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Sunday, December 31, 2006
Some kind of back-up plan
Sharon, 30, from United States asks:
I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months now. A month and a half into "dating" we had the talk about where things were and we both agreed that we wanted to date each other but also date other people. Go forward another month and half and we have another talk about where this whole dating thing is headed. He said he tried to have a relationship with me (I didn't even realize this) but that he just isn't ready but still wants to date to see where this is going but also date other people still. So does he like me or am I just some kind of back-up plan? We always have fun together and I can tell he likes me by the little things he does, but after 4 months shouldn't you know whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone?
VictorM's advice:
Why should he feel so secure about a relationship with you when just a few weeks ago you were willing to date other guys too? So now that you have reached a conclusion, he should too, on your timetable? Doesn't work that way. I'm not convinced you're a back-up plan -- you might be -- but I'm more inclined to believe he's not convinced about your feelings for him.
My suggestion, if you really are ready to commit to him and you want him to commit to you, is to say to him that you are now sure he's the one, and since you reached that conclusion, you can't be a part-time lover. If he still needs to date other people, fine, but he can't date you. Basically, he'll have to shit or get off the pot about you.
If he decides to continue to play the field, then you have your answer -- you've been nothing but a back-up plan. If, however, he is willing to commit to you, well... name your first born after me.
I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months now. A month and a half into "dating" we had the talk about where things were and we both agreed that we wanted to date each other but also date other people. Go forward another month and half and we have another talk about where this whole dating thing is headed. He said he tried to have a relationship with me (I didn't even realize this) but that he just isn't ready but still wants to date to see where this is going but also date other people still. So does he like me or am I just some kind of back-up plan? We always have fun together and I can tell he likes me by the little things he does, but after 4 months shouldn't you know whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone?
VictorM's advice:
Why should he feel so secure about a relationship with you when just a few weeks ago you were willing to date other guys too? So now that you have reached a conclusion, he should too, on your timetable? Doesn't work that way. I'm not convinced you're a back-up plan -- you might be -- but I'm more inclined to believe he's not convinced about your feelings for him.
My suggestion, if you really are ready to commit to him and you want him to commit to you, is to say to him that you are now sure he's the one, and since you reached that conclusion, you can't be a part-time lover. If he still needs to date other people, fine, but he can't date you. Basically, he'll have to shit or get off the pot about you.
If he decides to continue to play the field, then you have your answer -- you've been nothing but a back-up plan. If, however, he is willing to commit to you, well... name your first born after me.
Labels: date other people, dating, relationship
He started talking dirty
Jessica, 18, from New York asks:
You know how I told you about the guy who likes to talk about sex a lot? and I did not know if that is all he wanted, and you told me that it is a guy thing? Well, we still are just seeing each other and he told me that he does not talk to other girls like he talks to me because he wants to be with me. Well, my cousin thought it was joke and got sick of it so he made a screen name and acted like a girl and he started talking dirty to him!! What should I do? I have no idea, please help me. I really like this guy.
VictorM's advice:
Your cousin should mind his own business. Stop testing him.
Look, boys do a lot of crazy things just for fun, and the Internet allows for that without anyone getting hurt... or a disease. This guy probably likes you but he simply may not be ready to get serious with anyone, not even you. He's goofing off, reacting to an over-abundance of testosterone. Sex dominates his life and he's masturbating like his penis is going to fall off.
Enjoy his company but don't let things get too serious for now and don't do anything with him that you're not comfortable doing. Enjoy his goofiness knowing that his loins are on fire every time he talks to you.
Also, don't believe he doesn't talk to other girls the same way -- of course he does. He has a one track mind for now. That's typical.
You know how I told you about the guy who likes to talk about sex a lot? and I did not know if that is all he wanted, and you told me that it is a guy thing? Well, we still are just seeing each other and he told me that he does not talk to other girls like he talks to me because he wants to be with me. Well, my cousin thought it was joke and got sick of it so he made a screen name and acted like a girl and he started talking dirty to him!! What should I do? I have no idea, please help me. I really like this guy.
VictorM's advice:
Your cousin should mind his own business. Stop testing him.
Look, boys do a lot of crazy things just for fun, and the Internet allows for that without anyone getting hurt... or a disease. This guy probably likes you but he simply may not be ready to get serious with anyone, not even you. He's goofing off, reacting to an over-abundance of testosterone. Sex dominates his life and he's masturbating like his penis is going to fall off.
Enjoy his company but don't let things get too serious for now and don't do anything with him that you're not comfortable doing. Enjoy his goofiness knowing that his loins are on fire every time he talks to you.
Also, don't believe he doesn't talk to other girls the same way -- of course he does. He has a one track mind for now. That's typical.
Labels: dirty talk, sex talk
Saturday, December 30, 2006
He always writes me these cute e-mails
Macy, 23, from St.George asks:
So this guy at my worked said he "liked me" but it was on the internet and he always writes me these cute e-mails but at work he flirts with so many other girls and he barely talks to me. I think he's shy but my best friend says that he might be embarrassed to talk to me. What should I do? I like him a lot but I'm not really sure if he likes me. Should I ask him out or will he think I'm a freak.
VictorM's advice:
It's entirely possible he's told lots of other girls that he "likes them" and sends them cute emails. But that he flirts with other girls at work and not you suggests that he does like you. Trust me, in guy logic, this makes sense.
Of course, that you are coworkers could be complicating things. But if you're willing to take a chance, it would be wiser to ask him to go to some event with you. For example: "Hey, I'm going to see *pick a movie you know he wants to see*, would you like to come along?" Once you get him out of the office and away from the internet you might get a better sense of what his intentions are.
Don't be too obvious about your attentions. If he's not interested in you the same way you are about him it would turn things awkward for both of you at work.
So this guy at my worked said he "liked me" but it was on the internet and he always writes me these cute e-mails but at work he flirts with so many other girls and he barely talks to me. I think he's shy but my best friend says that he might be embarrassed to talk to me. What should I do? I like him a lot but I'm not really sure if he likes me. Should I ask him out or will he think I'm a freak.
VictorM's advice:
It's entirely possible he's told lots of other girls that he "likes them" and sends them cute emails. But that he flirts with other girls at work and not you suggests that he does like you. Trust me, in guy logic, this makes sense.
Of course, that you are coworkers could be complicating things. But if you're willing to take a chance, it would be wiser to ask him to go to some event with you. For example: "Hey, I'm going to see *pick a movie you know he wants to see*, would you like to come along?" Once you get him out of the office and away from the internet you might get a better sense of what his intentions are.
Don't be too obvious about your attentions. If he's not interested in you the same way you are about him it would turn things awkward for both of you at work.
He was the missing puzzle
Meg, 31, from Canada asks:
I dated this guy a year ago, I have known him for 10 years when we got together. It was like he was the missing puzzle. I have three children and he has one. We dated years ago, we would talk about future stuff like a long term relationship, he would always bring this topic up. He told me he loved me first, but as time went on I found out he cheated on me. I broke up with him and we talked a bit after. I was really mad and hurt so I let him know. He told me I really like you a lot but I'm not ready for the long term relationship. Now I hear from friends that he is asking about me, like if they have talked to me and asking how I'm doing and what I have been up to and so on. I wanna know if he is checking to see if I'm seeing anyone or if I'm still mad at him. I'm getting the feeling that maybe he wants to call or talk to me but then again I could be wrong, that's why I'm asking you because guys are so hard to read :)
VictorM's answer:
Do you still look fine? Boobies and butt still in place? If the answer is yes, he wants some of that again. See Meg, guys are like open books. :)
Of course he still likes you and wants to know if you're still available. Does that mean he's ready to call you? Maybe not. He may feel that the events that led to the break-up ruined everything. But he's at least thinking about getting back together or wishing he could. Just because he cheated on you doesn't mean he's not fond of you or is in love with you still -- he probably is. But he may also have a girlfriend or a wife and is just naturally curious about you or willing to cheat on her with you.
Would you go back with him if he wanted to? I have no idea, neither does he. See, women are the ones that are hard to read.
I dated this guy a year ago, I have known him for 10 years when we got together. It was like he was the missing puzzle. I have three children and he has one. We dated years ago, we would talk about future stuff like a long term relationship, he would always bring this topic up. He told me he loved me first, but as time went on I found out he cheated on me. I broke up with him and we talked a bit after. I was really mad and hurt so I let him know. He told me I really like you a lot but I'm not ready for the long term relationship. Now I hear from friends that he is asking about me, like if they have talked to me and asking how I'm doing and what I have been up to and so on. I wanna know if he is checking to see if I'm seeing anyone or if I'm still mad at him. I'm getting the feeling that maybe he wants to call or talk to me but then again I could be wrong, that's why I'm asking you because guys are so hard to read :)
VictorM's answer:
Do you still look fine? Boobies and butt still in place? If the answer is yes, he wants some of that again. See Meg, guys are like open books. :)
Of course he still likes you and wants to know if you're still available. Does that mean he's ready to call you? Maybe not. He may feel that the events that led to the break-up ruined everything. But he's at least thinking about getting back together or wishing he could. Just because he cheated on you doesn't mean he's not fond of you or is in love with you still -- he probably is. But he may also have a girlfriend or a wife and is just naturally curious about you or willing to cheat on her with you.
Would you go back with him if he wanted to? I have no idea, neither does he. See, women are the ones that are hard to read.
Labels: cheat, ex-boyfriend
My boyfriend hasn't worked in 2 years
Connie, 28, from Washington asks:
My boyfriend hasn't worked in 2 years. He plays his PS2 games all day, looks at porn, chats in forums and occasionally cleans the house. When I come home from work he is most of the time attentive and loving. Sometimes he will stay up all night and sleep all day. I have accepted that he will probably never work unless I kick him out. My question is: I am happy with the situation but should I be?
