Friday, June 30, 2006
We have good sex but
Jo, 22, from Idaho asks:
My husband and I have been together for three years, and we have a good sex but... Only every once and awhile and only in one direction can I have an orgasm, and they are great, but I would like to know how to get him as excited or make noises or something knowing that he is felling good? It is also hard for me to have an orgasm, and like I said I have to be in the same direction every time. Most of the time I just get to where it is starting to fell good and he comes and it is not enough for me, basically I am left hanging and he is satisfied. I want more!!! How do I get him to be more excited and have it last longer for him?
VictorM's advice:
OK, this is very simple: if he's hard, he's excited. Lots of guys don't make noises. No "Oh Gods", no "Yessssssss", no "Come on big boy bang me like a Brazilian drum during carnival" (oh well, that one is not so common) but anyway, don't worry about him making noises.
As for the rest, in terms of the positions and him ejaculating too soon, you really just have to talk to him and let him know these things. If you two are not mature enough to discuss sex and work to please the other, I'm not aware of any magic potion that will solve the problems. Talk to each other, before, during, and after sex. Discuss what you love to do, what turns you on, what turns you off, and together go on adventures exploring each others erogenous zones. And you don't need a map; getting lost and finding new ways is the most fun.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My husband and I have been together for three years, and we have a good sex but... Only every once and awhile and only in one direction can I have an orgasm, and they are great, but I would like to know how to get him as excited or make noises or something knowing that he is felling good? It is also hard for me to have an orgasm, and like I said I have to be in the same direction every time. Most of the time I just get to where it is starting to fell good and he comes and it is not enough for me, basically I am left hanging and he is satisfied. I want more!!! How do I get him to be more excited and have it last longer for him?
VictorM's advice:
OK, this is very simple: if he's hard, he's excited. Lots of guys don't make noises. No "Oh Gods", no "Yessssssss", no "Come on big boy bang me like a Brazilian drum during carnival" (oh well, that one is not so common) but anyway, don't worry about him making noises.
As for the rest, in terms of the positions and him ejaculating too soon, you really just have to talk to him and let him know these things. If you two are not mature enough to discuss sex and work to please the other, I'm not aware of any magic potion that will solve the problems. Talk to each other, before, during, and after sex. Discuss what you love to do, what turns you on, what turns you off, and together go on adventures exploring each others erogenous zones. And you don't need a map; getting lost and finding new ways is the most fun.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Perfect, but...
Geraldine, 21, from New York asks:
What does it mean when a guys says this "You're perfect..you're everything I look for in a girl, but I am afraid that I will be an asshole to you..."?
VictorM's answer:
It really means he doesn't think you're so perfect, he's just saying it so you don't get all weepy on him. Either that or he really is an asshole.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What does it mean when a guys says this "You're perfect..you're everything I look for in a girl, but I am afraid that I will be an asshole to you..."?
VictorM's answer:
It really means he doesn't think you're so perfect, he's just saying it so you don't get all weepy on him. Either that or he really is an asshole.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
A really nice guy
Jess, 14, from PA asks:
My boyfriend is a really nice guy. I was really good friends with him before we started dating. I have confronted him about kissing but he didn't seem to have answers to my questions. I asked him a question that was stated like "What would you do if I kissed you?" He didn't have a response. But he just smiled! Why hasn't he made a move yet? We have been going out for 2 months now. He hasn't done anything more than hugging me. Is he really interested in me? Should I just give him a while? Is he scared or too shy? I am just confused. Please reply!
VictorM's advice:
He's terrified! 14 is a very awkward stage for guys. I liken it to sitting in a racing car, all revved up and ready to go, but you're blindfolded.
Don't ask him about kissing you, just kiss him. He'll follow your lead. But be warned: you will be creating a monster! Once he gets over this hump, humping will be all he wants, night and day.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend is a really nice guy. I was really good friends with him before we started dating. I have confronted him about kissing but he didn't seem to have answers to my questions. I asked him a question that was stated like "What would you do if I kissed you?" He didn't have a response. But he just smiled! Why hasn't he made a move yet? We have been going out for 2 months now. He hasn't done anything more than hugging me. Is he really interested in me? Should I just give him a while? Is he scared or too shy? I am just confused. Please reply!
VictorM's advice:
He's terrified! 14 is a very awkward stage for guys. I liken it to sitting in a racing car, all revved up and ready to go, but you're blindfolded.
Don't ask him about kissing you, just kiss him. He'll follow your lead. But be warned: you will be creating a monster! Once he gets over this hump, humping will be all he wants, night and day.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He has no job
Christine, 20, from Chicago asks:
I have been dating a guy for almost two years now. He is 22 and has no job. He use to work a small mall job but recently quit, only to spend time sitting at home all day long. He lives with his parents and plays video games all day long. He says he works for his dad doing some chores, but he never gets paid. He has no initiative to get a job and has failed out of two colleges. I, on the other hand, go to school full time and work two jobs so that I have money to pay the bills. I know he is immature but I love him. I am getting really sick of his lack of motivation though. I pay for everything we do, every movie, dinner, etc. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him because I know we are both still young and I care about him a lot, but I can't stand the thought of dating for years and it ends because he refuses to get a job or move out of his parents house. What can I do to motivate him and help him get a job?
VictorM's advice:
If you have to be the one to motivate him now, you'd be doomed to keep having to repeat the task over and over. Don't do it; he has to be the one to want to do it.
If he was in his 30's this would be a serious problem. At 22, while not a good thing, it's not hopeless. He may still come around and get going.
My guess is he's somewhat depressed over his lack of school success. Sitting around playing video games is an escape, and his parents and you are enablers. You can't control his parents but you can control yourself. Paying for things not only encourages his behavior but contributes to his lack of self-esteem. So, do the things you can do: save your money, go to places with your friends, do NOT rag on him for not working or not having money. Go about your life, show some sympathy that he doesn't have the money to come with you, but go with others or by yourself.
You might look for articles for him about how some people aren't very good in classroom settings but yet are very intelligent and go-getters if given another setting. Our society is too ingrained on a "learn at school or be a failure" mentality, but more and more studies show that many people have a hard time concentrating and learning in present classroom setting. Many hugely successful people are college drop-outs, like Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, and many others. Praise whatever skills he may have and encourage him to pursue those skills.
Give him some time. Don't give up on him just yet.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been dating a guy for almost two years now. He is 22 and has no job. He use to work a small mall job but recently quit, only to spend time sitting at home all day long. He lives with his parents and plays video games all day long. He says he works for his dad doing some chores, but he never gets paid. He has no initiative to get a job and has failed out of two colleges. I, on the other hand, go to school full time and work two jobs so that I have money to pay the bills. I know he is immature but I love him. I am getting really sick of his lack of motivation though. I pay for everything we do, every movie, dinner, etc. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him because I know we are both still young and I care about him a lot, but I can't stand the thought of dating for years and it ends because he refuses to get a job or move out of his parents house. What can I do to motivate him and help him get a job?
VictorM's advice:
If you have to be the one to motivate him now, you'd be doomed to keep having to repeat the task over and over. Don't do it; he has to be the one to want to do it.
If he was in his 30's this would be a serious problem. At 22, while not a good thing, it's not hopeless. He may still come around and get going.
My guess is he's somewhat depressed over his lack of school success. Sitting around playing video games is an escape, and his parents and you are enablers. You can't control his parents but you can control yourself. Paying for things not only encourages his behavior but contributes to his lack of self-esteem. So, do the things you can do: save your money, go to places with your friends, do NOT rag on him for not working or not having money. Go about your life, show some sympathy that he doesn't have the money to come with you, but go with others or by yourself.
You might look for articles for him about how some people aren't very good in classroom settings but yet are very intelligent and go-getters if given another setting. Our society is too ingrained on a "learn at school or be a failure" mentality, but more and more studies show that many people have a hard time concentrating and learning in present classroom setting. Many hugely successful people are college drop-outs, like Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, and many others. Praise whatever skills he may have and encourage him to pursue those skills.
Give him some time. Don't give up on him just yet.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Just a shag
Natalie Thomas, 19, from Scotland asks:
I started seeing a guy two months ago and we both felt that we were made for each other. He works off shore and after a month of us dating he went off to work for 3 weeks and they can't use their phones so I never heard from him. I went round to his the day he came back which was also his birthday and I bought him a watch so I brought it round. We watched the football and I ended up sleeping with him for the first time then we sat and snuggled up on the sofa. I called him the next day and got no answer. I then proceeded to leave him to get in contact with me but he never did so after 5 days I called him again and still got no answer. Then yesterday I got a text message to say that he had been on a bender with his mates and thought that I was getting too heavy too soon so it was over and that I could do a lot better than him cause he thought he treated me like dirt. And I never got his present back and it cost over £200. What a waste! Was I just a shag or is he just insecure?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you were just a shag or that he's insecure. He gave you the answer but you're purposely overlooking it. He said you got too heavy too soon! Period! Full stop! There it is. He was straight and honest.
Why should he give you the watch back? You gave it to him for his birthday. It belongs to him. Giving this guy such an expensive watch after only a few weeks, in my view, supports what he said: you're in too heavy too soon.
Next time... take your time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I started seeing a guy two months ago and we both felt that we were made for each other. He works off shore and after a month of us dating he went off to work for 3 weeks and they can't use their phones so I never heard from him. I went round to his the day he came back which was also his birthday and I bought him a watch so I brought it round. We watched the football and I ended up sleeping with him for the first time then we sat and snuggled up on the sofa. I called him the next day and got no answer. I then proceeded to leave him to get in contact with me but he never did so after 5 days I called him again and still got no answer. Then yesterday I got a text message to say that he had been on a bender with his mates and thought that I was getting too heavy too soon so it was over and that I could do a lot better than him cause he thought he treated me like dirt. And I never got his present back and it cost over £200. What a waste! Was I just a shag or is he just insecure?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you were just a shag or that he's insecure. He gave you the answer but you're purposely overlooking it. He said you got too heavy too soon! Period! Full stop! There it is. He was straight and honest.
Why should he give you the watch back? You gave it to him for his birthday. It belongs to him. Giving this guy such an expensive watch after only a few weeks, in my view, supports what he said: you're in too heavy too soon.
Next time... take your time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, June 29, 2006
A waiter in my local pub
Lauren, 16, from London, England asks:
Hi there, well, basically I just wanted to know if this guy that I fancy likes me back. You see, he's a waiter in my local pub and he's quite good friends with my dad. Now, I started liking him about a week ago. He talked to me for the first time. Actually, it wasn't like a proper conversation, he just said 'alrite, trouble?' I know, it's wasn't much but we both laughed. Anyway, I keep catching him glancing at me. Like one time, I went to the bar (to help my mum with the drinks) and as he was getting something behind the bar, he looked up at me and had this expression on his face like he was gonna say something. I just walked away because I wasn't sure what he was doing, I wasn't gonna stand there and look like a total idiot, waiting for him to talk to me but he had this look on his face like he was happy to see me or something. Now, he's caught me staring at him and I've caught him staring at me. I just get the feeling he likes me, you know, woman's instinct maybe but I don't want to base everything on what I feel because I've been wrong about this stuff in the past but this guy is older than guys I usually waste my time on. He's not a silly little high school boy, he's about 22 I reckon. So please help me out, I fancy the pants off him but I don't know where to start. I'm kind of shy when it comes to things like this and I'm getting the impression that he is too. What should I do? Should I tell my dad and maybe he'll tell him how I feel? Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Noooooooo!!!!!! Don't tell your dad a thing! This is something that you and the boy have to resolve and you must keep everyone else out.
You don't even know his age and you haven't even had a conversation with the guy. For crying out loud, do you even know his name? Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you do, but try to make conversation with him about simple things. Ask him about the refereeing in World Cup, or about anything else you know he's interested in. Talk to the guy a little more before you plan to marry him. And, if it looks like he's going to say something to you... LISTEN! Don't walk away.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi there, well, basically I just wanted to know if this guy that I fancy likes me back. You see, he's a waiter in my local pub and he's quite good friends with my dad. Now, I started liking him about a week ago. He talked to me for the first time. Actually, it wasn't like a proper conversation, he just said 'alrite, trouble?' I know, it's wasn't much but we both laughed. Anyway, I keep catching him glancing at me. Like one time, I went to the bar (to help my mum with the drinks) and as he was getting something behind the bar, he looked up at me and had this expression on his face like he was gonna say something. I just walked away because I wasn't sure what he was doing, I wasn't gonna stand there and look like a total idiot, waiting for him to talk to me but he had this look on his face like he was happy to see me or something. Now, he's caught me staring at him and I've caught him staring at me. I just get the feeling he likes me, you know, woman's instinct maybe but I don't want to base everything on what I feel because I've been wrong about this stuff in the past but this guy is older than guys I usually waste my time on. He's not a silly little high school boy, he's about 22 I reckon. So please help me out, I fancy the pants off him but I don't know where to start. I'm kind of shy when it comes to things like this and I'm getting the impression that he is too. What should I do? Should I tell my dad and maybe he'll tell him how I feel? Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Noooooooo!!!!!! Don't tell your dad a thing! This is something that you and the boy have to resolve and you must keep everyone else out.
You don't even know his age and you haven't even had a conversation with the guy. For crying out loud, do you even know his name? Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you do, but try to make conversation with him about simple things. Ask him about the refereeing in World Cup, or about anything else you know he's interested in. Talk to the guy a little more before you plan to marry him. And, if it looks like he's going to say something to you... LISTEN! Don't walk away.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Moving to Reno
janet thompson, 39, from redding, ca asks:
I am dating a very nice guy my age, no children has been in one serious relationship. We see each other about once a week. We go to dinner, laugh a lot and hang out for hours at one of our houses. He is moving to Reno for business opportunity, that is only 3 hours from here. We like each other and both agreed to keep it lite for now. My problem is that I am falling for him slowly. He seems to be into me but because of the move is holding back. I listen to everything he says, he is funny, we have a lot in common. How do I get this guy to fall for me so that maybe I can join him in Reno someday?
VictorM's advice:
"I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die". Sorry, but I can't hear of Reno without those lyrics coming to mind. Anyway, I've been to Reno. Are you sure you want to live there? :)
What makes you think he hasn't fallen for you? It's possible he has. And if he has not, no gimmicks are going to chance that. You laugh, you like each other, you spend time together. Sounds like a good thing. Just be as you are.
You can keep visiting each other and the distance will make both of you reach some conclusions about your relationship. You may miss each other and want to be close to each other, or one of you may find life is fine without the other.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am dating a very nice guy my age, no children has been in one serious relationship. We see each other about once a week. We go to dinner, laugh a lot and hang out for hours at one of our houses. He is moving to Reno for business opportunity, that is only 3 hours from here. We like each other and both agreed to keep it lite for now. My problem is that I am falling for him slowly. He seems to be into me but because of the move is holding back. I listen to everything he says, he is funny, we have a lot in common. How do I get this guy to fall for me so that maybe I can join him in Reno someday?
VictorM's advice:
"I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die". Sorry, but I can't hear of Reno without those lyrics coming to mind. Anyway, I've been to Reno. Are you sure you want to live there? :)
What makes you think he hasn't fallen for you? It's possible he has. And if he has not, no gimmicks are going to chance that. You laugh, you like each other, you spend time together. Sounds like a good thing. Just be as you are.
You can keep visiting each other and the distance will make both of you reach some conclusions about your relationship. You may miss each other and want to be close to each other, or one of you may find life is fine without the other.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Not ready yet
Miranda, 23, from Canada asks:
So this guy I met.. we dated a few times then he said that he wasn't ready. Recently he asked me out again. We've now gone on a few dates and tonight he tells me the same thing. "I think I need you as a friend right now more then a girlfriend. But who knows what the future holds." Why does he keep doing this? And is there a good way to make it stop? If he likes me why doesn't he just be with me instead of playing games? I don't get it. HELP!!
VictorM's advice:
What games is he playing exactly? I don't see them. He likes going out on dates with you and likes your friendship. And of course, no one knows what the future holds. So what's the mystery?
You just want him to ask you to be his girlfriend, but face it, he doesn't think you're "it", hence no such question.
Yes, there is a way to make it stop: either stop going out with the guy or accept that he thinks of you as friendly material only. Case solved!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
So this guy I met.. we dated a few times then he said that he wasn't ready. Recently he asked me out again. We've now gone on a few dates and tonight he tells me the same thing. "I think I need you as a friend right now more then a girlfriend. But who knows what the future holds." Why does he keep doing this? And is there a good way to make it stop? If he likes me why doesn't he just be with me instead of playing games? I don't get it. HELP!!
VictorM's advice:
What games is he playing exactly? I don't see them. He likes going out on dates with you and likes your friendship. And of course, no one knows what the future holds. So what's the mystery?
You just want him to ask you to be his girlfriend, but face it, he doesn't think you're "it", hence no such question.
Yes, there is a way to make it stop: either stop going out with the guy or accept that he thinks of you as friendly material only. Case solved!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Checking out hips
chris, 23, from Australia asks:
I hope you can help. There's this guy who's always checking out my body, especially hips, he's always noticing me he also notices what I'm wearing, he makes eye contact I've caught him looking and then he's very good at quickly looking away when I catch him, other times he'll make direct eye contact with 'smiling eyes' and doesn't mind if I catch him, but when I'm up close and speaking to him directly he has for the most part a hard time holding eye contact for very long. One time I walked into his office when he wasn't expecting to see me and he got all nervous and was muddling up his words. The other day I needed to send him an sms and he had a smile from ear to ear. Help! chris
VictorM's advice:
I'm not sure what you need help with.
Everything you described could be because he's attracted to you, but it could also be that he just finds you attractive and is not interested in a relationship. Even if he's married, has a girlfriend, or even likes some other girl, that wouldn't preclude him from the reactions you mentioned.
If you like him, give him encouragement. If you don't like him, enjoy torturing him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I hope you can help. There's this guy who's always checking out my body, especially hips, he's always noticing me he also notices what I'm wearing, he makes eye contact I've caught him looking and then he's very good at quickly looking away when I catch him, other times he'll make direct eye contact with 'smiling eyes' and doesn't mind if I catch him, but when I'm up close and speaking to him directly he has for the most part a hard time holding eye contact for very long. One time I walked into his office when he wasn't expecting to see me and he got all nervous and was muddling up his words. The other day I needed to send him an sms and he had a smile from ear to ear. Help! chris
VictorM's advice:
I'm not sure what you need help with.
Everything you described could be because he's attracted to you, but it could also be that he just finds you attractive and is not interested in a relationship. Even if he's married, has a girlfriend, or even likes some other girl, that wouldn't preclude him from the reactions you mentioned.
If you like him, give him encouragement. If you don't like him, enjoy torturing him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
He never tried to kiss me
Marie, 33, from Pittsburgh asks:
I have a guy friend who I hang out with all the time. Mostly with a group a few times just the two of us. ALL our friends say he likes me. But he has never tried to kiss me or anything. To complicate matters he and I work in the same small office and he was just promoted to be my boss. Our friends say if we didn't work together they think he would make a move. I think if he really cared for me he wouldn't let anything stop him. He is very shy, also. I really like him and don't want to ruin our friendship in anyway. What do you think should I move on or make the move myself?
VictorM's advice:
Oh boy, are you playing with fire. You work in the same small office and he's your boss. That's a recipe for trouble. I think between the two of you, he's thinking straight, you're not.
Forget what your friends thing. People often mistake enjoying someone's company for having romantic feelings.
You say IF he really liked you he would stop at nothing. I say IF you really care, you should quit your job there (after all, he has the better position) and then be open about your feelings. See, this "stopping at nothing" attitude is a two way street, it applies to you too.
So, do you care enough about him to ensure that he doesn't lose his job? If you're willing to switch jobs, talk to him about your feelings, otherwise, just enjoy the friendship.
I have a guy friend who I hang out with all the time. Mostly with a group a few times just the two of us. ALL our friends say he likes me. But he has never tried to kiss me or anything. To complicate matters he and I work in the same small office and he was just promoted to be my boss. Our friends say if we didn't work together they think he would make a move. I think if he really cared for me he wouldn't let anything stop him. He is very shy, also. I really like him and don't want to ruin our friendship in anyway. What do you think should I move on or make the move myself?
VictorM's advice:
Oh boy, are you playing with fire. You work in the same small office and he's your boss. That's a recipe for trouble. I think between the two of you, he's thinking straight, you're not.
Forget what your friends thing. People often mistake enjoying someone's company for having romantic feelings.
You say IF he really liked you he would stop at nothing. I say IF you really care, you should quit your job there (after all, he has the better position) and then be open about your feelings. See, this "stopping at nothing" attitude is a two way street, it applies to you too.
So, do you care enough about him to ensure that he doesn't lose his job? If you're willing to switch jobs, talk to him about your feelings, otherwise, just enjoy the friendship.
He can't do it again for hours
charlotte, 18, asks:
This might be a strange question, but I just wanted to know. I have been with my fiancee for 2 and a half years. He is the only guy I have slept with. We are really close and love doing things together. When we have sex, he comes once and says he can't do it again till hours have passed. I just wanted to know, is this normal? How long does a guy have to wait before he can have another orgasm? I'm worried he could be hiding something from me or something may be wrong.
VictorM's advice:
"In sexual intercourse, the refractory period is a recovery phase after male ejaculation during which it is physiologically impossible for almost all men to experience sustained erection and additional ejaculations or orgasms. The penis may be hypersensitive and further sexual stimulation may even feel painful during this time frame. The refractory period varies widely between individuals, ranging from minutes to hours."
I don't know if you're exaggerating when you say hours, or it just feels that way. But it's safe to say that about one hour or so is not unusual. But taking longer could also be OK and not a sign of anything abnormal if, for example, he lasts a long time before he ejaculates and/or is not in good physical shape (couch potatoes and overweight men are more prone to taking longer to be ready again.)
Maybe you should get him to drink Red Bull. :) (Just kidding).
In any case, if it's really hours before he's ready again, and he's not overweight or out of shape, you should encourage him to see a doctor about it, just in case. Chances are there's nothing wrong and he's not hiding anything, but why not check with a professional anyway?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
This might be a strange question, but I just wanted to know. I have been with my fiancee for 2 and a half years. He is the only guy I have slept with. We are really close and love doing things together. When we have sex, he comes once and says he can't do it again till hours have passed. I just wanted to know, is this normal? How long does a guy have to wait before he can have another orgasm? I'm worried he could be hiding something from me or something may be wrong.
VictorM's advice:
"In sexual intercourse, the refractory period is a recovery phase after male ejaculation during which it is physiologically impossible for almost all men to experience sustained erection and additional ejaculations or orgasms. The penis may be hypersensitive and further sexual stimulation may even feel painful during this time frame. The refractory period varies widely between individuals, ranging from minutes to hours."
I don't know if you're exaggerating when you say hours, or it just feels that way. But it's safe to say that about one hour or so is not unusual. But taking longer could also be OK and not a sign of anything abnormal if, for example, he lasts a long time before he ejaculates and/or is not in good physical shape (couch potatoes and overweight men are more prone to taking longer to be ready again.)
Maybe you should get him to drink Red Bull. :) (Just kidding).
In any case, if it's really hours before he's ready again, and he's not overweight or out of shape, you should encourage him to see a doctor about it, just in case. Chances are there's nothing wrong and he's not hiding anything, but why not check with a professional anyway?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Out of love out of the blue
joanie, 24, asks:
I've been seeing someone for a long time who I love more than anything. We both want to stay together forever. It seems like we were made for each other. But I dated someone else before, and after a year and a half, out of nowhere, they just fell out of love with me and we broke up. Now I get scared that the same thing will happen, even though I know it won't. We talk about it all the time. What can I do?
VictorM's advice:
Stop living in la-la-land. It could happen all over again and believing it won't happen is avoiding reality. Every relationship could end tomorrow, whether due to one partner falling out of love, falling in love with someone else, death, etc. Being in love with someone is taking a risk with your emotions. It is because it could end that you should do it with energy and live as if today is the last day of that relationship. And then you do it again tomorrow, and the day after and so on. Maybe it will last a lifetime, maybe it won't. But if you put your energies into that loving relationship one day at a time, you will have no regrets if or when it ends. Otherwise, if you're too cautious, you're just cheating yourself.
