Anne, 24, from Cleveland, Ohio asks:

I have been dating a guy for over a year now. We were friends first. Over the last couple months we were talking about marriage. He would talk about it and then back peddle..I was getting frustrated. It all came to a climax about 3 weeks ago. I got angry with his behavior and said that I wanted a week to come back to the reality that we weren't getting married right now. He got upset and in return says that he needs space too. I have tried to talk to him about getting back together, he insists that there is something wrong and that he needs to take time to look at him. He says that we were conceptualizing marriage and we couldn't just try and date casually because that's not where we were. There is no one else in the picture (with him or me). We still have some contact-every couple days. When we do talk they are 3 hour conversations part talking about the unresolved issues and part on how much he misses me and I miss him. I am not sure what he is doing. If I call he responds-not avoiding me, but won't initiate the furthering of our relationship. He told me he hopes to figure it out soon. Does this sound like I have any hope? Did he just get scared? Please help!!!

VictorM's advice:

Marriage is a scarier proposition for guys than for girls. To many girls marriage is about a pretty dress, the right bridesmaids, and a memorable day. To guys it is the rest of their lives and the responsibility to support a family. Big difference.

His "back peddling" as you called it, was probably just the actions of a man who took that decision very seriously and wanted to make sure he was totally behind it before going ahead with it. What to him was proper consideration to you was ambivalence. He was expecting you to be a partner to deliberate this major decision with caution but instead your contribution was anger. Boy, talk about putting the brakes when he was already moving cautiously.

I don't think you scared him; I think you gave him a peek at what serious decision making is with you and he didn't like it. He was looking to make sure you were the right partner and you behave like an impatient authority figure instead.

He misses the girl he was considering marrying but he's not so sure you're that girl anymore. His 3 hour long calls are an attempt to reconcile the difference between the girl in the past that he so enjoyed and the too-eager woman he does not want. He doesn't want to give up the former, he doesn't want the latter. What he's doing is the same thing he was doing about marriage -- evaluating things carefully.

Accept it: your boyfriend is a cautious man that considers his future very carefully. This is not a matter of hoping; it's a matter of recognizing his careful decision making and atoning for your impatience about a decision that is till death do you part.

Sarah, 17, asks:

I was seeing a guy for 2 months, and we broke up for 2 reasons: 1. He didn't want to go to college in a relationship, and 2. I wouldn't have sex with him.

I really like him though, and what makes it even harder... we have the same group of friends.

A friend of mine scumbagged me and we are no longer talking. She has been calling my ex non-stop. She is very afraid of me. Tonight was the first night our group spent time together and I was going to kill her. I told our mutual girlfriend to keep her in check, and she tried. My ex is a spiteful guy, and he flirts with my friends to get me mad. He can't get over the fact that I met someone new the day after we ended it. That person is someone I am not with, but my ex has no idea.

I still like him. A lot. I don't show that it bothers me when he flirts with my friends, but it really does. I do not know what to do anymore or how to act. I want him for myself, or I want him to stop being spiteful and just admit he still has strong feelings for me like I do for him. This girl that he is flirting with is a slut and a druggie. Something he never goes for. We are both complete opposites of her. We come from conservative families and he loved the fact that I am not slut or a druggie.

The sad part is, while all of this is happening, his best friend from a different country is rubbing my leg under the covers. I hate it. I don't want anyone but him.

What do I do?

VictorM's advice:

Let's see, he's going to college and doesn't want a relationship with you. There's nothing you can do about that. He wants sex with you but you're not ready. But even if you had sex with him it wouldn't change reason number one. So no matter how you slice it, no matter what feelings he may still have for you, he's ready to move on.

You want him to admit he has strong feelings for you. Why? First, there's a very good chance that he doesn't feel that way about you, and second, what difference would it make? He's going away and wants to be free to chase the "sluts and druggies" (your words, not mine) that you think he doesn't. What, is the girl he's flirting with putting a gun to his head? No. He wants wilder girls and he knows he's going to find them in college. You think he doesn't want such girls but you're wrong. Don't believe me? Then tell me, why did you listed reason number two as a cause of the breakup?

Find another circle of friends until he's gone. And get over your illusion that he wants a girl like you -- he doesn't! Not yet anyway. And maybe you'll find out that being spiteful is not such a great quality in a guy.

Taylor, 16, asks:

I'm very easy going, especially around guys. There's a particular guy I'm interested in now who is 2 years older than me and has already graduated from high school. I confessed to him (after I pushed past my nerves) that I was beginning to care for him a lot.

He did say that he liked me, as well, but he "doesn't date" because he's been hurt too many times in the past. I understand this, but I can't help but wonder - is there a way to develop a relationship with a guy who's afraid to date anyone?

VictorM's advice:

"He doesn't date because he's been hurt too many times in the past" is just another way of saying: "He doesn't want to date you -- not yet anyway -- but doesn't want to hurt your feelings."

When you confessed you cared for him you skipped the more natural courtship period and tried to jump right in a relationship. That's scary stuff.

Lay off the confessions, bring it down a notch, do friendly stuff with him, make him feel good about himself around you and who knows, maybe after he knows you better he'll lose his "fear".

Jeannie, 14, from Georgia, asks:

My boyfriend is going to be in high school while I am still gonna be in 8th grade. I trust him but I'm not sure if I can trust the girls that he will meet in his freshman year. What can I do to make sure he doesn't cheat, etc?

VictorM's advice:

Nothing! Whether your boyfriend cheats or not has nothing to do with you; it's all about his values. It has nothing to do with how you dress, talk, kiss, check on him, treat him, love him, ignore him... it has NOTHING to do with you. If he's not happy with you he should leave you, if he's happy with you, he should respect himself and be faithful. You shouldn't even think about it.

