The strange thing has been that we would spend a weekend together and have a great time and there would obviously be a lot of energy between us and nothing negative and lots of laughter and enjoyment and good conversation...but then two days later after he returns home I get a fearful email that basically says ..."this is not going to work, sorry,....".. he disappears for a while, will not talk about it and then reappears a few weeks later and begins writing again short emails and wanting to just be friends.

The guy is a very sensitive somewhat shy man. At first I was really hurt. Then I tried not to take it personal and just realized he is afraid. I like him a lot so I would stay friends and write him on email. I had strong feelings for him and so I also was under the illusion he might come back...and he did over and over and over....but the same kind of email or conversation would always follow after a great weekend together and he would not talk it out.

My girlfriends say he was using me and lying..probably had a gal up North and probably just breaks up after the weekend so he's free up there to date others. He's on that match.com thing and we can see that he stays on it. He claims that it is just a "bad habit" and he doesn't really date any of them but writes some of them.

He's a counselor with a Master's and he is in a recovery program and should know better than to disrespect a woman and play around....and I want to believe he is an honest man... but perhaps I'm being Polyanna. Is this a common pattern that I've been lucky enough not to encounter in the good men I've been with in the past?? or does this guy just sound scared to death to you like he does me. and has a serious problem with the real deal...wants to find a woman he can stay more distant from. I see right through him and i think it scares the hell out of him.

Currently he's on the off and I have told him a few months ago that the back and forth was killin me. I challenged his behaviors and said I think he is a wonderful man and I love being with him but that he seems to be afraid of a real relationship and not want to get off of match and be focused on one woman....and that I had to focus elsewhere but would stay his friend. We've written since then and not seen each other. interestingly, while i've been able to make the shift to seeing him as a friend even though there are still feelings there....he can't seem to do it and it seems like now we are going to stop writing, etc.

any insights would be appreciated.

VictorM's advice:

Fear is not the issue; the real issue is one that you're blindly avoiding: he's not into you as a relationship kinda woman. Sure, he enjoys your company, you're fun, he likes being with you from time to time, but you don't set his loins of fire. It's just that simple.

He may very well be telling the truth about not dating women from match.com, but he continues to look because whatever he's seeking, he didn't find in you.

Staying friends with someone you have feelings but those feelings are not reciprocated is a mistake. If and when he finds the woman he's looking for, you'll feel nothing but pain and disappointment. Meanwhile... he may be back again, but he won't stay.

And your friends are wrong about him using you. He's been clear with you about what he wants. You see him over and over of your own free will. In fact, one may argue that you're the one using him, hoping that allowing him back into your life will make him stay. At least when he spends time with you, he has no ulterior motive; you do.