Monday, July 31, 2006
His aunt got in the middle
Sarah, 18, from Arizona asks:
My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago. The story is that he was in love with me for 7 years, then he came down to visit for my friends graduation (his cousin) and then when we did start going out (I gave him a chance) everything was great until he broke up with me 2 weeks later. Well anyways, his aunt got in the middle and pretty much told him to break up with me, so he did, but he says he still does care about me and the stuff she said was stuff I don't recall him saying (well, she was over exaggerating) so now I don't know what to do. I'm lost on why he did that and I'm not sure what he's thinking. If he still does care then what is going on? Please help.
VictorM's advice:
For 7 years he fantasize abut how perfect you are. Then, in two weeks, reality stepped in. So he did the right thing -- he broke up with you. That's what dating is all about. People find out about each other and when they don't think it's a match, the break up and try again with someone else.
Once a guy breaks up with you, translate everything he says into "blah blah blah...". There is no point burning bridges or hurting anyone's feelings any more than one has to, so guys will say anything to get away with the minimal guilt. "I care for you" is just babble.
So Sarah... forget the 7 years, forget the aunt, forget the 2 weeks, forget what he says now. It's over! He's moving on and so should you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago. The story is that he was in love with me for 7 years, then he came down to visit for my friends graduation (his cousin) and then when we did start going out (I gave him a chance) everything was great until he broke up with me 2 weeks later. Well anyways, his aunt got in the middle and pretty much told him to break up with me, so he did, but he says he still does care about me and the stuff she said was stuff I don't recall him saying (well, she was over exaggerating) so now I don't know what to do. I'm lost on why he did that and I'm not sure what he's thinking. If he still does care then what is going on? Please help.
VictorM's advice:
For 7 years he fantasize abut how perfect you are. Then, in two weeks, reality stepped in. So he did the right thing -- he broke up with you. That's what dating is all about. People find out about each other and when they don't think it's a match, the break up and try again with someone else.
Once a guy breaks up with you, translate everything he says into "blah blah blah...". There is no point burning bridges or hurting anyone's feelings any more than one has to, so guys will say anything to get away with the minimal guilt. "I care for you" is just babble.
So Sarah... forget the 7 years, forget the aunt, forget the 2 weeks, forget what he says now. It's over! He's moving on and so should you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tangled up since September
kim, 24, from virginia asks:
My friend and I have been tangled up since September. In that time my ex broke us up into friends again, then my friend started to be more serious with me, then backed off again, then started things up with me, and then backed off. We have been through a lot together. He always has to touch me when I am around and he always wants to know how I am doing or what is going on in my life. We are great together when we are together and he has admitted to being scared. My question is, should I get up and walk or resign another year to his insecurities? I do love him and I don't want to lose him, but it hurts so much.
VictorM's advice:
What makes you think his insecurities will last a year?
Anyway, if he can get close to you when he wants to, and get back off again knowing you'll take him back, why should he stop? He has a good thing going. Maybe they are insecurities, maybe they are doubts, maybe he just wants to play the field from time to time and keep you handy. You have been an enabler of that behavior. Sure, the problem could be his insecurities, but I'm leaning more towards it being you accepting the behavior.
Tell him how you feel about him. Tell him the yo-yo game is over. Tell him to make up his mind. Count to ten. Get an answer. Whatever the decision, make it stick!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My friend and I have been tangled up since September. In that time my ex broke us up into friends again, then my friend started to be more serious with me, then backed off again, then started things up with me, and then backed off. We have been through a lot together. He always has to touch me when I am around and he always wants to know how I am doing or what is going on in my life. We are great together when we are together and he has admitted to being scared. My question is, should I get up and walk or resign another year to his insecurities? I do love him and I don't want to lose him, but it hurts so much.
VictorM's advice:
What makes you think his insecurities will last a year?
Anyway, if he can get close to you when he wants to, and get back off again knowing you'll take him back, why should he stop? He has a good thing going. Maybe they are insecurities, maybe they are doubts, maybe he just wants to play the field from time to time and keep you handy. You have been an enabler of that behavior. Sure, the problem could be his insecurities, but I'm leaning more towards it being you accepting the behavior.
Tell him how you feel about him. Tell him the yo-yo game is over. Tell him to make up his mind. Count to ten. Get an answer. Whatever the decision, make it stick!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Not ready for a relationship
Jade, 25, from Indiana asks:
What does it mean when a guy says he is not ready for relationship, but he constantly calls me everyday. This is giving me mixed signals.
VictorM's advice:
There are no mixed signals here, just you not grasping the obvious. He's very clear: he's not interested in you for a serious relationship, but he enjoys your company / sex / cooking / cleaning or whatever else you two share. And since you're not in a relationship he's free to mingle with others at will.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What does it mean when a guy says he is not ready for relationship, but he constantly calls me everyday. This is giving me mixed signals.
VictorM's advice:
There are no mixed signals here, just you not grasping the obvious. He's very clear: he's not interested in you for a serious relationship, but he enjoys your company / sex / cooking / cleaning or whatever else you two share. And since you're not in a relationship he's free to mingle with others at will.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He's a great dad
Britney, 29, from Canada asks:
I am in a long distance relationship with a man who has two kids. It is difficult for us to get together and sometimes I feel I'm putting more effort into the relationship than he is. He is a great dad and always puts his kids first which I think is great but I'm wondering how I fit into the picture?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know where you fit in, but he has his priorities right and a man like that is worth waiting for. Unless the kids' mom is still very much in the picture.
But have you asked him that question? I have a sneaky suspicion he's better qualified than me to answer you. Once he gives you an answer, maybe I can go over it and tell you what he really means.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am in a long distance relationship with a man who has two kids. It is difficult for us to get together and sometimes I feel I'm putting more effort into the relationship than he is. He is a great dad and always puts his kids first which I think is great but I'm wondering how I fit into the picture?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know where you fit in, but he has his priorities right and a man like that is worth waiting for. Unless the kids' mom is still very much in the picture.
But have you asked him that question? I have a sneaky suspicion he's better qualified than me to answer you. Once he gives you an answer, maybe I can go over it and tell you what he really means.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
The hottest thing around
tina, 19, from nigeria asks:
I met a friend of my uncle's about a month ago. This guy looked at me as if I was the hottest thing around. I've only seen him once since that encounter and the look was still there. Can the look fade just because he hasn't seen me in a while? Do I still have a chance to get him when I see him? Hopefully in the next two weeks?
VictorM's advice:
Do you know how many girls any guy sees in any given day that he thinks is the hottest thing around? Studies show it's about 72 (yeah, I just totally made that up) but you get the idea -- tons, heaps, many!
If you're going to expect something from him based on a look of lust, well, yeah, I'm sure your hotness isn't going to go away in 2 weeks. But unless there is something more substantial coming from him, you may just be someone nice to look at but that's it. You know, like Jessica Simpson.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I met a friend of my uncle's about a month ago. This guy looked at me as if I was the hottest thing around. I've only seen him once since that encounter and the look was still there. Can the look fade just because he hasn't seen me in a while? Do I still have a chance to get him when I see him? Hopefully in the next two weeks?
VictorM's advice:
Do you know how many girls any guy sees in any given day that he thinks is the hottest thing around? Studies show it's about 72 (yeah, I just totally made that up) but you get the idea -- tons, heaps, many!
If you're going to expect something from him based on a look of lust, well, yeah, I'm sure your hotness isn't going to go away in 2 weeks. But unless there is something more substantial coming from him, you may just be someone nice to look at but that's it. You know, like Jessica Simpson.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I thought he was into me
sefa, 19, from ghana asks:
There was this particular guy I was interested in and my best friend thought he was into me too. The problem was she had her idea based on the fact that he remembered a skirt I had worn two weeks previously in great detail. We also rubbed each other the wrong way on most occasions. Did he really like me at all?
VictorM's advice:
I wouldn't know from what you told me. And I can't even say if he liked the skirt because maybe he remembers it for being ugly. Or maybe he'd like to borrow it some day.
Don't blame your friend for making up stuff... after all, she's a girl! :-p
You rubbed each other the wrong way... um... there's a little clue here. That's not typically how it goes when people like each other, but some friction isn't necessarily a bad thing either. So forget the guessing and talk to him. Oh, and stop rubbing him the wrong way -- it's not working well for you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
There was this particular guy I was interested in and my best friend thought he was into me too. The problem was she had her idea based on the fact that he remembered a skirt I had worn two weeks previously in great detail. We also rubbed each other the wrong way on most occasions. Did he really like me at all?
VictorM's advice:
I wouldn't know from what you told me. And I can't even say if he liked the skirt because maybe he remembers it for being ugly. Or maybe he'd like to borrow it some day.
Don't blame your friend for making up stuff... after all, she's a girl! :-p
You rubbed each other the wrong way... um... there's a little clue here. That's not typically how it goes when people like each other, but some friction isn't necessarily a bad thing either. So forget the guessing and talk to him. Oh, and stop rubbing him the wrong way -- it's not working well for you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Busy chasing him
gina, 24, from canada asks:
I know this guy who I have seen a few times and I really like him a lot. I was just wondering if you had any tips on how to let him know I think he is special with out looking like a stalker? I don't want to jump into anything, I like to take it slow. I also like a guy to chase me but for some reason I'm busy chasing him... Any ideas about how I can turn this around?
VictorM's advice:
Showing interest is hardly being a stalker.
You want him to chase you? Simple: pay him two compliments and call me in the morning.
Make the compliments short and direct, like: "[his name], you make me laugh" or "that shirt looks great on you, [his name]". Then, step back and watch him want to be around the girl that makes him feel good about himself.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I know this guy who I have seen a few times and I really like him a lot. I was just wondering if you had any tips on how to let him know I think he is special with out looking like a stalker? I don't want to jump into anything, I like to take it slow. I also like a guy to chase me but for some reason I'm busy chasing him... Any ideas about how I can turn this around?
VictorM's advice:
Showing interest is hardly being a stalker.
You want him to chase you? Simple: pay him two compliments and call me in the morning.
Make the compliments short and direct, like: "[his name], you make me laugh" or "that shirt looks great on you, [his name]". Then, step back and watch him want to be around the girl that makes him feel good about himself.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Breathing heavy
jennifer, 22, from winnipeg asks:
I have this guy friend that has told me before that he liked me but already has a girlfriend. Well the other night I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk. Well we went to his place and nothing really happened because I wouldn't let it but he was breathing heavy and I know he wanted more. I asked him what I am supposed to think and all he said was "sorry, bad night". What do you think that means?
VictorM's advice:
It means he got turned on by you, then realized he should not have come on to you. The "bad night" just meant he lacked the willpower he knows he should have had (if nothing else so he doesn't come across as scum to you).
But word of advice (and pardon my language): quit being a cockteaser! Sure, it's his responsibility to be faithful to his girlfriend but that doesn't excuse you from doing the right thing. Going to his place was hardly an innocent move on your part.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have this guy friend that has told me before that he liked me but already has a girlfriend. Well the other night I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk. Well we went to his place and nothing really happened because I wouldn't let it but he was breathing heavy and I know he wanted more. I asked him what I am supposed to think and all he said was "sorry, bad night". What do you think that means?
VictorM's advice:
It means he got turned on by you, then realized he should not have come on to you. The "bad night" just meant he lacked the willpower he knows he should have had (if nothing else so he doesn't come across as scum to you).
But word of advice (and pardon my language): quit being a cockteaser! Sure, it's his responsibility to be faithful to his girlfriend but that doesn't excuse you from doing the right thing. Going to his place was hardly an innocent move on your part.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
One night stand
Skits, 22, from USA asks:
I had a one night stand with a friend of mine last weekend. We basically grew up around each other. I will admit when I was younger I did like this guy and some of my family thinks he likes me, if not be completely in love with me. Thing is, this guy is a big player. He has had several other woman he would call on a lonely night. I don't want to be anything other than just a sex relationship with him. But I don't know if he wants more or what. I would like to know two things, what are some signs that a guy might like you more than just for sex and secondly, I want to see him again when he comes home this Saturday. Last weekend, the night after we had sex, I let myself into his house under the false pretext of needing to find my wallet before he left in the morning, this was at around 3 am. I went to his room and awoke him, he grabbed my arm and tried to pull me into bed. I did end up staying with him again that night, but he seemed eager to push me out the door the next morning. Do you think it would be okay to go to his house again and just let myself in or is this being too rude? I don't think he minded at all last time. Thank-you.
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, I don't think he'll mind... unless his bed is already occupied. Know what I mean?
I'll end my answer here but I'm sure some of the regulars will tell you what I would have told you if you had asked me my opinion about your plans.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I had a one night stand with a friend of mine last weekend. We basically grew up around each other. I will admit when I was younger I did like this guy and some of my family thinks he likes me, if not be completely in love with me. Thing is, this guy is a big player. He has had several other woman he would call on a lonely night. I don't want to be anything other than just a sex relationship with him. But I don't know if he wants more or what. I would like to know two things, what are some signs that a guy might like you more than just for sex and secondly, I want to see him again when he comes home this Saturday. Last weekend, the night after we had sex, I let myself into his house under the false pretext of needing to find my wallet before he left in the morning, this was at around 3 am. I went to his room and awoke him, he grabbed my arm and tried to pull me into bed. I did end up staying with him again that night, but he seemed eager to push me out the door the next morning. Do you think it would be okay to go to his house again and just let myself in or is this being too rude? I don't think he minded at all last time. Thank-you.
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, I don't think he'll mind... unless his bed is already occupied. Know what I mean?
I'll end my answer here but I'm sure some of the regulars will tell you what I would have told you if you had asked me my opinion about your plans.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why are guys different around each other?
confused, 19, asks:
Why do guys act so different when they are around other guys? There are these two guys at work who I was friends with 'till today. When I'm alone with each one of them, they're usually helpful, and nice. But today, I had to do work with both of them, and then they started telling me that they wanted me to go out drinking with them (even though they knew that I don't drink because it's against my religion... and then they started talking about sex and stuff. THEN they started saying things like "and is that against your religion as well?" about random things like sleeping.. and I told them to stop and that it wasn't funny and then I walked away (I'm glad I did, but I know I should've done that even earlier) ... why do guys do that?
VictorM's advice:
When the guys are alone with you, you're the audience; when they're together, the other guy is the audience. They each want to come across to the other as being a bad-ass and tough guy. Being sensitive and understanding will not score "he's a real man" points with the other guy. Of course, the need to impress the other guy let's you know that they are both either immature or jerks.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why do guys act so different when they are around other guys? There are these two guys at work who I was friends with 'till today. When I'm alone with each one of them, they're usually helpful, and nice. But today, I had to do work with both of them, and then they started telling me that they wanted me to go out drinking with them (even though they knew that I don't drink because it's against my religion... and then they started talking about sex and stuff. THEN they started saying things like "and is that against your religion as well?" about random things like sleeping.. and I told them to stop and that it wasn't funny and then I walked away (I'm glad I did, but I know I should've done that even earlier) ... why do guys do that?
VictorM's advice:
When the guys are alone with you, you're the audience; when they're together, the other guy is the audience. They each want to come across to the other as being a bad-ass and tough guy. Being sensitive and understanding will not score "he's a real man" points with the other guy. Of course, the need to impress the other guy let's you know that they are both either immature or jerks.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, July 28, 2006
Going on a cruise
Ashlyn, 16, from West Vrgina asks:
I email and send my guy mail and he never answers my questions. Also do you think when we both turn 18 he would like to go on a cruise?
VictorM's answer:
Why don't you email him and ask?
(Folks, I don't make these questions up, honest! I'm not that creative.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I email and send my guy mail and he never answers my questions. Also do you think when we both turn 18 he would like to go on a cruise?
VictorM's answer:
Why don't you email him and ask?
(Folks, I don't make these questions up, honest! I'm not that creative.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He's bored with sex
sabrina, 21, from FL asks:
My boyfriend and I have been together only two years and he is bored with having sex with me. He never wants to, he says he is tired or isn't in the mood or isn't feeling well. NO GUY has ever been bored with me before, I'm pretty open to anything in the bed room and in general love to have sex. I don't understand, plenty of guys want me, but I don't want them, I want him and nothing I have done has worked. Any ideas? Or maybe just what I should do, maybe I should just back off but this has been going on for like 5 months.
VictorM's advice:
This has nothing to do with you as a sex partner. Guys generally are happy with sex as long as the female is breathing. So remove yourself as the problem -- you're not to blame.
It's not unusual for guys or girls to go through a sexual slump. Lots of factors can contribute to that: stress, worry, drugs/alcohol, depression, familiarity with the sex partner, health factors, work pressure, etc. but five months seems too much for someone in your age group.
The sensible thing to do is to remove your own pleasure from the equation for now and to consider that there is something wrong with him. Focus on what you can do to help him understand why he feels the way he does. It's not normal to go on such a long dry spell (I'm assuming your first 18 months with him were normal in this respect). So, as a girlfriend concerned for his well-being (not her sexual gratification) talk him into seeking professional help.
His situation is most likely something that you will not be able to fix for him. Don't even try! Just encourage him to seek professional help. And yes, for now, back off.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have been together only two years and he is bored with having sex with me. He never wants to, he says he is tired or isn't in the mood or isn't feeling well. NO GUY has ever been bored with me before, I'm pretty open to anything in the bed room and in general love to have sex. I don't understand, plenty of guys want me, but I don't want them, I want him and nothing I have done has worked. Any ideas? Or maybe just what I should do, maybe I should just back off but this has been going on for like 5 months.
VictorM's advice:
This has nothing to do with you as a sex partner. Guys generally are happy with sex as long as the female is breathing. So remove yourself as the problem -- you're not to blame.
It's not unusual for guys or girls to go through a sexual slump. Lots of factors can contribute to that: stress, worry, drugs/alcohol, depression, familiarity with the sex partner, health factors, work pressure, etc. but five months seems too much for someone in your age group.
The sensible thing to do is to remove your own pleasure from the equation for now and to consider that there is something wrong with him. Focus on what you can do to help him understand why he feels the way he does. It's not normal to go on such a long dry spell (I'm assuming your first 18 months with him were normal in this respect). So, as a girlfriend concerned for his well-being (not her sexual gratification) talk him into seeking professional help.
His situation is most likely something that you will not be able to fix for him. Don't even try! Just encourage him to seek professional help. And yes, for now, back off.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Afraid to kiss
kk, teens, from volusia county, fl asks:
I'm a girl and my boyfriend has tried to kiss me 4 times! He knows I haven't had my first kiss. I want to kiss him but I don't know how to kiss him. Two times he put tongue and lips on mine and I got scared and pulled away. The other 2 times I pulled away from him before he got too close to me.
VictorM's advice:
Stop pulling away, unless he has fangs or a mouth like a crocodile. He may be a lousy kisser (sounds like he is, if he's coming at you with tongue) but he won't bite, your mouth won't explode, and trust me on this: you will figure it out what to do. Besides, just by the mere fact that you're a girl, you're already a better kisser than he'll ever be (unless you smoke, which makes kissing you yucky).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm a girl and my boyfriend has tried to kiss me 4 times! He knows I haven't had my first kiss. I want to kiss him but I don't know how to kiss him. Two times he put tongue and lips on mine and I got scared and pulled away. The other 2 times I pulled away from him before he got too close to me.
VictorM's advice:
Stop pulling away, unless he has fangs or a mouth like a crocodile. He may be a lousy kisser (sounds like he is, if he's coming at you with tongue) but he won't bite, your mouth won't explode, and trust me on this: you will figure it out what to do. Besides, just by the mere fact that you're a girl, you're already a better kisser than he'll ever be (unless you smoke, which makes kissing you yucky).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He slept with a good friend of mine
Jenna, 29, from Nevada asks:
I used to live across the country and moved about 2 years ago. I got involved with a guy that lives there after I moved here. We are really into one another but it's long distance. Recently he slept with a really good friend of mine, and I am devastated. They all hang out all the time still and I'm out here. I don't want it to end but I am mad at both of them. He says he wants to work it out. I was thinking of going to see him, though I don't want to see her. Is that weird? Should I try and work it out with him?
VictorM's advice:
Work what out with him? It's not like you and him have a problem. He slept with her. He probably still does. She's probably not the only one (if he made no bones about sleeping with a good friend of yours what do you think will stop him from sleeping with others?)
What, exactly, do you expect to work out, other than prolonging the agony of being with a man you can't and shouldn't trust?
For the sake of your sanity, your dignity, and your peace of mind, ditch this guy and find one worthy of your attention. Seeking to work things out with this guy reeks of desperation, not love.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I used to live across the country and moved about 2 years ago. I got involved with a guy that lives there after I moved here. We are really into one another but it's long distance. Recently he slept with a really good friend of mine, and I am devastated. They all hang out all the time still and I'm out here. I don't want it to end but I am mad at both of them. He says he wants to work it out. I was thinking of going to see him, though I don't want to see her. Is that weird? Should I try and work it out with him?
VictorM's advice:
Work what out with him? It's not like you and him have a problem. He slept with her. He probably still does. She's probably not the only one (if he made no bones about sleeping with a good friend of yours what do you think will stop him from sleeping with others?)
What, exactly, do you expect to work out, other than prolonging the agony of being with a man you can't and shouldn't trust?
For the sake of your sanity, your dignity, and your peace of mind, ditch this guy and find one worthy of your attention. Seeking to work things out with this guy reeks of desperation, not love.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He freaked out we had sex
amanda, 23, from winter park asks:
Well, I've been dating this guy for 2 months and things were great. He has a 2 year old daughter, which I'm fine with, we went out one night and that's where the problems began. Let's just say it was a "party" night all night. Well the next day he calls me freaking out saying my father gonna find out, that I'm pregnant, and he just wouldn't stop saying stuff about my dad, how's he's a fireman and has all these people and my dad gonna come after him. I tried to tell him nothing bad is going to happen he was just so freaked out that we had sex. And it was agreed that if I am pregnant that I'm going to abort, because we can't have kids, he has one and I'm too scared. So, for the next week we talked everyday. I'll called him an hour after he went but he didn't answer. So he calls me first thing in the morning, what happened? Why did you call me? What's wrong? I told him to forget it, I'll call you later, but he wouldn't let it go, so he told me I ruined his birthday and we should take a break. Both of us agreed just to be friends but things went way too fast over 2 months, I still care about him, I told him all I want is you to be a good father, and do whatever makes you happy. I just don't know what to do I really think it's because we care a lot each other and want the best of both world's. But why does he freak out on me when I tell him I have it under control?
VictorM's advice:
So the guy is a worrywart. There are much worst qualities in a guy. You, on the other hand, are treating the possibility of being pregnant very cavalierly, talking about abortion as if it was as simple as spitting out chewing gum.