And just look at yourself. Did the ending of the last relationship prevent you from falling in love again? Of course not. You love this new guy and today he loves you back. Love recklessly today, I say, and to hell with worrying tomorrow!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been seeing someone for a long time who I love more than anything. We both want to stay together forever. It seems like we were made for each other. But I dated someone else before, and after a year and a half, out of nowhere, they just fell out of love with me and we broke up. Now I get scared that the same thing will happen, even though I know it won't. We talk about it all the time. What can I do?
VictorM's advice:
Stop living in la-la-land. It could happen all over again and believing it won't happen is avoiding reality. Every relationship could end tomorrow, whether due to one partner falling out of love, falling in love with someone else, death, etc. Being in love with someone is taking a risk with your emotions. It is because it could end that you should do it with energy and live as if today is the last day of that relationship. And then you do it again tomorrow, and the day after and so on. Maybe it will last a lifetime, maybe it won't. But if you put your energies into that loving relationship one day at a time, you will have no regrets if or when it ends. Otherwise, if you're too cautious, you're just cheating yourself.
And just look at yourself. Did the ending of the last relationship prevent you from falling in love again? Of course not. You love this new guy and today he loves you back. Love recklessly today, I say, and to hell with worrying tomorrow!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, June 26, 2006
On and off
maria ramos, 27, from Washington, DC asks:
My boyfriend and I have been on and off (mostly on) for 11 years. We talk about marriage and being forever and kids, but he hasn't proposed. We spend a lot of time together, but I have suspected him of cheating and have actually caught him. I think that he's been cheating all along but he always has a good answer to defend himself. I am confused. I have a feeling he is playing me, but I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him. What do you suggest me to do? Stay with him? Will he ever truly commit to one person, ME?
VictorM's advice:
He has a good answer to defend himself when he cheats? Tell him to write a book -- he'll make millions! But actually, I don't believe you. You must just be terribly gullible and weak. You can't imagine life without him, so you put up with the abuse. He doesn't have any good answers; you just have lack of self-respect.
No, I don't think he'll ever stop cheating because why would he? He always comes up with "a good answer" and so he doesn't have to change his ways. He can have you and anyone else he hooks up with.
I suggest you look the other way and stop catching him, this way you won't have to pretend to believe all his bullshit, and you won't have to make any tough decisions.
Oh, one more thing: why would he propose to you? Guys usually like to marry someone they can respect.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have been on and off (mostly on) for 11 years. We talk about marriage and being forever and kids, but he hasn't proposed. We spend a lot of time together, but I have suspected him of cheating and have actually caught him. I think that he's been cheating all along but he always has a good answer to defend himself. I am confused. I have a feeling he is playing me, but I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him. What do you suggest me to do? Stay with him? Will he ever truly commit to one person, ME?
VictorM's advice:
He has a good answer to defend himself when he cheats? Tell him to write a book -- he'll make millions! But actually, I don't believe you. You must just be terribly gullible and weak. You can't imagine life without him, so you put up with the abuse. He doesn't have any good answers; you just have lack of self-respect.
No, I don't think he'll ever stop cheating because why would he? He always comes up with "a good answer" and so he doesn't have to change his ways. He can have you and anyone else he hooks up with.
I suggest you look the other way and stop catching him, this way you won't have to pretend to believe all his bullshit, and you won't have to make any tough decisions.
Oh, one more thing: why would he propose to you? Guys usually like to marry someone they can respect.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Flirtitious girlfriend
T.J., 16, from Iowa asks:
I have been going out with my girl friend for a few weeks now. Before I asked her out, I knew she was a bit flirtatious, but I hoped that it would stop after we started going out. After about a week, I couldn't take it anymore. So I talked to her about it. Everything worked out until a few days ago. She's back at it again, probably worse than before. I really like this girl, but I don't know what to do. Should I give her another chance? How much of it is her fault, and how much is it the other guys' fault?
VictorM's advice:
It's not the other guys' fault at all because even if they flirt with her she doesn't have to flirt back. It would be nice if the guys would respect you (if they are friends of yours) but the truth is they owe you nothing. It's really up to her.
Flirting, in this case, seems to be a sign of both immaturity and lack of respect for you. It doesn't mean she's not a nice girl, just one not ready for a serious relationship yet.
You can give her another chance, but she's not going to change just because you ask. Is she worth the aggravation? It's your call but consider that sometimes we run into the wrong person or the right person at the wrong time. You need to recognize when that happens and have the willpower to not sacrifice your self-respect because someone else lacks hers.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been going out with my girl friend for a few weeks now. Before I asked her out, I knew she was a bit flirtatious, but I hoped that it would stop after we started going out. After about a week, I couldn't take it anymore. So I talked to her about it. Everything worked out until a few days ago. She's back at it again, probably worse than before. I really like this girl, but I don't know what to do. Should I give her another chance? How much of it is her fault, and how much is it the other guys' fault?
VictorM's advice:
It's not the other guys' fault at all because even if they flirt with her she doesn't have to flirt back. It would be nice if the guys would respect you (if they are friends of yours) but the truth is they owe you nothing. It's really up to her.
Flirting, in this case, seems to be a sign of both immaturity and lack of respect for you. It doesn't mean she's not a nice girl, just one not ready for a serious relationship yet.
You can give her another chance, but she's not going to change just because you ask. Is she worth the aggravation? It's your call but consider that sometimes we run into the wrong person or the right person at the wrong time. You need to recognize when that happens and have the willpower to not sacrifice your self-respect because someone else lacks hers.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Broken up but in love
Kate, 25, from UK asks:
My boyfriend has broken up with me saying he doesn't know what he wants but he loves me more than anything and always will. I don't understand it. Please help!
VictorM's answer:
He may not know what he wants, but he knows he doesn't want you. He just doesn't want to say it to your face. "He loves me... and always will" really means he just doesn't want to see you cry in front of him. Maybe he even thinks you're a nice person, but that's about it. Capiche?
Move on, Kate. Move on.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend has broken up with me saying he doesn't know what he wants but he loves me more than anything and always will. I don't understand it. Please help!
VictorM's answer:
He may not know what he wants, but he knows he doesn't want you. He just doesn't want to say it to your face. "He loves me... and always will" really means he just doesn't want to see you cry in front of him. Maybe he even thinks you're a nice person, but that's about it. Capiche?
Move on, Kate. Move on.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Having his baby
arielle, 17, from euclid oh asks:
I've been dating this boy for 7 months and I am having his baby girl. Last night we got into an argument because he has started hurting my feelings lately and he doesn't seem to know it, like for example: we would be talking on the phone and he would bring up how he wants to get on this dating web site called myspace.com. Now I told him that it was for dating but he insisted that there was another part where you could communicate and let others hear your music, now because I know that on myspace.com no matter whether you're in the dating part or not girls will still send him invitations and show flix of other females who he could choose to date, so I kindly asked him not to go on that and he flat out tells me "NO! I'm going on it whether you say so or not" and this is not the first time he has said something like that to me. Another thing is he doesn't tell me he loves me like he did. In fact, he only says it once a month or if I say it to him then he will say it back, he has made it a habit to hang up on me when we argue instead of trying to work it out. I am trying my best to show him how much I love him, I cook for him when he comes over, I give him back rubs, I tell him I love him and kiss him every chance I get, I tell him how much I miss him when we haven't spoken all day, and I have never done this with past relationships but I've told him that I would like to marry him one day because I love him and he's the father of my unborn, I even try to be romantic to him still and I love him even though he does what he does and sometimes hurt my feelings. Also sometimes he tells me that he wants to get married when I ask him but he doesn't like to talk about it or he huffs and puffs, he also does that when I tell him I miss him, love him, need him, and care about him sometimes I think he won't realize how good I am to him unless I leave him but no matter how much I try not to call him I give in or he calls me and gets me back loving him. Last night we had an argument because I could tell our relationship is going down hill because we always seem to argue when I express my feelings to him so I offer to fix things and work it out so we can go back to how we use to be but he kept getting frustrated about it and I have been trying for the past month to make it work so last night I just threw my hands up and said forget it. He agreed and I hung up so basically we broke up last night. At least I think we did because he usually turns his phone completely off after we argue and goes to sleep but when I called him back 5 min later it rang he picked up and didn't say a word so I told him that I was still coming over to braid his mom's hair today and he was like ok call her when your ready, so I was like ok by and instead of him just hanging up he said I love you and I got quiet because I was shocked. That's something he hasn't said in a while and he said it again and I said it back and we hung up. Today I'm going over his house to do his mom's hair. What do you think i should do, ignore him or what? Do you think he loves me for real? I think I am the best girl from the last two because they cheated on him and broke his heart I have never and will never do such a thing and has completely showed him how much I love him. So now what? I just don't want to be wasting my time thinking he loves me when he doesn't. He knows I am attractive and so is he but he hates the thought of another guy trying to talk to me so does he have the courage to leave me or work it out what do you think? You're a guy. Put yourself in this situation. Am I doing anything wrong? Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are doing something wrong: you're seeing the whole thing purely from a girl's perspective and expecting him to like the same things that you do. All the "wonderful" things you do for him, you do because that's what you'd like to be done for you. But guys are different. You need to consider what he likes and how he thinks before you jump to the conclusion that you're so wonderful.
MySpace is not a dating site, even if guys and girls may hook up. He's right; people go to that site for a lot of other reasons. The truth is, if he's bent on meeting other girls, he will, whether at that site of another. Your request was unreasonable and he put his foot down with you. Could he have said it better? Of course. But you both sounds amazingly immature, so you'll get these bumps on the road.
You didn't break-up. You had a little spat. You shouldn't ignore him. He said he loved you and it's time for you to look beyond this silly argument.
Get used to a few things. Guys don't go around saying "I love you" as much as girls do. It's a fact. If he doesn't see you one day he knows he'll see you the next, so saying "I missed you" often is a girl's thing. Guys are much more practical. Don't take it personally and get used to it.
From a guy's point of view you seem too uptight and too clingy. Ease up on all the need for attention and for verbalizing your feelings and just have fun with him. Do fun things, go to fun places, laugh, and relax. (Yeah, I know... I'm asking for a minor miracle.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been dating this boy for 7 months and I am having his baby girl. Last night we got into an argument because he has started hurting my feelings lately and he doesn't seem to know it, like for example: we would be talking on the phone and he would bring up how he wants to get on this dating web site called myspace.com. Now I told him that it was for dating but he insisted that there was another part where you could communicate and let others hear your music, now because I know that on myspace.com no matter whether you're in the dating part or not girls will still send him invitations and show flix of other females who he could choose to date, so I kindly asked him not to go on that and he flat out tells me "NO! I'm going on it whether you say so or not" and this is not the first time he has said something like that to me. Another thing is he doesn't tell me he loves me like he did. In fact, he only says it once a month or if I say it to him then he will say it back, he has made it a habit to hang up on me when we argue instead of trying to work it out. I am trying my best to show him how much I love him, I cook for him when he comes over, I give him back rubs, I tell him I love him and kiss him every chance I get, I tell him how much I miss him when we haven't spoken all day, and I have never done this with past relationships but I've told him that I would like to marry him one day because I love him and he's the father of my unborn, I even try to be romantic to him still and I love him even though he does what he does and sometimes hurt my feelings. Also sometimes he tells me that he wants to get married when I ask him but he doesn't like to talk about it or he huffs and puffs, he also does that when I tell him I miss him, love him, need him, and care about him sometimes I think he won't realize how good I am to him unless I leave him but no matter how much I try not to call him I give in or he calls me and gets me back loving him. Last night we had an argument because I could tell our relationship is going down hill because we always seem to argue when I express my feelings to him so I offer to fix things and work it out so we can go back to how we use to be but he kept getting frustrated about it and I have been trying for the past month to make it work so last night I just threw my hands up and said forget it. He agreed and I hung up so basically we broke up last night. At least I think we did because he usually turns his phone completely off after we argue and goes to sleep but when I called him back 5 min later it rang he picked up and didn't say a word so I told him that I was still coming over to braid his mom's hair today and he was like ok call her when your ready, so I was like ok by and instead of him just hanging up he said I love you and I got quiet because I was shocked. That's something he hasn't said in a while and he said it again and I said it back and we hung up. Today I'm going over his house to do his mom's hair. What do you think i should do, ignore him or what? Do you think he loves me for real? I think I am the best girl from the last two because they cheated on him and broke his heart I have never and will never do such a thing and has completely showed him how much I love him. So now what? I just don't want to be wasting my time thinking he loves me when he doesn't. He knows I am attractive and so is he but he hates the thought of another guy trying to talk to me so does he have the courage to leave me or work it out what do you think? You're a guy. Put yourself in this situation. Am I doing anything wrong? Please help!
VictorM's advice:
Yes, you are doing something wrong: you're seeing the whole thing purely from a girl's perspective and expecting him to like the same things that you do. All the "wonderful" things you do for him, you do because that's what you'd like to be done for you. But guys are different. You need to consider what he likes and how he thinks before you jump to the conclusion that you're so wonderful.
MySpace is not a dating site, even if guys and girls may hook up. He's right; people go to that site for a lot of other reasons. The truth is, if he's bent on meeting other girls, he will, whether at that site of another. Your request was unreasonable and he put his foot down with you. Could he have said it better? Of course. But you both sounds amazingly immature, so you'll get these bumps on the road.
You didn't break-up. You had a little spat. You shouldn't ignore him. He said he loved you and it's time for you to look beyond this silly argument.
Get used to a few things. Guys don't go around saying "I love you" as much as girls do. It's a fact. If he doesn't see you one day he knows he'll see you the next, so saying "I missed you" often is a girl's thing. Guys are much more practical. Don't take it personally and get used to it.
From a guy's point of view you seem too uptight and too clingy. Ease up on all the need for attention and for verbalizing your feelings and just have fun with him. Do fun things, go to fun places, laugh, and relax. (Yeah, I know... I'm asking for a minor miracle.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Showing love
toni mapp, 27, from southend on sea asks:
My boyfriend always tells me that he loves me but doesn't really show it. He works away so I don't see him much so why doesn't he show me he loves me? He does work hard and I know his tired but I just need to feel more loved. What shall I do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you mean by showing he loves you. What are you looking for? Flowers? Gifts? Romantic dinners? In any case, most guys are very practical and don't feel the need to show or say the obvious. Maybe you need to be clear with him that there are certain things you'd love for him to do/say. But please, don't say it as if you're reprimending him or complaining. Do it as a way of helping him get moresex attention from you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend always tells me that he loves me but doesn't really show it. He works away so I don't see him much so why doesn't he show me he loves me? He does work hard and I know his tired but I just need to feel more loved. What shall I do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what you mean by showing he loves you. What are you looking for? Flowers? Gifts? Romantic dinners? In any case, most guys are very practical and don't feel the need to show or say the obvious. Maybe you need to be clear with him that there are certain things you'd love for him to do/say. But please, don't say it as if you're reprimending him or complaining. Do it as a way of helping him get more
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Nothing was official
Jess, 27, from New Zealand asks:
I have been seeing a guy for 2 months but nothing was official as to whether we were together so I asked him where I stood and he said he had never had a girlfriend and does not know much about being in a relationship but was falling in love with me but had not expected it to happen and is not ready to settle down as he plans to travel and do other things first! Then he left. Should I just let him go?
VictorM's advice:
What do you want to do, chain him to the wall? Of course you let him go. If he's in love with you he'll come back. But when guys are faced with the utterly dreaded "where do we stand?" question they'll say the darndest things just to be able to get away with their testicles intact. Don't believe a word of it until deeds back those words up.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been seeing a guy for 2 months but nothing was official as to whether we were together so I asked him where I stood and he said he had never had a girlfriend and does not know much about being in a relationship but was falling in love with me but had not expected it to happen and is not ready to settle down as he plans to travel and do other things first! Then he left. Should I just let him go?
VictorM's advice:
What do you want to do, chain him to the wall? Of course you let him go. If he's in love with you he'll come back. But when guys are faced with the utterly dreaded "where do we stand?" question they'll say the darndest things just to be able to get away with their testicles intact. Don't believe a word of it until deeds back those words up.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Boyfriend going away
Sandy, 16, from: US asks:
Hello Victor M.!I wanted to ask you, my boyfriend is going away for college soon, and I wanted to know if you had any good ideas for dates or special events that we could do together. From a guy's point of view, I don't know exactly what is lame, or what is special..although I know it's different for each guy. If you were going off to college, and you were spending extra time with your girlfriend, what types of activities or events would you want to do with her that would make you look back on them in college and smile..and be glad to see her again? I know hanging out might do the trick, but I want to make this summer the greatest for both of us. If you have any advice on what we could do, what I could do personally (what I could talk about, how I act, etc), before he leaves? By the way...should I not mention anything about him leaving? We've already discussed that we are going to still date, but should I not bring it up (about how sad I am..etc) until that day?Also, I won't see him all the time when he leaves..probably about every 2 or 3 1/2 weeks. Is there anything I can do, while he's gone, to spark the relationship and make him still want to be with me although we're miles apart? Thanks a lot! I really appreciate your help and need it the most right now. Sandy
VictorM's advice:
As a girl you're thinking of memorable events, as a guy he'll prefer memorable moments. Just being with you is enough. Time alone is great. By all means do things that you know he likes, but unless you know of specific things, just be with him. And please, do NOT get weepy and clingy and sad. If you keep bringing up how sad you will be you'll just spoil the moment.
Other than that, you love each other now, so don't start doing anything different now. Be as you have always been. That's who he fell in love with and that's what will keep him hooked to you.
One thing: after he leaves, do not send him nude pictures! I'm not kidding. The risk of them winding up on the Internet are too high.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hello Victor M.!I wanted to ask you, my boyfriend is going away for college soon, and I wanted to know if you had any good ideas for dates or special events that we could do together. From a guy's point of view, I don't know exactly what is lame, or what is special..although I know it's different for each guy. If you were going off to college, and you were spending extra time with your girlfriend, what types of activities or events would you want to do with her that would make you look back on them in college and smile..and be glad to see her again? I know hanging out might do the trick, but I want to make this summer the greatest for both of us. If you have any advice on what we could do, what I could do personally (what I could talk about, how I act, etc), before he leaves? By the way...should I not mention anything about him leaving? We've already discussed that we are going to still date, but should I not bring it up (about how sad I am..etc) until that day?Also, I won't see him all the time when he leaves..probably about every 2 or 3 1/2 weeks. Is there anything I can do, while he's gone, to spark the relationship and make him still want to be with me although we're miles apart? Thanks a lot! I really appreciate your help and need it the most right now. Sandy
VictorM's advice:
As a girl you're thinking of memorable events, as a guy he'll prefer memorable moments. Just being with you is enough. Time alone is great. By all means do things that you know he likes, but unless you know of specific things, just be with him. And please, do NOT get weepy and clingy and sad. If you keep bringing up how sad you will be you'll just spoil the moment.
Other than that, you love each other now, so don't start doing anything different now. Be as you have always been. That's who he fell in love with and that's what will keep him hooked to you.
One thing: after he leaves, do not send him nude pictures! I'm not kidding. The risk of them winding up on the Internet are too high.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Questioning his religion
Nana, 20, from texas asks:
I have been engaged for about a year now. My fiance is in the military so whenever he comes down it is a treat. We always have great sex and we both love it. The other day we were talking about religion and he tried to say that he is religious. I tried to ask him why he thinks he is so religious if he has sex with me and we are not married yet. At this he completely turned defensive and said that he is not going to have sex with me anymore until we are married. I cherish the time that I get to have with him and that is one of the ways that I show him that I love him, and of course cause the sex is great. I feel really hurt and rejected and I have told him that I was not trying to question his religion, it was just a question. But he won't listen and he says he won't change his mind. I am a very sexual person, especially since I rarely see him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I doubt very much he'll be able to resist having sex with you. But frankly, that is far from what your major concern should be. If this guy can't talk about an issue like this and refuses to communicate about what seemed like a perfectly good and simple question, you have to wonder about his ability to communicate about other issues down the road.
As I see it, the big problem here isn't the sex or the religion, but about his unwillingness to talk about it. Men who shut down like little children when confronted with a stance they can't justify will be very unpleasant people to live with.
This is a huge red flag being raised right before your eyes. Don't look the other way. If you can't convince him he needs to talk about this, your life is going to become very complicated.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been engaged for about a year now. My fiance is in the military so whenever he comes down it is a treat. We always have great sex and we both love it. The other day we were talking about religion and he tried to say that he is religious. I tried to ask him why he thinks he is so religious if he has sex with me and we are not married yet. At this he completely turned defensive and said that he is not going to have sex with me anymore until we are married. I cherish the time that I get to have with him and that is one of the ways that I show him that I love him, and of course cause the sex is great. I feel really hurt and rejected and I have told him that I was not trying to question his religion, it was just a question. But he won't listen and he says he won't change his mind. I am a very sexual person, especially since I rarely see him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I doubt very much he'll be able to resist having sex with you. But frankly, that is far from what your major concern should be. If this guy can't talk about an issue like this and refuses to communicate about what seemed like a perfectly good and simple question, you have to wonder about his ability to communicate about other issues down the road.
As I see it, the big problem here isn't the sex or the religion, but about his unwillingness to talk about it. Men who shut down like little children when confronted with a stance they can't justify will be very unpleasant people to live with.
This is a huge red flag being raised right before your eyes. Don't look the other way. If you can't convince him he needs to talk about this, your life is going to become very complicated.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Lots of female friends
Renea GA, 37, from North Carolina asks:
What does it mean when a guy that you just met tells you that he does not have a lot of male friends, but he has a lot of female friends?
VictorM's answer:
My guess is he's trying to let you know that he's a sensitive guy, not a bar-hopping, sports fanatic, adjust his family jewels in public, fart and burp kinda guy.
He sounds boring to me. :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What does it mean when a guy that you just met tells you that he does not have a lot of male friends, but he has a lot of female friends?
VictorM's answer:
My guess is he's trying to let you know that he's a sensitive guy, not a bar-hopping, sports fanatic, adjust his family jewels in public, fart and burp kinda guy.
He sounds boring to me. :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, June 23, 2006
In love with a younger guy
Mother_gooze, 23, from Netherlands asks:
Hi, I'm 23, I have a young son, and I'm in love with someone a couple of years younger then me. I really don't know what to do. I'm sure he really likes me, and is attracted to me, not only in a physical way, but he holds back, when things get intense. Could it be he's scared because I have a child? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
There are a lot of reasons for him to be scared: you're older, you have a child, and he's very young. These 3 factors are very good reasons to make sure things between you two go very slow before he decides if he wants a steady relationship with you. Dealing with a woman who has someone else's child is not an easy issue to deal with, specially when you're only twenty.
My advice: be patient, be understanding, and don't pressure him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi, I'm 23, I have a young son, and I'm in love with someone a couple of years younger then me. I really don't know what to do. I'm sure he really likes me, and is attracted to me, not only in a physical way, but he holds back, when things get intense. Could it be he's scared because I have a child? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
There are a lot of reasons for him to be scared: you're older, you have a child, and he's very young. These 3 factors are very good reasons to make sure things between you two go very slow before he decides if he wants a steady relationship with you. Dealing with a woman who has someone else's child is not an easy issue to deal with, specially when you're only twenty.
My advice: be patient, be understanding, and don't pressure him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What after?
Adam, from cardiff asks:
When you begin foreplay and then penetration what do you do after you've cummed?
VictorM's answer:
You pay her, get dressed, and go home.
When you begin foreplay and then penetration what do you do after you've cummed?
VictorM's answer:
You pay her, get dressed, and go home.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
My first love
Denise, 26, from Ann Arbor, MI. asks:
For 11 years I have been friends/lovers with my first love. He moved away for 14 months and returned to find out we had a 7 month old child, his first child. We are expecting another child in 2 months. He sleeps around and is constantly telling me that he is not ready to get married. I cook for him, do anything for him, waits weeks at a time to see him and when he comes he won't show me any affection because he doesn't want me to want him exclusively. With that said, he will stop providing for me if I date a guy. How can I get him to overcome his fears of commitment and allow himself to realize he loves me and should be here with me and his children? Is it a hopeless dream I'm holding on to or do I just wait until he's ready for me? It's so depressing!
