Saturday, February 06, 2010
I met this guy and we started hooking up
By: ellie
Question: Victor,
I know I told you I would not write to you anymore but I need your advice about something that is tearing me apart. Please please answer this question, even if its just a short answer.
Basically, I told you earlier that I met this guy and we started hooking up. My best friend and I were staying at his house for a while because we had no apartment at the time. After a few weeks he stopped hooking up with me and he started being really mean to me, rude and humiliating me in front of people.
At this point, one day I broke down crying and he apologized and stopped being rude to me and just became really cold. He also started being very cozy with my best friend.
We have all been living together for a couple of months now. Anyway, my best friend told me a couple of days ago that they have been hooking up since me and him stopped hooking up and in fact, the first night we all met she had hooked up with him. I didn't hook up with him until a while after that. I had no idea or I never would have hooked up with him after that. Anyway I told her it was ok even though I feel very hurt, both because she knew I cared about him and also because he was so mean to me for a while and she hooked up with him anyway.
After that I spoke to him and I asked him if I was really that awful and he said I shouldn't feel bad and that him and my friend are hooking up and definitely not dating. Then that day she left for the day and he started kissing me and I hooked up with him even though I felt terrible. Then today she came back and they are hanging out without me again.
Why would he do that? Why would he hook up with her one time, then hook up with me for a few weeks, and then go back to her, and then hook up with me one last time? And is it wront to feel upset and hurt, especially at her? I feel so bad and worse we all live together so we are all together all the time. I can't even look at her right now because she is supposed to be my best friend.
Please tell me what's going on. This is breaking my heart.
VictorM's advice:
Because for a guy, hooking up has nothing to do with the heart. You and your friend are females, breathing, and not his mother -- that's good enough to have fun with. And that's all he's doing.
Question: Victor,
I know I told you I would not write to you anymore but I need your advice about something that is tearing me apart. Please please answer this question, even if its just a short answer.
Basically, I told you earlier that I met this guy and we started hooking up. My best friend and I were staying at his house for a while because we had no apartment at the time. After a few weeks he stopped hooking up with me and he started being really mean to me, rude and humiliating me in front of people.
At this point, one day I broke down crying and he apologized and stopped being rude to me and just became really cold. He also started being very cozy with my best friend.
We have all been living together for a couple of months now. Anyway, my best friend told me a couple of days ago that they have been hooking up since me and him stopped hooking up and in fact, the first night we all met she had hooked up with him. I didn't hook up with him until a while after that. I had no idea or I never would have hooked up with him after that. Anyway I told her it was ok even though I feel very hurt, both because she knew I cared about him and also because he was so mean to me for a while and she hooked up with him anyway.
After that I spoke to him and I asked him if I was really that awful and he said I shouldn't feel bad and that him and my friend are hooking up and definitely not dating. Then that day she left for the day and he started kissing me and I hooked up with him even though I felt terrible. Then today she came back and they are hanging out without me again.
Why would he do that? Why would he hook up with her one time, then hook up with me for a few weeks, and then go back to her, and then hook up with me one last time? And is it wront to feel upset and hurt, especially at her? I feel so bad and worse we all live together so we are all together all the time. I can't even look at her right now because she is supposed to be my best friend.
Please tell me what's going on. This is breaking my heart.
VictorM's advice:
Because for a guy, hooking up has nothing to do with the heart. You and your friend are females, breathing, and not his mother -- that's good enough to have fun with. And that's all he's doing.
Comments:
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Why would he do that? BECAUSE YOU LET HIM. it's obvious you're looking for someone to give you some kindness and love. Having sex with this guy ain't gonna get it for you. He will take whatever you give. He doesn't care about you as a person -- only as a toy to get himself off. Cold, but true.
# posted by 
: 2:08 AM
: 2:08 AM
But I guess I was curious why he is going back and forth between us? Why hook up with her then me then her then me again and now her.
Also he was chasing me for a while and following me around in the beginning. He never chased her...in fact the exact opposite. She chases him so much its embarrassing..like follows him from room to room and always does things for him. He will talk to her and joke with her but he isn't really openly affectionate with her like he was with me. He used to sit with his arm around me and stuff like that but he doesn't do it with her.
