Friday, November 28, 2008
I'm similar to his mom
Submitted on Thursday, November 27, 2008
By Lyna, 19, from Davis:
I met this guy from my badminton class. We hung out along with this other girl. I told him a few things, like how I like helping people and how I can't say no. He told me my attitude/personality is similar to his mom. He often yells at me when I just ask him something. Before, I aimed him every time he's on and called him a lot but those calls are not calls like chit chatty calls. I stopped those bad habits. I asked him if I was the only friend that irritated him that much that he has to yell at me? He told me he doesn't really want to hang out with me because he has been doing so with someone very similar to me, which is like his mom and she keeps turning out that way.
I am really not that similar to her but I don't know why he keeps saying I am. I told him I'm not going to bother him anymore. We haven't talked since then even during class. 2 days later, at a friend's b-day party, I was the one that planned it and he wanted to know what's happening that night. He didn't ask me. Instead, he went to ask someone else. I was right there too. I have a feeling he feels awkward because he was treating me bad? But later that day we were fine. We all went out to eat. He asked me to order for him because he's so indecisive, but I don't get why does he ask me to do it? I sit only one seat away from him. He all a sudden became nice to me. Why does he keep yelling at me before? Is it because I'm similar to his mom? I am not that close to him since I only knew him for like a month.
VictorM's advice:
You don't have to be like his mother to invoke in him feelings he dislikes. For example, a guy may feel inferior in the presence of person A because person A insults him often. That same guy may feel inferior in the presence of person B because person B is so knowledgeable. Person A and person B need not be at all alike for the guy to feel the same way -- inferior. For whatever reason, you invoke in him the same negative feelings that his mother does, even if you and her are different.
Asking you to order for him at the restaurant is actually a very motherly like action, so it's not surprising he'd ask you to do that.
He probably can't yell at his mother when she irritates him, or even if he does, it doesn't change anything, but he can yell at you and get results. The yelling is not a reflection of disliking you more than anyone else, it's really a reflection of his inability to deal with whatever irritates him about his mother.
By Lyna, 19, from Davis:
I met this guy from my badminton class. We hung out along with this other girl. I told him a few things, like how I like helping people and how I can't say no. He told me my attitude/personality is similar to his mom. He often yells at me when I just ask him something. Before, I aimed him every time he's on and called him a lot but those calls are not calls like chit chatty calls. I stopped those bad habits. I asked him if I was the only friend that irritated him that much that he has to yell at me? He told me he doesn't really want to hang out with me because he has been doing so with someone very similar to me, which is like his mom and she keeps turning out that way.
I am really not that similar to her but I don't know why he keeps saying I am. I told him I'm not going to bother him anymore. We haven't talked since then even during class. 2 days later, at a friend's b-day party, I was the one that planned it and he wanted to know what's happening that night. He didn't ask me. Instead, he went to ask someone else. I was right there too. I have a feeling he feels awkward because he was treating me bad? But later that day we were fine. We all went out to eat. He asked me to order for him because he's so indecisive, but I don't get why does he ask me to do it? I sit only one seat away from him. He all a sudden became nice to me. Why does he keep yelling at me before? Is it because I'm similar to his mom? I am not that close to him since I only knew him for like a month.
VictorM's advice:
You don't have to be like his mother to invoke in him feelings he dislikes. For example, a guy may feel inferior in the presence of person A because person A insults him often. That same guy may feel inferior in the presence of person B because person B is so knowledgeable. Person A and person B need not be at all alike for the guy to feel the same way -- inferior. For whatever reason, you invoke in him the same negative feelings that his mother does, even if you and her are different.
Asking you to order for him at the restaurant is actually a very motherly like action, so it's not surprising he'd ask you to do that.
He probably can't yell at his mother when she irritates him, or even if he does, it doesn't change anything, but he can yell at you and get results. The yelling is not a reflection of disliking you more than anyone else, it's really a reflection of his inability to deal with whatever irritates him about his mother.
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I got a follow-up submission from Lyna. I've posted it below (in italics), with my answers.
Thanks for your answer, but I still have a few puzzled questions to ask.
You said it's not very surprising that he asked me to order for him at a restaurant because that's a motherly action. So are you saying he sees me as his mom? I don't quite understand this part. Can you elaborate a bit more?
I just meant that the action had no significance as far as romantic interest is concerned. His request for you to order is the type of thing that a guy would rely on his own mother to do. Basically, it's not a big deal and it really means little.
Some friends told me when a guy or a friend yells at you that means they see you as someone close enough that they can raise their voice at you? I hope that makes sense. I was wondering is this true? Is it true in my case about him yelling at me because im similar to his mom? Or maybe it's what you said that he's just using me to release his feelings he had for his mom.