VictorM's advice:
So you screw him and you cook for him. Big deal! Forget about his fears of commitment. He's not afraid! He just doesn't have to!
You are a weak and scared woman who is paralyzed by your dependence on him. Until you change, nothing about him will. He can't love you because he has no respect for you. You are his concubine, not his lover.
What is there about you to love? I wish you're write back and tell me that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
For 11 years I have been friends/lovers with my first love. He moved away for 14 months and returned to find out we had a 7 month old child, his first child. We are expecting another child in 2 months. He sleeps around and is constantly telling me that he is not ready to get married. I cook for him, do anything for him, waits weeks at a time to see him and when he comes he won't show me any affection because he doesn't want me to want him exclusively. With that said, he will stop providing for me if I date a guy. How can I get him to overcome his fears of commitment and allow himself to realize he loves me and should be here with me and his children? Is it a hopeless dream I'm holding on to or do I just wait until he's ready for me? It's so depressing!
VictorM's advice:
So you screw him and you cook for him. Big deal! Forget about his fears of commitment. He's not afraid! He just doesn't have to!
You are a weak and scared woman who is paralyzed by your dependence on him. Until you change, nothing about him will. He can't love you because he has no respect for you. You are his concubine, not his lover.
What is there about you to love? I wish you're write back and tell me that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
If you are married
dayanara, 31, from new york asks:
If a guy that you know for a really long time asks you if you are married, what does that really means?
VictorM's answer:
Could mean a lot of things:
-- He could be interested in you, but if he is I assume he'd also ask if you have a boyfriend.
-- He could be wondering how anyone in their right mind would marry someone like you (hey, don't take this personally cause I don't know you, just saying...)
-- He could be looking for partners for the coed bowling league.
-- He could just be nosey.
But whatever his reason, I don't think you can draw any intelligent conclusion from the question.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
If a guy that you know for a really long time asks you if you are married, what does that really means?
VictorM's answer:
Could mean a lot of things:
-- He could be interested in you, but if he is I assume he'd also ask if you have a boyfriend.
-- He could be wondering how anyone in their right mind would marry someone like you (hey, don't take this personally cause I don't know you, just saying...)
-- He could be looking for partners for the coed bowling league.
-- He could just be nosey.
But whatever his reason, I don't think you can draw any intelligent conclusion from the question.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
How do I know
Seane, 15, from Johannesburg asks:
How do I know a guy likes me?
VictorM's answer:
If he changes his behavior when he's around you. For example, if he's being a clown around his friends and he gets more serious when you arrive, chances are he likes you. Stuff like that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How do I know a guy likes me?
VictorM's answer:
If he changes his behavior when he's around you. For example, if he's being a clown around his friends and he gets more serious when you arrive, chances are he likes you. Stuff like that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
First move
haley, 13, from pa asks:
Do guys prefer girls make the first move and if so what's the best way to do it?
VictorM's answer:
No, they do not. Not at your age anyway. Young boys are out to prove their manhood and they have the need to succeed in the conquest phase of a relationship. Your job is to tease them and flirt with them to the point their testicles are ready to explode... then you walk away and watch them chase you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Do guys prefer girls make the first move and if so what's the best way to do it?
VictorM's answer:
No, they do not. Not at your age anyway. Young boys are out to prove their manhood and they have the need to succeed in the conquest phase of a relationship. Your job is to tease them and flirt with them to the point their testicles are ready to explode... then you walk away and watch them chase you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I never see him
shannon, 14, from oklahoma asks:
Okay I am really confused! I have been going out with my boyfriend for 8 months, almost 9! But there is one problem. He doesn't call me or I never see him outside of school! Now that it's summer I don't talk to him or see him at all! Everyone says I need to break up with him but I can't seem to do it! I have been wanting to break up for a while but I don't know why it's so hard for me to do it. The last few weeks my school had left i started liking this other guy. The problem is I know he won't ever like me because I am not pretty enough for him or skinny enough! I am not trying to be mean to myself it's just I can't find another guy because I'm not skinny but besides that I don't know what to do! Can you please help me??
VictorM's advice:
If you never get to talk to your boyfriend I can see why it would be so hard to break-up with him -- he's never around for you to tell him. But if he's never around and you don't talk, then why do you say he's your boyfriend? He's not! Write him an email, leave a voice mail, send a note with a pigeon, use smoke signals, whatever, just tell him you and him are done.
As for the other guy not liking you because you're not skinny or pretty... that's bullshit! You can't assume that. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and most guys don't read all those crappy girly magazines that say you need to look this way or that way for them to like you. Those magazines' intention is to sell you products, not build up your confidence. The truth is that guys interest in skinny girls only is a myth. Look around you. How many non-skinny, not so pretty girls do you see with boyfriends? A lot, I bet. So don't sell yourself short and don't assume what this boy might or might not like. Treat him nicely, make him feel great when he's around you, and you'll have him by theballs heart.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Okay I am really confused! I have been going out with my boyfriend for 8 months, almost 9! But there is one problem. He doesn't call me or I never see him outside of school! Now that it's summer I don't talk to him or see him at all! Everyone says I need to break up with him but I can't seem to do it! I have been wanting to break up for a while but I don't know why it's so hard for me to do it. The last few weeks my school had left i started liking this other guy. The problem is I know he won't ever like me because I am not pretty enough for him or skinny enough! I am not trying to be mean to myself it's just I can't find another guy because I'm not skinny but besides that I don't know what to do! Can you please help me??
VictorM's advice:
If you never get to talk to your boyfriend I can see why it would be so hard to break-up with him -- he's never around for you to tell him. But if he's never around and you don't talk, then why do you say he's your boyfriend? He's not! Write him an email, leave a voice mail, send a note with a pigeon, use smoke signals, whatever, just tell him you and him are done.
As for the other guy not liking you because you're not skinny or pretty... that's bullshit! You can't assume that. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and most guys don't read all those crappy girly magazines that say you need to look this way or that way for them to like you. Those magazines' intention is to sell you products, not build up your confidence. The truth is that guys interest in skinny girls only is a myth. Look around you. How many non-skinny, not so pretty girls do you see with boyfriends? A lot, I bet. So don't sell yourself short and don't assume what this boy might or might not like. Treat him nicely, make him feel great when he's around you, and you'll have him by the
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I gave it up to him
mandy, 21, asks:
I was seeing this guy for 4 months. I was a virgin and finally after he was so wonderful and caring for all that time I gave it up to him. He, right after sex, asked me if I was interested in a 3 some with another woman he knew and said he didn't want a relationship with me. What's up with that? He got what he wanted and broke my heart.
VictorM's advice:
I'm sorry to hear it. Just goes to show you the extent to which some guys exercise patience to get sex.
Good people often get tricked by people without scruples. Despite your loss of virginity and broken heart you're still better off than him; you have your dignity and self-respect, which is more than we can say for him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was seeing this guy for 4 months. I was a virgin and finally after he was so wonderful and caring for all that time I gave it up to him. He, right after sex, asked me if I was interested in a 3 some with another woman he knew and said he didn't want a relationship with me. What's up with that? He got what he wanted and broke my heart.
VictorM's advice:
I'm sorry to hear it. Just goes to show you the extent to which some guys exercise patience to get sex.
Good people often get tricked by people without scruples. Despite your loss of virginity and broken heart you're still better off than him; you have your dignity and self-respect, which is more than we can say for him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Way intense
Rebecca, 30, from: Phoenix asks:
I've been seeing this guy since February. At first it was way intense, with him saying "I love you" from the second week we were seeing each other. I never could say that back so quickly but I always let him know how terrific I think he is and would say that I'm really into him, etc. Anyway his life has been pretty problematic this year, mine too, and then there was some weirdness between us probably due to both of us being under a lot of stress, and then he grew rather distant, and though we saw each other often there was no sex for about 3-4 weeks, which really made me feel bad!! So we kind of reevaluated, said we shouldn't try to be so serious, and twice since then we have hung out, had a really nice time, had sex, etc. I told him I'm not into having sex with anyone else right now and I'm still into him, risky I know, but I wanted him to know how I'm feeling since he had made comments about me having sex with all these other guys. The main thing here is, he doesn't call. I have to do the calling. I try not to do it often since I think he may need time to himself (though he's probably out looking for other girls to date), but when I do he is just the same on the phone, nice, etc. I've decided that even though I have to do the calling, I'm still reeealllly into him (other guys ask me out but the fireworks are with this guy) enough to keep calling him maybe once a week to ask him out, etc. I ask you, is this getting into 'psycho girl' territory? If he still wants to hang out I want to see if it grows into more again. Even though it hurts that he kind of backed off and part of me says forget him, I really think there is still potential. Or am I a fool?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not a fool. You are interested in him and you are making the effort to see him. As long as you aren't calling 2 or 3 times a day, it's fine. And as long as he's nice and engages you when you call, and continues to go out with you, he clearly isn't bothered by you.
This guy has cooled off from the early days, but that's not a bad thing; after being that gang-ho about you after only two weeks it's normal that he'd cool off. He probably realized he went over the top and is now playing it cool.
Guys tend to get lazy in relationships. Picking up the phone to call the girl is often something that guys hate doing. So you do it. He's probably happy that you call him.
If he ever gets enough of you, chances are he won't come out and say it straight. So if he starts brushing you off and coming up with excuses for not seeing you, get the clue.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been seeing this guy since February. At first it was way intense, with him saying "I love you" from the second week we were seeing each other. I never could say that back so quickly but I always let him know how terrific I think he is and would say that I'm really into him, etc. Anyway his life has been pretty problematic this year, mine too, and then there was some weirdness between us probably due to both of us being under a lot of stress, and then he grew rather distant, and though we saw each other often there was no sex for about 3-4 weeks, which really made me feel bad!! So we kind of reevaluated, said we shouldn't try to be so serious, and twice since then we have hung out, had a really nice time, had sex, etc. I told him I'm not into having sex with anyone else right now and I'm still into him, risky I know, but I wanted him to know how I'm feeling since he had made comments about me having sex with all these other guys. The main thing here is, he doesn't call. I have to do the calling. I try not to do it often since I think he may need time to himself (though he's probably out looking for other girls to date), but when I do he is just the same on the phone, nice, etc. I've decided that even though I have to do the calling, I'm still reeealllly into him (other guys ask me out but the fireworks are with this guy) enough to keep calling him maybe once a week to ask him out, etc. I ask you, is this getting into 'psycho girl' territory? If he still wants to hang out I want to see if it grows into more again. Even though it hurts that he kind of backed off and part of me says forget him, I really think there is still potential. Or am I a fool?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not a fool. You are interested in him and you are making the effort to see him. As long as you aren't calling 2 or 3 times a day, it's fine. And as long as he's nice and engages you when you call, and continues to go out with you, he clearly isn't bothered by you.
This guy has cooled off from the early days, but that's not a bad thing; after being that gang-ho about you after only two weeks it's normal that he'd cool off. He probably realized he went over the top and is now playing it cool.
Guys tend to get lazy in relationships. Picking up the phone to call the girl is often something that guys hate doing. So you do it. He's probably happy that you call him.
If he ever gets enough of you, chances are he won't come out and say it straight. So if he starts brushing you off and coming up with excuses for not seeing you, get the clue.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
They want him to get married
melissa, 18, from england asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. But I really have strong feelings for him already, as he has helped me through some difficult times. But he is just so different to other guys I have been with. The problem is everyone wants him to get married, (his friends, family etc.) he doesn't want to and I don't want him to either but should I just leave him now before I get hurt and always think about him or should I put in some real effort and maybe he will think otherwise. please help!!
VictorM's answer:
I really am not sure I understand the question. He doesn't want to get married and neither do do. You're in love with him. Why on Earth would you leave him now "before I get hurt"? Hurt how? And I have no idea what you mean by "maybe he will think otherwise".
I'm sorry but I don't get what you're really asking. Maybe you can send another submission explaining the situation a little further.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been with my boyfriend for a year now. But I really have strong feelings for him already, as he has helped me through some difficult times. But he is just so different to other guys I have been with. The problem is everyone wants him to get married, (his friends, family etc.) he doesn't want to and I don't want him to either but should I just leave him now before I get hurt and always think about him or should I put in some real effort and maybe he will think otherwise. please help!!
VictorM's answer:
I really am not sure I understand the question. He doesn't want to get married and neither do do. You're in love with him. Why on Earth would you leave him now "before I get hurt"? Hurt how? And I have no idea what you mean by "maybe he will think otherwise".
I'm sorry but I don't get what you're really asking. Maybe you can send another submission explaining the situation a little further.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Ex husband's fit
John, 41, from Nevada asks:
I have asked quite a few people this but another view point is always good. I met this girl who is spectacular. So not my type but the chemistry was overboard and I have always been open to all kinds of people. We talked and talked and really got to know each other. Then one day after we had lunch she told me that she could not talk to me anymore. Her ex husband had found out she was seeing me and threw a fit. She was so independent and strong to see her cave to an ex like this was baffling! A few of my friends speculated she may still be married but I know she is not. Some said she doesn't like you but if that is the case she deserves an academy award. For now I have let things cool off. I have not called or written her. Basically, I figure if she is interested she will be back. It would be hard to say no to her if she did come back but I don't want this problem with the ex to become habitual.
VictorM's advice:
As I read your submission, the first thought that came to me is that she might be dependent on the ex for financial support and she has no intentions of pissing him off as he may cut her off from money. If this is not the explanation, then her attitude is rather bizarre. Generally, pissing off an ex would be a bonus.
You are very right about being concerned of his undue influence on her. Regardless of your feelings for her, be very careful about this topic and make every effort to determine his role in her life. Dealing with anyone whose ex is in the picture is bad enough much less if that ex actually has an impact.
Also, don't overlook that maybe, just maybe, she is an academy award actress.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have asked quite a few people this but another view point is always good. I met this girl who is spectacular. So not my type but the chemistry was overboard and I have always been open to all kinds of people. We talked and talked and really got to know each other. Then one day after we had lunch she told me that she could not talk to me anymore. Her ex husband had found out she was seeing me and threw a fit. She was so independent and strong to see her cave to an ex like this was baffling! A few of my friends speculated she may still be married but I know she is not. Some said she doesn't like you but if that is the case she deserves an academy award. For now I have let things cool off. I have not called or written her. Basically, I figure if she is interested she will be back. It would be hard to say no to her if she did come back but I don't want this problem with the ex to become habitual.
VictorM's advice:
As I read your submission, the first thought that came to me is that she might be dependent on the ex for financial support and she has no intentions of pissing him off as he may cut her off from money. If this is not the explanation, then her attitude is rather bizarre. Generally, pissing off an ex would be a bonus.
You are very right about being concerned of his undue influence on her. Regardless of your feelings for her, be very careful about this topic and make every effort to determine his role in her life. Dealing with anyone whose ex is in the picture is bad enough much less if that ex actually has an impact.
Also, don't overlook that maybe, just maybe, she is an academy award actress.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, June 19, 2006
Wet
butch, 40, from wa asks:
Do men get wet when sexually excited?
VictorM's answer:
Yes. Very much so. Some take a little longer than others, some get wetter than others, but just about all do.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Do men get wet when sexually excited?
VictorM's answer:
Yes. Very much so. Some take a little longer than others, some get wetter than others, but just about all do.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Easy
Miranda, 18, from Va asks:
If you give it up to a guy on a first date are they more likely to think your "easy"? And what are some of the signs when you know a guy isn't in it just for a "piece"? Thanks!
VictorM's answer:
Yes, that's exactly what most guys will think. But more importantly is what they will feel -- that you're not a challenge anymore. Read the archives and you'll see lots of questions on the same topic: after guys had sex their interest on the girl ceased.
The best way to know what he's after is to withhold sex from him and seeing if he still sticks around.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
If you give it up to a guy on a first date are they more likely to think your "easy"? And what are some of the signs when you know a guy isn't in it just for a "piece"? Thanks!
VictorM's answer:
Yes, that's exactly what most guys will think. But more importantly is what they will feel -- that you're not a challenge anymore. Read the archives and you'll see lots of questions on the same topic: after guys had sex their interest on the girl ceased.
The best way to know what he's after is to withhold sex from him and seeing if he still sticks around.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
In the middle of a divorce
Sis, 22, from TN asks:
I'm in the middle of a divorce and have a child and I have been talking to this guy for 2 months. We are kinda getting serious but he said he doesn't want to get too serious until he gets back from Iraq in March which he leaves for in 1 1/2 months. What should I think? I mean he calls, text, or emails everyday, usually calls and we talk for 2 hours. We have a lot in common and we have a really great time and he accepts that my child is most important. I really want to be with him. Should I stick it out til March or is he just messing with me?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. His decision to wait until he comes back is sound. Besides, you've only been seeing him for two months, which clearly is not enough time to know people well enough.
You seem the impatient kind. Considering that at 22 you're already going through a divorce, the decision to wait should have come from you. I'd say you could use some patience. March isn't too far off and should give you time to complete your divorce. And when he comes back, take time to know him before you rush into another marriage.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm in the middle of a divorce and have a child and I have been talking to this guy for 2 months. We are kinda getting serious but he said he doesn't want to get too serious until he gets back from Iraq in March which he leaves for in 1 1/2 months. What should I think? I mean he calls, text, or emails everyday, usually calls and we talk for 2 hours. We have a lot in common and we have a really great time and he accepts that my child is most important. I really want to be with him. Should I stick it out til March or is he just messing with me?
VictorM's advice:
Sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. His decision to wait until he comes back is sound. Besides, you've only been seeing him for two months, which clearly is not enough time to know people well enough.
You seem the impatient kind. Considering that at 22 you're already going through a divorce, the decision to wait should have come from you. I'd say you could use some patience. March isn't too far off and should give you time to complete your divorce. And when he comes back, take time to know him before you rush into another marriage.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, June 18, 2006
I met a guy on the internet
Despina, 41, from England asks:
I met a guy on the internet..... we Emailed for almost 6 months and eventually met......When he got home he text me saying I just got in. I had a really good time. I text back saying I did to and if he wanted to do it again to let me know, if not I would understand and to take care. He then text back with the words I don't see any reason why we couldn't see each other again. That was two weeks ago ..... before we met he would text me at least once or twice a week. Now nothing! Should I forget him ... just wished he could have been straight!
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he went to Germany for the World Cup. Or he is on holidays in Madeira Island.
But anyway, don't expect a guy to be straight about something like this. It's not pleasant for most guys to tell a girl they're not interested in her. It's that simple. If he lost interest he'll just disappear.
But in any case, have you texted him? Maybe he's waiting for you thinking you lost interest in him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I met a guy on the internet..... we Emailed for almost 6 months and eventually met......When he got home he text me saying I just got in. I had a really good time. I text back saying I did to and if he wanted to do it again to let me know, if not I would understand and to take care. He then text back with the words I don't see any reason why we couldn't see each other again. That was two weeks ago ..... before we met he would text me at least once or twice a week. Now nothing! Should I forget him ... just wished he could have been straight!
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he went to Germany for the World Cup. Or he is on holidays in Madeira Island.
But anyway, don't expect a guy to be straight about something like this. It's not pleasant for most guys to tell a girl they're not interested in her. It's that simple. If he lost interest he'll just disappear.
But in any case, have you texted him? Maybe he's waiting for you thinking you lost interest in him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Man with many disadvantages
lila, 30, from dubai asks:
First thanks for your help advices dear. My problem that I have a relationship with a man who has many disadvantages but i like him because I feel that he will be good some day. He is shy, busy, chilly behavior, quiet not opening conversations, ambiguous not talking about himself and I don't know exactly what kind of lady he likes. He is not calling too much but he said to me I like you, I miss you always and I feel he wants to begin a relationship with me but afraid to be committed, and in the other hand he has a baby heart, sympathetic, tender heart and really I like him .. he is 36 old, business man and has a very high level of job which makes him more serious and away from me but I feel he needs emotions because some time he gives me signals like ( would you cook for me a dinner lila ) or ( what do you think of travelling a couple of day ) or some times he ( asking me do you miss me lila ) and by the way he is divorced because his wife has cheated him with a dirty relation with a man but I show him that I don't know his divorced reason because I don't want to embarrassment him, but I know his divorce story from my family because many people in Dubai know his disaster marriage end. So my question is how to capture his heart and how can I keep him around me in a natural way and to open his isolation and be with him whole my life. Best regards :) by the way my age is 30 and i am also divorced and all of us have no kids and we know each other from 7 month but we leave each other for 3 month for a silly problem and then he called me and said I miss you a lot you are so special and kind but until now he is unclear. And feel afraid from a committed relationship. Help plz!:)
VictorM's advice:
Cook him dinner, Lila. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. :)
Actually, it seems to me you're doing fine. It's natural for him to be a little worried about rushing to another relationship so soon. My guess is that right now he has serious trust problems. Use this time to show him that you're the trusting type.
Don't rush him, enjoy his company, and make him feel safe and secure around you. And cook!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
First thanks for your help advices dear. My problem that I have a relationship with a man who has many disadvantages but i like him because I feel that he will be good some day. He is shy, busy, chilly behavior, quiet not opening conversations, ambiguous not talking about himself and I don't know exactly what kind of lady he likes. He is not calling too much but he said to me I like you, I miss you always and I feel he wants to begin a relationship with me but afraid to be committed, and in the other hand he has a baby heart, sympathetic, tender heart and really I like him .. he is 36 old, business man and has a very high level of job which makes him more serious and away from me but I feel he needs emotions because some time he gives me signals like ( would you cook for me a dinner lila ) or ( what do you think of travelling a couple of day ) or some times he ( asking me do you miss me lila ) and by the way he is divorced because his wife has cheated him with a dirty relation with a man but I show him that I don't know his divorced reason because I don't want to embarrassment him, but I know his divorce story from my family because many people in Dubai know his disaster marriage end. So my question is how to capture his heart and how can I keep him around me in a natural way and to open his isolation and be with him whole my life. Best regards :) by the way my age is 30 and i am also divorced and all of us have no kids and we know each other from 7 month but we leave each other for 3 month for a silly problem and then he called me and said I miss you a lot you are so special and kind but until now he is unclear. And feel afraid from a committed relationship. Help plz!:)
VictorM's advice:
Cook him dinner, Lila. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. :)
Actually, it seems to me you're doing fine. It's natural for him to be a little worried about rushing to another relationship so soon. My guess is that right now he has serious trust problems. Use this time to show him that you're the trusting type.
Don't rush him, enjoy his company, and make him feel safe and secure around you. And cook!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, June 17, 2006
We do flirt sometimes
helen, 25, from manchester asks:
I've been friendly with this guy for a few months and we do flirt sometimes, although his behaviour is hard to judge. Sometimes he's friendly and sometimes he completely ignores me in public! Other times he watches me from across a room and sometimes he walks away when I go to speak to him! My friends think that he likes me but I think he's giving out mixed signals. What does it all mean?
VictorM's advice:
He could like you. This type of behavior is not at all uncommon for guys who have a crush on a girl. It could be because he's shy. Could be because he's afraid of rejection and by appearing distant at times he can safely say he wasn't interested in you anyway if it turns out you're not interested in him. It could be that he's measuring how much you like him by seeing if you chase him. Or, the most likely reason, he's doing it on purpose to get you thinking about him, which you have to admit, has worked.
If you like him, give him the signals that you like him, otherwise, sit back and enjoy the show with amusement.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been friendly with this guy for a few months and we do flirt sometimes, although his behaviour is hard to judge. Sometimes he's friendly and sometimes he completely ignores me in public! Other times he watches me from across a room and sometimes he walks away when I go to speak to him! My friends think that he likes me but I think he's giving out mixed signals. What does it all mean?
VictorM's advice:
He could like you. This type of behavior is not at all uncommon for guys who have a crush on a girl. It could be because he's shy. Could be because he's afraid of rejection and by appearing distant at times he can safely say he wasn't interested in you anyway if it turns out you're not interested in him. It could be that he's measuring how much you like him by seeing if you chase him. Or, the most likely reason, he's doing it on purpose to get you thinking about him, which you have to admit, has worked.
