Submitted on Monday, December 01, 2008
By K.M, from West Coast:

Hello Victor! Recently I found your website, and your advice is very helpful, at the same time it is so much fun to read! I truly enjoy reading your website, and thank you.

I do not know what to think or do, so please help!

I am a single mother with one daughter who is seven. I am very independent and a freedom seeker, loving my life with my daughter alone in this country. I met a man through work, who is 12 years younger, living in a different city -about 5 hours plane ride from my city…I am his client. He knows that I am divorced and am a single mother and how old I am.

We have been communicating professionally, since he positioned back in April (I think). But it all changed, when I visited his company for the site inspection in July. During our breakfast meeting, he was really pleasant and polite, and we had good breakfast and conversation. But all of the sudden he started to flirt with me by saying something sexually a bit and putting his arm around me few times during the inspection… From that point on, our communication style changed. We continued to communicate by email, and he called 2 to 3 times a week at work. His message quite often led to “his exercise (sex)” issue with me. I found the conversations we had were quite funny and led me into an area of strange curiosity toward him.

In the beginning of October, he came to my city for the association convention; he surprised me by visiting my office suddenly. I freaked out and got all frozen. He said, “I am so happy to see you!!! I really wanted to surprise you!!!” but I could not say anything. He brought me a wine opener, because he knew that I really like drinking wine. I was very happy with his thoughts. After he left the office, he emailed me to call him, and we exchanged lots of messages, and finally we decided to meet and had sex at the hotel where he was staying. I believe that was his intention, because he said he wanted to do so back in July.

After that night, we did not exchange any email for a week or so, and then he started to call me at work 1-2 times a week again. Sometimes, I casually sent a message saying, “Have a good week” or “Have a good weekend!” without mentioning anything about the night we met or about us. I did send something (souvenir from my area) by Airmail with a card in the later date, thanking him for everything.

This casual but professional exchange continued. My feeling toward this man has changed once again, when (I think in the beginning of November) he emailed me saying “I kinda missed you this week!! Hope all is well. You know I really miss that smile of yours, and one can hope that your daughter has the same amazing personality of yours. xoxoxoxo :)“ I lost myself for a moment but was truly happy that he sent the message like that. It took me about 1.5 hours to reply to his email, because I did not know what to say. At the end I thanked him for sending it and said what he has written was the sweetest thing I have not heard from anyone, and I did say "...I miss you more than you think". Since then and few more email exchanges, he has become more generous and sweeter to deal with me, with no more sexual talk. When I did not email him for a week or so, he emailed and said “It has been awhile, I have not heard from you, so I want to say HI :) xox” When I replied to him asking how he was doing or about the weather in his area, he never replies (I think I have a magic of making him disappear from me), unless I ask him about something that he is expertise in (such as skiing and Ice Hockey), which I have no clue about…then he replies back to me. He often says “Hi Sweetie!” At the end of a message, he always adds “xoxoxo”.

It has been only 4 months, since this situation started. But, I must be honest that I do have special feeling for him. We work together in different cities – long distance. He does not call me everyday or email me often, which I do not mind at all because even a “once-a-week” message from him makes me just really happy, and because I have my own life with my daughter and also need time alone to relax!

From the man’s perspective, what is his intention? Is he just playing and having fun with me, or just being polite, because I am his client? I do not know what to think, therefore do not know what to do. When emotions are involved, sometimes it is hard to think clearly…my heart and head cannot be connected very well sometimes. I sometimes wonder, if I should reveal my feeling for him...but sometimes I do not want to. Would you please advice me? Please help me! Thank you so much!!

VictorM's advice:

Simple Questions: "what is his intention?"
Simple Answer: Sex and an inflated ego for seducing an older woman.

Let's see some of the problems here:

-- Ye's 12 years younger. Men his age -- I'm assuming he's in his late 20's, early 30's -- find an older woman sexually appealing (think Mrs. Robinson), but they really don't want to seriously date someone closer to their mother's age.
-- He's long distance. Men are very physical by nature and emails and phone calls don't provide the sexual satisfaction he craves.
-- Sexual encounter. The message was clearly established early on that this is a sexual relationship. It's not like sex came after an evolving romantic courtship. Sex was always the goal.
-- You're the client. He has much motivational, apart from legitimately liking you, to keeping you on the hook.

If the sex and the flirtatious attention does wonders for you, great! Keep it going. But if you think this will ever lead to anything remotely even resembling a serious relationship, you're delusional and just setting yourself up for major disappointment.

And it's not like I'm being pessimistic; I'm just being a realist: a man 12 years your junior, living far away, to whom you're a client, who gives you inconsistent attention, well... you fill in the rest.

Maybe I'm wrong, but if so, answer me this: what signs, besides pretty words and packaged thoughts, have you gotten from him that leads you to believe you mean more to him than just fun?

It's a simple question. I'll await your simple answer.