Tuesday, December 30, 2008
He cheated on me with his ex girlfriend
Submitted on Monday, December 29, 2008
By: Samantha
Age: 25
Location: Canada
Question: I have been with my guy for almost 3 years now. We met online in Dec. 05 and started officially going out in Jan. 06...around Feb. 06 he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend- they were out and one thing just lead to another is all i have gotten from the situation. (He did come to me 3 days after it happened and told me). Anyways, to keep this as short as 3 years can be...
it's now almost 3 years that we are together, and a lot has happened in between, like him still hanging out with her here and there for awhile that only made the trust issues worse...
it's been several months now that they have finally cut all communication ties maybe even a year....
recently he has started going out a lot, and I am finding it hard - every time he calls and says he is going out i get that small feeling of what if...and I don't want to feel it...
I've tried talking with him about it, but that's hard to because its like 3 years later and he is still dealing with a mistake he made...I understand his frustrations with not being trusted...but i think he believes i should be over this by now...
we both love each other soo much, and we have almost broken up several times but just cant seem to let each other go...we want this to work...but obviously the trust is a problem...
was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how I can trust him more, or how he is really feeling...and how i can be okay with him going out...or how i can ask him in a way that he would understand to help me out a little more in trusting him when he is out..
VictorM's advice:
Sounds to me like there are three major reasons why this is still a problem: one, doesn't sound like you have dealt with this in a way that satisfied you (more on this below); two, he really doesn't seem to have made an adequate effort to make up for his mistakes; and three, broken trust is virtually impossible to mend fully anyway.
Problem one: your language indicates that you have been very passive, maybe even afraid to fully discuss this incident with him and get angry as you would have the right to be. You say things like "all i have gotten from the situation" and "I've tried talking with him about it," language that suggests you never got your day in court, so to speak. You really have a right, and he has a duty, to address every one of your questions, and you have a right, and owe it to yourself, to get as furious about it as you really feel, and let him know it. None of that appears to have happened. You've mainly bottled it inside and anytime you come even close to acting on it, you almost breakup, which suggests to me that he uses his own mistake against you. As long as this continues, you will never solve this problem.
Problem two: You have it very wrong that he's paying for a mistake he made three years ago. That just is not so. After the cheating incident he continued seeing that girl for another two years or so. Every time he saw her was a slap on your face. And I also suspect, as I mentioned before, that he's using the threat of a breakup as a way to keep you quiet about it. That is manipulation, pure and simple.
Problem three: broken trust is like toothpaste; once out you can't put it back in. You can try to work on it, and others can offer suggestions, but frankly, you're barking up the wrong tree because you aren't looking at the source of the problem and the only one that can do something about it -- him!
As long as you continue to be timid about your anger, hide your disappointment, and walk around him on this issue like you're the one doing something wrong, you can't take many steps forward.
I don't buy this "we love each other so much" stuff as the reason you don't breakup. Despite this impression of love, I am willing to bet that if you had been the one who cheated, you would not be a couple today. So no, it's not love that's keeping you together; your fears are. Your fear of getting at the bottom of the issue, your fear of telling him exactly what a creep he was that he cheated AND continued to see her even after he knew what it was doing to you AND continues to go out knowing how you feel, and your fear that he will breakup with you.
Before you can address your issues with trust you need to address your fears. Because if you're not willing to lose him to regain your self-respect -- believe me, that's what most of of what he did translates to, -- this lack of trust will haunt you forever.
By: Samantha
Age: 25
Location: Canada
Question: I have been with my guy for almost 3 years now. We met online in Dec. 05 and started officially going out in Jan. 06...around Feb. 06 he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend- they were out and one thing just lead to another is all i have gotten from the situation. (He did come to me 3 days after it happened and told me). Anyways, to keep this as short as 3 years can be...
it's now almost 3 years that we are together, and a lot has happened in between, like him still hanging out with her here and there for awhile that only made the trust issues worse...
it's been several months now that they have finally cut all communication ties maybe even a year....
recently he has started going out a lot, and I am finding it hard - every time he calls and says he is going out i get that small feeling of what if...and I don't want to feel it...
I've tried talking with him about it, but that's hard to because its like 3 years later and he is still dealing with a mistake he made...I understand his frustrations with not being trusted...but i think he believes i should be over this by now...
we both love each other soo much, and we have almost broken up several times but just cant seem to let each other go...we want this to work...but obviously the trust is a problem...
was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how I can trust him more, or how he is really feeling...and how i can be okay with him going out...or how i can ask him in a way that he would understand to help me out a little more in trusting him when he is out..
VictorM's advice:
Sounds to me like there are three major reasons why this is still a problem: one, doesn't sound like you have dealt with this in a way that satisfied you (more on this below); two, he really doesn't seem to have made an adequate effort to make up for his mistakes; and three, broken trust is virtually impossible to mend fully anyway.
Problem one: your language indicates that you have been very passive, maybe even afraid to fully discuss this incident with him and get angry as you would have the right to be. You say things like "all i have gotten from the situation" and "I've tried talking with him about it," language that suggests you never got your day in court, so to speak. You really have a right, and he has a duty, to address every one of your questions, and you have a right, and owe it to yourself, to get as furious about it as you really feel, and let him know it. None of that appears to have happened. You've mainly bottled it inside and anytime you come even close to acting on it, you almost breakup, which suggests to me that he uses his own mistake against you. As long as this continues, you will never solve this problem.
Problem two: You have it very wrong that he's paying for a mistake he made three years ago. That just is not so. After the cheating incident he continued seeing that girl for another two years or so. Every time he saw her was a slap on your face. And I also suspect, as I mentioned before, that he's using the threat of a breakup as a way to keep you quiet about it. That is manipulation, pure and simple.
Problem three: broken trust is like toothpaste; once out you can't put it back in. You can try to work on it, and others can offer suggestions, but frankly, you're barking up the wrong tree because you aren't looking at the source of the problem and the only one that can do something about it -- him!
As long as you continue to be timid about your anger, hide your disappointment, and walk around him on this issue like you're the one doing something wrong, you can't take many steps forward.
I don't buy this "we love each other so much" stuff as the reason you don't breakup. Despite this impression of love, I am willing to bet that if you had been the one who cheated, you would not be a couple today. So no, it's not love that's keeping you together; your fears are. Your fear of getting at the bottom of the issue, your fear of telling him exactly what a creep he was that he cheated AND continued to see her even after he knew what it was doing to you AND continues to go out knowing how you feel, and your fear that he will breakup with you.
Before you can address your issues with trust you need to address your fears. Because if you're not willing to lose him to regain your self-respect -- believe me, that's what most of of what he did translates to, -- this lack of trust will haunt you forever.
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Thank You for the advice, as I am reading it I just shake my head like I know.
Ive tried to talk to him so many times about that night that it happened...something that maybe I should have mentioned, as much as I hate to, is that he got her pregnant...apparently, we do not have the knowledge of truth to this, she went and got an abortion without telling anyone, we dont have access to her health records, obviously, and she was known to sleep around, so it could not even be his...
anyways, everytime I try to tlak to him about how it happened he just says he cant explain it anymore then he has...everytime I bring it up he gets soo angry with me, its like I cant talk.
Anymore, about anything, if i try to tell him something to help me more or suggest something or tell him something hurt or upset me, immediately he gets so defensive and just says "Im the jerk, Im the one who was wrong, Im the asshole, douchebag, etc."
he immediately takes blame for things i am not even putting blame there for...just so we can end the conversation and not talk about it.
I dont understand how I am suppose to be okay with him like this...I know we are both sick to death of talking about it, but Im still here with my whole heart trying with him, trying to be okay...and i feel like no matter how much i know he cares, or he says he wants this to work, that he isnt here with me trying to make it work
Ive tried to talk to him so many times about that night that it happened...something that maybe I should have mentioned, as much as I hate to, is that he got her pregnant...apparently, we do not have the knowledge of truth to this, she went and got an abortion without telling anyone, we dont have access to her health records, obviously, and she was known to sleep around, so it could not even be his...
anyways, everytime I try to tlak to him about how it happened he just says he cant explain it anymore then he has...everytime I bring it up he gets soo angry with me, its like I cant talk.
Anymore, about anything, if i try to tell him something to help me more or suggest something or tell him something hurt or upset me, immediately he gets so defensive and just says "Im the jerk, Im the one who was wrong, Im the asshole, douchebag, etc."
he immediately takes blame for things i am not even putting blame there for...just so we can end the conversation and not talk about it.
I dont understand how I am suppose to be okay with him like this...I know we are both sick to death of talking about it, but Im still here with my whole heart trying with him, trying to be okay...and i feel like no matter how much i know he cares, or he says he wants this to work, that he isnt here with me trying to make it work
# posted by 
: 11:42 PM
: 11:42 PM
I understand that on any one given night, one thing led to another and since he maybe wasn't totally over his ex yet, he made a mistake. I can totally understand that. What I find a bigger problem is the continued contact with her after that incident. I'm curious, what does he say about that? How does he defend staying in contact with her for so long even after he knew how bothered you were?
He said that he has a hard time letting people go and hurting them because he was with a girl for 7 years and she just out of the blue left him and he caught her with another guy.
# posted by : 3:22 PM
: 3:22 PM
Wow... 7 years... I think that does change things from what I understood earlier.
Cheating is cheating and I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but the temptation seems much more justifiable. Given the length of time he was with her, and the short time he was with you, one can almost make the argument that subconsciously, he was cheating on her with you more so than the other way around.
In this case, where she cheated on him, and the massive blow to his ego it caused, I can understand his need to seek some healing, which can only come from her, no one else. It's not even out of line to categorize his sexual encounter with her as an act of revenge more than anything else. Either revenge or personal redemption (since guys take cheating in a form of personal rejection).
Yes, I can understand why he can't explain it to you, and I can understand his frustration in revisiting the event.
I don't know how you get over it, but this doesn't sound like your typical cheating situation.
Cheating is cheating and I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but the temptation seems much more justifiable. Given the length of time he was with her, and the short time he was with you, one can almost make the argument that subconsciously, he was cheating on her with you more so than the other way around.
In this case, where she cheated on him, and the massive blow to his ego it caused, I can understand his need to seek some healing, which can only come from her, no one else. It's not even out of line to categorize his sexual encounter with her as an act of revenge more than anything else. Either revenge or personal redemption (since guys take cheating in a form of personal rejection).
Yes, I can understand why he can't explain it to you, and I can understand his frustration in revisiting the event.
I don't know how you get over it, but this doesn't sound like your typical cheating situation.
No, sorry I think you misunderstood how I worded that...See the girl he was with before me, the one he cheated on with--Laura--he was only with her a year and a half....this other girl Sarah he was with for the 7 years..well, 7 he knew her and liked her, 4 they were together as a couple..then she left him outta the blue. I hope that makes more sense.
# posted by : 2:47 PM
: 2:47 PM
Oh I see. Thanks for clarifying.
Still, it sounds like his cheating was more as a result of unsolved business than pure lust, meaning, it's not a sign that he's a serial cheater. And his inability to explain still stands as I stated earlier.
Still, it sounds like his cheating was more as a result of unsolved business than pure lust, meaning, it's not a sign that he's a serial cheater. And his inability to explain still stands as I stated earlier.
I guess why I find it so hard to trust him is because he told me he cheated on every one of his girlfriends except for the one he was with for 7 years....
then it happened with me..
how can I make him see my concerns without pushing him out the door?
then it happened with me..
how can I make him see my concerns without pushing him out the door?
# posted by : 5:22 PM
: 5:22 PM
Oh wait a minute... either I'm having reading comprehension problems or you're throwing out new and important pieces of evidence here.
He's cheated on all his other gf's... and you're wondering why you don't trust him? Duh!!
You don't want advice; you want a miracle.
He's cheated on all his other gf's... and you're wondering why you don't trust him? Duh!!
You don't want advice; you want a miracle.
Everyone of them but Sarah.
After Sarah broke up with him and he caught her making out with another guy in a car...
Which would be just his past relationship with Laura...whom he cheated on 2x...
and then he cheated on me with Laura..
After Sarah broke up with him and he caught her making out with another guy in a car...
Which would be just his past relationship with Laura...whom he cheated on 2x...
and then he cheated on me with Laura..
# posted by : 8:35 PM
: 8:35 PM
You're dating someone who has cheated repeatedly. You have every right not to trust.
Now, it's just a matter of whether you want to take a chance or not. I don't know what else to tell you.
Now, it's just a matter of whether you want to take a chance or not. I don't know what else to tell you.
I've been taking the chance...this month will be 3 years of us together, and 2 years since he cheated on me, what I want to know is how to get him to understand why I feel the way I do..
# posted by : 1:38 AM
: 1:38 AM
Been there done that. Your only hope of getting him to understand your feelings here (and getting him to really listen to them) is couples counselling. Even then it's a long shot. This is why cheating destroys relationships: The cheater is too immature to remain faithful. So it goes then that they are too immature to deal with the fallout. I suspect that much cheating is about control, and in doing the necessary work needed to heal the damage done, the control driven cheater is giving up his/her game.
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