Friday, August 31, 2007
They started talking about marriage
Anne, 24, from Cleveland, Ohio asks:
I have been dating a guy for over a year now. We were friends first. Over the last couple months we were talking about marriage. He would talk about it and then back peddle..I was getting frustrated. It all came to a climax about 3 weeks ago. I got angry with his behavior and said that I wanted a week to come back to the reality that we weren't getting married right now. He got upset and in return says that he needs space too. I have tried to talk to him about getting back together, he insists that there is something wrong and that he needs to take time to look at him. He says that we were conceptualizing marriage and we couldn't just try and date casually because that's not where we were. There is no one else in the picture (with him or me). We still have some contact-every couple days. When we do talk they are 3 hour conversations part talking about the unresolved issues and part on how much he misses me and I miss him. I am not sure what he is doing. If I call he responds-not avoiding me, but won't initiate the furthering of our relationship. He told me he hopes to figure it out soon. Does this sound like I have any hope? Did he just get scared? Please help!!!
VictorM's advice:
Marriage is a scarier proposition for guys than for girls. To many girls marriage is about a pretty dress, the right bridesmaids, and a memorable day. To guys it is the rest of their lives and the responsibility to support a family. Big difference.
His "back peddling" as you called it, was probably just the actions of a man who took that decision very seriously and wanted to make sure he was totally behind it before going ahead with it. What to him was proper consideration to you was ambivalence. He was expecting you to be a partner to deliberate this major decision with caution but instead your contribution was anger. Boy, talk about putting the brakes when he was already moving cautiously.
I don't think you scared him; I think you gave him a peek at what serious decision making is with you and he didn't like it. He was looking to make sure you were the right partner and you behave like an impatient authority figure instead.
He misses the girl he was considering marrying but he's not so sure you're that girl anymore. His 3 hour long calls are an attempt to reconcile the difference between the girl in the past that he so enjoyed and the too-eager woman he does not want. He doesn't want to give up the former, he doesn't want the latter. What he's doing is the same thing he was doing about marriage -- evaluating things carefully.
Accept it: your boyfriend is a cautious man that considers his future very carefully. This is not a matter of hoping; it's a matter of recognizing his careful decision making and atoning for your impatience about a decision that is till death do you part.
I have been dating a guy for over a year now. We were friends first. Over the last couple months we were talking about marriage. He would talk about it and then back peddle..I was getting frustrated. It all came to a climax about 3 weeks ago. I got angry with his behavior and said that I wanted a week to come back to the reality that we weren't getting married right now. He got upset and in return says that he needs space too. I have tried to talk to him about getting back together, he insists that there is something wrong and that he needs to take time to look at him. He says that we were conceptualizing marriage and we couldn't just try and date casually because that's not where we were. There is no one else in the picture (with him or me). We still have some contact-every couple days. When we do talk they are 3 hour conversations part talking about the unresolved issues and part on how much he misses me and I miss him. I am not sure what he is doing. If I call he responds-not avoiding me, but won't initiate the furthering of our relationship. He told me he hopes to figure it out soon. Does this sound like I have any hope? Did he just get scared? Please help!!!
VictorM's advice:
Marriage is a scarier proposition for guys than for girls. To many girls marriage is about a pretty dress, the right bridesmaids, and a memorable day. To guys it is the rest of their lives and the responsibility to support a family. Big difference.
His "back peddling" as you called it, was probably just the actions of a man who took that decision very seriously and wanted to make sure he was totally behind it before going ahead with it. What to him was proper consideration to you was ambivalence. He was expecting you to be a partner to deliberate this major decision with caution but instead your contribution was anger. Boy, talk about putting the brakes when he was already moving cautiously.
I don't think you scared him; I think you gave him a peek at what serious decision making is with you and he didn't like it. He was looking to make sure you were the right partner and you behave like an impatient authority figure instead.
He misses the girl he was considering marrying but he's not so sure you're that girl anymore. His 3 hour long calls are an attempt to reconcile the difference between the girl in the past that he so enjoyed and the too-eager woman he does not want. He doesn't want to give up the former, he doesn't want the latter. What he's doing is the same thing he was doing about marriage -- evaluating things carefully.
Accept it: your boyfriend is a cautious man that considers his future very carefully. This is not a matter of hoping; it's a matter of recognizing his careful decision making and atoning for your impatience about a decision that is till death do you part.
They broke up for two reasons
Sarah, 17, asks:
I was seeing a guy for 2 months, and we broke up for 2 reasons: 1. He didn't want to go to college in a relationship, and 2. I wouldn't have sex with him.
I really like him though, and what makes it even harder... we have the same group of friends.
A friend of mine scumbagged me and we are no longer talking. She has been calling my ex non-stop. She is very afraid of me. Tonight was the first night our group spent time together and I was going to kill her. I told our mutual girlfriend to keep her in check, and she tried. My ex is a spiteful guy, and he flirts with my friends to get me mad. He can't get over the fact that I met someone new the day after we ended it. That person is someone I am not with, but my ex has no idea.
I still like him. A lot. I don't show that it bothers me when he flirts with my friends, but it really does. I do not know what to do anymore or how to act. I want him for myself, or I want him to stop being spiteful and just admit he still has strong feelings for me like I do for him. This girl that he is flirting with is a slut and a druggie. Something he never goes for. We are both complete opposites of her. We come from conservative families and he loved the fact that I am not slut or a druggie.
The sad part is, while all of this is happening, his best friend from a different country is rubbing my leg under the covers. I hate it. I don't want anyone but him.
What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Let's see, he's going to college and doesn't want a relationship with you. There's nothing you can do about that. He wants sex with you but you're not ready. But even if you had sex with him it wouldn't change reason number one. So no matter how you slice it, no matter what feelings he may still have for you, he's ready to move on.
You want him to admit he has strong feelings for you. Why? First, there's a very good chance that he doesn't feel that way about you, and second, what difference would it make? He's going away and wants to be free to chase the "sluts and druggies" (your words, not mine) that you think he doesn't. What, is the girl he's flirting with putting a gun to his head? No. He wants wilder girls and he knows he's going to find them in college. You think he doesn't want such girls but you're wrong. Don't believe me? Then tell me, why did you listed reason number two as a cause of the breakup?
Find another circle of friends until he's gone. And get over your illusion that he wants a girl like you -- he doesn't! Not yet anyway. And maybe you'll find out that being spiteful is not such a great quality in a guy.
I was seeing a guy for 2 months, and we broke up for 2 reasons: 1. He didn't want to go to college in a relationship, and 2. I wouldn't have sex with him.
I really like him though, and what makes it even harder... we have the same group of friends.
A friend of mine scumbagged me and we are no longer talking. She has been calling my ex non-stop. She is very afraid of me. Tonight was the first night our group spent time together and I was going to kill her. I told our mutual girlfriend to keep her in check, and she tried. My ex is a spiteful guy, and he flirts with my friends to get me mad. He can't get over the fact that I met someone new the day after we ended it. That person is someone I am not with, but my ex has no idea.
I still like him. A lot. I don't show that it bothers me when he flirts with my friends, but it really does. I do not know what to do anymore or how to act. I want him for myself, or I want him to stop being spiteful and just admit he still has strong feelings for me like I do for him. This girl that he is flirting with is a slut and a druggie. Something he never goes for. We are both complete opposites of her. We come from conservative families and he loved the fact that I am not slut or a druggie.
The sad part is, while all of this is happening, his best friend from a different country is rubbing my leg under the covers. I hate it. I don't want anyone but him.
What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Let's see, he's going to college and doesn't want a relationship with you. There's nothing you can do about that. He wants sex with you but you're not ready. But even if you had sex with him it wouldn't change reason number one. So no matter how you slice it, no matter what feelings he may still have for you, he's ready to move on.
You want him to admit he has strong feelings for you. Why? First, there's a very good chance that he doesn't feel that way about you, and second, what difference would it make? He's going away and wants to be free to chase the "sluts and druggies" (your words, not mine) that you think he doesn't. What, is the girl he's flirting with putting a gun to his head? No. He wants wilder girls and he knows he's going to find them in college. You think he doesn't want such girls but you're wrong. Don't believe me? Then tell me, why did you listed reason number two as a cause of the breakup?
Find another circle of friends until he's gone. And get over your illusion that he wants a girl like you -- he doesn't! Not yet anyway. And maybe you'll find out that being spiteful is not such a great quality in a guy.
A way to date a guy who's afraid to date
Taylor, 16, asks:
I'm very easy going, especially around guys. There's a particular guy I'm interested in now who is 2 years older than me and has already graduated from high school. I confessed to him (after I pushed past my nerves) that I was beginning to care for him a lot.
He did say that he liked me, as well, but he "doesn't date" because he's been hurt too many times in the past. I understand this, but I can't help but wonder - is there a way to develop a relationship with a guy who's afraid to date anyone?
VictorM's advice:
"He doesn't date because he's been hurt too many times in the past" is just another way of saying: "He doesn't want to date you -- not yet anyway -- but doesn't want to hurt your feelings."
When you confessed you cared for him you skipped the more natural courtship period and tried to jump right in a relationship. That's scary stuff.
Lay off the confessions, bring it down a notch, do friendly stuff with him, make him feel good about himself around you and who knows, maybe after he knows you better he'll lose his "fear".
I'm very easy going, especially around guys. There's a particular guy I'm interested in now who is 2 years older than me and has already graduated from high school. I confessed to him (after I pushed past my nerves) that I was beginning to care for him a lot.
He did say that he liked me, as well, but he "doesn't date" because he's been hurt too many times in the past. I understand this, but I can't help but wonder - is there a way to develop a relationship with a guy who's afraid to date anyone?
VictorM's advice:
"He doesn't date because he's been hurt too many times in the past" is just another way of saying: "He doesn't want to date you -- not yet anyway -- but doesn't want to hurt your feelings."
When you confessed you cared for him you skipped the more natural courtship period and tried to jump right in a relationship. That's scary stuff.
Lay off the confessions, bring it down a notch, do friendly stuff with him, make him feel good about himself around you and who knows, maybe after he knows you better he'll lose his "fear".
What can she do to make sure he doesn't cheat?
Jeannie, 14, from Georgia, asks:
My boyfriend is going to be in high school while I am still gonna be in 8th grade. I trust him but I'm not sure if I can trust the girls that he will meet in his freshman year. What can I do to make sure he doesn't cheat, etc?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing! Whether your boyfriend cheats or not has nothing to do with you; it's all about his values. It has nothing to do with how you dress, talk, kiss, check on him, treat him, love him, ignore him... it has NOTHING to do with you. If he's not happy with you he should leave you, if he's happy with you, he should respect himself and be faithful. You shouldn't even think about it.
Don't worry about the high school girls. There's nothing they can do if he has his values in place and nothing you can do if he doesn't.
Trust him. It's the surest way to find happiness in a relationship.
My boyfriend is going to be in high school while I am still gonna be in 8th grade. I trust him but I'm not sure if I can trust the girls that he will meet in his freshman year. What can I do to make sure he doesn't cheat, etc?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing! Whether your boyfriend cheats or not has nothing to do with you; it's all about his values. It has nothing to do with how you dress, talk, kiss, check on him, treat him, love him, ignore him... it has NOTHING to do with you. If he's not happy with you he should leave you, if he's happy with you, he should respect himself and be faithful. You shouldn't even think about it.
Don't worry about the high school girls. There's nothing they can do if he has his values in place and nothing you can do if he doesn't.
Trust him. It's the surest way to find happiness in a relationship.
Extremely dedicated to the gym
Sara, 24, from ca, asks:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we have just started to argue about spending more time together. I have started a new job and am extremely dedicated to the gym on a daily basis. This has now become a problem and he sees my gym time as time I would rather not be with him. He doesn't want me to NOT go... just cut back. I don't think that is fair because I am trying to reach goals. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I don't see how you can disagree with the statement that your personal goals are more important than your relationship with him. That's basically what he's saying and he's right. You think working on the relationship is unfair if it causes you to make adjustments.
I don't know about you, but most people are turned off by someone who is too self-centered. You sound the part.
I hope you learn the meaning of the words "balance" and "compromise", otherwise you're going to be learning the meaning of "goodbye".
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we have just started to argue about spending more time together. I have started a new job and am extremely dedicated to the gym on a daily basis. This has now become a problem and he sees my gym time as time I would rather not be with him. He doesn't want me to NOT go... just cut back. I don't think that is fair because I am trying to reach goals. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I don't see how you can disagree with the statement that your personal goals are more important than your relationship with him. That's basically what he's saying and he's right. You think working on the relationship is unfair if it causes you to make adjustments.
I don't know about you, but most people are turned off by someone who is too self-centered. You sound the part.
I hope you learn the meaning of the words "balance" and "compromise", otherwise you're going to be learning the meaning of "goodbye".
A future full of broken promises
April, 22, from Atl, asks:
Hey Vic! It's April again. I have another problem with the same guy. Here's what happened: After the situation that I told you about last time I took your advice and acted like it never happened and like you said things went back to normal. We also began to discuss a possible relationship in the near future and what type of foundation we want it built upon. Last Tuesday, he asked me on a date that was planned for the following day. We were supposed to be having a poolside picnic because I told him that is my dream date (cheesy, I know). Anyway, when Wednesday came he texted me about 3 hours before the date was supposed to happen and canceled because he is in night school and according to him his class got rescheduled for that night. Because of that he rescheduled the date for Friday. I thought that since he was thoughtful and sweet enough to remeber and try to give me my dream date, I would look really sexy for our date because he's only really seen me and jeans and a tshirt. So I missed school Friday and got my hair done, bought a dress, the whole nine yards. The night of the date he called an hour before we were supposed to go and cancelled again. This time he said it was because his bank card was demagnified so it couldn't be swiped to access any of his money, therefore he wouldn't have any money until the next morning when the bank opened. He had previously informed me that he had plans for the next day (Saturday), so when he said that we could go Saturday and I asked, "what about your plans", he said that he could cancel them. The same night (Friday) I suggested that since we weren't going to be able to go on the actual date and since I had put so much time and money into my apperance for him, could we watch a movie at his place. He said he didn't want to do that because he really wanted to take me out. I felt like he was lying so I texted him that I was going out with my friends instead. He told be to hold up for a few minutes so he see what he could make happen. I suggested he use his credit card, but he said it his business card. I didn't hear back from him for about 30 minutes, but when I did he called me and was angry. He said that I didn't "have his back" because I didn't offer to pay for the date. That made me upset because I felt like I shouldn't have to play for a date that was intended to be a dream date for ME and because I spent so much money on everything else that day, which he knew about because I informed him earlier in the day that I had a surprise for him and my makeover was the surprise. Anyway, I didn't hear from him until the next morning. I was at the mall so he said that he would come there to see me, but never showed up. Come to find out he went home and put a gate up. I didn't hear from him anymore that day until about 5 pm. He didn't even mention the date and when I brought it up, he said the had already told me he had plans, which the day before he said he could get out of. According to him, he had to watch his kids, but 2 days before he said he had to do something completely different. He wanted to reschedule again, but never said when. After the last situation that I wrote you about he advised me to communicate with him how I felt anytime, because of that I told him that I felt he was unthoughtful because he never considered all the effort that I put into my appearance for the date and never even came over to glance at me. He abrutly got off the phone with me and never called back. I was pissed and tired of all his excuses and rude behavior, so I sent him a email that basically said I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I felt that I was forseeing a future with him that would be full of broken promises and inconsideration, so I figured why not cut my loses now and not later. He sent me a text the next day saying that he was saddened and disappointed that things had to end so abrutly and that they didn't work out the way that he would have like them to. He also said that if it's meant to be maybe we will meet in the future and work things out. I just want to know if you think I was right and cutting him off now or was I over reacting? Sorry that this is so long:)
VictorM's advice:
April, you get a gold star for the day! You did the right thing ending it with him. You certainly got enough red flags from this guy, so why keep putting up with lies and dumb excuses? You deserve a guy that will give you the same attention that you give the guy.
What, he doesn't have any friends from whom he could have borrowed some money? And then coming back and blaming you for something you had no business doing? That's bullshit! Plus he's a liar.
You're the sexy, thoughtful, smart, romantic mighty April -- you deserve better. You will do better. There will always be pools and picnics, so your dream date just has to wait for the right partner.
Hey Vic! It's April again. I have another problem with the same guy. Here's what happened: After the situation that I told you about last time I took your advice and acted like it never happened and like you said things went back to normal. We also began to discuss a possible relationship in the near future and what type of foundation we want it built upon. Last Tuesday, he asked me on a date that was planned for the following day. We were supposed to be having a poolside picnic because I told him that is my dream date (cheesy, I know). Anyway, when Wednesday came he texted me about 3 hours before the date was supposed to happen and canceled because he is in night school and according to him his class got rescheduled for that night. Because of that he rescheduled the date for Friday. I thought that since he was thoughtful and sweet enough to remeber and try to give me my dream date, I would look really sexy for our date because he's only really seen me and jeans and a tshirt. So I missed school Friday and got my hair done, bought a dress, the whole nine yards. The night of the date he called an hour before we were supposed to go and cancelled again. This time he said it was because his bank card was demagnified so it couldn't be swiped to access any of his money, therefore he wouldn't have any money until the next morning when the bank opened. He had previously informed me that he had plans for the next day (Saturday), so when he said that we could go Saturday and I asked, "what about your plans", he said that he could cancel them. The same night (Friday) I suggested that since we weren't going to be able to go on the actual date and since I had put so much time and money into my apperance for him, could we watch a movie at his place. He said he didn't want to do that because he really wanted to take me out. I felt like he was lying so I texted him that I was going out with my friends instead. He told be to hold up for a few minutes so he see what he could make happen. I suggested he use his credit card, but he said it his business card. I didn't hear back from him for about 30 minutes, but when I did he called me and was angry. He said that I didn't "have his back" because I didn't offer to pay for the date. That made me upset because I felt like I shouldn't have to play for a date that was intended to be a dream date for ME and because I spent so much money on everything else that day, which he knew about because I informed him earlier in the day that I had a surprise for him and my makeover was the surprise. Anyway, I didn't hear from him until the next morning. I was at the mall so he said that he would come there to see me, but never showed up. Come to find out he went home and put a gate up. I didn't hear from him anymore that day until about 5 pm. He didn't even mention the date and when I brought it up, he said the had already told me he had plans, which the day before he said he could get out of. According to him, he had to watch his kids, but 2 days before he said he had to do something completely different. He wanted to reschedule again, but never said when. After the last situation that I wrote you about he advised me to communicate with him how I felt anytime, because of that I told him that I felt he was unthoughtful because he never considered all the effort that I put into my appearance for the date and never even came over to glance at me. He abrutly got off the phone with me and never called back. I was pissed and tired of all his excuses and rude behavior, so I sent him a email that basically said I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I felt that I was forseeing a future with him that would be full of broken promises and inconsideration, so I figured why not cut my loses now and not later. He sent me a text the next day saying that he was saddened and disappointed that things had to end so abrutly and that they didn't work out the way that he would have like them to. He also said that if it's meant to be maybe we will meet in the future and work things out. I just want to know if you think I was right and cutting him off now or was I over reacting? Sorry that this is so long:)
VictorM's advice:
April, you get a gold star for the day! You did the right thing ending it with him. You certainly got enough red flags from this guy, so why keep putting up with lies and dumb excuses? You deserve a guy that will give you the same attention that you give the guy.
What, he doesn't have any friends from whom he could have borrowed some money? And then coming back and blaming you for something you had no business doing? That's bullshit! Plus he's a liar.
You're the sexy, thoughtful, smart, romantic mighty April -- you deserve better. You will do better. There will always be pools and picnics, so your dream date just has to wait for the right partner.
He's always smiling and calling her names
Lee-ann, 13, from Namibia, asks:
I was wanting to know if this boy likes me. He's always smiling at me, calling me names, and makes fun of me often but he always flirts with my friends when he sees I'm around them.
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, sounds like he likes you because he wants your attention. But boys your age are discovering that girls are more than just icky humans, and they tend to like a few at a time. Changes are that he likes you but you're not the only one he likes. But the good news is, even if he doesn't like you now, wait a week; he'll probably like you then.
I was wanting to know if this boy likes me. He's always smiling at me, calling me names, and makes fun of me often but he always flirts with my friends when he sees I'm around them.
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, sounds like he likes you because he wants your attention. But boys your age are discovering that girls are more than just icky humans, and they tend to like a few at a time. Changes are that he likes you but you're not the only one he likes. But the good news is, even if he doesn't like you now, wait a week; he'll probably like you then.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Sometimes she gets mixed feelings from him
Janie, 22, from Atlanta, asks:
I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months now we get along great and we both enjoy each others company ...but...we haven't talked about where we stand with each other yet..we've told each other that we like each other but I sometimes get mixed feelings from him .. I know I should tell him how I feel and how I would like to be in a relationship with him. The problem is I'm scared of rejection. How should I go about this? Maybe jokingly say it or just be straight forward? Another one of my reasons for not bringing it up to him is that a month before we met he had just broken up with a girl he was seeing for about a year and some change! Help what to do?
VictorM's advice:
Don't bring it up yet. You're enjoying each other's company and have already expressed it to each other. As a girl you want the commitment but as a guy he wants to know you better before taking the next step.
You've been dating for 2 months, you like each other, and have said so. I'm betting that as far as he's concerned, you two are already in a relationship. But saying it formalizes things too much and too soon. He may just not be ready for that yet.
Strap your biological clock down with some duct tape and let things proceed nice and slow. And this way, you won't have to deal with rejection.
I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months now we get along great and we both enjoy each others company ...but...we haven't talked about where we stand with each other yet..we've told each other that we like each other but I sometimes get mixed feelings from him .. I know I should tell him how I feel and how I would like to be in a relationship with him. The problem is I'm scared of rejection. How should I go about this? Maybe jokingly say it or just be straight forward? Another one of my reasons for not bringing it up to him is that a month before we met he had just broken up with a girl he was seeing for about a year and some change! Help what to do?
VictorM's advice:
Don't bring it up yet. You're enjoying each other's company and have already expressed it to each other. As a girl you want the commitment but as a guy he wants to know you better before taking the next step.
You've been dating for 2 months, you like each other, and have said so. I'm betting that as far as he's concerned, you two are already in a relationship. But saying it formalizes things too much and too soon. He may just not be ready for that yet.
Strap your biological clock down with some duct tape and let things proceed nice and slow. And this way, you won't have to deal with rejection.
Reeling from humiliation
Christie, 37, from San Francisco, asks:
I am reeling from humiliation right now. On Saturday night after my boyfriend and I went to the grocery store to pick up snacks for an evening in, he announced that he would like me to start offering to pay for things. I am reeling because I had just bought lunch out that day and the dinner we had earlier in the week.
I know he is tight on money right now but I don't think this was appropriate. He is certainly entitled to his feelings but I don't know why he would block out how much I do pay.
Should I add that he makes four times as much as I do and has a tendency to buy very expensive things? I live accordingly to my budget which would never work for him.
I went to the ATM that night and took out as much money as I could. He wouldn't accept it claiming guilt but I left it anyway. I have not spoken to him since because I am just so offended.
Please tell me if I am being too sensitive here.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are being too sensitive. His remark, even if unfair based on how you pay for things, just shows he's willing to bring up something that's on his mind, while on the other hand you're talking about being "humiliated" and "offended". You're thinking pure cash, he's talking about manners.
Maybe he's looking to share expenses 50/50. Maybe he simply doesn't like you assuming he's going to pay? On the times when you have paid, did he offer to pay? Did he have some unexpected bill that day and was just overly grumpy about it? Was he simply frustrated with himself that he doesn't manage his money better? All of these, and many others, could be reasons for his request.
You had an opportunity to have a good discussion about how, as a couple, you two should handle money matters in the future so as not to cause problems, but instead you turned it into a war, throwing a tantrum, acting childish (by taking money from your ATM and giving it to him), and not talking to the guy since then. Even if his request was the dumbest and most unfair in the world -- and it's not -- shouldn't you be woman enough to just talk to the guy about the issue and resolve it? What's he to do next time he has something in his mind that he thinks you disagree with? Shut his mouth and let the problem fester, or does he bring it up expecting two adults to talk about it like adults?
Talk to the man, explain your viewpoint. If you still think he's wrong, say so and calmly tell him why. Maybe he'll agree with you, maybe not, but the money topic is of secondary importance compared to your inability to discuss it like a partner willing to exercise understanding and reach common ground.
Anyway, that's my two cents.
You can keep the change.
I am reeling from humiliation right now. On Saturday night after my boyfriend and I went to the grocery store to pick up snacks for an evening in, he announced that he would like me to start offering to pay for things. I am reeling because I had just bought lunch out that day and the dinner we had earlier in the week.
I know he is tight on money right now but I don't think this was appropriate. He is certainly entitled to his feelings but I don't know why he would block out how much I do pay.
Should I add that he makes four times as much as I do and has a tendency to buy very expensive things? I live accordingly to my budget which would never work for him.
I went to the ATM that night and took out as much money as I could. He wouldn't accept it claiming guilt but I left it anyway. I have not spoken to him since because I am just so offended.
Please tell me if I am being too sensitive here.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are being too sensitive. His remark, even if unfair based on how you pay for things, just shows he's willing to bring up something that's on his mind, while on the other hand you're talking about being "humiliated" and "offended". You're thinking pure cash, he's talking about manners.
Maybe he's looking to share expenses 50/50. Maybe he simply doesn't like you assuming he's going to pay? On the times when you have paid, did he offer to pay? Did he have some unexpected bill that day and was just overly grumpy about it? Was he simply frustrated with himself that he doesn't manage his money better? All of these, and many others, could be reasons for his request.
You had an opportunity to have a good discussion about how, as a couple, you two should handle money matters in the future so as not to cause problems, but instead you turned it into a war, throwing a tantrum, acting childish (by taking money from your ATM and giving it to him), and not talking to the guy since then. Even if his request was the dumbest and most unfair in the world -- and it's not -- shouldn't you be woman enough to just talk to the guy about the issue and resolve it? What's he to do next time he has something in his mind that he thinks you disagree with? Shut his mouth and let the problem fester, or does he bring it up expecting two adults to talk about it like adults?
Talk to the man, explain your viewpoint. If you still think he's wrong, say so and calmly tell him why. Maybe he'll agree with you, maybe not, but the money topic is of secondary importance compared to your inability to discuss it like a partner willing to exercise understanding and reach common ground.
Anyway, that's my two cents.
You can keep the change.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
How do you get over someone quickly?
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
How do you get over someone quickly? I've broke up with my fiancee of 2 years and I don't want him or anything but I can't help but constantly feel down and sad, so sad even enough to cry every time I think about the past. I knew where I was going, what I was doing and now I have no idea.
VictorM's advice:
There are two ways to handle this. One way is to be a cold-hearted person who doesn't give a crap about things and therefore doesn't lose a minute of sleep over it. The other way is to be a loving person with dreams of happiness who feels crushed when her dreams aren't fulfilled. This kind of person comes with a tender heart and is vulnerable to pain.
Frankly, I much prefer the second type over the first. And I can tell so do you.
It takes time to get over someone you loved. But where you were headed hasn't changed. In fact, you broke up because you weren't headed there with this guy. You're not ending your journey, you're only pausing to get a new partner that shares that vision. It takes time to learn the lessons of the past before you can deal with the future with more confidence. And so until that happens, you cry, you feel sad, and you feel lost. If what you wanted wasn't painful to give up, even if temporarily, then what you wanted couldn't have been that precious. Feeling sad is confirmation that you were indeed after something worth while. In time, you will get back to the quest of finding a partner, even more sure of your destination, and more confident on your choice.
You don't get over someone quickly because doing so would cheapen what you stood for and would trivialize your dreams. Hurting reinforces their importance. Taking time to get over it reinforces that good people get wounded more deeply because they also love more deeply.
Accept your pain and sadness as necessary stages for you to find happiness again.
How do you get over someone quickly? I've broke up with my fiancee of 2 years and I don't want him or anything but I can't help but constantly feel down and sad, so sad even enough to cry every time I think about the past. I knew where I was going, what I was doing and now I have no idea.
VictorM's advice:
There are two ways to handle this. One way is to be a cold-hearted person who doesn't give a crap about things and therefore doesn't lose a minute of sleep over it. The other way is to be a loving person with dreams of happiness who feels crushed when her dreams aren't fulfilled. This kind of person comes with a tender heart and is vulnerable to pain.
Frankly, I much prefer the second type over the first. And I can tell so do you.
It takes time to get over someone you loved. But where you were headed hasn't changed. In fact, you broke up because you weren't headed there with this guy. You're not ending your journey, you're only pausing to get a new partner that shares that vision. It takes time to learn the lessons of the past before you can deal with the future with more confidence. And so until that happens, you cry, you feel sad, and you feel lost. If what you wanted wasn't painful to give up, even if temporarily, then what you wanted couldn't have been that precious. Feeling sad is confirmation that you were indeed after something worth while. In time, you will get back to the quest of finding a partner, even more sure of your destination, and more confident on your choice.
You don't get over someone quickly because doing so would cheapen what you stood for and would trivialize your dreams. Hurting reinforces their importance. Taking time to get over it reinforces that good people get wounded more deeply because they also love more deeply.
Accept your pain and sadness as necessary stages for you to find happiness again.
She plays it cool like it doesn't bother her
Lauren, 18, from Texas, asks:
I have an ex-boyfriend that I am still really close to, and sometimes he does things with other girls then tells me about it. He knows that I still have feelings for him. I don't understand why he tells me such hurtful things. I play it cool like it doesn't bother me but inside I'm crying. Is he just doing this to hurt me or is he doing it for some other reason?
VictorM's advice:
"I play it cool like it doesn't bother me"... hello!!! Jackpot! You play it like it doesn't bother you! So he tells you stuff because he thinks it doesn't bother you. Grow some balls and tell him it bothers you and that you don't want to hear anything about his girlfriends or you'll never talk to him again.
I have an ex-boyfriend that I am still really close to, and sometimes he does things with other girls then tells me about it. He knows that I still have feelings for him. I don't understand why he tells me such hurtful things. I play it cool like it doesn't bother me but inside I'm crying. Is he just doing this to hurt me or is he doing it for some other reason?
VictorM's advice:
"I play it cool like it doesn't bother me"... hello!!! Jackpot! You play it like it doesn't bother you! So he tells you stuff because he thinks it doesn't bother you. Grow some balls and tell him it bothers you and that you don't want to hear anything about his girlfriends or you'll never talk to him again.
He's not a faggot
sandy, 30, from fl, asks:
My fiance was caught holding hands with a guy he works with while driving in the work vehicle. Could they possibly be just horsing off? He tells me he loves me but hardly spend any time with me and he said that one of his buddies was gonna be in our wedding and that he will look good in a tux. I have asked him if he's gay and he said I am not a faggot. And then he left. I haven't heard from him in days. Could it be that he is or he's just angry that I would think that? Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Holding hands with a coworker as joke? No way! Not very attentive with you? Denying being a "faggot" (this strong denial using such language is common with those fighting their sexuality), and storming off at your question? I can't be 100% sure, of course, but I would bet some real money that he is gay.
Even in the 21st century western world, being gay is still a great burden for many to bear. It's sad but it's the truth. He shouldn't have to take a test or be dragged over the coals for it. There are plenty of reasons to understand why such an admission is so difficult. However, from your side, you don't need concrete proof either. Sounds like you have enough information to determine his sexual preference. You are just having a difficult time accepting the reality.
You're not a court of law and he's not a criminal. Innocent until proven guilty does not apply here. Whatever your decision, I hope you have the wisdom to do what's best for you and the compassion to be a good friend to him.
My fiance was caught holding hands with a guy he works with while driving in the work vehicle. Could they possibly be just horsing off? He tells me he loves me but hardly spend any time with me and he said that one of his buddies was gonna be in our wedding and that he will look good in a tux. I have asked him if he's gay and he said I am not a faggot. And then he left. I haven't heard from him in days. Could it be that he is or he's just angry that I would think that? Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Holding hands with a coworker as joke? No way! Not very attentive with you? Denying being a "faggot" (this strong denial using such language is common with those fighting their sexuality), and storming off at your question? I can't be 100% sure, of course, but I would bet some real money that he is gay.
Even in the 21st century western world, being gay is still a great burden for many to bear. It's sad but it's the truth. He shouldn't have to take a test or be dragged over the coals for it. There are plenty of reasons to understand why such an admission is so difficult. However, from your side, you don't need concrete proof either. Sounds like you have enough information to determine his sexual preference. You are just having a difficult time accepting the reality.
You're not a court of law and he's not a criminal. Innocent until proven guilty does not apply here. Whatever your decision, I hope you have the wisdom to do what's best for you and the compassion to be a good friend to him.
There is a guy who has her heart
Gabbi, 16, asks:
There is a guy who has my heart. I have never been in love, we didn't date, and he had me at hello. I met him when I transferred schools. Throughout the school year, he has been going from girlfriend to girlfriend, leaving me on the side as he friend who he never ever hangs out with outside of school. He once said that I am his "best friend" which is weird because we barely talk. Anyway when these girlfriends are gone I'm back in the picture, when they come back I barely hear from him. During this summer I saw him 3 times. The first was by accident and he picked me up and twirled me when he saw me. The 2nd was at my bbq party and the 3rd was the next day. He came to my house to watch a movie and during the movie he kept saying things like why don't you kiss me, cuddle with me, you're a chicken because you're not trying to get with me. When I did try to cuddle he's like NO! etc. Anyway, he eventually said he knows what's going on and how I feel about him, even if it's unsaid. I told him I love him (not specifying how), but I don't have a crush on him.
