Sarah, 22, from Texas, asks:

I broke up with my ex two months ago because we were unable to sustain our long-distance relationship. Since then I have been in town twice and we had sex both times.

The first time we agreed that it was like a friends-with-benefits thing. The second time was this Friday. I meant to just drive into town for something I needed to pick up and have dinner with him then drive back home. We didn't get dinner until 9 and there was a party at our friends' house so I stayed because I didn't want to drive home late and tipsy.

At one point he sat me down and said that he had been dating a girl for two weeks and hadn't wanted to tell me because he thought it would be awkward. We agreed that we are just friends and that we can share everything with each other. Then later we were talking in a bedroom and he closed the door and kissed me. He always does this!

Well later that night we went back and got in bed to go to sleep. I thought everything would be cool since we kept most of our clothes on. Then he started kissing me again. I told him I didn't want to do anything because I didn't want to be thinking about him for weeks afterward. It's like a yo-yo effect. I finally get OK with being apart and then I see him and he is so great and I can't be OK with it.

So, I caved and we had sex that night and the next morning. Saturday night he called me and apologized and said he felt really bad. I asked him if he felt bad for me or for her and he said for both. We agreed if I visit him and his roommates again then I am sleeping on the couch.

He said he was an asshole but it's so hard for me to tell him that is true. I love him too much to even believe it's true I guess. I don't think they were boyfriend/girlfriend, I think they were just dating and he told me he didn't like the way she treated him. I suppose my question is, am I a skank for doing this? Do you think it is possible for us to remain friends? And the whole reason I broke up with him was that I wanted him to date other people (I was his first girlfriend) so that if we were meant to be, we could settle down without him wondering what might have been. Is this a ridiculous expectation?

VictorM's advice:

You're not a skank, you're a liar.

You can't possibly be so naiveas to think that you can lay in bed with some clothes on and expected nothing would happen -- of course you know what would happen! Come on!

I don't think it's possible for you to be friends without the benefits, specially when you throw yourself into situations that makes it so easy to get physical with each other.

If you want him to date other people, stay out of the way, otherwise, you're cheating yourself. But the whole idea is kinda nutty, if you ask me. I mean, he likes you, you like him. Why play games?

Yes, games. Just look at your submission. You start by saying you broke up because you couldn't sustain the long-distance relationship but you finish by saying you wanted him to date other girls to see if you were meant for each other. So, come on, what was your real motivation? And you knew very well you'd wind up in bed with him both times you visited. And next time you'll sleep in the couch... come on! You're playing too many games with the guy.

You're playing with fire; you know what happens when people do that.

Kailey, 13, from Cali, asks:

Wow, I just love talking to you! Thanks so much for answering all my previous questions.

I've been talking to Jorge a little, but not a lot. It's been nice, but of course, I started falling for someone else. (yes, I am very busy :] )

His name is Ryan and during the school year, almost all my classes were with him. We were always just friends, but one day, my friend had a beach party (Tiffany) and he went along with my friend Dylanne (it is pronounced Dylan but yes, it's a girl!) who likes Ryan! Anyways, at the beach I just happened to mostly hang out with him. At one point, everyone else was in the water and we were sitting far away on the sand, just us and his friend Cody. Whenever Dylanne WAS there, she was always talking to him instead of me, and flirting and everything. He acted normal, but I wasn't sure if he liked her too. All I know is that they text each other a lot, and I do not have texting..

The next night, Ryan, Cody, and I met at a soccer field close to our houses and just hung out. It was really nice - and he seemed to act a lot more caring. He didn't seem to try and impress anyone.

But I have also heard his past girlfriends haven't been too serious, and didn't last long.
Does he like me?
If so, would our relationship last long?
If it doesn't, would we be friends after?

VictorM's advice:

You're 13, you're suppose to be a busy girl in this department.

Of course his girlfriends haven't been serious -- you're all around 13! :-p

Of course he likes you. Doesn't everyone?

Your relationship would last until you fall for someone else. At your pace, that would be next Tuesday.

Would he still be friends after? There's only one way to find out. So... go get him!

PS. Thanks for your kind words.

Jennifer, 30, from Washington, asks:

I met a much, much younger man while deployed, he initiated the relationship, we clicked we spent a lot of time together for about 6 months which included talking for hours on end, grieving lost friends and amazing sex. It also included him telling me about other female friends and every once in a while he would blurt out something rude out of the blue, completely unprovoked like "its not like I love you" or "it's just sex, we're not making love" which hurt but I just ignored him and chalked it up to immaturity. After returning home, surprisingly we kept in regular contact. Prior to returning home we never really discussed the future of our relationship because we lived so far away from each other I thought we both assumed that an exclusive relationship was not feasible. Now after many months of being home I am really falling for this guy and am not quite sure what to do. He tells me I am the best sex he has ever had, no other women compare, gets very specific. Please keep in mind I do not contact him, I am a driven and educated person, I figured if he wants to talk to me he will contact me. Sometimes, he's sweet and open, other times he gets so arrogant sometimes and starts talking about how all his friends want him to hook up with a certain person, or essentially how great he is. I know he has a ton of female friends that worship him and that he keeps in much closer contact with them he does with me. He invites them to visit him in Germany and goes and visits them. I know that he has a history with these females. Despite telling him he is always welcome to visit me, he has never come and has never invited me to visit him. I know what all the signs point to, but a couple of things I don't understand. Why does he keep contacting me if he's not that interested in me? I understand that it could just be a sex thing, but with all that we went through together? If it's just about the sex, can't he get that anywhere? Why does it have to be sex with me? And if it has to be sex with me, isn't there a little more to the relationship then just sex?

VictorM's advice:

There is one more thing besides sex -- his ego. And that's what this is all about.

