Submitted on Tuesday, June 16, 2009
By: Rebecca
Age: 22
Location: South Africa
Question: Dear Victor,
I have a new situation I’d like to pick your brain about! My apologies, but this requires a bit of history, so I’m sorry if it’s a bit long!

I met a guy almost exactly a year ago; we were involved in the same charity organisation and we first met when we were assigned to a three hour shift at a volunteer sign-up stall together. We got along really well and talked non-stop the whole time, it didn’t feel like our first meeting at all. He told me he recognised me from campus and had noticed me around a lot. I thought he was really cute, and such a nice guy, but unfortunately he had a girlfriend. Since then we have only seen each other a handful of times, but each time we’ve talked as if we were good friends and we have always had such great rapport, it felt like we could have been good friends, but I didn’t pursue it because I was attracted to him and didn’t want to like him more because he was clearly in a stable relationship. I have never been sure if he felt that we had chemistry too, because I never flirted with him or indicated interest in him in that way because of his girlfriend.

I last saw him when I was out about 6 months ago; he had just broken up with girlfriend, for a number of reasons, but also because he was moving across the country to take a job. We hung out together most of the night, but his ex-girlfriend was at the same party and it was clearly still quite raw, so I didn’t try to put the moves on him!

So he moved away, and a couple of months ago he sent me a message on facebook saying it had been a long time since he had seen me, and asked how everything was going with me. Then on Friday night I was at a nightclub with my friends when I saw him literally across a crowded room, and he saw me at the same time too, and we like, ran towards each other to say hello, we were so happy to see each other! He was down here for the long weekend. After a few minutes of talking to him, I decided to take some of the advice you are always trying to give me and the other girls on this site, and I excused myself to go find my friends. He grabbed my hand and told me he would come and dance with us later. He did find me later, and we danced for a while, he kept putting his arm around me and taking my hand. I could tell something had definitely changed in the way we were relating to each other, but we were still talking a mile a minute like we always have before. He told me he will probably be coming back to my city again soon. Later that night he kissed me, and once again, I took your advice and before this went on too long I told him I needed to take my friend home, and that I was leaving (Aren’t you PROUD???). He hugged me and kissed me goodbye and said “keep in touch”.

We have never exchanged numbers, so I figured this was just a once-off, especially as he lives on the other side of the country, so wrote it off as a nice evening where I had the pleasure of discovering someone I think is attractive obviously feels the same way! But he sent me a message on facebook on Sunday night saying “It was so awesome/unexpected running into you on Friday! I've always thought that you were a great girl. Hopefully we'll run into each other again.”

He then said that spending time here this weekend has made him realise how much he misses it, and that he will definitely be back to visit again soon. Sooo, my question is this – given what I’ve told you about our history and what he said in the message, what do you think is in his mind about what happened? Does this look at all promising? I’m not saying I’m pinning my hopes on this guy, I’m definitely going to keep my options open whatever happens, but because we have always been so friendly and fond of each other, and I have always got such a good feeling about him, the idea of getting to know him better with the possibility of seeing how things go (I’m almost certain he is moving back here at the end of the year) is very appealing. Does it look like he’s laying the groundwork for something like that, or am I giving him far too much credit? How do you think I should handle this? Please bear in mind, I know you say most guys are the same in the way they deal with girls, but it is worth mentioning that this guy is definitely not a player, I know that he is a thoroughly decent human being (even if he is a guy :) )

Thank you, Victor, and sorry about the dissertation! :)

VictorM's advice:

I would say it looks promising in the sense that he's shown interest in you and is doing enough to stay in touch with you without being overbearing. Smart guy.

I also think you did very well -- yes, I'm proud of you -- because you showed interest without appearing eager.

I know lots of females would say that if he was really into you he would be more forceful, but as I say all the time, guys don't fall for girls as quickly as girls fall for guys (once you're past the lust part). If you had acted indifferent he probably would be turned off, and if you had acted too eager you'd make things too easy and also send a signal of being needy and clingy.

Others will say you're playing a game. I say that's nonsense. What you have done is show that you understand the male psyche and are acting on that knowledge. That's not playing a game; that's being smart.

Stay friendly but not eager. This is not a trap; it's just a good course of action to give him, and yourself, enough time to get to know each other without pressure. And to know you is to love you, right? :)