Jackie, 27, from Atlanta, GA asks:

I am in a situation with a man that I would really like some advice on.

I have gone out with this man a few times and had an outstanding time. He is really easy to be with and there has never been any awkwardness between us. We chat, laugh, cut up, tease and flirt with each other like we've known each other forever.

The last time I saw him I had been out on a girls' night with some friends. He and some other guys were invited to meet up with us later that night which was around midnight. By the time he arrived I had had way too much to drink and though I greeted him (pinned a little St. Patty's pin on his shirt so he could be as festive as the rest of us), I continued to party with my girlfriends and chat with one of the other guys who is a good friend of mine that I have known for years. I have no interest in this friend, but later that evening my guy (jokingly) stated that he was feeling ignored and jealous of the other guy. I was too intoxicated at this point to think straight enough to assure him that I was in no way interested in this guy and that he was the only one I had eyes for in that way. I also did not take it super seriously because he said it in such a way that it seemed he was just teasing me about it a bit. I now think that mentioning it in a joking manner was his way of disguising his insecurity. There was also an episode later that night where he was kissing me and someone was taking our picture while we kissed so I stopped him because I felt uncomfortable with everyone seeing us and snapping photos (I didn't explain the why to him I just pulled away and told him to behave).

A few days later a mutual friend of ours (my girlfriend who actually was the one who set us up to meet several months ago) told me that he told her a few days after that night that he feels that I am not that into him, mainly because I spent so much time chatting extensively with my guy friend instead of with him and that he felt ignored and neglected by me that night. I'm also sure the fact that I stopped the kissing confused him as well. I have spoken to him one time since this night and he was friendly but much cooler than usual and he has not asked for any other dates.

I know that this is partially my fault in that I was intoxicated and partying hard by the time he arrived and did not stop to pay him much attention (he was of course sober and in an entirely different mood than I, preferring to sit and chat with the less drunken of the group while I danced the night away with the other wasted people). Despite what he seems to think, this is not because I am not interested in him and I wish to convey that to him, but am afraid that he has cooled off completely and that my efforts would be no good. On the other hand, if he is still interested but is not calling only because he thinks that I'm not interested then I'm afraid that if I back off and act nonchalantly that that would only further his belief that I don't like him. Would something like this totally ruin my chances with this guy or would calling him for a friendly chat to let him know that I'm thinking about him be a good idea? I would definitely like to continue dating and getting to know this man but am afraid of his now rejecting me or of making matters worse by pushing the issue.

What do you think?

VictorM's advice:

His reaction is predictable and understandable. You acted like a dick. :-P But the good news is that guys get out of these insecure moods as easily as they get into them.

I would advise you to NOT talk about that night again. The less that night comes up the better. All you need to do is show him now that you want him. Yes, call him. Tell him you're thinking of him. Tell him you miss him. Tell him you want to see him. He just needs a few signs of encouragement that you're into him. Once that happens, all will be forgotten.

There are two reasons why I say you shouldn't talk about that night: One, you don't want that night to be in his mind. Even if you mean to explain your behavior, you'll just manage to make him relive being ignored. Not a good idea. Two, it's important going forward that he understand that although you're very much into him, you do have other friends and you like their company. Train him to accept you having fun with your friends rather than him training you to be walking on eggs when you're out in the company of others.

One last thing: there's nothing, NOTHING sexy or exciting about an overly intoxicated girl. If you can't be fun and have fun without drinking excessively, you'll be a sorry ass companion. That could be weighting on his mind more than anything else. Really, the "let's go out and get bombed" stage is so immature. Think about it.

Labels: cooled off, too intoxicated

Monica, 16, from Arkansas, asks:

I am dating this guy and I really Really REALLY like him but he told me straight up that he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend but she is dating someone else and he says that his feelings for her MIGHT go away. What should I do?? PLZ HELP!!!!!

VictorM's advice:

You should do two things: one, thank your lucky stars that you found a guy who is honest -- you have no idea how lucky you are; two, continue to really, really like him and be the best girlfriend you can be.