The sex part is clear. He got it with you, he's getting it from a "ton of female friends", and his friends are always trying to hook him up. He obviously likes to brag, which leads to the point below.

His ego enjoys talking to you because even when it was just about sex, you still wanted him. He talks about other girls and you accept it. You're falling for him and he feels it. He's rude to you and you make excuses for him. Basically, he makes one phone call to you and he feels like a king.

In short, he's an egomaniac and you're a human mat -- from his point of view, it's a match made in heaven and one that he has complete control over.

Gema, 12, from New Zealand, asks:

hi victor me again. I'm starting to think Max doesn't like me. I mean he's still being really nice and all but I think he's bored. What can I do to change this? I'm mostly quite fun and outgoing.

VictorM's advice:

He's not getting bored, it just seems that way because he's no match for you in the fun department. Don't sell yourself short -- you're the almighty, fabulous Gema. It'll take special guys to rate in your world.

Max is like an old pair of shoes; comfy but no pizazz! Oh well, sucks to be him. Move on to your next victim... huh... you know what I mean. :)

Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:

Hi Victor,

I have moved to a 1 bedroom apartment. This is a new home for future baby and I. I do feel leaving the old house is a wise move. Now I got on well with my new job. My boss really like my hard work. My job will be secured after maternity leave. Although money is a bit tight at the moment, but the financial stress for the past few month has gone. Leaving him, I don't have stress from the relationship. I do feel much better now. Baby still have 6-8 weeks to go. Living alone sometimes would be a bit lonely. The past happy memory with him comes up from time to time. I just can't help myself hoping we will sort things out and be together again. But he don't love me anymore and have a new relationship now. He won't have time to think about the past. I know there is no chance we will be together again. How can I stop that hope? If I have this expectation, things don't happen. I am still disappointed and upset, although I understand that's something out of my control.

VictorM's advice:

I'm glad to hear you moved and are doing OK.

You ask: "How can I stop that hope?" Why should you stop the hope? You had dreams of a great, loving family. That's a terrible dream to give up. It hurts. You don't want it to be. It would take a cold, indifferent person to not feel bad about losing it. If anything, this says you're a good person, one who aspires to provide her child with a happy family environment. So, don't feel bad for still hanging on to that hope.

But you were brave and you moved on. And you will continue to be brave. Your baby will come. You'll have happy days and sad days, and you'll come to understand that a child doesn't need an unloving father to be happy. You can provide that child with all the love and affection he/she will need to be happy.

Meanwhile, keep hope alive. You may think there's only one way to make your dreams come true but the future is full of endless possibilities and often our dreams get fulfilled in ways we never imagined possible.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

Leigh, 28, from New Zealand, asks:

I wrote in previously about dating my ex's mate. This guy has now asked me to go out with him officially and has told me that he loves me, but he has still not told his friend we are together, it has been over two months now. I have confronted him about it several times. On Saturday night I was at his place and we made plans to have dinner together and hang out. Then my ex text him asking him over for a few drinks and he said yes. So I went to leave stating that I was mad and he got upset and rang my ex back and cancelled. What do I do? I feel insecure because he says he hasn't had the courage to tell my ex!

VictorM's advice:

I remember your previous question well. I remember saying he should tell his friend right away what's going on. I still think it's the right thing to do but I have to say, I feel for your boyfriend. He fears he will end a very precious friendship. Not only that one friendship, but it's likely that if your ex gets upset, many other friends may also give him the cold shoulder or even cease being his friend.

Give him some slack; this is a very difficult and tormenting moment for your boyfriend. Support him. Be understanding. Be a little patient. Let him choose the timing (within reason). If you pressure him and things go really bad with most of his friends, you will suffer as well. So let it be his timing. When it impacts your relationship, as it did when he got the call from your ex and was willing to go, speak your mind as you did. He did the right thing to call back and cancel.

I think he needs to feel stronger about his relationship with you before he risks losing his best friend and maybe others. Seems like a prudent thing to do.

I realize that this advice may seem to contradict what I told you last time, but I read it again and I don't think it does. As I said the last time, I still think the right thing to do, and best thing to do, is for your boyfriend to tell your ex what's going one. I'm still saying the same thing but now I'm also considering how difficult a task it is for him. It's easy for me to say do something because I don't have to be the one doing it. Last time I called him a coward but I think it speaks well of him that has admitted he lacks the courage; that admission in itself takes courage.

susan, 25, from maryland, asks:

I am having a sexual relationship with this guy for 2 years now, but he has a girlfriend. I like him and he says he likes me, now it's his birthday and I want to get him something but what?

VictorM's advice:

Buy him a small box and a nice red bow, and in it put an ounce of decency. He needs it. Buy youself some too.

Alice H, 17, from USA, asks:

So I'm talking to this guy on the phone, and he has made a reference to me liking him (in joke form). I kinda do, but what's holding me back from liking him more is:

1) he is my best friend's ex and at the end of the relationship he was an imbecile
2) he proceeds to be 'bitter' over their relationships still and calls her names - in which I tell him to stop
3) he tells me these outlandish stories at 1 am, then when I bring them back up later, he says something like "what? I must have been half asleep" and then tells me the 'truth'
4) he proceeds to tell me how he would still try to sleep with a friend of mine (and another girl) if he could because he never got the chance.

So, what am asking is he really even interested in me? And after the story telling, no respect for a girl he loved, and speaking of sleeping with other girls, is he even worth it?

I'm leaning towards 'hell no'.

VictorM's advice:

You have seen this guy's true colors, so I'm surprised you're still leaning. Besides, he talks to you like you're one of the guys. That's not a sign of someone who's interested in you. Lucky you!

You called him an imbecile; you can double that for yourself if you pursue him.

