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Wednesday, June 18, 2008
I have almost no experience with men
Submitted on Friday, June 13, 2008
By Nina, 23, from USA:
Hi Victor,
I love this website and really respect your advice. I would appreciate your thoughts on my 'never been kissed' dilemma.
I am an attractive independent woman with a successful career and active vibrant social life, however, I have almost no experience with men. Due to a variety of reasons (strict asian parents, too career focused), I have never really dated. Now that I am independent of my parents, I would like to date, and, hopefully be in a caring relationship someday.
My problem is not that I have difficulty getting dates, but that I am unsure what to tell the men I date about my level of experience, particularly when it comes to the physical aspect. I really have zero experience (I've never been kissed) - should I 'come clean' and tell this to a man I start dating or do I let him simply I assume I have, like a more normal 23 year old, been kissed at some point? I'm worried about telling my date I've never been kissed for fear that he may think I'm a loser/ weirdo for this (also, how to work something like this into conversation!) but I'm also worried that if I'm not explicit about my lack of experience, he may think I'm just a bad kisser for no reason and no longer be interested in me. What do you think?
Thank you!
VictorM's advice:
Your sexual past, or lack of it, is not anyone's business and you shouldn't have to discuss it with any guy. If, however, you choose to do so, I would suggest you not do it too soon. Do it when you know the guy better and your relationship has advanced beyond the initial few dates.
Even without ever kissing, I can tell you with much certainty, that you are already a better kisser than most males out there. So when the right time comes, pucker up and do it -- you'll be just fine.
Now, I'm also going to assume that if you get further than kissing, you are doing so because you have established some relationship with the guy. And any guy worth your time should be a guy that fully understands your situation and deals with it with care. If he's not, kiss his ignorant ass goodbye.
But to ease your mind, let me tell you that most guys would cut off an arm to be with a virgin. Purge from your mind any idea that guys would look down upon you for being a virgin. Quite the opposite -- they'll build you a pedestal! Don't believe me? I ask you, when terrorists seek suicide bombers, do they promise them 72 "been around the block a lot" girls in paradise? No! They get 72 brand spanking new virgins!
Do not let your inexperience be an issue because it won't be for the right guy!
By Nina, 23, from USA:
Hi Victor,
I love this website and really respect your advice. I would appreciate your thoughts on my 'never been kissed' dilemma.
I am an attractive independent woman with a successful career and active vibrant social life, however, I have almost no experience with men. Due to a variety of reasons (strict asian parents, too career focused), I have never really dated. Now that I am independent of my parents, I would like to date, and, hopefully be in a caring relationship someday.
My problem is not that I have difficulty getting dates, but that I am unsure what to tell the men I date about my level of experience, particularly when it comes to the physical aspect. I really have zero experience (I've never been kissed) - should I 'come clean' and tell this to a man I start dating or do I let him simply I assume I have, like a more normal 23 year old, been kissed at some point? I'm worried about telling my date I've never been kissed for fear that he may think I'm a loser/ weirdo for this (also, how to work something like this into conversation!) but I'm also worried that if I'm not explicit about my lack of experience, he may think I'm just a bad kisser for no reason and no longer be interested in me. What do you think?
Thank you!
VictorM's advice:
Your sexual past, or lack of it, is not anyone's business and you shouldn't have to discuss it with any guy. If, however, you choose to do so, I would suggest you not do it too soon. Do it when you know the guy better and your relationship has advanced beyond the initial few dates.
Even without ever kissing, I can tell you with much certainty, that you are already a better kisser than most males out there. So when the right time comes, pucker up and do it -- you'll be just fine.
Now, I'm also going to assume that if you get further than kissing, you are doing so because you have established some relationship with the guy. And any guy worth your time should be a guy that fully understands your situation and deals with it with care. If he's not, kiss his ignorant ass goodbye.
But to ease your mind, let me tell you that most guys would cut off an arm to be with a virgin. Purge from your mind any idea that guys would look down upon you for being a virgin. Quite the opposite -- they'll build you a pedestal! Don't believe me? I ask you, when terrorists seek suicide bombers, do they promise them 72 "been around the block a lot" girls in paradise? No! They get 72 brand spanking new virgins!
Do not let your inexperience be an issue because it won't be for the right guy!
Comments:
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If it makes you feel any better, I am 26 and have just kissed a guy for the first time recently, and for very similar reasons. I did not tell the guy he was my first, and prior to the kiss he never really inquired about it. I don't think it's as rare as you think, rather people with little experience rarely admit to it for like you said, fear of people thinking they are a weirdo...My friend is 24 and has never been kissed either. And both of us are very attractive (me met because we work at the same MODELING company, so we are obviously not ugly...), we are both intelligent (Both college graduates, I am a teacher)...we both have active social lives and lots of friends...going out every single weekend...and we both have many male friends also...We do also both get asked out very often by guys and date casually. I personally was raised in a strict upbringing, so wasn't allowed to date til later than the norm, and am in addition very shy, and active at work.
# posted by 
: 6:56 PM
: 6:56 PM
Cutting off an arm is a painting it a little thick, don't you think? Muslim men may want virgins, but do American men want to have to put the training wheels on if they've already been around the block a few times themselves? Most don't have the patience. I think it's a case a liking the "idea" of a woman being a virgin more than actually wanting to be with one sexually.
