lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:

I have got back together with my ex fiancee. We broke up over his financial issues and the fact he has loads of debt and couldn't committ. I went on holiday with my friend and met an old flame who I stopped seeing years ago because I wasn't ready for a relationship but we had a ball on holiday and kissed just once. He has a girlfriend and lives an hour away. We are in a situation where he's asking to meet up and if there's a spark we should break up with our other halves. I love my ex fiancee but he isn't man enough and is still immature as he never has any money to do things and I'm bored. This new guy treated me well on holiday and made it clear he will treat me right. He is also my brother-in-law's cousin so I know he's not a creep! Do you think that's unfair on my ex fiencee? Am I making a mistake breaking up because he's in trouble?

VictorM's advice:

I think you should break up with your current boyfriend. I see nothing unfair about you feeling that he doesn't measure up and that you want to try someone else. And no, it's not a mistake; staying stuck is a mistake.

maryann, 38, from warren, michigan, asks:

I need to know if this man at my work likes me. I think he is giving me hints, but I'm not sure. He let me know over a phone conversation that he waved to me leaving work, but I didn't see. Did he say this to me to let me know he noticed me? He always visits me in my department, with much eye contact. I also told him I felt like a caged bird (bad relationship) and I need out, he winked and smiled and said I need to open the door so I can be happy. What do you think, is this guy into me? thanks

VictorM's advice:

He might very well be into you, but I don't think what you told me is enough to confirm that.

Being at work 8 hours a day forces people to find things to entertain themselves with. Sometimes a coworker provides enough reason to make the hours in the day go by quicker. He may like you but that doesn't mean he likes you as more than just a boredom buster.

Anonymous asks:

I'm a newly married woman concerned about my husband's erectile dysfunction, if that's the problem he has because he has been into some medical condition(taking some meds for his heart prob and kidney) that may have affected his erection. Even if I gave him oral sex I just ended up tired to do it more. Just couldn't do it longer because it stopped getting hard. Also, a few times felt disappointed because he didn't come, never not only once, even if we made love for more than an hour. I don't want to complain always, but as I've told him it would be more satisfying/gratifying for me if I've felt or seen him cum. I asked him why, but he said there wasn't even too much pressure to make him cum. He said when he masturbates he does. I don't know how can I satisfy him if he doesn't come. Please help, what could be possibly wrong? It makes me feel inferior that he just didn't think I'm desirable or just worried that I would get pregnant right away. Just seems odd if that's the only reason.

VictorM's advice:

Too bad you didn't give me your age, how long you two have been having sex, and if the sexual problems you describe are new.

Even without that, there's a few things to consider:

- If he has medical conditions that cause the ED, seeing a doctor and getting a prescription for Viagra or Levrita could alleviate that situation. Seeing a doctor about it should be the first thing he does. It's not uncommon for guys to have a problem early in a relationship. If you just started having sex, the ED could go away once he feels more comfortable. But for now, he could get help from drugs.
- The stress of a new partner can also cause some men to ejaculate too quickly or take too long. In either case, time and familiarity with each other will ease that situation. So give it time.
- If he ejaculates when he masturbates, then make that part of your love making. After you play with each other, let him masturbate himself to a climax. Hold your hand over his, learn how firm his grip his, the tempo of his strokes, and you'll get a better sense of what works for him. This can be quite an intimate and sexually gratifying experience for both of you. Make it part of your sex live instead of looking at it as if it's a negative.
- Don't feel like you have to make him ejaculate with oral sex. Lots of men don't! During love-making it's something you do for a while but don't do it till your jaw drops. Variation is best. Try other things, alternate, experiment... make it a little adventure together to see what works. It can be fun if you can relax and laugh about it. Sex doesn't have to be all serious all the time.
- Above all... STOP THINKING YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!!! Not only is this not the case, but you're bringing more stress upon him and yourself by thinking that way. Do you really think he married you because he didn't find you attractive? Come on! Get real! There are very physical issues at play with sex, and not every couple gets going on all cylinders from the get go. It takes time and effort to relax and work out the kinks.

What you need most of all is to relax! RELAX! Close your eyes, lay back, touch each other... kiss, lick, hug, feel, nibble... take.your.time! Forget ejaculating. Forget climaxing. Just enjoy being with each other, naked, raw, with no pressure. Make it fun. The rest will come (pun intended)!

Kimmy, 15, asks:

Do guys like it when their girlfriends have a special name for them, like my boo, babe or anything like that other than their name? I want to call him something... but I don't know if he wants me to call him any other names or if he likes it, what do you think?

My boyfriend called me babe once for the first time! And I'm wondering what made him call me that? Do you know, Victor?

VictorM's answer:

Calling you "babe" means he feels closer to you. It also means he's receptive to you using your own term of endearment for him. But the best thing to do is to ask him. Use the name and then say, "do you mind if I call you that?" Presto! It's that simple.

One thing: check with him if it's OK to use that name in front of his friends. Guys can really tear a friend apart over such things. Don't do it unless he says it's OK.

Boo?!? *giggles*

marr, 18, from pos, asks:

I like this guy and he liked me back only until his lost long love re entered his life...then I became nothing. She gives him real trouble. She uses him and treats him bad. Why does he stay with her? I like him so much. What to doo? How do I make him like me?

VictorM's advice:

Your view of her treatment of him may be accurate, it may not be, but it doesn't matter. She's the one that poses a challenge to him, she's the one that gets his juices going. So he wants her back, for now.

Quite often, however, as appealing as she was to him before, that might not be so now, specially after he has met you. He was tempted to go back to her as a way of healing his wounded ego, but he may find he's over her and come after you. If he does, you'll be better off that he got her off his system.