I know I can't be with him, because we drive each other crazy as friends and he's a player.
But that's not the point. He left his myspace logged on my computer, and when I read through his messages (I know I shouldn't have!) I realized he says whatever he needs to get what he wants.
1. How is he so slick and smooth? The way he talks..he never stutters.
2. How can he play each girl but I can't even keep my crush from him?
3. How do I stop being so tense when I am with guys I like and relax?
4. Is it all about experience?
VictorM's advice:
Some people are good at that sorta thing. It's not a school you go to or a matter of experience. Like athletic ability or singing talent, you can improve it but you have to be born with it.
Maybe he's smooth because he's doing something that feels natural and good. At his age, being a "player" is a subjective term. He may very well be attentive and complimentary to a lot of girls at the same time and actually mean it. The truth is, there are lots of attractive, smart, sexy, and very appealing girls and the notion that a guy should focus on only one is what is highly unnatural.
Maybe if you realize that liking boys, liking to get their attention, liking them to like you is a very natural thing you wouldn't be so tense. If you realize that you're not marrying them, you're not having their child, you just want some of their attention for a while, maybe you too can relax and enjoy.
Try doing some flirting and casual talking with guys you don't particularly care for. See how it feels. You probably will find out you can do that with guys you like. Just focus and getting their attention for a minute, one witty line or one flirty comment at a time. Then walk away in triumph. Repeat as the mood strikes you.
There is a guy who has my heart. I have never been in love, we didn't date, and he had me at hello. I met him when I transferred schools. Throughout the school year, he has been going from girlfriend to girlfriend, leaving me on the side as he friend who he never ever hangs out with outside of school. He once said that I am his "best friend" which is weird because we barely talk. Anyway when these girlfriends are gone I'm back in the picture, when they come back I barely hear from him. During this summer I saw him 3 times. The first was by accident and he picked me up and twirled me when he saw me. The 2nd was at my bbq party and the 3rd was the next day. He came to my house to watch a movie and during the movie he kept saying things like why don't you kiss me, cuddle with me, you're a chicken because you're not trying to get with me. When I did try to cuddle he's like NO! etc. Anyway, he eventually said he knows what's going on and how I feel about him, even if it's unsaid. I told him I love him (not specifying how), but I don't have a crush on him.
I know I can't be with him, because we drive each other crazy as friends and he's a player.
But that's not the point. He left his myspace logged on my computer, and when I read through his messages (I know I shouldn't have!) I realized he says whatever he needs to get what he wants.
1. How is he so slick and smooth? The way he talks..he never stutters.
2. How can he play each girl but I can't even keep my crush from him?
3. How do I stop being so tense when I am with guys I like and relax?
4. Is it all about experience?
VictorM's advice:
Some people are good at that sorta thing. It's not a school you go to or a matter of experience. Like athletic ability or singing talent, you can improve it but you have to be born with it.
Maybe he's smooth because he's doing something that feels natural and good. At his age, being a "player" is a subjective term. He may very well be attentive and complimentary to a lot of girls at the same time and actually mean it. The truth is, there are lots of attractive, smart, sexy, and very appealing girls and the notion that a guy should focus on only one is what is highly unnatural.
Maybe if you realize that liking boys, liking to get their attention, liking them to like you is a very natural thing you wouldn't be so tense. If you realize that you're not marrying them, you're not having their child, you just want some of their attention for a while, maybe you too can relax and enjoy.
Try doing some flirting and casual talking with guys you don't particularly care for. See how it feels. You probably will find out you can do that with guys you like. Just focus and getting their attention for a minute, one witty line or one flirty comment at a time. Then walk away in triumph. Repeat as the mood strikes you.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
She wrote a letter to a guy
Stacey, 17, from New York, asks:
I wrote a letter to a guy I really like telling him that I would like to be FRIENDS. When he gave me a letter back, he wrote (and I quote), "I would like to be MORE THAN FRIENDS". Then I wrote him again and said I thought it was a great idea, if he really wanted to do it (go out, that is!). Well, the problem starts there... whenever I see him, he never looks at me in any special way, never talks to me or even says "Hi", and he acts normal when he's with his friends and he's suddenly all quiet when we're alone.. it makes me feel envious of his friends because he opens up to them and not me, and he hardly ever smiles at me unless I do it first! It's seriously like he's acting like he doesn't even know me, and it tears me up! I just want to kiss him and smack him at the same time! I wouldn't really call him shy-- I think moody would be a pretty okay description! Well, I want to know why he does this when he says he likes me... and do you think he wants me to make the first big move? I want to, but I'm afraid he'll push me away or get bitchy at me if I try to touch him!! Now THAT would really suck for me...oh, and he acts totally clueless whenever I'm flirting with him, and he doesn't flirt back! OY.....what is up with him? and what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Stacey, boys around your age have an innate need to seek challenges and overcome them. Their testosterone is flowing at warped speed and they need to do stuff that enables them to metaphorically go to the top of the mountain and bang their chest as a sign of success (also known as bragging rights).
When he said he wanted more than friendship and you replied that it was a great idea, two things happened: 1) you gave him bragging rights without him having to lift a finger, and 2) you removed the challenge from his life. Hell, he's saying to himself, if Stacey was so easy, what about Sue, and Brooke, and Shaina... etc etc. He's after bragging rights, not a woman to marry. At his age, he may not even be after sex yet (too scary at this point, which is why he's avoiding your flirting -- he doesn't want to be in a situation he's not ready for yet). So, he's doing enough to keep you away because he has no interest in being more than friends with a girl who posed no challenge at all.
Will you taking the initiative work? Probably not. I think you have a better chance of success if you start ignoring him and making him wonder what's with you. That curiosity and your cold shoulder for a while may be enough to make you a challenge again. Don't be rude to him, just not too friendly.
I wrote a letter to a guy I really like telling him that I would like to be FRIENDS. When he gave me a letter back, he wrote (and I quote), "I would like to be MORE THAN FRIENDS". Then I wrote him again and said I thought it was a great idea, if he really wanted to do it (go out, that is!). Well, the problem starts there... whenever I see him, he never looks at me in any special way, never talks to me or even says "Hi", and he acts normal when he's with his friends and he's suddenly all quiet when we're alone.. it makes me feel envious of his friends because he opens up to them and not me, and he hardly ever smiles at me unless I do it first! It's seriously like he's acting like he doesn't even know me, and it tears me up! I just want to kiss him and smack him at the same time! I wouldn't really call him shy-- I think moody would be a pretty okay description! Well, I want to know why he does this when he says he likes me... and do you think he wants me to make the first big move? I want to, but I'm afraid he'll push me away or get bitchy at me if I try to touch him!! Now THAT would really suck for me...oh, and he acts totally clueless whenever I'm flirting with him, and he doesn't flirt back! OY.....what is up with him? and what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Stacey, boys around your age have an innate need to seek challenges and overcome them. Their testosterone is flowing at warped speed and they need to do stuff that enables them to metaphorically go to the top of the mountain and bang their chest as a sign of success (also known as bragging rights).
When he said he wanted more than friendship and you replied that it was a great idea, two things happened: 1) you gave him bragging rights without him having to lift a finger, and 2) you removed the challenge from his life. Hell, he's saying to himself, if Stacey was so easy, what about Sue, and Brooke, and Shaina... etc etc. He's after bragging rights, not a woman to marry. At his age, he may not even be after sex yet (too scary at this point, which is why he's avoiding your flirting -- he doesn't want to be in a situation he's not ready for yet). So, he's doing enough to keep you away because he has no interest in being more than friends with a girl who posed no challenge at all.
Will you taking the initiative work? Probably not. I think you have a better chance of success if you start ignoring him and making him wonder what's with you. That curiosity and your cold shoulder for a while may be enough to make you a challenge again. Don't be rude to him, just not too friendly.
He's everything she ever wanted in a guy
Anna, 14, from somewhere, asks:
I REALLY like this boy. He's 2 years older than me. He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy. Literally. I'm a varsity cheerleader and he is a varsity football player. Everyone I know tells me that we would make a good couple and they think it's really sweet. I mean really, I really like him. I'm not the type to go out with just anybody so I haven't had a lot of boyfriends. I tense up really bad sometimes when I'm around guys. I don't know why. My brother and him are friends and I know his family and his sister and me are friends, and his cousin and me are like really good friends. PLEASE tell me what to do and say to him. I want to make this work so bad that it hurts. Really. I cry basically every time I think about it. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Do not let him know that you feel about him the way you do. Seek first to spend more time with him in friends-only situations, so that you can get to know him a bit better and he can relate to you some more.
In your case, it shouldn't be that hard to do. You have enough access to people who should know what he's into. Once you know that information, talk to him about topics he knows a lot about. There are few things a guy likes more than to impress people with what they know. And if he gets positive feed back, he'll kill to be around such people. You should try to be one of those people to him. Once he spends more time with you there is no guarantee he will want to be your boyfriend, but your odds vastly improve.
So, find out what he likes and show an interest on those topics. Give him simple, short, and sincere compliments, making sure to use his name. For example: "New shirt, Bill? Looks nice." "New haircut, Bill... I like it." Remember... simple, short, and sincere compliments. Oh, and smile.
Try to spend alone time with him without having to ask him out. For example, say: "Oh man, I so want to see [pick a new movie] but I hate to go alone." Notice there's no question. If he's interested, he'll volunteer to go with you. If not, well, you never asked, so you don't have to deal with rejection.
You actually cry about it? I mean, with real tears and all? How cute. :)
I REALLY like this boy. He's 2 years older than me. He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy. Literally. I'm a varsity cheerleader and he is a varsity football player. Everyone I know tells me that we would make a good couple and they think it's really sweet. I mean really, I really like him. I'm not the type to go out with just anybody so I haven't had a lot of boyfriends. I tense up really bad sometimes when I'm around guys. I don't know why. My brother and him are friends and I know his family and his sister and me are friends, and his cousin and me are like really good friends. PLEASE tell me what to do and say to him. I want to make this work so bad that it hurts. Really. I cry basically every time I think about it. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Do not let him know that you feel about him the way you do. Seek first to spend more time with him in friends-only situations, so that you can get to know him a bit better and he can relate to you some more.
In your case, it shouldn't be that hard to do. You have enough access to people who should know what he's into. Once you know that information, talk to him about topics he knows a lot about. There are few things a guy likes more than to impress people with what they know. And if he gets positive feed back, he'll kill to be around such people. You should try to be one of those people to him. Once he spends more time with you there is no guarantee he will want to be your boyfriend, but your odds vastly improve.
So, find out what he likes and show an interest on those topics. Give him simple, short, and sincere compliments, making sure to use his name. For example: "New shirt, Bill? Looks nice." "New haircut, Bill... I like it." Remember... simple, short, and sincere compliments. Oh, and smile.
Try to spend alone time with him without having to ask him out. For example, say: "Oh man, I so want to see [pick a new movie] but I hate to go alone." Notice there's no question. If he's interested, he'll volunteer to go with you. If not, well, you never asked, so you don't have to deal with rejection.
You actually cry about it? I mean, with real tears and all? How cute. :)
He broke-up with her without an explanation
Emma, 19, asks:
Hey! Remember me? I'm back again. I stopped asking my boyfriend about what was happening when school started again. BUT HE BROKE UP WITH ME! No explanation whatsoever, he's even avoiding me. The thing about it is, he was fine and flirty ten minutes before this happened. He said he had felt weird around me for some time. Funny how during that time he continued to fool around with me and treat me like his girlfriend (really well actually). According to his friends he still likes me.
Today we worked a food stand together at an outdoor festival, and I did my best to ignore him (not avoid mind you-or cold shoulder...just steering clear to save myself too much pain). He kept touching my back, and I kept catching him staring at me. He still hasn't explained himself, and I really want him back (I don't know why?)....Can you help me? Or is it a lost cause?
VictorM's advice:
Emma, from Chicago, the one with the 17 year old boyfriend, right? I warned you in my last reply that "no matter what he says today, things could change tomorrow." And so now, they have.
You said last time: "I don't think he would be letting things get as serious as they are if he didn't really like me back." You were right, just your timing was off a bit. He stopped it because it was getting too serious. All along you wanted something far more serious than he was ready for. He was smart enough to recognize it.
The acting like you're still his girlfriend, touching your back, and looking at you are acts of sympathy, not romance. He knows you're hurting and he's doing what he thinks will ease the blow, not realizing it just makes things worse.
His friends are probably right the he likes you, as in he thinks you're a nice girl and he wishes you nothing but the best, but he's moved on as far as a romantic partnership with you is concerned. Basically, he likes you, just not enough.
He behaved honorably. It's not easy breaking up with someone you like, but he showed the courage to do it. So let him be. He's going back to the simpler life of high school sophomores and juniors, where he belongs. You're off to college where you'll have a lot more in common with the boys there. And there will be plenty of them. So toss the pacifier in the trash and spend your energies looking ahead, not looking back.
College can be boat loads of fun; prepare yourself to a world of possibilities and excitement.
Hey! Remember me? I'm back again. I stopped asking my boyfriend about what was happening when school started again. BUT HE BROKE UP WITH ME! No explanation whatsoever, he's even avoiding me. The thing about it is, he was fine and flirty ten minutes before this happened. He said he had felt weird around me for some time. Funny how during that time he continued to fool around with me and treat me like his girlfriend (really well actually). According to his friends he still likes me.
Today we worked a food stand together at an outdoor festival, and I did my best to ignore him (not avoid mind you-or cold shoulder...just steering clear to save myself too much pain). He kept touching my back, and I kept catching him staring at me. He still hasn't explained himself, and I really want him back (I don't know why?)....Can you help me? Or is it a lost cause?
VictorM's advice:
Emma, from Chicago, the one with the 17 year old boyfriend, right? I warned you in my last reply that "no matter what he says today, things could change tomorrow." And so now, they have.
You said last time: "I don't think he would be letting things get as serious as they are if he didn't really like me back." You were right, just your timing was off a bit. He stopped it because it was getting too serious. All along you wanted something far more serious than he was ready for. He was smart enough to recognize it.
The acting like you're still his girlfriend, touching your back, and looking at you are acts of sympathy, not romance. He knows you're hurting and he's doing what he thinks will ease the blow, not realizing it just makes things worse.
His friends are probably right the he likes you, as in he thinks you're a nice girl and he wishes you nothing but the best, but he's moved on as far as a romantic partnership with you is concerned. Basically, he likes you, just not enough.
He behaved honorably. It's not easy breaking up with someone you like, but he showed the courage to do it. So let him be. He's going back to the simpler life of high school sophomores and juniors, where he belongs. You're off to college where you'll have a lot more in common with the boys there. And there will be plenty of them. So toss the pacifier in the trash and spend your energies looking ahead, not looking back.
College can be boat loads of fun; prepare yourself to a world of possibilities and excitement.
They talk on the phone all the time
Samantha, 25, from FL, asks:
I've been friends with this guy for a couple months now. We talk on the phone all the time and he shows an interest in things I like. Even if I tell him I like something that he doesn't next thing I know a couple weeks later he likes it too. I confessed my true feelings to him but he said we can't be more than friends because we work together. He didn't say anything about not liking me back. About a week later, he started to date an old girlfriend. I figured I wouldn't hear from him anymore, but it is just the opposite. He calls me after he drops her off from them hanging out together or on his way to pick her up. He even calls me to talk about nothing. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know he calls me because it is usually in the middle of the night. I am so confused if this guy has feelings for me or not. Is it possible that he likes me but because of our job he has decided to try to move on? I know that if it's meant to be it will, but I really like him and it's hard to be friends with him and hear him talk about her. Thanks for listening.
VictorM's advice:
You made the same mistake I very forcefully preach against on this site: you told him you like him; that's a no-no. When a girl does that in a situation such as yours, contrary to what you think, you REMOVE the incentive for him to want you. The reason is that you give the guy too much control. He knows you like him. He knows he can have you anytime he wants to. You are "in the bag", so to speak. You are not a challenge anymore. And you're also a danger because you probably want something serious. So, he can focus is conquering, manly, non-committal energies into another target knowing that you're there as a last resort.
If you want him as a friend only and want to linger on the shelf while he dates others, continue what you're doing. But if you want to increase your chances of him desiring you, stop taking his calls, play hard to get, and pay less attention to him. Do not be mean. Do not be rude. Be polite but distant. He'll either work to get your attention back or he won't care. Either reaction is better than what you have now.
I've been friends with this guy for a couple months now. We talk on the phone all the time and he shows an interest in things I like. Even if I tell him I like something that he doesn't next thing I know a couple weeks later he likes it too. I confessed my true feelings to him but he said we can't be more than friends because we work together. He didn't say anything about not liking me back. About a week later, he started to date an old girlfriend. I figured I wouldn't hear from him anymore, but it is just the opposite. He calls me after he drops her off from them hanging out together or on his way to pick her up. He even calls me to talk about nothing. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know he calls me because it is usually in the middle of the night. I am so confused if this guy has feelings for me or not. Is it possible that he likes me but because of our job he has decided to try to move on? I know that if it's meant to be it will, but I really like him and it's hard to be friends with him and hear him talk about her. Thanks for listening.
VictorM's advice:
You made the same mistake I very forcefully preach against on this site: you told him you like him; that's a no-no. When a girl does that in a situation such as yours, contrary to what you think, you REMOVE the incentive for him to want you. The reason is that you give the guy too much control. He knows you like him. He knows he can have you anytime he wants to. You are "in the bag", so to speak. You are not a challenge anymore. And you're also a danger because you probably want something serious. So, he can focus is conquering, manly, non-committal energies into another target knowing that you're there as a last resort.
If you want him as a friend only and want to linger on the shelf while he dates others, continue what you're doing. But if you want to increase your chances of him desiring you, stop taking his calls, play hard to get, and pay less attention to him. Do not be mean. Do not be rude. Be polite but distant. He'll either work to get your attention back or he won't care. Either reaction is better than what you have now.
Is it his sconscience or is he not into her?
Justwondering, 30, asks:
I am separated from my husband, (in my state you have a waiting period before you get a divorce). This guy I've been seeing just recently told me his conscience is getting to him about me still being married and he wants to cool things off. We have been best friends and together almost everyday, it's not always sexual either, we sometimes just hang out. We always give each other a nice goodnight kiss but sometimes that is it.. My question is, could it really be his conscience or is he really not into me? He says he still wants to hang out just not as much to make it "easier". Is this BS or not? I do feel like I love him, so is that clouding reality for me?
VictorM's advice:
Come on, he knew your situation when it all started, didn't he? And how does seeing you less make it easier on his conscience? Can you imagine someone who feels guilty for cheating on a spouse 5 times a month be relieved of that guilt by cheating only three times? It's not the frequency, it's the act itself. If he said he wouldn't see you until after your divorce is final I could more easily believe him about it being a matter of conscience, but that he only wants to ease up on seeing you makes no sense. Also, I could more easily believe him if he had said he felt a bit rushed and wanted to slow things down purely for the sake of taking it easier and allowing you two to get to know each other better. That would seem to me a reasonable approach. So I call it bullshit that he's using his conscience as a reason. He's cooling off and using his "conscience" only as an excuse.
He's pulling away and like most men he wants to avoid hurting your feelings. Just read my archives and you'll see tons of questions about men not having the balls to be direct with a woman when his interest declines. Your question is another one for that collection.
I am separated from my husband, (in my state you have a waiting period before you get a divorce). This guy I've been seeing just recently told me his conscience is getting to him about me still being married and he wants to cool things off. We have been best friends and together almost everyday, it's not always sexual either, we sometimes just hang out. We always give each other a nice goodnight kiss but sometimes that is it.. My question is, could it really be his conscience or is he really not into me? He says he still wants to hang out just not as much to make it "easier". Is this BS or not? I do feel like I love him, so is that clouding reality for me?
VictorM's advice:
Come on, he knew your situation when it all started, didn't he? And how does seeing you less make it easier on his conscience? Can you imagine someone who feels guilty for cheating on a spouse 5 times a month be relieved of that guilt by cheating only three times? It's not the frequency, it's the act itself. If he said he wouldn't see you until after your divorce is final I could more easily believe him about it being a matter of conscience, but that he only wants to ease up on seeing you makes no sense. Also, I could more easily believe him if he had said he felt a bit rushed and wanted to slow things down purely for the sake of taking it easier and allowing you two to get to know each other better. That would seem to me a reasonable approach. So I call it bullshit that he's using his conscience as a reason. He's cooling off and using his "conscience" only as an excuse.
He's pulling away and like most men he wants to avoid hurting your feelings. Just read my archives and you'll see tons of questions about men not having the balls to be direct with a woman when his interest declines. Your question is another one for that collection.
He is a bit selfish and stubborn
Allison, 23, from Washington, DC, asks:
My boyfriend is in two softball leagues, one wallyball league, a flag football league, and plays golf at least once a week and he also goes away at least 4 long weekends a year with his guy friends. On the weekends he goes away, he gets so drunk that he can't hold a phone conversation with me at the end of the night. Am I justified in saying that he is a bit selfish and stubborn because he opts to be involved in everything without regards for me and our time together, let alone getting so wasted he can't even talk?
VictorM's advice:
Well, you can call him all the names you want, but it won't change the fact that he likes what he likes and he's out doing it. Maybe it would be a better use of your time to search for words that describe a woman who is still his girlfriend.
My boyfriend is in two softball leagues, one wallyball league, a flag football league, and plays golf at least once a week and he also goes away at least 4 long weekends a year with his guy friends. On the weekends he goes away, he gets so drunk that he can't hold a phone conversation with me at the end of the night. Am I justified in saying that he is a bit selfish and stubborn because he opts to be involved in everything without regards for me and our time together, let alone getting so wasted he can't even talk?
VictorM's advice:
Well, you can call him all the names you want, but it won't change the fact that he likes what he likes and he's out doing it. Maybe it would be a better use of your time to search for words that describe a woman who is still his girlfriend.
Monday, August 27, 2007
They said spiteful things to each other
Samantha, 20, from Georgia, asks:
I dated a guy for over 2 years since my senior year in high school up until the summer after my sophomore year in college. We were each other's first loves and longest relationships. However, he ended it a little over a month ago. For several months before the break up, we were constantly getting into arguments and because of our stubborn natures neither of us would easily back down, but say hateful thing after another, and trust me, we really said very spiteful things to each other. During those few months we also seemed to talk less and less, when he used to be so adament about talking every chance we got.
He broke up with me saying that all my hurtful remarks led him to believe that he is an awful person. Let me repeat, but we both said hurtful things. Not even two weeks after the breakup he informed me he was seeing someone, but then a month later told me he said that he only said that to piss me off. At this time he also told me he still loved me, always will, and does not want to fight off the fact that he wants to be with me. He wanted to work things out. However, I never saw any effort in his part. He never asked to do anything together or spend time together. He seemed more interested in going out with a friend (who is a girl) than to try to meet up with me. He seemed to be waiting for me to DO something while he would only SAY things. Why is it that he only seems to say how much he cares and loves me and wants me back, but does not seem to put any effort in doing anything about it?
Just last night we got in an argument about this whole situation, and he told me to just leave him alone. Could this be out of anger, since we were practically screaming at each other? I called this morning just to wish him a happy birthday (as today is his birthday) but has not heard from him.
This situation confuses the hell out of me and if you could enlighten me on some of his behaviors, I would like to put this all behind me and move on.
VictorM's advice:
He has a hate/love relationship with you. His head is telling him to stay away from you, his heart is telling him otherwise. The words coming out of his mouth sometimes reflect his heart, sometime his head. One day he wants to work things out (his heart talking), and another day he tells you to leave him alone (his head speaking).
But unless the head and the heart are in sync, you have nothing. So do this boy a favor and leave him alone. He's not struggling to be with you, he's struggling to free himself from you.
I dated a guy for over 2 years since my senior year in high school up until the summer after my sophomore year in college. We were each other's first loves and longest relationships. However, he ended it a little over a month ago. For several months before the break up, we were constantly getting into arguments and because of our stubborn natures neither of us would easily back down, but say hateful thing after another, and trust me, we really said very spiteful things to each other. During those few months we also seemed to talk less and less, when he used to be so adament about talking every chance we got.
He broke up with me saying that all my hurtful remarks led him to believe that he is an awful person. Let me repeat, but we both said hurtful things. Not even two weeks after the breakup he informed me he was seeing someone, but then a month later told me he said that he only said that to piss me off. At this time he also told me he still loved me, always will, and does not want to fight off the fact that he wants to be with me. He wanted to work things out. However, I never saw any effort in his part. He never asked to do anything together or spend time together. He seemed more interested in going out with a friend (who is a girl) than to try to meet up with me. He seemed to be waiting for me to DO something while he would only SAY things. Why is it that he only seems to say how much he cares and loves me and wants me back, but does not seem to put any effort in doing anything about it?
Just last night we got in an argument about this whole situation, and he told me to just leave him alone. Could this be out of anger, since we were practically screaming at each other? I called this morning just to wish him a happy birthday (as today is his birthday) but has not heard from him.
This situation confuses the hell out of me and if you could enlighten me on some of his behaviors, I would like to put this all behind me and move on.
VictorM's advice:
He has a hate/love relationship with you. His head is telling him to stay away from you, his heart is telling him otherwise. The words coming out of his mouth sometimes reflect his heart, sometime his head. One day he wants to work things out (his heart talking), and another day he tells you to leave him alone (his head speaking).
But unless the head and the heart are in sync, you have nothing. So do this boy a favor and leave him alone. He's not struggling to be with you, he's struggling to free himself from you.
50/50 phone bills
lisa, 23, from germany, asks:
My boyfriend barely calls and when he calls most of the time he wants me to call him back (because it's so expensive for him. I DO HAVE TO PAY MY PHONE BILL TOO). Sometimes he gets mad if I didn't look at the phone and answered it and it was him than. If he has to charge his phone with minutes or I have to pay my phone bill is the same and I think it should be 50/50 also because he makes more money than me. It's just weird, at the beginning till a year it was mainly him calling or we switched and now acting totally ghetto like with the phone calls. It's not that he doesn't buy things for me or been greedy getting flowers or so but the phone calls, what the heck. I don't know what to say or think about it anymore and I even said to him one time that we should switch on calling.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe it's not so much that he wants you to pay as much as it is that he would like to talk less on the phone. I don't know about your boyfriend, but most guys really can do with a lot less phone talking than girls do. Maybe he's afraid to tell you that, so he's using the money as an excuse.
My boyfriend barely calls and when he calls most of the time he wants me to call him back (because it's so expensive for him. I DO HAVE TO PAY MY PHONE BILL TOO). Sometimes he gets mad if I didn't look at the phone and answered it and it was him than. If he has to charge his phone with minutes or I have to pay my phone bill is the same and I think it should be 50/50 also because he makes more money than me. It's just weird, at the beginning till a year it was mainly him calling or we switched and now acting totally ghetto like with the phone calls. It's not that he doesn't buy things for me or been greedy getting flowers or so but the phone calls, what the heck. I don't know what to say or think about it anymore and I even said to him one time that we should switch on calling.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe it's not so much that he wants you to pay as much as it is that he would like to talk less on the phone. I don't know about your boyfriend, but most guys really can do with a lot less phone talking than girls do. Maybe he's afraid to tell you that, so he's using the money as an excuse.
She has an online crush
Samatha, 20, from USA, asks:
I met this guy 2 months ago online. Neither of us have been in a long distance (online relationship.) I've brought it up a couple of times but seems to get no where (we seem to move on a different subjects). I've asked him before if he had any feelings for me, which he replyed with a "yes".... yet nothing serious is going on. I really do have a huge crush on this guy. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You're 20 years old. I assume he's around the same age. From a guy's point of you, to grow any serious interest in you he needs to feel you, taste you, smell you. He'll keep chatting with you as long as his fantasy of laying his hands on you are alive. But when it comes to his feelings, "Yes" is not an answer; it's a delaying tactic.
What you should do is continue to talk to the guy, find out more about him, but realize that unless you live very close to each other, it won't mean a thing. Spent more time meeting guys in the flesh or else you're going to regret wasting the best years of your life at the keyboard.
I met this guy 2 months ago online. Neither of us have been in a long distance (online relationship.) I've brought it up a couple of times but seems to get no where (we seem to move on a different subjects). I've asked him before if he had any feelings for me, which he replyed with a "yes".... yet nothing serious is going on. I really do have a huge crush on this guy. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You're 20 years old. I assume he's around the same age. From a guy's point of you, to grow any serious interest in you he needs to feel you, taste you, smell you. He'll keep chatting with you as long as his fantasy of laying his hands on you are alive. But when it comes to his feelings, "Yes" is not an answer; it's a delaying tactic.
What you should do is continue to talk to the guy, find out more about him, but realize that unless you live very close to each other, it won't mean a thing. Spent more time meeting guys in the flesh or else you're going to regret wasting the best years of your life at the keyboard.
Three "sort-of" dates
G, 26, from NYC, asks:
I had three "sort-of dates" with a guy (friend of a friend) in one week, we slept together twice, and now I have no idea where we stand. He hasn't called and took 3 days to respond to a casual text. I don't know if he's "just not into me" or if he's taking a breather since we saw each other 3 times the first week of knowing each other, and that was only one week ago.
Here is how the marathon week transpired: The morning after our first date (we slept together) he suggested doing something on Wed., but then didn't call to confirm. I called him, he sounded surprised, but we did keep the Wed plan. During that date I mentioned my Friday plans and he invited himself along, again a group thing. We hung out alone afterward for several hours and he invited me home--I went.
We haven't spoken since. Just a couple of texts with long delay in between. I want to just "see what happens," but also don't want to maintain hope if I'm just being a silly girl who gave it up too quickly. Help?
VictorM's advice:
His seems to be a natural and wise path to finding out more about you before you two become an item. You may not like the pace, but what he's doing is what most sensible guys do. He's taking it nice, slow, and easy. So try to control that screaming biological clock of yours and enjoy the ride.
I had three "sort-of dates" with a guy (friend of a friend) in one week, we slept together twice, and now I have no idea where we stand. He hasn't called and took 3 days to respond to a casual text. I don't know if he's "just not into me" or if he's taking a breather since we saw each other 3 times the first week of knowing each other, and that was only one week ago.
Here is how the marathon week transpired: The morning after our first date (we slept together) he suggested doing something on Wed., but then didn't call to confirm. I called him, he sounded surprised, but we did keep the Wed plan. During that date I mentioned my Friday plans and he invited himself along, again a group thing. We hung out alone afterward for several hours and he invited me home--I went.
We haven't spoken since. Just a couple of texts with long delay in between. I want to just "see what happens," but also don't want to maintain hope if I'm just being a silly girl who gave it up too quickly. Help?
VictorM's advice:
His seems to be a natural and wise path to finding out more about you before you two become an item. You may not like the pace, but what he's doing is what most sensible guys do. He's taking it nice, slow, and easy. So try to control that screaming biological clock of yours and enjoy the ride.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Away for the weekend
I went away for the weekend. I will return on Monday, August 27 and will start answering your questions.
Friday, August 24, 2007
He's taking his stress out on her
eliza, 15, from somewhere over the rainbow, asks:
I have a question with my boyfriend. He has been under a lot of stress lately - he has 2 football practices a day and he's having some troubles with his family (just like yelling over small things and stuff), which has been making him a little grumpy at times. He takes out this crankiness on me and I end up getting hurt. What should I do about this? Is it going to get better?
VictorM's advice:
Start off by not making excuses for his crankiness. If you do, you're allowing the behavior to continue. Don't let that happen. Next time he takes it out on you, be stern and tell him to stop it! Tell him you're on his side. If he can't see that, he better leave until he does. One of two things will happen: 1) he will leave you because you don't put up with his crap. If that happens, good for you; you get rid of a jerk before things get worse, or 2) he will simmer down (even if he leaves at first) and learns that his little tantrums don't work with you and his childish behavior will stop.
Let me tell you, the pressures he faces a teenager are nothing compared to what he will face as an adult. If he can't handle this now, it will only get worse. You're getting a peek into his personality. Be careful with the decisions you make now, for they will determined the kind of person you become and how much you let a man dump on you.
Don't let any man dump on you, ever, for whatever reason.
I have a question with my boyfriend. He has been under a lot of stress lately - he has 2 football practices a day and he's having some troubles with his family (just like yelling over small things and stuff), which has been making him a little grumpy at times. He takes out this crankiness on me and I end up getting hurt. What should I do about this? Is it going to get better?
VictorM's advice:
Start off by not making excuses for his crankiness. If you do, you're allowing the behavior to continue. Don't let that happen. Next time he takes it out on you, be stern and tell him to stop it! Tell him you're on his side. If he can't see that, he better leave until he does. One of two things will happen: 1) he will leave you because you don't put up with his crap. If that happens, good for you; you get rid of a jerk before things get worse, or 2) he will simmer down (even if he leaves at first) and learns that his little tantrums don't work with you and his childish behavior will stop.
Let me tell you, the pressures he faces a teenager are nothing compared to what he will face as an adult. If he can't handle this now, it will only get worse. You're getting a peek into his personality. Be careful with the decisions you make now, for they will determined the kind of person you become and how much you let a man dump on you.
