Submitted on Thursday, December 11, 2008
By mystere28, 29:

How can a guy with a girlfriend befriend new girls and make his girlfriend comfortable at the same time? He is in his 30's. I am not trying to "control", but I don't want to be a fool, and I do want to be comfortable.

VictorM's advice:

You own your level of comfort, your trust in him, and your reaction to whom he befriends. Making him responsible for your own feelings is skirting your responsibilities and just sets you up for failure, because unless he's a mind reader, since you're likely to react differently to the same exact event depending on your mood, his chances of success are hit or miss.

The problem with people who say they don't want to control others is that they do want to control others. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be asking how he can change to accommodate you; you'd be asking how you can change to deal with it better. And the problem with appeasing people like you is that it never stops. If today you're not pleased that he talks to a girl, and he stops, you'll be bothered that he looks at her, or that he opens the door to her, or even if he just mentions the name of a female. Women who have no trust, never, never, never get to trust him no matter what he does. Even if he decided to never leave the house and close himself in a dark room, you'd still be imagining he's seeing other women in the shadows.

Of course, some guys exhibit behaviors towards other females that are so offensive that goes beyond reasonable limits, but then if you stay with this kind of jerk, you're still the one with the problem.

You can, and should, express your personal feelings to him. Explain to him the things that hurt your feelings and arouse your suspicion. But ultimately, how you react is really a reflection of the kind of person you are. If he doesn't behave in a way conducive with your judgment, and you feel you've explained the situation, are you the kind of person who will look for a new boyfriend or one that is likely to stay there banging your head against a wall hoping that raising hell will make him change? Cause if you're the latter, you are the one with the problem, not him.

Now, are guys who seek the attention of other girls doing so because they want to cheat? Some, of course, are, but many aren't. Many males, whether it bothers you or not, seek the approval of other females for self validation. Old or young, coworkers or 22 year old neighbors, pretty or ugly... it doesn't matter, these guys just like being liked, being appreciated, being paid attention to. They seek the attention of females to raise their own ego and quite often, nothing else. It simply makes them feel good about themselves.

The problem that you face is that most guys don't see this as a problem. I suspect that's how your boyfriend feels. To them, since they're not looking to cheat, what's the harm in being nice to other women? That's what he's thinking and why all your banding your head on the wall is just going to make you bleed and not change his behavior.

So... you are either dealing with a guy whose behavior is fairly normal and it's your own insecurity that is causing you problems, or you're dealing with a guy whose behavior is so over the line they need professional therapy.

If you can't accept his female friends or if you can't drop him after still finding his behavior offensive, you're the one in need of therapy.