Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Would he say I love you
Deb, 44, from Los Angeles asks:
Would a guy tell you he loves you if he didn't mean it?
VictorM says:
Deb, I love you.
Does that answer your question?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Would a guy tell you he loves you if he didn't mean it?
VictorM says:
Deb, I love you.
Does that answer your question?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Cheated on him
Maria, 33, from Atlanta asks:
I was with my boyfriend for 12 years and cheated on him with a guy from work I had strong feelings for. Turned out the feeling was very mutual. We had a whirlwind affair, then his girlfriend of 5 years found out. I confessed to my boyfriend and then I moved out of my house but the guy from work still lived wit his ex for financial reasons. We dated for about 3 months and he said many things about loving me and wanting to be with me and us getting a place together. I was not ready to rush into that, which upset him, but I let him know how strong my feelings were, regardless. Then he got distant, said he was confused and then I felt things weren't really over with his ex. I dumped every memento of our time together with a pretty explanatory note about how I still felt but did not know what to do on his car, pretty much saying goodbye. Now I feel horrible for not giving him the chance to speak, though I'd asked him to clarify what was going on and he was silent. I really tried to get it out of him, giving him opportunity to say he'd rather be with her. Anyhow I feel broken hearted still. Was it all for nothing? Should I call him? Or was I right for feeling foolish and just let it go. A lot was sacrificed and I know many of his feelings for me were genuine. Sorry if this is too long...
VictorM's advice:
I don't think he's the one that needs to do the talking; you are the one that has plenty to explain. Mainly, why after a "whirlwind affair", moving out of your house, dating for 3 months, you then felt you weren't ready for him? Then you dumped mementos and rushed into a quick goodbye. This is no way to show feelings for anyone. Frankly, I'm confused by your decisions and if I were in his shoes I'd have serious doubts about a future with you. I'm sure that's how he feels.
You should call him only if you have a good explanation for your behavior and a good idea of what you want next between you two and why. If these things aren't clear to you, don't call him.
I was with my boyfriend for 12 years and cheated on him with a guy from work I had strong feelings for. Turned out the feeling was very mutual. We had a whirlwind affair, then his girlfriend of 5 years found out. I confessed to my boyfriend and then I moved out of my house but the guy from work still lived wit his ex for financial reasons. We dated for about 3 months and he said many things about loving me and wanting to be with me and us getting a place together. I was not ready to rush into that, which upset him, but I let him know how strong my feelings were, regardless. Then he got distant, said he was confused and then I felt things weren't really over with his ex. I dumped every memento of our time together with a pretty explanatory note about how I still felt but did not know what to do on his car, pretty much saying goodbye. Now I feel horrible for not giving him the chance to speak, though I'd asked him to clarify what was going on and he was silent. I really tried to get it out of him, giving him opportunity to say he'd rather be with her. Anyhow I feel broken hearted still. Was it all for nothing? Should I call him? Or was I right for feeling foolish and just let it go. A lot was sacrificed and I know many of his feelings for me were genuine. Sorry if this is too long...
VictorM's advice:
I don't think he's the one that needs to do the talking; you are the one that has plenty to explain. Mainly, why after a "whirlwind affair", moving out of your house, dating for 3 months, you then felt you weren't ready for him? Then you dumped mementos and rushed into a quick goodbye. This is no way to show feelings for anyone. Frankly, I'm confused by your decisions and if I were in his shoes I'd have serious doubts about a future with you. I'm sure that's how he feels.
You should call him only if you have a good explanation for your behavior and a good idea of what you want next between you two and why. If these things aren't clear to you, don't call him.
He falls short
Kelly, 25, from Cincinnati asks:
My boyfriend says he loves and wants to one day get married but when it actually comes to doing things that people in a serious relationship should do, he falls short. Is he afraid of commitment and is there anything I can do?
VictorM's advice:
I assume you accidentally left the word "me" out of the first sentence, otherwise we could have a clue.
You don't specify what kinds of things "people should do", so it's hard for me to say. But I think the operative words are that he wants to get married "one day". Clearly that means not now and not very soon.
Maybe, just maybe, you're a bit impatient and he's not falling short, he's just walking slowly?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend says he loves and wants to one day get married but when it actually comes to doing things that people in a serious relationship should do, he falls short. Is he afraid of commitment and is there anything I can do?
VictorM's advice:
I assume you accidentally left the word "me" out of the first sentence, otherwise we could have a clue.
You don't specify what kinds of things "people should do", so it's hard for me to say. But I think the operative words are that he wants to get married "one day". Clearly that means not now and not very soon.
Maybe, just maybe, you're a bit impatient and he's not falling short, he's just walking slowly?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Marriage material
jackie, 21, from southern us asks:
How do you know a guy really genuinely cares about you for marriage material?
VictorM's answer:
When he asks you to marry him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How do you know a guy really genuinely cares about you for marriage material?
VictorM's answer:
When he asks you to marry him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Staring at the bedroom window
Emmy Jones, 27, from Florida asks:
A guy who lives a few doors away keeps driving past my house in the morning and staring up to my bedroom window. He has no reason to as the main road is in the other direction. We have spoken a few times and he has asked me lots of questions about myself. Whenever I see him about he just seems to keep looking at me. Have you any idea why and what he thinks of me?
VictorM's answer:
My guess is that he finds you attractive but he also sounds eerily weird. His behavior seems more stalking-like than healthy admiration.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
A guy who lives a few doors away keeps driving past my house in the morning and staring up to my bedroom window. He has no reason to as the main road is in the other direction. We have spoken a few times and he has asked me lots of questions about myself. Whenever I see him about he just seems to keep looking at me. Have you any idea why and what he thinks of me?
VictorM's answer:
My guess is that he finds you attractive but he also sounds eerily weird. His behavior seems more stalking-like than healthy admiration.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Make out and other stuff
Michelle, 20, from Vancouver Wa asks:
I hang out with a group of friends and last weekend one of my friend and I started having a really good conversation. Well that turned into a make out, than other stuff. Anyways we are the only one who know and we didn't really get to talk to each other about was it just that nothing more ever or does he want more. Now he won't talk to me when I call (I have only called once since and he called my other friend instead of me). So what I'm asking am I reading way to much into this thing and can I remain friends or did I just go a fuck things up. Oh yeah he was a virgin till that night. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
I think you're reading too much into it. He's probably just not sure how to address the issue with you, so he's avoiding you for now until he figures things out. It will be very weird for him when he sees you again. It's natural that he's thinking that night meant you think you two are now a couple and you expect a relationship to follow. But no matter what, don't be surprised if he acts a bit weird for a while.
For future reference, if all you want from a guy is friendship, having sex with him is not a good idea. And if what you want is a relationship, starting with sex is not a good idea either. You should decide for yourself exactly what you expect from him now, and act accordingly.
Oh, and the sooner you make it clear to him you don't expect him to marry you now, the better.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I hang out with a group of friends and last weekend one of my friend and I started having a really good conversation. Well that turned into a make out, than other stuff. Anyways we are the only one who know and we didn't really get to talk to each other about was it just that nothing more ever or does he want more. Now he won't talk to me when I call (I have only called once since and he called my other friend instead of me). So what I'm asking am I reading way to much into this thing and can I remain friends or did I just go a fuck things up. Oh yeah he was a virgin till that night. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
I think you're reading too much into it. He's probably just not sure how to address the issue with you, so he's avoiding you for now until he figures things out. It will be very weird for him when he sees you again. It's natural that he's thinking that night meant you think you two are now a couple and you expect a relationship to follow. But no matter what, don't be surprised if he acts a bit weird for a while.
For future reference, if all you want from a guy is friendship, having sex with him is not a good idea. And if what you want is a relationship, starting with sex is not a good idea either. You should decide for yourself exactly what you expect from him now, and act accordingly.
Oh, and the sooner you make it clear to him you don't expect him to marry you now, the better.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Will he ask me out?
Lisa, 23, from ny asks:
Will a guy ask me out if he's friends with my ex-boyfriend?
VictorM's advice:
Heck yes, he will! Then, one of two things will happen: they will either cease to be friends (if your ex still isn't over you) or, become best of friends (if your ex has moved on) and compare notes about you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Will a guy ask me out if he's friends with my ex-boyfriend?
VictorM's advice:
Heck yes, he will! Then, one of two things will happen: they will either cease to be friends (if your ex still isn't over you) or, become best of friends (if your ex has moved on) and compare notes about you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why does my boyfriend need to look at porn?
Maggie, 22, from ontario asks:
Why does my boyfriend need to look at porn? I noticed the advice you gave to another girl about the male attachment to porn being comparable to the female attachment to shoes and whatnot. This comparison is ill conceived. We're talking about liking the shoes on your feet to where you a guy would like to stick his dick. Why should my boyfriend be seeking to look at other women's body parts? I feel that if I had porn laying around displaying the type of male body and penis I might prefer would make my boyfriend feel as stupid, unattractive, inadequate and SICK and his porn collection makes me feel. He says that if it didn't make me angry, he would have porn hanging all over the house. I had to demand that the tittie poster be taken down from the ceiling over his bed! Does he need to look at a girl with giant boobs while I have sex with him? I am bisexual and could be seeking out male AND female porn but I DON'T. If I need sexual stimulation I think of my boyfriend, because he is the one I have sex with. This is getting to the point that it's making me feel like an idiot when we sleep together, wondering if he's imagining some slut he saw in a magazine. Why am I not good enough? Our sex life has been good and adventurous as far as I'm concerned... it's certainly been better for him than it has for me, so why the porn?
VictorM's advice:
My analogy with shoe-buying only referred to the level of emotional attachment. In no way was it meant to condone the behavior.
By your description, your boyfriend's interest in porn strikes me as way over the top and very problematic. Any kind of addiction comes with its problems, and porn is no exception. This guy's open attachment to porn is hugely unhealthy.
Stop thinking of this as purely a sex issue and who he's thinking about when having sex with you. His behavior signals serious moral corruption and a deprivation of values that really should be the focus of your concern. I'm not talking about judging your sexual preferences or sexual attitudes; I'm talking about core values that define a person and how he/she relates to others. Your boyfriend is sorely lacking them (that's why he's so much into porn) and you need to recognize it for the major problem that it is relationship wise rather than just sexually.
Your concern sounds hallow to me. Your issues with his behavior seem selfish and relate only to what it does to you and how you feel about it. Nowhere did you mention any concern for any damage that porn may be causing to him, either morally or emotionally.
Examine your own sense of values first. Maybe you're still with him because your own standards are low too.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why does my boyfriend need to look at porn? I noticed the advice you gave to another girl about the male attachment to porn being comparable to the female attachment to shoes and whatnot. This comparison is ill conceived. We're talking about liking the shoes on your feet to where you a guy would like to stick his dick. Why should my boyfriend be seeking to look at other women's body parts? I feel that if I had porn laying around displaying the type of male body and penis I might prefer would make my boyfriend feel as stupid, unattractive, inadequate and SICK and his porn collection makes me feel. He says that if it didn't make me angry, he would have porn hanging all over the house. I had to demand that the tittie poster be taken down from the ceiling over his bed! Does he need to look at a girl with giant boobs while I have sex with him? I am bisexual and could be seeking out male AND female porn but I DON'T. If I need sexual stimulation I think of my boyfriend, because he is the one I have sex with. This is getting to the point that it's making me feel like an idiot when we sleep together, wondering if he's imagining some slut he saw in a magazine. Why am I not good enough? Our sex life has been good and adventurous as far as I'm concerned... it's certainly been better for him than it has for me, so why the porn?
VictorM's advice:
My analogy with shoe-buying only referred to the level of emotional attachment. In no way was it meant to condone the behavior.
By your description, your boyfriend's interest in porn strikes me as way over the top and very problematic. Any kind of addiction comes with its problems, and porn is no exception. This guy's open attachment to porn is hugely unhealthy.
Stop thinking of this as purely a sex issue and who he's thinking about when having sex with you. His behavior signals serious moral corruption and a deprivation of values that really should be the focus of your concern. I'm not talking about judging your sexual preferences or sexual attitudes; I'm talking about core values that define a person and how he/she relates to others. Your boyfriend is sorely lacking them (that's why he's so much into porn) and you need to recognize it for the major problem that it is relationship wise rather than just sexually.
Your concern sounds hallow to me. Your issues with his behavior seem selfish and relate only to what it does to you and how you feel about it. Nowhere did you mention any concern for any damage that porn may be causing to him, either morally or emotionally.
Examine your own sense of values first. Maybe you're still with him because your own standards are low too.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, May 29, 2006
We started hard core flirting
Ashley, 17, from Minnesota asks:
Hi this guy named Greg and I used to go to school together back in 10th grade. After that year he moved and I never heard from him again. I am now a senior and very close to graduating. I just made a myspace a couple of months ago and he somehow found my profile and we started talking again. This time it wasn't like friend talking, we started hard core flirting with each other, and then we started texting and everything. He eventually brought up the subject of long distance relationships (he lives about an hour away) and asked my opinion on them. Of course we both declared that we indeed like one another and would like to date each other someday. About a week later my Dad died. He was extremely supportive of me, and every time I cried at night he refused to go to sleep until he knew I was. We eventually got together last Friday. He slept over at my house. We went out to dinner and a movie and he was a complete gentleman. Later that night we ended up having sex in my basement. He said it was the best he had ever had, and the way he said it I knew he wasn't joking. We fell asleep in each others arms and he held me the entire night. The next day when he had to go home, he really didn't want to cuz he said he had such a wonderful time, and I believed him. It's now been almost a week, and he hasn't been texting me nearly as much as he did before he slept over. Does he still like me? Was he a hit and run guy? He still says he wants to spend the summer with me and all, but he just hasn't been talking to me as much as he did before. Does he still like me?
VictorM's advice:
Sorry to hear about your father.
He might still like you but the mystery has been solved, the castle has been conquered, and now it's time to sit back and relax (meaning, he'll get lazy). Basically, you've found the prototype of your typical male: aggressive and hard working while the prize is out there; lazy and laid back once the prize has been conquered. And in your case, in one date, really, he got the whole kitt'n kaboodle.
You want better results? Make him work for your affection. If you don't, he won't. And if he was just a hit and run kind of guy, learn from it so that next time you give a little less of yourself initially until you know he's not after just one thing.
But don't give up on this guy. He started out with good qualities and they may still be there. He's just acting like a typical guy now.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi this guy named Greg and I used to go to school together back in 10th grade. After that year he moved and I never heard from him again. I am now a senior and very close to graduating. I just made a myspace a couple of months ago and he somehow found my profile and we started talking again. This time it wasn't like friend talking, we started hard core flirting with each other, and then we started texting and everything. He eventually brought up the subject of long distance relationships (he lives about an hour away) and asked my opinion on them. Of course we both declared that we indeed like one another and would like to date each other someday. About a week later my Dad died. He was extremely supportive of me, and every time I cried at night he refused to go to sleep until he knew I was. We eventually got together last Friday. He slept over at my house. We went out to dinner and a movie and he was a complete gentleman. Later that night we ended up having sex in my basement. He said it was the best he had ever had, and the way he said it I knew he wasn't joking. We fell asleep in each others arms and he held me the entire night. The next day when he had to go home, he really didn't want to cuz he said he had such a wonderful time, and I believed him. It's now been almost a week, and he hasn't been texting me nearly as much as he did before he slept over. Does he still like me? Was he a hit and run guy? He still says he wants to spend the summer with me and all, but he just hasn't been talking to me as much as he did before. Does he still like me?
VictorM's advice:
Sorry to hear about your father.
He might still like you but the mystery has been solved, the castle has been conquered, and now it's time to sit back and relax (meaning, he'll get lazy). Basically, you've found the prototype of your typical male: aggressive and hard working while the prize is out there; lazy and laid back once the prize has been conquered. And in your case, in one date, really, he got the whole kitt'n kaboodle.
You want better results? Make him work for your affection. If you don't, he won't. And if he was just a hit and run kind of guy, learn from it so that next time you give a little less of yourself initially until you know he's not after just one thing.
But don't give up on this guy. He started out with good qualities and they may still be there. He's just acting like a typical guy now.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, May 28, 2006
I was introduced to a man
Charlotte, 45, from: Texas US asks:
I was introduced to a man by mutual friends as a potential. We were both attracted to one another immediately, and we also found that we have an emotional, intellectual and spiritual connection unlike any other (his words). Problem is, he is still not over his ex-wife, he works in Europe 6 months out of the year, he is afraid of commitment at this point. He did not tell me these things, I just know him so well. The problem is that I love him. He tells me that he loves me too, although we have never even kissed there is a chemistry there and he admits he wanted me that way in the beginning. He is seeing another woman in England and he tells me it is a temporary love affair, that he is not up for long term commitment. He says that he and I are forever. I don't understand how a man could feel this close to you and you meet his needs in all ways and he won't take the chance with you. It is as if he is compartmentalizing his feelings... he gets romance and sex from the woman in England and everything else from me. Have you ever heard of such a thing?
VictorM's advice:
Why should he worry or change his behavior if both you and the other woman are willing to go along? He's got it made. By the way, it's possible he's telling the woman in England the same things he's telling you, which is that basically, you're unique... like everyone else.
At this age, and still dealing with the feelings for his ex-wife -- which may go on for years -- his definition of "forever" doesn't carry the same intensity it did in his 20's. He now knows that "forever" is fleeting and can go up in smoke in no time. That's the lesson from his divorce. If you think he's ever going to give you a do-or-die commitment you're only fooling yourself.
Stop being so darn understanding about the other woman. Frankly, I don't think he'd stand it if you had another man, and rightly so. Why are you putting up with it? When you ask me "Have you ever heard of such a thing?" you should be asking it about your own behavior. It wouldn't surprise me if he's losing some respect for you for being so willing to accept this situation.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was introduced to a man by mutual friends as a potential. We were both attracted to one another immediately, and we also found that we have an emotional, intellectual and spiritual connection unlike any other (his words). Problem is, he is still not over his ex-wife, he works in Europe 6 months out of the year, he is afraid of commitment at this point. He did not tell me these things, I just know him so well. The problem is that I love him. He tells me that he loves me too, although we have never even kissed there is a chemistry there and he admits he wanted me that way in the beginning. He is seeing another woman in England and he tells me it is a temporary love affair, that he is not up for long term commitment. He says that he and I are forever. I don't understand how a man could feel this close to you and you meet his needs in all ways and he won't take the chance with you. It is as if he is compartmentalizing his feelings... he gets romance and sex from the woman in England and everything else from me. Have you ever heard of such a thing?
VictorM's advice:
Why should he worry or change his behavior if both you and the other woman are willing to go along? He's got it made. By the way, it's possible he's telling the woman in England the same things he's telling you, which is that basically, you're unique... like everyone else.
At this age, and still dealing with the feelings for his ex-wife -- which may go on for years -- his definition of "forever" doesn't carry the same intensity it did in his 20's. He now knows that "forever" is fleeting and can go up in smoke in no time. That's the lesson from his divorce. If you think he's ever going to give you a do-or-die commitment you're only fooling yourself.
Stop being so darn understanding about the other woman. Frankly, I don't think he'd stand it if you had another man, and rightly so. Why are you putting up with it? When you ask me "Have you ever heard of such a thing?" you should be asking it about your own behavior. It wouldn't surprise me if he's losing some respect for you for being so willing to accept this situation.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He has a crush on me
angel, 15, from: ca,91911 asks:
This boy named julian has a crush on me. But he won't talk to me. Why is that?
VictorM's answer:
Most likely because he's shy. If you like him, talk to him. Don't tell him you like him, but make conversation. Once he gets to know you better, maybe he'll open up to you. If you're shy too, try to at least smile at him and say: "Hi Julian" when you see him (make sure to use his name, not just say "Hi").
PS: Angel, neither I nor anyone else on the internet needs to know your exact address. Please don't give it out. It's safer this way.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
This boy named julian has a crush on me. But he won't talk to me. Why is that?
VictorM's answer:
Most likely because he's shy. If you like him, talk to him. Don't tell him you like him, but make conversation. Once he gets to know you better, maybe he'll open up to you. If you're shy too, try to at least smile at him and say: "Hi Julian" when you see him (make sure to use his name, not just say "Hi").
