angela, 39, from usa, asks:

Co-worker e-mails very nice emails- recently said my e-mails flatter him. What is he trying to say?

VictorM's answer:

I think you two are both doing the equivalent of playing footsies, just using with e-mails to do it.

It seems you both have a thing for each other but are being careful about it. Basically, he's asking you a question, which goes something like this: It seems from your emails that you like me? Is that so? If it is, give me some strong signal because otherwise I'm not risking looking like a fool and having to deal with you and the other coworkers laughing about you rejecting me.

Also, depending on what company you work for, a relationship between you two could could jeopardize one, or both, of your jobs.

So, bottom line: he's interested in you but is proceeding very cautiously.


Tags: co-workers, flirty emails, flattery

Anna, 28, from London, asks:

I’ve noticed my college professor has started to act differently around me in the last month or two. I’ve been in his class for two years. He’s friendly to all his students and I’ve always thought I got along well with him. He is 35 and I’m 28. If I get within about six feet of him to talk to him he gets nervous and agitated and can’t get the words out quick enough. When teaching he looks around the room at the students, but I’ve noticed lately he looks over my head, never at me. He doesn’t do this to anyone else. Sometimes he will have a joke with the other students after class but never looks at or talks to me. I often come out of class feeling ignored and disliked. Yet, if I ask a question he looks straight at me and it feels like his eyes are boring into me at times. Last week as I left the classroom I said goodbye to him and he gave me a lovely smile. A few days later. I passed him in the corridor. I said hi as we passed. He looked up and when he saw me he froze for about 5 seconds and mumbled a hello and walked on. I’m not sure whether he likes me or hates me.

VictorM's advice:

Anna, you are one silly woman. You're not sure if he likes you or hates you? Come on! What you described is a text book example of all the signs that a man likes a woman and is totally smitten with her. This guy likes you. This guy can't stop thinking about you. But I think you know that. You just wanted to get confirmation. Right?

But the question is, will he do anything about it? As long as you're his student, he might not. What you might detect from time to time is his torment as his feelings duel with his conscience. That's why once in a while you feel ignored. He's trying to hide, maybe even fight, his attraction to you.

You have all the power in the world to torment the poor man. Use that power wisely.

Tags: hot for teacher, college professor attraction, signs he likes

ada, 33, from asia, asks:

My boyfriend has two children with his ex-wife. He asks me few times if I am willing to have baby with him. What does it mean? I asked him if he loves me. His answer is that I love him more than he loves me. In what situation, a man want to have a child with a woman? Because he loves her very much? thanks!

VictorM's answer:

Fathering a child and being in love don't have to be tied in any way. And it doesn't even mean he'll be committed to that woman. Just look at his ex-wife.

Maybe he thinks it'll make you happy? Maybe he wants another child because he likes children? Maybe he wants another tax deduction? Maybe it's a sign of machismo? I really don't know his reason, but being a show of love is probably not it.

The way he answered your question about love leaves me with the impression he isn't exactly holding in a high pedestal. But maybe he's just a guy who has a difficult time expressing his love with words. Maybe it's an Asian thing, I don't know.

just me:) asks:

I seen this guy about a year ago and he hangs out where I hang out so I told my friend that I thought he was hot. One of his friends is dating a girl that my friend knows and I got my friend to tell her friend that I thought he was hot. I have always noticed him checking me out so I guess this girl might have told her boyfriend that I think this guy is hot. I see him all the time and now his friends always look at me. I was wondering how to tell if this guy is interested in me. Give me some signs to tell because I wanna know. Thanks a bunch .....and your site ROCKS :)

VictorM's advice:

The major sign is: does he change his behavior around you? If he's quiet, does he start talking when you arrive? If he's talking a lot, does he quiet down? Stuff like that.

His friends looking at you just means the word of what you think about their friend got around. Nothing more, nothing less.

And thanks for you kind words. You have good taste in web sites. :)

Tags: signs he likes me, he's hot

Trisha, 33, from South Pointe, PA asks:

I met a great guy thru a mutual friend, and we really seemed to hit it off. He emailed me everyday to say how much he thought of me. We only had a few dates. Then the emails became more sporadic but he still said things about how much he missed me, wants to see me, always thinking of me, etc. until now they have stopped. I know he is going thru a tough time personally right now and dealing with a lot of issues. I just found out that he told the mutual friend the chemistry wasn't there but I think there's more to the story. If there wasn't chemistry why would he have sent so many emails leading me to believe otherwise?

VictorM's answer:

So the guy met you and let's assume he felt the same way about you initially. He thinks you're a great girl. So the emails start. As days go on, he starts realizing that he's not as interested in emailing you as he was before. But, he thinks you're a great girl. So he pushes himself to write. He thinks to himself that maybe it's just a little phase and you're such a nice girl that it would be a shame not to try to make it work. So he tries. Eventually, he realizes that he's not into you and there's no point keep trying.

There was no intent to deceive you. He didn't lie. He just finally admitted something that took a while to sink in.

Tags: hit it off, emails stopped, no chemistry

Angela, 16, from Virginia, asks:

I really liked this guy or at least I thought I did. All I could think about was kissing him and lusting after him but I really thought I liked him. He's one grade below me and I try to catch his eye but I feel like one minute I like him and the next I don't. My heart and mind are telling me to turn the other way but his looks are pulling me back. When I first told him I liked him through one of his friends that friend said that he said I was ugly and said all of this bad stuff but every time I'm around he's staring me down and I'm so confused. I hate him/ I love him. Is it just his looks or do I have feelings for him? And today I found out he was going out with this girl in his class who was on my cheerleading team and I'm cool with her until today when I found out and I felt like hitting her. I haven't felt jealousy like that ever, I really don't get jealous. Is it just lust or could it be I really like him? Should I tell him how I feel and face him most likely laughing at me? Or should I just walk away?

VictorM's advice:

Walking away would be a mistake because you'd always wonder "what if". So don't do it.

Telling him how you feel would be a mistake because boys almost always lose interest when a girl spills the beans like that. So don't do it.

Ignore what people told you he said. Maybe he was joking, maybe he said it because he wasn't ready to admit he likes you, maybe the message was wrongly understood, maybe the person who told you likes you and wants you to stop liking him. So, don't listen to anyone else.

Don't be surprised by your love/lust question. Many times they come together and it's not until we know the other person a little better that we figure out our true feelings. You definitely are intrigued by him. He catches your attention and that's all that matters.

It's nice of you to admit how you feel about the other girl he's seeing. That sense of envy is natural and I commend you for being honest with yourself and admitting it. But I'm sure you'd never harm the girl. Right? Right!

So, basically, you're a 100% normal teenager with a crush on a boy and envious of the one girl getting his attention. Welcome to the world of normal people. If it's any consolation, I'd like t kick Liev Schreiber in the nuts. (If you don't know him, he's Naomi Watts' s boyfriend).

So, what to do? Be friendly with him. Smile. Say Hi. Compliment him. Make him feel smart around you. And who knows... he may be feeling the same love/lust for you, if not now, over time.

Tags: love or lust, he has a girlfriend, walk away, tell him how I feel, jealousy

Jessie, 16, from Indiana asks:

I really like this guy. Turned out he liked me back but wanted to get to know me better first. We went out a couple of times, but we never could talk. We always both got nervous and then all of a sudden he won't talk to me. He told my best friend that he only liked me as a friend but is telling his best friend other things. I still catch him looking at me sometimes. How do I talk to him and get him interested again?

VictorM's advice:

If you couldn't talk before what makes you think you'll be able to talk now? But if you want to try again, make sure to ask him open ended questions about things that he knows well and is passionate about. Make him feel smart and he'll never stop talking. And don't be afraid to talk about the things you love. Chances are he'll enjoy hearing about them.

But also remember that how two people share silence says more about how they relate to each other than when they make noise.

Mary, 19, from Michigan, asks:

I started a new job recently (two months ago) and ever since I have started working there my coworker (from a different department), Jake has caught my eye. He comes into the restaurant, where I work everyday. (He has for years)... problem? I am generally a very chatty person, but around him I freeze up. What are some good topics to talk about that aren't too awkward? Is there any way to let him know my feelings without embarrassing myself if they aren't reciprocated? I have learnt quite a bit about him through questions, and each thing I learn seems to ignite my passions all the more. I have never liked (or lusted more appropriately) someone more in my life. I know these questions seem incredibly silly, but ... I'm curious, is there any solution to my dilemma?

VictorM's advice:

The best topics to talk to a guy about are the ones he either knows a lot and/or is very passionate about. Find out what makes him tick and bring that subject up. Guys love to show off when they feel confident about a topic.

But do NOT let him know about your feelings. More often than not that backfires. You need to make a guy curious about your feelings while making him enjoy your company. Guys love the chase. They love to brag about how they seduced you. If you let on that you like him, you take away the challenge.

To spend more time with him without giving away your feelings, present him with situations where he will ask you out. For example, if you know this guy likes British comedies, say you'd love to go see the movie Hot Fuzz but none of your friends want to go and you hate to go alone. Let him offer to take you. If he does, great! If he doesn't, there's no rejection.


Tags: topics to talk to a guy, freeze up around him, let him know my feelings

keristen, 14, from texas asks:

I really like this guy but how do I make him like me or get him jealous?

VictorM's advice:

What's with you Texans wanting A by focusing on B? :) No, do not try to make him jealous, that's a big mistake.

You really can't make a guy like you, what you can do is give yourself a better chance by hoping he enjoys your company and feels smart, important, sexy around you. You do that by making nice compliments, eye contact, smiling, and giving him, not other boys, your attention.

Tags: how do I make him, get him jealous

Anon asks:

I never have relationship problems. Talking to guys comes easy for me, and I'm always getting hit on. But recently I met this guy, and he is kind of a player--so to speak. Just about everyone I know wants this guy. He acts interested in me, but I know I'm not the only girl he thinks about [if he even does think about me.] He says hi when he sees me and gets a friendly smile, but he never goes out of his way to hang out. We hung out a few times, but it was always with other people. We don't talk on the phone ever, and we've never had a serious conversation. I really don't know how he feels about me. I don't know what it is about him, but I can't get him off my mind. How can you tell if a guy is really into you, or if he's just messing around? It's driving me crazy... is it really that obvious when a guy wants you? I understand that if he doesn't try then he's probably not interested.. but aren't some guys just like that? I don't know. I really need to just hear the truth.

VictorM's advice:

Welcome to the world of crushes.

There's a good chance he's interested in a lot of girls but not settling on one yet. This means you have as good a chance as anybody else.

You can't easily tell is a guy likes you, specially if he's not sure himself. But on the other hand, you can't assume that just because a guy doesn't try he's not interested. That's not true at all. Quite often guys avoid showing a girl they like her for fear of being rejected. So don't rule yourself out.

Continue to talk to him, try to hang out when others are not around, be friendly, smile, and compliment him here and there on small things ("nice haircut, John" "love the shirt, John, is it new?", etc.) the more comfortable he's around you, the better your odds.

MO, 26, from Florida asks:

My boyfriend of two years has a friend who is a girl who he calls every single day and talks to her for hours at a time. She's in love with him and sent him text messages about her feelings and how she can't wait to see him. She lives in MI. Anyway, when I approached him about the issue he said they're just friends. So why won't he leave me alone after I said we should break it off so he could decide what he wants. But yet every night they must speak or it's like the end of the world for him.

VictorM's advice:

Ultimatums are generally a bad idea. A much better idea is for you to express your feelings about the situation without pointing any accusatory fingers. Stick to what you feel about the his calls to her. If it makes you jealous, say so. If you don't like it, so say. If you wish for him to pay much less attention to her, say so. By doing this, you don't get into the finger pointing or accusations that may be false. Really, it does NOT matter what he thinks their relationship is; it matters how you feel about it. If he's not the type of guy to place your feelings above hers, then you clearly have the wrong guy.

The situation, as you describe, sounds odd. Your boyfriend is wrong to continue the friendship after her expressions of love for him and your displeasure. He's being unfair to you and to her.

I don't buy that this kind of behavior between them is pure friendship. He may not want to let you go because at least you're there and he can get physical satisfaction from you, but his inability or unwillingness to put some distance between himself and the girl is mighty dumb, even suspicious. It certainly casts doubt about how into you he is.

Try an experiment. Tell him you won't be seeing him for a while but you'd love to talk to him on the phone for hours. I'd be curious how receptive he would be to this suggestion.

Tags: female best friend, boyfriend calls girl, they're just friends

crazy, 14, from IL, asks:

I met my boyfriend about a month ago in a convo on messenger. I've never actually met him. Well, on Sunday, I asked him out and now all his friends (all guys) hate me. Before I asked him out they were really nice to me, but after I asked him out they have told me they are going to kill me and they've said they hate me. I'm just really confused.

VictorM's advice:

Call me crazy, crazy but that's just crazy. Sounds to me like you found a swarm of nutty, crazy teen boys. And if your boyfriend is part of that gang, well, he's not too sane either. Sounds like everyone in this question is crazy.

Turn off the insanity -- disconnect your computer, go outside, and make real friends.


Tags: crazy friends, online boyfriend, jealous friends

Jonah, 20, from Louisiana asks:

My girlfriend is having feelings for her ex and wants to see if there is still something there. We are in a break and I am leaving her alone by giving her the space. Is there still a chance for me?

VictorM's answer:

Very much so. In fact, you are much better off letting her resolve that part of her life. As long as she has some doubts, it's in your best interest that she removes them. The odds are that she will come back to you. Let's face it, there must be a reason why they are exes, and those reasons didn't vanish. She just needs to tie loose ends.

But could it also mean she's stuck on the guy and he's the one who doesn't want her? Very possible. In this case, you're "mister second best," but you'll be able to tell that if and when she comes back.

The fact that she's honest about it and you're open-minded about it suggests to me that whatever the outcome, it will be the best for you. If she stays with him, you're better off knowing that now; if she comes back, you'll have a more focused girlfriend.


Tags: feelings for ex

katie, 17, from arizona asks:

OK, my crush's best friend sent me an email asking me totally out of the blue if I liked his friend. When the 'friend' called and I said 'maybe' he said my crush didn't ask him to ask me but he was just curious... He now says he is gonna hint to his friend for me...but I am really nervous....what do I do and what does this mean?

VictorM's answer:

It's highly unlikely that his friend asked about your feelings without your crush having mentioned that he liked you. Chances are they are a tag meeting working together to find out if it's safe for your crush to jump in the water. So, I think your crush likes you.

Your "maybe" answer was good. Now the question is, does he have the balls to ask you? I can't answer that but you could encourage him a bit with smiles, saying hi to him, and doing the girly flirting that most of you are so good at.

But be prepared to find out that your crush is crushing on you too. So practice your answer: "Yes! I want to be your girlfriend, I want to have your babies, I want to go to the prom with you".


Tags: crush, friend

shayla, 38, from canada asks:

I met this guy online. We have everything in common. We know what the other is thinking. Recently he pulled back because he is scared to be hurt. But last time we talked, he let me know that recently he looked into vasectomy reversal and that he was scared to tell me he couldn't have kids. Is that a good sign?

VictorM's answer:

Reversing a vasectomy clearly is a sign he's not into you just for the sex. I assume you have indicated your willingness or desire to have children and he doesn't want to disappoint you. And he was worried about how you'd take the news. These are indeed all good signs.

But before you go building castles in the air, have you met him yet? Have you smelled him? Does he wear socks with holes in them? Does he change is underwear less often than Donald Trump gets a haircut? There are lots of things that can be wrong with a guy even if he knows what you're thinking. (Please read this previous Question and Answer: Online Relationships: Good or Bad?)

Also, if he's scared to be hurt -- not uncommon if a previous relationship didn't end well -- it could mean that he's carrying baggage that you will have to deal with and may even have to pay for.

I'm not telling you to back off from this relationship, not at all; I'm just warning you to proceed with caution.

Tags: online relationship, afraid to be hurt, guy online

ANDREA, 39, from CENTRAL WEST JERSEY, says:

Hi Victor, I feel at this point I should be using your name. Well, I have great news! I have landed my country boy! You have been so on the money during this whole situation and your last response was dead on! He and I had discussed that very issue and I knew their were some issues in that dept. Well, after sat night, he has nothing to worry about, he definitely stepped it up (I must admit, I was determined to make it easy for him) and I think we were both more than ready to make the next move. We're not buying matching John Deere tractors yet, but we've moved on to the next level. So Victor, it's been great communicating with you and unless he gets weird and possessive, I think I can handle it from here. Thanks for all your advise.

VictorM's comment:

Holy crap! I got one right? :)

Thanks for the feedback and best of luck to you.

Amy, 33, from USA, asks:

I have been seeing this guy for eight months, and we have a great time together. He used to tell me that he loved me and that he eventually wanted to get married. Two months after we started seeing each other, I had a little angry outburst at him, but we talked it out and everything has been fine since, although he has not told me that he loves me since then. Recently, I had another outburst (I get frustrated and angry-nothing to do with him, but it all comes out at once)(it has only happened twice in eight months, and it is something I am working on), and he says that he needs time to think about what he wants out of the relationship. Otherwise, we get along great and never fight. Should I be worried that he is going to end it? Is it a typical, "i'm not sure how to deal with this" reaction, and after he has some down time he will not think it's a huge deal? Should I call him just to say "hey, what's up?" or let him call me first? What are your thoughts on the situation? Thank you.

VictorM's advice:

When two people start seeing each other, they are scoping the other one out. Sometimes, unfair as it seems, the smallest thing can be a turn off about the other. And quite often, when one ceases to be into the other, anything provides an exit.

Is this how this guy is feeling about you? Quite possibly. To you they were just two outbursts, but to him it could very well be a personality trait he doesn't like. If indeed this is what happened, he's not longer into you and you're history. Don't expect him to come out and say it, though -- guys seldom say exactly what they're thinking. What's more likely is that he'll gradually stay away from you.

But it's also possible that once he gets over being stung by your outburst he will come around as if nothing happened. And that's how you will be able to tell. If he's his old self, all is fine. If he seems a little distant, or makes excuses, you are history; it's just a matter of time.

Yes, you should call him. Show him that you're into him, just in case he's doubting how you feel about him. Talk as if nothing is wrong and take it from there.


Tags: Relationship Advice, outburst, needs time to think, going to end it, Should I call him

macy, 15, asks:

What makes a guy start liking a girl?

VictorM's answer:

Boobies!

(Sorry, I was just channeling the 40 Year Old Virgin).

It's not what you think. It's not makeup, clothes, popularity, weight, hair color, etc. While those things commonly catch a guy's attention, they are not what keeps his attention. Guys will start liking and stay liking you if they like themselves when they are around you.

So, make a guy feel sexy, smart, important around you, and you'll have him eating out of the palm of your hand. And the easiest thing to start with? A simple, sincere compliment. "John, nice haircut", "Joe, love the shirt", "Tim, your bulge is making my mouth water"... er... OK, strike that last one.

Oh, and use his name. Don't just say "Hi", say "Hi, Jim". When a girl uses the guy's name, it tickles him in ways that makes it hard for him to ignore her. Got that, Macy?


Tags: guy like girl

Noelle, 17, asks:

I have this friend who I used to like but I don't like anymore because of some stuff that has happened in the past and most recently the way that he talked to me in an email and on the phone. He said I was pushy at times, possessive at times, self conscious, and said that we both weren't ready for a relationship yet. I talked to him and he explained what he meant and basically he took two things that I said to him and that's what made me those things. I told him he was labeling me and he told me he was just describing my behavior. In the email he also said that he didn't want to be tied down but that if he was to be with any girl it would be me. I told him I wasn't sure whether I want to be friends with him or not anymore and that I definitely didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore. But we sort of worked it out and are still friends. But when I think about it I wonder if I should still be friends with him, should I?

VictorM's advice:

I can understand you not wanting to be his girlfriend, but even if he's dead wrong, calling you pushy and possessive are hardly insults. Of course you can choose your friends based on any criteria and if he doesn't measure up, end the friendship. But before you do, consider this: it's not so bad to have a friend who his willing to be honest and direct with you, even if you disagree. His willingness to be straight forward with you is a quality worth considering having on a friend.

Now its my turn to surmise someting from what you wrote. You sound too sensitive. As I said, his observations were hardly insults. So unless there's more to it that you didn't say, you need to develop some skin.


Tags: Choosing friends, pushy and possessive, friendship

Madison, 14, from Kapaa, asks:

hey vic! It's me again (haha) well so how should I ask my friend out? I really like him but I don't know what to say...help me please...

VictorM's advice:

Hey, a repeat "customer". :)

Well, this is actually easier than it seems because I don't suggest you actually ask him out on a date or to be your boyfriend. What I suggest is that you talk in such a way to encourage him to ask you.

You need to find out -- if you don't already know -- what are the things that he either loves to do, or knows a lot about. Then, let me give you an example how to go about it. Let's say he loves soccer. If you know nothing or little about soccer, mention to him you'd love to go to a game (or watch one on TV) but you don't understand the sport and you'd prefer to go with someone that could explain things to you. I promise you, if you ask him to show-off about something he knows a lot about, he will volunteer to take you.

All you have to do is use what you know about him and follow this approach. The good thing is, this way you never get rejected, you aren't too clear about your intentions (and this is a good thing; telling a boy you like him is too often the kiss of death), and you get to spend time with him. As you spend more time with him, all kinds of fireworks are bound to happen. So, find out something he knows a lot about, show interest in it, and if possible, look for a situation where you two can be alone.

Don't limit yourself about what you could use to spend time with him. Your options are many: homework, a video game, a certain movie he loves but you didn't quite get, lots of things.

Now use your imagination and detective skills and go get him!



Tags: Relationship Advice, How to ask a guy, Asking a guy

Crissy, 15, from South Dakota, asks:

Okay, So I really like this guy. I am just about the worst person ever with understanding guys, and I'm really shy. There is this guy I'm crushing on, my friends tell me that he likes me. But I don't know... Ahh help? <3 :]

VictorM's advice:

Don't trust your friends, they give the worst advice. Besides, they know jack! Teenage boys have wondering eyes and they often appear to like someone a lot, but they could like many someones at the same time.

You're shy but you don't have to do too much: smile and engage in friendly conversation without appearing too eager. Don't shy away from being in situations where you're alone with him and you two can talk freely. If he likes you, he'll chase you, he'll want to be around you.

Walnut, 28, from New Zealand asks:

Hi Victor,

My boyfriend broke up with me at my 21-weeks pregnancy. He said he wasn't interested in me any more. He said I couldn't turn him on and this issue has been on before my pregnancy. I suggested that we can go to sexual therapy, but he said he didn't believe in it. I sat down and thought about this. Our relationship got tough a few months ago, since he was really busy at work and didn't spend time with me. I was unhappy about that and fought with him a few times. Our sexual relationship turned around since then. We moved together in the hope that we could be with each other more. But he was still busy with his work. When he came back, he was so tried and didn't bother to interactive with me. He watched movies all evening in the week days. In the weekend, he chatted on internet till the next day morning. I found out he cheated with other ladies and told them he's single. He accepted he "watch" them and he has been doing that long before we met. I was very upset. I fought with him a few times about this, but he refused to change this behaviour. I think our break up is because he couldn't get satisfaction from me, so he turned back to internet chatting things. This worsened our relationship. I felt more unhappy, we didn't sexually satisfy each other. He then totally relied on internet and broke up with me. Victor, I know that chatting thing is not a crime, but I just couldn't accept it in our relationship. Plus I hate that he's home with me, but I did know where his mind has gone. Is there any thing I can do to fix our relationship? (he refused to go to counselling with me as well)

Mum to be, Walnut

VictorM's advice:

Yes, there's something you can try -- you can leave him alone! Stop bugging him, fighting with him, and giving him grief.

Becoming a father is very stressful. My guess is he just can't handle the stress and you're making things worse and pushing him away. On the internet women don't give him a hard time. So it's no surprise he prefers them over your company.

Yes, it would be nice if he was able to handle the pressure, but he can't. Deal with it better and you'll benefit. Make him enjoy being around you. If you don't have the patience to do it, your relationship will die.


Tags: Relationship Advice, Growing Apart

brittany, 13, from missouri, asks:

okay I like this guy named Cheyanne a lot but I'm going out with this Justin that I don't like that much and I don't think I should. He's a little too old for me (he's 16) in my point of view and is not that attractive but he's nice but all he can talk about is how hot I am but then Cheyanne doesn't tell me, he shows me. I'm confused that if I dump Justin and go with Chey, Chey will say no and I will end up with nothing. Please think about my situation before replying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

VictorM's advice:

Brittany, I thought about your question for days, I racked my brained day and night, consulted the Pope and Dear Abby, phoned Dr. Phil, and as if that wasn't enough, I checked in with the owner of the universe, Oprah. And here's the answer:

Dump Justin. Even if Cheyanne says no, you do not wind up with nothing, you wind up free to find a guy closer to your age who thinks you're more than just hot. So free yourself from Justin to open the doors to all kinds of better possibilities.


Tags: Relationship Advice, Dumping Boyfriend, Dating Advice

Tammy, 35, from home, asks:

What are the signs that a man gives me if he likes me? How do I know if he does or not if he won't tell me. What would the signs be?

VictorM's answer:

Changed behavior around you. Does he get more talkative, or more quiet, or shyer, or more hyper when you arrive on the scene? That's how you tell.

Labels: signs he likes you

Tammy, 34, from Phoenix, asks:

Can you please tell me if it is normal for my fiance (who is 33) to view teen (as in 18 years old, not younger) pornography. He also views older than 18 years, which is not a problem for me. I enjoy a little bit of porn also. He does not know that I know he has viewed 18 and 19 year olds. This bothers me that they are so young looking! A site he goes to is babysitters.com. I think it is disgusting. How do I get past this? I cannot let him know that I found this info on his computer. Thank you for your opinion

VictorM's advice:

Tammy, get a grip. 18-year-olds are adults! Your fiance's behavior is totally normal. Why do you think two of the most popular franchises in porn are "Barely Legal" and "Girls Gone Wild" (which is mostly college age girls)?

Porn is mostly about fantasy. Come on, guys want to fantasize with girls at their best, and the college age years (18 to 23) are the best for physical looks -- boobs are perkier, skin is tighter, and there's an aura of innocence, which fits with most fantasies.

If you're OK with porn, there should be nothing disgusting about legal age teens. Stop acting like an old fart.

But I'm puzzled about the site you mentioned -- it's not porn!

Labels: babysitter, fiance, porn

Madison, 14, from kapaa, asks:

Ok.So I really like my friend. I told his sister that i like him and she said he likes me back. Then, i told his sister to tell him that i also like him. Then one time, we were playing truth or dare. I asked him who he liked and he said "you haha nah just joking." so then he asked me who i liked and i said "you". SO then we sat there 4 10 awkward minutes. So then whenever im around him, it seems like hes flirting with me. He knows i like him and i know he likes me, so why doesnt he ask me out?does he just not like me anymore? HELP PLEASE!

VictorM's answer:

Of course he likes you but now that he knows you like him, and he's sure you'd say yes if he asked you out, it's not as much fun anymore. Guys like a challenge. You're not one to him.

So... next time, don't tell anybody, much less his big-mouth sister, that you like a guy. For now, ask him out yourself. You've got nothing to lose.

Labels: asking a guy out, likes a friend

JC, 18, from Virginny, asks:

Hela Vic! Ok. Sophomore year of HS I met a guy during the drama musical who was a senior. I developed a crush on him, and he on me. Because I was 16 at the time, I went on my very-first-ever date with him to the movies. And nothing happened. In fact, I forgot he was there. :/ After that, he still liked me and made suggestions about a second date. I made vague replies and escaped, not liking him as I did before. The year ended and I didn't really see him again, and thought nothing of it. A YEAR later I get a call from his best friend on my machine, saying how Todd, the guy, still liked me, and thought about me often. Right after that message was one from Todd himself, verifying it all. I called him, set up a date for the three of us. I was surprised, a little worried. Date went OK, but Todd didn't say much, mostly just the friend and I, though we both tried to get him to talk. Months pass and nothing happens, and then the friend messages me again, setting up surprise thing for Todd where I'd show up at the movies with he and friends. I go, it's fun, halfway through Todd takes his friend out and talks for a long time, then the friend takes me out and talks, basically telling me that Todd's uber shy, likes me, but doesn't know how I feel. Well, I really don't know Todd all that well, but I think that I could like him. I'd like to be better friends and then see what happens. I don't want to hurt Todd or lead him on, and I feel a little bad because from the outset I have a small crush on his friend. Again, I DO NOT want to hurt him. Then Todd was set to join the USAF- he was supposed to call me before, so we could go on a date, hang out, whatever. He never did. And most of the likage-chance disappeared because he, while shy, never actually contacted me, and he had a long time in which to do it. And so, long winded explanation aside, my question is this- did I do right? Should I have put more promise into the budding relationship? And why in the world did it take a year for him to say something? Do you think I'll get another call in a few months from him? I know he's shy but geeze.. any input would be great, thanks!

VictorM's advice:

Let's see... you went to the movies with the guy and forgot he was there... you made "vague replies and escaped, not liking him as I did before"... you made yourself available to dates but he didn't call. Frankly, why are you even bothering with this guy? He's super shy. That's HIS problem, not yours.

I think your desire for a friendship is really just pity. You feel bad for the guy so you are willing to fool yourself that you "think you might like" a guy you tried to "escape" from before. Come on, JC, you gave him enough chances even when you're not into the guy.

Forget wondering if he's going to call you again. I don't think shyness is his problem. Indecision is. Too bad. Don't wait for a guy like him or your life will pass you by.

Labels: shy guy, shyness

Ashley, 19, from Florida, asks:

My ex and I were together for almost 4 years. We have 2 kids together and he just broke up with me the other day and he said because I am a slob, that I didn't keep the house clean and he was tired of it. I want him back so bad. I love him with all my heart. We both are staying at his parents right now and every night I cry myself to sleep. I don't know what to do. When I try and talk to him he seems to get mad. I don't know what to do to show and let him know I can change. Every time I see him I can't help but cry. Please help me.

VictorM's advice:

Your crying and needy attitude is only making things worse. If he's turned off by you, that behavior will only turn him off even more.

Is the problem that you're a slob? Have you become one only recently? I doubt it. Chances are that you are now the way you have been for years. When he was into you it didn't matter. Now that he's not into you, anything he can blame you for, he will. Don't get me wrong, if you are a slob by all means try to change, but I doubt that is the only reason for him breaking-up with you.

My advice to you is easier said than done, I know, but then again, making relationships work is not easy at all. So, stop chasing him, stop crying, and stop being needy. Be a good mom, dress neatly, comb your hair, clean the house, take care of yourself, make friends, help his parents around the house, and as you show more maturity and confidence, there's a much better chance that he will look at you in a different light.

And please, in the process, don't nag him. He's a father of 2 at a very young age, he's probably stressed and can't handle the situation, hence lashing out at you. If you make it so that being around you is fun, not stressful, that will also improve your odds.

Labels: i can change, love him with all my heart, slob

Lindsey, 13, from Ohio asks:

Hey VictorM. I have this kind of situation. I have a gifted class w/an acquaintance, and recently my teach moved our seats so now I sit next to him. After awhile, I got to know him, we became friends, and I really really like him. I've had this note in my pocket now for like almost two months, but I just can't get the courage up to ask him out. He's showing all the signs that he most likely DOES like me, but I don't know what to do! I really really like him, I would really love to have more that just a friendship relationship w/him....what do I do now!?!?!?!?!?! Pleas PLEASE help me out here!

VictorM's advice:

Do NOT give him that note! That will be the quickest way for him to lose interest in you. Let me explain why.

Guys like to feel a sense of conquest. If you confess your feelings for him, he'll lose interest in you and will feel that if you like him, others will too, so he starts looking around instead of focusing on you.

What you do is keep your feelings to yourself but encourage him to do the chasing. For example, if you're going to see a movie this weekend, mention it to him. You can even say, why don't you come along? Doing these things, that is, inviting him to where you are going to be, you get to judge whether he really likes you or not (based on whether he shows up or not), but you leave it up to him to make the next move.

Labels: really like him, shyness

TK, 34, from California asks:

I met a guy online. He's 36, separated from his wife of 7 years--divorce will be final in May. I told him I don't usually date separated guys (big red flag for me) and he proceeded to campaign on his behalf for why it's totally safe to date him. So I did. We hit it off like crazy. Went out four times in one week. He even joined me at a family BBQ and met my parents and brother. Then, he went away on a business trip (he travels VERY frequently for his job). He called me or sent text messages all week. Ten minutes after he left sent a message telling me he missed me already...Then by Friday (he left on Monday) I got a weird vibe. We were supposed to get together when he got back Sunday, and he blew it off saying he was sick, which I could hear in his voice he was. Anyways, he TOTALLY cooled off, and for no apparent reason. When I called him on it, he brushed it off. Then I emailed him asking what the story was and he said he thought I was looking for more of a commitment than he was at this point, his one mistake with his ex-wife was that he had rushed into things too quickly and that was his only regret in life (they met and married in a year). He said he wanted to date other people, and I told him that's fine--I wasn't expecting a commitment after two weeks. He expressed how much he likes me and how much he enjoys our time together and if it's fine with me to date casually, then he's into it. That was three weeks ago, and he's made no effort to ask me out again. What's the deal? He was definitely more the gung ho one when this first started, so I'm totally confused. Did he just freak out? I gave him every opportunity to be upfront with me, but apparently he wasn't? Is this a done deal?

VictorM's answer:

Short answer: Yes, it's a done deal. He's not into you anymore. He won't come out and say it, but that's what's going on.

Now for a little longer explanation.

I believe he was sincere when he was into you. I believe he was sincere when he said he just wanted to slow things down. But then he totally disconnected from you. Was he lying? I don't think so. Guys like him aren't deep thinkers or self-analyzers. They react to what they are feeling now. When he said he wanted to continue seeing you, he didn't even realize himself that he really was over you. Once you agreed to back-off, he also realized he can go days, weeks, a lifetime, without you. He will move on to the next girl, where he will get a big jolt of excitement in the beginning, and just like with his ex-wife and you, he will move on after a while.

You're a lucky one, actually. Take solace in knowing that you are the type of woman that can excite a man that much, and that he's the one who is defective. You, meanwhile, should learn something: when a guy is saying he's missing you after 10 minutes, he's just being an idiot. Forget the expectations of romance a la silly romantic love novel. Nothing has hurt western style romance expectations more than those damn novels.

Look in the mirror, smile, and thank your lucky stars he's gone from your life; he would never have had the lasting power to make you happy.

Labels: casual dating, needs space, wants to date others

Michelle pollard, 18, from Cincinnati oh, asks:

How can I make my baby's father wanna be in a faithful and trustworthy relationship?

VictorM's answer:

You can't. You simply can't. No magic wand, no voodoo doll, no vice around his testicles will make him be faithful unless it comes from him to want to be that way.

One thing I hope you understand is that your baby's father behavior is all of his doing, none of yours. It won't matter if you change your clothes, go on a diet, cook better... nothing. When a guy is bent on cheating, he will do so first and think of excuses later. It's a reflection of his value system, his desires, his lack of willpower, his selfishness... it's all about "me, me, me" for such people. It's greed, and greed comes from within.

So whatever you do, do not blame yourself. Make sure you get child support. Other than that... don't count on much from him.

Labels: cheating, faithful, trustworthy

Bek, 14, from TX, asks:

My cousin and I have been REALLY close since we 1st met when I was 3. Now, she's 15, and has a boyfriend. Thing is, he used to...and still does, like me. Since they've been going out, he's flirted with me non-stop. They were both thinkin about breaking up because they hadn't really talked to each other since they started going out, but Wednesday, he barely talked to her and she was freaking out saying that she didn't wanna break up with him now. After a while, they worked things out....but I wasn't happy. I had been hoping that they would go ahead and break up. I'm thinking, either I'm jealous of her, or I'm pissed because she always talks about her boyfriend. What in the world am I gonna do? I don't even feel like I wanna be around her...or her boyfriend because of the simple fact that both of us might start flirting......:S

VictorM's advice:

You're jealous of her. That's an intuitive reaction that you can't help feeling. It's understandable why you feel the way you do. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to fight what you do about it. If you and her are so close, you should try to rise above your selfish feelings and focus on her happiness.

For now, try to keep a little distance from her, specially if he's going to be around. The odds are you won't have to do this that long because sooner rather than later they will break-up. After all, a guy who flirts as much as he does isn't going to stick with one girl too long. And they have already been on the ropes.

Bottom line: don't think just of yourself; that's not what good friends do.

Labels: best friends, break-up, jealousy

Kandace, 15, from Barrie asks:

I know this guy(Mark) since last summer and he's 18 and we started liking each other instantly but my sister liked him too and she was only a year younger then him so he decided since our families knew each other it would be easier for them to date instead of us considering the age difference. So I got involved in a bad relationship with some guy and then Mark tried to make me get out of it cause the guy was hurting me and stuff so mark wanted to protect me and then him and my sister broke up and she was always jealous of me and then at Christmas me and him were talking and decided we wanted to date but we needed to hang out more again to see how we made each other feel. But a lot of things happened in his life and he always kept ditching me and then I got pissed because I wanna help him through it. And now he has a girlfriend and he told me he is dumping her and today he kept coming near me and touching my butt and telling me he wants a hug and stuff and I don't know what to do. He's going to a college in Hamilton in September and I'm afraid I'll lose him but he gets bored easily by girlfriends and I'm nervous that he would just leave me like every other girl. He gets mad when girls are even the slightest bit emotional. I don't understand him.. please help

VictorM's advice:

You are asking for too much trouble if you want to be with him. Face it, he's going to college and there will be lots of girls there. Even before leaving he already chose another over you. Besides, he was your sister's boyfriend and she was jealous. You'd only be inviting problems with her anyway.

He tells you he's dumping her but he's probably lying; my guess is that at 15 you're probably developing physically rather nicely and he'd like a piece of that. Once he gets it, you'll be yesterday's news.

He's had problems in life but Kandace, despite your good intentions, you can't help him . You help best by staying away and letting him finding his own way. And he will.

You should stay away from him and have a good relationship with you sister. And next time you have a boyfriend that hurts you, leave him. You shouldn't need anyone else's help to do that (unless you're just trying to get attention, which I think is what you were doing). But being a victim is not sexy or appealing. Being strong and decisive, on the other hand, is a turn-on.

Labels: going to college, has a girlfriend