Thursday, June 28, 2007
I broke up with my ex two months ago
Sarah, 22, from Texas, asks:
I broke up with my ex two months ago because we were unable to sustain our long-distance relationship. Since then I have been in town twice and we had sex both times.
The first time we agreed that it was like a friends-with-benefits thing. The second time was this Friday. I meant to just drive into town for something I needed to pick up and have dinner with him then drive back home. We didn't get dinner until 9 and there was a party at our friends' house so I stayed because I didn't want to drive home late and tipsy.
At one point he sat me down and said that he had been dating a girl for two weeks and hadn't wanted to tell me because he thought it would be awkward. We agreed that we are just friends and that we can share everything with each other. Then later we were talking in a bedroom and he closed the door and kissed me. He always does this!
Well later that night we went back and got in bed to go to sleep. I thought everything would be cool since we kept most of our clothes on. Then he started kissing me again. I told him I didn't want to do anything because I didn't want to be thinking about him for weeks afterward. It's like a yo-yo effect. I finally get OK with being apart and then I see him and he is so great and I can't be OK with it.
So, I caved and we had sex that night and the next morning. Saturday night he called me and apologized and said he felt really bad. I asked him if he felt bad for me or for her and he said for both. We agreed if I visit him and his roommates again then I am sleeping on the couch.
He said he was an asshole but it's so hard for me to tell him that is true. I love him too much to even believe it's true I guess. I don't think they were boyfriend/girlfriend, I think they were just dating and he told me he didn't like the way she treated him. I suppose my question is, am I a skank for doing this? Do you think it is possible for us to remain friends? And the whole reason I broke up with him was that I wanted him to date other people (I was his first girlfriend) so that if we were meant to be, we could settle down without him wondering what might have been. Is this a ridiculous expectation?
VictorM's advice:
You're not a skank, you're a liar.
You can't possibly be so naiveas to think that you can lay in bed with some clothes on and expected nothing would happen -- of course you know what would happen! Come on!
I don't think it's possible for you to be friends without the benefits, specially when you throw yourself into situations that makes it so easy to get physical with each other.
If you want him to date other people, stay out of the way, otherwise, you're cheating yourself. But the whole idea is kinda nutty, if you ask me. I mean, he likes you, you like him. Why play games?
Yes, games. Just look at your submission. You start by saying you broke up because you couldn't sustain the long-distance relationship but you finish by saying you wanted him to date other girls to see if you were meant for each other. So, come on, what was your real motivation? And you knew very well you'd wind up in bed with him both times you visited. And next time you'll sleep in the couch... come on! You're playing too many games with the guy.
You're playing with fire; you know what happens when people do that.
I broke up with my ex two months ago because we were unable to sustain our long-distance relationship. Since then I have been in town twice and we had sex both times.
The first time we agreed that it was like a friends-with-benefits thing. The second time was this Friday. I meant to just drive into town for something I needed to pick up and have dinner with him then drive back home. We didn't get dinner until 9 and there was a party at our friends' house so I stayed because I didn't want to drive home late and tipsy.
At one point he sat me down and said that he had been dating a girl for two weeks and hadn't wanted to tell me because he thought it would be awkward. We agreed that we are just friends and that we can share everything with each other. Then later we were talking in a bedroom and he closed the door and kissed me. He always does this!
Well later that night we went back and got in bed to go to sleep. I thought everything would be cool since we kept most of our clothes on. Then he started kissing me again. I told him I didn't want to do anything because I didn't want to be thinking about him for weeks afterward. It's like a yo-yo effect. I finally get OK with being apart and then I see him and he is so great and I can't be OK with it.
So, I caved and we had sex that night and the next morning. Saturday night he called me and apologized and said he felt really bad. I asked him if he felt bad for me or for her and he said for both. We agreed if I visit him and his roommates again then I am sleeping on the couch.
He said he was an asshole but it's so hard for me to tell him that is true. I love him too much to even believe it's true I guess. I don't think they were boyfriend/girlfriend, I think they were just dating and he told me he didn't like the way she treated him. I suppose my question is, am I a skank for doing this? Do you think it is possible for us to remain friends? And the whole reason I broke up with him was that I wanted him to date other people (I was his first girlfriend) so that if we were meant to be, we could settle down without him wondering what might have been. Is this a ridiculous expectation?
VictorM's advice:
You're not a skank, you're a liar.
You can't possibly be so naiveas to think that you can lay in bed with some clothes on and expected nothing would happen -- of course you know what would happen! Come on!
I don't think it's possible for you to be friends without the benefits, specially when you throw yourself into situations that makes it so easy to get physical with each other.
If you want him to date other people, stay out of the way, otherwise, you're cheating yourself. But the whole idea is kinda nutty, if you ask me. I mean, he likes you, you like him. Why play games?
Yes, games. Just look at your submission. You start by saying you broke up because you couldn't sustain the long-distance relationship but you finish by saying you wanted him to date other girls to see if you were meant for each other. So, come on, what was your real motivation? And you knew very well you'd wind up in bed with him both times you visited. And next time you'll sleep in the couch... come on! You're playing too many games with the guy.
You're playing with fire; you know what happens when people do that.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
I started falling for someone else
Kailey, 13, from Cali, asks:
Wow, I just love talking to you! Thanks so much for answering all my previous questions.
I've been talking to Jorge a little, but not a lot. It's been nice, but of course, I started falling for someone else. (yes, I am very busy :] )
His name is Ryan and during the school year, almost all my classes were with him. We were always just friends, but one day, my friend had a beach party (Tiffany) and he went along with my friend Dylanne (it is pronounced Dylan but yes, it's a girl!) who likes Ryan! Anyways, at the beach I just happened to mostly hang out with him. At one point, everyone else was in the water and we were sitting far away on the sand, just us and his friend Cody. Whenever Dylanne WAS there, she was always talking to him instead of me, and flirting and everything. He acted normal, but I wasn't sure if he liked her too. All I know is that they text each other a lot, and I do not have texting..
The next night, Ryan, Cody, and I met at a soccer field close to our houses and just hung out. It was really nice - and he seemed to act a lot more caring. He didn't seem to try and impress anyone.
But I have also heard his past girlfriends haven't been too serious, and didn't last long.
Does he like me?
If so, would our relationship last long?
If it doesn't, would we be friends after?
VictorM's advice:
You're 13, you're suppose to be a busy girl in this department.
Of course his girlfriends haven't been serious -- you're all around 13! :-p
Of course he likes you. Doesn't everyone?
Your relationship would last until you fall for someone else. At your pace, that would be next Tuesday.
Would he still be friends after? There's only one way to find out. So... go get him!
PS. Thanks for your kind words.
Wow, I just love talking to you! Thanks so much for answering all my previous questions.
I've been talking to Jorge a little, but not a lot. It's been nice, but of course, I started falling for someone else. (yes, I am very busy :] )
His name is Ryan and during the school year, almost all my classes were with him. We were always just friends, but one day, my friend had a beach party (Tiffany) and he went along with my friend Dylanne (it is pronounced Dylan but yes, it's a girl!) who likes Ryan! Anyways, at the beach I just happened to mostly hang out with him. At one point, everyone else was in the water and we were sitting far away on the sand, just us and his friend Cody. Whenever Dylanne WAS there, she was always talking to him instead of me, and flirting and everything. He acted normal, but I wasn't sure if he liked her too. All I know is that they text each other a lot, and I do not have texting..
The next night, Ryan, Cody, and I met at a soccer field close to our houses and just hung out. It was really nice - and he seemed to act a lot more caring. He didn't seem to try and impress anyone.
But I have also heard his past girlfriends haven't been too serious, and didn't last long.
Does he like me?
If so, would our relationship last long?
If it doesn't, would we be friends after?
VictorM's advice:
You're 13, you're suppose to be a busy girl in this department.
Of course his girlfriends haven't been serious -- you're all around 13! :-p
Of course he likes you. Doesn't everyone?
Your relationship would last until you fall for someone else. At your pace, that would be next Tuesday.
Would he still be friends after? There's only one way to find out. So... go get him!
PS. Thanks for your kind words.
I met a much, much younger man
Jennifer, 30, from Washington, asks:
I met a much, much younger man while deployed, he initiated the relationship, we clicked we spent a lot of time together for about 6 months which included talking for hours on end, grieving lost friends and amazing sex. It also included him telling me about other female friends and every once in a while he would blurt out something rude out of the blue, completely unprovoked like "its not like I love you" or "it's just sex, we're not making love" which hurt but I just ignored him and chalked it up to immaturity. After returning home, surprisingly we kept in regular contact. Prior to returning home we never really discussed the future of our relationship because we lived so far away from each other I thought we both assumed that an exclusive relationship was not feasible. Now after many months of being home I am really falling for this guy and am not quite sure what to do. He tells me I am the best sex he has ever had, no other women compare, gets very specific. Please keep in mind I do not contact him, I am a driven and educated person, I figured if he wants to talk to me he will contact me. Sometimes, he's sweet and open, other times he gets so arrogant sometimes and starts talking about how all his friends want him to hook up with a certain person, or essentially how great he is. I know he has a ton of female friends that worship him and that he keeps in much closer contact with them he does with me. He invites them to visit him in Germany and goes and visits them. I know that he has a history with these females. Despite telling him he is always welcome to visit me, he has never come and has never invited me to visit him. I know what all the signs point to, but a couple of things I don't understand. Why does he keep contacting me if he's not that interested in me? I understand that it could just be a sex thing, but with all that we went through together? If it's just about the sex, can't he get that anywhere? Why does it have to be sex with me? And if it has to be sex with me, isn't there a little more to the relationship then just sex?
VictorM's advice:
There is one more thing besides sex -- his ego. And that's what this is all about.
The sex part is clear. He got it with you, he's getting it from a "ton of female friends", and his friends are always trying to hook him up. He obviously likes to brag, which leads to the point below.
His ego enjoys talking to you because even when it was just about sex, you still wanted him. He talks about other girls and you accept it. You're falling for him and he feels it. He's rude to you and you make excuses for him. Basically, he makes one phone call to you and he feels like a king.
In short, he's an egomaniac and you're a human mat -- from his point of view, it's a match made in heaven and one that he has complete control over.
I met a much, much younger man while deployed, he initiated the relationship, we clicked we spent a lot of time together for about 6 months which included talking for hours on end, grieving lost friends and amazing sex. It also included him telling me about other female friends and every once in a while he would blurt out something rude out of the blue, completely unprovoked like "its not like I love you" or "it's just sex, we're not making love" which hurt but I just ignored him and chalked it up to immaturity. After returning home, surprisingly we kept in regular contact. Prior to returning home we never really discussed the future of our relationship because we lived so far away from each other I thought we both assumed that an exclusive relationship was not feasible. Now after many months of being home I am really falling for this guy and am not quite sure what to do. He tells me I am the best sex he has ever had, no other women compare, gets very specific. Please keep in mind I do not contact him, I am a driven and educated person, I figured if he wants to talk to me he will contact me. Sometimes, he's sweet and open, other times he gets so arrogant sometimes and starts talking about how all his friends want him to hook up with a certain person, or essentially how great he is. I know he has a ton of female friends that worship him and that he keeps in much closer contact with them he does with me. He invites them to visit him in Germany and goes and visits them. I know that he has a history with these females. Despite telling him he is always welcome to visit me, he has never come and has never invited me to visit him. I know what all the signs point to, but a couple of things I don't understand. Why does he keep contacting me if he's not that interested in me? I understand that it could just be a sex thing, but with all that we went through together? If it's just about the sex, can't he get that anywhere? Why does it have to be sex with me? And if it has to be sex with me, isn't there a little more to the relationship then just sex?
VictorM's advice:
There is one more thing besides sex -- his ego. And that's what this is all about.
The sex part is clear. He got it with you, he's getting it from a "ton of female friends", and his friends are always trying to hook him up. He obviously likes to brag, which leads to the point below.
His ego enjoys talking to you because even when it was just about sex, you still wanted him. He talks about other girls and you accept it. You're falling for him and he feels it. He's rude to you and you make excuses for him. Basically, he makes one phone call to you and he feels like a king.
In short, he's an egomaniac and you're a human mat -- from his point of view, it's a match made in heaven and one that he has complete control over.
I think he's bored
Gema, 12, from New Zealand, asks:
hi victor me again. I'm starting to think Max doesn't like me. I mean he's still being really nice and all but I think he's bored. What can I do to change this? I'm mostly quite fun and outgoing.
VictorM's advice:
He's not getting bored, it just seems that way because he's no match for you in the fun department. Don't sell yourself short -- you're the almighty, fabulous Gema. It'll take special guys to rate in your world.
Max is like an old pair of shoes; comfy but no pizazz! Oh well, sucks to be him. Move on to your next victim... huh... you know what I mean. :)
hi victor me again. I'm starting to think Max doesn't like me. I mean he's still being really nice and all but I think he's bored. What can I do to change this? I'm mostly quite fun and outgoing.
VictorM's advice:
He's not getting bored, it just seems that way because he's no match for you in the fun department. Don't sell yourself short -- you're the almighty, fabulous Gema. It'll take special guys to rate in your world.
Max is like an old pair of shoes; comfy but no pizazz! Oh well, sucks to be him. Move on to your next victim... huh... you know what I mean. :)
Walnut: I do feel much better now
Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:
Hi Victor,
I have moved to a 1 bedroom apartment. This is a new home for future baby and I. I do feel leaving the old house is a wise move. Now I got on well with my new job. My boss really like my hard work. My job will be secured after maternity leave. Although money is a bit tight at the moment, but the financial stress for the past few month has gone. Leaving him, I don't have stress from the relationship. I do feel much better now. Baby still have 6-8 weeks to go. Living alone sometimes would be a bit lonely. The past happy memory with him comes up from time to time. I just can't help myself hoping we will sort things out and be together again. But he don't love me anymore and have a new relationship now. He won't have time to think about the past. I know there is no chance we will be together again. How can I stop that hope? If I have this expectation, things don't happen. I am still disappointed and upset, although I understand that's something out of my control.
VictorM's advice:
I'm glad to hear you moved and are doing OK.
You ask: "How can I stop that hope?" Why should you stop the hope? You had dreams of a great, loving family. That's a terrible dream to give up. It hurts. You don't want it to be. It would take a cold, indifferent person to not feel bad about losing it. If anything, this says you're a good person, one who aspires to provide her child with a happy family environment. So, don't feel bad for still hanging on to that hope.
But you were brave and you moved on. And you will continue to be brave. Your baby will come. You'll have happy days and sad days, and you'll come to understand that a child doesn't need an unloving father to be happy. You can provide that child with all the love and affection he/she will need to be happy.
Meanwhile, keep hope alive. You may think there's only one way to make your dreams come true but the future is full of endless possibilities and often our dreams get fulfilled in ways we never imagined possible.
Best of luck and keep us posted.
Hi Victor,
I have moved to a 1 bedroom apartment. This is a new home for future baby and I. I do feel leaving the old house is a wise move. Now I got on well with my new job. My boss really like my hard work. My job will be secured after maternity leave. Although money is a bit tight at the moment, but the financial stress for the past few month has gone. Leaving him, I don't have stress from the relationship. I do feel much better now. Baby still have 6-8 weeks to go. Living alone sometimes would be a bit lonely. The past happy memory with him comes up from time to time. I just can't help myself hoping we will sort things out and be together again. But he don't love me anymore and have a new relationship now. He won't have time to think about the past. I know there is no chance we will be together again. How can I stop that hope? If I have this expectation, things don't happen. I am still disappointed and upset, although I understand that's something out of my control.
VictorM's advice:
I'm glad to hear you moved and are doing OK.
You ask: "How can I stop that hope?" Why should you stop the hope? You had dreams of a great, loving family. That's a terrible dream to give up. It hurts. You don't want it to be. It would take a cold, indifferent person to not feel bad about losing it. If anything, this says you're a good person, one who aspires to provide her child with a happy family environment. So, don't feel bad for still hanging on to that hope.
But you were brave and you moved on. And you will continue to be brave. Your baby will come. You'll have happy days and sad days, and you'll come to understand that a child doesn't need an unloving father to be happy. You can provide that child with all the love and affection he/she will need to be happy.
Meanwhile, keep hope alive. You may think there's only one way to make your dreams come true but the future is full of endless possibilities and often our dreams get fulfilled in ways we never imagined possible.
Best of luck and keep us posted.
He has still not told his friend we are together
Leigh, 28, from New Zealand, asks:
I wrote in previously about dating my ex's mate. This guy has now asked me to go out with him officially and has told me that he loves me, but he has still not told his friend we are together, it has been over two months now. I have confronted him about it several times. On Saturday night I was at his place and we made plans to have dinner together and hang out. Then my ex text him asking him over for a few drinks and he said yes. So I went to leave stating that I was mad and he got upset and rang my ex back and cancelled. What do I do? I feel insecure because he says he hasn't had the courage to tell my ex!
VictorM's advice:
I remember your previous question well. I remember saying he should tell his friend right away what's going on. I still think it's the right thing to do but I have to say, I feel for your boyfriend. He fears he will end a very precious friendship. Not only that one friendship, but it's likely that if your ex gets upset, many other friends may also give him the cold shoulder or even cease being his friend.
Give him some slack; this is a very difficult and tormenting moment for your boyfriend. Support him. Be understanding. Be a little patient. Let him choose the timing (within reason). If you pressure him and things go really bad with most of his friends, you will suffer as well. So let it be his timing. When it impacts your relationship, as it did when he got the call from your ex and was willing to go, speak your mind as you did. He did the right thing to call back and cancel.
I think he needs to feel stronger about his relationship with you before he risks losing his best friend and maybe others. Seems like a prudent thing to do.
I realize that this advice may seem to contradict what I told you last time, but I read it again and I don't think it does. As I said the last time, I still think the right thing to do, and best thing to do, is for your boyfriend to tell your ex what's going one. I'm still saying the same thing but now I'm also considering how difficult a task it is for him. It's easy for me to say do something because I don't have to be the one doing it. Last time I called him a coward but I think it speaks well of him that has admitted he lacks the courage; that admission in itself takes courage.
I wrote in previously about dating my ex's mate. This guy has now asked me to go out with him officially and has told me that he loves me, but he has still not told his friend we are together, it has been over two months now. I have confronted him about it several times. On Saturday night I was at his place and we made plans to have dinner together and hang out. Then my ex text him asking him over for a few drinks and he said yes. So I went to leave stating that I was mad and he got upset and rang my ex back and cancelled. What do I do? I feel insecure because he says he hasn't had the courage to tell my ex!
VictorM's advice:
I remember your previous question well. I remember saying he should tell his friend right away what's going on. I still think it's the right thing to do but I have to say, I feel for your boyfriend. He fears he will end a very precious friendship. Not only that one friendship, but it's likely that if your ex gets upset, many other friends may also give him the cold shoulder or even cease being his friend.
Give him some slack; this is a very difficult and tormenting moment for your boyfriend. Support him. Be understanding. Be a little patient. Let him choose the timing (within reason). If you pressure him and things go really bad with most of his friends, you will suffer as well. So let it be his timing. When it impacts your relationship, as it did when he got the call from your ex and was willing to go, speak your mind as you did. He did the right thing to call back and cancel.
I think he needs to feel stronger about his relationship with you before he risks losing his best friend and maybe others. Seems like a prudent thing to do.
I realize that this advice may seem to contradict what I told you last time, but I read it again and I don't think it does. As I said the last time, I still think the right thing to do, and best thing to do, is for your boyfriend to tell your ex what's going one. I'm still saying the same thing but now I'm also considering how difficult a task it is for him. It's easy for me to say do something because I don't have to be the one doing it. Last time I called him a coward but I think it speaks well of him that has admitted he lacks the courage; that admission in itself takes courage.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
The gift
susan, 25, from maryland, asks:
I am having a sexual relationship with this guy for 2 years now, but he has a girlfriend. I like him and he says he likes me, now it's his birthday and I want to get him something but what?
VictorM's advice:
Buy him a small box and a nice red bow, and in it put an ounce of decency. He needs it. Buy youself some too.
I am having a sexual relationship with this guy for 2 years now, but he has a girlfriend. I like him and he says he likes me, now it's his birthday and I want to get him something but what?
VictorM's advice:
Buy him a small box and a nice red bow, and in it put an ounce of decency. He needs it. Buy youself some too.
Monday, June 25, 2007
He was an imbecile
Alice H, 17, from USA, asks:
So I'm talking to this guy on the phone, and he has made a reference to me liking him (in joke form). I kinda do, but what's holding me back from liking him more is:
1) he is my best friend's ex and at the end of the relationship he was an imbecile
2) he proceeds to be 'bitter' over their relationships still and calls her names - in which I tell him to stop
3) he tells me these outlandish stories at 1 am, then when I bring them back up later, he says something like "what? I must have been half asleep" and then tells me the 'truth'
4) he proceeds to tell me how he would still try to sleep with a friend of mine (and another girl) if he could because he never got the chance.
So, what am asking is he really even interested in me? And after the story telling, no respect for a girl he loved, and speaking of sleeping with other girls, is he even worth it?
I'm leaning towards 'hell no'.
VictorM's advice:
You have seen this guy's true colors, so I'm surprised you're still leaning. Besides, he talks to you like you're one of the guys. That's not a sign of someone who's interested in you. Lucky you!
You called him an imbecile; you can double that for yourself if you pursue him.
So I'm talking to this guy on the phone, and he has made a reference to me liking him (in joke form). I kinda do, but what's holding me back from liking him more is:
1) he is my best friend's ex and at the end of the relationship he was an imbecile
2) he proceeds to be 'bitter' over their relationships still and calls her names - in which I tell him to stop
3) he tells me these outlandish stories at 1 am, then when I bring them back up later, he says something like "what? I must have been half asleep" and then tells me the 'truth'
4) he proceeds to tell me how he would still try to sleep with a friend of mine (and another girl) if he could because he never got the chance.
So, what am asking is he really even interested in me? And after the story telling, no respect for a girl he loved, and speaking of sleeping with other girls, is he even worth it?
I'm leaning towards 'hell no'.
VictorM's advice:
You have seen this guy's true colors, so I'm surprised you're still leaning. Besides, he talks to you like you're one of the guys. That's not a sign of someone who's interested in you. Lucky you!
You called him an imbecile; you can double that for yourself if you pursue him.
I can't have sex with my boyfriend anymore
Becky, 23, from USA, asks:
I can't have sex with my boyfriend anymore or masturbate after he described how awesome his ex girlfriend's squirting cum was and I can't get it out of my head. What am I to do?
VictorM's advice:
Before I say anything else, I want to make it clear that I think your boyfriend is not the brightest crayon in the box; in fact, he's a major ass. OK, with that out of the way, let me give it shot here.
Are you thinking that because he liked the squirting he won't like a girl that doesn't squirt? If so, that's utter nonsense and I hope you realize it. For example, it's totally normal for a guy to find long hair on a girl sexy, but also find short hair on another girl equally as sexy. Or to like one girl's big boobs and to like another girl's small, perky ones. Same applies to varying degrees of wetness between girls.
It's totally likely that he thinks that one girl who squirted was awesome, and another who doesn't is equally as awesome. Most people don't think of lovers in their life as "better or worse" in bed; in most cases, they're simply different from one another and each one exciting in their own way.
And thanks to your question I can't get out of my head what a mess this girl must leave behind. I just hope Glad makes bed sheets too. It's one thing to have to wear condoms during sex, but a poncho and swimming goggles too? :-p
I can't have sex with my boyfriend anymore or masturbate after he described how awesome his ex girlfriend's squirting cum was and I can't get it out of my head. What am I to do?
VictorM's advice:
Before I say anything else, I want to make it clear that I think your boyfriend is not the brightest crayon in the box; in fact, he's a major ass. OK, with that out of the way, let me give it shot here.
Are you thinking that because he liked the squirting he won't like a girl that doesn't squirt? If so, that's utter nonsense and I hope you realize it. For example, it's totally normal for a guy to find long hair on a girl sexy, but also find short hair on another girl equally as sexy. Or to like one girl's big boobs and to like another girl's small, perky ones. Same applies to varying degrees of wetness between girls.
It's totally likely that he thinks that one girl who squirted was awesome, and another who doesn't is equally as awesome. Most people don't think of lovers in their life as "better or worse" in bed; in most cases, they're simply different from one another and each one exciting in their own way.
And thanks to your question I can't get out of my head what a mess this girl must leave behind. I just hope Glad makes bed sheets too. It's one thing to have to wear condoms during sex, but a poncho and swimming goggles too? :-p
Sunday, June 24, 2007
He says our relationship needs work
sweettart, 34, from us, asks:
I have been in a relationship with a manly man for 5 years. We live with his 2 kids. He does little with them, goes to the bar 5 nights a week, works hard. He says our relationship needs work but doesn't want to DO anything to make it better. He doesn't cuddle because"that's just the way he is". He knows I have needs but "just can't help me because that's just how he is" so basically he brings home money and leaves. He doesn't seem to care how I feel, he expects me to wait on him ( take his boots off, get his drink, serve his dinner) but I am working full time, going to school, and trying to take care of the kids, plus visit mine 60 miles one way. Our finances suck, his tab runs 300 a month but that's his stress relief. I am resentful and tired. What can I do to get his help? Will he ever appreciate what I do? What can I do to make this work...I am out of ideas... What is going through his head?
VictorM's advice:
I assume that when you met him he didn't cuddle, was already a manly man, enjoyed bars, in short, he is now the way he was when you met him. I can't imagine the kind of man you describe being that much different before you hooked up with him. So, what this tells me is you knew exactly what you were getting into. You made a mistake before and now you want him to change to correct your mistake. You should look for a job in the Bush administration -- you'd fit right in!
He is the way it is. He doesn't apologize for it. He doesn't mislead you about it. He's letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that the door is open. The real question here is why haven't you walked out? Why don't you leave?
Stop complaining because your inability to do what's best for you matches his unwillingness to change. But at least he's being true to himself, which is more than we can say for you.
I have been in a relationship with a manly man for 5 years. We live with his 2 kids. He does little with them, goes to the bar 5 nights a week, works hard. He says our relationship needs work but doesn't want to DO anything to make it better. He doesn't cuddle because"that's just the way he is". He knows I have needs but "just can't help me because that's just how he is" so basically he brings home money and leaves. He doesn't seem to care how I feel, he expects me to wait on him ( take his boots off, get his drink, serve his dinner) but I am working full time, going to school, and trying to take care of the kids, plus visit mine 60 miles one way. Our finances suck, his tab runs 300 a month but that's his stress relief. I am resentful and tired. What can I do to get his help? Will he ever appreciate what I do? What can I do to make this work...I am out of ideas... What is going through his head?
VictorM's advice:
I assume that when you met him he didn't cuddle, was already a manly man, enjoyed bars, in short, he is now the way he was when you met him. I can't imagine the kind of man you describe being that much different before you hooked up with him. So, what this tells me is you knew exactly what you were getting into. You made a mistake before and now you want him to change to correct your mistake. You should look for a job in the Bush administration -- you'd fit right in!
He is the way it is. He doesn't apologize for it. He doesn't mislead you about it. He's letting you know, in no uncertain terms, that the door is open. The real question here is why haven't you walked out? Why don't you leave?
Stop complaining because your inability to do what's best for you matches his unwillingness to change. But at least he's being true to himself, which is more than we can say for you.
I have just started sleeping with a guy
Katherine, 33, from London, asks:
Hi Victor... I have just started sleeping with a guy I've known for a few months, with whom I have had amazing chemistry since we first met. The chemistry is still fantastic, the sex itself is great but the foreplay is very ordinary. How do I (gently) guide him, so as not to offend but to improve things for both of us? Advice needed!...Katherine.
VictorM's advice:
Very common problem indeed. Well, don't say it to him very overtly. Guys generally don't handle that sort of comment very well. But you can't stay quiet either otherwise he'll never know what you like.
