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Sunday, April 30, 2006
A sign he's cheating?
SMILEY, 18, from ORANGE COUNTY asks:
My boyfriend has a job now and he never calls me or anything. The other day he had girls over at his house cooking for him and his friends. Is this a sign that he's cheating? I mean if I don't call, email or go to his house it's like I don't even exist. What should I do? He already knows how I feel.
VictorM's answer:
I don't know that it means he's cheating, but it clearly means you're not that important in his life. And if he already knows how you feel about it and makes no effort, that makes his lack of concern even more telling.
Dump him and move on.
My boyfriend has a job now and he never calls me or anything. The other day he had girls over at his house cooking for him and his friends. Is this a sign that he's cheating? I mean if I don't call, email or go to his house it's like I don't even exist. What should I do? He already knows how I feel.
VictorM's answer:
I don't know that it means he's cheating, but it clearly means you're not that important in his life. And if he already knows how you feel about it and makes no effort, that makes his lack of concern even more telling.
Dump him and move on.
Why doesn't he just tell me he likes me?
Janet, 19, from Australia asks:
I am confused about the feelings of one of my friends. He has just recently started going out with a new girl, but some things he does leaves me unsure how he feels towards me. For instance, when we are talking in a group, he talks usually directly to me, staring into my eyes. When we are out dancing he dances with me at least as much as he does with his new girlfriend. He calls me every day, and text messages me as well. He begins to act weirdly when I mention other guys, he notices every time I wear a new outfit or if I am having a 'good hair day', he stands and sits very close to me, he will walk and talk with me and leave his girlfriend walking with our other friends, who she doesn't know very well, yet he does talk about her occasionally, the list goes on and on. What is up with his behaviour? I don't understand why he acts like this when he has a girlfriend. And if he does like me why wouldn't he just tell me?
VictorM's answer:
Yeah, he likes you but what encouragement does he get from you? My guess is that he thinks you don't feel for him the way he feels for you, so at least he's trying to go on with his life, hence the girlfriend. He will NOT say anything to you about his feelings towards you because even a 1% chance of rejection would be a catastrophe and at least as things are he gets to enjoy your company.
Also, in "guy logic", getting a girlfriend and mentioning her to you could be designed to provoke a reaction from you so he can gauge weather you like him or not. He'll dump her in a heartbeat for you.
If you like him too my advice is for you to make that abundantly clear to him (no little hints; guys get no hints). And to stop talking about other guys in front of him. If you don't like him as more than friends, then do nothing.
I am confused about the feelings of one of my friends. He has just recently started going out with a new girl, but some things he does leaves me unsure how he feels towards me. For instance, when we are talking in a group, he talks usually directly to me, staring into my eyes. When we are out dancing he dances with me at least as much as he does with his new girlfriend. He calls me every day, and text messages me as well. He begins to act weirdly when I mention other guys, he notices every time I wear a new outfit or if I am having a 'good hair day', he stands and sits very close to me, he will walk and talk with me and leave his girlfriend walking with our other friends, who she doesn't know very well, yet he does talk about her occasionally, the list goes on and on. What is up with his behaviour? I don't understand why he acts like this when he has a girlfriend. And if he does like me why wouldn't he just tell me?
VictorM's answer:
Yeah, he likes you but what encouragement does he get from you? My guess is that he thinks you don't feel for him the way he feels for you, so at least he's trying to go on with his life, hence the girlfriend. He will NOT say anything to you about his feelings towards you because even a 1% chance of rejection would be a catastrophe and at least as things are he gets to enjoy your company.
Also, in "guy logic", getting a girlfriend and mentioning her to you could be designed to provoke a reaction from you so he can gauge weather you like him or not. He'll dump her in a heartbeat for you.
If you like him too my advice is for you to make that abundantly clear to him (no little hints; guys get no hints). And to stop talking about other guys in front of him. If you don't like him as more than friends, then do nothing.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Financial imbalance
steffie, 17, from new york asks:
Do guys honestly think in terms of "I'm not good enough for her?" Like a guy I know said that lots of guys think that they are not good enough for me because they come from financially much poorer backgrounds than me. Is this true or not? Because it seems really dumb.
VictorM's answer:
It may be dumb but it's totally true. It's ingrained in guys' collective gene pool to be the providers. If guys are poorer than you and feel they can't provide a life style that you're used to, they will be intimidated. Your guy friend is totally correct.
But it's not as dumb as it sounds. People generally are attracted to other people that are like them about things like: social status, economic status, religion, height, weight, intelligence, looks, etc. Everyone has some leeway about these dating parameters, but I'd say the major ones to guys are economic and height imbalance. In some cultures more than others, social status imbalance is major too.
Do guys honestly think in terms of "I'm not good enough for her?" Like a guy I know said that lots of guys think that they are not good enough for me because they come from financially much poorer backgrounds than me. Is this true or not? Because it seems really dumb.
VictorM's answer:
It may be dumb but it's totally true. It's ingrained in guys' collective gene pool to be the providers. If guys are poorer than you and feel they can't provide a life style that you're used to, they will be intimidated. Your guy friend is totally correct.
But it's not as dumb as it sounds. People generally are attracted to other people that are like them about things like: social status, economic status, religion, height, weight, intelligence, looks, etc. Everyone has some leeway about these dating parameters, but I'd say the major ones to guys are economic and height imbalance. In some cultures more than others, social status imbalance is major too.
He keeps putting off a proposal
Anon, 24, from Doncaster asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years, and we've been living together for 3 years, he is the same age as me. The trouble is that I want to get married and start a family, and I'm not that sure that he does. To be honest I knew that he was the one for me from the very beginning and would have married him straight away if he asked! However he was reluctant to move in with me so early in our relationship, but the past three years have been great. We have talked about marriage, and he says that he wants to marry me but not yet. I have been trying to show him that I can be the perfect wife, cooking, cleaning attending to his every need etc...but he keeps putting off a proposal. First he said that he would propose once we have been together for a couple of years, the he said when I finish at Uni. Now I have finished a three year course and he says that he wants to wait until we have bought a house. I feel like he is the one for me, but as I am 25 this year I don't know how long he expects me to wait. I feel that I am going to have to decide if I am happy to just carry on like this - or if he really is stringing me along I should cut my losses. Do you think that he will ever propose? He wants to have kids and the whole happy family - but he keeps putting things off - and we're both not getting any younger. Mine and his friends are all engaged/married and have even started to ask him why he hasn't popped the question, my mum is even hinting if she will ever be a grandma. I just don't know what else to do. If I give him an ultimatum he will say that I can't love him that much to stick with him - and I don't want to lose him - just the opposite. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he shouldn't have been promising to get married, but I don't see the big deal with waiting -- you're still so young. Having said that, are his actions common sense or cold feet? It's not unusual for guys to: 1) not be in a rush to wed even if they are happy; and 2) to want to have their finances in older to make sure they are good providers. So, what to do?
Focus on this: "the past three years have been great" and this: "I feel like he is the one for me." Do you know how many girls today can say that? Not many. While the delays could be indicative of a problem, he's still very young and his reluctance, from a guy's point of view, is justified. Please keep in mind that marriage is not as sacred to guys as it is to girls. Plus, he seems to be the cautious type, being reluctant to move in with you too soon. But where do you draw the line and give him that ultimatum? I wish I knew, but I don't know. At some point, you will have to. Maybe the "3 strikes and you're out" kinda thing.
The one thing I know is that you should tell you mom to stay out of this. Her selfishness isn't helping.
You may want to discuss the buying the house before marriage idea with a lawyer. There are a lot of legal issues with that picture. Being married first and then buying a house makes more sense to me because legally you're on solid ground as a married couple.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years, and we've been living together for 3 years, he is the same age as me. The trouble is that I want to get married and start a family, and I'm not that sure that he does. To be honest I knew that he was the one for me from the very beginning and would have married him straight away if he asked! However he was reluctant to move in with me so early in our relationship, but the past three years have been great. We have talked about marriage, and he says that he wants to marry me but not yet. I have been trying to show him that I can be the perfect wife, cooking, cleaning attending to his every need etc...but he keeps putting off a proposal. First he said that he would propose once we have been together for a couple of years, the he said when I finish at Uni. Now I have finished a three year course and he says that he wants to wait until we have bought a house. I feel like he is the one for me, but as I am 25 this year I don't know how long he expects me to wait. I feel that I am going to have to decide if I am happy to just carry on like this - or if he really is stringing me along I should cut my losses. Do you think that he will ever propose? He wants to have kids and the whole happy family - but he keeps putting things off - and we're both not getting any younger. Mine and his friends are all engaged/married and have even started to ask him why he hasn't popped the question, my mum is even hinting if she will ever be a grandma. I just don't know what else to do. If I give him an ultimatum he will say that I can't love him that much to stick with him - and I don't want to lose him - just the opposite. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
Maybe he shouldn't have been promising to get married, but I don't see the big deal with waiting -- you're still so young. Having said that, are his actions common sense or cold feet? It's not unusual for guys to: 1) not be in a rush to wed even if they are happy; and 2) to want to have their finances in older to make sure they are good providers. So, what to do?
Focus on this: "the past three years have been great" and this: "I feel like he is the one for me." Do you know how many girls today can say that? Not many. While the delays could be indicative of a problem, he's still very young and his reluctance, from a guy's point of view, is justified. Please keep in mind that marriage is not as sacred to guys as it is to girls. Plus, he seems to be the cautious type, being reluctant to move in with you too soon. But where do you draw the line and give him that ultimatum? I wish I knew, but I don't know. At some point, you will have to. Maybe the "3 strikes and you're out" kinda thing.
The one thing I know is that you should tell you mom to stay out of this. Her selfishness isn't helping.
You may want to discuss the buying the house before marriage idea with a lawyer. There are a lot of legal issues with that picture. Being married first and then buying a house makes more sense to me because legally you're on solid ground as a married couple.
Friday, April 28, 2006
He's pushy, accuses me of incest, but...I LOVE HIM
nicky, 18, from buffalo, NY asks:
Alright, listen to this- I been going out with this guy for 1 1/2 yr. He was/is very pushy and keeps accusing me of cheating on him with his friends and my own cousins!!! yuck! He gets mad at me for no reason and when I ask him why, he hangs up on me... But I don't wanna break up with him... I love him a lot.
VictorM's answer:
It would be inappropriate for me to kick any 18 year old girl's ass, even if only virtually or figuratively. So, please, will someone else do it for me? Lee? Tara? Baby? Anybody?!
Alright, listen to this- I been going out with this guy for 1 1/2 yr. He was/is very pushy and keeps accusing me of cheating on him with his friends and my own cousins!!! yuck! He gets mad at me for no reason and when I ask him why, he hangs up on me... But I don't wanna break up with him... I love him a lot.
VictorM's answer:
It would be inappropriate for me to kick any 18 year old girl's ass, even if only virtually or figuratively. So, please, will someone else do it for me? Lee? Tara? Baby? Anybody?!
Why'd ya break up
suesun, 36, from Georgia asks:
I am recently divorced after ten years. It's pretty complicated and it was painful. Dating again I am wondering how to answer the question "Why'd ya break up?" Is it better to just keep it short and simple than to do a blow by blow of the last years of a relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT answer that question.
First, it's virtually impossible to put into words all the events and emotions that lead to a breakup. Second, it's emotionally quite taxing to talk about it unless you're ready to. Third, I says something negative about a guy who asks that question... it strikes me as too intrusive, too nosy, too judgmental. Fourth, it's really none of anyone else's business until you elect to make it so. At some point, you may feel like talking about it, but it should happen on your own terms, when you're ready.
So what to answer, short of walking out on such guy? How about what you told me: "It's pretty complicated and it was painful" and add, "I'd rather not talk about it." If he gets turned off, good for you -- you've found a way to identify a guy who lacks manners and sensitivity.
Besides, anyone too bent on the past more than on the future is likely to make a poor mate.
I am recently divorced after ten years. It's pretty complicated and it was painful. Dating again I am wondering how to answer the question "Why'd ya break up?" Is it better to just keep it short and simple than to do a blow by blow of the last years of a relationship?
VictorM's advice:
Do NOT answer that question.
First, it's virtually impossible to put into words all the events and emotions that lead to a breakup. Second, it's emotionally quite taxing to talk about it unless you're ready to. Third, I says something negative about a guy who asks that question... it strikes me as too intrusive, too nosy, too judgmental. Fourth, it's really none of anyone else's business until you elect to make it so. At some point, you may feel like talking about it, but it should happen on your own terms, when you're ready.
So what to answer, short of walking out on such guy? How about what you told me: "It's pretty complicated and it was painful" and add, "I'd rather not talk about it." If he gets turned off, good for you -- you've found a way to identify a guy who lacks manners and sensitivity.
Besides, anyone too bent on the past more than on the future is likely to make a poor mate.
I would like to know him better
Sara, 19, from England asks:
There's this cute guy that is a friend of one of my friends. I have only met him once or twice and never really spoken to him. However, I would like to get to know him better. How do I do this without making it obvious, and without seeming desperate? I don't really want my friend to know that I am overly interested either because I would just rather see where it goes. What do you suggest?
VictorM's advice:
Find out something about him that he's passionate about or knows a lot about, and ask him questions about that subject. Guys love to show off and this way you'll get to know him a little better under cover of wanting to learn more about a subject. In the process, you'll either connect with him or you won't.
Besides, if you show interest in something he loves/knows a lot about, your odds of him wanting to spend time with you increase dramatically.
There's this cute guy that is a friend of one of my friends. I have only met him once or twice and never really spoken to him. However, I would like to get to know him better. How do I do this without making it obvious, and without seeming desperate? I don't really want my friend to know that I am overly interested either because I would just rather see where it goes. What do you suggest?
VictorM's advice:
Find out something about him that he's passionate about or knows a lot about, and ask him questions about that subject. Guys love to show off and this way you'll get to know him a little better under cover of wanting to learn more about a subject. In the process, you'll either connect with him or you won't.
Besides, if you show interest in something he loves/knows a lot about, your odds of him wanting to spend time with you increase dramatically.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Sitting alphabet
Brett, 23, from Hawaii asks:
I work in dinner theatre, and for the past six months we've been working on a production of "Peter Pan". For one scene, the director blocked me auspiciously seated in my crush's lap. The position in which he sat was originally a "v". After spring break it turned into a "p" and if I so much as accidentally touch his left leg it hops up as well. I was on iVillage one day and by curiosity I found the "18 Body Language Clues He's Interested"- it turns out the lad has done all but two on that list (lending coat and rolling pop can) and plus, he gazes at me incredibly. I believe, though, I want to hear it from you, that the sexual tension can be cut with a knife. It's just, what do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Sit like a "u" when he sits like a "v", and like a "c" to his "p".
Seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about.
I work in dinner theatre, and for the past six months we've been working on a production of "Peter Pan". For one scene, the director blocked me auspiciously seated in my crush's lap. The position in which he sat was originally a "v". After spring break it turned into a "p" and if I so much as accidentally touch his left leg it hops up as well. I was on iVillage one day and by curiosity I found the "18 Body Language Clues He's Interested"- it turns out the lad has done all but two on that list (lending coat and rolling pop can) and plus, he gazes at me incredibly. I believe, though, I want to hear it from you, that the sexual tension can be cut with a knife. It's just, what do I do?
VictorM's advice:
Sit like a "u" when he sits like a "v", and like a "c" to his "p".
Seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about.
Sex too soon
Samantha, 21, from Philadelphia asks:
The guy I'm hooking up with for about a month broke up with his long-term girlfriend about 3 months ago. We've been hooking up for about a month, but we've established that it's more than hooking up. We're exclusive, but we're not boyfriend/girlfriend. Last night he told me that he thinks that we had sex too soon (we had sex for the first time last week) because he thought that it would take the relationship to the next level of commitment that he's not ready for. I hadn't been thinking that, but we talked for a while, and then ended up having sex anyway. What does that mean?
VictorM's answer:
OK, let me get this straight. You had sex with him after about three weeks and you're not even boyfriend/girlfriend. But you're exclusive. What the heck does that mean, you're exclusive? Let me take a guess: you screw each other but not others. Right? So, to put it plainly, you're his fuck buddy.
Well, it's a safe bet that most guys do not want to get serious with fuck buddies; they serve only one purpose.
So, what this all means is he's getting ready to find a serious girlfriend, and you're not it.
