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Saturday, December 31, 2005
The love of her life is a jerk
leann, 18, from california, asks: Okay, this is a good question to ask you, considering that you are a guy and everything. I have been in a very serious relationship with whom very may be *the love of my life* for about a year; however, there are some things i can't seem to figure out. First off, he has cheated on me, but nothing more than kiss, with a girl he swore to me was just a friend. He gets mad because I won't let him have "girl" friends yet every time I do let him, it always seems as if the girls who he is saying are "just friends" want more out of him. So now, I'm extremely overprotective of him, and can't stand it when he isn't with me. He DID tell me when he cheated on me and all and says that it just proved to him how much he really did love me, but the thing is, I see the girl he cheated with all the time, and every time I see her, it reminds me of it, and it reminds me of the fact that HE WOULD CHEAT .. I get so jealous, because I don't like the fact of thinking that * I * am not his everything, and that he could even begin to consider cheating on me. However, this happened about 6 months ago, we're still together.. but I just can't seem to get it out of my head. He also talks about & looks at other girls ALL the time. It hurts my feelings because it makes me feel as if he is just simply waiting for something better to come along. Although he has told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and everything, and he's with me EVERYDAY, but guys are guys, they will say anything to get what they want, Right?? So basically, my question to you is, do you think I'm too jealous? Do you think it is possible to cheat, but yet have NO feelings toward the one the cheated with and be completely in love with the one you cheated on?? Can guys be completely happy & content with who they are with, but yet still be compelled too look whenever they see someone *hotter*??
VictorM's advice: Yes, you are too jealous, and your jealousy will only make things worse. But, you have good reason to feel this way. Basically, this whole thing sucks for you.
Yes, a guy could have the most beautiful girl in the world and he'll still look at other girls, but they don't even have to be hotter. Looking doesn't mean he's looking for anyone better. Guys just always look. But doing it in a way that disrespects you and hurts your feelings make him a jerk.
Yes, it's possible for guys to cheat, have no feelings for that girl, and believe they are in love with one girl. But those are the guys you want to stay away from, not run to. It says something about the guy -- that he's a jerk.
Yes, he'll hurt you time and time again. His confession doesn't absolve him. Actually, I think it's a dirty rotten thing to do because look at what it did to you. He confessed purely for selfish reasons, not with your best interest in mind. And that makes him a jerk.
Face it: you're in love with a jerk and nothing you do or say is going to change that.
VictorM's advice: Yes, you are too jealous, and your jealousy will only make things worse. But, you have good reason to feel this way. Basically, this whole thing sucks for you.
Yes, a guy could have the most beautiful girl in the world and he'll still look at other girls, but they don't even have to be hotter. Looking doesn't mean he's looking for anyone better. Guys just always look. But doing it in a way that disrespects you and hurts your feelings make him a jerk.
Yes, it's possible for guys to cheat, have no feelings for that girl, and believe they are in love with one girl. But those are the guys you want to stay away from, not run to. It says something about the guy -- that he's a jerk.
Yes, he'll hurt you time and time again. His confession doesn't absolve him. Actually, I think it's a dirty rotten thing to do because look at what it did to you. He confessed purely for selfish reasons, not with your best interest in mind. And that makes him a jerk.
Face it: you're in love with a jerk and nothing you do or say is going to change that.
How do I tell him?
Anonymous, 16, from Michigan, asks: I have a guy friend that I have been friends with for almost three years now. I've liked him since I met him. The problem is I can't tell him. I'm afraid to. Mine and his parents both want us to date (that's not the only reason I want to.) Sometimes I feel like he likes me too but then other times I'm not too sure. One of my friends likes him on and off again. she doesnt know that I like him though. The only people that know I like him are people that don't know him. I really like him. How do I tell him?
VictorM's advice: You DON'T! Don't tell him; you'll regret it if you do.
Sometimes you think he likes you, sometimes you don't. That's because he's scoping girls out and his attention is bouncing all over the place. The moment you tell him you like him, he'll keep you aside for a rainy day and will try to see if he can score with other girls. The male ego takes over. He's not yet sold on you, and if you tell him you like him it will only mean you pose no challenge to him. He needs challenges.
Be a challenge! Stay his friend but tease him to make him chase you. You have to do two things at once: make him work for you and make him feel special around you. How do you do that? You turn down an invitation or two to be with him. When you are with him, praise him but in subtle ways, and you ask questions about things he loves to talk about. Then you stay away a little again. You have to make him wonder if you like him. That's the best way to tilt him in your direction.
VictorM's advice: You DON'T! Don't tell him; you'll regret it if you do.
Sometimes you think he likes you, sometimes you don't. That's because he's scoping girls out and his attention is bouncing all over the place. The moment you tell him you like him, he'll keep you aside for a rainy day and will try to see if he can score with other girls. The male ego takes over. He's not yet sold on you, and if you tell him you like him it will only mean you pose no challenge to him. He needs challenges.
Be a challenge! Stay his friend but tease him to make him chase you. You have to do two things at once: make him work for you and make him feel special around you. How do you do that? You turn down an invitation or two to be with him. When you are with him, praise him but in subtle ways, and you ask questions about things he loves to talk about. Then you stay away a little again. You have to make him wonder if you like him. That's the best way to tilt him in your direction.
Friday, December 30, 2005
But then he started doing commitment things
Boomerang, 32, from Johannesburg, asks: I have been married for 10 years and divorced this year January. I met this guy who is 33 and never been married, lives alone, financially stable, good career, highly educated. I fell for him cause he does not seem like the type that will take me serious and want to commit to this relations ship "just what I needed" and he seemed outspoken. But then he started doing commitment things like introducing me to his mother talking -- "hinting" -- about us and marriage in the future; call my daughter (13 yrs) on the phone wanting to know about her studies, went for HIV test (so that we should stop using a condom). But all this happened in a month's time of meeting him. I then gave him negative signals indicating that he's moving too fast and I need space. I did not tell him but I just did certain things to show him. He now treats me so differently. He doesn't call or show me the interest he used to show and he's so cold and I think I fell in love with him and miss all the attention and want us to be the way things were before I told him to back off, but his full of pride and just not the same . What do I do ?
VictorM's advice: This sure is a twist.
Well, you have basically bruised his ego. He was cocky, confident, and calling the shots. You slammed the brakes on that and now he feels like a little kid who's been told off and goes to his room and pouts. Now he needs to show you that you were better off before.
My advice is to be patient and do nothing different than you did when things were going well. If you give in to his current behavior, you give him too much of the upper hand and he's likely to want to pick up where he left off -- you don't want that. If you have a confrontation with him you just prolong his pouting. But by being nice to him without giving in to his inner child, he'll eventually come around ON YOUR TERMS, which is what you want.
Men... you gotta train them like puppies.
VictorM's advice: This sure is a twist.
Well, you have basically bruised his ego. He was cocky, confident, and calling the shots. You slammed the brakes on that and now he feels like a little kid who's been told off and goes to his room and pouts. Now he needs to show you that you were better off before.
My advice is to be patient and do nothing different than you did when things were going well. If you give in to his current behavior, you give him too much of the upper hand and he's likely to want to pick up where he left off -- you don't want that. If you have a confrontation with him you just prolong his pouting. But by being nice to him without giving in to his inner child, he'll eventually come around ON YOUR TERMS, which is what you want.
Men... you gotta train them like puppies.
Relationship from afar
Shamari, 30, from texas, asks: I am involved in a relationship that has lasted for almost 3 years. He is in another city now to continue his education. I support him and love him very much. However, he calls me maybe twice a day and I guess with being apart I thought the calls would increase. Is there anything I can do to make the distance not seem that far? I want to be there without being there. I mean, what is he likely thinking since he is not here with me?
VictorM's advice: He calls you twice a day and you expect more? Twice a day may be a world record for a guy. Check the Guinness Book of World Records -- his name might be there.
I think a long distance relationship is harder on a guy because by nature we're more into physical contact. But don't think that phone calls is the next best thing -- they are not! Sitting by a phone, most of the time carrying on small talk, is not a guy's idea of fun times.
For a guy, there is no substitute for the real thing: smooth skin to caress and wonderful scent to enjoy. Being away from you is hard for him. The best you can do is plan some intermittent visits. If you can't be with him or visit, then the next best thing you can do is not annoy him with demands for phone calls.
And don't make the mistake of sending risque pictures or movies of yourself -- they may help for a few minutes but that's it. It's not worth the risk of them winding up on the internet if you two break up.