Just bring it up in terms of "something I'd like to try with you, honey". So, whatever it is that you'd like, present it to him in terms of an experiment. For example, if you want want candles, soft music, and to dress in sexy clothes, with a lot more touching and kissing before the sex, set up the scene... say it, "tonight we're going to take it easier". If he starts getting a little aggressive, joke with comments like "slow down, big boy". The point is, set the mood you'd like and then guide him along. Now, the first few times it may seem like more work than you'd like, but unless he's an idiot, he'll want to please you and you'll both benefit in the long run.
Just make sure to express how much you're enjoying things when they are indeed at a pace you like, and reward him with compliments. If you stroke his ego when he does things you like, he'll do them more often. It's that simple.
Some might say that straight communication is better. That is, sitting down with him and telling him that you want better foreplay. But saying you want "better foreplay" means nothing. Do what, for how long? It's very subjective. He'll just look at you like a deer in headlights. Also, if you talk about it in too much detail beforehand, the foreplay will feel like "fuck by numbers" kind of exercise -- not very romantic, is it?
Guiding him to what you like done and at the pace you prefer is the best way to go. Most guys really do want to please their lover. So guide him along. And praise him when he gets it right.
Hi Victor... I have just started sleeping with a guy I've known for a few months, with whom I have had amazing chemistry since we first met. The chemistry is still fantastic, the sex itself is great but the foreplay is very ordinary. How do I (gently) guide him, so as not to offend but to improve things for both of us? Advice needed!...Katherine.
VictorM's advice:
Very common problem indeed. Well, don't say it to him very overtly. Guys generally don't handle that sort of comment very well. But you can't stay quiet either otherwise he'll never know what you like.
Just bring it up in terms of "something I'd like to try with you, honey". So, whatever it is that you'd like, present it to him in terms of an experiment. For example, if you want want candles, soft music, and to dress in sexy clothes, with a lot more touching and kissing before the sex, set up the scene... say it, "tonight we're going to take it easier". If he starts getting a little aggressive, joke with comments like "slow down, big boy". The point is, set the mood you'd like and then guide him along. Now, the first few times it may seem like more work than you'd like, but unless he's an idiot, he'll want to please you and you'll both benefit in the long run.
Just make sure to express how much you're enjoying things when they are indeed at a pace you like, and reward him with compliments. If you stroke his ego when he does things you like, he'll do them more often. It's that simple.
Some might say that straight communication is better. That is, sitting down with him and telling him that you want better foreplay. But saying you want "better foreplay" means nothing. Do what, for how long? It's very subjective. He'll just look at you like a deer in headlights. Also, if you talk about it in too much detail beforehand, the foreplay will feel like "fuck by numbers" kind of exercise -- not very romantic, is it?
Guiding him to what you like done and at the pace you prefer is the best way to go. Most guys really do want to please their lover. So guide him along. And praise him when he gets it right.
He doesn't necessarily want to get married
Jessica, 26, from California, asks:
I have been dating my boyfriend for the past 2 years. We have lived together for 1 year. I want to get married and I've expressed this. He doesn't necessarily want to get married since he feels that we shouldn't have to have a paper to get everything official. However, he says we will and he'll ask me when I don't bring it up . . . he wants to surprise me . . . He's 30 (we live together, own a home together) Will he ask me or is this a just a cop-out??
VictorM's advice:
You live and own a home together. I doubt he would get that far if he wanted to cop-out. He will ask you.
Sounds like he wants to surprise you, but you seem bent on spoiling it. You've already told him that marriage is important to you. Now back off, woman. Your timetable is not the only one that matters. Give the guy the chance to make you cry when he pops the question when you least expect it.
I have been dating my boyfriend for the past 2 years. We have lived together for 1 year. I want to get married and I've expressed this. He doesn't necessarily want to get married since he feels that we shouldn't have to have a paper to get everything official. However, he says we will and he'll ask me when I don't bring it up . . . he wants to surprise me . . . He's 30 (we live together, own a home together) Will he ask me or is this a just a cop-out??
VictorM's advice:
You live and own a home together. I doubt he would get that far if he wanted to cop-out. He will ask you.
Sounds like he wants to surprise you, but you seem bent on spoiling it. You've already told him that marriage is important to you. Now back off, woman. Your timetable is not the only one that matters. Give the guy the chance to make you cry when he pops the question when you least expect it.
I'm totally crushed!
Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:
There’s this girl who I’m sort of friends with, S, who likes the same guy as I do (we’ll call him R). A while ago, something bad happened between me and R. Eventually it was sorted out, but before then, I told all my friends (including S) that I was over R so they wouldn’t worry about me, even though I wasn’t over him at all. S talked about asking R out a bunch in the past, but everyone thought she was kidding until she actually did it yesterday, the last day of school. She asked him out and he said maybe and gave her his cell number. Since none of my friends knew I still liked R, everyone was really excited for S. Now it’s summer, no more school, and I’m totally crushed! How much of a chance is there that R will decide to not go out with S? How can I talk to him about this without making him uncomfortable? Since it’s summer, it would be really hard for to get in contact with him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I hope you learn about being less than honest, although frankly, I don't blame you too much. You were just trying to spare yourself from all the pity.
He told S "maybe". "Maybe" is the guy word for "you have as much chance of going out with me as Paris Hilton has of winning a Nobel prize." He wants you and will come back determined to get you. How do I know? Because you've become a challenge and he wants to win you back.
So, have a great time during the Summer and when R comes back, stop fighting with the guy, will ya? Meanwhile enjoy knowing that S doesn't stand a chance with him (but don't tell that to anyone. Let's keep it our secret).
There’s this girl who I’m sort of friends with, S, who likes the same guy as I do (we’ll call him R). A while ago, something bad happened between me and R. Eventually it was sorted out, but before then, I told all my friends (including S) that I was over R so they wouldn’t worry about me, even though I wasn’t over him at all. S talked about asking R out a bunch in the past, but everyone thought she was kidding until she actually did it yesterday, the last day of school. She asked him out and he said maybe and gave her his cell number. Since none of my friends knew I still liked R, everyone was really excited for S. Now it’s summer, no more school, and I’m totally crushed! How much of a chance is there that R will decide to not go out with S? How can I talk to him about this without making him uncomfortable? Since it’s summer, it would be really hard for to get in contact with him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I hope you learn about being less than honest, although frankly, I don't blame you too much. You were just trying to spare yourself from all the pity.
He told S "maybe". "Maybe" is the guy word for "you have as much chance of going out with me as Paris Hilton has of winning a Nobel prize." He wants you and will come back determined to get you. How do I know? Because you've become a challenge and he wants to win you back.
So, have a great time during the Summer and when R comes back, stop fighting with the guy, will ya? Meanwhile enjoy knowing that S doesn't stand a chance with him (but don't tell that to anyone. Let's keep it our secret).
I wasn't honest enough
Youssa, 19, from Egypt, asks:
We were together, we were doing great. He broke up with me cause I wasn't honest enough and he didn't like lies at all. We're still in love, we steal moments to be together, but he says he can't be with someone he doesn't trust although he knows I changed!
VictorM's advice:
You changed? I don't believe you. Obviously, neither does he.
People who feel the need to lie do it for a reason. They just don't get up one day and decide they're going to stop lying. The lying covers some deeper problem, like shame, guilt, insecurity, etc. So unless you dig deeper and find out what compels you to lie, I wouldn't believe you either.
We were together, we were doing great. He broke up with me cause I wasn't honest enough and he didn't like lies at all. We're still in love, we steal moments to be together, but he says he can't be with someone he doesn't trust although he knows I changed!
VictorM's advice:
You changed? I don't believe you. Obviously, neither does he.
People who feel the need to lie do it for a reason. They just don't get up one day and decide they're going to stop lying. The lying covers some deeper problem, like shame, guilt, insecurity, etc. So unless you dig deeper and find out what compels you to lie, I wouldn't believe you either.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
kickboxing class
racheal, 16, from TX, asks:
I like this guy in my kickboxing class but he's very shy. He always looks at me then looks away. I feel like he likes me but is too shy to say it. He gets very nervous around me, which makes it hard to talk. I don't really want to be the one to make the first move as I'm shy too. He's making progress just not as quick as I would like. I'm afraid if I ask I'll scare him and I don't think he has a girlfriend but I'm not sure. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask him. You probably wouldn't have the nerve anyway. Boys around your age quite commonly have many crushes and they love to fantasize about them. Often, when a girl says yes or expresses her feelings, it's not as much fun as the fantasy. A few days ago Mariana posted the lyrics of a Spanish song that speak to that... he fantasizes about you saying Yes, but for other reasons he wants you to say No. Basically, he'll do things at his own pace, stretching out the mental seduction.
You can help him along by talking to him more and spending more time with him. To do that, you should try to find out a couple of things he either loves to do or is very knowledgeable about, and then ask open-ended questions on those topics. Let's say you find out he loves video games. Don't ask: "So you love video games?" You'll get a "yes" and nothing more. But if you ask something like: "What is it about video game A that you like so much?" A better question still is one that prompts him to help you. Say: "I play game X and I can never get the hang of doing Y. Can you show me how?"
Be careful what you wish for. Even shy guys can become motor-mouths once they're talking about topics they can impress you with.
I like this guy in my kickboxing class but he's very shy. He always looks at me then looks away. I feel like he likes me but is too shy to say it. He gets very nervous around me, which makes it hard to talk. I don't really want to be the one to make the first move as I'm shy too. He's making progress just not as quick as I would like. I'm afraid if I ask I'll scare him and I don't think he has a girlfriend but I'm not sure. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask him. You probably wouldn't have the nerve anyway. Boys around your age quite commonly have many crushes and they love to fantasize about them. Often, when a girl says yes or expresses her feelings, it's not as much fun as the fantasy. A few days ago Mariana posted the lyrics of a Spanish song that speak to that... he fantasizes about you saying Yes, but for other reasons he wants you to say No. Basically, he'll do things at his own pace, stretching out the mental seduction.
You can help him along by talking to him more and spending more time with him. To do that, you should try to find out a couple of things he either loves to do or is very knowledgeable about, and then ask open-ended questions on those topics. Let's say you find out he loves video games. Don't ask: "So you love video games?" You'll get a "yes" and nothing more. But if you ask something like: "What is it about video game A that you like so much?" A better question still is one that prompts him to help you. Say: "I play game X and I can never get the hang of doing Y. Can you show me how?"
Be careful what you wish for. Even shy guys can become motor-mouths once they're talking about topics they can impress you with.
A guy in my lecture
Tara, 19, from Norwich, asks:
There is a guy in my lecture who I met 5 months ago. After 2 lectures he asked me for my email address. A few days later he emailed me his number. I messaged him mine and we've been texting since.
He was good with texts at first, yet only called twice. Of which once on the phone he was making a haaagh/ough noise- I said-what’s that noise- he just said he makes that noise when he’s tired!! Whatever??! Like a month ago his texts got less frequent and saying late reply as busy and that. Recently, he said he’s lousy with texts but also said he loads so deletes them all. I have asked him twice before if he wanted to do something but he replied too late or had work. As I was leaving my uni for summer, he asked if he could come over, I always said he should come over and see what halls are like. It was a bit awkward when he came. We went to get some food then when back, he finally just kissed me. We kissed lying in my bed and then when I went to get changed he was already in his boxers in my bed! I thought that was a little bit rushed. When kissing he was very vocal as he made that noise from the phone-which is slightly below speaking level (thought slightly unusual but I have little experience) when kissing and then his hands started wondering. We are both virgins (shh) and 19, but due to religious reasons not going to have sex-that was discussed one phone convo at the beginning my him somehow generally. He said girls always wanted to move it on to the next stage and that ended the relationship. Whilst in bed we sort of played around kissing wise, he licked my face, rubbed noses etc (?) and touched me clothing wise everywhere. I didn’t let his hand get under my knickers (sorry for graphic) as was first time I'd kissed him (and first proper kiss really) and I wasn’t going to see him for a few months but I didn’t tell him that and I didn’t touch his balls at all under or over his boxers. But he touched me over my clothes. We kissed at points in the night and slept cuddled together. I texted him after my lesson asking if he got home ok. In one text I said I liked kissing him and him kissing me (maybe that was too much) and he replied that he liked my tongue because it's big and he likes to suck on it! How lovely! Then to a text of mine which was a bit dry with no question he didn’t text back. Nothing for 21 weeks. On messenger, he said hi and that he had to go, and asked if he could text me later. We were both on messenger for hour the other day and neither of us spoke to each other. So does he like me at all or just sexually frustrated or friends?? Sometimes he’s sweet and I’ve been lonely at uni so really valued his existence. But he’s got friends as it’s his home so I’m not sure if I’m of any importance. The lecture was an extra so we don’t have to see each other again. Thanks! Is he annoyed about not going a bit further or do you think he just doesn’t like me? Why is he doing this and what's my best course of action-if he texts should I ignore? Or does he just not like me?Thanks so much!! Can't talk to anyone else xxxxxxx
VictorM's answer:
Sorry I edited out portions of your submission, but girl, you can get into some serious detail. I left in the most amusing passages, some of which cracked me up... big tongue, huh? And what's up with those noises he makes? :)
Anyway, I think the guy likes you. If you read previous answers of mine you'll see how often I say that most guys HATE to do the text/phone/messenger thing. Guys are very physical. That's why he can spend the night with you even if sex is not involved, but not as excited about the other forms of communications. Besides, he's with his friends. I'm sure he's out having fun. Just because he may like you doesn't mean he's going to get stuck at home.
If you still like him and he texts you, why should you ignore him? Don't.
Is he turned off because of your no sex for religious reasons? Could be but it doesn't appear so. He just seems like an active, involved, easily tired kinda guy. He seems to prefer girls like you who take things slower. You are the most fun to pursue -- there's an extra reward when you violate your religious oath. ]:->
There is a guy in my lecture who I met 5 months ago. After 2 lectures he asked me for my email address. A few days later he emailed me his number. I messaged him mine and we've been texting since.
He was good with texts at first, yet only called twice. Of which once on the phone he was making a haaagh/ough noise- I said-what’s that noise- he just said he makes that noise when he’s tired!! Whatever??! Like a month ago his texts got less frequent and saying late reply as busy and that. Recently, he said he’s lousy with texts but also said he loads so deletes them all. I have asked him twice before if he wanted to do something but he replied too late or had work. As I was leaving my uni for summer, he asked if he could come over, I always said he should come over and see what halls are like. It was a bit awkward when he came. We went to get some food then when back, he finally just kissed me. We kissed lying in my bed and then when I went to get changed he was already in his boxers in my bed! I thought that was a little bit rushed. When kissing he was very vocal as he made that noise from the phone-which is slightly below speaking level (thought slightly unusual but I have little experience) when kissing and then his hands started wondering. We are both virgins (shh) and 19, but due to religious reasons not going to have sex-that was discussed one phone convo at the beginning my him somehow generally. He said girls always wanted to move it on to the next stage and that ended the relationship. Whilst in bed we sort of played around kissing wise, he licked my face, rubbed noses etc (?) and touched me clothing wise everywhere. I didn’t let his hand get under my knickers (sorry for graphic) as was first time I'd kissed him (and first proper kiss really) and I wasn’t going to see him for a few months but I didn’t tell him that and I didn’t touch his balls at all under or over his boxers. But he touched me over my clothes. We kissed at points in the night and slept cuddled together. I texted him after my lesson asking if he got home ok. In one text I said I liked kissing him and him kissing me (maybe that was too much) and he replied that he liked my tongue because it's big and he likes to suck on it! How lovely! Then to a text of mine which was a bit dry with no question he didn’t text back. Nothing for 21 weeks. On messenger, he said hi and that he had to go, and asked if he could text me later. We were both on messenger for hour the other day and neither of us spoke to each other. So does he like me at all or just sexually frustrated or friends?? Sometimes he’s sweet and I’ve been lonely at uni so really valued his existence. But he’s got friends as it’s his home so I’m not sure if I’m of any importance. The lecture was an extra so we don’t have to see each other again. Thanks! Is he annoyed about not going a bit further or do you think he just doesn’t like me? Why is he doing this and what's my best course of action-if he texts should I ignore? Or does he just not like me?Thanks so much!! Can't talk to anyone else xxxxxxx
VictorM's answer:
Sorry I edited out portions of your submission, but girl, you can get into some serious detail. I left in the most amusing passages, some of which cracked me up... big tongue, huh? And what's up with those noises he makes? :)
Anyway, I think the guy likes you. If you read previous answers of mine you'll see how often I say that most guys HATE to do the text/phone/messenger thing. Guys are very physical. That's why he can spend the night with you even if sex is not involved, but not as excited about the other forms of communications. Besides, he's with his friends. I'm sure he's out having fun. Just because he may like you doesn't mean he's going to get stuck at home.
If you still like him and he texts you, why should you ignore him? Don't.
Is he turned off because of your no sex for religious reasons? Could be but it doesn't appear so. He just seems like an active, involved, easily tired kinda guy. He seems to prefer girls like you who take things slower. You are the most fun to pursue -- there's an extra reward when you violate your religious oath. ]:->
Three timer
Gema, 12, from New Zealand, asks:
GOOD ANWSER!!!! Thanks. That's too tempting to refuse. But what should I do if they find out I'm a 3 timer?
Victor's advice:
You don't hide you're dating more than one; in fact, you flaunt it. Don't do anything sneaky but hey, you're popular and lots of boys like you. That's not your fault. Tough on them if they can't handle it.
Boys are like shoes -- you can't try just one pair; you have to try several to see which one is the better fit.
You have to be confident and sure of yourself. Let the little smelly boys sweat the small stuff. You can have the pick of the litter and if they don't like it, tough, they can have the homely girls.
Once you reject one of them, let Jessie have him. ;)
GOOD ANWSER!!!! Thanks. That's too tempting to refuse. But what should I do if they find out I'm a 3 timer?
Victor's advice:
You don't hide you're dating more than one; in fact, you flaunt it. Don't do anything sneaky but hey, you're popular and lots of boys like you. That's not your fault. Tough on them if they can't handle it.
Boys are like shoes -- you can't try just one pair; you have to try several to see which one is the better fit.
You have to be confident and sure of yourself. Let the little smelly boys sweat the small stuff. You can have the pick of the litter and if they don't like it, tough, they can have the homely girls.
Once you reject one of them, let Jessie have him. ;)
Jessie and Gema
jessie, 13, from new zealand, asks:
Hi. I think you know my friend Gema. She told me about this web site and I need advice. You see the thing is Gema knew I liked this guy and she likes him too but she won't back off. How do I get the guy to choose me over her specially when he is going to ask her out on her birthday?
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllpppppp!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
yes, I know Gema. She's a regular "customer". She has my loyalty so you just are going to have to find another toy boy, Gema has this one all locked up. Besides, it's her birthday. Be a good friend and let her have her guy.
Hi. I think you know my friend Gema. She told me about this web site and I need advice. You see the thing is Gema knew I liked this guy and she likes him too but she won't back off. How do I get the guy to choose me over her specially when he is going to ask her out on her birthday?
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllpppppp!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
yes, I know Gema. She's a regular "customer". She has my loyalty so you just are going to have to find another toy boy, Gema has this one all locked up. Besides, it's her birthday. Be a good friend and let her have her guy.
I got turned down
Katie, 15, from Elkhart, Texas, asks:
I'm really not understanding a lot of things at school. There is this guy named Skyler and I really like him. Everybody has thought that since the day we met we were perfect or had a big "thing" for each other. I finally got up the courage to ask him out and I got turned down. He always did things that made me seem like he liked me... what should I be saying or doing or thinking about this??
VictorM's advice:
He probably does like you but he's not really for the one on one thing yet. Continue to be nice and friendly to him. Flirt if you feel like it, but don't ask him out again. When he's ready, he'll come after you.
Teen boys are notorious for having crushes on many girls at once. He just wasn't ready to kiss the other crushes goodbye yet. That might change.
I'm really not understanding a lot of things at school. There is this guy named Skyler and I really like him. Everybody has thought that since the day we met we were perfect or had a big "thing" for each other. I finally got up the courage to ask him out and I got turned down. He always did things that made me seem like he liked me... what should I be saying or doing or thinking about this??
VictorM's advice:
He probably does like you but he's not really for the one on one thing yet. Continue to be nice and friendly to him. Flirt if you feel like it, but don't ask him out again. When he's ready, he'll come after you.
Teen boys are notorious for having crushes on many girls at once. He just wasn't ready to kiss the other crushes goodbye yet. That might change.
Can he really be in love?
Kali, 17, from lancaster, asks:
Okay so me and my boyfriend have been dating for about a week and today he just told me that he was in love with me. Can he really be in love even though we have only been dating for a week?
VictorM's answer:
Of course he can. I mean, he calls it love, some sourpusses would call it infatuation, or being smitten, or even puppy love. It really doesn't matter. You're in your teens; no one is talking about a family and eternity, right? You make him feel great and he feels this rush of chemicals flooding his system. It's a wonderful feeling.
Will it last? Probably not, but why spoil it for him? Let him enjoy thinking you're the coolest girl who ever lived.
Okay so me and my boyfriend have been dating for about a week and today he just told me that he was in love with me. Can he really be in love even though we have only been dating for a week?
VictorM's answer:
Of course he can. I mean, he calls it love, some sourpusses would call it infatuation, or being smitten, or even puppy love. It really doesn't matter. You're in your teens; no one is talking about a family and eternity, right? You make him feel great and he feels this rush of chemicals flooding his system. It's a wonderful feeling.
Will it last? Probably not, but why spoil it for him? Let him enjoy thinking you're the coolest girl who ever lived.
He always talks about me
Chelsea, 17, from Waterford PA, asks:
HELP ME! =] Okay this guy I have been hanging out for 3 weeks and is constantly flirting with me and taking me almost every where he goes. His best friend tells me that he always talks about me. Then the other night I snuck up to so I could hang out with him and after 4 hours he calls and breaks up with his girlfriend, right in front of me. (She's been saying she's pregnant so he wouldn't break up with her but shes not). So I am thinking that he's going to ask me out. So we had sex then he says I don't think we should tell anyone about this. I thought at first that he was just using me but then when I got up to leave he begged me not to. He said that he wasn't ready for me yet and that he's confused. He decided that we should just be friends. After 30 minutes of talking I had to go home. As I was walking out he gave me a hug. He said that he got a shiver down his spine and that he always gets that when he's with me. He finished by saying that that is the reason why he thinks he likes me so much...ugh!! Help me please. He's called me since then but I missed his call. Tell me what's going on in his head!!
VictorM's answer:
He likes you as "friends with benefits"; he will say what you need to hear so that you go along with it; he won't burn any bridges with anybody else, hence the request to keep it quiet; and he's so happy you're a sucker who's going along for the the ride.
HELP ME! =] Okay this guy I have been hanging out for 3 weeks and is constantly flirting with me and taking me almost every where he goes. His best friend tells me that he always talks about me. Then the other night I snuck up to so I could hang out with him and after 4 hours he calls and breaks up with his girlfriend, right in front of me. (She's been saying she's pregnant so he wouldn't break up with her but shes not). So I am thinking that he's going to ask me out. So we had sex then he says I don't think we should tell anyone about this. I thought at first that he was just using me but then when I got up to leave he begged me not to. He said that he wasn't ready for me yet and that he's confused. He decided that we should just be friends. After 30 minutes of talking I had to go home. As I was walking out he gave me a hug. He said that he got a shiver down his spine and that he always gets that when he's with me. He finished by saying that that is the reason why he thinks he likes me so much...ugh!! Help me please. He's called me since then but I missed his call. Tell me what's going on in his head!!
VictorM's answer:
He likes you as "friends with benefits"; he will say what you need to hear so that you go along with it; he won't burn any bridges with anybody else, hence the request to keep it quiet; and he's so happy you're a sucker who's going along for the the ride.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Signed love
marol, 40, from idaho, asks:
Is it serious if a guy you are dating sends a card in the mail and signs it with "love"?
VictorM's advice:
Not really. "Love" is just one of many words used to express affection. It could be a sign that he's serious, but I wouldn't go out picking a wedding band based on it.
Is it serious if a guy you are dating sends a card in the mail and signs it with "love"?
VictorM's advice:
Not really. "Love" is just one of many words used to express affection. It could be a sign that he's serious, but I wouldn't go out picking a wedding band based on it.
Comment: Talk about feeling like a princess
This comment is in response to this question and answer:
lindsey, 22, from scotland, says:
'talk about feeling like a princess' I want to reply to this girl's dilemma. Don't listen to Victor. I think it was a bit harsh for him to reply that way to you. Listen... me and my fiancee broke up and didn't speak for over a month, no contact, I thought he didn't care either but he was waiting for me to get him. I didn't. Eventually he came around and he was going through a hard time that I didn't know of and now we are happy, so it's possible your boyfriend is just going through a bad time and not telling you, he may feel you bailed out and that you didn't care and he's even more upset but you had no choice to as he wasn't communicating to you. Contact him, what have you got to lose?? No regrets!
VictorM's comment:
I'm glad things worked out for you and your fiance, although I have to say, to be the fiance of someone who doesn't share his hard times with his soon to be wife doesn't give me too much confidence that communication is a priority, but if it's working for you, great.
I do agree that Angie has nothing to lose by calling. I didn't say when I answered her submission because nowhere did she ask me that question.
But I still think Angie's situation is different from yours. You were engaged and had a fight (I'm assuming). But this is what Angie said: "About 8 weeks ago he started to pull away. Not call like he used to when out of town, not as attentive. He would say he would do things and then he would not." So in Angie's case we have a gradual pulling away; that was not your case. It is this pulling away that led me to answer as I did.
In any case, thank you Lindsey for taking the time to write. Angie can only gain from another point of view.
lindsey, 22, from scotland, says:
'talk about feeling like a princess' I want to reply to this girl's dilemma. Don't listen to Victor. I think it was a bit harsh for him to reply that way to you. Listen... me and my fiancee broke up and didn't speak for over a month, no contact, I thought he didn't care either but he was waiting for me to get him. I didn't. Eventually he came around and he was going through a hard time that I didn't know of and now we are happy, so it's possible your boyfriend is just going through a bad time and not telling you, he may feel you bailed out and that you didn't care and he's even more upset but you had no choice to as he wasn't communicating to you. Contact him, what have you got to lose?? No regrets!
VictorM's comment:
I'm glad things worked out for you and your fiance, although I have to say, to be the fiance of someone who doesn't share his hard times with his soon to be wife doesn't give me too much confidence that communication is a priority, but if it's working for you, great.
I do agree that Angie has nothing to lose by calling. I didn't say when I answered her submission because nowhere did she ask me that question.
But I still think Angie's situation is different from yours. You were engaged and had a fight (I'm assuming). But this is what Angie said: "About 8 weeks ago he started to pull away. Not call like he used to when out of town, not as attentive. He would say he would do things and then he would not." So in Angie's case we have a gradual pulling away; that was not your case. It is this pulling away that led me to answer as I did.
In any case, thank you Lindsey for taking the time to write. Angie can only gain from another point of view.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
I have major trust issues with men
Jen, 25, from Danbury, asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. Last December we decided to move in together. The thing is I moved to a different state to be with him. I have major trust issues with men due to being cheated on in the past, and also my previous boyfriend's addiction to internet porn. About 2 months ago I went onto his computer and noticed he had belonged to a few internet sex sites under a different name. He had also been posing as a woman looking for women on a different sex site. I gained the courage to confront him about this. And I explained to him that I don't mind if he looks at porn, but I couldn't understand why he feels he needs to talk to others. I just asked him to respect me due to my previous boyfriend's porn addiction. He didn't really give me an answer as to why he did this, and was really defensive and told me to "get over it". Our sex life has declined lately and I practically have to beg for it. He also admits that he is bored with our sex life. He admitted to me that he masturbates to the images a few times a week while I'm not home or sleeping. I feel somewhat trapped and cannot understand why he would go to such lengths to do this. This is the second serious relationship I have been in where internet porn has been the major and only issue. PLEASE HELP!
VictorM's advice:
Porn is not your "major and only issue". You're cheating yourself if you think so. You explained to him what your problems with his behavior were and his answer was "get over it". The attitude behind that answer is your major problem!
It appears that you get attracted to men who don't respect you. And they show it either by telling you "get over it"or by cheating. These men probably carry other baggage but porn or cheating is what you have been able to put your finger on. I bet there's more.