You should respect his decision to give her a try and meanwhile, continue to be pleasant and nice to him. The last thing you should do is badmouth her and his decision. And start dating other guys. Do not wait for him. You'd be surprised how much more appealing you will be when you're with another guy. Maybe then he will recognize he has feelings for you. If he does at all.

Lacey, 17, from MA, asks:

I started talking to a guy on Facebook. He seemed really interesting and he knows one of my friends who assured me that he goes to her school and he's a nice guy etc. We talked for about a week and finally decided to meet. We went for ice cream and he seemed really interested. He got a call from a friend saying he got into a car accident or something, so he dropped me off and went over to his friend. He told me that he is taking the weekend off and that we will definitely hang out. It's saturday and still no call. I was feeling couragous so I called him, and he told me he was going to a bbq and if he gets out early he'll call. I don't know what to expect. In general, if I meet a guy am I allowed to contact him if I don't hear from him first? And are there any tips on how I should behave to get a guy I'm interested in to call me? Because this isn't the first time I have felt someone was fairly interested in me and I never got a 2nd date call. I'm not sure if this will help, but usually guys I'm not that interested in always call me.

VictorM's advice:

Yeah, I know the refrain: show too much interest and they take you for granted. You're not alone; it happens quite often.

Guys like to chase girls. They find it more fun if she's a conquest. Make it too easy and the guy looks for another who poses a challenge. Come across as aloof and... they want you.

Why do you think the expression "play hard to get" is used?

So should you be allowed to contact him? Of course! Is it wise to do it? That's a different story. You should at least refrain from showing too much interest. Let him chase you. And if he doesn't? That means he's not as interested in you as you are in him. Should you walk away from a guy you really like? No. You could encourage him but in such as a way as to keep your interest in him a mystery.

Angie, 29, from Trenton, asks:

My boyfriend of 20 months spends less and less time around me and doesn't call as often. He used to plan our activities and come around all of the time. Recently, I had to take the initiative to plan our time together because nothing was happening. He is receptive to my plans but I don't know how the roles changed. I don't want to always initiate things. If I don't call, don't come around and don't plan things, we don't have quality time together. I want things the way they were in the beginning.

VictorM's advice:

Yours is the most common complaint I hear from women. Men get lazy once they feel secure in a relationship.

You can either find a new boyfriend -- and start the same cycle all over again in a few months -- or you can remove the security from this relationship. As long as he feels you won't dump him, won't go out with your friends, can't do things by yourself, he has you by the balls. You have to be able to lose him to win back his drive to be more attentive. Could you drive him away by taking such actions? Sure. Would it be a big loss? Your answer will determine his future behavior. You have more control over it than you think.

In the beginning he was trying to win you over. You have to make him feel that he needs to do that again. Nagging him over what he should do won't work. You're wasting your energy and all you're doing is making him the center of your life. The last thing a guy wants his indifference. So go out with your girlfriends. Dress sexier even when you're not with him. Go out by yourself to do things you like even if he doesn't want to come along. Tell him what a wonderful time you had. Pay him little to no attention when he doesn't do things with or for you, and make sure you reward him when he does.

Men are like puppies. Train him.

michelle, 23, from england, asks:

I am very good friends with a guy from work. He recently split from his wife after cheating on her. Soon after we started seeing each other, we got on really well and had a good time. Soon after this he told me he only wanted to be friends as he could never see us as a couple even though he said he really likes me and misses me a lot. I have seen him since and things have continued to happen between us even though he only wants to be friends. I know he is still confused and upset from what he did to his wife and family but I have fallen for him and I don't know what to do or what he is thinking, please help.

VictorM's advice:

Be just a friend and keep a little distance until he sorts things out with his wife. It's better for him and it's better for you if you remain friends for now. The last thing you want is to get further involved with a guy who is still "confused and upset" about his wife. She might take him back. Even if he's not in love with her, he'll most likely want a different ending to the relationship first before he jumps on to someone else.

I don't know what you mean by "things have continued to happen between us" but you're setting yourself up for disappointment. There's a good chance that you're just his comfort friend. Like ice cream after a bad day.

Katelin, 21, from Texas, asks:

My guy friend, which I am really close with, met my mom and she said that all he did was mainly talk about me and my good qualities. They were suppose to be talking about her and working out. Now my mom is saying things like he likes me. What gives, I never thought he would like me. Does he?

VictorM's advice:

Maybe he does like you romantically but maybe not. He doesn't have to be in love with you to recognize your qualities, specially when talking to your mother. So don't jump to conclusions.

What gives is your mother may be reading more into it than there is. But of course, maybe she's not. Either way, I don't know why you'd think he would never like you. Good friendships often turn into great relationships.

Don't assume anything, open your eyes, and who knows... like Marc Anthony's song says:

All the while you were in front of me I never realized
I just can't believe I didn't see it in your eyes
I didn't see it, I can't believe it
Oh but I feel it

Roseann, 24, from AOL, asks:

I've been going out with this guy about three times know, everytime we go out he always pays for me, seems interested, he held my hand and put his arm around me. He's not good with the phone though but we keep contact on aim. He asked me out twice as a double date kind of thing but only went out alone together once and I asked. I met him through an old girlfriend of mine who he knows very well cause it's her boyfriend's brother. She went ahead and asked him if he kissed me yet and he responded he's working his way up there but he wants to take things slow. I'm saying to myself he probably is not interested and didn't know what to say. So I'm like, what is that suppose to mean? I like him very much and he seems different and understanding compared to most guys I've dated. He's definitely worth a shot and we have and awesome connection when we hangout. I'm willing to take things slow I just hope he goes foward instead of reverse.

