Rebecca, 28, from USA, asks:

Hi, I've been living with this guy for 2 1/2 yrs. I moved down here just for him. We got engaged last Dec'06 and we were planning to have a wedding on Oct'07. But we postponed it because he said he doesn't know what he wants. He said that the way he's feeling for me is different, not like 2 years ago when we met for the first time. He told me he still cares about me and willing to help me out until I'm settle down. And now he wants a break. What should I do? I'm not ready to let him go and date another girl. He said at this time he does really want this break to find what's wrong with him. Is he lying to me?

VictorM's advice:

Maybe he's just getting cold feet. It's quite common. So I wouldn't say he's lying; just not sure he's ready for marriage. If this is the case, it has more to do with stress than with you.

He could be cooling off about you, but even he may not be in a position to know at this time. If this is the case, there isn't much you can do.

I suggest you do two things: one, call off the engagement, do not just postpone it. Maybe that will relieve the pressure he feels and allow you two to see each other in a more relaxed manner. Two, tell him you don't want to break up with him. If he wants to date other girls you can't stop him but he can't see you anymore. If he's determined to play the field you are not going to stop him anyway, so the best you can do is lay the rules loud and clear.

Sue, 19, from jhb, asks:

This guy is friends with this group I used to hang out with a lot. He has become religious and has stopped dating girls as he says he is confused and not ready at the moment. We speak a lot on MSN and have had a lot of arguments about our beliefs-he always says, MSN is a bad place to discuss these things (as opposed to real life) but when I suggest meeting, he says he can't because he only wants to date for marriage and none of us want marriage now. One time he said he would date me if he knew I was right and my expectations were too high too quickly. I am also the one to initiate our online conversations and am enjoying the friendship, although I would like it to progress to the next level and it isn't. I may be seeing him at some religious thing this weekend. Should I just not go and show him that I'm not desperate to see him and am fine on my own. It worries me that he has no plans to date me (he said he likes me but can't date right now) and that he's just enjoying my company and the ego-boost of knowing that I like him and is never planning on making any kind of commitment. On the other hand, I feel like I should just give it time, in spite of all the anxiety and feelings of self-doubt I am experiencing right now. Please help me!

He is a very good-looking boy who is confident in his ability to get girls and I wonder if he wants me because a lot of guys want to date me and it's an even bigger ego-boost that he won't date me but I still devote so much and energy to him.

Thanks

VictorM's advice:

I'm not questioning is commitment to not date until he's more serious, but you are making it too easy for him to not feel the need to get serious. Maybe he's avoiding you because of his convictions, but maybe he's just exercising control over you. And control over you he has! And even sincere religious folks can't help it sometimes being a little devilish.

Stop making such a big fuss over the guy. Doing it only reinforces his current stance.

Anonymous asks:

OK so I like this guy who is two years older than me. Really friendly and funny. When it's just him and me he REALLY talks to me. And he hugs me. And one time when his dad called me "huge" ( because I'm 6'1" ) he told me I'm not and that he has no idea what he's talking about, that he didn't mean it like that. He teases me that I have curves because I don't like to admit it. And he touches my arm or hand, or if I touch his arm he tenses up, then slowly relaxes but when we are around other people he doesn't talk to me so much and if he does it's always inside jokes. I caught him staring at me a few times and smiling when some people though I was his girlfriend... but he has a girlfriend, one he has had for 3 years who I'm friends with too. I think I'm in love with him. What do I do?

VictorM's advice:

You do nothing. He has a girlfriend so you should do nothing different than what you do now. Maybe you're misreading his reactions. Maybe he does like you but feels bad about breaking up with his girlfriend. Maybe he likes her as his girlfriend and you as his friend. But forget all the maybes -- unless and until he breaks-up with her, you're a friend. Behave just like one.

You don't like to admit you have curves? *shakes head* Curves = good. It sure is from a guy's point of view.

misha, 20, from nepal, asks:

In my first year of college I made friends with a really great guy. We hit it off (as friends) completely and soon became fast friends. I had never felt a greater level of bonding with anyone before. I had a crush on him and told him that but he was not interested and well.. just thanked me and said that he hoped it won't make things weired in the friendship. I made myself forget about it and we became even better friends after that. In the second year of college he had a crush on me and asked me out. I did not have the same feeling but said yes. I know it was a thoughtless thing to do but at that time I wanted to give it a try. We broke up in two months. It was good in the beginning but after that it did not seem true anymore. It was just two great friends trying very hard to make a relationship work. The problem was that at the time he broke up with me, I fell in love with him. We study in the same class and tried very hard to get back to the great friendship and comfort level we shared. We both feel sad about it but are not very open in communicating our feelings. It has been a year and I still feel miserable. It seems that time is only making it worse. There is another year of college left. I feel he has moved on. He is now close to another girl in our friends group. He hangs out with her most of the time. Maybe they even have a crush on each other and the only reason they are not a couple is me. I cannot see them together all the time. I feel that I have lost a very good friendship and it makes me very sad. Please help!

VictorM's advice:

Your situation is a good example of the expression "things will get worse before they get better". Things are getting worse, but that is part of the process. It will get better.

You can't make him have feelings that he doesn't have. So, given the circumstances, you hurt. Life is difficult and you're finding that out. There are no wonder pills, no magic wands, no quick fixes... you have to rely on willpower and determination to get past it.

rachel, 21, from wisconsin, asks:

I really like this guy and I think he is into me, but doesn't know it yet. We hang out a lot but I've asked him out and he said no. But he confides in me, and he tells me things that he won't tell others. How can I tell? He also had a bad relationship with someone he dated for five years, do you think this could be a problem too?

