Submitted on Sunday, February 22, 2009
By: Pauline
Age: 44
Location: UK
Question: Hello,
I hope you can help me sort out this confusion out about the ending of my relationship.
I had been seeing a man for 19 months. We were seeing each other almost every evening and most days during holidays and weekends. That was his choice, as he has done all the calling round to be with me at my house as soon as I have got home from work.

Sometimes I found it a bit too much him coming to my house all the time and so I asked to have a few nights on my own now and then, that way, I could at least have chance to do a few things for me. I like my own company and its nice to have a bit of space of my own but I have always texted him or let him know in advance, when I wanted to have a bit of time for myself.

We have said we loved each other many times and we were on the whole very happy together apart from on the three occasions when he disappeared from my life without explanation. On the first two occasions he stayed away from me for over a week without prior warning and I couldnt get in touch with him nor did he contact me, but he came back again still not talking to me about what or where he had been. (he's not intelligent enough to be a spy).

I stayed calm and I concluded in my mind that basically he was just wanting his own space too. However, the way he did it, left me in the dark as he just avoided answering his phone and I had no idea when or if he would come back to me during these times. This left me worried about him but I didn't let him know this, as I think men like to be independent.

Anyway I had hoped one day we would start to make plans for something more permanent between us rather than wasting time in two separate houses. I thought that this would be great but I have had to finish the relationship this valentines weekend because two weeks earlier, he did the same thing again,(3rd time)leaving me without prior warning and didnt show up for 6 days. That day I told him I had enough of this part of his behaviour and said that in all decency's sake that he should at least tell me that he is not going to be around for a while so that I am not left wondering what is happening.

I said we will have to finish as I cannot stand the feeling of what is going on with him when he disappears like that. He didn't like this one bit and turned on his heels and walked out of the house. Leaving me really mixed up and I cried, wondering if I should have said nothing and just put up with it. But as I didn't hear from him until the following Tuesday, I said we should sit down and talk this over once and for all.

He agreed with me but left early saying that he would phone me when he wakes up the next morning. He didn't phone me. So I knew that he didn't want to discuss it and so I packed as much of his clothes and things from my house that I could find and drove to his house and as he wasn't there I left a note saying that I wanted to thank him for loving me and for the lovely times we have had but I don't want to continue the relationship.

Then I get a phone call from him saying that he got the note and that he was shocked and could he come round and talk it through with me. So I agreed that we should. We talked about it and he said he realised that its not fair on me to be unsure about what his plans are and at this point I started to think everything was going to be OK but then suddenly after this discussion, he said he had to go. He left me and didn't phone me the next day (valentines day). I never heard from him all day nor the next day and I tried to contact him but he didn't pick up the phone. Then on Monday morning when I was going to work, my mobile started ringing and he said to me, its about time I was moving on from the relationship. So he was basically cutting me loose there and then.

I still love him and I know we have so much potential as a couple. It is just this one simple thing that could easily be sorted out but he is hell bent on refusing to give me peace of mind when he takes time out from being with me. My heart is really aching right now. I would so love this to work for us and I feel in every other part of our togetherness we could be a great couple. I don't know whether I have blown it for good but I do not want to go back to that strange situation of his long disappearances. I am no oil painting and have had very few relationships, thats why I was loathe to give up with him when he hurt me and thats why I didn't nag him and I just put up with it the other times, but I cant pretend that I am OK with it anymore.

Later in this last week he phoned me up to ask how I am feeling and started suggesting that he comes round to the house to do some gardening for me while Im at work. I said that there was no need to do this for me and he insisted and said its because 'I WANT to do this for you'

I don't get it. Why is he asking this now after agreeing that I should move on?
Is he trying to stay friends with me by doing me a favour? Does he want to do this to stop him from feeling guilty about the way things were going or is he trying to win me back but doesnt want to lose face about the break up?
Any opinion would be great, I cant see what his motives are now. I'm half hoping he will want me back but the other half is saying don't allow it.

VictorM's advice:

He's offering to help around the garden, and will be nice to you, out of guilt. This is his way to feel better about himself because he knows you're hurting. It could also be because he's had a routine for so many months and can't handle breaking from it cold turkey. So he'll maintain some contact for now, but that contact will decrease.

But Pauline, the relationship has no potential because he's not into you as you are into him. You have been so invested in making it work that you're overlooking that his feelings about it all don't match yours. His disappearing acts can't be brushed aside as just him being irresponsible, which he is -- there's a reason he runs away.

Saying this relationship has potential if not for that one issue is like me saying I could be a great opera singer if only I could sing.