Don't worry about the high school girls. There's nothing they can do if he has his values in place and nothing you can do if he doesn't.

Trust him. It's the surest way to find happiness in a relationship.

Sara, 24, from ca, asks:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we have just started to argue about spending more time together. I have started a new job and am extremely dedicated to the gym on a daily basis. This has now become a problem and he sees my gym time as time I would rather not be with him. He doesn't want me to NOT go... just cut back. I don't think that is fair because I am trying to reach goals. What do you think?

VictorM's advice:

I don't see how you can disagree with the statement that your personal goals are more important than your relationship with him. That's basically what he's saying and he's right. You think working on the relationship is unfair if it causes you to make adjustments.

I don't know about you, but most people are turned off by someone who is too self-centered. You sound the part.

I hope you learn the meaning of the words "balance" and "compromise", otherwise you're going to be learning the meaning of "goodbye".

April, 22, from Atl, asks:

Hey Vic! It's April again. I have another problem with the same guy. Here's what happened: After the situation that I told you about last time I took your advice and acted like it never happened and like you said things went back to normal. We also began to discuss a possible relationship in the near future and what type of foundation we want it built upon. Last Tuesday, he asked me on a date that was planned for the following day. We were supposed to be having a poolside picnic because I told him that is my dream date (cheesy, I know). Anyway, when Wednesday came he texted me about 3 hours before the date was supposed to happen and canceled because he is in night school and according to him his class got rescheduled for that night. Because of that he rescheduled the date for Friday. I thought that since he was thoughtful and sweet enough to remeber and try to give me my dream date, I would look really sexy for our date because he's only really seen me and jeans and a tshirt. So I missed school Friday and got my hair done, bought a dress, the whole nine yards. The night of the date he called an hour before we were supposed to go and cancelled again. This time he said it was because his bank card was demagnified so it couldn't be swiped to access any of his money, therefore he wouldn't have any money until the next morning when the bank opened. He had previously informed me that he had plans for the next day (Saturday), so when he said that we could go Saturday and I asked, "what about your plans", he said that he could cancel them. The same night (Friday) I suggested that since we weren't going to be able to go on the actual date and since I had put so much time and money into my apperance for him, could we watch a movie at his place. He said he didn't want to do that because he really wanted to take me out. I felt like he was lying so I texted him that I was going out with my friends instead. He told be to hold up for a few minutes so he see what he could make happen. I suggested he use his credit card, but he said it his business card. I didn't hear back from him for about 30 minutes, but when I did he called me and was angry. He said that I didn't "have his back" because I didn't offer to pay for the date. That made me upset because I felt like I shouldn't have to play for a date that was intended to be a dream date for ME and because I spent so much money on everything else that day, which he knew about because I informed him earlier in the day that I had a surprise for him and my makeover was the surprise. Anyway, I didn't hear from him until the next morning. I was at the mall so he said that he would come there to see me, but never showed up. Come to find out he went home and put a gate up. I didn't hear from him anymore that day until about 5 pm. He didn't even mention the date and when I brought it up, he said the had already told me he had plans, which the day before he said he could get out of. According to him, he had to watch his kids, but 2 days before he said he had to do something completely different. He wanted to reschedule again, but never said when. After the last situation that I wrote you about he advised me to communicate with him how I felt anytime, because of that I told him that I felt he was unthoughtful because he never considered all the effort that I put into my appearance for the date and never even came over to glance at me. He abrutly got off the phone with me and never called back. I was pissed and tired of all his excuses and rude behavior, so I sent him a email that basically said I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I felt that I was forseeing a future with him that would be full of broken promises and inconsideration, so I figured why not cut my loses now and not later. He sent me a text the next day saying that he was saddened and disappointed that things had to end so abrutly and that they didn't work out the way that he would have like them to. He also said that if it's meant to be maybe we will meet in the future and work things out. I just want to know if you think I was right and cutting him off now or was I over reacting? Sorry that this is so long:)

VictorM's advice:

April, you get a gold star for the day! You did the right thing ending it with him. You certainly got enough red flags from this guy, so why keep putting up with lies and dumb excuses? You deserve a guy that will give you the same attention that you give the guy.

What, he doesn't have any friends from whom he could have borrowed some money? And then coming back and blaming you for something you had no business doing? That's bullshit! Plus he's a liar.

You're the sexy, thoughtful, smart, romantic mighty April -- you deserve better. You will do better. There will always be pools and picnics, so your dream date just has to wait for the right partner.

Lee-ann, 13, from Namibia, asks:

I was wanting to know if this boy likes me. He's always smiling at me, calling me names, and makes fun of me often but he always flirts with my friends when he sees I'm around them.

VictorM's advice:

Yeah, sounds like he likes you because he wants your attention. But boys your age are discovering that girls are more than just icky humans, and they tend to like a few at a time. Changes are that he likes you but you're not the only one he likes. But the good news is, even if he doesn't like you now, wait a week; he'll probably like you then.

Janie, 22, from Atlanta, asks:

I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months now we get along great and we both enjoy each others company ...but...we haven't talked about where we stand with each other yet..we've told each other that we like each other but I sometimes get mixed feelings from him .. I know I should tell him how I feel and how I would like to be in a relationship with him. The problem is I'm scared of rejection. How should I go about this? Maybe jokingly say it or just be straight forward? Another one of my reasons for not bringing it up to him is that a month before we met he had just broken up with a girl he was seeing for about a year and some change! Help what to do?

VictorM's advice:

Don't bring it up yet. You're enjoying each other's company and have already expressed it to each other. As a girl you want the commitment but as a guy he wants to know you better before taking the next step.

