Amanda, 20, from Michigan asks: I want to know if this guy likes me. We go to school together at Oakland University and we live in the same dorm building. We hung out in my room once and didn't even touch. Then a week later I went and hung out in his room and watched movies. The only place to sit is on the bed. I was uncomfortable sitting against the wall so I asked him if I could lay on his lap. He let me and he put his hand on my side. Then after awhile we layed down to watch TV and I had my head on his shoulder and he was holding me. After a bit of time he kissed me. We made out for a long time. He tried to put his hand on my butt but I moved it right away. He turned the TV off and we we kissed some more then things were getting to hot so I said that I should probably go. So he's like yea I snore anyway. So he walked me out and hugged me, I kissed him. So then the day after, today, I talked to him online for like a minute then he had to go to his parents. But he didn't say anything about last night. He said he was getting ready to go to his parents so I said, OK I won't bug you anymore, have fun. And he never said anything back. He's supposed to say, no you're not bugging me, but I have to go, or something like that. So what should I do? Just wait for him to do something or should I pursue it? Because I don't want him to like me because I like him, I want him to like me because he likes me. Thanks

VictorM's advice: I have to disagree that he was suppose to say what you would expect him to say just because that's what you would have said. I can totally understand him keying in on the "OK, have fun" and totally ignoring the "I won't bug you" as purely a form of speech, especially if he was in a hurry. Don't make an issue of it because a guy's mind flies over those types of comments.

I would say don't pursue him. Let him be the one coming after you. If he likes you, he will.

Tags: advice, dating, relationship, movie, kiss, pursue

kitten007, 21, from new york asks: I met a guy online 2 weeks ago and we totally hit it off. We would spend about 5 hours a night on the phone. We then decided that it was time to meet. At 8 o'clock he came to pick me up and we went out. We had a great time, we saw a movie and he even told me keep the stub and write our first date on the back. We had great conversation as usual and totally clicked. Before we met we decided we would tell each other how we felt about one another when we saw each other so than there would be no awkwardness. We both agreed than we wanted to pursue this relationship. Before ending the night he asked me if I wanted to go out tomorrow night, I said sure. So he dropped me off and called me when he got home to say goodnight. He said goodnight, I had a great time and I will call you when I wake up. He didn't call, he still hasn't called, and I am really confused. It's been 3 days. If he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, why not just tell me? What is the point of ignoring me and not answering my phone call. If he didn't want to pursue it, than why make plans for the next day. Please help, I am confused. He said he didn't like games but this is a game.

VictorM's advice: When a guy tells you he doesn't like playing mind games, well, you shouldn't believe him. But anyway, I don't think this is a mind game. He's just being a guy. Let me explain.

Most guys HATE to offend or disappoint a girl. So, whatever he told you that first night, means nothing. It's not that he was being purposely devious; he was just acting on thousands of years of male genes ruling his behavior and following an internal script. The idea is to make the night as pleasant as it can be and live to decide another day. Subconsciously, guys want you to like them, hence all the great things he told you. Again, it's not a game; it's innate behavior. If you like him then his ego is not deflated and he's on the driver's seat.

So ignore what he told you. He went home and he's not so sure about you. Maybe you're one of several dates he lined up (and believe me, he would have told all the girls the same thing.) So now he's going to procrastinate hoping that: 1) you forget about him, or 2) that he comes to realize you're really worth it -- he's not sure yet, or 3) he's thinking "Um... I'll call her tomorrow" (and of course tomorrow hasn't come yet).

By the way, this: "we decided we would tell each other how we felt about one another when we saw each other so than there would be no awkwardness" never works; it just invites lying. Don't bother next time.

So three days have gone by. Unless he was hit by a bus, he's probably moving on. So should you. But learn something from this: next time, take whatever a guy tells you on a first date with a grain of salt. He's not playing mind games; he's just being a guy. The purpose of a first date shouldn't be for you to judge if the guy likes you; it's for you to access your feelings for him. And next time, act a little cooler about things. Let the guy call you, don't call him.

Tags: advice, dating, relationship, phone, confused, online, call

Caroline, 17, from Miami, Florida asks: My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months. We've broken up twice but we've gotten back together and know this is the last time. Our homecoming dance got cancelled because of a hurricane and now there is a new dance. He asked me to the old one when we weren't going out and I accepted. But now he has not asked me to this new dance. Because he is my boyfriend, should I assume that we are just going together? Does he think the invite to the old dance has just extended into this one and that I've still already accepted? What should I do to confront this problem in a way that won't make him uncomfortable?

VictorM's advice: I think it should go without saying that he thinks the invite is on. If you said yes to him when he wasn't your boyfriend, why would there be any question about it now that you two are a couple? I bet he hasn't brought it up because it didn't even cross his mind to question it.

I suggest that you don't even ask, but do verify just to make sure. Don't ask him IF you two are going. That sounds too weak and like you have no confidence in this relationship (by the way, that's exactly what it means). Just bring up the subject in terms of something like transportation, or the colors you'll both be wearing, or something like that. You can gauge from there where he stands on the issue.

Tags: homecoming, dance, relationship, advice, dating, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend

Tara, 25, from Canada asks: I am 25 years old. My ex-boyfriend (also 25) and I broke up about 6 months ago after 3.5 years. I just graduated from University. I have gone away to pursue an athletic career overseas. We talked about this and both discussed the possibility of us breaking up when I left so that we can decide if this is what we really want. At the time I was OK with it, but when the time came (he brought it up) I didn't really want to break up, but I agreed. I knew that he probably had some kind of interest in someone else (as I was away). So I told him that I am open to him doing his own thing but when I get back we will have to make some kind of decision on whether we are going to be committed in the relationship. I dated/slept with other people (I have never done this before -- my ex was my first) and he did as well. I came back at Xmas (only for 2 weeks). He told me that he still needs time and that us starting our relationship up again on a long distance note was not a good idea (I had to go back overseas until March). He told me that he sees himself with me and he loves me but he still needs some time. I know that he has been sleeping with other people (and has never really been like that, so I thinks he wants to experience the whole bachelor lifestyle.) I told him that I need to move on and that he should look me up when he knows what he wants. We have talked a few times on msn and he still tells me that he loves me in his emails. Do you think he will ever commit to me? I am wondering if I should completely cut all ties with him? (like not talk at all or email) I still really love him, but I don't want to be one of the girls that let the guy string them on... and then he finds another girl and decides to marry her. Your advice would be greatly appreciated!Thanks

VictorM's advice: Tara, you both agreed to break up until after you're back. Right? You're NOT back yet! You're being a tad premature.

