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Thursday, August 31, 2006
Rebecca, part 4
Rebecca, 20, from South Africa asks:
Dear VictorArgh! I haven't had internet access and it's been driving me crazy not to be able to ask you about this! Well, here goes...I called him, he didn't answer. I left a message asking him to get back to me, and he did call back and apologised profusely for not getting back to me. Then after another arrangement which we both cancelled for different reasons, eventually he contacted me and said he'd like to take me out for coffee because he'd been so bad about messing me around (I gather there was a lot of stuff going on in his life). So we went on Saturday, had a really nice time...we had a lot to talk about, we make each other laugh and it wasn't awkward or anything. He also thanked me several times for actually meeting him after he'd been so bad about getting back to me. My problem is that while I think it went well, I'm still not sure if he actually thought it was a date or just a friendly thing. I feel like he should know that I like him, because my asking him out for coffee was pretty out of the blue, but I also know that guys are incredibly dense sometimes and my version of obvious can actually be quite subtle. I do really like him and refuse to give up without knowing if there's a chance, so I was thinking, I'd like to ask him if he wants to do something again and then asking him, just out of curiosity, why he thought I suggested it in the first place. Does that sound like a good idea? Do you have any other suggestions? I would really appreciate it!
VictorM's advice:
Hi there Rebecca. I'm glad you're back online. I was starving for news about your mini soap opera story. :)
True, guys can be dense about hints and such, but I doubt that you going out with him didn't register -- I think it did. I really believe you're doing very well and I suggest you keep it sorta friendly for now. If you show too much interest, or even worse, start asking him leading questions, he might feel overwhelmed. I strongly suggest you don't ask him why he thinks you're asking him out. He's no dummy (if he was you wouldn't be after him, I'm sure). I think he's well aware of your interest but he's playing it cool, letting something between you two develop slowly, and frankly, that's the best way to go.
You sound very impatient but think about it this way: if he likes you he's not going to disappear on you; if he's not that much into you, pushing him to go faster isn't going to make him like you. Go easy, go slow.
Make sure you get internet access and keep us posted.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Dear VictorArgh! I haven't had internet access and it's been driving me crazy not to be able to ask you about this! Well, here goes...I called him, he didn't answer. I left a message asking him to get back to me, and he did call back and apologised profusely for not getting back to me. Then after another arrangement which we both cancelled for different reasons, eventually he contacted me and said he'd like to take me out for coffee because he'd been so bad about messing me around (I gather there was a lot of stuff going on in his life). So we went on Saturday, had a really nice time...we had a lot to talk about, we make each other laugh and it wasn't awkward or anything. He also thanked me several times for actually meeting him after he'd been so bad about getting back to me. My problem is that while I think it went well, I'm still not sure if he actually thought it was a date or just a friendly thing. I feel like he should know that I like him, because my asking him out for coffee was pretty out of the blue, but I also know that guys are incredibly dense sometimes and my version of obvious can actually be quite subtle. I do really like him and refuse to give up without knowing if there's a chance, so I was thinking, I'd like to ask him if he wants to do something again and then asking him, just out of curiosity, why he thought I suggested it in the first place. Does that sound like a good idea? Do you have any other suggestions? I would really appreciate it!
VictorM's advice:
Hi there Rebecca. I'm glad you're back online. I was starving for news about your mini soap opera story. :)
True, guys can be dense about hints and such, but I doubt that you going out with him didn't register -- I think it did. I really believe you're doing very well and I suggest you keep it sorta friendly for now. If you show too much interest, or even worse, start asking him leading questions, he might feel overwhelmed. I strongly suggest you don't ask him why he thinks you're asking him out. He's no dummy (if he was you wouldn't be after him, I'm sure). I think he's well aware of your interest but he's playing it cool, letting something between you two develop slowly, and frankly, that's the best way to go.
You sound very impatient but think about it this way: if he likes you he's not going to disappear on you; if he's not that much into you, pushing him to go faster isn't going to make him like you. Go easy, go slow.
Make sure you get internet access and keep us posted.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hooking up every now and then
Kara, 20, from australia asks:
I have been friends with a guy for a year, for about a month now we have been hooking up every now and then (just kissing) how long do you think I should wait until we have sex? I don't want to wreck things because I really like him and want more out of this. Would a guy be less interested in a relationship and think a girl is easy if she initiates the sex?
VictorM's advice:
You hook up every now and do some kissing? Kara, in his mind you are already easy, never mind sex. Fair or not, that's how most guys think. Right now you're just a friend with benefits, and that's a lousy seed for a serious relationship.
If you want a relationship, aim for that first. Let the kissing and sex come in due time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been friends with a guy for a year, for about a month now we have been hooking up every now and then (just kissing) how long do you think I should wait until we have sex? I don't want to wreck things because I really like him and want more out of this. Would a guy be less interested in a relationship and think a girl is easy if she initiates the sex?
VictorM's advice:
You hook up every now and do some kissing? Kara, in his mind you are already easy, never mind sex. Fair or not, that's how most guys think. Right now you're just a friend with benefits, and that's a lousy seed for a serious relationship.
If you want a relationship, aim for that first. Let the kissing and sex come in due time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Is grass greener?
Jamie, 25, from New Zealand asks:
I was texting a guy named Carl for 6 months because he wanted to get to know me before meeting, we have a few mutual friends. Then I started dating Damian, a guy I had known for a few years and after 3 weeks he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever and it was all too intense, but at the same time he wants to spend a lot of time alone with his friends and is still friends with his ex-girlfriends. Then Carl asked to visit and we clicked and started hanging out (just platonic). I told him I was seeing someone - he seems to know a few girls with boyfriends who also have a soft spot for him, so I'm wondering if he enjoys the flattery while still maintaining his singledom. As for Damian - his actions don't really match what he says. So in a nutshell - what do I do? I don't even know what Carl wants and when I told him I enjoy spending time with him but feel guilty he doesn't really say anything, although on a few occasions he has said he finds me attractive and has told our mutual friends that I am nice. I feel so disloyal because I have feelings for Carl although I have not acted on them and wonder if perhaps I'm not really in to Damian, or maybe the grass always looks greener on the other side? Help!
VictorM's advice:
Carl says you're attractive and you're nice? Well, heck, I'm sure even your own father thinks that about you. That says nothing about Carl being interested in you other than as just another girl in his little black book.
If Damian isn't doing it for you, end the relationship. Whether Carl comes into your life or not that should have nothing to do with Damian not being the one for you.
The grass only looks greener on the other side when it's not green enough on your side.
Is singledom even a word? :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was texting a guy named Carl for 6 months because he wanted to get to know me before meeting, we have a few mutual friends. Then I started dating Damian, a guy I had known for a few years and after 3 weeks he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever and it was all too intense, but at the same time he wants to spend a lot of time alone with his friends and is still friends with his ex-girlfriends. Then Carl asked to visit and we clicked and started hanging out (just platonic). I told him I was seeing someone - he seems to know a few girls with boyfriends who also have a soft spot for him, so I'm wondering if he enjoys the flattery while still maintaining his singledom. As for Damian - his actions don't really match what he says. So in a nutshell - what do I do? I don't even know what Carl wants and when I told him I enjoy spending time with him but feel guilty he doesn't really say anything, although on a few occasions he has said he finds me attractive and has told our mutual friends that I am nice. I feel so disloyal because I have feelings for Carl although I have not acted on them and wonder if perhaps I'm not really in to Damian, or maybe the grass always looks greener on the other side? Help!
VictorM's advice:
Carl says you're attractive and you're nice? Well, heck, I'm sure even your own father thinks that about you. That says nothing about Carl being interested in you other than as just another girl in his little black book.
If Damian isn't doing it for you, end the relationship. Whether Carl comes into your life or not that should have nothing to do with Damian not being the one for you.
The grass only looks greener on the other side when it's not green enough on your side.
Is singledom even a word? :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He couldn't speak English
Stefania, 20, from UK asks:
My best friend hooked me up with her boyfriend's cousin a few months back. I was attracted to him, but because he couldn't speak English I was put off. Now a few months down the line, I'm finding hard not to think about him and wanting to see him. My friend tells me he feels the same way too, but recently when we were out he didn't act that way. He didn't once offer me a drink (he didn't drink himself), he cruised round the club with my friend's boyfriend for chicks to chat up, and when outside he left me to wait at the long queue for the taxi all by myself. What's confusing me, is the fact that I asked him clearly what he wanted with me, he said he wanted to see what I had to offer him. I don't think he's really that interested, maybe a one night stand is what is on his mind???
VictorM's advice:
I'm struck by the comment "he wanted to see what I had to offer him". I don't know about you, but I have the sneaky suspicion that much more serious than the language difference there's a big gap in what he perceives as the worth of a woman. I would strongly advise you to inquire into that aspect of his upbringing and personal beliefs. The last thing you want is to wind up as a second class citizen to a macho man.
Having said that, and hoping you're cutely aware of that possibility, it's also possible that he's playing hard to get to see just how interested you are. Guys do that often. They appear distant and uninterested just to see if you get curious about their behavior.