VictorM's advice:

Of course he could lose interest at any time, but it is also most common for guys to want to go slowly before they get too involved and realize that you're not what they wanted. Sounds like this guy is going about it with that in mind.

The problem is that what girls and guys thinking of "going slow" differs quite a bit. The mere fact that after only 3 dates, only one of which alone and no kissing yet, you are writing to me wondering already what he might be thinking shows that as much as you say you're willing to go slow, you probably are not. Not in a guy's time frame anyway. I don't mean to say that I doubt your sincerity; I just mean your definition of slow is totally different than most guys.

Shae, 19, from NC, asks:

I have been in relationship with a guy for 3 1/2 years and we have a child together, she will be one in September. The other day he told me that he looks at other women (which isn't that big of a deal because if he didn't we would have a problem) but he said he also has the urge to talk to other women. He said he's never actually talked to any but he has the urge to. He also says he wants to be with me and he loves me but doesn't know how to stop the urge. What does this mean?

VictorM's advice:

It's not very clear to me what you mean by "talk to other women," but unless there's more to that expression that I'm not getting, it means he's a normal guy. You didn't say he's interested in seeing, dating, or having sex with other women, you said "talk".

Talk about what? Why doesn't he talk to them now? Don't you two have female friends? Does he have female coworkers?

Maybe you could write back and be a little more specific about what this talking to other women really means.

Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:

Hey VictorM,

My crush Matt found out I like him, and he told his gal pal, Taylor (she’s my friend too) that he doesn’t really mind that I like him. I hung out with him and his friends and my friends yesterday night at the pool and he didn’t act any different than usual. We don’t talk a lot (actually, almost not at all—but don’t ridicule me for that!), and I’ve only just started hanging out around him a week or so ago. I overreact sometimes, and I feel like he hates me, even though Taylor says he really doesn’t care. What should I do to get him to warm up to me? I don’t really know if I want him as a boyfriend, but it would be great to get to know him. Should I do something or just let it go? What will impress him without making everything more awkward than it is? I'm good at flirting with guys, but with Matt I'm at a loss. HELP!!!

VictorM's advice:

Ahhh Kate, so many boys, so little time. :)

I'm not so sure flirting would work too well with Matt. Since you know Taylor, find out from her what Matt is into the most (like a certain video game, sport, music, etc.) and when you talk to him ask him to explain something about that which he knows a lot. Boys love to show off to girls. Even shy guys can turn into motor mouths if they are talking about something they know a lot about. And they love being around people who show interest in what they like.

Also, pay him "sss" compliments. That is, short, sincere, and subtle. Things like "Thanks Matt, you made it so clear," or "wow Matt, you know so much." By the way, a little tip: try to use the word "so" into your compliments. "You're so smart" works better than "You're smart". "That shirt looks so good on you"... the "so" adds more sizzle. Of course, follow it with a smile.

Maybe I should call it "sssss" compliments: short, sincere, subtle, with sizzle and a smile.

Now go get him -- you so can do it Kate, because you are so irresistible. :)

Jane, 14, asks:

What would guys like to be called? Would they like to be called Hot? Handsome? Sexy? or others?

VictorM's advice:

Most guys like being called god. As in "oh god, yessss! yessss!!!"

Seriously, guys seldom get the compliments that girls do, so any of those words are fine, particularly in your age group. I think the word most commonly used at older ages is "handsome". It implies not only good physical looks but also a sense of style.

You could also try "a hunk, a hunk of burning love". That one works for me. :)

Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:

Hey Victor,

My baby will be due in less than two weeks’ time. My ex didn’t really get involve in the pregnancy. He didn’t go to ante natal class, parenting class, ultra sound scan or see the midwife with me. We only have a few phone calls since I moved out.

There is one thing keep bugging me. He owns me money for nearly a year. Every month he said he would pay me back when he gets pay, but nothing happens. He broke up with me and made me moved out; at the time he knew I didn’t have any saving of my own. I stayed at friends’ parents’ house for a few weeks to save money for moving out. Now he is still bushing me that he will return me money and he knows I will go on unpaid maternity leave from next week. He and his new girl friend live in the house, which I paid for the bond (under his name; this is different from the 1 year debt). One thing he did good for me is that he let to use his car (possible equal the bond value). I feel this is very unfair to me. I know I can take some legal action to get my money back, although now I have saved enough money for the maternity leave. I concern if I do take him to court, he will hate me obviously, and then this may affect his relationship with baby…What should I do that I can feel fair and it will not affect baby?

In addition, he promised he will share half of the baby costs. He didn’t give me any money so far. He did get baby some stuff. Here I can get child support money from him through the tax man. We haven’t discussed anything. Money is something he doesn’t like to talk about, even when we lived together. I can foresee if I ask him money directly. He might tell me he will pay and pay nothing at end of the day. But again, he said before he hates the tax man things. And I don’t want this to affect the baby and his relationship.

I don’t have family in this country. He always said he love the baby. He has a big family. If he bring baby to his family, baby will have grandpa, grandma, aunties, uncles and many cousins. I had met his family a few times; they were all very nice to me. But I haven’t met them since I got pregnant. They haven’t approached me so far. Someone suggested I should contact them directly once I have baby. What do you think?

VictorM's advice:

Good to hear from you.

Since you have met his family I see nothing wrong with informing them of the birth of the child. I'm not sure what your goal is, but the money situation is between you and him, not you and his family. So keep them out of that.

Walnut, you so want what's best for your child that you're allowing yourself to be manipulated. Look, you can't buy his love for the child. You can't be walking on eggs when you deal with him because you think he won't care for the baby. If his "love" for the baby is so superficial, believe me, it won't help your child. I can understand you wanting him to love the child, but that shouldn't change whether you take him to court or not for getting your money back.

