Thursday, August 31, 2006
Rebecca, part 4
Rebecca, 20, from South Africa asks:
Dear VictorArgh! I haven't had internet access and it's been driving me crazy not to be able to ask you about this! Well, here goes...I called him, he didn't answer. I left a message asking him to get back to me, and he did call back and apologised profusely for not getting back to me. Then after another arrangement which we both cancelled for different reasons, eventually he contacted me and said he'd like to take me out for coffee because he'd been so bad about messing me around (I gather there was a lot of stuff going on in his life). So we went on Saturday, had a really nice time...we had a lot to talk about, we make each other laugh and it wasn't awkward or anything. He also thanked me several times for actually meeting him after he'd been so bad about getting back to me. My problem is that while I think it went well, I'm still not sure if he actually thought it was a date or just a friendly thing. I feel like he should know that I like him, because my asking him out for coffee was pretty out of the blue, but I also know that guys are incredibly dense sometimes and my version of obvious can actually be quite subtle. I do really like him and refuse to give up without knowing if there's a chance, so I was thinking, I'd like to ask him if he wants to do something again and then asking him, just out of curiosity, why he thought I suggested it in the first place. Does that sound like a good idea? Do you have any other suggestions? I would really appreciate it!
VictorM's advice:
Hi there Rebecca. I'm glad you're back online. I was starving for news about your mini soap opera story. :)
True, guys can be dense about hints and such, but I doubt that you going out with him didn't register -- I think it did. I really believe you're doing very well and I suggest you keep it sorta friendly for now. If you show too much interest, or even worse, start asking him leading questions, he might feel overwhelmed. I strongly suggest you don't ask him why he thinks you're asking him out. He's no dummy (if he was you wouldn't be after him, I'm sure). I think he's well aware of your interest but he's playing it cool, letting something between you two develop slowly, and frankly, that's the best way to go.
You sound very impatient but think about it this way: if he likes you he's not going to disappear on you; if he's not that much into you, pushing him to go faster isn't going to make him like you. Go easy, go slow.
Make sure you get internet access and keep us posted.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Dear VictorArgh! I haven't had internet access and it's been driving me crazy not to be able to ask you about this! Well, here goes...I called him, he didn't answer. I left a message asking him to get back to me, and he did call back and apologised profusely for not getting back to me. Then after another arrangement which we both cancelled for different reasons, eventually he contacted me and said he'd like to take me out for coffee because he'd been so bad about messing me around (I gather there was a lot of stuff going on in his life). So we went on Saturday, had a really nice time...we had a lot to talk about, we make each other laugh and it wasn't awkward or anything. He also thanked me several times for actually meeting him after he'd been so bad about getting back to me. My problem is that while I think it went well, I'm still not sure if he actually thought it was a date or just a friendly thing. I feel like he should know that I like him, because my asking him out for coffee was pretty out of the blue, but I also know that guys are incredibly dense sometimes and my version of obvious can actually be quite subtle. I do really like him and refuse to give up without knowing if there's a chance, so I was thinking, I'd like to ask him if he wants to do something again and then asking him, just out of curiosity, why he thought I suggested it in the first place. Does that sound like a good idea? Do you have any other suggestions? I would really appreciate it!
VictorM's advice:
Hi there Rebecca. I'm glad you're back online. I was starving for news about your mini soap opera story. :)
True, guys can be dense about hints and such, but I doubt that you going out with him didn't register -- I think it did. I really believe you're doing very well and I suggest you keep it sorta friendly for now. If you show too much interest, or even worse, start asking him leading questions, he might feel overwhelmed. I strongly suggest you don't ask him why he thinks you're asking him out. He's no dummy (if he was you wouldn't be after him, I'm sure). I think he's well aware of your interest but he's playing it cool, letting something between you two develop slowly, and frankly, that's the best way to go.
You sound very impatient but think about it this way: if he likes you he's not going to disappear on you; if he's not that much into you, pushing him to go faster isn't going to make him like you. Go easy, go slow.
Make sure you get internet access and keep us posted.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hooking up every now and then
Kara, 20, from australia asks:
I have been friends with a guy for a year, for about a month now we have been hooking up every now and then (just kissing) how long do you think I should wait until we have sex? I don't want to wreck things because I really like him and want more out of this. Would a guy be less interested in a relationship and think a girl is easy if she initiates the sex?
VictorM's advice:
You hook up every now and do some kissing? Kara, in his mind you are already easy, never mind sex. Fair or not, that's how most guys think. Right now you're just a friend with benefits, and that's a lousy seed for a serious relationship.
If you want a relationship, aim for that first. Let the kissing and sex come in due time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been friends with a guy for a year, for about a month now we have been hooking up every now and then (just kissing) how long do you think I should wait until we have sex? I don't want to wreck things because I really like him and want more out of this. Would a guy be less interested in a relationship and think a girl is easy if she initiates the sex?
VictorM's advice:
You hook up every now and do some kissing? Kara, in his mind you are already easy, never mind sex. Fair or not, that's how most guys think. Right now you're just a friend with benefits, and that's a lousy seed for a serious relationship.
If you want a relationship, aim for that first. Let the kissing and sex come in due time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Is grass greener?
Jamie, 25, from New Zealand asks:
I was texting a guy named Carl for 6 months because he wanted to get to know me before meeting, we have a few mutual friends. Then I started dating Damian, a guy I had known for a few years and after 3 weeks he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever and it was all too intense, but at the same time he wants to spend a lot of time alone with his friends and is still friends with his ex-girlfriends. Then Carl asked to visit and we clicked and started hanging out (just platonic). I told him I was seeing someone - he seems to know a few girls with boyfriends who also have a soft spot for him, so I'm wondering if he enjoys the flattery while still maintaining his singledom. As for Damian - his actions don't really match what he says. So in a nutshell - what do I do? I don't even know what Carl wants and when I told him I enjoy spending time with him but feel guilty he doesn't really say anything, although on a few occasions he has said he finds me attractive and has told our mutual friends that I am nice. I feel so disloyal because I have feelings for Carl although I have not acted on them and wonder if perhaps I'm not really in to Damian, or maybe the grass always looks greener on the other side? Help!
VictorM's advice:
Carl says you're attractive and you're nice? Well, heck, I'm sure even your own father thinks that about you. That says nothing about Carl being interested in you other than as just another girl in his little black book.
If Damian isn't doing it for you, end the relationship. Whether Carl comes into your life or not that should have nothing to do with Damian not being the one for you.
The grass only looks greener on the other side when it's not green enough on your side.
Is singledom even a word? :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was texting a guy named Carl for 6 months because he wanted to get to know me before meeting, we have a few mutual friends. Then I started dating Damian, a guy I had known for a few years and after 3 weeks he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever and it was all too intense, but at the same time he wants to spend a lot of time alone with his friends and is still friends with his ex-girlfriends. Then Carl asked to visit and we clicked and started hanging out (just platonic). I told him I was seeing someone - he seems to know a few girls with boyfriends who also have a soft spot for him, so I'm wondering if he enjoys the flattery while still maintaining his singledom. As for Damian - his actions don't really match what he says. So in a nutshell - what do I do? I don't even know what Carl wants and when I told him I enjoy spending time with him but feel guilty he doesn't really say anything, although on a few occasions he has said he finds me attractive and has told our mutual friends that I am nice. I feel so disloyal because I have feelings for Carl although I have not acted on them and wonder if perhaps I'm not really in to Damian, or maybe the grass always looks greener on the other side? Help!
VictorM's advice:
Carl says you're attractive and you're nice? Well, heck, I'm sure even your own father thinks that about you. That says nothing about Carl being interested in you other than as just another girl in his little black book.
If Damian isn't doing it for you, end the relationship. Whether Carl comes into your life or not that should have nothing to do with Damian not being the one for you.
The grass only looks greener on the other side when it's not green enough on your side.
Is singledom even a word? :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He couldn't speak English
Stefania, 20, from UK asks:
My best friend hooked me up with her boyfriend's cousin a few months back. I was attracted to him, but because he couldn't speak English I was put off. Now a few months down the line, I'm finding hard not to think about him and wanting to see him. My friend tells me he feels the same way too, but recently when we were out he didn't act that way. He didn't once offer me a drink (he didn't drink himself), he cruised round the club with my friend's boyfriend for chicks to chat up, and when outside he left me to wait at the long queue for the taxi all by myself. What's confusing me, is the fact that I asked him clearly what he wanted with me, he said he wanted to see what I had to offer him. I don't think he's really that interested, maybe a one night stand is what is on his mind???
VictorM's advice:
I'm struck by the comment "he wanted to see what I had to offer him". I don't know about you, but I have the sneaky suspicion that much more serious than the language difference there's a big gap in what he perceives as the worth of a woman. I would strongly advise you to inquire into that aspect of his upbringing and personal beliefs. The last thing you want is to wind up as a second class citizen to a macho man.
Having said that, and hoping you're cutely aware of that possibility, it's also possible that he's playing hard to get to see just how interested you are. Guys do that often. They appear distant and uninterested just to see if you get curious about their behavior.
There's always the possibility he's after a one night stand, but frankly, that's something you have total control over. It'll only happen if you let it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My best friend hooked me up with her boyfriend's cousin a few months back. I was attracted to him, but because he couldn't speak English I was put off. Now a few months down the line, I'm finding hard not to think about him and wanting to see him. My friend tells me he feels the same way too, but recently when we were out he didn't act that way. He didn't once offer me a drink (he didn't drink himself), he cruised round the club with my friend's boyfriend for chicks to chat up, and when outside he left me to wait at the long queue for the taxi all by myself. What's confusing me, is the fact that I asked him clearly what he wanted with me, he said he wanted to see what I had to offer him. I don't think he's really that interested, maybe a one night stand is what is on his mind???
VictorM's advice:
I'm struck by the comment "he wanted to see what I had to offer him". I don't know about you, but I have the sneaky suspicion that much more serious than the language difference there's a big gap in what he perceives as the worth of a woman. I would strongly advise you to inquire into that aspect of his upbringing and personal beliefs. The last thing you want is to wind up as a second class citizen to a macho man.
Having said that, and hoping you're cutely aware of that possibility, it's also possible that he's playing hard to get to see just how interested you are. Guys do that often. They appear distant and uninterested just to see if you get curious about their behavior.
There's always the possibility he's after a one night stand, but frankly, that's something you have total control over. It'll only happen if you let it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Problem with trust
denise, 27, from cavan asks:
I have been going out with my boyfriend for nearly a year. He has battled with gambling in the past before I knew him. He told me that he doesn't gamble anymore but I don't know if I can believe him. He is good to me, he loves me and really cares for me but the problem is with trust. He was completely honest with me, I found a letter from a debt collector the other day, he owes 2000. I confronted him and he said it's a debt from a few years back that he hasn't sorted out yet. I found the other night that he lied to me about something else, he said he was too afraid to me before. I feel so hurt that he has lied to me and don't feel I can trust him even though I love him. I own a house with my sister who is single and I have my own car. My boyfriend lives at home, has a child to his ex and his future doesn't look good unless he starts being honest and sorts out his finances. I think he is a type of person who will always have money problems but he is a good person. I don't know what to do. It's so hard to find a nice loving person but how do we continue now? I can't see a happy future with this person. I am not materialistic but money does matter, I want him to be able to meet me half way so maybe we buy a house some day but I don't think that will happen.
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume that when you wrote "He was completely honest with me" you meant to type "He was not completely honest with me".
Money is important and you shouldn't dismiss it's significance but even if we cast that aside, what's left is more important. You have said two things that to me are deal breakers: 1) "he has lied to me and don't feel I can trust him", and 2) "I can't see a happy future with this person." The effort it would take for you to overcome the trust issue and be happy are immense, I would even dare say, impossible.
You also said "It's so hard to find a nice loving person". But Denise, you have not found that in this guy. You only think so because you've lowered your expectations too much. Yes, he may treat you nicely now, but a man who can't treat himself well will eventually turn on you. It's just a matter of time or a frustrating situation that he blames on you.
I have no doubt he could be a good soul, but people who don't take care of themselves for whatever reasons tend to be very nice to others because they need to be liked (it doesn't come from within). Once someone is in their inner circle, one of two things generally happen: they either take you for granted as they take themselves, or they become terribly dependent. Look at his relationship with his son and his parents for clues.
It's not like people can't turn they lives around -- they can -- but that happens much more in movies and romance novels than it does in real life. Absent some drastic condition that forces change, that likelihood is even more remote.
Here you have an habitual liar, with money problems, and addiction issues. The gambling addiction probably didn't go away; he just doesn't have money now. Once he comes into some money he might be tempted and the debts will pile up again. Now, I'm not saying he didn't beat his addiction, but I am rather skeptical. Gambling is a hard addiction to break from.
One last thing: do not confuse "treating you well" with "being a good person". Many a gangster, for example, treated their women well. That does not a good person make.
Don't sell yourself short and trade long term happiness for short term companionship. You seem to have a good grasp of the situation -- do NOT be afraid to make the right decision.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been going out with my boyfriend for nearly a year. He has battled with gambling in the past before I knew him. He told me that he doesn't gamble anymore but I don't know if I can believe him. He is good to me, he loves me and really cares for me but the problem is with trust. He was completely honest with me, I found a letter from a debt collector the other day, he owes 2000. I confronted him and he said it's a debt from a few years back that he hasn't sorted out yet. I found the other night that he lied to me about something else, he said he was too afraid to me before. I feel so hurt that he has lied to me and don't feel I can trust him even though I love him. I own a house with my sister who is single and I have my own car. My boyfriend lives at home, has a child to his ex and his future doesn't look good unless he starts being honest and sorts out his finances. I think he is a type of person who will always have money problems but he is a good person. I don't know what to do. It's so hard to find a nice loving person but how do we continue now? I can't see a happy future with this person. I am not materialistic but money does matter, I want him to be able to meet me half way so maybe we buy a house some day but I don't think that will happen.
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume that when you wrote "He was completely honest with me" you meant to type "He was not completely honest with me".
Money is important and you shouldn't dismiss it's significance but even if we cast that aside, what's left is more important. You have said two things that to me are deal breakers: 1) "he has lied to me and don't feel I can trust him", and 2) "I can't see a happy future with this person." The effort it would take for you to overcome the trust issue and be happy are immense, I would even dare say, impossible.
You also said "It's so hard to find a nice loving person". But Denise, you have not found that in this guy. You only think so because you've lowered your expectations too much. Yes, he may treat you nicely now, but a man who can't treat himself well will eventually turn on you. It's just a matter of time or a frustrating situation that he blames on you.
I have no doubt he could be a good soul, but people who don't take care of themselves for whatever reasons tend to be very nice to others because they need to be liked (it doesn't come from within). Once someone is in their inner circle, one of two things generally happen: they either take you for granted as they take themselves, or they become terribly dependent. Look at his relationship with his son and his parents for clues.
It's not like people can't turn they lives around -- they can -- but that happens much more in movies and romance novels than it does in real life. Absent some drastic condition that forces change, that likelihood is even more remote.
Here you have an habitual liar, with money problems, and addiction issues. The gambling addiction probably didn't go away; he just doesn't have money now. Once he comes into some money he might be tempted and the debts will pile up again. Now, I'm not saying he didn't beat his addiction, but I am rather skeptical. Gambling is a hard addiction to break from.
One last thing: do not confuse "treating you well" with "being a good person". Many a gangster, for example, treated their women well. That does not a good person make.
Don't sell yourself short and trade long term happiness for short term companionship. You seem to have a good grasp of the situation -- do NOT be afraid to make the right decision.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, August 28, 2006
Thoughts about leaving
lisa, 23, from lincs asks:
A lad I went out with 6 years ago recently told me he still has feelings for me and always has. I'm in a relationship and have been for 5 years and have a 4 year old son. My relationship hasn't been great lately. I'm always stuck in the house, doing nothing. I thought about leaving my boyfriend and getting back with my ex but just as I was going to I got told he was seeing somebody else. I asked him if he lied about what he said to me and said he didn't lie but knew I wouldn't break up with my boyfriend for him. Now I can't stop thinking about him.
VictorM's advice:
I don't think your problem is that you can't stop thinking of him; your problem is you haven't begun to think. Really, this notion that you'll make a decision to end things with one guy to bounce to another you haven't seen in 6 years is nutty. Besides, there's a little boy that factors in this equation.
So you don't get out of the house now... and that's why, because your current boyfriend ties you to the wall? I doubt it. See the door knob on the door? Use it. Find things that you have fun doing and do them.
Now, if you really have no feelings for your current boyfriend, or life with him is not worth it, fine, break-up with him. This should have nothing to do with the next guy. You should act now and put yourself in a position to start a new relationship without performing relationship gymnastics. Maybe the next guy will be with your ex (what made you break-up in the first place and why do you think things will work this time?) or it could be someone new. But if your life depends on bouncing from one guy to the next you're setting yourself up for major disappointments in life.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
A lad I went out with 6 years ago recently told me he still has feelings for me and always has. I'm in a relationship and have been for 5 years and have a 4 year old son. My relationship hasn't been great lately. I'm always stuck in the house, doing nothing. I thought about leaving my boyfriend and getting back with my ex but just as I was going to I got told he was seeing somebody else. I asked him if he lied about what he said to me and said he didn't lie but knew I wouldn't break up with my boyfriend for him. Now I can't stop thinking about him.
VictorM's advice:
I don't think your problem is that you can't stop thinking of him; your problem is you haven't begun to think. Really, this notion that you'll make a decision to end things with one guy to bounce to another you haven't seen in 6 years is nutty. Besides, there's a little boy that factors in this equation.
So you don't get out of the house now... and that's why, because your current boyfriend ties you to the wall? I doubt it. See the door knob on the door? Use it. Find things that you have fun doing and do them.
Now, if you really have no feelings for your current boyfriend, or life with him is not worth it, fine, break-up with him. This should have nothing to do with the next guy. You should act now and put yourself in a position to start a new relationship without performing relationship gymnastics. Maybe the next guy will be with your ex (what made you break-up in the first place and why do you think things will work this time?) or it could be someone new. But if your life depends on bouncing from one guy to the next you're setting yourself up for major disappointments in life.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Trick questions
Rach asks:
My boyfriend has been asking me some trick questions.. and he asked me have I ever loved anyone before and I thought he was meaning before us... I knew I shouldn't have told him but it was late and I wasn't thinking clearly so I told him about this guy once I just said the dude's name... and my boyfriend said you failed the trick question... it bothered me... I don't know what to do.. I'm not too big into that trick thing and from the sound of this voice on the phone... he sounded upset.. but he kinda like blew it off yet didn't let me forget... What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Here's a general rule you should follow for the rest of your life: if a guy asks you trick questions, dump his ass on the spot! I don't care if he's 11 (as may be the case here) or 60. Trick questions are attributes of immature, insecure, most toxic of people. You did nothing wrong; your boyfriend is just an immature twit (I like this word lately).
What do you do? You tell him next time he asks a trick question he'll be history and if he doesn't grow up you're going to find a real guy to date. Serioulsy, don't take that crap from this guy now. Learn to assert yourself or you'll be just a play thing to guys.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend has been asking me some trick questions.. and he asked me have I ever loved anyone before and I thought he was meaning before us... I knew I shouldn't have told him but it was late and I wasn't thinking clearly so I told him about this guy once I just said the dude's name... and my boyfriend said you failed the trick question... it bothered me... I don't know what to do.. I'm not too big into that trick thing and from the sound of this voice on the phone... he sounded upset.. but he kinda like blew it off yet didn't let me forget... What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Here's a general rule you should follow for the rest of your life: if a guy asks you trick questions, dump his ass on the spot! I don't care if he's 11 (as may be the case here) or 60. Trick questions are attributes of immature, insecure, most toxic of people. You did nothing wrong; your boyfriend is just an immature twit (I like this word lately).
What do you do? You tell him next time he asks a trick question he'll be history and if he doesn't grow up you're going to find a real guy to date. Serioulsy, don't take that crap from this guy now. Learn to assert yourself or you'll be just a play thing to guys.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Dead end street?
Andrea, 27, from Miami asks:
I've been dating this guy for 4 years, and he's cheated on me numerous times (confirmed). I went back with him every time thinking it would be different, but it hasn't. Last time was just 8 months ago, and I am constantly thinking that he's doing it again. I don't know if he is or if it is just my imagination. He says he loves me, and every time I try to leave him, he doesn't let me do it. Is this a dead end street?
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not a dead end street; it's a lot worse -- it's a vicious cycle. He will not change. Sadly, neither will you, no matter what I tell you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been dating this guy for 4 years, and he's cheated on me numerous times (confirmed). I went back with him every time thinking it would be different, but it hasn't. Last time was just 8 months ago, and I am constantly thinking that he's doing it again. I don't know if he is or if it is just my imagination. He says he loves me, and every time I try to leave him, he doesn't let me do it. Is this a dead end street?
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not a dead end street; it's a lot worse -- it's a vicious cycle. He will not change. Sadly, neither will you, no matter what I tell you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Broke-up out of the blue
~Me~, 22, from Florida asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and everything was great. We broke up about 2 weeks ago kind of out of the blue I mean we've had our arguments. But we went out to breakfast and dinner the other day, and went out for ice cream yesterday. We had a nice long talk and he said he thinks he's scared of commitment and knows it isn't fair to me, but he still keeps calling me babe. I really love him and I don't want to stay broken up with him at all. He always says stuff like I'm too good for him but that's not true..shouldn't I be the judge of that? He is everything to a tee of what I'm looking for. I've had boyfriends way longer than this one but I've never felt like this for anyone. How can you help someone get over a commitment issue? Is there any helping it? Is it a waste of my time?
VictorM's advice:
His fear of commitment just means of commitment with YOU.
