Friday, March 31, 2006
He acts like I'm just one of his friends
jennifer, 16, from bronx, ny asks:
Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a year on and off, he was my first. But when we together everything is all good but when we see each other at school it's a different story. He acts like I'm just one of his friends. He gets mad over the littlest things and three days could pass by without him calling then when I ask him about it he says because I ain't called him. Right now we ain't talking because he stood me up and I got mad so he's not talking to me. Let me remind you I'm the one who got stood up. Well, I don't know what I should do. Somebody HELP
VictorM's advice:
Welcome to the world of teenage immaturity, mainly his, but yours too.
Your boyfriend is acting like an idiot. That's easy to tell. But the purpose of going out with another is to see if they're a good fit for you. Do they help make your life a happier one? Along the way, all kinds of signs let you know if this is going to be the case or not. It's not unusual for teenagers to have more ups and downs in their relationships than more mature people, but that still doesn't mean you shouldn't be toning your powers of observation and detecting personality flaws in your partner that will stand in the way of your happiness.
Things like getting "mad over the littlest things", going days without calling you because you didn't call him, and not treating you like a girlfriend at school are, in part, signs of immaturity but they are also a window into the kind of person/friend/lover he is. And the signs aren't very good.
You're getting enough clear signs but ignoring them. Stay with him at your own peril.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a year on and off, he was my first. But when we together everything is all good but when we see each other at school it's a different story. He acts like I'm just one of his friends. He gets mad over the littlest things and three days could pass by without him calling then when I ask him about it he says because I ain't called him. Right now we ain't talking because he stood me up and I got mad so he's not talking to me. Let me remind you I'm the one who got stood up. Well, I don't know what I should do. Somebody HELP
VictorM's advice:
Welcome to the world of teenage immaturity, mainly his, but yours too.
Your boyfriend is acting like an idiot. That's easy to tell. But the purpose of going out with another is to see if they're a good fit for you. Do they help make your life a happier one? Along the way, all kinds of signs let you know if this is going to be the case or not. It's not unusual for teenagers to have more ups and downs in their relationships than more mature people, but that still doesn't mean you shouldn't be toning your powers of observation and detecting personality flaws in your partner that will stand in the way of your happiness.
Things like getting "mad over the littlest things", going days without calling you because you didn't call him, and not treating you like a girlfriend at school are, in part, signs of immaturity but they are also a window into the kind of person/friend/lover he is. And the signs aren't very good.
You're getting enough clear signs but ignoring them. Stay with him at your own peril.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Three dates
TK, 32, from California asks:
I met a guy I've been on 3 dates with so far (and no, the third date rule did not go into effect!). We've had a blast each time. He's emailed me afterwards to say what a great evening he's had each time. I think he likes me, but he doesn't call. We basically communicate through a couple brief emails to set up our next date. A little background: he was divorced 2-3 years ago. Has a 4 1/2 yr old boy. He's 39. He's in a career transition. His son spends about 4 days a week with him. Should I take the initiative and just ask him if he's interested in me? Or will that freak him out? Because while he's with me, he seems really interested. Then the rest of the week we don't even talk. I've never dated someone with a child, but am very open to it. Just don't know how it is. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
After three dates you want to ask if he's interested in you? TK, he hasn't even had time to clean the fuzz from his navel since he first saw you. Please, do him, and yourself, a favor. Do NOT ask that question. *grumbles to self: why oh why are women in such a rush?*
Anyway, this guy likes you, but he's trying to balance a lot of things. Ease your way into his life. Let him set the pace. Now, that doesn't mean you should sit back and do nothing, but you're going to have to slow down. (By the way, make nothing of him not calling -- most guys hate, HATE, the phone!)
It's quite possible that he's not ready to introduce you to his boy. I wouldn't blame him if he wants to spend time with the kid without introducing another woman. And if you have met the kid, that's a good sign. But the best you can do is be a good listener and not pressure him. I'm telling you, a guy after a divorce, changing jobs, dealing with a son, will not stand for a lot of theatrics and demands. But if you come across as non-threatening and tolerant, he may start leaning on you and letting you in. That's what you should be after at this time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I met a guy I've been on 3 dates with so far (and no, the third date rule did not go into effect!). We've had a blast each time. He's emailed me afterwards to say what a great evening he's had each time. I think he likes me, but he doesn't call. We basically communicate through a couple brief emails to set up our next date. A little background: he was divorced 2-3 years ago. Has a 4 1/2 yr old boy. He's 39. He's in a career transition. His son spends about 4 days a week with him. Should I take the initiative and just ask him if he's interested in me? Or will that freak him out? Because while he's with me, he seems really interested. Then the rest of the week we don't even talk. I've never dated someone with a child, but am very open to it. Just don't know how it is. Thanks.
VictorM's advice:
After three dates you want to ask if he's interested in you? TK, he hasn't even had time to clean the fuzz from his navel since he first saw you. Please, do him, and yourself, a favor. Do NOT ask that question. *grumbles to self: why oh why are women in such a rush?*
Anyway, this guy likes you, but he's trying to balance a lot of things. Ease your way into his life. Let him set the pace. Now, that doesn't mean you should sit back and do nothing, but you're going to have to slow down. (By the way, make nothing of him not calling -- most guys hate, HATE, the phone!)
It's quite possible that he's not ready to introduce you to his boy. I wouldn't blame him if he wants to spend time with the kid without introducing another woman. And if you have met the kid, that's a good sign. But the best you can do is be a good listener and not pressure him. I'm telling you, a guy after a divorce, changing jobs, dealing with a son, will not stand for a lot of theatrics and demands. But if you come across as non-threatening and tolerant, he may start leaning on you and letting you in. That's what you should be after at this time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, March 30, 2006
He told me he wanted the infamous break
confused, 21, asks:
ok here my dilemma, I was dating someone for almost 3 years when suddenly he told me he wanted the infamous break, which eventually led out our break up in January. After that I completely cut him off. I changed my number, my screen name, and anything else I could think of. Last week I logged into my email and there was a smiley face from him. This week he spoke to one of my friends asking how I am. He told my friend that as much as he would love to be with me, there are things that I say or do that completely turn him off. One example he mentioned is that after he said he wanted the break, I just couldn't handle that and I said we should break up. My friend told him that if he really wanted to know how I was doing he should call and find it. He answered her that I probably don't even wanna hear from him because I stopped talking to him and cut off all contact. My question is what does this all mean? If he doesn't want to be with me why think about me and taunt me like this? It's not fair. Time has passed and the situation has changed. Just be a man and call or forget about me.
VictorM's answer:
This guy is like most guys -- he hates to be thought of as a bad guy. But let me tell you plainly: he doesn't want to get back together with you. That doesn't mean he hates you. He may even like you as a person. But what's driving him is that he hates to think someone out there thinks he's a bad guy.
He runs into your friend and he wants to come across to her as the good guy. So he tells her he still likes you (she is your friend, so it wouldn't be popular to trash you -- remember, he wants her to think nicely of him too), and he pinpoints some small defects about you to justify having broken up with you. But that's all nonsense; that's not why he's not with you. He's not with you and he won't call you because is he's not in love with you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
ok here my dilemma, I was dating someone for almost 3 years when suddenly he told me he wanted the infamous break, which eventually led out our break up in January. After that I completely cut him off. I changed my number, my screen name, and anything else I could think of. Last week I logged into my email and there was a smiley face from him. This week he spoke to one of my friends asking how I am. He told my friend that as much as he would love to be with me, there are things that I say or do that completely turn him off. One example he mentioned is that after he said he wanted the break, I just couldn't handle that and I said we should break up. My friend told him that if he really wanted to know how I was doing he should call and find it. He answered her that I probably don't even wanna hear from him because I stopped talking to him and cut off all contact. My question is what does this all mean? If he doesn't want to be with me why think about me and taunt me like this? It's not fair. Time has passed and the situation has changed. Just be a man and call or forget about me.
VictorM's answer:
This guy is like most guys -- he hates to be thought of as a bad guy. But let me tell you plainly: he doesn't want to get back together with you. That doesn't mean he hates you. He may even like you as a person. But what's driving him is that he hates to think someone out there thinks he's a bad guy.
He runs into your friend and he wants to come across to her as the good guy. So he tells her he still likes you (she is your friend, so it wouldn't be popular to trash you -- remember, he wants her to think nicely of him too), and he pinpoints some small defects about you to justify having broken up with you. But that's all nonsense; that's not why he's not with you. He's not with you and he won't call you because is he's not in love with you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
I found out that he was seeing someone else
Milly, 27, from Gauteng, Roodepoort asks:
Hi, I've been dating this guy since 2003. We broke up last year (November) after I found out that he was seeing someone else. I'm still in love with him and I miss him so much! He said he still loves me too but I don't understand why we cannot get back together! I want him back and I need your help! I've tried before to ask him back but in vain! I really and truly want him back. What do I say to him and how do I say it? He's changed his numbers! The weird part is he asks about me a lot. He wants to know who I'm dating and whether I'm dating! Please HELP!!
VictorM's advice:
He probably asks about you hoping you have found someone, got married, and had tons of kids so you can LEAVE HIM ALONE. He says he loves you, but that's a lie. He just doesn't have the nerve to tell you what he really thinks. Milly, the guy doesn't love you! HE DOESN'T WANT YOU. How much more clear can he make it before you get it? You don't need a boyfriend; you need a therapist.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Hi, I've been dating this guy since 2003. We broke up last year (November) after I found out that he was seeing someone else. I'm still in love with him and I miss him so much! He said he still loves me too but I don't understand why we cannot get back together! I want him back and I need your help! I've tried before to ask him back but in vain! I really and truly want him back. What do I say to him and how do I say it? He's changed his numbers! The weird part is he asks about me a lot. He wants to know who I'm dating and whether I'm dating! Please HELP!!
VictorM's advice:
He probably asks about you hoping you have found someone, got married, and had tons of kids so you can LEAVE HIM ALONE. He says he loves you, but that's a lie. He just doesn't have the nerve to tell you what he really thinks. Milly, the guy doesn't love you! HE DOESN'T WANT YOU. How much more clear can he make it before you get it? You don't need a boyfriend; you need a therapist.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Confidential to Ana
I know it because it's my native tongue. I was born in Terceira, Azores.
Fancy this teacher
emma smith, 13, from ryburn valley high school asks:
I fancy this teacher and I think he fancies me. What shall I do?
VictorM's advice:
You shall dress very provocatively, tease him, tempt him, and try to be alone with him. Then he might make a pass at you, and who knows, maybe even have sex with you. This will totally ruin his professional life, destroy his family, shame him among his friends, and most likely get him arrested.
Is this what you want for someone you fancy? I don't think so! So keep your fancying to yourself. Do nothing. Stay away from him. Focus on boys your age and leave him alone.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
I fancy this teacher and I think he fancies me. What shall I do?
VictorM's advice:
You shall dress very provocatively, tease him, tempt him, and try to be alone with him. Then he might make a pass at you, and who knows, maybe even have sex with you. This will totally ruin his professional life, destroy his family, shame him among his friends, and most likely get him arrested.
Is this what you want for someone you fancy? I don't think so! So keep your fancying to yourself. Do nothing. Stay away from him. Focus on boys your age and leave him alone.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
Love was in the air
Ana, 28, from Nederlands asks:
My boyfriend told me in January "you are the one", involved me in the decisions about his new apartment calling me "the boss", we were making plans of visiting my parents in Portugal. Anyway, love was in the air. Somewhere in the middle of February he starts being evasive about future plans, he needs time for himself, still caring for me and taking little actions for me even when I don't know (organizing things for me at work that he knew I had to take care of). During this period he was complaining about small things I did, like not putting the blanket back or so...Problem: he decides that is over, comes to my place, tells me in the middle of enormous amount of tears. We work in the same place, when he sees me he makes this guilt face, if we are alone he would start crying at the same time asking how I was. After two weeks I decide to go on a week vacation with friends because seeing him every day is a bit difficult. When I return I see that he is now together with a girl from the same building at work. A girl that was sending him e-mails and cards. My questions: Does he like me but the attraction of having somebody else was too strong? Why did he cry so much after the break up? Was it because he was not sure about what he wanted or out of guilt? Do you think he will miss me in few months when the relationship with this other girl loses the excitment of the first times? What I mean is, is she basically a tool for him to feel good? The only problem I have to get over him is believing in the feeling he had before were strong!
VictorM's answer:
He fell in love with someone else. He tried to fight it off hoping it was just a phase. So he become even closer to you hoping the feelings for the other girl would die down (that's the "you're the one" period). Then, when his feelings didn't subside, he started looking for defects in you (that's the "blanket in the wrong place" period) to convince himself you weren't "the one" after all. Then, when his feelings for the other girl were still strong, he made a decision.
It's possible that he's a serial fall-in-and-out-of-love kinda guy but I don't think so because of the guilt he has shown and the steps he went through to avoid it. I believe he's in love with this other girl.
His guilt is not a reflection of the love he felt for you -- he might have been in love with you, he might not, I don't know -- but that guilt is a way for him to live with himself in the future. By crying, by feeling bad, by demonstrating guilt, he's paying a penitence that will entitle him to be with her guilt-free. I hate to say this, but I don't think he's coming back to you. Even if things with the new girl don't work out he's burned the emotional bridge to you. The decision he made isn't so much that he's in love with her; it's that you are not his "one".
So the last question is, were his feelings for you real? I really can't say, but it's entirely possible that they were. Even if you are "in love", you can meet someone new that turns your world upside down. It happened to him; it could happen to you.
So what does that mean about future relationships? Could this happen again? The answer is yes. And that's why you should live for the moment, making the best of each day you spend with the person you are in love with. They could be gone tomorrow by death, by betrayal, or by a change of heart.
For you, it will take time to get over this. You will miss him. And as we say:
"A saudade é um luto
Uma dor, uma aflição
É um cortinado roxo
Que me cobre o coração"
But we also say:
"Não há mal que por bem não venha".
You will find someone better. That's a promise.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
My boyfriend told me in January "you are the one", involved me in the decisions about his new apartment calling me "the boss", we were making plans of visiting my parents in Portugal. Anyway, love was in the air. Somewhere in the middle of February he starts being evasive about future plans, he needs time for himself, still caring for me and taking little actions for me even when I don't know (organizing things for me at work that he knew I had to take care of). During this period he was complaining about small things I did, like not putting the blanket back or so...Problem: he decides that is over, comes to my place, tells me in the middle of enormous amount of tears. We work in the same place, when he sees me he makes this guilt face, if we are alone he would start crying at the same time asking how I was. After two weeks I decide to go on a week vacation with friends because seeing him every day is a bit difficult. When I return I see that he is now together with a girl from the same building at work. A girl that was sending him e-mails and cards. My questions: Does he like me but the attraction of having somebody else was too strong? Why did he cry so much after the break up? Was it because he was not sure about what he wanted or out of guilt? Do you think he will miss me in few months when the relationship with this other girl loses the excitment of the first times? What I mean is, is she basically a tool for him to feel good? The only problem I have to get over him is believing in the feeling he had before were strong!
