Submitted on Wednesday, January 28, 2009
By: Lisa
Age: 25
Location: Buffalo
Question: I met X while on vacation.He is significantly older than me. X's brother was there also.One night after partying and lots of drinks X's brother and I made out, Xbro wanted to go back to room but I declined.I had gone through rough summer with a guy I had been dating/didn't work out with and only reason i made out with Xbro was that I wanted attention from a man as I was feeling rejected, not because I liked him that much.In fact from day one of meeting X and Xbro I was far more attracted to X though he showed only moderate signs of interest in me.

So I came back from vacation having both their numbers (bc we all xchanged) and made it a point to avoid contact with Xbro though he tried to get in touch. X however kept contacting me via msn msgs and phone. This continued for 2 years with X being the initiator all the time and me being continuously surprised at why he was still msging me after all this time, esp since we hadn't physically seen each other in the country since the trip/had not many mutual friends.I was busy those two years with my new serious boyfriend.

Finally X invited me out to a party and I couldn't make it so I invited him to come out to a club next weekend. We made out that first night we saw each other and continued to see each other for a few months and eventually got intimate.

The problem is throughout my time knowing him I've known he had been in serious relationship which he had wanted to end in marriage for long time which he broke off due to problems. Said he wanted to be single/said he had commitment issues. He didn't lie to me or pretend otherwise to get me in bed yet I claimed to be able to handle the situation with the no strings and went with it (it was a combo of me genuinely liking him and being on a rebound after my serious bf had just broken up with me).

The entire 4 months we were "together" we both knew he refused to call it a relationship. I knew this, we had numerous talks about it where he swore it wasn't me it was him though he said he knew that was so cliche, and I convinced him and myself that I understood all this and could handle it because I wasn't so sure about being with him long term either. Though longer we were together I got more attached.

Finally we got in fight where i accused him of making excuses not to see me, this was prior to him going away on trip. After he came back from trip he called me right away and kept calling over next 10 months but he hasn't agreed to see me since. He says if we meet up we will have sex every time and even though he has said there is no commitment in a sense there would be a commitment bc he’s a nice guy and would feel obligated to do certain things for me/treat me a certain way if we were sleeping together.that and he’s very busy with his insane job and has no time to commit to anyone.

I feel horrible that I blew it with him by getting "needy" and i wonder if we ever really had a chance at relationship despite all things he told me, because our last fight before he stopped seeing me he said "did you ever think if you had let things be and not pushed we would have been just fine?" I can't get that one line out of my head all this time since.

He is a good friend to me and I am on verge of being in love with him, if he were to open up to me more emotionally and decide tomorrow he wanted a relationship with me I'd prob say yes despite the past.

We had huge fight the other day on msn and i accused him of not caring and thinking of me as just some girl he slept with. he said he has no intention of anything but to remain my friend and I should know by now where he stands. He refuses to meet up for just sex tho I have “jokingly” suggested it. Really I just want to see him and miss him.

So do I just forget about this guy? He suggested putting distance between us for now. Does he really just want friends or can i make him want me again if I play my cards right? Also, he says it doesn't bother him what happened between me and his brother on trip and that nothing much happened anyway so it shouldn't bother me either and he doesn't think less of me for it.

Is he lying to spare my feelings? Did this ruin my chances of him taking me seriously in the wife material category? not that i think he wants a wife or for it to be me esp now but is there a chance do you think given what he has said and done?

VictorM's advice:

There must be a defective chromosome of people who think they can make things better by starting huge fights with the people whose attention they crave. Really, does anyone think that's effective?

Anyway, it doesn't really matter in this case. You never had this guy. Never. You were a challenge. He liked you to some extent. But listen to me carefully: the moment a guy says he has "commitment issues" he's really saying: "I have commitment issues WITH YOU!"

Your fight before he went away was god sent. It allowed him to do what he wanted to do without guilt -- get away from you.

Move on. This guys has no romantic interest in you and never had it. He has no need or desire for your friendship. You're only wasting your time and energy on something that was never in the cards.