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Saturday, September 30, 2006
Hugs and butterflies
nicola, 13, from scotland asks:
I like this guy and I'm not sure if he likes me. He is like one of my best friends and he likes to give me hugs and I get butterflies when he does and he says he kisses all his friends and now he asks for kisses off of me. I'm fine with it and I do kiss him but it makes me like him even more and I'm not sure if I should tell him how I feel about him because what if he doesn't like me back and then he might not talk to me anymore.....please help
VictorM's advice:
Oh man... hugs and butterflies. I envy you. That stuff was fun.
I say enjoy it as things are now. Telling him you like him will not make things any better; it probably will scare him away. Boys around your age don't mature as quickly as girls do, so he's not ready for a steady thing. He's in an experimental stage, hence the kissing of other friends, and it's best if it stays that way until he's ready.
Just keep being the wonderful friend that you are -- he wouldn't want to kiss you if he didn't think so -- and enjoy the butterflies. Maybe the two of you will grow closer together, maybe you won't, but at your age changes happen quickly, so it's not like you'll have to wait too long to know.
Tip: wear a nice, soft, girly perfume. He won't know why, but he'll get addicted to getting closer to you. :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I like this guy and I'm not sure if he likes me. He is like one of my best friends and he likes to give me hugs and I get butterflies when he does and he says he kisses all his friends and now he asks for kisses off of me. I'm fine with it and I do kiss him but it makes me like him even more and I'm not sure if I should tell him how I feel about him because what if he doesn't like me back and then he might not talk to me anymore.....please help
VictorM's advice:
Oh man... hugs and butterflies. I envy you. That stuff was fun.
I say enjoy it as things are now. Telling him you like him will not make things any better; it probably will scare him away. Boys around your age don't mature as quickly as girls do, so he's not ready for a steady thing. He's in an experimental stage, hence the kissing of other friends, and it's best if it stays that way until he's ready.
Just keep being the wonderful friend that you are -- he wouldn't want to kiss you if he didn't think so -- and enjoy the butterflies. Maybe the two of you will grow closer together, maybe you won't, but at your age changes happen quickly, so it's not like you'll have to wait too long to know.
Tip: wear a nice, soft, girly perfume. He won't know why, but he'll get addicted to getting closer to you. :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, September 29, 2006
His house is messy
Kate, 24, from Australia asks:
A guy I met through mutual friends began to visit me and he stays over occasionally. He said that I can't visit his home yet because it is messy and we don't socialise other than him hanging out at my place. He said that he wants to wait to have sex because if he gets to know me better it will mean more. He also said that he wants to visit me more but doesn't want this to register subconsciously, due to the whole "starting a relationship thing." I told him I didn't expect anything, just enjoyed his company (a mistake I think). At times he can be very thoughtful, generous, affectionate and complimentary and we talk for hours, but at other times he can be quite cold, bringing up my past relationships and judging my choices. He stayed three nights last weekend and I pampered him, but then I'm lucky to get a few texts during the week. Sometimes when he visits to stay over he arrives at 10.00pm at night after he has had drinks with his friends and says he's been looking forward to seeing me all day. During the weekend one of his best friends (also an acquaintance of mine) rang him to ask him what he was doing and he said "not much." His friends knew we were hanging out prior to a tiff we had a week ago because I hadn't returned a few of his texts as I was busy hanging out with one of my guy friends and he got jealous. To cut a long story short we seem to be in limbo. Is this guy just not into me, or should I give him time?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know Kate. Seems to me you're going out of your way to ignore blatant red flags. Let's see... he comes when he pleases. He doesn't bother to clean his house for you. You're not even in a relationship but he judges your choices and gets jealous.
You know, he was right when he told his friend he wasn't doing much. After all, he was just with you. If that doesn't answer your question about him not being into you, nothing will.
Exactly what would you give him more time for? Since you are such a passive mat for him to walk over, the only thing likely to happen with time is he'll question you more often and his jealousy will grow.
Tell him to fuck off. Then spend more time with your friends.
Ahhh... I know, you won't do it because... he can be so charming sometimes. Grrrrrr...
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
A guy I met through mutual friends began to visit me and he stays over occasionally. He said that I can't visit his home yet because it is messy and we don't socialise other than him hanging out at my place. He said that he wants to wait to have sex because if he gets to know me better it will mean more. He also said that he wants to visit me more but doesn't want this to register subconsciously, due to the whole "starting a relationship thing." I told him I didn't expect anything, just enjoyed his company (a mistake I think). At times he can be very thoughtful, generous, affectionate and complimentary and we talk for hours, but at other times he can be quite cold, bringing up my past relationships and judging my choices. He stayed three nights last weekend and I pampered him, but then I'm lucky to get a few texts during the week. Sometimes when he visits to stay over he arrives at 10.00pm at night after he has had drinks with his friends and says he's been looking forward to seeing me all day. During the weekend one of his best friends (also an acquaintance of mine) rang him to ask him what he was doing and he said "not much." His friends knew we were hanging out prior to a tiff we had a week ago because I hadn't returned a few of his texts as I was busy hanging out with one of my guy friends and he got jealous. To cut a long story short we seem to be in limbo. Is this guy just not into me, or should I give him time?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know Kate. Seems to me you're going out of your way to ignore blatant red flags. Let's see... he comes when he pleases. He doesn't bother to clean his house for you. You're not even in a relationship but he judges your choices and gets jealous.
You know, he was right when he told his friend he wasn't doing much. After all, he was just with you. If that doesn't answer your question about him not being into you, nothing will.
Exactly what would you give him more time for? Since you are such a passive mat for him to walk over, the only thing likely to happen with time is he'll question you more often and his jealousy will grow.
Tell him to fuck off. Then spend more time with your friends.
Ahhh... I know, you won't do it because... he can be so charming sometimes. Grrrrrr...
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Seeing a married man
Kim, 33, from va asks:
I am married and was seeing a married man also. We have dated off and on for 3 years. We just got back together the beginning of the year. Everything was going good then all of the sudden he says we need to chill because he needs to work thing out with his family. He says we will be together again. Is that just bs or can he actually mean it? We do seem to always get back together.
VictorM's advice:
It could be bullshit but with a liar and a cheater, you never know, do you? You get what you pay for, so the saying goes.
I have no doubt you always seem to always wind up together. Just like cow shit and flies, I suppose.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am married and was seeing a married man also. We have dated off and on for 3 years. We just got back together the beginning of the year. Everything was going good then all of the sudden he says we need to chill because he needs to work thing out with his family. He says we will be together again. Is that just bs or can he actually mean it? We do seem to always get back together.
VictorM's advice:
It could be bullshit but with a liar and a cheater, you never know, do you? You get what you pay for, so the saying goes.
I have no doubt you always seem to always wind up together. Just like cow shit and flies, I suppose.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, September 28, 2006
She wants children, he doesn't
Hope, 32, from Michigan asks:
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years with a 4 month separation after 8 months. He has a child with an ex that is very hard to get along with. When we had our separation he went back to his son's mother and when she put him out he came back to me. The problem is that I want kids and he knows it. I recently got pregnant and had a miscarriage. It wasn't planned but he was very happy. I thought that we would not prevent it again and he never told me different when I brought it up. Now he doesn't want to have kids/kid with me. He says it's because of his son's mother and all the problems she give him but I think that it's because he doesn't want the financial responsibility or be a part of my life for the next 18 years. I pretty much know the answer but my mind tends to look at the extreme a lot.
VictorM's advice:
Not wanting kids with you because of his son's mother is the one of the lamest excuses I've heard. What he's really saying is that he doesn't want to screw-up the chances of going back to her and I'm assuming she's put down the condition that if he fathers another child he's out of her life. Basically, you're a resting place until he can get her back.
But hey, at least now you know where he stands. It's not always easy doing the right thing but in this case, there is no doubt what the right thing is.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years with a 4 month separation after 8 months. He has a child with an ex that is very hard to get along with. When we had our separation he went back to his son's mother and when she put him out he came back to me. The problem is that I want kids and he knows it. I recently got pregnant and had a miscarriage. It wasn't planned but he was very happy. I thought that we would not prevent it again and he never told me different when I brought it up. Now he doesn't want to have kids/kid with me. He says it's because of his son's mother and all the problems she give him but I think that it's because he doesn't want the financial responsibility or be a part of my life for the next 18 years. I pretty much know the answer but my mind tends to look at the extreme a lot.
VictorM's advice:
Not wanting kids with you because of his son's mother is the one of the lamest excuses I've heard. What he's really saying is that he doesn't want to screw-up the chances of going back to her and I'm assuming she's put down the condition that if he fathers another child he's out of her life. Basically, you're a resting place until he can get her back.
But hey, at least now you know where he stands. It's not always easy doing the right thing but in this case, there is no doubt what the right thing is.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Break-up after 3 years
marie, 24, from Flordia asks:
I dated a guy for about three years and we broke-up a couple years ago. I still love him and want him back but he is with someone else. However, he still calls when he is drunk and says stuff that makes me thinks he still likes me. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
When a guy is drunk even the mop used to cleanup the vomit from the bathroom floor looks attractive (not that I'm comparing you to a mop full of vomit). His calls mean nothing at all. He keeps doing it only because you keep picking up the phone. Stop answering and he'll stop calling.