VictorM's advice:
If the roles were reversed, meaning you stayed home and he worked, no one would even bat an eye. You're happy. What's wrong with being happy? Why should anyone else have any say in it? To quote a famous song: don't worry, be happy.
My boyfriend hasn't worked in 2 years. He plays his PS2 games all day, looks at porn, chats in forums and occasionally cleans the house. When I come home from work he is most of the time attentive and loving. Sometimes he will stay up all night and sleep all day. I have accepted that he will probably never work unless I kick him out. My question is: I am happy with the situation but should I be?
VictorM's advice:
If the roles were reversed, meaning you stayed home and he worked, no one would even bat an eye. You're happy. What's wrong with being happy? Why should anyone else have any say in it? To quote a famous song: don't worry, be happy.
Labels: boyfriend, stay at home
Friday, December 29, 2006
He told me that it did not matter what I looked like
Jessica, 21, from New York asks:
I was talking to this guy online and he told me that it did not matter what I looked like and that when it comes to being with someone it is all about what is inside not what they look like. So when I showed him my picture he deleted all my comments and blocked me on everything and I did not know why. So a couple days ago I got on my cousin's name and talked to him and he told me he would unblock me and he became my friend again on myspace and I don't know what to think about that? I don't know if he still likes me or what? Or if I should talk to him, I just don't know. Can you please help me here?
VictorM's advice:
Never believe a guy who says looks don't matter. He's only saying that crap because he thinks that's what women like to hear. Some women do like to hear that lie; they're idiots! Please don't be such a woman. Your life will be better if you're not so gullible.
My guess is that in his mind he had an image of you and when he saw your picture for the first time it didn't match his imagination. So he freaked out and did what guys do best -- he disappeared! After a few days, either he realized his expectations were too unrealistic or he took pity on you. Either way, if you enjoy talking to him continue to do so. You'll be able to gauge is interest by the amount of feedback you get. Just lower your expectations.
So, have you seen his picture? Please don't tell me his looks don't matter!
I was talking to this guy online and he told me that it did not matter what I looked like and that when it comes to being with someone it is all about what is inside not what they look like. So when I showed him my picture he deleted all my comments and blocked me on everything and I did not know why. So a couple days ago I got on my cousin's name and talked to him and he told me he would unblock me and he became my friend again on myspace and I don't know what to think about that? I don't know if he still likes me or what? Or if I should talk to him, I just don't know. Can you please help me here?
VictorM's advice:
Never believe a guy who says looks don't matter. He's only saying that crap because he thinks that's what women like to hear. Some women do like to hear that lie; they're idiots! Please don't be such a woman. Your life will be better if you're not so gullible.
My guess is that in his mind he had an image of you and when he saw your picture for the first time it didn't match his imagination. So he freaked out and did what guys do best -- he disappeared! After a few days, either he realized his expectations were too unrealistic or he took pity on you. Either way, if you enjoy talking to him continue to do so. You'll be able to gauge is interest by the amount of feedback you get. Just lower your expectations.
So, have you seen his picture? Please don't tell me his looks don't matter!
Labels: looks don't matter, myspace, picture
I love a guy six years older
Donna, 18, from cleveland asks:
I love a guy six years older. We had rough and good times. My parent's hate him ... we talk everyday and one night I asked what I meant to him. He said we're best friends. I need to know truly what we does best friends mean. More or not.. Help?
VictorM's answer:
If you've known him for a while, "best friends" means he's not interested in you romantically. And if he knows you love him, he wants you to know that. And now that you asked him what you mean to him, don't be surprised if he starts putting some distance between you and him, like, oh I don't know... never seeing you again. OK, maybe not that drastic, but do expect a change; he'll be more distant.
I love a guy six years older. We had rough and good times. My parent's hate him ... we talk everyday and one night I asked what I meant to him. He said we're best friends. I need to know truly what we does best friends mean. More or not.. Help?
VictorM's answer:
If you've known him for a while, "best friends" means he's not interested in you romantically. And if he knows you love him, he wants you to know that. And now that you asked him what you mean to him, don't be surprised if he starts putting some distance between you and him, like, oh I don't know... never seeing you again. OK, maybe not that drastic, but do expect a change; he'll be more distant.
Labels: age difference, best friends
Thursday, December 28, 2006
He will act really annoyed with me sometimes
Elizabeth, 28, from California asks:
My boyfriend does this thing where he will act really annoyed with me sometimes, and then act surprised when I realize that I don't want to be around him when he's like that and leave. It's like he honestly doesn't know he's doing it. What annoys me most is that I know if his friends were there (and this includes his best friend who is a girl) he would NEVER do that to them. I have brought this up and he just says that it is because he is more "comfortable" with them. I am on the verge of dumping him, and just when I think I am ready to I realize that I'm acting like a jerk and feel like I can take it again.
VictorM's advice:
I'm not so sure that the level of comfort with his friends is the reason he doesn't do it with them. The issues facing best friends and a romantic partner are quite different. Guys don't plan a future with friends, and their friends need not be as perfect as the woman with whom they plan to raise a family and spend the rest of their lives. With you, there's a lot more at stake.
His annoyance could be a a reflection of something that's not quite right -- could be with you, with work, with his favorite sports team -- but he's compelled to share it with you, and he does it just like a 4 year old would. Unless he does if too often and for long periods of time, how bad can it be? When it happens, walk away in amusement recognizing he's dealing with his inner child. Go get a manicure, go shopping, pay your bills, etc. In time, he'll learn that acting annoyed gets him nowhere.
Train him... like a puppy.
My boyfriend does this thing where he will act really annoyed with me sometimes, and then act surprised when I realize that I don't want to be around him when he's like that and leave. It's like he honestly doesn't know he's doing it. What annoys me most is that I know if his friends were there (and this includes his best friend who is a girl) he would NEVER do that to them. I have brought this up and he just says that it is because he is more "comfortable" with them. I am on the verge of dumping him, and just when I think I am ready to I realize that I'm acting like a jerk and feel like I can take it again.
VictorM's advice:
I'm not so sure that the level of comfort with his friends is the reason he doesn't do it with them. The issues facing best friends and a romantic partner are quite different. Guys don't plan a future with friends, and their friends need not be as perfect as the woman with whom they plan to raise a family and spend the rest of their lives. With you, there's a lot more at stake.
His annoyance could be a a reflection of something that's not quite right -- could be with you, with work, with his favorite sports team -- but he's compelled to share it with you, and he does it just like a 4 year old would. Unless he does if too often and for long periods of time, how bad can it be? When it happens, walk away in amusement recognizing he's dealing with his inner child. Go get a manicure, go shopping, pay your bills, etc. In time, he'll learn that acting annoyed gets him nowhere.
Train him... like a puppy.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Hurting balls
Lizzy, 17, from Ohio asks:
What does it mean when you give a guy oral and a couple minutes after he has ejaculated, his balls hurt for a couple of minutes?
VictorM's answer:
Blue balls!
Getting physically excited means flow of blood into his sexual apparatus. If he's stimulated for a long period of time, he may get pain similar to anyone who gets a bruise (hence the term "blue balls"). Some guys are more vulnerable to it than others. With some guys, it may take longer periods of being excited than others.
Don't worry -- it's fairly common, it won't kill him, and his balls won't fall off.
Of course, I'm assuming you're not biting his balls like if they are a piece of beef jerky.
What does it mean when you give a guy oral and a couple minutes after he has ejaculated, his balls hurt for a couple of minutes?
VictorM's answer:
Blue balls!
Getting physically excited means flow of blood into his sexual apparatus. If he's stimulated for a long period of time, he may get pain similar to anyone who gets a bruise (hence the term "blue balls"). Some guys are more vulnerable to it than others. With some guys, it may take longer periods of being excited than others.
Don't worry -- it's fairly common, it won't kill him, and his balls won't fall off.
Of course, I'm assuming you're not biting his balls like if they are a piece of beef jerky.
Labels: blue balls, oral sex
The dog and the funeral
julia, 32, from new jersey asks:
This guy was working at the record shop, we hung out a couple times a couple months back. Now he quit the shop. When I went in there a few days before his last day, he asked me out. We went out, had fun. He paid. He said we would have to do this again, before he leaves town for xmas. I went to the shop a couple days later, on his last day, he wanted to go out again the next week. He called a couple days later needing help, his uncle died and he needed me to watch his dog at my house and probably longer since he is moving back home and his parents said no dog. I say okay, he comes over we talk a bit then he goes home. He goes to funeral, he came back in town for a day before leaving for xmas vacation for a few days, he came over gave me a present for watching the dog, we went to the room where the dog was, let the dog roam, and we talked about different things. He always asks how I've been. When he left in a little bit, he said he wanted to go out to eat when he came back (since we didn't get to go because of funeral) to town in a few days. Does he like me?
VictorM's answer:
He keeps asking you out, you have fun, you dog-sat for his dog... I think you're heading straight to relationship heaven... unless... let me get this straight: he's moving back to his parent's who won't allow him to have a dog. OK, so what's going to happen to the dog? Are you keeping it? For how long?
He either likes you or he needs a dog sitter. Well, it could be both but how will you know? I sure as heck don't. I wouldn't rule anything out.
Hey, at least he didn't have a boa constrictor as a pet.
This guy was working at the record shop, we hung out a couple times a couple months back. Now he quit the shop. When I went in there a few days before his last day, he asked me out. We went out, had fun. He paid. He said we would have to do this again, before he leaves town for xmas. I went to the shop a couple days later, on his last day, he wanted to go out again the next week. He called a couple days later needing help, his uncle died and he needed me to watch his dog at my house and probably longer since he is moving back home and his parents said no dog. I say okay, he comes over we talk a bit then he goes home. He goes to funeral, he came back in town for a day before leaving for xmas vacation for a few days, he came over gave me a present for watching the dog, we went to the room where the dog was, let the dog roam, and we talked about different things. He always asks how I've been. When he left in a little bit, he said he wanted to go out to eat when he came back (since we didn't get to go because of funeral) to town in a few days. Does he like me?