VictorM's advice:

I prior bad experience sure can make a guy get cautious, at least for a while, but don't confuse a guy thinking you're the kind he can confide in with one that he is into. I'm not saying he isn't, just cautioning you not to jump to that conclusion.

But what's the rush anyway? Enjoy his company, be a good friend, and eventually something will give. Guys generally move slower than girls into full fledged relationship.

kylie, from CA, asks:

Hey I'm 17 and I have a boyfriend that is really sweet, smart, good looking. I'm going to college next year but I don't want a boyfriend when I am in college just because I don't want to be so committed and obligated to one person just yet... He is more serious about our relationship than I am and it sometimes scares me. I don't want to sound mean but I don't think I want be in something soo serious right now. Every time I tell him that, he just becomes all sad. I like and care about him a lot, I just feel like I need some space and maybe date some other guys in college. Breaking up with him has come across my mind several times. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Sometimes sweet, smart, good looking just isn't what you need. You're looking for experiences that he can't provide through no fault of his. But that's life.

There's a song that goes "There's no easy way to break someone's heart". Just break-up with him. You'll feel bad, I'm sure, but the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll get over it and be ready for what's to come. Don't try to sugar coat it, don't make it weepy, don't give him the "you're a great guy" crap. A simple: "I'm not ready for a serious relationship and I want to feel free for new experiences in college" is all you need to say.

Even if things in college don't turn out as you hope, you will never regret breaking-up with him nearly as much as you would if you didn't open yourself up for new experiences. Break-up with him. Do it now!

Jennifer, 25, from Southern California, asks:

I met a guy through work and we really connected. We do live in different cities so our time together is minimal. But for the last 2 months we have talked constantly on the phone everyday, taken fun trips to meet up together, and been really involved with one another. Last week he cancelled plans for me to come visit this week, our 45 minute conversations daily have gone to 5 minute conversations twice a week. He was showering me with attention and affection, I'm trying to not get upset by his sudden behavior change, but what happened?

VictorM's advice:

What happened? He came down to the real world, that's what. Those 45 minute conversations daily were unsustainable by most guy standards. You both got off the gate at a pace that is too intense. He reached the point when it is time to shift from the high strung, love-drug induced behavior into one with more balance.

It's also possible, of course, that he's cooling off about you, and will fade out totally. But I would not jump to that conclusion just yet.

You'll do yourself and him a service if you encourage more spacing between calls. Don't be so eager or even so available to him. See if his interest remains the same as it is now. If it does, then I think you have found his happy medium (you have to decide on your own if that's enough for you or not); if he's happy he's talking less and less, then I think you can assume he's fading off and losing interest in you.

I know most girls have this super human endurance for phone calls and living in a text word, but guys are much more real-world based. After a while, all the talking just drives us crazy. We need to see you and touch you to fill-in the spaces between all the yapping.

catey, 21, from usa, asks:

I am really torn. I have strong feelings for someone I work with. He is older. We talk a lot and he has invited me out before. I flirt with him and he flirts back. He has let it be known that me and him have been together to other people before. He has complimented me and wants to know who I like. He teases me. Shows off around me. I decided to try and get over him with someone else and I do like this other person but I can't stop falling for him. What do I do? Do you think there's anything there?

VictorM's advice:

You don't say how old he is, but I assume that the difference is large enough that you have concerns. Your description also seems to indicate that the older guy likes you and likes showing off around you but he has no interest in pursuing anything further. I say that because of him questioning who you like. I'm assuming he doesn't see himself in the picture.

You don't give enough information to address your "anything there" question. I will say this: older man quite often enjoy the attention of younger women. It makes them feel good and it strokes their ego. Does it mean they're looking for a relationship with her? Most often they're not. It's a fantasy situation, pure and simple.

You decided to look elsewhere for a reason. Trust your instincts; they never fail you.

Laney, 25, from Nebraska, asks:

If every time you see your ex, he talks about things such as "why didn't you tell me you wanted to be with me", "why didn't you tell me you loved me", "why didn't you even give me clues that you may have wanted to be with me 10 years down the road", what does that mean? He even expressed this to my sister when he seen her, asking her the same questions about me. He has a baby due in the next few months and I feel as though he has doubts about his current relationship (he has said that he is going to do the "right thing" this time around and marry this woman). We don't talk too often because there's a lot of animosity that I have towards him because I feel as though he left me and my child to go and be with and eventually make another baby with another woman.

VictorM's advice:

Oh mister loser cheated on you and abandoned you, then gets a women that he's not really into pregnant and does he assume responsibility for his actions? No. He wants to place blame elsewhere, namely with you. That's what all that means -- he wants to blame you for his problems. This is all about him being an irresponsible child. Give him the finger and go on with your life.

OK, maybe I don't mean give him the finger figuratively. If I understand you correctly he is the father of your child. You should at least get child support and feel secure in your decision that over time your well justified animosity gives way to allowing him to get a second change at taking responsibility, this time with his child. Not for his sake, but for your child's.

Leigh, 28, from New Zealand, asks:

I was with a guy on and off for three years, it was always ending because he was very jealous and controlling and I could not handle this. It ended for good three months ago, partly because he was no longer interested in having a relationship with me because of our up and down history. During this time I got to know his friends and one of his friends has begun paying attention to me and asking me out over the last two months. We seem to click and I have even spent time with his family and friends. He said that he wants more than a fling. He has not however told my ex that we are seeing each other, as he knows that this will probably be the end of their friendship, and they have known each other for years. Although I think that we could have a good relationship together we are still in the stage of getting to know each other. I don't however want to stay in this situation forever and told him that he will eventually have to decide whether he wants to risk his friend getting mad if he wants to have something good with me. I want what's best for him, I don't want him to lose any of his friends over this, but at the same time I care for him and don't want to develop deeper feelings for him and then be hurt. Should I get out now, give him an ultimatum, or hang in there?