VictorM's advice: He calls you twice a day and you expect more? Twice a day may be a world record for a guy. Check the Guinness Book of World Records -- his name might be there.
I think a long distance relationship is harder on a guy because by nature we're more into physical contact. But don't think that phone calls is the next best thing -- they are not! Sitting by a phone, most of the time carrying on small talk, is not a guy's idea of fun times.
For a guy, there is no substitute for the real thing: smooth skin to caress and wonderful scent to enjoy. Being away from you is hard for him. The best you can do is plan some intermittent visits. If you can't be with him or visit, then the next best thing you can do is not annoy him with demands for phone calls.
And don't make the mistake of sending risque pictures or movies of yourself -- they may help for a few minutes but that's it. It's not worth the risk of them winding up on the internet if you two break up.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
He wants sex but she doesn't want the pain
Natasha, from: normal IL, asks: Well I have a different kind of question. You may not want to answer it but my boyfriend and I are going to have sex. It is my first time and I don't really want to have the pain. So what do I do tell him, maybe a different time? We are getting married in 5 years and I'm not sure I am ready to get down to business.
VictorM's advice: You should tell him "I am not ready to get down to business". You have every right to expect him to respect your wishes.
But if the reason you're not ready is just because of the pain, well, then you should reconsider for these reasons: you may not feel any pain (not all girls do); there are plenty of ways to minimize the pain with lubricants and care on his part; and delaying it won't lessen the pain if you're predisposed to feel pain.
But if there's any doubt on your part, delaying the sex now, which you can always have later, is a lot better than doing something you'll regret because that will last a lifetime.
I'll say one more thing. Unless you're holding back for moral values or because you're not sure this is the right guy then I say take the plunge! It's only sex; it's not root canal! (Of course, protection, protection, protection!)
VictorM's advice: You should tell him "I am not ready to get down to business". You have every right to expect him to respect your wishes.
But if the reason you're not ready is just because of the pain, well, then you should reconsider for these reasons: you may not feel any pain (not all girls do); there are plenty of ways to minimize the pain with lubricants and care on his part; and delaying it won't lessen the pain if you're predisposed to feel pain.
But if there's any doubt on your part, delaying the sex now, which you can always have later, is a lot better than doing something you'll regret because that will last a lifetime.
I'll say one more thing. Unless you're holding back for moral values or because you're not sure this is the right guy then I say take the plunge! It's only sex; it's not root canal! (Of course, protection, protection, protection!)
Could he be looking for a threesome?
Sharon, 32, from Oregon, asks: I have been in a "relationship" with a 25 year old boy for almost 1 year. Although we are "friends with benefits", I feel like we are (were) pretty tight. He called me Christmas Eve, wanting to come over to my house. He brought over the woman he considers his "girlfriend". She obviously has no idea about him sleeping with me. Why would he do such a thing?
VictorM's advice: Althought there were benefits between you two, the operative word for him was "friend". For a guy to have sex with someone and have no emotional attachment is quite possible, and in this case, likely.
It's interesting that you called him a "boy" just because he's younger. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but could be that you haven't taken him very seriously. And even thought you characterize your relationship as "pretty tight" he didn't feel the same way.
Maybe he brought her over as pay back for a less then respectful treatment from you. Or maybe he's trying to tell you the "benefits" part is over. Or, being a guy, maybe he's hoping for a threesome (yes, yes, yes, it is just about every guy's fantasy!)
VictorM's advice: Althought there were benefits between you two, the operative word for him was "friend". For a guy to have sex with someone and have no emotional attachment is quite possible, and in this case, likely.
It's interesting that you called him a "boy" just because he's younger. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but could be that you haven't taken him very seriously. And even thought you characterize your relationship as "pretty tight" he didn't feel the same way.
Maybe he brought her over as pay back for a less then respectful treatment from you. Or maybe he's trying to tell you the "benefits" part is over. Or, being a guy, maybe he's hoping for a threesome (yes, yes, yes, it is just about every guy's fantasy!)
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
He couldn't perform sexually
joyce, 44, from wv, asks: I am a 44 year old married woman. I fell for a 48 year old man during a separation with my husband. He told me he loved me and wanted to make me his wife. I was the best thing he had ever found. He lives 1,000 miles away and has a young boy whom he says he has to stay close to but never sees because the child's mother won't let him. He would call every day, sometimes several times daily. Then down to once a day. All along saying he would be up to visit "real soon". It's been 4 months. Most recently I spoke with him, he said he would call back later that night, haven't heard yet. What do you call that?
p.s. When we were together he found excuses not to have sex, and when he actually attempted it, it was obvious there was some kind of problem.
VictorM's advice: He probably was sincere when he praised you and told you he loved you. But time, distance, and bruised ego (his sexual problems) have all combined to cool his engines off. His son is just an excuse that keeps him grounded where he is, but only because he's not ready for a serious relationship.
His sexual problem could be a major reason for his attitude -- it's quite humiliating for a man to not be able to perform. If only he was willing to do something about it, things could be different. After all, in the age of Viagra that problem can be alleviated.
I doubt there's anything you can do to change things. My advice is for you to look closer to home next time.
p.s. When we were together he found excuses not to have sex, and when he actually attempted it, it was obvious there was some kind of problem.
VictorM's advice: He probably was sincere when he praised you and told you he loved you. But time, distance, and bruised ego (his sexual problems) have all combined to cool his engines off. His son is just an excuse that keeps him grounded where he is, but only because he's not ready for a serious relationship.
His sexual problem could be a major reason for his attitude -- it's quite humiliating for a man to not be able to perform. If only he was willing to do something about it, things could be different. After all, in the age of Viagra that problem can be alleviated.
I doubt there's anything you can do to change things. My advice is for you to look closer to home next time.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
What's wrong with him?
mya, 44, from Texas, asks: I've been involved with a man for almost 4 years now. To me over the last two years I've felt it wasn't ever going to work into what I am looking for which is a companion and possible marriage. He has 2 small children from his 2nd marriage and has 2 businesses that keep him very busy. I never see him except maybe 5 or 6 times a month. I've tried to tell him it's not working and have tried to break things off a dozen times, I even started dating other guys and he found out and acted like an idiot. He always comes back with all this stuff he's going to do and blah blah. He won't leave me alone, especially if he thinks he can't have me anymore. I guess I wanted to believe him then because I loved him, but now I'm just tired of it and tired of being alone all the time. How do I get rid of him? I think he's lying and saying anything to keep me where he wants me, he's even started telling me he loves me and talking about our future. I don't even listen anymore to half the things he says, because I know he's full of it. I have found out that if I actually take him up on some of the things he offers like him helping me move, or buying me a ring for Christmas, he disappears. He calls everyday, his record is 96 times one night when I turned my phone off. He begs me to come back, wants to have dinner with my parents, pay my books so I won't have to work part time at night. But as soon as he says all that, it's like it never happened. What is wrong with him? I know what's wrong with me..I've been stupid. But I'm smarting up now..I think I'm just trying to understand what is going on in his head, so I'll know what approach to take this time to make it stick.
VictorM's advice: The guy is emotionally sick. And you've fed his sickness for far too long. Now, in a sick way, you're part of his life whether you like it or not. If you broke things off a dozen times, that means you've taken him back eleven times -- you're not helping yourself.
I assume that total lack of contact with him is out of the question for you, for whatever reason, because you haven't done it. Me saying it isn't going to change that.
But I think you said one thing that might help: "I have found out that if I actually take him up on some of the things he offers like... he disappeared." How about every time you talk to him, you ask him for something expensive: a diamond ring, a vacation to an exotic place, a car, a gallon of gasoline, treatment for an STD (make one up)... and watch him vanish from your life. For a while anyway.
VictorM's advice: The guy is emotionally sick. And you've fed his sickness for far too long. Now, in a sick way, you're part of his life whether you like it or not. If you broke things off a dozen times, that means you've taken him back eleven times -- you're not helping yourself.
I assume that total lack of contact with him is out of the question for you, for whatever reason, because you haven't done it. Me saying it isn't going to change that.
But I think you said one thing that might help: "I have found out that if I actually take him up on some of the things he offers like... he disappeared." How about every time you talk to him, you ask him for something expensive: a diamond ring, a vacation to an exotic place, a car, a gallon of gasoline, treatment for an STD (make one up)... and watch him vanish from your life. For a while anyway.