VictorM's answer:
He keeps asking you out, you have fun, you dog-sat for his dog... I think you're heading straight to relationship heaven... unless... let me get this straight: he's moving back to his parent's who won't allow him to have a dog. OK, so what's going to happen to the dog? Are you keeping it? For how long?
He either likes you or he needs a dog sitter. Well, it could be both but how will you know? I sure as heck don't. I wouldn't rule anything out.
Hey, at least he didn't have a boa constrictor as a pet.
Labels: dating, relationship
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
What's his problem?
josie, 17, from texas asks:
This guy started to like me and I wasn't really ready to get into a relationship, but then he won me over. And we started talking and hanging out and he was like I think I am falling in love with you. Then we officially started to go out and the next day he says I'm childish and wants to break up so I'm like completely at a loss but I'm like OK. So he texts me and says I still love you and I wanna be friends. I say OK so I give an ex boyfriend of mine a ride home and the guy that just broke up with me gets all angry at me and he says I did him wrong by giving my old ex a ride and he says that we did it and I say no we didn't, it was just a ride and he says the real reason he broke up with me was because we will be graduating in 4 months and he doesn't want to get hurt but he still loves me so I'm like if you loved me you would believe me when I say nothing happened and try to work it out..forget about graduate and lets just enjoy it now, so then we start to hang out again and a couple of days later he is avoiding me again! So is he just playing mind games with me a never cared like he said he did or what do you think is his problem?
VictorM's advice:
I think he loves you, like a child loves a toy kinda thing. I don't believe he's playing mind games; he's just a child not yet ready for a relationship. His insecurity and his changing his mind just mean this boy is more ready for a game of Parcheesi than he is to have a girlfriend. Who knows, when he grows up he might be OK, but right now you're wasting your time with him.
Give him a lollipop and send him home to mommy.
This guy started to like me and I wasn't really ready to get into a relationship, but then he won me over. And we started talking and hanging out and he was like I think I am falling in love with you. Then we officially started to go out and the next day he says I'm childish and wants to break up so I'm like completely at a loss but I'm like OK. So he texts me and says I still love you and I wanna be friends. I say OK so I give an ex boyfriend of mine a ride home and the guy that just broke up with me gets all angry at me and he says I did him wrong by giving my old ex a ride and he says that we did it and I say no we didn't, it was just a ride and he says the real reason he broke up with me was because we will be graduating in 4 months and he doesn't want to get hurt but he still loves me so I'm like if you loved me you would believe me when I say nothing happened and try to work it out..forget about graduate and lets just enjoy it now, so then we start to hang out again and a couple of days later he is avoiding me again! So is he just playing mind games with me a never cared like he said he did or what do you think is his problem?
VictorM's advice:
I think he loves you, like a child loves a toy kinda thing. I don't believe he's playing mind games; he's just a child not yet ready for a relationship. His insecurity and his changing his mind just mean this boy is more ready for a game of Parcheesi than he is to have a girlfriend. Who knows, when he grows up he might be OK, but right now you're wasting your time with him.
Give him a lollipop and send him home to mommy.
Labels: boyfriend, childish, insecure
Talking about our relationship
D, 18, from norcal asks:
My boyfriend doesn't like talking about our relationship, and I guess most guys don't but...problem is, we started as a young couple, and we both made mistakes along the way but we're older now and we've moved on... or so the relationship has in a way. Thing is, he can kiss and make up and mow right over the incident, but I can't get it out of my head until I get it off my chest and 'resolved.' Every time my mind goes idle I'll think about it and I'll get irritated and blow up at him, but I don't want to say it's about something completely irrelevant to current events, so I don't tell him what it is. How do I get him to just sit tight and give me some closure on our relationship bumps??
VictorM's advice:
As you said, this is a very common situation. Quite often it never gets resolved and so the problems linger and grow with time. It's a good think that you're aware of this and want to do something about it, however, it takes two to resolve this problem and unless he understands what's going on, you're left to get more irritated as time goes on.
Did you sit down with him, calmly, and explained to him exactly what you told us? If you did, you need to try again and if you didn't, you need to. But before you do, you must be in the frame of mind that this is your issue, not his. You must bring it up as something you need to do, something that you need his help with, and at no time should you try to place blame on him. If you make it your issue, one that you need his help rather than something he must change, you might stand a better chance.
Anytime you talk to a guy about your feelings and your needs rather than his shortcomings and his flaws, you stand a much better chance of getting him to change.
My boyfriend doesn't like talking about our relationship, and I guess most guys don't but...problem is, we started as a young couple, and we both made mistakes along the way but we're older now and we've moved on... or so the relationship has in a way. Thing is, he can kiss and make up and mow right over the incident, but I can't get it out of my head until I get it off my chest and 'resolved.' Every time my mind goes idle I'll think about it and I'll get irritated and blow up at him, but I don't want to say it's about something completely irrelevant to current events, so I don't tell him what it is. How do I get him to just sit tight and give me some closure on our relationship bumps??
VictorM's advice:
As you said, this is a very common situation. Quite often it never gets resolved and so the problems linger and grow with time. It's a good think that you're aware of this and want to do something about it, however, it takes two to resolve this problem and unless he understands what's going on, you're left to get more irritated as time goes on.
Did you sit down with him, calmly, and explained to him exactly what you told us? If you did, you need to try again and if you didn't, you need to. But before you do, you must be in the frame of mind that this is your issue, not his. You must bring it up as something you need to do, something that you need his help with, and at no time should you try to place blame on him. If you make it your issue, one that you need his help rather than something he must change, you might stand a better chance.
Anytime you talk to a guy about your feelings and your needs rather than his shortcomings and his flaws, you stand a much better chance of getting him to change.
Labels: communication, relationship
Monday, December 25, 2006
When is it OK to tell a guy that you love him?
lisarenee, 35, from los angeles asks:
For future reference, when is it o.k. to tell a guy that you love him? Also should the lady wait for the man to say it first or does it matter who says it first? Thanks for your recent advice, I'm working on it now and resolve to be more observant in the future
VictorM's answer:
If you and a friend go out for a jog, it makes sense that you two would jog at the pace of the slowest runner. With relationships, it should be the same way. For example, couples should engage in sex only when the one most reluctant to do it says so. Generally, that's the female. When it comes to saying the magic words "I love you", I think you should wait till the guy says it first because: one, guys generally take the longest to say those words and mean it, and two, the female saying it first often spooks the guy if he's not yet ready for that step.
Of course, just like guys wanting sex, girls wanting to hear "I love you" have nothing to lose by prodding their mates along. Just don't get greedy.
If you two are truly in love with each other, what's the rush? You'll have a lifetime of "I love yous" ahead of you. (That's guy-think for you)
For future reference, when is it o.k. to tell a guy that you love him? Also should the lady wait for the man to say it first or does it matter who says it first? Thanks for your recent advice, I'm working on it now and resolve to be more observant in the future
VictorM's answer:
If you and a friend go out for a jog, it makes sense that you two would jog at the pace of the slowest runner. With relationships, it should be the same way. For example, couples should engage in sex only when the one most reluctant to do it says so. Generally, that's the female. When it comes to saying the magic words "I love you", I think you should wait till the guy says it first because: one, guys generally take the longest to say those words and mean it, and two, the female saying it first often spooks the guy if he's not yet ready for that step.
Of course, just like guys wanting sex, girls wanting to hear "I love you" have nothing to lose by prodding their mates along. Just don't get greedy.
If you two are truly in love with each other, what's the rush? You'll have a lifetime of "I love yous" ahead of you. (That's guy-think for you)
Labels: I love you
Sunday, December 24, 2006
He talks a lot about sex
jessica, 18, from new york asks:
My guy friend who I might get serious with talks a lot about sex. I mean guys get horny but still... but when I ask him to stop talking about it he does. So what should do? What should I think? I don't know if he only wants me for sex or if he really wants to be with me because he is very nice to me and treats me good.
VictorM's advice:
He sounds pretty normal to me. Sex is a big topic for guys around your age. It just means he's comfortable with you, which is why the topic comes up. That he stops talking about it when you ask and that he is nice and treats you well is what matters.
If you start seeing him as his girlfriend, you will control if and when to have sex. Of course he's going to want to have sex -- he would be defective if he didn't -- but as long as he listens to you and respects what you say, you'll be fine. If he doesn't listen, then you can give him the boot... right on the groin!
My guy friend who I might get serious with talks a lot about sex. I mean guys get horny but still... but when I ask him to stop talking about it he does. So what should do? What should I think? I don't know if he only wants me for sex or if he really wants to be with me because he is very nice to me and treats me good.
VictorM's advice:
He sounds pretty normal to me. Sex is a big topic for guys around your age. It just means he's comfortable with you, which is why the topic comes up. That he stops talking about it when you ask and that he is nice and treats you well is what matters.
If you start seeing him as his girlfriend, you will control if and when to have sex. Of course he's going to want to have sex -- he would be defective if he didn't -- but as long as he listens to you and respects what you say, you'll be fine. If he doesn't listen, then you can give him the boot... right on the groin!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
He ended up being caught by one of my friends
amber, from va asks:
I posted here before in regards to my boyfriend. You were right, he ended up being caught by one of my friends and he finally told me he has been seeing another girl the whole time we have been dating. Then to make it worse, like a dummy I wanted to know why. He ended up telling me she was better in bed than me. He said I didn't know enough, blah, blah. I am so upset because I love him. I feel like he couldn't love me if he could cheat and couldn't love me if he thinks I suck in bed. It has given me a complex. It hurts to hear the one you love tell you someone else is better than you. What do I do other than cry? I have never been through this before. Thanks for listening to me. btw-- he keeps telling me he messed up and he doesn't want to lose me. I am scared if i stay, he would do it again.
