jennifer, 16, from bronx, ny asks:

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a year on and off, he was my first. But when we together everything is all good but when we see each other at school it's a different story. He acts like I'm just one of his friends. He gets mad over the littlest things and three days could pass by without him calling then when I ask him about it he says because I ain't called him. Right now we ain't talking because he stood me up and I got mad so he's not talking to me. Let me remind you I'm the one who got stood up. Well, I don't know what I should do. Somebody HELP

VictorM's advice:

Welcome to the world of teenage immaturity, mainly his, but yours too.

Your boyfriend is acting like an idiot. That's easy to tell. But the purpose of going out with another is to see if they're a good fit for you. Do they help make your life a happier one? Along the way, all kinds of signs let you know if this is going to be the case or not. It's not unusual for teenagers to have more ups and downs in their relationships than more mature people, but that still doesn't mean you shouldn't be toning your powers of observation and detecting personality flaws in your partner that will stand in the way of your happiness.

Things like getting "mad over the littlest things", going days without calling you because you didn't call him, and not treating you like a girlfriend at school are, in part, signs of immaturity but they are also a window into the kind of person/friend/lover he is. And the signs aren't very good.

You're getting enough clear signs but ignoring them. Stay with him at your own peril.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend

TK, 32, from California asks:

I met a guy I've been on 3 dates with so far (and no, the third date rule did not go into effect!). We've had a blast each time. He's emailed me afterwards to say what a great evening he's had each time. I think he likes me, but he doesn't call. We basically communicate through a couple brief emails to set up our next date. A little background: he was divorced 2-3 years ago. Has a 4 1/2 yr old boy. He's 39. He's in a career transition. His son spends about 4 days a week with him. Should I take the initiative and just ask him if he's interested in me? Or will that freak him out? Because while he's with me, he seems really interested. Then the rest of the week we don't even talk. I've never dated someone with a child, but am very open to it. Just don't know how it is. Thanks.

VictorM's advice:

After three dates you want to ask if he's interested in you? TK, he hasn't even had time to clean the fuzz from his navel since he first saw you. Please, do him, and yourself, a favor. Do NOT ask that question. *grumbles to self: why oh why are women in such a rush?*

Anyway, this guy likes you, but he's trying to balance a lot of things. Ease your way into his life. Let him set the pace. Now, that doesn't mean you should sit back and do nothing, but you're going to have to slow down. (By the way, make nothing of him not calling -- most guys hate, HATE, the phone!)

It's quite possible that he's not ready to introduce you to his boy. I wouldn't blame him if he wants to spend time with the kid without introducing another woman. And if you have met the kid, that's a good sign. But the best you can do is be a good listener and not pressure him. I'm telling you, a guy after a divorce, changing jobs, dealing with a son, will not stand for a lot of theatrics and demands. But if you come across as non-threatening and tolerant, he may start leaning on you and letting you in. That's what you should be after at this time.

Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

confused, 21, asks:

ok here my dilemma, I was dating someone for almost 3 years when suddenly he told me he wanted the infamous break, which eventually led out our break up in January. After that I completely cut him off. I changed my number, my screen name, and anything else I could think of. Last week I logged into my email and there was a smiley face from him. This week he spoke to one of my friends asking how I am. He told my friend that as much as he would love to be with me, there are things that I say or do that completely turn him off. One example he mentioned is that after he said he wanted the break, I just couldn't handle that and I said we should break up. My friend told him that if he really wanted to know how I was doing he should call and find it. He answered her that I probably don't even wanna hear from him because I stopped talking to him and cut off all contact. My question is what does this all mean? If he doesn't want to be with me why think about me and taunt me like this? It's not fair. Time has passed and the situation has changed. Just be a man and call or forget about me.

VictorM's answer:

This guy is like most guys -- he hates to be thought of as a bad guy. But let me tell you plainly: he doesn't want to get back together with you. That doesn't mean he hates you. He may even like you as a person. But what's driving him is that he hates to think someone out there thinks he's a bad guy.

He runs into your friend and he wants to come across to her as the good guy. So he tells her he still likes you (she is your friend, so it wouldn't be popular to trash you -- remember, he wants her to think nicely of him too), and he pinpoints some small defects about you to justify having broken up with you. But that's all nonsense; that's not why he's not with you. He's not with you and he won't call you because is he's not in love with you.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend

Milly, 27, from Gauteng, Roodepoort asks:

Hi, I've been dating this guy since 2003. We broke up last year (November) after I found out that he was seeing someone else. I'm still in love with him and I miss him so much! He said he still loves me too but I don't understand why we cannot get back together! I want him back and I need your help! I've tried before to ask him back but in vain! I really and truly want him back. What do I say to him and how do I say it? He's changed his numbers! The weird part is he asks about me a lot. He wants to know who I'm dating and whether I'm dating! Please HELP!!