Monday, December 26, 2005
I don't want to disobey my parents but...
arianna jackson, 15, from: Sacremento,CA asks: I am 15 and my boyfriend is 20. I know my parents wouldn't approve of this but we really like each other. They think that since he is 20 he would be only after only 1 thing: sex, but he's not. He hasn't even mentioned having sex with me in our conversations, and he respects me highly. And his mother and my mother have become the best of friends, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to disobey my parents but I want to choose who I want to love at the same time.
VictorM's advice: If you want to do the right thing, you recognize that at 15 your parents have a say in much of your life. By objecting to someones age they aren't telling you who to love, just saying not yet.
I assume that you have not actually talk to your parents about this so you're just guessing what their reaction will be. This may be a case of it being easier to get forgiveness than to get approval. By that I mean, if you're seeing him now and your parents haven't specifically told you not to see him, you're not disobeying them -- I'd keep it that way. However, if you want to be able to see him freely, with their consent, you should tell them and hope for the best. Remember, the answer is always "no" if you never ask.
VictorM's advice: If you want to do the right thing, you recognize that at 15 your parents have a say in much of your life. By objecting to someones age they aren't telling you who to love, just saying not yet.
I assume that you have not actually talk to your parents about this so you're just guessing what their reaction will be. This may be a case of it being easier to get forgiveness than to get approval. By that I mean, if you're seeing him now and your parents haven't specifically told you not to see him, you're not disobeying them -- I'd keep it that way. However, if you want to be able to see him freely, with their consent, you should tell them and hope for the best. Remember, the answer is always "no" if you never ask.
I'm really sick and bored of him
sarah harvey, 13, from colchester, asks: My boyfriend asked me to be boyfriend and girlfriend, but I only said yes cos I didn't wanna hurt his feelings. It's been two days now and I'm really sick and bored of him. He's so boring! I also fancy someone else, so shall I dump him? An how shall I dump him? Text message? Note? Face to face???? help!!
VictorM's advice: Two days? Even Britney Spears' fun marriage lasted longer! I think once you said Yes to him you have to stay with him, marry him, have his children, and make his life a living hell.
OK, I'm just kidding.
You tell him face to face that it's not working out. Just like that. Say: [his name], this isn't working out. I'm sorry but we must brake up. See ya". He'll probably just say: "OK".
VictorM's advice: Two days? Even Britney Spears' fun marriage lasted longer! I think once you said Yes to him you have to stay with him, marry him, have his children, and make his life a living hell.
OK, I'm just kidding.
You tell him face to face that it's not working out. Just like that. Say: [his name], this isn't working out. I'm sorry but we must brake up. See ya". He'll probably just say: "OK".
Sunday, December 25, 2005
My guy friend and his jealous girlfriend
Lisa, 21, from Chicago, asks: I've been friends with my guy friend for over 2 years. When I was in a relationship, he developed more than friends feelings for me. When I kept resisting he stopped seeing me and calling me for a month to get over it. He came back and we were great friends again. Now that he has a girlfriend, he isn't allowed to talk or see me, as his girlfriend is extremely jealous and insecure of anyone being around her boyfriend. He recently told me he couldn't talk to me anymore even though he has said he wants to be friends still. Do I just stay out of his relationship and stop trying to make an effort to stay friends with him? He's been with me through many tough times for me and think it's unfair for him to drop me when I stuck with him when he was hitting on me when I had a boyfriend. What's your advice?
VictorM's advice: Yes, you stay away from him. Friendship isn't measured on what your friends can do for you; it's what you do for each other. Maybe he isn't living up to that standard, but he has an excuse; you don't. If talking to him will cause him problems, you wouldn't be much of a friend if you were OK with that.
Now, is he in a stupid relationship? Yes. Will he regret it? Yes. And when he regrets it are you going to shove it in his face or will you be supportive? If you're a good friend, the answer to that is obvious.
VictorM's advice: Yes, you stay away from him. Friendship isn't measured on what your friends can do for you; it's what you do for each other. Maybe he isn't living up to that standard, but he has an excuse; you don't. If talking to him will cause him problems, you wouldn't be much of a friend if you were OK with that.
Now, is he in a stupid relationship? Yes. Will he regret it? Yes. And when he regrets it are you going to shove it in his face or will you be supportive? If you're a good friend, the answer to that is obvious.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Example: question I won't answer
[name withheld] asks: when i met my chilhood best friend aftr 6 yrs at d age of 12 i fell completely inluv with him. he also hinted sum times bt he didnt ask my felings himslf..he askd thru a commn friend who latr turnd out 2 b d villian here.anyway we lessnd our talks nd nw i'v shiftd 2 a difrnt citynd v r in touch thru emails...bt sumtimes he asks me 2 keep in touch nd reply whereas sumtimes he doesnt reply or replies late.wat do i take of dis? if he likes me den why doesnt he say it.
VictorM's comment: If you don't have the time to write it clearly, I don't have the time to answer it.
VictorM's comment: If you don't have the time to write it clearly, I don't have the time to answer it.
Long distance relationship jealousy
Jessica, 21, from Texas asks: I've had this long distance relationship for about five and a half years; it started senior year of high school. Ever since I had started college things were difficult since I became more and more busy. However, we got through the problems and just recently I've caused a gigantic screw up in the relationship. My boyfriend found out I had met another person a few weeks back, yet the person I met, I only saw once and from then had just been text messaged by the said person. He would ask me to go out with him and I always responded with no, I have other plans. I've tried to explain this to my boyfriend of how nothing came to pass and of how nothing would have come to pass even if he had never stumbled upon this situation. So to the question, he's giving me time to explain to him, to prove to him that this other person meant nothing and I haven't the first clue how. There's only so much I can do being so far away from him. Do I send him flowers, do I write him a poem, do I just give him space? I feel like he's slipping through my fingers and it's the worse feeling in the world. I know this is a pretty heavy situation for you to do deal with but any small bit of advice would work greatly. Thank you
VictorM's advice: Call me old-fashined or out of step with the times, but I find your whole relationship and how you both react to things totally unnatural, bizarre, and unhealthy. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but being 18 through 21 without physical contact, just chatting or talking on the phone, and then saying that merely talking to some guy is a "gigantic screw up"? And you boyfriend is losing his panties over this?
OK, this may be the worst advice ever but this is what I'd say to your boyfriend: "Listen, you freak of living nature, that guy meant nothing to me and unless you shut the hell up, you'll mean nothing to me too".
Wait. That doesn't sound like mature advice. Let me think it over...
OK, I thought it over, that is my advice.
And if you lose him, consider yourself lucky.
VictorM's advice: Call me old-fashined or out of step with the times, but I find your whole relationship and how you both react to things totally unnatural, bizarre, and unhealthy. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but being 18 through 21 without physical contact, just chatting or talking on the phone, and then saying that merely talking to some guy is a "gigantic screw up"? And you boyfriend is losing his panties over this?
OK, this may be the worst advice ever but this is what I'd say to your boyfriend: "Listen, you freak of living nature, that guy meant nothing to me and unless you shut the hell up, you'll mean nothing to me too".
Wait. That doesn't sound like mature advice. Let me think it over...
OK, I thought it over, that is my advice.
And if you lose him, consider yourself lucky.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Invitation to Christmas eve
confused, 25, from NJ, asks: Ok, so the holidays are in 2 days and I asked my boyfriend to attend 2 family functions of mine, one being Christmas eve. He would like to see his cousin and his family on that day also which is fine but it seems like he didn't have any intention of inviting me. So, I basically invited myself. But he says that I should know that I am invited. How am I supposed to know if he doesn't invite me? Now I don't want him to come to my family functions because of this. What should I do?
VictorM's advice: Oh come on, stop acting like a baby. Yeah, he should have made it clear you're invited but your method of retaliation is childish at best. Don't cave in to that negative reaction.
I agree that he should have specifically invited you but unless you have doubts that he's sincere about wanting you there, consider this a small faux pas and be glad that you'll be with him and his family and glad that he'll be with you and your family. And have a Merry Christmas together.
VictorM's advice: Oh come on, stop acting like a baby. Yeah, he should have made it clear you're invited but your method of retaliation is childish at best. Don't cave in to that negative reaction.
I agree that he should have specifically invited you but unless you have doubts that he's sincere about wanting you there, consider this a small faux pas and be glad that you'll be with him and his family and glad that he'll be with you and your family. And have a Merry Christmas together.
