Thursday, September 18, 2008
He doesn’t have anyone to play tennis
Submitted on Monday, September 15, 2008
By Gracie, 25, from Florida:
Hi Victor. I've been reading your advice to others and here's hoping you can give me your opinion about this sitation.
I've known this guy for just over 10 years (since high school, we're both 25 now). Back at school we used to flirt all the time and we went to the school dance together but nothing ever happened between us. At school I had this stupid crush on an older guy and he knew about it, so I think he thought he never stood a chance. After we graduated from high school I saw him at friends' birthdays a few times and each time we ended up talking and flirting just like old times. About 4 years ago at one of these parties he spent the whole night talking to me and afterwards suggested he give me a call if one of his friends has a get together. I didn’t get the hint that he was probably after my number and again nothing happened.
I saw him again the other night at a mutual friend's dinner and it was like old times again, talking and flirting. We didn't get to spend much time alone but when I was about to leave he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a really tight hug (all he ever did before is say bye and maybe wave). During the night he asked me if I go out much and how he doesn’t have anyone to play tennis with (we played together at school). Was that another hint?
I don't know if he ever liked me but I have this feeling that he did. Is there a chance he still does? And if he does why would he never have done anything about it? Rejection perhaps, as I never seem to take the hint? He's single and I really like him. I know if I wait for him it will never happen! I was thinking to ask him if he wanted to play tennis sometimes. What do you think? I don't want to be too forward but I need to do something about this now or it will haunt me forever.
VictorM's advice:
Dear lord, Gracie, what does this guy have to do, hit you over the head with a mallet and drag you into his condo?
He's tried to get your number and ask you to play tennis. And it went right over your head. Since his questions were so obvious it wouldn't surprise me if he thinks you're not interested, so his cautious approach remains cautions. Give him a sign, a green light, for crying out loud! Pick up the phone and call him. Now! Stop reading. Call him!
There's something called a "memory imprint," which is a way of us many years later still operating under the same impression as a long time ago. In this case, in high school, you liked someone else and he never thought he stood a chance. That's the imprint. He's still operating under that imprint, hence his cautious approach with you. But he likes you. He really likes you.
By the way, his technique of asking is what I often suggest to people who are afraid of rejection. That is, offer the opportunity to have the other person volunteer their company (or phone number) without asking for it specifically. He and I must have read the same book. :)
By Gracie, 25, from Florida:
Hi Victor. I've been reading your advice to others and here's hoping you can give me your opinion about this sitation.
I've known this guy for just over 10 years (since high school, we're both 25 now). Back at school we used to flirt all the time and we went to the school dance together but nothing ever happened between us. At school I had this stupid crush on an older guy and he knew about it, so I think he thought he never stood a chance. After we graduated from high school I saw him at friends' birthdays a few times and each time we ended up talking and flirting just like old times. About 4 years ago at one of these parties he spent the whole night talking to me and afterwards suggested he give me a call if one of his friends has a get together. I didn’t get the hint that he was probably after my number and again nothing happened.
I saw him again the other night at a mutual friend's dinner and it was like old times again, talking and flirting. We didn't get to spend much time alone but when I was about to leave he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a really tight hug (all he ever did before is say bye and maybe wave). During the night he asked me if I go out much and how he doesn’t have anyone to play tennis with (we played together at school). Was that another hint?
I don't know if he ever liked me but I have this feeling that he did. Is there a chance he still does? And if he does why would he never have done anything about it? Rejection perhaps, as I never seem to take the hint? He's single and I really like him. I know if I wait for him it will never happen! I was thinking to ask him if he wanted to play tennis sometimes. What do you think? I don't want to be too forward but I need to do something about this now or it will haunt me forever.
VictorM's advice:
Dear lord, Gracie, what does this guy have to do, hit you over the head with a mallet and drag you into his condo?
He's tried to get your number and ask you to play tennis. And it went right over your head. Since his questions were so obvious it wouldn't surprise me if he thinks you're not interested, so his cautious approach remains cautions. Give him a sign, a green light, for crying out loud! Pick up the phone and call him. Now! Stop reading. Call him!
There's something called a "memory imprint," which is a way of us many years later still operating under the same impression as a long time ago. In this case, in high school, you liked someone else and he never thought he stood a chance. That's the imprint. He's still operating under that imprint, hence his cautious approach with you. But he likes you. He really likes you.
By the way, his technique of asking is what I often suggest to people who are afraid of rejection. That is, offer the opportunity to have the other person volunteer their company (or phone number) without asking for it specifically. He and I must have read the same book. :)
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Follow-up comment by Gracie:
It’s Gracie from Florida who couldn’t take a hint. Remember tennis? Your advice was the slap in the face I needed to get me to do something. You really know what you’re talking about!
So anyway, I emailed the guy and suggested we play tennis sometimes when his lacrosse season ends (I didn't have his number). I also gave him my number. He replied the next day, said that tennis was a good idea, he has one more lacrosse game left, gave me his number and asked where I want to play. A day later I replied to him and suggested a venue and then asked him when he’s free.
It’s been almost 5 days and he hasn’t gotten back to me. I want to stay patient and calm but I am seriously going to lose it here. I was so convinced that he was interested (and you thought so too from the info I gave you) so what the hell is going on now? I forgot to mention to you last time, but when we last saw each other, I bumped into him on the street on the way to the restaurant where we were meeting the others for dinner. I mentioned that we were both late and also walking in together and he joked that we’ll just tell the others we’re dating now.
Should I just forget it? We’ve known each other for so long and I don’t want to just let it go over something like this but I am so frustrated now. I don’t want to call or text him because I don’t want to be annoying and pushy. Should I just wait? How long before I should just let it go?
It’s Gracie from Florida who couldn’t take a hint. Remember tennis? Your advice was the slap in the face I needed to get me to do something. You really know what you’re talking about!
So anyway, I emailed the guy and suggested we play tennis sometimes when his lacrosse season ends (I didn't have his number). I also gave him my number. He replied the next day, said that tennis was a good idea, he has one more lacrosse game left, gave me his number and asked where I want to play. A day later I replied to him and suggested a venue and then asked him when he’s free.
It’s been almost 5 days and he hasn’t gotten back to me. I want to stay patient and calm but I am seriously going to lose it here. I was so convinced that he was interested (and you thought so too from the info I gave you) so what the hell is going on now? I forgot to mention to you last time, but when we last saw each other, I bumped into him on the street on the way to the restaurant where we were meeting the others for dinner. I mentioned that we were both late and also walking in together and he joked that we’ll just tell the others we’re dating now.
Should I just forget it? We’ve known each other for so long and I don’t want to just let it go over something like this but I am so frustrated now. I don’t want to call or text him because I don’t want to be annoying and pushy. Should I just wait? How long before I should just let it go?
It's possible he just doesn't want to appear too eager (still operating under the same imprint), or that he's waiting to find an opportune time to call back with a specific date and time to play.
I would suggest that you sent him a humorous little message to prompt a response. Something like: "Hey, are you still alive or just afraid to get your ass kicked at tennis? :)"
It is entirely possible that he's not as interested in you as it appeared, but there's nothing to gain by jumping to that conclusion. Five days sounds like an eternity to a female, but only minutes to a guy.
I would suggest that you sent him a humorous little message to prompt a response. Something like: "Hey, are you still alive or just afraid to get your ass kicked at tennis? :)"
It is entirely possible that he's not as interested in you as it appeared, but there's nothing to gain by jumping to that conclusion. Five days sounds like an eternity to a female, but only minutes to a guy.
Follow-up comment by Gracie:
It's me again Victor and I'm stuck again!
Thanks so much for all the help, you’re the only one who tells it like it is…seriously. So I messaged the guy, asked how the lacrosse went and asked if he’s scared to face me on the court :). He responded, told me how he won some prizes at lacrosse for best of the season and so on (was he trying to impress me?), and then says he still intends to play but is busy this weekend so 'maybe' the weekend after. I don’t know why but I was so upset at that message…it just made me realize that he’s probably not interested. I figure if he was he would want to get together sooner. So I told him that next week is fine and to get in touch with me. I have a feeling that he won’t. And I can’t keep asking because that would just be stupid and annoying.
What doesn’t make sense are all the suggestive comments he’s made the whole time I’ve known him and even his past attempts to ask me out, and most recently the joke about us dating. Why would he have agreed to get together so eagerly and then suddenly decide to back off? (And just in case you’re wondering, he’s single…something he mentioned at the dinner as well!)
But listen to this: the way I got to see him again was by messaging his best friend who eventually invited me to the dinner (his friend is a lot more outgoing than he so it was easier to talk to him even though I don’t know his friend that well at all, we just went to school together). Before the invite came, his friend kept messaging me for about a week each night after work – nothing flirty but just chit chat. When I and ‘my’ guy arrived at the dinner together his friend had a confused/disappointed look on his face. I spent the whole time with ‘my’ guy and his friend tried to talk to me at one point but I wasn’t too interested, I was polite and kept the conversation going though. After the dinner I messaged his friend to thank him for the invite and to let him know that I’d like to see the group again when they get together. I never heard back from him. A girl friend of mine suggested that perhaps his friend was interested in me and 'my' guy has now backed off for this reason. Is this plausible? If so, what can I do about it?