The guy I'm hooking up with for about a month broke up with his long-term girlfriend about 3 months ago. We've been hooking up for about a month, but we've established that it's more than hooking up. We're exclusive, but we're not boyfriend/girlfriend. Last night he told me that he thinks that we had sex too soon (we had sex for the first time last week) because he thought that it would take the relationship to the next level of commitment that he's not ready for. I hadn't been thinking that, but we talked for a while, and then ended up having sex anyway. What does that mean?
VictorM's answer:
OK, let me get this straight. You had sex with him after about three weeks and you're not even boyfriend/girlfriend. But you're exclusive. What the heck does that mean, you're exclusive? Let me take a guess: you screw each other but not others. Right? So, to put it plainly, you're his fuck buddy.
Well, it's a safe bet that most guys do not want to get serious with fuck buddies; they serve only one purpose.
So, what this all means is he's getting ready to find a serious girlfriend, and you're not it.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
What do I say to him?
sydny, 18, from canada asks:
I have this crush on a guy who I have only talked to once a few months ago and I really like him. I added him om msn, however, he never came on. I was hoping that I could talk to him a bit (at least on msn since I never see him at school) before telling him that I like him, but I guess that won't be happening since I've been trying to do so for over a damn month! Aaanyway, now I'm feeling really horrible about waiting (I mean, what if he doesnt remember me?) aaanyway, now that school is over, I want to send him an e-mail (before it's too late :( ), but.. I have no clue what to say. Please, tell me, what would a guy like to hear in an e-mail? What do I write? How do I tell him? I reeeally need your help. I'm desperate!
VictorM's advice:
A few days ago I made a post in the Singles Center blog called "Say Anything". This is actually one of those cases where saying anyting works because nothing you say will fail as much as saying nothing.
He may have no interest in you, but any guy will feel great if any girl says something nice about him. Don't say you have a crush on him, but almost any compliment about him would do. Something as simple as:
"I met you a few months ago and you seemed like the *fill in something here like "cool", "sharp", "funniest", etc* kinda guy (make the compliment a sincere one). I've been hoping to run into you again, but you vanished. How about meeting for ice cream?
If you make it short, make it sincere, and make him feel good about himself, he won't resist you.
Let us know how it turned out. We're suckers for soap opera stuff like this. :)
I have this crush on a guy who I have only talked to once a few months ago and I really like him. I added him om msn, however, he never came on. I was hoping that I could talk to him a bit (at least on msn since I never see him at school) before telling him that I like him, but I guess that won't be happening since I've been trying to do so for over a damn month! Aaanyway, now I'm feeling really horrible about waiting (I mean, what if he doesnt remember me?) aaanyway, now that school is over, I want to send him an e-mail (before it's too late :( ), but.. I have no clue what to say. Please, tell me, what would a guy like to hear in an e-mail? What do I write? How do I tell him? I reeeally need your help. I'm desperate!
VictorM's advice:
A few days ago I made a post in the Singles Center blog called "Say Anything". This is actually one of those cases where saying anyting works because nothing you say will fail as much as saying nothing.
He may have no interest in you, but any guy will feel great if any girl says something nice about him. Don't say you have a crush on him, but almost any compliment about him would do. Something as simple as:
"I met you a few months ago and you seemed like the *fill in something here like "cool", "sharp", "funniest", etc* kinda guy (make the compliment a sincere one). I've been hoping to run into you again, but you vanished. How about meeting for ice cream?
If you make it short, make it sincere, and make him feel good about himself, he won't resist you.
Let us know how it turned out. We're suckers for soap opera stuff like this. :)
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Mind games, part 2
leigh, 28, from va asks:
Why do men play mind games? Why do they make you feel something that isn't true? To me that is like that they want to hurt peoples feelings, which is mean. This is actually part of my other post but I could not get to add to it. sorry. So if I spooked him then why can't he just be honest instead of playing mind games. Thanks for the info.
VictorM's answer:
Honesty can be quite mean. Most of us balance the truth in ways to prevent hurting people's feelings. Walking up to a girl and telling her things like "You bore me", or "your love making sucks", or "you're irritating to me" could very well be the truth, but most guys -- and most girls -- would not want to do that. So instead, we camouflage our feelings with things like "You're too good for me", "We're good together but this isn't the right time", "You're the type to get serious about and I'm not ready to get serious right now", etc.
These are not mind-games; they're just white lies intended to minimize hurt.
Why do men play mind games? Why do they make you feel something that isn't true? To me that is like that they want to hurt peoples feelings, which is mean. This is actually part of my other post but I could not get to add to it. sorry. So if I spooked him then why can't he just be honest instead of playing mind games. Thanks for the info.
VictorM's answer:
Honesty can be quite mean. Most of us balance the truth in ways to prevent hurting people's feelings. Walking up to a girl and telling her things like "You bore me", or "your love making sucks", or "you're irritating to me" could very well be the truth, but most guys -- and most girls -- would not want to do that. So instead, we camouflage our feelings with things like "You're too good for me", "We're good together but this isn't the right time", "You're the type to get serious about and I'm not ready to get serious right now", etc.
These are not mind-games; they're just white lies intended to minimize hurt.
Why does he keep coming back?
jay, 30, from baltimore asks:
I have a guy friend and got involved with him in a 'friends with benefits' kind of thing that lasted for 9 months. However, few months ago, I told him that we need to stop this because I would like to be in a relationship with a potential husband who is living miles away from me. He agreed and respected my request, however, few weeks after that serious conversation of stopping our affair, he keeps calling or texting me again. He wanted to see me again but I tried to avoid him by giving him alibis. But, he has been insistent now and sometimes would call me but he would already be in my apartment door. I got no choice but to let him in. He is very smart, good-looking, fun, single but with 2 kids. I am single too. We have fun whenever we are together, we are on the same field of interest (nursing), no-dull-moments, but I couldn't see myself being with him in a serious relationship. My question is, why does he keep on coming back? I'm just curious, I don't have the courage to ask him. Why can't he keep his promise to leave me alone? I never call him. He is the one who initiates calls/texts. What is going on?
VictorM's answer:
Why does he keep coming back? Let me count the ways...
-- "We have fun whenever we are together, we are on the same field of interest (nursing), no-dull-moments." Why would he want to pass that up?
-- "I got no choice but to let him in." Of course you had a choice. But he knows you'd let him in.
-- "I am single too". Despite everything else you told him, you're still available, and willing.
-- "I tried to avoid him by giving him alibis". He knows you can't bring yourself to simply say NO. You have to be making up excuses. That makes you sound weak.
-- Lastly, this leads to the point I make most often on this blog: you are now a challenge! Guys love challenges and the moment you told him you didn't want to be doing this, you became a game worth playing. And he's winning.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have a guy friend and got involved with him in a 'friends with benefits' kind of thing that lasted for 9 months. However, few months ago, I told him that we need to stop this because I would like to be in a relationship with a potential husband who is living miles away from me. He agreed and respected my request, however, few weeks after that serious conversation of stopping our affair, he keeps calling or texting me again. He wanted to see me again but I tried to avoid him by giving him alibis. But, he has been insistent now and sometimes would call me but he would already be in my apartment door. I got no choice but to let him in. He is very smart, good-looking, fun, single but with 2 kids. I am single too. We have fun whenever we are together, we are on the same field of interest (nursing), no-dull-moments, but I couldn't see myself being with him in a serious relationship. My question is, why does he keep on coming back? I'm just curious, I don't have the courage to ask him. Why can't he keep his promise to leave me alone? I never call him. He is the one who initiates calls/texts. What is going on?
VictorM's answer:
Why does he keep coming back? Let me count the ways...
-- "We have fun whenever we are together, we are on the same field of interest (nursing), no-dull-moments." Why would he want to pass that up?
-- "I got no choice but to let him in." Of course you had a choice. But he knows you'd let him in.
-- "I am single too". Despite everything else you told him, you're still available, and willing.
-- "I tried to avoid him by giving him alibis". He knows you can't bring yourself to simply say NO. You have to be making up excuses. That makes you sound weak.
-- Lastly, this leads to the point I make most often on this blog: you are now a challenge! Guys love challenges and the moment you told him you didn't want to be doing this, you became a game worth playing. And he's winning.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, April 24, 2006
Why does he lie?
Amber, 21, from Riverside asks:
Why does my baby's daddy feel he has to lie to me? If he told me the truth I wouldn't get mad.
VictorM's advice:
Don't lie. Of course you'd be mad if he told the truth.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why does my baby's daddy feel he has to lie to me? If he told me the truth I wouldn't get mad.
VictorM's advice:
Don't lie. Of course you'd be mad if he told the truth.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
In love with my best friend
acer, 25, from northants asks:
I think I'm in love with my best friend. I have known her now for about 8 years and I love being around her. I miss her when she is not there and I would do anything for her. Sometimes I get upset about it and I get jealous of her getting attention from blokes. I think she is great and I want to tell her. I think she sort of knows in a way but I'm scared to ask her out. Please help, thanx.
VictorM's advice:
We're not talking about teenagers here. You're 25. You "think" you're in love with her? You're "scared to ask her out"? If you're going to be so cautious in your life, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about it. Get a nanny and hide in a cave somewhere.
Love is risk. Love requires bold action. If it's not work or pain, it's not love. So, either go for it and ask her no matter how hard it is, or stop saying you're in love.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I think I'm in love with my best friend. I have known her now for about 8 years and I love being around her. I miss her when she is not there and I would do anything for her. Sometimes I get upset about it and I get jealous of her getting attention from blokes. I think she is great and I want to tell her. I think she sort of knows in a way but I'm scared to ask her out. Please help, thanx.
VictorM's advice:
We're not talking about teenagers here. You're 25. You "think" you're in love with her? You're "scared to ask her out"? If you're going to be so cautious in your life, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about it. Get a nanny and hide in a cave somewhere.
Love is risk. Love requires bold action. If it's not work or pain, it's not love. So, either go for it and ask her no matter how hard it is, or stop saying you're in love.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Giving me the silent treatment
nicole, 18, from enfield ct asks:
Me and this guy went out to the movies. Everything was great. Then he said we should go again after I had a discussion saying either we are going out or not. He said it wasn't really a date. Then he avoided the next date and since then he's been fighting with me, avoiding, ignoring me, giving me the silent treatment. He won't tell me anything. It makes me crazy to keep wondering what happened.
VictorM's advice:
Nothing happened! That's the problem. "Nothing" as in, he felt nothing being with you. Let it go.
He's into not you. How much more clearly does he have to make it?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and this guy went out to the movies. Everything was great. Then he said we should go again after I had a discussion saying either we are going out or not. He said it wasn't really a date. Then he avoided the next date and since then he's been fighting with me, avoiding, ignoring me, giving me the silent treatment. He won't tell me anything. It makes me crazy to keep wondering what happened.
VictorM's advice:
Nothing happened! That's the problem. "Nothing" as in, he felt nothing being with you. Let it go.
He's into not you. How much more clearly does he have to make it?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, April 22, 2006
He wouldn't shake my hand
Samantha, 16, from England asks:
There is this guy who I know but whenever we are around people he does talk to me so I'm not left out, touches me etc, but for example, when we went to play sports, he wouldn't shake my hand after the game finished, but he'd shake other people's hand. Why couldn't he shake my hand? It got me really angry but he said he was only joking. I didn't believe that, but before I left I gave him a hug to show no hard feelings as I don't like to hold grudges with people. Can you tell me why he acts like this. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, I can tell you why. Because he likes you and he's a 16 year old dork. :)
He wants your attention. And admit it, he's gotten it. Why is he getting your attention this way? Well, fear of rejection is one reason. By not appearing to like you, he's not ridiculed or hurt if you turn him down. Being difficult with you gives him the easy out to say that he never liked you anyway. That's a 16 year old boy for you. Well... OK, that's an insecure and childish male for you.
So, the short answer then is: he likes you but is too insecure to admit it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
There is this guy who I know but whenever we are around people he does talk to me so I'm not left out, touches me etc, but for example, when we went to play sports, he wouldn't shake my hand after the game finished, but he'd shake other people's hand. Why couldn't he shake my hand? It got me really angry but he said he was only joking. I didn't believe that, but before I left I gave him a hug to show no hard feelings as I don't like to hold grudges with people. Can you tell me why he acts like this. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
Yes, I can tell you why. Because he likes you and he's a 16 year old dork. :)
He wants your attention. And admit it, he's gotten it. Why is he getting your attention this way? Well, fear of rejection is one reason. By not appearing to like you, he's not ridiculed or hurt if you turn him down. Being difficult with you gives him the easy out to say that he never liked you anyway. That's a 16 year old boy for you. Well... OK, that's an insecure and childish male for you.
So, the short answer then is: he likes you but is too insecure to admit it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Suffocating fiance
Brenda, 29, from Vermont asks:
My fiancé is a caring, smart, cute, all around great guy. I'm very lucky to have him. The thing is, I am having some trouble thinking in terms of "us" rather than me and him. I still figure out what I want to do, and if he wants to come, great. I think I've made him feel insecure about the relationship because when we're home together he follows me around or asks me why I'm running away when I leave the room to go to the bathroom, or into my study to work. How can I reassure him (even though he's right-- all this suffocating me is making me question the relationship)?
VictorM's advice:
Don't give up and don't give in! You have it right. Relationships between two people who are happy doing their own thing are better.
Don't worry too much about his insecurity. It's not altogether a bad thing because guys are too quick to get lazy in relationships they feel too secure in. But I understand your concern with the suffocating behavior. I suggest you make a point to kiss him, touch him, hug him, say you love him... anything like that before you step away. Don't make it too mushy or too long but do make a quick gesture that let's him know you haven't forgotten him.
Somehow, sometime, he needs to find out about the importance of having interests that don't always include you. Find him a book or some article that says that -- there are plenty. Encourage him to play golf, or bowling, or whatever, with his buddies.
If he could reach the same level of maturity that you've reached, and if you two can synchronize your "alone time" so that your time together is "quality time", you could have it made.
If he's the nice guy that you say he is, don't give up -- he's worth working on and with.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My fiancé is a caring, smart, cute, all around great guy. I'm very lucky to have him. The thing is, I am having some trouble thinking in terms of "us" rather than me and him. I still figure out what I want to do, and if he wants to come, great. I think I've made him feel insecure about the relationship because when we're home together he follows me around or asks me why I'm running away when I leave the room to go to the bathroom, or into my study to work. How can I reassure him (even though he's right-- all this suffocating me is making me question the relationship)?
VictorM's advice:
Don't give up and don't give in! You have it right. Relationships between two people who are happy doing their own thing are better.
Don't worry too much about his insecurity. It's not altogether a bad thing because guys are too quick to get lazy in relationships they feel too secure in. But I understand your concern with the suffocating behavior. I suggest you make a point to kiss him, touch him, hug him, say you love him... anything like that before you step away. Don't make it too mushy or too long but do make a quick gesture that let's him know you haven't forgotten him.
Somehow, sometime, he needs to find out about the importance of having interests that don't always include you. Find him a book or some article that says that -- there are plenty. Encourage him to play golf, or bowling, or whatever, with his buddies.
If he could reach the same level of maturity that you've reached, and if you two can synchronize your "alone time" so that your time together is "quality time", you could have it made.
If he's the nice guy that you say he is, don't give up -- he's worth working on and with.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, April 21, 2006
We never can agree on anything
Danielle, 21, from New Jersey asks:
Me and my fiance have been dating for almost 2 years and we have a 9 month old baby and we have been engaged for a month and having crazy communication problems. We never can agree on anything.
VictorM's advice:
Cool. Then you're ready for marriage.
Sorry, that's cruel but I couldn't resist. :-p
OK, well, based on your age and situation (small baby and marriage looming) things can get pretty hectic and freaky. Maybe pressure is getting to him, or you, or both of you.
Guys, more than girls, sweat these big responsibilities because it's in our genes to be the providers. So his behavior could be just pressure. Chances are that you can cope with all of this better than him because, well, most guys are children until they turn 79.
Be the adult one and ease off. Give him room to breath. Give him a nice back rub once in a while. Remind him that you love him (maybe the baby is getting all the attention from you that he used to get?) Think about that.
And get a second pacifier in case he needs one.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and my fiance have been dating for almost 2 years and we have a 9 month old baby and we have been engaged for a month and having crazy communication problems. We never can agree on anything.
VictorM's advice:
Cool. Then you're ready for marriage.
Sorry, that's cruel but I couldn't resist. :-p
OK, well, based on your age and situation (small baby and marriage looming) things can get pretty hectic and freaky. Maybe pressure is getting to him, or you, or both of you.