Don't let any man dump on you, ever, for whatever reason.
The sexiest single in Boston
Lisa, 40, from Boston, asks:
I dated a man for about 2 months. He was really nice and we had a lot of fun on our dates. He seemed really crazy about me, would say things like "when we get married", or "I'm the right guy for you". He was always respectful as far as sex was concerned. Didn't lay a hand on me until about a few weeks ago.....we didn't have sex just some heavy petting. Anyway to complicate matters I was chosen as one the "sexiest singles in my city" I was photographed and my picture was in our local newspaper along with a "bio" about me and an e-mail address so men can contact me. I told my honey about this from the very beginning and wasn't going to do it, but he encouraged me and said he thought it was great.The thing is I haven't heard from him since I was featured in the paper and then he blew me off via e-mail wishing me luck. My question is, what happened? Why doesn't he want to date me anymore?
VictorM's advice:
When a guy starts with too much intensity (talking about marriage and stuff like that so early on) he's clearly running on too much romantic energy. Eventually, that simmers down. I believe that it was not the publishing of the story that was the beginning of the end; I think it started when he encouraged you to go for it. That's when his romantic energy for you started fizzing out and he was pushing you towards other guys. Think back and I wouldn't be surprised if you can detect a slowing down of interest back then. That he fully pulled away when the feature was published sounds like just coincidence.
If there is another reason specifically related to you being featured after he encouraged to do so, I can't imagine what it could be. But for future reference, beware of guys that come on like stallions right off the gate; too often it leads to major burn out rather quickly.
I dated a man for about 2 months. He was really nice and we had a lot of fun on our dates. He seemed really crazy about me, would say things like "when we get married", or "I'm the right guy for you". He was always respectful as far as sex was concerned. Didn't lay a hand on me until about a few weeks ago.....we didn't have sex just some heavy petting. Anyway to complicate matters I was chosen as one the "sexiest singles in my city" I was photographed and my picture was in our local newspaper along with a "bio" about me and an e-mail address so men can contact me. I told my honey about this from the very beginning and wasn't going to do it, but he encouraged me and said he thought it was great.The thing is I haven't heard from him since I was featured in the paper and then he blew me off via e-mail wishing me luck. My question is, what happened? Why doesn't he want to date me anymore?
VictorM's advice:
When a guy starts with too much intensity (talking about marriage and stuff like that so early on) he's clearly running on too much romantic energy. Eventually, that simmers down. I believe that it was not the publishing of the story that was the beginning of the end; I think it started when he encouraged you to go for it. That's when his romantic energy for you started fizzing out and he was pushing you towards other guys. Think back and I wouldn't be surprised if you can detect a slowing down of interest back then. That he fully pulled away when the feature was published sounds like just coincidence.
If there is another reason specifically related to you being featured after he encouraged to do so, I can't imagine what it could be. But for future reference, beware of guys that come on like stallions right off the gate; too often it leads to major burn out rather quickly.
A sweet guy that wants to take things slow
April, 22, from Atlanta, asks:
Hey. I REALLY need your help. Here's the deal: I've been dating this really amazing guy for about a month in a half now. We have been taking things really slow and I like that. The other night we had a big misunderstanding. He told me that he couldn't see himself having sex with me, which I took as him saying he wasn't attracted to me (he later explained that what he meant was that he didn't want sex to mess things up since we're taking it slow). This is probably where I messed up: I asked if that meant that he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me ever because I thought he was saying he wasn't sexually attracted to me. The next thing I knew he told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that I was trying to complicate things, which came a a shock to me because I thought he did want one eventually and was not what I was trying to say at all. I really, honestly wasn't trying to back him in a corner or demand he be a boyfriend, but that's how he took it. I felt that since he made it known that he didn't want what I wanted I'd cut my losses so I stopped talking to him for two days. When we finally talked we discussed what happened and realized it was I big misunderstanding. I see that he is a really sweet guy that just wants to take things slow and I want to as well, but know it feels like I've revealed too much and I've really messed things up. Please tell me that this can be repaired because I now see that he was trying to get things to lead up to a relationship. I know a totally messed up. If you help me I owe you big time!!!
VictorM's advice:
You didn't mess anything up. He now knows you like him and that's not a bad thing. That you two were mature enough to talk about the misunderstanding matters more. As long as you don't press him, he'll probably be fine. Just let him take things a bit slower.
There's nothing to repair because nothing is wrong. Just proceed with him as if you guys didn't have that conversation. Don't bring it up again, unless he does. Otherwise, just keep seeing him and enjoying each other's company.
Hey. I REALLY need your help. Here's the deal: I've been dating this really amazing guy for about a month in a half now. We have been taking things really slow and I like that. The other night we had a big misunderstanding. He told me that he couldn't see himself having sex with me, which I took as him saying he wasn't attracted to me (he later explained that what he meant was that he didn't want sex to mess things up since we're taking it slow). This is probably where I messed up: I asked if that meant that he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me ever because I thought he was saying he wasn't sexually attracted to me. The next thing I knew he told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that I was trying to complicate things, which came a a shock to me because I thought he did want one eventually and was not what I was trying to say at all. I really, honestly wasn't trying to back him in a corner or demand he be a boyfriend, but that's how he took it. I felt that since he made it known that he didn't want what I wanted I'd cut my losses so I stopped talking to him for two days. When we finally talked we discussed what happened and realized it was I big misunderstanding. I see that he is a really sweet guy that just wants to take things slow and I want to as well, but know it feels like I've revealed too much and I've really messed things up. Please tell me that this can be repaired because I now see that he was trying to get things to lead up to a relationship. I know a totally messed up. If you help me I owe you big time!!!
VictorM's advice:
You didn't mess anything up. He now knows you like him and that's not a bad thing. That you two were mature enough to talk about the misunderstanding matters more. As long as you don't press him, he'll probably be fine. Just let him take things a bit slower.
There's nothing to repair because nothing is wrong. Just proceed with him as if you guys didn't have that conversation. Don't bring it up again, unless he does. Otherwise, just keep seeing him and enjoying each other's company.
He rejected her but flirts with her now
Mhairi, 29, from Barcelona, asks:
Why did he reject me but flirts all the time?
I asked a guy from my social group if he felt there had been chemistry between us the weekend before, as I felt there had been, we had been looking into each other's eyes a lot, and someone outside the group also asked if we were a couple. He said sorry but no, but then since then has asked me out to dinner with him and a friend, bought me a plastic flashing ring, touches me all the time, takes me by the hand to lead me through nightclubs, goes out of his way a bit to walk me home, teases me, sits next to me at tables etc etc? Does he like me or not? I am very confused. He is shy and inexperienced with women as far as I can tell, and 4 years younger than me. I have had 3 serious long-term relationships.
VictorM's advice:
Clearly he likes you, but not in a romantic way. But since he knows you like him, he can flirt all he wants knowing you won't shut him down. He's flirting with you because he knows he can. He gets some reaction from you and that feeds his ego. And because he's shy he can do with you what he has problems doing with the women he's really attracted to. Shyness is, above all, lack of trust. He doesn't trust how other women will respond to his flirting, but he knows you'll accept it.
Why did he reject me but flirts all the time?
I asked a guy from my social group if he felt there had been chemistry between us the weekend before, as I felt there had been, we had been looking into each other's eyes a lot, and someone outside the group also asked if we were a couple. He said sorry but no, but then since then has asked me out to dinner with him and a friend, bought me a plastic flashing ring, touches me all the time, takes me by the hand to lead me through nightclubs, goes out of his way a bit to walk me home, teases me, sits next to me at tables etc etc? Does he like me or not? I am very confused. He is shy and inexperienced with women as far as I can tell, and 4 years younger than me. I have had 3 serious long-term relationships.
VictorM's advice:
Clearly he likes you, but not in a romantic way. But since he knows you like him, he can flirt all he wants knowing you won't shut him down. He's flirting with you because he knows he can. He gets some reaction from you and that feeds his ego. And because he's shy he can do with you what he has problems doing with the women he's really attracted to. Shyness is, above all, lack of trust. He doesn't trust how other women will respond to his flirting, but he knows you'll accept it.
Carla follow-up
Carla, 33, from united kingdom, asks:
Hi, it's Carla thank you for your comments Victor, there are a couple of things i would like to add to what i said. at all times my husband and his wife knew what was going on between us, we never hid any pat of our friendship, and the play fighting was only when we were at his house if he was winding me up, I would then ask his wife if it would be ok to hit him and if she said yes I would then smack him once ot twice about the head, but that was it, it was never more than that. When he made the comment to me about the fact that he would've married me first, I told him that he hadn't married me first and that he had met and fell in love with his wife first, and if there was anyway he could save his marriage he should do it, because it was to important to throw away. And the last thing is I love my husband and I would never cheat on him or leave him. And I know my friend always felt that way about his wife, I wasn't trying to be greedy, I just genuinely can't understand why we no longer have contact between us. I still see his wife every week and we are still close friends and I would never have even considered hurting her by trying to steal her husband from her.
VictorM's answer:
OK, so your play fighting wasn't quite as devious as it sounded, but Carla, stop the miss innocent nonsense! The guy talked about marrying you first. Clearly, this is not a topic that "just friends" talk about. Something more the friendship was in the air between you two and you have to be utterly naive to not think his wife senses it when you're playful with him.
Stop placing yourself at the center of the universe and allow the man to do what he feels he needs to do, for whatever reason he's doing it.
Hi, it's Carla thank you for your comments Victor, there are a couple of things i would like to add to what i said. at all times my husband and his wife knew what was going on between us, we never hid any pat of our friendship, and the play fighting was only when we were at his house if he was winding me up, I would then ask his wife if it would be ok to hit him and if she said yes I would then smack him once ot twice about the head, but that was it, it was never more than that. When he made the comment to me about the fact that he would've married me first, I told him that he hadn't married me first and that he had met and fell in love with his wife first, and if there was anyway he could save his marriage he should do it, because it was to important to throw away. And the last thing is I love my husband and I would never cheat on him or leave him. And I know my friend always felt that way about his wife, I wasn't trying to be greedy, I just genuinely can't understand why we no longer have contact between us. I still see his wife every week and we are still close friends and I would never have even considered hurting her by trying to steal her husband from her.
VictorM's answer:
OK, so your play fighting wasn't quite as devious as it sounded, but Carla, stop the miss innocent nonsense! The guy talked about marrying you first. Clearly, this is not a topic that "just friends" talk about. Something more the friendship was in the air between you two and you have to be utterly naive to not think his wife senses it when you're playful with him.
Stop placing yourself at the center of the universe and allow the man to do what he feels he needs to do, for whatever reason he's doing it.
She's attracted to an exotic dancer
Soo, 26, from SG, asks:
How do I attract a guy who works as an exotic dancer in a club? He knows he's very good looking. Women throw themselves at him everyday. I just want to intrigue him enough so that he will want to go out with me on a date. This is not a relationship seeking type of question.
VictorM's answer:
Do you even know him outside of the stage? Are you friends with him or at least talk to him when he's in "civilian clothing"? Because if you are, then ask him what probably no other woman asks him -- for a date to a movie, or museum, or someplace you know he's like to go as a normal guy. I would guess most women assume he has tons of dates or just emphasize his looks. Do something different. No guarantee he'll respond but that's my best suggestion.
If you only know him from where he works, that is, if you're only a customer then I really have no idea how you get his attention.
Anyone have other suggestions for Soo? And please, no lecturing Soo on her choice of guy, just provide an idea how she could go out with the guy.
How do I attract a guy who works as an exotic dancer in a club? He knows he's very good looking. Women throw themselves at him everyday. I just want to intrigue him enough so that he will want to go out with me on a date. This is not a relationship seeking type of question.
VictorM's answer:
Do you even know him outside of the stage? Are you friends with him or at least talk to him when he's in "civilian clothing"? Because if you are, then ask him what probably no other woman asks him -- for a date to a movie, or museum, or someplace you know he's like to go as a normal guy. I would guess most women assume he has tons of dates or just emphasize his looks. Do something different. No guarantee he'll respond but that's my best suggestion.
If you only know him from where he works, that is, if you're only a customer then I really have no idea how you get his attention.
Anyone have other suggestions for Soo? And please, no lecturing Soo on her choice of guy, just provide an idea how she could go out with the guy.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
She's attracted to a widower
DAWN, 35, from United States, asks:
I have this co-worker who I am very attracted to. We work very closely together and get along great. He was married for over 20 years and lost his wife to cancer about six months ago. I really would like to pursue a relationship but I do not know how to approach someone in this situation. How long should I wait, do I make the first move, etc.
VictorM's advice:
That he is a widower shouldn't change a thing about how you approach him. A bigger issue is him being your coworker and you two working closely together. Being together all day and night can turn into a living hell even if things work out well, but most certainly will be a nightmare if you breakup after. Unless you are willing to consider finding another job, keep off.
But work aside, I don't think much changes in terms of approaching him even if how he deals with having a new love interest is unpredictable. Who knows if he had a good relationship with her or not, or if he's ready to try again. But you never know these things about any one individual that you would meet some other way. So if you're interested in him, go about it as you would anyone else. He'll let you know where he stands.
I have this co-worker who I am very attracted to. We work very closely together and get along great. He was married for over 20 years and lost his wife to cancer about six months ago. I really would like to pursue a relationship but I do not know how to approach someone in this situation. How long should I wait, do I make the first move, etc.
VictorM's advice:
That he is a widower shouldn't change a thing about how you approach him. A bigger issue is him being your coworker and you two working closely together. Being together all day and night can turn into a living hell even if things work out well, but most certainly will be a nightmare if you breakup after. Unless you are willing to consider finding another job, keep off.
But work aside, I don't think much changes in terms of approaching him even if how he deals with having a new love interest is unpredictable. Who knows if he had a good relationship with her or not, or if he's ready to try again. But you never know these things about any one individual that you would meet some other way. So if you're interested in him, go about it as you would anyone else. He'll let you know where he stands.
He flirts with other girls
elizabeth, 13, from clarkson ky, asks:
I like this guy and he likes me to but he flirts with this other girl he also likes. What can I do?
VictorM's advice:
You two girls aren't the only ones he's ever going to like or flirt with. Boys your age are horny little toads. And he's not the only boy you're ever going to like. So, keeping that in mind, what to do? Smile, compliment him, have a nice time with him. If he feels good around you, he'll want to spend more time with you.
You can also do some voodoo magic and wish upon her the worst body odor ever.
I like this guy and he likes me to but he flirts with this other girl he also likes. What can I do?
VictorM's advice:
You two girls aren't the only ones he's ever going to like or flirt with. Boys your age are horny little toads. And he's not the only boy you're ever going to like. So, keeping that in mind, what to do? Smile, compliment him, have a nice time with him. If he feels good around you, he'll want to spend more time with you.
You can also do some voodoo magic and wish upon her the worst body odor ever.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Why doesn't he want to shave?
Carmen, 18, from Canada, asks:
I've always thought it was sexy when guys/men shave their facial hair. However, my loving boyfriend of over a year really does not want to shave. Why is he so stubborn about it?
VictorM's advice:
Because shaving is a pain in the ass. It's itchy and really slows you down in the morning. Also, it takes time to get used to the blade, so his face may react poorly to it. Some guys don't like the shape of their face and a beard makes them feel better. Some guys like a beard because it makes them look older or more distinguished. From Canada? It keeps the face warmer.
There are a lot of other reasons; being stubborn is not the only reason.
I've always thought it was sexy when guys/men shave their facial hair. However, my loving boyfriend of over a year really does not want to shave. Why is he so stubborn about it?
VictorM's advice:
Because shaving is a pain in the ass. It's itchy and really slows you down in the morning. Also, it takes time to get used to the blade, so his face may react poorly to it. Some guys don't like the shape of their face and a beard makes them feel better. Some guys like a beard because it makes them look older or more distinguished. From Canada? It keeps the face warmer.
There are a lot of other reasons; being stubborn is not the only reason.
Seems like a sign that he's looking to cheat
Megan, 25, from USA, asks:
I've been dating my boyfriend for 15 months. Things are pretty good, but we have some bad fights and we're in the process of going to couples therapy and working through our problems. He seems very committed to the process of improving our relationship, and to me, although I have trouble trusting him. It's like there's a little voice in my gut nagging me to not trust him.
Anyway, last Thursday I invited him to my friend's party. Right after he got there, he started talking to a pretty girl and talked with her the WHOLE night. I came over and introduced myself as his girlfriend and she was very friendly and fun to talk to. Then I left to go talk to my other friends, and he continued to talk to her. He spent probably 2 hours talking with her before she left. Afterwards, we talked about whether he (and I) wanted to be friends with her, and he eventually came to the conclusion that he didn't really need to have a girl friend (i.e., friend that is a girl). But this morning, I checked his text messages on his phone and found that he texted her saying 'Very nice to meet you last week'. After I saw this, I asked him whether he wanted to be her friend, and he said 'Not really'. He did not know I read the text message. To me, this seems like a sign that he's looking to cheat. Am I paranoid?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not paranoid. He has sinister intentions. In fact, that he told you he didn't want to be her friend, when in fact he enjoyed her company, sounds even more suspicious.
If this was a one off, maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt. If he had mentioned the text message to you, it could easily be considered simply a polite gesture. But it seems from your own words that you've had reason to distrust him in the past, so his behavior warrants suspicion.
Listen to your little voice -- it's seldom wrong!
I've been dating my boyfriend for 15 months. Things are pretty good, but we have some bad fights and we're in the process of going to couples therapy and working through our problems. He seems very committed to the process of improving our relationship, and to me, although I have trouble trusting him. It's like there's a little voice in my gut nagging me to not trust him.
Anyway, last Thursday I invited him to my friend's party. Right after he got there, he started talking to a pretty girl and talked with her the WHOLE night. I came over and introduced myself as his girlfriend and she was very friendly and fun to talk to. Then I left to go talk to my other friends, and he continued to talk to her. He spent probably 2 hours talking with her before she left. Afterwards, we talked about whether he (and I) wanted to be friends with her, and he eventually came to the conclusion that he didn't really need to have a girl friend (i.e., friend that is a girl). But this morning, I checked his text messages on his phone and found that he texted her saying 'Very nice to meet you last week'. After I saw this, I asked him whether he wanted to be her friend, and he said 'Not really'. He did not know I read the text message. To me, this seems like a sign that he's looking to cheat. Am I paranoid?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not paranoid. He has sinister intentions. In fact, that he told you he didn't want to be her friend, when in fact he enjoyed her company, sounds even more suspicious.
If this was a one off, maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt. If he had mentioned the text message to you, it could easily be considered simply a polite gesture. But it seems from your own words that you've had reason to distrust him in the past, so his behavior warrants suspicion.
Listen to your little voice -- it's seldom wrong!
Why he won't talk to her or see her anymore
Carla, 33, from united kingdom, asks:
I have been really good friends with a guy for 2 and half years, we are both married to different people, but we dissussed everything. His wife told me that he talked to me about things that he never even disscussed with friends he knew much longer than me. We used to see each other everyday, when we took our kids to school, we shared the same hobbys. We did almost everything together, we used to play fight and even on a few occasions when he was going thought a rough patch with his wife he said he wished that he had met me first as he would've married me instead. Anyway the problem is that 3 months ago he got a job and then cut of all contact with me, so I sent him a text message asking how he was doing with no reply. I left it. But then he told his wife to tell me he was still my friend but that he was just busy, but he has made a point of keeping in contact with all his other friends except me, and I was closer to him than any of them. I recently ran into him when I was out for the day and he mentioned the exact amount of time it was since we last saw each other, but yet since then there has been no further contact from him. He was fine with me then so I don't think I have done anything to upset him. But I don't understand why he won't talk to me or see me anymore?
VictorM's advice:
How about you probably were a factor in coming close to wrecking his marriage? How about he realized he better put some effort into his own marriage and that play fighting with someone else's wife is not very wise? How about he developed some common sense and you can't understand because you haven't? How about maybe his wife is not stupid?
Leave the man alone. You're being greedy about your personal needs. Nothing good can come out of this friendship, for you or for him. Go play fight with your own husband.
I have been really good friends with a guy for 2 and half years, we are both married to different people, but we dissussed everything. His wife told me that he talked to me about things that he never even disscussed with friends he knew much longer than me. We used to see each other everyday, when we took our kids to school, we shared the same hobbys. We did almost everything together, we used to play fight and even on a few occasions when he was going thought a rough patch with his wife he said he wished that he had met me first as he would've married me instead. Anyway the problem is that 3 months ago he got a job and then cut of all contact with me, so I sent him a text message asking how he was doing with no reply. I left it. But then he told his wife to tell me he was still my friend but that he was just busy, but he has made a point of keeping in contact with all his other friends except me, and I was closer to him than any of them. I recently ran into him when I was out for the day and he mentioned the exact amount of time it was since we last saw each other, but yet since then there has been no further contact from him. He was fine with me then so I don't think I have done anything to upset him. But I don't understand why he won't talk to me or see me anymore?
VictorM's advice:
How about you probably were a factor in coming close to wrecking his marriage? How about he realized he better put some effort into his own marriage and that play fighting with someone else's wife is not very wise? How about he developed some common sense and you can't understand because you haven't? How about maybe his wife is not stupid?
Leave the man alone. You're being greedy about your personal needs. Nothing good can come out of this friendship, for you or for him. Go play fight with your own husband.
Gema and Max
Gema, 13, from New Zealand, asks:
Hi. It's me. How do I tell if Max still likes me? I've just realized I'm obsessed. Is this bad?
Also, well, what exactly is flirting?
*Gema*
VictorM's answer:
Gemita is back! What took you so long? :-p
Obsessed, at 13, bad? No! It's totally normal. Enjoy the obsession.
You can tell if he likes you if he still looks for you, either to talk, bother you, pick on you, pull your hair, anything. If he seeks you out, he likes you.
From wiki, this is what they say about flirting:
Hi. It's me. How do I tell if Max still likes me? I've just realized I'm obsessed. Is this bad?
Also, well, what exactly is flirting?
*Gema*
VictorM's answer:
Gemita is back! What took you so long? :-p
Obsessed, at 13, bad? No! It's totally normal. Enjoy the obsession.
You can tell if he likes you if he still looks for you, either to talk, bother you, pick on you, pull your hair, anything. If he seeks you out, he likes you.
From wiki, this is what they say about flirting:
- Eye contact, batting eyelashes, etc.
- "Protean" signals, such as touching one's hair
- Casual touches; such as a woman gently touching a man's arm during conversation
- Smiling suggestively
- Winking
- Sending notes, poems, or small gifts
- Flattery
- Online chat, is a common modern tactic as well as other one-on-one and direct messaging services
- Footsie, the "feet under the table" practice
- Teasing
She met one guy who was a scientologist
michele, 40, from usa, asks:
I was out of a three year live-in relationship in August of last year. The break up was difficult
for me because the ex moved back to new jersey but kept calling me saying he still loved me
and wanted to work things out. This stretched my difficulty in the relationship ending or salvaging it for many months To be exact we were calling each other but no one was DOING anything to resolve things. I finally called him and said, look we either fix this or we end this. He didn't respond.. until I called again, only to hear "I hate you..you dont get it' 'die" I was totally confused.
So now I start dating. I met one guy who was a scientologist, which didn't work for me. I met my ex on match.com then I met this person from "my space", which I never thought I'd look for anyone on that site but he and I went on the webcam, he was in Arizona, me in Los Angeles. So we decided to met. He's writing me poetry and all this stuff. What he didn't tell me is that he was a manic depressive on medication. He tells me he fell in love with me, and expected an immediate feeling on my part of falling in love with him. The problem is, we argued. I told him to leave. So he leaves. Driving back to arizona. Texting me. Horrible things, that I'm ugly, that he wasn't attracted to me, I didn't say I love him, didn't write him love letters, I was bad in bed, I'm too old, etc. I tell him to stop this behaviour and he sees it as me 'stalking' him. And sends me e-mails saying "why don't I get it, he isn't into me, isn't attracted to me. What I don't understand is WHy would someone KEEP sending insulting e-mails to someone they don't dig, or pretended to dig. I am respondong to his mails saying, look don't keep sending me this stuff. I dont CARE if you aren't into me or think im ugly. If you don't like me you don't lie me..so what??
I mean, WHY would someone continue to insult me like this?? It's never happened to me ever in my life.
I'm not at all sure what the hell this person wanted and I never knew the real reason why my ex..suddenly changed his colors as well. These experiences have been totally confusing for me.
I'm hoping you can shine some light on the behaviour.
VictorM's advice:
People generally get attracted to the same type of person over and over. You get attracted to people who can't handle a break-up well. So there's your answer as to the pattern of these two men.
But why do such people behave this way? Well, these two are crazy. You really can't expect logical, reasonable behavior from crazy people.
How do you handle this? You have to learn that once you break-up with someone, you should have zero contact with them. Zero, as in none, zilch, nil! Not a word! Nothing! Replying to emails, calling them back, answering emails is a big mistake. As long as they are getting a response from you, it feeds their sick minds.
And of course, you should ignore all the comments about you being ugly and bad in bed because those comments aren't based on truth, they are words intended to hurt your feelings. Hurting you is the purpose, not being honest.
Oh, and be thankful that these guys are out of your life!
I was out of a three year live-in relationship in August of last year. The break up was difficult
for me because the ex moved back to new jersey but kept calling me saying he still loved me
and wanted to work things out. This stretched my difficulty in the relationship ending or salvaging it for many months To be exact we were calling each other but no one was DOING anything to resolve things. I finally called him and said, look we either fix this or we end this. He didn't respond.. until I called again, only to hear "I hate you..you dont get it' 'die" I was totally confused.
So now I start dating. I met one guy who was a scientologist, which didn't work for me. I met my ex on match.com then I met this person from "my space", which I never thought I'd look for anyone on that site but he and I went on the webcam, he was in Arizona, me in Los Angeles. So we decided to met. He's writing me poetry and all this stuff. What he didn't tell me is that he was a manic depressive on medication. He tells me he fell in love with me, and expected an immediate feeling on my part of falling in love with him. The problem is, we argued. I told him to leave. So he leaves. Driving back to arizona. Texting me. Horrible things, that I'm ugly, that he wasn't attracted to me, I didn't say I love him, didn't write him love letters, I was bad in bed, I'm too old, etc. I tell him to stop this behaviour and he sees it as me 'stalking' him. And sends me e-mails saying "why don't I get it, he isn't into me, isn't attracted to me. What I don't understand is WHy would someone KEEP sending insulting e-mails to someone they don't dig, or pretended to dig. I am respondong to his mails saying, look don't keep sending me this stuff. I dont CARE if you aren't into me or think im ugly. If you don't like me you don't lie me..so what??
I mean, WHY would someone continue to insult me like this?? It's never happened to me ever in my life.
I'm not at all sure what the hell this person wanted and I never knew the real reason why my ex..suddenly changed his colors as well. These experiences have been totally confusing for me.
I'm hoping you can shine some light on the behaviour.
VictorM's advice:
People generally get attracted to the same type of person over and over. You get attracted to people who can't handle a break-up well. So there's your answer as to the pattern of these two men.
But why do such people behave this way? Well, these two are crazy. You really can't expect logical, reasonable behavior from crazy people.
How do you handle this? You have to learn that once you break-up with someone, you should have zero contact with them. Zero, as in none, zilch, nil! Not a word! Nothing! Replying to emails, calling them back, answering emails is a big mistake. As long as they are getting a response from you, it feeds their sick minds.
And of course, you should ignore all the comments about you being ugly and bad in bed because those comments aren't based on truth, they are words intended to hurt your feelings. Hurting you is the purpose, not being honest.
Oh, and be thankful that these guys are out of your life!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Cuddle and kiss
Julie, 22, from Las Vegas, asks:
Is it a bad sign if a guy says he doesn't want to have sex with you and only wants to cuddle and kiss?
VictorM's answer:
Most guys feel a sense of obligation to the girl once they have sex. In essence, they see sex as the start of a relationship, while cuddling and kissing is not. My guess is that he's not ready to be committed to you, but he really likes you and wants to know you better before he gets more serious with you.
There could be other reasons. For example, if he's a virgin or if he has sexual problems, he may not be ready to expose his insecurities or shortcomings to you. It could also be for religious reasons.
But overall, this sounds like a much healthier step than full sexual activity. Enjoy the intimacy that comes with cuddling. Once sex starts, you may yearn for the cuddling and sex only.
Is it a bad sign if a guy says he doesn't want to have sex with you and only wants to cuddle and kiss?
VictorM's answer:
Most guys feel a sense of obligation to the girl once they have sex. In essence, they see sex as the start of a relationship, while cuddling and kissing is not. My guess is that he's not ready to be committed to you, but he really likes you and wants to know you better before he gets more serious with you.
There could be other reasons. For example, if he's a virgin or if he has sexual problems, he may not be ready to expose his insecurities or shortcomings to you. It could also be for religious reasons.
But overall, this sounds like a much healthier step than full sexual activity. Enjoy the intimacy that comes with cuddling. Once sex starts, you may yearn for the cuddling and sex only.
What does 'babe' mean actually?
Daniela, 27, from UK, asks:
Hello Victor,
I need your opinion. My problem is that I don't know what it means when a guy who claims to love me calls me 'babe' and whether I should feel embarrassed when he does it in front of others, while other girls in his environment get angry and refuse when he calls them 'babe'. So, it seems I can get ridiculed in front of others if I let this going on further?! What does 'babe' mean actually? I heard today that this word is used by guys among themselves to women whom they find hot and is often in derogative and humiliating sense. Is it true? Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Depending on the tone, the word can be a term of endearment or a derogative term.
"She's a babe" is a common term guys use when referring to a girl they find attractive.
"Back off, babe" can be seen as a put down. It's an expression often used by male chauvinists.
But lovers often call each other "babe" as a term of endearment. It denotes affection. I know several couples who use that term among themselves and they mean it in the sweetest way possible.
The term, when used among lovers who both consent to it, is perfectly fine. But using it with females other than a lover sounds cheesy and denotes poor social manners because many women will object. If your boyfriend isn't smart enough to understand that, you have other problems with this guy.
Hello Victor,
I need your opinion. My problem is that I don't know what it means when a guy who claims to love me calls me 'babe' and whether I should feel embarrassed when he does it in front of others, while other girls in his environment get angry and refuse when he calls them 'babe'. So, it seems I can get ridiculed in front of others if I let this going on further?! What does 'babe' mean actually? I heard today that this word is used by guys among themselves to women whom they find hot and is often in derogative and humiliating sense. Is it true? Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Depending on the tone, the word can be a term of endearment or a derogative term.
"She's a babe" is a common term guys use when referring to a girl they find attractive.
"Back off, babe" can be seen as a put down. It's an expression often used by male chauvinists.
But lovers often call each other "babe" as a term of endearment. It denotes affection. I know several couples who use that term among themselves and they mean it in the sweetest way possible.
The term, when used among lovers who both consent to it, is perfectly fine. But using it with females other than a lover sounds cheesy and denotes poor social manners because many women will object. If your boyfriend isn't smart enough to understand that, you have other problems with this guy.
Invisible girlfriend
caroline, 12, from fayetteville, asks:
There is this guy who I like and he is always happy then mad when I talk to him. And once at a school dance he came up to me and was like I have an invisible girlfriend and pretended to dance with it. I don't know if he was trying to be funny or hint that he likes me. Also, his dad died 3 years ago. so I wouldn't know how to tell if he really likes me or just doesn't know how to talk to me. And I want to ask him out. But don't know how. My friend Stephanie say that he does like me. But I'm not to sure. Can you help me?
VictorM's advice:
I think the invisible girlfriend was a joke. But it probably also means he likes to get your attention, which is a good thing.
I don't think you should ask him out. You should just try to be friendly and see if he can talk to you nicely first. Just look for something he likes and invite him to do that with you. For example, if he likes video games, invite him to come play with you.
As you talk to him more, and as he gets friendlier with you, you'll get to know if he likes you or not. Most boys in your age group are not yet ready to go out with girls. You don't want to spook him out.
There is this guy who I like and he is always happy then mad when I talk to him. And once at a school dance he came up to me and was like I have an invisible girlfriend and pretended to dance with it. I don't know if he was trying to be funny or hint that he likes me. Also, his dad died 3 years ago. so I wouldn't know how to tell if he really likes me or just doesn't know how to talk to me. And I want to ask him out. But don't know how. My friend Stephanie say that he does like me. But I'm not to sure. Can you help me?
VictorM's advice:
I think the invisible girlfriend was a joke. But it probably also means he likes to get your attention, which is a good thing.
I don't think you should ask him out. You should just try to be friendly and see if he can talk to you nicely first. Just look for something he likes and invite him to do that with you. For example, if he likes video games, invite him to come play with you.
As you talk to him more, and as he gets friendlier with you, you'll get to know if he likes you or not. Most boys in your age group are not yet ready to go out with girls. You don't want to spook him out.
Monday, August 20, 2007
How do you get over a guy you really like?
Nicole, 22, from AL, asks:
How do you get over a guy you really like? I've been dating a guy that I thought had major potential and he just told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, yet for the month that we've been dating he made it a point to say he was looking for a girlfriend which leads me to believe he's obviously involved with some else. He also said that I shouldn't be hasty to move on because he may want one later. I'm not dumb, so I know he wants me to be his plan b which it's not gonna happen. I really liked him. Please help!