But if you still love him and want him back, say so... when he's sober. His response will let you know what he really thinks about you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I dated a guy for about three years and we broke-up a couple years ago. I still love him and want him back but he is with someone else. However, he still calls when he is drunk and says stuff that makes me thinks he still likes me. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
When a guy is drunk even the mop used to cleanup the vomit from the bathroom floor looks attractive (not that I'm comparing you to a mop full of vomit). His calls mean nothing at all. He keeps doing it only because you keep picking up the phone. Stop answering and he'll stop calling.
But if you still love him and want him back, say so... when he's sober. His response will let you know what he really thinks about you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Leap of faith
marie, 33, from TN asks:
I started dating a guy 2 months ago. He tells me he really likes me but doesn't want to jump in too fast because he got hurt in his last relationship--I also was hurt in my last relationship. What can I do so he will take a leap of faith and not hold back? Is this a sign that he may not be into me? We see each other 3 times a week on average and talk daily. I really am into him--please help me out.
VictorM's advice:
Two months and he still doesn't want to jump into a relationship? That's bullshit. Getting hurt has nothing to do with this; he's just not sure about you yet and he won't be sure about you enough to make a commitment as long as he gets from you what he wants, namely sex and company. If you're giving him what he wants, why shouldn't he take it and still keep his options open?
If you think about it, you're the one who needs a leap of faith. Stop acting like a girlfriend if you're not one. Then he'll either commit or move on.
The ball is on your court.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I started dating a guy 2 months ago. He tells me he really likes me but doesn't want to jump in too fast because he got hurt in his last relationship--I also was hurt in my last relationship. What can I do so he will take a leap of faith and not hold back? Is this a sign that he may not be into me? We see each other 3 times a week on average and talk daily. I really am into him--please help me out.
VictorM's advice:
Two months and he still doesn't want to jump into a relationship? That's bullshit. Getting hurt has nothing to do with this; he's just not sure about you yet and he won't be sure about you enough to make a commitment as long as he gets from you what he wants, namely sex and company. If you're giving him what he wants, why shouldn't he take it and still keep his options open?
If you think about it, you're the one who needs a leap of faith. Stop acting like a girlfriend if you're not one. Then he'll either commit or move on.
The ball is on your court.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Moni, Moni
moni, 11, from mtpleasant tx asks:
i made a bet with my friends that who could take a boy to our dance in scool and i do not know how to ask the boy i want
VictorM's answer:
Hey moni, I was wondering when you were going to submit a question to me. I was starting to feel ignored.
Anyway, asking a boy out is pretty simple, really. Walk up to the boy and say: "Will you go to the dance with me?"
Oh wait... you're in Texas. Better ask in Spanish.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
i made a bet with my friends that who could take a boy to our dance in scool and i do not know how to ask the boy i want
VictorM's answer:
Hey moni, I was wondering when you were going to submit a question to me. I was starting to feel ignored.
Anyway, asking a boy out is pretty simple, really. Walk up to the boy and say: "Will you go to the dance with me?"
Oh wait... you're in Texas. Better ask in Spanish.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, September 25, 2006
The bowlers
shae, 15, from: ok t town asks:
Okay there is this guy...he bowls with me on a league every week! Well, he is always standing near me talking to me and putting his hat on my head! I am pretty sure he is flirting but I am not sure if he is or not... people think he likes me but I don't know how to tell if he does or not. I like him a lot but I don't want to tell him unless I know he likes me. How do I tell if he likes me?
VictorM's advice:
Does he flirt with other girls or just you? Do you see him pulling the hat trick on other girls too? If it's just with you, then yeah, you can be sure he likes you, but if he flirts with other girls than you can't be so sure. Ask him: "Do you like me?"
Don't tell him you like him; he'll most likely lose interest. Just torment him with your own flirting.
*Warning: corny joke coming*
You two better be careful; bowlers have their mind in the gutter.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Okay there is this guy...he bowls with me on a league every week! Well, he is always standing near me talking to me and putting his hat on my head! I am pretty sure he is flirting but I am not sure if he is or not... people think he likes me but I don't know how to tell if he does or not. I like him a lot but I don't want to tell him unless I know he likes me. How do I tell if he likes me?
VictorM's advice:
Does he flirt with other girls or just you? Do you see him pulling the hat trick on other girls too? If it's just with you, then yeah, you can be sure he likes you, but if he flirts with other girls than you can't be so sure. Ask him: "Do you like me?"
Don't tell him you like him; he'll most likely lose interest. Just torment him with your own flirting.
*Warning: corny joke coming*
You two better be careful; bowlers have their mind in the gutter.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, September 24, 2006
He never came
confused, 22, from brooklyn asks:
I recently started talking to this guy online. He seemed very nice and interesting.. We spoke on the phone and the chemistry was there. Today I was at the gym and called him from there asking him if he wanted to come. He said sure "I'll be there in 20 minutes".. he called me when he was on the way and I asked him to call me when he got there. To make a long story short, he never came, and never called, and when I called to find out what happened he didn't even pick up. I don't understand why he said he was going to come and then stood me up and why did he waste both of our time?
VictorM's advice:
Strange indeed. Maybe he got hit by a cab or a bus. Maybe some dog ate his phone and he couldn't find the gym. Maybe one of the other girls he chats with made him a better offer. If you were going to meet him for the first time, maybe he's not really who he said he was in which case you'll never hear from him again. But it's possible that something bad happened to him on the way there. I suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt until you know for sure what took place, otherwise you'll feel like a real jerk if you jump to the wrong conclusion.
In any case, if he's not dead or seriously maimed somewhere, I'd kill him if I were you. And in Brooklyn that's like a parking ticket kinda thing anyway.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I recently started talking to this guy online. He seemed very nice and interesting.. We spoke on the phone and the chemistry was there. Today I was at the gym and called him from there asking him if he wanted to come. He said sure "I'll be there in 20 minutes".. he called me when he was on the way and I asked him to call me when he got there. To make a long story short, he never came, and never called, and when I called to find out what happened he didn't even pick up. I don't understand why he said he was going to come and then stood me up and why did he waste both of our time?
VictorM's advice:
Strange indeed. Maybe he got hit by a cab or a bus. Maybe some dog ate his phone and he couldn't find the gym. Maybe one of the other girls he chats with made him a better offer. If you were going to meet him for the first time, maybe he's not really who he said he was in which case you'll never hear from him again. But it's possible that something bad happened to him on the way there. I suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt until you know for sure what took place, otherwise you'll feel like a real jerk if you jump to the wrong conclusion.
In any case, if he's not dead or seriously maimed somewhere, I'd kill him if I were you. And in Brooklyn that's like a parking ticket kinda thing anyway.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Sorry for being an asshole
Rebecca, 20, from SA asks:
Before I got your response to my last question, I actually got a text from the guy: a really long message apologising for his behaviour over the last however many weeks, saying I deserved a much better response to my friendship and that he was so embarassed about his lack of contact with me and how he'd treated me, but that his life is really messed up at the moment etc etc...he then said that he was sorry for being an asshole (his words), and that he did want to be friends. I think it was sincere, so I said, ok, that I had felt a bit hurt by his behaviour sometimes but that I did still want to be his friend. This is all, like, a week ago. And I haven't heard from him since. What is up with this guy? Now I'm wondering if he just said all that so I wouldn't notice that he's still acting the same way anyway. Maybe he just wants me as his backup booty, and so doesn't want to burn his bridges with me. Or, is this just a typical guy behaviour, where it's like, "ok, cool, she said she'd be friends, now everything's fine and I don't have to do anything else"? Maybe I'm expecting too much. I know you think the whole thing's a bad idea, and while I respect your advice, I also know that you don't know the whole situation, and I think both of us are mature enough to move past what happened. I also don't believe he'd say those things if he didn't want anything to do with me. But, for now, I'm a bit stumped as to what to do.
VictorM's advice:
Everything about his behavior and words is consistant with a guy that's not into you. He doesn't want to break your heart by saying it directly to you. Guys hate confrontations with girls, guys hate to make girls cry, guys hate to think the girls will slander them to the girls' other friends making him toxic to them. Believe me, he would say ANYTHING to make sure you don't go mental on him. ANYTHING!
He doesn't really want to be your friend; that's just his way of saying he doesn't want to be your enemy.
Your ability to ignore the obvious is taking the best of you. There's nothing to be stumped about: this guy does not want you. Find one that does.
I need not know the whole situation to know your insistance on being friends with him is a mistake.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Before I got your response to my last question, I actually got a text from the guy: a really long message apologising for his behaviour over the last however many weeks, saying I deserved a much better response to my friendship and that he was so embarassed about his lack of contact with me and how he'd treated me, but that his life is really messed up at the moment etc etc...he then said that he was sorry for being an asshole (his words), and that he did want to be friends. I think it was sincere, so I said, ok, that I had felt a bit hurt by his behaviour sometimes but that I did still want to be his friend. This is all, like, a week ago. And I haven't heard from him since. What is up with this guy? Now I'm wondering if he just said all that so I wouldn't notice that he's still acting the same way anyway. Maybe he just wants me as his backup booty, and so doesn't want to burn his bridges with me. Or, is this just a typical guy behaviour, where it's like, "ok, cool, she said she'd be friends, now everything's fine and I don't have to do anything else"? Maybe I'm expecting too much. I know you think the whole thing's a bad idea, and while I respect your advice, I also know that you don't know the whole situation, and I think both of us are mature enough to move past what happened. I also don't believe he'd say those things if he didn't want anything to do with me. But, for now, I'm a bit stumped as to what to do.
