Sunday, September 30, 2007
He checks out girls in front of his girlfriend
Casey, 19, from: Simi Valley, asks:
My boyfriend tends to check girls out in front of me. It bothers me a lot and I have told him. He said he is trying really hard not to look but he still does it. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Attractive girls are simply the most gorgeous creatures on the planet. I feel his pain. Yes, yes, I know, he should respect being with you, but as you said, he's trying. But it's so hard, even if you are with a girl you love. But as long as he doesn't flirt and doesn't stare, is he really disrespecting you?
You can keep giving him a hard time when he looks at a girl, but trying to force him to reject his natural instinct to admire the greatest masterpieces of Mother Nature sounds like an impossible task.
There are no emotional attachments to looking at girls. He's not trying to replace you. All guys look, just some are better at hiding it than others.
You could accept him looking at other girls as long as he does it discreetly. Why not? It's not like he has a switch to turn off his interest in looking at other girls. It's like an instinct, a natural reaction. Some people get goosebumps when they get a chill, they just can't help it. You might as well ask him not to blink. That's how similar the actions are.
Going further, why don't you join him? I mean, you must admit that some girls look great. You could comment on their hair, clothes, etc. or simply agree that some girl looks nice. No need to have any sexual connotation, it's simply admiring beauty. If you could rise above your insecurity you could turn unpleasant public moments into more enjoyable ones.
I know... many of those reading this will disagree, but that's a guy's point of view. I'm curious how many of you will have constructive advice for Casey beyond calling her boyfriend names or telling her to dump him.
My boyfriend tends to check girls out in front of me. It bothers me a lot and I have told him. He said he is trying really hard not to look but he still does it. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Attractive girls are simply the most gorgeous creatures on the planet. I feel his pain. Yes, yes, I know, he should respect being with you, but as you said, he's trying. But it's so hard, even if you are with a girl you love. But as long as he doesn't flirt and doesn't stare, is he really disrespecting you?
You can keep giving him a hard time when he looks at a girl, but trying to force him to reject his natural instinct to admire the greatest masterpieces of Mother Nature sounds like an impossible task.
There are no emotional attachments to looking at girls. He's not trying to replace you. All guys look, just some are better at hiding it than others.
You could accept him looking at other girls as long as he does it discreetly. Why not? It's not like he has a switch to turn off his interest in looking at other girls. It's like an instinct, a natural reaction. Some people get goosebumps when they get a chill, they just can't help it. You might as well ask him not to blink. That's how similar the actions are.
Going further, why don't you join him? I mean, you must admit that some girls look great. You could comment on their hair, clothes, etc. or simply agree that some girl looks nice. No need to have any sexual connotation, it's simply admiring beauty. If you could rise above your insecurity you could turn unpleasant public moments into more enjoyable ones.
I know... many of those reading this will disagree, but that's a guy's point of view. I'm curious how many of you will have constructive advice for Casey beyond calling her boyfriend names or telling her to dump him.
Unconditional respect
Shelley, 21, from OK, asks:
Hi, I am writing in an attempt to get an explanation for a guy's behavior, and finding a way to deal with him. I experienced a painful not-so-clear rejection a few weeks ago that has been bothering me since. I had been seeing a guy (a few years older than me) for a couple of months, and physical attraction was clearly there. We took things kind of fast, and he made me aware of this after a few encounters. He ended up dumping me - through e-mail - right before he left on a guy's vacation. I accepted without a fight, and he ended up messaging me after the trip. I accepted his plea for another chance, and things were going well. Until...
I recently found out my mother is very ill, and one of the by-products of all of my pent-up frustration and sadness are sudden outbursts of tears. I went away with my guy on a weekend trip, and was shocked on the last night by his behavior. I had let go of my smiles and laughter and erupted into a small fit of sobbing, and simply needed him to comfort me. He started fussing at me to go back to sleep, and marked my tears and sniffling as immature, childish, and disrespectful toward the other people in the room. He abandoned me that night, and gave me the silent treatment for nearly three weeks. He finally returned one of my calls, and was very rude to me. I understand that all couples have conflicts, but for him to close the door on me and to keep me in the dark for weeks before telling me "it just didn't work out" seems despicable. I have to confront him again in a few days to get some of my things back I left behind at his place. Have any thoughts on how I should deal with him? Is it obvious that he didn't treat me with unconditional respect? Thanks (sorry for the length!)
VictorM's advice:
You mean to tell me that after he treated you that way you still bothered to repeatedly call the guy instead of ruling him out of your life once and for all right there and then? My lord, what bigger sign do you need to recognize someone as a complete jerk, as someone you should never deal with again than how you were treated that night?
You had a chance to look into the soul of this man and he's an empty, barren, indifference creature. This was not just a misunderstanding, an off night, a bad mood, a mistake on his part. This guy, when it comes to dealing with another human being, as the sensibility of a rock, with my apologies to all rocks.
The way you deal with him when you pick up your things is simple: you pick up your things and leave! No insults, no excuses, no explanations, don't even give him the time of day. Nothing!
Hi, I am writing in an attempt to get an explanation for a guy's behavior, and finding a way to deal with him. I experienced a painful not-so-clear rejection a few weeks ago that has been bothering me since. I had been seeing a guy (a few years older than me) for a couple of months, and physical attraction was clearly there. We took things kind of fast, and he made me aware of this after a few encounters. He ended up dumping me - through e-mail - right before he left on a guy's vacation. I accepted without a fight, and he ended up messaging me after the trip. I accepted his plea for another chance, and things were going well. Until...
I recently found out my mother is very ill, and one of the by-products of all of my pent-up frustration and sadness are sudden outbursts of tears. I went away with my guy on a weekend trip, and was shocked on the last night by his behavior. I had let go of my smiles and laughter and erupted into a small fit of sobbing, and simply needed him to comfort me. He started fussing at me to go back to sleep, and marked my tears and sniffling as immature, childish, and disrespectful toward the other people in the room. He abandoned me that night, and gave me the silent treatment for nearly three weeks. He finally returned one of my calls, and was very rude to me. I understand that all couples have conflicts, but for him to close the door on me and to keep me in the dark for weeks before telling me "it just didn't work out" seems despicable. I have to confront him again in a few days to get some of my things back I left behind at his place. Have any thoughts on how I should deal with him? Is it obvious that he didn't treat me with unconditional respect? Thanks (sorry for the length!)
VictorM's advice:
You mean to tell me that after he treated you that way you still bothered to repeatedly call the guy instead of ruling him out of your life once and for all right there and then? My lord, what bigger sign do you need to recognize someone as a complete jerk, as someone you should never deal with again than how you were treated that night?
You had a chance to look into the soul of this man and he's an empty, barren, indifference creature. This was not just a misunderstanding, an off night, a bad mood, a mistake on his part. This guy, when it comes to dealing with another human being, as the sensibility of a rock, with my apologies to all rocks.
The way you deal with him when you pick up your things is simple: you pick up your things and leave! No insults, no excuses, no explanations, don't even give him the time of day. Nothing!
Is he just being polite?
Lindsay, 15, from California, asks:
So, I went to homecoming with just a group of my friends. I was having a blast. Things only got better when a guy asked me to dance (and he was pretty cute, too). We danced 3 or 4 times. Before he left, he asked for my number, which I gave him. He called me two days later, thanking me for dancing with him. We chatted for a bit and I kinda expected him to ask me out. He just said that he looked forward to seeing me sometime, like at the next football game. So... what does this mean? Does he like me, or is he just being polite?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he likes you, in a sensible guy sorta way. Meaning, he likes you enough to want to keep in touch with you but he's not going to limit his options during this time period. He'll move very slowly, getting a better feel for what kind of person you are and how his feelings, if any, develop. Meanwhile, he may even be checking out other girls.
Smart boy.
So, I went to homecoming with just a group of my friends. I was having a blast. Things only got better when a guy asked me to dance (and he was pretty cute, too). We danced 3 or 4 times. Before he left, he asked for my number, which I gave him. He called me two days later, thanking me for dancing with him. We chatted for a bit and I kinda expected him to ask me out. He just said that he looked forward to seeing me sometime, like at the next football game. So... what does this mean? Does he like me, or is he just being polite?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he likes you, in a sensible guy sorta way. Meaning, he likes you enough to want to keep in touch with you but he's not going to limit his options during this time period. He'll move very slowly, getting a better feel for what kind of person you are and how his feelings, if any, develop. Meanwhile, he may even be checking out other girls.
Smart boy.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
He called the day after, crying
aly, 18, from ny, asks:
Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a year and a half then he broke up with me. He called me the day after crying and telling me he misses me. And then he seems totally bipolar and will act all cold. He doesn't want to talk about it but we still talk on the phone and stuff, it's been 10 days. Then like 5 days ago he calles me at 11:30 at night saying he just called to say hi and was like do you maybe wanna hang out next weekend and told me to "please come" to his big soccer game this weekend. Then 2 days after he is all cold and I saw him in the hallway and wallked with him for a bit then he texted me three hours later saying do you mean to always find me at school? So I started ignoring him for the past 3 days, I won't answer his calls or texts. Last night he sends so you're just pretending I'm dead or something in a text message and I didn't say anything then this morning I saw him twice in school and smiled as I walked by and I walked right past him. My mom told me that eventually he's going to miss you so bad and come crawling back. But then today an hour later after I ignored seeing him in the hall he sends when can I get my stuff in a text. I feel like it's really over but I still love him very much. What is he thinking? Do you think we will get back together?
VictorM's advice:
I think your mom is trying to console you but she's wrong. Yes, I believe it's over.
His calling back crying, texting you, and other contact with you are not signs that he will come back, quite the opposite, they are signs that he's coping with having left you. He can't break away from you cold turkey, hence contacting you again, but the contacts will become less and less as he adapts to being without you longer and longer.
Being with the same person for a while can be habit forming. Our bodies get used to the other person's touch, scent, and the sound of their voice. Even if we fall out of love with that person, it takes effort to being without them. He's just fighting off the habit.
Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a year and a half then he broke up with me. He called me the day after crying and telling me he misses me. And then he seems totally bipolar and will act all cold. He doesn't want to talk about it but we still talk on the phone and stuff, it's been 10 days. Then like 5 days ago he calles me at 11:30 at night saying he just called to say hi and was like do you maybe wanna hang out next weekend and told me to "please come" to his big soccer game this weekend. Then 2 days after he is all cold and I saw him in the hallway and wallked with him for a bit then he texted me three hours later saying do you mean to always find me at school? So I started ignoring him for the past 3 days, I won't answer his calls or texts. Last night he sends so you're just pretending I'm dead or something in a text message and I didn't say anything then this morning I saw him twice in school and smiled as I walked by and I walked right past him. My mom told me that eventually he's going to miss you so bad and come crawling back. But then today an hour later after I ignored seeing him in the hall he sends when can I get my stuff in a text. I feel like it's really over but I still love him very much. What is he thinking? Do you think we will get back together?
VictorM's advice:
I think your mom is trying to console you but she's wrong. Yes, I believe it's over.
His calling back crying, texting you, and other contact with you are not signs that he will come back, quite the opposite, they are signs that he's coping with having left you. He can't break away from you cold turkey, hence contacting you again, but the contacts will become less and less as he adapts to being without you longer and longer.
Being with the same person for a while can be habit forming. Our bodies get used to the other person's touch, scent, and the sound of their voice. Even if we fall out of love with that person, it takes effort to being without them. He's just fighting off the habit.
She doesn't understand why he needs a break
Jenna, 23, from new york, asks:
Hi, my boyfriend and I dated for almost 2 years. We had a really serious relationship and he did anything and everything for me. We even talked about marriage and made plans for it in the near future. I had a lot of hurt from my past relationship and carried it with me into this new one. During the times we fought I would take it out on him even more because of my past boyfriend and for 2 years he stayed patient and never really got mad at me about it. I guess in a way I hurt his pride because he was always the one giving in. A month ago we got into a really stupid fight and he finally just blew up at me. I guess keeping it in for 2 years built up and he wouldn't listen to a thing I had to say. He said he was just sick of it. He asked me for some time but I kept trying to talk to him about things and he started yelling and saying really hurtful words about how much he hated me and never wanted to be with me again. The last time we talked he said to give him a month to stop being so angry and try to be friends with me again. He also said he would think about giving me a second chance. He also mentioned he didn't want me doing anything stupid while we didn't talk like meeting guys one and one. Which kinda confused me when he said it's over forever. So, I haven't contacted him in the past 3 weeks. But, from what I hear he's taking time and doing things he didn't get to do while he was dating me. Does this mean he has moved on? I don't undestand why he needs a break all of a sudden? I just need to understand if the words he was saying were really true. If I hurt him in the past and show him I'm changing can I still have another chance? Or does it really sound like it's over forever. I really love him and am trying to really sort out everything from my past.
VictorM's advice:
You said if you "show him I'm changing". And how exactly are you doing that? What has changed about you that would make you relate to him differently? I believe you mean it but I believe that what you're saying is not true. People say they'll change after a fight but change doesn't happen by magic. Once he's back, odds are you'll be back to your old behavior. He's gone through enough of your crap to know that. And you saying that you're changing does not make it so.
You say you don't understand why he needs a break. I can understand why he does. And I can understand if he doesn't want any more of your crap. But honestly, I don't know if he's going to have the stomach to come back for more. The longer he stays away, the slimmer your odds of a successful reconciliation. He may come back, but his patience will be thinner.
Maybe the chance for success, if he does come back, doesn't lie so much in just you changing as much as in him changing. He needs to react right away to your bullshit instead of keeping it bottled in and then exploding the way he did. But then again, the odds of him changing are as slim as yours.
I wouldn't discount that this could have been a good lesson for both of you, but I will warn both of you that changing requires a deeper understanding of what makes you do and say what you do and say, you can't just say you've changed. If he comes back -- and he might -- you have an uphill battle to develop a healthy, good relationship.
Hi, my boyfriend and I dated for almost 2 years. We had a really serious relationship and he did anything and everything for me. We even talked about marriage and made plans for it in the near future. I had a lot of hurt from my past relationship and carried it with me into this new one. During the times we fought I would take it out on him even more because of my past boyfriend and for 2 years he stayed patient and never really got mad at me about it. I guess in a way I hurt his pride because he was always the one giving in. A month ago we got into a really stupid fight and he finally just blew up at me. I guess keeping it in for 2 years built up and he wouldn't listen to a thing I had to say. He said he was just sick of it. He asked me for some time but I kept trying to talk to him about things and he started yelling and saying really hurtful words about how much he hated me and never wanted to be with me again. The last time we talked he said to give him a month to stop being so angry and try to be friends with me again. He also said he would think about giving me a second chance. He also mentioned he didn't want me doing anything stupid while we didn't talk like meeting guys one and one. Which kinda confused me when he said it's over forever. So, I haven't contacted him in the past 3 weeks. But, from what I hear he's taking time and doing things he didn't get to do while he was dating me. Does this mean he has moved on? I don't undestand why he needs a break all of a sudden? I just need to understand if the words he was saying were really true. If I hurt him in the past and show him I'm changing can I still have another chance? Or does it really sound like it's over forever. I really love him and am trying to really sort out everything from my past.
VictorM's advice:
You said if you "show him I'm changing". And how exactly are you doing that? What has changed about you that would make you relate to him differently? I believe you mean it but I believe that what you're saying is not true. People say they'll change after a fight but change doesn't happen by magic. Once he's back, odds are you'll be back to your old behavior. He's gone through enough of your crap to know that. And you saying that you're changing does not make it so.
You say you don't understand why he needs a break. I can understand why he does. And I can understand if he doesn't want any more of your crap. But honestly, I don't know if he's going to have the stomach to come back for more. The longer he stays away, the slimmer your odds of a successful reconciliation. He may come back, but his patience will be thinner.
Maybe the chance for success, if he does come back, doesn't lie so much in just you changing as much as in him changing. He needs to react right away to your bullshit instead of keeping it bottled in and then exploding the way he did. But then again, the odds of him changing are as slim as yours.
I wouldn't discount that this could have been a good lesson for both of you, but I will warn both of you that changing requires a deeper understanding of what makes you do and say what you do and say, you can't just say you've changed. If he comes back -- and he might -- you have an uphill battle to develop a healthy, good relationship.
He calls her "baby" and she calls him "babe"
Danielle, 21, from San Jose, CA, asks:
I have been talking to/dating this guy for about 2 and 1/2 months. We recently started being a lot more intimate. He calls me "baby" and I call him "babe." I even already met his family. We're not officially "boyfriend/girlfriend", but he has mentioned it and seems like he thinks we are headed in that direction. I agree. My question is, I'm out of town for work, and he wants to come visit me... do you think this is a good idea? I mean it would be like a mini-vacation. I would like his company and everything, but is it too early for that? I just don't know if things are happening too fast?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like a good idea to me. You've been seeing each other for long enough and this time alone together will test how you relate to the other over longer hours in the day. I see no downside to it. You have been seeing each other long enough and your tone with each other indicates a level of comfort that signals readiness to test the waters a little deeper.
Oh, and don't be silly, you are boyfriend/girlfriend. Somethings don't need to be said.
I have been talking to/dating this guy for about 2 and 1/2 months. We recently started being a lot more intimate. He calls me "baby" and I call him "babe." I even already met his family. We're not officially "boyfriend/girlfriend", but he has mentioned it and seems like he thinks we are headed in that direction. I agree. My question is, I'm out of town for work, and he wants to come visit me... do you think this is a good idea? I mean it would be like a mini-vacation. I would like his company and everything, but is it too early for that? I just don't know if things are happening too fast?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like a good idea to me. You've been seeing each other for long enough and this time alone together will test how you relate to the other over longer hours in the day. I see no downside to it. You have been seeing each other long enough and your tone with each other indicates a level of comfort that signals readiness to test the waters a little deeper.
Oh, and don't be silly, you are boyfriend/girlfriend. Somethings don't need to be said.
She likes her dad's best friend
Rox, 26, from New York, asks:
Hello! I'm talking to a guy that is my dad's best friend. We've known of each other for a few years, but we were both involved with people. We've been seeing each other at ball games and dinners with my dad. We hung out alone a couple times and had sex! It was premeditated on my end. There is definitly an attraction on both ends. He told me days later that he can't have me as "a friend with benefits" because he has too much respect for my father and me. He calls a couple times a week and we see each other every now and then. But it's brief. We've agreed that men and women can't be just friends. So what's going on? There are mixed signals. Do you think he's interested?
VictorM's advice:
Mixed signals? Where? You have agreed that men and women can't be friends (when there is a sexual attraction), and he doesn't want you as friends with benefits. What's mixed about this? It sounds like he's open to two options: being in a serious relationship with you (assuming your dad would approve) or it's understood that he likes you but won't do anything about it.
Could he think that your interest in him is purely sexual? Maybe you're the one sending the mixed signals.
Hello! I'm talking to a guy that is my dad's best friend. We've known of each other for a few years, but we were both involved with people. We've been seeing each other at ball games and dinners with my dad. We hung out alone a couple times and had sex! It was premeditated on my end. There is definitly an attraction on both ends. He told me days later that he can't have me as "a friend with benefits" because he has too much respect for my father and me. He calls a couple times a week and we see each other every now and then. But it's brief. We've agreed that men and women can't be just friends. So what's going on? There are mixed signals. Do you think he's interested?
VictorM's advice:
Mixed signals? Where? You have agreed that men and women can't be friends (when there is a sexual attraction), and he doesn't want you as friends with benefits. What's mixed about this? It sounds like he's open to two options: being in a serious relationship with you (assuming your dad would approve) or it's understood that he likes you but won't do anything about it.
Could he think that your interest in him is purely sexual? Maybe you're the one sending the mixed signals.
She has been into this guy for ages
Amber, 22, from cape town, asks:
I have been into this guy for ages, he is the only guy that I'm interested in. He finally came to speak to me, we spent the night together but I refused to even kiss him.[ha] He then asked one of my close girlfriends why I wouldn't kiss him and if I didn't like him. She told him that I wanted a relationship!! What a disaster!!Now he thinks that I'm the clingy, needy type. The irony is that I don't even have time for a relationship. What do I do? Whenever we see each other, we both get so nervous and there is this awkward silence. So much time has passed now and for me to try and explain that I don't really want a relationship seems so childish to me. Especially seeing that we can barely communicate with each other. Help?
VictorM's advice:
You've been interested in him for ages, you spent the night together and you didn't even kiss him? What the hell was that about? And how do you know what he's thinking now? Don't assume.
Forget everything that happened before. Next time you see him, ask him out to dinner or a movie or something. Talk about fun stuff. And at the end of the night, for crying out loud, kiss the guy!
I have been into this guy for ages, he is the only guy that I'm interested in. He finally came to speak to me, we spent the night together but I refused to even kiss him.[ha] He then asked one of my close girlfriends why I wouldn't kiss him and if I didn't like him. She told him that I wanted a relationship!! What a disaster!!Now he thinks that I'm the clingy, needy type. The irony is that I don't even have time for a relationship. What do I do? Whenever we see each other, we both get so nervous and there is this awkward silence. So much time has passed now and for me to try and explain that I don't really want a relationship seems so childish to me. Especially seeing that we can barely communicate with each other. Help?
VictorM's advice:
You've been interested in him for ages, you spent the night together and you didn't even kiss him? What the hell was that about? And how do you know what he's thinking now? Don't assume.
Forget everything that happened before. Next time you see him, ask him out to dinner or a movie or something. Talk about fun stuff. And at the end of the night, for crying out loud, kiss the guy!
Jeanea is going to Boston
Jeanea, 31, from Michigan, asks:
Hi, I hope you still remember me. You have advised me earlier on 15 and 18 Sept. I am going to Boston in 2 weeks. As my trip is short, only 5 days, I wish I can meet the "busy" guy. What is the best approach in your opinion so that he will make time for me? Should I contact him before leaving for Boston or contact him when I reach Boston. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
I remember you. And I hope you keep us informed of how your trip turned out.
As I remember, part of the problem could have been a misunderstanding of what you meant when you turned him down to go to weddings as his date. You might have left him with the impression that you weren't interested in him.
I wouldn't bring any of that up, but I'd say contact him, tell him when you are going to be in Boston, say that you want to meet with him and in a light tone say you won't take no for an answer. Don't end the contact with a Yes or No answer, instead, just ask him to pick the date, time and place and you'll be there.
He sounds like a polite person, so there's a chance he won't turn you down if you're that forceful. Besides, I think his ego needs to hear that you are interested in him and that you're willing to go out of your way for him.
But I remind you, he may be seeing someone already (unless you know that's not the case).
Hi, I hope you still remember me. You have advised me earlier on 15 and 18 Sept. I am going to Boston in 2 weeks. As my trip is short, only 5 days, I wish I can meet the "busy" guy. What is the best approach in your opinion so that he will make time for me? Should I contact him before leaving for Boston or contact him when I reach Boston. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
I remember you. And I hope you keep us informed of how your trip turned out.
As I remember, part of the problem could have been a misunderstanding of what you meant when you turned him down to go to weddings as his date. You might have left him with the impression that you weren't interested in him.
I wouldn't bring any of that up, but I'd say contact him, tell him when you are going to be in Boston, say that you want to meet with him and in a light tone say you won't take no for an answer. Don't end the contact with a Yes or No answer, instead, just ask him to pick the date, time and place and you'll be there.
He sounds like a polite person, so there's a chance he won't turn you down if you're that forceful. Besides, I think his ego needs to hear that you are interested in him and that you're willing to go out of your way for him.
But I remind you, he may be seeing someone already (unless you know that's not the case).
He asked her out in a joking matter
em, 15, from colorado, asks:
This guy I've liked since 7th grade has been hanging around me a lot more. We recently went to the movies together and he wants me to spend the weekend with him. Earlier on the phone he asked me out in a joking matter but then he was like I'm serious and I didn't believe him. Do you think he was being serious? I'm really confused.
VictorM's advice:
I think he was being serious and probably nervous, hence the joking tone. Believe him.
This guy I've liked since 7th grade has been hanging around me a lot more. We recently went to the movies together and he wants me to spend the weekend with him. Earlier on the phone he asked me out in a joking matter but then he was like I'm serious and I didn't believe him. Do you think he was being serious? I'm really confused.
VictorM's advice:
I think he was being serious and probably nervous, hence the joking tone. Believe him.
In classic guy fashion
Jaimee, 27, from USA, asks:
I met a guy through a friend a few weeks ago and we hit it off great. He asked for my number, and in classic guy fashion waited the 2 days to call me and ask me out on a date. We went out and talked and had a great time. We have a lot in common. After that he called me just about every day the next week just to see what I was up to. He would ask about how my family was and how my day was etc. Then the next weekend I met him at a bar with some friends and hung out a little bit. When I left he said he'd call me tomorrow which I believed because when ever he said he would call, he did. But instead he just texted me goodnight the next night. After that I called to say hi and we talked for a few minutes. Then he didn't call me for like 5 days, and when he did he said he was really busy but sorry he hasn't call me lately, then asked me if I wanted to do something this weekend. I said sure and to call me later on. It's been 2 days and still no call. As he lost interest all of a sudden or is he truly busy? I don't feel like I should have to call him because I told him to call me. What do you think?
VictorM's answer:
I don't believe the "busy" reason. No one is ever so busy they can't pick up a phone and make a quick call. The "busy" excuse is a tell-tale sign of dying interest. But in this case, I wouldn't be so quick to jump to that conclusion yet. Not calling for a few days could just means that he doesn't want to appear desperate or come across as too annoying or too eager and just didn't know how to say it.
Don't write him off yet, but don't call him either. The ball is on his court. Wait and see what he does. But if he doesn't call you to do something this weekend, you should lose interest in him.
I met a guy through a friend a few weeks ago and we hit it off great. He asked for my number, and in classic guy fashion waited the 2 days to call me and ask me out on a date. We went out and talked and had a great time. We have a lot in common. After that he called me just about every day the next week just to see what I was up to. He would ask about how my family was and how my day was etc. Then the next weekend I met him at a bar with some friends and hung out a little bit. When I left he said he'd call me tomorrow which I believed because when ever he said he would call, he did. But instead he just texted me goodnight the next night. After that I called to say hi and we talked for a few minutes. Then he didn't call me for like 5 days, and when he did he said he was really busy but sorry he hasn't call me lately, then asked me if I wanted to do something this weekend. I said sure and to call me later on. It's been 2 days and still no call. As he lost interest all of a sudden or is he truly busy? I don't feel like I should have to call him because I told him to call me. What do you think?
VictorM's answer:
I don't believe the "busy" reason. No one is ever so busy they can't pick up a phone and make a quick call. The "busy" excuse is a tell-tale sign of dying interest. But in this case, I wouldn't be so quick to jump to that conclusion yet. Not calling for a few days could just means that he doesn't want to appear desperate or come across as too annoying or too eager and just didn't know how to say it.
Don't write him off yet, but don't call him either. The ball is on his court. Wait and see what he does. But if he doesn't call you to do something this weekend, you should lose interest in him.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Pathetic-ness on his part
Dot, 22, from NY, asks:
What's it mean when your ex boyfriend hooks up with one of his ex girlfriends shortly after you've broken up? A girl that he swore up and down he hated and thought was repulsive? Is it a reality check for me, or pathetic-ness on his part?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you mean by "reality check for me" but in any case, I don't see how who he dates now is any reflection on you. You two broke up and he's now free to fuck up again if he so wishes.
Hate and love are not opposites; they invoke very similar passions. That should have been a clue to you that he wasn't over her. His harsh words about her were a way to try and free himself from having feelings for her. Obviously, it didn't work.
What's it mean when your ex boyfriend hooks up with one of his ex girlfriends shortly after you've broken up? A girl that he swore up and down he hated and thought was repulsive? Is it a reality check for me, or pathetic-ness on his part?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you mean by "reality check for me" but in any case, I don't see how who he dates now is any reflection on you. You two broke up and he's now free to fuck up again if he so wishes.
Hate and love are not opposites; they invoke very similar passions. That should have been a clue to you that he wasn't over her. His harsh words about her were a way to try and free himself from having feelings for her. Obviously, it didn't work.
She almost loves him
Sabrina, 13, from Georgia, asks:
I play around with this boy at my school named Micheal, and I think he may have the idea that I like him. We almost seem to have a lot in common; we always make fun of each other, and make each other laugh. But I think he's not interested in me the way I am in him, just because I'm black, and I (supposedly), have big lips. Practically because I'm ugly. (You could say.) But I really, REALLY like him, almost love him, What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
First off you should give up the idea that you're ugly or that big lips are a problem (lots of women pay lots of money to have full lips, Angelina Jolie being one famous example). What about Kerry Washington? She's gorgeous, including her lips. If you see some of her movies, she doesn't hide them, she flaunts them. And rightly so.
So, even if someone doesn't like your lips, so what? You can't expect everyone to have good taste.
The thing is, Sabrina, that boys your age, for the most part, aren't into the boy-girl thing yet. Boys generally take longer to discover the opposite sex and are somewhat afraid to explore it. So they do a lot of talking but deep down, they aren't ready.
So, be his friend, continue to have fun and laugh with him. Maybe your friendship will turn into love, maybe it won't, but having a friend you love being with is one of the nicest things on the planet. Enjoy it.
I play around with this boy at my school named Micheal, and I think he may have the idea that I like him. We almost seem to have a lot in common; we always make fun of each other, and make each other laugh. But I think he's not interested in me the way I am in him, just because I'm black, and I (supposedly), have big lips. Practically because I'm ugly. (You could say.) But I really, REALLY like him, almost love him, What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
First off you should give up the idea that you're ugly or that big lips are a problem (lots of women pay lots of money to have full lips, Angelina Jolie being one famous example). What about Kerry Washington? She's gorgeous, including her lips. If you see some of her movies, she doesn't hide them, she flaunts them. And rightly so.
So, even if someone doesn't like your lips, so what? You can't expect everyone to have good taste.
The thing is, Sabrina, that boys your age, for the most part, aren't into the boy-girl thing yet. Boys generally take longer to discover the opposite sex and are somewhat afraid to explore it. So they do a lot of talking but deep down, they aren't ready.
So, be his friend, continue to have fun and laugh with him. Maybe your friendship will turn into love, maybe it won't, but having a friend you love being with is one of the nicest things on the planet. Enjoy it.
Somewhere along the line she lost trust in him
sindy, 22, from South africa, asks:
I have been dating this guy for 2 years and somewhere along the line I lost trust in him. It was obviously triggered by something. Can I ever trust him again because I see the signs but he says that I live in my own world and believe things that are not there.
VictorM's advice:
If you lost trust in him, your relationship is doomed.
Relationships are not a court of law. You do not require proof of guilt and you do not have to see everything with your own eyes. If your gut tells you something is wrong, something is wrong.
Even if he's ultimately innocent, it doesn't matter. It just means that something about him behaves in a way that arouses your suspicion. It may not be his fault, it may not be fair, but the implication is that you and him clash, that you're not a good match. Neither you nor him should want to live with accusations and suspicions.
Trust your instincts; they are probably right.
I have been dating this guy for 2 years and somewhere along the line I lost trust in him. It was obviously triggered by something. Can I ever trust him again because I see the signs but he says that I live in my own world and believe things that are not there.
VictorM's advice:
If you lost trust in him, your relationship is doomed.
Relationships are not a court of law. You do not require proof of guilt and you do not have to see everything with your own eyes. If your gut tells you something is wrong, something is wrong.
Even if he's ultimately innocent, it doesn't matter. It just means that something about him behaves in a way that arouses your suspicion. It may not be his fault, it may not be fair, but the implication is that you and him clash, that you're not a good match. Neither you nor him should want to live with accusations and suspicions.
Trust your instincts; they are probably right.
Michelle is back
Michelle, 23, from LA, asks:
Hey it's Michelle from LA again. This is a follow-up question about the girl hitting on my guy (and me calling her a slut).
I recently found out it wasn't the girl who was hitting on him; what they have is mutual. They have been talking like hell for the past few months. He's not the talkative type, but they would talk for like an hour almost every day. What hurts more is that he would talk to me and right after he would call her.
I asked him how he felt about her and he would always get worked up and say they're just friends. But the other day we sat down and seriously talked about us. When I asked about her again he said he really likes her, but "it's not the kind of liking you're thinking about." He said they have a lot in common and they can communicate and that he has a lot to learn from her.
I don't understand. Yes I am the jealous type, but this time it just feels wrong. Even my guy friends think it's bullshit. Is there such a thing as just liking a girl as a friend who you feel you have a good connection and talk every day and not have feelings for her? When I get into a relationship I set my boundaries with other guys because I feel like that's how I should respect my guy. So I don't get how you can call a girl at 2, 4 am and talk for an hour almost every day and just be friends. It just hurts.
VictorM's advice:
One question: does he find her attractive? If the answer is yes, he certainly has developed feelings for her and you being out the door is just a matter of time. His constant talking to her is unhealthy for your relationship, he knows it, and yet he won't stop.
