Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Everything was going great until...
Submitted on Monday, February 02, 2009
By: eirn
Age: 38
Location: ireland
Question: hi victor,
really enjoy the site, keep up the good work.
Ok my problem is, I've been going out with this guy who use to be my ex for around 3 months now altho we live about an hour away we try to see each other every Sunday. Everything was going great until last Sunday night, we sat in with a bottle of wine watching a dvd and having a great laugh and then around midnight i went to the bathroom came back and everything seemed to change, he became very distant didn't say much to me, when it came time for bed he gave me a kiss on the cheek and turned his back on me, which really hurt as it took a lot for me to sleep with him.. so i asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said if i wanted to, so i left.. the next day i was at my uncle's funeral and i received a txt from him saying that he was so sorry for last night.. i replied saying that he made it so obvious that he didn't want me there so i wasn't going to stay where i'm not wanted and i didn't know what i had done wrong.. and he replied saying that i had done nothing wrong but he didn't want to date anybody.. i couldn't believe it, for the last few months he was telling me how glad he was that we had got back in touch again and that his only regret was breaking up with me, and on Sunday before we met he txt saying that he couldn't wait to see me.. i can't figure him out.. i didn't reply to his txt when he said that he didn't want to date anyone.. should i have answered him? i know he's under pressure with his kids, work, money etc. but that's no excuse to treat me like that when i have done nothing wrong.. the only thing that i think happened is that my cousin's bf txt me joking about getting my bf to take me to bed for a good shag (it's a running joke between my cousin and me) don't know why her bf txt me, anyway when i came back from the bathroom i noticed the txt from my cousin's bf and my phone wasn't where i left it, it was upside down.. i know my bf didn't read the txt but he could see who it was from and a little of what was in the txt, i told him who sent the message and who he was and he seemed ok with that, well i thought he was.. i know his ex wife cheated on him and a girl he dated for a few yrs cheated also, but im not like that, i wouldn't do that on him i love him too much always have since we first dated 20yrs ago. plz victor help, what should i do, i don't want to give up but i don't want to run after someone who doesn't want me either.
i sent a txt to him by mistake yesterday it was meant for my cousin, i txt him to say i was sorry but it was meant for someone else and he replied 'don't be sorry. its ok.'
thanks victor, your a gent ;))
VictorM's advice:
Given the history, it seems pretty obvious that the text message that he saw -- and I would be shocked if he didn't take a look at it -- was enough to provoke the reaction you experienced from him. Something like that can trigger a change in mood, as quickly as a light switch turns off a light.
Your explanation of who sent the message made no difference because once the thoughts of all previous pain flooded his mind, he was no longer receptive to any new information. Basically, he was already disconnected from you and anything dealing with you.
What to do? Reply to his text messages. Seek to go out with him. Try to revive the interaction between you two. It's possible that he'll realize that the one text message triggered a reaction that had to do with his past and those other women, not with you and the future. These sort of triggers, whether they come from you or others, are likely to happen in the future. This one time you happened to be the one directly involved, but at other times, you may be indirectly involved.
If he gets over this incident quickly, then this was just a blip in the relationship and you two could recover nicely; however, if he stays stubborn about it, you may be wise to stay away because he's spoiled goods and is likely to make the life of any future female companion a living hell of suspicions and accusations.
By: eirn
Age: 38
Location: ireland
Question: hi victor,
really enjoy the site, keep up the good work.
Ok my problem is, I've been going out with this guy who use to be my ex for around 3 months now altho we live about an hour away we try to see each other every Sunday. Everything was going great until last Sunday night, we sat in with a bottle of wine watching a dvd and having a great laugh and then around midnight i went to the bathroom came back and everything seemed to change, he became very distant didn't say much to me, when it came time for bed he gave me a kiss on the cheek and turned his back on me, which really hurt as it took a lot for me to sleep with him.. so i asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said if i wanted to, so i left.. the next day i was at my uncle's funeral and i received a txt from him saying that he was so sorry for last night.. i replied saying that he made it so obvious that he didn't want me there so i wasn't going to stay where i'm not wanted and i didn't know what i had done wrong.. and he replied saying that i had done nothing wrong but he didn't want to date anybody.. i couldn't believe it, for the last few months he was telling me how glad he was that we had got back in touch again and that his only regret was breaking up with me, and on Sunday before we met he txt saying that he couldn't wait to see me.. i can't figure him out.. i didn't reply to his txt when he said that he didn't want to date anyone.. should i have answered him? i know he's under pressure with his kids, work, money etc. but that's no excuse to treat me like that when i have done nothing wrong.. the only thing that i think happened is that my cousin's bf txt me joking about getting my bf to take me to bed for a good shag (it's a running joke between my cousin and me) don't know why her bf txt me, anyway when i came back from the bathroom i noticed the txt from my cousin's bf and my phone wasn't where i left it, it was upside down.. i know my bf didn't read the txt but he could see who it was from and a little of what was in the txt, i told him who sent the message and who he was and he seemed ok with that, well i thought he was.. i know his ex wife cheated on him and a girl he dated for a few yrs cheated also, but im not like that, i wouldn't do that on him i love him too much always have since we first dated 20yrs ago. plz victor help, what should i do, i don't want to give up but i don't want to run after someone who doesn't want me either.
i sent a txt to him by mistake yesterday it was meant for my cousin, i txt him to say i was sorry but it was meant for someone else and he replied 'don't be sorry. its ok.'
thanks victor, your a gent ;))
VictorM's advice:
Given the history, it seems pretty obvious that the text message that he saw -- and I would be shocked if he didn't take a look at it -- was enough to provoke the reaction you experienced from him. Something like that can trigger a change in mood, as quickly as a light switch turns off a light.
Your explanation of who sent the message made no difference because once the thoughts of all previous pain flooded his mind, he was no longer receptive to any new information. Basically, he was already disconnected from you and anything dealing with you.
What to do? Reply to his text messages. Seek to go out with him. Try to revive the interaction between you two. It's possible that he'll realize that the one text message triggered a reaction that had to do with his past and those other women, not with you and the future. These sort of triggers, whether they come from you or others, are likely to happen in the future. This one time you happened to be the one directly involved, but at other times, you may be indirectly involved.
If he gets over this incident quickly, then this was just a blip in the relationship and you two could recover nicely; however, if he stays stubborn about it, you may be wise to stay away because he's spoiled goods and is likely to make the life of any future female companion a living hell of suspicions and accusations.
Comments:
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Hey victor thanks for your advice. I will do as you suggest and txt him altho im not sure what to say to him.. any suggestions..
Thanks again
Eirn
Thanks again
Eirn
# posted by 
: 1:57 PM
: 1:57 PM
I wold suggest that you don't bring up that text message incident unless he's the one who brings it up.
Since he said he wasn't interested in dating for now (he may still feel that way, he may not) you want to resume the fun part of going out with him. So invite him to dinner to his favorite restaurant, or to a movie you think he might like to see... just something fun that will allow you to resume relating to each other in a positive note.
Don't get serious about things too soon unless it comes from him. Eventually, the relationship will have to evolve, but for now, recognize that painful experiences, such as the one he went through, take time to go away.
Since he said he wasn't interested in dating for now (he may still feel that way, he may not) you want to resume the fun part of going out with him. So invite him to dinner to his favorite restaurant, or to a movie you think he might like to see... just something fun that will allow you to resume relating to each other in a positive note.
Don't get serious about things too soon unless it comes from him. Eventually, the relationship will have to evolve, but for now, recognize that painful experiences, such as the one he went through, take time to go away.
hi victor, well i text him last week and asked him if he would like to go to a concert with me but as yet no reply, i guess i should cut my losses altho im finding it really hard to understand his reaction when i have done nothing wrong...
do you think i should write him a letter and explain or just f**k it and move on, it's his loss.
keep up the great work ;)
do you think i should write him a letter and explain or just f**k it and move on, it's his loss.
keep up the great work ;)
# posted by : 1:37 PM
: 1:37 PM
Don't write any letter. It won't help. Why put so much effort into a guy who's turning out to be an immature twit?
Face it: guys aren't what you'd like them to be; they are what they are. And this guys is a twit.
Move on, Erin!
Face it: guys aren't what you'd like them to be; they are what they are. And this guys is a twit.
Move on, Erin!
Follow-up from Eirn:
Hi Victor, update..
he text me the other day saying how sorry he was but his phone had broken and had to be sent back to get fixed. he been really nice and was sorry for the way he treated me.. so im looking a bit of advice from you please.. he text me last night and here is what he said
"the truth is i'm fallen for you and dont want to hurt you or get hurt. i cant give up my life (we live an hr apart) and you cant give up yours which i would never ask you to do. its not the fact of where we live its my kids and that you care for your mother".
he also said that he feels guilty that im the one who has to do the traveling as he works as a chef and has really long hrs with not much time off only a one or two days a wk if he's lucky, we spend time together on a sunday.
so the advice i need is, is he trying to let me down gently or what.. he's still txting me telling me he'd take me to get my tattoo done.. please help victor, im in need of your great advice.. thanks
Hi Victor, update..
he text me the other day saying how sorry he was but his phone had broken and had to be sent back to get fixed. he been really nice and was sorry for the way he treated me.. so im looking a bit of advice from you please.. he text me last night and here is what he said
"the truth is i'm fallen for you and dont want to hurt you or get hurt. i cant give up my life (we live an hr apart) and you cant give up yours which i would never ask you to do. its not the fact of where we live its my kids and that you care for your mother".
he also said that he feels guilty that im the one who has to do the traveling as he works as a chef and has really long hrs with not much time off only a one or two days a wk if he's lucky, we spend time together on a sunday.
so the advice i need is, is he trying to let me down gently or what.. he's still txting me telling me he'd take me to get my tattoo done.. please help victor, im in need of your great advice.. thanks
Is your name Eirn or Erin?
Anyway... that sounds like a "the dog ate my homework" excuse. But his reasons for his guilt sound legitimate (if true).
I'd say the guy is still looking for excuses not to see you instead of ways to see you. I'd say he's letting you down gently.
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Anyway... that sounds like a "the dog ate my homework" excuse. But his reasons for his guilt sound legitimate (if true).
I'd say the guy is still looking for excuses not to see you instead of ways to see you. I'd say he's letting you down gently.
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