|
Our discussion forum is open for business. Come say hello. |
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tell him!
Jessica, 22, from New York asks:
Well the guy who I was going to tell I had feelings for while he told me first how he felt about me and I don't know what to say to him. Should I tell him how I feel since he told me how he felt? I really need some help here.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, go ahead and tell him how you feel. Well, unless you hate his guts and he makes you vomit. In that case, you might want to smooth out how you express yourself.
Well the guy who I was going to tell I had feelings for while he told me first how he felt about me and I don't know what to say to him. Should I tell him how I feel since he told me how he felt? I really need some help here.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, go ahead and tell him how you feel. Well, unless you hate his guts and he makes you vomit. In that case, you might want to smooth out how you express yourself.
Labels: advice, answer, dating
We started talking about us one night
sam, 27, from lost asks:
I have been dating this guy for over a year. We started talking about us one night and he said he had to go. He told me just to give him new years be with him for new years. I told him I would but I needed him to make a decision on if he wanted to be with me or I had to go. He agreed. When the ball fell he kissed me and I asked. He said he couldn't. Later that night we talked on the phone. Things got emotional again and I told him I loved him. He said for reasons in his past that I shouldn't. I never asked. He said I love you for the first time then he hung up on me. He won't answer none of my calls or explain or tell me anything. I was ready to let it go until I hear him say it. If he loves me why won't he be with me? If he didn't want to be with me why say I love you?
VictorM's answer:
No, he doesn't love you. And you really can't complain -- he was direct with you about that. As for the last "I love you", that was nothing. It really means I care for you but I'm not in love with you. Heck, how many people (let's see a show of hands) say "I love ya" when they end a chat or phone call? It's just a term of endearment under certain circumstances. That's how he meant it.
Leave the guy alone. He gave it a try for a year and realized he's not into you. He just didn't want to be alone for New Year's.
I have been dating this guy for over a year. We started talking about us one night and he said he had to go. He told me just to give him new years be with him for new years. I told him I would but I needed him to make a decision on if he wanted to be with me or I had to go. He agreed. When the ball fell he kissed me and I asked. He said he couldn't. Later that night we talked on the phone. Things got emotional again and I told him I loved him. He said for reasons in his past that I shouldn't. I never asked. He said I love you for the first time then he hung up on me. He won't answer none of my calls or explain or tell me anything. I was ready to let it go until I hear him say it. If he loves me why won't he be with me? If he didn't want to be with me why say I love you?
VictorM's answer:
No, he doesn't love you. And you really can't complain -- he was direct with you about that. As for the last "I love you", that was nothing. It really means I care for you but I'm not in love with you. Heck, how many people (let's see a show of hands) say "I love ya" when they end a chat or phone call? It's just a term of endearment under certain circumstances. That's how he meant it.
Leave the guy alone. He gave it a try for a year and realized he's not into you. He just didn't want to be alone for New Year's.
Labels: advice, answer, dating
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Sex with this older women
cyndi, 46, from iowa asks:
Hello..last spring I broke my leg in two places and had to be completely non weight bareing for 2 weeks. That prevented me from going on our weekly sunday outings. We always ended up at a friend's house, a female 50 year old who drinks like a fish. Then he started making excuses to go by himself. Then 4 months ago, he left me. I just found out today that he has been trying to have sex with this older women. He likes older women. I'm 46, I always figured he would leave me for a younger woman. I knew something was up, I love this man and can just tell. All the while I suspect he either was interested in someone, trying to fuck someone else or already has...and I was right, he's trying. It took me 9 months to find out the truth. Why is it some men think that women are stupid? Like sometimes we can't just "feel" somethings wrong? So sweetie, does part of this count as cheating? The part where he would leave me home while he went over there and flirted, and god knows what else? What really hurts about this is she is my best friend's sister. Are both sleezy? Thank you so much...Have a great day!
VictorM's answer:
You decide what cheating is, no one else.
I'm not so sure he thought you were stupid or that you'd never catch on; I just think he didn't care if you did. That's a big difference. He saw something in her. Maybe she's just easy, who knows, but people fall in and out of attraction for each other all the time. It's just the way it is.
This has nothing to do with her and who she's related to. He's not into you and that's all there is to it.
Hello..last spring I broke my leg in two places and had to be completely non weight bareing for 2 weeks. That prevented me from going on our weekly sunday outings. We always ended up at a friend's house, a female 50 year old who drinks like a fish. Then he started making excuses to go by himself. Then 4 months ago, he left me. I just found out today that he has been trying to have sex with this older women. He likes older women. I'm 46, I always figured he would leave me for a younger woman. I knew something was up, I love this man and can just tell. All the while I suspect he either was interested in someone, trying to fuck someone else or already has...and I was right, he's trying. It took me 9 months to find out the truth. Why is it some men think that women are stupid? Like sometimes we can't just "feel" somethings wrong? So sweetie, does part of this count as cheating? The part where he would leave me home while he went over there and flirted, and god knows what else? What really hurts about this is she is my best friend's sister. Are both sleezy? Thank you so much...Have a great day!
VictorM's answer:
You decide what cheating is, no one else.
I'm not so sure he thought you were stupid or that you'd never catch on; I just think he didn't care if you did. That's a big difference. He saw something in her. Maybe she's just easy, who knows, but people fall in and out of attraction for each other all the time. It's just the way it is.
This has nothing to do with her and who she's related to. He's not into you and that's all there is to it.
Monday, January 29, 2007
5 year relationship
Diana, 51, from Florida asks:
We have been in a 5 year relationship, living in separate homes but across the street from each other. I have a 12 year old daughter, he has no children. (He is 59) we have had our ups and downs but always felt true soul mates with this man and he with me. He had been caught in the past with saying he was working but seeing another "friend". Fessed up and said he was tempted with an ex, but never did anything. It broke my trust some though, but got over it and we went on. I believe it has lingered with me and our arguments start coming more frequent ruining our "alone weekends" over crazy things. In a nutshell I wondered whether he would always be there for me and he thought that I did not truly love him! (The actual truth is that we both were 100% in love with each other but did not see it. Anyway after our last blow up over me saying something stupid, he is calling off the relationship. Said he hurts bad but better to get it over now and not wait for another ruined weekend. He has been miserable, me too. But he hates me so now. He said he believes I was so crafty all these years, leading him on. He tells me to hurry up and find someone so that he can too then, but he does not want to be the first one. He does not go anywhere, just stays home when not working (self employed) and watches tv... can't get motivated. His hurt is so bad that it has turned into pure hate for me. Tried to tell him that the "we" is worth fixing. You do not give up on how well we really get along and the things we both like together. Fact: Never ever cheated on him. ( we both are attractive people) Love him dearly. I know he does me too, however feeling dead inside. Are we hopeless? Has he been so hurt from his other relationships in the past he is giving up? He has been married 2 times, me never. One more fact and he knows this too, I am probably one of the nicest people around, will do anything for anyone... kind heart. Honest. Our quarrels happen after some cocktails.
VictorM's advice:
Stop drinking! Or drink alone.
You're both 100% in love with each other? Bullshit! People who are in love don't behave the way you do. He won't date someone else because he wants you to do that first? Are you freaking serious?! And then you said something stupid and the reaction of so called soul-mates is to break-up? Does this make any sense to you? It doesn't to me.
Is there any hope for you two? I doubt it. If by age 59 and 51 you still waste your time with such petty behavior, you don't value life and you don't value each other. You may be in your 50's but emotionally you're two dysfunctional teenagers.
Stop being so nice! Too nice can be annoying. Tell the old fart to stop acting like a child and behave like a man or fuck off! You're wasting the last few good years of your life away. Be assertive -- men like that!
We have been in a 5 year relationship, living in separate homes but across the street from each other. I have a 12 year old daughter, he has no children. (He is 59) we have had our ups and downs but always felt true soul mates with this man and he with me. He had been caught in the past with saying he was working but seeing another "friend". Fessed up and said he was tempted with an ex, but never did anything. It broke my trust some though, but got over it and we went on. I believe it has lingered with me and our arguments start coming more frequent ruining our "alone weekends" over crazy things. In a nutshell I wondered whether he would always be there for me and he thought that I did not truly love him! (The actual truth is that we both were 100% in love with each other but did not see it. Anyway after our last blow up over me saying something stupid, he is calling off the relationship. Said he hurts bad but better to get it over now and not wait for another ruined weekend. He has been miserable, me too. But he hates me so now. He said he believes I was so crafty all these years, leading him on. He tells me to hurry up and find someone so that he can too then, but he does not want to be the first one. He does not go anywhere, just stays home when not working (self employed) and watches tv... can't get motivated. His hurt is so bad that it has turned into pure hate for me. Tried to tell him that the "we" is worth fixing. You do not give up on how well we really get along and the things we both like together. Fact: Never ever cheated on him. ( we both are attractive people) Love him dearly. I know he does me too, however feeling dead inside. Are we hopeless? Has he been so hurt from his other relationships in the past he is giving up? He has been married 2 times, me never. One more fact and he knows this too, I am probably one of the nicest people around, will do anything for anyone... kind heart. Honest. Our quarrels happen after some cocktails.
VictorM's advice:
Stop drinking! Or drink alone.
You're both 100% in love with each other? Bullshit! People who are in love don't behave the way you do. He won't date someone else because he wants you to do that first? Are you freaking serious?! And then you said something stupid and the reaction of so called soul-mates is to break-up? Does this make any sense to you? It doesn't to me.
