Thursday, May 31, 2007
Now he wants a break
Rebecca, 28, from USA, asks:
Hi, I've been living with this guy for 2 1/2 yrs. I moved down here just for him. We got engaged last Dec'06 and we were planning to have a wedding on Oct'07. But we postponed it because he said he doesn't know what he wants. He said that the way he's feeling for me is different, not like 2 years ago when we met for the first time. He told me he still cares about me and willing to help me out until I'm settle down. And now he wants a break. What should I do? I'm not ready to let him go and date another girl. He said at this time he does really want this break to find what's wrong with him. Is he lying to me?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he's just getting cold feet. It's quite common. So I wouldn't say he's lying; just not sure he's ready for marriage. If this is the case, it has more to do with stress than with you.
He could be cooling off about you, but even he may not be in a position to know at this time. If this is the case, there isn't much you can do.
I suggest you do two things: one, call off the engagement, do not just postpone it. Maybe that will relieve the pressure he feels and allow you two to see each other in a more relaxed manner. Two, tell him you don't want to break up with him. If he wants to date other girls you can't stop him but he can't see you anymore. If he's determined to play the field you are not going to stop him anyway, so the best you can do is lay the rules loud and clear.
Hi, I've been living with this guy for 2 1/2 yrs. I moved down here just for him. We got engaged last Dec'06 and we were planning to have a wedding on Oct'07. But we postponed it because he said he doesn't know what he wants. He said that the way he's feeling for me is different, not like 2 years ago when we met for the first time. He told me he still cares about me and willing to help me out until I'm settle down. And now he wants a break. What should I do? I'm not ready to let him go and date another girl. He said at this time he does really want this break to find what's wrong with him. Is he lying to me?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he's just getting cold feet. It's quite common. So I wouldn't say he's lying; just not sure he's ready for marriage. If this is the case, it has more to do with stress than with you.
He could be cooling off about you, but even he may not be in a position to know at this time. If this is the case, there isn't much you can do.
I suggest you do two things: one, call off the engagement, do not just postpone it. Maybe that will relieve the pressure he feels and allow you two to see each other in a more relaxed manner. Two, tell him you don't want to break up with him. If he wants to date other girls you can't stop him but he can't see you anymore. If he's determined to play the field you are not going to stop him anyway, so the best you can do is lay the rules loud and clear.
He has become religious
Sue, 19, from jhb, asks:
This guy is friends with this group I used to hang out with a lot. He has become religious and has stopped dating girls as he says he is confused and not ready at the moment. We speak a lot on MSN and have had a lot of arguments about our beliefs-he always says, MSN is a bad place to discuss these things (as opposed to real life) but when I suggest meeting, he says he can't because he only wants to date for marriage and none of us want marriage now. One time he said he would date me if he knew I was right and my expectations were too high too quickly. I am also the one to initiate our online conversations and am enjoying the friendship, although I would like it to progress to the next level and it isn't. I may be seeing him at some religious thing this weekend. Should I just not go and show him that I'm not desperate to see him and am fine on my own. It worries me that he has no plans to date me (he said he likes me but can't date right now) and that he's just enjoying my company and the ego-boost of knowing that I like him and is never planning on making any kind of commitment. On the other hand, I feel like I should just give it time, in spite of all the anxiety and feelings of self-doubt I am experiencing right now. Please help me!
He is a very good-looking boy who is confident in his ability to get girls and I wonder if he wants me because a lot of guys want to date me and it's an even bigger ego-boost that he won't date me but I still devote so much and energy to him.
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
I'm not questioning is commitment to not date until he's more serious, but you are making it too easy for him to not feel the need to get serious. Maybe he's avoiding you because of his convictions, but maybe he's just exercising control over you. And control over you he has! And even sincere religious folks can't help it sometimes being a little devilish.
Stop making such a big fuss over the guy. Doing it only reinforces his current stance.
This guy is friends with this group I used to hang out with a lot. He has become religious and has stopped dating girls as he says he is confused and not ready at the moment. We speak a lot on MSN and have had a lot of arguments about our beliefs-he always says, MSN is a bad place to discuss these things (as opposed to real life) but when I suggest meeting, he says he can't because he only wants to date for marriage and none of us want marriage now. One time he said he would date me if he knew I was right and my expectations were too high too quickly. I am also the one to initiate our online conversations and am enjoying the friendship, although I would like it to progress to the next level and it isn't. I may be seeing him at some religious thing this weekend. Should I just not go and show him that I'm not desperate to see him and am fine on my own. It worries me that he has no plans to date me (he said he likes me but can't date right now) and that he's just enjoying my company and the ego-boost of knowing that I like him and is never planning on making any kind of commitment. On the other hand, I feel like I should just give it time, in spite of all the anxiety and feelings of self-doubt I am experiencing right now. Please help me!
He is a very good-looking boy who is confident in his ability to get girls and I wonder if he wants me because a lot of guys want to date me and it's an even bigger ego-boost that he won't date me but I still devote so much and energy to him.
Thanks
VictorM's advice:
I'm not questioning is commitment to not date until he's more serious, but you are making it too easy for him to not feel the need to get serious. Maybe he's avoiding you because of his convictions, but maybe he's just exercising control over you. And control over you he has! And even sincere religious folks can't help it sometimes being a little devilish.
Stop making such a big fuss over the guy. Doing it only reinforces his current stance.
He tease me that I have curves
Anonymous asks:
OK so I like this guy who is two years older than me. Really friendly and funny. When it's just him and me he REALLY talks to me. And he hugs me. And one time when his dad called me "huge" ( because I'm 6'1" ) he told me I'm not and that he has no idea what he's talking about, that he didn't mean it like that. He teases me that I have curves because I don't like to admit it. And he touches my arm or hand, or if I touch his arm he tenses up, then slowly relaxes but when we are around other people he doesn't talk to me so much and if he does it's always inside jokes. I caught him staring at me a few times and smiling when some people though I was his girlfriend... but he has a girlfriend, one he has had for 3 years who I'm friends with too. I think I'm in love with him. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
You do nothing. He has a girlfriend so you should do nothing different than what you do now. Maybe you're misreading his reactions. Maybe he does like you but feels bad about breaking up with his girlfriend. Maybe he likes her as his girlfriend and you as his friend. But forget all the maybes -- unless and until he breaks-up with her, you're a friend. Behave just like one.
You don't like to admit you have curves? *shakes head* Curves = good. It sure is from a guy's point of view.
OK so I like this guy who is two years older than me. Really friendly and funny. When it's just him and me he REALLY talks to me. And he hugs me. And one time when his dad called me "huge" ( because I'm 6'1" ) he told me I'm not and that he has no idea what he's talking about, that he didn't mean it like that. He teases me that I have curves because I don't like to admit it. And he touches my arm or hand, or if I touch his arm he tenses up, then slowly relaxes but when we are around other people he doesn't talk to me so much and if he does it's always inside jokes. I caught him staring at me a few times and smiling when some people though I was his girlfriend... but he has a girlfriend, one he has had for 3 years who I'm friends with too. I think I'm in love with him. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
You do nothing. He has a girlfriend so you should do nothing different than what you do now. Maybe you're misreading his reactions. Maybe he does like you but feels bad about breaking up with his girlfriend. Maybe he likes her as his girlfriend and you as his friend. But forget all the maybes -- unless and until he breaks-up with her, you're a friend. Behave just like one.
You don't like to admit you have curves? *shakes head* Curves = good. It sure is from a guy's point of view.
I made friends with a really great guy
misha, 20, from nepal, asks:
In my first year of college I made friends with a really great guy. We hit it off (as friends) completely and soon became fast friends. I had never felt a greater level of bonding with anyone before. I had a crush on him and told him that but he was not interested and well.. just thanked me and said that he hoped it won't make things weired in the friendship. I made myself forget about it and we became even better friends after that. In the second year of college he had a crush on me and asked me out. I did not have the same feeling but said yes. I know it was a thoughtless thing to do but at that time I wanted to give it a try. We broke up in two months. It was good in the beginning but after that it did not seem true anymore. It was just two great friends trying very hard to make a relationship work. The problem was that at the time he broke up with me, I fell in love with him. We study in the same class and tried very hard to get back to the great friendship and comfort level we shared. We both feel sad about it but are not very open in communicating our feelings. It has been a year and I still feel miserable. It seems that time is only making it worse. There is another year of college left. I feel he has moved on. He is now close to another girl in our friends group. He hangs out with her most of the time. Maybe they even have a crush on each other and the only reason they are not a couple is me. I cannot see them together all the time. I feel that I have lost a very good friendship and it makes me very sad. Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Your situation is a good example of the expression "things will get worse before they get better". Things are getting worse, but that is part of the process. It will get better.
You can't make him have feelings that he doesn't have. So, given the circumstances, you hurt. Life is difficult and you're finding that out. There are no wonder pills, no magic wands, no quick fixes... you have to rely on willpower and determination to get past it.
In my first year of college I made friends with a really great guy. We hit it off (as friends) completely and soon became fast friends. I had never felt a greater level of bonding with anyone before. I had a crush on him and told him that but he was not interested and well.. just thanked me and said that he hoped it won't make things weired in the friendship. I made myself forget about it and we became even better friends after that. In the second year of college he had a crush on me and asked me out. I did not have the same feeling but said yes. I know it was a thoughtless thing to do but at that time I wanted to give it a try. We broke up in two months. It was good in the beginning but after that it did not seem true anymore. It was just two great friends trying very hard to make a relationship work. The problem was that at the time he broke up with me, I fell in love with him. We study in the same class and tried very hard to get back to the great friendship and comfort level we shared. We both feel sad about it but are not very open in communicating our feelings. It has been a year and I still feel miserable. It seems that time is only making it worse. There is another year of college left. I feel he has moved on. He is now close to another girl in our friends group. He hangs out with her most of the time. Maybe they even have a crush on each other and the only reason they are not a couple is me. I cannot see them together all the time. I feel that I have lost a very good friendship and it makes me very sad. Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Your situation is a good example of the expression "things will get worse before they get better". Things are getting worse, but that is part of the process. It will get better.
You can't make him have feelings that he doesn't have. So, given the circumstances, you hurt. Life is difficult and you're finding that out. There are no wonder pills, no magic wands, no quick fixes... you have to rely on willpower and determination to get past it.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I think he is into me
rachel, 21, from wisconsin, asks:
I really like this guy and I think he is into me, but doesn't know it yet. We hang out a lot but I've asked him out and he said no. But he confides in me, and he tells me things that he won't tell others. How can I tell? He also had a bad relationship with someone he dated for five years, do you think this could be a problem too?
VictorM's advice:
I prior bad experience sure can make a guy get cautious, at least for a while, but don't confuse a guy thinking you're the kind he can confide in with one that he is into. I'm not saying he isn't, just cautioning you not to jump to that conclusion.
But what's the rush anyway? Enjoy his company, be a good friend, and eventually something will give. Guys generally move slower than girls into full fledged relationship.
I really like this guy and I think he is into me, but doesn't know it yet. We hang out a lot but I've asked him out and he said no. But he confides in me, and he tells me things that he won't tell others. How can I tell? He also had a bad relationship with someone he dated for five years, do you think this could be a problem too?
VictorM's advice:
I prior bad experience sure can make a guy get cautious, at least for a while, but don't confuse a guy thinking you're the kind he can confide in with one that he is into. I'm not saying he isn't, just cautioning you not to jump to that conclusion.
But what's the rush anyway? Enjoy his company, be a good friend, and eventually something will give. Guys generally move slower than girls into full fledged relationship.
I have a boyfriend that is really sweet
kylie, from CA, asks:
Hey I'm 17 and I have a boyfriend that is really sweet, smart, good looking. I'm going to college next year but I don't want a boyfriend when I am in college just because I don't want to be so committed and obligated to one person just yet... He is more serious about our relationship than I am and it sometimes scares me. I don't want to sound mean but I don't think I want be in something soo serious right now. Every time I tell him that, he just becomes all sad. I like and care about him a lot, I just feel like I need some space and maybe date some other guys in college. Breaking up with him has come across my mind several times. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes sweet, smart, good looking just isn't what you need. You're looking for experiences that he can't provide through no fault of his. But that's life.
There's a song that goes "There's no easy way to break someone's heart". Just break-up with him. You'll feel bad, I'm sure, but the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll get over it and be ready for what's to come. Don't try to sugar coat it, don't make it weepy, don't give him the "you're a great guy" crap. A simple: "I'm not ready for a serious relationship and I want to feel free for new experiences in college" is all you need to say.
Even if things in college don't turn out as you hope, you will never regret breaking-up with him nearly as much as you would if you didn't open yourself up for new experiences. Break-up with him. Do it now!
Hey I'm 17 and I have a boyfriend that is really sweet, smart, good looking. I'm going to college next year but I don't want a boyfriend when I am in college just because I don't want to be so committed and obligated to one person just yet... He is more serious about our relationship than I am and it sometimes scares me. I don't want to sound mean but I don't think I want be in something soo serious right now. Every time I tell him that, he just becomes all sad. I like and care about him a lot, I just feel like I need some space and maybe date some other guys in college. Breaking up with him has come across my mind several times. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Sometimes sweet, smart, good looking just isn't what you need. You're looking for experiences that he can't provide through no fault of his. But that's life.
There's a song that goes "There's no easy way to break someone's heart". Just break-up with him. You'll feel bad, I'm sure, but the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll get over it and be ready for what's to come. Don't try to sugar coat it, don't make it weepy, don't give him the "you're a great guy" crap. A simple: "I'm not ready for a serious relationship and I want to feel free for new experiences in college" is all you need to say.
Even if things in college don't turn out as you hope, you will never regret breaking-up with him nearly as much as you would if you didn't open yourself up for new experiences. Break-up with him. Do it now!
We really connected
Jennifer, 25, from Southern California, asks:
I met a guy through work and we really connected. We do live in different cities so our time together is minimal. But for the last 2 months we have talked constantly on the phone everyday, taken fun trips to meet up together, and been really involved with one another. Last week he cancelled plans for me to come visit this week, our 45 minute conversations daily have gone to 5 minute conversations twice a week. He was showering me with attention and affection, I'm trying to not get upset by his sudden behavior change, but what happened?
VictorM's advice:
What happened? He came down to the real world, that's what. Those 45 minute conversations daily were unsustainable by most guy standards. You both got off the gate at a pace that is too intense. He reached the point when it is time to shift from the high strung, love-drug induced behavior into one with more balance.
It's also possible, of course, that he's cooling off about you, and will fade out totally. But I would not jump to that conclusion just yet.
You'll do yourself and him a service if you encourage more spacing between calls. Don't be so eager or even so available to him. See if his interest remains the same as it is now. If it does, then I think you have found his happy medium (you have to decide on your own if that's enough for you or not); if he's happy he's talking less and less, then I think you can assume he's fading off and losing interest in you.
I know most girls have this super human endurance for phone calls and living in a text word, but guys are much more real-world based. After a while, all the talking just drives us crazy. We need to see you and touch you to fill-in the spaces between all the yapping.
I met a guy through work and we really connected. We do live in different cities so our time together is minimal. But for the last 2 months we have talked constantly on the phone everyday, taken fun trips to meet up together, and been really involved with one another. Last week he cancelled plans for me to come visit this week, our 45 minute conversations daily have gone to 5 minute conversations twice a week. He was showering me with attention and affection, I'm trying to not get upset by his sudden behavior change, but what happened?
VictorM's advice:
What happened? He came down to the real world, that's what. Those 45 minute conversations daily were unsustainable by most guy standards. You both got off the gate at a pace that is too intense. He reached the point when it is time to shift from the high strung, love-drug induced behavior into one with more balance.
It's also possible, of course, that he's cooling off about you, and will fade out totally. But I would not jump to that conclusion just yet.
You'll do yourself and him a service if you encourage more spacing between calls. Don't be so eager or even so available to him. See if his interest remains the same as it is now. If it does, then I think you have found his happy medium (you have to decide on your own if that's enough for you or not); if he's happy he's talking less and less, then I think you can assume he's fading off and losing interest in you.
I know most girls have this super human endurance for phone calls and living in a text word, but guys are much more real-world based. After a while, all the talking just drives us crazy. We need to see you and touch you to fill-in the spaces between all the yapping.
I have strong feelings for someone I work with
catey, 21, from usa, asks:
I am really torn. I have strong feelings for someone I work with. He is older. We talk a lot and he has invited me out before. I flirt with him and he flirts back. He has let it be known that me and him have been together to other people before. He has complimented me and wants to know who I like. He teases me. Shows off around me. I decided to try and get over him with someone else and I do like this other person but I can't stop falling for him. What do I do? Do you think there's anything there?
VictorM's advice:
You don't say how old he is, but I assume that the difference is large enough that you have concerns. Your description also seems to indicate that the older guy likes you and likes showing off around you but he has no interest in pursuing anything further. I say that because of him questioning who you like. I'm assuming he doesn't see himself in the picture.
You don't give enough information to address your "anything there" question. I will say this: older man quite often enjoy the attention of younger women. It makes them feel good and it strokes their ego. Does it mean they're looking for a relationship with her? Most often they're not. It's a fantasy situation, pure and simple.
You decided to look elsewhere for a reason. Trust your instincts; they never fail you.
I am really torn. I have strong feelings for someone I work with. He is older. We talk a lot and he has invited me out before. I flirt with him and he flirts back. He has let it be known that me and him have been together to other people before. He has complimented me and wants to know who I like. He teases me. Shows off around me. I decided to try and get over him with someone else and I do like this other person but I can't stop falling for him. What do I do? Do you think there's anything there?
VictorM's advice:
You don't say how old he is, but I assume that the difference is large enough that you have concerns. Your description also seems to indicate that the older guy likes you and likes showing off around you but he has no interest in pursuing anything further. I say that because of him questioning who you like. I'm assuming he doesn't see himself in the picture.
You don't give enough information to address your "anything there" question. I will say this: older man quite often enjoy the attention of younger women. It makes them feel good and it strokes their ego. Does it mean they're looking for a relationship with her? Most often they're not. It's a fantasy situation, pure and simple.
You decided to look elsewhere for a reason. Trust your instincts; they never fail you.
Why didn't you tell me
Laney, 25, from Nebraska, asks:
If every time you see your ex, he talks about things such as "why didn't you tell me you wanted to be with me", "why didn't you tell me you loved me", "why didn't you even give me clues that you may have wanted to be with me 10 years down the road", what does that mean? He even expressed this to my sister when he seen her, asking her the same questions about me. He has a baby due in the next few months and I feel as though he has doubts about his current relationship (he has said that he is going to do the "right thing" this time around and marry this woman). We don't talk too often because there's a lot of animosity that I have towards him because I feel as though he left me and my child to go and be with and eventually make another baby with another woman.
VictorM's advice:
Oh mister loser cheated on you and abandoned you, then gets a women that he's not really into pregnant and does he assume responsibility for his actions? No. He wants to place blame elsewhere, namely with you. That's what all that means -- he wants to blame you for his problems. This is all about him being an irresponsible child. Give him the finger and go on with your life.
OK, maybe I don't mean give him the finger figuratively. If I understand you correctly he is the father of your child. You should at least get child support and feel secure in your decision that over time your well justified animosity gives way to allowing him to get a second change at taking responsibility, this time with his child. Not for his sake, but for your child's.
If every time you see your ex, he talks about things such as "why didn't you tell me you wanted to be with me", "why didn't you tell me you loved me", "why didn't you even give me clues that you may have wanted to be with me 10 years down the road", what does that mean? He even expressed this to my sister when he seen her, asking her the same questions about me. He has a baby due in the next few months and I feel as though he has doubts about his current relationship (he has said that he is going to do the "right thing" this time around and marry this woman). We don't talk too often because there's a lot of animosity that I have towards him because I feel as though he left me and my child to go and be with and eventually make another baby with another woman.
VictorM's advice:
Oh mister loser cheated on you and abandoned you, then gets a women that he's not really into pregnant and does he assume responsibility for his actions? No. He wants to place blame elsewhere, namely with you. That's what all that means -- he wants to blame you for his problems. This is all about him being an irresponsible child. Give him the finger and go on with your life.
OK, maybe I don't mean give him the finger figuratively. If I understand you correctly he is the father of your child. You should at least get child support and feel secure in your decision that over time your well justified animosity gives way to allowing him to get a second change at taking responsibility, this time with his child. Not for his sake, but for your child's.
He was very jealous and controlling
Leigh, 28, from New Zealand, asks:
I was with a guy on and off for three years, it was always ending because he was very jealous and controlling and I could not handle this. It ended for good three months ago, partly because he was no longer interested in having a relationship with me because of our up and down history. During this time I got to know his friends and one of his friends has begun paying attention to me and asking me out over the last two months. We seem to click and I have even spent time with his family and friends. He said that he wants more than a fling. He has not however told my ex that we are seeing each other, as he knows that this will probably be the end of their friendship, and they have known each other for years. Although I think that we could have a good relationship together we are still in the stage of getting to know each other. I don't however want to stay in this situation forever and told him that he will eventually have to decide whether he wants to risk his friend getting mad if he wants to have something good with me. I want what's best for him, I don't want him to lose any of his friends over this, but at the same time I care for him and don't want to develop deeper feelings for him and then be hurt. Should I get out now, give him an ultimatum, or hang in there?
VictorM's advice:
Hang in there is a relative term. How long are you willing to wait? I would say not long. I tell you why. This guy is seeing you behind your ex's back. So in essence, he's already betrayed his friend's trust. Their friendship is not as important as he's making it sound to be. So any talk of what his friend means to him is pure hypocrisy.
You shouldn't wait till you're engaged for him to tell your ex; he should do it now and get it over with so the two of you give your relationship a change without this undue stress. Will your ex flip over this? Maybe, maybe not. But in any case, he's not part of your life anymore and he has no say on who you see.
Publish Post
He should tell his friend NOW. It is the decent and smart thing to do. Any more delay by this guy says he's either not into you or he's a big coward.
I was with a guy on and off for three years, it was always ending because he was very jealous and controlling and I could not handle this. It ended for good three months ago, partly because he was no longer interested in having a relationship with me because of our up and down history. During this time I got to know his friends and one of his friends has begun paying attention to me and asking me out over the last two months. We seem to click and I have even spent time with his family and friends. He said that he wants more than a fling. He has not however told my ex that we are seeing each other, as he knows that this will probably be the end of their friendship, and they have known each other for years. Although I think that we could have a good relationship together we are still in the stage of getting to know each other. I don't however want to stay in this situation forever and told him that he will eventually have to decide whether he wants to risk his friend getting mad if he wants to have something good with me. I want what's best for him, I don't want him to lose any of his friends over this, but at the same time I care for him and don't want to develop deeper feelings for him and then be hurt. Should I get out now, give him an ultimatum, or hang in there?
VictorM's advice:
Hang in there is a relative term. How long are you willing to wait? I would say not long. I tell you why. This guy is seeing you behind your ex's back. So in essence, he's already betrayed his friend's trust. Their friendship is not as important as he's making it sound to be. So any talk of what his friend means to him is pure hypocrisy.
You shouldn't wait till you're engaged for him to tell your ex; he should do it now and get it over with so the two of you give your relationship a change without this undue stress. Will your ex flip over this? Maybe, maybe not. But in any case, he's not part of your life anymore and he has no say on who you see.
Publish Post
He should tell his friend NOW. It is the decent and smart thing to do. Any more delay by this guy says he's either not into you or he's a big coward.
The Guy
Next time you're thinking that all guys are losers, take a look at this site: www.TheGuy.net
It just started and some parts are still under construction, but it promises to be an interesting read.
It just started and some parts are still under construction, but it promises to be an interesting read.
Women are complicated
Mariana, 22, from Buenos Aires, Argentina, asks:
There's this common belief that women are complicated and men are just the opposite. Well... my guess is that people that say this are men.
