Wednesday, February 28, 2007
I blew it with this guy
Charisthma, 23, from San Francisco CA asks:
So I blew it with this guy I like by being weird and distant to him. I called him once after this incident and of course he didn't answer. I kind of deserve it but I'm still physically into him and I know he is with me also. What can I do, if anything, in the cosmos to get him back? I get the vibe that I could still have him but he's just as weird as me so this is complicated. Please think of something.
VictorM's advice:
Depending on what the incident was, it's possible that he'll never even give you the time of day ever again. Sometimes, that's how it goes. But if he still has any desire for you, time is your friend. After a while, guys forget what pissed them off, specially if there's a nice, physical reward to go with it.
Until he's ready to make contact, making a fuss about him is the worst thing you can do. Let him be. Next time you know you'll bump into him, look your absolute slutty best. For superficial relationships that might do the trick.
So I blew it with this guy I like by being weird and distant to him. I called him once after this incident and of course he didn't answer. I kind of deserve it but I'm still physically into him and I know he is with me also. What can I do, if anything, in the cosmos to get him back? I get the vibe that I could still have him but he's just as weird as me so this is complicated. Please think of something.
VictorM's advice:
Depending on what the incident was, it's possible that he'll never even give you the time of day ever again. Sometimes, that's how it goes. But if he still has any desire for you, time is your friend. After a while, guys forget what pissed them off, specially if there's a nice, physical reward to go with it.
Until he's ready to make contact, making a fuss about him is the worst thing you can do. Let him be. Next time you know you'll bump into him, look your absolute slutty best. For superficial relationships that might do the trick.
Labels: physical attraction, silent treatment
A bum off the streets
Dani, 23, from WPG asks:
I have been with this guy for 3.5 years and just moved out of his house. We also have a kid together. I want to end things, when I tell him this he says that he will have nothing to do with his son and if I take him to court he will quit his job and become a bum off the streets. So he doesn't have to pay for him. But he has a daughter from a previous relationship and he pays for her. So I have been dragging out the process of dumping him so he can spend time with his son and give me some money. I need some help here. Should I just end it already then it's his loss not ours?
VictorM's advice:
You have good reasons for wanting to leave him but only make your move when you have enough money to be on your own. Don't pay attention to his threats -- he's only bluffing to scare you. You should leave on your own timetable. You should assume he'll refuse to pay child support and you will need legal help. It's going to take both money and time for court action, so make sure you have enough to feed your son and yourself.
I have been with this guy for 3.5 years and just moved out of his house. We also have a kid together. I want to end things, when I tell him this he says that he will have nothing to do with his son and if I take him to court he will quit his job and become a bum off the streets. So he doesn't have to pay for him. But he has a daughter from a previous relationship and he pays for her. So I have been dragging out the process of dumping him so he can spend time with his son and give me some money. I need some help here. Should I just end it already then it's his loss not ours?
VictorM's advice:
You have good reasons for wanting to leave him but only make your move when you have enough money to be on your own. Don't pay attention to his threats -- he's only bluffing to scare you. You should leave on your own timetable. You should assume he'll refuse to pay child support and you will need legal help. It's going to take both money and time for court action, so make sure you have enough to feed your son and yourself.
Labels: child support, want to leave him
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
I have found my slumbering passion again
jules, 39, from Münich, asks:
Hallo... I have been dating a younger man (29, Pisces) for the past 1.5 years. It has been on and off because he has said there is no future between us and that we are not the same "class". Most people would be very upset with such comments but it gave me "fuel" to want to be more. Which means to me that I have "consciously/subconsciously" looked for this kind of trigger to motivate me.
After I leave him he chases me again and the whole thing starts all over. He always comes back. It's a game we play. Either he doesn't quite know what is going on inside his head...(lust or love?) or he just wants to "use" me. Maybe it is both! However I adore this boy because he has made me take a look at myself and where I am going. I have found the courage to go back to my original desire which is to be a painter. This, I believe is my true calling... that's what I do best!You might say he is a kind of muse for me.
Recently, however, he has been offered a job in London and after much thinking he is going to do it. I feel jealous of him, but also hurt. He says our relationship will continue as was, except we won't see each other as often! He will pay for me to visit him in London. This jealousy (because I also want to have a bright new future) has motivated me in turn to visit London (I know London as i did a BA at one of the finest design colleges in the world there about 5 years ago). Now I'm planning to go back after I have painted 10 large canvases by this time next year and apply to do an MA at another one of the very finest art colleges in the world in London. In my head I guess that I hope to impress him... at the same time I know I am doing it for me and I do love London and have some wonderful, exciting, courageous friends there. Whatever the reasons for going to London I feel I have found my slumbering passion again... and that makes me happy. I am back to the me I know myself to be. The me I want to be with him or anyone else... that is a confident me!
Now, after all that ...I feel I can be everything to him except 10 years younger ( i.e gorgeous, natural, and talented). But should I quit seeing him until he goes to London (end of April)? Or see him and not get intimate (which is what I have been doing)? Or should I just be happy that I finally know where I am going in my life and accept that it is over? Should I go for my dream of him and being at the college?
I would love to know what your intuition says!?
Thank you
Jules
VictorM's advice:
Why not go for the whole thing, if you can get it, specially if one wish doesn't prevent the other? Follow your dream with school; a degree will last a life time. See him but keep your feet planted on the ground -- your odds of a long term relationship with him are small. He's been very clear about you not figuring in his future, only on his now. And only because he lacks willpower. You will do until he finds another girl of his same "class".
So, see him for now, but as you advance in your art school, learn to paint a bullseye. At some point, paint one on his ass and kick it before he does it to you.
Hallo... I have been dating a younger man (29, Pisces) for the past 1.5 years. It has been on and off because he has said there is no future between us and that we are not the same "class". Most people would be very upset with such comments but it gave me "fuel" to want to be more. Which means to me that I have "consciously/subconsciously" looked for this kind of trigger to motivate me.
After I leave him he chases me again and the whole thing starts all over. He always comes back. It's a game we play. Either he doesn't quite know what is going on inside his head...(lust or love?) or he just wants to "use" me. Maybe it is both! However I adore this boy because he has made me take a look at myself and where I am going. I have found the courage to go back to my original desire which is to be a painter. This, I believe is my true calling... that's what I do best!You might say he is a kind of muse for me.
Recently, however, he has been offered a job in London and after much thinking he is going to do it. I feel jealous of him, but also hurt. He says our relationship will continue as was, except we won't see each other as often! He will pay for me to visit him in London. This jealousy (because I also want to have a bright new future) has motivated me in turn to visit London (I know London as i did a BA at one of the finest design colleges in the world there about 5 years ago). Now I'm planning to go back after I have painted 10 large canvases by this time next year and apply to do an MA at another one of the very finest art colleges in the world in London. In my head I guess that I hope to impress him... at the same time I know I am doing it for me and I do love London and have some wonderful, exciting, courageous friends there. Whatever the reasons for going to London I feel I have found my slumbering passion again... and that makes me happy. I am back to the me I know myself to be. The me I want to be with him or anyone else... that is a confident me!
Now, after all that ...I feel I can be everything to him except 10 years younger ( i.e gorgeous, natural, and talented). But should I quit seeing him until he goes to London (end of April)? Or see him and not get intimate (which is what I have been doing)? Or should I just be happy that I finally know where I am going in my life and accept that it is over? Should I go for my dream of him and being at the college?
I would love to know what your intuition says!?
Thank you
Jules
VictorM's advice:
Why not go for the whole thing, if you can get it, specially if one wish doesn't prevent the other? Follow your dream with school; a degree will last a life time. See him but keep your feet planted on the ground -- your odds of a long term relationship with him are small. He's been very clear about you not figuring in his future, only on his now. And only because he lacks willpower. You will do until he finds another girl of his same "class".
So, see him for now, but as you advance in your art school, learn to paint a bullseye. At some point, paint one on his ass and kick it before he does it to you.
Labels: age difference, is he using me
Making a fool out of myself
Amber, 14, from Ohio asks:
Ok well like there's this guy I really like named Lee and well he checks me out all the time in class and I stare at him and he catches me and smiles but he says he doesn't like me to my brother's girlfriend. What should I do to talk to him cause ever since Lee found out I liked him I haven't been able to talk to him without making a fool out of myself. What exactly should I do????
VictorM's advice:
What's wrong with making a fool of yourself? It's charming and guys love to see it. :)
Two points: One, guys often tell others they don't like a particular girl just so they don't look like fools if it doesn't work out -- it doesn't really mean he doesn't like her; two, he already knows you like him so that puts you at a disadvantage. See, once a guy, specially around your age, knows a girl likes him he's more likely to chase another one.
But the trick for you is to get him to do most of the talking first. Then, once you two talk a bit more you'll feel more relaxed. So how do you do this? Ask him about things you know he knows a lot about. For example, say he's into soccer big time, ask him to explain the offside rule to you. Just make sure you find something he's an expert at.
Just don't vomit on the kid's shoes when you first approach him.
Ok well like there's this guy I really like named Lee and well he checks me out all the time in class and I stare at him and he catches me and smiles but he says he doesn't like me to my brother's girlfriend. What should I do to talk to him cause ever since Lee found out I liked him I haven't been able to talk to him without making a fool out of myself. What exactly should I do????
VictorM's advice:
What's wrong with making a fool of yourself? It's charming and guys love to see it. :)
Two points: One, guys often tell others they don't like a particular girl just so they don't look like fools if it doesn't work out -- it doesn't really mean he doesn't like her; two, he already knows you like him so that puts you at a disadvantage. See, once a guy, specially around your age, knows a girl likes him he's more likely to chase another one.
But the trick for you is to get him to do most of the talking first. Then, once you two talk a bit more you'll feel more relaxed. So how do you do this? Ask him about things you know he knows a lot about. For example, say he's into soccer big time, ask him to explain the offside rule to you. Just make sure you find something he's an expert at.
Just don't vomit on the kid's shoes when you first approach him.
Labels: he doesn't like me, he knows I like him, talking to a guy
Monday, February 26, 2007
There is this guy of my dreams
Taylow, from ATX asks:
ok.. there is this guy of my dreams! I can't tell if he likes me, but he's been acting weird around me lately. He'll always ask me what's wrong if I look just a little upset, then there is this way he looks at me when he thinks I don't see him... and he always sneaks up behind me and tickles me. Some people say we look cute together... and we have soooo much in common, but I just can't tell if he likes me or not.... So does he???
VictorM's answer:
Of course he likes you. He likes you a lot. But don't be too obvious about liking him; he might cool off easily. Let him chase you.
Labels: does he like me
My ex-boyfriend is ignoring me
sue, 24, from georgia asks:
I was wondering why my ex-boyfriend is ignoring me, because a month ago we were speaking then all of a sudden he cut off all contact with me and when he sees me he doesn't even speak.
VictorM's answer:
The first thing that came to my mind was that he must have found a girlfriend. While I think that's probably the real reason, you can't discount that he just grew some common sense and decided, rightly, that staying too close to an ex is generally a bad idea. Consider yourself lucky he's doing this.