VictorM's advice:
You are right about one thing: asking him why was a dumb question. Guys don't tell the truth when asked that question. They usually lie so as not to hurt the girl's feelings. Your guy, however, was a bigger coward. He was only thinking of himself when he talked about you in bed. He saw it as a way to justify his actions, but clearly he's lying.
Cheaters don't cheat because they are not satisfied with their partner or because someone else is better, whatever that means; they cheat because they can't control their lust. Cheating is all about the cheater, not the partner. He tried to make you the "bad guy" and that sucks big time. So don't fall pray to his words of deceit and try not to let it affect your opinion about yourself.
You'd be making a huge mistake to go back with him; he will cheat on you again.
Take your chances with someone new even if it will take some time to get over this jerk.
I posted here before in regards to my boyfriend. You were right, he ended up being caught by one of my friends and he finally told me he has been seeing another girl the whole time we have been dating. Then to make it worse, like a dummy I wanted to know why. He ended up telling me she was better in bed than me. He said I didn't know enough, blah, blah. I am so upset because I love him. I feel like he couldn't love me if he could cheat and couldn't love me if he thinks I suck in bed. It has given me a complex. It hurts to hear the one you love tell you someone else is better than you. What do I do other than cry? I have never been through this before. Thanks for listening to me. btw-- he keeps telling me he messed up and he doesn't want to lose me. I am scared if i stay, he would do it again.
VictorM's advice:
You are right about one thing: asking him why was a dumb question. Guys don't tell the truth when asked that question. They usually lie so as not to hurt the girl's feelings. Your guy, however, was a bigger coward. He was only thinking of himself when he talked about you in bed. He saw it as a way to justify his actions, but clearly he's lying.
Cheaters don't cheat because they are not satisfied with their partner or because someone else is better, whatever that means; they cheat because they can't control their lust. Cheating is all about the cheater, not the partner. He tried to make you the "bad guy" and that sucks big time. So don't fall pray to his words of deceit and try not to let it affect your opinion about yourself.
You'd be making a huge mistake to go back with him; he will cheat on you again.
Take your chances with someone new even if it will take some time to get over this jerk.
I read his emails
christa, 27, from canada asks:
I have been married to this man for 6 years. We have had some issues in the past and we overcame them. Two years ago we separated because there was another woman, we were separated for 6 months than out of the grace of god we got back together which made me happy due to the fact that we have 3 kids. Anyway the other night he was reading his email and I saw a site he says his friend signed him up for looking for girls in our area for a good time, we talked about it and he said that it was nothing. I had a bad feeling about all of this so he gave me his email password and told me to see for myself. So he left for a couple of hours and I read his emails and I found one from a girl and him replying to it about how he wants to have sex with her but can't because he's in a custody battle with his ex-wife and he can't go "whoring around" cause his ex wife will hold it against him in court. I'm mortified. I called him on it and he agrees that he did but tells me that he made a mistake and stupid. He told me things like he was just blowing her off or that it was all fiction but it's real to me I'm very hurt and confused. I have asked him to leave after the holidays for the sake of our children and xmas being only 4 days away. He told me that he can't believe that I'm throwing away our marriage over a fictional conversation with a woman he's not interested in. I beg to differ. I just need a little clarity. Does all this sound as screwed up as it is? Please help. Thanks, heartbroken in canada
VictorM's advice:
I too can't believe you'd end your marriage over this. Your guy doesn't win any medals for proper conduct (or for brightness) but I can understand it being all a silly fantasy thing with him. Guys are quite capable of doing the sort of stuff he did with no intentions to follow-up.
He let you read the emails, he didn't deny them, and on the emails he's telling the girl he's not going to meet her. So he's making up some stuff about custody, so what? He doesn't owe her the full truth.
Look, he was online, goofing around. It was dumb but no big deal. Most guys have a part of themselves that sometimes behaves like an irresponsible teenager. That's what he was doing. And as far as irresponsible goes, this sounds pretty mild.
I have been married to this man for 6 years. We have had some issues in the past and we overcame them. Two years ago we separated because there was another woman, we were separated for 6 months than out of the grace of god we got back together which made me happy due to the fact that we have 3 kids. Anyway the other night he was reading his email and I saw a site he says his friend signed him up for looking for girls in our area for a good time, we talked about it and he said that it was nothing. I had a bad feeling about all of this so he gave me his email password and told me to see for myself. So he left for a couple of hours and I read his emails and I found one from a girl and him replying to it about how he wants to have sex with her but can't because he's in a custody battle with his ex-wife and he can't go "whoring around" cause his ex wife will hold it against him in court. I'm mortified. I called him on it and he agrees that he did but tells me that he made a mistake and stupid. He told me things like he was just blowing her off or that it was all fiction but it's real to me I'm very hurt and confused. I have asked him to leave after the holidays for the sake of our children and xmas being only 4 days away. He told me that he can't believe that I'm throwing away our marriage over a fictional conversation with a woman he's not interested in. I beg to differ. I just need a little clarity. Does all this sound as screwed up as it is? Please help. Thanks, heartbroken in canada
VictorM's advice:
I too can't believe you'd end your marriage over this. Your guy doesn't win any medals for proper conduct (or for brightness) but I can understand it being all a silly fantasy thing with him. Guys are quite capable of doing the sort of stuff he did with no intentions to follow-up.
He let you read the emails, he didn't deny them, and on the emails he's telling the girl he's not going to meet her. So he's making up some stuff about custody, so what? He doesn't owe her the full truth.
Look, he was online, goofing around. It was dumb but no big deal. Most guys have a part of themselves that sometimes behaves like an irresponsible teenager. That's what he was doing. And as far as irresponsible goes, this sounds pretty mild.
Labels: emails, husband, other girl
I went out with an ex-boyfriend again
Tanna, 30, from thunder bay, asks:
I went out with an ex-boyfriend again for about a year. We broke up. Didn't see him for a awhile after. Now he is everywhere I am because he knows where I hang out with friends. He started going to my best friend's work to shop, he never did that before. Yesterday he went in and talked to my friend, asked how I was doing. This is not the first time he has asked a friend how I was. I talk to his friend still and get along great, she always seems to talk about him when we chat and telling me that he really liked me. I think he is fishing for info to see if I'm dating anyone so he can call. Am I right or am I reading into this to much?
VictorM's answer:
Maybe he likes your friend and uses you as a conversation started to talk to her. Nah.... you're a woman, I'm sure the world revolves around you.
I kid.
I don't know why you two broke up but it's possible he still likes you and would want another shot. Clearly his interest in you sounds unusual unless he was interested.
Some guys are glutton's for punishment!
I went out with an ex-boyfriend again for about a year. We broke up. Didn't see him for a awhile after. Now he is everywhere I am because he knows where I hang out with friends. He started going to my best friend's work to shop, he never did that before. Yesterday he went in and talked to my friend, asked how I was doing. This is not the first time he has asked a friend how I was. I talk to his friend still and get along great, she always seems to talk about him when we chat and telling me that he really liked me. I think he is fishing for info to see if I'm dating anyone so he can call. Am I right or am I reading into this to much?
VictorM's answer:
Maybe he likes your friend and uses you as a conversation started to talk to her. Nah.... you're a woman, I'm sure the world revolves around you.
I kid.
I don't know why you two broke up but it's possible he still likes you and would want another shot. Clearly his interest in you sounds unusual unless he was interested.
Some guys are glutton's for punishment!
Labels: ex-boyfriend
Friday, December 22, 2006
He admitted to being on the phone with another girl
Kayla, 19, from Montreal asks:
My boyfriend and I get along real good. And we talk to each other every night before going to bed. It's become a habit for us. But on my way home from work tonight, I called to talk to him while riding the bus. He said he had to do something and would call me back in 5 minutes. And when he says that, he does. An hour later, he still hasn't called. Half hour later I called him again and find out that for the past 1 1/2 hour he's been talking to a girl he goes to school with, while I've been trying to talk to him. I asked him to get off the phone with her so I can talk to him. Seeing as how he would be seeing that girl the next day at school anyways. He didn't exactly do it but the girl eventually hung after being put on hold. When I told him how I didn't quite like that and calmed down after getting upset about, we started talking. Out of nowhere he had asked me to do something out of the ordinary and I realized he was "excited". I got curious and asked him what was he talking to that girl about. He admitted to being on the phone with another girl talking about sex! Sex was the important thing he had to talk about. Then says that he doesn't see what the problem is. Am I wrong for being upset at him for talking to another girl about sex while I was trying to talk to him?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not wrong about being upset. You're only wrong that you didn't yank if penis right off his body and shoved it down his throat. I think many women would have done it.
I can imagine him getting carried away with the conversation about sex even if he had no ill intentions, but there is no doubt that he's entering into a world of intimacy with that girl that is troubling. Not to say anything will happen between them, but they are closer to it than a guy with a girlfriend should be with a school mate.
He was wrong in so any ways and he should apologise to you. If he doesn't... get a pair of pliers ready!
My boyfriend and I get along real good. And we talk to each other every night before going to bed. It's become a habit for us. But on my way home from work tonight, I called to talk to him while riding the bus. He said he had to do something and would call me back in 5 minutes. And when he says that, he does. An hour later, he still hasn't called. Half hour later I called him again and find out that for the past 1 1/2 hour he's been talking to a girl he goes to school with, while I've been trying to talk to him. I asked him to get off the phone with her so I can talk to him. Seeing as how he would be seeing that girl the next day at school anyways. He didn't exactly do it but the girl eventually hung after being put on hold. When I told him how I didn't quite like that and calmed down after getting upset about, we started talking. Out of nowhere he had asked me to do something out of the ordinary and I realized he was "excited". I got curious and asked him what was he talking to that girl about. He admitted to being on the phone with another girl talking about sex! Sex was the important thing he had to talk about. Then says that he doesn't see what the problem is. Am I wrong for being upset at him for talking to another girl about sex while I was trying to talk to him?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not wrong about being upset. You're only wrong that you didn't yank if penis right off his body and shoved it down his throat. I think many women would have done it.
