laura, 16, from starbuck asks:

I like this guy and he knows and he is always staring and smiling at me. He tells all his friends that I like him. How do I know if he likes me too without asking him. I am too shy.

VictorM's advice:

Since he knows you like him, he can afford to be all cocky and stuff around you. But what difference does it make if you knew that he liked you? I mean, let's assume I have the ability to read everyone's mind and I told you with all certainty that he's crazy about you. What next? What would you do?

Whatever it is that you would do, do it anyway!


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Brittney, 15, from usa asks:

A little over a year ago I went out with this guy Mike for about 5 1/2 months. I ended it when I found out that he cheated on me. But I'm still deeply in love with him and I don't know what to do. Should I stay friends with him? How do I get over him?

VictorM's advice:

You should not stay friends with him. I'm not saying you should be his enemy or be rude to him, but stay away. Staying friends will only make getting over him more difficult and painful. It will not be easy for you to see him with another girlfriend, and if he wants to, he can make your life very miserable.

To get over him you have to give yourself more time. Make new friends, go to new places, find new hobbies, and above all, avoid being around him. Focus on things that make you happy. If you like to paint, paint. If you like to read, read. Keep your mind occupied with fun things. Meanwhile, don't be shy about dating other guys even if they are nowhere near your ideal. Actually, going out with guys you aren't too crazy about isn't bad because this way there is no pressure, and who knows, some of them might make you laugh and experience things you wouldn't otherwise. Eventually, you'll run into another guy that will make your heart skip a beat. And then you'll go... Mike who?

By the way, feel very proud about breaking up with him even if it wasn't easy. That shows courage and determination and I'm sure with those qualities you will continue to do what's best for you.

Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Brittany, 16, from NC asks:

OK, Here's my problem: I like this guy that I work with a lot. A LOT A LOT!!! We are really compatible and call each other all the time and have like 2 hour long conversations. He's 19 and I'm 16 and we hang out on our days off. Here's the big problem.... he has a girlfriend.... or at least he says he does. Everybody at work doesn't believe him. He hasn't told anyone her name. NOT EVEN HIS MOTHER!!! Kinda fishy huh? So what does it mean? Does he not like me? I'm kinda worried!

VictorM's answer:

If he spends that much time with you, I don't believe he has a girlfriend. Guys usually like to brag. So, why could he be saying he has a girlfriendt? The one good reason I can think of is to slow you down. Maybe he wants to take it slow and just enjoy your company without the hassles of it being a relationship. But, someone who carries such a lie is a risk. Either way, this is not a good sign. If he's telling the truth about having a girlfriend, why is he spending so much time with you? If he's lying, well... lies are not exactly the quality you want in a guy.

Right now you're giving him what he wants at the expense of what you want. So call his bluff -- stop hanging out with him. Tell him you feel uncomfortable spending so much time with someone else's boyfriend. He'll have to either accept your decision (in which case, he's either telling the truth and/or doesn't have a romantic interest on you), or he'll tell you he's been lying.

Either way ot goes, you'll get more resolved this way than just tagging along now.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Hannah, 16, from Kansas asks:

Oh so this guy and I went on a date, and it wasn't bad, there was definatally chemistry. So he sent me text messages and I sent him some we had great conversations. BUT we never really talked in person. I didn't know (but found out later) that my friend talked to his best friend and she said that he is definitely interested in me but he is just shy. So I began a few convo's (text messaging) On Wednesday I began one and later on he said we should hang out on Friday and go see a movie, he said he'd call me. Well Friday rolled around and, no call. So around 6pm I texted and asked if we were still doing something the conversation went as follows: me: hey do you still wanna do something tonight. him: well I haven't really heard of anything going on tonight. me:ok so...are we not doing anything? him: well I don't know I'll call some people and then I'll call you. me: ok cool. About 45 minutes passed. me: if it would be easier we could just go see a movie or something. him: sorry but I don't get paid till Monday. me: oh well if that's the problem I'll pay or we could just do something some other time. him: ok we'll hang out some other time. so...what's the deal? Is he still interested? Please tell me, truthfully, I'm desperate I don't know whether I should make the next move or wait for him

Victor's advice:

As I was reading your submission I was convinced that he just wasn't interested in you, but once he said he just didn't have the money, I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. I can totally understand how he could be embarrassed that he didn't have the money. That's a much bigger issue for most guys than you can imagine. And you offering to pay wouldn't help either.

I say try it one more time and invite him to something that's totally free. But if gives you the run-around again, then you have to take the hint that he simply isn't interested in you and doesn't have the courage to tell you.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

emma, from new york asks:

There is a guy I work with who instant messages me every day at work and calls me on his way home everyday. He is in the next state and we work for the same company. We talk about work as well as our personal lives. Does he like me as only a friend or is he interested in me on another level?

VictorM's answer:

Are you kidding? I can't imagine a guy doing all that just to be friends. The dude is aiming for some hanky-panky.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Anonymous asks:

I fell in love with my best friend but he doesn't like me, he likes another girl who doesn't like him. How can I get him to notice me?

VictorM's advice:

First, stay his friend. Second, stop acting like his friend. "Huh?" you say? Let me explain.

Continue to see him and spend time with him, but stop acting like just a friend. That is, do what you would otherwise do to be noticed by any guy you like, such as dressing more girly/sexy, wearing make-up, wearing perfume, standing a little closer to him. Make him realize that in addition to being a friend, you are very much a member of the opposite sex too.

Don't confess your feelings for him, but do enough to make him feel a little uncomfortable around you... in a good way, if you get my drift.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

shyanne, 16, asks:

I was just wondering if a guy talks to a girl all of the time about her interests, offers to take her out, keeps looking into her eyes when she has been checking him out first, laughs at her jokes, makes excuses to talk to her and remembers things she's told him about, what does this mean?

VictorM's advice:

It means he wants her to have his babies!

This boy is madly in love with you her.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

vero, 24, from quebec asks:

First of all I met this guy 3 months ago and he is the guy that when I see him I get butterflies in my tummy and freeze over. Well, we slept together too fast. I think like on the second or third time we saw each other. It was incredible. Anyhow he keeps calling me during the weekend to see me but never asks me to go out but he asks me to move in with me and tells me that he is interested in me and said that we get along great and we will see where it goes. I know I think pretty bad that he has something for me but too egotistic or afraid but he lets me know that he thinks often of me and since the first time he still got the shivers but we play this kind of game that we don't tell each other what's really going on. So I was wondering what should I do about it. I have 2 kids and he is 31 and lets me know that he doesn't want to get into a relationship cause of all the hassles it brings. Why doesn't he ask me out? He tells me that he is not seeing anyone and not sleeping with anyone.

VictorM's advice:

Some guys will do the minimum to get sex, and once they do, they do the minimum to keep it going. As long as you give him what he wants, he'll keep doing it. That includes possible lies such as wanting to live with you and having no other girls.

He doesn't ask you out because he has no interest in you as a girl to have a relationship with. But you can't complain too much, after all, he's let you know he's not interested in a relationship. You can't quibble with his sincerity in this one regard, even if he seems to be laying about other things.

If you're not happy with the arrangements, change them. But continuing the current routine and expecting different results is insane. Maybe it's time to ask him out and see what happens. Or better yet, find butterflies with someone else.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Mary, 33, from usa, asks:

Hi, I met a guy before. We both had interest in each other, but no commitment yet. I found out that he had other girls whom he was interested at the same time. We did have sex, but things didn't work out fine after. I miss him now. Should I contact him and start over again for a pure friendship and forget everything in the past?

VictorM's advice:

What have you got to lose? Nothing. The worst that happens is you find out he's not interested, so you're no worst off than you are now. So yes, call him. You will always wonder what he might have said if you had called him, so go ahead, call him and remove that doubt from your life. Maybe he's missing you too. Just don't get your hopes too high.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Caitlyn, 11, from P.S.L , FL asks:

Here is my question. I have liked this guy since the first day of school. He is funny cute and we have so so much in common! Everyone calls him my boyfriend and he doesn't really say anything! Also, we make each other laugh and I really really wanna go out with him!! These are my questinos: how do I ask him out and do you think he likes me a little more than a friend?THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

VictorM's advice:

I don't know Caitlyn, boys around your age aren't quite as mature as girls so it's possible he's just not ready for the "going out" bit. Maybe it's fun to talk about it, but I'm not sure he's ready for it.

My advice is for you to continue to be his friend and make each other laugh. Things have a habit of happening when the time is right. He'll let you know if he likes you and is ready to go out. Somethings are not worth rushing. I'm sure your parents would agree.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

lynne, 37, from san francisco asks:

Are long distance relationships worth it?