But they are not the issue -- you are! You are overlooking your inability to recognize such men and your preponderance to tolerate their lack of respect for you. Just listen to yourself: you "practically have to beg" for sex. They fuck up and you're the one almost begging.
People keep getting attracted to the same kind of person over and over unless they correct what leads to such attraction. Getting to the bottom of it can be done but you need to see a professional therapist.
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year. Last December we decided to move in together. The thing is I moved to a different state to be with him. I have major trust issues with men due to being cheated on in the past, and also my previous boyfriend's addiction to internet porn. About 2 months ago I went onto his computer and noticed he had belonged to a few internet sex sites under a different name. He had also been posing as a woman looking for women on a different sex site. I gained the courage to confront him about this. And I explained to him that I don't mind if he looks at porn, but I couldn't understand why he feels he needs to talk to others. I just asked him to respect me due to my previous boyfriend's porn addiction. He didn't really give me an answer as to why he did this, and was really defensive and told me to "get over it". Our sex life has declined lately and I practically have to beg for it. He also admits that he is bored with our sex life. He admitted to me that he masturbates to the images a few times a week while I'm not home or sleeping. I feel somewhat trapped and cannot understand why he would go to such lengths to do this. This is the second serious relationship I have been in where internet porn has been the major and only issue. PLEASE HELP!
VictorM's advice:
Porn is not your "major and only issue". You're cheating yourself if you think so. You explained to him what your problems with his behavior were and his answer was "get over it". The attitude behind that answer is your major problem!
It appears that you get attracted to men who don't respect you. And they show it either by telling you "get over it"or by cheating. These men probably carry other baggage but porn or cheating is what you have been able to put your finger on. I bet there's more.
But they are not the issue -- you are! You are overlooking your inability to recognize such men and your preponderance to tolerate their lack of respect for you. Just listen to yourself: you "practically have to beg" for sex. They fuck up and you're the one almost begging.
People keep getting attracted to the same kind of person over and over unless they correct what leads to such attraction. Getting to the bottom of it can be done but you need to see a professional therapist.
My friend is jealous of me
Gema, 12, from New Zealand, asks:
hi me again. Look, my friend is jealous of me because max's best friend told me that max hasn't asked me out because he's saving it for my birthday present meanwhile my friend hates me and 2 other guys have asked me out. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You should start your own reality TV show called "Gema's Jams". Guaranteed drama every week. Just imagine... all this excitment and you're not even a teenager yet.
I think you should date all 3 guys and drive your friend totally nuts with jealousy. I mean, what good is a friend if you can't rub her face in your successes?
hi me again. Look, my friend is jealous of me because max's best friend told me that max hasn't asked me out because he's saving it for my birthday present meanwhile my friend hates me and 2 other guys have asked me out. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You should start your own reality TV show called "Gema's Jams". Guaranteed drama every week. Just imagine... all this excitment and you're not even a teenager yet.
I think you should date all 3 guys and drive your friend totally nuts with jealousy. I mean, what good is a friend if you can't rub her face in your successes?
Should I tell my best guy friend?
Jenn, 12, from N.Y., asks:
I like this guy and my best guy friend is best friends with the guy I like. My guy friend keeps asking me who I like, so I say no one because I'm afraid he might tell the guy I like. Should I tell my best guy friend? I mean I tell him like everything!!
VictorM's advice:
Definitely do not tell your friend that you like his friend. If you do, you might as well rent a plane and fly a banner over your town. Telling would ruin everything. Part of the the fun is not knowing. Keep the fun going longer.
I like this guy and my best guy friend is best friends with the guy I like. My guy friend keeps asking me who I like, so I say no one because I'm afraid he might tell the guy I like. Should I tell my best guy friend? I mean I tell him like everything!!
VictorM's advice:
Definitely do not tell your friend that you like his friend. If you do, you might as well rent a plane and fly a banner over your town. Telling would ruin everything. Part of the the fun is not knowing. Keep the fun going longer.
I've been in two relationships
Melanie, 32, from California, asks:
So I've been in two relationships which have both taken up most of my adult life. I've never really dated. After the break up of me and my last boyfriend (rebound from the first) a couple of months went by and I met a guy one night who was definitely someone I'd want to date. Except we drank too much and I jumped the gun and slept with him that night- never done that before. I was shocked when he called me the next day saying he wanted to get to know me better and hang out. So we did. Then the next three weekends he ended up in my neighborhood and each time we hooked up again. Fun times, going to parties, etc., laughing a lot, and ending up in bed each time. No hanging out during the week though or invites to do so. After the last time I didn't hear from him for a whle. I saw him in my hood and he was definitely avoiding me. I asked him about it. He said basically he freaked out because all the partying with me was wearing him thin, etc. I got the message. But then the next weekend he stopped by my work three times, making a point to say I looked cute, he liked what I was wearing, etc. I didn't get all googly eyed for him though because I didn't understand why he was doing that after kind of telling me he didn't want to hang out anymore. You think he still just wants to hook up? He asked me once if I liked him or just wanted to hook up and I said both. Maybe not the right answer cause I really like him, actually, but I didn't want to give him all that info just then. How to handle this kind of thing? I really would like to date him. So should I just risk getting rejected by telling him point blank or is there some better way? Or just let it go?
VictorM's advice:
Tell him straight out. After the quick jumping into bed and all the partying he may need to know for a fact you're serious about him, otherwise, he may be keeping a distance because he's not sure you're more than just a party girl.
In some cases this approach could scare the guy away, but in your case I think you have nothing to lose -- he's already a little scared of something. By saying what you really mean you'll either push him away or pulling him closer. But I think either result is better than the "no man's land" you're on now.
Definitely do not let go. You need closure with this guy or it'll always haunt you.
So I've been in two relationships which have both taken up most of my adult life. I've never really dated. After the break up of me and my last boyfriend (rebound from the first) a couple of months went by and I met a guy one night who was definitely someone I'd want to date. Except we drank too much and I jumped the gun and slept with him that night- never done that before. I was shocked when he called me the next day saying he wanted to get to know me better and hang out. So we did. Then the next three weekends he ended up in my neighborhood and each time we hooked up again. Fun times, going to parties, etc., laughing a lot, and ending up in bed each time. No hanging out during the week though or invites to do so. After the last time I didn't hear from him for a whle. I saw him in my hood and he was definitely avoiding me. I asked him about it. He said basically he freaked out because all the partying with me was wearing him thin, etc. I got the message. But then the next weekend he stopped by my work three times, making a point to say I looked cute, he liked what I was wearing, etc. I didn't get all googly eyed for him though because I didn't understand why he was doing that after kind of telling me he didn't want to hang out anymore. You think he still just wants to hook up? He asked me once if I liked him or just wanted to hook up and I said both. Maybe not the right answer cause I really like him, actually, but I didn't want to give him all that info just then. How to handle this kind of thing? I really would like to date him. So should I just risk getting rejected by telling him point blank or is there some better way? Or just let it go?
VictorM's advice:
Tell him straight out. After the quick jumping into bed and all the partying he may need to know for a fact you're serious about him, otherwise, he may be keeping a distance because he's not sure you're more than just a party girl.
In some cases this approach could scare the guy away, but in your case I think you have nothing to lose -- he's already a little scared of something. By saying what you really mean you'll either push him away or pulling him closer. But I think either result is better than the "no man's land" you're on now.
Definitely do not let go. You need closure with this guy or it'll always haunt you.
Friends are telling me he wants to break up with me
Anonymous asks:
Victor, I'm dating someone at the moment and well friends are telling me he wants to break up with me, is it something I did? Was it something I said? Or does he just want to. Now I think I have made a wrong decision going out with him and I should have listened to my best friend.
VictorM's advice:
How do you friends know he wants to break-up with you? Maybe they do, but maybe they're full of crap.
If you made a mistake, fix it -- break-up with him.
Trust me, life isn't that complicated.
Victor, I'm dating someone at the moment and well friends are telling me he wants to break up with me, is it something I did? Was it something I said? Or does he just want to. Now I think I have made a wrong decision going out with him and I should have listened to my best friend.
VictorM's advice:
How do you friends know he wants to break-up with you? Maybe they do, but maybe they're full of crap.
If you made a mistake, fix it -- break-up with him.
Trust me, life isn't that complicated.
I still love my ex and he loves me still but...
Amber, 14, from 7.5.7, asks:
I like a guy and he likes me too and I wanna date him but I don't wanna ask him because he told me he doesn't like it when girls ask him out. Plus, I still love my ex and he loves me still but he has another girlfriend and he is moving back to Michigan, which makes me very sad and I don't know what to do. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
You love your ex-boyfriend and he loves you but you're not together and he has a girlfriend? Am I just missing something or is the world really that complicated?
Look, Summer is here. Go out with friends, go to the park, to the mall, to the movies... jump, run, yell, scream, have crazy fun. You're 14, a glorious age. Enjoy it and forget about smelly boys. The least attention you give them the more attractive you become to them. Come across as needy and you turn them off.
I like a guy and he likes me too and I wanna date him but I don't wanna ask him because he told me he doesn't like it when girls ask him out. Plus, I still love my ex and he loves me still but he has another girlfriend and he is moving back to Michigan, which makes me very sad and I don't know what to do. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
You love your ex-boyfriend and he loves you but you're not together and he has a girlfriend? Am I just missing something or is the world really that complicated?
Look, Summer is here. Go out with friends, go to the park, to the mall, to the movies... jump, run, yell, scream, have crazy fun. You're 14, a glorious age. Enjoy it and forget about smelly boys. The least attention you give them the more attractive you become to them. Come across as needy and you turn them off.
I recently found out he was calling an ex girlfriend
Confused in AZ, 25, asks:
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I recently found out he was calling an ex girlfriend, a classmate from high school. He texts and calls her. She has a boyfriend and lives 5 hours away. He tells me that they are just friends and nothing more. This is difficult for me because I found love letters from her talking about her love for him. These letters I found were from the time they broke up. Sometimes when I ask why do you still talk to her? He gets upset we end up arguing. Also, I say to him you haven’t seen her in 5-6 years and all of a sudden you start calling her? Now I don’t know what to say. I’m confused. He knows this bothers me and he still does it. Should I believe him? Are they really just friends? Help.
VictorM's answer:
He doesn't stop calling her even after you object and he can't give you a good reason for doing it. These are not good signs! I don't know what, but there's a good chance something is missing from your relationship, so he's reaching elsewhere. Worry less about her and more about you and him.
Whether he continues to risk fights over "just a friend" or he's still hooked on her that he can't stop calling her, these calls to her are a threat to your relationship. You can't just ignore them. I don't know if by calling her he's reaching for previous feelings or just reaching for a sympathetic voice, but I'm almost sure she's not arguing with him. You should reconsider your approach and stop the arguments. Next time you two talk about this don't accuse him of anything. Start your sentences with "I"... I don't understand... I don't like it... I feel betrayed... I feel cheated... I feel ignored... I feel insecure... etc.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I recently found out he was calling an ex girlfriend, a classmate from high school. He texts and calls her. She has a boyfriend and lives 5 hours away. He tells me that they are just friends and nothing more. This is difficult for me because I found love letters from her talking about her love for him. These letters I found were from the time they broke up. Sometimes when I ask why do you still talk to her? He gets upset we end up arguing. Also, I say to him you haven’t seen her in 5-6 years and all of a sudden you start calling her? Now I don’t know what to say. I’m confused. He knows this bothers me and he still does it. Should I believe him? Are they really just friends? Help.
VictorM's answer:
He doesn't stop calling her even after you object and he can't give you a good reason for doing it. These are not good signs! I don't know what, but there's a good chance something is missing from your relationship, so he's reaching elsewhere. Worry less about her and more about you and him.
Whether he continues to risk fights over "just a friend" or he's still hooked on her that he can't stop calling her, these calls to her are a threat to your relationship. You can't just ignore them. I don't know if by calling her he's reaching for previous feelings or just reaching for a sympathetic voice, but I'm almost sure she's not arguing with him. You should reconsider your approach and stop the arguments. Next time you two talk about this don't accuse him of anything. Start your sentences with "I"... I don't understand... I don't like it... I feel betrayed... I feel cheated... I feel ignored... I feel insecure... etc.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
I'm 17 and he's 24
Lorri, 17, from Scotland, asks:
There's this guy in work who flirts a lot with me. I really like him and I'm pretty sure he knows that. Only problem is I'm 17 and he's 24. Do you think there's an age problem?! People have told me to stay away from him as he is known as a "player" and only wants one thing from me. I'm not sure what to do. It's driving me crazy! He acts extremely strange towards me not the same way he acts around other girls for e.g he'll have seen me during the day working and then when I meet him in the canteen he'll say "just starting?" I mean, he knows I've been working since this morning why ask if I'm just starting! He also says things like I'm going home to lie in my comfy bed all alone... how am I suppose to react to that? lol He always stares at me and when I catch him he'll say something bizarre like "Do you have any lip balm I could borrow?" So what do you think, should I give it a go with him?
VictorM's advice:
If the sexual innuendo is something you don't mind, and the job is only temporary, and you're ready to be sexually active, and you disregard the advice of friends, I don't think the age difference as a problem. In Scotland the drinking age is 18 (but not even enforced that seriously), so you can hang out with him at pubs and clubs. Besides, it sounds like you're more mature than he is. So, if age is the "only problem" you want to consider -- although I strongly advise you to consider all others -- I would say age is not a problem.
If you give it a go with him, remember this: stock up on condoms and have more than one birth control method!
There's this guy in work who flirts a lot with me. I really like him and I'm pretty sure he knows that. Only problem is I'm 17 and he's 24. Do you think there's an age problem?! People have told me to stay away from him as he is known as a "player" and only wants one thing from me. I'm not sure what to do. It's driving me crazy! He acts extremely strange towards me not the same way he acts around other girls for e.g he'll have seen me during the day working and then when I meet him in the canteen he'll say "just starting?" I mean, he knows I've been working since this morning why ask if I'm just starting! He also says things like I'm going home to lie in my comfy bed all alone... how am I suppose to react to that? lol He always stares at me and when I catch him he'll say something bizarre like "Do you have any lip balm I could borrow?" So what do you think, should I give it a go with him?
VictorM's advice:
If the sexual innuendo is something you don't mind, and the job is only temporary, and you're ready to be sexually active, and you disregard the advice of friends, I don't think the age difference as a problem. In Scotland the drinking age is 18 (but not even enforced that seriously), so you can hang out with him at pubs and clubs. Besides, it sounds like you're more mature than he is. So, if age is the "only problem" you want to consider -- although I strongly advise you to consider all others -- I would say age is not a problem.
If you give it a go with him, remember this: stock up on condoms and have more than one birth control method!
He loves to dance and be in clubs
Amber, 21, from Florida, asks:
I have been with my 25 year old boyfriend for 15 months. He loves to dance and be in clubs. I personally don't like to dance, so it makes an awkward situation when we go out. He usually will dance by himself, but last night I found him grinding with another girl. I took him outside and asked him what he was doing and told him it bothered me. He didn't seem to care and continued dancing. I ended up leaving without him and now we're fighting because he feels I blew it out of proportion. I'm I right to be upset or was he just having fun?
VictorM's advice:
If you knew when you met him that he liked clubs and dancing, and if you don't dance, what do you expect? Grinding, last time I checked, was part of the dancing scene. And if he does it in front of you chances are he has no malice; sounds like he's only enjoying the dancing.
When he was dancing the first time around he probably was just having fun. But after you told him it bothered you he was at best disrespectful to you, unless he was only dancing the second time around and not grinding. If this was the case, yes, you are blowing it out of proportion. So say you're sorry and make it up to him -- buy him a tutu.
I have been with my 25 year old boyfriend for 15 months. He loves to dance and be in clubs. I personally don't like to dance, so it makes an awkward situation when we go out. He usually will dance by himself, but last night I found him grinding with another girl. I took him outside and asked him what he was doing and told him it bothered me. He didn't seem to care and continued dancing. I ended up leaving without him and now we're fighting because he feels I blew it out of proportion. I'm I right to be upset or was he just having fun?
VictorM's advice:
If you knew when you met him that he liked clubs and dancing, and if you don't dance, what do you expect? Grinding, last time I checked, was part of the dancing scene. And if he does it in front of you chances are he has no malice; sounds like he's only enjoying the dancing.
When he was dancing the first time around he probably was just having fun. But after you told him it bothered you he was at best disrespectful to you, unless he was only dancing the second time around and not grinding. If this was the case, yes, you are blowing it out of proportion. So say you're sorry and make it up to him -- buy him a tutu.
Talk about feeling like a princess
Angie, 44, from Missoure, asks:
I will try to make this short as short as possible. I met the guy nine months ago. Talk about feeling like a princess. He said he had never felt like this with anyone before and I felt the same. I really feel he meant it. I got flowers every 4 weeks, when he was out-of-town, he would call. He wanted to spend every night together and I was the one that even said are you sure. About 8 weeks ago he started to pull away. Not call like he used to when out of town, not as attentive. He would say he would do things and then he would not. I do admit that during this time, I now know that I did the wrong thing. I kept asking him what was wrong and trying to get to act like he used to. One Thursday, we had a disagreement, mainly over him being distant. He did not call me Friday until 10:00 p.m. and had been at a bar. He asked if I wanted to come over and I said no because I was tired and it was late. I was surprised that he even called and when I asked him why he called, he said, because “Maybe because I care”. He said that we would do something Saturday night and that he would call me by noon on Saturday to make plans. By 5:00 p.m. he had not called. I went over and acted like nothing was wrong. He said he did not say we would do anything on Saturday and did not say that he would call. I just could not take it anymore at this point. I told him that I still loved him and if things could be like they were, that I would be the happiest girl in the world, but I can’t go on like this. I left him a letter that basically said the same thing and I pointed out the things that I just could not take anymore. I do believe with all my heart that he really did truly love me. He even wanted to talk marriage early on, but I was not ready. Way too soon for me. It has been two weeks since I left, and I have not heard anything from him. I put this post in “he dumped me”, because even though I left, I feel he was doing the things that he was because he wanted to break up but did not have the strength to do it.
Questions for you guys:
1. Was he becoming more distant and not wanting to talk about it because he wanted to break up and did not have the guts and it was easier to make me mad enough to do it?
2. Do you think that it even bothers him that I left?
3. Do you think that he will think about what he lost and ever contact me again?
4. If I get asked out, would this make it better or worse if he would see me or find out?
Any other wisdom would really help.
Thanks in advance, Flutter
I need your opinion on this, especially the guy!
VictorM's advice:
We all are vulnerable to being "blinded by love" or seeing through "rose colored glasses". Relationships that start with the intensity you describe, more often than not, burn out.
With guys, once we get over that initial jolt of excitement (and it varies from guy to guy how long that lasts), it becomes a real problem to extricate ourselves from it when our feelings change. Guys hate to tell a woman that they don't feel the same way anymore. Partly because we hate to hurt your feelings, partly because we don't want to be accused of having lied just for sex, partly because we don't want to be accused of using you, partly because we don't know if it's just a temporary phase. So... we chicken out, we delay, we procrastinate. Eventually, we look for a good excuse for you to make the move. And voila'! You answered his prayers.
So now I'll answer your questions:
1. Was he becoming more distant and not wanting to talk about it because he wanted to break up and did not have the guts and it was easier to make me mad enough to do it?
Yes! Exactly!
2. Do you think that it even bothers him that I left?
No! He may be worried about you, he may wish you the best, he may feel bad it came to this, but overall he's thanking his lucky stars you bailed him out.
3. Do you think that he will think about what he lost and ever contact me again?
No! He may call to make sure you're OK, or to do whatever he can to not be perceived as a rat, but no matter how wonderful you may be you weren't his "the one", so in his mind, he hasn't lost anything.
4. If I get asked out, would this make it better or worse if he would see me or find out?
If I'm right, he'll be relieved you're dating again.
I need your opinion on this, especially the guy!
Here's my opinion: after a strong, passionate beginning he got over you. It's that simple. It's nothing you did wrong, it's just human nature. But this comes as no surprise to you; that's why you didn't want to marry him so soon. You had the right instincts.
Romance in many ways is like a marathon race; beware of the rabbit who starts too fast.
I will try to make this short as short as possible. I met the guy nine months ago. Talk about feeling like a princess. He said he had never felt like this with anyone before and I felt the same. I really feel he meant it. I got flowers every 4 weeks, when he was out-of-town, he would call. He wanted to spend every night together and I was the one that even said are you sure. About 8 weeks ago he started to pull away. Not call like he used to when out of town, not as attentive. He would say he would do things and then he would not. I do admit that during this time, I now know that I did the wrong thing. I kept asking him what was wrong and trying to get to act like he used to. One Thursday, we had a disagreement, mainly over him being distant. He did not call me Friday until 10:00 p.m. and had been at a bar. He asked if I wanted to come over and I said no because I was tired and it was late. I was surprised that he even called and when I asked him why he called, he said, because “Maybe because I care”. He said that we would do something Saturday night and that he would call me by noon on Saturday to make plans. By 5:00 p.m. he had not called. I went over and acted like nothing was wrong. He said he did not say we would do anything on Saturday and did not say that he would call. I just could not take it anymore at this point. I told him that I still loved him and if things could be like they were, that I would be the happiest girl in the world, but I can’t go on like this. I left him a letter that basically said the same thing and I pointed out the things that I just could not take anymore. I do believe with all my heart that he really did truly love me. He even wanted to talk marriage early on, but I was not ready. Way too soon for me. It has been two weeks since I left, and I have not heard anything from him. I put this post in “he dumped me”, because even though I left, I feel he was doing the things that he was because he wanted to break up but did not have the strength to do it.
Questions for you guys:
1. Was he becoming more distant and not wanting to talk about it because he wanted to break up and did not have the guts and it was easier to make me mad enough to do it?
2. Do you think that it even bothers him that I left?
3. Do you think that he will think about what he lost and ever contact me again?
4. If I get asked out, would this make it better or worse if he would see me or find out?
Any other wisdom would really help.
Thanks in advance, Flutter
I need your opinion on this, especially the guy!
VictorM's advice:
We all are vulnerable to being "blinded by love" or seeing through "rose colored glasses". Relationships that start with the intensity you describe, more often than not, burn out.
With guys, once we get over that initial jolt of excitement (and it varies from guy to guy how long that lasts), it becomes a real problem to extricate ourselves from it when our feelings change. Guys hate to tell a woman that they don't feel the same way anymore. Partly because we hate to hurt your feelings, partly because we don't want to be accused of having lied just for sex, partly because we don't want to be accused of using you, partly because we don't know if it's just a temporary phase. So... we chicken out, we delay, we procrastinate. Eventually, we look for a good excuse for you to make the move. And voila'! You answered his prayers.
So now I'll answer your questions:
1. Was he becoming more distant and not wanting to talk about it because he wanted to break up and did not have the guts and it was easier to make me mad enough to do it?
Yes! Exactly!
2. Do you think that it even bothers him that I left?
No! He may be worried about you, he may wish you the best, he may feel bad it came to this, but overall he's thanking his lucky stars you bailed him out.
3. Do you think that he will think about what he lost and ever contact me again?
No! He may call to make sure you're OK, or to do whatever he can to not be perceived as a rat, but no matter how wonderful you may be you weren't his "the one", so in his mind, he hasn't lost anything.
4. If I get asked out, would this make it better or worse if he would see me or find out?
If I'm right, he'll be relieved you're dating again.
I need your opinion on this, especially the guy!
Here's my opinion: after a strong, passionate beginning he got over you. It's that simple. It's nothing you did wrong, it's just human nature. But this comes as no surprise to you; that's why you didn't want to marry him so soon. You had the right instincts.
Romance in many ways is like a marathon race; beware of the rabbit who starts too fast.
He has been playing video games online
rein, 27, from india, asks:
I'm married to the love of my life, we were going out for 3 years before we hitched up. Now after almost 3 years, we are still very much in love and fresh together. For the last 2 years or so he has been playing video games online on the net, games like Moto GP and Games Spy etc.. it was fine up until it now seems to be taking up all his free time. He plays every night till the wee hours of the morning and spends all his free time chatting with his clan ( a motor racing clan he joined). Since we both working busy days, evenings are the only time we get together and I need to know how to get him to have a more balanced life with gaming and other activities. I know he realises it himself but goes right back to playing every night. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Oh boy, I know how he feels. Many years ago my son got his first Gameboy and I used to steal in and hide in the house playing Tetris. I could hear him: "Mom, do you know where my Gameboy is?" while I was hiding in the closet. Ahhh those were fun times. I got really good at Tetris. Anyway... oh yes, you said balance. You females take the fun out of everything. :)
OK, getting serious about it. If you give him a hard time it will backfire on you, so I suggest you refrain from doing it. And if he's forced into spending time with you than your time together won't be much fun.
There is no easy solution, specially if it doesn't come from him. You can help along by planning other activities. Basically, try to slowly get him to spend less time in front of the computer, even if initially it's not just with you. It could be simple things such as cooking his favorite dish but asking that you eat it together. If he likes sports or movies, buy tickets for those activities so you can go together. Go out with his friends to a pub or invite them over your house. You will have to be patient; it's not going to happen overnight.
Say, do they have Victoria's Secret in India? ;)
I'm married to the love of my life, we were going out for 3 years before we hitched up. Now after almost 3 years, we are still very much in love and fresh together. For the last 2 years or so he has been playing video games online on the net, games like Moto GP and Games Spy etc.. it was fine up until it now seems to be taking up all his free time. He plays every night till the wee hours of the morning and spends all his free time chatting with his clan ( a motor racing clan he joined). Since we both working busy days, evenings are the only time we get together and I need to know how to get him to have a more balanced life with gaming and other activities. I know he realises it himself but goes right back to playing every night. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Oh boy, I know how he feels. Many years ago my son got his first Gameboy and I used to steal in and hide in the house playing Tetris. I could hear him: "Mom, do you know where my Gameboy is?" while I was hiding in the closet. Ahhh those were fun times. I got really good at Tetris. Anyway... oh yes, you said balance. You females take the fun out of everything. :)
OK, getting serious about it. If you give him a hard time it will backfire on you, so I suggest you refrain from doing it. And if he's forced into spending time with you than your time together won't be much fun.
There is no easy solution, specially if it doesn't come from him. You can help along by planning other activities. Basically, try to slowly get him to spend less time in front of the computer, even if initially it's not just with you. It could be simple things such as cooking his favorite dish but asking that you eat it together. If he likes sports or movies, buy tickets for those activities so you can go together. Go out with his friends to a pub or invite them over your house. You will have to be patient; it's not going to happen overnight.
Say, do they have Victoria's Secret in India? ;)
I had a huge crush on him
robin boling, 14, from sheridan ar, asks:
There's this guy Ryan... we went out in 6th grade and in 8th grade and in 7th grade we were just friends but I had a huge crush on him and well by the time I was in the 8th grade he asked me back out close to the end of the school year and well he's a skater and he claims he really loves me and we went out about 3 time after he asked me back out in the 8th grade and he says he would do nothing to hurt me and that he would die for me and anything else but is it worth getting my butt kicked by his ex friend even if I love him? Also, I don't know what to say to a guy when we start going out but if we weren't I'd have all kinds of stuff to talk about. I neeed help big time. Please answer.
VictorM's advice:
If you're not willing to get your butt kicked for love, than it's not love. A good butt kicking in the name of love is a wonderful thing (um... I feel a country western song in there somewhere).
You talk to all guys about the same thing, regardless of your relationship with them.
There's this guy Ryan... we went out in 6th grade and in 8th grade and in 7th grade we were just friends but I had a huge crush on him and well by the time I was in the 8th grade he asked me back out close to the end of the school year and well he's a skater and he claims he really loves me and we went out about 3 time after he asked me back out in the 8th grade and he says he would do nothing to hurt me and that he would die for me and anything else but is it worth getting my butt kicked by his ex friend even if I love him? Also, I don't know what to say to a guy when we start going out but if we weren't I'd have all kinds of stuff to talk about. I neeed help big time. Please answer.
VictorM's advice:
If you're not willing to get your butt kicked for love, than it's not love. A good butt kicking in the name of love is a wonderful thing (um... I feel a country western song in there somewhere).
You talk to all guys about the same thing, regardless of your relationship with them.
Everything has been great so far
Amanda, from Md, asks:
From my point of view everything has been great so far. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months now and he's already told me that he thinks he's falling for me. But the other weekend I went with him to a friend of his families graduation party and he introduced me as his "friend". I've never been one to get upset at the little things guys do but for some reason this has been eating away at me. Is my boyfriend embarrassed of me? Are there any guys that can explain this to me? Thank you
VictorM's advice:
If he was embarrassed he wouldn't have taken you. And if he was hiding anything he wouldn't have taken you either.
Have you talked to each other in terms of actually being boyfriend/girlfriend? Have the actual words been said and have you two agreed you are a couple? If not, maybe he didn't want to say something to others that hasn't been said among you two.
The newness of the relationship might have held him back from saying "girlfriend". Maybe he felt he would be asked questions he wasn't interested in answering (people can get very nosey about stuff like that). "Girlfriend" invites lots of personal questions from his guy friends, like "how serious are you?" "any marriage plans?" "how is she in bed?" etc.; "friend" puts those questions off.
But above all, don't let it eat at you -- ask him. But don't ask with an accusatory tone of voice. A simple "I'm curious, why did you introduce me as your friend?" should do. Let him answer. He probably has a better answer than mine.
From my point of view everything has been great so far. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months now and he's already told me that he thinks he's falling for me. But the other weekend I went with him to a friend of his families graduation party and he introduced me as his "friend". I've never been one to get upset at the little things guys do but for some reason this has been eating away at me. Is my boyfriend embarrassed of me? Are there any guys that can explain this to me? Thank you
VictorM's advice:
If he was embarrassed he wouldn't have taken you. And if he was hiding anything he wouldn't have taken you either.
Have you talked to each other in terms of actually being boyfriend/girlfriend? Have the actual words been said and have you two agreed you are a couple? If not, maybe he didn't want to say something to others that hasn't been said among you two.
The newness of the relationship might have held him back from saying "girlfriend". Maybe he felt he would be asked questions he wasn't interested in answering (people can get very nosey about stuff like that). "Girlfriend" invites lots of personal questions from his guy friends, like "how serious are you?" "any marriage plans?" "how is she in bed?" etc.; "friend" puts those questions off.
But above all, don't let it eat at you -- ask him. But don't ask with an accusatory tone of voice. A simple "I'm curious, why did you introduce me as your friend?" should do. Let him answer. He probably has a better answer than mine.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
He was way to controlling
Angie coats, 17, from Canada, asks:
Ok ..so I was surfing the net to get advice and I came across this site so I'm going to try it .... me and my ex boyfriend where going out for 6 months and we have been broke up for 10 months. I broke up with him because I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and he was way to controlling. Ever since I broke up with him he hasn't left me alone. At parties he's either crying or putting me down in some way or another. He calls and emails me all the time. He's not looking to be friends, he just wants to hurt me and because friends is not enough for him. He is totally obsessed with me and it scares me. Also he's after having sex with all my friends even my best friend and he also cheated on me too. Please give me some advice on how I can get him to get over me... and to stop being a asshole his whole life .. thanks:)
VictorM's advice:
Congratulations for breaking up with him. You recognized his dysfunctional personality and ended it. Good for you. All he's doing now is proving you did the right thing.
You have to stay firm. Don't try to help him, do not give him any word of sympathy, do not talk to him. Any little gesture of attention to his tantrums will be interpreted by him as a sign that there is hope. Also, do not insult him, don't put him down, don't call him names. Any attention you give him, even if just negative attention, is better than nothing.
The best you can do is mind your own business, ignore him, avoid him, stay away from the places he goes to, don't be mean, don't be nice. Find another boyfriend. Do NOT think that you can help him, or cure him, or save him -- YOU CAN'T! Not only do you not have the training -- believe me, that guy needs serious professional help -- but any effort on your part to help will be seen by him as you're still interested and there's still hope. Do NOT fall into that trap.
Ok ..so I was surfing the net to get advice and I came across this site so I'm going to try it .... me and my ex boyfriend where going out for 6 months and we have been broke up for 10 months. I broke up with him because I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and he was way to controlling. Ever since I broke up with him he hasn't left me alone. At parties he's either crying or putting me down in some way or another. He calls and emails me all the time. He's not looking to be friends, he just wants to hurt me and because friends is not enough for him. He is totally obsessed with me and it scares me. Also he's after having sex with all my friends even my best friend and he also cheated on me too. Please give me some advice on how I can get him to get over me... and to stop being a asshole his whole life .. thanks:)
VictorM's advice:
Congratulations for breaking up with him. You recognized his dysfunctional personality and ended it. Good for you. All he's doing now is proving you did the right thing.
You have to stay firm. Don't try to help him, do not give him any word of sympathy, do not talk to him. Any little gesture of attention to his tantrums will be interpreted by him as a sign that there is hope. Also, do not insult him, don't put him down, don't call him names. Any attention you give him, even if just negative attention, is better than nothing.
The best you can do is mind your own business, ignore him, avoid him, stay away from the places he goes to, don't be mean, don't be nice. Find another boyfriend. Do NOT think that you can help him, or cure him, or save him -- YOU CAN'T! Not only do you not have the training -- believe me, that guy needs serious professional help -- but any effort on your part to help will be seen by him as you're still interested and there's still hope. Do NOT fall into that trap.
Guy at work keeps flirting with me
Sangeeta, 30, from Australia, asks:
Guy at work keeps flirting with me and we are now really close and have many deep conversations. All of a sudden he mentions a girlfriend after 5 months. I was stunned because he didn't behave like a guy with girlfriend up till now. How do I behave towards him now?
VictorM's advice:
Most of the flirting that goes on at work is simply a way of making the day go by quicker. Also, flirting can be done with someone you like and/or with someone you know you simply can get away with. Flirting with someone doesn't always mean any interest in that person.
Stop flirting and stop responding to his flirting. He'll find something else to pass the time with.
Guy at work keeps flirting with me and we are now really close and have many deep conversations. All of a sudden he mentions a girlfriend after 5 months. I was stunned because he didn't behave like a guy with girlfriend up till now. How do I behave towards him now?
VictorM's advice:
Most of the flirting that goes on at work is simply a way of making the day go by quicker. Also, flirting can be done with someone you like and/or with someone you know you simply can get away with. Flirting with someone doesn't always mean any interest in that person.
Stop flirting and stop responding to his flirting. He'll find something else to pass the time with.
Should I say sorry or let it go?
Courtney, 12, from Grande Prairie, asks:
My friend was in love with this guy and I told her how I felt about a guy I like and she, all my friends, and I even agreed that I was in love with him and his name is Colby, he is 13 and we got in a really fight yesterday. What happened was me and my friend where joking around and we said I was a stalker as a joke and he was standing near us and he heard and he got really mad and then at the end of the day I saw him looking for his bus then I walked up to him and said "now I see why everyone says you're a fag and why everyone wants to kick your fricking butt." Then he said "what?" and I said "That's all I had to say." Now I'm in a really bad shape and it feels like my heart was ripped out and chopped into little pieces and I regret saying that to him now. What should I do? Should I say sorry or let it go and be horrible for a week or should I tell him I love him or not?
VictorM's advice:
Don't tell him you love him but you should say you're sorry. What you said to him was not nice at all. But you feel bad about it, so saying so to him would be a nice gesture. He may not forgive you, but in the long run you'll feel better you said you're sorry.
And don't use the word "fag" anymore, unless you want to grow up to be a scummy right-winger.
My friend was in love with this guy and I told her how I felt about a guy I like and she, all my friends, and I even agreed that I was in love with him and his name is Colby, he is 13 and we got in a really fight yesterday. What happened was me and my friend where joking around and we said I was a stalker as a joke and he was standing near us and he heard and he got really mad and then at the end of the day I saw him looking for his bus then I walked up to him and said "now I see why everyone says you're a fag and why everyone wants to kick your fricking butt." Then he said "what?" and I said "That's all I had to say." Now I'm in a really bad shape and it feels like my heart was ripped out and chopped into little pieces and I regret saying that to him now. What should I do? Should I say sorry or let it go and be horrible for a week or should I tell him I love him or not?
VictorM's advice:
Don't tell him you love him but you should say you're sorry. What you said to him was not nice at all. But you feel bad about it, so saying so to him would be a nice gesture. He may not forgive you, but in the long run you'll feel better you said you're sorry.
And don't use the word "fag" anymore, unless you want to grow up to be a scummy right-winger.
I have been in several extremely bad relationships
H, 26, from USA, asks:
Okay, here is the deal. I have been in several extremely bad relationships, so when I started talking to this new guys I really was not ready for a relationship. But he persisted, however, I was still not ready for that commitment thing yet. After a while we started seeing only each other and have now been a couple for about a year and a half. The problems that we sometimes have are way more than I can or will list on here, but my main concern at this moment is his ex girlfriends. This guy has never been married, has no children and no real reason to keep contact with any ex. However he does. One of them is a crazy gal who is supposed to be on Meds but won't take them, and he not so much has contact with her as she just likes to stalk us. The other ex girlfriend is a chick who likes to go around telling everyone that her child is his (and no its not, it's been proven), the next one is some younger girl whom they had to split up because she could not handle his work schedule and she calls almost daily. The other is a girl he was once engaged to, and he says they don't talk but I recently found out they communicate through email all the time. Now just so you know I have no problem with men and women having friendships, but I do have a problem with wanting to keep your exes that close to you.. But I am curious if this is just something that I am blowing was out of proportion..this guy who I love beyond words says that I am the one he wants to be with and that he is in this relationship for the long haul, however something irks me about this ex girlfriend thing.. what's your take on it???
VictorM's advice:
It's interesting that you "love beyond words" a man who outright lied to you about the contact he was having with one of the ex girlfriends and you make nothing more than a passing reference to it. Your reference to the exes as a "crazy girl" and a "chick" also indicate a serious disrespect for the girls he used to date.
Now, considering that we keep getting attracted to the same type of person over and over unless we look into the causes of those attractions, I'd say you may be a little wacky (because that's who he gets attracted to), and he brings to you the the prospect of another bad relationship (because that's who you get attracted to). This should be a bigger worry to you than the contacts he keeps.
Tell him that it bothers you that he keeps those contacts and that he's lied at least about one of them. This should be enough for him to address your concerns. If he's not willing to act in response to your feelings, you have to wonder about the future of this relationship.
Meanwhile, if you can afford it, see a therapist to get the the bottom of your attractions. You need to change something about yourself to change who you get attracted to.
Okay, here is the deal. I have been in several extremely bad relationships, so when I started talking to this new guys I really was not ready for a relationship. But he persisted, however, I was still not ready for that commitment thing yet. After a while we started seeing only each other and have now been a couple for about a year and a half. The problems that we sometimes have are way more than I can or will list on here, but my main concern at this moment is his ex girlfriends. This guy has never been married, has no children and no real reason to keep contact with any ex. However he does. One of them is a crazy gal who is supposed to be on Meds but won't take them, and he not so much has contact with her as she just likes to stalk us. The other ex girlfriend is a chick who likes to go around telling everyone that her child is his (and no its not, it's been proven), the next one is some younger girl whom they had to split up because she could not handle his work schedule and she calls almost daily. The other is a girl he was once engaged to, and he says they don't talk but I recently found out they communicate through email all the time. Now just so you know I have no problem with men and women having friendships, but I do have a problem with wanting to keep your exes that close to you.. But I am curious if this is just something that I am blowing was out of proportion..this guy who I love beyond words says that I am the one he wants to be with and that he is in this relationship for the long haul, however something irks me about this ex girlfriend thing.. what's your take on it???
VictorM's advice:
It's interesting that you "love beyond words" a man who outright lied to you about the contact he was having with one of the ex girlfriends and you make nothing more than a passing reference to it. Your reference to the exes as a "crazy girl" and a "chick" also indicate a serious disrespect for the girls he used to date.
Now, considering that we keep getting attracted to the same type of person over and over unless we look into the causes of those attractions, I'd say you may be a little wacky (because that's who he gets attracted to), and he brings to you the the prospect of another bad relationship (because that's who you get attracted to). This should be a bigger worry to you than the contacts he keeps.
Tell him that it bothers you that he keeps those contacts and that he's lied at least about one of them. This should be enough for him to address your concerns. If he's not willing to act in response to your feelings, you have to wonder about the future of this relationship.
Meanwhile, if you can afford it, see a therapist to get the the bottom of your attractions. You need to change something about yourself to change who you get attracted to.
Monday, June 18, 2007
I keep falling for him too quickly
Kailey, 13, from California, asks:
Hey,
I sent you a couple messages earlier and I believe your advice worked well. I did move on from Chris because 1) He is too old for me, and 2) He didn't seem interested and I do think he just wanted action.
Also, with Jorge, I think he does like me and I am trying to take it slow, but it's hard because I keep falling for him too quickly. What should I do to keep myself from doing this?
VictorM's advice:
What's wrong with falling too quickly? It's fun liking someone. What's the point of waiting? Life is too short. Go for it.
Hey,
I sent you a couple messages earlier and I believe your advice worked well. I did move on from Chris because 1) He is too old for me, and 2) He didn't seem interested and I do think he just wanted action.
Also, with Jorge, I think he does like me and I am trying to take it slow, but it's hard because I keep falling for him too quickly. What should I do to keep myself from doing this?
VictorM's advice:
What's wrong with falling too quickly? It's fun liking someone. What's the point of waiting? Life is too short. Go for it.
I want him to know me well
yara, 15, from cairo, asks:
I want him to know me well and I would like to know how to make a guy fall in love with me and think that I'm the best thing that's ever happened.
VictorM's advice:
Do two simple things: 1) Greet him using his name and a smile ("Good morning, Amun"); 2) Pay him sincere, short, and spontaneous compliments. ("Love the shirt, Seth")
No guarantees he'll fall in love with you, but he'll want to be around you.
I want him to know me well and I would like to know how to make a guy fall in love with me and think that I'm the best thing that's ever happened.
VictorM's advice:
Do two simple things: 1) Greet him using his name and a smile ("Good morning, Amun"); 2) Pay him sincere, short, and spontaneous compliments. ("Love the shirt, Seth")
No guarantees he'll fall in love with you, but he'll want to be around you.
He says he absolutely adores me
Just a freak of living nature, close enough to 16, from Hell, Missouri, asks:
My Dearest Victor, May I call you Victor?
You see love, there is this guy that talks to me on instant messenger and like... I don't know. He says he absolutely adores me but that's just the thing, I do NOT see why? Of course, of course I know "Well young lady, you seem to be suffering from a case of extreme self esteem issues." And well, I can't take compliments from him well because of this. Well... compliments from anyone to tell you the truth. So point blank, is self esteem a key part of a relationship?
VictorM's answer:
Dearest Victor works for me. :)
Self-esteem is important, whether a relationship is involved or not. But that doesn't have to be the issue in this case. Maybe you just don't understand what it is about you that he likes. That's not the same as saying you don't think you have good qualities. Maybe it's just a matter of you two having different views of what each of you looks for in a chat partner.
When someone says they adore you, it has all to do with how they feel about themselves around you and not what you think about yourself. For example, you may think you're corny but your sense of humor makes him laugh. You may think you don't know enough about some serious topics, but to him you may be the perfect temporary escape from a serious world. You may think you're nothing special, but he feels special that someone like you spends time with him.
If his praise for you sounds sincere, accept it. Maybe he doesn't understand why you talk to him too. But you must like something about him otherwise you wouldn't talk to him.
Just enjoy his company, no matter how unlikely you think your attraction for each other is. He 's enjoying himself talking to you, so to him you are special, even if you don't know what it is that makes it so.
My Dearest Victor, May I call you Victor?
You see love, there is this guy that talks to me on instant messenger and like... I don't know. He says he absolutely adores me but that's just the thing, I do NOT see why? Of course, of course I know "Well young lady, you seem to be suffering from a case of extreme self esteem issues." And well, I can't take compliments from him well because of this. Well... compliments from anyone to tell you the truth. So point blank, is self esteem a key part of a relationship?
VictorM's answer:
Dearest Victor works for me. :)
Self-esteem is important, whether a relationship is involved or not. But that doesn't have to be the issue in this case. Maybe you just don't understand what it is about you that he likes. That's not the same as saying you don't think you have good qualities. Maybe it's just a matter of you two having different views of what each of you looks for in a chat partner.
When someone says they adore you, it has all to do with how they feel about themselves around you and not what you think about yourself. For example, you may think you're corny but your sense of humor makes him laugh. You may think you don't know enough about some serious topics, but to him you may be the perfect temporary escape from a serious world. You may think you're nothing special, but he feels special that someone like you spends time with him.
If his praise for you sounds sincere, accept it. Maybe he doesn't understand why you talk to him too. But you must like something about him otherwise you wouldn't talk to him.
Just enjoy his company, no matter how unlikely you think your attraction for each other is. He 's enjoying himself talking to you, so to him you are special, even if you don't know what it is that makes it so.
The light of his life
Jacquee, 50, from California, asks:
Why does he tell others I am the type of woman he would love to date, get all soft and quiet around me, look at me as if I am the light of his life, but not want to date me?
VictorM's answer:
There could be so many reasons. Here's a small sample: there are other women he feels are just as wonderful; dating is expensive and he can't afford it; he feels sexually inadequate (erectile dysfunction); he's so set in his ways (if he's been alone for a long time) that he's not willing, or is afraid, to allow someone in; etc.
There's a good chance that you're "the light of his life" only in your eyes. Besides, it's one thing to think someone is wonderful and another to want to be committed to that person.
Why does he tell others I am the type of woman he would love to date, get all soft and quiet around me, look at me as if I am the light of his life, but not want to date me?
VictorM's answer:
There could be so many reasons. Here's a small sample: there are other women he feels are just as wonderful; dating is expensive and he can't afford it; he feels sexually inadequate (erectile dysfunction); he's so set in his ways (if he's been alone for a long time) that he's not willing, or is afraid, to allow someone in; etc.
There's a good chance that you're "the light of his life" only in your eyes. Besides, it's one thing to think someone is wonderful and another to want to be committed to that person.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
He doesn't want anything serious
Nicole, 26, from CA, asks:
I have been seeing this 24 year old guy for a couple months now from work. Everything was going really well, and we were having fun and spending a good amount of time together. He seemed really keen and all the signs were there that this was gonna work well. Out of the blue, he says that he doesn't want anything serious and that he really likes me, and would be serious with me if he was going to have a girlfriend. He has just moved here from a different country and only plans to be here for a year or so, so he doesn't want to get into something and then leave again. And he says he was burned by his last long term relationships and he is scared of getting hurt again. Plus he is at the stage of his life where he wants to party and have a good time. Should I believe him? And if he is being honest, should I continue casually dating him? Is there any happy end to this, or could things work out? I insist that he doesn't like me enough, or else he would want to be with me, but he says this isn't true. I am so torn. I like him and want to spend time with him, but he says that he won't allow himself to progress his feelings for me, even if we keep dating... is that true? Or will he inevitably grow close to me to more we spend time together?
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing out of the blue about it. He started dating you and gave it a good shot. But once he came to realize you're not the one, he needed to move on. But in typical guy fashion, he's not going to come out and say it, so the plausible reasons were given (been hurt before, leaving the country, wants to party, blah, blah, blah). It's not that he's lying -- I believe what he says he believes to be the truth -- but if he wants to party, that means he doesn't feel you're the girl to party with.
You have nothing to lose by dating him casually. This way you get to spend time with him and who knows, without the pressure of being a couple, he may feel differently. He could grow closer but the odds are not in your favor. In fact, don't be surprised if once you agree to just date casually, he'll date you even less. Sounds like he's in a gradual phase of letting you down easy.
I have been seeing this 24 year old guy for a couple months now from work. Everything was going really well, and we were having fun and spending a good amount of time together. He seemed really keen and all the signs were there that this was gonna work well. Out of the blue, he says that he doesn't want anything serious and that he really likes me, and would be serious with me if he was going to have a girlfriend. He has just moved here from a different country and only plans to be here for a year or so, so he doesn't want to get into something and then leave again. And he says he was burned by his last long term relationships and he is scared of getting hurt again. Plus he is at the stage of his life where he wants to party and have a good time. Should I believe him? And if he is being honest, should I continue casually dating him? Is there any happy end to this, or could things work out? I insist that he doesn't like me enough, or else he would want to be with me, but he says this isn't true. I am so torn. I like him and want to spend time with him, but he says that he won't allow himself to progress his feelings for me, even if we keep dating... is that true? Or will he inevitably grow close to me to more we spend time together?
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing out of the blue about it. He started dating you and gave it a good shot. But once he came to realize you're not the one, he needed to move on. But in typical guy fashion, he's not going to come out and say it, so the plausible reasons were given (been hurt before, leaving the country, wants to party, blah, blah, blah). It's not that he's lying -- I believe what he says he believes to be the truth -- but if he wants to party, that means he doesn't feel you're the girl to party with.
You have nothing to lose by dating him casually. This way you get to spend time with him and who knows, without the pressure of being a couple, he may feel differently. He could grow closer but the odds are not in your favor. In fact, don't be surprised if once you agree to just date casually, he'll date you even less. Sounds like he's in a gradual phase of letting you down easy.
The love of my life
jessica, 18, from florida, asks:
I've been in along distance relationship with this guy who I'm sure has got to be the love of my life. When we used to be together it was magical and he made me feel like I was in heaven. Something inside of me told me that our relationship was going to survive because we belonged together (he felt that way too). He even said that he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. I'm telling you it was a love out of this earth. Anyway, we went our separate ways and now I feel like his feelings for me have changed. He doesn't even make the effort to call sometimes and that makes me feel really sad because that part was not in my mind. Every time I try to talk to him about the way I feel without him, he tries to tell me that I'm such a little girl. He seems to be just fine without me but I can't forget him. How can I talk to him in a way that he'd understand how I feel? I'm kinda of a romantic girl, but it looks like to him it is difficult to show that affection via phone, internet or any way possible. How do I know if he still is in love with me?
VictorM's advice:
Guys are not the dreamers that girls are. It's just that simple. You two seem to be text book examples of that. All the "you're the love of my life" talk gets old after a while. And how many times do you have to talk about your feelings if he already knows what they are? I'm telling you, the repetition can get downright annoying. If you want all that yapping about how in love you are, fall in love with another girl.
Long distance relationships are more tolerable to girls than to guys. Guys are more physical and need the contact; they need to touch you, see you, kiss you, etc. Words do not replace that.
He may still be in love with you. Not calling you and not getting all mushy about it is no indication of his feelings. You know he's in love with you the same way you knew it before -- because you felt it. Or are you trying to tell me you only "knew" he loved you because he said so?
I've been in along distance relationship with this guy who I'm sure has got to be the love of my life. When we used to be together it was magical and he made me feel like I was in heaven. Something inside of me told me that our relationship was going to survive because we belonged together (he felt that way too). He even said that he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. I'm telling you it was a love out of this earth. Anyway, we went our separate ways and now I feel like his feelings for me have changed. He doesn't even make the effort to call sometimes and that makes me feel really sad because that part was not in my mind. Every time I try to talk to him about the way I feel without him, he tries to tell me that I'm such a little girl. He seems to be just fine without me but I can't forget him. How can I talk to him in a way that he'd understand how I feel? I'm kinda of a romantic girl, but it looks like to him it is difficult to show that affection via phone, internet or any way possible. How do I know if he still is in love with me?
VictorM's advice:
Guys are not the dreamers that girls are. It's just that simple. You two seem to be text book examples of that. All the "you're the love of my life" talk gets old after a while. And how many times do you have to talk about your feelings if he already knows what they are? I'm telling you, the repetition can get downright annoying. If you want all that yapping about how in love you are, fall in love with another girl.
Long distance relationships are more tolerable to girls than to guys. Guys are more physical and need the contact; they need to touch you, see you, kiss you, etc. Words do not replace that.
He may still be in love with you. Not calling you and not getting all mushy about it is no indication of his feelings. You know he's in love with you the same way you knew it before -- because you felt it. Or are you trying to tell me you only "knew" he loved you because he said so?
Saturday, June 16, 2007
He jokes a lot
Hailee, 14, from New Hampshire, asks:
There's this boy I like in school. He jokes a lot and loves making jokes of people. The problem is he keeps asking me out and I can't tell if he wants to do it to somehow make his friends laugh or if he truly wants to go out with me. Could I have some ideas to figure out if he likes me or not?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, I do have an idea: say "yes" to going out with him.
Liking someone always involves risks. You're trying to play it too safe. Life is mostly dull for people who play it too safe.
If you accept his invitation and he's only joking, you'll feel bad but at least you'll know he's a jerk and will stop wondering about him. If he's not joking, you're going out with the boy you like. You really can't lose. Go for it.
There's this boy I like in school. He jokes a lot and loves making jokes of people. The problem is he keeps asking me out and I can't tell if he wants to do it to somehow make his friends laugh or if he truly wants to go out with me. Could I have some ideas to figure out if he likes me or not?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, I do have an idea: say "yes" to going out with him.
Liking someone always involves risks. You're trying to play it too safe. Life is mostly dull for people who play it too safe.
If you accept his invitation and he's only joking, you'll feel bad but at least you'll know he's a jerk and will stop wondering about him. If he's not joking, you're going out with the boy you like. You really can't lose. Go for it.
He got cold feet and backed out
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
hi my boyfriend and I have broke up for over a month now. We were engaged and ready to move in but he got cold feet and backed out. Now we are starting from scratch again, but I'm moving in my own house and I was thinking of renting my second bedroom out, and he's offered to move in and pay me rent for it. Is this a good idea? Why is he wanting to move in now?
VictorM's advice:
Bad... bad... BAD idea. Don't do it.
He wants to do it because he can get the benefits of being a live-in boyfriend without the commitment. If you're going to start from scratch with him, start from scratch. Being roommates is not a new beginning.
Find another roommate.
hi my boyfriend and I have broke up for over a month now. We were engaged and ready to move in but he got cold feet and backed out. Now we are starting from scratch again, but I'm moving in my own house and I was thinking of renting my second bedroom out, and he's offered to move in and pay me rent for it. Is this a good idea? Why is he wanting to move in now?
VictorM's advice:
Bad... bad... BAD idea. Don't do it.
He wants to do it because he can get the benefits of being a live-in boyfriend without the commitment. If you're going to start from scratch with him, start from scratch. Being roommates is not a new beginning.
Find another roommate.
How
Gema, 12, from New Zealand, asks:
How do I know if he likes me? And how do I get him to like me? HEEELLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!
VictorM's help:
For the first question, see here. For the second one: pay him compliments. You know, simple stuff like: "nice shirt, John." "Love the haircut, Bob". "You're cuter than the pimples on my butt, Ogie".
OK, so I gave you two good ideas out of three. Can't be perfect all the time.
How do I know if he likes me? And how do I get him to like me? HEEELLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!
VictorM's help:
For the first question, see here. For the second one: pay him compliments. You know, simple stuff like: "nice shirt, John." "Love the haircut, Bob". "You're cuter than the pimples on my butt, Ogie".
OK, so I gave you two good ideas out of three. Can't be perfect all the time.
To stop this vicious cycle
Sarah, 22, from Michigan, asks:
Ok, my boyfriend and I of about 3 years are very happy together and are planning on getting engaged pretty soon.
Anyway, we're usually pretty good about being able to hash things out without any huge blow-outs or either of us getting overly emotional.
USUALLY. Every once and a while (it seems fairly random with real arguments) we'll discuss something and he'll take something I say the wrong way. It is definitely my fault to some degree because I have a hard time saying what I want to and will blurt out something fairly ridiculous, for example I was frustrated at not being able to see him one evening because we'd both had really bad days and I said that sometimes his friends get to see him much more often than I do. I realize that it sounds accusatory, and I didn't mean it to be... I was *trying* to say that I just wish we lived closer because I really needed a good old boyfriend hug! Anyway, he freaked out and we went in circles both saying the exact same thing for a half an hour both ending up completely in hysterics. I apologized for saying what I said and tried to explain what I meant by it, but he continued to go on about how I know we can't see each other all the time and sometimes our schedules are just horrible to try to meet up and he's just as stressed about it as I am, etc. I understood all of that, I was just frustrated because I wanted a hug, but we both say the same things over and over and end up feeling misunderstood and hurt.