You've been dating for 2 months, you like each other, and have said so. I'm betting that as far as he's concerned, you two are already in a relationship. But saying it formalizes things too much and too soon. He may just not be ready for that yet.

Strap your biological clock down with some duct tape and let things proceed nice and slow. And this way, you won't have to deal with rejection.

Christie, 37, from San Francisco, asks:

I am reeling from humiliation right now. On Saturday night after my boyfriend and I went to the grocery store to pick up snacks for an evening in, he announced that he would like me to start offering to pay for things. I am reeling because I had just bought lunch out that day and the dinner we had earlier in the week.

I know he is tight on money right now but I don't think this was appropriate. He is certainly entitled to his feelings but I don't know why he would block out how much I do pay.

Should I add that he makes four times as much as I do and has a tendency to buy very expensive things? I live accordingly to my budget which would never work for him.

I went to the ATM that night and took out as much money as I could. He wouldn't accept it claiming guilt but I left it anyway. I have not spoken to him since because I am just so offended.

Please tell me if I am being too sensitive here.

VictorM's advice:

Yes, you are being too sensitive. His remark, even if unfair based on how you pay for things, just shows he's willing to bring up something that's on his mind, while on the other hand you're talking about being "humiliated" and "offended". You're thinking pure cash, he's talking about manners.

Maybe he's looking to share expenses 50/50. Maybe he simply doesn't like you assuming he's going to pay? On the times when you have paid, did he offer to pay? Did he have some unexpected bill that day and was just overly grumpy about it? Was he simply frustrated with himself that he doesn't manage his money better? All of these, and many others, could be reasons for his request.

You had an opportunity to have a good discussion about how, as a couple, you two should handle money matters in the future so as not to cause problems, but instead you turned it into a war, throwing a tantrum, acting childish (by taking money from your ATM and giving it to him), and not talking to the guy since then. Even if his request was the dumbest and most unfair in the world -- and it's not -- shouldn't you be woman enough to just talk to the guy about the issue and resolve it? What's he to do next time he has something in his mind that he thinks you disagree with? Shut his mouth and let the problem fester, or does he bring it up expecting two adults to talk about it like adults?

Talk to the man, explain your viewpoint. If you still think he's wrong, say so and calmly tell him why. Maybe he'll agree with you, maybe not, but the money topic is of secondary importance compared to your inability to discuss it like a partner willing to exercise understanding and reach common ground.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

You can keep the change.

lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:

How do you get over someone quickly? I've broke up with my fiancee of 2 years and I don't want him or anything but I can't help but constantly feel down and sad, so sad even enough to cry every time I think about the past. I knew where I was going, what I was doing and now I have no idea.

VictorM's advice:

There are two ways to handle this. One way is to be a cold-hearted person who doesn't give a crap about things and therefore doesn't lose a minute of sleep over it. The other way is to be a loving person with dreams of happiness who feels crushed when her dreams aren't fulfilled. This kind of person comes with a tender heart and is vulnerable to pain.

Frankly, I much prefer the second type over the first. And I can tell so do you.

It takes time to get over someone you loved. But where you were headed hasn't changed. In fact, you broke up because you weren't headed there with this guy. You're not ending your journey, you're only pausing to get a new partner that shares that vision. It takes time to learn the lessons of the past before you can deal with the future with more confidence. And so until that happens, you cry, you feel sad, and you feel lost. If what you wanted wasn't painful to give up, even if temporarily, then what you wanted couldn't have been that precious. Feeling sad is confirmation that you were indeed after something worth while. In time, you will get back to the quest of finding a partner, even more sure of your destination, and more confident on your choice.

You don't get over someone quickly because doing so would cheapen what you stood for and would trivialize your dreams. Hurting reinforces their importance. Taking time to get over it reinforces that good people get wounded more deeply because they also love more deeply.

Accept your pain and sadness as necessary stages for you to find happiness again.

Lauren, 18, from Texas, asks:

I have an ex-boyfriend that I am still really close to, and sometimes he does things with other girls then tells me about it. He knows that I still have feelings for him. I don't understand why he tells me such hurtful things. I play it cool like it doesn't bother me but inside I'm crying. Is he just doing this to hurt me or is he doing it for some other reason?

VictorM's advice:

"I play it cool like it doesn't bother me"... hello!!! Jackpot! You play it like it doesn't bother you! So he tells you stuff because he thinks it doesn't bother you. Grow some balls and tell him it bothers you and that you don't want to hear anything about his girlfriends or you'll never talk to him again.

sandy, 30, from fl, asks:

My fiance was caught holding hands with a guy he works with while driving in the work vehicle. Could they possibly be just horsing off? He tells me he loves me but hardly spend any time with me and he said that one of his buddies was gonna be in our wedding and that he will look good in a tux. I have asked him if he's gay and he said I am not a faggot. And then he left. I haven't heard from him in days. Could it be that he is or he's just angry that I would think that? Please help.

VictorM's advice:

Holding hands with a coworker as joke? No way! Not very attentive with you? Denying being a "faggot" (this strong denial using such language is common with those fighting their sexuality), and storming off at your question? I can't be 100% sure, of course, but I would bet some real money that he is gay.

Even in the 21st century western world, being gay is still a great burden for many to bear. It's sad but it's the truth. He shouldn't have to take a test or be dragged over the coals for it. There are plenty of reasons to understand why such an admission is so difficult. However, from your side, you don't need concrete proof either. Sounds like you have enough information to determine his sexual preference. You are just having a difficult time accepting the reality.