PS: Angel, neither I nor anyone else on the internet needs to know your exact address. Please don't give it out. It's safer this way.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
In a relationship with a married guy
lee-anne, 21, from johannesburge asks:
I'm a 21 year old I'm in a relationship with a married guy and I really love him. The only problem is that he is married and he feels the same way about me. Please help me. Where do I go from here?
VictorM's answer:
Both of you have to come the same decision: either he leaves his wife or it's over between you two. A prolonged relationship under these conditions means neither one of you has the self-respect to do the right thing.
Just because he says he loves you doesn't mean he loves you. Maybe, just maybe, he likes you for the sex and for the adventure it provides. Then he goes home to his wife, happy with this arrangement for years.
Just because he's having an affair with you now doesn't mean he'll cheat on you if you two ever get married, but this on-going relationship with you surely casts doubt on his commitment to marriage and the sanctity it represents.
Where you go from easier is easier said than done: you should stop seeing him until he leaves her and seeks a divorce. If you continue to see him, any disappointments you'll face down the road -- and you will face plenty -- will be a direct consequence of your own actions and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm a 21 year old I'm in a relationship with a married guy and I really love him. The only problem is that he is married and he feels the same way about me. Please help me. Where do I go from here?
VictorM's answer:
Both of you have to come the same decision: either he leaves his wife or it's over between you two. A prolonged relationship under these conditions means neither one of you has the self-respect to do the right thing.
Just because he says he loves you doesn't mean he loves you. Maybe, just maybe, he likes you for the sex and for the adventure it provides. Then he goes home to his wife, happy with this arrangement for years.
Just because he's having an affair with you now doesn't mean he'll cheat on you if you two ever get married, but this on-going relationship with you surely casts doubt on his commitment to marriage and the sanctity it represents.
Where you go from easier is easier said than done: you should stop seeing him until he leaves her and seeks a divorce. If you continue to see him, any disappointments you'll face down the road -- and you will face plenty -- will be a direct consequence of your own actions and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Split up
kate, 25, from midlands asks:
After three years my boyfriend and I have split up. After a week he said he missed me and could I go see him, so I did. By the time it came for me to leave he said he wasn't sure again! I found out he had been seeing someone else but I was told by his mates that it wasn't serious and that it's me he's always talking about. I haven't spoken to him in three days and I really want him back. I know he loves me so why won't he see and just try again? What can I do to make myself more appealing to him?
VictorM's advice:
He missed you like a smoker who quits cigarettes misses smoking; not because he wants to but because of the addiction. People get so used to the scent and the feel of another person so much so that when they break-up, even if they were miserable, they will feel withdrawals (perceived as "missing" someone). When he got to spend a little time with you again, he realized what cigarette smokers do: it's still bad.
He may talk to his mates about you because you were a huge part of his life. That doesn't mean he wants you in it.
I don't know what turns him off about you, so I have no idea what would make you more appealing to him. If he loves you, as you say, there must things about you he doesn't like at all. But after three years together you don't know what they are, well, that explains why he broke up with you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
After three years my boyfriend and I have split up. After a week he said he missed me and could I go see him, so I did. By the time it came for me to leave he said he wasn't sure again! I found out he had been seeing someone else but I was told by his mates that it wasn't serious and that it's me he's always talking about. I haven't spoken to him in three days and I really want him back. I know he loves me so why won't he see and just try again? What can I do to make myself more appealing to him?
VictorM's advice:
He missed you like a smoker who quits cigarettes misses smoking; not because he wants to but because of the addiction. People get so used to the scent and the feel of another person so much so that when they break-up, even if they were miserable, they will feel withdrawals (perceived as "missing" someone). When he got to spend a little time with you again, he realized what cigarette smokers do: it's still bad.
He may talk to his mates about you because you were a huge part of his life. That doesn't mean he wants you in it.
I don't know what turns him off about you, so I have no idea what would make you more appealing to him. If he loves you, as you say, there must things about you he doesn't like at all. But after three years together you don't know what they are, well, that explains why he broke up with you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Follow-up from Anonymous
Confidential to Anonymous from NA:
You have to face something you're trying desperately to avoid: your boyfriend is over you! He's giving you all the signs and saying all the things to let you know it without having to spell it out for you.
There are hints in your submission that lead me to believe that his motives go beyond moving away to college. Your self-admitted tendency to get mad easily and to be sensitive sound to me like he's had enough of your behavior.
He's going to date in college. He is going to continually reduce his contact with you. He will have a new girlfriend soon. Failure to accept these realities is only going to bring you more pain. Face it: the boy you love is now your ex-boyfriend.
Changing your appearance and the topics you like to talk about won't work because you should attract someone who likes you the way you are instead of you having to adapt too much to someone new. Guys aren't motivated by receiving gifts -- that's a female thing -- so don't waste your time and money. The number one thing you must do is work on your anger management. If you don't, your next boyfriend will become your next ex-boyfriend as well. Someone who gets angry easily and often will drive away boyfriends. If you can afford it, see a therapist for this. There are no quick fixes for bad temper. I suspect looking into your family life will be required to help you, but handling getting mad easily can be helped. Get help.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
You have to face something you're trying desperately to avoid: your boyfriend is over you! He's giving you all the signs and saying all the things to let you know it without having to spell it out for you.
There are hints in your submission that lead me to believe that his motives go beyond moving away to college. Your self-admitted tendency to get mad easily and to be sensitive sound to me like he's had enough of your behavior.
He's going to date in college. He is going to continually reduce his contact with you. He will have a new girlfriend soon. Failure to accept these realities is only going to bring you more pain. Face it: the boy you love is now your ex-boyfriend.
Changing your appearance and the topics you like to talk about won't work because you should attract someone who likes you the way you are instead of you having to adapt too much to someone new. Guys aren't motivated by receiving gifts -- that's a female thing -- so don't waste your time and money. The number one thing you must do is work on your anger management. If you don't, your next boyfriend will become your next ex-boyfriend as well. Someone who gets angry easily and often will drive away boyfriends. If you can afford it, see a therapist for this. There are no quick fixes for bad temper. I suspect looking into your family life will be required to help you, but handling getting mad easily can be helped. Get help.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, May 26, 2006
Boyfriend works with this girl
jennifer, 32, from bethpage, ny asks:
My boyfriend works with this girl. Last year they both had an attraction for each other but it did not work out and my boyfriend and I stayed together and are planning a future. The problem is my boyfriend and this girl go to lunch all the time and I am not comfortable with it. Mind you they used to sneak out to lunch last year and he went to her apartment a few times. Now, they both say they are only friends and I should get over the fact they are friends now and go to lunch. What is your opinion on this and any advice? I have told this girl I do not want her having lunch with him and she did say she would not. Now she tells me to get over it, they are friends. Am I wrong for not liking it? Thanks. Jen
VictorM's advice:
You have every right not to like it, but at the same time, if they work together why can't they have lunch? It seems to me that if they're going to be naughty, it likely won't be over a restaurant table. But still, lunch or no lunch, there is enough here to be of concern, above all his response to all this.
Your beef shouldn't be with the girl. After all, she's not the one you're planning a future with, is she? She owes you nothing (except that if she had any sense of decency she would refrain from spending too much time with him now.)
Your boyfriend is way out of line for not respecting your wishes in this regard. In my view, he's the "bad guy" here. He should be putting some distance between them even if you weren't bothered by their "friendship". But since you have expressed your concern (I'm assuming you made it clear to him, not just her) and he's not done much to alter the situation, I find that very disturbing.
I suggest you talk to him in terms of your feelings. Don't insult her, don't accuse him of anything, but make it clear you don't like it. Always talk in first person: "I don't like that...", "I feel insecure about..." No matter how often he says there's nothing between them, keep repeating those lines. At some point, he has to address your feelings. Will he care or will he ignore them? His response will let you know what kind of husband he will be.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend works with this girl. Last year they both had an attraction for each other but it did not work out and my boyfriend and I stayed together and are planning a future. The problem is my boyfriend and this girl go to lunch all the time and I am not comfortable with it. Mind you they used to sneak out to lunch last year and he went to her apartment a few times. Now, they both say they are only friends and I should get over the fact they are friends now and go to lunch. What is your opinion on this and any advice? I have told this girl I do not want her having lunch with him and she did say she would not. Now she tells me to get over it, they are friends. Am I wrong for not liking it? Thanks. Jen
VictorM's advice:
You have every right not to like it, but at the same time, if they work together why can't they have lunch? It seems to me that if they're going to be naughty, it likely won't be over a restaurant table. But still, lunch or no lunch, there is enough here to be of concern, above all his response to all this.
Your beef shouldn't be with the girl. After all, she's not the one you're planning a future with, is she? She owes you nothing (except that if she had any sense of decency she would refrain from spending too much time with him now.)
Your boyfriend is way out of line for not respecting your wishes in this regard. In my view, he's the "bad guy" here. He should be putting some distance between them even if you weren't bothered by their "friendship". But since you have expressed your concern (I'm assuming you made it clear to him, not just her) and he's not done much to alter the situation, I find that very disturbing.
I suggest you talk to him in terms of your feelings. Don't insult her, don't accuse him of anything, but make it clear you don't like it. Always talk in first person: "I don't like that...", "I feel insecure about..." No matter how often he says there's nothing between them, keep repeating those lines. At some point, he has to address your feelings. Will he care or will he ignore them? His response will let you know what kind of husband he will be.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I wanted to forget about him
Michelle, 30, from Seattle, WA asks:
A few years ago I began seeing this guy in the military, for what was supposed to be no-strings sex. It got to be a regular thing and we were meeting at least once per week. A couple months into it, I realized I was in love with him and told him so. I tried to end it because I knew he didn't want me as a girlfriend. At first, he told me he was seeing others, then he told me he already had a girlfriend back in his hometown. Then he told me he was in love with me but it would never work out between us. But it didn't matter to me, I thought I could change his mind. So we continued to sleep together. This went on for nearly two years until he was sent to Kuwait. I wanted to forget about him. But months later he called me from Kuwait. He was coming back and wanted to see me. And when he returned, we began again. Finally, he was discharged from the military and moved back home. I haven't heard from him since. The problem is: I still have feelings for him. But at the same time I'm really disappointed in myself for letting this happen. I was the other woman, he said. But now he's back with his girlfriend & they're making plans to marry. She doesn't know about me, but I know who she is and I've even found her profile on MySpace. Do I tell her what went on behind her back? I would want to know if I were in her shoes, but at the same time, I think I'd really be doing this to get even. He really broke my heart. Why do people do this to each other? And what do I do to get past this?
VictorM's advice:
First of all, this guy was straight with you all the time. He liked you for sex and made it clear that's what he was after. Whatever goes on between him and his girlfriend his none of your concern -- stay out of it! You got your heart broken but doing something rotten, like telling his girlfriend, isn't going to ease that pain. Move on with dignity.
There will be no quick fixes to get over him. Accept that suffering is part of loving and find new things to distract you. Feelings for someone do not go away easily -- in some cases, never -- but they do get easier to deal withh. Don't rush into another guy. Instead, finds hobbies, new friends, move away if you can. But above all, give yourself time. Time is a healer. It's a cliche but it's true.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
A few years ago I began seeing this guy in the military, for what was supposed to be no-strings sex. It got to be a regular thing and we were meeting at least once per week. A couple months into it, I realized I was in love with him and told him so. I tried to end it because I knew he didn't want me as a girlfriend. At first, he told me he was seeing others, then he told me he already had a girlfriend back in his hometown. Then he told me he was in love with me but it would never work out between us. But it didn't matter to me, I thought I could change his mind. So we continued to sleep together. This went on for nearly two years until he was sent to Kuwait. I wanted to forget about him. But months later he called me from Kuwait. He was coming back and wanted to see me. And when he returned, we began again. Finally, he was discharged from the military and moved back home. I haven't heard from him since. The problem is: I still have feelings for him. But at the same time I'm really disappointed in myself for letting this happen. I was the other woman, he said. But now he's back with his girlfriend & they're making plans to marry. She doesn't know about me, but I know who she is and I've even found her profile on MySpace. Do I tell her what went on behind her back? I would want to know if I were in her shoes, but at the same time, I think I'd really be doing this to get even. He really broke my heart. Why do people do this to each other? And what do I do to get past this?
VictorM's advice:
First of all, this guy was straight with you all the time. He liked you for sex and made it clear that's what he was after. Whatever goes on between him and his girlfriend his none of your concern -- stay out of it! You got your heart broken but doing something rotten, like telling his girlfriend, isn't going to ease that pain. Move on with dignity.
There will be no quick fixes to get over him. Accept that suffering is part of loving and find new things to distract you. Feelings for someone do not go away easily -- in some cases, never -- but they do get easier to deal withh. Don't rush into another guy. Instead, finds hobbies, new friends, move away if you can. But above all, give yourself time. Time is a healer. It's a cliche but it's true.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Alicia follow-up
Confidential to Alicia:
I'm not going to post your long submission but hear me out: No, he's not giving you a second chance. This guy will hurt you, insult you, use you, abuse you, mistreat you, call you names, and make sure you know he'll do it at will. Why? Because he's an insecure jerk and you're a weak woman who unfortunately doesn't have enough confidence. But... you love him *sigh*... what can I say?
Sadly, I'll expect a submission from you within a few days telling me I'm right.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm not going to post your long submission but hear me out: No, he's not giving you a second chance. This guy will hurt you, insult you, use you, abuse you, mistreat you, call you names, and make sure you know he'll do it at will. Why? Because he's an insecure jerk and you're a weak woman who unfortunately doesn't have enough confidence. But... you love him *sigh*... what can I say?
Sadly, I'll expect a submission from you within a few days telling me I'm right.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How to tell my guy friend I like him
Paige, 15, from stockton asks:
How can I tell my guy friend that I like more than a friend he likes to play around with me but I'm not sure he likes me.
VictorM's answer:
Stop behaving like just a friend with him. Plan things for you two to do alone, like going shopping or to a movie, and dress like you want his attention (you know, a little more sexy, a little more perfume, things like that.) When you stand by him, move in a little closer than you have up until now. But above all, stop acting like his buddy!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How can I tell my guy friend that I like more than a friend he likes to play around with me but I'm not sure he likes me.
VictorM's answer:
Stop behaving like just a friend with him. Plan things for you two to do alone, like going shopping or to a movie, and dress like you want his attention (you know, a little more sexy, a little more perfume, things like that.) When you stand by him, move in a little closer than you have up until now. But above all, stop acting like his buddy!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He goes soft
Molly, 23, from Manitoba asks:
My boyfriend and I have sex, and it is all good , but he will be hard , then he will get soft ? What can I do about this problem ? Is it something I am doing wrong ? Or him?
VictorM's advice:
This is a much more common problem that most people realize (because guys don't go around bragging about it). Most likely it's nothing either one of you is doing wrong, although there are things you can do to deal with it.
I don't know how long you two have been having sex, but if it's recently, that could be a reason. Many guys have this kind of problem until they are very comfortable with the girl. If this is the case, just give yourselves a little more time. Above all, don't make a big deal about it. He has fingers and a tongue and he can do a lot of things sexually with those until this is worked out.
The most common other cause is stress. Maybe he's nervous, rushed, worried he'll ejaculate too early, worried you might get pregnant, worried he'll disappoint you, etc. Try to make sure the environment is calm and safe, that you have plently of time and there's no need to rush, that there's no change you two will get caught doing the deed. You could also try a few times of just heavy necking agreeing before hand that there will be no sex (in this case he might relax and actually stay hard, which might give him confidence.)
But if none of that works, there is one thing above all Molly that you can do: get him to see a sex counselor. There's no need to let this be a problem when there is so much professional help out there these days. We don't live in the Dark Ages and we know that physical/emotional problems do arise that cause temporary sexual problems. We make nothing of treating other ailments -- sex malfunction should be no different. This need not be a problem between you two.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have sex, and it is all good , but he will be hard , then he will get soft ? What can I do about this problem ? Is it something I am doing wrong ? Or him?
VictorM's advice:
This is a much more common problem that most people realize (because guys don't go around bragging about it). Most likely it's nothing either one of you is doing wrong, although there are things you can do to deal with it.
I don't know how long you two have been having sex, but if it's recently, that could be a reason. Many guys have this kind of problem until they are very comfortable with the girl. If this is the case, just give yourselves a little more time. Above all, don't make a big deal about it. He has fingers and a tongue and he can do a lot of things sexually with those until this is worked out.
The most common other cause is stress. Maybe he's nervous, rushed, worried he'll ejaculate too early, worried you might get pregnant, worried he'll disappoint you, etc. Try to make sure the environment is calm and safe, that you have plently of time and there's no need to rush, that there's no change you two will get caught doing the deed. You could also try a few times of just heavy necking agreeing before hand that there will be no sex (in this case he might relax and actually stay hard, which might give him confidence.)
But if none of that works, there is one thing above all Molly that you can do: get him to see a sex counselor. There's no need to let this be a problem when there is so much professional help out there these days. We don't live in the Dark Ages and we know that physical/emotional problems do arise that cause temporary sexual problems. We make nothing of treating other ailments -- sex malfunction should be no different. This need not be a problem between you two.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Age Gap Too Much
sandra, 16, from england asks:
There is this guy who is 19, my friends all say he likes me, but I think the age gap is too much. We see each other in town sometimes and we chat for ages, he comes over to my house and is really nice. How can you tell if you should say you like him?
VictorM's answer:
I don't think 3 years is much of an age gap at all. Sure, there can be some obstacles, such if he's away in college or university, or if he and his friends like to do things that you can't, such as going out to night spots, either because of local laws or because your parents won't let you. But in terms of maturity and development, a 16 year old girl and 19 year old boy aren't that far apart.
I don't think you should say you like him until he says it to you first. But do send him some vibes that you're interested.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
There is this guy who is 19, my friends all say he likes me, but I think the age gap is too much. We see each other in town sometimes and we chat for ages, he comes over to my house and is really nice. How can you tell if you should say you like him?
VictorM's answer:
I don't think 3 years is much of an age gap at all. Sure, there can be some obstacles, such if he's away in college or university, or if he and his friends like to do things that you can't, such as going out to night spots, either because of local laws or because your parents won't let you. But in terms of maturity and development, a 16 year old girl and 19 year old boy aren't that far apart.
I don't think you should say you like him until he says it to you first. But do send him some vibes that you're interested.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Professional tennis lessons
Jill, 30, from Scotland asks:
I started professional tennis lessons and for the past 3months it seems there is a connection developing. I'm not sure how to read him.. he is very friendly, asks me all the time what my plans are for the weekend but has never asked me out. I catch him looking at me when I'm at practice and I think he has blushed on the odd occasion. I'm scared to read too much into it, but it's just a gut feeling that I have. He greets me "hello gorgeous", or "hey you", or "hi lovely", he touches me playfully and whenever we're having lessons I pick up a "vibe". I'm a single mum so I'm very wary and cautious, perhaps that comes across although I have now started to make an effort with eye contact and feeling quite clueless at flirting. I'm not quite sure how to take this guy. He has mentioned that I meet his friend to help with a work project, but still waiting for that to materialise. I have no idea if he's involved.. I know he's not married, but for all I know he has a girlfriend and I am very aware about being "played"...
VictorM's advice:
I guess I'm suppose to assume you have a question :)
Flirting seems to be the hot topic around here lately. Let me get to the point: flirting means NOTHING! Guys flirt when they're interested and when they're not. It's simply a guy thing.
Hairdressers, tennis pros, physical therapist, etc. these guys deal with many, many women and making them feel good and wanting to come back is part of the job. His lines seem well-rehearsed and he probably has used them hundreds of times. So, in essence, you're unique... like all the other women.
I know, you'd like for your gut to be right, and I'm not saying it's not, but you really have to hold yourself from getting your hopes too high, unless you don't mind being played (doesn't sound like you do). If you like the guy, try to arrange some "away-from-work" situation somehow -- a dinner, a drink, a movie. You'll get a better idea if he's just treating you in a way that's "being good for business" or if his interest goes beyond that.