Becky, 23, from USA, asks:

I can't have sex with my boyfriend anymore or masturbate after he described how awesome his ex girlfriend's squirting cum was and I can't get it out of my head. What am I to do?

VictorM's advice:

Before I say anything else, I want to make it clear that I think your boyfriend is not the brightest crayon in the box; in fact, he's a major ass. OK, with that out of the way, let me give it shot here.

Are you thinking that because he liked the squirting he won't like a girl that doesn't squirt? If so, that's utter nonsense and I hope you realize it. For example, it's totally normal for a guy to find long hair on a girl sexy, but also find short hair on another girl equally as sexy. Or to like one girl's big boobs and to like another girl's small, perky ones. Same applies to varying degrees of wetness between girls.

It's totally likely that he thinks that one girl who squirted was awesome, and another who doesn't is equally as awesome. Most people don't think of lovers in their life as "better or worse" in bed; in most cases, they're simply different from one another and each one exciting in their own way.

And thanks to your question I can't get out of my head what a mess this girl must leave behind. I just hope Glad makes bed sheets too. It's one thing to have to wear condoms during sex, but a poncho and swimming goggles too? :-p

sweettart, 34, from us, asks:

I have been in a relationship with a manly man for 5 years. We live with his 2 kids. He does little with them, goes to the bar 5 nights a week, works hard. He says our relationship needs work but doesn't want to DO anything to make it better. He doesn't cuddle because"that's just the way he is". He knows I have needs but "just can't help me because that's just how he is" so basically he brings home money and leaves. He doesn't seem to care how I feel, he expects me to wait on him ( take his boots off, get his drink, serve his dinner) but I am working full time, going to school, and trying to take care of the kids, plus visit mine 60 miles one way. Our finances suck, his tab runs 300 a month but that's his stress relief. I am resentful and tired. What can I do to get his help? Will he ever appreciate what I do? What can I do to make this work...I am out of ideas... What is going through his head?

VictorM's advice:

I assume that when you met him he didn't cuddle, was already a manly man, enjoyed bars, in short, he is now the way he was when you met him. I can't imagine the kind of man you describe being that much different before you hooked up with him. So, what this tells me is you knew exactly what you were getting into. You made a mistake before and now you want him to change to correct your mistake. You should look for a job in the Bush administration -- you'd fit right in!

He is the way it is. He doesn't apologize for it. He doesn't mislead you about it. He's letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that the door is open. The real question here is why haven't you walked out? Why don't you leave?

Stop complaining because your inability to do what's best for you matches his unwillingness to change. But at least he's being true to himself, which is more than we can say for you.

Katherine, 33, from London, asks:

Hi Victor... I have just started sleeping with a guy I've known for a few months, with whom I have had amazing chemistry since we first met. The chemistry is still fantastic, the sex itself is great but the foreplay is very ordinary. How do I (gently) guide him, so as not to offend but to improve things for both of us? Advice needed!...Katherine.

VictorM's advice:

Very common problem indeed. Well, don't say it to him very overtly. Guys generally don't handle that sort of comment very well. But you can't stay quiet either otherwise he'll never know what you like.

Just bring it up in terms of "something I'd like to try with you, honey". So, whatever it is that you'd like, present it to him in terms of an experiment. For example, if you want want candles, soft music, and to dress in sexy clothes, with a lot more touching and kissing before the sex, set up the scene... say it, "tonight we're going to take it easier". If he starts getting a little aggressive, joke with comments like "slow down, big boy". The point is, set the mood you'd like and then guide him along. Now, the first few times it may seem like more work than you'd like, but unless he's an idiot, he'll want to please you and you'll both benefit in the long run.

Just make sure to express how much you're enjoying things when they are indeed at a pace you like, and reward him with compliments. If you stroke his ego when he does things you like, he'll do them more often. It's that simple.

Some might say that straight communication is better. That is, sitting down with him and telling him that you want better foreplay. But saying you want "better foreplay" means nothing. Do what, for how long? It's very subjective. He'll just look at you like a deer in headlights. Also, if you talk about it in too much detail beforehand, the foreplay will feel like "fuck by numbers" kind of exercise -- not very romantic, is it?

Guiding him to what you like done and at the pace you prefer is the best way to go. Most guys really do want to please their lover. So guide him along. And praise him when he gets it right.

Jessica, 26, from California, asks:

I have been dating my boyfriend for the past 2 years. We have lived together for 1 year. I want to get married and I've expressed this. He doesn't necessarily want to get married since he feels that we shouldn't have to have a paper to get everything official. However, he says we will and he'll ask me when I don't bring it up . . . he wants to surprise me . . . He's 30 (we live together, own a home together) Will he ask me or is this a just a cop-out??

VictorM's advice:

You live and own a home together. I doubt he would get that far if he wanted to cop-out. He will ask you.

Sounds like he wants to surprise you, but you seem bent on spoiling it. You've already told him that marriage is important to you. Now back off, woman. Your timetable is not the only one that matters. Give the guy the chance to make you cry when he pops the question when you least expect it.

Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:

There’s this girl who I’m sort of friends with, S, who likes the same guy as I do (we’ll call him R). A while ago, something bad happened between me and R. Eventually it was sorted out, but before then, I told all my friends (including S) that I was over R so they wouldn’t worry about me, even though I wasn’t over him at all. S talked about asking R out a bunch in the past, but everyone thought she was kidding until she actually did it yesterday, the last day of school. She asked him out and he said maybe and gave her his cell number. Since none of my friends knew I still liked R, everyone was really excited for S. Now it’s summer, no more school, and I’m totally crushed! How much of a chance is there that R will decide to not go out with S? How can I talk to him about this without making him uncomfortable? Since it’s summer, it would be really hard for to get in contact with him. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

I hope you learn about being less than honest, although frankly, I don't blame you too much. You were just trying to spare yourself from all the pity.