VictorM's answer:

Another episode of simple answers:

No!

(Look here for my reasons)

Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Nikki, 30, from Minneapolis, MN asks:

Should I be concerned? Should I ask him if he is done looking online before going into a relationship with him? I met this guy online and we've been going out for 4 weeks. I know it's too soon in the dating process to ask him questions. Actually, I kind of ask him questions like "Do you just want to be friend or do you want a more intimate relationship with me? He replied back saying that he's interesting in me more than just a friend, and he's dating one person at a time only, he has other female friend, potential friends online. The fact that he's online every night chatting really bothers me. To me, cheating online is just as bad as cheating with someone in person. I think he still keeps his option open. He did not say he want us to date exclusively and I'm sure he has no intention of taking his profile offline anytime soon and maybe never. What do you think?

VictorM's advice:

I assume that when you say you have been going out for 4 weeks, that means dating in person.

He signed to the onlinda dating service for a certain amount of time and sounds like he's going to use his subscription to meet as many women as possible. I can understand using online dating services to meet someone and date her a couple of times while still dating others as part of the service. Love at first sight is mostly a fantasy. He's not closing all doors available to him and that's smart.

How long you should put up with it, is up to you. I think 4 weeks, however, is more than enough time. Stop seeing him and tell him to call you when he's done searching. Otherwise, you're wasting your time if you want a serious relationship.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

loz, 17, from florida asks:

hey, i wanted your thoughts on this situation. i started talking to this guy online coz i thought he was cool, he didnt wana give out his email at first and then he asked me for mine when he couldnt resit. we hit it off straight away, he asked if i was single and i was, asuming he was too i sed and you? but he replied no. i was shocked, y flirt? so he asked me for my advice how to dump her as she was related to the family and it was just complicated, so i gave him my advice and within days he dumped her, this wasnt just because of me, he wasn't interested in her as he lost attraction for her. he's been having exams recently so hasn't been able to talk with me, but wheneva he does i am so happy, i'd take all those sweet things he tells me, i'd get upset when he doesn't reply online to me so i would tell my friends and they would make me forget him and block him but then i would unblock him after a few days thinking he may block me and it would be over, so we’d start talking once again and i would get to back where I was again. the thing which gets to me is that although he says he has exams and can't sign my online blogs with comments, i look at his 'girl - friends' blogs and he's gone and signed theirs with the kind of same comments he put on mine ages ago. the fact i saw this i felt he was being like this 'flirty' with all girls, the fact he is 1 year younger doesnt make it easier making me think he may want me as i am older and it maybe a fantasy. I don’t know if he’s a player but he does live like on a island halfway across the world, and I can’t meet him until next year, it seems unreal to even think of a relationship but I can’t stop it, my other friends from that country tells me boys are players but some are not, and seeing those messages made me tell my friends about it and they told me to ask him if he is like this with all girls like saying sweet stuff, I am not even with him and I felt a bit awkward, he got a bit shocked and surprised that I thought such a thing and was upset at the fact he thought I didn’t trust him. He waits online for me up to 3 hours, and I didn’t even come on so he rang me and I missed the calls so he was a lil upset, he said he would not wait again but as a joke because we know he would, I mean we have one year to wait till we meet, but he really wants to meet which I don’t mind I told him to find someone, or go to a party and get ‘lucky’ but he said he is already lucky to whom he is very attracted to but then he says stuff like only time will tell what will happen (as we are just friends at the moment). He rings me and I ring him and he said the other day he would wait and when I go we are going to meet, go to his house etc he even said I mayb invited to his b-day party. Even if I went out with him people from that country are narrow minded and will judge us for going out, I don’t think one year makes a difference, but I think its because I am girl going out with someone younger, and they’ll just judge me and pass comments, and I don’t like that, but it will not stop me from saying yes if he asked me out, and he doesn’t mind having an older gf as I asked, and even my friends says he looks my age and I told him and he was like “oh I bet u asked your friends that on purpose so that they would say that about us as I’m younger, just admit it ;):p”. There’s lots more too but its just too long. If you need more info just ask. What do you think? And also does he like me? Thank you

VictorM's advice:

I didn't edited your submission on purpose. I felt it was a good idea to let everyone read exactly what you wrote.

A few observations:

You are terribly immature for your age.

At least online, all boys are players. That explains all the comments in the other blogs and all the bullshit about waiting for you and inviting you to his birthday party. It's all nonsense.

Does he like you? I don't know. Guys will chat with girls they like and with girls they can feel cool with. They'll even chat with girls they don't like just to practice.

I think you should turn off your computer, go to the mall, and find a real boyfriend there.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Confused :(, 18, from Canada asks:

My boyfriend and I have been together since I was 14 (he 16). He is now 20 and I am not 18. We're still in a very deep romantic and involved relationship, we grew up together, we are both Catholics and have a strong relationship without giving into lust. We have been through a lot in our four years almost five together. He grew up in a very poor home, I grew up in a upper middle class home. He has moved out and been trying to make it on his own. His younger brother my age tried to commit suicide because he didn't want to live at home anymore. His mom is mentally unstable. His dad works 14 hour days. He himself is working really hard to support himself through college. I know he has a lot going on. But I feel like sometimes he puts me into the back-burner. He ignores me at times, sometimes gets angry at me for trivial reasons, I suspect that he's taking out his frustrations on me. I hate the fact that it affects our love. We have been trying really hard to spend quality time together. But every two or three days after he visits his brother in the hospital or if he's really stressed out he will be a different person towards me. What worries me is, is this how it will always be when he is stressed out? Is this how he will treat me when things are not going smoothly? Thanks in advance.

VictorM's advice:

Most likely he will continue to be that way unless something is done about it. With his background it's understandable that he is thrown off-balance sometimes. It would be great if he saw you as a source of support, not a punching bag for his problems.

This is a case for a professional therapist to help, but unfortunately it sounds like he can't afford it. It's too bad. He really needs the help.

Absent professional help, you can try to help by first realizing that although he takes it out on you, it has is no reflection of his feelings for you; he's just handling the stress in an improper way. It's nothing personal.

You need to talk to him when he's calm and let him know how you feel about it. Just talk about your feelings; do not blame him for anything, do not put him on the defensive. Practice the conversation to yourself using "I" and not "you". Tell him things like, "I want to help...", "I feel hurt when...", "I think it's important to tell you that...", and don't be afraid to tell him that unless he makes an effort to see you as support, you fear your relationship may be in jeopardy. Face it, if he doesn't change his behavior, it will be.

Don't expect for him to get it right away. He'll have some relapses, but you should see some improvement. Next time he dumps on you, ask him to please think of what you talked about, and if he doesn't stop, walk away from him! You have to break the pattern of being the dumping ground for his problems. How often you will be willing to do this and still stay with him is up to you, but you better prepare yourself to put some limit to it.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

laura taylor, 15, from midland, michigan asks:

There's this boy I'm totally head over heels for and he says he loves me but I'm not sure. We have fought like normal relationships do. But his mom hates me. It's not an issue with him or so he claims. And I live in Midland and he lives in Flint!!!! What am I supposed to do? We're perfect for each other (well i think so.) He says that after he breaks up with girls he forgets them, but there's just something about me that he just can't get over me and move on. How do I know if this is true or false. I have lied to him before and he says he has cheated on pretty much all of his girlfriends but not me!!! We are currently not together. We want to start dating again but I live and hour away and his mom hates me!! So every time I call and talk to him I say my name is Jessica but my name is really Laura. What do I do. I love him to pieces!!! Oh and his name is Curtis. HELP!!!

VictorM's advice:

You're perfect for each other, but you're lying to him about your name? What's up with that? His mom hates you but you live an hour away. How does she know you enough to hate you? And whoopee, you have a boyfriend who has cheated on all his other girlfriends and is probably proud of it, and you think this is cool? And then, you're so much in love with each other but you're not together.

Have you ever even met this guy?

You're not in love; you just need attention. I say put the pacifier back in your mouth and write back when you grow-up.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Vicki, 50, from Alabama asks:

Why do men want sex on the first date???

VictorM's advice:

Viagra. It lasts about 4 hours. No time to waste -- those pills are expensive.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

sabrina, 19, asks:

There's this guy I like and just recently I've become a lot more obvious about it. Not because I wanted to but because my feelings couldn't be controlled anymore. We used to talk all of the time and now we don't talk anywhere as often but when we do I act normal. He was always the first one to come and talk to me and he still does but not as often. Or he'll come and stand next to me or not talk to me at all and then come and ask me for something. I'm so tired of this. He's acting this way because he doesn't like me the same does he? Another thing I noticed is he used to have use heaps of eye contact and now he doesn't. Should I just get over it because there's nothing there?