You say you love him, but you sleep with other people. He says he loves you but he sleeps with other people. What makes you think he's stringing you along any more than you are stringing him alone? What if you're the one who found a foreign athlete to get hooked on? You both are running the same risks.

Why would you cut all ties with a guy you claim to be in love with? What have you got to lose by continuing to talk to him? Nothing, I say. Once you get back for good, then you two can decide what to do next. Could he choose the bachelor life style over you? Yeah, he could. If that happens then you know he's no longer into you, no matter what he says, and you can move on. But you could also find out that after being with other guys, this guy isn't all that you recall.

Will he ever commit to you? I'm not so sure. I can understand him not wanting a long distance relationship, but I find it suspicious that he says he wants more time. That leads me to believe the flame of love for you has dwindled, otherwise, waiting a few more weeks for the girl he loves would be no sweat. But there's one sure way to find out: come back and you'll have your answer. If he still says he needs more time, that means he doesn't really need the time, he's just too chicken to say the obvious -- that it's over between you two.


Tags: commit, distance, relationship, bachelor, dating, breakup, boyfriend, girlfriend, overseas

Vanessa, 22, from Sydney, Australia asks: I wrote a couple of emails to a guy that I like that's in a band, complimenting him on his music etc. He wrote back and said, come up and say hi sometime. I'm pretty shy so I haven't done that, neither has he, but whenever I see him at a gig, I notice him looking at me, and he stands in front of me at times, so he blocks my view of the band playing. Is he not interested or just shy?

VictorM's advice: I'm going to assume that somehow he knows what you look like even though you just emailed him. Otherwise, how would he know who you are?

Well, shyness could be a reason he has not approached you. It's a very common trait among performers. But I don't know if that's the reason. After all, he said for you to "come up and say hi", so clearly the ball is on your court. It's up to you to make the move. Unless you approach him he could be thinking you lost interest.

Is he interested in you? I have no idea. There is a certain ego with being a band member, particularly when they are on stage. And knowing that you like him frees him to play games with you. But I'm sure you're not the only one sending him emails about his music and how much they like him. So I have no idea what would make you think that you stand out from all the other girls.

I know it's hard if you're shy, but you have to take one small step. Just walk up to him and say Hi. If you feel tongue-tied, just say you don't want to take too much of his time but when he's free to stop by and say hello. There. Now the ball is on his court. If he comes by, you know he's interested. I have no doubt you two will find plenty to talk about.

But depending on how popular the band is, don't be surprised if he doesn't know who you are. This reminds me of the Lynyrd Skynyrd song:

Won't you come upstairs girl
And have a drink of champagne

What's your name, little girl?
What's your name?

9 o'clock the next day
And I'm ready to go
I got six hundred miles to ride
To do one more show
Can I get you a taxi home?
It sure was grand
When I come back here next year
I wanna see you again

What was your name, little girl?
What's your name?

magpie, almost40, says: How can you trust someone when they keep lying to you? Is it not cheating when you interact with someone you don't know? When they do it behind your back. I'm very angry and upset, need to vent, need someone I can trust. My brain says one thing but my heart says another. What do I do?

VictorM's advice: Is he cheating? It's important for you to understand how guys think. As youth erodes around us (guys know because we start growing ear and nose hair -- I know, yuck) there is a desire to hang on to youth. One of the many ways of doing that is feeling attractive to other women, usually younger women. Many guys flirt to fulfill that illusion. So is your guy carrying-on with the intention to follow-up on the interaction or is he simply satisfying his need to feel attractive? The difference between the two is a key differentiator between cheating and daydreaming. So, is he fooling you or fooling himself?

But anyway, going back to your very first question, you can't trust anyone who keeps lying to you. And that makes any relationship hell because you're always hearing a lie even when it's the truth or a fantasy.

The brain and the heart can work together. Take a step back and give it a shot.

emica, 16, from longview tx asks: Why do I still miss my ex even though we split but were together for 2 weeks? And I am in a new relationship. Is this normal?

VictorM's advice: Yes, it's very normal. It's just that our bodies and minds crave comfort and familiarity. We easily adapt to people around us and our bodies need time to get someone "out of our system". You're still in that mode.

Don't worry about it. You're just still in the healthy period of purging him from your life and letting the new guy take his place.

Shantel, 17, from co asks: Am I stupid or am I just blind? So everybody constantly tells me that my boyfriend doesn't treat me right. In fact their exact words are that he treats me like shit. And you would think that if others that just observe things could recognize that and bring it to my attention that I would feel the same way. But as crazy as it may sound I don't think that he treats me like shit. Is it because I love him so much that I don't want to see that he really is treating me like shit? I mean, he makes me so damn mad, but I just don't know. I need to know what a guy thinks. A real guys point of view.

VictorM's advice: If you don't think he treats you like shit, then he doesn't treat you like shit. It's that simple. Could you be blind to obvious flaws in his character? Sure, it happens all the time. But you have to be the one to discover those, not your friends.

So your boyfriend gets you mad. Maybe that says more about your temper than it says about his behavior. Maybe what you call love is just habit. Maybe aggravation is something you can't live without and he supplies plenty of that.