Given the circumstances, his concerns seem more properly placed than your "I have everything under control" because the truth is, you don't have anything under control. If you did, you wouldn't be wondering if you're pregnant even when you're too scared to have children.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Well, I've been dating this guy for 2 months and things were great. He has a 2 year old daughter, which I'm fine with, we went out one night and that's where the problems began. Let's just say it was a "party" night all night. Well the next day he calls me freaking out saying my father gonna find out, that I'm pregnant, and he just wouldn't stop saying stuff about my dad, how's he's a fireman and has all these people and my dad gonna come after him. I tried to tell him nothing bad is going to happen he was just so freaked out that we had sex. And it was agreed that if I am pregnant that I'm going to abort, because we can't have kids, he has one and I'm too scared. So, for the next week we talked everyday. I'll called him an hour after he went but he didn't answer. So he calls me first thing in the morning, what happened? Why did you call me? What's wrong? I told him to forget it, I'll call you later, but he wouldn't let it go, so he told me I ruined his birthday and we should take a break. Both of us agreed just to be friends but things went way too fast over 2 months, I still care about him, I told him all I want is you to be a good father, and do whatever makes you happy. I just don't know what to do I really think it's because we care a lot each other and want the best of both world's. But why does he freak out on me when I tell him I have it under control?
VictorM's advice:
So the guy is a worrywart. There are much worst qualities in a guy. You, on the other hand, are treating the possibility of being pregnant very cavalierly, talking about abortion as if it was as simple as spitting out chewing gum.
Given the circumstances, his concerns seem more properly placed than your "I have everything under control" because the truth is, you don't have anything under control. If you did, you wouldn't be wondering if you're pregnant even when you're too scared to have children.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wanting him back
Molly, 20, from Ca. asks:
Why does my ex-boyfriend of 9 months ignore my phone calls? He would tell me he wanted to marry me, we didn't break-up on very bad terms either and our break-up was mutual. It's been a few months now and I want him back. Did he already move on?
VictorM's advice:
If indeed he's ignoring your phone calls, yeah, I'd say he's moved on.
But are you sure he's ignoring your calls and just not getting them? If you want him back you should make an effort to see him in person and get a direct answer, otherwise, you'll always wonder. But... be prepared for disappointment.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why does my ex-boyfriend of 9 months ignore my phone calls? He would tell me he wanted to marry me, we didn't break-up on very bad terms either and our break-up was mutual. It's been a few months now and I want him back. Did he already move on?
VictorM's advice:
If indeed he's ignoring your phone calls, yeah, I'd say he's moved on.
But are you sure he's ignoring your calls and just not getting them? If you want him back you should make an effort to see him in person and get a direct answer, otherwise, you'll always wonder. But... be prepared for disappointment.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Attracted to coworker
Rachel, 21, from NSW asks:
I have had an attraction to a guy I work with for six months, but he had a girlfriend, they broke up a week ago, then I seen him out on Saturday night, and he kissed me then told me he had been wanting to do that for ages. I really like him, but don't know where to go from here because I am his boss. Should I tell him how I feel or wait for him to chase me?
VictorM's advice:
Normally I would say let him chase you, but you being his boss may deter him from doing much chasing. But I'm sure you can find ways to encourage him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have had an attraction to a guy I work with for six months, but he had a girlfriend, they broke up a week ago, then I seen him out on Saturday night, and he kissed me then told me he had been wanting to do that for ages. I really like him, but don't know where to go from here because I am his boss. Should I tell him how I feel or wait for him to chase me?
VictorM's advice:
Normally I would say let him chase you, but you being his boss may deter him from doing much chasing. But I'm sure you can find ways to encourage him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Fighting constantly
Amanda, 19, from Southern California asks:
I've been living with my boyfriend for 2 years. We fight constantly whenever I do not agree with him. His 15 year old brother recently moved in and I do not like it. I want to be with him, not his brother. It just seems like it is not my house. He says he wants to break up all the time but then always says he's sorry when he wants to have sex. I love him and I don't know what I would do without him. Please help!
VictorM's advice:
You don't know what you would do without him? How about... be happy? Find a grown-up that doesn't fight over little things? Have peace and quiet? I'm sure there are many other good things you could do without him.
But if you still can't think of anything, then stop disagreeing with him. Do all he says. Give him sex every time he wants it. He'll live happily ever after. And since you love him, you'll be happy if he's happy, right?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been living with my boyfriend for 2 years. We fight constantly whenever I do not agree with him. His 15 year old brother recently moved in and I do not like it. I want to be with him, not his brother. It just seems like it is not my house. He says he wants to break up all the time but then always says he's sorry when he wants to have sex. I love him and I don't know what I would do without him. Please help!
VictorM's advice:
You don't know what you would do without him? How about... be happy? Find a grown-up that doesn't fight over little things? Have peace and quiet? I'm sure there are many other good things you could do without him.
But if you still can't think of anything, then stop disagreeing with him. Do all he says. Give him sex every time he wants it. He'll live happily ever after. And since you love him, you'll be happy if he's happy, right?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Afraid to kiss him
Debby, 43, from San Clemente asks:
I have been seeing someone for a few months and have been having a sexual relationship with him. We both have talked about feeling that we are in love and a little scared about it, so I feel this is going to be a very long term relationship. My problem is that we are both shy when it comes to greeting each other or saying goodbye. I would like to perhaps kiss him but am afraid to. He has a way of avoiding my eyes at these moments and I feel somewhat confused and hurt. I asked him and he said that I should be more aggressive. Does it sound like something to work on or be worried about?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like nothing to worried about. He's basically telling you to do what you want to do. If you want to kiss him, kiss him. He told you so (when he said for you to be aggressive). Now, you may be asking, why doesn't he kiss you? Everyone is different. Obviously it's not a big deal to him. Since this is something you want to do... go ahead and kiss him!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been seeing someone for a few months and have been having a sexual relationship with him. We both have talked about feeling that we are in love and a little scared about it, so I feel this is going to be a very long term relationship. My problem is that we are both shy when it comes to greeting each other or saying goodbye. I would like to perhaps kiss him but am afraid to. He has a way of avoiding my eyes at these moments and I feel somewhat confused and hurt. I asked him and he said that I should be more aggressive. Does it sound like something to work on or be worried about?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like nothing to worried about. He's basically telling you to do what you want to do. If you want to kiss him, kiss him. He told you so (when he said for you to be aggressive). Now, you may be asking, why doesn't he kiss you? Everyone is different. Obviously it's not a big deal to him. Since this is something you want to do... go ahead and kiss him!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Ex-boyfriend keeps imposing
Beth, 29, from Windsor asks:
I recently broke up with my boyfriend and he's still imposing on my life. He had become friends with my brother and now they have moved in together. He recently partied at my other brother's and slept over. He's mentioning going on my family vacation with my family. I know he enjoyed being with them but short of appearing to be a witch, how do I get everyone, him included, to consider my feelings about this?
VictorM's advice:
You're the one who broke-up with him, so getting him to consider your feelings may not be easy. In fact, it may have the opposite affect; he may enjoy seeing you annoyed. It's your family that you should talk to and explain the situation. Unless they are morons, they should understand that having him around is not a good thing. Let your feelings be known to them and hope they react like good family members should.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I recently broke up with my boyfriend and he's still imposing on my life. He had become friends with my brother and now they have moved in together. He recently partied at my other brother's and slept over. He's mentioning going on my family vacation with my family. I know he enjoyed being with them but short of appearing to be a witch, how do I get everyone, him included, to consider my feelings about this?
VictorM's advice:
You're the one who broke-up with him, so getting him to consider your feelings may not be easy. In fact, it may have the opposite affect; he may enjoy seeing you annoyed. It's your family that you should talk to and explain the situation. Unless they are morons, they should understand that having him around is not a good thing. Let your feelings be known to them and hope they react like good family members should.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Feeling left out
mary, 24, from chicago asks:
The guy I have been dating has a child by his ex and I feel left out. How should I be reacting to this?
VictorM's advice:
Tell him how you feel. But be prepared to tell him how you'd like to be included. If you'd like to be involved in more activities with his son, say so. If you want him to spend less time with his son, well... I hope he dumps you. But hey, at least you'll know where you stand.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
The guy I have been dating has a child by his ex and I feel left out. How should I be reacting to this?
VictorM's advice:
Tell him how you feel. But be prepared to tell him how you'd like to be included. If you'd like to be involved in more activities with his son, say so. If you want him to spend less time with his son, well... I hope he dumps you. But hey, at least you'll know where you stand.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hooked up with one of his friends
Christina, 18, asks:
This kid and I met about 7 months ago and we hung out about 10 times and hit it off (well I was really liking him and he was liking me too because he would call and want to hang out and so on) Then I found out that he was dating someone else in the mean time. But as of a month ago they broke up for good!! So... the other week we hang out with each other and all of his friends and he was very shy and not himself and at that time I wasn't feeling him because his other friend was hitting on me and I went for him ( I have no fricken clue why in the world I would do that--and yes I regret it big time) in other words, we just hook up no sex or anything. But now a couple of weeks have went by and I still really do like this kid from the beginning. But I don't know if he still likes me anymore because he knows that I hooked up with one of his friend. What should I do?? Still go for him? Or move on?
VictorM's advice:
Do not assume he lost interest in you just because of that. Go for him as if nothing ever happened with the other guy. If the topic comes up, say exactly what you told me above, that you regret it. If that event is a problem for him, let him be the one to tell you that, otherwise assume there is no issue there. If it turns out it's something he can't get over, well, at least you'll know for certain, and you'll also know he's an idiot.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
This kid and I met about 7 months ago and we hung out about 10 times and hit it off (well I was really liking him and he was liking me too because he would call and want to hang out and so on) Then I found out that he was dating someone else in the mean time. But as of a month ago they broke up for good!! So... the other week we hang out with each other and all of his friends and he was very shy and not himself and at that time I wasn't feeling him because his other friend was hitting on me and I went for him ( I have no fricken clue why in the world I would do that--and yes I regret it big time) in other words, we just hook up no sex or anything. But now a couple of weeks have went by and I still really do like this kid from the beginning. But I don't know if he still likes me anymore because he knows that I hooked up with one of his friend. What should I do?? Still go for him? Or move on?
VictorM's advice:
Do not assume he lost interest in you just because of that. Go for him as if nothing ever happened with the other guy. If the topic comes up, say exactly what you told me above, that you regret it. If that event is a problem for him, let him be the one to tell you that, otherwise assume there is no issue there. If it turns out it's something he can't get over, well, at least you'll know for certain, and you'll also know he's an idiot.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He won't let go
Stefany, 22, from Toronto asks:
It's been a couple month since me and my ex have broken up.. and he still sends me emails and instant msgs and calls me telling me how sorry he is and how I was his first love and only love and how everything is his fault.. and he thinks about me every morning when he wakes up and every night when he goes to sleep.. and I'm over him and he keeps asking me if i ever loved him .. and that he knows I hate him and I've told I'm moving on.. I'm over him and don't want to talk to him.. my mom and sister want me to get the police to talk to him.. I don't think it's necessary he would never hurt me.. but I just don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
He wants your attention. If he can't get good attention, he'll take negative one. Any contact with you is better than no contact at all. And you seem to have too much contact with him as is. You must end all contact with him. You must ignore him 100% no matter what. Change your username or block his account, change your phone number, refuse to give him the time of day. Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
It's been a couple month since me and my ex have broken up.. and he still sends me emails and instant msgs and calls me telling me how sorry he is and how I was his first love and only love and how everything is his fault.. and he thinks about me every morning when he wakes up and every night when he goes to sleep.. and I'm over him and he keeps asking me if i ever loved him .. and that he knows I hate him and I've told I'm moving on.. I'm over him and don't want to talk to him.. my mom and sister want me to get the police to talk to him.. I don't think it's necessary he would never hurt me.. but I just don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
He wants your attention. If he can't get good attention, he'll take negative one. Any contact with you is better than no contact at all. And you seem to have too much contact with him as is. You must end all contact with him. You must ignore him 100% no matter what. Change your username or block his account, change your phone number, refuse to give him the time of day. Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Brother's best friend
jessica, 26, from montreal, canada asks:
I slept with my brother's best friend now I am really confussed. I got his number off my mom and called him. I told him that if it was a one night stand that it was fine but if he wanted to go out sometime it's cool. He mentioned maybe we could go for dinner and drinks and at that point he had to get off the phone ( he was at work and had a soccer game after). He told me he had my number and would call me back later on (it's been a day) and I have not heard from him. What is the deal?
VictorM's advice:
My guess is he has already called you by the time you read this.
If he didn't call yet, telling him "if it was a one night stand that it was fine" was a mistake. Might have made you sound like an easy lay.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I slept with my brother's best friend now I am really confussed. I got his number off my mom and called him. I told him that if it was a one night stand that it was fine but if he wanted to go out sometime it's cool. He mentioned maybe we could go for dinner and drinks and at that point he had to get off the phone ( he was at work and had a soccer game after). He told me he had my number and would call me back later on (it's been a day) and I have not heard from him. What is the deal?
VictorM's advice:
My guess is he has already called you by the time you read this.
If he didn't call yet, telling him "if it was a one night stand that it was fine" was a mistake. Might have made you sound like an easy lay.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He blushes
Shelley, 34, from England asks:
I really really fancy this guy and am unsure if he fancies me. He pays me subtle or veiled compliments, always smiles and stares at me but if I look at him he quickly looks away. He asks loads about me and makes excuses to touch me (not in a sleazy way). When I compliment him he blushes and looks down and tells me I am sweet. I would love to ask him out but I need a guy's opinion.
VictorM's advice:
Ask him out. He likes you. He will say yes (unless the blood rushes to his face so fast that he faints).
But first, make sure he's not married or attached, unless you're into that sort of thing.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I really really fancy this guy and am unsure if he fancies me. He pays me subtle or veiled compliments, always smiles and stares at me but if I look at him he quickly looks away. He asks loads about me and makes excuses to touch me (not in a sleazy way). When I compliment him he blushes and looks down and tells me I am sweet. I would love to ask him out but I need a guy's opinion.
VictorM's advice:
Ask him out. He likes you. He will say yes (unless the blood rushes to his face so fast that he faints).
But first, make sure he's not married or attached, unless you're into that sort of thing.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, July 24, 2006
Mass, maybe
cindy, 27, from manila philippines asks:
I invited a guy that I like to attend a mass with me and he answered me that he will try. What does it means?
VictorM's advice:
Oh that is a smart answer by him. He gets a gold star.
He didn't say yes, he didn't say no. "Will try" implies he has other commitments and therefore a good excuse for not going if he's not inclined to go to mass. But it leaves the door open to seeing you again under other circumstances. Meanwhile, he can weight the pros and cons and decide if he will be busy or not without burning any bridges with you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I invited a guy that I like to attend a mass with me and he answered me that he will try. What does it means?
VictorM's advice:
Oh that is a smart answer by him. He gets a gold star.
He didn't say yes, he didn't say no. "Will try" implies he has other commitments and therefore a good excuse for not going if he's not inclined to go to mass. But it leaves the door open to seeing you again under other circumstances. Meanwhile, he can weight the pros and cons and decide if he will be busy or not without burning any bridges with you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Asking a girl out
phil, 12, asks:
How do I get a girl to go out with me?
VictorM's advice:
You club her over the head and drag her by the hair.
Oops! Wrong millennium.
You tell her you have condoms and have been tested for STDs.
Oops! Wrong age.
OK, here's the best answer I can think of: Ask her nicely.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How do I get a girl to go out with me?
VictorM's advice:
You club her over the head and drag her by the hair.
Oops! Wrong millennium.
You tell her you have condoms and have been tested for STDs.
Oops! Wrong age.
OK, here's the best answer I can think of: Ask her nicely.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Irritating fiancee
Smita, 26, from Wembley asks:
I am engaged to a man I have been seeing for nearly two years, however, recently we only seem to argue and I don't even know if i still love him. All of a sudden everything he does irritates me. Sometimes I think it's organising the wedding and buying a house that is causing the problems and other times I think it's problems with our actual relationship. I don't really feel needed or wanted anymore. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
It's not unusual for stress to being about the feelings you described. In your case, planning a wedding AND buying a house are probably as stressful situations as couples get. On top of that, the concept of "cold feet" can manifest itself in any different ways, and this could be your way.
It's possible that he's so worried about these events that he's concentrating too much on them and not enough on you. Some people just aren't very good under stress and he may be adding more stress to your life.
I'm focusing in your statement that this happened "all of a sudden". I doubt very much that it's his behavior that's causing you grief; I believe it's your reaction to things. Maybe you're the one not handling the stress very well.
I suggest taking one night alone, no phones, no money talk, no house or wedding talk, and discuss your feelings with him. Please, do not say: "Everything you do irritates me." You need to use passive voice if you want positive feedback. Say things like: "I feel irritated by everything." "I don't feel needed." Give him a chance to prove he can bring about positive feelings from you. Maybe the feelings you feel for each other are being drowned by all the stress. Give them a chance to come to the surface and breath. Maybe you'd even want to sat aside at least a day a week when everything else disappears and you two burn candles, listen to soft music, massage each other, nibble on each other's toes (hey, this might be your thing, who are we to judge?) whatever it takes to connect you two with each other.
Let's not discuss if this approach fails. We want to think positive thoughts!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am engaged to a man I have been seeing for nearly two years, however, recently we only seem to argue and I don't even know if i still love him. All of a sudden everything he does irritates me. Sometimes I think it's organising the wedding and buying a house that is causing the problems and other times I think it's problems with our actual relationship. I don't really feel needed or wanted anymore. Any advice?
VictorM's advice:
It's not unusual for stress to being about the feelings you described. In your case, planning a wedding AND buying a house are probably as stressful situations as couples get. On top of that, the concept of "cold feet" can manifest itself in any different ways, and this could be your way.
It's possible that he's so worried about these events that he's concentrating too much on them and not enough on you. Some people just aren't very good under stress and he may be adding more stress to your life.
I'm focusing in your statement that this happened "all of a sudden". I doubt very much that it's his behavior that's causing you grief; I believe it's your reaction to things. Maybe you're the one not handling the stress very well.
I suggest taking one night alone, no phones, no money talk, no house or wedding talk, and discuss your feelings with him. Please, do not say: "Everything you do irritates me." You need to use passive voice if you want positive feedback. Say things like: "I feel irritated by everything." "I don't feel needed." Give him a chance to prove he can bring about positive feelings from you. Maybe the feelings you feel for each other are being drowned by all the stress. Give them a chance to come to the surface and breath. Maybe you'd even want to sat aside at least a day a week when everything else disappears and you two burn candles, listen to soft music, massage each other, nibble on each other's toes (hey, this might be your thing, who are we to judge?) whatever it takes to connect you two with each other.
Let's not discuss if this approach fails. We want to think positive thoughts!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, July 23, 2006
He does all the work
AJ, from OR asks:
When my boyfriend and I have sex, he does all the work. What can I do to make it funner and more pleasurable for him?
VictorM's advice:
What makes you think he doesn't love doing all the work? For many guys it's better if they do all the work because they can control the pace and it helps them last longer. This way he can pause, slow down, or speed up as he needs to.
Since you two are having sex I hope you have the maturity to talk about it. You should be able to ask him what pleases him the most. Every guy is different. Some like doing all the work, some like variation. You two should talk and discuss what you like most. Don't shy away from stating the things that please you. For many guys, knowing they are pleasing you is most of the pleasure they need. And don't be afraid to experiment (just make sure that if you try hanging from the ceiling fan, it's strong enough to hold the weight -- having a ceiling fan fall on your head is not fun!)
Now, some guys don't like to talk much during sex. If this is the case with him, you two should talk at some other time. Guys like having sex, and they like to talk about sex. So bringing it up should not pose a problem.
But if he still insists on driving, let him as long as you're pleased.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
When my boyfriend and I have sex, he does all the work. What can I do to make it funner and more pleasurable for him?
VictorM's advice:
What makes you think he doesn't love doing all the work? For many guys it's better if they do all the work because they can control the pace and it helps them last longer. This way he can pause, slow down, or speed up as he needs to.
Since you two are having sex I hope you have the maturity to talk about it. You should be able to ask him what pleases him the most. Every guy is different. Some like doing all the work, some like variation. You two should talk and discuss what you like most. Don't shy away from stating the things that please you. For many guys, knowing they are pleasing you is most of the pleasure they need. And don't be afraid to experiment (just make sure that if you try hanging from the ceiling fan, it's strong enough to hold the weight -- having a ceiling fan fall on your head is not fun!)
Now, some guys don't like to talk much during sex. If this is the case with him, you two should talk at some other time. Guys like having sex, and they like to talk about sex. So bringing it up should not pose a problem.
But if he still insists on driving, let him as long as you're pleased.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Stomach Stalker
papergirl, 35, from US asks:
A guy that I work with often looks at my stomach area while we are talking. I think this is an odd place to focus...Is this a way not to make eye contact or is it a sexual thing?
VictorM's advice:
If your stomach is showing, it clearly is a sexual thing. With today's fashions, a nice stomach is the new cleavage.
If your belly is not showing, then I don't know, it could a way to avoid eye contact, but knowing guys, he probably sees something sexual about it anyway. With guys, it almost always comes back to that.
Unless... um... *how to be politically correct here*... do you have a beer belly? Do you look pregnant even if you're not? Because if that's so, he could just be wondering if you're pregnant.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
A guy that I work with often looks at my stomach area while we are talking. I think this is an odd place to focus...Is this a way not to make eye contact or is it a sexual thing?
VictorM's advice:
If your stomach is showing, it clearly is a sexual thing. With today's fashions, a nice stomach is the new cleavage.
If your belly is not showing, then I don't know, it could a way to avoid eye contact, but knowing guys, he probably sees something sexual about it anyway. With guys, it almost always comes back to that.
Unless... um... *how to be politically correct here*... do you have a beer belly? Do you look pregnant even if you're not? Because if that's so, he could just be wondering if you're pregnant.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He stares at me
Kerry, 26, from CT asks:
There is this guy at work he stares at me, comes by my cube and starts clearing his throat. He sometimes comes up behind me and he says somethings that he likes me. But I gave him my cell and we talk here and there at work but he never asked me out. Is he playing me or is he shy?
VictorM's advice:
He says he likes you, so shyness doesn't seem to be a problem.
Some people really hate the idea of going out with coworkers. He may be reluctant to ask you out because of that. Maybe that should be a topic of informal conversation between you two so you can get an idea where he stands on the issue.
I just hope he doesn't gag himself to death.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
There is this guy at work he stares at me, comes by my cube and starts clearing his throat. He sometimes comes up behind me and he says somethings that he likes me. But I gave him my cell and we talk here and there at work but he never asked me out. Is he playing me or is he shy?
VictorM's advice:
He says he likes you, so shyness doesn't seem to be a problem.
Some people really hate the idea of going out with coworkers. He may be reluctant to ask you out because of that. Maybe that should be a topic of informal conversation between you two so you can get an idea where he stands on the issue.
I just hope he doesn't gag himself to death.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, July 22, 2006
His cousin told me
Megan, 21, from fort myers asks:
I like a guy and he likes me too, but he doesn't tell me yet, I know that because his cousin told me. What should I do? I want to go out with him but I don't want to tell him that I like him.
VictorM's advice:
Fine, don't tell him you like him. Tell his cousin.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I like a guy and he likes me too, but he doesn't tell me yet, I know that because his cousin told me. What should I do? I want to go out with him but I don't want to tell him that I like him.