VictorM's advice:
Everything about his behavior and words is consistant with a guy that's not into you. He doesn't want to break your heart by saying it directly to you. Guys hate confrontations with girls, guys hate to make girls cry, guys hate to think the girls will slander them to the girls' other friends making him toxic to them. Believe me, he would say ANYTHING to make sure you don't go mental on him. ANYTHING!
He doesn't really want to be your friend; that's just his way of saying he doesn't want to be your enemy.
Your ability to ignore the obvious is taking the best of you. There's nothing to be stumped about: this guy does not want you. Find one that does.
I need not know the whole situation to know your insistance on being friends with him is a mistake.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Mister Sweet
Tiffany Smith, 18, from St. Louis, MO asks:
I'm shy and I have never dated before because the guys I have liked always turned me down and most of them turned me down hard. I recently met a guy who is sweet. I'm not sure if he will be sweet to me. How can I probably ask him out or just talk to him. I need help fast!!
VictorM's advice:
You can't be that shy if you've asked boys out before. Getting turned down is part of life -- it happens to most people at one time or another.
I suggest that you don't ask Mr. Sweet out. Be his friend, get to know more about him, be nice to him, and ease your way in. Get to know his interests and spend time with him. Your odds of going out with him will be better this way.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm shy and I have never dated before because the guys I have liked always turned me down and most of them turned me down hard. I recently met a guy who is sweet. I'm not sure if he will be sweet to me. How can I probably ask him out or just talk to him. I need help fast!!
VictorM's advice:
You can't be that shy if you've asked boys out before. Getting turned down is part of life -- it happens to most people at one time or another.
I suggest that you don't ask Mr. Sweet out. Be his friend, get to know more about him, be nice to him, and ease your way in. Get to know his interests and spend time with him. Your odds of going out with him will be better this way.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, September 22, 2006
Single Mother
Tabitha, 26, from Elmira, NY asks:
I am a 26 year old just recently single mother of 3 boys. Their father cheated and I gave him a second chance and then after that found out that he had gone to court for paternity for her 1 1/2 year old child. We were together for 7, almost 8 years. Everything always went his way, he isolated me from all friends and tried with my family. I finally asked him to leave but now is trying to get me back and I don't want him back. He wants to see the kids all the time and I feel that it is just so that he can see me. Every time that I take the kids to him he cries and begs me to take him back and tries telling me how I feel. He also starts crying and begging me not to take the kids home with me in front of them. They are having a hard time and he is making it worse. I don't know how to make him understand that he messed up, I am not going to deal with it and that he is making it worse for the kids than it needs to be. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't seem to be the type to be that concerned about doing the right thing, so I doubt he'll understand what he's doing to the kids.
You have to cut out contact with him. If possible, have a relative or reliable friend take the kids and pick them up. Stay out of his sight as much as possible. He is their father and should see them but he doesn't have to see you. Also, get his visiting hours set to specific days and exact times. If possible, see a lawyer to work this out through the courts. This way, both of you will know exactly at what time the kids need to be picked-up and you can make arrangements to make sure the kids are handled safely but without contact between you and him.
What he wants most is your attention -- don't give it to him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am a 26 year old just recently single mother of 3 boys. Their father cheated and I gave him a second chance and then after that found out that he had gone to court for paternity for her 1 1/2 year old child. We were together for 7, almost 8 years. Everything always went his way, he isolated me from all friends and tried with my family. I finally asked him to leave but now is trying to get me back and I don't want him back. He wants to see the kids all the time and I feel that it is just so that he can see me. Every time that I take the kids to him he cries and begs me to take him back and tries telling me how I feel. He also starts crying and begging me not to take the kids home with me in front of them. They are having a hard time and he is making it worse. I don't know how to make him understand that he messed up, I am not going to deal with it and that he is making it worse for the kids than it needs to be. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
He doesn't seem to be the type to be that concerned about doing the right thing, so I doubt he'll understand what he's doing to the kids.
You have to cut out contact with him. If possible, have a relative or reliable friend take the kids and pick them up. Stay out of his sight as much as possible. He is their father and should see them but he doesn't have to see you. Also, get his visiting hours set to specific days and exact times. If possible, see a lawyer to work this out through the courts. This way, both of you will know exactly at what time the kids need to be picked-up and you can make arrangements to make sure the kids are handled safely but without contact between you and him.
What he wants most is your attention -- don't give it to him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Relationship Ender
Is it Over, 25, from Texas asks:
ARguy, I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years now. We don't fight THAT much but when we do it's HUGE. He has anger managment issues and gets mad very easily. I have slapped him in the past. And just recently we had a huge fight at his bar (work) and I slapped him, because he was in my face yelling at me in front of A LOT of people. Needless to say we both screamed "GOODBYE". I guess my question is, Is he hurting as much as I am? We really did love each other. And does a guy REALLY see that as a relationship ENDER?
VictorM's advice:
I think guys have a lower tolerance for continued fighting. When guys fight with each other, we call each other's mother's names or we "go outside", push and shove, and then... it's over. We get a beer together. Not so when females are involved. It goes on and on and on and on. It's tiring as hell. So, could fighting be a relationship ender? You bet! Does he hurt? Yes, he does.
The HUGE fights are not just anger management problems, they are mostly about control. You two -- yeah, you have serious problems with the slapping thing -- behave like little kids and once one of you is insulted, it becomes a fight for control. Part of that control is pushing the other's button that makes the other go over the top. When he yells in your face, he craves the control. When you slap him, you give it to him. But of course, you both lose.
This kind of behavior, specially if you don't fight a lot, can be corrected. It would be a shame to throw out an otherwise good relationship over this. If you can afford it, you two should see a therapist. You really can get this under control with the right help.
On this page there's little I can do. I can't do anything about his yelling (that's what the therapist would be for) but I can offer a suggestion for you to stop the slapping and retain control.
In your mind, play back the events that led to the last slap. Think hard about what he was saying, then imagine your hand moving in slow motion to his face. Now, just before it strikes his face, pause. Whatever he said that lead you to this point is what makes you lose control. Now, again in your mind, what could he have said at that moment that would stop you from making contact with his face? That's what you need to think about to retain control.
For example, let's say he knows you hate being called a slut. When he's fighting with you and wants to hurt you (take control of the argument) he calls you that name. You have to recognize that he's saying that just to push your button. So, say to yourself "play for control". Use those words as your keywords to recognize what he's after. And instead of slapping him, retain control by saying: "If it makes you happy to think I'm a slut (or whatever the insult he's making), go ahead, but I know it's not true." Then, walk away.
The thing is, you don't need him to tell you that you're not a slut to know you're not one. And you know that whatever insults he levels at you, he doesn't really mean because otherwise, you wouldn't be together. So, learn to recognize his play for control, and deny him that control.
Believe me, the first time you do it and it works, you're going to feel like Superwoman. But don't forget -- you two still need professional help to stop you from getting this far.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
ARguy, I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years now. We don't fight THAT much but when we do it's HUGE. He has anger managment issues and gets mad very easily. I have slapped him in the past. And just recently we had a huge fight at his bar (work) and I slapped him, because he was in my face yelling at me in front of A LOT of people. Needless to say we both screamed "GOODBYE". I guess my question is, Is he hurting as much as I am? We really did love each other. And does a guy REALLY see that as a relationship ENDER?
VictorM's advice:
I think guys have a lower tolerance for continued fighting. When guys fight with each other, we call each other's mother's names or we "go outside", push and shove, and then... it's over. We get a beer together. Not so when females are involved. It goes on and on and on and on. It's tiring as hell. So, could fighting be a relationship ender? You bet! Does he hurt? Yes, he does.
The HUGE fights are not just anger management problems, they are mostly about control. You two -- yeah, you have serious problems with the slapping thing -- behave like little kids and once one of you is insulted, it becomes a fight for control. Part of that control is pushing the other's button that makes the other go over the top. When he yells in your face, he craves the control. When you slap him, you give it to him. But of course, you both lose.
This kind of behavior, specially if you don't fight a lot, can be corrected. It would be a shame to throw out an otherwise good relationship over this. If you can afford it, you two should see a therapist. You really can get this under control with the right help.
On this page there's little I can do. I can't do anything about his yelling (that's what the therapist would be for) but I can offer a suggestion for you to stop the slapping and retain control.
In your mind, play back the events that led to the last slap. Think hard about what he was saying, then imagine your hand moving in slow motion to his face. Now, just before it strikes his face, pause. Whatever he said that lead you to this point is what makes you lose control. Now, again in your mind, what could he have said at that moment that would stop you from making contact with his face? That's what you need to think about to retain control.
For example, let's say he knows you hate being called a slut. When he's fighting with you and wants to hurt you (take control of the argument) he calls you that name. You have to recognize that he's saying that just to push your button. So, say to yourself "play for control". Use those words as your keywords to recognize what he's after. And instead of slapping him, retain control by saying: "If it makes you happy to think I'm a slut (or whatever the insult he's making), go ahead, but I know it's not true." Then, walk away.