VictorM's answer:
He fell in love with someone else. He tried to fight it off hoping it was just a phase. So he become even closer to you hoping the feelings for the other girl would die down (that's the "you're the one" period). Then, when his feelings didn't subside, he started looking for defects in you (that's the "blanket in the wrong place" period) to convince himself you weren't "the one" after all. Then, when his feelings for the other girl were still strong, he made a decision.
It's possible that he's a serial fall-in-and-out-of-love kinda guy but I don't think so because of the guilt he has shown and the steps he went through to avoid it. I believe he's in love with this other girl.
His guilt is not a reflection of the love he felt for you -- he might have been in love with you, he might not, I don't know -- but that guilt is a way for him to live with himself in the future. By crying, by feeling bad, by demonstrating guilt, he's paying a penitence that will entitle him to be with her guilt-free. I hate to say this, but I don't think he's coming back to you. Even if things with the new girl don't work out he's burned the emotional bridge to you. The decision he made isn't so much that he's in love with her; it's that you are not his "one".
So the last question is, were his feelings for you real? I really can't say, but it's entirely possible that they were. Even if you are "in love", you can meet someone new that turns your world upside down. It happened to him; it could happen to you.
So what does that mean about future relationships? Could this happen again? The answer is yes. And that's why you should live for the moment, making the best of each day you spend with the person you are in love with. They could be gone tomorrow by death, by betrayal, or by a change of heart.
For you, it will take time to get over this. You will miss him. And as we say:
"A saudade é um luto
Uma dor, uma aflição
É um cortinado roxo
Que me cobre o coração"
But we also say:
"Não há mal que por bem não venha".
You will find someone better. That's a promise.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
My partner and I have been together 6 years
b, 23, from england asks:
My partner and I have been together 6 years he dont work he looks after our son while i work full time isort bells money etc. at the mom i am at home he is in bed its 2pm i feel as though he is only here for an easy ride i have tryed loads of times to talk bout it what should i do ??
VictorM's advice:
I couldn't make out all that you're trying to say but I hope I understood your question correctly. Basically, your partner stays at home, you do the work, he's lazy and not motivated to get a job.
He looks after your son. Is he good at taking care of the child? Because if he is, that is quite a good service he provides. No one would bat an eye if you stayed home and he went to work, so why is that a problem when the situation is reserved? Getting a good baby-sitter is not easy. And as every mother who stays at home will tell you, that's not easy work. That could explain him being in bed at 2 PM.
So how do you motivate an unmotivated man? It's not easy but you don't do it with put downs and insults. Building up his ego works a lot better. If he's remotely good to your child, start saying how grateful you are he's so good. Praise his good behavior. Tell him how good, smart, clever, etc. he is. Talk about him as the man you want him to be. That is much more likely to motivate him than insults will.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
My partner and I have been together 6 years he dont work he looks after our son while i work full time isort bells money etc. at the mom i am at home he is in bed its 2pm i feel as though he is only here for an easy ride i have tryed loads of times to talk bout it what should i do ??
VictorM's advice:
I couldn't make out all that you're trying to say but I hope I understood your question correctly. Basically, your partner stays at home, you do the work, he's lazy and not motivated to get a job.
He looks after your son. Is he good at taking care of the child? Because if he is, that is quite a good service he provides. No one would bat an eye if you stayed home and he went to work, so why is that a problem when the situation is reserved? Getting a good baby-sitter is not easy. And as every mother who stays at home will tell you, that's not easy work. That could explain him being in bed at 2 PM.
So how do you motivate an unmotivated man? It's not easy but you don't do it with put downs and insults. Building up his ego works a lot better. If he's remotely good to your child, start saying how grateful you are he's so good. Praise his good behavior. Tell him how good, smart, clever, etc. he is. Talk about him as the man you want him to be. That is much more likely to motivate him than insults will.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I like this one boy who I bowl with
Sheena, 20, from: WI asks:
I like this one boy who I bowl with and have in a class. I talk with him online quite a bit where we have very funny and interesting conversations. Sometimes we talk for an hour or two. We talk in person too and he is always smiling and saying something funny. The lecture we have together is pretty big, so sometimes he gets there too late to sit by me, but every time he can he does. At bowling I noticed him acting slightly more goofy when we would be bowling on the same lanes then if we were apart and one time I thought he was looking at me so I looked up at him and as soon as I caught his eyes, he quickly darted them away. It seems like he looks at me from time to time out of the corner of my eye. Another thing is, is that online we talk very easily and good, but in person its a little more nerve racking, but still good and funny. We actually talk more online then in person. I think he is shy when it comes to girls just like I am shy when it come to boys. He never brings up other girls and one time someone called him to go to a movie and I asked "was it a giiiiiiirl" and he said it was, but that it wasn't just the two of them going, there would be another guy there. I then said "just wondering hahah" and he said "eh, no problem". He didn't have to say "its not just the two of us going" so i don't know. He also seems to be taking some interest in my interests like going to a website I gave him(which I didn't think he would do) and actually tried what it said. Do you think that he likes me? If so, what should I do cause he may be too shy to say so, but I am too?!
VictorM's answer:
Does he like you? Duh! Of course he does.
Seems to me you're doing fine. Asking "was it a giiiiiiirl" shows some interest. That's good. If you're shy and you still manage to be cool and fun with him, that's a good sign.
Generally guys move into a relationship at a slower pace, so don't expect him to rush you to the altar. Your next goal should be to spend more time with him, one on one. Going to the movies is an easy way to do it. Since the movie topic has come up between you two, you could mention that you can't wait to see a certain movie (I recommend "Inside Man" or "16 Blocks" right now -- both movies will give you plenty to talk about after) and just say you hate going alone. See if he takes the bait. If he doesn't ask you to go, you can just say that you're going anyway at (make sure you have a time picked out) and if he wants to come along that would be great.
And you'll live happily ever after. :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
I like this one boy who I bowl with and have in a class. I talk with him online quite a bit where we have very funny and interesting conversations. Sometimes we talk for an hour or two. We talk in person too and he is always smiling and saying something funny. The lecture we have together is pretty big, so sometimes he gets there too late to sit by me, but every time he can he does. At bowling I noticed him acting slightly more goofy when we would be bowling on the same lanes then if we were apart and one time I thought he was looking at me so I looked up at him and as soon as I caught his eyes, he quickly darted them away. It seems like he looks at me from time to time out of the corner of my eye. Another thing is, is that online we talk very easily and good, but in person its a little more nerve racking, but still good and funny. We actually talk more online then in person. I think he is shy when it comes to girls just like I am shy when it come to boys. He never brings up other girls and one time someone called him to go to a movie and I asked "was it a giiiiiiirl" and he said it was, but that it wasn't just the two of them going, there would be another guy there. I then said "just wondering hahah" and he said "eh, no problem". He didn't have to say "its not just the two of us going" so i don't know. He also seems to be taking some interest in my interests like going to a website I gave him(which I didn't think he would do) and actually tried what it said. Do you think that he likes me? If so, what should I do cause he may be too shy to say so, but I am too?!
VictorM's answer:
Does he like you? Duh! Of course he does.
Seems to me you're doing fine. Asking "was it a giiiiiiirl" shows some interest. That's good. If you're shy and you still manage to be cool and fun with him, that's a good sign.
Generally guys move into a relationship at a slower pace, so don't expect him to rush you to the altar. Your next goal should be to spend more time with him, one on one. Going to the movies is an easy way to do it. Since the movie topic has come up between you two, you could mention that you can't wait to see a certain movie (I recommend "Inside Man" or "16 Blocks" right now -- both movies will give you plenty to talk about after) and just say you hate going alone. See if he takes the bait. If he doesn't ask you to go, you can just say that you're going anyway at (make sure you have a time picked out) and if he wants to come along that would be great.
And you'll live happily ever after. :)
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
Monday, March 27, 2006
It's not a good time right now
Alexis, 17, from Georgia asks:
I really like this guy and we have gone out on a few dates. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend/fiance and so I am ready to move on. The guy I like told me that he cares about me and he really likes me. I waited and waited for him to ask me out and he did not so I did. I asked him out but he said he does not think it is a good time right now. What the heck does this mean??? Did I miss something here???
VictorM's answer:
"He cares and he really likes you". I bet he feels the same way about his mom. I don't see where that says he wants a relationship with you. Maybe he has a girlfriend. Maybe he has another girl in mind. Maybe he just doesn't want to go out yet with a 17 year old girl that was so recently engaged.
Things might change with him but don't sit around waiting. Go out with friends, have fun, meet new people, but try not to rush into another relationship yet.
This guy may come around, but he probably won't. "Not a good time" = not a good sign.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I really like this guy and we have gone out on a few dates. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend/fiance and so I am ready to move on. The guy I like told me that he cares about me and he really likes me. I waited and waited for him to ask me out and he did not so I did. I asked him out but he said he does not think it is a good time right now. What the heck does this mean??? Did I miss something here???
VictorM's answer:
"He cares and he really likes you". I bet he feels the same way about his mom. I don't see where that says he wants a relationship with you. Maybe he has a girlfriend. Maybe he has another girl in mind. Maybe he just doesn't want to go out yet with a 17 year old girl that was so recently engaged.
Things might change with him but don't sit around waiting. Go out with friends, have fun, meet new people, but try not to rush into another relationship yet.
This guy may come around, but he probably won't. "Not a good time" = not a good sign.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He just went through a divorce
Tricia, 21, from OH asks:
I was seeing a guy a few years back we broke up for a while and I moved out he tried to contact me after I moved by calling and he even stopped at my grandparents to see if they knew how to get ahold of me. I was trying to get his contact information online and when I did I found out he got married, I was hurt. Well, here recently I sent him an email congratulating him on his marriage and he sent me an email back telling me he got divorced a couple of months ago and he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner and a movie to catch up on things. He also told me that he thought of me every once in a while. I still have feelings for him, I always will and I know he just went through a divorce and it's too soon for him to start seeing someone else. My question is, how will I know it's the right time for me to let him know? Thanks
VictorM's advice:
How long could he have been married for? Not that many years, I suppose. This is not like he was married for 20 years, had kids, mortgage, and hasn't been with other women for years. I don't think it's too soon to contact him.
You should make contact right away and start a friendship, but I don't think you should let him know that you like him. Not yet anyway. Talk, hang out, find out more about him, let him find out more about you. Let him be the one to dictate some of the pace, considering the situation.
Seems like his jump into marriage was sudden, and equally sudden was his divorce. I wouldn't say there is something wrong with him just because of that, but don't dismiss this warning flag too easily.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
I was seeing a guy a few years back we broke up for a while and I moved out he tried to contact me after I moved by calling and he even stopped at my grandparents to see if they knew how to get ahold of me. I was trying to get his contact information online and when I did I found out he got married, I was hurt. Well, here recently I sent him an email congratulating him on his marriage and he sent me an email back telling me he got divorced a couple of months ago and he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner and a movie to catch up on things. He also told me that he thought of me every once in a while. I still have feelings for him, I always will and I know he just went through a divorce and it's too soon for him to start seeing someone else. My question is, how will I know it's the right time for me to let him know? Thanks
VictorM's advice:
How long could he have been married for? Not that many years, I suppose. This is not like he was married for 20 years, had kids, mortgage, and hasn't been with other women for years. I don't think it's too soon to contact him.
You should make contact right away and start a friendship, but I don't think you should let him know that you like him. Not yet anyway. Talk, hang out, find out more about him, let him find out more about you. Let him be the one to dictate some of the pace, considering the situation.
Seems like his jump into marriage was sudden, and equally sudden was his divorce. I wouldn't say there is something wrong with him just because of that, but don't dismiss this warning flag too easily.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
Boyfriend barely calls
Nicole, 20, from New Jersey asks:
Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 months now. He was really shy in the beginning but he called me a lot even just to say hi. Now he barely calls and he says he's going to call me at a certain time, but then doesn't. Is he losing interest? Or do guys really have a hard time talking on the phone? Should I call him or wait three days for him to call me?
VictorM's advice:
He could be losing interest, I wouldn't know, but guys do hate talking on the phone. Also, he's passed the conquering stage of the relationship and is starting to settle into the secure stage. You have to train him like dog owners train their puppies.
Don't allow him to sit back in the comfort zone. Rattle his cage. How? Spend time with your friends. Don't call him. Don't act mad when he does call. Tell him you think respect in a relationship is important; if he doesn't respect you (by calling when he says he will) maybe he's not the kind of boyfriend you want. Say this without appearing mad, just very sure of yourself. Brag about the fun you have with your friends. If he says he can't see you or call you, just say, oh that's OK, I'll find something fun to do without you.
One of two things will happen: if he doesn't start calling and giving you attention, then he's losing interest. But if he still likes you, he'll revert back to the early days and give you attention.
You ALWAYS have to make a guy feel a little bit uncertain. I know that's contrary to your instincts, but guys need to be challenged, not nurtured.
Now, go get him, tiger! Don't let this guy mess with a Jersey Girl!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 months now. He was really shy in the beginning but he called me a lot even just to say hi. Now he barely calls and he says he's going to call me at a certain time, but then doesn't. Is he losing interest? Or do guys really have a hard time talking on the phone? Should I call him or wait three days for him to call me?
VictorM's advice:
He could be losing interest, I wouldn't know, but guys do hate talking on the phone. Also, he's passed the conquering stage of the relationship and is starting to settle into the secure stage. You have to train him like dog owners train their puppies.
Don't allow him to sit back in the comfort zone. Rattle his cage. How? Spend time with your friends. Don't call him. Don't act mad when he does call. Tell him you think respect in a relationship is important; if he doesn't respect you (by calling when he says he will) maybe he's not the kind of boyfriend you want. Say this without appearing mad, just very sure of yourself. Brag about the fun you have with your friends. If he says he can't see you or call you, just say, oh that's OK, I'll find something fun to do without you.
One of two things will happen: if he doesn't start calling and giving you attention, then he's losing interest. But if he still likes you, he'll revert back to the early days and give you attention.
You ALWAYS have to make a guy feel a little bit uncertain. I know that's contrary to your instincts, but guys need to be challenged, not nurtured.
Now, go get him, tiger! Don't let this guy mess with a Jersey Girl!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Should I call?
Caroline, 46, from Sarasota, Florida asks:
I have been casually dating a fellow I like, he is 54 or so. We were seeing each other two or three times a week. It has been three days since his last call and I wonder if I should take the initative or if that is too "aggressive" at my age. Are there rules about this sort of thing?I realize he might need his own space but I would love to go out for a drink later... Should I call?
VictorM's answer:
Caroline, is that you!?
(Sorry, couldn't resist the coincidence of his age and home state).
Yeah, call him. And say exactly what you said here "I would love to go out for a drink". Keep it non-demanding, don't be pushy, but by all means express your interest. It's possible he's just busy but maybe he's waiting to see how interested you are.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
I have been casually dating a fellow I like, he is 54 or so. We were seeing each other two or three times a week. It has been three days since his last call and I wonder if I should take the initative or if that is too "aggressive" at my age. Are there rules about this sort of thing?I realize he might need his own space but I would love to go out for a drink later... Should I call?
VictorM's answer:
Caroline, is that you!?
(Sorry, couldn't resist the coincidence of his age and home state).