There's always the possibility he's after a one night stand, but frankly, that's something you have total control over. It'll only happen if you let it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My best friend hooked me up with her boyfriend's cousin a few months back. I was attracted to him, but because he couldn't speak English I was put off. Now a few months down the line, I'm finding hard not to think about him and wanting to see him. My friend tells me he feels the same way too, but recently when we were out he didn't act that way. He didn't once offer me a drink (he didn't drink himself), he cruised round the club with my friend's boyfriend for chicks to chat up, and when outside he left me to wait at the long queue for the taxi all by myself. What's confusing me, is the fact that I asked him clearly what he wanted with me, he said he wanted to see what I had to offer him. I don't think he's really that interested, maybe a one night stand is what is on his mind???
VictorM's advice:
I'm struck by the comment "he wanted to see what I had to offer him". I don't know about you, but I have the sneaky suspicion that much more serious than the language difference there's a big gap in what he perceives as the worth of a woman. I would strongly advise you to inquire into that aspect of his upbringing and personal beliefs. The last thing you want is to wind up as a second class citizen to a macho man.
Having said that, and hoping you're cutely aware of that possibility, it's also possible that he's playing hard to get to see just how interested you are. Guys do that often. They appear distant and uninterested just to see if you get curious about their behavior.
There's always the possibility he's after a one night stand, but frankly, that's something you have total control over. It'll only happen if you let it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Problem with trust
denise, 27, from cavan asks:
I have been going out with my boyfriend for nearly a year. He has battled with gambling in the past before I knew him. He told me that he doesn't gamble anymore but I don't know if I can believe him. He is good to me, he loves me and really cares for me but the problem is with trust. He was completely honest with me, I found a letter from a debt collector the other day, he owes 2000. I confronted him and he said it's a debt from a few years back that he hasn't sorted out yet. I found the other night that he lied to me about something else, he said he was too afraid to me before. I feel so hurt that he has lied to me and don't feel I can trust him even though I love him. I own a house with my sister who is single and I have my own car. My boyfriend lives at home, has a child to his ex and his future doesn't look good unless he starts being honest and sorts out his finances. I think he is a type of person who will always have money problems but he is a good person. I don't know what to do. It's so hard to find a nice loving person but how do we continue now? I can't see a happy future with this person. I am not materialistic but money does matter, I want him to be able to meet me half way so maybe we buy a house some day but I don't think that will happen.
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume that when you wrote "He was completely honest with me" you meant to type "He was not completely honest with me".
Money is important and you shouldn't dismiss it's significance but even if we cast that aside, what's left is more important. You have said two things that to me are deal breakers: 1) "he has lied to me and don't feel I can trust him", and 2) "I can't see a happy future with this person." The effort it would take for you to overcome the trust issue and be happy are immense, I would even dare say, impossible.
You also said "It's so hard to find a nice loving person". But Denise, you have not found that in this guy. You only think so because you've lowered your expectations too much. Yes, he may treat you nicely now, but a man who can't treat himself well will eventually turn on you. It's just a matter of time or a frustrating situation that he blames on you.
I have no doubt he could be a good soul, but people who don't take care of themselves for whatever reasons tend to be very nice to others because they need to be liked (it doesn't come from within). Once someone is in their inner circle, one of two things generally happen: they either take you for granted as they take themselves, or they become terribly dependent. Look at his relationship with his son and his parents for clues.
It's not like people can't turn they lives around -- they can -- but that happens much more in movies and romance novels than it does in real life. Absent some drastic condition that forces change, that likelihood is even more remote.
Here you have an habitual liar, with money problems, and addiction issues. The gambling addiction probably didn't go away; he just doesn't have money now. Once he comes into some money he might be tempted and the debts will pile up again. Now, I'm not saying he didn't beat his addiction, but I am rather skeptical. Gambling is a hard addiction to break from.
One last thing: do not confuse "treating you well" with "being a good person". Many a gangster, for example, treated their women well. That does not a good person make.
Don't sell yourself short and trade long term happiness for short term companionship. You seem to have a good grasp of the situation -- do NOT be afraid to make the right decision.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been going out with my boyfriend for nearly a year. He has battled with gambling in the past before I knew him. He told me that he doesn't gamble anymore but I don't know if I can believe him. He is good to me, he loves me and really cares for me but the problem is with trust. He was completely honest with me, I found a letter from a debt collector the other day, he owes 2000. I confronted him and he said it's a debt from a few years back that he hasn't sorted out yet. I found the other night that he lied to me about something else, he said he was too afraid to me before. I feel so hurt that he has lied to me and don't feel I can trust him even though I love him. I own a house with my sister who is single and I have my own car. My boyfriend lives at home, has a child to his ex and his future doesn't look good unless he starts being honest and sorts out his finances. I think he is a type of person who will always have money problems but he is a good person. I don't know what to do. It's so hard to find a nice loving person but how do we continue now? I can't see a happy future with this person. I am not materialistic but money does matter, I want him to be able to meet me half way so maybe we buy a house some day but I don't think that will happen.
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume that when you wrote "He was completely honest with me" you meant to type "He was not completely honest with me".
Money is important and you shouldn't dismiss it's significance but even if we cast that aside, what's left is more important. You have said two things that to me are deal breakers: 1) "he has lied to me and don't feel I can trust him", and 2) "I can't see a happy future with this person." The effort it would take for you to overcome the trust issue and be happy are immense, I would even dare say, impossible.
You also said "It's so hard to find a nice loving person". But Denise, you have not found that in this guy. You only think so because you've lowered your expectations too much. Yes, he may treat you nicely now, but a man who can't treat himself well will eventually turn on you. It's just a matter of time or a frustrating situation that he blames on you.
I have no doubt he could be a good soul, but people who don't take care of themselves for whatever reasons tend to be very nice to others because they need to be liked (it doesn't come from within). Once someone is in their inner circle, one of two things generally happen: they either take you for granted as they take themselves, or they become terribly dependent. Look at his relationship with his son and his parents for clues.
It's not like people can't turn they lives around -- they can -- but that happens much more in movies and romance novels than it does in real life. Absent some drastic condition that forces change, that likelihood is even more remote.
Here you have an habitual liar, with money problems, and addiction issues. The gambling addiction probably didn't go away; he just doesn't have money now. Once he comes into some money he might be tempted and the debts will pile up again. Now, I'm not saying he didn't beat his addiction, but I am rather skeptical. Gambling is a hard addiction to break from.
One last thing: do not confuse "treating you well" with "being a good person". Many a gangster, for example, treated their women well. That does not a good person make.
Don't sell yourself short and trade long term happiness for short term companionship. You seem to have a good grasp of the situation -- do NOT be afraid to make the right decision.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, August 28, 2006
Thoughts about leaving
lisa, 23, from lincs asks:
A lad I went out with 6 years ago recently told me he still has feelings for me and always has. I'm in a relationship and have been for 5 years and have a 4 year old son. My relationship hasn't been great lately. I'm always stuck in the house, doing nothing. I thought about leaving my boyfriend and getting back with my ex but just as I was going to I got told he was seeing somebody else. I asked him if he lied about what he said to me and said he didn't lie but knew I wouldn't break up with my boyfriend for him. Now I can't stop thinking about him.
VictorM's advice:
I don't think your problem is that you can't stop thinking of him; your problem is you haven't begun to think. Really, this notion that you'll make a decision to end things with one guy to bounce to another you haven't seen in 6 years is nutty. Besides, there's a little boy that factors in this equation.
So you don't get out of the house now... and that's why, because your current boyfriend ties you to the wall? I doubt it. See the door knob on the door? Use it. Find things that you have fun doing and do them.
Now, if you really have no feelings for your current boyfriend, or life with him is not worth it, fine, break-up with him. This should have nothing to do with the next guy. You should act now and put yourself in a position to start a new relationship without performing relationship gymnastics. Maybe the next guy will be with your ex (what made you break-up in the first place and why do you think things will work this time?) or it could be someone new. But if your life depends on bouncing from one guy to the next you're setting yourself up for major disappointments in life.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
A lad I went out with 6 years ago recently told me he still has feelings for me and always has. I'm in a relationship and have been for 5 years and have a 4 year old son. My relationship hasn't been great lately. I'm always stuck in the house, doing nothing. I thought about leaving my boyfriend and getting back with my ex but just as I was going to I got told he was seeing somebody else. I asked him if he lied about what he said to me and said he didn't lie but knew I wouldn't break up with my boyfriend for him. Now I can't stop thinking about him.
VictorM's advice:
I don't think your problem is that you can't stop thinking of him; your problem is you haven't begun to think. Really, this notion that you'll make a decision to end things with one guy to bounce to another you haven't seen in 6 years is nutty. Besides, there's a little boy that factors in this equation.
So you don't get out of the house now... and that's why, because your current boyfriend ties you to the wall? I doubt it. See the door knob on the door? Use it. Find things that you have fun doing and do them.