And make nothing of his blushing. For crying out loud, you Scots blush naturally with every third breath.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I started professional tennis lessons and for the past 3months it seems there is a connection developing. I'm not sure how to read him.. he is very friendly, asks me all the time what my plans are for the weekend but has never asked me out. I catch him looking at me when I'm at practice and I think he has blushed on the odd occasion. I'm scared to read too much into it, but it's just a gut feeling that I have. He greets me "hello gorgeous", or "hey you", or "hi lovely", he touches me playfully and whenever we're having lessons I pick up a "vibe". I'm a single mum so I'm very wary and cautious, perhaps that comes across although I have now started to make an effort with eye contact and feeling quite clueless at flirting. I'm not quite sure how to take this guy. He has mentioned that I meet his friend to help with a work project, but still waiting for that to materialise. I have no idea if he's involved.. I know he's not married, but for all I know he has a girlfriend and I am very aware about being "played"...
VictorM's advice:
I guess I'm suppose to assume you have a question :)
Flirting seems to be the hot topic around here lately. Let me get to the point: flirting means NOTHING! Guys flirt when they're interested and when they're not. It's simply a guy thing.
Hairdressers, tennis pros, physical therapist, etc. these guys deal with many, many women and making them feel good and wanting to come back is part of the job. His lines seem well-rehearsed and he probably has used them hundreds of times. So, in essence, you're unique... like all the other women.
I know, you'd like for your gut to be right, and I'm not saying it's not, but you really have to hold yourself from getting your hopes too high, unless you don't mind being played (doesn't sound like you do). If you like the guy, try to arrange some "away-from-work" situation somehow -- a dinner, a drink, a movie. You'll get a better idea if he's just treating you in a way that's "being good for business" or if his interest goes beyond that.
And make nothing of his blushing. For crying out loud, you Scots blush naturally with every third breath.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I don't trust him
ipfani, 21, from south africa asks:
I've been with my boyfriend for over 10 years and our love grows stronger each day. I just have a problem of not being able to trust him because we have both cheated on each other in the past. How do get over this trust issue?
VictorM's answer:
It is my belief that trust is more important to a healthy relationship than love. The two are closely intertwined. I don't understand how you can claim that your love is growing (whatever that means) and at the same time say you don't trust him. It sounds like you're getting more addicted to him even as you have miserable times.
Your trust has been violated by him and by your own flawed personal behavior. In part, your mistrust of him is a reflection of your own insecurity about fidelity. Your chances to get over lack of trust will not improve until your lust for others declines. That is, you will not see clearly until you remove the particle of dust from your own eyes.
But trust, once broken, is virtually impossible to regain. If there's a way, I don't know how.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been with my boyfriend for over 10 years and our love grows stronger each day. I just have a problem of not being able to trust him because we have both cheated on each other in the past. How do get over this trust issue?
VictorM's answer:
It is my belief that trust is more important to a healthy relationship than love. The two are closely intertwined. I don't understand how you can claim that your love is growing (whatever that means) and at the same time say you don't trust him. It sounds like you're getting more addicted to him even as you have miserable times.
Your trust has been violated by him and by your own flawed personal behavior. In part, your mistrust of him is a reflection of your own insecurity about fidelity. Your chances to get over lack of trust will not improve until your lust for others declines. That is, you will not see clearly until you remove the particle of dust from your own eyes.
But trust, once broken, is virtually impossible to regain. If there's a way, I don't know how.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Kathryn needs help
Kathryn, 15, from Australia NSW asks:
Hi there :), I'm Kathryn and am 15 years old, and in need of some help lol. There's 3 things that I need to ask you about:
1) My friend Simon and me are really close, and I used to have a crush on him and I told him on msn like 5 months after I stopped liking him, and he just said ok. But I only told him because he kept asking me who I used to like and stuff. I used to like him because of his great personality and how nice he was to me, and plus I thought he liked me as well. But I'm not sure if he does like me. There's still part of me that knows that if I never get a boyfriend I know that he's always there, but I'd rather be his best friend more than anything. Can you tell if he likes me, or is he just at the stage where he gets weird around girls like me? He's 6 months younger than me, 14 and a half.
2) There's a guy at my school named Serge and he is a really awesome sweet guy, who I am in love with! I can't stop thinking about him... anyways, last year I had some problem with my ankles and I had to sit out of PE for 3 weeks, and Serge had nothing wrong with him but he sat with me during PE. So I did talk with him but there were awkward silences and stuff. Since then a couple of times he's looked at me and tried to get my attention, but I completely ignore it and pretend he didn't do anything, pretend he wasn't looking at me because if I looked at him back I was scared that he would smile at me! I couldn't believe that I am like that, I wish I could just walk past him and say hi, I wish we were friends right now, and we could have been if it wasn't for all the ignoring of him :(. I feel so stupid, I wish it could start over. Right now, I want to talk to him and have another one of our conversations like we did during pe, but I'm too damn scared and he seems different because I haven't been "noticing him"(which i have but don't want him to see) as much lately. Please tell me what you think, and does he like me? Is he nervous? Please tell me your thoughts of this really complicated story.
3) There's another guy at my school who likes me, but he can get annoying when looking at me, he's in my class with his friend who tries to make me pay attention to Brad (the guy who likes me) by calling his name loudly and punching each other (Brad's friend is named Kurt.) I know Brad likes me because he's ALWAYS looking at me, I catch him doing it and it really gets on my nerves because I don't like him, maybe as a friend maybe but not anything else. If he asks me out I'm scared of what to say I'd just freeze. You see I've never had a boyfriend, I've never had any guy ask me out before, I've never asked anyone out before, I am so scared of what to do. I try to ignore this Brad and Kurt but wherever I go Brad's way away behind me staring at me. Like in class he always sits behind me, never in front. Tell me what you think please :) Sorry this all took awhile, but I thought I'd better write exactly what's on my mind, and if I've forgotten anything I'll let you know, I am at the stage where I say to myself that I need to do the things that I want before its all over and gone, but nothing seems to work, I always just become shy and do nothing!!! Thank you so much, please answer me soonxox kathryn
VictorM's answers:
Boy, this has to be the longest submission (and I edited it down some), but also a very cute one. I was chronically shy at your age, so I can relate.
1) Of course he likes you but he's 14 -- he's basically a freak of nature at this point.
2) If you can't bring yourself up to smile at a guy you don't deserve him. Come on Kathryn, you have to make SOME effort. A smile isn't a lot. Make an effort. I don't know if he's nervous but it's only natural that he doesn't approach you since you're sending him "stay away" signals.
3) Not ever having a boyfriend at 15 is nothing unusual, so don't sweat it. If Brad asks you out just say: "Oh Brad, that is so cute of you to ask but really, I'd rather eat pig vomit than go out with you". OK, just kidding, don't say that. Just say: "No, but thanks for asking".
Your shyness is a problem. You aren't going to change overnight, but as I said in bullet 1 above, you are going to have to make some effort. Start with smiling. Force yourself to smile at the boys. The more courageous ones will start talking to you and things will get easier after that.
Hi there :), I'm Kathryn and am 15 years old, and in need of some help lol. There's 3 things that I need to ask you about:
1) My friend Simon and me are really close, and I used to have a crush on him and I told him on msn like 5 months after I stopped liking him, and he just said ok. But I only told him because he kept asking me who I used to like and stuff. I used to like him because of his great personality and how nice he was to me, and plus I thought he liked me as well. But I'm not sure if he does like me. There's still part of me that knows that if I never get a boyfriend I know that he's always there, but I'd rather be his best friend more than anything. Can you tell if he likes me, or is he just at the stage where he gets weird around girls like me? He's 6 months younger than me, 14 and a half.
2) There's a guy at my school named Serge and he is a really awesome sweet guy, who I am in love with! I can't stop thinking about him... anyways, last year I had some problem with my ankles and I had to sit out of PE for 3 weeks, and Serge had nothing wrong with him but he sat with me during PE. So I did talk with him but there were awkward silences and stuff. Since then a couple of times he's looked at me and tried to get my attention, but I completely ignore it and pretend he didn't do anything, pretend he wasn't looking at me because if I looked at him back I was scared that he would smile at me! I couldn't believe that I am like that, I wish I could just walk past him and say hi, I wish we were friends right now, and we could have been if it wasn't for all the ignoring of him :(. I feel so stupid, I wish it could start over. Right now, I want to talk to him and have another one of our conversations like we did during pe, but I'm too damn scared and he seems different because I haven't been "noticing him"(which i have but don't want him to see) as much lately. Please tell me what you think, and does he like me? Is he nervous? Please tell me your thoughts of this really complicated story.
3) There's another guy at my school who likes me, but he can get annoying when looking at me, he's in my class with his friend who tries to make me pay attention to Brad (the guy who likes me) by calling his name loudly and punching each other (Brad's friend is named Kurt.) I know Brad likes me because he's ALWAYS looking at me, I catch him doing it and it really gets on my nerves because I don't like him, maybe as a friend maybe but not anything else. If he asks me out I'm scared of what to say I'd just freeze. You see I've never had a boyfriend, I've never had any guy ask me out before, I've never asked anyone out before, I am so scared of what to do. I try to ignore this Brad and Kurt but wherever I go Brad's way away behind me staring at me. Like in class he always sits behind me, never in front. Tell me what you think please :) Sorry this all took awhile, but I thought I'd better write exactly what's on my mind, and if I've forgotten anything I'll let you know, I am at the stage where I say to myself that I need to do the things that I want before its all over and gone, but nothing seems to work, I always just become shy and do nothing!!! Thank you so much, please answer me soonxox kathryn
VictorM's answers:
Boy, this has to be the longest submission (and I edited it down some), but also a very cute one. I was chronically shy at your age, so I can relate.
1) Of course he likes you but he's 14 -- he's basically a freak of nature at this point.
2) If you can't bring yourself up to smile at a guy you don't deserve him. Come on Kathryn, you have to make SOME effort. A smile isn't a lot. Make an effort. I don't know if he's nervous but it's only natural that he doesn't approach you since you're sending him "stay away" signals.
3) Not ever having a boyfriend at 15 is nothing unusual, so don't sweat it. If Brad asks you out just say: "Oh Brad, that is so cute of you to ask but really, I'd rather eat pig vomit than go out with you". OK, just kidding, don't say that. Just say: "No, but thanks for asking".
Your shyness is a problem. You aren't going to change overnight, but as I said in bullet 1 above, you are going to have to make some effort. Start with smiling. Force yourself to smile at the boys. The more courageous ones will start talking to you and things will get easier after that.
Ex that I love
joseline, 15 from fortdrum, new york asks:
I have this ex that I love very much and he says he loves me too and the other day he asked me to get back with him but I said no because he wasn't really that nice to me the past couple of weeks and yesterday I called him so we can get back but then he said no but that he still loves me and then he said he wants to be with me but he doesn't want to deal with drama. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You should do nothing. You're both too immature for relationships. Stick to dolls and video games for now and try romance again in a few years.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have this ex that I love very much and he says he loves me too and the other day he asked me to get back with him but I said no because he wasn't really that nice to me the past couple of weeks and yesterday I called him so we can get back but then he said no but that he still loves me and then he said he wants to be with me but he doesn't want to deal with drama. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You should do nothing. You're both too immature for relationships. Stick to dolls and video games for now and try romance again in a few years.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I just realized I have feelings for him
af, 16 asks:
I like this guy, but I have not talked to him since 7th grade and now I am in 10th. I think I just realized I have feelings for him about a month ago and can't stop thinking about him. I see him in school but I don't think he remembers me. My best friend says I should just talk to him but I would feel embarrassed. What should I do? Should I just keep it to myself forever or finally try to tell him; but how?
Victor's advice:
Do NOT tell him about your feelings, but your friend is right: you should talk to him. Just mention that you remember him from 7th grade and you wonder if he remembers you. Think of some teachers you both had or some events that took place so that you two can have something to talk about initially.
You'll always wonder about him unless you talk to him and you will regret it if you don't. So, get up the nerve and talk to him... but not about your feelings.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I like this guy, but I have not talked to him since 7th grade and now I am in 10th. I think I just realized I have feelings for him about a month ago and can't stop thinking about him. I see him in school but I don't think he remembers me. My best friend says I should just talk to him but I would feel embarrassed. What should I do? Should I just keep it to myself forever or finally try to tell him; but how?
Victor's advice:
Do NOT tell him about your feelings, but your friend is right: you should talk to him. Just mention that you remember him from 7th grade and you wonder if he remembers you. Think of some teachers you both had or some events that took place so that you two can have something to talk about initially.
You'll always wonder about him unless you talk to him and you will regret it if you don't. So, get up the nerve and talk to him... but not about your feelings.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Cute physio student
tiffany, 24, from australia asks:
Hi there! Well I'm sort of confused (and too shy). I'm a medical student and do a weekly student clinic session with this cute physio student. He treats me each week, always chatting heaps before he starts the treatment. We have so much in common. My friend overheard him & another physio student rate me (he thinks I'm "pretty good"). He always touches me to say hi/bye, notices the colour of my toe polish, remembers everything I say & even noticed when I got my hair done recently, compliments me & praises my knowledge. A few other med students have noticed he flirts with me too & is touchy freely. I'd love to give him my number but I'm so scared he would laugh at me or humiliate me! Is he interested or just really friendly?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he won't laugh or humiliate you. Most likely he'll be flattered. But maybe he has a girlfriend (have you found out if he does? If you haven't, you should) or some other reasons for not seeing you, but his ego will come close to exploding with pride if you were to make a move.
I don't expect that what I say here will give you the courage to go ahead and give him your number, and that's a good thing, because I don't think you should. And I'll tell you why: he doesn't seem the shy type, so why hasn't he asked you out? Also, that rating of "pretty good", in guy talk, sounds pretty weak.
I suggest you give him signs that you'd accept an invitation from him, but don't be the one asking. Mention places you will be at and say something like "if you go don't forget to say hello". Or mention you'd like to see a certain movie but don't want to go alone. This way you can gauge his interest without the risk of rejection.
Hi there! Well I'm sort of confused (and too shy). I'm a medical student and do a weekly student clinic session with this cute physio student. He treats me each week, always chatting heaps before he starts the treatment. We have so much in common. My friend overheard him & another physio student rate me (he thinks I'm "pretty good"). He always touches me to say hi/bye, notices the colour of my toe polish, remembers everything I say & even noticed when I got my hair done recently, compliments me & praises my knowledge. A few other med students have noticed he flirts with me too & is touchy freely. I'd love to give him my number but I'm so scared he would laugh at me or humiliate me! Is he interested or just really friendly?
VictorM's advice:
Of course he won't laugh or humiliate you. Most likely he'll be flattered. But maybe he has a girlfriend (have you found out if he does? If you haven't, you should) or some other reasons for not seeing you, but his ego will come close to exploding with pride if you were to make a move.
I don't expect that what I say here will give you the courage to go ahead and give him your number, and that's a good thing, because I don't think you should. And I'll tell you why: he doesn't seem the shy type, so why hasn't he asked you out? Also, that rating of "pretty good", in guy talk, sounds pretty weak.
I suggest you give him signs that you'd accept an invitation from him, but don't be the one asking. Mention places you will be at and say something like "if you go don't forget to say hello". Or mention you'd like to see a certain movie but don't want to go alone. This way you can gauge his interest without the risk of rejection.
Monday, May 22, 2006
A real bad patch
Laura, 18, from England asks:
Me and my year boyfriend have recently been going through a real bad patch. I think I became digested in my own depression (my parents splitting up) and I became really obsessive. However, he's never really said it's causing any problems even when I asked him several times. And he still was saying I love you a lot and all the really nice things a guy can say to you. He even booked a holiday for us recently to Venice for August and was saying there's no one he'd rather go with. We had a really good Easter day too and he said it was days like those that made him realised how much he loves me. But I totally blanked him last week after he went out with people we both knew and didn't invite me. And he dumped me at the end of the week. (He knew why I was blanking him). We are both head high in A-LEVEL exams, and I cannot concentrate on anything because I don't understand why. He says he doesn't feel the same anymore, but seems to change his reasoning every time I spoke to him over the weekend. I wished him good luck before his exam Monday and he gave me a kiss on the lips TWICE, however treated me like a mate the rest of the day. I think he needs reminding of the good times. I'm annoyed because he never gave me the chance to put things right. He's so perfect and I don't want to lose him (although it feels like I already have). HELP I'M CONFUSED!!!
VictorM's advice:
Think of a bucket of water. It takes a lot of water without spilling over, and then, there's the one drop that makes it run over. That's the same thing with relationships. He can love you and tell you so, and take some of your odd behavior, and than that one drop makes him realize you're not the one. Falling out of love, or the desire to be with someone, need not be a slow, measurable progression. Sometimes it comes to us without us even thinking about it. So, in your case, he finally had enough and that last drop caused the whole bucket to overflow.
But frankly, it doesn't sound like a lost cause. Maybe he just had too many worries with school work to properly evaluate the situation, and with the stress he just took the easy way out. For now anyway.
Do not keep asking WHY he feels how he does. He won't tell you the real reason anyway and just puts on the defensive mode. So don't even bother. Just say to him that you realize that with the stress of your family issues and school work you may not have been the perfect girlfriend but that you love him. Leave it at that. If he's inclined to work things out, he will. If he lost his feelings for you, it's out of your control -- nothing you say will make a difference.
Me and my year boyfriend have recently been going through a real bad patch. I think I became digested in my own depression (my parents splitting up) and I became really obsessive. However, he's never really said it's causing any problems even when I asked him several times. And he still was saying I love you a lot and all the really nice things a guy can say to you. He even booked a holiday for us recently to Venice for August and was saying there's no one he'd rather go with. We had a really good Easter day too and he said it was days like those that made him realised how much he loves me. But I totally blanked him last week after he went out with people we both knew and didn't invite me. And he dumped me at the end of the week. (He knew why I was blanking him). We are both head high in A-LEVEL exams, and I cannot concentrate on anything because I don't understand why. He says he doesn't feel the same anymore, but seems to change his reasoning every time I spoke to him over the weekend. I wished him good luck before his exam Monday and he gave me a kiss on the lips TWICE, however treated me like a mate the rest of the day. I think he needs reminding of the good times. I'm annoyed because he never gave me the chance to put things right. He's so perfect and I don't want to lose him (although it feels like I already have). HELP I'M CONFUSED!!!
VictorM's advice:
Think of a bucket of water. It takes a lot of water without spilling over, and then, there's the one drop that makes it run over. That's the same thing with relationships. He can love you and tell you so, and take some of your odd behavior, and than that one drop makes him realize you're not the one. Falling out of love, or the desire to be with someone, need not be a slow, measurable progression. Sometimes it comes to us without us even thinking about it. So, in your case, he finally had enough and that last drop caused the whole bucket to overflow.
But frankly, it doesn't sound like a lost cause. Maybe he just had too many worries with school work to properly evaluate the situation, and with the stress he just took the easy way out. For now anyway.
Do not keep asking WHY he feels how he does. He won't tell you the real reason anyway and just puts on the defensive mode. So don't even bother. Just say to him that you realize that with the stress of your family issues and school work you may not have been the perfect girlfriend but that you love him. Leave it at that. If he's inclined to work things out, he will. If he lost his feelings for you, it's out of your control -- nothing you say will make a difference.
He threw an orange at me
Camielle, 16 from IL asks:
Yeah, so I really like this one guy in school(18), and I have no idea if he likes me back. We hung out a couple times with a group of friends, I sometimes catch him looking at me... The other day he kept watching me in lunch, and to get my attention he threw an orange at me from across the lunchroom.. what does that mean? Then later on he complimented me on a dress that he's seen me wear multiple times, "You look like a french maid in that dress" with a smile.. We always hug "hello" "good-bye" but... I don't know.. What should I be looking for for key indications that he may be interested in me? I don't want to waste my time. Should I just go up and say, "hey, I like you. What next?"?? I don't know!!!
VictorM's advice:
Whatever you do, do NOT tell him you like him!
He threw an orange at you? What other signs do you need? Clearly he's mad about you. :) OK, I'm kidding, but really, that is a good sign. That kind of specific act means he clearly has you in mind.
But, what are you so impatient about? Let the boy sweep you off your feet. Flirt with him, egg him on a little but not too much, enjoy the attention, but let him be the one making the moves.
Just hope that next he doesn't throw a melon at you. Maybe you should wear a helmet, just in case.