VictorM's advice:
Fine, don't tell him you like him. Tell his cousin.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He doesn't call! He doesn't call!
crystal, 16, from british columbia asks:
I think my guy and I are ready to move into a way more serious relationship. We have been going out for three months and everything is great except for one detail: he NEVER calls me..ever! I have even made him promise and he always makes excuses as to why he didn't call. When I don't see him or I'm not talking to him on the phone, I kill myself wondering why and thinking of reasons and explainations. I start getting frusterated and angry about the situation but when I talk to him, I can't bring myself to get mad at him even though I feel so passionatly about the subject. I feel like I'm doing the effort in everything and I even told him that once, he said he would try to change it and he understood... I don't think he understands how I feel. Why isn't he calling? Why doesn't he call even when I threaten to get mad? Why doesn't he care? Is he just inexperienced and doesn't realize?? HELP!
VictorM's advice:
Oh Crystal, you're acting like a baby! He doesn't call! He doesn't call! He doesn't call! (Are you stopping your feet when you say that?)
Tell him that from this day forward he never has to call you. That you understand he hates the phone and in no way that affects how much you know he loves you. Free him from that responsibility and your life will be wonderful.
(Plus, I bet you a Moosehead, he'll start calling.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I think my guy and I are ready to move into a way more serious relationship. We have been going out for three months and everything is great except for one detail: he NEVER calls me..ever! I have even made him promise and he always makes excuses as to why he didn't call. When I don't see him or I'm not talking to him on the phone, I kill myself wondering why and thinking of reasons and explainations. I start getting frusterated and angry about the situation but when I talk to him, I can't bring myself to get mad at him even though I feel so passionatly about the subject. I feel like I'm doing the effort in everything and I even told him that once, he said he would try to change it and he understood... I don't think he understands how I feel. Why isn't he calling? Why doesn't he call even when I threaten to get mad? Why doesn't he care? Is he just inexperienced and doesn't realize?? HELP!
VictorM's advice:
Oh Crystal, you're acting like a baby! He doesn't call! He doesn't call! He doesn't call! (Are you stopping your feet when you say that?)
Tell him that from this day forward he never has to call you. That you understand he hates the phone and in no way that affects how much you know he loves you. Free him from that responsibility and your life will be wonderful.
(Plus, I bet you a Moosehead, he'll start calling.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Prior relationship with one of his friends
Kendyl, 27, from New Zealand asks:
I have been texting a guy for 3 months now (he got my number from a mutual friend) and he is witty, intelligent, charming, flirts with me and it is great! The trouble is I had a casual relationship going with one of his friends prior to texting him and he brought this up during the one phone conversation that we had and seemed to judge me for it and said that I've got so much going for me, why would I be with this guy? Recently he mentioned finally wanting to meet up but I'm wondering why would a guy want to text a girl for months before meeting, particularly a girl who has a history with his friend. He said he waited so long before deciding to meet because he just got out of a relationship and didn't want to be a part of the "dramas" between me and his friend, of which there are none. Is he just toying with me or is he interested? I feel like I'm being interviewed to be his girlfriend.
VictorM's advice:
There was something about you that bothered him somewhat, and he took the time to digest that information. Frankly, the guys you have dated are a good indication of the kind of person you are. I don't know all the details, but I see nothing wrong with him doing what he's doing.
Having said that, do NOT let him hang that over your head from now on. If he mentions it again, put a stop to it, and do it firmly. Your past is your past and if he wants to live there, he can do it without you. If this becomes a whiny point with him, you do NOT want to be with this guy.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been texting a guy for 3 months now (he got my number from a mutual friend) and he is witty, intelligent, charming, flirts with me and it is great! The trouble is I had a casual relationship going with one of his friends prior to texting him and he brought this up during the one phone conversation that we had and seemed to judge me for it and said that I've got so much going for me, why would I be with this guy? Recently he mentioned finally wanting to meet up but I'm wondering why would a guy want to text a girl for months before meeting, particularly a girl who has a history with his friend. He said he waited so long before deciding to meet because he just got out of a relationship and didn't want to be a part of the "dramas" between me and his friend, of which there are none. Is he just toying with me or is he interested? I feel like I'm being interviewed to be his girlfriend.
VictorM's advice:
There was something about you that bothered him somewhat, and he took the time to digest that information. Frankly, the guys you have dated are a good indication of the kind of person you are. I don't know all the details, but I see nothing wrong with him doing what he's doing.
Having said that, do NOT let him hang that over your head from now on. If he mentions it again, put a stop to it, and do it firmly. Your past is your past and if he wants to live there, he can do it without you. If this becomes a whiny point with him, you do NOT want to be with this guy.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He does not want to be a father
Mollie, 19, from Louisiana asks:
I was wondering what to do with my boyfriend he is about to be 24 years old and I will be turning 20 in a couple of months and he has a son with another woman. His ex girlfriend the mother of his child has made my life hell just because I am dating her ex but she also has 2 other kids by other guys. When I first started dating him everything was great I was ok with him having a kid but with all the baby momma drama stuff that came with it I just don't want to deal with it anymore. Also his parents who he STILL lives with will get his son when it isn't his turn and that would ruin our plans. He does not want his son. He will fake sick not to get him he says he does not want to be a father to him he can't even tell me he loves the kid but he does pay 400 dollars a month for child support and he'll see him once a month but his parents act like their more his sons parents and it drives us crazy... He tried to tell his parents he does not want his son and I do understand that's wrong but he doesn't want to play with him and that will only hurt in when he notices that more in the long run. He will tell his parents that he does not want him then they will talk him in to keeping him and they blame me for not wanting him and I don't want a kid I see that now but I NEVER asked him to pick between us NEVER!! How do I get my boyfriend to be a man and stick up to his parents and telling him that he does not want his son but he will keep paying for him without him being talked into spending time with him...and letting his parents think that I'm the reason hes doing this when I'm NOT!!
VictorM's advice:
A better question is, how can I turn my boyfriend into a real man, one with decency and dignity because he lacks all of it?
Mollie, from my point of view a man who doesn't want his own son is a rotten creep. I'll say no more.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was wondering what to do with my boyfriend he is about to be 24 years old and I will be turning 20 in a couple of months and he has a son with another woman. His ex girlfriend the mother of his child has made my life hell just because I am dating her ex but she also has 2 other kids by other guys. When I first started dating him everything was great I was ok with him having a kid but with all the baby momma drama stuff that came with it I just don't want to deal with it anymore. Also his parents who he STILL lives with will get his son when it isn't his turn and that would ruin our plans. He does not want his son. He will fake sick not to get him he says he does not want to be a father to him he can't even tell me he loves the kid but he does pay 400 dollars a month for child support and he'll see him once a month but his parents act like their more his sons parents and it drives us crazy... He tried to tell his parents he does not want his son and I do understand that's wrong but he doesn't want to play with him and that will only hurt in when he notices that more in the long run. He will tell his parents that he does not want him then they will talk him in to keeping him and they blame me for not wanting him and I don't want a kid I see that now but I NEVER asked him to pick between us NEVER!! How do I get my boyfriend to be a man and stick up to his parents and telling him that he does not want his son but he will keep paying for him without him being talked into spending time with him...and letting his parents think that I'm the reason hes doing this when I'm NOT!!
VictorM's advice:
A better question is, how can I turn my boyfriend into a real man, one with decency and dignity because he lacks all of it?
Mollie, from my point of view a man who doesn't want his own son is a rotten creep. I'll say no more.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, July 21, 2006
Admiration
Joan, 49, from Colorado asks:
What does it mean when a guy says to you "you have my admiration?"
VictorM's advice:
It's a compliment, that's what it is. Probably not one soliciting romance. Last time I remember using that expression I was referring to Mother Teresa.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What does it mean when a guy says to you "you have my admiration?"
VictorM's advice:
It's a compliment, that's what it is. Probably not one soliciting romance. Last time I remember using that expression I was referring to Mother Teresa.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Magic question
Marce, 18, from south africa asks:
I met a wonderful guy a while back and he asked for my number. We speak to each other on a daily basis and see each other at least twice a week. I want to know if he really is interested but I don't want to do it in way that might make him feel cornered. I do believe some feelings exist because if I don't speak to him for the day he still makes an effort to keep in touch. How do I suss out if he wants things to develop or just remain the same? Is there some magic question I could ask? No, seriously what do I say to him without sounding desperate for a relationship?
VictorM's advice:
If he's interested he won't feel cornered. But please, do NOT think relationship yet. What's the rush? Get to know him better. Try to spend time with him alone, go to the mall, to the movies, stuff like that. Give him time to sweep you off your feet. That's what guys like to do.
No, there is no magic question. But if you're really impatient, this one comes close: "Well, are you gonna kiss me or what?" Guys find that magical.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I met a wonderful guy a while back and he asked for my number. We speak to each other on a daily basis and see each other at least twice a week. I want to know if he really is interested but I don't want to do it in way that might make him feel cornered. I do believe some feelings exist because if I don't speak to him for the day he still makes an effort to keep in touch. How do I suss out if he wants things to develop or just remain the same? Is there some magic question I could ask? No, seriously what do I say to him without sounding desperate for a relationship?
VictorM's advice:
If he's interested he won't feel cornered. But please, do NOT think relationship yet. What's the rush? Get to know him better. Try to spend time with him alone, go to the mall, to the movies, stuff like that. Give him time to sweep you off your feet. That's what guys like to do.
No, there is no magic question. But if you're really impatient, this one comes close: "Well, are you gonna kiss me or what?" Guys find that magical.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Distant on the phone
skimgirl, 20, from florida asks:
My boyfriend and I have been separated for a couple months due to his vacationing in California with his family. Since we have been apart, he seems very distant on the phone. Our conversations are short because he contributes little to them. I know he hasn't found another girl over there and think that maybe I am over-thinking it all. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're over-thinking. Instead, cut the phone calls short yourself. After all, he's on vacation and who the heck wants to talk on the phone too much? Certianly not a healthy, sane, real guy, that's for sure. So, say hello, wish him a good time, and go to the mall... or buy a good book and go to the beach.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have been separated for a couple months due to his vacationing in California with his family. Since we have been apart, he seems very distant on the phone. Our conversations are short because he contributes little to them. I know he hasn't found another girl over there and think that maybe I am over-thinking it all. What do you think?
VictorM's advice:
I think you're over-thinking. Instead, cut the phone calls short yourself. After all, he's on vacation and who the heck wants to talk on the phone too much? Certianly not a healthy, sane, real guy, that's for sure. So, say hello, wish him a good time, and go to the mall... or buy a good book and go to the beach.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, July 20, 2006
He gives mixed signals
jinky, 18, from miami, FL asks:
I'm classmates with a guy who gives me mixed signals. We are both in different relationships but we're spending a lot of time together because of school. He is sweet when it's just us but distant when in class. His girlfriend and my boyfriend are not from the same school. He buys me lunch, sings (in a funny way), has invited me to study with him. But we do talk about our girlfriend and boyfriend in passing. Does he like me?
Victor's answer:
If you think there's mixed reasons for his actions, meaning, you think he likes you as more than a co-student, why are you spending lunch time with him? I would think that considering you have a boyfriend you'd have nipped any such development in the butt.
But from what you described, what's so mixed about those signals? He's a friendly co-student. He enjoys your company. So far that's all it implies. But the onus is on you to distance yourself if you think otherwise. You don't wait for the other person to do the right thing; you should take that initiative yourself.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriendDating ex
Angel, 32, from usa asks:
I have been dating with my ex boyfriend online for 5 months. We split up last year, tried the net dating thing a month, it didn't work. We had a lot of hatred bitterness. This year we tried to talk and work it all out. It's been 5 months since we got back together. I haven't met him yet. Here's the problem: he says he's busy a lot all of a sudden, gets mad if I go out with friends, keeps telling me I need my own life and when I say fine I will do this, this, and this he gets angry. Seems there is just him and me in the relationship when I am begging him now to say i love you. He still calls me every day but it's less and less. I am sick and tired of being hurt. I had another offer but the problem is I am in love with this guy. I known him almost a year on here. What can I do? He seems too busy for me. Now. But don't want me doing too much. It's like sit by the phone and wait for him. This is wrong.
VictorM's advice:
Nothing of what you describe has anything to do with love. Either on your side or his. You're both terribly immature and ill-prepared to handle life. This idea that you broke-up, have hatred for each other, hook up over the Internet, still fight like children, but you're in love with him is the stuff that rotten Hollywood movies are made of.
I doubt anything I say will make a change because you're addicted to being hurt, to being a victim, to seeking sympathy from others. Some people are like that. You are such a person. And this guy is a good fix.
I say this because if you were really tired of being hurt, the solution is very simple: break-up with the guy and end all contact with him. It's not like you have years invested on this guy, and it's not like he's even physically there for you to miss his presence. So you really have no excuse. Face it: you deal with him because he feeds your addiction for suffering.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been dating with my ex boyfriend online for 5 months. We split up last year, tried the net dating thing a month, it didn't work. We had a lot of hatred bitterness. This year we tried to talk and work it all out. It's been 5 months since we got back together. I haven't met him yet. Here's the problem: he says he's busy a lot all of a sudden, gets mad if I go out with friends, keeps telling me I need my own life and when I say fine I will do this, this, and this he gets angry. Seems there is just him and me in the relationship when I am begging him now to say i love you. He still calls me every day but it's less and less. I am sick and tired of being hurt. I had another offer but the problem is I am in love with this guy. I known him almost a year on here. What can I do? He seems too busy for me. Now. But don't want me doing too much. It's like sit by the phone and wait for him. This is wrong.
VictorM's advice:
Nothing of what you describe has anything to do with love. Either on your side or his. You're both terribly immature and ill-prepared to handle life. This idea that you broke-up, have hatred for each other, hook up over the Internet, still fight like children, but you're in love with him is the stuff that rotten Hollywood movies are made of.
I doubt anything I say will make a change because you're addicted to being hurt, to being a victim, to seeking sympathy from others. Some people are like that. You are such a person. And this guy is a good fix.
I say this because if you were really tired of being hurt, the solution is very simple: break-up with the guy and end all contact with him. It's not like you have years invested on this guy, and it's not like he's even physically there for you to miss his presence. So you really have no excuse. Face it: you deal with him because he feeds your addiction for suffering.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Ex wanted to talk
Kristy, 20, from Michigan asks:
The other night was my Birthday and it was the first time I had seen my ex-boyfriend (first true love) in over a month. A bunch of my friends got together and had a party for me, including Rich, at first it seemed innocent when he stayed behind and his current girlfriend left, we started to talk and we were looking at the stars like we used to always do when we were together, we were one of the last people at the party and he didn't have a ride home so I offered to take him home and he asked me to come in for a little while so we could "talk". I agreed but didn't really think anything of it, before I knew it he was basically throwing himself at me, he said that he didn't want to be with his girlfriend anymore and that we always had such a good time together and we lost our virginity to each other so there is and will always be a part of him that wants me. The next day when we talk he says that he is going to have to tell his girlfriend what had happened because he didn't want her to find out from someone else, which would probably bring an end to his relationship. What does this mean???
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what it means because I don't know why you two broke-up but I assume whatever reasons brought about your break-up haven't changed.
What it seems to me is that he isn't into his current girlfriend. That being the case, what does it matter if their relationship ends? In fact, shouldn't he be looking to end it anyway, whether or not you take him back? That is, if he's a decent guy.
Sounds like he's having second thoughts about being without you, but only because the current girlfriend isn't doing it for him. I suspect if you two get back together, you two will relive the reasons you broke up in the first place.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
The other night was my Birthday and it was the first time I had seen my ex-boyfriend (first true love) in over a month. A bunch of my friends got together and had a party for me, including Rich, at first it seemed innocent when he stayed behind and his current girlfriend left, we started to talk and we were looking at the stars like we used to always do when we were together, we were one of the last people at the party and he didn't have a ride home so I offered to take him home and he asked me to come in for a little while so we could "talk". I agreed but didn't really think anything of it, before I knew it he was basically throwing himself at me, he said that he didn't want to be with his girlfriend anymore and that we always had such a good time together and we lost our virginity to each other so there is and will always be a part of him that wants me. The next day when we talk he says that he is going to have to tell his girlfriend what had happened because he didn't want her to find out from someone else, which would probably bring an end to his relationship. What does this mean???
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what it means because I don't know why you two broke-up but I assume whatever reasons brought about your break-up haven't changed.
What it seems to me is that he isn't into his current girlfriend. That being the case, what does it matter if their relationship ends? In fact, shouldn't he be looking to end it anyway, whether or not you take him back? That is, if he's a decent guy.
Sounds like he's having second thoughts about being without you, but only because the current girlfriend isn't doing it for him. I suspect if you two get back together, you two will relive the reasons you broke up in the first place.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
We just broke-up
Vee, 21, from SA asks:
My boyfriend and I just broke up. We were together for 4 years. We still live together. He says he isn't a dog, he won't kick me out on the street. I can stay for a while. He didn't give me a time to move out. We still sleep in the same bed. The only difference is no phone calls and dinners together. I still love him. Does he still love me? Is he just going through a bad patch? We were really good together, but a lady friend that hates my guts got involved and made a small fight turn into a break up. Is there a chance we will get back together and how?
VictorM's advice:
Not knowing the details of this "small fight" and the real reasons for the break-up, I can't say. It's not unusual for lovers to fight, break-up, and get back together. So I suppose you still have a chance. But if he still loves you, he has a funny way of showing it. People who love each other work their problems out, specially if they have been together as long as you have. For one lady friend to have that much power leads me to believe your relationship was much weaker than you're portraying it to have been.
You ask how you can get back together. I don't know the particulars to be of any more help, but one thing I know for sure: you two have to talk to each other.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I just broke up. We were together for 4 years. We still live together. He says he isn't a dog, he won't kick me out on the street. I can stay for a while. He didn't give me a time to move out. We still sleep in the same bed. The only difference is no phone calls and dinners together. I still love him. Does he still love me? Is he just going through a bad patch? We were really good together, but a lady friend that hates my guts got involved and made a small fight turn into a break up. Is there a chance we will get back together and how?
VictorM's advice:
Not knowing the details of this "small fight" and the real reasons for the break-up, I can't say. It's not unusual for lovers to fight, break-up, and get back together. So I suppose you still have a chance. But if he still loves you, he has a funny way of showing it. People who love each other work their problems out, specially if they have been together as long as you have. For one lady friend to have that much power leads me to believe your relationship was much weaker than you're portraying it to have been.
You ask how you can get back together. I don't know the particulars to be of any more help, but one thing I know for sure: you two have to talk to each other.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He asked for my MSN
diamond, 19, from U.S. asks:
ok..so there is this guy who I only see for a few hours a week at work asked me for my MSN a few weeks ago. We talked on MSN, and we still do (and now we talk at work as well). He asked me out on a date the 2nd and 3rd time I talked with him. (on msn) I never really gave him a straight answer because I didn't know what I wanted/ I wanted to get to know him better first. He asked me if it was a "no", and all I said was "it's not". Now, that I know him better, I realized that we're just different people, and although I'm attracted to him, I don't think that it'll work out, and he's not really my type... at all (and does things that I'm against/etc..) (+ he goes to college 2 hours away again in September.) He hasn't really mentioned the "going out" part again, but I really don't know what to do. I wouldn't really mind staying friends with him, but do I just wait for him to ask me again, and then tell him I'm not interested? Do I just bring up the subject on my own? Or do I just not say anything and pretend like he didn't say anything (as I'm doing now)? please help and thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Stay the course. You don't have to give him any answer, and you don't have to explain yourself. There's a good chance he's gotten the hint, but in case he hasn't and asks again, just say: "No thank you". Don't give in to the urge to have to explain yourself -- you don't have to.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
ok..so there is this guy who I only see for a few hours a week at work asked me for my MSN a few weeks ago. We talked on MSN, and we still do (and now we talk at work as well). He asked me out on a date the 2nd and 3rd time I talked with him. (on msn) I never really gave him a straight answer because I didn't know what I wanted/ I wanted to get to know him better first. He asked me if it was a "no", and all I said was "it's not". Now, that I know him better, I realized that we're just different people, and although I'm attracted to him, I don't think that it'll work out, and he's not really my type... at all (and does things that I'm against/etc..) (+ he goes to college 2 hours away again in September.) He hasn't really mentioned the "going out" part again, but I really don't know what to do. I wouldn't really mind staying friends with him, but do I just wait for him to ask me again, and then tell him I'm not interested? Do I just bring up the subject on my own? Or do I just not say anything and pretend like he didn't say anything (as I'm doing now)? please help and thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Stay the course. You don't have to give him any answer, and you don't have to explain yourself. There's a good chance he's gotten the hint, but in case he hasn't and asks again, just say: "No thank you". Don't give in to the urge to have to explain yourself -- you don't have to.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He goes soft
Bre, 20, from AL asks:
Me and my boyfriend have been having sex for 7 months. As soon as he is inside me, he cums. Well, he used to keep going till whenever, now after he cums, he is done. He can't stay hard. Is it me? Or what can we do to fix his problems? I want him to last longer and stay hard longer. It is to the point I just don't wanna have sex cause it is over in 5 mins. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not you. Let me say it again: his sexual problem affects you but is not caused by you; it's not your fault. Say it out loud: "It's not my fault".
It's natural for him to go soft after he ejaculates. There's no problem there. The problem is premature ejaculation. This is a fairly common problem. There are many things he can do, some with your help, to ease this situation but it starts with you two both having the maturity to talk about it. Search the net for "premature ejaculation" and you'll find tons of websites with helpful hints (this one, for example, is a good start).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and my boyfriend have been having sex for 7 months. As soon as he is inside me, he cums. Well, he used to keep going till whenever, now after he cums, he is done. He can't stay hard. Is it me? Or what can we do to fix his problems? I want him to last longer and stay hard longer. It is to the point I just don't wanna have sex cause it is over in 5 mins. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
No, it's not you. Let me say it again: his sexual problem affects you but is not caused by you; it's not your fault. Say it out loud: "It's not my fault".
It's natural for him to go soft after he ejaculates. There's no problem there. The problem is premature ejaculation. This is a fairly common problem. There are many things he can do, some with your help, to ease this situation but it starts with you two both having the maturity to talk about it. Search the net for "premature ejaculation" and you'll find tons of websites with helpful hints (this one, for example, is a good start).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Nothing is wrong
Rebecca, 19, from South Africa asks:
I am desperate for advice! There is a guy I really like whom I know through a mutual after-varsity activity. The whole group of us are friends, but rarely see each other one-on-one. The guy and I have been making sneaky eye contact, and I'm sure he knows I like him, and after going out to dinner the other night I gave him my flash drive to put some music on it for me. When he said goodbye he said, "we must do something, so I can give you back your flash". I read this as progress, because it sounded like we'd be doing something alone, until I remembered leaving some pictures of him I found for a varsity newspaper article I wrote on a competition he did, on the flash drive. Oops. I didn't want to seem like a stalker because it was totally innocent, so I sent him a text to tell him casually about the pics in case he might want to look at them. He didn't reply, but I know he's not very good at replying. My question is, if he doesn't respond at all in the next few days, should I call him and act like nothing is wrong, or do I wait for him to make a move?