Now, if you really have no feelings for your current boyfriend, or life with him is not worth it, fine, break-up with him. This should have nothing to do with the next guy. You should act now and put yourself in a position to start a new relationship without performing relationship gymnastics. Maybe the next guy will be with your ex (what made you break-up in the first place and why do you think things will work this time?) or it could be someone new. But if your life depends on bouncing from one guy to the next you're setting yourself up for major disappointments in life.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Trick questions
Rach asks:
My boyfriend has been asking me some trick questions.. and he asked me have I ever loved anyone before and I thought he was meaning before us... I knew I shouldn't have told him but it was late and I wasn't thinking clearly so I told him about this guy once I just said the dude's name... and my boyfriend said you failed the trick question... it bothered me... I don't know what to do.. I'm not too big into that trick thing and from the sound of this voice on the phone... he sounded upset.. but he kinda like blew it off yet didn't let me forget... What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Here's a general rule you should follow for the rest of your life: if a guy asks you trick questions, dump his ass on the spot! I don't care if he's 11 (as may be the case here) or 60. Trick questions are attributes of immature, insecure, most toxic of people. You did nothing wrong; your boyfriend is just an immature twit (I like this word lately).
What do you do? You tell him next time he asks a trick question he'll be history and if he doesn't grow up you're going to find a real guy to date. Serioulsy, don't take that crap from this guy now. Learn to assert yourself or you'll be just a play thing to guys.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend has been asking me some trick questions.. and he asked me have I ever loved anyone before and I thought he was meaning before us... I knew I shouldn't have told him but it was late and I wasn't thinking clearly so I told him about this guy once I just said the dude's name... and my boyfriend said you failed the trick question... it bothered me... I don't know what to do.. I'm not too big into that trick thing and from the sound of this voice on the phone... he sounded upset.. but he kinda like blew it off yet didn't let me forget... What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Here's a general rule you should follow for the rest of your life: if a guy asks you trick questions, dump his ass on the spot! I don't care if he's 11 (as may be the case here) or 60. Trick questions are attributes of immature, insecure, most toxic of people. You did nothing wrong; your boyfriend is just an immature twit (I like this word lately).
What do you do? You tell him next time he asks a trick question he'll be history and if he doesn't grow up you're going to find a real guy to date. Serioulsy, don't take that crap from this guy now. Learn to assert yourself or you'll be just a play thing to guys.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Dead end street?
Andrea, 27, from Miami asks:
I've been dating this guy for 4 years, and he's cheated on me numerous times (confirmed). I went back with him every time thinking it would be different, but it hasn't. Last time was just 8 months ago, and I am constantly thinking that he's doing it again. I don't know if he is or if it is just my imagination. He says he loves me, and every time I try to leave him, he doesn't let me do it. Is this a dead end street?
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not a dead end street; it's a lot worse -- it's a vicious cycle. He will not change. Sadly, neither will you, no matter what I tell you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been dating this guy for 4 years, and he's cheated on me numerous times (confirmed). I went back with him every time thinking it would be different, but it hasn't. Last time was just 8 months ago, and I am constantly thinking that he's doing it again. I don't know if he is or if it is just my imagination. He says he loves me, and every time I try to leave him, he doesn't let me do it. Is this a dead end street?
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not a dead end street; it's a lot worse -- it's a vicious cycle. He will not change. Sadly, neither will you, no matter what I tell you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Broke-up out of the blue
~Me~, 22, from Florida asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and everything was great. We broke up about 2 weeks ago kind of out of the blue I mean we've had our arguments. But we went out to breakfast and dinner the other day, and went out for ice cream yesterday. We had a nice long talk and he said he thinks he's scared of commitment and knows it isn't fair to me, but he still keeps calling me babe. I really love him and I don't want to stay broken up with him at all. He always says stuff like I'm too good for him but that's not true..shouldn't I be the judge of that? He is everything to a tee of what I'm looking for. I've had boyfriends way longer than this one but I've never felt like this for anyone. How can you help someone get over a commitment issue? Is there any helping it? Is it a waste of my time?
VictorM's advice:
His fear of commitment just means of commitment with YOU.
See, he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. It's that simple. It's not to say he doesn't like you, but he just doesn't like you enough. He hates to break your heart, so he's hoping you find someone new, hence the references to him not being good enough for you. He's trying to push you away without breaking your heart but you're refusing to see it. The only reason he is talking with you now is because he feels sorry for you. But he will continue to seek distance.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and everything was great. We broke up about 2 weeks ago kind of out of the blue I mean we've had our arguments. But we went out to breakfast and dinner the other day, and went out for ice cream yesterday. We had a nice long talk and he said he thinks he's scared of commitment and knows it isn't fair to me, but he still keeps calling me babe. I really love him and I don't want to stay broken up with him at all. He always says stuff like I'm too good for him but that's not true..shouldn't I be the judge of that? He is everything to a tee of what I'm looking for. I've had boyfriends way longer than this one but I've never felt like this for anyone. How can you help someone get over a commitment issue? Is there any helping it? Is it a waste of my time?
VictorM's advice:
His fear of commitment just means of commitment with YOU.
See, he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. It's that simple. It's not to say he doesn't like you, but he just doesn't like you enough. He hates to break your heart, so he's hoping you find someone new, hence the references to him not being good enough for you. He's trying to push you away without breaking your heart but you're refusing to see it. The only reason he is talking with you now is because he feels sorry for you. But he will continue to seek distance.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
All of these books
Lori, 44, from Texas asks:
I am so confused about all of these books that say if you want a man to commit to marriage you have to do this and make sure you don't do that...basically make him feel like he is the greatest man on earth but at the same time be aloof and lead him to believe that he just might lose you by not making a decision about the ultimate commitment. My boyfriend is still married to someone else that he has not seen over 15 years and he tells me he is not in love with her. He has a daughter that just turned 18. We have been together for 17 months. I do not want to pressure him about anything but I just want the truth..... Is he really serious about not getting married to me or is he just afraid of being alone and I will do until the right one comes along? What is the best way to find out the truth? He does not like to talk about deep issues. I love men to death especially my boyfriend, but this time I am caught up in something I can't figure out or I refuse to see the truth. Any thoughts, wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated....tried to keep this short and simple as possible...smiles!
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume your relationship with him his fine. You love him and I suppose he feels the same way about you. Obviously, you're both doing the right things by the other. Keep it that way.
Why is he still married after 15 years? I wish I knew. One thing I know for sure: going through the divorce process can be costly and terribly annoying, depending on the relationship between the husband and wife. Maybe he just has never felt the need to deal with that hassle. Will he if you two decide marriage is on the horizon? Hard to say, but is willingness, or lack of it, to do it will tell you where things stand between you two.
Talk to him about it. Ask him why he hasn't gotten divorced. After a relationship of 17 months you have the right to know. And unless he can give you a great reason -- something I can't imagine what it could be -- you have a right to not want to go on with a married man.
Don't let yourself be manipulated by this issue because any man that skirts this issue is not a man worth waiting around for.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am so confused about all of these books that say if you want a man to commit to marriage you have to do this and make sure you don't do that...basically make him feel like he is the greatest man on earth but at the same time be aloof and lead him to believe that he just might lose you by not making a decision about the ultimate commitment. My boyfriend is still married to someone else that he has not seen over 15 years and he tells me he is not in love with her. He has a daughter that just turned 18. We have been together for 17 months. I do not want to pressure him about anything but I just want the truth..... Is he really serious about not getting married to me or is he just afraid of being alone and I will do until the right one comes along? What is the best way to find out the truth? He does not like to talk about deep issues. I love men to death especially my boyfriend, but this time I am caught up in something I can't figure out or I refuse to see the truth. Any thoughts, wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated....tried to keep this short and simple as possible...smiles!
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume your relationship with him his fine. You love him and I suppose he feels the same way about you. Obviously, you're both doing the right things by the other. Keep it that way.
Why is he still married after 15 years? I wish I knew. One thing I know for sure: going through the divorce process can be costly and terribly annoying, depending on the relationship between the husband and wife. Maybe he just has never felt the need to deal with that hassle. Will he if you two decide marriage is on the horizon? Hard to say, but is willingness, or lack of it, to do it will tell you where things stand between you two.
Talk to him about it. Ask him why he hasn't gotten divorced. After a relationship of 17 months you have the right to know. And unless he can give you a great reason -- something I can't imagine what it could be -- you have a right to not want to go on with a married man.
Don't let yourself be manipulated by this issue because any man that skirts this issue is not a man worth waiting around for.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, August 25, 2006
Screaming Inside
sue, 46, from England asks:
I have been living with a man for sixteen years now. When I first met him he told me he was a widow and his wife had died of cancer. Eleven years later I found out she is alive and well. He keeps saying he will get a divorce but it never happens. All the time I have been living with him he has refused to take me out any where and I have no friends. If I ask him to change things he just gets in a temper and refuses to change any thing. He used to be violent, that has stopped now but I am still scared of his temper. He is sixteen years older than me. No matter how I try I can't seem to move forward. I know I can't go on like this. All the time I feel like I am screaming inside. Have you any advice on how I can change things. I am so scared I can't make it on my own.
VictorM's advice:
Boy, your situation is not easy. I have no idea about your economic/job situation but I'm going to assume you could manage financially by yourself.
