Saturday, November 22, 2008
I meet an American guy 3 years ago in Spain
Submitted on Friday, November 21, 2008
By Olivia, 27, from California:
I meet an American guy 3 years ago in Spain. I was working there and he was on holiday. We spend a couple of days together with his friends. We meet later on in Italy (he paid for my ticket) and back on Spain for 4 days each.
I went back home to Sweden and he to Germany (he was stationed there at the time). After 9 month I came to visit him in Sacramento for 3 weeks in May and we had a wonderful time and I even meet his son. We planned that I would come back in September but he was called up and had was sent to Iraq, and was stationed overseas for 2 years. And for those 2 years I think I only talked to him twice.
I had a dream to study in the States so I made the decision to move to California to attend community college and to be closer to him. But now I'm here, I haven't got the chance to see him (he is stationed in Texas). So I'm thinking of going back home and get my bachelors degree and then come back and work as a nurse instead. It's really expensive as a international students, it will cost 90,000 dollars. He said to me that I could transfer to a community college in Sacramento and stay in his house but I don't want to be there if he is not there.
I really feel a connection to this guy and he feels like The One. I know that he likes me but I'm not sure if he likes me enough. Sometimes I feel that he doesn't want to commit. He says that he really likes me, that he is crazy about me and that he thinks about me all the time. But it feels that he doesn't make the effort to see me. He has been asking me questions in general like; if I want kids and if I want to get married in the future. He is going to stay in the military for at least 5 more years and I would be finished with my Swedish degree in 5 years, but would he wait for me for 5 years? I asked him if he was dating anyone and he just said that I don't need to worry. The times that we spent together he was been very loving and I can feel that he likes me a lot. He has sometimes trouble talking about feelings but he is good at showing them. But when we talk on the phone he can sometimes feel distance.
Do you think that he likes me enough?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he likes you enough, but most guys really don't like the phone, don't feel comfortable talking about feelings over it, and can appear distant when using that evil contraption. None of that is a reflections of their feelings.
A prolonged long distance relationship, if you decide to give it a shot, won't be easy. As you experienced for two years, the contact could be minimal. Granted, his demands in Iraq I'm sure were much different than in Texas, but still, the lack of physical contact will be a strain.
I don't know what you mean by him not making an effort to see you, but it does sound to me like he's trying to keep this relationship somewhat cool, just going with the flow and seeing where it leads without feeling the need to commit now. Can't say that I blame him. Sounds like a wise option for both of you to follow. If, down the road, when you're both capable of being in the same location, you can decide if you're still The One for each other.
By Olivia, 27, from California:
I meet an American guy 3 years ago in Spain. I was working there and he was on holiday. We spend a couple of days together with his friends. We meet later on in Italy (he paid for my ticket) and back on Spain for 4 days each.
I went back home to Sweden and he to Germany (he was stationed there at the time). After 9 month I came to visit him in Sacramento for 3 weeks in May and we had a wonderful time and I even meet his son. We planned that I would come back in September but he was called up and had was sent to Iraq, and was stationed overseas for 2 years. And for those 2 years I think I only talked to him twice.
I had a dream to study in the States so I made the decision to move to California to attend community college and to be closer to him. But now I'm here, I haven't got the chance to see him (he is stationed in Texas). So I'm thinking of going back home and get my bachelors degree and then come back and work as a nurse instead. It's really expensive as a international students, it will cost 90,000 dollars. He said to me that I could transfer to a community college in Sacramento and stay in his house but I don't want to be there if he is not there.
I really feel a connection to this guy and he feels like The One. I know that he likes me but I'm not sure if he likes me enough. Sometimes I feel that he doesn't want to commit. He says that he really likes me, that he is crazy about me and that he thinks about me all the time. But it feels that he doesn't make the effort to see me. He has been asking me questions in general like; if I want kids and if I want to get married in the future. He is going to stay in the military for at least 5 more years and I would be finished with my Swedish degree in 5 years, but would he wait for me for 5 years? I asked him if he was dating anyone and he just said that I don't need to worry. The times that we spent together he was been very loving and I can feel that he likes me a lot. He has sometimes trouble talking about feelings but he is good at showing them. But when we talk on the phone he can sometimes feel distance.
Do you think that he likes me enough?
VictorM's advice:
I have no idea if he likes you enough, but most guys really don't like the phone, don't feel comfortable talking about feelings over it, and can appear distant when using that evil contraption. None of that is a reflections of their feelings.