Also if its just about hooking up, to be honest I am much better looking than her although she is not bad looking. And hooking up is mostly about looks isn't it? In terms of personality we are pretty similar...we are best friends for a long time.
I guess I just don't understand his mentality. Why does he hook up with her now even though he isn't that into her at all?
Also he was chasing me for a while and following me around in the beginning. He never chased her...in fact the exact opposite. She chases him so much its embarrassing..like follows him from room to room and always does things for him. He will talk to her and joke with her but he isn't really openly affectionate with her like he was with me. He used to sit with his arm around me and stuff like that but he doesn't do it with her.
Also if its just about hooking up, to be honest I am much better looking than her although she is not bad looking. And hooking up is mostly about looks isn't it? In terms of personality we are pretty similar...we are best friends for a long time.
I guess I just don't understand his mentality. Why does he hook up with her now even though he isn't that into her at all?
# posted by : 6:48 PM
: 6:48 PM
I'm going to try to address all of the issues I see with your post in a way that you might actually see what you're doing so you can (a) stop it, or (b) get help for it.
1. Why is he hooking up with both of you, alternating between the two of you? Because you are an ego boost, a toy, and a very easy opportunity for sex. You both give him what he wants, attention, sex, and you probably make him feel like a god the way you two drool and fight over him. If you had any self-respect, you would have never slept with him after you already knew he slept with your friend.
2. You point out differences in how he treats you and her like it matters. Is this a competition for you? Do you just want to win at all costs, even if it means you're allowing someone to use you time and time again? The fact that he "put his arm around you" or used to "follow you around", doens't mean anything. He is using different techniques to bag the both of you....AND IT WORKED!
3. Even if you are better looking, hooking up is not all aobut looks. As a matter of fact, it is all about finding an easy lay who is a sure thing! That's you two. Guys don't care about looks as much as we think they do. They just want SEX, however they can get it. You keep giving it to him no matter how shitty he treats you. It's like a dog that people keep abusing and it keeps coming back because it knows that it will get fed.
4. Don't think so highly of yourself and don't put down your friend so quickly. You are your best friend because you decided to hook up with him after she did. You two are peas in a pod.
5. He doesn't have to be that into her; it's free sex. Both of you give him guilt-free, easy sex.
So, as long as you keep disrespecting yourself, he'll keep taking what both of you so freely give. Both of you have absolutely no self-respect and will continue to disrespect yourselves and each other for the small bit of attention this guy gives you. You should do yourself a favor and get some therapy because this pattern isn't one that you can break easily. He isn't going to wake up one day and think, "wow, she's amazing, I should stop having sex with other girls". WAke up!
1. Why is he hooking up with both of you, alternating between the two of you? Because you are an ego boost, a toy, and a very easy opportunity for sex. You both give him what he wants, attention, sex, and you probably make him feel like a god the way you two drool and fight over him. If you had any self-respect, you would have never slept with him after you already knew he slept with your friend.
2. You point out differences in how he treats you and her like it matters. Is this a competition for you? Do you just want to win at all costs, even if it means you're allowing someone to use you time and time again? The fact that he "put his arm around you" or used to "follow you around", doens't mean anything. He is using different techniques to bag the both of you....AND IT WORKED!
3. Even if you are better looking, hooking up is not all aobut looks. As a matter of fact, it is all about finding an easy lay who is a sure thing! That's you two. Guys don't care about looks as much as we think they do. They just want SEX, however they can get it. You keep giving it to him no matter how shitty he treats you. It's like a dog that people keep abusing and it keeps coming back because it knows that it will get fed.
4. Don't think so highly of yourself and don't put down your friend so quickly. You are your best friend because you decided to hook up with him after she did. You two are peas in a pod.
5. He doesn't have to be that into her; it's free sex. Both of you give him guilt-free, easy sex.
So, as long as you keep disrespecting yourself, he'll keep taking what both of you so freely give. Both of you have absolutely no self-respect and will continue to disrespect yourselves and each other for the small bit of attention this guy gives you. You should do yourself a favor and get some therapy because this pattern isn't one that you can break easily. He isn't going to wake up one day and think, "wow, she's amazing, I should stop having sex with other girls". WAke up!
Sophia has it" you're a sex toy. And so is your friend. The more the merrier. I'm just surprised he hasn't tried to get both of you at the same time.
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