VictorM's advice:
I think you are right and wise. He's not into you.
Getting over someone takes time. You've only known him for a month, so getting over him won't take that long. But to help it along, don't shelter yourself. Go out with friends, make sure to go to places you didn't go with him. Pick new restaurants, new malls, buy new clothing, develop new interests. Anything or anyplace that you didn't share with him will do.
But above all, give it time.
How do you get over a guy you really like? I've been dating a guy that I thought had major potential and he just told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, yet for the month that we've been dating he made it a point to say he was looking for a girlfriend which leads me to believe he's obviously involved with some else. He also said that I shouldn't be hasty to move on because he may want one later. I'm not dumb, so I know he wants me to be his plan b which it's not gonna happen. I really liked him. Please help!
VictorM's advice:
I think you are right and wise. He's not into you.
Getting over someone takes time. You've only known him for a month, so getting over him won't take that long. But to help it along, don't shelter yourself. Go out with friends, make sure to go to places you didn't go with him. Pick new restaurants, new malls, buy new clothing, develop new interests. Anything or anyplace that you didn't share with him will do.
But above all, give it time.
He goes out with his friends but doesn't tell her
Mei, 15, from stockton, asks:
I have an older boyfriend and he goes to work and all but he always goes out with his friends and never tells me. Should I worry if he is going to cheat with me? And there's this friend of mine and I know she likes him... when I'm with him she would call him and he would tell me to wait while he goes and talk privately with her... What do you think is going on? ...please tell me...
VictorM's advice:
You don't say how much older he is but it sounds like you're not ready for a relationship with someone like him. It's nothing to be ashamed about and you really don't want to be taken advantage of. It doesn't sound like he treats you like a girlfriend and gives you the respect that implies. He's giving you too many reasons to doubt him, something no one needs.
I think he gets away with what you let him get away with. If you're determined to stay with him, tell him how it makes you feel when he doesn't call you or when he takes her calls. Don't accuse him of anything, just tell him how it makes you feel. If he's considerate and responds in a positive way, well, great. But if he says it's your problem, you really ought to think about dumping him.
I have an older boyfriend and he goes to work and all but he always goes out with his friends and never tells me. Should I worry if he is going to cheat with me? And there's this friend of mine and I know she likes him... when I'm with him she would call him and he would tell me to wait while he goes and talk privately with her... What do you think is going on? ...please tell me...
VictorM's advice:
You don't say how much older he is but it sounds like you're not ready for a relationship with someone like him. It's nothing to be ashamed about and you really don't want to be taken advantage of. It doesn't sound like he treats you like a girlfriend and gives you the respect that implies. He's giving you too many reasons to doubt him, something no one needs.
I think he gets away with what you let him get away with. If you're determined to stay with him, tell him how it makes you feel when he doesn't call you or when he takes her calls. Don't accuse him of anything, just tell him how it makes you feel. If he's considerate and responds in a positive way, well, great. But if he says it's your problem, you really ought to think about dumping him.
She always picks the worst times
Emma, 19, from Chicago, asks:
Hi! Me again! Things have been going wonderfully for me and my younger boyfriend since my last post. We have become more sexually intimate, and I think I might be falling for him. The summer is coming to an end, and both of us are going to need to go to school soon. I go to college in the city and it's only a 20 minutes commute to his neighborhood, but I know we are both going to get very busy. I really REALLY want to stay together but have NO idea how to tell if he is feeling the same way. I don't think he would be letting things get as serious as they are if he didn't really like me back, but I know he is under a lot of pressure with applying for college etc. I have asked him about it and he always says "let's not talk about this now" or "this is not a good time." Yesterday I asked if he had thought about it again (at a terrible moment-right after we had finished being intimate) and he laughed and said "you always pick the worst times!" I told him I was just really worried about it and he hugged me really tight and said he promised he would think about it soon.
Any ideas?
Also, this might be off topic, but how do you know if a guy loves you without saying the words?
VictorM's advice:
To answer your last question first: you don't! There are no guarantees, no sure fire way to know. Being in love is an act of courage. If you can't risk being disappointed, don't play the game.
Ideas... yeah, I have one: STOP ASKING HIM!!! :) What does he even have to get back to you about? I don't get it. You're boyfriend and girlfriend already. Why ask anything? It shows amazing insecurity on your part.
You're asking for future commitments which he really can't make. Face it, no matter what he says today, things could change tomorrow. Just proceed as boyfriend and girlfriend, make arrangements to see each other, and stop asking dumb questions.
Hi! Me again! Things have been going wonderfully for me and my younger boyfriend since my last post. We have become more sexually intimate, and I think I might be falling for him. The summer is coming to an end, and both of us are going to need to go to school soon. I go to college in the city and it's only a 20 minutes commute to his neighborhood, but I know we are both going to get very busy. I really REALLY want to stay together but have NO idea how to tell if he is feeling the same way. I don't think he would be letting things get as serious as they are if he didn't really like me back, but I know he is under a lot of pressure with applying for college etc. I have asked him about it and he always says "let's not talk about this now" or "this is not a good time." Yesterday I asked if he had thought about it again (at a terrible moment-right after we had finished being intimate) and he laughed and said "you always pick the worst times!" I told him I was just really worried about it and he hugged me really tight and said he promised he would think about it soon.
Any ideas?
Also, this might be off topic, but how do you know if a guy loves you without saying the words?
VictorM's advice:
To answer your last question first: you don't! There are no guarantees, no sure fire way to know. Being in love is an act of courage. If you can't risk being disappointed, don't play the game.
Ideas... yeah, I have one: STOP ASKING HIM!!! :) What does he even have to get back to you about? I don't get it. You're boyfriend and girlfriend already. Why ask anything? It shows amazing insecurity on your part.
You're asking for future commitments which he really can't make. Face it, no matter what he says today, things could change tomorrow. Just proceed as boyfriend and girlfriend, make arrangements to see each other, and stop asking dumb questions.
She has a feeling things aren't going to work out
Nikki, 15, from: OC, asks:
I've been going out with my bf for 3 months now, but I have this feeling that it's not going to work out and our conversation is becoming more boring everyday and also he usually says I love you before going and now he doesn't anymore, which gives me the thought that he doesn't love me anymore and that he doesn't care. He's very straight-forward with answering to my questions, and even when I ask him the question "Why?". He has bad memory, he forgets my birthday and our other conversations and even my age! And he doesn't like to talk much, when we have nothing else to say he'd would go somewhere else like watching t.v or play games, especially when we're chatting online. Some of my friends say to dump him because he's not treating me right, but I still like him. Sometimes I feel like he's not even trying, and he gives up easily. He's 16. I'm not sure what I should do with him, what should I do? Should I dump him? But I don't want to though.
Please give me some advice, Victor.
Thanks a lot.
VictorM's advice:
Don't listen to your girlfriends. Their solution to everything is to dump the guy, as if perfect guys are a dime a dozen.
He's 16 and you're 15 and he forgets how old you are? Damn, this kid could replace Alberto Gonzales in a heartbeat. He's perfect for the job.
Look, not saying "I love you" could just mean he got tired of the repetition. When there's nothing to talk about what's wrong with playing video games and watching TV? Why be forced to talk when there's nothing to talk about. I mean, you're 16 and 15. How many things really are there to talk about at your age?
You should not dump him. Why? Because you don't want to. Learn to enjoy a little "More silence, more breathing together. Not rushing, being".
I've been going out with my bf for 3 months now, but I have this feeling that it's not going to work out and our conversation is becoming more boring everyday and also he usually says I love you before going and now he doesn't anymore, which gives me the thought that he doesn't love me anymore and that he doesn't care. He's very straight-forward with answering to my questions, and even when I ask him the question "Why?". He has bad memory, he forgets my birthday and our other conversations and even my age! And he doesn't like to talk much, when we have nothing else to say he'd would go somewhere else like watching t.v or play games, especially when we're chatting online. Some of my friends say to dump him because he's not treating me right, but I still like him. Sometimes I feel like he's not even trying, and he gives up easily. He's 16. I'm not sure what I should do with him, what should I do? Should I dump him? But I don't want to though.
Please give me some advice, Victor.
Thanks a lot.
VictorM's advice:
Don't listen to your girlfriends. Their solution to everything is to dump the guy, as if perfect guys are a dime a dozen.
He's 16 and you're 15 and he forgets how old you are? Damn, this kid could replace Alberto Gonzales in a heartbeat. He's perfect for the job.
Look, not saying "I love you" could just mean he got tired of the repetition. When there's nothing to talk about what's wrong with playing video games and watching TV? Why be forced to talk when there's nothing to talk about. I mean, you're 16 and 15. How many things really are there to talk about at your age?
You should not dump him. Why? Because you don't want to. Learn to enjoy a little "More silence, more breathing together. Not rushing, being".
He asked for her phone number but never called
layla, 17, from Quebec, asks:
There is this guy who asked me out and he called me beautiful so obviously I figured he was interested and then he asked for my number and said he would call on this certain day and we would make plans but he never called... why would he not call?
VictorM's advice:
Asking for a phone number is a male's way to convince himself, and his buddies, that he's got game. Obviously, if he gets your number he has to say he will call but he doesn't have to mean it. It's just a line that may or may not be followed up. Sorta like telling someone who's going to sleep to have "sweet dreams". You don't really bother to check the next day if they did or not.
So he called you beautiful. Well, you probably are. But not every guy in the world who thinks you are beautiful is going to be interested in you. He's just one of those guys. Who knows how many other girls that same night he found beautiful and got their number. He's probably not calling any of them either.
So, the moral of the story: a guy asking for your phone number may be something he's doing for his own ego, not for yours. To him, the challenge is getting the number, not calling.
On the other hand, maybe he got ran over by a truck and his brains were like mash-potatoes on the pavement and his flat-as-a-pancake little hand was trying to reach for his phone to call you but instead of your number all his brains sent was "...............". And even as they were scrapping him off the street like roadkill he was so crushed he that never got to call you. Poor guy.
There is this guy who asked me out and he called me beautiful so obviously I figured he was interested and then he asked for my number and said he would call on this certain day and we would make plans but he never called... why would he not call?
VictorM's advice:
Asking for a phone number is a male's way to convince himself, and his buddies, that he's got game. Obviously, if he gets your number he has to say he will call but he doesn't have to mean it. It's just a line that may or may not be followed up. Sorta like telling someone who's going to sleep to have "sweet dreams". You don't really bother to check the next day if they did or not.
So he called you beautiful. Well, you probably are. But not every guy in the world who thinks you are beautiful is going to be interested in you. He's just one of those guys. Who knows how many other girls that same night he found beautiful and got their number. He's probably not calling any of them either.
So, the moral of the story: a guy asking for your phone number may be something he's doing for his own ego, not for yours. To him, the challenge is getting the number, not calling.
On the other hand, maybe he got ran over by a truck and his brains were like mash-potatoes on the pavement and his flat-as-a-pancake little hand was trying to reach for his phone to call you but instead of your number all his brains sent was "...............". And even as they were scrapping him off the street like roadkill he was so crushed he that never got to call you. Poor guy.
They're pushing her to tell the wife
Emmy, 32, from New Jersey, asks:
Hi Victor
Its me Emmy *siiigh* and I hate when you're right. I'm beginning to see all those things you wrote about him being a seriously flawed man. You ask what is wrong with me that I just can't comprehend this? We had plans, he begged me to wait, to stay and I did. Yet he decides to walk away and thats ok? I'm devastated and ... he is probably at home playing happy house with the wife.
What he has done is affecting me to the point where I can't eat, sleep and have lost interest in just about everything. Two weeks ago, we had plans for a future. I was happy as I hadn't been in years thinking I had finally met the right person for me. Now that is all gone and I feel I cant trust anyone. I'm destroyed thinking about how someone fooled me for so many months.
Now, I'm thinking I never mattered to him. I called him crying once and got no response yet he meant everything to me. I cant help but be sad to have been so wrong about someone. Ive lost weight and know I look like hell. People look at me and ask "Why are you so sad?" I cant tell them ... I feel so humiliated.
I would NEVER have ignored him if I knew that he was hurt about something. I would NEVER have walked away from him with giving him answers. Thats what I'm getting from him, the person that swore would never hurt me. Hes turned from a loving attentive warm man to a cold completely detached person that I don't recognize.
Only two weeks ago he kept telling me how important I was to him and he couldn't wait to see me. We never had a fight, I'm not a melodramatic person so a fear of my reaction cant be the reason. He spent months pursuing me ... why not have a heart and give me a few minutes to let me go? Why shut me out completely? Why cant I have my closure and a reason why hes acting this way? Above all, how can a man be so cruel? Your perspective as a man would be very much appreciated as I simply don't understand this behavior. Thanks.
Emmy
PS My friends tell me that I shouldn't be the only one losing sleep. They're pushing me to tell the wife since she called me. What do you think about letting her know?
VictorM's advice:
Your friends are giving you lousy advice. Calling the wife won't fix anything and it's just an ugly act of revenge. It would also just keep you involved in this nightmare more than you need to. Rise above it. Don't call her. She's not responsible for his flaws.
Sure, there are a lot of things to regret, but Emmy, you found out before much more damaged could be inflicted. Men like him have been known to have multiple families and keep each hidden from the other. Seriously, when you consider how bad things could have gotten, be grateful you found out. You can still have your dreams and your plans. Those aren't destroyed. You just aren't going to make them happen with this guy. You never were. You just didn't know it.
You want closure. You want an explanation. You want to know why he did what he did. But it's not going to happen because you have been the victim of a pathological liar. These people really are sick. Read more about pathological liars and you'll come away convinced there was nothing you could have done to stop it and nothing he can do to explain it. I'm convinced he wouldn't be able to explain it to you even if he wanted. But he won't! The illness comes with it's own self-defense mechanism. Guys like him can only live in the turmoil these situations bring about. He probably already has his next victim in sight.
I know, it's hard to accept all these things because you're a reasonable person. But would you ask someone with Alzheimer's why they forgot their loved ones? Of course not. Emmy, asking this guy for an explanation would make as much sense as asking that question. He simply has no answer for you.
Hi Victor
Its me Emmy *siiigh* and I hate when you're right. I'm beginning to see all those things you wrote about him being a seriously flawed man. You ask what is wrong with me that I just can't comprehend this? We had plans, he begged me to wait, to stay and I did. Yet he decides to walk away and thats ok? I'm devastated and ... he is probably at home playing happy house with the wife.
What he has done is affecting me to the point where I can't eat, sleep and have lost interest in just about everything. Two weeks ago, we had plans for a future. I was happy as I hadn't been in years thinking I had finally met the right person for me. Now that is all gone and I feel I cant trust anyone. I'm destroyed thinking about how someone fooled me for so many months.
Now, I'm thinking I never mattered to him. I called him crying once and got no response yet he meant everything to me. I cant help but be sad to have been so wrong about someone. Ive lost weight and know I look like hell. People look at me and ask "Why are you so sad?" I cant tell them ... I feel so humiliated.
I would NEVER have ignored him if I knew that he was hurt about something. I would NEVER have walked away from him with giving him answers. Thats what I'm getting from him, the person that swore would never hurt me. Hes turned from a loving attentive warm man to a cold completely detached person that I don't recognize.
Only two weeks ago he kept telling me how important I was to him and he couldn't wait to see me. We never had a fight, I'm not a melodramatic person so a fear of my reaction cant be the reason. He spent months pursuing me ... why not have a heart and give me a few minutes to let me go? Why shut me out completely? Why cant I have my closure and a reason why hes acting this way? Above all, how can a man be so cruel? Your perspective as a man would be very much appreciated as I simply don't understand this behavior. Thanks.
Emmy
PS My friends tell me that I shouldn't be the only one losing sleep. They're pushing me to tell the wife since she called me. What do you think about letting her know?
VictorM's advice:
Your friends are giving you lousy advice. Calling the wife won't fix anything and it's just an ugly act of revenge. It would also just keep you involved in this nightmare more than you need to. Rise above it. Don't call her. She's not responsible for his flaws.
Sure, there are a lot of things to regret, but Emmy, you found out before much more damaged could be inflicted. Men like him have been known to have multiple families and keep each hidden from the other. Seriously, when you consider how bad things could have gotten, be grateful you found out. You can still have your dreams and your plans. Those aren't destroyed. You just aren't going to make them happen with this guy. You never were. You just didn't know it.
You want closure. You want an explanation. You want to know why he did what he did. But it's not going to happen because you have been the victim of a pathological liar. These people really are sick. Read more about pathological liars and you'll come away convinced there was nothing you could have done to stop it and nothing he can do to explain it. I'm convinced he wouldn't be able to explain it to you even if he wanted. But he won't! The illness comes with it's own self-defense mechanism. Guys like him can only live in the turmoil these situations bring about. He probably already has his next victim in sight.
I know, it's hard to accept all these things because you're a reasonable person. But would you ask someone with Alzheimer's why they forgot their loved ones? Of course not. Emmy, asking this guy for an explanation would make as much sense as asking that question. He simply has no answer for you.
He doesn't care what he looks like
elise, 15, from new york, asks:
I've been dating my boyfriend for a year, and I really do love him..but it's gotten to the point where he doesn't care what he looks like. Sometimes he'll come over with his hair a mess, wrinkled shirt..like he just woke up or something. It totally bothers me. I don't expect him to be 304967% perfect all the time..but I wished he could a lot of the time.
So I wanna know if it's terrible to ask him to shape up and start caring about his looks... they're not that important to me, but they have some value.. I don't know how much longer I can take this, him showing up looking like a slob.
What do I do? Is it OK to ask him to change?
VictorM's advice:
It's OK to express your preference. How he reacts will tell you a lot about how he respects you and wants to please you. What you're asking is totally reasonable. How he behaves tells you a lot about him. Clothing and grooming are part of a person's personality. So it's not just looks we're talking about.
Just don't tell him he looks like a slob and don't even ask him to change. Tell him about your preferences. Say you like it when he looks sharp, with his hair comb and his clothes neat. Tell him he looks so handsome when he does that and you like it.
If he starts dressing better make sure you recognize it and reward him with a compliment, a kiss, or anything you think will be appreciated. When he slips, for example, if he doesn't comb his hair, say something like, "I see you didn't have time to comb your hair... here" and give him a comb. If his shirt is wrinkled, ask him to come in and iron his shirt.
If his behavior modification isn't quick, well, no matter how much you love him, you'd be warned that this boy doesn't respond well to the feelings of his partner and he will be a problem.
I've been dating my boyfriend for a year, and I really do love him..but it's gotten to the point where he doesn't care what he looks like. Sometimes he'll come over with his hair a mess, wrinkled shirt..like he just woke up or something. It totally bothers me. I don't expect him to be 304967% perfect all the time..but I wished he could a lot of the time.
So I wanna know if it's terrible to ask him to shape up and start caring about his looks... they're not that important to me, but they have some value.. I don't know how much longer I can take this, him showing up looking like a slob.
What do I do? Is it OK to ask him to change?
VictorM's advice:
It's OK to express your preference. How he reacts will tell you a lot about how he respects you and wants to please you. What you're asking is totally reasonable. How he behaves tells you a lot about him. Clothing and grooming are part of a person's personality. So it's not just looks we're talking about.
Just don't tell him he looks like a slob and don't even ask him to change. Tell him about your preferences. Say you like it when he looks sharp, with his hair comb and his clothes neat. Tell him he looks so handsome when he does that and you like it.
If he starts dressing better make sure you recognize it and reward him with a compliment, a kiss, or anything you think will be appreciated. When he slips, for example, if he doesn't comb his hair, say something like, "I see you didn't have time to comb your hair... here" and give him a comb. If his shirt is wrinkled, ask him to come in and iron his shirt.
If his behavior modification isn't quick, well, no matter how much you love him, you'd be warned that this boy doesn't respond well to the feelings of his partner and he will be a problem.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Karina met a new guy
Karina, 16, asks:
I'm back again, and I took your advice. I held onto the open relationship and had a lot of fun this summer, until it started getting complicated. I thought I got attached, and I was too scared to let go, but I finally did.
I'm feeling better than ever!!
I met a new guy too. We went on a date, then my friends made me a surprise birthday party and he showed up. It was a good night. After that I was with him and a mutual friend once more.. and then what I was afraid would happen did.. He didn't call for 4 days. I was getting all worked up and freaking out, until I went to work and shut my phone off. I turned it back on, and I had 2 missed calls and a text from him. I called him back and he said he wanted to go on a double date dinner with our mutual friend and his gf, but I had to work late. I told him to call me the next day, which is today.. and its 6:57pm. Again, I'm getting worked up that he might not call.
He told our mutual friend that he is still in love with his ex, but they can't get back together because she lives too far. He jokingly tells me we will get married because we come from similar families and have the same nationality which is rare around where we live.
I am so used to having a great date and then never getting a phone call after, I am completely paranoid.
Am I even allowed to call him?
VictorM's advice:
There are lots of reason why guys don't call right away, specially if they are still hooked on their exes.
If a guy likes you, he will call you. If he's not sure what he thinks about you yet, he'll hesitate to call. I suppose by now he's called you again. If he hasn't, you can give him a quick call -- sometimes a little push doesn't hurt.
I'm back again, and I took your advice. I held onto the open relationship and had a lot of fun this summer, until it started getting complicated. I thought I got attached, and I was too scared to let go, but I finally did.
I'm feeling better than ever!!
I met a new guy too. We went on a date, then my friends made me a surprise birthday party and he showed up. It was a good night. After that I was with him and a mutual friend once more.. and then what I was afraid would happen did.. He didn't call for 4 days. I was getting all worked up and freaking out, until I went to work and shut my phone off. I turned it back on, and I had 2 missed calls and a text from him. I called him back and he said he wanted to go on a double date dinner with our mutual friend and his gf, but I had to work late. I told him to call me the next day, which is today.. and its 6:57pm. Again, I'm getting worked up that he might not call.
He told our mutual friend that he is still in love with his ex, but they can't get back together because she lives too far. He jokingly tells me we will get married because we come from similar families and have the same nationality which is rare around where we live.
I am so used to having a great date and then never getting a phone call after, I am completely paranoid.
Am I even allowed to call him?
VictorM's advice:
There are lots of reason why guys don't call right away, specially if they are still hooked on their exes.
If a guy likes you, he will call you. If he's not sure what he thinks about you yet, he'll hesitate to call. I suppose by now he's called you again. If he hasn't, you can give him a quick call -- sometimes a little push doesn't hurt.
He claims that he still loves her, but
jenn, 21, from brooklyn, asks:
My ex and I had been dating for 2 years. We broke up about a month ago. We began to have so many problems with each other. It all started due to my own insecurities. I had an ex (guy #1) that I went out with for more than 5 years that cheated on me with a friend (girl#1) of mine that I knew since I was four. My ex boyfriend (guy #2) became best friends with another girl (girl #2) 7 months into our relationship. I felt really insecure because he started telling me things like, she understands me more than you do, we have more in common than you and I ever would, and I have more fun with her. It all felt like deja vu all coming back to me from my previous relationship. I started getting insecure and jealous. It got really bad to the point that I told him it's either her or me. I made him choose between his best friend and me. He promised me that he would stop seeing her and all but in the end I kept on finding him being with her behind my back. He lied to me each time and denied that he was with her. It got to the point that it was no longer jealousy and suspicion of them, it became trust issues between us. I trusted that he would keep his words but he just constantly broke each and every one of his words. He felt that I was being too unreasonable and he began to feel restricted by me so we finally broke up. Now I realize how stupid and foolish I was for telling him to choose and putting him in that position. But I cannot change it anymore. I feel as if he already associated me with the image of like a cage. I restrict him too much. He claims that he still loves me but I'm not sure if he intends to come back to me. At the end of this month, he's going to go away for 5 months. Even though he still loves me I don't know what his intentions are. ( get over me or try again) I'm not sure if I should still try and wait for him. Throughout the past month or so, I've tried everything that I can to show him that I still love and care about him. But we just end up arguing. Another thing is that the two of us had a scarred past in terms of sexual relationships. We developed our relationship sexually also. He placed a lot of trust and love into our relationship. During one of the times that we were on and off, we had an intimate moment but at that time I didn't completely trust him because of the way that he just keeps on breaking promises with the whole best friend situation. So he told me that when he loses his virginity he wants it to be with no strings attached. It made me feel as if he gave up on the two of us.
VictorM's advice:
Let me get this straight: this guy tells you about the other girl "she understands me more than you do, we have more in common than you and I ever would, and I have more fun with her" and then lies to you and stays in contact with her and you're still blaming yourself and contemplating making-up with him? Are you out of your freaking mind?! Why would you stand for that kind of talk? How much of a mat are you willing to be for a guy? This guy is at a minimum a jerk and a half. Are guys so rare in your neck of the woods that you can't set your standards a little higher?
And then you repeat such stuff that is utter dog poop: "He placed a lot of trust and love into our relationship." oh pleeeease! Who are you trying to fool with such talk? And "I've tried everything that I can to show him that I still love and care about him". So, he has more fun with her, he lies to you, and you're the one doing everything to show him your love? *bangs head on desk*
Look, telling him to choose between her and you was dumb because it should have never gotten that far! You should have booted him the moment he talked to you the way he did. But if you're not willing to have pride in yourself, I doubt you'll attract decent guys. Heck, I doubt you're even attract this one back; most guys, even jerks, like girls with some balls -- you have none.
My ex and I had been dating for 2 years. We broke up about a month ago. We began to have so many problems with each other. It all started due to my own insecurities. I had an ex (guy #1) that I went out with for more than 5 years that cheated on me with a friend (girl#1) of mine that I knew since I was four. My ex boyfriend (guy #2) became best friends with another girl (girl #2) 7 months into our relationship. I felt really insecure because he started telling me things like, she understands me more than you do, we have more in common than you and I ever would, and I have more fun with her. It all felt like deja vu all coming back to me from my previous relationship. I started getting insecure and jealous. It got really bad to the point that I told him it's either her or me. I made him choose between his best friend and me. He promised me that he would stop seeing her and all but in the end I kept on finding him being with her behind my back. He lied to me each time and denied that he was with her. It got to the point that it was no longer jealousy and suspicion of them, it became trust issues between us. I trusted that he would keep his words but he just constantly broke each and every one of his words. He felt that I was being too unreasonable and he began to feel restricted by me so we finally broke up. Now I realize how stupid and foolish I was for telling him to choose and putting him in that position. But I cannot change it anymore. I feel as if he already associated me with the image of like a cage. I restrict him too much. He claims that he still loves me but I'm not sure if he intends to come back to me. At the end of this month, he's going to go away for 5 months. Even though he still loves me I don't know what his intentions are. ( get over me or try again) I'm not sure if I should still try and wait for him. Throughout the past month or so, I've tried everything that I can to show him that I still love and care about him. But we just end up arguing. Another thing is that the two of us had a scarred past in terms of sexual relationships. We developed our relationship sexually also. He placed a lot of trust and love into our relationship. During one of the times that we were on and off, we had an intimate moment but at that time I didn't completely trust him because of the way that he just keeps on breaking promises with the whole best friend situation. So he told me that when he loses his virginity he wants it to be with no strings attached. It made me feel as if he gave up on the two of us.
VictorM's advice:
Let me get this straight: this guy tells you about the other girl "she understands me more than you do, we have more in common than you and I ever would, and I have more fun with her" and then lies to you and stays in contact with her and you're still blaming yourself and contemplating making-up with him? Are you out of your freaking mind?! Why would you stand for that kind of talk? How much of a mat are you willing to be for a guy? This guy is at a minimum a jerk and a half. Are guys so rare in your neck of the woods that you can't set your standards a little higher?
And then you repeat such stuff that is utter dog poop: "He placed a lot of trust and love into our relationship." oh pleeeease! Who are you trying to fool with such talk? And "I've tried everything that I can to show him that I still love and care about him". So, he has more fun with her, he lies to you, and you're the one doing everything to show him your love? *bangs head on desk*
Look, telling him to choose between her and you was dumb because it should have never gotten that far! You should have booted him the moment he talked to you the way he did. But if you're not willing to have pride in yourself, I doubt you'll attract decent guys. Heck, I doubt you're even attract this one back; most guys, even jerks, like girls with some balls -- you have none.
He randomly asks to borrow things
Cindy, 13, from: West Virginia, asks:
There is this guy in my grade and our parents are friends. We talk when we're together and he sometimes randomly asks me to borrow things. He always smiles a lot when he's around me. People say that he's been liking me for about a year now but I can't be sure. Does he like me?
VictorM's answer:
Of course he likes you, but that doesn't mean: 1) that he wants anything more than to fantasize with you at this time, 2) that he doesn't like lots of other girls, 3) wouldn't just love to borrow your makeup and dresses.
There is this guy in my grade and our parents are friends. We talk when we're together and he sometimes randomly asks me to borrow things. He always smiles a lot when he's around me. People say that he's been liking me for about a year now but I can't be sure. Does he like me?
VictorM's answer:
Of course he likes you, but that doesn't mean: 1) that he wants anything more than to fantasize with you at this time, 2) that he doesn't like lots of other girls, 3) wouldn't just love to borrow your makeup and dresses.
Conflicted between boyfriend and college experience
Alice, 18, from Washington, D.C., asks:
I am a very outgoing person, I love parties, I love lots of friends... everything like that. As a result, I don't have a lot of long term relationships. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months, and he has been gone at boot camp (in the marine corps) for 1 month. I miss him very very much so we decided to stay together despite the odds. I am going to college in 2 weeks, and I know that it is going to be a crazy experience, with all new things. My boyfriend says he is totally devoted to me and I believe him, but I don't know what to do. I want to experience college to the fullest, without being afraid and holding back, but I love my boyfriend and I don't want to hurt him. Help?
VictorM's advice:
Unless your college experience includes Girls Gone Wild material, what's the problem? Why can't you have a boyfriend and still do the parties and have lots of friends? What do you think he's going to be doing with his marine friends while he's away from you, stay home and knit? I don't think so.
Will your relationship last? No one knows. But each step of the way you will do what feels most natural. You're too young to deprive yourself of the joys of being your age. You have plenty of time for serious stuff later on in life; you won't have your college experience for nearly as long.
I am a very outgoing person, I love parties, I love lots of friends... everything like that. As a result, I don't have a lot of long term relationships. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months, and he has been gone at boot camp (in the marine corps) for 1 month. I miss him very very much so we decided to stay together despite the odds. I am going to college in 2 weeks, and I know that it is going to be a crazy experience, with all new things. My boyfriend says he is totally devoted to me and I believe him, but I don't know what to do. I want to experience college to the fullest, without being afraid and holding back, but I love my boyfriend and I don't want to hurt him. Help?
VictorM's advice:
Unless your college experience includes Girls Gone Wild material, what's the problem? Why can't you have a boyfriend and still do the parties and have lots of friends? What do you think he's going to be doing with his marine friends while he's away from you, stay home and knit? I don't think so.
Will your relationship last? No one knows. But each step of the way you will do what feels most natural. You're too young to deprive yourself of the joys of being your age. You have plenty of time for serious stuff later on in life; you won't have your college experience for nearly as long.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
It slipped out: she likes him
Dani, 23, from New Orleans, asks:
I told a guy I really like and I've been dating for a month that I like him. I know I wasn't supposed to do that, but it slipped out. I'm sure he likes me too, but he never said it (I understand why). Now he has laid off me a bit so I fear he is losing interest. How do I save face and keep his interest after such a huge slip up?
We also talk on the phone everyday, but it's starting to become less and less. Does that mean he is losing interest or that he is becoming comfortable with me? I should add that he hinted at us being together the other day. His exact words were: "I think we would make a great team. A team the world may not be able to handle." He also said that I make him want to treat me right. Yet despite all that he's been acting distant lately.
VictorM's advice:
First of all, saying you like him after going out for a month was not a huge mistake. At some point you have to gauge just how into you the guy is. In this case, from his point of view, the relationship went from being fun and easy to getting serious. Apparently, he's not ready for serious stuff yet, despite his words. The dropped phone calls and acting a little distant are a reflection of his "not ready for serious stuff" yet.
My suggestion, if you are willing to slow down too, is to respond in kind. Stay loose, keep it fun, don't bring up feelings for a while. For example, go to a movie, come home after, tell him you had a great time, give him a kiss, and wish him a good night. Be friendly, be smiley, show him that you enjoy his company, but don't smother him.
I told a guy I really like and I've been dating for a month that I like him. I know I wasn't supposed to do that, but it slipped out. I'm sure he likes me too, but he never said it (I understand why). Now he has laid off me a bit so I fear he is losing interest. How do I save face and keep his interest after such a huge slip up?
We also talk on the phone everyday, but it's starting to become less and less. Does that mean he is losing interest or that he is becoming comfortable with me? I should add that he hinted at us being together the other day. His exact words were: "I think we would make a great team. A team the world may not be able to handle." He also said that I make him want to treat me right. Yet despite all that he's been acting distant lately.
VictorM's advice:
First of all, saying you like him after going out for a month was not a huge mistake. At some point you have to gauge just how into you the guy is. In this case, from his point of view, the relationship went from being fun and easy to getting serious. Apparently, he's not ready for serious stuff yet, despite his words. The dropped phone calls and acting a little distant are a reflection of his "not ready for serious stuff" yet.