From my perspective, women are easier to read: show interest in me so I can feel important and pretend you're just one of the long list of men knocking at my door waiting for me to say yes (which is only intended to make YOU more interested in me) =P
On the other hand... if you're a woman you have to play with more subtle tools. You have to be somewhat mysterious (not too mysterious because then you have communication issues), show interest in the guy (but not that much because then he takes you for granted), tell him that you like him but at the same time you shouldn't tell him anything and let him wonder! That way he'll try harder to get you. And don't even get me started on the "should a girl ask a guy out?" because men tell you "YES!!" but then they can't feel the thrill of the chase they love and they don't appreciate what didn’t take much to get.
I know… you're waiting for the question. You're the guy... please tell me what is it that you expect from us when you first start dating us? And when is it that you decide to stick to that woman or keep looking? (I know, every guy is different but I'm looking for the general aspect).
PS. Sorry about the long text, I like writing. Oh and BTW, I like your style. You're straightforward, you have great sense of humor and you use a lot of sarcasm (which I love). Thanks for the time!
VictorM's advice:
Well Marianna, you are a very wise young woman. So wise in fact that you were able to debunk your own statement about guys. You were trying to say that guys are more complicated than women but then you proceed to write, in one clever paragraph, all that women should need to know to deal with guys. Bravo for being so articulate and for proving guys are simple creatures.
On the other hand, try to explain why women needs 300 pair of shoes, why they ask guys who can't dress themselves if this dress goes with these shoes, why women think that men can read their minds and give them the exact gift on the exact date for the exact reason that she so cleverly conceals from him. Women are walking puzzles.
What guys want from a woman on their first date is a reason to want a second date. It's up to you to find out what that is.
PS. Gracias. You are a wonderful writer.
There's this common belief that women are complicated and men are just the opposite. Well... my guess is that people that say this are men.
From my perspective, women are easier to read: show interest in me so I can feel important and pretend you're just one of the long list of men knocking at my door waiting for me to say yes (which is only intended to make YOU more interested in me) =P
On the other hand... if you're a woman you have to play with more subtle tools. You have to be somewhat mysterious (not too mysterious because then you have communication issues), show interest in the guy (but not that much because then he takes you for granted), tell him that you like him but at the same time you shouldn't tell him anything and let him wonder! That way he'll try harder to get you. And don't even get me started on the "should a girl ask a guy out?" because men tell you "YES!!" but then they can't feel the thrill of the chase they love and they don't appreciate what didn’t take much to get.
I know… you're waiting for the question. You're the guy... please tell me what is it that you expect from us when you first start dating us? And when is it that you decide to stick to that woman or keep looking? (I know, every guy is different but I'm looking for the general aspect).
PS. Sorry about the long text, I like writing. Oh and BTW, I like your style. You're straightforward, you have great sense of humor and you use a lot of sarcasm (which I love). Thanks for the time!
VictorM's advice:
Well Marianna, you are a very wise young woman. So wise in fact that you were able to debunk your own statement about guys. You were trying to say that guys are more complicated than women but then you proceed to write, in one clever paragraph, all that women should need to know to deal with guys. Bravo for being so articulate and for proving guys are simple creatures.
On the other hand, try to explain why women needs 300 pair of shoes, why they ask guys who can't dress themselves if this dress goes with these shoes, why women think that men can read their minds and give them the exact gift on the exact date for the exact reason that she so cleverly conceals from him. Women are walking puzzles.
What guys want from a woman on their first date is a reason to want a second date. It's up to you to find out what that is.
PS. Gracias. You are a wonderful writer.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
How guys are when they are in love
Kell, 23, from UK, asks:
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 years. We get along great. When we first met we became close friends. We had much in common and things progressed. He asked me to marry him and I accepted. Our engagement is after 2 months the thing is sometimes I feel he loves me too much and it kinda scares me. He gets upset if he oversleeps or sometimes when I joke around and say are you bored of me and he says that somethings shouldn't be joked about, that I changed his life and that he will make sure that he never upsets me and if he upsets me he gets sad that he did and sometimes all of this scares me. It feels like it's just so not real. Is this how guys are when they are in love?
VictorM's advice:
No. Your fiance is just weird and you are even weirder for being with him.
OK... Yes, I'm kidding. How did you like the joke? Maybe some jokes just aren't funny to some people and we should learn to recognize this.
Your boyfriend seems overly eager to be the perfect mate. Is this how most guys behave when they're in love? No. But that's how your guy behaves. He does sound uptight. Too uptight? That's a matter of personal tolerance. Some women might find his behavior endearing, some would want to fry his nuts. But in this case, only your opinion matters.
You should be honest with yourself. Is his behavior scaring you or are your feelings about him scaring you? You know, there are many characteristics about people that can be a turn off. If someone this uptight is a turn off, it's not a crime. Don't continue in a relationship just because the guy loves you madly. It's most important that you love him too. Yeah, I know you said you get along great. But getting along great and being in love are not the same thing.
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 years. We get along great. When we first met we became close friends. We had much in common and things progressed. He asked me to marry him and I accepted. Our engagement is after 2 months the thing is sometimes I feel he loves me too much and it kinda scares me. He gets upset if he oversleeps or sometimes when I joke around and say are you bored of me and he says that somethings shouldn't be joked about, that I changed his life and that he will make sure that he never upsets me and if he upsets me he gets sad that he did and sometimes all of this scares me. It feels like it's just so not real. Is this how guys are when they are in love?
VictorM's advice:
No. Your fiance is just weird and you are even weirder for being with him.
OK... Yes, I'm kidding. How did you like the joke? Maybe some jokes just aren't funny to some people and we should learn to recognize this.
Your boyfriend seems overly eager to be the perfect mate. Is this how most guys behave when they're in love? No. But that's how your guy behaves. He does sound uptight. Too uptight? That's a matter of personal tolerance. Some women might find his behavior endearing, some would want to fry his nuts. But in this case, only your opinion matters.
You should be honest with yourself. Is his behavior scaring you or are your feelings about him scaring you? You know, there are many characteristics about people that can be a turn off. If someone this uptight is a turn off, it's not a crime. Don't continue in a relationship just because the guy loves you madly. It's most important that you love him too. Yeah, I know you said you get along great. But getting along great and being in love are not the same thing.
We hit it off on the phone
margaret, 39, from CT, asks:
I went out to meet a guy via (on-line). We hit it off on the phone. Anyway, I think I made a great first impression..but later...after 3 martinis...I was altered. I left the bar after getting huffy with him for saying I looked heavier than my pictures (he's right). Anyway, I spent the night in my car vomiting. The next day I saw he "closed" the connection. I called to apologize..left it on his voice mail. He called back, claiming he closed it because he thought I'd want nothing to do with him and he invited me to dinner at his house. We had a nice time. I left after some great kisses. I found him to be very sweet.. but now, I am thinking.. could he have been feeling guilty? He hasn't called and it's been 24 hours. We're past the "2 day rule" aren't we??
VictorM's answer:
Sounds to me like he felt guilty he said you were fatter than your picture (this guy needs an emergency remedial class on dealing with women, I tell you!) and he thought you'd never speak to him again. I think he was relieved and pleased you were OK with him.
I wish that women at birth were implanted with a chip that lets them know this important fact: Most guys hate calling on the phone. They hate it! So, make nothing of him not having called.
Oh, and forget about these little rules. That is so middle-school or idiotic self-help stuff.
I went out to meet a guy via (on-line). We hit it off on the phone. Anyway, I think I made a great first impression..but later...after 3 martinis...I was altered. I left the bar after getting huffy with him for saying I looked heavier than my pictures (he's right). Anyway, I spent the night in my car vomiting. The next day I saw he "closed" the connection. I called to apologize..left it on his voice mail. He called back, claiming he closed it because he thought I'd want nothing to do with him and he invited me to dinner at his house. We had a nice time. I left after some great kisses. I found him to be very sweet.. but now, I am thinking.. could he have been feeling guilty? He hasn't called and it's been 24 hours. We're past the "2 day rule" aren't we??
VictorM's answer:
Sounds to me like he felt guilty he said you were fatter than your picture (this guy needs an emergency remedial class on dealing with women, I tell you!) and he thought you'd never speak to him again. I think he was relieved and pleased you were OK with him.
I wish that women at birth were implanted with a chip that lets them know this important fact: Most guys hate calling on the phone. They hate it! So, make nothing of him not having called.
Oh, and forget about these little rules. That is so middle-school or idiotic self-help stuff.
Walnut in a hostel
Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:
Hi Victor,
I stayed in hostel these days. Something is really going on between my ex and my best friend in the house. My ex admitted that he really likes her and they share the same interests. I can't stay there. Financially I can't kick them both out and live in the house by myself. I don't want to have any hope on my relationship. I need to focus on a new life: baby and I. It's easy to say, but it's so hard. I miss him already. How can I move on to a new life and be happy again?!
VictorM's advice:
Walnut, you talk as if this man was the only source of your happiness; he is not. The only thing he is for sure is the source of your unhappiness.
Missing him is a process by which you remove him from your system. With him in the picture you'll have nothing but heartache. Every day you stay away from him your chances of finding happiness actually increase.
By the way, if you ever run into this ex-friend of your, kick her in the ass for me, will ya?
Hi Victor,
I stayed in hostel these days. Something is really going on between my ex and my best friend in the house. My ex admitted that he really likes her and they share the same interests. I can't stay there. Financially I can't kick them both out and live in the house by myself. I don't want to have any hope on my relationship. I need to focus on a new life: baby and I. It's easy to say, but it's so hard. I miss him already. How can I move on to a new life and be happy again?!
VictorM's advice:
Walnut, you talk as if this man was the only source of your happiness; he is not. The only thing he is for sure is the source of your unhappiness.
Missing him is a process by which you remove him from your system. With him in the picture you'll have nothing but heartache. Every day you stay away from him your chances of finding happiness actually increase.
By the way, if you ever run into this ex-friend of your, kick her in the ass for me, will ya?
Monday, May 28, 2007
We broke up twice
janee, 35, from vancouver, asks:
I have been seeing this guy that I work with on and off for about 10 months. We broke up twice. The second time was mutual. Both times we were together we were not committed but agreed to casual sex. I stupidly thought if I just sleep with him eventually he will want to commit!
The second time we broke up it was because he went to Asia for six weeks with his ex girlfriend. And he went to India the year before with her. I said to myself, since her father just died and his dog just died, (this was last Aug), maybe they just are friends like he said and he wants to support her.
Anyways when he came back I said I wanted a committed relationship if we were gonna be sexual especially since he wasn't even willing to accept monogamy.
He agreed. We then got back together recently, month and half. We are still not committed. Now it's casual afternoon sex after work and lets me see two dates on the weekend but never weekend nights and still no invite to his house in almost a year. He always comes to my place.
I asked him if he is still in love with his ex but he insists that they are not together. How much longer do I wait? The latest was, he said: "I am confused. I keep forgetting that we are not in a relationship and I get jealous when I think you might be dating." I said: "Well, this is the way you want it." Nothing. Now what?
VictorM's answer:
A few short observations: 1) You may be one of the most gullible people on the planet; 2) He is not confused, he knows exactly what he wants and he's getting it; 3) People, in general, lose respect for people who show no spine; 4) What are you waiting for to move on with your life without him?
OK, now that I got that out of my system, let's get to the specifics, step by step.
1) "I said to myself, since her father just died and his dog just died... maybe they just are friends." Are you freaking kidding him? Six weeks with his ex in Asia? Because his fucking dog died?! I'll say no more.
2) When a guy says he's confused, he means you don't yet measure up. What's there to be confused about if all he feels for his ex is friendship? What's there to be confused about if you wanted commitment but he's OK with you dating others? What's there to be confused about if he won't let you be part of his life? There's no confusion. You're a good afternoon fuck and that's all you are to him.
3) You said you wanted a commitment if you were going to have sex, but you are having sex without a commitment. No spine. He "lets me see two dates on the weekend"! Holy crap, what are you, a teenager getting permission from your parents? No spine. You asked him if he loved his ex and he didn't give you an answer. You let him slide. No spine.
4) He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you in his life. He's too attached to his ex. He dominates you. He's "confused" even after 10 months. "Now what?", you ask. You know what now what. You don't need to hear me say it. You just don't have the balls to do it. But don't blame him; he's getting exactly what he wants, why should he change? Unless, of course, he wants a woman who has a spine. Most guys do. He's not getting that. But he's getting sex in the afternoon. He'll take it... for now.
Janee... your fear of losing him is the reason you're never going to get him. If you are willing to denying him sex, and put your foot down on everything else (his ex, his house, no dating others) you'd stand a better chance. Maybe not a good chance, but a better one than now. If not with this guy, with the next one.
I have been seeing this guy that I work with on and off for about 10 months. We broke up twice. The second time was mutual. Both times we were together we were not committed but agreed to casual sex. I stupidly thought if I just sleep with him eventually he will want to commit!
The second time we broke up it was because he went to Asia for six weeks with his ex girlfriend. And he went to India the year before with her. I said to myself, since her father just died and his dog just died, (this was last Aug), maybe they just are friends like he said and he wants to support her.
Anyways when he came back I said I wanted a committed relationship if we were gonna be sexual especially since he wasn't even willing to accept monogamy.
He agreed. We then got back together recently, month and half. We are still not committed. Now it's casual afternoon sex after work and lets me see two dates on the weekend but never weekend nights and still no invite to his house in almost a year. He always comes to my place.
I asked him if he is still in love with his ex but he insists that they are not together. How much longer do I wait? The latest was, he said: "I am confused. I keep forgetting that we are not in a relationship and I get jealous when I think you might be dating." I said: "Well, this is the way you want it." Nothing. Now what?
VictorM's answer:
A few short observations: 1) You may be one of the most gullible people on the planet; 2) He is not confused, he knows exactly what he wants and he's getting it; 3) People, in general, lose respect for people who show no spine; 4) What are you waiting for to move on with your life without him?
OK, now that I got that out of my system, let's get to the specifics, step by step.
1) "I said to myself, since her father just died and his dog just died... maybe they just are friends." Are you freaking kidding him? Six weeks with his ex in Asia? Because his fucking dog died?! I'll say no more.
2) When a guy says he's confused, he means you don't yet measure up. What's there to be confused about if all he feels for his ex is friendship? What's there to be confused about if you wanted commitment but he's OK with you dating others? What's there to be confused about if he won't let you be part of his life? There's no confusion. You're a good afternoon fuck and that's all you are to him.
3) You said you wanted a commitment if you were going to have sex, but you are having sex without a commitment. No spine. He "lets me see two dates on the weekend"! Holy crap, what are you, a teenager getting permission from your parents? No spine. You asked him if he loved his ex and he didn't give you an answer. You let him slide. No spine.
4) He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you in his life. He's too attached to his ex. He dominates you. He's "confused" even after 10 months. "Now what?", you ask. You know what now what. You don't need to hear me say it. You just don't have the balls to do it. But don't blame him; he's getting exactly what he wants, why should he change? Unless, of course, he wants a woman who has a spine. Most guys do. He's not getting that. But he's getting sex in the afternoon. He'll take it... for now.
Janee... your fear of losing him is the reason you're never going to get him. If you are willing to denying him sex, and put your foot down on everything else (his ex, his house, no dating others) you'd stand a better chance. Maybe not a good chance, but a better one than now. If not with this guy, with the next one.
Maxi is doing great
maxi, 20, from ct, asks:
Hi victorM, you don't have to hide under the desk-it's fixed all thanx to you.
We spoke face to face and we are doing great!!!!!! Now we both know what it is that we want with each other and yes my expectations were warped!!! But I guess that happenes when you leave a long term relationship... Anyway so thanx again for all the advice and I'm sure I'll be back-so don't miss me too much!!!
VictorM's comment:
That's good to hear Maxi. And thanks for taking the time to let us know.
Hi victorM, you don't have to hide under the desk-it's fixed all thanx to you.
We spoke face to face and we are doing great!!!!!! Now we both know what it is that we want with each other and yes my expectations were warped!!! But I guess that happenes when you leave a long term relationship... Anyway so thanx again for all the advice and I'm sure I'll be back-so don't miss me too much!!!
VictorM's comment:
That's good to hear Maxi. And thanks for taking the time to let us know.
Never great friends
anella, 17, from california, asks:
So there's a guy at school who I've known for a few years now, we've always been friendly but never great friends. I never had any interest in him until earlier this year. Honestly I don't even know what it is about him that I like so much.. he's not bad looking, but definitely not gorgeous, and he's shy and a little bit socially awkward. Our junior prom was a few weeks ago, and neither of us had a date, so I decided to casually ask him if he would like to go with me. He said yes, seemed happy about it, and we had a good time, despite how nervous he was. For a few days after we talked a lot, but then he started backing off, and the past week or so we have barely talked at all. Mutual friends say that he likes me, and I really wish we could hang out outside of school more, but I don't know if I should make a move. I know he's shy, but I already asked him to prom, shouldn't that give him enough confidence to be friendlier with me?
VictorM's advice:
No. Shyness is not about confidence; it's about trust. He doesn't trust you enough yet to not say "no" to him, so he doesn't ask. Not going out with you is better than you saying "no" to him. That's what he thinks (subconsciously anyway).
You may have to take the initiative a few more times, and be a little patience until he breaks through the trust issue. With some shy people it takes longer than others, but once the barrier comes down, he'll be fine. Most shy people drastically change their behavior once they trust a person.
You can make it easier for him to ask you out. For example, if he talks about wanting to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, say to him that you too would love to see it so when he goes to ask you to go with him. You need to be this direct; hints don't work too well.
So there's a guy at school who I've known for a few years now, we've always been friendly but never great friends. I never had any interest in him until earlier this year. Honestly I don't even know what it is about him that I like so much.. he's not bad looking, but definitely not gorgeous, and he's shy and a little bit socially awkward. Our junior prom was a few weeks ago, and neither of us had a date, so I decided to casually ask him if he would like to go with me. He said yes, seemed happy about it, and we had a good time, despite how nervous he was. For a few days after we talked a lot, but then he started backing off, and the past week or so we have barely talked at all. Mutual friends say that he likes me, and I really wish we could hang out outside of school more, but I don't know if I should make a move. I know he's shy, but I already asked him to prom, shouldn't that give him enough confidence to be friendlier with me?
VictorM's advice:
No. Shyness is not about confidence; it's about trust. He doesn't trust you enough yet to not say "no" to him, so he doesn't ask. Not going out with you is better than you saying "no" to him. That's what he thinks (subconsciously anyway).
You may have to take the initiative a few more times, and be a little patience until he breaks through the trust issue. With some shy people it takes longer than others, but once the barrier comes down, he'll be fine. Most shy people drastically change their behavior once they trust a person.
You can make it easier for him to ask you out. For example, if he talks about wanting to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, say to him that you too would love to see it so when he goes to ask you to go with him. You need to be this direct; hints don't work too well.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
How Long Is Long Enough?
sandy, 44, from michigan, asks:
I have had relations with this man of some sort another for 2 years. We are trying to have a committed relationship, but I'm not sure if he ready or just not capable. How do I go about finding out? I wasted 25 years with another man and 2 years should be long enough for him to know if it's me he wants. How do I find this out?
VictorM's advice:
Two years is more than enough time. If a guy can't commit after that, no matter how anyone spins it, he's not into you. He may be getting all he wants from you (sex, company, etc.) and he's happy with this arrangement or he's just not into you enough but he'll stick around until he finds someone better. Either way, he's settling for less than ideal.
You ask how you find out what he wants but whether you admit it or not, you already know the answers to your question. This isn't about him anymore; it's about you. Do you have the courage to be alone while searching for a man who is into you or are you willing to settle for what you've got?
Currently, you're no different than him -- you're just settling too.
I have had relations with this man of some sort another for 2 years. We are trying to have a committed relationship, but I'm not sure if he ready or just not capable. How do I go about finding out? I wasted 25 years with another man and 2 years should be long enough for him to know if it's me he wants. How do I find this out?
VictorM's advice:
Two years is more than enough time. If a guy can't commit after that, no matter how anyone spins it, he's not into you. He may be getting all he wants from you (sex, company, etc.) and he's happy with this arrangement or he's just not into you enough but he'll stick around until he finds someone better. Either way, he's settling for less than ideal.
You ask how you find out what he wants but whether you admit it or not, you already know the answers to your question. This isn't about him anymore; it's about you. Do you have the courage to be alone while searching for a man who is into you or are you willing to settle for what you've got?
Currently, you're no different than him -- you're just settling too.
He Talks About His Crazy Ex
Kate, 20, from USA, asks:
What does it mean when a guy talks to you about his crazy ex?? I'm flattered that he trusts me enough to open up about her and about how he hates that she's always hanging all over him... but it's all we ever talk about! Sometimes I feel like he complains about her clingyness because he still has feelings for her... but then in the next sentence he'll tell me I'm pretty or something flirty. Is he really over her and ready to move on with me? Is he just a nice guy who doesn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her off? Or am I just a friend to turn to for relationship advice?? So confused!!
VictorM's advice:
It's normal that he needs someone to vent with. I don't know how recent the break-up is, but a period of confusion and a need to talk about it is normal. So he talks about her and he flirts with you... basically, he doesn't know what he wants yet. But he knows he likes talking to you.
Most guys hate to make a girl cry or hurt her feelings. He probably feels some guilt, even if she's crazy and even if he's done with her. He's probably just trying to be a nice guy with her.
Listen to him as a friend but don't get too close. Not yet anyway. He needs time to get over the whole relatioship/break-up/guilt thing.
What does it mean when a guy talks to you about his crazy ex?? I'm flattered that he trusts me enough to open up about her and about how he hates that she's always hanging all over him... but it's all we ever talk about! Sometimes I feel like he complains about her clingyness because he still has feelings for her... but then in the next sentence he'll tell me I'm pretty or something flirty. Is he really over her and ready to move on with me? Is he just a nice guy who doesn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her off? Or am I just a friend to turn to for relationship advice?? So confused!!
VictorM's advice:
It's normal that he needs someone to vent with. I don't know how recent the break-up is, but a period of confusion and a need to talk about it is normal. So he talks about her and he flirts with you... basically, he doesn't know what he wants yet. But he knows he likes talking to you.
Most guys hate to make a girl cry or hurt her feelings. He probably feels some guilt, even if she's crazy and even if he's done with her. He's probably just trying to be a nice guy with her.
Listen to him as a friend but don't get too close. Not yet anyway. He needs time to get over the whole relatioship/break-up/guilt thing.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
He seems to have trouble getting rid of his erection
Tracy, 34, from Tennessee, asks:
This might be too inappropriate for this column but not sure where to seek advice on this. I have started seeing someone and we have sent the night together a couple of times. He seems to have trouble getting rid of his erection. This is definitely a new problem for me. Sometimes he just doesn't finish and I feel confused and another time he finished himself off. Also he told me that he masturbates 3, 4 times a day. I couldn't help but feel like I had done something wrong when he finished himself, but also I just don't understand and do you think it's something I should worry about? Like it signifies deeper problems that could later affect me and I should get out now? And I'd like to have a normal sex life...
VictorM's advice:
Nothing you say seems to me to indicate a serious problem. And there's nothing you're doing that's wrong. I see nothing that some adjustments can't fix. I hope you talk to him about this.
For some guys, having sex with someone new causes some stress that affects their sexual behavior. Some have a problem sustaining an erection, some ejaculate too soon, some take too long. In most cases, these situations fix themselves once the familiarity and trust between the couple increases. Some of this could be at play here, but in your case, I think there's something else going on. It has to do with how often he masturbates.
Our bodies are highly adaptable. Because of it, I think his frequent masturbation is causing the situaton you described. No, I don't think masturbation makes you go blind or grow hair on your hands, but excessive masturbation over a long period of time can affect sexual behavior in the way you described, that is, taking extra long to ejaculate and requiring him doing it himself. I'll explain why that is.