I was wondering why my ex-boyfriend is ignoring me, because a month ago we were speaking then all of a sudden he cut off all contact with me and when he sees me he doesn't even speak.
VictorM's answer:
The first thing that came to my mind was that he must have found a girlfriend. While I think that's probably the real reason, you can't discount that he just grew some common sense and decided, rightly, that staying too close to an ex is generally a bad idea. Consider yourself lucky he's doing this.
Labels: ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, not talking
Sunday, February 25, 2007
He wants to call me
Ash, 17, from USA asks:
I wrote before about the guy that I told that his best friend told me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. This guy just told me that he needs time and space away from me, postponed us getting together this weekend, and told me "He wants to call me." Should I move on now and just stop thinking about him?
VictorM's advice:
You should move on, even if you can't stop thinking of him. I say that for two reasons: one, if he's just giving you the run around and really isn't interested in you, the sooner you move on the better for you; two, if he likes you, playing hard to get is the best thing you do for him to feel motivated to chase you.
Boys go from not caring about girls to being girl-crazy when the hormone surge hits them. And when that happens, they have a hard time keeping their mind on oneset of boobs girl. So they chase A, B, and C... Also, they need to prove to themselves and to their friends their ability to catch girls. A girl that already likes them is less of a challenge. It's not that they don't like her, but they feel they can keep her on the side, safe for a rainy day, so to speak. You know, by saying things like he wants to call you.
So, yeah, move on. Date other guys. You can't lose by doing this.
I wrote before about the guy that I told that his best friend told me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. This guy just told me that he needs time and space away from me, postponed us getting together this weekend, and told me "He wants to call me." Should I move on now and just stop thinking about him?
VictorM's advice:
You should move on, even if you can't stop thinking of him. I say that for two reasons: one, if he's just giving you the run around and really isn't interested in you, the sooner you move on the better for you; two, if he likes you, playing hard to get is the best thing you do for him to feel motivated to chase you.
Boys go from not caring about girls to being girl-crazy when the hormone surge hits them. And when that happens, they have a hard time keeping their mind on one
So, yeah, move on. Date other guys. You can't lose by doing this.
Labels: advice, answer, move on, playing hard to get
Saturday, February 24, 2007
I've been talking to this guy
Jessica, 16, from California asks:
I've been talking to this guy and at first we flirted and everything was ok and we started talking and then one day I had an idea to walk home and he said he'll walk home with me (just a chance for us to get closer maybe even go out)... well, later on that day my mom said no I couldn't walk home then I told him I couldn't and he was ok but then my sister got her to say yes and sooo I went back to him saying I could walk and he didn't want to and I was like why?...and he was like whatever and I was like grrr and I got hella mad because he practically was like ignoring me and soo yeah then I said what the hell and we said our sorrys and stuff soo we were back to talking and then on saturday out of the blue he's all like I know you like me and I don't want you to talk to me anymore so I was like hella hurt because i REALLY like this guy. Well anyways... I did what he said not talk to him...but it was really hard because I had a period with him soo I switched anyways...soo yeah but I have my best guy friend...he has him 4th period and the guy always asks about me and stuff and yesterday he was like "why did jessica switch classes?"...and he always constantly looks at the picture of me on my best guy friend's binder...and anyways...my friend was like I don't know and then the guy asked for a pencil and he said no... and he was like if you give me the pencil I'll ask jessica out and my guy friend gave him the pencil and he was like I'll think about it and later told him he'll call me....he never did but yeah whatever he just always talks about me with my guy friend now. He told me not to talk to him anymore but if he's talking about me, what does that mean???....Does he like me because he used to he told about two weeks before he said want me to talk to him because it was "CONFUSING"... whatever... I need your help love ya always xoxo*JeSsIcA*
VictorM's answer:
The first thing I have to say after reading your questions is: I'm so happy I'm not a teenager anymore. Man, what drama over a pencil! :)
What does it mean that he asks about you? It means he knows he can screw with you and your friend, and he likes it. It's good for his ego to know there's a girl who likes him, even if he doesn't like her back. It's all about feeding HIS ego, not about liking YOU.
He used to like you when he thought you were a challenge. Once he found out you liked him, he lost interest. It happens 87.47% of the times with teen boys (yeah, I made that number up, but it happens a lot). Most teen boys have a hard time being serious with one girl because their hormones require challenges and conquests. The more the marrier.
Don't give up on the kid. Generally boys develop slower than girls. Trust me, he's much more confused about girls than you are about him and once he settles down, who knows, he may realize you're the coolest girl on the planet. Meanwhile, ignore him and play hard to get. That improves your odds of him coming around. Make yourself a challenge.
I've been talking to this guy and at first we flirted and everything was ok and we started talking and then one day I had an idea to walk home and he said he'll walk home with me (just a chance for us to get closer maybe even go out)... well, later on that day my mom said no I couldn't walk home then I told him I couldn't and he was ok but then my sister got her to say yes and sooo I went back to him saying I could walk and he didn't want to and I was like why?...and he was like whatever and I was like grrr and I got hella mad because he practically was like ignoring me and soo yeah then I said what the hell and we said our sorrys and stuff soo we were back to talking and then on saturday out of the blue he's all like I know you like me and I don't want you to talk to me anymore so I was like hella hurt because i REALLY like this guy. Well anyways... I did what he said not talk to him...but it was really hard because I had a period with him soo I switched anyways...soo yeah but I have my best guy friend...he has him 4th period and the guy always asks about me and stuff and yesterday he was like "why did jessica switch classes?"...and he always constantly looks at the picture of me on my best guy friend's binder...and anyways...my friend was like I don't know and then the guy asked for a pencil and he said no... and he was like if you give me the pencil I'll ask jessica out and my guy friend gave him the pencil and he was like I'll think about it and later told him he'll call me....he never did but yeah whatever he just always talks about me with my guy friend now. He told me not to talk to him anymore but if he's talking about me, what does that mean???....Does he like me because he used to he told about two weeks before he said want me to talk to him because it was "CONFUSING"... whatever... I need your help love ya always xoxo*JeSsIcA*
VictorM's answer:
The first thing I have to say after reading your questions is: I'm so happy I'm not a teenager anymore. Man, what drama over a pencil! :)
What does it mean that he asks about you? It means he knows he can screw with you and your friend, and he likes it. It's good for his ego to know there's a girl who likes him, even if he doesn't like her back. It's all about feeding HIS ego, not about liking YOU.
He used to like you when he thought you were a challenge. Once he found out you liked him, he lost interest. It happens 87.47% of the times with teen boys (yeah, I made that number up, but it happens a lot). Most teen boys have a hard time being serious with one girl because their hormones require challenges and conquests. The more the marrier.
Don't give up on the kid. Generally boys develop slower than girls. Trust me, he's much more confused about girls than you are about him and once he settles down, who knows, he may realize you're the coolest girl on the planet. Meanwhile, ignore him and play hard to get. That improves your odds of him coming around. Make yourself a challenge.
Labels: attraction, conquest, relationship, teen boys, teen girls
Friday, February 23, 2007
My ex-boyfriend and I are friends
Lianne, 20, from Belize asks:
My ex-boyfriend and I are friends, it's been a year and a half since he ended our 2 year relationship. We see a lot more of each other lately and he recently asked me "what's up with us?". We are at a point of "taking it slow" or "working it out" or "see where this leads"... I understand why he is confused and apprehensive about getting back together. What do you think?
VictorM's answer:
He ended the relationship for a reason. What do you think changed that makes you now the one he wants to be with? Face it, he hangs around because he hasn't found another yet. You aren't "taking it slow" or "working things out"; you're stuck and you're going nowhere.
Exes are evil. The sooner you're out of each other's life the better.
My ex-boyfriend and I are friends, it's been a year and a half since he ended our 2 year relationship. We see a lot more of each other lately and he recently asked me "what's up with us?". We are at a point of "taking it slow" or "working it out" or "see where this leads"... I understand why he is confused and apprehensive about getting back together. What do you think?
VictorM's answer:
He ended the relationship for a reason. What do you think changed that makes you now the one he wants to be with? Face it, he hangs around because he hasn't found another yet. You aren't "taking it slow" or "working things out"; you're stuck and you're going nowhere.
Exes are evil. The sooner you're out of each other's life the better.
Labels: advice, answer, dating, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, exes
I'm friends with an ex of mine
diana, 22, from wa asks:
I'm friends with an ex of mine. He recently asked me why I don't date. We both haven't dated for a couple of years. When I told him that I'm commitment phobic then he starts to argue with me about it. Trying to prove I'm not. He eventually stopped trying to disprove it. He went on to ask what I'd say to him caring about me before and never stopped caring. That he wanted to get back together and have a serious relationship. I told him no. To which he then said he only asked to see my response. Then Friday he just messaged me to see why I had a good night the night before. I told him that I had guys buy me drinks at my friend's birthday celebration at P.J. pockets casino. Which I've never had happen before so to me it was a good night. He just said sweet then stopped chatting. I'm curious, what's going on here with him? Seeing he tries to say the feelings gone and argues over stupid things like he did when we dated. I do not have feelings for him yet he deludes himself as him being the real reason why I'm single.
VictorM's advice:
What's going on? He would like to get back with you, that's what's going on. Maybe he still has feelings for you maybe he doesn't; his typical male ego is the one in control here. For him to accept you that don't care for him would send him into a virtual depression.
Exes are evil. The sooner you're out of each other's life the better.
I'm friends with an ex of mine. He recently asked me why I don't date. We both haven't dated for a couple of years. When I told him that I'm commitment phobic then he starts to argue with me about it. Trying to prove I'm not. He eventually stopped trying to disprove it. He went on to ask what I'd say to him caring about me before and never stopped caring. That he wanted to get back together and have a serious relationship. I told him no. To which he then said he only asked to see my response. Then Friday he just messaged me to see why I had a good night the night before. I told him that I had guys buy me drinks at my friend's birthday celebration at P.J. pockets casino. Which I've never had happen before so to me it was a good night. He just said sweet then stopped chatting. I'm curious, what's going on here with him? Seeing he tries to say the feelings gone and argues over stupid things like he did when we dated. I do not have feelings for him yet he deludes himself as him being the real reason why I'm single.
VictorM's advice:
What's going on? He would like to get back with you, that's what's going on. Maybe he still has feelings for you maybe he doesn't; his typical male ego is the one in control here. For him to accept you that don't care for him would send him into a virtual depression.
Exes are evil. The sooner you're out of each other's life the better.
Labels: advice, dating, ex-boyfriend, exes
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Kinds of questions to ask guys
allie, 15, from usa asks:
What kind of questions should I ask a guy to get to know him better without being intrusive?
VictorM's advice:
Ask him questions about topics you know he knows a lot about. For example, if he knows a lot about a certain sport, or video game, or music, whatever... ask him things about that subject. Do NOT start with personal questions. The reason is that guys generally don't like to talk about their feelings or highly personal stuff. They do like to talk about things they know a lot about because they feel they can impressing you.
Once he feels comfortable talking to you and you have not been judgmental, he's much more likely to talk about personal things. But you have to built trust and comfort first.