If you like him, give him the signals that you like him, otherwise, sit back and enjoy the show with amusement.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Question regarding a male friend
Samaire, 25, from Australia asks:
Hi. I have a question regarding a male friend. We have known each other for years, we occasionally catch up. A few days ago we were chatting online and he mentioned his girlfriend is overseas for two weeks and we should catch up. (They live and work together). I've yet to meet her. Anyway I thought immediately that was weird to mention that in the one sentence. The girlfriend is away and he is out to play. Well he said we should catch up for a movie. I thought well that's pretty innocent. Fine. Well after that he strangely asked if I'd like to go on a drive with him two states away! Which is a two day trip. I just ignored the question and chatted about something else. He has emailed me twice since. I asked him should I ask a mutual friend along. When he replied to that email he ignored the suggestion, and said he would be my "gentleman" for the night as I'm single. And I should find someone soon as you never know what could be around the corner. What the hell is going on in this guy's head. I'm not sure going to the movies is good idea. I just want to be friends, I'm not interested in him in a romantic way. Do you think he is all of sudden interested in me? Or is bored while his girlfriend is away?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he's interest in you... for pleasure. If he was really interested in you he wouldn't ask you out until he broke-up with his girlfriend. Put simply, he's just a cheater and cheaters don't have to be bored with their girlfriends to cheat.
I can't imagine any good intentions on his part for asking you to go on this trip. My guess is he misread you and thought you'd be good for a few pokes while the girlfriend is away.
Forget going to the movies with him. Forget the trip. In fact... forget him for friendship too.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi. I have a question regarding a male friend. We have known each other for years, we occasionally catch up. A few days ago we were chatting online and he mentioned his girlfriend is overseas for two weeks and we should catch up. (They live and work together). I've yet to meet her. Anyway I thought immediately that was weird to mention that in the one sentence. The girlfriend is away and he is out to play. Well he said we should catch up for a movie. I thought well that's pretty innocent. Fine. Well after that he strangely asked if I'd like to go on a drive with him two states away! Which is a two day trip. I just ignored the question and chatted about something else. He has emailed me twice since. I asked him should I ask a mutual friend along. When he replied to that email he ignored the suggestion, and said he would be my "gentleman" for the night as I'm single. And I should find someone soon as you never know what could be around the corner. What the hell is going on in this guy's head. I'm not sure going to the movies is good idea. I just want to be friends, I'm not interested in him in a romantic way. Do you think he is all of sudden interested in me? Or is bored while his girlfriend is away?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he's interest in you... for pleasure. If he was really interested in you he wouldn't ask you out until he broke-up with his girlfriend. Put simply, he's just a cheater and cheaters don't have to be bored with their girlfriends to cheat.
I can't imagine any good intentions on his part for asking you to go on this trip. My guess is he misread you and thought you'd be good for a few pokes while the girlfriend is away.
Forget going to the movies with him. Forget the trip. In fact... forget him for friendship too.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Guy I had known 15 years
31 from Canada asks:
First, thanks for the advice you give people, I just came across your blog and thought I'd write with a question.
Six months ago, I came into contact with a guy (my age, I always go for older men) I had known 15 years ago as friends. These past 6 months, we've talked a lot, got to know each other quite intimately and all along, he was showering me with compliments, and nice comments. He is very handsome, seemed very loyal, caring, sensitive. During this 6 month period, he even went back with his ex for a month and I was there for him when it didn't work out. We had joked about sex but nothing serious. I found that I really liked talking to him. Every time I'd go online, he would always message me first and ask how my day was, etc... Sometimes we'd talk for hours at night time. Then a few weeks ago, he showed up at a party where I was and we ended up having sex. It was great. He whispered sweet nothings in my ear, told me how sensitive a guy he was etc... That was after 5 1/2 months of getting to know each other. Then afterwards, I noticed him changing. He wasn't online as much, he would say he would call and wouldn't, he would say he was coming over and wouldn't. I would go online and he wouldn't say anything...lol...so, my question is: was he just a typical guy who got what he wanted then walked away? And yes, I know NOW, that he just "isn't that into me". But I had to find out the hard way. I really thought it meant more to him, after getting to know each other for 6 months. Now I'M the one upset and he gets to move on... lol. What do I do or say to him?
VictorM's advice:
Go Lorena Bobbitt* on him! (Just kidding, of course)
Yeah, you were a fun conquest. Unfortunately, you didn't realize that words without deeds mean nothing. He was patient and you were gullible. Many guys can be smooth when they're not committed.
But what are you gonna tell him? Did he actually lie to you? Did he coarse you into having sex with him? I don't think so. He didn't promise you anything and you were a willing participant. Maybe he planned the whole thing, but let me tell you honestly, it doesn't have to be that way. It's quite conceivable that he really liked talking to you, and then, it stopped being fun. Hard to explain why, but it happens quite often. Frankly, there's nothing to say to him. Learn your lesson and move on.
* For those not familiar with Lorena, she was a women who took a knife and cut-off the penis of her abusive husband and threw into a corn field. They find the cut-off penis and were able to successfully attache it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
First, thanks for the advice you give people, I just came across your blog and thought I'd write with a question.
Six months ago, I came into contact with a guy (my age, I always go for older men) I had known 15 years ago as friends. These past 6 months, we've talked a lot, got to know each other quite intimately and all along, he was showering me with compliments, and nice comments. He is very handsome, seemed very loyal, caring, sensitive. During this 6 month period, he even went back with his ex for a month and I was there for him when it didn't work out. We had joked about sex but nothing serious. I found that I really liked talking to him. Every time I'd go online, he would always message me first and ask how my day was, etc... Sometimes we'd talk for hours at night time. Then a few weeks ago, he showed up at a party where I was and we ended up having sex. It was great. He whispered sweet nothings in my ear, told me how sensitive a guy he was etc... That was after 5 1/2 months of getting to know each other. Then afterwards, I noticed him changing. He wasn't online as much, he would say he would call and wouldn't, he would say he was coming over and wouldn't. I would go online and he wouldn't say anything...lol...so, my question is: was he just a typical guy who got what he wanted then walked away? And yes, I know NOW, that he just "isn't that into me". But I had to find out the hard way. I really thought it meant more to him, after getting to know each other for 6 months. Now I'M the one upset and he gets to move on... lol. What do I do or say to him?
VictorM's advice:
Go Lorena Bobbitt* on him! (Just kidding, of course)
Yeah, you were a fun conquest. Unfortunately, you didn't realize that words without deeds mean nothing. He was patient and you were gullible. Many guys can be smooth when they're not committed.
But what are you gonna tell him? Did he actually lie to you? Did he coarse you into having sex with him? I don't think so. He didn't promise you anything and you were a willing participant. Maybe he planned the whole thing, but let me tell you honestly, it doesn't have to be that way. It's quite conceivable that he really liked talking to you, and then, it stopped being fun. Hard to explain why, but it happens quite often. Frankly, there's nothing to say to him. Learn your lesson and move on.
* For those not familiar with Lorena, she was a women who took a knife and cut-off the penis of her abusive husband and threw into a corn field. They find the cut-off penis and were able to successfully attache it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, June 16, 2006
Big Flirt
Malley, 18, from Uniontown asks:
He is a big flirt, he's told me so... I want him to be with me... how do I make him fall for me? How do I make him want me over the other girls???
VictorM's advice:
Well, to keep him off other girls you could try castration! *Ouch*
If he falls for you, and he's worth keeping, the other girls will not be a problem. But he may not be ready to settle with one girl yet.
The way to keep a guy's interest is to make him feel great about himself when he's around you. What does it take to do that with this guy? I don't know, that's your job to find out.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He is a big flirt, he's told me so... I want him to be with me... how do I make him fall for me? How do I make him want me over the other girls???
VictorM's advice:
Well, to keep him off other girls you could try castration! *Ouch*
If he falls for you, and he's worth keeping, the other girls will not be a problem. But he may not be ready to settle with one girl yet.
The way to keep a guy's interest is to make him feel great about himself when he's around you. What does it take to do that with this guy? I don't know, that's your job to find out.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Suffering sex life
Melissa, 24, from Canada asks:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than a year. About six months ago our sex life started suffering. Now, we have sex at the most two times in a month. I have asked him on multiple occasions why we are not having sex and he answers with a shrug and an "I don't know". I thought for awhile that he was cheating on me but he says that he isn't and we're together almost everyday so I would know, I think. The thing is, he will not have sex with me at night and then wake up in the morning and masturbate in the shower. I am pretty sure he masturbates more often than once a week, but when I asked him about it he just really mad at me. I'm at my wits end. I love my boyfriend but to me, a relationship without sex is purely a friendship. I'm starting to lose my mind. I don't know what to do anymore and I just can't handle it. Thank you!!!
VictorM's advice:
First, let me say that masturbation is something most guys like to do even if their sex life is great. Masturbating and sex use the same organ but are two very different experiences.
It's not uncommon for guy to go through a sex slump, but this seems to have been going on too long. It's possible that familiarity is bringing about a lack of desire, but frankly, I don't believe that's the case -- you haven't been going out long enough.
There are several reasons for a decline in libido, such as stress, worry, alcohol and drugs use. Frequent bickering and lover spats are enough to turn off a guy for a while. Also, there are many medical conditions that could be causing this.
Of course, it's possible that you're just boring in bed. If you're a one position, middle of the night, lights out kinda girl, well, that can get pretty old after a while. But based on your question I'd be surprised if that's the case, specially if you're Canadian (I'm assured by a Canadian friend that there are no Canadian women who are boring in bed. I value my life; I don't argue with her.)
I advise you to look at this as a problem that he has that might have more serious implications than just your sex life. Assume the problem is with him and ask him to see a sex counselor. Loss of libido could be a symptom of some medical or mental condition. (Doesn't matter that he masturbates; masturbation is often more a reflex than anything else.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than a year. About six months ago our sex life started suffering. Now, we have sex at the most two times in a month. I have asked him on multiple occasions why we are not having sex and he answers with a shrug and an "I don't know". I thought for awhile that he was cheating on me but he says that he isn't and we're together almost everyday so I would know, I think. The thing is, he will not have sex with me at night and then wake up in the morning and masturbate in the shower. I am pretty sure he masturbates more often than once a week, but when I asked him about it he just really mad at me. I'm at my wits end. I love my boyfriend but to me, a relationship without sex is purely a friendship. I'm starting to lose my mind. I don't know what to do anymore and I just can't handle it. Thank you!!!
VictorM's advice:
First, let me say that masturbation is something most guys like to do even if their sex life is great. Masturbating and sex use the same organ but are two very different experiences.
It's not uncommon for guy to go through a sex slump, but this seems to have been going on too long. It's possible that familiarity is bringing about a lack of desire, but frankly, I don't believe that's the case -- you haven't been going out long enough.
There are several reasons for a decline in libido, such as stress, worry, alcohol and drugs use. Frequent bickering and lover spats are enough to turn off a guy for a while. Also, there are many medical conditions that could be causing this.
Of course, it's possible that you're just boring in bed. If you're a one position, middle of the night, lights out kinda girl, well, that can get pretty old after a while. But based on your question I'd be surprised if that's the case, specially if you're Canadian (I'm assured by a Canadian friend that there are no Canadian women who are boring in bed. I value my life; I don't argue with her.)
I advise you to look at this as a problem that he has that might have more serious implications than just your sex life. Assume the problem is with him and ask him to see a sex counselor. Loss of libido could be a symptom of some medical or mental condition. (Doesn't matter that he masturbates; masturbation is often more a reflex than anything else.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Guys are sick
Curious_gal asks:
Is it true that most guys are sick?
VictorM's answer:
All except two. It's your job to find the other one.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Is it true that most guys are sick?
VictorM's answer:
All except two. It's your job to find the other one.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He just stopped talking to me
confused, 19, from cali asks:
There is this guy at work who when we first met was really nice to me, and we would talk for hours, and he was really helpful, and was always working on with me, and I'm pretty sure that he liked me at some point. I liked him too. I didn't want to initiate anything though because I was moving houses, and it was just a bad time. He never did either. Now, a month later (and a month is really long time because in that month I've seen him EVERYDAY except for a weekend -- 6-8 hours each day), he just stopped talking to me. When he sees me he doesn't even say hi! (and when I do he just answers, and leaves) and it does seem to me that he's avoiding me. Do guys just lose interest just like that? I don't know what I did wrong. Whether he did like me or not, why would a guy just stop talking to someone out of no where?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, guys can lose interest on a girl overnight, over the simplest thing. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong either. But even if he lost interest I don't think it would lead to the cool behavior now. I'm more inclined to believe it's something else.
Maybe he has a girlfriend and realized he was getting too chummy with you. Or he realized that the "talking for hours" at work could cost him his job. Maybe his boss noticed you two were too distracted from your jobs and had a talk with him.
Why not ask him what's the matter?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
There is this guy at work who when we first met was really nice to me, and we would talk for hours, and he was really helpful, and was always working on with me, and I'm pretty sure that he liked me at some point. I liked him too. I didn't want to initiate anything though because I was moving houses, and it was just a bad time. He never did either. Now, a month later (and a month is really long time because in that month I've seen him EVERYDAY except for a weekend -- 6-8 hours each day), he just stopped talking to me. When he sees me he doesn't even say hi! (and when I do he just answers, and leaves) and it does seem to me that he's avoiding me. Do guys just lose interest just like that? I don't know what I did wrong. Whether he did like me or not, why would a guy just stop talking to someone out of no where?
VictorM's advice:
Yes, guys can lose interest on a girl overnight, over the simplest thing. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong either. But even if he lost interest I don't think it would lead to the cool behavior now. I'm more inclined to believe it's something else.
Maybe he has a girlfriend and realized he was getting too chummy with you. Or he realized that the "talking for hours" at work could cost him his job. Maybe his boss noticed you two were too distracted from your jobs and had a talk with him.
Why not ask him what's the matter?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
New friend
Kim, 30, from Fort Collins, CO asks:
My boyfriend has a new "friend". They talk on the phone and text message each other more than he does with any of his guy friends. He constantly tells me how great she is, knowing that he is hurting my feelings. They say they are just getting to know each other and that they are just friends. Should I believe him?
VictorM's advice:
They might be just friends... for now. He seems too smitten with her for it to remain that way. I'm not saying he's cheated yet, but in the famous quote from When Harry Met Sally: "no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her." If he finds her attractive, your relationship is already in trouble.
If you haven't made it clear to him that this frienship is hurting your feelings and making you very uncomfortable, you should. Don't accuse him of anything or make any demands, just talk about your feelings and what it's doing to you. If their friendship doesn't cool off, you have a major problem to deal with.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend has a new "friend". They talk on the phone and text message each other more than he does with any of his guy friends. He constantly tells me how great she is, knowing that he is hurting my feelings. They say they are just getting to know each other and that they are just friends. Should I believe him?
VictorM's advice:
They might be just friends... for now. He seems too smitten with her for it to remain that way. I'm not saying he's cheated yet, but in the famous quote from When Harry Met Sally: "no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her." If he finds her attractive, your relationship is already in trouble.
If you haven't made it clear to him that this frienship is hurting your feelings and making you very uncomfortable, you should. Don't accuse him of anything or make any demands, just talk about your feelings and what it's doing to you. If their friendship doesn't cool off, you have a major problem to deal with.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, June 15, 2006
He said he would call
alissa, 16, from Johnson city asks:
I met this guy and I thought we felt something. And he said he would call and he hasn't in the longest time. What should I think or do?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he lost your number. If you have his, call him and ask why he hasn't called you. He'll probably lie, but you'll get a sense if he's interested or not.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I met this guy and I thought we felt something. And he said he would call and he hasn't in the longest time. What should I think or do?
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he lost your number. If you have his, call him and ask why he hasn't called you. He'll probably lie, but you'll get a sense if he's interested or not.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Cheating husbands
celeste, 27, from johannesburg south africa asks:
I hope you can help. I have been married twice and my marriages end because my husbands could not stop from cheating on me. Now I'm in a relationship with a 42 year old divorced man and things have been going OK for a year but I keep on thinking/waiting for him to cheat on me. Today I went on to his computer at work and I discovered that he has been chatting with a woman that's in the same building as ours. They would say things like she likes sex the whole night and he would throw in comments like he would meet her for coffee and other sick sexual comments. Am I being paranoid or is he playing with my feelings? Please help celeste
VictorM's advice:
I don't know how I can help. I have no idea if he's cheating, preparing to cheat, or just fantasizing about it, but it doesn't sound good based on what you described. You have good reasons to be suspicious.
I do know this: people generally get attracted over and over to the same kind of person unless they rectify whatever it is about their personality that craves that type of individual. So chances are you get attracted to the same type of men, and of course, the results are going to be similar.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I hope you can help. I have been married twice and my marriages end because my husbands could not stop from cheating on me. Now I'm in a relationship with a 42 year old divorced man and things have been going OK for a year but I keep on thinking/waiting for him to cheat on me. Today I went on to his computer at work and I discovered that he has been chatting with a woman that's in the same building as ours. They would say things like she likes sex the whole night and he would throw in comments like he would meet her for coffee and other sick sexual comments. Am I being paranoid or is he playing with my feelings? Please help celeste
VictorM's advice:
I don't know how I can help. I have no idea if he's cheating, preparing to cheat, or just fantasizing about it, but it doesn't sound good based on what you described. You have good reasons to be suspicious.
I do know this: people generally get attracted over and over to the same kind of person unless they rectify whatever it is about their personality that craves that type of individual. So chances are you get attracted to the same type of men, and of course, the results are going to be similar.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
To be an item or not to be an item
saz, 17, from florida asks:
There's this guy that I told ages ago that I did have feelings for him but he said that he could be leaving the country so he didn't want to hurt me. And he was involved with another girl 7 months prior to that, they weren't officially going out but he treated it as if they were as he had feelings for her. After 3 months she stopped talking to him and he didn't understand why. He's been talking to me about her and I'm just there to support him but he's stopping now as he says he's got to forget about it. I'm just wandering should I ask him to be an item or not? Or should I wait for him to ask, as he has found out he's staying here. If you don't think I should ask what hints could I drop because I have tried everything.
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask him. I don't think he's ready to be an item with you. You should continue the friendship and look to do things with him. This way you enjoy his company and you give him a chance to know you better.
Plan activities where you and him spend time alone. Be a little less of a "buddy" and dress to impress when you're with him. See where that leads.
If it works out, name the first born after me. :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
There's this guy that I told ages ago that I did have feelings for him but he said that he could be leaving the country so he didn't want to hurt me. And he was involved with another girl 7 months prior to that, they weren't officially going out but he treated it as if they were as he had feelings for her. After 3 months she stopped talking to him and he didn't understand why. He's been talking to me about her and I'm just there to support him but he's stopping now as he says he's got to forget about it. I'm just wandering should I ask him to be an item or not? Or should I wait for him to ask, as he has found out he's staying here. If you don't think I should ask what hints could I drop because I have tried everything.
VictorM's advice:
Don't ask him. I don't think he's ready to be an item with you. You should continue the friendship and look to do things with him. This way you enjoy his company and you give him a chance to know you better.
Plan activities where you and him spend time alone. Be a little less of a "buddy" and dress to impress when you're with him. See where that leads.
If it works out, name the first born after me. :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He does everything he's asked
vanessa, 13, from camarillo, ca asks:
If a guy does everything you ask him to do does that mean he likes you more than a friend?
VictorM's answer:
Heck yes. He sounds like the perfect husband already! :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
If a guy does everything you ask him to do does that mean he likes you more than a friend?
VictorM's answer:
Heck yes. He sounds like the perfect husband already! :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He never called me
arcane, 19, from va asks:
My question is: I have been talking with this guy for awhile and we finally agreed to meet for dinner. He told me to call him around lunch on Saturday and we will plan something for dinner. Well I called and he didn't answer. (By the way is there a sure way to tell if a guy is married?) Anyway, he never called me and now it is Sunday and I don't know if I should be worried or pissed off as hell. He usually answers his phone and calls me back. This is very hurtful to me and I don't know what to do. Another question, should I call him and if so, what approach do I take? I don't want to be mean if something came up. Please help me, I have never been through this before and I really like this guy. Thanks a lot.
VictorM's advice:
The only thing it makes sense is to assume he had some accident or emergency. So yes, you should call him and if he answers make it clear you are calling because you're worried about his well-being. If, however, it turns out he simply neglected you... man oh man, you should rip his testicles off and flush them down the toilet.
There is no sure way to know if a guy is married, but if you have reason to suspect it, ask him in person, straight to his face: "Are you married?" Look him straight in the eyes as you ask. Watch his response very careful. If he hesitates, mumbles, or asks something like: "What makes you think so?" be suspicious.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My question is: I have been talking with this guy for awhile and we finally agreed to meet for dinner. He told me to call him around lunch on Saturday and we will plan something for dinner. Well I called and he didn't answer. (By the way is there a sure way to tell if a guy is married?) Anyway, he never called me and now it is Sunday and I don't know if I should be worried or pissed off as hell. He usually answers his phone and calls me back. This is very hurtful to me and I don't know what to do. Another question, should I call him and if so, what approach do I take? I don't want to be mean if something came up. Please help me, I have never been through this before and I really like this guy. Thanks a lot.
VictorM's advice:
The only thing it makes sense is to assume he had some accident or emergency. So yes, you should call him and if he answers make it clear you are calling because you're worried about his well-being. If, however, it turns out he simply neglected you... man oh man, you should rip his testicles off and flush them down the toilet.
There is no sure way to know if a guy is married, but if you have reason to suspect it, ask him in person, straight to his face: "Are you married?" Look him straight in the eyes as you ask. Watch his response very careful. If he hesitates, mumbles, or asks something like: "What makes you think so?" be suspicious.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
More interested
sara, 27, from ny asks:
I've been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks and it seems sometime he's interested but other time he doesn't. What can I do to make him more interested?
VictorM's advice:
1. Be yourself. There's no point in getting him more interested in a fake version of yourself. But it's really not about you, it's about how he feels when he's around you. If around you he feels smart, interesting, wanted, sexy, funny, etc. he'll seek you out.
2. Give him time. I think he's just playing it cool, trying to go slow and learning more about you. Guys generally move at a slower pace into a relationship.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks and it seems sometime he's interested but other time he doesn't. What can I do to make him more interested?
VictorM's advice:
1. Be yourself. There's no point in getting him more interested in a fake version of yourself. But it's really not about you, it's about how he feels when he's around you. If around you he feels smart, interesting, wanted, sexy, funny, etc. he'll seek you out.
2. Give him time. I think he's just playing it cool, trying to go slow and learning more about you. Guys generally move at a slower pace into a relationship.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I feel so devastated
Tiffany, 16, from United States asks:
Victor M..first of all, I would like to tell you thanks for helping everybody with their relationship problems. It is a very selfless thing to do, and your answers are straight to the point. This is what people need. You deserve a lot of credit for taking time out of your day to give others advice. Thank you very much.
My concern is that my boyfriend of almost 15 months is leaving for college in mid August. He will be about 3 hours away. I feel so devastated. We are still going to have a relationship, just less serious because he's not bringing a vehicle and I am going to drive up there probably every 2 to 3 weeks. He is such an amazing person, and has really made my life better. I am so worried that we will lose touch, or that he will find another girlfriend. We all know that most guys like physical contact, rather than just talking over the internet or on the phone. One other problem is that my boyfriend, like many guys, is very short and blunt on the phone. Maybe if we don't see each other as much, he will want to talk more. But, I'm not sure about that. It will be so easy for him to find somebody else, that's what scares me. I am not interested in any other guys because he's different and I want things to last with him. But, I can't stop thinking about the fact that he's leaving. I know that I should have went into the relationship a different way, maybe I should have put a ton of hobbies and friends around me so that I wouldn't be so affected by this. I do have hobbies and friends but it won't be the same without him. I'm scared that our relationship will drift away, and that's the last thing that I want to happen.
My question is, Victor M., how can I stop these feelings of anxiety and hurt and focus on other things? It's so difficult. I feel like I want to spend MORE time with him since he's leaving, although I probably should spend less time with him. I love his friends (most of them are going to the same college too), and just being around him is wonderful. I'd also like to know what I can do when he is gone to keep things going? It's going to be hard enough to not even see each other very often, and the thought of him with another girl makes me sick to my stomach. How can I stop feeling this way? I need to open my eyes to reality. I would really like some advice about handling this situation. It's heartbreaking to think about the day when he leaves and me walking away knowing that things may not work out, although I would do anything for them to work. Please help me find away to stop thinking about this and focus on other things, and accept the fact that he might meet other girls. I know its a part of life, but its difficult. I am also interested in knowing, from a guy's point of view, what I can do to make conversations flowing and spice the situation up although we may not see each other often. Maybe I can plan something special each time I visit him?Thank you so much!