There is no need for you to go at this alone. Walking away from such a relationship is hard. Many people will tell you it should be easy because he's such a jerk, but the truth is living with the same person for so many years becomes like an addiction. You become addicted to his scent, to his touch, to his general presence, etc. and even if you can't stand him, your body will yearn for him. So, don't put yourself down if you can't do it alone. I even say you're better off trying to break away alone.
The kind of fear you describe is not easy to overcome, certainly not with the few words I could dish out on this page. I suggest you look around in your area for support groups that help women such as yourself. It's important for you to find an environment where you can make friends. People to talk to, go to movies with, or participate in activities with other women that share your interest. For example, if you like cooking, join a cooking class. Start creating a support group of people who will be there to help you along, to keep you company, to help you avoid the loneliness that comes with a drastic change in life.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been living with a man for sixteen years now. When I first met him he told me he was a widow and his wife had died of cancer. Eleven years later I found out she is alive and well. He keeps saying he will get a divorce but it never happens. All the time I have been living with him he has refused to take me out any where and I have no friends. If I ask him to change things he just gets in a temper and refuses to change any thing. He used to be violent, that has stopped now but I am still scared of his temper. He is sixteen years older than me. No matter how I try I can't seem to move forward. I know I can't go on like this. All the time I feel like I am screaming inside. Have you any advice on how I can change things. I am so scared I can't make it on my own.
VictorM's advice:
Boy, your situation is not easy. I have no idea about your economic/job situation but I'm going to assume you could manage financially by yourself.
There is no need for you to go at this alone. Walking away from such a relationship is hard. Many people will tell you it should be easy because he's such a jerk, but the truth is living with the same person for so many years becomes like an addiction. You become addicted to his scent, to his touch, to his general presence, etc. and even if you can't stand him, your body will yearn for him. So, don't put yourself down if you can't do it alone. I even say you're better off trying to break away alone.
The kind of fear you describe is not easy to overcome, certainly not with the few words I could dish out on this page. I suggest you look around in your area for support groups that help women such as yourself. It's important for you to find an environment where you can make friends. People to talk to, go to movies with, or participate in activities with other women that share your interest. For example, if you like cooking, join a cooking class. Start creating a support group of people who will be there to help you along, to keep you company, to help you avoid the loneliness that comes with a drastic change in life.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Flirting in church trip
hurt, from not a chance sorry asks:
ok so this guy I've known my whole life starts flirting with me on this church trip. And he used to make fun of me a lot when I was little and so after a while it finally hit me. Is he flirting with me? So after we got back I took a chance and asked him to home-coming and he said he might be able to he'd have to check and he never called me back or anything. But he still tends to flirt with me. Help!!! What do I do!!!
VictorM's advice:
You didn't want to say your age so I'm going to assume middle teens (home-coming... middle teens... I'm such a genius.) :)
Guys start flirting at your age whether they like the girl or not. It's all about starting to feel like a man and flirting with girls is part of that process. Maybe he likes you, maybe he doesn't; his flirting is no indication of either. In fact, pay attention to his behavior in school or church. I bet he flirts with other girls too.
Did you give him a due date for his answer? If not, then he doesn't have to answer you yet and he's waiting to see who else asks him. You might want to talk to him and tell him you need an answer by a certain date.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
ok so this guy I've known my whole life starts flirting with me on this church trip. And he used to make fun of me a lot when I was little and so after a while it finally hit me. Is he flirting with me? So after we got back I took a chance and asked him to home-coming and he said he might be able to he'd have to check and he never called me back or anything. But he still tends to flirt with me. Help!!! What do I do!!!
VictorM's advice:
You didn't want to say your age so I'm going to assume middle teens (home-coming... middle teens... I'm such a genius.) :)
Guys start flirting at your age whether they like the girl or not. It's all about starting to feel like a man and flirting with girls is part of that process. Maybe he likes you, maybe he doesn't; his flirting is no indication of either. In fact, pay attention to his behavior in school or church. I bet he flirts with other girls too.
Did you give him a due date for his answer? If not, then he doesn't have to answer you yet and he's waiting to see who else asks him. You might want to talk to him and tell him you need an answer by a certain date.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sex before love
May, 29, from Aisa asks:
I am just wondering how to get a man's heart if sex before love did happen. As I know, once having sex with a man on the first date he would lose his interest on the girl. Is there any way to make it up?
VictorM's advice:
Don't jump to the conclusion that the guy will lose interest. That's generally the case, but the opposite happens often enough. If you had sex with him and you now regret it, the best thing to do is: 1) don't have sex again until you're ready, and 2) go on with the relationship as if nothing happened. Of course it would make sense to explain to him why you're abstaining now, but don't fall into the trap that somehow you have to feel inferior or ashamed -- you shouldn't! Be assertive in your new decision.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am just wondering how to get a man's heart if sex before love did happen. As I know, once having sex with a man on the first date he would lose his interest on the girl. Is there any way to make it up?
VictorM's advice:
Don't jump to the conclusion that the guy will lose interest. That's generally the case, but the opposite happens often enough. If you had sex with him and you now regret it, the best thing to do is: 1) don't have sex again until you're ready, and 2) go on with the relationship as if nothing happened. Of course it would make sense to explain to him why you're abstaining now, but don't fall into the trap that somehow you have to feel inferior or ashamed -- you shouldn't! Be assertive in your new decision.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Types of questions
brandi bryant, 26, from tucson asks:
What kind of questions can I ask a guy?
VictorM's answer:
I assume you mean to get a conversation going. If that's so, ask him about something you know he's either passionate or knows a lot about. Even shy guys can become blabber mouths if you ask about the right topic. Don't ask questions that elicit a Yes or No answer. No "Do you..." type questions. "Tell me about [subject he knows a lot about]..." That sort of thing.
Try not to fall asleep while he talks your ears off.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What kind of questions can I ask a guy?
VictorM's answer:
I assume you mean to get a conversation going. If that's so, ask him about something you know he's either passionate or knows a lot about. Even shy guys can become blabber mouths if you ask about the right topic. Don't ask questions that elicit a Yes or No answer. No "Do you..." type questions. "Tell me about [subject he knows a lot about]..." That sort of thing.
Try not to fall asleep while he talks your ears off.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Doesn't show his feelings
sasha, 22, from canada asks:
I've been seeing this guy for a for few months now and it's been great. We met the first time and I left after 5 days for 2 and half months and we kept in touch a lot and he waited for me. We do a lot of things together and he always spends time with me, sometimes 6 days in row and sleeping over. But what I have realised is that he's not good at expressing his feelings to me, he doesn't like holding my hands when we are out, he doesn't show public affection at all, he doesn't really like to kiss me or hug me. He'll do it for a minute and that's about it, or he'll do it when he wants to get some.. and occasionally he'll tell me something sweet like, "Your a sweet girl" "you look nice" but I usually enjoy it when a guy expresses his feelings because I do it. I don't know what to do or think because sometimes I think since he's such an attractive, gorgeous man, (who also gets lots of attention from other people) he doesn't want to show that he's with me in public or something yet he spends so much time with me and is very nice and respects me a lot. When we walk together he might be in front of me or a little distant. I just don't get it. We walk as if we are just friends... any suggestions because I am confused. Thanks
VictorM's answer:
Maybe he's just a type of guy who doesn't like public displays of affection. Lots of people are like that. If so, there's usually a reason... such as growing up in a house where the family members aren't very touchy-feely kinda people.
Maybe he thinks of you as just a friend with benefits. That would explain everything.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been seeing this guy for a for few months now and it's been great. We met the first time and I left after 5 days for 2 and half months and we kept in touch a lot and he waited for me. We do a lot of things together and he always spends time with me, sometimes 6 days in row and sleeping over. But what I have realised is that he's not good at expressing his feelings to me, he doesn't like holding my hands when we are out, he doesn't show public affection at all, he doesn't really like to kiss me or hug me. He'll do it for a minute and that's about it, or he'll do it when he wants to get some.. and occasionally he'll tell me something sweet like, "Your a sweet girl" "you look nice" but I usually enjoy it when a guy expresses his feelings because I do it. I don't know what to do or think because sometimes I think since he's such an attractive, gorgeous man, (who also gets lots of attention from other people) he doesn't want to show that he's with me in public or something yet he spends so much time with me and is very nice and respects me a lot. When we walk together he might be in front of me or a little distant. I just don't get it. We walk as if we are just friends... any suggestions because I am confused. Thanks
VictorM's answer:
Maybe he's just a type of guy who doesn't like public displays of affection. Lots of people are like that. If so, there's usually a reason... such as growing up in a house where the family members aren't very touchy-feely kinda people.
Maybe he thinks of you as just a friend with benefits. That would explain everything.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Love confession over IM
wintereyes, 19, from Pennsylvania asks:
I like this guy, we are close, he takes me places and spends money on me, and is always telling me that he is there for me and how close he feels to me. One time, a little over a year ago, he wrote in an IM that he loved me...then immediately signed off... he did it a few more times too. He drove a long distance twice to visit me. Once to go to a football game... and he hates football. I finally told him that I liked him. He said that it wouldn't work out because we are so far apart and wouldn't give me anything else. He made it a point... but the situation on which it came out was weird. Involving his friend, as he said, lying to me about him liking and obsessing about me. I have no conclusion to it, it just doesn't make sense. The last time that he IMed me he told me that he loved me again. Now he doesn’t return calls and hardly talks to me after I expressed how I felt about him… I don’t get it.
