Sunday, April 30, 2006
A sign he's cheating?
SMILEY, 18, from ORANGE COUNTY asks:
My boyfriend has a job now and he never calls me or anything. The other day he had girls over at his house cooking for him and his friends. Is this a sign that he's cheating? I mean if I don't call, email or go to his house it's like I don't even exist. What should I do? He already knows how I feel.
VictorM's answer:
I don't know that it means he's cheating, but it clearly means you're not that important in his life. And if he already knows how you feel about it and makes no effort, that makes his lack of concern even more telling.
Dump him and move on.
My boyfriend has a job now and he never calls me or anything. The other day he had girls over at his house cooking for him and his friends. Is this a sign that he's cheating? I mean if I don't call, email or go to his house it's like I don't even exist. What should I do? He already knows how I feel.
VictorM's answer:
I don't know that it means he's cheating, but it clearly means you're not that important in his life. And if he already knows how you feel about it and makes no effort, that makes his lack of concern even more telling.
Dump him and move on.
Why doesn't he just tell me he likes me?
Janet, 19, from Australia asks:
I am confused about the feelings of one of my friends. He has just recently started going out with a new girl, but some things he does leaves me unsure how he feels towards me. For instance, when we are talking in a group, he talks usually directly to me, staring into my eyes. When we are out dancing he dances with me at least as much as he does with his new girlfriend. He calls me every day, and text messages me as well. He begins to act weirdly when I mention other guys, he notices every time I wear a new outfit or if I am having a 'good hair day', he stands and sits very close to me, he will walk and talk with me and leave his girlfriend walking with our other friends, who she doesn't know very well, yet he does talk about her occasionally, the list goes on and on. What is up with his behaviour? I don't understand why he acts like this when he has a girlfriend. And if he does like me why wouldn't he just tell me?
VictorM's answer:
Yeah, he likes you but what encouragement does he get from you? My guess is that he thinks you don't feel for him the way he feels for you, so at least he's trying to go on with his life, hence the girlfriend. He will NOT say anything to you about his feelings towards you because even a 1% chance of rejection would be a catastrophe and at least as things are he gets to enjoy your company.
Also, in "guy logic", getting a girlfriend and mentioning her to you could be designed to provoke a reaction from you so he can gauge weather you like him or not. He'll dump her in a heartbeat for you.
If you like him too my advice is for you to make that abundantly clear to him (no little hints; guys get no hints). And to stop talking about other guys in front of him. If you don't like him as more than friends, then do nothing.
I am confused about the feelings of one of my friends. He has just recently started going out with a new girl, but some things he does leaves me unsure how he feels towards me. For instance, when we are talking in a group, he talks usually directly to me, staring into my eyes. When we are out dancing he dances with me at least as much as he does with his new girlfriend. He calls me every day, and text messages me as well. He begins to act weirdly when I mention other guys, he notices every time I wear a new outfit or if I am having a 'good hair day', he stands and sits very close to me, he will walk and talk with me and leave his girlfriend walking with our other friends, who she doesn't know very well, yet he does talk about her occasionally, the list goes on and on. What is up with his behaviour? I don't understand why he acts like this when he has a girlfriend. And if he does like me why wouldn't he just tell me?
VictorM's answer:
Yeah, he likes you but what encouragement does he get from you? My guess is that he thinks you don't feel for him the way he feels for you, so at least he's trying to go on with his life, hence the girlfriend. He will NOT say anything to you about his feelings towards you because even a 1% chance of rejection would be a catastrophe and at least as things are he gets to enjoy your company.
Also, in "guy logic", getting a girlfriend and mentioning her to you could be designed to provoke a reaction from you so he can gauge weather you like him or not. He'll dump her in a heartbeat for you.
If you like him too my advice is for you to make that abundantly clear to him (no little hints; guys get no hints). And to stop talking about other guys in front of him. If you don't like him as more than friends, then do nothing.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Financial imbalance
steffie, 17, from new york asks:
Do guys honestly think in terms of "I'm not good enough for her?" Like a guy I know said that lots of guys think that they are not good enough for me because they come from financially much poorer backgrounds than me. Is this true or not? Because it seems really dumb.
VictorM's answer:
It may be dumb but it's totally true. It's ingrained in guys' collective gene pool to be the providers. If guys are poorer than you and feel they can't provide a life style that you're used to, they will be intimidated. Your guy friend is totally correct.
But it's not as dumb as it sounds. People generally are attracted to other people that are like them about things like: social status, economic status, religion, height, weight, intelligence, looks, etc. Everyone has some leeway about these dating parameters, but I'd say the major ones to guys are economic and height imbalance. In some cultures more than others, social status imbalance is major too.
Do guys honestly think in terms of "I'm not good enough for her?" Like a guy I know said that lots of guys think that they are not good enough for me because they come from financially much poorer backgrounds than me. Is this true or not? Because it seems really dumb.
VictorM's answer:
It may be dumb but it's totally true. It's ingrained in guys' collective gene pool to be the providers. If guys are poorer than you and feel they can't provide a life style that you're used to, they will be intimidated. Your guy friend is totally correct.
But it's not as dumb as it sounds. People generally are attracted to other people that are like them about things like: social status, economic status, religion, height, weight, intelligence, looks, etc. Everyone has some leeway about these dating parameters, but I'd say the major ones to guys are economic and height imbalance. In some cultures more than others, social status imbalance is major too.
He keeps putting off a proposal
Anon, 24, from Doncaster asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years, and we've been living together for 3 years, he is the same age as me. The trouble is that I want to get married and start a family, and I'm not that sure that he does. To be honest I knew that he was the one for me from the very beginning and would have married him straight away if he asked! However he was reluctant to move in with me so early in our relationship, but the past three years have been great. We have talked about marriage, and he says that he wants to marry me but not yet. I have been trying to show him that I can be the perfect wife, cooking, cleaning attending to his every need etc...but he keeps putting off a proposal. First he said that he would propose once we have been together for a couple of years, the he said when I finish at Uni. Now I have finished a three year course and he says that he wants to wait until we have bought a house. I feel like he is the one for me, but as I am 25 this year I don't know how long he expects me to wait. I feel that I am going to have to decide if I am happy to just carry on like this - or if he really is stringing me along I should cut my losses. Do you think that he will ever propose? He wants to have kids and the whole happy family - but he keeps putting things off - and we're both not getting any younger. Mine and his friends are all engaged/married and have even started to ask him why he hasn't popped the question, my mum is even hinting if she will ever be a grandma. I just don't know what else to do. If I give him an ultimatum he will say that I can't love him that much to stick with him - and I don't want to lose him - just the opposite. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he shouldn't have been promising to get married, but I don't see the big deal with waiting -- you're still so young. Having said that, are his actions common sense or cold feet? It's not unusual for guys to: 1) not be in a rush to wed even if they are happy; and 2) to want to have their finances in older to make sure they are good providers. So, what to do?
Focus on this: "the past three years have been great" and this: "I feel like he is the one for me." Do you know how many girls today can say that? Not many. While the delays could be indicative of a problem, he's still very young and his reluctance, from a guy's point of view, is justified. Please keep in mind that marriage is not as sacred to guys as it is to girls. Plus, he seems to be the cautious type, being reluctant to move in with you too soon. But where do you draw the line and give him that ultimatum? I wish I knew, but I don't know. At some point, you will have to. Maybe the "3 strikes and you're out" kinda thing.
The one thing I know is that you should tell you mom to stay out of this. Her selfishness isn't helping.
You may want to discuss the buying the house before marriage idea with a lawyer. There are a lot of legal issues with that picture. Being married first and then buying a house makes more sense to me because legally you're on solid ground as a married couple.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years, and we've been living together for 3 years, he is the same age as me. The trouble is that I want to get married and start a family, and I'm not that sure that he does. To be honest I knew that he was the one for me from the very beginning and would have married him straight away if he asked! However he was reluctant to move in with me so early in our relationship, but the past three years have been great. We have talked about marriage, and he says that he wants to marry me but not yet. I have been trying to show him that I can be the perfect wife, cooking, cleaning attending to his every need etc...but he keeps putting off a proposal. First he said that he would propose once we have been together for a couple of years, the he said when I finish at Uni. Now I have finished a three year course and he says that he wants to wait until we have bought a house. I feel like he is the one for me, but as I am 25 this year I don't know how long he expects me to wait. I feel that I am going to have to decide if I am happy to just carry on like this - or if he really is stringing me along I should cut my losses. Do you think that he will ever propose? He wants to have kids and the whole happy family - but he keeps putting things off - and we're both not getting any younger. Mine and his friends are all engaged/married and have even started to ask him why he hasn't popped the question, my mum is even hinting if she will ever be a grandma. I just don't know what else to do. If I give him an ultimatum he will say that I can't love him that much to stick with him - and I don't want to lose him - just the opposite. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he shouldn't have been promising to get married, but I don't see the big deal with waiting -- you're still so young. Having said that, are his actions common sense or cold feet? It's not unusual for guys to: 1) not be in a rush to wed even if they are happy; and 2) to want to have their finances in older to make sure they are good providers. So, what to do?
Focus on this: "the past three years have been great" and this: "I feel like he is the one for me." Do you know how many girls today can say that? Not many. While the delays could be indicative of a problem, he's still very young and his reluctance, from a guy's point of view, is justified. Please keep in mind that marriage is not as sacred to guys as it is to girls. Plus, he seems to be the cautious type, being reluctant to move in with you too soon. But where do you draw the line and give him that ultimatum? I wish I knew, but I don't know. At some point, you will have to. Maybe the "3 strikes and you're out" kinda thing.
The one thing I know is that you should tell you mom to stay out of this. Her selfishness isn't helping.
You may want to discuss the buying the house before marriage idea with a lawyer. There are a lot of legal issues with that picture. Being married first and then buying a house makes more sense to me because legally you're on solid ground as a married couple.
Friday, April 28, 2006
He's pushy, accuses me of incest, but...I LOVE HIM
nicky, 18, from buffalo, NY asks:
Alright, listen to this- I been going out with this guy for 1 1/2 yr. He was/is very pushy and keeps accusing me of cheating on him with his friends and my own cousins!!! yuck! He gets mad at me for no reason and when I ask him why, he hangs up on me... But I don't wanna break up with him... I love him a lot.
VictorM's answer:
It would be inappropriate for me to kick any 18 year old girl's ass, even if only virtually or figuratively. So, please, will someone else do it for me? Lee? Tara? Baby? Anybody?!
Alright, listen to this- I been going out with this guy for 1 1/2 yr. He was/is very pushy and keeps accusing me of cheating on him with his friends and my own cousins!!! yuck! He gets mad at me for no reason and when I ask him why, he hangs up on me... But I don't wanna break up with him... I love him a lot.
VictorM's answer:
It would be inappropriate for me to kick any 18 year old girl's ass, even if only virtually or figuratively. So, please, will someone else do it for me? Lee? Tara? Baby? Anybody?!
Why'd ya break up
suesun, 36, from Georgia asks:
I am recently divorced after ten years. It's pretty complicated and it was painful. Dating again I am wondering how to answer the question "Why'd ya break up?" Is it better to just keep it short and simple than to do a blow by blow of the last years of a relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT answer that question.
First, it's virtually impossible to put into words all the events and emotions that lead to a breakup. Second, it's emotionally quite taxing to talk about it unless you're ready to. Third, I says something negative about a guy who asks that question... it strikes me as too intrusive, too nosy, too judgmental. Fourth, it's really none of anyone else's business until you elect to make it so. At some point, you may feel like talking about it, but it should happen on your own terms, when you're ready.
So what to answer, short of walking out on such guy? How about what you told me: "It's pretty complicated and it was painful" and add, "I'd rather not talk about it." If he gets turned off, good for you -- you've found a way to identify a guy who lacks manners and sensitivity.
Besides, anyone too bent on the past more than on the future is likely to make a poor mate.
I am recently divorced after ten years. It's pretty complicated and it was painful. Dating again I am wondering how to answer the question "Why'd ya break up?" Is it better to just keep it short and simple than to do a blow by blow of the last years of a relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT answer that question.
First, it's virtually impossible to put into words all the events and emotions that lead to a breakup. Second, it's emotionally quite taxing to talk about it unless you're ready to. Third, I says something negative about a guy who asks that question... it strikes me as too intrusive, too nosy, too judgmental. Fourth, it's really none of anyone else's business until you elect to make it so. At some point, you may feel like talking about it, but it should happen on your own terms, when you're ready.
So what to answer, short of walking out on such guy? How about what you told me: "It's pretty complicated and it was painful" and add, "I'd rather not talk about it." If he gets turned off, good for you -- you've found a way to identify a guy who lacks manners and sensitivity.
Besides, anyone too bent on the past more than on the future is likely to make a poor mate.
I would like to know him better
Sara, 19, from England asks:
There's this cute guy that is a friend of one of my friends. I have only met him once or twice and never really spoken to him. However, I would like to get to know him better. How do I do this without making it obvious, and without seeming desperate? I don't really want my friend to know that I am overly interested either because I would just rather see where it goes. What do you suggest?
VictorM's advice:
Find out something about him that he's passionate about or knows a lot about, and ask him questions about that subject. Guys love to show off and this way you'll get to know him a little better under cover of wanting to learn more about a subject. In the process, you'll either connect with him or you won't.
Besides, if you show interest in something he loves/knows a lot about, your odds of him wanting to spend time with you increase dramatically.
There's this cute guy that is a friend of one of my friends. I have only met him once or twice and never really spoken to him. However, I would like to get to know him better. How do I do this without making it obvious, and without seeming desperate? I don't really want my friend to know that I am overly interested either because I would just rather see where it goes. What do you suggest?
VictorM's advice:
Find out something about him that he's passionate about or knows a lot about, and ask him questions about that subject. Guys love to show off and this way you'll get to know him a little better under cover of wanting to learn more about a subject. In the process, you'll either connect with him or you won't.
Besides, if you show interest in something he loves/knows a lot about, your odds of him wanting to spend time with you increase dramatically.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Sitting alphabet
Brett, 23, from Hawaii asks:
I work in dinner theatre, and for the past six months we've been working on a production of "Peter Pan". For one scene, the director blocked me auspiciously seated in my crush's lap. The position in which he sat was originally a "v". After spring break it turned into a "p" and if I so much as accidentally touch his left leg it hops up as well. I was on iVillage one day and by curiosity I found the "18 Body Language Clues He's Interested"- it turns out the lad has done all but two on that list (lending coat and rolling pop can) and plus, he gazes at me incredibly. I believe, though, I want to hear it from you, that the sexual tension can be cut with a knife. It's just, what do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Sit like a "u" when he sits like a "v", and like a "c" to his "p".
Seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about.
I work in dinner theatre, and for the past six months we've been working on a production of "Peter Pan". For one scene, the director blocked me auspiciously seated in my crush's lap. The position in which he sat was originally a "v". After spring break it turned into a "p" and if I so much as accidentally touch his left leg it hops up as well. I was on iVillage one day and by curiosity I found the "18 Body Language Clues He's Interested"- it turns out the lad has done all but two on that list (lending coat and rolling pop can) and plus, he gazes at me incredibly. I believe, though, I want to hear it from you, that the sexual tension can be cut with a knife. It's just, what do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Sit like a "u" when he sits like a "v", and like a "c" to his "p".
Seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Sex too soon
Samantha, 21, from Philadelphia asks:
The guy I'm hooking up with for about a month broke up with his long-term girlfriend about 3 months ago. We've been hooking up for about a month, but we've established that it's more than hooking up. We're exclusive, but we're not boyfriend/girlfriend. Last night he told me that he thinks that we had sex too soon (we had sex for the first time last week) because he thought that it would take the relationship to the next level of commitment that he's not ready for. I hadn't been thinking that, but we talked for a while, and then ended up having sex anyway. What does that mean?
VictorM's answer:
OK, let me get this straight. You had sex with him after about three weeks and you're not even boyfriend/girlfriend. But you're exclusive. What the heck does that mean, you're exclusive? Let me take a guess: you screw each other but not others. Right? So, to put it plainly, you're his fuck buddy.
Well, it's a safe bet that most guys do not want to get serious with fuck buddies; they serve only one purpose.
So, what this all means is he's getting ready to find a serious girlfriend, and you're not it.
The guy I'm hooking up with for about a month broke up with his long-term girlfriend about 3 months ago. We've been hooking up for about a month, but we've established that it's more than hooking up. We're exclusive, but we're not boyfriend/girlfriend. Last night he told me that he thinks that we had sex too soon (we had sex for the first time last week) because he thought that it would take the relationship to the next level of commitment that he's not ready for. I hadn't been thinking that, but we talked for a while, and then ended up having sex anyway. What does that mean?
VictorM's answer:
OK, let me get this straight. You had sex with him after about three weeks and you're not even boyfriend/girlfriend. But you're exclusive. What the heck does that mean, you're exclusive? Let me take a guess: you screw each other but not others. Right? So, to put it plainly, you're his fuck buddy.
Well, it's a safe bet that most guys do not want to get serious with fuck buddies; they serve only one purpose.
So, what this all means is he's getting ready to find a serious girlfriend, and you're not it.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
What do I say to him?
sydny, 18, from canada asks:
I have this crush on a guy who I have only talked to once a few months ago and I really like him. I added him om msn, however, he never came on. I was hoping that I could talk to him a bit (at least on msn since I never see him at school) before telling him that I like him, but I guess that won't be happening since I've been trying to do so for over a damn month! Aaanyway, now I'm feeling really horrible about waiting (I mean, what if he doesnt remember me?) aaanyway, now that school is over, I want to send him an e-mail (before it's too late :( ), but.. I have no clue what to say. Please, tell me, what would a guy like to hear in an e-mail? What do I write? How do I tell him? I reeeally need your help. I'm desperate!