We're not just talking about your jealousy here. He clearly has overstepped the boundaries you talked about. You didn't make up those boundaries. They are unwritten "rules" in our society that reflect commitment to one person, not many. The frequency of calls suggest something more than friendship brewing.
Look, general rule of thumb: if a girlfriend brings up a concern to her boyfriend that she feels he's giving too much attention to a particular girl and he defends that relationship knowing he's upsetting his girlfriend, his intentions are immediately suspect. Period.
I'm with your friends, it's bullshit.
Hey it's Michelle from LA again. This is a follow-up question about the girl hitting on my guy (and me calling her a slut).
I recently found out it wasn't the girl who was hitting on him; what they have is mutual. They have been talking like hell for the past few months. He's not the talkative type, but they would talk for like an hour almost every day. What hurts more is that he would talk to me and right after he would call her.
I asked him how he felt about her and he would always get worked up and say they're just friends. But the other day we sat down and seriously talked about us. When I asked about her again he said he really likes her, but "it's not the kind of liking you're thinking about." He said they have a lot in common and they can communicate and that he has a lot to learn from her.
I don't understand. Yes I am the jealous type, but this time it just feels wrong. Even my guy friends think it's bullshit. Is there such a thing as just liking a girl as a friend who you feel you have a good connection and talk every day and not have feelings for her? When I get into a relationship I set my boundaries with other guys because I feel like that's how I should respect my guy. So I don't get how you can call a girl at 2, 4 am and talk for an hour almost every day and just be friends. It just hurts.
VictorM's advice:
One question: does he find her attractive? If the answer is yes, he certainly has developed feelings for her and you being out the door is just a matter of time. His constant talking to her is unhealthy for your relationship, he knows it, and yet he won't stop.
We're not just talking about your jealousy here. He clearly has overstepped the boundaries you talked about. You didn't make up those boundaries. They are unwritten "rules" in our society that reflect commitment to one person, not many. The frequency of calls suggest something more than friendship brewing.
Look, general rule of thumb: if a girlfriend brings up a concern to her boyfriend that she feels he's giving too much attention to a particular girl and he defends that relationship knowing he's upsetting his girlfriend, his intentions are immediately suspect. Period.
I'm with your friends, it's bullshit.
A definite moment
Shelby, 20, from California, asks:
Is this just a case of the guy being shy?
We've gone out once, but talked on AIM soooo much in between then and now (last weekend was the 'then'). At the end of the date, there was a definite moment, but for some reason, the kiss didn't happen.
He keeps talking about longer-range stuff- Halloween, when he moves into his new apt in a few weeks, etc., and every night when I talk to him asks me how my day was (to any guys reading this: it gets you major brownie points!). But... I'm confused. If he really didn't see any future, this would all stop, right? No more "how was your day," remembering exact details, etc... I'm not completely crazy? Then why won't he make the more immediate plans?
THANKS :-D
VictorM's advice:
Oh my lord! You're stuck in a romance novel! "Definite moment"? "The kiss"? Free your mind, child; get out of the silly books and join the human race! :)
Maybe some shyness is involved but from your description, I'd say he's behaving exactly as a guy who is seriously interested in you would: he wants to take things slow, he wants to court you, he wants to seduce you.
Let him. Slow down and enjoy the ride.
Is this just a case of the guy being shy?
We've gone out once, but talked on AIM soooo much in between then and now (last weekend was the 'then'). At the end of the date, there was a definite moment, but for some reason, the kiss didn't happen.
He keeps talking about longer-range stuff- Halloween, when he moves into his new apt in a few weeks, etc., and every night when I talk to him asks me how my day was (to any guys reading this: it gets you major brownie points!). But... I'm confused. If he really didn't see any future, this would all stop, right? No more "how was your day," remembering exact details, etc... I'm not completely crazy? Then why won't he make the more immediate plans?
THANKS :-D
VictorM's advice:
Oh my lord! You're stuck in a romance novel! "Definite moment"? "The kiss"? Free your mind, child; get out of the silly books and join the human race! :)
Maybe some shyness is involved but from your description, I'd say he's behaving exactly as a guy who is seriously interested in you would: he wants to take things slow, he wants to court you, he wants to seduce you.
Let him. Slow down and enjoy the ride.
Karen has a ton of questions
karen, 35, from west coast, asks:
I met this guy and for about a week we emailed and talked on the phone all the time. Then, we went out on our first date and...the clothes came off. We were drunk and dehydrated. But he couldn't...no big deal. We fell asleep for awhile and tried again, but still he couldn't. He slept with his back to me and there was something in his tone and just a feeling. I began to think he changed his mind and didn't like me. The next morning, I wouldn't say he was throwing me out the door, but he showed me to the door and then as an afterthought gave me a hug and a kiss and didn't walk me to my car, but he did say he would call me on my lunch break. He called me just like he said he would, which is what he said, “I’m calling you like I said I would.” He cancelled our date for dinner that night. There was still that tone in his voice and I still sensed something was off. So, I flat out said to him, "If you don’t want to see me again, you should just say so – you won’t hurt my feelings. I'll be disappointed, but you won't hurt my feelings." He replied something to the fact that the thought hadn’t crossed his mind; he wasn’t looking for a way out. And asked me if I wanted to see him again. I was like yeah, I had a really good time with you. I went on to tell him that I thought I was just sensing that he didn’t seem as interested. He told me he was just tired. He ended the call with I’ll call you next week. I said ok. It's been over a week, he hasn't called.
VictorM's advice:
Karen's questions are in italics below:
What do you think happened?
Sex on a first date and loss of interest in his part? Coincidence? I think not. But based on the rest of the story, I'd say he's embarrassed by his lack of sexual performance.
Did he change his mind?
Hard to say, but liking someone over email and the phone is no guarantee that you'll like them in person. He tried you out and maybe you're just not a good fit for him. That's not exactly changing his mind.
Did I turn him off sexually?
No. Lack of sexual performance is a physical problem like any kind of ailment that a guy can't control. He was attracted enough to want to be in bed with you, and attracted enough to try twice. Clearly he wanted you sexually.
Would a guy not say that he was not interested if flatly asked?
Most guy will not say it.
Would he flat out lie to me that he wasn't looking for a way out when I gave him one?
Yes, yes, and yes.
Was he just looking to get into my pants?
Maybe, but it's hard to say.
Is he just too embarrassed to call?
Most likely.
Is he concerned that I wouldn't be interested in him because of his performance and so he is ditzing me?
Yes. The odds are very good that that is the primary reason.
How can you be so attracted to somebody and then nothing? I just don't understand.
Sexual performance by a man is very mechanical (which in part explains the ability to have sex without any emotional attachment). Certain conditions beyond the guy's control can totally prevent him from either getting or sustaining an erection. It's not something a guy can WILL himself to do, regardless how sexual appealing the female is, if the circumstances that affect the erection are there. If something -- physical, mental, of emotional -- is present that block the flow of blood to the penis -- alcohol being one, but there are many other, more serious conditions -- a guy can fail to get an erection the same way a paralyzed person fails to walk or a blind person fails to see. It's terribly frustrating and embarrassing for a guy.
I met this guy and for about a week we emailed and talked on the phone all the time. Then, we went out on our first date and...the clothes came off. We were drunk and dehydrated. But he couldn't...no big deal. We fell asleep for awhile and tried again, but still he couldn't. He slept with his back to me and there was something in his tone and just a feeling. I began to think he changed his mind and didn't like me. The next morning, I wouldn't say he was throwing me out the door, but he showed me to the door and then as an afterthought gave me a hug and a kiss and didn't walk me to my car, but he did say he would call me on my lunch break. He called me just like he said he would, which is what he said, “I’m calling you like I said I would.” He cancelled our date for dinner that night. There was still that tone in his voice and I still sensed something was off. So, I flat out said to him, "If you don’t want to see me again, you should just say so – you won’t hurt my feelings. I'll be disappointed, but you won't hurt my feelings." He replied something to the fact that the thought hadn’t crossed his mind; he wasn’t looking for a way out. And asked me if I wanted to see him again. I was like yeah, I had a really good time with you. I went on to tell him that I thought I was just sensing that he didn’t seem as interested. He told me he was just tired. He ended the call with I’ll call you next week. I said ok. It's been over a week, he hasn't called.
VictorM's advice:
Karen's questions are in italics below:
What do you think happened?
Sex on a first date and loss of interest in his part? Coincidence? I think not. But based on the rest of the story, I'd say he's embarrassed by his lack of sexual performance.
Did he change his mind?
Hard to say, but liking someone over email and the phone is no guarantee that you'll like them in person. He tried you out and maybe you're just not a good fit for him. That's not exactly changing his mind.
Did I turn him off sexually?
No. Lack of sexual performance is a physical problem like any kind of ailment that a guy can't control. He was attracted enough to want to be in bed with you, and attracted enough to try twice. Clearly he wanted you sexually.
Would a guy not say that he was not interested if flatly asked?
Most guy will not say it.
Would he flat out lie to me that he wasn't looking for a way out when I gave him one?
Yes, yes, and yes.
Was he just looking to get into my pants?
Maybe, but it's hard to say.
Is he just too embarrassed to call?
Most likely.
Is he concerned that I wouldn't be interested in him because of his performance and so he is ditzing me?
Yes. The odds are very good that that is the primary reason.
How can you be so attracted to somebody and then nothing? I just don't understand.
Sexual performance by a man is very mechanical (which in part explains the ability to have sex without any emotional attachment). Certain conditions beyond the guy's control can totally prevent him from either getting or sustaining an erection. It's not something a guy can WILL himself to do, regardless how sexual appealing the female is, if the circumstances that affect the erection are there. If something -- physical, mental, of emotional -- is present that block the flow of blood to the penis -- alcohol being one, but there are many other, more serious conditions -- a guy can fail to get an erection the same way a paralyzed person fails to walk or a blind person fails to see. It's terribly frustrating and embarrassing for a guy.
Her guy has put a lot of pressure on himself
Erin, 21, from PA, asks:
I have been with my guy for over a year now. We have been great but now college started again and my guy has put a lot of pressure on himself to do good. I am so proud of how well he is doing. Though yes it's less time for us but I have my own things too. Anyway, just last week he has been very distant. I'm trying to give him his space, but I would still think he would say he loves me more than he does. Sometimes he will, sometimes he won't. Is it because there is so much going on with his life?
VictorM's advice:
No. It's because he's a human being, not a robot programmed to repeat certain key phrases at certain times, namely when you think he should.
I have been with my guy for over a year now. We have been great but now college started again and my guy has put a lot of pressure on himself to do good. I am so proud of how well he is doing. Though yes it's less time for us but I have my own things too. Anyway, just last week he has been very distant. I'm trying to give him his space, but I would still think he would say he loves me more than he does. Sometimes he will, sometimes he won't. Is it because there is so much going on with his life?
VictorM's advice:
No. It's because he's a human being, not a robot programmed to repeat certain key phrases at certain times, namely when you think he should.
One day out of nowhere he broke things off
Amanda, 21, from Virginia, asks:
So I started dating this guy back over the summer, then one day out of nowhere he breaks things off. A few weeks later, he says he regrets that decision. Then when school started back, he wanted to get back together... and I wanted to, too... only thing, I had not ever dated someone more than once. But then about a month later, he decides he's "done" with the relationship. One of his/my friends told me that he freaks out easily, and doesn't like to get too close to anyone. But then the other night, we were a little messed up and we ended up having sex again. I mean we were friends before, but now it seems like it'll be rather difficult to avoid having sex... we both agreed that we are VERY sexually compatible. I guess I just want to know, why this guy can't make up his mind about me?
VictorM's advice:
Oh, but he has made up his mind about you; he's not interested in a relationship with you! The times he comes back just shows weakness in his resolve, not strength in his feelings for you. Basically, you're like a bad habit.
And the sex part? Listen, guys can have sex with less emotional attachment than you have for your shoes, so the sex means nothing. If that's what you want from him, fear not. He'll be ready to go when you are.
So I started dating this guy back over the summer, then one day out of nowhere he breaks things off. A few weeks later, he says he regrets that decision. Then when school started back, he wanted to get back together... and I wanted to, too... only thing, I had not ever dated someone more than once. But then about a month later, he decides he's "done" with the relationship. One of his/my friends told me that he freaks out easily, and doesn't like to get too close to anyone. But then the other night, we were a little messed up and we ended up having sex again. I mean we were friends before, but now it seems like it'll be rather difficult to avoid having sex... we both agreed that we are VERY sexually compatible. I guess I just want to know, why this guy can't make up his mind about me?
VictorM's advice:
Oh, but he has made up his mind about you; he's not interested in a relationship with you! The times he comes back just shows weakness in his resolve, not strength in his feelings for you. Basically, you're like a bad habit.
And the sex part? Listen, guys can have sex with less emotional attachment than you have for your shoes, so the sex means nothing. If that's what you want from him, fear not. He'll be ready to go when you are.
He is a modern orthodox Jew
Natasha, 19, from NYC, asks:
So I met this guy online, he's 24 and he is a really nice guy compared to some or all of the guys I've been with back in Miami who have all been jerks. Me and him get along fine actually maybe more than great but he is a modern orthodox jew and well I'm Catholic and I guess he assumed I was jewish because my dad is Jewish and I don't know how to say this to him, he's religous and I really like this guy.
VictorM's advice:
You must tell him about your religion, today, right now!
He obviously has been upfront about his religion with you, something that appears important to him. You must do likewise. The longer you take, the harder it will be and the more you damage your chances that it can work out between you two. After all, if you tell him now, you'll both only have to deal with religion; if you wait, you'll still have to deal with it, but he'll have to deal with you also being a liar.
Really, you are not making it any easier on yourself by waiting.
So I met this guy online, he's 24 and he is a really nice guy compared to some or all of the guys I've been with back in Miami who have all been jerks. Me and him get along fine actually maybe more than great but he is a modern orthodox jew and well I'm Catholic and I guess he assumed I was jewish because my dad is Jewish and I don't know how to say this to him, he's religous and I really like this guy.
VictorM's advice:
You must tell him about your religion, today, right now!
He obviously has been upfront about his religion with you, something that appears important to him. You must do likewise. The longer you take, the harder it will be and the more you damage your chances that it can work out between you two. After all, if you tell him now, you'll both only have to deal with religion; if you wait, you'll still have to deal with it, but he'll have to deal with you also being a liar.
Really, you are not making it any easier on yourself by waiting.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Do men make drama?
Dorothy, 22, from NY, asks:
When I was 13 I was really good friends with a local guy who was 17. Everyone knew he loved me, but we never did anything because he was older. He was my "protector" though. Throughout the years, we kept in touch every so often, but never stuck in each other's lives. About a year and a half ago we started talking again and didn't leave one another's life. I had no romantic interest in him at all, but it was nice talking. After about 5 months of being in each other's life every day, even if it was just the phone, I started falling in love. He was really persistent to say he couldn't be a good boyfriend with his job that was far away and his own issues from his last relationship. I played it cool but thought I could change his mind. He never denied that he was physically attracted to me right from the beginning, but wouldn't have sex because he didn't want to hurt me. Finally I guess he decided he liked me too, and we started dating and sleeping together. Everything was good for about 2 months. Then we were always fighting, breaking up, then getting back together. When we'd break up he'd be so mean and say the most hurtful things to me. He even once said that he's only with me because he feels sorry for me. Then everytime we got back together, he'd say that people say mean things when they're hurt, that I must know he didn't mean them. That he'll always come back to me. It has happened seriously about 8 times, and each time I thought for sure we were over and believed he felt every rotten thing he said, but then somehow we end up back together, in each other's arms talking about how we are going to be together forever.
I knew that it would come to a point when it would finally be over. Last week I ended it and it started out being a serious, agreeable conversation. Before the night ended he said he thinks we love each other but weren't "in love". That seems so far-fetched because of everything this guy has always felt about me, and the things he'd say while we were together. I just went with it though, no point arguing. But then he called me yelling that I'm a skanky whore and gave him an STD (which is impossible) and then hung up. He called back and started to say "I just wanted to say..." but I hung up on him. For the first time ever, I wasn't sad that we were broken up.
Then there's today, and I feel down. I don't know if it's because I'm just lonely and trying to get used to him not being in my life every day, or if I truly love him.
Obviously we shouldn't be together, but is there anyway I can know if this is the last time or if we're going to do the same cycle again? He'd always say that I feed off this cycle, but I hated it. But he always said he could never stay away from me.
Do men make drama just like women supposedly do? Will a man be with someone just because they feel sorry for them? Will consistent texts and phone calls persuade a man to get back with a girl even if he doesn't want to? And for a man who says he's very independent- how will you know they really love you and are just trying to keep a hold of their own life, and not just being a jerk? Thank you so much, Dot
VictorM's advice:
There's something so wrong when you ask all these questions about the guy because frankly, to detect a problem all you need to do is look in the mirror. You ability to withstand the repetitive kind of name calling you describe is disturbing.
Look, guys are basically very lazy. They'll get away with whatever they're allowed to get way. This should have nothing to do with what he's feeling or thinking. This is all about your inability to deal with a man you simply should not be seeing ever again. Maybe he's right. Maybe you feed off the drama. Some people are like that and just can't live in peace.
Whether there's a next time or not will depend solely on you. You shouldn't blame him if you two get together again. But after 8 times, what makes you think there won't be a 9th? What about you has changed that will give you the determination to look elsewhere? The signs aren't very good.
When I was 13 I was really good friends with a local guy who was 17. Everyone knew he loved me, but we never did anything because he was older. He was my "protector" though. Throughout the years, we kept in touch every so often, but never stuck in each other's lives. About a year and a half ago we started talking again and didn't leave one another's life. I had no romantic interest in him at all, but it was nice talking. After about 5 months of being in each other's life every day, even if it was just the phone, I started falling in love. He was really persistent to say he couldn't be a good boyfriend with his job that was far away and his own issues from his last relationship. I played it cool but thought I could change his mind. He never denied that he was physically attracted to me right from the beginning, but wouldn't have sex because he didn't want to hurt me. Finally I guess he decided he liked me too, and we started dating and sleeping together. Everything was good for about 2 months. Then we were always fighting, breaking up, then getting back together. When we'd break up he'd be so mean and say the most hurtful things to me. He even once said that he's only with me because he feels sorry for me. Then everytime we got back together, he'd say that people say mean things when they're hurt, that I must know he didn't mean them. That he'll always come back to me. It has happened seriously about 8 times, and each time I thought for sure we were over and believed he felt every rotten thing he said, but then somehow we end up back together, in each other's arms talking about how we are going to be together forever.
I knew that it would come to a point when it would finally be over. Last week I ended it and it started out being a serious, agreeable conversation. Before the night ended he said he thinks we love each other but weren't "in love". That seems so far-fetched because of everything this guy has always felt about me, and the things he'd say while we were together. I just went with it though, no point arguing. But then he called me yelling that I'm a skanky whore and gave him an STD (which is impossible) and then hung up. He called back and started to say "I just wanted to say..." but I hung up on him. For the first time ever, I wasn't sad that we were broken up.
Then there's today, and I feel down. I don't know if it's because I'm just lonely and trying to get used to him not being in my life every day, or if I truly love him.
Obviously we shouldn't be together, but is there anyway I can know if this is the last time or if we're going to do the same cycle again? He'd always say that I feed off this cycle, but I hated it. But he always said he could never stay away from me.
Do men make drama just like women supposedly do? Will a man be with someone just because they feel sorry for them? Will consistent texts and phone calls persuade a man to get back with a girl even if he doesn't want to? And for a man who says he's very independent- how will you know they really love you and are just trying to keep a hold of their own life, and not just being a jerk? Thank you so much, Dot
VictorM's advice:
There's something so wrong when you ask all these questions about the guy because frankly, to detect a problem all you need to do is look in the mirror. You ability to withstand the repetitive kind of name calling you describe is disturbing.
Look, guys are basically very lazy. They'll get away with whatever they're allowed to get way. This should have nothing to do with what he's feeling or thinking. This is all about your inability to deal with a man you simply should not be seeing ever again. Maybe he's right. Maybe you feed off the drama. Some people are like that and just can't live in peace.
Whether there's a next time or not will depend solely on you. You shouldn't blame him if you two get together again. But after 8 times, what makes you think there won't be a 9th? What about you has changed that will give you the determination to look elsewhere? The signs aren't very good.
His parents have comitted him to another girl
Ana, 26, from Canada, asks:
I been seeing a guy for almost 2 years we are together all the time, we spend almost 12 to 13 hours together. I really like him and want to marry him, but he is Asian and his parents has verbally committed to some other girl and they can't break that. The guy says that I am the most important girl in his life and very special but I don't know why he doesn't want to get married to me. He said he can't break the thing as it's different culture and the girl his parents have committed is his uncle's daughter so if he breaks that it's a big fight, but at the same time he doesn't stop seeing me. Please give me an advice. I can't see him going away I love him very much, but I don't know what to do even I try stop seeing him but I can't it's too painful. My day starts with and ends with him, I can't picture myself without him, help me please.
VictorM's advice:
If he's not willing to buck family tradition, I really don't know what to tell you. But why should he stop seeing you? Even after telling you he will not fight the culture, you still see him. You probably treat him like a prince. So why stop that? He has already told you he won't marry you (let's be clear, he could, he just won't). Shouldn't you be the one to stop seeing him, painful as it may be? He is going to marry his cousin. Where will you be when that happens?
But look, he's living in Canada now, not Asia. He's a grown man. This is not just about the culture, that's chicken-shit! If indeed you were the most important girl in his life, he would marry you.
I can understand about the culture and that he lacks the courage to go against it. But could there be more to it than that? Maybe. The sound of your submission is scary to me, maybe you frighten him too. I mean, your day starts and ends with him? Being without him is painful? You can't picture yourself without him? Sounds suffocating to me.
Bottom line, he's cowardly, no matter how you look at it. If you're the most important girl in the world and he's not willing to deal with the consequences, or if you're too intense for him and he's looking for a way out, either way, your guy lacks the balls to do the right thing. I can't help you with that.
I been seeing a guy for almost 2 years we are together all the time, we spend almost 12 to 13 hours together. I really like him and want to marry him, but he is Asian and his parents has verbally committed to some other girl and they can't break that. The guy says that I am the most important girl in his life and very special but I don't know why he doesn't want to get married to me. He said he can't break the thing as it's different culture and the girl his parents have committed is his uncle's daughter so if he breaks that it's a big fight, but at the same time he doesn't stop seeing me. Please give me an advice. I can't see him going away I love him very much, but I don't know what to do even I try stop seeing him but I can't it's too painful. My day starts with and ends with him, I can't picture myself without him, help me please.
VictorM's advice:
If he's not willing to buck family tradition, I really don't know what to tell you. But why should he stop seeing you? Even after telling you he will not fight the culture, you still see him. You probably treat him like a prince. So why stop that? He has already told you he won't marry you (let's be clear, he could, he just won't). Shouldn't you be the one to stop seeing him, painful as it may be? He is going to marry his cousin. Where will you be when that happens?
But look, he's living in Canada now, not Asia. He's a grown man. This is not just about the culture, that's chicken-shit! If indeed you were the most important girl in his life, he would marry you.
I can understand about the culture and that he lacks the courage to go against it. But could there be more to it than that? Maybe. The sound of your submission is scary to me, maybe you frighten him too. I mean, your day starts and ends with him? Being without him is painful? You can't picture yourself without him? Sounds suffocating to me.
Bottom line, he's cowardly, no matter how you look at it. If you're the most important girl in the world and he's not willing to deal with the consequences, or if you're too intense for him and he's looking for a way out, either way, your guy lacks the balls to do the right thing. I can't help you with that.
Rules for texting
Rach, 17, from Sydney, Australia, asks:
Hi, great idea you have here!
Do you mind answering this for me please?
What are the rules for texting/calling people? Do the rules "if you like her you wait 3 days before you make contact with her and if you want to be friends you do it the day after you get her number" actually apply? Also, when you send someone a text message, are you meant to wait a couple of hours to reply so you don't look to eager?
thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Those types of rules only apply for people who like to play games, otherwise, go with your gut.
When you text someone you can't assume that they read it 5 seconds after you sent it. Checking too soon is not a sign that you're eager; it's a sign you're annoying.
Hi, great idea you have here!
Do you mind answering this for me please?
What are the rules for texting/calling people? Do the rules "if you like her you wait 3 days before you make contact with her and if you want to be friends you do it the day after you get her number" actually apply? Also, when you send someone a text message, are you meant to wait a couple of hours to reply so you don't look to eager?
thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Those types of rules only apply for people who like to play games, otherwise, go with your gut.
When you text someone you can't assume that they read it 5 seconds after you sent it. Checking too soon is not a sign that you're eager; it's a sign you're annoying.
Talk soon
Lisa, 33, from Aust, asks:
I have recently communicated with a guy whom I have come across on dating website. We have spoken just once on phone which was a pleasant conversation apart from 2/3 initial emails. Over the weekend he messaged me saying hope weekend is going well and he enjoyed talking to me and said "Talk soon". I replied by saying weekend is going well & I too enjoyed the talk and it would be nice to speak again. He did mention when he spoke to me first time on phone he would like to get to know me and we could meet sometime next week for dinner. It's Tuesday. I was wondering whether he would call and should I wait for his call or is he expecting me to call or message him. When a guy says "Talk soon". Does he mean he will call?
VictorM's advice:
"Talk soon" means nothing at all. It's a parting phrase, like goodbye, take care, be well, see you around, until next time, cheers, etc.
Just about every time two people meet they say the same things (I'd like to know you better, I'll call you, talk to you soon, etc) because frankly, what are people suppose to say on their first meeting? I really don't like you, I find you annoying, etc. Of course not. People are generally polite and say things like "talk soon". Then they go home, think about it, and they may or may not want to get to know you anymore or talk to you again.
You must also consider that if he met you through the internet, there's a good chance he's meeting other women that way too. Only a fool would stick to just one person when it's fairly easy to meet a bunch. I'd venture a guess that you're one of many women hearing "talk soon".
He's not expecting you to call. He may just never call you. But why wait around not knowing? You have got nothing to lose by calling him and seeing where things stand (not in terms of a relationship; in terms of another outing).
I have recently communicated with a guy whom I have come across on dating website. We have spoken just once on phone which was a pleasant conversation apart from 2/3 initial emails. Over the weekend he messaged me saying hope weekend is going well and he enjoyed talking to me and said "Talk soon". I replied by saying weekend is going well & I too enjoyed the talk and it would be nice to speak again. He did mention when he spoke to me first time on phone he would like to get to know me and we could meet sometime next week for dinner. It's Tuesday. I was wondering whether he would call and should I wait for his call or is he expecting me to call or message him. When a guy says "Talk soon". Does he mean he will call?
VictorM's advice:
"Talk soon" means nothing at all. It's a parting phrase, like goodbye, take care, be well, see you around, until next time, cheers, etc.
Just about every time two people meet they say the same things (I'd like to know you better, I'll call you, talk to you soon, etc) because frankly, what are people suppose to say on their first meeting? I really don't like you, I find you annoying, etc. Of course not. People are generally polite and say things like "talk soon". Then they go home, think about it, and they may or may not want to get to know you anymore or talk to you again.
You must also consider that if he met you through the internet, there's a good chance he's meeting other women that way too. Only a fool would stick to just one person when it's fairly easy to meet a bunch. I'd venture a guess that you're one of many women hearing "talk soon".
He's not expecting you to call. He may just never call you. But why wait around not knowing? You have got nothing to lose by calling him and seeing where things stand (not in terms of a relationship; in terms of another outing).
They talk almost every day
emma, 25, from new jersey, asks:
There is this guy that I met online and after a few conversation online and over the phone, we decided to meet. I was not expecting to like him, but I was pleasantly surprised by the way he turned out to be. As I spent more time with him, I began to realize that he is exactly what I had been looking for. We spent a lot of time together but then he always kept reiterating the fact that he is not a 'single woman guy' yet he kept talking about his ex-girlfriend whom he claims he still loves. When we are together, he treats me like his girlfriend but otherwise he is just like any other normal guy-friend. He has recently relocated and despite of all claims that we would not continue this 'so-called' relationship, we talk almost everyday. I am very confused with the way he has been with me. Am I just a rebound, time-pass or a safety net? I don't want to be either one. I don't want to waste anymore of my time on him, but am also scared that if I confront him with direct questions, it will just scare him away. Please help !!!
VictorM's advice:
Just because you're a female and he likes talking to you does not mean he has romantic feelings for you. You're easy to talk to (you talk almost everyday even with him away), you're non-threatening (you're afraid to confront him with a question), and he probably got some physical pleasure without having to commit (he treats you like his girlfriend). He has already told you he's in love with his ex and he let you know he's not into you in a serious manner (he is not a 'single woman guy'). How much more obvious does he need to make it? Just because he's all you're looking for doesn't mean you're all he's looking for.
You have got nothing to lose by asking the question. Don't be afraid to scare him away because frankly, you never had him. I doubt you will like the answer you'll get but then again, if you don't want to waste your time, you need to hear it.
There is this guy that I met online and after a few conversation online and over the phone, we decided to meet. I was not expecting to like him, but I was pleasantly surprised by the way he turned out to be. As I spent more time with him, I began to realize that he is exactly what I had been looking for. We spent a lot of time together but then he always kept reiterating the fact that he is not a 'single woman guy' yet he kept talking about his ex-girlfriend whom he claims he still loves. When we are together, he treats me like his girlfriend but otherwise he is just like any other normal guy-friend. He has recently relocated and despite of all claims that we would not continue this 'so-called' relationship, we talk almost everyday. I am very confused with the way he has been with me. Am I just a rebound, time-pass or a safety net? I don't want to be either one. I don't want to waste anymore of my time on him, but am also scared that if I confront him with direct questions, it will just scare him away. Please help !!!
VictorM's advice:
Just because you're a female and he likes talking to you does not mean he has romantic feelings for you. You're easy to talk to (you talk almost everyday even with him away), you're non-threatening (you're afraid to confront him with a question), and he probably got some physical pleasure without having to commit (he treats you like his girlfriend). He has already told you he's in love with his ex and he let you know he's not into you in a serious manner (he is not a 'single woman guy'). How much more obvious does he need to make it? Just because he's all you're looking for doesn't mean you're all he's looking for.
You have got nothing to lose by asking the question. Don't be afraid to scare him away because frankly, you never had him. I doubt you will like the answer you'll get but then again, if you don't want to waste your time, you need to hear it.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Double huh!?
CoffeeChats, 25, from UK, asks:
I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months and it has been strange. He's a devout muslim and told me he cannot be alone with a woman or be intimate with her in any way at all. At the same time, he kept coming to see me at weekends (we work together). Seeing each other turned into holding hands, holding hands turned into kissing. Recently we had a full on makeout session.
The next day he comes up to me and he says he sees me as a great friend because he can talk to me about anything and I inspire him. At the same time as enjoying my company, he is enormously attracted to me in every way - so strong a way that he cannot resist kissing and touching me because I am so attractive to him. I fill his mind with thoughts of me he says. So, because he feels this way - we must cut all ties.
HUH?!!?
So I say ok, if thats how it has to be, I will fulfill my part and not try and contact him.
Appox. 8 hours later, he text me to say goodnight.
DOUBLE HUH?!?
Whats with this dude?
I am tremendously confused.
VictorM's advice:
I can understand him. He's fighting the (I'll be polite) stuff that religion has shoved into his head.
What I can't understand is you. Why would you want to encourage him knowing what would be in store for you?
At least he has convictions, even if he falters from time to time. You? You're either a glutton for punishment or you're messing with the guy. Either way, not smart.
What do you think your life would be like with him?
QUADRUPLE HUH?!?
I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months and it has been strange. He's a devout muslim and told me he cannot be alone with a woman or be intimate with her in any way at all. At the same time, he kept coming to see me at weekends (we work together). Seeing each other turned into holding hands, holding hands turned into kissing. Recently we had a full on makeout session.
The next day he comes up to me and he says he sees me as a great friend because he can talk to me about anything and I inspire him. At the same time as enjoying my company, he is enormously attracted to me in every way - so strong a way that he cannot resist kissing and touching me because I am so attractive to him. I fill his mind with thoughts of me he says. So, because he feels this way - we must cut all ties.
HUH?!!?
So I say ok, if thats how it has to be, I will fulfill my part and not try and contact him.
Appox. 8 hours later, he text me to say goodnight.
DOUBLE HUH?!?
Whats with this dude?
I am tremendously confused.
VictorM's advice:
I can understand him. He's fighting the (I'll be polite) stuff that religion has shoved into his head.
What I can't understand is you. Why would you want to encourage him knowing what would be in store for you?
At least he has convictions, even if he falters from time to time. You? You're either a glutton for punishment or you're messing with the guy. Either way, not smart.
What do you think your life would be like with him?
QUADRUPLE HUH?!?