VictorM's comment:
I'm confused by what you're trying to say in this passage: "He made it a point... but the situation on which it came out was weird. Involving his friend, as he said, lying to me about him liking and obsessing about me. I have no conclusion to it, it just doesn't make sense."
I'm going to assume some friend of his told you that he obsesses over you, which, according to him is a lie. If that's not what you mean, please write back and clarify.
I wouldn't put too much stock in "I love yous" over the internet. I often use that expression but not as a sign of romantic love. He may have meant it as he likes you.
While your feelings were still unknown to him you were like a puzzle. Once the answer to the puzzle was revealed (namely, you telling him that you like him) he started losing interest. It happens so often.
I don't think his friend telling you a lie figures much into this at all, maybe just coincidence.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I like this guy, we are close, he takes me places and spends money on me, and is always telling me that he is there for me and how close he feels to me. One time, a little over a year ago, he wrote in an IM that he loved me...then immediately signed off... he did it a few more times too. He drove a long distance twice to visit me. Once to go to a football game... and he hates football. I finally told him that I liked him. He said that it wouldn't work out because we are so far apart and wouldn't give me anything else. He made it a point... but the situation on which it came out was weird. Involving his friend, as he said, lying to me about him liking and obsessing about me. I have no conclusion to it, it just doesn't make sense. The last time that he IMed me he told me that he loved me again. Now he doesn’t return calls and hardly talks to me after I expressed how I felt about him… I don’t get it.
VictorM's comment:
I'm confused by what you're trying to say in this passage: "He made it a point... but the situation on which it came out was weird. Involving his friend, as he said, lying to me about him liking and obsessing about me. I have no conclusion to it, it just doesn't make sense."
I'm going to assume some friend of his told you that he obsesses over you, which, according to him is a lie. If that's not what you mean, please write back and clarify.
I wouldn't put too much stock in "I love yous" over the internet. I often use that expression but not as a sign of romantic love. He may have meant it as he likes you.
While your feelings were still unknown to him you were like a puzzle. Once the answer to the puzzle was revealed (namely, you telling him that you like him) he started losing interest. It happens so often.
I don't think his friend telling you a lie figures much into this at all, maybe just coincidence.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Winking
Brigid Mason asks:
Do you ever wink at people you're not flirting with? This guy winked at me and kept looking at me. I don't know if he was flirting.
VictorM's advice:
Unless he has a tick or an eyelash stuck in his eye, I'd say a wink is a flirty move, specially if he keeps looking at you after it.
And no, I don't wink at people. Besides, I can't wink very well. But thanks for asking. ;-)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Do you ever wink at people you're not flirting with? This guy winked at me and kept looking at me. I don't know if he was flirting.
VictorM's advice:
Unless he has a tick or an eyelash stuck in his eye, I'd say a wink is a flirty move, specially if he keeps looking at you after it.
And no, I don't wink at people. Besides, I can't wink very well. But thanks for asking. ;-)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Age difference range
anonymous from spotsylvania asks:
I would like to know if age matters to a guy. [I understand some guys judge our maturity level by our age, etc.] but also, I'd like to know, that if age does matter to a guy, why, what's the "range", and how to persuade a guy that age difference isn't something "bad".
VictorM's answer:
You asked a very vague question because you don't mention your age. But generally, there are some assumptions you can make: 1) guys like the girl to be younger; 2) the older they are the wider the age gap can be; 3) younger guys fantasize with much older women; older guys fantasize with younger women but when it comes to a relationship, closer to each other's age is the norm.
If you're a teenager, chances are that teenage boys will be attracted to you. Older guys tend to want to date girls that can go to clubs or bars with them. Once both are in their late 20's the age gap acceptance gets a little wider. By the time they're in their 40's and beyond, age differences of 10, 20 or even more years is not that uncommon, but again, almost always with the guy being older than the girl.
There is a silly guideline that's often used. It goes like this: a guy should only date a girl after she's half his age plus seven. So, if he's 18, she should be at least 16. If he's 26, she should be at least 20. If he's 54, she should be at least 34, etc. I have no idea who came up with that or why, but that's the guideline. Take for whatever it's worth (frankly, I say pay no attention to it).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I would like to know if age matters to a guy. [I understand some guys judge our maturity level by our age, etc.] but also, I'd like to know, that if age does matter to a guy, why, what's the "range", and how to persuade a guy that age difference isn't something "bad".
VictorM's answer:
You asked a very vague question because you don't mention your age. But generally, there are some assumptions you can make: 1) guys like the girl to be younger; 2) the older they are the wider the age gap can be; 3) younger guys fantasize with much older women; older guys fantasize with younger women but when it comes to a relationship, closer to each other's age is the norm.
If you're a teenager, chances are that teenage boys will be attracted to you. Older guys tend to want to date girls that can go to clubs or bars with them. Once both are in their late 20's the age gap acceptance gets a little wider. By the time they're in their 40's and beyond, age differences of 10, 20 or even more years is not that uncommon, but again, almost always with the guy being older than the girl.
There is a silly guideline that's often used. It goes like this: a guy should only date a girl after she's half his age plus seven. So, if he's 18, she should be at least 16. If he's 26, she should be at least 20. If he's 54, she should be at least 34, etc. I have no idea who came up with that or why, but that's the guideline. Take for whatever it's worth (frankly, I say pay no attention to it).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, August 21, 2006
The quick question that isn't
me, 19 asks:
I have a quick question. (I think I asked about something related to it a while ago on here)...Around a month and a half ago I got asked out by a guy at work who I did not know. I never gave him a straight answer though, because I wanted to get to know him a bit better first. Then, I realized that I shouldn't date him (although I was attracted to him, my mind kept telling me not to .. he does things I don't like..(like smoking).. which are not on my list of "datable guys")..but since he's leaving away for university next week, I was thinking that since I'm still attracted to him (I really do like him), then one date would not hurt (I think I might regret not going out with him). We still talk now at work and on msn all the time..but the thing is that, I don't know how he would feel if I ask him to go on a date NOW (ie. a month and a half later and a week before he leaves) .. I know waited for soo long..I was worried that if I went on a date with him earlier then it would develop into something serious (which I do not want)... I do not know what his relationship status now (although I'm 90%+ sure that he is single.. but that 10% is still there..)...but anyway.. assuming he's single.. how do I ask him out.. just for that one date...should I even bother.. or should I just drop it? ..oops.. that wasn't a quick question after all! hehe..
VictorM's advice:
There is nothing worse in life than regrets. Nothing!
OK, well maybe this is:
You will never regret having gone out with him, even if the date is a disaster, but you'll always wonder what it would be like if you don't go. So do it. Ask him out on a date. Don't say it's just this once, don't mention him leaving. He asked you out once, you needed more time to know him, now you're interested on a date. He asked you before, now it's your turn to ask him. He took a risk and got a no. The same might happen to you, but you'll live just like he has.
So ask him! And ask him not to smoke around you (but only after he says yes).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have a quick question. (I think I asked about something related to it a while ago on here)...Around a month and a half ago I got asked out by a guy at work who I did not know. I never gave him a straight answer though, because I wanted to get to know him a bit better first. Then, I realized that I shouldn't date him (although I was attracted to him, my mind kept telling me not to .. he does things I don't like..(like smoking).. which are not on my list of "datable guys")..but since he's leaving away for university next week, I was thinking that since I'm still attracted to him (I really do like him), then one date would not hurt (I think I might regret not going out with him). We still talk now at work and on msn all the time..but the thing is that, I don't know how he would feel if I ask him to go on a date NOW (ie. a month and a half later and a week before he leaves) .. I know waited for soo long..I was worried that if I went on a date with him earlier then it would develop into something serious (which I do not want)... I do not know what his relationship status now (although I'm 90%+ sure that he is single.. but that 10% is still there..)...but anyway.. assuming he's single.. how do I ask him out.. just for that one date...should I even bother.. or should I just drop it? ..oops.. that wasn't a quick question after all! hehe..
VictorM's advice:
There is nothing worse in life than regrets. Nothing!
OK, well maybe this is:
You will never regret having gone out with him, even if the date is a disaster, but you'll always wonder what it would be like if you don't go. So do it. Ask him out on a date. Don't say it's just this once, don't mention him leaving. He asked you out once, you needed more time to know him, now you're interested on a date. He asked you before, now it's your turn to ask him. He took a risk and got a no. The same might happen to you, but you'll live just like he has.