See, he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. It's that simple. It's not to say he doesn't like you, but he just doesn't like you enough. He hates to break your heart, so he's hoping you find someone new, hence the references to him not being good enough for you. He's trying to push you away without breaking your heart but you're refusing to see it. The only reason he is talking with you now is because he feels sorry for you. But he will continue to seek distance.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and everything was great. We broke up about 2 weeks ago kind of out of the blue I mean we've had our arguments. But we went out to breakfast and dinner the other day, and went out for ice cream yesterday. We had a nice long talk and he said he thinks he's scared of commitment and knows it isn't fair to me, but he still keeps calling me babe. I really love him and I don't want to stay broken up with him at all. He always says stuff like I'm too good for him but that's not true..shouldn't I be the judge of that? He is everything to a tee of what I'm looking for. I've had boyfriends way longer than this one but I've never felt like this for anyone. How can you help someone get over a commitment issue? Is there any helping it? Is it a waste of my time?
VictorM's advice:
His fear of commitment just means of commitment with YOU.
See, he doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. It's that simple. It's not to say he doesn't like you, but he just doesn't like you enough. He hates to break your heart, so he's hoping you find someone new, hence the references to him not being good enough for you. He's trying to push you away without breaking your heart but you're refusing to see it. The only reason he is talking with you now is because he feels sorry for you. But he will continue to seek distance.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
All of these books
Lori, 44, from Texas asks:
I am so confused about all of these books that say if you want a man to commit to marriage you have to do this and make sure you don't do that...basically make him feel like he is the greatest man on earth but at the same time be aloof and lead him to believe that he just might lose you by not making a decision about the ultimate commitment. My boyfriend is still married to someone else that he has not seen over 15 years and he tells me he is not in love with her. He has a daughter that just turned 18. We have been together for 17 months. I do not want to pressure him about anything but I just want the truth..... Is he really serious about not getting married to me or is he just afraid of being alone and I will do until the right one comes along? What is the best way to find out the truth? He does not like to talk about deep issues. I love men to death especially my boyfriend, but this time I am caught up in something I can't figure out or I refuse to see the truth. Any thoughts, wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated....tried to keep this short and simple as possible...smiles!
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume your relationship with him his fine. You love him and I suppose he feels the same way about you. Obviously, you're both doing the right things by the other. Keep it that way.
Why is he still married after 15 years? I wish I knew. One thing I know for sure: going through the divorce process can be costly and terribly annoying, depending on the relationship between the husband and wife. Maybe he just has never felt the need to deal with that hassle. Will he if you two decide marriage is on the horizon? Hard to say, but is willingness, or lack of it, to do it will tell you where things stand between you two.
Talk to him about it. Ask him why he hasn't gotten divorced. After a relationship of 17 months you have the right to know. And unless he can give you a great reason -- something I can't imagine what it could be -- you have a right to not want to go on with a married man.
Don't let yourself be manipulated by this issue because any man that skirts this issue is not a man worth waiting around for.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am so confused about all of these books that say if you want a man to commit to marriage you have to do this and make sure you don't do that...basically make him feel like he is the greatest man on earth but at the same time be aloof and lead him to believe that he just might lose you by not making a decision about the ultimate commitment. My boyfriend is still married to someone else that he has not seen over 15 years and he tells me he is not in love with her. He has a daughter that just turned 18. We have been together for 17 months. I do not want to pressure him about anything but I just want the truth..... Is he really serious about not getting married to me or is he just afraid of being alone and I will do until the right one comes along? What is the best way to find out the truth? He does not like to talk about deep issues. I love men to death especially my boyfriend, but this time I am caught up in something I can't figure out or I refuse to see the truth. Any thoughts, wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated....tried to keep this short and simple as possible...smiles!
VictorM's advice:
I'm going to assume your relationship with him his fine. You love him and I suppose he feels the same way about you. Obviously, you're both doing the right things by the other. Keep it that way.
Why is he still married after 15 years? I wish I knew. One thing I know for sure: going through the divorce process can be costly and terribly annoying, depending on the relationship between the husband and wife. Maybe he just has never felt the need to deal with that hassle. Will he if you two decide marriage is on the horizon? Hard to say, but is willingness, or lack of it, to do it will tell you where things stand between you two.
Talk to him about it. Ask him why he hasn't gotten divorced. After a relationship of 17 months you have the right to know. And unless he can give you a great reason -- something I can't imagine what it could be -- you have a right to not want to go on with a married man.
Don't let yourself be manipulated by this issue because any man that skirts this issue is not a man worth waiting around for.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, August 25, 2006
Screaming Inside
sue, 46, from England asks:
I have been living with a man for sixteen years now. When I first met him he told me he was a widow and his wife had died of cancer. Eleven years later I found out she is alive and well. He keeps saying he will get a divorce but it never happens. All the time I have been living with him he has refused to take me out any where and I have no friends. If I ask him to change things he just gets in a temper and refuses to change any thing. He used to be violent, that has stopped now but I am still scared of his temper. He is sixteen years older than me. No matter how I try I can't seem to move forward. I know I can't go on like this. All the time I feel like I am screaming inside. Have you any advice on how I can change things. I am so scared I can't make it on my own.
VictorM's advice:
Boy, your situation is not easy. I have no idea about your economic/job situation but I'm going to assume you could manage financially by yourself.
There is no need for you to go at this alone. Walking away from such a relationship is hard. Many people will tell you it should be easy because he's such a jerk, but the truth is living with the same person for so many years becomes like an addiction. You become addicted to his scent, to his touch, to his general presence, etc. and even if you can't stand him, your body will yearn for him. So, don't put yourself down if you can't do it alone. I even say you're better off trying to break away alone.
The kind of fear you describe is not easy to overcome, certainly not with the few words I could dish out on this page. I suggest you look around in your area for support groups that help women such as yourself. It's important for you to find an environment where you can make friends. People to talk to, go to movies with, or participate in activities with other women that share your interest. For example, if you like cooking, join a cooking class. Start creating a support group of people who will be there to help you along, to keep you company, to help you avoid the loneliness that comes with a drastic change in life.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been living with a man for sixteen years now. When I first met him he told me he was a widow and his wife had died of cancer. Eleven years later I found out she is alive and well. He keeps saying he will get a divorce but it never happens. All the time I have been living with him he has refused to take me out any where and I have no friends. If I ask him to change things he just gets in a temper and refuses to change any thing. He used to be violent, that has stopped now but I am still scared of his temper. He is sixteen years older than me. No matter how I try I can't seem to move forward. I know I can't go on like this. All the time I feel like I am screaming inside. Have you any advice on how I can change things. I am so scared I can't make it on my own.
VictorM's advice:
Boy, your situation is not easy. I have no idea about your economic/job situation but I'm going to assume you could manage financially by yourself.
There is no need for you to go at this alone. Walking away from such a relationship is hard. Many people will tell you it should be easy because he's such a jerk, but the truth is living with the same person for so many years becomes like an addiction. You become addicted to his scent, to his touch, to his general presence, etc. and even if you can't stand him, your body will yearn for him. So, don't put yourself down if you can't do it alone. I even say you're better off trying to break away alone.
The kind of fear you describe is not easy to overcome, certainly not with the few words I could dish out on this page. I suggest you look around in your area for support groups that help women such as yourself. It's important for you to find an environment where you can make friends. People to talk to, go to movies with, or participate in activities with other women that share your interest. For example, if you like cooking, join a cooking class. Start creating a support group of people who will be there to help you along, to keep you company, to help you avoid the loneliness that comes with a drastic change in life.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Flirting in church trip
hurt, from not a chance sorry asks:
ok so this guy I've known my whole life starts flirting with me on this church trip. And he used to make fun of me a lot when I was little and so after a while it finally hit me. Is he flirting with me? So after we got back I took a chance and asked him to home-coming and he said he might be able to he'd have to check and he never called me back or anything. But he still tends to flirt with me. Help!!! What do I do!!!
VictorM's advice:
You didn't want to say your age so I'm going to assume middle teens (home-coming... middle teens... I'm such a genius.) :)
Guys start flirting at your age whether they like the girl or not. It's all about starting to feel like a man and flirting with girls is part of that process. Maybe he likes you, maybe he doesn't; his flirting is no indication of either. In fact, pay attention to his behavior in school or church. I bet he flirts with other girls too.
Did you give him a due date for his answer? If not, then he doesn't have to answer you yet and he's waiting to see who else asks him. You might want to talk to him and tell him you need an answer by a certain date.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
ok so this guy I've known my whole life starts flirting with me on this church trip. And he used to make fun of me a lot when I was little and so after a while it finally hit me. Is he flirting with me? So after we got back I took a chance and asked him to home-coming and he said he might be able to he'd have to check and he never called me back or anything. But he still tends to flirt with me. Help!!! What do I do!!!
VictorM's advice:
You didn't want to say your age so I'm going to assume middle teens (home-coming... middle teens... I'm such a genius.) :)
Guys start flirting at your age whether they like the girl or not. It's all about starting to feel like a man and flirting with girls is part of that process. Maybe he likes you, maybe he doesn't; his flirting is no indication of either. In fact, pay attention to his behavior in school or church. I bet he flirts with other girls too.
Did you give him a due date for his answer? If not, then he doesn't have to answer you yet and he's waiting to see who else asks him. You might want to talk to him and tell him you need an answer by a certain date.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sex before love
May, 29, from Aisa asks:
I am just wondering how to get a man's heart if sex before love did happen. As I know, once having sex with a man on the first date he would lose his interest on the girl. Is there any way to make it up?
VictorM's advice:
Don't jump to the conclusion that the guy will lose interest. That's generally the case, but the opposite happens often enough. If you had sex with him and you now regret it, the best thing to do is: 1) don't have sex again until you're ready, and 2) go on with the relationship as if nothing happened. Of course it would make sense to explain to him why you're abstaining now, but don't fall into the trap that somehow you have to feel inferior or ashamed -- you shouldn't! Be assertive in your new decision.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am just wondering how to get a man's heart if sex before love did happen. As I know, once having sex with a man on the first date he would lose his interest on the girl. Is there any way to make it up?
VictorM's advice:
Don't jump to the conclusion that the guy will lose interest. That's generally the case, but the opposite happens often enough. If you had sex with him and you now regret it, the best thing to do is: 1) don't have sex again until you're ready, and 2) go on with the relationship as if nothing happened. Of course it would make sense to explain to him why you're abstaining now, but don't fall into the trap that somehow you have to feel inferior or ashamed -- you shouldn't! Be assertive in your new decision.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Types of questions
brandi bryant, 26, from tucson asks:
What kind of questions can I ask a guy?
VictorM's answer:
I assume you mean to get a conversation going. If that's so, ask him about something you know he's either passionate or knows a lot about. Even shy guys can become blabber mouths if you ask about the right topic. Don't ask questions that elicit a Yes or No answer. No "Do you..." type questions. "Tell me about [subject he knows a lot about]..." That sort of thing.
Try not to fall asleep while he talks your ears off.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What kind of questions can I ask a guy?
VictorM's answer:
I assume you mean to get a conversation going. If that's so, ask him about something you know he's either passionate or knows a lot about. Even shy guys can become blabber mouths if you ask about the right topic. Don't ask questions that elicit a Yes or No answer. No "Do you..." type questions. "Tell me about [subject he knows a lot about]..." That sort of thing.
Try not to fall asleep while he talks your ears off.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Doesn't show his feelings
sasha, 22, from canada asks:
I've been seeing this guy for a for few months now and it's been great. We met the first time and I left after 5 days for 2 and half months and we kept in touch a lot and he waited for me. We do a lot of things together and he always spends time with me, sometimes 6 days in row and sleeping over. But what I have realised is that he's not good at expressing his feelings to me, he doesn't like holding my hands when we are out, he doesn't show public affection at all, he doesn't really like to kiss me or hug me. He'll do it for a minute and that's about it, or he'll do it when he wants to get some.. and occasionally he'll tell me something sweet like, "Your a sweet girl" "you look nice" but I usually enjoy it when a guy expresses his feelings because I do it. I don't know what to do or think because sometimes I think since he's such an attractive, gorgeous man, (who also gets lots of attention from other people) he doesn't want to show that he's with me in public or something yet he spends so much time with me and is very nice and respects me a lot. When we walk together he might be in front of me or a little distant. I just don't get it. We walk as if we are just friends... any suggestions because I am confused. Thanks
VictorM's answer:
Maybe he's just a type of guy who doesn't like public displays of affection. Lots of people are like that. If so, there's usually a reason... such as growing up in a house where the family members aren't very touchy-feely kinda people.
Maybe he thinks of you as just a friend with benefits. That would explain everything.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been seeing this guy for a for few months now and it's been great. We met the first time and I left after 5 days for 2 and half months and we kept in touch a lot and he waited for me. We do a lot of things together and he always spends time with me, sometimes 6 days in row and sleeping over. But what I have realised is that he's not good at expressing his feelings to me, he doesn't like holding my hands when we are out, he doesn't show public affection at all, he doesn't really like to kiss me or hug me. He'll do it for a minute and that's about it, or he'll do it when he wants to get some.. and occasionally he'll tell me something sweet like, "Your a sweet girl" "you look nice" but I usually enjoy it when a guy expresses his feelings because I do it. I don't know what to do or think because sometimes I think since he's such an attractive, gorgeous man, (who also gets lots of attention from other people) he doesn't want to show that he's with me in public or something yet he spends so much time with me and is very nice and respects me a lot. When we walk together he might be in front of me or a little distant. I just don't get it. We walk as if we are just friends... any suggestions because I am confused. Thanks
VictorM's answer:
Maybe he's just a type of guy who doesn't like public displays of affection. Lots of people are like that. If so, there's usually a reason... such as growing up in a house where the family members aren't very touchy-feely kinda people.
Maybe he thinks of you as just a friend with benefits. That would explain everything.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Love confession over IM
wintereyes, 19, from Pennsylvania asks:
I like this guy, we are close, he takes me places and spends money on me, and is always telling me that he is there for me and how close he feels to me. One time, a little over a year ago, he wrote in an IM that he loved me...then immediately signed off... he did it a few more times too. He drove a long distance twice to visit me. Once to go to a football game... and he hates football. I finally told him that I liked him. He said that it wouldn't work out because we are so far apart and wouldn't give me anything else. He made it a point... but the situation on which it came out was weird. Involving his friend, as he said, lying to me about him liking and obsessing about me. I have no conclusion to it, it just doesn't make sense. The last time that he IMed me he told me that he loved me again. Now he doesn’t return calls and hardly talks to me after I expressed how I felt about him… I don’t get it.
VictorM's comment:
I'm confused by what you're trying to say in this passage: "He made it a point... but the situation on which it came out was weird. Involving his friend, as he said, lying to me about him liking and obsessing about me. I have no conclusion to it, it just doesn't make sense."
I'm going to assume some friend of his told you that he obsesses over you, which, according to him is a lie. If that's not what you mean, please write back and clarify.
I wouldn't put too much stock in "I love yous" over the internet. I often use that expression but not as a sign of romantic love. He may have meant it as he likes you.
While your feelings were still unknown to him you were like a puzzle. Once the answer to the puzzle was revealed (namely, you telling him that you like him) he started losing interest. It happens so often.
I don't think his friend telling you a lie figures much into this at all, maybe just coincidence.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I like this guy, we are close, he takes me places and spends money on me, and is always telling me that he is there for me and how close he feels to me. One time, a little over a year ago, he wrote in an IM that he loved me...then immediately signed off... he did it a few more times too. He drove a long distance twice to visit me. Once to go to a football game... and he hates football. I finally told him that I liked him. He said that it wouldn't work out because we are so far apart and wouldn't give me anything else. He made it a point... but the situation on which it came out was weird. Involving his friend, as he said, lying to me about him liking and obsessing about me. I have no conclusion to it, it just doesn't make sense. The last time that he IMed me he told me that he loved me again. Now he doesn’t return calls and hardly talks to me after I expressed how I felt about him… I don’t get it.
VictorM's comment:
I'm confused by what you're trying to say in this passage: "He made it a point... but the situation on which it came out was weird. Involving his friend, as he said, lying to me about him liking and obsessing about me. I have no conclusion to it, it just doesn't make sense."
I'm going to assume some friend of his told you that he obsesses over you, which, according to him is a lie. If that's not what you mean, please write back and clarify.
I wouldn't put too much stock in "I love yous" over the internet. I often use that expression but not as a sign of romantic love. He may have meant it as he likes you.
While your feelings were still unknown to him you were like a puzzle. Once the answer to the puzzle was revealed (namely, you telling him that you like him) he started losing interest. It happens so often.
I don't think his friend telling you a lie figures much into this at all, maybe just coincidence.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Winking
Brigid Mason asks:
Do you ever wink at people you're not flirting with? This guy winked at me and kept looking at me. I don't know if he was flirting.
VictorM's advice:
Unless he has a tick or an eyelash stuck in his eye, I'd say a wink is a flirty move, specially if he keeps looking at you after it.
And no, I don't wink at people. Besides, I can't wink very well. But thanks for asking. ;-)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Do you ever wink at people you're not flirting with? This guy winked at me and kept looking at me. I don't know if he was flirting.
VictorM's advice:
Unless he has a tick or an eyelash stuck in his eye, I'd say a wink is a flirty move, specially if he keeps looking at you after it.
And no, I don't wink at people. Besides, I can't wink very well. But thanks for asking. ;-)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Age difference range
anonymous from spotsylvania asks:
I would like to know if age matters to a guy. [I understand some guys judge our maturity level by our age, etc.] but also, I'd like to know, that if age does matter to a guy, why, what's the "range", and how to persuade a guy that age difference isn't something "bad".
VictorM's answer:
You asked a very vague question because you don't mention your age. But generally, there are some assumptions you can make: 1) guys like the girl to be younger; 2) the older they are the wider the age gap can be; 3) younger guys fantasize with much older women; older guys fantasize with younger women but when it comes to a relationship, closer to each other's age is the norm.
If you're a teenager, chances are that teenage boys will be attracted to you. Older guys tend to want to date girls that can go to clubs or bars with them. Once both are in their late 20's the age gap acceptance gets a little wider. By the time they're in their 40's and beyond, age differences of 10, 20 or even more years is not that uncommon, but again, almost always with the guy being older than the girl.
There is a silly guideline that's often used. It goes like this: a guy should only date a girl after she's half his age plus seven. So, if he's 18, she should be at least 16. If he's 26, she should be at least 20. If he's 54, she should be at least 34, etc. I have no idea who came up with that or why, but that's the guideline. Take for whatever it's worth (frankly, I say pay no attention to it).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I would like to know if age matters to a guy. [I understand some guys judge our maturity level by our age, etc.] but also, I'd like to know, that if age does matter to a guy, why, what's the "range", and how to persuade a guy that age difference isn't something "bad".
VictorM's answer:
You asked a very vague question because you don't mention your age. But generally, there are some assumptions you can make: 1) guys like the girl to be younger; 2) the older they are the wider the age gap can be; 3) younger guys fantasize with much older women; older guys fantasize with younger women but when it comes to a relationship, closer to each other's age is the norm.
If you're a teenager, chances are that teenage boys will be attracted to you. Older guys tend to want to date girls that can go to clubs or bars with them. Once both are in their late 20's the age gap acceptance gets a little wider. By the time they're in their 40's and beyond, age differences of 10, 20 or even more years is not that uncommon, but again, almost always with the guy being older than the girl.
There is a silly guideline that's often used. It goes like this: a guy should only date a girl after she's half his age plus seven. So, if he's 18, she should be at least 16. If he's 26, she should be at least 20. If he's 54, she should be at least 34, etc. I have no idea who came up with that or why, but that's the guideline. Take for whatever it's worth (frankly, I say pay no attention to it).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, August 21, 2006
The quick question that isn't
me, 19 asks:
I have a quick question. (I think I asked about something related to it a while ago on here)...Around a month and a half ago I got asked out by a guy at work who I did not know. I never gave him a straight answer though, because I wanted to get to know him a bit better first. Then, I realized that I shouldn't date him (although I was attracted to him, my mind kept telling me not to .. he does things I don't like..(like smoking).. which are not on my list of "datable guys")..but since he's leaving away for university next week, I was thinking that since I'm still attracted to him (I really do like him), then one date would not hurt (I think I might regret not going out with him). We still talk now at work and on msn all the time..but the thing is that, I don't know how he would feel if I ask him to go on a date NOW (ie. a month and a half later and a week before he leaves) .. I know waited for soo long..I was worried that if I went on a date with him earlier then it would develop into something serious (which I do not want)... I do not know what his relationship status now (although I'm 90%+ sure that he is single.. but that 10% is still there..)...but anyway.. assuming he's single.. how do I ask him out.. just for that one date...should I even bother.. or should I just drop it? ..oops.. that wasn't a quick question after all! hehe..
VictorM's advice:
There is nothing worse in life than regrets. Nothing!
OK, well maybe this is:
You will never regret having gone out with him, even if the date is a disaster, but you'll always wonder what it would be like if you don't go. So do it. Ask him out on a date. Don't say it's just this once, don't mention him leaving. He asked you out once, you needed more time to know him, now you're interested on a date. He asked you before, now it's your turn to ask him. He took a risk and got a no. The same might happen to you, but you'll live just like he has.
So ask him! And ask him not to smoke around you (but only after he says yes).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have a quick question. (I think I asked about something related to it a while ago on here)...Around a month and a half ago I got asked out by a guy at work who I did not know. I never gave him a straight answer though, because I wanted to get to know him a bit better first. Then, I realized that I shouldn't date him (although I was attracted to him, my mind kept telling me not to .. he does things I don't like..(like smoking).. which are not on my list of "datable guys")..but since he's leaving away for university next week, I was thinking that since I'm still attracted to him (I really do like him), then one date would not hurt (I think I might regret not going out with him). We still talk now at work and on msn all the time..but the thing is that, I don't know how he would feel if I ask him to go on a date NOW (ie. a month and a half later and a week before he leaves) .. I know waited for soo long..I was worried that if I went on a date with him earlier then it would develop into something serious (which I do not want)... I do not know what his relationship status now (although I'm 90%+ sure that he is single.. but that 10% is still there..)...but anyway.. assuming he's single.. how do I ask him out.. just for that one date...should I even bother.. or should I just drop it? ..oops.. that wasn't a quick question after all! hehe..
VictorM's advice:
There is nothing worse in life than regrets. Nothing!