You're not a court of law and he's not a criminal. Innocent until proven guilty does not apply here. Whatever your decision, I hope you have the wisdom to do what's best for you and the compassion to be a good friend to him.

Gabbi, 16, asks:

There is a guy who has my heart. I have never been in love, we didn't date, and he had me at hello. I met him when I transferred schools. Throughout the school year, he has been going from girlfriend to girlfriend, leaving me on the side as he friend who he never ever hangs out with outside of school. He once said that I am his "best friend" which is weird because we barely talk. Anyway when these girlfriends are gone I'm back in the picture, when they come back I barely hear from him. During this summer I saw him 3 times. The first was by accident and he picked me up and twirled me when he saw me. The 2nd was at my bbq party and the 3rd was the next day. He came to my house to watch a movie and during the movie he kept saying things like why don't you kiss me, cuddle with me, you're a chicken because you're not trying to get with me. When I did try to cuddle he's like NO! etc. Anyway, he eventually said he knows what's going on and how I feel about him, even if it's unsaid. I told him I love him (not specifying how), but I don't have a crush on him.

I know I can't be with him, because we drive each other crazy as friends and he's a player.

But that's not the point. He left his myspace logged on my computer, and when I read through his messages (I know I shouldn't have!) I realized he says whatever he needs to get what he wants.

1. How is he so slick and smooth? The way he talks..he never stutters.
2. How can he play each girl but I can't even keep my crush from him?
3. How do I stop being so tense when I am with guys I like and relax?
4. Is it all about experience?

VictorM's advice:

Some people are good at that sorta thing. It's not a school you go to or a matter of experience. Like athletic ability or singing talent, you can improve it but you have to be born with it.

Maybe he's smooth because he's doing something that feels natural and good. At his age, being a "player" is a subjective term. He may very well be attentive and complimentary to a lot of girls at the same time and actually mean it. The truth is, there are lots of attractive, smart, sexy, and very appealing girls and the notion that a guy should focus on only one is what is highly unnatural.

Maybe if you realize that liking boys, liking to get their attention, liking them to like you is a very natural thing you wouldn't be so tense. If you realize that you're not marrying them, you're not having their child, you just want some of their attention for a while, maybe you too can relax and enjoy.

Try doing some flirting and casual talking with guys you don't particularly care for. See how it feels. You probably will find out you can do that with guys you like. Just focus and getting their attention for a minute, one witty line or one flirty comment at a time. Then walk away in triumph. Repeat as the mood strikes you.

Stacey, 17, from New York, asks:

I wrote a letter to a guy I really like telling him that I would like to be FRIENDS. When he gave me a letter back, he wrote (and I quote), "I would like to be MORE THAN FRIENDS". Then I wrote him again and said I thought it was a great idea, if he really wanted to do it (go out, that is!). Well, the problem starts there... whenever I see him, he never looks at me in any special way, never talks to me or even says "Hi", and he acts normal when he's with his friends and he's suddenly all quiet when we're alone.. it makes me feel envious of his friends because he opens up to them and not me, and he hardly ever smiles at me unless I do it first! It's seriously like he's acting like he doesn't even know me, and it tears me up! I just want to kiss him and smack him at the same time! I wouldn't really call him shy-- I think moody would be a pretty okay description! Well, I want to know why he does this when he says he likes me... and do you think he wants me to make the first big move? I want to, but I'm afraid he'll push me away or get bitchy at me if I try to touch him!! Now THAT would really suck for me...oh, and he acts totally clueless whenever I'm flirting with him, and he doesn't flirt back! OY.....what is up with him? and what should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Stacey, boys around your age have an innate need to seek challenges and overcome them. Their testosterone is flowing at warped speed and they need to do stuff that enables them to metaphorically go to the top of the mountain and bang their chest as a sign of success (also known as bragging rights).

When he said he wanted more than friendship and you replied that it was a great idea, two things happened: 1) you gave him bragging rights without him having to lift a finger, and 2) you removed the challenge from his life. Hell, he's saying to himself, if Stacey was so easy, what about Sue, and Brooke, and Shaina... etc etc. He's after bragging rights, not a woman to marry. At his age, he may not even be after sex yet (too scary at this point, which is why he's avoiding your flirting -- he doesn't want to be in a situation he's not ready for yet). So, he's doing enough to keep you away because he has no interest in being more than friends with a girl who posed no challenge at all.

Will you taking the initiative work? Probably not. I think you have a better chance of success if you start ignoring him and making him wonder what's with you. That curiosity and your cold shoulder for a while may be enough to make you a challenge again. Don't be rude to him, just not too friendly.

Anna, 14, from somewhere, asks:

I REALLY like this boy. He's 2 years older than me. He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy. Literally. I'm a varsity cheerleader and he is a varsity football player. Everyone I know tells me that we would make a good couple and they think it's really sweet. I mean really, I really like him. I'm not the type to go out with just anybody so I haven't had a lot of boyfriends. I tense up really bad sometimes when I'm around guys. I don't know why. My brother and him are friends and I know his family and his sister and me are friends, and his cousin and me are like really good friends. PLEASE tell me what to do and say to him. I want to make this work so bad that it hurts. Really. I cry basically every time I think about it. What do I do?

VictorM's advice:

Do not let him know that you feel about him the way you do. Seek first to spend more time with him in friends-only situations, so that you can get to know him a bit better and he can relate to you some more.

In your case, it shouldn't be that hard to do. You have enough access to people who should know what he's into. Once you know that information, talk to him about topics he knows a lot about. There are few things a guy likes more than to impress people with what they know. And if he gets positive feed back, he'll kill to be around such people. You should try to be one of those people to him. Once he spends more time with you there is no guarantee he will want to be your boyfriend, but your odds vastly improve.