So ask him! And ask him not to smoke around you (but only after he says yes).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Ex-boyfriend Keeping Her Things
Anna, 24, from Nebraska asks:
My boyfriend and I of four years broke up about a month ago. He brought up the idea and I agreed because I have wanted it too, I just didn't want to say anything. I gave him his things back about two and a half weeks ago. He left one thing of mine, and kept the others. I have been asking him for my things back, but he either ignores me or makes up excuses. Then this past week we had set up a day and time and he told me to call him when I was on my way. Well he didn't answer. So I talked to him two days later and he said sorry he wanted to sleep in. He keeps making excuses and it is annoying. What is his deal? Why won't he give me my things back? It was his idea to end it.
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that towards the end of the relationship, when you wanted to break-up but didn't want to say anything, you were (in his mind, not mine) a bitch, indifferent, or caused him to have no choice but to break-up with you. So now, he's going to give you a hard time back.
If the items are of no significant value, tell him to keep them. As long as you want them, he is in control and he can mess with you. If they are of value, file a small claims. Either way, stop dealing with him directly -- you'll just get aggravated and he'll be laughing and enjoying it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I of four years broke up about a month ago. He brought up the idea and I agreed because I have wanted it too, I just didn't want to say anything. I gave him his things back about two and a half weeks ago. He left one thing of mine, and kept the others. I have been asking him for my things back, but he either ignores me or makes up excuses. Then this past week we had set up a day and time and he told me to call him when I was on my way. Well he didn't answer. So I talked to him two days later and he said sorry he wanted to sleep in. He keeps making excuses and it is annoying. What is his deal? Why won't he give me my things back? It was his idea to end it.
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that towards the end of the relationship, when you wanted to break-up but didn't want to say anything, you were (in his mind, not mine) a bitch, indifferent, or caused him to have no choice but to break-up with you. So now, he's going to give you a hard time back.
If the items are of no significant value, tell him to keep them. As long as you want them, he is in control and he can mess with you. If they are of value, file a small claims. Either way, stop dealing with him directly -- you'll just get aggravated and he'll be laughing and enjoying it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Amber, again
amber, 29, from va asks:
Part 3 of a really lame problem. It was the same guys birthday--can you tell me why the gifts I gave him and he opened at his so-called house. Why he waited until I left and hid them in his car. In fact they are still in there. What would make a guy hide his presents in his car? Any help would be great, vic
VictorM's answer:
Amber, we're beating a dead horse here. The guy has something to hide and he's lying to you. Continue seeing him at your own risk.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Part 3 of a really lame problem. It was the same guys birthday--can you tell me why the gifts I gave him and he opened at his so-called house. Why he waited until I left and hid them in his car. In fact they are still in there. What would make a guy hide his presents in his car? Any help would be great, vic
VictorM's answer:
Amber, we're beating a dead horse here. The guy has something to hide and he's lying to you. Continue seeing him at your own risk.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Boyfriend Is Too Friendly
akai, 40, from honolulu asks:
My boyfriend is a bit "too"..-helpful, friendly, nice, etc... Whenever anyone asks him for help he'll go out of his way to help them. I don't mind him fixing cars, but when it comes to bringing them home and allowing them to stay till??? (only god knows) and other dilemmas happen like items disappearing, I get blamed for things like that or anything that I am not responsible for. He even tells me to shut the f..up and "I know where the door is!!! What does this mean??
VictorM's advice:
If he treated others like he treats you, they wouldn't be his friends for long. So he's "too" friendly with them. But you? Basically, he has not respect for you. You stay and put up with his crap, thus reinforcing his mindset.
Whether he would ever treat you with respect or not is hard to say, but it will not happen unless you demand it. The questions is, what's stopping you from using the door for good? (There are other mechanics out there, you know.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend is a bit "too"..-helpful, friendly, nice, etc... Whenever anyone asks him for help he'll go out of his way to help them. I don't mind him fixing cars, but when it comes to bringing them home and allowing them to stay till??? (only god knows) and other dilemmas happen like items disappearing, I get blamed for things like that or anything that I am not responsible for. He even tells me to shut the f..up and "I know where the door is!!! What does this mean??
VictorM's advice:
If he treated others like he treats you, they wouldn't be his friends for long. So he's "too" friendly with them. But you? Basically, he has not respect for you. You stay and put up with his crap, thus reinforcing his mindset.
Whether he would ever treat you with respect or not is hard to say, but it will not happen unless you demand it. The questions is, what's stopping you from using the door for good? (There are other mechanics out there, you know.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hanna is going for coffee
Hanna, 23, from Canada asks:
Victor! Thanks very much for your advise. I did ask my financial advisor for COFFEE!!
It took me a while to ask him and now I am very nervous.. So hear me out.
I left him a message that I needed to talk to him about my banking and if he could ring me back.
A day later.. which was just now .. he called and I started asking all these questions (investments) which I was not really interested in. He was very kind and tried his best to answer. He also asked me if I had any plans for this weekend. I said not very much and asked about his plans. He said not too much maybe going to Toronto downtown or golfing. So then I decided maybe I could ask him for coffee this weekend.
THEN I asked him if he wanted to go out for some coffee? He said "Sure, I think I can do that."
But I did not want him to go out for coffee just because he couldn't say No. I told him it is fine if he doesn't want to. And he said that is not a problem.
Ok! So Victor.. I asked when would he be available, he said next Tuesday.. (well.. why not tomorrow? Didn't he say no special plans for this weekend?) And he asked for my email address..(he knows my phone number..?) and said he should get back to me later since his relatives are visiting his place until next week and he wants to make sure they don't make plans on Tuesday. I said "Fine, let me know"
After I hung up the phone with him.. I felt like I should not have asked him for coffee. Victor, I am very embarrassed. Why he would want to get back to me with email instead of just calling me back? Wouldn't that be easier?
VictorM's answer:
Hey, you did great! Only one thing. Next time, don't ask when he would be available. Say: How's tomorrow at 2? Something like that.
But anyway, it all sounds good to me. The only thing I fear is that he may think you want to talk business. Was it clear this would be a social thing, not business?
But asking for your email makes sense. If he's going to contact you from work, doing it over the phone where others can hear may not be a good idea.
He didn't say he was free this weekend. He indicated he might go golfing. Plus he said he had relatives over. True or not, it seems possible that the weekend was just too soon for him.
The other thing that might still be of concern to him, and maybe he wants to check around first, is how at risk would his job be if he sees a client socially? Many companies frown on that. So if he turns you down, this could be the reason.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about and everything to be proud of yourself. Even if he's not interested, I can assure you he'll be very flattered that you asked. So take out of your mind any thoughts that he'll be laughing at you. That will NOT happen.
Now... on Tuesday... don't slurp your coffee! :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Victor! Thanks very much for your advise. I did ask my financial advisor for COFFEE!!
It took me a while to ask him and now I am very nervous.. So hear me out.
I left him a message that I needed to talk to him about my banking and if he could ring me back.
A day later.. which was just now .. he called and I started asking all these questions (investments) which I was not really interested in. He was very kind and tried his best to answer. He also asked me if I had any plans for this weekend. I said not very much and asked about his plans. He said not too much maybe going to Toronto downtown or golfing. So then I decided maybe I could ask him for coffee this weekend.
THEN I asked him if he wanted to go out for some coffee? He said "Sure, I think I can do that."
But I did not want him to go out for coffee just because he couldn't say No. I told him it is fine if he doesn't want to. And he said that is not a problem.
Ok! So Victor.. I asked when would he be available, he said next Tuesday.. (well.. why not tomorrow? Didn't he say no special plans for this weekend?) And he asked for my email address..(he knows my phone number..?) and said he should get back to me later since his relatives are visiting his place until next week and he wants to make sure they don't make plans on Tuesday. I said "Fine, let me know"
After I hung up the phone with him.. I felt like I should not have asked him for coffee. Victor, I am very embarrassed. Why he would want to get back to me with email instead of just calling me back? Wouldn't that be easier?
VictorM's answer:
Hey, you did great! Only one thing. Next time, don't ask when he would be available. Say: How's tomorrow at 2? Something like that.
But anyway, it all sounds good to me. The only thing I fear is that he may think you want to talk business. Was it clear this would be a social thing, not business?
But asking for your email makes sense. If he's going to contact you from work, doing it over the phone where others can hear may not be a good idea.
He didn't say he was free this weekend. He indicated he might go golfing. Plus he said he had relatives over. True or not, it seems possible that the weekend was just too soon for him.
The other thing that might still be of concern to him, and maybe he wants to check around first, is how at risk would his job be if he sees a client socially? Many companies frown on that. So if he turns you down, this could be the reason.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about and everything to be proud of yourself. Even if he's not interested, I can assure you he'll be very flattered that you asked. So take out of your mind any thoughts that he'll be laughing at you. That will NOT happen.
Now... on Tuesday... don't slurp your coffee! :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Melt a Guy's Heart
geena, 30, from usa asks:
What are some ways/moves to melt a guys heart?
VictorM's advice:
My first choice would be this:
A flamethrower! Not only would you melt his heart, but his testicles would be nothing but ash.
If seeing his body in flames is not your thing, you can try something that's a little more precise:
You can melt his heart without destroying other organs. Just imagine the twitching while you do it.
In case that's not what you meant, how about this: sincere compliments! That's all you have to do. Simple, sincere compliments.