It is very normal for him to feel this way about his ex. If nothing else, it shows he's capable of forming an emotional attachment to a girl -- that's good. At your age, getting over an ex happens often and very quickly. So, don't give him a hard time about his feelings for her. Be fun, pleasant, understanding, etc. -- it will be the best remedy to erase her from his life.

Labels: has feeling for ex, really like him

andrea, 39, from central west jersey asks:

First I have to admit how much I enjoy reading your responses, your wit is entertaining. I, on the other hand, have made no progress with my country boy. I previously commented on how my country boy has no game, well, as it turns out, I also have no game whatsoever. He still comes over every time I ask him, yes I still send him home w/left overs (it's a Spanish thing) but I have at least incorporated major cleavage, smelling good, biting the lip and low lighting into my routine, I'm working on the sitting close to him part. I'm trying to set his pants on fire but it has proven to be easier said than done. We talk a lot and he is really open about himself. He admits he's insecure, a people pleaser and has no confidence-as I write I think, what am I doing? But like I've said before, he's really funny and that has me acting really stupid. We talk a lot in general terms about being single people and what we're into, but I can't get a read on if he even considers me an option. Sometimes I think he wants a relationship but then he'll say he wants to get laid without the hassle of a relationship but then he says he doesn't just want to get laid but to have someone with him. And because we work together I am moving at a snails pace already. Unlike him, I'm not as open about my insecurities and come off as pretty confident and secure. He's a sensitive guy and he said that I'm a sensitive person but that I'm two extremes, "don't hurt Andrea's feeling because she will rip your face off!" he was joking but was definitely right on. We laughed about it, wish I could say that's the first time I've heard that one. His childhood has a lot to do with why he is how he is, he had a bad divorce (15 years ago) and most of his women have cheated on him, so he definitely has some negative feelings towards women. I really try to keep your advise in mind, like making sure he feels good around me. I encourage him that he is good looking, has a house, a job, a relationship with his kids, etc. And he does act differently around me, like caring how he looks and just trying to step it up in subtle ways. I don't know if either one of us knows what we want, I do want to make a move but I do hold back, I don't know if the work thing is something he worries about or maybe he's just not into me besides hanging out at my house. He doesn't have a major social life as I do, so is he coming over because he doesn't have anything else going on? I tend to think that if he wasn't interested he wouldn't come over at all, why bother? Like you've said, he has a TV and food at his house. I realize I have baggage too, but I really do like this guy. Even if nothing happens romantically, he and I will definitely be friends, his humor has me hooked. As a woman, I think if I made a move on him, he would probably blow his load right there, but I may freak him out. Help, this is the 3rd time I am writing to you and maybe if it hasn't happened yet it isn't meant to be. I appreciate your input.

VictorM's advice:

You are Spanish (or Hispanic), you're trying to set his pants on fire and this guy can resist you? Does he have a pulse!? Is he, a robot? Damn, I don't understand how he manages. :)

But Andrea, I totally understand why he's acting as he does. For a moment, forget about what you want. From his point of you, really, why should things change between you two? He has your company when he feels like it, he gets yummy leftovers to boot (what, arroz con pollo? My mouth is watering just thinking about it). You're comfortable to be with and he feels safe with you. So why change? For sex? Sure, that would be nice, but as he said, that carries a price he doesn't seem willing to pay (namely a relationship and commitment). He's been wounded several times, so I don't blame him for being defensive. He was married for a long time; getting over it is not easy.

It boils down to you either accepting this snail's pace, understanding that nothing may ever happen, or you make a move and either he blows his load and wants more of you, or he stops coming around. No matter what the consequences, at least you would get a resolution. It's not an easy choice, is it? But the status quo isn't getting you anywhere.

Something else I would like you to consider. If he was married for 15 years and had women who have cheated on him, he may feel very inadequate sexually. This may be the main reason he doesn't want to take that step, and so everything else is just an excuse. As long as you're just friends he enjoys your company but doesn't have to face his sexual shortcomings. This is not that far fetched a possibility considering his experiences with women, his age, and I wouldn't be surprised if you come across as sexually intimidating to him, which scares him even more. I don't know if this was ever a topic of conversation between you two, but it's a topic worth pursuing. The bottom line is that in this day and age of Viagra, this need not be a problem. You should at least to remove this from the list of possible problems.

PS. Thanks for your kind words.

Labels: friends only, no commitment, people-pleaser

janet, 20, from Ne, asks:

I have been with my current ex boyfriend for 5 years back and forth. I left him after high school since we were going separate ways but he called back and found me through mutual friends. Anyway so then he breaks things off through texting and tells me to leave him the fuck alone, yet he won't leave me alone. He finds out information about me through a friend. I don't know how though then a week passes and he calls me just to do it you know? Then we don't talk or anything. The following week he does it again. If he wants to move on like he had said in the text then why doesn't he let ME move on? Is he likely to be jealous to which guy I'd go out with and let me be with him just so I won't jump off into another relationship? It hurts to not know so hopefully I can get a clear answer.

Victor's answer:

Why won't he leave you alone? Because he's a control freak. Because he's a creep. Because he's a major league jerk. If you think he does it because he has feelings for you, you're mistaken. He's a miserable critter and such people derive energy from making others more miserable than them. He will be jealous of anything or anyone that makes you happy. He won't let you move on because he likes to torment you. It gives me satisfaction. Don't expect rational behavior from an irrational person.

Basically, Janet, his behavior has nothing to do with you; it's all about his sorry ass being a solid loser. You didn't make him that way. You're not responsible for his actions. And there's nothing you can do to "fix" him. He was that way before you (you just didn't know it) and he will be this obnoxious with his next girlfriend.

What would be helpful is for you to try to change your attitude about that which you found really attractive about him so that you avoid falling for someone like him again. And ignore his attempts at contact with you. Don't show anger (he will like that), don't insult him (that's giving him attention), just avoid him with the least amount of attention possible. If he calls, hang-up without a word. If he text messages you, don't read it, just delete it without a response. If he sends you a letter, throw it in the garbage without reading it.

Labels: control freak, ex-boyfriend, stalker, won't leave me alone

stacy, 22, from louisiana asks:

I'm interested in this guy and according to his body language he's interested in me. How do I get the ball rolling to dating?

VictorM's advice:

First, make sure he's not attached already. Second, reading body language on a guy can be dangerous business (and if you have poor eyesight, be careful -- you could get poked in the eye). Third, you odds improve if you arrange for situations where you're alone with him. This way, the chances for both of you to give strong signals to each other improve.

For example, mention that you'd like to see the movie "300" but that none of your friends want to go and you don't want to go alone. If he volunteers, make it a movie date followed by dinner. Then you can dazzle him with your wit and cleavage. That's just one example.

But whatever your preferences, find ways to be alone with him (pack rubbers just in case things go better than expected).

Labels: asking a guy out, body language

Anonymous asks:

well, like i like this guy i have liked him for two years and he is amazing. I really like him but i m uncertain if he likes me like that.
1) one time he followed me around AND WAS SAYING I`M FOLLOWING YOU AND HE DIDN`T STOP FOLLOWING ME TILL I LEFT.
2) he told me we were in his back yard and told me every time he sees me i brighten up his day
3) he asked me if i wanted to go to his house to watch a movie with him in his room and i thought he was joking so i played along and said you already have a date he said no i don`t if you don`t come then it will just be me in my bed and watching my movie.
4) my friend died and i was sad so i hugged my crush for the first time and he hugged me back then he put his arm around me and we laid there and he held me in his arms till i left.
5)he commented on my hair when i got highlights and he said he liked him .
6) we talk all the time or used to till my friend told him that i liked him he has talked to me for the pass few days but only every once in a while.
7)he always poked me in the hallways one day i asked him why he said so i will know that he is there.
8) me and the girl i dislike were sitting there in room and someone said me and that girl was his girlfriend then i said i wasn't and he said i have no one once i was out of earshot and he said he would rather have me as his girlfriend.
9) and like he always pokes me and one time i told him not to wait for me at the door i was really depressed but he started coming over to me then he came over and strated for the next shows
so tell me does he like me?????

VictorM's answer:

He's Popeye and you're spinach. He's James Bond and you're a martini. He's Colonel Sanders and you're finger licking good. He's David Beckham and you're a free kick 25 yards from goal. He's Rush Limbaugh and you're a Viagra pill. He's Prince and you're a tight pair of pants. He's George Bush and you're another surge.