Everyone says she's beautiful
Cheyanne, 14, from US, asks:
Guys just don't seem to be that interested in me. My friends, family, and even some random people I have met say that I am beautiful, and I do not find myself that bad looking. I also sing well (not to boast) and make straight "A"s most of the time in school. Everyone says guys are just intimidated by me. Is this true? It would be great to know what is really going on.
VictorM's advice:
Ah! The curse of the beautiful girl. Yes, most guys are afraid to approach you. The reasons are logical, if you think about it. The average boy probably feels you're out of his league. Guys are deadly afraid of rejection, so why try their luck with a beautiful, smart girl with one of the coolest names in the land? Many guys will look at you and be sure that a girl as attractive as you already has a boyfriend. Yet others are too insecure to date a beautiful girl because they fear that other boys would be all over you.
As guys get older they start getting more courageous. So enjoy the peace and quiet now. By the time you're 17 or 18 you'll be fighting the smelly boys off with a baseball bat.
Guys just don't seem to be that interested in me. My friends, family, and even some random people I have met say that I am beautiful, and I do not find myself that bad looking. I also sing well (not to boast) and make straight "A"s most of the time in school. Everyone says guys are just intimidated by me. Is this true? It would be great to know what is really going on.
VictorM's advice:
Ah! The curse of the beautiful girl. Yes, most guys are afraid to approach you. The reasons are logical, if you think about it. The average boy probably feels you're out of his league. Guys are deadly afraid of rejection, so why try their luck with a beautiful, smart girl with one of the coolest names in the land? Many guys will look at you and be sure that a girl as attractive as you already has a boyfriend. Yet others are too insecure to date a beautiful girl because they fear that other boys would be all over you.
As guys get older they start getting more courageous. So enjoy the peace and quiet now. By the time you're 17 or 18 you'll be fighting the smelly boys off with a baseball bat.
He's getting crap from his friends about her
julia s., 14, from california, asks:
Okay, this is my story and I need help! My boyfriend and I had been going out for quite awhile and we fell in love. We talked all the time and were extremely close. One night, my boyfriend told me he was getting crap from his friends about me, and he was confused about his feelings. So we broke up. 2 days later, he was hanging out with a group of people. One girl, who was standing right next to him, texted him and said "You should ask me out." He said, "I don't know" but she begged him to. So he did, but later that night he decided he made a mistake and said it wouldn't work out. (I heard this all from a close friend.) 3 days later, he wanted to meet me at the park between our houses. So I went, not knowing what to expect. We talked about everything, and he told me that he messed up, was confused, and now he isn't and he really loves me. So we got back together. But now, it doesn't seem the same. He talks to me on the phone, but doesn't seem the same. He says I love you but not as much as before. He even said before we broke up that he thinks he is changing and he doesn't want to hurt me. Is he changed now? Did I make a mistake to get back together? How do I know that I'm his only one?? I feel like I'm still in love with the person I went out before, and I don't know if that person is still the same?
VictorM's advice:
People's feelings about others do change. The stories about his friends giving him crap and this other girl could be signs that he doesn't feel about you as he once did and is trying to find a way out. Maybe that's what you're detecting in his behavior. But there's another possibility.
Maybe you have changed. Maybe his "I love you" doesn't sound the same to you because you're starting to wonder about you two. So now, you say he's not how he was before and you're counting how often he says I love you. Maybe you're the one looking for cracks in the relationship.
No matter what mental gymnastics you do, your boyfriend is what he is now, not what he was before. You have to decide if you want this guy or not. But you don't have to rush.
You didn't make a mistake going back with him. It's important that if you break-up and stay broken-up that you're sure that's what you want to do. Whether you stay with him or don't, it's not the end of the world. But it's nice to do the right thing for the right reasons. You seem like a very thoughtful girl. If you trust your instincts you will not go wrong.
Okay, this is my story and I need help! My boyfriend and I had been going out for quite awhile and we fell in love. We talked all the time and were extremely close. One night, my boyfriend told me he was getting crap from his friends about me, and he was confused about his feelings. So we broke up. 2 days later, he was hanging out with a group of people. One girl, who was standing right next to him, texted him and said "You should ask me out." He said, "I don't know" but she begged him to. So he did, but later that night he decided he made a mistake and said it wouldn't work out. (I heard this all from a close friend.) 3 days later, he wanted to meet me at the park between our houses. So I went, not knowing what to expect. We talked about everything, and he told me that he messed up, was confused, and now he isn't and he really loves me. So we got back together. But now, it doesn't seem the same. He talks to me on the phone, but doesn't seem the same. He says I love you but not as much as before. He even said before we broke up that he thinks he is changing and he doesn't want to hurt me. Is he changed now? Did I make a mistake to get back together? How do I know that I'm his only one?? I feel like I'm still in love with the person I went out before, and I don't know if that person is still the same?
VictorM's advice:
People's feelings about others do change. The stories about his friends giving him crap and this other girl could be signs that he doesn't feel about you as he once did and is trying to find a way out. Maybe that's what you're detecting in his behavior. But there's another possibility.
Maybe you have changed. Maybe his "I love you" doesn't sound the same to you because you're starting to wonder about you two. So now, you say he's not how he was before and you're counting how often he says I love you. Maybe you're the one looking for cracks in the relationship.
No matter what mental gymnastics you do, your boyfriend is what he is now, not what he was before. You have to decide if you want this guy or not. But you don't have to rush.
You didn't make a mistake going back with him. It's important that if you break-up and stay broken-up that you're sure that's what you want to do. Whether you stay with him or don't, it's not the end of the world. But it's nice to do the right thing for the right reasons. You seem like a very thoughtful girl. If you trust your instincts you will not go wrong.
All the girls flock to him
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
Hi Victor :)
I'm going to ask you a really dumb question :) OK, I've started seeing a guy I've know for a while, he's stunning! He was keen on me ages ago but I was unavailable. All the girls flock to him but I don't, and I think that's what grabbed his attention as he has a reputation for being a ladies man, but assures me that was years ago and he's grown up since then. He sees me 5 times a week and doesn't push me into being intimate or anything. He's really good looking, has money, flashy cars, 2 businesses and is only 20! So how so I grab this guy for keeps??
VictorM's advice:
Get pregnant by him!
Just kidding!!! You are right, this is a dumb question. :)
OK, seriously... Well, Lindsey, there are no tricks. He'll either be hooked on you or he won't. You seem to be doing the right things right now, so just continue doing what you're doing. If you start getting gimmicky chances are he'll notice and most likely will be turned off. He likes you the way you are. Being yourself is your secret weapon -- use it!
Hi Victor :)
I'm going to ask you a really dumb question :) OK, I've started seeing a guy I've know for a while, he's stunning! He was keen on me ages ago but I was unavailable. All the girls flock to him but I don't, and I think that's what grabbed his attention as he has a reputation for being a ladies man, but assures me that was years ago and he's grown up since then. He sees me 5 times a week and doesn't push me into being intimate or anything. He's really good looking, has money, flashy cars, 2 businesses and is only 20! So how so I grab this guy for keeps??
VictorM's advice:
Get pregnant by him!
Just kidding!!! You are right, this is a dumb question. :)
OK, seriously... Well, Lindsey, there are no tricks. He'll either be hooked on you or he won't. You seem to be doing the right things right now, so just continue doing what you're doing. If you start getting gimmicky chances are he'll notice and most likely will be turned off. He likes you the way you are. Being yourself is your secret weapon -- use it!
A peck on the cheek
Kate, 18, from Australia, asks:
There's a guy who I met at a party two weeks ago. I got a text message from him the next day, as he asked for my number the night before, and I have since had at least 4 every day since then, and we got to the point where he asked if I would go to his 18th birthday last weekend, which I went to and took the girls from the party the week before. We hardly spoke because he was busy entertaining his guests, but when I was leaving he said, "Bye kate" and looked really nervous as he gave me a peck on the cheek, before waving goodbye to the girls I was with. To make it even more strange, he texted me the day after saying how me being there brightened the atmosphere and that he was sorry he didn't get to speak to me for longer. So then this week he asked if I would go out for coffee to "get to know each other". We did this, and we just walked and talked for the afternoon, but since then we have still been sending texts, but nothing has come of it.
From a guys perspective..would you think that he likes me or that after that catchup when it was just the two of us that he's no longer interested and that we're just friends? I'm just confused as to what might be running through his head. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Well, Kate, what did you expect him to do, propose marriage? He made it clear he wanted to get to know you. Takes more than one afternoon to do that. In fact, it may take weeks.
Something might come of it, just not as quickly as you would like. But that's normal. Girls like to dive head first into a relationship; guys like to take baby steps. Slow and steady is better.
There's a guy who I met at a party two weeks ago. I got a text message from him the next day, as he asked for my number the night before, and I have since had at least 4 every day since then, and we got to the point where he asked if I would go to his 18th birthday last weekend, which I went to and took the girls from the party the week before. We hardly spoke because he was busy entertaining his guests, but when I was leaving he said, "Bye kate" and looked really nervous as he gave me a peck on the cheek, before waving goodbye to the girls I was with. To make it even more strange, he texted me the day after saying how me being there brightened the atmosphere and that he was sorry he didn't get to speak to me for longer. So then this week he asked if I would go out for coffee to "get to know each other". We did this, and we just walked and talked for the afternoon, but since then we have still been sending texts, but nothing has come of it.
From a guys perspective..would you think that he likes me or that after that catchup when it was just the two of us that he's no longer interested and that we're just friends? I'm just confused as to what might be running through his head. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Well, Kate, what did you expect him to do, propose marriage? He made it clear he wanted to get to know you. Takes more than one afternoon to do that. In fact, it may take weeks.
Something might come of it, just not as quickly as you would like. But that's normal. Girls like to dive head first into a relationship; guys like to take baby steps. Slow and steady is better.
They spend next to no time together
Amber, 24, from ontario, asks:
My man and I spend next to no time together. We talk every other day sometimes for hours on the phone but I'll be lucky to see him twice a month. I already left him once because of it but he talked me into getting back together. What I don't understand is if he doesn't want to be with me why didn't he just leave me be when we were split up? He says he's just trying to get himself set up for life and when he's accomplished his goals then he can add me into his life, so to be patient. I'm so confused.
VictorM's advice:
You're just not a priority in his life. If he doesn't have the time for you now, during the courtship phase, he will have even less time later on. But later on won't happen. Count on him dumping you once he finds someone he can get into. For a guy in his 20's to be willing to see you just a couple of times of a month shows that you're just plan B. Right now you're just a sounding board, not a lover. And he needs a sounding board.
Not letting you be even though he doesn't see you and has other priorities is an indication of a self-obsessed greedy person. And such a person will always think of "me", never of "us". If you think he'll change, think again. Do you really believe that a person so goal oriented will run out of goals? Not likely.
My man and I spend next to no time together. We talk every other day sometimes for hours on the phone but I'll be lucky to see him twice a month. I already left him once because of it but he talked me into getting back together. What I don't understand is if he doesn't want to be with me why didn't he just leave me be when we were split up? He says he's just trying to get himself set up for life and when he's accomplished his goals then he can add me into his life, so to be patient. I'm so confused.
VictorM's advice:
You're just not a priority in his life. If he doesn't have the time for you now, during the courtship phase, he will have even less time later on. But later on won't happen. Count on him dumping you once he finds someone he can get into. For a guy in his 20's to be willing to see you just a couple of times of a month shows that you're just plan B. Right now you're just a sounding board, not a lover. And he needs a sounding board.
Not letting you be even though he doesn't see you and has other priorities is an indication of a self-obsessed greedy person. And such a person will always think of "me", never of "us". If you think he'll change, think again. Do you really believe that a person so goal oriented will run out of goals? Not likely.
She believes he's seeing someone
Annie, 42, from TN, asks:
Dear VictorM
I was dating a man for 2.5 years. He recently moved back home to Indiana. I believe he is seeing someone. When he came back for a visit to get some things he kept me at a distance and I only saw him one evening out of three days. When he thought I sent him a sexy pic that he could not open he told me to come over then. When I got there and said, what pic? he would not let me get close to him and then said it was over, it would not be fair to see me and have sex then, leave. We talked and he just acted distant and cold then, started joking around saying it was him not me.. then, I know that reply and said, can't believe you just said that and he laughed. I left and he followed me out and said, he was just joking ... never spoke again. So, I guess it's over and he will never call me again.
VictorM's advice:
You guess? Sounded like the guy was very clear; no guessing is necessary -- it is over! Over and out. Kaput. Finished. Terminated. Dead. Aborted. Ended. Ceased. End of the line. The fat lady sang. Finito. Fini. Acabado. El fin. The end!
Dear VictorM
I was dating a man for 2.5 years. He recently moved back home to Indiana. I believe he is seeing someone. When he came back for a visit to get some things he kept me at a distance and I only saw him one evening out of three days. When he thought I sent him a sexy pic that he could not open he told me to come over then. When I got there and said, what pic? he would not let me get close to him and then said it was over, it would not be fair to see me and have sex then, leave. We talked and he just acted distant and cold then, started joking around saying it was him not me.. then, I know that reply and said, can't believe you just said that and he laughed. I left and he followed me out and said, he was just joking ... never spoke again. So, I guess it's over and he will never call me again.
VictorM's advice:
You guess? Sounded like the guy was very clear; no guessing is necessary -- it is over! Over and out. Kaput. Finished. Terminated. Dead. Aborted. Ended. Ceased. End of the line. The fat lady sang. Finito. Fini. Acabado. El fin. The end!
She's the new girl in town
Jessica, 16, from NJ, asks:
I used to see a guy in the halls everyday in my school last year, and thought nothing of him. I know he is friends with one of my friends, but I never payed any attention to him. This summer he introduced himself to me at a party, and lately he's all I think about. He seems so sweet and interesting I just can't get enough. School started and I sit 2 tables away from him at lunch. After that party in the summer, he contacted me online. I made a joke that he would forget me the next day, and as soon as I came home he found me on myspace. I see him everyday in school, and he always says hi. Sometimes he IMs me on AOL.. but he never asked me to hang out or anything. We were talking about relationships, which he brought up, so I figured he's interested. Some time passed and I found out that he hooked up with a girl over the weekend. I know its too early, maybe he wants to get to know me or whatever, but I just can't get him out of my head. He has had plenty of opportunities to ask me out and he still hasn't. I should mention that he is one of the most, if not the most popular guy in school and me, well I'm kind of the new girl. I moved last year. He seems like a nice guy to me, and my friend told me he doesn't really date much because he grew up in our town and every girl knows him as just a friend. Something seems weird though, because another friend told me he is a player.
VictorM's advice:
I read your submission carefully but I didn't see a question in there. So I'm going to make an assumption.
It seems that he's a polite and friendly individual, which accounts in part for his popularity. So far he's being friendly but there's no sign that he's interested in you for anything other than friendship, at this time anyway. But if you continue to talk to him, and as he gets to know you better, good things could come out of it. So you really have nothing to lose by being friendly with him. Meanwhile, you can access for yourself just what type of guy he really is beyond the looks and the charm.
I used to see a guy in the halls everyday in my school last year, and thought nothing of him. I know he is friends with one of my friends, but I never payed any attention to him. This summer he introduced himself to me at a party, and lately he's all I think about. He seems so sweet and interesting I just can't get enough. School started and I sit 2 tables away from him at lunch. After that party in the summer, he contacted me online. I made a joke that he would forget me the next day, and as soon as I came home he found me on myspace. I see him everyday in school, and he always says hi. Sometimes he IMs me on AOL.. but he never asked me to hang out or anything. We were talking about relationships, which he brought up, so I figured he's interested. Some time passed and I found out that he hooked up with a girl over the weekend. I know its too early, maybe he wants to get to know me or whatever, but I just can't get him out of my head. He has had plenty of opportunities to ask me out and he still hasn't. I should mention that he is one of the most, if not the most popular guy in school and me, well I'm kind of the new girl. I moved last year. He seems like a nice guy to me, and my friend told me he doesn't really date much because he grew up in our town and every girl knows him as just a friend. Something seems weird though, because another friend told me he is a player.
VictorM's advice:
I read your submission carefully but I didn't see a question in there. So I'm going to make an assumption.
It seems that he's a polite and friendly individual, which accounts in part for his popularity. So far he's being friendly but there's no sign that he's interested in you for anything other than friendship, at this time anyway. But if you continue to talk to him, and as he gets to know you better, good things could come out of it. So you really have nothing to lose by being friendly with him. Meanwhile, you can access for yourself just what type of guy he really is beyond the looks and the charm.
He took another woman on vacation
Kim, 51, from Memphis, TN, asks:
Dear Victor,
I have known this man for around 9 months. Actually, we only dated three months, seeing each other three or four times a week. He wanted me to move in with him and I didn't respond because I want to be married and not live with someone. Now, he had told me two week after meeting me that he had made prior arrangements to go on a vacation out of town. A week before he was leaving on his vacation he had asked me where was this relationship going. I told him let's wait and talk about it in a different place and time, because we were out and about. Well, we never had that conversation before he left. And, it was about two days into his vacation that I realized that he may have had another woman with him. So, I called him and broke it off with him. I was going to start dating other people. We both started dating and he continued to see that other woman. We ran into each other and were going to get together and have dinner. Then, he told me at dinner he was in love with someone else. She has more money and he said the money was a big concern. Because I am not in a situation with lots of money. I then told him what I thought of him and his materialist motives and he was a very shallow person. Then, I left him and started dancing with another man I know there at the restaurant. I was told later he stood and watched me 10 min. and left. Then, two days later he texted me wanting to go out on a date. I still remember him saying that we had a great relationship together and the sex was just an added bonus. But, why? After all that, why is he wanting to go out with me?
VictorM's advice:
You provided the answer to your own question. Why does he still want to go out with you? "The sex was just an added bonus." That's right, he's after that bonus.
Dear Victor,
I have known this man for around 9 months. Actually, we only dated three months, seeing each other three or four times a week. He wanted me to move in with him and I didn't respond because I want to be married and not live with someone. Now, he had told me two week after meeting me that he had made prior arrangements to go on a vacation out of town. A week before he was leaving on his vacation he had asked me where was this relationship going. I told him let's wait and talk about it in a different place and time, because we were out and about. Well, we never had that conversation before he left. And, it was about two days into his vacation that I realized that he may have had another woman with him. So, I called him and broke it off with him. I was going to start dating other people. We both started dating and he continued to see that other woman. We ran into each other and were going to get together and have dinner. Then, he told me at dinner he was in love with someone else. She has more money and he said the money was a big concern. Because I am not in a situation with lots of money. I then told him what I thought of him and his materialist motives and he was a very shallow person. Then, I left him and started dancing with another man I know there at the restaurant. I was told later he stood and watched me 10 min. and left. Then, two days later he texted me wanting to go out on a date. I still remember him saying that we had a great relationship together and the sex was just an added bonus. But, why? After all that, why is he wanting to go out with me?
VictorM's advice:
You provided the answer to your own question. Why does he still want to go out with you? "The sex was just an added bonus." That's right, he's after that bonus.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Dude, where's my answer?
I'm getting more questions than I've been able to answer. I have quite a few on file to get to. It may take up to 3 days to get your question answered.
I answer about 80% of the questions submitted, so if in 3 days I haven't gotten to yours, chances are that I skipped it.
I'm most likely to skip questions that are poorly written (netspeak is a no-no), or the ones that just ask "do you think he likes me?" after listing a series of actions.
I answer about 80% of the questions submitted, so if in 3 days I haven't gotten to yours, chances are that I skipped it.
I'm most likely to skip questions that are poorly written (netspeak is a no-no), or the ones that just ask "do you think he likes me?" after listing a series of actions.
He flakes repeatedly
mary, 30, from east coast, asks:
What is going on with a guy who flakes repeatedly? (not much, I know). I had a great date with a knockout guy a year ago. Said he'd call, never did, then every few months emails to say let's get together, then flakes off? Why spend the energy if he is not interested?
VictorM's advice:
There isn't much energy in sending off an email. So basically, he's got nothing to lose. He keeps you in his loop, just in case.
If you respond every few months, why do you do it?
What is going on with a guy who flakes repeatedly? (not much, I know). I had a great date with a knockout guy a year ago. Said he'd call, never did, then every few months emails to say let's get together, then flakes off? Why spend the energy if he is not interested?
VictorM's advice:
There isn't much energy in sending off an email. So basically, he's got nothing to lose. He keeps you in his loop, just in case.
If you respond every few months, why do you do it?
She made a promise to god to not have sex
Alexis, 35, from New Jersey, asks:
I have been dating this guy off and on for a year. We are very attracted to one another. The problem is I made a promise to God that I would not have sex again until I was married. When we're together we are very physical and we want to go all the way, but he says that if we slip up then our relationship is over. What can I do to keep the relationship going without slipping up?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you'd want to hear what I have to say about promises such as yours. So I'd say you came to the wrong place for advice. You should seek the advice of your religious leader.
I have been dating this guy off and on for a year. We are very attracted to one another. The problem is I made a promise to God that I would not have sex again until I was married. When we're together we are very physical and we want to go all the way, but he says that if we slip up then our relationship is over. What can I do to keep the relationship going without slipping up?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you'd want to hear what I have to say about promises such as yours. So I'd say you came to the wrong place for advice. You should seek the advice of your religious leader.
Her guy is nice to everyone
Michelle, 23, from LA, asks:
I've been in a relationship for over 3 years now. My guy is the type who has to be nice to everyone and liked by everyone. He's also good looking so naturally lots of girls fall for him. I always get frustrated by this but my guy thinks that as long as he's committed to me I shouldn't worry. He said that I should learn to deal with my jealousy and emotions.
Recently, a girl who he became friends with at school has been hitting on him. She contacts him whenever she feels like it telling him she's sick, asking for help when she's in an accident, calling in tears, sending random teasing texts like "hey stupid," etc. She's getting on my nerves but my guy won't budge. He doesn't get why I'm concerned, claiming she's just a friend. These last few days he even started deleting the msgs and call records from her.
I feel like he loves me but this slut is really making me paranoid. Should I be worried or am I overreacting?
VictorM's advice:
You're overreacting when you call her a slut. If you use that tone with him you are out of line. You should show more respect for those whom he considers friends (unless you have specific reasons, which you don't seem to have in her case).
I get a distinct feeling that there's a lot more to this story than you're telling. If, as I suspect, your jealousy is above normal, your boyfriend is walking a fine line between wanting to please you and not wanting to have to reject everyone who is a female.
On the other hand, if you only have problems with this one girl, try to explain to him how you feel about their friendship. Talk about your feelings without accusing him or her, of anything wrong. Ultimately, your boyfriend has to decide whether to be more concerned for your feelings or hers. Normally, I would say he should consider your feelings most, but in this case, I don't know... you seem too demanding and/or too insecure.
I've been in a relationship for over 3 years now. My guy is the type who has to be nice to everyone and liked by everyone. He's also good looking so naturally lots of girls fall for him. I always get frustrated by this but my guy thinks that as long as he's committed to me I shouldn't worry. He said that I should learn to deal with my jealousy and emotions.
Recently, a girl who he became friends with at school has been hitting on him. She contacts him whenever she feels like it telling him she's sick, asking for help when she's in an accident, calling in tears, sending random teasing texts like "hey stupid," etc. She's getting on my nerves but my guy won't budge. He doesn't get why I'm concerned, claiming she's just a friend. These last few days he even started deleting the msgs and call records from her.
I feel like he loves me but this slut is really making me paranoid. Should I be worried or am I overreacting?
VictorM's advice:
You're overreacting when you call her a slut. If you use that tone with him you are out of line. You should show more respect for those whom he considers friends (unless you have specific reasons, which you don't seem to have in her case).
I get a distinct feeling that there's a lot more to this story than you're telling. If, as I suspect, your jealousy is above normal, your boyfriend is walking a fine line between wanting to please you and not wanting to have to reject everyone who is a female.
On the other hand, if you only have problems with this one girl, try to explain to him how you feel about their friendship. Talk about your feelings without accusing him or her, of anything wrong. Ultimately, your boyfriend has to decide whether to be more concerned for your feelings or hers. Normally, I would say he should consider your feelings most, but in this case, I don't know... you seem too demanding and/or too insecure.
Kate has a pretty big problem
Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:
Hey VictorM,
How've you been? I have a pretty big problem, and I'm not sure what to do about it. There's this guy, Jack, who I'm 98% sure likes me. He's asked more than one of my friends to find out who I like, and he hangs around me and looks for me in the halls and always seems to be around me and he always makes a point to sit next to me in the classes we have together. We email constantly and we're pretty good friends. I'm pretty sure he likes me, and I've started REALLY liking him back, but a couple of my friends (not all) say he's got a bad rep, and it wouldn’t be good for me to go out with him if he asks. I really, really like him, but I’m kind of worried about his rep. He’s been suspended once, for misbehaving in art class, and some other stuff (I’m not too sure what it was). He’s been really sweet to me, and I do know a lot of people who like him, but I’m still unsure. So, 1. Does he definitely like me? 2. What should I do about his rep? and 3. Should I listen to my friends, or go out with him if and when he asks? Would I get a bad rep for going out with a guy who might have a bad rep? Please help me ASAP!!! Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
1. Of course he likes you. Really, who doesn't like the great Kate from Boston?
2. Oh forget about his rep. If you lived in a small town, maybe you should worry a bit, but you live in the great, liberal, city of Boston. Who cares, really? So he misbehaved in art class. Give the boy a medal, I say!
3. Don't listen to your friends. Seriously, what the heck do they know about life? Next to nothing.
Kate, what matters most is how he treats you. Plus, you'll be able to know if his rep is deserved or not. Besides, the kid is 13, it's not like he's a drug dealer, an assassin, or worse -- a Republican. You can straighten out his ass or ship him out to pasture.
And if you do decide to dump him, do me a favor. Call him over and sing to him:
Hit the road Jack, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road Jack, and don't you come back no more.
Oh, and by the way, I've been great. Thanks for asking. :)
Hey VictorM,
How've you been? I have a pretty big problem, and I'm not sure what to do about it. There's this guy, Jack, who I'm 98% sure likes me. He's asked more than one of my friends to find out who I like, and he hangs around me and looks for me in the halls and always seems to be around me and he always makes a point to sit next to me in the classes we have together. We email constantly and we're pretty good friends. I'm pretty sure he likes me, and I've started REALLY liking him back, but a couple of my friends (not all) say he's got a bad rep, and it wouldn’t be good for me to go out with him if he asks. I really, really like him, but I’m kind of worried about his rep. He’s been suspended once, for misbehaving in art class, and some other stuff (I’m not too sure what it was). He’s been really sweet to me, and I do know a lot of people who like him, but I’m still unsure. So, 1. Does he definitely like me? 2. What should I do about his rep? and 3. Should I listen to my friends, or go out with him if and when he asks? Would I get a bad rep for going out with a guy who might have a bad rep? Please help me ASAP!!! Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
1. Of course he likes you. Really, who doesn't like the great Kate from Boston?
2. Oh forget about his rep. If you lived in a small town, maybe you should worry a bit, but you live in the great, liberal, city of Boston. Who cares, really? So he misbehaved in art class. Give the boy a medal, I say!
3. Don't listen to your friends. Seriously, what the heck do they know about life? Next to nothing.
Kate, what matters most is how he treats you. Plus, you'll be able to know if his rep is deserved or not. Besides, the kid is 13, it's not like he's a drug dealer, an assassin, or worse -- a Republican. You can straighten out his ass or ship him out to pasture.
And if you do decide to dump him, do me a favor. Call him over and sing to him:
Hit the road Jack, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road Jack, and don't you come back no more.
Oh, and by the way, I've been great. Thanks for asking. :)
Empty without him
anonymous, asks:
How do you get your boyfriend back after you broke up? I don't know how to tell him he was my everything. It feels so empty without him. How do I get him back/let him know?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know who initiated the break-up, but it hardly matters; whatever reasons led to the break-up are still there. What changed that would fix anything?
If your life is empty without him, it just means you're not trying hard enough to stand on your own. Being too dependent on someone else to not feel empty is a recipe for much unhappiness. Things have to change for you: go out with friends, find new hobbies, change your hairstyle, move, get a new job, start exercising, etc. When your life doesn't feel so empty, maybe, just maybe, you'll be ready to give another relationship a try, either with him or anyone else. Otherwise, you're just going to be a clingy girlfriend facing more break-ups.
How do you get your boyfriend back after you broke up? I don't know how to tell him he was my everything. It feels so empty without him. How do I get him back/let him know?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know who initiated the break-up, but it hardly matters; whatever reasons led to the break-up are still there. What changed that would fix anything?
If your life is empty without him, it just means you're not trying hard enough to stand on your own. Being too dependent on someone else to not feel empty is a recipe for much unhappiness. Things have to change for you: go out with friends, find new hobbies, change your hairstyle, move, get a new job, start exercising, etc. When your life doesn't feel so empty, maybe, just maybe, you'll be ready to give another relationship a try, either with him or anyone else. Otherwise, you're just going to be a clingy girlfriend facing more break-ups.
He declined to meet her parents
olivia, 21, from chicago, asks:
I've been "hanging out" with this guy for a little over two months. Up until the beginning of the last week, he would call 3 or more times to make plans with me, then after inviting him to meet my parents, he declined (with excuses) and since then has not called me. The only time we spoke was when I initiated via text and he invited me over (on wednesday). That night I left saying "call me, or don't call me, no pressure" sort of thing, and he hasn't called me. Is he not in to me? What can I do to keep him interested, should I call him?
VictorM's advice:
From your short submission I see two problems.
Wanting him to meet your parents was a big no-no. You might as well have told him you wanted to go pick wedding bands. Yeah, I know, you probably didn't mean it that way, but that's how he saw it. The message was that you tried to push him into a serious relationship when he was happily getting to know you at a reasonable pace.
Then you gave him the impression that whether he calls or not is not a big deal. Come on! That's no way to encourage anyone. The truth is that you want him to contact you. You should have told him that (without giving him the impression you want to go shopping for jewelery).
Yeah, call him to hang out with you. Think of something that's fun and non-threatening. Don't bring up any of those other issues. Just carry on as if nothing has happened, and behave in the same way you were before the "meet the parents" disaster.
I've been "hanging out" with this guy for a little over two months. Up until the beginning of the last week, he would call 3 or more times to make plans with me, then after inviting him to meet my parents, he declined (with excuses) and since then has not called me. The only time we spoke was when I initiated via text and he invited me over (on wednesday). That night I left saying "call me, or don't call me, no pressure" sort of thing, and he hasn't called me. Is he not in to me? What can I do to keep him interested, should I call him?
VictorM's advice:
From your short submission I see two problems.
Wanting him to meet your parents was a big no-no. You might as well have told him you wanted to go pick wedding bands. Yeah, I know, you probably didn't mean it that way, but that's how he saw it. The message was that you tried to push him into a serious relationship when he was happily getting to know you at a reasonable pace.
Then you gave him the impression that whether he calls or not is not a big deal. Come on! That's no way to encourage anyone. The truth is that you want him to contact you. You should have told him that (without giving him the impression you want to go shopping for jewelery).
Yeah, call him to hang out with you. Think of something that's fun and non-threatening. Don't bring up any of those other issues. Just carry on as if nothing has happened, and behave in the same way you were before the "meet the parents" disaster.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Contacting a former date
Jade, 25, from Arizona, asks:
If I want to contact the guy who have dated me before for 6 months, whom I have not met him for over 1 year, is it a good idea? What is the best way to do it? Can I ask him to meet up?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know why you two stopped dating, but if there is no bad blood between you two, sure, I don't see why you shouldn't contact him. But first make sure he's not married or seeing someone seriously before you ask to meet him.
Call him, email him, text him, any way you can contact him is fine. Just say it would be nice to see him again and how about meeting for a drink/coffee/dinner, whatever you feel most comfortable with.
If I want to contact the guy who have dated me before for 6 months, whom I have not met him for over 1 year, is it a good idea? What is the best way to do it? Can I ask him to meet up?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know why you two stopped dating, but if there is no bad blood between you two, sure, I don't see why you shouldn't contact him. But first make sure he's not married or seeing someone seriously before you ask to meet him.
Call him, email him, text him, any way you can contact him is fine. Just say it would be nice to see him again and how about meeting for a drink/coffee/dinner, whatever you feel most comfortable with.
He asked her not to give him false hope
Justine, 14, from Manila, Philippines, asks:
My friend told me he liked me and to not give him false hope, I told him the truth that I was in love with someone else. From then on we don't talk to each other as often as we used to. He's very distant from me now and jokingly tells me that I pissed him off. He has this habit of making jokes out of serious issues like this. Is he mad at me? Why is he awkward? Will we be able to be friends again like we used to?
VictorM's answer:
No, he's not mad at you. It's just that his ego (his pride) has been hurt. It takes guys some time to get over that. It's normal for it to feel a bit awkward after a conversation like yours and it's also common for guys to joke about stuff like that to give the appearance they they're OK.