I was just wondering what your advice would be to stop this vicious cycle. I know I am to blame as well, but a lot of the problem is that sometimes he will just keep going about whatever I DIDN'T mean, even if I apologize for the way it sounded or for saying something stupid. If I have a problem I will bring it up to him, so I'm not sure why he is so insistent on finding things wrong with us when I'm just kind of venting. Should I just stop the conversation and re-start it again once we are both calm and have ourselves kind of back together, or should I just leave venting to the girlfriends? He insists he wants to hear about my day, even if it was bad, but it seems that this happens a lot more frequently in this scenario than if we're actually discussing a real problem.
VictorM's advice:
This is such a common problem. Guys are not the best of listeners once it comes to venting. That's because guys are problem solvers. Here's an example: Let's say you have a problem with your boss and want to vent. His reaction: "Quit! Damn him and show the asshole you won't take any of his shit." So rather than help, he adds more stress because quitting your job is not easy and not what you want to do. Empathy is not a strong suit of most guys.
I suggest you train yourself to speak to him in terms of your feelings. In your example of his friends seeing him more than you, something like: "I feel I don't see you enough", or "I wish I could see you" will work better. The moment you start a sentence with "you", it's going to sounds accusatory: "You don't come around as much as I would like" sounds a lot worse than "I wish I could see you more often".
As for the venting part, well, yeah why not rely on friends more instead of him? I often get slack for saying this, but it's important to recognise the not so nice attributes about a person and avoid them as much as possible. So your boyfriend isn't a good listener. Now that you know that, why bang your head against that wall hoping he'll change? He's probably a lousy hairdresser too so you don't go to him for hair cuts, right?
Ok, my boyfriend and I of about 3 years are very happy together and are planning on getting engaged pretty soon.
Anyway, we're usually pretty good about being able to hash things out without any huge blow-outs or either of us getting overly emotional.
USUALLY. Every once and a while (it seems fairly random with real arguments) we'll discuss something and he'll take something I say the wrong way. It is definitely my fault to some degree because I have a hard time saying what I want to and will blurt out something fairly ridiculous, for example I was frustrated at not being able to see him one evening because we'd both had really bad days and I said that sometimes his friends get to see him much more often than I do. I realize that it sounds accusatory, and I didn't mean it to be... I was *trying* to say that I just wish we lived closer because I really needed a good old boyfriend hug! Anyway, he freaked out and we went in circles both saying the exact same thing for a half an hour both ending up completely in hysterics. I apologized for saying what I said and tried to explain what I meant by it, but he continued to go on about how I know we can't see each other all the time and sometimes our schedules are just horrible to try to meet up and he's just as stressed about it as I am, etc. I understood all of that, I was just frustrated because I wanted a hug, but we both say the same things over and over and end up feeling misunderstood and hurt.
I was just wondering what your advice would be to stop this vicious cycle. I know I am to blame as well, but a lot of the problem is that sometimes he will just keep going about whatever I DIDN'T mean, even if I apologize for the way it sounded or for saying something stupid. If I have a problem I will bring it up to him, so I'm not sure why he is so insistent on finding things wrong with us when I'm just kind of venting. Should I just stop the conversation and re-start it again once we are both calm and have ourselves kind of back together, or should I just leave venting to the girlfriends? He insists he wants to hear about my day, even if it was bad, but it seems that this happens a lot more frequently in this scenario than if we're actually discussing a real problem.
VictorM's advice:
This is such a common problem. Guys are not the best of listeners once it comes to venting. That's because guys are problem solvers. Here's an example: Let's say you have a problem with your boss and want to vent. His reaction: "Quit! Damn him and show the asshole you won't take any of his shit." So rather than help, he adds more stress because quitting your job is not easy and not what you want to do. Empathy is not a strong suit of most guys.
I suggest you train yourself to speak to him in terms of your feelings. In your example of his friends seeing him more than you, something like: "I feel I don't see you enough", or "I wish I could see you" will work better. The moment you start a sentence with "you", it's going to sounds accusatory: "You don't come around as much as I would like" sounds a lot worse than "I wish I could see you more often".
As for the venting part, well, yeah why not rely on friends more instead of him? I often get slack for saying this, but it's important to recognise the not so nice attributes about a person and avoid them as much as possible. So your boyfriend isn't a good listener. Now that you know that, why bang your head against that wall hoping he'll change? He's probably a lousy hairdresser too so you don't go to him for hair cuts, right?
I have been losing a lot of sleep
Vaike, 16, from Canada, asks:
There's this guy (we'll call him K) in one of classes who I really like. I've liked him for just over a year now. He's been in a few of my other classes also and we've talked, but not extensively. We have each others emails and screen names and stuff like that. But in the past few weeks, I've noticed that I have been losing a lot of sleep, because I can't get my mind off of him. School is about to break for the summer and I can't go on like this, so I decided that I was going to tell him. Well things twisted a little, and now my friend is planning to just gonna go up and tell him, and I'm fine with that. But he and I haven't actually had like long conversations outside of school and we don't hang out at lunch or anything, but I really really really like him and I'm pretty sure he's noticed me looking at him occasionally, so he might have figured it out. So my question is, should I go on with my plan to tell him or should I attempt to survive the summer and wait until September?
VictorM's advice:
I hope your friend didn't' tell him and I advise you not to tell him either. Besides, if you're not going to see him during the summer, what's the point of telling him anything? If you two can't even get anything going while in school together, why do you think being away will make a difference?
So you won't sleep... sleep is overrated for teenager girls anyway. :)
There's this guy (we'll call him K) in one of classes who I really like. I've liked him for just over a year now. He's been in a few of my other classes also and we've talked, but not extensively. We have each others emails and screen names and stuff like that. But in the past few weeks, I've noticed that I have been losing a lot of sleep, because I can't get my mind off of him. School is about to break for the summer and I can't go on like this, so I decided that I was going to tell him. Well things twisted a little, and now my friend is planning to just gonna go up and tell him, and I'm fine with that. But he and I haven't actually had like long conversations outside of school and we don't hang out at lunch or anything, but I really really really like him and I'm pretty sure he's noticed me looking at him occasionally, so he might have figured it out. So my question is, should I go on with my plan to tell him or should I attempt to survive the summer and wait until September?
VictorM's advice:
I hope your friend didn't' tell him and I advise you not to tell him either. Besides, if you're not going to see him during the summer, what's the point of telling him anything? If you two can't even get anything going while in school together, why do you think being away will make a difference?
So you won't sleep... sleep is overrated for teenager girls anyway. :)
Friday, June 15, 2007
I have been very unhappy
Elizabeth, 39, from San Francisco, asks:
I have been married for quite a few years and for the last four, I have been very unhappy. Very restless...contemplating divorce. I was recently on a business trip and for the first time, I cheated on my husband. To be honest, I had the most amazing evening, this guy bought me dinner, took me to a show and we both had an immediate connection. Knowing what I was doing (cheating) I had my guard up and didn't give up a lot of personal information about myself. He kept on asking to see me again and wanted to fly me back to where he lives. I kept on avoiding his question, but still had an amazing time. (btw - I was wearing my wedding ring) He is a doctor and had to leave around 5:00am to the hospital and said he would call and wake me up the next morning. I did get a phone call early, but it was the place I needed to be for work. I had to leave and missed his call. So, now I will never know if he called or if I will see him again. I cannot seem to get him out of my mind and I do know a way of getting in touch with him. For all I know, he thinks I blew him off. My question: I am obviously married, so I have to figure out what to do there. But should I even try and see if this guy and I can see each other again? To be honest, I had a great time, but I don't even know if I like him yet. It may tell me what I should do with my marriage. I don't know. Confused. I hope this one of your kind of questions, because I am stuck and I cannot ask any of my friends. They would be fairly upset knowing I cheated.
VictorM's advice:
Life is too short to be spending it with someone that you're unhappy with. You're 39, just entering the best times of your life. Don't blow it being unhappy. Your encounter, if nothing else, proved you can find more exciting times with other people. If not this guy, another one. You owe it to yourself to try.
But first things first: get a divorce if working things out with your husband are out of the question. Get that part of your life sorted out before you think of anything or anybody else.
Once you're single, yeah, contact this guy again. Why not? Maybe he's not all that you want. Maybe that one night stand will be all that you two share. But you know you have a lot to offer, and you know there are men out there that can make you feel special. Start looking.
Don't dwell on that night. What is done is done. You learned a lot from it. Now act on what you learned.
I have been married for quite a few years and for the last four, I have been very unhappy. Very restless...contemplating divorce. I was recently on a business trip and for the first time, I cheated on my husband. To be honest, I had the most amazing evening, this guy bought me dinner, took me to a show and we both had an immediate connection. Knowing what I was doing (cheating) I had my guard up and didn't give up a lot of personal information about myself. He kept on asking to see me again and wanted to fly me back to where he lives. I kept on avoiding his question, but still had an amazing time. (btw - I was wearing my wedding ring) He is a doctor and had to leave around 5:00am to the hospital and said he would call and wake me up the next morning. I did get a phone call early, but it was the place I needed to be for work. I had to leave and missed his call. So, now I will never know if he called or if I will see him again. I cannot seem to get him out of my mind and I do know a way of getting in touch with him. For all I know, he thinks I blew him off. My question: I am obviously married, so I have to figure out what to do there. But should I even try and see if this guy and I can see each other again? To be honest, I had a great time, but I don't even know if I like him yet. It may tell me what I should do with my marriage. I don't know. Confused. I hope this one of your kind of questions, because I am stuck and I cannot ask any of my friends. They would be fairly upset knowing I cheated.
VictorM's advice:
Life is too short to be spending it with someone that you're unhappy with. You're 39, just entering the best times of your life. Don't blow it being unhappy. Your encounter, if nothing else, proved you can find more exciting times with other people. If not this guy, another one. You owe it to yourself to try.
But first things first: get a divorce if working things out with your husband are out of the question. Get that part of your life sorted out before you think of anything or anybody else.
Once you're single, yeah, contact this guy again. Why not? Maybe he's not all that you want. Maybe that one night stand will be all that you two share. But you know you have a lot to offer, and you know there are men out there that can make you feel special. Start looking.
Don't dwell on that night. What is done is done. You learned a lot from it. Now act on what you learned.
I think he's trying to play games with me
tiana, 20, from paterson, asks:
I've been dating a guy for the past year and I think he's trying to play games with me. I really am starting to love him but he doesn't seem to give it back. He seems to be focused on something else. I asked him what was our status but he told me he doesn't want a girlfriend right know, but he tells me he needs me to finish school and acts as if he cares. Is he worth my time?
VictorM's advice:
He's upfront about not wanting a relationship right now. How is that playing games with you? I think you're the one who's playing games with yourself. Just because you're starting to like the guy you expect him to feel the same way about you. Doesn't work that way.
He doesn't want a relationship right now (meaning, he doesn't want one with you). So, is he worth it? You tell me.
I've been dating a guy for the past year and I think he's trying to play games with me. I really am starting to love him but he doesn't seem to give it back. He seems to be focused on something else. I asked him what was our status but he told me he doesn't want a girlfriend right know, but he tells me he needs me to finish school and acts as if he cares. Is he worth my time?
VictorM's advice:
He's upfront about not wanting a relationship right now. How is that playing games with you? I think you're the one who's playing games with yourself. Just because you're starting to like the guy you expect him to feel the same way about you. Doesn't work that way.
He doesn't want a relationship right now (meaning, he doesn't want one with you). So, is he worth it? You tell me.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Decent, gentle, loving man
tessy, 23, from: u.s.a, asks:
Hello dear,
Hi my name is tessy I am a nice, honest,faithful loving girl who is looking for the same in a decent gentle loving man I am looking for a long term relationship in a man of your kind who understands the need to love and be loved. i hope to find a good husband here. waiting to hear from you soon.yours forever in love, tessy
VictorM's answer:
Nice, honest, faithful, decent, gentle, loving man. Hey, I resemble that remark!
Hello dear,
Hi my name is tessy I am a nice, honest,faithful loving girl who is looking for the same in a decent gentle loving man I am looking for a long term relationship in a man of your kind who understands the need to love and be loved. i hope to find a good husband here. waiting to hear from you soon.yours forever in love, tessy
VictorM's answer:
Nice, honest, faithful, decent, gentle, loving man. Hey, I resemble that remark!
I asked him out he has been really mean to me
Ata;oa, 13, from Coon Rapids, asks:
There is this guy I like and his name is Dean. Ever since I asked him out he has been really mean to me. What kind of message should I give him so that he will leave me alone?
VictorM's advice:
You let him know that you like him and now he's letting you know that he likes you. Yep, being mean to the girl he likes is a very normal 13 year old boy's reaction (that's because boys that age make fun of their friends who have a girl that likes them, so the boy gets mean with the girl to get their buddies of his back).
Tell him: "Dean, I know that being mean to me is your way of showing you like me but I'd prefer you to show it by being nice to me." This is called reverse-psychology. Maybe he'll stop being mean.
If he doesn't stop, tell him you're going to tell all your friends that he has a penis the size of your pinky.
(OK, don't tell him the penis line; I'm only kidding!)
There is this guy I like and his name is Dean. Ever since I asked him out he has been really mean to me. What kind of message should I give him so that he will leave me alone?
VictorM's advice:
You let him know that you like him and now he's letting you know that he likes you. Yep, being mean to the girl he likes is a very normal 13 year old boy's reaction (that's because boys that age make fun of their friends who have a girl that likes them, so the boy gets mean with the girl to get their buddies of his back).
Tell him: "Dean, I know that being mean to me is your way of showing you like me but I'd prefer you to show it by being nice to me." This is called reverse-psychology. Maybe he'll stop being mean.
If he doesn't stop, tell him you're going to tell all your friends that he has a penis the size of your pinky.
(OK, don't tell him the penis line; I'm only kidding!)
He has not told his ex wife or family about me
Rhaine, 32, from Hawaii, asks:
I have been seeing someone quite seriously for almost a year now. When I met him he said he was separated from his wife for 2 years and still had to complete the divorce. We were friends for a long time before becoming closer because I have always made a conscientious decision to never get involved with a married man but I really like him. So, he got the divorce and we have been happy together. We have a semi-long distance relationship but when we meet it is for a month every other month. I am bothered that he has not told his ex wife or family about me. He is coming to visit me for 2 months and has to lie to his family every time he meets me. He said he is protecting me but I think it has been long enough that I am special enough for him to tell the people who are closest to him. He does not want to hurt his ex and does not want me to be seen as a "home wrecker" by his family even though he said they were separated for 2 years, his family didn't know and it was a surprise to them that they got divorced. He is a different kind of man, romantic, loving, sensitive, he listens, seems open with his life (except for the part I have a problem with) he always feels bad for his lack of being around in his marriage and always feels like he needs to apologise to her. Anyway, what do you get from all of this?
VictorM's advice:
You have plenty to be bothered by. No matter how you look at it, it doesn't bode well for you. Whether he still has feelings for his ex, is a secretive person, just feels guilt, is a coward who can't handle confrontations, or is just concerned with hurting his ex's feelings, you seem to sit at the bottom of the deck. If you have a serious relationship going you deserve more.
Don't set yourself up for being the kind of person who ignores the obvious, just because you like him. He's not open with his ex, he's not open with his family, and yet you think he's open about his life. The marriage problems happened because he wasn't around, and now he sees you every other month. Sounds like the pattern is repeating itself. And he's too concerned with his ex's feelings -- more so than yours -- even after more than a couple of years. Um... I would be a little more skeptical if I were you.
Tell him how you feel. Tell him you're a mature woman and he need not protect you from labels. If he wants to do what's best, that you think telling his family the truth is the best thing to do. Maybe you just haven't been very direct about how this situation really bothers you and once he knows it does, he'll act on it.
But if you decide to be very direct with him, be prepared for him to bolt away from the relationship; he may choose to preserve the current relationship with them over your feelings. Either way, I think you're better off dealing with the consequences. Would you want to find out sooner rather than later that he's not into you as much as you think/hope? If the answer is no, then carry on as is and ignore all I said.
I have been seeing someone quite seriously for almost a year now. When I met him he said he was separated from his wife for 2 years and still had to complete the divorce. We were friends for a long time before becoming closer because I have always made a conscientious decision to never get involved with a married man but I really like him. So, he got the divorce and we have been happy together. We have a semi-long distance relationship but when we meet it is for a month every other month. I am bothered that he has not told his ex wife or family about me. He is coming to visit me for 2 months and has to lie to his family every time he meets me. He said he is protecting me but I think it has been long enough that I am special enough for him to tell the people who are closest to him. He does not want to hurt his ex and does not want me to be seen as a "home wrecker" by his family even though he said they were separated for 2 years, his family didn't know and it was a surprise to them that they got divorced. He is a different kind of man, romantic, loving, sensitive, he listens, seems open with his life (except for the part I have a problem with) he always feels bad for his lack of being around in his marriage and always feels like he needs to apologise to her. Anyway, what do you get from all of this?
VictorM's advice:
You have plenty to be bothered by. No matter how you look at it, it doesn't bode well for you. Whether he still has feelings for his ex, is a secretive person, just feels guilt, is a coward who can't handle confrontations, or is just concerned with hurting his ex's feelings, you seem to sit at the bottom of the deck. If you have a serious relationship going you deserve more.
Don't set yourself up for being the kind of person who ignores the obvious, just because you like him. He's not open with his ex, he's not open with his family, and yet you think he's open about his life. The marriage problems happened because he wasn't around, and now he sees you every other month. Sounds like the pattern is repeating itself. And he's too concerned with his ex's feelings -- more so than yours -- even after more than a couple of years. Um... I would be a little more skeptical if I were you.
Tell him how you feel. Tell him you're a mature woman and he need not protect you from labels. If he wants to do what's best, that you think telling his family the truth is the best thing to do. Maybe you just haven't been very direct about how this situation really bothers you and once he knows it does, he'll act on it.
But if you decide to be very direct with him, be prepared for him to bolt away from the relationship; he may choose to preserve the current relationship with them over your feelings. Either way, I think you're better off dealing with the consequences. Would you want to find out sooner rather than later that he's not into you as much as you think/hope? If the answer is no, then carry on as is and ignore all I said.
From the first moment I saw him I totally liked him
Ariel, 16, from illinois, asks:
So I go to my cousin's house every weekend to play board games with my family. And my cousin has a friend Andy who comes over to play too, and from the first moment I saw him I totally liked him and he liked me, everyone saw it. So each week we flirted and finally like 3 weeks after our first meeting we exchanged phone numbers and we talk and text all the time. A few nights after we exchanged numbers we talked and eventually came out with it that we both liked each other. So we continued to see each other on the weekends but we didn't actually go out. Well I got really busy with school and couldn't make it for two weeks in a row. And when I did come back he had a girlfriend, which totally threw me because he never mentioned one. So now it's been a couple of months and he still flirts with me and is always saying his girlfriend is boring and they are always having problems. I don't know if this is just a tactic to get me to say I like him and he can break up with her or if he is truly in love with his girl and they are just having problems. And on top of all that I really think he's an awsome guy and I don't know if he knows it! What should I do, ask him out or just stay friends and hide my feelings???
VictorM's advice:
He has a girlfriend -- stay out of it. Stay friends and that's all. Enjoy his company but until and unless he breaks up with her, stay out of it. How he treats her is most likely how he would treat you if you become his girlfriend. If he doesn't respect the girl enough to break-up with her if he's not happy with her, he won't respect you either if he finds himself in the same situation with you.
So I go to my cousin's house every weekend to play board games with my family. And my cousin has a friend Andy who comes over to play too, and from the first moment I saw him I totally liked him and he liked me, everyone saw it. So each week we flirted and finally like 3 weeks after our first meeting we exchanged phone numbers and we talk and text all the time. A few nights after we exchanged numbers we talked and eventually came out with it that we both liked each other. So we continued to see each other on the weekends but we didn't actually go out. Well I got really busy with school and couldn't make it for two weeks in a row. And when I did come back he had a girlfriend, which totally threw me because he never mentioned one. So now it's been a couple of months and he still flirts with me and is always saying his girlfriend is boring and they are always having problems. I don't know if this is just a tactic to get me to say I like him and he can break up with her or if he is truly in love with his girl and they are just having problems. And on top of all that I really think he's an awsome guy and I don't know if he knows it! What should I do, ask him out or just stay friends and hide my feelings???
VictorM's advice:
He has a girlfriend -- stay out of it. Stay friends and that's all. Enjoy his company but until and unless he breaks up with her, stay out of it. How he treats her is most likely how he would treat you if you become his girlfriend. If he doesn't respect the girl enough to break-up with her if he's not happy with her, he won't respect you either if he finds himself in the same situation with you.
We've started liking each other
monica, 16, from new jersey, asks:
I've had this guy friend all year and we never really liked each other. All year we've been telling each other about our other love interests, but recently we've started liking each other, at least I think. We kissed the other day when we were hanging out, but he always talked about how being benefriends with people is always easier. What do I do? Do I talk to him about how I like him and see if he's in the same boat?
VictorM's advice:
If you give just about any guy a choice of being committed or be friends with benefits, he'll take the latter. If you go along with benfriends, most guys will perceive you as the type of girl a guy should not get serious about. So, if you want a chance of having something more serious with him, stop the benefits. Now!
Should you tell him how you feel about him? No! You'll gain a better sense of whether he's in the same boat as you by cutting off the benefits part. If he likes you, he'll still want to be with you and work to get your attention. If he is in it just for the benefits, he'll sail away.
I've had this guy friend all year and we never really liked each other. All year we've been telling each other about our other love interests, but recently we've started liking each other, at least I think. We kissed the other day when we were hanging out, but he always talked about how being benefriends with people is always easier. What do I do? Do I talk to him about how I like him and see if he's in the same boat?
VictorM's advice:
If you give just about any guy a choice of being committed or be friends with benefits, he'll take the latter. If you go along with benfriends, most guys will perceive you as the type of girl a guy should not get serious about. So, if you want a chance of having something more serious with him, stop the benefits. Now!
Should you tell him how you feel about him? No! You'll gain a better sense of whether he's in the same boat as you by cutting off the benefits part. If he likes you, he'll still want to be with you and work to get your attention. If he is in it just for the benefits, he'll sail away.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
He told me he liked me too but
C, 24, from UK, asks:
I met up with a guy i met online in a club and we kissed, his friend told me the guy really liked me and talked about me a lot. Nothing much was said about the kiss so I finally told him I liked him. He told me he liked me too but his head had been messed with and he wasn't getting into a relationship right now. He said he liked me but wanted to know if I wanted to be friends or whatever else. I told him that it was ok if we were friends and that maybe we could see what happens later on. I haven't heard from him since, so I don't really know what to think. If he doesn't like me I'd rather know than get dragged along. He seems a really nice, honest, shyish guy. So I don't know what to think. Thanks and any advice would be good.
VictorM's advice:
Good luck getting a guy to tell you straight out he doesn't like you. Most guys will say what he did. That's because it's not like he doesn't like you; he probably does, just not enough to be tied down. But why not just be friends then? Well, you already kissed and you told him you liked him. You can't be just friends. It's that simple.
He gave you the answer he did, and stays away from you, simply because he's not into you. But you might came in handy on a cold lonely night or he might change his feelings about you, so why burn any bridges? For now, why spend time with you when he can use that time to find a challenge, a conquest, someone that lights up his loins?
I met up with a guy i met online in a club and we kissed, his friend told me the guy really liked me and talked about me a lot. Nothing much was said about the kiss so I finally told him I liked him. He told me he liked me too but his head had been messed with and he wasn't getting into a relationship right now. He said he liked me but wanted to know if I wanted to be friends or whatever else. I told him that it was ok if we were friends and that maybe we could see what happens later on. I haven't heard from him since, so I don't really know what to think. If he doesn't like me I'd rather know than get dragged along. He seems a really nice, honest, shyish guy. So I don't know what to think. Thanks and any advice would be good.
VictorM's advice:
Good luck getting a guy to tell you straight out he doesn't like you. Most guys will say what he did. That's because it's not like he doesn't like you; he probably does, just not enough to be tied down. But why not just be friends then? Well, you already kissed and you told him you liked him. You can't be just friends. It's that simple.
He gave you the answer he did, and stays away from you, simply because he's not into you. But you might came in handy on a cold lonely night or he might change his feelings about you, so why burn any bridges? For now, why spend time with you when he can use that time to find a challenge, a conquest, someone that lights up his loins?
What ten ways can a girl tell if a boy likes her?
Jessiicaa, 13, from Bristol, asks:
What ten ways can a girl tell if a boy likes her what are the signs for me to look out for? He is in my tutor and I can't avoid him! What shall I do?
VictorM's advice:
Ten ways? Boys are too simple for that many. I'll give you one. Look for the boy to change his behavior when you're around. For example, he jokes with other girls, but does not joke with you. If he's telling jokes does he stop when you arrive? Anything that he does differently between when you're there and you're not is a clue that he likes you.
What ten ways can a girl tell if a boy likes her what are the signs for me to look out for? He is in my tutor and I can't avoid him! What shall I do?
VictorM's advice:
Ten ways? Boys are too simple for that many. I'll give you one. Look for the boy to change his behavior when you're around. For example, he jokes with other girls, but does not joke with you. If he's telling jokes does he stop when you arrive? Anything that he does differently between when you're there and you're not is a clue that he likes you.
Walnut: How about me?
Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:
Hi Victor,
I have moved in to my friends' parents' house. But I still need to find a long term place to stay. I have just left ex-home for 2 weeks. They have removed all my stuff from the room where ex boyfriend and I used to live. The ex-best friend moved in there. I know that would happen, but heard that from ex boyfriend made it very hard. I need to pick up my things some point in the coming days. I don't even want to get close to there. My ex home, I spent a month searching from the internet, looked for the right location and rental price. We moved in and set it up. Now another woman just took over everything. Imaging, this woman could have a hand on my baby in the future...(perhaps, my jealous is a bit unreasonable. She wasn't a bad person. At least, she wouldn't hurt a baby, I think) I understand that all these can't happen without my ex boyfriend's approval. I did try my best, did everything I could and committed 100% into this relationship/this family. Their movement killed my last tiny hope of reunion of the relationship and future 3 people family(a dad, a mum and a baby). The outcome is so disappointed. I should be happy, feeling depress is not good for the baby. Now I need to begin a new life and prepare for baby arrival. I know I can do it bit by bit. How can I make this process easier and happier? For him, things is easy. He broke up the relationship. I think that's hard for both of us. But he's in the control, he was mentally more prepared. He quickly find a new girl and be happy again... how about me? I know a new guy would ease the pain. But this looks not a right time to look for someone, with baby coming. Even in the future, I need to be very careful to choose people around me, because I need to make sure that's for my baby's best interest.
VictorM's advice:
Walnut, as long as you're looking for happiness elsewhere other than yourself, you'll never find it.
What happened to you sucks. No question about it. But the "what about me" question is up to you to resolve. Look at it this way: your ex is getting a backstabber as a girlfriend; you're getting a baby. You're the lucky one. You'll enjoy more happiness. Be good to your baby and to yourself and all the good karma will come back to you.
Hi Victor,
I have moved in to my friends' parents' house. But I still need to find a long term place to stay. I have just left ex-home for 2 weeks. They have removed all my stuff from the room where ex boyfriend and I used to live. The ex-best friend moved in there. I know that would happen, but heard that from ex boyfriend made it very hard. I need to pick up my things some point in the coming days. I don't even want to get close to there. My ex home, I spent a month searching from the internet, looked for the right location and rental price. We moved in and set it up. Now another woman just took over everything. Imaging, this woman could have a hand on my baby in the future...(perhaps, my jealous is a bit unreasonable. She wasn't a bad person. At least, she wouldn't hurt a baby, I think) I understand that all these can't happen without my ex boyfriend's approval. I did try my best, did everything I could and committed 100% into this relationship/this family. Their movement killed my last tiny hope of reunion of the relationship and future 3 people family(a dad, a mum and a baby). The outcome is so disappointed. I should be happy, feeling depress is not good for the baby. Now I need to begin a new life and prepare for baby arrival. I know I can do it bit by bit. How can I make this process easier and happier? For him, things is easy. He broke up the relationship. I think that's hard for both of us. But he's in the control, he was mentally more prepared. He quickly find a new girl and be happy again... how about me? I know a new guy would ease the pain. But this looks not a right time to look for someone, with baby coming. Even in the future, I need to be very careful to choose people around me, because I need to make sure that's for my baby's best interest.
VictorM's advice:
Walnut, as long as you're looking for happiness elsewhere other than yourself, you'll never find it.
What happened to you sucks. No question about it. But the "what about me" question is up to you to resolve. Look at it this way: your ex is getting a backstabber as a girlfriend; you're getting a baby. You're the lucky one. You'll enjoy more happiness. Be good to your baby and to yourself and all the good karma will come back to you.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
We got married but only 2 or 3 friends know
Tina, 24, from India, asks:
I met him in my office, we joined the same day, we were good friends. Later we loved each other. About a year back, we got married but only 2 or 3 friends know about our marriage, we go out once in a while and make love. He has lots of friends (girls and boys), one of his friends (girl -- let me name her “X”), was in love with him and she did not know about our wedding. I didn't like the way she talked to him, so I spoke to my husband many times, but he always say the she was a good friend. From past 4 to 5 months he stopped telling me about her, and one day I happen to get her cell phone in my hand, I read the messages sent by my husband and sent by her, it was like the love each other. I told my husband the same so he told me that one night after drinking he and x made love, and it continued for all these months. Now that I know all this, he was sorry about it and told x about our wedding to her, he also told that he never loved her, was trying to give meaning to what happened that night, he still loves him, and my husband feels bad for what he did and pain x and I went through because of this. Now he is back, he informs me if he speaks to x. I would like to know how to regain the trust which I had on him, and how to react when he is close to any of his friend (girl). I really love him and can't let him go out of my life, he made a mistake, which we are trying to correct, please let me know how to improve and strengthen our married life. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Once trust is broken it's so hard to get it back. In this situation, the burden to make amends rests with him. He is the one that has to make an extra effort to show you that he can be trusted, by avoiding contact with X and by dealing with female friends in a way that is proper and doesn't make you uncomfortable. If he's not willing to do this, I don't see that there is much you can do other than cease to care, which I can tell from the tone of your question is not what you want to do.
You should talk to him in terms of things he can do to ease your distrust. Don't use language like "you shouldn't talk this girl...", instead, use language like "it hurts my feelings when you talk to this girl...". Let him know what hurts your feelings and what makes you lose trust. Of course, whether he does anything about it or not I can't say.
I met him in my office, we joined the same day, we were good friends. Later we loved each other. About a year back, we got married but only 2 or 3 friends know about our marriage, we go out once in a while and make love. He has lots of friends (girls and boys), one of his friends (girl -- let me name her “X”), was in love with him and she did not know about our wedding. I didn't like the way she talked to him, so I spoke to my husband many times, but he always say the she was a good friend. From past 4 to 5 months he stopped telling me about her, and one day I happen to get her cell phone in my hand, I read the messages sent by my husband and sent by her, it was like the love each other. I told my husband the same so he told me that one night after drinking he and x made love, and it continued for all these months. Now that I know all this, he was sorry about it and told x about our wedding to her, he also told that he never loved her, was trying to give meaning to what happened that night, he still loves him, and my husband feels bad for what he did and pain x and I went through because of this. Now he is back, he informs me if he speaks to x. I would like to know how to regain the trust which I had on him, and how to react when he is close to any of his friend (girl). I really love him and can't let him go out of my life, he made a mistake, which we are trying to correct, please let me know how to improve and strengthen our married life. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Once trust is broken it's so hard to get it back. In this situation, the burden to make amends rests with him. He is the one that has to make an extra effort to show you that he can be trusted, by avoiding contact with X and by dealing with female friends in a way that is proper and doesn't make you uncomfortable. If he's not willing to do this, I don't see that there is much you can do other than cease to care, which I can tell from the tone of your question is not what you want to do.
You should talk to him in terms of things he can do to ease your distrust. Don't use language like "you shouldn't talk this girl...", instead, use language like "it hurts my feelings when you talk to this girl...". Let him know what hurts your feelings and what makes you lose trust. Of course, whether he does anything about it or not I can't say.
I was flattered
Kailey, 13, from California, asks:
I just met this guy on Friday (2 days ago) named Jorge. His cousin Diana, who is my bestfriend, brought him along with us for a carnival. Right when he saw me, he told Diana that I was really pretty. I was flattered because I thought he was cute, too. So the whole time we were flirting. When I left, I had his AIM and MySpace. That night, the following morning, and the morning of the next day (Sunday) we talked, and he always gave a couple hints of wanting to see me, and always used hearts and smiley faces but is it possible that he could like me already, or should I get to know him better?
VictorM's answer:
Kailey, you're one busy girl! :) Are you giving up on Chris?
Thirteen year old boys have the attention span of Lindsay Lohan at a rehabilitation center. Anyway, yeah Jorge likes you... for the next 12 minutes anyway. Just be careful or you're going to have a cyber baby!
I just met this guy on Friday (2 days ago) named Jorge. His cousin Diana, who is my bestfriend, brought him along with us for a carnival. Right when he saw me, he told Diana that I was really pretty. I was flattered because I thought he was cute, too. So the whole time we were flirting. When I left, I had his AIM and MySpace. That night, the following morning, and the morning of the next day (Sunday) we talked, and he always gave a couple hints of wanting to see me, and always used hearts and smiley faces but is it possible that he could like me already, or should I get to know him better?
VictorM's answer:
Kailey, you're one busy girl! :) Are you giving up on Chris?
Thirteen year old boys have the attention span of Lindsay Lohan at a rehabilitation center. Anyway, yeah Jorge likes you... for the next 12 minutes anyway. Just be careful or you're going to have a cyber baby!
I didn't want to get in the middle
Kate, 25, from New Zealand, asks:
I have a good mate Todd who came to see me and told me he had fallen out with one of his best mates, Carl. He does not know this but Carl and I have seen each other casually for 2 years. Carl visited me and told me he had argued with Todd, but he had a different version of what happened. I told him I didn't want to get in the middle but he text me the next day and to fob him off I just stated that Todd had told me that they had argued after Carl had asked him for a favour and he was too busy. Carl then forwarded my text message to Todd and now Todd refuses to be my friend. I rang Carl and confronted him and he hung up on me. What is your advice for how I might fix this neither are taking my calls?
VictorM's advice:
You meddled in the world of boys not being prepared for it. You screwed up in two ways: One, you said you didn't want to get in the middle, but you did. You betrayed Todd's trust and revealed to Carl that you can't be trusted. I don't blame the guys for being mad at you. Two, you confronted Carl (which probably means long explanations and blah blah blah yap yap yap, and then you let him hung up on you first; there should have been no confrontation -- you should have hung-up on him after telling him he was a jerk.
How to fix this? One, stop calling either of them. Guys need some time to cool off and then they'll be fine. Two, if you bump into any of them, don't apologise, just tell them to go fuck themselves for being such stupid assholes and if they don't grow the fuck up you'll never talk to them again.
Yeah, use that language. That's why guys generally don't carry grudges into eternity. We call each other names and then go share some beers. I bet Carl and Todd will be fine again soon.
I have a good mate Todd who came to see me and told me he had fallen out with one of his best mates, Carl. He does not know this but Carl and I have seen each other casually for 2 years. Carl visited me and told me he had argued with Todd, but he had a different version of what happened. I told him I didn't want to get in the middle but he text me the next day and to fob him off I just stated that Todd had told me that they had argued after Carl had asked him for a favour and he was too busy. Carl then forwarded my text message to Todd and now Todd refuses to be my friend. I rang Carl and confronted him and he hung up on me. What is your advice for how I might fix this neither are taking my calls?
VictorM's advice:
You meddled in the world of boys not being prepared for it. You screwed up in two ways: One, you said you didn't want to get in the middle, but you did. You betrayed Todd's trust and revealed to Carl that you can't be trusted. I don't blame the guys for being mad at you. Two, you confronted Carl (which probably means long explanations and blah blah blah yap yap yap, and then you let him hung up on you first; there should have been no confrontation -- you should have hung-up on him after telling him he was a jerk.
How to fix this? One, stop calling either of them. Guys need some time to cool off and then they'll be fine. Two, if you bump into any of them, don't apologise, just tell them to go fuck themselves for being such stupid assholes and if they don't grow the fuck up you'll never talk to them again.
Yeah, use that language. That's why guys generally don't carry grudges into eternity. We call each other names and then go share some beers. I bet Carl and Todd will be fine again soon.
My husband's cousin would flirt with me a lot
Andrea, 19, from Texas, asks:
I have been married for three years and since I married I noticed that my husband's cousin would flirt with me a lot. One time I confused him with my husband and then I told him I had gotten confused and he said "bueno fuera" meaning it would be good if it were true! He also once said what a beautiful girl is coming my way and I was the only one present. However, it had been a while since we had seen each other and now that we saw each other again my friend told me she saw him staring at me as I was walking with a smile on his face! Then my husband told me his cousin told him he hadn't noticed the new four wheeler (which was behind me) and that that was why he was staring a lot to that direction, however, my husband had not asked him anything about the staring! I really want to know if he could possibly be interested, since my husband cheated on me for two years, I feel confused and with need of attention!
VictorM's answer:
Well, it seems obvious he finds you attractive and that his respect for his cousin ranks as low as president's Bush approval ratings. But if you're in need of attention, why don't you just go to a NASCAR race wearing Daisy Duke shorts?
(For those who don't get it, these are Daisy Duke shorts).
I have been married for three years and since I married I noticed that my husband's cousin would flirt with me a lot. One time I confused him with my husband and then I told him I had gotten confused and he said "bueno fuera" meaning it would be good if it were true! He also once said what a beautiful girl is coming my way and I was the only one present. However, it had been a while since we had seen each other and now that we saw each other again my friend told me she saw him staring at me as I was walking with a smile on his face! Then my husband told me his cousin told him he hadn't noticed the new four wheeler (which was behind me) and that that was why he was staring a lot to that direction, however, my husband had not asked him anything about the staring! I really want to know if he could possibly be interested, since my husband cheated on me for two years, I feel confused and with need of attention!
VictorM's answer:
Well, it seems obvious he finds you attractive and that his respect for his cousin ranks as low as president's Bush approval ratings. But if you're in need of attention, why don't you just go to a NASCAR race wearing Daisy Duke shorts?
(For those who don't get it, these are Daisy Duke shorts).
Does this mean he really doesn't like me?
Kailey, 13, from California, asks:
I met this guy, Chris, at a church dance that my friend took me to. He's 3 years older than me, but he seems really into me, always holding my hand, putting his arm around me, and at the last slow dance we were really close. Even at the end of the dance, he kissed me. I was thrilled to have a guy to like me this much, even if it was quite fast. We still exchanged phone numbers, and he called me right after the dance.
Well, Chris had two friends, Austin and Phillipe. Austin and my friend Katarina hit it off like we did, and Phillipe was just another guy there to hang out with. The next day after the dance, Phillipe Instant Messaged me and he said that Chris was only using me for action. I didn't know what to believe so I didn't really say anything.
The next dance, which was a week later, Chris couldn't make it and Austin had a big project, so he said. Does this mean he really doesn't like me, and is using me, or is Phillipe telling the truth?
VictorM's answer:
Chris, as a 16 year old boy, wakes up and goes to sleep horny. His hormones are on fire. Clearly he's not attracted to you just because you bake great cookies, so you should keep in mind that at your age, boys will want some action, but you should find out if that's ALL they want or more than you're willing to give.
So, could it be that Chris just wants you just for action? It's easy enough to tell: don't give him any and see if he still calls you and wants to be with you. If he doesn't, you got your answer; if he does, this proves Phillipe is wrong.
I met this guy, Chris, at a church dance that my friend took me to. He's 3 years older than me, but he seems really into me, always holding my hand, putting his arm around me, and at the last slow dance we were really close. Even at the end of the dance, he kissed me. I was thrilled to have a guy to like me this much, even if it was quite fast. We still exchanged phone numbers, and he called me right after the dance.
Well, Chris had two friends, Austin and Phillipe. Austin and my friend Katarina hit it off like we did, and Phillipe was just another guy there to hang out with. The next day after the dance, Phillipe Instant Messaged me and he said that Chris was only using me for action. I didn't know what to believe so I didn't really say anything.
The next dance, which was a week later, Chris couldn't make it and Austin had a big project, so he said. Does this mean he really doesn't like me, and is using me, or is Phillipe telling the truth?
VictorM's answer:
Chris, as a 16 year old boy, wakes up and goes to sleep horny. His hormones are on fire. Clearly he's not attracted to you just because you bake great cookies, so you should keep in mind that at your age, boys will want some action, but you should find out if that's ALL they want or more than you're willing to give.
So, could it be that Chris just wants you just for action? It's easy enough to tell: don't give him any and see if he still calls you and wants to be with you. If he doesn't, you got your answer; if he does, this proves Phillipe is wrong.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Is he using me?
Miranda, 28, from Atlanta, asks:
This guy that I am sorta seeing is in and out of town all the time for work. Sometimes when he is in town I never hear from him. He has always kept somewhat of an emotional distance from me ... but only when we're not together. Because when we do talk or see each other ... everything is right on the money. He has liked me for a long time but has told me he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship since he just got out of one 8 months ago ... is he just using me or is he scared to get attached again?
VictorM's answer:
Generally, a guy is scared to get attached when he isn't sure about the girl. So, yeah, he likes you, but not enough. Not yet anyway.
Is he using you? No. I'm going by your own words: you are only "sorta seeing" him, he's in and out of town, he never calls you (I assume you're the one that keeps calling him), and he's told you he doesn't want a relationship at this time. So I don't see how he's using you; you don't have a relationship and he's been direct about his intentions.
I think you're the one living in a fantasy world and denying the obvious: he likes you but he's not into you.
This guy that I am sorta seeing is in and out of town all the time for work. Sometimes when he is in town I never hear from him. He has always kept somewhat of an emotional distance from me ... but only when we're not together. Because when we do talk or see each other ... everything is right on the money. He has liked me for a long time but has told me he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship since he just got out of one 8 months ago ... is he just using me or is he scared to get attached again?
VictorM's answer:
Generally, a guy is scared to get attached when he isn't sure about the girl. So, yeah, he likes you, but not enough. Not yet anyway.
Is he using you? No. I'm going by your own words: you are only "sorta seeing" him, he's in and out of town, he never calls you (I assume you're the one that keeps calling him), and he's told you he doesn't want a relationship at this time. So I don't see how he's using you; you don't have a relationship and he's been direct about his intentions.
I think you're the one living in a fantasy world and denying the obvious: he likes you but he's not into you.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Yeah, I know
Carly, asks:
I was new to this school, and one guy caught my attention. It seemed like he liked me, and I liked him. So on the last day of school, a friend told him that I liked him. All he said was 'Yeah I know'.
It's not like I was super obvious about it, but I knew that I flirted a little bit. I'm just wondering what this means.
VictorM's answer:
"Yeah I know" means he can take you for granted now because he knows you like him. You became the one girl he can keep on the shelf and "save for a rainy day" while he pursues other conquests.
I was new to this school, and one guy caught my attention. It seemed like he liked me, and I liked him. So on the last day of school, a friend told him that I liked him. All he said was 'Yeah I know'.
It's not like I was super obvious about it, but I knew that I flirted a little bit. I'm just wondering what this means.
VictorM's answer:
"Yeah I know" means he can take you for granted now because he knows you like him. You became the one girl he can keep on the shelf and "save for a rainy day" while he pursues other conquests.
I was engaged to be married
Sharon, 35, from CA, asks:
I was engaged to be married. About a month after we were engaged, he told me that he had a "stalker" and she found out we were engaged and might try to contact me.
About 3 months later I get a phone call out of the blue from "the stalker." She tells me that she has been in contact with "Bill" almost the whole time we have been together, he asked to see her 9 times in the 1.5 years he and I had been together, slept together once and she has the emails to prove it. I told her I didn't believe her and didn't want to see the emails.
I called "Bill" and he said he would take care of it. Later that night I asked him about the emails. He admitted that he dated her before we met and he did email her back and forth from while at work "quite a bit" but swears they never were together. I emailed him the following day and told him to pass along my email address to her if she needs to contact me she could do it thru email.
That night she Cc: me on an email reply to Bill. Bill had emailed her and told her that he would get her in trouble at work if she contacted my parents. I emailed her back and told her if she wanted to send me emails to do so or if not, to get on with her life. She and I emailed back and forth that night. She gave me date of their last sexual encounter (while we had been together for almost a year). I asked "Bill" about it and he admitted they were together. I told him I needed a break to think about things.
She then sent me the emails they exchanged. There were over 200 emails and email strings. They run from sexual to discussing their weekend football picks. There are even emails where he wanted to meet up with her and a guy she was seeing on a date and I could tell he was bothered she was dating. I read where she told him less that 2 months before he proposed that she wouldn't see him anymore if he was seeing me. He said he understood. She tried harder to pull away from him and he tried to do things indirectly to get her attention. He even sent flirty emails to her a week after we were engaged.
Apparently, he told her over a phone call that we were engaged. She got mad and threatened to tell me. I don't know why she didn't right away, but she cooled down and he talked to her again via email a little more. And did a few other things to get her attention.
I don't understand why he asked me to marry him. I think it is quite clear that he really still is "into her" or whatever. And she is into him as well. He could have her if really wanted her.
We are both Greek and come from traditional Greek families. She isn't Greek at all. His ex-wife is getting remarried to the guy she left him for almost 9 years ago. He had a milestone birthday-35.
Why would he ask me to marry him if he still was into her? Is there any point in my staying?
VictorM's answer:
You answered one of your question: he was willing to marry you because he wants a traditional Greek family, something she can't offer.
Is there any point in staying? I assume he has nice qualities, otherwise you wouldn't have been engaged, but are you willing to live with an untrustworthy man who has repeatedly cheated and lied to you? Only you can answer that.
I was engaged to be married. About a month after we were engaged, he told me that he had a "stalker" and she found out we were engaged and might try to contact me.
About 3 months later I get a phone call out of the blue from "the stalker." She tells me that she has been in contact with "Bill" almost the whole time we have been together, he asked to see her 9 times in the 1.5 years he and I had been together, slept together once and she has the emails to prove it. I told her I didn't believe her and didn't want to see the emails.
I called "Bill" and he said he would take care of it. Later that night I asked him about the emails. He admitted that he dated her before we met and he did email her back and forth from while at work "quite a bit" but swears they never were together. I emailed him the following day and told him to pass along my email address to her if she needs to contact me she could do it thru email.
That night she Cc: me on an email reply to Bill. Bill had emailed her and told her that he would get her in trouble at work if she contacted my parents. I emailed her back and told her if she wanted to send me emails to do so or if not, to get on with her life. She and I emailed back and forth that night. She gave me date of their last sexual encounter (while we had been together for almost a year). I asked "Bill" about it and he admitted they were together. I told him I needed a break to think about things.
She then sent me the emails they exchanged. There were over 200 emails and email strings. They run from sexual to discussing their weekend football picks. There are even emails where he wanted to meet up with her and a guy she was seeing on a date and I could tell he was bothered she was dating. I read where she told him less that 2 months before he proposed that she wouldn't see him anymore if he was seeing me. He said he understood. She tried harder to pull away from him and he tried to do things indirectly to get her attention. He even sent flirty emails to her a week after we were engaged.
Apparently, he told her over a phone call that we were engaged. She got mad and threatened to tell me. I don't know why she didn't right away, but she cooled down and he talked to her again via email a little more. And did a few other things to get her attention.
I don't understand why he asked me to marry him. I think it is quite clear that he really still is "into her" or whatever. And she is into him as well. He could have her if really wanted her.
We are both Greek and come from traditional Greek families. She isn't Greek at all. His ex-wife is getting remarried to the guy she left him for almost 9 years ago. He had a milestone birthday-35.
Why would he ask me to marry him if he still was into her? Is there any point in my staying?
VictorM's answer:
You answered one of your question: he was willing to marry you because he wants a traditional Greek family, something she can't offer.
Is there any point in staying? I assume he has nice qualities, otherwise you wouldn't have been engaged, but are you willing to live with an untrustworthy man who has repeatedly cheated and lied to you? Only you can answer that.
Why do guys act like complete jerks
Beth, 16, from Texas, asks:
Why do guys act like complete jerks when they're with their guy friends?
VictorM's answer:
Because they're out to impress each other, not you.
The social manners of members of a group generally drop down to the level of the biggest jerk in the group. If the rest didn't tolerate that guy and his behavior, he wouldn't be part of the group. And so it becomes a case of peer pressure to please that guy. That's why people say that you're judged by the company you keep. If a guy has jerks as close friends, he's either a jerk or a weakling.
Why do guys act like complete jerks when they're with their guy friends?
VictorM's answer:
Because they're out to impress each other, not you.
The social manners of members of a group generally drop down to the level of the biggest jerk in the group. If the rest didn't tolerate that guy and his behavior, he wouldn't be part of the group. And so it becomes a case of peer pressure to please that guy. That's why people say that you're judged by the company you keep. If a guy has jerks as close friends, he's either a jerk or a weakling.
"doomed" the relationship for eventual failure?
Meg, 23, from Boston, asks:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, but I lost my virginity to him after only 1 month of dating! We are very much in love now, and I can see us being together for the long-term, seriously. Do you think my "allowing" sex to enter the picture so early was damaging at all, or "doomed" the relationship for eventual failure? I've been reading lately to never have sex that early.
VictorM's advice:
"We are very much in love". That's all that matters, now and forever.
You're reading too much crap and thinking way too much. Enjoy being in love and stop worrying.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, but I lost my virginity to him after only 1 month of dating! We are very much in love now, and I can see us being together for the long-term, seriously. Do you think my "allowing" sex to enter the picture so early was damaging at all, or "doomed" the relationship for eventual failure? I've been reading lately to never have sex that early.
VictorM's advice:
"We are very much in love". That's all that matters, now and forever.
You're reading too much crap and thinking way too much. Enjoy being in love and stop worrying.
He's a great guy - witty attractive, the whole nine yards
Jordan, 23, from Las Vegas, asks:
I am soon moving to another state and have recently met someone living where I am relocating to through a mutual friend attempting to help my move easier. He's a great guy - witty attractive, the whole nine yards every girl claims the guy she is dating is. We currently communicate mostly through phone and text messages, and while there is great potential for a relationship, still remain distant because of the physical distance between us. My problem: said guy is involved with a very large party scene. Multiple nights every week and has girls chasing him constantly. It is almost like an entirely separate personality. I too am involved with a similar scene - as noted I live in Las Vegas, "America's Playground" yet not with the same extent. As said, we are not in a relationship, yet everything hints that one is definitely potential once I make the move in less than a month. I am not the type of girl who will chase a guy - and he is accustomed to the opposite. Is it better to stick with my usual behavior, or do a little more of the "chasing"?
VictorM's advice:
Stick to your behavior. He has plenty of girls chasing him already. Maybe what you offer is what he's after, namely, not a typical party girl. In any case, if all he wants from you is another party girl, is he the type of guy you'd be after for a relationship?
Vegas, huh? I wish you good luck - you're going to need it.
I am soon moving to another state and have recently met someone living where I am relocating to through a mutual friend attempting to help my move easier. He's a great guy - witty attractive, the whole nine yards every girl claims the guy she is dating is. We currently communicate mostly through phone and text messages, and while there is great potential for a relationship, still remain distant because of the physical distance between us. My problem: said guy is involved with a very large party scene. Multiple nights every week and has girls chasing him constantly. It is almost like an entirely separate personality. I too am involved with a similar scene - as noted I live in Las Vegas, "America's Playground" yet not with the same extent. As said, we are not in a relationship, yet everything hints that one is definitely potential once I make the move in less than a month. I am not the type of girl who will chase a guy - and he is accustomed to the opposite. Is it better to stick with my usual behavior, or do a little more of the "chasing"?
VictorM's advice:
Stick to your behavior. He has plenty of girls chasing him already. Maybe what you offer is what he's after, namely, not a typical party girl. In any case, if all he wants from you is another party girl, is he the type of guy you'd be after for a relationship?
Vegas, huh? I wish you good luck - you're going to need it.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
I've asked him out but he said no
Gema, 12, from new zealand, asks:
hi I'm 12 and I need to know does he like me? I've asked him out but he said no. Not long after, he stopped me and said I was up all night thinking about what you asked. And ever since he's been real sweet and nice. So does he like me? My friends say he does.
VictorM's answer:
Your friend is a genius. Of course he likes you. But boys are a little slow in knowing a good thing when they see it. So give him time. Meanwhile, be sweet and nice back.
hi I'm 12 and I need to know does he like me? I've asked him out but he said no. Not long after, he stopped me and said I was up all night thinking about what you asked. And ever since he's been real sweet and nice. So does he like me? My friends say he does.
VictorM's answer:
Your friend is a genius. Of course he likes you. But boys are a little slow in knowing a good thing when they see it. So give him time. Meanwhile, be sweet and nice back.
Friday, June 08, 2007
Can I send that poem to my ex?
Peggy, from USA, asks:
Hi, I broke up with my fiance recently. Question: Sometimes I like to make a poem to express my feelings. Can I send that poem to his email just to let him know what I feel right now? I'm just hoping after read my poem he will realize that I miss him so much and I against this break up. Do you think it's a good idea to send the poems to his e mail? I don't know what should I do because I miss him and I can't do anything to change his mind...:( Is it wrong if I'm still hoping that we're going get back together soon?
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing wrong with you wishing you two get back together, but I don't think sending a poem is going to make a difference. He broke up with you. I doubt very much it was because he wasn't impressed with your literary creativity. Your poem isn't going to fix anything.
Having said that, I think you should send the poem. I don't see any downside to sending it. If you don't send it you'll always wonder what could have happened if he read it. At least remove that doubt from your mind.
Just don't get your hopes high.
Hi, I broke up with my fiance recently. Question: Sometimes I like to make a poem to express my feelings. Can I send that poem to his email just to let him know what I feel right now? I'm just hoping after read my poem he will realize that I miss him so much and I against this break up. Do you think it's a good idea to send the poems to his e mail? I don't know what should I do because I miss him and I can't do anything to change his mind...:( Is it wrong if I'm still hoping that we're going get back together soon?
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
There's nothing wrong with you wishing you two get back together, but I don't think sending a poem is going to make a difference. He broke up with you. I doubt very much it was because he wasn't impressed with your literary creativity. Your poem isn't going to fix anything.
Having said that, I think you should send the poem. I don't see any downside to sending it. If you don't send it you'll always wonder what could have happened if he read it. At least remove that doubt from your mind.
Just don't get your hopes high.
The current guy is more stable but less exciting
Isabelle, 29, from Scottsdale, AZ, asks:
I started dating a great friend and drama around us caused a split. He basically became angry at the situation and took it out on me by cutting off our relationship/friendship without talking it through. I've been in a current relationship since the split with the ex and was recently contacted with a heart felt apology. It has brought up a lot of emotions and memories, and I feel that there are unresolved feelings that deserve to be worked through. I'm not sure if it's worth risking the current relationship. The current guy is more stable but less exciting. I'm afraid the ex's past behavior is a red flag, but he has my heart. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
The worst things we carry into our old age are regrets. And generally, we regret what we don't do more than we regret what we do. Translation: take chances, follow your heart.
Ask yourself, when you're older what do you think would be a bigger regret, not having given the ex a second chance or breaking up with current guy? Only you can answer.
