Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I had said something that upset him
TRISH, 25, from FLORIDA asks: I met this guy a couple of weeks ago. We went out a few times together and everything was great. We had a wonderful time. So one night we end up having sex, and afterwards everything seemed great. But then the next two days it seemed as if he was avoiding me. I mean he did call and we talked for a few minutes, but we used to talk for long periods of time before we had sex. I asked him if everything was OK, and he said yeah, but that I had said something that upset him. I told him I was sorry, and then he said he had to go. What can I do to show him I still like him and want to hang out??
VictorM's advice: What did you tell the guy that upset him? Does he have a legitimate beef with you? Is he being a whiny ass? Without knowing what you said that offended him, I'm in the dark.
If you said something like: "What do you call it, Tickler?" I wouldn't bother -- he's gone.
VictorM's advice: What did you tell the guy that upset him? Does he have a legitimate beef with you? Is he being a whiny ass? Without knowing what you said that offended him, I'm in the dark.
If you said something like: "What do you call it, Tickler?" I wouldn't bother -- he's gone.
A way to tell an ex girlfriend to leave you alone
Tom, 36, from New York asks: What is a way to tell an ex girlfriend to leave you alone? I have tried to be cordial and civil, but she keeps calling me. She wants to assume "things are the way they were" and they're not, not at all. I think she is obsessed with me.
VictorM's advice: You have my sympathy. This can be hell. And if you aren't cordial then she'll have you right at "you're an asshole", and of course everyone in town will know about it. Don't give her that satisfaction.
The thing she wants most from you is attention. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad attention. So you have to stop giving it to her. You have nothing else to explain to her, so don't. Ignore her as much as you can. Avoid the places she might be at. Block her emails and Private messages. Just ignore her, ignore her, ignore her. And if she still manages to get to you, don't act annoyed. Act indifferent, as if she doesn't matter. Then move on.
Last but not least... introduce her to your worst enemy.
VictorM's advice: You have my sympathy. This can be hell. And if you aren't cordial then she'll have you right at "you're an asshole", and of course everyone in town will know about it. Don't give her that satisfaction.
The thing she wants most from you is attention. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad attention. So you have to stop giving it to her. You have nothing else to explain to her, so don't. Ignore her as much as you can. Avoid the places she might be at. Block her emails and Private messages. Just ignore her, ignore her, ignore her. And if she still manages to get to you, don't act annoyed. Act indifferent, as if she doesn't matter. Then move on.
Last but not least... introduce her to your worst enemy.
Silence Treatment
MICHELLE RICHARDS, 41, from LONDON asks: I was seeing a guy on the internet. He had 2 kids and a hell of a divorce. We started seeing each other but only on a Wednesday, this was up to Christmas and then I told my family and they advise me to finish it, which I did. We are now friends but I have asked him where we are going and he said he's still screwed up and lost, could we be friends? I now have the silence treatment.
VictorM's advice: Divorces can be hell. Next to the death of a loved one, it's the most stressful thing for most humans. Your "where are are going" sounds like a suffocating question for a man trying to untangle himself from a previous relationship.
The silent treatment is a way to avoid you bringing on any more stress to his life -- he has plenty. Most guys prefer to shut-up instead of having to explain themselves about something that they don't want to talk about. Unless you are willing to be a friend and nothing more until he's ready for a change, I suggest you stay away.
VictorM's advice: Divorces can be hell. Next to the death of a loved one, it's the most stressful thing for most humans. Your "where are are going" sounds like a suffocating question for a man trying to untangle himself from a previous relationship.
The silent treatment is a way to avoid you bringing on any more stress to his life -- he has plenty. Most guys prefer to shut-up instead of having to explain themselves about something that they don't want to talk about. Unless you are willing to be a friend and nothing more until he's ready for a change, I suggest you stay away.
Monday, February 27, 2006
I just can't tell if he likes me
Question by kay, 40, from PA: I just can't tell if he likes me. It seems as though at times he is playing games, and I don't have much experience in the relationship field. He flirts when he is around me, always touching me somehow, but he will not call me.
VictorM's advice: Does he have your phone number?
Flirting and touching does not mean a guy likes you; it just means he likes flirting and touching. Unless he does more than that, he may like you, but not the way you want.
But do you flirt back? Have you given him signs that you want him to call you? If you haven't, you should. Maybe he's waiting for you to encourage him to go further.
VictorM's advice: Does he have your phone number?
Flirting and touching does not mean a guy likes you; it just means he likes flirting and touching. Unless he does more than that, he may like you, but not the way you want.
But do you flirt back? Have you given him signs that you want him to call you? If you haven't, you should. Maybe he's waiting for you to encourage him to go further.
I am married and have a crush on a co-worker
Jenny, 35, LA asks: I am married and have a crush on a co-worker, same age as me. He is the strong, silent, handsome, tall type. We are not in the same work group, though we sit fairly close. I keep thinking of him all day (not sexual fantasies, just whether he likes me or not) to the point of obsession and keep thinking up excuses to go and chat with him or to even walk past his desk. His replies, when I drop by to chat, are sometimes friendly and sometimes ok (depending on how busy he is, I guess). He never comes over to chat with me, even though we share many commonalities (both of us love outdoor activities, both are into photography, etc.) and never makes any attempt to initiate conversation (except strictly work related). It would seem apparent that this guy is obviously not into me. However, the only contradiction is the eye contacts we keep having, like across a room or while crossing each other in corridors. They last about 1-2 secs, but each time our eyeballs lock and it feels like a direct connection to the heart, like I can see deep into his eyes. Sometimes he turns back and gives me a second look. A few times it happened that the eye contact lasted for 2-3 secs and then I averted my eyes since I didn't want to give away anything (I am married and have no wish to have an affair, plus he has a girlfriend). I have seen his eyes search me out in a full room and his eyes stopping at me....but there it ends. He makes no attempt to come and speak with me even in a friendly way, just goes his own way. My question is: Does he like me or am I reading too much into the whole 'eye contact' thing?? He is not a shy person, more of a silent alpha male. BTW, things have been this way for 11 months now. Thanks a lot for your reply! :-)
VictorM's advice: You are totally reading too much into the eye contact thing. I'll explain that in a second, but it's refreshing to hear a guy who is behaving like a gentleman at work, while you, pardon my expression, are being the cockteaser. I understand that you're curious, but since you're married and he has a girlfriend, you really ought to start behaving at work.
As for the eye contact, this is so often misunderstood by females. Guys look at attractive women the same way tourists look at tourist attractions -- they'll stand around and look but aren't emotionally involved. They check it off the list and go on to the next attraction. So yeah, a guy likes to look at attractive women. And sometimes that interest varies from day to day depending on his mood or how she looks. Sometimes a certain outfit makes you look more appealing than other days. Everything you said about this guy suggests he finds you attractive but only in a superficial way. He has no interest otherwise.
One more thing about eye contact is that many guys are conditioned to not being the ones to look away first. It's a "guy thing". So if you look at him, he'll look back. But that doesn't translate into interest; it's just him reacting to a belief that looking away is a sign of weakness.
Also, keep in mind that guys look their best in the office. You don't see him in the morning before he combs his hair and shaves, and you don't see him around the weekend looking like a bum, possibly something you see about your husband. But don't let the best side of him cloud your judgment -- what you're not seeing are the weaknesses.
In any case, you really should stop parading by his desk. He's shown you enough respect; it's time you do likewise.
VictorM's advice: You are totally reading too much into the eye contact thing. I'll explain that in a second, but it's refreshing to hear a guy who is behaving like a gentleman at work, while you, pardon my expression, are being the cockteaser. I understand that you're curious, but since you're married and he has a girlfriend, you really ought to start behaving at work.
As for the eye contact, this is so often misunderstood by females. Guys look at attractive women the same way tourists look at tourist attractions -- they'll stand around and look but aren't emotionally involved. They check it off the list and go on to the next attraction. So yeah, a guy likes to look at attractive women. And sometimes that interest varies from day to day depending on his mood or how she looks. Sometimes a certain outfit makes you look more appealing than other days. Everything you said about this guy suggests he finds you attractive but only in a superficial way. He has no interest otherwise.
One more thing about eye contact is that many guys are conditioned to not being the ones to look away first. It's a "guy thing". So if you look at him, he'll look back. But that doesn't translate into interest; it's just him reacting to a belief that looking away is a sign of weakness.
Also, keep in mind that guys look their best in the office. You don't see him in the morning before he combs his hair and shaves, and you don't see him around the weekend looking like a bum, possibly something you see about your husband. But don't let the best side of him cloud your judgment -- what you're not seeing are the weaknesses.
In any case, you really should stop parading by his desk. He's shown you enough respect; it's time you do likewise.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
I like a guy but he likes my best friend
Cheyanne, 15, from sc asks: If you like a guy but he seems to like my best friend and I want him to know how I feel. What do I do?
VictorM's advice: Do not let him know how you feel. That will be a mistake. The odds are too great that he'll use that information to play mind games with you. If he likes her, he's not gonna stop liking her just because you like him. And if he tells her, you could lose your best friend. Don't risk it.
What you do is be nice to him, make him feel good when he's around you be paying him subtle compliments and praising him when he deserves it, and wait your turn. This way you'll keep your best friend and you stand a better chance of winning him over.
Tags: advice, dating, friend, feelings
VictorM's advice: Do not let him know how you feel. That will be a mistake. The odds are too great that he'll use that information to play mind games with you. If he likes her, he's not gonna stop liking her just because you like him. And if he tells her, you could lose your best friend. Don't risk it.
What you do is be nice to him, make him feel good when he's around you be paying him subtle compliments and praising him when he deserves it, and wait your turn. This way you'll keep your best friend and you stand a better chance of winning him over.
Tags: advice, dating, friend, feelings
Saturday, February 25, 2006
I'll be retired by the time he even kisses me!
Ana, 24, from Miami asks: I've known this guy all my life. I hadn't seen him since I was about 10, though, & we just recently reunited. He is 7 years older than me with his own home & business needless to say he's established. He approached me and even when I was reluctant at first because I always saw him as a "big brother" figure growing up (he is in fact 7 years older and is a family friend), he continued to pursue me. He calls during business hours inviting me to lunch. He's never asked me out on the weekends or at night & it's getting a bit frustrating because I really like him. I've been to his house so I know that he doesn't live with anyone. He's also a family friend, so I know others who know him & have told me he's not seeing anyone. They have asked him about it and he says that he just wants to take things slow, but at this rate I'll be retired by the time he even kisses me! I also found out that he has an ex who is always on and off with him so I'm thinking that maybe she's the reason, but I still can't understand why he hasn't asked me out on a real date. I even went as far as calling him & telling him not to make plans for this evening because I was inviting him to join me and some of my co-workers to a lounge for some drinks and he said that he was sorry but he had already made plans. Long story short, I know he's attracted to me because he never fails to mention how hot he thinks I am, but I can't understand why he only wants to take me to lunch sporadically and never asks me out on a real date!!!! HELP!!!
VictorM's advice: Jeez! How many more ways do you want this guy to let you know he's not interested in you the way you are interested in him? Why that is I don't know, but there are several possibilities: He could still think of you a just a "little sister"; he still as an ex with loose ends and he doesn't want to involve you until that's resolved; and he may just like your company in small chunks, but not enough to have a relationship.
Saying you're hot doesn't mean he's attracted to you; it just means he finds you attractive. Many guys think Jessica Simpson is hot, but a moron. Same with Britney Spears. Finding someone hot and being attracted to them for a relationship just isn't the same thing. And this matches with him inviting you to lunch but not on night dates. Guys like to be seen with pretty women, they like looking at an attractive face. But that's not enough for a relationship. Lunch is the perfect way to do that.
You calling him to go out with you further complicated matters because now he knows you're interested in him, which gives him all the reason to take it slow in case someone else shows up. This is yet another sign that he doesn't think you're "it". At least not yet.
What I suggest you do is make yourself scarce. Give him a bit of a cold shoulder. Never be rude, but don't pander to him. If he really likes you, he'll come after you to know what's going on and he'll start pursuing you. If he doesn't chase you, you have your answer: he really isn't into you, no matter how hot you are.
Tags: advice, dating, hot, interested
VictorM's advice: Jeez! How many more ways do you want this guy to let you know he's not interested in you the way you are interested in him? Why that is I don't know, but there are several possibilities: He could still think of you a just a "little sister"; he still as an ex with loose ends and he doesn't want to involve you until that's resolved; and he may just like your company in small chunks, but not enough to have a relationship.