No friend with benefits for me
Kayla, 18, from New York, asks: There is this guy that I go to school with, and I guess you could say we've had a thing for each other for the past month or two. Just last week, right before we went on break from college for a month, we had sex. We never really talked about it or planned it, it was something that just kind of happened. I'm not the type of girl who is into "friends with benefits" types of relationships at all. In fact the only other guy I've had sex with was in a long term relationship, and I always told myself I wouldn't have sex if I wasn't involved with the person. But it happened, and I don't regret it but I would like MORE to come out of this (a relationship) eventually. Problem is, I don't know if I have ruined my chances by having sex with him already while we aren't in a relationship. I know some guys have that mentality of "oh she already had sex with me, I don't need anything more now." Although I don't think he is this type of guy, because he was quite concerned if I really wanted to have sex with him, and that he didn't want me to regret anything and whatnot. Now, I don't know how to bring it up, or if I should even bring up the fact that I would like what we have to progress into a relationship. I won't be seeing him for the next month because we live hours apart, and I really would prefer talking about this in person but I'll do otherwise if necessary. He really hasn't given me any signs that he WOULDN'T want a relationship, except for the fact that since we've been home we haven't really been talking all that much. I just contribute this to the fact that we are now far away and whatnot...I would just prefer some insight on what a real guy would be thinking in this situation, and what I should do... THANK YOU ARG!-longtime fan all the way back from PJ's
VictorM's advice: Hey, no one has called me ARG since... um... yesterday.
Wow, are you making something out of nothing. Sounds to me like you have the makings of a good thing. In typical guy-girl difference, he's not rushing to a relationship; you are. But you both are sending the same message -- affection for each other. So, relax, take a deep breath, enjoy your holidays, and be ready to let this "thing" flow into place.
This is not the 19th century. Having sex after a month or two is hardly the thing that most guys today would consider a red flag. But, given your preference for sex in a committed relationship, I'd make my stand next time sex seems eminent -- and it will. Just say you need to slow things down because you're not into casual sex. At that point he'll either back away (meaning he's not ready to commit), or he'll say this is not casual (meaning he's ready for a relationship).
I have a feeling this is all gonna work out for you. Name a kid after me (just pick which name wisely).
VictorM's advice: Hey, no one has called me ARG since... um... yesterday.
Wow, are you making something out of nothing. Sounds to me like you have the makings of a good thing. In typical guy-girl difference, he's not rushing to a relationship; you are. But you both are sending the same message -- affection for each other. So, relax, take a deep breath, enjoy your holidays, and be ready to let this "thing" flow into place.
This is not the 19th century. Having sex after a month or two is hardly the thing that most guys today would consider a red flag. But, given your preference for sex in a committed relationship, I'd make my stand next time sex seems eminent -- and it will. Just say you need to slow things down because you're not into casual sex. At that point he'll either back away (meaning he's not ready to commit), or he'll say this is not casual (meaning he's ready for a relationship).
I have a feeling this is all gonna work out for you. Name a kid after me (just pick which name wisely).
I feel my boyfriend stole something
Confused, 15, from Ohio, asks: My boyfriend and I have been been dating for almost 8 months but now I feel that maybe he stole something from my mom and neighbor. I asked him about it but he claimed he didn't do it. Should I believe him?
VictorM's advice: There are two issues here. One issue is, did he actually steal something? I can't say and neither can you. But the other issue is one of trust. You don't trust him or you wouldn't be asking me. And without trust he is nothing but a bunch of bones and flesh with hands that you'll always wonder what they're up to.
VictorM's advice: There are two issues here. One issue is, did he actually steal something? I can't say and neither can you. But the other issue is one of trust. You don't trust him or you wouldn't be asking me. And without trust he is nothing but a bunch of bones and flesh with hands that you'll always wonder what they're up to.
How can I tell if we're in a relationship
kari, 18, from utah, asks: I am wondering how i can tell if I am dating a guy or if he thinks we are in a relationship? I am sort of still seeing a guy in jail. And the new guy knows this but he calls me his girl. Please help.
VictorM's advice: You talk about it with him, not me.
VictorM's advice: You talk about it with him, not me.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Husband has obsession with porn
Emma, 28, from FL, asks: I'm happily married and we have a child together. But I've recently learned that my husband has an obsession with pornography. I suddenly feel... useless and unwanted. I even fear that although my husband says he loves me and that he is very happy in our relationship that he will look elsewhere for sex. Does an obsession with porn lead to infidelity? I am very scared about this and would love your opinion. Thank you!
VictorM's advice: For men, the relationship between the feelings of love and physical sex is flimsy at best. Yes, I believe he can be in love with you regardless of his attraction to porn. And no, I don't believe that by itself his porn habits will lead to infidelity.
Porn feeds into a desire for fantasy much more than a desire for physical contact. He has the porn stars to feed his fantasies and you to feed his physical needs. Don't correlate him watching porn with him not wanting you. In fact, in many instances men use the porn to fulfill fantasies that they think are too demeaning for their partner. I know, it sounds strange, but there's an element of respect there.
Don't get me wrong. Having a porn obsession is not a good thing. If I were you, I wouldn't encourage it and I wouldn't condone it. It could be a phase that will pass or it could be his way of dealing with aging (guys get into their 30's and all kinds of wacky things happen). Either way, I hope for your sake that it's temporary because obsessions are never a good thing, and porn is not exception.
VictorM's advice: For men, the relationship between the feelings of love and physical sex is flimsy at best. Yes, I believe he can be in love with you regardless of his attraction to porn. And no, I don't believe that by itself his porn habits will lead to infidelity.
Porn feeds into a desire for fantasy much more than a desire for physical contact. He has the porn stars to feed his fantasies and you to feed his physical needs. Don't correlate him watching porn with him not wanting you. In fact, in many instances men use the porn to fulfill fantasies that they think are too demeaning for their partner. I know, it sounds strange, but there's an element of respect there.
Don't get me wrong. Having a porn obsession is not a good thing. If I were you, I wouldn't encourage it and I wouldn't condone it. It could be a phase that will pass or it could be his way of dealing with aging (guys get into their 30's and all kinds of wacky things happen). Either way, I hope for your sake that it's temporary because obsessions are never a good thing, and porn is not exception.
More porn obsession
Tammy, 25, from Florida, asks: I have a guy I am truly in love with and our relationship has been great for a year and a half until recently we've had some disagreements. We have sex just not that much but when we do it's great about once a week. Recently his porn collection has started to bother me. He has stacks of about 30 magazines in the bathroom under the sink, about 5 videos and about 10 DVD's and toys for himself and lotions that he uses on himself. He doesn't really use them with us. I've been catching him lately masturbating on the couch in the middle of the night a lot and sometimes if I go to the store I come home and he's in the bathroom forever and I catch him then too. This is really bothering me. I told him I understand porn is a guy thing and I don't mind but I hate the barley legal, and cheri teen crap. I told him if you want to look at porn that's fine but look at women not these stupid younger girl crap some of those girls look really young it's just sick. He swears that our sex life isn't the problem and he's happy with me but I can't deal with this anymore I'm almost ready to end this, it will kill me because I love him but I can't share him with every slut in those magazines? What do I do?
VictorM's advice: "I can't share him with every slut in those magazines". This statement highlights the difference between girls and guys about porn. From his point of view there's no sharing at all. He loves you and only uses the images of those girls to fulfill some fantasies. Imagine him being as angry with you over your love for shoes, or nail polish, or a new outfit. Because from a guy's point of view, porn models generate the same level of emotional attachment as a pair of shoes does to you.
Having said, I still find the frequency of masturbation, particularly with you around, quite odd and extreme. You have a valid reason to be concerned. I can't blame you for feeling so frustrated. Not matter how much you love him, this is a warning sign you can't ignore.
Talk to him purely about how it makes you feel, and of your wish to have a partner with a more conventional sex behavior. If he's unwilling or unable to change, as I suspect will be the case, well... I think you have a big decision to make.
I'll suggest one more thing. Try to get him to see a professional therapist. I wouldn't hold out too much hope, but try it anyway. His refusal should motivate you to make the difficult choice.
VictorM's advice: "I can't share him with every slut in those magazines". This statement highlights the difference between girls and guys about porn. From his point of view there's no sharing at all. He loves you and only uses the images of those girls to fulfill some fantasies. Imagine him being as angry with you over your love for shoes, or nail polish, or a new outfit. Because from a guy's point of view, porn models generate the same level of emotional attachment as a pair of shoes does to you.