VictorM's advice:

He probably asks about you hoping you have found someone, got married, and had tons of kids so you can LEAVE HIM ALONE. He says he loves you, but that's a lie. He just doesn't have the nerve to tell you what he really thinks. Milly, the guy doesn't love you! HE DOESN'T WANT YOU. How much more clear can he make it before you get it? You don't need a boyfriend; you need a therapist.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend

I know it because it's my native tongue. I was born in Terceira, Azores.

emma smith, 13, from ryburn valley high school asks:

I fancy this teacher and I think he fancies me. What shall I do?

VictorM's advice:

You shall dress very provocatively, tease him, tempt him, and try to be alone with him. Then he might make a pass at you, and who knows, maybe even have sex with you. This will totally ruin his professional life, destroy his family, shame him among his friends, and most likely get him arrested.

Is this what you want for someone you fancy? I don't think so! So keep your fancying to yourself. Do nothing. Stay away from him. Focus on boys your age and leave him alone.

Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer

Ana, 28, from Nederlands asks:

My boyfriend told me in January "you are the one", involved me in the decisions about his new apartment calling me "the boss", we were making plans of visiting my parents in Portugal. Anyway, love was in the air. Somewhere in the middle of February he starts being evasive about future plans, he needs time for himself, still caring for me and taking little actions for me even when I don't know (organizing things for me at work that he knew I had to take care of). During this period he was complaining about small things I did, like not putting the blanket back or so...Problem: he decides that is over, comes to my place, tells me in the middle of enormous amount of tears. We work in the same place, when he sees me he makes this guilt face, if we are alone he would start crying at the same time asking how I was. After two weeks I decide to go on a week vacation with friends because seeing him every day is a bit difficult. When I return I see that he is now together with a girl from the same building at work. A girl that was sending him e-mails and cards. My questions: Does he like me but the attraction of having somebody else was too strong? Why did he cry so much after the break up? Was it because he was not sure about what he wanted or out of guilt? Do you think he will miss me in few months when the relationship with this other girl loses the excitment of the first times? What I mean is, is she basically a tool for him to feel good? The only problem I have to get over him is believing in the feeling he had before were strong!

VictorM's answer:

He fell in love with someone else. He tried to fight it off hoping it was just a phase. So he become even closer to you hoping the feelings for the other girl would die down (that's the "you're the one" period). Then, when his feelings didn't subside, he started looking for defects in you (that's the "blanket in the wrong place" period) to convince himself you weren't "the one" after all. Then, when his feelings for the other girl were still strong, he made a decision.

It's possible that he's a serial fall-in-and-out-of-love kinda guy but I don't think so because of the guilt he has shown and the steps he went through to avoid it. I believe he's in love with this other girl.

His guilt is not a reflection of the love he felt for you -- he might have been in love with you, he might not, I don't know -- but that guilt is a way for him to live with himself in the future. By crying, by feeling bad, by demonstrating guilt, he's paying a penitence that will entitle him to be with her guilt-free. I hate to say this, but I don't think he's coming back to you. Even if things with the new girl don't work out he's burned the emotional bridge to you. The decision he made isn't so much that he's in love with her; it's that you are not his "one".

So the last question is, were his feelings for you real? I really can't say, but it's entirely possible that they were. Even if you are "in love", you can meet someone new that turns your world upside down. It happened to him; it could happen to you.

So what does that mean about future relationships? Could this happen again? The answer is yes. And that's why you should live for the moment, making the best of each day you spend with the person you are in love with. They could be gone tomorrow by death, by betrayal, or by a change of heart.

For you, it will take time to get over this. You will miss him. And as we say:

"A saudade é um luto
Uma dor, uma aflição
É um cortinado roxo
Que me cobre o coração"

But we also say:

"Não há mal que por bem não venha".

You will find someone better. That's a promise.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend

b, 23, from england asks:

My partner and I have been together 6 years he dont work he looks after our son while i work full time isort bells money etc. at the mom i am at home he is in bed its 2pm i feel as though he is only here for an easy ride i have tryed loads of times to talk bout it what should i do ??

VictorM's advice:

I couldn't make out all that you're trying to say but I hope I understood your question correctly. Basically, your partner stays at home, you do the work, he's lazy and not motivated to get a job.

He looks after your son. Is he good at taking care of the child? Because if he is, that is quite a good service he provides. No one would bat an eye if you stayed home and he went to work, so why is that a problem when the situation is reserved? Getting a good baby-sitter is not easy. And as every mother who stays at home will tell you, that's not easy work. That could explain him being in bed at 2 PM.