My suggestion, if you are willing to slow down too, is to respond in kind. Stay loose, keep it fun, don't bring up feelings for a while. For example, go to a movie, come home after, tell him you had a great time, give him a kiss, and wish him a good night. Be friendly, be smiley, show him that you enjoy his company, but don't smother him.
He started acting a little suspiciously
Danielle, 22, from Louisiana, asks:
Hi again!I've been dating a guy for a month1/2. He has started acting a little suspiciously. The other night we were watching movies at his house and I noticed he left his phone in his car and when we got in it to take me home he immediately checked it for calls. I also noticed his other car wasn't at his house. Also, we talk daily, several times, but it's for about 20 minutes each convo. He used to call every morning too but no longer does. He hinted that he wanted to make it official yesterday. How do I know if he's sincere or not?
VictorM's advice:
You think it's suspicious that when he got back to his car he checked his phone to see if he messages? Are you fucking kidding me? That sounds to me like the most normal thing a human would do. And the other car wasn't at his house?!?! What the hell does that mean? He used to call in the morning now he doesn't. What, do you expect him to be a robot, programmed to call each and every day at the same exact time?
My dear lord, Danielle, get a grip of yourself. If you keep this up you're going to be working for the Bush White House very soon (Suspicious behavior. He's a terrorist! He's a terrorist!) and then no one who is cool will ever talk to you again.
Hi again!I've been dating a guy for a month1/2. He has started acting a little suspiciously. The other night we were watching movies at his house and I noticed he left his phone in his car and when we got in it to take me home he immediately checked it for calls. I also noticed his other car wasn't at his house. Also, we talk daily, several times, but it's for about 20 minutes each convo. He used to call every morning too but no longer does. He hinted that he wanted to make it official yesterday. How do I know if he's sincere or not?
VictorM's advice:
You think it's suspicious that when he got back to his car he checked his phone to see if he messages? Are you fucking kidding me? That sounds to me like the most normal thing a human would do. And the other car wasn't at his house?!?! What the hell does that mean? He used to call in the morning now he doesn't. What, do you expect him to be a robot, programmed to call each and every day at the same exact time?
My dear lord, Danielle, get a grip of yourself. If you keep this up you're going to be working for the Bush White House very soon (Suspicious behavior. He's a terrorist! He's a terrorist!) and then no one who is cool will ever talk to you again.
She thinks he's the ONE
Kelsi, 21, asks:
My boyfriend and I stay together and I think that he's the ONE!! I just have one problem. I work a full-time job and I'm raising a 2 yr-old child. I'm tired a lot but I always go home and cook, clean, listen to him talk, play with my kid, bath my kid, get things ready for the next day, etc..... (you get the point.) He just sits there and doesn't help. I understand he's tired but me too and I just need some help every once and awhile. Why does he do this?
VictorM's advice:
Funny, you said "I'm raising" a child, you didn't say "we're raising"? Why was that? Is the child not his too?
In any case, change your language, change your attitude, and make it "we". Without speeches, without nagging, without major drama, start involving him in the house chores. "Honey, can you please help me with [insert chore]?" "Would you mind doing [chore] tonight?" Start slow, but make sure he does something each day. Of course, reward him when he's a good boy. ;)
Yes, yes... I can hear the rumbling all the way from Argentina... he SHOULD do it, yes, you shouldn't have to ask, blah blah... but we're not dealing with the way the world should be; we're dealing with the best to get the results you want. Be patient. Ask for small things at first. Make it sound as if he's helping you. Stroke his ego ("wow, honey, thanks so much, that was great... blow job for you tonight, baby").
All kidding aside, don't make it sound like you're a boss giving him orders, or a mom who will punish him unless... Make it an invitation to a partnership that will yield benefits to both of you.
My boyfriend and I stay together and I think that he's the ONE!! I just have one problem. I work a full-time job and I'm raising a 2 yr-old child. I'm tired a lot but I always go home and cook, clean, listen to him talk, play with my kid, bath my kid, get things ready for the next day, etc..... (you get the point.) He just sits there and doesn't help. I understand he's tired but me too and I just need some help every once and awhile. Why does he do this?
VictorM's advice:
Funny, you said "I'm raising" a child, you didn't say "we're raising"? Why was that? Is the child not his too?
In any case, change your language, change your attitude, and make it "we". Without speeches, without nagging, without major drama, start involving him in the house chores. "Honey, can you please help me with [insert chore]?" "Would you mind doing [chore] tonight?" Start slow, but make sure he does something each day. Of course, reward him when he's a good boy. ;)
Yes, yes... I can hear the rumbling all the way from Argentina... he SHOULD do it, yes, you shouldn't have to ask, blah blah... but we're not dealing with the way the world should be; we're dealing with the best to get the results you want. Be patient. Ask for small things at first. Make it sound as if he's helping you. Stroke his ego ("wow, honey, thanks so much, that was great... blow job for you tonight, baby").
All kidding aside, don't make it sound like you're a boss giving him orders, or a mom who will punish him unless... Make it an invitation to a partnership that will yield benefits to both of you.
How to keep a new marriage exciting
Victoria, 28, from Hollywood, asks:
I am getting married in a couple of months and I want to know how to keep things exciting between my fiance and I. We have a very active sex life (at least 5x a week) and I want to make sure that things stay interesting. I take good care of myself and my body and make an effort to look good for him on a daily basis. I know that guys like variety, and I want to make sure my fiance's desire for excitement and variety doesn't take the form of being attracted to or fantasizing about other women. Although I consider myself attractive, I recognize that I am not 18 and don't have the body that I did then despite my healthy eating habits and regular workouts. How can I keep him interested and our romantic life exciting as we get married and start our lives together?
VictorM's advice:
The way to keep it exciting is to behave as you did during the first month you dated. Didn't you always try to look your best? Weren't you all smiles and attentive? Didn't you laugh at his jokes? I would guess you avoided picking your nose, or belching, or farting, or eating with your mouth open, etc. in front of him, right? Well, maintain that attitude.
Usually, the problem isn't the female; the problem is going to be him. Guys are notorious for becoming lazy in this respect after tying the knot. Gently prod him to look his best for you and to behave as if he was still courting you.
I am getting married in a couple of months and I want to know how to keep things exciting between my fiance and I. We have a very active sex life (at least 5x a week) and I want to make sure that things stay interesting. I take good care of myself and my body and make an effort to look good for him on a daily basis. I know that guys like variety, and I want to make sure my fiance's desire for excitement and variety doesn't take the form of being attracted to or fantasizing about other women. Although I consider myself attractive, I recognize that I am not 18 and don't have the body that I did then despite my healthy eating habits and regular workouts. How can I keep him interested and our romantic life exciting as we get married and start our lives together?
VictorM's advice:
The way to keep it exciting is to behave as you did during the first month you dated. Didn't you always try to look your best? Weren't you all smiles and attentive? Didn't you laugh at his jokes? I would guess you avoided picking your nose, or belching, or farting, or eating with your mouth open, etc. in front of him, right? Well, maintain that attitude.
Usually, the problem isn't the female; the problem is going to be him. Guys are notorious for becoming lazy in this respect after tying the knot. Gently prod him to look his best for you and to behave as if he was still courting you.
Friday, August 17, 2007
He said they never had a relationship
Tamara, 30, from UK, asks:
My marriage recently broke down (I'm in the process of getting divorced) and, when I thought I would take my time before entering another relationship, I met this most incredible man through an online dating website.
We immediately clicked, and our first "conversation" was over 2 hours long, without mentioning sex nor anything. We found each other, in subsequent days, login in just to see whether each other were around, spending hours and hours online chatting together.
Now, when I met him, he had been divorced for 6 months after his wife and companion for 12 years cheated on him. As I learned later, this caused him a terrible heartbreak and lack of self confidence.
We met and we connected immediately. We found we tend to like the same things, we like each other physically, we enjoyed each other's company and conversation, whatever it was about, and we had incredible intimate times together. The only issue was that he lives in a town 70 miles away, so we would only see each other on weekends.
I was amazed at the man I had met: attractive, sensual, loving, caring, intelligent, in my heart, despite my initial cautions, I really felt I had met "the one".
He used to tell me wonderful things, not only that I was attractive, sexy and intelligent, but also that I was special, that he cared for me very much, that I made him feel like a prince and that never a woman had treated him the way I do. We used to text each other various times a day, always we would text goodnight to each other. Because of the distance, we would chat online for 3-5 hours every night, we would share what was happening on our lives, and encourage each other with difficult issues, etc.
Last time we were together, he met my young daughter. They immediately clicked together and they had a great time playing, going to the park, etc. Because she is so young, she started to refer to him as "Daddy" and, when I apologized to him for this, he said he didn't mind that she called him Daddy if that was how she viewed him.
He had said a few times "I love you" to me, at times he would just hold me and kiss me in the forehead and tell me how special and wonderful I was to him. So, all this put together, I felt there was something more between us that just flirt and sex.
I went away to visit my family, time at which he kept in touch by emails and explained about his dreams and plans for the future, about setting a business in another country, etc. We agreed we would sit together and talk about this when I came back. Last evening before traveling back, he sent me an email saying how much he missed both of us and was looking forward to seeing us again.
I came back, and I noted the text messages were short and unemotional. Three days later, we chatted online, and he was telling me he was very busy with work, having to do a lot of work even after coming home, having to commute for over 4 hours every day, being tired and stressed. He wasn't sending any kisses nor saying anything romantic at all. I showed him support and encouragement, and politely asked him when did he think we might be able to meet again. He just replied "don't know, why?". Very politely I said that we had a relationship and that I missed him and that I was looking forward to seeing him again, but that I understood he was busy and didn't want to put any pressure on him.
That night, at the end, saying good night, he sent me a single "x".
I thought, "OK, he is busy, I'll give him some time". Next morning I texted him to give him some encouragement and he texted back saying that he couldn't do relationships for a number of reasons. I then texted him back and said whether he wanted some time or he felt we couldn't continue together. He replied that he didn't want any emotional attachments at this point in his life, that I would be hurt and that he didn't mean to be horrible.
After many tears, and careful consideration, I sent him an email apologizing for putting more pressure on him, saying that I understood he was having a difficult time and that I wanted to be his friend through this, and asking him not to make any decisions about "us" whilst he was under so much strain, as he could make a decision that he would regret later.
He emailed me back saying that he didn't know what to say, that he didn't want to hurt me, that I was special for him and that what we had wasn't a relationship, was just a friendship. He also listed my qualities and he said that they were rare these days. He said he had always given up his dreams for one reason or another and that he couldn't allow himself to get emotionally attached to anyone.
I asked him whether I could call him on the phone to talk, but had no reply. After a few days, got a message from him hoping I was ok and, when I replied, he said that the previous weekend he had collapsed through exhaustion, fell and was knocked unconscious. Later I texted him saying it would be good if we could meet for a beer and talk, and he texted saying that he agreed and that we would do so when things were "less hectic".
Since, I've emailed him once and I also texted him to say that I hoped he was feeling better and that he was able to get some proper rest. After nearly 2 weeks, just got a couple of texts saying many thanks, that I'm special and he hopes I'm ok and that the divorce goes amicably.
I've relied on text messages and emails as, from my understanding, I could be inconvenient if I just call him at any given time, as he might just be working and working some more.
I feel he, in his heart of hearts, would wish that the relationship could continue, but he is afraid that I will stop him from realizing his dreams or from pursuing a better life.
I desperately would want to show him that this is not the case, but I'm waiting for the time when he finds it appropriate to meet again. In the meantime, I would want him to not give up on us, but I don't get enough of his time to even show him support and encouragement.
We had a wonderful relationship and, in the space of 4 days, everything went wrong, from what he said it's over and he communicated this by text message, and I haven't been given any reasons, any explanations nor the chance to defend my case.
What's your advice on this?
Thank you for taking your time considering this.
Tamara
VictorM's advice:
Stop calling, texting, emailing, saying you want to be a friend, wanting to show support, etc. etc. You THINK that doing those things will help but they won't! It just makes things worse! Here's why: if he's coming off a marriage, started seeing you and getting involved, then feels that maybe he rushed things too much and that he's not ready for it, your constant "mothering" of him confirms his worst fears! So while he's looking to have a relaxed, let's-take-it-easy time, you're presenting him with just the opposite. Stop acting like a mother! You're acting like he's a 4 year old. It's very irritating, particularly when a guy wants to step back and reevaluate his feelings.
So why the early passion, and why the cool off? He came off a heartbreaking end to his marriage. When we are wounded, we seek to heal that wound. We sometimes even fabricate qualities about a new partner just so that we can feel healed, hence terms like "rose-colored glasses" or "blinded by love". He sought in you, and found in you, what he needed to ease the pain. Then you went away. What happened while you were gone? I don't know. Maybe his ex made contact. Maybe he realized he didn't miss you that much. Maybe he missed you too much and that scared him.
You want him not to give up on you two but he will only want you if he wants you, not if you pester him about it. And yes, I did use the word "pester" after thinking carefully about it because that's the way your messages probably came off as. If you can't wait for him -- I don't blame you for having a time limit -- then move on.
But you must understand that the early flurry of passion is no indication of how he feels now. Our bodies are doused with chemicals when we first feel attracted to someone. Eventually, that slows down and then reality hits. If you read through my archives, you'll see hundreds of cases where girls say their guy was so into them early on but the attention then dropped. It happens so often. If you make too many plans based on the initial reaction by guys, far too often you will be disappointed. It's not that the guys play games with you; it's that nature plays games with guys.
Make yourself scarce. If he's interested, he'll pursue you. If he's not, your frequent attempts to contact him will not rectify that.
My marriage recently broke down (I'm in the process of getting divorced) and, when I thought I would take my time before entering another relationship, I met this most incredible man through an online dating website.
We immediately clicked, and our first "conversation" was over 2 hours long, without mentioning sex nor anything. We found each other, in subsequent days, login in just to see whether each other were around, spending hours and hours online chatting together.
Now, when I met him, he had been divorced for 6 months after his wife and companion for 12 years cheated on him. As I learned later, this caused him a terrible heartbreak and lack of self confidence.
We met and we connected immediately. We found we tend to like the same things, we like each other physically, we enjoyed each other's company and conversation, whatever it was about, and we had incredible intimate times together. The only issue was that he lives in a town 70 miles away, so we would only see each other on weekends.
I was amazed at the man I had met: attractive, sensual, loving, caring, intelligent, in my heart, despite my initial cautions, I really felt I had met "the one".
He used to tell me wonderful things, not only that I was attractive, sexy and intelligent, but also that I was special, that he cared for me very much, that I made him feel like a prince and that never a woman had treated him the way I do. We used to text each other various times a day, always we would text goodnight to each other. Because of the distance, we would chat online for 3-5 hours every night, we would share what was happening on our lives, and encourage each other with difficult issues, etc.
Last time we were together, he met my young daughter. They immediately clicked together and they had a great time playing, going to the park, etc. Because she is so young, she started to refer to him as "Daddy" and, when I apologized to him for this, he said he didn't mind that she called him Daddy if that was how she viewed him.
He had said a few times "I love you" to me, at times he would just hold me and kiss me in the forehead and tell me how special and wonderful I was to him. So, all this put together, I felt there was something more between us that just flirt and sex.
I went away to visit my family, time at which he kept in touch by emails and explained about his dreams and plans for the future, about setting a business in another country, etc. We agreed we would sit together and talk about this when I came back. Last evening before traveling back, he sent me an email saying how much he missed both of us and was looking forward to seeing us again.
I came back, and I noted the text messages were short and unemotional. Three days later, we chatted online, and he was telling me he was very busy with work, having to do a lot of work even after coming home, having to commute for over 4 hours every day, being tired and stressed. He wasn't sending any kisses nor saying anything romantic at all. I showed him support and encouragement, and politely asked him when did he think we might be able to meet again. He just replied "don't know, why?". Very politely I said that we had a relationship and that I missed him and that I was looking forward to seeing him again, but that I understood he was busy and didn't want to put any pressure on him.
That night, at the end, saying good night, he sent me a single "x".
I thought, "OK, he is busy, I'll give him some time". Next morning I texted him to give him some encouragement and he texted back saying that he couldn't do relationships for a number of reasons. I then texted him back and said whether he wanted some time or he felt we couldn't continue together. He replied that he didn't want any emotional attachments at this point in his life, that I would be hurt and that he didn't mean to be horrible.
After many tears, and careful consideration, I sent him an email apologizing for putting more pressure on him, saying that I understood he was having a difficult time and that I wanted to be his friend through this, and asking him not to make any decisions about "us" whilst he was under so much strain, as he could make a decision that he would regret later.
He emailed me back saying that he didn't know what to say, that he didn't want to hurt me, that I was special for him and that what we had wasn't a relationship, was just a friendship. He also listed my qualities and he said that they were rare these days. He said he had always given up his dreams for one reason or another and that he couldn't allow himself to get emotionally attached to anyone.
I asked him whether I could call him on the phone to talk, but had no reply. After a few days, got a message from him hoping I was ok and, when I replied, he said that the previous weekend he had collapsed through exhaustion, fell and was knocked unconscious. Later I texted him saying it would be good if we could meet for a beer and talk, and he texted saying that he agreed and that we would do so when things were "less hectic".
Since, I've emailed him once and I also texted him to say that I hoped he was feeling better and that he was able to get some proper rest. After nearly 2 weeks, just got a couple of texts saying many thanks, that I'm special and he hopes I'm ok and that the divorce goes amicably.
I've relied on text messages and emails as, from my understanding, I could be inconvenient if I just call him at any given time, as he might just be working and working some more.
I feel he, in his heart of hearts, would wish that the relationship could continue, but he is afraid that I will stop him from realizing his dreams or from pursuing a better life.
I desperately would want to show him that this is not the case, but I'm waiting for the time when he finds it appropriate to meet again. In the meantime, I would want him to not give up on us, but I don't get enough of his time to even show him support and encouragement.
We had a wonderful relationship and, in the space of 4 days, everything went wrong, from what he said it's over and he communicated this by text message, and I haven't been given any reasons, any explanations nor the chance to defend my case.
What's your advice on this?
Thank you for taking your time considering this.
Tamara
VictorM's advice:
Stop calling, texting, emailing, saying you want to be a friend, wanting to show support, etc. etc. You THINK that doing those things will help but they won't! It just makes things worse! Here's why: if he's coming off a marriage, started seeing you and getting involved, then feels that maybe he rushed things too much and that he's not ready for it, your constant "mothering" of him confirms his worst fears! So while he's looking to have a relaxed, let's-take-it-easy time, you're presenting him with just the opposite. Stop acting like a mother! You're acting like he's a 4 year old. It's very irritating, particularly when a guy wants to step back and reevaluate his feelings.
So why the early passion, and why the cool off? He came off a heartbreaking end to his marriage. When we are wounded, we seek to heal that wound. We sometimes even fabricate qualities about a new partner just so that we can feel healed, hence terms like "rose-colored glasses" or "blinded by love". He sought in you, and found in you, what he needed to ease the pain. Then you went away. What happened while you were gone? I don't know. Maybe his ex made contact. Maybe he realized he didn't miss you that much. Maybe he missed you too much and that scared him.
You want him not to give up on you two but he will only want you if he wants you, not if you pester him about it. And yes, I did use the word "pester" after thinking carefully about it because that's the way your messages probably came off as. If you can't wait for him -- I don't blame you for having a time limit -- then move on.
But you must understand that the early flurry of passion is no indication of how he feels now. Our bodies are doused with chemicals when we first feel attracted to someone. Eventually, that slows down and then reality hits. If you read through my archives, you'll see hundreds of cases where girls say their guy was so into them early on but the attention then dropped. It happens so often. If you make too many plans based on the initial reaction by guys, far too often you will be disappointed. It's not that the guys play games with you; it's that nature plays games with guys.
Make yourself scarce. If he's interested, he'll pursue you. If he's not, your frequent attempts to contact him will not rectify that.
Coworker suddenly stopped flirting
Karen, 43, from: WNY, asks:
I have a huge crush on male co-worker. We flirt with each other all the time. He usually starts by teasing or doing anything to get me to pay attention to him. Suddenly he just stop flirting and teasing. Simply just ignoring me. What should I think about this? Confused as nothing was done or said between us. Today when I was standing in line to punch out, I said something like....you been quiet lately. His response was if you ignore someone maybe they will go away! Should I just ignore him now? Please advise.
VictorM's advice:
It is possible someone on management spoke to him about it. Sexual harassment is a big issue these days, and rightly so. It's possible his flirting was reported. It's also possible he thinks it was reported by you.
It's also possible he's decided to play hard to get to see just how much you're interested. That's not at all an uncommon tactic by guys. The logic behind that is that it makes girls think about the guy. And it works, for you are writing to me about it, aren't you?
Another possibility is he simply lost interest. You need to understand that flirting does not mean interest in the person. Often it's done to break up the monotony of work. And if that's the case, the flirting with the same person for too long becomes monotonous and loses its appeal.
If you want to clear the air, find out if he was reported and if so assure him you didn't do it, or if you simply want to pursue your crush, find a way to meet him away from work. Doing it at work is very risky.
I have a huge crush on male co-worker. We flirt with each other all the time. He usually starts by teasing or doing anything to get me to pay attention to him. Suddenly he just stop flirting and teasing. Simply just ignoring me. What should I think about this? Confused as nothing was done or said between us. Today when I was standing in line to punch out, I said something like....you been quiet lately. His response was if you ignore someone maybe they will go away! Should I just ignore him now? Please advise.
VictorM's advice:
It is possible someone on management spoke to him about it. Sexual harassment is a big issue these days, and rightly so. It's possible his flirting was reported. It's also possible he thinks it was reported by you.
It's also possible he's decided to play hard to get to see just how much you're interested. That's not at all an uncommon tactic by guys. The logic behind that is that it makes girls think about the guy. And it works, for you are writing to me about it, aren't you?
Another possibility is he simply lost interest. You need to understand that flirting does not mean interest in the person. Often it's done to break up the monotony of work. And if that's the case, the flirting with the same person for too long becomes monotonous and loses its appeal.
If you want to clear the air, find out if he was reported and if so assure him you didn't do it, or if you simply want to pursue your crush, find a way to meet him away from work. Doing it at work is very risky.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
We agree: he is an asshole
lisa, 30, from lynchburg, asks:
Thank you for the response to my prooblem after looking through my boyfrien's phone.We both agree that he's an asshole, but what do I do now? He still won't talk to me. I have sent him text messages with no response, and I even asked to see him and he came up with some excuse (saying that he had something to do). Do I let go or what I don't know what to do. I like honesty and I told him to let me know if he still wanted us to talk, no answer there either. He said that he didn't have a problem with me just don' have anything to say. Help me.
VictorM's advice:
Lisa, you did something silly but in the process you discovered he's an asshole. Why not just thank your lucky stars and move on to a guy that has an ounce of personality and forget this jerk? Really, run away from this guy! It doesn't matter what he says anymore; all that you needed to know about him to run away from him you already know: he's little child wrapped in a man's body. Get away; don't look back! He's not going to change. You'll be staring at an unhappy life with this guy even if he came around. You had a peek at what the future with him would be like and it's not pretty. Please, Lisa, take this great gift from fate and move on! Now! Find a guy that is an adult and has the character and personality to deal with you in good times and bad.
No need to write again about this guy. Forget him. Go find another.
(I just saw your other submission as I was typing this.)
Thank you for the response to my prooblem after looking through my boyfrien's phone.We both agree that he's an asshole, but what do I do now? He still won't talk to me. I have sent him text messages with no response, and I even asked to see him and he came up with some excuse (saying that he had something to do). Do I let go or what I don't know what to do. I like honesty and I told him to let me know if he still wanted us to talk, no answer there either. He said that he didn't have a problem with me just don' have anything to say. Help me.
VictorM's advice:
Lisa, you did something silly but in the process you discovered he's an asshole. Why not just thank your lucky stars and move on to a guy that has an ounce of personality and forget this jerk? Really, run away from this guy! It doesn't matter what he says anymore; all that you needed to know about him to run away from him you already know: he's little child wrapped in a man's body. Get away; don't look back! He's not going to change. You'll be staring at an unhappy life with this guy even if he came around. You had a peek at what the future with him would be like and it's not pretty. Please, Lisa, take this great gift from fate and move on! Now! Find a guy that is an adult and has the character and personality to deal with you in good times and bad.
No need to write again about this guy. Forget him. Go find another.
(I just saw your other submission as I was typing this.)
Is he just after a green card?
Am I just a Green Card?, 20, from US, asks:
Ok, you probably don't get this often:
I've been sort of seeing a guy from work. We have been keeping it casual because of some distance issues, but have a few weeks until I go back to school (even then its only a half hour drive). This has led to us spending more time together and getting more serious to the point where I would be interested in taking it to being a relationship. The only problem is that he is an illegal immigrant and I have a sneaking suspicion that he is pursuing me for a green card/citizenship. I've subtly asked another coworker, who insisted that she was sure he was into me, not my citizenship, and that he talks all the time about how much he likes me but says what we do together is nobody's business. Another mentioned that he wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend and eventually maybe marry. He's mentioned that he will wait for me to be done with school before getting too serious and that I should have fun while in school (but he would really like for us to just date each other!). But he has made one or two comments about how his mom told him to get married to a citizen when he moved here and he was going to but the person he talked to charged too much (it's a business in my town???). So I'm a little conflicted. Is there any easy way to tell? Is there a non-offensive way to ask him if he is serious? Am I being paranoid?
VictorM's advice:
You're not being paranoid. You have good reason to be concerned. But here's why I don't think you should worry about it: you like the guy but that doesn't mean you're going to marry him anytime soon. You'll have plenty of time to access his real motivation. Even if you two get very serious, you wouldn't be getting married for another 4 years, at least. Would he wait that long if all he wanted was a green card? Maybe, but you'll probably be able to tell by then. Besides, there is nothing that says he wouldn't like a green card AND is in love with you. This is very likely.
Yes, marrying illegals for money is a business in the USA. It's illegal and could land those people in jail but it's done often. Many illegal immigrants come from countries where their future leads nowhere. Some will face nothing but massive poverty and very depressing conditions if they go back. They will do just about anything to stay here. His mom's advice is that of a mother who wants a better life for her son.
A warning: If you do get into a serious relationship and he happens to get caught and needs a marriage to stay in the country, would you be tempted to rush into a marriage with him before you're ready? Something to consider, for sure.
Do not insult him by asking him. Besides, if all he really wanted was a green card would he say so? Of course not. So, for now, you enjoy his company and he enjoys yours. Unless and until he puts some pressure on you for marriage before you're ready, follow your heart.
Ok, you probably don't get this often:
I've been sort of seeing a guy from work. We have been keeping it casual because of some distance issues, but have a few weeks until I go back to school (even then its only a half hour drive). This has led to us spending more time together and getting more serious to the point where I would be interested in taking it to being a relationship. The only problem is that he is an illegal immigrant and I have a sneaking suspicion that he is pursuing me for a green card/citizenship. I've subtly asked another coworker, who insisted that she was sure he was into me, not my citizenship, and that he talks all the time about how much he likes me but says what we do together is nobody's business. Another mentioned that he wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend and eventually maybe marry. He's mentioned that he will wait for me to be done with school before getting too serious and that I should have fun while in school (but he would really like for us to just date each other!). But he has made one or two comments about how his mom told him to get married to a citizen when he moved here and he was going to but the person he talked to charged too much (it's a business in my town???). So I'm a little conflicted. Is there any easy way to tell? Is there a non-offensive way to ask him if he is serious? Am I being paranoid?
VictorM's advice:
You're not being paranoid. You have good reason to be concerned. But here's why I don't think you should worry about it: you like the guy but that doesn't mean you're going to marry him anytime soon. You'll have plenty of time to access his real motivation. Even if you two get very serious, you wouldn't be getting married for another 4 years, at least. Would he wait that long if all he wanted was a green card? Maybe, but you'll probably be able to tell by then. Besides, there is nothing that says he wouldn't like a green card AND is in love with you. This is very likely.
Yes, marrying illegals for money is a business in the USA. It's illegal and could land those people in jail but it's done often. Many illegal immigrants come from countries where their future leads nowhere. Some will face nothing but massive poverty and very depressing conditions if they go back. They will do just about anything to stay here. His mom's advice is that of a mother who wants a better life for her son.
A warning: If you do get into a serious relationship and he happens to get caught and needs a marriage to stay in the country, would you be tempted to rush into a marriage with him before you're ready? Something to consider, for sure.
Do not insult him by asking him. Besides, if all he really wanted was a green card would he say so? Of course not. So, for now, you enjoy his company and he enjoys yours. Unless and until he puts some pressure on you for marriage before you're ready, follow your heart.
Her friend thinks he likes her
Roxy, 13, from Australia, asks:
There's a guy I really like, I've only met him 3 or 2 times. I meet him with other people in an afterscool program. I think he's really cute, my friend says that he likes me, but I'm not really sure. He always picks me to be in his team and always looks and smiles at me. My friend was going to ask him out for me. He's 2 yrs older than me, I want to know if you think he likes me, or do you think I should ask him because my friend thinks we are really good together and since we don't go to the same school we'll have more time to know each other.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he likes you, but don't let your friend ask him out for you. And don't rush to ask him yourself. Try to establish more of a friendship first. Talk to him more about things he likes. After that, you should do what your instincts tell you, not what your friend thinks.
There's a guy I really like, I've only met him 3 or 2 times. I meet him with other people in an afterscool program. I think he's really cute, my friend says that he likes me, but I'm not really sure. He always picks me to be in his team and always looks and smiles at me. My friend was going to ask him out for me. He's 2 yrs older than me, I want to know if you think he likes me, or do you think I should ask him because my friend thinks we are really good together and since we don't go to the same school we'll have more time to know each other.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know if he likes you, but don't let your friend ask him out for you. And don't rush to ask him yourself. Try to establish more of a friendship first. Talk to him more about things he likes. After that, you should do what your instincts tell you, not what your friend thinks.
She goes for older guys
Sarah, 15, from Washington, asks:
I tend to go for guys that are older, a lot older, usually around 23 or so, and I'm only 15. I look a lot older then I am which means they flirt with me too and then it becomes really tempting. Is it bad to flirt for a while even though I know eventually when they ask me out I have to tell them no?
VictorM's advice:
Nah, if it's fun for you, trust me, it's fun for them too, so go ahead, as long as stays harmless fun. You could, however, gain a reputation as a "cockteaser" and scare away the good guys. So it's something to think about, particularly if you live in a small town. But at your age, tormenting boys is in the job description.
I tend to go for guys that are older, a lot older, usually around 23 or so, and I'm only 15. I look a lot older then I am which means they flirt with me too and then it becomes really tempting. Is it bad to flirt for a while even though I know eventually when they ask me out I have to tell them no?
VictorM's advice:
Nah, if it's fun for you, trust me, it's fun for them too, so go ahead, as long as stays harmless fun. You could, however, gain a reputation as a "cockteaser" and scare away the good guys. So it's something to think about, particularly if you live in a small town. But at your age, tormenting boys is in the job description.
Walnut had a baby girl!
Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:
Hi Victor,
I have a baby girl. My ex didn't show up till after I gave birth (he had more than 1 day notice!) He took us home from hospital and 2-3 phone calls. That's all. He wants his car back, still no money return (I gave up chase for ages), no mention about child support money. My girl has no father at all. It's very sad. When I knew him, he was very nice to his nephews and niece. How come he treats his daughter like that?! Sometimes, I can't help crying for my girl that I chose such a man to her father. Nearly everything he told me was a lie, from where he came from, how much he earns, what he wants to do... he loves baby... I met his family - very normal loving family, and his family friends - they gave him very positive comments. How can things turn up like this?? I don't know what can I do to help my girl. I see there is no point to ring him or to ask him to do any thing.
VictorM's advice:
Congratulations. Glad to hear all went well with the birth.
As for the father, yeah, he's proven once again he's a loser. It is sad, I agree. But your baby will be fine with you.
So, did you call her Argville? :)
Hi Victor,
I have a baby girl. My ex didn't show up till after I gave birth (he had more than 1 day notice!) He took us home from hospital and 2-3 phone calls. That's all. He wants his car back, still no money return (I gave up chase for ages), no mention about child support money. My girl has no father at all. It's very sad. When I knew him, he was very nice to his nephews and niece. How come he treats his daughter like that?! Sometimes, I can't help crying for my girl that I chose such a man to her father. Nearly everything he told me was a lie, from where he came from, how much he earns, what he wants to do... he loves baby... I met his family - very normal loving family, and his family friends - they gave him very positive comments. How can things turn up like this?? I don't know what can I do to help my girl. I see there is no point to ring him or to ask him to do any thing.
VictorM's advice:
Congratulations. Glad to hear all went well with the birth.
As for the father, yeah, he's proven once again he's a loser. It is sad, I agree. But your baby will be fine with you.
So, did you call her Argville? :)
It's our number one Kate
Kate, 13, from: Boston asks:
Heya, AGAIN.