Is there any hope for you two? I doubt it. If by age 59 and 51 you still waste your time with such petty behavior, you don't value life and you don't value each other. You may be in your 50's but emotionally you're two dysfunctional teenagers.
Stop being so nice! Too nice can be annoying. Tell the old fart to stop acting like a child and behave like a man or fuck off! You're wasting the last few good years of your life away. Be assertive -- men like that!
Labels: break-up, relationship
Sunday, January 28, 2007
You're Jessica and I'm Gene
Jessica, 26, from Fort Worth TX asks:
So I met a guy about two years ago at work. We became friends right off the start. Then around a year and a half ago he asked me to hang out. We ended up kissing, he would cuddle with me at night and we would stay up all night talking. Around a month later I finally instigated sex. Afterwards, I told him not to be weird around me at work, and I think that made him think I only wanted to be friends with benefits. Well, time goes on and we are always going somewhere like six flags with our kids, or to a game, or Shreveport always somewhere, and usually just the two of us. Last year we took about 6 months off, and now he has come back into my life again. We have been seeing each other for the last 8 months again. He just recently got full custody of his son, and now he brings him over to my house and we always involve him as well as my two kids. He calls almost every single day, wants to do my taxes, etc. I can tell he really cares about me, the problem is we haven't talked about "us". So the other night I brought it up and asked him what I was to him. His answer was you're Jessica and I'm Gene. I don't know if he didn't understand the question or simply trying to avoid it, so I went to sleep mad, and he knew it. He kissed me in the morning, but it hasn't been brought up since, but it really hurts my feelings that we can talk about everything, except when it comes to our relationship. As a guy what do you think is going on in his head? Do you think he still thinks of me as a friend or that he really does love me? thanks
VictorM's advice:
I wish someone would invent a pill to cure you females of this terrible affliction! You people are so suffocating with the getting mad and hurt feelings over nothing. Yes, NOTHING!
From your description he's very much into you. But after a break-up with the mother of his child, and getting custody of his son, he is in no rush to commit. His answer is simply a reflection of his attitude because of what has happened to him before, not a reflection of his feelings towards you now. There will come a time when he'll know in his head and heart whether you're the right one for him or not. At that point, he'll react and either commit to you or find an excuse to get out of your life. Until then, he's exploring life with you carefully. I'd say that's smart and you will benefit from it in the long run.
So, stop thinking the world revolves around you, enjoy the man's company, give him time to assess if you're the one, and thank your lucky stars you're not with a man who only thinks with his dick.
So I met a guy about two years ago at work. We became friends right off the start. Then around a year and a half ago he asked me to hang out. We ended up kissing, he would cuddle with me at night and we would stay up all night talking. Around a month later I finally instigated sex. Afterwards, I told him not to be weird around me at work, and I think that made him think I only wanted to be friends with benefits. Well, time goes on and we are always going somewhere like six flags with our kids, or to a game, or Shreveport always somewhere, and usually just the two of us. Last year we took about 6 months off, and now he has come back into my life again. We have been seeing each other for the last 8 months again. He just recently got full custody of his son, and now he brings him over to my house and we always involve him as well as my two kids. He calls almost every single day, wants to do my taxes, etc. I can tell he really cares about me, the problem is we haven't talked about "us". So the other night I brought it up and asked him what I was to him. His answer was you're Jessica and I'm Gene. I don't know if he didn't understand the question or simply trying to avoid it, so I went to sleep mad, and he knew it. He kissed me in the morning, but it hasn't been brought up since, but it really hurts my feelings that we can talk about everything, except when it comes to our relationship. As a guy what do you think is going on in his head? Do you think he still thinks of me as a friend or that he really does love me? thanks
VictorM's advice:
I wish someone would invent a pill to cure you females of this terrible affliction! You people are so suffocating with the getting mad and hurt feelings over nothing. Yes, NOTHING!
From your description he's very much into you. But after a break-up with the mother of his child, and getting custody of his son, he is in no rush to commit. His answer is simply a reflection of his attitude because of what has happened to him before, not a reflection of his feelings towards you now. There will come a time when he'll know in his head and heart whether you're the right one for him or not. At that point, he'll react and either commit to you or find an excuse to get out of your life. Until then, he's exploring life with you carefully. I'd say that's smart and you will benefit from it in the long run.
So, stop thinking the world revolves around you, enjoy the man's company, give him time to assess if you're the one, and thank your lucky stars you're not with a man who only thinks with his dick.
Labels: boyfriend, commitment
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Why is he still asking about me?
wendy, 33, from canada asks:
This guy and I dated for about a year, we had so much in common, he would tell me that everything felt right with our relationship everything was going awesome we would talk about getting married and so on till after the new year then he called when he felt like it and seen him when he had time there were a lot of excuses with him that I didn't like so I broke up with him. I found out he went to a party and started seeing someone I don't know if he was dating this person so I called it off. Anyways now the friends we have had I still talk to this one person and she always tells me he asks how I'm doing and what I have been up to. He ran into one of my friends and asked the same thing how I was doing and to wish me a merry xmas, but the catch is he is dating someone else now and why is he still asking about me? Is he doing this so I will call him or is he doing this because he just wants to know how i have been? Confused :S
VictorM's answer:
There's nothing to be confused. You are someone he cared about at one time. For some reason someone else came into his life and he followed his heart. That doesn't mean he hates you, dislikes, or doesn't care about you; in fact, it appears he cares. He's not asking about you expecting you to call him. He's asking because he's a human being, with natural feelings and concerns. He knows he hurt you and he probably feels some guilt about it. My guess is he'd like to hear that you're doing well and are happy. That would relieve his mind about what went on between you two.
See... not all men are cold-hearted monsters. :)
This guy and I dated for about a year, we had so much in common, he would tell me that everything felt right with our relationship everything was going awesome we would talk about getting married and so on till after the new year then he called when he felt like it and seen him when he had time there were a lot of excuses with him that I didn't like so I broke up with him. I found out he went to a party and started seeing someone I don't know if he was dating this person so I called it off. Anyways now the friends we have had I still talk to this one person and she always tells me he asks how I'm doing and what I have been up to. He ran into one of my friends and asked the same thing how I was doing and to wish me a merry xmas, but the catch is he is dating someone else now and why is he still asking about me? Is he doing this so I will call him or is he doing this because he just wants to know how i have been? Confused :S
VictorM's answer:
There's nothing to be confused. You are someone he cared about at one time. For some reason someone else came into his life and he followed his heart. That doesn't mean he hates you, dislikes, or doesn't care about you; in fact, it appears he cares. He's not asking about you expecting you to call him. He's asking because he's a human being, with natural feelings and concerns. He knows he hurt you and he probably feels some guilt about it. My guess is he'd like to hear that you're doing well and are happy. That would relieve his mind about what went on between you two.
See... not all men are cold-hearted monsters. :)
Labels: ex-boyfriend
Friday, January 26, 2007
She's also with another man
Amber, 25, from AL asks:
My best friend of 5 years is engaged to marry her boyfriend of 4 years. She says she loves him dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. She was my maid of honor at my wedding and she wants me to be in hers too. So I am helping her plan her wedding. At the same time - she is also with another man anytime she is not with her fiance. They go out on dates, they have sex, they do the sweet sappy love letters and text messages to each other. He even bought her a star for christmas and spent another $300 on her for a spa treatment package. She says that she loves guyB dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. So I am stuck in the middle of helping her plan her wedding with guyA while she is also in love with guyB. She says she wishes she could just have them both and not have to make a decision. She says she knows it's wrong but she just can't stop - "when I'm with guyB I just can't tell him no". What is a best friend to do? I can't tell her anything - she won't hear it. I tried to tell her that I don't want to be a part of it anymore - that I can't sit down with her and help her plan her wedding while she is also telling me about being with this other man. But after telling her that - she doesn't want to be friends anymore. She says I'm judging her - and abandoning her and that I'm just a fair-weather friend. I don't know what else to do - it breaks my heart to see her do this to herself and to her loved one(s). Should I just chalk this up to a friend lost?- ExBestFriend
VictorM's advice:
People who do wrong are always the ones to accuse others of being fair-weather friends, isn't it?
The truth is you have a right to be the judge of who qualifies as your friend and who doesn't. She's clearly, by her own admission, doing wrong. You have every right to not want to be part of it. Indeed, I think you owe it to yourself to insist you will not be part of the wedding under the current conditions.
Basically, she's a user of people. She's using guyA, guyB, and she wants to use you under the guise of friendship -- don't let her!
My best friend of 5 years is engaged to marry her boyfriend of 4 years. She says she loves him dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. She was my maid of honor at my wedding and she wants me to be in hers too. So I am helping her plan her wedding. At the same time - she is also with another man anytime she is not with her fiance. They go out on dates, they have sex, they do the sweet sappy love letters and text messages to each other. He even bought her a star for christmas and spent another $300 on her for a spa treatment package. She says that she loves guyB dearly and cannot imagine the rest of her life without him. So I am stuck in the middle of helping her plan her wedding with guyA while she is also in love with guyB. She says she wishes she could just have them both and not have to make a decision. She says she knows it's wrong but she just can't stop - "when I'm with guyB I just can't tell him no". What is a best friend to do? I can't tell her anything - she won't hear it. I tried to tell her that I don't want to be a part of it anymore - that I can't sit down with her and help her plan her wedding while she is also telling me about being with this other man. But after telling her that - she doesn't want to be friends anymore. She says I'm judging her - and abandoning her and that I'm just a fair-weather friend. I don't know what else to do - it breaks my heart to see her do this to herself and to her loved one(s). Should I just chalk this up to a friend lost?- ExBestFriend
VictorM's advice:
People who do wrong are always the ones to accuse others of being fair-weather friends, isn't it?