VictorM's advice:

Hang in there is a relative term. How long are you willing to wait? I would say not long. I tell you why. This guy is seeing you behind your ex's back. So in essence, he's already betrayed his friend's trust. Their friendship is not as important as he's making it sound to be. So any talk of what his friend means to him is pure hypocrisy.

You shouldn't wait till you're engaged for him to tell your ex; he should do it now and get it over with so the two of you give your relationship a change without this undue stress. Will your ex flip over this? Maybe, maybe not. But in any case, he's not part of your life anymore and he has no say on who you see.
Publish Post
He should tell his friend NOW. It is the decent and smart thing to do. Any more delay by this guy says he's either not into you or he's a big coward.

Next time you're thinking that all guys are losers, take a look at this site: www.TheGuy.net

It just started and some parts are still under construction, but it promises to be an interesting read.

Mariana, 22, from Buenos Aires, Argentina, asks:

There's this common belief that women are complicated and men are just the opposite. Well... my guess is that people that say this are men.

From my perspective, women are easier to read: show interest in me so I can feel important and pretend you're just one of the long list of men knocking at my door waiting for me to say yes (which is only intended to make YOU more interested in me) =P

On the other hand... if you're a woman you have to play with more subtle tools. You have to be somewhat mysterious (not too mysterious because then you have communication issues), show interest in the guy (but not that much because then he takes you for granted), tell him that you like him but at the same time you shouldn't tell him anything and let him wonder! That way he'll try harder to get you. And don't even get me started on the "should a girl ask a guy out?" because men tell you "YES!!" but then they can't feel the thrill of the chase they love and they don't appreciate what didn’t take much to get.

I know… you're waiting for the question. You're the guy... please tell me what is it that you expect from us when you first start dating us? And when is it that you decide to stick to that woman or keep looking? (I know, every guy is different but I'm looking for the general aspect).

PS. Sorry about the long text, I like writing. Oh and BTW, I like your style. You're straightforward, you have great sense of humor and you use a lot of sarcasm (which I love). Thanks for the time!

VictorM's advice:

Well Marianna, you are a very wise young woman. So wise in fact that you were able to debunk your own statement about guys. You were trying to say that guys are more complicated than women but then you proceed to write, in one clever paragraph, all that women should need to know to deal with guys. Bravo for being so articulate and for proving guys are simple creatures.

On the other hand, try to explain why women needs 300 pair of shoes, why they ask guys who can't dress themselves if this dress goes with these shoes, why women think that men can read their minds and give them the exact gift on the exact date for the exact reason that she so cleverly conceals from him. Women are walking puzzles.

What guys want from a woman on their first date is a reason to want a second date. It's up to you to find out what that is.

PS. Gracias. You are a wonderful writer.

Kell, 23, from UK, asks:

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 years. We get along great. When we first met we became close friends. We had much in common and things progressed. He asked me to marry him and I accepted. Our engagement is after 2 months the thing is sometimes I feel he loves me too much and it kinda scares me. He gets upset if he oversleeps or sometimes when I joke around and say are you bored of me and he says that somethings shouldn't be joked about, that I changed his life and that he will make sure that he never upsets me and if he upsets me he gets sad that he did and sometimes all of this scares me. It feels like it's just so not real. Is this how guys are when they are in love?

VictorM's advice:

No. Your fiance is just weird and you are even weirder for being with him.

OK... Yes, I'm kidding. How did you like the joke? Maybe some jokes just aren't funny to some people and we should learn to recognize this.

Your boyfriend seems overly eager to be the perfect mate. Is this how most guys behave when they're in love? No. But that's how your guy behaves. He does sound uptight. Too uptight? That's a matter of personal tolerance. Some women might find his behavior endearing, some would want to fry his nuts. But in this case, only your opinion matters.

You should be honest with yourself. Is his behavior scaring you or are your feelings about him scaring you? You know, there are many characteristics about people that can be a turn off. If someone this uptight is a turn off, it's not a crime. Don't continue in a relationship just because the guy loves you madly. It's most important that you love him too. Yeah, I know you said you get along great. But getting along great and being in love are not the same thing.

margaret, 39, from CT, asks:

I went out to meet a guy via (on-line). We hit it off on the phone. Anyway, I think I made a great first impression..but later...after 3 martinis...I was altered. I left the bar after getting huffy with him for saying I looked heavier than my pictures (he's right). Anyway, I spent the night in my car vomiting. The next day I saw he "closed" the connection. I called to apologize..left it on his voice mail. He called back, claiming he closed it because he thought I'd want nothing to do with him and he invited me to dinner at his house. We had a nice time. I left after some great kisses. I found him to be very sweet.. but now, I am thinking.. could he have been feeling guilty? He hasn't called and it's been 24 hours. We're past the "2 day rule" aren't we??

VictorM's answer:

Sounds to me like he felt guilty he said you were fatter than your picture (this guy needs an emergency remedial class on dealing with women, I tell you!) and he thought you'd never speak to him again. I think he was relieved and pleased you were OK with him.

I wish that women at birth were implanted with a chip that lets them know this important fact: Most guys hate calling on the phone. They hate it! So, make nothing of him not having called.

Oh, and forget about these little rules. That is so middle-school or idiotic self-help stuff.

Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:

Hi Victor,

I stayed in hostel these days. Something is really going on between my ex and my best friend in the house. My ex admitted that he really likes her and they share the same interests. I can't stay there. Financially I can't kick them both out and live in the house by myself. I don't want to have any hope on my relationship. I need to focus on a new life: baby and I. It's easy to say, but it's so hard. I miss him already. How can I move on to a new life and be happy again?!