I think we tend to yell loudest at people we care about, yes. If he disliked you, whatever irritates him about you wouldn't irritate him as much. But liking you and wanting to stay away from you are not mutually exclusive for reasons I explain below.
He told me he doesn't really want to hang out with me because im so similar to his mom. Does that mean he's not considering me as a friend? After that day, I give him his space. He ends up calling me 2 days later to play badminton even though he knows I can't play yet. Is he just calling me up to hang out with me because he feels bad for saying that he doesn't really want to hang out with me?
I think he'd be willing to have you as a friend but he's just making sure you understand he's not interested in romance.
I really like being friends with him. I tried talking to him on aim again to see if i can rebuild this friendship but he only seems to answer my questions. He doesn't seem to contribute anything in the conversation. His response aren't responses like ok, cool, nice, etc. He does answer them and elaborate on it. When I ask what he's doing? He said homework.
Is he a guy of few words with everyone or just you? Maybe he's this way, period, and in no way does it mean he doesn't want your friendship.
Overall, I don't know how to deal with him. He told me he won't yell at me anymore. I hate how sometimes he treats me like how a friend should treat a friend but sometimes he treats me like I am not a friend.
I asked him why don't he avoid or ignore me, if he doesn't really want to hang out with me. He told me he thinks ignoring people is morally wrong. But at the same time he's hurting me too.
Do you have any advice on what I could do? He feels annoyed when i bring up the old stuff so I don't dare to ask him these things. I give him a lot of space and I just wait for him to talk to me. I just don't know what else I can do to make him forget about the idea of me being similar to his mom. I feel like he asked me to order for him at the restaurant because he feels bad for treating me bad. It's like a way for him to indirectly tell me he's sorry. I wanted to know if he even cares about this friendship at all and is it worth my time to put my efforts into rebuilding this friendship?
It puzzles me why you so want to be friends with someone who treats you the way he does.
My guess is that he knows (in his mind) that you say you want just friendship but you really want a relationship and he's just keeping you away enough to get that message. I think the more you try to latch on to the friendship, the more he will resist, even if he feels obligated morally to treat you nicely.
And don't make too much of his claim that you're like his mother. It may not even by that exactly. He may just be struggling to convey his wishes to you in a way that doesn't hurt your feelings.
You know, no matter how much you want someone, there comes a time when you have to respect the other person's feelings. In a case like this, showing that you care means granting him his wish over pushing for yours.
Thanks for your answer, but I still have a few puzzled questions to ask.
You said it's not very surprising that he asked me to order for him at a restaurant because that's a motherly action. So are you saying he sees me as his mom? I don't quite understand this part. Can you elaborate a bit more?
I just meant that the action had no significance as far as romantic interest is concerned. His request for you to order is the type of thing that a guy would rely on his own mother to do. Basically, it's not a big deal and it really means little.
Some friends told me when a guy or a friend yells at you that means they see you as someone close enough that they can raise their voice at you? I hope that makes sense. I was wondering is this true? Is it true in my case about him yelling at me because im similar to his mom? Or maybe it's what you said that he's just using me to release his feelings he had for his mom.
I think we tend to yell loudest at people we care about, yes. If he disliked you, whatever irritates him about you wouldn't irritate him as much. But liking you and wanting to stay away from you are not mutually exclusive for reasons I explain below.
He told me he doesn't really want to hang out with me because im so similar to his mom. Does that mean he's not considering me as a friend? After that day, I give him his space. He ends up calling me 2 days later to play badminton even though he knows I can't play yet. Is he just calling me up to hang out with me because he feels bad for saying that he doesn't really want to hang out with me?
I think he'd be willing to have you as a friend but he's just making sure you understand he's not interested in romance.
I really like being friends with him. I tried talking to him on aim again to see if i can rebuild this friendship but he only seems to answer my questions. He doesn't seem to contribute anything in the conversation. His response aren't responses like ok, cool, nice, etc. He does answer them and elaborate on it. When I ask what he's doing? He said homework.
Is he a guy of few words with everyone or just you? Maybe he's this way, period, and in no way does it mean he doesn't want your friendship.
Overall, I don't know how to deal with him. He told me he won't yell at me anymore. I hate how sometimes he treats me like how a friend should treat a friend but sometimes he treats me like I am not a friend.
I asked him why don't he avoid or ignore me, if he doesn't really want to hang out with me. He told me he thinks ignoring people is morally wrong. But at the same time he's hurting me too.
Do you have any advice on what I could do? He feels annoyed when i bring up the old stuff so I don't dare to ask him these things. I give him a lot of space and I just wait for him to talk to me. I just don't know what else I can do to make him forget about the idea of me being similar to his mom. I feel like he asked me to order for him at the restaurant because he feels bad for treating me bad. It's like a way for him to indirectly tell me he's sorry. I wanted to know if he even cares about this friendship at all and is it worth my time to put my efforts into rebuilding this friendship?
It puzzles me why you so want to be friends with someone who treats you the way he does.
My guess is that he knows (in his mind) that you say you want just friendship but you really want a relationship and he's just keeping you away enough to get that message. I think the more you try to latch on to the friendship, the more he will resist, even if he feels obligated morally to treat you nicely.
And don't make too much of his claim that you're like his mother. It may not even by that exactly. He may just be struggling to convey his wishes to you in a way that doesn't hurt your feelings.
You know, no matter how much you want someone, there comes a time when you have to respect the other person's feelings. In a case like this, showing that you care means granting him his wish over pushing for yours.
Well i do admit that I do have feelings for him at the beginning because he has something that my ex lacks.
I don't know why i still want to be his friend even though he treats me bad. It's just he's friends with the people i hang out with. I don't want to make it hard on my other friends. I don't want to end up hating him because I have hate or dislike someone not so long ago and it's just painful because I want to hang out with my other friends but not include the one i hate but by doing that I'm making it hard on others. Like they can't hang out with him and me at the same time. I understand he's a nice guy and I do think you're right. Probably im pushing him too much because I had feelings for him?
He never had a relationship before and I don't think he thinks I have feelings for him because I don't really show it. well he do notice I treat him different from how I treat others like how I always tease him as if he's a kid and I talk to others seriously and joke seriously with others. His room mate told me he doesn't think my friend is interested in girls.
He's the first friend that I think is pretty weird. None of my friends were ever like him. It puzzles me to know why he treats me a certain way since it hasn't happen to me before like for instance, he said im similar to his mom.
Someone told me that if a girl irritates them they would just leave it and not care about it, but in this case when i irritate him, he feels bad and then comes back to talk to me again as if he still wants to be friends with me. They think it's something more then just him feeling guilty so he chose to talk to me but they don't know what it is. Me, I am just puzzled.
I really do think I'm reading too much into the things he do. I think the best way is to just don't think too much on what he does because some people don't even know what they're doing. They just do it because they feel like doing it.
Maybe he does like me but doesn't want a relationship so he's trying to keep a distance from me and uses the mom thing as an excuse? Cuz he did say I'm not like one of the people that he is. If guys meet girls that are different from what they normally see, would they be attracted to that person?
I don't know why i still want to be his friend even though he treats me bad. It's just he's friends with the people i hang out with. I don't want to make it hard on my other friends. I don't want to end up hating him because I have hate or dislike someone not so long ago and it's just painful because I want to hang out with my other friends but not include the one i hate but by doing that I'm making it hard on others. Like they can't hang out with him and me at the same time. I understand he's a nice guy and I do think you're right. Probably im pushing him too much because I had feelings for him?
He never had a relationship before and I don't think he thinks I have feelings for him because I don't really show it. well he do notice I treat him different from how I treat others like how I always tease him as if he's a kid and I talk to others seriously and joke seriously with others. His room mate told me he doesn't think my friend is interested in girls.
He's the first friend that I think is pretty weird. None of my friends were ever like him. It puzzles me to know why he treats me a certain way since it hasn't happen to me before like for instance, he said im similar to his mom.
Someone told me that if a girl irritates them they would just leave it and not care about it, but in this case when i irritate him, he feels bad and then comes back to talk to me again as if he still wants to be friends with me. They think it's something more then just him feeling guilty so he chose to talk to me but they don't know what it is. Me, I am just puzzled.
I really do think I'm reading too much into the things he do. I think the best way is to just don't think too much on what he does because some people don't even know what they're doing. They just do it because they feel like doing it.
Maybe he does like me but doesn't want a relationship so he's trying to keep a distance from me and uses the mom thing as an excuse? Cuz he did say I'm not like one of the people that he is. If guys meet girls that are different from what they normally see, would they be attracted to that person?
# posted by 
: 5:42 PM
: 5:42 PM
"Maybe he does like me but doesn't want a relationship so he's trying to keep a distance from me and uses the mom thing as an excuse?"
I think this is about right.
A guy would not necessarily by attracted to a girl just because she's different; guys like girls that make them feel good about themselves.
I think this is about right.
A guy would not necessarily by attracted to a girl just because she's different; guys like girls that make them feel good about themselves.
Follow-up comment by Lyna:
About 2 weeks ago before my friend's b-day, I told him off that I'm tired of him yelling at me. He's always distracted when he's online. He's either playing games or doing something else. All I did was tell him my last thoughts and told him I won't bother him anymore. I am not sure if he even read it. I think he did though because I sense he was awkward around me. I was the one that planned everything for my other friend's b-day. He wanted to know what's going to happen but he didn't want to ask me about it. He chose to ask another girl that kind of know what's going on.
Lately, I been feeling he's like extra nice to me. I don't know why. I just think he's extra nice because he realized he has been mean to me lately? The last thing he told me that hurt my feelings was "I don't really like want to hang out with you because you're similar to my mom"..He is just too polite now..to me only..It's like after i borrowed his sticky notes, i placed it back on his desk, he goes thank you. After i help him on his homework or other things, at the end of the day before i leave, he says "thank you for everything".. I just have this feeling that he's just being too polite/extra nice. I think it has something to do with him feeling guilty about how he treats me.
Before when I irritate him, we just argue then 2 days later he comes back and talks to me again. It has been the same for the next 2 arguments afterward. But this time he's being consistent and just being soo nice to me. Like yesterday, I was at his place studying. I lost track of time and didn't left his place till 4:30am. He and his room mate were playing an online game. By the time im about to leave, they were about to sleep. He offer to bike me back. But i told him, it's okay, I can go back on my own. When I start walking outside, he follows me. I was thinking "oh he's probably just going to lock the door like before" But he was following me all the way till the elevator. I turned around, kind of surprise that he's still following me. I asked him "are you following me?" he just says "ok ok, I won't follow you anymore, then heads back to his room. I know it's a guy's thing to take a girl back, to make sure they are safe.
I notice to my other friend when she was there till 2am, the next day he told her he was thinking of biking her back too but he didn't. This time to me, he's like wanting to take me back. He knows he left his bike in front of the gym but still offers to take me back. I think at that time he forgot that he doesn't have his bike with him.
I don't think he has any feelings for me other than he feels guilty and wants to make it up to me. I just feel he's giving me sympathy. Sadly, even though he treats me bad before and has changed how he treat me now, I still like him. I seem to like him a bit more because he's being nice to me. I kind of want to stop but I can't. I really want to know why he's being extra nice to me. I understand when a guy feels guilty, they are nice to a girl for only a bit, not being consistent like how this guy does to me.
Can you tell me your opinion on this? I don't know what he's thinking. Why is he being extra nice to me? I do know it can't be that he likes me. What is going on here?
About 2 weeks ago before my friend's b-day, I told him off that I'm tired of him yelling at me. He's always distracted when he's online. He's either playing games or doing something else. All I did was tell him my last thoughts and told him I won't bother him anymore. I am not sure if he even read it. I think he did though because I sense he was awkward around me. I was the one that planned everything for my other friend's b-day. He wanted to know what's going to happen but he didn't want to ask me about it. He chose to ask another girl that kind of know what's going on.
Lately, I been feeling he's like extra nice to me. I don't know why. I just think he's extra nice because he realized he has been mean to me lately? The last thing he told me that hurt my feelings was "I don't really like want to hang out with you because you're similar to my mom"..He is just too polite now..to me only..It's like after i borrowed his sticky notes, i placed it back on his desk, he goes thank you. After i help him on his homework or other things, at the end of the day before i leave, he says "thank you for everything".. I just have this feeling that he's just being too polite/extra nice. I think it has something to do with him feeling guilty about how he treats me.
Before when I irritate him, we just argue then 2 days later he comes back and talks to me again. It has been the same for the next 2 arguments afterward. But this time he's being consistent and just being soo nice to me. Like yesterday, I was at his place studying. I lost track of time and didn't left his place till 4:30am. He and his room mate were playing an online game. By the time im about to leave, they were about to sleep. He offer to bike me back. But i told him, it's okay, I can go back on my own. When I start walking outside, he follows me. I was thinking "oh he's probably just going to lock the door like before" But he was following me all the way till the elevator. I turned around, kind of surprise that he's still following me. I asked him "are you following me?" he just says "ok ok, I won't follow you anymore, then heads back to his room. I know it's a guy's thing to take a girl back, to make sure they are safe.
I notice to my other friend when she was there till 2am, the next day he told her he was thinking of biking her back too but he didn't. This time to me, he's like wanting to take me back. He knows he left his bike in front of the gym but still offers to take me back. I think at that time he forgot that he doesn't have his bike with him.
I don't think he has any feelings for me other than he feels guilty and wants to make it up to me. I just feel he's giving me sympathy. Sadly, even though he treats me bad before and has changed how he treat me now, I still like him. I seem to like him a bit more because he's being nice to me. I kind of want to stop but I can't. I really want to know why he's being extra nice to me. I understand when a guy feels guilty, they are nice to a girl for only a bit, not being consistent like how this guy does to me.
Can you tell me your opinion on this? I don't know what he's thinking. Why is he being extra nice to me? I do know it can't be that he likes me. What is going on here?
He's behaving this way because you asserted yourself. That's what happens when people do that -- others notice and respect them for it.
Follow-up submitted by Lyna:
I have always told him the 1st two times we argue that I don't like how he treats me. He didn't treat me as nice as he does now. Well he does treat me nice after i told him the first two times but this time i feel it's extra nice. I don't think I said anything different then how i said it before to him.
Do you think he was sad or feels anything when i turn him down by saying he doesn't have to take me back and also when i asked if he's following me? When he told me he's not going to follow me, I start heading out but then i turn back and about to tell him, I'll aim him when i get home. But before i could say that, he was already inside his room. I just saw him walking back in. I have a feeling he was very caring.
I was thinking he did went a little overboard. Well just a little because I told him he doesn't have to take me back, but he chose to follow me. If he sees me as a friend, would he show that much caring? I know I wouldn't if I only see that person as a friend.
I feel like this is the start of a new friend relationship. Is it likely that he starts liking me? Besides being extra nice to me, he also jokes with me like usual. He start saying negative things like how I did to him before. Before in class, I say things like "he puts buts and although together in one sentence" to our other friend and when I was at his place I pronounce vodka wrong and to our other friend he was like "she can't pronounce right".
Before he start being extra nice to me, I decided to give up because I was tired of dealing with him yelling at me. Even though I said I don't like him anymore, I still feel like i do. Now that he's being nice to me again, I feel it growing.
I just don't get what he's thinking. First he said I'm similar to his mom, so he starts being mean to me and wants to stay away from me but yet he said he thinks it's morally wrong to ignore people then he says mean things and now he's being extra nice. What is he treating me as? He just confuses me ><
Most of the time I tried not to think about it. I just pretend nothing has happen and talk to him like normal when he talks to me. But sometimes I just think too much like what i am doing now.
I have always told him the 1st two times we argue that I don't like how he treats me. He didn't treat me as nice as he does now. Well he does treat me nice after i told him the first two times but this time i feel it's extra nice. I don't think I said anything different then how i said it before to him.
Do you think he was sad or feels anything when i turn him down by saying he doesn't have to take me back and also when i asked if he's following me? When he told me he's not going to follow me, I start heading out but then i turn back and about to tell him, I'll aim him when i get home. But before i could say that, he was already inside his room. I just saw him walking back in. I have a feeling he was very caring.
I was thinking he did went a little overboard. Well just a little because I told him he doesn't have to take me back, but he chose to follow me. If he sees me as a friend, would he show that much caring? I know I wouldn't if I only see that person as a friend.
I feel like this is the start of a new friend relationship. Is it likely that he starts liking me? Besides being extra nice to me, he also jokes with me like usual. He start saying negative things like how I did to him before. Before in class, I say things like "he puts buts and although together in one sentence" to our other friend and when I was at his place I pronounce vodka wrong and to our other friend he was like "she can't pronounce right".
Before he start being extra nice to me, I decided to give up because I was tired of dealing with him yelling at me. Even though I said I don't like him anymore, I still feel like i do. Now that he's being nice to me again, I feel it growing.
I just don't get what he's thinking. First he said I'm similar to his mom, so he starts being mean to me and wants to stay away from me but yet he said he thinks it's morally wrong to ignore people then he says mean things and now he's being extra nice. What is he treating me as? He just confuses me ><
Most of the time I tried not to think about it. I just pretend nothing has happen and talk to him like normal when he talks to me. But sometimes I just think too much like what i am doing now.
I bet he's confused as well, about his own feelings, which might explain the different attitudes towards you on different days.
The thing is that you can't take everyone of his reactions from day to day and somehow make them mean something to how he might feel about you. Sometimes, a guy is just in a bad mood for some reason and he kinda behaves that way to just about everyone. So don't take everything he does personally.
But for now, he's acting nicely, so just sees where it leads.
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The thing is that you can't take everyone of his reactions from day to day and somehow make them mean something to how he might feel about you. Sometimes, a guy is just in a bad mood for some reason and he kinda behaves that way to just about everyone. So don't take everything he does personally.
But for now, he's acting nicely, so just sees where it leads.
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