He told S "maybe". "Maybe" is the guy word for "you have as much chance of going out with me as Paris Hilton has of winning a Nobel prize." He wants you and will come back determined to get you. How do I know? Because you've become a challenge and he wants to win you back.

So, have a great time during the Summer and when R comes back, stop fighting with the guy, will ya? Meanwhile enjoy knowing that S doesn't stand a chance with him (but don't tell that to anyone. Let's keep it our secret).

Youssa, 19, from Egypt, asks:

We were together, we were doing great. He broke up with me cause I wasn't honest enough and he didn't like lies at all. We're still in love, we steal moments to be together, but he says he can't be with someone he doesn't trust although he knows I changed!

VictorM's advice:

You changed? I don't believe you. Obviously, neither does he.

People who feel the need to lie do it for a reason. They just don't get up one day and decide they're going to stop lying. The lying covers some deeper problem, like shame, guilt, insecurity, etc. So unless you dig deeper and find out what compels you to lie, I wouldn't believe you either.

racheal, 16, from TX, asks:

I like this guy in my kickboxing class but he's very shy. He always looks at me then looks away. I feel like he likes me but is too shy to say it. He gets very nervous around me, which makes it hard to talk. I don't really want to be the one to make the first move as I'm shy too. He's making progress just not as quick as I would like. I'm afraid if I ask I'll scare him and I don't think he has a girlfriend but I'm not sure. Please help me.

VictorM's advice:

Don't ask him. You probably wouldn't have the nerve anyway. Boys around your age quite commonly have many crushes and they love to fantasize about them. Often, when a girl says yes or expresses her feelings, it's not as much fun as the fantasy. A few days ago Mariana posted the lyrics of a Spanish song that speak to that... he fantasizes about you saying Yes, but for other reasons he wants you to say No. Basically, he'll do things at his own pace, stretching out the mental seduction.

You can help him along by talking to him more and spending more time with him. To do that, you should try to find out a couple of things he either loves to do or is very knowledgeable about, and then ask open-ended questions on those topics. Let's say you find out he loves video games. Don't ask: "So you love video games?" You'll get a "yes" and nothing more. But if you ask something like: "What is it about video game A that you like so much?" A better question still is one that prompts him to help you. Say: "I play game X and I can never get the hang of doing Y. Can you show me how?"

Be careful what you wish for. Even shy guys can become motor-mouths once they're talking about topics they can impress you with.

Tara, 19, from Norwich, asks:

There is a guy in my lecture who I met 5 months ago. After 2 lectures he asked me for my email address. A few days later he emailed me his number. I messaged him mine and we've been texting since.

He was good with texts at first, yet only called twice. Of which once on the phone he was making a haaagh/ough noise- I said-what’s that noise- he just said he makes that noise when he’s tired!! Whatever??! Like a month ago his texts got less frequent and saying late reply as busy and that. Recently, he said he’s lousy with texts but also said he loads so deletes them all. I have asked him twice before if he wanted to do something but he replied too late or had work. As I was leaving my uni for summer, he asked if he could come over, I always said he should come over and see what halls are like. It was a bit awkward when he came. We went to get some food then when back, he finally just kissed me. We kissed lying in my bed and then when I went to get changed he was already in his boxers in my bed! I thought that was a little bit rushed. When kissing he was very vocal as he made that noise from the phone-which is slightly below speaking level (thought slightly unusual but I have little experience) when kissing and then his hands started wondering. We are both virgins (shh) and 19, but due to religious reasons not going to have sex-that was discussed one phone convo at the beginning my him somehow generally. He said girls always wanted to move it on to the next stage and that ended the relationship. Whilst in bed we sort of played around kissing wise, he licked my face, rubbed noses etc (?) and touched me clothing wise everywhere. I didn’t let his hand get under my knickers (sorry for graphic) as was first time I'd kissed him (and first proper kiss really) and I wasn’t going to see him for a few months but I didn’t tell him that and I didn’t touch his balls at all under or over his boxers. But he touched me over my clothes. We kissed at points in the night and slept cuddled together. I texted him after my lesson asking if he got home ok. In one text I said I liked kissing him and him kissing me (maybe that was too much) and he replied that he liked my tongue because it's big and he likes to suck on it! How lovely! Then to a text of mine which was a bit dry with no question he didn’t text back. Nothing for 21 weeks. On messenger, he said hi and that he had to go, and asked if he could text me later. We were both on messenger for hour the other day and neither of us spoke to each other. So does he like me at all or just sexually frustrated or friends?? Sometimes he’s sweet and I’ve been lonely at uni so really valued his existence. But he’s got friends as it’s his home so I’m not sure if I’m of any importance. The lecture was an extra so we don’t have to see each other again. Thanks! Is he annoyed about not going a bit further or do you think he just doesn’t like me? Why is he doing this and what's my best course of action-if he texts should I ignore? Or does he just not like me?Thanks so much!! Can't talk to anyone else xxxxxxx

VictorM's answer:

Sorry I edited out portions of your submission, but girl, you can get into some serious detail. I left in the most amusing passages, some of which cracked me up... big tongue, huh? And what's up with those noises he makes? :)

Anyway, I think the guy likes you. If you read previous answers of mine you'll see how often I say that most guys HATE to do the text/phone/messenger thing. Guys are very physical. That's why he can spend the night with you even if sex is not involved, but not as excited about the other forms of communications. Besides, he's with his friends. I'm sure he's out having fun. Just because he may like you doesn't mean he's going to get stuck at home.

If you still like him and he texts you, why should you ignore him? Don't.