What kind of questions should I ask a guy to get to know him better without being intrusive?
VictorM's advice:
Ask him questions about topics you know he knows a lot about. For example, if he knows a lot about a certain sport, or video game, or music, whatever... ask him things about that subject. Do NOT start with personal questions. The reason is that guys generally don't like to talk about their feelings or highly personal stuff. They do like to talk about things they know a lot about because they feel they can impressing you.
Once he feels comfortable talking to you and you have not been judgmental, he's much more likely to talk about personal things. But you have to built trust and comfort first.
Labels: questions to ask guys
This might sound stupid, but
Minx, 21, from Westerncape asks:
This might sound stupid, but I don't know what to do, think or feel anymore. My ex and I are broken up for more than a year and he keeps blaming me for everything that happens to him. Every time I went out and we see each other the next day there's drama. I ignore him, but it doesn't help. His car was scratched the other night and he's accusing me for doing it and it's not the first time. I will never damage his property, I'm not that type of person. I loved him and still do, but enough is enough..he left me and emotionally broke me. I don't want to go out anymore cause I'm afraid there will be something else that's my fault. What should I do? He told me he doesn't love me and that I'm not good or beautiful enough for him. So why does he look for attention by me and blaming me? Why is he cold and heartless with me, but in the same time can't leave me alone? What does he get out of braking me more and more and why does he do it? Please give me advise.
VictorM's advice:
You answered most of your questions. He's cold and heartless with you because he's cold an heartless. Duh! That's what cold and heartless people do: they hurt others, they use them, they abuse them, they don't take responsibility for their failures, etc.
You say you'd never damage his stuff, that you are a good person. He knows that. But he also knows it bothers you to be accused of those things. So, he says them... *say it with me*... because he's cold and heartless.
He likes to control you. Accusing you of doing bad things, saying you're not good enough, that you're not beautiful enough... it's all about control. Why does he want to control you? *say it with me*... because he's cold and heartless.
So what do you do? First, understand and accept in your mind that the things he says, he says them only to control you. Second, don't give him the pleasure of having that control over you. How? Simple, if you practice this: Next time he says you damaged his car, just say: "I didn't do it but if it makes you feel happy to believe I did, go ahead." And walk away. If he says: "You're not good enough", say: "I know I'm plenty good, but if it makes you feel happy to believe I'm not, go ahead." And walk away.
Every time you try to explain, justify, convince, or argue with him, you're giving him control over you -- he wins. Stop doing it! Every time he says something that hurts your feelings, just remember this phrase: "he's trying to control me." Don't allow yourself to be controlled. Use the reply I mentioned above instead.
This might sound stupid, but I don't know what to do, think or feel anymore. My ex and I are broken up for more than a year and he keeps blaming me for everything that happens to him. Every time I went out and we see each other the next day there's drama. I ignore him, but it doesn't help. His car was scratched the other night and he's accusing me for doing it and it's not the first time. I will never damage his property, I'm not that type of person. I loved him and still do, but enough is enough..he left me and emotionally broke me. I don't want to go out anymore cause I'm afraid there will be something else that's my fault. What should I do? He told me he doesn't love me and that I'm not good or beautiful enough for him. So why does he look for attention by me and blaming me? Why is he cold and heartless with me, but in the same time can't leave me alone? What does he get out of braking me more and more and why does he do it? Please give me advise.
VictorM's advice:
You answered most of your questions. He's cold and heartless with you because he's cold an heartless. Duh! That's what cold and heartless people do: they hurt others, they use them, they abuse them, they don't take responsibility for their failures, etc.
You say you'd never damage his stuff, that you are a good person. He knows that. But he also knows it bothers you to be accused of those things. So, he says them... *say it with me*... because he's cold and heartless.
He likes to control you. Accusing you of doing bad things, saying you're not good enough, that you're not beautiful enough... it's all about control. Why does he want to control you? *say it with me*... because he's cold and heartless.
So what do you do? First, understand and accept in your mind that the things he says, he says them only to control you. Second, don't give him the pleasure of having that control over you. How? Simple, if you practice this: Next time he says you damaged his car, just say: "I didn't do it but if it makes you feel happy to believe I did, go ahead." And walk away. If he says: "You're not good enough", say: "I know I'm plenty good, but if it makes you feel happy to believe I'm not, go ahead." And walk away.
Every time you try to explain, justify, convince, or argue with him, you're giving him control over you -- he wins. Stop doing it! Every time he says something that hurts your feelings, just remember this phrase: "he's trying to control me." Don't allow yourself to be controlled. Use the reply I mentioned above instead.
Labels: cold and heartless, control, ex-boyfriend
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I finally got him
Jessica, 18, from New York asks:
So I got with the guy I having been trying to get and I finally got him. Well, now we are having trust issues and it is all me. I mean, I have like no trust in him because of my past relationship and he gets pissed at me but he wants to work it out with me. He came out and told me how he felt about me before I felt about him. I don't know what to do. I love him and he loves me. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
I'm assuming your previous boyfriend cheated on you and now you don't trust the new guy because you fear the same thing will happen again. Is that right?
Well, as the saying goes, once biten, twice shy. It's understandable how you feel. On the other hand, the current guy has NOTHING to do with the previous one, so it's understandable if his patience runs out. Having a jealous partner is very draining.
I'm afraid I can't say anything that will change how you feel. You will continue to make his life unpleasant, he will eventually get fed up, you will break-up and you'll start the cycle all over again with another guy.
The sad part is you will never understand that being suspicious will NEVER stop a guy from cheating on you IF he wants to. All you're doing is training him to be more sneaky if he wants to cheat. And yes, many guys will cheat on their partners, many won't. A great accomplishment is not in knowing in advance which is which -- you will never know until it's too late; it's having the confidence to live a good life, treat your partner with respect, and accept that if he cheats on you, he, not you, is the loser. And that if he does, there is NOTHING you could have done to prevent it. NOTHING!
So I got with the guy I having been trying to get and I finally got him. Well, now we are having trust issues and it is all me. I mean, I have like no trust in him because of my past relationship and he gets pissed at me but he wants to work it out with me. He came out and told me how he felt about me before I felt about him. I don't know what to do. I love him and he loves me. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
I'm assuming your previous boyfriend cheated on you and now you don't trust the new guy because you fear the same thing will happen again. Is that right?
Well, as the saying goes, once biten, twice shy. It's understandable how you feel. On the other hand, the current guy has NOTHING to do with the previous one, so it's understandable if his patience runs out. Having a jealous partner is very draining.
I'm afraid I can't say anything that will change how you feel. You will continue to make his life unpleasant, he will eventually get fed up, you will break-up and you'll start the cycle all over again with another guy.
The sad part is you will never understand that being suspicious will NEVER stop a guy from cheating on you IF he wants to. All you're doing is training him to be more sneaky if he wants to cheat. And yes, many guys will cheat on their partners, many won't. A great accomplishment is not in knowing in advance which is which -- you will never know until it's too late; it's having the confidence to live a good life, treat your partner with respect, and accept that if he cheats on you, he, not you, is the loser. And that if he does, there is NOTHING you could have done to prevent it. NOTHING!
Labels: boyfriend, cheating, jealousy
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
The type of guy that likes the chase
Jaycee, 22, from Canada asks:
A friend of mine who I like as more than a friend seemed to like me back but said that he wanted to wait to sleep together. Before I met him I slept with one of his friends and he told me in the weekend that this puts him off wanting to sleep with me. I asked him why he kept coming around if he was unsure and he said "you know why" and wouldn't say anymore. He said later that I was his best friend. He also said that he is the type of guy that likes the chase, and that I had shown too much interest. I see it as being a good host when he comes to visit and I'm attracted to him so of course it shows. He also said that he likes some attention but not too much but then when I don't text him much he gets mad and says he wonders what I'm doing with other guys when he's not around. I told him I want to be myself and don't want to play games to win him over. Then to see what he said I asked if he wanted to stop seeing me and he said it was a good idea, then I couldn't help becoming upset and he admitted he was trying to wind me up. He just won't talk about his feelings. He said he would come and stay at my place tonight for a week to see how it worked out but now I haven't heard from him. What do I do I have some of his belongings at my house and don't know if this "relationship" is going anywhere, I feel hurt about this guy and wonder if it would be better to end it but every time I see him I back down.
VictorM's advice:
Read your own words. You say you "don't want to play games to win him over. Then to see what he said I asked"... right there you are playing games! Stop that. It's childish.
Most guys hate the idea that a girl they like slept with another guy, much less his friend. It doesn't mean he likes you romantically. Guys are just selfish that way. Read nothing into his egotistical statements -- that's all they are.
Most guys like the chase and when a girl shows too much interest they back away. But that's true only because there's something about her that doesn't quite spell "the one". Not yet anyway.
He knows you like him. He doesn't feel the same way about you. But he likes being around you. Above all, he has control over you. He knows it. He uses it for fun. His fun is your hurt. Stop him from having fun at your expense and the hurt will stop. If you can't do that, you have no one but yourself to blame.
A friend of mine who I like as more than a friend seemed to like me back but said that he wanted to wait to sleep together. Before I met him I slept with one of his friends and he told me in the weekend that this puts him off wanting to sleep with me. I asked him why he kept coming around if he was unsure and he said "you know why" and wouldn't say anymore. He said later that I was his best friend. He also said that he is the type of guy that likes the chase, and that I had shown too much interest. I see it as being a good host when he comes to visit and I'm attracted to him so of course it shows. He also said that he likes some attention but not too much but then when I don't text him much he gets mad and says he wonders what I'm doing with other guys when he's not around. I told him I want to be myself and don't want to play games to win him over. Then to see what he said I asked if he wanted to stop seeing me and he said it was a good idea, then I couldn't help becoming upset and he admitted he was trying to wind me up. He just won't talk about his feelings. He said he would come and stay at my place tonight for a week to see how it worked out but now I haven't heard from him. What do I do I have some of his belongings at my house and don't know if this "relationship" is going anywhere, I feel hurt about this guy and wonder if it would be better to end it but every time I see him I back down.
VictorM's advice:
Read your own words. You say you "don't want to play games to win him over. Then to see what he said I asked"... right there you are playing games! Stop that. It's childish.
Most guys hate the idea that a girl they like slept with another guy, much less his friend. It doesn't mean he likes you romantically. Guys are just selfish that way. Read nothing into his egotistical statements -- that's all they are.
Most guys like the chase and when a girl shows too much interest they back away. But that's true only because there's something about her that doesn't quite spell "the one". Not yet anyway.
He knows you like him. He doesn't feel the same way about you. But he likes being around you. Above all, he has control over you. He knows it. He uses it for fun. His fun is your hurt. Stop him from having fun at your expense and the hurt will stop. If you can't do that, you have no one but yourself to blame.
Labels: best friends, mind games
Speedy
Taleesha, 15, from Nashville, Tn asks:
I need to know if this guy name Speedy is a good mate for me or not?
VictorM's answer:
Only if his last name is Gonzales and you're Minnie.
I need to know if this guy name Speedy is a good mate for me or not?
VictorM's answer:
Only if his last name is Gonzales and you're Minnie.