VictorM's advice:
First off, thanks for your kinds words.
Well Tiffany, it's OK to feel anxiety and by worried about how things will turn out; to feel otherwise would be an indication that you don't care as much as you do. But you do care, and so it hurts when your loved one leaves. Don't punish yourself for feeling bad, as long as you don't let it paralyze you.
Spend time with him now, why not? Look, he's the guy you love. Spend as much time with him as you can before he goes. You have time to deal with hobbies and friends after he leaves.
Can he go to college and meet other girls? Of course he will, but that doesn't mean he'll forget about you. Maybe he'll be tempted, for sure, but having a girl he's in love with can give him the necessary willpower to resist other girls. Heck, he may never be interested in other girls for anything other than scenery.
Going forward, the best thing you can do is not be insecure about the relationship. Don't make him feel that you don't trust him. Don't grill him when he calls you about where he went, who he went with, etc. because if you start making your phone calls unpleasant he'll stop calling. You want to make sure he thinks as highly of you then as he thinks of you now.
Be prepared for some changes. He may go out more, drink a little more, stay out late... these are all things guys do once in college, it's normal and in no way a reflection that he loves you any less.
I don't want to give you the false impression -- long distance relationships are tough. There will be challenges. But you work on them; you don't give up on the relationship.
It can work out, even if the odds aren't great. But then again, if it works out you know you have something special. It's worth taking a chance!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Victor M..first of all, I would like to tell you thanks for helping everybody with their relationship problems. It is a very selfless thing to do, and your answers are straight to the point. This is what people need. You deserve a lot of credit for taking time out of your day to give others advice. Thank you very much.
My concern is that my boyfriend of almost 15 months is leaving for college in mid August. He will be about 3 hours away. I feel so devastated. We are still going to have a relationship, just less serious because he's not bringing a vehicle and I am going to drive up there probably every 2 to 3 weeks. He is such an amazing person, and has really made my life better. I am so worried that we will lose touch, or that he will find another girlfriend. We all know that most guys like physical contact, rather than just talking over the internet or on the phone. One other problem is that my boyfriend, like many guys, is very short and blunt on the phone. Maybe if we don't see each other as much, he will want to talk more. But, I'm not sure about that. It will be so easy for him to find somebody else, that's what scares me. I am not interested in any other guys because he's different and I want things to last with him. But, I can't stop thinking about the fact that he's leaving. I know that I should have went into the relationship a different way, maybe I should have put a ton of hobbies and friends around me so that I wouldn't be so affected by this. I do have hobbies and friends but it won't be the same without him. I'm scared that our relationship will drift away, and that's the last thing that I want to happen.
My question is, Victor M., how can I stop these feelings of anxiety and hurt and focus on other things? It's so difficult. I feel like I want to spend MORE time with him since he's leaving, although I probably should spend less time with him. I love his friends (most of them are going to the same college too), and just being around him is wonderful. I'd also like to know what I can do when he is gone to keep things going? It's going to be hard enough to not even see each other very often, and the thought of him with another girl makes me sick to my stomach. How can I stop feeling this way? I need to open my eyes to reality. I would really like some advice about handling this situation. It's heartbreaking to think about the day when he leaves and me walking away knowing that things may not work out, although I would do anything for them to work. Please help me find away to stop thinking about this and focus on other things, and accept the fact that he might meet other girls. I know its a part of life, but its difficult. I am also interested in knowing, from a guy's point of view, what I can do to make conversations flowing and spice the situation up although we may not see each other often. Maybe I can plan something special each time I visit him?Thank you so much!
VictorM's advice:
First off, thanks for your kinds words.
Well Tiffany, it's OK to feel anxiety and by worried about how things will turn out; to feel otherwise would be an indication that you don't care as much as you do. But you do care, and so it hurts when your loved one leaves. Don't punish yourself for feeling bad, as long as you don't let it paralyze you.
Spend time with him now, why not? Look, he's the guy you love. Spend as much time with him as you can before he goes. You have time to deal with hobbies and friends after he leaves.
Can he go to college and meet other girls? Of course he will, but that doesn't mean he'll forget about you. Maybe he'll be tempted, for sure, but having a girl he's in love with can give him the necessary willpower to resist other girls. Heck, he may never be interested in other girls for anything other than scenery.
Going forward, the best thing you can do is not be insecure about the relationship. Don't make him feel that you don't trust him. Don't grill him when he calls you about where he went, who he went with, etc. because if you start making your phone calls unpleasant he'll stop calling. You want to make sure he thinks as highly of you then as he thinks of you now.
Be prepared for some changes. He may go out more, drink a little more, stay out late... these are all things guys do once in college, it's normal and in no way a reflection that he loves you any less.
I don't want to give you the false impression -- long distance relationships are tough. There will be challenges. But you work on them; you don't give up on the relationship.
It can work out, even if the odds aren't great. But then again, if it works out you know you have something special. It's worth taking a chance!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Am I being selfish?
Sue, 28, from Ohio asks:
I have been talking to this guy for about 8 weeks. For the first 4 weeks he was calling all the time and text message me though out the day and we would see each other at least twice a week. Then his ex called him and said she wanted to work things out and blah blah. Since then he has been kinda of distracted. He does not call as much and when he sends me messages it takes him hours to respond. I have a child and when my child has a game or something like that this guys invites himself along too. He told me that he is interested in me, but his heart is confused. I am thinking about telling when he figures out what his heart wants to get a hold of me. But I am a little afraid too. Am I being to selfish?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not being selfish. That's exactly what you should do.
What are you afraid of, that you won't share him with her? Come on, stand your ground. Show him that you have a backbone and will not be manipulated. If he really prefers her, the sooner you know the sooner you can move on.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been talking to this guy for about 8 weeks. For the first 4 weeks he was calling all the time and text message me though out the day and we would see each other at least twice a week. Then his ex called him and said she wanted to work things out and blah blah. Since then he has been kinda of distracted. He does not call as much and when he sends me messages it takes him hours to respond. I have a child and when my child has a game or something like that this guys invites himself along too. He told me that he is interested in me, but his heart is confused. I am thinking about telling when he figures out what his heart wants to get a hold of me. But I am a little afraid too. Am I being to selfish?
VictorM's advice:
No, you're not being selfish. That's exactly what you should do.
What are you afraid of, that you won't share him with her? Come on, stand your ground. Show him that you have a backbone and will not be manipulated. If he really prefers her, the sooner you know the sooner you can move on.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Ask your mom
jmjm, 24, from usa asks:
My boyfriend and I were at his apartment last night. We were in his bedroom and his phone rang indicating a text message. It was almost 2 am. He goes to the other room to get his phone and said it was his sister. He stays there for a minute or two and I guess he called her after reading the text. He comes to the bedroom where I am and by the window to get better reception to speak. His apartment does not give good reception. The girl is talking about a guy and then he said " Did you tell your mom?" If it was his sister, why would he refer to their mom as her mom. I said that to him when he was done talking. He said his sis was having a guy a problem (she is older than him -- I think 35 or something.) He also asked "you never did that?" Obviously no. Then he said: LOOK--the text is from her and who he spoke to was her. He probably knew what I was thinking--if a person is sneaky enough, they can easily just change the name to someone else. He said call the number then. I didn't call. Does it sound weird that he said your mom when it is his mom as well or am I being too suspicious. Was he just hoping I didn't call or should I trust it was his sister. I am tempted to copy down the number and see if it is her. I do not think he is cheating because obviously this girl was talking about someone else. It wasn't anything tragic of what his "sister" found out--something kind of funny. I would never text message any guy friend at 2am over something like this so that is why I am hoping it was his sister who I met a few times. Isn't a bad idea to use his sister anyway if it was another girl? It would eventually be figured out.
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT call the number. Take it at face value it was his sister. Giving up trust is a "point of no return" sentiment. Once you don't trust someone, you'll always be suspicious. And as I have said many time before, trust is the single most important element of a good relationship.
I have to confess that his quote would have made my ears perk-up too, but there are several reasons why he could have said "your mom" to his sister: it could be just misspeaking, it could be clarifying he's talking about her mother not the guy's mother, it could be part of a family that is a bit too formal with each other, it could be that he doesn't feel as close to his mother as she does (as in she likes you more than me therefore she's "your mom" more than mine.) There's so many reasons why he could have said it that way.
My advice is for you to not even bring this issue up again. Accept it as the truth. Trust me on this one thing: finding out later that he was cheating on you all along will hurt a lot less than going a lifetime suspecting your mate and making both of your lives a living hell. Give him the benefit of the doubt this time... for your sake.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I were at his apartment last night. We were in his bedroom and his phone rang indicating a text message. It was almost 2 am. He goes to the other room to get his phone and said it was his sister. He stays there for a minute or two and I guess he called her after reading the text. He comes to the bedroom where I am and by the window to get better reception to speak. His apartment does not give good reception. The girl is talking about a guy and then he said " Did you tell your mom?" If it was his sister, why would he refer to their mom as her mom. I said that to him when he was done talking. He said his sis was having a guy a problem (she is older than him -- I think 35 or something.) He also asked "you never did that?" Obviously no. Then he said: LOOK--the text is from her and who he spoke to was her. He probably knew what I was thinking--if a person is sneaky enough, they can easily just change the name to someone else. He said call the number then. I didn't call. Does it sound weird that he said your mom when it is his mom as well or am I being too suspicious. Was he just hoping I didn't call or should I trust it was his sister. I am tempted to copy down the number and see if it is her. I do not think he is cheating because obviously this girl was talking about someone else. It wasn't anything tragic of what his "sister" found out--something kind of funny. I would never text message any guy friend at 2am over something like this so that is why I am hoping it was his sister who I met a few times. Isn't a bad idea to use his sister anyway if it was another girl? It would eventually be figured out.
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT call the number. Take it at face value it was his sister. Giving up trust is a "point of no return" sentiment. Once you don't trust someone, you'll always be suspicious. And as I have said many time before, trust is the single most important element of a good relationship.
I have to confess that his quote would have made my ears perk-up too, but there are several reasons why he could have said "your mom" to his sister: it could be just misspeaking, it could be clarifying he's talking about her mother not the guy's mother, it could be part of a family that is a bit too formal with each other, it could be that he doesn't feel as close to his mother as she does (as in she likes you more than me therefore she's "your mom" more than mine.) There's so many reasons why he could have said it that way.
My advice is for you to not even bring this issue up again. Accept it as the truth. Trust me on this one thing: finding out later that he was cheating on you all along will hurt a lot less than going a lifetime suspecting your mate and making both of your lives a living hell. Give him the benefit of the doubt this time... for your sake.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Shaving pubic hair
becca, 18, from michigan asks:
Should girls shave their pubic hair before having sex?
VictorM's advice:
Today, that seems fashionable and I think most guys would prefer it. But this is clearly a cosmetic preference; there is no other reason for shaving. And as such, it's your preference that counts. If you wish to please your partner and shave, again, that's something that's up to you.
Tastes vary on this. In the 60's and 70's it was the bushier the better, now it's the opposite. But as someone who has lived through both the "Willie Nelson" and "Telly Savalas" pubic hair looks, I'd say you should at least trim. It's not fun getting a 2 inch hair stuck in your throat.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Should girls shave their pubic hair before having sex?
VictorM's advice:
Today, that seems fashionable and I think most guys would prefer it. But this is clearly a cosmetic preference; there is no other reason for shaving. And as such, it's your preference that counts. If you wish to please your partner and shave, again, that's something that's up to you.
Tastes vary on this. In the 60's and 70's it was the bushier the better, now it's the opposite. But as someone who has lived through both the "Willie Nelson" and "Telly Savalas" pubic hair looks, I'd say you should at least trim. It's not fun getting a 2 inch hair stuck in your throat.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Dance teacher is great
sophie, 28, from london asks:
I am a married lady and have been for 10 yrs. I had my 1st daughter at 16 and I got married when I was young to the only lad I have ever been out with. Now I have started a group where we learn to dance. My dance teacher is a great man who is married but the thing is I really really like him. I think he likes me too. He tells me stuff about his wife, how they are on the verge of splitting up and stuff like that. What should I do? I am so confused. I would really like to get to know him better even if nothing comes of it. I would like him as a mate but I do have strong feelings for him even though I am married myself, which is wrong but I do think I've missed out on a lot.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe you missed out on a lot but you don't get it back by starting anew with a mistake. Maybe the teacher is on the verge of splitting up, but he hasn't yet; he's still married. And knowing that you're married, any attempt by him to seduce you automatically removes him from the "great man" category. Believe me, when a guy doesn't have responsibilities he can be wonderful and appear so great. Things change when responsibilities to each other get in the way. It is living up to their responsibilities that makes men great (women too, for that matter).
You're not confused; you're just not thinking. If you're unhappy with your husband and you feel you've run out of hope to repair your relationship, end it first before going on adventures that not only could backfire on you, but screw-up a lot of people.
Just because you have missed out on something is no reason to give up your dignity now.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am a married lady and have been for 10 yrs. I had my 1st daughter at 16 and I got married when I was young to the only lad I have ever been out with. Now I have started a group where we learn to dance. My dance teacher is a great man who is married but the thing is I really really like him. I think he likes me too. He tells me stuff about his wife, how they are on the verge of splitting up and stuff like that. What should I do? I am so confused. I would really like to get to know him better even if nothing comes of it. I would like him as a mate but I do have strong feelings for him even though I am married myself, which is wrong but I do think I've missed out on a lot.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe you missed out on a lot but you don't get it back by starting anew with a mistake. Maybe the teacher is on the verge of splitting up, but he hasn't yet; he's still married. And knowing that you're married, any attempt by him to seduce you automatically removes him from the "great man" category. Believe me, when a guy doesn't have responsibilities he can be wonderful and appear so great. Things change when responsibilities to each other get in the way. It is living up to their responsibilities that makes men great (women too, for that matter).
You're not confused; you're just not thinking. If you're unhappy with your husband and you feel you've run out of hope to repair your relationship, end it first before going on adventures that not only could backfire on you, but screw-up a lot of people.
Just because you have missed out on something is no reason to give up your dignity now.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm very picky
Tina, 17, from New Jersey asks:
There's this guy that I'm friends with and I've had a little crush on him for this past school year. He liked me in the beginning of the year, but then started saying that all girls like him for sex. We stopped talking 'relationship' wise but we're still friends. These past few days, he started asking me the same questions. If I went out with a guy, would I do anything sexual. I told him no, but he said that all guys expect something in a relationship (maybe not sex, but other things). I told him that I don't plan on doing anything until marriage. Yet, I did not tell him that I have not had my first kiss yet or first boyfriend. I have been asked out by many guys, but I'm very picky and it isn't until now that I really want a boyfriend. I think that if I tell him this, he may see me differently and understand why I don't want to do anything until marriage and how I want to take things slow, but I'm not sure. Please give me some advice!!-Tina
VictorM's advice:
You don't want to do anything until marriage? Come on, I can understand sex but anything? I'm going to assume you only meant sex. After all, having some physical contact, kissing, and making out are very natural.
If you like this guy just go out with him. If he steps over the line,you can set his balls on fire slap his hand. Most guys will try to push things a little, but most will also respect the girl's wishes. As long as you stick to your principles, you'll be fine.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
There's this guy that I'm friends with and I've had a little crush on him for this past school year. He liked me in the beginning of the year, but then started saying that all girls like him for sex. We stopped talking 'relationship' wise but we're still friends. These past few days, he started asking me the same questions. If I went out with a guy, would I do anything sexual. I told him no, but he said that all guys expect something in a relationship (maybe not sex, but other things). I told him that I don't plan on doing anything until marriage. Yet, I did not tell him that I have not had my first kiss yet or first boyfriend. I have been asked out by many guys, but I'm very picky and it isn't until now that I really want a boyfriend. I think that if I tell him this, he may see me differently and understand why I don't want to do anything until marriage and how I want to take things slow, but I'm not sure. Please give me some advice!!-Tina
VictorM's advice:
You don't want to do anything until marriage? Come on, I can understand sex but anything? I'm going to assume you only meant sex. After all, having some physical contact, kissing, and making out are very natural.
If you like this guy just go out with him. If he steps over the line,
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
This big change
lisa, 25, from Israel asks:
O.k., so I have been going out with this guy for 4 years. All of a sudden...there is this big change in him. He is acting really cold and tells me that we need some space, and that what we have is "over kill". I don't feel this way at all. My question is, does needing space mean the end of this relationship? Should I get my hopes up that he too will miss me and want to come back or not?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, there's hope. It's possible that things have gotten so serious between you two that he's getting cold feet. It could be temporary. Maybe he just needs to step back and analyze if he's ready for a lifetime commitment with you.
But I have to tell you, acting cold and needing space are more often than not the signs that something died. And once that happens, getting it back is almost impossible. So while there's hope, don't get your hopes too high, and certainly don't wait too long before deciding to move on.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
O.k., so I have been going out with this guy for 4 years. All of a sudden...there is this big change in him. He is acting really cold and tells me that we need some space, and that what we have is "over kill". I don't feel this way at all. My question is, does needing space mean the end of this relationship? Should I get my hopes up that he too will miss me and want to come back or not?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, there's hope. It's possible that things have gotten so serious between you two that he's getting cold feet. It could be temporary. Maybe he just needs to step back and analyze if he's ready for a lifetime commitment with you.
But I have to tell you, acting cold and needing space are more often than not the signs that something died. And once that happens, getting it back is almost impossible. So while there's hope, don't get your hopes too high, and certainly don't wait too long before deciding to move on.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, June 12, 2006
I'm like his sister
Jenifa, 31, from NY asks:
I meet with my ex-boyfriend to talk to him about a business deal. We still work with each other. Well anyway he told a bunch of people in the room I'm like his sister. What does that mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means he cares for you but there's nothing between you two. You know, just like a... sister.
Keep it that way.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I meet with my ex-boyfriend to talk to him about a business deal. We still work with each other. Well anyway he told a bunch of people in the room I'm like his sister. What does that mean?
VictorM's advice:
It means he cares for you but there's nothing between you two. You know, just like a... sister.
Keep it that way.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I like his cousin... maybe more
Jennifer, 15, from Ireland asks:
Two days ago I was asked out by this guy. He is funny and nice which I like. However I also like his cousin....maybe more. This guy has the same sense of humour and is good looking but I think he just wants to be friends. So my question is should I go out with the guy? Because I see little hope between me and his cousin.
VictorM's advice:
I think you should go out with neither and be friends with both. Get to know both a little more. You may change your mind about which one you like better and by just being friends you don't exclude the option of spending time with both of them. Once you feel strongly about one or the other, without the word "maybe" coming into play, then you'll know which one to go out with.
Maybe the one guy likes you too but since he knows his cousin likes you he's not showing enough interest. So don't give up hope.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Two days ago I was asked out by this guy. He is funny and nice which I like. However I also like his cousin....maybe more. This guy has the same sense of humour and is good looking but I think he just wants to be friends. So my question is should I go out with the guy? Because I see little hope between me and his cousin.
VictorM's advice:
I think you should go out with neither and be friends with both. Get to know both a little more. You may change your mind about which one you like better and by just being friends you don't exclude the option of spending time with both of them. Once you feel strongly about one or the other, without the word "maybe" coming into play, then you'll know which one to go out with.
Maybe the one guy likes you too but since he knows his cousin likes you he's not showing enough interest. So don't give up hope.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, June 11, 2006
He's a father
Christina, 20, from Glendale, AZ asks:
Hi, I recently started dating a (22 yr old) single father, with a 3 year old daughter. We get a long great, and in a creepy way have almost too much in common. We have the same interests, goals, financial ideas, stability, sex drive you name it, its there. We have been moving pretty fast, and gotten serious on both sides. I spend a lot of time with both him and his daughter and we all get a long well, and laugh together. With in the last few days he has asked me to move in with him, and I want to, but we have only been dating 2 months, so I told him I would think about it. I didn't think this way until after I asked my friend about moving in with him and she made a comment about him just looking for someone to mother his child. But after she said it I can't help but worry about it, do you think he asked me so soon because he needs someone to make him feel like he has a family for his daughter? Or is it because he wants to build a relationship with me? What do you think? Thanks, Christina
VictorM's advice:
If you get along so well, I'm more inclined to believe he just wants you in his life. That you'd also good for his daughter is a big plus to him, I'm sure, but sounds unlikely that it would be the major reason. However, moving in after only 2 months seems rather soon. You may want to give yourself more time, to get to know him better.
What role does the child's mother play? Does she visit? What's his relationship with her like? Could she be a factor in your relationship with him? Do not dismiss her ability to cause complications if she's anywhere near the picture.
Don't rush! Remove the rose-colored glasses so you can see better. It takes longer than two months to start discovering all the things that aren't so great about another person. After all, sounds like he's rushed once before and that didn't turn out so good. He seems to be rushing again. Don't make the same mistake.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi, I recently started dating a (22 yr old) single father, with a 3 year old daughter. We get a long great, and in a creepy way have almost too much in common. We have the same interests, goals, financial ideas, stability, sex drive you name it, its there. We have been moving pretty fast, and gotten serious on both sides. I spend a lot of time with both him and his daughter and we all get a long well, and laugh together. With in the last few days he has asked me to move in with him, and I want to, but we have only been dating 2 months, so I told him I would think about it. I didn't think this way until after I asked my friend about moving in with him and she made a comment about him just looking for someone to mother his child. But after she said it I can't help but worry about it, do you think he asked me so soon because he needs someone to make him feel like he has a family for his daughter? Or is it because he wants to build a relationship with me? What do you think? Thanks, Christina
VictorM's advice:
If you get along so well, I'm more inclined to believe he just wants you in his life. That you'd also good for his daughter is a big plus to him, I'm sure, but sounds unlikely that it would be the major reason. However, moving in after only 2 months seems rather soon. You may want to give yourself more time, to get to know him better.
What role does the child's mother play? Does she visit? What's his relationship with her like? Could she be a factor in your relationship with him? Do not dismiss her ability to cause complications if she's anywhere near the picture.
Don't rush! Remove the rose-colored glasses so you can see better. It takes longer than two months to start discovering all the things that aren't so great about another person. After all, sounds like he's rushed once before and that didn't turn out so good. He seems to be rushing again. Don't make the same mistake.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
No reason for our break-up
Erin, 18, from Illinois asks:
I am 18 yrs. old and my ex-boyfriend and I just broke up after 7 months of true dating but being with each other for around a year. We started out being great friends. And there was no reason at all for our break-up. We have been broke up for about a month know and I just want him back so bad!! How he did it thought was not the best it was right before a huge track meet and my last meet, and right before my graduation. We haven't talked but truly only once in the past month. How do I get him back, he means the world to me!!! And to make matters worse he was my first boyfriend!!! Please help?
VictorM's advice:
There was no reason for the break-up? I'm sure there is a reason. If none was stated it's not because there isn't one. Either you're in denial, or he just isn't expressing to you the reason.
If he's not even bothering to tell you why, the reason becomes even more obvious: he's not into you. Period. And he doesn't even think enough of you to bother explaining.
You say he was first boyfriend. To which I say: time for the second.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am 18 yrs. old and my ex-boyfriend and I just broke up after 7 months of true dating but being with each other for around a year. We started out being great friends. And there was no reason at all for our break-up. We have been broke up for about a month know and I just want him back so bad!! How he did it thought was not the best it was right before a huge track meet and my last meet, and right before my graduation. We haven't talked but truly only once in the past month. How do I get him back, he means the world to me!!! And to make matters worse he was my first boyfriend!!! Please help?
VictorM's advice:
There was no reason for the break-up? I'm sure there is a reason. If none was stated it's not because there isn't one. Either you're in denial, or he just isn't expressing to you the reason.
If he's not even bothering to tell you why, the reason becomes even more obvious: he's not into you. Period. And he doesn't even think enough of you to bother explaining.