Saying you're hot doesn't mean he's attracted to you; it just means he finds you attractive. Many guys think Jessica Simpson is hot, but a moron. Same with Britney Spears. Finding someone hot and being attracted to them for a relationship just isn't the same thing. And this matches with him inviting you to lunch but not on night dates. Guys like to be seen with pretty women, they like looking at an attractive face. But that's not enough for a relationship. Lunch is the perfect way to do that.
You calling him to go out with you further complicated matters because now he knows you're interested in him, which gives him all the reason to take it slow in case someone else shows up. This is yet another sign that he doesn't think you're "it". At least not yet.
What I suggest you do is make yourself scarce. Give him a bit of a cold shoulder. Never be rude, but don't pander to him. If he really likes you, he'll come after you to know what's going on and he'll start pursuing you. If he doesn't chase you, you have your answer: he really isn't into you, no matter how hot you are.
Tags: advice, dating, hot, interested
Friday, February 24, 2006
Everything was great until bam we ran into his ex
Jeni, 30, from Mi asks: I was seeing this guy (we will call him M) for a few weeks (we never had sex). We truly were getting to know each other and everything was great until bam we ran into his ex out one night. They had broken up for 8 years. M started acting weird and distant, so I backed off. He didn't call and I didn't call him. Since then he has shown up when I was out having fun with my friends. He stared and tried to join the conversation. When he asked me how I was and I responded back to him in a nice positive way. He approached me a few times during the night, making his little sarcastic comments. Later we all left and went to our friend B's house. He later showed up there with a woman. She was loud and kissing all over him and he kept walking away from her. A little while later, I had enough of his antics so I went upstairs to lie on the couch to sleep. After a few minutes, he came up and covered me up. He startled me. Then he stood there staring at me, while I lay there trying to sleep. Then he said something rude about me again, so I said something sarcastic back. This man drives me crazy and please tell me what his deal is? Why would he chase me all over town? Chase me all night, bring someone else to our friend’s house then leave her alone and chase me some more? Should I talk to him about all of this? What is he THINKING/FEELING? Please Help Me!!!!!! Confused
VictorM’s advice: I assume you’re not interested in him anymore. If that’s so, you should tell him. By you talking nicely to him and allowing him to cover you up, he’s figuring he still has a chance and you’re just playing hard to get because you're pissed. He's not seeing you being nice as just merely being polite; he's seeing it as you still having feelings for him.
He chases you because either he likes you or he’s just one of those guys that has to have what he can’t have. If his ex dumped him the first time around, she became the challenge when he saw her. So he went in that direction. My guess is she wasn’t interested, and now you are giving him the cold shoulder – perfect! He now has a new challenge.
So why the other woman at your friend’s party? Why the sarcastic comments? Why the rude comments? Well, simple: he’s an asshole!
Be grateful you have seen this side of him. Tell him you’re not interested at all in him, and quit being nice to him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM’s advice: I assume you’re not interested in him anymore. If that’s so, you should tell him. By you talking nicely to him and allowing him to cover you up, he’s figuring he still has a chance and you’re just playing hard to get because you're pissed. He's not seeing you being nice as just merely being polite; he's seeing it as you still having feelings for him.
He chases you because either he likes you or he’s just one of those guys that has to have what he can’t have. If his ex dumped him the first time around, she became the challenge when he saw her. So he went in that direction. My guess is she wasn’t interested, and now you are giving him the cold shoulder – perfect! He now has a new challenge.
So why the other woman at your friend’s party? Why the sarcastic comments? Why the rude comments? Well, simple: he’s an asshole!
Be grateful you have seen this side of him. Tell him you’re not interested at all in him, and quit being nice to him.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Thursday, February 23, 2006
I think he is flirting with me
Question by Amand, 14, from oklahoma: I like this guy and I think he is flirting with me but I can't tell. What do I do?
VictorM's advice: Forget if he's flirting or not. Guys will flirt with sheep if they are the flirting kind.
What do you do since you like him? You should flirt with him. Let him be the one wondering if you're flirting or not. It's more fun this way.
Tags: advice, dating, flirt, question, answer, flirting
VictorM's advice: Forget if he's flirting or not. Guys will flirt with sheep if they are the flirting kind.
What do you do since you like him? You should flirt with him. Let him be the one wondering if you're flirting or not. It's more fun this way.
Tags: advice, dating, flirt, question, answer, flirting
I have a group of male friends
Ami, 22, asks: I have a group of male friends who rarely pay attention to me. I'm nice, funny, and considerate. And they compliment me on my looks quite often. But when my friend is in the room I get ignored. She is rude, inconsiderate, and uses people. What does she have that I don't? Why do I come second to her?
VictorM's advice: Think about it: she's rude. Obviously the guys don't want to fall victim to her personality, so she gets the attention. She's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil so they don't have to put up with the annoying squeak (her rotten personality). They know you're nice so they save their compliments to you for when she's not around.
Be thankful you come second when she's around. In this case, it's a good thing. As long as on the important things in life you come first. Stay nice, funny and considerate and you will be first!
Tags: advice, friends, rude, nice, ignored
VictorM's advice: Think about it: she's rude. Obviously the guys don't want to fall victim to her personality, so she gets the attention. She's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil so they don't have to put up with the annoying squeak (her rotten personality). They know you're nice so they save their compliments to you for when she's not around.
Be thankful you come second when she's around. In this case, it's a good thing. As long as on the important things in life you come first. Stay nice, funny and considerate and you will be first!
Tags: advice, friends, rude, nice, ignored
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
I'm not sure if this guy at work likes me or not
quenkra, 31, from texas asks: I'm not sure if this guy at work likes me or not. He gives me drinks or something to eat. He's always laughing and joking with me. He will come into my office and give me a massage on my back. If I am not very talkative he will keep asking me if something is wrong. We are always smiling at each other and we talk about our kids. But he hasn't asked me out or anything, and I am too shy to ask him.
VictorM's advice: It appears that he likes you but lots of people have problems with dating coworkers. That could be his case.
How about bringing that subject up someday? Tell him that you read in this fabulous, fantastic, awesome advice column that some people have problems with dating coworkers, what does he think about it?
VictorM's advice: It appears that he likes you but lots of people have problems with dating coworkers. That could be his case.
How about bringing that subject up someday? Tell him that you read in this fabulous, fantastic, awesome advice column that some people have problems with dating coworkers, what does he think about it?
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
If a guy says that I am hot
Jenny, 16, from 304 asks: If a guy says that I am hot and wants to get to know me, but he doesn't talk to me does he really like me?
VictorM's advice: Saying you're hot doesn't mean much. That's just horny talk. If he wants to know you but doesn't talk to you I can only assume he's only after sex and probably will only come on to you when you two are alone.
Don't be gullible and get all that impressed by him calling you hot. That is a very superficial comment and only works if you're a superficial person.
VictorM's advice: Saying you're hot doesn't mean much. That's just horny talk. If he wants to know you but doesn't talk to you I can only assume he's only after sex and probably will only come on to you when you two are alone.
Don't be gullible and get all that impressed by him calling you hot. That is a very superficial comment and only works if you're a superficial person.
She told me she liked me but I don't feel the same way
Ryan, 17, from Canada asks: Well, the other day I was talking to this girl and she told me she liked me. She said she wanted to get to know each other, we have done that and now she wants to go out. I don't like her as much as she likes me. How do I let her know this without hurting her feelings?
VictorM's advice: Tell her that you're gay, that you're into rough, tough, cowboys.
Well, if that doesn't work for you, try the truth. Tell her you enjoy her friendship and at this point you don't see it being anything but that. No gimmicks, no speeches, no ambivalence. Tell her the truth with care.
Will that hurt her feelings? Who knows. Every person reacts differently to these things and you can't predict or control how she will react. The only thing I can tell you is if you lie or if you delay, it'll only get worse. So do it right away.
Tags: advice, dating, friend, friendship, truth
VictorM's advice: Tell her that you're gay, that you're into rough, tough, cowboys.
Well, if that doesn't work for you, try the truth. Tell her you enjoy her friendship and at this point you don't see it being anything but that. No gimmicks, no speeches, no ambivalence. Tell her the truth with care.
Will that hurt her feelings? Who knows. Every person reacts differently to these things and you can't predict or control how she will react. The only thing I can tell you is if you lie or if you delay, it'll only get worse. So do it right away.
Tags: advice, dating, friend, friendship, truth
Super huge crush on him
tia, 10, from tennessee asks: Me and this guy hang out a lot. But I have a super huge crush on him. How do I know if he likes me?
Victor M's advice: He hangs out with you a lot. That means he likes you.
Victor M's advice: He hangs out with you a lot. That means he likes you.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Things are going great
Janie, 27, from Florida asks: I've been dating this guy for about six months. Things are going great. My question is... If I was a boy dating a girl, I'd know exactly what to get her to make her day, make her feel extra special...flowers, small piece of jewelry, dinner out, etc. But what can I get my guy? Yeah, yeah, it's not about the material stuff, but I want to surprise him with something special every now and then and of course they don't go for all that cheesy stuff. What do guys like?
VictorM's advice: Not flowers!!! No way! If a guy says he would like flowers, dump him!
Actually, guys aren't as driven by gifts as females, but it sure feels nice when you get one. The most important thing really is to give him something you know he's going to like, something that he's mentioned before. Could be a book, a tie, tickets to a ball game or a concert, a new set of balls... golf balls, I mean. As long as it's something he's talked about.
Please, don't buy HIM something just because YOU like it. It has to be something you know he'll like. If you can't think of anything, you either haven't been asking the right questions or aren't paying attention. Don't assume -- know!
Of course... there's the three old reliable ones: 1) a red Ferrari; 2) a threesome with your best friend; 3) the six-pack of his favorite beer outside your door with a note saying: "A gift for you. Come inside for the red bow" and... you know the rest. Cheesy, but effective.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, gift, guy, flowers, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: Not flowers!!! No way! If a guy says he would like flowers, dump him!
Actually, guys aren't as driven by gifts as females, but it sure feels nice when you get one. The most important thing really is to give him something you know he's going to like, something that he's mentioned before. Could be a book, a tie, tickets to a ball game or a concert, a new set of balls... golf balls, I mean. As long as it's something he's talked about.
Please, don't buy HIM something just because YOU like it. It has to be something you know he'll like. If you can't think of anything, you either haven't been asking the right questions or aren't paying attention. Don't assume -- know!
Of course... there's the three old reliable ones: 1) a red Ferrari; 2) a threesome with your best friend; 3) the six-pack of his favorite beer outside your door with a note saying: "A gift for you. Come inside for the red bow" and... you know the rest. Cheesy, but effective.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, gift, guy, flowers, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, February 19, 2006
He hugs me and kisses me on the cheek
Ceci, 13, from Texas asks: I wanna know if this guy likes me. He always tries to make me laugh and every time I see him he hugs me and kisses me on the cheek. I have him for mostly all my class periods and he is really cute. He is always smiling at me and won't stop staring at me. He always buys me things.
VictorM's advice: He doesn't just like you; he's madly in love with you. Marry him. This week.
VictorM's advice: He doesn't just like you; he's madly in love with you. Marry him. This week.
What is the best way to ask a guy out?
Kim, 22, from Wy asks: What is the best way to ask a guy out? I have only been asked out, not the askee.
VictorM's advice: Promising him the "blowjob of his life" at the end of the night works for most guys. :)
Actually, this one is easy. As you said, you have been asked out. Whatever they said that made you say yes, say the same thing to a guy you want to ask out. If it worked for you, it'll work for most guys.
VictorM's advice: Promising him the "blowjob of his life" at the end of the night works for most guys. :)
Actually, this one is easy. As you said, you have been asked out. Whatever they said that made you say yes, say the same thing to a guy you want to ask out. If it worked for you, it'll work for most guys.
Mixed signals
eva, 21, from pa asks: I've been dating this guy for about two months now and he sends mixed signals. Sometimes he wants to chill other times he says he does then doesn't call back or ignores me for awhile. Why is he doing this? Does he really like me or is he using me?
VictorM's advice: He's doing it because he gets away with it. You have it in your power to tell him next time he says he'll call and he doesn't that you will consider him irresponsible, disrespectful, and not worthy of your time.
Most guys are like little children. You need to train them and, if need be, scold them. If you let them get away with things that annoy you, you have no one but yourself to blame. Guys can't read your mind.
This has nothing to do with him using you. I has all to do with your ability to assert yourself as a woman who must be respected and treated right. Unless you speak up, you're the one sending the mixed signals.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, mixed, signals, respect, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: He's doing it because he gets away with it. You have it in your power to tell him next time he says he'll call and he doesn't that you will consider him irresponsible, disrespectful, and not worthy of your time.