VictorM's advice:

Walnut, you talk as if this man was the only source of your happiness; he is not. The only thing he is for sure is the source of your unhappiness.

Missing him is a process by which you remove him from your system. With him in the picture you'll have nothing but heartache. Every day you stay away from him your chances of finding happiness actually increase.

By the way, if you ever run into this ex-friend of your, kick her in the ass for me, will ya?

janee, 35, from vancouver, asks:

I have been seeing this guy that I work with on and off for about 10 months. We broke up twice. The second time was mutual. Both times we were together we were not committed but agreed to casual sex. I stupidly thought if I just sleep with him eventually he will want to commit!

The second time we broke up it was because he went to Asia for six weeks with his ex girlfriend. And he went to India the year before with her. I said to myself, since her father just died and his dog just died, (this was last Aug), maybe they just are friends like he said and he wants to support her.

Anyways when he came back I said I wanted a committed relationship if we were gonna be sexual especially since he wasn't even willing to accept monogamy.

He agreed. We then got back together recently, month and half. We are still not committed. Now it's casual afternoon sex after work and lets me see two dates on the weekend but never weekend nights and still no invite to his house in almost a year. He always comes to my place.

I asked him if he is still in love with his ex but he insists that they are not together. How much longer do I wait? The latest was, he said: "I am confused. I keep forgetting that we are not in a relationship and I get jealous when I think you might be dating." I said: "Well, this is the way you want it." Nothing. Now what?

VictorM's answer:

A few short observations: 1) You may be one of the most gullible people on the planet; 2) He is not confused, he knows exactly what he wants and he's getting it; 3) People, in general, lose respect for people who show no spine; 4) What are you waiting for to move on with your life without him?

OK, now that I got that out of my system, let's get to the specifics, step by step.

1) "I said to myself, since her father just died and his dog just died... maybe they just are friends." Are you freaking kidding him? Six weeks with his ex in Asia? Because his fucking dog died?! I'll say no more.

2) When a guy says he's confused, he means you don't yet measure up. What's there to be confused about if all he feels for his ex is friendship? What's there to be confused about if you wanted commitment but he's OK with you dating others? What's there to be confused about if he won't let you be part of his life? There's no confusion. You're a good afternoon fuck and that's all you are to him.

3) You said you wanted a commitment if you were going to have sex, but you are having sex without a commitment. No spine. He "lets me see two dates on the weekend"! Holy crap, what are you, a teenager getting permission from your parents? No spine. You asked him if he loved his ex and he didn't give you an answer. You let him slide. No spine.

4) He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you in his life. He's too attached to his ex. He dominates you. He's "confused" even after 10 months. "Now what?", you ask. You know what now what. You don't need to hear me say it. You just don't have the balls to do it. But don't blame him; he's getting exactly what he wants, why should he change? Unless, of course, he wants a woman who has a spine. Most guys do. He's not getting that. But he's getting sex in the afternoon. He'll take it... for now.

Janee... your fear of losing him is the reason you're never going to get him. If you are willing to denying him sex, and put your foot down on everything else (his ex, his house, no dating others) you'd stand a better chance. Maybe not a good chance, but a better one than now. If not with this guy, with the next one.

maxi, 20, from ct, asks:

Hi victorM, you don't have to hide under the desk-it's fixed all thanx to you.

We spoke face to face and we are doing great!!!!!! Now we both know what it is that we want with each other and yes my expectations were warped!!! But I guess that happenes when you leave a long term relationship... Anyway so thanx again for all the advice and I'm sure I'll be back-so don't miss me too much!!!

VictorM's comment:

That's good to hear Maxi. And thanks for taking the time to let us know.

anella, 17, from california, asks:

So there's a guy at school who I've known for a few years now, we've always been friendly but never great friends. I never had any interest in him until earlier this year. Honestly I don't even know what it is about him that I like so much.. he's not bad looking, but definitely not gorgeous, and he's shy and a little bit socially awkward. Our junior prom was a few weeks ago, and neither of us had a date, so I decided to casually ask him if he would like to go with me. He said yes, seemed happy about it, and we had a good time, despite how nervous he was. For a few days after we talked a lot, but then he started backing off, and the past week or so we have barely talked at all. Mutual friends say that he likes me, and I really wish we could hang out outside of school more, but I don't know if I should make a move. I know he's shy, but I already asked him to prom, shouldn't that give him enough confidence to be friendlier with me?

VictorM's advice:

No. Shyness is not about confidence; it's about trust. He doesn't trust you enough yet to not say "no" to him, so he doesn't ask. Not going out with you is better than you saying "no" to him. That's what he thinks (subconsciously anyway).

You may have to take the initiative a few more times, and be a little patience until he breaks through the trust issue. With some shy people it takes longer than others, but once the barrier comes down, he'll be fine. Most shy people drastically change their behavior once they trust a person.

You can make it easier for him to ask you out. For example, if he talks about wanting to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, say to him that you too would love to see it so when he goes to ask you to go with him. You need to be this direct; hints don't work too well.

sandy, 44, from michigan, asks:

I have had relations with this man of some sort another for 2 years. We are trying to have a committed relationship, but I'm not sure if he ready or just not capable. How do I go about finding out? I wasted 25 years with another man and 2 years should be long enough for him to know if it's me he wants. How do I find this out?

VictorM's advice:

Two years is more than enough time. If a guy can't commit after that, no matter how anyone spins it, he's not into you. He may be getting all he wants from you (sex, company, etc.) and he's happy with this arrangement or he's just not into you enough but he'll stick around until he finds someone better. Either way, he's settling for less than ideal.