Maybe people around you are sick and tired of you complaining about him (I'm assuming you do). You should consider stopping. They are just being good friends if they point out the obvious. I mean, they wouldn't be good friends unless they tried to open your eyes. If this is the case, try to find someone else to vent about boyfriend so as not to aggravate your friends (but then again, aggravating them could be how you get by.)

You know, you really should examine how often during your day aggravation -- either yours or those around you -- is part of your life. I believe people are addicted to their behavior and they need a fix once in a while; your addition could be anger. And so you piss off your boyfriend, who then pisses you off, and then you complain to those around you to the point that it pisses them off, then you get pissed off at them. It's a vicious cycle and you, not your boyfriend and not your friends, are the ones at the center of it.

I don't think your situation involves stupidity. You could just be an example of two wrongs that somehow get along by constantly feeding each others needs, even if the needs are negative ones. Like Bonnie and Clyde. Like Whitney and Bobby. Like Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.

Nora, 18, from US asks: This guy bought something from me online, and then it turned out that we go to the same school. We just decided to meet up there so he'd pay me and get it. I only had a really short conversation with him (for like 1 minute) while we were exchanging money and stuff, and that was it. Now we're back to being strangers. The only difference is that I think (err...know) I'm attracted to him. I only see him SOMETIMES in the hallway, but as I said…strangers. I have his number (he gave it me so I could find him for the exchange). Do I call him? and if I do, what do I say? Do I just start a convo? I don't know. Or is better to e-mail him, what do I say in the e-mail? Would adding him on msn freak him out? I seriously have no idea what to do. Any ideas? (We go to a pretty big college, so its hard to find him, and he's not in my grade, so I don't know anyone who knows him!)

VictorM's advice: Nora, I can tell you with 100% certainty that this guy will be happy if you make contact with him. He may have a girlfriend, he may be gay, or he may not have been impressed by you. But none of that matters. His ego will skyrocket if you contact him.

If you see him around campus, greet him using his name ("Hi John") and say something like: "I'm going to get a soda. Care to join me?" This is simple, non-threatening, and gives him an out without offending you. If you have his email or want to use MSN, introduce yourself (just to make sure he remembers you) and say you see him around campus once in a while and you'd like to meet up for *fill in the blank*.

I guarantee you that no matter how you contact him and say that you'd like to meet and chat, have a coke or coffee, whatever, that he will be happy about it. What happens after that I can't say, but there is no reason for not contacting him. He will not freak him out; you'll make his day.

Report back to us telling us how it went. :)

Good luck!

Heather, 16, from Australia asks: Let me just start by giving you kudos for some of your impeccable advice giving, I’ve asked you questions before in the past and your responses have been nothing less than comforting and satisfying, thank you. This is a pretty basic question, and the answer may be obvious, but I really need a decent insight on this. I’ve only ever shaved my legs completely once. Not only does it sting and cause rashes, I fail to see the point. There is a prickly aftermath and it’s time consuming. How has it become such a growing trend? Sure the silky smooth legs are nice on occasion, but for me it wore off after about a day, after sitting in my bathroom for over 3 hours (even that could have been just caused from inexperience)… A fair few of the people I know seem to have a lot of trouble dealing with the fact that I have leg hair believe it or not, both girls and guys, and my previous boyfriends never mentioned it being a problem. The main reason I asked you this is because, I was having a conversation with who I thought was a pretty cool guy, until he became hooked on the idea that I needed to change who I am. Apparently just about all guys don’t like girls that don’t shave their legs, I tried to explain to him that if it really matters that much to someone that I don’t then I won’t waste my time with them, but he kept bringing up that I have to. He just ignored me and kept on with it. I’d like to know why it bothers so many people; I’ll never have long black prickly hairs, and you can barely see them as they are. He’s one of about 20 other people that have harassed me about it, is there anything I can do? (Other than give up and shave, because that’s out of the question.) Much love and many thanks, Heather.

VictorM's advice: The short answer to why it bothers so many people: marketing! There is no money to be made if you don't shave, so billions are spent convincing you that somehow you're more advanced in the food chain if you conform. It becomes awfully difficult to buck the trends when billions of people buy into those trends. Your choices are to conform or to be an outcast. Society isn't kind to outcasts, even for something is insignificant as not shaving your legs.

I'm sure there are many other things that you do that are unnecessary. You probably eat with a fork and knife, but for many thousands of years, bare hands did the trick. In some cultures a daily shower is expected, others see no point in showering so often. Body odor is repugnant to most of us, but that hasn't always been so, and isn't so today in many societies. I'm sure your habits in those areas are aligned with what your society has dictated, even if they are unnecessary.

Your description of the hassles of shaving your legs seem way out of line with most women I know. Yeah, many consider it some hassle -- so do I about shaving my face -- but these are things that get easier as they become routine. Your skin becomes less irritated the more you do it to the point where it's not a problem (with some exceptions.) Many women shave below the knees more often and above the knees less often. Many do a quick go over every day with a blade while in the shower adding maybe a minute more or so to that daily routine and thus avoiding the stubly feeling. And my lord, they sell you all kinds of stuff to make it easier to shave and be less irritant afterwards.

There is no doubt that smooth silky legs is, for most guys, one of the most appealing things on a woman. And sure, at 16, when you have nothing but some peach fuzz and hardly visible, yeah, it makes little different. But it's not going to be that way as you get older.

If you don't want to shave, don't shave. Enough people will be OK with that. If you want to get the others off your back, say you have a medical condition that prevents you from shaving. (Yeah, white lies do come in handy sometimes.) But not shaving your legs on principle is silly. You're not going to win any Nobel prize over that sort of stance. There are plenty of injustices and meanness in the world; why waste energies on something so petty?

Two more things: one, thank you for you compliments about my answers; two, your male friend is an idiot -- shave his nuts off!

ashleigh, 22, from scotland asks: I have been dating a new guy for 3 months and I'm not sure we will last. He's a lot more outgoing than me and is in a band. He plays gigs and parties a lot. I keep thinking about the future and worry that we may just be too different. Can this work?