Yeah, call him. And say exactly what you said here "I would love to go out for a drink". Keep it non-demanding, don't be pushy, but by all means express your interest. It's possible he's just busy but maybe he's waiting to see how interested you are.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
I am begging for his attention
Jane, 27, from CA asks:
I am engaged to a guy who was at first very loving - he could not get enough of me! Now it seems as though I am begging for his attention. He does not seem to value my perceptions or feeling about the relationship or distance - he keeps asking me to stop questioning his love for me. I told him today that I was scared of this, scared of him. I could tell that he was hurt, but is the truth. It has now been several hours and he has not addressed me or even attempted to talk to me. Am I being stupid? Does this guy really not care about me? Thanks!
VictorM’s advice:
Most guys get lazy after the initial burst of passion. The sense of security takes over from the need to conquer. In addition, guys generally don’t understand why they have to keep saying they love you and you already know that.
If you actually used the words “scared of him” I can understand him being pissed. That is probably the last thing a guy wants to hear from a girl. Much less one that says she’s in love with him. Your choice of words sucked.
Just about any guy you meet, after a certain period, will relax. If you can't deal with that that really is your problem -- you're not going to change a couple billion guys.
You have every right to express your desire for more affection, attention, and verbalization of his feelings, but your language hit below the belt. Always talk about your feelings, not about his behavior. (I feel lonely... I feel unappreciated... I like to hear I'm loved... etc. Always start with "I".
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am engaged to a guy who was at first very loving - he could not get enough of me! Now it seems as though I am begging for his attention. He does not seem to value my perceptions or feeling about the relationship or distance - he keeps asking me to stop questioning his love for me. I told him today that I was scared of this, scared of him. I could tell that he was hurt, but is the truth. It has now been several hours and he has not addressed me or even attempted to talk to me. Am I being stupid? Does this guy really not care about me? Thanks!
VictorM’s advice:
Most guys get lazy after the initial burst of passion. The sense of security takes over from the need to conquer. In addition, guys generally don’t understand why they have to keep saying they love you and you already know that.
If you actually used the words “scared of him” I can understand him being pissed. That is probably the last thing a guy wants to hear from a girl. Much less one that says she’s in love with him. Your choice of words sucked.
Just about any guy you meet, after a certain period, will relax. If you can't deal with that that really is your problem -- you're not going to change a couple billion guys.
You have every right to express your desire for more affection, attention, and verbalization of his feelings, but your language hit below the belt. Always talk about your feelings, not about his behavior. (I feel lonely... I feel unappreciated... I like to hear I'm loved... etc. Always start with "I".
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Am I just over analyzing things?
Danielle, 16, PA asks:
I'm not really sure if this guy likes me or if it's just all in my head. He always stares at me and he's friends with a guy friend of mine but when they're talking or if he is talking to another one of his guy friends he will always have his body facing me and not even look at the friend he's talking to but just stare at me (if I'm across the room). Then he will kind of follow me in the hall if he sees me or if I’m at my locker he will walk by about 2 maybe 3 times. Am I just over analyzing things or does he really like me?
VictorM’s advice:
Well, he likes something about you. He probably finds you attractive. Does that mean he’s attracted to you? Quite possibly but not necessarily. We all find many people attractive without being attracted to them. This could be the case here. Also, you could be one of many girls he does this with.
So, bottom line is, there’s a good chance he likes you, but none of it means anything unless more direct contact takes place.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I'm not really sure if this guy likes me or if it's just all in my head. He always stares at me and he's friends with a guy friend of mine but when they're talking or if he is talking to another one of his guy friends he will always have his body facing me and not even look at the friend he's talking to but just stare at me (if I'm across the room). Then he will kind of follow me in the hall if he sees me or if I’m at my locker he will walk by about 2 maybe 3 times. Am I just over analyzing things or does he really like me?
VictorM’s advice:
Well, he likes something about you. He probably finds you attractive. Does that mean he’s attracted to you? Quite possibly but not necessarily. We all find many people attractive without being attracted to them. This could be the case here. Also, you could be one of many girls he does this with.
So, bottom line is, there’s a good chance he likes you, but none of it means anything unless more direct contact takes place.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
He needs time and that he is going through a lot
samantha, 25, from los angeles asks:
What does it mean when a guy says he needs time and that he is going through a lot right now?
VictorM's answer:
It means he's not interested in you.
See, if a guy is going through a lot he'd want someone he really loves there to help him. He came to realize you're not the one.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
What does it mean when a guy says he needs time and that he is going through a lot right now?
VictorM's answer:
It means he's not interested in you.
See, if a guy is going through a lot he'd want someone he really loves there to help him. He came to realize you're not the one.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
Friday, March 24, 2006
I am so addicted to him
tanya, 18, from lesta asks:
I am with this guy for 6 months and he's my first guy. I never been out with anyone before because I used to think that am not ready yet but anyways I am with him for 6 months and he wants to end it because he thinks that I deserve a better guy, He cried as well and he goes I can't express my love to you, its hard for me and I don't wanna spoil your life, he goes concentrate on studies only and leave me. I don't know what to do, I am so addicted to him. I tried to talk to him but he's blanking me. What do you think I should do?
Victor M's answer:
Listen to yourself: "I am so addicted to him". My guess from that and his reaction is that you're driving him crazy. You're probably clingy, possessive, I don't know exactly, but something along those lines. My guess is you sucked the life out of the relationship.
Forget what he told you; he'll say anything just to get away without hurting you. Forget about him (I know, easier said than done since you're "addicted"), he's made up his mind to move on. You should do likewise but you really should examine how you behaved. How often did you call him? Do you have friends? Do you hang out with them? Do you have interestes besides your boyfriend?
If you aren't honest with yourself, you're likely to hear the same thing from the next guy and the guy after that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
I am with this guy for 6 months and he's my first guy. I never been out with anyone before because I used to think that am not ready yet but anyways I am with him for 6 months and he wants to end it because he thinks that I deserve a better guy, He cried as well and he goes I can't express my love to you, its hard for me and I don't wanna spoil your life, he goes concentrate on studies only and leave me. I don't know what to do, I am so addicted to him. I tried to talk to him but he's blanking me. What do you think I should do?
Victor M's answer:
Listen to yourself: "I am so addicted to him". My guess from that and his reaction is that you're driving him crazy. You're probably clingy, possessive, I don't know exactly, but something along those lines. My guess is you sucked the life out of the relationship.
Forget what he told you; he'll say anything just to get away without hurting you. Forget about him (I know, easier said than done since you're "addicted"), he's made up his mind to move on. You should do likewise but you really should examine how you behaved. How often did you call him? Do you have friends? Do you hang out with them? Do you have interestes besides your boyfriend?
If you aren't honest with yourself, you're likely to hear the same thing from the next guy and the guy after that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Good things come to those who wait
Chelbie, 12, Michigan asks:
I have this guy I like and we talk a lot. He laughs at my jokes and that kind of thing. The only thing I want is for us to be more than just friends, if you get my point. How do I do that?
VictorM’s advice:
This is how you do it: you keep talking and laughing and exercising patience because as the saying goes “good things come to those who wait”. Don’t rush the boy. Boys generally mature later than girls and most likely all he wants for now is to just talk and laugh.
As a father, I say wait till you’re 35.
I have this guy I like and we talk a lot. He laughs at my jokes and that kind of thing. The only thing I want is for us to be more than just friends, if you get my point. How do I do that?
VictorM’s advice:
This is how you do it: you keep talking and laughing and exercising patience because as the saying goes “good things come to those who wait”. Don’t rush the boy. Boys generally mature later than girls and most likely all he wants for now is to just talk and laugh.
As a father, I say wait till you’re 35.
He won’t kiss me
Shannon, 14, from ok asks:
Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 6 months and he won’t kiss me and when I ask him about it he tries to avoid it. What does that mean?
VictorM’s advice:
It just means he’s not ready for the kissing, making out stuff yet. That’s not unusual. Many boys don’t start feeling the urge until later. You need to understand that it has nothing to do with you; it has to do with his development. It could also be that he has the urge but is nervous about it because kissing generally leads to more and many boys get apprehensive about going too far.
I say give him more time. Just enjoy his company, have fun, but don’t bring up the kissing. When he’s ready, you’ll know it. And then… call the fire department -- it’s going to get super hot!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, kissing, boyfriend, girlfriend
Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 6 months and he won’t kiss me and when I ask him about it he tries to avoid it. What does that mean?
VictorM’s advice:
It just means he’s not ready for the kissing, making out stuff yet. That’s not unusual. Many boys don’t start feeling the urge until later. You need to understand that it has nothing to do with you; it has to do with his development. It could also be that he has the urge but is nervous about it because kissing generally leads to more and many boys get apprehensive about going too far.
I say give him more time. Just enjoy his company, have fun, but don’t bring up the kissing. When he’s ready, you’ll know it. And then… call the fire department -- it’s going to get super hot!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, kissing, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, March 23, 2006
How to get a guy’s attention
Amy, 13, from New York asks:
I would like to know how to get a guy’s attention but to not exaggerate much?And how do you know when a guy likes you.
VictorM’s advice:
You get his attention with three things: smiles, using his name, and a nice word (compliment). When you see him, smile, say “Hi Jim”, and then, if appropriate, say something like: “Nice shirt, Jim”, then smile and walk away (very important – walk away). This boy will be eating out of your hands in no time.
You know he likes you when he loses the biggest fight of his life and all he can do is scream: “Adrian! Adrian!”. Oh wait... nevermind that! Well, you never really know when a boy likes you. You just hope he does, you think he does, he treats you like he does, but you can never be sure. And that’s how it should be. Mystery is the spark of life.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, compliment, boyfriend, girlfriend
I would like to know how to get a guy’s attention but to not exaggerate much?And how do you know when a guy likes you.
VictorM’s advice:
You get his attention with three things: smiles, using his name, and a nice word (compliment). When you see him, smile, say “Hi Jim”, and then, if appropriate, say something like: “Nice shirt, Jim”, then smile and walk away (very important – walk away). This boy will be eating out of your hands in no time.
You know he likes you when he loses the biggest fight of his life and all he can do is scream: “Adrian! Adrian!”. Oh wait... nevermind that! Well, you never really know when a boy likes you. You just hope he does, you think he does, he treats you like he does, but you can never be sure. And that’s how it should be. Mystery is the spark of life.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, compliment, boyfriend, girlfriend
Huge crush on this guy
Wise, 15, from NY says:
I have a huge crush on this guy but he has a girlfriend, so he says. But we talk on the phone almost every day. We give each other hugs every time we see each other. We even held hands one time.
VictorM’s advice:
Thanks for sharing. That’s cool.
I looked all over for a question but couldn't find one.
I have a huge crush on this guy but he has a girlfriend, so he says. But we talk on the phone almost every day. We give each other hugs every time we see each other. We even held hands one time.
VictorM’s advice:
Thanks for sharing. That’s cool.
I looked all over for a question but couldn't find one.
He was too scared of love
Gerry, 32, from Miami asks:
I went out with a guy for a month and we never had a fight, we had great chemistry. He's 26 and he's never had a real girlfriend, just hook-ups and short relationships. He always told me that even though he felt great with me and that I was awesome physically and spiritually, he knew I deserved better because he didn't believe in falling in love, he was too scared of love and that I was such a good person that he didn't want to hurt me. He broke up with me, but it took him 6 hours to do it, and the whole time it seemed as if he wasn't very sure about it. He said it wasn't me that it was him. He said he's a control freak and he didn't believe in falling in love because that would mean losing control, etc... Now we are just friends, but he is still very nice and caring with me. Do you think I could get him back and help him lose his fear of intimacy, his fear of falling in love? If so, how could I do it?
VictorM’s advice:
No, you can’t! The biggest mistake women make in relationships is to think they can “fix” guys. You can’t. You’ll just tie your life up. Don’t do it.
Look, this guy just isn’t into you enough. You’re not his “it”. It’s that simple. Everything else he tells you is bullshit! He means well. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, but you have to face reality. He likes you. He likes your company. But you’re not his “it”.
Move on! For his sake and for yours.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
I went out with a guy for a month and we never had a fight, we had great chemistry. He's 26 and he's never had a real girlfriend, just hook-ups and short relationships. He always told me that even though he felt great with me and that I was awesome physically and spiritually, he knew I deserved better because he didn't believe in falling in love, he was too scared of love and that I was such a good person that he didn't want to hurt me. He broke up with me, but it took him 6 hours to do it, and the whole time it seemed as if he wasn't very sure about it. He said it wasn't me that it was him. He said he's a control freak and he didn't believe in falling in love because that would mean losing control, etc... Now we are just friends, but he is still very nice and caring with me. Do you think I could get him back and help him lose his fear of intimacy, his fear of falling in love? If so, how could I do it?
VictorM’s advice:
No, you can’t! The biggest mistake women make in relationships is to think they can “fix” guys. You can’t. You’ll just tie your life up. Don’t do it.
Look, this guy just isn’t into you enough. You’re not his “it”. It’s that simple. Everything else he tells you is bullshit! He means well. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, but you have to face reality. He likes you. He likes your company. But you’re not his “it”.
Move on! For his sake and for yours.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I want to know if this boy I like likes me back
Kailey, 10, from Arizona asks:
I know I am only ten but I want to know if this boy I like likes me back. So here's the story: one day I told my best friend (who is now my ex-best friend) that I liked this boy named Tyler. So she told him(!) and all he said was, "Oh"! His friend said he had a half crush on me but a major crush on my new best friend. Luckily she doesn't like him! WHAT DO I DO?
VictorM’s advice:
There are 10 year olds in Arizona? I thought only old people and Alice Cooper lived there. (I know, you won’t get that, but I’m laughing).
Of course he likes you; he’d have to be a fool not to. But 10-year-old boys are generally yucky. They smell, have cooties, and wear dirty underwear (I don’t know why but 10 year old boys just don’t know how to wipe well). So, what you should do about it is wait. I'd say that oh, in about 20 years, you could start paying attention to boys. (They’ll still be yucky and their wiping skills actually will get worse, but you can’t wait forever.)
I know I am only ten but I want to know if this boy I like likes me back. So here's the story: one day I told my best friend (who is now my ex-best friend) that I liked this boy named Tyler. So she told him(!) and all he said was, "Oh"! His friend said he had a half crush on me but a major crush on my new best friend. Luckily she doesn't like him! WHAT DO I DO?
VictorM’s advice:
There are 10 year olds in Arizona? I thought only old people and Alice Cooper lived there. (I know, you won’t get that, but I’m laughing).
Of course he likes you; he’d have to be a fool not to. But 10-year-old boys are generally yucky. They smell, have cooties, and wear dirty underwear (I don’t know why but 10 year old boys just don’t know how to wipe well). So, what you should do about it is wait. I'd say that oh, in about 20 years, you could start paying attention to boys. (They’ll still be yucky and their wiping skills actually will get worse, but you can’t wait forever.)
He's going to visit his ex-girlfriend
Mellissa, 18, NZ asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months. He is 21. We already love each other a lot and have a great relationship but I have a concern. He went out with a girl for 2 years when he was younger. This ended three years ago. He loved her also. She doesn’t live in NZ and he is going on his O.E in 8 months and he plans to go and visit her and stay with her and have her show him around. He is traveling with a guy mate but I am still worried, mainly, because he says she doesn’t matter anymore and he doesn’t like her but I have come across a lot of things that are from their relationship. Three years later why does he still have reminders of her everywhere? Do you think I have reason to be jealous or worried?