You say he was first boyfriend. To which I say: time for the second.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
A few questions
NA, from NA asks:
Hello! I have a few questions. Why do guys not want to talk about in-depth issues (like if their girlfriend wants to talk about her problems, or concerns)? Why do they change the subject right away and talk about something else? I really enjoy being around my boyfriend, but I feel like I can barely tell him my feelings. And when he does something inconsiderate, like plan something with me but then decide that he'd rather do something else, and I bring it up to him, he seems so unwilling to talk about it and just wants to talk about good things. I would like to just not care and let it go without needing to spend time discussing things, but how can I do that? If you have any ways to help me let go of these issues easily rather than letting it get to me and then mentioning it to him?
VictorM's advice:
Let me ask you, if you want advice about the best hair dying method, do you talk to your boyfriend? If you want advice on the best brand of tampons, do you ask him? If you had to go for brain surgery, would you want your boyfriend to perform it? (I hope you say no cause otherwise this screws up my answer). No! Right? Your boyfriend isn't qualified to address any of the above. So, you don't ask him. You talk to your girlfriends or some person at a beauty salon, and the brain surgeon. Well, when it comes to listening to your feelings, your boyfriend isn't qualified. It's not his thing.
There is nothing in the job description that a boyfriend has to have ALL the qualities you'd like. Every boyfriend is going to come up short on something. Some things you can deal with, some you can't.
It's up to you to decide what you can do without. Either find someone else who is a good listener to talk to and leave that out of your dealing with your boyfriend, or find a boyfriend that has that skill.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hello! I have a few questions. Why do guys not want to talk about in-depth issues (like if their girlfriend wants to talk about her problems, or concerns)? Why do they change the subject right away and talk about something else? I really enjoy being around my boyfriend, but I feel like I can barely tell him my feelings. And when he does something inconsiderate, like plan something with me but then decide that he'd rather do something else, and I bring it up to him, he seems so unwilling to talk about it and just wants to talk about good things. I would like to just not care and let it go without needing to spend time discussing things, but how can I do that? If you have any ways to help me let go of these issues easily rather than letting it get to me and then mentioning it to him?
VictorM's advice:
Let me ask you, if you want advice about the best hair dying method, do you talk to your boyfriend? If you want advice on the best brand of tampons, do you ask him? If you had to go for brain surgery, would you want your boyfriend to perform it? (I hope you say no cause otherwise this screws up my answer). No! Right? Your boyfriend isn't qualified to address any of the above. So, you don't ask him. You talk to your girlfriends or some person at a beauty salon, and the brain surgeon. Well, when it comes to listening to your feelings, your boyfriend isn't qualified. It's not his thing.
There is nothing in the job description that a boyfriend has to have ALL the qualities you'd like. Every boyfriend is going to come up short on something. Some things you can deal with, some you can't.
It's up to you to decide what you can do without. Either find someone else who is a good listener to talk to and leave that out of your dealing with your boyfriend, or find a boyfriend that has that skill.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Relationship with ex
kelley, 19, from Bexleyheath Kent asks:
My ex and I had a relationship whilst he was still with his ex. He left her and we started. Everything was great except that we had to go away from our home town when we wanted to see each other as to not hurt our exes too soon. Towards the end of the 7 month relationship we argued because of this for two weeks on and off, but I thought it was all OK because he was telling me how much he wanted to marry me. Then in 5 days it changes and he tells me he might still be in love with his ex and leaves me! What's going on? Will he come back to me? x
VictorM's advice:
What's going on? Some will say it's "poetic justice". Some will say it's "karma". Others will say "you had it coming". I say: he doesn't know what love is, but he knows you're not it. He's gone; he's not coming back.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My ex and I had a relationship whilst he was still with his ex. He left her and we started. Everything was great except that we had to go away from our home town when we wanted to see each other as to not hurt our exes too soon. Towards the end of the 7 month relationship we argued because of this for two weeks on and off, but I thought it was all OK because he was telling me how much he wanted to marry me. Then in 5 days it changes and he tells me he might still be in love with his ex and leaves me! What's going on? Will he come back to me? x
VictorM's advice:
What's going on? Some will say it's "poetic justice". Some will say it's "karma". Others will say "you had it coming". I say: he doesn't know what love is, but he knows you're not it. He's gone; he's not coming back.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Teasing me about liking him
Alysha, 26, from Auckland asks:
So there's this guy I like. He's always teasing me about liking him. I'm not sure if he actually knows I do like him, or if he's just trying to be funny. Also he remembers every little detail that I tell him and will bring it up later. Do you think he might like me too?
VictorM's answer:
He knows you like him. He may very well like you too. Or he might just like to pull your leg.
Tease him back that he likes you. If he doesn't deny it, tell him to stop being a wimp and do something about it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
So there's this guy I like. He's always teasing me about liking him. I'm not sure if he actually knows I do like him, or if he's just trying to be funny. Also he remembers every little detail that I tell him and will bring it up later. Do you think he might like me too?
VictorM's answer:
He knows you like him. He may very well like you too. Or he might just like to pull your leg.
Tease him back that he likes you. If he doesn't deny it, tell him to stop being a wimp and do something about it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Let him know I like him
Miranda, 19, from Auckland, N.Z asks:
Hey. How do I let a guy I like know that I like him as more than a friend, without actually telling him how I feel? And then how do I get him to ask me out? (This is based on the assumption that I know that he likes me.) I don't want to come across as too pushy or eager either. Can you help me????
VictorM's advice:
Stop acting like a friend. Dress more provocatively around him, wear perfume and make-up, pay him flirting-type compliments ("I like how you look in that shirt"), if he wears cologne, get extra close to him and say "mmm smells nice", invade his space (that is, stand closer to him than you normally do)... anyway, do stuff that you wouldn't do as a friend. Arrange for time alone with him (help with homework, for example).
If he likes you, he'll ask you out; if he doesn't, well... at least you got to dress and look better!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hey. How do I let a guy I like know that I like him as more than a friend, without actually telling him how I feel? And then how do I get him to ask me out? (This is based on the assumption that I know that he likes me.) I don't want to come across as too pushy or eager either. Can you help me????
VictorM's advice:
Stop acting like a friend. Dress more provocatively around him, wear perfume and make-up, pay him flirting-type compliments ("I like how you look in that shirt"), if he wears cologne, get extra close to him and say "mmm smells nice", invade his space (that is, stand closer to him than you normally do)... anyway, do stuff that you wouldn't do as a friend. Arrange for time alone with him (help with homework, for example).
If he likes you, he'll ask you out; if he doesn't, well... at least you got to dress and look better!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Ex out of the house
MELISSA, 22, from ARIZONA asks:
I was wondering how can I get my ex boyfriend to move out of my house because we are not together any more but we have two kids plus he has no job. I have to pay all bills etc. I have met another guy and I want him to come around but he won't until my ex's is gone or moved out. I really like the new guy a lot.
VictorM's advice:
How about playing Mariah Carey music loud and often? That would have me running!
How about stacking his clothes outside and changing the locks? If he makes noise or gives you grief, call the police and get a restraining order on him. (Try to keep this from the kids).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was wondering how can I get my ex boyfriend to move out of my house because we are not together any more but we have two kids plus he has no job. I have to pay all bills etc. I have met another guy and I want him to come around but he won't until my ex's is gone or moved out. I really like the new guy a lot.
VictorM's advice:
How about playing Mariah Carey music loud and often? That would have me running!
How about stacking his clothes outside and changing the locks? If he makes noise or gives you grief, call the police and get a restraining order on him. (Try to keep this from the kids).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sweet with me, rude with my friends
Megan, 17, from Florida asks:
My boyfriend acts so sweet around me and I always have a great time with him when we are by ourselves or just with one or two friends or family, but when he is with his friends or we are with a large group of people his attitude completely changes. He is mean and rude to my friends and puts on a show, and behaves in a completely obnoxious way. It upsets me and I've tried to explain it to him, but he doesn't seem to get it. Help!
VictorM's advice:
Ahh... yes, like the Avril Lavigne song. I'm not sure what are the causes of his problems but his behavior is caused by jealousy and insecurity.
Well, the word "jerk" was invented for people like him. Jerks aren't jerks 24/7, but the behavior that classifies them as such is indicative of other problems lurking underneath. Stay with this jerk at your own risk.
Ahh, but you love him, right? *sigh* OK, well, I would suggest next time he does something you consider rude, putting on a show, or obnoxious that you pick up your stuff and leave. Just leave. No yelling, no explaining, nothing. Just leave him there. If he asks what's the matter don't answer, just leave. Keep walking.
Do this a couple of times and he'll get the message. Unless he's... a hopeless jerk!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend acts so sweet around me and I always have a great time with him when we are by ourselves or just with one or two friends or family, but when he is with his friends or we are with a large group of people his attitude completely changes. He is mean and rude to my friends and puts on a show, and behaves in a completely obnoxious way. It upsets me and I've tried to explain it to him, but he doesn't seem to get it. Help!
VictorM's advice:
Ahh... yes, like the Avril Lavigne song. I'm not sure what are the causes of his problems but his behavior is caused by jealousy and insecurity.
Well, the word "jerk" was invented for people like him. Jerks aren't jerks 24/7, but the behavior that classifies them as such is indicative of other problems lurking underneath. Stay with this jerk at your own risk.
Ahh, but you love him, right? *sigh* OK, well, I would suggest next time he does something you consider rude, putting on a show, or obnoxious that you pick up your stuff and leave. Just leave. No yelling, no explaining, nothing. Just leave him there. If he asks what's the matter don't answer, just leave. Keep walking.
Do this a couple of times and he'll get the message. Unless he's... a hopeless jerk!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, June 09, 2006
Confidential to TI:
I got your submissions today but don't recall seeing a question from a "TI" (unless you used another name). In any case, if I find it I'll drop it as requested.
Why I like him
Amber, 15, from Pa asks:
This guy asked me why I liked him and he wants reasons why. I like him a lot and I can't explain why I like him and he keeps telling me that's bull crap. Could you help me on what to say to him?
VictorM's advice:
Come on Amber, he just wants you to stroke his ego a little. You're probably thinking he wants to know deep psychological reasons but he just wants to hear things like: I like your sense of humor, I like how you dress, I like that you treat me so well, I like that you're so smart, I like that bulge in you jeans... ok, forget that last one. But, really, he's after superficial comments. Make sure to say you like his hair. Guys like that.
So, why do you really like him?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
This guy asked me why I liked him and he wants reasons why. I like him a lot and I can't explain why I like him and he keeps telling me that's bull crap. Could you help me on what to say to him?
VictorM's advice:
Come on Amber, he just wants you to stroke his ego a little. You're probably thinking he wants to know deep psychological reasons but he just wants to hear things like: I like your sense of humor, I like how you dress, I like that you treat me so well, I like that you're so smart, I like that bulge in you jeans... ok, forget that last one. But, really, he's after superficial comments. Make sure to say you like his hair. Guys like that.
So, why do you really like him?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Getting inside his head
Alexandra, from unknown asks:
Listen I need to get inside of a guys head.This boy and I have liked each other the entire school year. Everyone noticed. On the last day of school there was a little dance. Everyone was just hanging out and having a good time. One of my friends tried to hook up me and this guy cause they were in the same class. We are sorta together but neither of us is really sure. We haven't talked in a week and on the last day of school his friend said he was about to ask me out but then he ran. I feel pretty bad cause next year he is going to another school. He was the only guy I really liked and now we can't go to the same school. Its all confusing. What can I do? I know I'm not going to get over him.
VictorM's advice:
"One of my friends tried to hook up"... and "his friend said he was about to ask me out". You're relying too much on friends. Be like the fingers on the Yellow Pages commercial and do your own walking. Call him yourself. Invite him for ice cream or a movie, something like that. Go easy, be friendly, be flirty, but don't get all girly-mushy on him. Say you'd like to stay in touch. Exchange phone numbers.
What are you doing still reading? GO FIND HIS NUMBER AND CALL HIM!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Listen I need to get inside of a guys head.This boy and I have liked each other the entire school year. Everyone noticed. On the last day of school there was a little dance. Everyone was just hanging out and having a good time. One of my friends tried to hook up me and this guy cause they were in the same class. We are sorta together but neither of us is really sure. We haven't talked in a week and on the last day of school his friend said he was about to ask me out but then he ran. I feel pretty bad cause next year he is going to another school. He was the only guy I really liked and now we can't go to the same school. Its all confusing. What can I do? I know I'm not going to get over him.
VictorM's advice:
"One of my friends tried to hook up"... and "his friend said he was about to ask me out". You're relying too much on friends. Be like the fingers on the Yellow Pages commercial and do your own walking. Call him yourself. Invite him for ice cream or a movie, something like that. Go easy, be friendly, be flirty, but don't get all girly-mushy on him. Say you'd like to stay in touch. Exchange phone numbers.
What are you doing still reading? GO FIND HIS NUMBER AND CALL HIM!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
It's driving me mad
Roxy, 18, from Sydney asks:
I don't know if this guy likes me or not, I know its typical but its driving me mad! We talk online only. He'd given me his number years ago but I never called up and we lost contact. And recently I ran into him and we got in touch again (online only) now he's changed like he's settled down and all that. I see him every 2nd night at tennis, he's usually coming up to me saying hello and all but most of the times he's teasing me about stuff in a nice way or hell crack jokes and pick on me and he'll turn to my friend and get her on his side so they both start picking on me (I enjoy it!) and his mates are the same they all muck around and we all get along so well. BUT I would've thought someone interested would make more time by coming online to speak to the girl he likes more often? And he doesn't do that. He's on like once a week. He hasn't asked for my number or asked me to meet him anywhere and I'm guessing if he'd liked me he would have by now.
VictorM's advice:
Make nothing of him not coming online that often. Guys like physical contact. Many guys aren't into the whole computer chat/email thing.
The last time he gave you his phone number you never called and eventually you lost contact. That might have imprinted on his memory that you don't care for him. Why should he risk being turned down again? He hasn't asked for your number but have you asked for his? And this time, CALL HIM! Show interest and he might pursue you.
Of course, there's nothing to say he likes you any more than a friend, but if you don't want to go mad, you have to find out by taking the initiative.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I don't know if this guy likes me or not, I know its typical but its driving me mad! We talk online only. He'd given me his number years ago but I never called up and we lost contact. And recently I ran into him and we got in touch again (online only) now he's changed like he's settled down and all that. I see him every 2nd night at tennis, he's usually coming up to me saying hello and all but most of the times he's teasing me about stuff in a nice way or hell crack jokes and pick on me and he'll turn to my friend and get her on his side so they both start picking on me (I enjoy it!) and his mates are the same they all muck around and we all get along so well. BUT I would've thought someone interested would make more time by coming online to speak to the girl he likes more often? And he doesn't do that. He's on like once a week. He hasn't asked for my number or asked me to meet him anywhere and I'm guessing if he'd liked me he would have by now.
VictorM's advice:
Make nothing of him not coming online that often. Guys like physical contact. Many guys aren't into the whole computer chat/email thing.
The last time he gave you his phone number you never called and eventually you lost contact. That might have imprinted on his memory that you don't care for him. Why should he risk being turned down again? He hasn't asked for your number but have you asked for his? And this time, CALL HIM! Show interest and he might pursue you.
Of course, there's nothing to say he likes you any more than a friend, but if you don't want to go mad, you have to find out by taking the initiative.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Is he interested?
Hayley, 20, from UK asks:
There's this guy I'm interested in who I have had a laugh with a few times, but still do not know enough about him. We texted each other one early morning for an hour saying we missed each other etc. But then I didn't hear from him for a week so I texted him and he texted me back, and then I replied but I haven't heard from him since I replied which was 2 days ago. Is he interested or not?
VictorM's advice:
Hayley, forget this texting back and forth crap. Many guys hate the phone/chat/email/text world. Most like physical contact with a girl. Tell him you want to meet and talk face to face. Look in his eyes when he talks to you. That will tell you much more about his feelings than I could ever possibly do.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
There's this guy I'm interested in who I have had a laugh with a few times, but still do not know enough about him. We texted each other one early morning for an hour saying we missed each other etc. But then I didn't hear from him for a week so I texted him and he texted me back, and then I replied but I haven't heard from him since I replied which was 2 days ago. Is he interested or not?
VictorM's advice:
Hayley, forget this texting back and forth crap. Many guys hate the phone/chat/email/text world. Most like physical contact with a girl. Tell him you want to meet and talk face to face. Look in his eyes when he talks to you. That will tell you much more about his feelings than I could ever possibly do.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, June 08, 2006
He has sexual problems
sheena, 45, from scotland asks:
I met a man 5yrs younger than me 18mths ago, since then we have been seeing each other on and off. The last time it was off 3mths this time so far 10wks. He says he really likes me, and being with me, but he does not want commitment. Hardly any of his friends know about me, he finds the slightest excuse to dump me, but then comes back after awhile. We have had sex quite a few times, but mostly he won't even touch me, he does have sexual problems but I don't know if it is only with me, as he goes out nearly every night drinking and has been seen with other women. I don't understand why he can have sex with other women and not me if he likes me as he says. I love him and have told him and this seems to scare him. Thanks for any advice.
VictorM's advice:
You telling him that you love him scares him because he doesn't feel the same way about you. You're good company when the mood strikes him, but you clearly haven't caught his fancy.
Excessive drinking can cause sexual malfunction. There's nothing to suggest he doesn't have the same problems with other women. Chances are he treats them the same as he does you.
So you are in love with a man who's not into you, goes out drinking every night, is not warm with you, has problems performing sexually, hides you from his friends, dumps you easily, and hangs out with other women. You know what? I'd say you have a bigger problem than he does -- you have very low expectations! The idea that you love him just betrays low self-esteem.
My advice is to cut your losses and accept the reality that you're wasting your time with this man. Look elsewhere.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I met a man 5yrs younger than me 18mths ago, since then we have been seeing each other on and off. The last time it was off 3mths this time so far 10wks. He says he really likes me, and being with me, but he does not want commitment. Hardly any of his friends know about me, he finds the slightest excuse to dump me, but then comes back after awhile. We have had sex quite a few times, but mostly he won't even touch me, he does have sexual problems but I don't know if it is only with me, as he goes out nearly every night drinking and has been seen with other women. I don't understand why he can have sex with other women and not me if he likes me as he says. I love him and have told him and this seems to scare him. Thanks for any advice.
VictorM's advice:
You telling him that you love him scares him because he doesn't feel the same way about you. You're good company when the mood strikes him, but you clearly haven't caught his fancy.
Excessive drinking can cause sexual malfunction. There's nothing to suggest he doesn't have the same problems with other women. Chances are he treats them the same as he does you.
So you are in love with a man who's not into you, goes out drinking every night, is not warm with you, has problems performing sexually, hides you from his friends, dumps you easily, and hangs out with other women. You know what? I'd say you have a bigger problem than he does -- you have very low expectations! The idea that you love him just betrays low self-esteem.
My advice is to cut your losses and accept the reality that you're wasting your time with this man. Look elsewhere.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why so quick
jennifer, 18, from durham asks:
Why does he come so quick all the time? We have 4 play and regular sex.
VictorM's answer:
Premature ejaculation is very common among many men, more so with teenage boys. This guy is not to out of the ordinary.
Most common reason is anxiety. If you two just recently started having sex, give him some time. As he gets more comfortable with you, he might settle down and get better sense of timing.
Another reasons is sheer inexperience. He has to learn to control himself better. He can do that by stopping from time to time. If he feels the urge to ejaculate, he can stop for a few seconds. The urge subsides and he can then start again. In fact, many guys mask the need to stop by asking the girl to switch position. This way, he gains some time without having to confess he's about to ejaculate. Also, altering is speed would help him last longer. Or altering between sex and foreplay, back and forth.
If you aren't comfortable talking to him about this and giving him these suggestions, maybe you two aren't mature enough for sex. But if you can talk, make it something you two will work on together.
Search the Internet for "premature ejaculation" and I'm sure you'll find endless sites with more tips. This need not remain a problem.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why does he come so quick all the time? We have 4 play and regular sex.
VictorM's answer:
Premature ejaculation is very common among many men, more so with teenage boys. This guy is not to out of the ordinary.
Most common reason is anxiety. If you two just recently started having sex, give him some time. As he gets more comfortable with you, he might settle down and get better sense of timing.
Another reasons is sheer inexperience. He has to learn to control himself better. He can do that by stopping from time to time. If he feels the urge to ejaculate, he can stop for a few seconds. The urge subsides and he can then start again. In fact, many guys mask the need to stop by asking the girl to switch position. This way, he gains some time without having to confess he's about to ejaculate. Also, altering is speed would help him last longer. Or altering between sex and foreplay, back and forth.
If you aren't comfortable talking to him about this and giving him these suggestions, maybe you two aren't mature enough for sex. But if you can talk, make it something you two will work on together.
Search the Internet for "premature ejaculation" and I'm sure you'll find endless sites with more tips. This need not remain a problem.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
In love with an ex royal marine
eve, 37, from hertfordshire asks:
I'm in love with an ex royal marine who says he's in love with me. One minute he's lovely and makes me feel special, the next he's sarcastic and rude and it causes an argument. We don't speak and he never apologises for anything. He won't listen to how I feel and tells me I'm talking rubbish when I try to explain. I end up apologising and making it up to him!! If it was left to him we'd never see each other again. He tells me he doesn't do the running!! Help, am I making a fool of myself? Why is he too pig headed to say sorry and would rather lose me than make the first move.
VictorM' advice:
Yes, you're making a fool of yourself. You really have to grow a spine and realize this guys is a huge jerk and totally wrong for you. He's pigheaded with you in part because you let him. You apologize to him?!?! My Lord! He's a jerk but why would even he have any respect for you?
He's a marine. He's used to strictness. Be his superior officer (be tough, stern, direct, firm) or be miserable. The choice is yours. Actually, if you follow my advice you'll be gone!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm in love with an ex royal marine who says he's in love with me. One minute he's lovely and makes me feel special, the next he's sarcastic and rude and it causes an argument. We don't speak and he never apologises for anything. He won't listen to how I feel and tells me I'm talking rubbish when I try to explain. I end up apologising and making it up to him!! If it was left to him we'd never see each other again. He tells me he doesn't do the running!! Help, am I making a fool of myself? Why is he too pig headed to say sorry and would rather lose me than make the first move.
VictorM' advice:
Yes, you're making a fool of yourself. You really have to grow a spine and realize this guys is a huge jerk and totally wrong for you. He's pigheaded with you in part because you let him. You apologize to him?!?! My Lord! He's a jerk but why would even he have any respect for you?
He's a marine. He's used to strictness. Be his superior officer (be tough, stern, direct, firm) or be miserable. The choice is yours. Actually, if you follow my advice you'll be gone!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Blind date
Lori, 30, from Texas asks:
I was set up on blind date with a guy who was only in town for a few weeks. We met, good chemistry, a lot of personal talks, we really hit it off, and spent almost every night since our first date together. He acted totally into me! I thought he would be in town a while longer, so I spent the night with him and we had sex. Because of business he had to leave the next day. He left a message explaining how much he enjoyed hanging out with me, and hoped we would run into each other somewhere. He lives almost 1000 miles away. I called him back, left messages and finally heard from him about 3 weeks later. I told him I would like to visit him on weekend. He responded with business is crazy etc, but he says he does want to see me. Since then I've asked 2 more times, still the same excuse. I hardly hear from him. I wonder if he is just not interested, but is afraid of hurting my feelings, or maybe he conquered things the last night in town. I don't understand why he would say he wants to see me then blow me off. Are my instincts right that I should just let this one go or what should I do or not do?
VictorM's advice:
Your instincts are right -- let this one go. He will not tell you the truth because he either doesn't want to hurt your feelings or he doesn't want to burn any bridges in case he comes back to visit you. But clearly he doesn't want you to visit him, why I don't know. It could be that he has no interest in getting into a serious relationship with someone 1000 miles away, but it's not too hard to imagine that the real reason is that he has someone else there.
You were a fun vacation fling, but nothing more. Forget all the nice words because those are automatic responses. Move on.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was set up on blind date with a guy who was only in town for a few weeks. We met, good chemistry, a lot of personal talks, we really hit it off, and spent almost every night since our first date together. He acted totally into me! I thought he would be in town a while longer, so I spent the night with him and we had sex. Because of business he had to leave the next day. He left a message explaining how much he enjoyed hanging out with me, and hoped we would run into each other somewhere. He lives almost 1000 miles away. I called him back, left messages and finally heard from him about 3 weeks later. I told him I would like to visit him on weekend. He responded with business is crazy etc, but he says he does want to see me. Since then I've asked 2 more times, still the same excuse. I hardly hear from him. I wonder if he is just not interested, but is afraid of hurting my feelings, or maybe he conquered things the last night in town. I don't understand why he would say he wants to see me then blow me off. Are my instincts right that I should just let this one go or what should I do or not do?
VictorM's advice:
Your instincts are right -- let this one go. He will not tell you the truth because he either doesn't want to hurt your feelings or he doesn't want to burn any bridges in case he comes back to visit you. But clearly he doesn't want you to visit him, why I don't know. It could be that he has no interest in getting into a serious relationship with someone 1000 miles away, but it's not too hard to imagine that the real reason is that he has someone else there.
You were a fun vacation fling, but nothing more. Forget all the nice words because those are automatic responses. Move on.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Attractive and gorgeous
Christy, 26, from VA asks:
I have been complimented before that I am attractive and even gorgeous and have a good personality. My question is, why do the guys show me no attention or ask me out?
VictorM's advice:
They don't ask you out because you're attractive, gorgeous, and have a good personality. Let me explain.
When a mere mortal guy comes in contact with you, most likely he has at least one of these thoughts:
-- A girl this gorgeous and this nice must already have a boyfriend, so I won't waste my time.
-- A girl this gorgeous and this nice would never go out with someone like me, so I might as well avoid rejection by not even asking her out.
-- A girl this gorgeous and this nice must have tons of guys hitting on her so it would be hell to be her boyfriend.
My advice is if you see a guy you like, be a little more aggressive pursuing him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been complimented before that I am attractive and even gorgeous and have a good personality. My question is, why do the guys show me no attention or ask me out?
VictorM's advice:
They don't ask you out because you're attractive, gorgeous, and have a good personality. Let me explain.
When a mere mortal guy comes in contact with you, most likely he has at least one of these thoughts:
-- A girl this gorgeous and this nice must already have a boyfriend, so I won't waste my time.
-- A girl this gorgeous and this nice would never go out with someone like me, so I might as well avoid rejection by not even asking her out.
-- A girl this gorgeous and this nice must have tons of guys hitting on her so it would be hell to be her boyfriend.
My advice is if you see a guy you like, be a little more aggressive pursuing him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Thank you
Daytra, 33, from North Carolina says:
Just wanted to thank you for answering my question about taking things slow with my new boyfriend...Things have gotten really great since May. We've been together a little over a month now and things are just awesome...thanks for reminding me that there's nothing wrong with taking things S L O W! Keep up the great job.
VictorM's comment:
WOW! My very first 'thank you' in almost 6 months. :) I'm glad to hear all is going well.
Thanks for taking the time to write and I wish you continued good luck.
Just wanted to thank you for answering my question about taking things slow with my new boyfriend...Things have gotten really great since May. We've been together a little over a month now and things are just awesome...thanks for reminding me that there's nothing wrong with taking things S L O W! Keep up the great job.
VictorM's comment:
WOW! My very first 'thank you' in almost 6 months. :) I'm glad to hear all is going well.
Thanks for taking the time to write and I wish you continued good luck.
Going to the Prom
Kayleigh, 17, from United States asks:
So Prom is just under a week away. And there’s this amazing guy (isn’t there always...). We are good acquaintances, and we’ve got mutual friends. One of these mutual friends talked to him about me and not only did he say I was “hot”, but he said that he probably was not going to Prom, but if he was, he would definitely ask me to go with him . Our mutual friend now tells me that he might be going now, but I haven’t even gotten a hint that he is going to ask me! I’ve put SO much effort into looking beautiful for him on Prom (gorgeous dress, hair etc). Also, this boy used to work with me, but he got fired! So now I don’t have many chances to talk to him (because we’re not in the same grade at school). I know this whole thing must sound so trivial, but I like him more than I’ve ever liked anyone before, and if he doesn’t ask me, it’ll break my heart. I know how stupid that must sound, but it’s the truth. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Find a way to get in contact with him and you ask him to go to the prom with you. I mean, if you're going to go down hurting, might as well go down swinging and taking a chance he'll say yes. And who knows, maybe he wants to go with you but feels you probably already have someone else. You really have nothing to lose by asking.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
So Prom is just under a week away. And there’s this amazing guy (isn’t there always...). We are good acquaintances, and we’ve got mutual friends. One of these mutual friends talked to him about me and not only did he say I was “hot”, but he said that he probably was not going to Prom, but if he was, he would definitely ask me to go with him . Our mutual friend now tells me that he might be going now, but I haven’t even gotten a hint that he is going to ask me! I’ve put SO much effort into looking beautiful for him on Prom (gorgeous dress, hair etc). Also, this boy used to work with me, but he got fired! So now I don’t have many chances to talk to him (because we’re not in the same grade at school). I know this whole thing must sound so trivial, but I like him more than I’ve ever liked anyone before, and if he doesn’t ask me, it’ll break my heart. I know how stupid that must sound, but it’s the truth. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Find a way to get in contact with him and you ask him to go to the prom with you. I mean, if you're going to go down hurting, might as well go down swinging and taking a chance he'll say yes. And who knows, maybe he wants to go with you but feels you probably already have someone else. You really have nothing to lose by asking.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
His family disapproves
britney, 25, from cape town asks:
I have been going out with my boyfriend for 5 years and his family disapproves. They are trying everything to break us up. I am so frustrated my boyfriend says he wants to get married but I cannot wait anymore, I am gone so emotionless, he does everything with me and stands with me but still does what his family tells him. How will I know if we gonna end up together? I need advice on how to get in his mind, he doesn't open up to me when it comes to his family, I really want to get married. What do I do.
VictorM's advice:
Wow! This is difficult. Marriage is already a difficult arrangement but when you throw in a family that disapproves, it really gets complicated. If nothing else, I think you must be more understanding with him. Difficult as this is for you, it's hell for him.
This is what I think is going through his mind. I'm sure he's trying to manage his family so that you two stand a chance of being welcomed into the family. He needs time and understanding from your side, not the same kind of grief he's getting from them. He's known them a lot longer than he's known you and letting go of that bond is very, very difficult.
You will be much better off if he's able to convince his family to accept you. But to ask him to turn his back on them is asking too much and frankly, I think it would be a mistake. If you encourage his relationship with his family to be a good one, that word might get back to his family and they might see you in a different light.
But of course, there has to be a limit of time. I don't know when that is, but you should at least make sure you have given him ample time and ample support before taking a drastic action.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been going out with my boyfriend for 5 years and his family disapproves. They are trying everything to break us up. I am so frustrated my boyfriend says he wants to get married but I cannot wait anymore, I am gone so emotionless, he does everything with me and stands with me but still does what his family tells him. How will I know if we gonna end up together? I need advice on how to get in his mind, he doesn't open up to me when it comes to his family, I really want to get married. What do I do.
VictorM's advice:
Wow! This is difficult. Marriage is already a difficult arrangement but when you throw in a family that disapproves, it really gets complicated. If nothing else, I think you must be more understanding with him. Difficult as this is for you, it's hell for him.
This is what I think is going through his mind. I'm sure he's trying to manage his family so that you two stand a chance of being welcomed into the family. He needs time and understanding from your side, not the same kind of grief he's getting from them. He's known them a lot longer than he's known you and letting go of that bond is very, very difficult.
You will be much better off if he's able to convince his family to accept you. But to ask him to turn his back on them is asking too much and frankly, I think it would be a mistake. If you encourage his relationship with his family to be a good one, that word might get back to his family and they might see you in a different light.
But of course, there has to be a limit of time. I don't know when that is, but you should at least make sure you have given him ample time and ample support before taking a drastic action.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
On again, off again
Becky, 26, from nebraska asks:
Ever since me and this guy were 17 we have been on again off again thing going on. He dates other girls and I have dated other guys but eventually we always end up finding a way back, mostly we just talk and he comes over and we watch tv or talk and then well you know we get to our business together. We have a child together now but we are not technically together, he has asked me before if I want to be with him or with someone else, I told him I didn't know. I have a hard time trusting men because of our history together and of course there is our child and I just don't want him to want to be with me just because of her but because he loves me. I love him but I am unsure of how he feels about me. Do you think he does have feelings for me because he always comes back or do you think it is just because I'll give in to him and give him what he wants? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know how he really feels about you but you two seem to get along when you are together, and if he's good to your daughter, maybe you should consider his question about getting together more seriously.
Yeah, you don't trust men so finding one that you can trust isn't going to be easy anyway. You could at least give this guy one more shot. He is the father of your child and he's not 17 anymore. If it doesn't work out, really, how worse off will you be than you are today? At least you'll have your question about him answered once and for all. If, on the other hand, it works out, you get yourself the man you love, the father of your child, and a chance at the family being together. I think it's worth the risk.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Ever since me and this guy were 17 we have been on again off again thing going on. He dates other girls and I have dated other guys but eventually we always end up finding a way back, mostly we just talk and he comes over and we watch tv or talk and then well you know we get to our business together. We have a child together now but we are not technically together, he has asked me before if I want to be with him or with someone else, I told him I didn't know. I have a hard time trusting men because of our history together and of course there is our child and I just don't want him to want to be with me just because of her but because he loves me. I love him but I am unsure of how he feels about me. Do you think he does have feelings for me because he always comes back or do you think it is just because I'll give in to him and give him what he wants? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know how he really feels about you but you two seem to get along when you are together, and if he's good to your daughter, maybe you should consider his question about getting together more seriously.
Yeah, you don't trust men so finding one that you can trust isn't going to be easy anyway. You could at least give this guy one more shot. He is the father of your child and he's not 17 anymore. If it doesn't work out, really, how worse off will you be than you are today? At least you'll have your question about him answered once and for all. If, on the other hand, it works out, you get yourself the man you love, the father of your child, and a chance at the family being together. I think it's worth the risk.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, June 05, 2006
Why the fear of commitment
deborah, 44, from northcarolina asks:
Why are men afraid of commitment?
VictorM's advice:
Fear of commitment is one of guys' major defense weapons. Those who don't use it properly pay dearly for their mistakes. Sometimes the weapon is misused, but most often it comes in handy when we're not 100% sure of our partner.
The percentage of guys who have fear of commitment when they feel they found their perfect mate is much, much lower than those who aren't sure.
With some exceptions you can count of this formula: fear of commitment = he's not sure you're "it". Pretty useful, wouldn't you say?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why are men afraid of commitment?
VictorM's advice:
Fear of commitment is one of guys' major defense weapons. Those who don't use it properly pay dearly for their mistakes. Sometimes the weapon is misused, but most often it comes in handy when we're not 100% sure of our partner.
The percentage of guys who have fear of commitment when they feel they found their perfect mate is much, much lower than those who aren't sure.
With some exceptions you can count of this formula: fear of commitment = he's not sure you're "it". Pretty useful, wouldn't you say?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He disappears for a couple of days
Cindy, 26, from SC asks:
I am 26 and the guy I have been dating for a year is 34. He has never been married and doesn't have kids. I have 2 kids and left a very bad marriage when I meet him. We are very much in love with each other. He says all the time that he has never felt or loved anyone as much as he does me or has had someone to love or show him love the way I do. We did live together for 4 months and he moved out cause of personal financial situations when my divorce finally happened. We have talked about him moving back in and he is planning to within the next month because he wants to move back in. He tells me 10+ times a day that he is in love with me, that we are going to get married, and that he wants me to have his babies and that he wants us to be a family together more then anything. We have even went and looked at rings 2 weeks ago. There has been several times in the past 6 mths that we had plans and I never heard from him or saw him for 2-3 days. I would call and he wouldn't answer. Then I would finally run to him and ask what happened, why did you do this and he has no reason as to why and says he has no intentions to hurt me and doesn't want to hurt me even though he knows when he does this it does. He has had 2 very long relationships before but never made a commitment. He finally told me last night that maybe he feels a little scared about marriage and all but he really wants this to happen and that is was going to happen. He talked about calling a psychologist to talk to help him with the fear that he is having. I have no doubt at all that he loves me. But I am ready to take steps forward with my life in reality if he has never married yet will his commitment phobia keep him from marrying me? I can't understand why he does the no showing up and calling about once a month when it hurts me very badly and he knows it does. I sometimes wonder how can you hurt the someone you love. I would never hurt him and make him feel the way he makes me feel when he does this to. Is it possible for him to really not know why he does this or you think he just says that cause he doesn't want to really let the reason out to why he does. I actually broke up with him 3 days ago when he did this again. He says we are not broke up and I say we are he says he doesn't want to lose me and doesn't want me to let him go. That I am his heart and that he would die for me and that he want a future with me a family with me to grow old with me. What should I do? My heart says give him another chance he finally admitted to being scared of commitment even though he want it and has never wanted anything more then he wants it to happen. Or should I stay broke up with him cause I am afraid for him to do this again and hurt me that way again and I wonder if we will ever marry and have the things that we both say we want. HELP.................
VictorM's advice:
You say you'd never hurt him the way he hurts you but you broke up with him. What, don't you think that hurt him? I think you throw the word "hurt" around a bit too much. Hurt can be inflicted by others but mostly, when it comes to relationships, it's self-inflicted. You seem much more bothered by what his "disappearances" do to you than what it could possibly be doing to him. For example, does he have a drug problem? A gambling problem? Go on drinking binges? Frankly, I think there's much more to be concerned about him than what it does to you.
I have no idea why he disappears. I covered above some possible bad reasons. But there are some legitimate reasons for doing it. Maybe he needs some alone time, or time with his buddies. Maybe he goes fishing or camping with the guys. These would be all healthy reasons for taking time away from you. Why doesn't he tell you or explain to you why he goes away? Maybe he thinks -- right or wrong -- that you're clingy and not the understanding type. So he acts on the premise that "getting forgiveness is easier than getting approval."
You need to find out if there are sinister reasons for his actions and deal with them. If you're convinced there is nothing sinister, I suggest you let him know that you encourage him to spend time alone from time to time but you just ask that he let you know so you don't worry that something happened to him (frankly, I'm surprised that's not the reason you gave for it to be a problem).
As long as you act as if what this does to you is all that matters, his commitment is going to continue to waiver. Maybe, just maybe, what he needs is not counseling but a more understanding and less selfish girlfriend.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am 26 and the guy I have been dating for a year is 34. He has never been married and doesn't have kids. I have 2 kids and left a very bad marriage when I meet him. We are very much in love with each other. He says all the time that he has never felt or loved anyone as much as he does me or has had someone to love or show him love the way I do. We did live together for 4 months and he moved out cause of personal financial situations when my divorce finally happened. We have talked about him moving back in and he is planning to within the next month because he wants to move back in. He tells me 10+ times a day that he is in love with me, that we are going to get married, and that he wants me to have his babies and that he wants us to be a family together more then anything. We have even went and looked at rings 2 weeks ago. There has been several times in the past 6 mths that we had plans and I never heard from him or saw him for 2-3 days. I would call and he wouldn't answer. Then I would finally run to him and ask what happened, why did you do this and he has no reason as to why and says he has no intentions to hurt me and doesn't want to hurt me even though he knows when he does this it does. He has had 2 very long relationships before but never made a commitment. He finally told me last night that maybe he feels a little scared about marriage and all but he really wants this to happen and that is was going to happen. He talked about calling a psychologist to talk to help him with the fear that he is having. I have no doubt at all that he loves me. But I am ready to take steps forward with my life in reality if he has never married yet will his commitment phobia keep him from marrying me? I can't understand why he does the no showing up and calling about once a month when it hurts me very badly and he knows it does. I sometimes wonder how can you hurt the someone you love. I would never hurt him and make him feel the way he makes me feel when he does this to. Is it possible for him to really not know why he does this or you think he just says that cause he doesn't want to really let the reason out to why he does. I actually broke up with him 3 days ago when he did this again. He says we are not broke up and I say we are he says he doesn't want to lose me and doesn't want me to let him go. That I am his heart and that he would die for me and that he want a future with me a family with me to grow old with me. What should I do? My heart says give him another chance he finally admitted to being scared of commitment even though he want it and has never wanted anything more then he wants it to happen. Or should I stay broke up with him cause I am afraid for him to do this again and hurt me that way again and I wonder if we will ever marry and have the things that we both say we want. HELP.................
VictorM's advice:
You say you'd never hurt him the way he hurts you but you broke up with him. What, don't you think that hurt him? I think you throw the word "hurt" around a bit too much. Hurt can be inflicted by others but mostly, when it comes to relationships, it's self-inflicted. You seem much more bothered by what his "disappearances" do to you than what it could possibly be doing to him. For example, does he have a drug problem? A gambling problem? Go on drinking binges? Frankly, I think there's much more to be concerned about him than what it does to you.
I have no idea why he disappears. I covered above some possible bad reasons. But there are some legitimate reasons for doing it. Maybe he needs some alone time, or time with his buddies. Maybe he goes fishing or camping with the guys. These would be all healthy reasons for taking time away from you. Why doesn't he tell you or explain to you why he goes away? Maybe he thinks -- right or wrong -- that you're clingy and not the understanding type. So he acts on the premise that "getting forgiveness is easier than getting approval."
You need to find out if there are sinister reasons for his actions and deal with them. If you're convinced there is nothing sinister, I suggest you let him know that you encourage him to spend time alone from time to time but you just ask that he let you know so you don't worry that something happened to him (frankly, I'm surprised that's not the reason you gave for it to be a problem).
As long as you act as if what this does to you is all that matters, his commitment is going to continue to waiver. Maybe, just maybe, what he needs is not counseling but a more understanding and less selfish girlfriend.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Went on a first date
julie, 21, from fremont asks:
I know this person for almost a year, but only as friend base, anyways.. we went on a first date recently, and now i sit and wonder if he really likes me? The date went well, it was very surprising, he pick me up, brought me 14 red roses bouquet, and then he took me to eat dinner at an Italian restaurant, and listen to a jazz band playing live from across the place we dined, and he was all smiles and being a gentlemen. After that night was done, he took me home, walk me to the door way, which I only went half way.. and then turn to thank him for a great night and gave him a hug and then see him off... 30 minutes after I got a miss call from him, I called him back back asking if something is amiss, and he said he just want to know if I got inside safe, which was only 4 steps...and then I made the call short...was I wrong to do that? He hasn't call me since that last call.. Should I call him? I do like him. I am just wondering if he likes me or did he take offensive of me letting him walk me half way and cutting the call short...did I hurt part of his ego?
VictorM's answer:
I would be surprised if you hurt his ego or if he's bothered by it. Guys don't sit around and analyze every move to the smallest detail. He may take a few days before he calls you again. If he doesn't, you should call him and make it clear you enjoyed his company and would like to go out again. If you like the guy, show a little more interest. Thanking him for the evening isn't enough and cutting off phone calls sends a negative message. Unless he gets encouragement from you he'll find something else who likes roses and jazz.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I know this person for almost a year, but only as friend base, anyways.. we went on a first date recently, and now i sit and wonder if he really likes me? The date went well, it was very surprising, he pick me up, brought me 14 red roses bouquet, and then he took me to eat dinner at an Italian restaurant, and listen to a jazz band playing live from across the place we dined, and he was all smiles and being a gentlemen. After that night was done, he took me home, walk me to the door way, which I only went half way.. and then turn to thank him for a great night and gave him a hug and then see him off... 30 minutes after I got a miss call from him, I called him back back asking if something is amiss, and he said he just want to know if I got inside safe, which was only 4 steps...and then I made the call short...was I wrong to do that? He hasn't call me since that last call.. Should I call him? I do like him. I am just wondering if he likes me or did he take offensive of me letting him walk me half way and cutting the call short...did I hurt part of his ego?
VictorM's answer:
I would be surprised if you hurt his ego or if he's bothered by it. Guys don't sit around and analyze every move to the smallest detail. He may take a few days before he calls you again. If he doesn't, you should call him and make it clear you enjoyed his company and would like to go out again. If you like the guy, show a little more interest. Thanking him for the evening isn't enough and cutting off phone calls sends a negative message. Unless he gets encouragement from you he'll find something else who likes roses and jazz.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, June 04, 2006
He does not want to be too intimate
Elizabeth, 35, from NY asks:
I met this man of 41 online on a dating website and we have met in person. Our first date we met and we hit it off really well. He was giving me many compliments and he said we have a connection and he is very attracted to me. He took me out to dinner the next date to a really nice place. When I arrived he had a dozen roses sitting on my chair and we had a great time. The next time we met we spent some alone time in his house and we started to get a little intimate together but it never went to the extreme. We then saw each other again and he told me he can see himself falling for me. He took himself off this dating website too since he met me. He does not want to be too intimate with me though and I do. He says that he wants it to be special and he wants to take things slow. I don't get it!!! We have met now for the past 3weeks about 6 times. If he says he is so attracted to me then why would he push me away intimately?
VictorM's advice:
He told you why: he wants it to be special and take things slow. Three weeks is nothing. I don't understand your rush. He's being a gentleman and you're complaining.
OK, that was the politically correct answer. It could be the real reason, but it's not as juicy as this: he has some kind of sexual insecurity. Maybe ED, concern with his appearance (size!), lack of desire, etc. The question is, how do you know what the problem is? You don't. But you can be sure it's not you. If he wasn't attracted to you physically he wouldn't still be seeing you. So remove yourself from the equation.
I think it's best to assume he's just being a gentleman for now and initiate intimate moments to see how far they go. When you kiss him does he get all worked up or is he indifferent? Can you fell him getting hard (come on, you can cleverly try to find out)? But don't push it if he seems to resist.
One other thing: if he was married or in a serious relationship that ended because she cheated on him, he may be looking for a woman who doesn't hop into bed that easily.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I met this man of 41 online on a dating website and we have met in person. Our first date we met and we hit it off really well. He was giving me many compliments and he said we have a connection and he is very attracted to me. He took me out to dinner the next date to a really nice place. When I arrived he had a dozen roses sitting on my chair and we had a great time. The next time we met we spent some alone time in his house and we started to get a little intimate together but it never went to the extreme. We then saw each other again and he told me he can see himself falling for me. He took himself off this dating website too since he met me. He does not want to be too intimate with me though and I do. He says that he wants it to be special and he wants to take things slow. I don't get it!!! We have met now for the past 3weeks about 6 times. If he says he is so attracted to me then why would he push me away intimately?
VictorM's advice:
He told you why: he wants it to be special and take things slow. Three weeks is nothing. I don't understand your rush. He's being a gentleman and you're complaining.
OK, that was the politically correct answer. It could be the real reason, but it's not as juicy as this: he has some kind of sexual insecurity. Maybe ED, concern with his appearance (size!), lack of desire, etc. The question is, how do you know what the problem is? You don't. But you can be sure it's not you. If he wasn't attracted to you physically he wouldn't still be seeing you. So remove yourself from the equation.
I think it's best to assume he's just being a gentleman for now and initiate intimate moments to see how far they go. When you kiss him does he get all worked up or is he indifferent? Can you fell him getting hard (come on, you can cleverly try to find out)? But don't push it if he seems to resist.
One other thing: if he was married or in a serious relationship that ended because she cheated on him, he may be looking for a woman who doesn't hop into bed that easily.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He decided he needed space
Brianne, 22, from Michigan asks:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. A couple of weeks ago we got into a situation, which was my fault. I've apologized over and over again. He told me he needed sometime to think. Some time passed and then he decided he needed space. The space wasn't working out well and he broke up with me. We still love each other, and care about each other. I want to be with him and show him we are meant to be together. He says he is questioning things and isn't sure what he wants. Is he just scared of a good thing or is he trying to let me down easy? This is our first big fight and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Help!
VictorM's advice:
Scared of a good thing?! No! Something happened that's making him question if you are a good thing. Whatever it was you did is spooking him because it revealed something about you he didn't like. Sometimes, apologies just aren't enough.
Continuing to apologize isn't going to make any difference. In fact, it just keeps bringing the issue up, so drop it. Just let him know that you love him but the ball is on his court.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. A couple of weeks ago we got into a situation, which was my fault. I've apologized over and over again. He told me he needed sometime to think. Some time passed and then he decided he needed space. The space wasn't working out well and he broke up with me. We still love each other, and care about each other. I want to be with him and show him we are meant to be together. He says he is questioning things and isn't sure what he wants. Is he just scared of a good thing or is he trying to let me down easy? This is our first big fight and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Help!
VictorM's advice:
Scared of a good thing?! No! Something happened that's making him question if you are a good thing. Whatever it was you did is spooking him because it revealed something about you he didn't like. Sometimes, apologies just aren't enough.
Continuing to apologize isn't going to make any difference. In fact, it just keeps bringing the issue up, so drop it. Just let him know that you love him but the ball is on his court.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Lovey dovey no more
audrah, 29, from nevada asks:
Hi my question is why would a guy that has asked you to marry him and has told his family already, start to go from hot to cold ie. one day everything is lovey dovey the next he hardly will talk to me. Our sex life has gone from every night to 3 times a week. He does not really even want to snuggel with me. When I ask him what the deal is he says he is just beat. I know he is not cheating but I don't understand the recent lack of feeling. Could you give me any insight?
VictorM's advice:
Sure. It's called "cold feet". He's getting them and doesn't quite know how to deal with it. One of two things will happen: he'll either get over it (it's normal to go through this stage once marriage is considered), or he'll break-up with you because the prospect of spending the rest of his life with you has lost its appeal.
The best you can do is lay off his back for now. Let him mull his feelings over and get to a point of making a decision one way or the other. Any push by you will most likely have the opposite affect. Just don't marry him unless you see a change for the better.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi my question is why would a guy that has asked you to marry him and has told his family already, start to go from hot to cold ie. one day everything is lovey dovey the next he hardly will talk to me. Our sex life has gone from every night to 3 times a week. He does not really even want to snuggel with me. When I ask him what the deal is he says he is just beat. I know he is not cheating but I don't understand the recent lack of feeling. Could you give me any insight?
VictorM's advice:
Sure. It's called "cold feet". He's getting them and doesn't quite know how to deal with it. One of two things will happen: he'll either get over it (it's normal to go through this stage once marriage is considered), or he'll break-up with you because the prospect of spending the rest of his life with you has lost its appeal.
The best you can do is lay off his back for now. Let him mull his feelings over and get to a point of making a decision one way or the other. Any push by you will most likely have the opposite affect. Just don't marry him unless you see a change for the better.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, June 03, 2006
I met this guy at a bar
Ashley, 20, from minnesota asks:
I met this guy at a bar about a month ago. We hang out at leat 2 or 3 times a week and he calls me almost every day. We have slept in the same bed like 7 times and he has never tried to have sex with me until the last time. He has never taken me out on a date, we usually just hang out at either his or my house. I'm just wondering if he really likes me or just is seeing how far he can get with me? I'm so confused because of how long he waited to try anything with me. What should I say to him?
VictorM's advice:
I can understand him not wanting to rush into sex for fear he would scare you. There's no reason to believe he doesn't have the best of intentions. He just seems happy spending time around the house with you. It's cheaper and more comfortable. If given a choice, most guys would be happy with that.
He has never taken you out on a date, but have you taken him out a date? Or have you mentioned you'd like to go to dinner, a movie, a drive? Try it, I bet he's all for it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I met this guy at a bar about a month ago. We hang out at leat 2 or 3 times a week and he calls me almost every day. We have slept in the same bed like 7 times and he has never tried to have sex with me until the last time. He has never taken me out on a date, we usually just hang out at either his or my house. I'm just wondering if he really likes me or just is seeing how far he can get with me? I'm so confused because of how long he waited to try anything with me. What should I say to him?
VictorM's advice:
I can understand him not wanting to rush into sex for fear he would scare you. There's no reason to believe he doesn't have the best of intentions. He just seems happy spending time around the house with you. It's cheaper and more comfortable. If given a choice, most guys would be happy with that.
He has never taken you out on a date, but have you taken him out a date? Or have you mentioned you'd like to go to dinner, a movie, a drive? Try it, I bet he's all for it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Still be friends
talia, 19, from south africa asks:
Why do guys leave you and then tell you that you can still be friends?
VictorM's advice:
That's not just guys who do that. Usually, the one doing the dumping says stuff like that. Since they have no emotions invested anymore why burn any bridges? Besides, just because a guy falls out of love with you doesn't mean he doesn't like you and care for you. Some people are much better friends than they are lovers.
And if the sex with you was good, why not stay in touch? Who knows, you might come in handy some cold lonely night down the road.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why do guys leave you and then tell you that you can still be friends?
VictorM's advice:
That's not just guys who do that. Usually, the one doing the dumping says stuff like that. Since they have no emotions invested anymore why burn any bridges? Besides, just because a guy falls out of love with you doesn't mean he doesn't like you and care for you. Some people are much better friends than they are lovers.
And if the sex with you was good, why not stay in touch? Who knows, you might come in handy some cold lonely night down the road.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
They are dating
Joan, 51, from Colorado asks:
I want to know if a guy makes comments to you and acts as if he is very interested in you, comments such as no one would want to pass up a chance to have a conversation with a pretty little thing like you. Then you have to meet him somewhere and he shows up all dressed up and tells you to call him anytime you want etc. then a few days go by and you have to meet him for something again he shows up with a girl and says to you have you meet cindy which is the girls name. They both make comments to the effect that they have been fishing and gone to church together it is a small commmunity so a few days later you hear through the grapevine that they are dating. When he introduced her why didn't he just say this is my girlfriend?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know, maybe because she wasn't his girlfriend yet when you met her? They were friends when they went fishing. Then, they made the move to being a couple. Until then, he was unattached and paying you compliments was a natural thing.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I want to know if a guy makes comments to you and acts as if he is very interested in you, comments such as no one would want to pass up a chance to have a conversation with a pretty little thing like you. Then you have to meet him somewhere and he shows up all dressed up and tells you to call him anytime you want etc. then a few days go by and you have to meet him for something again he shows up with a girl and says to you have you meet cindy which is the girls name. They both make comments to the effect that they have been fishing and gone to church together it is a small commmunity so a few days later you hear through the grapevine that they are dating. When he introduced her why didn't he just say this is my girlfriend?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know, maybe because she wasn't his girlfriend yet when you met her? They were friends when they went fishing. Then, they made the move to being a couple. Until then, he was unattached and paying you compliments was a natural thing.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What can women do
Cassie, from California asks:
Hello! I wanted to ask you, a lot of women make the same mistakes, for example: being needy, etc. What can women do to make guys want them more? It seems like in a lot of situations, they get too comfortable in the relationship, and start being a jerk or acting like they don't matter and moving on to the next girl. It seems as if guys are very interested in girls when they first meet them (for a few months) and then they lose interest, while girls tend to not break open their shell until they've been going out for a while, and when they do this, the guy isn't interested anymore. I would like to know how girls can keep their interest and be more exciting? Are they supposed to not act very interested or deny requests to hang out? Not call? How do they still maintain to be exciting if they don't do this? Don't they seem exciting by hanging out with them more? Should girls not seem so needy, or try and be not as sensitive? Hang out with other guys? Lots of questions, and lots of confusion. Mainly, I would like to know how to be a one-of-a-kind girl, and I know that girls should just be who they are, and the guy should accept it, but I think that there are little changes girls can make to keep them interested and excited. Tell me some little changes I can make. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
Boy, I could write a book about this. But I'll try to fit it all in a paragraph.
The single most important thing you can do to have a good relationship is to have a healthy, busy, and varied life WITHOUT your boyfriend/husband. Have your own friends, do things with them, have hobbies, dress the way you like, go to school or work if that's what you want. In the context of that lifestyle, be kind, fun, warm, loving, and attentive with your boyfriend/husband. But NEVER neglect your own life, your own needs, your friends, your family, your career, your faith, etc.
If you can be happy when he's not around, virtually everything else gets taken care of. And he if can't accept this about you, he's the wrong guy for you.
Couples who accept that they are two individuals are happier couples, otherwise, life becomes a thug-of-war and sooner or later, one of you will wind up flat in the mud.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hello! I wanted to ask you, a lot of women make the same mistakes, for example: being needy, etc. What can women do to make guys want them more? It seems like in a lot of situations, they get too comfortable in the relationship, and start being a jerk or acting like they don't matter and moving on to the next girl. It seems as if guys are very interested in girls when they first meet them (for a few months) and then they lose interest, while girls tend to not break open their shell until they've been going out for a while, and when they do this, the guy isn't interested anymore. I would like to know how girls can keep their interest and be more exciting? Are they supposed to not act very interested or deny requests to hang out? Not call? How do they still maintain to be exciting if they don't do this? Don't they seem exciting by hanging out with them more? Should girls not seem so needy, or try and be not as sensitive? Hang out with other guys? Lots of questions, and lots of confusion. Mainly, I would like to know how to be a one-of-a-kind girl, and I know that girls should just be who they are, and the guy should accept it, but I think that there are little changes girls can make to keep them interested and excited. Tell me some little changes I can make. Thank you.
VictorM's advice:
Boy, I could write a book about this. But I'll try to fit it all in a paragraph.
The single most important thing you can do to have a good relationship is to have a healthy, busy, and varied life WITHOUT your boyfriend/husband. Have your own friends, do things with them, have hobbies, dress the way you like, go to school or work if that's what you want. In the context of that lifestyle, be kind, fun, warm, loving, and attentive with your boyfriend/husband. But NEVER neglect your own life, your own needs, your friends, your family, your career, your faith, etc.
If you can be happy when he's not around, virtually everything else gets taken care of. And he if can't accept this about you, he's the wrong guy for you.
Couples who accept that they are two individuals are happier couples, otherwise, life becomes a thug-of-war and sooner or later, one of you will wind up flat in the mud.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Upset with my boyfriend
Lucia, 17, from UK asks:
Hey I'm really confused and upset with my boyfriend at the moment. We've been together nearly six months, I've lost my virginity to him, I treat him stupidly well. Recently he's started to act like he doesn't care, he doesn't ring or text, and he brings mates along to our dates. However, when I asked him about this he got really upset, and told me he loves me and he wishes I would believe it. I am trying to, but every little time he hurts me I am irritable with him and he's sick of the complaining. What is going on? Lucy
VictorM's advice:
He loves you but there's more to life than you. Spending time with his friends his important to him, and frankly, it's healthier if he does.
What's going on? Simple: you're turning into a nagging girlfriend and frankly, who wants to put up with that for too long? The more you complain the more he prefers not to call you.
Stop treating him so "stupidly well" (which probably means you suffocate him with attention) and let him spend time with his mates to do the things guys like to do together.
The happier he is away from you, the happier he'll be with you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hey I'm really confused and upset with my boyfriend at the moment. We've been together nearly six months, I've lost my virginity to him, I treat him stupidly well. Recently he's started to act like he doesn't care, he doesn't ring or text, and he brings mates along to our dates. However, when I asked him about this he got really upset, and told me he loves me and he wishes I would believe it. I am trying to, but every little time he hurts me I am irritable with him and he's sick of the complaining. What is going on? Lucy
VictorM's advice:
He loves you but there's more to life than you. Spending time with his friends his important to him, and frankly, it's healthier if he does.
What's going on? Simple: you're turning into a nagging girlfriend and frankly, who wants to put up with that for too long? The more you complain the more he prefers not to call you.
Stop treating him so "stupidly well" (which probably means you suffocate him with attention) and let him spend time with his mates to do the things guys like to do together.
The happier he is away from you, the happier he'll be with you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, June 02, 2006
A good laugh and dancing
emma, 19, from uk asks:
I have known this guy for a few months, have seen him a few times. The 1st time I saw him he was nice but I didnt really pay much attention 2 him, the nxt time I saw him we had a good laugh and dancin 2gether and had a chat wen every1 went 2 bed. The nxt time we went out and I got off wit this lad I knew and my m8 said he looked jealous and l8r that nite we had a good chat and got quite close. The nxt day he kept teasin me about this lad sayin he was minging and he couldnt believe I got off wit him. He said I was lovely and cud do much better than him. When I saw him nxt day his face lit up and he followed me in2 the livin room 2 sit with me, he was makin me laugh and remembered stuff I had said 2 him b4 and said he went round lookin 4 me at work that day. Then l8r that nite he took me home in his car and said thanx 4 dancin with me last nite, and I got shy and said bye. I got his number off a m8 a wk l8r and txt him at nite. He didnt txt bk till early nxt mornin saying he was sorry he didnt txt earlier but he were out on the piss, and sayin that he misses me and my dancin. He said we cud of met up in the wk if I had his number earlier. But Im not sure if he is interested or just bein friendly or is a player. Can u help plz?
VictorM's answer:
I'll try 2. I thinks he lyks u cz he spends time w/ u when he cud b w/ his m8s. but he cud b competing w/ the other guy cz guys r lyk that. U need 2 realize that every guy, when he 1st meets u, cud b friendly, a player, or lyk u alot. It's up 2 u 2 learn more about him n figure out his intentions.
(Damn, it's a lot of work to write like that.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have known this guy for a few months, have seen him a few times. The 1st time I saw him he was nice but I didnt really pay much attention 2 him, the nxt time I saw him we had a good laugh and dancin 2gether and had a chat wen every1 went 2 bed. The nxt time we went out and I got off wit this lad I knew and my m8 said he looked jealous and l8r that nite we had a good chat and got quite close. The nxt day he kept teasin me about this lad sayin he was minging and he couldnt believe I got off wit him. He said I was lovely and cud do much better than him. When I saw him nxt day his face lit up and he followed me in2 the livin room 2 sit with me, he was makin me laugh and remembered stuff I had said 2 him b4 and said he went round lookin 4 me at work that day. Then l8r that nite he took me home in his car and said thanx 4 dancin with me last nite, and I got shy and said bye. I got his number off a m8 a wk l8r and txt him at nite. He didnt txt bk till early nxt mornin saying he was sorry he didnt txt earlier but he were out on the piss, and sayin that he misses me and my dancin. He said we cud of met up in the wk if I had his number earlier. But Im not sure if he is interested or just bein friendly or is a player. Can u help plz?
VictorM's answer:
I'll try 2. I thinks he lyks u cz he spends time w/ u when he cud b w/ his m8s. but he cud b competing w/ the other guy cz guys r lyk that. U need 2 realize that every guy, when he 1st meets u, cud b friendly, a player, or lyk u alot. It's up 2 u 2 learn more about him n figure out his intentions.
(Damn, it's a lot of work to write like that.)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
BBQ cold shoulder
Kim, 25, from Colorado asks:
I met a guy and we hit it off great! We spent a whole night laughing and completing each other's sentences. The next day he invited me to a BBQ at his house. When I got there he seemed to avoid me. Why is that?
VictorM's answer:
Could it be because there were other girls there with whom he also had spent the night laughing and completing sentences? My guess is there was someone there he was more interested in than you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I met a guy and we hit it off great! We spent a whole night laughing and completing each other's sentences. The next day he invited me to a BBQ at his house. When I got there he seemed to avoid me. Why is that?
VictorM's answer:
Could it be because there were other girls there with whom he also had spent the night laughing and completing sentences? My guess is there was someone there he was more interested in than you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He was crazy about me
Kasey, 26, from santa barbra asks:
I was with this guy for a few months and he was crazy about me and then all of a sudden he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and he wanted to slow everything down. Now I hardly talk to him... How can I get his attention again so he loves me again?
VictorM's advice:
Once a person's interest for another declines, getting that interest back could be as hard as putting toothpaste back in the tube.
There are things you can do to catch a guy's attention, such as how you dress, but ultimately, there are no tricks to keep that interest over time -- after a while, either he likes you for who you are or he doesn't. Once you get past the superficial stuff, there's little else you can do but stand on your own, being who you are. He got past the superficial stuff and realized you're not "it" for him.
Oh well... it sucks to be him. His loss.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was with this guy for a few months and he was crazy about me and then all of a sudden he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and he wanted to slow everything down. Now I hardly talk to him... How can I get his attention again so he loves me again?
VictorM's advice:
Once a person's interest for another declines, getting that interest back could be as hard as putting toothpaste back in the tube.
There are things you can do to catch a guy's attention, such as how you dress, but ultimately, there are no tricks to keep that interest over time -- after a while, either he likes you for who you are or he doesn't. Once you get past the superficial stuff, there's little else you can do but stand on your own, being who you are. He got past the superficial stuff and realized you're not "it" for him.
Oh well... it sucks to be him. His loss.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
On the third date it was a nightmare
Samaire, 25, from Gold Coast, Australia asks:
I was seeing a friend of a friend recently. I have liked him from a distance for around a year. We met at our mutual friends birthday party and he asked our friend for my number. He called and asked me out. We went on two dates, had a ball together. Fun times! On the third date it was a nightmare from word GO. We met and were going to take a cruise....but whilst waiting for the ferry, we bumped into the girlfriend of another friend of his. By the way she was dressed I'd say she was a pole dancer or similar. She spoke to him in Spanish (his native tongue) and didn't even look at me, it was like I wasn't there. He spoke back to her in Spanish and he handed his mobile phone to her and she used it and he finally turned to me and said who she was (no name given). We then got onto the ferry, as did she. We sat away from her and the whole night was horrible. He felt ill and was very quiet and said to me I was very quiet. Well I was very annoyed and not being introduced and he spoke another language I don't speak in front of me! The entire night was awful he wasn't flirty and seemed disinterested in being with me. Needless to say he has only texted me twice since. And three weeks later....NOTHING. What the hell happened! He told our friend I was hot and really liked me....All of my friends think he saw that wannabe stripper and that was the end of me? What is your opinion?
VictorM's advice:
As hot as you may be, he saw a side of you that night that he didn't like. From his point of view, this is how the night went: he saw a friend, spoke to her in their native tongue, introduced you to her (no name because she's no one of consequence), he was feeling ill but you didn't care. YOU ruined his night by being a grouch and not understanding that he wasn't feeling well. So, yeah, you're hot and he may like lots of things about you but there are heaps of hot and fun girls in Australia, so... he'll move on to one that's more understanding and less cranky.
Your friends are wrong. The wannabee stripper had nothing to do with this; your annoyed attitude that night did.
Now, I'm not taking sides, just giving you a possible scenario of how he saw the night.
I don't blame you for being annoyed. Heck, if your story is accurate you should have dumped the creep overboard that night.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was seeing a friend of a friend recently. I have liked him from a distance for around a year. We met at our mutual friends birthday party and he asked our friend for my number. He called and asked me out. We went on two dates, had a ball together. Fun times! On the third date it was a nightmare from word GO. We met and were going to take a cruise....but whilst waiting for the ferry, we bumped into the girlfriend of another friend of his. By the way she was dressed I'd say she was a pole dancer or similar. She spoke to him in Spanish (his native tongue) and didn't even look at me, it was like I wasn't there. He spoke back to her in Spanish and he handed his mobile phone to her and she used it and he finally turned to me and said who she was (no name given). We then got onto the ferry, as did she. We sat away from her and the whole night was horrible. He felt ill and was very quiet and said to me I was very quiet. Well I was very annoyed and not being introduced and he spoke another language I don't speak in front of me! The entire night was awful he wasn't flirty and seemed disinterested in being with me. Needless to say he has only texted me twice since. And three weeks later....NOTHING. What the hell happened! He told our friend I was hot and really liked me....All of my friends think he saw that wannabe stripper and that was the end of me? What is your opinion?
VictorM's advice:
As hot as you may be, he saw a side of you that night that he didn't like. From his point of view, this is how the night went: he saw a friend, spoke to her in their native tongue, introduced you to her (no name because she's no one of consequence), he was feeling ill but you didn't care. YOU ruined his night by being a grouch and not understanding that he wasn't feeling well. So, yeah, you're hot and he may like lots of things about you but there are heaps of hot and fun girls in Australia, so... he'll move on to one that's more understanding and less cranky.
Your friends are wrong. The wannabee stripper had nothing to do with this; your annoyed attitude that night did.
Now, I'm not taking sides, just giving you a possible scenario of how he saw the night.
I don't blame you for being annoyed. Heck, if your story is accurate you should have dumped the creep overboard that night.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, June 01, 2006
He has stopped calling
Tammy, 30, from Portsmouth, VA asks:
I have dated my boyfriend for about 9 months. All of a sudden he has stopped calling and returning messages except for a few "I'll call you backs" (but doesn't). He is a busy guy (military) but this has gone on for a while now and I really want to know where this came from. If he wants to break up, how come he won't just say that instead? We're too old for games. When I gave him an out and he didn't take it.
VictorM's advice:
Even if he wanted an out it doesn't surprise me that he didn't take it. Even if he's over you, like most guys, he just wants to delay the inevitable.
It's not a matter of playing mind games, it could be that he's not sure about his feelings at this point or, if he has any doubts about you, that he thinks it's just a phase. Or maybe he's just busy at work and lazy in the relationship.
No matter what the real reason is, one thing is for sure: he's neglecting his duties in this relationship (no one is ever that busy to return a call or give an explanation). And so this is a legitimate concern of yours.
I encourage you to consider what's important to you and to not ignore red flags that alert you early on to potential problems down the road. If he shows neglect now he'll most likely be the same way, or worst, once married. If that's not something you want to put up with, put your foot down now.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have dated my boyfriend for about 9 months. All of a sudden he has stopped calling and returning messages except for a few "I'll call you backs" (but doesn't). He is a busy guy (military) but this has gone on for a while now and I really want to know where this came from. If he wants to break up, how come he won't just say that instead? We're too old for games. When I gave him an out and he didn't take it.
VictorM's advice:
Even if he wanted an out it doesn't surprise me that he didn't take it. Even if he's over you, like most guys, he just wants to delay the inevitable.
It's not a matter of playing mind games, it could be that he's not sure about his feelings at this point or, if he has any doubts about you, that he thinks it's just a phase. Or maybe he's just busy at work and lazy in the relationship.
No matter what the real reason is, one thing is for sure: he's neglecting his duties in this relationship (no one is ever that busy to return a call or give an explanation). And so this is a legitimate concern of yours.
I encourage you to consider what's important to you and to not ignore red flags that alert you early on to potential problems down the road. If he shows neglect now he'll most likely be the same way, or worst, once married. If that's not something you want to put up with, put your foot down now.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Role Model Couple
Maymoena, 21, from Joburg South Africa asks:
I was dating a guy for 2 and a half years. We were the role model couple to so many as we were completely compatible and in love. The only problem was religion and through his help I found the light and changed my religion. But while I was in that process it caused many fights and also he left for Las Vegas to work for 2 months. In that time he was confused and ended up kissing someone else and blamed the fact that he was drunk. Now that he is back he is confused because of his guilt and doesn't know if he is still in love with me or not but he does love me. I broke up with him because he could not promise to not do it again and love cannot be one sided. But now I am having a strong problem with getting over him as I believe it was true love and he through it all back in my face. He now wants me to have patience and give him a chance to sort himself out. Should I give him a chance or the boot?
VictorM's advice:
Absolutely give him a chance! No ifs and buts about it.
And I tell you why: because he feels guilt. We're all capable of doing something stupid; it's how we feel about it and how we correct it that counts more. I don't understand why he won't promise not to do it again, unless he just means he's not infallible. But based on everything else you said about you two, it would be a shame to let this one episode be the ruin of it all.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was dating a guy for 2 and a half years. We were the role model couple to so many as we were completely compatible and in love. The only problem was religion and through his help I found the light and changed my religion. But while I was in that process it caused many fights and also he left for Las Vegas to work for 2 months. In that time he was confused and ended up kissing someone else and blamed the fact that he was drunk. Now that he is back he is confused because of his guilt and doesn't know if he is still in love with me or not but he does love me. I broke up with him because he could not promise to not do it again and love cannot be one sided. But now I am having a strong problem with getting over him as I believe it was true love and he through it all back in my face. He now wants me to have patience and give him a chance to sort himself out. Should I give him a chance or the boot?
VictorM's advice:
Absolutely give him a chance! No ifs and buts about it.
And I tell you why: because he feels guilt. We're all capable of doing something stupid; it's how we feel about it and how we correct it that counts more. I don't understand why he won't promise not to do it again, unless he just means he's not infallible. But based on everything else you said about you two, it would be a shame to let this one episode be the ruin of it all.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
