He’s been very open expressing his feelings to me
Annette, 35, in Atlanta: I dated a guy four years ago for about a year but I had to break up with him due to our lifestyle differences. We both felt that the chemistry was always there and after dating other people for two years we ended up back together. Now it’s been over year and a half since we started relationship again, initially I hoped we’d became more understanding of each other and work on our differences and compromise if we want the relationship work for us this time. We have wonderful time every time we are together. He’s been very open expressing his feelings to me, phoning and texting every day that he loves and misses me, how happy he is with me and I’m everything he ever wanted – however our lifestyle differences are still there: he has government job, has to be on 24 hrs shifts every 3rd or 5th day and can’t move away from the city (not that he wants to even if he could). I’m divorced mom who lives in suburbs about 25 min away from him. He likes to be spontaneous and doesn’t like planning; usually he comes over one or two times a week (most of the time after 10 pm due to his workload or run/workout schedule etc. which bothers me) and every weekend we usually go out together. We’ve attended a few friends and family events together and I always feel he’s proud to be with me. He’s respectful and loving towards me however he doesn’t want to get married since he’s been divorced once and doesn’t believe in the system. When I talked about committed relationship without being married but having other responsibilities besides just being only two-night-a-week-fun-sharing-partners he said he’s happy as everything is and doesn’t want to change anything. He wants to finally move to his own place which he recently bought (he had lived with his mom due to bad investments earlier in his life) and that I can start coming over to his house when I feel like it. He likes to maintain his lifestyle and not going to change it, however in his words he’s committed to me already, views me as life-time partner and would like us to maintain the relationship as we have been. I feel like I’m hitting the ceiling here with no way to progress any further. I love him and have been patient trying to come up with the creative ways to work out the living arrangements or personal schedule, thinking if he loves me enough and is afraid to lose me again he would at least makes more attempts to spend more time with me and have more stability in life. However it seems to be only my wish and I believe in his mind ‘commitment’ means having one partner to have fun together with occasional sharing of other responsibilities when he has time and desire to. I know that on and off relationship hardly ever work in the end and I should leave him rather sooner without possibility of getting back together again but I can’t understand why being “the most wonderful woman” and his “love to death” is not enough to make some compromises possible on his side? I thought a man could change if he truly loves a woman and nothing else would matter to him as much if he wants to be with her but I guess after all he’s just not that much into me, right?
VictorM: There are many ways to bounce this ball back into your court:
– If you love him and don’t want to lose him, why don’t you just accept him the way he is, enjoy your time together by making it quality time, and rejoice in the knowledge that you’re keeping the man you love happy?
– So let me get this straight: you love this guy so much that you believe he should give up the things that make him happy so he can make you happy, right?
– You have been reading too many silly romance novels and corny songs if you believe that for a man to love you he has to feel like nothing else matters. Come on, Annette, we’re not 14 years old anymore.
Look, the idea of suffocating your partner’s life as an indication that you love each other is one that only very obsessive men believe; most of us prefer a life that has balance between a woman we love, our work, our friends, our hobbies, and time for ourselves. He loves you and enjoys your company, in a way that his balanced for him. Putting all your happiness eggs in one basket is something that women often do (much to your chagrin later in life) but that most guys are wise enough to avoid.
There’s nothing wrong with you wanting more time together with your lover, and there’s nothing wrong with him being satisfied with the current arrangement. All it means is you’re back to square one and to the original reason you broke up. Sometimes, feelings of love notwithstanding, we need to realize that a partner that satisfies many of our needs but not the most important ones simply is just not a good match for us. You’re banging your head against the same exact wall hoping that this time it won’t make you bleed. The results aren’t likely to be pretty.