VictorM’s advice:
Yes, I can understand you being jealous and worried. But this boils down to one question: Do you trust him or not? If you don’t, well, then you don’t have such a great relationship after all. If you trust him, this is the time to show it. It won’t be easy for you, given the circumstances, but doing something difficult is the true test of love. I don’t know enough details to judge whether he should go or not go. But I do see it as a worthwhile test for how strong your love is.
Another good reason for him to go is that he may not be totally over her – what you’ve told me suggests he’s not – so seeing her again may be something he really needs to do. In the long run it could be the best thing for you. He may still have these nice thoughts about her but now that he’s known you he may realize you’re the one he wants to be with. Seeing her will just put the last nail on their relationship and his memories. If that’s so, when he returns, you may find that some of those things he’s keeping from her will be gone. If, however, the visit rekindles his feelings for her, you’re better off finding out now instead of years down the road.
So which way will it go and how will you know? I have no idea how it will go but one thing I’m sure of – you will know when you look at him. Don't listen to his words; trust your instincts.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months. He is 21. We already love each other a lot and have a great relationship but I have a concern. He went out with a girl for 2 years when he was younger. This ended three years ago. He loved her also. She doesn’t live in NZ and he is going on his O.E in 8 months and he plans to go and visit her and stay with her and have her show him around. He is traveling with a guy mate but I am still worried, mainly, because he says she doesn’t matter anymore and he doesn’t like her but I have come across a lot of things that are from their relationship. Three years later why does he still have reminders of her everywhere? Do you think I have reason to be jealous or worried?
VictorM’s advice:
Yes, I can understand you being jealous and worried. But this boils down to one question: Do you trust him or not? If you don’t, well, then you don’t have such a great relationship after all. If you trust him, this is the time to show it. It won’t be easy for you, given the circumstances, but doing something difficult is the true test of love. I don’t know enough details to judge whether he should go or not go. But I do see it as a worthwhile test for how strong your love is.
Another good reason for him to go is that he may not be totally over her – what you’ve told me suggests he’s not – so seeing her again may be something he really needs to do. In the long run it could be the best thing for you. He may still have these nice thoughts about her but now that he’s known you he may realize you’re the one he wants to be with. Seeing her will just put the last nail on their relationship and his memories. If that’s so, when he returns, you may find that some of those things he’s keeping from her will be gone. If, however, the visit rekindles his feelings for her, you’re better off finding out now instead of years down the road.
So which way will it go and how will you know? I have no idea how it will go but one thing I’m sure of – you will know when you look at him. Don't listen to his words; trust your instincts.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend
I have a boyfriend and have feelings for another boy
ashley, 13, from florida asks:
I have a boyfriend. I told him he was my first but he's not. I love him a lot but I also have some feelings for another boy. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Ashley, Ashley, Ashley... so young and so sneaky. That's not good.
I wouldn't go back on what you told your boyfriend, but do yourself a favor next time -- be honest! It always, always, works out better.
I say keep your boyfriend and wait to see how you feel about the other boy in a few weeks. Often, especially at your age, you get these crushes that fade away quickly. It would be a pity to make a move that you'll regret right away. Keep the crush to yourself. Don't tell anyone for now.
But don't feel bad about liking two boys. That is quite common and nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you don't let it get out of hand.
I have a boyfriend. I told him he was my first but he's not. I love him a lot but I also have some feelings for another boy. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Ashley, Ashley, Ashley... so young and so sneaky. That's not good.
I wouldn't go back on what you told your boyfriend, but do yourself a favor next time -- be honest! It always, always, works out better.
I say keep your boyfriend and wait to see how you feel about the other boy in a few weeks. Often, especially at your age, you get these crushes that fade away quickly. It would be a pity to make a move that you'll regret right away. Keep the crush to yourself. Don't tell anyone for now.
But don't feel bad about liking two boys. That is quite common and nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you don't let it get out of hand.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I haven't heard from him
Katie, 26, from VA asks:
The guy I like is very busy with work, school and many other things. I contacted him last and I haven't heard from him. Is it safe to call him or is it true that he needs to do the "chasing?"
Victor's M advice:
Sure, it's best that he do the chasing, but that doesn't mean you can't nudge him.
If he doesn't call you, you'll stay exactly where you are now -- nowhere. So you really have nothing to lose by calling him.
The guy I like is very busy with work, school and many other things. I contacted him last and I haven't heard from him. Is it safe to call him or is it true that he needs to do the "chasing?"
Victor's M advice:
Sure, it's best that he do the chasing, but that doesn't mean you can't nudge him.
If he doesn't call you, you'll stay exactly where you are now -- nowhere. So you really have nothing to lose by calling him.
In person or by e-mail?
cherie, 16, from south carolina asks:
Is it better to ask a shy guy out in person or by e-mail?
VictorM's advice:
It's better to lead him to ask you, but given just the two choices, I'd say in person is best, but if you're shy or nervous about it, e-mail is not bad. An e-mail is the same as a note slipped into him. What matters is that the message gets there.
But if you're going to use an e-mail, don't get too mushy. That e-mail might be forwarded to all his friends. You never know.
Is it better to ask a shy guy out in person or by e-mail?
VictorM's advice:
It's better to lead him to ask you, but given just the two choices, I'd say in person is best, but if you're shy or nervous about it, e-mail is not bad. An e-mail is the same as a note slipped into him. What matters is that the message gets there.
But if you're going to use an e-mail, don't get too mushy. That e-mail might be forwarded to all his friends. You never know.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Too shy for the prom
Anna, 17, from Massachusetts asks:
I like this guy, but he's really shy and nervous around girls. I want to go to prom with him, and I think he knows and kind of wants to go, but I don't know if he's going to ask me, or if he's too shy. I'm shy, too, so I'm nervous to ask him. I don't want to be turned down! What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Read this. It aplies to you.
I like this guy, but he's really shy and nervous around girls. I want to go to prom with him, and I think he knows and kind of wants to go, but I don't know if he's going to ask me, or if he's too shy. I'm shy, too, so I'm nervous to ask him. I don't want to be turned down! What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
Read this. It aplies to you.
We have total chemistry
julie, 22, from canada asks:
I just recently broke up with my boyfriend off an on and off again relationship of 3 yrs. I have however been having an affair with his friend. At first it would only be once in a blue moon of drinking. Now it has gotten to be the point where we see each other a lot more talk on the phone, spend nights together. We have total chemistry and he is very sweet. Verbally telling me how much he loves spending time with me, that he could never get sick of me, playing songs that remind me of him and doing nice gestures. He does have a girlfriend as well who lives out of town. I don't expect anything to really come from this even though it feels like a tonne of feelings are involved for both of us. Do you think things could ever get more serious? I can't see it but would he break up with his girlfriend ever? Why does he want to spend time with me? What is the most that could come from this?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know how he feels about his girlfriend, but why would he breakup with her for you? You're an easy -- free, in fact -- piece of ass, without any commitments. Heck, since he clearly just wants you for the sex, why would he change anything?
Never mind what he tells you. Guys will say anything to keep the source of the free sex flowing. Words are just words and they too are free.
Hey, if you don't mind just the sex and the phony words, that's your business, but any chance of a happy relationship between two cheaters isn't something with a high percentage of success. Oh, sorta like Elton John getting pregnant.
I just recently broke up with my boyfriend off an on and off again relationship of 3 yrs. I have however been having an affair with his friend. At first it would only be once in a blue moon of drinking. Now it has gotten to be the point where we see each other a lot more talk on the phone, spend nights together. We have total chemistry and he is very sweet. Verbally telling me how much he loves spending time with me, that he could never get sick of me, playing songs that remind me of him and doing nice gestures. He does have a girlfriend as well who lives out of town. I don't expect anything to really come from this even though it feels like a tonne of feelings are involved for both of us. Do you think things could ever get more serious? I can't see it but would he break up with his girlfriend ever? Why does he want to spend time with me? What is the most that could come from this?
VictorM's advice:
I don't know how he feels about his girlfriend, but why would he breakup with her for you? You're an easy -- free, in fact -- piece of ass, without any commitments. Heck, since he clearly just wants you for the sex, why would he change anything?
Never mind what he tells you. Guys will say anything to keep the source of the free sex flowing. Words are just words and they too are free.
Hey, if you don't mind just the sex and the phony words, that's your business, but any chance of a happy relationship between two cheaters isn't something with a high percentage of success. Oh, sorta like Elton John getting pregnant.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
The drunken confession
Claire, 24, from UK asks:
There is a boy that I have been friends with for years, we haven't been close ever but I have been to see him a few times, nothing has ever happened between us but I have always liked him more than friends, it's juts he has always had a girlfriend. The one time he hadn't I took my sister to meet him and asked her whether he liked me, she said no, so I left it. He then came to see me just before he went away with his new girlfriend and said drunkenly "why didn't you call me after we met up - I thought something was going to happen with us then" so I was kinda shocked! I saw him last week as he has just got back from USA (having split up with his partner) and I still really like him. But I'm unsure whether to say something when he comes to my house next week (he is working nearby), as I don't want to make a fool of myself. He is very flirty and said a few times how good I looked, but I don't know whether that was as a friend?? What do you think? Claire
VictorM's advice:
He likes you. How do I know? Because he said it when he was drunk. See, alcohol removes a person's inhibitions and their true self comes out.
Go for it Claire. He's yours for the taking.
And if he wavers, buy him a few drinks!
There is a boy that I have been friends with for years, we haven't been close ever but I have been to see him a few times, nothing has ever happened between us but I have always liked him more than friends, it's juts he has always had a girlfriend. The one time he hadn't I took my sister to meet him and asked her whether he liked me, she said no, so I left it. He then came to see me just before he went away with his new girlfriend and said drunkenly "why didn't you call me after we met up - I thought something was going to happen with us then" so I was kinda shocked! I saw him last week as he has just got back from USA (having split up with his partner) and I still really like him. But I'm unsure whether to say something when he comes to my house next week (he is working nearby), as I don't want to make a fool of myself. He is very flirty and said a few times how good I looked, but I don't know whether that was as a friend?? What do you think? Claire
VictorM's advice:
He likes you. How do I know? Because he said it when he was drunk. See, alcohol removes a person's inhibitions and their true self comes out.
Go for it Claire. He's yours for the taking.
And if he wavers, buy him a few drinks!
Boyfriend doesn't want to meet best friend
liz, 20, from idaho asks:
My friend is coming to visit for a week from out of state. My boyfriend doesn't want to meet her, because he's shy, and he says that he is just going to not see me for the time she's here, because she'll be staying at my house. He's met my other friends before, why is he doing this?
VictorM's advice:
You know as well as I do that shyness is not the reason. Maybe he wants to watch March Madness all day long?
It's possible he feels he'll be a third wheel -- and he most likely will be -- but I would insist he meet her, at least for a few minutes. If he's not willing to do that, I don't know, sounds fishy to me.
My friend is coming to visit for a week from out of state. My boyfriend doesn't want to meet her, because he's shy, and he says that he is just going to not see me for the time she's here, because she'll be staying at my house. He's met my other friends before, why is he doing this?
VictorM's advice:
You know as well as I do that shyness is not the reason. Maybe he wants to watch March Madness all day long?
It's possible he feels he'll be a third wheel -- and he most likely will be -- but I would insist he meet her, at least for a few minutes. If he's not willing to do that, I don't know, sounds fishy to me.
My boyfriend says how much he hates his ex-girlfriend
becky, 16, from Pennsylvania asks:
My boyfriend says how much he hates his ex-girlfriend and how badly she treated him. I do not like my ex boyfriend and I never talk about him to my current boyfriend. Every time we talk on the phone, it seems, my boyfriend brings up the subject of his ex. The other day we were standing in the hall waiting for class to start and his ex came up and just punched him playfully in the arm. I expected my boyfriend to act angry about it, but instead he just playfully punched her back like he was flirting with her. And I was standing there the whole time!!! I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend and tell him not to talk to her, but he told me he hated her but yet he still talks to her. How should I deal??? I can't help these jealous feelings!!!
VictorM's advice:
Exes are evil! Remember that. Any time exes get in the picture things get complicated. So I don't blame you for feeling insecure at this point.
I don't know how long he saw her for or the conditions of their breakup, but it's normal to take a while to get her off his system, especially if she was the one who broke up with him.
The acceptance of her joking with him, and him joking back, could be just a natural reaction common to most males. See, guys hate to admit that someone else hurt them, so all he's doing is making it appear as if she hasn't hurt him. He's putting up an act with her. I wouldn't make too much of that.
However, don't dismiss the possibility that he still has feelings for her. In fact, I think it's quite likely based on what you said. While it may not be easy for you, I suggest you give him some more time to see if he gets her out of his system. I know the normal reaction would be to tell him to stop talking about her, but if you do, you'll never know if he stopped because you asked him or because she no longer means anything to him. By letting him talk you can gauge it. If after a while (you decide how long based on your patience level) he's still going on about her, he's spoiled goods. Give him his walking papers. Unless you want to be a second banana.
My boyfriend says how much he hates his ex-girlfriend and how badly she treated him. I do not like my ex boyfriend and I never talk about him to my current boyfriend. Every time we talk on the phone, it seems, my boyfriend brings up the subject of his ex. The other day we were standing in the hall waiting for class to start and his ex came up and just punched him playfully in the arm. I expected my boyfriend to act angry about it, but instead he just playfully punched her back like he was flirting with her. And I was standing there the whole time!!! I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend and tell him not to talk to her, but he told me he hated her but yet he still talks to her. How should I deal??? I can't help these jealous feelings!!!
VictorM's advice:
Exes are evil! Remember that. Any time exes get in the picture things get complicated. So I don't blame you for feeling insecure at this point.
I don't know how long he saw her for or the conditions of their breakup, but it's normal to take a while to get her off his system, especially if she was the one who broke up with him.
The acceptance of her joking with him, and him joking back, could be just a natural reaction common to most males. See, guys hate to admit that someone else hurt them, so all he's doing is making it appear as if she hasn't hurt him. He's putting up an act with her. I wouldn't make too much of that.
However, don't dismiss the possibility that he still has feelings for her. In fact, I think it's quite likely based on what you said. While it may not be easy for you, I suggest you give him some more time to see if he gets her out of his system. I know the normal reaction would be to tell him to stop talking about her, but if you do, you'll never know if he stopped because you asked him or because she no longer means anything to him. By letting him talk you can gauge it. If after a while (you decide how long based on your patience level) he's still going on about her, he's spoiled goods. Give him his walking papers. Unless you want to be a second banana.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
I want to know why men pick really stupid fights
nicole, 27, from san francisco asks:
Hi, I want to know why men pick really stupid fights, causing scenes, and then cleverly reversing the whole thing? Now I'm wondering what I did to him, kissing his ass, and leaving messages crying. Is this some type of "mind game" or what? And if so how can I avoid being a victim? It is causing major turmoil in my relationship. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
There are two possibilities here. One, your boyfriend is a jerk, in which case I have to ask, why are you still with him? Two, your dismissive attitude about his grievances, by calling them stupid, suggests to me you don't pay him proper attention.
In either case, the ball is on your court. Blaming others for the problems in the relationship just shows you're not mature enough to do the right thing. If you're dating a jerk, dump his ass. If he's not a jerk, work to be more understanding of his displeasure and discuss it like adults.
You avoid being the victim by realizing that the words exchanged in fights should be ignored because when people get mad their intuition is to inflict pain -- either physical or emotional -- on the source of their rage. Instead of calling him back in tears, you should allow for a cool-off period. Later, instead of talking about the fight and the words said, talk about the feelings he felt that led him to say the things he did. This way, you might find out that when he called you a "flirting whore" in front of everyone at the bar, what he really meant to say is: "I can't handle it when other guys look at you." That's just an example but try to apply it to your situation.
You really should not assume that guys are playing mind games. That only appears so because men have a difficult time dealing with their own deep emotions so they resort to superficial themes. Most times with guys this type of attitude is not a game; it's an inadequacy.
Hi, I want to know why men pick really stupid fights, causing scenes, and then cleverly reversing the whole thing? Now I'm wondering what I did to him, kissing his ass, and leaving messages crying. Is this some type of "mind game" or what? And if so how can I avoid being a victim? It is causing major turmoil in my relationship. Thanks
VictorM's advice:
There are two possibilities here. One, your boyfriend is a jerk, in which case I have to ask, why are you still with him? Two, your dismissive attitude about his grievances, by calling them stupid, suggests to me you don't pay him proper attention.
In either case, the ball is on your court. Blaming others for the problems in the relationship just shows you're not mature enough to do the right thing. If you're dating a jerk, dump his ass. If he's not a jerk, work to be more understanding of his displeasure and discuss it like adults.
You avoid being the victim by realizing that the words exchanged in fights should be ignored because when people get mad their intuition is to inflict pain -- either physical or emotional -- on the source of their rage. Instead of calling him back in tears, you should allow for a cool-off period. Later, instead of talking about the fight and the words said, talk about the feelings he felt that led him to say the things he did. This way, you might find out that when he called you a "flirting whore" in front of everyone at the bar, what he really meant to say is: "I can't handle it when other guys look at you." That's just an example but try to apply it to your situation.
You really should not assume that guys are playing mind games. That only appears so because men have a difficult time dealing with their own deep emotions so they resort to superficial themes. Most times with guys this type of attitude is not a game; it's an inadequacy.
I am in love with my friend's best friend
Alice, 17, from Johannesburg asks:
I am in love with my friend's best friend who also happens to be a good friend to me. We were attending matric together and he asked me to go to the farewell with him but unfortunately it was cancelled. My friend was closer to him and his friends with him more than me. She sends him sms's and I recently do the same. She loves him as a friend and I have feelings for him. I think he also feels the same about me but he doesn't say it exactly. Will being with him ruin my friendship with her? She sometimes says it irritates her when friends become lovers because they act differently. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea how your friend would react if you started going out with this guy. But a "best friends" who is more concerned with herself than the happiness of a friend doesn't deserve the title of "best", and maybe not even the "friend".
If you and him start going out you will act differently. There is no question about it. And if she can't handle it, that's her problem, not yours. That's not to say you shouldn't be sensitive to her feelings and, to the extent possible, minimize the actions that you know irritate her, but ultimately, you shouldn't stop your pursuit of happiness just because she'll get irritated.
I say make a move for him and try as much as you can to be conscientious of her feelings, but don't let her crankiness block your happiness.
I am in love with my friend's best friend who also happens to be a good friend to me. We were attending matric together and he asked me to go to the farewell with him but unfortunately it was cancelled. My friend was closer to him and his friends with him more than me. She sends him sms's and I recently do the same. She loves him as a friend and I have feelings for him. I think he also feels the same about me but he doesn't say it exactly. Will being with him ruin my friendship with her? She sometimes says it irritates her when friends become lovers because they act differently. What should I do?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea how your friend would react if you started going out with this guy. But a "best friends" who is more concerned with herself than the happiness of a friend doesn't deserve the title of "best", and maybe not even the "friend".
If you and him start going out you will act differently. There is no question about it. And if she can't handle it, that's her problem, not yours. That's not to say you shouldn't be sensitive to her feelings and, to the extent possible, minimize the actions that you know irritate her, but ultimately, you shouldn't stop your pursuit of happiness just because she'll get irritated.
I say make a move for him and try as much as you can to be conscientious of her feelings, but don't let her crankiness block your happiness.
Friday, March 17, 2006
He called police to ask me to go away.
A in the city, 26, from New Zealand asks:
I am 26 now. I found I was genious. I would spot problem middle age man (who has never married) and have relationship. I had handsome nice flatmate (24yr old) ask me to go out before and I didn't and have no feeling at all. I tried to meet people (similar age) on match.com, but I just could not make it to a stage to go out. I found I still had feeling for the 45yr old. I have run away a few times. I tried to see counselling. It didn't work. He refused to leave his fiancee to be with me. He called police to ask me to go away. I did cut him off after that (2 1/2 mths ago). But I am still thinking about him. Then I met the 44yr old. He was so nice to me at the beginning. 1 mth later, we have problem. End up he told me that he thought I took things too seriously and he just want a casual relationship. And I told him I don't want to see him anymore. He has never call me since then. I live by myself. I feel extreme lonely. Sometimes, I was crying when I turn the light off before sleep. I told my friend about it. She said I just need time to heal my heart broken by the 45yr old. I really don't like crying at night time. I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice: I don't know what you meant by "genious", but I don't think you meant "genius", unless it's sarcasm. Anyway, you like older men. That's not a crime. You probably didn't grow up with a father, or your father was a poor role model. That's quite typical if that's the case.
Your real problem is that you seem to be an obsessive person. One guy, who was engaged to someone else, had to call the cops for you to go away; the other says you take things too serious and never contacts you again. I say you need more help than what I can give you. You say you already saw counseling. I say you need to try again, with another counselor.
Getting over someone takes time. Meanwhile, don't force yourself to find another guy. You're better off finding an interest to occupy your mind. A hobby of some sort. Something to help you make new friends, go to different places, do different things than you ever did with the 45 yr old guy. Keeping yourself busy with something you're passionate about will open the door for you meeting someone that shares the same passion.
Until then, feeling lonely and crying are part of the price you pay for a broken heart. The Portuguese have a saying for those who cry a lot: "Quem muito chora, menos mija" - "She who cries a lot, pees less". Just a way of saying, there's a silver lining in every cloud. You just have to look for it instead of shutting yourself off from the world.
I am 26 now. I found I was genious. I would spot problem middle age man (who has never married) and have relationship. I had handsome nice flatmate (24yr old) ask me to go out before and I didn't and have no feeling at all. I tried to meet people (similar age) on match.com, but I just could not make it to a stage to go out. I found I still had feeling for the 45yr old. I have run away a few times. I tried to see counselling. It didn't work. He refused to leave his fiancee to be with me. He called police to ask me to go away. I did cut him off after that (2 1/2 mths ago). But I am still thinking about him. Then I met the 44yr old. He was so nice to me at the beginning. 1 mth later, we have problem. End up he told me that he thought I took things too seriously and he just want a casual relationship. And I told him I don't want to see him anymore. He has never call me since then. I live by myself. I feel extreme lonely. Sometimes, I was crying when I turn the light off before sleep. I told my friend about it. She said I just need time to heal my heart broken by the 45yr old. I really don't like crying at night time. I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice: I don't know what you meant by "genious", but I don't think you meant "genius", unless it's sarcasm. Anyway, you like older men. That's not a crime. You probably didn't grow up with a father, or your father was a poor role model. That's quite typical if that's the case.
Your real problem is that you seem to be an obsessive person. One guy, who was engaged to someone else, had to call the cops for you to go away; the other says you take things too serious and never contacts you again. I say you need more help than what I can give you. You say you already saw counseling. I say you need to try again, with another counselor.
Getting over someone takes time. Meanwhile, don't force yourself to find another guy. You're better off finding an interest to occupy your mind. A hobby of some sort. Something to help you make new friends, go to different places, do different things than you ever did with the 45 yr old guy. Keeping yourself busy with something you're passionate about will open the door for you meeting someone that shares the same passion.
Until then, feeling lonely and crying are part of the price you pay for a broken heart. The Portuguese have a saying for those who cry a lot: "Quem muito chora, menos mija" - "She who cries a lot, pees less". Just a way of saying, there's a silver lining in every cloud. You just have to look for it instead of shutting yourself off from the world.
Me and my friends like to jerk off together
john, 15, from boston asks:
Me and my friends like to jerk off together looking at Playboys. It is so much fun to play with each other that way. Does these mean I am gay?
(Question sent to Ask A Real Mom)
john, from boston asks:
I am a 15 yr old boy I masturbate 2 or 3 times a day. Is there something wrong with me? I can't wait till I am alone to do it again.
VictorM's advice: You are one busy boy.
You like to play with each other? I assume you mean you give each other hand jobs. If that's so, well, that's not exactly heterosexual, now is it? You look at Playboy, not Playgirl, so you could just be experimenting or going through a phase. But at your age boys tend to be very skittish about touching other boys, so I don't know. Time will tell. If you're doing the same thing with your college roommates, then you're gay, or at least bi-sexual. If, however, I misunderstood you and you two just masturbate yourselves, not each other, then you're just a little weird, but nothing to see a shrink about.
You're 15 and you masturbate 2 or 3 times a day? Hell, yeah, there's something wrong with you. At 15 you should be choking the chicken 5 to 7 times a day. My rule of thumb is: if you're not growing calluses on your hand, you're a slacker. So, you have some catching up to do. (Nah, seriously, 2 to 3 times a day is very normal. There's nothing wrong with you in that department.)
Me and my friends like to jerk off together looking at Playboys. It is so much fun to play with each other that way. Does these mean I am gay?
(Question sent to Ask A Real Mom)
john, from boston asks:
I am a 15 yr old boy I masturbate 2 or 3 times a day. Is there something wrong with me? I can't wait till I am alone to do it again.
VictorM's advice: You are one busy boy.
You like to play with each other? I assume you mean you give each other hand jobs. If that's so, well, that's not exactly heterosexual, now is it? You look at Playboy, not Playgirl, so you could just be experimenting or going through a phase. But at your age boys tend to be very skittish about touching other boys, so I don't know. Time will tell. If you're doing the same thing with your college roommates, then you're gay, or at least bi-sexual. If, however, I misunderstood you and you two just masturbate yourselves, not each other, then you're just a little weird, but nothing to see a shrink about.
You're 15 and you masturbate 2 or 3 times a day? Hell, yeah, there's something wrong with you. At 15 you should be choking the chicken 5 to 7 times a day. My rule of thumb is: if you're not growing calluses on your hand, you're a slacker. So, you have some catching up to do. (Nah, seriously, 2 to 3 times a day is very normal. There's nothing wrong with you in that department.)
Thursday, March 16, 2006
I'm thinking about asking him to the prom
Hot-Caramel, 17, from C.A. question:
Me and this guy are friends, but I have a crush on him. He messes around with me sometimes and sometimes tries to get my attention when I don't notice him. I'm thinking about asking him to the prom, but this is the thing, he flirts with a whole lot of girls and I don't want to be rejected. What should I do?
VictorM's answer:
How about asking without asking him? Huh? OK, let me explain.
You can ask him to help you find a prom date. Maybe he'll say: "How about me?" If he says that, you say: "Cool, you're it!" and you can be eternally grateful to me. If he doesn't offer himself and starts naming names, you keep saying no. Tell him what you're looking for in a prom date by listing things that only he fits the description for, like: has to be a friend, has to be someone that makes me laugh, has to be about (his height), has to be (his color hair), has to be (his age), etc. until you practically have to say his name, but of course you don't.
If he doesn't get it, he's a moron and you'll get over him soon enough. But after all this, if he still plays dumb, you know not to ask him directly.
Let us know how it turns out.
Me and this guy are friends, but I have a crush on him. He messes around with me sometimes and sometimes tries to get my attention when I don't notice him. I'm thinking about asking him to the prom, but this is the thing, he flirts with a whole lot of girls and I don't want to be rejected. What should I do?
VictorM's answer:
How about asking without asking him? Huh? OK, let me explain.
You can ask him to help you find a prom date. Maybe he'll say: "How about me?" If he says that, you say: "Cool, you're it!" and you can be eternally grateful to me. If he doesn't offer himself and starts naming names, you keep saying no. Tell him what you're looking for in a prom date by listing things that only he fits the description for, like: has to be a friend, has to be someone that makes me laugh, has to be about (his height), has to be (his color hair), has to be (his age), etc. until you practically have to say his name, but of course you don't.
If he doesn't get it, he's a moron and you'll get over him soon enough. But after all this, if he still plays dumb, you know not to ask him directly.
Let us know how it turns out.
My boyfriend isn't interested in intimacy
becca, 32, from ohio asks:
My boyfriend doesn't ever seem like he is interested in intimacy. It seems like sometimes he is even afraid to even touch me. Like putting his hands on me is a real problem. What can I do to get him interested in any type of intimate contact?
VictorM's advice:
The very first and most important thing you have to realize is that his lack of intimacy has NOTHING to do with you. Chances are it's an upbringing issue. I bet his family are not very touchy-feely kind of people. Chances are some bad things happened to him that make him this way.
My very strong suggesting is that you do all you can for him to get professional therapy. If he's this way with you now, he'll most likely be that way with your children. And don't fool yourself into thinking you can "fix"him -- you can't. He really does need professional help to get over whatever has caused this.
Meanwhile, you better get used to the idea that yelling and screaming and complaining isn't going to help; in fact, it'll make it worse. You may initiate some touching, but don't take it personally if he doesn't respond. It's not you he's rejecting; it's someone in his past.
It's totally understandable that you want intimacy in your life. So be forceful about him seeking professional help. Otherwise, in time, you will be the one seeking a shrink, if you don't dump him before then, that is.
My boyfriend doesn't ever seem like he is interested in intimacy. It seems like sometimes he is even afraid to even touch me. Like putting his hands on me is a real problem. What can I do to get him interested in any type of intimate contact?
VictorM's advice:
The very first and most important thing you have to realize is that his lack of intimacy has NOTHING to do with you. Chances are it's an upbringing issue. I bet his family are not very touchy-feely kind of people. Chances are some bad things happened to him that make him this way.
My very strong suggesting is that you do all you can for him to get professional therapy. If he's this way with you now, he'll most likely be that way with your children. And don't fool yourself into thinking you can "fix"him -- you can't. He really does need professional help to get over whatever has caused this.
Meanwhile, you better get used to the idea that yelling and screaming and complaining isn't going to help; in fact, it'll make it worse. You may initiate some touching, but don't take it personally if he doesn't respond. It's not you he's rejecting; it's someone in his past.
It's totally understandable that you want intimacy in your life. So be forceful about him seeking professional help. Otherwise, in time, you will be the one seeking a shrink, if you don't dump him before then, that is.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
How can I get the guts to ask him out on a date?
CASEY, 16, from louisiana asks: I really like this guy, Colby. He is really nice. And I want to go on a date with him but every time I go to ask him out I chicken out and turn away. I am very shy. How can I not be so shy? Or how can I get the guts to ask him out on a date? Please help me!
