Wednesday, December 31, 2008
I’ve only been out with one guy
Submitted on Tuesday, December 30, 2008
By: Anna
Age: 24
Location: Chicago
Question: Victor, I am at such a loss. I’m 24 and I’ve only been out with one guy. That lasted for a month and he left me for his ex. I know he was a loser but it hurt. So my question is what could possibly be wrong with me that I never get approached or asked out. I’m 5’4, 120lb, I’m a lawyer, I play sports and love music and I’m fairly outgoing (not the crazy getting drunk type but I have manners and know how to hold an intelligent conversation).
What bugs me the most is that men check me out and look at me all the time (some very obviously I might add, especially the ones in their 30s for some reason) but not one seems to have the balls to come up and talk to me. Friends don't believe me when I tell them I never get approached. When I have tried to make it work with a few guys I have always been rejected because they weren’t interested. I have made a decision never to approach a guy myself anymore because it just leads to too much confusion, frustration and hurt but if I don’t try the guys won’t either. So what am I doing wrong and what else can I do?
VictorM's advice:
We have discussed this situation on this site quite a bit. The following is a copy/pasting from a forum discussion we had recently as to why guys stay away from girls like you:
Many guys are intimidated by someone so accomplished and so financial better off than them. Most guys in your age range are still struggling to establish themselves. This not only explains why you get less attention from guys in their twenties, it also explains why you get the attention of guys over 30; they are more established professionally and financially, and as a result, their level of confidence is a few notches higher. But even with them that seems to be a problem.
So what are you doing wrong? There doesn't have to be anything wrong with you. In your case, quite the opposite may very well be true -- too much is right with you. You're too together, too cool, too smart, too attractive, too outgoing, too in shape, too [fill in the blank]. The type of guys confident enough to approach you are too few.
I really don't suggest you change all of that, but I do suggest that you do what a lot of guys do. See, guys have no problem dating girls that they know aren't mother of their children material. They date for company, for fun, and in some cases, yes, for sex.
Maybe you should think about dating some guys just for fun. Ask them out if they don't ask you. Date the one guy who has excellent taste in music, or the one who enjoys sports like you do, even if they come up short in other areas. This spreads the word that you're not attached and that a guy doesn't have to be a genius or rich to date you. And often times, it's just a matter of beginnings. You push things along and you never know who's going to notice.
By: Anna
Age: 24
Location: Chicago
Question: Victor, I am at such a loss. I’m 24 and I’ve only been out with one guy. That lasted for a month and he left me for his ex. I know he was a loser but it hurt. So my question is what could possibly be wrong with me that I never get approached or asked out. I’m 5’4, 120lb, I’m a lawyer, I play sports and love music and I’m fairly outgoing (not the crazy getting drunk type but I have manners and know how to hold an intelligent conversation).
What bugs me the most is that men check me out and look at me all the time (some very obviously I might add, especially the ones in their 30s for some reason) but not one seems to have the balls to come up and talk to me. Friends don't believe me when I tell them I never get approached. When I have tried to make it work with a few guys I have always been rejected because they weren’t interested. I have made a decision never to approach a guy myself anymore because it just leads to too much confusion, frustration and hurt but if I don’t try the guys won’t either. So what am I doing wrong and what else can I do?
VictorM's advice:
We have discussed this situation on this site quite a bit. The following is a copy/pasting from a forum discussion we had recently as to why guys stay away from girls like you:
On one hand guys dream of dating girls who look like you, but on the other hand, many girls like you don't have boyfriends. Here's some reasons I think that is:Now, in your case, there is something else that plays a factor and intimidates most guys, particularly guys around your age -- you're lawyer. Not only does that signify above average intelligence, it also means significantly higher income. Never mind that none of it may be true, it is the perception and that's what counts.
1. Guys automatically assume that someone as attractive as you can't possibly be single. So they don't even try.
2. Guys feel that a girl who looks like you would never give them the time of day. So they don't even try.
3. While guys fantasize of a girlfriend as attractive as you, in reality, they fear that you attract too much attention from other guys. It's not so much that you'd cheat; it's more that guys would be all over you and you'd have your pick of the litter and that you could dump them at any time.
Many guys are intimidated by someone so accomplished and so financial better off than them. Most guys in your age range are still struggling to establish themselves. This not only explains why you get less attention from guys in their twenties, it also explains why you get the attention of guys over 30; they are more established professionally and financially, and as a result, their level of confidence is a few notches higher. But even with them that seems to be a problem.
So what are you doing wrong? There doesn't have to be anything wrong with you. In your case, quite the opposite may very well be true -- too much is right with you. You're too together, too cool, too smart, too attractive, too outgoing, too in shape, too [fill in the blank]. The type of guys confident enough to approach you are too few.
I really don't suggest you change all of that, but I do suggest that you do what a lot of guys do. See, guys have no problem dating girls that they know aren't mother of their children material. They date for company, for fun, and in some cases, yes, for sex.
Maybe you should think about dating some guys just for fun. Ask them out if they don't ask you. Date the one guy who has excellent taste in music, or the one who enjoys sports like you do, even if they come up short in other areas. This spreads the word that you're not attached and that a guy doesn't have to be a genius or rich to date you. And often times, it's just a matter of beginnings. You push things along and you never know who's going to notice.
Comments:
You are not on Ask A Real Guy's Home Page.
Click here to return to Ask A Real Guy's home page where you can submit your own question or read the most recent Questions+Answers.
Hi Anna, I just want to say that I feel your pain!! I too am a lawyer. I am 26, I dress nice, have a great personality (even been told this by the guys that I try to strike something up with), I am outgoing, love to laugh, etc. I NEVER get approached, and I mean NEVER!!!! Guys will say that I look nice and I can tell when they are checking me out. I try to come off friendly so that they won't be intimidated and still nothing. I have been told some of the same things that Victor has said...too much is right with me, guys might be afraid that men will jump all over me...but then why do most guys that I see have model look-a-likes on their arms?? uuggggh...it's so frustrating!!
# posted by 
: 7:24 AM
: 7:24 AM
Most guys' number one priority is their ego. Being seen with a beautiful woman boost their ego. Staying with her may not. But a pretty woman who is successful, smart, and confident... well, that does nothing for many a male ego.
There's a difference between a beautiful woman who serves to boost an ego and a beautiful woman who is so together that it rattles many a male ego.
Once in a while you will find a man who loves the combination and draws consolation from it, but it means you have to work extra hard because such men are hard to find.
There's a difference between a beautiful woman who serves to boost an ego and a beautiful woman who is so together that it rattles many a male ego.
Once in a while you will find a man who loves the combination and draws consolation from it, but it means you have to work extra hard because such men are hard to find.
I believe it is an intelligence thing. Guys might come a little closer when you pull out the bombshell attitude... but who would want to do that?? Then if you do get a relationship of some sort out of them, they can't keep up with the conversation, if they can make one beyond how "sexy" you are. So then what? Dumb yourself down to keep them feeling up? In my unfortunately extensive experience, if you choose to try and make it work with someone like that they will try to bring you down, make you less than who you truly are, intellectually and otherwise. So as your acheivments go down in this nasty cycle, their ego is even more served. I'm in law school now, and it was delayed by more than 10yrs because of my attempt to acheive what I thought was something normal we all should have, a supportive companion in life.
It is extremely hard to find a man that can deal with an intelligent woman who also happens to be attractive and successful. They can deal with one of the above, and they can still feel powerfully needed and manipulative in some other area of a woman's self-confidence, but all three? No way sister. God forbid you have one more aspect, loving a good roll in the hay, often! That will totally and forever confuse them about how to treat you. I think the men that could appreciate a woman like that have been alone for so long wishing for such a miracle, they don't know what to do when you are right in front of them even giving them their cue. So, I guess I'd agree with Victor, go have some fun girl! I know its hard not to get attached but its nice to have someone bring the light into your eyes for a while, just keep your hobbies and other joys of life closer always.
Post a Comment
It is extremely hard to find a man that can deal with an intelligent woman who also happens to be attractive and successful. They can deal with one of the above, and they can still feel powerfully needed and manipulative in some other area of a woman's self-confidence, but all three? No way sister. God forbid you have one more aspect, loving a good roll in the hay, often! That will totally and forever confuse them about how to treat you. I think the men that could appreciate a woman like that have been alone for so long wishing for such a miracle, they don't know what to do when you are right in front of them even giving them their cue. So, I guess I'd agree with Victor, go have some fun girl! I know its hard not to get attached but its nice to have someone bring the light into your eyes for a while, just keep your hobbies and other joys of life closer always.
You are not on Ask A Real Guy's Home Page.
Click here to return to Ask A Real Guy's home page where you can submit your own question or read the most recent Questions+Answers.