Having said, I still find the frequency of masturbation, particularly with you around, quite odd and extreme. You have a valid reason to be concerned. I can't blame you for feeling so frustrated. Not matter how much you love him, this is a warning sign you can't ignore.
Talk to him purely about how it makes you feel, and of your wish to have a partner with a more conventional sex behavior. If he's unwilling or unable to change, as I suspect will be the case, well... I think you have a big decision to make.
I'll suggest one more thing. Try to get him to see a professional therapist. I wouldn't hold out too much hope, but try it anyway. His refusal should motivate you to make the difficult choice.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
He has anxiety over this relationship
Cindy, 40, from Texas, asks: I have been in a relationship with a man who at 44 has never been married and has only lived with a girl to whom he was engaged to back in college. He broke off that relationship because it didn't feel right. He is very successful and keeps very active with friends and activities. He said he wanted to settle down and wasn't interested in wasting time dating for years. But after 1 1/2 years together he was having anxiety about moving forward (or backward) in this relationship. I tried to be understanding and patient, but he was finding little minor faults in me that made him question our compatibility. I wanted more of a commitment and needed to get him to make a move. I retreated, gave him time to think about it, and made myself not so available. He has kept in contact with me via calls & e-mails and was keeping very busy. Recently we agreed to meet to talk things out. He does not feel he can be in a full time serious, relationship and he feels less stress being alone. He said he needs to be surrounded by lots of people to be mentally stimulated, but also said he thinks about me every day and misses me very much. The info he gives me is conflicting. He said I am very important to him, he just can't give me what I want. I set him free again. Did I do the right thing? I love him but bailed in order to get him to step up to the plate. Now I regret it all.
VictorM's advice: Sounds to me like this guy has been honest and direct with you. He's conflicted but I see nothing conflicting about his message. That you don't understand him gives him reason to pause. I can't blame him.
Whether you mean to or not, the message he perceives is that you're an all or nothing woman -- he either has you or he has his social life style, but not both. I'd say his anxiety is justified: you want "more of a commitment", you "retreated", you want him to "think about it", you made yourself "not so available", you "set him free", you "bailed", and you want him "to step up to the plate". Jeez, he's 44 and you sound like his mother.
His message to you is clear: if you want him you have to accept sharing him with an active social life style. The message he's getting from you is clear: no dice, buddy. I want to own your heart and your balls.
You clearly have a right to want a man that will satisfy your wishes. This one may not be that man. And he clearly has a right to say giving up freedom is too high a price to pay for your love.
VictorM's advice: Sounds to me like this guy has been honest and direct with you. He's conflicted but I see nothing conflicting about his message. That you don't understand him gives him reason to pause. I can't blame him.
Whether you mean to or not, the message he perceives is that you're an all or nothing woman -- he either has you or he has his social life style, but not both. I'd say his anxiety is justified: you want "more of a commitment", you "retreated", you want him to "think about it", you made yourself "not so available", you "set him free", you "bailed", and you want him "to step up to the plate". Jeez, he's 44 and you sound like his mother.
His message to you is clear: if you want him you have to accept sharing him with an active social life style. The message he's getting from you is clear: no dice, buddy. I want to own your heart and your balls.
You clearly have a right to want a man that will satisfy your wishes. This one may not be that man. And he clearly has a right to say giving up freedom is too high a price to pay for your love.
Sex after one month. Will he lose respect?
cheshire gal, 15, from cheshire, asks: I have been seeing a guy for about a month and last night we got *intermate* didn't sleep together but now I'm scared that he will think I'm easy and will have lost his respect for me as we have only been seeing each other for about a month. Will he have lost respect for me and how long should i leave it before i talk to him? thank you.
VictorM's advice: I'm going to assume you meant *intimate but we didn't sleep together*, unless "intermate" is a term I never heard of.
I can't tell what his values are but if you felt that after one month it was time, that's your value system. And if he loses respect for you, well, then your value systems aren't a match. I doubt you'd be together very long in that case. But he may be happy about what happened, so don't assume the worst.
You should talk to him right away. And don't be on the defensive when you do. If he had reservations about what you two did shame on him for allowing it to happen. He's as responsible as you are.
But you ought to at least know more about your partner before you do stuff that makes you worry. Think about that before you get *intermate" again.
VictorM's advice: I'm going to assume you meant *intimate but we didn't sleep together*, unless "intermate" is a term I never heard of.
I can't tell what his values are but if you felt that after one month it was time, that's your value system. And if he loses respect for you, well, then your value systems aren't a match. I doubt you'd be together very long in that case. But he may be happy about what happened, so don't assume the worst.
You should talk to him right away. And don't be on the defensive when you do. If he had reservations about what you two did shame on him for allowing it to happen. He's as responsible as you are.
But you ought to at least know more about your partner before you do stuff that makes you worry. Think about that before you get *intermate" again.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
He got into MAJOR DEBT!
Amy, 23, from Pennsylvania, asks: Hi, I just got engaged about 5 months ago and for a while everything was going great. Then my fiancee starting changing his personality big time, he became the most miserable person on the planet. It turns out that the business that he just recently started went south. He got into MAJOR DEBT! He says that he still wants to marry me for sure. I love him and want to marry him to, but do you marry a person who is in major debt??
VictorM's advice: Lot's of people come out of college with major debt. By itself, that wouldn't be a good reason to avoid marriage, even if money is a big deal in a relationship. I would consider his work ethic, responsibility, and drive before I write him off. Did he just have bad luck? Was it a wild goose chase from the beginning? Did he learn anything? Does he have prospects to be able to pay it back? Does he have lousy money management skills?
There are legal concerns with a large debt. You should consult a lawyer about it. Loving him is all nice and good, but you have to make sure that the financial situation won't erode that love and make your life more of a hardship than it needs to be.
But if you decide to hold off on marrying him go through his apartment and take any valuables before the creditors do. Hey, love is one thing, but a good toaster is priceless.
VictorM's advice: Lot's of people come out of college with major debt. By itself, that wouldn't be a good reason to avoid marriage, even if money is a big deal in a relationship. I would consider his work ethic, responsibility, and drive before I write him off. Did he just have bad luck? Was it a wild goose chase from the beginning? Did he learn anything? Does he have prospects to be able to pay it back? Does he have lousy money management skills?
There are legal concerns with a large debt. You should consult a lawyer about it. Loving him is all nice and good, but you have to make sure that the financial situation won't erode that love and make your life more of a hardship than it needs to be.
But if you decide to hold off on marrying him go through his apartment and take any valuables before the creditors do. Hey, love is one thing, but a good toaster is priceless.
I ran into an old boyfriend
SASHA, 30, from Virginia, asks: I ran into an old boyfriend that I still have tremendous feelings for. I've been married for 8 years w/ 2 kids and I am absolutely happy in my marriage. However, since I saw my old flame , I cannot get him off of my mind. He shows up in my dreams, day or night, and I am starting to get worried about it. It's been 7 months since I saw him. Should I talk to my husband about these feelings I'm having?
VictorM's advice: No! No! No! In case I didn't make myself clear let me say it again:
NO!
It would do you no good to tell your husband. There's nothing he can do about it anyway and it's quite an unfair burden you'd place on him. Chances are he won't understand and you'll just be creating problems. Even if he understands, chances are that at some point this will work against you. Guys don't generally accept the idea that some other guy is on your mind.
The old flame brought back good memories and they are a source of escapism from the daily routine of raising two kids. Sorta like the person who buys a one dollar ticket and until drawing day daydreams about what they will do with $20 million. But hey, they only lost a dollar. Don't you go losing a lot more over a lot less. Keep it to yourself.
VictorM's advice: No! No! No! In case I didn't make myself clear let me say it again:
NO!
It would do you no good to tell your husband. There's nothing he can do about it anyway and it's quite an unfair burden you'd place on him. Chances are he won't understand and you'll just be creating problems. Even if he understands, chances are that at some point this will work against you. Guys don't generally accept the idea that some other guy is on your mind.
The old flame brought back good memories and they are a source of escapism from the daily routine of raising two kids. Sorta like the person who buys a one dollar ticket and until drawing day daydreams about what they will do with $20 million. But hey, they only lost a dollar. Don't you go losing a lot more over a lot less. Keep it to yourself.