Is he turned off because of your no sex for religious reasons? Could be but it doesn't appear so. He just seems like an active, involved, easily tired kinda guy. He seems to prefer girls like you who take things slower. You are the most fun to pursue -- there's an extra reward when you violate your religious oath. ]:->

Gema, 12, from New Zealand, asks:

GOOD ANWSER!!!! Thanks. That's too tempting to refuse. But what should I do if they find out I'm a 3 timer?

Victor's advice:

You don't hide you're dating more than one; in fact, you flaunt it. Don't do anything sneaky but hey, you're popular and lots of boys like you. That's not your fault. Tough on them if they can't handle it.

Boys are like shoes -- you can't try just one pair; you have to try several to see which one is the better fit.

You have to be confident and sure of yourself. Let the little smelly boys sweat the small stuff. You can have the pick of the litter and if they don't like it, tough, they can have the homely girls.

Once you reject one of them, let Jessie have him. ;)

jessie, 13, from new zealand, asks:

Hi. I think you know my friend Gema. She told me about this web site and I need advice. You see the thing is Gema knew I liked this guy and she likes him too but she won't back off. How do I get the guy to choose me over her specially when he is going to ask her out on her birthday?
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllpppppp!!!!!

VictorM's advice:

yes, I know Gema. She's a regular "customer". She has my loyalty so you just are going to have to find another toy boy, Gema has this one all locked up. Besides, it's her birthday. Be a good friend and let her have her guy.

Katie, 15, from Elkhart, Texas, asks:

I'm really not understanding a lot of things at school. There is this guy named Skyler and I really like him. Everybody has thought that since the day we met we were perfect or had a big "thing" for each other. I finally got up the courage to ask him out and I got turned down. He always did things that made me seem like he liked me... what should I be saying or doing or thinking about this??

VictorM's advice:

He probably does like you but he's not really for the one on one thing yet. Continue to be nice and friendly to him. Flirt if you feel like it, but don't ask him out again. When he's ready, he'll come after you.

Teen boys are notorious for having crushes on many girls at once. He just wasn't ready to kiss the other crushes goodbye yet. That might change.

Kali, 17, from lancaster, asks:

Okay so me and my boyfriend have been dating for about a week and today he just told me that he was in love with me. Can he really be in love even though we have only been dating for a week?

VictorM's answer:

Of course he can. I mean, he calls it love, some sourpusses would call it infatuation, or being smitten, or even puppy love. It really doesn't matter. You're in your teens; no one is talking about a family and eternity, right? You make him feel great and he feels this rush of chemicals flooding his system. It's a wonderful feeling.

Will it last? Probably not, but why spoil it for him? Let him enjoy thinking you're the coolest girl who ever lived.

Chelsea, 17, from Waterford PA, asks:

HELP ME! =] Okay this guy I have been hanging out for 3 weeks and is constantly flirting with me and taking me almost every where he goes. His best friend tells me that he always talks about me. Then the other night I snuck up to so I could hang out with him and after 4 hours he calls and breaks up with his girlfriend, right in front of me. (She's been saying she's pregnant so he wouldn't break up with her but shes not). So I am thinking that he's going to ask me out. So we had sex then he says I don't think we should tell anyone about this. I thought at first that he was just using me but then when I got up to leave he begged me not to. He said that he wasn't ready for me yet and that he's confused. He decided that we should just be friends. After 30 minutes of talking I had to go home. As I was walking out he gave me a hug. He said that he got a shiver down his spine and that he always gets that when he's with me. He finished by saying that that is the reason why he thinks he likes me so much...ugh!! Help me please. He's called me since then but I missed his call. Tell me what's going on in his head!!

VictorM's answer:

He likes you as "friends with benefits"; he will say what you need to hear so that you go along with it; he won't burn any bridges with anybody else, hence the request to keep it quiet; and he's so happy you're a sucker who's going along for the the ride.

marol, 40, from idaho, asks:

Is it serious if a guy you are dating sends a card in the mail and signs it with "love"?

VictorM's advice:

Not really. "Love" is just one of many words used to express affection. It could be a sign that he's serious, but I wouldn't go out picking a wedding band based on it.

This comment is in response to this question and answer:

lindsey, 22, from scotland, says:

'talk about feeling like a princess' I want to reply to this girl's dilemma. Don't listen to Victor. I think it was a bit harsh for him to reply that way to you. Listen... me and my fiancee broke up and didn't speak for over a month, no contact, I thought he didn't care either but he was waiting for me to get him. I didn't. Eventually he came around and he was going through a hard time that I didn't know of and now we are happy, so it's possible your boyfriend is just going through a bad time and not telling you, he may feel you bailed out and that you didn't care and he's even more upset but you had no choice to as he wasn't communicating to you. Contact him, what have you got to lose?? No regrets!

VictorM's comment:

I'm glad things worked out for you and your fiance, although I have to say, to be the fiance of someone who doesn't share his hard times with his soon to be wife doesn't give me too much confidence that communication is a priority, but if it's working for you, great.

I do agree that Angie has nothing to lose by calling. I didn't say when I answered her submission because nowhere did she ask me that question.

But I still think Angie's situation is different from yours. You were engaged and had a fight (I'm assuming). But this is what Angie said: "About 8 weeks ago he started to pull away. Not call like he used to when out of town, not as attentive. He would say he would do things and then he would not." So in Angie's case we have a gradual pulling away; that was not your case. It is this pulling away that led me to answer as I did.

In any case, thank you Lindsey for taking the time to write. Angie can only gain from another point of view.

Jen, 25, from Danbury, asks:

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. Last December we decided to move in together. The thing is I moved to a different state to be with him. I have major trust issues with men due to being cheated on in the past, and also my previous boyfriend's addiction to internet porn. About 2 months ago I went onto his computer and noticed he had belonged to a few internet sex sites under a different name. He had also been posing as a woman looking for women on a different sex site. I gained the courage to confront him about this. And I explained to him that I don't mind if he looks at porn, but I couldn't understand why he feels he needs to talk to others. I just asked him to respect me due to my previous boyfriend's porn addiction. He didn't really give me an answer as to why he did this, and was really defensive and told me to "get over it". Our sex life has declined lately and I practically have to beg for it. He also admits that he is bored with our sex life. He admitted to me that he masturbates to the images a few times a week while I'm not home or sleeping. I feel somewhat trapped and cannot understand why he would go to such lengths to do this. This is the second serious relationship I have been in where internet porn has been the major and only issue. PLEASE HELP!

VictorM's advice:

Porn is not your "major and only issue". You're cheating yourself if you think so. You explained to him what your problems with his behavior were and his answer was "get over it". The attitude behind that answer is your major problem!

It appears that you get attracted to men who don't respect you. And they show it either by telling you "get over it"or by cheating. These men probably carry other baggage but porn or cheating is what you have been able to put your finger on. I bet there's more.

But they are not the issue -- you are! You are overlooking your inability to recognize such men and your preponderance to tolerate their lack of respect for you. Just listen to yourself: you "practically have to beg" for sex. They fuck up and you're the one almost begging.

People keep getting attracted to the same kind of person over and over unless they correct what leads to such attraction. Getting to the bottom of it can be done but you need to see a professional therapist.

Gema, 12, from New Zealand, asks:

hi me again. Look, my friend is jealous of me because max's best friend told me that max hasn't asked me out because he's saving it for my birthday present meanwhile my friend hates me and 2 other guys have asked me out. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

You should start your own reality TV show called "Gema's Jams". Guaranteed drama every week. Just imagine... all this excitment and you're not even a teenager yet.

I think you should date all 3 guys and drive your friend totally nuts with jealousy. I mean, what good is a friend if you can't rub her face in your successes?

Jenn, 12, from N.Y., asks:

I like this guy and my best guy friend is best friends with the guy I like. My guy friend keeps asking me who I like, so I say no one because I'm afraid he might tell the guy I like. Should I tell my best guy friend? I mean I tell him like everything!!

VictorM's advice:

Definitely do not tell your friend that you like his friend. If you do, you might as well rent a plane and fly a banner over your town. Telling would ruin everything. Part of the the fun is not knowing. Keep the fun going longer.

Melanie, 32, from California, asks:

So I've been in two relationships which have both taken up most of my adult life. I've never really dated. After the break up of me and my last boyfriend (rebound from the first) a couple of months went by and I met a guy one night who was definitely someone I'd want to date. Except we drank too much and I jumped the gun and slept with him that night- never done that before. I was shocked when he called me the next day saying he wanted to get to know me better and hang out. So we did. Then the next three weekends he ended up in my neighborhood and each time we hooked up again. Fun times, going to parties, etc., laughing a lot, and ending up in bed each time. No hanging out during the week though or invites to do so. After the last time I didn't hear from him for a whle. I saw him in my hood and he was definitely avoiding me. I asked him about it. He said basically he freaked out because all the partying with me was wearing him thin, etc. I got the message. But then the next weekend he stopped by my work three times, making a point to say I looked cute, he liked what I was wearing, etc. I didn't get all googly eyed for him though because I didn't understand why he was doing that after kind of telling me he didn't want to hang out anymore. You think he still just wants to hook up? He asked me once if I liked him or just wanted to hook up and I said both. Maybe not the right answer cause I really like him, actually, but I didn't want to give him all that info just then. How to handle this kind of thing? I really would like to date him. So should I just risk getting rejected by telling him point blank or is there some better way? Or just let it go?

VictorM's advice:

Tell him straight out. After the quick jumping into bed and all the partying he may need to know for a fact you're serious about him, otherwise, he may be keeping a distance because he's not sure you're more than just a party girl.

In some cases this approach could scare the guy away, but in your case I think you have nothing to lose -- he's already a little scared of something. By saying what you really mean you'll either push him away or pulling him closer. But I think either result is better than the "no man's land" you're on now.

Definitely do not let go. You need closure with this guy or it'll always haunt you.

Anonymous asks:

Victor, I'm dating someone at the moment and well friends are telling me he wants to break up with me, is it something I did? Was it something I said? Or does he just want to. Now I think I have made a wrong decision going out with him and I should have listened to my best friend.

VictorM's advice:

How do you friends know he wants to break-up with you? Maybe they do, but maybe they're full of crap.

If you made a mistake, fix it -- break-up with him.

Trust me, life isn't that complicated.

Amber, 14, from 7.5.7, asks:

I like a guy and he likes me too and I wanna date him but I don't wanna ask him because he told me he doesn't like it when girls ask him out. Plus, I still love my ex and he loves me still but he has another girlfriend and he is moving back to Michigan, which makes me very sad and I don't know what to do. Please help me.

VictorM's advice:

You love your ex-boyfriend and he loves you but you're not together and he has a girlfriend? Am I just missing something or is the world really that complicated?

Look, Summer is here. Go out with friends, go to the park, to the mall, to the movies... jump, run, yell, scream, have crazy fun. You're 14, a glorious age. Enjoy it and forget about smelly boys. The least attention you give them the more attractive you become to them. Come across as needy and you turn them off.

Confused in AZ, 25, asks:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I recently found out he was calling an ex girlfriend, a classmate from high school. He texts and calls her. She has a boyfriend and lives 5 hours away. He tells me that they are just friends and nothing more. This is difficult for me because I found love letters from her talking about her love for him. These letters I found were from the time they broke up. Sometimes when I ask why do you still talk to her? He gets upset we end up arguing. Also, I say to him you haven’t seen her in 5-6 years and all of a sudden you start calling her? Now I don’t know what to say. I’m confused. He knows this bothers me and he still does it. Should I believe him? Are they really just friends? Help.

VictorM's answer:

He doesn't stop calling her even after you object and he can't give you a good reason for doing it. These are not good signs! I don't know what, but there's a good chance something is missing from your relationship, so he's reaching elsewhere. Worry less about her and more about you and him.

Whether he continues to risk fights over "just a friend" or he's still hooked on her that he can't stop calling her, these calls to her are a threat to your relationship. You can't just ignore them. I don't know if by calling her he's reaching for previous feelings or just reaching for a sympathetic voice, but I'm almost sure she's not arguing with him. You should reconsider your approach and stop the arguments. Next time you two talk about this don't accuse him of anything. Start your sentences with "I"... I don't understand... I don't like it... I feel betrayed... I feel cheated... I feel ignored... I feel insecure... etc.

Lorri, 17, from Scotland, asks:

There's this guy in work who flirts a lot with me. I really like him and I'm pretty sure he knows that. Only problem is I'm 17 and he's 24. Do you think there's an age problem?! People have told me to stay away from him as he is known as a "player" and only wants one thing from me. I'm not sure what to do. It's driving me crazy! He acts extremely strange towards me not the same way he acts around other girls for e.g he'll have seen me during the day working and then when I meet him in the canteen he'll say "just starting?" I mean, he knows I've been working since this morning why ask if I'm just starting! He also says things like I'm going home to lie in my comfy bed all alone... how am I suppose to react to that? lol He always stares at me and when I catch him he'll say something bizarre like "Do you have any lip balm I could borrow?" So what do you think, should I give it a go with him?

VictorM's advice:

If the sexual innuendo is something you don't mind, and the job is only temporary, and you're ready to be sexually active, and you disregard the advice of friends, I don't think the age difference as a problem. In Scotland the drinking age is 18 (but not even enforced that seriously), so you can hang out with him at pubs and clubs. Besides, it sounds like you're more mature than he is. So, if age is the "only problem" you want to consider -- although I strongly advise you to consider all others -- I would say age is not a problem.

If you give it a go with him, remember this: stock up on condoms and have more than one birth control method!

Amber, 21, from Florida, asks:

I have been with my 25 year old boyfriend for 15 months. He loves to dance and be in clubs. I personally don't like to dance, so it makes an awkward situation when we go out. He usually will dance by himself, but last night I found him grinding with another girl. I took him outside and asked him what he was doing and told him it bothered me. He didn't seem to care and continued dancing. I ended up leaving without him and now we're fighting because he feels I blew it out of proportion. I'm I right to be upset or was he just having fun?

VictorM's advice:

If you knew when you met him that he liked clubs and dancing, and if you don't dance, what do you expect? Grinding, last time I checked, was part of the dancing scene. And if he does it in front of you chances are he has no malice; sounds like he's only enjoying the dancing.

When he was dancing the first time around he probably was just having fun. But after you told him it bothered you he was at best disrespectful to you, unless he was only dancing the second time around and not grinding. If this was the case, yes, you are blowing it out of proportion. So say you're sorry and make it up to him -- buy him a tutu.

Angie, 44, from Missoure, asks:

I will try to make this short as short as possible. I met the guy nine months ago. Talk about feeling like a princess. He said he had never felt like this with anyone before and I felt the same. I really feel he meant it. I got flowers every 4 weeks, when he was out-of-town, he would call. He wanted to spend every night together and I was the one that even said are you sure. About 8 weeks ago he started to pull away. Not call like he used to when out of town, not as attentive. He would say he would do things and then he would not. I do admit that during this time, I now know that I did the wrong thing. I kept asking him what was wrong and trying to get to act like he used to. One Thursday, we had a disagreement, mainly over him being distant. He did not call me Friday until 10:00 p.m. and had been at a bar. He asked if I wanted to come over and I said no because I was tired and it was late. I was surprised that he even called and when I asked him why he called, he said, because “Maybe because I care”. He said that we would do something Saturday night and that he would call me by noon on Saturday to make plans. By 5:00 p.m. he had not called. I went over and acted like nothing was wrong. He said he did not say we would do anything on Saturday and did not say that he would call. I just could not take it anymore at this point. I told him that I still loved him and if things could be like they were, that I would be the happiest girl in the world, but I can’t go on like this. I left him a letter that basically said the same thing and I pointed out the things that I just could not take anymore. I do believe with all my heart that he really did truly love me. He even wanted to talk marriage early on, but I was not ready. Way too soon for me. It has been two weeks since I left, and I have not heard anything from him. I put this post in “he dumped me”, because even though I left, I feel he was doing the things that he was because he wanted to break up but did not have the strength to do it.

Questions for you guys:

1. Was he becoming more distant and not wanting to talk about it because he wanted to break up and did not have the guts and it was easier to make me mad enough to do it?

2. Do you think that it even bothers him that I left?

3. Do you think that he will think about what he lost and ever contact me again?

4. If I get asked out, would this make it better or worse if he would see me or find out?

Any other wisdom would really help.

Thanks in advance, Flutter

I need your opinion on this, especially the guy!

VictorM's advice:

We all are vulnerable to being "blinded by love" or seeing through "rose colored glasses". Relationships that start with the intensity you describe, more often than not, burn out.

With guys, once we get over that initial jolt of excitement (and it varies from guy to guy how long that lasts), it becomes a real problem to extricate ourselves from it when our feelings change. Guys hate to tell a woman that they don't feel the same way anymore. Partly because we hate to hurt your feelings, partly because we don't want to be accused of having lied just for sex, partly because we don't want to be accused of using you, partly because we don't know if it's just a temporary phase. So... we chicken out, we delay, we procrastinate. Eventually, we look for a good excuse for you to make the move. And voila'! You answered his prayers.

So now I'll answer your questions:

1. Was he becoming more distant and not wanting to talk about it because he wanted to break up and did not have the guts and it was easier to make me mad enough to do it?

Yes! Exactly!

2. Do you think that it even bothers him that I left?

No! He may be worried about you, he may wish you the best, he may feel bad it came to this, but overall he's thanking his lucky stars you bailed him out.

3. Do you think that he will think about what he lost and ever contact me again?

No! He may call to make sure you're OK, or to do whatever he can to not be perceived as a rat, but no matter how wonderful you may be you weren't his "the one", so in his mind, he hasn't lost anything.

4. If I get asked out, would this make it better or worse if he would see me or find out?

If I'm right, he'll be relieved you're dating again.

I need your opinion on this, especially the guy!

Here's my opinion: after a strong, passionate beginning he got over you. It's that simple. It's nothing you did wrong, it's just human nature. But this comes as no surprise to you; that's why you didn't want to marry him so soon. You had the right instincts.

Romance in many ways is like a marathon race; beware of the rabbit who starts too fast.

rein, 27, from india, asks:

I'm married to the love of my life, we were going out for 3 years before we hitched up. Now after almost 3 years, we are still very much in love and fresh together. For the last 2 years or so he has been playing video games online on the net, games like Moto GP and Games Spy etc.. it was fine up until it now seems to be taking up all his free time. He plays every night till the wee hours of the morning and spends all his free time chatting with his clan ( a motor racing clan he joined). Since we both working busy days, evenings are the only time we get together and I need to know how to get him to have a more balanced life with gaming and other activities. I know he realises it himself but goes right back to playing every night. Please help.

VictorM's advice:

Oh boy, I know how he feels. Many years ago my son got his first Gameboy and I used to steal in and hide in the house playing Tetris. I could hear him: "Mom, do you know where my Gameboy is?" while I was hiding in the closet. Ahhh those were fun times. I got really good at Tetris. Anyway... oh yes, you said balance. You females take the fun out of everything. :)

OK, getting serious about it. If you give him a hard time it will backfire on you, so I suggest you refrain from doing it. And if he's forced into spending time with you than your time together won't be much fun.

There is no easy solution, specially if it doesn't come from him. You can help along by planning other activities. Basically, try to slowly get him to spend less time in front of the computer, even if initially it's not just with you. It could be simple things such as cooking his favorite dish but asking that you eat it together. If he likes sports or movies, buy tickets for those activities so you can go together. Go out with his friends to a pub or invite them over your house. You will have to be patient; it's not going to happen overnight.

Say, do they have Victoria's Secret in India? ;)

robin boling, 14, from sheridan ar, asks:

There's this guy Ryan... we went out in 6th grade and in 8th grade and in 7th grade we were just friends but I had a huge crush on him and well by the time I was in the 8th grade he asked me back out close to the end of the school year and well he's a skater and he claims he really loves me and we went out about 3 time after he asked me back out in the 8th grade and he says he would do nothing to hurt me and that he would die for me and anything else but is it worth getting my butt kicked by his ex friend even if I love him? Also, I don't know what to say to a guy when we start going out but if we weren't I'd have all kinds of stuff to talk about. I neeed help big time. Please answer.

VictorM's advice:

If you're not willing to get your butt kicked for love, than it's not love. A good butt kicking in the name of love is a wonderful thing (um... I feel a country western song in there somewhere).

You talk to all guys about the same thing, regardless of your relationship with them.

Amanda, from Md, asks:

From my point of view everything has been great so far. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months now and he's already told me that he thinks he's falling for me. But the other weekend I went with him to a friend of his families graduation party and he introduced me as his "friend". I've never been one to get upset at the little things guys do but for some reason this has been eating away at me. Is my boyfriend embarrassed of me? Are there any guys that can explain this to me? Thank you

VictorM's advice:

If he was embarrassed he wouldn't have taken you. And if he was hiding anything he wouldn't have taken you either.

Have you talked to each other in terms of actually being boyfriend/girlfriend? Have the actual words been said and have you two agreed you are a couple? If not, maybe he didn't want to say something to others that hasn't been said among you two.

The newness of the relationship might have held him back from saying "girlfriend". Maybe he felt he would be asked questions he wasn't interested in answering (people can get very nosey about stuff like that). "Girlfriend" invites lots of personal questions from his guy friends, like "how serious are you?" "any marriage plans?" "how is she in bed?" etc.; "friend" puts those questions off.

But above all, don't let it eat at you -- ask him. But don't ask with an accusatory tone of voice. A simple "I'm curious, why did you introduce me as your friend?" should do. Let him answer. He probably has a better answer than mine.

Angie coats, 17, from Canada, asks:

Ok ..so I was surfing the net to get advice and I came across this site so I'm going to try it .... me and my ex boyfriend where going out for 6 months and we have been broke up for 10 months. I broke up with him because I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and he was way to controlling. Ever since I broke up with him he hasn't left me alone. At parties he's either crying or putting me down in some way or another. He calls and emails me all the time. He's not looking to be friends, he just wants to hurt me and because friends is not enough for him. He is totally obsessed with me and it scares me. Also he's after having sex with all my friends even my best friend and he also cheated on me too. Please give me some advice on how I can get him to get over me... and to stop being a asshole his whole life .. thanks:)

VictorM's advice:

Congratulations for breaking up with him. You recognized his dysfunctional personality and ended it. Good for you. All he's