Tuesday, July 31, 2007
She knows he's not a creep
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
I have got back together with my ex fiancee. We broke up over his financial issues and the fact he has loads of debt and couldn't committ. I went on holiday with my friend and met an old flame who I stopped seeing years ago because I wasn't ready for a relationship but we had a ball on holiday and kissed just once. He has a girlfriend and lives an hour away. We are in a situation where he's asking to meet up and if there's a spark we should break up with our other halves. I love my ex fiancee but he isn't man enough and is still immature as he never has any money to do things and I'm bored. This new guy treated me well on holiday and made it clear he will treat me right. He is also my brother-in-law's cousin so I know he's not a creep! Do you think that's unfair on my ex fiencee? Am I making a mistake breaking up because he's in trouble?
VictorM's advice:
I think you should break up with your current boyfriend. I see nothing unfair about you feeling that he doesn't measure up and that you want to try someone else. And no, it's not a mistake; staying stuck is a mistake.
I have got back together with my ex fiancee. We broke up over his financial issues and the fact he has loads of debt and couldn't committ. I went on holiday with my friend and met an old flame who I stopped seeing years ago because I wasn't ready for a relationship but we had a ball on holiday and kissed just once. He has a girlfriend and lives an hour away. We are in a situation where he's asking to meet up and if there's a spark we should break up with our other halves. I love my ex fiancee but he isn't man enough and is still immature as he never has any money to do things and I'm bored. This new guy treated me well on holiday and made it clear he will treat me right. He is also my brother-in-law's cousin so I know he's not a creep! Do you think that's unfair on my ex fiencee? Am I making a mistake breaking up because he's in trouble?
VictorM's advice:
I think you should break up with your current boyfriend. I see nothing unfair about you feeling that he doesn't measure up and that you want to try someone else. And no, it's not a mistake; staying stuck is a mistake.
He's giving her hints but she's not sure
maryann, 38, from warren, michigan, asks:
I need to know if this man at my work likes me. I think he is giving me hints, but I'm not sure. He let me know over a phone conversation that he waved to me leaving work, but I didn't see. Did he say this to me to let me know he noticed me? He always visits me in my department, with much eye contact. I also told him I felt like a caged bird (bad relationship) and I need out, he winked and smiled and said I need to open the door so I can be happy. What do you think, is this guy into me? thanks
VictorM's advice:
He might very well be into you, but I don't think what you told me is enough to confirm that.
Being at work 8 hours a day forces people to find things to entertain themselves with. Sometimes a coworker provides enough reason to make the hours in the day go by quicker. He may like you but that doesn't mean he likes you as more than just a boredom buster.
I need to know if this man at my work likes me. I think he is giving me hints, but I'm not sure. He let me know over a phone conversation that he waved to me leaving work, but I didn't see. Did he say this to me to let me know he noticed me? He always visits me in my department, with much eye contact. I also told him I felt like a caged bird (bad relationship) and I need out, he winked and smiled and said I need to open the door so I can be happy. What do you think, is this guy into me? thanks
VictorM's advice:
He might very well be into you, but I don't think what you told me is enough to confirm that.
Being at work 8 hours a day forces people to find things to entertain themselves with. Sometimes a coworker provides enough reason to make the hours in the day go by quicker. He may like you but that doesn't mean he likes you as more than just a boredom buster.
Her husband has erectile dysfunction
Anonymous asks:
I'm a newly married woman concerned about my husband's erectile dysfunction, if that's the problem he has because he has been into some medical condition(taking some meds for his heart prob and kidney) that may have affected his erection. Even if I gave him oral sex I just ended up tired to do it more. Just couldn't do it longer because it stopped getting hard. Also, a few times felt disappointed because he didn't come, never not only once, even if we made love for more than an hour. I don't want to complain always, but as I've told him it would be more satisfying/gratifying for me if I've felt or seen him cum. I asked him why, but he said there wasn't even too much pressure to make him cum. He said when he masturbates he does. I don't know how can I satisfy him if he doesn't come. Please help, what could be possibly wrong? It makes me feel inferior that he just didn't think I'm desirable or just worried that I would get pregnant right away. Just seems odd if that's the only reason.
VictorM's advice:
Too bad you didn't give me your age, how long you two have been having sex, and if the sexual problems you describe are new.
Even without that, there's a few things to consider:
- If he has medical conditions that cause the ED, seeing a doctor and getting a prescription for Viagra or Levrita could alleviate that situation. Seeing a doctor about it should be the first thing he does. It's not uncommon for guys to have a problem early in a relationship. If you just started having sex, the ED could go away once he feels more comfortable. But for now, he could get help from drugs.
- The stress of a new partner can also cause some men to ejaculate too quickly or take too long. In either case, time and familiarity with each other will ease that situation. So give it time.
- If he ejaculates when he masturbates, then make that part of your love making. After you play with each other, let him masturbate himself to a climax. Hold your hand over his, learn how firm his grip his, the tempo of his strokes, and you'll get a better sense of what works for him. This can be quite an intimate and sexually gratifying experience for both of you. Make it part of your sex live instead of looking at it as if it's a negative.
- Don't feel like you have to make him ejaculate with oral sex. Lots of men don't! During love-making it's something you do for a while but don't do it till your jaw drops. Variation is best. Try other things, alternate, experiment... make it a little adventure together to see what works. It can be fun if you can relax and laugh about it. Sex doesn't have to be all serious all the time.
- Above all... STOP THINKING YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!!! Not only is this not the case, but you're bringing more stress upon him and yourself by thinking that way. Do you really think he married you because he didn't find you attractive? Come on! Get real! There are very physical issues at play with sex, and not every couple gets going on all cylinders from the get go. It takes time and effort to relax and work out the kinks.
What you need most of all is to relax! RELAX! Close your eyes, lay back, touch each other... kiss, lick, hug, feel, nibble... take.your.time! Forget ejaculating. Forget climaxing. Just enjoy being with each other, naked, raw, with no pressure. Make it fun. The rest will come (pun intended)!
I'm a newly married woman concerned about my husband's erectile dysfunction, if that's the problem he has because he has been into some medical condition(taking some meds for his heart prob and kidney) that may have affected his erection. Even if I gave him oral sex I just ended up tired to do it more. Just couldn't do it longer because it stopped getting hard. Also, a few times felt disappointed because he didn't come, never not only once, even if we made love for more than an hour. I don't want to complain always, but as I've told him it would be more satisfying/gratifying for me if I've felt or seen him cum. I asked him why, but he said there wasn't even too much pressure to make him cum. He said when he masturbates he does. I don't know how can I satisfy him if he doesn't come. Please help, what could be possibly wrong? It makes me feel inferior that he just didn't think I'm desirable or just worried that I would get pregnant right away. Just seems odd if that's the only reason.
VictorM's advice:
Too bad you didn't give me your age, how long you two have been having sex, and if the sexual problems you describe are new.
Even without that, there's a few things to consider:
- If he has medical conditions that cause the ED, seeing a doctor and getting a prescription for Viagra or Levrita could alleviate that situation. Seeing a doctor about it should be the first thing he does. It's not uncommon for guys to have a problem early in a relationship. If you just started having sex, the ED could go away once he feels more comfortable. But for now, he could get help from drugs.
- The stress of a new partner can also cause some men to ejaculate too quickly or take too long. In either case, time and familiarity with each other will ease that situation. So give it time.
- If he ejaculates when he masturbates, then make that part of your love making. After you play with each other, let him masturbate himself to a climax. Hold your hand over his, learn how firm his grip his, the tempo of his strokes, and you'll get a better sense of what works for him. This can be quite an intimate and sexually gratifying experience for both of you. Make it part of your sex live instead of looking at it as if it's a negative.
- Don't feel like you have to make him ejaculate with oral sex. Lots of men don't! During love-making it's something you do for a while but don't do it till your jaw drops. Variation is best. Try other things, alternate, experiment... make it a little adventure together to see what works. It can be fun if you can relax and laugh about it. Sex doesn't have to be all serious all the time.
- Above all... STOP THINKING YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!!! Not only is this not the case, but you're bringing more stress upon him and yourself by thinking that way. Do you really think he married you because he didn't find you attractive? Come on! Get real! There are very physical issues at play with sex, and not every couple gets going on all cylinders from the get go. It takes time and effort to relax and work out the kinks.
What you need most of all is to relax! RELAX! Close your eyes, lay back, touch each other... kiss, lick, hug, feel, nibble... take.your.time! Forget ejaculating. Forget climaxing. Just enjoy being with each other, naked, raw, with no pressure. Make it fun. The rest will come (pun intended)!
Special names for him
Kimmy, 15, asks:
Do guys like it when their girlfriends have a special name for them, like my boo, babe or anything like that other than their name? I want to call him something... but I don't know if he wants me to call him any other names or if he likes it, what do you think?
My boyfriend called me babe once for the first time! And I'm wondering what made him call me that? Do you know, Victor?
VictorM's answer:
Calling you "babe" means he feels closer to you. It also means he's receptive to you using your own term of endearment for him. But the best thing to do is to ask him. Use the name and then say, "do you mind if I call you that?" Presto! It's that simple.
One thing: check with him if it's OK to use that name in front of his friends. Guys can really tear a friend apart over such things. Don't do it unless he says it's OK.
Boo?!? *giggles*
Do guys like it when their girlfriends have a special name for them, like my boo, babe or anything like that other than their name? I want to call him something... but I don't know if he wants me to call him any other names or if he likes it, what do you think?
My boyfriend called me babe once for the first time! And I'm wondering what made him call me that? Do you know, Victor?
VictorM's answer:
Calling you "babe" means he feels closer to you. It also means he's receptive to you using your own term of endearment for him. But the best thing to do is to ask him. Use the name and then say, "do you mind if I call you that?" Presto! It's that simple.
One thing: check with him if it's OK to use that name in front of his friends. Guys can really tear a friend apart over such things. Don't do it unless he says it's OK.
Boo?!? *giggles*
He liked her until his ex reentered his life
marr, 18, from pos, asks:
I like this guy and he liked me back only until his lost long love re entered his life...then I became nothing. She gives him real trouble. She uses him and treats him bad. Why does he stay with her? I like him so much. What to doo? How do I make him like me?
VictorM's advice:
Your view of her treatment of him may be accurate, it may not be, but it doesn't matter. She's the one that poses a challenge to him, she's the one that gets his juices going. So he wants her back, for now.
Quite often, however, as appealing as she was to him before, that might not be so now, specially after he has met you. He was tempted to go back to her as a way of healing his wounded ego, but he may find he's over her and come after you. If he does, you'll be better off that he got her off his system.
You should respect his decision to give her a try and meanwhile, continue to be pleasant and nice to him. The last thing you should do is badmouth her and his decision. And start dating other guys. Do not wait for him. You'd be surprised how much more appealing you will be when you're with another guy. Maybe then he will recognize he has feelings for you. If he does at all.
I like this guy and he liked me back only until his lost long love re entered his life...then I became nothing. She gives him real trouble. She uses him and treats him bad. Why does he stay with her? I like him so much. What to doo? How do I make him like me?
VictorM's advice:
Your view of her treatment of him may be accurate, it may not be, but it doesn't matter. She's the one that poses a challenge to him, she's the one that gets his juices going. So he wants her back, for now.
Quite often, however, as appealing as she was to him before, that might not be so now, specially after he has met you. He was tempted to go back to her as a way of healing his wounded ego, but he may find he's over her and come after you. If he does, you'll be better off that he got her off his system.
You should respect his decision to give her a try and meanwhile, continue to be pleasant and nice to him. The last thing you should do is badmouth her and his decision. And start dating other guys. Do not wait for him. You'd be surprised how much more appealing you will be when you're with another guy. Maybe then he will recognize he has feelings for you. If he does at all.
Monday, July 30, 2007
She started talking to a guy on Facebook
Lacey, 17, from MA, asks:
I started talking to a guy on Facebook. He seemed really interesting and he knows one of my friends who assured me that he goes to her school and he's a nice guy etc. We talked for about a week and finally decided to meet. We went for ice cream and he seemed really interested. He got a call from a friend saying he got into a car accident or something, so he dropped me off and went over to his friend. He told me that he is taking the weekend off and that we will definitely hang out. It's saturday and still no call. I was feeling couragous so I called him, and he told me he was going to a bbq and if he gets out early he'll call. I don't know what to expect. In general, if I meet a guy am I allowed to contact him if I don't hear from him first? And are there any tips on how I should behave to get a guy I'm interested in to call me? Because this isn't the first time I have felt someone was fairly interested in me and I never got a 2nd date call. I'm not sure if this will help, but usually guys I'm not that interested in always call me.
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, I know the refrain: show too much interest and they take you for granted. You're not alone; it happens quite often.
Guys like to chase girls. They find it more fun if she's a conquest. Make it too easy and the guy looks for another who poses a challenge. Come across as aloof and... they want you.
Why do you think the expression "play hard to get" is used?
So should you be allowed to contact him? Of course! Is it wise to do it? That's a different story. You should at least refrain from showing too much interest. Let him chase you. And if he doesn't? That means he's not as interested in you as you are in him. Should you walk away from a guy you really like? No. You could encourage him but in such as a way as to keep your interest in him a mystery.
I started talking to a guy on Facebook. He seemed really interesting and he knows one of my friends who assured me that he goes to her school and he's a nice guy etc. We talked for about a week and finally decided to meet. We went for ice cream and he seemed really interested. He got a call from a friend saying he got into a car accident or something, so he dropped me off and went over to his friend. He told me that he is taking the weekend off and that we will definitely hang out. It's saturday and still no call. I was feeling couragous so I called him, and he told me he was going to a bbq and if he gets out early he'll call. I don't know what to expect. In general, if I meet a guy am I allowed to contact him if I don't hear from him first? And are there any tips on how I should behave to get a guy I'm interested in to call me? Because this isn't the first time I have felt someone was fairly interested in me and I never got a 2nd date call. I'm not sure if this will help, but usually guys I'm not that interested in always call me.
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, I know the refrain: show too much interest and they take you for granted. You're not alone; it happens quite often.
Guys like to chase girls. They find it more fun if she's a conquest. Make it too easy and the guy looks for another who poses a challenge. Come across as aloof and... they want you.
Why do you think the expression "play hard to get" is used?
So should you be allowed to contact him? Of course! Is it wise to do it? That's a different story. You should at least refrain from showing too much interest. Let him chase you. And if he doesn't? That means he's not as interested in you as you are in him. Should you walk away from a guy you really like? No. You could encourage him but in such as a way as to keep your interest in him a mystery.
After 20 months, he doesn't call as often
Angie, 29, from Trenton, asks:
My boyfriend of 20 months spends less and less time around me and doesn't call as often. He used to plan our activities and come around all of the time. Recently, I had to take the initiative to plan our time together because nothing was happening. He is receptive to my plans but I don't know how the roles changed. I don't want to always initiate things. If I don't call, don't come around and don't plan things, we don't have quality time together. I want things the way they were in the beginning.
VictorM's advice:
Yours is the most common complaint I hear from women. Men get lazy once they feel secure in a relationship.
You can either find a new boyfriend -- and start the same cycle all over again in a few months -- or you can remove the security from this relationship. As long as he feels you won't dump him, won't go out with your friends, can't do things by yourself, he has you by the balls. You have to be able to lose him to win back his drive to be more attentive. Could you drive him away by taking such actions? Sure. Would it be a big loss? Your answer will determine his future behavior. You have more control over it than you think.
In the beginning he was trying to win you over. You have to make him feel that he needs to do that again. Nagging him over what he should do won't work. You're wasting your energy and all you're doing is making him the center of your life. The last thing a guy wants his indifference. So go out with your girlfriends. Dress sexier even when you're not with him. Go out by yourself to do things you like even if he doesn't want to come along. Tell him what a wonderful time you had. Pay him little to no attention when he doesn't do things with or for you, and make sure you reward him when he does.
Men are like puppies. Train him.
My boyfriend of 20 months spends less and less time around me and doesn't call as often. He used to plan our activities and come around all of the time. Recently, I had to take the initiative to plan our time together because nothing was happening. He is receptive to my plans but I don't know how the roles changed. I don't want to always initiate things. If I don't call, don't come around and don't plan things, we don't have quality time together. I want things the way they were in the beginning.
VictorM's advice:
Yours is the most common complaint I hear from women. Men get lazy once they feel secure in a relationship.
You can either find a new boyfriend -- and start the same cycle all over again in a few months -- or you can remove the security from this relationship. As long as he feels you won't dump him, won't go out with your friends, can't do things by yourself, he has you by the balls. You have to be able to lose him to win back his drive to be more attentive. Could you drive him away by taking such actions? Sure. Would it be a big loss? Your answer will determine his future behavior. You have more control over it than you think.
In the beginning he was trying to win you over. You have to make him feel that he needs to do that again. Nagging him over what he should do won't work. You're wasting your energy and all you're doing is making him the center of your life. The last thing a guy wants his indifference. So go out with your girlfriends. Dress sexier even when you're not with him. Go out by yourself to do things you like even if he doesn't want to come along. Tell him what a wonderful time you had. Pay him little to no attention when he doesn't do things with or for you, and make sure you reward him when he does.
Men are like puppies. Train him.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
He just wants to be friends
michelle, 23, from england, asks:
I am very good friends with a guy from work. He recently split from his wife after cheating on her. Soon after we started seeing each other, we got on really well and had a good time. Soon after this he told me he only wanted to be friends as he could never see us as a couple even though he said he really likes me and misses me a lot. I have seen him since and things have continued to happen between us even though he only wants to be friends. I know he is still confused and upset from what he did to his wife and family but I have fallen for him and I don't know what to do or what he is thinking, please help.
VictorM's advice:
Be just a friend and keep a little distance until he sorts things out with his wife. It's better for him and it's better for you if you remain friends for now. The last thing you want is to get further involved with a guy who is still "confused and upset" about his wife. She might take him back. Even if he's not in love with her, he'll most likely want a different ending to the relationship first before he jumps on to someone else.
I don't know what you mean by "things have continued to happen between us" but you're setting yourself up for disappointment. There's a good chance that you're just his comfort friend. Like ice cream after a bad day.
I am very good friends with a guy from work. He recently split from his wife after cheating on her. Soon after we started seeing each other, we got on really well and had a good time. Soon after this he told me he only wanted to be friends as he could never see us as a couple even though he said he really likes me and misses me a lot. I have seen him since and things have continued to happen between us even though he only wants to be friends. I know he is still confused and upset from what he did to his wife and family but I have fallen for him and I don't know what to do or what he is thinking, please help.
VictorM's advice:
Be just a friend and keep a little distance until he sorts things out with his wife. It's better for him and it's better for you if you remain friends for now. The last thing you want is to get further involved with a guy who is still "confused and upset" about his wife. She might take him back. Even if he's not in love with her, he'll most likely want a different ending to the relationship first before he jumps on to someone else.
I don't know what you mean by "things have continued to happen between us" but you're setting yourself up for disappointment. There's a good chance that you're just his comfort friend. Like ice cream after a bad day.
He talked mainly about her qualities
Katelin, 21, from Texas, asks:
My guy friend, which I am really close with, met my mom and she said that all he did was mainly talk about me and my good qualities. They were suppose to be talking about her and working out. Now my mom is saying things like he likes me. What gives, I never thought he would like me. Does he?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he does like you romantically but maybe not. He doesn't have to be in love with you to recognize your qualities, specially when talking to your mother. So don't jump to conclusions.
What gives is your mother may be reading more into it than there is. But of course, maybe she's not. Either way, I don't know why you'd think he would never like you. Good friendships often turn into great relationships.
Don't assume anything, open your eyes, and who knows... like Marc Anthony's song says:
All the while you were in front of me I never realized
I just can't believe I didn't see it in your eyes
I didn't see it, I can't believe it
Oh but I feel it
My guy friend, which I am really close with, met my mom and she said that all he did was mainly talk about me and my good qualities. They were suppose to be talking about her and working out. Now my mom is saying things like he likes me. What gives, I never thought he would like me. Does he?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he does like you romantically but maybe not. He doesn't have to be in love with you to recognize your qualities, specially when talking to your mother. So don't jump to conclusions.
What gives is your mother may be reading more into it than there is. But of course, maybe she's not. Either way, I don't know why you'd think he would never like you. Good friendships often turn into great relationships.
Don't assume anything, open your eyes, and who knows... like Marc Anthony's song says:
All the while you were in front of me I never realized
I just can't believe I didn't see it in your eyes
I didn't see it, I can't believe it
Oh but I feel it
She's willing to take things slow... yarite!
Roseann, 24, from AOL, asks:
I've been going out with this guy about three times know, everytime we go out he always pays for me, seems interested, he held my hand and put his arm around me. He's not good with the phone though but we keep contact on aim. He asked me out twice as a double date kind of thing but only went out alone together once and I asked. I met him through an old girlfriend of mine who he knows very well cause it's her boyfriend's brother. She went ahead and asked him if he kissed me yet and he responded he's working his way up there but he wants to take things slow. I'm saying to myself he probably is not interested and didn't know what to say. So I'm like, what is that suppose to mean? I like him very much and he seems different and understanding compared to most guys I've dated. He's definitely worth a shot and we have and awesome connection when we hangout. I'm willing to take things slow I just hope he goes foward instead of reverse.
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could lose interest at any time, but it is also most common for guys to want to go slowly before they get too involved and realize that you're not what they wanted. Sounds like this guy is going about it with that in mind.
The problem is that what girls and guys thinking of "going slow" differs quite a bit. The mere fact that after only 3 dates, only one of which alone and no kissing yet, you are writing to me wondering already what he might be thinking shows that as much as you say you're willing to go slow, you probably are not. Not in a guy's time frame anyway. I don't mean to say that I doubt your sincerity; I just mean your definition of slow is totally different than most guys.
I've been going out with this guy about three times know, everytime we go out he always pays for me, seems interested, he held my hand and put his arm around me. He's not good with the phone though but we keep contact on aim. He asked me out twice as a double date kind of thing but only went out alone together once and I asked. I met him through an old girlfriend of mine who he knows very well cause it's her boyfriend's brother. She went ahead and asked him if he kissed me yet and he responded he's working his way up there but he wants to take things slow. I'm saying to myself he probably is not interested and didn't know what to say. So I'm like, what is that suppose to mean? I like him very much and he seems different and understanding compared to most guys I've dated. He's definitely worth a shot and we have and awesome connection when we hangout. I'm willing to take things slow I just hope he goes foward instead of reverse.
VictorM's advice:
Of course he could lose interest at any time, but it is also most common for guys to want to go slowly before they get too involved and realize that you're not what they wanted. Sounds like this guy is going about it with that in mind.
The problem is that what girls and guys thinking of "going slow" differs quite a bit. The mere fact that after only 3 dates, only one of which alone and no kissing yet, you are writing to me wondering already what he might be thinking shows that as much as you say you're willing to go slow, you probably are not. Not in a guy's time frame anyway. I don't mean to say that I doubt your sincerity; I just mean your definition of slow is totally different than most guys.
He has the urge to talk to other women
Shae, 19, from NC, asks:
I have been in relationship with a guy for 3 1/2 years and we have a child together, she will be one in September. The other day he told me that he looks at other women (which isn't that big of a deal because if he didn't we would have a problem) but he said he also has the urge to talk to other women. He said he's never actually talked to any but he has the urge to. He also says he wants to be with me and he loves me but doesn't know how to stop the urge. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It's not very clear to me what you mean by "talk to other women," but unless there's more to that expression that I'm not getting, it means he's a normal guy. You didn't say he's interested in seeing, dating, or having sex with other women, you said "talk".
Talk about what? Why doesn't he talk to them now? Don't you two have female friends? Does he have female coworkers?
Maybe you could write back and be a little more specific about what this talking to other women really means.
I have been in relationship with a guy for 3 1/2 years and we have a child together, she will be one in September. The other day he told me that he looks at other women (which isn't that big of a deal because if he didn't we would have a problem) but he said he also has the urge to talk to other women. He said he's never actually talked to any but he has the urge to. He also says he wants to be with me and he loves me but doesn't know how to stop the urge. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It's not very clear to me what you mean by "talk to other women," but unless there's more to that expression that I'm not getting, it means he's a normal guy. You didn't say he's interested in seeing, dating, or having sex with other women, you said "talk".
Talk about what? Why doesn't he talk to them now? Don't you two have female friends? Does he have female coworkers?
Maybe you could write back and be a little more specific about what this talking to other women really means.
Her crush found out she likes him
Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:
Hey VictorM,
My crush Matt found out I like him, and he told his gal pal, Taylor (she’s my friend too) that he doesn’t really mind that I like him. I hung out with him and his friends and my friends yesterday night at the pool and he didn’t act any different than usual. We don’t talk a lot (actually, almost not at all—but don’t ridicule me for that!), and I’ve only just started hanging out around him a week or so ago. I overreact sometimes, and I feel like he hates me, even though Taylor says he really doesn’t care. What should I do to get him to warm up to me? I don’t really know if I want him as a boyfriend, but it would be great to get to know him. Should I do something or just let it go? What will impress him without making everything more awkward than it is? I'm good at flirting with guys, but with Matt I'm at a loss. HELP!!!
VictorM's advice:
Ahhh Kate, so many boys, so little time. :)
I'm not so sure flirting would work too well with Matt. Since you know Taylor, find out from her what Matt is into the most (like a certain video game, sport, music, etc.) and when you talk to him ask him to explain something about that which he knows a lot. Boys love to show off to girls. Even shy guys can turn into motor mouths if they are talking about something they know a lot about. And they love being around people who show interest in what they like.
Also, pay him "sss" compliments. That is, short, sincere, and subtle. Things like "Thanks Matt, you made it so clear," or "wow Matt, you know so much." By the way, a little tip: try to use the word "so" into your compliments. "You're so smart" works better than "You're smart". "That shirt looks so good on you"... the "so" adds more sizzle. Of course, follow it with a smile.
Maybe I should call it "sssss" compliments: short, sincere, subtle, with sizzle and a smile.
Now go get him -- you so can do it Kate, because you are so irresistible. :)
Hey VictorM,
My crush Matt found out I like him, and he told his gal pal, Taylor (she’s my friend too) that he doesn’t really mind that I like him. I hung out with him and his friends and my friends yesterday night at the pool and he didn’t act any different than usual. We don’t talk a lot (actually, almost not at all—but don’t ridicule me for that!), and I’ve only just started hanging out around him a week or so ago. I overreact sometimes, and I feel like he hates me, even though Taylor says he really doesn’t care. What should I do to get him to warm up to me? I don’t really know if I want him as a boyfriend, but it would be great to get to know him. Should I do something or just let it go? What will impress him without making everything more awkward than it is? I'm good at flirting with guys, but with Matt I'm at a loss. HELP!!!
VictorM's advice:
Ahhh Kate, so many boys, so little time. :)
I'm not so sure flirting would work too well with Matt. Since you know Taylor, find out from her what Matt is into the most (like a certain video game, sport, music, etc.) and when you talk to him ask him to explain something about that which he knows a lot. Boys love to show off to girls. Even shy guys can turn into motor mouths if they are talking about something they know a lot about. And they love being around people who show interest in what they like.
Also, pay him "sss" compliments. That is, short, sincere, and subtle. Things like "Thanks Matt, you made it so clear," or "wow Matt, you know so much." By the way, a little tip: try to use the word "so" into your compliments. "You're so smart" works better than "You're smart". "That shirt looks so good on you"... the "so" adds more sizzle. Of course, follow it with a smile.
Maybe I should call it "sssss" compliments: short, sincere, subtle, with sizzle and a smile.
Now go get him -- you so can do it Kate, because you are so irresistible. :)
Saturday, July 28, 2007
I can call you Betty... You can call me Al
Jane, 14, asks:
What would guys like to be called? Would they like to be called Hot? Handsome? Sexy? or others?
VictorM's advice:
Most guys like being called god. As in "oh god, yessss! yessss!!!"
Seriously, guys seldom get the compliments that girls do, so any of those words are fine, particularly in your age group. I think the word most commonly used at older ages is "handsome". It implies not only good physical looks but also a sense of style.
You could also try "a hunk, a hunk of burning love". That one works for me. :)
What would guys like to be called? Would they like to be called Hot? Handsome? Sexy? or others?
VictorM's advice:
Most guys like being called god. As in "oh god, yessss! yessss!!!"
Seriously, guys seldom get the compliments that girls do, so any of those words are fine, particularly in your age group. I think the word most commonly used at older ages is "handsome". It implies not only good physical looks but also a sense of style.
You could also try "a hunk, a hunk of burning love". That one works for me. :)
Walnut update
Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:
Hey Victor,
My baby will be due in less than two weeks’ time. My ex didn’t really get involve in the pregnancy. He didn’t go to ante natal class, parenting class, ultra sound scan or see the midwife with me. We only have a few phone calls since I moved out.
There is one thing keep bugging me. He owns me money for nearly a year. Every month he said he would pay me back when he gets pay, but nothing happens. He broke up with me and made me moved out; at the time he knew I didn’t have any saving of my own. I stayed at friends’ parents’ house for a few weeks to save money for moving out. Now he is still bushing me that he will return me money and he knows I will go on unpaid maternity leave from next week. He and his new girl friend live in the house, which I paid for the bond (under his name; this is different from the 1 year debt). One thing he did good for me is that he let to use his car (possible equal the bond value). I feel this is very unfair to me. I know I can take some legal action to get my money back, although now I have saved enough money for the maternity leave. I concern if I do take him to court, he will hate me obviously, and then this may affect his relationship with baby…What should I do that I can feel fair and it will not affect baby?
In addition, he promised he will share half of the baby costs. He didn’t give me any money so far. He did get baby some stuff. Here I can get child support money from him through the tax man. We haven’t discussed anything. Money is something he doesn’t like to talk about, even when we lived together. I can foresee if I ask him money directly. He might tell me he will pay and pay nothing at end of the day. But again, he said before he hates the tax man things. And I don’t want this to affect the baby and his relationship.
I don’t have family in this country. He always said he love the baby. He has a big family. If he bring baby to his family, baby will have grandpa, grandma, aunties, uncles and many cousins. I had met his family a few times; they were all very nice to me. But I haven’t met them since I got pregnant. They haven’t approached me so far. Someone suggested I should contact them directly once I have baby. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
Good to hear from you.
Since you have met his family I see nothing wrong with informing them of the birth of the child. I'm not sure what your goal is, but the money situation is between you and him, not you and his family. So keep them out of that.
Walnut, you so want what's best for your child that you're allowing yourself to be manipulated. Look, you can't buy his love for the child. You can't be walking on eggs when you deal with him because you think he won't care for the baby. If his "love" for the baby is so superficial, believe me, it won't help your child. I can understand you wanting him to love the child, but that shouldn't change whether you take him to court or not for getting your money back.
Now, depending on the amount of money he owes you, you may want to consider it a loss and stop dwelling on it. But if the amount of money is significant, go to court. In any case, you should go to court for the child support. He has to live up to his obligations as the father. Do not accept just his word! He has already demonstrated he can't be trusted.
Walnut, think hard about this: is your willingness to accept his word because you think it's what's best for the baby or is it that you don't want to do anything that will get him mad at you? It wouldn't be uncommon for someone in your situation to just have a reason to be in personal contact with him all the time and calling him about money gives you that reason.
In any case, get the child support payments legalized.
Hey Victor,
My baby will be due in less than two weeks’ time. My ex didn’t really get involve in the pregnancy. He didn’t go to ante natal class, parenting class, ultra sound scan or see the midwife with me. We only have a few phone calls since I moved out.
There is one thing keep bugging me. He owns me money for nearly a year. Every month he said he would pay me back when he gets pay, but nothing happens. He broke up with me and made me moved out; at the time he knew I didn’t have any saving of my own. I stayed at friends’ parents’ house for a few weeks to save money for moving out. Now he is still bushing me that he will return me money and he knows I will go on unpaid maternity leave from next week. He and his new girl friend live in the house, which I paid for the bond (under his name; this is different from the 1 year debt). One thing he did good for me is that he let to use his car (possible equal the bond value). I feel this is very unfair to me. I know I can take some legal action to get my money back, although now I have saved enough money for the maternity leave. I concern if I do take him to court, he will hate me obviously, and then this may affect his relationship with baby…What should I do that I can feel fair and it will not affect baby?
In addition, he promised he will share half of the baby costs. He didn’t give me any money so far. He did get baby some stuff. Here I can get child support money from him through the tax man. We haven’t discussed anything. Money is something he doesn’t like to talk about, even when we lived together. I can foresee if I ask him money directly. He might tell me he will pay and pay nothing at end of the day. But again, he said before he hates the tax man things. And I don’t want this to affect the baby and his relationship.
I don’t have family in this country. He always said he love the baby. He has a big family. If he bring baby to his family, baby will have grandpa, grandma, aunties, uncles and many cousins. I had met his family a few times; they were all very nice to me. But I haven’t met them since I got pregnant. They haven’t approached me so far. Someone suggested I should contact them directly once I have baby. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
Good to hear from you.
Since you have met his family I see nothing wrong with informing them of the birth of the child. I'm not sure what your goal is, but the money situation is between you and him, not you and his family. So keep them out of that.
Walnut, you so want what's best for your child that you're allowing yourself to be manipulated. Look, you can't buy his love for the child. You can't be walking on eggs when you deal with him because you think he won't care for the baby. If his "love" for the baby is so superficial, believe me, it won't help your child. I can understand you wanting him to love the child, but that shouldn't change whether you take him to court or not for getting your money back.
Now, depending on the amount of money he owes you, you may want to consider it a loss and stop dwelling on it. But if the amount of money is significant, go to court. In any case, you should go to court for the child support. He has to live up to his obligations as the father. Do not accept just his word! He has already demonstrated he can't be trusted.
Walnut, think hard about this: is your willingness to accept his word because you think it's what's best for the baby or is it that you don't want to do anything that will get him mad at you? It wouldn't be uncommon for someone in your situation to just have a reason to be in personal contact with him all the time and calling him about money gives you that reason.
In any case, get the child support payments legalized.
A great man and masturbator
Erica, 27, from San Diego, CA, asks:
I am 27 and engaged to a great man who is 30. We are getting married next year and I couldn't be happier. My question is about the differences in the genders when it comes to masturbation. Do you think that men and women do it for different reasons? I used to quite regularly until about 7 months ago when HE proposed that we both make a pact to stop and focus our energies and attention on each other. This is in addition to religious reasons on his part, as he is a devout Catholic and tries very hard to "play by the rules". I agreed and have been very successful although it has been difficult for me, as it was something I had done regularly for years. I have not slipped once *knock on wood*. He however slips up about once a week and tells me about it. I appreciate his honesty, but I'm wondering why it's so much more difficult for him than it is for me. We have a very active love life (at least 7x week).
He says that it happens when he's stressed about work (he works from home) and for him, doing it is like hitting the reset button. When he's very stressed or frustrated or feeling overwhelmed, he'll give in. He said that it's not even necessarily a sexual thing. He also uses porn, which wouldn't normally bother me because we used to use it together, but now I find that it's making me feel inadequate. I am frustrated that he expects me to abide by this pact (that was HIS idea to begin with) but he cannot stick with it himself. I even proposed just throwing the whole pact thing out the window and just going back to the way things were (where it was a regular occurrence) and he doesn't want that. He wants to keep trying and expects me to do the same.
Is this common male behavior? Do guys do this for nonsexual reasons? How can it be nonsexual when there is porn involved? Why is it that I seem to have better self-control than he does? Does he get a "get out of jail free" card simply because he's a man? Any feedback would be very helpful.
VictorM's advice:
He gets a "get out of jail free" not because he's a man, but because you allow it. Don't blame anyone else. Take responsibility for accepting whatever role you have accepted in the relationship and for being party to such a lopsided deal.
You have better control because masturbating/sex in general isn't purely physical for females as it is for guys. With him, as with many guys, it's almost a habit, like people who bite their nails. Guys often get an erection for seemingly nothing -- leaning on a desk, seeing a sexy ad, the slightest hint of cleavage, accidental rubbing of his genitals, etc. -- but come on, viewing porn isn't sexual? Stroking his penis isn't sexual? Of course it is. He's fibbing to avoid confronting his weakness.
So the "devout Catholic" says his masturbating isn't even a sex thing... he views porn... he has a double standard when it comes to you and him... he's depriving you of something harmless that you enjoy... you know, Erica, you have set a very low bar for what a "great man" is.
This isn't about his masturbating habits or yours, this is about your role in the relationship and how much your views count, or as is the case here, don't count. His religion aside -- that's something between him and his conscience -- his masturbating habit sounds pretty normal. It's the bullshit he's dishing your way that you should worry about. Masturbating is common behavior for men; behaving like he's doing is common for hypocrites.