VictorM's advice: Sure it can work, if you accept your differences and can live with them. But if it bothers you that he parties, if you get jealous, or if you want him to stop playing or going out, then life will be hell for both of you and you're better off ending it now.

But couples who have different levels of energy for different things can be quite happy together if they let each other be and are supportive of the other's activities. He can be a great source of comfort for when you want more excitment in your life, and you can be likewise to him when he wants some calm.

The thing you didn't say, but I wonder if you meant it, is whether he's too irresponsible. Because that is a totally different story. Yeah, there is a time to go a little crazy, and certainly the 20's is a good time, but one can be a partier and still be responsible and attentive. If he's not, well, then he's a work in progress and no one knows how he will turn out.

But come on, if he's a Scot, what do you expect? :)

Kayla, 19, asks: I have been casually seeing this guy for about 2-3 months. I have a lot of fun with him, am incredibly attracted to him, and the feeling is mutual. Lately, I've been having some conflicting issues...See, ever since sex has been introduced into the "relationship" or whatever we may have I have been kind of confused as to what I should do. He was straight forward with me by saying he isn't looking for a serious girlfriend because of about 245 different reasons, ranging from getting out of a 3-year relationship before going to college, and school/his job etc. and not being able to devote enough time. However, he also told me that I really make him reconsider and that I was different from any other girls on campus so its really hard...That I scare him because I have so much control and he's not used to that. He said that he wants to take some time to get closer to me and continue hanging out and whatnot...Now, I've always had the philosophy that if I'm in a sexual relationship, I want all or nothing..As in, committed relationship or no sex. However, I'm really conflicted because he is a genuine guy that I love hanging out with...the attraction is physical and mental which is somewhat different for me. The question weighing on my mind is...Am I ruining anything we may have in the future by sleeping with him? Am I an idiot for believing that some day he may actually want a relationship? I don't want him to think he can get with me for free and then hook up with other girls (even though I know he wouldn't have sex with them but still.) My options as I see it are a.) continue to remain close to him as we are in the present, or b.) just cut off all ties. I say that because I know that it would be almost impossible for us to remain strictly platonic (Ie: no sex/anything physical) so that would be my only way of getting over it. I told myself I wouldn't get attatched, but I still get those pangs of jealously when I see him flirting with other girls...He says I'm the one with all the control, but really now am I?

VictorM's advice: You're a bit naive to think he wouldn't have sex with other girls, but other than that, your rationale sounds solid. Given your two options (I think they make sense and I'm glad you're smart enough to realize that) then I think option A makes all the sense in the world.

Sure, things may not work out in the long run, but nothing in life is guaranteed. He's been honest with you, you enjoy his company, guys will say the "no relationship" crap but they can be swayed very easily, and by continuing what you have you can more easily lead it into a willling relationship, not one started with an ultimatum. There will come a time when you have to judge how serious he is, but for now enjoy his company and relax about the relationship thing. Enjoy being 19 -- stop worrying so much about the future.

And let's face it, even if things don't work out, having sex with him is not like having root-canal. Right? Right.

laura, 33, from california asks: I was in a relationship with a 35 year old man. After 6 months I moved in with him and a year later we bought a house together. We were very much in love... had a house, a dog... Recently I found out that he was text messaging and emailing another girl whom he had been with 2 years prior. I left, and in two weeks, he had the house sold and the dog went to a good home. He never accepted any responsibility for cheating, and never looked back. My question is how is it that I never received an apology, or begging for forgiveness or any remorse on his part? Instead he hasn't missed a beat. Does he have any feelings or was this whole fairy tale, just that, a fairy tale? Struggling with the fact that he has shown no emotion after he has devastated my life.

VictorM's advice: Some people are very good at putting their "game face on". In this case, we have an individual purely concentrated on himself. He found someone else, you moved out, he moved on. It's always much easier on the one that cheated for they have a new interest; always harder on the one that was left with the feelings and the question marks.

I can't blame you for being where you are emotionally, but at some point I hope you come to realize how lucky you are. Destiny has interfered on your behalf and prevented things from getting much worse for you. You have two things to be thankful for. Let me explain.

This incident has revealed his type of personality: irresponsible, cold, indifferent, selfish, and you can even say cruel. Either because you were blinded by love or because no situations had arisen to shine the spotlight on that aspect of his temperament, you didn't see it. But sooner or later you would have. It could have happened after you got married, and even worse, after you had kids together. Now, imagine what kind of rotten father this guy is going to be. That's the first thing you should be grateful for: neither you nor your kids will find out.

Meanwhile, I know it's hard for you to understand his behavior but that's only because you're a good person. And that's the second thing you should be grateful for: good people have such a hard time understanding rotten ones, which explains your predicament. You're too good to be able to understand him, so stop trying. Being a better person than him is something he can't take away from you.

Katie, 14, from Berwick, PA asks: I like this boy a lot. He's my best friend. I don't know if he likes me. And I really like him and we see each other a lot because we're best friends and neighbors. What do I do?

VictorM's advice: Stay his best friend. Enjoy his company and have fun as friends. Whatever you do, do not ask him out. If you want to prod him to be more than just friends you can: don't act too much like a buddy, dress feminine when he's around, lightly touch his arms and shoulders, and let your eye contact linger a second or two longer than usual.

But let him take the first step. He has to feel that he's the one that swept you off your feet, otherwise, he'll move on to the next challenge.

rachael, 13, from seattle asks: A couple years ago, I really liked this one guy in my class. The word got out about it and he quickly found out. It turned out that he liked me too. We both liked each other a lot. But he would call me a lot and I wasn't really ready to be in like, a relationship with him so I told him to stop calling me and that pretty much ended it. I felt bad, but I was kinda uncomfortable. The next couple years we avoided each other and it was really awkward to be around him. Then he went to the other middle school in our district and I haven't seen him since. I have never regretted something so much and I want to see him again but I broke his heart and I don't think he wants to see me. What should I do let him know that I miss him and want to hang out with him again?