Give him some time and things will get a little better between you two. I'm not saying things will ever be as they were before -- chances are that they won't be -- but once he gets over you and finds another girl to like, things won't be as awkward as they are now.
My friend told me he liked me and to not give him false hope, I told him the truth that I was in love with someone else. From then on we don't talk to each other as often as we used to. He's very distant from me now and jokingly tells me that I pissed him off. He has this habit of making jokes out of serious issues like this. Is he mad at me? Why is he awkward? Will we be able to be friends again like we used to?
VictorM's answer:
No, he's not mad at you. It's just that his ego (his pride) has been hurt. It takes guys some time to get over that. It's normal for it to feel a bit awkward after a conversation like yours and it's also common for guys to joke about stuff like that to give the appearance they they're OK.
Give him some time and things will get a little better between you two. I'm not saying things will ever be as they were before -- chances are that they won't be -- but once he gets over you and finds another girl to like, things won't be as awkward as they are now.
They've only known each other for three weeks
Kristine, 18, from Virginia, asks:
I like this guy a lot, but here's the problem: we've only known each other for 3 weeks, and he broke up with his girlfriend before we met. He has been really nice to me, and I don't mean just nice, but he treats me almost like his girlfriend! But at the same time he also has this really close "girl-friend" that he calls every single day and since she isn't here with him, they have webcam chats every single night!!! I don't know if he likes me or not, or if he is just playing around. Am I just a rebound? He acts like my boyfriend when no one is around, but he's talking to this other girl at the same time. What's up with that?? Is he interested in me at all??
VictorM's advice:
You're sounding as if you don't think a guy can have a close friend who is a girl. Of course he can.
There's a good chance he likes talking to her because she's familiar with his recent past, probably knows his ex girlfriend, and he feels comfortable talking to someone who knows the whole history. And the mere fact that you know all of this suggests he's open about it and is not trying to hide it.
From what you said, it looks like he likes you. And as he gets more into you, if he does, chances are his friend would get less of his attention as his need to talk about the past lessens.
I like this guy a lot, but here's the problem: we've only known each other for 3 weeks, and he broke up with his girlfriend before we met. He has been really nice to me, and I don't mean just nice, but he treats me almost like his girlfriend! But at the same time he also has this really close "girl-friend" that he calls every single day and since she isn't here with him, they have webcam chats every single night!!! I don't know if he likes me or not, or if he is just playing around. Am I just a rebound? He acts like my boyfriend when no one is around, but he's talking to this other girl at the same time. What's up with that?? Is he interested in me at all??
VictorM's advice:
You're sounding as if you don't think a guy can have a close friend who is a girl. Of course he can.
There's a good chance he likes talking to her because she's familiar with his recent past, probably knows his ex girlfriend, and he feels comfortable talking to someone who knows the whole history. And the mere fact that you know all of this suggests he's open about it and is not trying to hide it.
From what you said, it looks like he likes you. And as he gets more into you, if he does, chances are his friend would get less of his attention as his need to talk about the past lessens.
He asked for her phone number
Megan watts, 14, from California, asks:
If a boy asks for your phone number does that mean he likes me and if he does what do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Chances are that he likes you but asking for a girl's phone number is something that guys like doing just to satisfy their ego. They can gather with their friends and boast "hey, look, I got her phone number". It's like a little trophy.
Do nothing. If he likes you, let him be the one to chase you.
If a boy asks for your phone number does that mean he likes me and if he does what do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Chances are that he likes you but asking for a girl's phone number is something that guys like doing just to satisfy their ego. They can gather with their friends and boast "hey, look, I got her phone number". It's like a little trophy.
Do nothing. If he likes you, let him be the one to chase you.
Over-the-top flirty
Sara, 15, from Florida, asks:
When I met him he was over-the-top flirty and cracked jokes left and right. He made me laugh, and I liked that, so I was attracted to him. But it wasn't like I wanted to date him or anything. He was just someone to laugh at and have fun with.
But even though he has a girlfriend, he's been acting way different lately. Like lending me his jacket and sitting with me at lunch instead of with her. I'm not trying to promote him to do this, but he is fun...
How should I handle this? People already have started talking and his girlfriend is mad at me. What should I say to him?
VictorM's advice:
You should do nothing different. He makes you laugh and you enjoy his company. You're doing nothing wrong.
What you should do is pay close attention to how he respects his girlfriend. If he doesn't care about her feelings, chances are he wouldn't care about yours if he becomes your boyfriend. If the issue about his girlfriend being mad at you comes up and he says he doesn't care, I hope you lose interest in him because most likely that's how he will treat you. If he's interested in you, it's up to him to break-up with his girlfriend so that he's free to be with you.
You should not meddle in their relationship. Let it come from him.
When I met him he was over-the-top flirty and cracked jokes left and right. He made me laugh, and I liked that, so I was attracted to him. But it wasn't like I wanted to date him or anything. He was just someone to laugh at and have fun with.
But even though he has a girlfriend, he's been acting way different lately. Like lending me his jacket and sitting with me at lunch instead of with her. I'm not trying to promote him to do this, but he is fun...
How should I handle this? People already have started talking and his girlfriend is mad at me. What should I say to him?
VictorM's advice:
You should do nothing different. He makes you laugh and you enjoy his company. You're doing nothing wrong.
What you should do is pay close attention to how he respects his girlfriend. If he doesn't care about her feelings, chances are he wouldn't care about yours if he becomes your boyfriend. If the issue about his girlfriend being mad at you comes up and he says he doesn't care, I hope you lose interest in him because most likely that's how he will treat you. If he's interested in you, it's up to him to break-up with his girlfriend so that he's free to be with you.
You should not meddle in their relationship. Let it come from him.
Will he leave the mother of his daughter for her?
Starla, 39, from USA, asks:
What are the chances he will leave his current living situation for me? My boyfriend lives with a long time girlfriend. They have a 14 year old daughter. The girlfriend quit having sex with him 6 years ago. They are just going through the motions as far as living together and being roommates. He wants to let go but doesn't know how to leave his daughter. I think he is just waiting to get caught so he doesn't have to bring up the subject on his own.
VictorM's advice:
The girl is 14 years old already. Of course he knows how to leave her. He's just using her as an excuse. If he wanted you badly enough he would have left already. I think you're in denial about his commitment to you.
What are the chances he will leave his current living situation for me? My boyfriend lives with a long time girlfriend. They have a 14 year old daughter. The girlfriend quit having sex with him 6 years ago. They are just going through the motions as far as living together and being roommates. He wants to let go but doesn't know how to leave his daughter. I think he is just waiting to get caught so he doesn't have to bring up the subject on his own.
VictorM's advice:
The girl is 14 years old already. Of course he knows how to leave her. He's just using her as an excuse. If he wanted you badly enough he would have left already. I think you're in denial about his commitment to you.
The last year has been extremely difficult
Jennifer, 26, from USA, asks:
I have been in a dating relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years. We do not live together but have been very close for those years. The last year has been extremely difficult for us but we are still together. I think, haha about a week ago I took anger out on him for no reason and now he will not speak to me. He ignores my calls and when I stop by he will not open the door. What should I do, should I assume we are broken up?
VictorM's advice:
Don't assume -- confirm it. But don't wait for his input; you have all the information you need. Take decisive action by calling or emailing him telling him that you are breaking up with him.
Why would you want to date a man who acts like such a baby anyway?
I have been in a dating relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years. We do not live together but have been very close for those years. The last year has been extremely difficult for us but we are still together. I think, haha about a week ago I took anger out on him for no reason and now he will not speak to me. He ignores my calls and when I stop by he will not open the door. What should I do, should I assume we are broken up?
VictorM's advice:
Don't assume -- confirm it. But don't wait for his input; you have all the information you need. Take decisive action by calling or emailing him telling him that you are breaking up with him.
Why would you want to date a man who acts like such a baby anyway?
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Ace is pregnant
Ace, 19, asks:
Hey there again, remember me? I took your advice and I am trying to make it work with my boyfriend, and I've been trying to give him more space and what-not, but he has become really detatched and doesn't even want to be near me anymore, much less touch me or make love. It is very stressful and I feel like I am the only person trying to fix things and trying to give... On top of all of that, I just found out that I am pregnant. He is angry. He says it's my fault and he won't say anything else on the matter... I'm going to keep my baby, but I'm beginning to think that maybe I need to raise this child on my own. He's becoming very angry and violent.... I never expected any of this.... Oh, and I got T-boned by another car while driving his car home from work and he almost asked me to leave over it.... Do you really think all of this can still work; Or should I take my baby and leave?
VictorM's advice:
Take the baby and leave as soon as you can. Why do I say this? Because of this sentense: "He's becoming very angry and violent." There should nothing else to talk about. Don't make excuses, don't think you can fix him, don't expect it to be a passing phase. You must leave before there's irreparable damage.
Hey there again, remember me? I took your advice and I am trying to make it work with my boyfriend, and I've been trying to give him more space and what-not, but he has become really detatched and doesn't even want to be near me anymore, much less touch me or make love. It is very stressful and I feel like I am the only person trying to fix things and trying to give... On top of all of that, I just found out that I am pregnant. He is angry. He says it's my fault and he won't say anything else on the matter... I'm going to keep my baby, but I'm beginning to think that maybe I need to raise this child on my own. He's becoming very angry and violent.... I never expected any of this.... Oh, and I got T-boned by another car while driving his car home from work and he almost asked me to leave over it.... Do you really think all of this can still work; Or should I take my baby and leave?
VictorM's advice:
Take the baby and leave as soon as you can. Why do I say this? Because of this sentense: "He's becoming very angry and violent." There should nothing else to talk about. Don't make excuses, don't think you can fix him, don't expect it to be a passing phase. You must leave before there's irreparable damage.
Do you miss me?
ann, 35, from texas, asks:
What does it mean when you ask a guy "Do you miss me?" and he responds with "No, but I really wish you were here with me." Doesn't him wishing I were there with him kind of imply that he DOES miss me? Is there some subtle difference that I'm not getting? I'm so confused.
VictorM's advice:
I have the feeling that he thinks, and the dictionary backs this up, that missing someone implies some element of suffering without you. Sounds like this guy is a "the glass is half full" kinda person. So, while away, he thinks about you, wishes you were with him, but he accepts that you are not and he goes about having a fulfilling life even without you. As a woman, you probably want him miss you (as in, suffering without you) but he seems to be using logic and common sense that most females can't even begin to imagine (hence your confusion). Of course, he could lie and say what you want to hear, but he sounds far too mature for that silliness.
Part of his reply probably has to do with emotional discipline. If he goes away from you for a certain amount of time he conditions himself to accept that fate and plans his life so that he is occupied for the duration of his absence. It is likely that he uses the memories of good times with you and the anticipation of seeing you again as a "floating device" to carry him through until he returns to your arms.
You must be quite a women if you have this kind of impact on a guy. Have you got an available older sister? :)
What does it mean when you ask a guy "Do you miss me?" and he responds with "No, but I really wish you were here with me." Doesn't him wishing I were there with him kind of imply that he DOES miss me? Is there some subtle difference that I'm not getting? I'm so confused.
VictorM's advice:
I have the feeling that he thinks, and the dictionary backs this up, that missing someone implies some element of suffering without you. Sounds like this guy is a "the glass is half full" kinda person. So, while away, he thinks about you, wishes you were with him, but he accepts that you are not and he goes about having a fulfilling life even without you. As a woman, you probably want him miss you (as in, suffering without you) but he seems to be using logic and common sense that most females can't even begin to imagine (hence your confusion). Of course, he could lie and say what you want to hear, but he sounds far too mature for that silliness.
Part of his reply probably has to do with emotional discipline. If he goes away from you for a certain amount of time he conditions himself to accept that fate and plans his life so that he is occupied for the duration of his absence. It is likely that he uses the memories of good times with you and the anticipation of seeing you again as a "floating device" to carry him through until he returns to your arms.
You must be quite a women if you have this kind of impact on a guy. Have you got an available older sister? :)
He says she deserves to be loved
Lisa, 25, asks:
I am 25 years old and Ive been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. I've had a couple of relationships before him, one was serious. He's had several relationships before me but he told me he's never been in love. We have a good relationship, we do lots of things together, have the same friends, watch sports together and have a great friendship. I really love him but up until a couple of days ago he never told me he loved me. Before we started dating he told me he's never been in love. I've been going through a rough time lately and I've been very depressed, he knows that part of it is because I feel insecure with our relationship. The other night after a fight he said "I've been doing a lot of thinking about you and our relationship and I want you to know you really mean a lot. I've never felt this way about anyone and I want you to know that I do love you. You deserve to be loved." I told him how happy I was to hear that and hugged him. Then he said there's been times he wanted to tell me that but held back and that he doesn't want to say it all the time unless he feels it.
Do you think he said it because he felt he had to and wanted to make me feel better? I don't want to question him about it because I don't want him to regret saying it.
VictorM's advice:
Take the man at his word. After all, he did say he's been thinking about it for a while, so it's not likely that he said it just to make you feel better.
Some guys don't like to take the words "I love you" for granted. They don't say them too casually because they feel it lessens their impact. With guys like him, you're likely to hear them less often but with a lot of intensity.
Enjoy your great friendship and relationship. It sounds like you've got yourself a winner.
I am 25 years old and Ive been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. I've had a couple of relationships before him, one was serious. He's had several relationships before me but he told me he's never been in love. We have a good relationship, we do lots of things together, have the same friends, watch sports together and have a great friendship. I really love him but up until a couple of days ago he never told me he loved me. Before we started dating he told me he's never been in love. I've been going through a rough time lately and I've been very depressed, he knows that part of it is because I feel insecure with our relationship. The other night after a fight he said "I've been doing a lot of thinking about you and our relationship and I want you to know you really mean a lot. I've never felt this way about anyone and I want you to know that I do love you. You deserve to be loved." I told him how happy I was to hear that and hugged him. Then he said there's been times he wanted to tell me that but held back and that he doesn't want to say it all the time unless he feels it.
Do you think he said it because he felt he had to and wanted to make me feel better? I don't want to question him about it because I don't want him to regret saying it.
VictorM's advice:
Take the man at his word. After all, he did say he's been thinking about it for a while, so it's not likely that he said it just to make you feel better.
Some guys don't like to take the words "I love you" for granted. They don't say them too casually because they feel it lessens their impact. With guys like him, you're likely to hear them less often but with a lot of intensity.
Enjoy your great friendship and relationship. It sounds like you've got yourself a winner.
She would love for him to be more affectionate
sarah, 25, from aust, asks:
I know my boyfriend loves me a lot but he doesn't seem to want to be affectionate towards me... for example, he doesn't want to stroke me to sleep (if I asked him to... especially since I don't sleep easily) or a massage if my body's aching. He's ever ready to make out with me though and he does sweet gestures time to time.
When I explained to him gently that I would love for him to be more affectionate towards me, he gets defensive and says I'm being naggy.
We're in a pretty serious relationship and it hurts me a lot when he doesn't seem to want to TRY to be affectionate.
Is he just selfish by nature?
VictorM's advice:
He's not selfish by nature; you are!
You want him to stroke you to sleep? Girl, take a damn sleeping pill or drink a warm glass of milk, or something.
A massage isn't exactly something that a guy either knows how to do or has the tolerance to do without it leading to sex. So while it would be nice for him to rub your aching feet, legs, or shoulders, the term "massage" can be scary. Ask for less and reword your request.
It's great to want intimacy but your requests are for purely selfish reasons, for your personal satisfaction, not because it's something that you both can enjoy or something that brings you two closer together. If you had said you would like him to do those things because this way you could spend intimate time together, that's one thing, but that's not your stated motivation.
Sure, it would be nice if he was willing to do those things for you of his own free will, but to say it hurts you a lot that he doesn't do them, you're not just naggy, you're a nightmare. You're in a relationship with human, not some perfect personal vibrator that you can turn on and off at will.
I know my boyfriend loves me a lot but he doesn't seem to want to be affectionate towards me... for example, he doesn't want to stroke me to sleep (if I asked him to... especially since I don't sleep easily) or a massage if my body's aching. He's ever ready to make out with me though and he does sweet gestures time to time.
When I explained to him gently that I would love for him to be more affectionate towards me, he gets defensive and says I'm being naggy.
We're in a pretty serious relationship and it hurts me a lot when he doesn't seem to want to TRY to be affectionate.
Is he just selfish by nature?
VictorM's advice:
He's not selfish by nature; you are!
You want him to stroke you to sleep? Girl, take a damn sleeping pill or drink a warm glass of milk, or something.
A massage isn't exactly something that a guy either knows how to do or has the tolerance to do without it leading to sex. So while it would be nice for him to rub your aching feet, legs, or shoulders, the term "massage" can be scary. Ask for less and reword your request.
It's great to want intimacy but your requests are for purely selfish reasons, for your personal satisfaction, not because it's something that you both can enjoy or something that brings you two closer together. If you had said you would like him to do those things because this way you could spend intimate time together, that's one thing, but that's not your stated motivation.
Sure, it would be nice if he was willing to do those things for you of his own free will, but to say it hurts you a lot that he doesn't do them, you're not just naggy, you're a nightmare. You're in a relationship with human, not some perfect personal vibrator that you can turn on and off at will.
Talking on the phone just isn't enough
Kimberli, 22, from Louisiana, asks:
I have been dating this guy for 2 and a half months now. We get along pretty well and I talk to him on the phone daily. I see him on average about once every week and half for about 20 minutes. The problem is that we have only been on two dates. This is a problem to me simply because I feel that talking on the phone just isn't enough when we live in the same city. The day before yesterday he sent me a text saying that he just wanted to let me know that he had a thought about being in a relationship with me and it made he smile. The exact text was " Does the offer still stand for you to be my lady?" He said he sent me that to reassure me that this is not a dead end relationship and he soon wants more, but he just wants to be sure that nothing will change if we became exclusive. I wanted to know if you think it's a bad sign for a guy to never take a girl out or if Im just over reacting.
VictorM's advice:
You're not overreacting. You two live in the same town and he hasn't show an interest to see more often and for longer periods of time? Doesn't sound good to me. Either you're talking to a very detached person -- not a good sign if you like intimacy -- or you're talking to a guy who is just stringing you along for a "rainy day". I do think it's a bad sign because if he's not eager to be with you now at the start, when the attention from guys is usually at its peak, you are likely to not have much of it later on.
I realize that there could be other reasons such as no car, no money, health reasons, etc. but I can't imagine these would deter him from seeing you more often. Something is fishy, either with his personality or with his life.
I wouldn't even say that you have been dating him; you have dated him twice and exchanged some text messages, there's hardly any consistency.
I have been dating this guy for 2 and a half months now. We get along pretty well and I talk to him on the phone daily. I see him on average about once every week and half for about 20 minutes. The problem is that we have only been on two dates. This is a problem to me simply because I feel that talking on the phone just isn't enough when we live in the same city. The day before yesterday he sent me a text saying that he just wanted to let me know that he had a thought about being in a relationship with me and it made he smile. The exact text was " Does the offer still stand for you to be my lady?" He said he sent me that to reassure me that this is not a dead end relationship and he soon wants more, but he just wants to be sure that nothing will change if we became exclusive. I wanted to know if you think it's a bad sign for a guy to never take a girl out or if Im just over reacting.
VictorM's advice:
You're not overreacting. You two live in the same town and he hasn't show an interest to see more often and for longer periods of time? Doesn't sound good to me. Either you're talking to a very detached person -- not a good sign if you like intimacy -- or you're talking to a guy who is just stringing you along for a "rainy day". I do think it's a bad sign because if he's not eager to be with you now at the start, when the attention from guys is usually at its peak, you are likely to not have much of it later on.
I realize that there could be other reasons such as no car, no money, health reasons, etc. but I can't imagine these would deter him from seeing you more often. Something is fishy, either with his personality or with his life.
I wouldn't even say that you have been dating him; you have dated him twice and exchanged some text messages, there's hardly any consistency.
What's wrong with him?
Jennifer, 18, from California, asks:
I've been talking to this guy for a while now and I seemed to have liked him from the first time I saw him, I just didn't know it. We weren't always this close, it started off by him helping me in this course I was taking. He's always been nice to me and even when I have an exam or test of some sort, he would pull an all-nighter just to help me. I've been told he goes out of his way just to talk to me and I think it's really sweet. Sometimes I catch him looking at me and it gets really awkward. The problem is that I really like him, he's just involved with someone. I know I should stay away from him, which seems obvious, but what's wrong with him? No other guy has ever treated me like this, I just can't imagine letting him go. Oh and sometimes he even gets jealous when I'm talking to other guys and will actually stand in the middle...literally! please help me...
VictorM's advice:
So what's wrong with the guy? Probably nothing. He has a girlfriend but who's to say he's happy with her? Maybe their relationship is on shaky ground and will not last. Maybe knowing you will make him leave her. Either way, as long as you're not interfering with them -- and I strongly suggest that you stay out of their relationship -- continue to be friendly. I wouldn't expect him to just dump her overnight, and neither should you.
I've been talking to this guy for a while now and I seemed to have liked him from the first time I saw him, I just didn't know it. We weren't always this close, it started off by him helping me in this course I was taking. He's always been nice to me and even when I have an exam or test of some sort, he would pull an all-nighter just to help me. I've been told he goes out of his way just to talk to me and I think it's really sweet. Sometimes I catch him looking at me and it gets really awkward. The problem is that I really like him, he's just involved with someone. I know I should stay away from him, which seems obvious, but what's wrong with him? No other guy has ever treated me like this, I just can't imagine letting him go. Oh and sometimes he even gets jealous when I'm talking to other guys and will actually stand in the middle...literally! please help me...
VictorM's advice:
So what's wrong with the guy? Probably nothing. He has a girlfriend but who's to say he's happy with her? Maybe their relationship is on shaky ground and will not last. Maybe knowing you will make him leave her. Either way, as long as you're not interfering with them -- and I strongly suggest that you stay out of their relationship -- continue to be friendly. I wouldn't expect him to just dump her overnight, and neither should you.
Wrong birthday
Maxy, 25, from charlotte, asks:
Why would a guy tell me the wrong day of his birthday?
VictorM's answer:
This sounds like a riddle.
I really don't know but I wouldn't discount that he could be a pathological liar. If you catch him in a couple more insignificant lies, he may just be a pathological liar, but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now and consider that maybe he just misspoke or forgot for a minute.
Why would a guy tell me the wrong day of his birthday?
VictorM's answer:
This sounds like a riddle.
I really don't know but I wouldn't discount that he could be a pathological liar. If you catch him in a couple more insignificant lies, he may just be a pathological liar, but I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now and consider that maybe he just misspoke or forgot for a minute.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
He is emotionally unavailable
Sonya, 35, from Puerto Rico, asks:
I have been dating this guy for a couple of months. By what he tells about his life every woman (no matter how long or serious of a relationship) cheats on him. He is very handsome, a good lover and works hard. I though everything was going well and I was getting very close to him but a couple of weeks ago he told me we are just friends and that I cannot ask for any more. He keeps calling and seeing me every day. What bothers me a lot is that he is not affectionate and keeps talking about his ex's (wife, gf's, lovers, etc.) all the time even though he told me: "asking about ex's was not good".
Why is he always looking for my company when apparently he is emotionally unavailable? Why he keeps dropping ex's names and stories almost every day? I do not ask for this info and I do not mention my ex's ever. How can I ask him to stop this without getting the "friendship" speech again?
VictorM's advice:
Sonya, you're just not paying attention. He said you are just friends. As such, you are someone he can vent about his past. And so he seeks your company to do that. Sure, talking about his exes all the time would suck if he was your boyfriend, but he's not! You seem to have just glossed over his wish to be just friends because that's not what you want.
What I can't understand is why you would want more than friendship with a guy who shows you no affection and is "emotionally unavailable". Plus, there must be other problems if every woman cheated on him.
You sound like a robot on a mission and nothing will stop you, not even the most obvious of situations. Face the facts: he's not your boyfriend and he doesn't want to be your boyfriend; he just wants a friend he can vent with. If you're not interested, tell him you do not want to hear about his exes anymore. Be blunt, be direct. You have nothing to lose but a whining, good looking pal you don't want anyway.
I have been dating this guy for a couple of months. By what he tells about his life every woman (no matter how long or serious of a relationship) cheats on him. He is very handsome, a good lover and works hard. I though everything was going well and I was getting very close to him but a couple of weeks ago he told me we are just friends and that I cannot ask for any more. He keeps calling and seeing me every day. What bothers me a lot is that he is not affectionate and keeps talking about his ex's (wife, gf's, lovers, etc.) all the time even though he told me: "asking about ex's was not good".
Why is he always looking for my company when apparently he is emotionally unavailable? Why he keeps dropping ex's names and stories almost every day? I do not ask for this info and I do not mention my ex's ever. How can I ask him to stop this without getting the "friendship" speech again?
VictorM's advice:
Sonya, you're just not paying attention. He said you are just friends. As such, you are someone he can vent about his past. And so he seeks your company to do that. Sure, talking about his exes all the time would suck if he was your boyfriend, but he's not! You seem to have just glossed over his wish to be just friends because that's not what you want.
What I can't understand is why you would want more than friendship with a guy who shows you no affection and is "emotionally unavailable". Plus, there must be other problems if every woman cheated on him.
You sound like a robot on a mission and nothing will stop you, not even the most obvious of situations. Face the facts: he's not your boyfriend and he doesn't want to be your boyfriend; he just wants a friend he can vent with. If you're not interested, tell him you do not want to hear about his exes anymore. Be blunt, be direct. You have nothing to lose but a whining, good looking pal you don't want anyway.
Four dates and no relationship
Debra, 46, from california, asks:
I went on four dates with a guy, one included meeting all his employees at a dinner. He then informs me he is not interested in a relationship. Would I be setting myself for hurt if I continue to be his friend?
VictorM's advice:
Keep in mind that what he meant was that he's not interested in a relationship WITH YOU. So chances are he will continue to look and that means dates with other women.
People talk about just being friends and going to movies or dinner, but that only works when both parties feel the same way. If either one of you is looking for a relationship, the friendship isn't likely to go anywhere. Just keep that in mind.
So, if all you want is friendship, sure, you can try be his friend if you're OK with that, but chances are that he won't have much time for you. If, on the other hand, what you want is a relationship, you're better off spending your time and energy on a new guy.
I went on four dates with a guy, one included meeting all his employees at a dinner. He then informs me he is not interested in a relationship. Would I be setting myself for hurt if I continue to be his friend?
VictorM's advice:
Keep in mind that what he meant was that he's not interested in a relationship WITH YOU. So chances are he will continue to look and that means dates with other women.
People talk about just being friends and going to movies or dinner, but that only works when both parties feel the same way. If either one of you is looking for a relationship, the friendship isn't likely to go anywhere. Just keep that in mind.
So, if all you want is friendship, sure, you can try be his friend if you're OK with that, but chances are that he won't have much time for you. If, on the other hand, what you want is a relationship, you're better off spending your time and energy on a new guy.
After that night he hasn't been the same
mellissa, 15, from vancouver, asks:
So this guy started talking to me, got my number from my friend, started texting me and even called me a few times (invite to hang out). At first I was soo annoyed and showed no interest. But after a while I start being nicer to him and one nite his friend that's a girl talks to him right in front of me saying ''why did you bring her here and what about this Jenn? (that girl's her friend) I have nothing against her (as in me) but I like Jenn better.'' And the guy was like "not now, what are you talking about?" and just denies it. Pretty much ever since that night he hasn't been the same. I started the convos and texts and he replies but just soo casual. He did start one but it still wasn't as flirty, it was just soo ''friend like''. The friend that gave him my number told him that I only wanted to be his friend (because I told him to) but it's weird how he decides to give up THAT night ever since that girl talked to him.
By the way, after texting for a while I started liking him... and now I think he doesn't like me anymore. What should I do? Should I still talk to him?? Or wait till he starts something again?
VictorM's advice:
Seems like we have a combination of things: he got caught with his pants down about this Jenn; his friend said she prefers Jenn so now he's dealing with peer pressure; and you let him know, via your friend, that you only wanted to be friends. Combine all of this and the guy cools off and lowers his display of interest in you.
You have nothing to lose by continuing to be his friend. He was interested in you before so chances are he still is. Maybe he's still a little embarrassed by that incident that night. Maybe he's seeing that Jenn. It's up to you to find out what's going on and to motive him to chase you, if that's what you still want.
So this guy started talking to me, got my number from my friend, started texting me and even called me a few times (invite to hang out). At first I was soo annoyed and showed no interest. But after a while I start being nicer to him and one nite his friend that's a girl talks to him right in front of me saying ''why did you bring her here and what about this Jenn? (that girl's her friend) I have nothing against her (as in me) but I like Jenn better.'' And the guy was like "not now, what are you talking about?" and just denies it. Pretty much ever since that night he hasn't been the same. I started the convos and texts and he replies but just soo casual. He did start one but it still wasn't as flirty, it was just soo ''friend like''. The friend that gave him my number told him that I only wanted to be his friend (because I told him to) but it's weird how he decides to give up THAT night ever since that girl talked to him.
By the way, after texting for a while I started liking him... and now I think he doesn't like me anymore. What should I do? Should I still talk to him?? Or wait till he starts something again?
VictorM's advice:
Seems like we have a combination of things: he got caught with his pants down about this Jenn; his friend said she prefers Jenn so now he's dealing with peer pressure; and you let him know, via your friend, that you only wanted to be friends. Combine all of this and the guy cools off and lowers his display of interest in you.
You have nothing to lose by continuing to be his friend. He was interested in you before so chances are he still is. Maybe he's still a little embarrassed by that incident that night. Maybe he's seeing that Jenn. It's up to you to find out what's going on and to motive him to chase you, if that's what you still want.
He says he still cares
della, 31, from south dakota, asks:
A guy I broke it off with but remained friends told me "I still care". I'm not quite sure what he means as he doesn't communicate very well. We had been dating for 2.5 years when we moved in together, we lived together for another year. Everything seemed wonderful. It seemed like we were the perfect match. I know he has been hurt before and was afraid of commitment but I never saw what happended comming. That was until I had found out shortly after we started living together that his ex-girlfriend and him had rekindled their relationship. I was devastated and told him to stop contacting her or lose me. He didn't so I moved out. I have two children whom think of him as their Dad so we kept in contact. I know he is not seeing her now as when I went to a wedding he seen me while he was with her. I went up to them and wished them "Best Wishes" and walked away. It hurt so much to do that. Later that night he left a message on my phone telling me I got the wrong impression. That was over 3 months ago. Since then I have been keeping myself very distant. He called me for support last weekend and I care so I tried to give him support because we've been thru so much in our seperate personal lives. He thanked me for that support and then other night he kissed me. I liked it but emotionally it really upset me. Being honest, I asked him why he did it. He said because he wanted to and it felt right. I told him it bothered me, because I don't kiss my friends. I turned to go and he stopped me and told me "I don't say this very often" then there was a long pause and he said "I still care". I also told him that I'm scared that same thing may happen again and I'm not sure I can handle the hurt all over again. He told me I wasn't the only person who got hurt and lost things when that happended. He told me not to worry. What am I not suppose to worry about? And what does "I care still mean" in this situation. I've lost so much in the last 3 years that I don't know if I can handle any more loss but I don't want to not try if there is something worth saving. From a guys perspective tell me what he wants from me, I don't understand or is he just using me, does he just want to be friends or something more?
VictorM's advice:
I still care, I love you but I'm not in love with you, it's not you it's me, you're too good for me, you deserve better, I'll always be your friend... these are all the same bullshit. They all mean that the guy isn't into you anymore. It's that simple. He doesn't hate you, he doesn't want you to fail, he wants you to be happy, but he's not willing to be your partner anymore.
Guys will say all those things because they hate to be thought of as the "bad guy". They seldom will look you in the face and say "I don't love you anymore". But "I still care" means exactly that -- he doesn't love you anymore. Kissing you and telling you "don't worry" are a guy's way of trying to prevent hurting you. He's not using you, he doesn't want to be friends, he simply wants to let you down easy! Yes, I know, that's not working out that way but that's his intention.
The sooner your kids know he's not Daddy, and the sooner you cut him away from your life, the better you're going to be. Anything else is just prolonging the agony.