I am 27 and engaged to a great man who is 30. We are getting married next year and I couldn't be happier. My question is about the differences in the genders when it comes to masturbation. Do you think that men and women do it for different reasons? I used to quite regularly until about 7 months ago when HE proposed that we both make a pact to stop and focus our energies and attention on each other. This is in addition to religious reasons on his part, as he is a devout Catholic and tries very hard to "play by the rules". I agreed and have been very successful although it has been difficult for me, as it was something I had done regularly for years. I have not slipped once *knock on wood*. He however slips up about once a week and tells me about it. I appreciate his honesty, but I'm wondering why it's so much more difficult for him than it is for me. We have a very active love life (at least 7x week).
He says that it happens when he's stressed about work (he works from home) and for him, doing it is like hitting the reset button. When he's very stressed or frustrated or feeling overwhelmed, he'll give in. He said that it's not even necessarily a sexual thing. He also uses porn, which wouldn't normally bother me because we used to use it together, but now I find that it's making me feel inadequate. I am frustrated that he expects me to abide by this pact (that was HIS idea to begin with) but he cannot stick with it himself. I even proposed just throwing the whole pact thing out the window and just going back to the way things were (where it was a regular occurrence) and he doesn't want that. He wants to keep trying and expects me to do the same.
Is this common male behavior? Do guys do this for nonsexual reasons? How can it be nonsexual when there is porn involved? Why is it that I seem to have better self-control than he does? Does he get a "get out of jail free" card simply because he's a man? Any feedback would be very helpful.
VictorM's advice:
He gets a "get out of jail free" not because he's a man, but because you allow it. Don't blame anyone else. Take responsibility for accepting whatever role you have accepted in the relationship and for being party to such a lopsided deal.
You have better control because masturbating/sex in general isn't purely physical for females as it is for guys. With him, as with many guys, it's almost a habit, like people who bite their nails. Guys often get an erection for seemingly nothing -- leaning on a desk, seeing a sexy ad, the slightest hint of cleavage, accidental rubbing of his genitals, etc. -- but come on, viewing porn isn't sexual? Stroking his penis isn't sexual? Of course it is. He's fibbing to avoid confronting his weakness.
So the "devout Catholic" says his masturbating isn't even a sex thing... he views porn... he has a double standard when it comes to you and him... he's depriving you of something harmless that you enjoy... you know, Erica, you have set a very low bar for what a "great man" is.
This isn't about his masturbating habits or yours, this is about your role in the relationship and how much your views count, or as is the case here, don't count. His religion aside -- that's something between him and his conscience -- his masturbating habit sounds pretty normal. It's the bullshit he's dishing your way that you should worry about. Masturbating is common behavior for men; behaving like he's doing is common for hypocrites.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Old Enough to Know Better
Old Enough to Know Better, 58, from California, asks:
Hi Victor,
Just to prove that idiocy can happen to anyone at any age, here's my story: I met this guy about 4 months ago. At first he was very into me, said he had a big crush, was eager to be with me, called frequently, paid me lots of attention, etc. However, he had all these problems. He said he was a caregiver for his cousin on weekends so we could never see each other then. (That situation was supposed to clear up 'soon'.) After the first month, he said he had changed jobs and now was working 2 - 10 p.m. However, we could still see each other after he got off work if I wanted. And he would take time off work or away from his cousin now and then to be with me. He never took any time off work. He had loads of financial problems and I let him borrow money. He was financially supporting his sick mama and helping his son through college and had back taxes due. He had health problems due to all the stress in his life. He did call me several times a day, but usually it was to complain about all his problems. Eventually I got tired of the midnight visits and started asking to go out. No need to spend money, I said. How about you take a little time off and we take a walk and hold hands or go out for a cup of coffee and talk? He always said yes, but then he didn't do it. A few days ago, I finally gave him the boot. Of course, like all the kids say, "he was such a sweet guy" and we had a great physical attraction for each other. I feel heartbroken, but I'll get over it. There is a remote possibility that he will pay me back the money I loaned him. So, see? Fools come in all ages.
VictorM's comment:
Thanks for sharing. We're never too old to learn.
Hi Victor,
Just to prove that idiocy can happen to anyone at any age, here's my story: I met this guy about 4 months ago. At first he was very into me, said he had a big crush, was eager to be with me, called frequently, paid me lots of attention, etc. However, he had all these problems. He said he was a caregiver for his cousin on weekends so we could never see each other then. (That situation was supposed to clear up 'soon'.) After the first month, he said he had changed jobs and now was working 2 - 10 p.m. However, we could still see each other after he got off work if I wanted. And he would take time off work or away from his cousin now and then to be with me. He never took any time off work. He had loads of financial problems and I let him borrow money. He was financially supporting his sick mama and helping his son through college and had back taxes due. He had health problems due to all the stress in his life. He did call me several times a day, but usually it was to complain about all his problems. Eventually I got tired of the midnight visits and started asking to go out. No need to spend money, I said. How about you take a little time off and we take a walk and hold hands or go out for a cup of coffee and talk? He always said yes, but then he didn't do it. A few days ago, I finally gave him the boot. Of course, like all the kids say, "he was such a sweet guy" and we had a great physical attraction for each other. I feel heartbroken, but I'll get over it. There is a remote possibility that he will pay me back the money I loaned him. So, see? Fools come in all ages.
VictorM's comment:
Thanks for sharing. We're never too old to learn.
She has super strong feelings for him
samantha, 22, from USA, asks:
I wrote last week and you answered my question then but now I have another one. I have this guy friend that I have been super close to for about 6 years. I have super strong feelings for him and I love him dearly. Recently I have seperated from my husband of 4 years and my friend told me that he loved me. Well, a couple of days later he said that he didn't believe that I would leave my husband (which I have) and that he doesn't really love me. I am so confused. Is he just playing some kind of game with me? He has never revealed his true feelings to me before. Could you help?
VictorM's advice:
It's possible that he said that he loved you as a way to boost your ego and that bluff is coming back to haunt him. But I think it's more likely that he did feel something for you, which he was free to verbalize from the safety of you being unavailable. But once your situation changed he realized that his feelings weren't strong enough to hook up with you, specially so soon. Maybe he's just scared to rush into something with you. I wouldn't blame him for that.
You're just getting off a relationship. Don't rush into another. I suggest you let him know that you're OK with how he feels now and that you're just looking for friendship at this time. If he's that close to you and you think highly of him, having him around can't hurt. And who knows, once you put some distance between yourself and your ex, this guy might come around and allow his true feelings for you to surface. Even if this never happens, at least you have a close friend around.
I wrote last week and you answered my question then but now I have another one. I have this guy friend that I have been super close to for about 6 years. I have super strong feelings for him and I love him dearly. Recently I have seperated from my husband of 4 years and my friend told me that he loved me. Well, a couple of days later he said that he didn't believe that I would leave my husband (which I have) and that he doesn't really love me. I am so confused. Is he just playing some kind of game with me? He has never revealed his true feelings to me before. Could you help?
VictorM's advice:
It's possible that he said that he loved you as a way to boost your ego and that bluff is coming back to haunt him. But I think it's more likely that he did feel something for you, which he was free to verbalize from the safety of you being unavailable. But once your situation changed he realized that his feelings weren't strong enough to hook up with you, specially so soon. Maybe he's just scared to rush into something with you. I wouldn't blame him for that.
You're just getting off a relationship. Don't rush into another. I suggest you let him know that you're OK with how he feels now and that you're just looking for friendship at this time. If he's that close to you and you think highly of him, having him around can't hurt. And who knows, once you put some distance between yourself and your ex, this guy might come around and allow his true feelings for you to surface. Even if this never happens, at least you have a close friend around.
Confused Emotions in New Zealand
Confused Emotions, 19, from New Zealand, asks:
Ok so I'm in this situation where I met this great guy just over a month ago, and now I really like him, I think we have great chemistry, we mix well. Anyway, I wasn't really getting anywere, as in he wasn't asking me out. So I was talking to my friend and she suggested I ask him out. So I did, I asked him, and he said "I suppose we could go out sometime."
Well since then I have seen him once, and I was texting him a few days ago and I asked him if he was actually interested in me because he kept making excuses, and he said that he wasn't really looking for that at the moment. Couldn't he have told me that earlier and saved me the ache? So why would he do that? Is he playing a game? I haven't given him any reason, I haven't slept with him.
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not a game. Yes, he could have told you, but guys avoid being blunt with girls hoping that they get subtle hints. Frankly, I think he was just polite the first time around and you ignored the hints.
Let it be a lesson for the future that most guys are going to avoid telling you the truth if they think the truth will hurt your feelings. It's just the way it is.
Ok so I'm in this situation where I met this great guy just over a month ago, and now I really like him, I think we have great chemistry, we mix well. Anyway, I wasn't really getting anywere, as in he wasn't asking me out. So I was talking to my friend and she suggested I ask him out. So I did, I asked him, and he said "I suppose we could go out sometime."
Well since then I have seen him once, and I was texting him a few days ago and I asked him if he was actually interested in me because he kept making excuses, and he said that he wasn't really looking for that at the moment. Couldn't he have told me that earlier and saved me the ache? So why would he do that? Is he playing a game? I haven't given him any reason, I haven't slept with him.
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not a game. Yes, he could have told you, but guys avoid being blunt with girls hoping that they get subtle hints. Frankly, I think he was just polite the first time around and you ignored the hints.
Let it be a lesson for the future that most guys are going to avoid telling you the truth if they think the truth will hurt your feelings. It's just the way it is.
What is the quickest way to forget him?
Karina, 16, from NJ, asks:
I'm back, the boy that I had an open relationship with, the same boy that wasn't into me at first, left to Israel and came back 2 days ago and didn't call me. I bumped into him when we were at a group outing. We started talking, the next day he came over and we spent the whole day together.
Getting to the point.. we were at my house with a few friends and he was all over me. Then we went to our other friends house with the same people, and he whispered in my ear he doesn't want to be affectionate around people. I said ok, got mad and didn't pay attention to him. He texted me asking if I got home ok because I left early, and I told him I needed to speak with him. He called me when he got home, and I told him that I don't want a relationship either, because he's always complaining he doesn't want to break my heart and I laid everything out to him telling him both our situations, he apologized and felt stupid. He made up a different excuse saying I am to inexperienced and I told him I am still willing to hook up with him so he could call me if he wants. He told me he has no obligation and we said goodnight.
Today he didn't call me, and our friends were planning to go to his house but I think he didn't want me there so my girls and I ended up staying out with one of our mutual friends, while him and his other boy went to his house. The thing is, I don't even know if I want to be with him. For someone who doesn't want a relationship he always asks me about guys I hook up with and information. I can tell he cares just as much as I do, in fact maybe a little bit more. He went to Israel and didn't get with anyone.
I think I want him back, and I don't know if I should contact him or even if its good for me. I didn't realize that I do have feelings for him and he told me if I ever did to let him know so we could call it quits. And if I shouldn't call or text or anything.. what is the quickest way to forget him?
VictorM's advice:
Why should you try to forget him? You like him, he likes you, you're not wanting to get married and have kids in the foreseeable future, right? So why complicated things? Spent time with the guy. Go places with him. Have fun. Enjoy his company.
See, I think guys get this right and girls get it wrong. When two people feel an attraction and are starting to get to know each other, why does it have to be a "relationship"? Why can't the "relationship" part wait until you two spend some more time together and know each other better? When he says he doesn't want to break your heart, he means he doesn't know you well enough to be sure a relationship is going to work out. It makes sense to me. Take it easy and just have fun with him for a while.
He wasn't comfortable being affectionate in front of people. And for good reason -- you're not boyfriend/girlfriend yet. I give him a lot of credit for saying it. I don't see why you had to get upset about it when he has been honest and direct with you all along.
And another thing... when your friends went to his house, you said "but I think he didn't want me". This kind of thinking can complicate things that don't need complication. You don't know what he wanted or didn't want. Your assumption is a reflection of what you're thinking, not what he's thinking.
Look, the boy likes you and you like him. It's summer time in glorious New Jersey. Go to the shore together. Walk hand in hand on the boardwalk. Share an ice cream cone. Laugh. Enjoy each other's company. Life really isn't THAT complicated. Don't make it so.
I'm back, the boy that I had an open relationship with, the same boy that wasn't into me at first, left to Israel and came back 2 days ago and didn't call me. I bumped into him when we were at a group outing. We started talking, the next day he came over and we spent the whole day together.
Getting to the point.. we were at my house with a few friends and he was all over me. Then we went to our other friends house with the same people, and he whispered in my ear he doesn't want to be affectionate around people. I said ok, got mad and didn't pay attention to him. He texted me asking if I got home ok because I left early, and I told him I needed to speak with him. He called me when he got home, and I told him that I don't want a relationship either, because he's always complaining he doesn't want to break my heart and I laid everything out to him telling him both our situations, he apologized and felt stupid. He made up a different excuse saying I am to inexperienced and I told him I am still willing to hook up with him so he could call me if he wants. He told me he has no obligation and we said goodnight.
Today he didn't call me, and our friends were planning to go to his house but I think he didn't want me there so my girls and I ended up staying out with one of our mutual friends, while him and his other boy went to his house. The thing is, I don't even know if I want to be with him. For someone who doesn't want a relationship he always asks me about guys I hook up with and information. I can tell he cares just as much as I do, in fact maybe a little bit more. He went to Israel and didn't get with anyone.
I think I want him back, and I don't know if I should contact him or even if its good for me. I didn't realize that I do have feelings for him and he told me if I ever did to let him know so we could call it quits. And if I shouldn't call or text or anything.. what is the quickest way to forget him?
VictorM's advice:
Why should you try to forget him? You like him, he likes you, you're not wanting to get married and have kids in the foreseeable future, right? So why complicated things? Spent time with the guy. Go places with him. Have fun. Enjoy his company.
See, I think guys get this right and girls get it wrong. When two people feel an attraction and are starting to get to know each other, why does it have to be a "relationship"? Why can't the "relationship" part wait until you two spend some more time together and know each other better? When he says he doesn't want to break your heart, he means he doesn't know you well enough to be sure a relationship is going to work out. It makes sense to me. Take it easy and just have fun with him for a while.
He wasn't comfortable being affectionate in front of people. And for good reason -- you're not boyfriend/girlfriend yet. I give him a lot of credit for saying it. I don't see why you had to get upset about it when he has been honest and direct with you all along.
And another thing... when your friends went to his house, you said "but I think he didn't want me". This kind of thinking can complicate things that don't need complication. You don't know what he wanted or didn't want. Your assumption is a reflection of what you're thinking, not what he's thinking.
Look, the boy likes you and you like him. It's summer time in glorious New Jersey. Go to the shore together. Walk hand in hand on the boardwalk. Share an ice cream cone. Laugh. Enjoy each other's company. Life really isn't THAT complicated. Don't make it so.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
He is being super sweet
Sara, 21, from Roanoke, asks:
I really, really like this guy and everyone tells me that he likes me too. We played baseball together. He was sweet, yet I would always catch him staring at me, no matter where he was, watching me and giving me this really serious "mean" look. Whenever I looked at him, he would look right at me until one of us looked away. He always did this when another guy talked to me. Now, he is being super sweet to me whenever he sees me...what gives?
VictorM's answer:
Sara, are you trying to get a job with the Bush administration? How else can you explain being so clueless about something so obvious?
Stop asking silly questions and go start working on making future babies with him. That's why he is being so super sweet to you -- he wants you, badly!
I really, really like this guy and everyone tells me that he likes me too. We played baseball together. He was sweet, yet I would always catch him staring at me, no matter where he was, watching me and giving me this really serious "mean" look. Whenever I looked at him, he would look right at me until one of us looked away. He always did this when another guy talked to me. Now, he is being super sweet to me whenever he sees me...what gives?
VictorM's answer:
Sara, are you trying to get a job with the Bush administration? How else can you explain being so clueless about something so obvious?
Stop asking silly questions and go start working on making future babies with him. That's why he is being so super sweet to you -- he wants you, badly!
Her boyfriend can be a pain sometimes
Sammi, 14, from LA, asks:
I have a boyfriend and he's 15. He can be a pain sometimes. Every time on msn I say something meaningful to him, he'll just say ok. Sometimes he says stuff about my picture like "you scared me" and that I look scary, he doesn't compliment me much. I care for him, and whenever he feels bad I'll try to make him happy. He admits that he's a bad boyfriend but I always tell him not to think like that. I don't know what to do with him, sometimes I think he'll never get it. Sometimes I want to break up with him, but I can't because I love him too much. Any advice?
Thanks Victor.
VictorM's advice:
Far too many adult men are the way you describe. More so when they are teenagers. Some of it is a reflection of how things are at home. If they aren't used to getting complimented at home, they don't know how to handle a compliment, hence just the "ok" answer. If they are made fun off, that's all they know to do, so he does it to you.
It won't be easy, but you can try to train him a little bit. For example, when he says "you're scary" (he's just acting on learned behavior, it's not really what he thinks of you) patiently say something like "I know you're just joking but I would prefer you didn't say that. If you have nothing good to say about my picture, say nothing, but if you like it, I would love it if you said so." Don't say it in an angry tone of voice, but if you are this direct, he might, just might, start changing a bit. But don't go getting your hopes too high. It won't be easy for him.
Don't be too pushy, but you can try to train him that it's OK to express his feelings, to express his pleasure, to compliment you, not by yelling at him or telling him off, but by giving him positive encouragement. Don't over do it either. Guys are happiest with simple compliments. For example, if he does say "you look nice in that picture", just give him a smile, a kiss, anda blowjob say thanks. That's all. Keep the encouragement simple because you don't want to embarrass him.
I have a boyfriend and he's 15. He can be a pain sometimes. Every time on msn I say something meaningful to him, he'll just say ok. Sometimes he says stuff about my picture like "you scared me" and that I look scary, he doesn't compliment me much. I care for him, and whenever he feels bad I'll try to make him happy. He admits that he's a bad boyfriend but I always tell him not to think like that. I don't know what to do with him, sometimes I think he'll never get it. Sometimes I want to break up with him, but I can't because I love him too much. Any advice?
Thanks Victor.
VictorM's advice:
Far too many adult men are the way you describe. More so when they are teenagers. Some of it is a reflection of how things are at home. If they aren't used to getting complimented at home, they don't know how to handle a compliment, hence just the "ok" answer. If they are made fun off, that's all they know to do, so he does it to you.
It won't be easy, but you can try to train him a little bit. For example, when he says "you're scary" (he's just acting on learned behavior, it's not really what he thinks of you) patiently say something like "I know you're just joking but I would prefer you didn't say that. If you have nothing good to say about my picture, say nothing, but if you like it, I would love it if you said so." Don't say it in an angry tone of voice, but if you are this direct, he might, just might, start changing a bit. But don't go getting your hopes too high. It won't be easy for him.
Don't be too pushy, but you can try to train him that it's OK to express his feelings, to express his pleasure, to compliment you, not by yelling at him or telling him off, but by giving him positive encouragement. Don't over do it either. Guys are happiest with simple compliments. For example, if he does say "you look nice in that picture", just give him a smile, a kiss, and
When she signs on, he signs off
Anonymous asks:
I'm starting to develop this "like" feeling for this guys I just started talking to. Sometimes I feel like he likes me but I don't want to assume things. He's headed off to college out of state in a few weeks. He's been acting different lately. Every time I sign on Myspace, or aim, he signs off. He doesn't reply back to my messages and whenever I get the chance to talk to him, he seems hesitant to stay! In the beginning he was so in a hurry to talk to me whenever he could, but now, I don't know what's up.
VictorM's answer:
He's not interested in you and is not willing to give you the slightest impression to the contrary. And I can understand why. If you haven't gotten that clue by now, I would be avoiding you too.
Get the clue: he's not interested in you. Leave him alone.
I'm starting to develop this "like" feeling for this guys I just started talking to. Sometimes I feel like he likes me but I don't want to assume things. He's headed off to college out of state in a few weeks. He's been acting different lately. Every time I sign on Myspace, or aim, he signs off. He doesn't reply back to my messages and whenever I get the chance to talk to him, he seems hesitant to stay! In the beginning he was so in a hurry to talk to me whenever he could, but now, I don't know what's up.
VictorM's answer:
He's not interested in you and is not willing to give you the slightest impression to the contrary. And I can understand why. If you haven't gotten that clue by now, I would be avoiding you too.
Get the clue: he's not interested in you. Leave him alone.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Meeting in the library
Kat, 11, from: michagian, asks:
Me and my friend like these two guys and we're suppose to meet them at the library today at 2:00 and we don't know what to say because they know we like them a lot.
VictorM's advice:
You're meeting them at the library? You like to live dangerously, don't you? Don't you know you're suppose to stay quiet in a library or else the mean librarian is going to come after you and rip your arms from your body? You know, librarians are like that.
But, if you talk to the boys outside, you can discuss the Harry Potter book and movie, talk about video games, and giggle a lot. Boys love that.
Me and my friend like these two guys and we're suppose to meet them at the library today at 2:00 and we don't know what to say because they know we like them a lot.
VictorM's advice:
You're meeting them at the library? You like to live dangerously, don't you? Don't you know you're suppose to stay quiet in a library or else the mean librarian is going to come after you and rip your arms from your body? You know, librarians are like that.
But, if you talk to the boys outside, you can discuss the Harry Potter book and movie, talk about video games, and giggle a lot. Boys love that.
Why isn't he bored yet?
Maggie, 30, from Columbus, OH, asks:
About 3 years ago, I met a guy online in a chat room. We hit it off and after a week of talking online, we met. We didn't make it out of the house, we only made it to the bedroom. Since then, our relationship has been strictly sexual. Honestly, the best sex of my life and supposedly his. He has only spent the night a handful of times and has never taken me anywhere. I've never seen his place or met any of his friends. He has never met any of mine either. Those are all major problems, but the biggest one is that I actually care for him. The sex continues to get more passionate and better and it is harder and harder for me to say good-bye when he gets dressed and leaves.
Will he ever take me out of the house? I've threatened no blowjobs until we go to out, but I've never held up to it.
And, isn't he bored yet? I thought men needed variety.
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure he would take you out of the house if he wanted sex in public, otherwise, why do it? In an arrangement where sex is the objective what else do you expect?
Who says he's not getting variety? You think you have not met his friends and only see him a few times because the rest of the time he's an altar boy at his local church? A bit naive, perhaps?
Guys are quite capable of having passionate sex without feeling any passion for the person they're fucking. If all a guy sees in a girl is sex, yes, he will get bored at some point. It takes much more than sex to keep his interested going. You're getting emotionally attached at your own risk. You've bought into the role of being a sex object and using sex as a bargaining tool, so don't go expecting much more than that.
About 3 years ago, I met a guy online in a chat room. We hit it off and after a week of talking online, we met. We didn't make it out of the house, we only made it to the bedroom. Since then, our relationship has been strictly sexual. Honestly, the best sex of my life and supposedly his. He has only spent the night a handful of times and has never taken me anywhere. I've never seen his place or met any of his friends. He has never met any of mine either. Those are all major problems, but the biggest one is that I actually care for him. The sex continues to get more passionate and better and it is harder and harder for me to say good-bye when he gets dressed and leaves.
Will he ever take me out of the house? I've threatened no blowjobs until we go to out, but I've never held up to it.
And, isn't he bored yet? I thought men needed variety.
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure he would take you out of the house if he wanted sex in public, otherwise, why do it? In an arrangement where sex is the objective what else do you expect?
Who says he's not getting variety? You think you have not met his friends and only see him a few times because the rest of the time he's an altar boy at his local church? A bit naive, perhaps?
Guys are quite capable of having passionate sex without feeling any passion for the person they're fucking. If all a guy sees in a girl is sex, yes, he will get bored at some point. It takes much more than sex to keep his interested going. You're getting emotionally attached at your own risk. You've bought into the role of being a sex object and using sex as a bargaining tool, so don't go expecting much more than that.
She's not good with words
Sarah, 20, from houston, asks:
I just started talking to this new guy I have been seeing, I really like him and I'm not good with words. I'm wanting to make it more than just dating, but how do I know he feels the same? And how do I, in a round-about-way, ask him?
VictorM's advice:
How do you know if he feels the same? You really don't, but if a guy is willing to date you repeatedly, then there's a good possibility he wants more too. But generally guys prefer to take their time getting to know a girl by dating her for a while informally before committing to a relationship.
Don't ask him; he'll tell you when he's ready. Try to contain your impatience. I believe that during the courtship phase you should move at the pace of the slowest one. So keep your panties on and enjoy the slow ride.
I just started talking to this new guy I have been seeing, I really like him and I'm not good with words. I'm wanting to make it more than just dating, but how do I know he feels the same? And how do I, in a round-about-way, ask him?
VictorM's advice:
How do you know if he feels the same? You really don't, but if a guy is willing to date you repeatedly, then there's a good possibility he wants more too. But generally guys prefer to take their time getting to know a girl by dating her for a while informally before committing to a relationship.
Don't ask him; he'll tell you when he's ready. Try to contain your impatience. I believe that during the courtship phase you should move at the pace of the slowest one. So keep your panties on and enjoy the slow ride.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
He's always acting heartbroken and stuff
Rachel, 13, asks:
I have had crush on this guy that's my brother's best friend. We've been just friends and stuff. He has said hi in school or yelled my name or given me hugs. He's 15 years old. Turning 16 in September. He sleeps over my house a lot. And supposedly he considers me his family. But more family with my brother it seems.
My crush is very good looking. And has a charm and an amazing personality. But, he flirts with girls all the time. I mean ALL the time! He gets depressed easily. Well always. But is hyper and silly sometimes too.
I am an inexperienced with guys. So, last night I think maybe he took advantage of me..
He ended being alone in my living room. I started asking questions. And he told me he thinks he is losing people and he used to get 20 hugs a day. And now only 1 once a few days. So I huged him and stuff. And then we sat on the couch and I held him and sat by him. But we ended up cuddling. Then we ended up laying on the couch cuddling. Then we talked but, eventually he started kissing me and then I kissed him. We sat there a while. He gave me a lot of kisses. But then he tried kissing me with open mouth. But I told him before I left that I am not ready for open mouth. He ended up just huging me. But, I really think I went too fair... or too fast. We're not even dating. It was so weird. And stuff. I am starting to think he just wanted someone to do that with and I mean anyone. He told me he has kissed like 7 girls and four guys or something like that. That's kinda of gross tho. With sooo many people. He's always acting heartbroken and stuff. I need advice about the whole thing. And he told me things. And told me do I get to touch his "breast" and he can't touch mine. Ewl. I think the next time I see him it will be awkward. He didn't get to touch my breasts because I said he can't. But I kissed back and and I don't know the limits...when to stop and put boundaries.
Am I taking this too fair?
I feel horrible..
Should I even be with him?
What if my brother finds out?
I've told 2 people already..my two best friends. But I haven't gotten to tell the other one how I feel like really feel.
I need your advice.
VictorM's advice:
You did nothing to be ashamed of or to feel terrible about. You're 13, a bit curious, and you were trying to help him. And contrary to what you said, you know how to set boundaries -- you told him no open mouth kissing and no touching of your breasts. So... you're a lot braver and smarter than you're giving yourself credit for.
Please do NOT feel like you are responsible for his depression. That's HIS problem, not yours. You're not a therapist and you shouldn't try to play one. We all need hugs but it's not your responsibility to keep everyone happy.
If this event comes up, with him, your brother, or anybody else, you just have to say that you were trying to be a good friend and things got a little out of hand but it won't happen again. Unless, that is, if you'd like it to happen again.
This guy sounds too manipulative. I'm not saying he's a bad kid -- after all, he seems to have behaved the way most boys would -- but the whole needing hugs and if you touch his breasts he should be able to touch yours kinda stuff is pure trickery. Don't fall for it.
But Rachel, overall you did really well. You should be proud of yourself.
I have had crush on this guy that's my brother's best friend. We've been just friends and stuff. He has said hi in school or yelled my name or given me hugs. He's 15 years old. Turning 16 in September. He sleeps over my house a lot. And supposedly he considers me his family. But more family with my brother it seems.
My crush is very good looking. And has a charm and an amazing personality. But, he flirts with girls all the time. I mean ALL the time! He gets depressed easily. Well always. But is hyper and silly sometimes too.
I am an inexperienced with guys. So, last night I think maybe he took advantage of me..
He ended being alone in my living room. I started asking questions. And he told me he thinks he is losing people and he used to get 20 hugs a day. And now only 1 once a few days. So I huged him and stuff. And then we sat on the couch and I held him and sat by him. But we ended up cuddling. Then we ended up laying on the couch cuddling. Then we talked but, eventually he started kissing me and then I kissed him. We sat there a while. He gave me a lot of kisses. But then he tried kissing me with open mouth. But I told him before I left that I am not ready for open mouth. He ended up just huging me. But, I really think I went too fair... or too fast. We're not even dating. It was so weird. And stuff. I am starting to think he just wanted someone to do that with and I mean anyone. He told me he has kissed like 7 girls and four guys or something like that. That's kinda of gross tho. With sooo many people. He's always acting heartbroken and stuff. I need advice about the whole thing. And he told me things. And told me do I get to touch his "breast" and he can't touch mine. Ewl. I think the next time I see him it will be awkward. He didn't get to touch my breasts because I said he can't. But I kissed back and and I don't know the limits...when to stop and put boundaries.
Am I taking this too fair?
I feel horrible..
Should I even be with him?
What if my brother finds out?
I've told 2 people already..my two best friends. But I haven't gotten to tell the other one how I feel like really feel.
I need your advice.
VictorM's advice:
You did nothing to be ashamed of or to feel terrible about. You're 13, a bit curious, and you were trying to help him. And contrary to what you said, you know how to set boundaries -- you told him no open mouth kissing and no touching of your breasts. So... you're a lot braver and smarter than you're giving yourself credit for.
Please do NOT feel like you are responsible for his depression. That's HIS problem, not yours. You're not a therapist and you shouldn't try to play one. We all need hugs but it's not your responsibility to keep everyone happy.
If this event comes up, with him, your brother, or anybody else, you just have to say that you were trying to be a good friend and things got a little out of hand but it won't happen again. Unless, that is, if you'd like it to happen again.
This guy sounds too manipulative. I'm not saying he's a bad kid -- after all, he seems to have behaved the way most boys would -- but the whole needing hugs and if you touch his breasts he should be able to touch yours kinda stuff is pure trickery. Don't fall for it.
But Rachel, overall you did really well. You should be proud of yourself.
His ex is abusive and mean
ALLISON, 21, from PORT ROYAL, VA, asks:
My boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. She is abusive and mean... Why would he rather have that?
VictorM's advice:
He wanted sex, nothing else mattered at the time. He didn't evaluate, he didn't ponder, he didn't compare. I'm not defending him, just saying there was no thought process in that decision.
Sometimes, just sometimes, having sex with an ex is an act of revenge, not an act of caring.
My boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. She is abusive and mean... Why would he rather have that?
VictorM's advice:
He wanted sex, nothing else mattered at the time. He didn't evaluate, he didn't ponder, he didn't compare. I'm not defending him, just saying there was no thought process in that decision.
Sometimes, just sometimes, having sex with an ex is an act of revenge, not an act of caring.
He's in debt; she has the money to help him
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
My boyfriend is in quite a bit of debt. He can't afford to pay his car anymore and still owes finance on it plus he has another loan to pay for so he is really stressed. I have a lot of savings and can easily bail him out but I'm afraid as there's no guarantee I'll get it back. What do I do and what does he do?
VictorM's advice:
If his debt had come via hardship, like a serious illness, then I could see you making an effort to bail him out. But it sounds like he simply has mismanaged his way into debt. If this is so, the best thing you can do for him is to keep your money to yourself.
I say this for three reasons: one, you don't want to enable his poor money management skills; two, you don't want to be out of your money -- and chances are you will; and three, and the most important one, getting bailed out by a girlfriend is a terrible blow to a guy's ego. While you think you're helping, you're in reality just making him feel smaller. Instead, encourage him to dig himself out of the debts. Not only will this improve his money skills, but it will improve his outlook on life too because there will enormous pride in fighting is way out of trouble.
Instead of bailing him out there are little things you can do to help. I don't know his spending habits, but you can encourage him to engage in less expensive activities and help him with a budget he should live with.
But do NOT let him have your money... for his sake, and yours.
My boyfriend is in quite a bit of debt. He can't afford to pay his car anymore and still owes finance on it plus he has another loan to pay for so he is really stressed. I have a lot of savings and can easily bail him out but I'm afraid as there's no guarantee I'll get it back. What do I do and what does he do?
VictorM's advice:
If his debt had come via hardship, like a serious illness, then I could see you making an effort to bail him out. But it sounds like he simply has mismanaged his way into debt. If this is so, the best thing you can do for him is to keep your money to yourself.
I say this for three reasons: one, you don't want to enable his poor money management skills; two, you don't want to be out of your money -- and chances are you will; and three, and the most important one, getting bailed out by a girlfriend is a terrible blow to a guy's ego. While you think you're helping, you're in reality just making him feel smaller. Instead, encourage him to dig himself out of the debts. Not only will this improve his money skills, but it will improve his outlook on life too because there will enormous pride in fighting is way out of trouble.
Instead of bailing him out there are little things you can do to help. I don't know his spending habits, but you can encourage him to engage in less expensive activities and help him with a budget he should live with.
But do NOT let him have your money... for his sake, and yours.
Her best friend hates him for some reason
naomi, 14, from california, asks:
I met this guy at a dance at another school that I went to a couple months ago, and he seemed really sweet, and he asked me to dance and everything, but my best female friend hates him for some reason. Then he got my aim screen name a few weeks later and seemed sorta like a jerk. Then, about a month before we're gonna go to school together, he sweet talks me again and asks if he asked me out, would I say yes, and I said yes! Now he's being really nice and I'm getting to know him better, but he's gone out with 16 girls in one school year last year! What do I do?!
VictorM's advice:
What else is there to do but be number 17? Come on, what's a boy suppose to do? Sit at home and wait for miss perfect to show up out of nowhere or does he go out and keep dating girls till he finds her? I say he's doing the right thing.
Maybe you're his miss perfect, maybe you're not, but there's only one way to find out. You may discover that he's not all that, so what will you do? You'll move on to the next guy, that's what. There's no shame in that. But for now, you like him (or you wouldn't have said yes to dating him), so go out with the boy, see where it leads.
This is what boys and girls should be doing -- experiencing the dating scene and trying each other out for size. As long as you don't do with him anything that you don't want to do, it's all fine. Just remember that the surest way to make him move on to number 18 is by being too "easy". Make him work for your attention and you improve your odds of keeping his.
I met this guy at a dance at another school that I went to a couple months ago, and he seemed really sweet, and he asked me to dance and everything, but my best female friend hates him for some reason. Then he got my aim screen name a few weeks later and seemed sorta like a jerk. Then, about a month before we're gonna go to school together, he sweet talks me again and asks if he asked me out, would I say yes, and I said yes! Now he's being really nice and I'm getting to know him better, but he's gone out with 16 girls in one school year last year! What do I do?!
VictorM's advice:
What else is there to do but be number 17? Come on, what's a boy suppose to do? Sit at home and wait for miss perfect to show up out of nowhere or does he go out and keep dating girls till he finds her? I say he's doing the right thing.
Maybe you're his miss perfect, maybe you're not, but there's only one way to find out. You may discover that he's not all that, so what will you do? You'll move on to the next guy, that's what. There's no shame in that. But for now, you like him (or you wouldn't have said yes to dating him), so go out with the boy, see where it leads.
This is what boys and girls should be doing -- experiencing the dating scene and trying each other out for size. As long as you don't do with him anything that you don't want to do, it's all fine. Just remember that the surest way to make him move on to number 18 is by being too "easy". Make him work for your attention and you improve your odds of keeping his.
He was his usual funny self
Belle, 35, from los angeles, asks:
The guy who dumped me last year called me 2 months ago to say Hi (we dated for only a month). He never called again, so I called him. The conversation went well and he asked me out for dinner. The dinner went well... he was his usual funny self. I had fun, he never flirted though. At the end of the date, instead of a kiss, he just gave me a hug and said "let me know if you feel like hanging out." I didn't hear from him ever. What was that? Did he ask me out because he was feeling guilty about last year?
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't sound like guilt is involved.
Look, he broke up with you, that doesn't mean he hates your guts. Sounds like he thinks highly of you, just not in a romantic way. Now he's being polite and friendly. That's all it means.
The guy who dumped me last year called me 2 months ago to say Hi (we dated for only a month). He never called again, so I called him. The conversation went well and he asked me out for dinner. The dinner went well... he was his usual funny self. I had fun, he never flirted though. At the end of the date, instead of a kiss, he just gave me a hug and said "let me know if you feel like hanging out." I didn't hear from him ever. What was that? Did he ask me out because he was feeling guilty about last year?
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't sound like guilt is involved.
Look, he broke up with you, that doesn't mean he hates your guts. Sounds like he thinks highly of you, just not in a romantic way. Now he's being polite and friendly. That's all it means.
She's been crushing
Acacia, 15, from Oklahoma, asks:
I have this guy that I've been crushing on since Sixth Grade. I think that he thinks that I am a big freak. I really don't know how to talk to him. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
Don't talk to him about your crush or any feelings you have for him. Treat him just like a friend.