Yeah, so I really like this one guy in school(18), and I have no idea if he likes me back. We hung out a couple times with a group of friends, I sometimes catch him looking at me... The other day he kept watching me in lunch, and to get my attention he threw an orange at me from across the lunchroom.. what does that mean? Then later on he complimented me on a dress that he's seen me wear multiple times, "You look like a french maid in that dress" with a smile.. We always hug "hello" "good-bye" but... I don't know.. What should I be looking for for key indications that he may be interested in me? I don't want to waste my time. Should I just go up and say, "hey, I like you. What next?"?? I don't know!!!
VictorM's advice:
Whatever you do, do NOT tell him you like him!
He threw an orange at you? What other signs do you need? Clearly he's mad about you. :) OK, I'm kidding, but really, that is a good sign. That kind of specific act means he clearly has you in mind.
But, what are you so impatient about? Let the boy sweep you off your feet. Flirt with him, egg him on a little but not too much, enjoy the attention, but let him be the one making the moves.
Just hope that next he doesn't throw a melon at you. Maybe you should wear a helmet, just in case.
Feelings for this guy at work
sarah, 20, from wales asks:
Hi, recently I have developed feelings for this guy in work. When I first started there we hit it off and got on really well, and have always really had a little soft spot for him, however in the last few weeks things seemed to have developed, in that we are a lot more flirtatious toward each other and he's paying me loads of compliments just generally the air seems electric whenever we're around each other. We get on like a house on fire. The problem being he has a girlfriend also at work for about 2 years. I haven't raised it with him because nothing has happened but there had been moments where something could have happened, and the last thing I want to do is cheat, because its not in my nature to do that, but because of the way I feel I don't know what I might do because I've never felt like this before around someone, yet there is so much to lose. What do I do?!
VictorM's advice:
There is no question you are playing with fire. A messy triangle at work can be an impossible situation. Yet, I hear you. When the sparks fly, it can be hard to resist.
I don't know his feelings for you but do not dismiss that often guys flirt with girls purely for the sake of flirting. Guys can make a clear delineation between flirting with a girl and having feelings for her.
By the way, you're lying when you say you aren't the cheating type -- of course you are. If you weren't you wouldn't be adding fuel to the fire at work.
So, you asked me what to do. Here's my answer: Behave and stop encouraging his flirting. If he really liked you he would have broken-up with his girlfriend. You're nothing but a little play thing at work, an entertaining distraction, and a willing one at that. Society has little respect for girls like you, and rightly so.
Hi, recently I have developed feelings for this guy in work. When I first started there we hit it off and got on really well, and have always really had a little soft spot for him, however in the last few weeks things seemed to have developed, in that we are a lot more flirtatious toward each other and he's paying me loads of compliments just generally the air seems electric whenever we're around each other. We get on like a house on fire. The problem being he has a girlfriend also at work for about 2 years. I haven't raised it with him because nothing has happened but there had been moments where something could have happened, and the last thing I want to do is cheat, because its not in my nature to do that, but because of the way I feel I don't know what I might do because I've never felt like this before around someone, yet there is so much to lose. What do I do?!
VictorM's advice:
There is no question you are playing with fire. A messy triangle at work can be an impossible situation. Yet, I hear you. When the sparks fly, it can be hard to resist.
I don't know his feelings for you but do not dismiss that often guys flirt with girls purely for the sake of flirting. Guys can make a clear delineation between flirting with a girl and having feelings for her.
By the way, you're lying when you say you aren't the cheating type -- of course you are. If you weren't you wouldn't be adding fuel to the fire at work.
So, you asked me what to do. Here's my answer: Behave and stop encouraging his flirting. If he really liked you he would have broken-up with his girlfriend. You're nothing but a little play thing at work, an entertaining distraction, and a willing one at that. Society has little respect for girls like you, and rightly so.
I am in a very difficult situation
Anonymous, from: NA asks:
I am in a very difficult situation with my boyfriend of over a year. He is going to college 2 and a half hours away. My problem is that he told me, after saying he would like to have a long distance relationship, that he did not want to have one because he wasn't ready and didn't want to be that serious. After some talking and talking, he still did not want this to happen. Lately, he has been very busy with various things going on with school and has very little time to hang out or call me (if he does call, we usually talk on the phone for about 15 minutes and it is right before he falls asleep). I am always doing thoughtful things for him, like writing notes or getting him gifts. He appreciates them, and says that they are nice, but that I don't have to do them. However, he doesn't get anything for me or do anything like that, although he used to do it early in the relationship. I'm guessing he is tired with the same old thing. It seems that he puts his friends before me in a lot of situations, but says that he tries his best to make me happy, which can't be possible with the way he acts. He even told me that lately he doesn't want to worry about relationship things until he is less busy! He has also said that he wants to be less serious before he leaves. My problem here is that I know he's pushing me away and that he is very secure in the relationship and doesn't really need me. What I want to figure out is how to turn the tables and make him have a hard time leaving, want to be with me more, and I want to become more exciting and not the same old thing, and even more of a challenge. Do you think that this is possible? That if I make myself less available or act differently that he might want to have a long-distance relationship? What can I do? Please help me. This has been really tough on me, and I don't want things to end between me and him because I want to have a future with him, I just need some help getting him to fall for me again. Please give me the best advice you can think of. I appreciate your help and would really like things to change for the better. Thank you so much, Anonymous
VictorM's advice:
As I was reading your question I was thinking to myself that you need to make yourself scarce. And then I read that you're considering it. Yes, I think you should do it. He's too comfortable with you and that's not a good thing.
Look, maybe he'll fly the coop and never come back, and you may not be able to stop that, but making him feel that you're needy for him just makes him lazy, hence the ceasing of doing nice things for you. Guys are better boyfriends when they're in the conquest mode, so, you should try to get him in that mode, not only for now, but for the rest of your life.
So what to do? I don't know you so you'll have to adjust the examples I list to your situation, but consider doing things like being busy a little more, dress better and more sexy, wear a different perfume, change your hairstyle, go to different places, make plans with friends and withouth him, etc. If you come across as desirable and alive with excitement, he'll want you. Trust me on this: the needy girlfriend bit only drives the boyfriend away, so stop that!
I don't know if that will be enough to survive the long distance, but you should try to change anyway. At least you'll feel better that you tried.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am in a very difficult situation with my boyfriend of over a year. He is going to college 2 and a half hours away. My problem is that he told me, after saying he would like to have a long distance relationship, that he did not want to have one because he wasn't ready and didn't want to be that serious. After some talking and talking, he still did not want this to happen. Lately, he has been very busy with various things going on with school and has very little time to hang out or call me (if he does call, we usually talk on the phone for about 15 minutes and it is right before he falls asleep). I am always doing thoughtful things for him, like writing notes or getting him gifts. He appreciates them, and says that they are nice, but that I don't have to do them. However, he doesn't get anything for me or do anything like that, although he used to do it early in the relationship. I'm guessing he is tired with the same old thing. It seems that he puts his friends before me in a lot of situations, but says that he tries his best to make me happy, which can't be possible with the way he acts. He even told me that lately he doesn't want to worry about relationship things until he is less busy! He has also said that he wants to be less serious before he leaves. My problem here is that I know he's pushing me away and that he is very secure in the relationship and doesn't really need me. What I want to figure out is how to turn the tables and make him have a hard time leaving, want to be with me more, and I want to become more exciting and not the same old thing, and even more of a challenge. Do you think that this is possible? That if I make myself less available or act differently that he might want to have a long-distance relationship? What can I do? Please help me. This has been really tough on me, and I don't want things to end between me and him because I want to have a future with him, I just need some help getting him to fall for me again. Please give me the best advice you can think of. I appreciate your help and would really like things to change for the better. Thank you so much, Anonymous
VictorM's advice:
As I was reading your question I was thinking to myself that you need to make yourself scarce. And then I read that you're considering it. Yes, I think you should do it. He's too comfortable with you and that's not a good thing.
Look, maybe he'll fly the coop and never come back, and you may not be able to stop that, but making him feel that you're needy for him just makes him lazy, hence the ceasing of doing nice things for you. Guys are better boyfriends when they're in the conquest mode, so, you should try to get him in that mode, not only for now, but for the rest of your life.
So what to do? I don't know you so you'll have to adjust the examples I list to your situation, but consider doing things like being busy a little more, dress better and more sexy, wear a different perfume, change your hairstyle, go to different places, make plans with friends and withouth him, etc. If you come across as desirable and alive with excitement, he'll want you. Trust me on this: the needy girlfriend bit only drives the boyfriend away, so stop that!
I don't know if that will be enough to survive the long distance, but you should try to change anyway. At least you'll feel better that you tried.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, May 21, 2006
I acted really immaturely
Celia, 39, from New York asks:
Hi and thank you so much for any help. I've put it in point form:
* he broke up with me after a year
* to be honest, I acted really immaturely and didn't treat him with respect toward the end. I was frustrated with an injury I'd sustained and the money it cost me and I fell apart. I moved out of our home to get a job in another state.
* felt us slipping away and held on way too tight which he said is why he broke up. Also he hated the long distance
*it's been 3 years. I'd like to see him again. He contacted me 2 years ago but didn't reply to my return email. I wrote to him in September as a friend, no answer
*I'd like to see him again but am concerned that if we just bumped into each other, he'd think I was nuts as I don't live in the same state.
*he's been single for the last 3 years. Some time after we broke up, he said he hated that he thought it but couldn't help thinking we were always meant to be together. Then he closed down completely.
Any advice on the seeing him again? Thank you.
Celia
VictorM's advice:
If you wrote to him like nothing had happened, I can see why he didn't answer. My suggestion is for you to email him again and write the things you did wrong, as best as you can recall. Express how sorry you are and what you have learned from them. If your list of mistakes matches his, he might be inclined to want to try again.
You don't have to make the email too long. Guys like things brief and to the point. End it with a short and sincere-sounding "I'm so sorry and would appreciate another chance." If you still love him, say so. But please, don't get weepy and needy. You made mistakes; you didn't kill anyone. If he's not the forgiving type, maybe you're better off without him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi and thank you so much for any help. I've put it in point form:
* he broke up with me after a year
* to be honest, I acted really immaturely and didn't treat him with respect toward the end. I was frustrated with an injury I'd sustained and the money it cost me and I fell apart. I moved out of our home to get a job in another state.
* felt us slipping away and held on way too tight which he said is why he broke up. Also he hated the long distance
*it's been 3 years. I'd like to see him again. He contacted me 2 years ago but didn't reply to my return email. I wrote to him in September as a friend, no answer
*I'd like to see him again but am concerned that if we just bumped into each other, he'd think I was nuts as I don't live in the same state.
*he's been single for the last 3 years. Some time after we broke up, he said he hated that he thought it but couldn't help thinking we were always meant to be together. Then he closed down completely.
Any advice on the seeing him again? Thank you.
Celia
VictorM's advice:
If you wrote to him like nothing had happened, I can see why he didn't answer. My suggestion is for you to email him again and write the things you did wrong, as best as you can recall. Express how sorry you are and what you have learned from them. If your list of mistakes matches his, he might be inclined to want to try again.
You don't have to make the email too long. Guys like things brief and to the point. End it with a short and sincere-sounding "I'm so sorry and would appreciate another chance." If you still love him, say so. But please, don't get weepy and needy. You made mistakes; you didn't kill anyone. If he's not the forgiving type, maybe you're better off without him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I got engaged to the love of my life
Kylie, 26, from Australia asks:
5 years ago I got engaged to the love of my life, a guy I'd been with for 5 years. When I got a new job I became friends with a girl and she somehow tore us apart and I broke up with him. He went into the defence forces and got married after 10 weeks. I still love him so much, why would he marry someone else so soon? I can clearly see he is not happy with her. Do you think there is ever a chance to get back together? The breakup was quite messy and painful.
VictorM's answer:
I'd say the odds are not very good. Generally, guys don't get over messy breakp-ups easily. You don't specify what happened, but for a girl to cause a messy and painful break-up with the "love of your life" it must have been pretty bad. And if it involved any kind of break of trust -- and it sounds like it did -- I'd say you're pretty much doomed.
His quick marriage could be a mistake on his part, but one designed to remove you from his life once and for all. Even if he's not happy with his wife, why would he go back to the source of the pain? I don't think he'll do it. He probably will just pile more anger against you if his marriage fails.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
5 years ago I got engaged to the love of my life, a guy I'd been with for 5 years. When I got a new job I became friends with a girl and she somehow tore us apart and I broke up with him. He went into the defence forces and got married after 10 weeks. I still love him so much, why would he marry someone else so soon? I can clearly see he is not happy with her. Do you think there is ever a chance to get back together? The breakup was quite messy and painful.
VictorM's answer:
I'd say the odds are not very good. Generally, guys don't get over messy breakp-ups easily. You don't specify what happened, but for a girl to cause a messy and painful break-up with the "love of your life" it must have been pretty bad. And if it involved any kind of break of trust -- and it sounds like it did -- I'd say you're pretty much doomed.
His quick marriage could be a mistake on his part, but one designed to remove you from his life once and for all. Even if he's not happy with his wife, why would he go back to the source of the pain? I don't think he'll do it. He probably will just pile more anger against you if his marriage fails.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Don't Move Too Fast
Brandi, 21, from Texas asks:
Okay, we all know the "rules" DONT MOVE TOO FAST! BUT, what if we do move too fast in a relationship, don't realize it at that time, fall in love with each other, and then realize that we have moved too fast and break up? In my situation it was the timing (he wanted to date and whatnot). SO, the question is, if you move too fast and break up, yet still care for one another (and have a child with them, lol) is there any coming back from that? Even if you both have dated other people. Is there still a possibility that the time could become right, even if you moved too fast the first time you were together?
VictorM's answer:
I'd say yes, there is a chance, but I don't think the odds of it working out are very good. Sure, he may have realized you're all kinds of wonderful compared to others, but that still means he didn't think you're all that, so now he's just settling.
I also don't buy that the break-up was because you moved too fast. People who move too fast usually just slow down. In your case, I just think he's gotten over you, you just don't seem to want to accept that. I fear you're just wasting your time.
You're better off planning to move on. Don't sit around waiting for him.
Okay, we all know the "rules" DONT MOVE TOO FAST! BUT, what if we do move too fast in a relationship, don't realize it at that time, fall in love with each other, and then realize that we have moved too fast and break up? In my situation it was the timing (he wanted to date and whatnot). SO, the question is, if you move too fast and break up, yet still care for one another (and have a child with them, lol) is there any coming back from that? Even if you both have dated other people. Is there still a possibility that the time could become right, even if you moved too fast the first time you were together?
VictorM's answer:
I'd say yes, there is a chance, but I don't think the odds of it working out are very good. Sure, he may have realized you're all kinds of wonderful compared to others, but that still means he didn't think you're all that, so now he's just settling.
I also don't buy that the break-up was because you moved too fast. People who move too fast usually just slow down. In your case, I just think he's gotten over you, you just don't seem to want to accept that. I fear you're just wasting your time.
You're better off planning to move on. Don't sit around waiting for him.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
I met a guy at a party
Susie, 19, from Michigan asks:
I'm in college and I met a guy at a party that a lot of my friends already knew. For the next few weeks we hung out a lot, talked a lot, and made out a little. We seemed like and acted like we were a couple and everyone thought that. I told him I was worried because I was told he was a player and was just looking for some, but he got mad and said that he couldn't believe anyone thought that was true including me. We talked through it and it went back to normal. One night he blew me off, and we both went home for a school break. After that he was just weird and I could tell something bad happened at home with his parents over break. We stopped talking for the next few weeks. But then I found out he was sick and I asked him about it because someone had told me it might be mono. He said it wasn't and hoped I have a good summer break. We both went home, and we live 15 hours hours apart, so seeing each other this summer is out of the question. So I guess my question is did I give up trying to soon on something that was an actual potential relationship, was he really just looking for some, or is it something completely different?
VictorM's answer:
He has a reputation as a player, you confront him with it (meaning, he now knows you won't put out that easily), you don't put out easily, and so he's not interested in you. If A=B, and B=C, then A=C. Conclusion: he just wanted some.
I'm in college and I met a guy at a party that a lot of my friends already knew. For the next few weeks we hung out a lot, talked a lot, and made out a little. We seemed like and acted like we were a couple and everyone thought that. I told him I was worried because I was told he was a player and was just looking for some, but he got mad and said that he couldn't believe anyone thought that was true including me. We talked through it and it went back to normal. One night he blew me off, and we both went home for a school break. After that he was just weird and I could tell something bad happened at home with his parents over break. We stopped talking for the next few weeks. But then I found out he was sick and I asked him about it because someone had told me it might be mono. He said it wasn't and hoped I have a good summer break. We both went home, and we live 15 hours hours apart, so seeing each other this summer is out of the question. So I guess my question is did I give up trying to soon on something that was an actual potential relationship, was he really just looking for some, or is it something completely different?
VictorM's answer:
He has a reputation as a player, you confront him with it (meaning, he now knows you won't put out that easily), you don't put out easily, and so he's not interested in you. If A=B, and B=C, then A=C. Conclusion: he just wanted some.
Dating a guy 10 years my junior
jules, 38, from Germany asks:
Hi! I have been dating a guy 10 years my junior for 8 months. I certainly didn't rush into anything and I am pretty sure he is very fond of me. Problem is that he has stated quite clearly that the age difference is a problem for him. Basically he wants a loose relationship with no obligations. He is very attracted to me and thinks the sex is amazing (I'm sure he does!) I decided I couldn't go through with this and broke it off but he always gets in contact again. I know i probably make it easy for him by always going back. Like they say "love is a drug". So I am under no illusions about this relationship. I guess I'm writing because I'm not sure if I can really handle this and yet I know that if I break it off again we still end up getting back together. He has now started buying me gifts (probably to relieve his conscience) and helping me out with money. So a kind of dependency is developing. I am sooo afraid. I keep thinking of the worst case scenario which is him saying he has met someone else. May I ask you what happens in such relationships? I mean, am I really going to get seriously hurt since I am obviously the "weaker" one. Don't get me wrong, I am well aware of my appeal and have no problems meeting other men but I guess I'm too "in Love" with this younger guy to be open for someone else. It's a catch 22 situation! Thank you for reading this.
VictorM's advice:
He was honest with you and there's no question that he likes you, otherwise he wouldn't be doing all that he does. It's also possible that he won't find anyone else because he's so in love with you. Did you ever think of that?
Sometimes people just worry too much about the future at the expense of the present. He, or you, may find someone down the road, true, but today, you have great times together. I say enjoy his company and let fate take its course. Good things happen to good people. You're brave enough to recognize moving on is not an option, so enjoy staying and making it the best you can. Even if things turn sour in the future you'll be surprised how much you can live on with the good memories. So make your present the perfect memories for your future.
And maybe, at some point he'll get over the age difference. That's a big question mark but it might happen, so there's no point burning any bridges.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi! I have been dating a guy 10 years my junior for 8 months. I certainly didn't rush into anything and I am pretty sure he is very fond of me. Problem is that he has stated quite clearly that the age difference is a problem for him. Basically he wants a loose relationship with no obligations. He is very attracted to me and thinks the sex is amazing (I'm sure he does!) I decided I couldn't go through with this and broke it off but he always gets in contact again. I know i probably make it easy for him by always going back. Like they say "love is a drug". So I am under no illusions about this relationship. I guess I'm writing because I'm not sure if I can really handle this and yet I know that if I break it off again we still end up getting back together. He has now started buying me gifts (probably to relieve his conscience) and helping me out with money. So a kind of dependency is developing. I am sooo afraid. I keep thinking of the worst case scenario which is him saying he has met someone else. May I ask you what happens in such relationships? I mean, am I really going to get seriously hurt since I am obviously the "weaker" one. Don't get me wrong, I am well aware of my appeal and have no problems meeting other men but I guess I'm too "in Love" with this younger guy to be open for someone else. It's a catch 22 situation! Thank you for reading this.
VictorM's advice:
He was honest with you and there's no question that he likes you, otherwise he wouldn't be doing all that he does. It's also possible that he won't find anyone else because he's so in love with you. Did you ever think of that?