The truth is you have a right to be the judge of who qualifies as your friend and who doesn't. She's clearly, by her own admission, doing wrong. You have every right to not want to be part of it. Indeed, I think you owe it to yourself to insist you will not be part of the wedding under the current conditions.
Basically, she's a user of people. She's using guyA, guyB, and she wants to use you under the guise of friendship -- don't let her!
Labels: best friends, cheat, wedding
He may move this summer
Shannon, 30, from: New Hampshire asks:
So this guy and I have been dating, not exclusively, for the last 4 months. He is best friends with my best friends husband and he tells her how he likes me a lot. Yet he won't commit because he doesn't know what he wants to do with work etc yet. He may move this summer. She tells me to just give him time. She is the second person to tell me this. I've been away on a business trip for the last week and before that he was helping a friend move out to California. We have talked every day and he even told me he missed me. He flew down this weekend to see me on my trip and again told me he missed me. So why won't he commit? Should I ask him? I sometimes feel that I want more then he does.
VictorM's advice:
By your own admission you're not even dating exclusively. Doesn't sound like you're that serious either. Anyway, so he likes you some. He misses you (a boiler plate expression that everyone says, which may or may not be true.) So he goes to visit you -- it's not like a person needs to be madly in love to enjoy another person's company.
I don't know if you want more than he does but clearly he's not sure about you yet, hence the talk about moving. If you feel the need to ask how he feels, there's a bad sign right there -- your relationship is not ready for commitment. So don't ask. Besides, you would never get a straight answer anyway.
Date the guy. Learn more about him. Find out what his plans are. Enjoy his company. Come summer if you're still not dating exclusively or if he doesn't change his mind about moving... you're not his "the one" or him yours.
So this guy and I have been dating, not exclusively, for the last 4 months. He is best friends with my best friends husband and he tells her how he likes me a lot. Yet he won't commit because he doesn't know what he wants to do with work etc yet. He may move this summer. She tells me to just give him time. She is the second person to tell me this. I've been away on a business trip for the last week and before that he was helping a friend move out to California. We have talked every day and he even told me he missed me. He flew down this weekend to see me on my trip and again told me he missed me. So why won't he commit? Should I ask him? I sometimes feel that I want more then he does.
VictorM's advice:
By your own admission you're not even dating exclusively. Doesn't sound like you're that serious either. Anyway, so he likes you some. He misses you (a boiler plate expression that everyone says, which may or may not be true.) So he goes to visit you -- it's not like a person needs to be madly in love to enjoy another person's company.
I don't know if you want more than he does but clearly he's not sure about you yet, hence the talk about moving. If you feel the need to ask how he feels, there's a bad sign right there -- your relationship is not ready for commitment. So don't ask. Besides, you would never get a straight answer anyway.
Date the guy. Learn more about him. Find out what his plans are. Enjoy his company. Come summer if you're still not dating exclusively or if he doesn't change his mind about moving... you're not his "the one" or him yours.
Labels: advice, answer, commitment, relationship
Thursday, January 25, 2007
A little strange
Jen, 29, from Boston asks:
I've been dating a guy for a few months, and the last month has been a little strange. We haven't seen each other much (we've both been out of town, sick, and whatnot) but I was unsure if he wanted to keep seeing me. Once we did see each other again he was very affectionate, romantic, and everything seemed good. However, I just found out that he had a birthday a couple of weeks ago and he never said anything to me about it. What the hell is going on in his head?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you mean by strange, but my guess is that he had plans for his birthday, maybe with his pals, and you didn't figure in those plans. That's easy to understand why considering you haven't seen each other much and you were unsure if he still wanted to see you. Obviously, this is not a serious relationship yet. Why should he have to tell you everything about his life at this point? He doesn't!
I know, as a girl you would tell him every minute detail of your plans to the point of him sticking needles in his eyes, but guys don't think or behave that way. So don't take it personally.
This says to me you don't rate very seriously in his life, at least not yet. That may change, it may not. But it doesn't sound abnormal to me. He may be strange, but omitting you from his birthday doesn't make him so.
I've been dating a guy for a few months, and the last month has been a little strange. We haven't seen each other much (we've both been out of town, sick, and whatnot) but I was unsure if he wanted to keep seeing me. Once we did see each other again he was very affectionate, romantic, and everything seemed good. However, I just found out that he had a birthday a couple of weeks ago and he never said anything to me about it. What the hell is going on in his head?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you mean by strange, but my guess is that he had plans for his birthday, maybe with his pals, and you didn't figure in those plans. That's easy to understand why considering you haven't seen each other much and you were unsure if he still wanted to see you. Obviously, this is not a serious relationship yet. Why should he have to tell you everything about his life at this point? He doesn't!
I know, as a girl you would tell him every minute detail of your plans to the point of him sticking needles in his eyes, but guys don't think or behave that way. So don't take it personally.
This says to me you don't rate very seriously in his life, at least not yet. That may change, it may not. But it doesn't sound abnormal to me. He may be strange, but omitting you from his birthday doesn't make him so.
Labels: advice, answer, dating
Getting trust back
kaylaa, 23, from canada asks:
How do I make my boyfriend trust me again after I cheated on him?
VictorM's advice:
By finding a new boyfriend and not making the same mistake again.
But if you want to try with this guy, your best course of action is to forge ahead without talking any more about the past. I assume you already apologized and promised it would never happen again. If you continue to let him beat you over the head with it, he will, and the topic will stay fresh in your lives. That's not a good thing. So, stop talking about it! If he brings it up, tell him you already apologized, you already admitted you made a mistake, you have learned from it, and you just want to move on with your life with a fresh start. This is impossible if he keeps bringing it up. Tell him you're done talking about it. Be assertive!
Cheating is a sign of weakness. He wants to see strength in you -- show it by starting with him.
How do I make my boyfriend trust me again after I cheated on him?
VictorM's advice:
By finding a new boyfriend and not making the same mistake again.
But if you want to try with this guy, your best course of action is to forge ahead without talking any more about the past. I assume you already apologized and promised it would never happen again. If you continue to let him beat you over the head with it, he will, and the topic will stay fresh in your lives. That's not a good thing. So, stop talking about it! If he brings it up, tell him you already apologized, you already admitted you made a mistake, you have learned from it, and you just want to move on with your life with a fresh start. This is impossible if he keeps bringing it up. Tell him you're done talking about it. Be assertive!
Cheating is a sign of weakness. He wants to see strength in you -- show it by starting with him.
Labels: advice, answer, boyfriend, cheat, trust
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
He's not romantic
jen, 23, from fl asks:
Why won't my boyfriend be romantic with me?
VictorM's answer:
Don't take it personally -- he probably isn't romantic with any girl. Many guys are like that.
Maybe you should explain to him what your definition of "romantic" is. See, it's possible that he thinks he's romantic, but whatever he's doing is not what you'd like done. Start with clear communication, without blame. See where it goes.
Why won't my boyfriend be romantic with me?
VictorM's answer:
Don't take it personally -- he probably isn't romantic with any girl. Many guys are like that.
Maybe you should explain to him what your definition of "romantic" is. See, it's possible that he thinks he's romantic, but whatever he's doing is not what you'd like done. Start with clear communication, without blame. See where it goes.
Labels: advice, answer, boyfriend, romantic
He is looking at porn all the time
Julie, 23, from Michigan asks:
I got married almost a year ago now and I love my husband to death. The problem is that I found out lately that he is looking at porn all the time. This really bothers me and I told him but he basically told me to "grow up" and that it wasn't a big deal. He doesn't understand (or seem to care) what a big deal I think this is. What can I do about it? Or am I overreacting?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not overreacting. Aside from the porn-watching, your husband's answer for you to "grow up" is an unfortunate reply that unveils both lack of maturity and concern for your feelings.
What you can do, and should do, is to continue to express your personal feelings without pointing a finger or accusing him of wrong-doing. Repeat as often as necessary things like "I don't like it", "I wish you didn't", "It's not the moral environment I want", etc. At some point, your husband will have to decide if his quest for lust is more important than your feelings.
How he reacts, will, in the long run, determine if you will continue to love him to death or not.
I got married almost a year ago now and I love my husband to death. The problem is that I found out lately that he is looking at porn all the time. This really bothers me and I told him but he basically told me to "grow up" and that it wasn't a big deal. He doesn't understand (or seem to care) what a big deal I think this is. What can I do about it? Or am I overreacting?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not overreacting. Aside from the porn-watching, your husband's answer for you to "grow up" is an unfortunate reply that unveils both lack of maturity and concern for your feelings.
What you can do, and should do, is to continue to express your personal feelings without pointing a finger or accusing him of wrong-doing. Repeat as often as necessary things like "I don't like it", "I wish you didn't", "It's not the moral environment I want", etc. At some point, your husband will have to decide if his quest for lust is more important than your feelings.
How he reacts, will, in the long run, determine if you will continue to love him to death or not.
Talking to Ex
Emma, 24, asks:
My boyfriend still talks to his ex once in a while. Is this ok?
VictorM's answer:
Yes, it's totally fine. It's actually a good thing. Ending a relationship without anger and rancor is good and a reflection of maturity and civility, qualities you should appreciate in him.
My boyfriend still talks to his ex once in a while. Is this ok?
VictorM's answer:
Yes, it's totally fine. It's actually a good thing. Ending a relationship without anger and rancor is good and a reflection of maturity and civility, qualities you should appreciate in him.