Find something that he really likes (sports, cars, video games, whatever) and ask him questions about that topic. Develop an interest and asking questions that allows him to show off. Guys like being around girls they can sound smart to. Don't ask him if he likes this or that, make sure you ask him to explain things to you. That allows him to be a show off and for you to spend more time with you.
I have this guy that I've been crushing on since Sixth Grade. I think that he thinks that I am a big freak. I really don't know how to talk to him. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
Don't talk to him about your crush or any feelings you have for him. Treat him just like a friend.
Find something that he really likes (sports, cars, video games, whatever) and ask him questions about that topic. Develop an interest and asking questions that allows him to show off. Guys like being around girls they can sound smart to. Don't ask him if he likes this or that, make sure you ask him to explain things to you. That allows him to be a show off and for you to spend more time with you.
She doesn't want to be second choice
jen, 19, from NY, asks:
I am getting over him pretty well I mean it is hard because there was a short time where I did like him…but I shot that down quick. I mean what can I do currently? He doesn’t extend anything to me but does to our friend. Is it my job to show him some interest before he can?
Yes it did get me to notice but I never let him onto it too much. I did not start acting distant until he started acting like an ass. I can't chase someone that wants me for an ego boost until/if our friend becomes single! I don’t want to be a second choice when I can be someone’s first and only! I got along with his friends more and don’t think that went over too well. I got the feeling that he was still in middle school emotionally. Over the year, he would follow our friend around like a puppy. (Of course she didn’t mind it was a great ego boost to her.) I guess he lives in a fairytale where he and our friend will live happily ever after…if he just keeps calling her and sitting next to her and giving her little trinkets of affection (the thing is we all give each other lil things all the time! But he only gives to her…and a few times me…)? Another friend that knows of his crush would notice that sometime he would get these bouts of depression and just sit next to his crush waiting for her to ask what’s wrong? And she would…but if her boyfriend was there she wouldn’t…that would be a slap in the face and he would just stare longingly and say they aren’t really in love/serious. How can someone be in love with someone that has never been single to them?
VictorM's comment:
To quote a song... He's "dreaming the impossible dream. " That's the fantasy lots of people live in. It's not easy to shake that feeling when you're so hooked on another. He's just going to have to deal with the heartache somehow.
Whatever happens between them, it seems you're out of the picture. The coast is clear for you.
I am getting over him pretty well I mean it is hard because there was a short time where I did like him…but I shot that down quick. I mean what can I do currently? He doesn’t extend anything to me but does to our friend. Is it my job to show him some interest before he can?
Yes it did get me to notice but I never let him onto it too much. I did not start acting distant until he started acting like an ass. I can't chase someone that wants me for an ego boost until/if our friend becomes single! I don’t want to be a second choice when I can be someone’s first and only! I got along with his friends more and don’t think that went over too well. I got the feeling that he was still in middle school emotionally. Over the year, he would follow our friend around like a puppy. (Of course she didn’t mind it was a great ego boost to her.) I guess he lives in a fairytale where he and our friend will live happily ever after…if he just keeps calling her and sitting next to her and giving her little trinkets of affection (the thing is we all give each other lil things all the time! But he only gives to her…and a few times me…)? Another friend that knows of his crush would notice that sometime he would get these bouts of depression and just sit next to his crush waiting for her to ask what’s wrong? And she would…but if her boyfriend was there she wouldn’t…that would be a slap in the face and he would just stare longingly and say they aren’t really in love/serious. How can someone be in love with someone that has never been single to them?
VictorM's comment:
To quote a song... He's "dreaming the impossible dream. " That's the fantasy lots of people live in. It's not easy to shake that feeling when you're so hooked on another. He's just going to have to deal with the heartache somehow.
Whatever happens between them, it seems you're out of the picture. The coast is clear for you.
Monday, July 23, 2007
One week later he asked for space
Joyce, 29, from Indonesia, asks:
I had a boyfriend for almost 5 years. A few months after our 4th year anniversary, I asked him about his plans to get married, but he said he is not yet ready. One week later, he asked for "space." It was the first time in 5 years that he ever asked for space. During the whole time that we were together, I was always the one who suggested break-ups, but he always begged me to stay. I never expected that one day he will be the one to ask for space or a "cool-off". So I freaked out and didn't know what to do.
He works in the Sales Dept and he is normally required to work in far away areas. We see each other only 5-6 times a week, because of the nature of his job. Then he told me that one night he got so drunk and had a one night stand with a girl in the area he works in. Because of that, I broke up with him immediately. It's been 5 months since our break up. Now I want him back. I have already forgiven him. We are still in contact with each other as friends and he is usually sweet to me when we talk. Should I ask him out for a date? Should I ask him back? Is it a good idea that I still take his calls and that I also call him once in a while?
VictorM's advice:
It's a good idea to stay in contact and ask for a date if you want him back and if you don't mind wasting your time. Because, it will be a waste of time. The reason he's not with you has nothing to do with your forgiveness; it has to do with him being over you. He thought he was fine with you, he didn't want to lose you, but that was all before he faced his moment of truth, when he had to face the marriage talk straight on. Now he knows where you stand in his life, and that's not in it.
Being sweet to you doesn't mean he wants you back. Why shouldn't he be sweet to you? Just because he got over you doesn't mean he hates you or that he forgot his good manners. He's being polite. That's all.
I had a boyfriend for almost 5 years. A few months after our 4th year anniversary, I asked him about his plans to get married, but he said he is not yet ready. One week later, he asked for "space." It was the first time in 5 years that he ever asked for space. During the whole time that we were together, I was always the one who suggested break-ups, but he always begged me to stay. I never expected that one day he will be the one to ask for space or a "cool-off". So I freaked out and didn't know what to do.
He works in the Sales Dept and he is normally required to work in far away areas. We see each other only 5-6 times a week, because of the nature of his job. Then he told me that one night he got so drunk and had a one night stand with a girl in the area he works in. Because of that, I broke up with him immediately. It's been 5 months since our break up. Now I want him back. I have already forgiven him. We are still in contact with each other as friends and he is usually sweet to me when we talk. Should I ask him out for a date? Should I ask him back? Is it a good idea that I still take his calls and that I also call him once in a while?
VictorM's advice:
It's a good idea to stay in contact and ask for a date if you want him back and if you don't mind wasting your time. Because, it will be a waste of time. The reason he's not with you has nothing to do with your forgiveness; it has to do with him being over you. He thought he was fine with you, he didn't want to lose you, but that was all before he faced his moment of truth, when he had to face the marriage talk straight on. Now he knows where you stand in his life, and that's not in it.
Being sweet to you doesn't mean he wants you back. Why shouldn't he be sweet to you? Just because he got over you doesn't mean he hates you or that he forgot his good manners. He's being polite. That's all.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Matilda is still confused
Matilda, 14, from Asia, asks:
Hey..it's me again..why are boys so confusing? I mean my boyfriend, he's like the most confusing guy ever. Sometimes he doesn't get what I want him to do he can be clueless sometimes. You know when you said to say "kiss me, you fool". Well, what if he thinks I just want a kiss from him? Like once when we were chatting he said that the way I typed looked like I really wanted to kiss him, who doesn't want to kiss their boyfriend? I know I'm being a little harsh, trying to get over it and hopefully I will. What else should I know about 15 year old boys? Would they rather hang out with their friends than their girlfriends? My boyfriend is like shy sometimes and when we talk there's sometimes silence. Of course I don't want to break up with him. But what else should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Matilda.. Matilda... Matilda. You're thinking wayyyyyy too much! It's a kiss! Kiss the freaking guy already! It's just a kiss! You won't get pregnant, you're not invading a country, you're not blowing up the planet. It's just a kiss. Kiss the little freaking toad already!
Fifteen year old boys talk a big game amongst themselves, but they are scared shitless about that first kiss, their first make out session and where it might lead. So... sometimes it's safer to go play video games with the guys. Don't take it personally. It's just a tormenting time for boys in that age group.
There's something else about 15 year old boys you ought to know. They're sloppy with their bathroom habits and their underwear can get smelly and ugly with stains. Hey, I'm just passing on information. :)
Hey..it's me again..why are boys so confusing? I mean my boyfriend, he's like the most confusing guy ever. Sometimes he doesn't get what I want him to do he can be clueless sometimes. You know when you said to say "kiss me, you fool". Well, what if he thinks I just want a kiss from him? Like once when we were chatting he said that the way I typed looked like I really wanted to kiss him, who doesn't want to kiss their boyfriend? I know I'm being a little harsh, trying to get over it and hopefully I will. What else should I know about 15 year old boys? Would they rather hang out with their friends than their girlfriends? My boyfriend is like shy sometimes and when we talk there's sometimes silence. Of course I don't want to break up with him. But what else should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Matilda.. Matilda... Matilda. You're thinking wayyyyyy too much! It's a kiss! Kiss the freaking guy already! It's just a kiss! You won't get pregnant, you're not invading a country, you're not blowing up the planet. It's just a kiss. Kiss the little freaking toad already!
Fifteen year old boys talk a big game amongst themselves, but they are scared shitless about that first kiss, their first make out session and where it might lead. So... sometimes it's safer to go play video games with the guys. Don't take it personally. It's just a tormenting time for boys in that age group.
There's something else about 15 year old boys you ought to know. They're sloppy with their bathroom habits and their underwear can get smelly and ugly with stains. Hey, I'm just passing on information. :)
She is not an annoying person
jen, 19, from NY, asks:
Hi I am back again! Only this time I think I am doing better and getting over the guy I liked. I need to know something. I was the girl that kinda liked a guy that liked my friend. It seemed that he kinda liked me also. It seemed for a moment we were both flirting and getting along really well and there was a mutual attraction but to me nothing serious. Well the next day when I was hanging out with this guy and some of his friends and our friends (not the friend that he likes) he was all into our other friend and anything I said seemed to be an annoyance and it was almost like I didn’t exist. I am not an annoying person. There would be moments where he would just not help me like he usually does or anything! I would be left standing there bewildered even our friend that he was paying extra attention to, pointed it out. For example, I looked cold and he insisted so rudely I take his jacket, I said no and then later he insisted again. It wasn’t in a nice way but I couldn’t say no again, I felt so strange taking it because he was so mean about it. I just want to know what was the reason for this change? One moment he is into me or at least nice and the next he's mean. I have not flirted or even talked to him lately and he has not made any attempt to talk to me. He does call his crush, our friend, at least 3 times a week, she's not interested in him, and has told him and she and her boyfriend are happy and have been together for like 2 years. Whats wrong here? We are in college! This is not High School.
VictorM's advice:
You may be in college but emotionally he's still in middle school.
He wants more attention from you. His sometimes cold attitude is intended to get you to notice him (and you have to admit, it's working). The rationale for that behavior is akin to a little boy who is mean to a girl he likes. It's childish, but often it works.
Maybe he's picking up on your sentiment that there's an "attraction but to me nothing serious." Could it be that he you are giving him vibes that you're not interested in him?
But be careful. I'm not saying he's into you or will ever be. His bruised ego is looking for someone to give him a boost. He needs to have someone (you) drool over him to repair his wounded pride.
Hi I am back again! Only this time I think I am doing better and getting over the guy I liked. I need to know something. I was the girl that kinda liked a guy that liked my friend. It seemed that he kinda liked me also. It seemed for a moment we were both flirting and getting along really well and there was a mutual attraction but to me nothing serious. Well the next day when I was hanging out with this guy and some of his friends and our friends (not the friend that he likes) he was all into our other friend and anything I said seemed to be an annoyance and it was almost like I didn’t exist. I am not an annoying person. There would be moments where he would just not help me like he usually does or anything! I would be left standing there bewildered even our friend that he was paying extra attention to, pointed it out. For example, I looked cold and he insisted so rudely I take his jacket, I said no and then later he insisted again. It wasn’t in a nice way but I couldn’t say no again, I felt so strange taking it because he was so mean about it. I just want to know what was the reason for this change? One moment he is into me or at least nice and the next he's mean. I have not flirted or even talked to him lately and he has not made any attempt to talk to me. He does call his crush, our friend, at least 3 times a week, she's not interested in him, and has told him and she and her boyfriend are happy and have been together for like 2 years. Whats wrong here? We are in college! This is not High School.
VictorM's advice:
You may be in college but emotionally he's still in middle school.
He wants more attention from you. His sometimes cold attitude is intended to get you to notice him (and you have to admit, it's working). The rationale for that behavior is akin to a little boy who is mean to a girl he likes. It's childish, but often it works.
Maybe he's picking up on your sentiment that there's an "attraction but to me nothing serious." Could it be that he you are giving him vibes that you're not interested in him?
But be careful. I'm not saying he's into you or will ever be. His bruised ego is looking for someone to give him a boost. He needs to have someone (you) drool over him to repair his wounded pride.
Confidential to Kate
VictorM's comment: I know. But you're fun to pick on. :)
Saturday, July 21, 2007
He says he wants her to marry him
confused, 22, from ohio, asks:
Why would a guy tell his soon to be divorced female friend that he wants her to marry him and that he loves her when before he never said anything like that before?
VictorM's answer:
Because before she was married. Duh! He probably had a crush on her all along but never told her because she was taboo, off limits, another man's wife.
Why would a guy tell his soon to be divorced female friend that he wants her to marry him and that he loves her when before he never said anything like that before?
VictorM's answer:
Because before she was married. Duh! He probably had a crush on her all along but never told her because she was taboo, off limits, another man's wife.
He has a very close female friend
Shelly, 26, from Maryland, asks:
I WANTED TO KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT MY Partner HAS A VERY CLOSE (BEST FRIEND/ ''SISTER/GODDESS'') FEMALE FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL. She is practically worshipped and he lies to take care of both of our feelings. They haven't ever dated which is his defense but that makes it even more weird to me. He has written on a public page to her: ''men want her and women want to be her''. I do love him but I was just wondering what your thoughts were on the topic of guy / girl best friends when you get married .. thanks
VictorM's advice:
I can't read his mind, but that's not really what matters. What matters is that it bothers you and he doesn't seem to care.
These kinds of opposite sex friendships, as strong as you make this one sound, are never a good thing. Never. Your guy is playing with fire.
You obviously have brought up your concern to him and he doesn't seem to place your feelings above his feelings for her. That, in my view, is a problem.
If this attachment between them continues into your marriage, nothing good will come from it. If he doesn't recognize that, he's either an idiot or you have good reason to question his motives.
I believe in the line from the movie When Harry Met Sally: "no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."
I WANTED TO KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT MY Partner HAS A VERY CLOSE (BEST FRIEND/ ''SISTER/GODDESS'') FEMALE FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL. She is practically worshipped and he lies to take care of both of our feelings. They haven't ever dated which is his defense but that makes it even more weird to me. He has written on a public page to her: ''men want her and women want to be her''. I do love him but I was just wondering what your thoughts were on the topic of guy / girl best friends when you get married .. thanks
VictorM's advice:
I can't read his mind, but that's not really what matters. What matters is that it bothers you and he doesn't seem to care.
These kinds of opposite sex friendships, as strong as you make this one sound, are never a good thing. Never. Your guy is playing with fire.
You obviously have brought up your concern to him and he doesn't seem to place your feelings above his feelings for her. That, in my view, is a problem.
If this attachment between them continues into your marriage, nothing good will come from it. If he doesn't recognize that, he's either an idiot or you have good reason to question his motives.
I believe in the line from the movie When Harry Met Sally: "no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."
Friday, July 20, 2007
Dumped by a boyfriend she bumps into ex
Angelina, 26, from Ptown, asks:
I recently got dumped by my boyfriend, and not even a week later I ran into my ex before this current ex. I hadn't seen him in over 8 months. We had broke it off cause he needed to find what he was about and feel good within himself and in my eyes we became friends instead of lovers, so with that being said there are no hard feelings, so I have been kicking with him since as "Friends" (who had sex a couple times but not anymore-about 2 1/2 weeks) for the past month & half, but is that a good idea? I don't have any desire to get back together with him, but could it be because my heart has been broken? I am up front with him and am not leading him on, but he loves me with all his heart and would take me back but he goes along with the friend thing because of me. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to force myself to like him if I don't. He has grown up and changed for the better, and I know he can love me the way I need to be love, but why do not feel him like?
VictorM's advice:
You got dumped and as a result, you seek comfort and safety. You need the company of someone who loves you more than you love him, someone that can give you comfort for now without you risking getting heartbroken. Makes sense to me. As long as you're up front with him, I don't see a problem.
It's his responsibility to decide whether it's a good thing for him. Maybe he's hoping you'll develop feelings for him during this "friends with sometimes benefits" period. But in any case, you're both getting what you want for now.
Enjoy the temporary shelter. It's a lot better than over indulging in ice cream and other comfort foods.
I recently got dumped by my boyfriend, and not even a week later I ran into my ex before this current ex. I hadn't seen him in over 8 months. We had broke it off cause he needed to find what he was about and feel good within himself and in my eyes we became friends instead of lovers, so with that being said there are no hard feelings, so I have been kicking with him since as "Friends" (who had sex a couple times but not anymore-about 2 1/2 weeks) for the past month & half, but is that a good idea? I don't have any desire to get back together with him, but could it be because my heart has been broken? I am up front with him and am not leading him on, but he loves me with all his heart and would take me back but he goes along with the friend thing because of me. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to force myself to like him if I don't. He has grown up and changed for the better, and I know he can love me the way I need to be love, but why do not feel him like?
VictorM's advice:
You got dumped and as a result, you seek comfort and safety. You need the company of someone who loves you more than you love him, someone that can give you comfort for now without you risking getting heartbroken. Makes sense to me. As long as you're up front with him, I don't see a problem.
It's his responsibility to decide whether it's a good thing for him. Maybe he's hoping you'll develop feelings for him during this "friends with sometimes benefits" period. But in any case, you're both getting what you want for now.
Enjoy the temporary shelter. It's a lot better than over indulging in ice cream and other comfort foods.
Acting more girly
Rachel, 23, from USA, asks:
If I am trying to act more girly to get a guy to notice me what are some things that I can do so that he will get it?
VictorM's advice:
I'm assuming you're talking about in general and do not have a specific guy in mind because every guy likes different things. What one guy finds sexy may not be a turn on to the next guy.
But in general, the concept of "girly" includes clothes that reveal a feminine body (guys like knowing they're looking at a female at first glance), the use of some make-up (even if guys say they don't like girls with make-up they have no idea what they're talking about it; they do like it, they just don't know it), painted toe nails (oh wait, maybe that's just me! Never mind.) :)
You don't have to reveal your boobs, but accentuating them wouldn't hurt. You don't have to show your thighs, but showing the leg above the knee gets you noticed. Telling fart jokes and burping is NOT girly!
Other than that, you have to be careful with what fashion group you're trying to impress. Goth, punk, preppy, etc. all have different turn ons.
Look and dress in a way that makes you feel sexy (but realize that "sexy" and "comfortable" may not the the same thing; sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't). If you look in the mirror and you feel sexy, chances are it'll work for him. Sometimes what makes you feel sexy may not be visible (for example, a particular pair of panties... or no panties, a close shave in a place he won't see, etc.) but you will exude sexiness if you feel sexy. And that will make you come across as "girly".
If I am trying to act more girly to get a guy to notice me what are some things that I can do so that he will get it?
VictorM's advice:
I'm assuming you're talking about in general and do not have a specific guy in mind because every guy likes different things. What one guy finds sexy may not be a turn on to the next guy.
But in general, the concept of "girly" includes clothes that reveal a feminine body (guys like knowing they're looking at a female at first glance), the use of some make-up (even if guys say they don't like girls with make-up they have no idea what they're talking about it; they do like it, they just don't know it), painted toe nails (oh wait, maybe that's just me! Never mind.) :)
You don't have to reveal your boobs, but accentuating them wouldn't hurt. You don't have to show your thighs, but showing the leg above the knee gets you noticed. Telling fart jokes and burping is NOT girly!
Other than that, you have to be careful with what fashion group you're trying to impress. Goth, punk, preppy, etc. all have different turn ons.
Look and dress in a way that makes you feel sexy (but realize that "sexy" and "comfortable" may not the the same thing; sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't). If you look in the mirror and you feel sexy, chances are it'll work for him. Sometimes what makes you feel sexy may not be visible (for example, a particular pair of panties... or no panties, a close shave in a place he won't see, etc.) but you will exude sexiness if you feel sexy. And that will make you come across as "girly".
He felt that the spark was gone
Tetchie, 29, from Philippines, asks:
I had a boyfriend for 4 years and we broke up 5 months ago because he felt that the spark was gone. At first I begged him to stay. He disagreed to stay in the relationship, but he continued being sweet to me without commitment. Then I started to pull away and severed all communication for 1 month. He kept on calling during those times but I ignored all his calls. After the month of no contact, I decided to reply to one of his emails. Then he said he missed me. He was sweet for 2 weeks then all of a sudden he stopped calling. I never called him either during those times even if I really wanted to. After about a month, he started calling me again and became sweet again. I invited him for coffee on my birthday two weeks ago and we had fun during that "reunion". He even asked me out for another date and I agreed. However, a week after our 2nd date, he became distant again. He stopped initiating contact but he is glad to answer when I'm the one who calls first. What does all this mean? Does he still want me back? Why did he stop initiating contact all of a sudden? I want him back but I'm not sure if I should tell him. Should I? I stopped initiating contact too because I want him to make the first move. Is this the right thing to do? Is it alright if I'm the one who asks again for another date?
VictorM's advice:
You're stuck on a guy who simply is not into you. You're misreading his being sweet and keeping occasional contact with you. You think they are signals that he still wants you but you're wrong. You think his actions are about you, but they're not! They are all about him.
His contact with you from time to time is nothing more than a gradual separation effort after being together for 4 years. He's the type of guy who can't drift away from you "cold-turkey", so he's doing it in stages. So while you're seeing a glimmer of hope with each contact, he's in reality just taking another step further away from you. He may contact you again, but I bet that the time in between the contacts will gradually grow longer, until it will cease.
The sweetness may be a reflection of his personality but it's mostly to allow him to feel better about himself. He knows he broke your heart so he's trying his best to make up for it by being sweet and friendly. It's his way of assuring himself that he's no monster, that he is a good person.
Don't contact him. Don't ask him for a date. Don't think you'll be together again. It's not going to happen.
I had a boyfriend for 4 years and we broke up 5 months ago because he felt that the spark was gone. At first I begged him to stay. He disagreed to stay in the relationship, but he continued being sweet to me without commitment. Then I started to pull away and severed all communication for 1 month. He kept on calling during those times but I ignored all his calls. After the month of no contact, I decided to reply to one of his emails. Then he said he missed me. He was sweet for 2 weeks then all of a sudden he stopped calling. I never called him either during those times even if I really wanted to. After about a month, he started calling me again and became sweet again. I invited him for coffee on my birthday two weeks ago and we had fun during that "reunion". He even asked me out for another date and I agreed. However, a week after our 2nd date, he became distant again. He stopped initiating contact but he is glad to answer when I'm the one who calls first. What does all this mean? Does he still want me back? Why did he stop initiating contact all of a sudden? I want him back but I'm not sure if I should tell him. Should I? I stopped initiating contact too because I want him to make the first move. Is this the right thing to do? Is it alright if I'm the one who asks again for another date?
VictorM's advice:
You're stuck on a guy who simply is not into you. You're misreading his being sweet and keeping occasional contact with you. You think they are signals that he still wants you but you're wrong. You think his actions are about you, but they're not! They are all about him.
His contact with you from time to time is nothing more than a gradual separation effort after being together for 4 years. He's the type of guy who can't drift away from you "cold-turkey", so he's doing it in stages. So while you're seeing a glimmer of hope with each contact, he's in reality just taking another step further away from you. He may contact you again, but I bet that the time in between the contacts will gradually grow longer, until it will cease.
The sweetness may be a reflection of his personality but it's mostly to allow him to feel better about himself. He knows he broke your heart so he's trying his best to make up for it by being sweet and friendly. It's his way of assuring himself that he's no monster, that he is a good person.
Don't contact him. Don't ask him for a date. Don't think you'll be together again. It's not going to happen.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Gema, the teenage princess
Gema, just 13, from New Zealand, asks:
Gemas back!!!!! But still having trouble with MAX!!!!! I've had my birthday but still no date. He's been kinda holding back like he's hiding something and he said he likes someone else. But he's still sweet. What to do? thanks.
VictorM's advice:
First of all... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! And welcome back.
Max is a smelly turd. Treat him like one and you'll see he'll pay more attention to you.
I'm telling you, 13 year old boys are the biggest freaks of nature. They're like an experiment gone wrong. Besides, you're entering an age when a lot more boys are going to start getting interested in you. You're going to need a bat to keep them away. Max is going to feel so envious he'll live the rest of his life in the Pit of Despair!
Remember... he's a smelly turd! Go ahead... go out and mistreat him! You have my permission. :)
Gemas back!!!!! But still having trouble with MAX!!!!! I've had my birthday but still no date. He's been kinda holding back like he's hiding something and he said he likes someone else. But he's still sweet. What to do? thanks.
VictorM's advice:
First of all... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! And welcome back.
Max is a smelly turd. Treat him like one and you'll see he'll pay more attention to you.
I'm telling you, 13 year old boys are the biggest freaks of nature. They're like an experiment gone wrong. Besides, you're entering an age when a lot more boys are going to start getting interested in you. You're going to need a bat to keep them away. Max is going to feel so envious he'll live the rest of his life in the Pit of Despair!
Remember... he's a smelly turd! Go ahead... go out and mistreat him! You have my permission. :)
She doesn't feel any chemistry
Ej, 16, from canada, asks:
So there's this guy that I've hung out/partied with a couple of times (with a group of friends) and he's really interested in me. He's really nice, cute and all, and he would probably make a really good boyfriend. But he's kinda shy. And when we're together, I don't really feel any chemistry with him/ attracted to him. I gave him my number a week ago. He hasn't called but he texted me later that night just saying thanks for the invite to my party. He likes me, but I don't like him as much. Should I give this guy a chance? Should I wait for him to ask me out? (which is taking forever) or should I hint/ ask him? And do you think you need initial chemistry for things to work out?
VictorM's advice:
To answer your first question, no, you do not need initial chemistry. Quite often, chemistry develops the more you know a person. Also, even if you never develop feelings for him, sometimes it just feels nice being around someone that really likes you. If he makes you feel good, smart, sexy, and whatever else tickles your fancy, there's merit in being around him.
If you think he's a nice guy, that in itself is not a bad start. It may not lead anywhere, but what's the harm in trying? Shy guys can surprise you once the veil of shyness is removed.
Sure, you can give him hints but don't ask him. If he doesn't make a move, it's his loss. Meanwhile, don't sit around waiting for him. I'm sure you have other boys interested in you.
So there's this guy that I've hung out/partied with a couple of times (with a group of friends) and he's really interested in me. He's really nice, cute and all, and he would probably make a really good boyfriend. But he's kinda shy. And when we're together, I don't really feel any chemistry with him/ attracted to him. I gave him my number a week ago. He hasn't called but he texted me later that night just saying thanks for the invite to my party. He likes me, but I don't like him as much. Should I give this guy a chance? Should I wait for him to ask me out? (which is taking forever) or should I hint/ ask him? And do you think you need initial chemistry for things to work out?
VictorM's advice:
To answer your first question, no, you do not need initial chemistry. Quite often, chemistry develops the more you know a person. Also, even if you never develop feelings for him, sometimes it just feels nice being around someone that really likes you. If he makes you feel good, smart, sexy, and whatever else tickles your fancy, there's merit in being around him.
If you think he's a nice guy, that in itself is not a bad start. It may not lead anywhere, but what's the harm in trying? Shy guys can surprise you once the veil of shyness is removed.
Sure, you can give him hints but don't ask him. If he doesn't make a move, it's his loss. Meanwhile, don't sit around waiting for him. I'm sure you have other boys interested in you.
She cheated on him
amanda, 14, from Indiana, asks:
How do I tell a guy that I am madly in love with that I am sorry for cheating on him?
VictorM's advice:
You can try saying those words to him. Really, there's no other way that I can think of. Will it make any difference? I doubt it. You broke the circle of trust. Guys tend to be less forgiving about it than females.
The one thing you shouldn't do is keep bringing it up. The more times you bring it up, the more the mistake takes center stage. If after a while he keeps pounding you over it, you have to tell him you're not going to pay for the rest of your life for one mistake.
After the one sincere apology, the less you talk about it, the better.
How do I tell a guy that I am madly in love with that I am sorry for cheating on him?
VictorM's advice:
You can try saying those words to him. Really, there's no other way that I can think of. Will it make any difference? I doubt it. You broke the circle of trust. Guys tend to be less forgiving about it than females.
The one thing you shouldn't do is keep bringing it up. The more times you bring it up, the more the mistake takes center stage. If after a while he keeps pounding you over it, you have to tell him you're not going to pay for the rest of your life for one mistake.
After the one sincere apology, the less you talk about it, the better.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
He admires her work ethic
Zara, 18, from West Midlands, asks:
Hey I'm really confused about this guy at college. Me and this guy are a part of the student council at college so I see him regularly. He is always very nice to me like he'd compliment me saying things like I admire your work ethic etc. Also when I told him that I might be leaving college he said to me seriously I dont want you to leave I want you to come back. It'll be great loss for the student council if you go. I dont know if he likes me or not :( I really need your help. Please reply ASAP thank you
VictorM's advice:
Cease being confused. There's nothing in what you said that would indicate he likes you beyond the relationship of colleague. The things he said to you were polite, they don't hurt anyone, and makes the other person feel good. That's the sort of stuff we all say to coworkers who are leaving, even when we can't stand them. (Of course, in your case, I'm sure he meant it). :-p
Hey I'm really confused about this guy at college. Me and this guy are a part of the student council at college so I see him regularly. He is always very nice to me like he'd compliment me saying things like I admire your work ethic etc. Also when I told him that I might be leaving college he said to me seriously I dont want you to leave I want you to come back. It'll be great loss for the student council if you go. I dont know if he likes me or not :( I really need your help. Please reply ASAP thank you
VictorM's advice:
Cease being confused. There's nothing in what you said that would indicate he likes you beyond the relationship of colleague. The things he said to you were polite, they don't hurt anyone, and makes the other person feel good. That's the sort of stuff we all say to coworkers who are leaving, even when we can't stand them. (Of course, in your case, I'm sure he meant it). :-p
When a guy says "I love you" what does he mean?
Ashley, 21, from texas, asks:
When a guy friend that you have used the word "love" even when he is joking around, is there any meaning behind that? Example he will say "you know you love me," when talking to someone else he will say "she loves me," or he will say "I love you."
VictorM's answer:
In the context you describe, it just means he likes you a lot and cares for your well-being. People who are merely friends can and do love each other without it being romantic love. It sounds that way to me in this case.
Of course, if he finds you attractive, it also means he wants to poke you, but he's not going to say it.
When a guy friend that you have used the word "love" even when he is joking around, is there any meaning behind that? Example he will say "you know you love me," when talking to someone else he will say "she loves me," or he will say "I love you."
VictorM's answer:
In the context you describe, it just means he likes you a lot and cares for your well-being. People who are merely friends can and do love each other without it being romantic love. It sounds that way to me in this case.
Of course, if he finds you attractive, it also means he wants to poke you, but he's not going to say it.
Dinner with his parents freak her parents out
Payton, 15, asks:
Thanks again for your continued help and support!
I have a question involving my parents and boyfriend. When my boyfriend wanted me to have dinner with him at his house to meet his parents, it was going to be very casual. But when I asked my parents, they freaked out. My mom didn't like the idea of us acting like we have a serious relationship, but to my boyfriend and I, his parents only wanted to meet me and talk to me. Awhile before, my dad even mentioned wanting to talk to my boyfriend and get to know him, but now they are saying the complete opposite. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
First - empathize with their opinion: "I can understand your concern that this seems rather serious (if you agree with them, say so, if you don't, keep it to yourself).
Second - return the conversation to the topic you want: "But I also understand their parents wishing to know who their son is seeing (something your parents will probably understand).
Third - ask for their help in a way that butters them up and puts them in problem-solving mode. Ask: "Please help me figure out how can I meet his parents in such a way that both you and his parents are comfortable?"
Never ask them questions that illicit a Yes or No answer. For example, asking: "So can I see him for lunch instead of dinner?" invokes a very easy "no!". You should ask a "how" question (people are problem solvers by nature, so put them in that mode), but you phrase it with your goal in it, which is meeting his parents.
Remember, start the conversation accepting that your parents are right. Once you remove the confrontational aspect of your talk, there's a good chance they'll accept that dinner is not such a bad thing. And who knows, maybe they'll say lunch would be better. But it has to be their idea. Get it? ;)
Now, practice this and go get them, Payton!
Thanks again for your continued help and support!
I have a question involving my parents and boyfriend. When my boyfriend wanted me to have dinner with him at his house to meet his parents, it was going to be very casual. But when I asked my parents, they freaked out. My mom didn't like the idea of us acting like we have a serious relationship, but to my boyfriend and I, his parents only wanted to meet me and talk to me. Awhile before, my dad even mentioned wanting to talk to my boyfriend and get to know him, but now they are saying the complete opposite. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
First - empathize with their opinion: "I can understand your concern that this seems rather serious (if you agree with them, say so, if you don't, keep it to yourself).
Second - return the conversation to the topic you want: "But I also understand their parents wishing to know who their son is seeing (something your parents will probably understand).
Third - ask for their help in a way that butters them up and puts them in problem-solving mode. Ask: "Please help me figure out how can I meet his parents in such a way that both you and his parents are comfortable?"
Never ask them questions that illicit a Yes or No answer. For example, asking: "So can I see him for lunch instead of dinner?" invokes a very easy "no!". You should ask a "how" question (people are problem solvers by nature, so put them in that mode), but you phrase it with your goal in it, which is meeting his parents.
Remember, start the conversation accepting that your parents are right. Once you remove the confrontational aspect of your talk, there's a good chance they'll accept that dinner is not such a bad thing. And who knows, maybe they'll say lunch would be better. But it has to be their idea. Get it? ;)
Now, practice this and go get them, Payton!
Most of her friends say her boyfriend is a fool
Matilda, 14, from Asia, asks:
Ok.. I've got a boyfriend, he's turning 15 this year and he's from Korea, which is where I'm not from. Anyway we've been together for 2 month. The thing is I don't understand him and most of my friends told me that he's a fool and doesn't know how to treat me right. Like once he said that he would get me at lunchtime in school but he end up playing with his friends, and when he 's online he'd rather watch t.v. than chat with me. He said he would kiss me but he didn't, I'd have to agree with my friends but I really like him. I don't know what to do with him, he's confusing me and some of my friends said he's just trying to get attention because once he was watching a movie and he told me the actress was pretty. I mean what was I suppose to say? Sometimes he asks me stupid questions because it's what I think like what would I do if he cheated on me? Is it just me or is it him? What should I do? What do I do with him? Right now we're in our summer holiday and he's like far away from me and he can only txt or email each other, oh and he even promised me he won't be seeing other girls and that he would kiss me when school starts but I doubt that. Help Please! I'm depressed here.
VictorM's advice:
I think you're being a little harsh on him. It's not easy being a 15 year old boy. There's stuff going on inside his body that makes most teenage boys loopy.
So he asks stupid questions because he doesn't know what else to say. So he made a remark about an actress, what's so bad about that? So he doesn't know how to treat you right... he'll learn. You can teach him by talking nicely to him and explained how you'd like to be treated. And as far as the kiss, well, that first kiss can be a scary thing. I'm sure he's trying to muster the courage to do it.
Maybe instead of looking for his faults, you can, you know, help him a little. Find a quiet place, pucker up your lips, and say: "Kiss me, you fool" with a wink and a smile.
You like the boy, so give him some time to get used to being a wacky 15 year old guy. Trust me on this, once he gets over that first kiss, you better get ready for some major make-out sessions. Your lips will be needing a wheelchair just to get around.
Ok.. I've got a boyfriend, he's turning 15 this year and he's from Korea, which is where I'm not from. Anyway we've been together for 2 month. The thing is I don't understand him and most of my friends told me that he's a fool and doesn't know how to treat me right. Like once he said that he would get me at lunchtime in school but he end up playing with his friends, and when he 's online he'd rather watch t.v. than chat with me. He said he would kiss me but he didn't, I'd have to agree with my friends but I really like him. I don't know what to do with him, he's confusing me and some of my friends said he's just trying to get attention because once he was watching a movie and he told me the actress was pretty. I mean what was I suppose to say? Sometimes he asks me stupid questions because it's what I think like what would I do if he cheated on me? Is it just me or is it him? What should I do? What do I do with him? Right now we're in our summer holiday and he's like far away from me and he can only txt or email each other, oh and he even promised me he won't be seeing other girls and that he would kiss me when school starts but I doubt that. Help Please! I'm depressed here.
VictorM's advice:
I think you're being a little harsh on him. It's not easy being a 15 year old boy. There's stuff going on inside his body that makes most teenage boys loopy.
So he asks stupid questions because he doesn't know what else to say. So he made a remark about an actress, what's so bad about that? So he doesn't know how to treat you right... he'll learn. You can teach him by talking nicely to him and explained how you'd like to be treated. And as far as the kiss, well, that first kiss can be a scary thing. I'm sure he's trying to muster the courage to do it.
Maybe instead of looking for his faults, you can, you know, help him a little. Find a quiet place, pucker up your lips, and say: "Kiss me, you fool" with a wink and a smile.
You like the boy, so give him some time to get used to being a wacky 15 year old guy. Trust me on this, once he gets over that first kiss, you better get ready for some major make-out sessions. Your lips will be needing a wheelchair just to get around.
He's gotten into drugs
Neeti, 23, from india, asks:
I've been going steady with a guy for 4 years now, and we love each other a lot. Both his and my parents know, and he openly accepts that he can love nobody but me. But recently, he got mixed up with the "not so good" guys and has got into drugs. When I try and speak to him about it, he gets very defenive and shouts, something he's never done earlier. He now says he wants to end this relation. I think of telling his folks but then decide against it as it would kill them. Help me please.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, telling his parents would kill them, but not as badly as finding out that his son is addicted or dead in a gutter from an overdose. As vulnerable as his parents might look to you, do not ignore the strength they can muster to save their son.
Does your boyfriend have brothers or sisters, uncles or aunts, or very close friends of the family? If so, maybe you want to seek their advice first before going to the parents. But if you want to help him -- forget about your relationship for now -- you have to tell people. Tell anyone who is an authority figure to him or anyone he respects. He might hate you for it for a while, but in the long run, he will come to appreciate your effort.
Keeping quiet is the worst thing you do in a situation like this.
I've been going steady with a guy for 4 years now, and we love each other a lot. Both his and my parents know, and he openly accepts that he can love nobody but me. But recently, he got mixed up with the "not so good" guys and has got into drugs. When I try and speak to him about it, he gets very defenive and shouts, something he's never done earlier. He now says he wants to end this relation. I think of telling his folks but then decide against it as it would kill them. Help me please.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, telling his parents would kill them, but not as badly as finding out that his son is addicted or dead in a gutter from an overdose. As vulnerable as his parents might look to you, do not ignore the strength they can muster to save their son.
Does your boyfriend have brothers or sisters, uncles or aunts, or very close friends of the family? If so, maybe you want to seek their advice first before going to the parents. But if you want to help him -- forget about your relationship for now -- you have to tell people. Tell anyone who is an authority figure to him or anyone he respects. He might hate you for it for a while, but in the long run, he will come to appreciate your effort.
Keeping quiet is the worst thing you do in a situation like this.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
She had fun but doesn't want to appear obsessed
Anonymous, from USA, asks:
I recently went out with this guy pretty much all weekend. I gave him my number at the beginning of the week and by Friday he gave me a call and we went out for drinks. He asked me if I could go to a reception with him in about a week and he also asked if I wanted to go to the pool on Saturday. We spent Saturday day and night together and Sunday night we went to the movies. We both agreed that we had fun and would like to see each other again soon. My question is who should call first this time? Should I call him today and tell him I had a great time this weekend and would like to do it again soon? Do I wait a day or two or should I let him call me? I had a lot of fun with him and would like to see him again soon, but I don't want to come off as obsessed or pushy. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
A simple note (text, IM, email, phone call) to just let him know that you had a great time is the best thing to do. It is polite and effectively communicates your interest without appearing obsessed or pushy.
Just don't go asking him what he wants to name your first born -- guys do fear when girls get too ahead of themselves -- so make it informal, make it simple, but do let him know you had fun. And also make it about him. For example: "Hey [his name] I had a really nice time this weekend. You were such great company." Or, you were funny, or witty, or charming, etc. -- make it about him.
I recently went out with this guy pretty much all weekend. I gave him my number at the beginning of the week and by Friday he gave me a call and we went out for drinks. He asked me if I could go to a reception with him in about a week and he also asked if I wanted to go to the pool on Saturday. We spent Saturday day and night together and Sunday night we went to the movies. We both agreed that we had fun and would like to see each other again soon. My question is who should call first this time? Should I call him today and tell him I had a great time this weekend and would like to do it again soon? Do I wait a day or two or should I let him call me? I had a lot of fun with him and would like to see him again soon, but I don't want to come off as obsessed or pushy. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
A simple note (text, IM, email, phone call) to just let him know that you had a great time is the best thing to do. It is polite and effectively communicates your interest without appearing obsessed or pushy.
Just don't go asking him what he wants to name your first born -- guys do fear when girls get too ahead of themselves -- so make it informal, make it simple, but do let him know you had fun. And also make it about him. For example: "Hey [his name] I had a really nice time this weekend. You were such great company." Or, you were funny, or witty, or charming, etc. -- make it about him.
It's the mighty Kate, again
Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:
I'm backkkkkkkkkkk, as you say.
There's this guy who I see virtually everyday who I've had a crush on since I was nine! I only see him in the summer time, so time with him is precious. Even though I see him often, he seems totally in love with another girl. He follows her around, spends as much time as he can with her, and he speaks to her (which is rare for him--he really doesn't talk), BUT all of my friends have noticed that he's been looking at me a lot, and smiling. Could he maybe like me? What should I do to get to know him better?
VictorM's advice:
Kate, you have more crushes than I have socks!
He likes another girl but they're not boyfriend and girlfriend, right? That means all is fair and you should just flush him with your charm and wit.
To get to know him better, bring up topics you know in advance he likes and knows a lot about. So, let's say for example that you find out he loves soccer. Ask him what he thinks about David Beckham coming to America. Better yet, ask him to explain the offside rule to you (guys will get a woody if they can show off that knowledge to a girl). So basically, find something he likes and let him do the talking. You just smile and compliment him. He'll be eating out of your hand and the other girl will be forgotten.
But, Kate, try to take it easy. I don't want you getting a dating hernia! :)
I'm backkkkkkkkkkk, as you say.
There's this guy who I see virtually everyday who I've had a crush on since I was nine! I only see him in the summer time, so time with him is precious. Even though I see him often, he seems totally in love with another girl. He follows her around, spends as much time as he can with her, and he speaks to her (which is rare for him--he really doesn't talk), BUT all of my friends have noticed that he's been looking at me a lot, and smiling. Could he maybe like me? What should I do to get to know him better?
VictorM's advice:
Kate, you have more crushes than I have socks!
He likes another girl but they're not boyfriend and girlfriend, right? That means all is fair and you should just flush him with your charm and wit.
To get to know him better, bring up topics you know in advance he likes and knows a lot about. So, let's say for example that you find out he loves soccer. Ask him what he thinks about David Beckham coming to America. Better yet, ask him to explain the offside rule to you (guys will get a woody if they can show off that knowledge to a girl). So basically, find something he likes and let him do the talking. You just smile and compliment him. He'll be eating out of your hand and the other girl will be forgotten.
But, Kate, try to take it easy. I don't want you getting a dating hernia! :)
What's wrong with this man?
Julie, 32, from Tennessee, asks:
I met an old friend of mine of 12 years online, we have been talking for three weeks. I use to date his brother, I am married getting ready to go through a divorce, he is divorced. One minute he is telling me he just wants to be friends, he just takes things day by day. And the next minute when I get things figured out here he wants to maybe see where things could go with us. I saw him one time and we kissed and there was a major attraction between us, after I saw him he didn't answer the phone for a few days, he told me that he didn't see me again because he knew that it may have went even farther and he didn't want me to think that he was trying to take advantage of me and finally he sent me a message telling me that, he does like me and wants to see where it can go, and then just last night he told me he wants to be friends and he doesn't want a relationship, what is wrong with this man?
VictorM's advice:
There's absolutely nothing wrong with him, from what you tell me. He's just being a sensible male.
He just wants to be friends FOR NOW, meaning no relationship YET. Although there's an attraction between you two he doesn't want sex because he knows that most women have a hard time drawing the line at sex without a relationship. If he has sex with you the pressure for a relationship follows and he's not ready for that for good reasons: you're still married, he doesn't know you well enough yet, and you used to date his brother (I don't know if that bothers him but it might), so he needs more time to decide what to do. But staying friends allows him to stay in touch with you and get to know you better without feeling that he has to rush into a commitment. He's gone through a divorce and sensible people try to avoid a repetition of that.
Smart man, I say.
I met an old friend of mine of 12 years online, we have been talking for three weeks. I use to date his brother, I am married getting ready to go through a divorce, he is divorced. One minute he is telling me he just wants to be friends, he just takes things day by day. And the next minute when I get things figured out here he wants to maybe see where things could go with us. I saw him one time and we kissed and there was a major attraction between us, after I saw him he didn't answer the phone for a few days, he told me that he didn't see me again because he knew that it may have went even farther and he didn't want me to think that he was trying to take advantage of me and finally he sent me a message telling me that, he does like me and wants to see where it can go, and then just last night he told me he wants to be friends and he doesn't want a relationship, what is wrong with this man?
VictorM's advice:
There's absolutely nothing wrong with him, from what you tell me. He's just being a sensible male.
He just wants to be friends FOR NOW, meaning no relationship YET. Although there's an attraction between you two he doesn't want sex because he knows that most women have a hard time drawing the line at sex without a relationship. If he has sex with you the pressure for a relationship follows and he's not ready for that for good reasons: you're still married, he doesn't know you well enough yet, and you used to date his brother (I don't know if that bothers him but it might), so he needs more time to decide what to do. But staying friends allows him to stay in touch with you and get to know you better without feeling that he has to rush into a commitment. He's gone through a divorce and sensible people try to avoid a repetition of that.
Smart man, I say.
Does flirting mean he likes you?
tina, 15, from FL, asks:
How do you know if a flirty guy likes you? Like he flirts with everyone but acts differently around me. He's kinda shy and more serious around me. I kinda see him staring at me some times. But Im afraid to really make a move since I don't know if he likes me or now.
VictorM's advice:
When a guy flirts it just means he likes to flirt. That he acts differently around you is a much better sign that he probably likes you. But the only move you should be making is encouraging him: smile and compliment him. Let him chase you, even if it will happen at a slower pace than you'd like.
How do you know if a flirty guy likes you? Like he flirts with everyone but acts differently around me. He's kinda shy and more serious around me. I kinda see him staring at me some times. But Im afraid to really make a move since I don't know if he likes me or now.
VictorM's advice:
When a guy flirts it just means he likes to flirt. That he acts differently around you is a much better sign that he probably likes you. But the only move you should be making is encouraging him: smile and compliment him. Let him chase you, even if it will happen at a slower pace than you'd like.
Sweetheart
Sandi, 25, from Philadelphia, asks:
What does it mean when a guy calls you sweetheart?
VictorM's answer:
It depends on the context. It can be condescending and it can be a sign of affection. It shouldn't be too difficult to tell which way it's meant. But when it's meant with affection, it doesn't have to be romantic affection, in case that's what you are asking. Some men use that term loosely.
What does it mean when a guy calls you sweetheart?
VictorM's answer:
It depends on the context. It can be condescending and it can be a sign of affection. It shouldn't be too difficult to tell which way it's meant. But when it's meant with affection, it doesn't have to be romantic affection, in case that's what you are asking. Some men use that term loosely.
Attention from women
terry, 20, from columbus, asks:
Why do guys want attention from women?
VictorM's advice:
Female attention feeds our most dominant feature -- our egos! And while our other dominant feature can improve by 2 or 3 inches -- according to all the spam emails I get -- an ego can be inflated virtually to a size that knows no boundary.
Why do guys want attention from women?
VictorM's advice:
Female attention feeds our most dominant feature -- our egos! And while our other dominant feature can improve by 2 or 3 inches -- according to all the spam emails I get -- an ego can be inflated virtually to a size that knows no boundary.
Ready to marry her after the second date
sharon, 31, from NY, asks:
Met a man, after second date wanted my phone # and said he was going to marry me and I was going to have his kids. He made demands and moved too fast for me. He is upset because he does not want to be friends first. He says live is too short.
VictorM's advice:
You didn't just meet a man; you met an idiot.
You've been warned.
Met a man, after second date wanted my phone # and said he was going to marry me and I was going to have his kids. He made demands and moved too fast for me. He is upset because he does not want to be friends first. He says live is too short.
VictorM's advice:
You didn't just meet a man; you met an idiot.
You've been warned.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Falling
Kgau, 27, from South Africa, asks:
How to make a guy to fall for you?
VictorM’s advice:
When he’s not looking, tie his shoelaces together.
How to make a guy to fall for you?
VictorM’s advice:
When he’s not looking, tie his shoelaces together.
Communication after a first sexual encounter
Susan, 51, from Albuquerque, asks:
I'm back in the dating scene after a fairly long marriage. I seem to be dating much more than I ever did when I was younger so in a sense, all this seems very foreign. I was wondering--- what are reasonable expectations for communication after a first sexual encounter early into a relationship? Recently, I met someone on-line who lives 3 hours away. We have not met in person yet but were making plans for some time soon. In the meantime, we’ve had lots of phone conversations, emails, text and IM. Interest was growing in a nice, mutual way. Our first sexual experience was over the phone. The call ended abruptly. (As I write this I don't know if it was a dead cell battery, he received a text from his son, or it was on purpose because something I said set him off. No clue. I sent a text message and email acknowledging how fulfilling the phone sex was for me but haven't heard back from him. This will probably be old news by the time I get your response but I would be interested in some general ideas on the subject of touching base after sex.
VictorM’s advice:
I don’t think that touching base after sex, in person or otherwise, has changed much. If there’s interest in continuing the relationship, that contact happens. If there is no further interest, then there’s a good chance the guy will do what this guy just did.
I'm back in the dating scene after a fairly long marriage. I seem to be dating much more than I ever did when I was younger so in a sense, all this seems very foreign. I was wondering--- what are reasonable expectations for communication after a first sexual encounter early into a relationship? Recently, I met someone on-line who lives 3 hours away. We have not met in person yet but were making plans for some time soon. In the meantime, we’ve had lots of phone conversations, emails, text and IM. Interest was growing in a nice, mutual way. Our first sexual experience was over the phone. The call ended abruptly. (As I write this I don't know if it was a dead cell battery, he received a text from his son, or it was on purpose because something I said set him off. No clue. I sent a text message and email acknowledging how fulfilling the phone sex was for me but haven't heard back from him. This will probably be old news by the time I get your response but I would be interested in some general ideas on the subject of touching base after sex.
VictorM’s advice:
I don’t think that touching base after sex, in person or otherwise, has changed much. If there’s interest in continuing the relationship, that contact happens. If there is no further interest, then there’s a good chance the guy will do what this guy just did.
She has liked him since she was very little
Gwen, 16, from Alabama, asks:
Ok I have a problem. Ok this guy (lets call him Jake) I have liked him since well I was very little. I met him through my brother whom they were friends. When I was younger we used to flirt and play around with each other. Well as I got older I sort of well moved on to other guys I guess you could say, but I would often think of him. Well my best friend (will call her Liz) Liz started dating a guy that was friends with Jake. So one day Brad (Liz's boyfriend) told Liz that he thought me and Jake would make a cute couple and that he was going to ask Jake if he would double with them.
Well liz calls and tells me and I started freaking out. Well when I got on my myspace that night Jake had asked to be my friend. So I thought that Brad had talked to him. Turns out he didn't and Jake did that all on his own. Well I sent him a message and we talked back and forth for a while. Then he left on vacation to the beach and got back last Saturday. I decided that I was just going to ask him if he might like to do something with me maybe a movie or just to grab a bite to eat? I told him if he wanted to just to let me know when and where and if he didn't that that was perfectly fine with me and I understood. I sent that message on Monday and here it is Friday and nothing. No message back not a no, not a yes, nothing (and it says that he read it) So I'm wondering why has he not sent me a message back? Is he just taking his time cause he is a bit shy or should I just forget about him and realize that he wants nothing to do with me?
VictorM’s advice:
A teen boy has many girls that he likes at once. That’s very common. Boys also like to seduce girls. For guys, most of the fun is getting a girl to day yes to them. They like to think they it’s their smoothness, their wit, their charm that wins a girl over. It’s the journey that’s fun, not a destination.
You went and spoiled all that by inviting him to the movie. So now, you’re the one girl he knows is in the bag, his for the taking. He’s setting his sights on a girl who poses a challenge so he can feel manly and brag that he seduced her. BUT… hey, he thinks, she may say no to him, so he wants to have you sitting pretty on the shelf, at his becking call if and when he ever decides to take you on your offer. So, he doesn’t want to say no, he doesn’t want to say yes yet; he’s stalling.
Ok I have a problem. Ok this guy (lets call him Jake) I have liked him since well I was very little. I met him through my brother whom they were friends. When I was younger we used to flirt and play around with each other. Well as I got older I sort of well moved on to other guys I guess you could say, but I would often think of him. Well my best friend (will call her Liz) Liz started dating a guy that was friends with Jake. So one day Brad (Liz's boyfriend) told Liz that he thought me and Jake would make a cute couple and that he was going to ask Jake if he would double with them.
Well liz calls and tells me and I started freaking out. Well when I got on my myspace that night Jake had asked to be my friend. So I thought that Brad had talked to him. Turns out he didn't and Jake did that all on his own. Well I sent him a message and we talked back and forth for a while. Then he left on vacation to the beach and got back last Saturday. I decided that I was just going to ask him if he might like to do something with me maybe a movie or just to grab a bite to eat? I told him if he wanted to just to let me know when and where and if he didn't that that was perfectly fine with me and I understood. I sent that message on Monday and here it is Friday and nothing. No message back not a no, not a yes, nothing (and it says that he read it) So I'm wondering why has he not sent me a message back? Is he just taking his time cause he is a bit shy or should I just forget about him and realize that he wants nothing to do with me?
VictorM’s advice:
A teen boy has many girls that he likes at once. That’s very common. Boys also like to seduce girls. For guys, most of the fun is getting a girl to day yes to them. They like to think they it’s their smoothness, their wit, their charm that wins a girl over. It’s the journey that’s fun, not a destination.
You went and spoiled all that by inviting him to the movie. So now, you’re the one girl he knows is in the bag, his for the taking. He’s setting his sights on a girl who poses a challenge so he can feel manly and brag that he seduced her. BUT… hey, he thinks, she may say no to him, so he wants to have you sitting pretty on the shelf, at his becking call if and when he ever decides to take you on your offer. So, he doesn’t want to say no, he doesn’t want to say yes yet; he’s stalling.
They tell fart jokes and burp
Hope, 22, from North Carolina, asks:
I have one really great guy friend. He is a few years older than me, but we get along great. We have almost all of the same interest music, movies, we both love to workout...etc, I have even set him up with other girls. I have never looked at him more than a friend, however, my friends have seen us together and they say that there is something more there. We are very comfortable around each other, we make farting jokes, burp, all of the guys things around each other. He pretty much considers me to be one of the guys. We also flirt with each other because we are both like that and we also both pick on each other. Not only are we comfortable to do all that around each other but we have told each other some very personal things because we trust each other that much. What we have told each other is not something that you would just tell anyone. I know that I don't look like the girls that he wants to be with physically but I have all the qualities. I have never thought anything but now that my friends are mentioning things I am starting to wonder. I don't want to do anything if they are wrong. So is there are chance that he likes me or are we that great of friends like I think?
VictorM’s advice:
There’s just as good a chance that he likes you as just friends as there is that he wants something more. But one thing is for sure: don’t go by what your friends say.
You really have to stop being “one of the guys” if you want to find out if he has an interest beyond being friends. What guy wants to date “one of the guys”?
Stop with the fart jokes and burping. Frankly, is there anything romantic about that? If you want him to think of you as a girl worth dating, start acting like one.
I have one really great guy friend. He is a few years older than me, but we get along great. We have almost all of the same interest music, movies, we both love to workout...etc, I have even set him up with other girls. I have never looked at him more than a friend, however, my friends have seen us together and they say that there is something more there. We are very comfortable around each other, we make farting jokes, burp, all of the guys things around each other. He pretty much considers me to be one of the guys. We also flirt with each other because we are both like that and we also both pick on each other. Not only are we comfortable to do all that around each other but we have told each other some very personal things because we trust each other that much. What we have told each other is not something that you would just tell anyone. I know that I don't look like the girls that he wants to be with physically but I have all the qualities. I have never thought anything but now that my friends are mentioning things I am starting to wonder. I don't want to do anything if they are wrong. So is there are chance that he likes me or are we that great of friends like I think?
VictorM’s advice:
There’s just as good a chance that he likes you as just friends as there is that he wants something more. But one thing is for sure: don’t go by what your friends say.
You really have to stop being “one of the guys” if you want to find out if he has an interest beyond being friends. What guy wants to date “one of the guys”?
Stop with the fart jokes and burping. Frankly, is there anything romantic about that? If you want him to think of you as a girl worth dating, start acting like one.
She irritated him and he told her so
Susie asks:
A guy and I have had a long distance friendship with texts and a few calls over the past few months. He hates texting and one week I went overboard trying to get him to respond to some of my texts. He got really irritated and told me so, and told me to just let the relationship happen naturally. I have since backed off totally, and we have had no contact for 2 weeks now. Is it over or what? Am I doing the right thing by backing off?
VictorM’s advice:
It’s a good thing he was direct with you. It’s possible that your persistence was enough to turn him off. But you have nothing to gain by totally backing off now. You are a person who likes to have contact so you shouldn’t go so much against your nature. Yes, you want to accommodate him, but what’s the point of doing so if you’re going to give up something that’s so natural to you?
Another reason you should contact him is because otherwise you don’t know what’s going on. You are entitled to know. So I suggest you contact him but don’t bring anything about the previous message. Just text him and behave like nothing happened. Tell him something you normally would say.
You should respect your preference to text him and his not to respond as often. Wanting the other person to like exactly what you like is a relationship killer.
A guy and I have had a long distance friendship with texts and a few calls over the past few months. He hates texting and one week I went overboard trying to get him to respond to some of my texts. He got really irritated and told me so, and told me to just let the relationship happen naturally. I have since backed off totally, and we have had no contact for 2 weeks now. Is it over or what? Am I doing the right thing by backing off?
VictorM’s advice:
It’s a good thing he was direct with you. It’s possible that your persistence was enough to turn him off. But you have nothing to gain by totally backing off now. You are a person who likes to have contact so you shouldn’t go so much against your nature. Yes, you want to accommodate him, but what’s the point of doing so if you’re going to give up something that’s so natural to you?
Another reason you should contact him is because otherwise you don’t know what’s going on. You are entitled to know. So I suggest you contact him but don’t bring anything about the previous message. Just text him and behave like nothing happened. Tell him something you normally would say.
You should respect your preference to text him and his not to respond as often. Wanting the other person to like exactly what you like is a relationship killer.
He has never given her oral sex
Lynn, 23, from new jersey, asks:
I've been with my guy over a year. We plan on getting married and can talk about anything but this...The whole time we have been together he has never given me oral sex. I don’t know how to bring it up. I am self conscious as it is because he barely wants to have sex and I don't know why. He says it’s because I am not on birth control. I have NEVER had this problem with a guy before. I've given him oral but the favor has never been returned. I am too embarrassed to bring it up...Help!
VictorM’s advice:
You’re too embarrassed to talk about this and you’re ready to marry him? Um… OK.
Not all guys like oral sex. Same as not all guys like sucking toes, or screw animals, or get spanked. Oral sex hasn’t always been popular and in many cultures, it still isn’t. But is that the reason he doesn’t do it? I don’t know and there is no way to tell. But I also don’t buy him not wanting sex because you’re not on birth control. Most guys would be pushing you to do get the pill, not avoid sex.
I think this guy has too many sexual hang-ups, probably more than you realized. And you may have some of your own if you can’t bring up oral sex as a subject.
You really have to have a talk with him about sex in general, not just oral sex. I don’t have any magic words for you to get over your embarrassment, but somehow, you have to find the nerve to do it.
Does anyone have any ideas for Lynn about getting over her embarrassment?
I've been with my guy over a year. We plan on getting married and can talk about anything but this...The whole time we have been together he has never given me oral sex. I don’t know how to bring it up. I am self conscious as it is because he barely wants to have sex and I don't know why. He says it’s because I am not on birth control. I have NEVER had this problem with a guy before. I've given him oral but the favor has never been returned. I am too embarrassed to bring it up...Help!
VictorM’s advice:
You’re too embarrassed to talk about this and you’re ready to marry him? Um… OK.
Not all guys like oral sex. Same as not all guys like sucking toes, or screw animals, or get spanked. Oral sex hasn’t always been popular and in many cultures, it still isn’t. But is that the reason he doesn’t do it? I don’t know and there is no way to tell. But I also don’t buy him not wanting sex because you’re not on birth control. Most guys would be pushing you to do get the pill, not avoid sex.
I think this guy has too many sexual hang-ups, probably more than you realized. And you may have some of your own if you can’t bring up oral sex as a subject.
You really have to have a talk with him about sex in general, not just oral sex. I don’t have any magic words for you to get over your embarrassment, but somehow, you have to find the nerve to do it.
Does anyone have any ideas for Lynn about getting over her embarrassment?
She has a major crush on a huge jerk
Jen, 13, from California, asks:
Hey there! Okay, right into it. I have a major crush on a guy who is a huge jerk and teases me a lot, but it's gotten more playful recently. Two girls are fighting over him, and he's #1 on girls' want-to-date list. Is he just being a jerk, or is he into me, or is he messing with my head? Thanks
VictorM’s advice:
You answered your own question when you said he was a jerk. That’s what jerks do; they mess with people’s heads. If you have something to do with him, you’ll be a bigger jerk. So think before you act.
Hey there! Okay, right into it. I have a major crush on a guy who is a huge jerk and teases me a lot, but it's gotten more playful recently. Two girls are fighting over him, and he's #1 on girls' want-to-date list. Is he just being a jerk, or is he into me, or is he messing with my head? Thanks
VictorM’s advice:
You answered your own question when you said he was a jerk. That’s what jerks do; they mess with people’s heads. If you have something to do with him, you’ll be a bigger jerk. So think before you act.
He says she's acting childish
SHANICE, 17, from: BROOKLYN, asks:
I'm not in a relationship but I think I am in love with this boy. But the thing is he says I act too childish because I am scared to come and see him, I am scared to kiss him, and to do other things with him that I know I want do with him. So how can I stop acting childish and act like I like him.
VictorM’s advice:
He’s just taunting you to provoke to do things that he wants you to do. The last thing you want to do is respond to what he wants. You’re not ready for it, and that is fine. You, and only you, will know when it’s the right time to kiss a boy and do other things with him. If he doesn’t understand that, then he’s the childish one. Don't rush it.
I'm not in a relationship but I think I am in love with this boy. But the thing is he says I act too childish because I am scared to come and see him, I am scared to kiss him, and to do other things with him that I know I want do with him. So how can I stop acting childish and act like I like him.
VictorM’s advice:
He’s just taunting you to provoke to do things that he wants you to do. The last thing you want to do is respond to what he wants. You’re not ready for it, and that is fine. You, and only you, will know when it’s the right time to kiss a boy and do other things with him. If he doesn’t understand that, then he’s the childish one. Don't rush it.
How does she know he misses her?
Leesa, 25, from Ohio, asks:
I met the guy I'm seeing about a year and a half ago, but we had emailed professionally back and forth for about 8 months before that. He moved to my area to do a internship for a year. We quickly became friends and that was pretty much it. We were both in relationships, mine for four years (boyfriend) and his for 11 (marriage). We would talk a lot at work, but not much on the side. I had been having problems for a while with my boyfriend and soon broke up. Later, a few months after I started to develop some feelings, and eventually told him I didn't think our relationship was a healthy one, since he was married. He however had continued his relationship up until she asked for a divorce about 6 months ago. Up until this point we had only hugged and nothing more. Soon after her decision was made, we started spending much more time together and quickly things became physical. We have had a connection from the beginning, but tried to deny it. It has come time now for him to move home. He has not told me he loves me, but I have disclosed my feelings. He says he does want to continue to have a relationship with me although it will be long distance. We have talked about what would happen if we can make it work long-distance for a year. He thinks at that time, maybe we should take it to the next level. I guess I'm just worried because he only calls me once a day, it's everyday, but usually at the end of it. I used to see him all day, everyday and get cute little emails. The attention has pretty much come to a slow pace. Should I be worried? I know he just moved into an empty house (literally), started a new job and everything is probably crazy, but I miss him! How do I know he misses me??
VictorM’s advice:
He doesn’t miss you. Not the same way you miss him. But there’s nothing wrong with that. Girls are much more prone to the whole “I miss” you routine. It’s not that guys don’t think of girls and don’t wish they could be with them -- some guys even utter the words “I miss you” -- but guys are more likely to accept their fate, carry on with life, keep some contact but not a lot because e-mails, text, instant messages, even phone, are a pain in the ass for most guys. They’re not fulfilling as they are to females. Accept that as a difference between guys and girls and worry a lot less. His emails declining are just an indication that he’s a normal male, not that his feelings have changed.
I met the guy I'm seeing about a year and a half ago, but we had emailed professionally back and forth for about 8 months before that. He moved to my area to do a internship for a year. We quickly became friends and that was pretty much it. We were both in relationships, mine for four years (boyfriend) and his for 11 (marriage). We would talk a lot at work, but not much on the side. I had been having problems for a while with my boyfriend and soon broke up. Later, a few months after I started to develop some feelings, and eventually told him I didn't think our relationship was a healthy one, since he was married. He however had continued his relationship up until she asked for a divorce about 6 months ago. Up until this point we had only hugged and nothing more. Soon after her decision was made, we started spending much more time together and quickly things became physical. We have had a connection from the beginning, but tried to deny it. It has come time now for him to move home. He has not told me he loves me, but I have disclosed my feelings. He says he does want to continue to have a relationship with me although it will be long distance. We have talked about what would happen if we can make it work long-distance for a year. He thinks at that time, maybe we should take it to the next level. I guess I'm just worried because he only calls me once a day, it's everyday, but usually at the end of it. I used to see him all day, everyday and get cute little emails. The attention has pretty much come to a slow pace. Should I be worried? I know he just moved into an empty house (literally), started a new job and everything is probably crazy, but I miss him! How do I know he misses me??
VictorM’s advice:
He doesn’t miss you. Not the same way you miss him. But there’s nothing wrong with that. Girls are much more prone to the whole “I miss” you routine. It’s not that guys don’t think of girls and don’t wish they could be with them -- some guys even utter the words “I miss you” -- but guys are more likely to accept their fate, carry on with life, keep some contact but not a lot because e-mails, text, instant messages, even phone, are a pain in the ass for most guys. They’re not fulfilling as they are to females. Accept that as a difference between guys and girls and worry a lot less. His emails declining are just an indication that he’s a normal male, not that his feelings have changed.
She has helped him with dates
Stephanie, 21, from Texas, asks:
Here’s my situation. I have a guy best friend. I know more about him than most and he knows more about me because I trust him. I have helped him get dates with girls (could say I am his wingman). We talk a lot, we flirt (because we are both flirts), we joke, pick on each other he treats me like one of the guys and has told me that. I know what kind of girl he wants, he has given me all the qualities and I fit about 80% of them, I don't fit the looks, he has told me so that I can find a girl for him. Personally I don't think that he would ever "like me" but all of my friends have been telling me that he does or something is going to happen. We hang out and have about 90% of the same interests. I want to know does he like me or not. I think it is just a great friendship but then everyone is telling me that he likes me, so does he?
VictorM’s advice:
No, he doesn’t like you “like that” and your friends are just letting you know their wishful thoughts. Don’t listen to them.
And don’t listen to him about your looks or what the other 20% are. That’s just nonsense. You’ve heard the expression “blinded by love”? If he falls for you, you’ll be the most beautiful girl in the world, and even if you aren’t, he won’t care.
But you’re not going to change his mind if you act just like a buddy, a pal, a friend. Stop helping him with dates. Tell him that if he can’t see the one that’s best for him he’s an idiot. Start acting less like a friend and more like a member of the opposite sex interested in him. And keep some things to yourself. Some mystery is a key ingredient of a courtship.
Here’s my situation. I have a guy best friend. I know more about him than most and he knows more about me because I trust him. I have helped him get dates with girls (could say I am his wingman). We talk a lot, we flirt (because we are both flirts), we joke, pick on each other he treats me like one of the guys and has told me that. I know what kind of girl he wants, he has given me all the qualities and I fit about 80% of them, I don't fit the looks, he has told me so that I can find a girl for him. Personally I don't think that he would ever "like me" but all of my friends have been telling me that he does or something is going to happen. We hang out and have about 90% of the same interests. I want to know does he like me or not. I think it is just a great friendship but then everyone is telling me that he likes me, so does he?
VictorM’s advice:
No, he doesn’t like you “like that” and your friends are just letting you know their wishful thoughts. Don’t listen to them.
And don’t listen to him about your looks or what the other 20% are. That’s just nonsense. You’ve heard the expression “blinded by love”? If he falls for you, you’ll be the most beautiful girl in the world, and even if you aren’t, he won’t care.
But you’re not going to change his mind if you act just like a buddy, a pal, a friend. Stop helping him with dates. Tell him that if he can’t see the one that’s best for him he’s an idiot. Start acting less like a friend and more like a member of the opposite sex interested in him. And keep some things to yourself. Some mystery is a key ingredient of a courtship.
Friday, July 13, 2007
She felt she had to win
Sara, 18, from Tennessee, asks:
Ok, so I met this guy through a guy I used to work with. Me and the guy from work had gone out a few times and we made out once at a party, but nothing serious. Then my so-called “best friend” slept with him. Anyways, I was mad and felt I had to “win” by being the last one to hang out/ hook up with him. Me and a different friend went to a party they invited us to and things went differently than expected. I ended up talking to his best friend/ roommate all night and hooking up with him (not sex). After that me and this new guy texted each other every once in a while and then he invited me to party with them again. This time we went back to his house and had sex. It was my first time and he knew it was my first time. After that our texts got more frequent and we called each other a few times too. Then at another party things got messed up and I ended up drunkenly making out with the aforementioned coworker/roomate. My best friend was in the hall with the other guy and told me to come out and talk to him. He refused to talk to me, but she said she had asked him if he liked me or just wanted to hook up. He said he liked me but didn’t want to talk about it with her. I went downstairs, then he came after me a few minutes later. I apologized and we ended up talking for a long time- but not at all about us. Little did I know I had a fever. He told me I was burning up and kept asking if I felt okay and assuring me I’d be alright and gave me the biggest hug. Later that night we had sex again. After that our texting and talking got a lot more frequent, but he still hasn’t come out and said he likes me. I hung out with him and his roommate again over the weekend and we watched a movie and cuddled on the couch. We had sex, but this time neither of us were drunk. He was late to work the next day because he kept resetting the alarm and cuddling with me. I’m pretty sure he likes me, but he won’t come out and say it. I’m almost positive I’m the only one he’s doing anything with so I don’t see why we are stuck as sex partners and text message friends. Actually, I’m not exactly sure what we are. Things are okay the way they are, but the fact that pretty much the only time I see him we are at a party is getting old. I want to say something about it to him, but I’m not sure what to say or how to go about it. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
He's not ready to be in a serious relationship with you. There could be a lot of reasons for that, but if he likes your company and having sex with you from time to time, he's getting exactly what he wants, so why should he change anything? Conversely, you'd be a fool to continue with the present arrangement if you're not satisfied with it.
You can't control his feelings and his reaction, but you have total control over your actions and words. So what you should do depends on what outcome you want. Guys don't like rushing into a relationship and when they get sex that makes them want to rush even less, not more. If you want a different result, cut out the sex. You'll soon found out just exactly how interested in you he really is, or is not. Do you have the balls to take the chance? If not, he'll see ya at the next party.
Ok, so I met this guy through a guy I used to work with. Me and the guy from work had gone out a few times and we made out once at a party, but nothing serious. Then my so-called “best friend” slept with him. Anyways, I was mad and felt I had to “win” by being the last one to hang out/ hook up with him. Me and a different friend went to a party they invited us to and things went differently than expected. I ended up talking to his best friend/ roommate all night and hooking up with him (not sex). After that me and this new guy texted each other every once in a while and then he invited me to party with them again. This time we went back to his house and had sex. It was my first time and he knew it was my first time. After that our texts got more frequent and we called each other a few times too. Then at another party things got messed up and I ended up drunkenly making out with the aforementioned coworker/roomate. My best friend was in the hall with the other guy and told me to come out and talk to him. He refused to talk to me, but she said she had asked him if he liked me or just wanted to hook up. He said he liked me but didn’t want to talk about it with her. I went downstairs, then he came after me a few minutes later. I apologized and we ended up talking for a long time- but not at all about us. Little did I know I had a fever. He told me I was burning up and kept asking if I felt okay and assuring me I’d be alright and gave me the biggest hug. Later that night we had sex again. After that our texting and talking got a lot more frequent, but he still hasn’t come out and said he likes me. I hung out with him and his roommate again over the weekend and we watched a movie and cuddled on the couch. We had sex, but this time neither of us were drunk. He was late to work the next day because he kept resetting the alarm and cuddling with me. I’m pretty sure he likes me, but he won’t come out and say it. I’m almost positive I’m the only one he’s doing anything with so I don’t see why we are stuck as sex partners and text message friends. Actually, I’m not exactly sure what we are. Things are okay the way they are, but the fact that pretty much the only time I see him we are at a party is getting old. I want to say something about it to him, but I’m not sure what to say or how to go about it. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
He's not ready to be in a serious relationship with you. There could be a lot of reasons for that, but if he likes your company and having sex with you from time to time, he's getting exactly what he wants, so why should he change anything? Conversely, you'd be a fool to continue with the present arrangement if you're not satisfied with it.
You can't control his feelings and his reaction, but you have total control over your actions and words. So what you should do depends on what outcome you want. Guys don't like rushing into a relationship and when they get sex that makes them want to rush even less, not more. If you want a different result, cut out the sex. You'll soon found out just exactly how interested in you he really is, or is not. Do you have the balls to take the chance? If not, he'll see ya at the next party.
He said something inappropriate
Jenna, 17, from NY, asks:
I went to a party with a couple of my girlfriends, and hooked up with the host. We got pretty drunk and made out. The next couple of days he texted me on and off, just to talk. The last texting convo ended because he said something inappropriate to me and I asked him why he was talking dirty, we're just friends. Then one of my girlfriends had a party at her house and he was invited. He asked a couple of people that were attending to make sure I was ok with it. I said I was, he came, we hookedup again. He told me he'd call me the next day to hang out, but he never did. It's been 3 days and I haven't heard from him. He lives down the block from me. He is also considered to be a nice guy. And when we were together, he seemed to be. But why isn't he calling? Should I call or text him something cute?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe there was a misunderstand about when he was going to call. Maybe he had a little too much to drink and forgot? There could be lots of reasons for the no call. If you're interested in talking to him, call him.
By the way, good for you for telling him he said something inappropriate.
I went to a party with a couple of my girlfriends, and hooked up with the host. We got pretty drunk and made out. The next couple of days he texted me on and off, just to talk. The last texting convo ended because he said something inappropriate to me and I asked him why he was talking dirty, we're just friends. Then one of my girlfriends had a party at her house and he was invited. He asked a couple of people that were attending to make sure I was ok with it. I said I was, he came, we hookedup again. He told me he'd call me the next day to hang out, but he never did. It's been 3 days and I haven't heard from him. He lives down the block from me. He is also considered to be a nice guy. And when we were together, he seemed to be. But why isn't he calling? Should I call or text him something cute?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe there was a misunderstand about when he was going to call. Maybe he had a little too much to drink and forgot? There could be lots of reasons for the no call. If you're interested in talking to him, call him.
By the way, good for you for telling him he said something inappropriate.
She likes her friend as more than friends
Melissa, 13, from NY, asks:
I know that I started liking my boy best friend as more than just a friend, what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing. Continue to be his best friend. When he's ready for girls, he'll notice.
I know that I started liking my boy best friend as more than just a friend, what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Nothing. Continue to be his best friend. When he's ready for girls, he'll notice.
He suddenly changed
grace, 16, from maryland, asks:
I met this guy in the skatepark and we started to talk. He was really freindly. When he found out that I was going to his school next year he asked if I will take him to the prom. I asked if he was serious and he said "yeah, sure why not". We started talking every time he skated for a round he sat next to me and we talked. I told him I wanted to see him wear skinny jeans cuz I saw some guy wear it and he told me he wasn't gonna wear it because it was hot but he could bring it and show it to me the next, but I didn't go cuz it was rainy. One weekend I asked him if he was coming to the park and he said he didn't know but he was going to call me if he was coming then he asked for my number though he didn't call me the weekend. I called to find out but he was at a game so he said he will call me back but I was probally asleep and didn't pick up. So I called the next day and he didn't pick up and again he would pick up but won't say anything and make some silly jokes but he later on told me it was his brother who was messing with his phone. People started to notice us talking and thought we liked each other i was with my skateboard daily but I never skated and he interested to see me skate but I told him I didn't want that want to skate and i was bad at it. He will alway say: "why do you even come here if you don't want to skate?" He was funny cuz at first he always asked me to use his helmet. He offered to help me and told me to bring my skating stuff the next day but I didn't come till after a week. When I arrived at the park he started to ignore me and be kinda mean to me. I asked him why and he said I was taking his skating time away and that I leave him alone. I got the whole thing and stop talking to him. One day I brought my board and tried to learn how to skate and he started to help me. After, that we didn't really talk that much. I asked for helmet in front of his freinds and said no and cracked up with his freinds. I learn how to skate though I always give an excuse not to skate. I got pissed off that he said mean things. That was the last time we talked but I noticed he stares at me sometimes. The next day I was trying my best to learn how to skate and he wasn't there but I met one of his older friends who helped me out and told me I should practice and that when john (the guy) comes back from England he will be surprised to see what I can do. Right now he is in England. He will be back. So would you tell what is going with him and why he suddenly changed and everything? Does he like me or hated me or what? I am comfused, what's going on in this guys head?
VictorM's advice:
What makes you think much is going on inside his head?
You and him started to meet regularly, he enjoyed being with you, and then for one week you didn't show up. He took your one week absence personally and felt you didn't care for him. That explains the cold shoulder when you showed up again.
As for the cracks and mean things when his friends were present, well, that is quite common. He probably was pissed off at you for not showing up and so in front of them he HAD to show he was tough. It's that simple.
After a little while, he softened up and started coming around again. So... really, there's not much going on on his head. Just typical boy stuff trying to deal with a girl he likes.
PS. Grace, just so you know, I don't respond to personal emails.
I met this guy in the skatepark and we started to talk. He was really freindly. When he found out that I was going to his school next year he asked if I will take him to the prom. I asked if he was serious and he said "yeah, sure why not". We started talking every time he skated for a round he sat next to me and we talked. I told him I wanted to see him wear skinny jeans cuz I saw some guy wear it and he told me he wasn't gonna wear it because it was hot but he could bring it and show it to me the next, but I didn't go cuz it was rainy. One weekend I asked him if he was coming to the park and he said he didn't know but he was going to call me if he was coming then he asked for my number though he didn't call me the weekend. I called to find out but he was at a game so he said he will call me back but I was probally asleep and didn't pick up. So I called the next day and he didn't pick up and again he would pick up but won't say anything and make some silly jokes but he later on told me it was his brother who was messing with his phone. People started to notice us talking and thought we liked each other i was with my skateboard daily but I never skated and he interested to see me skate but I told him I didn't want that want to skate and i was bad at it. He will alway say: "why do you even come here if you don't want to skate?" He was funny cuz at first he always asked me to use his helmet. He offered to help me and told me to bring my skating stuff the next day but I didn't come till after a week. When I arrived at the park he started to ignore me and be kinda mean to me. I asked him why and he said I was taking his skating time away and that I leave him alone. I got the whole thing and stop talking to him. One day I brought my board and tried to learn how to skate and he started to help me. After, that we didn't really talk that much. I asked for helmet in front of his freinds and said no and cracked up with his freinds. I learn how to skate though I always give an excuse not to skate. I got pissed off that he said mean things. That was the last time we talked but I noticed he stares at me sometimes. The next day I was trying my best to learn how to skate and he wasn't there but I met one of his older friends who helped me out and told me I should practice and that when john (the guy) comes back from England he will be surprised to see what I can do. Right now he is in England. He will be back. So would you tell what is going with him and why he suddenly changed and everything? Does he like me or hated me or what? I am comfused, what's going on in this guys head?
VictorM's advice:
What makes you think much is going on inside his head?
You and him started to meet regularly, he enjoyed being with you, and then for one week you didn't show up. He took your one week absence personally and felt you didn't care for him. That explains the cold shoulder when you showed up again.
As for the cracks and mean things when his friends were present, well, that is quite common. He probably was pissed off at you for not showing up and so in front of them he HAD to show he was tough. It's that simple.
After a little while, he softened up and started coming around again. So... really, there's not much going on on his head. Just typical boy stuff trying to deal with a girl he likes.
PS. Grace, just so you know, I don't respond to personal emails.
She didn't like the way he talked to her
Payton, 15, asks:
Thanks for your previous help with my boyfriend and the guy I am a little interested in.
I talked to this boy (let's call him X) and I told him how I didn't like the way he talked to me and I stopped talking to him. I felt a little bad, but relieved that I had done it to gain all of my boyfriend's trust (since he didn't trust me a little bit after how I talked to X). But the following night, I actually had a dream that involved X. It wasn't a romantic dream, I remember I was running on this track and every time I passed him, my legs wouldn't let me stop and say hi. Does this mean anything? Was I too harsh on him to not talk to him AT ALL?
VictorM's advice:
Welcome back Payton. You did what you felt you wanted to do. X knew you had a boyfriend so maybe not talking to him makes sense. At least for now. You can always change that, if you want.
It's good to want the trust of your boyfriend, and in this case, I think he might have had a point, but at the same time, don't let this become a habit. If your boyfriend is going to have issues every time you talk to a male friend, he has a problem that you should recognize.
I believe dreams are a reflection of what's on your mind during the day. Dreams are one way your subconscious addresses doubts, questions, and fears you wrestle with during the day. In this case, at a conscientious level you question your decision, but your subconscious is telling you that you did the right thing. In this example, when you're running on a track, your purpose is to run. The only way to talk to him is to stop but that would prevent you from doing what you are there to do. In real life, he was preventing you from having a better relationship with your boyfriend. Your dream (really, your subconscious) is telling that you did the right thing.
And in case you wonder what's the difference between your conscious and subconscious in matters like this, it's quite simple. At a conscious level, you worry about things like what friends will thing, what people will say, what might happen in the future, the boy's feelings, etc. Your subconscious says screw all that, let's deal with right and wrong only. You should never ignore one on behalf of the other, after all, we do live in a society and sometimes we need to consider those around us, but if you listen to both, more often than not, you make the right decisions for you.
You've done the right thing, Payton.
Thanks for your previous help with my boyfriend and the guy I am a little interested in.
I talked to this boy (let's call him X) and I told him how I didn't like the way he talked to me and I stopped talking to him. I felt a little bad, but relieved that I had done it to gain all of my boyfriend's trust (since he didn't trust me a little bit after how I talked to X). But the following night, I actually had a dream that involved X. It wasn't a romantic dream, I remember I was running on this track and every time I passed him, my legs wouldn't let me stop and say hi. Does this mean anything? Was I too harsh on him to not talk to him AT ALL?
VictorM's advice:
Welcome back Payton. You did what you felt you wanted to do. X knew you had a boyfriend so maybe not talking to him makes sense. At least for now. You can always change that, if you want.
It's good to want the trust of your boyfriend, and in this case, I think he might have had a point, but at the same time, don't let this become a habit. If your boyfriend is going to have issues every time you talk to a male friend, he has a problem that you should recognize.
I believe dreams are a reflection of what's on your mind during the day. Dreams are one way your subconscious addresses doubts, questions, and fears you wrestle with during the day. In this case, at a conscientious level you question your decision, but your subconscious is telling you that you did the right thing. In this example, when you're running on a track, your purpose is to run. The only way to talk to him is to stop but that would prevent you from doing what you are there to do. In real life, he was preventing you from having a better relationship with your boyfriend. Your dream (really, your subconscious) is telling that you did the right thing.
And in case you wonder what's the difference between your conscious and subconscious in matters like this, it's quite simple. At a conscious level, you worry about things like what friends will thing, what people will say, what might happen in the future, the boy's feelings, etc. Your subconscious says screw all that, let's deal with right and wrong only. You should never ignore one on behalf of the other, after all, we do live in a society and sometimes we need to consider those around us, but if you listen to both, more often than not, you make the right decisions for you.
You've done the right thing, Payton.
Her best friend might like her, maybe
jaylee, 14 and add a few, from the universal galaxies, asks:
He acts like a jerk!!!-boy problem!!!!?
My guy friend of 3 years now might like me, I think. I've had a crush on him for a while now and I just want to know if he likes me! First of all, he makes fun of me constantly, which sometimes gets really annoying! He'll say he's so smart and I'm stupid or something like that. He also made up this sort of nickname for me...starts with a "W" and calls me it constantly while poking me (he never actually calls me by my real name!) On one occasion last year, he grabbed me around my waist to drag me away from a joke he wrote about me on the chalkboard at school, this was in front of my friends too. He acts really annoying and stuck up too sometimes. Also, he's a real nerd (i love that!) and shows off sometimes too. Does he like me?
VictorM's answer:
Yes, he likes you a lot. No teen boy would pay that much attention to a girl unless he liked her. He just isn't ready for a guy-girl kinda thing yet. He's too immature for it. Just wait a little longer.
He acts like a jerk!!!-boy problem!!!!?
My guy friend of 3 years now might like me, I think. I've had a crush on him for a while now and I just want to know if he likes me! First of all, he makes fun of me constantly, which sometimes gets really annoying! He'll say he's so smart and I'm stupid or something like that. He also made up this sort of nickname for me...starts with a "W" and calls me it constantly while poking me (he never actually calls me by my real name!) On one occasion last year, he grabbed me around my waist to drag me away from a joke he wrote about me on the chalkboard at school, this was in front of my friends too. He acts really annoying and stuck up too sometimes. Also, he's a real nerd (i love that!) and shows off sometimes too. Does he like me?
VictorM's answer:
Yes, he likes you a lot. No teen boy would pay that much attention to a girl unless he liked her. He just isn't ready for a guy-girl kinda thing yet. He's too immature for it. Just wait a little longer.
He doesn't trust her but she caught him cheating
Alexis, 24, from NewYork, asks:
My boyfriend fell for me fast. He soon started doubting me because I am friends with my ex (he thinks there's sex but there isn't , scout's honor). I caught him cheating with a girl I know he slept with in the past, said he had trust issues, I forgave him. He swears he loves me, is lucky I took him back, wants to make it up to me, but now I NEVER see him and he barely calls. He is busy with work but a 30 sec phone call is always possible. Is there any hope?
VictorM's advice:
For your sake, I hope there's no hope. You seem too naive to recognize a lemon when you see one.
My boyfriend fell for me fast. He soon started doubting me because I am friends with my ex (he thinks there's sex but there isn't , scout's honor). I caught him cheating with a girl I know he slept with in the past, said he had trust issues, I forgave him. He swears he loves me, is lucky I took him back, wants to make it up to me, but now I NEVER see him and he barely calls. He is busy with work but a 30 sec phone call is always possible. Is there any hope?
VictorM's advice:
For your sake, I hope there's no hope. You seem too naive to recognize a lemon when you see one.
They play around and they argue
denise, 16, from calumet city, asks:
My best friends brother is so cute and I really like him but I'm not really sure if he likes me. Every time that I go over their house we play around and argue but somehow when no one is around we seem to get along well enough to hug and touch each other and we say we hate each other but when we're alone we can't stop paying attention to one another. I love him as a friend but should I seek for more?
VictorM's advice:
1. He likes you.
2. Don't rush things. Enjoy the fun and games. Let things built up slowly. Let him be the one chasing you.
3. Have fun tormenting him.
My best friends brother is so cute and I really like him but I'm not really sure if he likes me. Every time that I go over their house we play around and argue but somehow when no one is around we seem to get along well enough to hug and touch each other and we say we hate each other but when we're alone we can't stop paying attention to one another. I love him as a friend but should I seek for more?
VictorM's advice:
1. He likes you.
2. Don't rush things. Enjoy the fun and games. Let things built up slowly. Let him be the one chasing you.
3. Have fun tormenting him.
How to make him fall deeply in love?
Lezmarie, 18, from Florida, asks:
How do you make a guy that is already attracted to you fall deeply in love with you? How would you have to act around him?
VictorM's advice:
Make him feel smart and sexy around you. Quite easy, isn't it?
How do you make a guy that is already attracted to you fall deeply in love with you? How would you have to act around him?
VictorM's advice:
Make him feel smart and sexy around you. Quite easy, isn't it?
She wants the family reunion; he wants the fastball tournament
Teresa, 37, from Ontario, asks:
My family reunion is coming up and it coincides with my man's provincial men's fastball tournament. The reunion starts Friday night and ends Sunday afternoon and the tournament pretty much the same (but they might lose and not play Sunday). He said he would come out Saturday night for the supper and stay overnight to Sunday (possibly). We're camping with my two kids. This reunion was planned before the tournament and many of my relatives are going to be there. We've been together a year and a half. He has in the past put his stuff (hockey, ball and sports) in front of me and my activities.
VictorM's advice:
Oh please... he's putting nothing in front of you! You can easily spend time with your family while he spends time with his friends. His willingness to go meet you on Saturday is quite generous. You seem more bent on giving him grief than to work things out in a way that both of you are happy. Where do you place the happiness of your guy in the scheme of things? Not very high, it seems.
A very, very wise person once told me: "Never get between a man and his sports." Take that wise advice. Go to the family reunion and tell him that you want him to go to the tournament and have a great time, that if he comes to visit you on Saturday it would be awesome.
When you both get home from a nice weekend doing the things you like - him with his friends, you with your family -- fuck him all night like there's no tomorrow!
Now, isn't there better than being a nag about something that's not so significant in the scheme of things?
My family reunion is coming up and it coincides with my man's provincial men's fastball tournament. The reunion starts Friday night and ends Sunday afternoon and the tournament pretty much the same (but they might lose and not play Sunday). He said he would come out Saturday night for the supper and stay overnight to Sunday (possibly). We're camping with my two kids. This reunion was planned before the tournament and many of my relatives are going to be there. We've been together a year and a half. He has in the past put his stuff (hockey, ball and sports) in front of me and my activities.
VictorM's advice:
Oh please... he's putting nothing in front of you! You can easily spend time with your family while he spends time with his friends. His willingness to go meet you on Saturday is quite generous. You seem more bent on giving him grief than to work things out in a way that both of you are happy. Where do you place the happiness of your guy in the scheme of things? Not very high, it seems.
A very, very wise person once told me: "Never get between a man and his sports." Take that wise advice. Go to the family reunion and tell him that you want him to go to the tournament and have a great time, that if he comes to visit you on Saturday it would be awesome.
When you both get home from a nice weekend doing the things you like - him with his friends, you with your family -- fuck him all night like there's no tomorrow!
Now, isn't there better than being a nag about something that's not so significant in the scheme of things?
Her partner compliments other women often
Stacey, 38, from Canada, asks:
My partner of a 15 months calls female aquantances sweetie and honey. He also compliments other women often (ie you look great for your age, nice outfit etc...). He says he's just being nice and wants to make them feel good. I think he's flirting and there's no need for him to make other women feel good and like him. Who is he trying to impress, them or me? What do you think?
VictorM's answer:
Your partner is an idiot. First of all, not many women like being called "honey" or "sweetie", much less from someone who is not their partner. Second, there are many ways of being nice to women -- he's clearly choosing ways that get him attention from them. Is he as concerned with making other males feel good too? I doubt it. There is no question -- he is flirting. Even if he denies he's flirting, point out that the women are going to think he is, just as you do. If he's too dumb to understand that, I think you have more problems with this guy than you are realizing.
Tags: relationship advice, paying compliments, flirting with women
My partner of a 15 months calls female aquantances sweetie and honey. He also compliments other women often (ie you look great for your age, nice outfit etc...). He says he's just being nice and wants to make them feel good. I think he's flirting and there's no need for him to make other women feel good and like him. Who is he trying to impress, them or me? What do you think?
VictorM's answer:
Your partner is an idiot. First of all, not many women like being called "honey" or "sweetie", much less from someone who is not their partner. Second, there are many ways of being nice to women -- he's clearly choosing ways that get him attention from them. Is he as concerned with making other males feel good too? I doubt it. There is no question -- he is flirting. Even if he denies he's flirting, point out that the women are going to think he is, just as you do. If he's too dumb to understand that, I think you have more problems with this guy than you are realizing.
Tags: relationship advice, paying compliments, flirting with women
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Do you think this guy will ever come back?
Julie Michaels, 23, from Los Angeles, asks:
So... I've never done this thing before, but I am at my witts with guys.
I thought I met the man of my dreams a little over a month ago. We really hit it off. There was something magical there that sounds cheesy, but I hadn't felt for anyone else.
He carried a passion and positive energy for love and living that I had never seen in another. I love that because I am similar. We both lead busy lifestyles and so we would meet up whenever we could to go on dates, talk or just cuddle and watch tv.
He told me that when he first met me that day I went into his work to buy something from him that he felt like I was the woman that was going to bare his children. WOW! Yah... never saw that one comin' but of course because I was so attracted to him and smitten with him, in a way, it was somewhat of an assurance, that hey, this one's different. This one is open about his feelings, and feels as strongly for me as I do for him.
We had wonderful conversations and by the second week of dating, he told me he was in love with me and I knew (or thought) that I was in love with him. ECSTATIC with happiness I felt a sense of peace. Could this really be it??? We even changed our My Space profiles to "married," because he said it was the closest thing to being in love. (yah...)
So, everything is going great, I'm so happy that after being burned so many times before that the search was finally over.
Suddenly his "texting me 5 times a day" turned into one time or none at all. He promised he was going to come to a special event I was performing at and 10 min before the show I received a TEXT from him (not a call, but a text) telling me he was so sorry but he got caught up at work and wasn't going to be able to make it after all...WHEN he had gone to work extra early that day so he could get out early for my show. And my show wasn't until 4 hours or so after he got out of work... So I was frustrated. Usually I am really sweet and I just let it go. However, this time I thought I would approach it differently. So, I called him. Of course he didn't pick up the phone and I told him how bummed I was and that next time if he could call me so I can hear his voice to know if he's telling the truth or not, that would be great. I felt like it was a little harsher than usual, but all of my friends were like... no, you did the right thing.
So I didn't hear from him until the next night... through a TEXT...saying "How upset with me are you?" I called my mom cause she usually has good advice and we came to the conclusion that I would write him back and tell him that I no longer wanted to do this over text message that when he was ready to talk, give me a call. He was having a big show late that night, but I didn't end up going, A) I had work in the morning B) we hadn't resolved things and C) I was upset because he hadn't gone to my show. Oh no...I'm feelin' a little selfish. I should have gone to his show huh? Sigh. Too late now.
So, after my text, I don't hear from him for a couple days... Finally I call him and I tell him that I was sorry if I came off a little abrupt, but that I was just upset and making up feel overwhelmed was not my intentions, that I care about him. I don't hear from him again for a day or so... and finally my friends decided first, but finally I came to the conclusion that if he didn't care enough to respond to me or at least give me some kind of explanation whether it be by phone or text, that he must not be the right guy. I texted him and told him to let me know either way so I can let go if I need to and that I love him very much.
And now two days later I haven't heard from him. We are no longer "married" on myspace and I am back to loathing flaky people who say one thing and can't even communicate to resolve things in the end.
I miss him. I'm obviously heart broken and seriously, this makes me never want to date again. I have this situation happen to me constantly. Guys falling in love with me and then when I finally let down my guard and give them my all, they flee. Should I try to change myself? Or should I have faith that somewhere there is that one special man out there for me?
How can I be wrong so many times? How can something/someone feel so right and not be...?
I know I just blurted out a bunch of stuff...I'm really sorry. You don't have to read it all. Hehe.
I just needed some advice from a guy OTHER than my friends that are guys...
Do you think this guy will ever come back or is it a total loss and I need to just move on with me life?
If he didn't tell me he was in love with me and that I was the woman he wanted to bare his children..this would be much different and I would have handled the situation a lot less seriously.
What should I do?
(*I promise I won't write this much again)
VictorM's advice:
So much here. Where to begin...
This was terribly wrong of you to say: "I told him how bummed I was and that next time if he could call me so I can hear his voice to know if he's telling the truth or not". Not only were your friends wrong for telling you it was the right thing to do -- it most certainly was not -- but this may be indicative of why you run into trouble with relationships. "To know if he's telling the truth"... tells me you are not ready for loving relationships. Trust is the cornerstone of a good relationship and you basically told him that that didn't exist between you two.
What would have been the a better thing to say? "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry to hear you're working so hard. I wish you could be here, I'll miss you." But you were too selfish to say something like that. As if the world revolves around you. No consideration for his predicament. Then you follow it up by acting like a child and not going to his show, missing another opportunity to show what love is all about.
I'm sure he was in love with you, but he doesn't have to stay that way if he finds things about you that are a turned off. He has solid reason for changing his mind.
I could go on, but let me say this: as long as you make yourself the center of the universe you will push guys away. Love requires work and above all, trust. Without them, all you have is an addiction.
Will this guy come back? Not if he knows what's good for him. You're not ready yet to make a guy happy.
So... I've never done this thing before, but I am at my witts with guys.
I thought I met the man of my dreams a little over a month ago. We really hit it off. There was something magical there that sounds cheesy, but I hadn't felt for anyone else.
He carried a passion and positive energy for love and living that I had never seen in another. I love that because I am similar. We both lead busy lifestyles and so we would meet up whenever we could to go on dates, talk or just cuddle and watch tv.
He told me that when he first met me that day I went into his work to buy something from him that he felt like I was the woman that was going to bare his children. WOW! Yah... never saw that one comin' but of course because I was so attracted to him and smitten with him, in a way, it was somewhat of an assurance, that hey, this one's different. This one is open about his feelings, and feels as strongly for me as I do for him.
We had wonderful conversations and by the second week of dating, he told me he was in love with me and I knew (or thought) that I was in love with him. ECSTATIC with happiness I felt a sense of peace. Could this really be it??? We even changed our My Space profiles to "married," because he said it was the closest thing to being in love. (yah...)
So, everything is going great, I'm so happy that after being burned so many times before that the search was finally over.
Suddenly his "texting me 5 times a day" turned into one time or none at all. He promised he was going to come to a special event I was performing at and 10 min before the show I received a TEXT from him (not a call, but a text) telling me he was so sorry but he got caught up at work and wasn't going to be able to make it after all...WHEN he had gone to work extra early that day so he could get out early for my show. And my show wasn't until 4 hours or so after he got out of work... So I was frustrated. Usually I am really sweet and I just let it go. However, this time I thought I would approach it differently. So, I called him. Of course he didn't pick up the phone and I told him how bummed I was and that next time if he could call me so I can hear his voice to know if he's telling the truth or not, that would be great. I felt like it was a little harsher than usual, but all of my friends were like... no, you did the right thing.
So I didn't hear from him until the next night... through a TEXT...saying "How upset with me are you?" I called my mom cause she usually has good advice and we came to the conclusion that I would write him back and tell him that I no longer wanted to do this over text message that when he was ready to talk, give me a call. He was having a big show late that night, but I didn't end up going, A) I had work in the morning B) we hadn't resolved things and C) I was upset because he hadn't gone to my show. Oh no...I'm feelin' a little selfish. I should have gone to his show huh? Sigh. Too late now.
So, after my text, I don't hear from him for a couple days... Finally I call him and I tell him that I was sorry if I came off a little abrupt, but that I was just upset and making up feel overwhelmed was not my intentions, that I care about him. I don't hear from him again for a day or so... and finally my friends decided first, but finally I came to the conclusion that if he didn't care enough to respond to me or at least give me some kind of explanation whether it be by phone or text, that he must not be the right guy. I texted him and told him to let me know either way so I can let go if I need to and that I love him very much.
And now two days later I haven't heard from him. We are no longer "married" on myspace and I am back to loathing flaky people who say one thing and can't even communicate to resolve things in the end.
I miss him. I'm obviously heart broken and seriously, this makes me never want to date again. I have this situation happen to me constantly. Guys falling in love with me and then when I finally let down my guard and give them my all, they flee. Should I try to change myself? Or should I have faith that somewhere there is that one special man out there for me?
How can I be wrong so many times? How can something/someone feel so right and not be...?
I know I just blurted out a bunch of stuff...I'm really sorry. You don't have to read it all. Hehe.
I just needed some advice from a guy OTHER than my friends that are guys...
Do you think this guy will ever come back or is it a total loss and I need to just move on with me life?
If he didn't tell me he was in love with me and that I was the woman he wanted to bare his children..this would be much different and I would have handled the situation a lot less seriously.
What should I do?
(*I promise I won't write this much again)
VictorM's advice:
So much here. Where to begin...
This was terribly wrong of you to say: "I told him how bummed I was and that next time if he could call me so I can hear his voice to know if he's telling the truth or not". Not only were your friends wrong for telling you it was the right thing to do -- it most certainly was not -- but this may be indicative of why you run into trouble with relationships. "To know if he's telling the truth"... tells me you are not ready for loving relationships. Trust is the cornerstone of a good relationship and you basically told him that that didn't exist between you two.
What would have been the a better thing to say? "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry to hear you're working so hard. I wish you could be here, I'll miss you." But you were too selfish to say something like that. As if the world revolves around you. No consideration for his predicament. Then you follow it up by acting like a child and not going to his show, missing another opportunity to show what love is all about.
I'm sure he was in love with you, but he doesn't have to stay that way if he finds things about you that are a turned off. He has solid reason for changing his mind.
I could go on, but let me say this: as long as you make yourself the center of the universe you will push guys away. Love requires work and above all, trust. Without them, all you have is an addiction.
Will this guy come back? Not if he knows what's good for him. You're not ready yet to make a guy happy.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I go to his house, we make out then have sex
stephanie, 15 almost 16, from: dollen springs, AZ, asks:
There's this guy and we're good friends but I like him a lot and I stay the night at his house a lot. He's 18 and he doesn't like me (thats what he told me) but every time I go to his house we make out then have sex. Why does he do that if he doesn't like me? (other then he's a guy and that's what they do.)
VictorM's answer:
He's a guy, you're a girl, you're willing, and sex is fun. Period.
Why do you do it if you know he doesn't like you?
There's this guy and we're good friends but I like him a lot and I stay the night at his house a lot. He's 18 and he doesn't like me (thats what he told me) but every time I go to his house we make out then have sex. Why does he do that if he doesn't like me? (other then he's a guy and that's what they do.)
VictorM's answer:
He's a guy, you're a girl, you're willing, and sex is fun. Period.
Why do you do it if you know he doesn't like you?
Boyfriend refuses to leave her apartment
Heather, 26, from PDX, asks:
HELP! I dumped my boyfriend and he refuses to leave my apartment. He simply ignores that he has been dumped and claims he has no where to go. What do I do????
VictorM's advice:
Issues like this can turn into serious problems. Don't take the advice of friends or of some guy on the internet, so talk to a lawyer and get legal advice. This is not longer a relationship issue. Don't play games with this stuff and don't try to do it yourself. I know lawyers aren't cheap, but this is a case where you need to do things using the law to your advantage. If you have concerns that your ex may get violent or destroy property, inform the lawyer.
Tags: relationship advice, been dumped, refuses to leave, ignores being dumped
HELP! I dumped my boyfriend and he refuses to leave my apartment. He simply ignores that he has been dumped and claims he has no where to go. What do I do????
VictorM's advice:
Issues like this can turn into serious problems. Don't take the advice of friends or of some guy on the internet, so talk to a lawyer and get legal advice. This is not longer a relationship issue. Don't play games with this stuff and don't try to do it yourself. I know lawyers aren't cheap, but this is a case where you need to do things using the law to your advantage. If you have concerns that your ex may get violent or destroy property, inform the lawyer.
Tags: relationship advice, been dumped, refuses to leave, ignores being dumped
I found handcuffs under his bed
Ashley, 22, from Baltimore, asks:
I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and now we are actually living together. Things are going pretty well, but I'm getting quite self conscious about his ex: they dated for three years, she was his "first", and just recently I found handcuffs under his bed...used by her, not me. I'm really weirded out and keep picturing it now, plus I'm feeling like I can't even compare to his ex in sex, and she's supposed to be the innocent first girl. Why does he have it? What can I do?
VictorM's advice:
As a girl, you're thinking that the handcuffs are a linkage to her, that he keeps them because of some emotional attachment, that they are a souvenir, some meaningful relic that forever links him to her. As a guy, I say: that's such nonsense! He's keeping them simply because he paid for them, they may come in handy some day, and it's just stuff worth having. Really, handcuffs are kinda cool, specially if they're good ones, and they are a neat thing to have. Why throw them away?
Also, this whole attachment to the "first" is more female-only stuff. Guys never talk about losing their virginity. It's meaningful only in the sense that it was good to get it over with. In a guy way of thinking, she was just someone he fucked. She happened to have been the first but that's it. Period. He's moved on and you're the one he wants to be tied to. And stop comparing yourself to her. Most guys think that the girl they're currently having sex with is the best one ever. It really is that simple in a guy's mind.
And one more thing, if you've dated him for three years and he's never brought up the idea of handcuffing you, maybe it was not something he even particularly liked doing. Besides, there's nothing to be weirded out. Different things are fun for different people.
So, what do you do? Stop looking under his bed... and any other place. Things are going pretty well -- keep them that way by focusing on him and not on her. He obviously has moved on and you shouldn't even be thinking about her.
Tags: relationship advice, handcuffs, comparing ex,
I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and now we are actually living together. Things are going pretty well, but I'm getting quite self conscious about his ex: they dated for three years, she was his "first", and just recently I found handcuffs under his bed...used by her, not me. I'm really weirded out and keep picturing it now, plus I'm feeling like I can't even compare to his ex in sex, and she's supposed to be the innocent first girl. Why does he have it? What can I do?
VictorM's advice:
As a girl, you're thinking that the handcuffs are a linkage to her, that he keeps them because of some emotional attachment, that they are a souvenir, some meaningful relic that forever links him to her. As a guy, I say: that's such nonsense! He's keeping them simply because he paid for them, they may come in handy some day, and it's just stuff worth having. Really, handcuffs are kinda cool, specially if they're good ones, and they are a neat thing to have. Why throw them away?
Also, this whole attachment to the "first" is more female-only stuff. Guys never talk about losing their virginity. It's meaningful only in the sense that it was good to get it over with. In a guy way of thinking, she was just someone he fucked. She happened to have been the first but that's it. Period. He's moved on and you're the one he wants to be tied to. And stop comparing yourself to her. Most guys think that the girl they're currently having sex with is the best one ever. It really is that simple in a guy's mind.
And one more thing, if you've dated him for three years and he's never brought up the idea of handcuffing you, maybe it was not something he even particularly liked doing. Besides, there's nothing to be weirded out. Different things are fun for different people.
So, what do you do? Stop looking under his bed... and any other place. Things are going pretty well -- keep them that way by focusing on him and not on her. He obviously has moved on and you shouldn't even be thinking about her.
Tags: relationship advice, handcuffs, comparing ex,
He decided one day that he still loves his ex
Payj, 22, from Houston, asks:
There's this guy I was engaged to for about a month; he decided one day that he still loves his ex and ended our engagement/relationship but wants us to remain friends. We've known each other for five years, and I'm at a loss for what to do. I still love him and want him back. Is it possible he just doesn't know what to do?
VictorM's advice:
I doubt very much that he decided one day he loved his ex; it's likely that he loved her all along. Doesn't sound like he's confused. There were none of the usual excuses (I need time, need space, need to discover myself, etc.). He told you straight what is reason was. He knows what he's doing.
Tags: relationship advice, broke off engagement, in love with ex, remain friends
There's this guy I was engaged to for about a month; he decided one day that he still loves his ex and ended our engagement/relationship but wants us to remain friends. We've known each other for five years, and I'm at a loss for what to do. I still love him and want him back. Is it possible he just doesn't know what to do?
VictorM's advice:
I doubt very much that he decided one day he loved his ex; it's likely that he loved her all along. Doesn't sound like he's confused. There were none of the usual excuses (I need time, need space, need to discover myself, etc.). He told you straight what is reason was. He knows what he's doing.
Tags: relationship advice, broke off engagement, in love with ex, remain friends
I am so angry and hurt
Jenna, 26, from MD, asks:
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 1/2 years. We get along great, and we never fight. We have had many discussions about marriage, and he recently started asking me questions like "What month would you want to get married in?" and "Do you like evening or day weddings?" Then he asked if I wanted to go on a cruise, and I figured he would propose on the ship. Then he started talking about going to an amusement park instead. He told me he was planning on proposing to me, but that he changed his mind. I suggested that since he has only been single for 1 month in the past 10 years, maybe he couldn't bring himself to settle down because he really hadn't been single. A few weeks later he broke up with me citing the reason above, and I am devastated. He said that he needs to find himself and that he doesn't want to look back and regret his decision to settle down, or worse. I am so angry and hurt, I don't know what to make of it. I know he loves me, but my fear is that he doesn't want to marry me, and just couldn't say that. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
This could just be a case of getting "cold feet", but it doesn't appear so. Sounds like he put some thought into it and then made a decision. He didn't just put off wanting to marry you, he didn't say he needed some space or needed more time -- he broke up with you! Something solid must have prompted him to take this action. I don't know what it was, but he must feel strongly about it. There's more to it than just not wanting to marry you.
