ARGville

leslie, 23, in los angeles: i recently slept with a guy friend. right before we were about to have sex for the first time he stopped me and told me he didn’t want to have sex with me because he wanted to be in a relationship and take things slow. we ended up having sex anyways that night, the next night and then like a week later. i called him 2 days ago and left him a message that i just wanted to see him and talk to him for a little bit and he has not responded in any way. he will at the very least text me back when i call, but this time not one word in 2 days. he is super busy with work but i think i may just be making excuses. basically after reading a dozen of the previous questions women have written you i felt like i connected the most with something you said to the effect of “guys dont want to be in a relationship with a girl who is sleeping with them casually” which is definitely what i am doing. bottom line i am confused. he brought up the word relationship the first night we were together, what am i supposed to think about that? like i said before this guy and i were friends first, and he is one of most decent men i have ever met. i really dont think he just said those things to me just to f- with my head. at this point i want to be in a relationship with him but i feel like the situation is already doomed because i am too avalible.
thanks!

VictorM: I don’t think he was fucking with your mind, he did tell you, bluntly that “he didn’t want to have sex with me because he wanted to be in a relationship and take things slow.” But that’s not what happened, is it? He was in essence, begging you to turn him down, to be the “respectable” girl he wanted to date. Instead, you became an instant “friends with benefits.” He’s turned off by that turn of events. Chances are that he lost a desirable girlfriend and consequently, you’ve lost a friend and a pretender.

Now, why didn’t he refuse to have sex with you? Because; 1) guys aren’t wired to turned down sex, after all, we’re not the ones shunned by society for having casual sex, and 2) it was one way to confirm that you’re not girlfriend material after all.

What now? Leave him alone. If he, in any way, defies what I said above and is willing to look at you in a positive light, he’ll have to do it on his own terms without a “talk” and without having to feel pressured by you to do so. Behave as if he’s not worthy of you, then he might actually come back after you.