Submitted on Wednesday, January 28, 2009
By: Aly
Age: 33
Location: New York City
Question: Hi! Ok, really need help on this one...I'm tired of reading about what men really mean when they say they're not ready for a serious relationship, and so on. Since all situations differ, I want to try this...

I met a guy about a month ago. We saw each other once, but communicated through calls/email/text, for a whole week before we went out on a "real date." We did, it was great! After that, he called me every day--spoke for hours. He would email me as soon as I'd email him. He'd send me Text messages just to tell me he couldn't wait to see me again, etc...We saw each other the next weekend. We spent the entire weekend together (we did not sleep together, because we agreed that we were both so into eachother we did not want to make it about sex and mess things up, by jumping into bed.)

He got sick that whole week afterward, but we kept in constant communication. He'd say such things as "baby, I can't wait to see you...this is going so well...I'm looking forward to all the things we'll do together," (blah, blah, blah.) I was so happy I could not believe my luck! The 3rd weekend, we met up with his friends. I met all his friends, he did not let go of me the whole time--just showered me with attention. That weekend we spent the whole time together (still no sex, although it was obvious we both really wanted to...but he had been sick all that week, so--once again--we put it on hold...) That next week, everything seemd to go on as smoothly. The 4th weekend, we also spent it together (still no sex by Sat. night, but we knew that was it; it was gonna happen!)

We were walking about the city that Saturday, and he stops and looks at me--while holding my hand--and says to me he loved to be with me because we laughed so much together. That whole day and evening was lovely, we got along just great.

That night, we were both beat (now he had gotten ME sick by then,) but we cuddled--a bit frustrated we were so hot for each other, but still not having sex...oy!--and fell asleep.

(This is coming to an end, so hang on...) That Sunday morning we woke up hungry and talkative. I made us b-fast and we ate and talked. Don't know how the conversation got us talking about old break-ups (probably the couple we heard yelling at each other through the walls)...This is where the poo hit the fan! I never badmouth my Xs, that's just not me, and I told him I was glad things siply did not work out w/my ex, because now I wouldn't have met him (such a great guy!)
He, in the other hand, got a bit worked up about how his ex and him broke up...he had told me a completely different story, but now he was telling me how he broke up with her becuase of her jealousy, and her own history w/an ex...I got the feeling that his heart had been broken, and somehow, after 8 months of breakup, he was not that over it... He got quiet. Pensive. We laid in bed talking some more...And then he drops the millenary bomb that, he was figuring out that the reason why we had not had sex was because HE might not be ready for that...He was not ready for a serious relationship!!!!

He said he loved being with me, that all the things he'd said in the last month to me, he had meant. That he was not rejecting me, and thought I was beautiful and "wanted" me very much. But that he just could not promise me commitment at this point because he was just not ready...He said he didn't think it was an issue "till that morning" and once the doubt "reared its head, it was impossible to ignore."

I told him I understood, but I was not going to sit around till he figured things out. I'd been through that with others, and ALWAYS ended up being the disposable one...I asked him to leave. After telling me to forgive him, and telling me I was so cool about everything, he left. I didn't even see him to the door. Just wished him luck, and a happy life.(As soon as he left I cried my eyes out.)

What I don't get is that this guy could not keep his eyes and hands off of me. Told me how beautiful, cute, smart, "well-rounded," and oh yes, "perfect" I was for him ALL THE TIME. He started calling me "Baby" 10 days into the "relationship." He told his family about me, his best friend...took me to his house to "meet his pets." Discussed a possible summer trip with me...whatever! Then he pulls the rug from under me like that! Why? I don't get it!!

Later that same Sunday, he emails me telling me he was so sorry about everything and wished he could figure things out, but he just didn't understand what was up with him, "and that I deserved better" (love that one)...Then he closes it by saying "Missing you terribly."

PLEASE tell me what you think that's all about??? This guy's 38 and never been married,by the way--he did spend 3 years with his ex; the longest relationship he's had...

Thanks for taking the time to read this, sorry it was so long!

~Aly

VictorM's advice:

Half way thought your second paragraph I pretty much knew how this was going to end. I get submissions describing situations like yours all the time. Permit me to start my answer to you with a joke I've used here before (with apologies to long time visitors):

Guy 1: I went to Joe's Garage. They had a pan with about a gallon of gasoline sitting on the floor. This stray dog walked in and started drinking it.
Guy 2: The what happened?
Guy 1: Well, after the dog drunk most of it, he started spinning and spinning and spinning around until he collapsed on the floor.
Guy 2: Was he dead?
Guy 1: Nah. He ran out of gas.

And that's what happened to your guy after a month -- he ran out of gas. The gas I'm talking about are chemicals released into his body during the early stages of infatuation. Popular culture refers to this stage as "blinded by love," or "wearing rose colored glasses."

During this period, you were perfect to him. Made him feel as good as a drug. Sometimes this state lasts days, weeks, even months, but eventually, it comes to a halt. And when it does, it's sudden and a massive let down.

Your situation might have been compounded by his previous experiences. It's possible that he was overly complimentary or attentive to you because an ex might have complained he didn't do enough of that with her, so he overcompensates with the next lover.

But a day comes when the chemicals dry out and you (or any other girl) can no longer match the person he imagined during the period he was "drugged."

There's nothing you can do about that. It's nothing you did or didn't do. The best that you can do is be aware next time that if a guy behaves that euphoric about you, it's most likely not going to have a happy ending. I know there is something gratifying about that kind of adulation, but really, it's not healthy. Slow, easy, and balanced is much better.

PS. I noticed you registered in the forum. If you wish to discuss this topic further, post there and we can talk further.