VictorM's advice:
A few days ago I made a post in the Singles Center blog called "Say Anything". This is actually one of those cases where saying anyting works because nothing you say will fail as much as saying nothing.
He may have no interest in you, but any guy will feel great if any girl says something nice about him. Don't say you have a crush on him, but almost any compliment about him would do. Something as simple as:
"I met you a few months ago and you seemed like the *fill in something here like "cool", "sharp", "funniest", etc* kinda guy (make the compliment a sincere one). I've been hoping to run into you again, but you vanished. How about meeting for ice cream?
If you make it short, make it sincere, and make him feel good about himself, he won't resist you.
Let us know how it turned out. We're suckers for soap opera stuff like this. :)
I have this crush on a guy who I have only talked to once a few months ago and I really like him. I added him om msn, however, he never came on. I was hoping that I could talk to him a bit (at least on msn since I never see him at school) before telling him that I like him, but I guess that won't be happening since I've been trying to do so for over a damn month! Aaanyway, now I'm feeling really horrible about waiting (I mean, what if he doesnt remember me?) aaanyway, now that school is over, I want to send him an e-mail (before it's too late :( ), but.. I have no clue what to say. Please, tell me, what would a guy like to hear in an e-mail? What do I write? How do I tell him? I reeeally need your help. I'm desperate!
VictorM's advice:
A few days ago I made a post in the Singles Center blog called "Say Anything". This is actually one of those cases where saying anyting works because nothing you say will fail as much as saying nothing.
He may have no interest in you, but any guy will feel great if any girl says something nice about him. Don't say you have a crush on him, but almost any compliment about him would do. Something as simple as:
"I met you a few months ago and you seemed like the *fill in something here like "cool", "sharp", "funniest", etc* kinda guy (make the compliment a sincere one). I've been hoping to run into you again, but you vanished. How about meeting for ice cream?
If you make it short, make it sincere, and make him feel good about himself, he won't resist you.
Let us know how it turned out. We're suckers for soap opera stuff like this. :)
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Mind games, part 2
leigh, 28, from va asks:
Why do men play mind games? Why do they make you feel something that isn't true? To me that is like that they want to hurt peoples feelings, which is mean. This is actually part of my other post but I could not get to add to it. sorry. So if I spooked him then why can't he just be honest instead of playing mind games. Thanks for the info.
VictorM's answer:
Honesty can be quite mean. Most of us balance the truth in ways to prevent hurting people's feelings. Walking up to a girl and telling her things like "You bore me", or "your love making sucks", or "you're irritating to me" could very well be the truth, but most guys -- and most girls -- would not want to do that. So instead, we camouflage our feelings with things like "You're too good for me", "We're good together but this isn't the right time", "You're the type to get serious about and I'm not ready to get serious right now", etc.
These are not mind-games; they're just white lies intended to minimize hurt.
Why do men play mind games? Why do they make you feel something that isn't true? To me that is like that they want to hurt peoples feelings, which is mean. This is actually part of my other post but I could not get to add to it. sorry. So if I spooked him then why can't he just be honest instead of playing mind games. Thanks for the info.
VictorM's answer:
Honesty can be quite mean. Most of us balance the truth in ways to prevent hurting people's feelings. Walking up to a girl and telling her things like "You bore me", or "your love making sucks", or "you're irritating to me" could very well be the truth, but most guys -- and most girls -- would not want to do that. So instead, we camouflage our feelings with things like "You're too good for me", "We're good together but this isn't the right time", "You're the type to get serious about and I'm not ready to get serious right now", etc.
These are not mind-games; they're just white lies intended to minimize hurt.
Why does he keep coming back?
jay, 30, from baltimore asks:
I have a guy friend and got involved with him in a 'friends with benefits' kind of thing that lasted for 9 months. However, few months ago, I told him that we need to stop this because I would like to be in a relationship with a potential husband who is living miles away from me. He agreed and respected my request, however, few weeks after that serious conversation of stopping our affair, he keeps calling or texting me again. He wanted to see me again but I tried to avoid him by giving him alibis. But, he has been insistent now and sometimes would call me but he would already be in my apartment door. I got no choice but to let him in. He is very smart, good-looking, fun, single but with 2 kids. I am single too. We have fun whenever we are together, we are on the same field of interest (nursing), no-dull-moments, but I couldn't see myself being with him in a serious relationship. My question is, why does he keep on coming back? I'm just curious, I don't have the courage to ask him. Why can't he keep his promise to leave me alone? I never call him. He is the one who initiates calls/texts. What is going on?
VictorM's answer:
Why does he keep coming back? Let me count the ways...
-- "We have fun whenever we are together, we are on the same field of interest (nursing), no-dull-moments." Why would he want to pass that up?
-- "I got no choice but to let him in." Of course you had a choice. But he knows you'd let him in.
-- "I am single too". Despite everything else you told him, you're still available, and willing.
-- "I tried to avoid him by giving him alibis". He knows you can't bring yourself to simply say NO. You have to be making up excuses. That makes you sound weak.
-- Lastly, this leads to the point I make most often on this blog: you are now a challenge! Guys love challenges and the moment you told him you didn't want to be doing this, you became a game worth playing. And he's winning.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have a guy friend and got involved with him in a 'friends with benefits' kind of thing that lasted for 9 months. However, few months ago, I told him that we need to stop this because I would like to be in a relationship with a potential husband who is living miles away from me. He agreed and respected my request, however, few weeks after that serious conversation of stopping our affair, he keeps calling or texting me again. He wanted to see me again but I tried to avoid him by giving him alibis. But, he has been insistent now and sometimes would call me but he would already be in my apartment door. I got no choice but to let him in. He is very smart, good-looking, fun, single but with 2 kids. I am single too. We have fun whenever we are together, we are on the same field of interest (nursing), no-dull-moments, but I couldn't see myself being with him in a serious relationship. My question is, why does he keep on coming back? I'm just curious, I don't have the courage to ask him. Why can't he keep his promise to leave me alone? I never call him. He is the one who initiates calls/texts. What is going on?
VictorM's answer:
Why does he keep coming back? Let me count the ways...
-- "We have fun whenever we are together, we are on the same field of interest (nursing), no-dull-moments." Why would he want to pass that up?
-- "I got no choice but to let him in." Of course you had a choice. But he knows you'd let him in.
-- "I am single too". Despite everything else you told him, you're still available, and willing.
-- "I tried to avoid him by giving him alibis". He knows you can't bring yourself to simply say NO. You have to be making up excuses. That makes you sound weak.
-- Lastly, this leads to the point I make most often on this blog: you are now a challenge! Guys love challenges and the moment you told him you didn't want to be doing this, you became a game worth playing. And he's winning.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, April 24, 2006
Why does he lie?
Amber, 21, from Riverside asks:
Why does my baby's daddy feel he has to lie to me? If he told me the truth I wouldn't get mad.
VictorM's advice:
Don't lie. Of course you'd be mad if he told the truth.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why does my baby's daddy feel he has to lie to me? If he told me the truth I wouldn't get mad.
VictorM's advice:
Don't lie. Of course you'd be mad if he told the truth.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
In love with my best friend
acer, 25, from northants asks:
I think I'm in love with my best friend. I have known her now for about 8 years and I love being around her. I miss her when she is not there and I would do anything for her. Sometimes I get upset about it and I get jealous of her getting attention from blokes. I think she is great and I want to tell her. I think she sort of knows in a way but I'm scared to ask her out. Please help, thanx.
VictorM's advice:
We're not talking about teenagers here. You're 25. You "think" you're in love with her? You're "scared to ask her out"? If you're going to be so cautious in your life, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about it. Get a nanny and hide in a cave somewhere.
Love is risk. Love requires bold action. If it's not work or pain, it's not love. So, either go for it and ask her no matter how hard it is, or stop saying you're in love.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I think I'm in love with my best friend. I have known her now for about 8 years and I love being around her. I miss her when she is not there and I would do anything for her. Sometimes I get upset about it and I get jealous of her getting attention from blokes. I think she is great and I want to tell her. I think she sort of knows in a way but I'm scared to ask her out. Please help, thanx.
VictorM's advice:
We're not talking about teenagers here. You're 25. You "think" you're in love with her? You're "scared to ask her out"? If you're going to be so cautious in your life, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about it. Get a nanny and hide in a cave somewhere.
Love is risk. Love requires bold action. If it's not work or pain, it's not love. So, either go for it and ask her no matter how hard it is, or stop saying you're in love.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Giving me the silent treatment
nicole, 18, from enfield ct asks:
Me and this guy went out to the movies. Everything was great. Then he said we should go again after I had a discussion saying either we are going out or not. He said it wasn't really a date. Then he avoided the next date and since then he's been fighting with me, avoiding, ignoring me, giving me the silent treatment. He won't tell me anything. It makes me crazy to keep wondering what happened.
VictorM's advice:
Nothing happened! That's the problem. "Nothing" as in, he felt nothing being with you. Let it go.
He's into not you. How much more clearly does he have to make it?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and this guy went out to the movies. Everything was great. Then he said we should go again after I had a discussion saying either we are going out or not. He said it wasn't really a date. Then he avoided the next date and since then he's been fighting with me, avoiding, ignoring me, giving me the silent treatment. He won't tell me anything. It makes me crazy to keep wondering what happened.
VictorM's advice:
Nothing happened! That's the problem. "Nothing" as in, he felt nothing being with you. Let it go.
He's into not you. How much more clearly does he have to make it?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, April 22, 2006
He wouldn't shake my hand
Samantha, 16, from England asks:
There is this guy who I know but whenever we are around people he does talk to me so I'm not left out, touches me etc, but for example, when we went to play sports, he wouldn't shake my hand after the game finished, but he'd shake other people's hand. Why couldn't he shake my hand? It got me really angry but he said he was only joking. I didn't believe that, but before I left I gave him a hug to show no hard feelings as I don't like to hold grudges with people. Can you tell me why he acts like this. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, I can tell you why. Because he likes you and he's a 16 year old dork. :)
He wants your attention. And admit it, he's gotten it. Why is he getting your attention this way? Well, fear of rejection is one reason. By not appearing to like you, he's not ridiculed or hurt if you turn him down. Being difficult with you gives him the easy out to say that he never liked you anyway. That's a 16 year old boy for you. Well... OK, that's an insecure and childish male for you.
So, the short answer then is: he likes you but is too insecure to admit it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
There is this guy who I know but whenever we are around people he does talk to me so I'm not left out, touches me etc, but for example, when we went to play sports, he wouldn't shake my hand after the game finished, but he'd shake other people's hand. Why couldn't he shake my hand? It got me really angry but he said he was only joking. I didn't believe that, but before I left I gave him a hug to show no hard feelings as I don't like to hold grudges with people. Can you tell me why he acts like this. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, I can tell you why. Because he likes you and he's a 16 year old dork. :)
He wants your attention. And admit it, he's gotten it. Why is he getting your attention this way? Well, fear of rejection is one reason. By not appearing to like you, he's not ridiculed or hurt if you turn him down. Being difficult with you gives him the easy out to say that he never liked you anyway. That's a 16 year old boy for you. Well... OK, that's an insecure and childish male for you.
So, the short answer then is: he likes you but is too insecure to admit it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Suffocating fiance
Brenda, 29, from Vermont asks:
My fiancé is a caring, smart, cute, all around great guy. I'm very lucky to have him. The thing is, I am having some trouble thinking in terms of "us" rather than me and him. I still figure out what I want to do, and if he wants to come, great. I think I've made him feel insecure about the relationship because when we're home together he follows me around or asks me why I'm running away when I leave the room to go to the bathroom, or into my study to work. How can I reassure him (even though he's right-- all this suffocating me is making me question the relationship)?
VictorM's advice:
Don't give up and don't give in! You have it right. Relationships between two people who are happy doing their own thing are better.
Don't worry too much about his insecurity. It's not altogether a bad thing because guys are too quick to get lazy in relationships they feel too secure in. But I understand your concern with the suffocating behavior. I suggest you make a point to kiss him, touch him, hug him, say you love him... anything like that before you step away. Don't make it too mushy or too long but do make a quick gesture that let's him know you haven't forgotten him.
Somehow, sometime, he needs to find out about the importance of having interests that don't always include you. Find him a book or some article that says that -- there are plenty. Encourage him to play golf, or bowling, or whatever, with his buddies.
If he could reach the same level of maturity that you've reached, and if you two can synchronize your "alone time" so that your time together is "quality time", you could have it made.
If he's the nice guy that you say he is, don't give up -- he's worth working on and with.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My fiancé is a caring, smart, cute, all around great guy. I'm very lucky to have him. The thing is, I am having some trouble thinking in terms of "us" rather than me and him. I still figure out what I want to do, and if he wants to come, great. I think I've made him feel insecure about the relationship because when we're home together he follows me around or asks me why I'm running away when I leave the room to go to the bathroom, or into my study to work. How can I reassure him (even though he's right-- all this suffocating me is making me question the relationship)?
VictorM's advice:
Don't give up and don't give in! You have it right. Relationships between two people who are happy doing their own thing are better.
Don't worry too much about his insecurity. It's not altogether a bad thing because guys are too quick to get lazy in relationships they feel too secure in. But I understand your concern with the suffocating behavior. I suggest you make a point to kiss him, touch him, hug him, say you love him... anything like that before you step away. Don't make it too mushy or too long but do make a quick gesture that let's him know you haven't forgotten him.
Somehow, sometime, he needs to find out about the importance of having interests that don't always include you. Find him a book or some article that says that -- there are plenty. Encourage him to play golf, or bowling, or whatever, with his buddies.
If he could reach the same level of maturity that you've reached, and if you two can synchronize your "alone time" so that your time together is "quality time", you could have it made.
If he's the nice guy that you say he is, don't give up -- he's worth working on and with.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, April 21, 2006
We never can agree on anything
Danielle, 21, from New Jersey asks:
Me and my fiance have been dating for almost 2 years and we have a 9 month old baby and we have been engaged for a month and having crazy communication problems. We never can agree on anything.
VictorM's advice:
Cool. Then you're ready for marriage.
Sorry, that's cruel but I couldn't resist. :-p
OK, well, based on your age and situation (small baby and marriage looming) things can get pretty hectic and freaky. Maybe pressure is getting to him, or you, or both of you.
Guys, more than girls, sweat these big responsibilities because it's in our genes to be the providers. So his behavior could be just pressure. Chances are that you can cope with all of this better than him because, well, most guys are children until they turn 79.
Be the adult one and ease off. Give him room to breath. Give him a nice back rub once in a while. Remind him that you love him (maybe the baby is getting all the attention from you that he used to get?) Think about that.
And get a second pacifier in case he needs one.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and my fiance have been dating for almost 2 years and we have a 9 month old baby and we have been engaged for a month and having crazy communication problems. We never can agree on anything.
VictorM's advice:
Cool. Then you're ready for marriage.
Sorry, that's cruel but I couldn't resist. :-p
OK, well, based on your age and situation (small baby and marriage looming) things can get pretty hectic and freaky. Maybe pressure is getting to him, or you, or both of you.
Guys, more than girls, sweat these big responsibilities because it's in our genes to be the providers. So his behavior could be just pressure. Chances are that you can cope with all of this better than him because, well, most guys are children until they turn 79.
Be the adult one and ease off. Give him room to breath. Give him a nice back rub once in a while. Remind him that you love him (maybe the baby is getting all the attention from you that he used to get?) Think about that.
And get a second pacifier in case he needs one.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He showed me his new tattoo
Lindsey, 21, from Arizona asks:
My boyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago, he said we were good together just not the right time. I found out that he is working a lot and when he's around me like yesterday, he still gets shy. It was him and my two cousins and I hanging out for Easter but he barely spoke, though he looked over to me, he said hello and showed me his new tattoo. Online we were talking also even after we broke up, but now it seems he's avoiding me online. But when we broke up he didn't seem to want to in a way, I brought it up that he would say he will call me and then he wouldn't, he told me because he "forgot", so I asked him twice about it and he said we both lost interest, but I told him I didn't. We are both shy people, but he asked me if we can still be friends, I said yes, but I don't know if i should wait for him to talk to me first or should I continue talking to him first? Even my cousin said its good for us to be friends first because we both are really shy around each other, but should I just leave him alone completely? In a way I want to ask him if we can try again being together, but first I want to talk with him as friends but I'm afraid I'll chase him away if I keep talking to him first on the aim. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
The fat lady sung already -- it's all over between you two. The signs are everywhere, you're just refusing to see them: "good together just not the right time" that's code word for life is boring between us. "showed me his new tattoo" a huge sign that he's out doing things on his own (perhaps to impress someone else). "when we broke up he didn't seem to want to"... "seem" being the operative word here -- you're wrong, he wanted to. He didn't "forget" to call you, he doesn't want to call you.
Don't be friends! I don't mean you should be enemies, but don't look to him for friendship. It's just going to break your heart because he already has a new girl, or soon will have one, and I don't think it'll be fun for you to be around then. Fooling yourself into believing you can bring him back to you is a waste of time. I'm not saying it's not possible that he'll come back to you; yes, it's remotely possible, but it will only happen so if you show determination in forging ahead with your own life, finding happiness elsewhere.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago, he said we were good together just not the right time. I found out that he is working a lot and when he's around me like yesterday, he still gets shy. It was him and my two cousins and I hanging out for Easter but he barely spoke, though he looked over to me, he said hello and showed me his new tattoo. Online we were talking also even after we broke up, but now it seems he's avoiding me online. But when we broke up he didn't seem to want to in a way, I brought it up that he would say he will call me and then he wouldn't, he told me because he "forgot", so I asked him twice about it and he said we both lost interest, but I told him I didn't. We are both shy people, but he asked me if we can still be friends, I said yes, but I don't know if i should wait for him to talk to me first or should I continue talking to him first? Even my cousin said its good for us to be friends first because we both are really shy around each other, but should I just leave him alone completely? In a way I want to ask him if we can try again being together, but first I want to talk with him as friends but I'm afraid I'll chase him away if I keep talking to him first on the aim. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
The fat lady sung already -- it's all over between you two. The signs are everywhere, you're just refusing to see them: "good together just not the right time" that's code word for life is boring between us. "showed me his new tattoo" a huge sign that he's out doing things on his own (perhaps to impress someone else). "when we broke up he didn't seem to want to"... "seem" being the operative word here -- you're wrong, he wanted to. He didn't "forget" to call you, he doesn't want to call you.
Don't be friends! I don't mean you should be enemies, but don't look to him for friendship. It's just going to break your heart because he already has a new girl, or soon will have one, and I don't think it'll be fun for you to be around then. Fooling yourself into believing you can bring him back to you is a waste of time. I'm not saying it's not possible that he'll come back to you; yes, it's remotely possible, but it will only happen so if you show determination in forging ahead with your own life, finding happiness elsewhere.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Never had a boyfriend
dest, 15, asks:
I've never had a boyfriend and I'm 15... but it's really strange because guys tell me all the time that I'm pretty and have a great personality and that I would be like the perfect girlfriend. The only thing is that I liked my one friend last year and found out that he liked me back after school was over. He told my brother that he liked me and my brother said that he should tell me but he was afraid that I wouldn't like him back...but he's the type of guy who can ask out a girl without feeling nervous at all... he said that I was just so different... is there something wrong with me??
VictorM's advice:
Not having a boyfriend at 15 is nothing. It happens all the time. You just don't know how lucky you are. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with you. Based on what you told me, the opposite may be true -- everything is right with you. Let me explain.
Guys generally take chances with girls they sorta like or feel so-so about, but they worry a lot more about a girl who is perfect, so they shy away from her and take chances with girls they won't mind so much if they hurt their feelings. This applies to the guy that liked you. He has no problems asking other girls out because he was probably only interested in their looks, or scoring points with the guys, or some other silly stuff like that. You, however, are probably the kind of girl guys dream about as the perfect girlfriend, but that's a bit scary thought if you're a 15 year old boy.
Don't change a thing about yourself -- you're probably a great catch. All that you're missing out for now are the hassles of dating jerks (because boys at this age are seldom serious). If you're all that these boys say you are, you're going to have to dish out plenty of rejection in the years ahead because as boys get older and more courageous, they will flock to you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've never had a boyfriend and I'm 15... but it's really strange because guys tell me all the time that I'm pretty and have a great personality and that I would be like the perfect girlfriend. The only thing is that I liked my one friend last year and found out that he liked me back after school was over. He told my brother that he liked me and my brother said that he should tell me but he was afraid that I wouldn't like him back...but he's the type of guy who can ask out a girl without feeling nervous at all... he said that I was just so different... is there something wrong with me??
VictorM's advice:
Not having a boyfriend at 15 is nothing. It happens all the time. You just don't know how lucky you are. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with you. Based on what you told me, the opposite may be true -- everything is right with you. Let me explain.
Guys generally take chances with girls they sorta like or feel so-so about, but they worry a lot more about a girl who is perfect, so they shy away from her and take chances with girls they won't mind so much if they hurt their feelings. This applies to the guy that liked you. He has no problems asking other girls out because he was probably only interested in their looks, or scoring points with the guys, or some other silly stuff like that. You, however, are probably the kind of girl guys dream about as the perfect girlfriend, but that's a bit scary thought if you're a 15 year old boy.
Don't change a thing about yourself -- you're probably a great catch. All that you're missing out for now are the hassles of dating jerks (because boys at this age are seldom serious). If you're all that these boys say you are, you're going to have to dish out plenty of rejection in the years ahead because as boys get older and more courageous, they will flock to you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Acting really strangely
Destiny, 15, asks:
My guy friend has been acting really strangely lately. He has been so quiet around me but still says hi to me in the halls and sometimes will touch my arm or hand. I really like him and he was the only one that I told about my grandfather dying...and he gave me his phone number to call him but I never got up the courage to call him. We used to talk all the time on MSN but now we barely ever talk...and the other day I sat beside him in one of my classes and he barely said two words to me. And then for the rest of the day he didn't say hi to me or anything in the halls, but would give eye contact and then look away. He always looks into my eyes when I'm talking to him as well. What do you think?
VictorM's answer:
My guess is that once he gave you his phone number and you didn't call he figured you weren't interested in him. So, in part he may be acting this way because you never called. Also, he could be giving you the cold shoulder to get your attention. And it has worked -- you've noticed. So the question is, what next?
You can say you lost his number, ask for it again, and this time call him. This might jump start your friendship again.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My guy friend has been acting really strangely lately. He has been so quiet around me but still says hi to me in the halls and sometimes will touch my arm or hand. I really like him and he was the only one that I told about my grandfather dying...and he gave me his phone number to call him but I never got up the courage to call him. We used to talk all the time on MSN but now we barely ever talk...and the other day I sat beside him in one of my classes and he barely said two words to me. And then for the rest of the day he didn't say hi to me or anything in the halls, but would give eye contact and then look away. He always looks into my eyes when I'm talking to him as well. What do you think?
VictorM's answer:
My guess is that once he gave you his phone number and you didn't call he figured you weren't interested in him. So, in part he may be acting this way because you never called. Also, he could be giving you the cold shoulder to get your attention. And it has worked -- you've noticed. So the question is, what next?
You can say you lost his number, ask for it again, and this time call him. This might jump start your friendship again.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Flirty friends
leigh, 28, from va. asks:
I have this friend for about 4 years. Recently he has seemed to flirt with me. Then when I asked him right out he tells me he doesn't want anything serious. I would only be someone he could be serious with. So it hurt my feelings and I didn't talk to him for over a week and I called today and he won't answer. What is wrong with him or is it something wrong with me? For your advice only, we have only flirted nothing else. Please help me. I really have no idea why he acts one way and then tells me something else. Thanks a lot.
VictorM's advice:
He was working his way along the conquest ladder, flirting with you, going at a leisurely pace. But then you popped the question and that cooled him off. In essence, you spoiled the moment. He wasn't ready to be in a relationship, just ready to flirt and have some mindless fun. Now, he's running a bit scared that you want something that he's not ready for.
My advice is to back off and let him be the chaser. Don't call him at home. When you talk to him, don't even remind him of the question you asked. Just pretend nothing happened and be a friend, enjoy his company, have fun.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
I have this friend for about 4 years. Recently he has seemed to flirt with me. Then when I asked him right out he tells me he doesn't want anything serious. I would only be someone he could be serious with. So it hurt my feelings and I didn't talk to him for over a week and I called today and he won't answer. What is wrong with him or is it something wrong with me? For your advice only, we have only flirted nothing else. Please help me. I really have no idea why he acts one way and then tells me something else. Thanks a lot.
VictorM's advice:
He was working his way along the conquest ladder, flirting with you, going at a leisurely pace. But then you popped the question and that cooled him off. In essence, you spoiled the moment. He wasn't ready to be in a relationship, just ready to flirt and have some mindless fun. Now, he's running a bit scared that you want something that he's not ready for.
My advice is to back off and let him be the chaser. Don't call him at home. When you talk to him, don't even remind him of the question you asked. Just pretend nothing happened and be a friend, enjoy his company, have fun.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Being more boyfriendish
shannon, 14, from oklahoma asks:
I've been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months and I just got him to actually start being more boyfriendish with me... but there is one problem: he says his parents won't let him call me or go anywhere with me at all. He says they like me but I don't think they do and he also is having a hard time being more then just friends. How can I get through to him that he needs to act more like a boyfriend?
VictorM's advice:
Just as a guy should not pressure a girl to do things she's not ready for, so should a girl not pressure a guy. If he's around your age, he's still sorting out a lot of things with his development. Give him time. Enjoy the company for now.
His parents may or may not like you, who knows? But still, they are his parents and he has to listen to then.
Just be patient. He'll come storming out of that gate when he's ready.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months and I just got him to actually start being more boyfriendish with me... but there is one problem: he says his parents won't let him call me or go anywhere with me at all. He says they like me but I don't think they do and he also is having a hard time being more then just friends. How can I get through to him that he needs to act more like a boyfriend?
VictorM's advice:
Just as a guy should not pressure a girl to do things she's not ready for, so should a girl not pressure a guy. If he's around your age, he's still sorting out a lot of things with his development. Give him time. Enjoy the company for now.
His parents may or may not like you, who knows? But still, they are his parents and he has to listen to then.
Just be patient. He'll come storming out of that gate when he's ready.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Salon owner compliments
sarah, 41, from ca asks:
I went to have my hair done, and the owner of the Salon who did my hair asked me many questions and complimented me. I went for the second time and he asked more questions, do you have a boyfriend? What are you looking for? How old are you? And so many more questions, I felt overwhelmed with his questions, so I asked him what are you looking for? He talked for over ten minutes about what is he looking for also, asked me many times to call him to workout together after he found out that we go to the same gym. When my hair was done he gave me a hug and said I enjoyed your company, and refused to charge me any money. I called the next day to thank him and I thought when he asked me to call him many times, he might want a permission to call me, so I said to him you have my phone # and you can call me. He was excited and said I will call you. But it has been a week now and he did not call!!! What does it mean when a man ask a woman few times to call him? And why he did not call me?
VictorM's answer:
Maybe he got ran over by a bus? Shot by a jealous husband? He didn't pay his phone bill? Lost your number? Or maybe you were one of a few he was saying those things to and settled on one of them? He could have gone on vacation or something of a personal nature came up. Or, he's one of those guys that feels waiting a certain number of days before calling back is best. I really don't know.
I can understand meeting a woman at a bar or supermarket, get her number just to see if he can, and then have second thoughts about her and never call. But to go to the extent this guy went to and then not call? I can't explain it. If there isn't a valid reason, the last one remaining is that this guy is weird and you should avoid him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I went to have my hair done, and the owner of the Salon who did my hair asked me many questions and complimented me. I went for the second time and he asked more questions, do you have a boyfriend? What are you looking for? How old are you? And so many more questions, I felt overwhelmed with his questions, so I asked him what are you looking for? He talked for over ten minutes about what is he looking for also, asked me many times to call him to workout together after he found out that we go to the same gym. When my hair was done he gave me a hug and said I enjoyed your company, and refused to charge me any money. I called the next day to thank him and I thought when he asked me to call him many times, he might want a permission to call me, so I said to him you have my phone # and you can call me. He was excited and said I will call you. But it has been a week now and he did not call!!! What does it mean when a man ask a woman few times to call him? And why he did not call me?
VictorM's answer:
Maybe he got ran over by a bus? Shot by a jealous husband? He didn't pay his phone bill? Lost your number? Or maybe you were one of a few he was saying those things to and settled on one of them? He could have gone on vacation or something of a personal nature came up. Or, he's one of those guys that feels waiting a certain number of days before calling back is best. I really don't know.
I can understand meeting a woman at a bar or supermarket, get her number just to see if he can, and then have second thoughts about her and never call. But to go to the extent this guy went to and then not call? I can't explain it. If there isn't a valid reason, the last one remaining is that this guy is weird and you should avoid him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
ihave bin sleepin with aguy
kim, 19, from london asks:
ihave bin sleepin with aguy for over a year nw and he stil hasnt asked me out iv told him i like him but he still dnt tell me how he feels well he said he likes me but dnt knw wat 2 do but dat dnt mean nothin so far nothin has changed wat shall i do
VictorM's advice:
I don't know... maybe improve your communication skills?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
ihave bin sleepin with aguy for over a year nw and he stil hasnt asked me out iv told him i like him but he still dnt tell me how he feels well he said he likes me but dnt knw wat 2 do but dat dnt mean nothin so far nothin has changed wat shall i do
VictorM's advice:
I don't know... maybe improve your communication skills?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
He tells about our problems
Angelic, 16, from North west asks:
My boyfriend talks to my niece (his ex) about our problems and things that he dooesn't like about me then she tells me what he said. She then tells my how bad I am and that he is going to leave me if I don't change. One of my friends told me that she likes him but I don't want problems between us. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Let your friend have him and find a boyfriend who's more mature. This boy sounds like he's still in diapers.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend talks to my niece (his ex) about our problems and things that he dooesn't like about me then she tells me what he said. She then tells my how bad I am and that he is going to leave me if I don't change. One of my friends told me that she likes him but I don't want problems between us. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Let your friend have him and find a boyfriend who's more mature. This boy sounds like he's still in diapers.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Is he interested or just flirting?
Lisette, 53, from GROSSE POINTE MI asks:
I have this man that is a carpenter working on my home. He is very complimentary and very flirty. He calls me during the day to tell me he will be at my house and usually comes when I get home from work. He tells me I am a very pretty women. Is he interested in me or just flirting? He offers to do things for me for free with the work I am paying him for.
VictorM's advice:
He could be just flirting but even that level of flirting shows some interest. The question you have to ask yourself is: is he serious or does he flirt with many of his other customers? I don't know the answer to that. But how is that different from any man that might show interest in you, whether it's at a bar, supermarket, gym, beach, anywhere really? Any man could be a charlatan or he could be serious. Proceed with caution, that's what I would say.
Give yourself some credit -- you must be an appealing woman or he wouldn't be doing this. I don't know what your interest in him is, but heck, I'd get a ton of carpentry work done before it all cools off. Show the right amount of cleavage or leg, and who knows, you may get new kitchen cabinets for free.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have this man that is a carpenter working on my home. He is very complimentary and very flirty. He calls me during the day to tell me he will be at my house and usually comes when I get home from work. He tells me I am a very pretty women. Is he interested in me or just flirting? He offers to do things for me for free with the work I am paying him for.
VictorM's advice:
He could be just flirting but even that level of flirting shows some interest. The question you have to ask yourself is: is he serious or does he flirt with many of his other customers? I don't know the answer to that. But how is that different from any man that might show interest in you, whether it's at a bar, supermarket, gym, beach, anywhere really? Any man could be a charlatan or he could be serious. Proceed with caution, that's what I would say.
Give yourself some credit -- you must be an appealing woman or he wouldn't be doing this. I don't know what your interest in him is, but heck, I'd get a ton of carpentry work done before it all cools off. Show the right amount of cleavage or leg, and who knows, you may get new kitchen cabinets for free.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, April 17, 2006
Coworker has been a jerk
Lisa, 25, from Florida asks:
I work with this guy who lately has been a jerk to me. We have been intimately involved. How do I make him feel like a jerk... without me being one?
VictorM's advice:
If you go out of your way to make him feel like a jerk, you'll be a jerk too.
Being intimate with a coworker has it's rewards and its drawbacks. You're just finding out about both sides of the equation.
Keep your integrity and take the high road. He'll get over it or make a fool of himself.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I work with this guy who lately has been a jerk to me. We have been intimately involved. How do I make him feel like a jerk... without me being one?
VictorM's advice:
If you go out of your way to make him feel like a jerk, you'll be a jerk too.
Being intimate with a coworker has it's rewards and its drawbacks. You're just finding out about both sides of the equation.
Keep your integrity and take the high road. He'll get over it or make a fool of himself.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He doesn't want to see me every weekend
Jessica, 16, from Glasgow, Kentucky asks:
How do I deal with my boyfriend when he doesn't want to see each other every weekend because my parents put a stop to me seeing him during the week days? Please help me and tell me what I need to do!
VictorM's advice:
He must either not be that much into you, or he has something really interesting to do on some weekends. If, however, he's doing it as pay back for you not seeing him during the week, he's a jerk.
In any case, I think if he really liked you he'd move mountains to be with you as often as he can. Find someone who treasures any minute they can spend with you.
Maybe -- hard as it may be to believe -- your parents know more than you about this character.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How do I deal with my boyfriend when he doesn't want to see each other every weekend because my parents put a stop to me seeing him during the week days? Please help me and tell me what I need to do!
VictorM's advice:
He must either not be that much into you, or he has something really interesting to do on some weekends. If, however, he's doing it as pay back for you not seeing him during the week, he's a jerk.
In any case, I think if he really liked you he'd move mountains to be with you as often as he can. Find someone who treasures any minute they can spend with you.
Maybe -- hard as it may be to believe -- your parents know more than you about this character.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He kinda hides for a couple days
Claudia, 25, from Los Angeles, CA asks:
I have been dating this guy for exactly 2 months. I really like him. He's a sweetheart, treats me well, but... one week he tells me he really likes me, text messages me nice things & stuff. Then the following week he doesn't call much, doesn't answer the phone, like he kinda hides for a couple days etc. Its like a roller-coaster. What do you think is going on?
VictorM's answer:
What he's doing sounds very healthy to me. He spends time with you and needs some time for himself. I don't know what he does with that time. Of course if he's seeing someone else that's not good, but if he's taking the time to follow sports, play golf, sleep late, be with his friends, catch on work, etc. his behavior is perfectly fine.
People in good relationships recognize they need "alone time" for themselves or friends. It makes your time together more enjoyable. Find something fun to do without him -- you'll both be better off.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been dating this guy for exactly 2 months. I really like him. He's a sweetheart, treats me well, but... one week he tells me he really likes me, text messages me nice things & stuff. Then the following week he doesn't call much, doesn't answer the phone, like he kinda hides for a couple days etc. Its like a roller-coaster. What do you think is going on?
VictorM's answer:
What he's doing sounds very healthy to me. He spends time with you and needs some time for himself. I don't know what he does with that time. Of course if he's seeing someone else that's not good, but if he's taking the time to follow sports, play golf, sleep late, be with his friends, catch on work, etc. his behavior is perfectly fine.
People in good relationships recognize they need "alone time" for themselves or friends. It makes your time together more enjoyable. Find something fun to do without him -- you'll both be better off.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Does he like my friend?
Jessica, 16, from Kentucky asks:
My boyfriend has been talking to my best friend on the phone and she comes to school and tells me that he says he has a crush on her and would she go out with him if we ever break up. In a way I don't believe he said that but then in a another way I do believe he said that. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You should believe her -- he has a crush on her. He wouldn't be calling her if he didn't.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend has been talking to my best friend on the phone and she comes to school and tells me that he says he has a crush on her and would she go out with him if we ever break up. In a way I don't believe he said that but then in a another way I do believe he said that. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You should believe her -- he has a crush on her. He wouldn't be calling her if he didn't.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Not ready for anything serious
JENNIFER, 26, from MASSACHUSETTS asks:
The guy I have been dating went through a divorce 10 years ago. He says he's not ready to even think about anything serious right now. He has started to use we statements. And seems to be wanting to spend time together, we spend at least and hour or 2 together every day... We are intimate but don't do over nights given the living situations at the moment. Is he saying one thing and maybe feeling another? Is he trying to play it safe?
VictorM's answer:
Divorced for 10 years is sufficient time to heal whatever wounds he had. If after 10 years he's still not over things, that's a red flag for you.
You don't say how long you two have been dating. If you've been seeing him for only a few weeks, take his statements as a sign that he's just playing it safe. If you've been seeing him for years or even months, it means you're probably not "the one" for him and he's keeping you as company only -- don't waste your time and move on.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
The guy I have been dating went through a divorce 10 years ago. He says he's not ready to even think about anything serious right now. He has started to use we statements. And seems to be wanting to spend time together, we spend at least and hour or 2 together every day... We are intimate but don't do over nights given the living situations at the moment. Is he saying one thing and maybe feeling another? Is he trying to play it safe?
VictorM's answer:
Divorced for 10 years is sufficient time to heal whatever wounds he had. If after 10 years he's still not over things, that's a red flag for you.
You don't say how long you two have been dating. If you've been seeing him for only a few weeks, take his statements as a sign that he's just playing it safe. If you've been seeing him for years or even months, it means you're probably not "the one" for him and he's keeping you as company only -- don't waste your time and move on.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He proposed, now won't talk about it
Ashton, 19, from SD asks:
I've been dating this guy for 3 years and about a year ago he proposed to me. Every time I bring it up (which isn't that often) he doesn't really seem interested in anything I have to say. Our relationship is fine, he just avoids the marriage subject. It might be the fact that we have a tight financial situation right now, but I'm not completely sure.
VictorM's answer:
I would think the financial situation, if tight, is a good reason. Another reason could be that his initial passion has given way to common sense. If he's around your age, what's the rush? So his big mouth uttered the words before, but he realized it was too early to talk about that and now won't make the same mistake until he's sure it's the right time.
Stop bringing it up. Your definition of "often" I'm sure is different than his. He brought it up once, he'll bring it up again when he's ready.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been dating this guy for 3 years and about a year ago he proposed to me. Every time I bring it up (which isn't that often) he doesn't really seem interested in anything I have to say. Our relationship is fine, he just avoids the marriage subject. It might be the fact that we have a tight financial situation right now, but I'm not completely sure.
VictorM's answer:
I would think the financial situation, if tight, is a good reason. Another reason could be that his initial passion has given way to common sense. If he's around your age, what's the rush? So his big mouth uttered the words before, but he realized it was too early to talk about that and now won't make the same mistake until he's sure it's the right time.
Stop bringing it up. Your definition of "often" I'm sure is different than his. He brought it up once, he'll bring it up again when he's ready.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Developed feelings for a coworker
Linda, 25, from Sydney, Australia asks:
I work with someone I have known for about 3 years. Two weeks ago for no apparent reason I started to develop feelings for him. Three times this week I dropped him home from work. The first time was straight home, the second time we talked for about an hour before leaving work, the last time we talked for 3 and 1/2 hours (until 3am). Last night he refused a ride with me to get a lift with a mate (his usual lift). I think we have really clicked - should I ask him out, wait for a few days and see what develops? We're very busy at work at the moment and so I will be seeing him every day for the next week anyway - but I don't want the moment to pass...
VictorM's advice:
Don't rush! Don't ask him out yet. I understand about not wanting to let a moment pass, but that applies to seeing someone at the mall or beach, someone you may never see again. In this case, a misstep at work could mean not just a failed attempt at romance, it could lead to very unpleasant working conditions.
Maybe his refusal to accept a ride from you means he's having second thoughts about a relationship with you. I'm not saying you should give up; I'm saying you should take your time and be more cautious.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, coworker, boyfriend, girlfriend
I work with someone I have known for about 3 years. Two weeks ago for no apparent reason I started to develop feelings for him. Three times this week I dropped him home from work. The first time was straight home, the second time we talked for about an hour before leaving work, the last time we talked for 3 and 1/2 hours (until 3am). Last night he refused a ride with me to get a lift with a mate (his usual lift). I think we have really clicked - should I ask him out, wait for a few days and see what develops? We're very busy at work at the moment and so I will be seeing him every day for the next week anyway - but I don't want the moment to pass...
VictorM's advice:
Don't rush! Don't ask him out yet. I understand about not wanting to let a moment pass, but that applies to seeing someone at the mall or beach, someone you may never see again. In this case, a misstep at work could mean not just a failed attempt at romance, it could lead to very unpleasant working conditions.
Maybe his refusal to accept a ride from you means he's having second thoughts about a relationship with you. I'm not saying you should give up; I'm saying you should take your time and be more cautious.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, coworker, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why does he sometimes ignore me?
Brooke, 15, from England asks:
What does it mean when a lad you really like is ignoring you when you're with your friends and being all over you when you're with his friends? I've been seeing this lad and when I see him around town he ignores me and when I talk to him on the phone and text him but when I meet up with him he acts like I'm the only person there and makes me feel special. And I've talked to one of his best friends and he said that I'm all he talks about and every thing that he says is really nice. I know that he has ADD but I can't see why this would affect how he feels about me and how he shows me that he likes me! Can you help! I'm really confused!
VictorM's answer:
He doesn't want to be all lovey-dovey in front of people he doesn't know well or trust.
There. Confusion gone.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What does it mean when a lad you really like is ignoring you when you're with your friends and being all over you when you're with his friends? I've been seeing this lad and when I see him around town he ignores me and when I talk to him on the phone and text him but when I meet up with him he acts like I'm the only person there and makes me feel special. And I've talked to one of his best friends and he said that I'm all he talks about and every thing that he says is really nice. I know that he has ADD but I can't see why this would affect how he feels about me and how he shows me that he likes me! Can you help! I'm really confused!
VictorM's answer:
He doesn't want to be all lovey-dovey in front of people he doesn't know well or trust.
There. Confusion gone.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My husband throws fits
Jessie, 23, from Nebraska asks:
My husband throws fits. I can initially see his point of view and I try to work it out. But sometimes he gets mad and doesn't really talk to me for days or he picks on little things that I do, like folding his undies or kissing him. I've tried ignoring, talking, doing... I'm about ready to explode!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
So typical of males to carry on a mood for days. Will he ever change? Probably not. Maybe with age, but I wouldn't hold my breath. I doubt there's much you can do to change him. His behavior is an internal reaction and unless he sees it as a problem, it suits him just fine. He gets to act exactly as he wants and it pisses you off, which is an extra bonus if he's angry with you. When he feels that way, you exploding would probably make his day.
Seems like you've tried the kind of things I would have suggested. Unless you're willing to live with it, you could try taking it to the next level, which is to make sure he gets punished for that behavior. Unless he starts associating his fits with an unpleasant consequence, he will not stop. Making sure you mean business requires few words and swift action. How far you go, is up to you, but consider making him sleep in the sofa, don't do his laundry, don't prepare meals, etc.
If his fits are something you really can't live with, be firm, be stern, treat him just like a 2 year old that just did something wrong because that's the age he's stuck in when he acts that way.
Just one last thing. Allowing for a reasonable sulking period is not a bad thing before you dish out "punishment". Some guys throw these fits and sulk in lieu of getting violent or aggressive. Please keep this in mind.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My husband throws fits. I can initially see his point of view and I try to work it out. But sometimes he gets mad and doesn't really talk to me for days or he picks on little things that I do, like folding his undies or kissing him. I've tried ignoring, talking, doing... I'm about ready to explode!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
So typical of males to carry on a mood for days. Will he ever change? Probably not. Maybe with age, but I wouldn't hold my breath. I doubt there's much you can do to change him. His behavior is an internal reaction and unless he sees it as a problem, it suits him just fine. He gets to act exactly as he wants and it pisses you off, which is an extra bonus if he's angry with you. When he feels that way, you exploding would probably make his day.
Seems like you've tried the kind of things I would have suggested. Unless you're willing to live with it, you could try taking it to the next level, which is to make sure he gets punished for that behavior. Unless he starts associating his fits with an unpleasant consequence, he will not stop. Making sure you mean business requires few words and swift action. How far you go, is up to you, but consider making him sleep in the sofa, don't do his laundry, don't prepare meals, etc.
If his fits are something you really can't live with, be firm, be stern, treat him just like a 2 year old that just did something wrong because that's the age he's stuck in when he acts that way.
Just one last thing. Allowing for a reasonable sulking period is not a bad thing before you dish out "punishment". Some guys throw these fits and sulk in lieu of getting violent or aggressive. Please keep this in mind.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, April 14, 2006
Possessive Friend
kate asks:
I have a guy friend who I have feelings for, but am unsure if he has any for me. He behaves in some confusing ways. For example there is this guy who I think is hot, and whenever I mention him, my friend will always try and talk him down and get those around us to say negative things about him too. However my friend is always talking about girls he likes and thinks are hot, and currently he is always telling me about going to see this one girl he likes. I don't understand why he gets so angry and possessive (like he will put his arm around me or sit really closely etc.) whenever there is a guy round who I kind of like, or who might like me, but expects me to sit back and let him do what he wishes when it comes to girls. What should I do?
VictorM's answer:
His behaior is consistant with someone who likes you, and with someone who doesn't.
The coupling of him not liking you talking about other guys AND telling you about girls he likes is consistent with a guy who likes you. So, why is he talking about other girls? In guy logic, that makes sense. By talking about other girls he hopes to get you jealous and as a consequence measure your interest in him. So, what has been your reaction? That's the message is after. I think you're sending the wrong one.
His behavior is also consistent with someone who thinks of you as just a friend. I would not jump to the conclusion that because he's possessive and doesn't like you mentioning guys that he likes you. Some guys have a competitive nature and turn almost everything into a "me against him" kinda game.
So, we're basically where we started, aren't we? The best thing for you to do is to stop playing sleuth and do something about the situation. When he talks about other girls, tell him how that makes you feel and stop talking about other guys -- you're sending the wrong message when you do.
Stop being so cautious. Take a chance with the truth.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have a guy friend who I have feelings for, but am unsure if he has any for me. He behaves in some confusing ways. For example there is this guy who I think is hot, and whenever I mention him, my friend will always try and talk him down and get those around us to say negative things about him too. However my friend is always talking about girls he likes and thinks are hot, and currently he is always telling me about going to see this one girl he likes. I don't understand why he gets so angry and possessive (like he will put his arm around me or sit really closely etc.) whenever there is a guy round who I kind of like, or who might like me, but expects me to sit back and let him do what he wishes when it comes to girls. What should I do?
VictorM's answer:
His behaior is consistant with someone who likes you, and with someone who doesn't.
The coupling of him not liking you talking about other guys AND telling you about girls he likes is consistent with a guy who likes you. So, why is he talking about other girls? In guy logic, that makes sense. By talking about other girls he hopes to get you jealous and as a consequence measure your interest in him. So, what has been your reaction? That's the message is after. I think you're sending the wrong one.
His behavior is also consistent with someone who thinks of you as just a friend. I would not jump to the conclusion that because he's possessive and doesn't like you mentioning guys that he likes you. Some guys have a competitive nature and turn almost everything into a "me against him" kinda game.
So, we're basically where we started, aren't we? The best thing for you to do is to stop playing sleuth and do something about the situation. When he talks about other girls, tell him how that makes you feel and stop talking about other guys -- you're sending the wrong message when you do.
Stop being so cautious. Take a chance with the truth.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hurt Feelings
Bonnie, 26, asks:
When my boyfriend knows that he hurts my feelings he will not try to find out what he did and make it better. He will just carry on knowing that I'm hurt and not try to talk to me about the problem. He talks to me like nothing is wrong. I will talk to him but only about things I have to or if he asks me a question. How do I get him to care about other people's feeling other then his?
VictorM's advice:
Your problem is that he doesn't see a problem. He just thinks you're too sensitive. He just says words that he doesn't really mean but are his way of venting, and after a while, it's all forgotten. Why can't you be the same way? I know you don't feel the same way, but I bet that's how he sees it.
When two people start going out, usually two things could happen: one, you mold yourself to each other, adjusting as you go along. Sometimes the molding is smooth, sometimes it's bumpy. Two, there are red flags waived around each of you alerting you to things that make this relationship not workable. Far too many people ignore those warnings. What you have to decide is, which is these two events is happening.
But let's give something a try. Next time he hurts your feelings, do NOT say: "You hurt my feelings". Instead, say: "I'm hurt". If he says you're just being too sensitive, say: "Maybe so, but I'm hurt". Say things like: "I don't like to be told that"... "I don't like to be yelled at"... "I don't like that kind of language"... practice your language to make sure you never say to him "YOU blah blah". It MUST always be about your feelings and your thoughts. Believe me, it's not easy. It takes practice to avoid saying "you". If you say something like: "I'm hurt and I wish you wouldn't say that"... WRONG! You used "you" -- that's a no-no. Instead, say: "I'm hurt and I wish I wasn't." I hope you see what I'm getting at. You have to make this about you, not about him.
At some point, this guy may feel bad that he's hurting you and since this is YOUR flaw (in his mind), he may actually start measuring his words. Will he? I have no idea. But remember the red flag, and that it works both ways.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
When my boyfriend knows that he hurts my feelings he will not try to find out what he did and make it better. He will just carry on knowing that I'm hurt and not try to talk to me about the problem. He talks to me like nothing is wrong. I will talk to him but only about things I have to or if he asks me a question. How do I get him to care about other people's feeling other then his?
VictorM's advice:
Your problem is that he doesn't see a problem. He just thinks you're too sensitive. He just says words that he doesn't really mean but are his way of venting, and after a while, it's all forgotten. Why can't you be the same way? I know you don't feel the same way, but I bet that's how he sees it.
When two people start going out, usually two things could happen: one, you mold yourself to each other, adjusting as you go along. Sometimes the molding is smooth, sometimes it's bumpy. Two, there are red flags waived around each of you alerting you to things that make this relationship not workable. Far too many people ignore those warnings. What you have to decide is, which is these two events is happening.
But let's give something a try. Next time he hurts your feelings, do NOT say: "You hurt my feelings". Instead, say: "I'm hurt". If he says you're just being too sensitive, say: "Maybe so, but I'm hurt". Say things like: "I don't like to be told that"... "I don't like to be yelled at"... "I don't like that kind of language"... practice your language to make sure you never say to him "YOU blah blah". It MUST always be about your feelings and your thoughts. Believe me, it's not easy. It takes practice to avoid saying "you". If you say something like: "I'm hurt and I wish you wouldn't say that"... WRONG! You used "you" -- that's a no-no. Instead, say: "I'm hurt and I wish I wasn't." I hope you see what I'm getting at. You have to make this about you, not about him.
At some point, this guy may feel bad that he's hurting you and since this is YOUR flaw (in his mind), he may actually start measuring his words. Will he? I have no idea. But remember the red flag, and that it works both ways.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, April 13, 2006
He's really busy
Laura, 17, from England asks:
I've been trying to ask this guy out, but he's really busy working with his band. I think he likes me too, but I don't know if he's just making excuses so that he doesn't have to be with me. One of my male friends said that he "kinda" seems to like me from an email he sent, another said that he doesn't even know I like him, from the same email. Is it possible that he's just leading me on?
VictorM's answer:
Leading you on? How can he be doing that when he's so busy and might be making excuses not to be with you? Doesn't sound like he's leading you on at all; just sounds like he's busy and even if he likes you, it's not enough to let you come between him and his band.
Don't listen to your male friends. Either ask the guy yourself or move on.
I've been trying to ask this guy out, but he's really busy working with his band. I think he likes me too, but I don't know if he's just making excuses so that he doesn't have to be with me. One of my male friends said that he "kinda" seems to like me from an email he sent, another said that he doesn't even know I like him, from the same email. Is it possible that he's just leading me on?
VictorM's answer:
Leading you on? How can he be doing that when he's so busy and might be making excuses not to be with you? Doesn't sound like he's leading you on at all; just sounds like he's busy and even if he likes you, it's not enough to let you come between him and his band.
Don't listen to your male friends. Either ask the guy yourself or move on.
Feelings for the pastor's son
Sheila, 19, from Australia asks:
Hey, thank you for taking the time to help me out on this. Well this whole thing started a couple of years back when I started attending this church I used to go to. I developed some feelings for our pastor's middle son (weird but true) and then my mother told me that it was obvious that he was interested in someone else. I didn't see it, but then in the end she turned out to be right. Then she told me that it was obvious that the older son (who is about 9 years older than me) liked me. And both my parents love him. Anyways, he acted in ways that made me feel like he may like me, like when I asked him to dance with me at this wedding, he held my hands in a finger lock situation, then people told me that sometimes he would look at me when I'm not looking. And this other time I asked him to go to one of my friends engagements and after a while he said that he would go with me. There are times that he made me feel as though he does like me. But then when I moved countries for university, there were times that he would respond to my emails. When I would say I miss you (I'm not shy at all so I can say anything really...when it comes in emailing haha) he would respond saying, "It is nice of you to email me and think of me. I hope to see you soon as well. I don't know when it will be. Waiting to see you face to face." and then a couple of days ago I emailed him telling him exactly how I feel about him. Although he knew some stuff, and still he acted the way he does, but since then I have not received an answer. And I am really confused, and hurt and I really don't know what I should do. PLEASE HELP ME, I AM SO LOST AND CONFUSED AND HURT!!!Because I NEVER felt the way that I feel for this guy for ANYBODY in my whole entire life. THANK YOU!!!
VictorM's answer:
You may feel this way about him, but it seems obvious he doesn't feel the same way about you.
I think you made a mistake telling him about your feelings over email. As just a friend trading emails, he can be attentive and flattering while still chasing girls that he can touch without any guilt. But once you told him about your feelings, you spooked him. Replying in kind would tie him to you when he's not ready to do that.
When you go back things between you two might heat up, maybe, but forget about it long distance. For now, I suggest you start emailing him purely as a friend. Don't even mention what you told him before. Start emailing him as if nothing had happened. This way you stay in touch but with no commitment by either of you.
Hey, thank you for taking the time to help me out on this. Well this whole thing started a couple of years back when I started attending this church I used to go to. I developed some feelings for our pastor's middle son (weird but true) and then my mother told me that it was obvious that he was interested in someone else. I didn't see it, but then in the end she turned out to be right. Then she told me that it was obvious that the older son (who is about 9 years older than me) liked me. And both my parents love him. Anyways, he acted in ways that made me feel like he may like me, like when I asked him to dance with me at this wedding, he held my hands in a finger lock situation, then people told me that sometimes he would look at me when I'm not looking. And this other time I asked him to go to one of my friends engagements and after a while he said that he would go with me. There are times that he made me feel as though he does like me. But then when I moved countries for university, there were times that he would respond to my emails. When I would say I miss you (I'm not shy at all so I can say anything really...when it comes in emailing haha) he would respond saying, "It is nice of you to email me and think of me. I hope to see you soon as well. I don't know when it will be. Waiting to see you face to face." and then a couple of days ago I emailed him telling him exactly how I feel about him. Although he knew some stuff, and still he acted the way he does, but since then I have not received an answer. And I am really confused, and hurt and I really don't know what I should do. PLEASE HELP ME, I AM SO LOST AND CONFUSED AND HURT!!!Because I NEVER felt the way that I feel for this guy for ANYBODY in my whole entire life. THANK YOU!!!
VictorM's answer:
You may feel this way about him, but it seems obvious he doesn't feel the same way about you.
I think you made a mistake telling him about your feelings over email. As just a friend trading emails, he can be attentive and flattering while still chasing girls that he can touch without any guilt. But once you told him about your feelings, you spooked him. Replying in kind would tie him to you when he's not ready to do that.
When you go back things between you two might heat up, maybe, but forget about it long distance. For now, I suggest you start emailing him purely as a friend. Don't even mention what you told him before. Start emailing him as if nothing had happened. This way you stay in touch but with no commitment by either of you.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
He has not proposed
christie, 31, from florida asks:
Hi I'm a 31 year old divorced woman who has been dating and living with a 23 year old man for two years now. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but has not actually proposed. Our relationship is very good, and there are no problems. Also, I work full time in the military and he is a full time college student. Am I just being stupid, or do you think he is just with me to finish his degree then will be moving on?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea what his plans are but I see nothing unusual about him liking you and wanting to be with you. But being only 23 and still in school he would be crazy to propose. Don't rush him. Enjoy the good relationship and wait till he matures some more, gets a degree, and a job before you start making serious plans.
I can understand your concern about him moving on but no relationship is ever a sure thing. Yes, he could change his mind later, but how is that any different than any other man? Just enjoy the good times now; that's the best way to lead to good times in the future.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi I'm a 31 year old divorced woman who has been dating and living with a 23 year old man for two years now. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but has not actually proposed. Our relationship is very good, and there are no problems. Also, I work full time in the military and he is a full time college student. Am I just being stupid, or do you think he is just with me to finish his degree then will be moving on?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea what his plans are but I see nothing unusual about him liking you and wanting to be with you. But being only 23 and still in school he would be crazy to propose. Don't rush him. Enjoy the good relationship and wait till he matures some more, gets a degree, and a job before you start making serious plans.
I can understand your concern about him moving on but no relationship is ever a sure thing. Yes, he could change his mind later, but how is that any different than any other man? Just enjoy the good times now; that's the best way to lead to good times in the future.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wishy-washy Guy
jessica, 31, from ky asks:
I don't understand why this guy I like is so wishy-washy. First he called me every day wanting to be with me. Then we got into a misunderstanding and I did not see him again. My friend works with him and he told her he wanted to call because he thought he missed out on a great girl. A week later he called me and we hung out for a few days. He tells me how do I think a relationship with him would be and I said good. He said he thought so too. And he wanted to be with me. After that he did not call me again. So I went to see my friend at work, she told me I had no chance so this other guy that is his friend asked me out he told me that John (the guy I like) still liked me but he was weird about girls. Well I ended up not liking him in that way we only went out twice. Then John told my friend that he was thinking about asking me out again but he did not like when girls went out with their friends. She told him I did not do it to be mean I just thought we were over for good. He wanted me too call him so we could try again he did not have my number so I called him. He was great on the phone said he would go out with me. A week passed, I did not hear from him. I ran into him at Walmart. His whole face lit up and he smiled. Hey, Jess, he said. I said hey and walked away. The next day he asked my friend why I did not talk to him. It bothered him so I called and told him I was sorry. He said he will be on vacation we can do something. I did not hear from him so my friend said you can't call people back. John said I don't want to be with anybody, I am stressed out and he walked off. So how do I get over this jerk? Why is he acting like this? I know I need to move on but I would like to know what is wrong with me that he would treat me this way. I try to get over him but he always comes back around he has hurt my feelings bad.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what is wrong with you, but you're only responsible for liking him, you're not responsible for his behavior.
How many strange things does this guy have to do for you to realize you should run, not walk, away from him? Some guys just aren't equipped to dealing with relationships. You have been warned, yet you persist. Trust me: he's not acting this way just because of you. You can't fix him and you can't do anything different that would make him change. This is HIS problem. Let someone else be the sucker that gets stuck with him.
I don't understand why this guy I like is so wishy-washy. First he called me every day wanting to be with me. Then we got into a misunderstanding and I did not see him again. My friend works with him and he told her he wanted to call because he thought he missed out on a great girl. A week later he called me and we hung out for a few days. He tells me how do I think a relationship with him would be and I said good. He said he thought so too. And he wanted to be with me. After that he did not call me again. So I went to see my friend at work, she told me I had no chance so this other guy that is his friend asked me out he told me that John (the guy I like) still liked me but he was weird about girls. Well I ended up not liking him in that way we only went out twice. Then John told my friend that he was thinking about asking me out again but he did not like when girls went out with their friends. She told him I did not do it to be mean I just thought we were over for good. He wanted me too call him so we could try again he did not have my number so I called him. He was great on the phone said he would go out with me. A week passed, I did not hear from him. I ran into him at Walmart. His whole face lit up and he smiled. Hey, Jess, he said. I said hey and walked away. The next day he asked my friend why I did not talk to him. It bothered him so I called and told him I was sorry. He said he will be on vacation we can do something. I did not hear from him so my friend said you can't call people back. John said I don't want to be with anybody, I am stressed out and he walked off. So how do I get over this jerk? Why is he acting like this? I know I need to move on but I would like to know what is wrong with me that he would treat me this way. I try to get over him but he always comes back around he has hurt my feelings bad.
VictorM's advice:
I don't know what is wrong with you, but you're only responsible for liking him, you're not responsible for his behavior.
How many strange things does this guy have to do for you to realize you should run, not walk, away from him? Some guys just aren't equipped to dealing with relationships. You have been warned, yet you persist. Trust me: he's not acting this way just because of you. You can't fix him and you can't do anything different that would make him change. This is HIS problem. Let someone else be the sucker that gets stuck with him.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Boyfriend treats her like a friend
shannon, 14, from oklahoma asks:
I have been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months but to me it seems like he is just friends but I know he likes me a lot and I like him a lot. I don't know what to do to make him treat me like his girlfriend rather then one of his good friends cause I know we both want to be more then good friends, so please help!
VictorM's advice:
It's not unusual for boys in your age group to act like this. It has nothing to do with you. Maybe he's a bit fearful that kissing will lead to something he's not ready for (like sex) or it could be that he's just being respectful and thinks you might get mad if he makes a move.
Once he comes out of that shell you're going to miss these "good ol' days" because when teen boys catch the horny bug they can be a pain. So enjoy this time to talk, be friendly, and have a nice time. Don't hurry things.
But, to address your request, you can push things a little. A little more makeup here, a little less skirt there, a little tighter top... anything to help him notice you're a girl, if you know what I mean (but please, don't overdo it). You can also pull him closer and say: "Kiss me, you fool." That works every time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months but to me it seems like he is just friends but I know he likes me a lot and I like him a lot. I don't know what to do to make him treat me like his girlfriend rather then one of his good friends cause I know we both want to be more then good friends, so please help!
VictorM's advice:
It's not unusual for boys in your age group to act like this. It has nothing to do with you. Maybe he's a bit fearful that kissing will lead to something he's not ready for (like sex) or it could be that he's just being respectful and thinks you might get mad if he makes a move.
Once he comes out of that shell you're going to miss these "good ol' days" because when teen boys catch the horny bug they can be a pain. So enjoy this time to talk, be friendly, and have a nice time. Don't hurry things.
But, to address your request, you can push things a little. A little more makeup here, a little less skirt there, a little tighter top... anything to help him notice you're a girl, if you know what I mean (but please, don't overdo it). You can also pull him closer and say: "Kiss me, you fool." That works every time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Mixed signals and mixed messages
Chrissy, 17, from Ontario Canada asks:
What would cause a guy to use so many mixed signals and mixed messages? He acts like he likes me then he doesn't. He starts arguments with me, then when I return the words back, he acts like I'm being irrational. He tells me my faults, but I am yet to hear anything positive about me. I love him but don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
Mixed signals are usually more of a problem by the receiver than by the sender. He's probably just being a typical goofy teenage boy and you're reading too much into everything he does. He may still be in the "if I hit you it means I like you" infantile stage.
Give him a pacifier and wait a few more months.
What would cause a guy to use so many mixed signals and mixed messages? He acts like he likes me then he doesn't. He starts arguments with me, then when I return the words back, he acts like I'm being irrational. He tells me my faults, but I am yet to hear anything positive about me. I love him but don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice:
Mixed signals are usually more of a problem by the receiver than by the sender. He's probably just being a typical goofy teenage boy and you're reading too much into everything he does. He may still be in the "if I hit you it means I like you" infantile stage.
Give him a pacifier and wait a few more months.
He thinks I'm his soulmate
Sharon, 24, from uk asks:
I went to school with this guy. I hadn't seen him for years and we met up for a drink. He says he thinks I'm his soulmate. We slept together and he said it felt right but he doesn't want to hurt his girlfriend (he has never cheated before) of five years. I keep asking him why he said the things above but he keeps going all quiet. This happened five weeks ago. I have been on the phone everyday asking him. But now he says he wants to stay with her but I know he is not happy. He said that he didn't use me that it wasn't like that. But now all of a sudden he isn't answering my calls or texts. I don't know what to do cause I can't get him out off my head. My feelings are really strong for him but does he feel the same and is just being a coward? Or am I putting temptation his way and thats why he won't answer me. Please Help!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Sharon, look up the word "gullible" in the dictionary. See the picture next to it? That's you! My lord, how can you swallow all that crap when the evidence is so overwhelming that you have been played? Anybody using the word "soulmate" after a date or two, specially if he has a girldfriend already, is a wanker!
You said "he has never cheated before", and I suppose you know this... how? Let me guess, because he told you so.
You have been had. Get over it and try not to be so gullible next time.
I went to school with this guy. I hadn't seen him for years and we met up for a drink. He says he thinks I'm his soulmate. We slept together and he said it felt right but he doesn't want to hurt his girlfriend (he has never cheated before) of five years. I keep asking him why he said the things above but he keeps going all quiet. This happened five weeks ago. I have been on the phone everyday asking him. But now he says he wants to stay with her but I know he is not happy. He said that he didn't use me that it wasn't like that. But now all of a sudden he isn't answering my calls or texts. I don't know what to do cause I can't get him out off my head. My feelings are really strong for him but does he feel the same and is just being a coward? Or am I putting temptation his way and thats why he won't answer me. Please Help!!!!
VictorM's advice:
Sharon, look up the word "gullible" in the dictionary. See the picture next to it? That's you! My lord, how can you swallow all that crap when the evidence is so overwhelming that you have been played? Anybody using the word "soulmate" after a date or two, specially if he has a girldfriend already, is a wanker!
You said "he has never cheated before", and I suppose you know this... how? Let me guess, because he told you so.
You have been had. Get over it and try not to be so gullible next time.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Crush on Coworker
melissa, 34, from la joya, TX asks:
I don't know what to make of a coworker I have a crush on. Does he like me? Yesterday I commented on how nice he looked and he was sure to dress very nicely today and he's complimented me on my attire two days in a row but I'm still nervous. We work together and we're both teachers. I'd like to ask him out but what if he says no? I'm afraid rumors will spread :( Help !
VictorM's advice:
Then don't ask him out; trick him into asking you.
You: "I so want to see the movie V for Vendetta, but my friend bailed out on me and I really don't like going alone." (Just make sure you mention a movie you know he too wold want to see.) Him: "I've been wanting to see it too. Wanna go together?"
You: "Oh my Romeo, of course I do."
... rainbows, birds singing, love songs in the air.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, crush, coworker
I don't know what to make of a coworker I have a crush on. Does he like me? Yesterday I commented on how nice he looked and he was sure to dress very nicely today and he's complimented me on my attire two days in a row but I'm still nervous. We work together and we're both teachers. I'd like to ask him out but what if he says no? I'm afraid rumors will spread :( Help !
VictorM's advice:
Then don't ask him out; trick him into asking you.
You: "I so want to see the movie V for Vendetta, but my friend bailed out on me and I really don't like going alone." (Just make sure you mention a movie you know he too wold want to see.) Him: "I've been wanting to see it too. Wanna go together?"
You: "Oh my Romeo, of course I do."
... rainbows, birds singing, love songs in the air.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, crush, coworker
Why are ex-boyfriends mean?
stacey, 17, from las vegas asks:
Why is that ex-boyfriends are mean? They ignore you, they even try to put you down. Is it because they're hurt and they basically want revenge on you? I don't get it, that's really immature. So am I right?
VictorM's answer:
Yeah, revenge is part of it. They are angry and when people are angry too often they do immature things. Add to the mix that they are teen boys and yes, thing can get ugly. Their egos also would like to know that your life has taken a turn for the worse without them in it. So to the extent that they can help push it in that direction, they do.
But it could be worse; your ex could be a girl. You don't know what mean is until you piss off a girl.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why is that ex-boyfriends are mean? They ignore you, they even try to put you down. Is it because they're hurt and they basically want revenge on you? I don't get it, that's really immature. So am I right?
VictorM's answer:
Yeah, revenge is part of it. They are angry and when people are angry too often they do immature things. Add to the mix that they are teen boys and yes, thing can get ugly. Their egos also would like to know that your life has taken a turn for the worse without them in it. So to the extent that they can help push it in that direction, they do.
But it could be worse; your ex could be a girl. You don't know what mean is until you piss off a girl.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm really confused, and hurt
lisa, 18, from riverside asks:
OK.. I'm really confused, and hurt.. I was dating this guy for 6 months.. he's 19.. and I gave my virginity to him.. then I recently broke up with him.. and now.. he won't talk to me.. I try calling him, but nothing.. I broke up with him through email because I couldn't get a hold of him! I just wanted feedback from him... or SOMETHING! ...he tells my friend that he's okay with the break up.. So why won't he just answer his phone? :-/
VictorM's advice:
He's doing the right thing. You two broke up, he doesn't have to talk to you, deal with you, listen to you, get emotionally involved with you anymore. Your problems are not his, your need for feedback is not his concern. You broke up with him, so now tough noogies! He's moving on with his life. Lingering attachement to an ex usually only hurts the moving on process.
He's sounding mature about the whole thing; you're sounding little a whiner. You don't want that, do you?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
OK.. I'm really confused, and hurt.. I was dating this guy for 6 months.. he's 19.. and I gave my virginity to him.. then I recently broke up with him.. and now.. he won't talk to me.. I try calling him, but nothing.. I broke up with him through email because I couldn't get a hold of him! I just wanted feedback from him... or SOMETHING! ...he tells my friend that he's okay with the break up.. So why won't he just answer his phone? :-/
VictorM's advice:
He's doing the right thing. You two broke up, he doesn't have to talk to you, deal with you, listen to you, get emotionally involved with you anymore. Your problems are not his, your need for feedback is not his concern. You broke up with him, so now tough noogies! He's moving on with his life. Lingering attachement to an ex usually only hurts the moving on process.
He's sounding mature about the whole thing; you're sounding little a whiner. You don't want that, do you?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
We broke up but I want to get back together
anonymous, 19, from U.S. asks:
Me and my boyfriend just broke up, I didn't want to and it seemed he didn't want to either, but I don't know how to talk to him about how we should get back together. I know there are couples who break up and then try again, but how should I talk to him? Are there any signs that I should look for that he doesn't want to get back together? Like, we talk sometimes as friends, but I do most of the conversation steering. Does that mean anything or is it just because he's a guy...help soon
VictorM's advice:
You didn't want to brake-up and he "seemed" not to want it either, so why did you?
My guess is that he wanted to. I think his apparent reluctance about the break-up is a poor interpretation on your part because he didn't come out straight and say he was over you. But guys seldom do that. Most often they sound ambivalent about the breakup, or even makeup some poor excuse to avoid saying to your face that they're no longer into you. And since he doesn't seem too interested in conversion with you now, that suggest to me that he wouldn't even talk to you if you weren't the one making the effort. He's just not into you; forget the "seemed" part.
But, in case I'm wrong, why not put the issue to rest and simply say to him that you'd like to get back together again? Say it. Then you will know. But be prepared to hear what you don't want to hear.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and my boyfriend just broke up, I didn't want to and it seemed he didn't want to either, but I don't know how to talk to him about how we should get back together. I know there are couples who break up and then try again, but how should I talk to him? Are there any signs that I should look for that he doesn't want to get back together? Like, we talk sometimes as friends, but I do most of the conversation steering. Does that mean anything or is it just because he's a guy...help soon
VictorM's advice:
You didn't want to brake-up and he "seemed" not to want it either, so why did you?
My guess is that he wanted to. I think his apparent reluctance about the break-up is a poor interpretation on your part because he didn't come out straight and say he was over you. But guys seldom do that. Most often they sound ambivalent about the breakup, or even makeup some poor excuse to avoid saying to your face that they're no longer into you. And since he doesn't seem too interested in conversion with you now, that suggest to me that he wouldn't even talk to you if you weren't the one making the effort. He's just not into you; forget the "seemed" part.
But, in case I'm wrong, why not put the issue to rest and simply say to him that you'd like to get back together again? Say it. Then you will know. But be prepared to hear what you don't want to hear.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, April 09, 2006
We've broken up like twice
Amber, 19, from boston asks:
OK me and my boyfriend have been going out for like a little over a month. It was kind of fast how we started, we've broken up like twice but gotten back together like the same night or day. But the other day he said he was sick and going to stay in and sleep and try to get better. But when I called his house his mom answered the phone and said he went to school. So I said OK maybe his phone died and he didn't have enough battery to call me. So I called around 12am and no one answered and then I called in the morning and went by his house and he didn't answer. What's this suppose to mean and what should I do? :(
VictorM's advice:
Amber, in the first month you broke up twice? I don't know, usually people are more tolerant early on. This doesn't sound very promising. But anyway, I don't know. Maybe his phone broke down? Maybe you should find a guy you get along with better?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
OK me and my boyfriend have been going out for like a little over a month. It was kind of fast how we started, we've broken up like twice but gotten back together like the same night or day. But the other day he said he was sick and going to stay in and sleep and try to get better. But when I called his house his mom answered the phone and said he went to school. So I said OK maybe his phone died and he didn't have enough battery to call me. So I called around 12am and no one answered and then I called in the morning and went by his house and he didn't answer. What's this suppose to mean and what should I do? :(
VictorM's advice:
Amber, in the first month you broke up twice? I don't know, usually people are more tolerant early on. This doesn't sound very promising. But anyway, I don't know. Maybe his phone broke down? Maybe you should find a guy you get along with better?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Last month we barely spoke
Carrie, 19, from New Jersey asks:
Me and my boyfriend were going out for about 3 months, though the last month we barely spoke and weren't able to see each other because of our schedules and we're about an hour away from each other...recently we talked about it and agreed we didn't speak because neither of us would call each other for some reason...he said we were good together but the timing was wrong? Does that mean he just lost interest? He said it sucked for both of us not being able to see each other for weeks at a time...we just broke up and I didn't want to break up with him, he said we can still be friends but I just want to know if there will be another chance I can get with him.
VictorM's advice:
Distance can be a bitch and ruin a lot of relationships. Guys, much more than girls, have a problem with lack of physical contact. He probably feels like branching out, seeing people that he can actually touch. Doesn't sound to me like he would rule out being with you again, but I'd say it's a safe bet he doesn't want a long distance relationship. But generally, a long time without calling each other followed by "the timing is wrong" sounds more like he's moving on.
I don't buy the "we're too busy" excuse when couples really are into each other. That just tells me you're not even trying. With cell phones, you can call each other even from a restroom -- I bet you're never too busy for that, right? I'm talking about both you too, not just him. If you were really into him you'd have found the time to call him.
Don't look at this whole thing as being rejected; look at it as an opportunity to meet Mister Right.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and my boyfriend were going out for about 3 months, though the last month we barely spoke and weren't able to see each other because of our schedules and we're about an hour away from each other...recently we talked about it and agreed we didn't speak because neither of us would call each other for some reason...he said we were good together but the timing was wrong? Does that mean he just lost interest? He said it sucked for both of us not being able to see each other for weeks at a time...we just broke up and I didn't want to break up with him, he said we can still be friends but I just want to know if there will be another chance I can get with him.
VictorM's advice:
Distance can be a bitch and ruin a lot of relationships. Guys, much more than girls, have a problem with lack of physical contact. He probably feels like branching out, seeing people that he can actually touch. Doesn't sound to me like he would rule out being with you again, but I'd say it's a safe bet he doesn't want a long distance relationship. But generally, a long time without calling each other followed by "the timing is wrong" sounds more like he's moving on.
I don't buy the "we're too busy" excuse when couples really are into each other. That just tells me you're not even trying. With cell phones, you can call each other even from a restroom -- I bet you're never too busy for that, right? I'm talking about both you too, not just him. If you were really into him you'd have found the time to call him.
Don't look at this whole thing as being rejected; look at it as an opportunity to meet Mister Right.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Analyzing relationship all the time
DeeDee, 24, from Illinois asks:
Ok. I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years. I am a student. My boyfriend and I had no major problems in the past year and a half. He's not working now...(income comes from family business) and all he does is occupies himself with his friends, gambling, and hanging out. He is 39. Now, this started after about the first year and a half. I started over analyzing things and got really anxious...to the point of consuming ALL of my time analyzing my relationship. I wanted to make sure he was the right guy, so I don't make the mistake of staying and leaving years later. I do love him...but can't get him to spend more time with me. He never invites me out, never calls me unless he needs something, and never comes home (before a normal time) to be able to actually be around me. I am home and at school. I never see him. I've also had a very hard time falling asleep because of my anxiousness. I feel that I can't even have fun anymore because I completely lost myself. Now I started a job, to occupy myself, but still have problems sleeping because of this analyzing. Should this relationship be this hard? He is going through family problems. Is he going through something? Or am I the one who needs to chill out here? I'm going crazy trying to understand if this is what a relationship should be like?
VictorM's advice:
You're spending too much energy doing the wrong thing. Start living life as if he wasn't in the picture. Go out with friends, remodel your house, take a vacation with friends, find some hobby or pastime, etc. Now, if he's still not coming around, calling you, wanting to know where you are or where you are going, it doesn't matter how much you love him -- he doesn't love you! If, however, he starts paying attention to you, do NOT be sarcastic and do not reprimand him. In a nice way tell him where you're going, what you're doing.
The message is you're not going to be a victim of circumstances the way he is. And, without saying the words, the message to him must be: start paying attention to me or I'm gone. You can accomplish this by sending the message, fake as it may be, that you're living a happy life without him but you encourage him to join you.
If you think you're going to hold on to him by grabbing him tight, you're sadly mistaken. And if you think you're going to know how to read him by analyzing everything to death, you're mistaken as well. Most people can't analyze themselves much else others.
Get off the analyzing business and get on to the living your life business.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Ok. I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years. I am a student. My boyfriend and I had no major problems in the past year and a half. He's not working now...(income comes from family business) and all he does is occupies himself with his friends, gambling, and hanging out. He is 39. Now, this started after about the first year and a half. I started over analyzing things and got really anxious...to the point of consuming ALL of my time analyzing my relationship. I wanted to make sure he was the right guy, so I don't make the mistake of staying and leaving years later. I do love him...but can't get him to spend more time with me. He never invites me out, never calls me unless he needs something, and never comes home (before a normal time) to be able to actually be around me. I am home and at school. I never see him. I've also had a very hard time falling asleep because of my anxiousness. I feel that I can't even have fun anymore because I completely lost myself. Now I started a job, to occupy myself, but still have problems sleeping because of this analyzing. Should this relationship be this hard? He is going through family problems. Is he going through something? Or am I the one who needs to chill out here? I'm going crazy trying to understand if this is what a relationship should be like?
VictorM's advice:
You're spending too much energy doing the wrong thing. Start living life as if he wasn't in the picture. Go out with friends, remodel your house, take a vacation with friends, find some hobby or pastime, etc. Now, if he's still not coming around, calling you, wanting to know where you are or where you are going, it doesn't matter how much you love him -- he doesn't love you! If, however, he starts paying attention to you, do NOT be sarcastic and do not reprimand him. In a nice way tell him where you're going, what you're doing.
The message is you're not going to be a victim of circumstances the way he is. And, without saying the words, the message to him must be: start paying attention to me or I'm gone. You can accomplish this by sending the message, fake as it may be, that you're living a happy life without him but you encourage him to join you.
If you think you're going to hold on to him by grabbing him tight, you're sadly mistaken. And if you think you're going to know how to read him by analyzing everything to death, you're mistaken as well. Most people can't analyze themselves much else others.
Get off the analyzing business and get on to the living your life business.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, April 07, 2006
I'm a very shy person
Laci, 21, asks:
I've been out of the dating scene for nearly 4 years, and was recently asked out, and went with the guy. And had a great time, was then asked out to dinner (the same afternoon), and talked a bit. The problem is, I'm a very shy person, and have a hard time opening up. But by the end of the date, I was opening up to him. When he dropped me off, he said that he had a great time with me, and I said the same about him. I then suggested that we go out again sometime, at which point, he said that he would call me. I should also add that he asked my dad permission to take me out, and I think he likes me, by some of the things that he did. But, I'm really out of practice. Having asked a few of my friends, and they all say that it sounds as though he likes me, as he was the one that started pursuing me. Should I be okay with thinking that he is into me? And how soon after a date would one expect someone to call?
VictorM's advice:
You should not rule out that he's into you -- he could very well be -- but very good first dates don't always mean there will be staying power for the couple. If you read a few of the Questions and Answers posted on this page previously you'll see a pattern of girls saying things were going great and then poof, he was gone. So, don't shut yourself off from a good thing, but be prepared for it to lead nowhere.
There are all kinds of rules about how long to wait before calling. I think that's silly stuff. There are too many variables into the whole calling thing. A guy could be broke and not call for longer than you'd like simply because he may feel embarrassed that he can't take you out. I mean, there are so many other reasons I'm not even going to list them. If you like him, and if he doesn't call after a few days, give him a call. There's nothing wrong with that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been out of the dating scene for nearly 4 years, and was recently asked out, and went with the guy. And had a great time, was then asked out to dinner (the same afternoon), and talked a bit. The problem is, I'm a very shy person, and have a hard time opening up. But by the end of the date, I was opening up to him. When he dropped me off, he said that he had a great time with me, and I said the same about him. I then suggested that we go out again sometime, at which point, he said that he would call me. I should also add that he asked my dad permission to take me out, and I think he likes me, by some of the things that he did. But, I'm really out of practice. Having asked a few of my friends, and they all say that it sounds as though he likes me, as he was the one that started pursuing me. Should I be okay with thinking that he is into me? And how soon after a date would one expect someone to call?
VictorM's advice:
You should not rule out that he's into you -- he could very well be -- but very good first dates don't always mean there will be staying power for the couple. If you read a few of the Questions and Answers posted on this page previously you'll see a pattern of girls saying things were going great and then poof, he was gone. So, don't shut yourself off from a good thing, but be prepared for it to lead nowhere.
There are all kinds of rules about how long to wait before calling. I think that's silly stuff. There are too many variables into the whole calling thing. A guy could be broke and not call for longer than you'd like simply because he may feel embarrassed that he can't take you out. I mean, there are so many other reasons I'm not even going to list them. If you like him, and if he doesn't call after a few days, give him a call. There's nothing wrong with that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, April 06, 2006
His ex is my friend
Jenny, 23, from USA asks:
I have this guy friend that I really like. The problem is that his ex girlfriend is also one of my good friends, and I think that he may still be in love with her. However, he shows many signs that he is interested in me, such as sitting very very close to me, so that we are touching, getting grumpy when I talk about other guys (but not when my other girlfriends do), and other such things. What do you think, is there a chance, and if so is it worth ruining a friendship (or possibly two) over? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, from my point of view, if you like him and he likes you, it's worth ruining the friendships, and I tell you why: if your friend doesn't recognize that it's over between them two and that you , as her friend, deserve a shot at finding a guy that makes you happy, she's not much of a friend worth keeping. However, I know there's a weird rule among females about this sorta thing, so you'd be wise to talk to her and mention how you feel about him and get a sense how she might react.
If he's still in love with her, don't discount the possibility that he's targeted you to make her jealous. I'm not saying that's what he's doing, but you should be open to that possibility.
Further, I will say that the odds of close friends who have their exes hanging around without it creating problems are slim. There's too much between them for you to ever feel comfortable and that will test the relationship.
My bottom line: the odds are not in your favor that this relationship will work without some major drama, but at the same time, if you don't try it you'll always wonder if you should have, and that's worse than facing the drama.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have this guy friend that I really like. The problem is that his ex girlfriend is also one of my good friends, and I think that he may still be in love with her. However, he shows many signs that he is interested in me, such as sitting very very close to me, so that we are touching, getting grumpy when I talk about other guys (but not when my other girlfriends do), and other such things. What do you think, is there a chance, and if so is it worth ruining a friendship (or possibly two) over? What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Yeah, from my point of view, if you like him and he likes you, it's worth ruining the friendships, and I tell you why: if your friend doesn't recognize that it's over between them two and that you , as her friend, deserve a shot at finding a guy that makes you happy, she's not much of a friend worth keeping. However, I know there's a weird rule among females about this sorta thing, so you'd be wise to talk to her and mention how you feel about him and get a sense how she might react.
If he's still in love with her, don't discount the possibility that he's targeted you to make her jealous. I'm not saying that's what he's doing, but you should be open to that possibility.
Further, I will say that the odds of close friends who have their exes hanging around without it creating problems are slim. There's too much between them for you to ever feel comfortable and that will test the relationship.
My bottom line: the odds are not in your favor that this relationship will work without some major drama, but at the same time, if you don't try it you'll always wonder if you should have, and that's worse than facing the drama.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why don't they have the guts
Laura, 21, from Northern Minnesota asks:
How can guys like girls one minute, and then not like them? Then keep on with the girl not knowing what's going on? Why don't they have the guts to tell the girl things changed? Is it just because they love the attention, what?
VictorM's answer:
Did you ever see the movie "A League of Their Own", when the one girl starts crying and Tom Hanks says: "There's no crying in baseball"? Well, if we could make sure there's not crying in a breakup maybe more guys would say it to your face. But the truth is most guys hate to make a girl cry, so instead of telling then "I'm no longer interested in you", they hide, they say white lies, they make excuses, all because they hate to hurt girls. So, whether you believe it or not, there's a noble reason for the behavior. The real problem is that so many girls are so gullible that they believe the guy instead of understanding that his excuses are code for "I'm not into you anymore."
What did you expect in a relationship, a progress report day by day? Today I like you 90% of the time. Today I like 85% of the time. That makes no sense. Two people start seeing each other, they start finding out things about the other, sometimes they sour a little but think that maybe they are rushing to judgment so they continue to see the person as if nothing is bothering them, but then when enough things bother them, it's over. Makes sense to me.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
How can guys like girls one minute, and then not like them? Then keep on with the girl not knowing what's going on? Why don't they have the guts to tell the girl things changed? Is it just because they love the attention, what?
VictorM's answer:
Did you ever see the movie "A League of Their Own", when the one girl starts crying and Tom Hanks says: "There's no crying in baseball"? Well, if we could make sure there's not crying in a breakup maybe more guys would say it to your face. But the truth is most guys hate to make a girl cry, so instead of telling then "I'm no longer interested in you", they hide, they say white lies, they make excuses, all because they hate to hurt girls. So, whether you believe it or not, there's a noble reason for the behavior. The real problem is that so many girls are so gullible that they believe the guy instead of understanding that his excuses are code for "I'm not into you anymore."
What did you expect in a relationship, a progress report day by day? Today I like you 90% of the time. Today I like 85% of the time. That makes no sense. Two people start seeing each other, they start finding out things about the other, sometimes they sour a little but think that maybe they are rushing to judgment so they continue to see the person as if nothing is bothering them, but then when enough things bother them, it's over. Makes sense to me.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
He doesn't need a girlfriend right now
Regina, 19, from TN asks:
I have been with this guy for a little over 11 months off and on and the other day he tells me that he doesn't need a girlfriend right now because he almost lost his mom last night (she has heart problems) but I told him I would be there for him and he said he would think about if he really wanted to have a girlfriend or not. But he ditched me for the rest of the day and I have heard that he was flirting with another girl and he has been saying that HE dumped ME. I have been wanting to make him jealous and I'm bi and there is this girl who wants to be with me and I want her to but I also want him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Whatever you do, don't be a jerk. Using the girl to flirt with him isn't going to fix anything. He no longer cares about you -- face that fact. The girl has nothing to do with this; she doesn't deserve to be played. In the end, the loser will be you. Don't do it.
You were together for less than a year and he realized you're not the one. This is not a crime. Yes, the stuff about his mom is probably a lie so he doesn't have to tell you to your face he lost interest. It's not a pleasant message to give anyone so instead he's giving you hints that he's not into you anymore. Deal with it with dignity, even if he's not. Keep the other girl out of this.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been with this guy for a little over 11 months off and on and the other day he tells me that he doesn't need a girlfriend right now because he almost lost his mom last night (she has heart problems) but I told him I would be there for him and he said he would think about if he really wanted to have a girlfriend or not. But he ditched me for the rest of the day and I have heard that he was flirting with another girl and he has been saying that HE dumped ME. I have been wanting to make him jealous and I'm bi and there is this girl who wants to be with me and I want her to but I also want him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Whatever you do, don't be a jerk. Using the girl to flirt with him isn't going to fix anything. He no longer cares about you -- face that fact. The girl has nothing to do with this; she doesn't deserve to be played. In the end, the loser will be you. Don't do it.
You were together for less than a year and he realized you're not the one. This is not a crime. Yes, the stuff about his mom is probably a lie so he doesn't have to tell you to your face he lost interest. It's not a pleasant message to give anyone so instead he's giving you hints that he's not into you anymore. Deal with it with dignity, even if he's not. Keep the other girl out of this.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Should Guys Be the Ones Always Asking a Girl Out?
Lauryn, 20, from Arizona asks:
It seems that a lot of people believe guys should be the ones to ask the girls out, or to go on a date. But how do guys really feel about that? Should it always be the guy who pays for everything all the time, or set up the dates?
VictorM's advice:
The questions you ask aren't easily answered in general terms. That's because cultural background, religion, upbringing, and financial situation all greatly affect how each male behaves.
We do know that males have that "conqueror" bone in their bodies and often will lose interest in a girl if she poses no challenge. For this reason, I always recommend that girls don't confess their feelings for a guy first; guys can lose interest and all too often play games with a girl they know likes them. That all changes if they feel they are the ones that swept her of her feet.
Ultimately, there isn't a one-answer-fits-all. Any girl should feel free to ask a guy out on a date or offer to pay. How he reacts tells you a lot about his machismo or chauvinism. You have to be careful because refusal to accept a girl paying can just be chivalry, but if you pay close attention, you should be able to tell the difference. Either way, you are better off knowing this about him well upfront before you waste too much of your time with a guy that's not a good fit for how you view the male-female roles.
What I'm saying is, don't behave the way you think guys would prefer; behave the way you like things to be.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
It seems that a lot of people believe guys should be the ones to ask the girls out, or to go on a date. But how do guys really feel about that? Should it always be the guy who pays for everything all the time, or set up the dates?
VictorM's advice:
The questions you ask aren't easily answered in general terms. That's because cultural background, religion, upbringing, and financial situation all greatly affect how each male behaves.
We do know that males have that "conqueror" bone in their bodies and often will lose interest in a girl if she poses no challenge. For this reason, I always recommend that girls don't confess their feelings for a guy first; guys can lose interest and all too often play games with a girl they know likes them. That all changes if they feel they are the ones that swept her of her feet.
Ultimately, there isn't a one-answer-fits-all. Any girl should feel free to ask a guy out on a date or offer to pay. How he reacts tells you a lot about his machismo or chauvinism. You have to be careful because refusal to accept a girl paying can just be chivalry, but if you pay close attention, you should be able to tell the difference. Either way, you are better off knowing this about him well upfront before you waste too much of your time with a guy that's not a good fit for how you view the male-female roles.
What I'm saying is, don't behave the way you think guys would prefer; behave the way you like things to be.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
All he does is hurt me
Samantha, 19, from Kentucky asks:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. He just got out of jail about 2 weeks ago. He was in there for 4 months, before he went to jail we had a really bad relationship and he left me for a 15 year old (he's 20). While he was in jail we talked everything out and he was a completely different person in there. Well, when he got out I thought everything was going to be perfect like we had talked about: moving in together and starting a family, changing our bad habits and just gonna be happy for once like it was when we were together before we both cheated -- it wasn't just him! But I have changed since we've gotten back together I just want to be with him and be happy. But he still talks to that 15 year old and I know they're doing more than that! I know he loves me and I love him, but he won't stop cheating. What am I suppose to do? It's harder to leave him than everyone thinks. How can I make myself stop calling him or stop wanting to be with him cause all he does is hurt me? Help me!
VictorM's advice:
Let's get something out of the way: what you feel for him is NOT love. It's an addiction, much like drug addicts to their drugs. And likewise, he has no love for you whatsover, so don't fool yourself believing he does. You two are just magnets for failure.
You're chasing the futile dream that somehow he's going to turn into the kind of man you want. It's not going to happen. You will never be free from this guy unless you understand why you got attracted to someone like him in the first place. The odds are that you're trying to fix a hole in your upbringing by doing to this guy -- making him change -- what you could never do for some authority figure that has let you down as a child, quite likely a father who was not there or was a poor role model.
If you don't get to the bottom of this, even if you can set yourself free from this guy, the next one will be a loser just like him. So, the message here is don't look for this guy's failings as a reason for your situation; you have to look at yourself. You are the problem, and only you are the cure.
Professional counseling would be nice, if you can afford it. Without that, I'm afraid things aren't so simple. I doubt I can say what it would take for you to understand what you need to do. Put simply, if you want to change who you get attracted to, you have to change something about yourself. You need to fully comprehend that whatever happened as a child, you weren't responsible for and you have no penitence to pay. Your "love" for a loser like him is nothing more than a subconcious desire for punishment for something you feel guilty about, which you probably shouldn't, but how can I convince you of that? I can't.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. He just got out of jail about 2 weeks ago. He was in there for 4 months, before he went to jail we had a really bad relationship and he left me for a 15 year old (he's 20). While he was in jail we talked everything out and he was a completely different person in there. Well, when he got out I thought everything was going to be perfect like we had talked about: moving in together and starting a family, changing our bad habits and just gonna be happy for once like it was when we were together before we both cheated -- it wasn't just him! But I have changed since we've gotten back together I just want to be with him and be happy. But he still talks to that 15 year old and I know they're doing more than that! I know he loves me and I love him, but he won't stop cheating. What am I suppose to do? It's harder to leave him than everyone thinks. How can I make myself stop calling him or stop wanting to be with him cause all he does is hurt me? Help me!
VictorM's advice:
Let's get something out of the way: what you feel for him is NOT love. It's an addiction, much like drug addicts to their drugs. And likewise, he has no love for you whatsover, so don't fool yourself believing he does. You two are just magnets for failure.
You're chasing the futile dream that somehow he's going to turn into the kind of man you want. It's not going to happen. You will never be free from this guy unless you understand why you got attracted to someone like him in the first place. The odds are that you're trying to fix a hole in your upbringing by doing to this guy -- making him change -- what you could never do for some authority figure that has let you down as a child, quite likely a father who was not there or was a poor role model.
If you don't get to the bottom of this, even if you can set yourself free from this guy, the next one will be a loser just like him. So, the message here is don't look for this guy's failings as a reason for your situation; you have to look at yourself. You are the problem, and only you are the cure.
Professional counseling would be nice, if you can afford it. Without that, I'm afraid things aren't so simple. I doubt I can say what it would take for you to understand what you need to do. Put simply, if you want to change who you get attracted to, you have to change something about yourself. You need to fully comprehend that whatever happened as a child, you weren't responsible for and you have no penitence to pay. Your "love" for a loser like him is nothing more than a subconcious desire for punishment for something you feel guilty about, which you probably shouldn't, but how can I convince you of that? I can't.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
He's still seeing the other girl
Anon, 19, from South Africa asks:
Me and my boyfriend have been going out for over 3 years. For the past couple of months he has been behaving as though he can't stand it to be with me. I also recently found out he had been cheating on me. I had decided to give him another chance to try and work things out and he also agreed to end things with the other girl, but I recently found out that he was still seeing her. As far as I know this has been going on for about 3 months and every time I confront him he asks me to give him another chance because he wants to be with me and only me, but he keeps lying about ending things with her, which I think is because he has no intention of leaving her. Please help! Confused
VictorM's advice:
Confused? What's there to be confused about? Guys like this don't change overnight. I'm willing to venture a guess here: she's not the only one in the last 3 years, and if you keep him, she won't be the last. This notion that guys can change overnight are possible in B-movie scripts and crappy romance novels; in reality the odds are very low.
No, you're not confused; you're delusional. Snap out of it!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, cheating, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and my boyfriend have been going out for over 3 years. For the past couple of months he has been behaving as though he can't stand it to be with me. I also recently found out he had been cheating on me. I had decided to give him another chance to try and work things out and he also agreed to end things with the other girl, but I recently found out that he was still seeing her. As far as I know this has been going on for about 3 months and every time I confront him he asks me to give him another chance because he wants to be with me and only me, but he keeps lying about ending things with her, which I think is because he has no intention of leaving her. Please help! Confused
VictorM's advice:
Confused? What's there to be confused about? Guys like this don't change overnight. I'm willing to venture a guess here: she's not the only one in the last 3 years, and if you keep him, she won't be the last. This notion that guys can change overnight are possible in B-movie scripts and crappy romance novels; in reality the odds are very low.
No, you're not confused; you're delusional. Snap out of it!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, cheating, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, April 03, 2006
Long distance guy loses interest
Milly, 28, from UK asks:
I have been in touch (relationship) with a 33 year old man who lives abroad for the last five months. Everything seemed to be going fairly well, I had flown out to see him a few times (easy for me to do being long haul cabin crew with flight discounts) and we had a nice time together. He told me he was ready to settle down as he's been single for a long time. I also told him the same. He also asked if I would consider moving out there and last time I was there I met his friends. He usually calls once or twice a week and emails a couple of times a week. He used to call more than once in a day from work sometimes and after a drunken night out when he was feeling romantic. We were planning on me flying out there again at the end of this month. But the last couple of weeks I've not heard from him much at all, he hasn't called when he said he would and I've ended up calling him instead. He says its because he's very busy with work at the moment, but he hasn't been too busy to hang out with friends etc. After a couple of angry and frustrated phone calls to him and an email explaining how this is all making me feel, with no response from him, I ended it by sending an angry email. I felt I had no choice as he wouldn't confront me.Why hasn't he responded to any of my concerns? Why hasn't he responded to me ending the relationship?
VictorM's advice:
It appears he lost interest in you. Being busy at work is a silly excuse -- everyone has a minute or two to make a call or send an email, and as you said, he had time for his friends. So, it seems a pretty solid conclusion that he's no longer into you. That being the case, why bother replying to someone who's angry? Why upset his day confronting someone who: 1) is far away, and 2) you no longer care for? (I'm not saying that's right, just telling you what he probably is thinking.) But why not say it to you, right? Because guys are too practical and cowardly when it comes to these things. They hate to spend the time explaining something that's hard to explain. How do you tell someone that they no longer spark your life? It's a very unpleasant task, one that most guys avoid. So, instead they lie and they hide.
Don't waste your energies with the guy. Any more exchanges between you two would only make him want to deal with you even less. He's made up his mind that you're history; you need to convince yourself you're lucky he's acting this way BEFORE you got any more serious. You are one of the lucky ones that discovers ahead of time what most only discover after marriage.
I suggest you try finding someone new closer to home. We read about couples that met online or have successful long distance relationships, but I still strongly believe that the ratio of success is very low. Out of sight, out of mind, as the saying goes.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been in touch (relationship) with a 33 year old man who lives abroad for the last five months. Everything seemed to be going fairly well, I had flown out to see him a few times (easy for me to do being long haul cabin crew with flight discounts) and we had a nice time together. He told me he was ready to settle down as he's been single for a long time. I also told him the same. He also asked if I would consider moving out there and last time I was there I met his friends. He usually calls once or twice a week and emails a couple of times a week. He used to call more than once in a day from work sometimes and after a drunken night out when he was feeling romantic. We were planning on me flying out there again at the end of this month. But the last couple of weeks I've not heard from him much at all, he hasn't called when he said he would and I've ended up calling him instead. He says its because he's very busy with work at the moment, but he hasn't been too busy to hang out with friends etc. After a couple of angry and frustrated phone calls to him and an email explaining how this is all making me feel, with no response from him, I ended it by sending an angry email. I felt I had no choice as he wouldn't confront me.Why hasn't he responded to any of my concerns? Why hasn't he responded to me ending the relationship?
VictorM's advice:
It appears he lost interest in you. Being busy at work is a silly excuse -- everyone has a minute or two to make a call or send an email, and as you said, he had time for his friends. So, it seems a pretty solid conclusion that he's no longer into you. That being the case, why bother replying to someone who's angry? Why upset his day confronting someone who: 1) is far away, and 2) you no longer care for? (I'm not saying that's right, just telling you what he probably is thinking.) But why not say it to you, right? Because guys are too practical and cowardly when it comes to these things. They hate to spend the time explaining something that's hard to explain. How do you tell someone that they no longer spark your life? It's a very unpleasant task, one that most guys avoid. So, instead they lie and they hide.
Don't waste your energies with the guy. Any more exchanges between you two would only make him want to deal with you even less. He's made up his mind that you're history; you need to convince yourself you're lucky he's acting this way BEFORE you got any more serious. You are one of the lucky ones that discovers ahead of time what most only discover after marriage.
I suggest you try finding someone new closer to home. We read about couples that met online or have successful long distance relationships, but I still strongly believe that the ratio of success is very low. Out of sight, out of mind, as the saying goes.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
How to have sex
mavura, 22, from south africa asks:
I am a boy. I never make sex in my life, but right now I have a girlfriend. Could you please advice me what to do if want to have sex with her. Especially when I'm about to put my penis to her vagina. I would be happy if advice me.
VictorM's advice:
There's only two things you need: One, you already know where the penis goes, so you're well on your way; two, you need her consent. Unless she's 100% sure she wants to do it, you hold back.
Trust me, there are no secrets from here on. No password to get in, no maze to navigate, no quiz to pass. After this first step, just think of the Abbott and Costello comedy routine: backup, go ahead. Backup, go ahead. Then, you'll have plenty of treasures to discover. If you pay attention to her, you will find them.
Humans have been finding their way with sex for thousands of years. Even before the Internet, before ARGville, and before self-help books, we found a way to reproduce. All you need is your human instinct -- it will not fail you, my friend.
Just make sure you have protection (condoms and birth control). Other than that, go get her tiger. Don't forget to pound your chest after.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, sex, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am a boy. I never make sex in my life, but right now I have a girlfriend. Could you please advice me what to do if want to have sex with her. Especially when I'm about to put my penis to her vagina. I would be happy if advice me.
VictorM's advice:
There's only two things you need: One, you already know where the penis goes, so you're well on your way; two, you need her consent. Unless she's 100% sure she wants to do it, you hold back.
Trust me, there are no secrets from here on. No password to get in, no maze to navigate, no quiz to pass. After this first step, just think of the Abbott and Costello comedy routine: backup, go ahead. Backup, go ahead. Then, you'll have plenty of treasures to discover. If you pay attention to her, you will find them.
Humans have been finding their way with sex for thousands of years. Even before the Internet, before ARGville, and before self-help books, we found a way to reproduce. All you need is your human instinct -- it will not fail you, my friend.
Just make sure you have protection (condoms and birth control). Other than that, go get her tiger. Don't forget to pound your chest after.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, sex, boyfriend, girlfriend
Polyamorous
Alex, 21, from Melbourne asks:
I'm involved with a girl -- I'm a dyke, right? -- well, she (Nancy) has a girlfriend (Irena), but they're polyamorous. I'm a big believer in polyamory, but the thing is, I'm falling for Nancy, and *I* want to be the girlfriend... But at the same time, I kind of like Irena romantically too. They're both very open, I kind of want to be the third member of their couple. For a straight guy... Do you have any idea whether a couple of carpet-munchers will fall for my devious plan, and thus, fall for me? It's been AAAAGES since I felt anything serious for anyone, and I feel like it'd be stupid to just walk away once the sex is over when it could be special. Is it human nature that we'll all get jealous and fall apart, or is it simply a matter of diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks?
VictorM's advice:
As a straight guy, I only have one thing to say: take pics!
OK, seriously, I have no clue. Polyamory isn't exactly something that comes up often, much less among all girls. But I don't think I'd be out of line to say that jealousy will be a certainty in such an arrangement.
I thought "carpet-muncher" was a derogatory term. Isn't it?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, lesbian, girlfriend
I'm involved with a girl -- I'm a dyke, right? -- well, she (Nancy) has a girlfriend (Irena), but they're polyamorous. I'm a big believer in polyamory, but the thing is, I'm falling for Nancy, and *I* want to be the girlfriend... But at the same time, I kind of like Irena romantically too. They're both very open, I kind of want to be the third member of their couple. For a straight guy... Do you have any idea whether a couple of carpet-munchers will fall for my devious plan, and thus, fall for me? It's been AAAAGES since I felt anything serious for anyone, and I feel like it'd be stupid to just walk away once the sex is over when it could be special. Is it human nature that we'll all get jealous and fall apart, or is it simply a matter of diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks?
VictorM's advice:
As a straight guy, I only have one thing to say: take pics!
OK, seriously, I have no clue. Polyamory isn't exactly something that comes up often, much less among all girls. But I don't think I'd be out of line to say that jealousy will be a certainty in such an arrangement.
I thought "carpet-muncher" was a derogatory term. Isn't it?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, lesbian, girlfriend
I don't want to get hurt
confused, 14, from union eight grade center asks:
Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 6 months. His parents don't let him go anywhere with me without one of my parents or his parents or one of my friends but that's not the problem. I think I am in love with him and I don't think he feels the same about me and I don't want to get hurt. All I want to know is how can I tell how much he likes me?
VictorM's advice:
There is no way to tell. All you have are your instincts. Besides, someone could love you today and lose it tomorrow. You never know.
But don't be so afraid of getting hurt. As the song says, "a heart without pain is hallow". Fear of getting hurt paralyzes you. It prevents you from having fun and from enjoying life to its fullest potential. Falling in love is throwing caution to the wind and taking chances. You will get hurt, sometime by someone, that's a certainty. And you will live to love stronger and more passionately after it. That's what life is all about. Humans have an amazing ability to love and to heal.
So just go out there, relax, and enjoy life! It's going to be great.
Oh, and be generous with street musicians.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 6 months. His parents don't let him go anywhere with me without one of my parents or his parents or one of my friends but that's not the problem. I think I am in love with him and I don't think he feels the same about me and I don't want to get hurt. All I want to know is how can I tell how much he likes me?
VictorM's advice:
There is no way to tell. All you have are your instincts. Besides, someone could love you today and lose it tomorrow. You never know.
But don't be so afraid of getting hurt. As the song says, "a heart without pain is hallow". Fear of getting hurt paralyzes you. It prevents you from having fun and from enjoying life to its fullest potential. Falling in love is throwing caution to the wind and taking chances. You will get hurt, sometime by someone, that's a certainty. And you will live to love stronger and more passionately after it. That's what life is all about. Humans have an amazing ability to love and to heal.
So just go out there, relax, and enjoy life! It's going to be great.
Oh, and be generous with street musicians.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, April 02, 2006
I'd like to be his girlfriend
Jenny, 17, from Australia asks:
There is a guy I know at school who I really like who likes me too. He seemed really into me at first by following me around and flirting with me. I've been to his house a few times and we kissed and fooled around, but didn't have sex. He knows I like him too but lately he seems distant and has been insulting me a lot. I don't know why he is acting like this. I'd like to be his girlfriend but I don't want to push for too much too soon. Has he lost interest in me?
VictorM's advice:
If by "insulting me a lot" you mean in a joking manner, it just means he's getting more comfortable with you. If, however, his insults are of a more serious nature, it could mean he's had enough of you.
But whether he's joking with those insults or not, you should stop him. Insults, joking or otherwise, never lead to anything good.
I don't know, this sounds like a crazy idea, but wouldn't it be wiser to want to be the girlfriend of someone who treats you nicely?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, insults, boyfriend, girlfriend
There is a guy I know at school who I really like who likes me too. He seemed really into me at first by following me around and flirting with me. I've been to his house a few times and we kissed and fooled around, but didn't have sex. He knows I like him too but lately he seems distant and has been insulting me a lot. I don't know why he is acting like this. I'd like to be his girlfriend but I don't want to push for too much too soon. Has he lost interest in me?
VictorM's advice:
If by "insulting me a lot" you mean in a joking manner, it just means he's getting more comfortable with you. If, however, his insults are of a more serious nature, it could mean he's had enough of you.
But whether he's joking with those insults or not, you should stop him. Insults, joking or otherwise, never lead to anything good.
I don't know, this sounds like a crazy idea, but wouldn't it be wiser to want to be the girlfriend of someone who treats you nicely?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, insults, boyfriend, girlfriend
I really messed up
mandy, 24, from uk asks:
My ex boyfriend is in debt but pays it off monthly. I borrowed money from him on the condition he'd get it back because I lost my bank card. I then went away for three weeks with work. During this time I should have put money in his bank but I didn't because I handled my finances badly this month which I have never done before. Whilst I was away he had to borrow money from his mates and his car insurance bounced, so he was really angry. Then when I came back I was skint and he saw me in a different light, finished with me saying he didn't feel the same and he doesn't want a relationship because it's too much hassle( this was 3 days ago). I also took him for granted a few weeks before I went away by letting him run around doing things for me and neglecting him when I was doing course work. I am not a bad person but I know I absolutely took him for granted. The next day I went berserk and said I never wanted to speak to him again, which really upset him. However whilst thinking about it I realised if we were to get back we would have to be friends because there would have to be a line of communication open. He said he was really glad, since then we have been friendly to each other in work, but I've kept my distance by not pestering him. I also sat down and talked to him about giving the money I lent off him back tomorrow on pay day and giving our personal belongings back to each other. This way I hope to show him I wasn't taking him for a ride and I am not a monster. Do you think there is any possibility of me winning him back by showing him I really messed up by being so selfish because I am not normally I just had too many things change all at once for me in my life, it is out of character. I know he still has feelings for me because he still cares and he didn't want us not to speak. Bottom line any tips for showing him I am the one even though I messed up.
VictorM's advice:
I'm proud of him. Way to get your ass in gear.
If you are his "one" he'll take you back. Guys usually are very forgiving about stuff like this. They'll be mad for a few days, but once they work that anger out of their system, everything is back to normal. So, the best you can do is stay in touch with him and be the kind of person he fell in love with in the first place. It will help if you have learnt your lesson, but that's stuff for the future. For now, just give him time to get the anger out of his system.
If you haven't admitted to him that you messed up, do it. You seem genuinely sorry for what happened. Make sure he knows that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
My ex boyfriend is in debt but pays it off monthly. I borrowed money from him on the condition he'd get it back because I lost my bank card. I then went away for three weeks with work. During this time I should have put money in his bank but I didn't because I handled my finances badly this month which I have never done before. Whilst I was away he had to borrow money from his mates and his car insurance bounced, so he was really angry. Then when I came back I was skint and he saw me in a different light, finished with me saying he didn't feel the same and he doesn't want a relationship because it's too much hassle( this was 3 days ago). I also took him for granted a few weeks before I went away by letting him run around doing things for me and neglecting him when I was doing course work. I am not a bad person but I know I absolutely took him for granted. The next day I went berserk and said I never wanted to speak to him again, which really upset him. However whilst thinking about it I realised if we were to get back we would have to be friends because there would have to be a line of communication open. He said he was really glad, since then we have been friendly to each other in work, but I've kept my distance by not pestering him. I also sat down and talked to him about giving the money I lent off him back tomorrow on pay day and giving our personal belongings back to each other. This way I hope to show him I wasn't taking him for a ride and I am not a monster. Do you think there is any possibility of me winning him back by showing him I really messed up by being so selfish because I am not normally I just had too many things change all at once for me in my life, it is out of character. I know he still has feelings for me because he still cares and he didn't want us not to speak. Bottom line any tips for showing him I am the one even though I messed up.
VictorM's advice:
I'm proud of him. Way to get your ass in gear.
If you are his "one" he'll take you back. Guys usually are very forgiving about stuff like this. They'll be mad for a few days, but once they work that anger out of their system, everything is back to normal. So, the best you can do is stay in touch with him and be the kind of person he fell in love with in the first place. It will help if you have learnt your lesson, but that's stuff for the future. For now, just give him time to get the anger out of his system.
If you haven't admitted to him that you messed up, do it. You seem genuinely sorry for what happened. Make sure he knows that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, April 01, 2006
I'm friends with this really cute guy
ashley, 17, from calgary asks:
I'm friends with this really cute guy. he was in 2 of my classes last semester and is in one class this semester. I've known him for about 3 months now and I find him really attractive and I love his personality. Anyway, I accidentally told him I liked him, not on purpose and he said he was getting a call on the other line of his friends cell phone. He practically said he wasn't interested but when he talks to me I can't tell if he likes me likes me or he's just a good listener. How do I know if his feelings might have changed?
VictorM's advice:
You "accidentally" told him you liked him? That's like the line in movie Chicago: "And then he ran into my knife... he ran into my knife ten times. " But, anyway, seems like he's given you his answer. Could his feelings change? Most definitely. But if they do, you will notice a change in attitude. The fact that you haven't noticed a change gives you the answer you dread.
Don't dismiss that he might like you and enjoy talking to you without liking you "like that".
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm friends with this really cute guy. he was in 2 of my classes last semester and is in one class this semester. I've known him for about 3 months now and I find him really attractive and I love his personality. Anyway, I accidentally told him I liked him, not on purpose and he said he was getting a call on the other line of his friends cell phone. He practically said he wasn't interested but when he talks to me I can't tell if he likes me likes me or he's just a good listener. How do I know if his feelings might have changed?
VictorM's advice:
You "accidentally" told him you liked him? That's like the line in movie Chicago: "And then he ran into my knife... he ran into my knife ten times. " But, anyway, seems like he's given you his answer. Could his feelings change? Most definitely. But if they do, you will notice a change in attitude. The fact that you haven't noticed a change gives you the answer you dread.
Don't dismiss that he might like you and enjoy talking to you without liking you "like that".
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
In the beginning it was fun, but not now
Catherine, 19, from New Jersey asks:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four months. In the beginning it was fun. We always talked and laughed but now he practically stopped calling me! It's been almost a week since we've spoken but I don't want to always be the one to call him. He used to call me just as much as I called him almost. Also, he works and goes to school but never finds time for us to hangout but then tells me how bad he feels and how much he misses me. He acts like he's still into me when we're together, but when we're not I rarely hear from him on the phone or the internet. I already tried talking to him, he says he forgets to call me, and how our schedules are terrible, but yet he can always seem to get together with his friends and doesn't ask what days I have off so how does he even know my schedule! My friends tell me to talk to him again but I'm not sure how.
VictorM's advice:
Talking to him again isn't going to do any good. What you have to do is stop rewarding his bad behavior. I mean, if after not calling and making time for his friends but not you, he still gets the rewards of your company (making-out, maybe even sex) why should he change?
Guys get lazy once they feel secure in a relationship. In that respect he's no different than the vast majority of guys. But that is so only to the extent that you allow it. You have to set the conditions that will allow him to prove he's willing to work to keep you, or you let him go.
Stop calling him. See how long it takes before he "remembers" to call you. Stop nagging him when he does call. In fact, reward him with niceness when he calls. Spend time with your friends and do fun things with them. Make sure he knows how much fun you're having instead of telling him how lonely you feel without him. Let him think you don't need him. Turn him down a couple of times saying you have made plans already.
You may think that appearing a little indifferent may scare him away. Well, it may, in which case you will know he wasn't that much into you anymore, but most likely it'll put him back in the mode he was in when you two were having fun, when he was still trying to sweep you off your feet.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four months. In the beginning it was fun. We always talked and laughed but now he practically stopped calling me! It's been almost a week since we've spoken but I don't want to always be the one to call him. He used to call me just as much as I called him almost. Also, he works and goes to school but never finds time for us to hangout but then tells me how bad he feels and how much he misses me. He acts like he's still into me when we're together, but when we're not I rarely hear from him on the phone or the internet. I already tried talking to him, he says he forgets to call me, and how our schedules are terrible, but yet he can always seem to get together with his friends and doesn't ask what days I have off so how does he even know my schedule! My friends tell me to talk to him again but I'm not sure how.
VictorM's advice:
Talking to him again isn't going to do any good. What you have to do is stop rewarding his bad behavior. I mean, if after not calling and making time for his friends but not you, he still gets the rewards of your company (making-out, maybe even sex) why should he change?
Guys get lazy once they feel secure in a relationship. In that respect he's no different than the vast majority of guys. But that is so only to the extent that you allow it. You have to set the conditions that will allow him to prove he's willing to work to keep you, or you let him go.
Stop calling him. See how long it takes before he "remembers" to call you. Stop nagging him when he does call. In fact, reward him with niceness when he calls. Spend time with your friends and do fun things with them. Make sure he knows how much fun you're having instead of telling him how lonely you feel without him. Let him think you don't need him. Turn him down a couple of times saying you have made plans already.
You may think that appearing a little indifferent may scare him away. Well, it may, in which case you will know he wasn't that much into you anymore, but most likely it'll put him back in the mode he was in when you two were having fun, when he was still trying to sweep you off your feet.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
We just broke up
Emily, 28, from Ireland asks:
I was with my boyfriend on and off for the last year and a half. We just broke up in early February for the fourth time since we have been together. For the first 7 months that we were together he told me that he has never been happier in all his life, his brother even said it to me that he has never seen him so happy since he met me. I had never been happier. Then out of the blue his ex texts him (they were together 7 years, they finished two and a half years before we got together). He told me about the txts and told me they spoke on the phone but shortly after that we split up because he said he needed time that all the memories of his past relationship was haunting him. To cut a long story short we were back and on and off until early February this year. I noticed that he used to start fights before occasions and this time it was before a wedding we were invited to and before Valentines. This time I finished it. Three weeks ago he text me to say that he missed me but I didn't reply and then last weekend he kept texting me and phoned me practically begging me back. This has happened too many times before, which I told him, but he asked if I would think about it, so I did. I called him last night and told him that he is still scarred from his last relationship and it was making trouble for ours so maybe he should go and speak to someone about it. He was stunned as he was convinced that I would come back as I did every other time. He just said he was sorry for not being a good boyfriend and to look after myself. Obviously he won't go and get counselling. The reason why I said this was because he told me before that he has often thought about going to speak to someone. That was it!! I have been missing him so much and love him to bits. This has been going on since last August. What do I do?? I know he loves me and wants me back but he even admitted being afraid of commitment since getting hurt in his last relationship???
VictorM's advice:
So he's still hooked on his first love. Let me tell you, that is a curse. If you can, see the movie "2046" (it's a stunning artsy Chinese movie) and it's about falling in love with someone who is in love with someone else.) That's your case here. You're in love with him, he's in love with her, she's in love with someone else. Everyone in this trio came late to the party.
This has nothing to do with him being hurt; it has all to do with you being the second banana. At the slightest hint she may even give him the time of day, he's ready to run to her. And you're left with the constant breakups. That early "happier in all his life" was just his hope that he would be over her. It was forced. He really believed it, so it's not like he lied, but it wasn't real, so it didn't last.
So, what do you do? You stay with him if you want to settle for playing second fiddle and always wondering if she's going to get back in the picture, or you close the chapter on this guy and make some other guy a second banana in your life.
Let me be very blunt about this: Never mind him talking to someone; you should be the one doing it. You'll need help getting over this guy if you ever want to be happy.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was with my boyfriend on and off for the last year and a half. We just broke up in early February for the fourth time since we have been together. For the first 7 months that we were together he told me that he has never been happier in all his life, his brother even said it to me that he has never seen him so happy since he met me. I had never been happier. Then out of the blue his ex texts him (they were together 7 years, they finished two and a half years before we got together). He told me about the txts and told me they spoke on the phone but shortly after that we split up because he said he needed time that all the memories of his past relationship was haunting him. To cut a long story short we were back and on and off until early February this year. I noticed that he used to start fights before occasions and this time it was before a wedding we were invited to and before Valentines. This time I finished it. Three weeks ago he text me to say that he missed me but I didn't reply and then last weekend he kept texting me and phoned me practically begging me back. This has happened too many times before, which I told him, but he asked if I would think about it, so I did. I called him last night and told him that he is still scarred from his last relationship and it was making trouble for ours so maybe he should go and speak to someone about it. He was stunned as he was convinced that I would come back as I did every other time. He just said he was sorry for not being a good boyfriend and to look after myself. Obviously he won't go and get counselling. The reason why I said this was because he told me before that he has often thought about going to speak to someone. That was it!! I have been missing him so much and love him to bits. This has been going on since last August. What do I do?? I know he loves me and wants me back but he even admitted being afraid of commitment since getting hurt in his last relationship???
VictorM's advice:
So he's still hooked on his first love. Let me tell you, that is a curse. If you can, see the movie "2046" (it's a stunning artsy Chinese movie) and it's about falling in love with someone who is in love with someone else.) That's your case here. You're in love with him, he's in love with her, she's in love with someone else. Everyone in this trio came late to the party.
This has nothing to do with him being hurt; it has all to do with you being the second banana. At the slightest hint she may even give him the time of day, he's ready to run to her. And you're left with the constant breakups. That early "happier in all his life" was just his hope that he would be over her. It was forced. He really believed it, so it's not like he lied, but it wasn't real, so it didn't last.
So, what do you do? You stay with him if you want to settle for playing second fiddle and always wondering if she's going to get back in the picture, or you close the chapter on this guy and make some other guy a second banana in your life.
Let me be very blunt about this: Never mind him talking to someone; you should be the one doing it. You'll need help getting over this guy if you ever want to be happy.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