So how do you motivate an unmotivated man? It's not easy but you don't do it with put downs and insults. Building up his ego works a lot better. If he's remotely good to your child, start saying how grateful you are he's so good. Praise his good behavior. Tell him how good, smart, clever, etc. he is. Talk about him as the man you want him to be. That is much more likely to motivate him than insults will.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Sheena, 20, from: WI asks:

I like this one boy who I bowl with and have in a class. I talk with him online quite a bit where we have very funny and interesting conversations. Sometimes we talk for an hour or two. We talk in person too and he is always smiling and saying something funny. The lecture we have together is pretty big, so sometimes he gets there too late to sit by me, but every time he can he does. At bowling I noticed him acting slightly more goofy when we would be bowling on the same lanes then if we were apart and one time I thought he was looking at me so I looked up at him and as soon as I caught his eyes, he quickly darted them away. It seems like he looks at me from time to time out of the corner of my eye. Another thing is, is that online we talk very easily and good, but in person its a little more nerve racking, but still good and funny. We actually talk more online then in person. I think he is shy when it comes to girls just like I am shy when it come to boys. He never brings up other girls and one time someone called him to go to a movie and I asked "was it a giiiiiiirl" and he said it was, but that it wasn't just the two of them going, there would be another guy there. I then said "just wondering hahah" and he said "eh, no problem". He didn't have to say "its not just the two of us going" so i don't know. He also seems to be taking some interest in my interests like going to a website I gave him(which I didn't think he would do) and actually tried what it said. Do you think that he likes me? If so, what should I do cause he may be too shy to say so, but I am too?!

VictorM's answer:

Does he like you? Duh! Of course he does.

Seems to me you're doing fine. Asking "was it a giiiiiiirl" shows some interest. That's good. If you're shy and you still manage to be cool and fun with him, that's a good sign.

Generally guys move into a relationship at a slower pace, so don't expect him to rush you to the altar. Your next goal should be to spend more time with him, one on one. Going to the movies is an easy way to do it. Since the movie topic has come up between you two, you could mention that you can't wait to see a certain movie (I recommend "Inside Man" or "16 Blocks" right now -- both movies will give you plenty to talk about after) and just say you hate going alone. See if he takes the bait. If he doesn't ask you to go, you can just say that you're going anyway at (make sure you have a time picked out) and if he wants to come along that would be great.

And you'll live happily ever after. :)


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer

Alexis, 17, from Georgia asks:

I really like this guy and we have gone out on a few dates. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend/fiance and so I am ready to move on. The guy I like told me that he cares about me and he really likes me. I waited and waited for him to ask me out and he did not so I did. I asked him out but he said he does not think it is a good time right now. What the heck does this mean??? Did I miss something here???

VictorM's answer:

"He cares and he really likes you". I bet he feels the same way about his mom. I don't see where that says he wants a relationship with you. Maybe he has a girlfriend. Maybe he has another girl in mind. Maybe he just doesn't want to go out yet with a 17 year old girl that was so recently engaged.

Things might change with him but don't sit around waiting. Go out with friends, have fun, meet new people, but try not to rush into another relationship yet.

This guy may come around, but he probably won't. "Not a good time" = not a good sign.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Tricia, 21, from OH asks:

I was seeing a guy a few years back we broke up for a while and I moved out he tried to contact me after I moved by calling and he even stopped at my grandparents to see if they knew how to get ahold of me. I was trying to get his contact information online and when I did I found out he got married, I was hurt. Well, here recently I sent him an email congratulating him on his marriage and he sent me an email back telling me he got divorced a couple of months ago and he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner and a movie to catch up on things. He also told me that he thought of me every once in a while. I still have feelings for him, I always will and I know he just went through a divorce and it's too soon for him to start seeing someone else. My question is, how will I know it's the right time for me to let him know? Thanks

VictorM's advice:

How long could he have been married for? Not that many years, I suppose. This is not like he was married for 20 years, had kids, mortgage, and hasn't been with other women for years. I don't think it's too soon to contact him.

You should make contact right away and start a friendship, but I don't think you should let him know that you like him. Not yet anyway. Talk, hang out, find out more about him, let him find out more about you. Let him be the one to dictate some of the pace, considering the situation.

Seems like his jump into marriage was sudden, and equally sudden was his divorce. I wouldn't say there is something wrong with him just because of that, but don't dismiss this warning flag too easily.

Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer

Nicole, 20, from New Jersey asks:

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 months now. He was really shy in the beginning but he called me a lot even just to say hi. Now he barely calls and he says he's going to call me at a certain time, but then doesn't. Is he losing interest? Or do guys really have a hard time talking on the phone? Should I call him or wait three days for him to call me?

VictorM's advice:

He could be losing interest, I wouldn't know, but guys do hate talking on the phone. Also, he's passed the conquering stage of the relationship and is starting to settle into the secure stage. You have to train him like dog owners train their puppies.

Don't allow him to sit back in the comfort zone. Rattle his cage. How? Spend time with your friends. Don't call him. Don't act mad when he does call. Tell him you think respect in a relationship is important; if he doesn't respect you (by calling when he says he will) maybe he's not the kind of boyfriend you want. Say this without appearing mad, just very sure of yourself. Brag about the fun you have with your friends. If he says he can't see you or call you, just say, oh that's OK, I'll find something fun to do without you.

