Tuesday, October 28, 2008
It's been about 3 months
Submitted on Saturday, October 25, 2008
By Liza, 28, from Kansas City:
Hey Victor, thanks in advance for any advice you give. I have known this man "G" for about 6 months. He asked me out a few times, and we talk on the phone usually a few times a week. Well it's been about 3 months since we actually did anything together. He seems to still like me--but what seemed so easy for him initially-to ask me out--now seems like he is stumbling and awkward about it. He never speaks about his intentions, and we are never physical when we do see eachother, so I often wonder, does he just want to be friends? Or is he just afraid to quit calling me (we have mutual friends) despite the fact he is no longer interested? What also bothers me is that when he often calls, usually its very late in the day--nine, ten PM sometimes. Almost like he deliberately calls late so I can't suggest that we get together. When I call him earlier in the day, sometimes it seems he blows me off and says he'll call me back later. Which sometimes he doesn't even do. He seems to have a full life and he works alot of hours. I don't know if his busy life may explain his apparent lack of interest? Other times we spend 2, 3 hours on the phone and it seems we get along so great. When I got frustrated with him a few weeks ago and acted a bit cold toward him, he told me how upset he had gotten thinking he had offended me. I told him then that I don't know his intentions, but that I really like him. He said he liked me too, but I wasn't sure how enthused he was when he said it. He said he had been told by other women in the past he is a bad communicator. Well what gives? The behavior has not changed since our talk. Is he disinterested or just incapable of having a solid relationship? I would hate to tell him to go away--I think there is real potential here. But at times I get so frustrated I could scream.
VictorM's advice:
He could very well be over you but still talk from time to time so he's not the one to break things off with you and come across as the bad guy to you and your mutual friends. It's not uncommon at all for guys to maintain this behavior hoping that you're the one that break off with him. Also, he may very well just enjoy talking from time to time with you but not be interested in more.
Come on, let's face it. Three months without doing something together, calling you very late and sometimes not at all... these are clear signs that there is no potential. You're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.
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I hate to say it, but i am juuust coming out of a situation NEAR EXACT to yours...he's not interested. Not in anything serious with you anyways. He sounds just like the guy i was dealing with for about a year. He is keeping you around because....well basically....he probably finds you attractive and fun to be with....and if at some point he can get physical benefits from you, fine....but he doesn't have any EMOTIONAL attatchment. and although he may like you to a degree, he is not PASSIONATE or CRAZY (in a good way) about you. But he probably hasn't found anyone better than you yet so in his mind he figures he will keep you around on the backburner until someone better comes his way. That's what happened with me and my guy...he finally met a girl he liked MORE and started acting like an ass to me. I think like Victor said, this was his way of getting me to dump him since he was too much of a coward to tell me he had lost interest. So anyhow, he did eventually muster up SOME balls and tell me he didnt want to be EXCLUSIVE with me anymore...He didnt admit to having met the "someone better" yet...but when he told me he didnt want us to be exclusive anymore, I told him i was done and asked him not to contact me anymore....The VERY NEXT DAY, he was on a date with another girl....and he's been dating a few other girls since then.(i see it all on facebook)....so basically, i hate to say it but i think youre just some one to kill time with til he meets someone he likes more...but until he does...you'll do. he keeps you around not because he has any feelings for you but..hell...you dont SUCK....i mean you're better than NOTHING for the moment and he probably doesnt want to be alone. So in his mind, even if youre not ultimately the girl he wants he keeps you around...because if he's lonely or bored...youre there. If he needs a date somewhere...you'll go. And probably at some point, if his DICK gets as lonely as HE does...you may be able to fix that too. Sorry to be crude about it...but its EXACTLY what happened to ME. You are his BACK UP PLAN. I KNOOOOOW that sucks from my own experience. The good news is you can leave him NOW only months into it, if you want to...bc lets face it, this relationship the 2 of you have isn't going to work out is it? It's not. :( I let my situation go on for A YEAR, before getting the hell out. And during that time i COULD have been out meeting other guys and doing other fun things instead of wasting my time on a guy that in my heart i knew wasn't totally in love with me. I finally have unfriended him on facebook, and blocked him on aim, told him not to contact me anymore. All he can offer now is upset. SO i have just decided to be done with it and you should too. Honestly, wouldnt you rather be with a guy who's totally into you, rather than one whos basically just half-assing it with you and not putting in the full effort things between the 2 of u deserve? Think about it. You HAVE to know that if you do cut him out of your life...he will likely come back if things dont work out with others...remember...thats because you are his FALL BACK plan. not because he cares about you...but bc if he has nothing better going with someone else, or things between him and someone else dont work out...he knows he can fall back on you until something else. You can take control by not allowing that. He uses you as his fallback because he knows he can. If you leave him and dont go back, he can no longer use you in that way.
# posted by 
: 6:50 PM
: 6:50 PM
Real potential =
1. Seems to blow me off
2. Only calls me late
3. Bad communicator
4. 3 months since we've done anything together
5. I suspect he deliberately calls late so I won't suggest we get together
6. Doesn't call me back when he says he will
7. Didn't sound enthusiastic when he told me he liked me
8. Behavior doesn't change after communication
9. I get so frustrated, I could scream
After reading this, do you still see real potential? As you may notice, there isn't anything here that isn't in your own letter.
There is NO potential. As anonymous previously posted; you are his fall back. It's up to you to determine how you let this guy treat you. He is not interested, he's just not going to be the one to tell you to go away because it seems men have a difficult time being the bad guy. So, do him a favor, cut him loose and show him you respect yourself.
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1. Seems to blow me off
2. Only calls me late
3. Bad communicator
4. 3 months since we've done anything together
5. I suspect he deliberately calls late so I won't suggest we get together
6. Doesn't call me back when he says he will
7. Didn't sound enthusiastic when he told me he liked me
8. Behavior doesn't change after communication
9. I get so frustrated, I could scream
After reading this, do you still see real potential? As you may notice, there isn't anything here that isn't in your own letter.
There is NO potential. As anonymous previously posted; you are his fall back. It's up to you to determine how you let this guy treat you. He is not interested, he's just not going to be the one to tell you to go away because it seems men have a difficult time being the bad guy. So, do him a favor, cut him loose and show him you respect yourself.
# posted by : 8:35 PM
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