Jordan,24
Georgia
Asks:

I've known this girl for about a year now and she's been engaged for two years. We've usually bs'd time to to time whenever I see her at the coffee shop where she works at. Well, she just broke up with her fiance and is currently single. I've been wanting to date this girl from the first time I met her and I finally have my opportunity. I took her out on a couple of dates and we're good, but the only thing is she's not ready for a relationship just yet and I can't blame her for that. I know if I give her time there is a possibility of our relationship going further, but right now I don't have that kind of time. I'm currently in the Air Force and next month I'm going back to California to live and attend college.

I told her that I was torn between moving back to California and possibly staying in the local area to get to know her better. I told her I understood she had just gotten out of a two year long relationship and needed her space to recoup from her breakup. I really like this girl a lot and she tells me all the time of how funny I am and how I have a great sense of humor. I'm wanting to stay in the local area but I'm getting pressure from my mom to move back. Keep in mind to my mom is also not doing too good on her health. I need to make decision real quick and need some advice.

Lee's Thoughts:

I'm sorry Jordan, but you need to drop this and move to California. I know the timing sucks, but you need to think about your future. You have to do what is best for you NOW, not put energy into what may be a possibly cool romance if things were different. As you said, she needs time to be by herself and to evaluate what happened to her engagement and what she needs/wants from now on. That is not an overnight process. You can't drop everything to stick around in the area waiting for her to heal and be ready for a relationship.

GO TO COLLEGE. GET YOUR DEGREE. Keep in touch with her, but DO NOT drop all of your plans for this girl. See her during school breaks. Email or write. If it's meant to be, this distance will be really great for you both. If it's meant to be, she'll use this time to heal and it will all work out in the end. But right now, you need to take care of you and your future.

Good luck.

CLICK THIS. It may take a second to process, but it is an awesome sight.

I've been staring for the past ten minutes.

Leonard, 16
Florida
Asks:

I really wanna have sex but I can't make quick moves. How do I speed things up with girls?

Lee's Thoughts:

You don't.

When you are ready, when she is ready, when the time is RIGHT, it comes naturally. There is no trick, no *Lee's Patented Move* for you to use to put Mr. Wiggly in his place. If it's not happening, it SHOULDN'T HAPPEN. Your inability to make the "quick moves" is your safety net from doing something you aren't ready/capable/mature enough/strong enough to deal with right now. I'm really trying to be honest, not mean.

Don't rush it. Sex before it feels natural is THE WORST SEX ON EARTH. If you are uncomfortable before you start, you'll be uncomfortable during...and that is NOT what you want.

I know you're a guy and I know you're sixteen. This combination really inhibits your ability to rely on intuition. You are probably wary of listening to your internal voice that is much stronger and more mature than the one saying "Do it, do it, just do it already." We all know what part of your anatomy THAT voice is coming from...and it ain't ya brain.

The voice you SHOULD be listening to is the one that reminds you that IF you were ready, you'd have no questions. IF you were ready, it would feel comfortable and smooth. You would know the girl was the one you wanted to share this with and she would feel safe with you.

This is not a difficult path if it is the right time and the right girl.

If you are trying to do this just to get your rocks off and you don't really care about the girl, things will get messy quick and it will surely come back to bite you in the ass. (BOTH, NOT in the good way).......

I would stick to your *right hand man* for right now, if ya know whatta mean. :)

Ross, 44
Illinois
Asks:

Hi. I was in a very loving relationship with my girlfriend for a year but she left me 2 months ago. I'm 44 & she's 46. She just told me last night what happened & I'd like some advice to get her back.

She said that I was too defensive & that we could never be together because her inner child is very frightened by mine. I know that sounds weird but it does make sense and I agree with her. I have verbally lashed out at her 2 times. She is as very sweet person & I have been doing things to change my behavior. I'm in counseling & on medication. These things are helping me but I need to show her that I have changed & hopefully she'll reconsider. I'd do anything for her & have always showed how much I care, told her much I loved her, told her how beautiful she is etc. I just can't seem to break the ice with her. I have tried everything from gifts to letters, emails and text messages. The only thing I haven't tried is asking her to marry me. How could she do that if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Please help me I have tried everything I could up to this point & won't move on. Our love was that strong & could be again. I know you can help!!

Lee's Thoughts:

First, DO NOT ask this woman to marry you. That would be a flailing attempt to get her back. You want to be on solid ground with yourself and each other before you make that step. You don't want a marriage proposal to sound like begging.

I haven't gotten the drift of whether she is explaining to you what happened and trying to help you fix this relationship, or if she has said numerous times to you, "It's over. I'm sorry. We tried, but we will never be together." Think about this...Has she ever given you any inkling that you have a chance at all of reuniting? Or is all of this getting back together stuff completely in your head? Seriously. Sometimes our emotions become so large that they cloud our realistic judgment. Think about what she has actually been saying to you, not what you've been wanting to hear.

Other than that, the only thing you can do is what you are doing. You are trying to improve yourself not only for her (I hope), but for yourself, in order to make yourself a better person. That is the best way of getting through this, concentrate on yourself. Tell her this. Tell her that you are trying to fix your issues for yourself, which will in turn make you a better partner. If she is open at all to trying your relationship again, this will mean a lot.

However, keep in mind that it is possible that she may simply have decided that you are not the one for her. If that is the case, no amount of therapy, self-help books, or evolution will bring you two back together. Sometimes its best to just accept that a relationship has run its course and taught you everything it was supposed to teach you, so you can move on to a different stage of your life.

Nadine, 16
Florida
Asks:

Hey, this guy that I know has a 50/50% chance of going back home. He's only staying here on visa. But we've become really close over the past month or so (going over to his house, hanging out, cinema, holding/touching each other, kissed each other-but not on lips or cheeks-because we are both shy etc.). Now I really like him a lot and all my mates says he's into me, but he just isn't asking me out, probably because he might be going back home. I haven't expressed my feelings to him, but I want to before its too late. I don't know how to go about doing it, because I'm scared if I tell him how I feel that he'll react funny and then not go home, but stay here.
Please help me thanks. :)

Lee's Thoughts:

You must must must tell him how you feel. I know I always say this, but think of the WORST case scenario. You pour your heart out and he says, "That's great, but I only like you as a friend." Right? He's not going to smack you in the face and tell you that you're a stupid bitch for saying that. If he's a good guy, he'll be very flattered that you care.

Another thing...It's the MATURE thing to do, to expose your feelings with courage. It means you're a WOMAN and not a scared little girl. This is a LIFE CHALLENGE. Will you be strong and gently put your feelings out there for him and the world for all to see? Will you be able to handle any and all potential responses it may evoke in him with class and dignity?

I know you are scared. I would be scared. We're all scared at one point or another when dealing with the opposite sex. But you can not and will not grow or mature if you keep yourself in a safe little cave and never risk anything.

Yes, he may go home. Yes, he may get freaked out and never speak to you again. But guess what? The only constant...the only dependable thing in this life is YOUYOUYOU. If he leaves, or if he gets down on his knees and starts crying because he's been waiting for a sign that you really care. YOU are the one you have to live with. YOU are the one that you should worry about impressing. YOU are the one that you should work every single day to make proud. If you want to do this, DO IT.

You don't need to get dressed up in a ball gown and present him with a dozen roses and your undying love. Keep it simple. In a quiet moment, just say, "You know, I've really enjoyed these last few weeks hanging out with you. Whatever happens with your move, I want you to know that you've made me really happy and I'll always remember this time together. I wish you didn't have to go." Just be sincere. You don't have to get all mushy. He'll understand the depth of your feelings (whatever that is) by the way you say it, not the exact words that you say.

YOU MUST DO THIS. You must do that which is uncomfortable to grow and gain strength and become a human being that you can be proud of. No matter WHAT his response is.

Good luck!!!

A great review of a very interesting book examining when guys are just "not that into you" and the women who constantly try to make excuses for this fact.

*He's Just Not That In To You...The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys*
by Greg Behrendt

Classic case....you really like this guy, but he’s giving mixed messages. You make excuses, decide he’s confused, afraid of commitment. Behrendt, a former executive story editor for Sex and the City—and a formerly single (now happily married) guy who knows all the excuses—provides a simple answer: he’s just not that into you. Stop kidding yourself, let go and look for someone else who will be. After all, as Behrendt sensibly puts it, "if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain’t nothing that’s going to get in his way."

Following review by Charmaine Bee

".....why do we need a book that outlines examples of dishonest behavior to let us in on the fact that a man doesn't care about us? Why must it be written out for us in bold black and white text that when a man cheats on us, no matter what his excuse, he's not as into us as he claims to be?

I also have my doubts about why the author seems to continually reinforce the idea of the male assuming the role of aggressor ((COUGH..VICTOR...AHEM)). Why can't a woman go after what she wants without being called too aggressive? I mean, seriously, let's step out of the Stone Age. If women left the drive to "get what they want" at home, we'd still be waiting to be allowed to go to the polls. Let's not insult our own intelligence."

Check out the full review here.

Buy the book at Amazon.Com here.

Ken, 17
America
Asks:

Ok, a man and a woman are living with each other and the man’s son is also living with them. At the very start it’s all good but the son thinks that his dad’s girl is beautiful. That is where he leaves it, but the son being very horny starts to think about his dad’s girl. Over the first month they are together, he flirts with her and she flirts with him. Then one night they are home together alone and they sit on the love seat next to each other while watching a movie and they start to cuddle and the cuddle turns into him touching her side and her hair and every once and awhile touching her leg. But she tells him that she cannot kiss him and he tells her he does not want to kiss her beautiful lips when he truly does and he truly loves her. When the movie ended, she went to her room and he comes in 10 minutes later and sits on the bed. He’s not there to have sex or kiss or even sleep in there, just to cuddle and have some one to hold. That is what he thought, but after lying together for about 30 minutes, they start looking at each other and he slowly moves towards her and she does the same. The lips touch and don't kiss they just touch together like his top lip and her bottom lip and vise versa. Then it turns a full kiss he is shaking and so is she because they know that it is forbidden. After about 10 minutes of kissing, she goes and throws up. He goes in there with her to try to help and tells her maybe we should not do this and then when she stops throwing up, they go lay back down and kiss then that turns into sex. After that, they fall asleep. The next morning, she tells him that she is not in love with his dad anymore and has not been for a lot of the 8 years they have been together. She told him that she did love his dad she was just not in love with him anymore and it had been that way for a long time. Over the next week they fall deeper into love with each other and have more sex but they know the dad is coming home. The first day it is all good, but the son is so in love with her that he gets hurt when he sees them kiss. The night before he is supposed to leave, the dad and her have sex because she has to play it out so the dad will not have any suspicions. The son overhears them and is very hurt but he did not think that he would get this hurt and its like a pain in his belly and his heart hurts but he knew that they would have to do this kind of stuff for awhile until the son could get on his feet and move out. What do you think the son should do....because it hurts him really bad and he cries. What do you think about the situation?

Lee's Thoughts:

This sounds like an afterschool special. I'm going to assume that it's an actual question and not just a fabrication that belongs in the *Short Stories* section of ArgVille.

First, I do not believe that it is *love* between the woman and the son. No matter how powerful it feels, it won't last. Everything sexual feels powerful to a seventeen year old boy. Also, I don't have much respect for a woman who would a) have sexual and not maternal feelings for her potential step-son and b) cheat on her boyfriend with his seventeen year old son. That is wrong on so many levels.

The son is broken in a variety of ways. His original home life has been destroyed and he is left home alone with this immoral, predatory woman. If it was a boyfriend who had sex with a seventeen year old daughter, shit would hit the fan.

If YOU are the SON, as soon as you turn eighteen, you need to move the heck OUT. You need to get some student loans and move into the dorms of your local college. You need to join the military for a couple years and start getting some skills and laying the foundation for your future. You need to put as much distance as possible between yourself and this situation. These people are not good for you to be around. The most they deserve is a post card from you every couple of months.

OF COURSE you are looking for love and comfort and "someone to hold". It sounds like no one has been holding you or taking care of you for a long time, not your mom or your dad and this is making you reach out to inappropriate people. You are grasping for love and pulling in whoever responds. It wasn't your fault, but you need to take control of your actions now. Be aware of what is good and right and productive for you and your life. This woman IS NOT IT.

You have no one to take care of you right now, so you must do it. You must start making decisions like a MAN instead of a BOY and start thinking about your future. Start taking care of yourself.

Good Luck.

Jessica, 24
Texas
Asks:

What is a remedy for a toothache?

Lee's Thoughts:

Umm...besides the obvious answer (there are so many) of DENTIST, I would have to say, maybe a hammer? massive amounts of currant flavored vodka? maybe fill your mouth with a bowl full of *Captain's Crunch* and see if that will distract you?

Away with you, I say!!

Oh yeah, and have a great weekend.

I just need to send out one big, "HELL YEAH!" to this guy for his take on the Duke Lacrosse crap going on.

~peace.
Lee.

Nikki, 15
Channel Islands
Asks:

I'm having problems with this boy I really like, and want some advice. Basically, he's really hot and is really cool to talk to once you get him lightened up and you've broken the ice. But every evening its like starting from scratch with him. There's the awkward conversation in which we can't think of anything to say, and then by end of the evening when we've both had a drink we kiss. But the kissing is good, and I think we both really like each other. All my friends think they are trying to help cause they know we both like each other so they leave one chair that we both have to sit in. In fact they make it worse because we have to sit away from them and can't enter into their conversation. We don't know what to say to each other. Any advice on how to break the ice or what to talk about? Shall I ask him out? Would that loosen things up?

Lee's Thoughts:

First, a warning. I'm not saying this applies to you, but just be aware of the relationship that is only good and smooth and fun when you've been drinking. I've had those, and its a big sign that you may not be compatible while you are sober. Just keep that in the back of your mind.

Second, a guy that's hot AND COOL?!?! Sounds great! :)

I think the key to this is to think of things to say in those awkward moments, in advance. It may sound a little contrived, but it's easy to think of conversation topics when you're home alone and not under pressure to be witty. Think of three topics or questions you can bring up when that uncomfortable silence comes up. You could even start if off....like, "Ewww...gotta hate those awkward silences...." and make a joke of it, then bring up the subjects you thought about. For example:

a) Phillip Seymour Hoffmann is one of the greatest actors of all time. I am going to make it a personal goal to see every movie he has ever been in. Have you seen his stuff? What do you think? (reference www.imdb.com the greatest movie website of all time)

b) Tell me about your first kiss. Were you smooth? Was she your first girlfriend? How long were you with her? What grade were you in?

c) My little brother is a gigantic pain in the ass. I'm protective of him, but he's SO ANNOYING sometimes. Do you get along with your siblings? Are you friends? Do they ever get on your nerves?

Blah, blah, blah....Just find a subject he is excited about and he'll start talking about it. Act like you want to learn about whatever he's interested in.

Finally, talk to your friends and tell them to stop putting you guys in that one chair away from the action!!! Tell them it's not helping.

I think you should definitely ask him out. The more time you spend together, the more things in common you'll have to talk about. Go for it!

Landon, 17
Texas
Asks:

There is this beautiful girl at my school and I've found out that she hasn't ever had a boyfriend! She is somewhat shy, but she has plenty of friends. I'm a mostly quiet guy too, not real funny, average looks, and above average intelligence. I hang out with a lot of the popular people, but I'm not a partier or real outgoing. Her locker is right by mine, but every time I think of something to say, I just think to myself how stupid that would be. I'm not scared to talk to girls in general, because I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex, but just this one. How can I get her attention, keep up a conversation, and eventually get to the point where I could ask her out?

Lee's Thoughts:

Well, Landon, of course it's easy to talk to the girls that don't heat up your blood and make you all tingly. Seriously, your body has physical reactions to being around someone you are attracted to. All that heart-pounding stuff is not just metaphor. The universe/God/whatever created this instinct in us to push us towards growth, not to scare us away from it. When you get all weird around her (in your head), you need to hear that as a voice saying "GO FOR IT" instead of hearing the voice saying "YOU SUCK, THAT WOULD BE STUPID".

Think of it this way, you can either live in constant torture thinking about this girl every day when you go into your lockers, and be SAFE in your head not risking anything....ORR...you can use that "above-average intelligence" and take a chance. The WORST thing that can happen is that she thinks you are a nice guy and you get a good friend out of it. If you like her, I doubt she would be the kind to cut off your balls and walk away in a huff if you were to say hello.

Just say, "HELLO!" and smile. That's ALL you have to do the first time. Be friendly. The next time, ask about one of the books she's carrying. Keep it simple to start with.

Then, you may think about using Lee's Patented (okay, patent-pending) Move #326...which is perfect using the close proximity of your lockers. When you are walking away, brush past her, and verrry gently and softly touch her back with the tips of your fingers. (Does this make sense?) Make it very subtle, like you don't even realize you're doing it, and you are distracted with something very important you are thinking about. You're just trying to get to class and she happens to be in the way. "Okay, well, see ya later, gotta go!" (then, DO THE BRUSH-BY)

I'm TELLIN YA!!

She WILL notice and she'll think, "Did he mean to do that?" "Is he just so cool that he didn't FEEL that electricity just then?"

You'll have her eating out of your palm. :)

Good LUCK!

Jen,16
Kansas
Asks:

My boyfriend used to fight a lot, then it kinda stopped but 2 days ago we got in this big fight. I haven't seen him in 3 days. He gets mad over stupid stuff. I can do something wrong and not even realize it. I care about him soo much though and I don't want to lose him. Well last night I asked him to come hang out and he was like, "Well, I'm at my friends house and I'm going to go home soon." Well an hour later I call my friend Lauren who was over there too and she tells me that he's still over there. So I was just gonna go over there to talk to her and just say hi to him since its been forever. Well I warned him because I thought it'd be weird if I just showed up and he was like "Well I'll be gone." So I was like screw it, I won't go over there. Then, I find out I could have gone over there and he would have been there because even an HOUR after he told me he was gonna leave soon, he was still there! I'm just really stressed out and don't know what his problem is!

Lee's Thoughts:

He's a punk. He doesn't want to hang out with you. He's blowing you off. Get a clue.

You're torturing yourself over this guy who doesn't give a crap about you.

Dump him and start concentrating on your friendships. Did we completely forget about Lauren?

Jermaine, 15
FW
Asks:

I've tried hard, but I just can't figure out how to talk to girls deep enough to ask them out.

Lee's Thoughts:

There really aren't any tricks to talking to girls. You simply have to talk to them like they are one of your guy friends. You have to BE YOU. It's not like they are bitchy and cold until you say the magical combination of words that will make them fall over and swoon for you. The magic is when you find one who GETS YOU. When a girl laughs at your jokes and understands why Hulk Hogan is the greatest wrestler of all time and absolutely LOVES your 1988 Guns and Roses concert tour shirt (you know what I mean...whatever resonates with you), you'll know you've found someone special, and it will be EASY to talk to her.

You really don't want to deal with the ones who are difficult to talk to. You need to use your intuition a little bit here. Try to feel the *energy* of the situation. Does she look nervous? bored? distracted? smiling? sighing? just plain quiet? You can tell a lot by body language and by how YOU feel when you're around her. Just take a deep breath, calm yourself and listen to the signs.

But essentially, don't worry if things don't go very smoothly. That may just be a blatant sign that this is not the one for you!

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature."

-Anne Frank

John, 22
South Africa
Asks:

Last weekend my girlfriend and I had a fight and she went off to another club to hang around with other friends. I really messed up and wanted to say sorry, but no help. She left and my ex showed up. She started talking to me and we had some laughs. She came over to my place (had to carry me inside as I was very drunk). I passed out and when I woke up she was still there. I took her home and nothing happened.

My girlfriend freaked when she found out (naturally) and I said nothing happened. She says she believes me but is still too hurt and doesn't know if she wants to give us another chance or move on. She phoned me and started crying as she said she never loved anyone so much and still does. I love her so much and made an honest mistake. Now people are telling her something did happen in my room. They keep confusing her and I'm afraid of losing her because they can't stand us being together and happy. I'm really heartbroken. Please help...sorry for such a long letter. :(

Lee's Thoughts:

For some reason, I believe you. Of course your girlfriend is hurt, but mostly she feels stupid for causing that situation to begin with. It's actually her fault, but don't tell her that. It sucks that you have people working against you, but you just have to put some energy into helping her to realize you love her and you didn't do anything with the ex. Now is the time for some GRAND and ROMANTIC ACTION.

You need to send her flowers. You need to send her love notes. You need to make sure she feels safe and happy and confident in your relationship. Maybe let her know what an amazing hangover you had the morning after. Let her know that there was no possible way anything could have happened with that other girl since you were SOOO WASTED because you were SOO upset about your fight. It may take a lot of repetition to get through to her, but I think you have a good start since she called you saying she's never loved anyone like you. She WANTS to forgive you (even though you did nothing wrong). Does this make sense?

And also, what is with these other people? Why are they being so destructive and trying to cause trouble? I would not hang out with these people if I were you.

This is easily fixable. Girls are naturally romantic and naturally forgiving. Get to it!!

A great article by Lisa Ling:

When I was a child I had no doubt in my mind that by thirty I would have the "ideal American life" -- a wonderful husband, two kids, and a beautiful home complete with white picket fence. I'm thirty-two years old right now, am still single and quite frankly, the idea of getting married and having children is simply not even on my radar. I absolutely love what I do and the lifestyle I lead. I truly wish that as a young girl I could have known that I did not need to fantasize about the ideal husband and marriage - that as an adult it would be okay to lead the kind of life that I'm living right now.

As a kid you always have a vision of prince charming coming into your life, fulfilling your destiny and dreams -- some perfect guy who will sweep you off your feet, love you forever and take care of you until the end of time. Or as women of my generation can reminisce, we all waited with baited breath for someone like Jake from John Hughes's "Sixteen Candles" to kiss us over birthday cake and profess his undying love. And it doesn't have to be that way.

I used to idealize my friends' lives whose parents weren't divorced and seemed to have perfect and idyllic families. As an adult I began to discover, however, that oftentimes this was merely an illusion they maintained bolstered my own perceptions of the perfect nuclear family. Nothing is as perfect as it seems. Eventually I got to the point where I thought, "Why would I even try to have that life when that's not how I've grown up?" In retrospect, I am actually deeply grateful that I grew up in a totally non-traditional Asian family. It has enabled me to embrace the fact that it's okay to lead an unconventional life. At this point I feel, "Why should I start living a conventional life now?"

My advice to all young girls - it's okay to have different dreams, it's okay to be single. Like Jolivette Mecenas says in her meditations on being single, "One is Not the Loneliest Number..."
For those of you who do want to get married, I would say - marry your best friend. I want my partner to be my equal with whom I share a mutual respect and from whom I can learn. I want my partner to be someone who I know I can rely on to help me and who will want my support and help over the years. Your best friend will value your personality and love you for whom you are. After all, everything else fades away over time - the romance, the youthful good looks - we all get old and fat and wrinkly. At the end of the day, it is far more important to have a partner who respects and loves you for your mind.

Full article here.

Marcus, 15
Colorado
Asks:
Well, my ex-girlfriend still likes me and she can't get over the fact that I don't like her anymore. She thinks I like this other girl, but I really don't. I wanna get her REALLY jealous with the girl that she thinks I like. What can I do?? (list things)

Lee's Thoughts:

Really, the best thing to do is ignore her. Girls will torture themselves with their own imaginations worse that boys can torture them. Hopefully she will soon get the hint.

If you neeeed to mess with the head of an already traumatized girl, you could simply talk about the other girl a lot, maybe give her a big hug when you are in front of your ex, and laugh really loudly at her jokes like you are having the best time ever. However, that might give the other girl the wrong idea. Things just get MESSY when you start playing games, I tell ya.

Your ex will get over it soon. You can only ruminate over a broken heart for so long before it becomes just boring.

Suzanne, 28
Glasgow
Asks:

My boyfriend has not called or text'd while away on a stag weekend.

Lee's Thoughts:

Umm...no duh??

Stag Weekend = Boy Weekend = NOT YOU WEEKEND

Calm down....

Yes, its lovely that you miss him, but he was putting some energy into his male friendships for two days. That is what makes him a good guy. It would have been nice if he could have taken two seconds to drop you a line, but it is entirely possible that he was either drinking, drunk, hungover, or sleeping the entire weekend. Give the guy a break.

When he gets home, smother him with kisses and tell him how much you missed him.

DO NOT bitch at him for not calling. BE COOL. I promise it will be a much better approach.