Tags: relationship advice, cold feet, broke up, angry and hurt
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 1/2 years. We get along great, and we never fight. We have had many discussions about marriage, and he recently started asking me questions like "What month would you want to get married in?" and "Do you like evening or day weddings?" Then he asked if I wanted to go on a cruise, and I figured he would propose on the ship. Then he started talking about going to an amusement park instead. He told me he was planning on proposing to me, but that he changed his mind. I suggested that since he has only been single for 1 month in the past 10 years, maybe he couldn't bring himself to settle down because he really hadn't been single. A few weeks later he broke up with me citing the reason above, and I am devastated. He said that he needs to find himself and that he doesn't want to look back and regret his decision to settle down, or worse. I am so angry and hurt, I don't know what to make of it. I know he loves me, but my fear is that he doesn't want to marry me, and just couldn't say that. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
This could just be a case of getting "cold feet", but it doesn't appear so. Sounds like he put some thought into it and then made a decision. He didn't just put off wanting to marry you, he didn't say he needed some space or needed more time -- he broke up with you! Something solid must have prompted him to take this action. I don't know what it was, but he must feel strongly about it. There's more to it than just not wanting to marry you.
Tags: relationship advice, cold feet, broke up, angry and hurt
Leaning towards being friends
Melanie, from U.S., asks:
Okay so I have this guy that I like and I told him in an email that I was attracted to him. He responded to my email by saying that he was flattered (typically, not guy word) and that because he is having medical problems that he is waiting for his new business to pick up so that he can afford medical insurance and that he would have to lean towards being friends. Okay here is something else to add to the equation. I just recently moved to the town he lives in and I am looking for employment so he emails me and tells me that he really hopes things work out for me here and that I get the job I'm looking for. So he basically didn't come out and say he wasn't attracted to me but I was wondering if he likes me and just isn't ready for a girlfriend to be added to his full plate at the moment. I would really appreciate a honest guy opinion on this.
VictorM's advice:
I think you rushed that email stating your attraction. Unless he was already very much into you, which he doesn't appear to be, I can see where the natural reaction is the one he had (by the way, flattered is as much a guy word as a girl's). It's rare that a guy would tell a girl directly that he's not attracted to her, even if he is not. So don't expect him to say it. But at a minimum he's saying for you to back off for a while.
Regardless of how he may feel about you, work at building a good friendship with him first before you expect anything else. Even if he's not interested in you now, he may be in the future and the best way to influence him is to be just a friend. And I mean just friends.
Okay so I have this guy that I like and I told him in an email that I was attracted to him. He responded to my email by saying that he was flattered (typically, not guy word) and that because he is having medical problems that he is waiting for his new business to pick up so that he can afford medical insurance and that he would have to lean towards being friends. Okay here is something else to add to the equation. I just recently moved to the town he lives in and I am looking for employment so he emails me and tells me that he really hopes things work out for me here and that I get the job I'm looking for. So he basically didn't come out and say he wasn't attracted to me but I was wondering if he likes me and just isn't ready for a girlfriend to be added to his full plate at the moment. I would really appreciate a honest guy opinion on this.
VictorM's advice:
I think you rushed that email stating your attraction. Unless he was already very much into you, which he doesn't appear to be, I can see where the natural reaction is the one he had (by the way, flattered is as much a guy word as a girl's). It's rare that a guy would tell a girl directly that he's not attracted to her, even if he is not. So don't expect him to say it. But at a minimum he's saying for you to back off for a while.
Regardless of how he may feel about you, work at building a good friendship with him first before you expect anything else. Even if he's not interested in you now, he may be in the future and the best way to influence him is to be just a friend. And I mean just friends.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
He tells me stuff that no one else knows about him
Sadie, 18, from Kansas, asks:
I really like this guy I work with. We both have a lot in common, and he said we should hang out sometime. He didn't tell me that he has a girlfriend. I was told by a girl I work with that he has a girlfriend and he likes to date everyone. Well, he found out that I never be stoned, so the next day we went drinking with a group of people we work with (he paid for my drinks and other guy) and then we left together by ourselves and got high. After we finished we talked and he told me to come here and he hugged/hold me for a little bit. Next day I said I was sorry that I hugged him and he said he hugged me back and that's what friends do with each other. We also stare at each other at work and he tells me stuff that no one else knows about him. So does he like me or does he just want to be friends?
VictorM's advice:
He likes you as a friend. But if you think that implies wanting more, you're still stoned.
He tells you stuff no one else knows about him? First, how do you know that? Second, so what? People tell their shrinks a lot things but that doesn't mean they like them. Finding someone that is easy to talk to doesn't mean falling in love with them.
I really like this guy I work with. We both have a lot in common, and he said we should hang out sometime. He didn't tell me that he has a girlfriend. I was told by a girl I work with that he has a girlfriend and he likes to date everyone. Well, he found out that I never be stoned, so the next day we went drinking with a group of people we work with (he paid for my drinks and other guy) and then we left together by ourselves and got high. After we finished we talked and he told me to come here and he hugged/hold me for a little bit. Next day I said I was sorry that I hugged him and he said he hugged me back and that's what friends do with each other. We also stare at each other at work and he tells me stuff that no one else knows about him. So does he like me or does he just want to be friends?
VictorM's advice:
He likes you as a friend. But if you think that implies wanting more, you're still stoned.
He tells you stuff no one else knows about him? First, how do you know that? Second, so what? People tell their shrinks a lot things but that doesn't mean they like them. Finding someone that is easy to talk to doesn't mean falling in love with them.
I don't know what to think of his sporadic behavior
Kacey, 21, from Georgia, asks:
I have this problem, Daniel with this Harvard Med Student that I really like. We were in the same undergrad. After he graduated, we pretty much kept in touch over facebook every once in a while because I really liked him. I was pretty good I think at covering it up because the distance between us physically (states apart), life-stage wise (2 years apart, plus undergrad vs medschool), and the fact that I was in a relationship at the time with a guy that he knew before I started school there all intimidated me into thinking there was no way we could be together. But my feelings have gotten much deeper with time, and I really do think I'm in love with him now. I interviewed for medical school at his school this January, and spent the interview weekend with him. He took me to this salsa club party and we danced with only each other the entire night. Then when we got back to his place at 2:00am, he insists that we "practice" some more...alone in his bedroom (with his roommate in the other soundproof bedroom across the hall) until 5:00am! Halfway through our weird night, in his room, he also pauses to tell me that he thinks I looked great that evening and that my hair is really growing out. In addition to this, he mentions on three separate occasions that he's waiting for the right girl...the “one” basically... Then changes the subject...He also slept on a bare mat on his floor the entire weekend, and gave me his bed to sleep on both nights of my stay. I left to go back to school that Sunday and we've spoken on the phone 3 times since then (playing phone tag).....and he's sent me 2 facebook messages. I don't know what to think of his sporadic behavior. I think he does like me or is interested at least somewhat...and I know he's really busy w/ medical school, but he hardly EVER calls me, and had not made a move for 7 months now! So I’ve played it relatively safe, giving him space so he doesn’t see me as the pushy needy girl if he is interested and calling or texting every once in a while to say hi...I finally decided to just confess how I feel via an email, without using the L-O-V-E word. Telling him that I like him as more than a friend and want more out of our relationship, but if it isn't possible, I'd be happy with a mere friendship. 3 days and no reply....should I be freaking out?!!! Did I freak him out with my confession? He's never been in a relationship, but I dunno if it's because he doesn't have time for one or because he hadn't met the right girl....please help! What's going on in his head?
VictorM's advice:
He's not in a relationship because he hasn't met the right girl. He said so to you. How much more obvious does he have to be? It doesn't mean you may not yet turn out to be the right girl, but he doesn't think of you that way. He had fun with you, was a gentleman with you, and showed proper manners. These actions do not equate to wanting a romantic relationship with you.
Your confession probably didn't freak him out, but it was a mistake because it gave him control over you. You wanted his heart but he now has you by the balls -- not a situation that favors you. Even if he was interested in you he now knows he doesn't have to rush to make a decision about you. He knows you're his for the taking, so he might as well take his time, check a few other girls first because you'll be there for him, the "sure thing" ready for the picking.
The other problem with your confession followed by an offer of just friendship is that such an offer seldom works. If he was OK with friendship before, you've scared him away because if he calls you, he's afraid you're going to think he's interested in more than friends. So he doesn't call you because he doesn't want to give you the wrong impression.
I have this problem, Daniel with this Harvard Med Student that I really like. We were in the same undergrad. After he graduated, we pretty much kept in touch over facebook every once in a while because I really liked him. I was pretty good I think at covering it up because the distance between us physically (states apart), life-stage wise (2 years apart, plus undergrad vs medschool), and the fact that I was in a relationship at the time with a guy that he knew before I started school there all intimidated me into thinking there was no way we could be together. But my feelings have gotten much deeper with time, and I really do think I'm in love with him now. I interviewed for medical school at his school this January, and spent the interview weekend with him. He took me to this salsa club party and we danced with only each other the entire night. Then when we got back to his place at 2:00am, he insists that we "practice" some more...alone in his bedroom (with his roommate in the other soundproof bedroom across the hall) until 5:00am! Halfway through our weird night, in his room, he also pauses to tell me that he thinks I looked great that evening and that my hair is really growing out. In addition to this, he mentions on three separate occasions that he's waiting for the right girl...the “one” basically... Then changes the subject...He also slept on a bare mat on his floor the entire weekend, and gave me his bed to sleep on both nights of my stay. I left to go back to school that Sunday and we've spoken on the phone 3 times since then (playing phone tag).....and he's sent me 2 facebook messages. I don't know what to think of his sporadic behavior. I think he does like me or is interested at least somewhat...and I know he's really busy w/ medical school, but he hardly EVER calls me, and had not made a move for 7 months now! So I’ve played it relatively safe, giving him space so he doesn’t see me as the pushy needy girl if he is interested and calling or texting every once in a while to say hi...I finally decided to just confess how I feel via an email, without using the L-O-V-E word. Telling him that I like him as more than a friend and want more out of our relationship, but if it isn't possible, I'd be happy with a mere friendship. 3 days and no reply....should I be freaking out?!!! Did I freak him out with my confession? He's never been in a relationship, but I dunno if it's because he doesn't have time for one or because he hadn't met the right girl....please help! What's going on in his head?
VictorM's advice:
He's not in a relationship because he hasn't met the right girl. He said so to you. How much more obvious does he have to be? It doesn't mean you may not yet turn out to be the right girl, but he doesn't think of you that way. He had fun with you, was a gentleman with you, and showed proper manners. These actions do not equate to wanting a romantic relationship with you.
Your confession probably didn't freak him out, but it was a mistake because it gave him control over you. You wanted his heart but he now has you by the balls -- not a situation that favors you. Even if he was interested in you he now knows he doesn't have to rush to make a decision about you. He knows you're his for the taking, so he might as well take his time, check a few other girls first because you'll be there for him, the "sure thing" ready for the picking.
The other problem with your confession followed by an offer of just friendship is that such an offer seldom works. If he was OK with friendship before, you've scared him away because if he calls you, he's afraid you're going to think he's interested in more than friends. So he doesn't call you because he doesn't want to give you the wrong impression.
He thinks something is going on
Payton, 15, from Confusedtown, asks:
I have a boyfriend whom I've been with for quite a while. We have always been close, and I promised him I would stay with him for a long time. But, as many adults say, promises as big as this one are hard to keep. But I really want to try. During this time, I always have been good friends with this one other guy. It has never been more than friends because he always has been a player, but I've always been a little interested in him anyway (but I've never let it go too far since I have a boyfriend). He never has made a move on me or anything; we are just friends. But now, he really wants to change and have a girlfriend, and not do whatever players do. I can tell he's been dropping hints that he wants me, and I've heard it from his friends. I don't really know what to do in this situation. My boyfriend has said I talk to this guy more frequently now and he thinks something is going on, but really, there isn't. What should I do/say to both of these guys??
VictorM's advice:
You say there's nothing going on but that's not really true, is it? You wouldn't be writing to me if that was so. At least in your mind, something is going on and your boyfriend is no dummy.
If you plan to stay with your boyfriend, have the decency to give him the attention he deserves. If not, break-up with him and be free to go out with anyone you choose.
If you try to straddle between the two boys, you run the risk of losing both. Pick one and stick with him.
I have a boyfriend whom I've been with for quite a while. We have always been close, and I promised him I would stay with him for a long time. But, as many adults say, promises as big as this one are hard to keep. But I really want to try. During this time, I always have been good friends with this one other guy. It has never been more than friends because he always has been a player, but I've always been a little interested in him anyway (but I've never let it go too far since I have a boyfriend). He never has made a move on me or anything; we are just friends. But now, he really wants to change and have a girlfriend, and not do whatever players do. I can tell he's been dropping hints that he wants me, and I've heard it from his friends. I don't really know what to do in this situation. My boyfriend has said I talk to this guy more frequently now and he thinks something is going on, but really, there isn't. What should I do/say to both of these guys??
VictorM's advice:
You say there's nothing going on but that's not really true, is it? You wouldn't be writing to me if that was so. At least in your mind, something is going on and your boyfriend is no dummy.
If you plan to stay with your boyfriend, have the decency to give him the attention he deserves. If not, break-up with him and be free to go out with anyone you choose.
If you try to straddle between the two boys, you run the risk of losing both. Pick one and stick with him.
Monday, July 09, 2007
His text messages have gotten real short
Tara B, 18, from Texas, asks:
I met this guy down at the beach, we had sex the first night we met and I thought it was just going to be a one night stand. But surprisingly he called the next day and we ended up hanging out every day for the rest of the week. When it was time to leave he told me he wanted to come visit me because he really liked me. We continued talking and text messaging and I eventually met up with him and his friends and spent the entire day together. We acted like a couple, holding hands, hugging, kissing etc. For about a week we kept texting and his messages kept saying how much he liked me and wanted to keep spending time with me. All of a sudden, like in a matter of a day, his text messages have gotten real short and to the point, but he keeps texting and responding. Could this mean he's completely over the idea of us still hanging out or what? I'm confused.
VictorM's advice:
He may be getting over you, but I wouldn't say that that's what the short messages mean. Most of the stuff that he wanted to say has been said already. So it gets harder and harder to continue to have a lot of things to say that haven't already been said. Read nothing into the length of the messages; he could just be a typical guy saving keystrokes for when they're needed.
Tags: text messaging, dating advice, relationship advice, over me,
I met this guy down at the beach, we had sex the first night we met and I thought it was just going to be a one night stand. But surprisingly he called the next day and we ended up hanging out every day for the rest of the week. When it was time to leave he told me he wanted to come visit me because he really liked me. We continued talking and text messaging and I eventually met up with him and his friends and spent the entire day together. We acted like a couple, holding hands, hugging, kissing etc. For about a week we kept texting and his messages kept saying how much he liked me and wanted to keep spending time with me. All of a sudden, like in a matter of a day, his text messages have gotten real short and to the point, but he keeps texting and responding. Could this mean he's completely over the idea of us still hanging out or what? I'm confused.
VictorM's advice:
He may be getting over you, but I wouldn't say that that's what the short messages mean. Most of the stuff that he wanted to say has been said already. So it gets harder and harder to continue to have a lot of things to say that haven't already been said. Read nothing into the length of the messages; he could just be a typical guy saving keystrokes for when they're needed.
Tags: text messaging, dating advice, relationship advice, over me,
What would my boy do if I dumped him for his mate?
Melissa, 16, from New Zealand, asks:
I have been going out with my boy for nearly 2 months and I think now that I am only going out with him because I was single and needed someone. I looked at him yesterday and the physical attraction isn't really there. I met a mate of his and his mate is really hot and I talked to him he seems awesome. I can't stop thinking of him!!! What would my boy do if I dumped him for his mate? I know you're not him but what would you do?
VictorM's advice:
You shouldn't dump him for his mate; dump him because you're no longer attracted to him. Then wait a week or two and make a move on the new guy. This way, this is no longer any of your current boyfriend's business and what he thinks about it is irrelevant. This way you don't have to hurt his feelings any more than you need to.
Tags: relationship advice, dating advice, liking his best friend, physical attraction
I have been going out with my boy for nearly 2 months and I think now that I am only going out with him because I was single and needed someone. I looked at him yesterday and the physical attraction isn't really there. I met a mate of his and his mate is really hot and I talked to him he seems awesome. I can't stop thinking of him!!! What would my boy do if I dumped him for his mate? I know you're not him but what would you do?
VictorM's advice:
You shouldn't dump him for his mate; dump him because you're no longer attracted to him. Then wait a week or two and make a move on the new guy. This way, this is no longer any of your current boyfriend's business and what he thinks about it is irrelevant. This way you don't have to hurt his feelings any more than you need to.
Tags: relationship advice, dating advice, liking his best friend, physical attraction
He didn't want me at first
Karina, 16, from NJ, asks:
I met a guy who is 18. Its only a 2 year difference which was never a problem to me, but he didn't want me at first. Then eventually he gave up and we got together but he told me he just got out of high school and wants to stay available. We are in an open relationship. When we are together, we are like boyfriend/girlfriend. When we are apart, we are single. The thing is, I started to like him a lot and he told me if I do, to let him go because he doesn't want to break my heart. But it seems like the more time he spends with me the more he starts to like me. He told my best friend he really likes me, and we spend most days together. He got mad at me for going to a party, so he hooked up with some girl, and called me to get me out of the party. I refused, hookedup with another guy, and later he started asking my friends to see what this guy looks like. He told me he did get jealous, and I told him I did it to show him that I can. I can tell he is really into me, but the relationship thing isn't changing, how do I get him to fall for me?
VictorM's advice:
He already fell for you. But why should he commit if he can get everything he wants/needs from you without commitment? Unless you change the rules and stop with the open relationship deal, you shouldn't expect anything else.
You two sound like two kids playing silly games for no good reason. His excuse that he doesn't want to break your heart is a cop out. Dating and then breaking up if things don't work out is what people do. Getting your heart broken is always a possibility when you fall in love. He's just being a wuss.
It's time you grow-up and lay your cards on the table. If you like the open relationship, stick with it, even if either one of you waivers at times. If you don't like it, say so and tell him that you're done with the open relationship; either you're committed or you're just friends. But if you can't deal with the just friends option, accept you're a wuss too and an enabler helping things stay as they are.
Tags: relationship advice, dating advice, open relationship, boyfriend commitment, making him jealous
I met a guy who is 18. Its only a 2 year difference which was never a problem to me, but he didn't want me at first. Then eventually he gave up and we got together but he told me he just got out of high school and wants to stay available. We are in an open relationship. When we are together, we are like boyfriend/girlfriend. When we are apart, we are single. The thing is, I started to like him a lot and he told me if I do, to let him go because he doesn't want to break my heart. But it seems like the more time he spends with me the more he starts to like me. He told my best friend he really likes me, and we spend most days together. He got mad at me for going to a party, so he hooked up with some girl, and called me to get me out of the party. I refused, hookedup with another guy, and later he started asking my friends to see what this guy looks like. He told me he did get jealous, and I told him I did it to show him that I can. I can tell he is really into me, but the relationship thing isn't changing, how do I get him to fall for me?
VictorM's advice:
He already fell for you. But why should he commit if he can get everything he wants/needs from you without commitment? Unless you change the rules and stop with the open relationship deal, you shouldn't expect anything else.
You two sound like two kids playing silly games for no good reason. His excuse that he doesn't want to break your heart is a cop out. Dating and then breaking up if things don't work out is what people do. Getting your heart broken is always a possibility when you fall in love. He's just being a wuss.
It's time you grow-up and lay your cards on the table. If you like the open relationship, stick with it, even if either one of you waivers at times. If you don't like it, say so and tell him that you're done with the open relationship; either you're committed or you're just friends. But if you can't deal with the just friends option, accept you're a wuss too and an enabler helping things stay as they are.
Tags: relationship advice, dating advice, open relationship, boyfriend commitment, making him jealous
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Rare deep conversations
Jayne, asks:
Howdy! Just wondering about this thing my boyfriend said to me.
We were having one of our rare deep conversations and I ended up asking him what he would do if I went up to him and hung off him calling him baby and whatnot. (It stems off some debate we had about gay people).
Anyway he told me it would be hot, but skipping 8 levels in our relationship. Now we have a good relationship and everything, almost two years and we take things slow and all and I know that I love him, but just how many 'levels' are there in a relationship??? Don't get me wrong I really wanna know but I can't help but find what he said hilarious also for some reason...
So what do you think he meant by that??
VictorM's advice:
He used the word "levels" simply to refer to seriousness of a relationship. It's not like there's a published Richter scale type thing for relationships, nothing that starts at "1" and moves up. "Taking a relationship to the next level" is an expression that expresses a subjective view about the seriousness of that relationship .
Forget his use of the word "level". I think he's just telling you he's not ready for you to call him "baby" or "whatnot". Some people just aren't into the use of such terms of endearment. They feel silly using them or being called such things. You have been warned, sugarpants.
Howdy! Just wondering about this thing my boyfriend said to me.
We were having one of our rare deep conversations and I ended up asking him what he would do if I went up to him and hung off him calling him baby and whatnot. (It stems off some debate we had about gay people).
Anyway he told me it would be hot, but skipping 8 levels in our relationship. Now we have a good relationship and everything, almost two years and we take things slow and all and I know that I love him, but just how many 'levels' are there in a relationship??? Don't get me wrong I really wanna know but I can't help but find what he said hilarious also for some reason...
So what do you think he meant by that??
VictorM's advice:
He used the word "levels" simply to refer to seriousness of a relationship. It's not like there's a published Richter scale type thing for relationships, nothing that starts at "1" and moves up. "Taking a relationship to the next level" is an expression that expresses a subjective view about the seriousness of that relationship .
Forget his use of the word "level". I think he's just telling you he's not ready for you to call him "baby" or "whatnot". Some people just aren't into the use of such terms of endearment. They feel silly using them or being called such things. You have been warned, sugarpants.
Nervous to see him again
Christine, 15, from New York, asks:
I have this problem with this guy that I met at my job. He came in and I noticed he was a volunteer firefighter and I got nervous! Soon after that he found me on myspace and started talking to me. I found out he was in the same fire department as my dad. I have been talking to him for awhile now and he says he is into me and he has fallen for me. I like him too because he is very Honest, Sweet, Nice and caring. He is basically everything I look for in a guy but I don't know what to do because he wants to meet up with me all the time and he lives down the street from me but I'm nervous to see him again. I won't know what to say and I will have to see him soon at this Carnival for the Firefighters on Wednesday. PLEASE HELP!
VictorM's advice:
You're 15 and he's a firefighter? How old is this guy?
What do you mean by "I won't know what to say"? According to you, you are already talking to him, so I don't see how meeting him at the carnival changes anything. Talk about the same stuff you talk about with him now.
To get started, there's the old reliables: "Hi, how are you?" "Nice to see you again." "Think my dad will rip off your head when he finds out you're whispering sweet nothings in the ear of a 15 year old girl?"
I have this problem with this guy that I met at my job. He came in and I noticed he was a volunteer firefighter and I got nervous! Soon after that he found me on myspace and started talking to me. I found out he was in the same fire department as my dad. I have been talking to him for awhile now and he says he is into me and he has fallen for me. I like him too because he is very Honest, Sweet, Nice and caring. He is basically everything I look for in a guy but I don't know what to do because he wants to meet up with me all the time and he lives down the street from me but I'm nervous to see him again. I won't know what to say and I will have to see him soon at this Carnival for the Firefighters on Wednesday. PLEASE HELP!
VictorM's advice:
You're 15 and he's a firefighter? How old is this guy?
What do you mean by "I won't know what to say"? According to you, you are already talking to him, so I don't see how meeting him at the carnival changes anything. Talk about the same stuff you talk about with him now.
To get started, there's the old reliables: "Hi, how are you?" "Nice to see you again." "Think my dad will rip off your head when he finds out you're whispering sweet nothings in the ear of a 15 year old girl?"
I felt he was trying to insult me
lauren, 22, from LA, asks:
This guy was a coworker of mine, and he would sometimes flirt with me; he said he wasn't married and that he had broken up with his girlfriend but has one daughter. In the beginning, he would come to work on his off day or the following work day and give me a hug. At one time, I thought we had feelings for each other, and I fell in love with him: the way he'd look at me or just what I felt I sensed. But the next day, he would flirt with another female coworker. When he realized I was leaving the job, he began saying things like, "I've got to have her (me). . . I'm not good enough for her . . . she doesn't like me". Eventually, I told him that I loved him because it was true. One day, when I came to purchase a camera from him, he told me he didn't have any friends but friends at church; he invited me to his church and told me that he would call me. I cordially invited him to my graduation with an announcement letter and email. He never said he couldn't come. A week later, he text messaged me that his roommate had gone for vacation and "PARTY". I text messaged him to give me more info when he got the chance. He never did, until I returned the camera because of picture quality. Apparently upset, he says on the walky talky that I returned the camera just to use it for graduation. I didn't know he said it until the cashier told me; she also had her walky talky on. Two weeks later, he texts me "how many students does LSU have?" By that time, I was extremely insulted so I texted him with a question as to why he said what he said when he didn't have enough consideration to tell me he couldn't come to my graduation? I hadn't heard from him since. Because I fell in love with him, and that, I wish never happened, because I sometimes miss him contacting me but at the same time, how can we be friends if I always respond to him when he calls or seek him in person and he never responds to me after he initiates a question? I felt he was trying to insult me when all I wanted was some kind of friendship and didn't mind if it grew into something more. However, I have to convince myself, what is there to miss? But my heart does not feel that way. HELP in all caps.
VictorM's advice:
You seem to be upset that you fell in love with him but he didn't with you, as if it was expected of him to. He never said any such thing. He's a guy who said the typical stuff that women should be smart enough to ignore, the kind of comments that make the work day go by a little easier but means nothing. He was never anything more than a friendly coworker who likes to flirt.
You're spending too much energy on this guy. Forget the graduation and forget the camera. Stop with the texting and give up wanting to be just friends. Use your energies to find new friends.
This guy was a coworker of mine, and he would sometimes flirt with me; he said he wasn't married and that he had broken up with his girlfriend but has one daughter. In the beginning, he would come to work on his off day or the following work day and give me a hug. At one time, I thought we had feelings for each other, and I fell in love with him: the way he'd look at me or just what I felt I sensed. But the next day, he would flirt with another female coworker. When he realized I was leaving the job, he began saying things like, "I've got to have her (me). . . I'm not good enough for her . . . she doesn't like me". Eventually, I told him that I loved him because it was true. One day, when I came to purchase a camera from him, he told me he didn't have any friends but friends at church; he invited me to his church and told me that he would call me. I cordially invited him to my graduation with an announcement letter and email. He never said he couldn't come. A week later, he text messaged me that his roommate had gone for vacation and "PARTY". I text messaged him to give me more info when he got the chance. He never did, until I returned the camera because of picture quality. Apparently upset, he says on the walky talky that I returned the camera just to use it for graduation. I didn't know he said it until the cashier told me; she also had her walky talky on. Two weeks later, he texts me "how many students does LSU have?" By that time, I was extremely insulted so I texted him with a question as to why he said what he said when he didn't have enough consideration to tell me he couldn't come to my graduation? I hadn't heard from him since. Because I fell in love with him, and that, I wish never happened, because I sometimes miss him contacting me but at the same time, how can we be friends if I always respond to him when he calls or seek him in person and he never responds to me after he initiates a question? I felt he was trying to insult me when all I wanted was some kind of friendship and didn't mind if it grew into something more. However, I have to convince myself, what is there to miss? But my heart does not feel that way. HELP in all caps.
VictorM's advice:
You seem to be upset that you fell in love with him but he didn't with you, as if it was expected of him to. He never said any such thing. He's a guy who said the typical stuff that women should be smart enough to ignore, the kind of comments that make the work day go by a little easier but means nothing. He was never anything more than a friendly coworker who likes to flirt.
You're spending too much energy on this guy. Forget the graduation and forget the camera. Stop with the texting and give up wanting to be just friends. Use your energies to find new friends.
He won't ask me out
amy, 13, from cardboard box, asks:
This guy I really like likes me back but he won't ask me out because he kind of likes a friend of mine too. What do I do to get him to ask me out?
VictorM's advice:
Totally common for 13 year old boys to like more than one girl. But the reason he doesn't ask either one of you out is probably because he's not ready yet for the girl-guy thing. He's still too in love with his willy, which he recently discovered as a great source of fun. So give him time and meanwhile, make him feel good when he's around you.
This guy I really like likes me back but he won't ask me out because he kind of likes a friend of mine too. What do I do to get him to ask me out?
VictorM's advice:
Totally common for 13 year old boys to like more than one girl. But the reason he doesn't ask either one of you out is probably because he's not ready yet for the girl-guy thing. He's still too in love with his willy, which he recently discovered as a great source of fun. So give him time and meanwhile, make him feel good when he's around you.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Kate is backkkk
Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:
Hey again...
Last night when I went to the carnival with my friends, I saw this AMAZING guy. He was SO hot! I asked one of my friend to find out some stuff about him, and he told her his name, what grade he's in and what school he goes to. It turns out he's going into 8th grade, like me, and he goes to the other middle school in my town. I only met him just last night, but I want to see him again and get his number. How do I get him?
VictorM's advice:
Kate, you've been a busy girl this Summer! :)
I'm curious why you asked your friend to ask but you didn't ask yourself.
Anyway, it's time to be a sleuth and find out more about him. You have his name, so check around and see if anyone has his phone number. Was he with friends? Do you know any of their names? Try the phone book (I know, that's a relic from the past but who knows, his family might be listed, assuming you have his last name). Visit his school website. He may show up there as being in band or sports or some activity that might let you know where he might hangout or have common friends with you.
And if you find him, are you going to do the talking or let your friend do it?
Hey again...
Last night when I went to the carnival with my friends, I saw this AMAZING guy. He was SO hot! I asked one of my friend to find out some stuff about him, and he told her his name, what grade he's in and what school he goes to. It turns out he's going into 8th grade, like me, and he goes to the other middle school in my town. I only met him just last night, but I want to see him again and get his number. How do I get him?
VictorM's advice:
Kate, you've been a busy girl this Summer! :)
I'm curious why you asked your friend to ask but you didn't ask yourself.
Anyway, it's time to be a sleuth and find out more about him. You have his name, so check around and see if anyone has his phone number. Was he with friends? Do you know any of their names? Try the phone book (I know, that's a relic from the past but who knows, his family might be listed, assuming you have his last name). Visit his school website. He may show up there as being in band or sports or some activity that might let you know where he might hangout or have common friends with you.
And if you find him, are you going to do the talking or let your friend do it?
How to know if my crush likes me back?
raff, 15, from brunei, asks:
How to know if my crush likes me back?
VictorM's advice:
You can never be sure. Isn't that wonderful? After all, isn't a mystery better when you don't know the ending? If someone told you "the butler did it", wouldn't it take away the fun?
So smile at him, pay him sincere compliments, and you'll have as much a chance that he will like you as anyone else.
How to know if my crush likes me back?
VictorM's advice:
You can never be sure. Isn't that wonderful? After all, isn't a mystery better when you don't know the ending? If someone told you "the butler did it", wouldn't it take away the fun?
So smile at him, pay him sincere compliments, and you'll have as much a chance that he will like you as anyone else.
We broke up cause my parents had problems with me and him
Lindsey, 17, from VA, asks:
ok so this is kinda weird sharing to the world but here goes.. since last April I dated this guy Jack and it's been good, most of the time. In October we broke up because my parents had problems with me and him. In November we got back together and everything was perfect. Then it went down hill.. again..we barely hung out. He was always working or playing basketball and never even bothered to call. Then in May( this past one) I went to NC for my cousin's graduation. He has this friend name Joey that had a rough life ended up moving in with them. So when I went down there I saw and hugged all my family and met Joey for the first time. I figured I could never get him cause 1) he was going to college 2) he had a girlfriend, which was gonna be 2 years in July, and 3) I HAD A BOYFRIEND!... Anyway, we went to the graduation and the party after and then the next day I headed over to where my cousin and Joey lived. Me and Joey kinda instantly clicked, that first night we stayed up together ALL NIGHT JUST talking and hanging out ( it was the best night ever).. the next day we went to the lake together and spent the day tubing skiing and flirting like no one else was around... night fell and we headed home and were completely exhausted from being out in the sun ALL day and no sleep the night before. We stayed up again we sat together real closely and I just was confused I didn't know what to do.. then he started tickling me and it became the perfect movie moment. I grabbed his arms and we looked into each others eyes.. then it started.. the slow passionate kissing to the full out.. throughout the night it became more but we never had sex( we decided we wanted to save that for the future)... I came home after my trip and told my guy friends and they thought the guy was stupid for not having sex with me.. I guess what I really wanna know is, if you think me and him will really work out if we try and see each other like 4 times a year.. and if all guys really have sex on their minds and guys that turn down sex in the perfect moment are just being fake.
VictorM's advice:
Of course guys want sex, but the idea that it's all they want or that they can't wait for it is a myth. What Joey did, going along with not having sex is totally normal and I'd say very common. There's nothing fake about it. Your guy friends are just horny little toads who have no idea what they're talking about.
Can this relationship work? It can, but it won't be easy. Meeting four times a year leaves a lot of days in between, with lots of parties and lots of guys and girls tempting each of you.
ok so this is kinda weird sharing to the world but here goes.. since last April I dated this guy Jack and it's been good, most of the time. In October we broke up because my parents had problems with me and him. In November we got back together and everything was perfect. Then it went down hill.. again..we barely hung out. He was always working or playing basketball and never even bothered to call. Then in May( this past one) I went to NC for my cousin's graduation. He has this friend name Joey that had a rough life ended up moving in with them. So when I went down there I saw and hugged all my family and met Joey for the first time. I figured I could never get him cause 1) he was going to college 2) he had a girlfriend, which was gonna be 2 years in July, and 3) I HAD A BOYFRIEND!... Anyway, we went to the graduation and the party after and then the next day I headed over to where my cousin and Joey lived. Me and Joey kinda instantly clicked, that first night we stayed up together ALL NIGHT JUST talking and hanging out ( it was the best night ever).. the next day we went to the lake together and spent the day tubing skiing and flirting like no one else was around... night fell and we headed home and were completely exhausted from being out in the sun ALL day and no sleep the night before. We stayed up again we sat together real closely and I just was confused I didn't know what to do.. then he started tickling me and it became the perfect movie moment. I grabbed his arms and we looked into each others eyes.. then it started.. the slow passionate kissing to the full out.. throughout the night it became more but we never had sex( we decided we wanted to save that for the future)... I came home after my trip and told my guy friends and they thought the guy was stupid for not having sex with me.. I guess what I really wanna know is, if you think me and him will really work out if we try and see each other like 4 times a year.. and if all guys really have sex on their minds and guys that turn down sex in the perfect moment are just being fake.
VictorM's advice:
Of course guys want sex, but the idea that it's all they want or that they can't wait for it is a myth. What Joey did, going along with not having sex is totally normal and I'd say very common. There's nothing fake about it. Your guy friends are just horny little toads who have no idea what they're talking about.
Can this relationship work? It can, but it won't be easy. Meeting four times a year leaves a lot of days in between, with lots of parties and lots of guys and girls tempting each of you.
Friday, July 06, 2007
I have liked this guy for 5 years
Ashley, 16, from Wisconsin, asks:
I have liked this guy for 5 years and signs show that he likes me but he won't ask me out. So how do I ask him out?
VictorM's advice:
"Oh [his name] I can't wait to see [insert movie or event name] but none of my friends want to go and I hate to go alone."
Let the statement hang in the air. If he's really interested he'll say he'll go with you. If not, oh well, maybe he just doesn't care for that even or he couldn't go, so you can always try again later with another event.
I'd say try this for the next ten years before you ask him directly.
I have liked this guy for 5 years and signs show that he likes me but he won't ask me out. So how do I ask him out?
VictorM's advice:
"Oh [his name] I can't wait to see [insert movie or event name] but none of my friends want to go and I hate to go alone."
Let the statement hang in the air. If he's really interested he'll say he'll go with you. If not, oh well, maybe he just doesn't care for that even or he couldn't go, so you can always try again later with another event.
I'd say try this for the next ten years before you ask him directly.
We could hang out and get a hotel and just relax
leeza, 30, from ct, asks:
Met this guy 2 weeks ago. I hung out with him last weekend (he lives in New York). We went to a club, throughout the night we kissed (nothing more). All this week we talked briefly, mostly text message each other (sometimes dirty things said), the plan is to see him Friday. I asked him what he had planned he said that we could hang out and get a hotel and just relax. What the hell does that mean (does he want just casual sex?) please let me know what to say to him so he knows that I am not into that. I really wanted to get to know him. HELP!
VictorM's advice:
"Get a hotel and just relax"... hahahaha oh man, gotta give this guy credit for trying.
Of course he's ready for casual sex. What do you think those "dirty things" you said were all about?
Just say no to going to a hotel. It's that simple.
Met this guy 2 weeks ago. I hung out with him last weekend (he lives in New York). We went to a club, throughout the night we kissed (nothing more). All this week we talked briefly, mostly text message each other (sometimes dirty things said), the plan is to see him Friday. I asked him what he had planned he said that we could hang out and get a hotel and just relax. What the hell does that mean (does he want just casual sex?) please let me know what to say to him so he knows that I am not into that. I really wanted to get to know him. HELP!
VictorM's advice:
"Get a hotel and just relax"... hahahaha oh man, gotta give this guy credit for trying.
Of course he's ready for casual sex. What do you think those "dirty things" you said were all about?
Just say no to going to a hotel. It's that simple.
I find myself wanting to tell him
Katie, 20, from Massachusetts, asks:
I am a 20 year old college student. For years I have dated many guys, all of them older than me. At times I thought I was in love so I would say those words and think I meant it. I did not realize what love was until November 2006.
I met a guy, he was 22. I fell in love with him. The feelings I had for him are feelings I had never felt before. I knew at that point, that thats what love really feels like. We were together for about 4 months, until I went ot visit my parents for Christmas in December. When I came back, he was going to ask me to marry him. He already had the ring. On Christmas day, he called me, and told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I thought it sounded odd, and sure enough, the next day he had a new girlfriend. I was devastated, I didn't sleep or eat for weeks. It was the worst feeling in the world.
After that, I had been single for 5 months. Thats the longest I have ever been single since, well since before I started dating. And in early May, I met someone. He is also 22. But very different from my last boyfriend. I told myself, that I would never fall in love again, because when it ended, I didn't want to have to feel that pain again.
This relationship I have now, is so different form any other I've ever had. He doesn't constantly tell me I'm "beautiful" and he doesn't have any pet names for me. Not to say he's not a nice guy, he's very sweet. It's been about a month, and I find myself wanting to tell him....that I'm in love with him. It scares me enough to know that I have fallen for him especially after my last relationship... but it's worse not knowing what to do about it. I don't know if he feels as strongly as I do. It's only been 2 months that we've been together, and maybe it's a little soon for me to tell him something like that. But it's eating away at me. It's so hard, I just want to tell him...but I don't want to lose him either.
What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Tell him how you feel about him. Two months is long enough to know what your feelings are.
Could that scare him away? Sure, but if you lose him because he doesn't feel the same way about you, you're better off finding out sooner rather than later before you invest even more of your energies into him.
He may not be ready to say the same thing to you, and that's something you should be prepared for, but I don't see how it hurts for you to tell him how you feel.
I am a 20 year old college student. For years I have dated many guys, all of them older than me. At times I thought I was in love so I would say those words and think I meant it. I did not realize what love was until November 2006.
I met a guy, he was 22. I fell in love with him. The feelings I had for him are feelings I had never felt before. I knew at that point, that thats what love really feels like. We were together for about 4 months, until I went ot visit my parents for Christmas in December. When I came back, he was going to ask me to marry him. He already had the ring. On Christmas day, he called me, and told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I thought it sounded odd, and sure enough, the next day he had a new girlfriend. I was devastated, I didn't sleep or eat for weeks. It was the worst feeling in the world.
After that, I had been single for 5 months. Thats the longest I have ever been single since, well since before I started dating. And in early May, I met someone. He is also 22. But very different from my last boyfriend. I told myself, that I would never fall in love again, because when it ended, I didn't want to have to feel that pain again.
This relationship I have now, is so different form any other I've ever had. He doesn't constantly tell me I'm "beautiful" and he doesn't have any pet names for me. Not to say he's not a nice guy, he's very sweet. It's been about a month, and I find myself wanting to tell him....that I'm in love with him. It scares me enough to know that I have fallen for him especially after my last relationship... but it's worse not knowing what to do about it. I don't know if he feels as strongly as I do. It's only been 2 months that we've been together, and maybe it's a little soon for me to tell him something like that. But it's eating away at me. It's so hard, I just want to tell him...but I don't want to lose him either.
What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Tell him how you feel about him. Two months is long enough to know what your feelings are.
Could that scare him away? Sure, but if you lose him because he doesn't feel the same way about you, you're better off finding out sooner rather than later before you invest even more of your energies into him.
He may not be ready to say the same thing to you, and that's something you should be prepared for, but I don't see how it hurts for you to tell him how you feel.
My friend wants me to give him a chance
Tyler, 19, from california, asks:
My friend introduced me to this guy that my friend was dating and he broked up with her. She is obsessed with him. My friend wants me to give him a chance and go out with him, but I don't want to fight with my friend over a guy. What shoud I do?
1. give him a chance
2. ask my friend to hook her up with another guy before going out with him
3. don't care and just go out with him
VictorM's advice:
I know woman have strict rules of conduct to deal with this sort of thing, so I'm not so sure I'm the right person to ask, but here's my view anyway: unless you positively really like this guy, I'd say stay away from him. The odds of future bitterness and awkwardness between you and your friend is too high.
My friend introduced me to this guy that my friend was dating and he broked up with her. She is obsessed with him. My friend wants me to give him a chance and go out with him, but I don't want to fight with my friend over a guy. What shoud I do?
1. give him a chance
2. ask my friend to hook her up with another guy before going out with him
3. don't care and just go out with him
VictorM's advice:
I know woman have strict rules of conduct to deal with this sort of thing, so I'm not so sure I'm the right person to ask, but here's my view anyway: unless you positively really like this guy, I'd say stay away from him. The odds of future bitterness and awkwardness between you and your friend is too high.
Does he really hate me, and if so, why?
Linda, 32, from Colorado, asks:
I had been in a long-distance relationship (6 hours) for 18 months; the first three months it wasn't. Because of the difficulty of long distance, we had an agreement that if we were to become interested in someone else or if we ended up sleeping with someone else, we would let the other know so that we could decide whether to continue. The last two times I'd gone to visit, I felt that something was up but he didn't admit to anything. This last time, I just knew he was seeing someone, I could feel it. The topic came up about other people, he said repeatedly that he wasn't seeing anyone. I looked on his digital camera that was sitting on his dresser, and there was my proof - naked pictures of the same woman in different time frames. I went back home and told him in an email what I'd done and what I'd seen, though I lied about how much I'd seen. I said I'd seen less rather than more. (I recognized her as a woman he referred to as a a black patch in his life; she constantly called him and has since the day we started seeing each other and I'd believed him that he didn't speak with her). When he received my email, which was not accusatory, and probably over-apologetic, he responded with such cruelty and venom, that I'm still reeling a bit from it. He told me that he hates me and will destroy every picture of me, etc., etc. It was quite long and vicious; I knew he would be angry but I thought we would talk about it and be done with it on adult terms. Instead, he pinned it all on me - yes, I did invade his privacy, but I told him, and frankly, I'm glad I looked. I'm not interested in him anymore but his hatred really gets to me - does he really hate me, and if so, why?
VictorM's advice:
This is a common behavior of people who can't accept responsibility for their mistakes. When confronted, they seek to do two things: deflect and justify.
The deflection comes in the form of making the debate about your "violation of his privacy" instead of the real issue -- his cheating.
The justification comes in the form of making you sound like a terrible person -- any resemblance to the truth is not required -- which in his mind serves to justify what he did. The more rotten he makes you seem, the more justified he was in cheating on you.
Is it really hate? Not really. It's just a man who can't take responsibility for his actions doing what he needs to do to live with himself.
I had been in a long-distance relationship (6 hours) for 18 months; the first three months it wasn't. Because of the difficulty of long distance, we had an agreement that if we were to become interested in someone else or if we ended up sleeping with someone else, we would let the other know so that we could decide whether to continue. The last two times I'd gone to visit, I felt that something was up but he didn't admit to anything. This last time, I just knew he was seeing someone, I could feel it. The topic came up about other people, he said repeatedly that he wasn't seeing anyone. I looked on his digital camera that was sitting on his dresser, and there was my proof - naked pictures of the same woman in different time frames. I went back home and told him in an email what I'd done and what I'd seen, though I lied about how much I'd seen. I said I'd seen less rather than more. (I recognized her as a woman he referred to as a a black patch in his life; she constantly called him and has since the day we started seeing each other and I'd believed him that he didn't speak with her). When he received my email, which was not accusatory, and probably over-apologetic, he responded with such cruelty and venom, that I'm still reeling a bit from it. He told me that he hates me and will destroy every picture of me, etc., etc. It was quite long and vicious; I knew he would be angry but I thought we would talk about it and be done with it on adult terms. Instead, he pinned it all on me - yes, I did invade his privacy, but I told him, and frankly, I'm glad I looked. I'm not interested in him anymore but his hatred really gets to me - does he really hate me, and if so, why?
VictorM's advice:
This is a common behavior of people who can't accept responsibility for their mistakes. When confronted, they seek to do two things: deflect and justify.
The deflection comes in the form of making the debate about your "violation of his privacy" instead of the real issue -- his cheating.
The justification comes in the form of making you sound like a terrible person -- any resemblance to the truth is not required -- which in his mind serves to justify what he did. The more rotten he makes you seem, the more justified he was in cheating on you.
Is it really hate? Not really. It's just a man who can't take responsibility for his actions doing what he needs to do to live with himself.
Sometimes it makes me feel a little cheap
Dani, 27, from San Diego, asks:
I met this guy back in April. He is in the Marines and he got deployed 2 weeks later. Yes I know, bad timing. We had this crazy instant attraction and we slept together right away. I got out of a relationship a few months earlier and I just wanted to have a good time with him and I didn't take it serious at all because I knew he was leaving for 6 months. We said we would stay in touch but I expected maybe an email a week or something and that it would probably all stop after a while.
Well, the opposite happened. He emailed me every day, and I mean loooong, sweet and genuine emails, called me once a week (which means buying expensive calling cards and waiting in line forever and all that stuff), sent me flowers, wrote me wonderful letters, etc. And all of a sudden it felt like we would be able to keep our great connection alive during those 6 months. A few weeks into it he told me that he fell in love with me and that he knows it's crazy but that he has never felt like that about anyone before. He also talks about the future with me all the time. And he said he wants me to be his girlfriend when he comes back and that he doesn't want to be with anyone else. I fell in love with him too and I care about him so much. And I haven't been out with anyone else since he left because no one compares to him. It's very hard sometimes but I'm always there for him and support him and he says that he can't even say how much that helps him.
A few weeks ago we started talking about sex more. Our fantasies and what we would do if we were together. First it was him and then it was me too because I liked it and it made us feel connected too in a way. The problem is that it's making me feel more and more uncomfortable now. Sometimes it makes me feel a little cheap and I feel like I'm losing the strong emotional bond that was there up until a couple weeks ago when we started with that. I know he's starved and so am I but I just want him to know that I only want to sleep with him again if it's a serious relationship. I told him that before he left but it was a while ago. Should I tell him again?
A deployment really brings a lot of emotional stress and it makes you go crazy sometimes. I just feel like that recent shift in the way we talk with each other is undermining my faith in a possible future together. I think I can't see clear anymore. Does it sound like he is genuine or should I be worried?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
I think you should keep in mind that being sexual in text form (emails, chat, texting messages) invites the use of crass language that a person may not use in real life. In writing, explicit language helps to convey a sense of desire that in person requires no words. Saying something like "I insert my penis in your vagina" clearly isn't going to get a guy's juices flowing. So what happens is guys tend to use language that may come across as "cheap" to compensate for the lack of physical contact.
I realize you could be talking about issues that could be a bigger concern -- there are too many to mention and I don't want too get too graphic -- but without specifics I can't say if you should be worried or not.
I met this guy back in April. He is in the Marines and he got deployed 2 weeks later. Yes I know, bad timing. We had this crazy instant attraction and we slept together right away. I got out of a relationship a few months earlier and I just wanted to have a good time with him and I didn't take it serious at all because I knew he was leaving for 6 months. We said we would stay in touch but I expected maybe an email a week or something and that it would probably all stop after a while.
Well, the opposite happened. He emailed me every day, and I mean loooong, sweet and genuine emails, called me once a week (which means buying expensive calling cards and waiting in line forever and all that stuff), sent me flowers, wrote me wonderful letters, etc. And all of a sudden it felt like we would be able to keep our great connection alive during those 6 months. A few weeks into it he told me that he fell in love with me and that he knows it's crazy but that he has never felt like that about anyone before. He also talks about the future with me all the time. And he said he wants me to be his girlfriend when he comes back and that he doesn't want to be with anyone else. I fell in love with him too and I care about him so much. And I haven't been out with anyone else since he left because no one compares to him. It's very hard sometimes but I'm always there for him and support him and he says that he can't even say how much that helps him.
A few weeks ago we started talking about sex more. Our fantasies and what we would do if we were together. First it was him and then it was me too because I liked it and it made us feel connected too in a way. The problem is that it's making me feel more and more uncomfortable now. Sometimes it makes me feel a little cheap and I feel like I'm losing the strong emotional bond that was there up until a couple weeks ago when we started with that. I know he's starved and so am I but I just want him to know that I only want to sleep with him again if it's a serious relationship. I told him that before he left but it was a while ago. Should I tell him again?
A deployment really brings a lot of emotional stress and it makes you go crazy sometimes. I just feel like that recent shift in the way we talk with each other is undermining my faith in a possible future together. I think I can't see clear anymore. Does it sound like he is genuine or should I be worried?
Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
I think you should keep in mind that being sexual in text form (emails, chat, texting messages) invites the use of crass language that a person may not use in real life. In writing, explicit language helps to convey a sense of desire that in person requires no words. Saying something like "I insert my penis in your vagina" clearly isn't going to get a guy's juices flowing. So what happens is guys tend to use language that may come across as "cheap" to compensate for the lack of physical contact.
I realize you could be talking about issues that could be a bigger concern -- there are too many to mention and I don't want too get too graphic -- but without specifics I can't say if you should be worried or not.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
he said that things were not working out
penelope, 26, from denmark, asks:
Hi, I just want to get a guys perspective on this. My boyfriend broke up with me about 5 months ago, he said that things were not working out. I was devastated. About three weeks later I found out that he was seeing this girl, I found our from a friend as we both have mutual friends. Again I was devastated because I did not know whether it was going on behind me back etc. etc. but I just left them both alone and I never said anything bad or I never contacted him, I dealt with my pain myself. They broke up and had been apart for about 2 months when he contacted me and I had to call up because I had to collect something from him. He then proceeded to tell me that he still had feelings for me and that what we had was special and that he realized that he was after making a mistake. We were getting on great because I was thinking that maybe he did realize that he was after making a mistake. Then one day out of the blue he called to say that everything was sorted between himself and this other girl. What was the point of telling me everything if he was going to do that?????
VictorM's answer:
This is quite simple. Here's a likely scenario: he goes out with you and really likes you but has doubts that you're "the one". So, he decides to act on that doubt and breakup with you. He starts seeing another girl and when he has a falling out with her, he remembers you fondly and thinks maybe he rushed things with you. So he comes back and initially only the best of your relationship comes to the surface, but soon enough realizes once again, that you're not his "the one".
How many times have you gone shopping for a dress, you have money to buy only one, but you see more than one that you like and you have a hard time choosing between them? You try the red one, you try the blue one, you try the red one again.
He's just a single guy trying to make sure he picks the best dress. He's given you a second look and came to the conclusion that you clash with his pink shoes.
Hi, I just want to get a guys perspective on this. My boyfriend broke up with me about 5 months ago, he said that things were not working out. I was devastated. About three weeks later I found out that he was seeing this girl, I found our from a friend as we both have mutual friends. Again I was devastated because I did not know whether it was going on behind me back etc. etc. but I just left them both alone and I never said anything bad or I never contacted him, I dealt with my pain myself. They broke up and had been apart for about 2 months when he contacted me and I had to call up because I had to collect something from him. He then proceeded to tell me that he still had feelings for me and that what we had was special and that he realized that he was after making a mistake. We were getting on great because I was thinking that maybe he did realize that he was after making a mistake. Then one day out of the blue he called to say that everything was sorted between himself and this other girl. What was the point of telling me everything if he was going to do that?????
VictorM's answer:
This is quite simple. Here's a likely scenario: he goes out with you and really likes you but has doubts that you're "the one". So, he decides to act on that doubt and breakup with you. He starts seeing another girl and when he has a falling out with her, he remembers you fondly and thinks maybe he rushed things with you. So he comes back and initially only the best of your relationship comes to the surface, but soon enough realizes once again, that you're not his "the one".
How many times have you gone shopping for a dress, you have money to buy only one, but you see more than one that you like and you have a hard time choosing between them? You try the red one, you try the blue one, you try the red one again.
He's just a single guy trying to make sure he picks the best dress. He's given you a second look and came to the conclusion that you clash with his pink shoes.
He even let me kiss him twice
Claudia, 14, from Ohio, asks:
I've liked my one guy friend for 4 months now, and he knows that, he even let me kiss him twice and sleep in his bed with him one night. However, the girls he is friends with are (I'm sorry..) but they're complete skanks. But now he's on vacation and won't be back till mid-July. I met this other guy and he's really in love with me. He holds my hand, tells me I'm perfect, he would stand up for me, and he's just fun to be around. He's head over heels. Now, I really don't know what to do. He's going across the country and is staying there. But I love him... I just dont know what to do. I can't stand to be without him for a second. He's amazing. But then there's also my friend..who was really my first love. And I don't want to let that go. Because in a few weeks, everything will be back to where it was :/ What do I do??
VictorM's advice:
Claudia, this is a no-brainer. You hang out with the guy who says you're perfect until he leaves. It's not like you can stop him from going, right? Impossible as it seems, you will live without him. And then, your generous friend who is kind enough to let you kiss him will be back to make your summer tolerable.
So basically, you can have two for the price of one. Isn't life grand?
I've liked my one guy friend for 4 months now, and he knows that, he even let me kiss him twice and sleep in his bed with him one night. However, the girls he is friends with are (I'm sorry..) but they're complete skanks. But now he's on vacation and won't be back till mid-July. I met this other guy and he's really in love with me. He holds my hand, tells me I'm perfect, he would stand up for me, and he's just fun to be around. He's head over heels. Now, I really don't know what to do. He's going across the country and is staying there. But I love him... I just dont know what to do. I can't stand to be without him for a second. He's amazing. But then there's also my friend..who was really my first love. And I don't want to let that go. Because in a few weeks, everything will be back to where it was :/ What do I do??
VictorM's advice:
Claudia, this is a no-brainer. You hang out with the guy who says you're perfect until he leaves. It's not like you can stop him from going, right? Impossible as it seems, you will live without him. And then, your generous friend who is kind enough to let you kiss him will be back to make your summer tolerable.
So basically, you can have two for the price of one. Isn't life grand?
Money as a birthday gift
Cindy, 20, from McAllen, asks:
What does it mean when a married man that you're seeing gives you money as a birthday gift?
VictorM's answer:
It means he's lazy. But I like to think he feels a john and wanted to compensate you accordingly.
What does it mean when a married man that you're seeing gives you money as a birthday gift?
VictorM's answer:
It means he's lazy. But I like to think he feels a john and wanted to compensate you accordingly.
We met at a bar, went home had sex
Tammy, 27, from Dirty South, asks:
I have been seeing this guy for 1 month now but it seems a little longer. We met at a bar, went home had sex and he said he would call me and he did the 2nd following day. I was pretty shocked to be honest with you because I just thought that it would have been just a one night stand and that he would never called. So now we have been hanging out some, but I don't quite understand this. From the first conversation he was has pretty open with me, I mean from the very 1st conversation on the phone. He was telling me about how is mom was and how his other relationship was he was just kinda throwing it all out there! I was like okay....anyway he came by a couple of times and he would have nice comments like you're the shit and I thought I had my shit together. Then a couple of times he has sold me out. Um then when I offer to do something for him it's like he doesn't know why I would want to.. Okay so he started off his conversations with talking about another girl which he really doesn't talk about her much but the past two days he has told me about a girl he like before his ex and how he sometimes wonders about her and I told to try and find her then if he thinks it might work...later the next day he told me that he met a girl in the t-shirt store that reminded him of that same girl and he couldn't believe it. He said he shouldv'e asked for her number but I dont' know. Then last night we were going to bed and a song came on and he was telling me about how it got with this girl recently and how he had a crush on her when he was younger and that how they recently got together and had really good sex "I guess to that song" and now she won't just won't talk to him. So my reponse was okay and, and he said I don't even know why I told you that. So my question is what in the hell do you think this is? I mean he calls me all the time....I am a bit confused please help me see the light....
VictorM's answer:
I guess in the world of people who are into one night stands, he's trying to impress you. Also, you've sorta become his shrink, in a way, because he feels comfortable talking to him. From your responses, it sounds that you have not been judgmental, and that's probably a relief for him.
Imagine that, a shrink with whom he can have casual sex. Society needs more people like you, I say.
I have been seeing this guy for 1 month now but it seems a little longer. We met at a bar, went home had sex and he said he would call me and he did the 2nd following day. I was pretty shocked to be honest with you because I just thought that it would have been just a one night stand and that he would never called. So now we have been hanging out some, but I don't quite understand this. From the first conversation he was has pretty open with me, I mean from the very 1st conversation on the phone. He was telling me about how is mom was and how his other relationship was he was just kinda throwing it all out there! I was like okay....anyway he came by a couple of times and he would have nice comments like you're the shit and I thought I had my shit together. Then a couple of times he has sold me out. Um then when I offer to do something for him it's like he doesn't know why I would want to.. Okay so he started off his conversations with talking about another girl which he really doesn't talk about her much but the past two days he has told me about a girl he like before his ex and how he sometimes wonders about her and I told to try and find her then if he thinks it might work...later the next day he told me that he met a girl in the t-shirt store that reminded him of that same girl and he couldn't believe it. He said he shouldv'e asked for her number but I dont' know. Then last night we were going to bed and a song came on and he was telling me about how it got with this girl recently and how he had a crush on her when he was younger and that how they recently got together and had really good sex "I guess to that song" and now she won't just won't talk to him. So my reponse was okay and, and he said I don't even know why I told you that. So my question is what in the hell do you think this is? I mean he calls me all the time....I am a bit confused please help me see the light....
VictorM's answer:
I guess in the world of people who are into one night stands, he's trying to impress you. Also, you've sorta become his shrink, in a way, because he feels comfortable talking to him. From your responses, it sounds that you have not been judgmental, and that's probably a relief for him.
Imagine that, a shrink with whom he can have casual sex. Society needs more people like you, I say.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Am I just being used for some occasional fun?
Heather, 26, from Europe, asks:
A couple of months a go I met a guy. We talked a bit, I went home. My friend started dating his best friend and now when they all go out together he asks my friend to call me and invite me (He never invites me himself). The first time was at a party at his house, we ended up sleeping together. When we're together he holds my hand walking, kisses me, stares into my eyes. He has no problem doing those things in public (and with his friends -whom I get along with great- around) He sleeps with his arms wrapped around me tightly (which I don't like but tolerate because it's just so damn sweet. haha) When we're together we talk about taking trips and going on dates, but we never do. I know I'm not the most upfront person when it comes to my feelings but I do send him textmessages, which he almost never replies to. It's all confusing. When we're together he makes me feel like I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. When we're not, I feel ignored and stupid. I don't want to be the girl that he (asks someone else to) calls when he feels like seeing her. What to do? I don't want to be "that girl" that makes a big deal out of nothing by asking where this is going. Am I just being used for some occasional fun?
VictorM's advice:
Well, what's wrong with starting out as the occasional fun girl? Sounds to me like both of you have a really good time together.
The things that you two do sound very sweet and loving. He seems to really like you, but... he's not ready for the full commitment thing. If you're not crazy about his pace you can say "no" to him. You don't HAVE to sleep with him. You do it because you choose to do it. You don't have to say "yes" when his friend asks you. You can say "no" until he's the one who asks you.
I don't think there's anything wrong with his behavior that your ability to speak for yourself can't fix.
Oh, and text messages suck! Guys hate them. Don't judge his interest in you by his lack of responses.
A couple of months a go I met a guy. We talked a bit, I went home. My friend started dating his best friend and now when they all go out together he asks my friend to call me and invite me (He never invites me himself). The first time was at a party at his house, we ended up sleeping together. When we're together he holds my hand walking, kisses me, stares into my eyes. He has no problem doing those things in public (and with his friends -whom I get along with great- around) He sleeps with his arms wrapped around me tightly (which I don't like but tolerate because it's just so damn sweet. haha) When we're together we talk about taking trips and going on dates, but we never do. I know I'm not the most upfront person when it comes to my feelings but I do send him textmessages, which he almost never replies to. It's all confusing. When we're together he makes me feel like I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. When we're not, I feel ignored and stupid. I don't want to be the girl that he (asks someone else to) calls when he feels like seeing her. What to do? I don't want to be "that girl" that makes a big deal out of nothing by asking where this is going. Am I just being used for some occasional fun?
VictorM's advice:
Well, what's wrong with starting out as the occasional fun girl? Sounds to me like both of you have a really good time together.
The things that you two do sound very sweet and loving. He seems to really like you, but... he's not ready for the full commitment thing. If you're not crazy about his pace you can say "no" to him. You don't HAVE to sleep with him. You do it because you choose to do it. You don't have to say "yes" when his friend asks you. You can say "no" until he's the one who asks you.
I don't think there's anything wrong with his behavior that your ability to speak for yourself can't fix.
Oh, and text messages suck! Guys hate them. Don't judge his interest in you by his lack of responses.
Not Greek to me
Samantha, 28, from Cyprus, asks:
I've been dating with a guy for about 3 weeks. He wouldn't make a move at me, I found it kind of weird but, I blamed it on him being an associate at work (we don't work at the same office but my boss has some dealings with him). Every date we had was very cool, we always had good time, he would call me every day and we would talk for hours, he would come to see me where ever I was for coffee, etc. Anyway, on last Thursday we kissed and went back to his place and had sex which was really really good. After that he has pushed away from me. He did call me to see how I am and everything but he acts like nothing ever happened. We talk on msn and he calls but no further than that. He is a very nice guy, he is one of the few left. I am very worried that he lost interest for me and the only reason he keeps contact with me it's because he feels bad and he doesn't want just to disappear. I am trying to breath in and out, and relax don't know what else to do. Do you think I should talk to him and tell him if he regreted, it's ok we are both adults and it's not the end of the world. I just want to know. Sorry for the bad spelling... I guess you don't read Greek so you have to tolerade my English :P
VictorM's advice:
To me, your English is a lot better than your Greek. :)
I think a lot of what you assume is probably what is going on. See, when a guy is courting a girl, sex is an obvious goal. So what comes after sex? Commitment! And while almost all guys are ready for sex, not as many as ready to get serious. So... he's not ready to get serious, not with you anyway.
The normal instinct is to want to ask the guy, and most people would advise you to do it, after all, isn't good communication a good thing? But the problem is, asking him just forces the guy to lie. If he lost interest in you, he will lie. Guys HATE to tell a girl they're not into her anymore. He will make excuses (working too hard, family problems, maybe we rushed it, "I've been hurt before", blah blah blah).
But you're not much different. You're thinking of telling him that having sex was no big deal. That makes you come across as someone who doesn't think much about having sex with a guy she only dated a few times. Is that really true? I doubt it. The truth is, you are bothered that one a few good guys left isn't coming after you. So anything else you tell him is a lie.
If you talk to him and this topic comes up, you should tell him what I believe to be the truth: you only had sex with him because you like him very much and you expected to be entering into a serious relationship.
If he doesn't want a serious relationship, does he really need to say it to you? Come on, isn't his lack of interest enough? Let's face it, his actions are not Greek to me and they should be to you.
I've been dating with a guy for about 3 weeks. He wouldn't make a move at me, I found it kind of weird but, I blamed it on him being an associate at work (we don't work at the same office but my boss has some dealings with him). Every date we had was very cool, we always had good time, he would call me every day and we would talk for hours, he would come to see me where ever I was for coffee, etc. Anyway, on last Thursday we kissed and went back to his place and had sex which was really really good. After that he has pushed away from me. He did call me to see how I am and everything but he acts like nothing ever happened. We talk on msn and he calls but no further than that. He is a very nice guy, he is one of the few left. I am very worried that he lost interest for me and the only reason he keeps contact with me it's because he feels bad and he doesn't want just to disappear. I am trying to breath in and out, and relax don't know what else to do. Do you think I should talk to him and tell him if he regreted, it's ok we are both adults and it's not the end of the world. I just want to know. Sorry for the bad spelling... I guess you don't read Greek so you have to tolerade my English :P
VictorM's advice:
To me, your English is a lot better than your Greek. :)
I think a lot of what you assume is probably what is going on. See, when a guy is courting a girl, sex is an obvious goal. So what comes after sex? Commitment! And while almost all guys are ready for sex, not as many as ready to get serious. So... he's not ready to get serious, not with you anyway.
The normal instinct is to want to ask the guy, and most people would advise you to do it, after all, isn't good communication a good thing? But the problem is, asking him just forces the guy to lie. If he lost interest in you, he will lie. Guys HATE to tell a girl they're not into her anymore. He will make excuses (working too hard, family problems, maybe we rushed it, "I've been hurt before", blah blah blah).
But you're not much different. You're thinking of telling him that having sex was no big deal. That makes you come across as someone who doesn't think much about having sex with a guy she only dated a few times. Is that really true? I doubt it. The truth is, you are bothered that one a few good guys left isn't coming after you. So anything else you tell him is a lie.
If you talk to him and this topic comes up, you should tell him what I believe to be the truth: you only had sex with him because you like him very much and you expected to be entering into a serious relationship.
If he doesn't want a serious relationship, does he really need to say it to you? Come on, isn't his lack of interest enough? Let's face it, his actions are not Greek to me and they should be to you.
He asked me if I wanted to have kids with him
Confused, 28, from California, asks:
This guy and I have been seeing each other for the last 2 months. This last weekend we were in bed and he asked me if I wanted to have kids with him and we could start on our honeymoon. We have never talked about anything like this before and I am not really sure of what to say or do. We don't live together and we both have one child each by other people. I know that I like the guy but I also know that I am not in love with him. No guy that I have ever been with has ever asked me to have his kids after only two months of dating. Please give me a little advise because I just not sure how to react. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
A little advice? Sure. Here it is: Just say no.
(You don't love him and the world is overcrowded already).
This guy and I have been seeing each other for the last 2 months. This last weekend we were in bed and he asked me if I wanted to have kids with him and we could start on our honeymoon. We have never talked about anything like this before and I am not really sure of what to say or do. We don't live together and we both have one child each by other people. I know that I like the guy but I also know that I am not in love with him. No guy that I have ever been with has ever asked me to have his kids after only two months of dating. Please give me a little advise because I just not sure how to react. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
A little advice? Sure. Here it is: Just say no.
(You don't love him and the world is overcrowded already).
Casual relationship when feelings are involved
Sharon, 30, from New Hampshire, asks:
How do you go about just being in a casual relationship when one person's feelings are more then the other's? Can this type of relationship continue for long?
VictorM's advice:
It might work but it'll depend on the other person. There's little the person with no feelings can do because he/she doesn't have the emotional attachment that the other one does.
Frankly, it's too risky. You're better off building some space between the two and searching for new friends.
How do you go about just being in a casual relationship when one person's feelings are more then the other's? Can this type of relationship continue for long?
VictorM's advice:
It might work but it'll depend on the other person. There's little the person with no feelings can do because he/she doesn't have the emotional attachment that the other one does.
Frankly, it's too risky. You're better off building some space between the two and searching for new friends.
How do I convince my parents that I am old enough
Shay, 14, almost 15, from Washington, asks:
How do I convince my parents that I am old enough to hang out with my boyfriend alone? It seems everytime I want to, she says I'm too young. I try to explain that it really isn't a big deal, because it isn't like we go to fancy dinners, we just like meeting at the park and hanging out. Sometimes it is harder getting people to hang out with us just because Summer is so busy. How can I convince them that I am mature enough to just hang out with him alone?
VictorM's advice:
Don't try to convince them it's not a big deal. See, they are operating on their own experiences of what they did at 14 (your mom probably was a hot little number back then). So anything you say isn't going to register with them because they "know more than you."
A more effective way is to agree with them, accept that they know more than you, and ask for their advice. It's very important that you do three things: one, agree with them; two, ask them how you can overcome their concern; three, always stick to the "how can I spend more time with him" theme. For example, let's assume they say: "You can't spend time with him because he just wants to have his way with you." Your normal reaction is going to be to disagree, but don't! Say, "OK, I trust you have a better sense of this than I do, so please help me spend more time with him without him having his way with me." If you agree with them and then ask for their help, well... what parent doesn't want to come across as all-knowing?
When they give you some freedom, you better comply with their rules to perfection even if the rules are too restrictive at first. But the more you obey, the more they'll trust you and the more freedom they'll give you. Take what you can get at first and build from there.
Oh, and by the way, they, just like me, know that the "just like meeting at the park and hanging out" is bullshit. So don't even try it. :)
How do I convince my parents that I am old enough to hang out with my boyfriend alone? It seems everytime I want to, she says I'm too young. I try to explain that it really isn't a big deal, because it isn't like we go to fancy dinners, we just like meeting at the park and hanging out. Sometimes it is harder getting people to hang out with us just because Summer is so busy. How can I convince them that I am mature enough to just hang out with him alone?
VictorM's advice:
Don't try to convince them it's not a big deal. See, they are operating on their own experiences of what they did at 14 (your mom probably was a hot little number back then). So anything you say isn't going to register with them because they "know more than you."
A more effective way is to agree with them, accept that they know more than you, and ask for their advice. It's very important that you do three things: one, agree with them; two, ask them how you can overcome their concern; three, always stick to the "how can I spend more time with him" theme. For example, let's assume they say: "You can't spend time with him because he just wants to have his way with you." Your normal reaction is going to be to disagree, but don't! Say, "OK, I trust you have a better sense of this than I do, so please help me spend more time with him without him having his way with me." If you agree with them and then ask for their help, well... what parent doesn't want to come across as all-knowing?
When they give you some freedom, you better comply with their rules to perfection even if the rules are too restrictive at first. But the more you obey, the more they'll trust you and the more freedom they'll give you. Take what you can get at first and build from there.
Oh, and by the way, they, just like me, know that the "just like meeting at the park and hanging out" is bullshit. So don't even try it. :)
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
I am picky to a fault
Jen, 21, from mass, asks:
First off: I am picky to a fault. It takes me way too long to find a guy I feel is worth going for, and when I finally find one... I freak out!
I met this guy, Steven, about a year ago through a mutual friend, and I was attracted to him right off the bat. He's really sweet and smart (he's an English teacher to inter-city kids) and he also listens to good black metal and plays a lot of video games. We only hung out a few times, each time with other people.
After the summer he moved to philly for a teaching job, so I rarely get to see him.
I saw him last night at a party, and after talking for hours, he invited me to come visit him in philly for a weekend. We've never hung out alone before, never kissed or anything... but I've got it BAD! We have so much in common, and I think he likes me too... but is it too soon to take him up on his weekend offer? Will it be weird since we haven't hung out one on one?
I feel like he's into me.... but what if I'm wrong?
I haven't dated in a long time due to my pickiness, and I like him a lot.. How do I make this work?
VictorM's advice:
You're impressed that he "listens to good black metal and plays a lot of video games" and you call yourself picky? *shakes head* :)
Seriously, being picky is a gift! It's your best mechanism for not getting stuck with someone you'll regret. More people should have your gift. So don't knock yourself for that. But you also ought to consider dating people just for the fun of dating. Going out with someone that you don't think will work out but he makes you laugh, or introduces you to some new activity, or has a different view on things, etc. can be quite fun. Don't think that dating is just looking for the guy you're going to marry. It's very liberating to date a less than perfect guy when expectations are low. In the process, you may find out that someone who doesn't seem compatible actually is. But sometimes just having fun for a couple of hours is refreshing. You can learn so much from other people. Try it.
Anyway, I say go to Philadelphia (and try Gino's steak sandwich). If you go and it turns out to be a mistake, so what? You'll come back home with knowledge you had no way of learning any other way. Look, at some point you have to take some risks. You'll learn a lot being with him for a while, and even if he doesn't turn out to set you on fire, Philadelphia is a fun city to visit. Just don't go for too long. Maybe two days and one night. Better to leave wishing to stay -- you can always return for a longer period -- than to feel the hours are dragging by.
First off: I am picky to a fault. It takes me way too long to find a guy I feel is worth going for, and when I finally find one... I freak out!
I met this guy, Steven, about a year ago through a mutual friend, and I was attracted to him right off the bat. He's really sweet and smart (he's an English teacher to inter-city kids) and he also listens to good black metal and plays a lot of video games. We only hung out a few times, each time with other people.
After the summer he moved to philly for a teaching job, so I rarely get to see him.
I saw him last night at a party, and after talking for hours, he invited me to come visit him in philly for a weekend. We've never hung out alone before, never kissed or anything... but I've got it BAD! We have so much in common, and I think he likes me too... but is it too soon to take him up on his weekend offer? Will it be weird since we haven't hung out one on one?
I feel like he's into me.... but what if I'm wrong?
I haven't dated in a long time due to my pickiness, and I like him a lot.. How do I make this work?
VictorM's advice:
You're impressed that he "listens to good black metal and plays a lot of video games" and you call yourself picky? *shakes head* :)
Seriously, being picky is a gift! It's your best mechanism for not getting stuck with someone you'll regret. More people should have your gift. So don't knock yourself for that. But you also ought to consider dating people just for the fun of dating. Going out with someone that you don't think will work out but he makes you laugh, or introduces you to some new activity, or has a different view on things, etc. can be quite fun. Don't think that dating is just looking for the guy you're going to marry. It's very liberating to date a less than perfect guy when expectations are low. In the process, you may find out that someone who doesn't seem compatible actually is. But sometimes just having fun for a couple of hours is refreshing. You can learn so much from other people. Try it.
Anyway, I say go to Philadelphia (and try Gino's steak sandwich). If you go and it turns out to be a mistake, so what? You'll come back home with knowledge you had no way of learning any other way. Look, at some point you have to take some risks. You'll learn a lot being with him for a while, and even if he doesn't turn out to set you on fire, Philadelphia is a fun city to visit. Just don't go for too long. Maybe two days and one night. Better to leave wishing to stay -- you can always return for a longer period -- than to feel the hours are dragging by.
Things got a little crazier later on
Kat, 21, from DC, asks:
I recently met this guy at a friend's party. We had a great time talking together and hanging out. Things got a little crazier later on with more drinks. I left the party with him, we made out in his car for a while, but didn't take things as far as we could have. We traded numbers, and he texted me a couple times that night, saying he would visit me on campus as soon as he could. We plan to get together the next weekend, he says he'll call Friday night to let me know what's going on. He doesn't. After a couple days, I write him off as a lost cause. A week later, he texts me, all flirty again. He says that the only reason he didn't get in touch with me was because he was drinking that weekend, and he "didn't want to end up trying to immediately pick up where we left off." I asked him if he wanted to get together this weekend, and he made another excuse, but promises to call again soon. Is this guy interested? I figure if he wasn't, he wouldn't have got back in touch with me again. But if he is, why doesn't he want to meet up again? Please help. The male psyche is baffling.
VictorM's advice:
The male psyche is not baffling; it's quite simple in fact. In this case, boy meets girl, likes her enough to fool around and does. Says he'll call by [replace any day or time frame with "whenever" or maybe "never" but he'll just give you some time because we're a society driven by dates and times], then he goes about his life, drinking, partying, and having fun. You made some impression on him but clearly not one to make him rush to the altar, so on a given day he didn't call because [he forgot, didn't feel like, or had a better offer] but then realized he didn't want to burn any bridges with a girl that with a bit of alcohol puts out. So, he decides to call to make sure there's some contact, just in case he wants her later. So he promises to call by [replace any day or time frame with "whenever" or maybe "never" but he'll just give you some time because we're a society driven by dates and times], and the cycle starts all over again.
So is he interested? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he's not sure. Maybe he doesn't want to write you off yet but is not ready to be exclusive with you. He's trying out different people, going out with friends, enjoying his youth instead of sitting around waiting for one person and when that doesn't pan out, carry on life as a bitter individual.
Smart boy!
I recently met this guy at a friend's party. We had a great time talking together and hanging out. Things got a little crazier later on with more drinks. I left the party with him, we made out in his car for a while, but didn't take things as far as we could have. We traded numbers, and he texted me a couple times that night, saying he would visit me on campus as soon as he could. We plan to get together the next weekend, he says he'll call Friday night to let me know what's going on. He doesn't. After a couple days, I write him off as a lost cause. A week later, he texts me, all flirty again. He says that the only reason he didn't get in touch with me was because he was drinking that weekend, and he "didn't want to end up trying to immediately pick up where we left off." I asked him if he wanted to get together this weekend, and he made another excuse, but promises to call again soon. Is this guy interested? I figure if he wasn't, he wouldn't have got back in touch with me again. But if he is, why doesn't he want to meet up again? Please help. The male psyche is baffling.
VictorM's advice:
The male psyche is not baffling; it's quite simple in fact. In this case, boy meets girl, likes her enough to fool around and does. Says he'll call by [replace any day or time frame with "whenever" or maybe "never" but he'll just give you some time because we're a society driven by dates and times], then he goes about his life, drinking, partying, and having fun. You made some impression on him but clearly not one to make him rush to the altar, so on a given day he didn't call because [he forgot, didn't feel like, or had a better offer] but then realized he didn't want to burn any bridges with a girl that with a bit of alcohol puts out. So, he decides to call to make sure there's some contact, just in case he wants her later. So he promises to call by [replace any day or time frame with "whenever" or maybe "never" but he'll just give you some time because we're a society driven by dates and times], and the cycle starts all over again.
So is he interested? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he's not sure. Maybe he doesn't want to write you off yet but is not ready to be exclusive with you. He's trying out different people, going out with friends, enjoying his youth instead of sitting around waiting for one person and when that doesn't pan out, carry on life as a bitter individual.
Smart boy!
I recently started working in the nighclub/bar industry
Jane, 23, from NY, asks:
Hey Victor,
Maybe you can shed some light on my situation.
I recently started working in the nighclub/bar industry which is a fickle and sketchy industry to begin with. On top of that, I have a crush on my boss. I use to see him around when I use to party and over time I introduced myself and got to know him a bit more, and when I asked for a job he gave it to me the next day!
The problem is that he almost seems bipolar. He's always working (i.e. drinking with his buddies, patrons). Sometimes I try to talk to him and he'll just say "I'm working, I can't talk now" and leave. Other times he'll be very nice and tell me how nice I look and answer the 5 billion questions I have about what he does. On a string of these friendly days recently, he made it very clear that he likes me... at least if only on the sexual level... and we made out for a bit, after which he continued with his sexual innuendos which I kindly declined as always.
And now, all of a sudden, he seems to be in a pissy mood again for whatever reason. I asked him for a drink (referring to a bottle of water) the other night, and he basically barked at me that I shouldn't bother him while he's working and sent me off packing with his own water bottle, and just completely ignored me the whole night talking to some other girl instead! However, whenever I pass by him, he always gives me this look that if anything, lets me know that he's still very attracted to me. Needless to say, I was very disappointed after that, didn't bother with him and just left when I was done.
I'm asking what I should do because eventually he'll have one of his good days again and probably be very friendly again and maybe even try to come on to me. I do like him, but I refuse to be appreciated sometimes and yelled at other times so how do you I should approach the situation? Should I just be very professional and stay away or should I try to make my point and will it even go through? If he tries to come on to me, should I remind him how hard I work for him (work is VERY important to him) and want to be recognized for that instead of yelled at for asking for something? Should I tell him that I really enjoy his company when he's in a good mood, but not when he's pissy?
I recognize that this a very unreliable guy, but is there anything that I can do to turn this situation to my advantage? No matter how rich/fickle/famous the guys are, there are always stories of the incredible shrewed girl that caught them and I want that to be me in this situation! Or do you think this is a lost cause?
VictorM's advice:
Whether it's personal relationships or professional, you should always demand to be treated with respect at all times. Behave like a mat and people will walk all over you; put your foot down and either you'll get respect or realize you're better off somewhere else.
Maybe he's bipolar but maybe he's just used to dealing with spineless people who put up with his moods. Don't be one of those.
Hey Victor,
Maybe you can shed some light on my situation.
I recently started working in the nighclub/bar industry which is a fickle and sketchy industry to begin with. On top of that, I have a crush on my boss. I use to see him around when I use to party and over time I introduced myself and got to know him a bit more, and when I asked for a job he gave it to me the next day!
The problem is that he almost seems bipolar. He's always working (i.e. drinking with his buddies, patrons). Sometimes I try to talk to him and he'll just say "I'm working, I can't talk now" and leave. Other times he'll be very nice and tell me how nice I look and answer the 5 billion questions I have about what he does. On a string of these friendly days recently, he made it very clear that he likes me... at least if only on the sexual level... and we made out for a bit, after which he continued with his sexual innuendos which I kindly declined as always.
And now, all of a sudden, he seems to be in a pissy mood again for whatever reason. I asked him for a drink (referring to a bottle of water) the other night, and he basically barked at me that I shouldn't bother him while he's working and sent me off packing with his own water bottle, and just completely ignored me the whole night talking to some other girl instead! However, whenever I pass by him, he always gives me this look that if anything, lets me know that he's still very attracted to me. Needless to say, I was very disappointed after that, didn't bother with him and just left when I was done.
I'm asking what I should do because eventually he'll have one of his good days again and probably be very friendly again and maybe even try to come on to me. I do like him, but I refuse to be appreciated sometimes and yelled at other times so how do you I should approach the situation? Should I just be very professional and stay away or should I try to make my point and will it even go through? If he tries to come on to me, should I remind him how hard I work for him (work is VERY important to him) and want to be recognized for that instead of yelled at for asking for something? Should I tell him that I really enjoy his company when he's in a good mood, but not when he's pissy?
I recognize that this a very unreliable guy, but is there anything that I can do to turn this situation to my advantage? No matter how rich/fickle/famous the guys are, there are always stories of the incredible shrewed girl that caught them and I want that to be me in this situation! Or do you think this is a lost cause?
VictorM's advice:
Whether it's personal relationships or professional, you should always demand to be treated with respect at all times. Behave like a mat and people will walk all over you; put your foot down and either you'll get respect or realize you're better off somewhere else.
Maybe he's bipolar but maybe he's just used to dealing with spineless people who put up with his moods. Don't be one of those.
He won't talk to me
marijo, 15, from utah, asks:
I like this guy and I'm pretty sure he used to like me but now he won't talk to me. What does that mean?
VictorM's answer:
It means that he really likes you a lot more than he ever did before.
Well, it could also mean that he really doesn't like you anymore, but why be a pessimist?
I like this guy and I'm pretty sure he used to like me but now he won't talk to me. What does that mean?
VictorM's answer:
It means that he really likes you a lot more than he ever did before.
Well, it could also mean that he really doesn't like you anymore, but why be a pessimist?
He gets jealous because me and my ex still talk
carley, 15, from virginia, asks:
I'm dating a guy and his name is Aaron. He gets jealous because me and my ex still talk. I mean, we talk about the past but not ever about getting back together. Aaron keeps arguing with me about it, so I've been talking to my ex and he said that I should talk to Aaron about not getting so jealous, and that when he gets jealous it means that there is no trust in our relationship. And if there is no trust why should we have a relationship? What should I do? Should I give my ex another chance or stay with Aaron?
VictorM's advice:
You say you don't talk to your ex about getting back together but then you ask if you should give your ex another chance. That tells me that there's something still going on between you two, at least in your head.
Look, jealousy is not a good thing, but it sounds as if Aaron has every right not to trust you. Aaron confides in you and you ran to your ex to talk about it? Come on! You're not being fair to Aaron.
Who is more important to you, your ex or Aaron? Whichever of the two it is, keep him close and keep the other one at a distance. Mixing a current boyfriend and exes is generally a very bad idea.
I'm dating a guy and his name is Aaron. He gets jealous because me and my ex still talk. I mean, we talk about the past but not ever about getting back together. Aaron keeps arguing with me about it, so I've been talking to my ex and he said that I should talk to Aaron about not getting so jealous, and that when he gets jealous it means that there is no trust in our relationship. And if there is no trust why should we have a relationship? What should I do? Should I give my ex another chance or stay with Aaron?
VictorM's advice:
You say you don't talk to your ex about getting back together but then you ask if you should give your ex another chance. That tells me that there's something still going on between you two, at least in your head.
Look, jealousy is not a good thing, but it sounds as if Aaron has every right not to trust you. Aaron confides in you and you ran to your ex to talk about it? Come on! You're not being fair to Aaron.
Who is more important to you, your ex or Aaron? Whichever of the two it is, keep him close and keep the other one at a distance. Mixing a current boyfriend and exes is generally a very bad idea.
Sometimes I feel like I just have nothing to say
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
I love my boyfriend very much, we have been together for 2 years now but sometimes when we are sitting together I don't have anything to say to him, is this normal? I love spending time with him and going out to events and parties but sometimes I feel like I just have nothing to say. I see him 4 days a week so it's not like I'm bored or anything just... I don't know. Any ideas?
VictorM's advice:
How two people relate to each other can best be measured by how they share silence than by all the words in the world.
Having nothing to say at times is normal. As long as there's enough relating going on at other times, enjoy the silence together.
“Sharing silence with others is a profound act of trust, love, and courtesy. It is a mutual gift, a necessity, a helping hand, a path and a discipline.” -G. Norris
I love my boyfriend very much, we have been together for 2 years now but sometimes when we are sitting together I don't have anything to say to him, is this normal? I love spending time with him and going out to events and parties but sometimes I feel like I just have nothing to say. I see him 4 days a week so it's not like I'm bored or anything just... I don't know. Any ideas?
VictorM's advice:
How two people relate to each other can best be measured by how they share silence than by all the words in the world.
Having nothing to say at times is normal. As long as there's enough relating going on at other times, enjoy the silence together.
“Sharing silence with others is a profound act of trust, love, and courtesy. It is a mutual gift, a necessity, a helping hand, a path and a discipline.” -G. Norris
Boyfriend Stop Calling For Two Days
yolanda, 15, from maywood il, asks:
What Does It Mean If My Boyfriend Stop Calling For Two Days?
VictorM's advice:
It means that he ran out of minutes? That his mommy took away his phone? That he came to his senses and realized that guys don't like talking on the phone that much? That he can't remember your phone number because it was in memory and he went to Sea World to see the Shamu whale show and got so excited when the whale kissed the trainer and that patriotic music was playing that he started jumping up and down with the phone in his hand and it slipped off and went into the tank and Shamu ate it and choked and they had to take Shamu to the hospital and arrested him as a terrorist because he was trying to destroy the businesses of all amusement parks?
I don't know why he hasn't called you in two days. Why don't you call him and ask? And please let us know because I'd hate to think there's a killer whale suffering somewhere.
What Does It Mean If My Boyfriend Stop Calling For Two Days?
VictorM's advice:
It means that he ran out of minutes? That his mommy took away his phone? That he came to his senses and realized that guys don't like talking on the phone that much? That he can't remember your phone number because it was in memory and he went to Sea World to see the Shamu whale show and got so excited when the whale kissed the trainer and that patriotic music was playing that he started jumping up and down with the phone in his hand and it slipped off and went into the tank and Shamu ate it and choked and they had to take Shamu to the hospital and arrested him as a terrorist because he was trying to destroy the businesses of all amusement parks?
I don't know why he hasn't called you in two days. Why don't you call him and ask? And please let us know because I'd hate to think there's a killer whale suffering somewhere.
I still like my ex a lot
Shannon, 16, from Oklahoma, asks:
I've been going out with my boyfriend for 3 months. I just have one problem, I still like my ex a lot. I tried getting over it and then I stopped thinking about it and it never went away. We hang out with the same group of people so it's hard to stay away from him most of the time. I don't like having feelings for my ex more then my boyfriend because I care about him a lot. I am not sure how to get over it because it's been a while since we broke up. I want it out of the way so I can be happy again. How can I fix it?
VictorM's advice:
It's not uncommon to have those feelings for an ex and for those feelings to linger. But you are exes for a reason, and that reason probably didn't change. It takes time to get over someone you like, specially if you see him often.
It takes time to start building new memories with your new boyfriend. That's what needs to happen so that, over time, he plays a lesser role in your mind. So just continue doing things with your current boyfriend and going places with him.
We humans are capable of liking more than one person at once. That's what's happening to you. It's nothing to worry about, just something you have to deal with for a while.
I've been going out with my boyfriend for 3 months. I just have one problem, I still like my ex a lot. I tried getting over it and then I stopped thinking about it and it never went away. We hang out with the same group of people so it's hard to stay away from him most of the time. I don't like having feelings for my ex more then my boyfriend because I care about him a lot. I am not sure how to get over it because it's been a while since we broke up. I want it out of the way so I can be happy again. How can I fix it?
VictorM's advice:
It's not uncommon to have those feelings for an ex and for those feelings to linger. But you are exes for a reason, and that reason probably didn't change. It takes time to get over someone you like, specially if you see him often.
It takes time to start building new memories with your new boyfriend. That's what needs to happen so that, over time, he plays a lesser role in your mind. So just continue doing things with your current boyfriend and going places with him.
We humans are capable of liking more than one person at once. That's what's happening to you. It's nothing to worry about, just something you have to deal with for a while.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Too many "I love you"
Kaylee, 14, from Oregon, asks:
How do you tell your boyfriend, nicely, to not say "I love you" too much?
VictorM's advice:
Tell him if he says "I love you" again that you're going to drive a steak through his heart and then smash his mouth with a sledgehammer.
Oh wait... I didn't see the word "nicely" before... OK... never mind.
Tell him that you're flattered by his feelings for you but that you feel too much pressure by the use of "I love you" because it makes you feel like things are speeding up too much and you'd feel more comfortable taking things a little slower.
How do you tell your boyfriend, nicely, to not say "I love you" too much?
VictorM's advice:
Tell him if he says "I love you" again that you're going to drive a steak through his heart and then smash his mouth with a sledgehammer.
Oh wait... I didn't see the word "nicely" before... OK... never mind.
Tell him that you're flattered by his feelings for you but that you feel too much pressure by the use of "I love you" because it makes you feel like things are speeding up too much and you'd feel more comfortable taking things a little slower.
Is there reason for new boyfriend to be threatened?
Cindy, 49, from wisconsin, asks:
When you are going through a divorce and you are still friends with the person that you are divorcing, you have respect and children with this man that you are divorcing as you have been together for over 30 years. There is not physical attraction that you have for your soon to be ex. You have no intention of getting back together with your husband. I want the divorce. But he has strong feelings for you. You have made yourself perfectly clear that you do not want the marriage to continue and you do want the divorce. Is there reason for your new boyfriend to be threatened? He is very upset that I still communicate with my soon to be ex. Is this normal? And what do I do to let my new boyfriend realize that he is the only one I want to be with? Is he right to be upset with me and call our relationship a threesome?
VictorM's advice:
Does the expression "jump out from the frying pan into the fire" mean anything to you? Sure, some level of jealousy is not unusual, but this guy sounds over the top. Your new boyfriend has the maturity of a 4 year old. The "threesome" remark makes him sound like an insecure twit.
After over 30 years of marriage, maybe you should consider being a little pickier.
When you are going through a divorce and you are still friends with the person that you are divorcing, you have respect and children with this man that you are divorcing as you have been together for over 30 years. There is not physical attraction that you have for your soon to be ex. You have no intention of getting back together with your husband. I want the divorce. But he has strong feelings for you. You have made yourself perfectly clear that you do not want the marriage to continue and you do want the divorce. Is there reason for your new boyfriend to be threatened? He is very upset that I still communicate with my soon to be ex. Is this normal? And what do I do to let my new boyfriend realize that he is the only one I want to be with? Is he right to be upset with me and call our relationship a threesome?
VictorM's advice:
Does the expression "jump out from the frying pan into the fire" mean anything to you? Sure, some level of jealousy is not unusual, but this guy sounds over the top. Your new boyfriend has the maturity of a 4 year old. The "threesome" remark makes him sound like an insecure twit.
After over 30 years of marriage, maybe you should consider being a little pickier.
Will the boy ever become a man anytime soon?
ADA, 25, from CLEVELAND, asks:
I was recently in a relationship with a man 9years older then me. We both come from strong Italian families, and in fact is how we had met. We had the same beliefs and were both on the same page on settling down, and start making some little "bambinos" of our own. He explained how he wanted to marry a woman like his mother, or like his sister. We started going to church, and to this shrine to pray, and he was starting to change in a good way, because he was/is very wild. Again we were only dating a month. He was the one who constantly would bring up marriage, and we even looked at houses together. He mentioned how he needs a really nice girl to keep him "in check" because all the others are the same, and they are hard to find. Now, during our period together, his phone would ring non stop, and girls would call, and his ex- would chase him, and I even found some dirty, and (I mean filthy) underwear) in his bathroom. He lives in an up, and down double which he owns, along with other properties too. He said it was the girl from upstairs, who used the shower. Now her friend was his last fling. I feel those girls planted that there to mess with my mind. Now I sure wasn't having sex with him, because I told him how I wanted to wait until we were engaged. He was ok with that, and even said "I never had to work for a girl because within 2 weeks they always put out for me", but I know I was that challenge for him. Yes we would argue, because I felt I couldn't trust him. He likes to party a lot. Now at 34 there's a time to grow up. Right? His friends are all married, with kids etc. Then during the break up which I played off as mutual feelings too, he kept saying "I just don't think I make you happy", "I don't think I want a girl that thinks like my family." "Let's date but not as exclusive"... And that I have trust issues because the underwear shouldn't have bothered me? I haven't heard from him since then. No texting, calling, emailing etc. and he would always call, text, or email. I will not chase, I want to be chased!!!!!!! It has been 3 weeks. I told him I was going to "kit" to hang out, but i still haven't. He has also been very distant from his family, and that was not him at all. He hasn't been there in one week. And then when he appears he just says he's got to go. He was extremely into family, especially his nephews. We would always end up there after we would go out. I feel he really wanted to change but his "frat house" / open door policy influences brought him down. I also think when he got a taste of what it's going to be like to settle down he just wasn't ready yet. He told me "I need to finish getting this out of my system, because I know things are going to change when we have children" What do I do? I don't want to call, and haven't because every girl has chased him back. I want to be the challenge, the different one, but am I in his eyes? Is he ever going to call? (Both of our families are just shocked, and very hurt) What do you suggest? Will the boy ever become a man anytime soon?
VictorM's advice:
His partying is not the reason he's not calling. The reason is that he's not into you anymore. He started with much intensity but it burned out. It happens. He was pretty clear about it when he said he didn't want a girl like his family and didn't want to be exclusive with you. That right there is the kiss of death, relationship wise.
He's not ready to settle down. Not with you, not with anyone else. And your families should mind their own business because this is just between you and him.
You should start looking for someone else to be the father of your banbinos because this one isn't going to be it.
I was recently in a relationship with a man 9years older then me. We both come from strong Italian families, and in fact is how we had met. We had the same beliefs and were both on the same page on settling down, and start making some little "bambinos" of our own. He explained how he wanted to marry a woman like his mother, or like his sister. We started going to church, and to this shrine to pray, and he was starting to change in a good way, because he was/is very wild. Again we were only dating a month. He was the one who constantly would bring up marriage, and we even looked at houses together. He mentioned how he needs a really nice girl to keep him "in check" because all the others are the same, and they are hard to find. Now, during our period together, his phone would ring non stop, and girls would call, and his ex- would chase him, and I even found some dirty, and (I mean filthy) underwear) in his bathroom. He lives in an up, and down double which he owns, along with other properties too. He said it was the girl from upstairs, who used the shower. Now her friend was his last fling. I feel those girls planted that there to mess with my mind. Now I sure wasn't having sex with him, because I told him how I wanted to wait until we were engaged. He was ok with that, and even said "I never had to work for a girl because within 2 weeks they always put out for me", but I know I was that challenge for him. Yes we would argue, because I felt I couldn't trust him. He likes to party a lot. Now at 34 there's a time to grow up. Right? His friends are all married, with kids etc. Then during the break up which I played off as mutual feelings too, he kept saying "I just don't think I make you happy", "I don't think I want a girl that thinks like my family." "Let's date but not as exclusive"... And that I have trust issues because the underwear shouldn't have bothered me? I haven't heard from him since then. No texting, calling, emailing etc. and he would always call, text, or email. I will not chase, I want to be chased!!!!!!! It has been 3 weeks. I told him I was going to "kit" to hang out, but i still haven't. He has also been very distant from his family, and that was not him at all. He hasn't been there in one week. And then when he appears he just says he's got to go. He was extremely into family, especially his nephews. We would always end up there after we would go out. I feel he really wanted to change but his "frat house" / open door policy influences brought him down. I also think when he got a taste of what it's going to be like to settle down he just wasn't ready yet. He told me "I need to finish getting this out of my system, because I know things are going to change when we have children" What do I do? I don't want to call, and haven't because every girl has chased him back. I want to be the challenge, the different one, but am I in his eyes? Is he ever going to call? (Both of our families are just shocked, and very hurt) What do you suggest? Will the boy ever become a man anytime soon?
VictorM's advice:
His partying is not the reason he's not calling. The reason is that he's not into you anymore. He started with much intensity but it burned out. It happens. He was pretty clear about it when he said he didn't want a girl like his family and didn't want to be exclusive with you. That right there is the kiss of death, relationship wise.
He's not ready to settle down. Not with you, not with anyone else. And your families should mind their own business because this is just between you and him.
You should start looking for someone else to be the father of your banbinos because this one isn't going to be it.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
We recently slept together
Shona, 22, from Atlanta, asks:
I have been talking to this guy for about 1.5 months. He has mentioned many times how beautiful I am and that he likes me. We recently slept together and the frequency of his calls has changed since that night (they are much less). He used to call at least four times a day, now its maybe once. What happened?
VictorM's answer:
"Mission Accomplished" happened. He was after something and he go it.
Developing a relationship with you is not his goal.
I have been talking to this guy for about 1.5 months. He has mentioned many times how beautiful I am and that he likes me. We recently slept together and the frequency of his calls has changed since that night (they are much less). He used to call at least four times a day, now its maybe once. What happened?
VictorM's answer:
"Mission Accomplished" happened. He was after something and he go it.
Developing a relationship with you is not his goal.
First it was just for sex
Lu, 35, from Wyoming, asks:
I have been seeing this guy for 1 year. First it was just for sex. In the past couple of months I have been spending just about every weekend with him. He is known around town to be a player. He has been with just me for about the last 5 months. It seems like he likes me but I am confused by some of his actions. We barely talk during the week - I do have 3 kids. It seems like I call him a lot more for us to get together then he does. He seems to like my company and all his friends say he hasn't acted like that in a long time. But he, in my opinion, doesn't communicate with me at all about how he feels about me. Seems like he is more open to other women. He does things little things for me like opens my drink and makes sure I am ok, but he doesn't seem to be interested in sex except when he is drunk. The sex is great for both of us. And then sometimes he makes me feel like he isn't interested in me at all, but when I haven't seen him he seems so excited to see me. We spend time together on his boat and hanging out and he makes future plans to do things. I am confused as to whether he really likes me. Or what the hell this guy is thinking. I adore him, and like the slow pace of this relationship but I feel like I am waiting every week to see if it will last another weekend. Lu
VictorM's advice:
Dismiss his lack of calling as having anything to do with his feelings; do not dismiss it as something for you to consider when deciding if he's someone you can live with.
How do you know the sex is great for both of you? I can understand you speaking for yourself, but why are you speaking for him? Don't think you if sex was so great for him he'd want it more often and wouldn't have to get drunk?
So anyway, let's see... he doesn't communicate with you about his feelings, he's a player and more open with other women (whatever that means), he doesn't initiate spending time with you, he's only interested in sex when he's drunk, and well, he gets drunk. Are things so rough in Wyoming that men who offer better possibilities are so hard to come by? Are you not bothered by the drinking?
You shouldn't be wondering what the hell he's thinking; you should be worried that maybe you're not doing enough of it yourself!
That ought to be a rule that women who get involved with men who can't function unless they are drunk should get their 'happiness card' revoked. Oh wait... it already works that way. Never mind.
I have been seeing this guy for 1 year. First it was just for sex. In the past couple of months I have been spending just about every weekend with him. He is known around town to be a player. He has been with just me for about the last 5 months. It seems like he likes me but I am confused by some of his actions. We barely talk during the week - I do have 3 kids. It seems like I call him a lot more for us to get together then he does. He seems to like my company and all his friends say he hasn't acted like that in a long time. But he, in my opinion, doesn't communicate with me at all about how he feels about me. Seems like he is more open to other women. He does things little things for me like opens my drink and makes sure I am ok, but he doesn't seem to be interested in sex except when he is drunk. The sex is great for both of us. And then sometimes he makes me feel like he isn't interested in me at all, but when I haven't seen him he seems so excited to see me. We spend time together on his boat and hanging out and he makes future plans to do things. I am confused as to whether he really likes me. Or what the hell this guy is thinking. I adore him, and like the slow pace of this relationship but I feel like I am waiting every week to see if it will last another weekend. Lu
VictorM's advice:
Dismiss his lack of calling as having anything to do with his feelings; do not dismiss it as something for you to consider when deciding if he's someone you can live with.
How do you know the sex is great for both of you? I can understand you speaking for yourself, but why are you speaking for him? Don't think you if sex was so great for him he'd want it more often and wouldn't have to get drunk?
So anyway, let's see... he doesn't communicate with you about his feelings, he's a player and more open with other women (whatever that means), he doesn't initiate spending time with you, he's only interested in sex when he's drunk, and well, he gets drunk. Are things so rough in Wyoming that men who offer better possibilities are so hard to come by? Are you not bothered by the drinking?
You shouldn't be wondering what the hell he's thinking; you should be worried that maybe you're not doing enough of it yourself!
That ought to be a rule that women who get involved with men who can't function unless they are drunk should get their 'happiness card' revoked. Oh wait... it already works that way. Never mind.
Everything is really great...except
Toni, 25, from PA, asks:
What does he mean?
Back in December a guy I had met through friends asked me if I wanted to start a band, as he plays guitar and I sing and am learning guitar. It was just an acoustic thing to play locally.
We started practicing a lot and became great friends, writing songs, we had the same group of friends so we were together a lot. Finally it got to the point where we were spending days on end together and not even realizing it (while obviously all of our friends did). He started doing cute little things like kissing me when we were out and holding my hand between bars. About two months ago he finally asked me "out". Nothing has changed, actually only gotten better, now the band is just another one of the great things we do together. We see each other every day, he usually stays at my place and I will stay with him once or twice a week.
He asked to have his parents over to my house. He introduces me to all of his friends, doesn't deny that we are together, but keeps saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship... ok this confuses me because he (...keep in mind, it's usually when he's drunk, he's not one for expressing himself)... says that he thinks people are jealous of what we have and how great we are together, that we spend so much time together and hardly ever disagree. We have a couple of "couple" friends we go places with, like for a weekend, and are actually talking about going on a cruise in 6 months. He has a 9 month old little girl that he wants me there every time he gets her.
Everything is really great...except... He's not affectionate to me at all. We have only ever had sex 2 times and we were both so drunk we barely remember. He lets me be affectionate to him, rub his shoulders, play with his hair, I'll give him a kiss on the cheek goodbye in the morning. But outside of that there is nothing anymore, not even the cute kisses and hand holding from a couple months ago. He has also made remarks that he doesn't care if he ever has sex again...weird thing to say, I think.
He says he loves that he can be himself with me, which I am really glad for. Yesterday he texted me and told me I am "seriously the best". And I recently found out he told a mutual friend the other weekend when we were away that he "could fall in love with me". So you see... I am getting all these mixed signals and I just don't even know where to go. Do I just keep waiting it out for him to figure out whatever is going on in his head (is he scared?) or is this the way it's gonna be? How do I get him to express himself without scaring him? I don't want to pressure him at all... I just wish he was at least affectionate or something to show me that he cares... I guess I'm just confused with the mixed signals. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Mixed signals? Where? When? I don't see them. His signals have not been mixed at all, they just clash with your expectations and what you would like to happen, but he has been very clear with you.
You're someone he likes, someone he would even like to fall in love with, but it just hasn't happened. Initially he confused liking your company with liking you romantically then realized the difference, hence the hand holding then and the lack of affection now. But he still likes you as a person as evidenced by the "seriously the best" comment (perhaps as in best person, best friend, best partner).
Get out of your head that you have a romantic relationship with him -- you do not. You have a friendship (with benefits when he gets drunk but that's not even something he's looking for) and a musical partnership. Treat it as such.
What does he mean?
Back in December a guy I had met through friends asked me if I wanted to start a band, as he plays guitar and I sing and am learning guitar. It was just an acoustic thing to play locally.
We started practicing a lot and became great friends, writing songs, we had the same group of friends so we were together a lot. Finally it got to the point where we were spending days on end together and not even realizing it (while obviously all of our friends did). He started doing cute little things like kissing me when we were out and holding my hand between bars. About two months ago he finally asked me "out". Nothing has changed, actually only gotten better, now the band is just another one of the great things we do together. We see each other every day, he usually stays at my place and I will stay with him once or twice a week.
He asked to have his parents over to my house. He introduces me to all of his friends, doesn't deny that we are together, but keeps saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship... ok this confuses me because he (...keep in mind, it's usually when he's drunk, he's not one for expressing himself)... says that he thinks people are jealous of what we have and how great we are together, that we spend so much time together and hardly ever disagree. We have a couple of "couple" friends we go places with, like for a weekend, and are actually talking about going on a cruise in 6 months. He has a 9 month old little girl that he wants me there every time he gets her.
Everything is really great...except... He's not affectionate to me at all. We have only ever had sex 2 times and we were both so drunk we barely remember. He lets me be affectionate to him, rub his shoulders, play with his hair, I'll give him a kiss on the cheek goodbye in the morning. But outside of that there is nothing anymore, not even the cute kisses and hand holding from a couple months ago. He has also made remarks that he doesn't care if he ever has sex again...weird thing to say, I think.
He says he loves that he can be himself with me, which I am really glad for. Yesterday he texted me and told me I am "seriously the best". And I recently found out he told a mutual friend the other weekend when we were away that he "could fall in love with me". So you see... I am getting all these mixed signals and I just don't even know where to go. Do I just keep waiting it out for him to figure out whatever is going on in his head (is he scared?) or is this the way it's gonna be? How do I get him to express himself without scaring him? I don't want to pressure him at all... I just wish he was at least affectionate or something to show me that he cares... I guess I'm just confused with the mixed signals. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Mixed signals? Where? When? I don't see them. His signals have not been mixed at all, they just clash with your expectations and what you would like to happen, but he has been very clear with you.
You're someone he likes, someone he would even like to fall in love with, but it just hasn't happened. Initially he confused liking your company with liking you romantically then realized the difference, hence the hand holding then and the lack of affection now. But he still likes you as a person as evidenced by the "seriously the best" comment (perhaps as in best person, best friend, best partner).
Get out of your head that you have a romantic relationship with him -- you do not. You have a friendship (with benefits when he gets drunk but that's not even something he's looking for) and a musical partnership. Treat it as such.
I don't really know how to have that talk
Mariana, 22, from Argentina, asks:
I've been seeing this guy for almost two months and we are exclusive and see each other so often... the thing is: I would like to get serious with him but I don't really know how to have that talk. I've never been the one to start this kind of talk before... so (to be honest) I don't want to have it but I just can't understand why is that he asks to see me this much, he told his mother he's dating me (she now knows what I do, what I look like, blabla), he doesn't want to date anyone else, he says things such as "you would get along with my sister" or "my brother liked you" and we're still not serious or whatever. He's 23 and still is a bit immature (not that I am Ms. maturity or that being 23 is a reason for not wanting to get serious with me). Anyway, I hope you come up with something! Oh, just a quick profile: I'm the girl you would call to set up an operating system on your PC or the girl who would give love advice to her friends but NEVER knows how to behave in her own love life. It just sucks :S
Follow up:
Mariana, 22, from Argentina, says:
Don't mind my previous question =) Turns out he already thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend...
VictorM's comment:
Females... *shakes head*... so complicated, so impatient. :-p
All kidding aside, I'm glad it turned out that way. Best of luck to you, Mariana.
I've been seeing this guy for almost two months and we are exclusive and see each other so often... the thing is: I would like to get serious with him but I don't really know how to have that talk. I've never been the one to start this kind of talk before... so (to be honest) I don't want to have it but I just can't understand why is that he asks to see me this much, he told his mother he's dating me (she now knows what I do, what I look like, blabla), he doesn't want to date anyone else, he says things such as "you would get along with my sister" or "my brother liked you" and we're still not serious or whatever. He's 23 and still is a bit immature (not that I am Ms. maturity or that being 23 is a reason for not wanting to get serious with me). Anyway, I hope you come up with something! Oh, just a quick profile: I'm the girl you would call to set up an operating system on your PC or the girl who would give love advice to her friends but NEVER knows how to behave in her own love life. It just sucks :S
Follow up:
Mariana, 22, from Argentina, says:
Don't mind my previous question =) Turns out he already thought we were boyfriend and girlfriend...
VictorM's comment:
Females... *shakes head*... so complicated, so impatient. :-p
All kidding aside, I'm glad it turned out that way. Best of luck to you, Mariana.
Catching up
I went away for a long weekend and didn't have a change to address your submissions. I just got back and have quite a few on file. I will get to them over the next day or two.