Most guys are like little children. You need to train them and, if need be, scold them. If you let them get away with things that annoy you, you have no one but yourself to blame. Guys can't read your mind.
This has nothing to do with him using you. I has all to do with your ability to assert yourself as a woman who must be respected and treated right. Unless you speak up, you're the one sending the mixed signals.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, mixed, signals, respect, boyfriend, girlfriend
Dating on and off... now he wants to marry
Question by lynn, 22, from dallas, tx: For the past 3 years this guy and I have been dating on and off, spending the majority of the 3 years together. Every time we break-up we fix what went wrong the last time and move forward. The last time we broke up he never told me why he just stopped talking to me and now 6 months later he tells me he is ready to marry me. I don't want to be with him if he is settling for me, but how can I tell?
VictorM's advice: I think that whether he's settling for you or not should be the least of your worries. This guy's mental stability is what I'd be asking about. Well, and since you accept this behavior, maybe you should get checked too. You two just aren't ready for marriage.
I think he is settling for you because even in a state like Texas he's not going to find too many women crazy enough to take him, so he keeps coming back to you. I just wonder what you see in the guy to keep taking him back. Regular folks have problems but they don't break-up as a way to fix them. If you can't grasp this then you're headed for another break-up soon. I just hope it happens before you marry.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, settling, marriage, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: I think that whether he's settling for you or not should be the least of your worries. This guy's mental stability is what I'd be asking about. Well, and since you accept this behavior, maybe you should get checked too. You two just aren't ready for marriage.
I think he is settling for you because even in a state like Texas he's not going to find too many women crazy enough to take him, so he keeps coming back to you. I just wonder what you see in the guy to keep taking him back. Regular folks have problems but they don't break-up as a way to fix them. If you can't grasp this then you're headed for another break-up soon. I just hope it happens before you marry.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, settling, marriage, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Saturday, February 18, 2006
A look of passion
Question by Tamara, 23, from Alpharetta: My Assistant Manager is bisexual. He sometimes gives me a look of passion when he talks to me about work. He looks at me all the time when I come to work. He's always happy and smiling at me and sometimes he's not into me. One day he even rolled his eyes at me and after a while he became nice. What does that mean?
VictorM's answer: By the behavior you describe I'd say... he's a woman!
A look fo passion... do you mean lust? Sounds like that's what it is. He treats you just like millions of coworkers treat each other: most days you're fine with them; sometimes you wanna give them a manicure... with a pair of pliers.
I'd say all this means he finds you attractive but is not impressed by you at times.
This question sounded like a riddle. How did I do?
Tags: advice, coworker, question, answer, work
VictorM's answer: By the behavior you describe I'd say... he's a woman!
A look fo passion... do you mean lust? Sounds like that's what it is. He treats you just like millions of coworkers treat each other: most days you're fine with them; sometimes you wanna give them a manicure... with a pair of pliers.
I'd say all this means he finds you attractive but is not impressed by you at times.
This question sounded like a riddle. How did I do?
Tags: advice, coworker, question, answer, work
Is he interested or just being nice?
Question by Ann, 30 from Norway: Is he interested or is he just being nice? He approaches me when I'm in a crowd and makes funny comments. He touches me when he talks to me. He bought me a beer and he kissed my cheek when he was drunk last weekend. In addition, he told me to call him whenever if I wanted to hang out. I have asked him out two times , but both times he turned me down because he had other things planned. I'm confused. I really like him but I am afraid to ask him again in case he says no. How do I approach this guy he seems a bit ambivalent and shy.
VictorM's answer: Get him drunk, then ask him out.
Seriously, sounds like he has some interest in you but he's not very serious about it. They say "three time's the charm", so if you ask again, you might succeed. But they also say "three strikes and you're out" so if you ask again and he has other things planned you can kiss this one goodbye.
It does you no good to stop at two -- you are in nowhere land right now. You have to take a risk and find out. Ask him out again one more time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, interest, confused
VictorM's answer: Get him drunk, then ask him out.
Seriously, sounds like he has some interest in you but he's not very serious about it. They say "three time's the charm", so if you ask again, you might succeed. But they also say "three strikes and you're out" so if you ask again and he has other things planned you can kiss this one goodbye.
It does you no good to stop at two -- you are in nowhere land right now. You have to take a risk and find out. Ask him out again one more time.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, question, answer, interest, confused
Friday, February 17, 2006
Is he into me or not?
kim, 22, from: Orange, California asks: Is he into me or not?? >:( It starts of with this guy I been seeing for the past 5 months. We met through mutual friends, things were kicking off the first two months..we spoke on the phone for several hours a day. We go on many movie dates, bowling, cuddle, make out and what not. As of this day, we never told each other how we felt, not even a "I like you" type of deal, it was more action then speaking. We hit it off pretty well the first few months and had our PDA moments in front of our friends... then... it all stopped. His friends made fun of him or something. We don't talk on the phone anymore like we use to either, it's all Instant messaging and text messaging all day and night. We still hang out, but I want to tell him how I feel, but it's so hard, because a friend once told me... don't tell him how you feel because he's going to take advantage of you. I know he's very sincere, fun to be with, but instead of asking me to hang out he would hint me like "so what are you up to?, what are you doing later?..etc...and I always end up responding with "Why, do you wanna hang out?" He's never direct with things like that, so I assume he's scared to tell me how he feels as much as I do? Or is he just using me as someone on the side. I really care about him and I never done anything wrong, I give him his independence and that's what most guys need. He's sweet to me when we hang out, but is he playing games with me? I really want to tell what's killing me inside... yet I'm scared of rejection.. What should I do?
VictorM's advice: From everything that I read, this guy really likes you. He's into you big time. Period. Now let me try to explain some things.
You said: "I'm scared of rejection". I suspect that's the case with him too. This suspicion is supported by two things: he was influenced by his friends and he doesn't ask you things directly. Both of these indicate he's very self-conscious and insecure. These types of guys don't handle rejection well.
Guys don't have the same need as girls do to express their feelings. So, he's having fun with you, you like each other, as far as he's concerned, words are unnecessary. This is one of those differences between males and females that causes lots of problems, but don't assume lack of words means lacks of feelings.
He used to spend hours talking to you everyday (no wonder he cooled off -- that's only natural). But he still IM's you a lot (that might cool off too -- don't make an issue of it.) Hours on the phone?! Hours on IMs?! I never heard of such a thing. These are not the signs of a guy that just wants to take advantage of you or just has you on the side. This guy must be mad about you... or plain mad!
OK, so now what to do? I think both of you are ready for the obvious yet both afraid to say it first (by the way, your friend is full of crap.) Since you're the one I'm talking to, I say take the plunge. Just say something like "I really like you, his-name". Go easy. Don't demand anything. Don't even expect an answer. Just look at him and say it. Then go on as if nothing happened. Let's see what he does.
Report back at 0800 hours.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, shy, rejection, fear, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: From everything that I read, this guy really likes you. He's into you big time. Period. Now let me try to explain some things.
You said: "I'm scared of rejection". I suspect that's the case with him too. This suspicion is supported by two things: he was influenced by his friends and he doesn't ask you things directly. Both of these indicate he's very self-conscious and insecure. These types of guys don't handle rejection well.
Guys don't have the same need as girls do to express their feelings. So, he's having fun with you, you like each other, as far as he's concerned, words are unnecessary. This is one of those differences between males and females that causes lots of problems, but don't assume lack of words means lacks of feelings.
He used to spend hours talking to you everyday (no wonder he cooled off -- that's only natural). But he still IM's you a lot (that might cool off too -- don't make an issue of it.) Hours on the phone?! Hours on IMs?! I never heard of such a thing. These are not the signs of a guy that just wants to take advantage of you or just has you on the side. This guy must be mad about you... or plain mad!
OK, so now what to do? I think both of you are ready for the obvious yet both afraid to say it first (by the way, your friend is full of crap.) Since you're the one I'm talking to, I say take the plunge. Just say something like "I really like you, his-name". Go easy. Don't demand anything. Don't even expect an answer. Just look at him and say it. Then go on as if nothing happened. Let's see what he does.
Report back at 0800 hours.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, shy, rejection, fear, boyfriend, girlfriend
I was chuffed at this point
Raj, 16, from Newport asks: On Valentines Day I bought a girl some flowers and she took the flowers and accepted them! I was chuffed at this point. I thought the world of her. Now was the time for next level and ask her out! For some reasons I don't feel ready. I ask myself why I had to mess with someone's mind? I never meant to hurt her. PLEASE HELP ME!
VictorM's advice: I'm sure you're the first person ever to use the word "chuffed" on this page. Cool stuff.
Anyway... what just happened to you is very common, especially around guys your age. Guys get crucified by girls for this all the time, but it's basic human nature at work, if you're a male.
See, you, like almost all guys, are driven by challenges. She was a challenge until the time she accepted the flowers. Now... well, she's there, accepted you, and you're 16, beating on your chest, sitting on top of the world knowing that you can do this again with another girl. So, you're ready for the next challenge because this one is over. So you're not playing with her mind; human nature is playing with yours.
My advice is for you to talk to the girl, tell her you sent her flowers because you think she's wonderful but you realized you can't be the kind of boyfriend she deserves, at least not yet. Don't try to dance your way out of this. Take the blow and walk away with your head high. Keep in mind that girls can handle the truth better than guys.
If, however, she goes nuts on you, buy her a diamond or a house or something EXPENSIVE. Girls' ability to simmer down is proportional to the cost of the gift you give them.
Tags: advice, dating, valentine, flowers, hurt, gift, girl, guy, boyfriend
VictorM's advice: I'm sure you're the first person ever to use the word "chuffed" on this page. Cool stuff.
Anyway... what just happened to you is very common, especially around guys your age. Guys get crucified by girls for this all the time, but it's basic human nature at work, if you're a male.
See, you, like almost all guys, are driven by challenges. She was a challenge until the time she accepted the flowers. Now... well, she's there, accepted you, and you're 16, beating on your chest, sitting on top of the world knowing that you can do this again with another girl. So, you're ready for the next challenge because this one is over. So you're not playing with her mind; human nature is playing with yours.
My advice is for you to talk to the girl, tell her you sent her flowers because you think she's wonderful but you realized you can't be the kind of boyfriend she deserves, at least not yet. Don't try to dance your way out of this. Take the blow and walk away with your head high. Keep in mind that girls can handle the truth better than guys.
If, however, she goes nuts on you, buy her a diamond or a house or something EXPENSIVE. Girls' ability to simmer down is proportional to the cost of the gift you give them.
Tags: advice, dating, valentine, flowers, hurt, gift, girl, guy, boyfriend
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Me and my boyfriend had a big fight over money
nicky, 35, from work asks: Me and my boyfriend had a big fight over money. I said very mean things to him and I even had another guy to approach him. Now he won't give me the time of day or my money back.
VictorM's advice: I don't see a question there but I won't let that stop me from giving you an answer.
Possession is 9/10th of the law, so the saying goes. Depending on the amount of money involved, you can take legal action by filing a suit or going to Small Claims court (if the figure is under a certain amount -- check in your area), but after having said mean things to the guy and sent some guy (I assume to intimidate him?), it's a safe bet your boyfriend is not worried about appearing unfair to you. And if it's your word against his, that is, you have nothing in writing that he has your money, your odds of getting a positive result in court are not very good.
I don't know if you're more interested in getting the money, your boyfriend, or both back. It's highly unlikely you'll get either but couples often fight about stupid stuff and realize it once some time has gone by. Start with an apology. Whatever you do, don't make the money the issue, even if that's what you want most. Give him time to simmer down. If you two could get talking again, who knows what could happen.
If you two meet again, leave your money at home.
Tags: advice, money, relationship, fight, court, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: I don't see a question there but I won't let that stop me from giving you an answer.
Possession is 9/10th of the law, so the saying goes. Depending on the amount of money involved, you can take legal action by filing a suit or going to Small Claims court (if the figure is under a certain amount -- check in your area), but after having said mean things to the guy and sent some guy (I assume to intimidate him?), it's a safe bet your boyfriend is not worried about appearing unfair to you. And if it's your word against his, that is, you have nothing in writing that he has your money, your odds of getting a positive result in court are not very good.
I don't know if you're more interested in getting the money, your boyfriend, or both back. It's highly unlikely you'll get either but couples often fight about stupid stuff and realize it once some time has gone by. Start with an apology. Whatever you do, don't make the money the issue, even if that's what you want most. Give him time to simmer down. If you two could get talking again, who knows what could happen.
