Submitted on Sunday, November 30, 2008
By Olivia, 27, from California:

I am a little bit curious what guys are looking for in a girlfriend. What kind of qualities are important? How important is looks? Does is matter for guys what occupations their girlfriend has, is there a occupation that guys prefer more then others? How important is it for guys what kind of clothes their girlfriend wear? Is it important for guys that their friend like and get along with their girlfriend?

VictorM's advice:

The particulars vary from guy to guy but this one thing is consistent: A guy likes a girlfriend that makes him feel good about himself when he's in her company (the same applies to girls about their boyfriends, by the way).

So, when you dress to impress other females, or to impress other guys, there's a good chance you're not making your boyfriend feel very good about himself. But, some guys are confident enough to like being with a woman who looks very sexy, and some guys are not. That's what you have to learn about each guy, not only about clothing but just about everything else.

We also tend to have dating parameters that narrow down our interests. Generally, people are most attracted to people more like themselves. So, things like age, height, weight, education, income level, religion, politics, etc. while we don't have to nail them all, we tend to stick within a narrow range of comfort. There are exceptions, of course, but if a guy is 6'8" chances are that he won't be very comfortable with a woman who is 5'1". A guy who is a janitor isn't likely to feel good about himself dating a lawyer or a doctor, a guy making $7.50 an hour isn't going to feel great with a woman making $200,000 a year (I'm not even including the possibility of machismo, I'm just referring to dating parameters). This has nothing to do with anyone being better or worse than anyone else, it has to do with levels of comfort about ourselves.

Then there's the whole opposites attract thing. That is about inadequacies we feel about ourselves that the other person can compensate for, not about dating parameters. For example, someone who is 5'1" (weight being a dating parameter) and they feel inadequate because they think they're too short, they aren't going to feel better going with a much taller person, because if anything, it just highlights their inadequacy. But, in the case of shyness (not a dating parameter), for example, being with an outgoing person, if it makes the shy person's life easier, attraction happens. A word of caution here: lots of people think that shy people will always feel attracted to outgoing people. That's not the case. It's only more prone to happen if the shy person feels inadequate about their own shyness. Some shy people are perfectly happy being shy and so attraction to an outgoing person isn't as likely. The thing is that many times we don't even realize the kinds of inadequate feelings that makes us vulnerable to other people's attributes. Learning these about ourselves is a great tool for changing who we get attracted to. Meaning, a shy person who feels inadequate about their shyness can work on being less shy and if they succeed, that'll change who they get attracted to.

If you accept that the task of finding a good mate is not an easy one and that mister right isn't that easy to come by, you'd be less apt to waste your energies on relationships that are going nowhere in favor of searching for one with better possibilities. And while the task is hard, the two questions that should help you decide, are: 1) do I feel good about myself around this guy? and 2) Are the things that make him feel good about himself things I can be happy doing? Of course, love, trust, and massively mind-blowing orgasms would be pluses. :)