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Friday, March 31, 2006
Dry Spell
SAM, 24
London
Asks:
I can't seem get myself in the game of love. I have been single for about 8 years now and I don't know what to do. I can't even go up to a girl and start talking to her. I have a few lady friends but they are just friends. I can't go and ask them to help me. I feel frightened when I try to speak to woman. Can you give me some advice here?
Lee's Thoughts:
Let's see...you've been single for 8 years...that's since....SIXTEEN YEARS OLD?
LUCKY!!! You've been single through the most annoying, complicated and transitional time of your life. Relationships in that stage RARELY last.
You find love when you find YOURSELF. You need to concentrate on YOU right now, put your energies towards becoming a better person...get your degree, learn something new, focus on your job, create a happy and inspiring living space. When you are truly happy with yourself and your life, (not only will you be happy), but you will be SO much more attractive to the opposite sex.
Aching and begging the universe for a girlfriend is NOT PRODUCTIVE. If you died today, you would have wasted the day wanting, needing, regretting, etc. You need to create a life that you are proud of WITHOUT the girl and then, you'll see, the fear will fade because peace will take over. Soon, the right girl will glide into your life.
Good Luck!
London
Asks:
I can't seem get myself in the game of love. I have been single for about 8 years now and I don't know what to do. I can't even go up to a girl and start talking to her. I have a few lady friends but they are just friends. I can't go and ask them to help me. I feel frightened when I try to speak to woman. Can you give me some advice here?
Lee's Thoughts:
Let's see...you've been single for 8 years...that's since....SIXTEEN YEARS OLD?
LUCKY!!! You've been single through the most annoying, complicated and transitional time of your life. Relationships in that stage RARELY last.
You find love when you find YOURSELF. You need to concentrate on YOU right now, put your energies towards becoming a better person...get your degree, learn something new, focus on your job, create a happy and inspiring living space. When you are truly happy with yourself and your life, (not only will you be happy), but you will be SO much more attractive to the opposite sex.
Aching and begging the universe for a girlfriend is NOT PRODUCTIVE. If you died today, you would have wasted the day wanting, needing, regretting, etc. You need to create a life that you are proud of WITHOUT the girl and then, you'll see, the fear will fade because peace will take over. Soon, the right girl will glide into your life.
Good Luck!
Thursday, March 30, 2006
The Awakening
There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on." And, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective...This is your awakening.
You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. You begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:
- how you should look
- who you should love
- how much you should weigh
- what you should wear
Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. You begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown or should never have practiced to begin with. You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a "perfect 10"or a perfect human being for that matter and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. You take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.
You give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams. You begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. Because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. Just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit, so you make it a point to create time for play.
Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. You stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. You learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.
You learn how to say, "I was wrong" and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. At the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to LET GO.
Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. Suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. You learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.
You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through. You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment.
You stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.
Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you FAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
Remember this: You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.
-Sonny Carroll
You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. You begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:
- how you should look
- who you should love
- how much you should weigh
- what you should wear
Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. You begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown or should never have practiced to begin with. You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a "perfect 10"or a perfect human being for that matter and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. You take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.
You give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams. You begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. Because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. Just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit, so you make it a point to create time for play.
Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. You stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. You learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.
You learn how to say, "I was wrong" and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. At the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to LET GO.
Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. Suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. You learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.
You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through. You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment.
You stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.
Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you FAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
Remember this: You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.
-Sonny Carroll
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
True Love
I know...ewww, mush. But I'm feeling extra *love-full* these days... :)
A girl and a guy were speeding over 100mph on a deserted road on a motorcycle.
Girl: Slow down, we're going too fast. I'm scared and I don't want anything to happen.
Guy: Come on, don't worry. I know what I'm doing. You're having fun right?
Girl: NO...please stop. I'm really scared
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I LOVE YOU! Now please slow down.
Guy: Give me a hug.*Girl hugs him*
Guy: Can you help me out here? Will you take my helmet off and put it on you? It's bugging me.
In the paper the next day:
A motorcycle has crashed into a building break failure. Two people found, but only one survived.
The Truth:
Halfway down the road the guy realized that his breaks broke, but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead, he asked her to say she loved him and felt her hug him for one last time. Then had her wear his helmet so she would live, even though it meant that he would die.
A girl and a guy were speeding over 100mph on a deserted road on a motorcycle.
Girl: Slow down, we're going too fast. I'm scared and I don't want anything to happen.
Guy: Come on, don't worry. I know what I'm doing. You're having fun right?
Girl: NO...please stop. I'm really scared
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I LOVE YOU! Now please slow down.
Guy: Give me a hug.*Girl hugs him*
Guy: Can you help me out here? Will you take my helmet off and put it on you? It's bugging me.
In the paper the next day:
A motorcycle has crashed into a building break failure. Two people found, but only one survived.
The Truth:
Halfway down the road the guy realized that his breaks broke, but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead, he asked her to say she loved him and felt her hug him for one last time. Then had her wear his helmet so she would live, even though it meant that he would die.
Does He Like Me?
Tabatha, 15
Hamilton
Asks:
This boy I've liked for about a year now was nice to me last year and stuff kinda happened between us, not sex, but not only kissing either. About a week after we did stuff he moved back with his dad and I haven't talked to him since. Now he just arrived back here and he's being really rude to me and won't really talk to me. I've liked him for so long and he doesn't know that. Should I tell him? Does he like me too?
Lee's Thoughts:
It is obvious that he does not like you and honestly, you don't truly like him. You like the way it felt when you were "not only kissing", but the romantic feelings you say you have are completely created in your head with no basis in reality. It is very easy to make him the perfect guy when you are never around him and never talk to him.
He's being rude to you. I would hope that would crash this fantasy you have of him so that you can move on to a boy who is actually nice and who actually will treat you well.
Hamilton
Asks:
This boy I've liked for about a year now was nice to me last year and stuff kinda happened between us, not sex, but not only kissing either. About a week after we did stuff he moved back with his dad and I haven't talked to him since. Now he just arrived back here and he's being really rude to me and won't really talk to me. I've liked him for so long and he doesn't know that. Should I tell him? Does he like me too?
Lee's Thoughts:
It is obvious that he does not like you and honestly, you don't truly like him. You like the way it felt when you were "not only kissing", but the romantic feelings you say you have are completely created in your head with no basis in reality. It is very easy to make him the perfect guy when you are never around him and never talk to him.
He's being rude to you. I would hope that would crash this fantasy you have of him so that you can move on to a boy who is actually nice and who actually will treat you well.
Girl and Boy
A girl asked a boy if she was pretty.
He said no.
She asked him if he wanted to be with her forever.
He said no.
She then asked him if he would cry if she walked away.
He again said no.
She had heard too much.
She needed to leave.
As she walked away, he grabbed her arm and told her to stay.
He said,"You're not pretty, you're beautiful.
I don't want to be with you forever, I need to be with you forever.
I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I would die."
-Unknown
He said no.
She asked him if he wanted to be with her forever.
He said no.
She then asked him if he would cry if she walked away.
He again said no.
She had heard too much.
She needed to leave.
As she walked away, he grabbed her arm and told her to stay.
He said,"You're not pretty, you're beautiful.
I don't want to be with you forever, I need to be with you forever.
I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I would die."
-Unknown
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
He Isn't Asking Me Out
Sarah, 17
Washington
Asks:
This guy I know is quite shy and everybody I know that he likes me, but he just isn't asking me out. How can I drop hints? Should I kiss him on the cheek next time I say goodbye? We see each other regularly and if I were to ask him to take me home, he would, which I think is sweet. We phone, chat on msn, text, flirt and touch each other, but I'm scared it'll turn into 'friendship' and I don't want that. I mean, getting to know if he likes me isn't the case, as its clear he does, but can you help me and tell me what to do. Thanks.
Lee's Thoughts:
Okay, so you know he likes you, now it's just a matter of adding the *romantic spice* to the situation. You can subtly and easily shift things that way by simply holding his hand for a little bit longer than you normally would. Hold it softly, not like a buddy. Stand a little closer to him for a little longer, and YES, I think a kiss on the cheek as you are leaving is an EXCELLENT idea. It's quick and simple and it will really get your point across.
The main point is to start treating him, talking to him differently than you talk to anyone else. Make him feel special. Soon you will start to feel him treating you a little differently too.
You are on the right track. Definitely ask him to give you a ride home. You're doing great. Good LUCK!! Let me know how things progress!!
Washington
Asks:
This guy I know is quite shy and everybody I know that he likes me, but he just isn't asking me out. How can I drop hints? Should I kiss him on the cheek next time I say goodbye? We see each other regularly and if I were to ask him to take me home, he would, which I think is sweet. We phone, chat on msn, text, flirt and touch each other, but I'm scared it'll turn into 'friendship' and I don't want that. I mean, getting to know if he likes me isn't the case, as its clear he does, but can you help me and tell me what to do. Thanks.
Lee's Thoughts:
Okay, so you know he likes you, now it's just a matter of adding the *romantic spice* to the situation. You can subtly and easily shift things that way by simply holding his hand for a little bit longer than you normally would. Hold it softly, not like a buddy. Stand a little closer to him for a little longer, and YES, I think a kiss on the cheek as you are leaving is an EXCELLENT idea. It's quick and simple and it will really get your point across.
The main point is to start treating him, talking to him differently than you talk to anyone else. Make him feel special. Soon you will start to feel him treating you a little differently too.
You are on the right track. Definitely ask him to give you a ride home. You're doing great. Good LUCK!! Let me know how things progress!!
Could I Be Pregnant?
Dana, 29
Bham
Asks:
Could I be pregnant? I'm 2 weeks late and I've had my tubes tied for almost 7 years. I recently had sex with someone who hasn't had sex in a while.
Lee's Thoughts:
First, it doesn't matter at all that the guy hasn't had sex in a while. Either way, he can probably produce sperm and that's half the recipe for babies.
However, the chances are verrrry slim that you are pregnant since your tubes are tied, but since you are late, an easy way to find out is to take a cheap and easy pregnancy test from the grocery store. EPT, Clearblue Easy....they can all tell you within minutes if you are or aren't. Some can even give you a reading BEFORE you miss your period.
Also, hopefully you have an OB/GYN doctor that you see regularly. It may be time for an appointment.
Bham
Asks:
Could I be pregnant? I'm 2 weeks late and I've had my tubes tied for almost 7 years. I recently had sex with someone who hasn't had sex in a while.
Lee's Thoughts:
First, it doesn't matter at all that the guy hasn't had sex in a while. Either way, he can probably produce sperm and that's half the recipe for babies.
However, the chances are verrrry slim that you are pregnant since your tubes are tied, but since you are late, an easy way to find out is to take a cheap and easy pregnancy test from the grocery store. EPT, Clearblue Easy....they can all tell you within minutes if you are or aren't. Some can even give you a reading BEFORE you miss your period.
Also, hopefully you have an OB/GYN doctor that you see regularly. It may be time for an appointment.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Jokey Mean
Laura, 16
Florida
Asks:
Hi, I'm not sure about this guy. He talks with me everyday and is really sweet to me. However, recently he's started to be mean to me in a jokey way. He knows it makes me shocked, but he still finds it funny. He also says he likes me and waited for me in the cold for 40 minutes only to see me. Do you think he likes me? How can I tell if he does? Thanks
Lee's Thoughts:
He definitely likes you, but that *jokey meanness* is SOOO annoying isn't it? It can be funny for a bit, and then its just not. Of course you need to have a good sense of humor and just have fun with it, but when he approaches THE LINE...when things just start to be NOT so funny, you need to put your foot down and tell him when his little comments are becoming uncool.
Maybe something like (in a cute way of course)..."Are you trying to hurt my feelings?" or "You're going to make me not like you anymore." Ultimately, if his comments really start to rub you the wrong way, walking away is the best way to convey that you've had enough.
In the mean time, he totally likes you because he's paying attention to you. It's sort of a game right now (with the meanness) but its also a time for you to let him know what you find funny and sweet and what you don't.
Have fun!!
Florida
Asks:
Hi, I'm not sure about this guy. He talks with me everyday and is really sweet to me. However, recently he's started to be mean to me in a jokey way. He knows it makes me shocked, but he still finds it funny. He also says he likes me and waited for me in the cold for 40 minutes only to see me. Do you think he likes me? How can I tell if he does? Thanks
Lee's Thoughts:
He definitely likes you, but that *jokey meanness* is SOOO annoying isn't it? It can be funny for a bit, and then its just not. Of course you need to have a good sense of humor and just have fun with it, but when he approaches THE LINE...when things just start to be NOT so funny, you need to put your foot down and tell him when his little comments are becoming uncool.
Maybe something like (in a cute way of course)..."Are you trying to hurt my feelings?" or "You're going to make me not like you anymore." Ultimately, if his comments really start to rub you the wrong way, walking away is the best way to convey that you've had enough.
In the mean time, he totally likes you because he's paying attention to you. It's sort of a game right now (with the meanness) but its also a time for you to let him know what you find funny and sweet and what you don't.
Have fun!!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Look Within
"When a woman begins to be aware of the divine spark within, she will soon be faced with a decision whether to honor and trust it.
She is so accustomed to looking outside herself for authority, that the realization of God within is radical and shattering.
It changes everything."
Wendlyn Alter, The Yang Heart Of Yin
Get Skinny QUICK!!
Diet Pills
We've all seen the amazing slim down of Anna Nicole Smith in recent years. She attributes her sudden sveltness to "TRIMSPA BABY!!". I have to say that even I experienced a touch of the green-eyed monster seeing how much weight she lost. I admit to the passing thought, "I could take those pills for only a couple months and then look fabulous for the wedding/family reunion/vacation/bikini season/whatever...it can't hurt."
Well, if anything has changed my mind about it NOT hurting, its this article I just read from the December issue of O Magazine by Oprah, goddess of all things healthy, spiritual, happy and pure. If you think "it can't hurt", check this out before you plop your hard earned cash on the counter for some amazing diet pills...
"Some people think over-the-counter diet pills can't possibly be strong enough to be dangerous. Don't count on it, say experts at ConsumerLab.com (CL), who gave O an early look at the results of their new review of 23 weight loss supplements. The findings - including the shocking fact that one brand's daily dose contained as much caffeine as 30 cans of cola - are a wake-up call. "These pills are a lot scarier and less sexy when you see what's inside them," says Tod Cooperman, MD, president of CL, which independently evaluates the quality of vitamins and other health products.
CL advised consumers to be cautious of supplements with"proprietary blends," which typically include a mix of caffeinated herbs (i.e. green tea, guarana, maca, yerba mate). A day's worth of Zantrex-3, for example, has 1,223 milligrams (the 30 cans of cola mentioned above), an amount that can cause insomnia, tremors, stomach problems, and headache.
Some of CL's worst offenders were Twinlab's Ripped Fuel and iSatori's Lean System 7 capsules: Both blend caffeine with bitter orange, an extract from Seville orange peels that's supposed to increase metabolism. Cooperman and others worry that because a chemical in bitter orange is similar to one in ephedra, combining it with caffeine could cause cardiovascular troubles, including heart attack and palpitations-the same hazards cited by the FDA in 2004 when it banned ephedra.
Another problem pill was Trimspa, which failed CL testing because it contained high amounts of chromium, a mineral that helps regulate insulin and may aid weight loss. Tests revealed 42 percent more chromium than listed on the label: a total of 641 micrograms per day. Doses this high may cause side effects like dizziness and flushing, and there's even one report of kidney failure, Cooperman says. Plus, both Trimspa and Life Extension's Chromium 200 microgram capsules contained small amounts of the potentially toxic and carcinogenic chromium VI. Company representatives say that they get their chromium from outside suppliers and depend on them for quality control.
"The reality is there are no weight loss supplements that are both effective and safe," says Robert Saper, MD, a family medicine specialist at the Boston University School of Medicine who authored a review of dietary supplements. CL subscribers can read the full analysis and reports on more than 700 other supplements." - Lauren Gravitz, O magazine
So lets all be on the lookout for Anna Nicole to keel over any day from a heart attack, or chromium overdose. I'm telling you, THAT is supersexy....now cue the song STUPID GIRLS by Pink.
We've all seen the amazing slim down of Anna Nicole Smith in recent years. She attributes her sudden sveltness to "TRIMSPA BABY!!". I have to say that even I experienced a touch of the green-eyed monster seeing how much weight she lost. I admit to the passing thought, "I could take those pills for only a couple months and then look fabulous for the wedding/family reunion/vacation/bikini season/whatever...it can't hurt."
Well, if anything has changed my mind about it NOT hurting, its this article I just read from the December issue of O Magazine by Oprah, goddess of all things healthy, spiritual, happy and pure. If you think "it can't hurt", check this out before you plop your hard earned cash on the counter for some amazing diet pills...
"Some people think over-the-counter diet pills can't possibly be strong enough to be dangerous. Don't count on it, say experts at ConsumerLab.com (CL), who gave O an early look at the results of their new review of 23 weight loss supplements. The findings - including the shocking fact that one brand's daily dose contained as much caffeine as 30 cans of cola - are a wake-up call. "These pills are a lot scarier and less sexy when you see what's inside them," says Tod Cooperman, MD, president of CL, which independently evaluates the quality of vitamins and other health products.
CL advised consumers to be cautious of supplements with"proprietary blends," which typically include a mix of caffeinated herbs (i.e. green tea, guarana, maca, yerba mate). A day's worth of Zantrex-3, for example, has 1,223 milligrams (the 30 cans of cola mentioned above), an amount that can cause insomnia, tremors, stomach problems, and headache.
Some of CL's worst offenders were Twinlab's Ripped Fuel and iSatori's Lean System 7 capsules: Both blend caffeine with bitter orange, an extract from Seville orange peels that's supposed to increase metabolism. Cooperman and others worry that because a chemical in bitter orange is similar to one in ephedra, combining it with caffeine could cause cardiovascular troubles, including heart attack and palpitations-the same hazards cited by the FDA in 2004 when it banned ephedra.
Another problem pill was Trimspa, which failed CL testing because it contained high amounts of chromium, a mineral that helps regulate insulin and may aid weight loss. Tests revealed 42 percent more chromium than listed on the label: a total of 641 micrograms per day. Doses this high may cause side effects like dizziness and flushing, and there's even one report of kidney failure, Cooperman says. Plus, both Trimspa and Life Extension's Chromium 200 microgram capsules contained small amounts of the potentially toxic and carcinogenic chromium VI. Company representatives say that they get their chromium from outside suppliers and depend on them for quality control.
"The reality is there are no weight loss supplements that are both effective and safe," says Robert Saper, MD, a family medicine specialist at the Boston University School of Medicine who authored a review of dietary supplements. CL subscribers can read the full analysis and reports on more than 700 other supplements." - Lauren Gravitz, O magazine
So lets all be on the lookout for Anna Nicole to keel over any day from a heart attack, or chromium overdose. I'm telling you, THAT is supersexy....now cue the song STUPID GIRLS by Pink.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Good or Bad?
LS, 18
Perth
Asks:
I got myself a boyfriend before I really wanted one because I didn't want to lose the guy. I don't know if we are working or not because this is my first boyfriend and I don't know what is good and what is bad. I've been losing my motivation in other areas of my life and I really just want to feel that my life is running like it should be again. What can I do?
Lee's Thoughts:
First and foremost, I don't believe for a second that you don't know what is good and what is bad. Yes, yes, yes you DO!! You know what feels good and you know what doesn't. You know what feels right and what doesn't (It doesn't matter if this is your first, or hundredth boyfriend). You need to trust yourself more. Trust your instincts. They are your primal internal voices that quietly push you towards what is right and keep you safe from what is wrong.
You can't blame your slacking in other areas of your life on this relationship. You chose this relationship and you are choosing your actions in those other areas. You are in CONTROL of it all. If this guy or relationship isn't making you happy and doesn't feel good, there is an obvious solution to that. A healthy, happy relationship makes you feel like the stars are aligned and your life is going beautifully. A boyfriend who is a true partner in life will make you look FORWARD to life's challenges and celebrations, because anything feels possible when you are together. Does this sound like you and your boyfriend?
I know there are times in life (especially during the gigantic transition age of 18) when everything feels scattered and struggling. Try making a list of the things that feel out of control, or things that you feel aren't running as smoothly as they should. In another column, make a list of things that you can do to improve them. Try thinking about yourself for a change, instead of making other people in your life happy. They will be happy if you're happy.
Good luck!!
Perth
Asks:
I got myself a boyfriend before I really wanted one because I didn't want to lose the guy. I don't know if we are working or not because this is my first boyfriend and I don't know what is good and what is bad. I've been losing my motivation in other areas of my life and I really just want to feel that my life is running like it should be again. What can I do?
Lee's Thoughts:
First and foremost, I don't believe for a second that you don't know what is good and what is bad. Yes, yes, yes you DO!! You know what feels good and you know what doesn't. You know what feels right and what doesn't (It doesn't matter if this is your first, or hundredth boyfriend). You need to trust yourself more. Trust your instincts. They are your primal internal voices that quietly push you towards what is right and keep you safe from what is wrong.
You can't blame your slacking in other areas of your life on this relationship. You chose this relationship and you are choosing your actions in those other areas. You are in CONTROL of it all. If this guy or relationship isn't making you happy and doesn't feel good, there is an obvious solution to that. A healthy, happy relationship makes you feel like the stars are aligned and your life is going beautifully. A boyfriend who is a true partner in life will make you look FORWARD to life's challenges and celebrations, because anything feels possible when you are together. Does this sound like you and your boyfriend?
I know there are times in life (especially during the gigantic transition age of 18) when everything feels scattered and struggling. Try making a list of the things that feel out of control, or things that you feel aren't running as smoothly as they should. In another column, make a list of things that you can do to improve them. Try thinking about yourself for a change, instead of making other people in your life happy. They will be happy if you're happy.
Good luck!!
Monday, March 20, 2006
Blowjobs
Liz, 15
Massachusetts
Asks:
How do you give a blow job? My boyfriend keeps begging me to give him one. I asked my friends and they laughed at me. I don't think they know either. I asked my mom and she said if I was old enough to give one, I would know what it is. She said, "You are to young you don't want to get pregnant at your age." Do you blow soft or hard?
Lee's Thoughts:
I'm going to set aside the issue of whether or not you should be doing this (Even though I LOVE your mom's response) and address a few other important points you brought up.
a) First, if you are not comfortable with this, tell your boyfriend to F--- OFF!! No act of sex (or love) will be enjoyable if you are being coerced into it. If you tell him that you're not into it, he will drop the subject if he has any respect for you at all.
b) I think that the *Real Mom* would agree with me that maybe we need an in-depth article on this site that illustrates and describes exactly how you CAN get pregnant. There seems to be a bit of confusion out there.
c) You can NOT get pregnant from giving a blow job (remember, sperm+egg=baby) UNLESS you give into the line... "Oh, that was so good, but you know what would be even better???". Basically, a blowjob can be sort of a "gateway" sex act that can lead to acts that will get you pregnant. So, be sure to SET YOUR BOUNDARIES and STICK TO THEM.
d) There is NO BLOWING INVOLVED in a blow job. It's more like kissing than anything. The first thing to know is that (unless you start biting...a big no-no), you probably can't do anything wrong. Guys are easy in more ways than one. Honestly, the best way to get the idea is to buy yourself a popsicle. The licking, sucking, and slurping are all very similar. Try different approaches and see which one gets the best response...hard and soft, fast and slow. Change it up. Every guy is different, so you have to find out what he likes. Sometimes it will take a little practice, but that's part of the fun.
Massachusetts
Asks:
How do you give a blow job? My boyfriend keeps begging me to give him one. I asked my friends and they laughed at me. I don't think they know either. I asked my mom and she said if I was old enough to give one, I would know what it is. She said, "You are to young you don't want to get pregnant at your age." Do you blow soft or hard?
Lee's Thoughts:
I'm going to set aside the issue of whether or not you should be doing this (Even though I LOVE your mom's response) and address a few other important points you brought up.
a) First, if you are not comfortable with this, tell your boyfriend to F--- OFF!! No act of sex (or love) will be enjoyable if you are being coerced into it. If you tell him that you're not into it, he will drop the subject if he has any respect for you at all.
b) I think that the *Real Mom* would agree with me that maybe we need an in-depth article on this site that illustrates and describes exactly how you CAN get pregnant. There seems to be a bit of confusion out there.
c) You can NOT get pregnant from giving a blow job (remember, sperm+egg=baby) UNLESS you give into the line... "Oh, that was so good, but you know what would be even better???". Basically, a blowjob can be sort of a "gateway" sex act that can lead to acts that will get you pregnant. So, be sure to SET YOUR BOUNDARIES and STICK TO THEM.
d) There is NO BLOWING INVOLVED in a blow job. It's more like kissing than anything. The first thing to know is that (unless you start biting...a big no-no), you probably can't do anything wrong. Guys are easy in more ways than one. Honestly, the best way to get the idea is to buy yourself a popsicle. The licking, sucking, and slurping are all very similar. Try different approaches and see which one gets the best response...hard and soft, fast and slow. Change it up. Every guy is different, so you have to find out what he likes. Sometimes it will take a little practice, but that's part of the fun.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Love and Age
Shannon, 14
Oklahoma
Asks:
Do you think there is a certain age for love?
Lee's Thoughts:
What a beautiful question to think about on this beautiful (almost Spring) Friday. I think that if you are old enough to think about it, you are old enough to experience love. If you feel a warmth, a stirring in your soul that no other word or phrase can adequately describe, that feeling is usually screaming out to you that it is love. Once you acknowledge that, it seems to fit perfectly.
What is so amazing about love is the millions of different levels and degrees and depths at which you can feel it and the millions of different people you can feel it for, be it family, a pet, a best friend, or a romantic interest.
For me, love and life are inextricably entwined. To answer your question, No, I do not think there is a certain age for love. Like I said, when you feel it, you just *know* what it is if you listen to yourself.
However, the beauty of the journey of life is the lessons. Throughout life, people learn how to love. With every relationship, with every year, with every passing day, we learn the depths of love that we are capable of. So, the love you feel at 14 years old is different from the love you felt at 10 years old. (Do you remember? Do you agree?) Think back. It doesn't even compare, does it? The love you may feel now is completely different then the love you will have at 20 or 25 or 30. That is because you are a different person. You have different tools, different experiences, different knowledge.
Honestly, it just...keeps...getting...BETTER!!
Oklahoma
Asks:
Do you think there is a certain age for love?
Lee's Thoughts:
What a beautiful question to think about on this beautiful (almost Spring) Friday. I think that if you are old enough to think about it, you are old enough to experience love. If you feel a warmth, a stirring in your soul that no other word or phrase can adequately describe, that feeling is usually screaming out to you that it is love. Once you acknowledge that, it seems to fit perfectly.
What is so amazing about love is the millions of different levels and degrees and depths at which you can feel it and the millions of different people you can feel it for, be it family, a pet, a best friend, or a romantic interest.
For me, love and life are inextricably entwined. To answer your question, No, I do not think there is a certain age for love. Like I said, when you feel it, you just *know* what it is if you listen to yourself.
However, the beauty of the journey of life is the lessons. Throughout life, people learn how to love. With every relationship, with every year, with every passing day, we learn the depths of love that we are capable of. So, the love you feel at 14 years old is different from the love you felt at 10 years old. (Do you remember? Do you agree?) Think back. It doesn't even compare, does it? The love you may feel now is completely different then the love you will have at 20 or 25 or 30. That is because you are a different person. You have different tools, different experiences, different knowledge.
Honestly, it just...keeps...getting...BETTER!!
That is why I can't understand when someone says that they want to get married at age 17 or 18. It's insane to me, because in my (ahem) late 20's or sooo.... I know that the 25 and 30 year old love is sooo much deeper and wiser and more fun! We make GRAND strides from our teens to our twenties, no matter who we are. There are so many tools to gather as independent people learning about love.
Love is something that can be felt very early in life and will probably be felt all throughout our lives. Yes, the loss of it and the striving for it will cause pain at times, but it is incredibly worth it. We all have great capacities for love. It's just a matter of being patient with ourselves, our lives, and our soulmates trying to find us.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Dating a Player
Icelin, 16
Missouri
Asks:
I have this boyfriend and he's really great, kind of a punk. Anyway, he's been known to constantly play with girls heads and lead them on and stuff. But since I've hooked up with him he's been really great and I like him a lot. I'm just afraid of getting played. Can you give me some advice?
Lee's Thoughts:
Icelin. You sound like a smart girl. I think that it is obvious when a guy starts cheating on, lying to, or otherwise messing with the head of a girl, so I'm pretty sure you'll be able to see it if he does start playing games. The problem comes when most girls decide they don't want to see it. They make excuses for him because they are obsessed with making it work out and trying to have a happy ending. Especially since you are aware of his past, you'll be able to catch him in the act. He's not James Bond.
He obviously didn't care about any of those other girls. He was just being a teenage boy and doing what he wanted without any thought about them. He didn't care if they got mad. He didn't care if they broke up with him. However, if things are going as well as you say, maybe he actually likes you. Maybe you actually matter. This is the time of life when boys and girls are exploring themselves, each other, and relationships. It's a process of deciding what you want and need out of a partner and then trying to find the person that can give that to you. You're both young. He hasn't found what he's looking for yet, but maybe its you!
I think the best way to stop the games before they start is to talk to him about what he expects from you and your relationship. Ask him if he wants to be exclusive, or date other people. Ask him if he thinks he will EVER want to be exclusive. If he says, "Na...I like girls. I like dating a different one every week." then you know where you stand. By asking him questions, you are showing him that you really do care about him and what he wants. You are letting him know that talking honestly is a lot easier than sneaking around to get what he wants. You need to know his expectations and he needs to know yours if this relationship will be happy and productive at all.
Once you ask him, then you have to make sure he knows what your *non-negotiables* are. Let him know that you would rather he NOT go around kissing other girls. If that is something he wants to do, he can find a different girlfriend. Make sure he knows that lying is unacceptable to you. Tell him that things will be cool, as long as he is straight with you.
Also, I'm sure you have a huge posse of friends who can keep an eye on him. If he's hugging up on other girls, if he's not somewhere he said he'll be...like I said, you'll find out. If he doesn't care enough about you to stop the games, then he won't care if he gets caught and it will be easy.
Basically, yes you are taking a risk based on his past, but I think its worth it as long as you keep your eyes open.
Missouri
Asks:
I have this boyfriend and he's really great, kind of a punk. Anyway, he's been known to constantly play with girls heads and lead them on and stuff. But since I've hooked up with him he's been really great and I like him a lot. I'm just afraid of getting played. Can you give me some advice?
Lee's Thoughts:
Icelin. You sound like a smart girl. I think that it is obvious when a guy starts cheating on, lying to, or otherwise messing with the head of a girl, so I'm pretty sure you'll be able to see it if he does start playing games. The problem comes when most girls decide they don't want to see it. They make excuses for him because they are obsessed with making it work out and trying to have a happy ending. Especially since you are aware of his past, you'll be able to catch him in the act. He's not James Bond.
He obviously didn't care about any of those other girls. He was just being a teenage boy and doing what he wanted without any thought about them. He didn't care if they got mad. He didn't care if they broke up with him. However, if things are going as well as you say, maybe he actually likes you. Maybe you actually matter. This is the time of life when boys and girls are exploring themselves, each other, and relationships. It's a process of deciding what you want and need out of a partner and then trying to find the person that can give that to you. You're both young. He hasn't found what he's looking for yet, but maybe its you!
I think the best way to stop the games before they start is to talk to him about what he expects from you and your relationship. Ask him if he wants to be exclusive, or date other people. Ask him if he thinks he will EVER want to be exclusive. If he says, "Na...I like girls. I like dating a different one every week." then you know where you stand. By asking him questions, you are showing him that you really do care about him and what he wants. You are letting him know that talking honestly is a lot easier than sneaking around to get what he wants. You need to know his expectations and he needs to know yours if this relationship will be happy and productive at all.
Once you ask him, then you have to make sure he knows what your *non-negotiables* are. Let him know that you would rather he NOT go around kissing other girls. If that is something he wants to do, he can find a different girlfriend. Make sure he knows that lying is unacceptable to you. Tell him that things will be cool, as long as he is straight with you.
Also, I'm sure you have a huge posse of friends who can keep an eye on him. If he's hugging up on other girls, if he's not somewhere he said he'll be...like I said, you'll find out. If he doesn't care enough about you to stop the games, then he won't care if he gets caught and it will be easy.
Basically, yes you are taking a risk based on his past, but I think its worth it as long as you keep your eyes open.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Are YOU Dating a Loser???
I know...sometimes you just can't tell! Sometimes it's tough to see through the cloud of a complex relationship. Sometimes you are just so FOCUSED on those few, rare but exciting moments when your relationship actually feels good, when you feel connected, when it seems like he (or she) is the only person in the world who understands you...that you don't see the amount of energy you are expending on a person who is giving nothing back. You forget that relationships are supposed to be happiness sprinkled with some struggle, not struggle sprinkled with some happiness.
It doesn't matter how old you are, or how long you've been in a relationship. Most of the time, a LOSER or a bad relationship is not as easy to observe as a black eye. Most of the time, it is simply a culmination of those slick and subtle moments when you feel like crap. These moments are clear to the people who love you, but not always so clear to the person enduring the pain.
The following essay, by Dr. Joseph Carver is genius. It identifies clear (YET SUBTLE) behaviors that lead to the black eye, or even the hospital visit. It calls out those seemingly inconsequential comments like,
"He just has a bit of a temper."
"He wanted to marry me a month after we met!"
"Be sure not to talk about a, b, or c in front of her."
"It's my fault she's so angry all the time."
Read this link. Think about past relationships. Think about your best friend's new girlfriend. Think about that new guy you just met. Take care of yourself and take care of each other.
Are you dating a LOSER?
http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html
It doesn't matter how old you are, or how long you've been in a relationship. Most of the time, a LOSER or a bad relationship is not as easy to observe as a black eye. Most of the time, it is simply a culmination of those slick and subtle moments when you feel like crap. These moments are clear to the people who love you, but not always so clear to the person enduring the pain.
The following essay, by Dr. Joseph Carver is genius. It identifies clear (YET SUBTLE) behaviors that lead to the black eye, or even the hospital visit. It calls out those seemingly inconsequential comments like,
"He just has a bit of a temper."
"He wanted to marry me a month after we met!"
"Be sure not to talk about a, b, or c in front of her."
"It's my fault she's so angry all the time."
Read this link. Think about past relationships. Think about your best friend's new girlfriend. Think about that new guy you just met. Take care of yourself and take care of each other.
Are you dating a LOSER?
http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html
To Shave or Not to Shave
Liz, 15
Massachusetts
Asks:
All my friends shave their pubic hair. They say it is a lot cleaner. I asked my mom if I could and she said, "Only whores do that." She said guys like it shaven cause it make you look like a little girl. Should I do what friends do or my mom says?
Lee's Thoughts:
I say, shave a little note in there that says, "I have no brain of my own."
Liz, you are slowing stepping across the threshold from girlhood to womanhood. Take this chance with a small issue to decide what YOU want to do and then DO IT.
YOUR MOM IS NOT IN CONTROL OF YOUR PUBIC HAIR
YOU FRIENDS ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF YOUR PUBIC HAIR
Even if you shave it all off today, you know in a week it will be cool to have the *landing strip*. Then, a week later everyone will be growing it out into a *wild garden*. A month later, the cool thing will be a buzzcut. Are you going to go around taking this poll and asking everyone what their pubes look like before you decide what to do with yours?
After high school, when all your dumbass friends are going to the third rate community college around the corner...Will you go there too?...Even though you were accepted to the Ivy League college in another state?
My point is, WHO FREAKING CARES about other peoples opinions of your most sacred body part? Do what you want. Try different things. See what works best for you. Exert YOUR mark in this world by exercising your uniqueness. Create a body and a life that is yours, that you can be proud of.
Massachusetts
Asks:
All my friends shave their pubic hair. They say it is a lot cleaner. I asked my mom if I could and she said, "Only whores do that." She said guys like it shaven cause it make you look like a little girl. Should I do what friends do or my mom says?
Lee's Thoughts:
I say, shave a little note in there that says, "I have no brain of my own."
Liz, you are slowing stepping across the threshold from girlhood to womanhood. Take this chance with a small issue to decide what YOU want to do and then DO IT.
YOUR MOM IS NOT IN CONTROL OF YOUR PUBIC HAIR
YOU FRIENDS ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF YOUR PUBIC HAIR
Even if you shave it all off today, you know in a week it will be cool to have the *landing strip*. Then, a week later everyone will be growing it out into a *wild garden*. A month later, the cool thing will be a buzzcut. Are you going to go around taking this poll and asking everyone what their pubes look like before you decide what to do with yours?
After high school, when all your dumbass friends are going to the third rate community college around the corner...Will you go there too?...Even though you were accepted to the Ivy League college in another state?
My point is, WHO FREAKING CARES about other peoples opinions of your most sacred body part? Do what you want. Try different things. See what works best for you. Exert YOUR mark in this world by exercising your uniqueness. Create a body and a life that is yours, that you can be proud of.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
She's Asking Why He's with Her
Russell, 23
Utah
Asks:
My girlfriend is asking why I would date her and stay with her through all the hard times. She makes it sound like she wants to break up. What does that mean?
Lee's Thoughts:
She could very well be prepping you for a break-up, but a more likely possibility is that she just needs some reassurance. Even girls in the happiest of relationships or marriages need to hear why you love them once in a while. Maybe she feels like she hasn't been the best girlfriend lately, or that she's been putting you through the ringer a little bit. She may just need to know that despite all the tough times, you still love her and still see a future with her.
Do not expect the worst. If you expect the worst, you will create the worst.
As I always say, women like to talk a lot more then men. Maybe she just needs to hear some things and luckily for you, she's being straightforward and simply asking. Don't worry. Just be gentle and talk to her.
Utah
Asks:
My girlfriend is asking why I would date her and stay with her through all the hard times. She makes it sound like she wants to break up. What does that mean?
Lee's Thoughts:
She could very well be prepping you for a break-up, but a more likely possibility is that she just needs some reassurance. Even girls in the happiest of relationships or marriages need to hear why you love them once in a while. Maybe she feels like she hasn't been the best girlfriend lately, or that she's been putting you through the ringer a little bit. She may just need to know that despite all the tough times, you still love her and still see a future with her.
Do not expect the worst. If you expect the worst, you will create the worst.
As I always say, women like to talk a lot more then men. Maybe she just needs to hear some things and luckily for you, she's being straightforward and simply asking. Don't worry. Just be gentle and talk to her.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Does He Still Love Me?
Ashley, 14 from Minnesota
Asks:
I don't know if my boyfriend loves me anymore. How do I get him to tell me without asking him? How do I get him to get more interested and love me and want to be with me more again?
Lee's Thoughts:
If you psychic powers of mind reading are failing you, the only thing you can do is talk to him about it. If you don't feel you can talk to him about it, you are probably either:
a) with the wrong guy or
b) not ready for a real relationship
It's my opinion that if you don't FEEL the love from the other person, THERE IS NO LOVE. I've been in relationships where there was a "translation" problem. He kept saying he was trying to express it, but it didn't get through. Not good enough. Obviously there's something wrong and its time to Moooove On.
As for getting him to be interested again, why? Even if your magical powers work and he suddenly becomes loving again, odds are he'll probably drop the ball again sometime down the road and you'll be right back where you started.
You are only 14. Throughout your experiences with the many other guys you will date, please keep this question in mind...."How do I feel in this relationship?" Take time to think about the answer. Is it...joyful? stressed? annoyed? suffocated? enlightened? empowered? Write down as many adjectives as you can that will describe it. This list will spell it out beautifully. Then remember that you are in control of your life. Your happiness is not based on his whim.
Good Luck!
Asks:
I don't know if my boyfriend loves me anymore. How do I get him to tell me without asking him? How do I get him to get more interested and love me and want to be with me more again?
Lee's Thoughts:
If you psychic powers of mind reading are failing you, the only thing you can do is talk to him about it. If you don't feel you can talk to him about it, you are probably either:
a) with the wrong guy or
b) not ready for a real relationship
It's my opinion that if you don't FEEL the love from the other person, THERE IS NO LOVE. I've been in relationships where there was a "translation" problem. He kept saying he was trying to express it, but it didn't get through. Not good enough. Obviously there's something wrong and its time to Moooove On.
As for getting him to be interested again, why? Even if your magical powers work and he suddenly becomes loving again, odds are he'll probably drop the ball again sometime down the road and you'll be right back where you started.
You are only 14. Throughout your experiences with the many other guys you will date, please keep this question in mind...."How do I feel in this relationship?" Take time to think about the answer. Is it...joyful? stressed? annoyed? suffocated? enlightened? empowered? Write down as many adjectives as you can that will describe it. This list will spell it out beautifully. Then remember that you are in control of your life. Your happiness is not based on his whim.
Good Luck!
She Hasn't Orgasmed for a While
Thomas, 23 from Sweden
Asks:
Can you try too hard? My girlfriend has gone off sex since we moved in. She hasn't orgasmed for a while and last time she did I think she faked it. She isn't adventurous in bed and it's becoming a problem.
Lee's Thoughts:
Sexual chemistry is an extremely important aspect of a relationship in my opinion. It is a delicate balance to achieve the frequency, diversity, intensity, fun content, and hotness content that both parties are comfortable with.
*Faking it* is a definite RED FLAG.
I have said before that hormonal birth control can dramatically decrease a women's libido. This may or may not be an issue for you. In any case, you are right, not orgasming is a problem. Maybe ask her to masturbate in front of you, so you can see exactly what gets her off. (fast, slow, clockwise, side-to-side, hard, soft, inside, outside...etc.)
Another sure fire way to find out what's going on is to (GASP) ASK HER. Hopefully your relationship is open and honest enough to talk about this kind of stuff. It's important on many different levels. Basically, I'm happy that you care enough to know that something needs to be changed.
This can only be fixed by they guy putting aside his macho ego and the girl being secure enough to SAY WHAT SHE WANTS.
As for "adventurous". Try to start slow. Don't pull out the sex swing just yet. First you have to make sure that she feels safe and comfortable doing the basics. Then, bring out a feather (very non-threatening) and have her close her eyes while you gently touch her with it along every inch of her body. This will establish trust. (Oh yeah, she gets to do the same to you.) Again, with her eyes closed, feed her different fruits, chocolates and other yummy things. These are baby steps that will show her that she can explore new sensations in a safe place with you.
Basically, go slow and make sure you tell her what is going on at every step. Soon, you'll be able to put on the rubber mask, break out the whip and things will start getting crazy. You never know, you may unleash her inner freak.
Good Luck!!
Asks:
Can you try too hard? My girlfriend has gone off sex since we moved in. She hasn't orgasmed for a while and last time she did I think she faked it. She isn't adventurous in bed and it's becoming a problem.
Lee's Thoughts:
Sexual chemistry is an extremely important aspect of a relationship in my opinion. It is a delicate balance to achieve the frequency, diversity, intensity, fun content, and hotness content that both parties are comfortable with.
*Faking it* is a definite RED FLAG.
I have said before that hormonal birth control can dramatically decrease a women's libido. This may or may not be an issue for you. In any case, you are right, not orgasming is a problem. Maybe ask her to masturbate in front of you, so you can see exactly what gets her off. (fast, slow, clockwise, side-to-side, hard, soft, inside, outside...etc.)
Another sure fire way to find out what's going on is to (GASP) ASK HER. Hopefully your relationship is open and honest enough to talk about this kind of stuff. It's important on many different levels. Basically, I'm happy that you care enough to know that something needs to be changed.
This can only be fixed by they guy putting aside his macho ego and the girl being secure enough to SAY WHAT SHE WANTS.
As for "adventurous". Try to start slow. Don't pull out the sex swing just yet. First you have to make sure that she feels safe and comfortable doing the basics. Then, bring out a feather (very non-threatening) and have her close her eyes while you gently touch her with it along every inch of her body. This will establish trust. (Oh yeah, she gets to do the same to you.) Again, with her eyes closed, feed her different fruits, chocolates and other yummy things. These are baby steps that will show her that she can explore new sensations in a safe place with you.
Basically, go slow and make sure you tell her what is going on at every step. Soon, you'll be able to put on the rubber mask, break out the whip and things will start getting crazy. You never know, you may unleash her inner freak.
Good Luck!!
Should She Uninvite the Crush?
Rachelle, 13
California
Asks:
Hi. I asked my crush to my birthday party and I asked him to go out with me last week and he said NO. Do you think I should uninvite him or just play it cool when he comes ????
Lee's Thoughts:
Definitely do NOT uninvite him. That would be the action of an overly dramatic little girl instead of a secure and cool woman. Just because he said no to going out, doesn't mean he isn't a good guy. We have no idea if he will come to the party, but you need to act like the party (and life) will be fabulous either way.
Basically, do not create drama out of this. Be cool, but not icy, if you know what I mean. Make sure he (along with everyone) feels welcome at your party, and just have a good time yourself! You never know, maybe he'll end up asking YOU out in a couple weeks!!
California
Asks:
Hi. I asked my crush to my birthday party and I asked him to go out with me last week and he said NO. Do you think I should uninvite him or just play it cool when he comes ????
Lee's Thoughts:
Definitely do NOT uninvite him. That would be the action of an overly dramatic little girl instead of a secure and cool woman. Just because he said no to going out, doesn't mean he isn't a good guy. We have no idea if he will come to the party, but you need to act like the party (and life) will be fabulous either way.
Basically, do not create drama out of this. Be cool, but not icy, if you know what I mean. Make sure he (along with everyone) feels welcome at your party, and just have a good time yourself! You never know, maybe he'll end up asking YOU out in a couple weeks!!
Friday, March 10, 2006
He's Taking it Slow
Jynn, 14
PCHS (Is this a new U.S. state I haven't heard of??)
Asks:
I have this totally great boyfriend but he won't make any moves. We've been best friends since second grade and just started dating in the eighth grade. My question is how do I get him to make a move? Or should I make the move?
Lee's Thoughts:
I'm not sure exactly which "move" you are talking about. If you've been friends since second grade, he may be having a hard time making the transition from buddies to romance. That's the sign of a good guy. He actually has respect for you. I suggest starting reeeeallly slow. Just hold his hand. Its a small, but significant gesture and its non-threatening. You need to just get him comfortable with that, and then take the baby steps forward.
If he's agreed to be your boyfriend, he probably won't slap your face if you lean in for a kiss. Try it! There's NOTHING wrong with making the first move. Good Luck!
PCHS (Is this a new U.S. state I haven't heard of??)
Asks:
I have this totally great boyfriend but he won't make any moves. We've been best friends since second grade and just started dating in the eighth grade. My question is how do I get him to make a move? Or should I make the move?
Lee's Thoughts:
I'm not sure exactly which "move" you are talking about. If you've been friends since second grade, he may be having a hard time making the transition from buddies to romance. That's the sign of a good guy. He actually has respect for you. I suggest starting reeeeallly slow. Just hold his hand. Its a small, but significant gesture and its non-threatening. You need to just get him comfortable with that, and then take the baby steps forward.
If he's agreed to be your boyfriend, he probably won't slap your face if you lean in for a kiss. Try it! There's NOTHING wrong with making the first move. Good Luck!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Vertically Challenged
Paul, 15
Pennsylvania
Asks:
My girlfriend gave me a handjob and blowjob for the first time, but I couldn't stay up. Is this normal? I think she was mad.
Lee's Thoughts:
Hopefully you are with a decent enough girl that she won't be overly concerned or pissy about this. Yes, it is normal. Maybe you need to spend some more time "by yourself" if you get my meaning. This way, there's no pressure and you can just observe what works for you.
Another problem could be that you aren't completely comfortable with her. Be sure that this is something you are ready for and WANT to do. If so, then a good partner will be patient and the "practicing" will be fun. Just relax.
Pennsylvania
Asks:
My girlfriend gave me a handjob and blowjob for the first time, but I couldn't stay up. Is this normal? I think she was mad.
Lee's Thoughts:
Hopefully you are with a decent enough girl that she won't be overly concerned or pissy about this. Yes, it is normal. Maybe you need to spend some more time "by yourself" if you get my meaning. This way, there's no pressure and you can just observe what works for you.
Another problem could be that you aren't completely comfortable with her. Be sure that this is something you are ready for and WANT to do. If so, then a good partner will be patient and the "practicing" will be fun. Just relax.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
What Can We Talk About?
David, 15
Texas
Asks:
I have a girl friend and have NO idea what to talk to her about. She says I'm quiet sometimes. What can I talk to her about?
Lee's Thoughts:
The answer is, ask questions, ask questions, ask questions....
Most girls LOVE to talk. Once you get them talking, you can just sit back and be your quiet self. Ask her about things she's interested in. Ask her about her family. Ask her opinion about anything.
Bring up something on the news or something you learned in class. Go see a movie and then discuss that afterwards. Basically share your insides and see if she responds.
When all else fails, maybe its time to consider that you don't really LIKE talking to her. Relationships shouldn't be hard work. You should feel the resonance between you and this girl. If you don't feel comfortable around her, maybe its time to look elsewhere.
Texas
Asks:
I have a girl friend and have NO idea what to talk to her about. She says I'm quiet sometimes. What can I talk to her about?
Lee's Thoughts:
The answer is, ask questions, ask questions, ask questions....
Most girls LOVE to talk. Once you get them talking, you can just sit back and be your quiet self. Ask her about things she's interested in. Ask her about her family. Ask her opinion about anything.
Bring up something on the news or something you learned in class. Go see a movie and then discuss that afterwards. Basically share your insides and see if she responds.
When all else fails, maybe its time to consider that you don't really LIKE talking to her. Relationships shouldn't be hard work. You should feel the resonance between you and this girl. If you don't feel comfortable around her, maybe its time to look elsewhere.
A Columbian Guy
Samantha, 25
USA
Asks:
I been thinking about getting involved with this guy, he's Columbian, I'm Caucasian. Is there anything you can tell me about the Columbian male disposition towards women, bad or good traits I should be aware of or look for?
Lee's Thoughts:
I have no experience with Columbian guys, but why not just spend more time with him and you can find out for yourself? Ask him about his mother or his sisters. That may give you a clue as to his "disposition towards women". You need to get to know this guy just as you would a Caucasian guy. There are princes and jerks out there and you never know which one you have until you dig a little deeper.
Just talk to him about things that are important to you and see how he responds.
Maybe some readers will be able to post their "Columbian Guy" experiences....anyone???
Good luck!
USA
Asks:
I been thinking about getting involved with this guy, he's Columbian, I'm Caucasian. Is there anything you can tell me about the Columbian male disposition towards women, bad or good traits I should be aware of or look for?
Lee's Thoughts:
I have no experience with Columbian guys, but why not just spend more time with him and you can find out for yourself? Ask him about his mother or his sisters. That may give you a clue as to his "disposition towards women". You need to get to know this guy just as you would a Caucasian guy. There are princes and jerks out there and you never know which one you have until you dig a little deeper.
Just talk to him about things that are important to you and see how he responds.
Maybe some readers will be able to post their "Columbian Guy" experiences....anyone???
Good luck!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
My Friend's Unhealthy Relationship
Sarah, 18
Ohio
Asks:
One of my best friends is in an unhealthy relationship but she just can't see it. I know how her fiance is because he's tried doing things to me while they're engaged. This is the 3rd time he's done stuff with another girl because he knows she won't leave him and she's too naive to realize what he's doing. I've talked to her so many times...What should I do? What should she do?
Lee's Thoughts:
The only thing you can do is make sure that she is aware of what he's done to you and others. Also, if I were you, I would never hang out with them as a couple since he is such a scum. Aside from the simple principle that you just don't want that type of crappy soul within your sphere, for the sake of your own physical safety you need to make sure that you are never alone with him.
As for your friend...I know it is painful, but she is an adult, she is aware of the type of person he is, and SHE IS CHOOSING to be with him for some reason. Maybe she doesn't feel like a REAL MAN, a good man, an honorable man would like her. Maybe she doesn't feel like she deserves a decent man. She obviously has some personal issues (maybe from childhood?) that keep her with this jerk and they are way to much for you to handle.
If you have told her straight out what he's done and she stays with him, the only other thing you can do is make sure she knows that she deserves better. Make sure she knows that she deserves a man who would lie down in mud for her and would never THINK of hitting on her friends. It's extremely hard to help a friend increase her self-esteem. The only way for her to improve it is from within her own heart.
Another glitch is that they are engaged. I'm sure she is knee-deep in the fog of wedding planning and trying not to think about the daily doubts she has. If you bring it up (thus threatening the wedding-related-excitement), you may become the enemy. It is sad, but you may even lose your friend over this. Who can have respect for someone who doesn't even respect herself? Just try to continue to speak the gentle truth to her. Maybe one day it will get through.
Good Luck.
Ohio
Asks:
One of my best friends is in an unhealthy relationship but she just can't see it. I know how her fiance is because he's tried doing things to me while they're engaged. This is the 3rd time he's done stuff with another girl because he knows she won't leave him and she's too naive to realize what he's doing. I've talked to her so many times...What should I do? What should she do?
Lee's Thoughts:
The only thing you can do is make sure that she is aware of what he's done to you and others. Also, if I were you, I would never hang out with them as a couple since he is such a scum. Aside from the simple principle that you just don't want that type of crappy soul within your sphere, for the sake of your own physical safety you need to make sure that you are never alone with him.
As for your friend...I know it is painful, but she is an adult, she is aware of the type of person he is, and SHE IS CHOOSING to be with him for some reason. Maybe she doesn't feel like a REAL MAN, a good man, an honorable man would like her. Maybe she doesn't feel like she deserves a decent man. She obviously has some personal issues (maybe from childhood?) that keep her with this jerk and they are way to much for you to handle.
If you have told her straight out what he's done and she stays with him, the only other thing you can do is make sure she knows that she deserves better. Make sure she knows that she deserves a man who would lie down in mud for her and would never THINK of hitting on her friends. It's extremely hard to help a friend increase her self-esteem. The only way for her to improve it is from within her own heart.
Another glitch is that they are engaged. I'm sure she is knee-deep in the fog of wedding planning and trying not to think about the daily doubts she has. If you bring it up (thus threatening the wedding-related-excitement), you may become the enemy. It is sad, but you may even lose your friend over this. Who can have respect for someone who doesn't even respect herself? Just try to continue to speak the gentle truth to her. Maybe one day it will get through.
Good Luck.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Sex for the First Time
Danielle, 13
Newcastle
Asks:
I think I am going to have sex tonight with my boyfriend but I am nervous. What can I do to stop being so nervous?
Lee's Thoughts:
You are nervous for a reason. You shouldn't be doing this. Why don't you join a sport at school? Drama? Student Government? Do something more productive with your time.
I promise you, sex right now is not going to be good. You will regret it when you break up with this boy (Yes, you will break up with him, probably within six months). Then there is birth control and disease that you have to think about (Are you even on the pill?). Right now, it is really more pain in the ass than its worth, I swear.
Don't do it.
P.S.
No, I'm not a *wait until marriage* kinda gal...but 13 is just.way.too.young.sorry.
Newcastle
Asks:
I think I am going to have sex tonight with my boyfriend but I am nervous. What can I do to stop being so nervous?
Lee's Thoughts:
You are nervous for a reason. You shouldn't be doing this. Why don't you join a sport at school? Drama? Student Government? Do something more productive with your time.
I promise you, sex right now is not going to be good. You will regret it when you break up with this boy (Yes, you will break up with him, probably within six months). Then there is birth control and disease that you have to think about (Are you even on the pill?). Right now, it is really more pain in the ass than its worth, I swear.
Don't do it.
P.S.
No, I'm not a *wait until marriage* kinda gal...but 13 is just.way.too.young.sorry.
Anal Sex
Briana, 17
East Prairie
Asks:
Does anal sex hurt?
Lee's Thoughts:
Yes.
There are much more fun and pleasurable ways to have sex.
I say, skip it.
East Prairie
Asks:
Does anal sex hurt?
Lee's Thoughts:
Yes.
There are much more fun and pleasurable ways to have sex.
I say, skip it.
The Ninth Wheel
Faith, 18
California
Asks:
5 girls. 4 guys. All friends/best friends for years. 4 couples. 1 girl left out. Girl was fine till recently. Seems distant/ mad at the rest of us/ always has a reason to be mad at someone. Even when we try and do a girls night out or just people in general (not all couples complete) she always makes an excuse. Has recently started saying that she doesn't want to hang out with us at all. Advice for how to calm her down? Let her see we're still friends? Help her be happy for us and not be mad that we found people we can be with?
Lee's Thoughts:
You can only do so much to make a person feel comfortable. The girls nights out are a great idea. Girls are great at communicating with each other and having fun regardless if they are single, married, or dating. Something else to try would be asking her to do more things one-on-one, just you and her. Maybe the other girls in the group could try that as well. It would make her feel like she has a strong individual relationships with you and the others and she's not just a ninth wheel in the group.
You are eighteen and this is a very transitional age anyway. You all are not only exploring your relationships, but I'm sure pondering college, jobs, and your future. You are making huge decisions that will determine your life's course. This also includes the people you spend time with. This girl may just have outgrown you all or vice versa. Sometimes it happens. Like I said, you can only do so much to make people feel comfortable. The rest is up to her.
California
Asks:
5 girls. 4 guys. All friends/best friends for years. 4 couples. 1 girl left out. Girl was fine till recently. Seems distant/ mad at the rest of us/ always has a reason to be mad at someone. Even when we try and do a girls night out or just people in general (not all couples complete) she always makes an excuse. Has recently started saying that she doesn't want to hang out with us at all. Advice for how to calm her down? Let her see we're still friends? Help her be happy for us and not be mad that we found people we can be with?
Lee's Thoughts:
You can only do so much to make a person feel comfortable. The girls nights out are a great idea. Girls are great at communicating with each other and having fun regardless if they are single, married, or dating. Something else to try would be asking her to do more things one-on-one, just you and her. Maybe the other girls in the group could try that as well. It would make her feel like she has a strong individual relationships with you and the others and she's not just a ninth wheel in the group.
You are eighteen and this is a very transitional age anyway. You all are not only exploring your relationships, but I'm sure pondering college, jobs, and your future. You are making huge decisions that will determine your life's course. This also includes the people you spend time with. This girl may just have outgrown you all or vice versa. Sometimes it happens. Like I said, you can only do so much to make people feel comfortable. The rest is up to her.
Friday, March 03, 2006
This Woman at Work...
Richard, 49
Australia
Asks:
I work with a women who I believe is happily married. We are good friends at work only but she seems to smile all the time at me. She likes to talk to me a lot and always tries to involve me in conversations when she's talking to others. She has given small gifts from time to time, but seems to want nobody at work to know. Does this women really like me more than a friend? She has also told me bits of information that she wants kept secret, so I guess she trusts me.
Lee's Thoughts:
Richard....Do you really want to be "the other man" ? This is really not worth it. Some women are simply more relaxed and friendly with the opposite sex when they are in a committed relationship. It's much easier to talk to a guy when you know it will go nowhere. So maybe that is all there is.
Who cares if she likes you as more than a friend? Don't be the shmuck that breaks up a marriage. Be friendly with her, but keep it at that. Just appreciate her friendship, but look elsewhere for romance. It will be MUCH easier for you in the long run.
Australia
Asks:
I work with a women who I believe is happily married. We are good friends at work only but she seems to smile all the time at me. She likes to talk to me a lot and always tries to involve me in conversations when she's talking to others. She has given small gifts from time to time, but seems to want nobody at work to know. Does this women really like me more than a friend? She has also told me bits of information that she wants kept secret, so I guess she trusts me.
Lee's Thoughts:
Richard....Do you really want to be "the other man" ? This is really not worth it. Some women are simply more relaxed and friendly with the opposite sex when they are in a committed relationship. It's much easier to talk to a guy when you know it will go nowhere. So maybe that is all there is.
Who cares if she likes you as more than a friend? Don't be the shmuck that breaks up a marriage. Be friendly with her, but keep it at that. Just appreciate her friendship, but look elsewhere for romance. It will be MUCH easier for you in the long run.
She Won't Put Out
Barry, 37
South Africa
Asks:
I was recently married after a 5 year courtship. We are both very much in love with each other, except recently she seems to prefer not making love, but just reading or watching a movie until very late, in fact just until I am asleep and then she will go to bed. I have confronted her about this a few times now, but she just laughs it off and says that I am imagining things.
We have always had a very good sex life and she also knows that I am a bit over active sexually, but she sort of ignores me totally when it comes to lovemaking, no matter how hard I try.
The problem is my ex has been calling me recently and I mentioned it to my wife (we have no secrets and keep nothing from each other). My ex has been asking me to see her (just for old times sake) and as much as I know I can and will resist her, I sometimes get so tired waiting for my wife to come around that I'm scared I would do what I shouldn’t ....
Lee’s Thoughts:
Barry, First, I know you already painfully know this, but a woman’s libido is generally less intense then that of a man. Another thing to think about is her birth control. Hormonal birth control such as the pill can drastically decrease a woman’s sexual urges. Maybe she would be open to finding another b/c option that uses a lesser degree of hormones.
In any case, you need to make her understand that sex is not just a way for you to get off. When you want to make love to her, you aren’t simply horny. Tell her that you can get it from your ex, or a prostitute on the street, or even from yourself in the shower, but to you, sex is about EXPRESSING YOUR LOVE FOR HER. This is a way for you to be close to HER, not to just get your rocks off.
The women’s liberation movement has portrayed men as oversexed morons. Men are mocked for wanting sex and wanting to be close to the woman they love. This is insane. We want men to be strong and protective and providing, but we laugh at them when they want sex and then beat them down emotionally by repeatedly rebuffing their advances. I hope all the married women reading this please take note…MEN ARE EASY. If you truly love your man, if you don’t want him to start pondering going back to his ex just because she will provide the affection he is lacking in his marriage…you better take care of him!!
This man will walk through fire for you. Why would you deny him AND YOURSELF the opportunity to be close to him? Why would you not ignite the FIREWORKS that can fuel your life, your relationship, and your health, which would in turn allow you to sustain through a day of your long list of other responsibilities?
Everyone today has a million responsibilities, men AND women. But it’s crazy to me that women put sex and their men as the very last of their priorities, somewhere below cleaning the oven or pulling weeds in the garden, when our husbands should be at the very TOP of the list, earning our MOST attention.
Barry, I am so sorry about your situation. I know you have tried to talk to your wife, but you must try again. Try to approach it as seriously as you can, without making it sound like you are begging for sex. Try to tell her how much you love her and that this is your way of expressing it. Tell her that right now, it seems like your ex is more willing to show you affection than she is and that’s not right. Ask her why she isn’t willing to share her affection. Tell her how much it hurts you every time she turns you down.
Finally, ask her if she is happy in the marriage at all. Tell her that this does not seem like the attitude of a happy wife and you would be willing to do whatever it takes to improve the situation.
You need to make her realize that she is putting her marriage at risk with this behavior.
Good Luck.
South Africa
Asks:
I was recently married after a 5 year courtship. We are both very much in love with each other, except recently she seems to prefer not making love, but just reading or watching a movie until very late, in fact just until I am asleep and then she will go to bed. I have confronted her about this a few times now, but she just laughs it off and says that I am imagining things.
We have always had a very good sex life and she also knows that I am a bit over active sexually, but she sort of ignores me totally when it comes to lovemaking, no matter how hard I try.
The problem is my ex has been calling me recently and I mentioned it to my wife (we have no secrets and keep nothing from each other). My ex has been asking me to see her (just for old times sake) and as much as I know I can and will resist her, I sometimes get so tired waiting for my wife to come around that I'm scared I would do what I shouldn’t ....
Lee’s Thoughts:
Barry, First, I know you already painfully know this, but a woman’s libido is generally less intense then that of a man. Another thing to think about is her birth control. Hormonal birth control such as the pill can drastically decrease a woman’s sexual urges. Maybe she would be open to finding another b/c option that uses a lesser degree of hormones.
In any case, you need to make her understand that sex is not just a way for you to get off. When you want to make love to her, you aren’t simply horny. Tell her that you can get it from your ex, or a prostitute on the street, or even from yourself in the shower, but to you, sex is about EXPRESSING YOUR LOVE FOR HER. This is a way for you to be close to HER, not to just get your rocks off.
The women’s liberation movement has portrayed men as oversexed morons. Men are mocked for wanting sex and wanting to be close to the woman they love. This is insane. We want men to be strong and protective and providing, but we laugh at them when they want sex and then beat them down emotionally by repeatedly rebuffing their advances. I hope all the married women reading this please take note…MEN ARE EASY. If you truly love your man, if you don’t want him to start pondering going back to his ex just because she will provide the affection he is lacking in his marriage…you better take care of him!!
This man will walk through fire for you. Why would you deny him AND YOURSELF the opportunity to be close to him? Why would you not ignite the FIREWORKS that can fuel your life, your relationship, and your health, which would in turn allow you to sustain through a day of your long list of other responsibilities?
Everyone today has a million responsibilities, men AND women. But it’s crazy to me that women put sex and their men as the very last of their priorities, somewhere below cleaning the oven or pulling weeds in the garden, when our husbands should be at the very TOP of the list, earning our MOST attention.
Barry, I am so sorry about your situation. I know you have tried to talk to your wife, but you must try again. Try to approach it as seriously as you can, without making it sound like you are begging for sex. Try to tell her how much you love her and that this is your way of expressing it. Tell her that right now, it seems like your ex is more willing to show you affection than she is and that’s not right. Ask her why she isn’t willing to share her affection. Tell her how much it hurts you every time she turns you down.
Finally, ask her if she is happy in the marriage at all. Tell her that this does not seem like the attitude of a happy wife and you would be willing to do whatever it takes to improve the situation.
You need to make her realize that she is putting her marriage at risk with this behavior.
Good Luck.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Why do Men Cheat?
Ann, 24
Cape Town
Asks:
Why do men cheat?
How can I get over a break up?
Was I not good enough for him?
Lee's Thoughts:
a) Men cheat on women they DO NOT love and DO NOT want to be with.
b) What is there to get over? If he cheated on you, he didn't want to be with you. Who cares about a man who doesn't want to be with you? I say it's time to celebrate your freedom from the scumbag. Go out to that fabulous restaurant he would never take you to. Buy some spectacular shoes. Thank the universe that you are rid of him.
c) He was slimy and immature enough to screw someone else while supposedly in a committed relationship with you...and YOU are wondering if YOU were not good enough for HIM? Umm...reality check Ann...He's not good enough for you. I repeat...time to CELEBRATE!
Cape Town
Asks:
Why do men cheat?
How can I get over a break up?
Was I not good enough for him?
Lee's Thoughts:
a) Men cheat on women they DO NOT love and DO NOT want to be with.
b) What is there to get over? If he cheated on you, he didn't want to be with you. Who cares about a man who doesn't want to be with you? I say it's time to celebrate your freedom from the scumbag. Go out to that fabulous restaurant he would never take you to. Buy some spectacular shoes. Thank the universe that you are rid of him.
c) He was slimy and immature enough to screw someone else while supposedly in a committed relationship with you...and YOU are wondering if YOU were not good enough for HIM? Umm...reality check Ann...He's not good enough for you. I repeat...time to CELEBRATE!
He Won't Open Up
Mary, 22
Toronto
Asks:
I love my boyfriend very much and I want to marry him BUT he has a problem with communication and opening up his feelings to me. I don't know if I can live with a man who cannot communicate.
Lee's Thoughts:
My question for you...What else is there in a relationship BUT communication?? Maybe the sex is great. Maybe he makes a ton of money. Maybe his mom just LOVES you. But if he can't express his feelings (about you, money, family, life goals, stresses, work issues, emotional conflicts) then what kind of relationship do you really have? An imaginary one. If he doesn't TELL you what is inside of him, then you are CREATING what you would like to see inside of him. When he stays quiet, you are free to imagine whatever it is.
"He loves me sooo much, words can't describe."
"He's inwardly tortured. I shouldn't bother him to express himself."
"Words and feelings just aren't his thing."
This definitely falls under the category of "NEVER MARRY A MAN THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE" It never works. Either you will try to get him to express himself and he will resist, or he will stay this way forever and you will always be guessing about what he is feeling.
Doesn't sound like much fun to me.
Find a guy who will scream from the mountain tops how much he loves you. Find a guy who will talk with you all night about future plans. Find a guy who WANTs to share his insides with you. You deserve to have a wedding day and a marriage with no regrets.
Toronto
Asks:
I love my boyfriend very much and I want to marry him BUT he has a problem with communication and opening up his feelings to me. I don't know if I can live with a man who cannot communicate.
Lee's Thoughts:
My question for you...What else is there in a relationship BUT communication?? Maybe the sex is great. Maybe he makes a ton of money. Maybe his mom just LOVES you. But if he can't express his feelings (about you, money, family, life goals, stresses, work issues, emotional conflicts) then what kind of relationship do you really have? An imaginary one. If he doesn't TELL you what is inside of him, then you are CREATING what you would like to see inside of him. When he stays quiet, you are free to imagine whatever it is.
"He loves me sooo much, words can't describe."
"He's inwardly tortured. I shouldn't bother him to express himself."
"Words and feelings just aren't his thing."
This definitely falls under the category of "NEVER MARRY A MAN THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE" It never works. Either you will try to get him to express himself and he will resist, or he will stay this way forever and you will always be guessing about what he is feeling.
Doesn't sound like much fun to me.
Find a guy who will scream from the mountain tops how much he loves you. Find a guy who will talk with you all night about future plans. Find a guy who WANTs to share his insides with you. You deserve to have a wedding day and a marriage with no regrets.