So, find out what he likes and show an interest on those topics. Give him simple, short, and sincere compliments, making sure to use his name. For example: "New shirt, Bill? Looks nice." "New haircut, Bill... I like it." Remember... simple, short, and sincere compliments. Oh, and smile.

Try to spend alone time with him without having to ask him out. For example, say: "Oh man, I so want to see [pick a new movie] but I hate to go alone." Notice there's no question. If he's interested, he'll volunteer to go with you. If not, well, you never asked, so you don't have to deal with rejection.

You actually cry about it? I mean, with real tears and all? How cute. :)

Emma, 19, asks:

Hey! Remember me? I'm back again. I stopped asking my boyfriend about what was happening when school started again. BUT HE BROKE UP WITH ME! No explanation whatsoever, he's even avoiding me. The thing about it is, he was fine and flirty ten minutes before this happened. He said he had felt weird around me for some time. Funny how during that time he continued to fool around with me and treat me like his girlfriend (really well actually). According to his friends he still likes me.

Today we worked a food stand together at an outdoor festival, and I did my best to ignore him (not avoid mind you-or cold shoulder...just steering clear to save myself too much pain). He kept touching my back, and I kept catching him staring at me. He still hasn't explained himself, and I really want him back (I don't know why?)....Can you help me? Or is it a lost cause?

VictorM's advice:

Emma, from Chicago, the one with the 17 year old boyfriend, right? I warned you in my last reply that "no matter what he says today, things could change tomorrow." And so now, they have.

You said last time: "I don't think he would be letting things get as serious as they are if he didn't really like me back." You were right, just your timing was off a bit. He stopped it because it was getting too serious. All along you wanted something far more serious than he was ready for. He was smart enough to recognize it.

The acting like you're still his girlfriend, touching your back, and looking at you are acts of sympathy, not romance. He knows you're hurting and he's doing what he thinks will ease the blow, not realizing it just makes things worse.

His friends are probably right the he likes you, as in he thinks you're a nice girl and he wishes you nothing but the best, but he's moved on as far as a romantic partnership with you is concerned. Basically, he likes you, just not enough.

He behaved honorably. It's not easy breaking up with someone you like, but he showed the courage to do it. So let him be. He's going back to the simpler life of high school sophomores and juniors, where he belongs. You're off to college where you'll have a lot more in common with the boys there. And there will be plenty of them. So toss the pacifier in the trash and spend your energies looking ahead, not looking back.

College can be boat loads of fun; prepare yourself to a world of possibilities and excitement.

Samantha, 25, from FL, asks:

I've been friends with this guy for a couple months now. We talk on the phone all the time and he shows an interest in things I like. Even if I tell him I like something that he doesn't next thing I know a couple weeks later he likes it too. I confessed my true feelings to him but he said we can't be more than friends because we work together. He didn't say anything about not liking me back. About a week later, he started to date an old girlfriend. I figured I wouldn't hear from him anymore, but it is just the opposite. He calls me after he drops her off from them hanging out together or on his way to pick her up. He even calls me to talk about nothing. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know he calls me because it is usually in the middle of the night. I am so confused if this guy has feelings for me or not. Is it possible that he likes me but because of our job he has decided to try to move on? I know that if it's meant to be it will, but I really like him and it's hard to be friends with him and hear him talk about her. Thanks for listening.

VictorM's advice:

You made the same mistake I very forcefully preach against on this site: you told him you like him; that's a no-no. When a girl does that in a situation such as yours, contrary to what you think, you REMOVE the incentive for him to want you. The reason is that you give the guy too much control. He knows you like him. He knows he can have you anytime he wants to. You are "in the bag", so to speak. You are not a challenge anymore. And you're also a danger because you probably want something serious. So, he can focus is conquering, manly, non-committal energies into another target knowing that you're there as a last resort.

If you want him as a friend only and want to linger on the shelf while he dates others, continue what you're doing. But if you want to increase your chances of him desiring you, stop taking his calls, play hard to get, and pay less attention to him. Do not be mean. Do not be rude. Be polite but distant. He'll either work to get your attention back or he won't care. Either reaction is better than what you have now.

Justwondering, 30, asks:

I am separated from my husband, (in my state you have a waiting period before you get a divorce). This guy I've been seeing just recently told me his conscience is getting to him about me still being married and he wants to cool things off. We have been best friends and together almost everyday, it's not always sexual either, we sometimes just hang out. We always give each other a nice goodnight kiss but sometimes that is it.. My question is, could it really be his conscience or is he really not into me? He says he still wants to hang out just not as much to make it "easier". Is this BS or not? I do feel like I love him, so is that clouding reality for me?

VictorM's advice:

Come on, he knew your situation when it all started, didn't he? And how does seeing you less make it easier on his conscience? Can you imagine someone who feels guilty for cheating on a spouse 5 times a month be relieved of that guilt by cheating only three times? It's not the frequency, it's the act itself. If he said he wouldn't see you until after your divorce is final I could more easily believe him about it being a matter of conscience, but that he only wants to ease up on seeing you makes no sense. Also, I could more easily believe him if he had said he felt a bit rushed and wanted to slow things down purely for the sake of taking it easier and allowing you two to get to know each other better. That would seem to me a reasonable approach. So I call it bullshit that he's using his conscience as a reason. He's cooling off and using his "conscience" only as an excuse.

He's pulling away and like most men he wants to avoid hurting your feelings. Just read my archives and you'll see tons of questions about men not having the balls to be direct with a woman when his interest declines. Your question is another one for that collection.

Allison, 23, from Washington, DC, asks:

My boyfriend is in two softball leagues, one wallyball league, a flag football league, and plays golf at least once a week and he also goes away at least 4 long weekends a year with his guy friends. On the weekends he goes away, he gets so drunk that he can't hold a phone conversation with me at the end of the night. Am I justified in saying that he is a bit selfish and stubborn because he opts to be involved in everything without regards for me and our time together, let alone getting so wasted he can't even talk?

VictorM's advice:

Well, you can call him all the names you want, but it won't change the fact that he likes what he likes and he's out doing it. Maybe it would be a better use of your time to search for words that describe a woman who is still his girlfriend.

Samantha, 20, from Georgia, asks:

I dated a guy for over 2 years since my senior year in high school up until the summer after my sophomore year in college. We were each other's first loves and longest relationships. However, he ended it a little over a month ago. For several months before the break up, we were constantly getting into arguments and because of our stubborn natures neither of us would easily back down, but say hateful thing after another, and trust me, we really said very spiteful things to each other. During those few months we also seemed to talk less and less, when he used to be so adament about talking every chance we got.

He broke up with me saying that all my hurtful remarks led him to believe that he is an awful person. Let me repeat, but we both said hurtful things. Not even two weeks after the breakup he informed me he was seeing someone, but then a month later told me he said that he only said that to piss me off. At this time he also told me he still loved me, always will, and does not want to fight off the fact that he wants to be with me. He wanted to work things out. However, I never saw any effort in his part. He never asked to do anything together or spend time together. He seemed more interested in going out with a friend (who is a girl) than to try to meet up with me. He seemed to be waiting for me to DO something while he would only SAY things. Why is it that he only seems to say how much he cares and loves me and wants me back, but does not seem to put any effort in doing anything about it?

Just last night we got in an argument about this whole situation, and he told me to just leave him alone. Could this be out of anger, since we were practically screaming at each other? I called this morning just to wish him a happy birthday (as today is his birthday) but has not heard from him.

This situation confuses the hell out of me and if you could enlighten me on some of his behaviors, I would like to put this all behind me and move on.

VictorM's advice:

He has a hate/love relationship with you. His head is telling him to stay away from you, his heart is telling him otherwise. The words coming out of his mouth sometimes reflect his heart, sometime his head. One day he wants to work things out (his heart talking), and another day he tells you to leave him alone (his head speaking).

But unless the head and the heart are in sync, you have nothing. So do this boy a favor and leave him alone. He's not struggling to be with you, he's struggling to free himself from you.

lisa, 23, from germany, asks:

My boyfriend barely calls and when he calls most of the time he wants me to call him back (because it's so expensive for him. I DO HAVE TO PAY MY PHONE BILL TOO). Sometimes he gets mad if I didn't look at the phone and answered it and it was him than. If he has to charge his phone with minutes or I have to pay my phone bill is the same and I think it should be 50/50 also because he makes more money than me. It's just weird, at the beginning till a year it was mainly him calling or we switched and now acting totally ghetto like with the phone calls. It's not that he doesn't buy things for me or been greedy getting flowers or so but the phone calls, what the heck. I don't know what to say or think about it anymore and I even said to him one time that we should switch on calling.

VictorM's advice:

Maybe it's not so much that he wants you to pay as much as it is that he would like to talk less on the phone. I don't know about your boyfriend, but most guys really can do with a lot less phone talking than girls do. Maybe he's afraid to tell you that, so he's using the money as an excuse.

Samatha, 20, from USA, asks:

I met this guy 2 months ago online. Neither of us have been in a long distance (online relationship.) I've brought it up a couple of times but seems to get no where (we seem to move on a different subjects). I've asked him before if he had any feelings for me, which he replyed with a "yes".... yet nothing serious is going on. I really do have a huge crush on this guy. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

You're 20 years old. I assume he's around the same age. From a guy's point of you, to grow any serious interest in you he needs to feel you, taste you, smell you. He'll keep chatting with you as long as his fantasy of laying his hands on you are alive. But when it comes to his feelings, "Yes" is not an answer; it's a delaying tactic.

What you should do is continue to talk to the guy, find out more about him, but realize that unless you live very close to each other, it won't mean a thing. Spent more time meeting guys in the flesh or else you're going to regret wasting the best years of your life at the keyboard.

G, 26, from NYC, asks:

I had three "sort-of dates" with a guy (friend of a friend) in one week, we slept together twice, and now I have no idea where we stand. He hasn't called and took 3 days to respond to a casual text. I don't know if he's "just not into me" or if he's taking a breather since we saw each other 3 times the first week of knowing each other, and that was only one week ago.

Here is how the marathon week transpired: The morning after our first date (we slept together) he suggested doing something on Wed., but then didn't call to confirm. I called him, he sounded surprised, but we did keep the Wed plan. During that date I mentioned my Friday plans and he invited himself along, again a group thing. We hung out alone afterward for several hours and he invited me home--I went.

We haven't spoken since. Just a couple of texts with long delay in between. I want to just "see what happens," but also don't want to maintain hope if I'm just being a silly girl who gave it up too quickly. Help?

VictorM's advice:

His seems to be a natural and wise path to finding out more about you before you two become an item. You may not like the pace, but what he's doing is what most sensible guys do. He's taking it nice, slow, and easy. So try to control that screaming biological clock of yours and enjoy the ride.

I went away for the weekend. I will return on Monday, August 27 and will start answering your questions.

eliza, 15, from somewhere over the rainbow, asks:

I have a question with my boyfriend. He has been under a lot of stress lately - he has 2 football practices a day and he's having some troubles with his family (just like yelling over small things and stuff), which has been making him a little grumpy at times. He takes out this crankiness on me and I end up getting hurt. What should I do about this? Is it going to get better?

VictorM's advice:

Start off by not making excuses for his crankiness. If you do, you're allowing the behavior to continue. Don't let that happen. Next time he takes it out on you, be stern and tell him to stop it! Tell him you're on his side. If he can't see that, he better leave until he does. One of two things will happen: 1) he will leave you because you don't put up with his crap. If that happens, good for you; you get rid of a jerk before things get worse, or 2) he will simmer down (even if he leaves at first) and learns that his little tantrums don't work with you and his childish behavior will stop.

Let me tell you, the pressures he faces a teenager are nothing compared to what he will face as an adult. If he can't handle this now, it will only get worse. You're getting a peek into his personality. Be careful with the decisions you make now, for they will determined the kind of person you become and how much you let a man dump on you.

Don't let any man dump on you, ever, for whatever reason.

Lisa, 40, from Boston, asks:

I dated a man for about 2 months. He was really nice and we had a lot of fun on our dates. He seemed really crazy about me, would say things like "when we get married", or "I'm the right guy for you". He was always respectful as far as sex was concerned. Didn't lay a hand on me until about a few weeks ago.....we didn't have sex just some heavy petting. Anyway to complicate matters I was chosen as one the "sexiest singles in my city" I was photographed and my picture was in our local newspaper along with a "bio" about me and an e-mail address so men can contact me. I told my honey about this from the very beginning and wasn't going to do it, but he encouraged me and said he thought it was great.The thing is I haven't heard from him since I was featured in the paper and then he blew me off via e-mail wishing me luck. My question is, what happened? Why doesn't he want to date me anymore?

VictorM's advice:

When a guy starts with too much intensity (talking about marriage and stuff like that so early on) he's clearly running on too much romantic energy. Eventually, that simmers down. I believe that it was not the publishing of the story that was the beginning of the end; I think it started when he encouraged you to go for it. That's when his romantic energy for you started fizzing out and he was pushing you towards other guys. Think back and I wouldn't be surprised if you can detect a slowing down of interest back then. That he fully pulled away when the feature was published sounds like just coincidence.

If there is another reason specifically related to you being featured after he encouraged to do so, I can't imagine what it could be. But for future reference, beware of guys that come on like stallions right off the gate; too often it leads to major burn out rather quickly.

April, 22, from Atlanta, asks:

Hey. I REALLY need your help. Here's the deal: I've been dating this really amazing guy for about a month in a half now. We have been taking things really slow and I like that. The other night we had a big misunderstanding. He told me that he couldn't see himself having sex with me, which I took as him saying he wasn't attracted to me (he later explained that what he meant was that he didn't want sex to mess things up since we're taking it slow). This is probably where I messed up: I asked if that meant that he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me ever because I thought he was saying he wasn't sexually attracted to me. The next thing I knew he told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that I was trying to complicate things, which came a a shock to me because I thought he did want one eventually and was not what I was trying to say at all. I really, honestly wasn't trying to back him in a corner or demand he be a boyfriend, but that's how he took it. I felt that since he made it known that he didn't want what I wanted I'd cut my losses so I stopped talking to him for two days. When we finally talked we discussed what happened and realized it was I big misunderstanding. I see that he is a really sweet guy that just wants to take things slow and I want to as well, but know it feels like I've revealed too much and I've really messed things up. Please tell me that this can be repaired because I now see that he was trying to get things to lead up to a relationship. I know a totally messed up. If you help me I owe you big time!!!

VictorM's advice:

You didn't mess anything up. He now knows you like him and that's not a bad thing. That you two were mature enough to talk about the misunderstanding matters more. As long as you don't press him, he'll probably be fine. Just let him take things a bit slower.

There's nothing to repair because nothing is wrong. Just proceed with him as if you guys didn't have that conversation. Don't bring it up again, unless he does. Otherwise, just keep seeing him and enjoying each other's company.

Mhairi, 29, from Barcelona, asks:

Why did he reject me but flirts all the time?

I asked a guy from my social group if he felt there had been chemistry between us the weekend before, as I felt there had been, we had been looking into each other's eyes a lot, and someone outside the group also asked if we were a couple. He said sorry but no, but then since then has asked me out to dinner with him and a friend, bought me a plastic flashing ring, touches me all the time, takes me by the hand to lead me through nightclubs, goes out of his way a bit to walk me home, teases me, sits next to me at tables etc etc? Does he like me or not? I am very confused. He is shy and inexperienced with women as far as I can tell, and 4 years younger than me. I have had 3 serious long-term relationships.

VictorM's advice:

Clearly he likes you, but not in a romantic way. But since he knows you like him, he can flirt all he wants knowing you won't shut him down. He's flirting with you because he knows he can. He gets some reaction from you and that feeds his ego. And because he's shy he can do with you what he has problems doing with the women he's really attracted to. Shyness is, above all, lack of trust. He doesn't trust how other women will respond to his flirting, but he knows you'll accept it.

Carla, 33, from united kingdom, asks:

Hi, it's Carla thank you for your comments Victor, there are a couple of things i would like to add to what i said. at all times my husband and his wife knew what was going on between us, we never hid any pat of our friendship, and the play fighting was only when we were at his house if he was winding me up, I would then ask his wife if it would be ok to hit him and if she said yes I would then smack him once ot twice about the head, but that was it, it was never more than that. When he made the comment to me about the fact that he would've married me first, I told him that he hadn't married me first and that he had met and fell in love with his wife first, and if there was anyway he could save his marriage he should do it, because it was to important to throw away. And the last thing is I love my husband and I would never cheat on him or leave him. And I know my friend always felt that way about his wife, I wasn't trying to be greedy, I just genuinely can't understand why we no longer have contact between us. I still see his wife every week and we are still close friends and I would never have even considered hurting her by trying to steal her husband from her.