~We don't really talk (partly cause I'm shy)
~We DO hang out together, in a group anyways
~I've known him for 7 years, liked him for 5
~Last year, he used to kind of flirt with me, but now he doesn't at all
~He might like my friend Taylor, who's into HIS friend Mike
~He basically ignores me (not in a mean way, just in a way that someone who doesn't know someone else well would)
~He knows I like him, but his behavior towards me since then hasn't been any different
~When he found out I like him, he told my friend Taylor that he doesn't mind
The summer's almost over and we don't even live in the same town!!!! Once school starts (August 29) and the pool closes for the winter (September 3), I won't see him until next June! Should I just ask him out and hope for the best? If I do and he says no, next summer might be really awkward and awful. Just help me!
~Kate
VictorM's advice:
I assume we're talking about Max (it's hard to keep up with you, Kate). :)
You have got nothing to lose by asking him. After all, if you don't, you won't go out with him; if you ask, you stand a chance he will say yes. But being shy, how are you going to ask? Don't send a friend or a note. You should do it to his face. Can you do that?
Of course you can! It's one moment of courage. One moment that could change the fate of the world. One moment when we all can get together and sing... I'm free, I'm free, I'm free at ... er.... sorry, I got carried away.
Go for it Kate!
Heya, AGAIN.
~We don't really talk (partly cause I'm shy)
~We DO hang out together, in a group anyways
~I've known him for 7 years, liked him for 5
~Last year, he used to kind of flirt with me, but now he doesn't at all
~He might like my friend Taylor, who's into HIS friend Mike
~He basically ignores me (not in a mean way, just in a way that someone who doesn't know someone else well would)
~He knows I like him, but his behavior towards me since then hasn't been any different
~When he found out I like him, he told my friend Taylor that he doesn't mind
The summer's almost over and we don't even live in the same town!!!! Once school starts (August 29) and the pool closes for the winter (September 3), I won't see him until next June! Should I just ask him out and hope for the best? If I do and he says no, next summer might be really awkward and awful. Just help me!
~Kate
VictorM's advice:
I assume we're talking about Max (it's hard to keep up with you, Kate). :)
You have got nothing to lose by asking him. After all, if you don't, you won't go out with him; if you ask, you stand a chance he will say yes. But being shy, how are you going to ask? Don't send a friend or a note. You should do it to his face. Can you do that?
Of course you can! It's one moment of courage. One moment that could change the fate of the world. One moment when we all can get together and sing... I'm free, I'm free, I'm free at ... er.... sorry, I got carried away.
Go for it Kate!
If he's not interested why does he say he is?
suzy, 20, from aust, asks:
If he' not interested by his actions then why does he say he is interested when asked? Is it because he wasts to leave the door open and not say anything? Doesn't want to hurt me? I'm not sure how to read this one!
VictorM's answer:
You read it perfectly. Those are the two common reasons: never burn any bridges, and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Basically, he's a coward, but a forward-thinking one.
If he' not interested by his actions then why does he say he is interested when asked? Is it because he wasts to leave the door open and not say anything? Doesn't want to hurt me? I'm not sure how to read this one!
VictorM's answer:
You read it perfectly. Those are the two common reasons: never burn any bridges, and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Basically, he's a coward, but a forward-thinking one.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Her confidence is in the toilet
adrianna, 19, from syracuse, new york, asks:
My ex and I dated all four years of high school [we just broke up a few weeks ago]. I will openly admit the relationship was rocky, and extremely stressful. He was never really emotionally available to me, which makes me sound so pathetic for having stuck around for so long. I'm actually contemplating if I was in some way "addicted" to him, and his bad behavior. Is that possible? This guy really did a number on me, my confidence is in the toilet! Advice? help! -thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Very possible. I often use the word "addicted" to replace "in love". Too often people confused the two. Yes, you can become addicted to someone that feeds a dominant need in your personality, even if it is an unpleasant one. Some people are addicted to feeling like victims, to being mistreated, etc. A lot has to do with their upbringing and experiences.
If you don't recognize what it is and deal with it, chances are that the next guy you get attracted to will exhibit the same traits as this guy. There's also the chance that this was just a one timer situation. You were just naive and now you're not as much. But that you feel your confidence is in the toilet because of one guy suggests to me you have personal issues to deal with. You defer too much to the other person. You give them too much credit.
If you can afford therapy, try it. Professional therapy would be best. If you can't afford it, write back and be a little more specific about your circumstances. What bad behavior did you put up with? Why is your confidence in the toilet? What did he say/do that caused that? What are your parents like, specially your father?
The point is not to dwell on the past but to learn from it. Basically, what do you need to change about yourself (and yes, it is you, not him, that needs chancing) so that relationships don't turn into addictions for you.
Meanwhile, congratulations for having made the move. You're a lot stronger than you probably give yourself credit for. Doesn't matter that you stayed for longer than you should; it matters that you made the move. And because it took you longer, the more courage it denotes.
My ex and I dated all four years of high school [we just broke up a few weeks ago]. I will openly admit the relationship was rocky, and extremely stressful. He was never really emotionally available to me, which makes me sound so pathetic for having stuck around for so long. I'm actually contemplating if I was in some way "addicted" to him, and his bad behavior. Is that possible? This guy really did a number on me, my confidence is in the toilet! Advice? help! -thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Very possible. I often use the word "addicted" to replace "in love". Too often people confused the two. Yes, you can become addicted to someone that feeds a dominant need in your personality, even if it is an unpleasant one. Some people are addicted to feeling like victims, to being mistreated, etc. A lot has to do with their upbringing and experiences.
If you don't recognize what it is and deal with it, chances are that the next guy you get attracted to will exhibit the same traits as this guy. There's also the chance that this was just a one timer situation. You were just naive and now you're not as much. But that you feel your confidence is in the toilet because of one guy suggests to me you have personal issues to deal with. You defer too much to the other person. You give them too much credit.
If you can afford therapy, try it. Professional therapy would be best. If you can't afford it, write back and be a little more specific about your circumstances. What bad behavior did you put up with? Why is your confidence in the toilet? What did he say/do that caused that? What are your parents like, specially your father?
The point is not to dwell on the past but to learn from it. Basically, what do you need to change about yourself (and yes, it is you, not him, that needs chancing) so that relationships don't turn into addictions for you.
Meanwhile, congratulations for having made the move. You're a lot stronger than you probably give yourself credit for. Doesn't matter that you stayed for longer than you should; it matters that you made the move. And because it took you longer, the more courage it denotes.
She still talks to her ex
Rachel, 29, from Watertown, asks:
It is about my ex boyfriend. We broke up over a year ago. But we still talk. I had promise him if one day we might be able to get back together if things change. And now for the past month I've been seeing him more then usual. But we don't do anything. He is always talking about things we use to do. I just would like to know if he still wants to get back together or is just playing games with me?
VictorM's advice:
How would he be playing games? You talk to him of your own free will. If anyone is playing games is you, with yourself. What do you care if he wants to get together or not? What do YOU want? Why are you talking to him? What do you want out of this dialog with the guy?
Now let me ask you, why did you two break-up? And what do you think happened in the one year since the breakup that all of a sudden would make a reconciliation a success? I mean, if he was not romantic, do you think he is now? If he was lazy, do you think he is not now? What could possibly have changed?
No, I don't think he wants to get back together. He's just having a hard time dealing with his own future and so he is rehashing the failed past. But he will stop talking to you once he finds a path forward.
It is about my ex boyfriend. We broke up over a year ago. But we still talk. I had promise him if one day we might be able to get back together if things change. And now for the past month I've been seeing him more then usual. But we don't do anything. He is always talking about things we use to do. I just would like to know if he still wants to get back together or is just playing games with me?
VictorM's advice:
How would he be playing games? You talk to him of your own free will. If anyone is playing games is you, with yourself. What do you care if he wants to get together or not? What do YOU want? Why are you talking to him? What do you want out of this dialog with the guy?
Now let me ask you, why did you two break-up? And what do you think happened in the one year since the breakup that all of a sudden would make a reconciliation a success? I mean, if he was not romantic, do you think he is now? If he was lazy, do you think he is not now? What could possibly have changed?
No, I don't think he wants to get back together. He's just having a hard time dealing with his own future and so he is rehashing the failed past. But he will stop talking to you once he finds a path forward.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
After three months, oops, she learns he's not single
Emmy, 32, from New Jersey, asks:
Oh I am so stuck in ARGville.
Last Christmas I met someone that eventually became my boyfriend. About 3 months into the relationship he tells me that oops no he's not single. He's married with baby but separated going to get divorced. He was traveling to my city weekly spending time with me, or flying me to different cities to be with him and calling me constantly when he wasn't with me. When he confessed I said that I couldn't be with him. He begged he pleaded he cried -he CRIED!!- for me not to leave him. Asked me to please wait that he would be out of the marriage by November. Visits calls emails all continued all moving forward even with plans to relocate to NY for OUR future.
Fast forward a few months ... He flew overseas to go back home for some paperwork visit his mom and had me join him. After my visit I came back to the states and his work then took him to Asia. All the time he was there were almost daily phone calls lasting hours. Can't wait to see you be with you that sort of thing.
Two weeks ago Monday he flies back to the States starts acting strange. I ask what's wrong why distant why different. His answers were nothing is wrong nothing different. That Friday I get a text DONT CALL ME DONT TEXT ME Umm what? I sent message back HUH WHAT HAPPENED? I hadn't been calling nor texting. The next day Sat I get an email asking "What happened? I got 200 texts and had over 50 missed calls from you" No call nothing else until Monday ....AT 3:45AM!! He's on road again said he was mad at all the calls. I told him hey I hadn't. I said to myself well technology made excuses. Well next day Tues SURPRISE! A call from someone claiming to be his wife, telling me they had a 10 month old baby. She had been ill with postpartum depression her family taking care of her etc etc Knew I was husbands friend that I had lots of problems taking time AWAY from HIS family please stop calling.
WHAT?! I was stunned called him immediately His first question was OH GOD WHAT DID YOU TELL HER? Of course I had my own set of questions but he asked me to please give him time to come visit this Monday and we would chat then. That eve he calls leaves his normal sweet message asking me to call. Next day Wed I do, all day. He doesn't answer, doesn't return my calls texts or emails. When I am able to reach him Thurs morning he's back in his city. His tone is cold distant and flat. Said he walked into a hornets nest when he got home then very busy with work, couldn't talk, same story Friday. During these calls my question is basically WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHAT DO YOU WANT? No answers other than "I can't get into this now we will talk when I get there." I sent him a text asking if all had been a lie that he always promised wouldn't hurt me that I made him soooo very happy why do this to me. He didn't respond and hasn't called over the week end. Of course the past days have been HELL for me - I try to call he won't answer, tried to email responds w "Please don't email or text. Will talk next week." I know you're going to unload on me here but ... why not just TELL ME what is going on? We've talked about all sorts of things, future, ideas, plans. Why the silence now? I'm having a hard time believing that someone could be soooo devious for so many months have a double life have no compassion as to how their actions are affecting others. That all was nothing more than a LIE. Then the wife ... should I tell her what really happened? Please offer me some words of advice because I am beside myself ...
VictorM's advice:
For crying out loud Emmy, the freaking guy is a major liar, a seriously flawed man, and yet you are spending enormous energy going back and forth. Are you fucking nuts? Emmy, the guy is a fake, a fraud, a liar, a manipulator! Why in the freaking world are you going back and forth with him? What do you really expect to hear from a liar but more lies? Do you think all of a sudden he's going to turn into a decent, compassionate man and pour is soul out to you? Wake up!
Seriously, the guy is a major jerk but what the heck is wrong with you that you just can't comprehend this and stay the hell away from him? There's no point in talking to him. HE'S A LIAR AND YOU'LL GET NOTHING BUT MORE LIES!!
You need to join our ARGville forum. There's quite a few members there that can talk some sense into you. And boy, you need it!
Hey, I'm glad you're stuck on ARGville. :)
Oh I am so stuck in ARGville.
Last Christmas I met someone that eventually became my boyfriend. About 3 months into the relationship he tells me that oops no he's not single. He's married with baby but separated going to get divorced. He was traveling to my city weekly spending time with me, or flying me to different cities to be with him and calling me constantly when he wasn't with me. When he confessed I said that I couldn't be with him. He begged he pleaded he cried -he CRIED!!- for me not to leave him. Asked me to please wait that he would be out of the marriage by November. Visits calls emails all continued all moving forward even with plans to relocate to NY for OUR future.
Fast forward a few months ... He flew overseas to go back home for some paperwork visit his mom and had me join him. After my visit I came back to the states and his work then took him to Asia. All the time he was there were almost daily phone calls lasting hours. Can't wait to see you be with you that sort of thing.
Two weeks ago Monday he flies back to the States starts acting strange. I ask what's wrong why distant why different. His answers were nothing is wrong nothing different. That Friday I get a text DONT CALL ME DONT TEXT ME Umm what? I sent message back HUH WHAT HAPPENED? I hadn't been calling nor texting. The next day Sat I get an email asking "What happened? I got 200 texts and had over 50 missed calls from you" No call nothing else until Monday ....AT 3:45AM!! He's on road again said he was mad at all the calls. I told him hey I hadn't. I said to myself well technology made excuses. Well next day Tues SURPRISE! A call from someone claiming to be his wife, telling me they had a 10 month old baby. She had been ill with postpartum depression her family taking care of her etc etc Knew I was husbands friend that I had lots of problems taking time AWAY from HIS family please stop calling.
WHAT?! I was stunned called him immediately His first question was OH GOD WHAT DID YOU TELL HER? Of course I had my own set of questions but he asked me to please give him time to come visit this Monday and we would chat then. That eve he calls leaves his normal sweet message asking me to call. Next day Wed I do, all day. He doesn't answer, doesn't return my calls texts or emails. When I am able to reach him Thurs morning he's back in his city. His tone is cold distant and flat. Said he walked into a hornets nest when he got home then very busy with work, couldn't talk, same story Friday. During these calls my question is basically WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHAT DO YOU WANT? No answers other than "I can't get into this now we will talk when I get there." I sent him a text asking if all had been a lie that he always promised wouldn't hurt me that I made him soooo very happy why do this to me. He didn't respond and hasn't called over the week end. Of course the past days have been HELL for me - I try to call he won't answer, tried to email responds w "Please don't email or text. Will talk next week." I know you're going to unload on me here but ... why not just TELL ME what is going on? We've talked about all sorts of things, future, ideas, plans. Why the silence now? I'm having a hard time believing that someone could be soooo devious for so many months have a double life have no compassion as to how their actions are affecting others. That all was nothing more than a LIE. Then the wife ... should I tell her what really happened? Please offer me some words of advice because I am beside myself ...
VictorM's advice:
For crying out loud Emmy, the freaking guy is a major liar, a seriously flawed man, and yet you are spending enormous energy going back and forth. Are you fucking nuts? Emmy, the guy is a fake, a fraud, a liar, a manipulator! Why in the freaking world are you going back and forth with him? What do you really expect to hear from a liar but more lies? Do you think all of a sudden he's going to turn into a decent, compassionate man and pour is soul out to you? Wake up!
Seriously, the guy is a major jerk but what the heck is wrong with you that you just can't comprehend this and stay the hell away from him? There's no point in talking to him. HE'S A LIAR AND YOU'LL GET NOTHING BUT MORE LIES!!
You need to join our ARGville forum. There's quite a few members there that can talk some sense into you. And boy, you need it!
Hey, I'm glad you're stuck on ARGville. :)
They've had good times but now are on a break
Rachel, 20, from Sydney, asks:
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years, we get along so well and have had so many good time together and when we do fight we always get through it, but recently we just went on a break. He’s only 23 and for the past year he has been working on opening his own bar and I have tried to be supportive in everyway possible.
Recently though it's been a bit tough because the bar just opened and I know that he doesn’t have much time for me, however when we do spend time together it feels like we are worlds apart. His mind is always somewhere else which makes me feel like he doesn’t really want me around. I tried not to let it get to me because I understand how he is just so swamped with his business and that he has a million other thoughts going through his head, but still I can’t help feeling upset and neglected. What makes it trickier is I’m still in uni and I work a lot too and we live on opposite ends of the city, about 45 minutes from each other so although I don’t mind, it’s fair drive and back to drop in and just say hi especially when half the time he doesn’t even acknowledge I’m there or my any of efforts. This has only happened in the last month or so, which is why I’m confused as to what to do.
The other night we had a good talk about it which made me feel a whole lot better because everything that I’d been thinking was right. So the air was cleared, and we decided to go on a break for a bit to give him space while he sorts himself out and gets everything organised. But he also says his feelings for me are gone, he doesn’t know if they are still there and just buried away from being so busy and stressed, and the million thoughts going through his head and lack of sleep or just really gone :(, although he said no matter what he still thinks the world of me.
I love this guy so much! He has worked so hard for this and I want him to do so well, and I just want to be there for him. I’m willing to wait and to make sacrifices to my own life so we can still have a relationship, but I don’t know if he’s better with or without me. I really just want what’s best for him… do you think there is anything I can do or do I just have to wait till he figures it all out?
VictorM's advice:
Rachel, he is over you! Get it? OVER YOU! He doesn't have feelings for you anymore! How more plainly can he make it? You're not getting it and he doesn't have the stomach to say it to your face, so he says he's busy, wants a break, and all other bullshit. But it is bullshit! He simply doesn't want to be with you.
Yes, he thinks highly of you. Yes, he doesn't want to hurt you. Yes, he likes you as a person. But he's done with you as a lover. You two are finished as a couple.
You want what's best for him? Then stop calling and stop coming around. Leave him alone!
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years, we get along so well and have had so many good time together and when we do fight we always get through it, but recently we just went on a break. He’s only 23 and for the past year he has been working on opening his own bar and I have tried to be supportive in everyway possible.
Recently though it's been a bit tough because the bar just opened and I know that he doesn’t have much time for me, however when we do spend time together it feels like we are worlds apart. His mind is always somewhere else which makes me feel like he doesn’t really want me around. I tried not to let it get to me because I understand how he is just so swamped with his business and that he has a million other thoughts going through his head, but still I can’t help feeling upset and neglected. What makes it trickier is I’m still in uni and I work a lot too and we live on opposite ends of the city, about 45 minutes from each other so although I don’t mind, it’s fair drive and back to drop in and just say hi especially when half the time he doesn’t even acknowledge I’m there or my any of efforts. This has only happened in the last month or so, which is why I’m confused as to what to do.
The other night we had a good talk about it which made me feel a whole lot better because everything that I’d been thinking was right. So the air was cleared, and we decided to go on a break for a bit to give him space while he sorts himself out and gets everything organised. But he also says his feelings for me are gone, he doesn’t know if they are still there and just buried away from being so busy and stressed, and the million thoughts going through his head and lack of sleep or just really gone :(, although he said no matter what he still thinks the world of me.
I love this guy so much! He has worked so hard for this and I want him to do so well, and I just want to be there for him. I’m willing to wait and to make sacrifices to my own life so we can still have a relationship, but I don’t know if he’s better with or without me. I really just want what’s best for him… do you think there is anything I can do or do I just have to wait till he figures it all out?
VictorM's advice:
Rachel, he is over you! Get it? OVER YOU! He doesn't have feelings for you anymore! How more plainly can he make it? You're not getting it and he doesn't have the stomach to say it to your face, so he says he's busy, wants a break, and all other bullshit. But it is bullshit! He simply doesn't want to be with you.
Yes, he thinks highly of you. Yes, he doesn't want to hurt you. Yes, he likes you as a person. But he's done with you as a lover. You two are finished as a couple.
You want what's best for him? Then stop calling and stop coming around. Leave him alone!
He seems callous
Crystal Turner, 31, from Mc Coll sc, asks:
I live with a man that is twice my age. I am 31, he is 59. I met him right after I seperated with my ex-husband of 5 years (who was abusive). This 59 year old man recently lost his job. I have always made more money than him but now I pay all the bills. We seldom have sex anymore, he doesn't initiate conversations or affection with me, often I say things about how I feel and he says that I always do that when things aren't going good with finances but I know I am upset about the lack of love here. He often won't talk to me for hours, and watches tv almost constantly. If I mention something about his family coming over unannounced he acts as if I am wrong. My family lives 3 hours away and I don't have many friends here, I basically relocated to be with this man, and left behind all I knew. He seems callous and I don't know what to do about this. I can't move back home because there basically isn't anything there now. I have thought about going to a women's shelter, but didn't want people to think negative of either one of us (we live in a very small town where people are extremely nosy and love to gossip and speculate). I don't know what to do and feel very alone at times. Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Why should you go to a women's shelter? You make more money than he does and you're paying all the bills now anyway. Couldn't you afford to live by yourself? Assuming you can, you are quite capable or living alone. It would do you good to learn to not depend on being with a man.
So people are nosy. So? What's the big deal if they know you're not happy and need to move on? You may be surprised how many people will actually want to help. How many women will sympathize with you because they have been in your shoes. How many new friends you might make.
I think the money and nosy people are just lame excuses because you lack the courage to do it! You're just afraid to be alone. But you're alone already, so what have you got to lose?
I live with a man that is twice my age. I am 31, he is 59. I met him right after I seperated with my ex-husband of 5 years (who was abusive). This 59 year old man recently lost his job. I have always made more money than him but now I pay all the bills. We seldom have sex anymore, he doesn't initiate conversations or affection with me, often I say things about how I feel and he says that I always do that when things aren't going good with finances but I know I am upset about the lack of love here. He often won't talk to me for hours, and watches tv almost constantly. If I mention something about his family coming over unannounced he acts as if I am wrong. My family lives 3 hours away and I don't have many friends here, I basically relocated to be with this man, and left behind all I knew. He seems callous and I don't know what to do about this. I can't move back home because there basically isn't anything there now. I have thought about going to a women's shelter, but didn't want people to think negative of either one of us (we live in a very small town where people are extremely nosy and love to gossip and speculate). I don't know what to do and feel very alone at times. Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Why should you go to a women's shelter? You make more money than he does and you're paying all the bills now anyway. Couldn't you afford to live by yourself? Assuming you can, you are quite capable or living alone. It would do you good to learn to not depend on being with a man.
So people are nosy. So? What's the big deal if they know you're not happy and need to move on? You may be surprised how many people will actually want to help. How many women will sympathize with you because they have been in your shoes. How many new friends you might make.
I think the money and nosy people are just lame excuses because you lack the courage to do it! You're just afraid to be alone. But you're alone already, so what have you got to lose?
The phone talks become useless
Tarah, 14, asks:
Thanks SO much for your help!
I talked to Michael about being good friends with Larissa, but every time I bring it up, he brushes me off and changes the subject. I try to change it back and then he gets angry or becomes quiet.
Recently, most of our phone conversations have been about it, but he won't talk. So soon, the phone talks become useless and not very fun. Because of this, I started to begin to lose interest. I still like him a lot, but I have begun to like another of my guy friends who has been helping me through this. What should I do? Should I keep trying to talk to Michael about Larissa?
VictorM's advice:
Dump Michael. If Larissa is so important to him, it's time you move on. Clearly, in his mind there's more than friendship with her.
Move on to the new guy.
Thanks SO much for your help!
I talked to Michael about being good friends with Larissa, but every time I bring it up, he brushes me off and changes the subject. I try to change it back and then he gets angry or becomes quiet.
Recently, most of our phone conversations have been about it, but he won't talk. So soon, the phone talks become useless and not very fun. Because of this, I started to begin to lose interest. I still like him a lot, but I have begun to like another of my guy friends who has been helping me through this. What should I do? Should I keep trying to talk to Michael about Larissa?
VictorM's advice:
Dump Michael. If Larissa is so important to him, it's time you move on. Clearly, in his mind there's more than friendship with her.
Move on to the new guy.
He's getting too serious for Payton
Payton, 15, asks:
Hey, I'm back! Nice to talk to you again. I really need your help.
I feel like my relationship with my boyfriend is getting too serious. I mean, I'm only 15!!!! I don't want to be too tied down. He already talks about how we'll get married when we're out of college, and he always cancels plans with friends (and I tell him not to but he does) when he thinks we can hang out, but sometimes I can't because my parents are strict. And I feel really bad. I don't want a serious relationship; how do I tell him so without hurting his feelings?
VictorM's advice:
He's being honest about his feelings and plans; it's time you do the same -- tell him how you feel. It takes courage to be honest. It's time for you to be courageous. It's not easy, but you will be relieved once you tell him.
Will he get hurt? Who knows. You're assuming he will, but he may not. He may be saying those things now because that's what he thinks you want to hear. He may very well be relieved that you feel as you do.
Don't worried about his reaction. You owe him the truth even if it stings him a little. You're not responsible for how he responds. If he gets hurt, he does. That's too bad but that's life. It's not like he's going to be scarred for life. It's not too early for him to start learning that not everything in life is going to go his way.
Hey, I'm back! Nice to talk to you again. I really need your help.
I feel like my relationship with my boyfriend is getting too serious. I mean, I'm only 15!!!! I don't want to be too tied down. He already talks about how we'll get married when we're out of college, and he always cancels plans with friends (and I tell him not to but he does) when he thinks we can hang out, but sometimes I can't because my parents are strict. And I feel really bad. I don't want a serious relationship; how do I tell him so without hurting his feelings?
VictorM's advice:
He's being honest about his feelings and plans; it's time you do the same -- tell him how you feel. It takes courage to be honest. It's time for you to be courageous. It's not easy, but you will be relieved once you tell him.
Will he get hurt? Who knows. You're assuming he will, but he may not. He may be saying those things now because that's what he thinks you want to hear. He may very well be relieved that you feel as you do.
Don't worried about his reaction. You owe him the truth even if it stings him a little. You're not responsible for how he responds. If he gets hurt, he does. That's too bad but that's life. It's not like he's going to be scarred for life. It's not too early for him to start learning that not everything in life is going to go his way.
Her best friend tried to kiss her
Lex, 16, from Grafton, asks:
My best friend is a guy and we use to spend everyday together. He tried to kiss me but I didn't kiss him back. I do like him but I was afraid. He hasn't hung out with me since but he calls me. Do you think he likes me still?
VictorM's answer:
Of course he does. His ego might be a little bruised and he might think you're mad at him. But Lex, if you like the guy, kiss him. It's not like your lips are going to explode. If you're not ready to be more than friends, then don't bring up the issue but call him and let him know, without having to say the words, that he's still your best friend. But be aware, he'll probably try again.
My best friend is a guy and we use to spend everyday together. He tried to kiss me but I didn't kiss him back. I do like him but I was afraid. He hasn't hung out with me since but he calls me. Do you think he likes me still?
VictorM's answer:
Of course he does. His ego might be a little bruised and he might think you're mad at him. But Lex, if you like the guy, kiss him. It's not like your lips are going to explode. If you're not ready to be more than friends, then don't bring up the issue but call him and let him know, without having to say the words, that he's still your best friend. But be aware, he'll probably try again.
He started to act like he didn't care about her
sarah, 16, from pennsylvania, asks:
I was going out with this guy for eleven months. He started to act different twords me like he didn't really care about me as much. He would call me one day and be like I love you and I need you in my life then the next day he would tell me that he didn't know if he really loved me. So that confused me. Then 2 weeks after all that he told me that he loved me a lot and he knows that me and him have a future together and he also said I was the best girlfriend he had ever had in his whole life. And a couple days after that we got into a big fight about somthing stupid and now he has a new girlfriend and he refuses to talk to me. It's been three weeks since I have talked to him and I don't know if I should move on or wait to see if he will come back to me. I even wrote him a letter telling how much I loved him and missed him and about how I wanted everything to go back to old times and he hasn't called me and he won't answer any of my phone calls. I'm just soo confused because i love him soo much...
VictorM's advice:
Sarah, for crying out loud, get a clue! The guy is a freaking idiot! You love him so much? No, you're acting like a pathetic little girl who can't recognize a loser when he bites her on the nose.
Right about now you should consider yourself the luckiest girl on the planet because you dodged a bullet. Your life was on a path to misery and now you have a chance to start all over with someone else. Please, learn to take advantage of the wonderful things in life called "red flags about a guy." This one was waving them from a mountain top.
There's nothing to be confused about; your ego is bruised but that's it. Here's medicine for you: He's a jerk and you're damn lucky he's gone. Now drink that and start looking for a new guy in the morning.
I was going out with this guy for eleven months. He started to act different twords me like he didn't really care about me as much. He would call me one day and be like I love you and I need you in my life then the next day he would tell me that he didn't know if he really loved me. So that confused me. Then 2 weeks after all that he told me that he loved me a lot and he knows that me and him have a future together and he also said I was the best girlfriend he had ever had in his whole life. And a couple days after that we got into a big fight about somthing stupid and now he has a new girlfriend and he refuses to talk to me. It's been three weeks since I have talked to him and I don't know if I should move on or wait to see if he will come back to me. I even wrote him a letter telling how much I loved him and missed him and about how I wanted everything to go back to old times and he hasn't called me and he won't answer any of my phone calls. I'm just soo confused because i love him soo much...
VictorM's advice:
Sarah, for crying out loud, get a clue! The guy is a freaking idiot! You love him so much? No, you're acting like a pathetic little girl who can't recognize a loser when he bites her on the nose.
Right about now you should consider yourself the luckiest girl on the planet because you dodged a bullet. Your life was on a path to misery and now you have a chance to start all over with someone else. Please, learn to take advantage of the wonderful things in life called "red flags about a guy." This one was waving them from a mountain top.
There's nothing to be confused about; your ego is bruised but that's it. Here's medicine for you: He's a jerk and you're damn lucky he's gone. Now drink that and start looking for a new guy in the morning.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Guys on the rebound: different than girls?
Katherine, 34, from NC, asks:
Maybe this is too broad of a question, but in general, do you think a guy being on the rebound is different than a girl? Last year I broke up with someone I'd been with for over a decade and I did some crazy stuff and am just now OK again. Now I've got this guy pursuing me (my neighbor, aack!) and he's interesting but is going through a divorce! I see red flags everywhere. I told him to slow down and be careful, he's crazy right now...but I'm not sure he understands. Or, maybe guys don't do the crazy rebound stuff, they can just go from girl to girl?
VictorM's advice:
It's not a general statement, the actions may differ but guys go thought the same emotional roller coaster that girls do.
Basically, people rebounding from a relationship, particularly a long time one, are like boxers who get punched and fall, their first reaction is to jump their feet and say "I'm OK!" In the aftermath of long term relationships, we all want to prove we're OK (even if we're not) by doing lots of crazy stuff. Some guys will do the girl to girl thing. Or the very young girl thing. Some will get a fancy car (man, I loved that BMW), or a motor bike, or do whatever their ex wanted them to do but they never did. A lot will depend on what will impress their ex, their buddies, or their family the most.
You are probably right -- you are the target of his crazy phase.
Maybe this is too broad of a question, but in general, do you think a guy being on the rebound is different than a girl? Last year I broke up with someone I'd been with for over a decade and I did some crazy stuff and am just now OK again. Now I've got this guy pursuing me (my neighbor, aack!) and he's interesting but is going through a divorce! I see red flags everywhere. I told him to slow down and be careful, he's crazy right now...but I'm not sure he understands. Or, maybe guys don't do the crazy rebound stuff, they can just go from girl to girl?
VictorM's advice:
It's not a general statement, the actions may differ but guys go thought the same emotional roller coaster that girls do.
Basically, people rebounding from a relationship, particularly a long time one, are like boxers who get punched and fall, their first reaction is to jump their feet and say "I'm OK!" In the aftermath of long term relationships, we all want to prove we're OK (even if we're not) by doing lots of crazy stuff. Some guys will do the girl to girl thing. Or the very young girl thing. Some will get a fancy car (man, I loved that BMW), or a motor bike, or do whatever their ex wanted them to do but they never did. A lot will depend on what will impress their ex, their buddies, or their family the most.
You are probably right -- you are the target of his crazy phase.
New guy in the office flirts with her
Paulina, 27, from Los Angeles, asks:
A new guy in our office flirts with me ALL the time and ONLY me, even though there are lots of single women in the office. Makes me wonder because I never flirt back and told him I'm not interested in him. He has a pregnant girlfriend whom he said he loves and misses so much (she's living abroad). Why does he keep doing it?
VictorM's advice:
You mean besides the obvious, that he's a jerk? Boredom. Flirting with a pretty girl makes the work day go by quicker. In some cases, your reaction would have discouraged a normal guy, but with a jerk, you might have made yourself a bigger challenge.
If his flirting is annoying, let him know you will report him to personnel unless he stops. Then, let a couple of coworkers know and be on the look out. Having witnesses to back you up will make things easier if need be. Write down every case of flirting: what time, where, who was around, what he did/said. Documentation is your best friend in cases like this.
A new guy in our office flirts with me ALL the time and ONLY me, even though there are lots of single women in the office. Makes me wonder because I never flirt back and told him I'm not interested in him. He has a pregnant girlfriend whom he said he loves and misses so much (she's living abroad). Why does he keep doing it?
VictorM's advice:
You mean besides the obvious, that he's a jerk? Boredom. Flirting with a pretty girl makes the work day go by quicker. In some cases, your reaction would have discouraged a normal guy, but with a jerk, you might have made yourself a bigger challenge.
If his flirting is annoying, let him know you will report him to personnel unless he stops. Then, let a couple of coworkers know and be on the look out. Having witnesses to back you up will make things easier if need be. Write down every case of flirting: what time, where, who was around, what he did/said. Documentation is your best friend in cases like this.
Her boyfriend says she's too moody
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
My boyfriend of 2 years has suddenly asked for 'space'. He says I'm too moody and he loves me and doesn't want to break up but he can't go on like this his whole life with my constant moods. He asked if I can change and I said 'no, this is me, I am the way I am' but to be honest I'm not particularly that moody, not anymore than the average girl :) So he said he'd call me at the weekend and now I'm just supoosed to wait? Hows that fair?
VictorM's advice:
Well, who said life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair.*
"Too moody" or even "moody" is a subjective view. If he thinks you are, you are (in his mind). But the whole request for space is bullshit. No reasonable person thinks you're going to be less moody just because he got some space from you.
Regardless what he says IF he even bothers to call, consider your relationship over unless you want to dwell on the slow torture process associated with a guy not having the nerve to tell you what he really thinks.
* If you don't know what movie that is from, you don't deserve to live.
My boyfriend of 2 years has suddenly asked for 'space'. He says I'm too moody and he loves me and doesn't want to break up but he can't go on like this his whole life with my constant moods. He asked if I can change and I said 'no, this is me, I am the way I am' but to be honest I'm not particularly that moody, not anymore than the average girl :) So he said he'd call me at the weekend and now I'm just supoosed to wait? Hows that fair?
VictorM's advice:
Well, who said life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair.*
"Too moody" or even "moody" is a subjective view. If he thinks you are, you are (in his mind). But the whole request for space is bullshit. No reasonable person thinks you're going to be less moody just because he got some space from you.
Regardless what he says IF he even bothers to call, consider your relationship over unless you want to dwell on the slow torture process associated with a guy not having the nerve to tell you what he really thinks.
* If you don't know what movie that is from, you don't deserve to live.
Is he in love for real or is it a prank?
Lauren, 15, asks:
How do you know if a boy loves you for real and that it's not a joke or a dare someone gave him or a game?
VictorM's answer:
You can never be sure but if you're not sure or have the slightest suspicion, don't believe him and play it cool. Play hard to get and let him chase you. The burden of proof rest with him.
How do you know if a boy loves you for real and that it's not a joke or a dare someone gave him or a game?
VictorM's answer:
You can never be sure but if you're not sure or have the slightest suspicion, don't believe him and play it cool. Play hard to get and let him chase you. The burden of proof rest with him.
She just had a baby but wants out of the relationship
Jasmine, 21, from akron, oh asks:
I've been in a relationship with this guy for going on six years. We just had a baby together 5 months ago. I want to get out of the relationship but he doesn't want to. He wants to get a place together and be "a family". He is witholding sex until I go along with moving in with him. At times he gets abusive cause he thinks I'm disrespecting him by saying how I feel with raised voice. And pretty much treats me like a doormat. Whenever I do want to leave he makes me feel guilty by saying that I'm walking out on him and our daughter. When we first started dating he wasn't like this. I am so fed up it hurts. What should I do??
VictorM's advice:
If you're planning to leave without your daughter, as your question seems to indicate, then you are walking out on him and your daughter. That's a fact. It may be what you need to do if you can't handle being there and you feel he can provide for her better than you can on your own. As long as you're doing it for the right reasons, you only need to worry about your conscience, not his words.
However, in case I misunderstood you and you will be taking your daughter I say if you have a place to stay, a job, and enough money to get you by, leave without any further discussion, but if you don't have those resources ready you should stay until you can save enough and make the appropriate arrangements.
Either way, saying that you're going to leave and then staying is a big mistake. Either stay and try to work things out or stop the threats and just leave. Empty threats just make you look weak and the abuse escalate.
I've been in a relationship with this guy for going on six years. We just had a baby together 5 months ago. I want to get out of the relationship but he doesn't want to. He wants to get a place together and be "a family". He is witholding sex until I go along with moving in with him. At times he gets abusive cause he thinks I'm disrespecting him by saying how I feel with raised voice. And pretty much treats me like a doormat. Whenever I do want to leave he makes me feel guilty by saying that I'm walking out on him and our daughter. When we first started dating he wasn't like this. I am so fed up it hurts. What should I do??
VictorM's advice:
If you're planning to leave without your daughter, as your question seems to indicate, then you are walking out on him and your daughter. That's a fact. It may be what you need to do if you can't handle being there and you feel he can provide for her better than you can on your own. As long as you're doing it for the right reasons, you only need to worry about your conscience, not his words.
However, in case I misunderstood you and you will be taking your daughter I say if you have a place to stay, a job, and enough money to get you by, leave without any further discussion, but if you don't have those resources ready you should stay until you can save enough and make the appropriate arrangements.
Either way, saying that you're going to leave and then staying is a big mistake. Either stay and try to work things out or stop the threats and just leave. Empty threats just make you look weak and the abuse escalate.
Was away for the weekend
Hi all,
I was away for the weekend and didn't have a chance to answer your questions. I hope to start answering them tonight after work.
And for those following the Walnut saga, Walnut had a baby girl! Congratulations Walnut (I'll get to your question later).
I was away for the weekend and didn't have a chance to answer your questions. I hope to start answering them tonight after work.
And for those following the Walnut saga, Walnut had a baby girl! Congratulations Walnut (I'll get to your question later).
Friday, August 10, 2007
She looked through her boyfriend's phone
lisa, 30, from lynchbug, asks:
I looked through my boyfriend's phone and now he doesn't want to talk to me and says that he doesn't want a committed relationship. He said I violated him. We've been together for 18 months.
VictorM's advice:
OK, maybe your snooping around wasn't so nice but your boyfriend is acting like a guilty of something jerk. "Violated him"...sheesh... if he used those exact words he's an asshole.
I can understand him being upset at your lack of trust (I'm sure you didn't look through it just for entertainment) but this is something you two should have been able to talk about and resolve. Having boundaries is one of the things that people in a relationship should be able to agree upon.
I looked through my boyfriend's phone and now he doesn't want to talk to me and says that he doesn't want a committed relationship. He said I violated him. We've been together for 18 months.
VictorM's advice:
OK, maybe your snooping around wasn't so nice but your boyfriend is acting like a guilty of something jerk. "Violated him"...sheesh... if he used those exact words he's an asshole.
I can understand him being upset at your lack of trust (I'm sure you didn't look through it just for entertainment) but this is something you two should have been able to talk about and resolve. Having boundaries is one of the things that people in a relationship should be able to agree upon.
She's only seen him 5 times
Danielle, 22, from Louisiana, asks:
I've been dating this guy for a month now and I've only seen him about 5 times, but we talk on the phone daily so I want to know how to tell if he really likes me. Should I base it on physical time spent together or how often we talk?
VictorM's advice:
He talks on the phone with you daily? He likes you!
I've been dating this guy for a month now and I've only seen him about 5 times, but we talk on the phone daily so I want to know how to tell if he really likes me. Should I base it on physical time spent together or how often we talk?
VictorM's advice:
He talks on the phone with you daily? He likes you!
David is a really sweet guy
courtney, 25, from Texas, asks:
My best friend David is a really sweet guy. But unfortunately he has been making some bad decisions with relationships. He was seeing a married woman for a while and the entire relationship has destroyed him emotionially and spiritually. I know just about everything that has to do with this relationship because he has told me about. He is always asking for advice. I have told him what he needs to hear and yet he still doesn't listen. Well over all of this we have become extremly close. I am starting to like him even after he has done this. Is there any way that something might happen with us?
VictorM's advice:
Yes.
My best friend David is a really sweet guy. But unfortunately he has been making some bad decisions with relationships. He was seeing a married woman for a while and the entire relationship has destroyed him emotionially and spiritually. I know just about everything that has to do with this relationship because he has told me about. He is always asking for advice. I have told him what he needs to hear and yet he still doesn't listen. Well over all of this we have become extremly close. I am starting to like him even after he has done this. Is there any way that something might happen with us?
VictorM's advice:
Yes.
He has a check list about what he wants in a wife
Camilla, 31, from New Zealand, asks:
My boyfriend and I have dated for about 10 months (had a 6 week break very early on as he had unresolved issues with his ex-girlfriend). Since we got back together the 2nd time around, we have grown very close and know each other really well. He told me last week that he had this check list about what he wanted in a wife and that I had all those qualities and more. That he couldn't imagine anybody more perfect. He said that he wanted to be with me... but had doubts as to whether he should be. He's a serial monogamist --> dates girls for 3-5 years and has never been able to make that final commitment. He's afraid he's repeating the same pattern, he said he always thought the reason things hadn't worked out with these girls was because they didn't meet his check list. I meet all the criteria, and yet he has doubts. He said he needed a holiday and asked me if I wanted to go knowing he had doubts about us... Needless to say I declined his invitation, and pretty much said to him that if he didn't know after 8 months of dating solidly whether he should be with me or not... that we should reconsider our relationship. He said that the reason he broke up with his last long term girlfriend was to be single and work himself out on his own... He feels he needs to be single before he can make that final commitment but because things with me were so easy, he'd push those thoughts out of his mind. I know he loves me.. but maybe he doesn't love me enough. My question is though: Could there be a possible future with him if he works himself out? Or should I just count my loses and move on?
VictorM's advice:
Some people just don't have the endurance to be with only one person. If you look at divorce statistics, that seems to be the majority of people. If you add those that never get married, the number is even larger. The "soulmate" for life is a mostly a myth of romance novels.
Loving someone and dedicating yourself to that person is a big risk. You can lose him at anytime to death, a younger model, boredom, or just falling out of love. If you want a guarantee you buy a TV set or a car, you don't fall in love.
It's possible you will be just another 3 to 5 year affair to him. But you never know, and neither does he. So tell him to shove his check list up his ass, to relax and enjoy the moment, and love him the best way you know how and encourage him to love you the best way he can today because tomorrow...who knows! You could be the one changing your mind.
Giving up being with someone you love and who loves you back today because you seek a perfect guarantee for tomorrow is wasting away the best years of your life. Remove the need for him to commit today; it may be the best way to have him commit for life (or however long it lasts). Just take it one day at a time.
My boyfriend and I have dated for about 10 months (had a 6 week break very early on as he had unresolved issues with his ex-girlfriend). Since we got back together the 2nd time around, we have grown very close and know each other really well. He told me last week that he had this check list about what he wanted in a wife and that I had all those qualities and more. That he couldn't imagine anybody more perfect. He said that he wanted to be with me... but had doubts as to whether he should be. He's a serial monogamist --> dates girls for 3-5 years and has never been able to make that final commitment. He's afraid he's repeating the same pattern, he said he always thought the reason things hadn't worked out with these girls was because they didn't meet his check list. I meet all the criteria, and yet he has doubts. He said he needed a holiday and asked me if I wanted to go knowing he had doubts about us... Needless to say I declined his invitation, and pretty much said to him that if he didn't know after 8 months of dating solidly whether he should be with me or not... that we should reconsider our relationship. He said that the reason he broke up with his last long term girlfriend was to be single and work himself out on his own... He feels he needs to be single before he can make that final commitment but because things with me were so easy, he'd push those thoughts out of his mind. I know he loves me.. but maybe he doesn't love me enough. My question is though: Could there be a possible future with him if he works himself out? Or should I just count my loses and move on?
VictorM's advice:
Some people just don't have the endurance to be with only one person. If you look at divorce statistics, that seems to be the majority of people. If you add those that never get married, the number is even larger. The "soulmate" for life is a mostly a myth of romance novels.
Loving someone and dedicating yourself to that person is a big risk. You can lose him at anytime to death, a younger model, boredom, or just falling out of love. If you want a guarantee you buy a TV set or a car, you don't fall in love.
It's possible you will be just another 3 to 5 year affair to him. But you never know, and neither does he. So tell him to shove his check list up his ass, to relax and enjoy the moment, and love him the best way you know how and encourage him to love you the best way he can today because tomorrow...who knows! You could be the one changing your mind.
Giving up being with someone you love and who loves you back today because you seek a perfect guarantee for tomorrow is wasting away the best years of your life. Remove the need for him to commit today; it may be the best way to have him commit for life (or however long it lasts). Just take it one day at a time.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Online friend who has a girlfriend
Laura, 22, from usa, asks:
Hi Victor, usually I use my own brain to sort things out, but this time I thought, why not listen from a guy's perspective... so here i am~! hehe
You see, I've known this online friend, who has a girlfriend, we're kinda good/close friends... our way of communicating is limited to emailing as we live far away from each other. Never met.
Recently, I realized he's interested in me..by the signs he gave..like, spelled my name differently, instant email reply, offered help... informing me that he doesn't go out much during the weekends... I just got the feeling that he likes me. I may be wrong, though.
.. and now we planned to use skype to talk to each other..
My question, Victor, what does phone calls mean to most guys? The (offline) guys that called me in the past all had "beyond friendship" intention..
Another question I have for you, is, is it wrong to be close to a guy who has a girlfriend?
thanks, Victor!
Laura
VictorM's advice:
Let's start with your last question. Let's say you have a boyfriend and he has an online friend like you. How would you feel? You can answer your own question.
I have no idea what his intentions are but just because he enjoys emailing with you doesn't mean he's into you. But if you want to find out more about his intentions ask him if his girlfriend (if he even has one) knows about your Skype plans and tell him you'd like to talk to her. Has he told her about you? Let's see how he handles these questions.
Hi Victor, usually I use my own brain to sort things out, but this time I thought, why not listen from a guy's perspective... so here i am~! hehe
You see, I've known this online friend, who has a girlfriend, we're kinda good/close friends... our way of communicating is limited to emailing as we live far away from each other. Never met.
Recently, I realized he's interested in me..by the signs he gave..like, spelled my name differently, instant email reply, offered help... informing me that he doesn't go out much during the weekends... I just got the feeling that he likes me. I may be wrong, though.
.. and now we planned to use skype to talk to each other..
My question, Victor, what does phone calls mean to most guys? The (offline) guys that called me in the past all had "beyond friendship" intention..
Another question I have for you, is, is it wrong to be close to a guy who has a girlfriend?
thanks, Victor!
Laura
VictorM's advice:
Let's start with your last question. Let's say you have a boyfriend and he has an online friend like you. How would you feel? You can answer your own question.
I have no idea what his intentions are but just because he enjoys emailing with you doesn't mean he's into you. But if you want to find out more about his intentions ask him if his girlfriend (if he even has one) knows about your Skype plans and tell him you'd like to talk to her. Has he told her about you? Let's see how he handles these questions.
Max knows! Oh no!!
Gema, 13, from New Zealand, asks:
I'm bbbbbaaaaaacccckkkk
help max found out I like him WHAT SHOULD I DOOOOO???????????????????
VictorM's advice:
Nice to have you back Gema. I missed your deep questions. :-p
You're gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while you won't have to remind yourself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, you won't have to think about howyou had it great and perfect for a while Max knows you like him. (Yes, I'm quoting a movie*)
OK, one of two options are likely. One, Max is going to start acting like a jerk, you're going to get annoyed and soon enough, you'll find another boy to like. Or two, Max will recognize that the coolest girl in all on New Zealand likes him, come to you, get on one knee and ask you to marry him. Then a year from now you'll be pregnant, he's going to work odd jobs, and in time you'll move out of your parent's spare room with your 3 children. Um... the first option is sounding much better, isn't it?
* the movie is Sleepless in Seattle
I'm bbbbbaaaaaacccckkkk
help max found out I like him WHAT SHOULD I DOOOOO???????????????????
VictorM's advice:
Nice to have you back Gema. I missed your deep questions. :-p
You're gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while you won't have to remind yourself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, you won't have to think about how
OK, one of two options are likely. One, Max is going to start acting like a jerk, you're going to get annoyed and soon enough, you'll find another boy to like. Or two, Max will recognize that the coolest girl in all on New Zealand likes him, come to you, get on one knee and ask you to marry him. Then a year from now you'll be pregnant, he's going to work odd jobs, and in time you'll move out of your parent's spare room with your 3 children. Um... the first option is sounding much better, isn't it?
* the movie is Sleepless in Seattle
She ended up getting pregnant
kathie, 21, from lloydminster alberta, asks:
Yes, I was wondering if this guy likes me. About 2 years ago I met him. We had a fling together and I ended up getting pregnant. He wanted me to come to Quebec with him. I said no cause I had a daughter to raise. I finally told him after 2 years that the baby I had was his. He came to visit us, it was fun. He kept bumping into me and he threw me in the pool. He kept on hugging me. The worst thing about it is he has a girlfriend in Quebec waiting for him. And he's going to move back to be with his daughter.
VictorM's advice:
It's really hard to say. I wouldn't rule out that he may have feelings for you -- after all, earlier on he wanted you to move with him -- but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion now.
It's admirable that he wants to be close to his daughter, and there's no doubt that he would like to be in good terms with you. He may just like you as a person, have fun with you, and have warm feelings for the mother of his child, but none of it means he's in love with you.
Until he breaks-up with his girlfriend stick with friendship and sharing a daughter.
Yes, I was wondering if this guy likes me. About 2 years ago I met him. We had a fling together and I ended up getting pregnant. He wanted me to come to Quebec with him. I said no cause I had a daughter to raise. I finally told him after 2 years that the baby I had was his. He came to visit us, it was fun. He kept bumping into me and he threw me in the pool. He kept on hugging me. The worst thing about it is he has a girlfriend in Quebec waiting for him. And he's going to move back to be with his daughter.
VictorM's advice:
It's really hard to say. I wouldn't rule out that he may have feelings for you -- after all, earlier on he wanted you to move with him -- but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion now.
It's admirable that he wants to be close to his daughter, and there's no doubt that he would like to be in good terms with you. He may just like you as a person, have fun with you, and have warm feelings for the mother of his child, but none of it means he's in love with you.
Until he breaks-up with his girlfriend stick with friendship and sharing a daughter.
She wonders why he doesn't tell her much
Tasha, 15, from Oxford, asks:
What do guys want their girlfriend's to do for them? Something nice. What do guys want for their birthday? 1 or 2 month or 1 year anniversary?
What if he doesn't talk much and doesn't tell you about his past or family much to you even though you'er his girlfriend, why doesn't he tell you much? Because if he's like that it doesn't make me feel like I want to tell him anything, because he's not telling me much, like who's he chatting with, he'll just say someone, so then I would say someone as well, but I want him to tell me. We have this thing about honesty, but this doesn't sound honest. Sometimes we have boring conversations and have nothing to say he'll just ignore me. Plus he's not a very nice boyfriend, but I love him, just a bit confuse, what should I do with him?
VictorM's advice:
Guys are not very demanding at all when it comes to gifts and such. But please, don't give him what you would like to receive, try to find out what he likes and give him something he would like. If he likes video games, give him one. If he wants a Beckham jersey -- and who doesn't these days -- give him that. If you're paying attention to him, you'll know what to give him.
Guys don't talk much, specially about feelings and family. Don't take it personally. But you have to start paying attention to things that could be a bigger problem. When he says he's talking to "someone", it probably means someone he knows you'd not be pleased. There's a difference between not being able to talk about himself -- a description that fits most guys -- and being deceitful. Learn to tell the difference.
You know, not nice boyfriends, specially those that don't even try, should be dumped.
Don't go about making too many excuses for him or expecting miraculous changes. Yeah, you may "love" him but sometimes the person we love is the wrong person for us.
What do guys want their girlfriend's to do for them? Something nice. What do guys want for their birthday? 1 or 2 month or 1 year anniversary?
What if he doesn't talk much and doesn't tell you about his past or family much to you even though you'er his girlfriend, why doesn't he tell you much? Because if he's like that it doesn't make me feel like I want to tell him anything, because he's not telling me much, like who's he chatting with, he'll just say someone, so then I would say someone as well, but I want him to tell me. We have this thing about honesty, but this doesn't sound honest. Sometimes we have boring conversations and have nothing to say he'll just ignore me. Plus he's not a very nice boyfriend, but I love him, just a bit confuse, what should I do with him?
VictorM's advice:
Guys are not very demanding at all when it comes to gifts and such. But please, don't give him what you would like to receive, try to find out what he likes and give him something he would like. If he likes video games, give him one. If he wants a Beckham jersey -- and who doesn't these days -- give him that. If you're paying attention to him, you'll know what to give him.
Guys don't talk much, specially about feelings and family. Don't take it personally. But you have to start paying attention to things that could be a bigger problem. When he says he's talking to "someone", it probably means someone he knows you'd not be pleased. There's a difference between not being able to talk about himself -- a description that fits most guys -- and being deceitful. Learn to tell the difference.
You know, not nice boyfriends, specially those that don't even try, should be dumped.
Don't go about making too many excuses for him or expecting miraculous changes. Yeah, you may "love" him but sometimes the person we love is the wrong person for us.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Boys and kissing
Carrie, 14, asks:
What do guys/boys think about kissing? If a girl wants to kiss them badly, would he think she's a bitch? Why when they first kiss, he doesn't kiss her anymore? Why? Is it because he's shy or he just doesn't want to kiss her?
VictorM's advice:
Kissing is all new for boys around your age. They don't quite know what to do. It's nerve wrecking, actually. A boy worries about how and when to kiss. Should he just kiss and nothing more? Should he reach for your boobs? Why are his underpants getting sticky? Oh man... all of sudden video games are so much easier! See what I mean? And yes, shyness could be part of the reason too.
I don't know where you got the connection between kissing and being a bitch. That makes no sense. Most boys will be fine with a girl wanting to kiss them unless they don't like her.
Trust me... as boys get older, their thoughts about kissing changes.
What do guys/boys think about kissing? If a girl wants to kiss them badly, would he think she's a bitch? Why when they first kiss, he doesn't kiss her anymore? Why? Is it because he's shy or he just doesn't want to kiss her?
VictorM's advice:
Kissing is all new for boys around your age. They don't quite know what to do. It's nerve wrecking, actually. A boy worries about how and when to kiss. Should he just kiss and nothing more? Should he reach for your boobs? Why are his underpants getting sticky? Oh man... all of sudden video games are so much easier! See what I mean? And yes, shyness could be part of the reason too.
I don't know where you got the connection between kissing and being a bitch. That makes no sense. Most boys will be fine with a girl wanting to kiss them unless they don't like her.
Trust me... as boys get older, their thoughts about kissing changes.
She feels he hardly notices her anymore
karen, 22, from ireland, asks:
I've recently moved in with my boyfriend of 6 years, while waiting to build our house together. The thing is that I really don't know if he still wants to be with me. He says he does but I feel like he hardly notices me at all anymore. We have had a rough 3 years as my dad committed suicide and because of this I know I've changed and had to grow up a lot, and take on more responsibility and it also affected the way I felt about sex. To put it mildly it was the last thing on my mind. Now however, I feel ready to get things back to the way things were. But I am coming across a problem in that he doesn't seem interested. I can deal with this but when we went to discuss it he just said that he had no drive. No reasons given. I can't help feeling that he doesn't fancy me anymore, it's like he sees straight through me. I even said this to him and he did admit that at times he doesn't notice me. This has really knocked my confidence (which was low enough already) I adore him and love him and don't want to lose him but I don't know what to do. I would love to feel special to him and to help him deal with whatever is wrong, even if that means he doesn't want to be with me anymore- anything to make him happy. I just don't even know where to start considering he finds it very hard to talk to me about his feelings. Any help would be much appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
Guys aren't very good at expressing their feelings. We all know this already. So stop expecting it and stop making an issue about it. Now, I offer you these three words:
Patience. You were not into sex for a while. Now you are. But he can't turn his desire on and off like a light switch. Be patient. Don't expect too much too soon. But don't give up either. Guys are like cars: some go from 0 to 60 in no time, some take a while to get there.
Change. You are invisible to him. Time to change that. Buy different clothing. Usually cover your chest? Buy something low cut. Usually have loose clothing? Buy tighter fitting. Switch colors. Die your hair. Use more (or less) makeup... change how you look. Usually don't paint your nails? Start doing it now. You do but always wear the same color? Change the color. Shave in places you haven't shaved before (I know, easy for me to say -- but you don't have to do all I'm suggesting, only what you feel comfortable doing). Make him curious and he'll notice you.
Flirt. Start small (and stop talking about sex). Give him more fly-by kisses, more hugs, more light touches, more flirty looks, wear more skirts with slits, show more skin around him, wear sexier under garments. Set the bait but let him chase you. And don't look your sexy best just when you are with him; do it when you go out alone to the mall or even grocery shopping. If you feel sexy, he will pick up the signals. But don't flirt with other guys. Flirt with him and make him wonder why you look so good when you go out.
I've recently moved in with my boyfriend of 6 years, while waiting to build our house together. The thing is that I really don't know if he still wants to be with me. He says he does but I feel like he hardly notices me at all anymore. We have had a rough 3 years as my dad committed suicide and because of this I know I've changed and had to grow up a lot, and take on more responsibility and it also affected the way I felt about sex. To put it mildly it was the last thing on my mind. Now however, I feel ready to get things back to the way things were. But I am coming across a problem in that he doesn't seem interested. I can deal with this but when we went to discuss it he just said that he had no drive. No reasons given. I can't help feeling that he doesn't fancy me anymore, it's like he sees straight through me. I even said this to him and he did admit that at times he doesn't notice me. This has really knocked my confidence (which was low enough already) I adore him and love him and don't want to lose him but I don't know what to do. I would love to feel special to him and to help him deal with whatever is wrong, even if that means he doesn't want to be with me anymore- anything to make him happy. I just don't even know where to start considering he finds it very hard to talk to me about his feelings. Any help would be much appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
Guys aren't very good at expressing their feelings. We all know this already. So stop expecting it and stop making an issue about it. Now, I offer you these three words:
Patience. You were not into sex for a while. Now you are. But he can't turn his desire on and off like a light switch. Be patient. Don't expect too much too soon. But don't give up either. Guys are like cars: some go from 0 to 60 in no time, some take a while to get there.
Change. You are invisible to him. Time to change that. Buy different clothing. Usually cover your chest? Buy something low cut. Usually have loose clothing? Buy tighter fitting. Switch colors. Die your hair. Use more (or less) makeup... change how you look. Usually don't paint your nails? Start doing it now. You do but always wear the same color? Change the color. Shave in places you haven't shaved before (I know, easy for me to say -- but you don't have to do all I'm suggesting, only what you feel comfortable doing). Make him curious and he'll notice you.
Flirt. Start small (and stop talking about sex). Give him more fly-by kisses, more hugs, more light touches, more flirty looks, wear more skirts with slits, show more skin around him, wear sexier under garments. Set the bait but let him chase you. And don't look your sexy best just when you are with him; do it when you go out alone to the mall or even grocery shopping. If you feel sexy, he will pick up the signals. But don't flirt with other guys. Flirt with him and make him wonder why you look so good when you go out.
Because she's pretty
Kina, 25, from Chicago, IL, asks:
What the heck does this mean (been going out for about a month and a half)...
Me: I like you... Do you like me (playfully)
Him: Yes
Me: Why?
Him: Ummm...
Me: because I'm pretty
Him: Yeah, for now...
Sounds funny, but why does this guy keep asking me out so much if it's just because I'm pretty... I let this one go, but it's the only reason I've gotten from him even when we're not kidding around. So, am I setting myself up to get hurt if that's all he likes me for after a month and a half?
VictorM's advice:
Stop asking! It's a dumb question, one that most guys have a hard time answering. A more complete answer would only reflect his ability to makeup words; it would not be a reflection of his feelings.
Stop asking silly questions. He likes you. It's an inner energy. He can't explain it. For now. You leave him speechless. ;)
Stop looking for trouble and start working to be his muse.
What the heck does this mean (been going out for about a month and a half)...
Me: I like you... Do you like me (playfully)
Him: Yes
Me: Why?
Him: Ummm...
Me: because I'm pretty
Him: Yeah, for now...
Sounds funny, but why does this guy keep asking me out so much if it's just because I'm pretty... I let this one go, but it's the only reason I've gotten from him even when we're not kidding around. So, am I setting myself up to get hurt if that's all he likes me for after a month and a half?
VictorM's advice:
Stop asking! It's a dumb question, one that most guys have a hard time answering. A more complete answer would only reflect his ability to makeup words; it would not be a reflection of his feelings.
Stop asking silly questions. He likes you. It's an inner energy. He can't explain it. For now. You leave him speechless. ;)
Stop looking for trouble and start working to be his muse.
She saw of picture of him kissing another girl
tara, 19, from norwich, asks:
Hi, I spoke to you once before and told you about a guy who came over mine before I left for uni and wasn't making any contact. I saw on facebook (dangerous, that facebook), a picture of him kissing another girl and as a joke after him indirectly asking if he'll come over mine again- I mentioned that. His response was- girls just come up to me, I'm just there to have a good time with my mates...very cocky and he says he cant help it. I got all girly and annoyed. I asked what he thought of me-his repsonse- a great girl to get along with, great lips, great tongue- and said he expected to kiss me but the extra fondling, referred to as "sleeping" and lieing in the same bed was an "added bonus". Unfortunately I told him i felt like a twat. Then he said "it's not sounding great is it..but it was great "sleepin" with you" and that it was more than nothing. But his actions after that day didn't follow up at all. I know he's bad news and a manwhore. Basically what's your advice now for me...leave alone, and i dont want him having the satisfaction on knwoing he had some impact on me. Prob childish-but want him to realise what he's missed out on! Im back in the same place as him in 1 month.Feeling bit vengeful here too!
PS. this is the guy that made them noises if ya dont remember too well. Thanks very much!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Oh, Tara, please grow-up! He enjoyed you physically but has no feelings for you. It's not a crime. You can't force a guy to like you just because you had sex with him.
He's missing out on nothing because he's not into you. Paying him any importance will just be setting yourself up for more disappointment. Besides, if you seek some sort of the revenge you just show that he had an impact on you, which is contrary to what you want him to perceive. Look, he's not into you. Just deal with it and try to ignore him.
OK... I can't resist saying this: If you really want some revenge, offer to do his English homework. :-p
Hi, I spoke to you once before and told you about a guy who came over mine before I left for uni and wasn't making any contact. I saw on facebook (dangerous, that facebook), a picture of him kissing another girl and as a joke after him indirectly asking if he'll come over mine again- I mentioned that. His response was- girls just come up to me, I'm just there to have a good time with my mates...very cocky and he says he cant help it. I got all girly and annoyed. I asked what he thought of me-his repsonse- a great girl to get along with, great lips, great tongue- and said he expected to kiss me but the extra fondling, referred to as "sleeping" and lieing in the same bed was an "added bonus". Unfortunately I told him i felt like a twat. Then he said "it's not sounding great is it..but it was great "sleepin" with you" and that it was more than nothing. But his actions after that day didn't follow up at all. I know he's bad news and a manwhore. Basically what's your advice now for me...leave alone, and i dont want him having the satisfaction on knwoing he had some impact on me. Prob childish-but want him to realise what he's missed out on! Im back in the same place as him in 1 month.Feeling bit vengeful here too!
PS. this is the guy that made them noises if ya dont remember too well. Thanks very much!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Oh, Tara, please grow-up! He enjoyed you physically but has no feelings for you. It's not a crime. You can't force a guy to like you just because you had sex with him.
He's missing out on nothing because he's not into you. Paying him any importance will just be setting yourself up for more disappointment. Besides, if you seek some sort of the revenge you just show that he had an impact on you, which is contrary to what you want him to perceive. Look, he's not into you. Just deal with it and try to ignore him.
OK... I can't resist saying this: If you really want some revenge, offer to do his English homework. :-p
Attainable
Bec, 17, from Australia, asks:
A guy I've known for a few months called a close friend of mine attainable. He said he only did this to stop a mutual friend preasuring him into asking me out. I wanted to know what attainable means to guys and whether I should forgive him or not.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe you're speaking a weird form of Aussie, but I have no idea what you're asking. But whatever it is, yes, forgive him. :-/
A guy I've known for a few months called a close friend of mine attainable. He said he only did this to stop a mutual friend preasuring him into asking me out. I wanted to know what attainable means to guys and whether I should forgive him or not.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe you're speaking a weird form of Aussie, but I have no idea what you're asking. But whatever it is, yes, forgive him. :-/
Summer job flirtation
Fleur, 28, from Glasgow, asks:
I've got a summer job and met a guy who I thought I had a connection with, we flirted a lot together over the past 2 weeks but he's suddenly gone cold on me. He said in a joking way that he was thinking about trading in his girfriend but today he has treated me as normal and been distant- what have I done wrong? I'm confused.
VictorM's advice:
You did nothing wrong. The novelty wore off, that's all.
I've got a summer job and met a guy who I thought I had a connection with, we flirted a lot together over the past 2 weeks but he's suddenly gone cold on me. He said in a joking way that he was thinking about trading in his girfriend but today he has treated me as normal and been distant- what have I done wrong? I'm confused.
VictorM's advice:
You did nothing wrong. The novelty wore off, that's all.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Her boyfriend suddenly broke up with her
Tai, 29, from California, asks:
My boyfriend suddenly broke up with me. He said it was because we are 2 different people and he doesn't love me that way anymore. Yet he says he still cares for me and would not be happy if I was with someone else. I did however find out he's been communicating with his ex who lives in another state and is married. He say's there's nothing going on with her, but he's been lying to me about it. The other problem is that we live together and have to for 5 more months due to our lease. A couple of questions, do you think he has something going on with his ex? Do you think I can get him back? How are we going to live together and me be able to get over him?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if something is going on with his ex. But what difference does that make? It shouldn't. You're only asking because you are failing to grasp what really is going on: he's not into you anymore! Forget the ex! He's over YOU.