You ask how you find out what he wants but whether you admit it or not, you already know the answers to your question. This isn't about him anymore; it's about you. Do you have the courage to be alone while searching for a man who is into you or are you willing to settle for what you've got?

Currently, you're no different than him -- you're just settling too.

Kate, 20, from USA, asks:

What does it mean when a guy talks to you about his crazy ex?? I'm flattered that he trusts me enough to open up about her and about how he hates that she's always hanging all over him... but it's all we ever talk about! Sometimes I feel like he complains about her clingyness because he still has feelings for her... but then in the next sentence he'll tell me I'm pretty or something flirty. Is he really over her and ready to move on with me? Is he just a nice guy who doesn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her off? Or am I just a friend to turn to for relationship advice?? So confused!!

VictorM's advice:

It's normal that he needs someone to vent with. I don't know how recent the break-up is, but a period of confusion and a need to talk about it is normal. So he talks about her and he flirts with you... basically, he doesn't know what he wants yet. But he knows he likes talking to you.

Most guys hate to make a girl cry or hurt her feelings. He probably feels some guilt, even if she's crazy and even if he's done with her. He's probably just trying to be a nice guy with her.

Listen to him as a friend but don't get too close. Not yet anyway. He needs time to get over the whole relatioship/break-up/guilt thing.

Tracy, 34, from Tennessee, asks:

This might be too inappropriate for this column but not sure where to seek advice on this. I have started seeing someone and we have sent the night together a couple of times. He seems to have trouble getting rid of his erection. This is definitely a new problem for me. Sometimes he just doesn't finish and I feel confused and another time he finished himself off. Also he told me that he masturbates 3, 4 times a day. I couldn't help but feel like I had done something wrong when he finished himself, but also I just don't understand and do you think it's something I should worry about? Like it signifies deeper problems that could later affect me and I should get out now? And I'd like to have a normal sex life...

VictorM's advice:

Nothing you say seems to me to indicate a serious problem. And there's nothing you're doing that's wrong. I see nothing that some adjustments can't fix. I hope you talk to him about this.

For some guys, having sex with someone new causes some stress that affects their sexual behavior. Some have a problem sustaining an erection, some ejaculate too soon, some take too long. In most cases, these situations fix themselves once the familiarity and trust between the couple increases. Some of this could be at play here, but in your case, I think there's something else going on. It has to do with how often he masturbates.

Our bodies are highly adaptable. Because of it, I think his frequent masturbation is causing the situaton you described. No, I don't think masturbation makes you go blind or grow hair on your hands, but excessive masturbation over a long period of time can affect sexual behavior in the way you described, that is, taking extra long to ejaculate and requiring him doing it himself. I'll explain why that is.

Masturbation usually provides the best orgasm. The reason is simple: the mind and the hand are connected and so the guy can speed up, slow down, apply more pressure, etc. exactly as his mind demands. Because of this, he orgasms precisely as he wants to. The downside is that he gets used to a certain pace, grip, feel, and dryness that can't quite be matched by any woman. Chances are that your vagina, short of having a wrestler's hand inside it, can't provide the grip and feel that he's used to. That is why at the end, he needs to do it himself. Only he can provide the grip and pace he's been used to.

So, what to do? Well, 90% of what needs to be done he needs to do it himself. You can help with the other 10%.

He needs to drastically reduce the times he masturbates and when he does he should try to lubricate his hand and penis and lighten his grip so that it more closely resembles a woman vagina's grip and slippery moisture. It's not going to happen overnight so don't expect instant change, but he can and should start doing this now. In the long run, it will be better for him because once he decreases his masturbation and increases sexual activity with you, his orgasms will become even more pleasurable because having a partner with whom he's in sync is much more fun than doing it alone.

You can help by accepting that there's nothing wrong and that his behavior is not a reflection of your sexual performance. You could also turn this into a positive. Many women find the sight of a man masturbating very erotic. If you free yourself from any sense of guilt or blame, maybe you can see it that way too. When he does take matters into his own hands, enjoy it. Don't be a spectator; help him: kiss him, touch him, rub him, maybe even place your hand over his or vice-versa. Don't be afraid to participate, to ask what you can do to help. It can be very enjoyable for both of you.

If he's responsive to this advice and is willing to work with you, I really see no reason to worry about any deeper problems -- I believe there are none. If, however, he's close-minded or stubborn about it, you have problems that go beyond sex.

maxi, 20, from ct, asks:

Here I go again... (this is before i read the advice) Sunday I asked him what he'd be doing after work and he said he wasn't going to do much maybe he'll go watch a movie, so he asked me what I was going to do and I said nothing as well... then he said, if I didn't want to do anything then that's fine with him! I then replied by saying if that was his way of asking me out on a date he would have to come up with a different way. He did!!! He smsed me later that night and asked but then I told him I was busy but that we could do something on Monday after class. He never replied and I didn't call or sms-nothing, then on Wednesday at work again he greeted me with a kiss and after work he kissed me goodnight and that was it. Why can't he call me first or sms? I always have to initialize communication. What's up with that? He shows interest but doesn't-if that makes any sense!!! What do suppose I do? I'm out of ideas! And getting real tired of this. I'm sure you are too! Do you think his playing hard to get or just being as you said a jerk????

VictorM's advice:

It's starting to sound to me like you're a little too rigid with your expectations of him. You are not a couple! You are not boyfriend/girlfriend. You are two people somewhat interested in the other. You are expecting him to behave as a committed boyfriend and he's avoiding that label, hence the reluctance to call you first. He KNOWS you're itching to get hitched. He's not. He just wants to know you a little better before getting serious but you'll push him away with your expectations and inflexibility.