I started dating a great friend and drama around us caused a split. He basically became angry at the situation and took it out on me by cutting off our relationship/friendship without talking it through. I've been in a current relationship since the split with the ex and was recently contacted with a heart felt apology. It has brought up a lot of emotions and memories, and I feel that there are unresolved feelings that deserve to be worked through. I'm not sure if it's worth risking the current relationship. The current guy is more stable but less exciting. I'm afraid the ex's past behavior is a red flag, but he has my heart. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
The worst things we carry into our old age are regrets. And generally, we regret what we don't do more than we regret what we do. Translation: take chances, follow your heart.
Ask yourself, when you're older what do you think would be a bigger regret, not having given the ex a second chance or breaking up with current guy? Only you can answer.
I usually ignore him
alyssa, 16, from oklahoma, asks:
I've like this guy for a while now. And everyone said he used to like me but now I usually ignore him because he stopped talking to me and never IMes me anymore. I feel like he doesn't want to be bothered with me. I don't mean to give him an attitude but I just don't really say hi and he ignores me too. I would do anything for this guy because he made me feel so special and I used to be so happy. For the past couple months I've been pretty upset about it and I usually cry over it and I've only told a couple people. I feel so ugly and i feel like I'm not good enough for this kid. Even though we used to be such good friends now it feels like we are strangers. I really don't know what to do. I wish that he could like me. He still stares at me all the time and stuff but I think he just does that because he thinks I'm weird or something.
VictorM's advice:
You're making one basically flawed assumption when you say: "I feel like he doesn't want to be bothered with me." He's not responsible for your feelings. So unless you find out for sure that he doesn't want to be bothered, you're bringing all of this upon yourself.
Sometimes a small, insignificant thing can lead someone to believe another person doesn't want to talk to them. And so they drift apart. Change all that! Be the brave one. Start saying hi to him with a smile. Use his name when you say hi (people like hearing their name). IM him first if you're not confident enough to start talking in person. Make an effort. Do not assume he doesn't want to talk to you.
If he was so nice to you before he's worth taking the risk. A simple "Hi, [his name]" can change everything. Go for it.
Let us know how it went.
I've like this guy for a while now. And everyone said he used to like me but now I usually ignore him because he stopped talking to me and never IMes me anymore. I feel like he doesn't want to be bothered with me. I don't mean to give him an attitude but I just don't really say hi and he ignores me too. I would do anything for this guy because he made me feel so special and I used to be so happy. For the past couple months I've been pretty upset about it and I usually cry over it and I've only told a couple people. I feel so ugly and i feel like I'm not good enough for this kid. Even though we used to be such good friends now it feels like we are strangers. I really don't know what to do. I wish that he could like me. He still stares at me all the time and stuff but I think he just does that because he thinks I'm weird or something.
VictorM's advice:
You're making one basically flawed assumption when you say: "I feel like he doesn't want to be bothered with me." He's not responsible for your feelings. So unless you find out for sure that he doesn't want to be bothered, you're bringing all of this upon yourself.
Sometimes a small, insignificant thing can lead someone to believe another person doesn't want to talk to them. And so they drift apart. Change all that! Be the brave one. Start saying hi to him with a smile. Use his name when you say hi (people like hearing their name). IM him first if you're not confident enough to start talking in person. Make an effort. Do not assume he doesn't want to talk to you.
If he was so nice to you before he's worth taking the risk. A simple "Hi, [his name]" can change everything. Go for it.
Let us know how it went.
What makes me think he likes me
Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:
Does He Like Me?
Here’s what makes me think he likes me:
1. He looks at me a lot when he doesn’t think I can notice
2. His friends have been paying more attention to me and asking me questions recently
3. He just “shows up” everywhere I am
4. He tries really hard to find opportunities to grab my hand, talk to me and sit next to me
BUT: he was really mean to me a couple of weeks ago. He knew that I liked him, and then he completely trashed me in front of the whole school, especially my closest friends. He said stuff so bad my friends won’t repeat it. But now it seems like he’s trying super hard to win me back. I’m trying really hard to avoid him and send the message that he’ll have to do something big to win me over.
I want to know: are the odds good that he likes me? How can I let him know that I want an apology? How should I react to what he’s been doing (I have basically been trying to ignore all of this, but it’s been pretty hard)? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Are the odds good that he likes me? The odds are very good that he likes you. I say this mainly because he said mean things to you (I'm serious, 13 year old boys are freaks of living nature).
How can I let him know that I want an apology? Tell him directly that's what you want. Be specific with what he did that you feel he needs to issue an apology.
How should I react to what he’s been doing... It's called "forgiveness". Try it. It's a good thing.
Does He Like Me?
Here’s what makes me think he likes me:
1. He looks at me a lot when he doesn’t think I can notice
2. His friends have been paying more attention to me and asking me questions recently
3. He just “shows up” everywhere I am
4. He tries really hard to find opportunities to grab my hand, talk to me and sit next to me
BUT: he was really mean to me a couple of weeks ago. He knew that I liked him, and then he completely trashed me in front of the whole school, especially my closest friends. He said stuff so bad my friends won’t repeat it. But now it seems like he’s trying super hard to win me back. I’m trying really hard to avoid him and send the message that he’ll have to do something big to win me over.
I want to know: are the odds good that he likes me? How can I let him know that I want an apology? How should I react to what he’s been doing (I have basically been trying to ignore all of this, but it’s been pretty hard)? Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Are the odds good that he likes me? The odds are very good that he likes you. I say this mainly because he said mean things to you (I'm serious, 13 year old boys are freaks of living nature).
How can I let him know that I want an apology? Tell him directly that's what you want. Be specific with what he did that you feel he needs to issue an apology.
How should I react to what he’s been doing... It's called "forgiveness". Try it. It's a good thing.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
He lives 3 hours way
jes, 25, from new zealand, asks:
I'm seeing this guy. He lives 3 hours way from me so I don't see him as much as I want to. I may text a little too much. It started out that we saw each other every 2nd weekend but I haven't seen him in 9 weeks. He says he's always busy. Last week things were fine and he was still texting but I haven't heard from him in a week. Should I just show up at his place this weekend?
VictorM's advice:
Show up for what? To check on him? To see if he's lying? If you don't let him know you're coming I can't imagine him thinking you're visiting for any other reason. Don't do it.
If it's because you miss him and want to see him, call him (or text) that you want to see him and are willing to drive to him. He can't be that busy.
But he hasn't seen you in 9 weeks? Even with you willing to drive to him? Frankly, what else do you need to happen for you to realize this is a bad deal you've got going? Sounds like he lost interest.
Anyway, what do you expect to accomplish with your drive, besides proving you're either obsessed or don't believe him? Save yourself 6 hours drive and much drama -- tell him you two are finished. Then see whether he's relieved or tries to make a better effort to see you.
I'm seeing this guy. He lives 3 hours way from me so I don't see him as much as I want to. I may text a little too much. It started out that we saw each other every 2nd weekend but I haven't seen him in 9 weeks. He says he's always busy. Last week things were fine and he was still texting but I haven't heard from him in a week. Should I just show up at his place this weekend?
VictorM's advice:
Show up for what? To check on him? To see if he's lying? If you don't let him know you're coming I can't imagine him thinking you're visiting for any other reason. Don't do it.
If it's because you miss him and want to see him, call him (or text) that you want to see him and are willing to drive to him. He can't be that busy.
But he hasn't seen you in 9 weeks? Even with you willing to drive to him? Frankly, what else do you need to happen for you to realize this is a bad deal you've got going? Sounds like he lost interest.
Anyway, what do you expect to accomplish with your drive, besides proving you're either obsessed or don't believe him? Save yourself 6 hours drive and much drama -- tell him you two are finished. Then see whether he's relieved or tries to make a better effort to see you.
Sleeping with my ex
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
I've started sleeping with my ex. We broke up a month ago and he wants to go back out with me but I just want his friendship, or so I thought. We went out for dinner, to amusements which he won my teddys, cinema all in the space of 4 days then I accidentally slept with him which has made him think things are back on. I enjoy the sex but I don't love him anymore. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You accidentally slept with him? Is this some kind of a code for something else? Because for a simple male mind like mine this sounds like utter bullshit. Maybe someone can translate this for me.
You should tell him you don't love him. If you're going to hurt him, do it with the truth. Do it today! But hey, he might still be OK with having sex with you anyway.
But frankly, I think you should move on! Find someone else for sex... and for a chance at love.
I've started sleeping with my ex. We broke up a month ago and he wants to go back out with me but I just want his friendship, or so I thought. We went out for dinner, to amusements which he won my teddys, cinema all in the space of 4 days then I accidentally slept with him which has made him think things are back on. I enjoy the sex but I don't love him anymore. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You accidentally slept with him? Is this some kind of a code for something else? Because for a simple male mind like mine this sounds like utter bullshit. Maybe someone can translate this for me.
You should tell him you don't love him. If you're going to hurt him, do it with the truth. Do it today! But hey, he might still be OK with having sex with you anyway.
But frankly, I think you should move on! Find someone else for sex... and for a chance at love.
He never does actually ring
cathy, 25, from london, asks:
Why would an ex boyfriend say that he would ring you the next day for a chat, but then he never does actually ring?? So you're the one who has to contact them again. Is it mind games?? Are they not bothered about talking to you at all??
VictorM's advice:
Why does he say he will ring? Maybe because he knows that saying it will get you off his back, at least for that moment. Maybe it's just a parting statement... less final than "goodbye"... more polite than "leave me alone you annoying fucking bitch!"... not quite a big lie as "I look forward to seeing you again"... "I'll ring you". Yeah. (Whenever).
Why are you contacting him anyway? He's your ex for a reason. Maybe he really doesn't want to talk to you anymore. You should take the clue and leave him alone.
Why would an ex boyfriend say that he would ring you the next day for a chat, but then he never does actually ring?? So you're the one who has to contact them again. Is it mind games?? Are they not bothered about talking to you at all??
VictorM's advice:
Why does he say he will ring? Maybe because he knows that saying it will get you off his back, at least for that moment. Maybe it's just a parting statement... less final than "goodbye"... more polite than "leave me alone you annoying fucking bitch!"... not quite a big lie as "I look forward to seeing you again"... "I'll ring you". Yeah. (Whenever).
Why are you contacting him anyway? He's your ex for a reason. Maybe he really doesn't want to talk to you anymore. You should take the clue and leave him alone.
Marriage purpose
Swati, 24, from India, asks:
I have been talking to a guy for marriage purpose. He talks romantic stuff like he likes to celebrate every moment when he would be with his partner and much more.... He says that he is emotional and girls are fools because girls can easily trust any guy. He has started liking me though he hasn't said it directly and said that he can sense something between us. How can I be sure of his words. What do I do? I will appreciate your advice. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Forget the words, they'll mislead you too often, whether intentionally or not.
Can you sense something between you two? If you do, that's a start but him liking you is not enough. Does he show it? Does he treat you nicely? Does he think you're a fool too or does he respect you?
Forget the words; trust your instincts.
I have been talking to a guy for marriage purpose. He talks romantic stuff like he likes to celebrate every moment when he would be with his partner and much more.... He says that he is emotional and girls are fools because girls can easily trust any guy. He has started liking me though he hasn't said it directly and said that he can sense something between us. How can I be sure of his words. What do I do? I will appreciate your advice. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Forget the words, they'll mislead you too often, whether intentionally or not.
Can you sense something between you two? If you do, that's a start but him liking you is not enough. Does he show it? Does he treat you nicely? Does he think you're a fool too or does he respect you?
Forget the words; trust your instincts.
Mariana, part 3
Mariana, 22, from Buenos Aires, Argentina, says:
You're making it all about men. Women are not all about men. We have different ways to deal with stuff but it has nothing to do with being complicated or not.
I would separate your third paragraph in two:
1. Things women and men expect from each other. I don’t think you’re being fair. At all. “Don't buy me diamonds, flowers, chocolate; I'm still happy with you. Don't write me a love note, or buy me a gift for my birthday or a gift for no reason at all, I still want to have sex with you “. You talk as if men weren’t asking for anything and women were asking for the world. Sure, you don’t need diamonds, flowers or chocolate (I don’t either but I won’t get personal) because you want something else. Women show they care by doing other things. You don’t buy flowers to a guy, you cook for him, you try to make him fell good about himself when he’s not feeling at best, you laugh at his jokes, you know you have to get out of the way when his team loses, you cheer him when he’s winning at some stupid game (except soccer. I love soccer). I don’t buy this “guys are insensitive” thing. You would mind if a girl didn’t show affection or if she wasn’t attentive to you. After all… you do have a large ego to feed.
2. Ways women and men act in certain situations. Here it’s definitely NOT about men. You don’t care about looks, we do. You compete with other guys to see who got the hottest girl, who got the most expensive car/apartment/TV and blablabla and who’s got the biggest penis.
Women need to feel beautiful, desired and unique. Clothing and style is a big part of that. If you didn’t like this, you would be dating guys.
Different doesn’t mean complicated. Only a narrow mind would think of those two words as synonyms.
Anyway, this blog is meant for questions not discussions so... I guess this is it =)
The song is called "Dime que no", by Ricardo Arjona.
VictorM's comment:
You have the last say. In part because you're too smart, in part because you love soccer. :)
Thanks for the name of the song and artist.
You're making it all about men. Women are not all about men. We have different ways to deal with stuff but it has nothing to do with being complicated or not.
I would separate your third paragraph in two:
1. Things women and men expect from each other. I don’t think you’re being fair. At all. “Don't buy me diamonds, flowers, chocolate; I'm still happy with you. Don't write me a love note, or buy me a gift for my birthday or a gift for no reason at all, I still want to have sex with you “. You talk as if men weren’t asking for anything and women were asking for the world. Sure, you don’t need diamonds, flowers or chocolate (I don’t either but I won’t get personal) because you want something else. Women show they care by doing other things. You don’t buy flowers to a guy, you cook for him, you try to make him fell good about himself when he’s not feeling at best, you laugh at his jokes, you know you have to get out of the way when his team loses, you cheer him when he’s winning at some stupid game (except soccer. I love soccer). I don’t buy this “guys are insensitive” thing. You would mind if a girl didn’t show affection or if she wasn’t attentive to you. After all… you do have a large ego to feed.
2. Ways women and men act in certain situations. Here it’s definitely NOT about men. You don’t care about looks, we do. You compete with other guys to see who got the hottest girl, who got the most expensive car/apartment/TV and blablabla and who’s got the biggest penis.
Women need to feel beautiful, desired and unique. Clothing and style is a big part of that. If you didn’t like this, you would be dating guys.
Different doesn’t mean complicated. Only a narrow mind would think of those two words as synonyms.
Anyway, this blog is meant for questions not discussions so... I guess this is it =)
The song is called "Dime que no", by Ricardo Arjona.
VictorM's comment:
You have the last say. In part because you're too smart, in part because you love soccer. :)
Thanks for the name of the song and artist.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
My affection for him has only increased
Sally, 17, from Boston, asks:
I really like this guy Chris in school since like 5th grade. We actually were in kindergarten together. My affection for him has only increased. I feel he is the guy of my dreams. I was actually going out with another guy for 6 months and recently broke up with him for many reasons, but mainly he never made me feel good about myself and he kept on pressuring to have sex. I was not ready. He did not understand. When I needed some advice I went to Chris because we have always been friends. I messaged him thru my space. He wrote me back saying he was honored that I came to him. He gave me some pretty good advice and told me that if a guy is not willing to respect you and wait until you are ready you should break up with them. Then he preceded to tell me that I am the most amazing person he has ever met and that I could get any guy I wanted. And then he said that he loved me, a sincere love he said. He said that he would always be there for me all I have to do is ask. So when I got his reply I didn't actually know what to make of it. Was it just a friend trying to be nice to me or what. Then in one of my notes to him I thanked him very much and I said hopefully we can hang out this summer. He wrote me back and said why wait till summer we should do something now. So I said OK. So we just went out this past weekend to dinner and a movie. He paid for everything and was the nicest person I ever met. I am head over heels for him. I guess I always was. But now comes the waiting part and it is keeping me up at night. Will he ask me out again? Does he really like me? etc. I don't know what to do. I was hoping he would call me the next day but he didn't. He did text me that night and said he had a great time and that I looked damn good. But even with that I am going crazy. Is this normal? What do you think I should do? What should I do if he doesn't call me? Should I call him or message him on my space? I think it was quite obvious to him that I liked him and that I would go out with him again. We didn't hold hands or kiss on our date but I felt a connection. He is joining the marines after high school and I don't want to waste our senior year playing games so should I just tell him how I feel?
VictorM's advice:
Don't think of the courtship as playing games. It's a process where people try to find out as much about the other as they can BEFORE that get too serious. That's what he's doing. Not calling you on the next day it's quite normal. He doesn't want to appear too eager... and neither should do.
Some people will think this waiting is playing games, but I don't see it that way. I think it's smart behavior that slows the process down to give everyone involved more time to sort out their feelings and to not react too fast.
The anticipation, doubts, wondering that you are going through is all part of the process. It's exciting. It's fun. Enjoy it. Give him a couple of days to contact you. If he doesn't, contact him again.
Keep something else in mind. You said he paid for your date. Maybe he doesn't have the money to take you out again so soon. You could suggest going to a place where no money needs to be spent (just in case money is an issue). Invite him to the park, buy him some ice cream... that sorta thing.
I really like this guy Chris in school since like 5th grade. We actually were in kindergarten together. My affection for him has only increased. I feel he is the guy of my dreams. I was actually going out with another guy for 6 months and recently broke up with him for many reasons, but mainly he never made me feel good about myself and he kept on pressuring to have sex. I was not ready. He did not understand. When I needed some advice I went to Chris because we have always been friends. I messaged him thru my space. He wrote me back saying he was honored that I came to him. He gave me some pretty good advice and told me that if a guy is not willing to respect you and wait until you are ready you should break up with them. Then he preceded to tell me that I am the most amazing person he has ever met and that I could get any guy I wanted. And then he said that he loved me, a sincere love he said. He said that he would always be there for me all I have to do is ask. So when I got his reply I didn't actually know what to make of it. Was it just a friend trying to be nice to me or what. Then in one of my notes to him I thanked him very much and I said hopefully we can hang out this summer. He wrote me back and said why wait till summer we should do something now. So I said OK. So we just went out this past weekend to dinner and a movie. He paid for everything and was the nicest person I ever met. I am head over heels for him. I guess I always was. But now comes the waiting part and it is keeping me up at night. Will he ask me out again? Does he really like me? etc. I don't know what to do. I was hoping he would call me the next day but he didn't. He did text me that night and said he had a great time and that I looked damn good. But even with that I am going crazy. Is this normal? What do you think I should do? What should I do if he doesn't call me? Should I call him or message him on my space? I think it was quite obvious to him that I liked him and that I would go out with him again. We didn't hold hands or kiss on our date but I felt a connection. He is joining the marines after high school and I don't want to waste our senior year playing games so should I just tell him how I feel?
VictorM's advice:
Don't think of the courtship as playing games. It's a process where people try to find out as much about the other as they can BEFORE that get too serious. That's what he's doing. Not calling you on the next day it's quite normal. He doesn't want to appear too eager... and neither should do.
Some people will think this waiting is playing games, but I don't see it that way. I think it's smart behavior that slows the process down to give everyone involved more time to sort out their feelings and to not react too fast.
The anticipation, doubts, wondering that you are going through is all part of the process. It's exciting. It's fun. Enjoy it. Give him a couple of days to contact you. If he doesn't, contact him again.
Keep something else in mind. You said he paid for your date. Maybe he doesn't have the money to take you out again so soon. You could suggest going to a place where no money needs to be spent (just in case money is an issue). Invite him to the park, buy him some ice cream... that sorta thing.
Is this just one of those "tests"?
Lynda, 46, from Colorado, asks:
I met this guy online and we have seen each other 3 or 4 times (dates). He seemed very interested and (I thought) we had a good time together. Last Thursday he invited me to go on a bike (Harley) ride with him on Saturday. I sent him an email Friday and asked him what time he wanted to meet. Well, Saturday came and went and I never heard from him, still haven't (as of Monday). Is this just one of those "tests" that seem to always happen at the beginning of a relationship? When and if he does contact me next what should my reaction be? Or should I contact him first? Should I be angry? Or just blow it off? What will gain his respect in this situation?
VictorM's advice:
No, this is not a test by the guy. But this is a test for you nevertheless.
So he stood you up. [In my Clint Eastwood voice] Well, punk, what are you going to do about it?
Unless he has some really good excuse, like he fell off the bike and his skull got run over by a truck, this is a test to see how much respect you demand from a guy. Anything short of a perfect excuse and you have been blessed with an example of what to expect from him. Can't say you haven't been warned.
I say, give him the benefit of the doubt for now... call him and find out what happened. If he's in the morgue or a hospital bed, excuse him, if not, put him there! Or better yet, move on -- you have found a lemon not worth bothering with!
I met this guy online and we have seen each other 3 or 4 times (dates). He seemed very interested and (I thought) we had a good time together. Last Thursday he invited me to go on a bike (Harley) ride with him on Saturday. I sent him an email Friday and asked him what time he wanted to meet. Well, Saturday came and went and I never heard from him, still haven't (as of Monday). Is this just one of those "tests" that seem to always happen at the beginning of a relationship? When and if he does contact me next what should my reaction be? Or should I contact him first? Should I be angry? Or just blow it off? What will gain his respect in this situation?
VictorM's advice:
No, this is not a test by the guy. But this is a test for you nevertheless.
So he stood you up. [In my Clint Eastwood voice] Well, punk, what are you going to do about it?
Unless he has some really good excuse, like he fell off the bike and his skull got run over by a truck, this is a test to see how much respect you demand from a guy. Anything short of a perfect excuse and you have been blessed with an example of what to expect from him. Can't say you haven't been warned.
I say, give him the benefit of the doubt for now... call him and find out what happened. If he's in the morgue or a hospital bed, excuse him, if not, put him there! Or better yet, move on -- you have found a lemon not worth bothering with!
I love him to bits but...
amy, 18, from blackpool, asks:
My boyfriend and I have been off n on for a year now and we always seem to break up over the same thing, however, we have overcome this problem but I think I have come to drive him away..... he always used to stand me up for his mates last minute.. (eg: we would have planned a night out and yet again I would get dropped when his mates asked him to do something instead) now all he seems to do is wanna be with his friends, and it is almost like he only wants to be with me when his mates aren't doing anything or he wants sex... I love him to bits but its getting stupid. I don't wanna end it but I am unhappy... what do I do?
VictorM's advice:
I can't say anything to give you the self-respect and self-esteem to make you see how dumb the "love him to bits" statement is. If after all he does you still can't get a clue, well, you're destined to be an unhappy woman. If not with this guy, the next one, or the next one, or the next one.
This has nothing to do with any one guy; it is all about you. You don't respect yourself so it's natural that you'll bond with those that don't respect you. They feed your lack of self-worth.
Why are you this way? I don't know. You'll need professional therapy to get to the bottom of it. There's probably deep family history involved. But unless you figure it out, you'll be "loving to bits" the losers who bring you unhappiness while pushing away those that would treat you nicely.
I hope you seek help. You're still very young. It would be a pity to waste your life away paying for the sins of others.
My boyfriend and I have been off n on for a year now and we always seem to break up over the same thing, however, we have overcome this problem but I think I have come to drive him away..... he always used to stand me up for his mates last minute.. (eg: we would have planned a night out and yet again I would get dropped when his mates asked him to do something instead) now all he seems to do is wanna be with his friends, and it is almost like he only wants to be with me when his mates aren't doing anything or he wants sex... I love him to bits but its getting stupid. I don't wanna end it but I am unhappy... what do I do?
VictorM's advice:
I can't say anything to give you the self-respect and self-esteem to make you see how dumb the "love him to bits" statement is. If after all he does you still can't get a clue, well, you're destined to be an unhappy woman. If not with this guy, the next one, or the next one, or the next one.
This has nothing to do with any one guy; it is all about you. You don't respect yourself so it's natural that you'll bond with those that don't respect you. They feed your lack of self-worth.
Why are you this way? I don't know. You'll need professional therapy to get to the bottom of it. There's probably deep family history involved. But unless you figure it out, you'll be "loving to bits" the losers who bring you unhappiness while pushing away those that would treat you nicely.
I hope you seek help. You're still very young. It would be a pity to waste your life away paying for the sins of others.
I've been celibate for over 18 months
Toni, 34, from Texas, asks:
My new love interest asks me questions about my ex-husband and then tells me I talk about him too much. I do think it's important to get to know about past relationships to a certain extent, but I divorced him because he was abusive to my kids, my pets and to me. I've been celibate for over 18 months. I met my new love interest last year during the spring.
VictorM's advice:
You asked no question so I'm going to assume you want to know why he does that.
The short answer: immaturity and/or insecurity.
What you have said in your short statement about your ex should be enough for this new guy. If it isn't, you really ought to evaluate this new relationship more carefully. A year later and you're still dealing with these questions and accusations? That's not a good sign.
My new love interest asks me questions about my ex-husband and then tells me I talk about him too much. I do think it's important to get to know about past relationships to a certain extent, but I divorced him because he was abusive to my kids, my pets and to me. I've been celibate for over 18 months. I met my new love interest last year during the spring.
VictorM's advice:
You asked no question so I'm going to assume you want to know why he does that.
The short answer: immaturity and/or insecurity.
What you have said in your short statement about your ex should be enough for this new guy. If it isn't, you really ought to evaluate this new relationship more carefully. A year later and you're still dealing with these questions and accusations? That's not a good sign.
Fooling around some could be fun
jen, 19, from NY, asks:
I have a guy friend whom I have grown to like. We flirt with each other, get along well, and I believe there is an attraction (I don't know if I am being wishful?) however he really likes my friend (he told me). She currently has a boyfriend, he still only wants her and I think she even knows he likes her. Should I never tell him how I feel? I am nothing like her, we don't look alike. I know I want more and I keep thinking “what if?” (even if its not as a boyfriend, fooling around some could be fun; he is currently single...) I just don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
Telling him how you feel would be a mistake, but that doesn't mean you can't show more interest and intensify the flirting. Just keep in mind that guys aren't very good at getting hints; you need to be direct with your flirting.
Never mind that you don't look like your friend. His mind can easily shift to you. But you need to be less of a buddy; he has to start thinking of you more as a woman. So, arrange for alone time with him, dress more provactively, wear more make-up and perfume (if that's your thing), stand closer to him, hold your eye contact a little longer.
Also, next time he starts talking about your friend cover his mouth and say: "Sshhhh, right now I don't want to talk about her." Don't dismiss that his talking about her has the dual role of possibly trying to see how you react. If you're too OK with him talking about her, maybe he feels you're not interested in him as anything more than just a flirty friend. You need to change that impression.
It's not at all uncommon for a guy (or girl) to like more than one person at the same time. So don't sell yourself short; he could like you too. Go for him!
I have a guy friend whom I have grown to like. We flirt with each other, get along well, and I believe there is an attraction (I don't know if I am being wishful?) however he really likes my friend (he told me). She currently has a boyfriend, he still only wants her and I think she even knows he likes her. Should I never tell him how I feel? I am nothing like her, we don't look alike. I know I want more and I keep thinking “what if?” (even if its not as a boyfriend, fooling around some could be fun; he is currently single...) I just don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
Telling him how you feel would be a mistake, but that doesn't mean you can't show more interest and intensify the flirting. Just keep in mind that guys aren't very good at getting hints; you need to be direct with your flirting.
Never mind that you don't look like your friend. His mind can easily shift to you. But you need to be less of a buddy; he has to start thinking of you more as a woman. So, arrange for alone time with him, dress more provactively, wear more make-up and perfume (if that's your thing), stand closer to him, hold your eye contact a little longer.
Also, next time he starts talking about your friend cover his mouth and say: "Sshhhh, right now I don't want to talk about her." Don't dismiss that his talking about her has the dual role of possibly trying to see how you react. If you're too OK with him talking about her, maybe he feels you're not interested in him as anything more than just a flirty friend. You need to change that impression.
It's not at all uncommon for a guy (or girl) to like more than one person at the same time. So don't sell yourself short; he could like you too. Go for him!