I can imagine him getting carried away with the conversation about sex even if he had no ill intentions, but there is no doubt that he's entering into a world of intimacy with that girl that is troubling. Not to say anything will happen between them, but they are closer to it than a guy with a girlfriend should be with a school mate.
He was wrong in so any ways and he should apologise to you. If he doesn't... get a pair of pliers ready!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
He was incredibly attentive and loving.
Debra, 26, from Minnesota asks:
My boyfriend is from the Dominican Republic. He lives in America playing baseball. I met him this year while he was here. He was incredibly attentive and loving. A few months ago, he went home to the Dominican to live for a few months. The first two weeks, he called me constantly begging me to come there. I was having a hard time with the long distance relationship and one night I left him a message suggesting we see other people. Bad, bad, I know. I did not hear from him for 4 weeks. During that 4 weeks, I called him every day telling him I had made a mistake and I was devoted to him, I loved him and on and on. I was actually very pathetic! He finally called me and asked me to go there. I said I would in 6 weeks. For the next 6 weeks, he would call me on and off. I could not get a hold of him and did not hear from him the few days before I went there. I almost did not go. But I did get on the plane, thinking he'd be at the airport to greet me - no. I got to my hotel and I could not get a hold of him and he did not call me. Finally, I tried his brother's number and spoke to him. He said he would come to see me the next day. (I was staying about an hour's ride from where he lives.) I got extremely angry saying how I had flown all the way there, etc., etc. He kept saying he loved me, he was serious about us, etc., etc. The next day he came and we had a wonderful time. It was exactly the same as it had always been, he was loving and affectionate and told me he loved me many times. The next day he said he had to go home and he would be back. He called me later that night saying that he could not come and that he would come the next day. I have not heard from him since, it has been two weeks. I was in the Dominican for another 2 nights. When I returned home, I left him another message saying that I would understand anything, if he has changed his mind about us, that I ONLY WANT TO KNOW. He has not called. I am unable to move on wondering what happened and he does not answer his phone or call me. Possibilities: his family is somehow involved - he supports them, am I a threat? Substance abuse - he was high when he came to see me, I know he drinks every night. Another girl, but my instinct is no. Or, has he lost interest? Was he on the fence and then when he saw me he decided to end it? What is driving me insane is that he does not tell me it is over. My big question is: is it at all possible there is something else going on here or does this just scream a loss of interest in me? Thanks so much.
VictorM's advice:
Well, the obvious possibility is that he's dead or seriously hurt now, but given all that you told me, I don't believe that's the case. What is most likely is that you're dead to him, hence the no calls.
Debra, when you told a Latin guy that maybe you should see other people, that was the kiss of death! In his mind he saw you with other guys. It was over then. The cold shoulder on the phone, asking you to go there, not meeting at the airport, not staying with you and not coming back, not answering, not leaving messages, etc. these were all premeditated acts of revenge. That includes the one great night. This way, you get to know what you're missing and he gets sex one more time. Then, poof, he's gone without the least bit of concern for you.
Meanwhile, you're still looking for excuses... maybe it's the family, maybe he doesn't have a girl (yarite!), maybe this, maybe that. Come on! Get off your dream world and face reality. He not only lost interest in you, but he despises you. Unplesant as that may be, it's the most likely situation.
And to top it all off, he does drugs and drinks every night. My lord Debra, how low are your standards?
Years from now you're going to be looking back at this and thanking your lucky stars things turned out the way they have.
My boyfriend is from the Dominican Republic. He lives in America playing baseball. I met him this year while he was here. He was incredibly attentive and loving. A few months ago, he went home to the Dominican to live for a few months. The first two weeks, he called me constantly begging me to come there. I was having a hard time with the long distance relationship and one night I left him a message suggesting we see other people. Bad, bad, I know. I did not hear from him for 4 weeks. During that 4 weeks, I called him every day telling him I had made a mistake and I was devoted to him, I loved him and on and on. I was actually very pathetic! He finally called me and asked me to go there. I said I would in 6 weeks. For the next 6 weeks, he would call me on and off. I could not get a hold of him and did not hear from him the few days before I went there. I almost did not go. But I did get on the plane, thinking he'd be at the airport to greet me - no. I got to my hotel and I could not get a hold of him and he did not call me. Finally, I tried his brother's number and spoke to him. He said he would come to see me the next day. (I was staying about an hour's ride from where he lives.) I got extremely angry saying how I had flown all the way there, etc., etc. He kept saying he loved me, he was serious about us, etc., etc. The next day he came and we had a wonderful time. It was exactly the same as it had always been, he was loving and affectionate and told me he loved me many times. The next day he said he had to go home and he would be back. He called me later that night saying that he could not come and that he would come the next day. I have not heard from him since, it has been two weeks. I was in the Dominican for another 2 nights. When I returned home, I left him another message saying that I would understand anything, if he has changed his mind about us, that I ONLY WANT TO KNOW. He has not called. I am unable to move on wondering what happened and he does not answer his phone or call me. Possibilities: his family is somehow involved - he supports them, am I a threat? Substance abuse - he was high when he came to see me, I know he drinks every night. Another girl, but my instinct is no. Or, has he lost interest? Was he on the fence and then when he saw me he decided to end it? What is driving me insane is that he does not tell me it is over. My big question is: is it at all possible there is something else going on here or does this just scream a loss of interest in me? Thanks so much.
VictorM's advice:
Well, the obvious possibility is that he's dead or seriously hurt now, but given all that you told me, I don't believe that's the case. What is most likely is that you're dead to him, hence the no calls.
Debra, when you told a Latin guy that maybe you should see other people, that was the kiss of death! In his mind he saw you with other guys. It was over then. The cold shoulder on the phone, asking you to go there, not meeting at the airport, not staying with you and not coming back, not answering, not leaving messages, etc. these were all premeditated acts of revenge. That includes the one great night. This way, you get to know what you're missing and he gets sex one more time. Then, poof, he's gone without the least bit of concern for you.
Meanwhile, you're still looking for excuses... maybe it's the family, maybe he doesn't have a girl (yarite!), maybe this, maybe that. Come on! Get off your dream world and face reality. He not only lost interest in you, but he despises you. Unplesant as that may be, it's the most likely situation.
And to top it all off, he does drugs and drinks every night. My lord Debra, how low are your standards?
Years from now you're going to be looking back at this and thanking your lucky stars things turned out the way they have.
Labels: caring, long distance relationship, loving, phone call
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Husband has two cell phones
Kiona, 25, from Jonesboro Arkansas asks:
I just found out my husband has two cell phones ( both activated) does that mean he's cheating or talking to someone else?
VictorM's answer:
Did you ask him why he has two phones? Is one a work phone? Did he get a two for the price of one deal like the McDonald's apple pies? Does he work for the mob?
Having no idea what his explanation is for the two phones I don't know what to say. But it seems to me that if he wants to cheat, he can do it with one phone. Heck, he doesn't even need a phone to do that. So what's left here is your level of trust, which leads me to believe there are issues in your marriage that go beyond the multiple electronic gadgets.
I just found out my husband has two cell phones ( both activated) does that mean he's cheating or talking to someone else?
VictorM's answer:
Did you ask him why he has two phones? Is one a work phone? Did he get a two for the price of one deal like the McDonald's apple pies? Does he work for the mob?
Having no idea what his explanation is for the two phones I don't know what to say. But it seems to me that if he wants to cheat, he can do it with one phone. Heck, he doesn't even need a phone to do that. So what's left here is your level of trust, which leads me to believe there are issues in your marriage that go beyond the multiple electronic gadgets.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
No chemistry
Jessica, 24, from Ohio asks:
I met this guy when I was living in Florida, we went out a few times and had a great time. He lived up here in Ohio where I came to visit him for a week back in August. I just recently moved up here and moved in with him. I am madly in love with him, and want him to feel the same. He says that he doesn't feel any chemistry. What do I do? Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
He's being honest, which is refreshing. But Jessica, there are no magic spells to make him feel the chemistry. I don't know that there's anything you can do either. In fact, the more you try, the less it will help. If you bring up how much you love him you're only suffocating him.
Find your own place, find new friends, live your own life, see him less frequently for a while. It's possible he's just being overwhelmed by your constant presence so soon. Maybe he just needs to see less of you for now and gradually spend more time with you, rather than you being there ALL THE TIME!
But under the current conditions you living with him only makes matters worse. Move out!
I met this guy when I was living in Florida, we went out a few times and had a great time. He lived up here in Ohio where I came to visit him for a week back in August. I just recently moved up here and moved in with him. I am madly in love with him, and want him to feel the same. He says that he doesn't feel any chemistry. What do I do? Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
He's being honest, which is refreshing. But Jessica, there are no magic spells to make him feel the chemistry. I don't know that there's anything you can do either. In fact, the more you try, the less it will help. If you bring up how much you love him you're only suffocating him.
Find your own place, find new friends, live your own life, see him less frequently for a while. It's possible he's just being overwhelmed by your constant presence so soon. Maybe he just needs to see less of you for now and gradually spend more time with you, rather than you being there ALL THE TIME!
But under the current conditions you living with him only makes matters worse. Move out!
Labels: chemistry, living together
Monday, December 18, 2006
I recently spent the night with a guy
paige, 25, from ohio asks:
I recently spent the night with a guy who is a friend of a friend. The next morning he asked me if I had a boyfriend. He also made a comment about "when I come over next time". We did not exchange numbers at the time, but a few days later I had my friend give him my number. He has never called. What is the deal? One more thing, we had agreed not to get our friend involved, but I didn't know any other way to get my number to him. Could that have something to do with it?