OK, well maybe this is:
You will never regret having gone out with him, even if the date is a disaster, but you'll always wonder what it would be like if you don't go. So do it. Ask him out on a date. Don't say it's just this once, don't mention him leaving. He asked you out once, you needed more time to know him, now you're interested on a date. He asked you before, now it's your turn to ask him. He took a risk and got a no. The same might happen to you, but you'll live just like he has.
So ask him! And ask him not to smoke around you (but only after he says yes).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Ex-boyfriend Keeping Her Things
Anna, 24, from Nebraska asks:
My boyfriend and I of four years broke up about a month ago. He brought up the idea and I agreed because I have wanted it too, I just didn't want to say anything. I gave him his things back about two and a half weeks ago. He left one thing of mine, and kept the others. I have been asking him for my things back, but he either ignores me or makes up excuses. Then this past week we had set up a day and time and he told me to call him when I was on my way. Well he didn't answer. So I talked to him two days later and he said sorry he wanted to sleep in. He keeps making excuses and it is annoying. What is his deal? Why won't he give me my things back? It was his idea to end it.
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that towards the end of the relationship, when you wanted to break-up but didn't want to say anything, you were (in his mind, not mine) a bitch, indifferent, or caused him to have no choice but to break-up with you. So now, he's going to give you a hard time back.
If the items are of no significant value, tell him to keep them. As long as you want them, he is in control and he can mess with you. If they are of value, file a small claims. Either way, stop dealing with him directly -- you'll just get aggravated and he'll be laughing and enjoying it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I of four years broke up about a month ago. He brought up the idea and I agreed because I have wanted it too, I just didn't want to say anything. I gave him his things back about two and a half weeks ago. He left one thing of mine, and kept the others. I have been asking him for my things back, but he either ignores me or makes up excuses. Then this past week we had set up a day and time and he told me to call him when I was on my way. Well he didn't answer. So I talked to him two days later and he said sorry he wanted to sleep in. He keeps making excuses and it is annoying. What is his deal? Why won't he give me my things back? It was his idea to end it.
VictorM's advice:
My guess is that towards the end of the relationship, when you wanted to break-up but didn't want to say anything, you were (in his mind, not mine) a bitch, indifferent, or caused him to have no choice but to break-up with you. So now, he's going to give you a hard time back.
If the items are of no significant value, tell him to keep them. As long as you want them, he is in control and he can mess with you. If they are of value, file a small claims. Either way, stop dealing with him directly -- you'll just get aggravated and he'll be laughing and enjoying it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Amber, again
amber, 29, from va asks:
Part 3 of a really lame problem. It was the same guys birthday--can you tell me why the gifts I gave him and he opened at his so-called house. Why he waited until I left and hid them in his car. In fact they are still in there. What would make a guy hide his presents in his car? Any help would be great, vic
VictorM's answer:
Amber, we're beating a dead horse here. The guy has something to hide and he's lying to you. Continue seeing him at your own risk.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Part 3 of a really lame problem. It was the same guys birthday--can you tell me why the gifts I gave him and he opened at his so-called house. Why he waited until I left and hid them in his car. In fact they are still in there. What would make a guy hide his presents in his car? Any help would be great, vic
VictorM's answer:
Amber, we're beating a dead horse here. The guy has something to hide and he's lying to you. Continue seeing him at your own risk.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Boyfriend Is Too Friendly
akai, 40, from honolulu asks:
My boyfriend is a bit "too"..-helpful, friendly, nice, etc... Whenever anyone asks him for help he'll go out of his way to help them. I don't mind him fixing cars, but when it comes to bringing them home and allowing them to stay till??? (only god knows) and other dilemmas happen like items disappearing, I get blamed for things like that or anything that I am not responsible for. He even tells me to shut the f..up and "I know where the door is!!! What does this mean??
VictorM's advice:
If he treated others like he treats you, they wouldn't be his friends for long. So he's "too" friendly with them. But you? Basically, he has not respect for you. You stay and put up with his crap, thus reinforcing his mindset.
Whether he would ever treat you with respect or not is hard to say, but it will not happen unless you demand it. The questions is, what's stopping you from using the door for good? (There are other mechanics out there, you know.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend is a bit "too"..-helpful, friendly, nice, etc... Whenever anyone asks him for help he'll go out of his way to help them. I don't mind him fixing cars, but when it comes to bringing them home and allowing them to stay till??? (only god knows) and other dilemmas happen like items disappearing, I get blamed for things like that or anything that I am not responsible for. He even tells me to shut the f..up and "I know where the door is!!! What does this mean??
VictorM's advice:
If he treated others like he treats you, they wouldn't be his friends for long. So he's "too" friendly with them. But you? Basically, he has not respect for you. You stay and put up with his crap, thus reinforcing his mindset.
Whether he would ever treat you with respect or not is hard to say, but it will not happen unless you demand it. The questions is, what's stopping you from using the door for good? (There are other mechanics out there, you know.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hanna is going for coffee
Hanna, 23, from Canada asks:
Victor! Thanks very much for your advise. I did ask my financial advisor for COFFEE!!
It took me a while to ask him and now I am very nervous.. So hear me out.
I left him a message that I needed to talk to him about my banking and if he could ring me back.
A day later.. which was just now .. he called and I started asking all these questions (investments) which I was not really interested in. He was very kind and tried his best to answer. He also asked me if I had any plans for this weekend. I said not very much and asked about his plans. He said not too much maybe going to Toronto downtown or golfing. So then I decided maybe I could ask him for coffee this weekend.
THEN I asked him if he wanted to go out for some coffee? He said "Sure, I think I can do that."
But I did not want him to go out for coffee just because he couldn't say No. I told him it is fine if he doesn't want to. And he said that is not a problem.
Ok! So Victor.. I asked when would he be available, he said next Tuesday.. (well.. why not tomorrow? Didn't he say no special plans for this weekend?) And he asked for my email address..(he knows my phone number..?) and said he should get back to me later since his relatives are visiting his place until next week and he wants to make sure they don't make plans on Tuesday. I said "Fine, let me know"
After I hung up the phone with him.. I felt like I should not have asked him for coffee. Victor, I am very embarrassed. Why he would want to get back to me with email instead of just calling me back? Wouldn't that be easier?
VictorM's answer:
Hey, you did great! Only one thing. Next time, don't ask when he would be available. Say: How's tomorrow at 2? Something like that.
But anyway, it all sounds good to me. The only thing I fear is that he may think you want to talk business. Was it clear this would be a social thing, not business?
But asking for your email makes sense. If he's going to contact you from work, doing it over the phone where others can hear may not be a good idea.
He didn't say he was free this weekend. He indicated he might go golfing. Plus he said he had relatives over. True or not, it seems possible that the weekend was just too soon for him.
The other thing that might still be of concern to him, and maybe he wants to check around first, is how at risk would his job be if he sees a client socially? Many companies frown on that. So if he turns you down, this could be the reason.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about and everything to be proud of yourself. Even if he's not interested, I can assure you he'll be very flattered that you asked. So take out of your mind any thoughts that he'll be laughing at you. That will NOT happen.
Now... on Tuesday... don't slurp your coffee! :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Victor! Thanks very much for your advise. I did ask my financial advisor for COFFEE!!
It took me a while to ask him and now I am very nervous.. So hear me out.
I left him a message that I needed to talk to him about my banking and if he could ring me back.
A day later.. which was just now .. he called and I started asking all these questions (investments) which I was not really interested in. He was very kind and tried his best to answer. He also asked me if I had any plans for this weekend. I said not very much and asked about his plans. He said not too much maybe going to Toronto downtown or golfing. So then I decided maybe I could ask him for coffee this weekend.
THEN I asked him if he wanted to go out for some coffee? He said "Sure, I think I can do that."
But I did not want him to go out for coffee just because he couldn't say No. I told him it is fine if he doesn't want to. And he said that is not a problem.
Ok! So Victor.. I asked when would he be available, he said next Tuesday.. (well.. why not tomorrow? Didn't he say no special plans for this weekend?) And he asked for my email address..(he knows my phone number..?) and said he should get back to me later since his relatives are visiting his place until next week and he wants to make sure they don't make plans on Tuesday. I said "Fine, let me know"
After I hung up the phone with him.. I felt like I should not have asked him for coffee. Victor, I am very embarrassed. Why he would want to get back to me with email instead of just calling me back? Wouldn't that be easier?
VictorM's answer:
Hey, you did great! Only one thing. Next time, don't ask when he would be available. Say: How's tomorrow at 2? Something like that.
But anyway, it all sounds good to me. The only thing I fear is that he may think you want to talk business. Was it clear this would be a social thing, not business?
But asking for your email makes sense. If he's going to contact you from work, doing it over the phone where others can hear may not be a good idea.
He didn't say he was free this weekend. He indicated he might go golfing. Plus he said he had relatives over. True or not, it seems possible that the weekend was just too soon for him.
The other thing that might still be of concern to him, and maybe he wants to check around first, is how at risk would his job be if he sees a client socially? Many companies frown on that. So if he turns you down, this could be the reason.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about and everything to be proud of yourself. Even if he's not interested, I can assure you he'll be very flattered that you asked. So take out of your mind any thoughts that he'll be laughing at you. That will NOT happen.
Now... on Tuesday... don't slurp your coffee! :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Melt a Guy's Heart
geena, 30, from usa asks:
What are some ways/moves to melt a guys heart?
VictorM's advice:
My first choice would be this:
A flamethrower! Not only would you melt his heart, but his testicles would be nothing but ash.
If seeing his body in flames is not your thing, you can try something that's a little more precise:
You can melt his heart without destroying other organs. Just imagine the twitching while you do it.
In case that's not what you meant, how about this: sincere compliments! That's all you have to do. Simple, sincere compliments.
Did he just get a haircut? Say: "New haircut, Jim? Looks niiice". Smile and walk away. A new shirt, new belt, new tie, they are all good occasions to compliment. Most guys seldom get compliments. Do it and you'll have him eating out of your hand. But remember: make them short, make them simple, and above all, be sincere.
Compliments by themselves may not melt the guy's heart, but it'll get you close enough to generate heat. The rest, as they say, it's all up to fate.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What are some ways/moves to melt a guys heart?
VictorM's advice:
My first choice would be this:
A flamethrower! Not only would you melt his heart, but his testicles would be nothing but ash.
If seeing his body in flames is not your thing, you can try something that's a little more precise:
You can melt his heart without destroying other organs. Just imagine the twitching while you do it.
In case that's not what you meant, how about this: sincere compliments! That's all you have to do. Simple, sincere compliments.
Did he just get a haircut? Say: "New haircut, Jim? Looks niiice". Smile and walk away. A new shirt, new belt, new tie, they are all good occasions to compliment. Most guys seldom get compliments. Do it and you'll have him eating out of your hand. But remember: make them short, make them simple, and above all, be sincere.
Compliments by themselves may not melt the guy's heart, but it'll get you close enough to generate heat. The rest, as they say, it's all up to fate.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He Wants To Get Married and Have Kids
Samatha, 25, from CA asks:
I have been dating this guy for the past year. The other night we were at a party where he had been drinking and we left and went back to my place. He then tells me that he wants to get married and have kids. I didn't know what to say because he is 22 and I didn't think that he was ready for that. I told him that if he asked me then we could get married. The truth is that I am ready to get married and be settled, but it has been three days and he has not said anything else about us getting married. Should I just forget about it because he was drinking or do you think I should ask him what the long term plans are with our relationship? I am not sure if I should press the subject or leave it alone.
VictorM's advice:
He had been drinking. Don't hold him to anything he said.
I don't think you should press the subject but you shouldn't leave it alone either. You could remind him of what he said when he was drinking. Ask him if he remembers saying it. This will bring up the subject.
Planning to getting married shouldn't be just up to the guy. You two should decide when you're both ready. I see nothing wrong with you saying that you are ready for marriage so that he knows where you stand. But avoid coming on as if you're pressuring him to make a decision.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been dating this guy for the past year. The other night we were at a party where he had been drinking and we left and went back to my place. He then tells me that he wants to get married and have kids. I didn't know what to say because he is 22 and I didn't think that he was ready for that. I told him that if he asked me then we could get married. The truth is that I am ready to get married and be settled, but it has been three days and he has not said anything else about us getting married. Should I just forget about it because he was drinking or do you think I should ask him what the long term plans are with our relationship? I am not sure if I should press the subject or leave it alone.
VictorM's advice:
He had been drinking. Don't hold him to anything he said.
I don't think you should press the subject but you shouldn't leave it alone either. You could remind him of what he said when he was drinking. Ask him if he remembers saying it. This will bring up the subject.
Planning to getting married shouldn't be just up to the guy. You two should decide when you're both ready. I see nothing wrong with you saying that you are ready for marriage so that he knows where you stand. But avoid coming on as if you're pressuring him to make a decision.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Gangster Love
xiaogerrl, 17, asks:
How to make a gangster love you? We've been in contact and he seems to care about me. But when we meet up, he's quiet and keeps looking at his phone and calling others. Does he have interest in me??
VictorM's advice:
How you you make a gangster love you? You make him an offer he can't refuse. (OK, Godfather humor... nevermind.)
He could have an interest in you but he might just be coming up short in the social graces area. Tell him to turn off his phone when he's with you, or else...
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How to make a gangster love you? We've been in contact and he seems to care about me. But when we meet up, he's quiet and keeps looking at his phone and calling others. Does he have interest in me??
VictorM's advice:
How you you make a gangster love you? You make him an offer he can't refuse. (OK, Godfather humor... nevermind.)
He could have an interest in you but he might just be coming up short in the social graces area. Tell him to turn off his phone when he's with you, or else...
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Back Together Again
pica, 31, from uae asks:
My ex and I got back together again. He was engaged to someone when we broke up then he broke it off because he said he loves me. Then we were on again. He has asked me over 4 times to marry him but I said no most of the time. It was because I didn't think it was romantic enough the way he asked me. Now we have mellowed down, should I regret not saying yes?
VictorM's advice:
I assume he's suppose to figure out exactly what you mean by "romantic enough", right? Like, he has to read your mind and all?
Yes, you should regret saying no. But for his sake, I hope you keep saying no. This guy is going to have a terrible time with a wife who wants to marry a mind reader.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My ex and I got back together again. He was engaged to someone when we broke up then he broke it off because he said he loves me. Then we were on again. He has asked me over 4 times to marry him but I said no most of the time. It was because I didn't think it was romantic enough the way he asked me. Now we have mellowed down, should I regret not saying yes?
VictorM's advice:
I assume he's suppose to figure out exactly what you mean by "romantic enough", right? Like, he has to read your mind and all?
Yes, you should regret saying no. But for his sake, I hope you keep saying no. This guy is going to have a terrible time with a wife who wants to marry a mind reader.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, August 18, 2006
Wendy, part 2
Wendy, 31, from Cheeseland asks:
Just so you all know, I have already met the friends. It was the family who initiated the meeting. We discussed it happening, thanks to his sister taking a step up on the situation we are finally going to get to all meet. I have talked to his sister and brother in law before. And just so you all know, the ex wife is not going to be there. I wish she were there so I could show off my youth and non-wrinkled-ness. His children do know that he has a girlfriend but don’t inquire too much into their dads personal life. The sister of course sounds cool on the phone. I of course am a little resilient to meeting them because I don’t want to seem like a doormat or a trophy either. Believe me, if he was in the terms of old geezer, I would of never started to date him, age 54 and I am 31. I am with him because he is a sweet, compassionate man, and overall treats me very well, always kind and affectionate. I of course treat him well back. I don’t think I am being brought there to be shown off, but I am concerned of the first impressions, and overall, that ever pondering question of what if they don’t like me. Or even, what if the in-laws all stare and the wives get jealous!!! It’s a scary and sticky situation, but I will be sure to let all of you bloggers on ARGville know the outcome of this trip. Thanks for your comments I appreciate the help....
VictorM's comment:
Go get them Wendy! Have a blast. And yes, do let us know how it turned out.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Just so you all know, I have already met the friends. It was the family who initiated the meeting. We discussed it happening, thanks to his sister taking a step up on the situation we are finally going to get to all meet. I have talked to his sister and brother in law before. And just so you all know, the ex wife is not going to be there. I wish she were there so I could show off my youth and non-wrinkled-ness. His children do know that he has a girlfriend but don’t inquire too much into their dads personal life. The sister of course sounds cool on the phone. I of course am a little resilient to meeting them because I don’t want to seem like a doormat or a trophy either. Believe me, if he was in the terms of old geezer, I would of never started to date him, age 54 and I am 31. I am with him because he is a sweet, compassionate man, and overall treats me very well, always kind and affectionate. I of course treat him well back. I don’t think I am being brought there to be shown off, but I am concerned of the first impressions, and overall, that ever pondering question of what if they don’t like me. Or even, what if the in-laws all stare and the wives get jealous!!! It’s a scary and sticky situation, but I will be sure to let all of you bloggers on ARGville know the outcome of this trip. Thanks for your comments I appreciate the help....
VictorM's comment:
Go get them Wendy! Have a blast. And yes, do let us know how it turned out.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Lives 5.5 hours away
Jen, 25, from NY asks:
I am seeing this guy I met. He lives 5.5 hours from where I live. I go to college about an hour away from where he resides, anyway he and I have been seeing each other for over 3 years, and he drives 5.5 hours to see me during my break of school for the semester. This guy also hauled a car for my mom across the state and wouldn't take a dime, anyway he's obsessed with making money and I tend to come second to his money and things are usually to his convenience and arranges business around his visits. Does this guy care as he says or am I wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
Your characterization that he's obsessed with money is all I have to go by. Yet, he drives lots of hours to see you, helped your mom without taking money, so who knows... maybe he's just a guy intent on being successful. But, if you perceive it as being obsessed, that's what really matters.
I advise you to give deep thought to his behavior to make sure, in your mind, if you really think he's just someone who wants to succeed or someone whose greed dominates his motives. If it's the former, I see nothing wrong with it; if it's the latter, run away as fast as you can!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am seeing this guy I met. He lives 5.5 hours from where I live. I go to college about an hour away from where he resides, anyway he and I have been seeing each other for over 3 years, and he drives 5.5 hours to see me during my break of school for the semester. This guy also hauled a car for my mom across the state and wouldn't take a dime, anyway he's obsessed with making money and I tend to come second to his money and things are usually to his convenience and arranges business around his visits. Does this guy care as he says or am I wasting my time?
VictorM's advice:
Your characterization that he's obsessed with money is all I have to go by. Yet, he drives lots of hours to see you, helped your mom without taking money, so who knows... maybe he's just a guy intent on being successful. But, if you perceive it as being obsessed, that's what really matters.
I advise you to give deep thought to his behavior to make sure, in your mind, if you really think he's just someone who wants to succeed or someone whose greed dominates his motives. If it's the former, I see nothing wrong with it; if it's the latter, run away as fast as you can!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
No Second Look
shae lynn, 15, asks:
I just broke up with my boyfriend because he would never talk to me or anything and I know its normal for a guy to be like that and all but I am fine with that! While I was going out with my ex I started having feelings for another guy...but there is one problem, I don't think he even takes a second look at me. My best friend said that he told her that he liked me while I was going out with this guy but I am not sure if I believe her! How can I tell if he likes me more then a friend or not?
VictorM's answer:
Wouldn't it be great if guys had a light bulb on top of their heads and it started flashing when he saw the girl he likes? Then you'd know and that mystery would be removed.
The problem is, it's mystery that juices up life. Not knowing, wondering, flirting, etc. that is part of the deal. It makes the whole process fun and exciting.
So, forget what your friend said. Do what you think you should do to catch his attention: talk, smile, compliment, flirt, pour a love potion on his drink, whatever it takes. If he responds, you go from there. If he doesn't, well... there's other guys out there without light bulbs on their heads.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I just broke up with my boyfriend because he would never talk to me or anything and I know its normal for a guy to be like that and all but I am fine with that! While I was going out with my ex I started having feelings for another guy...but there is one problem, I don't think he even takes a second look at me. My best friend said that he told her that he liked me while I was going out with this guy but I am not sure if I believe her! How can I tell if he likes me more then a friend or not?
VictorM's answer:
Wouldn't it be great if guys had a light bulb on top of their heads and it started flashing when he saw the girl he likes? Then you'd know and that mystery would be removed.
The problem is, it's mystery that juices up life. Not knowing, wondering, flirting, etc. that is part of the deal. It makes the whole process fun and exciting.
So, forget what your friend said. Do what you think you should do to catch his attention: talk, smile, compliment, flirt, pour a love potion on his drink, whatever it takes. If he responds, you go from there. If he doesn't, well... there's other guys out there without light bulbs on their heads.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Busy with family and church
Zeld, 18, from 684 asks:
My boyfriend is busy with things in his family and church. He hardly calls me anymore and if I don't call him, we won't be talking. I hate calling the house because of his aunty's. I can't go on like this.... you know without talking to each other or seeing each other. I wanna move on and let him go but I love him too much. I tried breaking up with him but he doesn't want to. I don't know what to do.... the more we don't talk... the more self doubts I have for him. Please tell me, what is your advice?
VictorM's advice:
I assume you have talked to him about this and he has done nothing about it. If at this stage of the relationship, when guys usually try their hardest, he's not giving you the time you think you deserve, what do you think is going to happen later in life? He's doing what he wants to do: he spends time with his family and church, and he has you only when he wants you. Life is good... for him.
It doesn't matter how much time he spends with you, all that matters is that you don't think it's enough. I don't care how much you love him, the fact is there's a mismatch between you two in terms of attention needed and attention given. And what's the point of staying with someone who doesn't give you attention?
You tried breaking up but he doesn't want to? So? It takes two to stay together but only one to break-up. You don't need his approval or consent for that. Break-up! And when you do, don't sit at home and mope. Go out. Do things. Have fun. Break current routines, start new ones. Meet new guys. Don't expect to like many of them. Doesn't matter. Keep busy. Keep looking.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend is busy with things in his family and church. He hardly calls me anymore and if I don't call him, we won't be talking. I hate calling the house because of his aunty's. I can't go on like this.... you know without talking to each other or seeing each other. I wanna move on and let him go but I love him too much. I tried breaking up with him but he doesn't want to. I don't know what to do.... the more we don't talk... the more self doubts I have for him. Please tell me, what is your advice?