Now, depending on the amount of money he owes you, you may want to consider it a loss and stop dwelling on it. But if the amount of money is significant, go to court. In any case, you should go to court for the child support. He has to live up to his obligations as the father. Do not accept just his word! He has already demonstrated he can't be trusted.

Walnut, think hard about this: is your willingness to accept his word because you think it's what's best for the baby or is it that you don't want to do anything that will get him mad at you? It wouldn't be uncommon for someone in your situation to just have a reason to be in personal contact with him all the time and calling him about money gives you that reason.

In any case, get the child support payments legalized.

Erica, 27, from San Diego, CA, asks:

I am 27 and engaged to a great man who is 30. We are getting married next year and I couldn't be happier. My question is about the differences in the genders when it comes to masturbation. Do you think that men and women do it for different reasons? I used to quite regularly until about 7 months ago when HE proposed that we both make a pact to stop and focus our energies and attention on each other. This is in addition to religious reasons on his part, as he is a devout Catholic and tries very hard to "play by the rules". I agreed and have been very successful although it has been difficult for me, as it was something I had done regularly for years. I have not slipped once *knock on wood*. He however slips up about once a week and tells me about it. I appreciate his honesty, but I'm wondering why it's so much more difficult for him than it is for me. We have a very active love life (at least 7x week).

He says that it happens when he's stressed about work (he works from home) and for him, doing it is like hitting the reset button. When he's very stressed or frustrated or feeling overwhelmed, he'll give in. He said that it's not even necessarily a sexual thing. He also uses porn, which wouldn't normally bother me because we used to use it together, but now I find that it's making me feel inadequate. I am frustrated that he expects me to abide by this pact (that was HIS idea to begin with) but he cannot stick with it himself. I even proposed just throwing the whole pact thing out the window and just going back to the way things were (where it was a regular occurrence) and he doesn't want that. He wants to keep trying and expects me to do the same.

Is this common male behavior? Do guys do this for nonsexual reasons? How can it be nonsexual when there is porn involved? Why is it that I seem to have better self-control than he does? Does he get a "get out of jail free" card simply because he's a man? Any feedback would be very helpful.

VictorM's advice:

He gets a "get out of jail free" not because he's a man, but because you allow it. Don't blame anyone else. Take responsibility for accepting whatever role you have accepted in the relationship and for being party to such a lopsided deal.

You have better control because masturbating/sex in general isn't purely physical for females as it is for guys. With him, as with many guys, it's almost a habit, like people who bite their nails. Guys often get an erection for seemingly nothing -- leaning on a desk, seeing a sexy ad, the slightest hint of cleavage, accidental rubbing of his genitals, etc. -- but come on, viewing porn isn't sexual? Stroking his penis isn't sexual? Of course it is. He's fibbing to avoid confronting his weakness.

So the "devout Catholic" says his masturbating isn't even a sex thing... he views porn... he has a double standard when it comes to you and him... he's depriving you of something harmless that you enjoy... you know, Erica, you have set a very low bar for what a "great man" is.

This isn't about his masturbating habits or yours, this is about your role in the relationship and how much your views count, or as is the case here, don't count. His religion aside -- that's something between him and his conscience -- his masturbating habit sounds pretty normal. It's the bullshit he's dishing your way that you should worry about. Masturbating is common behavior for men; behaving like he's doing is common for hypocrites.

Old Enough to Know Better, 58, from California, asks:

Hi Victor,
Just to prove that idiocy can happen to anyone at any age, here's my story: I met this guy about 4 months ago. At first he was very into me, said he had a big crush, was eager to be with me, called frequently, paid me lots of attention, etc. However, he had all these problems. He said he was a caregiver for his cousin on weekends so we could never see each other then. (That situation was supposed to clear up 'soon'.) After the first month, he said he had changed jobs and now was working 2 - 10 p.m. However, we could still see each other after he got off work if I wanted. And he would take time off work or away from his cousin now and then to be with me. He never took any time off work. He had loads of financial problems and I let him borrow money. He was financially supporting his sick mama and helping his son through college and had back taxes due. He had health problems due to all the stress in his life. He did call me several times a day, but usually it was to complain about all his problems. Eventually I got tired of the midnight visits and started asking to go out. No need to spend money, I said. How about you take a little time off and we take a walk and hold hands or go out for a cup of coffee and talk? He always said yes, but then he didn't do it. A few days ago, I finally gave him the boot. Of course, like all the kids say, "he was such a sweet guy" and we had a great physical attraction for each other. I feel heartbroken, but I'll get over it. There is a remote possibility that he will pay me back the money I loaned him. So, see? Fools come in all ages.

VictorM's comment:

Thanks for sharing. We're never too old to learn.

samantha, 22, from USA, asks:

I wrote last week and you answered my question then but now I have another one. I have this guy friend that I have been super close to for about 6 years. I have super strong feelings for him and I love him dearly. Recently I have seperated from my husband of 4 years and my friend told me that he loved me. Well, a couple of days later he said that he didn't believe that I would leave my husband (which I have) and that he doesn't really love me. I am so confused. Is he just playing some kind of game with me? He has never revealed his true feelings to me before. Could you help?

VictorM's advice:

It's possible that he said that he loved you as a way to boost your ego and that bluff is coming back to haunt him. But I think it's more likely that he did feel something for you, which he was free to verbalize from the safety of you being unavailable. But once your situation changed he realized that his feelings weren't strong enough to hook up with you, specially so soon. Maybe he's just scared to rush into something with you. I wouldn't blame him for that.

You're just getting off a relationship. Don't rush into another. I suggest you let him know that you're OK with how he feels now and that you're just looking for friendship at this time. If he's that close to you and you think highly of him, having him around can't hurt. And who knows, once you put some distance between yourself and your ex, this guy might come around and allow his true feelings for you to surface. Even if this never happens, at least you have a close friend around.

Confused Emotions, 19, from New Zealand, asks:

Ok so I'm in this situation where I met this great guy just over a month ago, and now I really like him, I think we have great chemistry, we mix well. Anyway, I wasn't really getting anywere, as in he wasn't asking me out. So I was talking to my friend and she suggested I ask him out. So I did, I asked him, and he said "I suppose we could go out sometime."

Well since then I have seen him once, and I was texting him a few days ago and I asked him if he was actually interested in me because he kept making excuses, and he said that he wasn't really looking for that at the moment. Couldn't he have told me that earlier and saved me the ache? So why would he do that? Is he playing a game? I haven't given him any reason, I haven't slept with him.

VictorM's advice:

No, it's not a game. Yes, he could have told you, but guys avoid being blunt with girls hoping that they get subtle hints. Frankly, I think he was just polite the first time around and you ignored the hints.

Let it be a lesson for the future that most guys are going to avoid telling you the truth if they think the truth will hurt your feelings. It's just the way it is.

Karina, 16, from NJ, asks:

I'm back, the boy that I had an open relationship with, the same boy that wasn't into me at first, left to Israel and came back 2 days ago and didn't call me. I bumped into him when we were at a group outing. We started talking, the next day he came over and we spent the whole day together.

Getting to the point.. we were at my house with a few friends and he was all over me. Then we went to our other friends house with the same people, and he whispered in my ear he doesn't want to be affectionate around people. I said ok, got mad and didn't pay attention to him. He texted me asking if I got home ok because I left early, and I told him I needed to speak with him. He called me when he got home, and I told him that I don't want a relationship either, because he's always complaining he doesn't want to break my heart and I laid everything out to him telling him both our situations, he apologized and felt stupid. He made up a different excuse saying I am to inexperienced and I told him I am still willing to hook up with him so he could call me if he wants. He told me he has no obligation and we said goodnight.

Today he didn't call me, and our friends were planning to go to his house but I think he didn't want me there so my girls and I ended up staying out with one of our mutual friends, while him and his other boy went to his house. The thing is, I don't even know if I want to be with him. For someone who doesn't want a relationship he always asks me about guys I hook up with and information. I can tell he cares just as much as I do, in fact maybe a little bit more. He went to Israel and didn't get with anyone.

I think I want him back, and I don't know if I should contact him or even if its good for me. I didn't realize that I do have feelings for him and he told me if I ever did to let him know so we could call it quits. And if I shouldn't call or text or anything.. what is the quickest way to forget him?

VictorM's advice:

Why should you try to forget him? You like him, he likes you, you're not wanting to get married and have kids in the foreseeable future, right? So why complicated things? Spent time with the guy. Go places with him. Have fun. Enjoy his company.

See, I think guys get this right and girls get it wrong. When two people feel an attraction and are starting to get to know each other, why does it have to be a "relationship"? Why can't the "relationship" part wait until you two spend some more time together and know each other better? When he says he doesn't want to break your heart, he means he doesn't know you well enough to be sure a relationship is going to work out. It makes sense to me. Take it easy and just have fun with him for a while.

He wasn't comfortable being affectionate in front of people. And for good reason -- you're not boyfriend/girlfriend yet. I give him a lot of credit for saying it. I don't see why you had to get upset about it when he has been honest and direct with you all along.

And another thing... when your friends went to his house, you said "but I think he didn't want me". This kind of thinking can complicate things that don't need complication. You don't know what he wanted or didn't want. Your assumption is a reflection of what you're thinking, not what he's thinking.

Look, the boy likes you and you like him. It's summer time in glorious New Jersey. Go to the shore together. Walk hand in hand on the boardwalk. Share an ice cream cone. Laugh. Enjoy each other's company. Life really isn't THAT complicated. Don't make it so.

Sara, 21, from Roanoke, asks:

I really, really like this guy and everyone tells me that he likes me too. We played baseball together. He was sweet, yet I would always catch him staring at me, no matter where he was, watching me and giving me this really serious "mean" look. Whenever I looked at him, he would look right at me until one of us looked away. He always did this when another guy talked to me. Now, he is being super sweet to me whenever he sees me...what gives?

VictorM's answer:

Sara, are you trying to get a job with the Bush administration? How else can you explain being so clueless about something so obvious?

Stop asking silly questions and go start working on making future babies with him. That's why he is being so super sweet to you -- he wants you, badly!

Sammi, 14, from LA, asks:

I have a boyfriend and he's 15. He can be a pain sometimes. Every time on msn I say something meaningful to him, he'll just say ok. Sometimes he says stuff about my picture like "you scared me" and that I look scary, he doesn't compliment me much. I care for him, and whenever he feels bad I'll try to make him happy. He admits that he's a bad boyfriend but I always tell him not to think like that. I don't know what to do with him, sometimes I think he'll never get it. Sometimes I want to break up with him, but I can't because I love him too much. Any advice?
Thanks Victor.

VictorM's advice:

Far too many adult men are the way you describe. More so when they are teenagers. Some of it is a reflection of how things are at home. If they aren't used to getting complimented at home, they don't know how to handle a compliment, hence just the "ok" answer. If they are made fun off, that's all they know to do, so he does it to you.

It won't be easy, but you can try to train him a little bit. For example, when he says "you're scary" (he's just acting on learned behavior, it's not really what he thinks of you) patiently say something like "I know you're just joking but I would prefer you didn't say that. If you have nothing good to say about my picture, say nothing, but if you like it, I would love it if you said so." Don't say it in an angry tone of voice, but if you are this direct, he might, just might, start changing a bit. But don't go getting your hopes too high. It won't be easy for him.