Did he just get a haircut? Say: "New haircut, Jim? Looks niiice". Smile and walk away. A new shirt, new belt, new tie, they are all good occasions to compliment. Most guys seldom get compliments. Do it and you'll have him eating out of your hand. But remember: make them short, make them simple, and above all, be sincere.
Compliments by themselves may not melt the guy's heart, but it'll get you close enough to generate heat. The rest, as they say, it's all up to fate.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What are some ways/moves to melt a guys heart?
VictorM's advice:
My first choice would be this:
A flamethrower! Not only would you melt his heart, but his testicles would be nothing but ash.
If seeing his body in flames is not your thing, you can try something that's a little more precise:
You can melt his heart without destroying other organs. Just imagine the twitching while you do it.
In case that's not what you meant, how about this: sincere compliments! That's all you have to do. Simple, sincere compliments.
Did he just get a haircut? Say: "New haircut, Jim? Looks niiice". Smile and walk away. A new shirt, new belt, new tie, they are all good occasions to compliment. Most guys seldom get compliments. Do it and you'll have him eating out of your hand. But remember: make them short, make them simple, and above all, be sincere.
Compliments by themselves may not melt the guy's heart, but it'll get you close enough to generate heat. The rest, as they say, it's all up to fate.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He Wants To Get Married and Have Kids
Samatha, 25, from CA asks:
I have been dating this guy for the past year. The other night we were at a party where he had been drinking and we left and went back to my place. He then tells me that he wants to get married and have kids. I didn't know what to say because he is 22 and I didn't think that he was ready for that. I told him that if he asked me then we could get married. The truth is that I am ready to get married and be settled, but it has been three days and he has not said anything else about us getting married. Should I just forget about it because he was drinking or do you think I should ask him what the long term plans are with our relationship? I am not sure if I should press the subject or leave it alone.
VictorM's advice:
He had been drinking. Don't hold him to anything he said.
I don't think you should press the subject but you shouldn't leave it alone either. You could remind him of what he said when he was drinking. Ask him if he remembers saying it. This will bring up the subject.
Planning to getting married shouldn't be just up to the guy. You two should decide when you're both ready. I see nothing wrong with you saying that you are ready for marriage so that he knows where you stand. But avoid coming on as if you're pressuring him to make a decision.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been dating this guy for the past year. The other night we were at a party where he had been drinking and we left and went back to my place. He then tells me that he wants to get married and have kids. I didn't know what to say because he is 22 and I didn't think that he was ready for that. I told him that if he asked me then we could get married. The truth is that I am ready to get married and be settled, but it has been three days and he has not said anything else about us getting married. Should I just forget about it because he was drinking or do you think I should ask him what the long term plans are with our relationship? I am not sure if I should press the subject or leave it alone.
VictorM's advice:
He had been drinking. Don't hold him to anything he said.
I don't think you should press the subject but you shouldn't leave it alone either. You could remind him of what he said when he was drinking. Ask him if he remembers saying it. This will bring up the subject.
Planning to getting married shouldn't be just up to the guy. You two should decide when you're both ready. I see nothing wrong with you saying that you are ready for marriage so that he knows where you stand. But avoid coming on as if you're pressuring him to make a decision.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Gangster Love
xiaogerrl, 17, asks:
How to make a gangster love you? We've been in contact and he seems to care about me. But when we meet up, he's quiet and keeps looking at his phone and calling others. Does he have interest in me??
VictorM's advice:
How you you make a gangster love you? You make him an offer he can't refuse. (OK, Godfather humor... nevermind.)
He could have an interest in you but he might just be coming up short in the social graces area. Tell him to turn off his phone when he's with you, or else...
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How to make a gangster love you? We've been in contact and he seems to care about me. But when we meet up, he's quiet and keeps looking at his phone and calling others. Does he have interest in me??
VictorM's advice:
How you you make a gangster love you? You make him an offer he can't refuse. (OK, Godfather humor... nevermind.)
He could have an interest in you but he might just be coming up short in the social graces area. Tell him to turn off his phone when he's with you, or else...
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Back Together Again
pica, 31, from uae asks:
My ex and I got back together again. He was engaged to someone when we broke up then he broke it off because he said he loves me. Then we were on again. He has asked me over 4 times to marry him but I said no most of the time. It was because I didn't think it was romantic enough the way he asked me. Now we have mellowed down, should I regret not saying yes?
VictorM's advice:
I assume he's suppose to figure out exactly what you mean by "romantic enough", right? Like, he has to read your mind and all?
Yes, you should regret saying no. But for his sake, I hope you keep saying no. This guy is going to have a terrible time with a wife who wants to marry a mind reader.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My ex and I got back together again. He was engaged to someone when we broke up then he broke it off because he said he loves me. Then we were on again. He has asked me over 4 times to marry him but I said no most of the time. It was because I didn't think it was romantic enough the way he asked me. Now we have mellowed down, should I regret not saying yes?
VictorM's advice:
I assume he's suppose to figure out exactly what you mean by "romantic enough", right? Like, he has to read your mind and all?
Yes, you should regret saying no. But for his sake, I hope you keep saying no. This guy is going to have a terrible time with a wife who wants to marry a mind reader.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, August 18, 2006
Wendy, part 2
Wendy, 31, from Cheeseland asks:
Just so you all know, I have already met the friends. It was the family who initiated the meeting. We discussed it happening, thanks to his sister taking a step up on the situation we are finally going to get to all meet. I have talked to his sister and brother in law before. And just so you all know, the ex wife is not going to be there. I wish she were there so I could show off my youth and non-wrinkled-ness. His children do know that he has a girlfriend but don’t inquire too much into their dads personal life. The sister of course sounds cool on the phone. I of course am a little resilient to meeting them because I don’t want to seem like a doormat or a trophy either. Believe me, if he was in the terms of old geezer, I would of never started to date him, age 54 and I am 31. I am with him because he is a sweet, compassionate man, and overall treats me very well, always kind and affectionate. I of course treat him well back. I don’t think I am being brought there to be shown off, but I am concerned of the first impressions, and overall, that ever pondering question of what if they don’t like me. Or even, what if the in-laws all stare and the wives get jealous!!! It’s a scary and sticky situation, but I will be sure to let all of you bloggers on ARGville know the outcome of this trip. Thanks for your comments I appreciate the help....
VictorM's comment:
Go get them Wendy! Have a blast. And yes, do let us know how it turned out.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Just so you all know, I have already met the friends. It was the family who initiated the meeting. We discussed it happening, thanks to his sister taking a step up on the situation we are finally going to get to all meet. I have talked to his sister and brother in law before. And just so you all know, the ex wife is not going to be there. I wish she were there so I could show off my youth and non-wrinkled-ness. His children do know that he has a girlfriend but don’t inquire too much into their dads personal life. The sister of course sounds cool on the phone. I of course am a little resilient to meeting them because I don’t want to seem like a doormat or a trophy either. Believe me, if he was in the terms of old geezer, I would of never started to date him, age 54 and I am 31. I am with him because he is a sweet, compassionate man, and overall treats me very well, always kind and affectionate. I of course treat him well back. I don’t think I am being brought there to be shown off, but I am concerned of the first impressions, and overall, that ever pondering question of what if they don’t like me. Or even, what if the in-laws all stare and the wives get jealous!!! It’s a scary and sticky situation, but I will be sure to let all of you bloggers on ARGville know the outcome of this trip. Thanks for your comments I appreciate the help....
VictorM's comment:
Go get them Wendy! Have a blast. And yes, do let us know how it turned out.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Lives 5.5 hours away
Jen, 25, from NY asks:
I am seeing this guy I met. He lives 5.5 hours from where I live. I go to college about an hour away from where he resides, anyway he and I have been seeing each other for over 3 years, and he drives 5.5 hours to see me during my break of school for the semester. This guy also hauled a car for my mom across the state and wouldn't take a dime, anyway he's obsessed with making money and I tend to come second to his money and things are usually to his convenience and arranges business around his visits. Does this guy care as he says or am I wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
Your characterization that he's obsessed with money is all I have to go by. Yet, he drives lots of hours to see you, helped your mom without taking money, so who knows... maybe he's just a guy intent on being successful. But, if you perceive it as being obsessed, that's what really matters.
I advise you to give deep thought to his behavior to make sure, in your mind, if you really think he's just someone who wants to succeed or someone whose greed dominates his motives. If it's the former, I see nothing wrong with it; if it's the latter, run away as fast as you can!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am seeing this guy I met. He lives 5.5 hours from where I live. I go to college about an hour away from where he resides, anyway he and I have been seeing each other for over 3 years, and he drives 5.5 hours to see me during my break of school for the semester. This guy also hauled a car for my mom across the state and wouldn't take a dime, anyway he's obsessed with making money and I tend to come second to his money and things are usually to his convenience and arranges business around his visits. Does this guy care as he says or am I wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
Your characterization that he's obsessed with money is all I have to go by. Yet, he drives lots of hours to see you, helped your mom without taking money, so who knows... maybe he's just a guy intent on being successful. But, if you perceive it as being obsessed, that's what really matters.