VictorM's answer:

OK, so your play fighting wasn't quite as devious as it sounded, but Carla, stop the miss innocent nonsense! The guy talked about marrying you first. Clearly, this is not a topic that "just friends" talk about. Something more the friendship was in the air between you two and you have to be utterly naive to not think his wife senses it when you're playful with him.

Stop placing yourself at the center of the universe and allow the man to do what he feels he needs to do, for whatever reason he's doing it.

Soo, 26, from SG, asks:

How do I attract a guy who works as an exotic dancer in a club? He knows he's very good looking. Women throw themselves at him everyday. I just want to intrigue him enough so that he will want to go out with me on a date. This is not a relationship seeking type of question.

VictorM's answer:

Do you even know him outside of the stage? Are you friends with him or at least talk to him when he's in "civilian clothing"? Because if you are, then ask him what probably no other woman asks him -- for a date to a movie, or museum, or someplace you know he's like to go as a normal guy. I would guess most women assume he has tons of dates or just emphasize his looks. Do something different. No guarantee he'll respond but that's my best suggestion.

If you only know him from where he works, that is, if you're only a customer then I really have no idea how you get his attention.

Anyone have other suggestions for Soo? And please, no lecturing Soo on her choice of guy, just provide an idea how she could go out with the guy.

DAWN, 35, from United States, asks:

I have this co-worker who I am very attracted to. We work very closely together and get along great. He was married for over 20 years and lost his wife to cancer about six months ago. I really would like to pursue a relationship but I do not know how to approach someone in this situation. How long should I wait, do I make the first move, etc.

VictorM's advice:

That he is a widower shouldn't change a thing about how you approach him. A bigger issue is him being your coworker and you two working closely together. Being together all day and night can turn into a living hell even if things work out well, but most certainly will be a nightmare if you breakup after. Unless you are willing to consider finding another job, keep off.

But work aside, I don't think much changes in terms of approaching him even if how he deals with having a new love interest is unpredictable. Who knows if he had a good relationship with her or not, or if he's ready to try again. But you never know these things about any one individual that you would meet some other way. So if you're interested in him, go about it as you would anyone else. He'll let you know where he stands.

elizabeth, 13, from clarkson ky, asks:

I like this guy and he likes me to but he flirts with this other girl he also likes. What can I do?

VictorM's advice:

You two girls aren't the only ones he's ever going to like or flirt with. Boys your age are horny little toads. And he's not the only boy you're ever going to like. So, keeping that in mind, what to do? Smile, compliment him, have a nice time with him. If he feels good around you, he'll want to spend more time with you.

You can also do some voodoo magic and wish upon her the worst body odor ever.

Carmen, 18, from Canada, asks:

I've always thought it was sexy when guys/men shave their facial hair. However, my loving boyfriend of over a year really does not want to shave. Why is he so stubborn about it?

VictorM's advice:

Because shaving is a pain in the ass. It's itchy and really slows you down in the morning. Also, it takes time to get used to the blade, so his face may react poorly to it. Some guys don't like the shape of their face and a beard makes them feel better. Some guys like a beard because it makes them look older or more distinguished. From Canada? It keeps the face warmer.

There are a lot of other reasons; being stubborn is not the only reason.

Megan, 25, from USA, asks:

I've been dating my boyfriend for 15 months. Things are pretty good, but we have some bad fights and we're in the process of going to couples therapy and working through our problems. He seems very committed to the process of improving our relationship, and to me, although I have trouble trusting him. It's like there's a little voice in my gut nagging me to not trust him.

Anyway, last Thursday I invited him to my friend's party. Right after he got there, he started talking to a pretty girl and talked with her the WHOLE night. I came over and introduced myself as his girlfriend and she was very friendly and fun to talk to. Then I left to go talk to my other friends, and he continued to talk to her. He spent probably 2 hours talking with her before she left. Afterwards, we talked about whether he (and I) wanted to be friends with her, and he eventually came to the conclusion that he didn't really need to have a girl friend (i.e., friend that is a girl). But this morning, I checked his text messages on his phone and found that he texted her saying 'Very nice to meet you last week'. After I saw this, I asked him whether he wanted to be her friend, and he said 'Not really'. He did not know I read the text message. To me, this seems like a sign that he's looking to cheat. Am I paranoid?

VictorM's advice:

No, you're not paranoid. He has sinister intentions. In fact, that he told you he didn't want to be her friend, when in fact he enjoyed her company, sounds even more suspicious.

If this was a one off, maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt. If he had mentioned the text message to you, it could easily be considered simply a polite gesture. But it seems from your own words that you've had reason to distrust him in the past, so his behavior warrants suspicion.

Listen to your little voice -- it's seldom wrong!

Carla, 33, from united kingdom, asks:

I have been really good friends with a guy for 2 and half years, we are both married to different people, but we dissussed everything. His wife told me that he talked to me about things that he never even disscussed with friends he knew much longer than me. We used to see each other everyday, when we took our kids to school, we shared the same hobbys. We did almost everything together, we used to play fight and even on a few occasions when he was going thought a rough patch with his wife he said he wished that he had met me first as he would've married me instead. Anyway the problem is that 3 months ago he got a job and then cut of all contact with me, so I sent him a text message asking how he was doing with no reply. I left it. But then he told his wife to tell me he was still my friend but that he was just busy, but he has made a point of keeping in contact with all his other friends except me, and I was closer to him than any of them. I recently ran into him when I was out for the day and