If you two meet again, leave your money at home.
Tags: advice, money, relationship, fight, court, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
I wonder if this guy is going to be in my life forever?
acha, 25, from atlanta asks: My ex and me broke almost 8 months ago. We have been in a relationship on and off for about 4 years. We are both from the same background and met here in Atlanta. We broke up because he's not a committed person, he doesn't like being with one girl. We enjoy the same activities, we like going out, cooking together but like I said he's not committed and doesn't show his feelings. We still see each others as friends, and sometimes when it happens we have sex. He stills asks but I haven't had sex with him in 5 months. I know he's seeing other girls, and I know I'm not supposed to mess with him. I have one question that bothers me. I wonder if this guy is going to be in my life forever? I mean, he doesn't buy me gifts, he could buy groceries and ask me to cook because he loves my cooking. But do you think he wants to keep me as part of his life because I used to take good care of him, or he's just doing to take advantage of me. Thank you.
VictorM's advice: Forget the gifts, forget the groceries, forget everything else. Focus on this: "he doesn't like being with one girl". Why, oh why would you even want to consider him in your life?
You're someone he likes having sex with. One of many, obviously. But he's not taking advantage of you. You've been a willing participant even after knowing about his sexual escapades with other girls. Doesn't sound like he's even trying to lie to you or hide from you.
The decision as to whether he'll stay in your life is not his to make -- it's yours! You still harbor hopes of some miracle, I can tell. You're fooling yourself; it isn't going to happen.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, commitment
VictorM's advice: Forget the gifts, forget the groceries, forget everything else. Focus on this: "he doesn't like being with one girl". Why, oh why would you even want to consider him in your life?
You're someone he likes having sex with. One of many, obviously. But he's not taking advantage of you. You've been a willing participant even after knowing about his sexual escapades with other girls. Doesn't sound like he's even trying to lie to you or hide from you.
The decision as to whether he'll stay in your life is not his to make -- it's yours! You still harbor hopes of some miracle, I can tell. You're fooling yourself; it isn't going to happen.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, commitment
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Mind games
laniece, 34, from north carolina asks: I had a great guy who I was getting to know. Another guy who lives where he does started telling me some pretty elaborate lies about him. I know that they are lies now. I emailed him from another address to catch him to see if he was a dog and he passed. He told me about it. Well, when this guy(the liar) told me about another situation concerning him, I went back to the email and kind of did some dumb things (said some, too.) He thought someone was stalking him and turned them over to his corporate security and police to find out who it was. Before I knew this I realized I had to tell him about it. I did and he was so hurt. I apologized but later that week he told me that I hurt him, he could no longer trust me and that he never wanted to talk to me ever again. I am so sorry that I hurt him and he is still carrying this hurt. I would like to go to him not for reconciliation but for resolve. He is really a wonderful man and I am sorry that I hurt him. I don't want this to be something he carries in his heart forever. It took so much for him to trust me and I wish I had never hurt him. What should I do?
VictorM's advice: So, if I understand this correctly, twice you took the word of the liar over the great guy. On top of this you played silly test games. And the second of those games was bad enough that the guy called security. That's the summary, right?
For a minute I wondered if your age was a typo and you were really 14. But then, I get a lot of questions from 14 year-old girls and everyone of them has been more mature than you.
Don't worry about the guy. He lost his trust in you, and for a good reason. Let him be. His life will be fine. It's you that you should be worried about. You seem sincere about feeling bad about it all, but the question is: have you really learned anything about trust?
There are no tests in trust. Trust requires an unbinding willingness to be hurt, but the trade off is that only by having unconditional trust can you be anyone's good friend. The moment you need to test someone, it says nothing about them; it just says too much about you, none of it good. If things bother you about anyone you trust, you tell them. You talk. No games.
Sometimes, you trust in vain. People do betray you and lie to you. But that only makes trusting the next person more worthwhile. Your great friend guy will find such a person and he'll be healed. But that person will most likely never be you. Let him be.
Instead of saying "I should have..." say "Next time I will..." and start looking for other friends. Be a great friend to them; give them your trust. Then you too can heal.
Tags: advice, friend, friendship, trust, mind, games
VictorM's advice: So, if I understand this correctly, twice you took the word of the liar over the great guy. On top of this you played silly test games. And the second of those games was bad enough that the guy called security. That's the summary, right?
For a minute I wondered if your age was a typo and you were really 14. But then, I get a lot of questions from 14 year-old girls and everyone of them has been more mature than you.
Don't worry about the guy. He lost his trust in you, and for a good reason. Let him be. His life will be fine. It's you that you should be worried about. You seem sincere about feeling bad about it all, but the question is: have you really learned anything about trust?
There are no tests in trust. Trust requires an unbinding willingness to be hurt, but the trade off is that only by having unconditional trust can you be anyone's good friend. The moment you need to test someone, it says nothing about them; it just says too much about you, none of it good. If things bother you about anyone you trust, you tell them. You talk. No games.
Sometimes, you trust in vain. People do betray you and lie to you. But that only makes trusting the next person more worthwhile. Your great friend guy will find such a person and he'll be healed. But that person will most likely never be you. Let him be.
Instead of saying "I should have..." say "Next time I will..." and start looking for other friends. Be a great friend to them; give them your trust. Then you too can heal.
Tags: advice, friend, friendship, trust, mind, games
I am friends with a set of identical guy twins.
Ilana, 14, from Maryland asks: At school, I am friends with a set of identical guy twins. They look the same, but they act differently. I have a huge thing for one of them (call him #1), and just when we were getting to be great friends, he stops talking to me. I accidentally read in an email to the twins' best friend over his shoulder (oops...) from twin #2 who had just confessed that he has a huge crush on me. I am wondering, does twin #1 (who I like) share mutual feelings? Why did he stop talking to me? And what would happen if I confessed my feelings to him, knowing that it would hurt twin #2?
VictorM's advice: If twin #2 likes you, does it follow that twin #1 also likes you since they are identical twins? Well, after researching this a bit, the best answer I came up with is, no one really knows. Identical twins share a carbon-copy genetic structure but how they react to behavioral factors is unknown. I read nothing that says if one twin falls for one girl the other does too. So, I don't know. (If any reader has more information on this, please let us know).
My guess is that once #1 found out that #2 liked you he stepped out of the way.
Confessing your feelings to #1 would be a mistake all around (and anyone who reads this blog regularly knows why.)
But don't assume that #2 would be hurt if he found out you like #1. Who knows, he might step out of the way, particularly if he knows #1 likes you too.
Since you're so good at finding out things *cough* accidentally, why not let #2 know that you like #1, accidentally, of course, and then step back and watch the fun.
Now I have to go.... all this talk of #1 and #2 is making me wanna go to the little boys' room.
VictorM's advice: If twin #2 likes you, does it follow that twin #1 also likes you since they are identical twins? Well, after researching this a bit, the best answer I came up with is, no one really knows. Identical twins share a carbon-copy genetic structure but how they react to behavioral factors is unknown. I read nothing that says if one twin falls for one girl the other does too. So, I don't know. (If any reader has more information on this, please let us know).
My guess is that once #1 found out that #2 liked you he stepped out of the way.
Confessing your feelings to #1 would be a mistake all around (and anyone who reads this blog regularly knows why.)
But don't assume that #2 would be hurt if he found out you like #1. Who knows, he might step out of the way, particularly if he knows #1 likes you too.
Since you're so good at finding out things *cough* accidentally, why not let #2 know that you like #1, accidentally, of course, and then step back and watch the fun.
Now I have to go.... all this talk of #1 and #2 is making me wanna go to the little boys' room.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Chanel's Comment
Feedback to this Question and Answer:
chanel, 26, from ct says: Making a comment. Thank you for your advice, although I think it was a little harsh with the self respect remarks. You really answer it honestly and it made me realize what a fool I was being and everything you said I knew but I needed to hear it from someone. I do have the willpower and I am going to stop seeing my ex boyfriend and focus on my daughter and myself. I believe the right man will come around when I'm more focused.
Victor's comment: I wish you the best of luck. I know it's not easy being in love with the "wrong person" and it takes a lot of courage to stay away. Heck, even admitting it in a question to a stranger took courage. Be proud of that.
As for the harshness, the thing is I have 2 or 3 paragraphs to make my point. Sometimes I make statements believing the shock value is the best way to reach the intended audience.
Best of luck Chanel, and thanks for the feedback.
chanel, 26, from ct says: Making a comment. Thank you for your advice, although I think it was a little harsh with the self respect remarks. You really answer it honestly and it made me realize what a fool I was being and everything you said I knew but I needed to hear it from someone. I do have the willpower and I am going to stop seeing my ex boyfriend and focus on my daughter and myself. I believe the right man will come around when I'm more focused.
Victor's comment: I wish you the best of luck. I know it's not easy being in love with the "wrong person" and it takes a lot of courage to stay away. Heck, even admitting it in a question to a stranger took courage. Be proud of that.
As for the harshness, the thing is I have 2 or 3 paragraphs to make my point. Sometimes I make statements believing the shock value is the best way to reach the intended audience.
Best of luck Chanel, and thanks for the feedback.
Eye contact, what does it mean?
danielle, 13, from england asks: I like this guy and whenever I see him he is looking at me straight into my eyes. Does he like me??
VictorM's advice: Yeah, he's madly in love with you. He can't stop thinking of you night and day. He feels butterflies in his stomach when he sees you. He has scribbled your name all over his wall.
But... I could be wrong.
Actually, eye contact is a good sign but lots of guys make eye contact with pretty girls. You may not be the only one he makes eye contact with. Let's say you're not invisible to him, and that's a good thing.
VictorM's advice: Yeah, he's madly in love with you. He can't stop thinking of you night and day. He feels butterflies in his stomach when he sees you. He has scribbled your name all over his wall.
But... I could be wrong.
Actually, eye contact is a good sign but lots of guys make eye contact with pretty girls. You may not be the only one he makes eye contact with. Let's say you're not invisible to him, and that's a good thing.
Does he feel the same way about me?
Lauren, 16, from Orange City asks: Well, I have just moved away, and I have this guy friend who I thought I just liked as a friend, but now I'm feeling something different. Does he feel the same way about me?
VictorM's advice: Lauren, I'm flattered but I think you're overestimating my capabilities just a wee bit too much. I need a description to be able to spot the boy and then read his mind from my room. :-p
Seriously, there is only one assumption here that you should make -- that he likes you too. See, if you assume he doesn't like you, then you've already lost. But if you assume he likes you too, you could still win.
So... yeah, of course he feels the same way about you. Give him a call.
VictorM's advice: Lauren, I'm flattered but I think you're overestimating my capabilities just a wee bit too much. I need a description to be able to spot the boy and then read his mind from my room. :-p
Seriously, there is only one assumption here that you should make -- that he likes you too. See, if you assume he doesn't like you, then you've already lost. But if you assume he likes you too, you could still win.
So... yeah, of course he feels the same way about you. Give him a call.
Monday, February 13, 2006
He won't hug me or kiss me
shannon, 14, from oklahoma asks: I have been going out with this guy for 4 months and he won't hug me or kiss me or even tell his parents about me but I don't wanna break up with him cause I like him a lot!
VictorM's advice: Quite possibly, he lives in a home where affection is not common. That he doesn't want to tell his parents may mean that his relationship with them is not a good one. Signs of affection at his house may be even viewed as a sign of weakness.
Another reason this could be happening is that many boys around your age are insecure about their readiness for sex and think that if hugging and kissing happens they may be rushed into sex, which they aren't ready for. Many teen boys have a lot of concerns initially about sex because they worry they aren't big enough, can't last long enough, won't know what to do, etc.
Whichever of the reasons it may be (or maybe even both), your best bet is to start tackling this issue very slowly from two fronts: asking questions about his life, and initiating the contact yourself.
Try to pry a little into his home life, without being too direct. For example, does his mom kiss him goodnight? Does his dad ever hug him? If you ask about his parent's behavior he might be more willing to talk than if you ask questions about his feelings.
You also can try to break the touching barrier. Don't touch him in private places (just in case he feels he's not ready for sex, even if that's not want you want -- he's going to assume that you do). Maybe hold his hand in public. If he's OK with that, next time you're out place his hand around your waist or shoulders. Ease your way into touching, then go on from there, slowly.
By the time you reach him you both may be 75 years old, but hey, it's worth a try.
But be careful what you wish for. Teen boys can go from very timid to very horny faster than the Olson twins can reject a hamburger.
VictorM's advice: Quite possibly, he lives in a home where affection is not common. That he doesn't want to tell his parents may mean that his relationship with them is not a good one. Signs of affection at his house may be even viewed as a sign of weakness.