The thing is, you don't need him to tell you that you're not a slut to know you're not one. And you know that whatever insults he levels at you, he doesn't really mean because otherwise, you wouldn't be together. So, learn to recognize his play for control, and deny him that control.
Believe me, the first time you do it and it works, you're going to feel like Superwoman. But don't forget -- you two still need professional help to stop you from getting this far.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Dating a Friend's Ex
esther, 18, from ohio asks:
I ambiguously confessed to a friend that Ii like him while I was dating his friend. He pretended not to know what I was talking about, but about 3 months later he brought it up and said that before I dated his friend he would have said yes if I had asked him out and joked that now I'd regret forever that I didn't ask him out before all the complication with his friend. Now like a half a year later, I sometimes feel like he's pushing me away but at the same time he also still flirts like a little kid who has a crush. Or maybe he plays around because he feels like I'm his sister. I don't fit the type of girls he usually likes, they're I guess more girly than I am. Can you please tell me how much the "don't date your friend's ex" affects guy's decisions and guess if he has any feelings for me? thanks
VictorM's advice:
Unless your ex is still very much in love with you, guys don't worry too much about dating their friend's ex. At least nothing like girls do. And if so much time has gone by, then I would think it's even less of a concern.
I just think this guy doesn't like you "like that". Frankly, I'm not sure he likes much at all. He knows he has control over you, so he can flirt all he wants. That flirting isn't a sign that he likes you; it's a sign he doesn't respect you too much because he's just playing games. He probably doesn't think highly of you because you talked about liking him while still dating his friend. Not exactly the quality a guy looks for in a girl. He says you'll regret forever not having asked him, but that's bullshit -- he's just being a little prick.
Be thankful things didn't work out with him; he sounds like a jerk.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I ambiguously confessed to a friend that Ii like him while I was dating his friend. He pretended not to know what I was talking about, but about 3 months later he brought it up and said that before I dated his friend he would have said yes if I had asked him out and joked that now I'd regret forever that I didn't ask him out before all the complication with his friend. Now like a half a year later, I sometimes feel like he's pushing me away but at the same time he also still flirts like a little kid who has a crush. Or maybe he plays around because he feels like I'm his sister. I don't fit the type of girls he usually likes, they're I guess more girly than I am. Can you please tell me how much the "don't date your friend's ex" affects guy's decisions and guess if he has any feelings for me? thanks
VictorM's advice:
Unless your ex is still very much in love with you, guys don't worry too much about dating their friend's ex. At least nothing like girls do. And if so much time has gone by, then I would think it's even less of a concern.
I just think this guy doesn't like you "like that". Frankly, I'm not sure he likes much at all. He knows he has control over you, so he can flirt all he wants. That flirting isn't a sign that he likes you; it's a sign he doesn't respect you too much because he's just playing games. He probably doesn't think highly of you because you talked about liking him while still dating his friend. Not exactly the quality a guy looks for in a girl. He says you'll regret forever not having asked him, but that's bullshit -- he's just being a little prick.
Be thankful things didn't work out with him; he sounds like a jerk.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, September 18, 2006
Handshake
Sue-Jin, 18, from Kitchener, ON, CAN asks:
I was wondering, there is this guy and we met last week. Whenever we talk at the end of our conversation, he would always give me a handshake. He did that three times this week. Does he like me? I know that, usually, when a person does a handshake, it means when they first meet them, and it was nice meeting them.
VictorM’s answer:
I don’t think you can draw any conclusions from a handshake. A lot probably depends on his cultural background, I suppose. A handshake sounds too business-like, but it could also be that he feels a little awkward around you and shy to push anything further. So a handshake is at least physical contact, which may be his way of telling you he likes.
But, I don’t know, it seems to me it might just be a polite gesture and nothing else.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was wondering, there is this guy and we met last week. Whenever we talk at the end of our conversation, he would always give me a handshake. He did that three times this week. Does he like me? I know that, usually, when a person does a handshake, it means when they first meet them, and it was nice meeting them.
VictorM’s answer:
I don’t think you can draw any conclusions from a handshake. A lot probably depends on his cultural background, I suppose. A handshake sounds too business-like, but it could also be that he feels a little awkward around you and shy to push anything further. So a handshake is at least physical contact, which may be his way of telling you he likes.
But, I don’t know, it seems to me it might just be a polite gesture and nothing else.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wendy, part 3
VictorM’s note: Wendy wrote to us a while back because she was meeting her boyfriend’s family and she was a little apprehensive because he’s 24 years her senior.
WENDY, 31, from WISCONSIN says:
I just wanted to let you know that my trip to meet the relatives was wonderful, they were all very friendly too me. I went to lunch and shopping with two of his sisters, and felt a little out of my element since I was in the middle of nowhere!! But, I was treated very well and had a great time. Everyone in the family knows now that my boyfriend has a girlfriend that is 24 years younger. We really make a great couple and he doesn't look his age at all. Every one of my friends was asking "do you think he will propose" and I said no I don't think so. Well, he didn't. But, I am in the right direction I suppose, I never am good at dealing with the opposite sex....so, in any event, I am taking it one day at a time. Thanks.
VictorM’s comment:
Hey Wendy, thanks for taking the time to fill us in. I’m very happy for you that things went so well.
WENDY, 31, from WISCONSIN says:
I just wanted to let you know that my trip to meet the relatives was wonderful, they were all very friendly too me. I went to lunch and shopping with two of his sisters, and felt a little out of my element since I was in the middle of nowhere!! But, I was treated very well and had a great time. Everyone in the family knows now that my boyfriend has a girlfriend that is 24 years younger. We really make a great couple and he doesn't look his age at all. Every one of my friends was asking "do you think he will propose" and I said no I don't think so. Well, he didn't. But, I am in the right direction I suppose, I never am good at dealing with the opposite sex....so, in any event, I am taking it one day at a time. Thanks.
VictorM’s comment:
Hey Wendy, thanks for taking the time to fill us in. I’m very happy for you that things went so well.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
He stopped flirting
Letet, 20, from spain asks:
I have this classmate, he is good looking, smart, and has a great economic status, you can say he has the whole package. When we first met I was not interested in him at all, and he kept flirting with me non stop, I was getting really annoyed so finally I snapped at him and said you're all talk and no action. Then he changed completely, he straightforward told me he was attracted to me and that he wanted a date, and then he asked me in front of 15 people if I was attracted to him. I was very embarrassed and refused to answer, well this kept going for a week, with every day asking me out and me rejecting him, well not really rejecting more like saying I'll think about it and I'll answer later. Well now it's been another week and I think I like him and it's NOW that he got the previous hint and has stopped completely flirting with me. Now I want to go out with him, how do I make my move? Should I be forward like he was? Should I ask him if his offer is still standing? Or should I wait for him to start up again?
VictorM's advice:
You should do none of the three things you asked. A great deal of his attraction and pursuit of you is because you made yourself a challenge to him. To give that up now would spoil it for him, and eventually, for you. Right now, he's like a car that came to a complete stop in a downhill slope. It takes very little to get that car rolling again. So, what will it take to get him rolling with attention over you? Next to nothing, really: a smile, a small compliment, being friendly, a mention that you're going to see a certain movie and if he wants to, you two can go see it together (be careful how you phrase it, do not ask him on a date).
But, don't expect him to react right away. His ego is bruised and he may be willing to play a little hard to get now. That's OK. You just keep up with the small gestures of interest. Eventually, he won't be able to resist you.
Don't worry about a slow build-up. This approach is fun and rewarding.
Just be careful with the idea that because he has the looks and his parents have money that he's the whole package. Disappointment often follows when people think like that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have this classmate, he is good looking, smart, and has a great economic status, you can say he has the whole package. When we first met I was not interested in him at all, and he kept flirting with me non stop, I was getting really annoyed so finally I snapped at him and said you're all talk and no action. Then he changed completely, he straightforward told me he was attracted to me and that he wanted a date, and then he asked me in front of 15 people if I was attracted to him. I was very embarrassed and refused to answer, well this kept going for a week, with every day asking me out and me rejecting him, well not really rejecting more like saying I'll think about it and I'll answer later. Well now it's been another week and I think I like him and it's NOW that he got the previous hint and has stopped completely flirting with me. Now I want to go out with him, how do I make my move? Should I be forward like he was? Should I ask him if his offer is still standing? Or should I wait for him to start up again?
VictorM's advice:
You should do none of the three things you asked. A great deal of his attraction and pursuit of you is because you made yourself a challenge to him. To give that up now would spoil it for him, and eventually, for you. Right now, he's like a car that came to a complete stop in a downhill slope. It takes very little to get that car rolling again. So, what will it take to get him rolling with attention over you? Next to nothing, really: a smile, a small compliment, being friendly, a mention that you're going to see a certain movie and if he wants to, you two can go see it together (be careful how you phrase it, do not ask him on a date).
But, don't expect him to react right away. His ego is bruised and he may be willing to play a little hard to get now. That's OK. You just keep up with the small gestures of interest. Eventually, he won't be able to resist you.
Don't worry about a slow build-up. This approach is fun and rewarding.
Just be careful with the idea that because he has the looks and his parents have money that he's the whole package. Disappointment often follows when people think like that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Rebecca, part 5
Rebecca, 20, from South Africa asks:
Hi Victor, It's me again. I just wanted to ask something related to my previous problem (or, rather, string of problems). I've come to terms with the fact that I can't be with this guy. I can see that given his current situation, it wouldn't work. That said, I would still really like to be friends with him, because we had such a good time hanging out before this all happened. After he told me he couldn't be involved with anyone right now, I said I understood, but that I didn't want things to be weird between us and that I'd still like to be friends. I haven't heard from him since, but don't know if that means he's not keen or if he's just doing his usual "I'll reply when I remember to" thing (probably why he wouldn't be a good boyfriend right now :) Anyway...just to contextualise this question, I work in a bookstore. He knows I work there, because we've spoken to each other when I've been at work. So when I arrived for work today I noticed he was having coffee with a friend at the place opposite the store. I decided not to approach him, because I'm still not sure if he even wants to speak to me, so I went in to work. Then he and his friend came into the store, and he must have seen me, but he didn't even say hello, or wave, or anything! I would have thought that if he wanted to avoid me, he would avoid the place where I work altogether, but why would he come in and then ignore me? I thought maybe he thought I might be upset by seeing him, especially at work, but I'm not sure. I felt really hurt. In spite of all of this, I think if we could push past this awkwardness, we could be good friends. My problem is that I don't know how to approach this without seeming like I'm going all "fatal attraction" on him, and just trying to sneak in the back door. I respect that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, but I'd still like to see him in a friendly capacity. Sorry, that was really long. Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Rebecca, Rebecca, Rebecca... I admire your persistence, but it's time to face the cold, cruel, reality: this boy is not interested in you. Period. Full stop. End of story.
Forget about seeing him as a friend. It's a bad idea. First, he knows you have some kind of feelings for him so you can never be truly just friends. Second, the moment he finds a steady girlfriend you will be hurt no matter how he gives you the news and he will most likely not want to see you after that. Third, I really think he aims to avoid you. He doesn't want to date you, he doesn't want to be friends, he doesn't want to see you.
I know it's not easy, but Rebecca, you've got to leave this guy alone and start dating other guys. Yes, it may take a while before you find another guy that does it for you, but you will.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi Victor, It's me again. I just wanted to ask something related to my previous problem (or, rather, string of problems). I've come to terms with the fact that I can't be with this guy. I can see that given his current situation, it wouldn't work. That said, I would still really like to be friends with him, because we had such a good time hanging out before this all happened. After he told me he couldn't be involved with anyone right now, I said I understood, but that I didn't want things to be weird between us and that I'd still like to be friends. I haven't heard from him since, but don't know if that means he's not keen or if he's just doing his usual "I'll reply when I remember to" thing (probably why he wouldn't be a good boyfriend right now :) Anyway...just to contextualise this question, I work in a bookstore. He knows I work there, because we've spoken to each other when I've been at work. So when I arrived for work today I noticed he was having coffee with a friend at the place opposite the store. I decided not to approach him, because I'm still not sure if he even wants to speak to me, so I went in to work. Then he and his friend came into the store, and he must have seen me, but he didn't even say hello, or wave, or anything! I would have thought that if he wanted to avoid me, he would avoid the place where I work altogether, but why would he come in and then ignore me? I thought maybe he thought I might be upset by seeing him, especially at work, but I'm not sure. I felt really hurt. In spite of all of this, I think if we could push past this awkwardness, we could be good friends. My problem is that I don't know how to approach this without seeming like I'm going all "fatal attraction" on him, and just trying to sneak in the back door. I respect that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, but I'd still like to see him in a friendly capacity. Sorry, that was really long. Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Rebecca, Rebecca, Rebecca... I admire your persistence, but it's time to face the cold, cruel, reality: this boy is not interested in you. Period. Full stop. End of story.
Forget about seeing him as a friend. It's a bad idea. First, he knows you have some kind of feelings for him so you can never be truly just friends. Second, the moment he finds a steady girlfriend you will be hurt no matter how he gives you the news and he will most likely not want to see you after that. Third, I really think he aims to avoid you. He doesn't want to date you, he doesn't want to be friends, he doesn't want to see you.
I know it's not easy, but Rebecca, you've got to leave this guy alone and start dating other guys. Yes, it may take a while before you find another guy that does it for you, but you will.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, September 15, 2006
Ignited the spark
crystal, 26, from canada asks:
My boyfriend and I have had are ups and downs but have recently ignited the spark again. We love each other however he has a certain group of friends, one in particular who is really offensive and has a loud mouth, he was seemingly nice the first time I met him but my bf has always been worried about this fellow and I being drunk together as I can burn him just as well. Among this group of friends are about 6 guys and 9 girls(all taken). My bf says that they are very snobby and cliquey and have been known to be kind to your face then rude behind it. I have always been left out of stuff when it comes to these particular individuals coming from their hometown to visit or viceversa. I am told by my boyfriend that he never wants to find out that these particular individuals, who its safe to say are just his drinking friends, do not like me. I don't feel that is sufficient enough for me as it stresses me out and makes me feel like he is not proud of the sexy girl he dates. How should I approach him with this in a manner that is different from all the other times I have approached it and why does he say these particular friends he just wants for himself as he does me. Keep in mind that all his local friends love me and I am always more than welcome when it comes to them. I really would just like to find out what they are like and I am sure they would like me. But he his is very adamant about this never happening unless we get married someday. Keep in mind he is extremely trustworthy and very non sexual as far as cheating goes he is shy, insecure and has never cheated or had a one nighter in his life.
VictorM's advice:
So... your boyfriend has friends who get drunk and are snobby, cliquey, and two faced. He feels so insecure about their opinions and about you that he's afraid they may not like you and he can't stand that. Don't you realize that all of this says much more about your boyfriend than it says about his friends? It says is that your boyfriend is a weak, pathetic, spineless, superficial jerk.
But then, you are his girlfriend and you're in love with him. That begs the question, what does it all say about you? I'll let you fill-in the blanks.
Anyway, on to your question. Frankly, I don't know what you can say to a man who has no spine to make him realize the type of jerk he is. Well, that is, short of calling him a weak, pathetic, spineless, superficial jerk. Have you tried that yet?
If you don't like that suggestion, here's another one: use that spark you talk about to start a fire and roast his testicles to a golden brown color. If you do that, will it solve anything? Nah, but I would get a chuckle out of reading about it in the news. Just make sure you spell the name of this website correctly when the media interviews you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have had are ups and downs but have recently ignited the spark again. We love each other however he has a certain group of friends, one in particular who is really offensive and has a loud mouth, he was seemingly nice the first time I met him but my bf has always been worried about this fellow and I being drunk together as I can burn him just as well. Among this group of friends are about 6 guys and 9 girls(all taken). My bf says that they are very snobby and cliquey and have been known to be kind to your face then rude behind it. I have always been left out of stuff when it comes to these particular individuals coming from their hometown to visit or viceversa. I am told by my boyfriend that he never wants to find out that these particular individuals, who its safe to say are just his drinking friends, do not like me. I don't feel that is sufficient enough for me as it stresses me out and makes me feel like he is not proud of the sexy girl he dates. How should I approach him with this in a manner that is different from all the other times I have approached it and why does he say these particular friends he just wants for himself as he does me. Keep in mind that all his local friends love me and I am always more than welcome when it comes to them. I really would just like to find out what they are like and I am sure they would like me. But he his is very adamant about this never happening unless we get married someday. Keep in mind he is extremely trustworthy and very non sexual as far as cheating goes he is shy, insecure and has never cheated or had a one nighter in his life.
VictorM's advice:
So... your boyfriend has friends who get drunk and are snobby, cliquey, and two faced. He feels so insecure about their opinions and about you that he's afraid they may not like you and he can't stand that. Don't you realize that all of this says much more about your boyfriend than it says about his friends? It says is that your boyfriend is a weak, pathetic, spineless, superficial jerk.
But then, you are his girlfriend and you're in love with him. That begs the question, what does it all say about you? I'll let you fill-in the blanks.
Anyway, on to your question. Frankly, I don't know what you can say to a man who has no spine to make him realize the type of jerk he is. Well, that is, short of calling him a weak, pathetic, spineless, superficial jerk. Have you tried that yet?
If you don't like that suggestion, here's another one: use that spark you talk about to start a fire and roast his testicles to a golden brown color. If you do that, will it solve anything? Nah, but I would get a chuckle out of reading about it in the news. Just make sure you spell the name of this website correctly when the media interviews you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Friends with Benefits Mistake
vanessa, 16, from medford, oregon asks:
I went out with a guy and we broke up two years ago because his mom didn't like me so we ended things. And a year later he asked me to be his friends with benefits and I agreed. We did things together and people thought we were going out again. But I really like him and I don't know how to tell him. What should I do? Did I make a mistake on becoming his friends with benefits?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you made a big mistake. If nothing else, you proved his mother right. I don't know what her problem with you was, but you sure are giving her a reason now. Plus now you're just a fuck-around buddy for him, and believe me, guys don't get serious about girls they think will screw just about anybody. Yeah, I know, YOU know you wouldn't have sex with just anyone, but that's not what he's thinking.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I went out with a guy and we broke up two years ago because his mom didn't like me so we ended things. And a year later he asked me to be his friends with benefits and I agreed. We did things together and people thought we were going out again. But I really like him and I don't know how to tell him. What should I do? Did I make a mistake on becoming his friends with benefits?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you made a big mistake. If nothing else, you proved his mother right. I don't know what her problem with you was, but you sure are giving her a reason now. Plus now you're just a fuck-around buddy for him, and believe me, guys don't get serious about girls they think will screw just about anybody. Yeah, I know, YOU know you wouldn't have sex with just anyone, but that's not what he's thinking.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Grass is greener, part 2
VictorM's note: This is a follow-up to this question and answer.
Jamie, 25, from New Zealand asks:
I continued to hang out with Carl and then one night he sent me three texts that I did not answer as my phone was at home on charge. The last one said "does he still love you haha" that referred to my current boyfriend. Then the following night his texts totally changed to sarcastic. I asked him what was up and he said "you figure it out." I don't know what his agenda is but I have his jacket and have to find some way to return it. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
Clearly Carl is playing games with you. As he sees it, you're not the trusting type so why would he want to be serious about you? You're a boob if you continue to see Carl or put up with his games.
You got his jacket, so what? You don't have to return it; he has to come and get it if he wants it, or you can donate it to some charity. Or, better yet, use it to start a bonfire.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Jamie, 25, from New Zealand asks:
I continued to hang out with Carl and then one night he sent me three texts that I did not answer as my phone was at home on charge. The last one said "does he still love you haha" that referred to my current boyfriend. Then the following night his texts totally changed to sarcastic. I asked him what was up and he said "you figure it out." I don't know what his agenda is but I have his jacket and have to find some way to return it. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
Clearly Carl is playing games with you. As he sees it, you're not the trusting type so why would he want to be serious about you? You're a boob if you continue to see Carl or put up with his games.
You got his jacket, so what? You don't have to return it; he has to come and get it if he wants it, or you can donate it to some charity. Or, better yet, use it to start a bonfire.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Now he has a girlfriend
Tina, 20, from B asks:
This guy and myself went to high school together. I knew he liked me but wasn't ready for a relationship. Now he has a girlfriend. I've told him how I feel and he feels the same way but he said he has a girl. He called. I think I love him and the guy am going to married. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
"I think I love him". That doesn't sound so definite. But it doesn't matter.
He knows he doesn't feel the same about you -- doesn't matter what he says -- or else he would break-up with the other girl.
What should you do? Prepare yourself for disappointment.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
This guy and myself went to high school together. I knew he liked me but wasn't ready for a relationship. Now he has a girlfriend. I've told him how I feel and he feels the same way but he said he has a girl. He called. I think I love him and the guy am going to married. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
"I think I love him". That doesn't sound so definite. But it doesn't matter.
He knows he doesn't feel the same about you -- doesn't matter what he says -- or else he would break-up with the other girl.
What should you do? Prepare yourself for disappointment.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Started liking his friend
Amanda, 17, from Jupiter, FL asks:
Hi. :] Just 5 months ago me and my then boyfriend broke up because I started liking his friend. And all of our friends found out and it was quite a mess. I was in love with my ex boyfriend well at least I thought and he had hurt me a lot in the past but we were basically together for 2 years.
Then all of a sudden I really started to like his friend. I'd talk to him through email, then eventually the phone, we work together, and just one night by chance we ended up hanging out. And even after everyone found out we still talked. My ex said that it wouldn't bother him if we dated, but the new guy is still kinda iffy on that. He does want to date me. And he tells me all the time how much he likes me. We are together a lot and it's been like this for the last two months. He always tells me he "loves" things about me and he loves being with me.
Whenever the subject of him and I dating comes up he always says "I just don't know what to do," which makes me feel like he is questioning his feelings for me. Although he says that isn't it. I understand that risking all his friends for me is a really hard thing to do. I just don't know if I should tell him that he has to make a decision or should I just be patient? I don't want to rush him into anything that he'd be unhappy with, because honestly all I want to do is be with him.
How can I get him to make a decision so I don't have to keep hanging on if the decision is to not be with me?
VictorM's advice:
Does his indecision mean he's not convinced you're "the one"? Could be, but it doesn't have to be. He may have other concerns, after all, you went from being in love with his friend to being in love with him rather suddenly and that might suggest to him that you may be a person of fleeting feelings. If you change your mind again he'll be without you and without his friends (if your relationship was out in the open).
He may be willing to take that chance, but only if he has to. Guys will straddle the relationship fence if they can get all the benefits of a relationship without committing. And for a guy, that means physical pleasure. So I suggest that if you accept his indecision -- putting pressure on him will most likely backfire anyway -- that you cut out making-out and sex (if that is going on). It is very fair for you to behave like a girlfriend only when you are a couple. Until then, he can enjoy your friendship, but nothing more.
Trust me, do that and he will get off the fence. Which side he decides to go to I can't say, but at least you will know where you stand.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi. :] Just 5 months ago me and my then boyfriend broke up because I started liking his friend. And all of our friends found out and it was quite a mess. I was in love with my ex boyfriend well at least I thought and he had hurt me a lot in the past but we were basically together for 2 years.
Then all of a sudden I really started to like his friend. I'd talk to him through email, then eventually the phone, we work together, and just one night by chance we ended up hanging out. And even after everyone found out we still talked. My ex said that it wouldn't bother him if we dated, but the new guy is still kinda iffy on that. He does want to date me. And he tells me all the time how much he likes me. We are together a lot and it's been like this for the last two months. He always tells me he "loves" things about me and he loves being with me.
Whenever the subject of him and I dating comes up he always says "I just don't know what to do," which makes me feel like he is questioning his feelings for me. Although he says that isn't it. I understand that risking all his friends for me is a really hard thing to do. I just don't know if I should tell him that he has to make a decision or should I just be patient? I don't want to rush him into anything that he'd be unhappy with, because honestly all I want to do is be with him.
How can I get him to make a decision so I don't have to keep hanging on if the decision is to not be with me?
VictorM's advice:
Does his indecision mean he's not convinced you're "the one"? Could be, but it doesn't have to be. He may have other concerns, after all, you went from being in love with his friend to being in love with him rather suddenly and that might suggest to him that you may be a person of fleeting feelings. If you change your mind again he'll be without you and without his friends (if your relationship was out in the open).
He may be willing to take that chance, but only if he has to. Guys will straddle the relationship fence if they can get all the benefits of a relationship without committing. And for a guy, that means physical pleasure. So I suggest that if you accept his indecision -- putting pressure on him will most likely backfire anyway -- that you cut out making-out and sex (if that is going on). It is very fair for you to behave like a girlfriend only when you are a couple. Until then, he can enjoy your friendship, but nothing more.
Trust me, do that and he will get off the fence. Which side he decides to go to I can't say, but at least you will know where you stand.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Teen porn
Lola, 28, from Miami asks:
Lately I have found more and more porn sites on my computer. Some of these sites being teen porn. I confronted my boyfriend about this and his response was that the girls were not actually teens, only young looking girls. I don't have a problem with porn but I worry that he may be taking it a little too far. Am I overreacting?
VictorM's advice:
Since you said you don't have a problem with porn, I take it your question about overreacting refers to the age of the models. If I'm misinterpreting your question, please write back.
While some websites from some countries are known to actually use underage girls, most comply with the 18+ rules. And since the whole porn thing is, for most guys, pure fantasy, frankly, who wants to fantasize with cellulite, sagging boobs, and flabby skin? So naturally, it is the tight bodies of younger girls that are the major attraction. The term "teen" in porn is a marketing tool that usually means girls from 18 to mid 20's, and yes, they are often dressed and made up to look younger. And while older woman can look great, the popularity of the "Barely Legal" and "Girls Gone Wild" series have contributed to most money being spent on productions with girls in that age group.
This age group is very popular because, in addition to the reasons given above, it brings guys to senior year in high school or their college years, which is where for most the sexual experiences begin. It's a way of staying connected to a time period that for most of us was quite exciting.
So, if you accept him viewing porn, it would follow that "teen" models are the most popular and the ones most likely to fulfill the fantasies of most men. It's safe to say that within the porn viewing public, your boyfriend is quite normal.
There is an important clarification I want to make. The term "teen" in porn has come to represent those girls with tight bodies in the 18 to 20's range, not underage girls. I believe this is a big distinction and maybe what is at the heart of your question.
One other thing you should keep in mind. Visiting porn websites will most likely load your computer with tracking worms, hijacks, and viruses. You're running the risk that your computer is not safe. Make him aware of that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Lately I have found more and more porn sites on my computer. Some of these sites being teen porn. I confronted my boyfriend about this and his response was that the girls were not actually teens, only young looking girls. I don't have a problem with porn but I worry that he may be taking it a little too far. Am I overreacting?
VictorM's advice:
Since you said you don't have a problem with porn, I take it your question about overreacting refers to the age of the models. If I'm misinterpreting your question, please write back.
While some websites from some countries are known to actually use underage girls, most comply with the 18+ rules. And since the whole porn thing is, for most guys, pure fantasy, frankly, who wants to fantasize with cellulite, sagging boobs, and flabby skin? So naturally, it is the tight bodies of younger girls that are the major attraction. The term "teen" in porn is a marketing tool that usually means girls from 18 to mid 20's, and yes, they are often dressed and made up to look younger. And while older woman can look great, the popularity of the "Barely Legal" and "Girls Gone Wild" series have contributed to most money being spent on productions with girls in that age group.
This age group is very popular because, in addition to the reasons given above, it brings guys to senior year in high school or their college years, which is where for most the sexual experiences begin. It's a way of staying connected to a time period that for most of us was quite exciting.
So, if you accept him viewing porn, it would follow that "teen" models are the most popular and the ones most likely to fulfill the fantasies of most men. It's safe to say that within the porn viewing public, your boyfriend is quite normal.
There is an important clarification I want to make. The term "teen" in porn has come to represent those girls with tight bodies in the 18 to 20's range, not underage girls. I believe this is a big distinction and maybe what is at the heart of your question.
One other thing you should keep in mind. Visiting porn websites will most likely load your computer with tracking worms, hijacks, and viruses. You're running the risk that your computer is not safe. Make him aware of that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, September 11, 2006
Wishy washy
Tina, 31, from Ohio asks:
My boyfriend and I have dated off and on for the past 7 years. We started into a committed relationship a year ago and he is 8 years older than me. He started bringing up wanting kids but mainly when we were drinking. I thought I was pregnant a month ago and he started acting weird. He was very wishy washy about wanting to be with me. We were both glad that I wasn't pregnant but recently we met for dinner and he told me that he doesn't want kids and doesn't want to get married. He knows that I want these things in the future and doesn't want to hold me back. His mind changes from day to day on how he feels about everything so I don't know how I should take this.
VictorM's advice:
This is an easy one. Move on! The wishy washy is just a manipulative way of keeping you close, to enjoy your company and sex without the commitment. Having children is not something that you should be wishy washy about, specially at your age.
End this phony relationship and start spending your energies to find someone else that is neither wishy nor washy.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have dated off and on for the past 7 years. We started into a committed relationship a year ago and he is 8 years older than me. He started bringing up wanting kids but mainly when we were drinking. I thought I was pregnant a month ago and he started acting weird. He was very wishy washy about wanting to be with me. We were both glad that I wasn't pregnant but recently we met for dinner and he told me that he doesn't want kids and doesn't want to get married. He knows that I want these things in the future and doesn't want to hold me back. His mind changes from day to day on how he feels about everything so I don't know how I should take this.
VictorM's advice:
This is an easy one. Move on! The wishy washy is just a manipulative way of keeping you close, to enjoy your company and sex without the commitment. Having children is not something that you should be wishy washy about, specially at your age.
End this phony relationship and start spending your energies to find someone else that is neither wishy nor washy.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
So perfect, yet so difficult
SunGirl, 25, asks:
I have been in a wonderful relationship for a year now, the thing dream are made of. I never imagined something like this would happen to me. We both know and feel like this is it! But: we are members of two different confessions, two 'different' nationalities (which were engaged in a war not long ago). His family is very traditional and religious, mine is nearly atheistic but still my DAD and EVERYBODY would hate it. We’ve been keeping this a secret but I can’t do it anymore. I really feel anxious about it, recently with some somatic reactions. I want to tell my father but I don’t know how! Bare in mind he’s got the temperament, mind the disappointment in me…And I get it easy – my boyfriend can never tell his parents, he has to move out first. Oh what is to do?
VictorM's advice:
Wow, that is a tough one. I'm not so sure I have a good answer for you; I hope others reading this will offer their suggestions.
Often, people dislike or mistrust other groups in the abstract, but when dealing one on one they react differently. You may find that both your parents will react differently to meeting each of you than they do when they talk of your "nationalities" as a group. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part.
Ultimately, the longer you prolong this agony, the worst it'll get. I mean, you basically have two choices: break-up or tell the parents. The truth is, if you think about it, that your current situation is worst then either of those two. Since breaking-up sounds silly to me, you have to come out and tell them, and soon.
Stop thinking about what their reaction might be. You're getting yourself sick over it when in fact, you REALLY don't know how they will react; no one knows, not even them. No matter how bad they react, you can at least deal with that; instead, you're getting yourself sick over something that is an unknown without any specifics. If they object vehemently, at least they'll say why and you can rebut them, you can find allies, you can ask if your happiness is less important to them than their biases and prejudices. You can fight back! Fighting back is preferable because you externalize your emotions. It's keeping things inside that's making you sick.
I understand that your boyfriend could have worst consequences, but I say deal with your situation first. Cross the other bridge when you get to it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been in a wonderful relationship for a year now, the thing dream are made of. I never imagined something like this would happen to me. We both know and feel like this is it! But: we are members of two different confessions, two 'different' nationalities (which were engaged in a war not long ago). His family is very traditional and religious, mine is nearly atheistic but still my DAD and EVERYBODY would hate it. We’ve been keeping this a secret but I can’t do it anymore. I really feel anxious about it, recently with some somatic reactions. I want to tell my father but I don’t know how! Bare in mind he’s got the temperament, mind the disappointment in me…And I get it easy – my boyfriend can never tell his parents, he has to move out first. Oh what is to do?
VictorM's advice:
Wow, that is a tough one. I'm not so sure I have a good answer for you; I hope others reading this will offer their suggestions.
Often, people dislike or mistrust other groups in the abstract, but when dealing one on one they react differently. You may find that both your parents will react differently to meeting each of you than they do when they talk of your "nationalities" as a group. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part.
Ultimately, the longer you prolong this agony, the worst it'll get. I mean, you basically have two choices: break-up or tell the parents. The truth is, if you think about it, that your current situation is worst then either of those two. Since breaking-up sounds silly to me, you have to come out and tell them, and soon.
Stop thinking about what their reaction might be. You're getting yourself sick over it when in fact, you REALLY don't know how they will react; no one knows, not even them. No matter how bad they react, you can at least deal with that; instead, you're getting yourself sick over something that is an unknown without any specifics. If they object vehemently, at least they'll say why and you can rebut them, you can find allies, you can ask if your happiness is less important to them than their biases and prejudices. You can fight back! Fighting back is preferable because you externalize your emotions. It's keeping things inside that's making you sick.
I understand that your boyfriend could have worst consequences, but I say deal with your situation first. Cross the other bridge when you get to it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, September 10, 2006
A Bit Older
Cristy, 19, from USA asks:
I was wondering if you can give me your opinion. I like this guy that is a bit older than me and I know him because he dated my sister's boyfriend's mom. He is real sweet and it's weird talking to him but I fell in love with him. What do you think I should do? And now he was talking to me for about a year and he suddenly just stopped and wouldn't answer my messages since like 2 months ago! Why did this happen?
VictorM's advice:
Just because you fell in love with him doesn't mean he felt the same way about you. Maybe he has a girlfriend, maybe you're too young for him, I don't know. But if he used to talk nicely with you and now doesn't even return your messages, I'd say he's not interested in you. Maybe he was at some point, but he's not now.
What you should do is move on. Eat healthy, dress well, study/work, make friends, go out and have fun, meet new guys. There's nothing more attractive than a girl who carries on with optimism and confidence.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was wondering if you can give me your opinion. I like this guy that is a bit older than me and I know him because he dated my sister's boyfriend's mom. He is real sweet and it's weird talking to him but I fell in love with him. What do you think I should do? And now he was talking to me for about a year and he suddenly just stopped and wouldn't answer my messages since like 2 months ago! Why did this happen?
VictorM's advice:
Just because you fell in love with him doesn't mean he felt the same way about you. Maybe he has a girlfriend, maybe you're too young for him, I don't know. But if he used to talk nicely with you and now doesn't even return your messages, I'd say he's not interested in you. Maybe he was at some point, but he's not now.
What you should do is move on. Eat healthy, dress well, study/work, make friends, go out and have fun, meet new guys. There's nothing more attractive than a girl who carries on with optimism and confidence.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Love on the rocks
ASHLEY, 19, from BOCA RATON, FL asks:
I have a neighbor that is so nice, and respectful to girl's feelings and basically is perfect. Now here's the problem: I have a boyfriend but we are on the rocks and he knows it and I want to know if he is interested in me. Because I am just infatuated with him.
VictorM's advice:
Don't even think about Mister Perfect until you resolve your situation with your current boyfriend. Things don't need to be on the rocks with him for too long; if it's not working out for you, break-up! It's the smart and decent thing to do.
Now, Mister Perfect may or may not be as interested in you as you are in him. But if he's even remotely close to perfect, he'll have nothing to do with you as long as you have a boyfriend.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have a neighbor that is so nice, and respectful to girl's feelings and basically is perfect. Now here's the problem: I have a boyfriend but we are on the rocks and he knows it and I want to know if he is interested in me. Because I am just infatuated with him.
VictorM's advice:
Don't even think about Mister Perfect until you resolve your situation with your current boyfriend. Things don't need to be on the rocks with him for too long; if it's not working out for you, break-up! It's the smart and decent thing to do.
Now, Mister Perfect may or may not be as interested in you as you are in him. But if he's even remotely close to perfect, he'll have nothing to do with you as long as you have a boyfriend.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Beautiful Little Pink Butterfly Princess
brooke, 32, from canada asks:
Thanks for your past advice, it really interesting to hear your point of view. I have, which I consider a scary situation. A close friend of mine (age 34) meet this guy one week ago (let me repeat one week ago!!!!) they did not know each at all before, he's 46. The scary part is that they are getting married and trying to have a baby already. No she's not pregnant yet that's not why their getting married. Are these rational toughts for a guy? They don't even really know each other. Of course she will not listen to anybody saying to give it some time. Just to make you smile because it's funny he calls her his Beautiful Little Pink Butterfly Princess, what are we playing fairy tale now:}
VictorM's advice:
Yuck! Beautiful Little Pink Butterfly Princess? Someone needs to vomit on this guy!
This is when it should be legal to strap people to a pole and slap them silly. You have my permission to do it. :)
I'd say this guy is going throught a text book case of midlife crisis. Your friend may be the desperate 30-something woman who feels are best days are upon her. Either that or he's loaded (I mean either his bank account or his jeans).
But hey, wish them luck. Sometimes crazy things lead to amazing results. At this point, just wish them luck. If things fail, don't say I told you so. Be a good friend to her when she needs you the most. For now, heck, let her be happy.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thanks for your past advice, it really interesting to hear your point of view. I have, which I consider a scary situation. A close friend of mine (age 34) meet this guy one week ago (let me repeat one week ago!!!!) they did not know each at all before, he's 46. The scary part is that they are getting married and trying to have a baby already. No she's not pregnant yet that's not why their getting married. Are these rational toughts for a guy? They don't even really know each other. Of course she will not listen to anybody saying to give it some time. Just to make you smile because it's funny he calls her his Beautiful Little Pink Butterfly Princess, what are we playing fairy tale now:}
VictorM's advice:
Yuck! Beautiful Little Pink Butterfly Princess? Someone needs to vomit on this guy!
This is when it should be legal to strap people to a pole and slap them silly. You have my permission to do it. :)
I'd say this guy is going throught a text book case of midlife crisis. Your friend may be the desperate 30-something woman who feels are best days are upon her. Either that or he's loaded (I mean either his bank account or his jeans).
But hey, wish them luck. Sometimes crazy things lead to amazing results. At this point, just wish them luck. If things fail, don't say I told you so. Be a good friend to her when she needs you the most. For now, heck, let her be happy.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, September 08, 2006
Confidential to Miss O
VictorM's comment:
Holy crap! That had to be the longest submission I ever received!
You're making much out of nothing! Don't let yourself down by your current school situation. Turn it into a positive. Tell him the conditions under which you are where you are and ask if he can help you, maybe tutor you a bit since he's so smart.
Sounds like a great way to get to know each other. He'll love to come across to you as smart and he'll appreciate you for recognizing it and for wanting to do better.
Guys aren't nearly as judgmental about school results as you are thinking they are.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Holy crap! That had to be the longest submission I ever received!
You're making much out of nothing! Don't let yourself down by your current school situation. Turn it into a positive. Tell him the conditions under which you are where you are and ask if he can help you, maybe tutor you a bit since he's so smart.
Sounds like a great way to get to know each other. He'll love to come across to you as smart and he'll appreciate you for recognizing it and for wanting to do better.
Guys aren't nearly as judgmental about school results as you are thinking they are.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He's not ready, so he says
Heather, 19, from Burleson, TX asks:
OK I need to know what is keeping this guy I have been with for 8 months to get into a relationship. He keeps saying he is not ready for a relationship and we should just keep dating. Why?
VictorM's advice:
Because he's not fully into you. You're better than nothing but not quite "it". But you'll do for now, specially if you're willing to go along.
You're wasting your time with him, it'll go nowhere.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
OK I need to know what is keeping this guy I have been with for 8 months to get into a relationship. He keeps saying he is not ready for a relationship and we should just keep dating. Why?
VictorM's advice:
Because he's not fully into you. You're better than nothing but not quite "it". But you'll do for now, specially if you're willing to go along.
You're wasting your time with him, it'll go nowhere.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wants an American boyfriend
janny, 28, from Japan asks:
Hi, I love your forums. I stayed in America before for studying. Love the culture and American there. After I came back my own country for few years. I still miss my life there. I am not able to date Asian boy since then. I want to have an American husband. I don't know what is so into me. In fact, my green card is in process, and hope things work out fine. I just don't know how to find a date of my wish. It seems online dating is not trustful at all...well just wanna hear something from you. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Um... interesting. I'd love to hear what it is about Asian boys you dislike or why you like Americans.
But anyway, why don't you wait till you get your green card and come over. Once you're here, working, making friends, and living among Americans and many other cultures, you'll find out that Japanese girls are very much sough after and you'll have no problems getting men interested in you.
Online dating is fine, what I think it's a mistake is long distance relationships by people who only met online. But if you join dating sites for the purpose of finding local matches with the intention of meeting them in person, it's as good a way as any. Sure, sometimes people lie, but if you learn the right questions to ask you'll be able to weed out most liars.
You should join our forum (ARGville Forum) and talk to some of the women there to get their feedback.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi, I love your forums. I stayed in America before for studying. Love the culture and American there. After I came back my own country for few years. I still miss my life there. I am not able to date Asian boy since then. I want to have an American husband. I don't know what is so into me. In fact, my green card is in process, and hope things work out fine. I just don't know how to find a date of my wish. It seems online dating is not trustful at all...well just wanna hear something from you. Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Um... interesting. I'd love to hear what it is about Asian boys you dislike or why you like Americans.
But anyway, why don't you wait till you get your green card and come over. Once you're here, working, making friends, and living among Americans and many other cultures, you'll find out that Japanese girls are very much sough after and you'll have no problems getting men interested in you.
Online dating is fine, what I think it's a mistake is long distance relationships by people who only met online. But if you join dating sites for the purpose of finding local matches with the intention of meeting them in person, it's as good a way as any. Sure, sometimes people lie, but if you learn the right questions to ask you'll be able to weed out most liars.
You should join our forum (ARGville Forum) and talk to some of the women there to get their feedback.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Cuddle Buddies
LJ, 20, from america asks:
I have cuddled with a friend. Yes cuddle buddies... Our relationship is up in the air. I know he wouldn't use me for sex although we have come close to the action. I did ask him if he was attracted to me early on, he said yeah that it started years ago...but now I'm not so sure. He doesn't touch me... a hug here or a hand on the back there nothing like that... like I dunno did he decide he didn't want anything anymore or did I somewhere along the road turn him off. I like him. If he asked me out I wouldn't say no. He seems distant but then again I see his eyes. I'm not sure what they tell me... I don't know if he's inhibited about being with our friends together or I don't know if he's playing hard to get... Whatever it is it's driving me insane! Any thoughts on this? I am open ears..lemme guess - talk to him...lol yes communication...easier said than done though buddy....but any advice...that'd be great.
VictorM's advice:
Nah, don't talk to him -- that would be too easy! Happy now? :)
What would have changed for him to be attracted to you before but not now? Did you grow a second nose or something? Warts on your forehead? A third boob? (OK, strike that; I don't think any guy would mind a third boob.)
It's possible he's playing hard to get. Guys often do that expecting exactly what's happening to you, that is, you going insane with curiosity. But it could also be that he's outgrown the cuddling and wants more with you but thinks too highly of you to even try. You said you came close to the action... let me guess, you're the one that stopped it?
But the other option, and for my money the most likely, he's outgrown you as a romantic interest. It happens. And when love ends, even beauty fades. That would explain just a hug here and there and the distant look.
Too bad you don't want to talk to him about it; you'll go through life always in the dark about this. What a bummer!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have cuddled with a friend. Yes cuddle buddies... Our relationship is up in the air. I know he wouldn't use me for sex although we have come close to the action. I did ask him if he was attracted to me early on, he said yeah that it started years ago...but now I'm not so sure. He doesn't touch me... a hug here or a hand on the back there nothing like that... like I dunno did he decide he didn't want anything anymore or did I somewhere along the road turn him off. I like him. If he asked me out I wouldn't say no. He seems distant but then again I see his eyes. I'm not sure what they tell me... I don't know if he's inhibited about being with our friends together or I don't know if he's playing hard to get... Whatever it is it's driving me insane! Any thoughts on this? I am open ears..lemme guess - talk to him...lol yes communication...easier said than done though buddy....but any advice...that'd be great.
VictorM's advice:
Nah, don't talk to him -- that would be too easy! Happy now? :)
What would have changed for him to be attracted to you before but not now? Did you grow a second nose or something? Warts on your forehead? A third boob? (OK, strike that; I don't think any guy would mind a third boob.)
It's possible he's playing hard to get. Guys often do that expecting exactly what's happening to you, that is, you going insane with curiosity. But it could also be that he's outgrown the cuddling and wants more with you but thinks too highly of you to even try. You said you came close to the action... let me guess, you're the one that stopped it?
But the other option, and for my money the most likely, he's outgrown you as a romantic interest. It happens. And when love ends, even beauty fades. That would explain just a hug here and there and the distant look.
Too bad you don't want to talk to him about it; you'll go through life always in the dark about this. What a bummer!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
In love with closest friend
JP, 18, from London asks:
I've been friends with this guy for two years, and I've always had feelings for him, but I think I've fallen in love with him. He's my closest male friend, but we're both off to different universities, far away from each other, in a few weeks. Sometimes it feels like he feels the same way. If I'm in a group of people he doesn't know, he'll come and talk to me, and he doesn't like it when I talk about guys I like/liked. We talk all the time and it just seems like we
I've been friends with this guy for two years, and I've always had feelings for him, but I think I've fallen in love with him. He's my closest male friend, but we're both off to different universities, far away from each other, in a few weeks. Sometimes it feels like he feels the same way. If I'm in a group of people he doesn't know, he'll come and talk to me, and he doesn't like it when I talk about guys I like/liked. We talk all the time and it just seems like we