Masturbation usually provides the best orgasm. The reason is simple: the mind and the hand are connected and so the guy can speed up, slow down, apply more pressure, etc. exactly as his mind demands. Because of this, he orgasms precisely as he wants to. The downside is that he gets used to a certain pace, grip, feel, and dryness that can't quite be matched by any woman. Chances are that your vagina, short of having a wrestler's hand inside it, can't provide the grip and feel that he's used to. That is why at the end, he needs to do it himself. Only he can provide the grip and pace he's been used to.
So, what to do? Well, 90% of what needs to be done he needs to do it himself. You can help with the other 10%.
He needs to drastically reduce the times he masturbates and when he does he should try to lubricate his hand and penis and lighten his grip so that it more closely resembles a woman vagina's grip and slippery moisture. It's not going to happen overnight so don't expect instant change, but he can and should start doing this now. In the long run, it will be better for him because once he decreases his masturbation and increases sexual activity with you, his orgasms will become even more pleasurable because having a partner with whom he's in sync is much more fun than doing it alone.
You can help by accepting that there's nothing wrong and that his behavior is not a reflection of your sexual performance. You could also turn this into a positive. Many women find the sight of a man masturbating very erotic. If you free yourself from any sense of guilt or blame, maybe you can see it that way too. When he does take matters into his own hands, enjoy it. Don't be a spectator; help him: kiss him, touch him, rub him, maybe even place your hand over his or vice-versa. Don't be afraid to participate, to ask what you can do to help. It can be very enjoyable for both of you.
If he's responsive to this advice and is willing to work with you, I really see no reason to worry about any deeper problems -- I believe there are none. If, however, he's close-minded or stubborn about it, you have problems that go beyond sex.
This might be too inappropriate for this column but not sure where to seek advice on this. I have started seeing someone and we have sent the night together a couple of times. He seems to have trouble getting rid of his erection. This is definitely a new problem for me. Sometimes he just doesn't finish and I feel confused and another time he finished himself off. Also he told me that he masturbates 3, 4 times a day. I couldn't help but feel like I had done something wrong when he finished himself, but also I just don't understand and do you think it's something I should worry about? Like it signifies deeper problems that could later affect me and I should get out now? And I'd like to have a normal sex life...
VictorM's advice:
Nothing you say seems to me to indicate a serious problem. And there's nothing you're doing that's wrong. I see nothing that some adjustments can't fix. I hope you talk to him about this.
For some guys, having sex with someone new causes some stress that affects their sexual behavior. Some have a problem sustaining an erection, some ejaculate too soon, some take too long. In most cases, these situations fix themselves once the familiarity and trust between the couple increases. Some of this could be at play here, but in your case, I think there's something else going on. It has to do with how often he masturbates.
Our bodies are highly adaptable. Because of it, I think his frequent masturbation is causing the situaton you described. No, I don't think masturbation makes you go blind or grow hair on your hands, but excessive masturbation over a long period of time can affect sexual behavior in the way you described, that is, taking extra long to ejaculate and requiring him doing it himself. I'll explain why that is.
Masturbation usually provides the best orgasm. The reason is simple: the mind and the hand are connected and so the guy can speed up, slow down, apply more pressure, etc. exactly as his mind demands. Because of this, he orgasms precisely as he wants to. The downside is that he gets used to a certain pace, grip, feel, and dryness that can't quite be matched by any woman. Chances are that your vagina, short of having a wrestler's hand inside it, can't provide the grip and feel that he's used to. That is why at the end, he needs to do it himself. Only he can provide the grip and pace he's been used to.
So, what to do? Well, 90% of what needs to be done he needs to do it himself. You can help with the other 10%.
He needs to drastically reduce the times he masturbates and when he does he should try to lubricate his hand and penis and lighten his grip so that it more closely resembles a woman vagina's grip and slippery moisture. It's not going to happen overnight so don't expect instant change, but he can and should start doing this now. In the long run, it will be better for him because once he decreases his masturbation and increases sexual activity with you, his orgasms will become even more pleasurable because having a partner with whom he's in sync is much more fun than doing it alone.
You can help by accepting that there's nothing wrong and that his behavior is not a reflection of your sexual performance. You could also turn this into a positive. Many women find the sight of a man masturbating very erotic. If you free yourself from any sense of guilt or blame, maybe you can see it that way too. When he does take matters into his own hands, enjoy it. Don't be a spectator; help him: kiss him, touch him, rub him, maybe even place your hand over his or vice-versa. Don't be afraid to participate, to ask what you can do to help. It can be very enjoyable for both of you.
If he's responsive to this advice and is willing to work with you, I really see no reason to worry about any deeper problems -- I believe there are none. If, however, he's close-minded or stubborn about it, you have problems that go beyond sex.
Maxi is back
maxi, 20, from ct, asks:
Here I go again... (this is before i read the advice) Sunday I asked him what he'd be doing after work and he said he wasn't going to do much maybe he'll go watch a movie, so he asked me what I was going to do and I said nothing as well... then he said, if I didn't want to do anything then that's fine with him! I then replied by saying if that was his way of asking me out on a date he would have to come up with a different way. He did!!! He smsed me later that night and asked but then I told him I was busy but that we could do something on Monday after class. He never replied and I didn't call or sms-nothing, then on Wednesday at work again he greeted me with a kiss and after work he kissed me goodnight and that was it. Why can't he call me first or sms? I always have to initialize communication. What's up with that? He shows interest but doesn't-if that makes any sense!!! What do suppose I do? I'm out of ideas! And getting real tired of this. I'm sure you are too! Do you think his playing hard to get or just being as you said a jerk????
VictorM's advice:
It's starting to sound to me like you're a little too rigid with your expectations of him. You are not a couple! You are not boyfriend/girlfriend. You are two people somewhat interested in the other. You are expecting him to behave as a committed boyfriend and he's avoiding that label, hence the reluctance to call you first. He KNOWS you're itching to get hitched. He's not. He just wants to know you a little better before getting serious but you'll push him away with your expectations and inflexibility.
I mean, look at your expectations for how he should ask you on a date. He didn't do it as you wanted and you jumped on the guy. You seem so eager to pounce on him when your expectations aren't met. He's not a mind reader. People are different. You need to relax.
Maxi, don't hate me, but maybe he's not the one who is being a jerk.
*hides under the desk!*
Here I go again... (this is before i read the advice) Sunday I asked him what he'd be doing after work and he said he wasn't going to do much maybe he'll go watch a movie, so he asked me what I was going to do and I said nothing as well... then he said, if I didn't want to do anything then that's fine with him! I then replied by saying if that was his way of asking me out on a date he would have to come up with a different way. He did!!! He smsed me later that night and asked but then I told him I was busy but that we could do something on Monday after class. He never replied and I didn't call or sms-nothing, then on Wednesday at work again he greeted me with a kiss and after work he kissed me goodnight and that was it. Why can't he call me first or sms? I always have to initialize communication. What's up with that? He shows interest but doesn't-if that makes any sense!!! What do suppose I do? I'm out of ideas! And getting real tired of this. I'm sure you are too! Do you think his playing hard to get or just being as you said a jerk????
VictorM's advice:
It's starting to sound to me like you're a little too rigid with your expectations of him. You are not a couple! You are not boyfriend/girlfriend. You are two people somewhat interested in the other. You are expecting him to behave as a committed boyfriend and he's avoiding that label, hence the reluctance to call you first. He KNOWS you're itching to get hitched. He's not. He just wants to know you a little better before getting serious but you'll push him away with your expectations and inflexibility.
I mean, look at your expectations for how he should ask you on a date. He didn't do it as you wanted and you jumped on the guy. You seem so eager to pounce on him when your expectations aren't met. He's not a mind reader. People are different. You need to relax.
Maxi, don't hate me, but maybe he's not the one who is being a jerk.
*hides under the desk!*
Friday, May 25, 2007
I've been dating this guy for 3 weeks
Marianne, 22, from Boston, asks:
I've been dating this guy for 3 weeks now and we're slowly getting intimate. Truth is: I really like him but I don't want to have sex until we become boyfriend and girlfriend (if we ever do). How can I tell him that without scaring him away?
VictorM's answer:
Why would you be worried about scaring him away? If all he wants his sex, be thankful you scared him away. If he wants more than just sex, he'll be pleased you feel as you do. You should, after all, be interested in a guy who shares your values. The sooner you find out what he thinks, the better.
I just wouldn't phrase it as "until we become boyfriend and girlfriend" because a simple, "hey, wanna be my girlfriend?" calls your bluff and then you're screwed. Make it something more on your own terms, like "no sex untilyou buy me a pair of Prada shoes I'm ready." This gives you more control over the situation.
I've been dating this guy for 3 weeks now and we're slowly getting intimate. Truth is: I really like him but I don't want to have sex until we become boyfriend and girlfriend (if we ever do). How can I tell him that without scaring him away?
VictorM's answer:
Why would you be worried about scaring him away? If all he wants his sex, be thankful you scared him away. If he wants more than just sex, he'll be pleased you feel as you do. You should, after all, be interested in a guy who shares your values. The sooner you find out what he thinks, the better.
I just wouldn't phrase it as "until we become boyfriend and girlfriend" because a simple, "hey, wanna be my girlfriend?" calls your bluff and then you're screwed. Make it something more on your own terms, like "no sex until
We went to the prom together
wondering25, 25, from brooklyn, ny, asks:
Recently I caught up with one of my guy friends from high school. We went to the prom together, but we weren't really attracted to each other then. We still kept in touch throughout college, but it was on a minimal basis. Recently we caught up again, and it wasn't intended to be dates, but it seemed like it was after we saw each other for 3 consecutive days. We went to movies, dinner, and I spent time over his house watching movies. Ever since those few dates, we have been in frequent contact with each other. I realize now that I do like him and I am attracted to him, but I'm uncertain if he feels the same. We have never kissed or been intimate. So I don't want to send mixed signals, however I really want to know if he feels anything for me, but I'm afraid to mess up our current friendship....Any advice????
VictorM's advice:
He's in his mid 20's, spends three days in a row seeing you, stays in frequent contact with you... umm... this is no brainer -- he likes you.
Simmer down your baby-making mechanism and enjoy a good friendship slowly evolve into a great relationship. Enjoy each other's company without the pressure of "commitment". On the path to a relationship you should travel at the speed of the slowest one. I don't say this because of any worries of messing up the friendship, but because you should give yourselves the time for courtship. Let him woo you and seduce you. That's what he wants, that's what he's doing.
Recently I caught up with one of my guy friends from high school. We went to the prom together, but we weren't really attracted to each other then. We still kept in touch throughout college, but it was on a minimal basis. Recently we caught up again, and it wasn't intended to be dates, but it seemed like it was after we saw each other for 3 consecutive days. We went to movies, dinner, and I spent time over his house watching movies. Ever since those few dates, we have been in frequent contact with each other. I realize now that I do like him and I am attracted to him, but I'm uncertain if he feels the same. We have never kissed or been intimate. So I don't want to send mixed signals, however I really want to know if he feels anything for me, but I'm afraid to mess up our current friendship....Any advice????
VictorM's advice:
He's in his mid 20's, spends three days in a row seeing you, stays in frequent contact with you... umm... this is no brainer -- he likes you.
Simmer down your baby-making mechanism and enjoy a good friendship slowly evolve into a great relationship. Enjoy each other's company without the pressure of "commitment". On the path to a relationship you should travel at the speed of the slowest one. I don't say this because of any worries of messing up the friendship, but because you should give yourselves the time for courtship. Let him woo you and seduce you. That's what he wants, that's what he's doing.
I fell in love with him at first sight
Lilly, 28, from New Zealand, asks:
I have had a best guy friend for ten years. When I first met him at the age of 19 I wanted to be with him, I fell in love with him at first sight and heard through a friend that he liked me. Then suddenly he changed his mind. We have been friends since then and there has always been chemistry. We considered being a couple again after he broke up with his long time girlfriend two years ago but the timing was wrong. Recently he came into my life again and I asked him why we had never gotten together. He said that when he was younger he wanted to play the field and knew that if he was with me it would be for keeps. Our friendship is close and caring and we have fun together. We have both admitted that we are attracted to each other. But he said that he is scared of being with me in case it turns bad and we don't work as a couple and our friendship is lost. I feel confused and a bit rejected. Why won't he take the risk? My feelings for him are getting stronger. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
He won't take a risk most likely because he doesn't feel for you the same way you feel for him. Would he tell you that? Not likely. That's just the way guys are. He's happy with the current arrangement: he gets your company, maybe sex (you don't say, but I'm assuming), and doesn't have to make a commitment. Wonderful. And he'll stay in this mode unless and until you make him shit or get off the potty, or he finds someone else that offers more.
What you should do is be prepared to lose his friendship to gain his love. Don't give him an ultimatum, but do tell him that given your feelings, you can't keep spending time with him. Break off the close friendship. I'm not saying be his enemy, but stop spending time with him, and if you are being intimate, stop that. Then see his reaction. If he's in love with you, he will chose to commit not to lose you, otherwise, he'll accept your decision.
My guess, sad to say, is that you're going to lose a friend instead of gaining a lover. His behavior and words are that of a man who finds comfort in your company but not passion. But there's only one way to find out.
For your sake I really hope I'm wrong.
I have had a best guy friend for ten years. When I first met him at the age of 19 I wanted to be with him, I fell in love with him at first sight and heard through a friend that he liked me. Then suddenly he changed his mind. We have been friends since then and there has always been chemistry. We considered being a couple again after he broke up with his long time girlfriend two years ago but the timing was wrong. Recently he came into my life again and I asked him why we had never gotten together. He said that when he was younger he wanted to play the field and knew that if he was with me it would be for keeps. Our friendship is close and caring and we have fun together. We have both admitted that we are attracted to each other. But he said that he is scared of being with me in case it turns bad and we don't work as a couple and our friendship is lost. I feel confused and a bit rejected. Why won't he take the risk? My feelings for him are getting stronger. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
He won't take a risk most likely because he doesn't feel for you the same way you feel for him. Would he tell you that? Not likely. That's just the way guys are. He's happy with the current arrangement: he gets your company, maybe sex (you don't say, but I'm assuming), and doesn't have to make a commitment. Wonderful. And he'll stay in this mode unless and until you make him shit or get off the potty, or he finds someone else that offers more.
What you should do is be prepared to lose his friendship to gain his love. Don't give him an ultimatum, but do tell him that given your feelings, you can't keep spending time with him. Break off the close friendship. I'm not saying be his enemy, but stop spending time with him, and if you are being intimate, stop that. Then see his reaction. If he's in love with you, he will chose to commit not to lose you, otherwise, he'll accept your decision.
My guess, sad to say, is that you're going to lose a friend instead of gaining a lover. His behavior and words are that of a man who finds comfort in your company but not passion. But there's only one way to find out.
For your sake I really hope I'm wrong.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
He totally trashed me in front of all of my friends
Kate, 13, from Boston, asks:
There’s this guy I really liked, and who I thought liked me back. I finally got up the courage to tell him how I felt about him. Last week, he told me friend that he liked me back. Then, he told her that he didn’t like me. Finally, he gave me a note that said “I don’t like you” last Friday. At lunch when I was in the bathroom, he apparently came over, insulted me and gave me the middle finger, and later in the day he totally trashed me in front of all of my friends and the rest of the school. NOW he’s telling everyone we’re going out and I haven’t even spoken to him for a week! I’m so confused! We were good friends for a very long time and I was comfortable with just being myself around him, and his behavior really hurt me. What does he really want and how should I confront him the next time I see him? And WHAT was up with his weird behavior? He really hurt me.
VictorM's answer:
Boys mature at a slower age than girls, specially around your age group. Many early teen boys just can't handle the thought of liking girls yet. Some are afraid of it because liking a girl means possibly having to do things (kissing, making out, etc.) that they are not ready for yet. The other important thing to keep in mind is that boys get mercilessly made fun of by their male friends if they appear to like a girl, or if she likes him. My guess is your friend went overboard with things that hurt your feelings just to get his friends off his back.
He's simply not ready for the boy-girl thing yet. Try again in a couple of years and the story will be totally different.
There’s this guy I really liked, and who I thought liked me back. I finally got up the courage to tell him how I felt about him. Last week, he told me friend that he liked me back. Then, he told her that he didn’t like me. Finally, he gave me a note that said “I don’t like you” last Friday. At lunch when I was in the bathroom, he apparently came over, insulted me and gave me the middle finger, and later in the day he totally trashed me in front of all of my friends and the rest of the school. NOW he’s telling everyone we’re going out and I haven’t even spoken to him for a week! I’m so confused! We were good friends for a very long time and I was comfortable with just being myself around him, and his behavior really hurt me. What does he really want and how should I confront him the next time I see him? And WHAT was up with his weird behavior? He really hurt me.
VictorM's answer:
Boys mature at a slower age than girls, specially around your age group. Many early teen boys just can't handle the thought of liking girls yet. Some are afraid of it because liking a girl means possibly having to do things (kissing, making out, etc.) that they are not ready for yet. The other important thing to keep in mind is that boys get mercilessly made fun of by their male friends if they appear to like a girl, or if she likes him. My guess is your friend went overboard with things that hurt your feelings just to get his friends off his back.
He's simply not ready for the boy-girl thing yet. Try again in a couple of years and the story will be totally different.
Set days
Madi, 28, from Louisiana, asks:
I am a single mom who was dating this guy for 3 months and when we first started dating he understood that it would be part time until we get to know each other better because I didn't want to introduce anyone to my son so soon. Well I have every other weekend, every Thursday and every other Sunday off . My son's at his fathers. I thought that he should want to spend time with me on my off days but he didn't one day and I got mad. And we haven't spoke since. Should I call him and try to fix it? He said that the whole set days thing and always being on my terms wasn't fair. Please advise. I miss him.
VictorM's advice:
If you miss him, yeah, call him.
I can understand you wanting to protect your son, but I can also understand him getting frustrated by the set schedule and limited time with you. Really, how can you get to know each other better if you don't see each other enough?
You may want to reach some compromise where he visits you more often but you agree to keep your hands off each other in the presence of your son. Or he comes a little later at night after your son is asleep. I can understand you wanting to limit contact between them for now, but you're not just a mom; you're a single woman too. Dating is also a part of your life. The sooner your son, your ex-husband, and yourself realize that, the better. Don't look to exclude, look to balance.
I am a single mom who was dating this guy for 3 months and when we first started dating he understood that it would be part time until we get to know each other better because I didn't want to introduce anyone to my son so soon. Well I have every other weekend, every Thursday and every other Sunday off . My son's at his fathers. I thought that he should want to spend time with me on my off days but he didn't one day and I got mad. And we haven't spoke since. Should I call him and try to fix it? He said that the whole set days thing and always being on my terms wasn't fair. Please advise. I miss him.
VictorM's advice:
If you miss him, yeah, call him.
I can understand you wanting to protect your son, but I can also understand him getting frustrated by the set schedule and limited time with you. Really, how can you get to know each other better if you don't see each other enough?
You may want to reach some compromise where he visits you more often but you agree to keep your hands off each other in the presence of your son. Or he comes a little later at night after your son is asleep. I can understand you wanting to limit contact between them for now, but you're not just a mom; you're a single woman too. Dating is also a part of your life. The sooner your son, your ex-husband, and yourself realize that, the better. Don't look to exclude, look to balance.
Walnut
Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:
I can't sleep tonight. (ex)boyfriend went out with my best friend tonight. They didn't explain anything to me before they went out. I rang up him a couple of times 30minutes and 45minutes later. He didn't pick up the phone. It's near 11pm, no one came back and he didn't ring me back. Imagine, if I do need help, this will be what happen to baby and me. I am really upset and can't stop my tears. I try to convince myself that we broke up. I need to accept the fact that he move on. It's so hard that this just happened in my own home, a broken home. I didn't explain much about this female friend last time. She told me in the weekend that my problem relationship affected her living in the house and she pissed me. Since that, we didn't really stay comfortable with each other. I did try to make the situation better for the past few days. But tonight... Staying in the house and seeing them talking, laughing and going out together is very hard for me. Perhaps I move out would make things better for three of us. I move to new place and meet new flatmates maybe better for me. If I ever have a friend in this country that I can stay with tonight, I had already run to there! Victor, thank you for your previous advice on staying. But I don't know how to work on my happiness when seeing this happen and the future... who know how far/fast they will go...
VictorM's advice:
I still think that the birth of the child may change his mind, but who knows, maybe it's more wishful thinking than a real possibility. Given the conditions you describe, and if you can find a safe place to stay, you should move out. If staying is making you that unhappy, a change may be in order.
Oh, and that friend of yours is a jerk.
I can't sleep tonight. (ex)boyfriend went out with my best friend tonight. They didn't explain anything to me before they went out. I rang up him a couple of times 30minutes and 45minutes later. He didn't pick up the phone. It's near 11pm, no one came back and he didn't ring me back. Imagine, if I do need help, this will be what happen to baby and me. I am really upset and can't stop my tears. I try to convince myself that we broke up. I need to accept the fact that he move on. It's so hard that this just happened in my own home, a broken home. I didn't explain much about this female friend last time. She told me in the weekend that my problem relationship affected her living in the house and she pissed me. Since that, we didn't really stay comfortable with each other. I did try to make the situation better for the past few days. But tonight... Staying in the house and seeing them talking, laughing and going out together is very hard for me. Perhaps I move out would make things better for three of us. I move to new place and meet new flatmates maybe better for me. If I ever have a friend in this country that I can stay with tonight, I had already run to there! Victor, thank you for your previous advice on staying. But I don't know how to work on my happiness when seeing this happen and the future... who know how far/fast they will go...
VictorM's advice:
I still think that the birth of the child may change his mind, but who knows, maybe it's more wishful thinking than a real possibility. Given the conditions you describe, and if you can find a safe place to stay, you should move out. If staying is making you that unhappy, a change may be in order.
Oh, and that friend of yours is a jerk.
I randomly called an old friend from high school
Anne, 20, from Boston, asks:
I randomly called an old friend from high school when I realized I was transferring to the college he attends, and he invited me to come and hang out one weekend night. Needless to say we ended up having a few too many drinks and had sex. We saw each two other times, one of which resulted in another hookup. It has been about a month since we have seen each other, yet he still IM's, and texts all the time and gives me the occasional call, but no invite to hang out. Why is he talking to me all the time if he doesn't want to see me? I have put forth obvious hints that I want to hang out, yet he doesn't seem to pick up on them. I know he is shy when it comes to social situations, I am interested but I don't know what to do now.
VictorM's advice:
I can see him not asking you to hang out fearing coming across as only wanting you for sex. But it seems that he likes you for more than just that.
I say stop with the hints (guys can be very dense about hints anyway) and invite him yourself.
I randomly called an old friend from high school when I realized I was transferring to the college he attends, and he invited me to come and hang out one weekend night. Needless to say we ended up having a few too many drinks and had sex. We saw each two other times, one of which resulted in another hookup. It has been about a month since we have seen each other, yet he still IM's, and texts all the time and gives me the occasional call, but no invite to hang out. Why is he talking to me all the time if he doesn't want to see me? I have put forth obvious hints that I want to hang out, yet he doesn't seem to pick up on them. I know he is shy when it comes to social situations, I am interested but I don't know what to do now.
VictorM's advice:
I can see him not asking you to hang out fearing coming across as only wanting you for sex. But it seems that he likes you for more than just that.
I say stop with the hints (guys can be very dense about hints anyway) and invite him yourself.
Just a small comment...
I don't know if someone somewhere is giving away free doughnuts for submitting a question to this site, but I've gotten flooded with questions in the last few days. I have quite a few questions on file and will get to them all but it may take 2 or 3 days for you to see an answer to your question.
To Tracy from Tennessee: I have your question and will address it shortly. I have lots to say about that topic, so it may take me a day or two to reply, but please do check back. You really have nothing to worry about, but I will explain in detail why I say this.
To Tracy from Tennessee: I have your question and will address it shortly. I have lots to say about that topic, so it may take me a day or two to reply, but please do check back. You really have nothing to worry about, but I will explain in detail why I say this.
I'm scared of rejection
Anonymous from Brooklyn Sims, asks:
There's this one guy at my school. I had a crush on him three times. And I now I'm crushing on him again. His name is Zachary. We're kind of good friends but I don't know him that well. I don't know how to tell him I like him face to face, ask him out to the movies, or ask if he wants to date and be together ( boyfriend and girlfriend ). I'm also scared of rejection. There's been so many guys that have said no or just didn't want to date me because I'm either too UGLY or I'm just A STUPID BLONDE. AND I REALLY....REALLY....REALLY.... like him a-lot. So PLEASE help me!
VictorM's advice:
Do not tell him you like him. Do not asking him about being boyfriend/girlfriend. Do not ask him on a date. What I suggest you do is mention things that will lead him to ask you out as friends at first, but you can go from there. For example, instead of inviting him to go see the movie Pirates of the Caribbean (because if you do and he says no you'll feel rejection) what you do is say: "I really want to see Pirates of the Caribbean but I really don't want to go alone." Now, if he says, "I'll go with you", great, you got yourself his company! If he doesn't say anything, there's no rejection because you never asked.
There's this one guy at my school. I had a crush on him three times. And I now I'm crushing on him again. His name is Zachary. We're kind of good friends but I don't know him that well. I don't know how to tell him I like him face to face, ask him out to the movies, or ask if he wants to date and be together ( boyfriend and girlfriend ). I'm also scared of rejection. There's been so many guys that have said no or just didn't want to date me because I'm either too UGLY or I'm just A STUPID BLONDE. AND I REALLY....REALLY....REALLY.... like him a-lot. So PLEASE help me!
VictorM's advice:
Do not tell him you like him. Do not asking him about being boyfriend/girlfriend. Do not ask him on a date. What I suggest you do is mention things that will lead him to ask you out as friends at first, but you can go from there. For example, instead of inviting him to go see the movie Pirates of the Caribbean (because if you do and he says no you'll feel rejection) what you do is say: "I really want to see Pirates of the Caribbean but I really don't want to go alone." Now, if he says, "I'll go with you", great, you got yourself his company! If he doesn't say anything, there's no rejection because you never asked.
I wanna be able to socialize with any guy
Alia, 21, from Washingtondc, asks:
How do I talk to a guy without feeling so nervous? It's like if a cute guy approaches me I kinda lose breath, and this can't be attractive. What is the best way to come off as cool and confident in any situation (on a date, etc). Should I say as few words as possible? I wanna be able to socialize with any guy.
VictorM's advice:
Being shy as you describe can be very debilitating. But you can slowly work on it to change your behavior. The most important thing is to accept that you're not going to change overnight. So you should be looking for small little victories. Little acts of courage that slowly but surely builds up your level of trust.
First try small things that don't require words. If you see a cute guy, or if one approaches, train yourself to smile. Just a smile. Then, work on holding a stare a couple seconds longer than you normaly would. Then learn to use simple things that makes a guy do most of the talking. Things like "tell me more about it". For example, if a guy mentions some movie he saw, say "tell me more about it"... this will get him to talk. While he's talking what do you do? You smile, you gaze at him (because you've practiced doing it) but he's carrying most of the weight. Other such expressions that lead the guy to talk are things like... what makes you say that? Why do you think so? Explain that to me. Etc.
You need to realize that the guy is most likely as nervous and as shy as you. He's probably hoping that you carry on the conversation. So don't be afraid to talk about things you are comfortable talking about. If you're not sure if he's interested, learn to do use self-deprecating humor, like... "is this boring you?" "Don't get me started on [topic] or I'll never stop." "I'm warning you, I can talk non-stop about [topic]" "Am I dazzling you with the nutty stuff I know?". If you can laugh at yourself, you'll see how much easier it all becomes.
Don't expect to become the life of the party overnight. Take small steps. With each step forward, the next one becomes easier.
Tags: shyness, shy around guys, nervous around guys
How do I talk to a guy without feeling so nervous? It's like if a cute guy approaches me I kinda lose breath, and this can't be attractive. What is the best way to come off as cool and confident in any situation (on a date, etc). Should I say as few words as possible? I wanna be able to socialize with any guy.
VictorM's advice:
Being shy as you describe can be very debilitating. But you can slowly work on it to change your behavior. The most important thing is to accept that you're not going to change overnight. So you should be looking for small little victories. Little acts of courage that slowly but surely builds up your level of trust.
First try small things that don't require words. If you see a cute guy, or if one approaches, train yourself to smile. Just a smile. Then, work on holding a stare a couple seconds longer than you normaly would. Then learn to use simple things that makes a guy do most of the talking. Things like "tell me more about it". For example, if a guy mentions some movie he saw, say "tell me more about it"... this will get him to talk. While he's talking what do you do? You smile, you gaze at him (because you've practiced doing it) but he's carrying most of the weight. Other such expressions that lead the guy to talk are things like... what makes you say that? Why do you think so? Explain that to me. Etc.
You need to realize that the guy is most likely as nervous and as shy as you. He's probably hoping that you carry on the conversation. So don't be afraid to talk about things you are comfortable talking about. If you're not sure if he's interested, learn to do use self-deprecating humor, like... "is this boring you?" "Don't get me started on [topic] or I'll never stop." "I'm warning you, I can talk non-stop about [topic]" "Am I dazzling you with the nutty stuff I know?". If you can laugh at yourself, you'll see how much easier it all becomes.
Don't expect to become the life of the party overnight. Take small steps. With each step forward, the next one becomes easier.
Tags: shyness, shy around guys, nervous around guys
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
I went out with a guy I met in college
marie, 24, from georgia, asks:
Last week I went out with a guy I had met in college. We tried dating then, didn't work. A couple years later we ran into each other and went out a few times, he quit calling. Two weeks ago I sent him an email (a year after the last time we had seen each other), he apologized for the immature way he acted last summer and asked to take me out. We went to dinner, a lounge after and hungout all night talking. Easily one of the best nights I've had in a long time. He told me that a few times too. The next morning he said, "I can't tell you the last time I was actually able to go to sleep holding someone, why couldn't we have done this sooner"... and so on. I do believe there is something there, we both always have. Here is the kicker.. he leaves Friday for a job in Arizona... What do you think? You're a guy, haha.
VictorM's answer:
It's not often you see these two sentences together: "What do you think? You're a guy." :)
Besides thinking that the timing sucks, I'm not sure what you're asking me. So I'll offer some random thoughts and if they don't answer what you have in mind, write back.
Did him knowing that he was going away make it easier to enjoy your intimate company? It's possible. But I'm not much of a cynic and I don't think guys generally are the evil planners girls think. Guys generally live in the now. So basically, he enjoyed your company, you enjoyed his, and the night turned out wonderful. He probably had no thoughts other than living in the moment.
These days, with the internet, phones, and relatively affordable travel (depending on your incomes), staying in touch and visiting each other is not a major effort, but it can be a drag. Long distance relationships can work, but most often, they do not.
Maybe all you'll have for a while is a nice memory. But ours is an ever shrinking world. Serendipity lurks at every corner. You have bumped into each other over time. Who knows... maybe you'll find a great job in Arizona too (if you do, buy lots and lots of sunblock!) Oh, and look him up.
Last week I went out with a guy I had met in college. We tried dating then, didn't work. A couple years later we ran into each other and went out a few times, he quit calling. Two weeks ago I sent him an email (a year after the last time we had seen each other), he apologized for the immature way he acted last summer and asked to take me out. We went to dinner, a lounge after and hungout all night talking. Easily one of the best nights I've had in a long time. He told me that a few times too. The next morning he said, "I can't tell you the last time I was actually able to go to sleep holding someone, why couldn't we have done this sooner"... and so on. I do believe there is something there, we both always have. Here is the kicker.. he leaves Friday for a job in Arizona... What do you think? You're a guy, haha.
VictorM's answer:
It's not often you see these two sentences together: "What do you think? You're a guy." :)
Besides thinking that the timing sucks, I'm not sure what you're asking me. So I'll offer some random thoughts and if they don't answer what you have in mind, write back.
Did him knowing that he was going away make it easier to enjoy your intimate company? It's possible. But I'm not much of a cynic and I don't think guys generally are the evil planners girls think. Guys generally live in the now. So basically, he enjoyed your company, you enjoyed his, and the night turned out wonderful. He probably had no thoughts other than living in the moment.
These days, with the internet, phones, and relatively affordable travel (depending on your incomes), staying in touch and visiting each other is not a major effort, but it can be a drag. Long distance relationships can work, but most often, they do not.
Maybe all you'll have for a while is a nice memory. But ours is an ever shrinking world. Serendipity lurks at every corner. You have bumped into each other over time. Who knows... maybe you'll find a great job in Arizona too (if you do, buy lots and lots of sunblock!) Oh, and look him up.
We are both not into the whole bar thing
Tanna, 28, from Canada, asks:
This guy that I started talking to and that I know we are both interested in each other because we have had talks, is 27. We are both not into the whole bar thing, we pretty much watch movies, do the whole bonfire thing with friends, he always stares at me and when I ask him about it he tells me that he was looking at something else. I went over to his house one night and I was the only female there. We all played pool and sat around and drank. He was teasing me the whole night like not moving when I need to take a shot and doing the whole pillow throw at me, and just staring and I have caught him doing that. His cousin was like "you two going out?" and I said no. Then his friend Jeff said to me: "are you and Joe going out?" and I said no. Then Jeff said to Joe: "why are you not going out with her? She is cute." Then today Joe was asking me what Jeff was talking to me about. It's kinda a weird thing, I know, but I need to know if he really likes me or if he just wants to be good friends.
VictorM's advice:
He likes you but he's not ready to ask you out. Not yet anyway. It's not unusual. Guys tend to prefer to stay informal longer than girls do. A friendship that slowly evolves into a relationship has a better chance of survival than one built on the high energy of initial lust.
PS. I'm stunned... two Canadians not into the bar thing. What is this world coming to? :)
This guy that I started talking to and that I know we are both interested in each other because we have had talks, is 27. We are both not into the whole bar thing, we pretty much watch movies, do the whole bonfire thing with friends, he always stares at me and when I ask him about it he tells me that he was looking at something else. I went over to his house one night and I was the only female there. We all played pool and sat around and drank. He was teasing me the whole night like not moving when I need to take a shot and doing the whole pillow throw at me, and just staring and I have caught him doing that. His cousin was like "you two going out?" and I said no. Then his friend Jeff said to me: "are you and Joe going out?" and I said no. Then Jeff said to Joe: "why are you not going out with her? She is cute." Then today Joe was asking me what Jeff was talking to me about. It's kinda a weird thing, I know, but I need to know if he really likes me or if he just wants to be good friends.
VictorM's advice:
He likes you but he's not ready to ask you out. Not yet anyway. It's not unusual. Guys tend to prefer to stay informal longer than girls do. A friendship that slowly evolves into a relationship has a better chance of survival than one built on the high energy of initial lust.
PS. I'm stunned... two Canadians not into the bar thing. What is this world coming to? :)
I started dating this guy who is getting divorced
dawn, 34, from lancaster, asks:
I started dating this guy who is getting divorced, and everything was going great, until she started calling him and texting him. Now he's confused about who to be with. Because he tells me he's still in love with his soon to be ex-wife. I don't know what to do. We still talk but I want to be with him, and I was wondering how to win him back or win his heart over. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
These periods of confusion soon after a break-up are normal. You're lucky he's being honest with you about his feelings for her. It's very hard for you to compete if he has feelings for her. Chances are he really wants to give it another try and unless he does, she'll always dominate his mind.
The best you can do is say that you want to be with him. Reinforce your commitment to the relationship. Give him some time to mull the whole thing over. During that time, continue to be as good to him as you have always been. It may not be enough to change his mind, but if he's bent on giving her another try, there's not much you can do. He may need to get that out of his system if you and him are going to have a chance down the road.
I'm not suggesting you roll-over and play dead, but you should be aware of the probabilities. And they aren't in your favor. But they also aren't in his favor; more likely than not, his relationship with her is doomed anyway, he just doesn't know it yet.
I started dating this guy who is getting divorced, and everything was going great, until she started calling him and texting him. Now he's confused about who to be with. Because he tells me he's still in love with his soon to be ex-wife. I don't know what to do. We still talk but I want to be with him, and I was wondering how to win him back or win his heart over. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
These periods of confusion soon after a break-up are normal. You're lucky he's being honest with you about his feelings for her. It's very hard for you to compete if he has feelings for her. Chances are he really wants to give it another try and unless he does, she'll always dominate his mind.
The best you can do is say that you want to be with him. Reinforce your commitment to the relationship. Give him some time to mull the whole thing over. During that time, continue to be as good to him as you have always been. It may not be enough to change his mind, but if he's bent on giving her another try, there's not much you can do. He may need to get that out of his system if you and him are going to have a chance down the road.
I'm not suggesting you roll-over and play dead, but you should be aware of the probabilities. And they aren't in your favor. But they also aren't in his favor; more likely than not, his relationship with her is doomed anyway, he just doesn't know it yet.
I'm glad we're friends
Daisy, 16, from Kentucky, asks:
Hey. Ok so I met this guy awhile ago. We use to be in some of the same classes together, but then he moved. One day I was out with my friend and he came up to me and asked if I remembered him, and we would talk EVERY day (even thought he had a girlfriend). I finally told him that I didn't want to be the reason they would break up so we just started acting like friends. And any time we would talk about anything sexual, he would hint at me that he wanted some but then he'd be like... I'm glad we're FRIENDS. Now him and his girl have broken up. So I told him how I felt, and he said "I really only like you as a friend right now. I don't know that I want to get into another relationship right now." When I asked if we might down the road go out... ever... he said "I dunno that's the future." I'm confused. Does he still like me?? I don't want to just be friends.
VictorM's answer:
Daisy, I think the boy has been rather clear all along: he just wants to be friends.
Telling him you didn't want to be the cause of a break-up was good; telling him how you felt about him wasn't so smart. Why? Because now he knows he can have you at anytime, so the mystery is gone. He's now looking to see what other fish are out in the ocean. That's just the way most boys are. He probably still likes you but why should he rush?
If you want to be more than just friends, start being a little less of a friend. Make yourself scarce and show less interest in him. That's your best chance to get him interested in you.
Tags: dating advice, just friends
Hey. Ok so I met this guy awhile ago. We use to be in some of the same classes together, but then he moved. One day I was out with my friend and he came up to me and asked if I remembered him, and we would talk EVERY day (even thought he had a girlfriend). I finally told him that I didn't want to be the reason they would break up so we just started acting like friends. And any time we would talk about anything sexual, he would hint at me that he wanted some but then he'd be like... I'm glad we're FRIENDS. Now him and his girl have broken up. So I told him how I felt, and he said "I really only like you as a friend right now. I don't know that I want to get into another relationship right now." When I asked if we might down the road go out... ever... he said "I dunno that's the future." I'm confused. Does he still like me?? I don't want to just be friends.
VictorM's answer:
Daisy, I think the boy has been rather clear all along: he just wants to be friends.
Telling him you didn't want to be the cause of a break-up was good; telling him how you felt about him wasn't so smart. Why? Because now he knows he can have you at anytime, so the mystery is gone. He's now looking to see what other fish are out in the ocean. That's just the way most boys are. He probably still likes you but why should he rush?
If you want to be more than just friends, start being a little less of a friend. Make yourself scarce and show less interest in him. That's your best chance to get him interested in you.
Tags: dating advice, just friends
Sometimes he treats me like crap
kelby, 13, from galax, asks:
Me and my boyfriend are perfect most of the time but sometimes he treats me like crap and is a real jerk. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Don't let him get away with it. You don't have to fight and make a scene, but boys are like puppies -- they need to be trained.
Next time he treats you in a way you don't like, say so. Choose a quiet moment (if you got angry, wait till you cool off) and then tell him that he did or said something that hurt your feelings. If he says he was only joking or didn't mean to hurt you, say: "Maybe so, but I'm hurt. Please don't do that again."
Most guys will try harder if they're told nicely and firmly rather than being yelled at. If he gives you a "well, tough" attitude after you ask him nicely to stop, you may just be dating a defective unit and looking for a replacement may be in order.
Whatever you do, just don't let him get away with it. Remember... train him like a puppy.
Me and my boyfriend are perfect most of the time but sometimes he treats me like crap and is a real jerk. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Don't let him get away with it. You don't have to fight and make a scene, but boys are like puppies -- they need to be trained.
Next time he treats you in a way you don't like, say so. Choose a quiet moment (if you got angry, wait till you cool off) and then tell him that he did or said something that hurt your feelings. If he says he was only joking or didn't mean to hurt you, say: "Maybe so, but I'm hurt. Please don't do that again."
Most guys will try harder if they're told nicely and firmly rather than being yelled at. If he gives you a "well, tough" attitude after you ask him nicely to stop, you may just be dating a defective unit and looking for a replacement may be in order.
Whatever you do, just don't let him get away with it. Remember... train him like a puppy.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Bam! We hit it off like right away
monica, 21, from chigago, asks:
I meet this guy through mutual friends. It wasn't planned and I wasn't looking for anything or even thought anything of him but bam we hit it off like right away. He took me home that day and he asked for my number so I gave it to him and 2 days went bye and I called him. Ever since then we were like I don't know how to explain it his best friend so happens to be my best friend's boyfriend and he told both of them that he feels like he has known me forever and that I was an awesome girl. Granted, I have only known him a month but he has treated me better in that short month then anyone I had ever been involved with. Well, about right after a month after we met he got a call from his recruiter for the army he had tried to join about a year ago but he was too heavy and was told he needed to lose some weight so he was like eh whatever but this time he was asked to come in and try again so he did and made it. And he told me that he had always wanted to and when I asked him where we stand at he told me that he will be gone to bootcamp for 19 weeks then when he comes home he will be here for only 2 weeks then after that he will be gone to where ever they send him for a year or longer and that we didn't really have enough time together for it to be logical for him to ask me to wait and I respect that and knew that this is probably the right thing. And he has told his whole family how he feels about me and all my friends that it was real but for some reason after that day he got very distant and never really called except like twice and was really short with me after he asked for my address. So I went to his best friend and asked if he knew why he was being weird and he said that's because he really was starting to fall for me but realized he really wanted the army thing to and he would rather avoid you or be short with so that I won't get any more attached and be more upset and just to let it go which he made a comment before saying you will thank me later when I asked why he didn't want me to wait for him. We were sexually involved but I really don't feel like it was all just about a guy getting laid because I really feel it was real and he was sincere but at the same time I have been through so many kinds of relationships where it's always casual and never gets to that dating point but with him they way he was with me I knew if things were different we would be together. I just wanted your advice and opinion on if you think he is full of shit or if it's actually possible that he is being the logical and smart one out of the two haha because I have 2 opinions from everyone. His family says he is right but others say pfft he was going into the army and knew he wouldn't be getting laid anymore and straight up used you... ahh what do you think? thanks ..monica
VictorM's answer:
It really sounds to me like he was seriously into you, that is intentions for you were genuine, and that now he's being the smart, logical one. I believe he didn't expect to be back so soon in the army. Anyone reading the news these days knows that under current needs, the military has lowered many standards, weight is quite likely one of them. So that part of his story makes sense.
He is doing both the smart and honorable thing. Knowing he's going away for long periods of time and possibly to dangerous situations he's looking out for you by not tangling you up in his life at this time. It's also smarter for him because he can better focus on what he needs to do if he's not wondering what you're up to. I'm sure it's not easy for him, but he seems strong willed and determined.
I meet this guy through mutual friends. It wasn't planned and I wasn't looking for anything or even thought anything of him but bam we hit it off like right away. He took me home that day and he asked for my number so I gave it to him and 2 days went bye and I called him. Ever since then we were like I don't know how to explain it his best friend so happens to be my best friend's boyfriend and he told both of them that he feels like he has known me forever and that I was an awesome girl. Granted, I have only known him a month but he has treated me better in that short month then anyone I had ever been involved with. Well, about right after a month after we met he got a call from his recruiter for the army he had tried to join about a year ago but he was too heavy and was told he needed to lose some weight so he was like eh whatever but this time he was asked to come in and try again so he did and made it. And he told me that he had always wanted to and when I asked him where we stand at he told me that he will be gone to bootcamp for 19 weeks then when he comes home he will be here for only 2 weeks then after that he will be gone to where ever they send him for a year or longer and that we didn't really have enough time together for it to be logical for him to ask me to wait and I respect that and knew that this is probably the right thing. And he has told his whole family how he feels about me and all my friends that it was real but for some reason after that day he got very distant and never really called except like twice and was really short with me after he asked for my address. So I went to his best friend and asked if he knew why he was being weird and he said that's because he really was starting to fall for me but realized he really wanted the army thing to and he would rather avoid you or be short with so that I won't get any more attached and be more upset and just to let it go which he made a comment before saying you will thank me later when I asked why he didn't want me to wait for him. We were sexually involved but I really don't feel like it was all just about a guy getting laid because I really feel it was real and he was sincere but at the same time I have been through so many kinds of relationships where it's always casual and never gets to that dating point but with him they way he was with me I knew if things were different we would be together. I just wanted your advice and opinion on if you think he is full of shit or if it's actually possible that he is being the logical and smart one out of the two haha because I have 2 opinions from everyone. His family says he is right but others say pfft he was going into the army and knew he wouldn't be getting laid anymore and straight up used you... ahh what do you think? thanks ..monica
VictorM's answer:
It really sounds to me like he was seriously into you, that is intentions for you were genuine, and that now he's being the smart, logical one. I believe he didn't expect to be back so soon in the army. Anyone reading the news these days knows that under current needs, the military has lowered many standards, weight is quite likely one of them. So that part of his story makes sense.
He is doing both the smart and honorable thing. Knowing he's going away for long periods of time and possibly to dangerous situations he's looking out for you by not tangling you up in his life at this time. It's also smarter for him because he can better focus on what he needs to do if he's not wondering what you're up to. I'm sure it's not easy for him, but he seems strong willed and determined.
Fiance still seeing his ex-girlfriend
Allie, 36, from New York, asks:
I just found out the guy I was/am engaged to was still talking to and seeing his ex girlfriend. We dated and known each other for 1.5 years, they have known each other for 5 years and have been "broken up" for over 3.
Most of the 1.5 years we have been together he was in contact with her. They slept together only once but he asked to see her 9 times. She called off the fling about 3 months before we got engaged but he still did things to get her attention. Even after we were engaged he did things to get her attention when she said she wouldn't talk to him since he was engaged.
She told him she would tell me everything and he never asked her not to. He even told her to tell me if she felt she needed to tell me to do so but to just leave my parents out of it. I know all this because she sent me over 300 pages of email strings that they exchanged while he and I have been together. He kept her a total secret.
I wonder if he still has feelings for her but only asked to marry me since we dated for over a year and he had traumatic things happen in his life lately that would trigger something like an engagement. His mom died, his ex-wife (not same girl as above) is marrying the guy she left him for, and he turned 40.
Help me understand
VictorM's advice:
The reason for being engaged to you is simple: he's trying to get to his ex. Pure and simple. This has nothing to do with traumatic experiences and nothing to do with his mom's death. He's trying to get a reaction from her because she's all that matters to him and he's using you to do it.
Say goodbye to him.
I just found out the guy I was/am engaged to was still talking to and seeing his ex girlfriend. We dated and known each other for 1.5 years, they have known each other for 5 years and have been "broken up" for over 3.
Most of the 1.5 years we have been together he was in contact with her. They slept together only once but he asked to see her 9 times. She called off the fling about 3 months before we got engaged but he still did things to get her attention. Even after we were engaged he did things to get her attention when she said she wouldn't talk to him since he was engaged.
She told him she would tell me everything and he never asked her not to. He even told her to tell me if she felt she needed to tell me to do so but to just leave my parents out of it. I know all this because she sent me over 300 pages of email strings that they exchanged while he and I have been together. He kept her a total secret.
I wonder if he still has feelings for her but only asked to marry me since we dated for over a year and he had traumatic things happen in his life lately that would trigger something like an engagement. His mom died, his ex-wife (not same girl as above) is marrying the guy she left him for, and he turned 40.
Help me understand
VictorM's advice:
The reason for being engaged to you is simple: he's trying to get to his ex. Pure and simple. This has nothing to do with traumatic experiences and nothing to do with his mom's death. He's trying to get a reaction from her because she's all that matters to him and he's using you to do it.
Say goodbye to him.
I have never actually had the guts to talk to him in person
confusedgirl, 14, from mylilconfusingworld, asks:
Ok, there's this guy I like and I'm not sure if he likes me back. I'm in year 10. I used to text him for about half a year, but then he stopped texting me back, although I have never actually had the guts to talk to him in person. At parties he comes over to me and my friends and starts dancing and he STARES at me loads, once on my friend's website someone put 'Go out with me coz I luv it wen u call my name' and he had sung a song with those words in it really loud when he walked past me earlier that day. So does he like me? I can't tell!
VictorM's answer:
Yeah, he likes you. Now what? You still don't have the guts to talk to you, and neither does he. Give the guy a break -- smile at him, encourage him to talk to you. And if he talks to you... TALK BACK!
Ok, there's this guy I like and I'm not sure if he likes me back. I'm in year 10. I used to text him for about half a year, but then he stopped texting me back, although I have never actually had the guts to talk to him in person. At parties he comes over to me and my friends and starts dancing and he STARES at me loads, once on my friend's website someone put 'Go out with me coz I luv it wen u call my name' and he had sung a song with those words in it really loud when he walked past me earlier that day. So does he like me? I can't tell!
VictorM's answer:
Yeah, he likes you. Now what? You still don't have the guts to talk to you, and neither does he. Give the guy a break -- smile at him, encourage him to talk to you. And if he talks to you... TALK BACK!
We flirted all weekend
a girl, 17, from Fl, asks:
I have a guy friend and he was at our house this weekend visiting. I like him a lot. We flirted all weekend until one of my family members came over for a while. My brother told me that he likes her, but the thing is when she's not around he will always hold my stare and flirt with me. I think he likes me too but I can't tell who he likes more. What should I do about it?
VictorM's answer:
Chances are he doesn't like one of you girls any more than the other. He probably likes both of you and maybe many other girls too. It's natural for his age.
What you should do is continue to flirt and have a fun time with him. Eventually, he's going to fall for someone, most likely the one who makes him feel better about himself.
I have a guy friend and he was at our house this weekend visiting. I like him a lot. We flirted all weekend until one of my family members came over for a while. My brother told me that he likes her, but the thing is when she's not around he will always hold my stare and flirt with me. I think he likes me too but I can't tell who he likes more. What should I do about it?
VictorM's answer:
Chances are he doesn't like one of you girls any more than the other. He probably likes both of you and maybe many other girls too. It's natural for his age.
What you should do is continue to flirt and have a fun time with him. Eventually, he's going to fall for someone, most likely the one who makes him feel better about himself.
How to make him love me
jenny, 12, from ca, asks:
How to make the boy I love love me back?
VictorM's advice:
Grow boobs.
(Just kidding, Jenny)
Whether you're 12, 22, or 52, it's all the same: make the boy feel very good about himself when he's with you. Make him feel smart, interesting, pay him nice compliments... in general, be nice to him.
There's no guarantee he will fall in love with you, but he will surely try to.
How to make the boy I love love me back?
VictorM's advice:
Grow boobs.
(Just kidding, Jenny)
Whether you're 12, 22, or 52, it's all the same: make the boy feel very good about himself when he's with you. Make him feel smart, interesting, pay him nice compliments... in general, be nice to him.
There's no guarantee he will fall in love with you, but he will surely try to.
Anna and her teacher
Anna, 28, from London, asks:
Hi Victor, it’s Anna from London. I need more advice about my economics professor. I find his behaviour puzzling. A friend said he’s just really shy, but he doesn’t seem shy in class and is generally friendly and chatty with students. I really like this man, but I need a guy’s opinion of what’s going on in his head. Last week, we both attended a college social function with about 70 other people. I was already in the hall when I saw him walk in. I thought he saw me, though I was about 20 feet away. I smiled but he acted like he didn’t see me and walked over to the other side of the hall. I stayed where I was and a class friend and her husband came over and we chatted. A waiter came up to us with a tray of food, and I served myself a plate of it. When I look up, I get a surprise, as there’s my teacher, who’s appeared out of nowhere, now with our little group. He’s standing next to my friend and he starts chatting with her. She introduces her husband to him and they shake hands. I was standing right next to her husband but at no point did my teacher look at or acknowledge me in any way. I was going to say hello to him, but after shaking hands he just left and walked away to another part of the hall. I was dumbfounded. About 15 minutes later, I was talking to a class friend who wanted my email address. I reached around into my handbag, which was over my shoulder to find a pen, and I noticed out the corner of my eye that my teacher was standing about 12 feet behind me. I wrote down my address and when I looked up, there was my teacher standing at the food table about 12 feet in front of me! He picks at some food then turns and walks towards my friend and me. When he gets level with me, I say hi to him, but he looks straight ahead and completely ignores me and walks past. This made me angry and hurt. A friend says this is just shyness. What’s your take on this Victor?
VictorM's take:
Anna, Anna, Anna... read my lips: THE TEACHER IS MADLY INFATUATED WITH YOU.
The biggest sign of this infatuation? His avoidance of you. Why would he avoid one of his students unless he is terrified that someone will connect the two of you somehow? If rumors were to start about him and some other female student he can just look any accuser in the eye and deny it. He can't do that if the rumors are about you. He would stutter, blush, and fool no one. So, he avoids you at all costs. He's trying to camouflage his feelings, trying to deflect any attention those feelings might bring. Don't be mad, be sorry. The man is in agony anytime you're around. This is not shyness; it's utter and debilitating infatuation with you in a setting where he can't show it.
I told you that you have the power to torment the man and you can do it even without trying.
Hi Victor, it’s Anna from London. I need more advice about my economics professor. I find his behaviour puzzling. A friend said he’s just really shy, but he doesn’t seem shy in class and is generally friendly and chatty with students. I really like this man, but I need a guy’s opinion of what’s going on in his head. Last week, we both attended a college social function with about 70 other people. I was already in the hall when I saw him walk in. I thought he saw me, though I was about 20 feet away. I smiled but he acted like he didn’t see me and walked over to the other side of the hall. I stayed where I was and a class friend and her husband came over and we chatted. A waiter came up to us with a tray of food, and I served myself a plate of it. When I look up, I get a surprise, as there’s my teacher, who’s appeared out of nowhere, now with our little group. He’s standing next to my friend and he starts chatting with her. She introduces her husband to him and they shake hands. I was standing right next to her husband but at no point did my teacher look at or acknowledge me in any way. I was going to say hello to him, but after shaking hands he just left and walked away to another part of the hall. I was dumbfounded. About 15 minutes later, I was talking to a class friend who wanted my email address. I reached around into my handbag, which was over my shoulder to find a pen, and I noticed out the corner of my eye that my teacher was standing about 12 feet behind me. I wrote down my address and when I looked up, there was my teacher standing at the food table about 12 feet in front of me! He picks at some food then turns and walks towards my friend and me. When he gets level with me, I say hi to him, but he looks straight ahead and completely ignores me and walks past. This made me angry and hurt. A friend says this is just shyness. What’s your take on this Victor?
VictorM's take:
Anna, Anna, Anna... read my lips: THE TEACHER IS MADLY INFATUATED WITH YOU.
The biggest sign of this infatuation? His avoidance of you. Why would he avoid one of his students unless he is terrified that someone will connect the two of you somehow? If rumors were to start about him and some other female student he can just look any accuser in the eye and deny it. He can't do that if the rumors are about you. He would stutter, blush, and fool no one. So, he avoids you at all costs. He's trying to camouflage his feelings, trying to deflect any attention those feelings might bring. Don't be mad, be sorry. The man is in agony anytime you're around. This is not shyness; it's utter and debilitating infatuation with you in a setting where he can't show it.
I told you that you have the power to torment the man and you can do it even without trying.
I need to break up
Mable, 47, from Long Island, NY, asks:
I have been in a rocky long term relationship and want to finally end it. I've met someone new and want to pursue something with him. I still have a few involvements with my current boyfriend, mostly financial. I'm afraid he may try to sabotage my new relationship. In the past, when he was jealous of a man I dated while he and I had split up, he interfered by making phone calls to the other man. I fear he'll do the same--or worse. Meanwhile, I think he suspects I may have a new romantic interest. By the way, my current boyfriend seems to have lost interest in having a close relationship with me over the past year or so, and it's getting worse. I need to break up, but how do I do it and avoid nasty confrontations or revenge? I don't think he would cause any physical harm, but I worry that he could make trouble for the new man. Please help!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Iron out your financial dealings first. Then, break it off without mentioning a new love interest. But most importantly, inform your new guy about your current boyfriend's previous behavior. The new guy should know what to expect so that nothing is a surprise and he knows how to deal with mister pest.
But I'm bothered by one thing... your current boyfriend was a nuisance with other boyfriends you've had but yet you went back to him? I don't know the details, but your new guy should be aware of this too. He might not want to stick around. You don't seem so reliable yourself.
I have been in a rocky long term relationship and want to finally end it. I've met someone new and want to pursue something with him. I still have a few involvements with my current boyfriend, mostly financial. I'm afraid he may try to sabotage my new relationship. In the past, when he was jealous of a man I dated while he and I had split up, he interfered by making phone calls to the other man. I fear he'll do the same--or worse. Meanwhile, I think he suspects I may have a new romantic interest. By the way, my current boyfriend seems to have lost interest in having a close relationship with me over the past year or so, and it's getting worse. I need to break up, but how do I do it and avoid nasty confrontations or revenge? I don't think he would cause any physical harm, but I worry that he could make trouble for the new man. Please help!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Iron out your financial dealings first. Then, break it off without mentioning a new love interest. But most importantly, inform your new guy about your current boyfriend's previous behavior. The new guy should know what to expect so that nothing is a surprise and he knows how to deal with mister pest.
But I'm bothered by one thing... your current boyfriend was a nuisance with other boyfriends you've had but yet you went back to him? I don't know the details, but your new guy should be aware of this too. He might not want to stick around. You don't seem so reliable yourself.
Monday, May 21, 2007
We began having sex, as merely sex
Kristin, 24, Michigan, asks:
I met a guy(31) thru a friend I ran into from HS. He sent me a text mssg one day & then we started talking on the phone a lot and hanging out and a friendship was made quite easily. We began having sex, as merely sex, friends w/benefits if you will, but not "exclusive" either.
I'm getting divorced. He's in the Army Reserves, was almost just deployed to Iraq w/another unit, but his unit was able to keep him home. He's had 3 serious relationships that he'd been hurt pretty badly in (the last girlfriend was still legally married after being separated for 3 yrs & went back to her husband & said she could handle the thought of him ever leaving for Iraq.) He says he thinks "relationships aren't for him" because of his past experiences. Our friendship is quite deep, as we both disclose many things about ourselves that nobody else knows. At one point, he asked what I was thinking, noticing I was in deep thought, and I'd told him I was thinking that even tho I don't want to get involved right now, it sucked to know that nothing could ever seriously come of this. Then he said, it's not that nothing can come of this, just not right now. (He'd also said before that the next time he falls, he wants to be SURE!) A close friend of his also disclosed to me that he talks of me ALOT, admits he likes me and hasn't seen him just hang out like this w/a girl before. However, when he found out he may be deployed, he started becoming distant, which is understandable. He even said no more "benefits" so he isn't distracted in a war zone and so that we can still preserve a friendship. He also said that he told me from the beginning, he only wants to be friends. (which is why I noted his prior comment)
I think he just doesn't want to get hurt again, knows at any time could have to leave for Iraq and keeps trying to make sure I don't get too close. I see a lot of "potential" in this guy and would eventually like to pursue something more once I get my divorce finalized. What should I do now, especially since he's not going to Iraq (any time soon anyway)?
VictorM's advice:
Get your divorce and stay friends with the guy.
Look, guys say the kind of crap he's saying because it's a good defense mechanism. Does he mean it? Most likely. But will he stick by it? No. They are his rules and he can break them anytime he wants. So, don't worry about what he says. If this is the guy you want, don't let his words or fears stop you. Be the best friend (if that's all he wants now) of girlfriend (if he changes his mind) you know how to be and don't think too much about anything else.
I met a guy(31) thru a friend I ran into from HS. He sent me a text mssg one day & then we started talking on the phone a lot and hanging out and a friendship was made quite easily. We began having sex, as merely sex, friends w/benefits if you will, but not "exclusive" either.
I'm getting divorced. He's in the Army Reserves, was almost just deployed to Iraq w/another unit, but his unit was able to keep him home. He's had 3 serious relationships that he'd been hurt pretty badly in (the last girlfriend was still legally married after being separated for 3 yrs & went back to her husband & said she could handle the thought of him ever leaving for Iraq.) He says he thinks "relationships aren't for him" because of his past experiences. Our friendship is quite deep, as we both disclose many things about ourselves that nobody else knows. At one point, he asked what I was thinking, noticing I was in deep thought, and I'd told him I was thinking that even tho I don't want to get involved right now, it sucked to know that nothing could ever seriously come of this. Then he said, it's not that nothing can come of this, just not right now. (He'd also said before that the next time he falls, he wants to be SURE!) A close friend of his also disclosed to me that he talks of me ALOT, admits he likes me and hasn't seen him just hang out like this w/a girl before. However, when he found out he may be deployed, he started becoming distant, which is understandable. He even said no more "benefits" so he isn't distracted in a war zone and so that we can still preserve a friendship. He also said that he told me from the beginning, he only wants to be friends. (which is why I noted his prior comment)
I think he just doesn't want to get hurt again, knows at any time could have to leave for Iraq and keeps trying to make sure I don't get too close. I see a lot of "potential" in this guy and would eventually like to pursue something more once I get my divorce finalized. What should I do now, especially since he's not going to Iraq (any time soon anyway)?
VictorM's advice:
Get your divorce and stay friends with the guy.
Look, guys say the kind of crap he's saying because it's a good defense mechanism. Does he mean it? Most likely. But will he stick by it? No. They are his rules and he can break them anytime he wants. So, don't worry about what he says. If this is the guy you want, don't let his words or fears stop you. Be the best friend (if that's all he wants now) of girlfriend (if he changes his mind) you know how to be and don't think too much about anything else.
I don't have any experience with the guy thing
amena, 18, from toronto, ON, asks:
I recently met a guy that I really like. He asked to meet up at a coffee shop and we ended up talking for hours, I really enjoyed myself with him. Even tho he's very good looking, I feel something deeper for him. I don't have any experience with the guy thing (at all, but I think I found someone worthwhile) I'm not sure what approach to take? Why is it that girls are advised to play hard to get? Is it because guys are turned off by girls being too into them?
VictorM's answer:
Well, no one is into the guy thing until it happens. At one time or another, it's new to everyone.
Guys like challenges and conquests. Confess your attraction for the guy and you cease being a challenge or a conquest. Half the fun is over once he knows you like him. Also, lots of guys think that if a girl likes them that much without much effort on his part, maybe he can go and try his luck with some girl he never thought he had a chance with. If he fails, he can always come back to you because he knows you're a "sure thing". That's why girls should make guys work for their attention. If you become a "sure thing", you risk becoming a second banana.
The approach you take is you develop a friendship with him, and you tease him into asking you out, all the while showing some interest but not drooling over him.
I recently met a guy that I really like. He asked to meet up at a coffee shop and we ended up talking for hours, I really enjoyed myself with him. Even tho he's very good looking, I feel something deeper for him. I don't have any experience with the guy thing (at all, but I think I found someone worthwhile) I'm not sure what approach to take? Why is it that girls are advised to play hard to get? Is it because guys are turned off by girls being too into them?
VictorM's answer:
Well, no one is into the guy thing until it happens. At one time or another, it's new to everyone.
Guys like challenges and conquests. Confess your attraction for the guy and you cease being a challenge or a conquest. Half the fun is over once he knows you like him. Also, lots of guys think that if a girl likes them that much without much effort on his part, maybe he can go and try his luck with some girl he never thought he had a chance with. If he fails, he can always come back to you because he knows you're a "sure thing". That's why girls should make guys work for their attention. If you become a "sure thing", you risk becoming a second banana.
The approach you take is you develop a friendship with him, and you tease him into asking you out, all the while showing some interest but not drooling over him.
he's never really talked to me
Anonomus, asks:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a month now and this whole time he's never really talked to me. The only connection is, when we see each other, we wave and smile. Am I in a bad relationship? Or am I doing something wrong?
VictorM's answer:
You're not in a bad relationship; you're in the average 20 year old marriage. :)
How did you even become boyfriend/girlfriend? Did you write a note? Anyway, it seems your guy is a man of few words (well, no words). Next time you see him, why don't you do more than just smile and wave? Talk to him. Ask some questions: How are you? What did you do last night? How does he like [pick the name of a teacher]? Is he still being breastfed? (Pardon me, but I'm assuming you two are rather young).
You need to make a little effort to get what you want.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a month now and this whole time he's never really talked to me. The only connection is, when we see each other, we wave and smile. Am I in a bad relationship? Or am I doing something wrong?
VictorM's answer:
You're not in a bad relationship; you're in the average 20 year old marriage. :)
How did you even become boyfriend/girlfriend? Did you write a note? Anyway, it seems your guy is a man of few words (well, no words). Next time you see him, why don't you do more than just smile and wave? Talk to him. Ask some questions: How are you? What did you do last night? How does he like [pick the name of a teacher]? Is he still being breastfed? (Pardon me, but I'm assuming you two are rather young).
You need to make a little effort to get what you want.
I've had my eye on a co-worker
Melissa G, 17, from New York, New York, asks:
I have been dating my boyfriend for over two years. Right now, I am feeling like I want to see what's out there. I want to know if he really is the one for me. I am thinking about telling him that I want to go on a break to see what's out there and to find out if he really is the right guy. I've had my eye on a co-worker for awhile, he is 21, I am 17 (almost 18) and I'm worried that, first of all, he may not want to date because of my age. Secondly, he is into drinking and smoking, and goes to bars often, and I drink sometimes but can't get into bars and such. That's probably the second problem. I have made it pretty obvious that I like him, by complimenting him and putting myself out there to talk to him. For example, we had been talking over email, and he congratulated me about an accomplishment I had made. I told him that he was "so sweet, and I would be surprised if he didn't have a girlfriend because I bet girls are lining up for him," he told me that he doesn't have a girlfriend, and that he I would like to think he's got some lined up for him but he doesn't. I told him that I don't have any lining up either unfortunately, but I bet there were girls lining up for him and he didn't know it. He then proceeded to ask "hmmm..what are you trying to tell me :)" and I said something about how there are girls outside of the building waiting for him, just so that I wouldn't say that I do. Anyways, I would like to ask him to hang out, but I don't even know what he thinks about me. We talk, but it's hard to talk to him sometimes with another girl I work with and usually there is no alone time. Do you have any suggestions or ideas? I feel that if he really didn't like me, he wouldn't have been a tiny bit flirty about making it clear that he thinks I like him..wouldn't he have just said "oh, thanks" and then wouldn't write much? I'm thinking about just laying low, not writing any emails and such..but I tend to be impatient. Any ideas?? Thanks a lot, Melissa G
VictorM's advice:
Do things in the right order. First, break-up with your current boyfriend. It shouldn't matter if Mr. 21 year old is interested in you. You clearly feel to need experiment, so go ahead and do it. Being curious is fine, being a cheater, on the other hand, is not nice. After that, don't go confessing any feelings to this guy, but try to arrange situations away from work where you two can be alone. How he responds and how willing he is to be with you will be good indicators of his interest.
If the 21 year old is into bar hoping and drinking, you'd be a drag since you're under the drinking age. But, on the other hand, at 17 you're old enough for other indoor activities, if you get my meaning. He may just be interested in that. If that's what you're curious about, go for it, but if you're looking for a serious boyfriend, you'll probably be disappointed with this guy.
As to all that analysis of his chat responses, I'll just say you're thinking way too much. You can draw zero conclusions from his answer. Basically, you're on your own here. Any interest he may or may not have you'll have to find out by being more specific and direct. Guys don't do the whole little clues stuff that well.
I have been dating my boyfriend for over two years. Right now, I am feeling like I want to see what's out there. I want to know if he really is the one for me. I am thinking about telling him that I want to go on a break to see what's out there and to find out if he really is the right guy. I've had my eye on a co-worker for awhile, he is 21, I am 17 (almost 18) and I'm worried that, first of all, he may not want to date because of my age. Secondly, he is into drinking and smoking, and goes to bars often, and I drink sometimes but can't get into bars and such. That's probably the second problem. I have made it pretty obvious that I like him, by complimenting him and putting myself out there to talk to him. For example, we had been talking over email, and he congratulated me about an accomplishment I had made. I told him that he was "so sweet, and I would be surprised if he didn't have a girlfriend because I bet girls are lining up for him," he told me that he doesn't have a girlfriend, and that he I would like to think he's got some lined up for him but he doesn't. I told him that I don't have any lining up either unfortunately, but I bet there were girls lining up for him and he didn't know it. He then proceeded to ask "hmmm..what are you trying to tell me :)" and I said something about how there are girls outside of the building waiting for him, just so that I wouldn't say that I do. Anyways, I would like to ask him to hang out, but I don't even know what he thinks about me. We talk, but it's hard to talk to him sometimes with another girl I work with and usually there is no alone time. Do you have any suggestions or ideas? I feel that if he really didn't like me, he wouldn't have been a tiny bit flirty about making it clear that he thinks I like him..wouldn't he have just said "oh, thanks" and then wouldn't write much? I'm thinking about just laying low, not writing any emails and such..but I tend to be impatient. Any ideas?? Thanks a lot, Melissa G
VictorM's advice:
Do things in the right order. First, break-up with your current boyfriend. It shouldn't matter if Mr. 21 year old is interested in you. You clearly feel to need experiment, so go ahead and do it. Being curious is fine, being a cheater, on the other hand, is not nice. After that, don't go confessing any feelings to this guy, but try to arrange situations away from work where you two can be alone. How he responds and how willing he is to be with you will be good indicators of his interest.
If the 21 year old is into bar hoping and drinking, you'd be a drag since you're under the drinking age. But, on the other hand, at 17 you're old enough for other indoor activities, if you get my meaning. He may just be interested in that. If that's what you're curious about, go for it, but if you're looking for a serious boyfriend, you'll probably be disappointed with this guy.
As to all that analysis of his chat responses, I'll just say you're thinking way too much. You can draw zero conclusions from his answer. Basically, you're on your own here. Any interest he may or may not have you'll have to find out by being more specific and direct. Guys don't do the whole little clues stuff that well.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
I slept with someone that I shouldn't have
Holli, 20, from New Jersey, asks:
Several months ago, out of nowhere, I slept with someone that I shouldn't have. The cousin of my ex-boyfriend of 6 years/child's father. I have known this person forever, and actually pretty much hated him, as long as I've known him. That night, we had a little too much to drink at a friend's house, and I asked him to take me home, and we ended up sleeping together. The kisses and touches were so intense that I still have flashbacks. Afterwards, he kissed me on the forehead, put his arms around me, and spent the whole night. We really haven't talked bout it since then. Then a few weeks ago, we were once again at a friend's house, having some drinks and got to talking. He said how he doesn't regret it, but that it couldn't ever go any further because of my ex. They are pretty much like brothers. That night he asked if he could take me home, of course, I said yes, and we end up sleeping together again. I know the difference between a one-nite-stand and really being with someone on so many diff levels. The next day he broke up with his girlfriend of many, many years, but now they are already back together. They were not together the first time we slept together, and have had an on and off relationship ever since I've known them. I see him pretty routinely through other friends and local hang outs, and every time I see him, he jokes with me sexually and friendly. I feel that I'm going crazy because I can't get him out of my head, especially since I hated him for so many years. I also feel that deep down he is in love with me too, but can't come to terms because of our ex's and our situation. What in the world should I do, because at this point, I'm scared I will be in love with him for the rest of my life.
VictorM's advice:
Love and hate are very close cousins, they invoke much of the same emotions. It's not at all unusual to go from hate (dislike, probably) to love (like).
The situation with your ex is bullshit. I don't see how that would stop him from going out with you. Girls tend to have this taboo about exes, but guys not so much. It would be a problem if you left your ex for him, but if you stopped seeing the other guy for a while. I don't think that what's stopping him from dating you is your ex; I think it's how easy it was to get you in bed. Not once, but twice.
You won't be in love with him for the rest of your life. But you should call his bluff about your ex being the excuse (have him ask your ex if he would mind you two dating), or stop sleeping with the guy (actually, the more you sleep with him, the easier you make it for him to not date you).
Several months ago, out of nowhere, I slept with someone that I shouldn't have. The cousin of my ex-boyfriend of 6 years/child's father. I have known this person forever, and actually pretty much hated him, as long as I've known him. That night, we had a little too much to drink at a friend's house, and I asked him to take me home, and we ended up sleeping together. The kisses and touches were so intense that I still have flashbacks. Afterwards, he kissed me on the forehead, put his arms around me, and spent the whole night. We really haven't talked bout it since then. Then a few weeks ago, we were once again at a friend's house, having some drinks and got to talking. He said how he doesn't regret it, but that it couldn't ever go any further because of my ex. They are pretty much like brothers. That night he asked if he could take me home, of course, I said yes, and we end up sleeping together again. I know the difference between a one-nite-stand and really being with someone on so many diff levels. The next day he broke up with his girlfriend of many, many years, but now they are already back together. They were not together the first time we slept together, and have had an on and off relationship ever since I've known them. I see him pretty routinely through other friends and local hang outs, and every time I see him, he jokes with me sexually and friendly. I feel that I'm going crazy because I can't get him out of my head, especially since I hated him for so many years. I also feel that deep down he is in love with me too, but can't come to terms because of our ex's and our situation. What in the world should I do, because at this point, I'm scared I will be in love with him for the rest of my life.
VictorM's advice:
Love and hate are very close cousins, they invoke much of the same emotions. It's not at all unusual to go from hate (dislike, probably) to love (like).
The situation with your ex is bullshit. I don't see how that would stop him from going out with you. Girls tend to have this taboo about exes, but guys not so much. It would be a problem if you left your ex for him, but if you stopped seeing the other guy for a while. I don't think that what's stopping him from dating you is your ex; I think it's how easy it was to get you in bed. Not once, but twice.
You won't be in love with him for the rest of your life. But you should call his bluff about your ex being the excuse (have him ask your ex if he would mind you two dating), or stop sleeping with the guy (actually, the more you sleep with him, the easier you make it for him to not date you).
No hope for a complete family
Walnut, 28, from New Zealand asks:
It's me again, the one be broken up during pregnancy and still live in the same house with (ex)boyfriend. I told you that my friend is staying with us. She just told me that he asked her out for a couple of times around 2 weeks ago. That's the same time he came to me having sex. I am so shock about that. Is it the reason that he went back to sleep on the coach after sex? He didn't want my friend to know we were together again...A few days ago, I overheard that he was talking to the other women from internet. I have known about this, but hearing the talking, that made me even more upset. Baby will be due in 10 weeks time. I don't have family in this country. But there seems to be no hope for my relationship to be fixed. Sure, no hope for a complete family, a Daddy, a Mummy and a baby. Should I move out now? Should I ask him to move out? I don't even have all basic appliance and furniture for living by myself. It's hard to find a room that other flatmates don't mind a new born baby crying in the middle of the night...I feel like I am stuck in my no hope family dream and don't know what to do. When can I find my happiness again?
VictorM's advice:
Right now there's only one person you should be thinking about -- your baby. Make sure you do what's best for the baby. There's plenty of time for you to work on your happiness. So don't move now and don't ask him to move out. The stress of a move under your conditions would be more harmful than where you are today. And who knows, once the father sees the baby, he may feel differently about the mommy. I wouldn't hold my breath on that one, but it's possible.
It's me again, the one be broken up during pregnancy and still live in the same house with (ex)boyfriend. I told you that my friend is staying with us. She just told me that he asked her out for a couple of times around 2 weeks ago. That's the same time he came to me having sex. I am so shock about that. Is it the reason that he went back to sleep on the coach after sex? He didn't want my friend to know we were together again...A few days ago, I overheard that he was talking to the other women from internet. I have known about this, but hearing the talking, that made me even more upset. Baby will be due in 10 weeks time. I don't have family in this country. But there seems to be no hope for my relationship to be fixed. Sure, no hope for a complete family, a Daddy, a Mummy and a baby. Should I move out now? Should I ask him to move out? I don't even have all basic appliance and furniture for living by myself. It's hard to find a room that other flatmates don't mind a new born baby crying in the middle of the night...I feel like I am stuck in my no hope family dream and don't know what to do. When can I find my happiness again?
VictorM's advice:
Right now there's only one person you should be thinking about -- your baby. Make sure you do what's best for the baby. There's plenty of time for you to work on your happiness. So don't move now and don't ask him to move out. The stress of a move under your conditions would be more harmful than where you are today. And who knows, once the father sees the baby, he may feel differently about the mommy. I wouldn't hold my breath on that one, but it's possible.
I can understand why he was angry
(This Question+Answer is a follow-up to this one)
maxi, 20, from ct, asks:
VictorM! Now I don't know anymore. He called me on Wednesday, told me he'll speak to me that night at work... I said okay! We spoke and okay I can understand why he was angry and mad at me, but then he got all nasty because he had a bad day, and he was really sarcastic! Then he couldn't understand why I was upset! okay...finally sorted that out and then we got along for a day. Thursday comes and he's hanging on some girl at work (so bad that the manager came to tell me to punch him in the face and walk away). I was upset about this, so I confronted him and told him to at least be discreet since we aren't serious so it's not really any of my business... am I right??? So he asked me if I was upset about it and I told him that I was...skip a few hours later...he walks up to me, kisses me and walks away and later tells me he feels something for me... so here's my problem... why is he so mean, but every once in awhile he is so sweet??? He is always picking a fight or being sarcastic. How do I tell him it upsets me and that I feel something more than I show, for him? Why, if he does feel something for me does he sometimes act like he doesn't??? Please help me. I'm so confused and I really do like him... I guess that's why I'm eating his crap!
VictorM's advice:
OK, let's see... he's sometimes mean and sometimes sweet, he picks fights with you, he's sarcastic with you, he hangs all over another girl in front of you. Why does he do these things? Because he's either a jerk, confused by you, or a little of both.
You ask why if he feels something for you he acts like he doesn't. You should know the answer to that, because after all, you said you feel for him something more than you show. Isn't that the same thing he's doing? So, why don't you tell him how you truly feel?
If you want to try to have a normal relationship with this guy, you need to be upfront and tell him how you feel about him, how his sarcasm hurts your feelings, how him flirting with other girls bothers you. You have to be direct and honest about your feelings. Do not turn the conversation into his flaws or what he does wrong. Talk purely about your feelings.
You are a running a risk being this direct. He may realize he wants no part of a relationship with you, or he may be hearing what he wants to hear from you to deal with you more seriously. To me, either outcome is better than your current situation where you two are acting like immature 5 year-olds and just wounding each other, or as you put it, "eating his crap"... you know what they say: you are what you eat.
Tags: fighting all the time, hot and cold, relationship advice,
maxi, 20, from ct, asks:
VictorM! Now I don't know anymore. He called me on Wednesday, told me he'll speak to me that night at work... I said okay! We spoke and okay I can understand why he was angry and mad at me, but then he got all nasty because he had a bad day, and he was really sarcastic! Then he couldn't understand why I was upset! okay...finally sorted that out and then we got along for a day. Thursday comes and he's hanging on some girl at work (so bad that the manager came to tell me to punch him in the face and walk away). I was upset about this, so I confronted him and told him to at least be discreet since we aren't serious so it's not really any of my business... am I right??? So he asked me if I was upset about it and I told him that I was...skip a few hours later...he walks up to me, kisses me and walks away and later tells me he feels something for me... so here's my problem... why is he so mean, but every once in awhile he is so sweet??? He is always picking a fight or being sarcastic. How do I tell him it upsets me and that I feel something more than I show, for him? Why, if he does feel something for me does he sometimes act like he doesn't??? Please help me. I'm so confused and I really do like him... I guess that's why I'm eating his crap!
VictorM's advice:
OK, let's see... he's sometimes mean and sometimes sweet, he picks fights with you, he's sarcastic with you, he hangs all over another girl in front of you. Why does he do these things? Because he's either a jerk, confused by you, or a little of both.
You ask why if he feels something for you he acts like he doesn't. You should know the answer to that, because after all, you said you feel for him something more than you show. Isn't that the same thing he's doing? So, why don't you tell him how you truly feel?
If you want to try to have a normal relationship with this guy, you need to be upfront and tell him how you feel about him, how his sarcasm hurts your feelings, how him flirting with other girls bothers you. You have to be direct and honest about your feelings. Do not turn the conversation into his flaws or what he does wrong. Talk purely about your feelings.
You are a running a risk being this direct. He may realize he wants no part of a relationship with you, or he may be hearing what he wants to hear from you to deal with you more seriously. To me, either outcome is better than your current situation where you two are acting like immature 5 year-olds and just wounding each other, or as you put it, "eating his crap"... you know what they say: you are what you eat.
Tags: fighting all the time, hot and cold, relationship advice,
Friday, May 18, 2007
I ended up giving him a punch in the face
Anna, 23, from NJ, asks:
There was this guy I was dating, but we broke up last year. I was really devastated but of course I didn't show it. A few weeks later he started asking me out again (but not on a date, though it was only the two of us going out, and not in a group). We started hanging out a lot, seeing each other twice or thrice a week. I still had feelings for him and I really thought he wanted me back, considering how much we saw each other and how he paired the two of us in many things that we did. I confronted him about this but he said no, he just wanted to be friends. I was devastated again and a big long talk/fight ensued. We made up but a couple weeks later a bigger fight about the same topic happened and I ended up giving him a punch in the face and he swore we're so over. He didn't talk to me for a month.
After that one month I was able to convince him to talk to me again. We had a good day together, talked a bit, made up. But he wanted to distance himself a bit. Of course me, still being so attached, didn't want that. I kind of.. well.. softly demanded for the closeness.
Now here's where it gets confusing.
Why does he give in to my demands? I mean, yeah, that's great for me, right? But why would he do this? He feels bad when I'm unhappy, he always tries to make up for it if he was the one who made me unhappy, he picks me up and takes me home, etc. He said that he no longer wants us to hang out just the two of us together, but surprise, after me feeling bad about it (and pushing a bit), he gives in.
My question is, what's up with him? I know what's up with me, I'm a crazy girl who can't get over him and won't let him leave, but him? It can be two things maybe:
1) He really doesn't like me, but has no guts to tell me to get out of his life and just block my calls altogether so I'll never bother him
or
2) He does like me, but ________ (feel free to guess whatever that blank could be, because I absolutely have no idea)
A guy friend of mine said that no guy will even see a girl again if she has given him a deck in the face. That plus I fought him in front of my parents. Not unless he really loved her, he said. So what's your theory on this?
Thanks so much.
VictorM's answer:
I'll answer by filling in the blank. He does like me, but not enough to be in a relationship with me. He feels a sense of guilt for feeling this way, but he can't force himself to feel something he doesn't. Because of that sense of guilt, he can't say no to me or stay away from me as he should. It would be best for both of us if he had the balls to do it, but then again, if he had the balls the punch in the face would never have happened. I need to face the reality that my friend is wrong. This guy is not in love with me, he merely feels pity for me. And like a fool, I feed off of that pity, pretending to myself that somehow he'll fall in love with me still. He's just a nice guy that doesn't know what's good for him. I'm going to try to get over him because I'd like a man with balls in my life.
You punched the guy in the face? You're so feisty! :) And they wonder why Jersey girls are the best.
There was this guy I was dating, but we broke up last year. I was really devastated but of course I didn't show it. A few weeks later he started asking me out again (but not on a date, though it was only the two of us going out, and not in a group). We started hanging out a lot, seeing each other twice or thrice a week. I still had feelings for him and I really thought he wanted me back, considering how much we saw each other and how he paired the two of us in many things that we did. I confronted him about this but he said no, he just wanted to be friends. I was devastated again and a big long talk/fight ensued. We made up but a couple weeks later a bigger fight about the same topic happened and I ended up giving him a punch in the face and he swore we're so over. He didn't talk to me for a month.
After that one month I was able to convince him to talk to me again. We had a good day together, talked a bit, made up. But he wanted to distance himself a bit. Of course me, still being so attached, didn't want that. I kind of.. well.. softly demanded for the closeness.
Now here's where it gets confusing.
Why does he give in to my demands? I mean, yeah, that's great for me, right? But why would he do this? He feels bad when I'm unhappy, he always tries to make up for it if he was the one who made me unhappy, he picks me up and takes me home, etc. He said that he no longer wants us to hang out just the two of us together, but surprise, after me feeling bad about it (and pushing a bit), he gives in.
My question is, what's up with him? I know what's up with me, I'm a crazy girl who can't get over him and won't let him leave, but him? It can be two things maybe:
1) He really doesn't like me, but has no guts to tell me to get out of his life and just block my calls altogether so I'll never bother him
or
2) He does like me, but ________ (feel free to guess whatever that blank could be, because I absolutely have no idea)
A guy friend of mine said that no guy will even see a girl again if she has given him a deck in the face. That plus I fought him in front of my parents. Not unless he really loved her, he said. So what's your theory on this?
Thanks so much.
VictorM's answer:
I'll answer by filling in the blank. He does like me, but not enough to be in a relationship with me. He feels a sense of guilt for feeling this way, but he can't force himself to feel something he doesn't. Because of that sense of guilt, he can't say no to me or stay away from me as he should. It would be best for both of us if he had the balls to do it, but then again, if he had the balls the punch in the face would never have happened. I need to face the reality that my friend is wrong. This guy is not in love with me, he merely feels pity for me. And like a fool, I feed off of that pity, pretending to myself that somehow he'll fall in love with me still. He's just a nice guy that doesn't know what's good for him. I'm going to try to get over him because I'd like a man with balls in my life.
You punched the guy in the face? You're so feisty! :) And they wonder why Jersey girls are the best.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
We started having sex about 2 weeks ago
Theresa, 29, from Baltimore, asks:
I have this guy friend and we have been friends for a while now. We started having sex about 2 weeks ago. He picked me up Friday night from my cousin's so we could ya know. And when I said I was going to catch a cab back to my cousin's house he kinda got weird. He made a comment like yeah just use me and then leave. So I ended up staying. Saturday morning he dropped me off at my car and that is the last time I heard from him. How do I know if this is just sexual or if he wants more?
VictorM's advice:
How do you know? Easy: stop having sex and see if he sticks around.
Sounds like he was really looking forward to spending the night with you and was disappointed when you weren't planning to stay. Sounds just like a case of a mismatched expectations, that's all.
I have this guy friend and we have been friends for a while now. We started having sex about 2 weeks ago. He picked me up Friday night from my cousin's so we could ya know. And when I said I was going to catch a cab back to my cousin's house he kinda got weird. He made a comment like yeah just use me and then leave. So I ended up staying. Saturday morning he dropped me off at my car and that is the last time I heard from him. How do I know if this is just sexual or if he wants more?
VictorM's advice:
How do you know? Easy: stop having sex and see if he sticks around.
Sounds like he was really looking forward to spending the night with you and was disappointed when you weren't planning to stay. Sounds just like a case of a mismatched expectations, that's all.
Suddenly and started treating me like dirt
lindsey, 22, from glasgow, asks:
I started going out with my best friend (male) a year and a half ago. I was never attracted to him but he was so sweet, he was so gentle, kind and adored me, ran around after me and got on with my family, we got engaged but he's changed so suddenly and started treating me like dirt, he would ignore my calls and stand me up. We took a break and got back together and then it happened again. To his suprisement I broke up with him, now he's spreading rumors that I cheated on him, which I didn't and won't give me £500 that he owes me plus the engagement presents. I don't understand it.
VictorM's answer:
This kind of Jekyll and Hyde transformation is not at all uncommon. Sweet as can be under some circumstances, a real bastard under other circumstances. Lindsey, there's nothing you can do about it. It's nothing you did or said. It's just his nature. You just happened to run into one of these freaks of nature. C'est la vie.
Consider yourself lucky. You might have discovered this side of him after marriage. As it is, consider the £500 and the engagement presents a small price for saving you from the terrible future you could have had. Besides, once the dust settles, he may stop acting like such a jerk and become the sweet guy again. If that happens, get the money before you fry is testicles.
Tags: ex spreading rumors, treating me like dirt, relationship advice
I started going out with my best friend (male) a year and a half ago. I was never attracted to him but he was so sweet, he was so gentle, kind and adored me, ran around after me and got on with my family, we got engaged but he's changed so suddenly and started treating me like dirt, he would ignore my calls and stand me up. We took a break and got back together and then it happened again. To his suprisement I broke up with him, now he's spreading rumors that I cheated on him, which I didn't and won't give me £500 that he owes me plus the engagement presents. I don't understand it.
VictorM's answer:
This kind of Jekyll and Hyde transformation is not at all uncommon. Sweet as can be under some circumstances, a real bastard under other circumstances. Lindsey, there's nothing you can do about it. It's nothing you did or said. It's just his nature. You just happened to run into one of these freaks of nature. C'est la vie.
Consider yourself lucky. You might have discovered this side of him after marriage. As it is, consider the £500 and the engagement presents a small price for saving you from the terrible future you could have had. Besides, once the dust settles, he may stop acting like such a jerk and become the sweet guy again. If that happens, get the money before you fry is testicles.
Tags: ex spreading rumors, treating me like dirt, relationship advice
We had a fight yesterday
maxi, 20, from ct, asks:
I met this guy at work and we started going for drinks afterwards, then I left my boyfriend of 3 years but not for this guy. Then we got together and agreed it won't be serious, that was a month ago! Not serious meaning no commitment, seeing each other every once in awhile and not caring much about the other. Sounds good, I said to him. We had a fight yesterday and broke all ties of this weird relationship non relationship thing, but I find myself constantly thinking of him and hoping he will phone or send a message or something... what must I do?
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure the fight was your fault. Right? Yeah, I'm right. (Doesn't matter what you say; that's what he's thinking).
So, what must you do? There's a good chance he already called you by the time you read this answer. But if he hasn't, call him and tell him you miss him. If applicable, apologize for being a jerk. However, you must understand that sometimes it takes a small thing to turn off one person about another. Your fight might have revealed something about your personality he's not willing to tolerate. If this is the case, I don't know what might get him back. Maybe if you promise him abundant and decadent sex with your best looking female friends involved. But most often, guys just need a little time to brood over something and once that's done they're back like nothing ever happened.
Tags: couples fighting, breaking ties, relationship advice, thinking of calling
I met this guy at work and we started going for drinks afterwards, then I left my boyfriend of 3 years but not for this guy. Then we got together and agreed it won't be serious, that was a month ago! Not serious meaning no commitment, seeing each other every once in awhile and not caring much about the other. Sounds good, I said to him. We had a fight yesterday and broke all ties of this weird relationship non relationship thing, but I find myself constantly thinking of him and hoping he will phone or send a message or something... what must I do?
VictorM's advice:
I'm sure the fight was your fault. Right? Yeah, I'm right. (Doesn't matter what you say; that's what he's thinking).
So, what must you do? There's a good chance he already called you by the time you read this answer. But if he hasn't, call him and tell him you miss him. If applicable, apologize for being a jerk. However, you must understand that sometimes it takes a small thing to turn off one person about another. Your fight might have revealed something about your personality he's not willing to tolerate. If this is the case, I don't know what might get him back. Maybe if you promise him abundant and decadent sex with your best looking female friends involved. But most often, guys just need a little time to brood over something and once that's done they're back like nothing ever happened.
Tags: couples fighting, breaking ties, relationship advice, thinking of calling
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
He has never had sex
Lidia, asks:
This guy that I met through some friends and I have been hanging around with him and talking on the computer. My friends told him that I liked him and he asked and I said yes I do like you. OK here is the problem: he has been in a few bad relationships and so have I and we have talked a bit about them. He has never had sex, he has told me that he is very interested in me and I have told him the same but he has also said he wants to go really slow, wants to get to know me before we even start dating. What I wanna know is should I wait until he is ready or move on because he is feeding me a bunch of bullshit or he is scared to date because of other bad relationships he has had.
VictorM's advice:
Too bad you didn't say your ages. Shoot me later if you want, but I'm going to assume teenagers.
Could be that he's afraid of the prospect of having sex (yes, that happens to a lot guys, specially if they feel they may be inadequate). Not being in a relationship delays that dreadful first sex day.
Aside from that, I see nothing wrong with his request. Sounds sensible and more people should do it, that is, get to know each other more without feeling obligated or committed to that one person. You don't have to wait. You can be an active participant in the process: just take it easy, be his friend, get to know him better. What's wrong with that? Nothing, I say.
Tags: virgin boy, commitment, being friends, dating advice
This guy that I met through some friends and I have been hanging around with him and talking on the computer. My friends told him that I liked him and he asked and I said yes I do like you. OK here is the problem: he has been in a few bad relationships and so have I and we have talked a bit about them. He has never had sex, he has told me that he is very interested in me and I have told him the same but he has also said he wants to go really slow, wants to get to know me before we even start dating. What I wanna know is should I wait until he is ready or move on because he is feeding me a bunch of bullshit or he is scared to date because of other bad relationships he has had.
VictorM's advice:
Too bad you didn't say your ages. Shoot me later if you want, but I'm going to assume teenagers.
Could be that he's afraid of the prospect of having sex (yes, that happens to a lot guys, specially if they feel they may be inadequate). Not being in a relationship delays that dreadful first sex day.
Aside from that, I see nothing wrong with his request. Sounds sensible and more people should do it, that is, get to know each other more without feeling obligated or committed to that one person. You don't have to wait. You can be an active participant in the process: just take it easy, be his friend, get to know him better. What's wrong with that? Nothing, I say.
Tags: virgin boy, commitment, being friends, dating advice
He is extremely shy
Ali, 24, from New Berlin, WI, asks:
I've known this guy for over a year. He is a trainer at the gym I go to. I dated one other trainer very briefly, but he was kind of a jerk so it didn't last long. This current guy, I've always thought he was a nice, cute guy but wasn't sure if he had a girlfriend, recently I found out he didn't. He is extremely shy, I found out that at our age, he's pretty much only had one girlfriend. My friend attends the gym too and swears that he's into me, but he runs so hot and cold. Sometimes I think he does like me, sometimes I can't tell. I commented I got new business cards recently and asked if he could have one, I gave one (also including my cell number). I then asked for his and he wrote down his home number. I called him two days later, we had a really nice long talk, but he didn't ask me out. It's slightly awkward at the gym, but we can still talk and he said he'd call me later. It's been almost two weeks and he has yet to initiate a phone call! Should I just assume he's not that into me or be a little more understanding of how shy he can be? I'm ready to just give his card back to him! Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Don't give up. I bet he thinks about calling you but freezes, not knowing what to say. That's a common problem with shy guys. If he has something specific to call you about he'll be more willing to do it. But if he has no specific topic, he's terrified to make the call. Some guys, specially shy guys, hate... HATE to use the phone. I bet he really meant to call you, he just can't make himself make that call. Once the call is started he's fine (as was the case when you initiated the call). Give him a topic he can call you about and he might call. And with a shy guy, don't expect to be asked out quickly. Shyness is all about trust. Until he trusts you, he will not ask.
There may be another glitch: you're a client. Ask him if he has a problem with that.
Tags: shyness, shy guy, gym trainer, dating advice
I've known this guy for over a year. He is a trainer at the gym I go to. I dated one other trainer very briefly, but he was kind of a jerk so it didn't last long. This current guy, I've always thought he was a nice, cute guy but wasn't sure if he had a girlfriend, recently I found out he didn't. He is extremely shy, I found out that at our age, he's pretty much only had one girlfriend. My friend attends the gym too and swears that he's into me, but he runs so hot and cold. Sometimes I think he does like me, sometimes I can't tell. I commented I got new business cards recently and asked if he could have one, I gave one (also including my cell number). I then asked for his and he wrote down his home number. I called him two days later, we had a really nice long talk, but he didn't ask me out. It's slightly awkward at the gym, but we can still talk and he said he'd call me later. It's been almost two weeks and he has yet to initiate a phone call! Should I just assume he's not that into me or be a little more understanding of how shy he can be? I'm ready to just give his card back to him! Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Don't give up. I bet he thinks about calling you but freezes, not knowing what to say. That's a common problem with shy guys. If he has something specific to call you about he'll be more willing to do it. But if he has no specific topic, he's terrified to make the call. Some guys, specially shy guys, hate... HATE to use the phone. I bet he really meant to call you, he just can't make himself make that call. Once the call is started he's fine (as was the case when you initiated the call). Give him a topic he can call you about and he might call. And with a shy guy, don't expect to be asked out quickly. Shyness is all about trust. Until he trusts you, he will not ask.
There may be another glitch: you're a client. Ask him if he has a problem with that.
Tags: shyness, shy guy, gym trainer, dating advice
This guy whispered to my friend
Tina, 16, from nyc, asks:
If a guy asks whether a person likes them does that mean he likes the person?
This guy whispered to my friend who's also a guy while I was sitting right in front of them "does she like me?" and then my friend was saying "she's right there". I see that guy all the time in the hallways and such unlike before. Do you think that guy likes me? Why would a guy ask whether someone likes them or not? Thanks for your help.
VictorM's advice:
There's a good chance he likes you, but this not a solid clue. A guy could be asking just because he gets the impression that you like him, not because he likes you. If you want to get a better idea of how he might feel about you look for better clues.
If a guy asks whether a person likes them does that mean he likes the person?
This guy whispered to my friend who's also a guy while I was sitting right in front of them "does she like me?" and then my friend was saying "she's right there". I see that guy all the time in the hallways and such unlike before. Do you think that guy likes me? Why would a guy ask whether someone likes them or not? Thanks for your help.
VictorM's advice:
There's a good chance he likes you, but this not a solid clue. A guy could be asking just because he gets the impression that you like him, not because he likes you. If you want to get a better idea of how he might feel about you look for better clues.
He wanted to flirt
lauren, 18, from australia, asks:
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me so that he could flirt. He told me he loves me but then said he's unhappy in our relationship because he can't flirt. And now he wants me back. Should I tell him where to go? Please help!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Sounds to me like he was honest about his objectives. It's totally normal for teen boys to want to flirt. Now he's been without you and he misses you (or he found out he can't score with other girls as easily as he thought he could).
Flirting, by itself is not a terrible thing. It's a sign that boys are responding to mother nature and finding girls appealing. If you think flirting with other girls in front of you is a sign of disrespect make sure he understands that before you take him back. But don't go expecting miracles. I think it will be more likely that Russell Crowe will treat his fans with respect someday than to expect teen boys to stop flirting.
Will it bother you to know that your boyfriend flirts with other girls? Only you can say. But if it does, then yeah, tell him where you can go (I would suggest Buffalo, NY -- that place is where bad people in hell are sent to). If you think you can deal with it, and if you like him, take him back. If he still flirts to the point where you can't accept it, it'll be more fun for you to dump him than it was to be dumped.
Tags: flirting, boyfriend friends, boys and flirting, relationship advice
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me so that he could flirt. He told me he loves me but then said he's unhappy in our relationship because he can't flirt. And now he wants me back. Should I tell him where to go? Please help!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Sounds to me like he was honest about his objectives. It's totally normal for teen boys to want to flirt. Now he's been without you and he misses you (or he found out he can't score with other girls as easily as he thought he could).
Flirting, by itself is not a terrible thing. It's a sign that boys are responding to mother nature and finding girls appealing. If you think flirting with other girls in front of you is a sign of disrespect make sure he understands that before you take him back. But don't go expecting miracles. I think it will be more likely that Russell Crowe will treat his fans with respect someday than to expect teen boys to stop flirting.
Will it bother you to know that your boyfriend flirts with other girls? Only you can say. But if it does, then yeah, tell him where you can go (I would suggest Buffalo, NY -- that place is where bad people in hell are sent to). If you think you can deal with it, and if you like him, take him back. If he still flirts to the point where you can't accept it, it'll be more fun for you to dump him than it was to be dumped.
Tags: flirting, boyfriend friends, boys and flirting, relationship advice
Monday, May 14, 2007
Unlucky with guys
Emma, 19, from Birmingham, asks:
Girls say they feel unlucky with guys. Well this is true in my case. I completely feel rejected as I started to fall for one of my closest boy friends. Up til now, people would assume he's gay! which is why I was never attracted to him. Then he started distancing himself and I started to fancy him. I'm an average pretty girl, dark hair, dark eyes, slim, 5'4" and I'm not boring or fake, (I don't think) and am hoping to pass my a-levels and do medicine.
We went out and ended up kissing, but when we spoke the next day he said let's just be friends and let's forget about what happened. Yet when I see him, he still suggests we have a bit of 'fun'. I don't respect him, but I keep thinking about how he could not fancy me, he is not very good looking but makes me laugh and I like it when he gives me attention. He openly talks about other girls and he said he had sex with some random girl, but he doesn't fancy her. I have clearly stated to my friends that I would not loose my virginity until I got married.. This is really affecting my school work. Help!
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he really is gay! This would explain why you two didn't get too far physically and also why he keeps talking about other girls and about having sex (gays who are not open about their sexual preference often go to great extents to have everyone else believe they are heterosexual). Of course, he may not be gay, but I'm just pointing out that it's possible.
Besides, this hardly qualifies you as being unlucky with guys. This is ONE guy. Stop behaving like a victim. So one guy (maybe a gay guy) doesn't want a relationship with you. Well, heck, he's the unlucky one -- he's missing out on a great catch: an average pretty girl, dark hair, dark eyes, slim, 5'4" and not boring or fake girl hoping to pass her a-levels and do medicine who will be a virgin on her a wedding night. You sound as good as a princess in a fairy tale story.
Tags: dating advice, relationship advice, unlucky with guys
Girls say they feel unlucky with guys. Well this is true in my case. I completely feel rejected as I started to fall for one of my closest boy friends. Up til now, people would assume he's gay! which is why I was never attracted to him. Then he started distancing himself and I started to fancy him. I'm an average pretty girl, dark hair, dark eyes, slim, 5'4" and I'm not boring or fake, (I don't think) and am hoping to pass my a-levels and do medicine.
We went out and ended up kissing, but when we spoke the next day he said let's just be friends and let's forget about what happened. Yet when I see him, he still suggests we have a bit of 'fun'. I don't respect him, but I keep thinking about how he could not fancy me, he is not very good looking but makes me laugh and I like it when he gives me attention. He openly talks about other girls and he said he had sex with some random girl, but he doesn't fancy her. I have clearly stated to my friends that I would not loose my virginity until I got married.. This is really affecting my school work. Help!
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he really is gay! This would explain why you two didn't get too far physically and also why he keeps talking about other girls and about having sex (gays who are not open about their sexual preference often go to great extents to have everyone else believe they are heterosexual). Of course, he may not be gay, but I'm just pointing out that it's possible.
Besides, this hardly qualifies you as being unlucky with guys. This is ONE guy. Stop behaving like a victim. So one guy (maybe a gay guy) doesn't want a relationship with you. Well, heck, he's the unlucky one -- he's missing out on a great catch: an average pretty girl, dark hair, dark eyes, slim, 5'4" and not boring or fake girl hoping to pass her a-levels and do medicine who will be a virgin on her a wedding night. You sound as good as a princess in a fairy tale story.
Tags: dating advice, relationship advice, unlucky with guys
Nibbling my ear and kissing my neck
topi, 25, from Nigeria, asks:
I met this guy through my cousin. We chatted for 3 weeks on phone. We later got to meet at my place but it was just a friendly conversation. We kept chatting for another 3 weeks before I finally went to his place and he started nibbling my ear and kissing my neck. I responded to him but later stopped cause it was the first time I went to his house and I am still a virgin, which he knew about. But for the past 3 weeks he has not called me or picked up my calls. What is wrong???
VictorM's answer:
There's nothing wrong. He wants from you more than you're willing to give at this time and he doesn't want to waste his time with you. You should learn from him and not want to waste your time with him.
You are one lucky lady. You found out early enough that this guy is not after the same things in life that you are. Congratulations. Now move on to someone worthy of you.
PS. At least make sure the reason he hasn't responded isn't because he's dead or hospitalized.
Tags: not called, not answering phone calls, dating advice
I met this guy through my cousin. We chatted for 3 weeks on phone. We later got to meet at my place but it was just a friendly conversation. We kept chatting for another 3 weeks before I finally went to his place and he started nibbling my ear and kissing my neck. I responded to him but later stopped cause it was the first time I went to his house and I am still a virgin, which he knew about. But for the past 3 weeks he has not called me or picked up my calls. What is wrong???
VictorM's answer:
There's nothing wrong. He wants from you more than you're willing to give at this time and he doesn't want to waste his time with you. You should learn from him and not want to waste your time with him.
You are one lucky lady. You found out early enough that this guy is not after the same things in life that you are. Congratulations. Now move on to someone worthy of you.
PS. At least make sure the reason he hasn't responded isn't because he's dead or hospitalized.
Tags: not called, not answering phone calls, dating advice
Should I tell him I like him?
tiffany, 16, from CA, asks:
I have known my guy friend since I was about 7. I am now 16 and I really like him. I have liked him forever but now I want to date him. Should I tell him I like him? Or should I let him come to me if he likes me?
VictorM's advice:
No! Do not tell him you like him. Boys around your age may not be ready yet for a relationship. Often, when guys know a girl likes them they get all full of themselves and their ego leads them to believe they can also get other girls. So they won't make a move on you knowing they can have you if they want. Their male DNA leads them to satisfy their needs for conquest.
But you can't sit back and hope he can read your mind. Chances are he thinks of you as a buddy. You need to remove that image. He needs to think of you as a girl with boobs. So, dress more girly (no, I don't mean slutty, I mean tastefully femine), show a little more skin, wear more make-up (if that's your thing), stand closer to him, keep eye contact with him for a few seconds longer than you do now, look to spend time alone with him.
I have known my guy friend since I was about 7. I am now 16 and I really like him. I have liked him forever but now I want to date him. Should I tell him I like him? Or should I let him come to me if he likes me?
VictorM's advice:
No! Do not tell him you like him. Boys around your age may not be ready yet for a relationship. Often, when guys know a girl likes them they get all full of themselves and their ego leads them to believe they can also get other girls. So they won't make a move on you knowing they can have you if they want. Their male DNA leads them to satisfy their needs for conquest.
But you can't sit back and hope he can read your mind. Chances are he thinks of you as a buddy. You need to remove that image. He needs to think of you as a girl with boobs. So, dress more girly (no, I don't mean slutty, I mean tastefully femine), show a little more skin, wear more make-up (if that's your thing), stand closer to him, keep eye contact with him for a few seconds longer than you do now, look to spend time alone with him.
Questions in the queue
I went away for the weekend and have not had a chance to answer questions. I will do so now that I'm back. I have questions dating back to May 11 and will get to all of them between today and tomorrow.
So, if you are one of the people who submitted a question, don't do anything crazy until I have a chance to answer you. No jumping off bridges, no over-stuffing yourself with chocolate, and please... whatever you do, do not listen to any country western songs!
So, if you are one of the people who submitted a question, don't do anything crazy until I have a chance to answer you. No jumping off bridges, no over-stuffing yourself with chocolate, and please... whatever you do, do not listen to any country western songs!
Friday, May 11, 2007
He usually only wears green
megan, 17, from LA, asks:
My boyfriend used to wear different colors like black, brown, green, gray, etc. but now he usually only wears green most of the time. Does this mean he is not happy in the relationship or is ready to walk away? Is it even much of a problem?
VictorM's advice:
Anyone only wearing green most of the time needs his head examined! :) (j/k)
Nah, I don't think it means anything. People go through phases. He's in a green phase, that's all. Worry when he gets to the pink phase. And walk away if his underwear has streak of brown or yellow. Other than that, no worries.
My boyfriend used to wear different colors like black, brown, green, gray, etc. but now he usually only wears green most of the time. Does this mean he is not happy in the relationship or is ready to walk away? Is it even much of a problem?
VictorM's advice:
Anyone only wearing green most of the time needs his head examined! :) (j/k)
Nah, I don't think it means anything. People go through phases. He's in a green phase, that's all. Worry when he gets to the pink phase. And walk away if his underwear has streak of brown or yellow. Other than that, no worries.
Consistency
Sharon, 30, from New Hampshire, asks:
This guy I have been seeing for the last 8 months off and on is acting strange again. We will do things together for like a whole month straight. He will want to hang out every night and then two weeks later he will start distancing himself. We still talk everyday but he won't want to do things every night like we used to. Is it because he is getting scared and starting to have feelings for me and he is pulling away before that starts to happen? It just confuses me to go from one way to going another. We have said this is a casual thing since he is moving in November, but I would like some consistency.
VictorM's answer:
Well, he's consistently inconsistent, that's consistency.
I don't know, doesn't sound that odd to me. Sometimes he likes seeing you, and so he does. Then he backs off a little because there's other things in life. Maybe the problem is not him; maybe the problem is that you have nothing going in your life unless you're with him.
This desire to have him so dedicated to you is the type of thing that so often suffocates relationships. He's not so dependent on you as you are dependent on him. Between you two of you, I think he's in a healthier place.
Tags: hot and cold, relationship advice, he backs off
This guy I have been seeing for the last 8 months off and on is acting strange again. We will do things together for like a whole month straight. He will want to hang out every night and then two weeks later he will start distancing himself. We still talk everyday but he won't want to do things every night like we used to. Is it because he is getting scared and starting to have feelings for me and he is pulling away before that starts to happen? It just confuses me to go from one way to going another. We have said this is a casual thing since he is moving in November, but I would like some consistency.
VictorM's answer:
Well, he's consistently inconsistent, that's consistency.
I don't know, doesn't sound that odd to me. Sometimes he likes seeing you, and so he does. Then he backs off a little because there's other things in life. Maybe the problem is not him; maybe the problem is that you have nothing going in your life unless you're with him.
This desire to have him so dedicated to you is the type of thing that so often suffocates relationships. He's not so dependent on you as you are dependent on him. Between you two of you, I think he's in a healthier place.
Tags: hot and cold, relationship advice, he backs off
Thursday, May 10, 2007
My parents would die
Majesta, 13, from TX, asks:
I like this guy but he is fifteen. I wish I didn't like him but I do. He is so funny and great to hang around with. My parents would die if they knew how I felt about him because he is a goth and really immature and that's why I hate myself for loving him. Every person I've told about my situation and how he acts around me has said that they think he likes me which sounds weird because he is four years older then me but everyone says I look fifteen myself and act it sometimes. Should I tell him how I feel? If I do whether he likes me or not it will be different around him no matter what but I hate seeing him and knowing I can't tell him.
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT tell him how you feel. Boys his age wold just get too cocky. Let him chase you instead. Meanwhile, work on your math homework. He's 15, you're 13 and he's 4 years older than you?
I don't think your parents would die; I think they would kill you.
But come on, him being goth is not a problem. Just means he's fashion challenged!
Tags: likes a goth, age difference, dating advice
I like this guy but he is fifteen. I wish I didn't like him but I do. He is so funny and great to hang around with. My parents would die if they knew how I felt about him because he is a goth and really immature and that's why I hate myself for loving him. Every person I've told about my situation and how he acts around me has said that they think he likes me which sounds weird because he is four years older then me but everyone says I look fifteen myself and act it sometimes. Should I tell him how I feel? If I do whether he likes me or not it will be different around him no matter what but I hate seeing him and knowing I can't tell him.
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT tell him how you feel. Boys his age wold just get too cocky. Let him chase you instead. Meanwhile, work on your math homework. He's 15, you're 13 and he's 4 years older than you?
I don't think your parents would die; I think they would kill you.
But come on, him being goth is not a problem. Just means he's fashion challenged!
Tags: likes a goth, age difference, dating advice
He had difficulty trusting people
debra, 29, from nyc, asks:
My boyfriend and I only hang out 2 times during the entire week. My boyfriend said it is because he had difficulty trusting people in his childhood but I'm frustrated! It has been 1 .5 years?? What should I do? He is seeking help, though.
VictorM's advice:
He has a difficult time trusting people so he doesn't see you? I don't think it's a matter of trust; it's a matter of not being into you. And I assume that when he does see you he gets sex, right? Listen Debra, you're being conned, and you're being a sucker.
Tags: trust issues, relationship advice
My boyfriend and I only hang out 2 times during the entire week. My boyfriend said it is because he had difficulty trusting people in his childhood but I'm frustrated! It has been 1 .5 years?? What should I do? He is seeking help, though.
VictorM's advice:
He has a difficult time trusting people so he doesn't see you? I don't think it's a matter of trust; it's a matter of not being into you. And I assume that when he does see you he gets sex, right? Listen Debra, you're being conned, and you're being a sucker.
Tags: trust issues, relationship advice
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Dumped
Maggie, 22, from California, asks:
The guy I like recently "dumped" me. Up until the beginning of this year, he had a very serious girlfriend. Then, when school started, we started talking a lot (about two months after they broke up). He asked me out, but I said no for a few reasons. He knew I liked him, though, but I couldn't say yes to dating him. Well, we kept talking often, and would hang out often, too. He talked about kissing me, but never did. (It's been two months since we started talking.) Things were really great up until like two weeks ago. I went to his house a night (maybe two) a week. We would hang out and watch a movie and play games. He would flirt, and seemed to have a good time. About two weeks ago is when he first held my hand. It was a simple gesture that showed me he really does like me. We held hands on one other occasion about 5 days later. That same night, we were watching a show on his bed, and he was practically laying all over me. (Take in mind, I'm proper, and wouldn't let anything happen, and he knows this.) Just recently, he basically dumped me, and told me that he rethought things and realized he wouldn't want to date me anymore. He has said I annoy him before, but I really don't know what I did this last time (honestly, I don't think it was anything). My other guy friends says he's trying to not hurt me (cause he'd either have to commit or run away at this point, and he's running away.) He's now pretty much avoiding me and not talking to me. So, does he really not like me as more than a friend, as well as just a friend? I don't want to try to be his friend if he doesn't like to be around me anymore, if I am honestly annoying to him or something like that. I don't want to ask him any more questions because he has told me that I need to chill before. Or is he just trying to spare my feelings? (School is ending soon, and we wouldn't continue a relationship.) How could his feelings and reactions change so quickly like they did? Is it really something I could have done to be annoying to change his feelings so quickly, or is it just something he's trying to do to avoid pain in about a month when we graduate? Thank you.
VictorM's answer:
There are a lot of possibilities here, each of them quite plausible. It's not likely that it's any one thing you did that triggered his reaction. Most likely it's a piling up of things, even if each one is minor. Also, it's likely that his annoyance with you has been building but he didn't show it. He could be trying to spare your feelings (I doubt it). He could also be playing hard to get to see if you chase him. Or maybe, since he was interested in being more than friends with you but got tired that the most he got from you was holding hands. And since there was no advancement in how you related to him, he came to the decision that enough is enough.
You need to realize that anyone can at any time and for no apparent reason come to one of those "what did I see in her/him?" moments, when the clarity of no relationship feels much better than the murkiness of a prolonged uncertainty. Frankly, I think you wore out his patience with being so proper (which he probably interpreted as you not being interested in anything but friendship).
The guy I like recently "dumped" me. Up until the beginning of this year, he had a very serious girlfriend. Then, when school started, we started talking a lot (about two months after they broke up). He asked me out, but I said no for a few reasons. He knew I liked him, though, but I couldn't say yes to dating him. Well, we kept talking often, and would hang out often, too. He talked about kissing me, but never did. (It's been two months since we started talking.) Things were really great up until like two weeks ago. I went to his house a night (maybe two) a week. We would hang out and watch a movie and play games. He would flirt, and seemed to have a good time. About two weeks ago is when he first held my hand. It was a simple gesture that showed me he really does like me. We held hands on one other occasion about 5 days later. That same night, we were watching a show on his bed, and he was practically laying all over me. (Take in mind, I'm proper, and wouldn't let anything happen, and he knows this.) Just recently, he basically dumped me, and told me that he rethought things and realized he wouldn't want to date me anymore. He has said I annoy him before, but I really don't know what I did this last time (honestly, I don't think it was anything). My other guy friends says he's trying to not hurt me (cause he'd either have to commit or run away at this point, and he's running away.) He's now pretty much avoiding me and not talking to me. So, does he really not like me as more than a friend, as well as just a friend? I don't want to try to be his friend if he doesn't like to be around me anymore, if I am honestly annoying to him or something like that. I don't want to ask him any more questions because he has told me that I need to chill before. Or is he just trying to spare my feelings? (School is ending soon, and we wouldn't continue a relationship.) How could his feelings and reactions change so quickly like they did? Is it really something I could have done to be annoying to change his feelings so quickly, or is it just something he's trying to do to avoid pain in about a month when we graduate? Thank you.
VictorM's answer:
There are a lot of possibilities here, each of them quite plausible. It's not likely that it's any one thing you did that triggered his reaction. Most likely it's a piling up of things, even if each one is minor. Also, it's likely that his annoyance with you has been building but he didn't show it. He could be trying to spare your feelings (I doubt it). He could also be playing hard to get to see if you chase him. Or maybe, since he was interested in being more than friends with you but got tired that the most he got from you was holding hands. And since there was no advancement in how you related to him, he came to the decision that enough is enough.
You need to realize that anyone can at any time and for no apparent reason come to one of those "what did I see in her/him?" moments, when the clarity of no relationship feels much better than the murkiness of a prolonged uncertainty. Frankly, I think you wore out his patience with being so proper (which he probably interpreted as you not being interested in anything but friendship).
Truth is objective
Dawn, 27, from New Haven, asks:
My boyfriend of 2 years (he's 26) told me today that truth is objective, so whenever two people in a relationship disagree about something, the way to resolve it is for the person being challenged to decide whether the other person's desire/emotion/request/whatever is 'reasonable', and if it isn't, to ignore it, because truth isn't subjective, and you can't just go around 'indulging' people's irrationality. We had actually been talking about a different couple (not ourselves), but his statement concerned me. I've always thought relationships were about compromise and mutual fulfillment, and that sometimes that would probably mean going along with something that wasn't too big a deal to you, even if you didn't see the same value in it that your significant other did. Is there a guy sub-text in his comment that I'm missing that makes his statement compatible with my view? If not, do we have a problem? Do all guys think this way? Is there something I can do address the problem?
VictorM's advice:
You should be concerned. His is a pretty dumb view of the world. But don't rush to replace him; odds are the next guy thinks the same way. There's a simplicity of thought in that way of seeing the world that is common to far too many guys.