VictorM's advice:
It could be that he's annoyed that you involved your friend, after all, you had agreed not to. I have to believe there was a reason for that. But then again, why do you think he would call anyway? He might call you when he wants to "come over next time" to "spend the night." He didn't seem interested in talking to you until he gets the itch that you can scratch.
Let's face it, it's doubtful this guy is thinking of you as relationship material. The two of you spent little time together before spending the night. Generally guys aren't looking for that kind of girl to engage in telephone chit-chat and to get serious.
If he calls to come over, make sure one of you have condoms, because he'll be after only one thing. You might as well do it safely.
I recently spent the night with a guy who is a friend of a friend. The next morning he asked me if I had a boyfriend. He also made a comment about "when I come over next time". We did not exchange numbers at the time, but a few days later I had my friend give him my number. He has never called. What is the deal? One more thing, we had agreed not to get our friend involved, but I didn't know any other way to get my number to him. Could that have something to do with it?
VictorM's advice:
It could be that he's annoyed that you involved your friend, after all, you had agreed not to. I have to believe there was a reason for that. But then again, why do you think he would call anyway? He might call you when he wants to "come over next time" to "spend the night." He didn't seem interested in talking to you until he gets the itch that you can scratch.
Let's face it, it's doubtful this guy is thinking of you as relationship material. The two of you spent little time together before spending the night. Generally guys aren't looking for that kind of girl to engage in telephone chit-chat and to get serious.
If he calls to come over, make sure one of you have condoms, because he'll be after only one thing. You might as well do it safely.
Labels: friend of a friend, phone call, spent the night
Sunday, December 17, 2006
How do you ask a guy out
Marissa, 13, from Ohio asks:
How do you ask a guy out when he already knows you like him?
VictorM's advice:
Say to him: I'm going to the [mall, movies, ball game, bowling, ice skating, video arcade... something you know he likes], would you like to come along?
If he wants to be with you he'll say yes; if he's not interested, he turns down the event, not you.
But lower your expectations. More often than not, when a boy KNOWS you like him, he tends to get cocky and play games. In the future, try not to let him know how you feel; make him guess.
How do you ask a guy out when he already knows you like him?
VictorM's advice:
Say to him: I'm going to the [mall, movies, ball game, bowling, ice skating, video arcade... something you know he likes], would you like to come along?
If he wants to be with you he'll say yes; if he's not interested, he turns down the event, not you.
But lower your expectations. More often than not, when a boy KNOWS you like him, he tends to get cocky and play games. In the future, try not to let him know how you feel; make him guess.
Labels: asking a guy out
He was grabbing at his ear
marie, 22, asks:
There is this guy that I work with that I like. He is always nice to me and I thought that maybe he liked me too but now I'm not so sure. He will start a conversation with me, has asked me questions about my financial and social life, and I know it's not just him being polite because he will be the one to keep the conversation going. I notice him looking at me occasionally. We walked past each other the other day and when I looked up he was looking at me so I looked back and then away (not down). What makes me think that he does like me is that sometimes wherever I am at he is at. Actually, I've noticed this a fair bit lately. He is an outgoing guy, so he does talk to a lot of people but me and him have a few things in common. I've noticed that while he was talking to me he was grabbing at his ear and this is supposed to be a sign that he is at least attracted. And sometimes when I'm around I've noticed that he can become louder than usual and he acts like an idiot. Then sometimes he completely avoids me. What do you make of this? Sorry for the length.
VictorM's advice:
Grabbing his ear means he's attracted to you? Um... I never heard that, but maybe you're right... well, assuming he doesn't have gout (that can cause itchy ears.)
OK, because he changes his behavior around you it's quite likely that he likes you, but you are his coworker and that's a good enough reason for a lot of people to keep their feelings to themselves. That could be the case with him. Some days he's more adventurous, some days he doesn't want to risk his job and maybe even yours.
Do you think him acting like an idiot around you is a turn on? Don't answer that.
There is this guy that I work with that I like. He is always nice to me and I thought that maybe he liked me too but now I'm not so sure. He will start a conversation with me, has asked me questions about my financial and social life, and I know it's not just him being polite because he will be the one to keep the conversation going. I notice him looking at me occasionally. We walked past each other the other day and when I looked up he was looking at me so I looked back and then away (not down). What makes me think that he does like me is that sometimes wherever I am at he is at. Actually, I've noticed this a fair bit lately. He is an outgoing guy, so he does talk to a lot of people but me and him have a few things in common. I've noticed that while he was talking to me he was grabbing at his ear and this is supposed to be a sign that he is at least attracted. And sometimes when I'm around I've noticed that he can become louder than usual and he acts like an idiot. Then sometimes he completely avoids me. What do you make of this? Sorry for the length.
VictorM's advice:
Grabbing his ear means he's attracted to you? Um... I never heard that, but maybe you're right... well, assuming he doesn't have gout (that can cause itchy ears.)
OK, because he changes his behavior around you it's quite likely that he likes you, but you are his coworker and that's a good enough reason for a lot of people to keep their feelings to themselves. That could be the case with him. Some days he's more adventurous, some days he doesn't want to risk his job and maybe even yours.
Do you think him acting like an idiot around you is a turn on? Don't answer that.
Labels: coworker, signs, work romance
Saturday, December 16, 2006
I met someone online at a dating site
Eden, 59, from brulington nc asks:
I met someone online at a dating site. He called me 2 months ago and we hit it off immediately. Since the first week he has been saying I love you and we met for a 3 day weekend where he treated me like a princess. He is a sweet and a good man and has emailed me and called me everyday since I left him to come back home and told me he loves and misses me. When I asked him where our relationship was headed after I got home he told me that I was the most beautiful and sexy woman he had ever been with but that we needed to spend more time together to see if we are meant to be life partners. I am spending two weeks with him in January. I don't want to pressure him or drive him off but I am so in love with this guy. What do i do to get him to commit to me?
VictorM's advice:
Stop asking where your relationship is going. Few things irritate a guy more than that. Accept that guys generally move into relationships at a slower clip than females. So, relax, enjoy the company, and STOP RUSHING THINGS.
I met someone online at a dating site. He called me 2 months ago and we hit it off immediately. Since the first week he has been saying I love you and we met for a 3 day weekend where he treated me like a princess. He is a sweet and a good man and has emailed me and called me everyday since I left him to come back home and told me he loves and misses me. When I asked him where our relationship was headed after I got home he told me that I was the most beautiful and sexy woman he had ever been with but that we needed to spend more time together to see if we are meant to be life partners. I am spending two weeks with him in January. I don't want to pressure him or drive him off but I am so in love with this guy. What do i do to get him to commit to me?
VictorM's advice:
Stop asking where your relationship is going. Few things irritate a guy more than that. Accept that guys generally move into relationships at a slower clip than females. So, relax, enjoy the company, and STOP RUSHING THINGS.
Labels: commitment, online dating, relationship, romance
He kept sending me text messages
Jennifer, 32, from texas asks:
I met a guy that's divorced and had a bad relationship after the divorce. We started to date each other and when things started to take off, he backed up. He didn't disappear, he kept sending me text messages. We've talked and he says he wasn't ready for the relationship and it had nothing to do with me. We now hang out on occasion and it's not just about friends with benefits but we do things together. He adjusts his schedule to make time to see me, but not often. Trying to figure out if it really is about avoiding the commitment?
VictorM's advice:
It's about getting the most from you and giving back as little as possible. And he's succeeding. Whether you like it or not, you are just a friend with benefits. Don't believe me? Stop the benefits and see what happens.
Any sensible guy will avoid commitment with a girl if he doesn't think she's "it". But hey, he won't turn down benefits.
I met a guy that's divorced and had a bad relationship after the divorce. We started to date each other and when things started to take off, he backed up. He didn't disappear, he kept sending me text messages. We've talked and he says he wasn't ready for the relationship and it had nothing to do with me. We now hang out on occasion and it's not just about friends with benefits but we do things together. He adjusts his schedule to make time to see me, but not often. Trying to figure out if it really is about avoiding the commitment?
VictorM's advice:
It's about getting the most from you and giving back as little as possible. And he's succeeding. Whether you like it or not, you are just a friend with benefits. Don't believe me? Stop the benefits and see what happens.
Any sensible guy will avoid commitment with a girl if he doesn't think she's "it". But hey, he won't turn down benefits.
Labels: commitment, friends with benefits, relationship
Friday, December 15, 2006
How do you stop loving someone
lisarenee, 35, from los angeles asks:
How do you stop loving someone you love deeply but feel is really not into you ? I guess I am seeking an emotional painkiller of the natural kind. My emotions are taking too much out of me over this guy and I just want the pain to stop quickly and smoothly. Can one attain such a state of being quickly ? Please give this your best guy effort, you've been so helpful in the past! Thank you :(
VictorM's advice:
No, it doesn't happen quickly, but take consolation from knowing that good and decent people hurt the most; if you weren't the caring kind you wouldn't hurt.
I suggest you do three things.
One, change. Change your hairstyle, your clothes, the places you go to, the friends you have (if they were his friends too), remove all reminders of him (pictures, rings, ticket stubs, gifts he gave you, etc.), find new hobbies, listen to new music. In short, change!
Two, make a list of his most wonderful qualities, that which you most admired about him. Rank them. Assign numbers in order of most admired. The one at the top of the list, work on yourself to be more like that. For example, if you liked most that he was outgoing, do whatever it takes to be more outgoing (chances are you are not). You don't have to become like him, just enough of a change to make that attribute a less significant attraction. See a therapist if you have to. By changing yourself you change who you're attracted to.
Three, don't think there's anything wrong with you for feeling sad, hurt, depressed. You're entitled to those feelings. If you need to cry, cry! If you feel sad and want to have moments alone, do it. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Just don't become a prisoner of your feelings. Fight to reduce the number of times they overcome you. But those feelings are what makes you human. Accept your tough luck but also focus your energy on changing your luck.
How do you stop loving someone you love deeply but feel is really not into you ? I guess I am seeking an emotional painkiller of the natural kind. My emotions are taking too much out of me over this guy and I just want the pain to stop quickly and smoothly. Can one attain such a state of being quickly ? Please give this your best guy effort, you've been so helpful in the past! Thank you :(
VictorM's advice:
No, it doesn't happen quickly, but take consolation from knowing that good and decent people hurt the most; if you weren't the caring kind you wouldn't hurt.
I suggest you do three things.
One, change. Change your hairstyle, your clothes, the places you go to, the friends you have (if they were his friends too), remove all reminders of him (pictures, rings, ticket stubs, gifts he gave you, etc.), find new hobbies, listen to new music. In short, change!
Two, make a list of his most wonderful qualities, that which you most admired about him. Rank them. Assign numbers in order of most admired. The one at the top of the list, work on yourself to be more like that. For example, if you liked most that he was outgoing, do whatever it takes to be more outgoing (chances are you are not). You don't have to become like him, just enough of a change to make that attribute a less significant attraction. See a therapist if you have to. By changing yourself you change who you're attracted to.
Three, don't think there's anything wrong with you for feeling sad, hurt, depressed. You're entitled to those feelings. If you need to cry, cry! If you feel sad and want to have moments alone, do it. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Just don't become a prisoner of your feelings. Fight to reduce the number of times they overcome you. But those feelings are what makes you human. Accept your tough luck but also focus your energy on changing your luck.
Labels: emotions, missing, pain
Boyfriend turns his cellphone off
Denise, 49, asks:
My boyfriend turns his cellphone off whenever he's with me. Prior to us dating he was in a previous relationship and he was living with his ex-girlfriend, he was doing the same thing. What advice can you give me.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like a very nice thing for him to do. It seems he doesn't want to be bothered when he's with you.
If you're suspicious of that, you have a problem relationship already.
My boyfriend turns his cellphone off whenever he's with me. Prior to us dating he was in a previous relationship and he was living with his ex-girlfriend, he was doing the same thing. What advice can you give me.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like a very nice thing for him to do. It seems he doesn't want to be bothered when he's with you.
If you're suspicious of that, you have a problem relationship already.
Labels: boyfriend, phone call
I went out with my ex after 10 years
Kelsey, 30, from Minneapolis asks:
I went out with my ex after 10 years. We had a nice time. He spent the night and we never even kissed. I called him after a few text messages, and he told me he was shy, but really wanted to get it on that night. He then asked me to go out again and we picked this Friday, but not a place. (he said that way we would have to stay in touch.) That was 2 weeks ago and I still haven't heard from him. Since I started contact every time, I decided to wait for him to call me. Is he really interested?
VictorM's advice:
No. After 10 years he tried you out again for size, but you're still not the right fit. Asking you to go out again is what guys say at the end of a date, whether they mean it or not. There's a reason you two are exes; he must have realized what that reason was.
I went out with my ex after 10 years. We had a nice time. He spent the night and we never even kissed. I called him after a few text messages, and he told me he was shy, but really wanted to get it on that night. He then asked me to go out again and we picked this Friday, but not a place. (he said that way we would have to stay in touch.) That was 2 weeks ago and I still haven't heard from him. Since I started contact every time, I decided to wait for him to call me. Is he really interested?
VictorM's advice:
No. After 10 years he tried you out again for size, but you're still not the right fit. Asking you to go out again is what guys say at the end of a date, whether they mean it or not. There's a reason you two are exes; he must have realized what that reason was.
Labels: ex-boyfriend
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Dating a guy from Senegal
Sweetness, 27, from South Africa asks:
I'm dating a guy from Senegal, he seems to be too busy for me. He hardly has time for me and I sometimes feel as though our relationship is all about sex. Should I leave the guy or give him some space?
VictorM's advice:
Cut out the sex and see how it goes. If he still makes time for you, fine, otherwise, give him the boot.
But in general, be weary of someone who is all work. One can be aggressive and hard working and still balance life and work. If this guys can't do that, you are better off taking a chance with someone new.
I'm dating a guy from Senegal, he seems to be too busy for me. He hardly has time for me and I sometimes feel as though our relationship is all about sex. Should I leave the guy or give him some space?
VictorM's advice:
Cut out the sex and see how it goes. If he still makes time for you, fine, otherwise, give him the boot.
But in general, be weary of someone who is all work. One can be aggressive and hard working and still balance life and work. If this guys can't do that, you are better off taking a chance with someone new.
Labels: relationship, sex, workaholic
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I noticed he stares at me
Caz, 22, from Tyne and Wear asks:
I like this guy at work, we have previously been in training when we first started at our work in October. It was only for a week but our group got on really well and we are all friends now. The same group started training for a new department last week and I noticed I liked him more than a friend. It wasn't until then that I noticed he stares at me, I smile back etc. and thought it was often enough to think he might like me too! My gay guy friend (who's in the training group) has noticed the stares as well, thinks he may like me also but when he quietly suggested today to him we make a lovely couple he reacted a bit shocked at the suggestion and didn't really say much so now I'm left wondering how he feels. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you should do is tell your gay friend to mind his ownbutt business. You're no longer in middle school!
The guy may like you, but since you're in a work environment, it doesn't surprise me he was taken aback by your friend's comment and may not be ready to make a move on you and risk his job.
Staring at you doesn't mean he likes you, it just means he likes staring at you. So unless there's more than stares, you have no way of knowing how he feels.
Try to keep things cool at work -- it really isn't the best place to start romances, especially when you're trainees. If you have opportunities to spend time with him away from work, do that. If he's interested in you he will look for those opportunities too, if he's not interested, he will offer excuses.
Of course, don't discount he may be more interested in your gay friend.
I like this guy at work, we have previously been in training when we first started at our work in October. It was only for a week but our group got on really well and we are all friends now. The same group started training for a new department last week and I noticed I liked him more than a friend. It wasn't until then that I noticed he stares at me, I smile back etc. and thought it was often enough to think he might like me too! My gay guy friend (who's in the training group) has noticed the stares as well, thinks he may like me also but when he quietly suggested today to him we make a lovely couple he reacted a bit shocked at the suggestion and didn't really say much so now I'm left wondering how he feels. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
The first thing you should do is tell your gay friend to mind his own
The guy may like you, but since you're in a work environment, it doesn't surprise me he was taken aback by your friend's comment and may not be ready to make a move on you and risk his job.
Staring at you doesn't mean he likes you, it just means he likes staring at you. So unless there's more than stares, you have no way of knowing how he feels.
Try to keep things cool at work -- it really isn't the best place to start romances, especially when you're trainees. If you have opportunities to spend time with him away from work, do that. If he's interested in you he will look for those opportunities too, if he's not interested, he will offer excuses.
Of course, don't discount he may be more interested in your gay friend.
Good sign that your pregnant
Anna, 20, from montana asks:
What is one good sign that your pregnant?
VictorM's advice:
Forget signs. Get a good test and stop the guessing. Morning sickness, cravings, etc. none of these are the kind of indications you can rely on. Be smart -- get tested!
What is one good sign that your pregnant?
VictorM's advice:
Forget signs. Get a good test and stop the guessing. Morning sickness, cravings, etc. none of these are the kind of indications you can rely on. Be smart -- get tested!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I like this guy at work. He has a girlfriend
Alicia, 25, from Rhode Island asks:
I like this guy at work. He has a girlfriend and he knows that I like him. I was upfront with him about my feelings. We ended up fooling around once and after that he said he loves his girlfriend and he only did that for me. We didn't talk much after that until recently. He is always flirting with me and touching me. If I don't see him at work for a few days, he will say he has missed me. The other day he asked me when I was going to invite him over and I said never you have a girlfriend and made it clear to me we are just friends. He said to me that he wished he never said that. I just don't get it. I don't know if he's playing with my head. In my mind I want him to like me because he has my heart. I really enjoy his company I just don't know what he wants from me. I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
You're counting on him being so into you that he dumps this girlfriend he supposedly loves to be with you. And you'll live happily ever after... until he cheats on you, that is. What else do you expect from a guy who cheats on his girlfriend and flirts with another girl?
If you get him, you lose! You'll be on your way to being an unhappy woman with some cheating man.
What he wants from you is simple: his ego inflated (not to mention other parts of his body). He toys with you because he can, yet another sign of a man you should avoid.
I like this guy at work. He has a girlfriend and he knows that I like him. I was upfront with him about my feelings. We ended up fooling around once and after that he said he loves his girlfriend and he only did that for me. We didn't talk much after that until recently. He is always flirting with me and touching me. If I don't see him at work for a few days, he will say he has missed me. The other day he asked me when I was going to invite him over and I said never you have a girlfriend and made it clear to me we are just friends. He said to me that he wished he never said that. I just don't get it. I don't know if he's playing with my head. In my mind I want him to like me because he has my heart. I really enjoy his company I just don't know what he wants from me. I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
You're counting on him being so into you that he dumps this girlfriend he supposedly loves to be with you. And you'll live happily ever after... until he cheats on you, that is. What else do you expect from a guy who cheats on his girlfriend and flirts with another girl?
If you get him, you lose! You'll be on your way to being an unhappy woman with some cheating man.
What he wants from you is simple: his ego inflated (not to mention other parts of his body). He toys with you because he can, yet another sign of a man you should avoid.
Labels: cheat, cheater, coworker, flirt
Monday, December 11, 2006
He finished last week by text
DAWN, 32, from WALES, asks:
He finished last week by text. He then tried to call on the same day. I haven't answered either, nor has he tried to call again. I have a load of his stuff here which he hasn't asked for. What should I do with them? Many Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Take the high road and pack all his stuff into a box (or boxes) and drop it someplace where he can pick it up, such as a friend's house. Then text him and let him know his stuff his there.
Resist the temptation of putting it all for sale on eBay.
He finished last week by text. He then tried to call on the same day. I haven't answered either, nor has he tried to call again. I have a load of his stuff here which he hasn't asked for. What should I do with them? Many Thanks
VictorM's advice:
Take the high road and pack all his stuff into a box (or boxes) and drop it someplace where he can pick it up, such as a friend's house. Then text him and let him know his stuff his there.
Resist the temptation of putting it all for sale on eBay.
Shall I call him?
Lisa, 58, from New York City asks:
I went out with this guy, thought we had a nice time. He said he'd like to meet me after work for dinner. That was three weeks ago. He didn't get me in the heart and I not him but I can tell it was fun for both of us. Shall I call him? Sometimes when I've done this after someone hasn't called, that person goes out with me again and then will become smitten with me but would not have happened I don't believe if I called him. Either way, no heartbreak, but he is a normal, nice guy that's so very funny. What do you think?As a guy.
VictorM's advice:
The reason sometimes guys don't call back is because they fear that with women, no matter what they say, there is no such thing as "just friends". So, if a guy didn't feel the sparks on a first date, he's afraid the woman will get the wrong impression if he calls again just for some dinner. The guy assumption is that you're going to think he's into you, when he's not, and he doesn't want to be perceived as "sending the wrong signals" or "playing games", things that guys get accused of far too often. But you are right, as your experiences tell you, that the second or third time around the guy is more likely to warm up to you.
Call him today! The odds are very good that he'll go out with you again
I went out with this guy, thought we had a nice time. He said he'd like to meet me after work for dinner. That was three weeks ago. He didn't get me in the heart and I not him but I can tell it was fun for both of us. Shall I call him? Sometimes when I've done this after someone hasn't called, that person goes out with me again and then will become smitten with me but would not have happened I don't believe if I called him. Either way, no heartbreak, but he is a normal, nice guy that's so very funny. What do you think?As a guy.
VictorM's advice:
The reason sometimes guys don't call back is because they fear that with women, no matter what they say, there is no such thing as "just friends". So, if a guy didn't feel the sparks on a first date, he's afraid the woman will get the wrong impression if he calls again just for some dinner. The guy assumption is that you're going to think he's into you, when he's not, and he doesn't want to be perceived as "sending the wrong signals" or "playing games", things that guys get accused of far too often. But you are right, as your experiences tell you, that the second or third time around the guy is more likely to warm up to you.
Call him today! The odds are very good that he'll go out with you again
Labels: calling guys, playing games, wrong signals
Sunday, December 10, 2006
I have feelings for a guy friend
Melissa, 24, from South Carolina asks:
I have feelings for a guy friend, should I tell him? Do most guys welcome an admission of feelings from just friends?
VictorM's advice:
You shouldn't tell him directly, but you should act in a way to let him know. Stop being his buddy and act more like you would with a guy you want to seduce. That is, dress sexily around him, make sure he sees you at your best, if that means make-up and perfume, do it. Plan activities alone with him. Sit a little closer than you have in the past. Stand closer to him when you talk.
The reason you shouldn't tell him about your feelings directly is that you run the risk of him taking your confession for granted. Guys like the chase, so give him reasons to chase you. Without a chase, many guys will either lose interest or play games with your feelings.
Ultimately, if he doesn't budge, you might consider being direct. That is far better than never really knowing. But I would wait to do that.
And yes, most guys would welcome such feelings. It's great for the ego to be liked.
I have feelings for a guy friend, should I tell him? Do most guys welcome an admission of feelings from just friends?
VictorM's advice:
You shouldn't tell him directly, but you should act in a way to let him know. Stop being his buddy and act more like you would with a guy you want to seduce. That is, dress sexily around him, make sure he sees you at your best, if that means make-up and perfume, do it. Plan activities alone with him. Sit a little closer than you have in the past. Stand closer to him when you talk.
The reason you shouldn't tell him about your feelings directly is that you run the risk of him taking your confession for granted. Guys like the chase, so give him reasons to chase you. Without a chase, many guys will either lose interest or play games with your feelings.
Ultimately, if he doesn't budge, you might consider being direct. That is far better than never really knowing. But I would wait to do that.
And yes, most guys would welcome such feelings. It's great for the ego to be liked.
Labels: guy friend, just friend
Apology
Nicole, 22, from Utah asks:
Hi, my ex has been gone for a little over 2 years now and I have been trying to find him. He doesn't keep in contact with his family hardly at all anymore and I guess he got into drugs real bad after he left. Does the drugs thing mean that he was really hurt and he is trying to deal with it? Also, I was wondering, how do I know if he even wants to be found by me? It is driving me nuts and I have to apologize to him. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
Leave your ex-boyfriend alone. Your quest to find him and apologise is fueled by selfishness. Your aim is to free yourself from guilt, not based on concern for him, even if you think it is.
He got into drugs because of his lack of willpower and/or self-destructive personality. To believe his downfall is because of you is either excessive guilt or narcissism.
You two broke-up. He went his way. What he does or doesn't do is none of your fault and none of your concern now. Keep it that way.
Hi, my ex has been gone for a little over 2 years now and I have been trying to find him. He doesn't keep in contact with his family hardly at all anymore and I guess he got into drugs real bad after he left. Does the drugs thing mean that he was really hurt and he is trying to deal with it? Also, I was wondering, how do I know if he even wants to be found by me? It is driving me nuts and I have to apologize to him. Please help me.
VictorM's advice:
Leave your ex-boyfriend alone. Your quest to find him and apologise is fueled by selfishness. Your aim is to free yourself from guilt, not based on concern for him, even if you think it is.
He got into drugs because of his lack of willpower and/or self-destructive personality. To believe his downfall is because of you is either excessive guilt or narcissism.
You two broke-up. He went his way. What he does or doesn't do is none of your fault and none of your concern now. Keep it that way.
Labels: apology, drugs, ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, guilt
Saturday, December 09, 2006
He disappeared for a week
Zoe, 21, from Maryland asks:
We've been dating for almost 2 months. He disappeared for a week because he says he's depressed. Here's the story: I met this guy online, and we really hit it off. Unfortunately we live kinda far, about 3 hours from each other. We talked for a good two weeks before we met. We met, had a great weekend, and we did have sex. Afterwards when he left, things were great too. Phone calls kept coming in like normal and everything. He did tell me he is prone to bouts of clinical depression. Even at one point where he got really busy, he did call me to let me know that even though he's been running around, he's still thinking of me and NOT trying to ignore me. And I appreciated that. Communication kept going strong.
I went to visit him a month later. First night everything was cool! I met and hung out with the parents and all his friends and he was happy to see me. Things were great and dandy but later in the weekend... he seemed different. Energy was gone, and at one point he even got the flu. We did not have sex that weekend, although I wanted to, after his energy drain he didn't seem to be into it. Both people have to enjoy it. We talk briefly about what's happening and he says that he still likes me.
Come Monday I leave, I get home and call to say I'm alright. I don't hear from him for a few days, and Wednesday I catch him online for 5 minutes and he's saying he's hit rock bottom. So I still don't hear from him for a while and send him an email Saturday. We talk Monday morning and Tuesday night (via the phone) to discuss this problem. In short he said, " I really like you, not just physically, but also has a human being. If this is too much for you to handle I understand." He's doing everything he can such as medication and therapy. Things at home really blow for him. I also offered to give him space.
Here are some things that ALSO kinda worry me:
a) he never changed his relationship status across his accounts.
b) I don't care about anything else but on the dating site he's even updated the profile, and added new photos.
What gives? We even talked about this once before and he said he'd change it. I don't think I should have to remind him (again) to do so, but at the same time maybe I need to chill out a bit. It's only been 2 months.
My plan is to take a
We've been dating for almost 2 months. He disappeared for a week because he says he's depressed. Here's the story: I met this guy online, and we really hit it off. Unfortunately we live kinda far, about 3 hours from each other. We talked for a good two weeks before we met. We met, had a great weekend, and we did have sex. Afterwards when he left, things were great too. Phone calls kept coming in like normal and everything. He did tell me he is prone to bouts of clinical depression. Even at one point where he got really busy, he did call me to let me know that even though he's been running around, he's still thinking of me and NOT trying to ignore me. And I appreciated that. Communication kept going strong.
I went to visit him a month later. First night everything was cool! I met and hung out with the parents and all his friends and he was happy to see me. Things were great and dandy but later in the weekend... he seemed different. Energy was gone, and at one point he even got the flu. We did not have sex that weekend, although I wanted to, after his energy drain he didn't seem to be into it. Both people have to enjoy it. We talk briefly about what's happening and he says that he still likes me.
Come Monday I leave, I get home and call to say I'm alright. I don't hear from him for a few days, and Wednesday I catch him online for 5 minutes and he's saying he's hit rock bottom. So I still don't hear from him for a while and send him an email Saturday. We talk Monday morning and Tuesday night (via the phone) to discuss this problem. In short he said, " I really like you, not just physically, but also has a human being. If this is too much for you to handle I understand." He's doing everything he can such as medication and therapy. Things at home really blow for him. I also offered to give him space.
Here are some things that ALSO kinda worry me:
a) he never changed his relationship status across his accounts.
b) I don't care about anything else but on the dating site he's even updated the profile, and added new photos.
What gives? We even talked about this once before and he said he'd change it. I don't think I should have to remind him (again) to do so, but at the same time maybe I need to chill out a bit. It's only been 2 months.
My plan is to take a