A prolonged long distance relationship, if you decide to give it a shot, won't be easy. As you experienced for two years, the contact could be minimal. Granted, his demands in Iraq I'm sure were much different than in Texas, but still, the lack of physical contact will be a strain.
I don't know what you mean by him not making an effort to see you, but it does sound to me like he's trying to keep this relationship somewhat cool, just going with the flow and seeing where it leads without feeling the need to commit now. Can't say that I blame him. Sounds like a wise option for both of you to follow. If, down the road, when you're both capable of being in the same location, you can decide if you're still The One for each other.
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Follow-up comment submitted by Olivia:
He doesn't seem to make the effort to see me. I came to the states in august and everytime we talk on the phone he says something like: we will get togehter soon, i promise, we have to see each other soon and so on. He talk about thanksgiving plus some weekends before that but then he just dissapear and dont return my call. If i for example call him and ask him to call me back, it can take him over a week to get back to me. Is just his way of showing that he doesn't really care and that he just wants to show were we stand?
He doesn't seem to make the effort to see me. I came to the states in august and everytime we talk on the phone he says something like: we will get togehter soon, i promise, we have to see each other soon and so on. He talk about thanksgiving plus some weekends before that but then he just dissapear and dont return my call. If i for example call him and ask him to call me back, it can take him over a week to get back to me. Is just his way of showing that he doesn't really care and that he just wants to show were we stand?
I don't know about his life and what obligations he has, how easy or difficult it is for him to reach a phone.
As I say often, it's not at all uncommon for guys to not place the same importance on phone calls and text messages that girls do, or how long it takes to reply.
But having said that, and unless he's been stranded in the desert, one week does sound like a long time. I don't know if it means he doesn't like you enough and is trying to send that message, but it certainly shows he's not meeting your expectations.
Why would you force a relationship with someone who doesn't share, or at least, isn't responsive to your needs? Why bang your head against this wall?
He's more the guy who doesn't return your calls than he is the guy you spent a few days with in Spain and Italy. This guy is a better indicator of the type of partner he'll be than the guy who was on vacation and having fun.
Look, don't listen to his words -- guys hate to break a girl's heart and make her cry, so they'll say stuff to prevent that. Listen to your gut, to your instincts.
As I say often, it's not at all uncommon for guys to not place the same importance on phone calls and text messages that girls do, or how long it takes to reply.
But having said that, and unless he's been stranded in the desert, one week does sound like a long time. I don't know if it means he doesn't like you enough and is trying to send that message, but it certainly shows he's not meeting your expectations.
Why would you force a relationship with someone who doesn't share, or at least, isn't responsive to your needs? Why bang your head against this wall?
He's more the guy who doesn't return your calls than he is the guy you spent a few days with in Spain and Italy. This guy is a better indicator of the type of partner he'll be than the guy who was on vacation and having fun.
Look, don't listen to his words -- guys hate to break a girl's heart and make her cry, so they'll say stuff to prevent that. Listen to your gut, to your instincts.
But my instinct say that he is worth it. Maybe I am being naive but i truly feels that he is the one for me. But why cant guys be honest? it is better to hurt our feelings down the road? But I guess that I as many others girls many times do see the signs but just ignore them.
But anyway, he called me today. He has been (he says anyway) out in the dessert in texas for 1 1/2 week for some training. He might be stationed in germany, but he dosent know get, kind of depends what Obamna decides, he says.
In general, would a guy be able to have long distance relationship? When you would not be able to see eachother for two times a year. I mean, we would be able to have sex, and what I know so is that very very importent for a guy.
But anyway, he called me today. He has been (he says anyway) out in the dessert in texas for 1 1/2 week for some training. He might be stationed in germany, but he dosent know get, kind of depends what Obamna decides, he says.
In general, would a guy be able to have long distance relationship? When you would not be able to see eachother for two times a year. I mean, we would be able to have sex, and what I know so is that very very importent for a guy.
# posted by 
: 5:41 PM
: 5:41 PM
The question about instinct is not about whether you think he's the one for you, it's whether you think he feels you're the one for him.
Guys and long distance relationships just aren't a good mix. From a guy's point of view, why commit to someone you're barely going to see for years to come?
Guys and long distance relationships just aren't a good mix. From a guy's point of view, why commit to someone you're barely going to see for years to come?
Sometimes I do believe that he thinks that I could be the one for him. I just a feeling that I get. He ask me questions in general if I would like to get married and if i would like to have kids. Does that not mean anything from his part? I will get back home to europe in the end of dec. When I talk to him yesterday ( i have been a litle bit worried that i would not be able to see him before i leave) He said that I dont need to worrie and that he promise that we will se eachother. Does he says these things because he really cares of just to shoot me up? Is it a good a idea to have a serious talk, or can i just scare him away?
# posted by : 12:08 AM
: 12:08 AM
Maybe when he asks if you'd like to get married it isn't because he wants to marry you, maybe it's to know how fast he needs to run away.
Look, you can have a talk with the guy, but I've said it before: if this guy isn't going to see you for another 5 years, and if he simply says "don't worry" when you bring up him dating (meaning, he's not even denying it), I really think you're setting yourself up for disappointment. He's simply not ready to commit to you. I'm not saying he might not at some point, but he's no rush to so it now.
What would a talk accomplish? If you think he's tying himself down for 5 years for you, I think you're wrong. But I don't think a talk will scare him away... the worst that could happen is you won't hear what you want to hear... or you'll hear another non-denial denial, which he's good at.
Look, you can have a talk with the guy, but I've said it before: if this guy isn't going to see you for another 5 years, and if he simply says "don't worry" when you bring up him dating (meaning, he's not even denying it), I really think you're setting yourself up for disappointment. He's simply not ready to commit to you. I'm not saying he might not at some point, but he's no rush to so it now.
What would a talk accomplish? If you think he's tying himself down for 5 years for you, I think you're wrong. But I don't think a talk will scare him away... the worst that could happen is you won't hear what you want to hear... or you'll hear another non-denial denial, which he's good at.
Yea, you are probably right. Why would he wait for me? I guess that dosent make much sense. Even though I would be able to come here during summer and Christmas, i guess that is not enough.
# posted by : 3:52 PM
: 3:52 PM
I'm not saying things may not work out for you two in 5 years. I'm just saying he probably won't want to commit for the duration. He'll want his options open. 5 years is a long time. He could find someone else and so could you. I just don't see him not dating. He probably is now anyway. The "don't worry" answers are not very convincing.
I get it, I totally understand that I am living in a dream world if I think that he will wait for me. Just hard when you really like someone.. But i dont want to loose contact with him, we will probably stay in contact and then i guess we need to see what happends down thw road. Ofcourse i understand that he is dating, i just dont want to think about it.
Thanks.
Thanks.
# posted by : 12:20 AM
: 12:20 AM
Hey.
I need to have your opionion on something. I studied in Califoria last quarter but decided to go back home to Sweden to get my bachelor degree. I lived outside SF for 4 month and this american soldier that I am interested he was stationed in Texas at the time. We tried to get together but he could never get out of Texas. I really wanted to see him before I left and he said that he wanted to see my too. My fligt was at 8am december 27. I got to the airport at 4. At 4,30 he called me and said that he just got to L.A and wondered were I was. I said that i was at SFO airport. And he said that he would try to get there before i left. So he took a flight to Oakland and then rented a car from Oakland to SFO. He got there at 7,35 am so we only had time for a hug and some kisses because my flight was a 8am. So we said good by and a I ran towards the gate. 5 minutes later he called me and said that it was comlicated for him to get to the airport but it was all worth it to see me and that i smelled good.
What does this mean?? Does it mean that he really like me? Why did he make all the trouble to go from L.A to SFO if he dosent like me??
I have been home for a about 1 1/2 month now and he only called me once and that was i been home for a about 5 days.
What do your think, does thus giy like me??
We have talked about that i would come and stay with him 3 weeks in june.
/ Olivia in Sweden
I need to have your opionion on something. I studied in Califoria last quarter but decided to go back home to Sweden to get my bachelor degree. I lived outside SF for 4 month and this american soldier that I am interested he was stationed in Texas at the time. We tried to get together but he could never get out of Texas. I really wanted to see him before I left and he said that he wanted to see my too. My fligt was at 8am december 27. I got to the airport at 4. At 4,30 he called me and said that he just got to L.A and wondered were I was. I said that i was at SFO airport. And he said that he would try to get there before i left. So he took a flight to Oakland and then rented a car from Oakland to SFO. He got there at 7,35 am so we only had time for a hug and some kisses because my flight was a 8am. So we said good by and a I ran towards the gate. 5 minutes later he called me and said that it was comlicated for him to get to the airport but it was all worth it to see me and that i smelled good.
What does this mean?? Does it mean that he really like me? Why did he make all the trouble to go from L.A to SFO if he dosent like me??
I have been home for a about 1 1/2 month now and he only called me once and that was i been home for a about 5 days.
What do your think, does thus giy like me??
We have talked about that i would come and stay with him 3 weeks in june.
/ Olivia in Sweden
# posted by : 3:49 AM
: 3:49 AM
Generally, guys aren't that crazy about using the phone, even with someone they like, but on one hand to fly from LA to see you for a few minutes in SF, and then only call you once in 45 days... that's rather odd.
I know that guys are more physical than girls, that most of us mostly only connect in person, but this guy is taking that attribute to an extreme.
I know that guys are more physical than girls, that most of us mostly only connect in person, but this guy is taking that attribute to an extreme.
Hey.
I really dont understand him.He came to the airport, witch i thought was very nice of him and something that he didnt had to do. He just could have called me and said good by. But then he doest call me back in mounth. When he came to the aitport i took it as a sign that he really like me?? But maybe iam a fool thinking that?
Do you think he like me? Why did he came to the airport when he just could have called me? Why make the effort?
I really dont understand him.He came to the airport, witch i thought was very nice of him and something that he didnt had to do. He just could have called me and said good by. But then he doest call me back in mounth. When he came to the aitport i took it as a sign that he really like me?? But maybe iam a fool thinking that?
Do you think he like me? Why did he came to the airport when he just could have called me? Why make the effort?
# posted by : 3:39 AM
: 3:39 AM
Hey again.
Before I left to back home we did talked about that i might come and stay with him for 3 weeks in june. Because are not a couple or anything, do you think that he might think that he doesnt have or need to call me until may or something.
Somethimes i call him not that often and if he doesnt pick up i usually leave him a message on his cellphone. I usually tell him that i miss him, thinking about him and that i bought some some new swxy underwear for out next get together, is that a stupid thing to say??
Before I left to back home we did talked about that i might come and stay with him for 3 weeks in june. Because are not a couple or anything, do you think that he might think that he doesnt have or need to call me until may or something.
Somethimes i call him not that often and if he doesnt pick up i usually leave him a message on his cellphone. I usually tell him that i miss him, thinking about him and that i bought some some new swxy underwear for out next get together, is that a stupid thing to say??
# posted by : 4:00 AM
: 4:00 AM
It's puzzling...
On one hand, flying to SF sounds like he's really into you. On the other hand, that lack of contact makes it appear that he isn't. I know guys don't like the phone, but heck, a quick hello or responding to you messages sounds like the least he can do.
Regardless... you have to consider, do you really want a man in your life who runs that hot and cold?
You are starting to do the usual female nonsense -- making excuses for him. Maybe this, maybe that. That's silly. Picking up the phone is easy.
On one hand, flying to SF sounds like he's really into you. On the other hand, that lack of contact makes it appear that he isn't. I know guys don't like the phone, but heck, a quick hello or responding to you messages sounds like the least he can do.
Regardless... you have to consider, do you really want a man in your life who runs that hot and cold?
You are starting to do the usual female nonsense -- making excuses for him. Maybe this, maybe that. That's silly. Picking up the phone is easy.
Hey. Thank you for all your good advice. I have finally realize that i need to move on. Iam only 28so i should be out dating, not wating for a guy who doesnt even live on the same continent as me. When i think about it, i feel so silly and stupid. Even though i do like him and maybe we will have a chance in the future but its not our time now. I think maybe i have been living in an illusion, a fantasy. Once in a while he gives me hope, like whe he came to the airport in SFO but then i dont hear from hin in months, iam tired of that. But i also realize its not gonna be easy to move on.
# posted by : 4:14 PM
: 4:14 PM
Hey. I just wanted to ask one more thing about this guy. Last year I studied one quarter in the U.S. I was living about 30 minutes by car south of SF. He has a house in Sacramento but was staioned in Texas at the time. I didnt really like the college that i attended too so i thought about changing. He came up with the idea that i could transfer to sacramento and live in his house. Is that something that he really meant, or was it just something that he said just to be nice. He also said that if i decide to stay in the U.S to study i could always ask him if i needed money. Why would he say that if he didnt like me?? What do you think?
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