I doubt you can get him back. He's outgrown you. There's not much you can do about that. You can tell him to go fuck himself and make yourself scarce. If that makes him seem more interested in you -- it probably will -- it'll be just temporary. Don't make the mistake of thinking you've gotten him back.
Him not being happy if you get another guy is not a reflection of his feelings for you, just of his selfish personality. And he cares for you, of course. Just because he fell out of love with you doesn't mean he hates you. Caring for you is not the same as being in love with you. Don't read anything into those comments.
Living together is going to make it much harder to get over him. The sooner you move out the better. Try to find someone to sublet from you if that's possible or, if you can afford it, consider the cost of moving out now a good investment for your well-being.
My boyfriend suddenly broke up with me. He said it was because we are 2 different people and he doesn't love me that way anymore. Yet he says he still cares for me and would not be happy if I was with someone else. I did however find out he's been communicating with his ex who lives in another state and is married. He say's there's nothing going on with her, but he's been lying to me about it. The other problem is that we live together and have to for 5 more months due to our lease. A couple of questions, do you think he has something going on with his ex? Do you think I can get him back? How are we going to live together and me be able to get over him?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if something is going on with his ex. But what difference does that make? It shouldn't. You're only asking because you are failing to grasp what really is going on: he's not into you anymore! Forget the ex! He's over YOU.
I doubt you can get him back. He's outgrown you. There's not much you can do about that. You can tell him to go fuck himself and make yourself scarce. If that makes him seem more interested in you -- it probably will -- it'll be just temporary. Don't make the mistake of thinking you've gotten him back.
Him not being happy if you get another guy is not a reflection of his feelings for you, just of his selfish personality. And he cares for you, of course. Just because he fell out of love with you doesn't mean he hates you. Caring for you is not the same as being in love with you. Don't read anything into those comments.
Living together is going to make it much harder to get over him. The sooner you move out the better. Try to find someone to sublet from you if that's possible or, if you can afford it, consider the cost of moving out now a good investment for your well-being.
She considers herself picky
tamara, 28, from texas, asks:
I have gone out with a guy a couple of times. I consider myself to be picky and don't fall for every guy I meet. Though he seems to be the kind of guy I would like to have a relationship with. He is a hard worker but we talk a lot on some days then not at all on others. I try hard not to "chase" him. I have the intense want to ask him what he's looking for and if he likes me and all that other high school stuff but I don't want to be girly. He doesn't date much and is about 6 yrs older than me. I want him to know that I am into him and would like to know if he is into me but how do I do that without being girly and pushy?
VictorM's advice:
As far as him knowing you're into him, he doesn't need words. He can see it, feel it, sense it. Of course, girls are much better than guys at showing that side of themselves, which makes the task easier. Basically, there's no need to tell him what he already knows.
Now, I'm going to tell you what most guys would be thinking: we have gone out a couple of times and you have to have this mushy talk already? Get a grip of yourself! I don't even know what I feel much less be in a position to tell you. I have seen you a couple of times, for crying out loud , what do I really know about you? That you have a pretty face and nice boobs? I don't even know what you look like without your mask. I know next to nothing about you. I fall in lust quickly but in love slowly. I'm not going to rush. That's insane. That's just plain stupid. I want to get to know you more without commitment before deciding if I want to commit. I'll tell you how I feel about you when I know it myself. But hey, I like your face and your boobs!
Now, it's me talking: You have dated a guy a couple of times and are already so into him that you wish you could have "the talk"? And you call yourself picky? Bullshit! Sounds to me like you are too eager to latch on to a guy that you know very little about. You're not picky at all; you're desperate -- don't confuse the two.
I have gone out with a guy a couple of times. I consider myself to be picky and don't fall for every guy I meet. Though he seems to be the kind of guy I would like to have a relationship with. He is a hard worker but we talk a lot on some days then not at all on others. I try hard not to "chase" him. I have the intense want to ask him what he's looking for and if he likes me and all that other high school stuff but I don't want to be girly. He doesn't date much and is about 6 yrs older than me. I want him to know that I am into him and would like to know if he is into me but how do I do that without being girly and pushy?
VictorM's advice:
As far as him knowing you're into him, he doesn't need words. He can see it, feel it, sense it. Of course, girls are much better than guys at showing that side of themselves, which makes the task easier. Basically, there's no need to tell him what he already knows.
Now, I'm going to tell you what most guys would be thinking: we have gone out a couple of times and you have to have this mushy talk already? Get a grip of yourself! I don't even know what I feel much less be in a position to tell you. I have seen you a couple of times, for crying out loud , what do I really know about you? That you have a pretty face and nice boobs? I don't even know what you look like without your mask. I know next to nothing about you. I fall in lust quickly but in love slowly. I'm not going to rush. That's insane. That's just plain stupid. I want to get to know you more without commitment before deciding if I want to commit. I'll tell you how I feel about you when I know it myself. But hey, I like your face and your boobs!
Now, it's me talking: You have dated a guy a couple of times and are already so into him that you wish you could have "the talk"? And you call yourself picky? Bullshit! Sounds to me like you are too eager to latch on to a guy that you know very little about. You're not picky at all; you're desperate -- don't confuse the two.
Monday, August 06, 2007
He's very busy and she's still married
(VictorM's note: I thought to shorten this question, but you have to read the full question to appreciate the answer)
Julie, 32, from Tennessee, asks:
I ran into an old friend online I use to date his brother like 12 years ago, he contacted me first. This happened three weeks ago and we have talked everyday since. I planned a trip to see my family, and he lives near there well he asked if he could see me, and at first I didn't know but then I agreed to it. He was very flirty with me, and would tell me things like how beautiful I am and things of that nature. I am married with 4 children at the starting of a divorce, and he has been divorced for 2 years and he has 2 children that he has custody of. He told me that he has always had a crush on me and I told him the same thing.
Well he would tell me things like, he wanted to see me, how beautiful I am and I started liking him allover again as things progressed through us talking and I told him this. Well he tells me that he is a take it day by day kind of guy and he just wanted a friendship, and then he would say things like if nothing ever comes out of this we would always be friends and then back to the whole lets just be friends thing.
But he made it out to be like he wanted to be more than friends by the things he would say to me. Well I decided to see him 2 weeks ago, and we have chemistry and a lot of it. Well he kissed me and asked me what my intentions were with him, he kept telling me how beautiful I am and things like that. Well the next night we were suppose to go out, well he canceled saying he had to go watch fireworks with his kids that they were that night and not Wednesday night like he thought. So then he tells me we would go out Wednesday night and then later on he calls me and said he would come up and see me that night. Well he called back a few hours later and canceled well that upset me so I called him back and told him so. Well he said he would come up the next day but he sent me a text saying that my feelings were a little too strong and that until I get things sorted out it was best that we not see each other and he would call when he was home, well he never called and then he wouldn't answer my calls or my text messages.
So when I got back home I sent him a message saying that I didn't know what I had done but I wouldn't be bothering him anymore, if he wanted to talk that he knows where I am.
Well he sent me one back saying that he was afraid to call because he thought my feelings were strong for him, and he wrote I DO like you and I want to maybe see where things could go between us after you get your things there sorted out. And that he didn't want me to think that he was trying to take advantage of me that night. Which nothing happened. He also said one of the reasons he didn't some see me is that he thought things would have went to that next level and he didn't want that to happen. And it wouldn't have on my end. And that I could call him or he would call me but make sure it was after seven. And he also said that when he saw me that he did like what he saw. Well he never called and I finally talked to him yesterday and he apologized for not calling he said he went to the beach and his phone went dead and now he is back to saying he just wants to be friends again and that he doesn't want a relationship right now and that we both have things to work on. And I didn't need to fall in love.
And he use to send me a text or an email or something everyday and now that has stopped too, it's only if I contact him first.
I sent him a message saying that I heard him loud and clear that he just wants to be friends and that I knew nothing could ever come out of this and that I was fine with that.
Well then he sends me a message back saying, um no, that is not what I meant. I mean that for now while you are still married that I just want to be friends and then when you get divorced and move up this way, I would like to try dating for a bit, I do not want you to move in right away or anything like that but once you get your life stable I wouldn't mind seeing where things could go between you and I. He said that he is taking his time with relationships now and let the pot simmer if you know what I mean.
So he still hasn't been making an effort to call me, unless I contact him first so I sent him another email trying to break whatever is going on off. And so he sent me an email back explaining why he hasn't called, he has been very busy at work and I am still married and he doesn't want to get me in trouble, because I still live with my soon to be ex for the time being. Until I get things situated. And I didn't answer the email and within 30 minutes of sending it, he sent me a text message to call him, so I did and he tells me Listen I like you a lot and I want to see where things can go, please don't give up on me before we even get started and he said he would call me that night and he never did and of course he had an excuse for that too. So I sent him a message saying that I basically wouldn't be worrying about this anymore, and whatever happens, happens. So he sent me a message back saying when can I call you, and explained that he has just been busy with work and other things and that he is sorry and he thinks that we need to let things happen naturally and to go slowly. And he has called me every day this week but he doesn't talk too long and he says he will call back and doesn't, he also asked me when I am coming back up to Md, he wants to see me and this past week he has been a little more attentive but he doesn't call back when he says he will.
So my question is, what is going on here? What does he want from me, and how should I handle this? I have already started falling for him and I do want to be with him but the other part of me is saying something is not right and let him go but I can't seem to think of anything other than him. And if he doesn't want me why doesn't he just let me go??
Thanks, Julie
VictorM's advice:
Julie, you're a suffocating woman. My lord! I'm having nightmares after reading this and I haven't even gone to sleep yet.
Addressing your questions...
What's going on here is that he has common sense and you're too obsessive. You're totally missing what seems so obvious: he has some attraction for you but he doesn't want to get involved with you at least not until after you are fully divorced and your life is stable. Julie, that means don't expect too many calls, text messages, emails, etc... he wants to stay way from you for now. How hard is that to understand? Stop contacting him!
Even your last question is terribly annoying. "If he doesn't want me"... grrrr! And why doesn't he let you go? Because you're acting like crazy glue on steroids and speed! He is trying to let you go, at least until your divorce is final, but you won't let him!
If I fell for someone and she turned out to be like you, seriously, I would join the army and volunteer to go to Iraq. Life there seems peaceful by contrast.
Leave the man alone before he shoots himself!
Julie, 32, from Tennessee, asks:
I ran into an old friend online I use to date his brother like 12 years ago, he contacted me first. This happened three weeks ago and we have talked everyday since. I planned a trip to see my family, and he lives near there well he asked if he could see me, and at first I didn't know but then I agreed to it. He was very flirty with me, and would tell me things like how beautiful I am and things of that nature. I am married with 4 children at the starting of a divorce, and he has been divorced for 2 years and he has 2 children that he has custody of. He told me that he has always had a crush on me and I told him the same thing.
Well he would tell me things like, he wanted to see me, how beautiful I am and I started liking him allover again as things progressed through us talking and I told him this. Well he tells me that he is a take it day by day kind of guy and he just wanted a friendship, and then he would say things like if nothing ever comes out of this we would always be friends and then back to the whole lets just be friends thing.
But he made it out to be like he wanted to be more than friends by the things he would say to me. Well I decided to see him 2 weeks ago, and we have chemistry and a lot of it. Well he kissed me and asked me what my intentions were with him, he kept telling me how beautiful I am and things like that. Well the next night we were suppose to go out, well he canceled saying he had to go watch fireworks with his kids that they were that night and not Wednesday night like he thought. So then he tells me we would go out Wednesday night and then later on he calls me and said he would come up and see me that night. Well he called back a few hours later and canceled well that upset me so I called him back and told him so. Well he said he would come up the next day but he sent me a text saying that my feelings were a little too strong and that until I get things sorted out it was best that we not see each other and he would call when he was home, well he never called and then he wouldn't answer my calls or my text messages.
So when I got back home I sent him a message saying that I didn't know what I had done but I wouldn't be bothering him anymore, if he wanted to talk that he knows where I am.
Well he sent me one back saying that he was afraid to call because he thought my feelings were strong for him, and he wrote I DO like you and I want to maybe see where things could go between us after you get your things there sorted out. And that he didn't want me to think that he was trying to take advantage of me that night. Which nothing happened. He also said one of the reasons he didn't some see me is that he thought things would have went to that next level and he didn't want that to happen. And it wouldn't have on my end. And that I could call him or he would call me but make sure it was after seven. And he also said that when he saw me that he did like what he saw. Well he never called and I finally talked to him yesterday and he apologized for not calling he said he went to the beach and his phone went dead and now he is back to saying he just wants to be friends again and that he doesn't want a relationship right now and that we both have things to work on. And I didn't need to fall in love.
And he use to send me a text or an email or something everyday and now that has stopped too, it's only if I contact him first.
I sent him a message saying that I heard him loud and clear that he just wants to be friends and that I knew nothing could ever come out of this and that I was fine with that.
Well then he sends me a message back saying, um no, that is not what I meant. I mean that for now while you are still married that I just want to be friends and then when you get divorced and move up this way, I would like to try dating for a bit, I do not want you to move in right away or anything like that but once you get your life stable I wouldn't mind seeing where things could go between you and I. He said that he is taking his time with relationships now and let the pot simmer if you know what I mean.
So he still hasn't been making an effort to call me, unless I contact him first so I sent him another email trying to break whatever is going on off. And so he sent me an email back explaining why he hasn't called, he has been very busy at work and I am still married and he doesn't want to get me in trouble, because I still live with my soon to be ex for the time being. Until I get things situated. And I didn't answer the email and within 30 minutes of sending it, he sent me a text message to call him, so I did and he tells me Listen I like you a lot and I want to see where things can go, please don't give up on me before we even get started and he said he would call me that night and he never did and of course he had an excuse for that too. So I sent him a message saying that I basically wouldn't be worrying about this anymore, and whatever happens, happens. So he sent me a message back saying when can I call you, and explained that he has just been busy with work and other things and that he is sorry and he thinks that we need to let things happen naturally and to go slowly. And he has called me every day this week but he doesn't talk too long and he says he will call back and doesn't, he also asked me when I am coming back up to Md, he wants to see me and this past week he has been a little more attentive but he doesn't call back when he says he will.
So my question is, what is going on here? What does he want from me, and how should I handle this? I have already started falling for him and I do want to be with him but the other part of me is saying something is not right and let him go but I can't seem to think of anything other than him. And if he doesn't want me why doesn't he just let me go??
Thanks, Julie
VictorM's advice:
Julie, you're a suffocating woman. My lord! I'm having nightmares after reading this and I haven't even gone to sleep yet.
Addressing your questions...
What's going on here is that he has common sense and you're too obsessive. You're totally missing what seems so obvious: he has some attraction for you but he doesn't want to get involved with you at least not until after you are fully divorced and your life is stable. Julie, that means don't expect too many calls, text messages, emails, etc... he wants to stay way from you for now. How hard is that to understand? Stop contacting him!
Even your last question is terribly annoying. "If he doesn't want me"... grrrr! And why doesn't he let you go? Because you're acting like crazy glue on steroids and speed! He is trying to let you go, at least until your divorce is final, but you won't let him!
If I fell for someone and she turned out to be like you, seriously, I would join the army and volunteer to go to Iraq. Life there seems peaceful by contrast.
Leave the man alone before he shoots himself!
Do guys get jealous easily?
Jinnie, 14, asks:
Do guys get jealous easily? If their girlfriend hangs out with other guys, what's his reaction? Would he get mad? Would he try to get his girlfriend's attention or ignore her?
VictorM's advice:
Generally, guys wouldn't be happy about it. Guys don't trust other guys. So even if they trust their girlfriends, they don't trust the guys.
If guys get jealous it's common for the most immature ones to ignore her.
What Jinnie, boyfriend not talking to you?
Do guys get jealous easily? If their girlfriend hangs out with other guys, what's his reaction? Would he get mad? Would he try to get his girlfriend's attention or ignore her?
VictorM's advice:
Generally, guys wouldn't be happy about it. Guys don't trust other guys. So even if they trust their girlfriends, they don't trust the guys.
If guys get jealous it's common for the most immature ones to ignore her.
What Jinnie, boyfriend not talking to you?
She talks more to her guy friend than her boyfriend
Casarah, 19, from California, asks:
I have this friend and she has a boyfriend and a guy friend who is also her bestfriend. If my friend talked to her bestfriend more than her boyfriend would he feel the need to be jealous of her bestfriend? If you were in this situation what would you think or do?
VictorM's advice:
Not necessarily. Some guys may be totally fine with it, some might not. There's a lot of other stuff that you are leaving out that might influence the reaction.
Maybe you're minding this more than any of them do. Come on, Casarah, are you meddling too much in other people's lives? Sounds like it.
I have this friend and she has a boyfriend and a guy friend who is also her bestfriend. If my friend talked to her bestfriend more than her boyfriend would he feel the need to be jealous of her bestfriend? If you were in this situation what would you think or do?
VictorM's advice:
Not necessarily. Some guys may be totally fine with it, some might not. There's a lot of other stuff that you are leaving out that might influence the reaction.
Maybe you're minding this more than any of them do. Come on, Casarah, are you meddling too much in other people's lives? Sounds like it.
How to stop being such a bitch?
Wendy, 17, from California, asks:
I hooked up with a guy, and it was a one time thing but he seemed really into it saying things like I need you etc. I gave him my phone number but never recieved a call. I'm not the type to act psycho or go out of my way to get a guy who doesn't seem to have any interest in me. We see each other often and it's not hostile but the fact that he didn't follow up scares me so I'm often not the nicest (which, I know, goes against your rule of making a guy feel good about himself in order to get him hooked on you) but I'm trying to change.
1. Is there hope or should I give up?
2. Any advice on how to stop being such a bitch??
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you're being a bitch; you're just being a *gulp*... typical girl.
1. Do not give up! Girls think that love at first site is the force that moves the planet (yes, girls read far too many romance novels!) With few exceptions, guys see a girl they feel some attraction for as a seed. Girls are about future possibilities.
He saw something in you but he wasn't ready to turn his world upside down for you. He has a life, friends, who knows, maybe other phone numbers he's considering, and he's in that period of checking out his possibilities. What, did you think this guy has been living alone in a dark, depressing cave and by giving him him your phone number his life turned into a paradise of sunshine, singing birds, and music in the air and so he should rush blindly to you? Doesn't usually work this way. It takes time and many good experiences for guys to decide a particular girl merits all their attention.
This is why I say you should be nice to him (so that he thinks about you more and seeks your company) but also play a bit hard-to-get (so you become a challenge). Many people think this combination (being nice and playing hard to get) is manipulative, but it's not. The longer you keep a guy chasing you the better your chances are that maybe he'll see your seed be the one that turns into the beautiful flower he seeks.
2. See number 1.
I hooked up with a guy, and it was a one time thing but he seemed really into it saying things like I need you etc. I gave him my phone number but never recieved a call. I'm not the type to act psycho or go out of my way to get a guy who doesn't seem to have any interest in me. We see each other often and it's not hostile but the fact that he didn't follow up scares me so I'm often not the nicest (which, I know, goes against your rule of making a guy feel good about himself in order to get him hooked on you) but I'm trying to change.
1. Is there hope or should I give up?
2. Any advice on how to stop being such a bitch??
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you're being a bitch; you're just being a *gulp*... typical girl.
1. Do not give up! Girls think that love at first site is the force that moves the planet (yes, girls read far too many romance novels!) With few exceptions, guys see a girl they feel some attraction for as a seed. Girls are about future possibilities.
He saw something in you but he wasn't ready to turn his world upside down for you. He has a life, friends, who knows, maybe other phone numbers he's considering, and he's in that period of checking out his possibilities. What, did you think this guy has been living alone in a dark, depressing cave and by giving him him your phone number his life turned into a paradise of sunshine, singing birds, and music in the air and so he should rush blindly to you? Doesn't usually work this way. It takes time and many good experiences for guys to decide a particular girl merits all their attention.
This is why I say you should be nice to him (so that he thinks about you more and seeks your company) but also play a bit hard-to-get (so you become a challenge). Many people think this combination (being nice and playing hard to get) is manipulative, but it's not. The longer you keep a guy chasing you the better your chances are that maybe he'll see your seed be the one that turns into the beautiful flower he seeks.
2. See number 1.
He's too close to her female friend
Tarah, 14, asks:
I have a boyfriend, Michael, and he is very good friends with a girl named Larissa. They always talk, text, and even Michael talks about Larissa to me. I have explained that I don't like their relationship because it makes me suspicious, but he always says he loves me. On Myspace, I am his top friend but Larissa is about the 3rd. How do I make it clear I don't like them being so close?
VictorM's advice:
The sequence of friends in MySpace matters? I never knew that.
I often say that strong male-female friendships never lead to good situations, specially when one partner minds, but when I say this, I'm referring to older age groups. At your age, I'm not so sure that this is the problem that you think it is.
Chances are that they have been friends before he though of guys and girls as boyfriends and girlfriends, or even the concept of romance. He's still acting as if she's the little friend he had, before she grew boobs. And so he has a hard time understanding why it upsets you because in his mind she's just a pal. Almost like a cousin or a sister.
You made it clear that you don't like their friendship because you're suspicious. That, frankly, is more a reflection of the kind of person you are than the kind of people they are (unless you have specific examples that denote flirting or teasing between them). You may want to give more thought to why you feel this way.
In any case, talk to him about your feelings not about his behavior. Don't say, "you spend too much time with her." Instead say something like "I feel insecure when you talk to her." If you give him specific reasons how and why your feelings get hurt, he may have a better idea how to address them.
I have a boyfriend, Michael, and he is very good friends with a girl named Larissa. They always talk, text, and even Michael talks about Larissa to me. I have explained that I don't like their relationship because it makes me suspicious, but he always says he loves me. On Myspace, I am his top friend but Larissa is about the 3rd. How do I make it clear I don't like them being so close?
VictorM's advice:
The sequence of friends in MySpace matters? I never knew that.
I often say that strong male-female friendships never lead to good situations, specially when one partner minds, but when I say this, I'm referring to older age groups. At your age, I'm not so sure that this is the problem that you think it is.
Chances are that they have been friends before he though of guys and girls as boyfriends and girlfriends, or even the concept of romance. He's still acting as if she's the little friend he had, before she grew boobs. And so he has a hard time understanding why it upsets you because in his mind she's just a pal. Almost like a cousin or a sister.
You made it clear that you don't like their friendship because you're suspicious. That, frankly, is more a reflection of the kind of person you are than the kind of people they are (unless you have specific examples that denote flirting or teasing between them). You may want to give more thought to why you feel this way.
In any case, talk to him about your feelings not about his behavior. Don't say, "you spend too much time with her." Instead say something like "I feel insecure when you talk to her." If you give him specific reasons how and why your feelings get hurt, he may have a better idea how to address them.
Samantha did something stupid
Samantha, 22, from USA, asks:
It's me again, and I have more questions. OK, since my friend said the things that I have already told you about and I let him know that I was ok with it and just wanted to be friends too, (besides I do not want another relationship right now) he has been acting weird. He is pulling away from me a little and it hurts but I know he is dealing with his own stuff too. It is almost like he realizes that he said too much and is embarrassed about it, but when it is just him and me, he acts really shy which he has NEVER been with me. The other day I was hanging out with him at his place and I did something really stupid that got him upset with me. He was really mad for almost a week then he told me that I really hurt him. He forgave me after I apologized repeatedly then he said that he was going to ask me to take our friendship further (in a sexual way) but didn't know how to ask me about it. Since saying that we have been fighting a lot about trivial things. I don't know what to do with him. I am sooo confused.
VictorM's answer:
You are not boyfriend/girlfriend but you're not just friends either. Our society has a hard time dealing with this arrangement. Everything that you have been taught teaches you that you should be one or the other. You're trying to straddle the fence. It's not easy.
It's not going to get any easier either because despite your words (that you don't want a relationship) you don't behave as just-friends either. What just-friends fight over trivial things? What just-friends talk about involving sex? You're confused because you're both being irrationally selfish about this relationship. You both want the benefits of a committed relationship but you say you don't.
Want to be unconfused? Treat him like a lover or treat him like just a friend. Get off the middle ground.
It's me again, and I have more questions. OK, since my friend said the things that I have already told you about and I let him know that I was ok with it and just wanted to be friends too, (besides I do not want another relationship right now) he has been acting weird. He is pulling away from me a little and it hurts but I know he is dealing with his own stuff too. It is almost like he realizes that he said too much and is embarrassed about it, but when it is just him and me, he acts really shy which he has NEVER been with me. The other day I was hanging out with him at his place and I did something really stupid that got him upset with me. He was really mad for almost a week then he told me that I really hurt him. He forgave me after I apologized repeatedly then he said that he was going to ask me to take our friendship further (in a sexual way) but didn't know how to ask me about it. Since saying that we have been fighting a lot about trivial things. I don't know what to do with him. I am sooo confused.
VictorM's answer:
You are not boyfriend/girlfriend but you're not just friends either. Our society has a hard time dealing with this arrangement. Everything that you have been taught teaches you that you should be one or the other. You're trying to straddle the fence. It's not easy.
It's not going to get any easier either because despite your words (that you don't want a relationship) you don't behave as just-friends either. What just-friends fight over trivial things? What just-friends talk about involving sex? You're confused because you're both being irrationally selfish about this relationship. You both want the benefits of a committed relationship but you say you don't.
Want to be unconfused? Treat him like a lover or treat him like just a friend. Get off the middle ground.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
manandwife.tv
J Simpson, 30, from: L.A. says:
This isn't a question but Hey,
I love your site! Thought you might get a kick out of this: www.manandwife.tv. It's funny and it deals with all sorts of relationship issues in a very honest and no holds barred kinda way.
Plus it's Fatman Scoop baby!
Good Stuff!
Keep up the great work,
J Simpson
VictorM's comment:
I agree, this site is funny and offers good advice. I just saw the Fruits and Veggies episode and yes, every woman on the planet should see it!
Take care of the cherries, ladies!!! ;)
This isn't a question but Hey,
I love your site! Thought you might get a kick out of this: www.manandwife.tv. It's funny and it deals with all sorts of relationship issues in a very honest and no holds barred kinda way.
Plus it's Fatman Scoop baby!
Good Stuff!
Keep up the great work,
J Simpson
VictorM's comment:
I agree, this site is funny and offers good advice. I just saw the Fruits and Veggies episode and yes, every woman on the planet should see it!
Take care of the cherries, ladies!!! ;)
Friday, August 03, 2007
The necklace
Rebecca, 16, asks:
A guy I know, who has only recently started sitting with my group, had this necklace that one of my friends found in his bag and when my friend showed me he let me wear it. I tried to give it back that afternoon but he told me to keep wearing it because it looked good on me. It's been almost a week and he hasn't taken it back. One of my friends said that it's because he likes me. I just wanted to know if my friend could be right.
VictorM's advice:
Your friend could be right, but if so, it's only coincidence.
A necklace does not have the same meaning to guys that it does to girls. Sure, maybe he's letting you have it because he likes you, maybe because he thinks it looks good on you, or maybe he's happy he got rid of the piece of junk. You can't go by this. Look for more concrete signs.
Oh, and tell your friend that if you wanted to take wild guesses you don't need any help.
A guy I know, who has only recently started sitting with my group, had this necklace that one of my friends found in his bag and when my friend showed me he let me wear it. I tried to give it back that afternoon but he told me to keep wearing it because it looked good on me. It's been almost a week and he hasn't taken it back. One of my friends said that it's because he likes me. I just wanted to know if my friend could be right.
VictorM's advice:
Your friend could be right, but if so, it's only coincidence.
A necklace does not have the same meaning to guys that it does to girls. Sure, maybe he's letting you have it because he likes you, maybe because he thinks it looks good on you, or maybe he's happy he got rid of the piece of junk. You can't go by this. Look for more concrete signs.
Oh, and tell your friend that if you wanted to take wild guesses you don't need any help.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
The whole nine yards
marta, 19, from georgia, asks:
Well, as pathetic as this is[asking for online advice], I like this guy. We had a thing. We made out and went the whole 9 yards [sex]. But we weren't together. We were bene-friends. And then his ex-girlfriend of 7 or 8 months ago, randomly shows up on his door step wanting him back. They've been on-off dating for 3 or 4 years. And she always cheats on him, but he took her back... again. I know he had some kind of feelings for me when we were bene-friends, so how do I know if he still has feelings for me?
VictorM's answer:
There is no way to know what his feelings for you are, but the signs aren't very good that he has them. He went back to a cheater, remember?
He went back to her but he's sure he can still have sex with you, if not while seeing her, when they break-up again. Even if he's not thinking that, what should stop him from believing it? It's not like you gave him reasons to think you'll say no to casual sex and frankly, you didn't offer him more than she did -- after all, she's promiscuous and so are you. But at least he has feelings for her.
Well, as pathetic as this is[asking for online advice], I like this guy. We had a thing. We made out and went the whole 9 yards [sex]. But we weren't together. We were bene-friends. And then his ex-girlfriend of 7 or 8 months ago, randomly shows up on his door step wanting him back. They've been on-off dating for 3 or 4 years. And she always cheats on him, but he took her back... again. I know he had some kind of feelings for me when we were bene-friends, so how do I know if he still has feelings for me?
VictorM's answer:
There is no way to know what his feelings for you are, but the signs aren't very good that he has them. He went back to a cheater, remember?
He went back to her but he's sure he can still have sex with you, if not while seeing her, when they break-up again. Even if he's not thinking that, what should stop him from believing it? It's not like you gave him reasons to think you'll say no to casual sex and frankly, you didn't offer him more than she did -- after all, she's promiscuous and so are you. But at least he has feelings for her.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Worth it
tania, 18, from new york, asks:
How can I make a guy realise that I am worth it?
VictorM's advice:
Unfortunately, guys don't make romantic choices based on a girl's worth. Not in our culture anyway. The nicest, brightest guy can easily fall for the trashiest girl. Just look at me. (Kidding, kidding!!)
Stay true to your values and be nice to him. If he's lucky, he'll fall for you.
How can I make a guy realise that I am worth it?
VictorM's advice:
Unfortunately, guys don't make romantic choices based on a girl's worth. Not in our culture anyway. The nicest, brightest guy can easily fall for the trashiest girl. Just look at me. (Kidding, kidding!!)
Stay true to your values and be nice to him. If he's lucky, he'll fall for you.
He keeps smiling at her
Emily, 14, from Pennsylvania, asks:
This guy I like keeps smiling at me every time we talk. He will also bring up really random things to say, even if it doesn't make sense. Does this mean he likes me?
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing like a guy not making sense that screams "I LIKE YOU!!!" I'm not kidding either.
This guy I like keeps smiling at me every time we talk. He will also bring up really random things to say, even if it doesn't make sense. Does this mean he likes me?
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing like a guy not making sense that screams "I LIKE YOU!!!" I'm not kidding either.
In private he is VERY affectionate
Emma, 19, from USA, asks:
I have a boyfriend who is 2 years younger than me (i know i know)-but before we were together we were better than best friends. Brother Sister close. We have only been dating for 2 months, and things are so strange now. In private he is VERY affectionate and playful, but in our group he is distant and takes no initiative in paying attention to me. When I approach him he always either gets very quiet or walks away.
Recently my very good friend told all of us that she used to like him (at a party). He flirts with her a lot now, and tends to ignore me in groups. She made it clear she doesn't like him anymore, and sometimes he seems to be annoyed by her (I'm really close with her). Do you think these two things are related? How can I get him to pay attention to me without seeming needy?
VictorM's advice:
No, I don't think those things are related.
My guess is that his behavior is a reflection of his family life and his personal hangups stemming from it, not a reflection of his feelings for you or for that other girl. If he lives in a house where family members are treated as sissies or ridiculed for showing emotion, those scars are going to carry over to how he deals with you when others are present.
Have you had a conversation with him about this? If you haven't, you should. Not in an accusatory tone, but in a "trying to understand why" tone. You should emphasize that you would like more affection in public but that you are willing to be patient and work with him. Don't force him to do something he struggles to do. Reward even the slightest piece of progress... like, let him have his pacifier.
(I know, I know... cheap shot, but you opened the door for it). By the way, don't let the age difference bother you.
I have a boyfriend who is 2 years younger than me (i know i know)-but before we were together we were better than best friends. Brother Sister close. We have only been dating for 2 months, and things are so strange now. In private he is VERY affectionate and playful, but in our group he is distant and takes no initiative in paying attention to me. When I approach him he always either gets very quiet or walks away.
Recently my very good friend told all of us that she used to like him (at a party). He flirts with her a lot now, and tends to ignore me in groups. She made it clear she doesn't like him anymore, and sometimes he seems to be annoyed by her (I'm really close with her). Do you think these two things are related? How can I get him to pay attention to me without seeming needy?
VictorM's advice:
No, I don't think those things are related.
My guess is that his behavior is a reflection of his family life and his personal hangups stemming from it, not a reflection of his feelings for you or for that other girl. If he lives in a house where family members are treated as sissies or ridiculed for showing emotion, those scars are going to carry over to how he deals with you when others are present.
Have you had a conversation with him about this? If you haven't, you should. Not in an accusatory tone, but in a "trying to understand why" tone. You should emphasize that you would like more affection in public but that you are willing to be patient and work with him. Don't force him to do something he struggles to do. Reward even the slightest piece of progress... like, let him have his pacifier.
(I know, I know... cheap shot, but you opened the door for it). By the way, don't let the age difference bother you.