VictorM's advice: If my math is right, you were 11 when this happened. By the way, I think it's great you told him to stop calling since you felt uncomfortable. That takes guts.

You say you don't think he wants to see you, but how do you know? I wouldn't be so sure. It's possible he still carries a grudge but the odds are that he'd love to talk to you again. You two probably will laugh about the things you said when you were 11.

It's time to use those guts again and reach out to him. Say hello, tell him you miss talking to him, and you'd like to hang out. He most likely will say: great! But if he turns you down you two will just be even and you'll know that he's not worth worrying about again.

No matter how it turns out, you get to be right twice: once for speaking up for yourself and once for trying to make amends.

Kirstin, 13, from Pennsylvnia, asks: My ex always stares at me and I still like him. I want to know if he likes me and if I should ask him back out. Plus my friend just got a new boyfriend!

VictorM's advice: Well, congratulations to your friend. I hope they live happily ever after... or at least until the weekend.

Why did you two break up? Was it for no reason? I doubt it. Is whatever reason caused the breakup magically gone? I doubt that too. No, don't ask him out. If he wants you, make him work for you. Just let the word leak that you'd take him back, but he's gonna have to do more than just stare.

Meanwhile, do NOT get itchy just because your girlfriend has a boyfriend and now you want one too. Take your time and choose better next time than you chose the last time.

Ada, 19, from Manchester, asks: I met this guy in a club who is a friend of a very good friend of mine. I found him very attractive. We talked a lot in the club and we even kissed. I like him and he likes me and I've talked to him everyday since then but he says that he doesn't want a relationship because he's bad with relationships. What should I do because I really like this guy?

VictorM's advice: I am a firm believer that when it comes to relationships, the couple should move at the pace of the slowest one. He may have said he's bad with relationships because he's not sure about you yet, maybe he has a girlfriend (can I assume you know he doesn't?), maybe there are other girls he has met at the club. Whatever the situation, keep talking to him, keep dazzling him with your charm, and above all else, relax and get to know him more before you bring up the dreaded "R" word.

If he likes you, you will not lose him by going slow; but push him and he migh fly away.

Julie, 22, from Kentucky, asks: I was with my fiance for 4 years. We broke up for 3 months. He lied for the 9 months we have been back together. He slept with a girl and she had a baby while doing drugs and we don't know if it is his or not. What should I do?

VictorM's advice: First things first. He needs to find out if he is the father. In this day and age, that's easy. Second, if it is his baby he better be prepared to support the child.

Now, back to you. When you said he lied for nine months, I assume you mean he never told you he slept with a girl during the 3 months you weren't together. During those 3 months he was free to do whatever he wanted. But clearly, there are trust issues between you two.

I don't know why you two broke up in the first place. My guess is that you will break up again for that same reason, whatever it was. You know, when a couple has enough problems to cause a breakup, things don't get fixed by magic. I'm not saying it can't be done, but at least one of the two has to go through some significant changes. I doubt very much this happened here.

That child and the girl on drugs are his problems -- don't make them yours. If you're on the rocks with this guy, free yourself from him before you get involved in the mess he created.

Ashley, 16, from Indiana, asks: My ex-boyfriend broke up with me a while a ago. About two week later he starts going with this other girl. But then breaks up with her. I still like him so I wrote him a letter that told him that and he has yet to write me back. He acts like he still likes me but I don't know what to do. What's up with him?

VictorM's advice: He's not into you, that's what's up with him. He broke up with you, remember? He acts like he likes you because he's got nothing to lose. Maybe he's just jerking your chain (some people get off on the control they can exercises over others) or maybe he does like you but not as you want him to.

He may even take you back, but if he does it'll be just to enjoy physical rewards. He will dump you again once he finds another girl.

He's not into you. I know, it sucks, but that's life. Move on.

Michelle, 35, from derbyshire, asks: Hi Victor, I was in a relationship with a younger guy (24) for about 8 months. It recently broke up because we became too intense with each other which put a big strain on things. We still talk regularly and although I have tried to get over it I'm still very much in love with this man. He has big trust issues and is not able to share much emotionally, where as I'm the opposite -- I love to express. I think this is what became too overwhelming for him in the end. My question is this. I think talking to him is making it harder for me but even though I have tried to put distance between us he keeps coming back to me to make contact like we were buddies or something like that. He says I'm the closest and best friend he has but it's killing me being in this kind of relationship with him. What is it he wants from me? Do you think I should break all ties with him? Or does he still love me? I dunno, going quietly insane with confusion.

VictorM's advice: He'll keep coming back to you as a buddy as long as you allow it. This way, he gets to enjoy your company with none of the commitments of a relationship. And if this is buddies with benefits, you're even more screwed (pun intended). If he has a hard time sharing his feelings, you're giving him the perfect way to keep it that way and still spend time with you. You must stop that.

Does he still love you? Quite possibly, in his own quiet way. Will he ever change the way he is? Not likely. At least not without professional therapy (my guess is there is a lot of baggage from his past making him so).

Whether you want to break contact with him or want him in a committed relationship, you're going to have to do the same exact thing: sit him down, explain that your current relationship is tormenting you, explain why, and then say you will not see him again. Make it very definite, make it very clear, but more importantly, follow through. Find new pubs, new restaurants, new streets to get to places, and remove from your home things that remind you of him. If you stick to your guns, he may leave you alone (meaning he's not in love with you), or he may try harder to be with you (almost a clear sign that he's in love with you).

If he wants to be with you, ask him to seek therapy. Whether he does or not, you could also be more accepting of his ways. It's possible that he'll open up with you in the future once his trust level with you is higher. But you accomplish nothing by nagging him about it. Step back and accept that you two are different in this regard. Just because you're open about your feelings and he's not doesn't make you right and him wrong. Look for other good qualities about him and accept that his love for you may be shown in quiet ways.