I really like this guy and I had a strong feeling he liked me too. I just don’t know if I should try and forget it or hang in there a bit longer to see if he comes through. I’ve known him for so long and I don’t want to let go that easily.
I was thinking I will wait it out a bit, see if he comes through and makes plans to see me, but that eventually if nothing happens I will have to tell him how I feel. I know it may not be the best of ideas but I figure I have nothing to lose by telling him and I won’t have to wonder what if for the rest of my life.
All my friends suck at giving proper advice so your wisdom is greatly appreciated.
It's me again Victor and I'm stuck again!
Thanks so much for all the help, you’re the only one who tells it like it is…seriously. So I messaged the guy, asked how the lacrosse went and asked if he’s scared to face me on the court :). He responded, told me how he won some prizes at lacrosse for best of the season and so on (was he trying to impress me?), and then says he still intends to play but is busy this weekend so 'maybe' the weekend after. I don’t know why but I was so upset at that message…it just made me realize that he’s probably not interested. I figure if he was he would want to get together sooner. So I told him that next week is fine and to get in touch with me. I have a feeling that he won’t. And I can’t keep asking because that would just be stupid and annoying.
What doesn’t make sense are all the suggestive comments he’s made the whole time I’ve known him and even his past attempts to ask me out, and most recently the joke about us dating. Why would he have agreed to get together so eagerly and then suddenly decide to back off? (And just in case you’re wondering, he’s single…something he mentioned at the dinner as well!)
But listen to this: the way I got to see him again was by messaging his best friend who eventually invited me to the dinner (his friend is a lot more outgoing than he so it was easier to talk to him even though I don’t know his friend that well at all, we just went to school together). Before the invite came, his friend kept messaging me for about a week each night after work – nothing flirty but just chit chat. When I and ‘my’ guy arrived at the dinner together his friend had a confused/disappointed look on his face. I spent the whole time with ‘my’ guy and his friend tried to talk to me at one point but I wasn’t too interested, I was polite and kept the conversation going though. After the dinner I messaged his friend to thank him for the invite and to let him know that I’d like to see the group again when they get together. I never heard back from him. A girl friend of mine suggested that perhaps his friend was interested in me and 'my' guy has now backed off for this reason. Is this plausible? If so, what can I do about it?
I really like this guy and I had a strong feeling he liked me too. I just don’t know if I should try and forget it or hang in there a bit longer to see if he comes through. I’ve known him for so long and I don’t want to let go that easily.
I was thinking I will wait it out a bit, see if he comes through and makes plans to see me, but that eventually if nothing happens I will have to tell him how I feel. I know it may not be the best of ideas but I figure I have nothing to lose by telling him and I won’t have to wonder what if for the rest of my life.
All my friends suck at giving proper advice so your wisdom is greatly appreciated.
A girl friend of mine suggested that perhaps his friend was interested in me and 'my' guy has now backed off for this reason. Is this plausible? If so, what can I do about it?
Not only do I think it's plausible, I think it's likely.
Another possibility is that he had a yearning for your attention, stemming back to high school, and the moment he's detected your interest in him that's enough reason to feel vindicated and consider it "mission accomplished."
But anyway, if he's concerned about his friend liking you as well, believe me, if he likes you, it won't stop him. Guys aren't as deterred by that as girls.
If he feels he no longer has anything to prove and lost interest, you'll know that if he cancels again.
Give him until next weekend and if the tennis date does take place, you can gauge his level of interest then. If he cancels again... well, I think you'd have to accept that he's not interested as it appeared.
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Not only do I think it's plausible, I think it's likely.
Another possibility is that he had a yearning for your attention, stemming back to high school, and the moment he's detected your interest in him that's enough reason to feel vindicated and consider it "mission accomplished."
But anyway, if he's concerned about his friend liking you as well, believe me, if he likes you, it won't stop him. Guys aren't as deterred by that as girls.
If he feels he no longer has anything to prove and lost interest, you'll know that if he cancels again.
Give him until next weekend and if the tennis date does take place, you can gauge his level of interest then. If he cancels again... well, I think you'd have to accept that he's not interested as it appeared.
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