A guy I broke it off with but remained friends told me "I still care". I'm not quite sure what he means as he doesn't communicate very well. We had been dating for 2.5 years when we moved in together, we lived together for another year. Everything seemed wonderful. It seemed like we were the perfect match. I know he has been hurt before and was afraid of commitment but I never saw what happended comming. That was until I had found out shortly after we started living together that his ex-girlfriend and him had rekindled their relationship. I was devastated and told him to stop contacting her or lose me. He didn't so I moved out. I have two children whom think of him as their Dad so we kept in contact. I know he is not seeing her now as when I went to a wedding he seen me while he was with her. I went up to them and wished them "Best Wishes" and walked away. It hurt so much to do that. Later that night he left a message on my phone telling me I got the wrong impression. That was over 3 months ago. Since then I have been keeping myself very distant. He called me for support last weekend and I care so I tried to give him support because we've been thru so much in our seperate personal lives. He thanked me for that support and then other night he kissed me. I liked it but emotionally it really upset me. Being honest, I asked him why he did it. He said because he wanted to and it felt right. I told him it bothered me, because I don't kiss my friends. I turned to go and he stopped me and told me "I don't say this very often" then there was a long pause and he said "I still care". I also told him that I'm scared that same thing may happen again and I'm not sure I can handle the hurt all over again. He told me I wasn't the only person who got hurt and lost things when that happended. He told me not to worry. What am I not suppose to worry about? And what does "I care still mean" in this situation. I've lost so much in the last 3 years that I don't know if I can handle any more loss but I don't want to not try if there is something worth saving. From a guys perspective tell me what he wants from me, I don't understand or is he just using me, does he just want to be friends or something more?
VictorM's advice:
I still care, I love you but I'm not in love with you, it's not you it's me, you're too good for me, you deserve better, I'll always be your friend... these are all the same bullshit. They all mean that the guy isn't into you anymore. It's that simple. He doesn't hate you, he doesn't want you to fail, he wants you to be happy, but he's not willing to be your partner anymore.
Guys will say all those things because they hate to be thought of as the "bad guy". They seldom will look you in the face and say "I don't love you anymore". But "I still care" means exactly that -- he doesn't love you anymore. Kissing you and telling you "don't worry" are a guy's way of trying to prevent hurting you. He's not using you, he doesn't want to be friends, he simply wants to let you down easy! Yes, I know, that's not working out that way but that's his intention.
The sooner your kids know he's not Daddy, and the sooner you cut him away from your life, the better you're going to be. Anything else is just prolonging the agony.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Pissed off forever
christine, 21, from canada, asks:
Wat does it mean when a guy emails you saying: "So, you going to be pissed off at me forever?", after he screwed up something really important to me the night before.
VictorM's advice:
It means he's sorry but he's too much of a dick to say so.
Wat does it mean when a guy emails you saying: "So, you going to be pissed off at me forever?", after he screwed up something really important to me the night before.
VictorM's advice:
It means he's sorry but he's too much of a dick to say so.
She recently had a crush on him
amanda, 20, from canada, asks:
I knew a guy for a while but I just recently had a crush on him. I found out he just got out of a 2 year relationship. The thing is we started talking and he seemed to be interested too. But then he tells me that one of his friends has a thing for me. As soon as he said that to me I thought that there was no way he had feelings but the next day he asked me to the movies.. for the next week or 2 after that, he was calling me constantly, after work and at night but then one day we went on a day trip. We spent the whole day together and we had a blast. We both had a lot of fun. But I felt that after that day he has been a little distant. At first he called every night if I didn't call.. but now he skips a day or two, than calls. And he doesn't ask to chill anymore. We hardly see each other. He's never been mean or said anything bad but I don't know what to do. Is he interested? The thing is.. I'm not naggy or obsessive. So he knows he could easily stop talking to me anytime and I would not chase after him. So why does he end up calling after a few days? I just need a guys opinion.
VictorM's advice:
Your description sounds very typical. An initial flurry of attention and activity followed by a pull back. Truthfully, it's virtually impossible to have the kind of energy required to continue that constant contact shown initially. It is the initial level of contact is what is out of the norm; his current contact seems more natural. Basically, he has made the impression on you he wanted. Now he can pull back and pay some attention to you while continuing with other aspects of his life.
It could also be that after his break-up, he's testing the waters with more than one girl. After all, when you go shopping for clothing you try more than one piece, don't you? He may be doing the same thing. He may be checking out other appealing girls to see which one if the better fit.
Of course, it could also be that he's lost interest in you. People don't have to have a rotten time with another, or hate them, to lose romantic interest in them. Sometimes that realization comes over time, or a guy may feel like something is missing but want to wait a little longer to make sure it's not just a passing feeling.
One last thing. It doesn't matter what YOU think about being naggy because it is a very subjective thing. While one guy may think you are just attentive, another may think you're a nag.
I knew a guy for a while but I just recently had a crush on him. I found out he just got out of a 2 year relationship. The thing is we started talking and he seemed to be interested too. But then he tells me that one of his friends has a thing for me. As soon as he said that to me I thought that there was no way he had feelings but the next day he asked me to the movies.. for the next week or 2 after that, he was calling me constantly, after work and at night but then one day we went on a day trip. We spent the whole day together and we had a blast. We both had a lot of fun. But I felt that after that day he has been a little distant. At first he called every night if I didn't call.. but now he skips a day or two, than calls. And he doesn't ask to chill anymore. We hardly see each other. He's never been mean or said anything bad but I don't know what to do. Is he interested? The thing is.. I'm not naggy or obsessive. So he knows he could easily stop talking to me anytime and I would not chase after him. So why does he end up calling after a few days? I just need a guys opinion.
VictorM's advice:
Your description sounds very typical. An initial flurry of attention and activity followed by a pull back. Truthfully, it's virtually impossible to have the kind of energy required to continue that constant contact shown initially. It is the initial level of contact is what is out of the norm; his current contact seems more natural. Basically, he has made the impression on you he wanted. Now he can pull back and pay some attention to you while continuing with other aspects of his life.
It could also be that after his break-up, he's testing the waters with more than one girl. After all, when you go shopping for clothing you try more than one piece, don't you? He may be doing the same thing. He may be checking out other appealing girls to see which one if the better fit.
Of course, it could also be that he's lost interest in you. People don't have to have a rotten time with another, or hate them, to lose romantic interest in them. Sometimes that realization comes over time, or a guy may feel like something is missing but want to wait a little longer to make sure it's not just a passing feeling.
One last thing. It doesn't matter what YOU think about being naggy because it is a very subjective thing. While one guy may think you are just attentive, another may think you're a nag.
She still has feelings of some sort
Lily, 16, from Long Beach, asks:
This confuses me, I've liked this guy since i was in 9th grade and we were cool friends but it was w/e. Then in 10th grade we got a little closer meaning we would hug now, and his friend who he's known since 4th grade kept saying he liked me and all so i got the nerve to ask him if it was true in a letter and his exact words were in a disappointed way"I got a girlfriend but yea" so i solved it myself thinking ok he likes me but he has a girlfriend so case closed right? But then since we both knew we liked each other he gave me more attention than normal but he never made a move. Anyway, when sophomore year ended we didn’t see each other or anything until school started again. We haven’t talked yet and I don’t know if that’s bad. In a way I purposely tried to get away from him when we crossed paths and I regret that now but I still have feelings of some sort I wish I didn’t but I do.
I liked him a lot and kept waiting to see what he would do when he really knew how I felt. I know I should probably forget about him and move on but I don’t know I can’t help but feel like I shouldn’t. What do I do? And what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what "w/e" means. Can you clear that up for me? [Update: My aussie genius friend suggest "w/e" means "whatever".]
Anyway, you shouldn't forget about him because: 1) it's not that easy to do, and 2) because teenage romances in general don't last very long; he has a girlfriend today but he may not have one tomorrow. Don't avoid him. Talk to him. Be friendly, charming, and even flirty, but do not tell him that you like him. I know, you thought that by saying it you would encourage him to go after you, but it doesn't work that way. Read my archives and you'll see it explained a million times why that is.
Just forget everything that happened before. You still like the boy so get back to talking to him instead of avoiding him.
This confuses me, I've liked this guy since i was in 9th grade and we were cool friends but it was w/e. Then in 10th grade we got a little closer meaning we would hug now, and his friend who he's known since 4th grade kept saying he liked me and all so i got the nerve to ask him if it was true in a letter and his exact words were in a disappointed way"I got a girlfriend but yea" so i solved it myself thinking ok he likes me but he has a girlfriend so case closed right? But then since we both knew we liked each other he gave me more attention than normal but he never made a move. Anyway, when sophomore year ended we didn’t see each other or anything until school started again. We haven’t talked yet and I don’t know if that’s bad. In a way I purposely tried to get away from him when we crossed paths and I regret that now but I still have feelings of some sort I wish I didn’t but I do.
I liked him a lot and kept waiting to see what he would do when he really knew how I felt. I know I should probably forget about him and move on but I don’t know I can’t help but feel like I shouldn’t. What do I do? And what does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what "w/e" means. Can you clear that up for me? [Update: My aussie genius friend suggest "w/e" means "whatever".]
Anyway, you shouldn't forget about him because: 1) it's not that easy to do, and 2) because teenage romances in general don't last very long; he has a girlfriend today but he may not have one tomorrow. Don't avoid him. Talk to him. Be friendly, charming, and even flirty, but do not tell him that you like him. I know, you thought that by saying it you would encourage him to go after you, but it doesn't work that way. Read my archives and you'll see it explained a million times why that is.
Just forget everything that happened before. You still like the boy so get back to talking to him instead of avoiding him.
They hug whenever they see each other
Alyssa, 16, from Long Beach, asks:
I met this guy last year and ever since we've been good friends (not best friends -- I don't know him that well), but we hug each other whenever we see the other, we flirt a lot but being that I don't know him that well, how can I tell if what he's doing means he likes me or he's like that with every girl? Basically, how can you tell the difference between being friendly and more than friendly?
VictorM's advice:
Are you hugging because you like him or because you're being friendly? Chances are that he's wondering the same thing. My guess is that you hug and flirt with him because you feel some attraction to him but unless you get to know him a little more you can't be sure just how much you like him. I bet he's thinking the same thing.
You can't know for sure if he likes you enough just by the hugs and flirting. Notice that the key word is "enough", cause there's no doubt he likes you. But does he like you as someone more than just a friend? That's hard to know. But you have the right idea. Is he like that with other girls or not? That's what you need to find out.
Also, you have to be careful because in guy world, there's more than just "friendly" and "more than friendly". There's also, "you have a nice body and I want some of it".
I met this guy last year and ever since we've been good friends (not best friends -- I don't know him that well), but we hug each other whenever we see the other, we flirt a lot but being that I don't know him that well, how can I tell if what he's doing means he likes me or he's like that with every girl? Basically, how can you tell the difference between being friendly and more than friendly?
VictorM's advice:
Are you hugging because you like him or because you're being friendly? Chances are that he's wondering the same thing. My guess is that you hug and flirt with him because you feel some attraction to him but unless you get to know him a little more you can't be sure just how much you like him. I bet he's thinking the same thing.
You can't know for sure if he likes you enough just by the hugs and flirting. Notice that the key word is "enough", cause there's no doubt he likes you. But does he like you as someone more than just a friend? That's hard to know. But you have the right idea. Is he like that with other girls or not? That's what you need to find out.
Also, you have to be careful because in guy world, there's more than just "friendly" and "more than friendly". There's also, "you have a nice body and I want some of it".
He ignores her for a few weeks
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
In reference to your last email, my ex is still wanting to meet up with me, he sees me, ignores me for a few weeks, sees me then ignores me again. I take it he's just using me? Pretty obvious I guess but after 2 years you wouldn't think so, I just though he was going through a bad patch as he's been depressed after the breakup and threatened suicide. I'm so confused.
VictorM's advice:
Let me clear up the confusion. You know when a person wants to quit smoking, does so for a few days or weeks then has a relapse and has a smoke, then quits again for a few more days, and has another cigarette? Well, after each time he smokes he feels terrible that he smokes and promises to himself not to do it again. The whole time, the point is to stop smoking, but the habit sometimes wins out. You're your ex's cigarette. That's all. He doesn't meet up with you because he wants you back; he does it because he wants to break the habit but his weakness wins out sometimes.
Stop trying to be his mom. If he commits suicide, that's his problem, not yours. His depression is his problem, not yours. You just use them as excuses to see him. You know there's nothing you can do it about them. He's your cigarette too.
Quit him for good! It's the best way to help him, and to help yourself.
In reference to your last email, my ex is still wanting to meet up with me, he sees me, ignores me for a few weeks, sees me then ignores me again. I take it he's just using me? Pretty obvious I guess but after 2 years you wouldn't think so, I just though he was going through a bad patch as he's been depressed after the breakup and threatened suicide. I'm so confused.
VictorM's advice:
Let me clear up the confusion. You know when a person wants to quit smoking, does so for a few days or weeks then has a relapse and has a smoke, then quits again for a few more days, and has another cigarette? Well, after each time he smokes he feels terrible that he smokes and promises to himself not to do it again. The whole time, the point is to stop smoking, but the habit sometimes wins out. You're your ex's cigarette. That's all. He doesn't meet up with you because he wants you back; he does it because he wants to break the habit but his weakness wins out sometimes.
Stop trying to be his mom. If he commits suicide, that's his problem, not yours. His depression is his problem, not yours. You just use them as excuses to see him. You know there's nothing you can do it about them. He's your cigarette too.
Quit him for good! It's the best way to help him, and to help yourself.
She's helping him make another girl say yes
Mila, 13, from New Zealand, asks:
Hello,
There is this boy I really like in my class. He asked one of my friends out and I am helping him make the girl say yes because it means I can talk on messenger with him all the time. He knows I like him because I told him. Him and I are really good friends but I really want to go out with him. What do I do?
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Keep talking to him but stop telling him you like him. Once a boy knows you like him he gets all cocky and thinks he can conquer the world, well, or at least a bunch of other girls. Also, when you talk to him, try to make the conversation more about you and him than about the other girl. Change the subject, like: "hey, did you hear about the new movie with so-ands-so? I can't wait to see it." "Wow, what about the New Zealand team in the women's World Cup?" (OK, don't bring this one up, New Zealand lost all three matches and didn't score a goal). But you know what I mean, try to talk about anything but the girl. Preferably, talk about thinks he likes and knows a lot about. If he feels he can show-off with you, he'll seek you out to talk to you.
Hello,
There is this boy I really like in my class. He asked one of my friends out and I am helping him make the girl say yes because it means I can talk on messenger with him all the time. He knows I like him because I told him. Him and I are really good friends but I really want to go out with him. What do I do?
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Keep talking to him but stop telling him you like him. Once a boy knows you like him he gets all cocky and thinks he can conquer the world, well, or at least a bunch of other girls. Also, when you talk to him, try to make the conversation more about you and him than about the other girl. Change the subject, like: "hey, did you hear about the new movie with so-ands-so? I can't wait to see it." "Wow, what about the New Zealand team in the women's World Cup?" (OK, don't bring this one up, New Zealand lost all three matches and didn't score a goal). But you know what I mean, try to talk about anything but the girl. Preferably, talk about thinks he likes and knows a lot about. If he feels he can show-off with you, he'll seek you out to talk to you.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
How do people get married?
Stephanie, 17, asks:
Well, it's me again. This boy has seen this girl and gotten with her. Okay okay I understand he's not my husband, but then how do people get married? This has happened to me with the last 3 guys I was interested in. They all drop me before they even get to know me. And they seem to like me physically, (and I do not sleep with them on the date). So after the 2nd date, they never call me again!
Now I am making them sound like assholes and you were probably going to say "they don't deserve you anyway" but these guys are actually nice guys (more or less).
I just don't understand why she got his heart, and once again I didn't make it past the second date. My friends have seen me on double dates, and they say I don't do anything wrong..
So maybe you know?
VictorM's answer:
"You don't deserve them" is the type of advice you get from other girls. It's really not helpful, is it?
Your first question suggests part of the problem. If at 17 you're wondering about marriage, chances are that you approach dating too seriously. That scares off boys around your age who are just looking for some fun and to get their feet wet on the dating scene. Also, if you are physically very attractive, there's a good chance the boys flock to you based on lust and when they don't get much physical pleasure, they look elsewhere.
I don't suggest that you sleep with boys when you're not ready to, but I do suggest that you relax and don't think "relationship" so soon once you start dating a guy. Take it more lightly, have more fun, control your impulses to be all into him. To change the "they drop me before they even get to know me" mantra, let them get to know you before you get all lovey-dovey with them. Make yourself less interested at first, a little more scarce, and make them work for you. The more time they spend doing that, the more time they have to get to know you beyond a pretty face and a nice body.
Well, it's me again. This boy has seen this girl and gotten with her. Okay okay I understand he's not my husband, but then how do people get married? This has happened to me with the last 3 guys I was interested in. They all drop me before they even get to know me. And they seem to like me physically, (and I do not sleep with them on the date). So after the 2nd date, they never call me again!
Now I am making them sound like assholes and you were probably going to say "they don't deserve you anyway" but these guys are actually nice guys (more or less).
I just don't understand why she got his heart, and once again I didn't make it past the second date. My friends have seen me on double dates, and they say I don't do anything wrong..
So maybe you know?
VictorM's answer:
"You don't deserve them" is the type of advice you get from other girls. It's really not helpful, is it?
Your first question suggests part of the problem. If at 17 you're wondering about marriage, chances are that you approach dating too seriously. That scares off boys around your age who are just looking for some fun and to get their feet wet on the dating scene. Also, if you are physically very attractive, there's a good chance the boys flock to you based on lust and when they don't get much physical pleasure, they look elsewhere.
I don't suggest that you sleep with boys when you're not ready to, but I do suggest that you relax and don't think "relationship" so soon once you start dating a guy. Take it more lightly, have more fun, control your impulses to be all into him. To change the "they drop me before they even get to know me" mantra, let them get to know you before you get all lovey-dovey with them. Make yourself less interested at first, a little more scarce, and make them work for you. The more time they spend doing that, the more time they have to get to know you beyond a pretty face and a nice body.
He suddenly stopped calling
Jennifer, 29, from Florida, asks:
This guy I have been seeing for about a month has suddenly stopped calling, but will text me instead. When he was calling, he would say "I'll call you tomorrow", but instead I would get a text. He will text that he can't wait to see me, but he never calls to make plans. So I stopped texting him to see what would happen, and he still didn't call. 3 days later I get another text just saying hello. Is he just stringing me along? Why won't he pick up the phone? I'm pretty sure he's seeing someone else, is this his way of keeping me around as backup? Is he afraid that if he talks to me I will press him for answers? If he's lost interest then why doesn't he just let it go, I gave him the chance by not contacting him!
VictorM's advice:
If you're pretty sure he's seeing someone else, and I'll assume you're right, then he's just keeping up a friendship with you. Really, why burn any bridges with you? He probably thinks you're a cool person and has some fondness for you, so there's no reason to disappear. The telephone makes the contact too personal; texting keeps some contact but it's much more impersonal.
If he really is seeing someone else, he's not fully into her yet. When he is, he will stop the texting you as well.
This guy I have been seeing for about a month has suddenly stopped calling, but will text me instead. When he was calling, he would say "I'll call you tomorrow", but instead I would get a text. He will text that he can't wait to see me, but he never calls to make plans. So I stopped texting him to see what would happen, and he still didn't call. 3 days later I get another text just saying hello. Is he just stringing me along? Why won't he pick up the phone? I'm pretty sure he's seeing someone else, is this his way of keeping me around as backup? Is he afraid that if he talks to me I will press him for answers? If he's lost interest then why doesn't he just let it go, I gave him the chance by not contacting him!
VictorM's advice:
If you're pretty sure he's seeing someone else, and I'll assume you're right, then he's just keeping up a friendship with you. Really, why burn any bridges with you? He probably thinks you're a cool person and has some fondness for you, so there's no reason to disappear. The telephone makes the contact too personal; texting keeps some contact but it's much more impersonal.
If he really is seeing someone else, he's not fully into her yet. When he is, he will stop the texting you as well.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
They are both in the military
JRose, 21, from Japan, asks:
Well, to start I met this guy a few weeks ago and we are both military and live about an hour away from each other. He works an extra job as security at a club and at first we were having fun and he'd ask me to hang out with him at his second job. I don't believe I did anything wrong while there since I never got drunk since I had to drive home and I never flirted with any guys. One night he told me he liked me and I told him that I also liked him and had a lot of fun hanging out with him. But since then it seems like he's been pushing me away by not wanting to hang out as often and just been distant when we do hang out. I don't know if it's because I've been hanging out with him too much and he's getting bored with me or if he thinks I'm like every other military chick and just going to use him, which isn't the case, or if he's just afraid that if we did go out I'd hurt him. Any opinions would be appreciated..thanks
VictorM's advice:
"Military chicks" just use guys? I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you. :)
Another case of a guy saying he likes a girl and the girl right away saying she likes him and so... the challenge is over. Before, it was all fun and games, but now, any further action will naturally lead to a relationship. That's not as much fun anymore, specially if you just think of the girl as a fun and games kinda girl.
No, I don't think he's afraid you're going to hurt him. No, I don't think he's afraid you're going to use him (that's actually a silly thing to even think). And no, I don't think he lied to you when he said he liked you. I just think he doesn't like you enough to be in a relationship and after you both confessed you liked each other that is the only natural direction. He doesn't want that; he only wants fun and games.
Well, to start I met this guy a few weeks ago and we are both military and live about an hour away from each other. He works an extra job as security at a club and at first we were having fun and he'd ask me to hang out with him at his second job. I don't believe I did anything wrong while there since I never got drunk since I had to drive home and I never flirted with any guys. One night he told me he liked me and I told him that I also liked him and had a lot of fun hanging out with him. But since then it seems like he's been pushing me away by not wanting to hang out as often and just been distant when we do hang out. I don't know if it's because I've been hanging out with him too much and he's getting bored with me or if he thinks I'm like every other military chick and just going to use him, which isn't the case, or if he's just afraid that if we did go out I'd hurt him. Any opinions would be appreciated..thanks
VictorM's advice:
"Military chicks" just use guys? I'm shocked. Shocked, I tell you. :)
Another case of a guy saying he likes a girl and the girl right away saying she likes him and so... the challenge is over. Before, it was all fun and games, but now, any further action will naturally lead to a relationship. That's not as much fun anymore, specially if you just think of the girl as a fun and games kinda girl.
No, I don't think he's afraid you're going to hurt him. No, I don't think he's afraid you're going to use him (that's actually a silly thing to even think). And no, I don't think he lied to you when he said he liked you. I just think he doesn't like you enough to be in a relationship and after you both confessed you liked each other that is the only natural direction. He doesn't want that; he only wants fun and games.
How to know if he's serious and sincere
Debra, 29, from Los Angeles, asks:
If you know the guy you have been dating has a history of changing dates, how do you know if he is serious and sincere with you? How do you know if he is still a player?
VictorM's advice:
A history of changing dates just means the guy still hasn't found what he's looking for; it doesn't mean he's a player. The mere fact that he moves from date to date means he's serious and sincere, otherwise he'd stick around someone he doesn't care for simply to get something out of them. Your guy is looking for the right girl and until he finds her, he'll keep looking. Makes sense to me.
So a better questions is, how do you know you're the right girl for him? That's a harder question to answer. He won't know himself for a while, and so neither will you. Guys are notorious for taking longer than girls to get serious about a relationship. But you will know how he stands because if you're not the one, he'll move on from you. The longer he sticks around, the higher the odds are that you're the one. Meanwhile, just be yourself, enjoy his company, and give him some time to get to know you better.
If you know the guy you have been dating has a history of changing dates, how do you know if he is serious and sincere with you? How do you know if he is still a player?
VictorM's advice:
A history of changing dates just means the guy still hasn't found what he's looking for; it doesn't mean he's a player. The mere fact that he moves from date to date means he's serious and sincere, otherwise he'd stick around someone he doesn't care for simply to get something out of them. Your guy is looking for the right girl and until he finds her, he'll keep looking. Makes sense to me.
So a better questions is, how do you know you're the right girl for him? That's a harder question to answer. He won't know himself for a while, and so neither will you. Guys are notorious for taking longer than girls to get serious about a relationship. But you will know how he stands because if you're not the one, he'll move on from you. The longer he sticks around, the higher the odds are that you're the one. Meanwhile, just be yourself, enjoy his company, and give him some time to get to know you better.
After 4 years, he's unsure of his feelings
Marta, 27, from Spain, asks:
Hello Victor,
I've been with my boyfriend (30 y.o) for 4 years now: 3 were absolutely great, and this last one - plain weird. As we celebrated our 3rd year together, I started to talk about getting married and he was visibly uncomfortable with the idea, so we dropped the topic for the moment. We never spoke about moving in together (his parents spend a lot of time outside town so he said we don't need to). In May he started acting strange, told me he was unsure about his feelings and we sort of slipped into a pattern of seeing each other as friends, kissing on the cheek & so on. We're drifting farther and farther apart, I tried to ask him a few times what's up and he said he's not seeing anyone, just having a bad time. He doesn't know why. He's very busy with a huge project at work that stresses him a lot. He's now a totally different guy: has lost a lot of weight, is sadder, depressive, has started smoking and always seems to be very sad, as if he's carrying a burden. Today he told me he doesn't feel this will work out, but he loves me and respects me and we'll always be best friends. I couldn't cry, but he cried all the time. I felt this coming, but I really want us to build our relationship, rather than leave it to rot.
What causes men to act like this?
VictorM's advice:
"but I really want us to build our relationship" Marta, you are not getting the obvious clue. Your relationship is OVER! He's over you. Has been for a long while. Only social pressure keeps him from being more blunt about it. It is the burden of your expectations and is sympathy (not love!) for you that is keeping him in a bad place. He simply is not into you anymore.
People fall our of love in much the same way people fall in love -- there is no rhyme or reason for it, it just happens. It can happen at any time to anyone, male or female. Your guy recognizes you're a fine woman. He probably has tried to force himself to like you, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and his heart just doesn't want you anymore. Once that magic is gone, it can be very sad, particularly if you're fond of that person as he seems to be fond of you.
Do you like him enough to want him to be well and happy again? If so, let him go. Tell him you are releasing him for his own good. Break if off with him, wish him happiness, and look for it for yourself elsewhere.
Hello Victor,
I've been with my boyfriend (30 y.o) for 4 years now: 3 were absolutely great, and this last one - plain weird. As we celebrated our 3rd year together, I started to talk about getting married and he was visibly uncomfortable with the idea, so we dropped the topic for the moment. We never spoke about moving in together (his parents spend a lot of time outside town so he said we don't need to). In May he started acting strange, told me he was unsure about his feelings and we sort of slipped into a pattern of seeing each other as friends, kissing on the cheek & so on. We're drifting farther and farther apart, I tried to ask him a few times what's up and he said he's not seeing anyone, just having a bad time. He doesn't know why. He's very busy with a huge project at work that stresses him a lot. He's now a totally different guy: has lost a lot of weight, is sadder, depressive, has started smoking and always seems to be very sad, as if he's carrying a burden. Today he told me he doesn't feel this will work out, but he loves me and respects me and we'll always be best friends. I couldn't cry, but he cried all the time. I felt this coming, but I really want us to build our relationship, rather than leave it to rot.
What causes men to act like this?
VictorM's advice:
"but I really want us to build our relationship" Marta, you are not getting the obvious clue. Your relationship is OVER! He's over you. Has been for a long while. Only social pressure keeps him from being more blunt about it. It is the burden of your expectations and is sympathy (not love!) for you that is keeping him in a bad place. He simply is not into you anymore.
People fall our of love in much the same way people fall in love -- there is no rhyme or reason for it, it just happens. It can happen at any time to anyone, male or female. Your guy recognizes you're a fine woman. He probably has tried to force himself to like you, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and his heart just doesn't want you anymore. Once that magic is gone, it can be very sad, particularly if you're fond of that person as he seems to be fond of you.
Do you like him enough to want him to be well and happy again? If so, let him go. Tell him you are releasing him for his own good. Break if off with him, wish him happiness, and look for it for yourself elsewhere.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
She really wants to go to Boston
Jeanea, 31, from Michigan, asks:
Thank you VictorM for your criticism. It suddenly wake me up that I was silly to act as before.
Actually when I rejected him to the social event the second time, by saying that "we were not in a relationship, if i go it will be very weird as I am not your girlfriend." I meant that it will be better if we are in a relationship so it will not be weird if we go to the social event.
Maybe those words caused misunderstanding and that was the reason why he became cold toward me.
What can I do now so that he can give me another chance to explain to him? I really want to go to Boston to see him as I still like him. Maybe he will reject me again if I ask him to meet up. Help me please. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
Thanks for clarifying about the wedding invitations. I certainly took it the wrong way, sounds like he did too. We guys are simple creatures. You talk in code and we get lost.
So now you're in Michigan and he's in Boston. What makes you think he's interested in a long distance relationship? What makes you think he's not dating someone already?
Either way, I still think he has written you off and all that keeps him in contact with you are his social manners. He's likely to be "busy" again if you just contact him to meet up. You could try that, and if he agrees, you can then explain in person what you meant about the weddings. But if his reply is that he's busy, you should take the time to explain what you meant, that you like him, and that you're still very much interested in getting to know him better. Don't say that you want a relationship. His ego demands to know that you're interested in him but "relationship" sounds too pushy. Don't give up if he brushes you off at first. After feeling rejected, the male ego will require that you make the effort.
Good luck. And hey, go to the main Legal Seafood restaurant and try the New England Clam chowder. This way, even if he doesn't respond, your trip to Boston will still be worth it.
Thank you VictorM for your criticism. It suddenly wake me up that I was silly to act as before.
Actually when I rejected him to the social event the second time, by saying that "we were not in a relationship, if i go it will be very weird as I am not your girlfriend." I meant that it will be better if we are in a relationship so it will not be weird if we go to the social event.
Maybe those words caused misunderstanding and that was the reason why he became cold toward me.
What can I do now so that he can give me another chance to explain to him? I really want to go to Boston to see him as I still like him. Maybe he will reject me again if I ask him to meet up. Help me please. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
Thanks for clarifying about the wedding invitations. I certainly took it the wrong way, sounds like he did too. We guys are simple creatures. You talk in code and we get lost.
So now you're in Michigan and he's in Boston. What makes you think he's interested in a long distance relationship? What makes you think he's not dating someone already?
Either way, I still think he has written you off and all that keeps him in contact with you are his social manners. He's likely to be "busy" again if you just contact him to meet up. You could try that, and if he agrees, you can then explain in person what you meant about the weddings. But if his reply is that he's busy, you should take the time to explain what you meant, that you like him, and that you're still very much interested in getting to know him better. Don't say that you want a relationship. His ego demands to know that you're interested in him but "relationship" sounds too pushy. Don't give up if he brushes you off at first. After feeling rejected, the male ego will require that you make the effort.
Good luck. And hey, go to the main Legal Seafood restaurant and try the New England Clam chowder. This way, even if he doesn't respond, your trip to Boston will still be worth it.
A passionate kiss that she can't forget
Meranda, 25, from florida, asks:
I am a law student and I met a 34 year old attorney in a class. We went out for coffee and ever since have been having lunch dates. He is always smiling, telling jokes and introducing me to his friends and family, who have approved of me. We had one night that ended with a passionate kiss that to this day he or I can’t forget. Since then, he has told me that he likes me a lot, but also said he isn’t looking for anything serious. So, I haven't reciprocated on my feelings and have started dating other people. He is now telling me about the other females he met and specifically about one he could get serious about. This makes me wonder if he ever really liked me but he still calls or text me at least once a week. Just today he met me at the library and we went to dinner, where he asked to met my parents. I am confused. I do like him but I am worried about getting hurt. He is aware that I just recently got divorced and I wonder if he is just trying to take advantage.
VictorM's advice:
Oh boy... I'll bite my tongue and spare you the lawyer jokes.
I don't see how he's taking advantage of you. It seems to me that he likes you but either because of the age difference or because of your recent divorced, he's simply not looking at you as serious relationship material. He enjoys your company, thinks fondly of you, is interested in your life and your family, may be willing to have sex with you (hey, he's a guy!) but... "he isn’t looking for anything serious", meaning, with you.
You're a law student, read the fine print.
By the way, do you believe your kiss was more passionate than Wesley and Buttercup's? Inconceivable!
I am a law student and I met a 34 year old attorney in a class. We went out for coffee and ever since have been having lunch dates. He is always smiling, telling jokes and introducing me to his friends and family, who have approved of me. We had one night that ended with a passionate kiss that to this day he or I can’t forget. Since then, he has told me that he likes me a lot, but also said he isn’t looking for anything serious. So, I haven't reciprocated on my feelings and have started dating other people. He is now telling me about the other females he met and specifically about one he could get serious about. This makes me wonder if he ever really liked me but he still calls or text me at least once a week. Just today he met me at the library and we went to dinner, where he asked to met my parents. I am confused. I do like him but I am worried about getting hurt. He is aware that I just recently got divorced and I wonder if he is just trying to take advantage.
VictorM's advice:
Oh boy... I'll bite my tongue and spare you the lawyer jokes.
I don't see how he's taking advantage of you. It seems to me that he likes you but either because of the age difference or because of your recent divorced, he's simply not looking at you as serious relationship material. He enjoys your company, thinks fondly of you, is interested in your life and your family, may be willing to have sex with you (hey, he's a guy!) but... "he isn’t looking for anything serious", meaning, with you.
