a selfish slacker
Linda, 26, in PA: Hi Victor,
What do you think about a guy who rarely keeps his word, and when he does it’s because he’s been constantly reminded/nagged and given no other choice? Basically when asked to do something whether it’s give the dog his meds/frontline or to go do something together fun and cheap/free he says “sure” but then when it comes to doing it he forgets or would rather go drink beer with his buds than follow through with what he said. If he does follow through he takes an extremely long time and it’s never on his own, it’s only after a period of intense nagging (like a car repair). I’ve been dating this guy for almost two years. And, I don’t want to be a nag…. I had given considerable thought to marriage and all but when he blows me off like this I don’t see any hope.
What would it take for him to be more proactive? or am I right for feeling like I am dating a selfish slacker and wasting my time?
VictorM: He’s a slacker. But why should he change? It’s not like he pays a price for it, after all, you’re still with him after 2 years. Not only that, but you even considered marrying the guy.
Now, don’t get offended with me, but if you’ve been dating a selfish slacker for 2 years and it bugs you, how much of a slacker, in terms of the relationship, does that make you? At least he slacks off on petty shit; what’s at stake for you is much more important.
I’m not suggestion that you should break up with him, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t. What I’m saying is place his slacking in the scheme of things that are important or not so important, revisit if all your nagging has actually accomplished anything or if you need a new strategy.
So he’s a slacker. Some guys aren’t funny. Some are not the life of the party. Some know nothing about mechanics. No one is perfect. Is his procrastination really so bad?
Take the example of the car repair. Was it his car? If so, why do you have to nag him about it — it’s his car! Let him fix it when he wants to. Was it your car? If so, take it to the mechanic and be done with it!
Edwin said:
Jul 03, 10 at 7:32 pmSounds like my roommate. The second I set a firm boundary, he said he was moving out. This, after nagging him to do his chores for months.
Lesson learned. Set clear and firm boundaries about what you want in the beginning. If they break those boundaries, make sure that there are consequences, and follow through on them.
Linda said:
Jul 05, 10 at 8:33 pmYes for awhile it was my car, he is my mechanic and I was his “daily driver”. Now my vehicle (a lifted Jeep) is in rough shape/worn out, 2WD and I drive a vehicle that was given to him. That’s great and all but the inspection sticker on this vehicle is bad so I might have to worry about getting pulled over or the registration getting revoked. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about that until it happens? Or maybe it’s the responsible part of me thinking “this is something we should take care of before the relaxing begins”.
But what gets on my nerves MOST is when he volunteers to do something and then fails. Why would he offer to do something I had already made plans for someone else to do (i.e. my father)? This happened this weekend. My dad was all set to do it. But he talked me into having him do it… Did he come through in completing the task at hand…..nope!
He’s even said “I need to stop talking out of my ass/not following through. That’s something I really wanna work on”. Anyone have any suggestions for a new strategy to help him stick to this resolution (I guess you would call it)? I don’t really know what kind of consequences I could use to enforce him….I feel like that would almost be manipulative.
VictorM said:
Jul 14, 10 at 9:44 pmOn one hand, he volunteers to do something and doesn’t do it. That’s not good. On the other hand, you know that, and yet you let him talk you out of having your dad do it. Don’t you think you have a flaw of your own?
It’s time you rely on him for nothing. NOTHING. Because you can’t change him, you can only control how it impacts you.