VictorM's advice: Don't ask him out. Once you ask a guy out you run too many risks, mainly, that he'll start taking you for granted or, if he turns you down, you'll be crushed. It's not worth the risk.
What I suggest you do instead is talk to him as friends and in friendly conversation mention that you're going to the mall on such day/time, and tell him if he's there at that time you can have some ice cream together (or something that you know he likes.) This way, you don't run the risk of being rejected (if he doesn't show up is because he was busy or couldn't get a ride). You could do that with movies or sporting events, ("hey Colby, I'm going to see 16 Blocks at 2:00 PM. If you're going I'll see you there".) Again, no rejection if he doesn't show up.
Now, if you don't even talk to him now, asking him out would be an even bigger mistake. Start small and become his friend first.
VictorM's advice: Don't ask him out. Once you ask a guy out you run too many risks, mainly, that he'll start taking you for granted or, if he turns you down, you'll be crushed. It's not worth the risk.
What I suggest you do instead is talk to him as friends and in friendly conversation mention that you're going to the mall on such day/time, and tell him if he's there at that time you can have some ice cream together (or something that you know he likes.) This way, you don't run the risk of being rejected (if he doesn't show up is because he was busy or couldn't get a ride). You could do that with movies or sporting events, ("hey Colby, I'm going to see 16 Blocks at 2:00 PM. If you're going I'll see you there".) Again, no rejection if he doesn't show up.
Now, if you don't even talk to him now, asking him out would be an even bigger mistake. Start small and become his friend first.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
We both have problems forming relationships
robyn, 18, from delaware asks: Hello, me and this guy been talking on the phone for 2 years. We never met but only send each other pictures and he sent me one letter (I send him like 30). We used to talk everyday during high school. Now we talk once a week if that. Do you think that I am wasting my time? Or I should be patience and began to call him again? I think about him 24-7 and I don't know if he even thinks about me. How do I ask him do he even have feelings for me anymore? And he always makes fun of me, what's up with that? I have another question. What do you do when you really love this person, but you think that they are using you for sexual purposes and you feel bad sometimes when you talk to them because you know that they want sex from you and that's the only reason they call you and you feel special that at least they call you? The only time that you and that person talk is when the other person is bored or is horny. We both have problems forming relationships, we both have been hurt. Why is it he's sometime is here for me when I'm upset or crying. He doesn't like to hear me cry but I think he only wants sex from me. I know that I'm not that beautiful, but I deserve something, right? What can I do to get over him? He only wants to be friends after 2 years. He still only wants to be friends, what do I do? I can't make him love me and I can't keep crying over him. I need help please help me.
VictorM's advice: If I understand you correctly, you're talking about one guy. You never met him but he wants you just for sex. So, we're talking about phone sex and cybersex. I had to edit your question quite a bit as it was quite confusing. I hope I got it all this correctly.
Shoot me if I got it wrong but Robyn, you need to drop the damn phone and the Instant Messaging and find yourself a guy you can touch and feel and do fun stuff with. You are wasting your time with this guy. He's never going to want to have anything with you. You're a pastime to him. He only calls you when he's bored and horny. What else do you need to convince yourself you need to move on?
You never met this guy. Stop with the dumb fantasies! For all you know he showers once a week and changes his underwear every other week. He's stinky and skunky and you have no idea if what I just said is true or false. You're not in love with this guy; you're just afraid to face the real world. Holding on to this fantasy helps you do that. Yes, you deserve more than something; you deserve the best! And you can get it.
So you got hurt. Who hasn't? You try again, and again, because each time it happens you handle the hurt better. And yeah, you probably will get hurt again. But only by taking that chance can you finding someone that will help you be happy.
VictorM's advice: If I understand you correctly, you're talking about one guy. You never met him but he wants you just for sex. So, we're talking about phone sex and cybersex. I had to edit your question quite a bit as it was quite confusing. I hope I got it all this correctly.
Shoot me if I got it wrong but Robyn, you need to drop the damn phone and the Instant Messaging and find yourself a guy you can touch and feel and do fun stuff with. You are wasting your time with this guy. He's never going to want to have anything with you. You're a pastime to him. He only calls you when he's bored and horny. What else do you need to convince yourself you need to move on?
You never met this guy. Stop with the dumb fantasies! For all you know he showers once a week and changes his underwear every other week. He's stinky and skunky and you have no idea if what I just said is true or false. You're not in love with this guy; you're just afraid to face the real world. Holding on to this fantasy helps you do that. Yes, you deserve more than something; you deserve the best! And you can get it.
So you got hurt. Who hasn't? You try again, and again, because each time it happens you handle the hurt better. And yeah, you probably will get hurt again. But only by taking that chance can you finding someone that will help you be happy.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Boyfriend and silent treatment
Chanelle, 20, from London asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 and half years and he has recently given me the silent treatment. I'm trying to remember if it's something I've said or done but I can't think of anything. I travel back and forth from university to be with him on the weekends as he works Monday - Saturday but I feel like I'm making all the effort with him and he does not care for me.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds to me like you think you're the center of the universe and everything revolves around you. Have you considered that maybe he has other issues in his life. Job problems? School issues? Health concerns? Personal problems? Depression? Just a phase? Could be so many things wrong but are you concerned for him? Doesn't sound like it! You come across as the only one that matters. Maybe the silence is because he's not sure about you two anymore. If that's the case, I wonder why!
He's been your boyfriend for a long time. Give him the benefit of the doubt and try to find out how you can help him rather than dump on him even more. That's what love is all about -- making an effort and extending yourself for another. The traveling you do back and forth is just commuting -- that's not love.
I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 and half years and he has recently given me the silent treatment. I'm trying to remember if it's something I've said or done but I can't think of anything. I travel back and forth from university to be with him on the weekends as he works Monday - Saturday but I feel like I'm making all the effort with him and he does not care for me.
VictorM's advice:
Sounds to me like you think you're the center of the universe and everything revolves around you. Have you considered that maybe he has other issues in his life. Job problems? School issues? Health concerns? Personal problems? Depression? Just a phase? Could be so many things wrong but are you concerned for him? Doesn't sound like it! You come across as the only one that matters. Maybe the silence is because he's not sure about you two anymore. If that's the case, I wonder why!
He's been your boyfriend for a long time. Give him the benefit of the doubt and try to find out how you can help him rather than dump on him even more. That's what love is all about -- making an effort and extending yourself for another. The traveling you do back and forth is just commuting -- that's not love.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Why are guys so horny?
ERICA, 18 from ALABAMA asks: Why do ya'll stay so horny?
VictorM's answer: The most common explanation I hear is that we are wired that way to ensure the continuation of the species. Well, that could very well be true, but it's a boring answer.
Guys are horny because it feels good and requires virtually no effort; it just... um... pops up by itself. Unlike most girls, most guys do not require emotional involvement -- heck, many don't even have to like the girl. But you girls are the biggest culprits. If so many of you didn't look so fine, smell so good, taste so scrumptous, feel so smooth and silky, and wore all those huggy and sexy outfits I'm sure the horny factor would goflaccid... down... er...decrease. If that's not enought, there's this: no taxes on hard-ons!
But it's not as much fun as you might think. I know this guy who when he was about 15 years old remembers getting an erection in class while reading just because the letter "P" reminded him of a girl with large breasts. Well... the letter "q" can be quite sexy too. Or "B" as an arial view. Let's not even talk about two "o"s together. See? It's hard being a guy -- take pity.
VictorM's answer: The most common explanation I hear is that we are wired that way to ensure the continuation of the species. Well, that could very well be true, but it's a boring answer.
Guys are horny because it feels good and requires virtually no effort; it just... um... pops up by itself. Unlike most girls, most guys do not require emotional involvement -- heck, many don't even have to like the girl. But you girls are the biggest culprits. If so many of you didn't look so fine, smell so good, taste so scrumptous, feel so smooth and silky, and wore all those huggy and sexy outfits I'm sure the horny factor would go
But it's not as much fun as you might think. I know this guy who when he was about 15 years old remembers getting an erection in class while reading just because the letter "P" reminded him of a girl with large breasts. Well... the letter "q" can be quite sexy too. Or "B" as an arial view. Let's not even talk about two "o"s together. See? It's hard being a guy -- take pity.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
How can you tell if a guy likes you like THAT?
Phoebe, 21, from New York asks: There's this guy at school that I've liked for a while now, I've had a few classes with him and we hang out here and there, like just around school and stuff, and talk on the phone sometimes. Just friend stuff. I guess my question is the most common one asked: how can you tell if a guy likes you like THAT or if he just wants to be friends?
VictorM's advice: Ah! The eternal question. How can you tell indeed. Does he love me, does he love me not? Without that question life would be so bland, wouldn't it?
Physical interest (kissing, hugging, even sex) is no way to tell -- guys don't need emotional attachment to enjoy physical rewards. Words and actions are hard to tell because people can be very affectionate without having romantic feelings. So... you're left with your instinct. What do you think?
Does he love you, does he love you not? If it's any consolation, he's probably wondering the same thing: does she love me, does she love me not? And so, in fear of rejection or not wanting to ruin the friendship, neither one of you says a word. But believe it or not, this is a great time for you both. You're enjoying each other without pressure, growing a friendship that, if it turns into more, establishes a great foundation. The worst you can do now is rush it.
Fate, destiny, karma, what shall be shall be... Ah, the wonders of wonderment. You're a lucky girl. I wouldn't want to spoil it for you by telling you what he's thinking.
OK, enough of the bullshit. The truth is I have no idea, really!
VictorM's advice: Ah! The eternal question. How can you tell indeed. Does he love me, does he love me not? Without that question life would be so bland, wouldn't it?
Physical interest (kissing, hugging, even sex) is no way to tell -- guys don't need emotional attachment to enjoy physical rewards. Words and actions are hard to tell because people can be very affectionate without having romantic feelings. So... you're left with your instinct. What do you think?
Does he love you, does he love you not? If it's any consolation, he's probably wondering the same thing: does she love me, does she love me not? And so, in fear of rejection or not wanting to ruin the friendship, neither one of you says a word. But believe it or not, this is a great time for you both. You're enjoying each other without pressure, growing a friendship that, if it turns into more, establishes a great foundation. The worst you can do now is rush it.
Fate, destiny, karma, what shall be shall be... Ah, the wonders of wonderment. You're a lucky girl. I wouldn't want to spoil it for you by telling you what he's thinking.
OK, enough of the bullshit. The truth is I have no idea, really!
Does he like me or just using me?
tabitha, 14, from jax, fl asks: There's this boy (he's like my best guy friend) and we made out and we ain't going out and we made out twice. What does that mean? Does he like me or just using me?
VictorM's advice: The "is he using me" question is my pet peeve. I assume you made out with him of your own free will. How is that using you? It's not!
Does he like you just because he made out with you? Not necessarily! Guys will make out with a flat tire if the timing is right. He's a horny teen boy, you're willing, it's a done deal for a guy. Now, I'm not saying that he doesn't like you -- he very well may -- but making out with you, by itself, doesn't mean he likes you; just means he likes making out with you. But that's nothing to be proud of -- remember the flat tire.
VictorM's advice: The "is he using me" question is my pet peeve. I assume you made out with him of your own free will. How is that using you? It's not!
Does he like you just because he made out with you? Not necessarily! Guys will make out with a flat tire if the timing is right. He's a horny teen boy, you're willing, it's a done deal for a guy. Now, I'm not saying that he doesn't like you -- he very well may -- but making out with you, by itself, doesn't mean he likes you; just means he likes making out with you. But that's nothing to be proud of -- remember the flat tire.
Friday, March 10, 2006
I was dancing, having fun
Jeszie, 17, from North Carolina asks: I went to a party and I was dancing, having fun. Once the party was about to end my boyfriend got mad and went to fight the guys I was dancing with but on top of that he pushed me and put his hands on me and embarrassed me in front of a room full of people. I want to know why he made a big deal about it and what should I do?
VictorM's advice: Your boyfriend is an immature twit.
Let's see, he showed he's insecure, jealous, and has very little respect for you. If he was sober it's clear this boy has a lot of growing up to do. If he was drinking it's even worse because what you saw was his true personality.
What to do? Well, it depends. What kind of boyfriend has he been? Has he shown any remorse about what he did?
Maybe this was just a bad night for him, but no matter what, don't overlook the signs that this guy could be a jerk.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
VictorM's advice: Your boyfriend is an immature twit.
Let's see, he showed he's insecure, jealous, and has very little respect for you. If he was sober it's clear this boy has a lot of growing up to do. If he was drinking it's even worse because what you saw was his true personality.
What to do? Well, it depends. What kind of boyfriend has he been? Has he shown any remorse about what he did?
Maybe this was just a bad night for him, but no matter what, don't overlook the signs that this guy could be a jerk.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Should I just call him
nora, 18, from US asks: I asked a question before, telling you about a guy who bought something from me and that I like him and wanted to ask him out. You told me that if I see him again on campus that I should ask him for coffee. However, I didn't see him for a while, so I decided to just add him on MSN, and the thing is that he's rarely on, and when he does come on, he leaves (literally) after 1 minute, before I'm able to start a convo. Anyway, it's been a month and a half since the last time I saw him, and I don't know what to do! I think it would be sooo awkward if I call. Should I just call him when I know that he's on campus and that he has a break, and what do I say? I'm worried that he doesn't even remember me, what I look like/etc... This is really frustrating me! Help?
VictorM's advice: Oh yes, I remember well. Nora, Nora, Nora... you still didn't call this guy?! The longer it takes, the harder it gets.
Look, I can just about guarantee you that this guy will be thrilled if you call him and explain who you are and that he left such a good impression on you that you'd like to meet him for a bite or something. He'll be floating on air. Now, he may have a girlfriend, he may be gay, he may not be interested in you, but I bet he'll treat you nicely anyway. And what's the worst that can happen? That for whatever reason he won't want to hook up with you? But that's where you are now anyway, except you're still hung-up on the guy. You owe it to yourself to get this over with. Either way it goes, you'll be better off than now.
Call him. "Hello, I'm Nora, the girl you bought a book (I think) from a few weeks ago. Well, I'm calling because you left such a good impression on me and I was wondering if you'd like to meet fora night of wild sex ice cream." That's it! Don't say a word until he says something.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes. $10 says you're going out with this guy.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
VictorM's advice: Oh yes, I remember well. Nora, Nora, Nora... you still didn't call this guy?! The longer it takes, the harder it gets.
Look, I can just about guarantee you that this guy will be thrilled if you call him and explain who you are and that he left such a good impression on you that you'd like to meet him for a bite or something. He'll be floating on air. Now, he may have a girlfriend, he may be gay, he may not be interested in you, but I bet he'll treat you nicely anyway. And what's the worst that can happen? That for whatever reason he won't want to hook up with you? But that's where you are now anyway, except you're still hung-up on the guy. You owe it to yourself to get this over with. Either way it goes, you'll be better off than now.