VictorM's advice:
I assume you have talked to him about this and he has done nothing about it. If at this stage of the relationship, when guys usually try their hardest, he's not giving you the time you think you deserve, what do you think is going to happen later in life? He's doing what he wants to do: he spends time with his family and church, and he has you only when he wants you. Life is good... for him.
It doesn't matter how much time he spends with you, all that matters is that you don't think it's enough. I don't care how much you love him, the fact is there's a mismatch between you two in terms of attention needed and attention given. And what's the point of staying with someone who doesn't give you attention?
You tried breaking up but he doesn't want to? So? It takes two to stay together but only one to break-up. You don't need his approval or consent for that. Break-up! And when you do, don't sit at home and mope. Go out. Do things. Have fun. Break current routines, start new ones. Meet new guys. Don't expect to like many of them. Doesn't matter. Keep busy. Keep looking.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Meeting the relatives
Wendy, 30, from Cheeseland asks:
I am wondering, what is a guy thinking when his family wants you to meet all the relatives? I am curious if this shows a sign of devotion, sincerity and futuristic plans. My boyfriend is 20+ years older than I am, and the family is having a celebration for the upcoming Labor Day. I am nervous as all hell, and wonder what is going through that male mind of his without having to ask, what are you thinking. Please advise. Wendy from Cheeseland
VictorM's advice:
Well, it could very well be that he's serious about you and wants start including you as part of the family.
But don't discount that he may be showing off his gorgeous and much younger girlfriend. It sure would be great for his ego for everyone to know he still "got it". Does he have an ex-wife? If so, is she going to be there? If the answer is yes... um... well, it may be time to rub your youth and beauty on her wrinkly face and droopy boobs.
But look, this is really not up to him; it's up to you. If you feel comfortable about it, go. Have a great time, meet everyone, see how he relates to them and them to him. You can tell a lot about a guy based on how he deals with his family. If, however, it's too soon or you feel his intentions are fishy, decline to go. This really is your call, not his.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am wondering, what is a guy thinking when his family wants you to meet all the relatives? I am curious if this shows a sign of devotion, sincerity and futuristic plans. My boyfriend is 20+ years older than I am, and the family is having a celebration for the upcoming Labor Day. I am nervous as all hell, and wonder what is going through that male mind of his without having to ask, what are you thinking. Please advise. Wendy from Cheeseland
VictorM's advice:
Well, it could very well be that he's serious about you and wants start including you as part of the family.
But don't discount that he may be showing off his gorgeous and much younger girlfriend. It sure would be great for his ego for everyone to know he still "got it". Does he have an ex-wife? If so, is she going to be there? If the answer is yes... um... well, it may be time to rub your youth and beauty on her wrinkly face and droopy boobs.
But look, this is really not up to him; it's up to you. If you feel comfortable about it, go. Have a great time, meet everyone, see how he relates to them and them to him. You can tell a lot about a guy based on how he deals with his family. If, however, it's too soon or you feel his intentions are fishy, decline to go. This really is your call, not his.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Rebecca, part 3
Rebecca, 20, from South Africa asks:
Dear Victor, It's me again (although I've had a birthday in the meantime ;) Well, I took your advice, took the plunge, and asked him if he wanted to go for coffee. He couldn't make the time I suggested, but said he would like to go another time. Eventually we found a time we could both make it, which turned out to be a lot harder than I thought! Anyway, this just happened to fall on the Saturday of my birthday. He had to cancel because his best friend was having a crisis or something, but said he felt really bad about messing me around on my birthday, and that he'd make it up to me on Monday (ie. today). We didn't make a specific plan on the phone, but I thought that since he cancelled, that he would call me to arrange something. Well, I haven't heard from him. He may or may not have a valid excuse, but what I want to know is how long can I keep on compromising without starting to look like a loser who has no life? I really like this guy, but I don't want to look like a a complete doormat because he keeps messing me around. I know this also may look like he's just playing games with me, but I don't want to give up that easily, and believe his reasons for not being able to make it before. At the same time, however, I don't want to sacrifice my dignity by fighting for a lost cause. Any suggestions?
VictorM's advice:
Hey, first of all Happy Birthday! You're my number one customer now. :)
Well, if you believe his reasons for missing out that's all that matters. Making it up to you on Monday, in guy talk, really means the week that starts on Monday. So, he'll call you anytime... this year. :) If he doesn't call in you the next few days, call him up and scold him. You can do it with humor, but scold him anyway. He needs to know you're not someone to be trifling with.
You're not giving up your dignity; you're being assertive. That's fine. Now, if he stands you up, that's a different story. Or if he keeps making up excuses than you can assume he's just afraid to tell you no. But so far, I think you're doing fine.
Let us know if he calls so we can pop the e-cork!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Dear Victor, It's me again (although I've had a birthday in the meantime ;) Well, I took your advice, took the plunge, and asked him if he wanted to go for coffee. He couldn't make the time I suggested, but said he would like to go another time. Eventually we found a time we could both make it, which turned out to be a lot harder than I thought! Anyway, this just happened to fall on the Saturday of my birthday. He had to cancel because his best friend was having a crisis or something, but said he felt really bad about messing me around on my birthday, and that he'd make it up to me on Monday (ie. today). We didn't make a specific plan on the phone, but I thought that since he cancelled, that he would call me to arrange something. Well, I haven't heard from him. He may or may not have a valid excuse, but what I want to know is how long can I keep on compromising without starting to look like a loser who has no life? I really like this guy, but I don't want to look like a a complete doormat because he keeps messing me around. I know this also may look like he's just playing games with me, but I don't want to give up that easily, and believe his reasons for not being able to make it before. At the same time, however, I don't want to sacrifice my dignity by fighting for a lost cause. Any suggestions?
VictorM's advice:
Hey, first of all Happy Birthday! You're my number one customer now. :)
Well, if you believe his reasons for missing out that's all that matters. Making it up to you on Monday, in guy talk, really means the week that starts on Monday. So, he'll call you anytime... this year. :) If he doesn't call in you the next few days, call him up and scold him. You can do it with humor, but scold him anyway. He needs to know you're not someone to be trifling with.
You're not giving up your dignity; you're being assertive. That's fine. Now, if he stands you up, that's a different story. Or if he keeps making up excuses than you can assume he's just afraid to tell you no. But so far, I think you're doing fine.
Let us know if he calls so we can pop the e-cork!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
His Intentions
Sarah, 16 from Scottsdale asks:
There's this guy that I really like and I think he likes me too, but each time I start talking about something that's not related to sex or flirting. He never seems to listen. Then he interrupts me and starts flirting with me and acting sexual towards me, and I'm not sure if I like it. Does he like me as a person, or does he just want to get into my pants?
VictorM's advice:
He may like you as a person, but he's not showing it properly. In his mind, flirting is the way he thinks he impresses you.
Next time, when you want to talk to him and he starts flirting, smack him across the head and tell him to stop. Tell him he's making you uncomfortable and if he doesn't stop with the sex talk that you'll stop talking to him.
If he simmers down, good. If not, then you'll know he's being disrespectful on purpose.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
There's this guy that I really like and I think he likes me too, but each time I start talking about something that's not related to sex or flirting. He never seems to listen. Then he interrupts me and starts flirting with me and acting sexual towards me, and I'm not sure if I like it. Does he like me as a person, or does he just want to get into my pants?
VictorM's advice:
He may like you as a person, but he's not showing it properly. In his mind, flirting is the way he thinks he impresses you.
Next time, when you want to talk to him and he starts flirting, smack him across the head and tell him to stop. Tell him he's making you uncomfortable and if he doesn't stop with the sex talk that you'll stop talking to him.
If he simmers down, good. If not, then you'll know he's being disrespectful on purpose.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sex when he visits
Rainie, 32, from asia asks:
I have met a guy online for almost 9 months now. He is from west, and I live in east. At the beginning, I was not serious about him, and too much lies to him. So, things are not going smoothly. We even fight a lot online, but we still keep chatting with each other till now. I started to like him a lot now and always hope things will be better. And he is going to travel now, will stop by and meet me. I am just wondering if I have sex with him on his visit, will ruin our relationship getting better, or bring us closer. I am not sure when he will visit me again! Thank You!
VictorM's advice:
Rainie, you really should get your feet down to Earth and stop living in fantasy land. For starters, you're living with hope when your relationship online isn't even that smooth. And why would you expect anything serious from a guy you're going to meet once and not sure if you'll ever see him again?
If he's a typical guy, he will try to have sex with you, will say whatever it takes to make sure it happens, will leave and you'll never hear from him again. Will having sex with him ruin your relationship? No... because you don't have a relationship; you have a fantasy.
But in any case, don't sleep with the guy if you want him to consider a seriously relationship with you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have met a guy online for almost 9 months now. He is from west, and I live in east. At the beginning, I was not serious about him, and too much lies to him. So, things are not going smoothly. We even fight a lot online, but we still keep chatting with each other till now. I started to like him a lot now and always hope things will be better. And he is going to travel now, will stop by and meet me. I am just wondering if I have sex with him on his visit, will ruin our relationship getting better, or bring us closer. I am not sure when he will visit me again! Thank You!
VictorM's advice:
Rainie, you really should get your feet down to Earth and stop living in fantasy land. For starters, you're living with hope when your relationship online isn't even that smooth. And why would you expect anything serious from a guy you're going to meet once and not sure if you'll ever see him again?
If he's a typical guy, he will try to have sex with you, will say whatever it takes to make sure it happens, will leave and you'll never hear from him again. Will having sex with him ruin your relationship? No... because you don't have a relationship; you have a fantasy.
But in any case, don't sleep with the guy if you want him to consider a seriously relationship with you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Financial advisor
Hanna, 23, from Canada asks:
I think I need an advice from you. I am interested in this guy (bank financial advisor who is around my age) and I am not too sure if I have to make a move on him or not. I met him 3 months ago. I went to his office to get advise on putting my money into investment. When I was having a conversation with him, I kinda got this feeling he might be interested in me as well but never asked me out. Three 3 months later he phoned me back to follow up with me. The THING is.. he advised me not to go overdraft. I mean try to avoid as much as I could. (I tend to use my minus account every month) I felt very embarrassed that he pointed that out! Anyways, he asked me if I'd want to come to his office and talk about all these. So I went there. He again pointed about this overdraft account, gave me advice about 10 minutes and then started asking me all these personal questions. Such as, If I am still living with my parents, where I live, If I drive, how my life/work is going. We laughed, he talked a little bit about himself, joked around and so on. I am not sure if he was being friendly because I am his client or he is actually interested in me. Do you think it is OK to ask him out for coffee? I mean I was embarrassed that he knows all about my account information and he might think that I am a big spender and not really good with money. I need help. What would be the best idea? And I only know his work number. Is that inappropriate to call his work and ask him out? I am confused!!!
VictorM's advice:
First of all, congratulations on seeking financial advice. It's very wise of you to do so.
Now, everything you said points to him simply providing good customer service. The personal questions he asked, at least the ones you listed, sound fundamental for sound financial advice. They all relate to gaining a better picture of your income and expenses. Other than that, people like him who deal with clients will be friendly, smiley, and give you enough personal information to keep you trusting them and comfortable with them.
But, hey, I'm sure you're a captivating woman so it would be no surprise if he was impressed too. But, unless he's an idiot, he's not going to ask you out -- it could cost him his job. And in his field, reputation gets around.
But it's totally OK for you to use his work phone number to ask him out for coffee. If he turns you down or gives you any excuse, chances are he's not interested (maybe he has a girlfriend, is gay, or married... who knows). If he accepts, once you two are out of the office, you can lead the conversation in any direction you want.
And don't worry about the over-drafting. I'm sure he sees all kinds of spending habits but since you're seeking advice that is a huge positive.
Let's us know how it turns out cause we're starving for entertainment. :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I think I need an advice from you. I am interested in this guy (bank financial advisor who is around my age) and I am not too sure if I have to make a move on him or not. I met him 3 months ago. I went to his office to get advise on putting my money into investment. When I was having a conversation with him, I kinda got this feeling he might be interested in me as well but never asked me out. Three 3 months later he phoned me back to follow up with me. The THING is.. he advised me not to go overdraft. I mean try to avoid as much as I could. (I tend to use my minus account every month) I felt very embarrassed that he pointed that out! Anyways, he asked me if I'd want to come to his office and talk about all these. So I went there. He again pointed about this overdraft account, gave me advice about 10 minutes and then started asking me all these personal questions. Such as, If I am still living with my parents, where I live, If I drive, how my life/work is going. We laughed, he talked a little bit about himself, joked around and so on. I am not sure if he was being friendly because I am his client or he is actually interested in me. Do you think it is OK to ask him out for coffee? I mean I was embarrassed that he knows all about my account information and he might think that I am a big spender and not really good with money. I need help. What would be the best idea? And I only know his work number. Is that inappropriate to call his work and ask him out? I am confused!!!
VictorM's advice:
First of all, congratulations on seeking financial advice. It's very wise of you to do so.
Now, everything you said points to him simply providing good customer service. The personal questions he asked, at least the ones you listed, sound fundamental for sound financial advice. They all relate to gaining a better picture of your income and expenses. Other than that, people like him who deal with clients will be friendly, smiley, and give you enough personal information to keep you trusting them and comfortable with them.
But, hey, I'm sure you're a captivating woman so it would be no surprise if he was impressed too. But, unless he's an idiot, he's not going to ask you out -- it could cost him his job. And in his field, reputation gets around.
But it's totally OK for you to use his work phone number to ask him out for coffee. If he turns you down or gives you any excuse, chances are he's not interested (maybe he has a girlfriend, is gay, or married... who knows). If he accepts, once you two are out of the office, you can lead the conversation in any direction you want.
And don't worry about the over-drafting. I'm sure he sees all kinds of spending habits but since you're seeking advice that is a huge positive.
Let's us know how it turns out cause we're starving for entertainment. :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, August 14, 2006
He never called
Desiree, 35, from Louisiana asks:
Hello Victor, I will give you the short version. I met this sweet, smart, hardworking man and we were friends for 2 weeks. He called me for a date on Wednesday. I said yes but we didn't make definite plans. He said he would call me back Thursday, today is Saturday and he still hasn't call me and I refuse to call him. I KNOW he isn't working (he works offshore and this is his free week.) What's the deal? Did he ask me to see if I would say yes? We had a great conversation!Signed, Venus
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he lost your number. Maybe his wife found out about it and smacked him with a hammer upside the head. Maybe he's like that guy from the movie Memento and he can't keep any new memories. Maybe he had a better offer.
Either way, unless he's in a morgue, he has some explaining to do. But not if he never calls you again, which is the route many guys take. So, unless you want to live always wondering, call the guy and ask him point blank what happened.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hello Victor, I will give you the short version. I met this sweet, smart, hardworking man and we were friends for 2 weeks. He called me for a date on Wednesday. I said yes but we didn't make definite plans. He said he would call me back Thursday, today is Saturday and he still hasn't call me and I refuse to call him. I KNOW he isn't working (he works offshore and this is his free week.) What's the deal? Did he ask me to see if I would say yes? We had a great conversation!Signed, Venus
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he lost your number. Maybe his wife found out about it and smacked him with a hammer upside the head. Maybe he's like that guy from the movie Memento and he can't keep any new memories. Maybe he had a better offer.
Either way, unless he's in a morgue, he has some explaining to do. But not if he never calls you again, which is the route many guys take. So, unless you want to live always wondering, call the guy and ask him point blank what happened.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
The Answer
Jessie, 16, from Springfeild asks:
I was just asked to be a guy's girlfriend. What should I say when he calls?
VictorM's advice:
Say "Yes" if you're interested in being his girlfriend, say "No, but thank you for asking" is you're not.
You know, sometimes life really isn't all that complicated.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was just asked to be a guy's girlfriend. What should I say when he calls?
VictorM's advice:
Say "Yes" if you're interested in being his girlfriend, say "No, but thank you for asking" is you're not.
You know, sometimes life really isn't all that complicated.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wanting to make-out
Amanda asks:
Why won't a guy open up to you or talk to you but is always wanting to make-out?
VictorM's advice:
Making-out is more fun than talking about feelings. Besides, guys can brag about making out with you, but that can't brag about telling you they cry at the movies. And bragging is part of a guy's DNA... or something like that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why won't a guy open up to you or talk to you but is always wanting to make-out?
VictorM's advice:
Making-out is more fun than talking about feelings. Besides, guys can brag about making out with you, but that can't brag about telling you they cry at the movies. And bragging is part of a guy's DNA... or something like that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Ended an engagement
Mellissa, 26, from Kentucky asks:
I just ended an engagement because I am still in love with my ex. Him and I have talked about this before I ever done it. He told me to just be true to myself. When the whole time I knew that I didn't want to get married because I still loved him. Well now that everything is out and ended, him and I are supposed to hang out this weekend and I am nervous because I think deep down he really cares about me and he knows that I still care about him. But I want to know what to do to really find out how he feels because he is not very good with talking about it!!! PLEASE HELP
VictorM's advice:
He's your ex for a reason. What makes you believe whatever caused your breakup has been fixed? And if he cares, why is it deep down? I have a feeling you're living in fantasy land.
No doubt he enjoys the control he has over you, but that's probably all there is. If he was really into you he wouldn't say "just be true to myself", he'd say: "Don't marry him! I want you." But he's not saying that.
He doesn't talk much but words aren't necessary. He's already told you all you need to know. You just don't want to believe it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I just ended an engagement because I am still in love with my ex. Him and I have talked about this before I ever done it. He told me to just be true to myself. When the whole time I knew that I didn't want to get married because I still loved him. Well now that everything is out and ended, him and I are supposed to hang out this weekend and I am nervous because I think deep down he really cares about me and he knows that I still care about him. But I want to know what to do to really find out how he feels because he is not very good with talking about it!!! PLEASE HELP
VictorM's advice:
He's your ex for a reason. What makes you believe whatever caused your breakup has been fixed? And if he cares, why is it deep down? I have a feeling you're living in fantasy land.
No doubt he enjoys the control he has over you, but that's probably all there is. If he was really into you he wouldn't say "just be true to myself", he'd say: "Don't marry him! I want you." But he's not saying that.
He doesn't talk much but words aren't necessary. He's already told you all you need to know. You just don't want to believe it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Not a big fan of kissing
me, 19, asks:
I'm not a big fan of kissing on a first date if I don't know the guy. Like, I wouldn't do it (I truly believe that, and my question does not involve you convincing me to do it, because I won't and it's final).. I've been on dates before (when I was a few years younger though -- haven't been on a date for a long time-- long story..), so this has never been the case (ie. no guy has ever attempted to kiss me on a 1st date..but now I'm 19. I got asked out by a guy. He's 22. Well, I'm not saying that he will try to kiss me, but that's definitely a possibility. So what do I do if he tries? Do I pull away? Would that scare the heck out of him? Do I just stare on the floor when it's time to leave to avoid the eye contact? Or what? I know it sounds stupid, but I really don't know what to do!
VictorM's advice:
Somehow I think your body language will be enough but in case it isn't, I don't know... turn your face and offer your cheek?
Maybe women who have been there can post comments with advice.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm not a big fan of kissing on a first date if I don't know the guy. Like, I wouldn't do it (I truly believe that, and my question does not involve you convincing me to do it, because I won't and it's final).. I've been on dates before (when I was a few years younger though -- haven't been on a date for a long time-- long story..), so this has never been the case (ie. no guy has ever attempted to kiss me on a 1st date..but now I'm 19. I got asked out by a guy. He's 22. Well, I'm not saying that he will try to kiss me, but that's definitely a possibility. So what do I do if he tries? Do I pull away? Would that scare the heck out of him? Do I just stare on the floor when it's time to leave to avoid the eye contact? Or what? I know it sounds stupid, but I really don't know what to do!
VictorM's advice:
Somehow I think your body language will be enough but in case it isn't, I don't know... turn your face and offer your cheek?
Maybe women who have been there can post comments with advice.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Two "friends" sharing a computer
I'm answering those two questions together because they both came from the same computer. I assume one friend is visiting the other because it wouldn't be the same person pretending to be two, right? :)
BROOKE, 30, from: OTTAWA asks:
Is it strange for a guy to hang out with his buddy's recent ex-wife? Does this mean there is more interest then just friendship, or sexualy interest? Would this be crossing the line?
VictorM's advice:
If she was his friend too, I see nothing wrong with it. Of course, you can't discount that he may want to jump her bones, but I can believe he may be trying to help her through hard times. Particularly if his pal was a dick.
KARA, 26, from WINDSOR asks:
So victor, I've read a lot of your advice and it's cut thoart and blunt, justified because this is what men are. My question is then what are women supposed to look for in a man cause nobody or no situation is perfect or straight forward.
VictorM's advice:
What you look for is, of course, a very individual thing, but you shouldn't be afraid to walk away from a relationship when red flags are visible. So many women make all kinds of excuses and keep making them as if they can't live without this guy. "Yes, he smells, has no table manners, calls me his whore, yells at me in public, and is in the Guiness Book of World Records for the longest nostril hairs, but... sometimes he's so adorable and calls me his honey. I love him so much." Puke!
Basically, if you don't trust him, and/or if he doesn't respect you, those should be deal breakers. But oh so many women want to play mommy to the guy. They think they can train him, fix him, make him better. And they just live to regret it.
So, don't ignore red flags!
Now... say hello to "Brooke" for me.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
BROOKE, 30, from: OTTAWA asks:
Is it strange for a guy to hang out with his buddy's recent ex-wife? Does this mean there is more interest then just friendship, or sexualy interest? Would this be crossing the line?
VictorM's advice:
If she was his friend too, I see nothing wrong with it. Of course, you can't discount that he may want to jump her bones, but I can believe he may be trying to help her through hard times. Particularly if his pal was a dick.
KARA, 26, from WINDSOR asks:
So victor, I've read a lot of your advice and it's cut thoart and blunt, justified because this is what men are. My question is then what are women supposed to look for in a man cause nobody or no situation is perfect or straight forward.
VictorM's advice:
What you look for is, of course, a very individual thing, but you shouldn't be afraid to walk away from a relationship when red flags are visible. So many women make all kinds of excuses and keep making them as if they can't live without this guy. "Yes, he smells, has no table manners, calls me his whore, yells at me in public, and is in the Guiness Book of World Records for the longest nostril hairs, but... sometimes he's so adorable and calls me his honey. I love him so much." Puke!
Basically, if you don't trust him, and/or if he doesn't respect you, those should be deal breakers. But oh so many women want to play mommy to the guy. They think they can train him, fix him, make him better. And they just live to regret it.
So, don't ignore red flags!
Now... say hello to "Brooke" for me.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Silent and Guarded
Sheela, 29, from Dallas asks:
I am in desperate need of advice. I will try to keep this short. I love this person very, very much. We met online 8 months ago. We live long distance. He pursued me initially and came to see me. As I got serious with time, he pulled back. Earlier, he would flirt with me, joke with me, was lighthearted and totally drawn towards me, and now, months later, he is a guy I don't recognize. He is very silent, and he is guarded. He is emotionally distant and inexpressive. He has never said the L word to me. I have fallen hard for him, and desperately want to date him exclusively, love him more, and see where it goes. But he says he is "not ready" and cannot "walk the path". He says he "cannot handle the responsibilities and expectations and obligations" in a relationship. I am perplexed because he still calls me everyday, or texts me caring messages, and has told me that he has more-than-friends feelings for me. Yet, anytime I get emotional, or ask him questions about what he feels, he gets upset and doesn't want to talk about it. It seems like he is comfortable being friends, but it hurts me to be *just his friend*. I want more. He is 26, I am 29. Is there any hope for us? Is he just not that into me? Or is he just a commitment-phobic? I feel we have something between us, which he is trying to deny or ignore. I don't know whether to move on or to be patient with him and give him more time. I am frustrated with the distance between us. We have only met twice. I don't want to lose him. Is there anything I can do? He later told me that he was different earlier because I had no expectations. But, doesn't he know, that a relationship and love, normally bring some basic expectations, and that's unavoidable? Please help me.....
VictorM's advice:
"I feel we have something between us, which he is trying to deny or ignore." He's not the one trying to deny it, you are! He's been clear with you and you're ignoring his direct words and actions just so you keep your fantasy alive.
I understand where he comes from and where he is. On the Internet, he started talking to you, and he flirted and joked. He was sitting at home, being a virtual Don Juan, trying to seduce you. Then, once the conquest is done, he doesn't have to do it anymore. Not with you anyway. But now you're madly in love with the guy. And that's a scary proposition, specially if he doesn't feel the same way.
So why not stop talking to you? Simple: he has control over you and every time he talks to you he feels like the Don Juan he wants to be. You stroke his ego, specially why all the declarations of love. So he feeds you some nice lines from time to time and he wants to keep you hooked. But he himself keeps a safe distance.
I'm assuming he isn't exactly a very social person in real life, so at least he has you while he's continuing his dashing conquests over the Internet. If you think you're the only one he talks to, you really are in fantasy land.
Regardless of how you feel about him, the jury is in: you're not "it" for him. And the more you ask him, the more love for him you declare, the worst it will get. At some point, he'll cut you off. And when that happens, it'll be sudden.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am in desperate need of advice. I will try to keep this short. I love this person very, very much. We met online 8 months ago. We live long distance. He pursued me initially and came to see me. As I got serious with time, he pulled back. Earlier, he would flirt with me, joke with me, was lighthearted and totally drawn towards me, and now, months later, he is a guy I don't recognize. He is very silent, and he is guarded. He is emotionally distant and inexpressive. He has never said the L word to me. I have fallen hard for him, and desperately want to date him exclusively, love him more, and see where it goes. But he says he is "not ready" and cannot "walk the path". He says he "cannot handle the responsibilities and expectations and obligations" in a relationship. I am perplexed because he still calls me everyday, or texts me caring messages, and has told me that he has more-than-friends feelings for me. Yet, anytime I get emotional, or ask him questions about what he feels, he gets upset and doesn't want to talk about it. It seems like he is comfortable being friends, but it hurts me to be *just his friend*. I want more. He is 26, I am 29. Is there any hope for us? Is he just not that into me? Or is he just a commitment-phobic? I feel we have something between us, which he is trying to deny or ignore. I don't know whether to move on or to be patient with him and give him more time. I am frustrated with the distance between us. We have only met twice. I don't want to lose him. Is there anything I can do? He later told me that he was different earlier because I had no expectations. But, doesn't he know, that a relationship and love, normally bring some basic expectations, and that's unavoidable? Please help me.....
VictorM's advice:
"I feel we have something between us, which he is trying to deny or ignore." He's not the one trying to deny it, you are! He's been clear with you and you're ignoring his direct words and actions just so you keep your fantasy alive.
I understand where he comes from and where he is. On the Internet, he started talking to you, and he flirted and joked. He was sitting at home, being a virtual Don Juan, trying to seduce you. Then, once the conquest is done, he doesn't have to do it anymore. Not with you anyway. But now you're madly in love with the guy. And that's a scary proposition, specially if he doesn't feel the same way.
So why not stop talking to you? Simple: he has control over you and every time he talks to you he feels like the Don Juan he wants to be. You stroke his ego, specially why all the declarations of love. So he feeds you some nice lines from time to time and he wants to keep you hooked. But he himself keeps a safe distance.
I'm assuming he isn't exactly a very social person in real life, so at least he has you while he's continuing his dashing conquests over the Internet. If you think you're the only one he talks to, you really are in fantasy land.
Regardless of how you feel about him, the jury is in: you're not "it" for him. And the more you ask him, the more love for him you declare, the worst it will get. At some point, he'll cut you off. And when that happens, it'll be sudden.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Family too friendly
confused, 19, from Canada asks:
My family won't leave me alone about my boyfriend. My dad keeps saying he wants to bring us out for a family dinner, and even my aunt said she wants us to go to lunch together so we can all talk. I think my boyfriend is starting to get really uncomfortable..like he keeps saying "oh god.." I don't want my family to scare him away. I mean, the first day my dad found out about us he drove us home from work and stopped at a restaurant and ordered food for us to eat even though HE ATE ALREADY... so he was just staring at us eating, and my boyfriend was pretty uncomfortable, but he got over it. But now my parents keep bugging me to let them see him again.. they want a family dinner type thing. We're not ready for that yet..it's just been like a month... it's way too soon... and I try telling my parents that, and they just act like I'm hiding something from them...they say "dating is normal... why would there be a problem with us eating together? Does he not like us? What's the problem them? I don't know what to do...
VictorM's advice:
What a nightmare. I feel your boyfriend's pain. Your family obviously has the best of intentions. They seem to be warm and friendly... but man, they're going overboard.
I racked my brains over this one to come up with some suggestions to deal with them, but I couldn't think of anything that will: 1) keep them off your backs, and 2) Not get them to dislike your boyfriend. I assume these are your goals.
OK, this is an invitation to anyone reading this: if you have suggestions for "confused", please use the VISITOR COMMENTS below. Thanks.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My family won't leave me alone about my boyfriend. My dad keeps saying he wants to bring us out for a family dinner, and even my aunt said she wants us to go to lunch together so we can all talk. I think my boyfriend is starting to get really uncomfortable..like he keeps saying "oh god.." I don't want my family to scare him away. I mean, the first day my dad found out about us he drove us home from work and stopped at a restaurant and ordered food for us to eat even though HE ATE ALREADY... so he was just staring at us eating, and my boyfriend was pretty uncomfortable, but he got over it. But now my parents keep bugging me to let them see him again.. they want a family dinner type thing. We're not ready for that yet..it's just been like a month... it's way too soon... and I try telling my parents that, and they just act like I'm hiding something from them...they say "dating is normal... why would there be a problem with us eating together? Does he not like us? What's the problem them? I don't know what to do...
VictorM's advice:
What a nightmare. I feel your boyfriend's pain. Your family obviously has the best of intentions. They seem to be warm and friendly... but man, they're going overboard.
I racked my brains over this one to come up with some suggestions to deal with them, but I couldn't think of anything that will: 1) keep them off your backs, and 2) Not get them to dislike your boyfriend. I assume these are your goals.
OK, this is an invitation to anyone reading this: if you have suggestions for "confused", please use the VISITOR COMMENTS below. Thanks.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, August 11, 2006
Amber, part 2
[You can read Amber's previous question and answer here.]
amber, from va asks:
I took your advice and it turned into a full blown argument. He told me doesn't like to answer questions. I don't understand. To answer your question his house isn't bad at all. You are right though-it is fishy behavior. By the end of the conversation before he hung up on me he had the whole thing turned around on me saying I had trust issues. Never did answer why we always have to stay in a hotel. I don't understand and my feelings are hurt. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
I'm glad you brought it up with him. A full blown argument is much better than not knowing. Now you know that he's hiding something and it isn't good. And diverting the topic to make your trust the issue is further indication that he's hiding something.
You say you don't understand. What's there not to understand? He's a liar, probably a cheat, doesn't respect you, and wants you just for sex. Duh! There's nothing fuzzy about him.
What I don't understand is why you're still talking to him. Somehow, you're internalizing all this as being a reflection on you. It has nothing to do with you. He's not doing this because of anything you did or the kind of person you are. He's doing it because he's a jerk. He was one before you, and he'll be one after you.
You just found a rotten apple. Throw it away and look for another one.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
amber, from va asks:
I took your advice and it turned into a full blown argument. He told me doesn't like to answer questions. I don't understand. To answer your question his house isn't bad at all. You are right though-it is fishy behavior. By the end of the conversation before he hung up on me he had the whole thing turned around on me saying I had trust issues. Never did answer why we always have to stay in a hotel. I don't understand and my feelings are hurt. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
I'm glad you brought it up with him. A full blown argument is much better than not knowing. Now you know that he's hiding something and it isn't good. And diverting the topic to make your trust the issue is further indication that he's hiding something.
You say you don't understand. What's there not to understand? He's a liar, probably a cheat, doesn't respect you, and wants you just for sex. Duh! There's nothing fuzzy about him.
What I don't understand is why you're still talking to him. Somehow, you're internalizing all this as being a reflection on you. It has nothing to do with you. He's not doing this because of anything you did or the kind of person you are. He's doing it because he's a jerk. He was one before you, and he'll be one after you.
You just found a rotten apple. Throw it away and look for another one.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Bree, part 2
[You can read Bree's previous question and answer here]
Bree, 26, from Hartford, CT asks:
Hey Victor, Thanks for the advice. I did what I should have done a long time ago and I got rid of him. Kinda. He told me that we didn't have a "relationship" so I had no reason to get mad at him if I saw him kissing up with a girl (he didn't kiss up with a girl, it was a hypothetical situation). But now I have two problems: 1) I miss him and I want him to miss me too; and 2) he owes me $100. Now, the hundred doesn't really bother me but I don't want him to think that he can beat me for it (or maybe I just wanna an excuse). But I do miss him and I can't get him out of my head. Now that I took the first step, how do I really get over it? P.S. I have to see him in a couple of weeks because I promised the bar I would work. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Anytime we change routines, it's normal for us to take time to adapt. You refer to it as missing him, but that's really not it. He really has nothing to do with this. Now, it's all about your ego ("I want him to miss me too"). He will NOT miss you because he doesn't care for you. I'm sure he has tons of girls willing to give him what you did. And guys like him want variety. With you... he's been there, done that. You're yesterday's news.
So the question is do you really want to move on or do you want to be a lapdog to a guy that really doesn't care about you? If you really were serious about moving on you'd call the bar and say you can't make it. Two weeks is enough time for them to get someone else. The place will stay in business without you around. Then, you'd stop hanging around there, make new friends, buy new clothes, go to different places, flirt with new guys, and give yourself time knowing that a new routine will take time to get used to. And then, he will be yesterday's news.
Consider the $100 a great investment and let him keep them. It's a small price to pay to avoid a guy that will only bring you heartache. It's a bargain in the long run.
Want something to do to keep busy? Volunteer with the Ned Lamont for US Senate campaign! :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Bree, 26, from Hartford, CT asks:
Hey Victor, Thanks for the advice. I did what I should have done a long time ago and I got rid of him. Kinda. He told me that we didn't have a "relationship" so I had no reason to get mad at him if I saw him kissing up with a girl (he didn't kiss up with a girl, it was a hypothetical situation). But now I have two problems: 1) I miss him and I want him to miss me too; and 2) he owes me $100. Now, the hundred doesn't really bother me but I don't want him to think that he can beat me for it (or maybe I just wanna an excuse). But I do miss him and I can't get him out of my head. Now that I took the first step, how do I really get over it? P.S. I have to see him in a couple of weeks because I promised the bar I would work. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Anytime we change routines, it's normal for us to take time to adapt. You refer to it as missing him, but that's really not it. He really has nothing to do with this. Now, it's all about your ego ("I want him to miss me too"). He will NOT miss you because he doesn't care for you. I'm sure he has tons of girls willing to give him what you did. And guys like him want variety. With you... he's been there, done that. You're yesterday's news.
So the question is do you really want to move on or do you want to be a lapdog to a guy that really doesn't care about you? If you really were serious about moving on you'd call the bar and say you can't make it. Two weeks is enough time for them to get someone else. The place will stay in business without you around. Then, you'd stop hanging around there, make new friends, buy new clothes, go to different places, flirt with new guys, and give yourself time knowing that a new routine will take time to get used to. And then, he will be yesterday's news.
Consider the $100 a great investment and let him keep them. It's a small price to pay to avoid a guy that will only bring you heartache. It's a bargain in the long run.
Want something to do to keep busy? Volunteer with the Ned Lamont for US Senate campaign! :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Water fights
lois, 36, from newberg, oregon asks:
I have been working with this guy for over 6 months now. Well part of it is that he used to be friends with my ex-husband's brother. We did not find this out until after we started working together. Ok that is how we started to talk. This guy is very shy. But in the last few months him and he have been joking around and horse playing with each other at work, teasing each other, water fights, just messing with each other. Ok about a month ago he called me up and we went out. Things went well for about 2 weeks. Well a little info on him. He has been married and divorced 3 times and he admits this scares him to be in a relationship. I felt he was starting to get close but now backing off. He introduced me to his father and daughters. His father was ill at the time I started to go out with him. His father passed than he pushed me away. He would not speak for a few weeks to any one. Now we are back to playing around at work but he stopped having me come around him at home. His daughter says he wishes we did not connect up because he wants to be alone. He was very close to his dad. This was said right after his dad passed. So I'm confused. Should I just let it go the way it is going, ie only play with each other at work or should I just give up. Please help. This is all new to me. I was married for 20 years and now divorced. First relationship since hubby. I was 17 when I got with hubby so this is the first adult relationship for me. please help.
VictorM's advice:
You have water fights at work. And you call it an adult relationship? :) (I'm kidding. I think it's cute that you do).
The problem I see is that you're doing too much chasing of a guy that has been clear about wanting some space and who does not have a very good track record. Yeah, yeah, I know... somehow you think you'll be different than the other three women. Maybe you will, but the odds are not on your favor.
I really think you should give up on water boy, at least for now, and get some dating under your belt. Go with with different guys. Maybe you'll find one to play jacks or watch Sesame Street with you. :) But seriously, date other guys. Let this guy work things out in his head.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been working with this guy for over 6 months now. Well part of it is that he used to be friends with my ex-husband's brother. We did not find this out until after we started working together. Ok that is how we started to talk. This guy is very shy. But in the last few months him and he have been joking around and horse playing with each other at work, teasing each other, water fights, just messing with each other. Ok about a month ago he called me up and we went out. Things went well for about 2 weeks. Well a little info on him. He has been married and divorced 3 times and he admits this scares him to be in a relationship. I felt he was starting to get close but now backing off. He introduced me to his father and daughters. His father was ill at the time I started to go out with him. His father passed than he pushed me away. He would not speak for a few weeks to any one. Now we are back to playing around at work but he stopped having me come around him at home. His daughter says he wishes we did not connect up because he wants to be alone. He was very close to his dad. This was said right after his dad passed. So I'm confused. Should I just let it go the way it is going, ie only play with each other at work or should I just give up. Please help. This is all new to me. I was married for 20 years and now divorced. First relationship since hubby. I was 17 when I got with hubby so this is the first adult relationship for me. please help.
VictorM's advice:
You have water fights at work. And you call it an adult relationship? :) (I'm kidding. I think it's cute that you do).
The problem I see is that you're doing too much chasing of a guy that has been clear about wanting some space and who does not have a very good track record. Yeah, yeah, I know... somehow you think you'll be different than the other three women. Maybe you will, but the odds are not on your favor.
I really think you should give up on water boy, at least for now, and get some dating under your belt. Go with with different guys. Maybe you'll find one to play jacks or watch Sesame Street with you. :) But seriously, date other guys. Let this guy work things out in his head.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Pay
Aly, 18, asks:
Should a guy pay for everything?
VictorM's advice:
Everything except sex. Sex really ought to be free. :-p
Serioulsy, if he pays all the time, you should at least offer to pay sometimes. How strongly you insist should be up to you, depending on your ability to pay and your own belief. Of course, you're both free to draw conclusions about the other based on how you settle this issue.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Should a guy pay for everything?
VictorM's advice:
Everything except sex. Sex really ought to be free. :-p
Serioulsy, if he pays all the time, you should at least offer to pay sometimes. How strongly you insist should be up to you, depending on your ability to pay and your own belief. Of course, you're both free to draw conclusions about the other based on how you settle this issue.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Dating because of money
amber, 29, from va asks:
I have been dating this guy for a while. Everything was great in the beginning. Our conversation have begun to go deeper than usual. Most of the time the conversation sways towards money-mine! I don't want to think someone is dating because of money-he acts like he cares about me. Anyway- on several occasions he ends up taking me like 40 minutes away from his house is- he tells me he wants to stay in a hotel instead of staying at his house. This is confusing because it is costing a lot of money. Why doesn't he want to go to his house? I have been there one time during the day. I really care about him and I am waiting for something to happen because sometimes around him he makes me have feelings of paranoid. He also turns his cell phone off when we are together if that makes a difference on your answer. Can you tell me what you think. Please? Thank you so much, amber.
VictorM's advice:
Turning on the cell phone seems like a good idea, so I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that there's a sinister reason.
The questions about money... umm... sounds odd but maybe he's a guy who hates to make less than the woman. How do you feel about that?
Not wanting to take you to his house... does he live alone? This sounds very odd and suspicious. Was he embarrassed about the house? Is it run down or in a bad neighbourhood? Messy? Maybe he feels the house is crummy and you won't be comfortable there. (I'm bending backwards to give him the benefit of the doubt here.)
Overall, your paranoia seems justified. There's some really fishy behavior going on.
Why don't you ask him? I mean, saying something like, "why do you ask about my income?" or "why don't we go to your house?" seem justified questions to ask.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been dating this guy for a while. Everything was great in the beginning. Our conversation have begun to go deeper than usual. Most of the time the conversation sways towards money-mine! I don't want to think someone is dating because of money-he acts like he cares about me. Anyway- on several occasions he ends up taking me like 40 minutes away from his house is- he tells me he wants to stay in a hotel instead of staying at his house. This is confusing because it is costing a lot of money. Why doesn't he want to go to his house? I have been there one time during the day. I really care about him and I am waiting for something to happen because sometimes around him he makes me have feelings of paranoid. He also turns his cell phone off when we are together if that makes a difference on your answer. Can you tell me what you think. Please? Thank you so much, amber.
VictorM's advice:
Turning on the cell phone seems like a good idea, so I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that there's a sinister reason.
The questions about money... umm... sounds odd but maybe he's a guy who hates to make less than the woman. How do you feel about that?
Not wanting to take you to his house... does he live alone? This sounds very odd and suspicious. Was he embarrassed about the house? Is it run down or in a bad neighbourhood? Messy? Maybe he feels the house is crummy and you won't be comfortable there. (I'm bending backwards to give him the benefit of the doubt here.)
Overall, your paranoia seems justified. There's some really fishy behavior going on.
Why don't you ask him? I mean, saying something like, "why do you ask about my income?" or "why don't we go to your house?" seem justified questions to ask.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
More than a friend
me, asks:
How do I make my mate like me for more then a friend? I'm in love with him.
VictorM's advice:
Voodoo? Magic spell? Some kind of love potion in his drink?
Hey, maybe he's in love with you too and he is afraid to tell you. I say stop acting like a buddy and act more like a date. See where it leads.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How do I make my mate like me for more then a friend? I'm in love with him.
VictorM's advice:
Voodoo? Magic spell? Some kind of love potion in his drink?
Hey, maybe he's in love with you too and he is afraid to tell you. I say stop acting like a buddy and act more like a date. See where it leads.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Submissive in bed
sani, from makedonija asks:
My boyfriend (27) is rather submissive in bed, which I really don't find attractive. This lowers my libido greatly. Sometimes I find myself fantasizing about a rather more dominant approach while in bed with him. I tried to talk about this but he blamed ME for being ''always in control'', which I am not. Sometimes, I just lay and do nothing!
VictorM's advice:
One of the hardest things for guys to deal with is just where a girl's limits in bed are. "Submissive" is a subjective word and hard to define. Does it mean you like to be spanked, bitten, have your hair pulled, and if so, how hard? Do you like being tied? Choked? I could go on and get even more graphic, but I trust you get the idea. Different strokes for different folks.
Sometimes guys can be "submissive" out of respect for the girl. They stick to the basics in bed because they don't want to come across as perverts (guys hear that all the time so many want to avoid the label). I'm not saying that's his case, but it's something to consider.
Rather than talking about it, since you've already tried without success and since your preferences may be hard to define, I suggest you SHOW him what you'd like done. Yes, it may not be terribly exciting at first, but after he knows what your limits are, who knows, he might let loose and surprise you.
Of course, he might also think you're a big pervert, so proceed at your own peril. But if after showing him what you like he doesn't respond as you would expect, well... sexual incompatibility is a serious problem, so the sooner you find out if that's the case between you two, the better.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend (27) is rather submissive in bed, which I really don't find attractive. This lowers my libido greatly. Sometimes I find myself fantasizing about a rather more dominant approach while in bed with him. I tried to talk about this but he blamed ME for being ''always in control'', which I am not. Sometimes, I just lay and do nothing!
VictorM's advice:
One of the hardest things for guys to deal with is just where a girl's limits in bed are. "Submissive" is a subjective word and hard to define. Does it mean you like to be spanked, bitten, have your hair pulled, and if so, how hard? Do you like being tied? Choked? I could go on and get even more graphic, but I trust you get the idea. Different strokes for different folks.
Sometimes guys can be "submissive" out of respect for the girl. They stick to the basics in bed because they don't want to come across as perverts (guys hear that all the time so many want to avoid the label). I'm not saying that's his case, but it's something to consider.
Rather than talking about it, since you've already tried without success and since your preferences may be hard to define, I suggest you SHOW him what you'd like done. Yes, it may not be terribly exciting at first, but after he knows what your limits are, who knows, he might let loose and surprise you.
Of course, he might also think you're a big pervert, so proceed at your own peril. But if after showing him what you like he doesn't respond as you would expect, well... sexual incompatibility is a serious problem, so the sooner you find out if that's the case between you two, the better.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
The sparks flew
Cathy, 23, from South africa asks:
I started chatting to a guy through a dating website and when we finally met, the sparks flew. I really would like to give it a go with him but I'm concerned that having sex so soon might have spoilt everything. Is there any way I can prevent this from just being a physical relationship or is it too late?
VictorM's advice:
Remember: You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
You should curtail the sex now and tell him you're looking for something more. He may be pleased to hear it or he may not. But at this point, you have nothing to lose. If you don't want the relationship to be physical, say so, and follow through. If he skips town on you then you'll know he was after only one thing. You might as well find out now.
Remember: It's never too late or too soon to do the right thing.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I started chatting to a guy through a dating website and when we finally met, the sparks flew. I really would like to give it a go with him but I'm concerned that having sex so soon might have spoilt everything. Is there any way I can prevent this from just being a physical relationship or is it too late?
VictorM's advice:
Remember: You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
You should curtail the sex now and tell him you're looking for something more. He may be pleased to hear it or he may not. But at this point, you have nothing to lose. If you don't want the relationship to be physical, say so, and follow through. If he skips town on you then you'll know he was after only one thing. You might as well find out now.
Remember: It's never too late or too soon to do the right thing.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Little birdie
Shantell, from Bahamas asks:
I am 25 years old and have been dating this guy who is 33 years old. He has two children from his previous relationship - a 3 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. When we first met he told me everything about his past relationship and that he and his kids' mother have nothing going on and only communicate because of his kids. He spends every moment he gets with me and never once has he given me any problems. But why do I still feel insecure about him? Why am I so scared at times? Why is this little birdie behind my ears telling me that he is cheating on me with his kids' mother, but I never had gotten a reason to think this? He is too good to be true. Is something wrong with me? Could someone please give me some advice on how to go about having more trust in him. He is truly a great guy!! Why do I feel so insecure?
VictorM's advice:
I have no way of knowing if your little birdie is right, but absent a specific incident that gives you reason for suspicion, I'm inclined to believe it's in your head. But I also believe you have some just cause for feeling this way. His kids are a constant reminder of a relationship he once had that was special.
I think if you accept that a certain insecurity about a relationship that produced two wonderful kids is nothing you should feel guilty about, you may be less inclined to listen to the little birdies.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am 25 years old and have been dating this guy who is 33 years old. He has two children from his previous relationship - a 3 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. When we first met he told me everything about his past relationship and that he and his kids' mother have nothing going on and only communicate because of his kids. He spends every moment he gets with me and never once has he given me any problems. But why do I still feel insecure about him? Why am I so scared at times? Why is this little birdie behind my ears telling me that he is cheating on me with his kids' mother, but I never had gotten a reason to think this? He is too good to be true. Is something wrong with me? Could someone please give me some advice on how to go about having more trust in him. He is truly a great guy!! Why do I feel so insecure?
VictorM's advice:
I have no way of knowing if your little birdie is right, but absent a specific incident that gives you reason for suspicion, I'm inclined to believe it's in your head. But I also believe you have some just cause for feeling this way. His kids are a constant reminder of a relationship he once had that was special.
I think if you accept that a certain insecurity about a relationship that produced two wonderful kids is nothing you should feel guilty about, you may be less inclined to listen to the little birdies.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Just a friend
Suspicious, 26, from Massachusetts asks:
I'm in a committed relationship with a man I love very much. Recently a situation came up where my guy (who I've been with for over a year) went and hung out with a girl he met on-line who he says is "just a friend" while I was away visiting family. He said he just wanted someone to hang out with who shared similar interests - and that if I trusted him - it shouldn't have caused a fight... because of course, I didn't take the news well. Now, my bigger issue is that he is 25 and she is 19... I feel like that is really really weird, but maybe I'm overreacting... am I overreacting... is it total normal for a 25 year old man to be hanging out with a 19 year old girl?
VictorM's answer:
First, the answers: No, you're not overreacting. Yes, it's normal for a guy to want to be with a 19 year old girl... IF he wants to screw her, otherwise, under the conditions, no, it's not normal!
Your boyfriend is one of two things: a cheater or an idiot. Oh wait... there's a third option: he could be both! Meeting a 19 year old girl from the Internet to be just friends? My lord, even the worst movie script writer in the world wouldn't come up with that line. And then to put you on the defensive about trust? How about his respect for you? How about consideration for your feelings?
Maybe he just did an idiotic thing, but I wouldn't bet on it. I think he was up to no good. Whether something happened between them or not is hard to say, but your suspicion is more than justified. There is no way on Earth I believe his story that it was "just friends", not in his mind. Guys just don't think that way. I can see if she was an old friend from school or from childhood. Maybe. But a 19 year old girl from the Internet? No f'ing way!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm in a committed relationship with a man I love very much. Recently a situation came up where my guy (who I've been with for over a year) went and hung out with a girl he met on-line who he says is "just a friend" while I was away visiting family. He said he just wanted someone to hang out with who shared similar interests - and that if I trusted him - it shouldn't have caused a fight... because of course, I didn't take the news well. Now, my bigger issue is that he is 25 and she is 19... I feel like that is really really weird, but maybe I'm overreacting... am I overreacting... is it total normal for a 25 year old man to be hanging out with a 19 year old girl?
VictorM's answer:
First, the answers: No, you're not overreacting. Yes, it's normal for a guy to want to be with a 19 year old girl... IF he wants to screw her, otherwise, under the conditions, no, it's not normal!
Your boyfriend is one of two things: a cheater or an idiot. Oh wait... there's a third option: he could be both! Meeting a 19 year old girl from the Internet to be just friends? My lord, even the worst movie script writer in the world wouldn't come up with that line. And then to put you on the defensive about trust? How about his respect for you? How about consideration for your feelings?
Maybe he just did an idiotic thing, but I wouldn't bet on it. I think he was up to no good. Whether something happened between them or not is hard to say, but your suspicion is more than justified. There is no way on Earth I believe his story that it was "just friends", not in his mind. Guys just don't think that way. I can see if she was an old friend from school or from childhood. Maybe. But a 19 year old girl from the Internet? No f'ing way!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Memorable moment
Lisa, 25, from Brooklyn, NY asks:
I have known my ex for 5 years now, dated for 2 years and both of us move on and remain friends, however a month ago he told me he needed closure - mind you we stop seeing each other one year ago. He also has a girlfriend whom he has been with for 4 years. He says he wants one last memorable moment between us. Should I give him this last "memorable moment"?
VictorM's advice:
If my math is right, you were seeing him while he was seeing her, right? If this is right, sure, give him a memorable moment... and keep doing it as often as he likes. It's not like your value system is worth much anyway.
If I got it wrong, yes, you should give him both a memorable moment and closure, but not what he has in mind. The memorable moment should come in the form of lighter fluid around his testicles and a lighted match falling on it, and closure should come in the form of a surgical needle shutting off his anus... without anaesthesia. *
Seriously Lisa, why on Earth would you even consider such a request?
*= yes, I'm kidding.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have known my ex for 5 years now, dated for 2 years and both of us move on and remain friends, however a month ago he told me he needed closure - mind you we stop seeing each other one year ago. He also has a girlfriend whom he has been with for 4 years. He says he wants one last memorable moment between us. Should I give him this last "memorable moment"?
VictorM's advice:
If my math is right, you were seeing him while he was seeing her, right? If this is right, sure, give him a memorable moment... and keep doing it as often as he likes. It's not like your value system is worth much anyway.
If I got it wrong, yes, you should give him both a memorable moment and closure, but not what he has in mind. The memorable moment should come in the form of lighter fluid around his testicles and a lighted match falling on it, and closure should come in the form of a surgical needle shutting off his anus... without anaesthesia. *
Seriously Lisa, why on Earth would you even consider such a request?
*= yes, I'm kidding.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Too clingy
Lisa, 21, from Australia asks:
I've been going out with my boyfriend for 7 months now and he says I'm too clingy (which everyone says I'm not) and it pushes him away and he says the reason is because he's afraid of commitment. I've given him complete space for the last few weeks (ie. not calling, not msg-ing) but nothing has changed. It's like our relationship hasn't moved very much. I don't know if things are ever going to change. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
First of all, "everyone" should mind their own business. It's not up to them to judge if you're too clingy or not, and in fact, it's not even up to you. He, and only he, makes that decision. "Too clingy" to one person could be "ideal" to another, so it's his judgment that matters.
You, of course, can react to that information any which way you want. You can tell him to go take a hike. And frankly, I think that he's hoping you say it. He's ready to end it with you but he'd like to avoid being the "bad guy". Based on what you told me, "too clingy" is just code for "I'm not into you anymore". That's why no matter what you do nothing changes. It's not about your behavior with him; it's all about him wanting to move on.
What should you do? Dump this guy and try another, hopefully one that will appreciate your attentive and warm qualities.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been going out with my boyfriend for 7 months now and he says I'm too clingy (which everyone says I'm not) and it pushes him away and he says the reason is because he's afraid of commitment. I've given him complete space for the last few weeks (ie. not calling, not msg-ing) but nothing has changed. It's like our relationship hasn't moved very much. I don't know if things are ever going to change. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
First of all, "everyone" should mind their own business. It's not up to them to judge if you're too clingy or not, and in fact, it's not even up to you. He, and only he, makes that decision. "Too clingy" to one person could be "ideal" to another, so it's his judgment that matters.
You, of course, can react to that information any which way you want. You can tell him to go take a hike. And frankly, I think that he's hoping you say it. He's ready to end it with you but he'd like to avoid being the "bad guy". Based on what you told me, "too clingy" is just code for "I'm not into you anymore". That's why no matter what you do nothing changes. It's not about your behavior with him; it's all about him wanting to move on.
What should you do? Dump this guy and try another, hopefully one that will appreciate your attentive and warm qualities.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, August 07, 2006
Never had a boyfriend
Rachel, 20, from Brisbane asks:
Dear Victor, as you can see, I am 20 years old. I am starting to get really worried because I have never had a boyfriend, and have only ever kissed two guys, because I don't like doing the random "hook up at a club" thing. I am concerned because I don't understand why the guys I like are never interested in me although I am told I am very pretty and fun to be around. I am also worried that when I do eventually start going out with someone that he might be freaked out or just feel weird about my lack of experience. I would like to know if this sort of thing does really bother guys, and would really appreciate any advice you have to offer!
VictorM's advice:
If you gave 100 guys the choice to pick one of two girls for a serious relationship, where the two girls are identical expect for their sexual/dating experience, 99 out of a 100 (OK, make that 94 out of 95 -- the other 5 would be gay) would choose the least experienced girl. Guys hate... HATE... to know that a girl had lots of boyfriends or lovers. Almost all guys, if they could chart their own life, would hook-up with a virgin.
Don't believe me? Why do you think they promise suicide bombers 72 virgins and not 72 girls that have been around the block a few times? Think about that.
I think you probably exude an appearance of someone who doesn't fool around, so you discourage guys who are only interested in quick hits. That leaves a much smaller universe of guys available to find you. But the right one will. "Good thinks come to those who wait" and that saying is totally appropriate for a girl like you.
Besides, you called me "Dear", so now you've been sprinkled with "good things will happen to you" e-dust.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Dear Victor, as you can see, I am 20 years old. I am starting to get really worried because I have never had a boyfriend, and have only ever kissed two guys, because I don't like doing the random "hook up at a club" thing. I am concerned because I don't understand why the guys I like are never interested in me although I am told I am very pretty and fun to be around. I am also worried that when I do eventually start going out with someone that he might be freaked out or just feel weird about my lack of experience. I would like to know if this sort of thing does really bother guys, and would really appreciate any advice you have to offer!
VictorM's advice:
If you gave 100 guys the choice to pick one of two girls for a serious relationship, where the two girls are identical expect for their sexual/dating experience, 99 out of a 100 (OK, make that 94 out of 95 -- the other 5 would be gay) would choose the least experienced girl. Guys hate... HATE... to know that a girl had lots of boyfriends or lovers. Almost all guys, if they could chart their own life, would hook-up with a virgin.
Don't believe me? Why do you think they promise suicide bombers 72 virgins and not 72 girls that have been around the block a few times? Think about that.
I think you probably exude an appearance of someone who doesn't fool around, so you discourage guys who are only interested in quick hits. That leaves a much smaller universe of guys available to find you. But the right one will. "Good thinks come to those who wait" and that saying is totally appropriate for a girl like you.
Besides, you called me "Dear", so now you've been sprinkled with "good things will happen to you" e-dust.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Time to think
amanda, from ktown asks:
Okay, I'm in love with this perfect guy. We've been ''dealing'' for months now. I asked him last night if anything was going to go further and he said he needed time to think about it. I don't know how much longer I can wait. How can I make him fall in love with me?
VictorM's advice:
This is simple: the perfect guy doesn't think you're the perfect girl. Period.
You can't make anyone fall in love with you. And in this case, he seems pretty sure that you're not the one for him. But your chances might get better if you stop thinking of him as perfect. Most guys like a girl they work for, not one that kisses the ground they walk on; such girls are annoyingly boring and satisfy only the most insecure of men.
Don't "deal" with him; let him earn your attention and your company. And if he doesn't come after you, you'll know the waiting is over.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Okay, I'm in love with this perfect guy. We've been ''dealing'' for months now. I asked him last night if anything was going to go further and he said he needed time to think about it. I don't know how much longer I can wait. How can I make him fall in love with me?
VictorM's advice:
This is simple: the perfect guy doesn't think you're the perfect girl. Period.
You can't make anyone fall in love with you. And in this case, he seems pretty sure that you're not the one for him. But your chances might get better if you stop thinking of him as perfect. Most guys like a girl they work for, not one that kisses the ground they walk on; such girls are annoyingly boring and satisfy only the most insecure of men.
Don't "deal" with him; let him earn your attention and your company. And if he doesn't come after you, you'll know the waiting is over.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Problems since the beginning
Tia, 16, from Oklahoma asks:
My boyfriend and I have been having problems since the beginning. Before we were actually dating he was wonderful then once we started going out he cheated on me. Thankfully he told me the truth so I accepted him back. Now he will call me and tell me how much he misses me one minute and hang up the next. He promises to call me back and a day or two later I might actually get a phone call. He gets easily defensive when it is clear to everyone else that I'm just playing around. I often feel as if he is trying to get me to break up with him so he doesn't have to but then he comes back and dedicates a song to me or tells me how much he misses me. (He is gone for the summer) When he is actually here he acts like we are together sometimes but then around certain people he won't touch me, hug me, kiss me or even sit or stand by me a lot of the time. What is his deal?
VictorM's answer:
I'm willing to bet you two have sex. He'll say anything, when he needs to, to keep you putting out. That's basically it.
When you took him back after he cheated, you lowered the bar to what's acceptable. He knows you're a weak female who can be manipulated with occasional sweet talk. And as they say, talk is cheap. And by the results, I'd say he's been right about you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have been having problems since the beginning. Before we were actually dating he was wonderful then once we started going out he cheated on me. Thankfully he told me the truth so I accepted him back. Now he will call me and tell me how much he misses me one minute and hang up the next. He promises to call me back and a day or two later I might actually get a phone call. He gets easily defensive when it is clear to everyone else that I'm just playing around. I often feel as if he is trying to get me to break up with him so he doesn't have to but then he comes back and dedicates a song to me or tells me how much he misses me. (He is gone for the summer) When he is actually here he acts like we are together sometimes but then around certain people he won't touch me, hug me, kiss me or even sit or stand by me a lot of the time. What is his deal?
VictorM's answer:
I'm willing to bet you two have sex. He'll say anything, when he needs to, to keep you putting out. That's basically it.
When you took him back after he cheated, you lowered the bar to what's acceptable. He knows you're a weak female who can be manipulated with occasional sweet talk. And as they say, talk is cheap. And by the results, I'd say he's been right about you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friends with benefits
GINGER, 33, from TORONTO, ON asks:
I have had a male friend with benefits for one year now and it has been an amazing and frustrating experience at the same time. Do these kinds of relationships ever end up becoming more? What does the comment "I care more about you then I do about myself" supposed to mean?
VictorM's advice:
No, they usually go nowhere. Guys typically don't like to plan their future around a girl who's easy. And from his point of view, that's exactly what you are.
"I care more about you then I do about myself" is bullshit language for "I'll say anything for you to keep putting out because I like this arrangement".
Friend with benefits is usually a bigger problem for females than for males because males can have sex without the slightest emotional attachment. Females, even if it at first they don't say it, usually wind up wanting something more. As it seems to be your case.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have had a male friend with benefits for one year now and it has been an amazing and frustrating experience at the same time. Do these kinds of relationships ever end up becoming more? What does the comment "I care more about you then I do about myself" supposed to mean?
VictorM's advice:
No, they usually go nowhere. Guys typically don't like to plan their future around a girl who's easy. And from his point of view, that's exactly what you are.
"I care more about you then I do about myself" is bullshit language for "I'll say anything for you to keep putting out because I like this arrangement".
Friend with benefits is usually a bigger problem for females than for males because males can have sex without the slightest emotional attachment. Females, even if it at first they don't say it, usually wind up wanting something more. As it seems to be your case.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Guy A and guy B
Meri, 20, from West Coast asks:
I have been friends with this guy, A, for almost two years now and I liked him briefly around February of last year (but I have known him since September of '04). We started talking, and hanging out more around Feb '05. Then I found out he was also hanging out with another girl at the time. So, long story short he ended up dating her for about 3 short months and when they broke up we started being friends again, there was never really any clear emphasis from him about whether he really liked me or not but he said he wanted to get to know me and that he didn't know what he wanted (this was around the time he and the other girl were still dating) so we've remained friends and still hung-out and never really talked about what happened. But it seemed that at the time everyone else knew I liked him, and he seemed to like me; except for either of us admitting it. I did at one point, but I am still not sure how he felt about the whole situation. I was kind of hurt and buried it away. So this past year he moved away for school and has been coming home during the holidays and we still talk a lot and have gotten to be much better friends and somewhat close, well closer than we were around that time. Then, this February I started seeing my current boyfriend but it wasn't really official til late February but at one point he asked me if I was seeing anyone, and I told him that I was/am. And then he kinda talked to me about this girl he had been seeing but wanted to breakup with her. So I told him I was seeing someone and he told me he was happy for me. But still remained to talk to me a lot as my friend. Now he is home for the summer, for about 2 weeks...but I have been thinking about what happened with me and guy A...even though I am still seeing and very happy with guy B. So I find it a bit odd that it still crosses my mind every once in awhile even though I have a boyfriend, so...is this normal? Is there a way I can ask him about this that won't sound weird coming from me? Keep in mind that I do have a boyfriend, and that I was never really sure if guy A ever really liked me or thought of me as more than a friend at some point, so what does it mean that he asked me if I was seeing someone? I am still friends with his friends and hangout with them and am somewhat close to them as well still. And also, a couple months ago I had a dream, guy A, bought an engagement ring for me but my dad had hidden it away from me and didn't want for me to have it so I never told guy A about my dream and I'm not sure if I should. So...what does it all mean and should I do or say anything or just keep going on, ignoring it or trying to, like it doesn't matter??
VictorM's advice:
I have quite a few female friends living in different parts of the country. They are just friends. If I plan to be in the area, I always ask them if they're seeing someone. Not because I'm interested in them, but because I'd know that planning a dinner or some outing with them would not be a good idea. Guy A asking you if you have a boyfriend could be something along the same lines. In fact, there's little to indicate that he likes you beyond friendship.
But your ego has a hard time accepting that, hence all these involuntary thoughts popping into your head. It's normal that you have those thoughts. But keep them to yourself because they mean nothing anyway.
Your dream is very clear: your dad (metaphor for your moral compass and source of wisdom) is telling you it's best to ignore this guy. At a subconscious level you know it's the right thing to do but at a conscious level you're still tempted. Listen to your subconscious -- it's never wrong. Telling guy A about the dream makes no sense at all; don't do it.