Labels: boyfriend, ex-girlfriend
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Jessica, take two
(Note: Follow-up to yesterday's question.)
Jessica, 22, from New York asks:
Well the nice guy found out that he was making me jealous so he stoped flirting with other girls and he is really focused on me so know what do I do? Do I tell him I feel or what?
VictorM's advice:
No. Don't tell him how you feel. Enjoy his attention, treat him well, make him feel good around you, but let him work for you. Just enjoy his company and be patient. Rushing ruins things -- don't do it.
Jessica, 22, from New York asks:
Well the nice guy found out that he was making me jealous so he stoped flirting with other girls and he is really focused on me so know what do I do? Do I tell him I feel or what?
VictorM's advice:
No. Don't tell him how you feel. Enjoy his attention, treat him well, make him feel good around you, but let him work for you. Just enjoy his company and be patient. Rushing ruins things -- don't do it.
Long term relationship for 16 years
SHANNON, 33, from TENNESSEE asks:
I have been in a long term relationship for 16 years that has had many problems. I ask him to leave months ago. After I asked him to leave I started seeing a guy I work with. In the beginning it was great, after about 3 months he said he is in love with me. We were together every Saturday. Now all of a sudden he is acting very different he says he still loves me and he even introduced me to his son. My ex is still in the house for financial reasons only for 2 more weeks only. My new guy says that does not bother him. So why do you think he just changed all the sudden?
VictorM's answer:
Your new guy is acting different because no one can keep up the intensity of the first few weeks or months. It's only natural that things simmer down. You're not specific about what changes you're talking about so I can't be any more specific than this.
(Note: This question was modified after Tara's comment pointed out something obvious. Oh well... I was still in vacation mode. :)
I have been in a long term relationship for 16 years that has had many problems. I ask him to leave months ago. After I asked him to leave I started seeing a guy I work with. In the beginning it was great, after about 3 months he said he is in love with me. We were together every Saturday. Now all of a sudden he is acting very different he says he still loves me and he even introduced me to his son. My ex is still in the house for financial reasons only for 2 more weeks only. My new guy says that does not bother him. So why do you think he just changed all the sudden?
VictorM's answer:
Your new guy is acting different because no one can keep up the intensity of the first few weeks or months. It's only natural that things simmer down. You're not specific about what changes you're talking about so I can't be any more specific than this.
(Note: This question was modified after Tara's comment pointed out something obvious. Oh well... I was still in vacation mode. :)
Labels: advice, answer, ex-boyfriend
Monday, January 22, 2007
Really nice
Jessica, 22, from New York asks:
My guy friend has been really nice to me... he tries to find ways to touch me and he tries to make me jealous with other girls. Does that mean he likes me or no?
VictorM's answer:
It means he wants and likes your attention. That's all it means. If he really liked you, other girls wouldn't come into the picture. Well, unless he's a moron.
My guy friend has been really nice to me... he tries to find ways to touch me and he tries to make me jealous with other girls. Does that mean he likes me or no?
VictorM's answer:
It means he wants and likes your attention. That's all it means. If he really liked you, other girls wouldn't come into the picture. Well, unless he's a moron.
Labels: advice, answer, guy friend
Lied to protect him
sarah, 22, from uk asks:
My boyfriend wants me to convince him that not everything come out of my mouth is a lie. How can I convince him that it well be better this time? I love him a lot and I don't want to lose him because I lied to him three times only to protect him from getting hurt.
VictorM's advice:
Stop telling lies. Duh!
You need to establish a pattern of telling the truth for him to believe you. You can tell him you learned from your mistakes and won't do it again, but that would be a lie -- the truth is you will lie again. Why? Because unless and until you learn to face the consequences of unpleasant truths your first impulse will be to lie.
You may stand a better chance at explaining why you lie and it's never with malice, but you will work on it. But if he's not mature enough to understand that you'll be a work in progress, you two are in for some rough times.
My boyfriend wants me to convince him that not everything come out of my mouth is a lie. How can I convince him that it well be better this time? I love him a lot and I don't want to lose him because I lied to him three times only to protect him from getting hurt.
VictorM's advice:
Stop telling lies. Duh!
You need to establish a pattern of telling the truth for him to believe you. You can tell him you learned from your mistakes and won't do it again, but that would be a lie -- the truth is you will lie again. Why? Because unless and until you learn to face the consequences of unpleasant truths your first impulse will be to lie.
You may stand a better chance at explaining why you lie and it's never with malice, but you will work on it. But if he's not mature enough to understand that you'll be a work in progress, you two are in for some rough times.
Labels: advice, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend, lies, lying
Waiting for sex
chris, 33, from united ststes asks:
How long should you wait to have sex?
VictorM's answer:
You're 33. I'd say right after you read this, go outside and offer to screw the first person that comes along. Life is slipping you by, my friend.
OK... OK... I suppose you meant after you start seeing someone, right? Well, the answer is simple: as soon as both of you are willing and ready. No sooner, no later. There is no timetable. For some people it happens the first night, for some not until after marriage.
How long should you wait to have sex?
VictorM's answer:
You're 33. I'd say right after you read this, go outside and offer to screw the first person that comes along. Life is slipping you by, my friend.
OK... OK... I suppose you meant after you start seeing someone, right? Well, the answer is simple: as soon as both of you are willing and ready. No sooner, no later. There is no timetable. For some people it happens the first night, for some not until after marriage.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Best friends with sister
Danielle, 18, from Florida asks:
I've known this guy for about 12 years, I'm best friends with his sister. The guy is two years older than me also. I moved away a few years ago, and before i moved me and the guy at the most said hi and whats up. My first visit to my best friends house after i moved(i stay there for weekends occasionally, her family considers me family) the guy was hanging around me more, talking more and complimented my newly dyed hair. Each visit after that , it goes up a 'level'. My last visit a couple months ago, the guy kissed me on the lips several times while i was there, i was kind of in shock, didn't expect it at all. When i was there a few weeks ago, he had a girlfriend that i met several times that week, but whenever she wasn't around he would be slapping my butt or cuddling with me. One night she was is his room, me and his sister was in her room dancing around, he left his girlfriend came into his sisters room and started dancing with me from behind but i moved away a little because it felt wrong with the g/f 15 feet away. Also one day we went to dinner at his grandparents and i was sitting on one side of him and she was on the other and he was 'rubbing' my back with his fingers. My last night there we were playing a video game, just me and him, his sister was in her room, and we also had music on so once in while he paused the game and sang to me, then he got up and started dancing and put his shirt over my head, then later on he was giving me a playful lap dance. Later on i decided to go watch tv and as i was getting up to walk out, he kinda took his hand and held my hand gently so as we walked in opposite directions his hand softly rubbed against mine. I have no idea what to think of this. Over the years with the visits there has been cuddling, hugs, playful teasing, grabs/slaps my ass, rubs my legs, touches my knee and legs when he goes to sit next to me, or he'll squeeze my thigh. I live 4 hours away now so there wouldn't be any chance of actually dating him, if in fact he did like me. Please help me a.s.a.p. Thankss!
VictorM's answer:
He's horny as hell and wants to do you. Duh!
Sometimes... this is an easy "job".
I've known this guy for about 12 years, I'm best friends with his sister. The guy is two years older than me also. I moved away a few years ago, and before i moved me and the guy at the most said hi and whats up. My first visit to my best friends house after i moved(i stay there for weekends occasionally, her family considers me family) the guy was hanging around me more, talking more and complimented my newly dyed hair. Each visit after that , it goes up a 'level'. My last visit a couple months ago, the guy kissed me on the lips several times while i was there, i was kind of in shock, didn't expect it at all. When i was there a few weeks ago, he had a girlfriend that i met several times that week, but whenever she wasn't around he would be slapping my butt or cuddling with me. One night she was is his room, me and his sister was in her room dancing around, he left his girlfriend came into his sisters room and started dancing with me from behind but i moved away a little because it felt wrong with the g/f 15 feet away. Also one day we went to dinner at his grandparents and i was sitting on one side of him and she was on the other and he was 'rubbing' my back with his fingers. My last night there we were playing a video game, just me and him, his sister was in her room, and we also had music on so once in while he paused the game and sang to me, then he got up and started dancing and put his shirt over my head, then later on he was giving me a playful lap dance. Later on i decided to go watch tv and as i was getting up to walk out, he kinda took his hand and held my hand gently so as we walked in opposite directions his hand softly rubbed against mine. I have no idea what to think of this. Over the years with the visits there has been cuddling, hugs, playful teasing, grabs/slaps my ass, rubs my legs, touches my knee and legs when he goes to sit next to me, or he'll squeeze my thigh. I live 4 hours away now so there wouldn't be any chance of actually dating him, if in fact he did like me. Please help me a.s.a.p. Thankss!
VictorM's answer:
He's horny as hell and wants to do you. Duh!
Sometimes... this is an easy "job".
Labels: advice, answer, best friends, flirt, horny
Back together
amy, 24, from california asks:
My man and I just got back together after a two month split. We had been together for 3 years. He had been angry and distant since I cancelled our wedding. We seemed to acknowledge where we went wrong but now he is giving me mixed signals. Is he scared? Or did he just stop caring altogether?
VictorM's advice:
Mixed signals? You cancelled the wedding and now you're wondering what he's feeling? If you don't know, I'd say you haven't acknowledge crap about what went wrong, you just think you have. There are no mixed signals -- he's just not sure about you. Nothing mixed about that.
My man and I just got back together after a two month split. We had been together for 3 years. He had been angry and distant since I cancelled our wedding. We seemed to acknowledge where we went wrong but now he is giving me mixed signals. Is he scared? Or did he just stop caring altogether?
VictorM's advice:
Mixed signals? You cancelled the wedding and now you're wondering what he's feeling? If you don't know, I'd say you haven't acknowledge crap about what went wrong, you just think you have. There are no mixed signals -- he's just not sure about you. Nothing mixed about that.
Labels: advice, answer, break-up, mixed signals, wedding
To get a guy to be honest
KATRINA, 18, from west monroe asks:
What should you do to get a guy to be totally honest and open with you? And how do you know when a guy is playing games with your head.
VictorM's advice:
Guys really don't play games. Women just make-up that nonsense because they fail to recognise bullshit when they hear it. Guys aren't totally honest because, let's face, that would be a dumb thing to do -- we'd not get laid nearly as often. Besides, being totally honest would mean telling you that you do look fat in that dress, or those shoes look awful on you, or yes, the ex was better in bed than you. Please... total honesty is overrated and quite often, very cruel. Spare yourself the pain and learn to live with some grunts and well-intentioned misstatements.
What should you do to get a guy to be totally honest and open with you? And how do you know when a guy is playing games with your head.
VictorM's advice:
Guys really don't play games. Women just make-up that nonsense because they fail to recognise bullshit when they hear it. Guys aren't totally honest because, let's face, that would be a dumb thing to do -- we'd not get laid nearly as often. Besides, being totally honest would mean telling you that you do look fat in that dress, or those shoes look awful on you, or yes, the ex was better in bed than you. Please... total honesty is overrated and quite often, very cruel. Spare yourself the pain and learn to live with some grunts and well-intentioned misstatements.
Labels: advice, answer, honesty, playing games
Saturday, January 20, 2007
After Christmas
Tara, 20, from Canada asks:
So I met this really sweet guy on a dating website. I have done it lots of times before, no big deal. Turns out we got to the same school. We see each other around all the time, but both of us are really shy people and neither of us actually have the guts to say anything. lol. He sent me an e-mail a little while ago and this is what he said: "hey i was wonderin if u wanted to actually meet eachother sometime over xmas or there after cause i really do want to get to know more about you so this is about the only way cause we are both nervous ppl, lolso what do u think?" It's after Christmas now and he hasn't said anything about meeting me. He still talks to be like he did before. I don't know if I should get on his case about it or just leave him alone and continue talking to him like usual. I have had a tendency in the past to scare guys away, with talking to them TOO much...kinda smothering, you get the idea. I really like this guy and I want to do it right this time. Can you give me some advice?
VictorM's advice:
I think a simple: "Hey, it's after Christmas. Still want to get together?" message seems appropriate. Go for it.
And don't worry about the smothering. It usually only happens if the guy is not the right guy for you. If he is, chances is he'll like the attention you give him.
So I met this really sweet guy on a dating website. I have done it lots of times before, no big deal. Turns out we got to the same school. We see each other around all the time, but both of us are really shy people and neither of us actually have the guts to say anything. lol. He sent me an e-mail a little while ago and this is what he said: "hey i was wonderin if u wanted to actually meet eachother sometime over xmas or there after cause i really do want to get to know more about you so this is about the only way cause we are both nervous ppl, lolso what do u think?" It's after Christmas now and he hasn't said anything about meeting me. He still talks to be like he did before. I don't know if I should get on his case about it or just leave him alone and continue talking to him like usual. I have had a tendency in the past to scare guys away, with talking to them TOO much...kinda smothering, you get the idea. I really like this guy and I want to do it right this time. Can you give me some advice?
VictorM's advice:
I think a simple: "Hey, it's after Christmas. Still want to get together?" message seems appropriate. Go for it.
And don't worry about the smothering. It usually only happens if the guy is not the right guy for you. If he is, chances is he'll like the attention you give him.
Labels: advice, answer, asking a guy out
Mad dog
Tasha, 18, from usa asks:
Why do guys pretend like they don't like you when they really do? I mean they mad dog you and everything, but they tell all their friends how sexy they think you are. I really don't get guys.
VictorM's answer:
What's there not to get? We're as simple as animals come.
He mad dogs you because it's a way of getting your attention (and it's working, after all, you're writing to me about him, aren't you?) without getting humiliated if you reject him. He mentions to friends that you are hot hoping the word gets to you without him having to tell it to your face.
Basically, this guy is shy and afraid of rejection, but he likes you. See how simple we are?
You own him. Now go out there and mangle his poor little heart!
Why do guys pretend like they don't like you when they really do? I mean they mad dog you and everything, but they tell all their friends how sexy they think you are. I really don't get guys.
VictorM's answer:
What's there not to get? We're as simple as animals come.
He mad dogs you because it's a way of getting your attention (and it's working, after all, you're writing to me about him, aren't you?) without getting humiliated if you reject him. He mentions to friends that you are hot hoping the word gets to you without him having to tell it to your face.
Basically, this guy is shy and afraid of rejection, but he likes you. See how simple we are?
You own him. Now go out there and mangle his poor little heart!
Labels: advice, answer, mad dog, stares
Time for the first date
Marlene, 39, from Washington, DC asks:
I really like this guy I volunteer with. I noticed him on the first day. I have been there for a year and have caught him noticing me and trying to get my attention too. We just started talking. How much longer before we actually date?
VictorM's advice:
As long as it takes one of you to make the first move and ask the other one out. What are you waiting for?
I really like this guy I volunteer with. I noticed him on the first day. I have been there for a year and have caught him noticing me and trying to get my attention too. We just started talking. How much longer before we actually date?
VictorM's advice:
As long as it takes one of you to make the first move and ask the other one out. What are you waiting for?
Labels: advice, asking a guy out, dating
We talk dirty
Jessica, 18, from New York asks:
I am friends with this guy and we talk dirty because we never get to see each other and tonight he tells me he does not know if he wants a relationship or not and that we are just really good friends and he wants to hang out more to find out!!! But he is always telling me how he has missed me and how I can be all his so what do I do? What should I think?
VictorM's answer:
By "talk dirty" I assume you mean you have phone sex. Why would you want a relationship if you never get to see each other? It's a bit of a problem, wouldn't you say?
Anyway, a girl who is just friends with a guy and engages in "dirty talk" is not likely the type of girl to encourage a guy's willingness to commit to anything serious. When he says he misses you he means he misses the chance of carrying out in person what you just talk about. Watch it, I bet if you two hook up, sex will be the dominant item between you two.
You're acting like a needy little girl willing to do just about anything for his attention. If you want to be taken seriously, act serious. It's that simple.
I am friends with this guy and we talk dirty because we never get to see each other and tonight he tells me he does not know if he wants a relationship or not and that we are just really good friends and he wants to hang out more to find out!!! But he is always telling me how he has missed me and how I can be all his so what do I do? What should I think?
VictorM's answer:
By "talk dirty" I assume you mean you have phone sex. Why would you want a relationship if you never get to see each other? It's a bit of a problem, wouldn't you say?
Anyway, a girl who is just friends with a guy and engages in "dirty talk" is not likely the type of girl to encourage a guy's willingness to commit to anything serious. When he says he misses you he means he misses the chance of carrying out in person what you just talk about. Watch it, I bet if you two hook up, sex will be the dominant item between you two.
You're acting like a needy little girl willing to do just about anything for his attention. If you want to be taken seriously, act serious. It's that simple.
Labels: dirty talk, phone sex
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Six months off and on
Jen, 25, from California asks:
Here it goes: I was with a guy for almost three years but the last six months off and on because we split on his terms but still remained friendly and would see each other every now and again (once a month maybe and no sex just hanging out). The last time together we had a great time (sex also) and I really wanted to talk about us getting back together but decided that I would do it the next day because it didn't seem like the right time to bring it up. I asked him to call me later that night and he never did. Much to my sadness I wrote him e-mails within the next month and he never responded. So now that I was hurt and sad I wrote one that said if this is the way it is then I would like my things back. I was hoping he would say something about us but instead I got my things in the mail later on that week. I don't understand what I did or why he acted this way. What do you think? I am sad that he couldn't just say how he felt. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Classic case of girls thinking sex means something, and to guys it's just a fuck. But what exactly did you expect him to say? You had split-up before but remained friends. He has no other explanations or justifications to give you. You had sex with him of your own free will. He probably sensed you wanted more than what the understanding was -- that is, friends only -- and decided to cut out contact. Words are not necessary since there was nothing new.
I don't blame him. Really, females want to talk, talk, talk even when there's nothing to say. How suffocating!
Here it goes: I was with a guy for almost three years but the last six months off and on because we split on his terms but still remained friendly and would see each other every now and again (once a month maybe and no sex just hanging out). The last time together we had a great time (sex also) and I really wanted to talk about us getting back together but decided that I would do it the next day because it didn't seem like the right time to bring it up. I asked him to call me later that night and he never did. Much to my sadness I wrote him e-mails within the next month and he never responded. So now that I was hurt and sad I wrote one that said if this is the way it is then I would like my things back. I was hoping he would say something about us but instead I got my things in the mail later on that week. I don't understand what I did or why he acted this way. What do you think? I am sad that he couldn't just say how he felt. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Classic case of girls thinking sex means something, and to guys it's just a fuck. But what exactly did you expect him to say? You had split-up before but remained friends. He has no other explanations or justifications to give you. You had sex with him of your own free will. He probably sensed you wanted more than what the understanding was -- that is, friends only -- and decided to cut out contact. Words are not necessary since there was nothing new.