Guys, more than girls, sweat these big responsibilities because it's in our genes to be the providers. So his behavior could be just pressure. Chances are that you can cope with all of this better than him because, well, most guys are children until they turn 79.
Be the adult one and ease off. Give him room to breath. Give him a nice back rub once in a while. Remind him that you love him (maybe the baby is getting all the attention from you that he used to get?) Think about that.
And get a second pacifier in case he needs one.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He showed me his new tattoo
Lindsey, 21, from Arizona asks:
My boyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago, he said we were good together just not the right time. I found out that he is working a lot and when he's around me like yesterday, he still gets shy. It was him and my two cousins and I hanging out for Easter but he barely spoke, though he looked over to me, he said hello and showed me his new tattoo. Online we were talking also even after we broke up, but now it seems he's avoiding me online. But when we broke up he didn't seem to want to in a way, I brought it up that he would say he will call me and then he wouldn't, he told me because he "forgot", so I asked him twice about it and he said we both lost interest, but I told him I didn't. We are both shy people, but he asked me if we can still be friends, I said yes, but I don't know if i should wait for him to talk to me first or should I continue talking to him first? Even my cousin said its good for us to be friends first because we both are really shy around each other, but should I just leave him alone completely? In a way I want to ask him if we can try again being together, but first I want to talk with him as friends but I'm afraid I'll chase him away if I keep talking to him first on the aim. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
The fat lady sung already -- it's all over between you two. The signs are everywhere, you're just refusing to see them: "good together just not the right time" that's code word for life is boring between us. "showed me his new tattoo" a huge sign that he's out doing things on his own (perhaps to impress someone else). "when we broke up he didn't seem to want to"... "seem" being the operative word here -- you're wrong, he wanted to. He didn't "forget" to call you, he doesn't want to call you.
Don't be friends! I don't mean you should be enemies, but don't look to him for friendship. It's just going to break your heart because he already has a new girl, or soon will have one, and I don't think it'll be fun for you to be around then. Fooling yourself into believing you can bring him back to you is a waste of time. I'm not saying it's not possible that he'll come back to you; yes, it's remotely possible, but it will only happen so if you show determination in forging ahead with your own life, finding happiness elsewhere.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago, he said we were good together just not the right time. I found out that he is working a lot and when he's around me like yesterday, he still gets shy. It was him and my two cousins and I hanging out for Easter but he barely spoke, though he looked over to me, he said hello and showed me his new tattoo. Online we were talking also even after we broke up, but now it seems he's avoiding me online. But when we broke up he didn't seem to want to in a way, I brought it up that he would say he will call me and then he wouldn't, he told me because he "forgot", so I asked him twice about it and he said we both lost interest, but I told him I didn't. We are both shy people, but he asked me if we can still be friends, I said yes, but I don't know if i should wait for him to talk to me first or should I continue talking to him first? Even my cousin said its good for us to be friends first because we both are really shy around each other, but should I just leave him alone completely? In a way I want to ask him if we can try again being together, but first I want to talk with him as friends but I'm afraid I'll chase him away if I keep talking to him first on the aim. Please help.
VictorM's advice:
The fat lady sung already -- it's all over between you two. The signs are everywhere, you're just refusing to see them: "good together just not the right time" that's code word for life is boring between us. "showed me his new tattoo" a huge sign that he's out doing things on his own (perhaps to impress someone else). "when we broke up he didn't seem to want to"... "seem" being the operative word here -- you're wrong, he wanted to. He didn't "forget" to call you, he doesn't want to call you.
Don't be friends! I don't mean you should be enemies, but don't look to him for friendship. It's just going to break your heart because he already has a new girl, or soon will have one, and I don't think it'll be fun for you to be around then. Fooling yourself into believing you can bring him back to you is a waste of time. I'm not saying it's not possible that he'll come back to you; yes, it's remotely possible, but it will only happen so if you show determination in forging ahead with your own life, finding happiness elsewhere.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Never had a boyfriend
dest, 15, asks:
I've never had a boyfriend and I'm 15... but it's really strange because guys tell me all the time that I'm pretty and have a great personality and that I would be like the perfect girlfriend. The only thing is that I liked my one friend last year and found out that he liked me back after school was over. He told my brother that he liked me and my brother said that he should tell me but he was afraid that I wouldn't like him back...but he's the type of guy who can ask out a girl without feeling nervous at all... he said that I was just so different... is there something wrong with me??
VictorM's advice:
Not having a boyfriend at 15 is nothing. It happens all the time. You just don't know how lucky you are. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with you. Based on what you told me, the opposite may be true -- everything is right with you. Let me explain.
Guys generally take chances with girls they sorta like or feel so-so about, but they worry a lot more about a girl who is perfect, so they shy away from her and take chances with girls they won't mind so much if they hurt their feelings. This applies to the guy that liked you. He has no problems asking other girls out because he was probably only interested in their looks, or scoring points with the guys, or some other silly stuff like that. You, however, are probably the kind of girl guys dream about as the perfect girlfriend, but that's a bit scary thought if you're a 15 year old boy.
Don't change a thing about yourself -- you're probably a great catch. All that you're missing out for now are the hassles of dating jerks (because boys at this age are seldom serious). If you're all that these boys say you are, you're going to have to dish out plenty of rejection in the years ahead because as boys get older and more courageous, they will flock to you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've never had a boyfriend and I'm 15... but it's really strange because guys tell me all the time that I'm pretty and have a great personality and that I would be like the perfect girlfriend. The only thing is that I liked my one friend last year and found out that he liked me back after school was over. He told my brother that he liked me and my brother said that he should tell me but he was afraid that I wouldn't like him back...but he's the type of guy who can ask out a girl without feeling nervous at all... he said that I was just so different... is there something wrong with me??
VictorM's advice:
Not having a boyfriend at 15 is nothing. It happens all the time. You just don't know how lucky you are. Believe me, there's nothing wrong with you. Based on what you told me, the opposite may be true -- everything is right with you. Let me explain.
Guys generally take chances with girls they sorta like or feel so-so about, but they worry a lot more about a girl who is perfect, so they shy away from her and take chances with girls they won't mind so much if they hurt their feelings. This applies to the guy that liked you. He has no problems asking other girls out because he was probably only interested in their looks, or scoring points with the guys, or some other silly stuff like that. You, however, are probably the kind of girl guys dream about as the perfect girlfriend, but that's a bit scary thought if you're a 15 year old boy.
Don't change a thing about yourself -- you're probably a great catch. All that you're missing out for now are the hassles of dating jerks (because boys at this age are seldom serious). If you're all that these boys say you are, you're going to have to dish out plenty of rejection in the years ahead because as boys get older and more courageous, they will flock to you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Acting really strangely
Destiny, 15, asks:
My guy friend has been acting really strangely lately. He has been so quiet around me but still says hi to me in the halls and sometimes will touch my arm or hand. I really like him and he was the only one that I told about my grandfather dying...and he gave me his phone number to call him but I never got up the courage to call him. We used to talk all the time on MSN but now we barely ever talk...and the other day I sat beside him in one of my classes and he barely said two words to me. And then for the rest of the day he didn't say hi to me or anything in the halls, but would give eye contact and then look away. He always looks into my eyes when I'm talking to him as well. What do you think?
VictorM's answer:
My guess is that once he gave you his phone number and you didn't call he figured you weren't interested in him. So, in part he may be acting this way because you never called. Also, he could be giving you the cold shoulder to get your attention. And it has worked -- you've noticed. So the question is, what next?
You can say you lost his number, ask for it again, and this time call him. This might jump start your friendship again.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My guy friend has been acting really strangely lately. He has been so quiet around me but still says hi to me in the halls and sometimes will touch my arm or hand. I really like him and he was the only one that I told about my grandfather dying...and he gave me his phone number to call him but I never got up the courage to call him. We used to talk all the time on MSN but now we barely ever talk...and the other day I sat beside him in one of my classes and he barely said two words to me. And then for the rest of the day he didn't say hi to me or anything in the halls, but would give eye contact and then look away. He always looks into my eyes when I'm talking to him as well. What do you think?
VictorM's answer:
My guess is that once he gave you his phone number and you didn't call he figured you weren't interested in him. So, in part he may be acting this way because you never called. Also, he could be giving you the cold shoulder to get your attention. And it has worked -- you've noticed. So the question is, what next?
You can say you lost his number, ask for it again, and this time call him. This might jump start your friendship again.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Flirty friends
leigh, 28, from va. asks:
I have this friend for about 4 years. Recently he has seemed to flirt with me. Then when I asked him right out he tells me he doesn't want anything serious. I would only be someone he could be serious with. So it hurt my feelings and I didn't talk to him for over a week and I called today and he won't answer. What is wrong with him or is it something wrong with me? For your advice only, we have only flirted nothing else. Please help me. I really have no idea why he acts one way and then tells me something else. Thanks a lot.
VictorM's advice:
He was working his way along the conquest ladder, flirting with you, going at a leisurely pace. But then you popped the question and that cooled him off. In essence, you spoiled the moment. He wasn't ready to be in a relationship, just ready to flirt and have some mindless fun. Now, he's running a bit scared that you want something that he's not ready for.
My advice is to back off and let him be the chaser. Don't call him at home. When you talk to him, don't even remind him of the question you asked. Just pretend nothing happened and be a friend, enjoy his company, have fun.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
I have this friend for about 4 years. Recently he has seemed to flirt with me. Then when I asked him right out he tells me he doesn't want anything serious. I would only be someone he could be serious with. So it hurt my feelings and I didn't talk to him for over a week and I called today and he won't answer. What is wrong with him or is it something wrong with me? For your advice only, we have only flirted nothing else. Please help me. I really have no idea why he acts one way and then tells me something else. Thanks a lot.
VictorM's advice:
He was working his way along the conquest ladder, flirting with you, going at a leisurely pace. But then you popped the question and that cooled him off. In essence, you spoiled the moment. He wasn't ready to be in a relationship, just ready to flirt and have some mindless fun. Now, he's running a bit scared that you want something that he's not ready for.
My advice is to back off and let him be the chaser. Don't call him at home. When you talk to him, don't even remind him of the question you asked. Just pretend nothing happened and be a friend, enjoy his company, have fun.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Being more boyfriendish
shannon, 14, from oklahoma asks:
I've been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months and I just got him to actually start being more boyfriendish with me... but there is one problem: he says his parents won't let him call me or go anywhere with me at all. He says they like me but I don't think they do and he also is having a hard time being more then just friends. How can I get through to him that he needs to act more like a boyfriend?
VictorM's advice:
Just as a guy should not pressure a girl to do things she's not ready for, so should a girl not pressure a guy. If he's around your age, he's still sorting out a lot of things with his development. Give him time. Enjoy the company for now.
His parents may or may not like you, who knows? But still, they are his parents and he has to listen to then.
Just be patient. He'll come storming out of that gate when he's ready.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been going out with my boyfriend for 6 months and I just got him to actually start being more boyfriendish with me... but there is one problem: he says his parents won't let him call me or go anywhere with me at all. He says they like me but I don't think they do and he also is having a hard time being more then just friends. How can I get through to him that he needs to act more like a boyfriend?
VictorM's advice:
Just as a guy should not pressure a girl to do things she's not ready for, so should a girl not pressure a guy. If he's around your age, he's still sorting out a lot of things with his development. Give him time. Enjoy the company for now.
His parents may or may not like you, who knows? But still, they are his parents and he has to listen to then.
Just be patient. He'll come storming out of that gate when he's ready.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Salon owner compliments
sarah, 41, from ca asks:
I went to have my hair done, and the owner of the Salon who did my hair asked me many questions and complimented me. I went for the second time and he asked more questions, do you have a boyfriend? What are you looking for? How old are you? And so many more questions, I felt overwhelmed with his questions, so I asked him what are you looking for? He talked for over ten minutes about what is he looking for also, asked me many times to call him to workout together after he found out that we go to the same gym. When my hair was done he gave me a hug and said I enjoyed your company, and refused to charge me any money. I called the next day to thank him and I thought when he asked me to call him many times, he might want a permission to call me, so I said to him you have my phone # and you can call me. He was excited and said I will call you. But it has been a week now and he did not call!!! What does it mean when a man ask a woman few times to call him? And why he did not call me?
VictorM's answer:
Maybe he got ran over by a bus? Shot by a jealous husband? He didn't pay his phone bill? Lost your number? Or maybe you were one of a few he was saying those things to and settled on one of them? He could have gone on vacation or something of a personal nature came up. Or, he's one of those guys that feels waiting a certain number of days before calling back is best. I really don't know.
I can understand meeting a woman at a bar or supermarket, get her number just to see if he can, and then have second thoughts about her and never call. But to go to the extent this guy went to and then not call? I can't explain it. If there isn't a valid reason, the last one remaining is that this guy is weird and you should avoid him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I went to have my hair done, and the owner of the Salon who did my hair asked me many questions and complimented me. I went for the second time and he asked more questions, do you have a boyfriend? What are you looking for? How old are you? And so many more questions, I felt overwhelmed with his questions, so I asked him what are you looking for? He talked for over ten minutes about what is he looking for also, asked me many times to call him to workout together after he found out that we go to the same gym. When my hair was done he gave me a hug and said I enjoyed your company, and refused to charge me any money. I called the next day to thank him and I thought when he asked me to call him many times, he might want a permission to call me, so I said to him you have my phone # and you can call me. He was excited and said I will call you. But it has been a week now and he did not call!!! What does it mean when a man ask a woman few times to call him? And why he did not call me?
VictorM's answer:
Maybe he got ran over by a bus? Shot by a jealous husband? He didn't pay his phone bill? Lost your number? Or maybe you were one of a few he was saying those things to and settled on one of them? He could have gone on vacation or something of a personal nature came up. Or, he's one of those guys that feels waiting a certain number of days before calling back is best. I really don't know.
I can understand meeting a woman at a bar or supermarket, get her number just to see if he can, and then have second thoughts about her and never call. But to go to the extent this guy went to and then not call? I can't explain it. If there isn't a valid reason, the last one remaining is that this guy is weird and you should avoid him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
ihave bin sleepin with aguy
kim, 19, from london asks:
ihave bin sleepin with aguy for over a year nw and he stil hasnt asked me out iv told him i like him but he still dnt tell me how he feels well he said he likes me but dnt knw wat 2 do but dat dnt mean nothin so far nothin has changed wat shall i do
VictorM's advice:
I don't know... maybe improve your communication skills?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
ihave bin sleepin with aguy for over a year nw and he stil hasnt asked me out iv told him i like him but he still dnt tell me how he feels well he said he likes me but dnt knw wat 2 do but dat dnt mean nothin so far nothin has changed wat shall i do
VictorM's advice:
I don't know... maybe improve your communication skills?
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
He tells about our problems
Angelic, 16, from North west asks:
My boyfriend talks to my niece (his ex) about our problems and things that he dooesn't like about me then she tells me what he said. She then tells my how bad I am and that he is going to leave me if I don't change. One of my friends told me that she likes him but I don't want problems between us. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Let your friend have him and find a boyfriend who's more mature. This boy sounds like he's still in diapers.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend talks to my niece (his ex) about our problems and things that he dooesn't like about me then she tells me what he said. She then tells my how bad I am and that he is going to leave me if I don't change. One of my friends told me that she likes him but I don't want problems between us. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Let your friend have him and find a boyfriend who's more mature. This boy sounds like he's still in diapers.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Is he interested or just flirting?
Lisette, 53, from GROSSE POINTE MI asks:
I have this man that is a carpenter working on my home. He is very complimentary and very flirty. He calls me during the day to tell me he will be at my house and usually comes when I get home from work. He tells me I am a very pretty women. Is he interested in me or just flirting? He offers to do things for me for free with the work I am paying him for.
VictorM's advice:
He could be just flirting but even that level of flirting shows some interest. The question you have to ask yourself is: is he serious or does he flirt with many of his other customers? I don't know the answer to that. But how is that different from any man that might show interest in you, whether it's at a bar, supermarket, gym, beach, anywhere really? Any man could be a charlatan or he could be serious. Proceed with caution, that's what I would say.
Give yourself some credit -- you must be an appealing woman or he wouldn't be doing this. I don't know what your interest in him is, but heck, I'd get a ton of carpentry work done before it all cools off. Show the right amount of cleavage or leg, and who knows, you may get new kitchen cabinets for free.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have this man that is a carpenter working on my home. He is very complimentary and very flirty. He calls me during the day to tell me he will be at my house and usually comes when I get home from work. He tells me I am a very pretty women. Is he interested in me or just flirting? He offers to do things for me for free with the work I am paying him for.