Sometimes people just worry too much about the future at the expense of the present. He, or you, may find someone down the road, true, but today, you have great times together. I say enjoy his company and let fate take its course. Good things happen to good people. You're brave enough to recognize moving on is not an option, so enjoy staying and making it the best you can. Even if things turn sour in the future you'll be surprised how much you can live on with the good memories. So make your present the perfect memories for your future.
And maybe, at some point he'll get over the age difference. That's a big question mark but it might happen, so there's no point burning any bridges.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He made my heart go boom
gemma, 23, from cornwall asks:
Hi - There is a guy called Rich. We work together in a pub. He made my heart go boom every time I saw him. We have got to know each other quite well and he has told me that he really fancies me and thinks it could be more than just fancy. We are quite similar - laid back etc. He makes me feel amazing and I think I do the same for him. He said he's excited to come to work knowing I'm there etc. Catch - he's got a girlfriend of 2 years but he's told me that it's not like he's in love. Anyway - we met each other out in a club the other night and he said he likes me etc - we ended up sleeping together! I kept saying - what about the girl - he said to me that it's nice that I care - but he did it all the same. Since that night he still gives me hugs when no ones around and we still have a look of love in our eyes - but I feel used and he has now said that it's not the right time cos he has to sort out his girlfriend either way - and he feels a bit all over the place etc. I try and be as cool as I can. But I think I could fall in love with him and I think there is potential there. What should I do - and do you think I have a chance? Mite he dump the girl?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you were used. You were aware of his girlfriend and had sex with him voluntarily. He promised you nothing and so you're getting nothing in return. Let's call it poetic justice for being a willing participant in an act of cheating.
He's been with her 2 years, so this is not someone he had met and hadn't developed feelings for.
Could he be in love with you and just need time to let her down easy? I doubt it. He's not saying that, he's just giving you excuses.
Face it, the guy that makes your heart go boom is a cheater and a liar. As Sade would say, he's a smooth operator. It may be hard for you to believe this now, but I think you'd luck out if he actually stays with her.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi - There is a guy called Rich. We work together in a pub. He made my heart go boom every time I saw him. We have got to know each other quite well and he has told me that he really fancies me and thinks it could be more than just fancy. We are quite similar - laid back etc. He makes me feel amazing and I think I do the same for him. He said he's excited to come to work knowing I'm there etc. Catch - he's got a girlfriend of 2 years but he's told me that it's not like he's in love. Anyway - we met each other out in a club the other night and he said he likes me etc - we ended up sleeping together! I kept saying - what about the girl - he said to me that it's nice that I care - but he did it all the same. Since that night he still gives me hugs when no ones around and we still have a look of love in our eyes - but I feel used and he has now said that it's not the right time cos he has to sort out his girlfriend either way - and he feels a bit all over the place etc. I try and be as cool as I can. But I think I could fall in love with him and I think there is potential there. What should I do - and do you think I have a chance? Mite he dump the girl?
VictorM's advice:
I don't think you were used. You were aware of his girlfriend and had sex with him voluntarily. He promised you nothing and so you're getting nothing in return. Let's call it poetic justice for being a willing participant in an act of cheating.
He's been with her 2 years, so this is not someone he had met and hadn't developed feelings for.
Could he be in love with you and just need time to let her down easy? I doubt it. He's not saying that, he's just giving you excuses.
Face it, the guy that makes your heart go boom is a cheater and a liar. As Sade would say, he's a smooth operator. It may be hard for you to believe this now, but I think you'd luck out if he actually stays with her.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, May 19, 2006
We're catching on
After about 5 months of existence, it seems this site is catching on -- at least the advice pages. Over the last couple weeks the number of questions has steadily been increasing. In addition, I happen to be on vacation in the Azores, so my time is more restricted for the next couple weeks. I'll continue to answer questions but I ask for a little patience.
I'll take this opportunity to answer several questions about this blog:
How long does it take to get an answer to my question?
Anywhere from a few hours to about 3 or 4 days.
How do you decide what questions to answer?
The first criteria is did you bother to take the time to write it properly? I figure if you don't have the time to try your best, I don't have the time to answer it. I also stay away from questions that are over my head or too serious. For example, I don't address suicide questions and such. Also, questions that have been asked several times might get skipped. Other questions might get skipped simply because I don't have the time to answer them all.
Does age matter when you decide what to answer?
No, not at all. I ask for the age because it helps me target the answer. Although this site was intended for adults and mature teens, teenagers who'd prefer to get advice from a younger guy might want to try purplepjs.com. That's an outstanding site for teens, not only for advice but it's a fun teen community for a lot of topics.
If a question is sent to both Ask A Real Guy and Ask A Real Girl is it discarded?
No. Lee and I don't cross check each others questions. It may happen that we both answer the same question, that's OK because then you get the view of a guy and of a girl. And if Lee and I give different answers, it would be wise to take her advice :) She's great, isn't she?
I'll take this opportunity to answer several questions about this blog:
How long does it take to get an answer to my question?
Anywhere from a few hours to about 3 or 4 days.
How do you decide what questions to answer?
The first criteria is did you bother to take the time to write it properly? I figure if you don't have the time to try your best, I don't have the time to answer it. I also stay away from questions that are over my head or too serious. For example, I don't address suicide questions and such. Also, questions that have been asked several times might get skipped. Other questions might get skipped simply because I don't have the time to answer them all.
Does age matter when you decide what to answer?
No, not at all. I ask for the age because it helps me target the answer. Although this site was intended for adults and mature teens, teenagers who'd prefer to get advice from a younger guy might want to try purplepjs.com. That's an outstanding site for teens, not only for advice but it's a fun teen community for a lot of topics.
If a question is sent to both Ask A Real Guy and Ask A Real Girl is it discarded?
No. Lee and I don't cross check each others questions. It may happen that we both answer the same question, that's OK because then you get the view of a guy and of a girl. And if Lee and I give different answers, it would be wise to take her advice :) She's great, isn't she?
I am pretty and beautiful
monica, 19, asks:
Boys always say that I am pretty and beautiful, and I have lots of guy friends, and guys at parties and stuff will always come and talk to me, but I don't, and have never had, a boyfriend. What's with this? I know some guys like me, and even when I like them back, they never ask me out or anything. Is there something I'm doing wrong? I am always friendly and talk to them, even if I'm not interested, and I try my best to flirt with the ones I do like. So I don't understand!
VictorM's answer:
I get this question many times. Many girls who are beautiful quite often have the same complaint. Why? Well, there are many reasons why guys don't ask you out, and none of them have to do with you doing anything wrong or there being anything wrong with you.
Most common reasons guys don't approach you are: guys are intimidated by your beauty and figure you must already have a boyfriend; many guys just feel they're not worthy of you and so don't even try; many think having a beautiful girlfriend is a pain in the ass because other guys are always trying to hit on her; many think you'll only go out with a guy who is as handsome as you're beautiful, etc.
What do to? Ask guys out. You don't even have to like them a lot. Others will realize you're only human and they might take a chance. But I warn you, once the flood gates open, watch out -- you'll be very popular.
I also say don't force it and don't try too hard. After all, you don't want to go out with someone who lacks confidence. It may take a bit longer, but you're better off with a confident guy rather than one who'll always be thinking you're gonna dump him because he's not good enough.
Boys always say that I am pretty and beautiful, and I have lots of guy friends, and guys at parties and stuff will always come and talk to me, but I don't, and have never had, a boyfriend. What's with this? I know some guys like me, and even when I like them back, they never ask me out or anything. Is there something I'm doing wrong? I am always friendly and talk to them, even if I'm not interested, and I try my best to flirt with the ones I do like. So I don't understand!
VictorM's answer:
I get this question many times. Many girls who are beautiful quite often have the same complaint. Why? Well, there are many reasons why guys don't ask you out, and none of them have to do with you doing anything wrong or there being anything wrong with you.
Most common reasons guys don't approach you are: guys are intimidated by your beauty and figure you must already have a boyfriend; many guys just feel they're not worthy of you and so don't even try; many think having a beautiful girlfriend is a pain in the ass because other guys are always trying to hit on her; many think you'll only go out with a guy who is as handsome as you're beautiful, etc.
What do to? Ask guys out. You don't even have to like them a lot. Others will realize you're only human and they might take a chance. But I warn you, once the flood gates open, watch out -- you'll be very popular.
I also say don't force it and don't try too hard. After all, you don't want to go out with someone who lacks confidence. It may take a bit longer, but you're better off with a confident guy rather than one who'll always be thinking you're gonna dump him because he's not good enough.
Sex Buddy
Alicia, 21, from Greensboro asks:
What does it mean when you constantly argue with a sex buddy not over simple stuff but things you can't help like guys that were in your past? But this sex buddy swears he doesn't want to take it to the next level. Why is he being such a pain in the ass if he doesn't want to be with me than why is he making stuff so difficult like we're a couple. I am so confuse. I like this guy I lot and I think I'm falling in love with him but it hard when I don't really understand him!!!
VictorM's advice:
I think he probably has feelings for you but let's face it, who wants to get serious with someone who's a sex buddy with a reputation as such? I think he's giving you a hard time because he recognizes you're not someone worth building a future with, and that disappoints him.
Oh well, you made that bed, now don't be shocked that you're sleeping in it.
You want different results? Quit being so easy. Sex buddy = spoiled goods.
What does it mean when you constantly argue with a sex buddy not over simple stuff but things you can't help like guys that were in your past? But this sex buddy swears he doesn't want to take it to the next level. Why is he being such a pain in the ass if he doesn't want to be with me than why is he making stuff so difficult like we're a couple. I am so confuse. I like this guy I lot and I think I'm falling in love with him but it hard when I don't really understand him!!!
VictorM's advice:
I think he probably has feelings for you but let's face it, who wants to get serious with someone who's a sex buddy with a reputation as such? I think he's giving you a hard time because he recognizes you're not someone worth building a future with, and that disappoints him.
Oh well, you made that bed, now don't be shocked that you're sleeping in it.
You want different results? Quit being so easy. Sex buddy = spoiled goods.
He will not commit to making set dates
natalie, 34, from Cape Town asks:
I have met this guy that i have fallen in love with. He has told me that he loves me and that he doesn't want another woman. Also that he is ready to move in with a woman. My question is why does he - at his admission - try to break us up etc? He does this by not visiting when he says he will. But then proceeds to phone me the rest of the night to apologise. He also has not let me meet his family, although he will phone me when he is there and has told them about me. He tells me that he doesn't want to hurt me because he will be leaving the country soon, not sure when. And that he will never get married. Also he is sure that we won't be together for the long haul. Although if he had to choose a woman he knows that i would be the right choice because he thinks we would be happy. And that he cannot allow himself to be happy because he has been hurt in the past. When i try to leave him he begs me not to. He also tends to be insanely jealous of me. But will not commit to making set dates at all. And he will rather go out on his own. But loves having me around for weekends and holidays and most evenings during the week. We can sit and chat for hours on end without there being a lull in the conversation. Basically he is giving me mixed signals and i am confused! Is he playing me - I don't think so - and if not is he just commitment phobic?
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not giving you mixed signals. His signals are very clear; it's your inability to face the obvious that's confusing you.
Here's how I see the signals: he likes you as someone to spend time with when he feels like it but otherwise, he doesn't want to get too close to you. Forget all the silly words about what he thinks about you -- he'll say whatever it takes to have you coming back for more.
If you like being just company, continue to see him. If you're looking for a serious relationship, stop seeing him and look elsewhere.
I have met this guy that i have fallen in love with. He has told me that he loves me and that he doesn't want another woman. Also that he is ready to move in with a woman. My question is why does he - at his admission - try to break us up etc? He does this by not visiting when he says he will. But then proceeds to phone me the rest of the night to apologise. He also has not let me meet his family, although he will phone me when he is there and has told them about me. He tells me that he doesn't want to hurt me because he will be leaving the country soon, not sure when. And that he will never get married. Also he is sure that we won't be together for the long haul. Although if he had to choose a woman he knows that i would be the right choice because he thinks we would be happy. And that he cannot allow himself to be happy because he has been hurt in the past. When i try to leave him he begs me not to. He also tends to be insanely jealous of me. But will not commit to making set dates at all. And he will rather go out on his own. But loves having me around for weekends and holidays and most evenings during the week. We can sit and chat for hours on end without there being a lull in the conversation. Basically he is giving me mixed signals and i am confused! Is he playing me - I don't think so - and if not is he just commitment phobic?
VictorM's advice:
No, he's not giving you mixed signals. His signals are very clear; it's your inability to face the obvious that's confusing you.
Here's how I see the signals: he likes you as someone to spend time with when he feels like it but otherwise, he doesn't want to get too close to you. Forget all the silly words about what he thinks about you -- he'll say whatever it takes to have you coming back for more.
If you like being just company, continue to see him. If you're looking for a serious relationship, stop seeing him and look elsewhere.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
I met and older guy
Melissa, 21, from Bridgeton, NJ asks:
I met an older guy who seemed to share numerous interests with me and we clicked right away. The more we hung out the better the conversation got. Only problem was that he would occasionally bring up sex which I would simply tell him wasn't happening cause I am a lady and I don't just give that to anyone. I explained that I have a bad past as far as sexual activity but have grown past it and now cherish my body. On the fourth night I ended up sleeping at his house and one thing lead to another and we ended up being intimate. Afterward he insisted that I curl up near him the entire night, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that now that I "put out" that's all it will ever be. Was this a huge mistake or can something more still happen?
VictorM's answer:
You're both adults and had consensual sex. Him being older has nothing to do with this.
Was this a mistake? It all depends on his intentions and yours. Maybe he's now convinced your reputation as easy is still very much alive after all, despite your claims that you're now a lady. Maybe he'll think you're a lady who is in love with him. After all, wanting to curl with you is a good sign from him.
But leave him out of this. You don't seem too confident on your reasons for having sex with him. This talk of "one thing led to another" is copout. Face the real reasons you had sex with him and deal with it.
I met an older guy who seemed to share numerous interests with me and we clicked right away. The more we hung out the better the conversation got. Only problem was that he would occasionally bring up sex which I would simply tell him wasn't happening cause I am a lady and I don't just give that to anyone. I explained that I have a bad past as far as sexual activity but have grown past it and now cherish my body. On the fourth night I ended up sleeping at his house and one thing lead to another and we ended up being intimate. Afterward he insisted that I curl up near him the entire night, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that now that I "put out" that's all it will ever be. Was this a huge mistake or can something more still happen?
VictorM's answer:
You're both adults and had consensual sex. Him being older has nothing to do with this.
Was this a mistake? It all depends on his intentions and yours. Maybe he's now convinced your reputation as easy is still very much alive after all, despite your claims that you're now a lady. Maybe he'll think you're a lady who is in love with him. After all, wanting to curl with you is a good sign from him.
But leave him out of this. You don't seem too confident on your reasons for having sex with him. This talk of "one thing led to another" is copout. Face the real reasons you had sex with him and deal with it.
He says he loves me but
Bridget, 23, from South Africa asks:
I have known a guy for about 5 years but we have been going out for about a year. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and cares for me, however nobody knows that we are going out because he says that he is not ready for everyone to know. He has a history of being unfaithful. Is he more than likely cheating on me?
VictorM's answer:
I can't say that he's cheating but I can't think of a good reason why he should want to keep it a secret. And if he has that history, it's silly to think that he magically changed.
I have known a guy for about 5 years but we have been going out for about a year. He keeps telling me how much he loves me and cares for me, however nobody knows that we are going out because he says that he is not ready for everyone to know. He has a history of being unfaithful. Is he more than likely cheating on me?
VictorM's answer:
I can't say that he's cheating but I can't think of a good reason why he should want to keep it a secret. And if he has that history, it's silly to think that he magically changed.
He talks about other girls
Shelly, 19, from Indiana asks:
If you spend most of your time with a guy, and he talks about other girls with you a lot, and hits on other girls in front of you, could that mean that he's entirely not interested in you and trying to give you a hint? (Even if he still calls you to hang out and talk and stuff).
VictorM's answer:
Yes, it could mean that he thinks of you as just a friend, as just "one of the guys". But... in guy logic, it could also mean he likes you a lot. I know, seems like weird logic, but guys think that by doing what he's doing in front of you he can see if you get jealous and give him hints that you like him.
So, if you like the guy "like that", just tell him to stop talking about other girls in front of you because it makes you jealous. Then wink and smile. Unless he's an idiot, he got his sign. If, however, you just like him as a friend, let it go. Whatever his reasons for doing what he's doing that's his problem.
If you spend most of your time with a guy, and he talks about other girls with you a lot, and hits on other girls in front of you, could that mean that he's entirely not interested in you and trying to give you a hint? (Even if he still calls you to hang out and talk and stuff).
VictorM's answer:
Yes, it could mean that he thinks of you as just a friend, as just "one of the guys". But... in guy logic, it could also mean he likes you a lot. I know, seems like weird logic, but guys think that by doing what he's doing in front of you he can see if you get jealous and give him hints that you like him.
So, if you like the guy "like that", just tell him to stop talking about other girls in front of you because it makes you jealous. Then wink and smile. Unless he's an idiot, he got his sign. If, however, you just like him as a friend, let it go. Whatever his reasons for doing what he's doing that's his problem.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Casual dating
Daytra, 33, from north carolina asks:
I am seeing a new guy, he's talked about only casual dating a few times a month but every since last week we've seen each other everyday... even if its only 15 minutes a day. Anyway, just when I think things are really going well, he reminds me that we are just casual dating. I am thinking that maybe he wants to give "us" a chance but he's scared. Im not sure. I can tell you that he hasn't dated a lot of girls so I'm not sure if he's been hurt somewhere along the way or what. He is still a virgin at 32... very unusual to find that. Anyway, please let me know what I can do to help this relationship along the way. I've not been pushy and haven't asked to see him, he's the one making the moves. Just wondering what you think.
VictorM's advice:
Still a virgin at 32? Very unusual, indeed. I don't know the reason for that but the best you can do is let him dictate the pace. And there's nothing wrong with going slow.
I have no idea why he's still a virgin. It could be by choice (religious beliefs, for example) , lack of sexual desire, or problems with performance. Many guys have problems performing sexually until they fully trust their partner. If this is the reason, it's one more reason to go at his speed.
But don't discount that there is something wrong sexually with him, whatever that could be. In this day an age there are plenty of ways to help men who have problems performing, so that need not be a deterrent to move along with the relationship. The problem is how to bring the subject up. But you should find out his reasons. Sexual compatibility is very important.
I am seeing a new guy, he's talked about only casual dating a few times a month but every since last week we've seen each other everyday... even if its only 15 minutes a day. Anyway, just when I think things are really going well, he reminds me that we are just casual dating. I am thinking that maybe he wants to give "us" a chance but he's scared. Im not sure. I can tell you that he hasn't dated a lot of girls so I'm not sure if he's been hurt somewhere along the way or what. He is still a virgin at 32... very unusual to find that. Anyway, please let me know what I can do to help this relationship along the way. I've not been pushy and haven't asked to see him, he's the one making the moves. Just wondering what you think.
VictorM's advice:
Still a virgin at 32? Very unusual, indeed. I don't know the reason for that but the best you can do is let him dictate the pace. And there's nothing wrong with going slow.
I have no idea why he's still a virgin. It could be by choice (religious beliefs, for example) , lack of sexual desire, or problems with performance. Many guys have problems performing sexually until they fully trust their partner. If this is the reason, it's one more reason to go at his speed.
But don't discount that there is something wrong sexually with him, whatever that could be. In this day an age there are plenty of ways to help men who have problems performing, so that need not be a deterrent to move along with the relationship. The problem is how to bring the subject up. But you should find out his reasons. Sexual compatibility is very important.
This boy asked me out
clarice, 17, from TEXAS asks:
This boy at my school asked my out yesterday, I was really conflicted since I like him but my dad severely disapproves of my having a boyfriend, but I don't know how to talk to him about it (I told the guy yes, but don't know how it's going to work out since my parents have no clue.) I really don't want to sneak around my parents because that makes me feel really guilty and I just want to have a fun time with this guy (lets call him Cameron) and I don't want there to be this cloud of guilt hanging over my head while I'm with him. My mom is much easier to talk to but I think I'd have to lie to her and tell her that I think Cameron is GOING TO ask me out and not "he ALREADY HAS AND I SAID YES". I am really afraid of asking my dad about it because I once did have sort of a silly "boyfriend" thing a year ago but didn't tell him about it till a few weeks after I dumped him and dad was furious, he didn't want to talk to me or anything he was really disappointed, but then he calmed down and told me that he didn't want me to feel like I can't talk to him*but how can I with the way he reacted* I want to trust that he meant what he said but if he doesn't freak out then I think he will ask questions like 'how can you be thinking of boys when you have you schoolwork to concentrate on?!' and 'What do you think you will do with a boyfriend?!' and 'They have only one thing on their mind!!!!' *which I know but I'm not the kind of teengirl that makes stupid decisions like having sex and drinking, and my god doesn't he think I know that they think of sex 24/7?!?! So do females my age! But not all of us are impulsive little sex nymphs! I know where my boundaries lie and I don't let people cross them, I know what he's afraid of: Cameron taking advantage of me. But I'm 17 and I'm going to turn 18 in November and Cameron is 2 years younger so it's not like he's much more experienced thank me. Bottom line: How do I tell my dad about him and convince him to let me have a boyfriend?
VictorM's advice:
First of all I commend you for not wanting to lie to your parents. That's a very good idea. Your dad means well, but at 17 it is time for you to start doing things that are normal for your age, like dating. But you can't talk to your father with normal logic. Your dad is just being a dad and his thinking is more a reflection of the kind of boy he was than of the kind of girl you are. Yes, your dad was a horny teen boy with only one thing in his mind.
So, first, I do advise you to talk to him. But you have to use warped dad logic. For example, saying you would never do this or that won't work. Your dad thinks of you as his little girl and he wants to protect you. So, tell him what he wants to hear.
Tell him you'd like to date this boy and that you'd like his help to make sure you're not taking advantage of. Do not ask him to date the boy (not asking reduces the chances he'll say no), then you move right into how your dad can help you and promise your dad you'll do what he says. Give your dad the opportunity to feel that he's in control. If your dad says you're too young, do not disagree. Rule number one of getting things your way is to first agree with your parents but then turn the conversation back into what you want. "I know dad, you're probably right that I'm too young (by agreeing with him you remove the confrontational aspect of the conversation, making your dad more receptive to your points), but I'd prefer to start dating now when you're around to help me than when I go to college and can't benefit from your experience." Always play to what your father wants to hear. For example, if your dad says he doesn't trust this boy to go to the movies alone with you, say something like: Dad, I understand your concern and I promise I'll never go to the movies with him alone (of course you can go with friends and then sit alone ;) ) but you don't have to tell him that.
Don't give your dad all that mumbo jumbo about "not all of us are impulsive little sex nymphs" and all that other goodie-two-shoes stuff. He won't believe you, and neither do I -- your dad and I both know better. You may mean it now but hormones will take over.
This boy at my school asked my out yesterday, I was really conflicted since I like him but my dad severely disapproves of my having a boyfriend, but I don't know how to talk to him about it (I told the guy yes, but don't know how it's going to work out since my parents have no clue.) I really don't want to sneak around my parents because that makes me feel really guilty and I just want to have a fun time with this guy (lets call him Cameron) and I don't want there to be this cloud of guilt hanging over my head while I'm with him. My mom is much easier to talk to but I think I'd have to lie to her and tell her that I think Cameron is GOING TO ask me out and not "he ALREADY HAS AND I SAID YES". I am really afraid of asking my dad about it because I once did have sort of a silly "boyfriend" thing a year ago but didn't tell him about it till a few weeks after I dumped him and dad was furious, he didn't want to talk to me or anything he was really disappointed, but then he calmed down and told me that he didn't want me to feel like I can't talk to him*but how can I with the way he reacted* I want to trust that he meant what he said but if he doesn't freak out then I think he will ask questions like 'how can you be thinking of boys when you have you schoolwork to concentrate on?!' and 'What do you think you will do with a boyfriend?!' and 'They have only one thing on their mind!!!!' *which I know but I'm not the kind of teengirl that makes stupid decisions like having sex and drinking, and my god doesn't he think I know that they think of sex 24/7?!?! So do females my age! But not all of us are impulsive little sex nymphs! I know where my boundaries lie and I don't let people cross them, I know what he's afraid of: Cameron taking advantage of me. But I'm 17 and I'm going to turn 18 in November and Cameron is 2 years younger so it's not like he's much more experienced thank me. Bottom line: How do I tell my dad about him and convince him to let me have a boyfriend?
VictorM's advice:
First of all I commend you for not wanting to lie to your parents. That's a very good idea. Your dad means well, but at 17 it is time for you to start doing things that are normal for your age, like dating. But you can't talk to your father with normal logic. Your dad is just being a dad and his thinking is more a reflection of the kind of boy he was than of the kind of girl you are. Yes, your dad was a horny teen boy with only one thing in his mind.
So, first, I do advise you to talk to him. But you have to use warped dad logic. For example, saying you would never do this or that won't work. Your dad thinks of you as his little girl and he wants to protect you. So, tell him what he wants to hear.
Tell him you'd like to date this boy and that you'd like his help to make sure you're not taking advantage of. Do not ask him to date the boy (not asking reduces the chances he'll say no), then you move right into how your dad can help you and promise your dad you'll do what he says. Give your dad the opportunity to feel that he's in control. If your dad says you're too young, do not disagree. Rule number one of getting things your way is to first agree with your parents but then turn the conversation back into what you want. "I know dad, you're probably right that I'm too young (by agreeing with him you remove the confrontational aspect of the conversation, making your dad more receptive to your points), but I'd prefer to start dating now when you're around to help me than when I go to college and can't benefit from your experience." Always play to what your father wants to hear. For example, if your dad says he doesn't trust this boy to go to the movies alone with you, say something like: Dad, I understand your concern and I promise I'll never go to the movies with him alone (of course you can go with friends and then sit alone ;) ) but you don't have to tell him that.
Don't give your dad all that mumbo jumbo about "not all of us are impulsive little sex nymphs" and all that other goodie-two-shoes stuff. He won't believe you, and neither do I -- your dad and I both know better. You may mean it now but hormones will take over.
The other woman
Lauren, 25, from MN asks:
I have been dating this guy for 2 years now. I guess I was the "other woman", but he fell in love with me with the same in return from me. I didn't know I was the other women at the time. We broke up because he was living with and dating someone else. We broke up. We got back together and he still lives with her only because his child. Will he ever 100% be with me? I want more. He seems to truly love me, but I am confused on what to do. I love him, but I don't want to waste any more time.
VictorM's advice:
I doubt he'll ever be with you. You said he's with the other woman "because of his child". Well, is that child going to disappear in the near future? No. Besides, that's just an excuse. He lied to you at first when you didn't know about the other woman, and he's lying to you now about his reasons for staying with her. I suspect he's lying to her about you. Basically, he's an all around liar.
I'm puzzled by your confusion. Unless you're happy being the other woman, find someone else to be in love with.
I have been dating this guy for 2 years now. I guess I was the "other woman", but he fell in love with me with the same in return from me. I didn't know I was the other women at the time. We broke up because he was living with and dating someone else. We broke up. We got back together and he still lives with her only because his child. Will he ever 100% be with me? I want more. He seems to truly love me, but I am confused on what to do. I love him, but I don't want to waste any more time.
VictorM's advice:
I doubt he'll ever be with you. You said he's with the other woman "because of his child". Well, is that child going to disappear in the near future? No. Besides, that's just an excuse. He lied to you at first when you didn't know about the other woman, and he's lying to you now about his reasons for staying with her. I suspect he's lying to her about you. Basically, he's an all around liar.
I'm puzzled by your confusion. Unless you're happy being the other woman, find someone else to be in love with.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
He didn't like me anymore
caitlin, from unknown asks:
There's this guy that I went out with. We broke up becasue he supposedly didn't like me anymore. Now, a couple months later, he's flirting with me and bringing up past memories. Now, I have a boyfriend and my ex knows about this. What does it mean when an ex brings up past memories? Does it mean he wants to get back together or does it mean nothing?
VictorM's answer:
It means he still doesn't like you and he's a jerk. He's just playing with your head because he can. Ignore the idiot and put your energies into your current boyfriend. Don't make the mistake of thinking that your ex likes you now -- he doesn't.
There's this guy that I went out with. We broke up becasue he supposedly didn't like me anymore. Now, a couple months later, he's flirting with me and bringing up past memories. Now, I have a boyfriend and my ex knows about this. What does it mean when an ex brings up past memories? Does it mean he wants to get back together or does it mean nothing?
VictorM's answer:
It means he still doesn't like you and he's a jerk. He's just playing with your head because he can. Ignore the idiot and put your energies into your current boyfriend. Don't make the mistake of thinking that your ex likes you now -- he doesn't.
Too shy
kate asks:
I really like this guy and I think he likes me back as well. But, I'm worried that we're both too shy to say anything to each other about our feelings. What should I do?
-miss helplessly in love
VictorM's advice:
You don't have to talk about your feelings yet. You should get to know him better as a friend and go from there. If you proceed on a friendly basis, your shyness should not be a problem. And once you're friendly enough, talking about your feelings will not be a problem either.
So take it one step at a time and hold off on talking about your feelings. (I know, you're a girl - that's almost like asking you to stop breathing, but try it anyway).
I really like this guy and I think he likes me back as well. But, I'm worried that we're both too shy to say anything to each other about our feelings. What should I do?
-miss helplessly in love
VictorM's advice:
You don't have to talk about your feelings yet. You should get to know him better as a friend and go from there. If you proceed on a friendly basis, your shyness should not be a problem. And once you're friendly enough, talking about your feelings will not be a problem either.
So take it one step at a time and hold off on talking about your feelings. (I know, you're a girl - that's almost like asking you to stop breathing, but try it anyway).
I asked him for coffee
Tamra, 40, from Ontario asks:
I met this man at his workplace 2 months ago, he showed so much interest in me, complimented me, gave me so much attention and affection, but he did not ask me out, which I understand because I think he is being professional .. maybe.... so I asked him out for a coffee few days ago, he said yes, but since then he did not call. We are suppose to go out this Saturday, and I am waiting for him to confirm. Meanwhile he did not call me, what do you think of a woman who asks a man out for a coffee? Did he take it in the wrong way, or he was just flirting with me? Do men like it when a woman asks them out or not?
VictorM's answer:
I couldn't get to your question earlier and by now Saturday came and went. I'm curious what happened. But I'll still answer your questions.
Yes, men like to be asked out. It's quite an ego booster for any man. But that doesn't mean he'll say yes.
Why should he have called you before Saturday? Most guys hate making small talk on the phone. Make nothing of him not calling. You made a date for a certain day and he should show up on that day. So... did he?
I met this man at his workplace 2 months ago, he showed so much interest in me, complimented me, gave me so much attention and affection, but he did not ask me out, which I understand because I think he is being professional .. maybe.... so I asked him out for a coffee few days ago, he said yes, but since then he did not call. We are suppose to go out this Saturday, and I am waiting for him to confirm. Meanwhile he did not call me, what do you think of a woman who asks a man out for a coffee? Did he take it in the wrong way, or he was just flirting with me? Do men like it when a woman asks them out or not?
VictorM's answer:
I couldn't get to your question earlier and by now Saturday came and went. I'm curious what happened. But I'll still answer your questions.
Yes, men like to be asked out. It's quite an ego booster for any man. But that doesn't mean he'll say yes.
Why should he have called you before Saturday? Most guys hate making small talk on the phone. Make nothing of him not calling. You made a date for a certain day and he should show up on that day. So... did he?
Monday, May 15, 2006
I met someone else
sarah, 16, from uk asks:
Hi, I'm really stuck at the moment. I know this guy likes me and I used to like him, but I met someone else and we like each other. These boys go to the same school, and the boy I liked at first is going to ask me to go to the prom with him, I just know he is, but I don't know whether to go with him, as the boy that I like now could go off me, but he might be moving back home but if he stays we could have a chance of being together. Basically, do you think I should go to the prom with this guy who I used to like? Because I just don't know if it'll ruin my chances with the other guy, cos the news will get back to him since he's mate with the guy's sister...thanks for your help.
VictorM's advice:
Why don't you ask the guy you like to the prom?
Anyway, going to the prom is not like getting married. You don't have to be a couple to go together. I assume you still like the first guy as a friend, so you'll probably have a nice time with him anyway. If guy number 2 enters the picture, so what if you went with the first guy? I don't think it'll matter. But in any case, if guy #2 asks anything about the prom you say guy #1 is just a friend. Simple, really.
Hi, I'm really stuck at the moment. I know this guy likes me and I used to like him, but I met someone else and we like each other. These boys go to the same school, and the boy I liked at first is going to ask me to go to the prom with him, I just know he is, but I don't know whether to go with him, as the boy that I like now could go off me, but he might be moving back home but if he stays we could have a chance of being together. Basically, do you think I should go to the prom with this guy who I used to like? Because I just don't know if it'll ruin my chances with the other guy, cos the news will get back to him since he's mate with the guy's sister...thanks for your help.
VictorM's advice:
Why don't you ask the guy you like to the prom?
Anyway, going to the prom is not like getting married. You don't have to be a couple to go together. I assume you still like the first guy as a friend, so you'll probably have a nice time with him anyway. If guy number 2 enters the picture, so what if you went with the first guy? I don't think it'll matter. But in any case, if guy #2 asks anything about the prom you say guy #1 is just a friend. Simple, really.
d29-Leigh
leigh, 28, from va asks:
You responded to my email but didn't answer me. I guess it is bothering you. Thanks anyways.
VictorM's answer:
I remember your question. I even think I answered you in the forum in addition to here. So I have no idea what your comment above refers to. But one thing I can assure you: whatever it is it's not bothering me. If you feel I didn't fully answer you before, please resubmit your question.
You responded to my email but didn't answer me. I guess it is bothering you. Thanks anyways.
VictorM's answer:
I remember your question. I even think I answered you in the forum in addition to here. So I have no idea what your comment above refers to. But one thing I can assure you: whatever it is it's not bothering me. If you feel I didn't fully answer you before, please resubmit your question.
He might stay, he might go
georgina, 17, from: u.k. asks:
Hey, there's this guy who might be leaving here and going far away in the summer but then again he might be staying. Yesterday he asked me to ring him so I did and we had a good chat, I asked him if he was to stay then he'd want a girlfriend, he said yup of course. So I said a few names of the girls we know and he said 70-100% he say no to them, but then I said me as a joke and he said 50% 50% yes no cos he ain't sure at the moment bearing in mind he knows I like him as i've said before. Later on in the convo, I told him I needed to go to my tutor's house for some lessons at like 8pm, and he got well jealous, trying to freak me out, like trying to convince me that my tutor was some 27 yr old perve, the boy was jus telling me "becareful, I don't want you to be hurt." Like anything would happen!... I said nothing's going to happen, he was like "you don't know, he's asking you to go round really late and he smiles at you and laughs and sits so close to you," I just said "he's being friendly". Do you think he likes me and why?
VictorM's answer:
The answer is stated in your question: there's a 50/50 chance he likes you, which by the way, is not very good. Almost sounds like he's just being polite.
The talk about the tutor and saying he doesn't want anything to happen to you means nothing. Heck, I don't even know you and I don't anything to happen to you. So make nothing about him being concerned for your safety.
I think that like your tutor, this boy is just being friendly (actually your tutor seems more "friendly" with you than this boy).
Hey, there's this guy who might be leaving here and going far away in the summer but then again he might be staying. Yesterday he asked me to ring him so I did and we had a good chat, I asked him if he was to stay then he'd want a girlfriend, he said yup of course. So I said a few names of the girls we know and he said 70-100% he say no to them, but then I said me as a joke and he said 50% 50% yes no cos he ain't sure at the moment bearing in mind he knows I like him as i've said before. Later on in the convo, I told him I needed to go to my tutor's house for some lessons at like 8pm, and he got well jealous, trying to freak me out, like trying to convince me that my tutor was some 27 yr old perve, the boy was jus telling me "becareful, I don't want you to be hurt." Like anything would happen!... I said nothing's going to happen, he was like "you don't know, he's asking you to go round really late and he smiles at you and laughs and sits so close to you," I just said "he's being friendly". Do you think he likes me and why?
VictorM's answer:
The answer is stated in your question: there's a 50/50 chance he likes you, which by the way, is not very good. Almost sounds like he's just being polite.
The talk about the tutor and saying he doesn't want anything to happen to you means nothing. Heck, I don't even know you and I don't anything to happen to you. So make nothing about him being concerned for your safety.
I think that like your tutor, this boy is just being friendly (actually your tutor seems more "friendly" with you than this boy).
Sunday, May 14, 2006
We don't talk as much and kinda drift away
Ali, 16, from OH asks:
Well, there's this boy I met this year in my art class. His name is a Zack.. and he's athletic, cute, funny, shy, and just perfect all together. I got the feeling he liked me earlier this year because he would look at me, tease me, walk with me to my locker, talk to me a lot, tell off guys that I didn't like around me, and he even would pay a visit to me before my track practice. I started to feel real strongly for him. After a while, word got out that I liked him because no one can keep a secret. He asked why I would like a 14 (almost 15) year old (I'm 16). Ever since that conversation, we haven't been the same. We don't talk as much and kinda drift away. It's strange... but he doesn't show 'signs' anymore. Sure, he'll still mess around and tease me sometimes, but we're more distant.. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could read his mind. Does he hate me now that he knows for sure I like him? Or is he just shy? Please help me.. I tried to give as much detail I could. I need some serious advice. I don't want to wait forever and school is almost out. I have to do something. Thanks for your time! - Ali
VictorM's answer:
He does not hate you at all. See, boys his age need to star feeling manly. They are ready to conquer the world -- starting with the opposite sex. By confessing your feelings for him, you're no longer a challenge. You were before. But he doesn't have to work for you now, so the interest changed. In addition, most 14 year old boys talk big about making out and sex but they are terrified of it. You, being the "older woman" scares him even more. So, nothing of what's he's doing is a surprise.
If you want things to change you have to stay friendly but start giving him a bit of a cold shoulder. Come across as a bit indiferent now. Show attention to other boys. If he feels he needs to work for your attention, his attitude might change. Oh, and this time, don't tell anyone what you are doing and why.
Well, there's this boy I met this year in my art class. His name is a Zack.. and he's athletic, cute, funny, shy, and just perfect all together. I got the feeling he liked me earlier this year because he would look at me, tease me, walk with me to my locker, talk to me a lot, tell off guys that I didn't like around me, and he even would pay a visit to me before my track practice. I started to feel real strongly for him. After a while, word got out that I liked him because no one can keep a secret. He asked why I would like a 14 (almost 15) year old (I'm 16). Ever since that conversation, we haven't been the same. We don't talk as much and kinda drift away. It's strange... but he doesn't show 'signs' anymore. Sure, he'll still mess around and tease me sometimes, but we're more distant.. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could read his mind. Does he hate me now that he knows for sure I like him? Or is he just shy? Please help me.. I tried to give as much detail I could. I need some serious advice. I don't want to wait forever and school is almost out. I have to do something. Thanks for your time! - Ali
VictorM's answer:
He does not hate you at all. See, boys his age need to star feeling manly. They are ready to conquer the world -- starting with the opposite sex. By confessing your feelings for him, you're no longer a challenge. You were before. But he doesn't have to work for you now, so the interest changed. In addition, most 14 year old boys talk big about making out and sex but they are terrified of it. You, being the "older woman" scares him even more. So, nothing of what's he's doing is a surprise.
If you want things to change you have to stay friendly but start giving him a bit of a cold shoulder. Come across as a bit indiferent now. Show attention to other boys. If he feels he needs to work for your attention, his attitude might change. Oh, and this time, don't tell anyone what you are doing and why.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
I am so sick of this guy
maria, 19, from london asks:
I am so sick of this guy. We are friends and he really liked me, though he never told me he made it abundently clear. Because I wouldn't do anything about it he started to get upset with me. Now I hope he has moved on because he has a girlfriend. For the first while of their relationship he still made it clear that he liked me, despite her, now he will hardly even talk to me, except when he has been drinking or whatever. He gets shitty with me now even when I don't do anything. What is going on? Because we were good friends, now he only wants to hang out when we are out drinking or when he wants my help with something. Sometimes I don't even want to talk to him anymore! It is making me angry.
VictorM's answer:
He feels rejected. He likes you but is angry with you. Why do you want a "friend" like this in your life? You think he might go back to being the good friend he was before but that's not going to happen. He'll probably get worse when you get a boyfriend. He's being a dick, ditch him.
I am so sick of this guy. We are friends and he really liked me, though he never told me he made it abundently clear. Because I wouldn't do anything about it he started to get upset with me. Now I hope he has moved on because he has a girlfriend. For the first while of their relationship he still made it clear that he liked me, despite her, now he will hardly even talk to me, except when he has been drinking or whatever. He gets shitty with me now even when I don't do anything. What is going on? Because we were good friends, now he only wants to hang out when we are out drinking or when he wants my help with something. Sometimes I don't even want to talk to him anymore! It is making me angry.
VictorM's answer:
He feels rejected. He likes you but is angry with you. Why do you want a "friend" like this in your life? You think he might go back to being the good friend he was before but that's not going to happen. He'll probably get worse when you get a boyfriend. He's being a dick, ditch him.
He doesn't want a relationship
Marianne, from Canada asks:
My ex-boyfriend and I broke-up about a year ago. We were out of touch for about 5 months and have gradually gotten back in touch. He now likes to see me once or twice a month and is pretty affectionate. I have repeatedly told him that I am not interested but every time he asks to see me I cave in. He doesn't want a relationship, but he also doesn't want me to be out of his life. Why is he acting this way? Any insight?
VictorM's answer:
I assume the sex was good and he wouldn't mind a piece of that, without the commitment.
My ex-boyfriend and I broke-up about a year ago. We were out of touch for about 5 months and have gradually gotten back in touch. He now likes to see me once or twice a month and is pretty affectionate. I have repeatedly told him that I am not interested but every time he asks to see me I cave in. He doesn't want a relationship, but he also doesn't want me to be out of his life. Why is he acting this way? Any insight?
VictorM's answer:
I assume the sex was good and he wouldn't mind a piece of that, without the commitment.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Attracting Younger Guys
kayc1974, 31, from Illinois asks:
I am a 31 female and have lately been attracting 23 year olds. I am really into a 23 year old but I just don't know what he wants! We went on one date, made out, and I haven't heard from him in over a week. He didn't ask me for my number nor did I ask him for his but he does know my work number but hasn't called for a week or so! Is he thinking things out or lost interest?
VictorM's answer:
Most guys would be very reluctant to call a girl at work, so I don't find that too strange. On the other hand, if he REALLY liked you, that shouldn't stop him. But a week is nothing anyway. He could be busy, on a trip, etc.
Most younger guys are attracted to older women. This is not uncommon at all and explains why you're getting the attention from younger guys. But that attraction is generally a fantasy sorta thing. It could be that he dated you, made out, and got the "older woman" fantasy out of his system.
So, he could be busy, he could have lost interest, but I don't think he's left thinking -- there's not much to think about, really. Face it: the odds that a 23 year old boy will get serious with someone in their 30's are remote. It happens, of course, but don't count on it. Date in your age group -- your odds of a serious relationship are much better there (unless you just want to play around).
I am a 31 female and have lately been attracting 23 year olds. I am really into a 23 year old but I just don't know what he wants! We went on one date, made out, and I haven't heard from him in over a week. He didn't ask me for my number nor did I ask him for his but he does know my work number but hasn't called for a week or so! Is he thinking things out or lost interest?
VictorM's answer:
Most guys would be very reluctant to call a girl at work, so I don't find that too strange. On the other hand, if he REALLY liked you, that shouldn't stop him. But a week is nothing anyway. He could be busy, on a trip, etc.
Most younger guys are attracted to older women. This is not uncommon at all and explains why you're getting the attention from younger guys. But that attraction is generally a fantasy sorta thing. It could be that he dated you, made out, and got the "older woman" fantasy out of his system.
So, he could be busy, he could have lost interest, but I don't think he's left thinking -- there's not much to think about, really. Face it: the odds that a 23 year old boy will get serious with someone in their 30's are remote. It happens, of course, but don't count on it. Date in your age group -- your odds of a serious relationship are much better there (unless you just want to play around).
Thursday, May 11, 2006
When I ignore him, he calls
lorraine, 21, from misssweetthang!!! asks:
How can you tell that a guy likes you? I think I like this guy and he always wants to spend time with me but he hasn't said anything. But if I don't call him he doesn't call either. When I ignore him for sometime he calls... I'm so confused.
VictorM's answer:
Well, sounds like he likes you but not enough.
How can you tell that a guy likes you? I think I like this guy and he always wants to spend time with me but he hasn't said anything. But if I don't call him he doesn't call either. When I ignore him for sometime he calls... I'm so confused.
VictorM's answer:
Well, sounds like he likes you but not enough.
English Major?
emma, 19, from somerset asks:
i split up wit my ex in january but we carried on seeing eachotha as we were getting on ok so we just carried on as we were!! but recently i started to fink where is this goin as previously i ad asked him where we were goin and he said he really didnt want a to have another relationship again as i was his first proper gf as he ad neva really settled dwn wit anyone before!! and e said if i wanted to get wit someone else it would fine yet we just went on holiday and some bloke started chattin me up and fought ok theres no harm in talkin to him yet my ex was constantly doggin him up and then came over and started talkin to the chap which scared him a bit so we went over to the bar and just ad a chat but my ex didnt c me go off so he started to go off on one and made one of my friends show him where i was just so could check i was ok and he wasnt trying anythin on with me!! he then decided he would get me back and flirt wit otha girls and wind me up i just cant understand where he is coming from does he want to get back with me or is he just using me for one thing and doesnt want me to move on as the longer this goes on the longer it messes up my head!!
VictorM's answer:
Since messing up your head probably wouldn't be much of a challenge I can only assume he's using you to do his English homework.
i split up wit my ex in january but we carried on seeing eachotha as we were getting on ok so we just carried on as we were!! but recently i started to fink where is this goin as previously i ad asked him where we were goin and he said he really didnt want a to have another relationship again as i was his first proper gf as he ad neva really settled dwn wit anyone before!! and e said if i wanted to get wit someone else it would fine yet we just went on holiday and some bloke started chattin me up and fought ok theres no harm in talkin to him yet my ex was constantly doggin him up and then came over and started talkin to the chap which scared him a bit so we went over to the bar and just ad a chat but my ex didnt c me go off so he started to go off on one and made one of my friends show him where i was just so could check i was ok and he wasnt trying anythin on with me!! he then decided he would get me back and flirt wit otha girls and wind me up i just cant understand where he is coming from does he want to get back with me or is he just using me for one thing and doesnt want me to move on as the longer this goes on the longer it messes up my head!!
VictorM's answer:
Since messing up your head probably wouldn't be much of a challenge I can only assume he's using you to do his English homework.
I met this guy at Starbucks
Rose, 22, from LA asks:
Hi, I met this guy at Starbucks, who is the boss. So since I had a bad day (worse than the first time), he offered me a free coffee. Then we started talking when he was off. Then I went back three times over there over this week, sitting over there for hours, pretending to study. So whenever there was no customer and he was on a break, he would come see me, chat, joking around, asking me if I didn't want another drink or a pizza ( which i think were free). So I don't know if he gets free stuff for other customers or friends, or is it because of me. Sometimes, one of his co-worker would smile at him, whenever he was next to me. Sometimes, he would call me sunshine, and tell me to smile, because I was kinda depressed. He even told me he would study for me, if I worked for him. Even though we officially met 5 days ago, does it mean that he was flirting with me, and might be interested? Or am I making this up? I usually can never read the signals..so I would truly appreciate if you could me, I am so confused right now....Thank you so much.
VictorM's advice:
Guys will flirt with attractive girls at work, on their day off, in church, on their wedding day... you name it. I bet he does that with lots of pretty girls. Also, in places like Starbucks he can get away with things like that because customers don't feel threatened. Besides, his language -- calling you "sunshine" -- sounds to me like the canned flirting type, not the "I really like this girl" type.
But hey, I could be wrong. I say drink the coffee and eat the pizza (hopefully for free) but don't get your hopes too high.
Hi, I met this guy at Starbucks, who is the boss. So since I had a bad day (worse than the first time), he offered me a free coffee. Then we started talking when he was off. Then I went back three times over there over this week, sitting over there for hours, pretending to study. So whenever there was no customer and he was on a break, he would come see me, chat, joking around, asking me if I didn't want another drink or a pizza ( which i think were free). So I don't know if he gets free stuff for other customers or friends, or is it because of me. Sometimes, one of his co-worker would smile at him, whenever he was next to me. Sometimes, he would call me sunshine, and tell me to smile, because I was kinda depressed. He even told me he would study for me, if I worked for him. Even though we officially met 5 days ago, does it mean that he was flirting with me, and might be interested? Or am I making this up? I usually can never read the signals..so I would truly appreciate if you could me, I am so confused right now....Thank you so much.
VictorM's advice:
Guys will flirt with attractive girls at work, on their day off, in church, on their wedding day... you name it. I bet he does that with lots of pretty girls. Also, in places like Starbucks he can get away with things like that because customers don't feel threatened. Besides, his language -- calling you "sunshine" -- sounds to me like the canned flirting type, not the "I really like this girl" type.
But hey, I could be wrong. I say drink the coffee and eat the pizza (hopefully for free) but don't get your hopes too high.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
We do everthing with each other
Alana, 14, from new york asks:
I see this guy every day. We talk together and do everything with each other but I like him but I don't know if he likes me.
VictorM's advice:
Of course he likes you. No teen boy in his right mind would "do everything with each other" unless he really liked you. But don't rush him. Just enjoy his company for now.
I see this guy every day. We talk together and do everything with each other but I like him but I don't know if he likes me.
VictorM's advice:
Of course he likes you. No teen boy in his right mind would "do everything with each other" unless he really liked you. But don't rush him. Just enjoy his company for now.
Two steps forward
anonymous, 24, from West Palm Beach asks:
I have been friends with this guy for about 7 months now... but we started hooking up from the first week we met each other, so there has always been a hint of "more than friends." He lives 2 hours away, so whenever I go visit or he comes, we end up staying for a couple of days at a time. Our schedules allow us to see each other 3/7 days of the week. Every time we see each other, we start off very friendly and, as the visit wares on, we get more romantic, holding hands, etc... But the next time we see each other, its like we start all over again as friends! I want to be his girlfriend, but I feel like we are taking 2 steps forward and one step back. How long do I wait for him to ask me already?
VictorM's advice:
This sounds like a Groundhog Day type of situation.
And exactly why would he ask you? He's getting everything he wants now. Most guys would give anything for an arrangement just like this one. Friendly, flirty, romantic, and "more than friends", whatever that means. Then he gets to go away, free to play around at home knowing that when he sees you again, Sonny and Cher start singing again (you have to know the movie Groundhog Day to know what I mean).
If he's really interested in you, he'll ask the moment he doesn't get all that he wants, if you know what I mean.
I have been friends with this guy for about 7 months now... but we started hooking up from the first week we met each other, so there has always been a hint of "more than friends." He lives 2 hours away, so whenever I go visit or he comes, we end up staying for a couple of days at a time. Our schedules allow us to see each other 3/7 days of the week. Every time we see each other, we start off very friendly and, as the visit wares on, we get more romantic, holding hands, etc... But the next time we see each other, its like we start all over again as friends! I want to be his girlfriend, but I feel like we are taking 2 steps forward and one step back. How long do I wait for him to ask me already?
VictorM's advice:
This sounds like a Groundhog Day type of situation.
And exactly why would he ask you? He's getting everything he wants now. Most guys would give anything for an arrangement just like this one. Friendly, flirty, romantic, and "more than friends", whatever that means. Then he gets to go away, free to play around at home knowing that when he sees you again, Sonny and Cher start singing again (you have to know the movie Groundhog Day to know what I mean).
If he's really interested in you, he'll ask the moment he doesn't get all that he wants, if you know what I mean.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Problems with Visitor Comments?
I have Blogger setup to send me an email for every visitor comment made. I have gotten a few emails recently with comments yet when I come to this page, there are no comments. One person also said that they are a member of Blogger but the option to post with their user name does not work.
If you're one of the people who made posts and they don't show up, or made posts expecting an answer from me and didn't get it, could you please use the Submit Form and let me know? Please explain what the problem is so I can get to the bottom of it.
Thanks
If you're one of the people who made posts and they don't show up, or made posts expecting an answer from me and didn't get it, could you please use the Submit Form and let me know? Please explain what the problem is so I can get to the bottom of it.
Thanks
A break from the relationship
Minky Molefe, 26, from South Africa asks:
My boyfriend of 3.5 years and father of my child has recently moved out of our house saying that he needs a complete break from our relationship. Meaning that we won't date just that he needs time out. The fights kept getting worse and he feels that I don't respect him enough. He feels that I have become aggressive. He is correct in saying that because he tried to change me into someone I wasn't. When we met I was very independent and that is what he fell in love with. That changed when we moved in together. It changed because he demanded that I stay more at home with our baby and asked me to get rid of some friends which he felt would be a bad influence in our relationship. I did as he requested even though it wasn't an out right request for the good of the relationship and to try and avoid issues. Life for him pretty much stayed the same. The baby really became my responsibility alone and he carried on partying and never really took an active role in raising our child. This angered me. We have discussed this before and he is fine for a while then slips right back to himself in 2 months. Today he feels that he doesn't recognise me anymore and wishes that I was more independent. This is just one example of many other things. He sends me mixed messages that I don't know how to read. During our break he told me that I mustn't expect any phone calls from him. He only picks me up for work and drops me off back home after work till I've got my own car. He still calls me twice a week or so and calls me baby and kisses me. I find this very confusing and don't know what to do. I've asked him if we should just break up but he has said that that was not what he wanted. He feels that by living apart we can each work more on our communication with each other and determine whether this is the relationship for the both of us. I feel he is running away from his responsibilities and doesn't want to grow up. I know that I have to make my own decisions but find it very difficult to do so. I'm trying to give him his space. I'm not saying that I haven't made my fair share of mistakes, I know I have. The difference is that I'm willing to work on them realistically. That means both of us compromising and not only me compromising all the time. Please can I get some advice on this. As it stands he's all grumpy and snaps at me when he talks to me like I've done something wrong. I'm just scared that he is trying to have the best of both worlds and instead of handling our issues appropriately he is using them to his advantage. I feel like he is keeping me there just in case things don't work out and if they don't he knows I'll take him back. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
I totally agree with your assessment that he's "trying to have the best of both worlds". And what's more, you're being the enabler, practically handing him both worlds in a silver platter. You know exactly what you need to do, you just lack the courage to do it. And I can understand it.
Stop trying to give him space -- that's not going to help in the least. Astronauts needs space, not this guy. You don't work on communications by being apart; you work on communications by communicating.
With a baby and the need for a car, you're somewhat tied down. But if these issues can be worked out, you have to put your foot down. Tell him the experiment is over; either he comes home and acts like a man, or you're moving on.
My boyfriend of 3.5 years and father of my child has recently moved out of our house saying that he needs a complete break from our relationship. Meaning that we won't date just that he needs time out. The fights kept getting worse and he feels that I don't respect him enough. He feels that I have become aggressive. He is correct in saying that because he tried to change me into someone I wasn't. When we met I was very independent and that is what he fell in love with. That changed when we moved in together. It changed because he demanded that I stay more at home with our baby and asked me to get rid of some friends which he felt would be a bad influence in our relationship. I did as he requested even though it wasn't an out right request for the good of the relationship and to try and avoid issues. Life for him pretty much stayed the same. The baby really became my responsibility alone and he carried on partying and never really took an active role in raising our child. This angered me. We have discussed this before and he is fine for a while then slips right back to himself in 2 months. Today he feels that he doesn't recognise me anymore and wishes that I was more independent. This is just one example of many other things. He sends me mixed messages that I don't know how to read. During our break he told me that I mustn't expect any phone calls from him. He only picks me up for work and drops me off back home after work till I've got my own car. He still calls me twice a week or so and calls me baby and kisses me. I find this very confusing and don't know what to do. I've asked him if we should just break up but he has said that that was not what he wanted. He feels that by living apart we can each work more on our communication with each other and determine whether this is the relationship for the both of us. I feel he is running away from his responsibilities and doesn't want to grow up. I know that I have to make my own decisions but find it very difficult to do so. I'm trying to give him his space. I'm not saying that I haven't made my fair share of mistakes, I know I have. The difference is that I'm willing to work on them realistically. That means both of us compromising and not only me compromising all the time. Please can I get some advice on this. As it stands he's all grumpy and snaps at me when he talks to me like I've done something wrong. I'm just scared that he is trying to have the best of both worlds and instead of handling our issues appropriately he is using them to his advantage. I feel like he is keeping me there just in case things don't work out and if they don't he knows I'll take him back. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
I totally agree with your assessment that he's "trying to have the best of both worlds". And what's more, you're being the enabler, practically handing him both worlds in a silver platter. You know exactly what you need to do, you just lack the courage to do it. And I can understand it.
Stop trying to give him space -- that's not going to help in the least. Astronauts needs space, not this guy. You don't work on communications by being apart; you work on communications by communicating.
With a baby and the need for a car, you're somewhat tied down. But if these issues can be worked out, you have to put your foot down. Tell him the experiment is over; either he comes home and acts like a man, or you're moving on.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Does my ex want me back?
kathryn, 21, from: victoria asks:
I had been going out with my ex for 2 years and lived with him for 1 year when he just all of a sudden told my he didn't think he loved me any more. After failing to get him back I moved away. He still rings and messages me and gets cut if I mention another guy's name. I still love him but want to know should I forget him and move on or do you think he wants me back?
VictorM's answer:
I don't know if he wants you back, but probably not. To say he doesn't love you after a few years I'd imagine he was pretty sure about it.
He might miss things about you, he might still care for you, and so he calls to find out how you're doing. He doesn't want you and doesn't want anyone else to get you. That's rather controlling of him, isn't it? You're thinking he does that because he still loves, but it doesn't have to be so. Some guys are just very territorial and possessive.
If he had no problem telling you he doesn't love you anymore, he would have no problem saying he wants you back. So, I think it's safe to say he's not interested. Move on.
I had been going out with my ex for 2 years and lived with him for 1 year when he just all of a sudden told my he didn't think he loved me any more. After failing to get him back I moved away. He still rings and messages me and gets cut if I mention another guy's name. I still love him but want to know should I forget him and move on or do you think he wants me back?
VictorM's answer:
I don't know if he wants you back, but probably not. To say he doesn't love you after a few years I'd imagine he was pretty sure about it.
He might miss things about you, he might still care for you, and so he calls to find out how you're doing. He doesn't want you and doesn't want anyone else to get you. That's rather controlling of him, isn't it? You're thinking he does that because he still loves, but it doesn't have to be so. Some guys are just very territorial and possessive.
If he had no problem telling you he doesn't love you anymore, he would have no problem saying he wants you back. So, I think it's safe to say he's not interested. Move on.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Should I call him?
charlotte, 16, from bradford asks:
I've been texting this guy for just over a month now and we met up once and it all went a bit wrong because I was slightly drunk! I thought he wouldn't be interested anymore because of this but he was and we carried on texting but then he ran out of credit so we didn't text for about a week and then he got credit and texted me but he hasn't texted me in 2 days and I texted him but he didn't text back! Why isn't he texting me back?! Should I call him and ask?
VictorM's advice:
Sure, call him and ask. But don't expect him to be truthful.
I can't imagine why he wouldn't be totally into you. There's nothing sexier than a drunk girl. If you stumble and fall that's even better. And did you vomit? Cause guys think that's the coolest thing, when a girl hurls all over the place.
Yeah, I'm being sarcastic.
I've been texting this guy for just over a month now and we met up once and it all went a bit wrong because I was slightly drunk! I thought he wouldn't be interested anymore because of this but he was and we carried on texting but then he ran out of credit so we didn't text for about a week and then he got credit and texted me but he hasn't texted me in 2 days and I texted him but he didn't text back! Why isn't he texting me back?! Should I call him and ask?
VictorM's advice:
Sure, call him and ask. But don't expect him to be truthful.
I can't imagine why he wouldn't be totally into you. There's nothing sexier than a drunk girl. If you stumble and fall that's even better. And did you vomit? Cause guys think that's the coolest thing, when a girl hurls all over the place.
Yeah, I'm being sarcastic.
We have started experiencing problems
Tracy R, 21, from: South Africa asks:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now and we have started experiencing problems, the reason for this is because of my past relationships. When we got together his friends did not approve because they thought I was a slut and I dated boys with cars only but he said he did not care cause that is not what he saw in me and besides even if I was a slut he thought everyone deserves a second chance. Recently he asked what really happened with my past so I told him I have been with about 8 boyfriends before him and 3 of them had cars, and I admitted to him that I was a bit confused & sometimes I would cheat in the past but now since I have been with him I left everything behind. He couldn't believe it, said I was disgusting and to think that his friends were right is even worse. He even suggested that we separate because our relationship was based on a lie but I managed to convince him otherwise. But now we are constantly fighting. That should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You can't undo your past. All you can do is learn from it and not repeat past mistakes.
But I can understand how he feels. Guys are much less forgiving about their partner's past than girls. And in a macho society like South Africa I assume that's even more so.
I think you'll have a very difficult time ahead. He needs more time to get over the news and you need to constantly reinforce your changed behavior by actions, not words. All you can do now is be a faithful partner and hope he can deal with your past, in time.
But even if you two try hard it's going to be very difficult. Do not expect this to go away any time soon.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now and we have started experiencing problems, the reason for this is because of my past relationships. When we got together his friends did not approve because they thought I was a slut and I dated boys with cars only but he said he did not care cause that is not what he saw in me and besides even if I was a slut he thought everyone deserves a second chance. Recently he asked what really happened with my past so I told him I have been with about 8 boyfriends before him and 3 of them had cars, and I admitted to him that I was a bit confused & sometimes I would cheat in the past but now since I have been with him I left everything behind. He couldn't believe it, said I was disgusting and to think that his friends were right is even worse. He even suggested that we separate because our relationship was based on a lie but I managed to convince him otherwise. But now we are constantly fighting. That should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You can't undo your past. All you can do is learn from it and not repeat past mistakes.
But I can understand how he feels. Guys are much less forgiving about their partner's past than girls. And in a macho society like South Africa I assume that's even more so.
I think you'll have a very difficult time ahead. He needs more time to get over the news and you need to constantly reinforce your changed behavior by actions, not words. All you can do now is be a faithful partner and hope he can deal with your past, in time.
But even if you two try hard it's going to be very difficult. Do not expect this to go away any time soon.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
The last 2 years have been horrible
shirley, 48, from essex asks:
Been with boyfriend years but the last 2 years have been horrible. We ran a pub, he says I don't help, but I do. It doesn't help that his ex wife keeps coming in.
VictorM's advice:
You should take one day and not help at all. Then you can show him what not helping means. But really, there's no point in doing that. If you two are bickering, he'll say whatever it takes to get you angry or hurt your feelings. If it's not the help it would be something else. Pay that no mind.
I'm sure the ex being around isn't helping, but there's something else going on. You don't give me enough information, but something else is going on between you two. Maybe you need a vacation, time off from each other. Pub work is hard work.
Maybe you need to spice things up... wear new clothes, put makeup on, try a new perfume, shave your legs, I don't know, but you have to change somethings if you want to achieve different results.
Been with boyfriend years but the last 2 years have been horrible. We ran a pub, he says I don't help, but I do. It doesn't help that his ex wife keeps coming in.
VictorM's advice:
You should take one day and not help at all. Then you can show him what not helping means. But really, there's no point in doing that. If you two are bickering, he'll say whatever it takes to get you angry or hurt your feelings. If it's not the help it would be something else. Pay that no mind.
I'm sure the ex being around isn't helping, but there's something else going on. You don't give me enough information, but something else is going on between you two. Maybe you need a vacation, time off from each other. Pub work is hard work.
Maybe you need to spice things up... wear new clothes, put makeup on, try a new perfume, shave your legs, I don't know, but you have to change somethings if you want to achieve different results.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Unpredictable guy
katie, 15, from QLD asks:
How can you really tell if a guy likes you? I find it really confusing because I like this really unpredictable guy who is a bit of a player. He said he was interested in me at the beginning of the year but when I don't show interest he starts being mean to me. He flirts with other girls in front of me and I really don't know what's going on.. tell me what you think?
VictorM's answer:
Flirting with other girls and being mean to you are his ways of getting your attention. So, when you show no interest in him, even negative attention is better than none. So, yeah, it appears that he likes you. There's nothing unpredictable about his behavior.
How can you really tell if a guy likes you? I find it really confusing because I like this really unpredictable guy who is a bit of a player. He said he was interested in me at the beginning of the year but when I don't show interest he starts being mean to me. He flirts with other girls in front of me and I really don't know what's going on.. tell me what you think?
VictorM's answer:
Flirting with other girls and being mean to you are his ways of getting your attention. So, when you show no interest in him, even negative attention is better than none. So, yeah, it appears that he likes you. There's nothing unpredictable about his behavior.
He just wants to be friends
Liz, 33, from OK asks:
I really like this guy and we went out once. He actually asked me out. Now he just wants to be friends because he had a complicated relationship before. I don't want a serious relationship, just to be with him. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Am I missing something? He just wants to be friends and you don't want a serious relationship. Sounds like you're made for each other. Or maybe not. I suspect his "just wants to be friends" means you did nothing for him and he won't be spending that much time with you. And your "I don't want a serious relationship" really means "I want a serious relationship" but would settle for anything.
So, what do you do? You should admit that you want a serious relationship (of course you do, at 33 why would you not?) and accept that it won't be happening with this guy.
I really like this guy and we went out once. He actually asked me out. Now he just wants to be friends because he had a complicated relationship before. I don't want a serious relationship, just to be with him. What do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Am I missing something? He just wants to be friends and you don't want a serious relationship. Sounds like you're made for each other. Or maybe not. I suspect his "just wants to be friends" means you did nothing for him and he won't be spending that much time with you. And your "I don't want a serious relationship" really means "I want a serious relationship" but would settle for anything.
So, what do you do? You should admit that you want a serious relationship (of course you do, at 33 why would you not?) and accept that it won't be happening with this guy.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Hope for us
Becky, 16, from Wisconsin asks:
I broke up with John a little over a year ago because I was scared of the fact that he was due to go into the Marines. Soon after, I started dating Ben and John began to date Ashley. They've been together for nearly a year and although I respect him and his relationship, I can't help but hope that there is still hope for Us. A few months ago when we began talking again he told me he was in love with two girls and that he still cared about me, but he was dating her and didn't want to do the same thing to her as I did to him. We talk at parties and online, but Ashley is a jealous person and has hated me since day 1 simply because I'm the "ex" and I can't have an in-depth conversation with him without her throwing a fit. What do you think I should do?
VictorM's advice:
What happened to you and Ben? If he's out of the picture, OK, but if not, why not? You clearly have no intention of staying with him.
If you broke up with John because he was going to the Marines, is he no longer going? Either way, by your behavior then and now, you seem too immature to handle love.
My advice is for you to stay away from John and Ashley. Frankly, you ARE the evil ex and she has every right to be jealous, after all, you want him back, don't you? She's no dummy.
Maybe as you mature, he'll outgrow her and you two can hook up again. But you aren't going to score points with him in the long run by meddling now. Maybe he prefers you over her, but you have shown too much immaturity for him to trust you. So start showing him a better side of yourself; find someone else to have in-depth conversations and online chats with until and unless he breaks up with her.
I broke up with John a little over a year ago because I was scared of the fact that he was due to go into the Marines. Soon after, I started dating Ben and John began to date Ashley. They've been together for nearly a year and although I respect him and his relationship, I can't help but hope that there is still hope for Us. A few months ago when we began talking again he told me he was in love with two girls and that he still cared about me, but he was dating her and didn't want to do the same thing to her as I did to him. We talk at parties and online, but Ashley is a jealous person and has hated me since day 1 simply because I'm the "ex" and I can't have an in-depth conversation with him without her throwing a fit. What do you think I should do?
VictorM's advice:
What happened to you and Ben? If he's out of the picture, OK, but if not, why not? You clearly have no intention of staying with him.
If you broke up with John because he was going to the Marines, is he no longer going? Either way, by your behavior then and now, you seem too immature to handle love.
My advice is for you to stay away from John and Ashley. Frankly, you ARE the evil ex and she has every right to be jealous, after all, you want him back, don't you? She's no dummy.
Maybe as you mature, he'll outgrow her and you two can hook up again. But you aren't going to score points with him in the long run by meddling now. Maybe he prefers you over her, but you have shown too much immaturity for him to trust you. So start showing him a better side of yourself; find someone else to have in-depth conversations and online chats with until and unless he breaks up with her.
Attracted to co-worker
DeeDee, 36, from North Carolina asks:
How can you tell a co-worker is attracted to you?
VictorM's answer:
The same way you tell that anyone else is attracted to you -- by behavior change. Does he act differently with you than with others? Is he talkative when you're not around and quiets down when arrive? Or vice versa? If his behavior changes when you enter the picture, there's a good chance he likes you.
But that only tells you so much. It doesn't tell you if he likes others too, or if he likes you but is not willing to date you.
Work is a very tricky place for stuff like this. If you two work in the same location, that can be very tough. But either way, if you can, get him away from the work place. Then you may get a better picture of his intentions.
How can you tell a co-worker is attracted to you?
VictorM's answer:
The same way you tell that anyone else is attracted to you -- by behavior change. Does he act differently with you than with others? Is he talkative when you're not around and quiets down when arrive? Or vice versa? If his behavior changes when you enter the picture, there's a good chance he likes you.
But that only tells you so much. It doesn't tell you if he likes others too, or if he likes you but is not willing to date you.
Work is a very tricky place for stuff like this. If you two work in the same location, that can be very tough. But either way, if you can, get him away from the work place. Then you may get a better picture of his intentions.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
He refuses to give his address
Kathy, 35, from Savannah asks:
I just got reacquainted with a childhood/high school friend that lives in another state. I know his family and he knows mine. He is planning to come visit me next month. We both are not married and not dating anyone. We believe that we may have something special and are willing to explore it. We talk several times a day, everyday. His birthday is in a few days and I wanted to mail a card. I called and asked for his address and he refused to give it to me and did not want to explain why. He insists that he is not living with or seeing anyone. I am baffled. Can you shed some light on this for me.
VictorM's answer:
No, I can't shed light on this. I'm baffled too. I mean, I can understand wanting to be cautious, but you're not a stranger. Frankly, I don't know what to make of it. I find this behavior odd. He knows you from childhood, you know each other's families, you talk often, you're planning to visit each other, so why not give you his address? It's not like you're asking for his bank account. Is this level of privacy just good safety, lack of reasonable trust, or is he hiding something? I wish I knew, but I don't.
I don't want to prejudge this guy, but I would advise you to be cautious. This sounds fishy and I can't imagine a good reason for him doing this, especially refusing to give you a reason.
I just got reacquainted with a childhood/high school friend that lives in another state. I know his family and he knows mine. He is planning to come visit me next month. We both are not married and not dating anyone. We believe that we may have something special and are willing to explore it. We talk several times a day, everyday. His birthday is in a few days and I wanted to mail a card. I called and asked for his address and he refused to give it to me and did not want to explain why. He insists that he is not living with or seeing anyone. I am baffled. Can you shed some light on this for me.
VictorM's answer:
No, I can't shed light on this. I'm baffled too. I mean, I can understand wanting to be cautious, but you're not a stranger. Frankly, I don't know what to make of it. I find this behavior odd. He knows you from childhood, you know each other's families, you talk often, you're planning to visit each other, so why not give you his address? It's not like you're asking for his bank account. Is this level of privacy just good safety, lack of reasonable trust, or is he hiding something? I wish I knew, but I don't.
I don't want to prejudge this guy, but I would advise you to be cautious. This sounds fishy and I can't imagine a good reason for him doing this, especially refusing to give you a reason.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Crush on the manager
LILLY, 30, from GA asks:
I go to a sandwich shop a lot to get lunch for everyone at work and I have gotten to know the manager and the owner. I have a crush on the manager. He carries my order out and we talk. There seems to be some chemistry there but he won't ask me out. He also seems to be a little shy because he doesn't carry on conversations with any other customers like he does with me. I thought that maybe since I was a customer he might think it a little ackward or maybe there is some kind of policy. Should I go for it and ask him out and what should I say? I don't date too much.
VictorM's advice:
Flirting with customers could easily get him fired. Assuming he's interested in you, you have to get him away from the shop.
Find out what he's interested in that you two can do together, like sports or movies. For example, if he likes movies, you may mention that you'd love to see United 93 but feel it may be too draining to see it alone. He might bite and say he'll go with you. If you're not afraid of rejection, you could straight out ask him to go with you. Either way, unless you see him away from the shop you'll never know how he really feels.
I go to a sandwich shop a lot to get lunch for everyone at work and I have gotten to know the manager and the owner. I have a crush on the manager. He carries my order out and we talk. There seems to be some chemistry there but he won't ask me out. He also seems to be a little shy because he doesn't carry on conversations with any other customers like he does with me. I thought that maybe since I was a customer he might think it a little ackward or maybe there is some kind of policy. Should I go for it and ask him out and what should I say? I don't date too much.
VictorM's advice:
Flirting with customers could easily get him fired. Assuming he's interested in you, you have to get him away from the shop.
Find out what he's interested in that you two can do together, like sports or movies. For example, if he likes movies, you may mention that you'd love to see United 93 but feel it may be too draining to see it alone. He might bite and say he'll go with you. If you're not afraid of rejection, you could straight out ask him to go with you. Either way, unless you see him away from the shop you'll never know how he really feels.
We even shared a cigarette
janice, 23, asks:
I went to a party recently and was flirting/chatting to this guy most of the night, we even shared a cigarette!! Haven't really spoken to him since but he always says hi when he sees me, and his housemates have been asking me questions about my love life recently. Is there a chance he could like me? Or are we just friends?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know, I thought only people who don't like each other would share a cigarette. :-p (OK, I'll get off my anti-smoking soap box).
Of course there is a chance he likes you... and an equal chance he doesn't. At a party, with a few drinks, anyone is game to flirt with and share a cigarette. I wouldn't make much of the flirting. His housemates asking about your love life means little; maybe they are the ones who like you? Or maybe they made a bet to see who can get you first? I'm not saying any of these things is the case, but they could be, so you can't draw any conclusions from them.
Here's a novel idea: ask the guy out yourself. Talk to him, look him in the eyes, peer into his heart. Then you have a better chance of knowing. Trying to read too many signs is a waste of time.
And you better hurry because, you know, smokers... ah, never mind.
I went to a party recently and was flirting/chatting to this guy most of the night, we even shared a cigarette!! Haven't really spoken to him since but he always says hi when he sees me, and his housemates have been asking me questions about my love life recently. Is there a chance he could like me? Or are we just friends?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know, I thought only people who don't like each other would share a cigarette. :-p (OK, I'll get off my anti-smoking soap box).
Of course there is a chance he likes you... and an equal chance he doesn't. At a party, with a few drinks, anyone is game to flirt with and share a cigarette. I wouldn't make much of the flirting. His housemates asking about your love life means little; maybe they are the ones who like you? Or maybe they made a bet to see who can get you first? I'm not saying any of these things is the case, but they could be, so you can't draw any conclusions from them.
Here's a novel idea: ask the guy out yourself. Talk to him, look him in the eyes, peer into his heart. Then you have a better chance of knowing. Trying to read too many signs is a waste of time.
And you better hurry because, you know, smokers... ah, never mind.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Scared of Rejection
Bobbi, 23, from Kentucky asks:
I am in love with my best friend and I don't know how he feels about me. I want to tell him that I am falling in love with him but I am scared. I am scared of rejection. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I can't blame you for the fear of rejection; it sucks to be rejected. I say do things to provoke him being the one to make the move.
Start dressing more provocatively around him. Wear make-up and perfume. Make plans to spend time alone with him. Invite him out dancing. Compliment him on his looks, his clothes, his sense of humor. If he mentions other girls ask him to "stop because it makes me jealous" and add a wink and a smile at the end of the sentence. Do anything that starts removing the "friends only" label that exists between you two.
If after a while he still doesn't get it, he's either a moron or not interested in you the same way you are in him.
I am in love with my best friend and I don't know how he feels about me. I want to tell him that I am falling in love with him but I am scared. I am scared of rejection. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I can't blame you for the fear of rejection; it sucks to be rejected. I say do things to provoke him being the one to make the move.
Start dressing more provocatively around him. Wear make-up and perfume. Make plans to spend time alone with him. Invite him out dancing. Compliment him on his looks, his clothes, his sense of humor. If he mentions other girls ask him to "stop because it makes me jealous" and add a wink and a smile at the end of the sentence. Do anything that starts removing the "friends only" label that exists between you two.
If after a while he still doesn't get it, he's either a moron or not interested in you the same way you are in him.
Good head on my shoulders
Dana, 26, from Harrisburg, PA asks:
So I met this guy who is really hot and when we started talking he said he really liked my personality and really thinks I have a good head on my shoulders. He and I are both divorced he has 2 children I have none but had a step-child when I was married. He says that he is ready to get into a relationship and has told me things like he wears his heart on his sleeve and wonders if he can really find a girl who really understands him. His job is demanding because he is a cop for the federal goverment, however he said his kids come first then his utter happiness. Now I know he worked this weekend and the last time I spoke with him was Wed. the 19 of April. He asked if he could call me on Thursday and I said of course you can you don't have to ask. I haven't heard from him since. We fooled around but never slept together. So is this guy for real or did I get played? Ok so I was brave and just called him - didn't call all weekend he answered and said he was very busy and I said OK I'll let you call when your not busy. He said OK and thanks for understanding. So now I'm confused HELP!!!
VictorM's advice:
Oh please... "he wears his heart on his sleeve"... please, do yourself a favor: whatever people say about themselves is more a reflection of what they either think is the way they should be or what they think YOU want to hear; it has nothing to do what they really are like.
To be brutally honest, the statement "a good head on my shoulders" is code for "you're nice but stay away from me". Guys interested in romance seldom use that line as a way to get a woman's attention. But you weren't played. When people are single they try others on for size. That's what he did with you. For whatever reason, he realized you're not "it" for him. And in true guy fashion, he will not tell you directly, he will make up excuses to avoid hurting your feelings directly. So, yes, I believe he's very busy... for you! And he will remain busy.
My advice: look elsewhere. There's no gold in them here mountains.
So I met this guy who is really hot and when we started talking he said he really liked my personality and really thinks I have a good head on my shoulders. He and I are both divorced he has 2 children I have none but had a step-child when I was married. He says that he is ready to get into a relationship and has told me things like he wears his heart on his sleeve and wonders if he can really find a girl who really understands him. His job is demanding because he is a cop for the federal goverment, however he said his kids come first then his utter happiness. Now I know he worked this weekend and the last time I spoke with him was Wed. the 19 of April. He asked if he could call me on Thursday and I said of course you can you don't have to ask. I haven't heard from him since. We fooled around but never slept together. So is this guy for real or did I get played? Ok so I was brave and just called him - didn't call all weekend he answered and said he was very busy and I said OK I'll let you call when your not busy. He said OK and thanks for understanding. So now I'm confused HELP!!!
VictorM's advice:
Oh please... "he wears his heart on his sleeve"... please, do yourself a favor: whatever people say about themselves is more a reflection of what they either think is the way they should be or what they think YOU want to hear; it has nothing to do what they really are like.
To be brutally honest, the statement "a good head on my shoulders" is code for "you're nice but stay away from me". Guys interested in romance seldom use that line as a way to get a woman's attention. But you weren't played. When people are single they try others on for size. That's what he did with you. For whatever reason, he realized you're not "it" for him. And in true guy fashion, he will not tell you directly, he will make up excuses to avoid hurting your feelings directly. So, yes, I believe he's very busy... for you! And he will remain busy.
My advice: look elsewhere. There's no gold in them here mountains.