Another reason this could be happening is that many boys around your age are insecure about their readiness for sex and think that if hugging and kissing happens they may be rushed into sex, which they aren't ready for. Many teen boys have a lot of concerns initially about sex because they worry they aren't big enough, can't last long enough, won't know what to do, etc.
Whichever of the reasons it may be (or maybe even both), your best bet is to start tackling this issue very slowly from two fronts: asking questions about his life, and initiating the contact yourself.
Try to pry a little into his home life, without being too direct. For example, does his mom kiss him goodnight? Does his dad ever hug him? If you ask about his parent's behavior he might be more willing to talk than if you ask questions about his feelings.
You also can try to break the touching barrier. Don't touch him in private places (just in case he feels he's not ready for sex, even if that's not want you want -- he's going to assume that you do). Maybe hold his hand in public. If he's OK with that, next time you're out place his hand around your waist or shoulders. Ease your way into touching, then go on from there, slowly.
By the time you reach him you both may be 75 years old, but hey, it's worth a try.
But be careful what you wish for. Teen boys can go from very timid to very horny faster than the Olson twins can reject a hamburger.
He told me that we should take a break
Mel, 22 from FL asks: My boyfriend and I have been together a little more then two years. He has been stressed out lately due to starting school, working more, and bills. We have been arguing a little bit. Last week he told me that we should take a break. I asked if we are unfixable or if he would want to work through this. He said that he would, but he needs time to himself right now. I asked if we could slowly ease back into our relationship by seeing each other once or twice a week and getting back to us. He said that he would in the future but in the immediate future he needs space. We agreed to talk on Saturdays. It kills me not to know when we will work through this. Do I wait? I really want this to work, but I feel too much space might not be good. Please help. I am just so upset and really miss him.
VictorM's advice: You're worried too much space might not work, but not enough space isn't working like a charm either, is it?
The notion that "too much space might not be good" denotes a lot of insecurity on your part. If that's how you behave with him, you're adding to his stress.
I say give him all the space he wants and cut out all contact unless he initiates it, even on Saturdays. He'll either miss you too and get over this itch, or he'll realize that life is better without you, in which case you're better off finding out sooner rather than later.
If you can't give him the space that explains why he needs the space -- you're the suffocating type.
VictorM's advice: You're worried too much space might not work, but not enough space isn't working like a charm either, is it?
The notion that "too much space might not be good" denotes a lot of insecurity on your part. If that's how you behave with him, you're adding to his stress.
I say give him all the space he wants and cut out all contact unless he initiates it, even on Saturdays. He'll either miss you too and get over this itch, or he'll realize that life is better without you, in which case you're better off finding out sooner rather than later.
If you can't give him the space that explains why he needs the space -- you're the suffocating type.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
This guy gives me some pretty clear signals
erica, 14, from midwest asks: This guy gives me some pretty clear signals that he is interested. But then he'll go and talk to other girls, sit with them, etc. lots of girls, any girl, mostly unpopular and unattractive ones, right in front of me! (He is in all of my classes, too) But he'll always talk to me. Is he attracted or am I just one of the girls he likes to talk to?
VictorM's advice: What you're asking me is if he likes you or he thinks you're unpopular and unattractive, right? Um... let's see.
The flirting with the other girls in front of you, if anything, probably means he likes you. I know, it's dumb logic, but this is how it works from the mind of a teen boy's perspective: he's trying to make himself look more appealing to you be appearing to be cool and clever with girls that in his mind pose no threat to you, hence the flirting with the "un" type girls in front of you.
But the big question is, does he flirt with you in front of them? If he does -- ouch! -- we know what he thinks of you; if he doesn't, then he's thinking you're the perfect girl to get his future alimony check.
VictorM's advice: What you're asking me is if he likes you or he thinks you're unpopular and unattractive, right? Um... let's see.
The flirting with the other girls in front of you, if anything, probably means he likes you. I know, it's dumb logic, but this is how it works from the mind of a teen boy's perspective: he's trying to make himself look more appealing to you be appearing to be cool and clever with girls that in his mind pose no threat to you, hence the flirting with the "un" type girls in front of you.
But the big question is, does he flirt with you in front of them? If he does -- ouch! -- we know what he thinks of you; if he doesn't, then he's thinking you're the perfect girl to get his future alimony check.
Message for GLORIA, 57, from MICHIGAN
My ex-boyfriend texts me all the time now
Steph, 19, from Tennessee asks: My ex-boyfriend texts me all the time now. It's been almost a year and a half since we've been together or seen each other. He always says he misses me and wants to hang out but every time I mention hanging out he says he's too nervous. I'm starting to have feelings for him again and I don't know what to do.
VictorM's advice: A year and a half later neither one of you has found anyone better so you start ignoring all the bad that led to the breakup and start fantasizing that things could be better the second time around. It's crazy but pretty common.
He's keeping you at bay with the texting just in case he can't find someone else. Meanwhile he's stalling by making the excuse that he's nervous. That's bullshit. He's just very reluctant to get back with you. What he's really saying is: you're better than nothing. That's not quite a path to lasting love, is it?
But you're no better. What's motivating you to develop these feelings for him is simply a way of finding the justification for being with someone that's better than nothing.
Should you give it a try? Well, assuming he would even REALLY want that, I think you have nothing to lose as long as you aren't getting your hopes too high. I'm willing to bet that if you get back together nothing good will come out of it, but at least you'll remove that doubt from your head.
VictorM's advice: A year and a half later neither one of you has found anyone better so you start ignoring all the bad that led to the breakup and start fantasizing that things could be better the second time around. It's crazy but pretty common.
He's keeping you at bay with the texting just in case he can't find someone else. Meanwhile he's stalling by making the excuse that he's nervous. That's bullshit. He's just very reluctant to get back with you. What he's really saying is: you're better than nothing. That's not quite a path to lasting love, is it?
But you're no better. What's motivating you to develop these feelings for him is simply a way of finding the justification for being with someone that's better than nothing.
Should you give it a try? Well, assuming he would even REALLY want that, I think you have nothing to lose as long as you aren't getting your hopes too high. I'm willing to bet that if you get back together nothing good will come out of it, but at least you'll remove that doubt from your head.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
How can I tell if he likes me or not?
Jackie, 13, from Massachusetts asks: I really like this kid at my school but he is a year older than me. How can I tell if he likes me or not? And how to get him to talk to me?
VictorM's advice: Scroll down, I answered someone else's question about how you can tell if someone likes you. My answer applies to you.
As for him talking to you, the best way is for you to start talking to him. Do so about something you know he likes (if you don't know what he likes, do some investigating and find out).
If you're not the type to be able to just start talking to him, you can use trickery. Approach him and say: "Excuse me. My friend dared me to talk to you, and she'll make fun of me if you don't. Do you mind talking to me for a little bit?" No guy will say no. So, if you know what he likes, you can ask him about that and then end the talk with "I'm glad she dared me. You're a very cool guy. Let's stay in touch OK?" He'll say yes and you walk away.
Is this manipulative? Sure, but it'll be good preparation for being a typical wife.
Oh, and ask your best friend to dare you talk to him. This way, you don't have to lie.
VictorM's advice: Scroll down, I answered someone else's question about how you can tell if someone likes you. My answer applies to you.
As for him talking to you, the best way is for you to start talking to him. Do so about something you know he likes (if you don't know what he likes, do some investigating and find out).
If you're not the type to be able to just start talking to him, you can use trickery. Approach him and say: "Excuse me. My friend dared me to talk to you, and she'll make fun of me if you don't. Do you mind talking to me for a little bit?" No guy will say no. So, if you know what he likes, you can ask him about that and then end the talk with "I'm glad she dared me. You're a very cool guy. Let's stay in touch OK?" He'll say yes and you walk away.
Is this manipulative? Sure, but it'll be good preparation for being a typical wife.
Oh, and ask your best friend to dare you talk to him. This way, you don't have to lie.
I love my boyfriend but I've fallen for his best mate
rach, 14, from uk asks: I'm going out with this lad but I hardly ever see him besides on weekends, even then it's a lot of trouble to go through. But I really love him. I also think I've fallen for his best mate. Should I reveal my feelings for his mate or stay with my boyfriend and ignore what feelings I have for his mate? What should I do ? plzzzz help :(
VictorM's advice: Whatever you do, do NOT reveal to your boyfriend your feelings for his friend. They are your feelings, they can change at any time, and no good will come out if you tell.
I assume your boyfriend's mate will be easier to see? If that's true, I'll make-up a new saying: a bird close at hand beats a bird far away. (I could make that rhyme if I had more time.) But breakup with your boyfriend first if you decide to see the other guy. Two-timing ain't nice.
But I don't think you love your boyfriend. The issue about it being a lot of trouble to see him wouldn't have come up if you did. I'm sure you like him. Maybe you'll feel sorry if you break his heart. But come on, you do not love him. Love can withstand inconveniences.
VictorM's advice: Whatever you do, do NOT reveal to your boyfriend your feelings for his friend. They are your feelings, they can change at any time, and no good will come out if you tell.
I assume your boyfriend's mate will be easier to see? If that's true, I'll make-up a new saying: a bird close at hand beats a bird far away. (I could make that rhyme if I had more time.) But breakup with your boyfriend first if you decide to see the other guy. Two-timing ain't nice.
But I don't think you love your boyfriend. The issue about it being a lot of trouble to see him wouldn't have come up if you did. I'm sure you like him. Maybe you'll feel sorry if you break his heart. But come on, you do not love him. Love can withstand inconveniences.
My ex-boyfriend and I got back together, but then...
maria ruiz, 18 from usa asks: My ex-boyfriend and I got back together last Valentine's day. We had a great relationship. He told me that I was the one and that he would marry me one day. He also brought me to a wedding and his family commented on how we would get married. His dad died and we got even closer. Then six months later he said that he wanted to breakup and when I asked him why he couldn't give me a straight answer and the one thing he said was that I bought him too much even though I only bought him two things: his birthday gift and a souvenir from Mexico. I still love him very much but why would he break it off if we were so close?
VictorM's advice: If your relationship was great why did you breakup in the first place? Don't bother, I know. The truth is that it wasn't so great. So you got back together and you gave it the old "let's try harder this time" effort. And in that frame of mind he went overboard with the marriage talk and involving his family. I don't think that he was lying; I think he was just trying to convince himself.
Forget how he can't give you a reason for the breakup. When asked, guys will almost never tell the truth about that. They lie, makeup stupid stuff, anything not to hurt your feelings any more than what they already did. If he was heartless he would have told you the truth: that he's not in love with you, that he probably never was but really wanted to try hard because he thinks you're a nice girl. I have no doubt that he likes you. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and his heart doesn't want you.
VictorM's advice: If your relationship was great why did you breakup in the first place? Don't bother, I know. The truth is that it wasn't so great. So you got back together and you gave it the old "let's try harder this time" effort. And in that frame of mind he went overboard with the marriage talk and involving his family. I don't think that he was lying; I think he was just trying to convince himself.
Forget how he can't give you a reason for the breakup. When asked, guys will almost never tell the truth about that. They lie, makeup stupid stuff, anything not to hurt your feelings any more than what they already did. If he was heartless he would have told you the truth: that he's not in love with you, that he probably never was but really wanted to try hard because he thinks you're a nice girl. I have no doubt that he likes you. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and his heart doesn't want you.
Friday, February 10, 2006
I am married and can't stop seeing my ex-boyfriend
chanel, 26, from ct asks: I have been seeing this guy on and off for about nine years. I am currently married and still can't stop seeing my ex-boyfriend or friend whatever you want to call it. I am not in love with my husband and madly in love with my ex-boyfriend. The big problem is that I got pregnant for my husband and decided to have my daughter. My ex-boyfriend didn't want me to have the baby and he says that he can't accept my daughter. My ex-boyfriend has a girlfriend who he has kids with and after I had the baby he moved in with her. I am confused because my ex-boyfriend and I still have a sexual relationship and he always wants me around him all the the time. I want to leave my husband and be with my ex-boyfriend because I can't keep living this lie. My ex-boyfriend tells me that he cares about me and he likes me a lot but he can't tell me that he is in love with me. He tells me that I should stay with my husband since I had my daughter. When I tried to stop seeing him he seems to give me the impression that he wants to be with me and we always seem to end up in the same situation all the time. I guess I am trying to ask you if he's playing games with me and if I should stop seeing him? Does he love me? What should I do about my husband? He knows what's going on I have always told him the truth but he won't leave me.
Victor M's advice: Is he playing games? No, he has been very direct: he doesn't love you, he doesn't want your daughter, he thinks you should stay with your husband. He has also been indirect: he wants you for sex and that's it.
Does he love you? No. Hell he doesn't even respect you. You know, I think if a woman told me she couldn't accept my daughter that I would fry her nipples in pig shit before I would ever share a bed with her.
Should you stop seeing him? You know the answer to this one. The question is, can you stop seeing him? Do you have the willpower? My guess is no. You're addicted to the sex, or to the misery, or whatever keeps taking you back to him. Can you brake that pattern? I don't know. How about trying to look at your daughter every day and remembering what he said about her?
What should you do about your husband? Well, if you don't love him you don't love him. Could things changed if you broke your addiction from this other guy? Maybe. Can you find happiness without him? I doubt it. A woman who is "madly in love" with this guy is hardly the woman who's going to find happiness with another man. But if you decide to leave your husband, don't do it under the illusion of living happily with a man who'll turn your daughter's life into a nightmare. Besides, this guy has made it clear: he doesn't want you, he just needs you from time to time.
To find happiness you don't need your husband, you don't need your ex-boyfriend, and you don't need another man. What you need is to find your self-respect. I can't do that for you.
Tags: advice, cheating, relationship, ex-boyfriend, husband, breakup
Victor M's advice: Is he playing games? No, he has been very direct: he doesn't love you, he doesn't want your daughter, he thinks you should stay with your husband. He has also been indirect: he wants you for sex and that's it.
Does he love you? No. Hell he doesn't even respect you. You know, I think if a woman told me she couldn't accept my daughter that I would fry her nipples in pig shit before I would ever share a bed with her.
Should you stop seeing him? You know the answer to this one. The question is, can you stop seeing him? Do you have the willpower? My guess is no. You're addicted to the sex, or to the misery, or whatever keeps taking you back to him. Can you brake that pattern? I don't know. How about trying to look at your daughter every day and remembering what he said about her?
What should you do about your husband? Well, if you don't love him you don't love him. Could things changed if you broke your addiction from this other guy? Maybe. Can you find happiness without him? I doubt it. A woman who is "madly in love" with this guy is hardly the woman who's going to find happiness with another man. But if you decide to leave your husband, don't do it under the illusion of living happily with a man who'll turn your daughter's life into a nightmare. Besides, this guy has made it clear: he doesn't want you, he just needs you from time to time.
To find happiness you don't need your husband, you don't need your ex-boyfriend, and you don't need another man. What you need is to find your self-respect. I can't do that for you.
Tags: advice, cheating, relationship, ex-boyfriend, husband, breakup
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Always phoning me
sarah, 16, from cardiff asks: This guy I like is always phoning me and we have kissed and that but every time I go out I kiss some other lad to make him jealous. He flirts with my friends but only when I'm around. Do you know if he likes me or not?
VictorM's advice: Of course he likes you but you're both playing silly games. Nothing good will come out of these games other than you could blow a chance at being together.
Trying to get someone else jealous will most likely attract their attention, but not good attention. The worst part is that if you do get together you won't trust the other. And without trust you have nothing but hell.
So Sarah, grow-up and stop playing games where there are no winners.
VictorM's advice: Of course he likes you but you're both playing silly games. Nothing good will come out of these games other than you could blow a chance at being together.
Trying to get someone else jealous will most likely attract their attention, but not good attention. The worst part is that if you do get together you won't trust the other. And without trust you have nothing but hell.
So Sarah, grow-up and stop playing games where there are no winners.
What are the clear signals a guy is interested?
Nicole, 21, from Durban asks: What are the clear signals a guy is interested? He is a very good looking guy who is very loud spoken and friendly to everyone. However he says things like he flirted with me when we first met and points out things I do. We make eye contact but I don't know if it is me looking at him or is it the both of us. Tell me what to look for please.
VictorM's advice: What you want to do is look for changes in his behavior when you are around. When you arrive at where he is, if he was talking loud does he quiet down? If he was standing still does he start pacing? Does he move from where he was sitting to get a better look at you? I'm only listing examples, but that's the sort of thing you want to look for.
Forget the flirting. Guys and girls flirt with people they like and also with people they don't like just for practice or because it's their personality to be flirty. Contrary to popular belief, flirting means nothing. After all, that construction worker with the pot belly that flirts with you probably isn't in love with you.
Forget the eye contact. Many times people make eye contact with another just because they have a booger on their nose or they can't believe how hideous the other person looks. Making eye contact means nothing.
Remember: changed behavior is the key. Well... that or buying you a red Ferrari.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, behavior, flirt, flirting
VictorM's advice: What you want to do is look for changes in his behavior when you are around. When you arrive at where he is, if he was talking loud does he quiet down? If he was standing still does he start pacing? Does he move from where he was sitting to get a better look at you? I'm only listing examples, but that's the sort of thing you want to look for.
Forget the flirting. Guys and girls flirt with people they like and also with people they don't like just for practice or because it's their personality to be flirty. Contrary to popular belief, flirting means nothing. After all, that construction worker with the pot belly that flirts with you probably isn't in love with you.
Forget the eye contact. Many times people make eye contact with another just because they have a booger on their nose or they can't believe how hideous the other person looks. Making eye contact means nothing.
Remember: changed behavior is the key. Well... that or buying you a red Ferrari.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, behavior, flirt, flirting
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
I think this guy likes me but I'm not sure
me, 15, from canada asks: I think this guy likes me but I'm not sure. He usually stares with his mouth hanging open and will start talking A LOT when he sees me, or he will try to get my attention. One time he sang to me. And we have never even talked. But recently I was walking behind him and he looked back at me but he looked kinda confused. What does that mean? Does he not like me?
VictorM's advice: He sang to you... mouth hangs open... talks a lot when he sees you... of course he likes you. He can't stop thinking about you.
He was taken by surprise when you were walking behind him and he didn't know what to do at that time. I wouldn't be surprised if he looked confused because, well, he was confused.
Lots of people almost forget how to walk if someone they really like is walking behind them. It's true. It's like they almost lose their balance and have to remind themselves to get one foot ahead of the other. I bet that's what happened to him.
Now, don't go stalking the poor guy and sneaking up behind him just for fun.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, stalking
VictorM's advice: He sang to you... mouth hangs open... talks a lot when he sees you... of course he likes you. He can't stop thinking about you.
He was taken by surprise when you were walking behind him and he didn't know what to do at that time. I wouldn't be surprised if he looked confused because, well, he was confused.
Lots of people almost forget how to walk if someone they really like is walking behind them. It's true. It's like they almost lose their balance and have to remind themselves to get one foot ahead of the other. I bet that's what happened to him.
Now, don't go stalking the poor guy and sneaking up behind him just for fun.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, stalking
Would you go out with a girl that was your best friend
Karina, 13, from Watsonville asks: Would you go out with a girl that was your best friend as a girl?
VictorM's advice: Yes! Relationships that start with friendship are the best kind.
A boy and a girl are best friends because obviously there is something about the other that they like. That's a much better place to start a relationship than "she's got great boobs".
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, friend, friendship
VictorM's advice: Yes! Relationships that start with friendship are the best kind.
A boy and a girl are best friends because obviously there is something about the other that they like. That's a much better place to start a relationship than "she's got great boobs".
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, friend, friendship
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
My ex-boyfriend calls me, telling me how great his life is
Sissy, 27, from sacramento asks: My ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I met someone else, then months down the road, my ex-boyfriend calls me, telling me how great his life is, new truck, new girlfriend. I'm thinking why are you telling me this? Well we started talking and he didn't like the way my boyfriend acted towards me. Then one day we where talking and I told him that I broke up with my boyfriend, he sounded really happy, then he's telling me that he is not going to marry her. Then months down the road, I called my ex-boyfriend cell, 2 seconds later it shows on my phone he was calling me back, from my surprise it was his girlfriend telling me that he had a girlfriend and she new my name. I asked her if they where married she said no, that they will be and I hung up on her. I am upset, that my ex-boyfriend didn't say anything to me that it was a problem when I called, he told me previously that she wasn't a jealous type. I believe he should have told me there was a problem, instead of sicking his girlfriend on me. What is he doing?
VictorM's advice: He's being an ex, pure and simple. In that role, he has no commitment to you, has no responsibility to tell you anything, and has all the freedom to mess with your mind. STOP TALKING TO HIM.
In fact, stop talking to any ex. Most exes will just cause you grief, none will make you happy.
EXES ARE EVIL! Remember that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, ex, exes, breakup, ex-boyfriend
VictorM's advice: He's being an ex, pure and simple. In that role, he has no commitment to you, has no responsibility to tell you anything, and has all the freedom to mess with your mind. STOP TALKING TO HIM.
In fact, stop talking to any ex. Most exes will just cause you grief, none will make you happy.
EXES ARE EVIL! Remember that.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, ex, exes, breakup, ex-boyfriend
I recently broke up with my boyfriend
Abigail, 18, from South Carolina asks: I recently broke up with my boyfriend. We were VERY close and together for 2 1/2 years, but he seems very distant now and hangs out all the time with this girl everyone told me he was too close to while we were dating. Why is he acting so differently and doing things he KNOWS will hurt me?
VictorM's advice: Your feelings are no longer a concern of his. There may be a sense of satisfaction on his part knowing that your life, without him, isn't as much fun. Maybe that's what he's striving for.
But you two brokeup. So he's free to see whomever he chooses and it makes sense he would see someone he was close to. You need to consider that he may not be doing things to hurt you. Maybe, just maybe, he's not making decisions with you in mind anymore. But in any case, the hurt isn't coming from him, it's coming from you.
The hurt will only stop when you rise above it. And that doesn't have anything to do with him; it has all to do with you finding happiness elsewhere. So start looking to be happy and stop dwelling about who he sees.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, hurt, distant, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: Your feelings are no longer a concern of his. There may be a sense of satisfaction on his part knowing that your life, without him, isn't as much fun. Maybe that's what he's striving for.
But you two brokeup. So he's free to see whomever he chooses and it makes sense he would see someone he was close to. You need to consider that he may not be doing things to hurt you. Maybe, just maybe, he's not making decisions with you in mind anymore. But in any case, the hurt isn't coming from him, it's coming from you.
The hurt will only stop when you rise above it. And that doesn't have anything to do with him; it has all to do with you finding happiness elsewhere. So start looking to be happy and stop dwelling about who he sees.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, hurt, distant, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Monday, February 06, 2006
I've had my eye on this particular guy at my school
Kathleen, 19 from Atlanta asks: I've had my eye on this particular guy at my school for a couple months. Starting this semester we've been hanging out and both of our circles of friends has merged. The last three weekends in a row we have managed to make out, every Friday and Saturday. We didn't exchange phone numbers until the end of the second weekend. He doesn't ever initiate any communication. I've texted him and talked to him online. Is he afraid of the phone? His fraternity formal is in less than a month. I don't know of any other girls he's talking to. Why doesn't he call me? Is it OK for me to call him? I really like him. I thought he liked me back. We always have such a good time and laugh when we're together...
VictorM's advice: Just because he has a good time with you doesn't mean: 1) that you're the only one with whom he has a good time; 2) that he's emotionally involved (remember, guys don't attach the same emotional feelings to physical contact that girls do); 3) that he wants to change the status quo.
Most guys don't like the phone, but obviously he doesn't feel the need to contact you or he would, one way or another. But you also say you don't know if he's talking to other girls -- you should find out.
There's nothing wrong with you calling and continuing to enjoy his company. Just don't jump to the conclusion that his intentions are the same as yours.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, phone, call, makeout
VictorM's advice: Just because he has a good time with you doesn't mean: 1) that you're the only one with whom he has a good time; 2) that he's emotionally involved (remember, guys don't attach the same emotional feelings to physical contact that girls do); 3) that he wants to change the status quo.
Most guys don't like the phone, but obviously he doesn't feel the need to contact you or he would, one way or another. But you also say you don't know if he's talking to other girls -- you should find out.
There's nothing wrong with you calling and continuing to enjoy his company. Just don't jump to the conclusion that his intentions are the same as yours.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, phone, call, makeout
I went out last night and kissed another guy
janette, 21, from south-africa asks: I have this one guy friend, when we met I knew that he liked me, but I only liked him as a friend. After about 4 months we started going out, then after about another month he left me and his reason was that his friends bullied him into it. Now we speak to one another and I really love him a lot, but he gives me no reason for thinking that he still likes me. But I went out last night and kissed another guy and now him and all of his friends are upset about it. Does it mean that he now still likes me?