I advise you to give deep thought to his behavior to make sure, in your mind, if you really think he's just someone who wants to succeed or someone whose greed dominates his motives. If it's the former, I see nothing wrong with it; if it's the latter, run away as fast as you can!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
No Second Look
shae lynn, 15, asks:
I just broke up with my boyfriend because he would never talk to me or anything and I know its normal for a guy to be like that and all but I am fine with that! While I was going out with my ex I started having feelings for another guy...but there is one problem, I don't think he even takes a second look at me. My best friend said that he told her that he liked me while I was going out with this guy but I am not sure if I believe her! How can I tell if he likes me more then a friend or not?
VictorM's answer:
Wouldn't it be great if guys had a light bulb on top of their heads and it started flashing when he saw the girl he likes? Then you'd know and that mystery would be removed.
The problem is, it's mystery that juices up life. Not knowing, wondering, flirting, etc. that is part of the deal. It makes the whole process fun and exciting.
So, forget what your friend said. Do what you think you should do to catch his attention: talk, smile, compliment, flirt, pour a love potion on his drink, whatever it takes. If he responds, you go from there. If he doesn't, well... there's other guys out there without light bulbs on their heads.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I just broke up with my boyfriend because he would never talk to me or anything and I know its normal for a guy to be like that and all but I am fine with that! While I was going out with my ex I started having feelings for another guy...but there is one problem, I don't think he even takes a second look at me. My best friend said that he told her that he liked me while I was going out with this guy but I am not sure if I believe her! How can I tell if he likes me more then a friend or not?
VictorM's answer:
Wouldn't it be great if guys had a light bulb on top of their heads and it started flashing when he saw the girl he likes? Then you'd know and that mystery would be removed.
The problem is, it's mystery that juices up life. Not knowing, wondering, flirting, etc. that is part of the deal. It makes the whole process fun and exciting.
So, forget what your friend said. Do what you think you should do to catch his attention: talk, smile, compliment, flirt, pour a love potion on his drink, whatever it takes. If he responds, you go from there. If he doesn't, well... there's other guys out there without light bulbs on their heads.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Busy with family and church
Zeld, 18, from 684 asks:
My boyfriend is busy with things in his family and church. He hardly calls me anymore and if I don't call him, we won't be talking. I hate calling the house because of his aunty's. I can't go on like this.... you know without talking to each other or seeing each other. I wanna move on and let him go but I love him too much. I tried breaking up with him but he doesn't want to. I don't know what to do.... the more we don't talk... the more self doubts I have for him. Please tell me, what is your advice?
VictorM's advice:
I assume you have talked to him about this and he has done nothing about it. If at this stage of the relationship, when guys usually try their hardest, he's not giving you the time you think you deserve, what do you think is going to happen later in life? He's doing what he wants to do: he spends time with his family and church, and he has you only when he wants you. Life is good... for him.
It doesn't matter how much time he spends with you, all that matters is that you don't think it's enough. I don't care how much you love him, the fact is there's a mismatch between you two in terms of attention needed and attention given. And what's the point of staying with someone who doesn't give you attention?
You tried breaking up but he doesn't want to? So? It takes two to stay together but only one to break-up. You don't need his approval or consent for that. Break-up! And when you do, don't sit at home and mope. Go out. Do things. Have fun. Break current routines, start new ones. Meet new guys. Don't expect to like many of them. Doesn't matter. Keep busy. Keep looking.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend is busy with things in his family and church. He hardly calls me anymore and if I don't call him, we won't be talking. I hate calling the house because of his aunty's. I can't go on like this.... you know without talking to each other or seeing each other. I wanna move on and let him go but I love him too much. I tried breaking up with him but he doesn't want to. I don't know what to do.... the more we don't talk... the more self doubts I have for him. Please tell me, what is your advice?
VictorM's advice:
I assume you have talked to him about this and he has done nothing about it. If at this stage of the relationship, when guys usually try their hardest, he's not giving you the time you think you deserve, what do you think is going to happen later in life? He's doing what he wants to do: he spends time with his family and church, and he has you only when he wants you. Life is good... for him.
It doesn't matter how much time he spends with you, all that matters is that you don't think it's enough. I don't care how much you love him, the fact is there's a mismatch between you two in terms of attention needed and attention given. And what's the point of staying with someone who doesn't give you attention?
You tried breaking up but he doesn't want to? So? It takes two to stay together but only one to break-up. You don't need his approval or consent for that. Break-up! And when you do, don't sit at home and mope. Go out. Do things. Have fun. Break current routines, start new ones. Meet new guys. Don't expect to like many of them. Doesn't matter. Keep busy. Keep looking.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Meeting the relatives
Wendy, 30, from Cheeseland asks:
I am wondering, what is a guy thinking when his family wants you to meet all the relatives? I am curious if this shows a sign of devotion, sincerity and futuristic plans. My boyfriend is 20+ years older than I am, and the family is having a celebration for the upcoming Labor Day. I am nervous as all hell, and wonder what is going through that male mind of his without having to ask, what are you thinking. Please advise. Wendy from Cheeseland
VictorM's advice:
Well, it could very well be that he's serious about you and wants start including you as part of the family.
But don't discount that he may be showing off his gorgeous and much younger girlfriend. It sure would be great for his ego for everyone to know he still "got it". Does he have an ex-wife? If so, is she going to be there? If the answer is yes... um... well, it may be time to rub your youth and beauty on her wrinkly face and droopy boobs.
But look, this is really not up to him; it's up to you. If you feel comfortable about it, go. Have a great time, meet everyone, see how he relates to them and them to him. You can tell a lot about a guy based on how he deals with his family. If, however, it's too soon or you feel his intentions are fishy, decline to go. This really is your call, not his.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am wondering, what is a guy thinking when his family wants you to meet all the relatives? I am curious if this shows a sign of devotion, sincerity and futuristic plans. My boyfriend is 20+ years older than I am, and the family is having a celebration for the upcoming Labor Day. I am nervous as all hell, and wonder what is going through that male mind of his without having to ask, what are you thinking. Please advise. Wendy from Cheeseland
VictorM's advice:
Well, it could very well be that he's serious about you and wants start including you as part of the family.
But don't discount that he may be showing off his gorgeous and much younger girlfriend. It sure would be great for his ego for everyone to know he still "got it". Does he have an ex-wife? If so, is she going to be there? If the answer is yes... um... well, it may be time to rub your youth and beauty on her wrinkly face and droopy boobs.
But look, this is really not up to him; it's up to you. If you feel comfortable about it, go. Have a great time, meet everyone, see how he relates to them and them to him. You can tell a lot about a guy based on how he deals with his family. If, however, it's too soon or you feel his intentions are fishy, decline to go. This really is your call, not his.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Rebecca, part 3
Rebecca, 20, from South Africa asks:
Dear Victor, It's me again (although I've had a birthday in the meantime ;) Well, I took your advice, took the plunge, and asked him if he wanted to go for coffee. He couldn't make the time I suggested, but said he would like to go another time. Eventually we found a time we could both make it, which turned out to be a lot harder than I thought! Anyway, this just happened to fall on the Saturday of my birthday. He had to cancel because his best friend was having a crisis or something, but said he felt really bad about messing me around on my birthday, and that he'd make it up to me on Monday (ie. today). We didn't make a specific plan on the phone, but I thought that since he cancelled, that he would call me to arrange something. Well, I haven't heard from him. He may or may not have a valid excuse, but what I want to know is how long can I keep on compromising without starting to look like a loser who has no life? I really like this guy, but I don't want to look like a a complete doormat because he keeps messing me around. I know this also may look like he's just playing games with me, but I don't want to give up that easily, and believe his reasons for not being able to make it before. At the same time, however, I don't want to sacrifice my dignity by fighting for a lost cause. Any suggestions?
VictorM's advice:
Hey, first of all Happy Birthday! You're my number one customer now. :)
Well, if you believe his reasons for missing out that's all that matters. Making it up to you on Monday, in guy talk, really means the week that sta
Dear Victor, It's me again (although I've had a birthday in the meantime ;) Well, I took your advice, took the plunge, and asked him if he wanted to go for coffee. He couldn't make the time I suggested, but said he would like to go another time. Eventually we found a time we could both make it, which turned out to be a lot harder than I thought! Anyway, this just happened to fall on the Saturday of my birthday. He had to cancel because his best friend was having a crisis or something, but said he felt really bad about messing me around on my birthday, and that he'd make it up to me on Monday (ie. today). We didn't make a specific plan on the phone, but I thought that since he cancelled, that he would call me to arrange something. Well, I haven't heard from him. He may or may not have a valid excuse, but what I want to know is how long can I keep on compromising without starting to look like a loser who has no life? I really like this guy, but I don't want to look like a a complete doormat because he keeps messing me around. I know this also may look like he's just playing games with me, but I don't want to give up that easily, and believe his reasons for not being able to make it before. At the same time, however, I don't want to sacrifice my dignity by fighting for a lost cause. Any suggestions?
VictorM's advice:
Hey, first of all Happy Birthday! You're my number one customer now. :)
Well, if you believe his reasons for missing out that's all that matters. Making it up to you on Monday, in guy talk, really means the week that sta