Don't be too pushy, but you can try to train him that it's OK to express his feelings, to express his pleasure, to compliment you, not by yelling at him or telling him off, but by giving him positive encouragement. Don't over do it either. Guys are happiest with simple compliments. For example, if he does say "you look nice in that picture", just give him a smile, a kiss, and a blowjob say thanks. That's all. Keep the encouragement simple because you don't want to embarrass him.

Anonymous asks:

I'm starting to develop this "like" feeling for this guys I just started talking to. Sometimes I feel like he likes me but I don't want to assume things. He's headed off to college out of state in a few weeks. He's been acting different lately. Every time I sign on Myspace, or aim, he signs off. He doesn't reply back to my messages and whenever I get the chance to talk to him, he seems hesitant to stay! In the beginning he was so in a hurry to talk to me whenever he could, but now, I don't know what's up.

VictorM's answer:

He's not interested in you and is not willing to give you the slightest impression to the contrary. And I can understand why. If you haven't gotten that clue by now, I would be avoiding you too.

Get the clue: he's not interested in you. Leave him alone.

Kat, 11, from: michagian, asks:

Me and my friend like these two guys and we're suppose to meet them at the library today at 2:00 and we don't know what to say because they know we like them a lot.

VictorM's advice:

You're meeting them at the library? You like to live dangerously, don't you? Don't you know you're suppose to stay quiet in a library or else the mean librarian is going to come after you and rip your arms from your body? You know, librarians are like that.

But, if you talk to the boys outside, you can discuss the Harry Potter book and movie, talk about video games, and giggle a lot. Boys love that.

Maggie, 30, from Columbus, OH, asks:

About 3 years ago, I met a guy online in a chat room. We hit it off and after a week of talking online, we met. We didn't make it out of the house, we only made it to the bedroom. Since then, our relationship has been strictly sexual. Honestly, the best sex of my life and supposedly his. He has only spent the night a handful of times and has never taken me anywhere. I've never seen his place or met any of his friends. He has never met any of mine either. Those are all major problems, but the biggest one is that I actually care for him. The sex continues to get more passionate and better and it is harder and harder for me to say good-bye when he gets dressed and leaves.

Will he ever take me out of the house? I've threatened no blowjobs until we go to out, but I've never held up to it.

And, isn't he bored yet? I thought men needed variety.

VictorM's advice:

I'm sure he would take you out of the house if he wanted sex in public, otherwise, why do it? In an arrangement where sex is the objective what else do you expect?

Who says he's not getting variety? You think you have not met his friends and only see him a few times because the rest of the time he's an altar boy at his local church? A bit naive, perhaps?

Guys are quite capable of having passionate sex without feeling any passion for the person they're fucking. If all a guy sees in a girl is sex, yes, he will get bored at some point. It takes much more than sex to keep his interested going. You're getting emotionally attached at your own risk. You've bought into the role of being a sex object and using sex as a bargaining tool, so don't go expecting much more than that.

Sarah, 20, from houston, asks:

I just started talking to this new guy I have been seeing, I really like him and I'm not good with words. I'm wanting to make it more than just dating, but how do I know he feels the same? And how do I, in a round-about-way, ask him?

VictorM's advice:

How do you know if he feels the same? You really don't, but if a guy is willing to date you repeatedly, then there's a good possibility he wants more too. But generally guys prefer to take their time getting to know a girl by dating her for a while informally before committing to a relationship.

Don't ask him; he'll tell you when he's ready. Try to contain your impatience. I believe that during the courtship phase you should move at the pace of the slowest one. So keep your panties on and enjoy the slow ride.

Rachel, 13, asks:

I have had crush on this guy that's my brother's best friend. We've been just friends and stuff. He has said hi in school or yelled my name or given me hugs. He's 15 years old. Turning 16 in September. He sleeps over my house a lot. And supposedly he considers me his family. But more family with my brother it seems.

My crush is very good looking. And has a charm and an amazing personality. But, he flirts with girls all the time. I mean ALL the time! He gets depressed easily. Well always. But is hyper and silly sometimes too.

I am an inexperienced with guys. So, last night I think maybe he took advantage of me..
He ended being alone in my living room. I started asking questions. And he told me he thinks he is losing people and he used to get 20 hugs a day. And now only 1 once a few days. So I huged him and stuff. And then we sat on the couch and I held him and sat by him. But we ended up cuddling. Then we ended up laying on the couch cuddling. Then we talked but, eventually he started kissing me and then I kissed him. We sat there a while. He gave me a lot of kisses. But then he tried kissing me with open mouth. But I told him before I left that I am not ready for open mouth. He ended up just huging me. But, I really think I went too fair... or too fast. We're not even dating. It was so weird. And stuff. I am starting to think he just wanted someone to do that with and I mean anyone. He told me he has kissed like 7 girls and four guys or something like that. That's kinda of gross tho. With sooo many people. He's always acting heartbroken and stuff. I need advice about the whole thing. And he told me things. And told me do I get to touch his "breast" and he can't touch mine. Ewl. I think the next time I see him it will be awkward. He didn't get to touch my breasts because I said he can't. But I kissed back and and I don't know the limits...when to stop and put boundaries.

Am I taking this too fair?
I feel horrible..
Should I even be with him?
What if my brother finds out?
I've told 2 people already..my two best friends. But I haven't gotten to tell the other one how I feel like really feel.
I need your advice.

