Thursday, October 09, 2008
Us being together isn't about sex
Submitted on Tuesday, October 07, 2008
By solarstars, 33, from Portland, Oregon:
Ok there's this guy I have been flirting with over 10 months. We have kissed in the car and had him over to my place once. We have talked for hours about how much we like each other and how us being together isn't about sex. We live in small town so that makes it a little awkward because we have some of the same friends. So the other night a friend of ours saw this guy texting and asked him who it was and he told his guy friend, who really adores me, that is was me. Well, this guy friend said "what are you waiting for? " and that I'm great.The guy I like had been texting me all day and night until I came to meet him late. Once I arrived, he was so glad to see me and said: "I can't believe you're here." Didn't have me do anything cheap and was really concerned about me being happy. He told me he just wanted to kiss but of course it went further than that, this isn't the first time. He went on to tell me that he adores me, stopped to ask me "Do you want..." and changed his question to "Do you think we should be doing this?" And said the other question he was going to ask might have been jumping he gun. We gaze in each others eyes, full on eye contact and he grins from ear to ear and he even asked me "now that you know where I live are you going to come see me?" and if I were the type to get mad if he is late? I remarked "I had better things to do than worry about his whereabouts! and then he asked well it would be nice to know if you cared. I told him I did care. He also talked about going the beach and practicing more sex. He doesn't get real stiff if you know what I mean- he's 39 but in great shape. Probably the beer, I think. He also said his two great loves in life wouldn't do it and asked if I would join the "mile high club" with him. We were on fire for all accounts and yes it seemed a bit scary how much chemistry we have together. So the next day he doesn't test back. Sometimes he comes up with" my phone was fucked up". This is a guy who doesn't check his VM just returns the caller. He has been able to text me all day and all night then nothing after out get togethers, so what gives? All our mutual friends tell me secretly oh he has liked you for so long... he not a player either. I myself am a bit scared because the emotions evoked in the way of chemistry and it's seems mutual. He usually does not come forth with a lot of feeling and he does have a drinking problem and is quite stand offish until he has had a couple. But he always comes back to flirt with me tell me he's tired of being alone and that I look great, and that he was asleep when he got my text's. But he has also told me how he is lonely when he is sober and how he wants to wake up to someone. I just don't understand why he won't text back. If he really cares wouldn't he? Isn't he too old to be playing games? Does he want a clingy girlfriend? I usually ignore his behavior and he comes back to seek me out but we have both admitted out feelings so it would or should be clear. I adore him but am starting to really like him and I think he will hurt me when he doesn't respond to me or ignores me for a day or two. I don't want to rush anything either but he usually is the one who puts the heat on and then takes it off the fire. I don't understand why he so hot and cold. Should I continue to play hard to get? I think I might start to resent this circle replaying. 10 months flirting, last month hot and heavy, will he ever give in? He and everyone else say's he so ready. What's the hold up? Not that I want to marry him but a connection where I can trust he won't hurt me or give me simple respect is what I seek.
By solarstars, 33, from Portland, Oregon:
Ok there's this guy I have been flirting with over 10 months. We have kissed in the car and had him over to my place once. We have talked for hours about how much we like each other and how us being together isn't about sex. We live in small town so that makes it a little awkward because we have some of the same friends. So the other night a friend of ours saw this guy texting and asked him who it was and he told his guy friend, who really adores me, that is was me. Well, this guy friend said "what are you waiting for? " and that I'm great.The guy I like had been texting me all day and night until I came to meet him late. Once I arrived, he was so glad to see me and said: "I can't believe you're here." Didn't have me do anything cheap and was really concerned about me being happy. He told me he just wanted to kiss but of course it went further than that, this isn't the first time. He went on to tell me that he adores me, stopped to ask me "Do you want..." and changed his question to "Do you think we should be doing this?" And said the other question he was going to ask might have been jumping he gun. We gaze in each others eyes, full on eye contact and he grins from ear to ear and he even asked me "now that you know where I live are you going to come see me?" and if I were the type to get mad if he is late? I remarked "I had better things to do than worry about his whereabouts! and then he asked well it would be nice to know if you cared. I told him I did care. He also talked about going the beach and practicing more sex. He doesn't get real stiff if you know what I mean- he's 39 but in great shape. Probably the beer, I think. He also said his two great loves in life wouldn't do it and asked if I would join the "mile high club" with him. We were on fire for all accounts and yes it seemed a bit scary how much chemistry we have together. So the next day he doesn't test back. Sometimes he comes up with" my phone was fucked up". This is a guy who doesn't check his VM just returns the caller. He has been able to text me all day and all night then nothing after out get togethers, so what gives? All our mutual friends tell me secretly oh he has liked you for so long... he not a player either. I myself am a bit scared because the emotions evoked in the way of chemistry and it's seems mutual. He usually does not come forth with a lot of feeling and he does have a drinking problem and is quite stand offish until he has had a couple. But he always comes back to flirt with me tell me he's tired of being alone and that I look great, and that he was asleep when he got my text's. But he has also told me how he is lonely when he is sober and how he wants to wake up to someone. I just don't understand why he won't text back. If he really cares wouldn't he? Isn't he too old to be playing games? Does he want a clingy girlfriend? I usually ignore his behavior and he comes back to seek me out but we have both admitted out feelings so it would or should be clear. I adore him but am starting to really like him and I think he will hurt me when he doesn't respond to me or ignores me for a day or two. I don't want to rush anything either but he usually is the one who puts the heat on and then takes it off the fire. I don't understand why he so hot and cold. Should I continue to play hard to get? I think I might start to resent this circle replaying. 10 months flirting, last month hot and heavy, will he ever give in? He and everyone else say's he so ready. What's the hold up? Not that I want to marry him but a connection where I can trust he won't hurt me or give me simple respect is what I seek.
so confusing !!!
VictorM's advice:
Guys will always text less frequently than women, more so when they're sure about the relationship. Part of it is because women are better at multitasking, part of it is because guys are more practical and text when there's something to say. In any case, this is something that you two should talk about, so that your wants and his are in line.
He's been seeing you for a few months. I don't see what the problem is. Yes, I know, it's not at the pace that you want, but just because things aren't exactly as you'd like, doesn't mean there's anything wrong. Guys are usually in less of a hurry to formalize a relationship.
It's odd to me that you seem more worried about his texting habits than by the fact that he has a drinking problem. Call me crazy, but that sounds upside down.
VictorM's advice:
Guys will always text less frequently than women, more so when they're sure about the relationship. Part of it is because women are better at multitasking, part of it is because guys are more practical and text when there's something to say. In any case, this is something that you two should talk about, so that your wants and his are in line.
He's been seeing you for a few months. I don't see what the problem is. Yes, I know, it's not at the pace that you want, but just because things aren't exactly as you'd like, doesn't mean there's anything wrong. Guys are usually in less of a hurry to formalize a relationship.
It's odd to me that you seem more worried about his texting habits than by the fact that he has a drinking problem. Call me crazy, but that sounds upside down.
Comments:
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Hey thanks vitcor, you are very much right about the drinking, I just thought when a guy adores you hewould at least text back, "had fun" or "goodnight". He has in the past, same pattern though, 5 days later or flirting with me in the bar, also he has always been very lousy at actual calling me. he is very stand offish untill he has had a few.I just want to make sure things are cool, not ackward when we run into each other, I drink too but not daily and it doesnt effect my personal performance in bed.
# posted by 
: 12:48 PM
: 12:48 PM
Alcohol can be a bigger problem for guys than girls when it comes to sexual performance; it actually can impair the flow of blood, so it would be much more noticeable on him.
Anyway... guys not responding when girls want them to, or as often, seems to be a world wide epidemic. If anyone ever invents a vaccine for it, I'll get in line right away.
Anyway... guys not responding when girls want them to, or as often, seems to be a world wide epidemic. If anyone ever invents a vaccine for it, I'll get in line right away.
Victor, thank you so much for advice, it worked Immediately, I back off, he cam on stronger, oh and I think we're nervous around each other and that is way my the blood flow may have been reduced.?
Since them we see each other twice a week, we both are still seeming playing head games, which I want to end, He never comes out and says "I want you to be girlfriend" but we hug, he lays his head on my lap, he makes remarks about the future, and yes alot of the time we have a little to drink or alot,
we have amazing chemistry, he want me to stay the night, text's me things like "I know u like me" but I tell him "are you sure" and at one point when he wasnt responding to me i would write "this doesnt have to be complicated" I would prefer something casual" we can be discreeT,,,,we live in tiny gossip town.
I have also wrote him saying he is sending me mixed signals, doesnt reply or replies off the subject and then when were togther he says " I guess my play hard to get isn't working very well" and that were not really discreet and we laugh about.He is pretty consistent but i still thinks he gets overly intoxicated where he doesn't think being together will be the greatest sex.
So Anyhow, I have a new dilema, Monday and Tuesday of this week without provacation, this guy texts me from 7pm to midnight and I try to end it 10:30 saying "I'm going to sleep" so Tuesday same thing and asks me when can i "fit him in" not sure what that means we always stay long nights together and he say's he doesnt want me to leave at 2:30 in the morning and to stay the night "sleep together" but I have a teenage daughter to get back too.
so on this Tuesday... getting to my question..
"I reply ok tomorrow night works best for me",
His reply was "I have to pur concrete so it might be late, sounds good"
so come 6:30 this guy text's me "off work at the Tav" which is the bar we both frenquent.
bout 7:00 I texted back and told him I was on my way as well as two friend of mine, a married guy and gal but we're are both friends with them. Then I get the text back that he is now at his best buds house less than mile away, this was Tuesday and the world series game was on and both these guys like football alot so I assummed thay would watch it, also these two guy friend are super tight, his best bud at first said " dont date her" he thinks I am high maintence and I dated the town idiot .. but this other guy is no prince, but anyways this guy never texted me back after that one time of telling me where he was out, of course i sent 3 text and tried to call, this guy does have a trac phone so It goes on the blink. This guy seemed so axious, oh and his best bud is often regarded as his "bearded girlfriend" but the guy I want to date has told me he's tired of being alone and that he told his bud he was going to date me and that there is no best bud factor, however this guy went home with me the other night and the night prior and he told me his best bud text him in caps "thanks for ditching me" this best bud of his does have a girlfriend he lives with but she is bartender so always home late late.
My question is would it be normal to ditch me for his guy friend? I was a little hurt that he didnt want to get together after all the flirting?
Does his best bud and I conflict, I want him to feel confident about his guy time but also dont want to wait around for someone or be a pushover.
My girlfriend say's I should pin him down and ask him serious questions, which I do want to do but don't want too rush him either.
Please help I think he is worth the bother, or I seriously need a wake up call.
Since them we see each other twice a week, we both are still seeming playing head games, which I want to end, He never comes out and says "I want you to be girlfriend" but we hug, he lays his head on my lap, he makes remarks about the future, and yes alot of the time we have a little to drink or alot,
we have amazing chemistry, he want me to stay the night, text's me things like "I know u like me" but I tell him "are you sure" and at one point when he wasnt responding to me i would write "this doesnt have to be complicated" I would prefer something casual" we can be discreeT,,,,we live in tiny gossip town.
I have also wrote him saying he is sending me mixed signals, doesnt reply or replies off the subject and then when were togther he says " I guess my play hard to get isn't working very well" and that were not really discreet and we laugh about.He is pretty consistent but i still thinks he gets overly intoxicated where he doesn't think being together will be the greatest sex.
So Anyhow, I have a new dilema, Monday and Tuesday of this week without provacation, this guy texts me from 7pm to midnight and I try to end it 10:30 saying "I'm going to sleep" so Tuesday same thing and asks me when can i "fit him in" not sure what that means we always stay long nights together and he say's he doesnt want me to leave at 2:30 in the morning and to stay the night "sleep together" but I have a teenage daughter to get back too.
so on this Tuesday... getting to my question..
"I reply ok tomorrow night works best for me",
His reply was "I have to pur concrete so it might be late, sounds good"
so come 6:30 this guy text's me "off work at the Tav" which is the bar we both frenquent.
bout 7:00 I texted back and told him I was on my way as well as two friend of mine, a married guy and gal but we're are both friends with them. Then I get the text back that he is now at his best buds house less than mile away, this was Tuesday and the world series game was on and both these guys like football alot so I assummed thay would watch it, also these two guy friend are super tight, his best bud at first said " dont date her" he thinks I am high maintence and I dated the town idiot .. but this other guy is no prince, but anyways this guy never texted me back after that one time of telling me where he was out, of course i sent 3 text and tried to call, this guy does have a trac phone so It goes on the blink. This guy seemed so axious, oh and his best bud is often regarded as his "bearded girlfriend" but the guy I want to date has told me he's tired of being alone and that he told his bud he was going to date me and that there is no best bud factor, however this guy went home with me the other night and the night prior and he told me his best bud text him in caps "thanks for ditching me" this best bud of his does have a girlfriend he lives with but she is bartender so always home late late.
My question is would it be normal to ditch me for his guy friend? I was a little hurt that he didnt want to get together after all the flirting?
Does his best bud and I conflict, I want him to feel confident about his guy time but also dont want to wait around for someone or be a pushover.
My girlfriend say's I should pin him down and ask him serious questions, which I do want to do but don't want too rush him either.
Please help I think he is worth the bother, or I seriously need a wake up call.
# posted by : 12:49 PM
: 12:49 PM
bearded girlfriend... that's funny. :)
A jealous best buddy is a problem. You have to have a talk with your guy about it because these conflicts (between you and the bearded guy) can be a problem unless it's cleared up. I think it's important for you to recognize that his friend his important to him and respect that, but it's also impostant for it to be clear that bearded guy should now take a back seat.
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A jealous best buddy is a problem. You have to have a talk with your guy about it because these conflicts (between you and the bearded guy) can be a problem unless it's cleared up. I think it's important for you to recognize that his friend his important to him and respect that, but it's also impostant for it to be clear that bearded guy should now take a back seat.
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