One of two things will happen: if he doesn't start calling and giving you attention, then he's losing interest. But if he still likes you, he'll revert back to the early days and give you attention.

You ALWAYS have to make a guy feel a little bit uncertain. I know that's contrary to your instincts, but guys need to be challenged, not nurtured.

Now, go get him, tiger! Don't let this guy mess with a Jersey Girl!


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

Caroline, 46, from Sarasota, Florida asks:

I have been casually dating a fellow I like, he is 54 or so. We were seeing each other two or three times a week. It has been three days since his last call and I wonder if I should take the initative or if that is too "aggressive" at my age. Are there rules about this sort of thing?I realize he might need his own space but I would love to go out for a drink later... Should I call?

VictorM's answer:

Caroline, is that you!?

(Sorry, couldn't resist the coincidence of his age and home state).

Yeah, call him. And say exactly what you said here "I would love to go out for a drink". Keep it non-demanding, don't be pushy, but by all means express your interest. It's possible he's just busy but maybe he's waiting to see how interested you are.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer

Jane, 27, from CA asks:

I am engaged to a guy who was at first very loving - he could not get enough of me! Now it seems as though I am begging for his attention. He does not seem to value my perceptions or feeling about the relationship or distance - he keeps asking me to stop questioning his love for me. I told him today that I was scared of this, scared of him. I could tell that he was hurt, but is the truth. It has now been several hours and he has not addressed me or even attempted to talk to me. Am I being stupid? Does this guy really not care about me? Thanks!

VictorM’s advice:

Most guys get lazy after the initial burst of passion. The sense of security takes over from the need to conquer. In addition, guys generally don’t understand why they have to keep saying they love you and you already know that.

If you actually used the words “scared of him” I can understand him being pissed. That is probably the last thing a guy wants to hear from a girl. Much less one that says she’s in love with him. Your choice of words sucked.

Just about any guy you meet, after a certain period, will relax. If you can't deal with that that really is your problem -- you're not going to change a couple billion guys.

You have every right to express your desire for more affection, attention, and verbalization of his feelings, but your language hit below the belt. Always talk about your feelings, not about his behavior. (I feel lonely... I feel unappreciated... I like to hear I'm loved... etc. Always start with "I".


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend

Danielle, 16, PA asks:
I'm not really sure if this guy likes me or if it's just all in my head. He always stares at me and he's friends with a guy friend of mine but when they're talking or if he is talking to another one of his guy friends he will always have his body facing me and not even look at the friend he's talking to but just stare at me (if I'm across the room). Then he will kind of follow me in the hall if he sees me or if I’m at my locker he will walk by about 2 maybe 3 times. Am I just over analyzing things or does he really like me?

VictorM’s advice:
Well, he likes something about you. He probably finds you attractive. Does that mean he’s attracted to you? Quite possibly but not necessarily. We all find many people attractive without being attracted to them. This could be the case here. Also, you could be one of many girls he does this with.

So, bottom line is, there’s a good chance he likes you, but none of it means anything unless more direct contact takes place.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

samantha, 25, from los angeles asks:

What does it mean when a guy says he needs time and that he is going through a lot right now?

VictorM's answer:

It means he's not interested in you.

See, if a guy is going through a lot he'd want someone he really loves there to help him. He came to realize you're not the one.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

tanya, 18, from lesta asks:

I am with this guy for 6 months and he's my first guy. I never been out with anyone before because I used to think that am not ready yet but anyways I am with him for 6 months and he wants to end it because he thinks that I deserve a better guy, He cried as well and he goes I can't express my love to you, its hard for me and I don't wanna spoil your life, he goes concentrate on studies only and leave me. I don't know what to do, I am so addicted to him. I tried to talk to him but he's blanking me. What do you think I should do?

Victor M's answer:

Listen to yourself: "I am so addicted to him". My guess from that and his reaction is that you're driving him crazy. You're probably clingy, possessive, I don't know exactly, but something along those lines. My guess is you sucked the life out of the relationship.

Forget what he told you; he'll say anything just to get away without hurting you. Forget about him (I know, easier said than done since you're "addicted"), he's made up his mind to move on. You should do likewise but you really should examine how you behaved. How often did you call him? Do you have friends? Do you hang out with them? Do you have interestes besides your boyfriend?

If you aren't honest with yourself, you're likely to hear the same thing from the next guy and the guy after that.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend

Chelbie, 12, Michigan asks:
I have this guy I like and we talk a lot. He laughs at my jokes and that kind of thing. The only thing I want is for us to be more than just friends, if you get my point. How do I do that?

VictorM’s advice:
This is how you do it: you keep talking and laughing and exercising patience because as the saying goes “good things come to those who wait”. Don’t rush the boy. Boys generally mature later than girls and most likely all he wants for now is to just talk and laugh.

As a father, I say wait till you’re 35.

Shannon, 14, from ok asks:

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 6 months and he won’t kiss me and when I ask him about it he tries to avoid it. What does that mean?

VictorM’s advice:

It just means he’s not ready for the kissing, making out stuff yet. That’s not unusual. Many boys don’t start feeling the urge until later. You need to understand that it has nothing to do with you; it has to do with his development. It could also be that he has the urge but is nervous about it because kissing generally leads to more and many boys get apprehensive about going too far.

I say give him more time. Just enjoy his company, have fun, but don’t bring up the kissing. When he’s ready, you’ll know it. And then… call the fire department -- it’s going to get super hot!


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, kissing, boyfriend, girlfriend

Amy, 13, from New York asks:
I would like to know how to get a guy’s attention but to not exaggerate much?And how do you know when a guy likes you.

VictorM’s advice:
You get his attention with three things: smiles, using his name, and a nice word (compliment). When you see him, smile, say “Hi Jim”, and then, if appropriate, say something like: “Nice shirt, Jim”, then smile and walk away (very important – walk away). This boy will be eating out of your hands in no time.

You know he likes you when he loses the biggest fight of his life and all he can do is scream: “Adrian! Adrian!”. Oh wait... nevermind that! Well, you never really know when a boy likes you. You just hope he does, you think he does, he treats you like he does, but you can never be sure. And that’s how it should be. Mystery is the spark of life.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, compliment, boyfriend, girlfriend

Wise, 15, from NY says:
I have a huge crush on this guy but he has a girlfriend, so he says. But we talk on the phone almost every day. We give each other hugs every time we see each other. We even held hands one time.

VictorM’s advice:
Thanks for sharing. That’s cool.

I looked all over for a question but couldn't find one.

Gerry, 32, from Miami asks:
I went out with a guy for a month and we never had a fight, we had great chemistry. He's 26 and he's never had a real girlfriend, just hook-ups and short relationships. He always told me that even though he felt great with me and that I was awesome physically and spiritually, he knew I deserved better because he didn't believe in falling in love, he was too scared of love and that I was such a good person that he didn't want to hurt me. He broke up with me, but it took him 6 hours to do it, and the whole time it seemed as if he wasn't very sure about it. He said it wasn't me that it was him. He said he's a control freak and he didn't believe in falling in love because that would mean losing control, etc... Now we are just friends, but he is still very nice and caring with me. Do you think I could get him back and help him lose his fear of intimacy, his fear of falling in love? If so, how could I do it?

VictorM’s advice:
No, you can’t! The biggest mistake women make in relationships is to think they can “fix” guys. You can’t. You’ll just tie your life up. Don’t do it.

Look, this guy just isn’t into you enough. You’re not his “it”. It’s that simple. Everything else he tells you is bullshit! He means well. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, but you have to face reality. He likes you. He likes your company. But you’re not his “it”.

Move on! For his sake and for yours.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend

Kailey, 10, from Arizona asks:
I know I am only ten but I want to know if this boy I like likes me back. So here's the story: one day I told my best friend (who is now my ex-best friend) that I liked this boy named Tyler. So she told him(!) and all he said was, "Oh"! His friend said he had a half crush on me but a major crush on my new best friend. Luckily she doesn't like him! WHAT DO I DO?

VictorM’s advice:
There are 10 year olds in Arizona? I thought only old people and Alice Cooper lived there. (I know, you won’t get that, but I’m laughing).

Of course he likes you; he’d have to be a fool not to. But 10-year-old boys are generally yucky. They smell, have cooties, and wear dirty underwear (I don’t know why but 10 year old boys just don’t know how to wipe well). So, what you should do about it is wait. I'd say that oh, in about 20 years, you could start paying attention to boys. (They’ll still be yucky and their wiping skills actually will get worse, but you can’t wait forever.)

Mellissa, 18, NZ asks:
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months. He is 21. We already love each other a lot and have a great relationship but I have a concern. He went out with a girl for 2 years when he was younger. This ended three years ago. He loved her also. She doesn’t live in NZ and he is going on his O.E in 8 months and he plans to go and visit her and stay with her and have her show him around. He is traveling with a guy mate but I am still worried, mainly, because he says she doesn’t matter anymore and he doesn’t like her but I have come across a lot of things that are from their relationship. Three years later why does he still have reminders of her everywhere? Do you think I have reason to be jealous or worried?

VictorM’s advice:
Yes, I can understand you being jealous and worried. But this boils down to one question: Do you trust him or not? If you don’t, well, then you don’t have such a great relationship after all. If you trust him, this is the time to show it. It won’t be easy for you, given the circumstances, but doing something difficult is the true test of love. I don’t know enough details to judge whether he should go or not go. But I do see it as a worthwhile test for how strong your love is.

Another good reason for him to go is that he may not be totally over her – what you’ve told me suggests he’s not – so seeing her again may be something he really needs to do. In the long run it could be the best thing for you. He may still have these nice thoughts about her but now that he’s known you he may realize you’re the one he wants to be with. Seeing her will just put the last nail on their relationship and his memories. If that’s so, when he returns, you may find that some of those things he’s keeping from her will be gone. If, however, the visit rekindles his feelings for her, you’re better off finding out now instead of years down the road.

So which way will it go and how will you know? I have no idea how it will go but one thing I’m sure of – you will know when you look at him. Don't listen to his words; trust your instincts.


Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, boyfriend, girlfriend

ashley, 13, from florida asks:
I have a boyfriend. I told him he was my first but he's not. I love him a lot but I also have some feelings for another boy. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:
Ashley, Ashley, Ashley... so young and so sneaky. That's not good.

I wouldn't go back on what you told your boyfriend, but do yourself a favor next time -- be honest! It always, always, works out better.

I say keep your boyfriend and wait to see how you feel about the other boy in a few weeks. Often, especially at your age, you get these crushes that fade away quickly. It would be a pity to make a move that you'll regret right away. Keep the crush to yourself. Don't tell anyone for now.
But don't feel bad about liking two boys. That is quite common and nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you don't let it get out of hand.

Katie, 26, from VA asks:
The guy I like is very busy with work, school and many other things. I contacted him last and I haven't heard from him. Is it safe to call him or is it true that he needs to do the "chasing?"

Victor's M advice:
Sure, it's best that he do the chasing, but that doesn't mean you can't nudge him.

If he doesn't call you, you'll stay exactly where you are now -- nowhere. So you really have nothing to lose by calling him.

cherie, 16, from south carolina asks:
Is it better to ask a shy guy out in person or by e-mail?

VictorM's advice:
It's better to lead him to ask you, but given just the two choices, I'd say in person is best, but if you're shy or nervous about it, e-mail is not bad. An e-mail is the same as a note slipped into him. What matters is that the message gets there.

But if you're going to use an e-mail, don't get too mushy. That e-mail might be forwarded to all his friends. You never know.

Anna, 17, from Massachusetts asks:
I like this guy, but he's really shy and nervous around girls. I want to go to prom with him, and I think he knows and kind of wants to go, but I don't know if he's going to ask me, or if he's too shy. I'm shy, too, so I'm nervous to ask him. I don't want to be turned down! What should I do?

VictorM's advice:
Read this. It aplies to you.

julie, 22, from canada asks:
I just recently broke up with my boyfriend off an on and off again relationship of 3 yrs. I have however been having an affair with his friend. At first it would only be once in a blue moon of drinking. Now it has gotten to be the point where we see each other a lot more talk on the phone, spend nights together. We have total chemistry and he is very sweet. Verbally telling me how much he loves spending time with me, that he could never get sick of me, playing songs that remind me of him and doing nice gestures. He does have a girlfriend as well who lives out of town. I don't expect anything to really come from this even though it feels like a tonne of feelings are involved for both of us. Do you think things could ever get more serious? I can't see it but would he break up with his girlfriend ever? Why does he want to spend time with me? What is the most that could come from this?

VictorM's advice:
I don't know how he feels about his girlfriend, but why would he breakup with her for you? You're an easy -- free, in fact -- piece of ass, without any commitments. Heck, since he clearly just wants you for the sex, why would he change anything?

Never mind what he tells you. Guys will say anything to keep the source of the free sex flowing. Words are just words and they too are free.

Hey, if you don't mind just the sex and the phony words, that's your business, but any chance of a happy relationship between two cheaters isn't something with a high percentage of success. Oh, sorta like Elton John getting pregnant.

Claire, 24, from UK asks:
There is a boy that I have been friends with for years, we haven't been close ever but I have been to see him a few times, nothing has ever happened between us but I have always liked him more than friends, it's juts he has always had a girlfriend. The one time he hadn't I took my sister to meet him and asked her whether he liked me, she said no, so I left it. He then came to see me just before he went away with his new girlfriend and said drunkenly "why didn't you call me after we met up - I thought something was going to happen with us then" so I was kinda shocked! I saw him last week as he has just got back from USA (having split up with his partner) and I still really like him. But I'm unsure whether to say something when he comes to my house next week (he is working nearby), as I don't want to make a fool of myself. He is very flirty and said a few times how good I looked, but I don't know whether that was as a friend?? What do you think? Claire

VictorM's advice:
He likes you. How do I know? Because he said it when he was drunk. See, alcohol removes a person's inhibitions and their true self comes out.

Go for it Claire. He's yours for the taking.

And if he wavers, buy him a few drinks!

liz, 20, from idaho asks:
My friend is coming to visit for a week from out of state. My boyfriend doesn't want to meet her, because he's shy, and he says that he is just going to not see me for the time she's here, because she'll be staying at my house. He's met my other friends before, why is he doing this?

VictorM's advice:
You know as well as I do that shyness is not the reason. Maybe he wants to watch March Madness all day long?

It's possible he feels he'll be a third wheel -- and he most likely will be -- but I would insist he meet her, at least for a few minutes. If he's not willing to do that, I don't know, sounds fishy to me.

becky, 16, from Pennsylvania asks:
My boyfriend says how much he hates his ex-girlfriend and how badly she treated him. I do not like my ex boyfriend and I never talk about him to my current boyfriend. Every time we talk on the phone, it seems, my boyfriend brings up the subject of his ex. The other day we were standing in the hall waiting for class to start and his ex came up and just punched him playfully in the arm. I expected my boyfriend to act angry about it, but instead he just playfully punched her back like he was flirting with her. And I was standing there the whole time!!! I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend and tell him not to talk to her, but he told me he hated her but yet he still talks to her. How should I deal??? I can't help these jealous feelings!!!

VictorM's advice:
Exes are evil! Remember that. Any time exes get in the picture things get complicated. So I don't blame you for feeling insecure at this point.

I don't know how long he saw her for or the conditions of their breakup, but it's normal to take a while to get her off his system, especially if she was the one who broke up with him.

The acceptance of her joking with him, and him joking back, could be just a natural reaction common to most males. See, guys hate to admit that someone else hurt them, so all he's doing is making it appear as if she hasn't hurt him. He's putting up an act with her. I wouldn't make too much of that.

However, don't dismiss the possibility that he still has feelings for her. In fact, I think it's quite likely based on what you said. While it may not be easy for you, I suggest you give him some more time to see if he gets her out of his system. I know the normal reaction would be to tell him to stop talking about her, but if you do, you'll never know if he stopped because you asked him or because she no longer means anything to him. By letting him talk you can gauge it. If after a while (you decide how long based on your patience level) he's still going on about her, he's spoiled goods. Give him his walking papers. Unless you want to be a second banana.

nicole, 27, from san francisco asks:
Hi, I want to know why men pick really stupid fights, causing scenes, and then cleverly reversing the whole thing? Now I'm wondering what I did to him, kissing his ass, and leaving messages crying. Is this some type of "mind game" or what? And if so how can I avoid being a victim? It is causing major turmoil in my relationship. Thanks

VictorM's advice:
There are two possibilities here. One, your boyfriend is a jerk, in which case I have to ask, why are you still with him? Two, your dismissive attitude about his grievances, by calling them stupid, suggests to me you don't pay him proper attention.

In either case, the ball is on your court. Blaming others for the problems in the relationship just shows you're not mature enough to do the right thing. If you're dating a jerk, dump his ass. If he's not a jerk, work to be more understanding of his displeasure and discuss it like adults.

You avoid being the victim by realizing that the words exchanged in fights should be ignored because when people get mad their intuition is to inflict pain -- either physical or emotional -- on the source of their rage. Instead of calling him back in tears, you should allow for a cool-off period. Later, instead of talking about the fight and the words said, talk about the feelings he felt that led him to say the things he did. This way, you might find out that when he called you a "flirting whore" in front of everyone at the bar, what he really meant to say is: "I can't handle it when other guys look at you." That's just an example but try to apply it to your situation.

You really should not assume that guys are playing mind games. That only appears so because men have a difficult time dealing with their own deep emotions so they resort to superficial themes. Most times with guys this type of attitude is not a game; it's an inadequacy.

Alice, 17, from Johannesburg asks:
I am in love with my friend's best friend who also happens to be a good friend to me. We were attending matric together and he asked me to go to the farewell with him but unfortunately it was cancelled. My friend was closer to him and his friends with him more than me. She sends him sms's and I recently do the same. She loves him as a friend and I have feelings for him. I think he also feels the same about me but he doesn't say it exactly. Will being with him ruin my friendship with her? She sometimes says it irritates her when friends become lovers because they act differently. What should I do?

VictorM's advice:
I have no idea how your friend would react if you started going out with this guy. But a "best friends" who is more concerned with herself than the happiness of a friend doesn't deserve the title of "best", and maybe not even the "friend".

If you and him start going out you will act differently. There is no question about it. And if she can't handle it, that's her problem, not yours. That's not to say you shouldn't be sensitive to her feelings and, to the extent possible, minimize the actions that you know irritate her, but ultimately, you shouldn't stop your pursuit of happiness just because she'll get irritated.

I say make a move for him and try as much as you can to be conscientious of her feelings, but don't let her crankiness block your happiness.

A in the city, 26, from New Zealand asks:
I am 26 now. I found I was genious. I would spot problem middle age man (who has never married) and have relationship. I had handsome nice flatmate (24yr old) ask me to go out before and I didn't and have no feeling at all. I tried to meet people (similar age) on match.com, but I just could not make it to a stage to go out. I found I still had feeling for the 45yr old. I have run away a few times. I tried to see counselling. It didn't work. He refused to leave his fiancee to be with me. He called police to ask me to go away. I did cut him off after that (2 1/2 mths ago). But I am still thinking about him. Then I met the 44yr old. He was so nice to me at the beginning. 1 mth later, we have problem. End up he told me that he thought I took things too seriously and he just want a casual relationship. And I told him I don't want to see him anymore. He has never call me since then. I live by myself. I feel extreme lonely. Sometimes, I was crying when I turn the light off before sleep. I told my friend about it. She said I just need time to heal my heart broken by the 45yr old. I really don't like crying at night time. I don't know what to do.

VictorM's advice: I don't know what you meant by "genious", but I don't think you meant "genius", unless it's sarcasm. Anyway, you like older men. That's not a crime. You probably didn't grow up with a father, or your father was a poor role model. That's quite typical if that's the case.

Your real problem is that you seem to be an obsessive person. One guy, who was engaged to someone else, had to call the cops for you to go away; the other says you take things too serious and never contacts you again. I say you need more help than what I can give you. You say you already saw counseling. I say you need to try again, with another counselor.

Getting over someone takes time. Meanwhile, don't force yourself to find another guy. You're better off finding an interest to occupy your mind. A hobby of some sort. Something to help you make new friends, go to different places, do different things than you ever did with the 45 yr old guy. Keeping yourself busy with something you're passionate about will open the door for you meeting someone that shares the same passion.

Until then, feeling lonely and crying are part of the price you pay for a broken heart. The Portuguese have a saying for those who cry a lot: "Quem muito chora, menos mija" - "She who cries a lot, pees less". Just a way of saying, there's a silver lining in every cloud. You just have to look for it instead of shutting yourself off from the world.

john, 15, from boston asks:
Me and my friends like to jerk off together looking at Playboys. It is so much fun to play with each other that way. Does these mean I am gay?

(Question sent to Ask A Real Mom)
john, from boston asks:
I am a 15 yr old boy I masturbate 2 or 3 times a day. Is there something wrong with me? I can't wait till I am alone to do it again.

VictorM's advice: You are one busy boy.

You like to play with each other? I assume you mean you give each other hand jobs. If that's so, well, that's not exactly heterosexual, now is it? You look at Playboy, not Playgirl, so you could just be experimenting or going through a phase. But at your age boys tend to be very skittish about touching other boys, so I don't know. Time will tell. If you're doing the same thing with your college roommates, then you're gay, or at least bi-sexual. If, however, I misunderstood you and you two just masturbate yourselves, not each other, then you're just a little weird, but nothing to see a shrink about.

You're 15 and you masturbate 2 or 3 times a day? Hell, yeah, there's something wrong with you. At 15 you should be choking the chicken 5 to 7 times a day. My rule of thumb is: if you're not growing calluses on your hand, you're a slacker. So, you have some catching up to do. (Nah, seriously, 2 to 3 times a day is very normal. There's nothing wrong with you in that department.)

Hot-Caramel, 17, from C.A. question:
Me and this guy are friends, but I have a crush on him. He messes around with me sometimes and sometimes tries to get my attention when I don't notice him. I'm thinking about asking him to the prom, but this is the thing, he flirts with a whole lot of girls and I don't want to be rejected. What should I do?

VictorM's answer:
How about asking without asking him? Huh? OK, let me explain.

You can ask him to help you find a prom date. Maybe he'll say: "How about me?" If he says that, you say: "Cool, you're it!" and you can be eternally grateful to me. If he doesn't offer himself and starts naming names, you keep saying no. Tell him what you're looking for in a prom date by listing things that only he fits the description for, like: has to be a friend, has to be someone that makes me laugh, has to be about (his height), has to be (his color hair), has to be (his age), etc. until you practically have to say his name, but of course you don't.

If he doesn't get it, he's a moron and you'll get over him soon enough. But after all this, if he still plays dumb, you know not to ask him directly.

Let us know how it turns out.

becca, 32, from ohio asks:
My boyfriend doesn't ever seem like he is interested in intimacy. It seems like sometimes he is even afraid to even touch me. Like putting his hands on me is a real problem. What can I do to get him interested in any type of intimate contact?

VictorM's advice:
The very first and most important thing you have to realize is that his lack of intimacy has NOTHING to do with you. Chances are it's an upbringing issue. I bet his family are not very touchy-feely kind of people. Chances are some bad things happened to him that make him this way.

My very strong suggesting is that you do all you can for him to get professional therapy. If he's this way with you now, he'll most likely be that way with your children. And don't fool yourself into thinking you can