You're a law student, read the fine print.
By the way, do you believe your kiss was more passionate than Wesley and Buttercup's? Inconceivable!
Her boyfriend has problems with trust
Eve, 27, asks:
My serious boyfriend has problems with trust, we've been working on building trust in our relationship. I am a very upright kind of girl and would never do anything shady. Last night he called me and asked me some random question about something I had posted on a website (it was a local women's athletic club, nothing questionable)...the thing is, he only found it/knew about it because he had googled my email address! I got mad, because it seems obvious to me that he was spying on me and being suspicious. I told him it was a boundary violation and an invasion of my privacy. He doesn't agree at all. Do you think I'm just overreacting, or was it weird that he did that?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think that googling your email address is an invasion of your privacy because the information is public. But while I think this is a bad example, I know what you mean. His need to look into it, combined with questioning your posting, gives me the picture. I know this type of guy.
I warn you very seriously: a man like him will never be satisfied with your answers. It doesn't matter how upright you are; this is not about you, it's about him. He will always be suspicious, period! Unless he seeks serious professional therapy to get to the bottom of his distrust, he will continue to be this way, you will want to give him fewer reasons for suspicion, and before you know it, you'll be a suffocated prisoner in your own relationship.
If you think that you two can work this out without professional help you are sadly mistaken. If you think you can tweak your behavior and he'll be fine, you are being grossly naive. This is about him. He will always distrust you no matter what you do.
If he's not willing to see a professional counselor, either dump him or get used to being miserable. It is that simple! These are your choices.
My serious boyfriend has problems with trust, we've been working on building trust in our relationship. I am a very upright kind of girl and would never do anything shady. Last night he called me and asked me some random question about something I had posted on a website (it was a local women's athletic club, nothing questionable)...the thing is, he only found it/knew about it because he had googled my email address! I got mad, because it seems obvious to me that he was spying on me and being suspicious. I told him it was a boundary violation and an invasion of my privacy. He doesn't agree at all. Do you think I'm just overreacting, or was it weird that he did that?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think that googling your email address is an invasion of your privacy because the information is public. But while I think this is a bad example, I know what you mean. His need to look into it, combined with questioning your posting, gives me the picture. I know this type of guy.
I warn you very seriously: a man like him will never be satisfied with your answers. It doesn't matter how upright you are; this is not about you, it's about him. He will always be suspicious, period! Unless he seeks serious professional therapy to get to the bottom of his distrust, he will continue to be this way, you will want to give him fewer reasons for suspicion, and before you know it, you'll be a suffocated prisoner in your own relationship.
If you think that you two can work this out without professional help you are sadly mistaken. If you think you can tweak your behavior and he'll be fine, you are being grossly naive. This is about him. He will always distrust you no matter what you do.
If he's not willing to see a professional counselor, either dump him or get used to being miserable. It is that simple! These are your choices.
She can't go to his homecoming
Sarah D., 15, from NY, asks:
Hi again! Thanks for your advice earlier.
I have another question. My boyfriend is in High School, and I am in 8th. As everyone knows, they have homecoming. But I am quite certain that I'm not allowed. What should I do about this? I don't want him to go with another girl... I'm not sure what question to ask about this but what should I say to him about the homecoming dance? Would it be selfish of him to say he wants to bring a date? If that happens, what should I do??
VictorM's advice:
I don't think it would be selfish of him; I think it's selfish of you to not want him to go and have a nice time. It shows immaturity and much insecurity on your part. If you feel your boyfriend can't be with a girl without it meaning something bad, you're going to make both your lives miserable.
But, if you insist on it, you could start by asking him what his plans are for homecoming. Maybe he'll say he plans to ask you, in which case you'll say you doubt you can go (maybe he already knows this), and then you can ask him if he plans to ask anyone else. I would suggest that you be honest and direct. Don't play mind games. Let him know that it would bother you if he went with another girl. Being sincere about your feelings allows him to know exactly what's on your mind without him having to guess.
Hi again! Thanks for your advice earlier.
I have another question. My boyfriend is in High School, and I am in 8th. As everyone knows, they have homecoming. But I am quite certain that I'm not allowed. What should I do about this? I don't want him to go with another girl... I'm not sure what question to ask about this but what should I say to him about the homecoming dance? Would it be selfish of him to say he wants to bring a date? If that happens, what should I do??
VictorM's advice:
I don't think it would be selfish of him; I think it's selfish of you to not want him to go and have a nice time. It shows immaturity and much insecurity on your part. If you feel your boyfriend can't be with a girl without it meaning something bad, you're going to make both your lives miserable.
But, if you insist on it, you could start by asking him what his plans are for homecoming. Maybe he'll say he plans to ask you, in which case you'll say you doubt you can go (maybe he already knows this), and then you can ask him if he plans to ask anyone else. I would suggest that you be honest and direct. Don't play mind games. Let him know that it would bother you if he went with another girl. Being sincere about your feelings allows him to know exactly what's on your mind without him having to guess.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Her bofriend is complicated
Tracy, 15, from Van, asks:
My boyfriend and I go to the same school and we're in the same class every single day! The thing is it feels like it's not going to work out, we barely talk, well actually we never talk in class! We almost broke up once, but we didn't because we talked on the phone, he even told me he was going to dump me, and I had difficult time thinking about if I should dump him. All my girlfriends were telling me to just dump him and that he's a jerk and doesn't treat me right. Someone even asked me if I was still with him because we don't act like a couple. We both told each other that we still love each other, but we just don't talk, he doesn't always call me. I want to be more comfortable with him, and I want him to be comfortable when he's with me but it doesn't look like it. He's complicated. We're not even on base 1 even though we've been going out for at least 3 months!
Please Victor, help me here. I really need some advice what to do. I'm scared that what I try to do we would back off, like if I would try to hold his hand he might be have this what the hell are you doing face. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for the help Vic :)
VictorM's advice:
Hold his hand. Talk to him in class (just not during the class). Call him on the phone. Be a little more active as long as you're doing things that are fun for you. He's either going to like it and respond likewise or he's going to reject it. But I ask you: do you really want to stay the girlfriend of a boy who doesn't even want to hold your hand or talk to you in person? I would think not. So, it's time to find just what kind of boy he is.
My boyfriend and I go to the same school and we're in the same class every single day! The thing is it feels like it's not going to work out, we barely talk, well actually we never talk in class! We almost broke up once, but we didn't because we talked on the phone, he even told me he was going to dump me, and I had difficult time thinking about if I should dump him. All my girlfriends were telling me to just dump him and that he's a jerk and doesn't treat me right. Someone even asked me if I was still with him because we don't act like a couple. We both told each other that we still love each other, but we just don't talk, he doesn't always call me. I want to be more comfortable with him, and I want him to be comfortable when he's with me but it doesn't look like it. He's complicated. We're not even on base 1 even though we've been going out for at least 3 months!
Please Victor, help me here. I really need some advice what to do. I'm scared that what I try to do we would back off, like if I would try to hold his hand he might be have this what the hell are you doing face. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for the help Vic :)
VictorM's advice:
Hold his hand. Talk to him in class (just not during the class). Call him on the phone. Be a little more active as long as you're doing things that are fun for you. He's either going to like it and respond likewise or he's going to reject it. But I ask you: do you really want to stay the girlfriend of a boy who doesn't even want to hold your hand or talk to you in person? I would think not. So, it's time to find just what kind of boy he is.
He was absolutely awful to her last year
Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:
This boy I really don't like (he was absolutely awful to me last year) kept walking around the cafeteria today and he kept walking back and forth behind me, and then he walked right up to my friend who was sitting next to me and just started chatting with her (keep in mind, they are not even aquaintances. She hates him because of what he did to me). He used to do the same thing last year. I'd be sitting with a group of friends and he'd come up to one of my friends who I was sitting next to and would talk to her, and right before that, he would walk past us a couple times. It wasn't always the same person; it varied. He'd just chat it up with whoever was sitting next to me, but he wouldn't talk to me. It always confused me. And then he did it today. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means he's madly in love with you Kate. He wants to swim the widest ocean and climb the tallest mountain just to be with you but, he's a wacky 13 year old boy and he's a dork who doesn't quite know how to go about it. Maybe he's too shy to talk to you. Maybe he's afraid of you. Maybe he fears rejection.
Well... then again, maybe he's just a nut case teenager.
This boy I really don't like (he was absolutely awful to me last year) kept walking around the cafeteria today and he kept walking back and forth behind me, and then he walked right up to my friend who was sitting next to me and just started chatting with her (keep in mind, they are not even aquaintances. She hates him because of what he did to me). He used to do the same thing last year. I'd be sitting with a group of friends and he'd come up to one of my friends who I was sitting next to and would talk to her, and right before that, he would walk past us a couple times. It wasn't always the same person; it varied. He'd just chat it up with whoever was sitting next to me, but he wouldn't talk to me. It always confused me. And then he did it today. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means he's madly in love with you Kate. He wants to swim the widest ocean and climb the tallest mountain just to be with you but, he's a wacky 13 year old boy and he's a dork who doesn't quite know how to go about it. Maybe he's too shy to talk to you. Maybe he's afraid of you. Maybe he fears rejection.
Well... then again, maybe he's just a nut case teenager.
He invited her to his homecoming, then asked another girl
sara, 15, from portland, asks:
I really like this guy that I met this summer at camp. He is two years older than me and lives 4 hours away. I wasn't going to give him my number or anything and just forget about it but after basically a whole week of flirting he gave me his email. We emailed back and forth basically everyday. I gave him my number and he called me and everything was going great. He felt comfortable talking to me and he made me happy. Eventually after like two months of constant emailing and phone calls I went with a friend to go see him and also another friend of ours. It was the best time of my life. We hung out and just did random things. We didn't kiss or anything like that but it was a great time anyway. The next day I got a voicemail from him and he was seeing if we got home ok and i thought it was really cute and called him back and talked for a while. Next thing I know he asked me to his homecoming and I said yes of course. But then the next email i received from him he said that he was maybe going to go with another girl and I was crushed. I told him it was fine and I was OK with it, but I really wasn't. Now I am just not really sure what to do. He said he is going to come and see me and we can hang out but I am not sure what to think anymore.
VictorM's advice:
Why did you tell him you are OK with him asking another girl if you really are not?
It's possible that he felt that asking you to drive 4 hours was an imposition. Maybe he just felt that going with his friends makes more sense. Either way, I think you should tell him that you were happy to go to the homecoming and that it really bothers you that he's asking another girl. You don't have to yell or be mean, but you should tell him how you really feel.
How he reacts will tell you a lot about him and how he really feels about you.
I really like this guy that I met this summer at camp. He is two years older than me and lives 4 hours away. I wasn't going to give him my number or anything and just forget about it but after basically a whole week of flirting he gave me his email. We emailed back and forth basically everyday. I gave him my number and he called me and everything was going great. He felt comfortable talking to me and he made me happy. Eventually after like two months of constant emailing and phone calls I went with a friend to go see him and also another friend of ours. It was the best time of my life. We hung out and just did random things. We didn't kiss or anything like that but it was a great time anyway. The next day I got a voicemail from him and he was seeing if we got home ok and i thought it was really cute and called him back and talked for a while. Next thing I know he asked me to his homecoming and I said yes of course. But then the next email i received from him he said that he was maybe going to go with another girl and I was crushed. I told him it was fine and I was OK with it, but I really wasn't. Now I am just not really sure what to do. He said he is going to come and see me and we can hang out but I am not sure what to think anymore.
VictorM's advice:
Why did you tell him you are OK with him asking another girl if you really are not?
It's possible that he felt that asking you to drive 4 hours was an imposition. Maybe he just felt that going with his friends makes more sense. Either way, I think you should tell him that you were happy to go to the homecoming and that it really bothers you that he's asking another girl. You don't have to yell or be mean, but you should tell him how you really feel.
How he reacts will tell you a lot about him and how he really feels about you.
She wants to be enlightened
Stephanie, 17, asks:
I KNEW IT! Just as I have suspected. It's like I have radar. Victor, I wrote you on how I cannot trust guys, and I found another reason why.
I went out with the guy I was telling you about before, Friday and Saturday night, all we did was kiss. He promised to call me the next day and didn't. The following day he IMed me on aol, the day after that (Tuesday) he made plans with me for Thursday. Wednesday he talked to me again, telling me he has to go away for the weekend including Thursday. Apparently I went on his myspace and he is overly flirting with some girl he never met, saying he can't wait to see her and he'll mend her broken heart. He put her first on his top friends and me? Well I am 16th...
I KNEW IT! Just as I have suspected. It's like I have radar. Victor, I wrote you on how I cannot trust guys, and I found another reason why.
I went out with the guy I was telling you about before, Friday and Saturday night, all we did was kiss. He promised to call me the next day and didn't. The following day he IMed me on aol, the day after that (Tuesday) he made plans with me for Thursday. Wednesday he talked to me again, telling me he has to go away for the weekend including Thursday. Apparently I went on his myspace and he is overly flirting with some girl he never met, saying he can't wait to see her and he'll mend her broken heart. He put her first on his top friends and me? Well I am 16th...
PLEASE, PLEASE enlighten me.
VictorM's advice:
He's not married to you, he's not engaged to you, he's not even your boyfriend. He's a teenager in the midst of exploring his sexuality. He's going to be attracted to many girls at once until one of them grabs his heart. So, yeah, he'll make plans to see you, he'll kiss you if you let him (it takes two to kiss) and all the while he'll flirt with other girls as well. And why not? He's not committed to you.
If you think that going out and kissing makes you a couple, this is not a matter of trust; it's a matter of you living in a fantasy world.
VictorM's advice:
He's not married to you, he's not engaged to you, he's not even your boyfriend. He's a teenager in the midst of exploring his sexuality. He's going to be attracted to many girls at once until one of them grabs his heart. So, yeah, he'll make plans to see you, he'll kiss you if you let him (it takes two to kiss) and all the while he'll flirt with other girls as well. And why not? He's not committed to you.
If you think that going out and kissing makes you a couple, this is not a matter of trust; it's a matter of you living in a fantasy world.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
She didn't hug him
Jeanea, 31, from Michigan, asks:
I have known a guy since November 2004 during my trip to Michigan through a friend. He texted me everyday. As he stayed in Michigan and I was in New York, we could not see each other but only communicate through sms or he will call me once a week. On Dec 31 2004 he came to New York to celebrate New Year with me. He expressed how he liked me. I was not sure at that time as we were on a long distance relationship. One month later, he came to New York again to ask me if I am ready for a relationship. I told him that I was planning to move to Michigan in 2 months. Maybe that time, we can talk about it again. He told me that if I am ever ready for the relationship, just hug him.
When I moved to Michigan, we were still contacting each other. We were not in a relationship yet as I have not hugged him but every day we sms each other and every weekend we hang out together. In April 2005, he asked me to go to a wedding party with him. I rejected him. He was OK and still very nice to me. In July 2005, he asked me again to accompany him to a wedding party. I rejected him by saying that "we were not in a relationship, if i go it will be very weird as I am not your girlfriend."
Since then, he became very cold to me and never ask me out. When I sms him, he will say that he is busy but still talk to me politely.
During Christmas 2005 and New year 2006 he sent me holiday greetings, he also wished me happy birthday in May. Once in a while I still sms him to chat on how he was doing but never hang out anymore as he always say that he was busy. In October 2006, my friend told me that he was in a relationship with a girl. From then on we stopped sms each other.
To my surprise, he still sent me holiday greetings even though he was in a relationship. In June 2007, he was out of the relationship. My friend asked me to contact him as he is single. So I wait till his birthday in July to wish him birthday. I just knew then that he will be moving to Boston in 2 weeks. I told him I may go to Boston in few months for the weekend with friends. He told me that if I ever go to Boston, just contact him. I also told him, before he leave for Boston, we should meet up for dinner. He said OK but he left for Boston without contacting me.
I am not sure what is in his mind as whenever I ask him out, he would say that he is busy with work. The last time I meet him was 2 years ago. As why is he acting very unfriendly and keep rejecting me? Why he bother to send me holiday greetings for the past 2 years? Why is it ever since I reject him to the wedding party, he became very cold? Another friend of mine told me to stop contacting him and move on unless he contact me first. I am going to Boston next month, should I contact him as he asked me to? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're being purposefully obtuse about this. Sounds quite simple to me. He was interested in you, he asked you to social events, you rejected him repeatedly and so he gave up on you as a romance partner but retained you as a friend and kept his social good manners. What you call cold is simply a toning down of his interest in you. He kept sending cards because he was being polite. He's busy because he's no longer interested in meeting you and wants nothing more than a passing friendship.
As I read your submission is kinda pisses me off. People like you can really be a nuisance. You write as if you're interested in the guy yet you repeatedly turned him down to social events as if the weddings he invited you to was yours and his. Please!! If you like the guy behave as such; if you don't, stop asking such silly questions.
Why do you want to meet up with him in Boston? I can't for the life of me understand what your interest in him is, and neither can he. He's being smart. And he'll continue to be smart if he avoids you. Life is hard enough without people playing the dumb games you're playing.
I have known a guy since November 2004 during my trip to Michigan through a friend. He texted me everyday. As he stayed in Michigan and I was in New York, we could not see each other but only communicate through sms or he will call me once a week. On Dec 31 2004 he came to New York to celebrate New Year with me. He expressed how he liked me. I was not sure at that time as we were on a long distance relationship. One month later, he came to New York again to ask me if I am ready for a relationship. I told him that I was planning to move to Michigan in 2 months. Maybe that time, we can talk about it again. He told me that if I am ever ready for the relationship, just hug him.
When I moved to Michigan, we were still contacting each other. We were not in a relationship yet as I have not hugged him but every day we sms each other and every weekend we hang out together. In April 2005, he asked me to go to a wedding party with him. I rejected him. He was OK and still very nice to me. In July 2005, he asked me again to accompany him to a wedding party. I rejected him by saying that "we were not in a relationship, if i go it will be very weird as I am not your girlfriend."
Since then, he became very cold to me and never ask me out. When I sms him, he will say that he is busy but still talk to me politely.
During Christmas 2005 and New year 2006 he sent me holiday greetings, he also wished me happy birthday in May. Once in a while I still sms him to chat on how he was doing but never hang out anymore as he always say that he was busy. In October 2006, my friend told me that he was in a relationship with a girl. From then on we stopped sms each other.
To my surprise, he still sent me holiday greetings even though he was in a relationship. In June 2007, he was out of the relationship. My friend asked me to contact him as he is single. So I wait till his birthday in July to wish him birthday. I just knew then that he will be moving to Boston in 2 weeks. I told him I may go to Boston in few months for the weekend with friends. He told me that if I ever go to Boston, just contact him. I also told him, before he leave for Boston, we should meet up for dinner. He said OK but he left for Boston without contacting me.
I am not sure what is in his mind as whenever I ask him out, he would say that he is busy with work. The last time I meet him was 2 years ago. As why is he acting very unfriendly and keep rejecting me? Why he bother to send me holiday greetings for the past 2 years? Why is it ever since I reject him to the wedding party, he became very cold? Another friend of mine told me to stop contacting him and move on unless he contact me first. I am going to Boston next month, should I contact him as he asked me to? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're being purposefully obtuse about this. Sounds quite simple to me. He was interested in you, he asked you to social events, you rejected him repeatedly and so he gave up on you as a romance partner but retained you as a friend and kept his social good manners. What you call cold is simply a toning down of his interest in you. He kept sending cards because he was being polite. He's busy because he's no longer interested in meeting you and wants nothing more than a passing friendship.
As I read your submission is kinda pisses me off. People like you can really be a nuisance. You write as if you're interested in the guy yet you repeatedly turned him down to social events as if the weddings he invited you to was yours and his. Please!! If you like the guy behave as such; if you don't, stop asking such silly questions.
Why do you want to meet up with him in Boston? I can't for the life of me understand what your interest in him is, and neither can he. He's being smart. And he'll continue to be smart if he avoids you. Life is hard enough without people playing the dumb games you're playing.
She told him she liked him
wendy, 22, from Florida, asks:
I met this guy. When we met he asked me for my number and I gave it to him. Two days after we met he called me and we talked on the phone and that same day at night we met and spend like 4 hours together. He was really nice with me and he wanted to make me breakfast and he was really really sweet with me. But 2 days after he stopped calling me and sending me text messages , and now it seems like if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore or anything. I'm really hurt because I was starting to like him and now he is acting weird. Today he sent me a text msg saying: ''what are you doing baby?'' and I am confused because some days he acts like if he is not interested and some other days he is. My question is, Is he afraid of falling in love with me?? Because I told him that I really like him and that I would like something serious with him??? I'm confused!
VictorM's advice:
When a guy meets a girl he likes, it's fun to pursue her, to seduce her, and to sweep her off her feet. During that process, the guy will learn more about her and have time to find out if she's a good fit for him before they get all serious. You, on the other hand, jumped too quickly into the confessions of liking him and wanting a serious relationship. Too often, this is a kiss of death. It strikes a guy of desperation, unnecessary rush, and above all, you remove the challenge of courtship, which for many guys is the most fun process of entering into a relationship.
So you have caused him to reconsider and question his interest in you, but it doesn't seem that all is lost. You need to back off the question about wanting to get serious and slow down the process. He wants to earn your love, not be handed to him on a silver plater.
And please, spare us the "I'm really hurt" stuff. Take an aspirin or something. Your romance novel fantasy that love should bloom right away is just that -- a fantasy! Most romances in the real world evolve over time. You better grow a thicker skin because he may or may not wind up interested in you. Someone liking you enough to explore a possible relationship is no assurance that the relationship will happen.
I met this guy. When we met he asked me for my number and I gave it to him. Two days after we met he called me and we talked on the phone and that same day at night we met and spend like 4 hours together. He was really nice with me and he wanted to make me breakfast and he was really really sweet with me. But 2 days after he stopped calling me and sending me text messages , and now it seems like if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore or anything. I'm really hurt because I was starting to like him and now he is acting weird. Today he sent me a text msg saying: ''what are you doing baby?'' and I am confused because some days he acts like if he is not interested and some other days he is. My question is, Is he afraid of falling in love with me?? Because I told him that I really like him and that I would like something serious with him??? I'm confused!
VictorM's advice:
When a guy meets a girl he likes, it's fun to pursue her, to seduce her, and to sweep her off her feet. During that process, the guy will learn more about her and have time to find out if she's a good fit for him before they get all serious. You, on the other hand, jumped too quickly into the confessions of liking him and wanting a serious relationship. Too often, this is a kiss of death. It strikes a guy of desperation, unnecessary rush, and above all, you remove the challenge of courtship, which for many guys is the most fun process of entering into a relationship.
So you have caused him to reconsider and question his interest in you, but it doesn't seem that all is lost. You need to back off the question about wanting to get serious and slow down the process. He wants to earn your love, not be handed to him on a silver plater.
And please, spare us the "I'm really hurt" stuff. Take an aspirin or something. Your romance novel fantasy that love should bloom right away is just that -- a fantasy! Most romances in the real world evolve over time. You better grow a thicker skin because he may or may not wind up interested in you. Someone liking you enough to explore a possible relationship is no assurance that the relationship will happen.
Friday, September 14, 2007
He gave her a shirt of his to keep
Reivan, from San Francisco, asks:
What does it mean when a guy you've been talking to gives you a shirt of his to keep and says he wishes you were there with him? Is he into me or not?
VictorM's advice:
Duh!
You came across this site and just had to submit a question, just for the hell of it, right? Yeah, I think so. :)
What does it mean when a guy you've been talking to gives you a shirt of his to keep and says he wishes you were there with him? Is he into me or not?
VictorM's advice:
Duh!
You came across this site and just had to submit a question, just for the hell of it, right? Yeah, I think so. :)
Sexy
Regina, 22, from Sacremento, asks:
What do guys find sexy?
VictorM's answer:
That's too broad a question. Tastes vary too much for anyone to be able to give you one answer. But I will say that regardless of what you wear, say, or do, as long as doing it with confidence is involved, you're well on your way to come across as sexy to the guys that matter.
What do guys find sexy?
VictorM's answer:
That's too broad a question. Tastes vary too much for anyone to be able to give you one answer. But I will say that regardless of what you wear, say, or do, as long as doing it with confidence is involved, you're well on your way to come across as sexy to the guys that matter.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
He's ignoring her all over again
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
I have broke up with my boyfriend for 4 weeks now and there was no contact in betwen those weeks so I didn't think he was bothered about me anymore. But last week he text me confessing his love and how he made a mistake and was depressed and even thought about ending his life. So we met up a few times and it was like the good old times but now he went cold again and stoped contacting again. Our families hate each other and he says he's getting hassle from them and he can't deal with it, so now he hasn't bothered answering my calls and is ignoring me all over again. Why is he doing this?
VictorM's advice:
You can call it a relapse. Like people who quit smoking but then have a cigarette, or someone who wants to quit drinking but takes a drink. Meeting up with you again meant something along those lines. Seeing you again was a sign of weakness, not a sign he wanted to get back with you.
I have broke up with my boyfriend for 4 weeks now and there was no contact in betwen those weeks so I didn't think he was bothered about me anymore. But last week he text me confessing his love and how he made a mistake and was depressed and even thought about ending his life. So we met up a few times and it was like the good old times but now he went cold again and stoped contacting again. Our families hate each other and he says he's getting hassle from them and he can't deal with it, so now he hasn't bothered answering my calls and is ignoring me all over again. Why is he doing this?
VictorM's advice:
You can call it a relapse. Like people who quit smoking but then have a cigarette, or someone who wants to quit drinking but takes a drink. Meeting up with you again meant something along those lines. Seeing you again was a sign of weakness, not a sign he wanted to get back with you.
He calls her baby
Rachelle, 23, from Chesterfield, asks:
So, I've been talking/seeing to this guy for some time now. He likes me and I like him. We've both agreed that we aren't ready for any type of relationship and just want to be friends. But we spend every weekend together, and when we go places he holds my hand in public, kisses me, calls me "baby". We always laugh and have a great time together! The problem is every once in awhile he'll say things like "I should hook up with your friend ---- " when he knows it makes me crazy. Or, sometimes he'll say things like "you messed up our chances"...Obviously he is trying to make me jealous, but what I don't get, is why? And does he really want to be more than friends with me?
VictorM's advice:
You both agreed you would be just friends. As a friend, he feels he can talk to you about other girls and sometimes lament that that's all you two are. If a guy can just be your friend and still enjoy your company, your kisses, and who knows what else, why would he want to be more than friends? He gets to enjoy you and also leave the door open to others. Good deal if you can get it.
Why does it seem he wants to make you feel jealous? Simple. Ever guy would love to be desired by every woman on the planet. He's not going out of his way to make you feel jealous, in fact, I would bet he does it without even realizing it. He's just acting like a regular guy who would like a girl to like and want him even if he's not ready for her. Just realize that you're not the star attraction of his behavior; his own ego his.
So, I've been talking/seeing to this guy for some time now. He likes me and I like him. We've both agreed that we aren't ready for any type of relationship and just want to be friends. But we spend every weekend together, and when we go places he holds my hand in public, kisses me, calls me "baby". We always laugh and have a great time together! The problem is every once in awhile he'll say things like "I should hook up with your friend ---- " when he knows it makes me crazy. Or, sometimes he'll say things like "you messed up our chances"...Obviously he is trying to make me jealous, but what I don't get, is why? And does he really want to be more than friends with me?
VictorM's advice:
You both agreed you would be just friends. As a friend, he feels he can talk to you about other girls and sometimes lament that that's all you two are. If a guy can just be your friend and still enjoy your company, your kisses, and who knows what else, why would he want to be more than friends? He gets to enjoy you and also leave the door open to others. Good deal if you can get it.
Why does it seem he wants to make you feel jealous? Simple. Ever guy would love to be desired by every woman on the planet. He's not going out of his way to make you feel jealous, in fact, I would bet he does it without even realizing it. He's just acting like a regular guy who would like a girl to like and want him even if he's not ready for her. Just realize that you're not the star attraction of his behavior; his own ego his.
Her ex's girlfriend doesn't want him being her friend
Martha, 57, from Wisconsin, asks:
My ex-husband's girlfriend doesn't want him to see me or even talk to me any more. We want to be friends. She said that he hurt her too much in my name, in taking three years after they were serious, to stop seeing me and finally get the divorce. I say he was just being kind. Why can't we be friends? Why can't she just trust him? He won't believe me that she is just trying to turn him against me. We have been separated for 12 years, and we have been friends the whole time. She insisted that he divorce me and it has caused me a lot of pain.
VictorM's advice:
You say that your divorce, even after 12 years of separation, has caused you a lot of pain and then you wonder why she doesn't want him to see you anymore and why she can't trust you? You say you want to just be friends but your tone indicates more dependence on him than you think. His girlfriend picks up on it and prefers him to stay clear of you. Can't say that I blame her.
Sure, it would be nice if you all could get along, but as I always say, exes are evil. At a minimum you'll be an intruder and a distraction to them. They have a life to live together and you're not part of it. If you can deal with it, then it's not a problem; if you can't deal with it, you prove her right.
My ex-husband's girlfriend doesn't want him to see me or even talk to me any more. We want to be friends. She said that he hurt her too much in my name, in taking three years after they were serious, to stop seeing me and finally get the divorce. I say he was just being kind. Why can't we be friends? Why can't she just trust him? He won't believe me that she is just trying to turn him against me. We have been separated for 12 years, and we have been friends the whole time. She insisted that he divorce me and it has caused me a lot of pain.
VictorM's advice:
You say that your divorce, even after 12 years of separation, has caused you a lot of pain and then you wonder why she doesn't want him to see you anymore and why she can't trust you? You say you want to just be friends but your tone indicates more dependence on him than you think. His girlfriend picks up on it and prefers him to stay clear of you. Can't say that I blame her.
Sure, it would be nice if you all could get along, but as I always say, exes are evil. At a minimum you'll be an intruder and a distraction to them. They have a life to live together and you're not part of it. If you can deal with it, then it's not a problem; if you can't deal with it, you prove her right.
He asked her to send him a card
Leslie, 35, from Chicago, asks:
I've been dating a guy (39 years old) for about a month and he recently asked me to send him a card and then asked me if I miss him. I was dumfounded since isn't this the role of the man, to send cards? He's also always asking me to call him. Meanwhile this guy has never sent me flowers, cards or anything and never tells me he misses me. It's like he wants me to reveal my feelings before he reveals his. What is up with this?
VictorM's advice:
It's the role of the man to send cards? What century are in living in? No, it's not the man's role.
Anyway, he likes to receive more than he likes to give. I hope you're paying attention as you select a mate.
I've been dating a guy (39 years old) for about a month and he recently asked me to send him a card and then asked me if I miss him. I was dumfounded since isn't this the role of the man, to send cards? He's also always asking me to call him. Meanwhile this guy has never sent me flowers, cards or anything and never tells me he misses me. It's like he wants me to reveal my feelings before he reveals his. What is up with this?
VictorM's advice:
It's the role of the man to send cards? What century are in living in? No, it's not the man's role.
Anyway, he likes to receive more than he likes to give. I hope you're paying attention as you select a mate.
She likes to "steal" her boyfriend's stuff
Sarah D., 15, from NY, asks:
Hello! I have a quick question. I like to "steal" my boyfriend's stuff, like his jackets, football jerseys, etc. He loves it when I wear them. But what can I give my boyfriend? Sometimes he's like, "Oh, but I don't have anything from you" when I mention I'm wearing his jacket. Also, what are some good gift ideas that aren't too expensive for birthdays/Christmas??
VictorM's advice:
I suggest you give him a pair of your panties and ask him to wear them.
Yeah, I'm kidding about that.
You really can give a guy anything as long as it's not a feminine thing. Also, lots of girls give their boyfriends things that would like to get for themselves. Big mistake.
The most important thing for you to do is to listen to him. Pay attention to his preferences. Buy HIS favorite movie, or HIS favorite video game, or a t-shirt of HIS favorite sports team... stuff like that. If you pay attention to what he likes, you'll know what to get him.
Hello! I have a quick question. I like to "steal" my boyfriend's stuff, like his jackets, football jerseys, etc. He loves it when I wear them. But what can I give my boyfriend? Sometimes he's like, "Oh, but I don't have anything from you" when I mention I'm wearing his jacket. Also, what are some good gift ideas that aren't too expensive for birthdays/Christmas??
VictorM's advice:
I suggest you give him a pair of your panties and ask him to wear them.
Yeah, I'm kidding about that.
You really can give a guy anything as long as it's not a feminine thing. Also, lots of girls give their boyfriends things that would like to get for themselves. Big mistake.
The most important thing for you to do is to listen to him. Pay attention to his preferences. Buy HIS favorite movie, or HIS favorite video game, or a t-shirt of HIS favorite sports team... stuff like that. If you pay attention to what he likes, you'll know what to get him.
She thinks he might like her, but she only likes him as a friend
Katie, 14, from Utah, asks:
I sit next to this guy in my English class who is very friendly with me. He watches me when he thinks I'm not looking. He tries really hard to make me smile and laugh, and whenever I'm talking with someone else, he politely joins in on the conversation and hangs on everyone of my words. I think he might like me, but I only like him as a friend. His bad-boy reputation, especially, makes me apprehensive about getting to know him better. I've heard he's said some pretty rude stuff before. So, 1. do you think he likes me? and 2. should I continue to be friends with him, or should I distance myself from him, without being impolite, of course.
VictorM's advice:
1. He probably likes you but chances are he likes many other girls and is just spreading his wings about the opposite sex. I wouldn't worry that he's too serious and wants you to have his babies yet. If he likes you more than you like him, that's his problem, not yours.
2. Guys say lots of dumbs things, specially when around their other male friends. You really have to develop the ability to deal with all kinds of people and not run away from imperfect ones. If you avoided such guys you'd have to join a convent. As long as he's nice to you and respectful, sure, be his friend. The moment he steps over the line let him know by stapling his testicles together.
I sit next to this guy in my English class who is very friendly with me. He watches me when he thinks I'm not looking. He tries really hard to make me smile and laugh, and whenever I'm talking with someone else, he politely joins in on the conversation and hangs on everyone of my words. I think he might like me, but I only like him as a friend. His bad-boy reputation, especially, makes me apprehensive about getting to know him better. I've heard he's said some pretty rude stuff before. So, 1. do you think he likes me? and 2. should I continue to be friends with him, or should I distance myself from him, without being impolite, of course.
VictorM's advice:
1. He probably likes you but chances are he likes many other girls and is just spreading his wings about the opposite sex. I wouldn't worry that he's too serious and wants you to have his babies yet. If he likes you more than you like him, that's his problem, not yours.
2. Guys say lots of dumbs things, specially when around their other male friends. You really have to develop the ability to deal with all kinds of people and not run away from imperfect ones. If you avoided such guys you'd have to join a convent. As long as he's nice to you and respectful, sure, be his friend. The moment he steps over the line let him know by stapling his testicles together.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
She can't trust guys
Stephanie, 17, asks:
I have been on plenty of dates, and experienced plenty of situations to make myself think that I can't trust guys. I am a fairly complicated teenager and I recently broke up with a guy who drove me nuts and I was always stressing over. I became busy with work and school, and now I met a new guy. He is simple, he is sweet, he is straight foward, and he seems to like me. We went out twice, and things are going good. But I can't seem to stop thinking something is going to go wrong. I was at his house the other day when I saw a picture of his ex girlfriend. When I asked who it was, he told me flat out -- that it was his ex girlfriend. I don't know much about him, but what I do know I like. Why can't I get these crazy thoughts out of my head?
VictorM's advice:
What crazy thoughts? It's healthy to be on the lookout for red flags in a prospective mate. If he continues to be straight with you trust will follow; if he lies, you have yourself a red flag. There's nothing wrong with this.
Continue to see him, give him the benefit of the doubt, and give him a chance to explain situations you're curious about. There's nothing crazy about that.
I have been on plenty of dates, and experienced plenty of situations to make myself think that I can't trust guys. I am a fairly complicated teenager and I recently broke up with a guy who drove me nuts and I was always stressing over. I became busy with work and school, and now I met a new guy. He is simple, he is sweet, he is straight foward, and he seems to like me. We went out twice, and things are going good. But I can't seem to stop thinking something is going to go wrong. I was at his house the other day when I saw a picture of his ex girlfriend. When I asked who it was, he told me flat out -- that it was his ex girlfriend. I don't know much about him, but what I do know I like. Why can't I get these crazy thoughts out of my head?
VictorM's advice:
What crazy thoughts? It's healthy to be on the lookout for red flags in a prospective mate. If he continues to be straight with you trust will follow; if he lies, you have yourself a red flag. There's nothing wrong with this.
Continue to see him, give him the benefit of the doubt, and give him a chance to explain situations you're curious about. There's nothing crazy about that.
She wrote him a letter
Stacey, 17, from New york, asks:
Hey, remember me? Well, I wasn't really willing to give up on my guy just yet... you advised me that he was sort of ignoring me because guys his age felt the need to "conquer" girls (lol)... so what I did was I wrote him a letter asking him to be completely honest with me about how he felt about being friends (I didn't mention "more than friends" stuff), and I asked him to write back and to tell me if he really wanted to be friends, and if he didnt I told him to just tell me the truth. Let's see... I wrote that to him about three days ago, and he hasn't changed at all, and hasn't given me a letter. He's had plenty of chances to give me one, because we see one another in school every day! But still, he even ignores that letter. I just want to know why he's doing this! Oh, and sometimes I kind of feel pushy or annoying- giving him so many letters! I mean, am I just being annoying in his view? And I always think, if he doesn't answer my letter right away, does that mean he doesn't care much about this whole situation? Oh, and I'm friends with his sister, best friends, and she always tells me he likes me whenever we talk about him... it's all so frusterating! bye and thanks!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Stacey, Stacey, Stacey... (yes, I do remember you)... what am I going to do with you? What part of "ignoring him" didn't you understand that you went and wrote him a letter? How is that ignoring him? In fact, taking the time to sit down and write a letter is like laying on the grown for him to walk over you. And you expected a guy to sit down and write back, and be honest about his feelings? Stacey, you need some serious remedial work on your ability to understand guys. You think so much like a girl that it may just be hopeless. But I'll try.
Yes, you are being a royal pain in the ass annoyance with your letters and your requests and your attention seeking. IGNORE THE GUY!!!! Pretend you are George Bush and someone came to you with a good idea to end the Iraq war. Got that? You should ignore this guy like George would ignore that person.
Of course his sister tells you that he likes you. Did you really expect her to hurt your feelings and be blunt? And maybe she's even telling the truth. He has nothing against you, he doesn't hate you, therefore he likes you. But he's not into you and you're ruining your chances he ever will be by being such a girl.
Hey, remember me? Well, I wasn't really willing to give up on my guy just yet... you advised me that he was sort of ignoring me because guys his age felt the need to "conquer" girls (lol)... so what I did was I wrote him a letter asking him to be completely honest with me about how he felt about being friends (I didn't mention "more than friends" stuff), and I asked him to write back and to tell me if he really wanted to be friends, and if he didnt I told him to just tell me the truth. Let's see... I wrote that to him about three days ago, and he hasn't changed at all, and hasn't given me a letter. He's had plenty of chances to give me one, because we see one another in school every day! But still, he even ignores that letter. I just want to know why he's doing this! Oh, and sometimes I kind of feel pushy or annoying- giving him so many letters! I mean, am I just being annoying in his view? And I always think, if he doesn't answer my letter right away, does that mean he doesn't care much about this whole situation? Oh, and I'm friends with his sister, best friends, and she always tells me he likes me whenever we talk about him... it's all so frusterating! bye and thanks!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Stacey, Stacey, Stacey... (yes, I do remember you)... what am I going to do with you? What part of "ignoring him" didn't you understand that you went and wrote him a letter? How is that ignoring him? In fact, taking the time to sit down and write a letter is like laying on the grown for him to walk over you. And you expected a guy to sit down and write back, and be honest about his feelings? Stacey, you need some serious remedial work on your ability to understand guys. You think so much like a girl that it may just be hopeless. But I'll try.
Yes, you are being a royal pain in the ass annoyance with your letters and your requests and your attention seeking. IGNORE THE GUY!!!! Pretend you are George Bush and someone came to you with a good idea to end the Iraq war. Got that? You should ignore this guy like George would ignore that person.
Of course his sister tells you that he likes you. Did you really expect her to hurt your feelings and be blunt? And maybe she's even telling the truth. He has nothing against you, he doesn't hate you, therefore he likes you. But he's not into you and you're ruining your chances he ever will be by being such a girl.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Shy and also a little apprehensive
Tanya, 23, from Dallas, asks:
Hi Vic! Im kinda shy and also a little apprehensive about approaching guys. I wanted to know what are some good ways to approach guys without making a fool of myself or coming off as desperate?
VictorM's advice:
Well, the best way is to not be desperate. So for now avoid talking to a guy you really like. Practice getting more comfortable by talking with guys you are not attracted to. The key is to not ask guys out. Start simple conversations about topics you know a guy likes. It could be sports, video games, etc. just engage a guy with a simple question, get an answer, then say thanks, smile, and walk away.
You need to accumulate little victories like that. The more you realize that starting a conversation with a guy is not so hard, you'll gain the trust you need to do it more often.
Hi Vic! Im kinda shy and also a little apprehensive about approaching guys. I wanted to know what are some good ways to approach guys without making a fool of myself or coming off as desperate?
VictorM's advice:
Well, the best way is to not be desperate. So for now avoid talking to a guy you really like. Practice getting more comfortable by talking with guys you are not attracted to. The key is to not ask guys out. Start simple conversations about topics you know a guy likes. It could be sports, video games, etc. just engage a guy with a simple question, get an answer, then say thanks, smile, and walk away.
You need to accumulate little victories like that. The more you realize that starting a conversation with a guy is not so hard, you'll gain the trust you need to do it more often.
He acts weird around her
confused chik, 21, asks:
I am engaged to my fiance and we've been 2 years together. I love him and everything. But there is a guy that I know for about 6 years years, in fact he was my dancing instructor and he is my ex boyfriend's mate. My male mates are mates with him as well. Anyways... he always looks at me and acts weird around me, like at dancing he shows off around me to get attention, and comments he makes vary from time to time. When I am around my fiance he gets jealous and won't say hi to me or him. Once he approached my fiance and I and asked if we were still together. He acts like a prick sometimes, but I don't know what draws me to him. I liked him since I was 15 years old and now I'm 21, and he's 27. We share similar qualities and hobbies. He gets me confused one day he's nice the next he's a prick. My fiance is so much better than him, but I can't help that this guy likes me or not. I need to know. I have everything with my fiance that I could ever want and maybe I see this guy too much to forget. Sould I quit dancing and are these possible signs that he likes me? Even when I was single he would flirt but he would never approach me and ask me out, but I have a feeling that he likes me. HELP IM CONFUSED!!!
VictorM's advice:
Does he like you? Doesn't look like he does. The attention he gives you is not consistent with someone who has feelings for you. His behavior resembles that of a bully who picks on someone over and over. Bullies can become obsessed with someone for reasons that are hard to understand. This guy seems to have a similar obsession with you. He's not a bully in the traditional sense, but still, he wants your attention but he doesn't want you. The sometimes being nice and sometimes being a prick are all part of the game to fuck with you. Stay away from him.
I am engaged to my fiance and we've been 2 years together. I love him and everything. But there is a guy that I know for about 6 years years, in fact he was my dancing instructor and he is my ex boyfriend's mate. My male mates are mates with him as well. Anyways... he always looks at me and acts weird around me, like at dancing he shows off around me to get attention, and comments he makes vary from time to time. When I am around my fiance he gets jealous and won't say hi to me or him. Once he approached my fiance and I and asked if we were still together. He acts like a prick sometimes, but I don't know what draws me to him. I liked him since I was 15 years old and now I'm 21, and he's 27. We share similar qualities and hobbies. He gets me confused one day he's nice the next he's a prick. My fiance is so much better than him, but I can't help that this guy likes me or not. I need to know. I have everything with my fiance that I could ever want and maybe I see this guy too much to forget. Sould I quit dancing and are these possible signs that he likes me? Even when I was single he would flirt but he would never approach me and ask me out, but I have a feeling that he likes me. HELP IM CONFUSED!!!
VictorM's advice:
Does he like you? Doesn't look like he does. The attention he gives you is not consistent with someone who has feelings for you. His behavior resembles that of a bully who picks on someone over and over. Bullies can become obsessed with someone for reasons that are hard to understand. This guy seems to have a similar obsession with you. He's not a bully in the traditional sense, but still, he wants your attention but he doesn't want you. The sometimes being nice and sometimes being a prick are all part of the game to fuck with you. Stay away from him.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
She thinks he still checks up on her
Lola, 19, from DC, asks:
My best friend -- who is now my ex best friend -- he never said that we were a couple or anything but, when I started dating this guy my ex best friend said that I was two timing, and implied that I was a slut. Did he like me? He would also talked about a girl which he never memtioned to me ever. Was he trying to make me jealous? He would say "sexY" stuff like that about the other girl lol. It's been about 2 years since we haven't spoken to each other. I think that he still checks up on me through our other friends. What should I do? Still can't get over him and I made a mistake for going out with the other guy. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he likes you or not, but if he does, he sure has a stupid way of showing it. Insulting the girl you like is usually not the way to go. His behavior doesn't have to mean he likes you. Some friends -- guys or girls -- can be jealous of anyone that enters another friend's life and takes the spotlight away from them. Their jealousy is not a sign of love or caring, but selfishness and immaturity. This may be the case with your guy friend.
What should you do? I would say call him and start talking to him like a friend again, as if nothing happened. Hopefully you'll be a little wiser and recognize that you need to aim a little higher when searching for a mate. You seem to be attracted to a little boy, regardless of his actual age.
My best friend -- who is now my ex best friend -- he never said that we were a couple or anything but, when I started dating this guy my ex best friend said that I was two timing, and implied that I was a slut. Did he like me? He would also talked about a girl which he never memtioned to me ever. Was he trying to make me jealous? He would say "sexY" stuff like that about the other girl lol. It's been about 2 years since we haven't spoken to each other. I think that he still checks up on me through our other friends. What should I do? Still can't get over him and I made a mistake for going out with the other guy. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he likes you or not, but if he does, he sure has a stupid way of showing it. Insulting the girl you like is usually not the way to go. His behavior doesn't have to mean he likes you. Some friends -- guys or girls -- can be jealous of anyone that enters another friend's life and takes the spotlight away from them. Their jealousy is not a sign of love or caring, but selfishness and immaturity. This may be the case with your guy friend.
What should you do? I would say call him and start talking to him like a friend again, as if nothing happened. Hopefully you'll be a little wiser and recognize that you need to aim a little higher when searching for a mate. You seem to be attracted to a little boy, regardless of his actual age.
Spending the rest of your life with one person
Kelsi, 21, from Oklahoma, asks:
Hey again! I just wanted to thank you for your advice and he's started to help me out around the house (about the 2yr old he's my child from a previous relationship). He's even gotten better about helping me with him too!!! I'm so happy!!
I do have another question though. We've been living together for about 3 months now and know each other for about 2 yrs. I love him to pieces and in my heart I feel like he's the ONE!!!! The only thing is that we both want to get married but we feel it's too soon. Do you think that there's a time line on how long you have to be with someone to know that you want to spend the rest of your life with them?
VictorM's advice:
No, there's no time line. I personally have known several couples who lived together for many years before deciding to get married. Some are still married, some are not. One couple in particular lived together for 11 years, then decided to get married. A year later, they were separated and are now divorced.
Things can change in a relationship rather quickly and out of the blue. It can happen after one week, one year, one decade, or more. There are no guarantees for future success. Just enjoy each day as much as possible. Not only does it make your life better but it's the best way to lead to long term happiness.
PS. I'm happy for you. It's nice to know that my advice doesn't just get lost in cyberspace, that once in a while it helps someone. You made my day by letting me know. Thanks. :)
Hey again! I just wanted to thank you for your advice and he's started to help me out around the house (about the 2yr old he's my child from a previous relationship). He's even gotten better about helping me with him too!!! I'm so happy!!
I do have another question though. We've been living together for about 3 months now and know each other for about 2 yrs. I love him to pieces and in my heart I feel like he's the ONE!!!! The only thing is that we both want to get married but we feel it's too soon. Do you think that there's a time line on how long you have to be with someone to know that you want to spend the rest of your life with them?
VictorM's advice:
No, there's no time line. I personally have known several couples who lived together for many years before deciding to get married. Some are still married, some are not. One couple in particular lived together for 11 years, then decided to get married. A year later, they were separated and are now divorced.
Things can change in a relationship rather quickly and out of the blue. It can happen after one week, one year, one decade, or more. There are no guarantees for future success. Just enjoy each day as much as possible. Not only does it make your life better but it's the best way to lead to long term happiness.
PS. I'm happy for you. It's nice to know that my advice doesn't just get lost in cyberspace, that once in a while it helps someone. You made my day by letting me know. Thanks. :)
Boys fighting
delia, 15, from huntington beach, asks:
I had this friend (let's call him Charlie) but we are not really friends anymore. On the first day of school, (my boyfriend=freshman, Charlie=Sophmore) Charlie was so-called picking on my boyfriend. I thought it was pretty rude when Charlie came up and told me he: 1) was picking on my boyfriend when we had stopped speaking, and 2) picking on him at all. When my boyfriend told me what happened, the story was pretty much the same and my boyfriend got REALLY angry. As in, he wants to punch the living daylights out of him. Even if we are no longer close friends, I still care for Charlie but I cannot tell my boyfriend that because my boyfriend may think I'm taking his side. I tell my boyfriend not to fight him because I don't want him in trouble. What do I do??
VictorM advice:
I can't believe you're not telling Charlie he's an asshole. You should take your boyfriend's side. But aside from that, try to stay out of it. Let the boys be boys and solve their problems. Most of the time this stuff leads nowhere. Let your boyfriend stand up for himself.
I'm rooting for your boyfriend to beat the living daylights out of Charlie. You still care for him but he's a jerk and deserves to be taught a lesson. Next time you see Charlie I hope he has a shiner and a swollen lip!
Oh wait, I'm suppose to give sensible advice... oh yes, I hope the boys solve this without violence and through thoughtful dialogue. *yawn*
I had this friend (let's call him Charlie) but we are not really friends anymore. On the first day of school, (my boyfriend=freshman, Charlie=Sophmore) Charlie was so-called picking on my boyfriend. I thought it was pretty rude when Charlie came up and told me he: 1) was picking on my boyfriend when we had stopped speaking, and 2) picking on him at all. When my boyfriend told me what happened, the story was pretty much the same and my boyfriend got REALLY angry. As in, he wants to punch the living daylights out of him. Even if we are no longer close friends, I still care for Charlie but I cannot tell my boyfriend that because my boyfriend may think I'm taking his side. I tell my boyfriend not to fight him because I don't want him in trouble. What do I do??
VictorM advice:
I can't believe you're not telling Charlie he's an asshole. You should take your boyfriend's side. But aside from that, try to stay out of it. Let the boys be boys and solve their problems. Most of the time this stuff leads nowhere. Let your boyfriend stand up for himself.
I'm rooting for your boyfriend to beat the living daylights out of Charlie. You still care for him but he's a jerk and deserves to be taught a lesson. Next time you see Charlie I hope he has a shiner and a swollen lip!
Oh wait, I'm suppose to give sensible advice... oh yes, I hope the boys solve this without violence and through thoughtful dialogue. *yawn*
Being in a bad porn movie
kim, 33, from cleveland, asks:
What does it mean when a guys says, "what does it feel like I'm in a bad porn movie" after having sex?
VictorM's advice:
Kim, next time someone says something like that, ask what they mean.
I can take the remark in one of three ways:
Way number one - as compliment. Bad porn movies can be interpreted as those with no plot, no gimmicks, just good hardcore sex. This definition is a stretch, but possible.
Way number two - as an insult. A bad porn movie has models that are fake and come across as totally not into it.
Way number three -- and my favorite of the three -- you had sex with a verbally challenged idiot.
What does it mean when a guys says, "what does it feel like I'm in a bad porn movie" after having sex?
VictorM's advice:
Kim, next time someone says something like that, ask what they mean.
I can take the remark in one of three ways:
Way number one - as compliment. Bad porn movies can be interpreted as those with no plot, no gimmicks, just good hardcore sex. This definition is a stretch, but possible.
Way number two - as an insult. A bad porn movie has models that are fake and come across as totally not into it.
Way number three -- and my favorite of the three -- you had sex with a verbally challenged idiot.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Meeting guys
Danielle, 22, from Baton Rouge, asks:
What are some good places to meet guys?
VictorM's advice:
Airport restrooms.
I'm assuming you want to skip the usual bar/club scene. So I say: gyms, online dating services, book stores, and churches. And if you charge for your services, Republican party meetings. (Yes, that's a joke, don't get offended). But I'm not joking about churches. If religion is your thing, they work rather well.
Anybody else have suggestions for Danielle? Please use the comments section below. Thanks.
What are some good places to meet guys?
VictorM's advice:
I'm assuming you want to skip the usual bar/club scene. So I say: gyms, online dating services, book stores, and churches. And if you charge for your services, Republican party meetings. (Yes, that's a joke, don't get offended). But I'm not joking about churches. If religion is your thing, they work rather well.
Anybody else have suggestions for Danielle? Please use the comments section below. Thanks.
They trade up to 15 emails a day
Margy, 25, from Chicago, asks:
I work with mainly men but there is one guy in particular I am close friends with partly because we've worked together a lot and know each other really well. He's a couple of years older than I am and married but work means that he and his wife only see each other at weekends. Recently I've noticed that he seems to always be seeking my attention (emailing about stupid things if we aren't both in the same office, we can exchange 15 or so email in a day, asking me questions that anyone could help with etc.) and one of the other guys has suggested he is flirting with me. It's not helped that I have a crush on him, but does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could like you, but consider other possibilities. You work with mostly men. That means that so does he. He could prefer to pass the dull hours of a working day dealing with you rather than with the other men. Doesn't sound that strange to me. Could he be flirting as well? It's possible. Flirting is a common way to make the day more pleasant. Does that mean he's interested in more than just passing the hours of the day in a fun way? No. There's a good chance that that's all it is.
Look, he's married. Stay away from him! No one is forcing you to reply to his 15 emails so quickly. Surely you can discourage some of that activity if you wanted to.
I work with mainly men but there is one guy in particular I am close friends with partly because we've worked together a lot and know each other really well. He's a couple of years older than I am and married but work means that he and his wife only see each other at weekends. Recently I've noticed that he seems to always be seeking my attention (emailing about stupid things if we aren't both in the same office, we can exchange 15 or so email in a day, asking me questions that anyone could help with etc.) and one of the other guys has suggested he is flirting with me. It's not helped that I have a crush on him, but does he like me?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could like you, but consider other possibilities. You work with mostly men. That means that so does he. He could prefer to pass the dull hours of a working day dealing with you rather than with the other men. Doesn't sound that strange to me. Could he be flirting as well? It's possible. Flirting is a common way to make the day more pleasant. Does that mean he's interested in more than just passing the hours of the day in a fun way? No. There's a good chance that that's all it is.
Look, he's married. Stay away from him! No one is forcing you to reply to his 15 emails so quickly. Surely you can discourage some of that activity if you wanted to.
He is getting engaged
jill, 19, from edinburgh, asks:
If a guy who you once flirted with intensely starts talking about how he thinks that him and his girlfriend are now getting engaged- is he trying to warn you off? Or just making you jealous?
VictorM's advice:
He's politely telling you to back off. Not that he should have to, you should know better.
If a guy who you once flirted with intensely starts talking about how he thinks that him and his girlfriend are now getting engaged- is he trying to warn you off? Or just making you jealous?
VictorM's advice:
He's politely telling you to back off. Not that he should have to, you should know better.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
He was nervous when he broke-up with her
cynthia, 21, from texas, asks:
I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years just over 2 weeks ago. We are still young -- me 21 and him 23 -- we haven't really spoken or anything just a few text msgs here and there to see how we both are, but I'm definitely not going out of my way to speak to him. We were on a break for 2 weeks before that and basically went out for dinner to break up the last night I saw him. The whole time at dinner I was clearly giving him signs that we weren't a couple, (he was the one who wanted the break and to break-up) but he just kept on hugging me and trying to hold my hand and kissing me on the head and the lips (not making out lip action, but still!!.. lol).. I didn’t do anything back!! Kinda were the hugs where you just stand there and he hugs you but your arms are straight by your side, it just annoying me because he was trying to act like we were still together. And the thing is, we really broke up over nothing... I still don't get it. I'm trying real hard to move on, going out with mates all the time, keeping myself busy at work and uni but it's kinda hard when he didn't really give me any closure.. believe me, I try not to but I just can’t help thinking about what went wrong.
He was so nervous when he was trying to break up with me.. was kinda funny with all the stuttering. He kept saying "I've had so much fun with you since we've been together, and so glad I met you. I could never hate you, you're like my first real girlfriend I guess.. I wouldn’t wanna change a thing about you, I really loved you... I really don't want to lose you even as a friend, I still wanna be able to talk to you and for you to talk to me. And seriously if ever you need me for anything I want you to call me first because I still care about you so much... blah blah blah but I mean, if you don't wanna be friends I'll understand, what ever you need to do. And I mean you're still young and you wanna travel next year and you gotta finish uni.. so in a way this break up is kinda for you too. I dunno I just don't see us working, it's just a combination of things I don’t really know myself… all I know is I just don't want a relationship right now... but I mean that doesn't mean .. like maybe later we might be together... like I dunno what might happen in the future.??????
Ooh the thing that ticked me off was when he said, sometimes I wish we had a huge fight so then you’d hate me… ummm WTF!! Whats that all about… eh selfish asshole!!! Trying to look like the good guy when we all know that he’s… a selfish asshole lol. What the hell does that all mean??? sound like total bull shhhh?? Hmmmmz…
Think he was attempting at letting me down easy… but didn’t really work. ehh no offence but boys are stupid lol. I guess one thing that’s good is while he’s so confused I’m not being brought into all so in that way I guess I’m thankful that we broke up… does that make sense..
I tried to get it out of him the real reason why he wanted to break up... I asked if he thinks I'm a distraction to his new business, he said no. I said, is it because you think I'm just gonna get upset because you don't have time for me and don’t appreciate me like you used to and drift apart because we'll end up fighting and resenting each other, basically he said no, I asked is it cause you wanna see other girls, he said no, that's seriously the last thing on his mind (and I guess me included lol) I dunno if he's lying tho.... after that I just gave up, and just went silent and nodded and stuff. It's weird, while we were together, no doubt he was busy and still had work and had his own life and his own mates to catch up with, but I was always the one who was real busy, having 2 jobs at different ends of the city, uni and assignments, my own mates to see, and still keeping the boyfriend as a major priority, we still managed to have an awesome relationship. Even with all the faults, you couldn't fault it. He went overseas for 4 months, and when he came back it's like nothing changed, my dad doesn't want me to have boyfriend that isn't of the same religion, but with him I didn't care and it was never a problem, we lived literally at opposite ends of the city, about 45 minutes away, but I still saw him and stayed over about 3-4 times a week etc.. we both thought it was so awesome how we managed to get thru everything, I thought it made us stronger.
He just opened his own business, full on I know for someone so young (and even tho I'm resenting him honestly I am so proud of him.. he doesn’t need to know.. selfish asshole lol). BUT!!!! But it's like as soon as he has a full on job and full on busy, he just toss' me aside like a piece of rubbish... does he think his life is more important than mine!!!! ahh yes!!! Is he arrogant.. aahh yes!!! Can you tell me seriously… are all guys like this?? I just don't get it still!!! Just wondering if you have any ideas from a guys perspective of whats going on in this guys head so I can have a bit of closure as to what happened and what went wrong... so I can bloody move on and stop thinking about the stupid potato brains lol.
VictorM's advice:
You're from Texas but you write like an Australian. What's what with that? :)
This submission makes me feel so happy I'm a guy! I would have a brain hernia if I put so much thought into such a simple thing.
Listen carefully because if you don't you'll miss my point: he's over you! Get it? OVER YOU!
Why did it happen? He has no idea, I'm sure. He got up some day and wasn't that excited about seeing you. Who knows how long that had been going for. I'm sure he tried to get over it thinking it was a phase. He felt really guilty about it. But in the end, the sparks were gone. The nervous dinner, the hugging, etc are all signs that he felt bad about it, still thinks you're a cool girl, but the sparks are gone, so what's a guy to do? It's that simple. It happens. Deal with it. Closure!
He's not selfish, he's not an asshole. Quite the contrary. He sounds like a nice guy who recognized his feelings had vanished and was honest with you about it.
So, are most guys like him? No. When it comes to breaking up, most guys are assholes. You're lucky your ex was not one and spoke his mind. Trust me, he doesn't know why he lost his feelings for you. I'm sure he wishes it hadn't happened. But it did and he had the courage to recognize it.
Stop thinking about it (I know, I might as well ask for a miracle) but there's nothing else to see here. Move on folks.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years just over 2 weeks ago. We are still young -- me 21 and him 23 -- we haven't really spoken or anything just a few text msgs here and there to see how we both are, but I'm definitely not going out of my way to speak to him. We were on a break for 2 weeks before that and basically went out for dinner to break up the last night I saw him. The whole time at dinner I was clearly giving him signs that we weren't a couple, (he was the one who wanted the break and to break-up) but he just kept on hugging me and trying to hold my hand and kissing me on the head and the lips (not making out lip action, but still!!.. lol).. I didn’t do anything back!! Kinda were the hugs where you just stand there and he hugs you but your arms are straight by your side, it just annoying me because he was trying to act like we were still together. And the thing is, we really broke up over nothing... I still don't get it. I'm trying real hard to move on, going out with mates all the time, keeping myself busy at work and uni but it's kinda hard when he didn't really give me any closure.. believe me, I try not to but I just can’t help thinking about what went wrong.
He was so nervous when he was trying to break up with me.. was kinda funny with all the stuttering. He kept saying "I've had so much fun with you since we've been together, and so glad I met you. I could never hate you, you're like my first real girlfriend I guess.. I wouldn’t wanna change a thing about you, I really loved you... I really don't want to lose you even as a friend, I still wanna be able to talk to you and for you to talk to me. And seriously if ever you need me for anything I want you to call me first because I still care about you so much... blah blah blah but I mean, if you don't wanna be friends I'll understand, what ever you need to do. And I mean you're still young and you wanna travel next year and you gotta finish uni.. so in a way this break up is kinda for you too. I dunno I just don't see us working, it's just a combination of things I don’t really know myself… all I know is I just don't want a relationship right now... but I mean that doesn't mean .. like maybe later we might be together... like I dunno what might happen in the future.??????
Ooh the thing that ticked me off was when he said, sometimes I wish we had a huge fight so then you’d hate me… ummm WTF!! Whats that all about… eh selfish asshole!!! Trying to look like the good guy when we all know that he’s… a selfish asshole lol. What the hell does that all mean??? sound like total bull shhhh?? Hmmmmz…
Think he was attempting at letting me down easy… but didn’t really work. ehh no offence but boys are stupid lol. I guess one thing that’s good is while he’s so confused I’m not being brought into all so in that way I guess I’m thankful that we broke up… does that make sense..
I tried to get it out of him the real reason why he wanted to break up... I asked if he thinks I'm a distraction to his new business, he said no. I said, is it because you think I'm just gonna get upset because you don't have time for me and don’t appreciate me like you used to and drift apart because we'll end up fighting and resenting each other, basically he said no, I asked is it cause you wanna see other girls, he said no, that's seriously the last thing on his mind (and I guess me included lol) I dunno if he's lying tho.... after that I just gave up, and just went silent and nodded and stuff. It's weird, while we were together, no doubt he was busy and still had work and had his own life and his own mates to catch up with, but I was always the one who was real busy, having 2 jobs at different ends of the city, uni and assignments, my own mates to see, and still keeping the boyfriend as a major priority, we still managed to have an awesome relationship. Even with all the faults, you couldn't fault it. He went overseas for 4 months, and when he came back it's like nothing changed, my dad doesn't want me to have boyfriend that isn't of the same religion, but with him I didn't care and it was never a problem, we lived literally at opposite ends of the city, about 45 minutes away, but I still saw him and stayed over about 3-4 times a week etc.. we both thought it was so awesome how we managed to get thru everything, I thought it made us stronger.
He just opened his own business, full on I know for someone so young (and even tho I'm resenting him honestly I am so proud of him.. he doesn’t need to know.. selfish asshole lol). BUT!!!! But it's like as soon as he has a full on job and full on busy, he just toss' me aside like a piece of rubbish... does he think his life is more important than mine!!!! ahh yes!!! Is he arrogant.. aahh yes!!! Can you tell me seriously… are all guys like this?? I just don't get it still!!! Just wondering if you have any ideas from a guys perspective of whats going on in this guys head so I can have a bit of closure as to what happened and what went wrong... so I can bloody move on and stop thinking about the stupid potato brains lol.
VictorM's advice:
You're from Texas but you write like an Australian. What's what with that? :)
This submission makes me feel so happy I'm a guy! I would have a brain hernia if I put so much thought into such a simple thing.
Listen carefully because if you don't you'll miss my point: he's over you! Get it? OVER YOU!
Why did it happen? He has no idea, I'm sure. He got up some day and wasn't that excited about seeing you. Who knows how long that had been going for. I'm sure he tried to get over it thinking it was a phase. He felt really guilty about it. But in the end, the sparks were gone. The nervous dinner, the hugging, etc are all signs that he felt bad about it, still thinks you're a cool girl, but the sparks are gone, so what's a guy to do? It's that simple. It happens. Deal with it. Closure!
He's not selfish, he's not an asshole. Quite the contrary. He sounds like a nice guy who recognized his feelings had vanished and was honest with you about it.
So, are most guys like him? No. When it comes to breaking up, most guys are assholes. You're lucky your ex was not one and spoke his mind. Trust me, he doesn't know why he lost his feelings for you. I'm sure he wishes it hadn't happened. But it did and he had the courage to recognize it.
Stop thinking about it (I know, I might as well ask for a miracle) but there's nothing else to see here. Move on folks.
She has not been lucky with guys before
Mia, 21, from Lancaster, asks:
OK so I haven't had luck with guys in the past... I met this guy at work and asked him if he wanted to go out, and he seemed pretty happy about it so I gave him my number. He called it once that day, but that was it. I have asked him a few times to hang out or even schedule a date and he is always too busy, but when I see him at work he is always checking me out and smiling... when I told him after a few rejections if he isn't interested to tell me so I don't feel like an ass all he said was I guess I'll let you know if I wanna hang out. I know he's shy, but the mixed signals are driving me crazy.... How do I take that, and what should my next step be? I am so scared of coming off too pushy or saying the wrong things... I really like him and want to hang out ohh did I mention I have a son and I think that may of freaked him out, I don't know....HELP ME
VictorM's advice:
Mia, there are no mixed signals. This guy may very well like you, find you amusing and pretty, and yet just want to be friendly with you! Why are you assuming that just because he looks at you and smiles he'll want to go out? It seems to me he's been very clear that he's not interested in you in the same way you are in him.
When he told you he'll let you know if he wants to hang out, he means he's not interested in hanging out with you. That's not much of a hidden clue; it's as clear as day.
You're his coworker. Behave like one and stop asking him out. Maybe keeping his job is more important than a date with you.
OK so I haven't had luck with guys in the past... I met this guy at work and asked him if he wanted to go out, and he seemed pretty happy about it so I gave him my number. He called it once that day, but that was it. I have asked him a few times to hang out or even schedule a date and he is always too busy, but when I see him at work he is always checking me out and smiling... when I told him after a few rejections if he isn't interested to tell me so I don't feel like an ass all he said was I guess I'll let you know if I wanna hang out. I know he's shy, but the mixed signals are driving me crazy.... How do I take that, and what should my next step be? I am so scared of coming off too pushy or saying the wrong things... I really like him and want to hang out ohh did I mention I have a son and I think that may of freaked him out, I don't know....HELP ME
VictorM's advice:
Mia, there are no mixed signals. This guy may very well like you, find you amusing and pretty, and yet just want to be friendly with you! Why are you assuming that just because he looks at you and smiles he'll want to go out? It seems to me he's been very clear that he's not interested in you in the same way you are in him.
When he told you he'll let you know if he wants to hang out, he means he's not interested in hanging out with you. That's not much of a hidden clue; it's as clear as day.
You're his coworker. Behave like one and stop asking him out. Maybe keeping his job is more important than a date with you.
Is it wrong to like somebody right after a break-up?
Milla, 17, from Virginia, asks:
Hi Vic! First let me congratulate you for giving advice to girls, a guy's point of view is very valuable sometimes. I'm sure you get the same stories over and over again, but I just want to know what do you think. There's this guy at school I've known for a year, we had talked before, but we weren't really close friends, until two months ago when we started talking more. The problem is that he liked someone else, and I had a boyfriend (I broke up with him a month ago) and I always just thought of him as a friend, until recently when I started hanging out with him more. I really was only looking for a friend, because after I broke up with my ex the last thing I wanted was a boyfriend. This guy is making this very hard for me, because he's very sweet to me, and he keeps doing these things that make me think that maybe he likes me more than a friend. At school he always looks for me and hugs me for whatever reason and sometimes he plays with my hands and my hair. One day a male friend of mine was being rude to me, and he said to him 'don't talk to her like that', and in another occasion he was walking with his friends after playing soccer, he stopped to talk to me, even though his buddies kept walking!! Just yesterday I was talking to him on msn, he told me I was fun to talk to and hang out with, I just don't know if he wants to be a very good friend to me, or there's something else, it would really help me if you tell me what do you think. And if he does like me, would it be really wrong if I liked him back, after that I broke up just recently?
VictorM's advice:
Thanks for your kind words.
It doesn't matter when you broke-up, all that matters is if you like him. If you were much older and had been in a relationship for years, maybe you'd want to take it easy, but at your age, go for it.
I think the boy likes but as you can see by his language, he wants to start friendly and build from there. Go with the flow and enjoy his company. If it leads to more than just friends, great. If it doesn't, you would have had a fun time and a good friend. Either way, you don't lose.
I just hope you don't go all girly on him and start talking about wedding arrangements already. Girls can be so impatient and ask the most irritating questions about the future and committed relationships. Don't be one of those.
Hi Vic! First let me congratulate you for giving advice to girls, a guy's point of view is very valuable sometimes. I'm sure you get the same stories over and over again, but I just want to know what do you think. There's this guy at school I've known for a year, we had talked before, but we weren't really close friends, until two months ago when we started talking more. The problem is that he liked someone else, and I had a boyfriend (I broke up with him a month ago) and I always just thought of him as a friend, until recently when I started hanging out with him more. I really was only looking for a friend, because after I broke up with my ex the last thing I wanted was a boyfriend. This guy is making this very hard for me, because he's very sweet to me, and he keeps doing these things that make me think that maybe he likes me more than a friend. At school he always looks for me and hugs me for whatever reason and sometimes he plays with my hands and my hair. One day a male friend of mine was being rude to me, and he said to him 'don't talk to her like that', and in another occasion he was walking with his friends after playing soccer, he stopped to talk to me, even though his buddies kept walking!! Just yesterday I was talking to him on msn, he told me I was fun to talk to and hang out with, I just don't know if he wants to be a very good friend to me, or there's something else, it would really help me if you tell me what do you think. And if he does like me, would it be really wrong if I liked him back, after that I broke up just recently?
VictorM's advice:
Thanks for your kind words.
It doesn't matter when you broke-up, all that matters is if you like him. If you were much older and had been in a relationship for years, maybe you'd want to take it easy, but at your age, go for it.
I think the boy likes but as you can see by his language, he wants to start friendly and build from there. Go with the flow and enjoy his company. If it leads to more than just friends, great. If it doesn't, you would have had a fun time and a good friend. Either way, you don't lose.
I just hope you don't go all girly on him and start talking about wedding arrangements already. Girls can be so impatient and ask the most irritating questions about the future and committed relationships. Don't be one of those.
Monday, September 03, 2007
He calls her in the middle of the night
Samantha, 25, from FL, asks:
Hey Victor, I wrote you the other day about a guy I like that won't stop calling me in the middle of the night even though he has a girlfriend. Thanks for the advice, it seems to be working. He hasn't worked with me in awhile so I haven't seen him. He called me the other night a couple of times, and I called him back a couple hours later, and he said, "I called you hours ago". He seemed upset. He also called me twice the night after, and I ignored his call and didn't call him back. So I have another question. You told me not to be mean to him....I don't see him anymore at work, and I don't want to blow him off everytime he calls. Should I just keep doing what I am doing, but take his calls every once in a while? Also, when I don't answer his calls he'll ask me what I was doing. Why does he care so much? I'm ready to tell him I was out with another guy. I want him to desire me (like you said), but I don't want to blow him off. Thanks fo all the advice...
VictorM's advice:
Lying is a bad idea. Don't tell him about being with another guy if that's not true. But Samantha, this guy calls at all kinds of hours, gets upset that you didn't call back right away, asks what you were doing? Come on, can you say A-S-S-H-O-L-E!?!? This guy doesn't care so much as you seem to think; he does those things because he's a jerk!
Frankly, I have no idea why you want him to desire you. He's an annoying pest. Do yourself a favor -- blow him off!
Hey Victor, I wrote you the other day about a guy I like that won't stop calling me in the middle of the night even though he has a girlfriend. Thanks for the advice, it seems to be working. He hasn't worked with me in awhile so I haven't seen him. He called me the other night a couple of times, and I called him back a couple hours later, and he said, "I called you hours ago". He seemed upset. He also called me twice the night after, and I ignored his call and didn't call him back. So I have another question. You told me not to be mean to him....I don't see him anymore at work, and I don't want to blow him off everytime he calls. Should I just keep doing what I am doing, but take his calls every once in a while? Also, when I don't answer his calls he'll ask me what I was doing. Why does he care so much? I'm ready to tell him I was out with another guy. I want him to desire me (like you said), but I don't want to blow him off. Thanks fo all the advice...
VictorM's advice:
Lying is a bad idea. Don't tell him about being with another guy if that's not true. But Samantha, this guy calls at all kinds of hours, gets upset that you didn't call back right away, asks what you were doing? Come on, can you say A-S-S-H-O-L-E!?!? This guy doesn't care so much as you seem to think; he does those things because he's a jerk!
Frankly, I have no idea why you want him to desire you. He's an annoying pest. Do yourself a favor -- blow him off!
She's convinced she'll never find love
Loveless, 17, from nowhere, asks:
I'm 17 and I'm pretty convinced that I will never find love. I know what you're thinking, "you're only 17! You have your whole life ahead of you to look for love!" but does that really matter? In 17 years of being alive, and the 5-6 years of starting to like boys, I have NEVER had a boyfriend. I've never had a guy like me (and I'm sure of that), never been kissed, never been loved in that way. But I have so much love that I want to give! But I know love will never come. First of all, my personality sucks (believe me, it makes more enemies than friends, and I act quiet and submissive to avoid making enemies with my true self, which is loud, sarcastic, and often times stubborn and "I don't give a crap"), and second, I'm just plain old ugly! It's not that I have low self esteem, but really, I'm seriously ugly! I'm overweight and I have bad skin and just ugly facial features, really... and even if a guy did like my personality, he'd: 1) have to be crazy, or 2) he'd just think I was too ugly for girlfriend material! But back to the point; if in 17 years I've never been loved, who's to say that I'll find love in my next 17 years? Or the next 17 after that? I mean, especially being a girl... guys don't give a shit about a girl unless they're "hot", and any other girl is just put on earth to make fun of and to never ever date, and to be booty calls when guys are desperate!!!!!! and don't tell me there's someone out there for everyone, because I know that it isn't true! What about that crazy cat lady who smells like cabbages? Where's her soulmate, huh? lol, sorry, but really! What if this one time, there's no one out there? oh, and by the way, my personality really does suck... lets just say I don't fall into the "Ugly, but REALLY nice" category, okay? I'm pretty sure I'll never find love....please tell me, is love just a lost cause for me? Or should I continue to hurt myself over wondering when I'll find a guy???? sorry my question's so long...lol.
VictorM's advice:
You're really ugly and you have a rotten personality. I get it. And you also think you're brighter than you really are. This question: "if in 17 years I've never been loved, who's to say that I'll find love in my next 17 years?" is just plain dumb! Are you kidding me? If you're going to find love it will most certainly happen in the next 17 years, not the first 17.
Could you find love? Of course. How do I know? Because there's a sucker born every minute. Don't believe me? Go to a shopping mall. Sit there for a while and witness how many incredibly ugly women walk by with a man. I see it all the time. There are tons of men with terrible taste, and you'll find your guy, for sure.
You seem proud of your personality. You shouldn't be. Work on it.
I'm 17 and I'm pretty convinced that I will never find love. I know what you're thinking, "you're only 17! You have your whole life ahead of you to look for love!" but does that really matter? In 17 years of being alive, and the 5-6 years of starting to like boys, I have NEVER had a boyfriend. I've never had a guy like me (and I'm sure of that), never been kissed, never been loved in that way. But I have so much love that I want to give! But I know love will never come. First of all, my personality sucks (believe me, it makes more enemies than friends, and I act quiet and submissive to avoid making enemies with my true self, which is loud, sarcastic, and often times stubborn and "I don't give a crap"), and second, I'm just plain old ugly! It's not that I have low self esteem, but really, I'm seriously ugly! I'm overweight and I have bad skin and just ugly facial features, really... and even if a guy did like my personality, he'd: 1) have to be crazy, or 2) he'd just think I was too ugly for girlfriend material! But back to the point; if in 17 years I've never been loved, who's to say that I'll find love in my next 17 years? Or the next 17 after that? I mean, especially being a girl... guys don't give a shit about a girl unless they're "hot", and any other girl is just put on earth to make fun of and to never ever date, and to be booty calls when guys are desperate!!!!!! and don't tell me there's someone out there for everyone, because I know that it isn't true! What about that crazy cat lady who smells like cabbages? Where's her soulmate, huh? lol, sorry, but really! What if this one time, there's no one out there? oh, and by the way, my personality really does suck... lets just say I don't fall into the "Ugly, but REALLY nice" category, okay? I'm pretty sure I'll never find love....please tell me, is love just a lost cause for me? Or should I continue to hurt myself over wondering when I'll find a guy???? sorry my question's so long...lol.
VictorM's advice:
You're really ugly and you have a rotten personality. I get it. And you also think you're brighter than you really are. This question: "if in 17 years I've never been loved, who's to say that I'll find love in my next 17 years?" is just plain dumb! Are you kidding me? If you're going to find love it will most certainly happen in the next 17 years, not the first 17.
Could you find love? Of course. How do I know? Because there's a sucker born every minute. Don't believe me? Go to a shopping mall. Sit there for a while and witness how many incredibly ugly women walk by with a man. I see it all the time. There are tons of men with terrible taste, and you'll find your guy, for sure.
You seem proud of your personality. You shouldn't be. Work on it.
He broke-up with her because they argued too much
Lauren, 23, from Wisconsin, asks:
My boyfriend of a year and a half and I recently broke up mainly because we had been arguing too much. I talked to him a few days after the break up and apologized for taking him for granted the past few months and if he wanted to start over I'd be willing to work on things. He said he was just confused and not sure if I'm the right girl for him. So I decided to let him have his space to figure things out by not contacting him. However he still calls me all the time and wants to hang out on his days off. The times we have hung out he still acts like we are together but whenever I ask if he figured things out yet he says no. It's been almost a month now and I don't know what to do anymore. Should I continue answering his calls? I just don't want to lose him, but I just feel like he hasn't made any progress in his decision.
VictorM's advice:
What will happen if you are officially a couple again? More than likely a return to past behavior. Frankly, I doubt you'll change that easily. I'm sure he knows that. You can't just say you'll change and presto! you've changed. If it was that easy, why didn't you do it before he broke-up with you?
You say you don't want to lose him, but I'm afraid you already did. You think he's entering back into your life but in reality, he's exiting it. It's just that he's getting over you slowly, without it being cold turkey.
It's time to tell him that the option to be a couple is not just his. You're entitled to go on with your life. Either you're a couple again or you're not. Either way, you need to know. If you let it, the current situation could go on for a lifetime, or until he finds another. He's getting the pleasure of your good side and avoiding your dark side. Can't say that I blame him. But unless you force it, be prepared for much of the same until he drops you altogether.
My boyfriend of a year and a half and I recently broke up mainly because we had been arguing too much. I talked to him a few days after the break up and apologized for taking him for granted the past few months and if he wanted to start over I'd be willing to work on things. He said he was just confused and not sure if I'm the right girl for him. So I decided to let him have his space to figure things out by not contacting him. However he still calls me all the time and wants to hang out on his days off. The times we have hung out he still acts like we are together but whenever I ask if he figured things out yet he says no. It's been almost a month now and I don't know what to do anymore. Should I continue answering his calls? I just don't want to lose him, but I just feel like he hasn't made any progress in his decision.
VictorM's advice:
What will happen if you are officially a couple again? More than likely a return to past behavior. Frankly, I doubt you'll change that easily. I'm sure he knows that. You can't just say you'll change and presto! you've changed. If it was that easy, why didn't you do it before he broke-up with you?
You say you don't want to lose him, but I'm afraid you already did. You think he's entering back into your life but in reality, he's exiting it. It's just that he's getting over you slowly, without it being cold turkey.
It's time to tell him that the option to be a couple is not just his. You're entitled to go on with your life. Either you're a couple again or you're not. Either way, you need to know. If you let it, the current situation could go on for a lifetime, or until he finds another. He's getting the pleasure of your good side and avoiding your dark side. Can't say that I blame him. But unless you force it, be prepared for much of the same until he drops you altogether.
She feels like her heart is in a trash compactor
Ace, 19, asks:
My boyfriend of two years and I recently got a house together and I thought we were on our way to a happy life together. We have talked about marriage and he says he loves me... He has been lying to me a lot lately. He knew when we started this relationship that I didn't want him to look at any porn. It bothers me. He said that was fine and he promised not to do that... Well after several times getting caught and trying to cover it up, I asked him why he wouldn't just come to me if he wanted something... He said, "it just doesn't work that way." I told him I was considering leaving after this happened over and over because I can't be with someone who is lying to me on a daily basis. He also says he can't stand my depression, but he's often just as moody as I am. He still wants to have sex and he still says he loves me, but when I asked him if he wanted to try and make our relationship work, he said. "I don't know... hey, go ask your friend about that room you want to move into..." I feel like my heart is in a trash compactor... Does he really love me, or has this devolved into simple lust? Should I try to make this work?
Help....
Ace
VictorM's advice:
Of course you should try to make it work. The question is, will you be looking for solutions or for problems?
He complains about your depression and you claim he's also moody. That's childish! Grow-up and deal with your depression or with his perception of it.
He watches porn and you say you "asked him why he wouldn't just come to me if he wanted something." Are you freaking kidding me? You are so off on why men watch porn it's not even funny. If he wants to watch porn, why should he come to you? Watching porn is a totally different experience than having sex with your lover. I'm not saying your distaste for porn is not justified but you: 1) are totally off on what porn means to guys, and 2) are treating him like he's your 13 year old son.
As for his reply about you looking for a room, that sounds just like desperation on his part. I doubt he means it. You shouldn't hang on the words of a guy who is upset at you.
Focus on the positives you guys have going for yourselves, give him some slack about stuff that in the scheme of things don't really matter too much (like him watching some porn here and there), and stop complicating your life over trivial stuff.
My boyfriend of two years and I recently got a house together and I thought we were on our way to a happy life together. We have talked about marriage and he says he loves me... He has been lying to me a lot lately. He knew when we started this relationship that I didn't want him to look at any porn. It bothers me. He said that was fine and he promised not to do that... Well after several times getting caught and trying to cover it up, I asked him why he wouldn't just come to me if he wanted something... He said, "it just doesn't work that way." I told him I was considering leaving after this happened over and over because I can't be with someone who is lying to me on a daily basis. He also says he can't stand my depression, but he's often just as moody as I am. He still wants to have sex and he still says he loves me, but when I asked him if he wanted to try and make our relationship work, he said. "I don't know... hey, go ask your friend about that room you want to move into..." I feel like my heart is in a trash compactor... Does he really love me, or has this devolved into simple lust? Should I try to make this work?
Help....
Ace
VictorM's advice:
Of course you should try to make it work. The question is, will you be looking for solutions or for problems?
He complains about your depression and you claim he's also moody. That's childish! Grow-up and deal with your depression or with his perception of it.
He watches porn and you say you "asked him why he wouldn't just come to me if he wanted something." Are you freaking kidding me? You are so off on why men watch porn it's not even funny. If he wants to watch porn, why should he come to you? Watching porn is a totally different experience than having sex with your lover. I'm not saying your distaste for porn is not justified but you: 1) are totally off on what porn means to guys, and 2) are treating him like he's your 13 year old son.
As for his reply about you looking for a room, that sounds just like desperation on his part. I doubt he means it. You shouldn't hang on the words of a guy who is upset at you.
Focus on the positives you guys have going for yourselves, give him some slack about stuff that in the scheme of things don't really matter too much (like him watching some porn here and there), and stop complicating your life over trivial stuff.
Kate has a small problem
Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:
Hey VictorM! Long time no speak. I have a small problem: I think I'm falling for my best guy friend. Everyone knows he likes me, but until very recently, I've only liked him as a friend. Now I think I might have fallen for him. Should I ask him out, or would that really ruin or friendship? In this situation, my friendship with him is the most important thing.
Thanks,
Kate
VictorM's advice:
Kate, there are about 3 or so billion males on the planet. At this pace you're going to like each one before you have a driver's license. :-p (just kidding, just kidding)
Come on Kate, you must have read this page enough to know that asking a boy out, specially around your age, will backfire. Boys need to court you, seduce you, and win you over so that they can brag about it.
Keep it friendly, spend time with him, drive him mad with your wit, charm, and radiant personality, but let him chase you.
Hey VictorM! Long time no speak. I have a small problem: I think I'm falling for my best guy friend. Everyone knows he likes me, but until very recently, I've only liked him as a friend. Now I think I might have fallen for him. Should I ask him out, or would that really ruin or friendship? In this situation, my friendship with him is the most important thing.
Thanks,
Kate
VictorM's advice:
Kate, there are about 3 or so billion males on the planet. At this pace you're going to like each one before you have a driver's license. :-p (just kidding, just kidding)
Come on Kate, you must have read this page enough to know that asking a boy out, specially around your age, will backfire. Boys need to court you, seduce you, and win you over so that they can brag about it.
Keep it friendly, spend time with him, drive him mad with your wit, charm, and radiant personality, but let him chase you.
She seems to always pick the wrong guys
Ria, 33, from Wisconsin, asks:
I seem to pick the wrong guys in my life. I met someone he works at the place I pick up my food. He actually asked me for my name this started back in April. I was almost like stuttering when I told him my name. He is getting a divorced and has 3 kids all under 8. Our flirting was getting out of hand so my girlfriend gave him my business card and said I am tired of you too yapping call her on your own time. He talked to me a couple of days later saying he was going through a divorce and now is not the perfect time. Though he made hints and touches my arm when he pass me and once in awhile he will sit on my lap to say hey Because I always sit on the end. I sometimes avoided saying hi to him because I didn't want him to think I liked him. Anyway now I am leaving my job and I have a heart that is bigger then the world. I bought 4 dvd for his kids and popcorn. In the card I said I enjoyed listening hearing you speak about your children. I was being sarcastic when I said here is a penny you can buy yourself lunch. I said maybe by 9/14 you could save your money and buy me a dinner. He didn't let me pay for my lunch and he came over and asked for my number since he misplaced it. Anyway my question: does he like me at all? Today was my last day and I said my goodbye. And he said 9/14, I said maybe. I walked away from him. I lost my fiance on 9/11 I just haven't dated since. I know, too much information. I just don't know if he is a flirt or he does like me a little.
VictorM's advice:
Obviously he likes you. The question is, does he like you enough? You don't know that, I don't know it, and there's a good chance he doesn't know either. Not yet anyway.
The man is going through a divorce. He let you know that "now is not a good time" and with good reason. Who knows what the issues in his marriage were. Who knows how he feels about his ex.
There's a natural desire to be liked by women so as to show the world, and himself, that he's OK, that he can get females interested in him. I wouldn't be surprised if he flirts with other women as well. It's a natural healing process.
I would not assume he wants to hook-up with anyone based on flirting. Besides, wondering about his disposition for a relationship this soon seems premature.
Don't lose contact with him but do open yourself to dating other wrong guys.
I seem to pick the wrong guys in my life. I met someone he works at the place I pick up my food. He actually asked me for my name this started back in April. I was almost like stuttering when I told him my name. He is getting a divorced and has 3 kids all under 8. Our flirting was getting out of hand so my girlfriend gave him my business card and said I am tired of you too yapping call her on your own time. He talked to me a couple of days later saying he was going through a divorce and now is not the perfect time. Though he made hints and touches my arm when he pass me and once in awhile he will sit on my lap to say hey Because I always sit on the end. I sometimes avoided saying hi to him because I didn't want him to think I liked him. Anyway now I am leaving my job and I have a heart that is bigger then the world. I bought 4 dvd for his kids and popcorn. In the card I said I enjoyed listening hearing you speak about your children. I was being sarcastic when I said here is a penny you can buy yourself lunch. I said maybe by 9/14 you could save your money and buy me a dinner. He didn't let me pay for my lunch and he came over and asked for my number since he misplaced it. Anyway my question: does he like me at all? Today was my last day and I said my goodbye. And he said 9/14, I said maybe. I walked away from him. I lost my fiance on 9/11 I just haven't dated since. I know, too much information. I just don't know if he is a flirt or he does like me a little.
VictorM's advice:
Obviously he likes you. The question is, does he like you enough? You don't know that, I don't know it, and there's a good chance he doesn't know either. Not yet anyway.
The man is going through a divorce. He let you know that "now is not a good time" and with good reason. Who knows what the issues in his marriage were. Who knows how he feels about his ex.
There's a natural desire to be liked by women so as to show the world, and himself, that he's OK, that he can get females interested in him. I wouldn't be surprised if he flirts with other women as well. It's a natural healing process.
I would not assume he wants to hook-up with anyone based on flirting. Besides, wondering about his disposition for a relationship this soon seems premature.
Don't lose contact with him but do open yourself to dating other wrong guys.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
What to tell a guy when you don't feel it anymore?
Bianca, 14, asks:
What do you do when your boyfriend says he loves you and you love him back but when you haven't seen him for about 2 months and when he comes back he says I love you but you don't love him much as you did before, what do you say when he says that but you don't feel the same? Lie? Say thanks?
VictorM's advice:
Don't lie. It's possible that your feelings for him will heat up again now that he's back. Give yourself a bit of time to see how that goes. Meanwhile, if you don't feel love for him, don't say you love him. You can stay quiet or say something like "you're sweet", or some nonsense like that just to buy yourself some time to see how you feel.
What do you do when your boyfriend says he loves you and you love him back but when you haven't seen him for about 2 months and when he comes back he says I love you but you don't love him much as you did before, what do you say when he says that but you don't feel the same? Lie? Say thanks?
VictorM's advice:
Don't lie. It's possible that your feelings for him will heat up again now that he's back. Give yourself a bit of time to see how that goes. Meanwhile, if you don't feel love for him, don't say you love him. You can stay quiet or say something like "you're sweet", or some nonsense like that just to buy yourself some time to see how you feel.
Too goody-two-shoes for dating
Lily, 18, from Arizona, asks:
Dear Victor, I'm afraid I'm too goody-two-shoes for dating. It's true, I do like to clean, and to bake cookies, and to wear skirts, even though most of my friends are guys. It seems that they all want to be my older brothers, somehow. I try to get the message across that I'm an actual girl their age who might be interested in them, but they seem to overlook that.
VictorM's advice:
You sound like a great homemaker and a good mom type. Unfortunately, very few boys around your age are thinking that far. They're out for fun but you send serious signals.
You should be eying boys outside your circle of friends to date. And hike those skirts up a little.
Dear Victor, I'm afraid I'm too goody-two-shoes for dating. It's true, I do like to clean, and to bake cookies, and to wear skirts, even though most of my friends are guys. It seems that they all want to be my older brothers, somehow. I try to get the message across that I'm an actual girl their age who might be interested in them, but they seem to overlook that.
VictorM's advice:
You sound like a great homemaker and a good mom type. Unfortunately, very few boys around your age are thinking that far. They're out for fun but you send serious signals.
You should be eying boys outside your circle of friends to date. And hike those skirts up a little.
The same crush on the same guy for two years
Jackie, 18, from California, asks:
I've had the same crush on the same guy for two years. He's wonderful; attractive, optimistic, funny, intelligent, and outgoing. We talk and hang out a lot, and twice I've admitted my feelings for him. The first time, he said he already knew, and that even though he was very attracted to me, he didn't return them. And the second, he said that he did really like me, but we were too different to work it out. We do cuddle a lot, though I've never let him kiss me, but I'm so confused. Why is he being so negative about this when he's so optimistic about everything else???
VictorM's advice:
"Twice I've admitted my feelings for him." That's the problem. You're not a challenge and he can have you anytime he wants to. That makes you much less appealing.
I've had the same crush on the same guy for two years. He's wonderful; attractive, optimistic, funny, intelligent, and outgoing. We talk and hang out a lot, and twice I've admitted my feelings for him. The first time, he said he already knew, and that even though he was very attracted to me, he didn't return them. And the second, he said that he did really like me, but we were too different to work it out. We do cuddle a lot, though I've never let him kiss me, but I'm so confused. Why is he being so negative about this when he's so optimistic about everything else???
VictorM's advice:
"Twice I've admitted my feelings for him." That's the problem. You're not a challenge and he can have you anytime he wants to. That makes you much less appealing.
It's been 4 days and he hasn't called
julie, 34, from minnesota, asks:
I met a guy on a dating website. We emailed a few times, spoke twice on the phone and then met the other day. During the date, he kept talking about how compatible we were, and at the end of the date we hugged and he asked me if I wanted to go out again. We live about 4 hours apart, and he said he would be willing to drive to meet again. Now, it's been 4 days and he hasn't called. He seemed interested, but now I don't know what to think. Should I contact him or just wait?
VictorM's advice:
If he still hasn't called, you have nothing to lose by calling him, but be aware that you're more than likely than not to hear lies. If he hasn't called it's because he lost interest. Yes, it's possible that on the night of your date he was excited about you but the next day he wasn't so sure. Add to that the 4 hours difference and I'd say he came to his senses.
I met a guy on a dating website. We emailed a few times, spoke twice on the phone and then met the other day. During the date, he kept talking about how compatible we were, and at the end of the date we hugged and he asked me if I wanted to go out again. We live about 4 hours apart, and he said he would be willing to drive to meet again. Now, it's been 4 days and he hasn't called. He seemed interested, but now I don't know what to think. Should I contact him or just wait?
VictorM's advice:
If he still hasn't called, you have nothing to lose by calling him, but be aware that you're more than likely than not to hear lies. If he hasn't called it's because he lost interest. Yes, it's possible that on the night of your date he was excited about you but the next day he wasn't so sure. Add to that the 4 hours difference and I'd say he came to his senses.
They both take Chinese classes
Ruth, 21, from DeKalb, IL asks:
I really like this guy on my floor. I think that he might be interested in me as well. We both take Chinese and my class is after his in the same room. The other day even thought I did not see him leave the room he stopped long enough to give me a high five. He also remembered what I said as he was walking away and repeated what said later that night when I saw him which was dinner. He stopped me and one roommate heading down to get dinner. Then today he stopped by my room and asked me to join him and a mutual friend for dinner. Could this all be signs that he likes me? My roommate has even said to me that she thought he liked me even before I told her that I was interested in him.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, he likes you. A guy wouldn't go through all that unless he liked you.
I really like this guy on my floor. I think that he might be interested in me as well. We both take Chinese and my class is after his in the same room. The other day even thought I did not see him leave the room he stopped long enough to give me a high five. He also remembered what I said as he was walking away and repeated what said later that night when I saw him which was dinner. He stopped me and one roommate heading down to get dinner. Then today he stopped by my room and asked me to join him and a mutual friend for dinner. Could this all be signs that he likes me? My roommate has even said to me that she thought he liked me even before I told her that I was interested in him.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, he likes you. A guy wouldn't go through all that unless he liked you.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
She's the only normal person he's ever dated
Marg, 17, from Canada asks:
My ex-boyfriend and I have remained friends (he broke up with me due to a lack of seeing each other) and he is now telling me that I'm the only normal or relatively normal person he has ever dated. Today I met up with him just to hang and he kissed me, I didn't tell him off and we ended up kissing a few more times. Right now as it stands he is clearly interested in me and has made vocalizations about this and knows that I'm not going to put out for sex - but we are not anything more than we were this morning.
I don't know whether or not I am interested in him fully and what is he thinking?
VictorM's advice:
You couldn't see each other enough and that led to the break-up. So what has changed that would produce different results this time? Probably nothing, right? I just think he's forgetting that for a little while because he still likes you, but I suspect the same problems you had before would resurface.
He's not thinking, he's just hoping things could be different. After all, it's not easy finding a girl who is normal. :) You'll continue to be nothing more than you were in the morning, but hey, if he can spend a few minutes with you and steal a few kisses, it's better than nothing.
My ex-boyfriend and I have remained friends (he broke up with me due to a lack of seeing each other) and he is now telling me that I'm the only normal or relatively normal person he has ever dated. Today I met up with him just to hang and he kissed me, I didn't tell him off and we ended up kissing a few more times. Right now as it stands he is clearly interested in me and has made vocalizations about this and knows that I'm not going to put out for sex - but we are not anything more than we were this morning.
I don't know whether or not I am interested in him fully and what is he thinking?
VictorM's advice:
You couldn't see each other enough and that led to the break-up. So what has changed that would produce different results this time? Probably nothing, right? I just think he's forgetting that for a little while because he still likes you, but I suspect the same problems you had before would resurface.
He's not thinking, he's just hoping things could be different. After all, it's not easy finding a girl who is normal. :) You'll continue to be nothing more than you were in the morning, but hey, if he can spend a few minutes with you and steal a few kisses, it's better than nothing.
