Submitted on Wednesday, November 26, 2008
By K:

When my man and I get into arguments, I seem to forget things very easily because I am unfocused and afraid of causing fights. Sometimes he will ask me questions (during arguments) and I don't know what to say (and sometimes I even forget) and I tell him so, and it only causes him to be more angry. Do you have any advice on what I can do?

VictorM's advice:

I believe there's three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. The question then is: who is most likely to stake their view as "the truth"? Right now, you are losing that argument.

It's true that some people have better memories than others, but in general, memory is a very selective thing anyway, particularly in cases like yours; we often remember things with a bias towards our preconceived views. There have been many studies in the legal profession about the recollections of witness that support that, and just watch 2 sports fans of opposing teams argue a disputed play -- it's as if they saw two different plays.

Let me give you an example how things might work. Let's say you tell your boyfriend that you didn't like how he was talking to a certain girl. Days or weeks later, you have an argument and he says you called him a cheater. You have no such recollection, however, he's 100% sure that you said it. Now, is he lying? No. In his mind, without even realizing it, he processed your dissatisfaction about the conversation with the girl to mean that you don't trust him, and therefore capable of cheating, which with the passage of time and anger becomes "you called me a cheater."

The difference between you and him isn't memory, it's the confidence / assertiveness / stubbornness to say what you believe to have been the truth. Your problem isn't your memory; your problem is that you're "afraid of causing fights." Basically, you're a wimp. You allow yourself to be framed as having poor memory, and you reinforce that frame during an argument, because you think it makes life easier. It does not!

So, what to do? Using my example from above, next time he says that you called him a cheater, think for yourself: Do I remember saying that? Is that something I can imagine ever calling him? Is it like me to say something like that? If the answers are no, then say with authority: "I don't know what led you to believe that, but I never called you that." You have to stake your position, loud and clear, that his recollection isn't any better than yours, which is probably true.

If the argument is about a statement of fact, for example, "remember when we visited place A and you said B?" If you don't recall being at place A, return the conversation to what matters... "I don't recall being at place A, but what's your point?" That refocuses the conversation not on your memory but on what he's trying to say, which is what you two should be discussing.

By the way, I think your situation is very common, where girls often back down from arguments with guys. I think it's because girls bend backwards to be fair while boys grow-up trash talking and having to appear tougher than the next guy.