Call him. "Hello, I'm Nora, the girl you bought a book (I think) from a few weeks ago. Well, I'm calling because you left such a good impression on me and I was wondering if you'd like to meet for
Good luck! Let us know how it goes. $10 says you're going out with this guy.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
He is divorced and has three kids from his ex
Fatima, 26, from Cape Town, RSA asks: Met this guy that I really like. He is divorced and has three kids from his ex. He runs his own business and hardly has time for himself. Should I just say good bye to him now or give it a try?! Please respond a.s.a.p. I really need advice.
VictorM's advice: You really don't give me much to work with. If he's a wonderful guy and you two get along well I don't see why you shouldn't give it a try. Find out more about him and see how it goes. Just because he was married before and had three kids is not reason enough to stay away.
You may find out that his work load conflicts with your happiness but you'll never know until you try. Who knows, if he has a woman in his life whom he loves, he may find the time for both work and pleasure. But don't be too naive. Men who put work ahead of family are hardly bundles of joy.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
VictorM's advice: You really don't give me much to work with. If he's a wonderful guy and you two get along well I don't see why you shouldn't give it a try. Find out more about him and see how it goes. Just because he was married before and had three kids is not reason enough to stay away.
You may find out that his work load conflicts with your happiness but you'll never know until you try. Who knows, if he has a woman in his life whom he loves, he may find the time for both work and pleasure. But don't be too naive. Men who put work ahead of family are hardly bundles of joy.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
My ex seems to have severe pride issues
melissa, 18, from california asks: My ex (of three years) seems to have severe pride issues (yes I was the one who broke it off). We have a fairly close group of mutual friends and often DO have to see each other (I'm fine with the thought of it, he - on the other hand - always finds ways of leaving, not showing up at all [even to our friend's bon voyage before he was shipped out to Iraq!!], or sitting in the corner and ignoring everyone. It really hasn't been that long since we broke up (nearly a year) so I'm assuming that he might still be hurting. He is with someone (who all his friends are calling severe rebound) who has basically pulled him out of school, asked him to quit his job, and asked if she could move in with him [at his parents house I might add]. I've tried to talk to him, make him feel better, take away the awkwardness that he feels, but nothing seems to work. Advice for how to help him feel better? Not make him so distant? Not make him forget about his friends?
VictorM's advice: Yeah, I have advice for how to make him feel better: leave him the hell alone!
Don't you see, the last thing he wants from you is having you come across as a miss goodie-two-shoes who knows more than him, who can tell him what to do, who cares so much about him but yet dumped his ass. Can you understand why you have no credibility with him and how your attempt at helping just doesn't help him at all?
You mean well, but you're making things worse. If you really wanna help him do this: gain 100 pounds, dress like a slob, and beg him to take you back. No can do? Right! How about you stop hanging around him and find yourself a new circle of friends? That would make his life a whole lot better. (I'm not suggesting you do that either, just illustrating how it would help him.)
Melissa, you dumped his ass. You can't help him now. Leave him alone. He'll find his way without you.
Tags: advice, friend, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: Yeah, I have advice for how to make him feel better: leave him the hell alone!
Don't you see, the last thing he wants from you is having you come across as a miss goodie-two-shoes who knows more than him, who can tell him what to do, who cares so much about him but yet dumped his ass. Can you understand why you have no credibility with him and how your attempt at helping just doesn't help him at all?
You mean well, but you're making things worse. If you really wanna help him do this: gain 100 pounds, dress like a slob, and beg him to take you back. No can do? Right! How about you stop hanging around him and find yourself a new circle of friends? That would make his life a whole lot better. (I'm not suggesting you do that either, just illustrating how it would help him.)
Melissa, you dumped his ass. You can't help him now. Leave him alone. He'll find his way without you.
Tags: advice, friend, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
He'll yell out that he loves me in crowded places
brittany, 15, from california asks: This guy in my class flirts with me all the time and he turns red when he talks to me (which is constantly). He'll yell out that he loves me in crowded places and in private and ask if I love him back. I say no cuz I don't know if it's a joke or for real. Does he really like me? How can I tell?
VictorM's answer: How can you tell? Girl, how much more clear can the poor boy make it that he likes you? Yeah, he likes you. Next time he tells you he loves you, grab him by the neck and give him a long passionate kiss in front of everyone. Let's just see how red he can really turn.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
VictorM's answer: How can you tell? Girl, how much more clear can the poor boy make it that he likes you? Yeah, he likes you. Next time he tells you he loves you, grab him by the neck and give him a long passionate kiss in front of everyone. Let's just see how red he can really turn.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer
I never feel like I can talk to him
Amber, 18, from Wethersfield asks: My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship because he's in college so it has it's issues. So basically, I've been dealing with a lot of problems because my mother is an alcoholic and throughout my life I've never had anyone to talk to about it. I tell my boyfriend what's wrong and he has virtually either nothing to say, will compete against me with his problems, change the subject or say something stupid. It's upsetting because I never feel like I can talk to him and I don't even bother usually. When I got really depressed today though, he asked me why I was upset and I told him what was wrong and all he did was give me the kiss smiley face on instant messager. I went into detail that I wish he'd help me more by giving me advice and calling me instead of talking on AIM. He said that every time he helps he screws up and makes the situation worse. He also said he was busy studying even though he's on AIM. We've conversed about this issue before and he doesn't seem to get it. Yet whenever he's upset about something, I'm there for him 100%. I try so hard to make him feel better and I think that since he's suffered from depression, he'd understand what it's like. I feel very unappreciated but I don't want to break up because this is the only issue that we have in our relationship, (at least the only BIG issue). Yet I explain it and he stops talking to me in general after everything.
VictorM's advice: Do NOT breakup with this boy over this. Most men out there are just like him. It's not that he doesn't care; he just doesn't have the listening skills required to show empathy. Unlike girls, we don't sit around talking and talking and talking. When we have a problem we grab a screw driver or duct tape and presto! It's fixed. It's a male thing and you aren't going to change millions of years of evolution just by wishing it.
Women are wired totally different and of course, because of that, you have a hard time understanding him. But his little smiley face or stating his own problems are really sincere attempts at being understanding. He cares, he just doesn't know how to show it.
So how to deal with this? Well, if you feel a lump on your breast, do you go to your boyfriend or to a doctor for help? If you want to know how to die your hair do you call your boyfriend or a girlfriend who knows about that stuff? If your toilet backs up, do you call your boyfriend or a plumber? What I'm getting at is that you're reaching to the wrong person for this particular problem. Don't rely on your boyfriend to have a skill that he simply does not have. Find a friend who has the listening skill and talk to her about these issues. This way, the time you spend with your boyfriend can be more enjoyable for both of you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, it would be nice to rely on your boyfriend for support, but you're bucking reality when you wish for him to support you in a way he doesn't know how to. He has many other good qualities. Focus on those and stop wishing for a miracle.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: Do NOT breakup with this boy over this. Most men out there are just like him. It's not that he doesn't care; he just doesn't have the listening skills required to show empathy. Unlike girls, we don't sit around talking and talking and talking. When we have a problem we grab a screw driver or duct tape and presto! It's fixed. It's a male thing and you aren't going to change millions of years of evolution just by wishing it.
Women are wired totally different and of course, because of that, you have a hard time understanding him. But his little smiley face or stating his own problems are really sincere attempts at being understanding. He cares, he just doesn't know how to show it.
So how to deal with this? Well, if you feel a lump on your breast, do you go to your boyfriend or to a doctor for help? If you want to know how to die your hair do you call your boyfriend or a girlfriend who knows about that stuff? If your toilet backs up, do you call your boyfriend or a plumber? What I'm getting at is that you're reaching to the wrong person for this particular problem. Don't rely on your boyfriend to have a skill that he simply does not have. Find a friend who has the listening skill and talk to her about these issues. This way, the time you spend with your boyfriend can be more enjoyable for both of you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, it would be nice to rely on your boyfriend for support, but you're bucking reality when you wish for him to support you in a way he doesn't know how to. He has many other good qualities. Focus on those and stop wishing for a miracle.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, March 06, 2006
I told this guy I like him and he smiled
erin, 17, asks: I told this guy I like him and he smiled and since then we haven't talked. When we see each other in the hallway he looks at me till he passes me. My friend asked him if he wanted to call me he said yes. She told me that it sounds like he does like me but is worried about what his friends will think. My friend says she bets he'll end up asking me out regardless what his friends think and that he's really shy. It took him about one and a half to two weeks to ask her out because he's so shy. Can you help me?
VictorM's advice: I'm not sure what kind of help you're looking for from me. He may or may not ask you and there's nothing I can do about it.
See, you already told him you liked him, so he doesn't feel the urgency to do anything about it. Girls think that by telling a guy they like him that will help him make a move, but too often that's wrong; many times it just makes him relax and lose interest.
Guys, especially teen guys, love to brag. If you listen to guys brag, they seldom brag about WHAT they have; they brag about HOW they got it. It's not the car, it's how much work he put into it. It's not the medals, it's how he won them. It's not how many girls he slept with, it's how he seduced them. What bragging is there about a girl who came to him?
Since you let the cat out of the bag that you like him, I suggest one of two options: One, be the aggressor and ask him out; or make yourself distant and not interested -- to revive the bragging rights -- and with it, his interest in you. Might work.
Tags: advice, dating, bragging, question, answer, asking
VictorM's advice: I'm not sure what kind of help you're looking for from me. He may or may not ask you and there's nothing I can do about it.
See, you already told him you liked him, so he doesn't feel the urgency to do anything about it. Girls think that by telling a guy they like him that will help him make a move, but too often that's wrong; many times it just makes him relax and lose interest.
Guys, especially teen guys, love to brag. If you listen to guys brag, they seldom brag about WHAT they have; they brag about HOW they got it. It's not the car, it's how much work he put into it. It's not the medals, it's how he won them. It's not how many girls he slept with, it's how he seduced them. What bragging is there about a girl who came to him?
Since you let the cat out of the bag that you like him, I suggest one of two options: One, be the aggressor and ask him out; or make yourself distant and not interested -- to revive the bragging rights -- and with it, his interest in you. Might work.
Tags: advice, dating, bragging, question, answer, asking
Is it possible to lose interest in someone so suddenly?
Nicole, 26, from India asks: There is this guy from work that I had noticed and we got formaly introduced by common friends on New Year's Eve. We instantly hit it off... we would spend hours on the phone talking and spent time at work too on our breaks. We even went out once for a movie. I always got the feeling he was interested in being more than friends, but after a month things changed suddenly. He stopped calling and he got really busy at work and we did not meet much. This carried on for a month and I finally asked him if there was any problem and he just said that he is going through some personal problems, which I know he is, however these problems started just about two weeks ago. He did mention that at times he gets detatched from people be it family or friends and that has this constant fear that he might get too drawn to someone that he can't withdraw later and in the process end up hurting himself. Even though at times I get the feeling he is avoiding me, when I am with him, I can feel that he is interested. At times whenever there is eye contact, I have noticed him holding my glance a little longer than normal. If what I've read of body language is correct then that is clear sign he is interested. Do you agree with that? Now my question is, is it possible for someone to lose interest in someone so suddenly? I know he is the kind not to lie and is always honest about how he feels, do you think the change in behaviour is because he has decided he doesn't want to get into a relationship now? Should I stay away or should I take initiative even if he doesn't want to get things to way they were before? Please Help.. I really like this guy a lot.
VictorM's advice: I agree that the signs are that he likes you, but the signs also say he's not sure he likes you enough. I think you are working too hard to overlook the obvious: he's not that much into you, at least not yet. That explains him not wanting to get involved.
Can someone lose interest so quickly? Yes! Guys can lose interest in a flicker. Takes a very small thing to create doubt.
You are wrong about him not being the type to lie. Everyone is the type to lie, particularly if a lie would hurt someone else's feelings. He would not tell you the truth if there was something about you that turned him off. But I'm not suggesting he's turned off; just that he's not turned on enough.
You should be nice and friendly when you see him but generally you should stay away from him. Give him time to find out if he really misses you or if his life is fine without you. Either way it goes, you win: either he'll miss you and want to be around you, or he won't miss you and you'll know in plenty of time to move on.
Tags: advice, dating, commitment, question, answer, relationship, lie, interest
VictorM's advice: I agree that the signs are that he likes you, but the signs also say he's not sure he likes you enough. I think you are working too hard to overlook the obvious: he's not that much into you, at least not yet. That explains him not wanting to get involved.
Can someone lose interest so quickly? Yes! Guys can lose interest in a flicker. Takes a very small thing to create doubt.
You are wrong about him not being the type to lie. Everyone is the type to lie, particularly if a lie would hurt someone else's feelings. He would not tell you the truth if there was something about you that turned him off. But I'm not suggesting he's turned off; just that he's not turned on enough.
You should be nice and friendly when you see him but generally you should stay away from him. Give him time to find out if he really misses you or if his life is fine without you. Either way it goes, you win: either he'll miss you and want to be around you, or he won't miss you and you'll know in plenty of time to move on.
Tags: advice, dating, commitment, question, answer, relationship, lie, interest
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Boyfriend 5 years older
YARI, 14, from: PUERTO RICO asks: What do you do when your boyfriend is 5 years older then you and your mother doesn't let you be with him? No matter how cute, nice, friendly, caring person he is?
VictorM's advice: You obey your mom. And if he's all that you say he is, he'd say the same thing to you.
VictorM's advice: You obey your mom. And if he's all that you say he is, he'd say the same thing to you.
Should I tell him I like him
Ashley, 11, from reidsville, NC asks: I like a guy at school. He used to like me. I don't know if he still does or not. Should I tell him I like him?
VictorM's advice: Tell him only if his name is Mickey Mouse. Otherwise, mum's the word.
(By the way, I've been to Reidsville, NC. I worked there for 2 days. Has nothing to do with your question but I felt like sharing.)
VictorM's advice: Tell him only if his name is Mickey Mouse. Otherwise, mum's the word.
(By the way, I've been to Reidsville, NC. I worked there for 2 days. Has nothing to do with your question but I felt like sharing.)
How can I tell if he likes me for me
Erika, 17, from IN asks: How can I tell if a guy really likes me for me?
VictorM's advice: Withhold sex from him and tell your mom to stop wearing those sexy hot-pants around the house. Then see if he still comes around. If he does, he MIGHT like you for you but you'll never know for sure.
VictorM's advice: Withhold sex from him and tell your mom to stop wearing those sexy hot-pants around the house. Then see if he still comes around. If he does, he MIGHT like you for you but you'll never know for sure.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Mates for over 4 years
samantha, 18 from australia asks: There is this boy I've been mates with for over 4 years... but recently we've been flirting with each over on the net. The problem is he lives far away however is coming over here to study, which is good. The other day he sent me some photos of scenery of his home country, when I asked him why he said because I really like that country he thought I'd like some photos. He's always mean to me calling me horrific names like bitch etc (even worse) however he's always joking as I can tell from the tone of his voice. He says whenever he's going to come here we're going to spend loads of time together. The bad thing is we can't talk on the phone, we've only done once. And he's always asking me for pictures of me so he can see. The other day when I asked him what kind of clothes do you wear, he replies “nude, nothing, only a coconut shell in front! :P” I have a feeling he likes me, my mates says so too. But I don't want to ask him and scare him off as he's shy then our friendship will be broken. What do you think I should do? And do you think he likes me?
VictorM's advice: I think you should wait till he moves closer to you and see how it goes. But flirting and being fresh online are hardly the kind of signs that a guy likes you. You really can't tell over the internet. He could be acting this way with many other girls at the same time.
When he's there I bet you'll have a better idea when he calls you "bitch" to your face. I'm sure love and affection will be oozing out all around you.
VictorM's advice: I think you should wait till he moves closer to you and see how it goes. But flirting and being fresh online are hardly the kind of signs that a guy likes you. You really can't tell over the internet. He could be acting this way with many other girls at the same time.
When he's there I bet you'll have a better idea when he calls you "bitch" to your face. I'm sure love and affection will be oozing out all around you.
We chatted for like 5 hours in a bar
Lena, 24, from Hong Kong asks: I met this guy and we chatted for like 5 hours in a bar. And then he texted me everyday for about 2 weeks. During these 2 weeks, we also met for 1 date (had wine) and then met up in the bar with our friends (during this time, we talked exclusively with each other and no one else). And I thought it went rather well and we had a great time.But after that, it just seemed like he pulled away a little. He stopped texting everyday (partly also because he went away on holiday, which he told me about). He texted me before he went away. So anyways I think maybe he wasn't that keen for a variety of reasons. However I would like to find out what is something I said or did, that made him pulled away. This is for self improvement mainly. I am not really angry at him for doing this because I respect his choices. But I would like to know how to do things better the next time I meet another guy. So I was wondering how could I broach this topic with him if at all. Of course, in a joking way but maybe guys wouldn't really tell the truth? So can I test it?? hmmm
VictorM's advice: Lena, Lena, Lena... no, don't ask him anything. First, he's not going to tell you the truth even if he was turned off by something; he's not going to hurt your feelings. Second, there could be a ton of reasons, none of it having to do with you, why he parted ways. Third, you can't let ONE guy be the model for all other guys and the judge of how you conduct yourself.
The next guy you meet will like/dislike things about you totally differently than this guy. You can't mold yourself in anticipation of what a particular guy may be looking for. Chemistry and attraction between two people, or lack of it, doesn't denote greatness or shortcomings about each other -- just two people who feed each others need for completeness.
That's not to say some people don't lack social graces that turn off a large number of people, but he talked to you for 5 hours at a bar, and met you and your friends after that. Clearly you are a charming person.
Just dismiss this as one of many cases where people try each other out and one of them feels, for whatever reason, that the other isn't quite "it" and they move on. So he moved on.
Time for you to move on to the next guy too and just be your charming self.
VictorM's advice: Lena, Lena, Lena... no, don't ask him anything. First, he's not going to tell you the truth even if he was turned off by something; he's not going to hurt your feelings. Second, there could be a ton of reasons, none of it having to do with you, why he parted ways. Third, you can't let ONE guy be the model for all other guys and the judge of how you conduct yourself.
The next guy you meet will like/dislike things about you totally differently than this guy. You can't mold yourself in anticipation of what a particular guy may be looking for. Chemistry and attraction between two people, or lack of it, doesn't denote greatness or shortcomings about each other -- just two people who feed each others need for completeness.
That's not to say some people don't lack social graces that turn off a large number of people, but he talked to you for 5 hours at a bar, and met you and your friends after that. Clearly you are a charming person.
Just dismiss this as one of many cases where people try each other out and one of them feels, for whatever reason, that the other isn't quite "it" and they move on. So he moved on.
Time for you to move on to the next guy too and just be your charming self.
Friday, March 03, 2006
We're not keeping "dirty little secrets" anymore
AO, 18, from Thousand Oaks asks: My [guy] best friend and I pursued a relationship a few months ago while we were both involved with other people [long story short we were both too shy to tell each other how we felt in the first place so we ended up with other people]. We stopped once we realized that pursuing our relationship would cause too much chaos amongst our group friends [yes it's a whole bunch of us who are all friends and dating - picture One Tree Hill, Dawson's Creek, anything of the sort]. We both moved on and have remained best friends [never was a problem with that]. Bit by bit though our relationship started coming out into the open [post-ending it] and a lot of our friends have a hard time believing that it ended (especially since we do spend a lot of time together alone). Advice to help our friends see that we're not keeping "dirty little secrets" anymore?
VictorM's advice: Why should I help you? It's so much more fun to tease them and keeping them guessing.
Besides, you know you won't be able to stay just friends for too long. And how do I know? Because of this: "Bit by bit though our relationship started coming out". Who started letting out the bits? You and him, of course. One of you, or both of you, wanted the story out in the open.
Your friends are not stupid, so don't even try. But bottom line, it's only their business if you make it so. Accept some ribbing for a while and they'll get tired of it. (But come on! You and him are doing the deed again any day, and you know it.)
VictorM's advice: Why should I help you? It's so much more fun to tease them and keeping them guessing.
Besides, you know you won't be able to stay just friends for too long. And how do I know? Because of this: "Bit by bit though our relationship started coming out". Who started letting out the bits? You and him, of course. One of you, or both of you, wanted the story out in the open.
Your friends are not stupid, so don't even try. But bottom line, it's only their business if you make it so. Accept some ribbing for a while and they'll get tired of it. (But come on! You and him are doing the deed again any day, and you know it.)
Thursday, March 02, 2006
I'm his first relationship
kc, 18, from LA, CA asks: This guy and I have been friends for sometime pre-relationship. I'm his first relationship while I've already been in 2 long-term relationships. At least once a week he asks what love consists of or when it happens or how would he know if it's there. He says quite often that he's pretty sure he feels it but is still hesitant to say it. Advice for what I should tell him? Is he waiting for me to say it first since I'm the "experienced" one? BTW, I'm not necessarily "in love" with him just yet, but I am pretty sure that I do love the person he is.
VictorM's advice: Smack him upside the head and tell him to get a grip of himself. He's worrying about definitions and crap that doesn't matter in the least. Tell him to speak his mind and talk about his feelings. He -- not anyone else -- decides what being in love is. For example: I saw a picture if Anna Nicole Smith in a black dress heading to the Supreme Court and for a moment I was in love. But it's OK, I'm over it now.
But anyway, tell the boy that saying he loves anything or anyone is not life threatening and that he can always take it back. Saying the words to express honest feelings is very liberating.
But for a good clue on the signs of love, here's my method: you could be in love with someone until you notice a gesture or a saying that gets under your skin and you want to set that person on fire every time he/she does it/says it.
VictorM's advice: Smack him upside the head and tell him to get a grip of himself. He's worrying about definitions and crap that doesn't matter in the least. Tell him to speak his mind and talk about his feelings. He -- not anyone else -- decides what being in love is. For example: I saw a picture if Anna Nicole Smith in a black dress heading to the Supreme Court and for a moment I was in love. But it's OK, I'm over it now.
But anyway, tell the boy that saying he loves anything or anyone is not life threatening and that he can always take it back. Saying the words to express honest feelings is very liberating.
But for a good clue on the signs of love, here's my method: you could be in love with someone until you notice a gesture or a saying that gets under your skin and you want to set that person on fire every time he/she does it/says it.
My bestfriend turned boyfriend
Amanda, 21, from milwaukee, WI asks: My best friend turned boyfriend of many years and I are on the shaky ground. He's done somethings in the past that has me insecure about things. I don't want him to feel tied down but judging by his past attempts to cheat, should I be worried? We live in two different states.
VictorM's advice: Will he cheat on you? Who knows and who cares? You don't trust him and that seals the deal as far as I'm concerned. Living in two different states isn't a great idea but is not the worst part; living in a constant state of suspicion is the problem. Don't do it.
VictorM's advice: Will he cheat on you? Who knows and who cares? You don't trust him and that seals the deal as far as I'm concerned. Living in two different states isn't a great idea but is not the worst part; living in a constant state of suspicion is the problem. Don't do it.
He tells me he doesn't think he will be faithful
stacie, 40, from: iowa des moines asks: I have dated him for 3 years. Lived together for a year in half, he bought a house and I lived there with my 3 daughters. He has asked me to marry him after he was caught talking to a younger girl and was setting up a night to go have sex with her and ended up he didn't so he came clean told me the truth and asked me to marry him and I didn't answer first time. He asked again Valentines day. Yesterday -- and has come up before -- he tells me he doesn't think he will be faithful. He has to have variety. He wants to have us do it together, me and another girl. He never used to be this way in the beginning. It's gotten worse as his ego has gotten bigger so I am hurt but I have done a 3-some with him. Didn't work out well and it was not great but he hides things. he is sneaky now and he is always thinking with his dick sorry. He says he wants the ultimate women, he loves just me it's just sex with others. They mean nothing. I do love him very much but I am not sure this is a good thing or is it something people face all the time? What is your opinion? Do I marry him in Aug or get out? He doesn't really love me.
VictorM's advice: I swear I was reading your question knowing that the "I love him" line would be coming. Sure enough, there it was. You're not in love -- you're addicted. There's a huge difference.
Look, I actually wrote several versions of an answer to you, but erased them each time.
I'll leave you with this: How old are your 3 daughters and how long do you think it'll be before he wants to have sex with them too? Are you OK with that? Will you join in if he asks? Because it could come to that with a man of this caliber.
VictorM's advice: I swear I was reading your question knowing that the "I love him" line would be coming. Sure enough, there it was. You're not in love -- you're addicted. There's a huge difference.
Look, I actually wrote several versions of an answer to you, but erased them each time.
I'll leave you with this: How old are your 3 daughters and how long do you think it'll be before he wants to have sex with them too? Are you OK with that? Will you join in if he asks? Because it could come to that with a man of this caliber.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
I like him but I'm not sure if he likes me
shan, 15, australia asks: I really like this guy at school but I'm not sure if he likes me. My friend asked him out for me but he said he doesn't know. I think he doesn't think that I really want to go out with him and I'm just playing a trick on him, but I'm not. What should I do now?
VictorM's advice: The first thing you should do is stop having your friends talk for you. Secondly, be nice to him and smile. Then wait.
Why would he think you're playing a trick on him? Maybe he is thinking it, but what's more likely is now that he knows you like him, you're not a challenge.
Always keep the boys guessing. Always. It works in your favor.
VictorM's advice: The first thing you should do is stop having your friends talk for you. Secondly, be nice to him and smile. Then wait.
Why would he think you're playing a trick on him? Maybe he is thinking it, but what's more likely is now that he knows you like him, you're not a challenge.
Always keep the boys guessing. Always. It works in your favor.
We only get to see each other on the weekends
Jenny, 23, from Chicago asks: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years, broke up twice within those 2 years, and I travel for work. We only get to see each other on the weekends and it's great when we are together, but we have nothing to talk about when I am gone. He just got laid off and lives at home with his parents. So, every time I talk to him he is hanging out with his friends or his brothers. I tried telling him that I felt sad that we don't talk that much anymore and he freaked out. I don't know if I should let this blow over or if this is something serious.
VictorM's advice: When a man loses his job it's a huge blow to his ego (not to mention his finances). When he feels at his worst, you come to him with this petty complaint that you two don't talk anymore. Like, really, who gives a crap about that when he can't find a job? (That's not me talking, that's his thinking).
Having nothing to talk about over the phone is not unusual, specially when he has bigger worries on his mind. And don't be mislead by him hanging out with friends and brothers. It's not the party it may seem to be; it's just a guy pretending to be tougher than he probably is. And I bet his pals and brothers don't "want to talk".
So, on one hand, the loss of job and not wanting to talk on the phone is quite understandable and not a big deal. But... on the other hand, you broke up twice. This is such a bad omen. If you two can't work out your differences without going to extremes, you are in for a sorry ride in life. That he can't talk to you about his problems is par for the course for a guy who is not mature enough to handle his life, much less a serious relationship.
Yeah, things can be great at times, but what about the other times? Unless you like living in a roller-coaster, it may be time to look for another type of ride.
VictorM's advice: When a man loses his job it's a huge blow to his ego (not to mention his finances). When he feels at his worst, you come to him with this petty complaint that you two don't talk anymore. Like, really, who gives a crap about that when he can't find a job? (That's not me talking, that's his thinking).
Having nothing to talk about over the phone is not unusual, specially when he has bigger worries on his mind. And don't be mislead by him hanging out with friends and brothers. It's not the party it may seem to be; it's just a guy pretending to be tougher than he probably is. And I bet his pals and brothers don't "want to talk".
So, on one hand, the loss of job and not wanting to talk on the phone is quite understandable and not a big deal. But... on the other hand, you broke up twice. This is such a bad omen. If you two can't work out your differences without going to extremes, you are in for a sorry ride in life. That he can't talk to you about his problems is par for the course for a guy who is not mature enough to handle his life, much less a serious relationship.
Yeah, things can be great at times, but what about the other times? Unless you like living in a roller-coaster, it may be time to look for another type of ride.
The situation is complicated
Jill, 27, from new york asks: I having been dating/living with my boyfriend for about 3 1/2 years. We broke up about 6 months ago and after a month started seeing each other again. After about 5 months he started saying he was not sure he wanted to be in a relationship with anyone. We argued back and forth and finally decided to go our seperate ways. However he continued to call/email a couple of time a week, saying how much he loved/missed me. Ultimatly we meet up to discuss our future and decided to try one more time. However he told me during the month we were apart he had been with someone. The situation is complicated by the fact that it is a girl I had a bad feeling about during our "quasi-relationship" and he got emotionally involved with the girl before we offically called it quits and he hid it from me. He says it is over and it was circumstantial, but why is she still sending him text messages about liking him if he has set the record straight? I can't help but think one of us is the back up girl.
I have told him that I was not sure if I could get over it but that I want to get past this and start fresh. But I would have to believe that whatever happened is over and not still continuing at a low level. I can't make him do anything so how do I figure out what the truth is? And decide whether to start moving forward either with him or without him? I am very conflicted. I don't know what or who to believe. Or what to do.
VictorM's advice: This is not complicated, Jill, and you don't need to figure anything out because you know all that you need to know. You just need the courage to do the right thing and move on without him.
One of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over each time expecting different results. You breakup, makeup, breakup, makeup, etc. and what changed in between? Nothing! Why keep doing it?
Don't get impressed by his emails and calls. Guys will do and say anything once they start getting horny and if they feel it will brings them closer to getting laid. I doubt he loves you anyway; he's just used to having you around.
And the same goes for you -- you're just used to having him around. To get over him you have to fight off a habit, not love. Get strong and start now. Your life will be much better off.
I have told him that I was not sure if I could get over it but that I want to get past this and start fresh. But I would have to believe that whatever happened is over and not still continuing at a low level. I can't make him do anything so how do I figure out what the truth is? And decide whether to start moving forward either with him or without him? I am very conflicted. I don't know what or who to believe. Or what to do.
VictorM's advice: This is not complicated, Jill, and you don't need to figure anything out because you know all that you need to know. You just need the courage to do the right thing and move on without him.
One of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over each time expecting different results. You breakup, makeup, breakup, makeup, etc. and what changed in between? Nothing! Why keep doing it?
Don't get impressed by his emails and calls. Guys will do and say anything once they start getting horny and if they feel it will brings them closer to getting laid. I doubt he loves you anyway; he's just used to having you around.
And the same goes for you -- you're just used to having him around. To get over him you have to fight off a habit, not love. Get strong and start now. Your life will be much better off.