Does he like you? Yeah, I think so.

Labels: does he like me

Marcy, 31, from USA asks:

I met a guy online through a dating service that only matches people who are strongly compatible based on this profile they complete. Blah blah. We emailed online for awhile and then talked on the phone and then met in person. We have been out 5 times now. The very first time I met him it was like we were long lost friends. I am not somebody who believes in love at first sight or any of that garbage- but I have to say- it was definitely a deep, deep connection right away for sure. He calls me almost every day. He calls me early in the week to ask me out for the weekend to make sure I won't get any other plans. During our date last Saturday, he told me that he felt if things went well between us that we should move in together this fall when one of his larger flats that he owns will no longer be occupied by a renter. I became concerned because he had told me prior to this that he was in no hurry to settle down and start a family (he is 39). When I reminded him of this- he told me that his plans had become more urgent after he met me because he wants to have a family. His first wife left him for another man and now has kids with that person so I know he was capable of a long term thing prior to meeting me. Now I am 31- that is true- but I never really thought a guy would want to rush things because of my age. My response was- I am really healthy, I am sure I can have kids for a long time still. I smiled and excused myself and hid in the ladies room for about 5 minutes so I wouldn't screw up and say the wrong thing. Truth be told, I really like him and I wouldn't be opposed to moving in with him if things work out. It just scared me that he brought it up so fast. The strange thing is that later that night I asked him if he was seeing anyone else from online and he said he had gone out with another girl twice that he had liked and that he hadn't seen her since he met me. I asked him if he was planning to see her again and he said he didn't know. That made me mad because he had just told me 2 hours earlier that he thought he might want to move in with me with the prospect of starting a family. But I made out with him anyway- even though it bugged the hell out of me to think he could be dating some other woman. He called me Sunday but I was busy with friends. He called again Monday and wanted to have dinner with me and took me to a nice restaurant. He asked me what I was doing this weekend and I told him my Mother is coming to town to see me. He had this scared look in his eyes when he was asking what we were doing- I could tell he wanted to meet my mom and he was afraid I wasn't going to ask him. So I invited him to dinner. He couldn't have had a wider grin on his face. He is coming to dinner Saturday to meet my mom. Now is it possible that a guy can really like me this much so fast or is this guy a big player and probably telling every other girl the same stuff and just dating tons of girls from online? My friends say that I should go with the flow and not worry. But I am really falling in love with this person and I don't want to get hurt. Am I being dumb to think that he MIGHT be for real and a good guy? Or does it sound like this guy is a big player trying to get down my pants? My gut is telling me he is a good guy- but my brain is telling me he is a big player and I am going to get hurt really bad. I want a guy's point of view.

VictorM's advice:

If you don't want to get hurt, forget all relationships and go live in the desert, otherwise, any time you open yourself up to love, heartache is always but a moment away. To love in fear is counter-productive.

Nothing of what you said suggests the guy is a player; quite the contrary, he seems pretty committed to you. Yes, maybe he's gotten a little ahead of himself, but you can slow things down. His desire to take things slowly initially is understandable -- most guys say that so they have an exit route if things don't work out -- but once he fell for you, he expressed his real desire. Nothing wrong with that.

The part about him considering still seeing the other girl if he's so much into you can be explained this way: most guys, when they get hurt or offended will revert to the child within them. You turned him down, he got a boo-boo and so he reacted like a little kid who wants to give you a boo-boo back. Ignore it. He's just being a typical guy.

I said at the outset that you can't be afraid to be hurt if you want a relationship. I also say you shouldn't be afraid to be happy. You seem to have both fears. Find a way to get over those fears and your life will be more complete, no matter how it all turns out.

Labels: fear of getting hurt, relationship advice

Jenny, 33, from Texas asks:

Is it okay for a boyfriend to talk about his ex girlfriend quite often?

VictorM's answer:

It depends how often he talks about her, what he says, and how long ago their break-up was.

It's normal for him to want to talk about her because she was an important part of his life no matter how things ended. If the break-up was recent, the more common such talk is. If the break-up was years ago, then it means he's having a hard time letting go.

I'm not quite sure how to answer your question other than to say that under certain circumstances it is normal and nothing to worry about... for a while anyway. This can't go on for ever.

I'd also say that total silence about an ex is more worrisome; it means he's keeping it inside instead of getting her out of his system, which is what he's doing when he talks about her.

I suggest you let him babble about her for now. By letting him talk you'll get a better sense of when he's gotten her out of his system. That'll be when he stops talking about her.

However, if he talks in glowing terms about her, just rips his balls right off! :)

Labels: boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, talking about ex

Anna, 17, from Maine asks:

Why would a guy worry about what other people think if he really cares about me? Because I think my friend cares about me a lot but he's not showing it as much as he used to. When it's just me and him he seems like he really cares but I've heard a rumor that he's just acting, and in a large group of people I still sense that he cares but he barely shows it at all.

VictorM's advice:

I think it's more likely that he's acting when he's front on the group, and being himself when he's alone with you.

Maybe someone said something that he didn't like (like you being a couple, or someone made some unpleasant remark, who knows) and he's avoiding that appearance in front of other people.

I suggest you tell him what you just said here, but do it in a non-confrontational way. Just tell him nicely how you feel, and ask him to explain his view. Most likely there is a good explanation.

Whatever you do, don't listen to the rumors among teenagers. Teenage rumors and politicians selling a war... same difference.

Labels: best friends, he changes in a group, teenage rumor

Alisha, 21, from Athens, WV asks:

How do you get your boyfriend more involved in a girl's life? He is too lazy to do much of anything with me and he spends most of his time sleeping or on a computer and doesn't like spending time with me. What do I do?

VictorM's advice:

You mean, besides dumping his lazy ass?

If I could motivate guys like your boyfriend I'd make a fortune, but I can't. However, you can try, provided you aren't too lazy yourself. It will require work and patience on your part.

Here's the plan: stop bothering him about his laziness. From today on start making plans to go out with your friends to movies, mall, parties, etc. Ask your boyfriend to come along. When he declines, say: "OK, honey, have a nice time", and go. When you come back, make sure you tell him how much fun it was, kiss him, be nice to him, ask him if he had a nice time. Continue to do this. Don't be afraid to include guys in the group of friends you go out with. If he gets angry, just keep telling him you'd prefer for him to come, but if he doesn't want to, you will not be stuck at home.

Maybe he will get the message and start going out with you, maybe he won't. But either way, you will have a much better idea of what kind of man he is.

But you have to realize one other thing. If you stay with him without seeing significant change, you are equally lazy. In fact, you're worse. At least he's satisfied sleeping and being on the computer; you're not. You really have more reason to make a change than he does. If you can't bring yourself up to dump him if he doesn't change, you're the bigger loser!

One other thing... consider that even of what I suggested works, you will most likely have to behave this way for the rest of your life. Do you really want that? Because the odds he'll ever change on his own are mighty slim. Think about that.

Labels: boyfriend, he's lazy, laziness

Dear VictorM,

I was dating for about a year and we broke up because I moved to another town and he thought I was cheating on him so he cheated on me with my old best friend. Now I moved back and we are just friends and lately I have been thinking about him and I want that relationship back. The relationship of love and it seems like every guy that I try to be with doesn't want that? I think it might be the fact that I bug them about it. But then I met this guy and he had a girlfriend but we hooked up an he dumped her and I felt like a total skank. Then I wrote him a letter saying that I thought it wasn't a good idea if we hung out just now because they broke up. He responded with I can't believe you did this, I dumped her for you (and I didn't know this) and now he seems mad and he said oh well I can still get back together with my ex. And now I feel like everything I wanted is going away again. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Too bad you don't say how old you are, but in a way it doesn't matter. Mentally, at least, you're a child.

Look, most people don't fall in love right away; love grows as people get to know each other more. So it's natural that with most guys it takes time for them to feel or express love. You, on the other hand, probably want it too soon. Be a little more patient.

Whether you go back to your cheating boyfriend (he cheated because he thought you were cheating... what a crock of shit that is) or the guy who can't make up his mind who he wants, it doesn't matter -- chances are it won't work. I think your best course of action is to wait till you can draw with crayons within the lines and memorize your multiplication table. Love relationships aren't something you are ready for yet. It's nothing to be offended by; most people screw this aspect of their lives all the time.

Labels: love relationship, too young

May, 33, from Asia asks:

Hi, I have been dating a guy for four months now. We do like each other very much. But the problem is this guy has serious financial problems and need to borrow my money almost every month, and this become an issue to kill our relationship. He thinks I don't love him when I refuse to lend him money. And I hate him to ask me for the money again. He thinks I am his girl friend and should help him out. We fight a lot because of that. He likes to drive my car, but no money to pay for the gas sometimes. I told him not to use the car if no money to pay for the gas. I don't mind take bus together with him. One night, he had no money to refill the gas and the car almost died on the street. I refuse to help him out because I've told him I wouldn't pay for the gas again. He thinks I am not good to him. Now we stop calling each other and I miss him. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

I hope you are aware that his problems aren't just money. He lacks self-respect, he doesn't have consideration for you, he is manipulative, he hurts your feelings, he has lousy money skills. In a nutshell, he's a loser and he will ruin your life. But, you miss him... *sigh*

OK, so you miss him... Why not accept that he's the way he is, that you will always be paying for him and stop fighting? Enough guys support their girlfriends or wives, why can't you support him? So the guy isn't perfect? Who is? I'm sure you can explain his behavior to your friends, your parents, your future kids, the collectors who will come after you for expenses he incurs... small price to pay so that you won't miss him, wouldn't you say? *sight*

Yeah, I'm being sarcastic. Listen. You're being blessed with blatant signs that you have the wrong guy. Don't blow it! Take the cues that providence is sending you and move on. Yeah, you miss him now, but that will fade with time. If you think you can change this guy, you're delusional. This guy will NOT change. He'll ruin your life. Remember, it's not just the money... read the first paragraph again.

Labels: leech, manipulative boyfriend, money skills

Tina Li, 27, from Vancouver asks:

Around 2 months ago, I 'broke up' with a guy but I said would still like to be friends with him. Things between us were going well as we both rushed into it, and both of us came out confused. So I decided that I needed the time and space from being in such a tough situation. We've barely spoken with each other for the 2 months and now we're somewhat talking again (politely and civilly). Throughout this whole time, part of me wants to get back together with him, start a clean slate, and try again. But I'm not sure how to gauge him to see if he might be interested in trying again. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

You don't gauge; you ask. After all, you're the one who initiated the brake-up, so it's up to you to mend things. Besides, he's probably too guarded around you to let you know what he feels.

Doesn't sound to me like there's much flame left (after all, only part of you wants to try again). You probably have all the information you need to know he's not the right guy but you're stuck on the past. What do you think changed in 2 months that will prevent the relationship from suffering the same fate again? Face it, Tina. You're just in a rut, afraid to look forward.

But I say have a go at him, ask him out again, if nothing else to remove all doubt. Then you can start looking for the right guy without the nagging "what if" question hanging over your head.

Labels: friends with my ex, getting back together

ashley, 14, from Hawaii, asks:

I'm going to a formal dance with a guy I asked him he said yes.

One day I cried in front of the whole class because I was bullied and he came over and actually said if I was OK. (Does that mean he likes me???)

2) He smiles at me. Well, he smiles at everyone but me a little different. (Does that mean he likes me?)

3) Dance was canceled he told me how sorry he was that the dance was cancelled but he said maybe next time OH MY GOSH! (Does that mean he likes me?)

4) A lot of people know that we are going to dance.

5) But the problem is that he is very smart guy and he has a 4.0 and I told his sister if his brother would like a girlfriend she told me that he didn't have a girlfriend but isn't interested . How can I make him want to have a girlfrined and that he won't make a mistake in having one. He is the perfect guy every girl wants but I'm scared of making him not like me.

6) He told me what my favorite color was what does that mean? For the dance.

VictorM's answer:

Yeah, he likes you, in a 14/15 years old boy kinda way. Meaning, he's just starting to notice girls and he's curious, so lots and lots of girls catch his attention. You're one of them. He came to your help much like guys do to the damsel in distress scene in movies; good guys like to be the heroes.

Don't listen to his sisters -- she knows jack about his feelings. She's probably right, but that's just coincidence.

He may not be ready for a girlfriend yet, so the best thing for you to do is to just be his friend. Don't make a big fuss about him "being the perfect guy", but do compliment him from time to time and talk to him about topics he likes. Guys love being around girls who listen to them talk about things they like and know a lot about.

He asked you for your favorite color for the dance so you two would match. It doesn't mean he's ready to marry you and have babies together.

Labels: damsel in distress, does he like me, perfect guy, to the dance

We had closed this blog for a while, but we're back in business. Use the link to the left to submit your question.

Megan, 17, from Arkansas asks:

I have a friend who used to be my boyfriend and when we were going out he told me that he loved me and that he was never going to break up with me then out of the blue he breaks up with me because he needs to do some "soul searching" or something but he says he still wants us to be together and he's calling me his best friend. I'm confused because before we started going out he knew exactly who he was and what he wanted in life then he starts going out with me and four months later needs to do his soul searching. What does it mean when a guy calls his ex-girlfriend his best friend and why would a guy all of a sudden need to do soul searching?

VictorM's answer:

This is painful to you but all too common and simple to explain: He started going out with you and felt strong feelings for you at the beginning. Then, with time, for reasons he probably doesn't even know himself, he realized you're not "the one" for him. It's that simple. So how do you break-up with a girl you realize you're not in love with but you still care for and wish her well? Most guys make up little white lies, like "soul searching", "need space", "it's not you, it's me", etc.

The bottom line is, once a guy says he wants to break-up, don't bother with what he says next. It's not that he's actually lying; it's just a mechanism to try to avoid hurting your feelings. And he says he wants to remain friends for the same reason. Most likely, in a short period of time he'll gravitate away from you. And that's a good thing. You and him need to go your separate ways now and start dating other people again.

You did nothing wrong. He did nothing wrong. Life just happened to you both. That's all. Finding the right one who thinks you're his right one too is not easy, but it's important to try and get it right. It's a journey. You're on your way. Keep going. And don't settle. Don't ever just settle.

Labels: break-up, ex-boyfriend, falling out of love, out of the blue

ronda, 37, from indiana asks:

My ex-boyfriend and I have not seen each other in five years. We dated beginning ten years ago , kinda grew apart but still talked. Just recently as I was getting over the fact that I would not be talking to him any more and met someone else, out of the blue he emails. Nothing really just a new project that he was working on. It kinda got in my head, I told him that I loved him all these years, he says that he loves me and we will only be friends, but lately I get two emails a week from him, asking me to review his new projects. I was always a support to him. I still care for him, but I don't see how we can be friends and were ex-lovers. He even says he's seeing someone. I'm growing over it, but what does he want with me?

VictorM's answer:

You provided the answer to your own question: "I was always a support to him." He wants support. You're a friend, someone he likes (loves, as a friend), someone he feels comfortable with, someone he's made clear to he's not interested in romantically, and therefore, the perfect person for support. If you're reading more than that into it, you're barking up the wrong tree.

There's also something of an ego boost to be in contact with someone you know likes you romantically. Even if you don't feel the same way about them, their attention is flattering.

Continue to grow over it.

Labels: ex-boyfriend, out of the blue, support

sara, 29, from uk asks:

I've been with my partner 15 years. He's 4 years older. Grown apart, tried to end it 3 times in 5 months. I can't move out as I pay all bills. I have a good job. He won't move out, still wants us to make a go of it! Help

VictorM's advice:

You're not in girlfriend mode, you're in mother mode. You're worried about his inability to live on his own. You're also worried of being on your own. And that's understandable. After 15 years with the same person, it's very difficult to break away. Even if you have no feelings left for him, your body forms a type of addition to the other person... to his scent, to his voice, to his presence. But you have a good job. You CAN move out. You need to find the courage to do it. And you need to stop thinking as his mom -- he'll find his way without you.

If you can't break away cold turkey, do it in steps. Start finding new friends, go out with them, spend time away from him doing things that you enjoy. Sleep at a friend's house often. Find a new hobby, look for new interests, buy new and different clothes, listen to new music... do as much as you can without him.

Just don't stay without making an effort to leave or your life will pass you by and you'll be miserable. Above all don't put yourself down for not having moved out yet; it's a hard thing to do. Give yourself credit for little victories.

Labels: grown apart, moving out

crissy, 30, from NY asks:

I had an abusive boyfriend 10 years ago, it was a very bad breakup..threatening to kill me, stalking me for 5 years afterward (I just recently found this out, I had no idea). Last year we met again, and I decided to forgive him (after all it was 10 years ago) and we became friends. We went out as friends a few times, then I slept with him. Bad bad move, I know, should I be worried it will start again? Or should I believe him it was only sex and we can just be friends?

VictorM's advice:

Worry! And plenty! Break away from this guy. With people like him there is no "just sex" or "just friends". What do you think he'll do if you get a boyfriend? Just go quietly into the sunset? Come on!

You made a mistake when you became friends with him and an even bigger mistake having sex with him. Time to correct your mistakes... now!

Labels: abusive boyfriend, just friend

Sissy, 26, from Louisiana asks:

What does it mean when a guy says he loves you, offers to pay off your car, buys you a house and says he want to spend the rest of his life with you, then he turns around and says he never has any intentions of getting married? Does he not really love me or what does this mean?

VictorM's advice:

I can't say if he loves you or not. Many people who are in love choose not to marry. A lot of it depends on his previous experiences or beliefs. From what you wrote, he didn't lie about marriage, so there is no "turn around". You assumed marriage was involved; you just misread the whole deal. But I'm more inclined to believe his statements of love are driven more by lust.

So you got your car paid, a house... how about a plasma TV? You gotta get one!

Labels: love or lust, material girl, what does it mean

MDoe, 36, from Arizona asks:

What does it mean when a man says, "Three strikes and you're out"? I am with 'Joe' since Oct. 2001, we're engaged but he is legally married to wife #1. His 3 kids and my 3 (youngest in common) get along okay. During first deployment, 2003, to Iraq, I got my first 'strike' after accidentally leaving his 12 year old daughter at a rest stop on the way home late one weekend. She was okay as she met other people who are distantly related to me and found safety knowing she was not totally alone. I discovered her missing just minutes after coming home, 1.5 hours later. Breaking all speed limits, I got back to her in one hour. Joe is now coming home from 2nd deployment. I again am left to care for 6 kids. Over the weekend, my sister invited me to join them for a basketball game, I went, the kids didn't. Joe calls and kids were upset they didn't go to the game. To my understanding, their relatives were coming to visit and spend time with Joe's kids and take them to the ball game. However, they were already at the game or they didn't have room in their small vehicle. Joe called, I was "Strike Two and one more I'm out". I'm puzzled, 'I didn't know we were keeping score in this relationship' I didn't get much sleep last night thinking about this. I don't know what a man means when he is keeping score. After 6 years of faithfully committed, I wonder if I've over invested too much into this relationship? Back in 2004, he was finally 'looking' into getting a divorce from wife #1 because he wanted to marry me. The sad thing is, I wanted to get married on May 5, 2005....... I no longer want to get married.

VictorM's advice:

Well, Joe is a military guy. He has a certain discipline and expectations of those around him. He is communicating very clearly with you. He considers a woman who makes three big mistakes (in his mind) not worthy of keeping. For better or for worse, that is Joe.

You are ignoring tons of information coming your way. Let's see, you have been with Joe since 2001, that's 6 years and he's still not divorced. Hello?! Anybody home? Divorces don't take years to get.

I don't think Joe is looking for a wife -- hell, he already has one and he's not giving her up, whether you like to face that reality or not -- no, he's looking for a babysitter. And as that, you have screwed up, no question about it.

Look, when it comes to relationships, what you have invested in the past doesn't count; what counts is what dividends you think it will pay in the future. Do you want love, romance, caring, understanding, and sharing? Or do you want boot camp with an umpire on your ass?

I think you know the answer -- you just need the courage to act on it.

Labels: not divorced, relationship, three strikes