VictorM's advice:
You don't have to act like nothing is wrong because... nothing is wrong! He has your flash drive, sooner or later you'll need it, so call him, schedule a time and place for him to return the drive (pick a place where it'll be easy for you two to sit down and talk) and let fate take over.
Boy, this advice-giving business is pretty simple stuff. Next!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am desperate for advice! There is a guy I really like whom I know through a mutual after-varsity activity. The whole group of us are friends, but rarely see each other one-on-one. The guy and I have been making sneaky eye contact, and I'm sure he knows I like him, and after going out to dinner the other night I gave him my flash drive to put some music on it for me. When he said goodbye he said, "we must do something, so I can give you back your flash". I read this as progress, because it sounded like we'd be doing something alone, until I remembered leaving some pictures of him I found for a varsity newspaper article I wrote on a competition he did, on the flash drive. Oops. I didn't want to seem like a stalker because it was totally innocent, so I sent him a text to tell him casually about the pics in case he might want to look at them. He didn't reply, but I know he's not very good at replying. My question is, if he doesn't respond at all in the next few days, should I call him and act like nothing is wrong, or do I wait for him to make a move?
VictorM's advice:
You don't have to act like nothing is wrong because... nothing is wrong! He has your flash drive, sooner or later you'll need it, so call him, schedule a time and place for him to return the drive (pick a place where it'll be easy for you two to sit down and talk) and let fate take over.
Boy, this advice-giving business is pretty simple stuff. Next!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He doesn't want to hang out
Camie, 20, from North Carolina asks:
I have been dating this guy for almost 2 years now, I love him with all my heart. He has never cheated on me and I have never cheated on him. We usually do almost everything together, but recently he has wanted to go play basketball with just the guys or go just hang out with the guys. And about a month ago his ex called him, they didn't talk long and he just was like whatever. But he ran in to her a couple of times a week ago and didn't want to tell me about it because he thought it would upset me. I don't know what to do. I feel like he doesn't want to hang out with me like he used to.
VictorM's advice:
Oh come on Camie, you sound too clingy and too whiny, which explains why he wouldn't want to tell you about running into his ex.
Couples who do "almost everything together" choke the life off each other. Stop doing that! Not only is it good he goes to play basketball with the guys, you should encourage him to do so. And you should plan some activities with just your friends.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been dating this guy for almost 2 years now, I love him with all my heart. He has never cheated on me and I have never cheated on him. We usually do almost everything together, but recently he has wanted to go play basketball with just the guys or go just hang out with the guys. And about a month ago his ex called him, they didn't talk long and he just was like whatever. But he ran in to her a couple of times a week ago and didn't want to tell me about it because he thought it would upset me. I don't know what to do. I feel like he doesn't want to hang out with me like he used to.
VictorM's advice:
Oh come on Camie, you sound too clingy and too whiny, which explains why he wouldn't want to tell you about running into his ex.
Couples who do "almost everything together" choke the life off each other. Stop doing that! Not only is it good he goes to play basketball with the guys, you should encourage him to do so. And you should plan some activities with just your friends.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
She likes her therapist
Michelle, 28, from Illinois asks:
I am writing to you about the therapist I am currently seeing (we are both in our late 20's and single). I like him a lot (I cannot stop thinking about him) and I think he likes me too (I might be wrong though). How can I know for sure he likes me? He makes me compliments almost most of the time, he blushes and gets intimidated when I compliment him, etc., and from his behaviour, I can conclude that he likes me. Or maybe this happens just because he is a guy and behaves this way just when he sees me (do not mean to brag about myself, but I am told that I am pretty and good looking)? Since it is summer, I usually wear clothing that shows some skin (not much though, pretty decently, I think). Is this the reason why he seems to like me or he is really interested in me?Any suggestions about what signals I should look for when I am with him would be greatly appreciated. Best Regards! Michelle
VictorM's advice:
My money is on you making too much of his reactions. Almost all men behave oddly when in front of a woman they find attractive, specially if she shows some skin. That doesn't mean they're attracted to her. I'm sure his compliments are honest, but many people like dishing out compliments; it's part of their personality and it doesn't signal romantic interest.
If you really want to consider taking further action with him, you MUST stop seeing him as a patient. Find another therapist. Let some time go by and if you're still into him, try to see him as a non-patient, if he would even see you then. But pushing your luck now, and maybe even tempting him to give in to your seduction, could cause him to lose his license and ruin his life. Don't do it!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am writing to you about the therapist I am currently seeing (we are both in our late 20's and single). I like him a lot (I cannot stop thinking about him) and I think he likes me too (I might be wrong though). How can I know for sure he likes me? He makes me compliments almost most of the time, he blushes and gets intimidated when I compliment him, etc., and from his behaviour, I can conclude that he likes me. Or maybe this happens just because he is a guy and behaves this way just when he sees me (do not mean to brag about myself, but I am told that I am pretty and good looking)? Since it is summer, I usually wear clothing that shows some skin (not much though, pretty decently, I think). Is this the reason why he seems to like me or he is really interested in me?Any suggestions about what signals I should look for when I am with him would be greatly appreciated. Best Regards! Michelle
VictorM's advice:
My money is on you making too much of his reactions. Almost all men behave oddly when in front of a woman they find attractive, specially if she shows some skin. That doesn't mean they're attracted to her. I'm sure his compliments are honest, but many people like dishing out compliments; it's part of their personality and it doesn't signal romantic interest.
If you really want to consider taking further action with him, you MUST stop seeing him as a patient. Find another therapist. Let some time go by and if you're still into him, try to see him as a non-patient, if he would even see you then. But pushing your luck now, and maybe even tempting him to give in to your seduction, could cause him to lose his license and ruin his life. Don't do it!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Lives with a married man
Chaz, 30, from New York asks:
I am 30 years old and feel in love with a 57 year old married man. He has been married for over 30 years. He promised me he was getting a divorce. We were together for a year and a half. I didn't think I should have to wait around any longer. I went away with him every weekend. That wasn't enough for me. I know in my heart I did the right thing by ending the relationship. If he loved me he would have divorced and been with just me, correct? Any advice to help me would be appreciated. I am feeling very used.
VictorM's advice:
Were you used, meaning, lied to? Not necessarily. Thirty years of marriage aren't easy to overcome. He might have been honest when he said those things to you, but the weight of 30 years of history, family, and familiarity pushed him in a different direction. Real life isn't as simple as typical romantic Hollywood movie; it's much more complicated than that.
I think you did the right thing ending the relationship. Maybe after a year and a half he realized that life wasn't any more perfect with a 30 year old than it was with his wife.
Don't think of yourself as a victim of a lie, just someone who experienced life, and for next time, knows better than to hook up with a married man.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am 30 years old and feel in love with a 57 year old married man. He has been married for over 30 years. He promised me he was getting a divorce. We were together for a year and a half. I didn't think I should have to wait around any longer. I went away with him every weekend. That wasn't enough for me. I know in my heart I did the right thing by ending the relationship. If he loved me he would have divorced and been with just me, correct? Any advice to help me would be appreciated. I am feeling very used.
VictorM's advice:
Were you used, meaning, lied to? Not necessarily. Thirty years of marriage aren't easy to overcome. He might have been honest when he said those things to you, but the weight of 30 years of history, family, and familiarity pushed him in a different direction. Real life isn't as simple as typical romantic Hollywood movie; it's much more complicated than that.
I think you did the right thing ending the relationship. Maybe after a year and a half he realized that life wasn't any more perfect with a 30 year old than it was with his wife.
Don't think of yourself as a victim of a lie, just someone who experienced life, and for next time, knows better than to hook up with a married man.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, July 17, 2006
Madly in love
Kelly, 17, from Britain asks:
I've been friends with this guy for a while now and I told him that I like him and he said it was a surprise and that he liked me too. I found out that he's been telling everyone that I'm madly in love with him and that we are going on a date (which we are). But I don't understand why he would say that I am madly in love with him..is this arrogance or is it because he thinks I am?
VictorM's answer:
In one word: ego! Once he came to realize someone as awesome as you liked him, he felt invincible and lost a little sense of perspective. He could also be just using "guys talk", and that means that "you like him" becomes "you're madly in love with him"... a "kiss on the cheek" becomes "making out"... guys do that just to outdo our friends. We all know it's exaggeration.
But if it bothers you, pull a Rooney and stomp on his family jewels, so to speak. Tell him to cool off his impressions and bring them down to reality. If he doesn't agree, red card him!
Note: For those not familiar with the Rooney reference, this picture should give you a good idea:
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been friends with this guy for a while now and I told him that I like him and he said it was a surprise and that he liked me too. I found out that he's been telling everyone that I'm madly in love with him and that we are going on a date (which we are). But I don't understand why he would say that I am madly in love with him..is this arrogance or is it because he thinks I am?
VictorM's answer:
In one word: ego! Once he came to realize someone as awesome as you liked him, he felt invincible and lost a little sense of perspective. He could also be just using "guys talk", and that means that "you like him" becomes "you're madly in love with him"... a "kiss on the cheek" becomes "making out"... guys do that just to outdo our friends. We all know it's exaggeration.
But if it bothers you, pull a Rooney and stomp on his family jewels, so to speak. Tell him to cool off his impressions and bring them down to reality. If he doesn't agree, red card him!
Note: For those not familiar with the Rooney reference, this picture should give you a good idea:
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
We are really close
carla, 24, from christchurch, new-zealand asks:
I got this friend, we are really close, we slept together once and he denied it. We had a bit to drink so I don't know if he was just saying it to save the friendship or if he was ashamed about it. We go out a lot all of us in a group and were always hugging and he txt me awake every morning. I have developed feelings for him but he only got out of a year relationship about 2 months ago. I just don't know what I should do. Should I keep clear for awhile or should I just be myself?
VictorM's advice:
Duh! Be yourself.
Come on, you talk about a one year relationship as if it was 20 years of marriage. He's ready to hook up again if he meets the right girl. But if you want him to think of you as dating material stop acting like just a friend. Let him know -- not by words but by actions (and I don't mean drinking and screwing) -- what you want.
Love requires taking risks, including risking a friendship. Go for it!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I got this friend, we are really close, we slept together once and he denied it. We had a bit to drink so I don't know if he was just saying it to save the friendship or if he was ashamed about it. We go out a lot all of us in a group and were always hugging and he txt me awake every morning. I have developed feelings for him but he only got out of a year relationship about 2 months ago. I just don't know what I should do. Should I keep clear for awhile or should I just be myself?
VictorM's advice:
Duh! Be yourself.
Come on, you talk about a one year relationship as if it was 20 years of marriage. He's ready to hook up again if he meets the right girl. But if you want him to think of you as dating material stop acting like just a friend. Let him know -- not by words but by actions (and I don't mean drinking and screwing) -- what you want.
Love requires taking risks, including risking a friendship. Go for it!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He got so mad
emily, 14, from syracuse asks:
A boy that I am friends with who I think likes me thought that I told him that I liked another boy and not him so he got mad at me. Then I told him that I never told him that but I think he was still mad. Then a few days later we talked like none of this ever happened. Is he still mad or did he forget about it?
VictorM's answer:
He's acting like a typical guy -- he forgave and forgot. Only girls carry anger to their grave!
OK... I only said that to raise the blood pressure of some of the girls who visit here, but... well, it's also true. :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
A boy that I am friends with who I think likes me thought that I told him that I liked another boy and not him so he got mad at me. Then I told him that I never told him that but I think he was still mad. Then a few days later we talked like none of this ever happened. Is he still mad or did he forget about it?
VictorM's answer:
He's acting like a typical guy -- he forgave and forgot. Only girls carry anger to their grave!
OK... I only said that to raise the blood pressure of some of the girls who visit here, but... well, it's also true. :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Other people started rumors
Brittany, 29, from arizona asks:
When I was 19 I dated this guy for about a year. We broke up because other people started rumors and we just weren't mature enough to not listen. Now we are both married with kids to other people and just recently begin talking again. Now it has become a full on affair that neither one of us feels bad about. I have always been in love with this guy. About a month ago I told him how I still felt about him, I thought he would want to call things off between us but he calls me more now than before. What do I do? Don't guys usually run if the girl expresses feelings that they don't have?
VictorM's advice:
You are generally right about guys but your case is different. You're married and with kids, so it's not like you're likely to pose a threat to his freedom. He doesn't give a hoot if you have feelings for him or not, as long as you put out. Just because he calls you doesn't mean he has the same feelings for you that you have for him. You really are now someone he has more control over. That's all. And he probably likes that.
I don't know what rumors broke you two up, but based on your current irresponsible behavior, maybe they weren't just rumors.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
When I was 19 I dated this guy for about a year. We broke up because other people started rumors and we just weren't mature enough to not listen. Now we are both married with kids to other people and just recently begin talking again. Now it has become a full on affair that neither one of us feels bad about. I have always been in love with this guy. About a month ago I told him how I still felt about him, I thought he would want to call things off between us but he calls me more now than before. What do I do? Don't guys usually run if the girl expresses feelings that they don't have?
VictorM's advice:
You are generally right about guys but your case is different. You're married and with kids, so it's not like you're likely to pose a threat to his freedom. He doesn't give a hoot if you have feelings for him or not, as long as you put out. Just because he calls you doesn't mean he has the same feelings for you that you have for him. You really are now someone he has more control over. That's all. And he probably likes that.
I don't know what rumors broke you two up, but based on your current irresponsible behavior, maybe they weren't just rumors.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, July 16, 2006
He answered ad online
Ali, 35, from CA asks:
I just met this guy 2 weeks ago, he answered my ad online, we talked for a few days, then we met with my children for a BBQ. I like him, but I can't tell if he likes me. He said on an IM "just wanted to make sure you didn't think I was ignoring you", I had im'd him while he was at work, and today out of the blue he called me on the way to work. Does this sound like someone who likes me or am I thinking too hard?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds promising. Making a phone call out of the blue is a good sign that he's interested. But don't go ordering your wedding gown yet. Chances are he's answered other ads and is just window-shopping at this time. And so should you. Be open to seeing other guys.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I just met this guy 2 weeks ago, he answered my ad online, we talked for a few days, then we met with my children for a BBQ. I like him, but I can't tell if he likes me. He said on an IM "just wanted to make sure you didn't think I was ignoring you", I had im'd him while he was at work, and today out of the blue he called me on the way to work. Does this sound like someone who likes me or am I thinking too hard?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds promising. Making a phone call out of the blue is a good sign that he's interested. But don't go ordering your wedding gown yet. Chances are he's answered other ads and is just window-shopping at this time. And so should you. Be open to seeing other guys.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Started as great friends
jenny, 34, from alabama asks:
I was in a casual relationship with a guy, we started out as great friends. We both were developing more intense feelings for each other and were on the verge of becoming a serious couple. A few nights ago he told me (over the phone - we were both drinking as well) that he felt bad when I spoke of other guys. I pointed out that he was the one bringing them up. He also stated that he could never get serious with someone who had been out with one of his friends. This is something that he knew before he and I took our relationship beyond friendship. I spoke to him once since then to tell him that I wanted us to remain friends regardless of the "benefits" and he agreed. I haven't heard from him since. Your thoughts on this situation would be appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
It seems that despite his dysfunctional hang-ups, at least on this one issue he has more sense than you do. Continuing this friendship isn't a good idea. But why would you want to anyway?
His hang-ups are quite obvious and his ability to function as a mature adult in a serious relationship is very much in doubt. If you have any questions about that, tell me, how does he deal with it all? He "disappears" on you. I rest my case.
I think you're a lucky woman. This guy is doing you a favor.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was in a casual relationship with a guy, we started out as great friends. We both were developing more intense feelings for each other and were on the verge of becoming a serious couple. A few nights ago he told me (over the phone - we were both drinking as well) that he felt bad when I spoke of other guys. I pointed out that he was the one bringing them up. He also stated that he could never get serious with someone who had been out with one of his friends. This is something that he knew before he and I took our relationship beyond friendship. I spoke to him once since then to tell him that I wanted us to remain friends regardless of the "benefits" and he agreed. I haven't heard from him since. Your thoughts on this situation would be appreciated.
VictorM's advice:
It seems that despite his dysfunctional hang-ups, at least on this one issue he has more sense than you do. Continuing this friendship isn't a good idea. But why would you want to anyway?
His hang-ups are quite obvious and his ability to function as a mature adult in a serious relationship is very much in doubt. If you have any questions about that, tell me, how does he deal with it all? He "disappears" on you. I rest my case.
I think you're a lucky woman. This guy is doing you a favor.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Caught him cheating
melinda, 22, from FLORIDA asks:
Recently, I have caught my guy cheating on me with a girl who is pregnant for him. He told me that it was over between them, but yet they were out together in public embracing each other. I was shocked at this sight, so I approached him and ask what was up, I didn't want to make a scene so I didn't react in a negative manner. I love him a lot and he treats me very good but how can I be in a relationship with him, the girl and myself. I ask him to leave the girl, but he doesn't want to, but on the other hand he don't want to leave me either. This is a triangle I don't want to be in but am afraid of losing him because he is all I want in my life right now, but it's hard for me to forget that moment. Should I move on or try to work it out with him.
VictorM's advice:
Work out what? He's already given you his answer: he's not leaving her. Besides, if she has his child, they'll be connected forever. If you're not into sharing your partner, you really only have one option, difficult as it may be. But if you leave him -- and you should -- don't keep him in your life. You have to go cold turkey and stop seeing him altogether.
No matter what he tells you, she will always be in his life. Remember that!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Recently, I have caught my guy cheating on me with a girl who is pregnant for him. He told me that it was over between them, but yet they were out together in public embracing each other. I was shocked at this sight, so I approached him and ask what was up, I didn't want to make a scene so I didn't react in a negative manner. I love him a lot and he treats me very good but how can I be in a relationship with him, the girl and myself. I ask him to leave the girl, but he doesn't want to, but on the other hand he don't want to leave me either. This is a triangle I don't want to be in but am afraid of losing him because he is all I want in my life right now, but it's hard for me to forget that moment. Should I move on or try to work it out with him.
VictorM's advice:
Work out what? He's already given you his answer: he's not leaving her. Besides, if she has his child, they'll be connected forever. If you're not into sharing your partner, you really only have one option, difficult as it may be. But if you leave him -- and you should -- don't keep him in your life. You have to go cold turkey and stop seeing him altogether.
No matter what he tells you, she will always be in his life. Remember that!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why won't my boyfriend leave me
Rz, 24, from NZ asks:
Why won't my boyfriend leave me?? I've tried everything!! I ran away, I told him I don't love him, I've told him I'm unhappy, but he's still there!! We live together in my mum's house and everyday when I come home from work, he's still there!! I haven't cheated on him though.... yet. It feels like that's what I have to do to get it through to him but I'm not a cheater, I just want a clean break!! HELP ME PLEASE!!
VictorM's advice:
Ah, a persistent man! :-p
How hard is it to kick him out? Pack his stuff, leave it outside, and change the locks.
Also, announce to all your friends that you and him are not a couple anymore and start dating other guys. That's not cheating.
Somehow I think there's more to this story than what you're telling us.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why won't my boyfriend leave me?? I've tried everything!! I ran away, I told him I don't love him, I've told him I'm unhappy, but he's still there!! We live together in my mum's house and everyday when I come home from work, he's still there!! I haven't cheated on him though.... yet. It feels like that's what I have to do to get it through to him but I'm not a cheater, I just want a clean break!! HELP ME PLEASE!!
VictorM's advice:
Ah, a persistent man! :-p
How hard is it to kick him out? Pack his stuff, leave it outside, and change the locks.
Also, announce to all your friends that you and him are not a couple anymore and start dating other guys. That's not cheating.
Somehow I think there's more to this story than what you're telling us.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, July 15, 2006
He's bored with me
Brittany, 18, from Macomb Michigan asks:
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 6 months now. Everything was fine in the beginning and now everything has gone down hill. He says he is bored of me, and he misses being able to "hookup" with girls and being to hang with his friends. He says he looks back at his old memories and gets excited, but when he looks back at old memories with me, he doesnt see anything exciting. I need to know how to be exciting towards a guy.
VictorM's advice:
You can't be more exciting for this guy because you're not other girls, and you're not his friends. That's what he wants. There's nothing wrong with you, he just wants something different.
I'm sure there are tons of guys who find you exciting. Use your energy finding one of them and let this guy go; it'll be better for both of you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 6 months now. Everything was fine in the beginning and now everything has gone down hill. He says he is bored of me, and he misses being able to "hookup" with girls and being to hang with his friends. He says he looks back at his old memories and gets excited, but when he looks back at old memories with me, he doesnt see anything exciting. I need to know how to be exciting towards a guy.
VictorM's advice:
You can't be more exciting for this guy because you're not other girls, and you're not his friends. That's what he wants. There's nothing wrong with you, he just wants something different.
I'm sure there are tons of guys who find you exciting. Use your energy finding one of them and let this guy go; it'll be better for both of you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He's a tattoo artist
Shandel, 19, from Bay Area, CA asks:
The guy I want to know about I just saw today as we had previous plans to meet up and go over an art piece for a tattoo, he is a tattoo artist. The point is I like him and I know the possibilities are slim but it's rare that I find a guy I like or have any interest in. Today the only questions exchanged between us that weren't related to the reason I was there was, "So what do you have planned today?" I don't know how to ask him if he is single or not. I know better to ask him out tho, for one he is my tattoo artist. I'm comfortable around him but nervous. I'd like to get to know him more but I'm afraid we might not have the same interest..he is also 8 years older than me. How's my luck look? Did I mention I am shy..and he seems to be as well. :/
VictorM's advice:
People who deal with the public, like tattoo artist, hairdressers, manicurists, etc. engage their customers in conversation, and "what are your plans for today?" seems like a canned question that he probably asks everyone. So don't make too much of it.
You may or may not have the same interests, but that's what dating is for, to find out if you are compatible.
So... all that's left is, how do ask him what you want to ask? Believe it or not, the best way for a shy person is to be brief and direct. As in... "So, are you married?" Trust me, he will not bite. I guarantee you he will smile and simply answer, yes or no. But either way, you'll know.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
The guy I want to know about I just saw today as we had previous plans to meet up and go over an art piece for a tattoo, he is a tattoo artist. The point is I like him and I know the possibilities are slim but it's rare that I find a guy I like or have any interest in. Today the only questions exchanged between us that weren't related to the reason I was there was, "So what do you have planned today?" I don't know how to ask him if he is single or not. I know better to ask him out tho, for one he is my tattoo artist. I'm comfortable around him but nervous. I'd like to get to know him more but I'm afraid we might not have the same interest..he is also 8 years older than me. How's my luck look? Did I mention I am shy..and he seems to be as well. :/
VictorM's advice:
People who deal with the public, like tattoo artist, hairdressers, manicurists, etc. engage their customers in conversation, and "what are your plans for today?" seems like a canned question that he probably asks everyone. So don't make too much of it.
You may or may not have the same interests, but that's what dating is for, to find out if you are compatible.
So... all that's left is, how do ask him what you want to ask? Believe it or not, the best way for a shy person is to be brief and direct. As in... "So, are you married?" Trust me, he will not bite. I guarantee you he will smile and simply answer, yes or no. But either way, you'll know.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
To sazz
Confidential to sazz, 18, from NZ:
*waves to Sarah* You're 18 already!? Wow... time flies. Anyway, nice to know you visited. Make it a habit. :)
*waves to Sarah* You're 18 already!? Wow... time flies. Anyway, nice to know you visited. Make it a habit. :)
Dating for three months
renee, 21, from beaumont asks:
I have been dating this guy for 3 months now. At the beginning, he was friendly, called me a lot told me he loved me and talked on the phone for hours. Now he verbally abuses me, mistreats me, rude, and tells me not to worry about him. Is he not interested in me anymore?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe, but it's not that simple. People who hurt the ones they love are a pretty common profile. It's learned behavior. My guess is he has abusive parents; they take care of him but mistreat him. So, now he's doing the same thing to you.
Maybe after much therapy he can change, but my guess is that he's unlikely to seek such help. And any hope you have that you can "fix" him is pure fantasy. So is any desire you have for things to be like they used to be; it'll never happen.
Don't waste your time on this guy. Who he is now is who he will always be (maybe with physical violence thrown in later).
Don't walk... run away from him!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been dating this guy for 3 months now. At the beginning, he was friendly, called me a lot told me he loved me and talked on the phone for hours. Now he verbally abuses me, mistreats me, rude, and tells me not to worry about him. Is he not interested in me anymore?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe, but it's not that simple. People who hurt the ones they love are a pretty common profile. It's learned behavior. My guess is he has abusive parents; they take care of him but mistreat him. So, now he's doing the same thing to you.
Maybe after much therapy he can change, but my guess is that he's unlikely to seek such help. And any hope you have that you can "fix" him is pure fantasy. So is any desire you have for things to be like they used to be; it'll never happen.
Don't waste your time on this guy. Who he is now is who he will always be (maybe with physical violence thrown in later).
Don't walk... run away from him!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Mother/son set up in adult partnerships
VictorM's note: I received the following excellent email and wanted to share it. Thanks to Susan for writing it and for giving me permission to post it.
I've noticed that most of the gripes from women are because of the resulting pain of being treated like something found on the bottom of their partners shoe. Tops off to you for the dose of reality you offer them. There is another reality though that is rarely talked about and often missed yet which I feel creates much unnecessary turmoil and confusion in relationships...especially in the long term. It's the mother/son set up in adult partnerships.
I'll begin by quoting a posting that was written Saturday, April 29th, 2006 from Anon, age 24, Doncaster who was worried about her boyfriends' reluctance to propose:
" I have been trying to show him that I can be the perfect wife, cooking, cleaning and attending to his every need..." Wow.
This is not a demonstration of wife material, its a demonstration of mommy material...towards a man who is supposed to be her equal partner. Yet she wonders why he's delaying the proposal?
This girl is not ready to get married. Her views about herself, marriage and men are inexperienced and distorted. The fact that she behaves more like a surrogate mother than a woman towards her man is a sign of a union headed for serious problems and most likely increased feelings of bland indifference on his part. Mothering is for boys not for men. Women really need to quit this behavior and develope a little more respect for their selves and their partners. He feels reluctant to get married because quite possibly he feels emasculated...yet may not understand why because he thinks that this is the way a relationship should be. Perhaps he feel increasingly uncomfortable playing the role of cherished son? She however sounds quite eager to play the part of devoted mother.
There is no such thing as the "perfect wife" and if there were it would have nothing to do with cooking, cleaning or attending to his every need. Furthermore if this man expects this type of catering and coddling from the women in his life then he needs a good shake to grow up...and so does she. A little more pride in herself instead of trying to steal it from him would be good...he's not her infant son. She needs to let go of the notion that her strength and security as a woman and as a partner in the relationship is dependant on playing this silly role. It encourages infantile dependecies from her mate and as a result the opportunity for a growth oriented, exciting and authentic partnership is severly compromised.
The other side of the coin, yet equally destructive, is that her behavior is responsive to male-chauvanistic attitudes...it sounds like something right smack out of the 1950's - but that's a whole different can of worms.
It looks to me like she is afraid of her independence and as a reult hides behing the mommy role thinking this will be her safety net within her relationship with a man. But it's not safe...it's crippling...emotionally, mentaly and spiritually for everyone involved. What she is offering him and herself is not real...it's chalk full of pretense. What she is being honest about though is her attachment to outdated and misleading values and ideals adopted from society and possibly her care givers. She hasn't explored who she is yet....and instinctively I think he knows it. He is right to delay the proposal because although he may not conciously understand his foot-dragging, his intuition is working on his behalf.
I've noticed that most of the gripes from women are because of the resulting pain of being treated like something found on the bottom of their partners shoe. Tops off to you for the dose of reality you offer them. There is another reality though that is rarely talked about and often missed yet which I feel creates much unnecessary turmoil and confusion in relationships...especially in the long term. It's the mother/son set up in adult partnerships.
I'll begin by quoting a posting that was written Saturday, April 29th, 2006 from Anon, age 24, Doncaster who was worried about her boyfriends' reluctance to propose:
" I have been trying to show him that I can be the perfect wife, cooking, cleaning and attending to his every need..." Wow.
This is not a demonstration of wife material, its a demonstration of mommy material...towards a man who is supposed to be her equal partner. Yet she wonders why he's delaying the proposal?
This girl is not ready to get married. Her views about herself, marriage and men are inexperienced and distorted. The fact that she behaves more like a surrogate mother than a woman towards her man is a sign of a union headed for serious problems and most likely increased feelings of bland indifference on his part. Mothering is for boys not for men. Women really need to quit this behavior and develope a little more respect for their selves and their partners. He feels reluctant to get married because quite possibly he feels emasculated...yet may not understand why because he thinks that this is the way a relationship should be. Perhaps he feel increasingly uncomfortable playing the role of cherished son? She however sounds quite eager to play the part of devoted mother.
There is no such thing as the "perfect wife" and if there were it would have nothing to do with cooking, cleaning or attending to his every need. Furthermore if this man expects this type of catering and coddling from the women in his life then he needs a good shake to grow up...and so does she. A little more pride in herself instead of trying to steal it from him would be good...he's not her infant son. She needs to let go of the notion that her strength and security as a woman and as a partner in the relationship is dependant on playing this silly role. It encourages infantile dependecies from her mate and as a result the opportunity for a growth oriented, exciting and authentic partnership is severly compromised.
The other side of the coin, yet equally destructive, is that her behavior is responsive to male-chauvanistic attitudes...it sounds like something right smack out of the 1950's - but that's a whole different can of worms.
It looks to me like she is afraid of her independence and as a reult hides behing the mommy role thinking this will be her safety net within her relationship with a man. But it's not safe...it's crippling...emotionally, mentaly and spiritually for everyone involved. What she is offering him and herself is not real...it's chalk full of pretense. What she is being honest about though is her attachment to outdated and misleading values and ideals adopted from society and possibly her care givers. She hasn't explored who she is yet....and instinctively I think he knows it. He is right to delay the proposal because although he may not conciously understand his foot-dragging, his intuition is working on his behalf.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Three years dating
Robyn, 18, from FL asks:
I have been dating the same guy for 3 years now. Since the very beginning we have had trust issues. He wouldn't let me hang out with my girl friends because he thought they would influence me to do something stupid around them since they all hang out with other guys. Therefore I ditched them and only hung out with him and his friends. He gets mad when I go to the gym after work because he thinks I'm cheating on him and I'm really at some guy's house; Also he gets mad if I go to the beach because he thinks other guys are looking at me. He is very controlling and is always accusing me of cheating on him. I have come to think that maybe he is the one cheating on me. The day of our senior prom I found a phone number in his cell and it was under a different name. I called it and a girl answered the phone. I was so mad because I felt he was hiding something from me but he wouldn't admit to anything. All he said was he didn't know how that got in there. Basically I dropped the issue because it wasn't going anywhere. Also we were living together for the past 8 months but I recently moved back home with my parents so I can pay for myself to go to college. When I was living with him I would give all my money to him because he has so many bills and all I have is a gym membership and gas. There was no way that I could save money living there. Also I feel that he takes advantage of me. I would do everything clean the house, laundry, cook, and he would never help out. So I decided to stop and he still wouldn't do anything. Another thing, he always wants to have sex every day and I don't. When I tell him "no" he gets mad and says that I'm cheating on him and I'm getting it from somewhere else. I don't know what to do because I want to leave him but I don't want to make a wrong decision because I do love him. He says that he loves me but he doesn't show it. Every time I am about to leave him he says he can't live without me and he loves me and he will try better. I have given him so many chances and I don't know what to do anymore...
VictorM's advice:
I knew "because I do love him" was coming and it still almost made me puke when I read it! My lord, Robyn, I don't mean to insult you but how in the world can you possibly put up with this pile of dead sewer rat intestines and still say you love him?
Yes, he's cheating on you. Don't act so naive because you know better.
When it comes to this guy you have been making the wrong decision every time. Change that pattern and leave this jerk now! This is not just about the right decision. This is about self-respect! It's about dignity! It's about not wanting to be an unhappy woman! Leave this piece of trash! He'll never, never change!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been dating the same guy for 3 years now. Since the very beginning we have had trust issues. He wouldn't let me hang out with my girl friends because he thought they would influence me to do something stupid around them since they all hang out with other guys. Therefore I ditched them and only hung out with him and his friends. He gets mad when I go to the gym after work because he thinks I'm cheating on him and I'm really at some guy's house; Also he gets mad if I go to the beach because he thinks other guys are looking at me. He is very controlling and is always accusing me of cheating on him. I have come to think that maybe he is the one cheating on me. The day of our senior prom I found a phone number in his cell and it was under a different name. I called it and a girl answered the phone. I was so mad because I felt he was hiding something from me but he wouldn't admit to anything. All he said was he didn't know how that got in there. Basically I dropped the issue because it wasn't going anywhere. Also we were living together for the past 8 months but I recently moved back home with my parents so I can pay for myself to go to college. When I was living with him I would give all my money to him because he has so many bills and all I have is a gym membership and gas. There was no way that I could save money living there. Also I feel that he takes advantage of me. I would do everything clean the house, laundry, cook, and he would never help out. So I decided to stop and he still wouldn't do anything. Another thing, he always wants to have sex every day and I don't. When I tell him "no" he gets mad and says that I'm cheating on him and I'm getting it from somewhere else. I don't know what to do because I want to leave him but I don't want to make a wrong decision because I do love him. He says that he loves me but he doesn't show it. Every time I am about to leave him he says he can't live without me and he loves me and he will try better. I have given him so many chances and I don't know what to do anymore...
VictorM's advice:
I knew "because I do love him" was coming and it still almost made me puke when I read it! My lord, Robyn, I don't mean to insult you but how in the world can you possibly put up with this pile of dead sewer rat intestines and still say you love him?
Yes, he's cheating on you. Don't act so naive because you know better.
When it comes to this guy you have been making the wrong decision every time. Change that pattern and leave this jerk now! This is not just about the right decision. This is about self-respect! It's about dignity! It's about not wanting to be an unhappy woman! Leave this piece of trash! He'll never, never change!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Interested in a co-worker
Nicole, 19, from Florida asks:
I was really interested in a co-worker of mine, and he seemed to show similar interest in me, but with me starting college in the fall and him out of college and moving two hours away, did not want to start a relationship. We texted about twice a week, but I stopped because I felt he had a lack of interest. It's been one week and he texted me saying that he is thinking about me, a text that he has sent before. I can't tell if he is really interested in me or if he is just saying it. I know from talking to him he's the type of guy that if he doesn't have feelings for someone he doesn't put effort into a relationship, and that he is very picky about girls. I don't know what to do or say, especially because our lives are heading into different places, but I can't seem to get past the connection that we have together, which he also admitted.
VictorM's advice:
"He's the type of guy that if he doesn't have feelings for someone he doesn't put effort into a relationship". Text messaging you isn't putting effort into anything. By your own words, he really has no feelings for you.
Stop living in dream land and put your effort into someone in the different place you're headed to.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was really interested in a co-worker of mine, and he seemed to show similar interest in me, but with me starting college in the fall and him out of college and moving two hours away, did not want to start a relationship. We texted about twice a week, but I stopped because I felt he had a lack of interest. It's been one week and he texted me saying that he is thinking about me, a text that he has sent before. I can't tell if he is really interested in me or if he is just saying it. I know from talking to him he's the type of guy that if he doesn't have feelings for someone he doesn't put effort into a relationship, and that he is very picky about girls. I don't know what to do or say, especially because our lives are heading into different places, but I can't seem to get past the connection that we have together, which he also admitted.
VictorM's advice:
"He's the type of guy that if he doesn't have feelings for someone he doesn't put effort into a relationship". Text messaging you isn't putting effort into anything. By your own words, he really has no feelings for you.
Stop living in dream land and put your effort into someone in the different place you're headed to.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Slump
Gen, 26, from Tucson asks:
Is he in a slump or is he a guy I should dump? Did I marry the wrong guy? I have been married for less than a year and I am feeling that this is not going to work. It's like I married a 26 year old teenager. He goes to work everyday (makes $9.00 per hour) but when he gets home all he wants to do is play games or watch movies. I want to plan a life with him but he does not seem to care. He is so laid back that if the world would blow up he would not care and if it did it would be my fault. It takes him weeks to take out the trash or do any chore and he always says I'll get to it. I can't take it anymore. He won't take on any adult responsibilities and I seem to be the only one who cares. I am going to go back to college in the fall and build a successful life. All he wants is video games. Is he in a slump or is he a guy I should dump?
VictorM's advice:
You married him; you must have seen some good qualities about him. So maybe he's not perfect, but it's time to start focusing on the things you liked about him and to emphasize them now more than ever before.
I'm a firm believer that when someone is struggling with some issues, hammering them over those issues is not a good idea. What they need more than anything are words of encouragement and reminders about the good qualities they have. If they feel like nothing they do is right, they won't even try. Maybe that's where he is now. Planning your life is a good idea, but maybe he's not ready for that yet; give him time to grow-up (guys do that at a slower pace than girls).
Treat him like the person you want him to be, not as the person he is now. Helping each other through rough times is part of being married. Stick in there and work on it during this "for better or for worse" period.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Is he in a slump or is he a guy I should dump? Did I marry the wrong guy? I have been married for less than a year and I am feeling that this is not going to work. It's like I married a 26 year old teenager. He goes to work everyday (makes $9.00 per hour) but when he gets home all he wants to do is play games or watch movies. I want to plan a life with him but he does not seem to care. He is so laid back that if the world would blow up he would not care and if it did it would be my fault. It takes him weeks to take out the trash or do any chore and he always says I'll get to it. I can't take it anymore. He won't take on any adult responsibilities and I seem to be the only one who cares. I am going to go back to college in the fall and build a successful life. All he wants is video games. Is he in a slump or is he a guy I should dump?
VictorM's advice:
You married him; you must have seen some good qualities about him. So maybe he's not perfect, but it's time to start focusing on the things you liked about him and to emphasize them now more than ever before.
I'm a firm believer that when someone is struggling with some issues, hammering them over those issues is not a good idea. What they need more than anything are words of encouragement and reminders about the good qualities they have. If they feel like nothing they do is right, they won't even try. Maybe that's where he is now. Planning your life is a good idea, but maybe he's not ready for that yet; give him time to grow-up (guys do that at a slower pace than girls).
Treat him like the person you want him to be, not as the person he is now. Helping each other through rough times is part of being married. Stick in there and work on it during this "for better or for worse" period.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm his first girlfriend
Juanita, 24, from: South Africa asks:
My boyfriend(28) and I are together a year and 3 months. I'm his first girlfriend..we were outgoing and very spontaneous-we hardly go out anymore. We fight almost every day! It's getting to a point of extreme frustration! We both are trying, but obviously not hard enough. I can't understand why he's changed so much... he rarely compliments me, and hardly spends quality time with me like we used to. He's also very shy about talking about his feelings for me. Advice please!
VictorM's advice:
Why would he want to spent time with you if you two fight almost everyday? I wouldn't want to. I'd want to stay away too.
Well, if you're a typical couple, this is what's going on: he's getting lazier and taking you for granted; you want the same level of passion as the first few weeks -- it can't be! So you're both heading nowhere.
But I know the cure, because it's almost always the same: STOP NAGGING HIM! Don't ask him to talk about his feelings (he will when he's good and ready), don't tell him how good things used to be but now aren't (making it sound like it's all his fault), don't expect compliments (that's the best way for them to resume).
Make him work for your attention or nothing will change. He's not spontaneous, so you be it. He doesn't want to participate? Go with your friends. The more you hover over him, the lazier he'll get.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend(28) and I are together a year and 3 months. I'm his first girlfriend..we were outgoing and very spontaneous-we hardly go out anymore. We fight almost every day! It's getting to a point of extreme frustration! We both are trying, but obviously not hard enough. I can't understand why he's changed so much... he rarely compliments me, and hardly spends quality time with me like we used to. He's also very shy about talking about his feelings for me. Advice please!
VictorM's advice:
Why would he want to spent time with you if you two fight almost everyday? I wouldn't want to. I'd want to stay away too.
Well, if you're a typical couple, this is what's going on: he's getting lazier and taking you for granted; you want the same level of passion as the first few weeks -- it can't be! So you're both heading nowhere.
But I know the cure, because it's almost always the same: STOP NAGGING HIM! Don't ask him to talk about his feelings (he will when he's good and ready), don't tell him how good things used to be but now aren't (making it sound like it's all his fault), don't expect compliments (that's the best way for them to resume).
Make him work for your attention or nothing will change. He's not spontaneous, so you be it. He doesn't want to participate? Go with your friends. The more you hover over him, the lazier he'll get.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Shy and smart
Chloe, 24, from Midwest asks:
I have been friends with this guy for almost 3 years. He is extremely shy and incredibly smart, has never had a gf, and I am about the only girl he talks to. We get along well, and whenever we hang out, he's at my place until 4 or 5 a.m., just the two of us. I decided to tell him that I was interested in him as more than a friend at the end of final exams. We didn't talk for a month, and then I invited him over. We would hang out regularly, but nothing was said about what I had told him. So I asked him on AIM what he thought of it, and he said that he was interested, but "I don't know". Talked to him in person: he says that he likes me, is interested, but then contradicts things. He had been giving definite signals of interest. I sent him an email asking for clarification, letting him know exactly how I feel. Again, mixed messages: attracted, not attracted; he liked me before I told him, not sure it would work, etc. So I drop it, and invite him over a week later. He comes over, it was like nothing had happened, but still acts interested. I really like him, but I'm confused: why act one way and say something else? Is he interested/does he like me or not? Why the mixed signals? Why would you push someone away with a letter, but then flirt with them? Is this a result of inexperience with girls, and not being sure of what to do? Thanks for any advice you can give.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's afraid of intimacy but likes you. I suggest this: next time he's over your house, jump him, remove all his clothes and have your way with him.
OK, maybe not. :-p But I think you need to talk less and get more physically aggressive... hold hands, kiss him, etc. And start acting more like his girlfriend than a friend. He'll either go along or stay away. Either way, you'll know where you stand.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been friends with this guy for almost 3 years. He is extremely shy and incredibly smart, has never had a gf, and I am about the only girl he talks to. We get along well, and whenever we hang out, he's at my place until 4 or 5 a.m., just the two of us. I decided to tell him that I was interested in him as more than a friend at the end of final exams. We didn't talk for a month, and then I invited him over. We would hang out regularly, but nothing was said about what I had told him. So I asked him on AIM what he thought of it, and he said that he was interested, but "I don't know". Talked to him in person: he says that he likes me, is interested, but then contradicts things. He had been giving definite signals of interest. I sent him an email asking for clarification, letting him know exactly how I feel. Again, mixed messages: attracted, not attracted; he liked me before I told him, not sure it would work, etc. So I drop it, and invite him over a week later. He comes over, it was like nothing had happened, but still acts interested. I really like him, but I'm confused: why act one way and say something else? Is he interested/does he like me or not? Why the mixed signals? Why would you push someone away with a letter, but then flirt with them? Is this a result of inexperience with girls, and not being sure of what to do? Thanks for any advice you can give.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he's afraid of intimacy but likes you. I suggest this: next time he's over your house, jump him, remove all his clothes and have your way with him.
OK, maybe not. :-p But I think you need to talk less and get more physically aggressive... hold hands, kiss him, etc. And start acting more like his girlfriend than a friend. He'll either go along or stay away. Either way, you'll know where you stand.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Space
Sara, 25, from Houston asks:
What does it really mean when a guy says he needs space?
VictorM's advice:
It means he's had enough of you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What does it really mean when a guy says he needs space?
VictorM's advice:
It means he's had enough of you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He hasn't popped the question
Samantha, 25, from Durban - South Africa asks:
I have been dating this guy for 11 years now and we have been living together for over 2 years and yet he hasn't popped the question though we have talked about getting married he says he won't marry me now as I am too fat and he is not attracted to me at this stage ... I weigh 64kg's and used to weigh 50kg's, so yes I know I have gained weight since school but what I would like to know is, is this classed as a valid reason from a guys point of view for not wanting to get married?
VictorM's advice:
You're darn tootin' it is. And I commend him for being honest. Oh yes, I know, we'll get quite a few people replying up in arms about my answer, saying that he's superficial, and a loser, blah blah, blah... but that's nonsense. Any individual decides what are and what aren't valid reasons for being with someone. He's stated his. Fair enough. You can clearly say he can go take a hike if weight is so important. That's equally fair.
If you're so keen on getting married with him, you know what you have to do -- lose weight!
*For the metric-challenged, 64Kg is 141 pounds, and 50Kg is 110 pounds.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been dating this guy for 11 years now and we have been living together for over 2 years and yet he hasn't popped the question though we have talked about getting married he says he won't marry me now as I am too fat and he is not attracted to me at this stage ... I weigh 64kg's and used to weigh 50kg's, so yes I know I have gained weight since school but what I would like to know is, is this classed as a valid reason from a guys point of view for not wanting to get married?
VictorM's advice:
You're darn tootin' it is. And I commend him for being honest. Oh yes, I know, we'll get quite a few people replying up in arms about my answer, saying that he's superficial, and a loser, blah blah, blah... but that's nonsense. Any individual decides what are and what aren't valid reasons for being with someone. He's stated his. Fair enough. You can clearly say he can go take a hike if weight is so important. That's equally fair.
If you're so keen on getting married with him, you know what you have to do -- lose weight!
*For the metric-challenged, 64Kg is 141 pounds, and 50Kg is 110 pounds.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
A job in Georgia
Melissa, 27, from Minnesota asks:
About 3 months ago my husband took a job in Georgia. My kids and I are still in Minnesota and moving in 2 weeks. My husband has a department secretary he has become very close to. She is married, however my husband made mention to me one day she does not wear a wedding ring so if I meet her not to be surprised. Her and her husband spend quite a bit of time with my husband. They invite him to concerts, dinners, bbq's and outings. It's not uncommon for them to come to his apartment and watch movies with him, or just sit and have drinks. This happens once or twice a week. The woman sometimes calls my husband just to say hello on weekends or in the evenings. At first I thought it was more of a motherly thing because he told me she was an older woman. I've now come to find out they are the same age. Last weekend I asked for their phone number because I just felt something wasn't right. After the 3rd time I asked for their number he gave it to me. He said he didn't have their home number only her cell phone number. Then he called her to give her the heads up that I might be calling. I never did call, but I'm wondering, am I out of my mind here? Is it odd for a married couple to be this close to my husband? Why would a married woman think it was okay to call a married man just to chat and see how he was doing? At first I thought maybe it was just her coming over, but when I call and he says they are over he always tells me he loves me before he hangs up. Maybe it's a different mentality in the south, but I know in Minnesota that just wouldn't fly. Now I have the dilemma of moving into a state when I don't know anybody and the only thing his co-workers know about me is this stuff. I feel like I'm walking into a hornets nest. I just need to know if I'm completely off base here. Any advice you have would be great!Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Boy, I've heard of southern hospitality, but this is too much. Something seems rotten in Georgia, and your husband isn't making things easy on you. It's possible that this couple is lonely and found someone to latch on to. Some people are like that. They become so friendly, and at first it all seems great, and then they get so clingy they suck the energy out of the friendships. And then they move on to the next sucker. Your husband is alone and the company sounds good for now. However, this story about the wedding ring, her age, etc. does sound kinda fishy. But it's also true most guys can't tell a woman's age.
You have two options, as I see it: 1) You can assume there's something rotten and cause a problem, maybe only to find out that maybe your husband is more of a victim than a culprit. In this case, undoing the problem you caused would be hard. 2) You can assume your husband is the victim of overly friendly people and wait to obtain first hand information once you get there.
I would suggest option 2 because if there's something wrong you'll find out once you get there. There's no point in assuming it and starting off on the wrong foot. I'm sure that as soon as you set eyes on your husband and on this woman you'll know exactly what's going on -- women always seem to know these things.
Who knows, maybe they really are just overly friendly people. I know, that's so foreign for someone from Minnesota. :-p
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
About 3 months ago my husband took a job in Georgia. My kids and I are still in Minnesota and moving in 2 weeks. My husband has a department secretary he has become very close to. She is married, however my husband made mention to me one day she does not wear a wedding ring so if I meet her not to be surprised. Her and her husband spend quite a bit of time with my husband. They invite him to concerts, dinners, bbq's and outings. It's not uncommon for them to come to his apartment and watch movies with him, or just sit and have drinks. This happens once or twice a week. The woman sometimes calls my husband just to say hello on weekends or in the evenings. At first I thought it was more of a motherly thing because he told me she was an older woman. I've now come to find out they are the same age. Last weekend I asked for their phone number because I just felt something wasn't right. After the 3rd time I asked for their number he gave it to me. He said he didn't have their home number only her cell phone number. Then he called her to give her the heads up that I might be calling. I never did call, but I'm wondering, am I out of my mind here? Is it odd for a married couple to be this close to my husband? Why would a married woman think it was okay to call a married man just to chat and see how he was doing? At first I thought maybe it was just her coming over, but when I call and he says they are over he always tells me he loves me before he hangs up. Maybe it's a different mentality in the south, but I know in Minnesota that just wouldn't fly. Now I have the dilemma of moving into a state when I don't know anybody and the only thing his co-workers know about me is this stuff. I feel like I'm walking into a hornets nest. I just need to know if I'm completely off base here. Any advice you have would be great!Thanks!
VictorM's advice:
Boy, I've heard of southern hospitality, but this is too much. Something seems rotten in Georgia, and your husband isn't making things easy on you. It's possible that this couple is lonely and found someone to latch on to. Some people are like that. They become so friendly, and at first it all seems great, and then they get so clingy they suck the energy out of the friendships. And then they move on to the next sucker. Your husband is alone and the company sounds good for now. However, this story about the wedding ring, her age, etc. does sound kinda fishy. But it's also true most guys can't tell a woman's age.
You have two options, as I see it: 1) You can assume there's something rotten and cause a problem, maybe only to find out that maybe your husband is more of a victim than a culprit. In this case, undoing the problem you caused would be hard. 2) You can assume your husband is the victim of overly friendly people and wait to obtain first hand information once you get there.
I would suggest option 2 because if there's something wrong you'll find out once you get there. There's no point in assuming it and starting off on the wrong foot. I'm sure that as soon as you set eyes on your husband and on this woman you'll know exactly what's going on -- women always seem to know these things.
Who knows, maybe they really are just overly friendly people. I know, that's so foreign for someone from Minnesota. :-p
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
He's everything I want
Mary, 21, from Virginia asks:
I've been dating this guy for 8 months. He's everything I want. We're long distance. Naturally I understand that sex drive goes down after a while, but it went completely non - existent. I confronted him. As the conversation went on he said that he wasn't "as attracted" to me anymore. We kept discussing over a few days to come to a rational and logical solution. During those days it seemed as if he were bi-polar. It went to from all kinds of flavors of "I want to get to know you more intimately" to " I don't know what I want" and expressions of how 60 miles between us sucks to possibly hinting moving closer to each other. When I asked if he still loved me he says "I don't know" and "I'm not going anywhere". The next day I tell him that I can't share my body with him anymore because I feel differently for him, and I refuse to be a fool. (i.e. relationship is over). I tell him I love him and hang up. 45 mins later he calls and says he loves me. I'm dumbfounded and I ask him why, and he says "he had the willies, 8 months is a long time" and "you can love many people in a lifetime but the choice to make a commitment is different". I see him later (he came to visit me) that weekend and I ask him once more and he says "I thought about my life without you." My questions to you: What's up with this dude? I never hinted on commitment at all. Am I justified to feel guarded when I am around him? Should I just let it go?
VictorM's advice:
He says he's not "as attracted" to you anymore and he doesn't know if he loves you. Should you be guarded around him? If a girl told me she wasn't as attracted to me and didn't know if she loved me, I wouldn't be guarded around her because... I wouldn't be around her! Relationships are hard when both people are into each other; they are much harder when either party wavers, specially after 8 months.
You did hint at commitment. The moment you said you wouldn't share your body with him, you demanded commitment in return (from a guy's point of view). Not that I blame you. I think you did the right thing.
He's conflicted between a life without you and settling for you. Do you want to be someone that a guy settles for? But after saying he's everything you want in a guy (and maybe that was true for the first 8 months) you list several reasons why that ought not be true. Maybe you are also settling now.
In the movie Sleepless in Seattle, Walter lets Annie go, saying to her: "I don't want to be a guy that a girl settles for". He did the right thing, even if he loved her.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been dating this guy for 8 months. He's everything I want. We're long distance. Naturally I understand that sex drive goes down after a while, but it went completely non - existent. I confronted him. As the conversation went on he said that he wasn't "as attracted" to me anymore. We kept discussing over a few days to come to a rational and logical solution. During those days it seemed as if he were bi-polar. It went to from all kinds of flavors of "I want to get to know you more intimately" to " I don't know what I want" and expressions of how 60 miles between us sucks to possibly hinting moving closer to each other. When I asked if he still loved me he says "I don't know" and "I'm not going anywhere". The next day I tell him that I can't share my body with him anymore because I feel differently for him, and I refuse to be a fool. (i.e. relationship is over). I tell him I love him and hang up. 45 mins later he calls and says he loves me. I'm dumbfounded and I ask him why, and he says "he had the willies, 8 months is a long time" and "you can love many people in a lifetime but the choice to make a commitment is different". I see him later (he came to visit me) that weekend and I ask him once more and he says "I thought about my life without you." My questions to you: What's up with this dude? I never hinted on commitment at all. Am I justified to feel guarded when I am around him? Should I just let it go?
VictorM's advice:
He says he's not "as attracted" to you anymore and he doesn't know if he loves you. Should you be guarded around him? If a girl told me she wasn't as attracted to me and didn't know if she loved me, I wouldn't be guarded around her because... I wouldn't be around her! Relationships are hard when both people are into each other; they are much harder when either party wavers, specially after 8 months.
You did hint at commitment. The moment you said you wouldn't share your body with him, you demanded commitment in return (from a guy's point of view). Not that I blame you. I think you did the right thing.
He's conflicted between a life without you and settling for you. Do you want to be someone that a guy settles for? But after saying he's everything you want in a guy (and maybe that was true for the first 8 months) you list several reasons why that ought not be true. Maybe you are also settling now.
In the movie Sleepless in Seattle, Walter lets Annie go, saying to her: "I don't want to be a guy that a girl settles for". He did the right thing, even if he loved her.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He has an ex wife and 2 children
Kimberly, 26, from Memphis asks:
I am with a man who has an ex wife and two children. He and I lived together for a year and he decided for the kids he would move back home. I accepted that but it seems that for the past month or so he is coming around and telling me that even though his decision to stay was made he can't live without me and we have been intimate. I am completely in love with him and want him to be with me. What can I do? Am I being used?
VictorM's advice:
Used? I don't think so. He was clear about his intentions and you're a willing participant. That's not being used. You're just the victim of circumstances.
The moment he decided to go back, you took a back seat in his life. That you're allowing him to visit it in the back once in a while for some intimacy, is your decision. He says he can't live without you, but of course, that's not true -- he can! And when he decided to go back I'm sure he considered that. But, of course, you're making it easy for him to get the best of both worlds.
I don't know how old his kids are, but are you waiting to be a back seat play thing until they are adults? Are you willing to put your life on the back-burner while he's minding his? Do you really think he went back just for the kids? Maybe he did, but there are many ways of taking care of the kids' needs without living with them.
Face the brutal truth: you don't rate as high in his life as he rates in yours. And I doubt very much that he's in love with you. You want him to be with you, but he won't. Cease the intimacy and I'll bet you a bottle of fine Port, he'll cease coming around.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am with a man who has an ex wife and two children. He and I lived together for a year and he decided for the kids he would move back home. I accepted that but it seems that for the past month or so he is coming around and telling me that even though his decision to stay was made he can't live without me and we have been intimate. I am completely in love with him and want him to be with me. What can I do? Am I being used?
VictorM's advice:
Used? I don't think so. He was clear about his intentions and you're a willing participant. That's not being used. You're just the victim of circumstances.
The moment he decided to go back, you took a back seat in his life. That you're allowing him to visit it in the back once in a while for some intimacy, is your decision. He says he can't live without you, but of course, that's not true -- he can! And when he decided to go back I'm sure he considered that. But, of course, you're making it easy for him to get the best of both worlds.
I don't know how old his kids are, but are you waiting to be a back seat play thing until they are adults? Are you willing to put your life on the back-burner while he's minding his? Do you really think he went back just for the kids? Maybe he did, but there are many ways of taking care of the kids' needs without living with them.
Face the brutal truth: you don't rate as high in his life as he rates in yours. And I doubt very much that he's in love with you. You want him to be with you, but he won't. Cease the intimacy and I'll bet you a bottle of fine Port, he'll cease coming around.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
He makes me laugh
Sara, 39, from New York asks:
I met a man over 8 years ago and worked for him for a year, he kept in touch with me and whenever he travels he makes sure that I know where he is, we became really close, we tell each other mostly everything. We had physical attractions from the first time we met, we are both affectionate, and when we spend time together time passes so fast, we have fun laughing and talking about different type of topics. He makes me laugh.
Once he took for dinner on Valentine’s Day, but he never said anything, and whenever we talk about relationships, he would say that relationship is good without commitment or attachment. We got intimate three times. He left to work overseas and he kept in touch with me. When he came back two years ago in the summer, he told me that he would like to spend more time with me. Truly, I felt he is just a player. When I asked him about it, he said I like you and I am attracted to you, then he left the city back to his work.
One year passed, he called me this summer asking if he can stay with me because he would like to spend some time together. I refused because of the commitment issue and because I am looking for a long term relationship, and I cannot be with someone who spend one month with me and then disappear for a year and comes back saying he misses me. I told him we can be friends. He said he likes me and cares about me BUT his life is crazy because of his work. Now he is very upset with me, because he said he made an attempt to spend time with me and I am not interested. I do like him and care about him, I want to spend some time with him, but I am not willing to have this type of relationship. I do not think that he is in love with me, even though every time we talk, he says he misses me.
What shall I do? Forget about the commitment and have fun with him this summer or stick with what I believe in, I am afraid if I got intimate with him this summer I would get attached to him or fall in love with him and my feelings get hurt when he leaves. Did I do the right thing when I refuse to let him stay at my place?
VictorM's advice:
Sara, you get a gold star. Actually, make that two stars! Yes, you did the right thing. Clearly, the man likes you... in small dosages. And it probably will never change. You're better off putting some distance between you two and spending your dating energies on someone else.
Let him be mad at you; he's just confirming his selfishness and proving that there are qualities about him that aren't worth your time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I met a man over 8 years ago and worked for him for a year, he kept in touch with me and whenever he travels he makes sure that I know where he is, we became really close, we tell each other mostly everything. We had physical attractions from the first time we met, we are both affectionate, and when we spend time together time passes so fast, we have fun laughing and talking about different type of topics. He makes me laugh.
Once he took for dinner on Valentine’s Day, but he never said anything, and whenever we talk about relationships, he would say that relationship is good without commitment or attachment. We got intimate three times. He left to work overseas and he kept in touch with me. When he came back two years ago in the summer, he told me that he would like to spend more time with me. Truly, I felt he is just a player. When I asked him about it, he said I like you and I am attracted to you, then he left the city back to his work.
One year passed, he called me this summer asking if he can stay with me because he would like to spend some time together. I refused because of the commitment issue and because I am looking for a long term relationship, and I cannot be with someone who spend one month with me and then disappear for a year and comes back saying he misses me. I told him we can be friends. He said he likes me and cares about me BUT his life is crazy because of his work. Now he is very upset with me, because he said he made an attempt to spend time with me and I am not interested. I do like him and care about him, I want to spend some time with him, but I am not willing to have this type of relationship. I do not think that he is in love with me, even though every time we talk, he says he misses me.
What shall I do? Forget about the commitment and have fun with him this summer or stick with what I believe in, I am afraid if I got intimate with him this summer I would get attached to him or fall in love with him and my feelings get hurt when he leaves. Did I do the right thing when I refuse to let him stay at my place?
VictorM's advice:
Sara, you get a gold star. Actually, make that two stars! Yes, you did the right thing. Clearly, the man likes you... in small dosages. And it probably will never change. You're better off putting some distance between you two and spending your dating energies on someone else.
Let him be mad at you; he's just confirming his selfishness and proving that there are qualities about him that aren't worth your time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Booty call girl
Katie, 19, from NY asks:
How hard is it to turn a booty-call into a real relationship? The whole year at college I have been hooking up with this guy. And yes, I ended up falling for him and breaking the number one rule of the "friends with benefits" situation. At the time we started hooking up though, neither of us wanted a relationship. I eventually kept hooking up with him because I liked him, and I like to think he liked me (for other reasons besides the sex) too. However, I also know that he knew he could get action from me when he wanted it...Not a good thing, I realize that. The thing that made me really fall for him and want more, is the fact that we got along so well and had a lot of interesting conversations. So it's not like we don't have fun doing other things too. It is now summer break (we go to college together, but live far away) so I see this as the perfect opportunity for me to sort things out. I have been purposely laying low, doing my own thing and not really talking to him, because I want a completely fresh start when the school year comes around. I don't want to be a booty-call/friends with benefits anymore. Now I just need a real guy's advice on whether I should just forget about him and move on, or if it's possible for me to use this fresh start to change my ways and possibly get what I want? I don't want to hurt myself even further but I think if I don't take this chance I might be passing something good up! Anyways, I just need some advice and guidance on what to do in this situation...Any input is wonderful!
VictorM's advice:
The biggest problem you face is dealing with the perception that you're an easy lay. If you're friends with benefits with him, he's quite likely to believe you're that way with the whole football team, or at least other male friends. So even if he likes you for more than just sex, he's likely to consider you a great risk.
I don't know if you can salvage it with him, but you start by ending the friends with benefits deal. Make it clear to him that you only did this with him because you really like him, and the further it went on, the more your feelings for him grew. You have to change the topic from one of just sex to one of feelings. Above all, he must be left with the impression that you did what you did because he's special and UNIQUE! Then, I'd suggest you end the relationship with him and walk away.
If you changed his perception, he'll pursuing you for something other than sex. Otherwise, you might as well find another guy to have good conversations and start something new, on more solid ground.
One word of caution: if the sex was really good, he'll say anything to get you back in bed. Resist it!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How hard is it to turn a booty-call into a real relationship? The whole year at college I have been hooking up with this guy. And yes, I ended up falling for him and breaking the number one rule of the "friends with benefits" situation. At the time we started hooking up though, neither of us wanted a relationship. I eventually kept hooking up with him because I liked him, and I like to think he liked me (for other reasons besides the sex) too. However, I also know that he knew he could get action from me when he wanted it...Not a good thing, I realize that. The thing that made me really fall for him and want more, is the fact that we got along so well and had a lot of interesting conversations. So it's not like we don't have fun doing other things too. It is now summer break (we go to college together, but live far away) so I see this as the perfect opportunity for me to sort things out. I have been purposely laying low, doing my own thing and not really talking to him, because I want a completely fresh start when the school year comes around. I don't want to be a booty-call/friends with benefits anymore. Now I just need a real guy's advice on whether I should just forget about him and move on, or if it's possible for me to use this fresh start to change my ways and possibly get what I want? I don't want to hurt myself even further but I think if I don't take this chance I might be passing something good up! Anyways, I just need some advice and guidance on what to do in this situation...Any input is wonderful!
VictorM's advice:
The biggest problem you face is dealing with the perception that you're an easy lay. If you're friends with benefits with him, he's quite likely to believe you're that way with the whole football team, or at least other male friends. So even if he likes you for more than just sex, he's likely to consider you a great risk.
I don't know if you can salvage it with him, but you start by ending the friends with benefits deal. Make it clear to him that you only did this with him because you really like him, and the further it went on, the more your feelings for him grew. You have to change the topic from one of just sex to one of feelings. Above all, he must be left with the impression that you did what you did because he's special and UNIQUE! Then, I'd suggest you end the relationship with him and walk away.
If you changed his perception, he'll pursuing you for something other than sex. Otherwise, you might as well find another guy to have good conversations and start something new, on more solid ground.
One word of caution: if the sex was really good, he'll say anything to get you back in bed. Resist it!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, July 10, 2006
Cheap boyfriend
Caroline, 17, from Miami, Florida asks:
I have been with my boyfriend since mid June of last year. We have broken up twice and this is the third time we are together. (Third time's the charm right?) We've been together straight through 8 months. He always says he wants a relationship and he says all of the things that come with it. When we are together he is usually very compassionate.
On my last birthday, he got me a necklace and a bouquet of flowers. The flowers were rather showy and the necklace wasn't very expensive but it was nice and he wrote a nice card to me. On his next trip, he got me another necklace, it was at Disney world therefore it was a mickey mouse necklace. Not as nice but quite thoughtful of him to get it for me.
So here comes the stupid part. My birthday just passed recently. He bragged about how great his gifts were and in the end, one was a chocolate frog (yes a chocolate frog from the Harry Potter thing, in a plastic wrapper. max amount is like 50 cents) and he got me earrings. These earrings were very cheap. They were made of aqua glass and you could see the glue on them. He didn't even give me a card.
I think it's weird that his gifts keep depreciating in value, both monetary and emotional. I don't want things that are expensive, I would rather have had a nice card for my birthday, even with just an I love you and a signature, heck even just a signature, than a cheap chocolate wrapped in plastic and earrings I could make with stuff I found under the couch. I also happen to know they were probably last minute, as he went to England for two weeks, and probably bought both of those things at the UK airport.
He also took me out to dinner and a movie but the thing is that we RARELY go out on dates. It's complicated to get together sometimes and he said he figured he'd take me out because we hadn't been out in so long. I'd say the last time we went out was during the Jurassic period. I don't think going out on a date because we haven't in a while should be considered a birthday gift. Dates are not supposed to be gifts. I don't count this dinner and a movie thing as part of my birthday gift, it wasn't expensive, since the dinner cost 15 dollars and the movie was free for students, and because it would have just been a regular date. He didn't specify it as a birthday present.
Another problem I'm having is that he's making me feel like a slut. He runs over to my house, he runs cross country and track, and he comes over a lot. Usually I pleasure him and he sort of pleasures me, but he never gets around to actually pleasuring me. The last time he came over, I gave him a blowjob, and I made him come twice. As soon as he was done though, he sat there for a minute or so and then pulled up his pants and said he had to leave. He had only been at my house for like 15 minutes.
Usually, when he leaves, he'll stop at the back of my house and we'll say good bye a second time. It's a silly little ritual. This time when I got there he was already turning the corner down the street.
I'm just wondering what this all means and what I should do. My girlfriends say to tell him all of this stuff that I am feeling, but I know that usually girlfriends can't give the right type of advice. I'm sorry it's so long and I really hope you can help me. I'm tired of feeling so miserable.
VictorM's advice:
You broke up twice already, he's cheap and thoughtless, sexually he's selfish and inconsiderate, you don't go out on dates, but... let me guess: you don't want to break-up with him because you love him. Am I right?
99.9999999% of the times girlfriends advice about a boyfriend is wrong; this is the exception. I think you should tell him virtually everything you wrote to me, the only thing I would suggest is make sure that everything you say is in first person. Always refer to how you feel about what he does. For example, say "I feel ignored", not "you ignore me". Get it?
But that aside, you seem like such a thoughtful, articulate, caring girl with a good sense of humor, don't you think you can do better? Because three times in relationships is not a charm; three times is settling for mediocrity!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been with my boyfriend since mid June of last year. We have broken up twice and this is the third time we are together. (Third time's the charm right?) We've been together straight through 8 months. He always says he wants a relationship and he says all of the things that come with it. When we are together he is usually very compassionate.
On my last birthday, he got me a necklace and a bouquet of flowers. The flowers were rather showy and the necklace wasn't very expensive but it was nice and he wrote a nice card to me. On his next trip, he got me another necklace, it was at Disney world therefore it was a mickey mouse necklace. Not as nice but quite thoughtful of him to get it for me.
So here comes the stupid part. My birthday just passed recently. He bragged about how great his gifts were and in the end, one was a chocolate frog (yes a chocolate frog from the Harry Potter thing, in a plastic wrapper. max amount is like 50 cents) and he got me earrings. These earrings were very cheap. They were made of aqua glass and you could see the glue on them. He didn't even give me a card.
I think it's weird that his gifts keep depreciating in value, both monetary and emotional. I don't want things that are expensive, I would rather have had a nice card for my birthday, even with just an I love you and a signature, heck even just a signature, than a cheap chocolate wrapped in plastic and earrings I could make with stuff I found under the couch. I also happen to know they were probably last minute, as he went to England for two weeks, and probably bought both of those things at the UK airport.
He also took me out to dinner and a movie but the thing is that we RARELY go out on dates. It's complicated to get together sometimes and he said he figured he'd take me out because we hadn't been out in so long. I'd say the last time we went out was during the Jurassic period. I don't think going out on a date because we haven't in a while should be considered a birthday gift. Dates are not supposed to be gifts. I don't count this dinner and a movie thing as part of my birthday gift, it wasn't expensive, since the dinner cost 15 dollars and the movie was free for students, and because it would have just been a regular date. He didn't specify it as a birthday present.
Another problem I'm having is that he's making me feel like a slut. He runs over to my house, he runs cross country and track, and he comes over a lot. Usually I pleasure him and he sort of pleasures me, but he never gets around to actually pleasuring me. The last time he came over, I gave him a blowjob, and I made him come twice. As soon as he was done though, he sat there for a minute or so and then pulled up his pants and said he had to leave. He had only been at my house for like 15 minutes.
Usually, when he leaves, he'll stop at the back of my house and we'll say good bye a second time. It's a silly little ritual. This time when I got there he was already turning the corner down the street.
I'm just wondering what this all means and what I should do. My girlfriends say to tell him all of this stuff that I am feeling, but I know that usually girlfriends can't give the right type of advice. I'm sorry it's so long and I really hope you can help me. I'm tired of feeling so miserable.
VictorM's advice:
You broke up twice already, he's cheap and thoughtless, sexually he's selfish and inconsiderate, you don't go out on dates, but... let me guess: you don't want to break-up with him because you love him. Am I right?
99.9999999% of the times girlfriends advice about a boyfriend is wrong; this is the exception. I think you should tell him virtually everything you wrote to me, the only thing I would suggest is make sure that everything you say is in first person. Always refer to how you feel about what he does. For example, say "I feel ignored", not "you ignore me". Get it?
But that aside, you seem like such a thoughtful, articulate, caring girl with a good sense of humor, don't you think you can do better? Because three times in relationships is not a charm; three times is settling for mediocrity!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Have liked him for ages
Kate, 17, asks:
Hi, I have liked this guy for ages and we got on really well at a party. I think he has liked me for a while as he was always giving my eye contact and smiling etc. Anyway, I gave him my number and we text each other the day and he even came to visit me. The thing is I think I gave him the impression that I didn't like him because I was so tired and not really myself. I was wondering how you think the best way to text him and let him know I like him, but maybe not in a direct way?? Please help!!
VictorM's advice:
You can always call him and let him know that on such and such a day you were so tired and you apologize if you seemed indifferent. Make it this brief. Don't dwell on it because most likely he isn't (girls just think too much!) Then ask him to go out for some ice cream and voila, life is all good again.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi, I have liked this guy for ages and we got on really well at a party. I think he has liked me for a while as he was always giving my eye contact and smiling etc. Anyway, I gave him my number and we text each other the day and he even came to visit me. The thing is I think I gave him the impression that I didn't like him because I was so tired and not really myself. I was wondering how you think the best way to text him and let him know I like him, but maybe not in a direct way?? Please help!!
VictorM's advice:
You can always call him and let him know that on such and such a day you were so tired and you apologize if you seemed indifferent. Make it this brief. Don't dwell on it because most likely he isn't (girls just think too much!) Then ask him to go out for some ice cream and voila, life is all good again.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Seeing a cop
NANCY, 22, from BROOKLYN asks:
I have been seeing this cop for about 1o months now. I have a 3 year old and he has a five-year old daughter. So going into the relationship I knew I would have to deal with drama from his wife with whom he is separated. Him and his wife went through a lot, a two-year separation, and then they got back together. During that time she ran up credit cards, leaving him in a debt, cheated, stole from his mom, and every weekend didn’t come home because she was clubbing. All the while he still took care of her. Buying her everything she wanted. After he physically caught her cheating he ended the relationship (though inside he was still willing to give it another shot) now I’m in the picture, my son cares for him and I love his daughter. I don’t ask for much; as I do something the wife didn’t do, make my own money. But we have gone through heavy times. One time he ditched me for her, leaving me waiting with my child at night, ignoring my calls. He has left me in a neighborhood with my son that I did not now. He also expresses his desire for a threesome. I do not want that. But I "tested" him and asked him to perform a sexual act on my cousin and he swore on our kids he would do it. I broke up with him. I forgave him and less then week later I find a letter in which he expresses how much he misses his wife and the family they had, asking why he had to find her with another man. I was upset and have since broken up. I have done not even a quarter of the pain she caused him, yet he still misses her! He says he wrote it in anger when I broke up with him and does not mean it. But why would you miss someone who caused you so much pain and still does? She is slightly prettier then me, so I know it cannot be all about looks. Also the letter does not mention my son or me for a single second. Do you think he still loves his wife? And he would cheat or go back to her if given the opportunity? Does he truly love me like he says? He has even proposed marriage in the past, but can I trust him when he says he has no feelings for her?
VictorM's advice:
Boy, this is a mess. "Testing" someone is a terribly immature thing to do. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you grow-up.
"Why would you miss someone who caused you so much pain and still does?" - Ask that question about yourself. How can you care for a guy that has done the things this guy has done to you?
"Do you think he still loves his wife?" I do not believe this man knows the concept of love. He's addicted to her. Period. And he probably always will because he doesn't show the maturity to grow-up.
"And he would cheat or go back to her if given the opportunity?" Yes, yes, yes! In a New York minute!
"Does he truly love me like he says?" No, no, and no! He does not love you. He has no idea what love is.
"Can I trust him when he says he has no feelings for her?" Of course you can't trust him. Not with this, not with your cousin, not with the barmaid, not to pick you up somewhere.
You know, I'm sure the whole story about his break-up with his wife is totally slanted his way, and you believe the whole thing. But maybe, just maybe, she tested him and he failed. But even if that's not the case, at least she has the common sense to stay away from him. Will you?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been seeing this cop for about 1o months now. I have a 3 year old and he has a five-year old daughter. So going into the relationship I knew I would have to deal with drama from his wife with whom he is separated. Him and his wife went through a lot, a two-year separation, and then they got back together. During that time she ran up credit cards, leaving him in a debt, cheated, stole from his mom, and every weekend didn’t come home because she was clubbing. All the while he still took care of her. Buying her everything she wanted. After he physically caught her cheating he ended the relationship (though inside he was still willing to give it another shot) now I’m in the picture, my son cares for him and I love his daughter. I don’t ask for much; as I do something the wife didn’t do, make my own money. But we have gone through heavy times. One time he ditched me for her, leaving me waiting with my child at night, ignoring my calls. He has left me in a neighborhood with my son that I did not now. He also expresses his desire for a threesome. I do not want that. But I "tested" him and asked him to perform a sexual act on my cousin and he swore on our kids he would do it. I broke up with him. I forgave him and less then week later I find a letter in which he expresses how much he misses his wife and the family they had, asking why he had to find her with another man. I was upset and have since broken up. I have done not even a quarter of the pain she caused him, yet he still misses her! He says he wrote it in anger when I broke up with him and does not mean it. But why would you miss someone who caused you so much pain and still does? She is slightly prettier then me, so I know it cannot be all about looks. Also the letter does not mention my son or me for a single second. Do you think he still loves his wife? And he would cheat or go back to her if given the opportunity? Does he truly love me like he says? He has even proposed marriage in the past, but can I trust him when he says he has no feelings for her?
VictorM's advice:
Boy, this is a mess. "Testing" someone is a terribly immature thing to do. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you grow-up.
"Why would you miss someone who caused you so much pain and still does?" - Ask that question about yourself. How can you care for a guy that has done the things this guy has done to you?
"Do you think he still loves his wife?" I do not believe this man knows the concept of love. He's addicted to her. Period. And he probably always will because he doesn't show the maturity to grow-up.
"And he would cheat or go back to her if given the opportunity?" Yes, yes, yes! In a New York minute!
"Does he truly love me like he says?" No, no, and no! He does not love you. He has no idea what love is.
"Can I trust him when he says he has no feelings for her?" Of course you can't trust him. Not with this, not with your cousin, not with the barmaid, not to pick you up somewhere.
You know, I'm sure the whole story about his break-up with his wife is totally slanted his way, and you believe the whole thing. But maybe, just maybe, she tested him and he failed. But even if that's not the case, at least she has the common sense to stay away from him. Will you?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Move in
Renee, 25, from OH asks:
I have been dating this guy for the last year and I really want him to move in with me. We have both lived with someone in the past but something is telling me that this is right. How or should I ask him to move in with me?
VictorM's advice:
In the form of a question would be nice.
Remember: guys don't have all the complicated wires that females do. Be direct, be brief. In an all guy world, this would go like this:
-- "Hey, wanna move in with me?"
-- "OK"
Done deal!
Of course, fighting about the toaster and worrying that he might attack you with an ax in the middle of the night would be dealt with later.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been dating this guy for the last year and I really want him to move in with me. We have both lived with someone in the past but something is telling me that this is right. How or should I ask him to move in with me?
VictorM's advice:
In the form of a question would be nice.
Remember: guys don't have all the complicated wires that females do. Be direct, be brief. In an all guy world, this would go like this:
-- "Hey, wanna move in with me?"
-- "OK"
Done deal!
Of course, fighting about the toaster and worrying that he might attack you with an ax in the middle of the night would be dealt with later.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Boyfriend's ex
Sandy, 31, from USA asks:
I would like to know how to handle my boyfriend's ex. She and him have been broken up for 3 years and now is back in the picture trying her hardest to get him back in his life. She texts him and calls him about 5 times in a month. She use to be involved with another man, who she dumped my boyfriend for. I have questioned my boyfriend if she knows about me, and yes she is well aware of everything going on. So why is she still consistent with trying to get with him again? What can I do to make this stop without being immature and acting like an adult?
VictorM's advice:
She's being a jerk, but you can't control her or make her stop. So you can do nothing; your boyfriend, on the other hand, can do a lot. He's the one that has to put a stop to her calling. He has to break all contact with her, otherwise, he's showing you disrespect. If he can't, or won't do that, you have a problem with him, not with her. And that, you can do something about.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I would like to know how to handle my boyfriend's ex. She and him have been broken up for 3 years and now is back in the picture trying her hardest to get him back in his life. She texts him and calls him about 5 times in a month. She use to be involved with another man, who she dumped my boyfriend for. I have questioned my boyfriend if she knows about me, and yes she is well aware of everything going on. So why is she still consistent with trying to get with him again? What can I do to make this stop without being immature and acting like an adult?
VictorM's advice:
She's being a jerk, but you can't control her or make her stop. So you can do nothing; your boyfriend, on the other hand, can do a lot. He's the one that has to put a stop to her calling. He has to break all contact with her, otherwise, he's showing you disrespect. If he can't, or won't do that, you have a problem with him, not with her. And that, you can do something about.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
His first relationship
missy, 25, from uk asks:
My boyfriend is in his first real relationship with me at the age of 23, I am 25, we have been dating a year and have had our ups and downs but generally we get on very well and have fun together. In the first few months he complimented me a lot and always made a fuss of me, he no longer tells me he loves or really compliments me, yet if anything we get on better now than ever. I have tried explaining that this makes me feel insecure and all he can say is 'words don't really matter' and he knows I love him and it should be the same for me. I don't know what to do as I feel really down lately that he won't share his feelings anymore and it feels I am being taken for granted.
VictorM's advice:
His behavior is text book typical boy reaction. As he sees it, why repeat what you already know, namely, that he loves you? The decrease in attention is part and parcel of most guys' reaction to stability in a relationship.
Are you being taken for granted? Yes, in the sense that he's secure about your feelings for him and therefore he doesn't need to try harder. So what should you do? Make him feel like he needs to try harder. You need to keep him somewhat off-balance. For example, go out with your friends and dress very sexy making sure he sees you. Unless you continue to give him challanges, he'll behave as if he's taking you for granted.
If your talk with him went something like "Why don't you say you love me anymore?" then you went about it wrong. You need to tell him what you feel and what would please you. "I love to hear you say you love me." "I love it when you compliment me" and leave it at that. Don't get annoying about it. Treat him like a puppy: when he does compliment you, give him a treat, something he likes, like flash him or something. Reward the behavior you want.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend is in his first real relationship with me at the age of 23, I am 25, we have been dating a year and have had our ups and downs but generally we get on very well and have fun together. In the first few months he complimented me a lot and always made a fuss of me, he no longer tells me he loves or really compliments me, yet if anything we get on better now than ever. I have tried explaining that this makes me feel insecure and all he can say is 'words don't really matter' and he knows I love him and it should be the same for me. I don't know what to do as I feel really down lately that he won't share his feelings anymore and it feels I am being taken for granted.
VictorM's advice:
His behavior is text book typical boy reaction. As he sees it, why repeat what you already know, namely, that he loves you? The decrease in attention is part and parcel of most guys' reaction to stability in a relationship.
Are you being taken for granted? Yes, in the sense that he's secure about your feelings for him and therefore he doesn't need to try harder. So what should you do? Make him feel like he needs to try harder. You need to keep him somewhat off-balance. For example, go out with your friends and dress very sexy making sure he sees you. Unless you continue to give him challanges, he'll behave as if he's taking you for granted.
If your talk with him went something like "Why don't you say you love me anymore?" then you went about it wrong. You need to tell him what you feel and what would please you. "I love to hear you say you love me." "I love it when you compliment me" and leave it at that. Don't get annoying about it. Treat him like a puppy: when he does compliment you, give him a treat, something he likes, like flash him or something. Reward the behavior you want.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, July 08, 2006
He likes the chase
natalie, 26, from eastern cape asks:
There's this guy, real adventurous, the kind that likes the chase better than the conquest. I am so hooked on him and I'm not sure where I stand with him. We used to chat a lot, phone calls, emails etc and we hooked up once or twice. But now it's like he is playing games with me. We were out the one night and it was fun but the next day when I called him he said that he couldn't talk and that he would call me later, he never did. The following day I called him to ask if we could hook up. He said that he will see what he could do and would contact me later. He never did. I still haven't heard from him 6 days later. Should I call him? He is attached and so am I.
VictorM's advice:
"He is attached and so am I". Do you mean you have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend? If so, not very considerate of either of you, is it?
Well, anyway, it doesn't matter. He's not playing games. He's been rather direct with you, but you're failing to connect the dots. Basically, he has no interest in you other than being an occasional... adventure.
Should you call him? Heck, why not!? It's not as if having personal respect is high on your list.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
There's this guy, real adventurous, the kind that likes the chase better than the conquest. I am so hooked on him and I'm not sure where I stand with him. We used to chat a lot, phone calls, emails etc and we hooked up once or twice. But now it's like he is playing games with me. We were out the one night and it was fun but the next day when I called him he said that he couldn't talk and that he would call me later, he never did. The following day I called him to ask if we could hook up. He said that he will see what he could do and would contact me later. He never did. I still haven't heard from him 6 days later. Should I call him? He is attached and so am I.
VictorM's advice:
"He is attached and so am I". Do you mean you have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend? If so, not very considerate of either of you, is it?
Well, anyway, it doesn't matter. He's not playing games. He's been rather direct with you, but you're failing to connect the dots. Basically, he has no interest in you other than being an occasional... adventure.
Should you call him? Heck, why not!? It's not as if having personal respect is high on your list.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Seeing an ex long distance
Posh1, 22, from Somewhere in Africa asks:
I've been seeing an ex for 3 months now, but only this time round it's long distance. We see each other often and things have been fine. We also try and keep in touch as often as possible. But lately he's been distant and doesn't tell me he misses me, and when I ask if evertthing's ok, he blows up and accuses me of trying to start a fight. And if he does text or call it's about the World Cup... So my question is, why's he acting up, and should I just cut my losses, because I just don't get it!!! THANKS
VictorM's advice:
Really, is there another topic on this planet worth talking about other than the World Cup, particularly in the middle of it? I mean, record yellow and red cards, major diving, the rounder ball, the amazing pace of play, the great goalkeepers, Zidane's performances, Beckham's vomit, the 4-5-1 formation, etc. etc. This is what life is all about. Anyway... oh yeah... back to your ex.
You became each other's ex for a reason. What would make you think anything changed? If you stop talking to him you're not cutting your losses; you're starting to win (just like Italy in the... *gulp*... World Cup).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been seeing an ex for 3 months now, but only this time round it's long distance. We see each other often and things have been fine. We also try and keep in touch as often as possible. But lately he's been distant and doesn't tell me he misses me, and when I ask if evertthing's ok, he blows up and accuses me of trying to start a fight. And if he does text or call it's about the World Cup... So my question is, why's he acting up, and should I just cut my losses, because I just don't get it!!! THANKS
VictorM's advice:
Really, is there another topic on this planet worth talking about other than the World Cup, particularly in the middle of it? I mean, record yellow and red cards, major diving, the rounder ball, the amazing pace of play, the great goalkeepers, Zidane's performances, Beckham's vomit, the 4-5-1 formation, etc. etc. This is what life is all about. Anyway... oh yeah... back to your ex.
You became each other's ex for a reason. What would make you think anything changed? If you stop talking to him you're not cutting your losses; you're starting to win (just like Italy in the... *gulp*... World Cup).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He doesn't know what he wants
Peta, 37, from England asks:
I've been seeing a guy who doesn't seem to know what he wants. After dating him for a few weeks I discovered he had slept with someone else and I couldn't help but show how upset I was. I didn't exactly make a scene I just told him that I wanted him exclusively and I wasn't interested in a casual relationship. Ever since we have been on and off. I end it then he comes back saying he's missed me. During these brief encounters he acts as if he really wants to be with me, gazing into my eyes, maintaining physical contact in public and generally wanting to kiss and hold me. When I ask why he has contacted me again he says he has missed me. He knows I date other men and always asks if I've met anyone appearing relieved when I say no. The last encounter we had he wanted to sleep with me but I said no and left after a magical night. He then withdrew again. I'm afraid at this point I did lose it, ended up getting very drunk and knocking on his door (he wasn't home but his friend saw me so I had to own up by text making a joke out of it). I didn't get much response so I sent him an e-mail saying that it was down to him that I behaved like that. I even admitted to being crazy about him. I said he knew what I wanted and I wouldn't settle for anything less. Guess what? I regret it. I haven't heard from him since. All I want is a normal relationship where we get to know each other, I'm not asking for total commitment just that he doesn't see other women. My heart aches... a lot. Can I do anything to undo the damage?
VictorM's advice:
Boy, are you wrong about your assessment that he doesn't know what he wants. He knows EXACTLY what he wants, and he knows what he can get away with. And clearly, he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. Pure and simple. He'll take you in spurts, and the pattern has been established that you'll always let him back for however long he wants.
You told him you're crazy about him and you take him back each time, not to mention going knocking on his door. Face it, he's got you by the balls! (Pardon the expression.) There is no motivation on his part to change anything because I believe he's not in love with you.
Do you have the willpower to forget him? Turn him down? Never look for him? Unless the answer is "yes", the damage will continue.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been seeing a guy who doesn't seem to know what he wants. After dating him for a few weeks I discovered he had slept with someone else and I couldn't help but show how upset I was. I didn't exactly make a scene I just told him that I wanted him exclusively and I wasn't interested in a casual relationship. Ever since we have been on and off. I end it then he comes back saying he's missed me. During these brief encounters he acts as if he really wants to be with me, gazing into my eyes, maintaining physical contact in public and generally wanting to kiss and hold me. When I ask why he has contacted me again he says he has missed me. He knows I date other men and always asks if I've met anyone appearing relieved when I say no. The last encounter we had he wanted to sleep with me but I said no and left after a magical night. He then withdrew again. I'm afraid at this point I did lose it, ended up getting very drunk and knocking on his door (he wasn't home but his friend saw me so I had to own up by text making a joke out of it). I didn't get much response so I sent him an e-mail saying that it was down to him that I behaved like that. I even admitted to being crazy about him. I said he knew what I wanted and I wouldn't settle for anything less. Guess what? I regret it. I haven't heard from him since. All I want is a normal relationship where we get to know each other, I'm not asking for total commitment just that he doesn't see other women. My heart aches... a lot. Can I do anything to undo the damage?
VictorM's advice:
Boy, are you wrong about your assessment that he doesn't know what he wants. He knows EXACTLY what he wants, and he knows what he can get away with. And clearly, he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you. Pure and simple. He'll take you in spurts, and the pattern has been established that you'll always let him back for however long he wants.
You told him you're crazy about him and you take him back each time, not to mention going knocking on his door. Face it, he's got you by the balls! (Pardon the expression.) There is no motivation on his part to change anything because I believe he's not in love with you.
Do you have the willpower to forget him? Turn him down? Never look for him? Unless the answer is "yes", the damage will continue.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, July 07, 2006
Liking a guy at work
Meg, 18, from San Francisco asks:
Ok, so I just started a new job and I've been working there for about 2 and a half weeks and I REALLY like this guy I work with. BUT I can't tell if he likes me or not. He always teases me (but in a nice way) and I *think* I catch him staring a lot but I can't be sure. And he gave me a high five over something really lame....like I said, I like him a lot but I don't want to say anything because we work together and if he doesn't like me, it would be really awkward! What do I do?!
VictorM's advice:
Playing with guys at work is usually a bad idea unless you don't mind finding another job. Don't go thinking that just because he looks at you or high fives you, that he'd want you as a girlfriend. When people are at work, they look for lots of things as distractions, particularly if they have a boring job. If you're the alternative to playing solitaire to pass the time, you'll take center stage, but maybe not for the reasons you think.
If you think it'll be awkward to approach him, it won't get much easier if you become a couple. Are there other girls in the office? Is company policy against it? Do you have to keep it secret? Will you become two silly and corny people at work?
Anyway, if you decide you still want to make a move, do it away from work. For example, mention that you'd love to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie but you'd hate to go alone. See if he takes the bait and asks to take you. If he does, you're half the way there; the other half you'll be free to talk about once you're out of the office. If he doesn't, at least there's nothing to feel awkward about.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Ok, so I just started a new job and I've been working there for about 2 and a half weeks and I REALLY like this guy I work with. BUT I can't tell if he likes me or not. He always teases me (but in a nice way) and I *think* I catch him staring a lot but I can't be sure. And he gave me a high five over something really lame....like I said, I like him a lot but I don't want to say anything because we work together and if he doesn't like me, it would be really awkward! What do I do?!
VictorM's advice:
Playing with guys at work is usually a bad idea unless you don't mind finding another job. Don't go thinking that just because he looks at you or high fives you, that he'd want you as a girlfriend. When people are at work, they look for lots of things as distractions, particularly if they have a boring job. If you're the alternative to playing solitaire to pass the time, you'll take center stage, but maybe not for the reasons you think.
If you think it'll be awkward to approach him, it won't get much easier if you become a couple. Are there other girls in the office? Is company policy against it? Do you have to keep it secret? Will you become two silly and corny people at work?
Anyway, if you decide you still want to make a move, do it away from work. For example, mention that you'd love to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie but you'd hate to go alone. See if he takes the bait and asks to take you. If he does, you're half the way there; the other half you'll be free to talk about once you're out of the office. If he doesn't, at least there's nothing to feel awkward about.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How to get over an ex
Tanya, 19, from sydney asks:
How do I get over a ex boyfriend who cheated on me and he's now with this girl? And he still rings me and tells me he loves me. We broke up 3 years ago and he lives across the road and he works out of my dad's shed and his brother is married to my sister. HELP!!!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
It's hard when he's so embedded in your life. So he cheated on you, and if you were willing, he'd cheat on her too. And knowing all this still doesn't make you happy he's your ex, huh? I know, I know, easier said than done.
Find new activities and new friends that you can have fun with and do not remind you of him. Expand your horizons with hobbies and interests and spend more time away from the group he's around. Go the the gym, dress better, make yourself feel great when he's not around.
It's natural to take some time before you're over him, but you will. So be patient; it'll take time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How do I get over a ex boyfriend who cheated on me and he's now with this girl? And he still rings me and tells me he loves me. We broke up 3 years ago and he lives across the road and he works out of my dad's shed and his brother is married to my sister. HELP!!!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
It's hard when he's so embedded in your life. So he cheated on you, and if you were willing, he'd cheat on her too. And knowing all this still doesn't make you happy he's your ex, huh? I know, I know, easier said than done.
Find new activities and new friends that you can have fun with and do not remind you of him. Expand your horizons with hobbies and interests and spend more time away from the group he's around. Go the the gym, dress better, make yourself feel great when he's not around.
It's natural to take some time before you're over him, but you will. So be patient; it'll take time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, July 06, 2006
He lives 300 miles away
Lisa, 33, from NYC asks:
I met this guy online and we went on a date. He said he is looking for a serious relationship. We physically attracted to each other. He stayed over night at my place and we were intimate. He lives 300 miles away from me. Since then he only text messaged me once and replied my emails, but never called. It's been a week now. Should I wait or move on?
VictorM's advice:
Don't expect him to be too eager to call. After all, you were intimate the first time you met and that mystery has been solved. If he's really looking for a serious relationship chances are you blew it already. If he just wants to get laid from time to time, then wait -- he'll probably call when he's ready for some action.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I met this guy online and we went on a date. He said he is looking for a serious relationship. We physically attracted to each other. He stayed over night at my place and we were intimate. He lives 300 miles away from me. Since then he only text messaged me once and replied my emails, but never called. It's been a week now. Should I wait or move on?
VictorM's advice:
Don't expect him to be too eager to call. After all, you were intimate the first time you met and that mystery has been solved. If he's really looking for a serious relationship chances are you blew it already. If he just wants to get laid from time to time, then wait -- he'll probably call when he's ready for some action.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Out of practice
Jessica, 19, from Canada asks:
Hey I just had a simple question really.. I've been dating this guy 6 months.. he tells me he cares about me and he hangs out with me on all his days off. He calls me everyday after work and he's accepted my son as his own.. he's 4 years older than me.. but he has a problem discussing feelings.. like I told him I love him maybe a few weeks ago, but he told me he couldn't say it back because he feels love is overrated.. but not to think that he doesn't, just because he can't say it. Well sometimes I feel that maybe it annoys him to call me everyday and maybe he only does it to not make me mad.. cause we only talk for like 10-15 mins or less.. and then he has to do something.. I know he's quite busy with work and all and after working a 10 hour shift he just wants to go home an relax... but do you think I'm expecting more out of this relationship then him.. or I'm just readin him wrong, because I'm worried that I'm not enough for him.. before me he hadn't had a girlfriend in almost 6 years.. maybe he's out of practice?
VictorM's advice:
Practice has nothing to do with this. It all seems very normal -- you're going at girl-speed and he's going at guy-speed, that's all. What he's doing is very normal and wise. He's in no rush and wants to know you better.
Just relax and enjoy his company.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hey I just had a simple question really.. I've been dating this guy 6 months.. he tells me he cares about me and he hangs out with me on all his days off. He calls me everyday after work and he's accepted my son as his own.. he's 4 years older than me.. but he has a problem discussing feelings.. like I told him I love him maybe a few weeks ago, but he told me he couldn't say it back because he feels love is overrated.. but not to think that he doesn't, just because he can't say it. Well sometimes I feel that maybe it annoys him to call me everyday and maybe he only does it to not make me mad.. cause we only talk for like 10-15 mins or less.. and then he has to do something.. I know he's quite busy with work and all and after working a 10 hour shift he just wants to go home an relax... but do you think I'm expecting more out of this relationship then him.. or I'm just readin him wrong, because I'm worried that I'm not enough for him.. before me he hadn't had a girlfriend in almost 6 years.. maybe he's out of practice?
VictorM's advice:
Practice has nothing to do with this. It all seems very normal -- you're going at girl-speed and he's going at guy-speed, that's all. What he's doing is very normal and wise. He's in no rush and wants to know you better.
Just relax and enjoy his company.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Does my ex still love me?
amber, 15, from chicago asks:
Me and my ex have been through a lot together. We loved each other so much but when I moved away we started to become enemies but he has a girlfriend now and I still love him so much. What should I do and how do I now if he still loves me too?
VictorM's advice:
Becoming enemies and getting a new girlfriend doesn't mean he's over you, but it does mean he's at least trying to. I have no idea why you two fought but whatever it is it didn't leave a good taste in his mouth.
Does he call you? Does he try to get in touch with you? If yes, maybe he still has feelings for you. If no, he's probably over you and you're living in fantasy world. Anyway, chances are he's over you. Teen boys don't usually get as stuck on girls as girls do on guys. If he's found another warm body to kiss and fondle, you're history.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and my ex have been through a lot together. We loved each other so much but when I moved away we started to become enemies but he has a girlfriend now and I still love him so much. What should I do and how do I now if he still loves me too?
VictorM's advice:
Becoming enemies and getting a new girlfriend doesn't mean he's over you, but it does mean he's at least trying to. I have no idea why you two fought but whatever it is it didn't leave a good taste in his mouth.
Does he call you? Does he try to get in touch with you? If yes, maybe he still has feelings for you. If no, he's probably over you and you're living in fantasy world. Anyway, chances are he's over you. Teen boys don't usually get as stuck on girls as girls do on guys. If he's found another warm body to kiss and fondle, you're history.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
White marks
joe, 45, from england asks:
I keep finding white marks on my briefs. What causes this? Does it mean someone has got me excited without me realising?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe David Beckham vomited all over them. :-p
Maybe you have wet dreams. Or, it's possible that you get excited and your wetness is so light you may not notice it and it leaks slowly. If you are not circumcised, that leakage may even take a little longer to make it's way out. And you may even get wet without getting an erection.
If none of those apply, maybe you're an alien from out of space. (Anyway, visit your friendly doctor -- make use of that national health care plan you Brits brag about.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I keep finding white marks on my briefs. What causes this? Does it mean someone has got me excited without me realising?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe David Beckham vomited all over them. :-p
Maybe you have wet dreams. Or, it's possible that you get excited and your wetness is so light you may not notice it and it leaks slowly. If you are not circumcised, that leakage may even take a little longer to make it's way out. And you may even get wet without getting an erection.
If none of those apply, maybe you're an alien from out of space. (Anyway, visit your friendly doctor -- make use of that national health care plan you Brits brag about.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Act flirtatious
Michelle, 33, from London asks:
Hi, I live in London. My ex boyfriend and I started going out last September after dating/friends for 9 months. He is a busy lawyer, 43, and I'm a student, almost one, 33 yrs. We both have similar goals, spiritual backgrounds and want to get married and have kids. He was very sweet and loving and honest and we went to Hawaii in Christmas. It was beautiful for 10 days but he was frustrated with little things and when we got back, took one week to think about us. He told me he loved me and we stayed together. About 2 months later I told him I wanted to get married and thought he was the one. Two weeks later he said he wasn't sure, so I broke it off because I thought I couldn't change things.
It's been 4 months with phone calls and meeting up 3 times for birthdays or drinks. He became flirtatious recently and I asked him to get back together last week and he said no, he was still confused. So I told him no more flirting, etc. and he wanted to be friends. Two days ago friday at 1am he came over as he lost a case and cried on my shoulder and stayed the night. I thought we were back together, but he only texted me so I called on Sunday and asked him to drinks tonight.
My question is: guys tell me to act flirtatious and be confident and not talk about it. Girlfriends tell me to talk about it and see if there is a future, if not tell him no contact whatsoever. I think guys is a good plan to get together in the future as he is confused, but girl's way is better for me to understand. I could cancel and do nothing and see if he comes back.
Is there hope? What to do?
VictorM's advice:
The guys are giving you the right advice; the girlfriends, as usual, give the worst of advice when it comes to guys. Girls can only see the world through their own eyes. Grrrr... aggravating. Anyway, if you want to spark something in him again, do the following: 1. Flirt discreetly (by that I mean, wear sexy clothes, sexy perfume, do your hair to kill, but do not overtly flirt with him); 2. Do NOT under any circumstances bring up marriage or a relationship. Enjoy his company, give him time, make him want you more before you bring up those suffocating topics. For heaven sakes, you knew the guy less than a year and wanted to get married? And you're still a law student! For crying out loud, get some sense into that head of yours; 3. Make yourself scarce once in a while, be busy, have other plans. Make him chase you. 4. Do NOT listen to those crazy girlfriends of yours. 5. Look at number 4 again and again.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi, I live in London. My ex boyfriend and I started going out last September after dating/friends for 9 months. He is a busy lawyer, 43, and I'm a student, almost one, 33 yrs. We both have similar goals, spiritual backgrounds and want to get married and have kids. He was very sweet and loving and honest and we went to Hawaii in Christmas. It was beautiful for 10 days but he was frustrated with little things and when we got back, took one week to think about us. He told me he loved me and we stayed together. About 2 months later I told him I wanted to get married and thought he was the one. Two weeks later he said he wasn't sure, so I broke it off because I thought I couldn't change things.
It's been 4 months with phone calls and meeting up 3 times for birthdays or drinks. He became flirtatious recently and I asked him to get back together last week and he said no, he was still confused. So I told him no more flirting, etc. and he wanted to be friends. Two days ago friday at 1am he came over as he lost a case and cried on my shoulder and stayed the night. I thought we were back together, but he only texted me so I called on Sunday and asked him to drinks tonight.
My question is: guys tell me to act flirtatious and be confident and not talk about it. Girlfriends tell me to talk about it and see if there is a future, if not tell him no contact whatsoever. I think guys is a good plan to get together in the future as he is confused, but girl's way is better for me to understand. I could cancel and do nothing and see if he comes back.
Is there hope? What to do?
VictorM's advice:
The guys are giving you the right advice; the girlfriends, as usual, give the worst of advice when it comes to guys. Girls can only see the world through their own eyes. Grrrr... aggravating. Anyway, if you want to spark something in him again, do the following: 1. Flirt discreetly (by that I mean, wear sexy clothes, sexy perfume, do your hair to kill, but do not overtly flirt with him); 2. Do NOT under any circumstances bring up marriage or a relationship. Enjoy his company, give him time, make him want you more before you bring up those suffocating topics. For heaven sakes, you knew the guy less than a year and wanted to get married? And you're still a law student! For crying out loud, get some sense into that head of yours; 3. Make yourself scarce once in a while, be busy, have other plans. Make him chase you. 4. Do NOT listen to those crazy girlfriends of yours. 5. Look at number 4 again and again.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, July 03, 2006
Madly in love with him
Nikki, 15, from Namibia asks:
I'm in love with this guy, he's 17! We have been together a few times on and off. But now I'm madly in love with him, the only problem is he has a girlfriend, but I know she isn't the right one for him and I am! Even though he's dating her he says he has strong feelings for me. I want him really bad. What can I do?
VictorM's advice:
You can wait your turn. I just don't know if you're the next one in line or if you have several in front of you. I mean, if he has strong feelings for you but he's with her, how do you know he doesn't have strong feelings for others with whom he has been "on and off"?
You say she isn't right for him but you are. Well, he obviously disagrees. And his opinion is the only one that counts.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm in love with this guy, he's 17! We have been together a few times on and off. But now I'm madly in love with him, the only problem is he has a girlfriend, but I know she isn't the right one for him and I am! Even though he's dating her he says he has strong feelings for me. I want him really bad. What can I do?
VictorM's advice:
You can wait your turn. I just don't know if you're the next one in line or if you have several in front of you. I mean, if he has strong feelings for you but he's with her, how do you know he doesn't have strong feelings for others with whom he has been "on and off"?
You say she isn't right for him but you are. Well, he obviously disagrees. And his opinion is the only one that counts.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He has a girlfriend
Amanda, 18, from Port Hope asks:
There is this guy who I am friends with and he always looks at me this certain way like his eyes are glued but he has a girlfriend and they are not doing too well in their relationship but every time she is around and I try to make eye contact with him he looks away like she is not letting him look at me and he looks like he is irritated every time she is with us. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means you're reading too much into it. Maybe he's irritated that you're around when he's with her. Look, just because a guy has a girlfriend doesn't mean he's gone blind and doesn't find other females attractive. But that doesn't necessarily mean he wants anything further with them.
Of course, it could also mean that he likes you, but until he breaks up with her, you better assume he's looking at you as scenery, otherwise, you have to believe he's a cheater.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
There is this guy who I am friends with and he always looks at me this certain way like his eyes are glued but he has a girlfriend and they are not doing too well in their relationship but every time she is around and I try to make eye contact with him he looks away like she is not letting him look at me and he looks like he is irritated every time she is with us. What does this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means you're reading too much into it. Maybe he's irritated that you're around when he's with her. Look, just because a guy has a girlfriend doesn't mean he's gone blind and doesn't find other females attractive. But that doesn't necessarily mean he wants anything further with them.
Of course, it could also mean that he likes you, but until he breaks up with her, you better assume he's looking at you as scenery, otherwise, you have to believe he's a cheater.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Unapproachable and intimidating
Shannon, 30, from alabama asks:
Guys think I'm unapproachable and intimidating. I've been told this enough times. Though assertive, I think I am cool, free spirited and easy to get along with. I have a lot of friends. But it's come to my attention guys are hesitant to approach me about going out maybe because I am strong willed? And though really feminine tend to hold jobs that usually only guys work at, which always seems to be a factor? I feel like I'm missing out on dating guys who like me because they get tripped up about asking me out, etc. Recently a guy asked me for my number and seemed so scared about it before and after I feel like he'll never call, though I'm sure I seemed happy and excited that he asked. Then if I do go on a date they don't really initiate as much as I'd like them to. Just because I know what I want does not mean I want to initiate everything. What can I do to help them be more at ease around me?
VictorM's advice:
Ahh the curse of the intimidating woman... a common problem. I say you shouldn't change the way you are. I assume the right fit for you is a guy who is excited by your looks and image. So to "soften" yourself up to you attract scary-cats doesn't seem like a good idea. Hold out for a man that is confident enough to love to be with you, just as you are.
Until then, consider that males in your age group (30-somethings) are usually at their lowest in self-esteem. The big 30 is often seen as the start of the over-the-hill stage, many are still paying off debt from college when they think they should be millionaires and their flat stomachs are starting to give way to beer bellies. Guys make a come back around 40, when they are thought of as experienced and distinguished. I'm not saying to move up to older men; I just want you to be aware of the insecurities of many 30-something males.
You can either try to hang around places where you think more confident men go or get used to being the aggressive one. Guys are told all the time to be more aggressive, why can't you? So don't wait for the guy who got your number to call you; you call him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Guys think I'm unapproachable and intimidating. I've been told this enough times. Though assertive, I think I am cool, free spirited and easy to get along with. I have a lot of friends. But it's come to my attention guys are hesitant to approach me about going out maybe because I am strong willed? And though really feminine tend to hold jobs that usually only guys work at, which always seems to be a factor? I feel like I'm missing out on dating guys who like me because they get tripped up about asking me out, etc. Recently a guy asked me for my number and seemed so scared about it before and after I feel like he'll never call, though I'm sure I seemed happy and excited that he asked. Then if I do go on a date they don't really initiate as much as I'd like them to. Just because I know what I want does not mean I want to initiate everything. What can I do to help them be more at ease around me?
VictorM's advice:
Ahh the curse of the intimidating woman... a common problem. I say you shouldn't change the way you are. I assume the right fit for you is a guy who is excited by your looks and image. So to "soften" yourself up to you attract scary-cats doesn't seem like a good idea. Hold out for a man that is confident enough to love to be with you, just as you are.
Until then, consider that males in your age group (30-somethings) are usually at their lowest in self-esteem. The big 30 is often seen as the start of the over-the-hill stage, many are still paying off debt from college when they think they should be millionaires and their flat stomachs are starting to give way to beer bellies. Guys make a come back around 40, when they are thought of as experienced and distinguished. I'm not saying to move up to older men; I just want you to be aware of the insecurities of many 30-something males.
You can either try to hang around places where you think more confident men go or get used to being the aggressive one. Guys are told all the time to be more aggressive, why can't you? So don't wait for the guy who got your number to call you; you call him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Moving in with him and his mum
rowena, 19, from essex asks:
I've been seeing this guy now for 3 months and I really like him and I'm moving in with him and his mum, but the problem is he's very open about other girls. Like we would be walking down the street and he will see a good looking girl and say something like she's nice!! And I tell him that it makes me feel ugly but he just says well that's the way he is if i don't like it then I shouldn't be with him!
VictorM's advice:
Ahhh an honest guy. How refreshing. You have no one but yourself to blame if you stay with this idiot.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been seeing this guy now for 3 months and I really like him and I'm moving in with him and his mum, but the problem is he's very open about other girls. Like we would be walking down the street and he will see a good looking girl and say something like she's nice!! And I tell him that it makes me feel ugly but he just says well that's the way he is if i don't like it then I shouldn't be with him!
VictorM's advice:
Ahhh an honest guy. How refreshing. You have no one but yourself to blame if you stay with this idiot.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He found out I lied
malissa, 29, from pittsburgh asks:
Recently my boyfriend broke up with me for 2 reasons...1) he found out that I went out with a group of my friends, and one of them was my ex and 2)I gave my phone number to a coworker of mine that I consider a friend, but he's also cool with my boyfriend, not to mention my boyfriend feels a little threatened by his looks. He found out and was so upset that A) I didn't tell him, B) I lied, and C) I gave his boy my number. At first he said don't call, text, e~mail me...then as time went on, he calls me, texts me, comes over etc. he goes on and on about how much he loves me and my son (he is not his dad), how I was perfect and he wanted to marry me...but in the same sentence he says because of what I did "he can't be with me". Do you think he's punishing me or really won't take me back? Please HELP!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
The only thing in question here is his willpower. By seeing you again he's not punishing you; he's punishing himself. Clearly he has feelings for you but wisely, he knows you'd be wrong for him. You have no respect for him and on that alone, he deserves better. But even worse, he doesn't trust you now, and never will. If you two get back together not only will that make his life miserable, but he'll make yours a living hell.
I hope he finds the willpower to stay clear of you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Recently my boyfriend broke up with me for 2 reasons...1) he found out that I went out with a group of my friends, and one of them was my ex and 2)I gave my phone number to a coworker of mine that I consider a friend, but he's also cool with my boyfriend, not to mention my boyfriend feels a little threatened by his looks. He found out and was so upset that A) I didn't tell him, B) I lied, and C) I gave his boy my number. At first he said don't call, text, e~mail me...then as time went on, he calls me, texts me, comes over etc. he goes on and on about how much he loves me and my son (he is not his dad), how I was perfect and he wanted to marry me...but in the same sentence he says because of what I did "he can't be with me". Do you think he's punishing me or really won't take me back? Please HELP!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
The only thing in question here is his willpower. By seeing you again he's not punishing you; he's punishing himself. Clearly he has feelings for you but wisely, he knows you'd be wrong for him. You have no respect for him and on that alone, he deserves better. But even worse, he doesn't trust you now, and never will. If you two get back together not only will that make his life miserable, but he'll make yours a living hell.
I hope he finds the willpower to stay clear of you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Kind of women
Nathi, 26, from South Africa asks:
What kind of women do men marry?
VictorM's advice:
Is this a trick question? My answer is: single ones.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What kind of women do men marry?
VictorM's advice:
Is this a trick question? My answer is: single ones.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He was looking at me
jessica, 26, from montreal asks:
I went to a local bar where a guy I went to school with (did not really know) was working as a bouncer. I noticed that he was looking at me a couple times. At the end of the night I went up to him and gave him my number. As I was giving it to him he only held out 1 finger to take it and when I saw that I had told him that he did not need to take it and it will not offend me and after I said that he put his hand flat out so I would put the number in it. When I left I said to him "use that number" he replied "I will". It's been 5 days now and I have not heard from him. Also 3 days ago I went on a site hi5 (like my space) and wrote him a little message saying that I was sorry for just giving him my numer without seeing if he was single or a little interested and that the offer was still there and I hope to hear from him. What does all this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means you're desperate and he's not interested.
Boy, this was an easy one!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I went to a local bar where a guy I went to school with (did not really know) was working as a bouncer. I noticed that he was looking at me a couple times. At the end of the night I went up to him and gave him my number. As I was giving it to him he only held out 1 finger to take it and when I saw that I had told him that he did not need to take it and it will not offend me and after I said that he put his hand flat out so I would put the number in it. When I left I said to him "use that number" he replied "I will". It's been 5 days now and I have not heard from him. Also 3 days ago I went on a site hi5 (like my space) and wrote him a little message saying that I was sorry for just giving him my numer without seeing if he was single or a little interested and that the offer was still there and I hope to hear from him. What does all this mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means you're desperate and he's not interested.
Boy, this was an easy one!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Is that right?
Maria, 33, from Orlando asks:
I work at a popular trendy restaurants on the weekends. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend three months ago because he wouldn't spend time with me and always put his friends before me. Now, since I broke up, he shows up once a month with only girls to my restaurant and this past weekend, he brought a date to restaurant while I was working. Is that right for him to bring a date to my place of work?
VictorM's answer:
Of course it is.
You broke-up with him, you work at a trendy popular restaurant, why should he stop going out with other girls to a trendy place just because you work there? You broke-up with him, why should he be considerate of your feelings when you weren't considerate of his? (I'm not saying you didn't have a right to break-up with him, I'm just pointing out how he sees it).
All you can do right now is hope he tips well.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I work at a popular trendy restaurants on the weekends. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend three months ago because he wouldn't spend time with me and always put his friends before me. Now, since I broke up, he shows up once a month with only girls to my restaurant and this past weekend, he brought a date to restaurant while I was working. Is that right for him to bring a date to my place of work?
VictorM's answer:
Of course it is.
You broke-up with him, you work at a trendy popular restaurant, why should he stop going out with other girls to a trendy place just because you work there? You broke-up with him, why should he be considerate of your feelings when you weren't considerate of his? (I'm not saying you didn't have a right to break-up with him, I'm just pointing out how he sees it).
All you can do right now is hope he tips well.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
