I am lucky if I see him once a week
Lisa, 25, in New York: My boyfriend just told me two days ago that he wants to take a break. We have been together for 10 months. I am 25 and he is 23. This is his first and longest serious relationship. We have been together since Sept 2009. All throughout the winter and spring I would see him at least every other day. Then all of his friends graduated college and came home for good and now I am lucky if I see him once a week. And on the nights that he is with them he doesn’t even respond to my texts at all. I did ask him straightforwardly if there was someone else. He swore on his mother that he loves me and that there is no other girl. (I tend to believe that, because his mother has cancer). So on the nights that he does grace me with his presence I usually ask when I’ll see him next, and he is usually the kind of person that just goes with the flow. It’s very hard to nail down definite plans with him. He is now saying that all of this is making him feel trapped. And that he needs time to figure out if he wants a girlfriend. All the things I do have been perfectly fine since Sept. He could not see me enough. He was talking to me either through text/phone even when his friends were home for christmas or thanksgiving. And even then, I kind of backed off a bit to let him hang out with them. And now, I don’t give him a hard time about it, but I do tell him that I am honestly hurt. I feel like I’m a burden. Also, when he told me he wanted this break I obviously started crying. He did too. He almost threw up a few times. I don’t see why something that provokes such a violent reaction from him could be what he wants. I have a few questions now:
Could he be acting this way because it’ll be our one year mark in 2 months and he’s just plain freaking out?
Did he say we should take a break because he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings by saying break up?
I have been very good for two days, not bothering him at all. I want him to figure things out. But I feel like he really just wants a vacation from me. How long is too long for this break? I kind of have my mental limit at 2 weeks.
And finally, in your honest opinion, should I prepare myself for the ultimate break-up?
Thank you,
Lisa
VictorM: Answering your questions in order: No. Yes. One day. Yes.
Now, some details.
No, his break has nothing to do with the time you’ve been together; it has to do with him wanting to play the field, especially now that he has his buddies around.
Yes, he’s pretty much done with you but he knows it’ll break your heart so that makes it very difficult for him to tell you it’s over. Now, there could be something else to it being difficult for him, and that is that he really thinks you’re a cool girl, that you have a lot to offer, that if he could get some of the best of you without having to compromise his freedom he’d still keep you around. But as of now, you’re a roadblock to his need for freedom.
One day. Even that is a lot for a break. If there are problems between a couple, you work them out, you don’t go on a “vacation.” But as it is, according to you, you already only see him once a week, so what does he need a break for? From what?
Yes, get ready for the possibility of a break up because sooner or later this short break will turn into a break up, or will drag on with him evading you and you feeling miserable. It is very possible that he’ll do enough mischief to have you be the one breaking up with him because it would be easier for him to handle than him doing the deed.
I say all of these because this doesn’t seem like a case where stress between you two needs some room to simmer down. This is a life style change for him — fun with his buddies, going and coming as he pleases. It’s highly unlike that another girl is involved because it seems cleat that’s not what he’s after. At least not a steady girl.
Lisa said:
Jul 03, 10 at 9:47 pmHi Victor,
Slight little update, I mentioned that we work together. Well, I broke my code of silence and emailed him at work. This is precisely what I wrote: “I am trying very hard to give you time/space. I just need to know that break was not your term for break-up and that you do plan on speaking to me at some point about all this”
Not 30 seconds later I get this text from him:
“I do plan on speaking to you. Also, your hair looks pretty today.”
I said, “Thank you, I’m trying to feel good about myself. Wait, does break mean break-up?”
He said, “Not at all, a break is a break.”
I just said, “Alright.”
And that was the extent of the contact. Okay, now he’s a smart guy. He can’t possibly be dumb enough to tell me that my hair looks pretty if he really is breaking up with me, right? Much less even respond to me.
I’m not trying to argue with you, and I’m sorry if this is long. You mentioned going on “vacation”. I almost feel like that is what he wanted. It happened right before a 3 day weekend when I was trying to see what his plans were and if I would see him and all of a sudden he’s feeling trapped. I realize I was questioning him a lot and bombarding him with emotions, but it’s not like that’s never happened before. We have had some seriously deep emotional talks. Do you think because he doesn’t have experience with this type of relationship that he really is just being honest? I know, it’s a slim chance. Anyway, thank you for your honest answer. Of course, I am a girl so I’ll be hoping you’re wrong. =)
VictorM said:
Jul 03, 10 at 10:05 pmYou said: “I’m lucky if I see him once a week.” This for a couple living and working near each other, and after seeing each other for 10 months. And still he needs a break? Does that jive realistically with a relationship that will last? I mean, forget the break, you really think that’s a prescription for a relationship to succeed?
He said “you hair looks pretty today” and that strikes you a sign that he wouldn’t break with you? I think you’re reading too much into a passing compliment.
But anyway, I hope I’m wrong too. Let me know what happens.