he is unemployed and unmotivated
A.B., 23, in PA, USA: I’ve been in a relationship with my guy for 7 years (going on to 8 in November) and have weathered many ups and downs and I feel that I’m 100% emotionally invested in him…yet the only thing that keeps this from being a perfect romance is that he is unemployed and unmotivated (I’ve tried for 5 years to encourage him to work, no luck at all) to find a job. He has OCD, after factoring that in and trying every suggestion under the sun I feel like I’m hitting a brick wall. I’m full time working for a Doctors’ office with an Associates’ Degree, and I hear my biological clock starting to tick – I want the husband and 3 kids sometime before I turn 30. How can I gently get him moving without seeming like I’m being insensitive to his disorder while still taking charge of where I want to see MY life go? Help! :(
VictorM: Before I repay, can you write back and tell me, if he’s unemployed and I assume he’s around your age, how does he survive? Where does he live and how does he get any money for anything? And how old is he and how much school has he attended?
A.B. said:
Jul 05, 10 at 4:19 pmHe’s 25, High School graduate living with his parents, he does receive a small government check for the OCD along with medical coverage.
Paris said:
Jul 16, 10 at 10:44 pmAB, you’re here asking for Victor’s advice, not mine, but so many alarms are going off in my head for you. I know you say you’re 100% emotionally invested, but try to take a step back and see if this relationship is REALLY going to be beneficial to both of you. I say both because if he can’t (or won’t) provide what you need, then years down the line you are going to resent it and that resentment will crush him.
You’re both still young, so I’m not saying he can’t be motivated to make the changes needed so he can be the man you want (that is, the kind of man who can support a wife and three kids, even if she’s working). What I am saying is, he’s not that man right now and may never be if the OCD is strong enough.
It’s not being “insensitive to his disorder” to consider moving on if he is not, and cannot, be what you need (want). It *IS ACTUALLY* more gracious and loving to free him to find someone whose goals and dreams allow her to be 100% happy with the man he is right now. You are not 100% happy with who he IS. The “perfect romance” you mentioned is with who you hope he’ll become when he gets a job and gets into husband/father mode. Not with who he is.
In freeing him, you also free yourself to find someone whose goals are in line with what YOU want. Again, not saying your guy won’t become what you want… just asking you to look at it from another angle.
I hope I’m not out of line, and I hope this helps some.
Take care,
Paris
The Architect said:
Jul 20, 10 at 10:58 amLove is never been the essence of what you want; it is at its core giving yourself up for others. We always have the choice to leave a difficult situation, but in doing so, we also relinquish the rewards of coming out of it together. Love is there through poor health and good health, through poverty and wealth, and it exists at all times. However though, the catch is to surrender yourself to Love.
You said you wanted kids and a healthy husband (one which is capable of maintaining the dream life you want) before a certain age. My question is, why put a time limit on your plans? The universe doesn’t work on your schedule, it works on its own schedule and must surrender to it; otherwise you will always suffer the disappointments of discontinuous time schedules. The universe has great things stored for every individual all we have to do is love one another.
So my first advice would be to surrender your plans based on schedule. If it is kids and capable husband you want, you will have them when the time is right according to the cosmos.
Secondly:
Love is a duality and both parts of the same coin must go together as one; otherwise its just two coins going each their separate ways. Ask your significant other what he wants from life and if he can’t answer right away; let him know that he can take his time to think about it. Tell him that to be honest with himself; you may have to guide him through this process. Be his support but do not dictate his path.
Also let him know what you want; part of a relationship is letting each other know their “needs” and “wants”. Let him know how you feel about him and this current situation. Be honest with yourself and him. You probably feel like you are pulling all the weight and would like him to start pulling some weight in this relationship. Whatever it is you are feeling, let him know. This will be a huge weight off your chest.
Thirdly:
You have been together for almost 8 yrs now, both of you know each other very well and would be a shame to throw it all away just because he’s going through some tough issues. Everyone goes through tough times but those whom love us never desert us. Put yourself (try) in his shoes. Perhaps you may not know how OCD feel like but if you were stuck with a debilitating illness your whole life, you may start feelings sunk with no way out. Life may not be as happy as you thought.
So in this situation, be his light, be his guiding beacon, and be his source for living again! Let him know and show him that he is more than capable of producing a happy family and life despite the illness.