But that aside, your boyfriend is wrong! I've always heard this: "there's three sides to every truth -- yours, mine, and what really happened." It's virtually impossible to see the third one if you're one of the two people involved. His conclusion lacks the understanding that even if I see no value to one of your positions, as your lover, I should give your view more weight. His approach may be fine in business or with his buddies, but not in matters of the heart. Not when love means "working for the well-being of the other." He has a very selfish view of what love is all about.
I doubt you can change his mind, but there's one thing you can do to deal with it better: always talk about your feelings -- he can never deny your feelings as the truth. If you're jealous he can't deny that you are. He may want to argue why you shouldn't be jealous, but if you stick with how you feel, he can never deny that. (I'm using jealousy only as an example, you can substitute for anything pertinent to you). If you are jealous of him with another girl, saying he's flirting with her will cause your views of the truth to clash with his (because his truth will differ from yours). But if you say: "I'm jealous when she's around", he can't deny that truth. He can reply with: "but you have no reason to be jealous" (his truth, I'm sure). If you fall into the trap of discussing the reasons, yes, you have a problem (because you think you are right and so does he), but if you stick with "But I feel jealous..." he's left with two choices: either he leaves you feeling jealous or he looks to do something so you won't feel that way. Of course, if he doesn't care about your feelings, you have a learned a harsh truth: your boyfriend will bring you much unhappiness. And that's the truth.
Tags: truth, relationship advice, relationship compromise, how to talk to boyfriend
My boyfriend of 2 years (he's 26) told me today that truth is objective, so whenever two people in a relationship disagree about something, the way to resolve it is for the person being challenged to decide whether the other person's desire/emotion/request/whatever is 'reasonable', and if it isn't, to ignore it, because truth isn't subjective, and you can't just go around 'indulging' people's irrationality. We had actually been talking about a different couple (not ourselves), but his statement concerned me. I've always thought relationships were about compromise and mutual fulfillment, and that sometimes that would probably mean going along with something that wasn't too big a deal to you, even if you didn't see the same value in it that your significant other did. Is there a guy sub-text in his comment that I'm missing that makes his statement compatible with my view? If not, do we have a problem? Do all guys think this way? Is there something I can do address the problem?
VictorM's advice:
You should be concerned. His is a pretty dumb view of the world. But don't rush to replace him; odds are the next guy thinks the same way. There's a simplicity of thought in that way of seeing the world that is common to far too many guys.
But that aside, your boyfriend is wrong! I've always heard this: "there's three sides to every truth -- yours, mine, and what really happened." It's virtually impossible to see the third one if you're one of the two people involved. His conclusion lacks the understanding that even if I see no value to one of your positions, as your lover, I should give your view more weight. His approach may be fine in business or with his buddies, but not in matters of the heart. Not when love means "working for the well-being of the other." He has a very selfish view of what love is all about.
I doubt you can change his mind, but there's one thing you can do to deal with it better: always talk about your feelings -- he can never deny your feelings as the truth. If you're jealous he can't deny that you are. He may want to argue why you shouldn't be jealous, but if you stick with how you feel, he can never deny that. (I'm using jealousy only as an example, you can substitute for anything pertinent to you). If you are jealous of him with another girl, saying he's flirting with her will cause your views of the truth to clash with his (because his truth will differ from yours). But if you say: "I'm jealous when she's around", he can't deny that truth. He can reply with: "but you have no reason to be jealous" (his truth, I'm sure). If you fall into the trap of discussing the reasons, yes, you have a problem (because you think you are right and so does he), but if you stick with "But I feel jealous..." he's left with two choices: either he leaves you feeling jealous or he looks to do something so you won't feel that way. Of course, if he doesn't care about your feelings, you have a learned a harsh truth: your boyfriend will bring you much unhappiness. And that's the truth.
Tags: truth, relationship advice, relationship compromise, how to talk to boyfriend
Sunday, May 06, 2007
wut i see is wereed ppl
lona, 19, asks:
boys prefers thin or big girls??? and wut is the way to attract a guy he doesnt like me :(
wut i see is wereed ppl tht i dont like thm come to me and ppl tht i adore just go away . i dont it is a kind tht someone do a magic for me sometimes i begin to worry:) also i feel very unlucky :) it happened wid me twice in my life to be sincere but last for 2 days approximately :)also i want to ask a question is it better to talk all the time with a guy ? or just be silent will they think im coincendence . my prb is i dont talk with anyone i want someone special :)
VictorM's advice:
Maybe being unlucky is not your problem. Maybe the guys like someone who is somewhat articulate. Care to retype your question? I would be happy to take the time to answer it if you take the time to type like someone not wearing boxing gloves.
boys prefers thin or big girls??? and wut is the way to attract a guy he doesnt like me :(
wut i see is wereed ppl tht i dont like thm come to me and ppl tht i adore just go away . i dont it is a kind tht someone do a magic for me sometimes i begin to worry:) also i feel very unlucky :) it happened wid me twice in my life to be sincere but last for 2 days approximately :)also i want to ask a question is it better to talk all the time with a guy ? or just be silent will they think im coincendence . my prb is i dont talk with anyone i want someone special :)
VictorM's advice:
Maybe being unlucky is not your problem. Maybe the guys like someone who is somewhat articulate. Care to retype your question? I would be happy to take the time to answer it if you take the time to type like someone not wearing boxing gloves.
We still live in the same house
Walnut, 28, from New Zealand, asks:
Do you still remember my story that my boyfriend broke up with me at my 21 week pregnancy? We still live in the same house. This week we went to hospital visit(for delivery) together. When we were back home, he stayed in the room and touch my belly to feel the baby move. This is the first time he did himself, not because I asked him to do so. I thought he became to enjoy to be a father soon. Later the night, we ended up having sex. But just after it, he went back to sleep in the couch (the same night). So did the following nights. He made me to "massage" him as well. I don't really understand this situation. He didn't say anything about our relationship and continues to stay in the couch. I noticed he spent less time on internet this week, but still watching TV all day. He seems has a bit more understand of my rountine. (not like before he would make me have sex even when I was very tired). Is this a breakthrough?
PS: I got a female friend staying with us. She was really helpful for the past month when I was so sad about the broke up. But sometimes, I am a bit jealous when I saw my boyfriend and her talking and laughing. Is it ok?
VictorM's advice:
It's understandable that you'd like to get the attention from him that your friend his getting.
If you are broken-up and only sharing a house, why are you having sex with him? If you think that might make him warm up to you, you're sadly mistaken. If he can get that benefit without other responsibilities, he will. If you are broken-up, he should be off limits! A guy having sex with you means nothing. Guys would screw a telephone pole if it was moist enough.
He's warming up to the baby, maybe even to being a father, but I don't see that bringing him closer to you. At least it doesn't appear so. Going to sleep on the couch after having sex with you is a huge sign that he's not ready to get back together with you.
Tags: sleeping on the couch, sharing a house, relationship advice
Do you still remember my story that my boyfriend broke up with me at my 21 week pregnancy? We still live in the same house. This week we went to hospital visit(for delivery) together. When we were back home, he stayed in the room and touch my belly to feel the baby move. This is the first time he did himself, not because I asked him to do so. I thought he became to enjoy to be a father soon. Later the night, we ended up having sex. But just after it, he went back to sleep in the couch (the same night). So did the following nights. He made me to "massage" him as well. I don't really understand this situation. He didn't say anything about our relationship and continues to stay in the couch. I noticed he spent less time on internet this week, but still watching TV all day. He seems has a bit more understand of my rountine. (not like before he would make me have sex even when I was very tired). Is this a breakthrough?
PS: I got a female friend staying with us. She was really helpful for the past month when I was so sad about the broke up. But sometimes, I am a bit jealous when I saw my boyfriend and her talking and laughing. Is it ok?
VictorM's advice:
It's understandable that you'd like to get the attention from him that your friend his getting.
If you are broken-up and only sharing a house, why are you having sex with him? If you think that might make him warm up to you, you're sadly mistaken. If he can get that benefit without other responsibilities, he will. If you are broken-up, he should be off limits! A guy having sex with you means nothing. Guys would screw a telephone pole if it was moist enough.
He's warming up to the baby, maybe even to being a father, but I don't see that bringing him closer to you. At least it doesn't appear so. Going to sleep on the couch after having sex with you is a huge sign that he's not ready to get back together with you.
Tags: sleeping on the couch, sharing a house, relationship advice
In love with a guy and want to break up
Rebecca, 30, from jersey, asks:
How am I in love with a guy and want to break up with him too?
VictorM's answer:
You love him the way alcoholics love alcohol and drug addicts love drugs. He may give you some short term pleasure but you know he's not good for you in the long run.
I don't know why you want to end it, but I can imagine many good reasons -- I'm sure you have yours. Trust your instincts and break up with him. Accept that it won't be easy not matter what your reasons because addictions are hard to overcome.
Tags: break-up, in love, breaking-up
How am I in love with a guy and want to break up with him too?
VictorM's answer:
You love him the way alcoholics love alcohol and drug addicts love drugs. He may give you some short term pleasure but you know he's not good for you in the long run.
I don't know why you want to end it, but I can imagine many good reasons -- I'm sure you have yours. Trust your instincts and break up with him. Accept that it won't be easy not matter what your reasons because addictions are hard to overcome.
Tags: break-up, in love, breaking-up
Saturday, May 05, 2007
He wanted sexual intercourse
Annalea, 22, from Baton Rouge asks:
A guy that I have been dating for a few months just basically ended it with me. This, I am okay with except for the fact that I have strong feelings for him and really enjoy the person I am around him. The problem comes in that his actions before he told me how he felt did not change, in fact he wanted sexual intercourse as well as extensive kissing sessions hours before the conversation began. My question to you is: why would a guy treat me the same, kiss me the same, have sex with me the same, as well as continue to tell me he really cares for me and enjoys being with me when he is also breaking up with me and saying that that feeling is just not there? I am confused!!
VictorM's answer:
The answer is simple: because he can easily have sex with you without having feelings you. This is not uncommon at all among guys; in fact, I'd say is the norm with the majority of males. You better get your head around this concept otherwise you're going to be confused for the rest of you life.
He still cares for you (meaning, he doesn't hate you and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you) and you still turn him on PHYSICALLY so, hey if he can sneak in a quickie he will (one for the road, if you will... you know, last call for alcohol), but he doesn't see you as the mother of his children. I bet if you offer to just have sex with him with no commitment, he'd be all over the it.
In guy world, sex = great; sex with feelings = great; sex with no feelings = great; sex with no feelings, no commitment, and no fee = priceless!
Tags: no feelings, break-up, confusing guy, still cares, relationship advice
A guy that I have been dating for a few months just basically ended it with me. This, I am okay with except for the fact that I have strong feelings for him and really enjoy the person I am around him. The problem comes in that his actions before he told me how he felt did not change, in fact he wanted sexual intercourse as well as extensive kissing sessions hours before the conversation began. My question to you is: why would a guy treat me the same, kiss me the same, have sex with me the same, as well as continue to tell me he really cares for me and enjoys being with me when he is also breaking up with me and saying that that feeling is just not there? I am confused!!
VictorM's answer:
The answer is simple: because he can easily have sex with you without having feelings you. This is not uncommon at all among guys; in fact, I'd say is the norm with the majority of males. You better get your head around this concept otherwise you're going to be confused for the rest of you life.
He still cares for you (meaning, he doesn't hate you and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you) and you still turn him on PHYSICALLY so, hey if he can sneak in a quickie he will (one for the road, if you will... you know, last call for alcohol), but he doesn't see you as the mother of his children. I bet if you offer to just have sex with him with no commitment, he'd be all over the it.
In guy world, sex = great; sex with feelings = great; sex with no feelings = great; sex with no feelings, no commitment, and no fee = priceless!
Tags: no feelings, break-up, confusing guy, still cares, relationship advice
Friday, May 04, 2007
My brother asked him to go to then prom with me
Audrina, 17, asks:
There's this guy named Andy (he's 21) and my brother asked him to go to then prom with me because he's friends with him and we had a lot of fun. He flirted a lot with me, he put his hand on my back, held my hand, sang in my ear when we slow danced, offered me food and something to drink, and told me I looked sexy in my red prom dress and told me I was beautiful. He kept wanting to make me laugh. The problem is that he is seeing a girl and also he flirted a little with a girl that I know. I turn 18 on May 12, so I was just wondering if he likes me or not? He told me he had a good time and was glad he stayed and he told me he had fun. He is in the military and lives 15 mins out of GF so I wonder if he does like me. I REALLY like him we took prom pics together and I have a lot of fun with him. He told me it's fun to dance with me so please let me know. Thanx
VictorM's answer:
He knew that his role that night was to make you the center of the universe and to make it your night. Obviously he succeeded.
Does he like you? It's obvious he enjoyed your company but nothing you said suggests he likes you more than that. He did all the things that he thought would make it a great night for you, but that just means he was thoughtful and considerate.
I have no doubt he was having a blast around teenage girls looking their very best, as girls dressed for their prom night often are. This explains his flirty mood.
He has a girlfriend. Nothing you wrote indicates he would replace her with you. He was a gentleman with you and nothing seems to have compromised his relationship with his girlfriend. But, it's also possible that thinking about that night his feelings for you will grow fonder. So you never know.
If you see him again, be as delightful as you can be, but remember that he has a girlfriend. Unless he ends it with her, you should respect their relationship.
Tags: prom night, age difference, prom date,
There's this guy named Andy (he's 21) and my brother asked him to go to then prom with me because he's friends with him and we had a lot of fun. He flirted a lot with me, he put his hand on my back, held my hand, sang in my ear when we slow danced, offered me food and something to drink, and told me I looked sexy in my red prom dress and told me I was beautiful. He kept wanting to make me laugh. The problem is that he is seeing a girl and also he flirted a little with a girl that I know. I turn 18 on May 12, so I was just wondering if he likes me or not? He told me he had a good time and was glad he stayed and he told me he had fun. He is in the military and lives 15 mins out of GF so I wonder if he does like me. I REALLY like him we took prom pics together and I have a lot of fun with him. He told me it's fun to dance with me so please let me know. Thanx
VictorM's answer:
He knew that his role that night was to make you the center of the universe and to make it your night. Obviously he succeeded.
Does he like you? It's obvious he enjoyed your company but nothing you said suggests he likes you more than that. He did all the things that he thought would make it a great night for you, but that just means he was thoughtful and considerate.
I have no doubt he was having a blast around teenage girls looking their very best, as girls dressed for their prom night often are. This explains his flirty mood.
He has a girlfriend. Nothing you wrote indicates he would replace her with you. He was a gentleman with you and nothing seems to have compromised his relationship with his girlfriend. But, it's also possible that thinking about that night his feelings for you will grow fonder. So you never know.
If you see him again, be as delightful as you can be, but remember that he has a girlfriend. Unless he ends it with her, you should respect their relationship.
Tags: prom night, age difference, prom date,
His body language is mimicking mine
Anna, 28, from London, asks:
Hi Victor
It’s Anna, from London. Thanks for your reply. You’re right, I am a silly woman. A class friend has been telling me all along that my teacher is interested in me, but I find it hard to believe, that’s all. There are quite a few gorgeous looking girls in the class and while I’m not ugly, I’m definitely not in their league. I’m used to other girls getting attention from men, not me. I like this man and certainly would never torment him. But I know that nothing will happen while he is my teacher. That could be disastrous for both of us. I have another 2 years to go in my course. It would be great if he were still interested then, but that’s a long way off. Do you know much about body language? Since reading your reply, I’ve started to notice that his body language is mimicking mine. If I sit at the desk with my arms folded, he does the same. If I sit with my elbows on the desk and my head in my hand, he does the same. If I change position, he changes his soon after to match mine. It’s actually a bit unnerving. I also see him smoothing his hair, fiddling with his shirt cuffs and picking lint off his clothes as well. Do you think he’s doing all this consciously or unconsciously?
VictorM's answer:
I doubt very much that he's doing it on purpose. It sounds like subconsciously he's in tune with you and reacts as you do. You know how they say that dog owners starts looking like their dogs? OK, that sounds like a really bad analogy. Strike that. :-p
The poor guy is just head over heals smitten by you. He doesn't know what to do with himself when you're around. So he'll fiddle and fudge and feel awkward around you.
Don't worry about what other girls look like. Don't sell yourself short. Some girls may have an advantage at getting a guy's attention but that doesn't mean they have what it takes to keep it. I bet that right now, to him, you're the most beautiful woman on the planet.
Tags: teacher crush, student crush, body language,
Hi Victor
It’s Anna, from London. Thanks for your reply. You’re right, I am a silly woman. A class friend has been telling me all along that my teacher is interested in me, but I find it hard to believe, that’s all. There are quite a few gorgeous looking girls in the class and while I’m not ugly, I’m definitely not in their league. I’m used to other girls getting attention from men, not me. I like this man and certainly would never torment him. But I know that nothing will happen while he is my teacher. That could be disastrous for both of us. I have another 2 years to go in my course. It would be great if he were still interested then, but that’s a long way off. Do you know much about body language? Since reading your reply, I’ve started to notice that his body language is mimicking mine. If I sit at the desk with my arms folded, he does the same. If I sit with my elbows on the desk and my head in my hand, he does the same. If I change position, he changes his soon after to match mine. It’s actually a bit unnerving. I also see him smoothing his hair, fiddling with his shirt cuffs and picking lint off his clothes as well. Do you think he’s doing all this consciously or unconsciously?
VictorM's answer:
I doubt very much that he's doing it on purpose. It sounds like subconsciously he's in tune with you and reacts as you do. You know how they say that dog owners starts looking like their dogs? OK, that sounds like a really bad analogy. Strike that. :-p
The poor guy is just head over heals smitten by you. He doesn't know what to do with himself when you're around. So he'll fiddle and fudge and feel awkward around you.
Don't worry about what other girls look like. Don't sell yourself short. Some girls may have an advantage at getting a guy's attention but that doesn't mean they have what it takes to keep it. I bet that right now, to him, you're the most beautiful woman on the planet.
Tags: teacher crush, student crush, body language,
Thursday, May 03, 2007
He used to be a playboy
May, 34, from asia, asks:
I am with a guy for four months now. He went into bankruptcy before I knew him. I know he used to be a playboy and spent a lot money every night with his guy friends. He was rich. Now, he got chance to start over again and may become rich again. Should I help him out? I am afraid he will turn out to be a playboy again and I will lose him. I am still not sure if his love for me is me or just for getting a chance making more money? Please kindly advise.
VictorM's advice:
If I understood you correctly, does he stand a chance of making money because of you? That is, is he getting money from you to get started again? Sounds like it.
Well, if you're the source of his ability to get himself back to financial success, what makes you think he'll change his past behavior? It's possible he'll change. People do change (although not as often as romance novels would make you believe) but usually only if something drastic happens and they learn from the experience, otherwise, expect more of the same. And if he knew going into the relationship with you that you could be his way out financially, you have more reason to be skeptical.
I would say give him a change... as long as he bounces back on his own. If you're risking your money on him you're bound to lose more than a boyfriend; you're bound to lose your money too.
Tags: playboy, money problems, boyfriend, relationship advice
I am with a guy for four months now. He went into bankruptcy before I knew him. I know he used to be a playboy and spent a lot money every night with his guy friends. He was rich. Now, he got chance to start over again and may become rich again. Should I help him out? I am afraid he will turn out to be a playboy again and I will lose him. I am still not sure if his love for me is me or just for getting a chance making more money? Please kindly advise.
VictorM's advice:
If I understood you correctly, does he stand a chance of making money because of you? That is, is he getting money from you to get started again? Sounds like it.
Well, if you're the source of his ability to get himself back to financial success, what makes you think he'll change his past behavior? It's possible he'll change. People do change (although not as often as romance novels would make you believe) but usually only if something drastic happens and they learn from the experience, otherwise, expect more of the same. And if he knew going into the relationship with you that you could be his way out financially, you have more reason to be skeptical.
I would say give him a change... as long as he bounces back on his own. If you're risking your money on him you're bound to lose more than a boyfriend; you're bound to lose your money too.
Tags: playboy, money problems, boyfriend, relationship advice
Things have become a bit rocky as of late
Janie, 19, from Minnesota, asks:
Hello,
I've been dating this guy since I was 16. We've had a great relationship throughout, but things have become a bit rocky as of late. We both love each other and care about one another more than anything. He says he doesn't feel loved and since he doesn't feel loved, he doesn't show his love for me. But it stems from me not making him feel loved. He's not sure what I do or do not do to give him this feeling, but we both really want this to work. From another guy's point of view, what else could I do to really make him see that I love him. I try to make him little things. Draw pictures, and make handmade items because he doesn't like me to spend money on him. We're just at a loss lately and I need a little pick me up to keep things going.
VictorM's advice:
Stop THINKING LIKE A GIRL! You draw pictures? Handmade stuff? Come on! Girls would like that stuff, not guys. Guys are much more physical creatures. If you want to make an impact on him, here's what you do: have sex more often, touch him a lot, kiss him, feel his ass, sit on his lap. BE PHYSICAL with him!
Oh, well, that was easy. Next! :)
Tags: making a guy feel loved, rocky relationship, hitting the rocks
Hello,
I've been dating this guy since I was 16. We've had a great relationship throughout, but things have become a bit rocky as of late. We both love each other and care about one another more than anything. He says he doesn't feel loved and since he doesn't feel loved, he doesn't show his love for me. But it stems from me not making him feel loved. He's not sure what I do or do not do to give him this feeling, but we both really want this to work. From another guy's point of view, what else could I do to really make him see that I love him. I try to make him little things. Draw pictures, and make handmade items because he doesn't like me to spend money on him. We're just at a loss lately and I need a little pick me up to keep things going.
VictorM's advice:
Stop THINKING LIKE A GIRL! You draw pictures? Handmade stuff? Come on! Girls would like that stuff, not guys. Guys are much more physical creatures. If you want to make an impact on him, here's what you do: have sex more often, touch him a lot, kiss him, feel his ass, sit on his lap. BE PHYSICAL with him!
Oh, well, that was easy. Next! :)
Tags: making a guy feel loved, rocky relationship, hitting the rocks
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Why didn't he ask me out?
amber, 16, from MN asks:
I liked this guy and when I found out he liked me too. He had a girlfriend. I'm confused. Why didn't he ask me out? He still looks at me and smiles at me when I walk by in the hallways at school. I guess my question is: did he go for someone else for a rebound? And he knew I liked him so why couldn't he just ask me out first?
VictorM's answer:
He likes you but whoever the other girl is, said yes. So, since he could get her, he did. Why not you? Because he can always get you later. See, he knows you like him, therefore you're not a challenge. Getting you isn't nearly as exciting as getting a girl he had to work for. In his mind, he's going to give her a try knowing he can get you later if he still wants you. Either that or he figures he'll get more action from her than from you.
At his age he's interested in quantity more than quality, in challenges more than certainty. There's a good chance he likes you more than other girls, but you're the safe bet. He's not ready for that yet. He wants to play the field first.
Moral of the story: don't let guys know you like them; make them work for you.
Tags: he has a girlfriend, why didn't he ask me, he knows I like him
I liked this guy and when I found out he liked me too. He had a girlfriend. I'm confused. Why didn't he ask me out? He still looks at me and smiles at me when I walk by in the hallways at school. I guess my question is: did he go for someone else for a rebound? And he knew I liked him so why couldn't he just ask me out first?
VictorM's answer:
He likes you but whoever the other girl is, said yes. So, since he could get her, he did. Why not you? Because he can always get you later. See, he knows you like him, therefore you're not a challenge. Getting you isn't nearly as exciting as getting a girl he had to work for. In his mind, he's going to give her a try knowing he can get you later if he still wants you. Either that or he figures he'll get more action from her than from you.
At his age he's interested in quantity more than quality, in challenges more than certainty. There's a good chance he likes you more than other girls, but you're the safe bet. He's not ready for that yet. He wants to play the field first.
Moral of the story: don't let guys know you like them; make them work for you.
Tags: he has a girlfriend, why didn't he ask me, he knows I like him