Boyfriend is moving to Arizona
Becky, 21, from Ny, asks: My boyfriend of 13 months is leaving me in less then 2 weeks for college in Arizona. He's going to be gone for 2 1/2 yrs. And we've talked about marriage and what not. He's even asked me if I'd move with him to wherever he would be doing work and what not. It's just I am not sure how sure he is about commitment. He won't talk to me about it unless its just joking around things. Please help.!!
VictorM's advice: He asked you to move with him and you two have talked about marriage. I don't think that he's the one who's not sure; I think it's you who's not sure. And with good reason. It's a scary proposition.
Let him go now and make these decisions later, after he's been there for a while.
VictorM's advice: He asked you to move with him and you two have talked about marriage. I don't think that he's the one who's not sure; I think it's you who's not sure. And with good reason. It's a scary proposition.
Let him go now and make these decisions later, after he's been there for a while.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Husband not talking
Pam, 23, from media, asks: My husband has not spoken to me since Tuesday of last week. Regardless of the reason, which by the way was a misunderstanding on his part, isn't he wrong to cut off all communication? Do I go on ignoring him and only speaking to him when I have to or what?
VictorM's advice: Short answers: Yes, he's wrong. Yes, you ignore him.
Now, longer answer: Your husband is acting very immature. No matter how bad the cause of the rift, there is no excuse for not communicating. Obviously he's angry at you and if you hang around him like a puppy wanting him to talk, that gives him all the control and encourages his behavior (which right now is like a child). If you don't make a fuss, he'll either start talking to you or he'll get angrier. But if he gets angrier and you're not paying attention to him, he'll have to talk to you even if it's just to fight because he needs you to know he's angry. But that's a good start. Fighting with words is better than fighting with silence.
Of course, you'll probably wanna duct tape his mouth shut once he starts yelling, but hey, you can't have everything.
VictorM's advice: Short answers: Yes, he's wrong. Yes, you ignore him.
Now, longer answer: Your husband is acting very immature. No matter how bad the cause of the rift, there is no excuse for not communicating. Obviously he's angry at you and if you hang around him like a puppy wanting him to talk, that gives him all the control and encourages his behavior (which right now is like a child). If you don't make a fuss, he'll either start talking to you or he'll get angrier. But if he gets angrier and you're not paying attention to him, he'll have to talk to you even if it's just to fight because he needs you to know he's angry. But that's a good start. Fighting with words is better than fighting with silence.
Of course, you'll probably wanna duct tape his mouth shut once he starts yelling, but hey, you can't have everything.
Trapped between childhood and adulthood
Tracy, 20, from Maine, asks: Me and my boyfriend have been together now for over 2 years. I am so much in love with him and he says he is too, and we recently had a child. But things aren't what they should be. I have caught him in so many small lies that keep becoming more often, and the lies he tells is to cover him up for something he has or hasn't done. Also he seems to be addicted to his computer, but yet very secretive about what he is doing. Actually he is very secretive about everything! I know he has a fetish with porn, and i guess it seems to be taking my place. We are no longer close anymore and I have tried to talk to him about it, and now he seems like he is "pretending" to be close to me at times. I am so hurt and confused and I don't want to leave him if it's something that can be fixed. Is it too far gone or are things still fixable?
VictorM's advice: Assuming he's around your age, don't even think about leaving. You haven't said anything that suggest you can't fix this relationship.
Having a child is a big deal. Some of his "small lies" may reflect nothing more than someone who hasn't grown-up yet. Spending too much time on the computer also suggest a form of escape from the pressures that he's not yet ready to handle.
My advice is give him some slack for sometime. He needs to adjust to being a father and having a family. If you pressure him, he'll retreat even more to the world he knows best -- secrecy, computer, porn. Maybe it's time to treat him, for a little bit, like your second child and exercise some patience.
Will he ever come around? I don't know, but that he even "pretends" to be close when you talk to him about it is a good sign. He's just trapped between childhood and adulthood. Let him have one; he might embrace the other.
VictorM's advice: Assuming he's around your age, don't even think about leaving. You haven't said anything that suggest you can't fix this relationship.
Having a child is a big deal. Some of his "small lies" may reflect nothing more than someone who hasn't grown-up yet. Spending too much time on the computer also suggest a form of escape from the pressures that he's not yet ready to handle.
My advice is give him some slack for sometime. He needs to adjust to being a father and having a family. If you pressure him, he'll retreat even more to the world he knows best -- secrecy, computer, porn. Maybe it's time to treat him, for a little bit, like your second child and exercise some patience.
Will he ever come around? I don't know, but that he even "pretends" to be close when you talk to him about it is a good sign. He's just trapped between childhood and adulthood. Let him have one; he might embrace the other.
Jerks
Brokensmile, 13, from Texas, asks: Why are guys such jerks?
VictorM's advice: Well, they are at your age. That's to lower expectations for later in life. They get slightly better as they get older. Like when they're 84. Then they die.
So you only have about 70 years to go before life is bliss.
VictorM's advice: Well, they are at your age. That's to lower expectations for later in life. They get slightly better as they get older. Like when they're 84. Then they die.
So you only have about 70 years to go before life is bliss.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
He said he loved me but broke up with me
Jazmin, 18, from Texas, asks: Me and my ex boyfriend lasted 7 months going on to 8. We were really close and we fell in love so soon. He said he loved me very much but just 2 days ago he broke up with me. He said because he didn't feel the same about me anymore. He also said because I was going to graduate and leave him because he is younger than me but I just don't understand why all of the sudden he broke up with me. Should I ask him why? I really miss him a lot. He was my first love!
VictorM's advice: Don't bother asking him why. He'll just make stuff up to avoid hurting your feeling. But it's not the age; after all, he knew the ages 7 months ago.
He just fell out of love with you. It happens. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that there is something you could have done differently. Many times, for reasons we can't really explain, love just fades. I'm guessing that's what happened to him.
Assuming I'm right, he did the right thing by breaking up with you. Now he can move on and so should you. He was your first love but he won't be your last. And when you move on I hope you remember your first love with affection. Carrying good memories in your heart only makes you a happier person.
Concentrate your energies on the future; the past is out of your control.
VictorM's advice: Don't bother asking him why. He'll just make stuff up to avoid hurting your feeling. But it's not the age; after all, he knew the ages 7 months ago.
He just fell out of love with you. It happens. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that there is something you could have done differently. Many times, for reasons we can't really explain, love just fades. I'm guessing that's what happened to him.
Assuming I'm right, he did the right thing by breaking up with you. Now he can move on and so should you. He was your first love but he won't be your last. And when you move on I hope you remember your first love with affection. Carrying good memories in your heart only makes you a happier person.
Concentrate your energies on the future; the past is out of your control.
He's been avoiding me
Mary, 16, from Salem, Oregon, asks: I've been dating my boyfriend for almost two months now, and his anti-social behaviours have been really getting on my nerves. When we do hangout it's so much fun, we have great chemistry and we get along really well. But lately especially it seems like he's been avoiding me. When I call, he doesn't want to talk really, when I want to hangout he always has an excuse. It seems like he only ever wants to see me when HE feels like it, even though I do things with him when I don't really want to. Why doesn't he want to see me? I really don't think I'm being too overbearing or anything, so is it my fault or is it just his problem?
VictorM's advice: You're in no position to say whether or not you're overbearing -- he is. It's a subjective call. Different people have different tolerance for how other people come across. Judging by his behavior, he probably disagrees with your assessment.
But this whole thing is not a matter of fault; it's just a matter of two people going out and seeing if they are a good fit. Some people are accomodating (you) and others aren't (him). There's no right or wrong; it's a difference in behavior that you either adjust to or you don't.
You should talk to him, not in terms of right or wrong, but in terms of your feelings and your preference. How he reacts should give you a clue as to whether it's time to move on.
VictorM's advice: You're in no position to say whether or not you're overbearing -- he is. It's a subjective call. Different people have different tolerance for how other people come across. Judging by his behavior, he probably disagrees with your assessment.
But this whole thing is not a matter of fault; it's just a matter of two people going out and seeing if they are a good fit. Some people are accomodating (you) and others aren't (him). There's no right or wrong; it's a difference in behavior that you either adjust to or you don't.
You should talk to him, not in terms of right or wrong, but in terms of your feelings and your preference. How he reacts should give you a clue as to whether it's time to move on.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Bikini style underwear
Jodie, 18, from Pennsylvania, asks: I recently started dating a guy who I really like. Yesterday while I was at his house he told me that he occasionally liked to wear bikini style underwear. I thought it was weird, but when he asked me, I told him "Who cares as long as your comfortable?" My question is do you think that this is a little odd?