VictorM's advice:

You did nothing to be ashamed of or to feel terrible about. You're 13, a bit curious, and you were trying to help him. And contrary to what you said, you know how to set boundaries -- you told him no open mouth kissing and no touching of your breasts. So... you're a lot braver and smarter than you're giving yourself credit for.

Please do NOT feel like you are responsible for his depression. That's HIS problem, not yours. You're not a therapist and you shouldn't try to play one. We all need hugs but it's not your responsibility to keep everyone happy.

If this event comes up, with him, your brother, or anybody else, you just have to say that you were trying to be a good friend and things got a little out of hand but it won't happen again. Unless, that is, if you'd like it to happen again.

This guy sounds too manipulative. I'm not saying he's a bad kid -- after all, he seems to have behaved the way most boys would -- but the whole needing hugs and if you touch his breasts he should be able to touch yours kinda stuff is pure trickery. Don't fall for it.

But Rachel, overall you did really well. You should be proud of yourself.

ALLISON, 21, from PORT ROYAL, VA, asks:

My boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. She is abusive and mean... Why would he rather have that?

VictorM's advice:

He wanted sex, nothing else mattered at the time. He didn't evaluate, he didn't ponder, he didn't compare. I'm not defending him, just saying there was no thought process in that decision.

Sometimes, just sometimes, having sex with an ex is an act of revenge, not an act of caring.

lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:

My boyfriend is in quite a bit of debt. He can't afford to pay his car anymore and still owes finance on it plus he has another loan to pay for so he is really stressed. I have a lot of savings and can easily bail him out but I'm afraid as there's no guarantee I'll get it back. What do I do and what does he do?

VictorM's advice:

If his debt had come via hardship, like a serious illness, then I could see you making an effort to bail him out. But it sounds like he simply has mismanaged his way into debt. If this is so, the best thing you can do for him is to keep your money to yourself.

I say this for three reasons: one, you don't want to enable his poor money management skills; two, you don't want to be out of your money -- and chances are you will; and three, and the most important one, getting bailed out by a girlfriend is a terrible blow to a guy's ego. While you think you're helping, you're in reality just making him feel smaller. Instead, encourage him to dig himself out of the debts. Not only will this improve his money skills, but it will improve his outlook on life too because there will enormous pride in fighting is way out of trouble.

Instead of bailing him out there are little things you can do to help. I don't know his spending habits, but you can encourage him to engage in less expensive activities and help him with a budget he should live with.

But do NOT let him have your money... for his sake, and yours.

naomi, 14, from california, asks:

I met this guy at a dance at another school that I went to a couple months ago, and he seemed really sweet, and he asked me to dance and everything, but my best female friend hates him for some reason. Then he got my aim screen name a few weeks later and seemed sorta like a jerk. Then, about a month before we're gonna go to school together, he sweet talks me again and asks if he asked me out, would I say yes, and I said yes! Now he's being really nice and I'm getting to know him better, but he's gone out with 16 girls in one school year last year! What do I do?!

VictorM's advice:

What else is there to do but be number 17? Come on, what's a boy suppose to do? Sit at home and wait for miss perfect to show up out of nowhere or does he go out and keep dating girls till he finds her? I say he's doing the right thing.

Maybe you're his miss perfect, maybe you're not, but there's only one way to find out. You may discover that he's not all that, so what will you do? You'll move on to the next guy, that's what. There's no shame in that. But for now, you like him (or you wouldn't have said yes to dating him), so go out with the boy, see where it leads.

This is what boys and girls should be doing -- experiencing the dating scene and trying each other out for size. As long as you don't do with him anything that you don't want to do, it's all fine. Just remember that the surest way to make him move on to number 18 is by being too "easy". Make him work for your attention and you improve your odds of keeping his.

Belle, 35, from los angeles, asks:

The guy who dumped me last year called me 2 months ago to say Hi (we dated for only a month). He never called again, so I called him. The conversation went well and he asked me out for dinner. The dinner went well... he was his usual funny self. I had fun, he never flirted though. At the end of the date, instead of a kiss, he just gave me a hug and said "let me know if you feel like hanging out." I didn't hear from him ever. What was that? Did he ask me out because he was feeling guilty about last year?

VictorM's advice:

Doesn't sound like guilt is involved.

Look, he broke up with you, that doesn't mean he hates your guts. Sounds like he thinks highly of you, just not in a romantic way. Now he's being polite and friendly. That's all it means.

Acacia, 15, from Oklahoma, asks:

I have this guy that I've been crushing on since Sixth Grade. I think that he thinks that I am a big freak. I really don't know how to talk to him. Please help me.

VictorM's advice:

Don't talk to him about your crush or any feelings you have for him. Treat him just like a friend.

Find something that he really likes (sports, cars, video games, whatever) and ask him questions about that topic. Develop an interest and asking questions that allows him to show off. Guys like being around girls they can sound smart to. Don't ask him if he likes this or that, make sure you ask him to explain things to you. That allows him to be a show off and for you to spend more time with you.

jen, 19, from NY, asks:

I am getting over him pretty well I mean it is hard because there was a short time where I did like him…but I shot that down quick. I mean what can I do currently? He doesn’t extend anything to me but does to our friend. Is it my job to show him some interest before he can?

Yes it did get me to notice but I never let him onto it too much. I did not start acting distant until he started acting like an ass. I can't chase someone that wants me for an ego boost until/if our friend becomes single! I don’t want to be a second choice when I can be someone’s first and only! I got along with his friends more and don’t think that went over too well. I got the feeling that he was still in middle school emotionally. Over the year, he would follow our friend around like a puppy. (Of course she didn’t mind it was a great ego boost to her.) I guess he lives in a fairytale where he and our friend will live happily ever after…if he just keeps calling her and sitting next to her and giving her little trinkets of affection (the thing is we all give each other lil things all the time! But he only gives to her…and a few times me…)? Another friend that knows of his crush would notice that sometime he would get these bouts of depression and just sit next to his crush waiting for her to ask what’s wrong? And she would…but if her boyfriend was there she wouldn’t…that would be a slap in the face and he would just stare longingly and say they aren’t really in love/serious. How can someone be in love with someone that has never been single to them?

VictorM's comment:

To quote a song... He's "dreaming the impossible dream. " That's the fantasy lots of people live in. It's not easy to shake that feeling when you're so hooked on another. He's just going to have to deal with the heartache somehow.

Whatever happens between them, it seems you're out of the picture. The coast is clear for you.

Joyce, 29, from Indonesia, asks:

I had a boyfriend for almost 5 years. A few months after our 4th year anniversary, I asked him about his plans to get married, but he said he is not yet ready. One week later, he asked for "space." It was the first time in 5 years that he ever asked for space. During the whole time that we were together, I was always the one who suggested break-ups, but he always begged me to stay. I never expected that one day he will be the one to ask for space or a "cool-off". So I freaked out and didn't know what to do.

He works in the Sales Dept and he is normally required to work in far away areas. We see each other only 5-6 times a week, because of the nature of his job. Then he told me that one night he got so drunk and had a one night stand with a girl in the area he works in. Because of that, I broke up with him immediately. It's been 5 months since our break up. Now I want him back. I have already forgiven him. We are still in contact with each other as friends and he is usually sweet to me when we talk. Should I ask him out for a date? Should I ask him back? Is it a good idea that I still take his calls and that I also call him once in a while?

VictorM's advice:

It's a good idea to stay in contact and ask for a date if you want him back and if you don't mind wasting your time. Because, it will be a waste of time. The reason he's not with you has nothing to do with your forgiveness; it has to do with him being over you. He thought he was fine with you, he didn't want to lose you, but that was all before he faced his moment of truth, when he had to face the marriage talk straight on. Now he knows where you stand in his life, and that's not in it.

Being sweet to you doesn't mean he wants you back. Why shouldn't he be sweet to you? Just because he got over you doesn't mean he hates you or that he forgot his good manners. He's being polite. That's all.

Matilda, 14, from Asia, asks:

Hey..it's me again..why are boys so confusing? I mean my boyfriend, he's like the most confusing guy ever. Sometimes he doesn't get what I want him to do he can be clueless sometimes. You know when you said to say "kiss me, you fool". Well, what if he thinks I just want a kiss from him? Like once when we were chatting he said that the way I typed looked like I really wanted to kiss him, who doesn't want to kiss their boyfriend? I know I'm being a little harsh, trying to get over it and hopefully I will. What else should I know about 15 year old boys? Would they rather hang out with their friends than their girlfriends? My boyfriend is like shy sometimes and when we talk there's sometimes silence. Of course I don't want to break up with him. But what else should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Matilda.. Matilda... Matilda. You're thinking wayyyyyy too much! It's a kiss! Kiss the freaking guy already! It's just a kiss! You won't get pregnant, you're not invading a country, you're not blowing up the planet. It's just a kiss. Kiss the little freaking toad already!

Fifteen year old boys talk a big game amongst themselves, but they are scared shitless about that first kiss, their first make out session and where it might lead. So... sometimes it's safer to go play video games with the guys. Don't take it personally. It's just a tormenting time for boys in that age group.

There's something else about 15 year old boys you ought to know. They're sloppy with their bathroom habits and their underwear can get smelly and ugly with stains. Hey, I'm just passing on information. :)

jen, 19, from NY, asks:

Hi I am back again! Only this time I think I am doing better and getting over the guy I liked. I need to know something. I was the girl that kinda liked a guy that liked my friend. It seemed that he kinda liked me also. It seemed for a moment we were both flirting and getting along really well and there was a mutual attraction but to me nothing serious. Well the next day when I was hanging out with this guy and some of his friends and our friends (not the friend that he likes) he was all into our other friend and anything I said seemed to be an annoyance and it was almost like I didn’t exist. I am not an annoying person. There would be moments where he would just not help me like he usually does or anything! I would be left standing there bewildered even our friend that he was paying extra attention to, pointed it out. For example, I looked cold and he insisted so rudely I take his jacket, I said no and then later he insisted again. It wasn’t in a nice way but I couldn’t say no again, I felt so strange taking it because he was so mean about it. I just want to know what was the reason for this change? One moment he is into me or at least nice and the next he's mean. I have not flirted or even talked to him lately and he has not made any attempt to talk to me. He does call his crush, our friend, at least 3 times a week, she's not interested in him, and has told him and she and her boyfriend are happy and have been together for like 2 years. Whats wrong here? We are in college! This is not High School.

VictorM's advice:

You may be in college but emotionally he's still in middle school.

He wants more attention from you. His sometimes cold attitude is intended to get you to notice him (and you have to admit, it's working). The rationale for that behavior is akin to a little boy who is mean to a girl he likes. It's childish, but often it works.

Maybe he's picking up on your sentiment that there's an "attraction but to me nothing serious." Could it be that he you are giving him vibes that you're not interested in him?

But be careful. I'm not saying he's into you or will ever be. His bruised ego is looking for someone to give him a boost. He needs to have someone (you) drool over him to repair his wounded pride.

VictorM's comment: I know. But you're fun to pick on. :)

confused, 22, from ohio, asks:

Why would a guy tell his soon to be divorced female friend that he wants her to marry him and that he loves her when before he never said anything like that before?

VictorM's answer:

Because before she was married. Duh! He probably had a crush on her all along but never told her because she was taboo, off limits, another man's wife.