Lotte, 23, from Canada, asks: I was secretly dating a 43 year old man for the past 2 months and I had such a blast. He says he did too. I still want to date him and he says he does too but he says he feels that he is taking something away from me by not being able to make our relationship public. He feels bad about dating someone so young and he worries that his friends and family and just people in general will judge him and think badly of him. He says he is frustrated that he had to go and meet the girl of his dreams and that she had to be so young. He wishes I were 30 so that he would not feel so bad. He is a very well respected man and I do not want him to feel bad about himself, nor ruin his reputation. He brings up examples such as taking me to a social gathering where everyone is his age. He worries about how awkward I would feel. I keep trying to reassure him that age is not that big of a deal. I am very good in social situations. Why should norms that society establish be the cause of 2 broken hearts? It's my life, I am an adult. He is very open minded, obviously, but he says that in all reality it would be very impossible. I disagree. The love is there, the connection is there and we have more in common than 2 peas in a pod. Am I delusional? Please help me. Is he right? Am I too young? Would he just look like a gross creepy old man in the public eye? I know so many people who are married and have 10, 15, 20 year old gaps.

VictorM's advice: Social norms are what each of us make it. In South America, for example, your age difference would be acceptable. But in North America, that's not so much the case. So this comes down to his level of comfort.

It's not just you fitting in his settings that's an issue, but more importantly, it's him fitting in yours. His conservative attitude and respectability would make being part of your younger social setting very difficult for him.

Do not discount that his attraction for you could be more fleeting than yours for him. At 43 he's grasping for the last straws of youth. Being with a 23 year old girl can be very good for the ego of a middle-aged man, but reality will eventually take over. That doesn't mean your love for each other can't be genuine, it just means you haven't passed the test of time. Have you even discussed things like your respective wishes about starting a family?

I know most people would say the sensible thing would be for you to forget this guy and date within your age range. But I disagree. You can't just walk away because you'd always wonder if things could have worked out. As long as you feel about him the way you do, you're not wasting your time. You sound like a mature 23; you're not a child. Twenty years difference becomes less of a problem as each year passes by. A successful relationship is quite doable as long as both of you are convinced of that.

You need to give him time to decide if he thinks you're the real thing enough to overcome the scrutiny of society or, if after a while, you were just a temporary fountain of youth.

Belle, 21, from Canada, asks: Hey, I have a crush on a guy at work and at our staff party we talked a lot and danced and stuff and he drove me home. It seemed like we had a good time. I was talking to him online and he told me he had an awesome time dancing with me. He also told one of my friends at work that he though I was hot. I dunno if these are signs that he likes me or that he is just nice.

VictorM's advice: They are signs that he liked dancing with you and that he thinks you're hot. You really can't draw any more conclusions than that. There are probably many girls on the planet he thinks are hot and would be fun to dance with. So if you're asking do those signs mean he would want to date you, the answer is no. But they are a good start. You may not be the only girl on his radar screen, but you got his attention in a positive way so your chances are better than most.

Michelle, 21, from atlanta, asks: I am friends with this guy who is in a long term, long distance relationship (they see each other about every 6 weeks for a weekend or so, for the past 3 or 4 years). I like him, but because of the girlfriend I have never really flirted or anything with him. Nonetheless, all of our friends make fun of the fact that he and I are "dating", and he all of a sudden won't go out with me alone because he feels guilty. The other night, I was mildly intoxicated (still fully coherent and everything) and he was completely sober. I was entirely platonic, and he initiated hooking up with me, and spent the night. The next day we didn't really talk about it, but he said he felt guilty (he hasn't ever cheated before). I like this guy, which is not so good. How should I interpret this hookup, and what should I do about it now, if anything?

VictorM's advice: That hookup meant nothing at all. Any guy, at any time, can have what Pink Floyd calls a "momentary lapse of reason". He likes you, you were there, the stars were aligned, blah blah. The next day, it's all over and it means nothing. Long distance relationships are hell, I tell ya!

Guys like him are hard to find. He respects his girlfriend, he respects you, so the least you can do his respect him too. Do not flirt. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be the best friend you can be and who knows... he may realize that you're a wonderful girl and hey, if things change between them... there you are. But don't hold your breath.

Finnely, 22, from new york, asks: My boyfriend has recently packed on a few pounds. We live together and he is always reminding me of my diet while he pigs out. I tell him he's putting on weight too fast but he says he doesn't care. He recently gave up smoking and is blaming the weight gain on that. How can I tell him he is becoming unattractive to me without making him mad or really hurting him?

VictorM's advice: First let me say that a lot of people will say you're just being shallow, but I don't agree. You have every right to be turned off. It's not just the fat itself (although that would be enough reason) but his gaining weight and saying he doesn't care tells you a lot about him and what to expect in the future. Now, I suspect that his "I don't care" doesn't really mean that; he's just frustrated and is too lazy to do something about it. And yeah, maybe quitting affects his eating, but nothing that extra exercise and better diet couldn't burn-off. He's just being lazy!

There may be several ways for you to help him I think the best is to express your honest feelings. Go ahead, hurt his feelings. Tell him his weight gain is a turn off to you, that you're finding him less attractive. So what if he gets mad? He has two options: to do something about the weight gain, or to do nothing. Whichever option he chooses gives you a glimpse at the type of man you're dealing with and what's expecting you as you two get older.

I don't know how he's going to react, but I know one thing: you keeping your feelings to yourself will help no one; not you, and not him. So start motivating him. But always talk in reference to your feelings ("I don't like how you're looking..." "I feel more exercise would help..." "I think a better diet would help..." Do NOT say "You're too lazy..." "You should exercise more...") When you talk about your feelings there is no argument -- they are your feelings and that's it.