VictorM's advice: If by "bikini style underwear" you mean briefs similar to the ones on this site, then I don't find it odd at all. Some guys like to feel that their family jewels are all nice and snug; those briefs do that. I'd even say that the style is quite popular among guys, particularly in Europe, but I'm sure they are popular enough just about everywhere else.
If when he's 50 he's still wearing those, now that's a different story (unless he's French).
VictorM's advice: If by "bikini style underwear" you mean briefs similar to the ones on this site, then I don't find it odd at all. Some guys like to feel that their family jewels are all nice and snug; those briefs do that. I'd even say that the style is quite popular among guys, particularly in Europe, but I'm sure they are popular enough just about everywhere else.
If when he's 50 he's still wearing those, now that's a different story (unless he's French).
He said he would call me
Kimberly, 45, from, Pennsylvania, asks: Hi, I have been dating a man 57, divorced with 3 grown children. We had a wonderful relationship, and I could tell he geninuely cared for me. Between my new job (I commute and don't get home until 7:00pm) and his schedule, we began to see less of one another. I became impatient with him and broke off our relationship. I felt that he wasn't making enough time for me. He didn't seem surprised. We have spoken briefly and both admitted that we miss the other. He said he would call me this past Sunday, and he did not. I am confused, and do not understand why men do this.
VictorM's advice: He might miss you but your impatience was a roadblock. At his age, he doesn't want to be treated like a pesky teenager who must account for his time to his parents.
Now, here's how the phone thing works. He's talking to you and the conversation is pleasant. The topic of future contact comes up. He can either duck the issue and deal with your impatience (or is it irritation? Temper? Nagging?) or he can avoid it by saying: "Yeah I'll blah blah blah... goodnight". Now, the next day all he remembers is talking to you and saying goodbye. The blah, blah, blah that helped him avoid something unpleasant with you has been erased and he's free to schedule a golf outing with his buddies on... let me see... um... Sunday!
OK, the short of it: he was being pleasant with you but he's no longer into you.
VictorM's advice: He might miss you but your impatience was a roadblock. At his age, he doesn't want to be treated like a pesky teenager who must account for his time to his parents.
Now, here's how the phone thing works. He's talking to you and the conversation is pleasant. The topic of future contact comes up. He can either duck the issue and deal with your impatience (or is it irritation? Temper? Nagging?) or he can avoid it by saying: "Yeah I'll blah blah blah... goodnight". Now, the next day all he remembers is talking to you and saying goodbye. The blah, blah, blah that helped him avoid something unpleasant with you has been erased and he's free to schedule a golf outing with his buddies on... let me see... um... Sunday!
OK, the short of it: he was being pleasant with you but he's no longer into you.
Should I get over it?
s kimmet, 17, from montana, asks: I told a guy friend of mine that I'm into him a few weeks ago. Since then, he hasn't said anything about it. He references my comment at times and we've been out on what seems like dates, but he hasn't been direct at all. He flirts and seems interested, yet he hasn't made a move. Should I get over it?
VictorM's advice: No, you don't have to get over it, but you made a mistake telling him you are into him. Now he gets cocky knowing that he can have you anytime he wants.
See him less, be cooler with him, make him chase you. Unless he feels he has to win you over, he'll just toy with you.
VictorM's advice: No, you don't have to get over it, but you made a mistake telling him you are into him. Now he gets cocky knowing that he can have you anytime he wants.
See him less, be cooler with him, make him chase you. Unless he feels he has to win you over, he'll just toy with you.
Friday, December 16, 2005
We got really intimate and did stuff
Helen, 15, from England, asks: I went out with my 17-year old boyfriend for almost a month and then we broke up. We are still really good friends and I think he still likes me but last night I went round to his house and we got really intimate and did stuff we didn't do whilst together. Why did he suddenly do this?
VictorM's advice: Because now that you're not his girlfriend you are forbidden fruit. And that, for most males, has enormous appeal (remember Adam and Eve and the apple story). Also, since you're not his girlfriend, and therefore expected to go along with making out, getting intimate with you provided a bigger challenge. That is a big motivator to males.
Now, I wouldn't draw any conclusions about his feelings for you based on this event. He may or may not care for you; that has nothing to do with the conquest last night. You were just a tempting apple and he couldn't resist taking a bite.
VictorM's advice: Because now that you're not his girlfriend you are forbidden fruit. And that, for most males, has enormous appeal (remember Adam and Eve and the apple story). Also, since you're not his girlfriend, and therefore expected to go along with making out, getting intimate with you provided a bigger challenge. That is a big motivator to males.
Now, I wouldn't draw any conclusions about his feelings for you based on this event. He may or may not care for you; that has nothing to do with the conquest last night. You were just a tempting apple and he couldn't resist taking a bite.
I just want him to be the way he was
Laura, 25, from California, asks: I am dating this guy. And things were going great for a while. I am hopelessly in love with him and I thought it was the same way for him. At least he used to be. Anyways he has become really distant in the past month or so. I don't think he is cheating. He is under a lot of stress. He tells me he loves me all the time, and most days even when he is in a bad mood I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. I just want him to be the way he was. How can I try to make this happen without offending him? And how am I suppose to deal with this?
VictorM's advice: His feelings for you may not have changed, but how he shows them has. To him, he's already proved to you that he loves you; therefore he doesn't have to keep doing it because, well, you should already know. He might even fear that if he did the same things he did before that you'd be pissed that he's too repetitive. See the traps we guys have to deal with?
Will any guy sustain the level of attention in a mature relationship that he did at first? Well, if there's such an oddball creature lurking on this planet, he's like a man Angelina Jolie couldn't get -- rare!
The only way I know you can get things as before is going out with a new guy every other month. If you think you'll find a man that matches this phantom character of your imagination that can keep going like the Energizer Bunny, you're going to be sorely mistaken and disappointed.
You have a guy that you can see in his eyes loves you. Frankly, you have a gold mine.
How to get some of that excitement back? Start by not accusing and not pressuring. Then accept that if YOU want something YOU have to do the work. So, if you two used to picnic under the moonlight, say to him that YOU miss those and YOU have planned one.
Oh, and ask him what he found exciting about you that you don't do anymore. I'll bet you that even if you can't see it, there will be plenty of those things too. (Tip: ask him more than once because the first time around he's going to say "nothing", but he's just being lazy or lying).
VictorM's advice: His feelings for you may not have changed, but how he shows them has. To him, he's already proved to you that he loves you; therefore he doesn't have to keep doing it because, well, you should already know. He might even fear that if he did the same things he did before that you'd be pissed that he's too repetitive. See the traps we guys have to deal with?
Will any guy sustain the level of attention in a mature relationship that he did at first? Well, if there's such an oddball creature lurking on this planet, he's like a man Angelina Jolie couldn't get -- rare!
The only way I know you can get things as before is going out with a new guy every other month. If you think you'll find a man that matches this phantom character of your imagination that can keep going like the Energizer Bunny, you're going to be sorely mistaken and disappointed.
You have a guy that you can see in his eyes loves you. Frankly, you have a gold mine.
How to get some of that excitement back? Start by not accusing and not pressuring. Then accept that if YOU want something YOU have to do the work. So, if you two used to picnic under the moonlight, say to him that YOU miss those and YOU have planned one.
Oh, and ask him what he found exciting about you that you don't do anymore. I'll bet you that even if you can't see it, there will be plenty of those things too. (Tip: ask him more than once because the first time around he's going to say "nothing", but he's just being lazy or lying).
Junior in a relationship with a senior
Victoria, 20, from Champaign, asks: I am a junior in college and I am in a relationship with a senior. He has been interviewing for jobs and pretty much getting really ready to grow up. We have been together for 9 months and I am not even ready about getting very serious because I don't think I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I think this is okay but it seems as if he and everyone around me think that we have been together for a significant amount of time and because college is almost over for him, I should be very committed and it should be very serious between us. I do not want this kind of a relationship. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had but I don't think it can go any farther if he is so serious. He loves me and I don't love him. I don't know if I should give myself a few more months or just end it now because I probably wont ever feel that strongly about him. I guess what I am asking is if I should be feeling that way already if I am ever going to feel that way. And if I should end it, how do you break up with someone who is so wonderful?
VictorM's advice: End it now. Do not wait. You're wasting your time and his. And you're not doing him any favors by misleading him, which is what you're doing now.
You break up by making it short and direct. No weepy speeches, do NOT talk about how good he is -- trust me, that doesn't help -- and most of all don't be vague. Talk in first person... "I don't feel... I don't think... I don't want... blah." Then walk away. How will he react? You don't know and you can't control it. All you can do is go about your life.
And don't feel bad. You're not in love with him. Stuff happens.
VictorM's advice: End it now. Do not wait. You're wasting your time and his. And you're not doing him any favors by misleading him, which is what you're doing now.
You break up by making it short and direct. No weepy speeches, do NOT talk about how good he is -- trust me, that doesn't help -- and most of all don't be vague. Talk in first person... "I don't feel... I don't think... I don't want... blah." Then walk away. How will he react? You don't know and you can't control it. All you can do is go about your life.
And don't feel bad. You're not in love with him. Stuff happens.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Sweetest, most romantic guy
Liz, 18, from Pennsylvania, asks: My boyfriend and I fell in love very quickly, and we are quite perfect for each other. We have often talked about our goals in life and about our future together. We've also talked about moving in together someday, and he has also told me "i'm going to marry you someday." Some weeks he is the sweetest, most romantic guy, but then the very next weekend he doesn't even call me or even talk to me. This is very confusing! Please help!
VictorM's advice: Oh, you mean he's not a little machine that behaves exactly the same way every time, and probably exactly as you would except? Welcome to the real world of humans.
What you feel is not really confusion; it's lack of understanding that people -- you included -- are unpredictable and their behavior is affected by many environmental factors, such as: mood, wanting time alone, being with his friends, having special interests (sports, video games, reading, etc), disdain for the phone, etc.
Give him the time he needs to recharge and come back as "the sweetest, most romantic guy". And while he's off recharding, find things to do on your own or with your friends, like... um... I don't know, shopping?
VictorM's advice: Oh, you mean he's not a little machine that behaves exactly the same way every time, and probably exactly as you would except? Welcome to the real world of humans.
What you feel is not really confusion; it's lack of understanding that people -- you included -- are unpredictable and their behavior is affected by many environmental factors, such as: mood, wanting time alone, being with his friends, having special interests (sports, video games, reading, etc), disdain for the phone, etc.
Give him the time he needs to recharge and come back as "the sweetest, most romantic guy". And while he's off recharding, find things to do on your own or with your friends, like... um... I don't know, shopping?
Daughter's boyfriend cheated
Laura, 43, from So Cali, asks: My 23 year old daughter recently came to me in tears saying that after she and her boyfriend were together for awhile, that he cheated on her. This is the 2nd guy and she is blaming herself. What do I say to her? She and this guy were already broken up when she found out. She is really hurting, and I just want to help if I can.
VictorM's advice: The most important thing about a relationship is not money, not compatibility, not even love; no, the most important thing is trust! Without trust you basically have lots of bad times.
Your daughter's tears are understandable. Not only for the betrayal, but because it makes it difficult for her to trust again. And without trust, well... lots of bad times.
Cheaters will cheat regardless of who their partner is. Cheaters have a greed that no one person, no matter who, can satisfy. So, there is nothing she could have done to prevent the cheating. No amount of makeup, no dressing differently, no being in better shape, no coloring her hair for him... nothing! Cheating is a reflection purely and squarely on the cheater, not the cheated.
Will she accept and understand that answer? Maybe someday but probably not now. If she doesn't, don't worry. Let her feel down, let her cry. These are the signs of a nice girl for if she took being betrayed so lightly she wouldn't value herself as much as she does (even if it feels like the opposite right now).
And if nothing else helps, take her to The Outback and order the Sydney Sinful Sundae with extra sauce and strawberries... mmmm that stuff is so good it makes all evil go away.
VictorM's advice: The most important thing about a relationship is not money, not compatibility, not even love; no, the most important thing is trust! Without trust you basically have lots of bad times.
Your daughter's tears are understandable. Not only for the betrayal, but because it makes it difficult for her to trust again. And without trust, well... lots of bad times.
Cheaters will cheat regardless of who their partner is. Cheaters have a greed that no one person, no matter who, can satisfy. So, there is nothing she could have done to prevent the cheating. No amount of makeup, no dressing differently, no being in better shape, no coloring her hair for him... nothing! Cheating is a reflection purely and squarely on the cheater, not the cheated.
Will she accept and understand that answer? Maybe someday but probably not now. If she doesn't, don't worry. Let her feel down, let her cry. These are the signs of a nice girl for if she took being betrayed so lightly she wouldn't value herself as much as she does (even if it feels like the opposite right now).
And if nothing else helps, take her to The Outback and order the Sydney Sinful Sundae with extra sauce and strawberries... mmmm that stuff is so good it makes all evil go away.
Oh no... fear of commitment
Anita, 21, from Lynchburg, Va, asks: I've been dating my boyfriend now for three years, 2 2/1 living with him but decided to try living separately for awhile. I want to marry him! I know in my heart that he is the right one for me and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He says the same but acts as if he is scared to really commit. We say we are getting married but he wants to wait a few more years. If we have been together for three years and we are gonna get married, why wait, why not make it legal and religiously legal? Please tell me why he seems so scared and wants to wait even longer?
VictorM's advice: Believe it or not, some guys take marriage very seriously. They see their role as the providers, not just for you (even if you work) but for his kids. While often mistaken as fear of commitment, for many guys it's just desire to get it right. That means having a job he feels secured with and that he's ready emotionally. Among guys your age, it's very common for them to feel they're not ready to be the kind of husband (meaning, provider) they want to be.
So, pay close attention: if you rush him and he feels pressure, that pressure just convinces him he's not ready. But if you lay off, he relaxes and with that comes confidence, which is more likely to make him feel he's ready.
So lay off him now; that'll improve your chances of a life time together -- then you can torture the poor guy to your heart's content.
VictorM's advice: Believe it or not, some guys take marriage very seriously. They see their role as the providers, not just for you (even if you work) but for his kids. While often mistaken as fear of commitment, for many guys it's just desire to get it right. That means having a job he feels secured with and that he's ready emotionally. Among guys your age, it's very common for them to feel they're not ready to be the kind of husband (meaning, provider) they want to be.
So, pay close attention: if you rush him and he feels pressure, that pressure just convinces him he's not ready. But if you lay off, he relaxes and with that comes confidence, which is more likely to make him feel he's ready.
So lay off him now; that'll improve your chances of a life time together -- then you can torture the poor guy to your heart's content.
Girl who has a ton of male friends
Diana, 19, from: Illinois asks: I'm one of those girls who has a ton of male friends, and no boyfriend. I get along great with men. I can make them laugh. I'm a huge video game fan. I don't obsess over clothes or celebrities (something I can quote my guy friends as saying they hate). My male friends say they can talk to me about everything. They ask for and take my advice when it comes to their girlfriends. We talk about sex, school, politics, you name it. So *why* is it that no one seems interested in dating me?
VictorM's advice: Cause guys want to date a girl, not a buddy or a pal. Regardless of what guys say, their innate instinct is to be attracted to someone who acts like a girl, talks like a girl, dresses like a girl, and behaves like a girl. No real guy wants to date his buddy, even if she has boobs.
Want guys to see you as date material? Stop being their pal!
VictorM's advice: Cause guys want to date a girl, not a buddy or a pal. Regardless of what guys say, their innate instinct is to be attracted to someone who acts like a girl, talks like a girl, dresses like a girl, and behaves like a girl. No real guy wants to date his buddy, even if she has boobs.
Want guys to see you as date material? Stop being their pal!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Save it or break it?
Jenny, 19, from Ireland, asks: I'm 19 and have been in a relationship for over a year, but in the last month or so I feel like we're growing apart. We both go to different colleges, have different interests and recently there hasn't been a lot to talk about: he seems to prefer talking to his friends when we go out. I still like him, and he hasn't done anything wrong or anything but... there's this guy I met recently. We're just friends, I don't know if he's interested (he asked for my number and has been texting me-is that a sign?) I haven't told him I have a bf... so the problem is I don't know whether to try and save my relationship or break up and try it with the other guy. What to do!!
VictorM's advice: Save your relationship? What relationship? You don't have one. What y
VictorM's advice: Save your relationship? What relationship? You don't have one. What y