Labels: minnie mouse, speedy gonzales
He's 2 years younger
a girl, 16, from MN asks:
I really like this guy but he's 2 years younger than me. I'm a junior and he's freshman. I want to tell him I like him but I don't know how. What signals should I show him? Or should I just tell him directly?
VictorM's advice:
You cradle rocker, you! (Just kidding)
Don't tell him at all. Be his friend without being a pal, if you know what I mean. Boys at his age may not be ready for being a boyfriend. It might even be somewhat scary for him considering you're the "older woman". When boys are ready for girls, they like to chase. Conquest is the ultimate ego booster. Let him chase you. If he doesn't, it just means he's not ready yet.
I really like this guy but he's 2 years younger than me. I'm a junior and he's freshman. I want to tell him I like him but I don't know how. What signals should I show him? Or should I just tell him directly?
VictorM's advice:
You cradle rocker, you! (Just kidding)
Don't tell him at all. Be his friend without being a pal, if you know what I mean. Boys at his age may not be ready for being a boyfriend. It might even be somewhat scary for him considering you're the "older woman". When boys are ready for girls, they like to chase. Conquest is the ultimate ego booster. Let him chase you. If he doesn't, it just means he's not ready yet.
Labels: age difference, freshman, junior, older girl, younger boy
Monday, February 19, 2007
He wanted to ask me to be his girlfriend
Ash, 17, from USA asks:
I've known this guy since I was eight years old. A couple of weeks ago his best friend told me he wanted to ask me to be his girlfriend. So I went to the guy and asked him about it, and he sounded kind of mad at his friend but told me that he did want to ask me to be his girlfriend, but he needed time. So I gave him time and a week later he told me he changed his mind, saying that he wanted to nurture our friendship more, and that he was busy right now with work and school. He told me later he wants a relationship with me as much as I want one with him, and he always tells me that he wants me in his life. Does he really want a relationship with me or should I move on?
VictorM's answer:
You blew it when you approached him. You took the fun out of the conquest. At this age, more than anything else, boys like to do things to beat their chest and brag to their friends. Getting the one girl no one thinks he can get is such a thing. But when a girl is a sure thing, some of the fun is lost. That's what you became, the sure-thing. So he's torn between liking you and the male need for conquest.
You don't have to move on, but you should behave as if you are. I bet he'll chase then.
I've known this guy since I was eight years old. A couple of weeks ago his best friend told me he wanted to ask me to be his girlfriend. So I went to the guy and asked him about it, and he sounded kind of mad at his friend but told me that he did want to ask me to be his girlfriend, but he needed time. So I gave him time and a week later he told me he changed his mind, saying that he wanted to nurture our friendship more, and that he was busy right now with work and school. He told me later he wants a relationship with me as much as I want one with him, and he always tells me that he wants me in his life. Does he really want a relationship with me or should I move on?
VictorM's answer:
You blew it when you approached him. You took the fun out of the conquest. At this age, more than anything else, boys like to do things to beat their chest and brag to their friends. Getting the one girl no one thinks he can get is such a thing. But when a girl is a sure thing, some of the fun is lost. That's what you became, the sure-thing. So he's torn between liking you and the male need for conquest.
You don't have to move on, but you should behave as if you are. I bet he'll chase then.
Labels: advice, answer, bragging, just friend, move on, relationship
Sunday, February 18, 2007
I have liked him forever
cass, 16, from Grove asks:
Let's see, I have been dating this guy for a year and three months but I have liked him forever. I am a junior in high school and he is a freshman in college. He has been gone for about 7 months and things have been going well but then he gave me his myspace password and stuff to get on and I found some messages to a girl calling her sexy. When I confronted him it really didn't bother him and he don't seem to care that I am having problems with this long distance relationship. He is not acting like himself. I don't think he has cheated on me yet but I do think he has thought about it. But he talks about our future a lot too. So I'm so confused.
VictorM's advice:
You're confused? So is he, I bet. He's away in college, most likely has strong feelings for you, but there's a whole new world around him. New friends, pressure to do more manly things, new girls around, parties... it's not easy for him either.
Is it possible that his comment to her means nothing? Yes, very possible. Guys often throw out those comments just for the hell of it. He gave you the password, so he's either stupid or innocent.
So what are you to do? I see only two options: either break-up with him if you can't handle the idea he might like someone else and can't cope with the distance, or trust him and make his life very pleasant when he talks to you. But giving him a hard time will just drive him away quicker.
Let's see, I have been dating this guy for a year and three months but I have liked him forever. I am a junior in high school and he is a freshman in college. He has been gone for about 7 months and things have been going well but then he gave me his myspace password and stuff to get on and I found some messages to a girl calling her sexy. When I confronted him it really didn't bother him and he don't seem to care that I am having problems with this long distance relationship. He is not acting like himself. I don't think he has cheated on me yet but I do think he has thought about it. But he talks about our future a lot too. So I'm so confused.
VictorM's advice:
You're confused? So is he, I bet. He's away in college, most likely has strong feelings for you, but there's a whole new world around him. New friends, pressure to do more manly things, new girls around, parties... it's not easy for him either.
Is it possible that his comment to her means nothing? Yes, very possible. Guys often throw out those comments just for the hell of it. He gave you the password, so he's either stupid or innocent.
So what are you to do? I see only two options: either break-up with him if you can't handle the idea he might like someone else and can't cope with the distance, or trust him and make his life very pleasant when he talks to you. But giving him a hard time will just drive him away quicker.
Labels: away at college, boyfriend, long distance relationship
Links to Incest Sites
Princess, 23, from USA asks:
I recently found 2 incest links bookmarked on my boyfriend of 5 month's Netscape bookmarks. Since 1 of the links is for an incest forum which is no longer in service, I believe that he saved those links before we met. Could my boyfriend have a disgusting fetish that I don't know about? And if so, how could I approach him about it without making it obvious that I didn't respect his privacy? I think I have a right to know.
VictorM's advice:
I agree that you have a right to know. But consider that it's possible he was acting out of curiosity, not a fetish. There may be other reasons, such as they were bookmarked by a friend. All I'm saying is, have an open mind as you address this.
Whether you like it or not, most guys have an adventuresome attitude about such things. For most guys, visiting such forums, or viewing porn, is no big deal. There is no emotional attachment to such actions. We view it, we move on. It's no big deal.
Incest, for whatever it's worth, is a common male fantasy. Watching twin sisters engaging in incest is often a joke in teen comedy movies. Do we expect it to happen? No. But males are wired to have very wild and far out fantasies.
If you are concerned that he might be interested in incest within his own family, of course I can't rule it out. I just don't know. But to make that jump based on this information is really far fetched. Like I said, fantasies with incest are very common precisely because they are not the norm in real life.
If you were using his computer with his permission than you didn't violate his privacy. But in any case, at this point, your peace of mind is much more important than his privacy. So ask him about the links. Just don't do it in an accusatory tone of voice. Give him all the benefit of the doubt and consider what I said above before you make a final judgment.
I recently found 2 incest links bookmarked on my boyfriend of 5 month's Netscape bookmarks. Since 1 of the links is for an incest forum which is no longer in service, I believe that he saved those links before we met. Could my boyfriend have a disgusting fetish that I don't know about? And if so, how could I approach him about it without making it obvious that I didn't respect his privacy? I think I have a right to know.
VictorM's advice:
I agree that you have a right to know. But consider that it's possible he was acting out of curiosity, not a fetish. There may be other reasons, such as they were bookmarked by a friend. All I'm saying is, have an open mind as you address this.
Whether you like it or not, most guys have an adventuresome attitude about such things. For most guys, visiting such forums, or viewing porn, is no big deal. There is no emotional attachment to such actions. We view it, we move on. It's no big deal.
Incest, for whatever it's worth, is a common male fantasy. Watching twin sisters engaging in incest is often a joke in teen comedy movies. Do we expect it to happen? No. But males are wired to have very wild and far out fantasies.
If you are concerned that he might be interested in incest within his own family, of course I can't rule it out. I just don't know. But to make that jump based on this information is really far fetched. Like I said, fantasies with incest are very common precisely because they are not the norm in real life.
If you were using his computer with his permission than you didn't violate his privacy. But in any case, at this point, your peace of mind is much more important than his privacy. So ask him about the links. Just don't do it in an accusatory tone of voice. Give him all the benefit of the doubt and consider what I said above before you make a final judgment.
Labels: boyfriend, incest, sexual fantasy
Saturday, February 17, 2007
To get away from everyday stress
JENNIFER, 24, from FT.WORTH asks:
I was wanting too know how I can get my fiancé to understand that all I want is to spend some quite time with him away from our 3 kids. But I don’t know how to ask him about us going to a hotel for a night just to get away from everyday stress. Can you help me?
VictorM's advice:
Wait a minute! You've had three kids with this man, you're about to marry him, and you need help with asking him for a quiet getaway? Something is wrong with this picture.
Look, if you already asked him and he said no, write back, tell me what he said, and I'll show you how to handle it. But if you haven't asked him yet, by all means ask! You have the language right: "How about us going to a hotel for a night just to get away from everyday stress?" (Optionally, you might add: "I bought some new things at Victoria's Secret." *wink, wink*). Oh wait, you're in Texas... OK, substitute Cabelas* for Victoria's Secret. :)
Provided you have good babysitting arrangements, I can't imagine why a sane guy wouldn't go along with getting away. My guess is he will be thrilled. If he isn't, you're still in time to cancel the wedding.
*For those who don't get it, Cabelas is a chain of hunting gear.
I was wanting too know how I can get my fiancé to understand that all I want is to spend some quite time with him away from our 3 kids. But I don’t know how to ask him about us going to a hotel for a night just to get away from everyday stress. Can you help me?
VictorM's advice:
Wait a minute! You've had three kids with this man, you're about to marry him, and you need help with asking him for a quiet getaway? Something is wrong with this picture.
Look, if you already asked him and he said no, write back, tell me what he said, and I'll show you how to handle it. But if you haven't asked him yet, by all means ask! You have the language right: "How about us going to a hotel for a night just to get away from everyday stress?" (Optionally, you might add: "I bought some new things at Victoria's Secret." *wink, wink*). Oh wait, you're in Texas... OK, substitute Cabelas* for Victoria's Secret. :)
Provided you have good babysitting arrangements, I can't imagine why a sane guy wouldn't go along with getting away. My guess is he will be thrilled. If he isn't, you're still in time to cancel the wedding.
*For those who don't get it, Cabelas is a chain of hunting gear.
Labels: being alone, getaway, quiet time
Sex with another girl
amy, 24, from NY asks:
My boyfriend goes to college in MN and we won't see each other for about 5 months. We have been dating for 5 years. We have been talking about what if he wanted to have sex with someone up there. If he has sex with someone else I am scared that he will start to like the other girl? And why do guys want to have sex with different girls when they have someone?
VictorM's answer:
Guys like variety and they place no emotional attachment in the sex act. But if they have a partner, those wishes should not be acted upon. That's typically how it goes.
This is not the time for you to be a wuss. Tell him how you feel about that idea. If you go along with it, you have no one but yourself to blame. He's probably expecting you to put your foot down and say "no way!". Frankly, this shouldn't even be a topic of discussion.
Chances are that if he's going to start liking another girl, it will not be one with whom he has casual sex.
My boyfriend goes to college in MN and we won't see each other for about 5 months. We have been dating for 5 years. We have been talking about what if he wanted to have sex with someone up there. If he has sex with someone else I am scared that he will start to like the other girl? And why do guys want to have sex with different girls when they have someone?
VictorM's answer:
Guys like variety and they place no emotional attachment in the sex act. But if they have a partner, those wishes should not be acted upon. That's typically how it goes.
This is not the time for you to be a wuss. Tell him how you feel about that idea. If you go along with it, you have no one but yourself to blame. He's probably expecting you to put your foot down and say "no way!". Frankly, this shouldn't even be a topic of discussion.
Chances are that if he's going to start liking another girl, it will not be one with whom he has casual sex.
Labels: boyfriend, casual sex, girlfriend, sex with another girl
Friday, February 16, 2007
The Dog Sitter
julia, 32, from new jersey asks:
I wrote in about the dog that I was keeping for this guy a couple months ago. I still have the dog by the way. Anyway, we had gone out before I was keeping the dog. Well over a month ago, we were hanging out, he came over one night, was flirting back and forth, we kissed. Since then, we still hang out about once a week, but he has never tried to kiss me again, that was over a month ago. A couple weeks ago, he invited me to go to the movies, I went. But, when we talk on the phone, conversations last well over an hour, when he comes over to care for dog, he hangs out between 3 and 4 hours. Last time he was here, he was looking at me like he might like me. FYI, he is in school full time, works part time, doesn't have a lot of free time or money. I don't understand his behavior and neither do my friends.
VictorM's advice:
I remember your last question well. I'm surprised that between you and your friends you can't figure out what's so obvious. Think about it... he has a dog sitter for free and a companion when he chooses to, with no questions asked. Why would he want to change that? He kissed you once, realized you'd probably want more from him if the kissing, or more, continued, so he pulled back. He seems to enjoy your company, and he clearly wants you to keep the dog, so he's nice enough but not too nice.
I wrote in about the dog that I was keeping for this guy a couple months ago. I still have the dog by the way. Anyway, we had gone out before I was keeping the dog. Well over a month ago, we were hanging out, he came over one night, was flirting back and forth, we kissed. Since then, we still hang out about once a week, but he has never tried to kiss me again, that was over a month ago. A couple weeks ago, he invited me to go to the movies, I went. But, when we talk on the phone, conversations last well over an hour, when he comes over to care for dog, he hangs out between 3 and 4 hours. Last time he was here, he was looking at me like he might like me. FYI, he is in school full time, works part time, doesn't have a lot of free time or money. I don't understand his behavior and neither do my friends.
VictorM's advice:
I remember your last question well. I'm surprised that between you and your friends you can't figure out what's so obvious. Think about it... he has a dog sitter for free and a companion when he chooses to, with no questions asked. Why would he want to change that? He kissed you once, realized you'd probably want more from him if the kissing, or more, continued, so he pulled back. He seems to enjoy your company, and he clearly wants you to keep the dog, so he's nice enough but not too nice.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
He makes exaggerated movements towards me
clare, 22, asks:
Situation is I like an older man. He flirts with me sometimes and then not others. If I am talking to other people he brings himself into the conversation. And if he's talking to other people he brings me into the conversation. He makes exaggerated movements towards me sometimes. Like he'll pretend he's going to hurt me or something just playing around. He's told me about his friends and their marriages. He tries to make me laugh sometimes. I get eye contact sometimes but not other times. Then sometimes he can be louder and other times I'm lucky if I get a hello. He acts different around me now than what he used to. He was way more talkative with me. What's going on? Why is he acting this way?
VictorM's advice:
Too bad you didn't say how much older. I'm going to assume quite a bit older.
Chances are he's torn between responding to being smitten by your youth, looks, and/or personality and the reality that the age difference between you two is too wide. Sometimes his fantasy mind is acting up and he pays you attention, other times his reality mind takes over and he backs off.
There's a good chance that he thinks he doesn't stand a chance with you. If the age difference is one you think you can handle, you may want to give him strong signals that you like him. But don't dismiss that as much as he likes you, he may not want to get serious with someone as young as you.
Situation is I like an older man. He flirts with me sometimes and then not others. If I am talking to other people he brings himself into the conversation. And if he's talking to other people he brings me into the conversation. He makes exaggerated movements towards me sometimes. Like he'll pretend he's going to hurt me or something just playing around. He's told me about his friends and their marriages. He tries to make me laugh sometimes. I get eye contact sometimes but not other times. Then sometimes he can be louder and other times I'm lucky if I get a hello. He acts different around me now than what he used to. He was way more talkative with me. What's going on? Why is he acting this way?
VictorM's advice:
Too bad you didn't say how much older. I'm going to assume quite a bit older.
Chances are he's torn between responding to being smitten by your youth, looks, and/or personality and the reality that the age difference between you two is too wide. Sometimes his fantasy mind is acting up and he pays you attention, other times his reality mind takes over and he backs off.
There's a good chance that he thinks he doesn't stand a chance with you. If the age difference is one you think you can handle, you may want to give him strong signals that you like him. But don't dismiss that as much as he likes you, he may not want to get serious with someone as young as you.
Labels: advice, age difference, answer
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
I have claimed to be in love with him
Amanda, 18, from Jupiter, FL asks:
Hi. :] I have a boyfriend of 4 months, and I love him, and I have claimed to be in love with him. We both went through a lot of stuff to be together. But while we were in our talking stage I had many guy friends, and ended up liking one of them, his name is Mike. My boyfriend and Mike know each other and aren't friends but they are acquainted. For about 5 months while I was single, I started liking Mike. Even though I had no intentions of being with anyone except my current boyfriend, my feelings for Mike continued to grow. We hung out everyday, a group of us. (Him, me, his best friend, my best friend and many more). I always had fun, and I thought Mike was funny, and cute. We kissed a couple times and cuddled, but nothing pass that. He's a virgin, and has done nothing except kiss girl. He's never had an actual relationship, although he's older than I am. So about two months into me liking Mike, his best friend told me that Mike didn't like me. And of course I believed him. We all drifted apart for other reasons, and I gave up on Mike because I figured he didn't like me and I was wasting my time. Just recently, I saw Mike while I was out with my boyfriend the other day. He mentioned me coming to hang out with him and all my old friends and him missing me. Only this time when I looked at him, I saw him differently, and I think he felt the same way. I could actually take him seriously, and want to try a relationship with him. It turns out that Mike never said anything to his friend about not liking me. His friend made it all up because he didn't want us to get together. Mike just recently hung out with my bestfriend and a couple of our other friends and told her that he couldn't believe that his bestfriend had done that to him because he had liked me since the day we met. He was so mad that his bestfriend would screw him over like that. We've hung out a couple of times since, but nothing happened romantically, because I do have a boyfriend. So I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to approach him. If I should just talk to him about it, or wait to see if he talks to me. He's already admitted to me that he did liked me, and he knows that I liked him. I just don't know what to do because I still have a boyfriend. Please give me some advise on what to do! Thanks so much-Amanda
VictorM's advice:
You claim you're in love with your current boyfriend, but I don't believe it. Not only are you too interested in Mike but your language betrays you. Look: "I still have a boyfriend". The word "still" is a sign you're ready to move on. I bet you're only with him because he's a nice guy and you feel you owe him something.
Break-up with your current boyfriend and after you're single, hook up with Mike and see how it goes. If it works out, great, but if not, at least you won't wonder about it for the rest of your life. Regrets are the worst thing to carry into old age. You almost always regret what you don't do; you seldom regret what you do.
What are you still doing reading this? Stop reading and break-up with your boyfriend (well... maybe you'll want to wait till after Valentine's day).
Hi. :] I have a boyfriend of 4 months, and I love him, and I have claimed to be in love with him. We both went through a lot of stuff to be together. But while we were in our talking stage I had many guy friends, and ended up liking one of them, his name is Mike. My boyfriend and Mike know each other and aren't friends but they are acquainted. For about 5 months while I was single, I started liking Mike. Even though I had no intentions of being with anyone except my current boyfriend, my feelings for Mike continued to grow. We hung out everyday, a group of us. (Him, me, his best friend, my best friend and many more). I always had fun, and I thought Mike was funny, and cute. We kissed a couple times and cuddled, but nothing pass that. He's a virgin, and has done nothing except kiss girl. He's never had an actual relationship, although he's older than I am. So about two months into me liking Mike, his best friend told me that Mike didn't like me. And of course I believed him. We all drifted apart for other reasons, and I gave up on Mike because I figured he didn't like me and I was wasting my time. Just recently, I saw Mike while I was out with my boyfriend the other day. He mentioned me coming to hang out with him and all my old friends and him missing me. Only this time when I looked at him, I saw him differently, and I think he felt the same way. I could actually take him seriously, and want to try a relationship with him. It turns out that Mike never said anything to his friend about not liking me. His friend made it all up because he didn't want us to get together. Mike just recently hung out with my bestfriend and a couple of our other friends and told her that he couldn't believe that his bestfriend had done that to him because he had liked me since the day we met. He was so mad that his bestfriend would screw him over like that. We've hung out a couple of times since, but nothing happened romantically, because I do have a boyfriend. So I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to approach him. If I should just talk to him about it, or wait to see if he talks to me. He's already admitted to me that he did liked me, and he knows that I liked him. I just don't know what to do because I still have a boyfriend. Please give me some advise on what to do! Thanks so much-Amanda
VictorM's advice:
You claim you're in love with your current boyfriend, but I don't believe it. Not only are you too interested in Mike but your language betrays you. Look: "I still have a boyfriend". The word "still" is a sign you're ready to move on. I bet you're only with him because he's a nice guy and you feel you owe him something.
Break-up with your current boyfriend and after you're single, hook up with Mike and see how it goes. If it works out, great, but if not, at least you won't wonder about it for the rest of your life. Regrets are the worst thing to carry into old age. You almost always regret what you don't do; you seldom regret what you do.
What are you still doing reading this? Stop reading and break-up with your boyfriend (well... maybe you'll want to wait till after Valentine's day).
Labels: advice, answer, best friends, boyfriend
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
He didn't cuddle me to sleep
Ada, 35, asks:
I have been dating a man for three months now. He keeps telling me about the future and how much he loves me. I spent a night with him at the hotel on my birthday. I was just wondering why he didn't cuddle me to sleep. And why he didn't plan anything special for my birthday, not even a simple card. Does it mean he doesn't love me for real?
VictorM's answer:
No, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you; it just means he doesn't show it the way you'd like him to. But don't let these signs go to waste. Do you want a man who doesn't cuddle and doesn't plan something special? If you do, you found your guy, otherwise, you have to decide if him loving you his own way is enough for you.
I know the guy can't read your mind, so if you're going to give him another chance please, please, please don't make the common mistake that women make and insist that he SHOULD know what you like. That's bullshit! Help him do the things that please you. Because if you don't, and expect him to change on his own, you're risking being dead wrong.
I have been dating a man for three months now. He keeps telling me about the future and how much he loves me. I spent a night with him at the hotel on my birthday. I was just wondering why he didn't cuddle me to sleep. And why he didn't plan anything special for my birthday, not even a simple card. Does it mean he doesn't love me for real?
VictorM's answer:
No, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you; it just means he doesn't show it the way you'd like him to. But don't let these signs go to waste. Do you want a man who doesn't cuddle and doesn't plan something special? If you do, you found your guy, otherwise, you have to decide if him loving you his own way is enough for you.
I know the guy can't read your mind, so if you're going to give him another chance please, please, please don't make the common mistake that women make and insist that he SHOULD know what you like. That's bullshit! Help him do the things that please you. Because if you don't, and expect him to change on his own, you're risking being dead wrong.
Labels: advice, cold fish, cuddling
He gave up at the end after trying so hard
judy, 27 asks:
Hello, I have been knowing a wonderful friend for a year now. In the past, we always email to each other everyday. He tried to get to know me better. But I kept a distance with him. He is great. Always there for me when I need someone to talk to. But I couldn't open myself completely to him by that time. So he gave up at the end after trying so hard. After few months, I tried to call him again and email him, but no reply. I don't want to lose this great friend. What should I do now?
VictorM's advice:
It's possible that he has a girlfriend and is not interesting in upsetting her (if so, he should at least reply and let you know that).
I think you already lost him but it doesn't hurt to email a few more times. But really, why should he reply? What is likely, if anything, to change? In any case, call and email a few more times. After that, give it up and find another friend.
Hello, I have been knowing a wonderful friend for a year now. In the past, we always email to each other everyday. He tried to get to know me better. But I kept a distance with him. He is great. Always there for me when I need someone to talk to. But I couldn't open myself completely to him by that time. So he gave up at the end after trying so hard. After few months, I tried to call him again and email him, but no reply. I don't want to lose this great friend. What should I do now?
VictorM's advice:
It's possible that he has a girlfriend and is not interesting in upsetting her (if so, he should at least reply and let you know that).
I think you already lost him but it doesn't hurt to email a few more times. But really, why should he reply? What is likely, if anything, to change? In any case, call and email a few more times. After that, give it up and find another friend.
Labels: advice, best friends
Super straight forward
chloe, high schoolean, from somewhere in the world asks:
So I haven't done a great job with the guy I like. I kinda went super straight forward and am sorta pushing something to happen and I keep sending him messages like "why hasn't anything happened since I told you I liked you" and stuff like that and we don't talk at school and we are super shy around each other. We really don't talk at all but I adore him so much and have liked him for over 4 months... and apparently around his friends he's normal but when we see each other and get out a hello we tend to look into each others eyes for like 5 sec. a slow 5 sec and then its awkward the rest of the night. Can anyone give me advice on how to win him over?
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't have to make a move. Why? Because he already knows you like him. It's like seeing a suspense movie and knowing the ending -- it takes some of the excitement off. Besides, you're putting too much pressure on the guy with those messages. Cut that out!
I suggest you try to just be his friend. Invite him to a movie, to the local hamburger joint, to go bowling (anything that you know he likes) and behave just like a friend. If he feels you're not an obsessive maniac he'll feel more relaxed talking to you.
My guess is that you're both around 15 and it's quite likely that he's not ready yet for a girlfriend, much less an aggressive one.
So I haven't done a great job with the guy I like. I kinda went super straight forward and am sorta pushing something to happen and I keep sending him messages like "why hasn't anything happened since I told you I liked you" and stuff like that and we don't talk at school and we are super shy around each other. We really don't talk at all but I adore him so much and have liked him for over 4 months... and apparently around his friends he's normal but when we see each other and get out a hello we tend to look into each others eyes for like 5 sec. a slow 5 sec and then its awkward the rest of the night. Can anyone give me advice on how to win him over?
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't have to make a move. Why? Because he already knows you like him. It's like seeing a suspense movie and knowing the ending -- it takes some of the excitement off. Besides, you're putting too much pressure on the guy with those messages. Cut that out!
I suggest you try to just be his friend. Invite him to a movie, to the local hamburger joint, to go bowling (anything that you know he likes) and behave just like a friend. If he feels you're not an obsessive maniac he'll feel more relaxed talking to you.
My guess is that you're both around 15 and it's quite likely that he's not ready yet for a girlfriend, much less an aggressive one.
Labels: advice, answer, high-school, shy
Monday, February 12, 2007
The ex came into the coffee shop
meg, from Canada asks:
I wrote before and it was about an ex. Last week the ex came into the coffee shop where my friend and I were. I haven't talked to him since we broke up. Anyway, we talked for about 2 hours, he was telling me he was buying another house in 6 months. My friend asked where in town or in the country he said country. When we were dating I told him that I love to live in the country. He asked how my kids were doing, talked about work, then it got kinda weird like showing us his tattoo which was on his chest, and saying he has been working out, asked if i was still working at the bar, told him I had another job and he was like oh yeah where, my cell phone was on the table and he grabbed it and was looking at it and I asked him what he was doing and he was like I'm looking at the pictures that you took and I was like no you're not and took my phone from him. He said WHY WHO DO YOU HAVE PICS OF which I thought was weird because I'm not with him. I wanna know why after all this time almost a year would he come in and sit down, what does he want from me? Did he do this because he wanted to see if I would tell him to get lost or to find out if i was seeing someone so he could try again, or was he just in the area and thought he would stop in to say hi, lol thanks
VictorM's answer:
Meg, he's your ex, not your enemy. Exes run into each other from time to time. People buy houses in the country, they are nosey, playful, boastful... it's just the way it is. Life is not a romance novel where everything is done for a reason. He saw you, stopped in, talked for a while, and he moved on. There's no mystery, no plot, no rhyme or reason... just humans relating to each other.
I wrote before and it was about an ex. Last week the ex came into the coffee shop where my friend and I were. I haven't talked to him since we broke up. Anyway, we talked for about 2 hours, he was telling me he was buying another house in 6 months. My friend asked where in town or in the country he said country. When we were dating I told him that I love to live in the country. He asked how my kids were doing, talked about work, then it got kinda weird like showing us his tattoo which was on his chest, and saying he has been working out, asked if i was still working at the bar, told him I had another job and he was like oh yeah where, my cell phone was on the table and he grabbed it and was looking at it and I asked him what he was doing and he was like I'm looking at the pictures that you took and I was like no you're not and took my phone from him. He said WHY WHO DO YOU HAVE PICS OF which I thought was weird because I'm not with him. I wanna know why after all this time almost a year would he come in and sit down, what does he want from me? Did he do this because he wanted to see if I would tell him to get lost or to find out if i was seeing someone so he could try again, or was he just in the area and thought he would stop in to say hi, lol thanks
VictorM's answer:
Meg, he's your ex, not your enemy. Exes run into each other from time to time. People buy houses in the country, they are nosey, playful, boastful... it's just the way it is. Life is not a romance novel where everything is done for a reason. He saw you, stopped in, talked for a while, and he moved on. There's no mystery, no plot, no rhyme or reason... just humans relating to each other.
Labels: advice, answer, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend
Sunday, February 11, 2007
We still haven't kissed
Jessica, 15, from Alabama asks:
I have been dating this guy for about a month and we still haven't kissed. We are both pretty shy and I don't know if he is just too nervous to initiate it. I really want it to happen but how can I go about it without making it too awkward?
VictorM's advice:
Oh you can bet your last stick of lip gloss that he wants to kiss you, but man, that first kiss is so hard. I bet he's terrified of screwing up.
You can try some humor. Stand in front of him and say: "Kiss me, you fool" and smile.
Come on Jessica, go for it and let us know how it turned out.
I have been dating this guy for about a month and we still haven't kissed. We are both pretty shy and I don't know if he is just too nervous to initiate it. I really want it to happen but how can I go about it without making it too awkward?
VictorM's advice:
Oh you can bet your last stick of lip gloss that he wants to kiss you, but man, that first kiss is so hard. I bet he's terrified of screwing up.
You can try some humor. Stand in front of him and say: "Kiss me, you fool" and smile.
Come on Jessica, go for it and let us know how it turned out.
Labels: advice, answer, first kiss
Saturday, February 10, 2007
We hit it off right away
Bonnie, 43, from Ontario, Canada asks:
I met a guy who joined our Department at work last summer. We hit it off right away and seem to bring out the best in each other. We are always making each other laugh and love to be around each other. We became friends very quickly and he is always teasing me and I catch him staring at me across the room all the time. He is always watching me closely. He has told other people in the company when they ask him why he is single that he is a heartbreaker and doesn't want to be in a bad relationship. Lately he brushes against me and pokes me, little touchy feely things but not in a sexual fashion. I have invited him to go do things and he has come to my place for a housewarming party before. How do I really know if he is interested in me? Reg is very special to me and he seems to bring out the best in me. Now I am very sociable and laugh all the time, I am always happy when he is around. He is always complimenting me and we share lunches. Do you have any advice for keeping the magic or perhaps helping it to grow. Do you think he is gun shy perhaps?
VictorM's answer:
The first thing to consider is that he may be reluctant to take things to the next level because you are coworkers. Some people have a big problem with that and prefer to keep a certain distance even with someone they really like. This should be a topic of conversation at some point between you two. Then you'll have a better idea of his interest in you.
I don't buy the gun shy reason. People walk away from others only if they feel they are not the ideal partner. He's single because he's never found someone worth taking a risk. That might change with you, it might not. Time will tell.
Don't rush him. I always say that two people should move into a relationship at the pace of the slowest one (usually the male). The other one is wise to exercise patience.
I met a guy who joined our Department at work last summer. We hit it off right away and seem to bring out the best in each other. We are always making each other laugh and love to be around each other. We became friends very quickly and he is always teasing me and I catch him staring at me across the room all the time. He is always watching me closely. He has told other people in the company when they ask him why he is single that he is a heartbreaker and doesn't want to be in a bad relationship. Lately he brushes against me and pokes me, little touchy feely things but not in a sexual fashion. I have invited him to go do things and he has come to my place for a housewarming party before. How do I really know if he is interested in me? Reg is very special to me and he seems to bring out the best in me. Now I am very sociable and laugh all the time, I am always happy when he is around. He is always complimenting me and we share lunches. Do you have any advice for keeping the magic or perhaps helping it to grow. Do you think he is gun shy perhaps?
VictorM's answer:
The first thing to consider is that he may be reluctant to take things to the next level because you are coworkers. Some people have a big problem with that and prefer to keep a certain distance even with someone they really like. This should be a topic of conversation at some point between you two. Then you'll have a better idea of his interest in you.
I don't buy the gun shy reason. People walk away from others only if they feel they are not the ideal partner. He's single because he's never found someone worth taking a risk. That might change with you, it might not. Time will tell.
Don't rush him. I always say that two people should move into a relationship at the pace of the slowest one (usually the male). The other one is wise to exercise patience.
Labels: coworker, relationship
I like this kid
Bek, 18, from Pennsylvania asks:
Ok so, I like this kid, and he knows, but he's not weirded about it at all. We actually started hanging out more and more after he found out. Only problem is that he said that he doesn't have those feelings for me, yet sometimes he says that he doesn't want to ruin our friendship and also said someday in the future maybe we'll go out, because you never know what the future holds. He is really touchy-feely with me, example: always poking me playing with my hair, laying on me, putting his arm around me, and kissed me on the cheek like 5 times. I asked him about going to the prom and he said that he would go with me, but only as friends. I've been there for him through so much and I am the only girl, he says, that knows so much about him besides his mom and sister. I am really confused, I don't know if he likes me or not, perhaps he's in denial?
VictorM's advice:
I wouldn't call it denial, just not ready for romance with you yet. A romantic relationship implies sex (or at least making out), gifts, responsibility, commitment, etc. He may just not be ready for all of that yet. So whether it's conscienciously or subconsciously, he's just reacting to not being ready yet.
Often, the best relationships start exactly the way you describe. When a guy can show those kinds of feelings towards a girl without just wanting sex, those feelings are sincere and create a level of respect that give you a stronger foundation if and when a relationship develops. So, I say, enjoy what you have now and relax about the future. If it's meant to be, it will be, and if so, it'll probably be great. If not, you have a great friend. Either way, you win.
Ok so, I like this kid, and he knows, but he's not weirded about it at all. We actually started hanging out more and more after he found out. Only problem is that he said that he doesn't have those feelings for me, yet sometimes he says that he doesn't want to ruin our friendship and also said someday in the future maybe we'll go out, because you never know what the future holds. He is really touchy-feely with me, example: always poking me playing with my hair, laying on me, putting his arm around me, and kissed me on the cheek like 5 times. I asked him about going to the prom and he said that he would go with me, but only as friends. I've been there for him through so much and I am the only girl, he says, that knows so much about him besides his mom and sister. I am really confused, I don't know if he likes me or not, perhaps he's in denial?
VictorM's advice:
I wouldn't call it denial, just not ready for romance with you yet. A romantic relationship implies sex (or at least making out), gifts, responsibility, commitment, etc. He may just not be ready for all of that yet. So whether it's conscienciously or subconsciously, he's just reacting to not being ready yet.
Often, the best relationships start exactly the way you describe. When a guy can show those kinds of feelings towards a girl without just wanting sex, those feelings are sincere and create a level of respect that give you a stronger foundation if and when a relationship develops. So, I say, enjoy what you have now and relax about the future. If it's meant to be, it will be, and if so, it'll probably be great. If not, you have a great friend. Either way, you win.
Labels: advice, answer, best friends, relationship, romance
Bitch too much
Jami, 16, from Indiana asks:
I have been with this guy for now 2 years off and on.....now I am pregnant and due in March and he has been doing some drugs and he told me that I bitch too much so he needs his space but now he won't even talk to me. What does this mean? And when he told me that he said he didn't want to split up!
VictorM's answer:
I'm going to assume he's around your age. He's probably terrified of the idea of being a father. Just because he's not the one carrying the baby doesn't mean it doesn't affect him -- it does. I understand you need his attention, and rightly so, but he's having a hard time handling the responsibility, hence the "bitch too much" comment.
Asking for space is just a reflection of his inability to handle the situation. It's a reflection of his fears, not his feelings.
I have been with this guy for now 2 years off and on.....now I am pregnant and due in March and he has been doing some drugs and he told me that I bitch too much so he needs his space but now he won't even talk to me. What does this mean? And when he told me that he said he didn't want to split up!
VictorM's answer:
I'm going to assume he's around your age. He's probably terrified of the idea of being a father. Just because he's not the one carrying the baby doesn't mean it doesn't affect him -- it does. I understand you need his attention, and rightly so, but he's having a hard time handling the responsibility, hence the "bitch too much" comment.
Asking for space is just a reflection of his inability to handle the situation. It's a reflection of his fears, not his feelings.
Labels: advice, answer, pregnant, space
Friday, February 09, 2007
Two-handed hugger
a girl, 15, from joliett asks:
I am 15 and I like this guy. All my friends say he likes me but I don't know. He just broke up with his girlfriend but before he did a girl asked him if he liked me he didn't say no but he said I have a girlfriend. But he looks at me differently than he does other girls and when we do get the chance to talk we talk the whole period. And one more thing, today since he was dropping tech class my friend asked him for a hug he hugged her like he didn't want to ( he used one hand) but when I asked him for one he was like yeah you can have a hug in a happy way (and hugged me with two hands). I don't know if he likes me? please help
VictorM's answer:
Yeah, those are all signs that he likes you, for sure. Now, what are you going to do about it?
Well, whatever you do, don't tell him you like him first. You can move things along discreetly, but don't be too forward.
I am 15 and I like this guy. All my friends say he likes me but I don't know. He just broke up with his girlfriend but before he did a girl asked him if he liked me he didn't say no but he said I have a girlfriend. But he looks at me differently than he does other girls and when we do get the chance to talk we talk the whole period. And one more thing, today since he was dropping tech class my friend asked him for a hug he hugged her like he didn't want to ( he used one hand) but when I asked him for one he was like yeah you can have a hug in a happy way (and hugged me with two hands). I don't know if he likes me? please help
VictorM's answer:
Yeah, those are all signs that he likes you, for sure. Now, what are you going to do about it?
Well, whatever you do, don't tell him you like him first. You can move things along discreetly, but don't be too forward.
Labels: does he like me
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Why Men Get Upset
Jessica, 22, from United States asks:
Hey, I was wondering why men get upset if women don't give them sex when they want it?
VictorM's answer:
Let me answer this in terms you might understand. Let's say you have this great party in 2 days that you're planning to attend and you have the perfect dress that looks awesome on you. You have been looking around for the perfect shoes to go with it and you just can't find them. Then, there you are, visiting your 784th shoe store when you find them. The perfect color, the perfect design, the perfect price. You go in, all excited and ask to try size 7. They tell you they only have sizes 6 and 8, not 7. You ask if they can order size 7 and they say yes, it will arrive in 5 days. Let me ask you, just about this time wouldn't you be upset? Of course you would. But why? So you don't get the shoes for the party, big deal! You'll get them for the next party. But you know it doesn't work that way, right? You want them for THIS party, damn it! Well, that's how guys feel when they can't get sex THIS time.
So, if you don't want the shoe story to happen to you, never, never, NEVER, say no to your guy -- it'll be really bad karma.
Hey, I was wondering why men get upset if women don't give them sex when they want it?
VictorM's answer:
Let me answer this in terms you might understand. Let's say you have this great party in 2 days that you're planning to attend and you have the perfect dress that looks awesome on you. You have been looking around for the perfect shoes to go with it and you just can't find them. Then, there you are, visiting your 784th shoe store when you find them. The perfect color, the perfect design, the perfect price. You go in, all excited and ask to try size 7. They tell you they only have sizes 6 and 8, not 7. You ask if they can order size 7 and they say yes, it will arrive in 5 days. Let me ask you, just about this time wouldn't you be upset? Of course you would. But why? So you don't get the shoes for the party, big deal! You'll get them for the next party. But you know it doesn't work that way, right? You want them for THIS party, damn it! Well, that's how guys feel when they can't get sex THIS time.
So, if you don't want the shoe story to happen to you, never, never, NEVER, say no to your guy -- it'll be really bad karma.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Doesn't Want to get Hurt
kate, 26, from New Zealand asks:
A guy who I have been interested in for awhile has a reputation for being a bit of a player. He paid me attention on and off for 6 months but recently has been visiting me once or twice a week. During one of these visits he brought his best friend of 12 years with him and we all had dinner together and watched movies. He often stays the night and we fool around a bit but he said he wants to wait to sleep together. He said that he finds me very attractive. We have great conversation and laughs together. He has however never asked me out to places as yet and sometimes visits me at night after he has been out with his friends and their girlfriends. He said that he is a busy person and likes space to get things done. I'm not the type to crowd someone but am starting to have strong feelings for him and don't want to get hurt. What do you think his intentions are?
VictorM's advice:
If you don't want to get hurt become a nun. Face it, anytime you get entangled romantically, pain and disappointment are only a split second away.
His intentions are the same as most men: to get the most he can by giving as little as possible in return. If he can visit you when he feels like, fool around a little bit when he feels like, get a meal and watch a movie when he feels like, and have to make no commitment, assume no responsibility, and be free to come and go at will by simple saying he's busy, hey, millions and millions of men would sign up instantly for that gig. And oh, trust me, he wants sex, he's just being coy with you, but sex is a goal. He's got a good thing going, so if you let it, your current setup will go on for years.
You have to act on your own time table and what's best for you. Don't be afraid to say something that might scare him way -- the only guys that scare away are the ones that aren't that much into the relationship to begin with. Since you have reached a point of strong feelings for him, the sooner you find out about his feelings for you the better. If he responds in kind, great. But if he gives you excuses, like he's busy or other bullshit, it just means he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. In this case, whether you continue to entertain him is up to you, but be aware that's all you will be -- entertainment.
A guy who I have been interested in for awhile has a reputation for being a bit of a player. He paid me attention on and off for 6 months but recently has been visiting me once or twice a week. During one of these visits he brought his best friend of 12 years with him and we all had dinner together and watched movies. He often stays the night and we fool around a bit but he said he wants to wait to sleep together. He said that he finds me very attractive. We have great conversation and laughs together. He has however never asked me out to places as yet and sometimes visits me at night after he has been out with his friends and their girlfriends. He said that he is a busy person and likes space to get things done. I'm not the type to crowd someone but am starting to have strong feelings for him and don't want to get hurt. What do you think his intentions are?
VictorM's advice:
If you don't want to get hurt become a nun. Face it, anytime you get entangled romantically, pain and disappointment are only a split second away.
His intentions are the same as most men: to get the most he can by giving as little as possible in return. If he can visit you when he feels like, fool around a little bit when he feels like, get a meal and watch a movie when he feels like, and have to make no commitment, assume no responsibility, and be free to come and go at will by simple saying he's busy, hey, millions and millions of men would sign up instantly for that gig. And oh, trust me, he wants sex, he's just being coy with you, but sex is a goal. He's got a good thing going, so if you let it, your current setup will go on for years.
You have to act on your own time table and what's best for you. Don't be afraid to say something that might scare him way -- the only guys that scare away are the ones that aren't that much into the relationship to begin with. Since you have reached a point of strong feelings for him, the sooner you find out about his feelings for you the better. If he responds in kind, great. But if he gives you excuses, like he's busy or other bullshit, it just means he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. In this case, whether you continue to entertain him is up to you, but be aware that's all you will be -- entertainment.
Labels: commitment, pain, relationship, romance
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
He has become friends with a girl he works with
Tonya, 26, from waynesboro pa asks:
My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years. We live together in a house we bought together. We talk about the future, about getting married and having a child. Recently he has become friends with a girl he works with. She calls him on the phone to chat and he calls her. He promises they are just friends and I have nothing to worry about. He has never given me a reason not to trust him before. Should I continue to trust him and this new friendship?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should, until you have reason to believe otherwise.
I bet she's understanding with him about you. If you start being obnoxious with him about her, whose company do you think he might feel more inclined to seek? Besides, there's little you can do about the fact that he probably spends more time with her than with you. If the time he spends with you is fun and rewarding, you'll have less to worry about.
Having said that, exchanging private phone numbers with a coworker of the opposite sex and using that number to call each other frequently is a little bit unnerving, particularly if he finds her attractive. His promise, by the way, that they're just friends should be totally ignored -- he'd give you that answer even if they weren't just friends. What you have to do is follow your gut. I'm sure that having lived with him for 6 years you will know, even better than him, if his friendship with her starts crossing the line. If it does, I'm sure you'll recognize the twinkle in his eyes when he talks about her. Don't ask him to stop talking about her -- that will be your best gauge of what he thinks of her.
Regardless of what happens, if your boyfriend has any brains he'll soon realize that these friendly calls must stop; nothing good will come from nurturing a friendship like this, particularly if you have already expressed your concern. If you don't see a change shortly, worry that either he's getting too attached to her or that he's a moron when it comes to treating you right.
My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years. We live together in a house we bought together. We talk about the future, about getting married and having a child. Recently he has become friends with a girl he works with. She calls him on the phone to chat and he calls her. He promises they are just friends and I have nothing to worry about. He has never given me a reason not to trust him before. Should I continue to trust him and this new friendship?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you should, until you have reason to believe otherwise.
I bet she's understanding with him about you. If you start being obnoxious with him about her, whose company do you think he might feel more inclined to seek? Besides, there's little you can do about the fact that he probably spends more time with her than with you. If the time he spends with you is fun and rewarding, you'll have less to worry about.
Having said that, exchanging private phone numbers with a coworker of the opposite sex and using that number to call each other frequently is a little bit unnerving, particularly if he finds her attractive. His promise, by the way, that they're just friends should be totally ignored -- he'd give you that answer even if they weren't just friends. What you have to do is follow your gut. I'm sure that having lived with him for 6 years you will know, even better than him, if his friendship with her starts crossing the line. If it does, I'm sure you'll recognize the twinkle in his eyes when he talks about her. Don't ask him to stop talking about her -- that will be your best gauge of what he thinks of her.
Regardless of what happens, if your boyfriend has any brains he'll soon realize that these friendly calls must stop; nothing good will come from nurturing a friendship like this, particularly if you have already expressed your concern. If you don't see a change shortly, worry that either he's getting too attached to her or that he's a moron when it comes to treating you right.
Labels: coworker, friendship, relationship
Sex with his cousin
Victoria, 32, from NYC asks:
A guy I started dating a few weeks ago asked me to fuck his cousin and a few other friends. I told him not to bother me again. What kind of a guy would ask that from a woman he didn't even have sex with?
VictorM's answer:
An asshole!
A guy I started dating a few weeks ago asked me to fuck his cousin and a few other friends. I told him not to bother me again. What kind of a guy would ask that from a woman he didn't even have sex with?
VictorM's answer:
An asshole!
Monday, February 05, 2007
He doesn't call
kiah, 18, from ca asks:
If a guy asks you out and doesn't call you does he still like you or is it over?
VictorM's answer:
He could still like you and just not like phones. But if that's so, you have to wonder if he likes you enough, don't you?
If a guy asks you out and doesn't call you does he still like you or is it over?
VictorM's answer:
He could still like you and just not like phones. But if that's so, you have to wonder if he likes you enough, don't you?
Labels: guys, phone call
Saturday, February 03, 2007
His friends like drinking, smoking, and paying for sex
Andy, 30, from asia asks:
Hi, I have been dating a man for three months now. One day, I went out with him and his friends to karaoke. I found all his friends like drinking, smoking, and paying for sex. One of his friends asked a lady to sit next to him and do all those kissing and touching things with tips for her after. My boyfriend is with me most of the time but will hang out with his buddy once in a while. I can't help and stop thinking that he will look for the hooker behind my back. He promises me he won't. And he promises me he will stop smoking. Actually he does hardly smoke now. How can I stop thinking that he wouldn't do things that will hurt me in my back? I know everyone needs friends and all those are his long time friends now. It is not right to ask him not to see them. Please advise!
VictorM's advice:
Just because his friends behave that way doesn't mean he does. Even if he did before he met you, maybe he doesn't now. It's totally possible. But there's no guarantees he will not hurt you behind your back. These are the chances you take. You either trust him or you don't.
His choice of friends and what he thinks of them and their behavior is something you should take into consideration as you judge if he's the right man for you.
Hi, I have been dating a man for three months now. One day, I went out with him and his friends to karaoke. I found all his friends like drinking, smoking, and paying for sex. One of his friends asked a lady to sit next to him and do all those kissing and touching things with tips for her after. My boyfriend is with me most of the time but will hang out with his buddy once in a while. I can't help and stop thinking that he will look for the hooker behind my back. He promises me he won't. And he promises me he will stop smoking. Actually he does hardly smoke now. How can I stop thinking that he wouldn't do things that will hurt me in my back? I know everyone needs friends and all those are his long time friends now. It is not right to ask him not to see them. Please advise!
VictorM's advice:
Just because his friends behave that way doesn't mean he does. Even if he did before he met you, maybe he doesn't now. It's totally possible. But there's no guarantees he will not hurt you behind your back. These are the chances you take. You either trust him or you don't.
His choice of friends and what he thinks of them and their behavior is something you should take into consideration as you judge if he's the right man for you.
Labels: best friends, boyfriend, trust
Friday, February 02, 2007
He has a girlfriend
Laura, 16, from Minnesota asks:
So I really liked this guy but the problem is I didn't know that he liked me so I never told him. Then he asked out another girl and she said yes and then I found out that he did like me. I guess my problem is he is still giving me signals but I haven't acted on them because he has a girlfriend. What should I do? Should I act on it or not? thanks.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you mean by he's "giving me signals" and "should I act on it". But in your age group relationships don't usually have staying power and he may very well be looking for a sign from you. I don't think you should go out of your way to get between him and his girlfriend, but if you like him, there's no reason not to show that you'd be receptive to him IF he didn't have a girlfriend. But you should not encourage him too much as long as he has a girlfriend. After all, if he doesn't respect her, he probably won't respect you.
So I really liked this guy but the problem is I didn't know that he liked me so I never told him. Then he asked out another girl and she said yes and then I found out that he did like me. I guess my problem is he is still giving me signals but I haven't acted on them because he has a girlfriend. What should I do? Should I act on it or not? thanks.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you mean by he's "giving me signals" and "should I act on it". But in your age group relationships don't usually have staying power and he may very well be looking for a sign from you. I don't think you should go out of your way to get between him and his girlfriend, but if you like him, there's no reason not to show that you'd be receptive to him IF he didn't have a girlfriend. But you should not encourage him too much as long as he has a girlfriend. After all, if he doesn't respect her, he probably won't respect you.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Ring on Christmas
Christina, 16, from royal city asks:
If a guy gives you a ring on Christmas does he really love you?
VictorM's advice:
He might really love you but giving you a ring proves nothing.
If a guy gives you a ring on Christmas does he really love you?
VictorM's advice:
He might really love you but giving you a ring proves nothing.
No call back
Christina, 16, from royal city asks:
What would you do if a guy hung up on you and didn't call back?
VictorM's advice:
Wait a day and call him back. If you like him, it's important to not let these silly things stand in the way. Guys will get moody over a fight or argument, but they get over things quicker than girls and once they do, it's over. If you don't like him that much, call him anyway, prove you're the bigger "man" and aren't going to let someone like him impact your life. Either way, these types of misunderstandings only get resolved by communicating. If he's too immature to do it, you don't have to be. Call him.
I like your questions; they're short and to the point. :)
What would you do if a guy hung up on you and didn't call back?
VictorM's advice:
Wait a day and call him back. If you like him, it's important to not let these silly things stand in the way. Guys will get moody over a fight or argument, but they get over things quicker than girls and once they do, it's over. If you don't like him that much, call him anyway, prove you're the bigger "man" and aren't going to let someone like him impact your life. Either way, these types of misunderstandings only get resolved by communicating. If he's too immature to do it, you don't have to be. Call him.
I like your questions; they're short and to the point. :)
Is it wrong to have sex before a relationship
Anonymous, 22, from Texas asks:
Is it wrong to have sex before a relationship if you known a guy for a while now? Ok I have really come to the point where I started liking this guy I been talking to for a year online through instant messaging. I got hints that he was liking me to because when I would make a comment you are crazy lol and he would say, " over you," then another one was that he said he wanted everything and I ask what was he meaning by that and he said you. I feel like I know him very well and so far he has been honest with me. We never met in person but we will meet within the next year. The only problem is that he is wanting sex from me. Knowing me I like to ask questions before going through with it. So I asked if we were to have sex would he use me and he told me, "No!" So should I take him serious if we have been talking for a while?
VictorM's advice:
Whether it's wrong or not to have sex is up to you based on your value system. But if you believe the guy's "No" answer to using you you may need a brain transplant. Come on, get real! What did you expect him to say?
This relationship of yours is silly. Let me ask you, does this guy have body odor? Does he shower regularly? Does he brush his teeth twice a day at least? The truth is, you don't know. You're talking about having sex with a man you may find repulsive when you meet him. And this line of yours: "I feel like I know him very well and so far he has been honest with me" is disturbing. You know NOTHING about him. You have NO IDEA if he's being honest. And while there is no denying that virtually every guy has sex in the back of his mind, to be this forward about it, it truly a bad sign.
You can decide to have sex or not based on your values, but based purely on your words I have to say you are nowhere near being mature enough to meet this guy much less to have sex with him.
Is it wrong to have sex before a relationship if you known a guy for a while now? Ok I have really come to the point where I started liking this guy I been talking to for a year online through instant messaging. I got hints that he was liking me to because when I would make a comment you are crazy lol and he would say, " over you," then another one was that he said he wanted everything and I ask what was he meaning by that and he said you. I feel like I know him very well and so far he has been honest with me. We never met in person but we will meet within the next year. The only problem is that he is wanting sex from me. Knowing me I like to ask questions before going through with it. So I asked if we were to have sex would he use me and he told me, "No!" So should I take him serious if we have been talking for a while?
VictorM's advice:
Whether it's wrong or not to have sex is up to you based on your value system. But if you believe the guy's "No" answer to using you you may need a brain transplant. Come on, get real! What did you expect him to say?
This relationship of yours is silly. Let me ask you, does this guy have body odor? Does he shower regularly? Does he brush his teeth twice a day at least? The truth is, you don't know. You're talking about having sex with a man you may find repulsive when you meet him. And this line of yours: "I feel like I know him very well and so far he has been honest with me" is disturbing. You know NOTHING about him. You have NO IDEA if he's being honest. And while there is no denying that virtually every guy has sex in the back of his mind, to be this forward about it, it truly a bad sign.
You can decide to have sex or not based on your values, but based purely on your words I have to say you are nowhere near being mature enough to meet this guy much less to have sex with him.
Labels: long distance relationship, sex