VictorM's advice:

Once you became obvious about your feelings he knows he can play games with you. That's what's been happening. You were more entertaining when he thought of you as a worthy conquest. Now that he knows he could have you for the taking, the challenge is gone.

Yes, move on. He's not interested. Of course, once you show no interest... he may come around. But chances are he'll still just be playing games.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

JC, 28, from Miami asks:

I went out on first date with a guy and it went well. After the date he hinted at plans to take me out again and also asked my parents if they approve of us dating. He also gave me his phone number and asked for mine. It's been four weeks and he hasn't called although we live in the same aprtment complex and talk or say Hi pretty much everday. I'm wondering why he won't call.

VictorM's answer:

Another episode of simple answers to simple questions:

He's not interested in you anymore.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Amy, 26, from new york asks:

I just got a new job. And one of our major clients seems interested in me. But I don't feel the same way. Our company is very small and I know he is very important to make our company grow in the future. How should I deal with this situation? Please advise!

VictorM's advice:

You should ignore his importance to the company. Trust me, if your company thinks it'll be better off dumping you, they will. Company loyalty is a waste. There's nothing wrong wanting to preserve your job, but it should never come at the expense of your integrity.

You should be polite, pleasant, and helpful with the client. If he makes a move on you, decline sternly. It's possible this person will back off. If he insists or he makes you uncomfortable, don't wait! Write the events down: what he said/did, dates and times, places, and names of anyone who might have witnessed it. DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT! Then talk to your manager, tell him/her the situation and ask for advice. If they are a good company to work for they will do the right thing. If they look the other way or try to blame them, you can go one level higher, but you might as well just look for another job.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Meg, 15, from Mass asks:

I know my boyfriend loves me a lot and we have been going out for 1 year now and all but he confuses me a lot. He always gets grounded for so much like his grades for instance. And he can't hang out with me as much. And ever since high school started he seems to be showing less affection. He never calls me or talks to me online but if he finds out that I'm sad and all and that I might break it off... he calls me and IMs me OUT of his way. But all the other times he really doesn't. He tells me he cares and he loves me and my friends talk to him too and he said he couldn't ever be without me. He always plays his games seems like he never has time to be with me or call to talk and see how I am. He is so sweet to me.. I just don't know and this weekend it was our 1 year and he was grounded and he didn't even make an effort to call... message me, or nothing. And he was allowed.

VictorM's advice:

Look, some guys aren't the most attentive. If he isn't now, chances are he'll only get worse. If you think he'll get better, you're wrong. So, either do something about his lapses of attention (such as truly breaking up with him), or enjoy the good times and find a hobby or something else to do with your friends when he doesn't pay too much attention to you.

I know that's not what you want to hear. You want a magic wand to fix him and make him perfect. Well... get to the back of the line -- there are a few million women ahead of you. And you know what? They're wasting their time -- there is no magic wand. The closest thing to it is putting your foot down or moving on.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Anonymous, 17, from VA asks:

Do You Think It Would Be Alright To Get My Boyfriend That I Have Been Dating For Almost 3 Years A Ring For Christmas? He Gave Me One For Our 2 Year Anniversary And I Just Wanted To Know If It Wouldn't Be Too Weird And He Wouldn't Get The Wrong Idea Or Think I Was A Freak Or Something???

VictorM's advice:

You should give your boyfriend a gift you think he will like based on knowing him, not based on what you would like to give him hoping he would like it. There's nothing wrong with giving a guy a ring if that's something you have reason to believe he would like.

You don't have to come out and ask him directly, but does he wear rings? Have you ever heard him compliment someone's ring or mention liking a particular ring? If the answer is yes go for it, but don't give him something just because you found it on sale.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

katlyn, 15, from california asks:

I like this boy but I don't know if he likes me back. What should I do? And what if he ask me out and people say he's not the right guy for me? How can I find out if he is really the right guy for me?

VictorM's advice:

The only way to know if he's the right guy for you is by going out with him. Just be careful and aware of the things he's interested in. If he's too grabby for your taste, or wants to do things you're not comfortable doing and doesn't back off, he's the wrong guy for you. Other than that, you give him a chance until such time as you're no longer interested or you think he's not right for you.

If you're not sure how he feels about you, no big deal. You should first aim to be his friend; this is the best way to catch his attention and spark his interest. Be friendly, smile, give him small but sincere compliments. See where it leads.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Shara, 11, from st neots asks:

I like this boy called Kierion and he fancies me too. He asked me out really loudly last week but I didn't say anything and he hasn't asked me out again. I really like him and I keep thinking about him and I can't sleep. What do I do?

VictorM's advice:

Well, you didn't say anything so you scared him. He probably won't ask again because he's afraid you'll turn him down. You could pretend you didn't hear it and say to him, what did you ask me the other day? If he asks you out again, now you can say yes. After checking with your parents, of course.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Jorja, 22, from BC asks:

I am currently living with my boyfriend of 3 years. We have shared an apartment for almost 2 of these 3 years. I love him, but lately I have not been feeling the passion I felt for him when we started dating. I find myself looking (but never touching) at other guys, and in particular one guy that I work with that I can't seem to get out of my mind. Living with my boyfriend is great, and like I said I do really love him, but is that enough? What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

Being faithful and in love doesn't mean you don't find other people attractive; it's resisting the temptations that make the difference. After three years it's not uncommon to see passion decrease. And it's not at all unusual to think of other guys. You two probably have become too comfortable with each other. You see your boyfriend around the house in non-flattering situations. The guy at work, you see him only at his best.

If you love your boyfriend enough, put that love to good use and encourage him to do things that will add spice back to your relationship. Maybe he needs to join a gym, buy new clothes, not look like a slob around the house, take up a new hobby, find new interests, wear new cologne.

And by the way, don't discount that he may be feeling the same way about you. Spicing each other's lives should be the goal. To do that, you need to express yourselves like adults (but do NOT mention that you think of other guys! Never do that -- guys don't handle that well.)

So, in a nutshell: look to improve what you have; don't feel guilty for being curious about what you don't have; and don't forget that a good relationship requires constant work.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

liz, 19, from Nogales AZ asks:

Me and my boyfriend we've been going out for 1 year and a couple of months. At first he was sweet with me but like I have broken up with him a lot of time and this time I broke up with him again but we got back together. He lives in Tucson and he got a job and there's this girl that works with him at the same job and I think she's the one that changed him. He doesn't tell me sweet things on the phone or in person like how pretty are you, I miss you, I wanna be with you, anything like that. Why does he do that? Could it be my fault or the girl at his work because he spends more time with her at work that with me. He tells me that he loves me but in order for him to tell me that, I sometimes have to tell him to tell me that he loves me. And we're always arguing. I don't know what to do. I don't wanna brake up with him again. I really do love him a lot with all my heart but this is tearing me apart. Please help me. I don't know what to do anymore.

VictorM's advice:

One of the most common thing about guys is how they take their girlfriends/wives for granted by ceasing to do and say the nice things you mention. So that he has stopped saying those things that doesn't mean he likes the other girl or that he feels any less for you; it may just mean he's gotten to that lazy stage that so many guys get.

You really should worry a lot more about the constant fighting. There's nothing that makes another girl more attractive than having a bickering girlfriend. I have no idea if you have good reasons to fight, but even if you do, it's a sign that something between you two isn't all that good. You're hopelessly overlooking major flaws that will prevent you from being happy.

You should analyze why you two fight so much and see if you can change that. If you can't, then you're both wasting your time. If you can, the other girl will mean nothing and who knows, maybe the sweetness will come back.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Edens, 23, asks:

Hi! I was with my ex boyfriend for about 4 years and I broke up with him over the summer because things were getting real ugly. He was quite abusive, physically and mentally. Every time I tried breaking up with him, he always tried contacting me again, and somehow we always got back together. I finally couldn't take it anymore, and I broke up with him and saying that I cheated on him (even though I never did). Because I just didn't know what else to say because I tried everything else to break up with him. I moved out of my apartment, changed number, etc. But he still emailed me constantly. Most of his emails were threatening me and saying really mean things about me and my family. I don't know what else to say. My friends told me to ignore him, but I'm just really scared. Should I tell him to stop? Should I put a restraining order on him?

VictorM's advice:

Asking him to stop will not work; it'll just let him know he's getting what he wants.

A restraining order is something you should absolutely do. By itself it may not stop him but it lays the ground work for legal action, if needed. There's no guarantee he will be scared by a restraining order, but it works quite often. Above all, it lets him know that you will not deal with him, that he will have to deal with the authorities if he persists. So, yes, get a restraining order.

I hope you saved his emails and any voice mails, as proof. But from now on, do not deal with him directly, let a lawyer or the authorities do it.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

janice, 25, asks:

Is it true that if you think that someone likes you they probably do? What are some of the signs besides them asking you out?

VictorM's answer:

No, it's not true. Even if in some cases you'd be right, you won't know if they like you the same way you'd like them to like you. Guys are quite likely to give those signals to girls they find attractive even if they'd want nothing more than a one-night stand. The other common misconception is that a guy who likes you, likes only you. The ability to feel attracted to many girls at once is not at all at odds with being a guy.

The best way to tell if a guy likes you if he changes his behavior because of you, and only you. For example, if a guy flirts with you and flirts with other girls, chances are he just likes to flirt. But if there's a group of friends talking and he's talkative with that group, but he talks less when you arrive, that's a change of behavior. Does he blush around you but not other girls? Does he go out of his way to be where you are but doesn't do that for other girls? That's how you tell.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

hannah, 18, from Delaware asks:

I don't know if this guy likes me or not. We met a year ago. We get along well we always joke around laughing. He has mostly just girl friends. Some people say he's gay -- I know he is not! He has never had a girlfriend. In your advice don't bring up he's gay, just let's say he is not. Well he has a group of friends he hangs around with for a while and met me and my friends about a year ago. And when he is with his 1st group of friends he sorta ignores me. But then makes excuses like they made me sit with them. He is always making fun of me and laughing at me jokingly. But it seems like when he's bored he calls me to talk but when I need him it's a different story. He always knows I'll forgive him so he takes advantage of it. He tells me a lotta things and is honest with me with the mean truth. One time we were online and just joking around and he wrote i <3 u... could that mean anything? And then one night on the phone when he called he was bored and I was talking about his last name and said did anyone ever make fun of your last name and he was like kinda and then said "Hey don't make fun of my last name it could be yours one day". What do these things mean? Do you think he likes me. Or what do you think I should do? Please help!

VictorM's advice:

He wrote "i <3>this guy is gay! how cute! :-p

He knows you like him. You forgive his lack of attention. He has you by the balls, pardon the expression, and he can afford to toy with you. Does he like you? He likes you but there's no indication he likes you as a girlfriend. In fact, quite the opposite. He avoids you in certain company. What do you think that means?

I think you should look for a guy that clearly and surely is interested in you.

And by the way, you don't know if he's gay or not. There is no way for you to know. Even if you had sex with him, that still doesn't mean he's not gay. I'm not saying he is, but get off that naive cloud of yours.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Bryanna, 29, from pa asks:

I've been hanging with a guy for a couple of weeks and we've had sex. He keeps calling me and spent the night, but no touching? Is he interested? Is it cool to ask him?

VictorM's advice:

I'm assuming that since you have had sex, when you say "no touching" you mean he's not warm with you.

Showing affection is not something that all guys do. That doesn't mean he's not interested. The question is, would you be interested in such a man?

If it bothers you, you may want to bring it up and get his feelings on the subject. But if you bring it up, don't start with "Why don't you..." That will put him on the defensive right away. Instead, ask, "What's your thoughts on..."


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Andrea, 19, from Mexico asks:

Hi! I'm studying medicine and every time I meet a guy I think they get scared when I tell them what I study because everyone knows that it is a career that takes a lot of time and effort. Now I am afraid to tell them that I'm going to be a doctor. Do you think guys are scared to date girls that study medicine?

VictorM's advice:

I think lots of guys get easily intimated by girls such as yourself. I've worked in South America and Mexico long enough to know that your society is still very much male-oriented. For a man there to be going out with a girl who is more successful than him is not easy on him.

If you're just interested in casual dating, you may omit that piece of information, however, if you're looking for a serious relationship, would you really want a guy to whom you'd have to hide that information? I don't think so. Be truthful, be proud of yourself, and when you attract a guy, let it be one that has the character to accept you for being smart and successful.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

hailey, 18, from blackpool asks:

I'm at university and live with a few flatmates. There is one particular flatmate who's quite shy and quiet, whenever I see him we always smile at each other and say hi but we haven't really had a proper conversation yet. Recently I've seen him standing in the doorway watching me wash up and he grabbed my waist in the kitchen in a playful way. Does this guy like me? And should I make a move on him as he seems so shy?

VictorM's advice:

Nothing you said indicates he does not like you, so it's possible he likes you. Does that mean he wants a relationship with you? Not necessarily. But you won't know unless things get a little more interesting between you two.

Shyness isn't always the reason why a guy doesn't make a move. If you like him, be a little more direct when flirting with him, but let him make the move.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Heather, 17, from Australia asks:

I don't understand, maybe I'm just prone to being ignorant or I'm hanging onto a good thing but I truly don't understand why he's done it. About three months ago, I met one of my friends stepbrothers, however we'd talked like once or twice because strangely I sat next to him for a month or two when he was at my school last year. Aside from that I'd never really talked to him before, so it was great to get to know him better. I found out that he had also been dumped not long ago for rumour, after being with his last girlfriend for about 6 months, I was in a similar situation - hanging out with one of my male friends, my boyfriend saw us laughing and talking and accused it of being more and never got over it so we ended it after being together about a year. Well this new guy got became very attached to me pretty fast, very affectionate towards me, sometimes simply watching me was enough for him, I remember him telling me about how suprised he was at the way he felt towards me and that the attraction was very confusing for him. Not long before we'd gotten together he'd had a massive fall out at his house where his stepdad hit him and his uncle and aunty took him in and his stress levels have become very high as they're not exactly any better - trying to tell him what to do with his life and shape himself, his aunty even suggested to him to break up with me a few times...But after about two months or so, he stopped trying to get in contact with me and eventually called me to tell me he was coming over. He came to my house and explained to me that he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore but told me I was beautiful and a great/wonderful person and that he still wants to be really close friend... I was trying to stay concealed with myself, but I couldn't help myself and I let a few tears slide and he gave me a hug telling me it would be okay - which didn't seem too great considering the situation. He ended up in tears before he left saying "I hope we can still be friends." That night he was talking to me he told me about he can't have a relationship because of all the stress and that if it all clears up we can give it another go, but when I told people about that they said, once you've been put in the 'friend-zone' you usually don't come out for guys.. But his stepsister (my friend in the first place) suspects him of still liking his exgirlfriend and the fact that she's talking to him again is giving him false hope that they'll get together. Should I just give up?

VictorM's advice:

Another episode of very simple answer...

Yes!


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

carin, 24, from s.a. asks:

Lately it seems everything I do is wrong.

VictorM's advice:

It happens to everyone. We have cycles when that seems to be the case. If we could learn to recognize when we're in one of those cycles and refrained from making decisions, life would be great, but unfortunately, that's not so easy.

So... eat some chocolate, go to bed early, read a good book, and your good decisions cycle will come around. Heck, maybe it started already since you decide to write to me. :)


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

vivian, 28, from america asks:

How do guys show a girl that they really like her?

VictorM's answer:

Well, to know if a boy likes you, look in his heart. To find out if he really likes you, you have to look lower by about two feet.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Aine Moira, 18, asks:

My boyfriend and I have been dating each other for 2 1/2 years, knowing each other for 7. I understand that trust is the key to a happy, healthy relationship -but sometimes it's so hard for me to allow myself to believe him when he says he wants only me. Other than this problem, we have a great relationship. We're very supportive of one another and want to be a part of each other's lives. We push each other to achieve our goals, we're able to happily agree AND disagree on different issues, and we both love spending quality time with one another. But I guess I should get back to the trust issue- I'm not sure why I have this problem... As a child, my parents had a very tumultuous and dysfunctional relationship (much like our familial relations.) My dad was married to another woman, while my mother played the role of the "other" woman.. 10 years and 3 children later, his wife divorced him, he had bought us a home and was being the best father he could be. His childhood was rough, as he had to start working as a young child to take care of his 3 younger brothers, 1 sister, mother, and alcoholic father. -which didn't exactly equip him with all the "right ideas" of raising children. While he made sure we understood the importance of knowledge, individuality, and good work-ethic, he didn't actually prepare us for life emotionally - especially me, being the middle-age, painfully shy sister (of 2 brothers.) Growing up, I wasn't allowed to have any friends and especially not boyfriends... to this day, he doesn't know that I'm with this guy, whom I'll refer to as "Tom." My father had heard wind that Tom gave me a lift after school everyday from one of my schoolmates. (My parents were always working, therefore never home to know how I got there.. which I felt/feel guilty about, but I was only 16.) I never even let Tom in my house! He just dropped me off everyday (as opposed to taking an hour-long bus ride, where a certain group of boys always harassed me.) Anyway, my father heard about it, and kicked me out of the house! He kicked me out! He completely discredited me as not only a daughter, but as a human being with "morals." I think a lot of parents would have enjoyed having me as a daughter- I was "a good, obedient little girl" on almost all subjects besides the whole "you're not on this earth to make friends/money is your only real friend" bit. I made straight A's, had all AP honors classes, and took extra coursework. I even ASKED if I could get a job to save money for college, which he wouldn't allow. I lived with my grandmother for a month (whom raised me those first 10 years), before my mom was able to talk him into letting me come back- as long as I followed the even stricter rules. Home, bus, school, school, bus, home. I guess I shouldn't complain about it- other people have childhoods 500 times worse, I wasn't abused, and I always had a family and shelter...Anyway, I think my whole childhood had an impact on who I am... but I don't want it to be necessarily permanent. I find myself with an extremely low self-esteem, inadequate social skills, and a needy personality. I don't want to live my life trying to fill a particular role to satisfy others, but I do want to be a good partner. I really care about Tom, but I'm not independent enough. We've discussed the latter part a number of times, and he of course knows about my family life... but I don't really know if he connects the two.

(I try to not bring up the past, because I feel so selfish doing that. ya know? -I don't want to live in the past saying "me, me, me. I had an unhappy childhood.") He recently decided to break up with me, because he said that he needs time to grow as an individual, and maybe in 10 or so years, we can maybe try and work things out when we're more mature, so that we don't begin to drive one another crazy. (but always stay in contact and tell the other if we move/change #'s.) But this has just been tearing me up, and he recently decided that once I'm done with college (in 2 1/2) years, we should see each other again. I'm so scared. I don't know what's going to happen, and I hate myself for vesting my happiness in our relationship. We already decided that I should date around so that I can (in his words) "fully appreciate our relationship." (but, he said that he wasn't going to, because he's had previous experiences with girls, and knows that what he's looking for is in me) . Should I plan on getting back together with him? Will it take longer than 2 1/2 years for me to sort through all of my emotional baggage? I really want to build my self-esteem, but don't know how. I haven't accomplished anything to be proud of. Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship? I've tried in the past to give him more space, but I just hate being left alone with only myself for company. (By the way, throughout school, I had a few semi-close friends, but when I was never able to see them outside of school they drifted away and forgot about me- So Tom has pretty much been the only person I have ever been able to express myself with) Will casually dating other people help me as a person? For some reason a lot of guys hit on me, but I always ignore them.. How do I go about doing this whole dating thing? Just act interested back? I've never "played the field," per se--- the main reason I allowed myself to date Tom was because he had been asking me out for the entire 2 years prior to me fortunately saying yes. We've been through a lot together, and I know I want him in my life... How do I overcome my socializing phobia? I have trouble speaking with people I don't know... while those I do, I can have an easy, enjoyable conversation. I'm just worried that I'll never make anymore friends, as the ones I made in the past were forced to be around me everyday at school-- which is how I was able to get to know them. Am I focusing on all the wrong things? Am I just a typical, ignorant, naive 18-year old? Wow- I got off topic... So I guess I should ask a question about "why guys do and say what they do"-- do you think things can work out between us? Should I forget the past and just be his friend? Was it selfish of me to try and change his mind? If only I knew what to do and where to start. So overwhelmed. I would greatly appreciate some outside insight.

VictorM's advice:

Boy, it's a good thing I don't have a word count limit. :) I posted the entire submission because editing it wouldn't do it justice.

I have to start by disagreeing with you. You say you haven't accomplished anything. Are you serious? You grew-up in a difficult environment, with a father that can at best be described as odd, being kicked out of your house when you were a kid and yet you managed to be a good student, be in college, and be very articulate and thoughtful. Pat yourself on the back -- you deserve it.

I also have to disagree with the consequences of your upbringing. True, others kids have it much worse, but your problems are the only ones you own and when they are yours, they are the biggest ones you have to deal with. And yes, you exhibit many side affects, but generally, I still think you've done one heck of job staying sane and productive.

So, let's start by accepting that that you have issues to resolve but you overcame a lot and you are already quite a success story.

I can see where it can be difficult for Tom to handle all of it, so a brake may not be a bad thing. Will you two resume your relationship in the future? No one knows, but I firmly believe that if it's meant to happen, it will. I think you're better off not counting on it, and in the meantime, start to confront some of your social challenges.

Dating need not lead to anything serious. You should get into the routine of being out with a guy, carry a conversation, laugh with them and not have to be attached. You could start with guys that you're not particularly attracted to. "Safe guys", if you will, to practice social graces. Start small... a cup of coffee, ice cream, all friendly-like. Maybe invite a class mate to discuss a topic you have some questions about. Start small. Start simple. Start with guys that pose no threat to you.

As for your emotional baggage, frankly, if you could see a therapist, that would be the way to go. The baggage is not going to go away just because you wish it. Talking about it, or even writing to a stranger like me will help you, but you need a lot more than that. You need a professional that will know how to draw from you what affect your childhood had on you and how to overcome it. If you can't afford you -- and I assume you can't -- it'll get more difficult.

But I'll give you this one piece of advice: don't think you'll get over your issues all at once. Take a small step on one issue that you wish you could change. Do one little thing to make it a little better. Sometimes, when someone has a small success, a lot of bigger ones follow.

For now, forget Tom. Focus on yourself. You have a better chance of getting back together with him if you let go for now and take care of yourself.

Jazmin, 25, from Tustin, CA asks:

I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost four years now. The problem that I have is that he has never in these almost four years said "I love you". I think we have a solid relationship but some times I wonder if he really does love me. Does he need more time to think about it? I don't get it, shouldn't he know by now whether he does or does not love me? I have confronted him but he always seems to go around the question.

VictorM's answer:

Whether he says the words or not is no reflection of his feelings for you. How often do guys say "I love you" just to get a girl in bed? If your relationship is solid, the words aren't what makes the difference. Some guys aren't too keen on using expressive words of affection too much, however, not saying "I love you" after four years is not typical guy behavior.

His he warm with you and others? Does he hug you and hold your hand? Is he OK with public displays of affection? My guess is the answer is no. If I'm right, you really need to look into his family life. How is he with his parents and siblings?

I'm willing to bet I'm right about him being somewhat of a cold-fish. And in this case, be careful because he's likely to be this way with children and as time goes you you'll get even less affection, something you will regret. A good therapist should be able to help him.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Mocha Latte, 15, from downsoth asks:

Well me and this guy lokee have been talking for 4 years but he has a real problem with anger and jealousy. I love him to death but the simplest things will set him off. I want us to last because I love him with all my heart but he can't trust me so what should I do? How can I get him to see that I love him more than life itself?

VictorM's advice:

It doesn't matter what you tell him, doesn't matter what you do, anger and jealousy are within him. And, as time goes on, it just gets worse with people like him. It will not get better unless he recognizes it and seeks therapy, but that's highly unlikely.

You're bound to start thinking that if your skirts get longer, your tops cover more, and you don't go out he'll be different. HE WON'T! Because this is his insecurity and he'll blame you for something. If you're watching TV with a good looking acotr on he'll say you like him. If you read a magazine with pictures of a male model, he'll go nuts. It's never ending.

There's only one way out: leave this guy -- he's poison!


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Julie from Chicago asks:

Ok, I am flirting with this guy in class such as rubbing my leg up and down, tapping my fingers on my cheek, biting my pen and looking at him with a smile then looking away. He looks at me too. After a while, we start to take a group test, someone's asks me "Are you sure your answer is true/correct?" And the guy that I am flirting with goes, "Of course it's correct, she's smart." Does this mean he is interested in me?? And should I have given him a tap on the shoulder and thank him? Or was I being too touchy with him? What should I do next class? Should I let him flirt with me first or what? I am soo confused. Please help! I don't want to come off too strong.

VictorM's advice:

I'm not sure that your flirting is something he's noticed. Guys tend to be pretty oblivious to those sort of things. You can be more direct without being strong. Pay him simple but sincere compliments, the way he did when he called you smart. Compliment his shirt, or haircut, that sorta thing. But let him chase you. Guys like that.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

angela, 21, asks:

There is a man I work with. He's way older. We are always talking, he makes plenty of eye contact when we are talking, looks at me a bit when he thinks I'm not looking, teases me, laughs at some things that I say and I know that he knows I like him. All of the sudden he has become quieter and has started to avoid me a little. When other people are talking to me I can see him looking at me. Why is he avoiding me?

VictorM's answer:

There are several possibilities. The most likely: someone at work told him to watch it around you. Who knows, maybe his job is at risk. Make this assumption first and stop teasing him.

It's possible that on his own he realized that encouraging you further was not wise. That doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive or that he wishes he was closer to your age, but he's decide to stay away from you.

Either way, you would be wise to look elsewhere and leave him alone.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

amber, from va asks:

My boyfriend disappeared all weekend and then told me it was none of my business and that he didn't have to answer to me. This was Monday of this week. I am hurting over that and then to top it all off I found out I was pregnant this morning. I have not spoken to him since Monday. We have been dating about 5 months. I use the depo shot but I still got pregnant. Do I tell him about the baby or do i stay away from him? I am crying as I am making this post and I really need some advice as quickly as possible. I love him but I don't want to be hurt by him repeating what he did to me this past weekend. Please help me and tell me what you think. Thank you so much, amber

VictorM's advice:

Tell him that you're pregnant. If you confirm the pregnancy and decide to have the baby, he needs to be put on notice that he has to provide support.

As for him telling you it's none of your business where he was, the only excuse for not breaking up with him is if: his reaction was totally out of character, and you two had some major fight before it, and he has since expressed remorse. Anything less than that in unforgivable. Even under these conditions I find it difficult to justify staying with him.

You have been shown a huge red flag about this guy. If you don't heed its warning, you could become an abused and taken for granted woman -- don't let it happen!

You didn't say your age but in any case you need to find good friends/family to rely on about the pregnancy and to give you the support you need to break away from this idiot!


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

fiona, 16, from bangladesh asks:

There is this guy in my class. I like him a lot. When we were not friends I had this feeling that he used to like me. Now that we are friends we go on hangouts in groups. He teases me with other boys in the class. Wen my friend told him that she would tell me that he liked me (that's what she thinks) so he got all angry and told her to do whatever she wanted to do. The next day he ignored me and the next day he told me not to talk to him in school as everyone would take it in a wrong sense. The next day I totally ignored him. My friends told him that I was upset and later that afternoon he called me up and apologized saying that he was afraid that I would not like it if anyone starts taking my name with his. I am really confused. Does he like me?

VictorM's advice:

Yes, he likes you but he may not be ready to be anything but friends at this time. Boys at your age can be quite complicated and carry many complexes, so their behavior can be quite unpredictable. The other thing you should be aware, is that as boys become more aware of the opposite sex, many times they like many girls at once and get really confused. They want to have them all but know they can't so they settle on none just so they are all possibilities.

Just be his friend. Have fun together. He'll grow out of this stage. When that happens... run for the hills! :)


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Jazz, 22, from Ohio asks:

I have recently noticed that a 35 year old, divorcee, father of one friend of the family has been flirting with me; giving me love songs for my birthday, holding eye contact when we talk, touching me when he laughs. I like him and recently flirted back playing 'footsie' under the table and he didn't pull away. All of this is undercover as he is a friend of my parents and I want to know if he is flirting with me because he's attracted to me or am I a novelty to boost his ego because of my age and because it's not in the open. He seems genuine.

VictorM's advice:

Even if he thinks he is genuine, he's not. You are the best thing for his ego right now, but I doubt you will ever be anything more than that. Proceed with caution.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

miracle, 15, from watson lousaina asks:

I got a new boy friend. I don't know what to talk about on the phone.

VictorM's advice:

Anything, really. When a boy likes a girl he's not picky. He just wants to hear her voice. So talk about your day, ask about his, tell him things you like and dislike, movies, sports, cars, video games, music, videos, TV, school, pay him compliments, ask him about his dreams and plans... really, anything under the sun.

But, oddly enough, the way you'll know you two are connecting is when you're comfortable sharing silence. That will come in time.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Andrea, 39, from central west nj asks:

I guess my main question is, "Does this guy like me?" I invited him over for dinner again, he always says yes when I invite him over but he doesn't take the initiative to make plans on his own. He called to say he would be a little late (which I appreciated and let him know) we had a good time and we laughed alot. As usual, we went into the TV room, which is the room he likes and I gave him the best seat in the house, but because I hurt my back the previous weekend, I sat on the love seat not next to him. I did tell him, I'm going to sit here because my back still hurts, but as I look back maybe it was yet more "mixed signals" from me. The end of the night came, I handed him leftovers (I always send him home w/food) I walked him to the door and we said good night. For a split second I thought, I should just kiss him, I know he won't do it, well the moment came and went and once again, an anti-climactic evening followed by a weekend of "does he like me or not?" I don't want to be chasing after anyone. So I'm confused as to how to handle this situation. I'm fairly secure but I fear rejection just like anyone else. He informed me that night that he remembers everything I've ever said since he met me, which is a little scary since the first few years at work all I said was "don't shit where you eat!" When he would come talk to me about hooking up w/a secretary. And now, I find myself doing exactly what I told him not to do. I like this guy but at which point do I just say, forget it, its too much work, or have I done enough? I've been on my own for so long that this is way out of my comfort zone. Thanks for your advise.

VictorM's advice:

Andrea... Andrea... Andrea... you're acting like his mom, not like the woman that wants to set his crotch on fire. Mom's send their kids home with leftovers; you should be sending him home with huge hickeys, for crying out out!

OK, I get you not wanting to be rejected, but Andrea, since you have a history of sending him the wrong signals, he's now terrified of being rejected too. If you can't bring yourself to be direct with him about your interest, then be indirect, but please, stop with the mom or just-friends behavior. By being indirect I mean, for example, when he comes to your house, are you dressed for comfort or to seduce? Do you have makeup on and your sexiest perfume? What music do you play? Are the lights dimmed or maybe just candles on? Be seductive, bite your lips, touch him, sit close to him. Come on Andrea... time to light a fire under his pants! :)

Take it from me: he doesn't go to your house for food or to watch TV. He goes for you. You will not be rejected. You can also take a small step: tell him you were wrong when you said the "don't shit where you eat!" comment. Then smile and wink.

Don't forget... wear protection! ;)


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

anonymous asks:

My boyfriend of 5 years just ended it - I don't know what is going on. We just returned from our vacation and then he says he can't do this because of my son. He told me he loves me. He hasn't contacted me for a month and I heard he was already online...what's with that? He cherished me, but was scared of commitment and I certainly didn't want a stepfather or to get married for that matter but whenever we spent a lot of time together he always withdrew from me...help me understand.

VictorM's advice:

Simple: he's not into you. Forget the excuse about your son; it's just that, an excuse. The truth is while he may like many things about you, you're not "it" for him. It's hard to say that to someone, specially when you feel they have many good qualities. You can't even explain it to yourself much less someone else, but you know something isn't clicking. He stayed, he tried, he hoped things would change. But they didn't. He finally got the courage to end it. And now he's ready to move on.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Brooke, 23, from Florida asks:

I really like this guy I work with and I think he likes me too but he has this drug addict ex that won't leave him alone and I think that is why all we have done is kiss...when we are at work he makes it clear he likes me but when he is at home I don't feel like he cares...So is he just putting on a show at work or is he waiting til his ex is completely out of his life?

VictorM's advice:

I don't know what the crazy ex would have to do with him not caring when he's home. In fact, I would think that if he wants to get rid of her, you'd be more prominent in his life. So I don't buy that reason. It strikes me as more likely that you're just a good pastime at work to make the day go by quicker.


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Stephanie, 21, from Texas asks:

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. I love him and I know he loves me, but we have a problem in our relationship. I can't trust him. He cheated on my about 6 months into our relationship and I forgave him. But it's hard to forget. He also goes out to bars about 4 nights a week, only one night of that I am allowed to go....... Well the other day I found in his room a bunch of napkins from bars with girls numbers on them. He said they just gave him the numbers and he never called any of them. Well I called them to find out and half of them didn't work and the other half didn't remember him or said they were just friends. But that's not the point. I ask him every time when he goes out if any girls talk to him and he always says no. So it hurts that he lied once again. I feel like I will never be able to trust him. Other than that our relationship is great. Do you think that it is time to move on? Or am I just over analyzing the situation?

VictorM's advice:

You're only allowed to go to bars once a week!? Allowed by whom, by him? If this is so, how can you say your relationship is great? I think you suffer from very low expectations.

I say in this page all the time that the most important ingredient for a happy relationship is trust. Even more than love. You can have a healthy relationship with someone you're not in love with but you can not have it when there's no trust. And in your case, you have very good reasons for not trusting. It's absurd, given what you told us, to believe he doesn't still cheat on you.

But whether he cheats or not is not the issue, frankly. What matters is that one day you find numbers on the napkins and eventually you'll start going through the pockets in his pants, looking in his wallet, checking for lipstick on his shirts, etc. etc. It'll be a never ending cycle of suspicion that will drive both of you crazy.

I'm not saying that overcoming a moment of weakness can't be done, but the offender really needs to work very hard to make amends. Your guy doesn't seem interested in doing this. You're better off looking for a guy with whom what you're allowed to do is your decision, not his!


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Karen, 43, from San Bernardino, Calif. asks:

My ex and I broke up 2 and half months ago...too many factors to list here. The relationship was intense, mostly on his side, and moved a bit too fast for me.

At the time we met, he had come out of a relationship that hurt him badly, and so had I. I knew he was in pain, and I also knew that our relationship was most likely a rebound...for both of us.

But he insisted this was not the case, that he fell in love with me and his feelings for me were strong. He pushed for me to move in with him which I was never really comfortable with. Again, I was not convinced that he was over his ex and was basically turning to me to dull the pain. Hey, it happens...I understand.

Our relationship lasted for 6 months and we spent a tremendous amount of time together. He bought me a diamond ring as a "symbol" of our love and his commitment to our relationship. He also bought himself a ring for the same reason, which I thought was odd.

Our relationship was a stormy one, lots of problems abound. But throughout it all, I always felt he still had feelings for his ex. The ex, by the way, was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, has been married 5 times, and had affairs on all of her husbands in which she'd leave them, come back, then leave them again. Well, it was no different with my ex. She was sleeping with another guy the entire time she was living with my ex, and when my ex refused to marry her upon her demand, she left him for the guy she was sleeping with...stole $800.00, a computer, and other items that belonged to my ex, and married the other man within a week of leaving my ex. Can't even begin to count the numerous times I listened to my ex rant and rave about how much he loathed this woman for what she did, how he could never trust her again, and felt no love for her, rather...his love was with me. However..I never bought in to it. As a result, I was reluctant to move in with this man, and I did attempt to leave him a few times but he always contacted me, telling me how much he loved me, couldn't be without me, etc.

Okay, I finally decided to leave for good this past August. I told him I couldn't do this anymore, that there were too many problems in our relationship that I couldn't deal with, and I wanted him to date other women because I wasn't coming back. He was tearful, told me I was making a mistake, but let me walk.

Didn't hear from him for about 2 weeks until he saw me drive by one day. He immediately called me, told me he needed to see me and wanted to come over. I reluctantly agreed and he came over that night. We talked for quite a while...he once again told me how much he loved me, told me he wasn't seeing anybody else, and the past 2 weeks have been hard and long for him. Needless to say, he spent the night, we made love, and he left early in the morning for work. He called me that morning, said he loved me and would call me when he got home. He did call, telling me that he had errands to run and would call me when he got back. That call never came.

I won't go into the long details, but I learned that he and his ex, the one who stole from him and married the man she was sleeping with...and is still married to this man, went back together. I was absolutely crushed. I said some nasty things to him when I found out, told him NOT to contact me again, and left.

Since that time, he has called my house and sits silently when I answer the phone. This has happened numerous times. He works as a logger, drives a logging truck, and has arranged his driving route to pass by me as I'm driving home for lunch. Each time, he looks straight at me, smiles, but I completely ignore him. However, the phone calls continue.

Why would he do this when the ex, but now current, girlfriend lives with him? She left her husband to move in with my ex, yet he continues to call here even though he says nothing when I answer. I honestly don't understand why he is doing this, and what he hopes to gain by it.

Can you help to shed some light on this?

Thank you!

VictorM's answer:

People can get addicted to their behavior much like drug addicts get addicted to whatever drugs they use. In his case, he seems to be addicted to some form of chaos in his love life. She certainly provides him with plenty of that. And... so do you: taking his calls, sleeping with him after you broke-up, keeping contact with him, and let's face it, continuing a relationship that you knew was wrong from the get go. Why didn't you walk away? Why did you stick with it for so long even when you felt it was wrong, even when you felt his behavior was peculiar?

He's addicted to chaos and that's why he's contacting you. But let's not mince words: the guy is a nut case but that's his excuse. What's yours?


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

JAZAMB, 41, from UK asks:

I met a American guy, who promised me the world. I moved my life to be with him in USA, and lived there for 6 months. We were planning to marry. I had to return to UK for a couple of months to renew my visa. In the meantime, he cheats! OK he's still with her 9 months on, and now I am with someone new but he still mails me and tells me he loves me and is having a hard time with her, and feels that I have deserted him cause I don't mail him any more. I don't get it! He doesn't want me but still loves me, or is it just the fact he can't handle me being happy with someone new?

VictorM's advice:

He's someone who doesn't accept responsibility for his actions. According to him, you've deserted him, and I'm sure he feels his current "victim" caused him to leave you. So it's always someone else's fault, never his. His emails to you have nothing to do with love; they have to do with his inability to be a grown-up.

You're lucky you found out before it was too late.


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Amy, 21, from Alberta asks:

I really like this guy but he tells me he doesn't want a relationship. Apparently his last relationship didn't go well at all, lasted 5 years and he said he pretty much wasted that time of his life. He said he lives life day by day and doesn't like labels, but at the same time hints to me that he's not with anyone else. I'm confused as to whether this is typical or not of guys to get scared of a relationship after having a bad one, even if they like a girl. Do guys sometimes need more time to fall for someone? I think he likes me, but he pulls away at the mention of a relationship and prefers things to stay how they are. But the way things are now is what my definition of a relationship is...we hang out, have fun together, talk on a regular basis, make-out sometimes (I don't even sleep with him because I don't want to be just "that girl" to him and he still likes to hang out with me) so now I'm confused as to whether I should stay and wait or leave. Please help.

VictorM's advice:

The excuse that his last relationship was bad is just that -- an excuse. But look at it from a practical stand point: why should he commit if he gets all the benefits of a relationship without being committed to one? As it is, you hang out, have fun, make out... hey, life is good. Why would he want any change?

Having a bad experience does leave a bad taste in a guy's mouth, but that usually goes away once he finds someone worth taking another risk. You do not seem to be that kind of girl. You're company; you're not "it". At least that's what his behavior betrays.

If you like the present arrangement, change nothing. But if you want more, behave as a friend if that's all you are (that means, no making out.) He'll have to show you whether he's ready to commit or not. But please, don't give him too much leeway just because he had a bad experience.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Jessi, 23, from Oklahoma City, OK asks:

My longtime (3 years - friends for 9) boyfriend recently told me that he wants to move out of state (across the country) to go to grad school, and that it's not just grad school, it's seminary. He wants to be a priest. (He is Orthodox, so their priests aren't celibate, but it is a highly charged religious atmosphere where untold pressure would be on me to conform with his beliefs. I'm Buddhist.) WTF? What do I do? I am so in love with this man it is ridiculous, but it seems that he is set on leaving me. I can't leave the state for at least 1 1/2 years, as I am finishing my bachelors. He would be leaving next September. I have talked to him once in the last 2 weeks, and very briefly then. Do I just try and move on? It hurts so much - I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man. Do I call him? If so, what can I say? I am having a really rough time - no eating, no sleeping, work performance suffering, et al. I just want to feel better - I feel as if my whole world has fallen apart. Please help me.

VictorM's advice:

I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I'm afraid I can't. He has made a choice, and his faith is number one in his life; you are not. If you're not willing to accept his decision -- and I can't blame you for not accepting it -- then you have to do the painful but right thing and move on. Yes, it will hurt but what is the alternative?

When two people date they look for attributes about the other that will enhance both of their lives. While a perfect match is not necessary, a level of compatibility on major issues is a must. You clearly don't have that. There's NOTHING you can do about it. This is not a reflection on you. He hears a different calling and he is pursuing that which is most important to him. You have to do the same for yourself.

The biggest pain you feel comes from indecision. Once you come off the fence and set the wheels in motion to let go of him, things will start getting a bit easier. Not right away, I know, but slowly you'll start refocusing your energies in a different direction. So for you, the hardest part is making the decision. Make it! And have a sandwich.

Anyone who loves as deeply as you do is capable of loving someone else just as strongly... in time.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Ashley, 21, from Canada asks:

There's this guy I work with and in the past little while we've started to hang out together outside of work. There are rumors about us at work that we're dating etc but none of them are true (although I wish they were). Whenever we hang out he pays for everything and we seem to be so into each other. He told me while on one of our adventures that I was the only girl he knew that he wouldn't have been arguing with the whole time because I'm not like the other girls he knows. He says I don't expect anything and that I don't expect anything from him. When we first met I was with someone else but we're currently separating and I'm moving out of his apartment. My question is do you think this guy likes me and if so how can I go about letting him know just how I feel?

VictorM's advice:

Yes, he likes you but I bet part of the attraction is that you're not his girlfriend. If you become one, then there's a good chance you'll be like all the other girls. Let's face it, once you and him are a couple, you mean to tell me you're not going to expect more from him than you're getting now? Come on, get real!

But you have to tell him how you feel and find out if what I said above is true or not. If you don't speak up, frankly, you're just wasting your time. How do you tell him how you feel? Simple: you tell him how you feel. Duh! Life isn't THAT complicated.

Just be prepared for the skid marks as he runs away from you. Or maybe not. Do you feel lucky today?


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

eden, 29, from nc asks:

Look, there is this guy at the coffee shop that I go into all the time, we've been friendly the last couple months, a group of people from the coffee shop were supposed to get together and go to the movie, the other people couldn't go so me and this guy went. The night before, he called to meet him for a drink, he bought my drink and flirted like crazy, we went back to his place and watched TV. The next night we went to the movie, we had a good time and hung out at his place, he didn't flirt or anything. When I left he asked what I was doing Wednesday and that he would call, he never did, so I called on Wednesday to see, he said he had a school assignment that he forgot about it but we could do something at the end of the week, he never called. I went back to the coffee shop, he was talking and friendly, initiating conversation, when I left he said we could hang out and he would call in a couple days. What the heck is going on here?

VictorM's advice:

He's interested in being friendly and occasional company, but nothing else.

Think of "I'll call you" as you do "Have a good day" or "Take care". It's an expression. Guys say it whether they mean to call or not. Get used to it. Guys also sometimes flirt whether they are interested or not. It's a mood and ego thing, not a sign of interest. Get used to it.

If I were you I'd go to this coffee shop for one thing: coffee! Go elsewhere for a boyfriend. But hey, if he buys you coffee, it ain't a total loss.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Katrina, 20, from Minnesota asks:

Why is a guy sometimes a jerk months after a breakup, especially when he was the one to break it off, and the girl is giving him complete space? Assume it was a serious, long-term relationship.

VictorM's advice:

You mean to tell me that he broke-up with you and you didn't go crawling back to him, on your knees, begging His Perfection to take you back? What do you think that does to his ego? Sure, he may not have wanted you, but he wanted you to want him. But instead, you gave him space. You didn't think of him as a god you couldn't live without, and so now you're going to pay, bitch! I have a hunch that he's thinking something along these lines.

He's acting like a jerk because he is a jerk! Be glad that he's your ex and take his attitude as proof that you're better off without him.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

JENA, 28, from ARIZONA asks:

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up six months ago. He has since married. I have since moved on of course, but he contacted me by text two days ago just asking how I was. He sent another text afterward apologizing for all mistakes and misery he had caused and that he still thought about me and the good times we had - but not to take it the wrong way. What does this mean? I don't know how to take this. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

What you should do is not take it the wrong way, just like he said, and continue to move on. His text messages are nothing but a bout with his own conscience. Maybe letting it out of his system is all he needed to do. But his true motivation is none of your concern and nothing you should get involved with or respond to.


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Kat, 22, from VA asks:

So, I met a guy at a bar this past weekend. We flirted for a while at the bar before I went home with him and we had sex. I thought it would be one of those random hookups, however we stayed up for a couple hours after, just talking. I woke up pretty early the next morning, and to my surprise and delight he was also up. We ended up lying in bed for four hours that morning, talking about everything...school, jobs, family, friends, life in general. Before I left, he asked for my number and gave me his. He walked me to the nearest subway station and said he'd like to see me again. Though he seemed very interested, I am skeptical as to whether he would want to see me again just because we slept with each other upon our first meeting. I really get a good feeling about this guy, however I wonder if sleeping with him affects my chances with him negatively. What do guys think about a situation like this? Do I have a chance with him?

VictorM's answer:

That is a very individual decision. However, in general, a girl who is too easy, which you were, is generally not the type of girl a guy looks for a serious relationship. I'm not saying he's going to either shun you or just want sex again, but don't be surprised if that's exactly what happens. But who knows, he might not let that bother him. So, yes, of course you stand a chance.

One word of advice: do not act apologetic about that night. You slept with him because you liked him and it was your choice. He should feel lucky that you like him.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Melody, 21, from Toronto asks:

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Throughout the course of our relationship, he's always been very loving and explicit about our future together. One day I decided to tell him how he made me feel since these feelings were kind of scary for me because they are so strong, thus leaving him feeling somewhat vulnerable. He didn't know what to say since lately he has been feeling unsure of how he feels towards me. As he said it, I'm giving 75% and him 30%. He's reassured me he's not looking or interested in anyone else. He asked for time to figure out how he feels. It's been a couple of weeks and I don't know what to do. He still calls me to check up on how I'm doing, plus he gets jealous at any mention of a another guy being interested in me. Should I give him more time and not pressure him? I'm so confused. How does someone STOP loving someone, especially someone they tell they want to spend the rest of their life with?

VictorM's advice:

"I'm not interested in anyone else." "I need time to figure out how I feel." These are all boiler plate comments that just about every guy says. Him getting jealous his a reflection of his ego, not of his feelings for you.

You scared him with your "feelings that are so strong it's scary". But a guy that was in love with you wouldn't find them scary; he would have been pleased.

So your guy most likely fell out of love with you and is having a hard time telling you so. That's very common; guys hate coming out and saying it.

How is it possible to fall out of love? Come on! It happens all the time! It can happen after one year, after seven, after 50. Love does not come with an insurance policy or a guarantee. You enjoy it each day, treat each other with respect, try to spice each other's lives, and hope it lasts a lifetime. Far too often, it does not. That is life.

Don't pressure him. Just tell him you're going to start seeing other guys and wish him luck finding someone. He'll be grateful. You'll be heartbroken. That too, is life. But sitting around waiting for one guy, that's no life for a young woman.


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tina, 24, from kentucky asks:

How can you tell if your beau wants to propose? Recently my live-in boyfriend has made comments or asked questions rather pertaining to marriage, on one occassion. I feel as though he may be testing me, to see if he should propose but was very direct without seeming to be at the time. Does this mean he is considering a proposal?

VictorM's answer:

No, he probably was just trying to figure out if it's time to run away!

Just kidding!

Yes, sounds like he's getting ready to pop the big question pretty soon.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Michelle, 16, from Ontario asks:

I seen this guy around school and never really talked till not too long ago when I watched a hockey game and after we were talking.. the next day was the school dance and my friend had asked him to dance with me and he said sure. So me and my friend went and we were just dancing and me and him started grinding. After that song, it was the last one and it was a slow one. We danced to that one too. And then I had said I bet I wasn't the girl you wanted to dance to for the last dance and he said: "no I was going to ask." I kinda like him but I don't really know him. Should I ask him to hang out or do guys think it's weird when girls ask?

VictorM's advice:

No. Most guys are flattered that you ask and only idiots think it's weird. In this case, he already seems interested in you, so you are running a low risk he'll turn you down. So, go ahead, him to hang out.

Just don't go declaring your love for him and setting a wedding date.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

lisa renee, 35, from los angeles asks:

How can I take a strong, physically attracted, sexually involved relationship (great passionate chemistry and other practical interests outside of the bedroom) to another level, (he's 28 I'm 35 ). He's a lot fresher in the midst of divorce (two months) and I've been separated almost two years. I don't want to own him, I would just like him to call more often and to feel more connected. He's been here for less than ten years but his culture is different from American males and I am born and raised here and not from his culture or religion but my mind is open. I have admired him from afar for 1 year before we got involved. Thanks in advance! p.s. You advised me before and your answer was right on the money!! :) Also, he rightly so is not looking for a serious relationship at this time and in all honesty, neither am I but I do require at minimum a feeling of basic connection.

VictorM's advice:

When you say you don't want to own him, that implies you want more than what you're getting, and that's scary for a guy who wants to take it slow. Wanting him to "call more often and feel more connected" are words to run away from. I'm serious. Every guy in the planet knows you're asking for a finger but will swallow the wrist. It may not be true, but you're playing into the stereotype.

Try a little reverse psychology. I think you'll have greater success. Drop the requests, make yourself just a little more scarce and he'll be calling more often and wanting a greater connection before you can say "can we pick my engagement ring right now?"

I feel I'll go 2 for 2 with you. :)


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend