ARGville

Shyness
Let’s make a very important distinction. Being shy is not the same as being an introvert. Introverts are people who do not need to draw energy from others to have a good time. Do not confuse the two: being an introvert is fine; being shy is debilitating.

Shyness is a lack of trust on other people more than it is lack of self-confidence. Most shy people can be talkative when they are among their closest friends. That’s because they trusts them.

No one is born shy. Shyness is the result of some experience in your life that caused the lack of trust in other people. But no matter what caused the shyness, anyone can overcome shyness!

Do not feel the need to become the life of the party to succeed. There will always be someone funnier, smarter, or louder than you. That’s fine. What you’re after is not feeling debilitated among them.

Tomorrow is the day to change your life. Do something very small. For example: Let’s say there’s a schoolmate, a teacher, a school bus driver, a street cross guard, anyone really, that you have never said Hi to because of shyness. Tomorrow, walk up to them, and say Hi. They will reply. Then just walk away. Believe it or not, it may be that simple.

Below I have two very personal, and very true, stories about overcoming shyness.  I share them in hopes that they may encourage you to take that small step you need, because that may be the only step you need.

The case of “big Victor” and “little Victor”
When I was about 40 years old and going through a divorce, I saw a therapist. One of the first things we talked about was my shyness. See, I had a chronic shyness that had been part of my life as far back as I could remember.

The therapist explained that shyness is brought about by some event in one’s life that in essence makes us distrust people. She asked me to think as far back as I could to see if we could arrive at the starting point of my shyness. The furthest back I could remember was an event when I was about 9 years old. My parents had some friends whom I had never met before visit our house. To avoid meeting them, I hid under my bed, for what turned out to be a couple of hours.

The therapist said this was not the starting point of my shyness. That something scary must have happened before. But I couldn’t think of anything specific. She said it was OK, that we could work with that experience as a starting point.

She asked me to close my eyes and concentrate on that day, when I was 9 years old, hiding under the bed. I did. I could remember that mattress pattern and could even smell the wax my mother used on the floor. Then she said: “Now, I want you, “big Victor,” to sit on the floor next to “little Victor.” Talk to him. Tell him whatever he needs to hear to come out from under the bed and go to the living room and greet the guests. “See,” she said, “little Victor doesn’t trust other people but he trusts big Victor.”

Within moments I opened my eyes. I said, I’m OK. I know what to do. She asked me to explain. I said: all little Victor had to do was walk in the living room, wave his hand and say: “Hi” with a smile. If he did that, the people would greet him nicely. They would ask him some questions and then they’d carry on their conversation and I could leave. I know that now, but little Victor didn’t know this. And the thing is, as an adult meeting tons of people in my life, I know that people will simply be nice and polite, but I continued to live my life in “little Victor” mode anytime I met strangers. The therapist said I was right. “Most people are civil and want to be nice. You know that now but you never let it be the dominant frame; the scared little boy has been your frame of reference,” she said.

So she gave me an assignment. I had mentioned to her how there were these 3 ladies at work who always sat together for lunch, one of them I was very attracted to, and that I never talk to them. She told me to get there the next day, get my food, walk up to their table an say: “Do you mind if I join you?” Now, I have to admit, this was a scary proposition. But determined to take a small step to help myself, I was determined to give it a try. The next day, when I approached them and asked if I could sit down, they moved their trays to make more room for me and said, “of course.” And this moment changed my life! We become very good friends from that day on.

But something else happened that day (it was a Friday). I was supposed to go to a pool party with a friend. I didn’t know any of the people there but he did. At about 2 pm (after the lunch with the 3 ladies) my friend called to say he couldn’t make the party. So I said I’m not going either. But then I said to myself, why not? This is a great opportunity to push myself further. So I went. I didn’t know anyone there but I had a blast anyway!

So, in the space of 2 days, at age 40, my life totally changed. And while I’m never the life of the party and I continue to be an introvert, I am no longer debilitated or held back by shyness.

A couple years later, when I wasn’t even thinking about it, the reason for my shyness came to me. When I was about 5 or 6, I was very ill. I had very high fevers and hallucinations. The hallucinations always took the form of evil people coming to scare me. Everyone in my hallucinations would either scare me in the dark or mock everything I said. That set me on the course to mistrust people.

Thankfully, all those hallucinations and their memories are now dead, all thanks to one small step of asking 3 ladies if I could sit with them.

The case of the Chinese menu
This true story happened when my daughter was 13 years old.

Ever since Jennifer was in grammar school, she was terribly shy. In my ignorance, I yelled at her when she acted shy (you’d think I should know better, being shy myself – this was years before I saw the therapist in the story above – but no, I was making the same mistakes my parents made when I was a child). Clearly, that wasn’t helping.

One day the whole family went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. On the way in I asked Jennifer to order her food. In panic she said: “No, dad. I can’t. You order for me, please.” I asked what she feared. She said: “The waiter isn’t going to understand me and he’ll make fun of me.” So I said to her: “OK, let’s make a deal. When the waiter comes around asking for your order, just read from the menu what you want. If he doesn’t understand you, I’ll talk to him for you. You don’t have to worry about it, I promise.” She said OK.

When the waiter came around to her, Jennifer said what she wanted and the waiter wrote it down and moved on to the next person. She looked at me and gave me a smile. A little while later, she actually called the waiter over and asked for water. She had never done this before. Her life was forever chanced!

From that day on, Jennifer did a complete turn-around when dealing with people. Today Jennifer is very outgoing and very comfortable with herself in social gatherings or meeting new people.


Tiny Step
Just a tiny baby step may be all you need to bring out a huge change.

It is important for you to realize that you MUST put effort into changing; it’s not going to happen just by merely wishing it to. So the one small step I’m suggesting you take is something you really must put effort into doing. If you can’t do this much for yourself, you’re really saying you’re resigning yourself to the darkness of shyness.

One small, tiny step is all I’m saying you need to change your life. Say “hi” to someone you have never said “hi” to. Next time you see that person, take it another baby step forward and say: “Hi, how are you?” and so on.