Sam, 17, from USA, asks: Okay, there's this guy who I think is kind of into me. He asks if we want to hang out and go do stuff, sometimes just us and sometimes with other friends. Hanging out is cool, but I don't want to lead him on because I'm not interested. How can I be his friend without sending the wrong signs? Thanks!

VictorM's advice: The problem is that if he likes you, he'll see the wrong signs no matter what you do. Besides, guys aren't very good at understanding subtle hints. Being blunt about it may not be a good approach because 1) you could be wrong about his feeling for you, 2) you may drive him away if he gets offended. I suggest you find ways to talk about other guys or a guy that you may be attracted to and get him to talk about girls he may be attracted to. This way, your interest in other guys and your acceptance that he likes other girls should make it clear enough your intentions without you having to spell them out.

But if he asks if you like him, be direct! Don't be wishy washy because it's better to lose his friendship than windup in a situation with him you really don't want to be.

Nick, 22, from Lincoln, asks: I had a girlfriend for a long time since high school. We just broke up 8 months ago because of many different reasons. I found a girl I kinda liked and started dating. My ex was mad but we still talked and saw each other. It was hard cuz I was realizing I still loved her. I finally broke up with my girlfriend because I didn't find it fair that I still loved my ex. When I told my ex that we needed to talk she was like "we're done. I want to find a guy who's not a jerk and respects me, leave me alone". I was so suprised cuz I treated her awesome. I have a huge respect for women. When I broke up with her I hugged her for like 2 hours to make sure she was OK and I assured her how much I still loved her. But anyway since then I found out that she's "seeing" (not dating) one of these guys that used to try to get with her while we were dating. He is 2 years younger than her and he's in the military ( yeah stupid i know). Shes 20. Anyway I'm guessing it was the easiest catch because he isn't very attractive but has always wanted to get in her pants. And sadly I fear she's letting him. But now every time I try to talk to her she is mean and rude to me. And a week before she started liking this guy I was at her house taking care of her because she was sick and everything was fine but literally 6 days later she hated me. I talked to my friend and she told me that my ex said if i really loved her I would break up with my girlfriend (which I did but I don't think she knows). I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for her and it's a lost cause. Because even if she does still love me and trying to hide it I'm sure it's a lot easier to get over someone if you never see them and you have a 18 year old boy constantly telling you how cute you are over the internet. Is she really over me? Am I wasting me time?

VictorM's advice: Sounds to me like she's playing mind games: you two breakup and she gets mad when you get another girl; she says she wants someone who's not a jerk; she tells your friend she wants you to breakup with your girlfriend. This girl is busy.

You aren't being very clear with me: you broke up for reasons you don't explain (suggesting she broke up with you); you hugged her for 2 hours (suggesting you brokeup with her); if you're so respectful with women why did she say she wants someone who respects her (suggesting you didn't); you say she is seeing some guy who just sex but he's talking to her over the internet (so is this cybersex?)

OK, with this fragmented information, I'll say this: after a breakup people sometimes are rude with their ex to provoke them to be the jerk that want to believe they are -- it makes their decision easier to live with. And of course, it doesn't have to be true.

But I think you're both better off without the other. Either she plays too many mind games (if what you say is true), in which case you're better off without her, or most of what you told me is distorded bullshit that doesn't match with what she believes to be the true you, in which case she's better off without you.

There's an old saying that goes something like "there's three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth." I think it applies here.

sara, 17, from st.ignace, asks: My boyfriend that was going out with my cousin broke up with her to date me. But I think he has feeling for her still but I don't know. He looks at her in ways that are different to friend's way. But he tells me there is nothing in the world that can take him away from me.

VictorM's advice: It's not realistic for you to expect him to look at her the same as just another friend. Once you've been intimate with someone that's virtually impossible. It doesn't mean he's still in love with her; it just means he's being natural. The sad part is that if you're the little bit jealous type you're always going to read a lot more into it. I don't know if he's lying to you or not, but your expectations of how he should look at her aren't real.

Tori, 13, from Fishers, IN, asks: What should I do? I'm going out with a nice guy, but I don't really like him a lot. But I still really like my ex-boyfriend. Plus I hear from my reliable best friend that he still likes me too. And to top it all off, I can't break up with him! Heeeelllppp!!!!

VictorM's advice: You like your ex and he likes you? So why did you two break-up? And whatever the reason, why do you think it'll be better if you get back together?

Anyway, of course you can breakup with the nice guy. And you should. The sooner you do it, the sooner he'll get another girlfriend and the sooner you'll realize you like him too.

Just say to nice guy that things aren't working out and you need to break-up. That's it. Don't tell him anything else, and for sure don't tell him you like your ex.

He'll live, trust me.

kristen, 23, from michigan, asks: I am dating a man that has four kids and I love them dearly, but I am not ready to stop having fun once a month or something. He told me that he doesn't want to do anything but sit home and watch t.v. He also doesn't want me to work at my old job because of my ex, when he don't even live in the same state as me anymore. I really need help. I love him and the kids and I love my life but I still like to have fun. What do I do? And is he being too controlling? Everything has got to be his way or no way!

VictorM's advice: I'm almost convinced that women like you (meaning, in love with someone so wrong for them) can't be helped. You have a date with a miserable destiny and you're not going to break it. And that being the case, things are going to get even "better". If he's too controlling now (you don't have to ask me if he is -- you KNOW he is) imagine as time goes on how bad it's going to get. One good thing you can say about the guy: he's giving you all the warnings that he's the face of your future hell. But you love him dearly. Oh well...

I'd tell you to run away from this guy as fast and as far as possible, but I know you won't. And I know why: you're convinced you can "fix" him and that he and the kids can't live without you. So, if leaving him is not an option, you can at least impose your will so it's not just his way. Be assertive about your wishes, your desire for fun, where you work, and every aspect of your life that's important. Eventually, he'll either accept your ways or break-up with you. Either of the two results is better than what you have now.

Sally, 15, from NZ, asks: It's been a long time since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, and somehow, he still has the need to show me how much he hates me. Either by telling his friends about how he used me for sex or to pay me out. We broke up because he was becoming way too abusive to handle, hitting me when I didn't talk to him, making me do things I didn't want to do, and controlling who I talked to and what I did etc. Ever since, any guy I've dated he's planned a group assassination on, (getting them bashed/run over/killed somehow) he nearly killed my last boyfriend by running him over with his car when he was riding home. He took it really hard when I didn't want to put up with him anymore, and made up several girlfriends that he was "going-out" with, that he wasn't really. Does he just really hate me? He hasn't given me a break for about 10 months now, the main thing that bugs me, is he complains to my boyfriend's older brother about how much he hates me and all the things we did together, because I don't get along with my boyfriend's brother and they get along great. Should I just ignore him and let him keep attacking my friends or should I try a different approach? We dated for about 5 months till things got really bad.

VictorM's advice: First of all I want to commend you for breaking up with this guy. No matter how much hell it is now, imagine what life would be like if you stayed with him.

This has nothing to do with love or hate. This guy is all about control. People like him have no concept of love. Not the way most of us do anyway. He wants to control your life, whether he's your boyfriend or not. I believe the type of people who listen to him come in two flavors: those who are like him and believe him and those who know he's a loser and won't pay any mind to what he has to say.

You could fight back. Tell whoever he talks to that he was abusive. If he tells them about the sex, you tell them he was lousy in bed (doesn't matter if that's not true) as long as you embarrass him in front of those whose opinion he cares about. He may then leave you alone or, since he has a violent streak, you can be in more danger. I think the risk is too high. I prefer the approach below.

Whenever someone quotes things he says, just respond with a matter-of-fact attitude: "If it makes you happy to believe him, go ahead, I'm not talking about it" and walk away. Don't bother denying anything, don't bother trying to convince them it's not true because every time you do, you're playing into his hands. See, he wants attention from you. Negative attention is a lot better than no attention. Give him none! Eventually, the first type of people's opinions won't matter -- they're losers just like him -- and the second group of people will respect you for taking the high road.

Adina, 19, from South Carolina, asks: Me and my boyfriend have been seriously dating for two years. We knew from the time we met 5 years ago that we were meant for each other. I'm ready to get married, settle down and start a family. He talks about when we are married and when we have kids and stuff like that but he's never really given me a time line of when its going to happen. I want to ask him but I'm afraid I'll scare him further away instead of bringing him close. What should I do?

VictorM's advice: The reason marriage is much scarier to guys than to girls is because it's ingrained in our genes that we have to be the providers for a family. I know, with women working that may not be so true anymore but it's still in our collective subconscience. Guys around your age, who are serious about their relationship, really worry that they're not ready for that responsibility. Women, in general, interpret that as a sign of non-commitment or not caring. In some cases it is true, but often it's exactly the opposite. The guy cares so much and wants to live up to all the expectations of being a good husband (meaning provider, father, head of the household) that until he has a steady, solid job, and maybe even money saved up, he's not ready.

You have been serious for 2 years, so in my view this subject shouldn't be taboo between you two but consider what I said above before bringing up the subject. Before you ask him, make sure you have a pulse for where he is emotionally, not in terms of his love for you -- you seem solid there -- but in terms of his maturity and job security. If he doesn't have a steady job yet, or has lots of debt, be careful about your approach. But otherwise, a nudge with a positive tone is not out of order.

Cynthia, 12, from louisville, Ky, asks: Sean, this boy is in one of my classes and he asked for my number. I didn't think nothing of it so I gave him my number. He calls me one day and he asked what I was doing. I said "going to the library!" and then I had a good idea! I quicky said "HEY!!! do you want to go to the libary?" He's like "ok! why?" I didn't tell him I had a boyfriend! So I said "Me and some friends are hanging out there!!!" He's like "who's gonna be there? "I was me and 7 more people. Sean comes up to me and says why didn't you tell me that you are going out with him? - "I didn't know you cared?" - "But, I thought you was goin out with me." - "No, I never said I was goin with you, you didn't even ask!!!" Then I walked back to my boyfriend and told him what had happened. And he said "Do you want to leave this freak?" I was releaved! I said yeah lets go. So if you give a boy your number does that mean you're his girlfriend? signed Miss. Confused

VictorM's advice: No, it doesn't mean you're his girlfriend, but the way things happened, I can understand Sean thinking you liked him. You had opportunities to tell him you had a boyfriend and you didn't.

Unless the reason for giving your phone number is clearly stated (friendship, doing homework, etc.) yeah, giving a boy your number sorta implies interest in him. So he's no freak, just a boy who likes you and thought you liked him back.

Heather, 17, from Wisconsin, asks: I had feelings for this one guy for a long time and I finally got the courage up to ask him to dance at our homecoming dance, and he said yes! We ended up dancing together for most of the night and we both had a great time. It turned out that the rest of the school was talking about it the next day; everyone was so happy for me because it was obvious I liked him. I ended up hanging out at his house twice and I even called him when he was in the hospital for a surgery. One night I called him and I decided to tell him how I felt and that I wanted to go out with him. He said no. (I kinda expected this seeing as he got freaked out by his last girlfriend who wanted to get married.) I thought that maybe I could get him to trust me. Turns out: no. So I decided that maybe he needed some time and some space to get over it so I left him alone, only now, I'm back to where I started: he doesn't notice me and I'm eating my heart out. I've asked my guy friends what to do and they all say he's an idiot, but that doesn't help me. Please give me some advice. How am even supposed to approach him again after being silent for so long? Thanks in advance.

VictorM's advice: He's not an idiot. He's someone who enjoyed your company as a friend but for whatever reason doesn't want any more than friendship. When you told him about your feelings you spooked him out and now he knows that getting close to you will not end at just friendship. He's avoiding complications by avoiding you. Far from an idiot, he's being smart.

You can't make people like you t