VictorM's advice: No, it doesn't mean he still likes you. As a matter of fact, if I understood you correctly, he never liked you. Any guy around your age that says he did something because his friends bullied him is most likely making it up or never had much interest to begin with. I'd say he was never really interested and after 4 months bailed out.
Guys are territorial. Even if they don't like you enough to want to be your boyfriend if you're kissing some other guy that's not part of the territory, they won't like it. This guy isn't upset because he has feelings for you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, bully, territory, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: No, it doesn't mean he still likes you. As a matter of fact, if I understood you correctly, he never liked you. Any guy around your age that says he did something because his friends bullied him is most likely making it up or never had much interest to begin with. I'd say he was never really interested and after 4 months bailed out.
Guys are territorial. Even if they don't like you enough to want to be your boyfriend if you're kissing some other guy that's not part of the territory, they won't like it. This guy isn't upset because he has feelings for you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, bully, territory, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Message to marilyn
Marilyn from Texas: I answered your question over at the Singles Center blog.
He has been completely blowing me off
Alicia, 19 from Indiana asks: The first day of English class this semester, as soon as I walked in the room this guy named Jeff struck me but I didn't say anything to him the entire day. That night, he looked me up on facebook.com (even though he didn't know my last name) and messaged me saying for me not to think he's a stalker, but that I caught his eye. About a week later, he sent me another asking me to hang out with him that weekend after his team dinner. So we went out and he brought a friend and I brought a friend along as well... and we really hit it off. I have never had a first date go so well, it was just perfect. That night he sent me ANOTHER message saying that he had a really good time and we should hang out again soon, and that week in class my seat next to him was taken so he carried his chair all the way over to sit at my desk with me! But for the last 4 or 5 days, he has been completely blowing me off. He says he can't do anything because of swimming and his homework, but that didn't seem to stop him a week ago. Last night in class I was definitely a little cold towards him because of it, but he still acted like nothing was wrong. Do you think he's still into me or just making excuses? I'm usually never the pursuer, but that's what I feel like I am now and I don't like it!
VictorM's advice: Yeah, he's still into you but he no longer has to work as hard cause he's gotten your attention already. So to him, things are as they need to be. Whatever you do next, do NOT pursue him. Continue to stay cool but nice.
When it comes to relationships, guys generally become lazy once they feel secure in that relationship. So yeah, even though he was busy before he found the time for you because he was in the conquering phase. Unless you continue to make him work for you, he'll continue this lazy behavior. You have to remove his sense of security.
When I suggest to girls to remove that sense of security in their relationships, I'm accused of encouraging mind games. But that's not it. I think of it as a motivational incentive. If you don't do it, expect him to continue to take you for granted.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, motivation
VictorM's advice: Yeah, he's still into you but he no longer has to work as hard cause he's gotten your attention already. So to him, things are as they need to be. Whatever you do next, do NOT pursue him. Continue to stay cool but nice.
When it comes to relationships, guys generally become lazy once they feel secure in that relationship. So yeah, even though he was busy before he found the time for you because he was in the conquering phase. Unless you continue to make him work for you, he'll continue this lazy behavior. You have to remove his sense of security.
When I suggest to girls to remove that sense of security in their relationships, I'm accused of encouraging mind games. But that's not it. I think of it as a motivational incentive. If you don't do it, expect him to continue to take you for granted.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, motivation
This lad told me that he loves me
jess, 14 from uk asks: Well, this lad told me that he loves me and I love him too. He doesn't stop talking about me in school to his mates and he is going to ask me out soon. Everyone in my school keeps asking me if i'm going out with him but I'm not at the moment, so I say no. But everyone thinks I am. If i do decide to get seeing him I don't want it going round the whole school. He doesn't like keeping secrets but I feel that I would rather keep it a secret. Everyone thinks we are going out anyway so should I just tell everybody? Or should I keep it secret? I don't want everyone to pick on me because of it ... so whats the best option ? plz help me :(
VictorM's advice: OK, let's take this in order. You're not seeing him now, so when they ask if you two are going out, the answer is no. If he asks you out and you accept, it would be silly to try to keep it a secret -- everyone will know, so the answer is yes. You don't have to go announce it to anyone if you don't want, but forget about keeping it a secret -- it's not going to happen. Guys like to brag about getting a girl.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, secret, brag
VictorM's advice: OK, let's take this in order. You're not seeing him now, so when they ask if you two are going out, the answer is no. If he asks you out and you accept, it would be silly to try to keep it a secret -- everyone will know, so the answer is yes. You don't have to go announce it to anyone if you don't want, but forget about keeping it a secret -- it's not going to happen. Guys like to brag about getting a girl.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, secret, brag
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Why are ex-boyfriends so mean?
ali, 15, from yankton asks: Why are ex-boyfriends so mean to you when all's you been doing is trying to ignore them and sometimes make them jealous?
VictorM's advice: Usually because they're jerks but in this case, because you're the jerk.
Tags: advice, jerk, relationship, ex-boyfriend, jealous, mean, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: Usually because they're jerks but in this case, because you're the jerk.
Tags: advice, jerk, relationship, ex-boyfriend, jealous, mean, boyfriend, girlfriend
I could never forget how special you are
Bridget, 12, from: West Haven, CT asks: Hi there. I had a question about this present I got for my boyfriend. I got him a heart sized candy box and on the front it says,"YOU ROCK". For the card it has a dog sleeping with a party hat on saying, "I may have snoozed on your birthday..." Then inside it says,"...but I could never forget how special you are." Happy Belated Birthday Love, Bridget. What do you think? Is it a good present for my boyfriend's birthday?
VictorM's advice: Good present?! Are you kidding? That's awesome. Heck, he's going to be so impressed he might even ask you to marry him. And if he doesn't let me know -- I'm looking for a bride. :)
Serioulsy, that is very nice. I'm sure he's gonna like it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, birthday, belated boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: Good present?! Are you kidding? That's awesome. Heck, he's going to be so impressed he might even ask you to marry him. And if he doesn't let me know -- I'm looking for a bride. :)
Serioulsy, that is very nice. I'm sure he's gonna like it.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, birthday, belated boyfriend, girlfriend
I think you are a nice person but...
Elizabeth, 23, from fontana asks: If you ask a guy in the workplace if he likes you and he says says: "I think you are a nice person but I'm not looking for a relationship right now" what does that mean?
VictorM's advice: It means he's not interested in you, at all. But hey, don't let that deter you. There's a fair number of couples who started from seemingly no attraction at all to even stated hate for each other.
Don't ask him anymore. Don't even appear that you're interested. But continue to be nice, be friendly, make him feel important around you, pay him subtle compliments, and who knows... he could have a change of heart.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, friendly, coworker, compliments, attraction
VictorM's advice: It means he's not interested in you, at all. But hey, don't let that deter you. There's a fair number of couples who started from seemingly no attraction at all to even stated hate for each other.
Don't ask him anymore. Don't even appear that you're interested. But continue to be nice, be friendly, make him feel important around you, pay him subtle compliments, and who knows... he could have a change of heart.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, friendly, coworker, compliments, attraction
He keeps sending me mixed messages
sarah, 17, from england asks: I can't tell whether a boy at college likes me or not. He keeps sending me mixed messages, and has called me sexy. His friends have made it so obvious that he likes me, yet he can be quite mean. He throws paper at me and constantly calls my name. I'm sooo confused, becauses I like him to.
VictorM's advice: Read the answer below. The same answer applies to you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, mean, mixed, messages, confused
VictorM's advice: Read the answer below. The same answer applies to you.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, mean, mixed, messages, confused
I don't know if he likes me back
Amanda, 15, from michigan asks: There is this guy at school who I like but I don't know if he likes me back. He lives near me and we talk quite a bit but I really don't know. He can be really rude and he is always messing with me but there are times when he is really nice, like when I got locked out of my house. He stood around with me for about 45 minutes after school, making me laugh and planning ways of breaking in. I really need someone besides my best friend's point of view this time. Can you please just tell me if any of the things I've said are signs? Thank you, peace out.
VictorM's advice: Everything you said are signs that he likes you. Believe it or not, the being rude to you at times is probably the biggest sign.
See, this boy likes and seeks your attention. But he's not sure if you like him back. And guys hate rejection (who doesn't, right?) So, if word gets out that he likes you and it turns out you don't like him back, he's crushed and humiliated in front of his friends. But, if it's noticeable to everyone that he's rude to you, he's safe in that he can always say that he never liked you (being rude to you gives him that cover). If he wasn't interested in you, he'd either be rude most of the time or nice always.
So now the question is, what are you gonna do about it? (I won't tell you what to do cause you didn't ask. :-p )
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, friend, rude, laugh
VictorM's advice: Everything you said are signs that he likes you. Believe it or not, the being rude to you at times is probably the biggest sign.
See, this boy likes and seeks your attention. But he's not sure if you like him back. And guys hate rejection (who doesn't, right?) So, if word gets out that he likes you and it turns out you don't like him back, he's crushed and humiliated in front of his friends. But, if it's noticeable to everyone that he's rude to you, he's safe in that he can always say that he never liked you (being rude to you gives him that cover). If he wasn't interested in you, he'd either be rude most of the time or nice always.
So now the question is, what are you gonna do about it? (I won't tell you what to do cause you didn't ask. :-p )
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, friend, rude, laugh
Friday, February 03, 2006
I have just broken up with my boyfriend again
Ruth, 30, from uk asks: I have just broken up with my boyfriend again. He is 41, and has never been married or had kids. I think he is a wonderful person, but I do think he has a lot of issues with commitment. We have broken up a total of 4 times, and the last time we got back he said we would get married, and move in together - just not yet. So I gave it a bit of time, but he is still afraid to even arrange a holiday. He keeps promising to get his life together, but nothing happens. I am nearly 2 years with this man, in and out of things. The last thing I asked him was what exactly he wanted, his response is "I don't know what I want" so I said, well I know what I want which is marriage and kids, and I said it is OK not to want the same thing. He said he has known for the last six months that this is how he felt. My question to you, is if he comes back (I will not be contacting him) will I be wasting my time? Thanks.
VictorM's advice: It's possible that sooner or later he might change his mind, but if you gamble on that, the odds are not in your favor. Unlike you, he really doesn't have a biological clock ticking away, so clearly you got more to lose than to gain by waiting.
This pattern of breaking-up and making-up is not a good indication of emotional stability (his and yours). One definition for insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. You gotta stop it.
People often point out one flaw on a partner (in this case, lack of commitment) and say but otherwise he's a wonderful man. The problem with that statement is that when we're talking about relationships, without commitment you have nothing. So in that sense, he's not a wonderful man; he's nothing!
You'll just be fooling yourself if you take him back.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, commitment, marriage, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: It's possible that sooner or later he might change his mind, but if you gamble on that, the odds are not in your favor. Unlike you, he really doesn't have a biological clock ticking away, so clearly you got more to lose than to gain by waiting.
This pattern of breaking-up and making-up is not a good indication of emotional stability (his and yours). One definition for insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. You gotta stop it.
People often point out one flaw on a partner (in this case, lack of commitment) and say but otherwise he's a wonderful man. The problem with that statement is that when we're talking about relationships, without commitment you have nothing. So in that sense, he's not a wonderful man; he's nothing!
You'll just be fooling yourself if you take him back.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, commitment, marriage, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
He hasn't text for 2 weeks
marie, 15 from ireland asks: I met this falla before and we always text each other but he hasn't text for 2 weeks. I've tried calling him but he doesn't answer. Does he still like me?
Victor's advice: Unless something happened to him like he fell on a ditch or is being held in a secret prison by the American government, nah, he's outgrown you.
Stuff like this just happens all the time. I'm sure you've outgrown friends. And if you haven't, you will. Don't even try to wonder why; people just outgrow each other, sometimes for reasons we don't even understand ourselves.
And in typical guy fashion, he'll hide from you.
Tags: advice, dating, text, phone, outgrow
Victor's advice: Unless something happened to him like he fell on a ditch or is being held in a secret prison by the American government, nah, he's outgrown you.
Stuff like this just happens all the time. I'm sure you've outgrown friends. And if you haven't, you will. Don't even try to wonder why; people just outgrow each other, sometimes for reasons we don't even understand ourselves.
And in typical guy fashion, he'll hide from you.
Tags: advice, dating, text, phone, outgrow
I was hoping that someday we would be more than friends.
buzzie, 27, from Canada asks: A guy friend of mine had to move away for a job in another province. I was hoping that someday we would be more than friends. When he told me he was moving away, I was really upset and I said "so I guess this is the last time we'll be seeing each other". Well then he got upset and said he still wanted to visit me. Then he offered to give me his computer!! This is so we could stay in contact. He just offered it to me without me asking for one. The day that he dropped it off I gave him a circle of friendship candle. He was really touched and then said in a soft voice that he would think of me every time he looked at it. Do you think that he likes me as more than a friend?
VictorM's advice: He might like you as more than friends but nothing of what you wrote suggests that. I gathered from your question that he likes talking to you, he's generous, and he was touched by your gift. Well, that could have described your pastor.
buzzie, if you want him as more than friends you gotta do more than talk -- you gotta jump this dude's bones.
OK, you don't have to take me literally there. But a circle of friendship candle? Come on! Maya legend holds that if you give a Circle of Friends to someone you like, you will have a friend forever. Personally I think you sent him the wrong message.
OK, take me literally -- jump his bones!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, friendship, distance, gift
VictorM's advice: He might like you as more than friends but nothing of what you wrote suggests that. I gathered from your question that he likes talking to you, he's generous, and he was touched by your gift. Well, that could have described your pastor.
buzzie, if you want him as more than friends you gotta do more than talk -- you gotta jump this dude's bones.
OK, you don't have to take me literally there. But a circle of friendship candle? Come on! Maya legend holds that if you give a Circle of Friends to someone you like, you will have a friend forever. Personally I think you sent him the wrong message.
OK, take me literally -- jump his bones!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, friendship, distance, gift
Thursday, February 02, 2006
I get this feeling he is leading me on
ally, 17, from indiana asks: I broke up with my boyfriend of three years because we have been going down hill. The trouble is is that I am falling for another guy. I like him and we call and hang out all the time. He says he wants to go out and everything but I dont know if he is serious. We have so much fun when we are together but I get this feeling he is leading me on. We both just ended our long term relationships because the other parties were cheating. We both know how we feel and it's comforting. Should I ask him what's going on? How should I do that? I am so confused. please help!!! :(
VictorM's advice: You're making an issue out of nothing. You both like each other, you provide comfort for the other, you have fun together... um... what's the problem? He could be leading you on... on to what? You like his company so go with the flow. At any time either one of you could find that the other is not right or that you're rushing. Well, that's what dating is all about. You find out stuff about each other. Until you get turned off by the other, you keep going.
There's nothing to ask him. You already know what's going on; he enjoys your company and you enjoy his. What will happen in the future? He doesn't know anymore than you do. Take it as it comes and meanwhile, enjoy the now.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, commitment, distance, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
VictorM's advice: You're making an issue out of nothing. You both like each other, you provide comfort for the other, you have fun together... um... what's the problem? He could be leading you on... on to what? You like his company so go with the flow. At any time either one of you could find that the other is not right or that you're rushing. Well, that's what dating is all about. You find out stuff about each other. Until you get turned off by the other, you keep going.
There's nothing to ask him. You already know what's going on; he enjoys your company and you enjoy his. What will happen in the future? He doesn't know anymore than you do. Take it as it comes and meanwhile, enjoy the now.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, commitment, distance, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend
He got a new car and was upset I didn't look at it
Maggie, 28 from Moon Valley asks: I've been seeing this guy off and on for the past year. He is 28 as well. At first we were just friends and casually hung out and talked all the time. Then things started progressing to more than friends towards the end of last year. Up until a week ago, he would text me throughout the day and call me every single night and we would hang out every weekend (job hours prevented hanging out during the week). He would say how much he really liked me and to be patient with him and give a chance because he's never really been in a serious relationship and doesn't know what to do. Then started telling me he loved me and that we were getting married and he's never wanted to get married before til he met me. He says he misses me all the time and thinks about me all the time and can't concentrate on much else. Yet he's never made a move on me (has kissed me once while we were out drinking, talked about how great it was and never tried again). All of this and we aren't exclusively boyfriend and girlfriend. I stay the night at his house almost every weekend and an hour after I go home he's wanting me to come back to hang out again! Then last weekend he got a new car and was upset that I didn't come outside to look at it when he never even asked me to! So now I haven't heard from him in a week and the only reason I know why he's mad is because his best friend/roomate called and asked what I did to him because he's been walking around all mopey, barely eating, and hiding out in his room. Another friend told me the same thing yet he refuses to call me or text me. I just don't get it and I'm going crazy trying to figure it out!
VictorM's advice: He got a new car and you didn't rush out to see it?!?! You're the devil!!!
OK, getting serious... aside from the obvious -- that there are a lot of things wrong with this guy -- it's not unusual for a guy to be turned off by what seems to be the smallest thing. It may not have been just that you didn't go to see the car; maybe it's how dismissive you were about it. Maybe there was more to it than what you are telling us or maybe he perceived something that you don't even realise. But obviously he thought getting a new car was a major deal in his life -- most guys think that way -- and your indifference was a major turn off. And if you're indifferent about something so important to him, what are you going to be like about other things? So he's mopping around in his disappointment.
You didn't ask me anything else, so I won't go any further. But I can't resist saying this: he's not talking to you -- you lucky devil! Buy him a pacifier to hang from the rear view mirror of the car!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, commitment, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend, car, sleepover
VictorM's advice: He got a new car and you didn't rush out to see it?!?! You're the devil!!!
OK, getting serious... aside from the obvious -- that there are a lot of things wrong with this guy -- it's not unusual for a guy to be turned off by what seems to be the smallest thing. It may not have been just that you didn't go to see the car; maybe it's how dismissive you were about it. Maybe there was more to it than what you are telling us or maybe he perceived something that you don't even realise. But obviously he thought getting a new car was a major deal in his life -- most guys think that way -- and your indifference was a major turn off. And if you're indifferent about something so important to him, what are you going to be like about other things? So he's mopping around in his disappointment.
You didn't ask me anything else, so I won't go any further. But I can't resist saying this: he's not talking to you -- you lucky devil! Buy him a pacifier to hang from the rear view mirror of the car!
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, commitment, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend, car, sleepover
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
How to make a guy fall in love with me
kim, 16 from welch asks: I would like to know how to make a guy fall in love with me and think that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. I want to be his princess but how can I get him this way?
VictorM's advice: A magic wand?
Actually, just be aware that when two people start feeling attracted to each other, it's never about the other person; it's how that person feels about himself/herself when around the other. What that means is, contrary to public perception, it's not the clothes you wear, the skin you show, or how cool you are. If you make a guy feel intelligent, important, attractive, interesting, funny, etc. around you, he'll seek you out and want to be with you.
Let's say the guy you like is good at math. Praise that skill. If he's wearing something nice, tell him so. If he says something funny tell him now much he makes you laugh. There's two things to remember (two Victor rules, if you will): make the compliments sincere and make them brief! If you lie he'll know it sooner or later. Besides, would you want a guy to get hook on you because you told him he makes you laugh when he really doesn't? Also, if you make the compliment too long, you ruin the impact. Say things like: "Great shirt, John" and then you move on. Or, "How do you know so much?" Then smile and move on.
So, give a guy sincere short compliments and you'll have him by the balls. (I should trademark that line).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, compliment, attract, girl, boy, love
VictorM's advice: A magic wand?
Actually, just be aware that when two people start feeling attracted to each other, it's never about the other person; it's how that person feels about himself/herself when around the other. What that means is, contrary to public perception, it's not the clothes you wear, the skin you show, or how cool you are. If you make a guy feel intelligent, important, attractive, interesting, funny, etc. around you, he'll seek you out and want to be with you.
Let's say the guy you like is good at math. Praise that skill. If he's wearing something nice, tell him so. If he says something funny tell him now much he makes you laugh. There's two things to remember (two Victor rules, if you will): make the compliments sincere and make them brief! If you lie he'll know it sooner or later. Besides, would you want a guy to get hook on you because you told him he makes you laugh when he really doesn't? Also, if you make the compliment too long, you ruin the impact. Say things like: "Great shirt, John" and then you move on. Or, "How do you know so much?" Then smile and move on.
So, give a guy sincere short compliments and you'll have him by the balls. (I should trademark that line).
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, compliment, attract, girl, boy, love
Lately we have been talking sexual stuff!
Liezle Engelke, 23, from Cape Town asks: I have this man in my life, we talk a lot! Sometimes so serious life stuff. Lately we have been talking sexual stuff! And today after the weekend he phoned me out of the blue! Why did he phone me? We did not even talk any sexual stuff! Does he feel attracted to me and want to get to know me?
VictorM's advice: When a man and a woman start talking there are several barriers that set off the alarm that they are on a course to being more than just friends. The topic of sex is one such barrier breaker. So, to him, since you are willing to talk freely about sex, means that he can move on to the next phase, hence the call out of the blue. But the question now is, does he want just sex or does he want more? That I can't say; you'll have to find out for yourself.
He could be after either or he could be after both. The phone call that didn't involve sex could mean he's serious about you and wants to know you better but don't discount that he could just be patient as a way into your pants (you can never discount this possibility when guys are involved).
In any case, it's up to you to decide what you're willing to offer but it's safe to say he has an interest in you. Guys don't call girls just to be phone buddies.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, call, sexual, interest, guy, girl
VictorM's advice: When a man and a woman start talking there are several barriers that set off the alarm that they are on a course to being more than just friends. The topic of sex is one such barrier breaker. So, to him, since you are willing to talk freely about sex, means that he can move on to the next phase, hence the call out of the blue. But the question now is, does he want just sex or does he want more? That I can't say; you'll have to find out for yourself.
He could be after either or he could be after both. The phone call that didn't involve sex could mean he's serious about you and wants to know you better but don't discount that he could just be patient as a way into your pants (you can never discount this possibility when guys are involved).
In any case, it's up to you to decide what you're willing to offer but it's safe to say he has an interest in you. Guys don't call girls just to be phone buddies.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, call, sexual, interest, guy, girl
My boyfriend is extremely jealous
brittani, 19, from louisiana asks: My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years and we have a one year old son together. Things were very good the first 6 months or so but since then things have been pretty bad. My boyfriend is extremely jealous to the point that he has now given me ultimatums between him and female friends of mine, and him and my job. I get yelled at for taking too long going anywhere. No matter what I say he is convinced that I lie about everything. I have never lied to him or been unfaithful yet I am treated like I have. My days revolve around trying not to upset him. Before I do anything I wonder if it is going to set him off. When he gets upset he is constantly locking me out of our house or throwing all of my stuff out. I often think of leaving but things are complicated because of our son. I am a student so I don't have much of an income. I no longer know if I am staying with him because I love him or because of how hard it would be to leave him. How do you know when it is time to move on?
VictorM's advice: You know it's time to move on when you write a question like this.
You should take the time now to make sure you have two kinds of support: financial and emotional. The last thing you want to do is have to go back for one reason or another. Seek family help if that's possible and also look for women's groups to help you. Just make sure you have things lined-up BEFORE you leave so you won't have to depend on your boyfriend.
It's amazing to me that after all you describe you still wonder if you're staying because you "love him". Baffles my mind but I guess it has to do with your hope that somehow he could be turned back to the way he was 6 months ago. Let me tell you clearly: guys like him don't turn back that way. The first few months were fake. A farce. A way to get you. The way he is now is what awaits you going forward. Chances are that it will get worse.
If you're reluctant to do it for yourself, think of your son. Your boyfriend accusing you of cheating or lying doesn't have as much impact on you because you're an adult and you know it's not true. But what about your son? He's going to grow up believing every poison this man injects into him. Don't let that happen.
If you can't leave your boyfriend for yourself, leave him for your son.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, cheating, lying, son, boyfriend, control
VictorM's advice: You know it's time to move on when you write a question like this.
You should take the time now to make sure you have two kinds of support: financial and emotional. The last thing you want to do is have to go back for one reason or another. Seek family help if that's possible and also look for women's groups to help you. Just make sure you have things lined-up BEFORE you leave so you won't have to depend on your boyfriend.
It's amazing to me that after all you describe you still wonder if you're staying because you "love him". Baffles my mind but I guess it has to do with your hope that somehow he could be turned back to the way he was 6 months ago. Let me tell you clearly: guys like him don't turn back that way. The first few months were fake. A farce. A way to get you. The way he is now is what awaits you going forward. Chances are that it will get worse.
If you're reluctant to do it for yourself, think of your son. Your boyfriend accusing you of cheating or lying doesn't have as much impact on you because you're an adult and you know it's not true. But what about your son? He's going to grow up believing every poison this man injects into him. Don't let that happen.
If you can't leave your boyfriend for yourself, leave him for your son.
Tags: advice, dating, relationship, cheating, lying, son, boyfriend, control