Monday, June 04, 2007
When a guy asks for time/space
Lisa, 24, from Bronx, asks:
What does it mean when a guy asks for time/space in a relationship because he is having family problems?
VictorM's advice:
It means he doesn't think enough of you to help him deal with that family problem. Or, he's too chicken to tell you he's not into you anymore. Either way, it's not a good sign. You want time/space away from someone that's complicating your life, not making it easier.
What does it mean when a guy asks for time/space in a relationship because he is having family problems?
VictorM's advice:
It means he doesn't think enough of you to help him deal with that family problem. Or, he's too chicken to tell you he's not into you anymore. Either way, it's not a good sign. You want time/space away from someone that's complicating your life, not making it easier.
It's bad to ask guys out
Sarah, 16, from PA, asks:
My mom tells me it's bad to ask guys out because they feel as though THEY should chase the girl. Does it really turn guys off? I really like this guy, but he hasn't made a move yet. Should I ask him to do something, or is my mom right?
VictorM's advice:
You have a wise mom. The reason for not asking a guy out is because it feeds their ego too much. They think if you're after them, maybe other girls are too. And since they know you already like them, they figure they can take their time trying other girls first because you're now a sure thing. You're sitting on the shelf ready for them anytime they want you. More often than not, giving a boy all that control allows them to abuse it.
That doesn't mean you can't entice a boy to chase you or to encourage him, but you should make him work for your attention. Guys prefer girls who are a challenge. They like the sense of conquest more than anything else. If you fall on their lap too easily, they don't feel the same satisfaction as if they were the ones that swept you off your feet.
PS. I don't say this because I think there's anything wrong with girls asking guys out in terms of social norms. At older ages this becomes less of an issue, but teen boys are too wired to chase many girls at once. Make it too easy for them and you're likely to be disappointed or hurt.
My mom tells me it's bad to ask guys out because they feel as though THEY should chase the girl. Does it really turn guys off? I really like this guy, but he hasn't made a move yet. Should I ask him to do something, or is my mom right?
VictorM's advice:
You have a wise mom. The reason for not asking a guy out is because it feeds their ego too much. They think if you're after them, maybe other girls are too. And since they know you already like them, they figure they can take their time trying other girls first because you're now a sure thing. You're sitting on the shelf ready for them anytime they want you. More often than not, giving a boy all that control allows them to abuse it.
That doesn't mean you can't entice a boy to chase you or to encourage him, but you should make him work for your attention. Guys prefer girls who are a challenge. They like the sense of conquest more than anything else. If you fall on their lap too easily, they don't feel the same satisfaction as if they were the ones that swept you off your feet.
PS. I don't say this because I think there's anything wrong with girls asking guys out in terms of social norms. At older ages this becomes less of an issue, but teen boys are too wired to chase many girls at once. Make it too easy for them and you're likely to be disappointed or hurt.
Rebecca called off the wedding
Rebecca, from USA, asks:
Hi Victor, I called off the wedding and I tried to move out from house just to make him feel better and not give him a lot of pressure but I don't think it works. I told him that I don't want to break up. I asked him to try preserve/save the relationship before we regret something later on. But he said that he's afraid he couldn't do that at this time. He said for now he felt this the right decision to stay away from each other. And he told me now that he's losing the spark between us. What should I do? Should I move to other city/state so I can forget him? My heart's telling me maybe I can get that spark back between us, maybe we can get back together? But he seems doesn't want to try at all. He told me he still cares about me but in different way. Can you tell me the reason a guy feel losing spark on his girlfriend? I keep thinking that this my fault. I asked him if he has another woman but he said no. Please tell me what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Why does the spark go out? I wish I knew. But I know it's a not fun to like a person, care for her, wish her the best, but you just don't get excited by her presence anymore. I give him credit for telling you and sticking to his decision. It sounds like this is not a rash decision on his part.
Can he get it back? It's possible, but the way you described his reaction, I think he's over you. No, it's not the color of your hair, it's not your weight, it's not your clothes, quite simple, it's not your fault. It's not his fault. It's just human nature.
Calling off the wedding was the right thing to do. It didn't produce the results you were hoping for, but at least you know for certain where he stands. Now you should do whatever it takes to get on with life without him. This reality is not pleasant, but it is a fact.
Hi Victor, I called off the wedding and I tried to move out from house just to make him feel better and not give him a lot of pressure but I don't think it works. I told him that I don't want to break up. I asked him to try preserve/save the relationship before we regret something later on. But he said that he's afraid he couldn't do that at this time. He said for now he felt this the right decision to stay away from each other. And he told me now that he's losing the spark between us. What should I do? Should I move to other city/state so I can forget him? My heart's telling me maybe I can get that spark back between us, maybe we can get back together? But he seems doesn't want to try at all. He told me he still cares about me but in different way. Can you tell me the reason a guy feel losing spark on his girlfriend? I keep thinking that this my fault. I asked him if he has another woman but he said no. Please tell me what should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Why does the spark go out? I wish I knew. But I know it's a not fun to like a person, care for her, wish her the best, but you just don't get excited by her presence anymore. I give him credit for telling you and sticking to his decision. It sounds like this is not a rash decision on his part.
Can he get it back? It's possible, but the way you described his reaction, I think he's over you. No, it's not the color of your hair, it's not your weight, it's not your clothes, quite simple, it's not your fault. It's not his fault. It's just human nature.
Calling off the wedding was the right thing to do. It didn't produce the results you were hoping for, but at least you know for certain where he stands. Now you should do whatever it takes to get on with life without him. This reality is not pleasant, but it is a fact.
We are very happy and have fun but...
anon, from anon, asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, I am 20, he is 22. I love him to bits and I feel part of his family (am very close to his mother and the rest of his family). We are very happy and have fun but suddenly out of the blue he said that he isn't sure if he wants a girlfriend anymore. He said it isn't me and that he loves me but he doesn't know if he wants it all now. I don't understand because I'm in university, I don't want marriage or babies for years, I just want to carry on being with him because we are happy together. I never worried about us finishing because we are amazing together. I don't know what to do, please help.
VictorM's advice:
Just listen to yourself: "We are very happy and have fun", "we are happy together", "we are amazing together" ... wake-up and smell reality -- NO YOU'RE NOT!
You may be happy but he's not. Why are you speaking for him? Maybe that's part of the problem. You're so into your own world -- you get along with his family, you have your plans -- but you seem to gloss over his needs, his feelings.
I don't know why he feels the way he does, but neither do you. And you're never going to find out if you keep fooling yourself that everything should be fine with you two just because it's fine with you.
He says it's not you. I think he's lying. If not to you, to himself.
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, I am 20, he is 22. I love him to bits and I feel part of his family (am very close to his mother and the rest of his family). We are very happy and have fun but suddenly out of the blue he said that he isn't sure if he wants a girlfriend anymore. He said it isn't me and that he loves me but he doesn't know if he wants it all now. I don't understand because I'm in university, I don't want marriage or babies for years, I just want to carry on being with him because we are happy together. I never worried about us finishing because we are amazing together. I don't know what to do, please help.
VictorM's advice:
Just listen to yourself: "We are very happy and have fun", "we are happy together", "we are amazing together" ... wake-up and smell reality -- NO YOU'RE NOT!
You may be happy but he's not. Why are you speaking for him? Maybe that's part of the problem. You're so into your own world -- you get along with his family, you have your plans -- but you seem to gloss over his needs, his feelings.
I don't know why he feels the way he does, but neither do you. And you're never going to find out if you keep fooling yourself that everything should be fine with you two just because it's fine with you.
He says it's not you. I think he's lying. If not to you, to himself.
Mariana, part 2
Mariana, 22, from Buenos Aires, Argentina, asks:
I don’t see where guys are simple creatures. I’m sticking to that. If you know how a girl can manage to do all the things I mentioned before, write a book. I'm sure it'll be a best seller! Or you could write a few articles and sell them to Cosmopolitan as well.
Now, there’s a well known song here that talks about a guy asking a girl to tell him Yes and No at the same time. I don’t think you’ve heard of it so I’ll try to translate a few lines.
If you say Yes, think twice - It might be more convenient for you to say no.
If you say No, you might be wrong - I’ll try to find the way for you say yes.
If you say yes I’ll stop dreaming and I’ll become stupid
It’s better if you say no and give me that yes drop by drop.
Say No thinking about a Yes - And leave the rest up to me
Cuz if it gets easy -Love becomes fragile and you just stop dreaming
Tell me No and leave the door open.
(…)
Always the easy lasted so little - And I won’t deny it, I had fun
But loneliness has driven me insane - Cuz love has never come this way.
I think this guy speaks for most of all men out there.
Now… you said that women are walking puzzles. 2 of your examples can be easily explained: Women need 300 pairs of shoes. So what? Same reason why you guys need to drive the fastest and more powerful car your wallet can afford.
“Women ask men who can't dress themselves if this dress goes with these shoes”. Simple: women want to look their best for the guy. And they want him to notice. I don’t see any complications here. I’m not saying women are totally simple. That'd be stupid.
I think there’s a mutual denial here. Both genders are trying to get the other to understand them but they don’t do much to understand the other. I do think women are more opened to understand men though. Men simply say “women! Who can understand them?” and leave it there. And I can comprehend that: the law of the minimal effort. It’s comfortable and it appears to have worked through the years. That doesn’t mean I accept it or that anyone should, for that matter.
As for the third example… That’s not a general rule. It’s true that sometimes women think men should know how they feel because we have our own subtle ways to show it. We fail at it when we forget men are not subtle creatures. That’s something we have to work on. But that doesn’t make us any more complicated that you!
Again: I’m sorry. I know you’ve got a lot of questions to answer. I just couldn’t make it a smaller text :S and I'm also sorry I can't express myself as I'd like because of my limitations with the language.
VictorM's comment:
1. I know the song you're referring to and I loved it. I always thought it's a great representation of how guys think. The Spanish version is very beautiful. (Who sings it and what's the name of it in Spanish?)
2. When it comes to to the other gender, women think too much, men don't think enough.
3. Women are more complicated than men. That's not a put-down, just a statement of fact. Forget our anniversary, I don't care. Don't buy me diamonds, flowers, chocolate, I'm still happy with you. Don't write me a love note, or buy me a gift for my birthday or a gift for no reason at all, I still want to have sex with you. You don't want to eat dinner by candlelight or sit in front of the fire place? Cool, I'll watch the ball game. Go to a party wearing the same thing as another woman and the party is ruined, if I go to a party with the same outfit as another guy, we become best friends for life. We're going to a fine restaurant and you're running too late to curl your hair, believe me honey, I'll still love you with straight hair. And if we have a fight, believe me, I don't gather around my friends all taking a shot at calling you a creep and a jerk; we have a few beers, shoot some pool, and I hope we've gotten over it so we can have the best of all sex: make-up sex. If we have a fight, 20 minutes later I'm over it and ready to make love to you, but you will still be angry about 20 years later. But... life without these differences would be boring.
4. "I do think women are more opened to understand men though." I agree.
I don’t see where guys are simple creatures. I’m sticking to that. If you know how a girl can manage to do all the things I mentioned before, write a book. I'm sure it'll be a best seller! Or you could write a few articles and sell them to Cosmopolitan as well.
Now, there’s a well known song here that talks about a guy asking a girl to tell him Yes and No at the same time. I don’t think you’ve heard of it so I’ll try to translate a few lines.
If you say Yes, think twice - It might be more convenient for you to say no.
If you say No, you might be wrong - I’ll try to find the way for you say yes.
If you say yes I’ll stop dreaming and I’ll become stupid
It’s better if you say no and give me that yes drop by drop.
Say No thinking about a Yes - And leave the rest up to me
Cuz if it gets easy -Love becomes fragile and you just stop dreaming
Tell me No and leave the door open.
(…)
Always the easy lasted so little - And I won’t deny it, I had fun
But loneliness has driven me insane - Cuz love has never come this way.
I think this guy speaks for most of all men out there.
Now… you said that women are walking puzzles. 2 of your examples can be easily explained: Women need 300 pairs of shoes. So what? Same reason why you guys need to drive the fastest and more powerful car your wallet can afford.
“Women ask men who can't dress themselves if this dress goes with these shoes”. Simple: women want to look their best for the guy. And they want him to notice. I don’t see any complications here. I’m not saying women are totally simple. That'd be stupid.
I think there’s a mutual denial here. Both genders are trying to get the other to understand them but they don’t do much to understand the other. I do think women are more opened to understand men though. Men simply say “women! Who can understand them?” and leave it there. And I can comprehend that: the law of the minimal effort. It’s comfortable and it appears to have worked through the years. That doesn’t mean I accept it or that anyone should, for that matter.
As for the third example… That’s not a general rule. It’s true that sometimes women think men should know how they feel because we have our own subtle ways to show it. We fail at it when we forget men are not subtle creatures. That’s something we have to work on. But that doesn’t make us any more complicated that you!
Again: I’m sorry. I know you’ve got a lot of questions to answer. I just couldn’t make it a smaller text :S and I'm also sorry I can't express myself as I'd like because of my limitations with the language.
VictorM's comment:
1. I know the song you're referring to and I loved it. I always thought it's a great representation of how guys think. The Spanish version is very beautiful. (Who sings it and what's the name of it in Spanish?)
2. When it comes to to the other gender, women think too much, men don't think enough.
3. Women are more complicated than men. That's not a put-down, just a statement of fact. Forget our anniversary, I don't care. Don't buy me diamonds, flowers, chocolate, I'm still happy with you. Don't write me a love note, or buy me a gift for my birthday or a gift for no reason at all, I still want to have sex with you. You don't want to eat dinner by candlelight or sit in front of the fire place? Cool, I'll watch the ball game. Go to a party wearing the same thing as another woman and the party is ruined, if I go to a party with the same outfit as another guy, we become best friends for life. We're going to a fine restaurant and you're running too late to curl your hair, believe me honey, I'll still love you with straight hair. And if we have a fight, believe me, I don't gather around my friends all taking a shot at calling you a creep and a jerk; we have a few beers, shoot some pool, and I hope we've gotten over it so we can have the best of all sex: make-up sex. If we have a fight, 20 minutes later I'm over it and ready to make love to you, but you will still be angry about 20 years later. But... life without these differences would be boring.
4. "I do think women are more opened to understand men though." I agree.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Men like porn
cassidy, 28, from michigan, asks:
My husband and I will celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary in about a week. We dated for about 5 years before marrying and lived together 2 out of those 5 years. The first time I realized my H looked at porn was while we were dating and I walked in on him once. It was early in the relationship, we were both embarrassed and really didn't discuss it. About a year later, I helped him move and noticed a couple of porn magazines as well as some photos. I threw them away. I caught him watching a video once with we lived together pre-marriage. I wasn't thrilled, but I an not anti masturbation, at all. I masturbate on occasion and have no problem with him doing so as well. I was just a bit concerned about the secrecy.
Shortly after we married I found some magazines. I was surprised at the hard core nature of the magazines. I threw them out and we talked about my feelings towards porn and the hiding of it. About a year later I found two more hard core magazines. Things then died down.
Until around before Christmas this year. At that time, I awoke at night and found him watching a DVD. He tried to deny it and cover it up, but it was pretty obvious and the truth came out.
His simple response was "men like porn."
In April, I had a feeling it was going on. I found numerous DVDs, then I found magazines (hidden in his car - under the spare tire compartment, hidden away in the basement, hidden in his closet). These are not playboy magazines. They are much more hard core material. I confronted him and we really had it out. He wrote me a letter of apology and stated he "was developing a dirty addiction to porn."
I became obsessed and completely overwhelmed with searching the house for the porn. I would search his car and tear through the house every second I had free.
Finally, I decided we needed counseling. We went to a place which basically just referred us elsewhere. Then we had an initial contact with a therapist who said we needed individual therapy. It took weeks to get together and then my H went (quite begrudgingly) and didn't really connect with the therapist. Therapy fell through and I don't see that changing for us in the near future. We are extremely busy and have little extra money. My husband has never been a therapy person and it really didn't seem to help him.
But then things died down. It seemed as if he was making a real effort and we were getting better. I searched numerous times and did not find anything. About 3 weeks to a month passed by well. H got a new job and was working long hours. I felt that he was busier and had less free time. And also that he felt better about himself.
But then, yesterday I looked in his car, and found a DVD hidden inside. It was really devastating. I confronted him and he barely spoke. He said "sorry" and once again he said "guys like porn." He gave me little explanation, said he felt bad that I was hurt.
I felt like this was his second chance. I've tried to be so open - I've asked all the questions about - is it me? is it our sex life? - do you want to try something different?
He always answers that he is happy with me and our sex life. He cannot give me a reason for the porn use. Other than that guys enjoy pornography and that he just does it. It had really gotten out of control and my fear is that it will escalate again. I am also really betrayed by the hiding and secrecy of his porn use. I don't think it's a sexual libido issue. I am usually up for sex and often initiate sex. In fact, I probably initiate it more often than he does. I've straight asked him if marriage may not be right for him or maybe he is not happy married to me. He denies this.
I am however, starting to wonder if I should go. I am 28 yrs old and we have no children yet. I've been wanting a baby, but lately am really considering leaving my marriage.
I don't know if I can live without being able to trust him. I can't take feeling like I have to search for things. And almost every time I feel like I have to search - I find something. Please help me anyone. I am so isolated right now and it's really hard to talk about this with anyone.
VictorM's advice:
In the movie Sleepless in Seattle there's a scene where a caller calls a radio counselor and said that every time in the middle of sex, her husband wants to stop to eat. The counselor responds by saying why don't you make him a sandwich before you have sex? Sometimes people confront a wall and try to knock it down by banging their head against it when going around the wall does the trick.
Why don't you stop searching for porn?
Strike a bargain with the man. Tell him he can have his porn with two conditions: one, he keeps it hidden in a locked place so that guests, family members, you, and your future kids won't stumble upon it; and two, he never watches it when you're around (assuming that's your wish -- some couples are happy sharing that experience together).
Now, after having said that, it's important I point out my reasons for saying it. I'll tackle as many points as I can.
You are not qualified to say if your husband has an addiction. That term requires someone with the appropriate training. You don't have it. Porn addiction is rare!
Your husband is acting like a teenager: irresponsible, lazy, and lying, but you're also setting him up to fail. Help him, don't trash him. Behave like his partner, not like his mother, if you want and equal response.
Your husband, whether you like it or not, is not abnormal. Consider this: In the USA, legalize porn is a bigger industry than football, baseball, basketball, and hockey COMBINED! Imagine what that means in terms of all the men (and many women) that watch it. And they do it for a variety of reasons, very few of them because they are sick. If you add all the illegal and Internet downloaded porn, my lord, the odds are that your brothers, father, and pastor view the darn thing as well. But society won't allows us to talk about it. It all stays hush-hush.
Men watching porn has nothing, nothing, NOTHING at all to do with their partner or their sex life. Please, do not make yourself a victim in this. In fact, you claim you have a very good sex life and maybe, just maybe the porn helps him. But even if that's not the case, for guys, having sex with their partner and watching porn are two totally different experiences, like night and day. It is not a reflection on you. Not at all.
Men can watch porn with zero emotional attachment to viewing it. The women I talk to, and even one I spoke with about this question, have a hard time really understanding how emotionally disconnect men really are when watching porn. It does not, in any way, compete with the feelings they have for their lovers.
I would not have answered this way if you had mentioned objections to porn for religious or purely family values reasons. But your question leads me to believe you tolerate it somewhat and it's mostly the lying and sneaking around you object to.
I also want to make it clear I'm not holding you responsible for his behavior -- he's acting like an immature twit, that's not your fault -- but I do believe you're making a mountain of a mole hill and if he's a good guy in other respects, you might want to try a different approach rather than to ditch the relationship. After all, the odds are that the next guy will like porn too. So try to work with him, and who knows, once he's no longer acting like a teenager watching something that he's not allowed, his interest in porn might lessen. Guys are like that.
Above all, do not take any of his behavior personally. It's not about you. It's not a reflection of his affections for you. It's not about you as a sex partner.
Tags: watching porn, husband watches porn, guy's thing, porn and guys,
My husband and I will celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary in about a week. We dated for about 5 years before marrying and lived together 2 out of those 5 years. The first time I realized my H looked at porn was while we were dating and I walked in on him once. It was early in the relationship, we were both embarrassed and really didn't discuss it. About a year later, I helped him move and noticed a couple of porn magazines as well as some photos. I threw them away. I caught him watching a video once with we lived together pre-marriage. I wasn't thrilled, but I an not anti masturbation, at all. I masturbate on occasion and have no problem with him doing so as well. I was just a bit concerned about the secrecy.
Shortly after we married I found some magazines. I was surprised at the hard core nature of the magazines. I threw them out and we talked about my feelings towards porn and the hiding of it. About a year later I found two more hard core magazines. Things then died down.
Until around before Christmas this year. At that time, I awoke at night and found him watching a DVD. He tried to deny it and cover it up, but it was pretty obvious and the truth came out.
His simple response was "men like porn."
In April, I had a feeling it was going on. I found numerous DVDs, then I found magazines (hidden in his car - under the spare tire compartment, hidden away in the basement, hidden in his closet). These are not playboy magazines. They are much more hard core material. I confronted him and we really had it out. He wrote me a letter of apology and stated he "was developing a dirty addiction to porn."
I became obsessed and completely overwhelmed with searching the house for the porn. I would search his car and tear through the house every second I had free.
Finally, I decided we needed counseling. We went to a place which basically just referred us elsewhere. Then we had an initial contact with a therapist who said we needed individual therapy. It took weeks to get together and then my H went (quite begrudgingly) and didn't really connect with the therapist. Therapy fell through and I don't see that changing for us in the near future. We are extremely busy and have little extra money. My husband has never been a therapy person and it really didn't seem to help him.
But then things died down. It seemed as if he was making a real effort and we were getting better. I searched numerous times and did not find anything. About 3 weeks to a month passed by well. H got a new job and was working long hours. I felt that he was busier and had less free time. And also that he felt better about himself.
But then, yesterday I looked in his car, and found a DVD hidden inside. It was really devastating. I confronted him and he barely spoke. He said "sorry" and once again he said "guys like porn." He gave me little explanation, said he felt bad that I was hurt.
I felt like this was his second chance. I've tried to be so open - I've asked all the questions about - is it me? is it our sex life? - do you want to try something different?
He always answers that he is happy with me and our sex life. He cannot give me a reason for the porn use. Other than that guys enjoy pornography and that he just does it. It had really gotten out of control and my fear is that it will escalate again. I am also really betrayed by the hiding and secrecy of his porn use. I don't think it's a sexual libido issue. I am usually up for sex and often initiate sex. In fact, I probably initiate it more often than he does. I've straight asked him if marriage may not be right for him or maybe he is not happy married to me. He denies this.
I am however, starting to wonder if I should go. I am 28 yrs old and we have no children yet. I've been wanting a baby, but lately am really considering leaving my marriage.
I don't know if I can live without being able to trust him. I can't take feeling like I have to search for things. And almost every time I feel like I have to search - I find something. Please help me anyone. I am so isolated right now and it's really hard to talk about this with anyone.
VictorM's advice:
In the movie Sleepless in Seattle there's a scene where a caller calls a radio counselor and said that every time in the middle of sex, her husband wants to stop to eat. The counselor responds by saying why don't you make him a sandwich before you have sex? Sometimes people confront a wall and try to knock it down by banging their head against it when going around the wall does the trick.
Why don't you stop searching for porn?
Strike a bargain with the man. Tell him he can have his porn with two conditions: one, he keeps it hidden in a locked place so that guests, family members, you, and your future kids won't stumble upon it; and two, he never watches it when you're around (assuming that's your wish -- some couples are happy sharing that experience together).
Now, after having said that, it's important I point out my reasons for saying it. I'll tackle as many points as I can.
You are not qualified to say if your husband has an addiction. That term requires someone with the appropriate training. You don't have it. Porn addiction is rare!
Your husband is acting like a teenager: irresponsible, lazy, and lying, but you're also setting him up to fail. Help him, don't trash him. Behave like his partner, not like his mother, if you want and equal response.
Your husband, whether you like it or not, is not abnormal. Consider this: In the USA, legalize porn is a bigger industry than football, baseball, basketball, and hockey COMBINED! Imagine what that means in terms of all the men (and many women) that watch it. And they do it for a variety of reasons, very few of them because they are sick. If you add all the illegal and Internet downloaded porn, my lord, the odds are that your brothers, father, and pastor view the darn thing as well. But society won't allows us to talk about it. It all stays hush-hush.
Men watching porn has nothing, nothing, NOTHING at all to do with their partner or their sex life. Please, do not make yourself a victim in this. In fact, you claim you have a very good sex life and maybe, just maybe the porn helps him. But even if that's not the case, for guys, having sex with their partner and watching porn are two totally different experiences, like night and day. It is not a reflection on you. Not at all.
Men can watch porn with zero emotional attachment to viewing it. The women I talk to, and even one I spoke with about this question, have a hard time really understanding how emotionally disconnect men really are when watching porn. It does not, in any way, compete with the feelings they have for their lovers.
I would not have answered this way if you had mentioned objections to porn for religious or purely family values reasons. But your question leads me to believe you tolerate it somewhat and it's mostly the lying and sneaking around you object to.
I also want to make it clear I'm not holding you responsible for his behavior -- he's acting like an immature twit, that's not your fault -- but I do believe you're making a mountain of a mole hill and if he's a good guy in other respects, you might want to try a different approach rather than to ditch the relationship. After all, the odds are that the next guy will like porn too. So try to work with him, and who knows, once he's no longer acting like a teenager watching something that he's not allowed, his interest in porn might lessen. Guys are like that.
Above all, do not take any of his behavior personally. It's not about you. It's not a reflection of his affections for you. It's not about you as a sex partner.
Tags: watching porn, husband watches porn, guy's thing, porn and guys,
Saturday, June 02, 2007
My ex-boyfriend and I still see each other for sex
Heather, 22, from United States, asks:
My ex-boyfriend and I still see each other for sex and I'm okay with that. I call him to get together, and I was just wondering how much time in between hook-ups I should wait to call? He's the type that needs his space and gets scared pretty easily and I just really enjoy the company and sex without the commitment but I'm very sexual and love having sex and I don't want to call too much for us to hook-up in fear that it will scare him.
VictorM's advice:
I suspect unless you bring up the dreaded "where do we stand" question there's a good chance he'll be fine seeing you often. But sex appetite varies greatly from guy to guy. Plus, is he getting sex from other girls? That could change the dynamics at any time.
Most likely he's fine with frequent visits unless he feels the slightest hint that you're trying to trap him into more than just sex.
Keep asking as you desire until he turns you down. Then you know to back off a little. But stay away from the clingy stuff.
My ex-boyfriend and I still see each other for sex and I'm okay with that. I call him to get together, and I was just wondering how much time in between hook-ups I should wait to call? He's the type that needs his space and gets scared pretty easily and I just really enjoy the company and sex without the commitment but I'm very sexual and love having sex and I don't want to call too much for us to hook-up in fear that it will scare him.
VictorM's advice:
I suspect unless you bring up the dreaded "where do we stand" question there's a good chance he'll be fine seeing you often. But sex appetite varies greatly from guy to guy. Plus, is he getting sex from other girls? That could change the dynamics at any time.
Most likely he's fine with frequent visits unless he feels the slightest hint that you're trying to trap him into more than just sex.
Keep asking as you desire until he turns you down. Then you know to back off a little. But stay away from the clingy stuff.
Friday, June 01, 2007
Busy today
I haven't had a chance to work on any of the questions today.
I have a good question about porn being a "guy's thing" -- I have lots to say about that one -- and also the very articulate Mariana, from Argentina, has some comments that I will be posting along with my two cents. I also have a few other questions.
Hopefully I can get to all of them by tomorrow.
I have a good question about porn being a "guy's thing" -- I have lots to say about that one -- and also the very articulate Mariana, from Argentina, has some comments that I will be posting along with my two cents. I also have a few other questions.
Hopefully I can get to all of them by tomorrow.