VictorM's advice:
He could be just flirting but even that level of flirting shows some interest. The question you have to ask yourself is: is he serious or does he flirt with many of his other customers? I don't know the answer to that. But how is that different from any man that might show interest in you, whether it's at a bar, supermarket, gym, beach, anywhere really? Any man could be a charlatan or he could be serious. Proceed with caution, that's what I would say.
Give yourself some credit -- you must be an appealing woman or he wouldn't be doing this. I don't know what your interest in him is, but heck, I'd get a ton of carpentry work done before it all cools off. Show the right amount of cleavage or leg, and who knows, you may get new kitchen cabinets for free.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, April 17, 2006
Coworker has been a jerk
Lisa, 25, from Florida asks:
I work with this guy who lately has been a jerk to me. We have been intimately involved. How do I make him feel like a jerk... without me being one?
VictorM's advice:
If you go out of your way to make him feel like a jerk, you'll be a jerk too.
Being intimate with a coworker has it's rewards and its drawbacks. You're just finding out about both sides of the equation.
Keep your integrity and take the high road. He'll get over it or make a fool of himself.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I work with this guy who lately has been a jerk to me. We have been intimately involved. How do I make him feel like a jerk... without me being one?
VictorM's advice:
If you go out of your way to make him feel like a jerk, you'll be a jerk too.
Being intimate with a coworker has it's rewards and its drawbacks. You're just finding out about both sides of the equation.
Keep your integrity and take the high road. He'll get over it or make a fool of himself.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He doesn't want to see me every weekend
Jessica, 16, from Glasgow, Kentucky asks:
How do I deal with my boyfriend when he doesn't want to see each other every weekend because my parents put a stop to me seeing him during the week days? Please help me and tell me what I need to do!
VictorM's advice:
He must either not be that much into you, or he has something really interesting to do on some weekends. If, however, he's doing it as pay back for you not seeing him during the week, he's a jerk.
In any case, I think if he really liked you he'd move mountains to be with you as often as he can. Find someone who treasures any minute they can spend with you.
Maybe -- hard as it may be to believe -- your parents know more than you about this character.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
How do I deal with my boyfriend when he doesn't want to see each other every weekend because my parents put a stop to me seeing him during the week days? Please help me and tell me what I need to do!
VictorM's advice:
He must either not be that much into you, or he has something really interesting to do on some weekends. If, however, he's doing it as pay back for you not seeing him during the week, he's a jerk.
In any case, I think if he really liked you he'd move mountains to be with you as often as he can. Find someone who treasures any minute they can spend with you.
Maybe -- hard as it may be to believe -- your parents know more than you about this character.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He kinda hides for a couple days
Claudia, 25, from Los Angeles, CA asks:
I have been dating this guy for exactly 2 months. I really like him. He's a sweetheart, treats me well, but... one week he tells me he really likes me, text messages me nice things & stuff. Then the following week he doesn't call much, doesn't answer the phone, like he kinda hides for a couple days etc. Its like a roller-coaster. What do you think is going on?
VictorM's answer:
What he's doing sounds very healthy to me. He spends time with you and needs some time for himself. I don't know what he does with that time. Of course if he's seeing someone else that's not good, but if he's taking the time to follow sports, play golf, sleep late, be with his friends, catch on work, etc. his behavior is perfectly fine.
People in good relationships recognize they need "alone time" for themselves or friends. It makes your time together more enjoyable. Find something fun to do without him -- you'll both be better off.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been dating this guy for exactly 2 months. I really like him. He's a sweetheart, treats me well, but... one week he tells me he really likes me, text messages me nice things & stuff. Then the following week he doesn't call much, doesn't answer the phone, like he kinda hides for a couple days etc. Its like a roller-coaster. What do you think is going on?
VictorM's answer:
What he's doing sounds very healthy to me. He spends time with you and needs some time for himself. I don't know what he does with that time. Of course if he's seeing someone else that's not good, but if he's taking the time to follow sports, play golf, sleep late, be with his friends, catch on work, etc. his behavior is perfectly fine.
People in good relationships recognize they need "alone time" for themselves or friends. It makes your time together more enjoyable. Find something fun to do without him -- you'll both be better off.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Does he like my friend?
Jessica, 16, from Kentucky asks:
My boyfriend has been talking to my best friend on the phone and she comes to school and tells me that he says he has a crush on her and would she go out with him if we ever break up. In a way I don't believe he said that but then in a another way I do believe he said that. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You should believe her -- he has a crush on her. He wouldn't be calling her if he didn't.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend has been talking to my best friend on the phone and she comes to school and tells me that he says he has a crush on her and would she go out with him if we ever break up. In a way I don't believe he said that but then in a another way I do believe he said that. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
You should believe her -- he has a crush on her. He wouldn't be calling her if he didn't.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Not ready for anything serious
JENNIFER, 26, from MASSACHUSETTS asks:
The guy I have been dating went through a divorce 10 years ago. He says he's not ready to even think about anything serious right now. He has started to use we statements. And seems to be wanting to spend time together, we spend at least and hour or 2 together every day... We are intimate but don't do over nights given the living situations at the moment. Is he saying one thing and maybe feeling another? Is he trying to play it safe?
VictorM's answer:
Divorced for 10 years is sufficient time to heal whatever wounds he had. If after 10 years he's still not over things, that's a red flag for you.
You don't say how long you two have been dating. If you've been seeing him for only a few weeks, take his statements as a sign that he's just playing it safe. If you've been seeing him for years or even months, it means you're probably not "the one" for him and he's keeping you as company only -- don't waste your time and move on.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
The guy I have been dating went through a divorce 10 years ago. He says he's not ready to even think about anything serious right now. He has started to use we statements. And seems to be wanting to spend time together, we spend at least and hour or 2 together every day... We are intimate but don't do over nights given the living situations at the moment. Is he saying one thing and maybe feeling another? Is he trying to play it safe?
VictorM's answer:
Divorced for 10 years is sufficient time to heal whatever wounds he had. If after 10 years he's still not over things, that's a red flag for you.
You don't say how long you two have been dating. If you've been seeing him for only a few weeks, take his statements as a sign that he's just playing it safe. If you've been seeing him for years or even months, it means you're probably not "the one" for him and he's keeping you as company only -- don't waste your time and move on.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He proposed, now won't talk about it
Ashton, 19, from SD asks:
I've been dating this guy for 3 years and about a year ago he proposed to me. Every time I bring it up (which isn't that often) he doesn't really seem interested in anything I have to say. Our relationship is fine, he just avoids the marriage subject. It might be the fact that we have a tight financial situation right now, but I'm not completely sure.
VictorM's answer:
I would think the financial situation, if tight, is a good reason. Another reason could be that his initial passion has given way to common sense. If he's around your age, what's the rush? So his big mouth uttered the words before, but he realized it was too early to talk about that and now won't make the same mistake until he's sure it's the right time.
Stop bringing it up. Your definition of "often" I'm sure is different than his. He brought it up once, he'll bring it up again when he's ready.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I've been dating this guy for 3 years and about a year ago he proposed to me. Every time I bring it up (which isn't that often) he doesn't really seem interested in anything I have to say. Our relationship is fine, he just avoids the marriage subject. It might be the fact that we have a tight financial situation right now, but I'm not completely sure.
VictorM's answer:
I would think the financial situation, if tight, is a good reason. Another reason could be that his initial passion has given way to common sense. If he's around your age, what's the rush? So his big mouth uttered the words before, but he realized it was too early to talk about that and now won't make the same mistake until he's sure it's the right time.
Stop bringing it up. Your definition of "often" I'm sure is different than his. He brought it up once, he'll bring it up again when he's ready.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Developed feelings for a coworker
Linda, 25, from Sydney, Australia asks:
I work with someone I have known for about 3 years. Two weeks ago for no apparent reason I started to develop feelings for him. Three times this week I dropped him home from work. The first time was straight home, the second time we talked for about an hour before leaving work, the last time we talked for 3 and 1/2 hours (until 3am). Last night he refused a ride with me to get a lift with a mate (his usual lift). I think we have really clicked - should I ask him out, wait for a few days and see what develops? We're very busy at work at the moment and so I will be seeing him every day for the next week anyway - but I don't want the moment to pass...
VictorM's advice:
Don't rush! Don't ask him out yet. I understand about not wanting to let a moment pass, but that applies to seeing someone at the mall or beach, someone you may never see again. In this case, a misstep at work could mean not just a failed attempt at romance, it could lead to very unpleasant working conditions.
Maybe his refusal to accept a ride from you means he's having second thoughts about a relationship with you. I'm not saying you should give up; I'm saying you should take your time and be more cautious.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, coworker, boyfriend, girlfriend
I work with someone I have known for about 3 years. Two weeks ago for no apparent reason I started to develop feelings for him. Three times this week I dropped him home from work. The first time was straight home, the second time we talked for about an hour before leaving work, the last time we talked for 3 and 1/2 hours (until 3am). Last night he refused a ride with me to get a lift with a mate (his usual lift). I think we have really clicked - should I ask him out, wait for a few days and see what develops? We're very busy at work at the moment and so I will be seeing him every day for the next week anyway - but I don't want the moment to pass...
VictorM's advice:
Don't rush! Don't ask him out yet. I understand about not wanting to let a moment pass, but that applies to seeing someone at the mall or beach, someone you may never see again. In this case, a misstep at work could mean not just a failed attempt at romance, it could lead to very unpleasant working conditions.
Maybe his refusal to accept a ride from you means he's having second thoughts about a relationship with you. I'm not saying you should give up; I'm saying you should take your time and be more cautious.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, coworker, boyfriend, girlfriend
Why does he sometimes ignore me?
Brooke, 15, from England asks:
What does it mean when a lad you really like is ignoring you when you're with your friends and being all over you when you're with his friends? I've been seeing this lad and when I see him around town he ignores me and when I talk to him on the phone and text him but when I meet up with him he acts like I'm the only person there and makes me feel special. And I've talked to one of his best friends and he said that I'm all he talks about and every thing that he says is really nice. I know that he has ADD but I can't see why this would affect how he feels about me and how he shows me that he likes me! Can you help! I'm really confused!
VictorM's answer:
He doesn't want to be all lovey-dovey in front of people he doesn't know well or trust.
There. Confusion gone.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What does it mean when a lad you really like is ignoring you when you're with your friends and being all over you when you're with his friends? I've been seeing this lad and when I see him around town he ignores me and when I talk to him on the phone and text him but when I meet up with him he acts like I'm the only person there and makes me feel special. And I've talked to one of his best friends and he said that I'm all he talks about and every thing that he says is really nice. I know that he has ADD but I can't see why this would affect how he feels about me and how he shows me that he likes me! Can you help! I'm really confused!
VictorM's answer:
He doesn't want to be all lovey-dovey in front of people he doesn't know well or trust.
There. Confusion gone.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My husband throws fits
Jessie, 23, from Nebraska asks:
My husband throws fits. I can initially see his point of view and I try to work it out. But sometimes he gets mad and doesn't really talk to me for days or he picks on little things that I do, like folding his undies or kissing him. I've tried ignoring, talking, doing... I'm about ready to explode!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
So typical of males to carry on a mood for days. Will he ever change? Probably not. Maybe with age, but I wouldn't hold my breath. I doubt there's much you can do to change him. His behavior is an internal reaction and unless he sees it as a problem, it suits him just fine. He gets to act exactly as he wants and it pisses you off, which is an extra bonus if he's angry with you. When he feels that way, you exploding would probably make his day.
Seems like you've tried the kind of things I would have suggested. Unless you're willing to live with it, you could try taking it to the next level, which is to make sure he gets punished for that behavior. Unless he starts associating his fits with an unpleasant consequence, he will not stop. Making sure you mean business requires few words and swift action. How far you go, is up to you, but consider making him sleep in the sofa, don't do his laundry, don't prepare meals, etc.
If his fits are something you really can't live with, be firm, be stern, treat him just like a 2 year old that just did something wrong because that's the age he's stuck in when he acts that way.
Just one last thing. Allowing for a reasonable sulking period is not a bad thing before you dish out "punishment". Some guys throw these fits and sulk in lieu of getting violent or aggressive. Please keep this in mind.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My husband throws fits. I can initially see his point of view and I try to work it out. But sometimes he gets mad and doesn't really talk to me for days or he picks on little things that I do, like folding his undies or kissing him. I've tried ignoring, talking, doing... I'm about ready to explode!!!!!!
VictorM's advice:
So typical of males to carry on a mood for days. Will he ever change? Probably not. Maybe with age, but I wouldn't hold my breath. I doubt there's much you can do to change him. His behavior is an internal reaction and unless he sees it as a problem, it suits him just fine. He gets to act exactly as he wants and it pisses you off, which is an extra bonus if he's angry with you. When he feels that way, you exploding would probably make his day.
Seems like you've tried the kind of things I would have suggested. Unless you're willing to live with it, you could try taking it to the next level, which is to make sure he gets punished for that behavior. Unless he starts associating his fits with an unpleasant consequence, he will not stop. Making sure you mean business requires few words and swift action. How far you go, is up to you, but consider making him sleep in the sofa, don't do his laundry, don't prepare meals, etc.
If his fits are something you really can't live with, be firm, be stern, treat him just like a 2 year old that just did something wrong because that's the age he's stuck in when he acts that way.
Just one last thing. Allowing for a reasonable sulking period is not a bad thing before you dish out "punishment". Some guys throw these fits and sulk in lieu of getting violent or aggressive. Please keep this in mind.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, April 14, 2006
Possessive Friend
kate asks:
I have a guy friend who I have feelings for, but am unsure if he has any for me. He behaves in some confusing ways. For example there is this guy who I think is hot, and whenever I mention him, my friend will always try and talk him down and get those around us to say negative things about him too. However my friend is always talking about girls he likes and thinks are hot, and currently he is always telling me about going to see this one girl he likes. I don't understand why he gets so angry and possessive (like he will put his arm around me or sit really closely etc.) whenever there is a guy round who I kind of like, or who might like me, but expects me to sit back and let him do what he wishes when it comes to girls. What should I do?
VictorM's answer:
His behaior is consistant with someone who likes you, and with someone who doesn't.
The coupling of him not liking you talking about other guys AND telling you about girls he likes is consistent with a guy who likes you. So, why is he talking about other girls? In guy logic, that makes sense. By talking about other girls he hopes to get you jealous and as a consequence measure your interest in him. So, what has been your reaction? That's the message is after. I think you're sending the wrong one.
His behavior is also consistent with someone who thinks of you as just a friend. I would not jump to the conclusion that because he's possessive and doesn't like you mentioning guys that he likes you. Some guys have a competitive nature and turn almost everything into a "me against him" kinda game.
So, we're basically where we started, aren't we? The best thing for you to do is to stop playing sleuth and do something about the situation. When he talks about other girls, tell him how that makes you feel and stop talking about other guys -- you're sending the wrong message when you do.
Stop being so cautious. Take a chance with the truth.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have a guy friend who I have feelings for, but am unsure if he has any for me. He behaves in some confusing ways. For example there is this guy who I think is hot, and whenever I mention him, my friend will always try and talk him down and get those around us to say negative things about him too. However my friend is always talking about girls he likes and thinks are hot, and currently he is always telling me about going to see this one girl he likes. I don't understand why he gets so angry and possessive (like he will put his arm around me or sit really closely etc.) whenever there is a guy round who I kind of like, or who might like me, but expects me to sit back and let him do what he wishes when it comes to girls. What should I do?
VictorM's answer:
His behaior is consistant with someone who likes you, and with someone who doesn't.
The coupling of him not liking you talking about other guys AND telling you about girls he likes is consistent with a guy who likes you. So, why is he talking about other girls? In guy logic, that makes sense. By talking about other girls he hopes to get you jealous and as a consequence measure your interest in him. So, what has been your reaction? That's the message is after. I think you're sending the wrong one.
His behavior is also consistent with someone who thinks of you as just a friend. I would not jump to the conclusion that because he's possessive and doesn't like you mentioning guys that he likes you. Some guys have a competitive nature and turn almost everything into a "me against him" kinda game.
So, we're basically where we started, aren't we? The best thing for you to do is to stop playing sleuth and do something about the situation. When he talks about other girls, tell him how that makes you feel and stop talking about other guys -- you're sending the wrong message when you do.
Stop being so cautious. Take a chance with the truth.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend