Deb, 44, from Los Angeles asks:

Would a guy tell you he loves you if he didn't mean it?

VictorM says:

Deb, I love you.

Does that answer your question?

Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Maria, 33, from Atlanta asks:

I was with my boyfriend for 12 years and cheated on him with a guy from work I had strong feelings for. Turned out the feeling was very mutual. We had a whirlwind affair, then his girlfriend of 5 years found out. I confessed to my boyfriend and then I moved out of my house but the guy from work still lived wit his ex for financial reasons. We dated for about 3 months and he said many things about loving me and wanting to be with me and us getting a place together. I was not ready to rush into that, which upset him, but I let him know how strong my feelings were, regardless. Then he got distant, said he was confused and then I felt things weren't really over with his ex. I dumped every memento of our time together with a pretty explanatory note about how I still felt but did not know what to do on his car, pretty much saying goodbye. Now I feel horrible for not giving him the chance to speak, though I'd asked him to clarify what was going on and he was silent. I really tried to get it out of him, giving him opportunity to say he'd rather be with her. Anyhow I feel broken hearted still. Was it all for nothing? Should I call him? Or was I right for feeling foolish and just let it go. A lot was sacrificed and I know many of his feelings for me were genuine. Sorry if this is too long...

VictorM's advice:

I don't think he's the one that needs to do the talking; you are the one that has plenty to explain. Mainly, why after a "whirlwind affair", moving out of your house, dating for 3 months, you then felt you weren't ready for him? Then you dumped mementos and rushed into a quick goodbye. This is no way to show feelings for anyone. Frankly, I'm confused by your decisions and if I were in his shoes I'd have serious doubts about a future with you. I'm sure that's how he feels.

You should call him only if you have a good explanation for your behavior and a good idea of what you want next between you two and why. If these things aren't clear to you, don't call him.

Kelly, 25, from Cincinnati asks:

My boyfriend says he loves and wants to one day get married but when it actually comes to doing things that people in a serious relationship should do, he falls short. Is he afraid of commitment and is there anything I can do?

VictorM's advice:

I assume you accidentally left the word "me" out of the first sentence, otherwise we could have a clue.

You don't specify what kinds of things "people should do", so it's hard for me to say. But I think the operative words are that he wants to get married "one day". Clearly that means not now and not very soon.

Maybe, just maybe, you're a bit impatient and he's not falling short, he's just walking slowly?


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

jackie, 21, from southern us asks:

How do you know a guy really genuinely cares about you for marriage material?

VictorM's answer:

When he asks you to marry him.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Emmy Jones, 27, from Florida asks:

A guy who lives a few doors away keeps driving past my house in the morning and staring up to my bedroom window. He has no reason to as the main road is in the other direction. We have spoken a few times and he has asked me lots of questions about myself. Whenever I see him about he just seems to keep looking at me. Have you any idea why and what he thinks of me?

VictorM's answer:

My guess is that he finds you attractive but he also sounds eerily weird. His behavior seems more stalking-like than healthy admiration.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Michelle, 20, from Vancouver Wa asks:

I hang out with a group of friends and last weekend one of my friend and I started having a really good conversation. Well that turned into a make out, than other stuff. Anyways we are the only one who know and we didn't really get to talk to each other about was it just that nothing more ever or does he want more. Now he won't talk to me when I call (I have only called once since and he called my other friend instead of me). So what I'm asking am I reading way to much into this thing and can I remain friends or did I just go a fuck things up. Oh yeah he was a virgin till that night. Thanks

VictorM's advice:

I think you're reading too much into it. He's probably just not sure how to address the issue with you, so he's avoiding you for now until he figures things out. It will be very weird for him when he sees you again. It's natural that he's thinking that night meant you think you two are now a couple and you expect a relationship to follow. But no matter what, don't be surprised if he acts a bit weird for a while.

For future reference, if all you want from a guy is friendship, having sex with him is not a good idea. And if what you want is a relationship, starting with sex is not a good idea either. You should decide for yourself exactly what you expect from him now, and act accordingly.

Oh, and the sooner you make it clear to him you don't expect him to marry you now, the better.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Lisa, 23, from ny asks:

Will a guy ask me out if he's friends with my ex-boyfriend?

VictorM's advice:

Heck yes, he will! Then, one of two things will happen: they will either cease to be friends (if your ex still isn't over you) or, become best of friends (if your ex has moved on) and compare notes about you.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Maggie, 22, from ontario asks:

Why does my boyfriend need to look at porn? I noticed the advice you gave to another girl about the male attachment to porn being comparable to the female attachment to shoes and whatnot. This comparison is ill conceived. We're talking about liking the shoes on your feet to where you a guy would like to stick his dick. Why should my boyfriend be seeking to look at other women's body parts? I feel that if I had porn laying around displaying the type of male body and penis I might prefer would make my boyfriend feel as stupid, unattractive, inadequate and SICK and his porn collection makes me feel. He says that if it didn't make me angry, he would have porn hanging all over the house. I had to demand that the tittie poster be taken down from the ceiling over his bed! Does he need to look at a girl with giant boobs while I have sex with him? I am bisexual and could be seeking out male AND female porn but I DON'T. If I need sexual stimulation I think of my boyfriend, because he is the one I have sex with. This is getting to the point that it's making me feel like an idiot when we sleep together, wondering if he's imagining some slut he saw in a magazine. Why am I not good enough? Our sex life has been good and adventurous as far as I'm concerned... it's certainly been better for him than it has for me, so why the porn?

VictorM's advice:

My analogy with shoe-buying only referred to the level of emotional attachment. In no way was it meant to condone the behavior.

By your description, your boyfriend's interest in porn strikes me as way over the top and very problematic. Any kind of addiction comes with its problems, and porn is no exception. This guy's open attachment to porn is hugely unhealthy.

Stop thinking of this as purely a sex issue and who he's thinking about when having sex with you. His behavior signals serious moral corruption and a deprivation of values that really should be the focus of your concern. I'm not talking about judging your sexual preferences or sexual attitudes; I'm talking about core values that define a person and how he/she relates to others. Your boyfriend is sorely lacking them (that's why he's so much into porn) and you need to recognize it for the major problem that it is relationship wise rather than just sexually.

Your concern sounds hallow to me. Your issues with his behavior seem selfish and relate only to what it does to you and how you feel about it. Nowhere did you mention any concern for any damage that porn may be causing to him, either morally or emotionally.

Examine your own sense of values first. Maybe you're still with him because your own standards are low too.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Ashley, 17, from Minnesota asks:

Hi this guy named Greg and I used to go to school together back in 10th grade. After that year he moved and I never heard from him again. I am now a senior and very close to graduating. I just made a myspace a couple of months ago and he somehow found my profile and we started talking again. This time it wasn't like friend talking, we started hard core flirting with each other, and then we started texting and everything. He eventually brought up the subject of long distance relationships (he lives about an hour away) and asked my opinion on them. Of course we both declared that we indeed like one another and would like to date each other someday. About a week later my Dad died. He was extremely supportive of me, and every time I cried at night he refused to go to sleep until he knew I was. We eventually got together last Friday. He slept over at my house. We went out to dinner and a movie and he was a complete gentleman. Later that night we ended up having sex in my basement. He said it was the best he had ever had, and the way he said it I knew he wasn't joking. We fell asleep in each others arms and he held me the entire night. The next day when he had to go home, he really didn't want to cuz he said he had such a wonderful time, and I believed him. It's now been almost a week, and he hasn't been texting me nearly as much as he did before he slept over. Does he still like me? Was he a hit and run guy? He still says he wants to spend the summer with me and all, but he just hasn't been talking to me as much as he did before. Does he still like me?

VictorM's advice:

Sorry to hear about your father.

He might still like you but the mystery has been solved, the castle has been conquered, and now it's time to sit back and relax (meaning, he'll get lazy). Basically, you've found the prototype of your typical male: aggressive and hard working while the prize is out there; lazy and laid back once the prize has been conquered. And in your case, in one date, really, he got the whole kitt'n kaboodle.

You want better results? Make him work for your affection. If you don't, he won't. And if he was just a hit and run kind of guy, learn from it so that next time you give a little less of yourself initially until you know he's not after just one thing.

But don't give up on this guy. He started out with good qualities and they may still be there. He's just acting like a typical guy now.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Charlotte, 45, from: Texas US asks:

I was introduced to a man by mutual friends as a potential. We were both attracted to one another immediately, and we also found that we have an emotional, intellectual and spiritual connection unlike any other (his words). Problem is, he is still not over his ex-wife, he works in Europe 6 months out of the year, he is afraid of commitment at this point. He did not tell me these things, I just know him so well. The problem is that I love him. He tells me that he loves me too, although we have never even kissed there is a chemistry there and he admits he wanted me that way in the beginning. He is seeing another woman in England and he tells me it is a temporary love affair, that he is not up for long term commitment. He says that he and I are forever. I don't understand how a man could feel this close to you and you meet his needs in all ways and he won't take the chance with you. It is as if he is compartmentalizing his feelings... he gets romance and sex from the woman in England and everything else from me. Have you ever heard of such a thing?

VictorM's advice:

Why should he worry or change his behavior if both you and the other woman are willing to go along? He's got it made. By the way, it's possible he's telling the woman in England the same things he's telling you, which is that basically, you're unique... like everyone else.

At this age, and still dealing with the feelings for his ex-wife -- which may go on for years -- his definition of "forever" doesn't carry the same intensity it did in his 20's. He now knows that "forever" is fleeting and can go up in smoke in no time. That's the lesson from his divorce. If you think he's ever going to give you a do-or-die commitment you're only fooling yourself.

Stop being so darn understanding about the other woman. Frankly, I don't think he'd stand it if you had another man, and rightly so. Why are you putting up with it? When you ask me "Have you ever heard of such a thing?" you should be asking it about your own behavior. It wouldn't surprise me if he's losing some respect for you for being so willing to accept this situation.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

angel, 15, from: ca,91911 asks:

This boy named julian has a crush on me. But he won't talk to me. Why is that?

VictorM's answer:

Most likely because he's shy. If you like him, talk to him. Don't tell him you like him, but make conversation. Once he gets to know you better, maybe he'll open up to you. If you're shy too, try to at least smile at him and say: "Hi Julian" when you see him (make sure to use his name, not just say "Hi").

PS: Angel, neither I nor anyone else on the internet needs to know your exact address. Please don't give it out. It's safer this way.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

lee-anne, 21, from johannesburge asks:

I'm a 21 year old I'm in a relationship with a married guy and I really love him. The only problem is that he is married and he feels the same way about me. Please help me. Where do I go from here?

VictorM's answer:

Both of you have to come the same decision: either he leaves his wife or it's over between you two. A prolonged relationship under these conditions means neither one of you has the self-respect to do the right thing.

Just because he says he loves you doesn't mean he loves you. Maybe, just maybe, he likes you for the sex and for the adventure it provides. Then he goes home to his wife, happy with this arrangement for years.

Just because he's having an affair with you now doesn't mean he'll cheat on you if you two ever get married, but this on-going relationship with you surely casts doubt on his commitment to marriage and the sanctity it represents.

Where you go from easier is easier said than done: you should stop seeing him until he leaves her and seeks a divorce. If you continue to see him, any disappointments you'll face down the road -- and you will face plenty -- will be a direct consequence of your own actions and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

kate, 25, from midlands asks:

After three years my boyfriend and I have split up. After a week he said he missed me and could I go see him, so I did. By the time it came for me to leave he said he wasn't sure again! I found out he had been seeing someone else but I was told by his mates that it wasn't serious and that it's me he's always talking about. I haven't spoken to him in three days and I really want him back. I know he loves me so why won't he see and just try again? What can I do to make myself more appealing to him?

VictorM's advice:

He missed you like a smoker who quits cigarettes misses smoking; not because he wants to but because of the addiction. People get so used to the scent and the feel of another person so much so that when they break-up, even if they were miserable, they will feel withdrawals (perceived as "missing" someone). When he got to spend a little time with you again, he realized what cigarette smokers do: it's still bad.

He may talk to his mates about you because you were a huge part of his life. That doesn't mean he wants you in it.

I don't know what turns him off about you, so I have no idea what would make you more appealing to him. If he loves you, as you say, there must things about you he doesn't like at all. But after three years together you don't know what they are, well, that explains why he broke up with you.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Confidential to Anonymous from NA:

You have to face something you're trying desperately to avoid: your boyfriend is over you! He's giving you all the signs and saying all the things to let you know it without having to spell it out for you.

There are hints in your submission that lead me to believe that his motives go beyond moving away to college. Your self-admitted tendency to get mad easily and to be sensitive sound to me like he's had enough of your behavior.

He's going to date in college. He is going to continually reduce his contact with you. He will have a new girlfriend soon. Failure to accept these realities is only going to bring you more pain. Face it: the boy you love is now your ex-boyfriend.

Changing your appearance and the topics you like to talk about won't work because you should attract someone who likes you the way you are instead of you having to adapt too much to someone new. Guys aren't motivated by receiving gifts -- that's a female thing -- so don't waste your time and money. The number one thing you must do is work on your anger management. If you don't, your next boyfriend will become your next ex-boyfriend as well. Someone who gets angry easily and often will drive away boyfriends. If you can afford it, see a therapist for this. There are no quick fixes for bad temper. I suspect looking into your family life will be required to help you, but handling getting mad easily can be helped. Get help.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

jennifer, 32, from bethpage, ny asks:

My boyfriend works with this girl. Last year they both had an attraction for each other but it did not work out and my boyfriend and I stayed together and are planning a future. The problem is my boyfriend and this girl go to lunch all the time and I am not comfortable with it. Mind you they used to sneak out to lunch last year and he went to her apartment a few times. Now, they both say they are only friends and I should get over the fact they are friends now and go to lunch. What is your opinion on this and any advice? I have told this girl I do not want her having lunch with him and she did say she would not. Now she tells me to get over it, they are friends. Am I wrong for not liking it? Thanks. Jen

VictorM's advice:

You have every right not to like it, but at the same time, if they work together why can't they have lunch? It seems to me that if they're going to be naughty, it likely won't be over a restaurant table. But still, lunch or no lunch, there is enough here to be of concern, above all his response to all this.

Your beef shouldn't be with the girl. After all, she's not the one you're planning a future with, is she? She owes you nothing (except that if she had any sense of decency she would refrain from spending too much time with him now.)

Your boyfriend is way out of line for not respecting your wishes in this regard. In my view, he's the "bad guy" here. He should be putting some distance between them even if you weren't bothered by their "friendship". But since you have expressed your concern (I'm assuming you made it clear to him, not just her) and he's not done much to alter the situation, I find that very disturbing.

I suggest you talk to him in terms of your feelings. Don't insult her, don't accuse him of anything, but make it clear you don't like it. Always talk in first person: "I don't like that...", "I feel insecure about..." No matter how often he says there's nothing between them, keep repeating those lines. At some point, he has to address your feelings. Will he care or will he ignore them? His response will let you know what kind of husband he will be.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Michelle, 30, from Seattle, WA asks:

A few years ago I began seeing this guy in the military, for what was supposed to be no-strings sex. It got to be a regular thing and we were meeting at least once per week. A couple months into it, I realized I was in love with him and told him so. I tried to end it because I knew he didn't want me as a girlfriend. At first, he told me he was seeing others, then he told me he already had a girlfriend back in his hometown. Then he told me he was in love with me but it would never work out between us. But it didn't matter to me, I thought I could change his mind. So we continued to sleep together. This went on for nearly two years until he was sent to Kuwait. I wanted to forget about him. But months later he called me from Kuwait. He was coming back and wanted to see me. And when he returned, we began again. Finally, he was discharged from the military and moved back home. I haven't heard from him since. The problem is: I still have feelings for him. But at the same time I'm really disappointed in myself for letting this happen. I was the other woman, he said. But now he's back with his girlfriend & they're making plans to marry. She doesn't know about me, but I know who she is and I've even found her profile on MySpace. Do I tell her what went on behind her back? I would want to know if I were in her shoes, but at the same time, I think I'd really be doing this to get even. He really broke my heart. Why do people do this to each other? And what do I do to get past this?

VictorM's advice:

First of all, this guy was straight with you all the time. He liked you for sex and made it clear that's what he was after. Whatever goes on between him and his girlfriend his none of your concern -- stay out of it! You got your heart broken but doing something rotten, like telling his girlfriend, isn't going to ease that pain. Move on with dignity.

There will be no quick fixes to get over him. Accept that suffering is part of loving and find new things to distract you. Feelings for someone do not go away easily -- in some cases, never -- but they do get easier to deal withh. Don't rush into another guy. Instead, finds hobbies, new friends, move away if you can. But above all, give yourself time. Time is a healer. It's a cliche but it's true.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Confidential to Alicia:

I'm not going to post your long submission but hear me out: No, he's not giving you a second chance. This guy will hurt you, insult you, use you, abuse you, mistreat you, call you names, and make sure you know he'll do it at will. Why? Because he's an insecure jerk and you're a weak woman who unfortunately doesn't have enough confidence. But... you love him *sigh*... what can I say?

Sadly, I'll expect a submission from you within a few days telling me I'm right.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Paige, 15, from stockton asks:

How can I tell my guy friend that I like more than a friend he likes to play around with me but I'm not sure he likes me.

VictorM's answer:

Stop behaving like just a friend with him. Plan things for you two to do alone, like going shopping or to a movie, and dress like you want his attention (you know, a little more sexy, a little more perfume, things like that.) When you stand by him, move in a little closer than you have up until now. But above all, stop acting like his buddy!


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Molly, 23, from Manitoba asks:

My boyfriend and I have sex, and it is all good , but he will be hard , then he will get soft ? What can I do about this problem ? Is it something I am doing wrong ? Or him?

VictorM's advice:

This is a much more common problem that most people realize (because guys don't go around bragging about it). Most likely it's nothing either one of you is doing wrong, although there are things you can do to deal with it.

I don't know how long you two have been having sex, but if it's recently, that could be a reason. Many guys have this kind of problem until they are very comfortable with the girl. If this is the case, just give yourselves a little more time. Above all, don't make a big deal about it. He has fingers and a tongue and he can do a lot of things sexually with those until this is worked out.

The most common other cause is stress. Maybe he's nervous, rushed, worried he'll ejaculate too early, worried you might get pregnant, worried he'll disappoint you, etc. Try to make sure the environment is calm and safe, that you have plently of time and there's no need to rush, that there's no change you two will get caught doing the deed. You could also try a few times of just heavy necking agreeing before hand that there will be no sex (in this case he might relax and actually stay hard, which might give him confidence.)

But if none of that works, there is one thing above all Molly that you can do: get him to see a sex counselor. There's no need to let this be a problem when there is so much professional help out there these days. We don't live in the Dark Ages and we know that physical/emotional problems do arise that cause temporary sexual problems. We make nothing of treating other ailments -- sex malfunction should be no different. This need not be a problem between you two.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

sandra, 16, from england asks:

There is this guy who is 19, my friends all say he likes me, but I think the age gap is too much. We see each other in town sometimes and we chat for ages, he comes over to my house and is really nice. How can you tell if you should say you like him?

VictorM's answer:

I don't think 3 years is much of an age gap at all. Sure, there can be some obstacles, such if he's away in college or university, or if he and his friends like to do things that you can't, such as going out to night spots, either because of local laws or because your parents won't let you. But in terms of maturity and development, a 16 year old girl and 19 year old boy aren't that far apart.

I don't think you should say you like him until he says it to you first. But do send him some vibes that you're interested.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Jill, 30, from Scotland asks:

I started professional tennis lessons and for the past 3months it seems there is a connection developing. I'm not sure how to read him.. he is very friendly, asks me all the time what my plans are for the weekend but has never asked me out. I catch him looking at me when I'm at practice and I think he has blushed on the odd occasion. I'm scared to read too much into it, but it's just a gut feeling that I have. He greets me "hello gorgeous", or "hey you", or "hi lovely", he touches me playfully and whenever we're having lessons I pick up a "vibe". I'm a single mum so I'm very wary and cautious, perhaps that comes across although I have now started to make an effort with eye contact and feeling quite clueless at flirting. I'm not quite sure how to take this guy. He has mentioned that I meet his friend to help with a work project, but still waiting for that to materialise. I have no idea if he's involved.. I know he's not married, but for all I know he has a girlfriend and I am very aware about being "played"...

VictorM's advice:

I guess I'm suppose to assume you have a question :)

Flirting seems to be the hot topic around here lately. Let me get to the point: flirting means NOTHING! Guys flirt when they're interested and when they're not. It's simply a guy thing.

Hairdressers, tennis pros, physical therapist, etc. these guys deal with many, many women and making them feel good and wanting to come back is part of the job. His lines seem well-rehearsed and he probably has used them hundreds of times. So, in essence, you're unique... like all the other women.

I know, you'd like for your gut to be right, and I'm not saying it's not, but you really have to hold yourself from getting your hopes too high, unless you don't mind being played (doesn't sound like you do). If you like the guy, try to arrange some "away-from-work" situation somehow -- a dinner, a drink, a movie. You'll get a better idea if he's just treating you in a way that's "being good for business" or if his interest goes beyond that.

And make nothing of his blushing. For crying out loud, you Scots blush naturally with every third breath.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

ipfani, 21, from south africa asks:

I've been with my boyfriend for over 10 years and our love grows stronger each day. I just have a problem of not being able to trust him because we have both cheated on each other in the past. How do get over this trust issue?

VictorM's answer:

It is my belief that trust is more important to a healthy relationship than love. The two are closely intertwined. I don't understand how you can claim that your love is growing (whatever that means) and at the same time say you don't trust him. It sounds like you're getting more addicted to him even as you have miserable times.

Your trust has been violated by him and by your own flawed personal behavior. In part, your mistrust of him is a reflection of your own insecurity about fidelity. Your chances to get over lack of trust will not improve until your lust for others declines. That is, you will not see clearly until you remove the particle of dust from your own eyes.

But trust, once broken, is virtually impossible to regain. If there's a way, I don't know how.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Kathryn, 15, from Australia NSW asks:

Hi there :), I'm Kathryn and am 15 years old, and in need of some help lol. There's 3 things that I need to ask you about:

1) My friend Simon and me are really close, and I used to have a crush on him and I told him on msn like 5 months after I stopped liking him, and he just said ok. But I only told him because he kept asking me who I used to like and stuff. I used to like him because of his great personality and how nice he was to me, and plus I thought he liked me as well. But I'm not sure if he does like me. There's still part of me that knows that if I never get a boyfriend I know that he's always there, but I'd rather be his best friend more than anything. Can you tell if he likes me, or is he just at the stage where he gets weird around girls like me? He's 6 months younger than me, 14 and a half.

2) There's a guy at my school named Serge and he is a really awesome sweet guy, who I am in love with! I can't stop thinking about him... anyways, last year I had some problem with my ankles and I had to sit out of PE for 3 weeks, and Serge had nothing wrong with him but he sat with me during PE. So I did talk with him but there were awkward silences and stuff. Since then a couple of times he's looked at me and tried to get my attention, but I completely ignore it and pretend he didn't do anything, pretend he wasn't looking at me because if I looked at him back I was scared that he would smile at me! I couldn't believe that I am like that, I wish I could just walk past him and say hi, I wish we were friends right now, and we could have been if it wasn't for all the ignoring of him :(. I feel so stupid, I wish it could start over. Right now, I want to talk to him and have another one of our conversations like we did during pe, but I'm too damn scared and he seems different because I haven't been "noticing him"(which i have but don't want him to see) as much lately. Please tell me what you think, and does he like me? Is he nervous? Please tell me your thoughts of this really complicated story.

3) There's another guy at my school who likes me, but he can get annoying when looking at me, he's in my class with his friend who tries to make me pay attention to Brad (the guy who likes me) by calling his name loudly and punching each other (Brad's friend is named Kurt.) I know Brad likes me because he's ALWAYS looking at me, I catch him doing it and it really gets on my nerves because I don't like him, maybe as a friend maybe but not anything else. If he asks me out I'm scared of what to say I'd just freeze. You see I've never had a boyfriend, I've never had any guy ask me out before, I've never asked anyone out before, I am so scared of what to do. I try to ignore this Brad and Kurt but wherever I go Brad's way away behind me staring at me. Like in class he always sits behind me, never in front. Tell me what you think please :) Sorry this all took awhile, but I thought I'd better write exactly what's on my mind, and if I've forgotten anything I'll let you know, I am at the stage where I say to myself that I need to do the things that I want before its all over and gone, but nothing seems to work, I always just become shy and do nothing!!! Thank you so much, please answer me soonxox kathryn

VictorM's answers:

Boy, this has to be the longest submission (and I edited it down some), but also a very cute one. I was chronically shy at your age, so I can relate.

1) Of course he likes you but he's 14 -- he's basically a freak of nature at this point.

2) If you can't bring yourself up to smile at a guy you don't deserve him. Come on Kathryn, you have to make SOME effort. A smile isn't a lot. Make an effort. I don't know if he's nervous but it's only natural that he doesn't approach you since you're sending him "stay away" signals.

3) Not ever having a boyfriend at 15 is nothing unusual, so don't sweat it. If Brad asks you out just say: "Oh Brad, that is so cute of you to ask but really, I'd rather eat pig vomit than go out with you". OK, just kidding, don't say that. Just say: "No, but thanks for asking".

Your shyness is a problem. You aren't going to change overnight, but as I said in bullet 1 above, you are going to have to make some effort. Start with smiling. Force yourself to smile at the boys. The more courageous ones will start talking to you and things will get easier after that.

joseline, 15 from fortdrum, new york asks:

I have this ex that I love very much and he says he loves me too and the other day he asked me to get back with him but I said no because he wasn't really that nice to me the past couple of weeks and yesterday I called him so we can get back but then he said no but that he still loves me and then he said he wants to be with me but he doesn't want to deal with drama. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:

You should do nothing. You're both too immature for relationships. Stick to dolls and video games for now and try romance again in a few years.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

af, 16 asks:

I like this guy, but I have not talked to him since 7th grade and now I am in 10th. I think I just realized I have feelings for him about a month ago and can't stop thinking about him. I see him in school but I don't think he remembers me. My best friend says I should just talk to him but I would feel embarrassed. What should I do? Should I just keep it to myself forever or finally try to tell him; but how?

Victor's advice:

Do NOT tell him about your feelings, but your friend is right: you should talk to him. Just mention that you remember him from 7th grade and you wonder if he remembers you. Think of some teachers you both had or some events that took place so that you two can have something to talk about initially.

You'll always wonder about him unless you talk to him and you will regret it if you don't. So, get up the nerve and talk to him... but not about your feelings.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

tiffany, 24, from australia asks:

Hi there! Well I'm sort of confused (and too shy). I'm a medical student and do a weekly student clinic session with this cute physio student. He treats me each week, always chatting heaps before he starts the treatment. We have so much in common. My friend overheard him & another physio student rate me (he thinks I'm "pretty good"). He always touches me to say hi/bye, notices the colour of my toe polish, remembers everything I say & even noticed when I got my hair done recently, compliments me & praises my knowledge. A few other med students have noticed he flirts with me too & is touchy freely. I'd love to give him my number but I'm so scared he would laugh at me or humiliate me! Is he interested or just really friendly?

VictorM's advice:

Of course he won't laugh or humiliate you. Most likely he'll be flattered. But maybe he has a girlfriend (have you found out if he does? If you haven't, you should) or some other reasons for not seeing you, but his ego will come close to exploding with pride if you were to make a move.

I don't expect that what I say here will give you the courage to go ahead and give him your number, and that's a good thing, because I don't think you should. And I'll tell you why: he doesn't seem the shy type, so why hasn't he asked you out? Also, that rating of "pretty good", in guy talk, sounds pretty weak.

I suggest you give him signs that you'd accept an invitation from him, but don't be the one asking. Mention places you will be at and say something like "if you go don't forget to say hello". Or mention you'd like to see a certain movie but don't want to go alone. This way you can gauge his interest without the risk of rejection.

Laura, 18, from England asks:

Me and my year boyfriend have recently been going through a real bad patch. I think I became digested in my own depression (my parents splitting up) and I became really obsessive. However, he's never really said it's causing any problems even when I asked him several times. And he still was saying I love you a lot and all the really nice things a guy can say to you. He even booked a holiday for us recently to Venice for August and was saying there's no one he'd rather go with. We had a really good Easter day too and he said it was days like those that made him realised how much he loves me. But I totally blanked him last week after he went out with people we both knew and didn't invite me. And he dumped me at the end of the week. (He knew why I was blanking him). We are both head high in A-LEVEL exams, and I cannot concentrate on anything because I don't understand why. He says he doesn't feel the same anymore, but seems to change his reasoning every time I spoke to him over the weekend. I wished him good luck before his exam Monday and he gave me a kiss on the lips TWICE, however treated me like a mate the rest of the day. I think he needs reminding of the good times. I'm annoyed because he never gave me the chance to put things right. He's so perfect and I don't want to lose him (although it feels like I already have). HELP I'M CONFUSED!!!

VictorM's advice:

Think of a bucket of water. It takes a lot of water without spilling over, and then, there's the one drop that makes it run over. That's the same thing with relationships. He can love you and tell you so, and take some of your odd behavior, and than that one drop makes him realize you're not the one. Falling out of love, or the desire to be with someone, need not be a slow, measurable progression. Sometimes it comes to us without us even thinking about it. So, in your case, he finally had enough and that last drop caused the whole bucket to overflow.

But frankly, it doesn't sound like a lost cause. Maybe he just had too many worries with school work to properly evaluate the situation, and with the stress he just took the easy way out. For now anyway.

Do not keep asking WHY he feels how he does. He won't tell you the real reason anyway and just puts on the defensive mode. So don't even bother. Just say to him that you realize that with the stress of your family issues and school work you may not have been the perfect girlfriend but that you love him. Leave it at that. If he's inclined to work things out, he will. If he lost his feelings for you, it's out of your control -- nothing you say will make a difference.

Camielle, 16 from IL asks:

Yeah, so I really like this one guy in school(18), and I have no idea if he likes me back. We hung out a couple times with a group of friends, I sometimes catch him looking at me... The other day he kept watching me in lunch, and to get my attention he threw an orange at me from across the lunchroom.. what does that mean? Then later on he complimented me on a dress that he's seen me wear multiple times, "You look like a french maid in that dress" with a smile.. We always hug "hello" "good-bye" but... I don't know.. What should I be looking for for key indications that he may be interested in me? I don't want to waste my time. Should I just go up and say, "hey, I like you. What next?"?? I don't know!!!

VictorM's advice:

Whatever you do, do NOT tell him you like him!

He threw an orange at you? What other signs do you need? Clearly he's mad about you. :) OK, I'm kidding, but really, that is a good sign. That kind of specific act means he clearly has you in mind.

But, what are you so impatient about? Let the boy sweep you off your feet. Flirt with him, egg him on a little but not too much, enjoy the attention, but let him be the one making the moves.

Just hope that next he doesn't throw a melon at you. Maybe you should wear a helmet, just in case.

sarah, 20, from wales asks:

Hi, recently I have developed feelings for this guy in work. When I first started there we hit it off and got on really well, and have always really had a little soft spot for him, however in the last few weeks things seemed to have developed, in that we are a lot more flirtatious toward each other and he's paying me loads of compliments just generally the air seems electric whenever we're around each other. We get on like a house on fire. The problem being he has a girlfriend also at work for about 2 years. I haven't raised it with him because nothing has happened but there had been moments where something could have happened, and the last thing I want to do is cheat, because its not in my nature to do that, but because of the way I feel I don't know what I might do because I've never felt like this before around someone, yet there is so much to lose. What do I do?!

VictorM's advice:

There is no question you are playing with fire. A messy triangle at work can be an impossible situation. Yet, I hear you. When the sparks fly, it can be hard to resist.

I don't know his feelings for you but do not dismiss that often guys flirt with girls purely for the sake of flirting. Guys can make a clear delineation between flirting with a girl and having feelings for her.

By the way, you're lying when you say you aren't the cheating type -- of course you are. If you weren't you wouldn't be adding fuel to the fire at work.

So, you asked me what to do. Here's my answer: Behave and stop encouraging his flirting. If he really liked you he would have broken-up with his girlfriend. You're nothing but a little play thing at work, an entertaining distraction, and a willing one at that. Society has little respect for girls like you, and rightly so.

Anonymous, from: NA asks:

I am in a very difficult situation with my boyfriend of over a year. He is going to college 2 and a half hours away. My problem is that he told me, after saying he would like to have a long distance relationship, that he did not want to have one because he wasn't ready and didn't want to be that serious. After some talking and talking, he still did not want this to happen. Lately, he has been very busy with various things going on with school and has very little time to hang out or call me (if he does call, we usually talk on the phone for about 15 minutes and it is right before he falls asleep). I am always doing thoughtful things for him, like writing notes or getting him gifts. He appreciates them, and says that they are nice, but that I don't have to do them. However, he doesn't get anything for me or do anything like that, although he used to do it early in the relationship. I'm guessing he is tired with the same old thing. It seems that he puts his friends before me in a lot of situations, but says that he tries his best to make me happy, which can't be possible with the way he acts. He even told me that lately he doesn't want to worry about relationship things until he is less busy! He has also said that he wants to be less serious before he leaves. My problem here is that I know he's pushing me away and that he is very secure in the relationship and doesn't really need me. What I want to figure out is how to turn the tables and make him have a hard time leaving, want to be with me more, and I want to become more exciting and not the same old thing, and even more of a challenge. Do you think that this is possible? That if I make myself less available or act differently that he might want to have a long-distance relationship? What can I do? Please help me. This has been really tough on me, and I don't want things to end between me and him because I want to have a future with him, I just need some help getting him to fall for me again. Please give me the best advice you can think of. I appreciate your help and would really like things to change for the better. Thank you so much, Anonymous

VictorM's advice:

As I was reading your question I was thinking to myself that you need to make yourself scarce. And then I read that you're considering it. Yes, I think you should do it. He's too comfortable with you and that's not a good thing.

Look, maybe he'll fly the coop and never come back, and you may not be able to stop that, but making him feel that you're needy for him just makes him lazy, hence the ceasing of doing nice things for you. Guys are better boyfriends when they're in the conquest mode, so, you should try to get him in that mode, not only for now, but for the rest of your life.

So what to do? I don't know you so you'll have to adjust the examples I list to your situation, but consider doing things like being busy a little more, dress better and more sexy, wear a different perfume, change your hairstyle, go to different places, make plans with friends and withouth him, etc. If you come across as desirable and alive with excitement, he'll want you. Trust me on this: the needy girlfriend bit only drives the boyfriend away, so stop that!

I don't know if that will be enough to survive the long distance, but you should try to change anyway. At least you'll feel better that you tried.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Celia, 39, from New York asks:

Hi and thank you so much for any help. I've put it in point form:

* he broke up with me after a year
* to be honest, I acted really immaturely and didn't treat him with respect toward the end. I was frustrated with an injury I'd sustained and the money it cost me and I fell apart. I moved out of our home to get a job in another state.
* felt us slipping away and held on way too tight which he said is why he broke up. Also he hated the long distance
*it's been 3 years. I'd like to see him again. He contacted me 2 years ago but didn't reply to my return email. I wrote to him in September as a friend, no answer
*I'd like to see him again but am concerned that if we just bumped into each other, he'd think I was nuts as I don't live in the same state.
*he's been single for the last 3 years. Some time after we broke up, he said he hated that he thought it but couldn't help thinking we were always meant to be together. Then he closed down completely.

Any advice on the seeing him again? Thank you.

Celia

VictorM's advice:

If you wrote to him like nothing had happened, I can see why he didn't answer. My suggestion is for you to email him again and write the things you did wrong, as best as you can recall. Express how sorry you are and what you have learned from them. If your list of mistakes matches his, he might be inclined to want to try again.

You don't have to make the email too long. Guys like things brief and to the point. End it with a short and sincere-sounding "I'm so sorry and would appreciate another chance." If you still love him, say so. But please, don't get weepy and needy. You made mistakes; you didn't kill anyone. If he's not the forgiving type, maybe you're better off without him.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Kylie, 26, from Australia asks:

5 years ago I got engaged to the love of my life, a guy I'd been with for 5 years. When I got a new job I became friends with a girl and she somehow tore us apart and I broke up with him. He went into the defence forces and got married after 10 weeks. I still love him so much, why would he marry someone else so soon? I can clearly see he is not happy with her. Do you think there is ever a chance to get back together? The breakup was quite messy and painful.

VictorM's answer:

I'd say the odds are not very good. Generally, guys don't get over messy breakp-ups easily. You don't specify what happened, but for a girl to cause a messy and painful break-up with the "love of your life" it must have been pretty bad. And if it involved any kind of break of trust -- and it sounds like it did -- I'd say you're pretty much doomed.

His quick marriage could be a mistake on his part, but one designed to remove you from his life once and for all. Even if he's not happy with his wife, why would he go back to the source of the pain? I don't think he'll do it. He probably will just pile more anger against you if his marriage fails.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Brandi, 21, from Texas asks:

Okay, we all know the "rules" DONT MOVE TOO FAST! BUT, what if we do move too fast in a relationship, don't realize it at that time, fall in love with each other, and then realize that we have moved too fast and break up? In my situation it was the timing (he wanted to date and whatnot). SO, the question is, if you move too fast and break up, yet still care for one another (and have a child with them, lol) is there any coming back from that? Even if you both have dated other people. Is there still a possibility that the time could become right, even if you moved too fast the first time you were together?

VictorM's answer:

I'd say yes, there is a chance, but I don't think the odds of it working out are very good. Sure, he may have realized you're all kinds of wonderful compared to others, but that still means he didn't think you're all that, so now he's just settling.

I also don't buy that the break-up was because you moved too fast. People who move too fast usually just slow down. In your case, I just think he's gotten over you, you just don't seem to want to accept that. I fear you're just wasting your time.

You're better off planning to move on. Don't sit around waiting for him.

Susie, 19, from Michigan asks:

I'm in college and I met a guy at a party that a lot of my friends already knew. For the next few weeks we hung out a lot, talked a lot, and made out a little. We seemed like and acted like we were a couple and everyone thought that. I told him I was worried because I was told he was a player and was just looking for some, but he got mad and said that he couldn't believe anyone thought that was true including me. We talked through it and it went back to normal. One night he blew me off, and we both went home for a school break. After that he was just weird and I could tell something bad happened at home with his parents over break. We stopped talking for the next few weeks. But then I found out he was sick and I asked him about it because someone had told me it might be mono. He said it wasn't and hoped I have a good summer break. We both went home, and we live 15 hours hours apart, so seeing each other this summer is out of the question. So I guess my question is did I give up trying to soon on something that was an actual potential relationship, was he really just looking for some, or is it something completely different?

VictorM's answer:

He has a reputation as a player, you confront him with it (meaning, he now knows you won't put out that easily), you don't put out easily, and so he's not interested in you. If A=B, and B=C, then A=C. Conclusion: he just wanted some.