I mean, look at your expectations for how he should ask you on a date. He didn't do it as you wanted and you jumped on the guy. You seem so eager to pounce on him when your expectations aren't met. He's not a mind reader. People are different. You need to relax.

Maxi, don't hate me, but maybe he's not the one who is being a jerk.

*hides under the desk!*

Marianne, 22, from Boston, asks:

I've been dating this guy for 3 weeks now and we're slowly getting intimate. Truth is: I really like him but I don't want to have sex until we become boyfriend and girlfriend (if we ever do). How can I tell him that without scaring him away?

VictorM's answer:

Why would you be worried about scaring him away? If all he wants his sex, be thankful you scared him away. If he wants more than just sex, he'll be pleased you feel as you do. You should, after all, be interested in a guy who shares your values. The sooner you find out what he thinks, the better.

I just wouldn't phrase it as "until we become boyfriend and girlfriend" because a simple, "hey, wanna be my girlfriend?" calls your bluff and then you're screwed. Make it something more on your own terms, like "no sex until you buy me a pair of Prada shoes I'm ready." This gives you more control over the situation.

wondering25, 25, from brooklyn, ny, asks:

Recently I caught up with one of my guy friends from high school. We went to the prom together, but we weren't really attracted to each other then. We still kept in touch throughout college, but it was on a minimal basis. Recently we caught up again, and it wasn't intended to be dates, but it seemed like it was after we saw each other for 3 consecutive days. We went to movies, dinner, and I spent time over his house watching movies. Ever since those few dates, we have been in frequent contact with each other. I realize now that I do like him and I am attracted to him, but I'm uncertain if he feels the same. We have never kissed or been intimate. So I don't want to send mixed signals, however I really want to know if he feels anything for me, but I'm afraid to mess up our current friendship....Any advice????

VictorM's advice:

He's in his mid 20's, spends three days in a row seeing you, stays in frequent contact with you... umm... this is no brainer -- he likes you.

Simmer down your baby-making mechanism and enjoy a good friendship slowly evolve into a great relationship. Enjoy each other's company without the pressure of "commitment". On the path to a relationship you should travel at the speed of the slowest one. I don't say this because of any worries of messing up the friendship, but because you should give yourselves the time for courtship. Let him woo you and seduce you. That's what he wants, that's what he's doing.

Lilly, 28, from New Zealand, asks:

I have had a best guy friend for ten years. When I first met him at the age of 19 I wanted to be with him, I fell in love with him at first sight and heard through a friend that he liked me. Then suddenly he changed his mind. We have been friends since then and there has always been chemistry. We considered being a couple again after he broke up with his long time girlfriend two years ago but the timing was wrong. Recently he came into my life again and I asked him why we had never gotten together. He said that when he was younger he wanted to play the field and knew that if he was with me it would be for keeps. Our friendship is close and caring and we have fun together. We have both admitted that we are attracted to each other. But he said that he is scared of being with me in case it turns bad and we don't work as a couple and our friendship is lost. I feel confused and a bit rejected. Why won't he take the risk? My feelings for him are getting stronger. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

He won't take a risk most likely because he doesn't feel for you the same way you feel for him. Would he tell you that? Not likely. That's just the way guys are. He's happy with the current arrangement: he gets your company, maybe sex (you don't say, but I'm assuming), and doesn't have to make a commitment. Wonderful. And he'll stay in this mode unless and until you make him shit or get off the potty, or he finds someone else that offers more.

What you should do is be prepared to lose his friendship to gain his love. Don't give him an ultimatum, but do tell him that given your feelings, you can't keep spending time with him. Break off the close friendship. I'm not saying be his enemy, but stop spending time with him, and if you are being intimate, stop that. Then see his reaction. If he's in love with you, he will chose to commit not to lose you, otherwise, he'll accept your decision.

My guess, sad to say, is that you're going to lose a friend instead of gaining a lover. His behavior and words are that of a man who finds comfort in your company but not passion. But there's only one way to find out.

For your sake I really hope I'm wrong.

Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:

There’s this guy I really liked, and who I thought liked me back. I finally got up the courage to tell him how I felt about him. Last week, he told me friend that he liked me back. Then, he told her that he didn’t like me. Finally, he gave me a note that said “I don’t like you” last Friday. At lunch when I was in the bathroom, he apparently came over, insulted me and gave me the middle finger, and later in the day he totally trashed me in front of all of my friends and the rest of the school. NOW he’s telling everyone we’re going out and I haven’t even spoken to him for a week! I’m so confused! We were good friends for a very long time and I was comfortable with just being myself around him, and his behavior really hurt me. What does he really want and how should I confront him the next time I see him? And WHAT was up with his weird behavior? He really hurt me.

VictorM's answer:

Boys mature at a slower age than girls, specially around your age group. Many early teen boys just can't handle the thought of liking girls yet. Some are afraid of it because liking a girl means possibly having to do things (kissing, making out, etc.) that they are not ready for yet. The other important thing to keep in mind is that boys get mercilessly made fun of by their male friends if they appear to like a girl, or if she likes him. My guess is your friend went overboard with things that hurt your feelings just to get his friends off his back.

He's simply not ready for the boy-girl thing yet. Try again in a couple of years and the story will be totally different.

Madi, 28, from Louisiana, asks:

I am a single mom who was dating this guy for 3 months and when we first started dating he understood that it would be part time until we get to know each other better because I didn't want to introduce anyone to my son so soon. Well I have every other weekend, every Thursday and every other Sunday off . My son's at his fathers. I thought that he should want to spend time with me on my off days but he didn't one day and I got mad. And we haven't spoke since. Should I call him and try to fix it? He said that the whole set days thing and always being on my terms wasn't fair. Please advise. I miss him.