I don't blame him. Really, females want to talk, talk, talk even when there's nothing to say. How suffocating!
Labels: advice, answer, ex-boyfriend, sex
He chose the color I had picked
Jacq, 17, from Mass. asks:
I have been friends with a guy for about 4 months now. I would say we have grown close, but not to the point where we call each other every week and hang out... we have totally different friends, well we only have two friends in common. He is in my art class and yesterday he sat next to me and he chose the color I had picked (there is only two of that color and another girl took it already. Then when I switched colors to finish another part of my project he looked kinda sad and he said. "You switched colors? Now I wanna use black." When we talk he looks right at me and he always tries to include me in his conversations and he always asks my opinions. I really like him now, he makes me laugh and feel good. But, I need to know if he likes me too before I start to like him where if he says "No." I will be devastated.
VictorM's advice:
Oh, quit being such a wuss! No one ever knows for sure if their heart will be broken or not. You have to take chances! You will not be devastated if he says no, and even if you are, you will recover. It'll be easier to deal with rejection than with regret. This I can assure you of!
Besides, this boy likes you.
I have been friends with a guy for about 4 months now. I would say we have grown close, but not to the point where we call each other every week and hang out... we have totally different friends, well we only have two friends in common. He is in my art class and yesterday he sat next to me and he chose the color I had picked (there is only two of that color and another girl took it already. Then when I switched colors to finish another part of my project he looked kinda sad and he said. "You switched colors? Now I wanna use black." When we talk he looks right at me and he always tries to include me in his conversations and he always asks my opinions. I really like him now, he makes me laugh and feel good. But, I need to know if he likes me too before I start to like him where if he says "No." I will be devastated.
VictorM's advice:
Oh, quit being such a wuss! No one ever knows for sure if their heart will be broken or not. You have to take chances! You will not be devastated if he says no, and even if you are, you will recover. It'll be easier to deal with rejection than with regret. This I can assure you of!
Besides, this boy likes you.
Labels: advice, answer, asking a guy out, rejection
Unavailable guy
Rose, 20, from Minnesota asks:
I'm wondering if there is any appropriate way of telling an unavailable guy that you like him? I'm probably completely wrong, but I was thinking of emailing him, saying that hypothetically if he ever wanted to have lunch with me, I'd be thrilled. At this point, he isn't aware that I know he's dating someone, so I thought that wouldn't sound like I'm trying to break them up. Am I out of my mind, or is it possible to tactfully tell him I'm interested? If so, what should I do next?=) Rose
VictorM's advice:
He may be unavailable but he may also not be very serious about the girl. It's not up to you to assume that he is; it's up to him to tell you. So, go ahead and ask him for lunch, a movie, or anything you know he's interested in. Even if he's not willing to date you now because of another girl, that could change down the road. You really have nothing to lose. So... make a move.
I'm wondering if there is any appropriate way of telling an unavailable guy that you like him? I'm probably completely wrong, but I was thinking of emailing him, saying that hypothetically if he ever wanted to have lunch with me, I'd be thrilled. At this point, he isn't aware that I know he's dating someone, so I thought that wouldn't sound like I'm trying to break them up. Am I out of my mind, or is it possible to tactfully tell him I'm interested? If so, what should I do next?=) Rose
VictorM's advice:
He may be unavailable but he may also not be very serious about the girl. It's not up to you to assume that he is; it's up to him to tell you. So, go ahead and ask him for lunch, a movie, or anything you know he's interested in. Even if he's not willing to date you now because of another girl, that could change down the road. You really have nothing to lose. So... make a move.
Labels: advice, answer, asking a guy out
Friday, January 12, 2007
Grumpy and sometimes unpleasant
Alicia, 20, from Florida asks:
Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. I love him with all of my heart, but for about a year now (since he had to emigrate for me) he's really become grumpy and sometimes unpleasant to be around. He no longer seems to be driven to do anything romantic or make me feel special in any way. I keep on trying, like taking him out to dinner or planning special evenings...but I never get anything in return. I feel as though I just try and try and try...but in the end it seems as though I'm pushing for nothing. I've tried speaking to him about it, and he promises to make an effort, but it has been a year and he hasn't. Even our sex life has decreased drastically. I don't think I am an unattractive girl at all, and I feel as though I deserve more, but I'm not sure what else to do...please give me some testosteronial advice!
VictorM's advice:
You're trying too hard and with the wrong person. As long as you make a stink over him, he gets lazier and more secure about the relationship. You need to jolt him out of this sense of stability. Don't make an issue of his behavior for a while. Instead, go out more often with friends, dress up a little sexier when you go out without him, etc. The only way he might snap out of this rut is if he feels he's losing you. Don't be rude, don't be cold, greet him with smiles, but be a little more distant, spend more time without him and mention how much fun you had each time you go out.
Try it for a while -- it'll work... or your money back.
Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. I love him with all of my heart, but for about a year now (since he had to emigrate for me) he's really become grumpy and sometimes unpleasant to be around. He no longer seems to be driven to do anything romantic or make me feel special in any way. I keep on trying, like taking him out to dinner or planning special evenings...but I never get anything in return. I feel as though I just try and try and try...but in the end it seems as though I'm pushing for nothing. I've tried speaking to him about it, and he promises to make an effort, but it has been a year and he hasn't. Even our sex life has decreased drastically. I don't think I am an unattractive girl at all, and I feel as though I deserve more, but I'm not sure what else to do...please give me some testosteronial advice!
VictorM's advice:
You're trying too hard and with the wrong person. As long as you make a stink over him, he gets lazier and more secure about the relationship. You need to jolt him out of this sense of stability. Don't make an issue of his behavior for a while. Instead, go out more often with friends, dress up a little sexier when you go out without him, etc. The only way he might snap out of this rut is if he feels he's losing you. Don't be rude, don't be cold, greet him with smiles, but be a little more distant, spend more time without him and mention how much fun you had each time you go out.
Try it for a while -- it'll work... or your money back.
Labels: advice, answer, boyfriend, lazy, relationship
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Trust issues with men
Cary, 32, from Chicago, IL asks:
I have been dating this guy for four (4) months, and I had explained that I had trust issues with men in the past and was going to therapy and trying to change my ways. I did accept the fact that he has a close female friend, which did take some time, however, it was his ex-girlfriend that was the next problem for me. Until recently, he invited me over his place and had thirty pictures scattered on his bed, eight of which were of he and his girlfriend (one picture of himself touching her breast). I don't mind that he has pictures of her, but to have them scattered on his bed in bird's eye view, caught me off guard. Again, if he respected me, why didn't he put away the picture knowing I was coming over?
VictorM's answer:
Come on!!! This guy is rude to the core. You shouldn't accept that he has pictures of his ex around, much less spread out as you describe. The ex is gone and so should her pictures. Even if you had not told him about your issues, having those pictures out was plain stupid; but after what you told him, that was plain cruel.
This guy has a sadistic streak. I'm not kidding! Dump him or you're going to regret it many times over.
I have been dating this guy for four (4) months, and I had explained that I had trust issues with men in the past and was going to therapy and trying to change my ways. I did accept the fact that he has a close female friend, which did take some time, however, it was his ex-girlfriend that was the next problem for me. Until recently, he invited me over his place and had thirty pictures scattered on his bed, eight of which were of he and his girlfriend (one picture of himself touching her breast). I don't mind that he has pictures of her, but to have them scattered on his bed in bird's eye view, caught me off guard. Again, if he respected me, why didn't he put away the picture knowing I was coming over?
VictorM's answer:
Come on!!! This guy is rude to the core. You shouldn't accept that he has pictures of his ex around, much less spread out as you describe. The ex is gone and so should her pictures. Even if you had not told him about your issues, having those pictures out was plain stupid; but after what you told him, that was plain cruel.
This guy has a sadistic streak. I'm not kidding! Dump him or you're going to regret it many times over.
Labels: advice, answer, boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, pictures
We've come to a bit of a stand still
Danielle, 19, from NY asks:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about half a year now. I would classify it as a serious relationship, as we have talked about the future and everything. In the beginning of the relationship things were awesome, we were so in love, you know the deal. But I would say the past two months we've come to a bit of a stand still. He doesn't really take me out anymore, most of our time spent together is at home, he doesn't put in the effort and do those little things that he used to in the beginning etc, He's occasionally too tired to get physical. So the other day I had a talk with him, about maybe taking a break in our relationship. I thought maybe he was avoiding the talk because he didn't want to hurt me. Basically he freaked and said the thought of breaking up with me had never crossed his mind...Now he thinks that something is going on with me, or there is another guy involved "because this came out of nowhere." We are patching things up as I write this, so I'm pretty sure things will be okay but...I guess my question is what the hell should I think of this? Is this something that happens in all relationships? I wouldn't really know I guess. Does it get better, and is there a way to get past it? Basically I just don't know what to think about this confusing guy behavior. Insight appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
What's happening, unfortunately is far too common. Guys are notorious for getting lazy once they feel secure in the relationship. It's not a matter of being less in love, it's just they feel no need to keep working at it. Some guys get like this in months, same in years, but far too many get there sooner or later.
But just because it's common it doesn't mean you should settle for it. With such guys, the women need to keep lighting a fire under their lazy asses, trade the guy for another and hope the new one is better -- most often he isn't, or they can anticipate being unhappy.
What you do is up to you, but if you want to keep trying with this guy, let him think whatever he wants about the reason you brought this up. If he's not so secure in this relationship, he might realize he needs to work for you. Don't go out of your way to make him jealous, but make him wonder why you're wearing more perfume to work, or more make-up when going shopping. The problem is, you're likely to have to keep it up for the rest of your life unless this guy has some epiphany. Guys seldom get better at this; most often, it gets worse.
Just keep in mind that laziness, if not reversed, is an irreconcilable difference.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about half a year now. I would classify it as a serious relationship, as we have talked about the future and everything. In the beginning of the relationship things were awesome, we were so in love, you know the deal. But I would say the past two months we've come to a bit of a stand still. He doesn't really take me out anymore, most of our time spent together is at home, he doesn't put in the effort and do those little things that he used to in the beginning etc, He's occasionally too tired to get physical. So the other day I had a talk with him, about maybe taking a break in our relationship. I thought maybe he was avoiding the talk because he didn't want to hurt me. Basically he freaked and said the thought of breaking up with me had never crossed his mind...Now he thinks that something is going on with me, or there is another guy involved "because this came out of nowhere." We are patching things up as I write this, so I'm pretty sure things will be okay but...I guess my question is what the hell should I think of this? Is this something that happens in all relationships? I wouldn't really know I guess. Does it get better, and is there a way to get past it? Basically I just don't know what to think about this confusing guy behavior. Insight appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
What's happening, unfortunately is far too common. Guys are notorious for getting lazy once they feel secure in the relationship. It's not a matter of being less in love, it's just they feel no need to keep working at it. Some guys get like this in months, same in years, but far too many get there sooner or later.
But just because it's common it doesn't mean you should settle for it. With such guys, the women need to keep lighting a fire under their lazy asses, trade the guy for another and hope the new one is better -- most often he isn't, or they can anticipate being unhappy.
What you do is up to you, but if you want to keep trying with this guy, let him think whatever he wants about the reason you brought this up. If he's not so secure in this relationship, he might realize he needs to work for you. Don't go out of your way to make him jealous, but make him wonder why you're wearing more perfume to work, or more make-up when going shopping. The problem is, you're likely to have to keep it up for the rest of your life unless this guy has some epiphany. Guys seldom get better at this; most often, it gets worse.
Just keep in mind that laziness, if not reversed, is an irreconcilable difference.
Labels: boyfriend, irreconcilable difference, lazy
Friday, January 05, 2007
Is it weird that I like 12 graders?
Kira, 16, from Texas asks:
Is it weird that I like 12 graders? Both me and my friend like a senior, two different seniors. We are in 10th grade, we were paired with them in gym class during square dancing. We don't know what to make of it. Our friends say that they are way out of our league. Once the guys that we like sat out and we were stuck with guys that smoked. We gave the seniors a dirty look and then they looked worried. Afterwards the one senior went up to us and said sorry for sitting out. They didn't do it after that. We are so confused! They seem to like us but we have no idea.
VictorM's answer:
No, it's not weird you like seniors; it would be weird if you didn't. Let's face it, at 16 you're starting to have tastes a little more sophisticated and naturally older boys will be more appealing. And seniors have no problems with 16 year old girls, because chances are you've developed already. And at that age, it's important for them. That's not the only thing they'll notice but trust me, it's the major thing. So be prepared to handle that.
Is it weird that I like 12 graders? Both me and my friend like a senior, two different seniors. We are in 10th grade, we were paired with them in gym class during square dancing. We don't know what to make of it. Our friends say that they are way out of our league. Once the guys that we like sat out and we were stuck with guys that smoked. We gave the seniors a dirty look and then they looked worried. Afterwards the one senior went up to us and said sorry for sitting out. They didn't do it after that. We are so confused! They seem to like us but we have no idea.
VictorM's answer:
No, it's not weird you like seniors; it would be weird if you didn't. Let's face it, at 16 you're starting to have tastes a little more sophisticated and naturally older boys will be more appealing. And seniors have no problems with 16 year old girls, because chances are you've developed already. And at that age, it's important for them. That's not the only thing they'll notice but trust me, it's the major thing. So be prepared to handle that.
Labels: high-school, seniors
He always knows what to say to difuse the bomb
merline, 34, from florida asks:
My boyfriend and I have know each other for over a year. We have been dating for 10 months. I have handled our relationship with care, so has he. I waited to sleep with him and he agreed to wait until I was ready. We have been building a really good relationship, our friendship has been maintained also. On my side we have had many close calls, times I almost scared myself out of the relationship. He wouldn't have it. Whenever I have a problem with something he did or didn't do, said or didn't say, he always knows what to say to defuse the bomb in my insecurity. I have taken the safety he offers me to voice what is bothering me. He is always patient. I love that about him. I realized that he loved me. Then I realized I loved him. I find it easy to tell him. He likes and accepts my love. The thing is he is silent but speaks with actions. I always feel loved by him. He has been this way from the beginning. He buys me gifts, ask for my opinions on things, and he is super affectionate, alone or with people around. He always compliments me and he makes me feel important to him. I sometimes wonder how he does it, especially when he is so busy all the time. The calls have gotten low sometimes but at soon as I let him know they pick up. I know that he loves me. He even said it. Later he made it seem as if he didn't mean to say it. I almost believed him and dumped him, until he let me know that his actions tell, I should not long for the words. That is true. I can appreciate that most men will say what you want to hear, and do the opposite, I have a guy that is always showing me his love. Even when he thinks I am being "crazy". Since he said it, I made the mistake of bringing attention to it and that is when he gave me the turn around. A few weeks after that he said he believes we fit each other, that we think alike and meld really well together. He echos my thoughts always. we decided that we were a team. when he said this to me it meant more than a mere, I love you. It meant he feels just as comfortable with me as I do him. He even said there is no reason for him to look for someone more suitable that I suit him fine. What do you thinks? Are these good signs to you?
Does it seem like a solid way to start a relationship to you. thanks
VictorM's answer:
I only know of two perfect guys; you seem to have found the other one.
You have a solid star and a fantastic relationship already. Seriously, guys like the one you describe are very rare.
It bothers me a little that you still feel insecure enough to even ask. I mean, how much more perfect does a guy have to be? I hope you don't go spoiling things with too many demands. Insecurity of your kind can be handled, and your guy seems to be doing great, but it can also become a royal pain in the ass after a while. Use, but don't abuse, "the safety he offers" for you to speak your mind.
Anyway, good luck and relax, be happy.
My boyfriend and I have know each other for over a year. We have been dating for 10 months. I have handled our relationship with care, so has he. I waited to sleep with him and he agreed to wait until I was ready. We have been building a really good relationship, our friendship has been maintained also. On my side we have had many close calls, times I almost scared myself out of the relationship. He wouldn't have it. Whenever I have a problem with something he did or didn't do, said or didn't say, he always knows what to say to defuse the bomb in my insecurity. I have taken the safety he offers me to voice what is bothering me. He is always patient. I love that about him. I realized that he loved me. Then I realized I loved him. I find it easy to tell him. He likes and accepts my love. The thing is he is silent but speaks with actions. I always feel loved by him. He has been this way from the beginning. He buys me gifts, ask for my opinions on things, and he is super affectionate, alone or with people around. He always compliments me and he makes me feel important to him. I sometimes wonder how he does it, especially when he is so busy all the time. The calls have gotten low sometimes but at soon as I let him know they pick up. I know that he loves me. He even said it. Later he made it seem as if he didn't mean to say it. I almost believed him and dumped him, until he let me know that his actions tell, I should not long for the words. That is true. I can appreciate that most men will say what you want to hear, and do the opposite, I have a guy that is always showing me his love. Even when he thinks I am being "crazy". Since he said it, I made the mistake of bringing attention to it and that is when he gave me the turn around. A few weeks after that he said he believes we fit each other, that we think alike and meld really well together. He echos my thoughts always. we decided that we were a team. when he said this to me it meant more than a mere, I love you. It meant he feels just as comfortable with me as I do him. He even said there is no reason for him to look for someone more suitable that I suit him fine. What do you thinks? Are these good signs to you?
Does it seem like a solid way to start a relationship to you. thanks
VictorM's answer:
I only know of two perfect guys; you seem to have found the other one.
You have a solid star and a fantastic relationship already. Seriously, guys like the one you describe are very rare.
It bothers me a little that you still feel insecure enough to even ask. I mean, how much more perfect does a guy have to be? I hope you don't go spoiling things with too many demands. Insecurity of your kind can be handled, and your guy seems to be doing great, but it can also become a royal pain in the ass after a while. Use, but don't abuse, "the safety he offers" for you to speak your mind.
Anyway, good luck and relax, be happy.
Labels: relationship
Thursday, January 04, 2007
I have history with this guy
Courtney, 17, from Canada asks:
Okay just to warn you...this is gonna be a long one...well I'm a little bit confused right now. See, I have history with this guy, we've known each other since the third grade and he always used to drag me through puddles and jump on me in the snow. I thought he hated me but it turned out to be the opposite. We were best friends in grade five then had a fling in the summer the same year. We kept it a secret and decided to break it off after summer was over. When we got to high-school, we acted like strangers in the hallway. The last girlfriend he had was in grade 8 and I went through a few. He started talking to me after I broke up with my long term boyfriend. It was completely out of the blue to say the least and now we're good friends (in secret) and we can talk about anything and everything. It's hard to explain all the important stuff in between all this, but I want to know, coming from a guy's perspective...Do you think he might still have feelings for me?
VictorM's answer:
I think there's a very good chance of that. Even more, I think it's quite likely. It's natural that both of you had a few partners. At your ages, focusing on one person for too long is not the norm. Now, you're starting to mature and the attraction is coming back. But with a guy you can never rule out that he thinks you'll just be easy.
The one thing I don't understand is why keep the friendship a secret? Is it your choice or his? Is this a case of wanting to eat the cake and keeping it too?
Okay just to warn you...this is gonna be a long one...well I'm a little bit confused right now. See, I have history with this guy, we've known each other since the third grade and he always used to drag me through puddles and jump on me in the snow. I thought he hated me but it turned out to be the opposite. We were best friends in grade five then had a fling in the summer the same year. We kept it a secret and decided to break it off after summer was over. When we got to high-school, we acted like strangers in the hallway. The last girlfriend he had was in grade 8 and I went through a few. He started talking to me after I broke up with my long term boyfriend. It was completely out of the blue to say the least and now we're good friends (in secret) and we can talk about anything and everything. It's hard to explain all the important stuff in between all this, but I want to know, coming from a guy's perspective...Do you think he might still have feelings for me?
VictorM's answer:
I think there's a very good chance of that. Even more, I think it's quite likely. It's natural that both of you had a few partners. At your ages, focusing on one person for too long is not the norm. Now, you're starting to mature and the attraction is coming back. But with a guy you can never rule out that he thinks you'll just be easy.
The one thing I don't understand is why keep the friendship a secret? Is it your choice or his? Is this a case of wanting to eat the cake and keeping it too?
Labels: advice, friendship, relationship
I had a one night stand with a 36 year old man
Sara, 31, from Australia asks:
I had a one night stand with a 36 year old man who was at the end of a relationship, his girlfriend had asked him to leave. The sex was amazing and I felt that we shared something profound and intimate. He tells me that you cannot rush these things and that it takes a while for a flower to blossom. Obviously he is not ready for anything serious but I cannot stop thinking about him and think I am falling for him. Please help me decode 'it takes a while for a flower to blossom', what the hell does that mean?
VictorM's answer:
It's likely that you and him differ in the assessment of the one night stand. You think you had "shared something profound and intimate". I bet he thinks he just had a great night of fucking. BIG DIFFERENCE.
The flower comment simply means he didn't fall head over heels for you the way you did for him. But that's not to say it can't happen, it's just that he's moving at a slower pace than you when it comes to a relationship. That's quite common -- guys are seldom in a hurry to get hitched, even if the sex is great. In fact, if he can get you in bed without a commitment, it's like winning the lottery and something he won't want to change for a while.
So... there's some slow blossoming going on. It may turn into a flower; it may turn into a weed. But until you know, hey, great sex is nothing to sneeze at!
I had a one night stand with a 36 year old man who was at the end of a relationship, his girlfriend had asked him to leave. The sex was amazing and I felt that we shared something profound and intimate. He tells me that you cannot rush these things and that it takes a while for a flower to blossom. Obviously he is not ready for anything serious but I cannot stop thinking about him and think I am falling for him. Please help me decode 'it takes a while for a flower to blossom', what the hell does that mean?
VictorM's answer:
It's likely that you and him differ in the assessment of the one night stand. You think you had "shared something profound and intimate". I bet he thinks he just had a great night of fucking. BIG DIFFERENCE.
The flower comment simply means he didn't fall head over heels for you the way you did for him. But that's not to say it can't happen, it's just that he's moving at a slower pace than you when it comes to a relationship. That's quite common -- guys are seldom in a hurry to get hitched, even if the sex is great. In fact, if he can get you in bed without a commitment, it's like winning the lottery and something he won't want to change for a while.
So... there's some slow blossoming going on. It may turn into a flower; it may turn into a weed. But until you know, hey, great sex is nothing to sneeze at!
Labels: amazing sex, great sex, one night stand
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Broken picker when it comes to men
lisarenee, 35, from los angeles asks:
Do you think it is possible to have a broken picker when it comes to men? Also, most importantly, is it possible to forsake relationship involvement and put all of one's energy into a worthy cause as your life's work? I ask these questions because I seem to pick the worst guys for myself and have never been a good judge of character even when I try really hard to be. Also, I'm at the point where I don't want to put myself out there and be hurt anymore. I'm tired of losing in love and want to see something good come of my efforts in life. Thanks in advance :}
VictorM's advice:
A broken picker... :) that made me laugh. Come on, Lisarenee, you're too young to give up.
The answer to your question is Yes. And if you always seem to pick the wrong guys, than you're the problem. I'll explain why and what you can do about it to change.
Remember this: if you want to to change who you get attracted to, you need to change yourself. Basically, there is something about your personality that keeps getting attracted to guys with a certain personality -- the wrong kind. What it is about you that causes that? I don't know, but let me give you an example and maybe you can then use that to apply to yourself.
A girl keeps getting attracted to heavy drinkers. Time and time again. Reason: her girl's father was a heavy drinker but she was never able to make her father quit. So now, subconsciously, she's looking to correct her failure by saving this one guy in a way she could not save her father. Of course, it doesn't happen, and so she moves on to the next guy whose main attraction to her is that he needs her help. And so it starts all over again. This girl needs therapy to deal with the guilt she feels for not being able to help her father. Once she accepts that she's not guilty, she might find that her attraction to drunks ceases.
I'm oversimplifying, but I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying. What you have to do is look at your prior relationships and determine what is it about all these guys that you liked at first but then turned into "the worst guys"? Is it that they're party animals, flirty, outgoing, what? Find the one thing they all have most in common. Then, change your attitude about that attribute. For example, if you are shy and they are all very outgoing, you need to make yourself more outgoing so that this attribute is less important on the next guy.
If you can afford it, see a therapist. This is a perfect example of something a therapist can help you with. You can change who you get attracted to, but just wishing it won't do it.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Do you think it is possible to have a broken picker when it comes to men? Also, most importantly, is it possible to forsake relationship involvement and put all of one's energy into a worthy cause as your life's work? I ask these questions because I seem to pick the worst guys for myself and have never been a good judge of character even when I try really hard to be. Also, I'm at the point where I don't want to put myself out there and be hurt anymore. I'm tired of losing in love and want to see something good come of my efforts in life. Thanks in advance :}
VictorM's advice:
A broken picker... :) that made me laugh. Come on, Lisarenee, you're too young to give up.
The answer to your question is Yes. And if you always seem to pick the wrong guys, than you're the problem. I'll explain why and what you can do about it to change.
Remember this: if you want to to change who you get attracted to, you need to change yourself. Basically, there is something about your personality that keeps getting attracted to guys with a certain personality -- the wrong kind. What it is about you that causes that? I don't know, but let me give you an example and maybe you can then use that to apply to yourself.
A girl keeps getting attracted to heavy drinkers. Time and time again. Reason: her girl's father was a heavy drinker but she was never able to make her father quit. So now, subconsciously, she's looking to correct her failure by saving this one guy in a way she could not save her father. Of course, it doesn't happen, and so she moves on to the next guy whose main attraction to her is that he needs her help. And so it starts all over again. This girl needs therapy to deal with the guilt she feels for not being able to help her father. Once she accepts that she's not guilty, she might find that her attraction to drunks ceases.
I'm oversimplifying, but I hope you get the gist of what I'm saying. What you have to do is look at your prior relationships and determine what is it about all these guys that you liked at first but then turned into "the worst guys"? Is it that they're party animals, flirty, outgoing, what? Find the one thing they all have most in common. Then, change your attitude about that attribute. For example, if you are shy and they are all very outgoing, you need to make yourself more outgoing so that this attribute is less important on the next guy.
If you can afford it, see a therapist. This is a perfect example of something a therapist can help you with. You can change who you get attracted to, but just wishing it won't do it.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Labels: judge of character, wrong guy
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
I am scared my boyfriend is judging me
Sandy, 27, from Indio Ca asks:
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months and so far its been great. Although, three weeks ago I left my job because of personal reasons and now I am scared my boyfriend is judging me because I'm unemployed. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan to be in this situation for a long time. It just takes time to find a decent job you like. He rarely tells me anything about me being unemployed but I sense he feels that he is dating an irresponsible lady. Another reason that makes me feel this way is because I visited his parents for Christmas and I had to confess that I was unemployed and it was very scary. After I told this it felt that they were too judging me. I'm I over reacting?
VictorM's answer:
Yes, you are overreacting. Women are the ones that judge a man based on his ability as a provider. It's not in the guys' genes to think that way. Besides, quiting one job for another is something that people do all the time. Some stay in their jobs until they find another job, some quit first and look after. It's no big deal.
You should stop saying that you're unemployed. Do like the government does -- if you're not collecting unemployment compensation, you're not unemployed. You're just looking for your next job.
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months and so far its been great. Although, three weeks ago I left my job because of personal reasons and now I am scared my boyfriend is judging me because I'm unemployed. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan to be in this situation for a long time. It just takes time to find a decent job you like. He rarely tells me anything about me being unemployed but I sense he feels that he is dating an irresponsible lady. Another reason that makes me feel this way is because I visited his parents for Christmas and I had to confess that I was unemployed and it was very scary. After I told this it felt that they were too judging me. I'm I over reacting?
VictorM's answer:
Yes, you are overreacting. Women are the ones that judge a man based on his ability as a provider. It's not in the guys' genes to think that way. Besides, quiting one job for another is something that people do all the time. Some stay in their jobs until they find another job, some quit first and look after. It's no big deal.
You should stop saying that you're unemployed. Do like the government does -- if you're not collecting unemployment compensation, you're not unemployed. You're just looking for your next job.
Labels: boyfriend, unemployed
Monday, January 01, 2007
He's great but can't trust him
deezy, 17, from texas asks:
If you have a boyfriend and he's great but like never
If you have a boyfriend and he's great but like never