Summary: Guy A is not interested in you romantically. Capiche? Let him go back to school in peace and make the best of your current relationship with guy B.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been friends with this guy, A, for almost two years now and I liked him briefly around February of last year (but I have known him since September of '04). We started talking, and hanging out more around Feb '05. Then I found out he was also hanging out with another girl at the time. So, long story short he ended up dating her for about 3 short months and when they broke up we started being friends again, there was never really any clear emphasis from him about whether he really liked me or not but he said he wanted to get to know me and that he didn't know what he wanted (this was around the time he and the other girl were still dating) so we've remained friends and still hung-out and never really talked about what happened. But it seemed that at the time everyone else knew I liked him, and he seemed to like me; except for either of us admitting it. I did at one point, but I am still not sure how he felt about the whole situation. I was kind of hurt and buried it away. So this past year he moved away for school and has been coming home during the holidays and we still talk a lot and have gotten to be much better friends and somewhat close, well closer than we were around that time. Then, this February I started seeing my current boyfriend but it wasn't really official til late February but at one point he asked me if I was seeing anyone, and I told him that I was/am. And then he kinda talked to me about this girl he had been seeing but wanted to breakup with her. So I told him I was seeing someone and he told me he was happy for me. But still remained to talk to me a lot as my friend. Now he is home for the summer, for about 2 weeks...but I have been thinking about what happened with me and guy A...even though I am still seeing and very happy with guy B. So I find it a bit odd that it still crosses my mind every once in awhile even though I have a boyfriend, so...is this normal? Is there a way I can ask him about this that won't sound weird coming from me? Keep in mind that I do have a boyfriend, and that I was never really sure if guy A ever really liked me or thought of me as more than a friend at some point, so what does it mean that he asked me if I was seeing someone? I am still friends with his friends and hangout with them and am somewhat close to them as well still. And also, a couple months ago I had a dream, guy A, bought an engagement ring for me but my dad had hidden it away from me and didn't want for me to have it so I never told guy A about my dream and I'm not sure if I should. So...what does it all mean and should I do or say anything or just keep going on, ignoring it or trying to, like it doesn't matter??
VictorM's advice:
I have quite a few female friends living in different parts of the country. They are just friends. If I plan to be in the area, I always ask them if they're seeing someone. Not because I'm interested in them, but because I'd know that planning a dinner or some outing with them would not be a good idea. Guy A asking you if you have a boyfriend could be something along the same lines. In fact, there's little to indicate that he likes you beyond friendship.
But your ego has a hard time accepting that, hence all these involuntary thoughts popping into your head. It's normal that you have those thoughts. But keep them to yourself because they mean nothing anyway.
Your dream is very clear: your dad (metaphor for your moral compass and source of wisdom) is telling you it's best to ignore this guy. At a subconscious level you know it's the right thing to do but at a conscious level you're still tempted. Listen to your subconscious -- it's never wrong. Telling guy A about the dream makes no sense at all; don't do it.
Summary: Guy A is not interested in you romantically. Capiche? Let him go back to school in peace and make the best of your current relationship with guy B.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Open relationship
Tina, 21, from Floridia asks:
I was in an open relationship with a guy for 2 years, then out of nowhere he starts dating another girl. He said that he is young and he wants to explore his options and then when he is ready to settle down he will be with me. Should I wait or should I leave him alone?
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't an open relationship mean free to date? Anyway, it doesn't matter. After 2 years, he's done with you. You don't have to bother with leaving him alone -- he's not coming back. Oh, if you let him, he might visit you from time to time for some physical satisfaction, but in every other sense, he's done with you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was in an open relationship with a guy for 2 years, then out of nowhere he starts dating another girl. He said that he is young and he wants to explore his options and then when he is ready to settle down he will be with me. Should I wait or should I leave him alone?
VictorM's advice:
Doesn't an open relationship mean free to date? Anyway, it doesn't matter. After 2 years, he's done with you. You don't have to bother with leaving him alone -- he's not coming back. Oh, if you let him, he might visit you from time to time for some physical satisfaction, but in every other sense, he's done with you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
The hottest guy
Bree, 26, from Hartford, CT asks:
Hey, I've been talking to this guy for about three months now. I've known him for over a year. He is THE Hottest guy I have ever seen. He has three kids (with different mothers), he's bouncer, and he claims that he lives with his cousin and her kids but I have never been there before. I am a 3rd year law student on the road to doing big things. I work, volunteer, got a 4.0 last semester, and could potentially make six figures. So, question one is do you think that intimidates him? We met at a club that I worked at as a bartender and he is head of security. We didn't start getting physical until I quit the bar. However, once we became intimate he backed off. He would stand me up, not return my phone calls, be mean to me, etc. I just took it because I thought he would realize that we could be good together. Anyway, for the past month, things have been progressing. He doesn't stand me up anymore, he returns my calls, he text messages me that he misses me, and I see him at least two/three times a week. Just this past Monday, he took me to meet his mom and sister in a different town and bought me a really pretty bracelet. However, when he comes over he leaves. He never stays the night. When he leaves, he leaves at around the time a bar or club would end. Why does he do that? My gut feeling is that he lives with someone who thinks that he is working. My gut also is telling me that his mom and sister are used to meeting his "girls." He refuses to be "labeled" as dating or seeing each other. He calls it an "understanding" where we understand that we are not supposed to see anyone or mess around with anyone. What is going on? This is driving me crazy!!! Help!!!
VictorM's advice:
My good Lord, Bree, trust your gut and use the wonderful brains you have for good purpose. Heck, in this case, even a moron can see the writing on the wall.
They say that guys think with their dicks, but at least they think. You, on the other hand, seem to have lost all brain functions to still be considering this guy (expect for the obvious reason).
It drives me crazy that people like you are driven crazy by such clear cut situations.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hey, I've been talking to this guy for about three months now. I've known him for over a year. He is THE Hottest guy I have ever seen. He has three kids (with different mothers), he's bouncer, and he claims that he lives with his cousin and her kids but I have never been there before. I am a 3rd year law student on the road to doing big things. I work, volunteer, got a 4.0 last semester, and could potentially make six figures. So, question one is do you think that intimidates him? We met at a club that I worked at as a bartender and he is head of security. We didn't start getting physical until I quit the bar. However, once we became intimate he backed off. He would stand me up, not return my phone calls, be mean to me, etc. I just took it because I thought he would realize that we could be good together. Anyway, for the past month, things have been progressing. He doesn't stand me up anymore, he returns my calls, he text messages me that he misses me, and I see him at least two/three times a week. Just this past Monday, he took me to meet his mom and sister in a different town and bought me a really pretty bracelet. However, when he comes over he leaves. He never stays the night. When he leaves, he leaves at around the time a bar or club would end. Why does he do that? My gut feeling is that he lives with someone who thinks that he is working. My gut also is telling me that his mom and sister are used to meeting his "girls." He refuses to be "labeled" as dating or seeing each other. He calls it an "understanding" where we understand that we are not supposed to see anyone or mess around with anyone. What is going on? This is driving me crazy!!! Help!!!
VictorM's advice:
My good Lord, Bree, trust your gut and use the wonderful brains you have for good purpose. Heck, in this case, even a moron can see the writing on the wall.
They say that guys think with their dicks, but at least they think. You, on the other hand, seem to have lost all brain functions to still be considering this guy (expect for the obvious reason).
It drives me crazy that people like you are driven crazy by such clear cut situations.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hardly keeps contact
Ann, 23, from Geneva, Illinois asks:
I am in a long distance relationship with a guy and he hardly keeps in contact. When we make plans to see each other he is always very excited and the times we spend together is amazing, he really treats me very well. But when I am back home I am lucky if I get an email once a week and he never calls, he never lets me know how things are on his side and takes forever to reply to my emails. I know that he is currently under a lot of pressure at work, but is that an excuse to completely ignore me when we not together? He is planning a holiday for the two of us soon, I don't know what to think why would he want to holiday with me, but not keep in touch regularly. Is it possible that he is just not that into me anymore?
VictorM's advice:
Guys are very physical creatures. We like to see, touch, smell, taste. Long distance relationships, phones, emails... none of of that is satisfying to most of us. Not responding when you two are away doesn't mean he's losing interest in you; it just means he's being a typical guy.
Having said that, it seems to me that since he's a willing participant in the long distance relationship, that he has to accept that phones and emails are part of the deal. He's acting as if he wants all the rewards of enjoying your physical presence with none of the obligations that come with the distance. No one is ever that busy that they can't respond to an email or pick up the phone for a few minutes.
I think it's fair for you to suggest to him that although you love meeting him and being with him, that you also expect him to pay you attention when you're not together. Make it clear you're not after phone calls that last hours or emails that go on for many paragraphs, but you do expect some response.
At the same time, you're getting a peek at what type of communicator he is. Don't dismiss this information.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am in a long distance relationship with a guy and he hardly keeps in contact. When we make plans to see each other he is always very excited and the times we spend together is amazing, he really treats me very well. But when I am back home I am lucky if I get an email once a week and he never calls, he never lets me know how things are on his side and takes forever to reply to my emails. I know that he is currently under a lot of pressure at work, but is that an excuse to completely ignore me when we not together? He is planning a holiday for the two of us soon, I don't know what to think why would he want to holiday with me, but not keep in touch regularly. Is it possible that he is just not that into me anymore?
VictorM's advice:
Guys are very physical creatures. We like to see, touch, smell, taste. Long distance relationships, phones, emails... none of of that is satisfying to most of us. Not responding when you two are away doesn't mean he's losing interest in you; it just means he's being a typical guy.
Having said that, it seems to me that since he's a willing participant in the long distance relationship, that he has to accept that phones and emails are part of the deal. He's acting as if he wants all the rewards of enjoying your physical presence with none of the obligations that come with the distance. No one is ever that busy that they can't respond to an email or pick up the phone for a few minutes.
I think it's fair for you to suggest to him that although you love meeting him and being with him, that you also expect him to pay you attention when you're not together. Make it clear you're not after phone calls that last hours or emails that go on for many paragraphs, but you do expect some response.
At the same time, you're getting a peek at what type of communicator he is. Don't dismiss this information.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He is sexy and takes girls out
Joleen, 17, from Kent asks:
I know I am young, but my boyfriend takes girls out in his car, and recently he has just moved and has met a new bunch of friends. Two of these girls wrote on his website that he is sexy and that I had better watch out, but said they were joking. I don't know why this makes me jealous but it does. He has more female friends than male and he naturally flirts. I love him, but how do I overcome this jealousy of his friendship with these girls?
VictorM's answer:
jolene jolene jolene jolene
I'm begging of you, please don't take my man
jolene jolene jolene jolene
please don't take him even though you can
your beauty is beyond compare
with flaming locks of auburn hair
with ivory skin
and eyes of emerald green
your smile is like a breath of spring
your voice is soft like summer rain
I cannot compete with you jolene
and he talks about you in his sleep
and there is nothing I can do to keep
from crying when he calls your name, jolene
Yeah, I know the spelling of the name is different and it has nothing to do with your question but the moment I saw your name I couldn't take the White Stripes song out of my head. Beautiful song, isn't it?
Anyway, back to business....
I think your jealousy is justified. Having female friends is not a crime, but when a guy has a girlfriend, his behavior shouldn't be as if he's not attached. Your boyfriend is not responsible for what girls write on a website, but it appears he's not ready to have one steady girlfriend. At the same time, it would be crazy to expect you to ignore that he's so girl-crazy.
You should make it clear to him how it makes you feel when he's out with other girls or flirts with them. He'll say he does nothing with them. Don't argue, don't accuse him. Stick to how it makes you feel. If he chooses to continue doing it, you have a choice of your own to make.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I know I am young, but my boyfriend takes girls out in his car, and recently he has just moved and has met a new bunch of friends. Two of these girls wrote on his website that he is sexy and that I had better watch out, but said they were joking. I don't know why this makes me jealous but it does. He has more female friends than male and he naturally flirts. I love him, but how do I overcome this jealousy of his friendship with these girls?
VictorM's answer:
jolene jolene jolene jolene
I'm begging of you, please don't take my man
jolene jolene jolene jolene
please don't take him even though you can
your beauty is beyond compare
with flaming locks of auburn hair
with ivory skin
and eyes of emerald green
your smile is like a breath of spring
your voice is soft like summer rain
I cannot compete with you jolene
and he talks about you in his sleep
and there is nothing I can do to keep
from crying when he calls your name, jolene
Yeah, I know the spelling of the name is different and it has nothing to do with your question but the moment I saw your name I couldn't take the White Stripes song out of my head. Beautiful song, isn't it?
Anyway, back to business....
I think your jealousy is justified. Having female friends is not a crime, but when a guy has a girlfriend, his behavior shouldn't be as if he's not attached. Your boyfriend is not responsible for what girls write on a website, but it appears he's not ready to have one steady girlfriend. At the same time, it would be crazy to expect you to ignore that he's so girl-crazy.
You should make it clear to him how it makes you feel when he's out with other girls or flirts with them. He'll say he does nothing with them. Don't argue, don't accuse him. Stick to how it makes you feel. If he chooses to continue doing it, you have a choice of your own to make.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, August 05, 2006
He's a jealous person
Sarah, 24, from Canada asks:
My fiance is, to say the least, a jealous person. I can understand and accommodate most of his concerns, but he seems so fixated on one of our male co-workers. He thinks that I have something for him, which I truly don't. It's gotten to the point that he gets angry if I laugh at jokes this co-worker makes, even if everybody else is laughing. It's hard because we work side by side each day, but it's getting out of control. When he's angry, nothing helps. I don't know what to do, am I wrong to think that he should talk to a professional about this? Even when I think that I'm doing everything right, he still manages to find something that he thinks that I've done. He says that it's me and that I shouldn't act this way, but I don't know how I'm acting that is so bad. Is it me? What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
Your fiance is a sick man! The only thing wrong with you is you haven't realized it yet. And let me tell you, if you marry this guy, it will be the biggest mistake of your life. I usually refrain from making such bold statements, but not in this case. I fear I will not be able to alarm you enough.
No matter what you do, he'll be this way because it's all inside of him. He's the seriously defective one. This type of jealousy is a precursor for many more problems down the road. Today he's jealous of this coworker. Tomorrow will be the mailman, the husband of a good friend, possibly even your brother or father. There is no rhyme or reason for the jealousy, and there will be no trigger because it's all in his head. And men like him are this way, in part, because they are the cheating type. So they see their own behavior in those around them.
Yes, he needs serious professional therapy, but frankly, good luck getting him there. Therapy works when the patient really wants to be helped. He doesn't see it as his problem.
As he ages, it will only get worst. As his looks and stamina decline, he'll be even more suspicious of you. His frustration could possibly lead to violence (this is a common occurrence).
Listen to me carefully: it doesn't matter how good he is in every other way. He could be a saint when he's not jealous. He could be the life of the party. The whole family may love him because they don't see this side of him. He may even treat you like a queen the rest of the time, but one thing is for certain -- he'll make your life a living hell.
My sister married a man like this. We all loved him. He was friendly, helpful, the greatest guy you could imagine. My sister always kept quiet about her life. We thought she was accident prone when we saw her wearing sunglasses indoors, or with bruises. She would always make excuses. This went on for years. One day I happened to stumble into her house and caught him beating her, punching her with his fists. She was crouching against the wall in the bathroom, her face all bloody. And once she finally talked to me, her story sounded exactly like yours. It started with one jealousy over her ex-boyfriend. Then it was this guy, and then that guy. He even suspected me at times, she said. She never left him. He got worst, and she kept making excuses. Each time it happened she was sure it was the last time. It never was until he got dementia and lost all sense of where he is. She stayed with him, and now she changes his diaper, feeds him, bathes him, dresses him, and will be with him till they die. I went to visit her just this May. I noticed he had some scratches on his neck. She confessed to me, in tears, that there are days she beats him just because she can. It's a sad story. Don't let it be yours too.
I never talk about my personal life on this page, but I'll try anything I can to make you realize what you're in for. After I caught him beating my sister, I did a lot of research on guys like him and women like her. And so it is with all the information that I gathered over the years that I say two things to you: 1) This guy will never get better, if anything he'll get worse; 2) sadly, you're unlikely to heed my advice.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My fiance is, to say the least, a jealous person. I can understand and accommodate most of his concerns, but he seems so fixated on one of our male co-workers. He thinks that I have something for him, which I truly don't. It's gotten to the point that he gets angry if I laugh at jokes this co-worker makes, even if everybody else is laughing. It's hard because we work side by side each day, but it's getting out of control. When he's angry, nothing helps. I don't know what to do, am I wrong to think that he should talk to a professional about this? Even when I think that I'm doing everything right, he still manages to find something that he thinks that I've done. He says that it's me and that I shouldn't act this way, but I don't know how I'm acting that is so bad. Is it me? What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
Your fiance is a sick man! The only thing wrong with you is you haven't realized it yet. And let me tell you, if you marry this guy, it will be the biggest mistake of your life. I usually refrain from making such bold statements, but not in this case. I fear I will not be able to alarm you enough.
No matter what you do, he'll be this way because it's all inside of him. He's the seriously defective one. This type of jealousy is a precursor for many more problems down the road. Today he's jealous of this coworker. Tomorrow will be the mailman, the husband of a good friend, possibly even your brother or father. There is no rhyme or reason for the jealousy, and there will be no trigger because it's all in his head. And men like him are this way, in part, because they are the cheating type. So they see their own behavior in those around them.
Yes, he needs serious professional therapy, but frankly, good luck getting him there. Therapy works when the patient really wants to be helped. He doesn't see it as his problem.
As he ages, it will only get worst. As his looks and stamina decline, he'll be even more suspicious of you. His frustration could possibly lead to violence (this is a common occurrence).
Listen to me carefully: it doesn't matter how good he is in every other way. He could be a saint when he's not jealous. He could be the life of the party. The whole family may love him because they don't see this side of him. He may even treat you like a queen the rest of the time, but one thing is for certain -- he'll make your life a living hell.
My sister married a man like this. We all loved him. He was friendly, helpful, the greatest guy you could imagine. My sister always kept quiet about her life. We thought she was accident prone when we saw her wearing sunglasses indoors, or with bruises. She would always make excuses. This went on for years. One day I happened to stumble into her house and caught him beating her, punching her with his fists. She was crouching against the wall in the bathroom, her face all bloody. And once she finally talked to me, her story sounded exactly like yours. It started with one jealousy over her ex-boyfriend. Then it was this guy, and then that guy. He even suspected me at times, she said. She never left him. He got worst, and she kept making excuses. Each time it happened she was sure it was the last time. It never was until he got dementia and lost all sense of where he is. She stayed with him, and now she changes his diaper, feeds him, bathes him, dresses him, and will be with him till they die. I went to visit her just this May. I noticed he had some scratches on his neck. She confessed to me, in tears, that there are days she beats him just because she can. It's a sad story. Don't let it be yours too.
I never talk about my personal life on this page, but I'll try anything I can to make you realize what you're in for. After I caught him beating my sister, I did a lot of research on guys like him and women like her. And so it is with all the information that I gathered over the years that I say two things to you: 1) This guy will never get better, if anything he'll get worse; 2) sadly, you're unlikely to heed my advice.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, August 04, 2006
$300 worth of love
michele, 39, from ca asks:
I've been living with my boyfriend for two years. He was on workers compensation, we are both artist types, he plays music, I play a little guitar and paint. His checks stopped being delivered here due to the fact he didn't pay his share of rent and bills last month and I told him if he wanted to get mail here he needed to give me at least three hundred dollars. He had enough at that time to have given me money, and I would have fixed his mail. Since he did not give me enough money (he gave me 200 bucks..and the second hundred he didn't hand over for THREE WEEKS) I needed the money all at once. So since this happened he's gotten really irritable and angry. He asked his family for assistance and all they said they can do is buy him an airline ticket home but they couldn't send him any money to give to me, so he's got a credit to fly home. Now, and today he said "I don't want to leave you' so I said..tell me five things you LIKE about me, because he had been complaining about everything about me and my apartment ever since this thing with the mail started. He said "I USED to like a lot of stuff about you, but now I can't think of anything I like about you" so my feeling is that if the person can't even tell you what they DO like about you..and have problems..and complain about YOU....this much..they can't possibly love you. Aren't I correct? He should have been able to say what he likes about me. The guy sits around here since this mail issue happened and complained endlessly.
VictorM's advice:
My head is spinning from reading your question, even after some serious editing.
What does mail delivery have to do with him paying you $300? His Workers Comp check should have continued coming to that address unless someone notified the post office that the individual no longer lives there. Did you do that? Be honest now! And "fixing" mail delivery there doesn't cost a penny, you simply notify the post office. So... either I totally misunderstood you or you're full of shit.
That he can't name 5 things he likes about you doesn't mean anything because right now he's angry at you. But asking for such a list is childish. That's not how you know if someone loves you. I don't know why, but somehow I think you're both clueless as to what love means.
I have one question... just how little is the guitar you play?
(See, I can be childish too) :-p
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been living with my boyfriend for two years. He was on workers compensation, we are both artist types, he plays music, I play a little guitar and paint. His checks stopped being delivered here due to the fact he didn't pay his share of rent and bills last month and I told him if he wanted to get mail here he needed to give me at least three hundred dollars. He had enough at that time to have given me money, and I would have fixed his mail. Since he did not give me enough money (he gave me 200 bucks..and the second hundred he didn't hand over for THREE WEEKS) I needed the money all at once. So since this happened he's gotten really irritable and angry. He asked his family for assistance and all they said they can do is buy him an airline ticket home but they couldn't send him any money to give to me, so he's got a credit to fly home. Now, and today he said "I don't want to leave you' so I said..tell me five things you LIKE about me, because he had been complaining about everything about me and my apartment ever since this thing with the mail started. He said "I USED to like a lot of stuff about you, but now I can't think of anything I like about you" so my feeling is that if the person can't even tell you what they DO like about you..and have problems..and complain about YOU....this much..they can't possibly love you. Aren't I correct? He should have been able to say what he likes about me. The guy sits around here since this mail issue happened and complained endlessly.
VictorM's advice:
My head is spinning from reading your question, even after some serious editing.
What does mail delivery have to do with him paying you $300? His Workers Comp check should have continued coming to that address unless someone notified the post office that the individual no longer lives there. Did you do that? Be honest now! And "fixing" mail delivery there doesn't cost a penny, you simply notify the post office. So... either I totally misunderstood you or you're full of shit.
That he can't name 5 things he likes about you doesn't mean anything because right now he's angry at you. But asking for such a list is childish. That's not how you know if someone loves you. I don't know why, but somehow I think you're both clueless as to what love means.
I have one question... just how little is the guitar you play?
(See, I can be childish too) :-p
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He does not call as often
sarah, 36, from springfield asks:
Recently I've started seeing this guy who was a good friend of mine for a few years. A few months ago we started taking notice of each other, specially him toward me, and started being more romantically involved. He won me over by paying me lots of compliments, calling me several times a day, and wanting to spend time with me all the time. However, I somewhat tried not to encourage all of this attention as I was involved in a relationship. Several times I put a halt on our spending time together being that I felt guilty to be getting this attention while I was still with my boyfriend. However, we ended up back together again. It was like we couldn't or didn't want to be apart. Now, I broke up with my then boyfriend and have been seeing my friend more romantically. Even though we haven't had sex, we have done some heavy making- out. The problem is that now he does not call me how he use to and recently told me that he loves spending time with me, loves kissing me, and wants to continue getting to know me, but is not ready to take on the complete role of a boyfriend. He told me this after a one week silence between the two of us. Even though we are back together so to speak, I find myself calling him instead of him initiating the phone calls as he used to or initiating wanting to spend time with me. What can I do. All I have done is to be honest with him and let him know that I really like him. But, I feel that he has all the control.
VictorM's advice:
You let him know that you really like him + you no longer have a boyfriend = you're no longer a challenge. If you read through the archives of this page, you'll notice that equation over and over.
So, what to do? STOP CALLING HIM! Get a life without him. Make plans with your friends. Go shopping more often. Take a night course in car mechanics. Be busy a couple of times when he wants to be with you. Make him feel like you're slipping away. He'll either start chasing you again or he'll be glad you're staying away. Either way, you'll get better results than you do now.
But don't do this just to get him back. You should behave this way ALWAYS. Get your own life, don't be clingy, don't suck the air around a guy. Accept that it's good for him to go with his friends, to enjoy sports, to go golfing, whatever. Respect each other's need for time away from each other and your time together will be much better.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Recently I've started seeing this guy who was a good friend of mine for a few years. A few months ago we started taking notice of each other, specially him toward me, and started being more romantically involved. He won me over by paying me lots of compliments, calling me several times a day, and wanting to spend time with me all the time. However, I somewhat tried not to encourage all of this attention as I was involved in a relationship. Several times I put a halt on our spending time together being that I felt guilty to be getting this attention while I was still with my boyfriend. However, we ended up back together again. It was like we couldn't or didn't want to be apart. Now, I broke up with my then boyfriend and have been seeing my friend more romantically. Even though we haven't had sex, we have done some heavy making- out. The problem is that now he does not call me how he use to and recently told me that he loves spending time with me, loves kissing me, and wants to continue getting to know me, but is not ready to take on the complete role of a boyfriend. He told me this after a one week silence between the two of us. Even though we are back together so to speak, I find myself calling him instead of him initiating the phone calls as he used to or initiating wanting to spend time with me. What can I do. All I have done is to be honest with him and let him know that I really like him. But, I feel that he has all the control.
VictorM's advice:
You let him know that you really like him + you no longer have a boyfriend = you're no longer a challenge. If you read through the archives of this page, you'll notice that equation over and over.
So, what to do? STOP CALLING HIM! Get a life without him. Make plans with your friends. Go shopping more often. Take a night course in car mechanics. Be busy a couple of times when he wants to be with you. Make him feel like you're slipping away. He'll either start chasing you again or he'll be glad you're staying away. Either way, you'll get better results than you do now.
But don't do this just to get him back. You should behave this way ALWAYS. Get your own life, don't be clingy, don't suck the air around a guy. Accept that it's good for him to go with his friends, to enjoy sports, to go golfing, whatever. Respect each other's need for time away from each other and your time together will be much better.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Childhood dreams
melody, 13, from Gainesville, florida asks:
I went out with this guy and then I broke up with him because of a mistake. I told him in my childhood I had some suicide thought or dreams or something like that and it seems like he didn't really like me because of my past. I want to go back out with him and I want to know how or if he would ever want to go back out with me again.
VictorM's advice:
Melody, more than anything else, I hope you've learned not to share everything about your life with a boy. Confessions of thoughts or dreams about suicide are scary for any guy to handle, much more so in your age group. The poor boy probably peed his pants when you told him.
Is there a chance you'll get him back? I say yes. Probably when you grow boobs. By then he'll forget all about your conversion and be all over you. But in any case, continue to talk to him nicely, smile a lot, be friendly and cheerful and he'll realize that you're cool after all.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I went out with this guy and then I broke up with him because of a mistake. I told him in my childhood I had some suicide thought or dreams or something like that and it seems like he didn't really like me because of my past. I want to go back out with him and I want to know how or if he would ever want to go back out with me again.
VictorM's advice:
Melody, more than anything else, I hope you've learned not to share everything about your life with a boy. Confessions of thoughts or dreams about suicide are scary for any guy to handle, much more so in your age group. The poor boy probably peed his pants when you told him.
Is there a chance you'll get him back? I say yes. Probably when you grow boobs. By then he'll forget all about your conversion and be all over you. But in any case, continue to talk to him nicely, smile a lot, be friendly and cheerful and he'll realize that you're cool after all.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Scared about the future
Stacey, 25, from London asks:
My partner and I have been together 2 years and living together 15 months. He has just told me that he is scared about the future and is not ready to buy a house next year with me and gets worried when I talk about marriage etc. He says that I ask him 'will you be with me forever' and he just doesn't know. Is he having second thoughts? He says he loves me and just wants to have fun and not think about the future yet, he is 26 shall I believe him? And just shut my mouth about marriage and houses?
VictorM's advice:
"Will you be with me forever?" is one of those silly questions that girls love to ask and guys hate to answer. Stop asking it; it invites a lie or a detachment from reality that real guys can't handle very well. At least your guy isn't doing either, and that's good. Don't think of it as him having second thoughts; think of it as him not being a silly girl!
Marriage and buying a house are serious business. It's not like buying a new pair of shoes on sale. He's simply not ready to tackle such gigantic issues. You've brought up the marriage bit, and he didn't bite. Yeah, I'd say lay off the subject for a while longer, and just have fun. The future will wait for you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My partner and I have been together 2 years and living together 15 months. He has just told me that he is scared about the future and is not ready to buy a house next year with me and gets worried when I talk about marriage etc. He says that I ask him 'will you be with me forever' and he just doesn't know. Is he having second thoughts? He says he loves me and just wants to have fun and not think about the future yet, he is 26 shall I believe him? And just shut my mouth about marriage and houses?
VictorM's advice:
"Will you be with me forever?" is one of those silly questions that girls love to ask and guys hate to answer. Stop asking it; it invites a lie or a detachment from reality that real guys can't handle very well. At least your guy isn't doing either, and that's good. Don't think of it as him having second thoughts; think of it as him not being a silly girl!
Marriage and buying a house are serious business. It's not like buying a new pair of shoes on sale. He's simply not ready to tackle such gigantic issues. You've brought up the marriage bit, and he didn't bite. Yeah, I'd say lay off the subject for a while longer, and just have fun. The future will wait for you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, August 03, 2006
On and off
yami, 24, from brooklyn asks:
I'm confused and don't know what to do. I have been with this guy that claims to me that he loves me and I do too. We've been on and off for a couple of months now. We live on the same block and I haven't seen him for at least a week and no phone calls from him. What does this all mean?
VictorM's answer:
One of two things: either he has been abducted by space aliens or his claims of love for you are a lie.
There's no need to be confused. If you're "on and off", believe me, there isn't that much love there from either side. The only difference is you're stuck and he's not.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm confused and don't know what to do. I have been with this guy that claims to me that he loves me and I do too. We've been on and off for a couple of months now. We live on the same block and I haven't seen him for at least a week and no phone calls from him. What does this all mean?
VictorM's answer:
One of two things: either he has been abducted by space aliens or his claims of love for you are a lie.
There's no need to be confused. If you're "on and off", believe me, there isn't that much love there from either side. The only difference is you're stuck and he's not.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Should he call?
Monique, 35, from Pennsylvania asks:
Does a guy call you if he likes you? How often?
VictorM's answer:
A guy could like you and not call. Phones are evil devices and many guys hate them. Don't use the lack of calls to gauge his interest. Instead, buy a webcam and chat in the nude* -- you'll get his attention.
*Don't! I'm only kidding.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Does a guy call you if he likes you? How often?
VictorM's answer:
A guy could like you and not call. Phones are evil devices and many guys hate them. Don't use the lack of calls to gauge his interest. Instead, buy a webcam and chat in the nude* -- you'll get his attention.
*Don't! I'm only kidding.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He emailed someone
Annie, 28, from Texas asks:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months now. I really like him a lot and we have started talking about marriage & having a child together in the future. I have a son from a previous relationship and he is great with him. They play video games together, etc.
He was previously engaged to someone a few months ago and he spent a lot of money on her. He has confided in me that he thought their relationship would last forever. I don’t think he is over her and when I ask him about her, he says that he invested a lot of time and money and it was indeed hard for him. I was OK with the honesty and thought over time he would be OK.
I recently went to Costa Rica for vacation with my family. He didn’t go on the trip with me since this was booked several months before we had met. We missed each other quite a bit. He couldn’t wait for me to back. From the day we have met we have spent every day together. He helps me whenever he can. He will ask if I need anything and try his best to see that I am ok as well.
I checked his e-mail when I got back from Costa Rica and found that he had e-mailed someone. He had asked for her number and asked if they could hang out (this was while I was away). The girl gave him her number and told him that that weekend was a bit hard to hang out since it was short notice. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe that the guy I thought was so wonderful was doing this. When I confronted him, he said they had not gone out. He said he felt lonely as he does not have friends in this state as yet (he had recently moved from CO). He said he wants us to be together.
I am thinking that I should leave him alone and never speak with him. Even though he did not go out with the girl, he had wanted to. What if their meeting had turned into something romantic? I am positive she thought he was single as well since this is through a dating service he had once belonged to. I no longer trust him and check his e-mail everyday. I am tired of asking him how he feels, he hates talking about his feelings… he has never said he loved me. I don’t know what to do. HELP.
VictorM's advice:
When I first read your question I said to myself "that's a tough one". But on second reading, I realized this one is easy. You said: "I no longer trust him." That seals the deal. That's all that matters. You don't trust him, therefore you will make his life, and yours, a living hell if you stay together. It's not worth it. Trust is nearly impossible to regain, and without trust, you have nothing.
Your son doesn't need a grown-up pal to play video games -- I'm sure he can get friends his own age to do that with. What he needs is a mom that spends quality time with him instead of sneaking around looking through a man's emails, wallet, calling his work, double checking his statements, wondering about his whereabouts, smelling his shirts, etc. etc. You may not have done those things yet, but if you stay with him, you will.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months now. I really like him a lot and we have started talking about marriage & having a child together in the future. I have a son from a previous relationship and he is great with him. They play video games together, etc.
He was previously engaged to someone a few months ago and he spent a lot of money on her. He has confided in me that he thought their relationship would last forever. I don’t think he is over her and when I ask him about her, he says that he invested a lot of time and money and it was indeed hard for him. I was OK with the honesty and thought over time he would be OK.
I recently went to Costa Rica for vacation with my family. He didn’t go on the trip with me since this was booked several months before we had met. We missed each other quite a bit. He couldn’t wait for me to back. From the day we have met we have spent every day together. He helps me whenever he can. He will ask if I need anything and try his best to see that I am ok as well.
I checked his e-mail when I got back from Costa Rica and found that he had e-mailed someone. He had asked for her number and asked if they could hang out (this was while I was away). The girl gave him her number and told him that that weekend was a bit hard to hang out since it was short notice. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe that the guy I thought was so wonderful was doing this. When I confronted him, he said they had not gone out. He said he felt lonely as he does not have friends in this state as yet (he had recently moved from CO). He said he wants us to be together.
I am thinking that I should leave him alone and never speak with him. Even though he did not go out with the girl, he had wanted to. What if their meeting had turned into something romantic? I am positive she thought he was single as well since this is through a dating service he had once belonged to. I no longer trust him and check his e-mail everyday. I am tired of asking him how he feels, he hates talking about his feelings… he has never said he loved me. I don’t know what to do. HELP.
VictorM's advice:
When I first read your question I said to myself "that's a tough one". But on second reading, I realized this one is easy. You said: "I no longer trust him." That seals the deal. That's all that matters. You don't trust him, therefore you will make his life, and yours, a living hell if you stay together. It's not worth it. Trust is nearly impossible to regain, and without trust, you have nothing.
Your son doesn't need a grown-up pal to play video games -- I'm sure he can get friends his own age to do that with. What he needs is a mom that spends quality time with him instead of sneaking around looking through a man's emails, wallet, calling his work, double checking his statements, wondering about his whereabouts, smelling his shirts, etc. etc. You may not have done those things yet, but if you stay with him, you will.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Keeps messaging
Stefanie, 23, from Australia asks:
My ex and I broke up recently and he said he is scared of commitment, however keeps messaging me that he is lost without me.
VictorM's advice:
He's just trying to convince you that he's a spineless, insecure, scared little child not ready for the challenges of adulthood.
Stop listening for his childish drivel, block him, and start mingling with adults.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My ex and I broke up recently and he said he is scared of commitment, however keeps messaging me that he is lost without me.
VictorM's advice:
He's just trying to convince you that he's a spineless, insecure, scared little child not ready for the challenges of adulthood.
Stop listening for his childish drivel, block him, and start mingling with adults.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hasn't popped the question
lisa, 26, from nh asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. I want to know why he hasn't ask me to marry him yet?
VictorM's advice:
There could be a lot of reasons but the first one that comes to mind is that he's not an idiot. Eight months is nothing. It's far too early to be thinking of marriage.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months. I want to know why he hasn't ask me to marry him yet?
VictorM's advice:
There could be a lot of reasons but the first one that comes to mind is that he's not an idiot. Eight months is nothing. It's far too early to be thinking of marriage.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Not ready to commit
Rebecca, 19, from California asks:
I have known this guy for a long time over the Internet.. we've met a couple times and dated once but it was hard with distance. He lives close now.. but says he is not ready to commit to a dating relationship. Not ready to devote all of his time and dedication to another person. I wonder if he just wants to be a single promiscuous guy but the way he acts and talks about our memories and our past makes me think differently about him wanting commitment. Why does it feel like he still loves me..but won't be in a relationship with me?
VictorM's advice:
Because he's saying the things you want to hear but you're dismissing the real message, which is, that you don't quite measure up to what he wants, whatever that is. "Not ready to commit" is a euphemism for "you're not 'it'"... but, he'd still like to poke you from time to time so he'll say whatever it takes to do so. That's why it still feels like he loves you.
You are right, he wants to play the field, and that includes you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have known this guy for a long time over the Internet.. we've met a couple times and dated once but it was hard with distance. He lives close now.. but says he is not ready to commit to a dating relationship. Not ready to devote all of his time and dedication to another person. I wonder if he just wants to be a single promiscuous guy but the way he acts and talks about our memories and our past makes me think differently about him wanting commitment. Why does it feel like he still loves me..but won't be in a relationship with me?
VictorM's advice:
Because he's saying the things you want to hear but you're dismissing the real message, which is, that you don't quite measure up to what he wants, whatever that is. "Not ready to commit" is a euphemism for "you're not 'it'"... but, he'd still like to poke you from time to time so he'll say whatever it takes to do so. That's why it still feels like he loves you.
You are right, he wants to play the field, and that includes you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Everything in common
Ashley, 19, from Nova Scotia, CA asks:
Okay, I recently met this guy who is 27, and gorgeous. We have just about everything in common. On our first date we got a little wild, but it was amazing, like it was meant to happen. It was wild and passionate like we couldn't help ourselves to do otherwise. He sends me emails before work in the AM and tells me to call him. He calls me babe and hun, and talks to me for hours. I've told him how into him I am, but I feel vulnerable now. I want to know how I can know for sure how he feels about me without looking like I'm trying to dig my claws into him. How do I know if he really wants me, and on what level?!? He seems to good to be true, I can't lose this one!! HELP!!
VictorM's advice:
Guys behave the way he is behaving for one of two reasons: 1) He really, really likes you, or 2) He'll say and do anyting for sex, especially the wild kind. Remove number two for a while and you'll know if number 1 is for real.
Becareful of the "too many things in common". It usually means you just haven't spent enough time together or one of you isn't being totally honest. Have you met his friends? Coworkers? Does he have any problems introducing his teenage girlfriend to his pals and their girlfriends? Does he hangout with you and your friends?
Those are questions for you to answer to yourself. But do remove the sex from the equation for a while. Then see how excited he still is about you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Okay, I recently met this guy who is 27, and gorgeous. We have just about everything in common. On our first date we got a little wild, but it was amazing, like it was meant to happen. It was wild and passionate like we couldn't help ourselves to do otherwise. He sends me emails before work in the AM and tells me to call him. He calls me babe and hun, and talks to me for hours. I've told him how into him I am, but I feel vulnerable now. I want to know how I can know for sure how he feels about me without looking like I'm trying to dig my claws into him. How do I know if he really wants me, and on what level?!? He seems to good to be true, I can't lose this one!! HELP!!
VictorM's advice:
Guys behave the way he is behaving for one of two reasons: 1) He really, really likes you, or 2) He'll say and do anyting for sex, especially the wild kind. Remove number two for a while and you'll know if number 1 is for real.
Becareful of the "too many things in common". It usually means you just haven't spent enough time together or one of you isn't being totally honest. Have you met his friends? Coworkers? Does he have any problems introducing his teenage girlfriend to his pals and their girlfriends? Does he hangout with you and your friends?
Those are questions for you to answer to yourself. But do remove the sex from the equation for a while. Then see how excited he still is about you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Less friendly
Rebecca, 19, from South Africa asks:
I'm really sorry to trouble you again. I am, indeed, the same Rebecca who asked you a question a little while ago. This is a follow-up question: I just wanted to know if guys, (like girls) if they suspect someone likes them and they are not interested, back off and appear a little less friendly. I know if I think someone likes me I'm a little wary around them because I don't want to lead them on unintentionally. Do guys do that? Because the guy I asked the question about earlier does not appear to be freaked out by the photo debacle or anything; he is acting as friendly as ever towards me, so that should be good, shouldn't it? But I feel like I'm having to do all the work, and I know that if I want something to happen I'm going to make the move. If he knows I'm interested, and he's not backing off or appearing colder towards me, why doesn't he ask me out? And do you think he'd mind my asking him out? I've heard conflicting advice that guys prefer to do the chasing. Sorry again to bother you!
VictorM's answer:
Hi Rebecca. I remember your last question. Welcome back.
Usually, when a guy knows a girl likes him, even if he doesn't like her, he'll be friendly and flirty. It's all about ego. Once he knows she likes him, he's in control and he can toy with her. If, on the other hand, he likes the girl, he doesn't have to rush to seduce her. She's already, as the saying goes, "in the bag". This guy KNOWS that you like him, and so he's playing it exactly as I would expect him to.
I suggest that you ask him out. Since he already knows you like him, there is no point in holding back. If he likes you too, he'll go out with you. If he's not that interested he' ll want to play games because he things he can. But if that's his reaction, then at least you know where he stands and you can move on knowing he's not that interested in you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm really sorry to trouble you again. I am, indeed, the same Rebecca who asked you a question a little while ago. This is a follow-up question: I just wanted to know if guys, (like girls) if they suspect someone likes them and they are not interested, back off and appear a little less friendly. I know if I think someone likes me I'm a little wary around them because I don't want to lead them on unintentionally. Do guys do that? Because the guy I asked the question about earlier does not appear to be freaked out by the photo debacle or anything; he is acting as friendly as ever towards me, so that should be good, shouldn't it? But I feel like I'm having to do all the work, and I know that if I want something to happen I'm going to make the move. If he knows I'm interested, and he's not backing off or appearing colder towards me, why doesn't he ask me out? And do you think he'd mind my asking him out? I've heard conflicting advice that guys prefer to do the chasing. Sorry again to bother you!
VictorM's answer:
Hi Rebecca. I remember your last question. Welcome back.
Usually, when a guy knows a girl likes him, even if he doesn't like her, he'll be friendly and flirty. It's all about ego. Once he knows she likes him, he's in control and he can toy with her. If, on the other hand, he likes the girl, he doesn't have to rush to seduce her. She's already, as the saying goes, "in the bag". This guy KNOWS that you like him, and so he's playing it exactly as I would expect him to.
I suggest that you ask him out. Since he already knows you like him, there is no point in holding back. If he likes you too, he'll go out with you. If he's not that interested he' ll want to play games because he things he can. But if that's his reaction, then at least you know where he stands and you can move on knowing he's not that interested in you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Don't want to be humiliated
annu, 18, from Mauritius asks:
I wanted to ask when can I know a guy is interested in me? I mean, I am interested in a guy and he looks at me but does not talk to me. Should I go forward and ask to be friends? I don't want to be humiliated. And what does it mean when a guy does not call a girl for two months despite living in the same area? We had sex for almost two years, so how come it's now that he is fed up? I really love him.
VictorM's advice:
Guy number one looks but doesn't approach you. Um... maybe he doesn't want to be humiliated either, have you considered that? You should approach him and start talking to him. He's not going to bite. Even if he's not interested romantically, he'll be pleased you approached him.
Guy number two is not interested in you anymore. Why does it happen after 2 years? Why not? There is no magic number to when it ends. Sometimes it happens after one day, sometimes after 45 years, sometimes after 2 years. That's life.
Forget guy number two; try your luck with guy number one.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I wanted to ask when can I know a guy is interested in me? I mean, I am interested in a guy and he looks at me but does not talk to me. Should I go forward and ask to be friends? I don't want to be humiliated. And what does it mean when a guy does not call a girl for two months despite living in the same area? We had sex for almost two years, so how come it's now that he is fed up? I really love him.
VictorM's advice:
Guy number one looks but doesn't approach you. Um... maybe he doesn't want to be humiliated either, have you considered that? You should approach him and start talking to him. He's not going to bite. Even if he's not interested romantically, he'll be pleased you approached him.
Guy number two is not interested in you anymore. Why does it happen after 2 years? Why not? There is no magic number to when it ends. Sometimes it happens after one day, sometimes after 45 years, sometimes after 2 years. That's life.
Forget guy number two; try your luck with guy number one.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