VictorM's advice:

If you miss him, yeah, call him.

I can understand you wanting to protect your son, but I can also understand him getting frustrated by the set schedule and limited time with you. Really, how can you get to know each other better if you don't see each other enough?

You may want to reach some compromise where he visits you more often but you agree to keep your hands off each other in the presence of your son. Or he comes a little later at night after your son is asleep. I can understand you wanting to limit contact between them for now, but you're not just a mom; you're a single woman too. Dating is also a part of your life. The sooner your son, your ex-husband, and yourself realize that, the better. Don't look to exclude, look to balance.

Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:

I can't sleep tonight. (ex)boyfriend went out with my best friend tonight. They didn't explain anything to me before they went out. I rang up him a couple of times 30minutes and 45minutes later. He didn't pick up the phone. It's near 11pm, no one came back and he didn't ring me back. Imagine, if I do need help, this will be what happen to baby and me. I am really upset and can't stop my tears. I try to convince myself that we broke up. I need to accept the fact that he move on. It's so hard that this just happened in my own home, a broken home. I didn't explain much about this female friend last time. She told me in the weekend that my problem relationship affected her living in the house and she pissed me. Since that, we didn't really stay comfortable with each other. I did try to make the situation better for the past few days. But tonight... Staying in the house and seeing them talking, laughing and going out together is very hard for me. Perhaps I move out would make things better for three of us. I move to new place and meet new flatmates maybe better for me. If I ever have a friend in this country that I can stay with tonight, I had already run to there! Victor, thank you for your previous advice on staying. But I don't know how to work on my happiness when seeing this happen and the future... who know how far/fast they will go...

VictorM's advice:

I still think that the birth of the child may change his mind, but who knows, maybe it's more wishful thinking than a real possibility. Given the conditions you describe, and if you can find a safe place to stay, you should move out. If staying is making you that unhappy, a change may be in order.

Oh, and that friend of yours is a jerk.

Anne, 20, from Boston, asks:

I randomly called an old friend from high school when I realized I was transferring to the college he attends, and he invited me to come and hang out one weekend night. Needless to say we ended up having a few too many drinks and had sex. We saw each two other times, one of which resulted in another hookup. It has been about a month since we have seen each other, yet he still IM's, and texts all the time and gives me the occasional call, but no invite to hang out. Why is he talking to me all the time if he doesn't want to see me? I have put forth obvious hints that I want to hang out, yet he doesn't seem to pick up on them. I know he is shy when it comes to social situations, I am interested but I don't know what to do now.

VictorM's advice:

I can see him not asking you to hang out fearing coming across as only wanting you for sex. But it seems that he likes you for more than just that.

I say stop with the hints (guys can be very dense about hints anyway) and invite him yourself.

I don't know if someone somewhere is giving away free doughnuts for submitting a question to this site, but I've gotten flooded with questions in the last few days. I have quite a few questions on file and will get to them all but it may take 2 or 3 days for you to see an answer to your question.

To Tracy from Tennessee: I have your question and will address it shortly. I have lots to say about that topic, so it may take me a day or two to reply, but please do check back. You really have nothing to worry about, but I will explain in detail why I say this.

Anonymous from Brooklyn Sims, asks:

There's this one guy at my school. I had a crush on him three times. And I now I'm crushing on him again. His name is Zachary. We're kind of good friends but I don't know him that well. I don't know how to tell him I like him face to face, ask him out to the movies, or ask if he wants to date and be together ( boyfriend and girlfriend ). I'm also scared of rejection. There's been so many guys that have said no or just didn't want to date me because I'm either too UGLY or I'm just A STUPID BLONDE. AND I REALLY....REALLY....REALLY.... like him a-lot. So PLEASE help me!

VictorM's advice:

Do not tell him you like him. Do not asking him about being boyfriend/girlfriend. Do not ask him on a date. What I suggest you do is mention things that will lead him to ask you out as friends at first, but you can go from there. For example, instead of inviting him to go see the movie Pirates of the Caribbean (because if you do and he says no you'll feel rejection) what you do is say: "I really want to see Pirates of the Caribbean but I really don't want to go alone." Now, if he says, "I'll go with you", great, you got yourself his company! If he doesn't say anything, there's no rejection because you never asked.

Alia, 21, from Washingtondc, asks:

How do I talk to a guy without feeling so nervous? It's like if a cute guy approaches me I kinda lose breath, and this can't be attractive. What is the best way to come off as cool and confident in any situation (on a date, etc). Should I say as few words as possible? I wanna be able to socialize with any guy.

VictorM's advice:

Being shy as you describe can be very debilitating. But you can slowly work on it to change your behavior. The most important thing is to accept that you're not going to change overnight. So you should be looking for small little victories. Little acts of courage that slowly but surely builds up your level of trust.

First try small things that don't require words. If you see a cute guy, or if one approaches, train yourself to smile. Just a smile. Then, work on holding a stare a couple seconds longer than you normaly would. Then learn to use simple things that makes a guy do most of the talking. Things like "tell me more about it". For example, if a guy mentions some movie he saw, say "tell me more about it"... this will get him to talk. While he's talking what do you do? You smile, you gaze at him (because you've practiced doing it) but he's carrying most of the weight. Other such expressions that lead the guy to talk are things like... what makes you say that? Why do you think so? Explain that to me. Etc.

You need to realize that the guy is most likely as nervous and as shy as you. He's probably hoping that you carry on the conversation. So don't be afraid to talk about things you are comfortable talking about. If you're not sure if he's interested, learn to do use self-deprecating humor, like... "is this boring you?" "Don't get me started on [topic] or I'll never stop." "I'm warning you, I can talk non-stop about [topic]" "Am I dazzling you with the nutty stuff I know?". If you can laugh at yourself, you'll see how much easier it all becomes.