# posted by : 12:11 AM
: 12:11 AM
You'd be surprised Princess...You really would....A guy finds out I am a virgin (well im not anymore, but when I was)...and all of a sudden, that guy would be on A FULL BLOWN mission to get me in bed with him. So many guys have said it is a MAJOR turn on for them. That it's respectable, and hot all at the same time.And this is out of their male mouths, not mine.
# posted by : 12:44 AM
: 12:44 AM
And Victor said so too...and he's another male perspective, so the pattern here is basically implying that guys do find virgins sexually attractive...
And Ha...your implication that a virgin needs a guy to put the training wheels on is ridiculous. Believe me, when I lost my virginity at 26...I did NOT need any assistance with pleasing the guy. It was great, not awkward or clumsy.
And Ha...your implication that a virgin needs a guy to put the training wheels on is ridiculous. Believe me, when I lost my virginity at 26...I did NOT need any assistance with pleasing the guy. It was great, not awkward or clumsy.
# posted by : 12:47 AM
: 12:47 AM
Hey anonymous,
Maybe that guy was on a "full blown mission" because, as Victor has said plenty of times, men love a challenge. And getting a virgin into bed is just defeating any other guy who has tried to get in your pants and winning the metal. Now, I'm not saying that that's the reason why he tried very hard with you, because I'm sure you're a great girl, I'm just saying that possibly in the back of their minds they're more interested because it's a challenge and not because they find being a virgin attractive.
But, I'm just throwing out another perspective. I'm not saying that it's right or wrong.
And Nina, PS - even though you're older and haven't had your first kiss, you will be fine at it. Just relax when it does happen. It's sort of a natural thing to be able to kiss ;)
Maybe that guy was on a "full blown mission" because, as Victor has said plenty of times, men love a challenge. And getting a virgin into bed is just defeating any other guy who has tried to get in your pants and winning the metal. Now, I'm not saying that that's the reason why he tried very hard with you, because I'm sure you're a great girl, I'm just saying that possibly in the back of their minds they're more interested because it's a challenge and not because they find being a virgin attractive.
But, I'm just throwing out another perspective. I'm not saying that it's right or wrong.
And Nina, PS - even though you're older and haven't had your first kiss, you will be fine at it. Just relax when it does happen. It's sort of a natural thing to be able to kiss ;)
# posted by : 12:00 PM
: 12:00 PM
Believe me, when I lost my virginity at 26...I did NOT need any assistance with pleasing the guy.
I meant putting on the training wheels to make sure that YOU receive pleasure from intercourse, not the guy. And please, pleasuring a guy is easy. A little sucky fucky and they're in heaven.
A guy finds out I am a virgin (well im not anymore, but when I was)
Therein lies the problem. You're only a virgin once. And the next time it's "well, I've only been with one other guy" and then "well, you're my third" and on an on until what...guys don't want to be with you anymore because you're a "slut?"
As I said before, guys just like the "idea" of a virgin -- they get a huge ego boost from being the first dick in your pussy. Nothing more, nothing less.
So fuck the pedestal. Virginity is overrated ladies. My best advice is to get rid of it asap. It's not like guys won't stop trying to get in your pants after you've been poked a few times. Sheesh.
I meant putting on the training wheels to make sure that YOU receive pleasure from intercourse, not the guy. And please, pleasuring a guy is easy. A little sucky fucky and they're in heaven.
A guy finds out I am a virgin (well im not anymore, but when I was)
Therein lies the problem. You're only a virgin once. And the next time it's "well, I've only been with one other guy" and then "well, you're my third" and on an on until what...guys don't want to be with you anymore because you're a "slut?"
As I said before, guys just like the "idea" of a virgin -- they get a huge ego boost from being the first dick in your pussy. Nothing more, nothing less.
So fuck the pedestal. Virginity is overrated ladies. My best advice is to get rid of it asap. It's not like guys won't stop trying to get in your pants after you've been poked a few times. Sheesh.
# posted by : 3:35 PM
: 3:35 PM
Nina, based on Victor's whole "cut the arm off" comment, do NOT tell anyone you date that you're a virgin. Because then you'll never know whether they will continue to date you just to get your cherry (the mission) or if they really like you.
Keep it to yourself, girl.
Keep it to yourself, girl.
# posted by : 3:41 PM
: 3:41 PM
It was not actually one guy that found it extremly attractive and went on this "full blown mission" to get in my pants...It was about 4or 5 until I actually met a guy I loved and lost it to him.
# posted by : 1:39 AM
: 1:39 AM
So it was 4 or 5 tomcats that were yowling and prowling after your virgin pussy instead of 1. Numbers make no difference. They were ALL on a mission.
# posted by : 5:51 PM
: 5:51 PM
Yes, Princess knows exactly what I was saying. It's a challenge - guys LOVE a challenge. Whether they succeed or fail doesn't matter, they still like to try (and if they do succeed then it's a bonus). BUT, I wouldn't say to "get rid of it asap." I would say you ladies shouldn't worry about whether or not you're a virgin or not. Be yourself, and when the time's right to discuss sex, then tell him if you want. Other than that, he doesn't need to know anything.. and YES guys will still want to get in your pants no matter what.. unless you have some nasty disease.. but that's a whole 'nother story.
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# posted by : 2:31 AM
: 2:31 AM You are not on Ask A Real Guy's Home Page.
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