Submitted on Friday, September 19, 2008
By elaine, 22, from ca:

My ex and I have just recently broken up. We had been together for two and a half years, lived together, and have shared everything with each other. It was very serious, we lived with each other, had various ups and downs when he lied, but overall he's made it out like this is the best relationship he's had. The past few months have been difficult trying to find a new place to move, and he has been inflexible. We have been bickering because we don't want to live here anymore, we no longer live in the same house, and we have too much free time. I broke up with him because I felt he wasn't hearing my side of things anymore, and was getting a big ego about what he has to do for his career. The truth of it is, he doesn't have a career just yet, and does the minimal to promote himself. I feel like it's a little delusional, though I keep that to myself. I told him, I just think he's not willing to compromise.. He became horribly depressed (as he is inclined to do) and I began to miss him so I tried to talk to him and work things out. He was so hopeless about everything that he could barely function. I went away for a few days and came back under the agreement that we would work things out. He blamed me for a lot of things, and I just took it and said I would work my hardest on them. He began to warm back up saying he loved me more than ever. We began making arrangements to move to one city of my choice and one of his, but he kept dragging his feet and I was doing all the work. This is not uncommon behavior for him, but still it was a red flag. I literally had to drag the truth out of him. He wanted to move by himself, even though I would have moved to the city he wanted. I took a week away from talking to him.. he tried calling the first three days and stopped. After a week and a half I got together and talked to him. I said I realized we were going in different directions, and the break up meant an exciting time for both of us. I said I had no hard feelings, and I just needed time alone to sort it all out. Unfortunately, he began making gestures that were very sweet, he said how much he loves me and will always love me, and eventually tried to escalate things sexually. All of which I declined... I could tell he felt rejected and pulled back a little by the end of the night. He was no longer saying how wonderful I was. I asked him if he would like to still stay in contact and talk, and he turned the question back to me.. I assume he didn't want to put himself out there anymore. I said I would like to talk to him, to which he agreed. We ended the night. He said, see you later, and I said the same. It's been two days, and I figured he may feel a little embarrassed, so I sent him a funny article to break the ice and say, "I don't think you're pathetic." I don't understand the mixed signals and the murky reason he gave me at the last break.

VictorM's advice:

You can't expect someone who's going through a difficult time to exhibit rational behavior. What you're experiencing from him aren't mixed signals, they're signs of confusion, pain, depression, uncertainty, doubt, etc. Basically, forget all that he says or does for a while because very little of it is a reflection of rational thought.

But what are you doing with the little funny comments and seeking him out? You aren't helping either him or you. If you're going to break-up and look at it as exciting times, start acting like it. Start living your life and looking out for your happiness. Trust me, in time, he will do the same thing, quicker if you stop "helping" him.

Your assessment that he can't function is wrong. He can, and he will. You may be a wonderful person, but there are over 3 billion men going about their lives and staying on their feet without your help. This guy will too.