Don't expect to become the life of the party overnight. Take small steps. With each step forward, the next one becomes easier.

Tags: shyness, shy around guys, nervous around guys

marie, 24, from georgia, asks:

Last week I went out with a guy I had met in college. We tried dating then, didn't work. A couple years later we ran into each other and went out a few times, he quit calling. Two weeks ago I sent him an email (a year after the last time we had seen each other), he apologized for the immature way he acted last summer and asked to take me out. We went to dinner, a lounge after and hungout all night talking. Easily one of the best nights I've had in a long time. He told me that a few times too. The next morning he said, "I can't tell you the last time I was actually able to go to sleep holding someone, why couldn't we have done this sooner"... and so on. I do believe there is something there, we both always have. Here is the kicker.. he leaves Friday for a job in Arizona... What do you think? You're a guy, haha.

VictorM's answer:

It's not often you see these two sentences together: "What do you think? You're a guy." :)

Besides thinking that the timing sucks, I'm not sure what you're asking me. So I'll offer some random thoughts and if they don't answer what you have in mind, write back.

Did him knowing that he was going away make it easier to enjoy your intimate company? It's possible. But I'm not much of a cynic and I don't think guys generally are the evil planners girls think. Guys generally live in the now. So basically, he enjoyed your company, you enjoyed his, and the night turned out wonderful. He probably had no thoughts other than living in the moment.

These days, with the internet, phones, and relatively affordable travel (depending on your incomes), staying in touch and visiting each other is not a major effort, but it can be a drag. Long distance relationships can work, but most often, they do not.

Maybe all you'll have for a while is a nice memory. But ours is an ever shrinking world. Serendipity lurks at every corner. You have bumped into each other over time. Who knows... maybe you'll find a great job in Arizona too (if you do, buy lots and lots of sunblock!) Oh, and look him up.

Tanna, 28, from Canada, asks:

This guy that I started talking to and that I know we are both interested in each other because we have had talks, is 27. We are both not into the whole bar thing, we pretty much watch movies, do the whole bonfire thing with friends, he always stares at me and when I ask him about it he tells me that he was looking at something else. I went over to his house one night and I was the only female there. We all played pool and sat around and drank. He was teasing me the whole night like not moving when I need to take a shot and doing the whole pillow throw at me, and just staring and I have caught him doing that. His cousin was like "you two going out?" and I said no. Then his friend Jeff said to me: "are you and Joe going out?" and I said no. Then Jeff said to Joe: "why are you not going out with her? She is cute." Then today Joe was asking me what Jeff was talking to me about. It's kinda a weird thing, I know, but I need to know if he really likes me or if he just wants to be good friends.

VictorM's advice:

He likes you but he's not ready to ask you out. Not yet anyway. It's not unusual. Guys tend to prefer to stay informal longer than girls do. A friendship that slowly evolves into a relationship has a better chance of survival than one built on the high energy of initial lust.

PS. I'm stunned... two Canadians not into the bar thing. What is this world coming to? :)

dawn, 34, from lancaster, asks:

I started dating this guy who is getting divorced, and everything was going great, until she started calling him and texting him. Now he's confused about who to be with. Because he tells me he's still in love with his soon to be ex-wife. I don't know what to do. We still talk but I want to be with him, and I was wondering how to win him back or win his heart over. Please help me.

VictorM's advice:

These periods of confusion soon after a break-up are normal. You're lucky he's being honest with you about his feelings for her. It's very hard for you to compete if he has feelings for her. Chances are he really wants to give it another try and unless he does, she'll always dominate his mind.

The best you can do is say that you want to be with him. Reinforce your commitment to the relationship. Give him some time to mull the whole thing over. During that time, continue to be as good to him as you have always been. It may not be enough to change his mind, but if he's bent on giving her another try, there's not much you can do. He may need to get that out of his system if you and him are going to have a chance down the road.

I'm not suggesting you roll-over and play dead, but you should be aware of the probabilities. And they aren't in your favor. But they also aren't in his favor; more likely than not, his relationship with her is doomed anyway, he just doesn't know it yet.

Daisy, 16, from Kentucky, asks:

Hey. Ok so I met this guy awhile ago. We use to be in some of the same classes together, but then he moved. One day I was out with my friend and he came up to me and asked if I remembered him, and we would talk EVERY day (even thought he had a girlfriend). I finally told him that I didn't want to be the reason they would break up so we just started acting like friends. And any time we would talk about anything sexual, he would hint at me that he wanted some but then he'd be like... I'm glad we're FRIENDS. Now him and his girl have broken up. So I told him how I felt, and he said "I really only like you as a friend right now. I don't know that I want to get into another relationship right now." When I asked if we might down the road go out... ever... he said "I dunno that's the future." I'm confused. Does he still like me?? I don't want to just be friends.

VictorM's answer:

Daisy, I think the boy has been rather clear all along: he just wants to be friends.

Telling him you didn't want to be the cause of a break-up was good; telling him how you felt about him wasn't so smart. Why? Because now he knows he can have you at anytime, so the mystery is gone. He's now looking to see what other fish are out in the ocean. That's just the way most boys are. He probably still likes you but why should he rush?

If you want to be more than just friends, start being a little less of a friend. Make yourself scarce and show less interest in him. That's your best chance to get him interested in you.

Tags: dating advice, just friends

kelby, 13, from galax, asks:

Me and my boyfriend are perfect most of the time but sometimes he treats me like crap and is a real jerk. What do I do?

VictorM's advice: