Submitted on Sunday, December 07, 2008
By Mary, 28, from Lexington, KY:

Not sure how to motivate my boyfriend to take care of his own sh^%*#(???

My boyfriend is generally a responsible guy - he has a child and is a great father. However, he works nights - so he's almost always tired and (I think) uses this as an excuse. For example, he wants to get in shape, but says he's too tired to work out. (All the time? I find that impossible).

The days we have his child are his days off, and my days working during the day - when I come home in the evening it's a mess and instead of having fun with the baby, I spend time cleaning up. I am anal about cleaning - so I accept this as my own burden - but I'd love to motivate him to help in a minimal way (like... if she gets 20 toys out - but is playing with 2, put a few of the others away? Put the lunch and breakfast dishes at least into the sink?) - set a good example for her about being tidy and responsible.

My biggest problem is that he's also lazy with his own stuff... he has bad credit which he said was from the divorce. To me, it's obvious he's got bad credit because he's lazy (because it happened over a few years of mistakes! not the 4 month divorce!) he gets mail that he throws away... I finally opened some things in a stack and found a collections that is 9 days away from going on his credit report!!! how can he improve his credit if he throws away his bills?

i now have 100% responsibility for opening all the mail... i already did 100% of the bill paying and other money stuff around here (we both contribute about evenly to the income)

he feels bad that i own my current house and he just lives here. he wants to buy a house, but if that's going to happen his credit has to improve, but for that to happen - i have to do it for him - he is so lazy about opening mail, writing letters, making important phone calls, that it's basically as if he's refusing to do it (although he CONSTANTLY says "i forgot" - even if something has been on the counter for 2-3 weeks and i ahve asked him 4-5 times about it, in a nice way.... he still says 'i forgot')

how can i motivate him to be involved? it is after all HIS responsibility

when i try to talk to him he feels like i'm calling him immature, irresponsible, etc... I just want him to realize how important this is and that it's his responsibility and that paying your bills and making phone calls is part of being a grown up. i also want him to appreciate my help.... he says he's busy and tired - well so am i. but i give my time to taking care of my business, our business, and his business - because he doesn't do any of it. i refuse to let his credit get worse, or let it affect my future. i want to buy a house with him - well lets make that happen...

he's a great boyfriend in all other respects... he just wont do anything involving paperwork!!!!

do i just accept that this is a part of HIM, and if it's going to get done - accept that i have to do it myself?

well... i sort of have accepted that - i DO do it all... but i would still like him to at least be involved. if i'm taking the time to do it, i would like it if he'd sit with me for at least a few minutes to help out.

and from a legal standpoint, i can't make all his phone calls - for account access reasons - but it's pulling teeth for him to do it.

VictorM's advice:

1) Stop doing it for him. The saying goes: give an angry man a fish,you fee him for a day; teach him to fish he'll feed himself for ever. Stop giving him a fish.

2) Train him like you train a puppy. That is, ask very specific and easy tasks, reward him, repeat the process until it becomes part of his behavior. Then, and only then, you ask for more and repeat the process.

I'll just give you a couple of examples and hopefully you can apply it to other things.

You can home and the dishes are all over the place. First off, yelling and telling him off about it are the absolute worst things you can do. Instead, go to the kitchen and start doing the dishes. Call him and ask him nicely: "honey, can you please hand me the soup plate that's on the coffee table?" He bring is it over, and you say "Thanks, baby" and give him a kiss. "Oh, can you please also hand me the soup spoon?" Repeat, repeat, repeat. Next time, ask for both things at the same time. When he bring is over, reward him. Then, one day, you ask him to "please, you hunk of a wonderful man, can you please wash these 2 dishes, baby?" etc etc.

So, the basics: ask for small changes at a time. Be specific about what you want (don't say "Help me" -- he'll just be like a deer in headlights). Reward good behavior (a kiss, a kind word a beer, a flash of your boobs, a quickie right in the middle of the kitchen floor). Increase your requests over time: bring me a plate now, two tomorrow, wash one dish the day after, etc.)

Another example, this one about paying the bills: first time, gather the bill, the checkbook, the pen... get them all together and just ask him to write the check. That's all. When he does, give him the blow job of his life! Next time, ask him to write the check and put the stamp on the envelop. Then rip his clothes off and mount him right then and there. Next, "honey, get the bills and the check book, it's time to pay the bills." Let him do it! When he does, call your twin sister and have a wild threesome.

OK... I've slightly exaggerated the rewards, but I hope you get the idea.

Don't expect overnight changes. Settle for incremental changes. Be patient. Don't do it for him. Reward good behavior. If and when he actually does do the dishes before you even get home, throw him a party and invite all his favorite porn stars. :-p

IMPORTANT: no sarcastic remarks like "see, it's not so hard," or if he does something, don't say "it's the least you could have done." No, nothing like that. You always want to reward good behavior. Always.

Now, have plenty of K-Y jelly and get ready...